#i love my family despite them being literally emotionally and spiritually abusive

[interstellarbookofflowers]

happy points that may be happy points but we dont know yet (mental breakdown shutdown era)

sleepover with friends was nice! we were all wonky, both me and best friend, so at first we had a minor issue but very quickly resolved

we had thai curry for dinner (bestie makes the best curry ive ever eaten, its a comfort food at this point)

we vibed to music, bestie played the guitar and we sung sea shanties together and also labour! and we do be sounding real nice together

i made both of my friends friendship bracelets. both loved theirs, bestie asked for a specific songs, i surprised best friend with a song i thought was fitting

we joked around, talked a lot, slept in the same bed, cuddled with bestie, the usual. home

we made pancakes in the morning (or noon lol, we woke up late)

i had my silly mental breakdown and i couldnt be more grateful for both of my friends, one holding me immediately when things got awful, the other canceling plans and letting my cry in their arms

slept over at best friends place, theyve got a goofy asf dog (bro was very wary of me in the funniest way possible)

we watched goofy yt videos and also The Autism Channel (hilarious content, 10/10)

[beast-of-the-void]

.

[isa-ghost]

Reading your journal thing rn and damn that's a ride XD

Was curious at "figure out a communication method that my skepticism can’t debunk" and honestly should've guessed that it'll end up being tarot, these little shits (affectionate) never fail to feel me called the fuck out lmao. A pendulum was my guess tbh (pendulum & dice were my first tools)

But also, damn Leviathan & Michael? - you're in very good hands. (the rest likely too, just no experience with them). Think... healing, recovery, shadow work, trauma work... Both of course have different approaches, but when they intend to help you get better, they mean it.

And your response to my ask - yeah, I tend to be drawn to the ones that feel like powerful friends as well, rather than the ones that expect me to walk on eggshells and overthink every action... imo that makes things a lot less stressful.

"He loves slapping me with my Spotify playlist" - Leviathan used to do that to me lmao. Me: trying to chill. Leviathan: okay but what if we think about *growth* instead??

Honestly, everything you're saying sounds promising and you sound excited :3

Heard only good things about Apollo tbh, but don't know much personally, I'm more familiar with demons ;) - A

YES I was so hesitant to use a pendulum at first because it's easy to go "no that was me moving. No it was already swinging like that. No the fan blew on it and made it move. Etc." I still often ask questions twice or even three times to confirm the answer is legit and I make sure the pendulum is absolutely still before I ask a question, so that any movement is Definitely An Answer after. Tarot, however, doesn't lie, and WOWIE do Apollo and Levi love to go for the throat. It's very funny.

Last night before Leviathan was like "yeah I scratched you, L. Anyway put Ashton on the mic I want him dead rn," I was doing a reading with Apollo because I'd seen a crow while I was out, which usually means "Isa I have words." And he basically came outta nowhere with 4 cards that were basically like "take a wellness break, all your major obligations are dealt with, things at home are peaceful, you're doing great sweetie." And I was bewildered bc he'd made it sound like I was super stressed out but I really wasn't.

I was scrambling and probably overthinking that he was referring to something specific when he was just speaking generally, but when I asked him if it was just a plain message with the pendulum, its movement was basically the spiritual equivalent of him going "EEEHsorta? ... You'll figure it out later."

Leviathan hasn't personally obliterated me with anything but literal Lake Michigan waves yet, but he basically turned my friend Ashton into soup last night, so I know I'm definitely in good hands and whenever he DOES have a tarot message for me, I'm lovingly dead meat. I always joke that he's my Paranormal Activity Demon, he claimed me as a baby and he'll fuck up anyone who touches his blorbo.

Michael is probably the third most present entity of the five, despite him lurking rather than working with me. My sister is,,, Desperately In Need Of Therapy and refuses to get it, so she's A Lot /Neg. I'd confidently say she's verbally/emotionally abusive to me, let's just say that. And Michael gets very defensive of me about it. He got into it more in that reading I mentioned about Family Matters in the post. He's also been like "Its ok bestie I got you" while I've been in churches for weddings and whatnot.

Ceridwen has had a single message for me, which was basically "hey dummy, start talking to Levi and I more, I know you're only confident in talking to Apollo but you gotta talk to us in order to get that far too." And this poor woman. I was misunderstanding the cards so hard, I ended up pulling like 6 more cards and asking questions that all got progressively more exasperated "NO"s. Like mom I am so sorry, I'm a huge dumbass omg. So eventually I gave up and talked to the friend who found out these 4 were around me in the first place bc she was the first one to start working with Ceridwen, and right away she was like "yeah no you were overthinking so hard, she meant this." I have yet to get anything else from her, but our group has gotten to the point where if more than one of us works with a certain entity (nearly all of us work with Apollo. After he picked me, he went on his "actually I want this whole server" arc, which is funny bc we're all art kids and that's His Thing. Multiple of us work with angels, Morrigan, Ceridwen, Thor, Aphrodite, Athena, and Asmodeus, just to name a few), we can ask the others to help discern what the entity is trying to tell us if we can't figure it out for ourselves.

Morrigan hasn't said anything to me directly Or through other friends yet. Which tbh is on brand for her I think, she's probably the most intimidating entity present in the server. Has big Disciplinarian Stern Mom Woman Of Her Word energy. She said she'd lurk and she meant it, whereas Michael lurks but he'll be like "heeeyy :>"

Overall I Definitely feel like I'm in good hands. I've looked up symbols for all of them, so when I'm out of the house there's a high chance at least one of them (usually Apollo) makes me laugh because I see something and I'm like "REALLY DUDE?" They're all really good at making it known they're here.

[lestatthebrat]

Louis as a Survivor of Abuse and Intimate Partner Violence / **Trigger Warning**

Hi! Hello. It’s been centuries since my last post. Whoops. My bad. Anyway… trauma theory and Louis as a survivor of abuse and IPV in “Interview with the Vampire...”

The main characters in “The Vampire Chronicles” usually endure horrific trauma immediately before they become vampires. Becoming a vampire can be interpreted as an allegory for becoming a survivor of trauma. The characters are changed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They feel as though their “old self” is gone or ruined. They are ashamed of what has happened to them, even though it was not their fault: they were attacked by a literal and figurative monster. They have intense feelings—they often experience things more intensely than they could prior to this traumatic experience—but at the same time, they feel “detached” from their emotions or from the “mortal world.” They often feel cut off from their past lives, loved ones, intimate partners, and families. They cannot make sense of nor come to terms with what has happened to them. They have died—or, at least, a part of them has died—but they must find the will to go on, despite the emptiness, shame, and self-hatred they feel. 

In a previous post, I talked about Lestat and how when Magnus abducts him and forces the Dark Blood upon him against his will this is an allegory for sexual assault. Lestat explicitly labels Magnus’ attacking him as “rape” in later books. (For more on Lestat, look at my post “Lestat as a Trauma Survivor.”) Now, let’s talk abut Louis. His experience in “Interview with the Vampire” is that of a survivor of intimate partner violence (IPV), a.k.a. domestic abuse. Unfortunately, this trauma is perpetrated against Louis by Lestat, who is himself a survivor of sexual trauma. 

Drinking blood and especially turning someone into a vampire is explicitly equated with sex in the “vampire world.” While Magnus’ abducting Lestat and forcefully turning him into a vampire is clearly a violent assault, Lestat’s turning Louis reads more like a seduction—at least, at first glance. Lestat comes to Louis during the night while he lies in his bed and tells him “about all the wondrous things I [Louis] might become.” He seduces him with promises—and with his strikingly good looks—he gives Louis a choice, and Louis agrees to become Lestat’s immortal companion and lover. 

However, the “choice” Lestat gives Louis is horribly skewed from the beginning: “Become a vampire and be my lover, or I will kill you.” To put this in “real world�� terms: “Have sex with me, or I will kill you, or “Be my partner, or I will kill you.” If someone gives you a “choice” between entering an intimate relationship and being harmed in some way, this is NOT consensual, even if the victim “agrees.” Louis admits during the interview that he thinks Lestat would have killed him if refused to become his fledgling. 

So from the beginning, Louis never really has a choice, and Lestat never really has consent. However, before Lestat turns him into a vampire, he forces Louis to help him kill a man, to prove he “has what it takes.” Louis breaks down crying. He says he can’t do this, and he begs Lestat to let him die rather than make him a vampire. Louis changes his mind. He revokes whatever semblance of “consent” he ever gave Lestat. Rather than listening to Louis, Lestat becomes angry and violent. He jumps on Louis, pins him to the ground, and performs the Dark Trick against his will. Louis describes this experience and his transformation as very sexual and physically pleasurable. However, it is also violent, painful, and terrifying—much like Lestat’s rape by Magnus. 

After Lestat assaults him, Louis no longer feels wonder and awe toward Lestat but revulsion, hatred, and fear. Louis was infatuated with Lestat and he trusted him; but rather than guiding him in the intimate and pleasurable act Louis expected, Lestat sexually assaults him. Louis repeatedly says during the interview, that his transformation could have been savored and enjoyed if Lestat had treated him with kindness, rather than harshness and violence. Similarly, sex can be pleasurable and special when between two consenting adults—but when there is not consent, and it is horrific and traumatic. 

Lestat continues to abuse Louis, not only forcing him into an intimate relationship with him but also forcing him to share a bed (coffin) with him against his will. The following night, Lestat slaps Louis in the face. Louis downplays the severity of this indecent, saying it was not really painful but more of a “shock” or “rapping of the senses.” It is very common for victims of abuse to try to downplay or excuse the violent actions of their partners. They might say things like, “He didn’t hit me that hard” or “He’s a good person; he only hits me when he’s drunk/when he loses his temper,” etc. Louis mentions a few other instances of physical abuse from Lestat, including when Lestat hits him, kicks him, wrestles with him, and pins him to the ground. 

However, Lestat seems to abuse Louis most frequently through threats and psychological manipulation. He constantly threatens to kill or harm Louis in order to keep control and power over him and to keep him from leaving him. He makes Louis feel dependent on him, by convincing him that he cannot survive without him. As the older vampire, he keeps Louis intentionally ignorant, claiming to have (and intentionally withholding) invaluable knowledge, and Louis fears he will die if he leaves Lestat. It is common for abusers to make their partner feel dependent on them, as a way to maintain control over them and to prevent them from leaving. 

Once Claudia comes into the picture (and, of course, Lestat makes Claudia to “baby trap” Louis and force him to stay with him) things become even worse, as Lestat no longer threatens only Louis but Claudia as well. He most often makes these threats privately to Louis, behind Claudia’s back, like in this instance: “They’d hear her screams in Paris, he said, were he to lock her away to die. But all this was meant for me, to draw me close and keep me there.” Once Claudia begins challenging Lestat’s authority over both her and Louis, however, Lestat openly threatens both of them: “I can undo what I did. Both to you [Claudia]  and to him [Louis].... I’ll break you in a thousand pieces!” 

Louis, like many survivors of intimate partner violence/domestic abuse, loves Lestat but, at the same time, he is terrified of him. He desires to leave Lestat, but he is too afraid even to attempt it. When Claudia tells Louis she also wants to leave him, Louis says, “He’ll never let us leave.” When she plans to murder Lestat, Louis begs her not to try it. He thinks she will fail and Lestat will kill her. At the same time, he does not want Lestat to die (he does love Lestat too, even if he also fears him), but he does not warn Lestat, because he thinks he will kill Claudia if he learns what she plans to do. Louis’ fear of Lestat endures throughout the entire 60+ years of their relationship as partners, throughout all of the original book. 

Does Lestat realize how terrible and harmful his behavior toward Louis is? Probably not. He repeatedly calls attention to the fact that he gave Louis a “choice.” “I’m going to give you the choice I never had,” he says in 1994 film, and he makes multiple bitter remarks like, “I didn’t have a choice, remember?” After the horror he, himself, endured at the hands of Magnus, Lestat seems determined not to violate any of his own fledglings the same way. 

It is possible that Lestat does realize Louis has been hurt and traumatized by the violent, non-consensual act he perpetrates against him. Maybe his repeated insistence that he “gave Louis a choice” in an attempt to convince Louis and himself that he did not assault Louis and that he is not like Magnus. However, it is also possible that Lestat really does not see anything wrong with his behavior. He may really think Louis was given a fair choice, and he may really think Louis’ transformation was consensual. It is possible Lestat’s perception of what is consensual and what is not has been distorted by the horrific sexual trauma he has endured himself. 

Lestat’s transformation certainly looks much different than Louis’. It is obviously non-consensual. A stranger kidnaps him, forces him to get drunk, attacks him, and kills him, while Lestat is screaming, crying, and fighting to get away the entire time. This is a brutal assault no one can deny. In the “real world,” this is like when someone gets dragged off the street by a stranger in the middle of the night, beaten, raped, and murdered. Louis’ assault is no less real and no less traumatic, but it is less “obvious” to people who don’t understand sexual assault and trauma. In the “real world,” Louis’ assault might sound something like this: “I was afraid to say no.” “I thought he would hurt me if I didn’t.” “I said ‘stop,’ but he ignored me.” “I changed my mind, but he didn’t listen.” This kind of sexual abuse and rape happens all of the time, on college campuses, at our friends’ houses, in our own homes. It often goes unreported, and, tragically, when it is reported, many people don’t take it seriously. This is horrible, and this needs to change. We hope and pray that it will. But “Interview with the Vampire” takes place in the 18th century. There is a very high chance that Lestat would not take an assault like Louis’ seriously. Especially if Lestat is comparing Louis’ transformation to his own, he may think there was “nothing wrong” with the way he treated Louis, because (at least in Lestat’s mind) Magnus treated him “so much worse.”  

Of course, the VAST MAJORITY of trauma survivors never hurt anyone else. They are victims, who have been hurt by a violent perpetrator and who are in no way to blame for what has happened to them. However, in some unfortunate cases, survivors may process trauma in unhealthy ways and end up hurting and, in some cases, even abusing other people. This seems to be the case with Lestat, as he is himself a survivor of horrific sexual abuse and trauma. However, for 60+ years, he perpetrates similar abuse against his own partner, Louis, whom he does sincerely love more than anyone else in his life. 

On a side note, we do get dramatically different versions of Louis and Lestat’s relationship in later books. In the sequels (narrated by Lestat, not Louis), their relationship is portrayed as much more healthy and loving, rather than abusive and toxic. However, throughout the original book “Interview with the Vampire,” Lestat is clearly characterized as a perpetrator of intimate partner violence, and Louis is trapped in a highly abusive relationship, torn between conflicting feelings of love and terror toward his abuser. 

[honestlyhufflepuff]

Here are 20 reasons I am leaving the caregiver job with the client I've had since 2008: a list of unprofessional behavior and abuse by my client's guardian.

1. She said I wasn't Christian anymore, and said I was disrespecting my mother, for leaving the church I was raised in.

2. During the first year of employment, she would yell at me multiple times a week over things like leaving a lamp on (this is while I was caring for her medically fragile, high needs adult daughter). She would accuse me of being incompetent or trying to get fired for unemployment.

3. She told me I was not approved off for my honeymoon, less than a month beforehand, when I gave her over 5 months notice with consistent reminders. She harassed me over several texts while I was on my honeymoon saying I would be fired if I did not return a week earlier than I was supposed to.

4. She told me I still had to come in when I was sick and vomiting because she did not believe me. I became dehydrated and was vomiting so much that I had uncontrollable dry heaving and was unable to drive home. She refused to come home early when I told her of my symptoms, and when she did come home to see me retching into her trash can, she started handing me cleaning supplies to disinfect the trash can and the entire bathroom before I went to the emergency room...

5. ...there was no apology or ownership in forcing a sick employee to work to the point of needing to be hospitalized. She would not accept that I could not come into work for the next 3 days until my husband delivered the doctor's note.

6. I worked there throughout college, and would present my new school schedule each semester. For one class, I made the mistake of scheduling it after work. She said the schedule worked with her, but then consistently got home 30 min to and hour late. I missed so many classes that I had to withdraw.

7. Even after the hospitalization mentioned in #3, she would continue to be skeptical of any time I called in sick over the years (which wasn't often). I had no PTO or sick leave to use even when I was full time, so when I took off I didn't get paid. I was never approved to take off for any reason, and when I did take off it was accompanied by a massive guilt trip about how I was putting her family in a bind. It did not matter if it was a vacation, an illness, a doctor's appointment, or a family emergency. It also did not matter how much or little notice I gave; the guilt trips and emotional manipulation still accompanied any time I needed off. To this day, with every job I've had, I am always incredibly anxious about asking off, but it's never been a problem anywhere else I've worked.

8. Emotionally manipulative things she has said to get me to stay:

-"We don't have anyone else. I have to go to my job in order to care for [client's name]. You would be jeopardizing my job by leaving, and her well being." (If pressed she eventually admits to not looking for anyone else)

-"[Client's name] loves you like a sister, and her quality of life would go down significantly without you..." continues to tell me that if I don't do what she wants then I don't love or care for the client, even if it is because I need a job with higher pay and benefits to support my own family.

-"I thought the two of us were friends. This is very selfish of you." (Any time I don't do what she wants, like continuing to go to school full time).

-"God has put her in your life for a reason. You are called as spiritual sisters. It's your responsibility to care for her."

-"In the real world-the business world- other people won't be ok with you just taking off without approval. It's insubordinate and unprofessional." I was only 18 when she told me this, and young enough to believe her. Once again, I've literally never had a problem taking off with any other client or job because I often had PTO, and was always able to obtain leave approval easily. Even when it meant the client parent had to take off from work, they understood that the onus was on them to find the needed staff to account for people needing sick days and vacation.

9. She puts me in the middle of personal drama, constantly bad-mouthing the client's father and other attendants (who all inevitably leave after a year or two at most).

10. Told me, after a decade of infertility, that God told her I would become pregnant and have a son I was to name Amos. She said it would only become true if I prayed about it, so now when I most likely don't become pregnant, I feel it will be blamed on my lack of faith- or the fact that I am a different faith from her. I feel this instance was truly out of good intention, but ultimately unprofessional and something I would have preferred she keep to herself.

11. For years, she never got home when she said she would. I could never make plans after work because she would agree to come home at 7 and sometimes not make it home until 8:30. She always blamed traffic, needing to run an errand, or her boss keeping her. Then, when I had my own child I had to pick up from an after school program, she consitently got home on time. This showed me that she did have the executive functioning skills to be on time, but did not respect my personal time or work with other clients enough to do so before I was a parent.

12. I bent over backwards trying to help her. I scheduled less time with higher paying clients that were lower need. I sometimes worked 60 hour weeks while I was also in school. It never felt like it was enough. Even for the time I was working there 6 hours a week it was always "Why can't you stay later? Where do you have to be?" The more I gave, the more was expected, and then I was guilted for not meeting that higher expectation.

13. She refused to take the time to have team meetings with other service providers and caregivers, despite the fact all my other client families do this, and keep staff much more consistently as a result. Because of this, information and instructions were always inconsistent. With the client being significantly behaviorally challenged and medically fragile, this was at everyone's detriment.

14. Over the years, I referred 3 friends to work for her because she insisted she could not find caregivers on her own. All 3 of them lasted less than a year due to her behavior. She would then blame them and trash talk them to me, despite knowing I was still friends with them.

15. She expected caregivers to also deep clean the house. We are talking hours worth of work, that there just was not time for within the shift while also meeting the needs of the client.

16. She is openly homophobic, xenophobic, and although she thinks of herself as "not racist," she was extremely weird towards my besf friend's African fiancé. She refused to shake his hand and told me she didn't think he was with her for the "right reasons." Maybe thought he was in it for a green card? She seemed skeptical when I told her that he became a citizen 2 years prior, and that they'd been dating 6 years.

17. She has systematically isolated my adult client more and more over the years. We used to share many interests in things like Harry Potter, early 2000's pop, anime, Harajuku fashion, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, etc. One by one, everything we bonded over was off limits, due to being a "bad influence" or "demonic." She is no longer allowed to engage in any age-expected media unless it is explicitly Christian, and it breaks my heart to see how sad she gets about that.

18. When I was in college, and completely broke after just paying for books and classes, she said that she wanted me to go to the water park with her and the client. Admission was $50. I assumed she was paying since I was being required to go for work, and this was always what was done in the past. In the car, I asked if I could ride a roller coaster that the client wouldn't be able to go on while they ate ice cream. She said "Sure! You can ride whatever you like!"

So, I start getting excited. We're chatting pleasantly until the moment when she says "OK, when we get out of the car, you can go pay for your ticket first, and then I will bring..."

My stomach dropped. I told her there was a misunderstanding, and that I could not afford my ticket. She acted like it wasn't right that she should have to pay for mine. I told her that if she didn't want to, then I could study at the Starbucks across the street while they attended the park. She said no, because obviously she still wanted my help with her daughter. She paid for my ticket, making passive aggressive comments the whole time about everything I did, from how I pushed the wheelchair to how long I took to go to the bathroom despite the line.

I was no longer permitted to go ride the roller coaster, and I sat in silence while they ate their ice cream.

19. Recently, due to Covid, I do not have child care for my own daughter on Fridays. I have been bringing her to work with me, which my client's mom was supportive of. Then the client had drastic behavioral changes that I won't detail, but that O can say was significantly stressful on my daughter, and made it stressful for me to manage both of them at the same time. I told the mother, 2 weeks in advance, that I could not come in on Fridays until the behavior was consistently resolved. I do not want to get a sitter outside of maybe my aunt, due to covid, and I wouldn't expect her to do that every week. My client's mom was very understanding of this at first, seeing as we both now have special needs children, but the night before the next Friday I was scheduled to come in she berated me for not finding babysitting to the point that I started to panic. I firmly told her that I gave her plenty of notice, and then blocked her number up until the day I was scheduled to come back in.

20. When she is home at the same time I am helping her daughter, she micromanages everything. I think she is incapable of just letting me do the same work I've been doing for over a decade without standing over my shoulder and looking for something wrong.

Some background info:

I wanted to write this, first of all, to document all the reasons that I am justified in leaving, so that I can refer back to it no matter how hard she tries to get me to stay. This is like my anonymous way of getting it off my chest since no one who follows me on here knows me irl. Second of all, I want all the young professionals on here to know that, if they are treated like this in the work place, it is ok to leave!

I started working for this family when I was 18, and I am now 31. I have worked as many as 60 hour weeks, and as little as twice a month when I was full time with the state, but I have always cared for her in some capacity since 2008. I am currently working 15-20 hours a week with her.

You may wonder why I've stayed so long, and in regards to that I will say first of all that abusive relationships are hard to leave. The abuser may convince you that you are bad and won't find anywhere else good enough to take you. This can pertain to any type of relationship, be it romantic, professional, parental, or friends.

Another factor is that I love my client deeply, and my employer takes advantage of that. We grew up childhood friends, which is one reason maintaining professional boundaries with this family has been so hard.

The last reason I have stayed may be the hardest to explain, but I will try.

Sometimes she is good. My employer has made improvements over the years. Most of the worst things on here happened when I was in college. I don't know if her improvement is due to a genuine change in heart, or because she knows deep down that her behavior is why all the other caregivers left.

Whatever the reason, we do actually care for each other. We do actually connect and have a good time. She is kind to my husband and my daughter. She often tells me that I am a godsend to her family, a loyal and talented caregiver, and the best friend her daughter has ever had (although she will contradict this the moment I am not doing what she wants).

What I want people in similar situations to know is that the good moments do not erase the trauma of the bad ones. It is not my responsibility to "get over it" because she is trying to do better. A lot of the stuff she has said and done run too deep, and when she lapses into her old ways, I find myself reacting in a panic-driven, irritable way that's not really me. It's a reaction to trauma. I am not required to continue to stay at an underpaid job with an environment that evokes such emotions.

So please, if you are being treated like this in your job, then leave. You will find something else. For me, I intend to have another job lined up before leaving, but I'm on my way. For the first time in years, I've revamped my resumé, and it felt so empowering to work on a document that highlights my strengths!

For anyone in a similar position, you've got this. There are a lot of great jobs out there. There are a lot of humane employers. If you are treated like this, then label it for what it is. It is abuse. It is unhealthy. It is not ok. It is not erased by the times they are nice. And you deserve better.

[rhysand-vs-fenrys]

Could you do a thing about who The Untamed characters are? Your weekly posts and such are good, but I was wondering what their context is?

-Sure!! I’ll put it under a “Keep Reading” so it doesn’t flood anyone’s dash :)

**I usually reblog Untamed asks to my Untamed fandom page as well, so this note is for followers of Wuxian-vs-Wangji:: I’m avoiding spoilers in these descriptions and trying to simplify things into a format non-viewers can follow, so please do not comment with spoilers.

I also limited the list of characters to those in 10+ episodes, which left some fan favorites off the list.

Main & Major Characters Throughout the Story::

Wei Wuxian // Wei Ying (Informal Name) // Yiling Patriarch (The Sage of the Burial Mounds)

Think... Battlemage Necromancer.

Uses the dark flute Chenqing to draw out and command the hate and resentful energy of the dead, weaponizing it against his enemies.

Adopted by the Yunmeng-Jiang Clan Leader after his mother (a rogue cultivator) and father (a beloved Jiang servant) were killed in a monster hunt.

Considered by Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng to be no different from a blood sibling.

Killed on the Cliffs of Heavenly Nightless by his brother Jiang Cheng while committing suicide in the first 5 minutes of the show; Resurrected via a rare and dangerous spell by madman Mo Xuanyu 16 years later.

In the Present Arc, Wei Wuxian dons a mask so others will not recognize him (laughably the mask fools absolutely no one but he Commits to the Look) and pretends to be the insane outcast Mo Xuanyu.

Lan Wangji // Lan Zhan (Informal Name) //  Hanguang-Jun (The Light-Bearing Lord)

As younger brother to the so-far childless Clan Leader of the Gusu-Lan, he is the Clan Heir and commands a position of high power and respect worldwide.

As he and his older brother are seen as the pride and joy of the Lan Clan, they are referred to worldwide as “The Twin Jades of Lan”.

Considered a paragon of righteousness and virtue.

Joyless, friendless, and isolated from others at the start of the story, but develops first a begrudging respect for- then love for- Wei Wuxian.

For 16 years he refuses to accept that Wei Wuxian is dead since no body was recovered. Lan Wangji travels the world and throws himself headfirst at chaos both to protect the common people and in hopes that Wei Wuxian will appear.

In the present-arc, acts as a teacher and guide to the Junior Disciples of the Gusu-Lan.

Particularly skilled in a Lan musical technique called “Inquiry”, in which a guqin (zither) player mixes spiritual energy into a song and plays notes as a coded language to commune with the souls of the dead and ask them questions. Lan Wangji also develops a proficiency for an extremely rare and difficult form of guqin magic where he can literally attack people with the sound and power of the instrument.

Wei Wuxian’s own use of music to control others seems to have been heavily inspired by the Lan magics, though theirs are mainly in the vein of healing and suppressing darkness.

Jiang Wanyin // Jiang Cheng (Informal Name) // Yunmeng-Jiang Clan Leader // Sandu-Shengshou (Master of Three Poisons)

Most commonly referred to only by the informal name “Jiang Cheng”

Beloved brother- and eventually bitter enemy of- Wei Wuxian.

One of those fancy multi-purpose tools in human form (the Tooliest of Tools)

Thanks to his parents, has a massive inferiority complex that usually leads to violent outbursts against his adopted brother.

Like Lan Wangji, cannot accept that Wei Wuxian is dead as only charred bones were found where he fell. Spends 16 years hunting down any whisper of Wei Wuxian or demonic cultivation and executing any demonic cultivators he finds. 

Feels both extreme hatred and guilt towards Wei Wuxian.

Wears a purple snake bracelet-and-ring combo on one hand, the spiritual tool Zidian given to him by his mother. Zidian takes the form of a whip that strikes not only the flesh, but the soul of a person. It can instantly destroy any spirit possessing a body.

Wen Qionglin // Wen Ning (Informal Name) // The Ghost General

Almost exclusively referred to by the informal name Wen Ning.

Considered to be a weapon- or pet- of Wei Wuxian’s.

A young cultivator who Wei Wuxian resurrected from the dead and who acted as his subordinate during the rise of the Yiling Patriarch.

Fiercely loyal to Wei Wuxian in both life and death.

Black veins and eyes mark him as one of the ultra-rare Living Dead. Not a mindless zombie slave (Ghost-Puppet), but a fully conscious reanimated human capable of independent thought and action.

In battle, Wei Wuxian will use his flute Chenqing to focus resentment and hatred through Wen Ning and give him enhanced abilities, control his actions, or calm him.

Other Figures: Both Past and Present Arcs

Lan Xichen // Lan Huan (Informal Name) //  Zewu-Jun (The Grand Overgrowth Lord)

Clan Leader of the Gusu-Lan and elder brother of Lan Wangji.

Though he is Clan Leader, often deferrs to or is advised by his Uncle Lan Qiren (who HATES Wei Wuxian).

As he and his younger brother are seen as the pride and joy of the Lan Clan, they are referred to worldwide as “The Twin Jades of Lan”.

The most respected Clan Leader in the world for his kind and fair nature. Often acts as an arbitrator in disputes.

Uses a white jade flute to calm and settle angry or resentful energy around him. Wei Wuxian is his dark reflection.

Willing to give anyone a chance due to his pacifist nature. Does not feel hatred towards Wei Wuxian but rather tries to understand what drove him towards darkness and help guide him back.

Ships Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji relentlessly and often finds ways to push them together early on.

Nie Huaisang (No formal/informal name) // Nie Clan Heir // Nie Clan Leader

Half-brother of the Nie Clan Leader Nie Mingjue, later becomes Clan Leader in his place.

Despite being first heir to- then leader of- a Clan that prides itself on brute strength, Nie Huaisang is a kind and gentle soul who prefers the arts and artistic pursuits.

Religiously carries around a fan and never holds a sword.

Sweetheart, goober, and close friend of Wei Wuxian. Even in Wei Wuxian’s fall from grace, never bears him any ill will as Wei Wuxian never does anything to harm him. 

The only major (still living) character not at the Battle of Nightless where Wei Wuxian dies (though his brother Nie Mingjue was present).

Informally titled “The Head Shaker” as Clan Leader due to his indecisive nature. Whenever asked questions he frequently shakes his head and says “I don’t know”.

Considered a weak fool by many, but he is frequently advised (and coddled) by Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao.

Jin Guangyao // Meng Yao (Informal Name) // Lianfang-Zun (Hidden-Fragrance Master)

Originally a servant of the Nie family, taken in by Nie Mingjue.

Bastard son of the Jin Clan Leader Guangshan and a prostitute, is consistently demeaned and debased for his parentage. The only ones who show him respect and kindness are Nie Mingjue, Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen.

Half brother of Jin Zixuan and Mo Xuanyu (the madman who resurrects Wei Wuxian)

While a servant of the Nie Clan, Guangyao frequently acts as a buffer between ultra-masculine Nie Mingjue and his softer half-brother Nie Huaisang.

Nie Huaisang may be thought a dumbass by most, but he’s *Guangyao’s* dumbass, and thus Guangyao consistently shows care towards Nie Huaisang.

Other High-Profile Characters:: Both Past and Present Arcs (Noted by their names)

**Some will say I’ve left names off this list, but to avoid getting into EVERYTHING  everyone does, I’m limiting this to characters in 10+ episodes. This leaves some fandom favorites off the list but this is only meant to be a basic introductory guide. 

Sorry to fans of Xiao Xingchen, Song Lan, A-Qing, and Wen Yuan.

(Past Arc) Wen Qing (women do not have formal vs informal names or titles)

Wen Ning’s beloved elder sister.

Distant cousin to the evil Wen Ruohan and Wen Chao, and thus holds a prominent position within the Wen Clan. In the novels I believe she is said to be the 4th most powerful person in the entire Wen Clan (Behind Wen Ruohan and his two sons).

Considered to be the greatest physician ever produced by the Dafan-Wen, a clan of healers subjugated by the evil Wen Clan.

Her loyalties lie exclusively with her little brother Wen Ning, and she will do anything to keep him safe and protected. On her own though, she does tend towards the side of good and acts against her Clan when she is able to do so without putting Wen Ning at risk.

(Past Arc) Jiang Yanli (women do not have formal vs informal names or titles)

Beloved elder sister of both Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian.

Eldest daughter of Jiang Fengmian and Madam Yu.

Eventual wife of Jin Clan Heir Jin Zixuan and mother of Jin Clan Heir Jin Ling.

Engaged to Jin Zixuan since infancy, though he is initially dismissive of and even cold towards her.

The Peacekeeper of her family, Jiang Yanli protects Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng from her emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive mother.

Acts as a mediator of disputes between her two younger brothers. Jiang Yanli is very much the glue that binds the family together.

(Past Arc) Jin Zixuan (No other name given) // Jin Clan Heir

Only *acknowledged* child of Jin Clan Leader Jin Guangshan, though he is the half-brother to a large number of bastard siblings.

These siblings include Nie servant Jin Guangyao/Meng Yao and Mo Xuanyu (the madman who resurrects Wei Wuxian)

Eventual husband of Jiang Yanli and father of Jin Clan Heir Jin Ling.

Originally a haughty and arrogant young lord, he is dismissive of his lifelong fiancee Jiang Yanli and frequently disparages her (leading to violent fights with her brothers).

Is very much disliked by both Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng (for his treatment of Yanli).

A semi-professional dumbass, maturity comes to him slower than most.

(Present Arc) Jin Rulan // Jin Ling (Informal name) // Jin Clan Heir

One of the so-called “Junior Squad”, a handful of Junior Disciples from different Clans who band together to fight the bad guys (Ancient Fantasy China Power Rangers).

The only child of Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan.

In episode 2 it is revealed that Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan died tragically just after his birth.

Largely raised by his uncle Jiang Cheng with some input from uncle Jin Guangyao. As uncle Jiang Cheng has the emotional stability of a spoon, Jin Ling tends to be rash, arrogant, and rude. He is kept isolated from other youths of his age and thus has no friends.

Accompanied everywhere by his dog Fairy, a spiritual beast (more powerful than a normal dog).

Also a nephew of Wei Wuxian, though Jin Ling was a newborn when Wei Wuxian died and thus has no relationship with him.

(Present Arc) Lan Sizhui // Lan Yuan (Informal name)

One of the so-called “Junior Squad”, a handful of Junior Disciples from different Clans who band together to fight the bad guys (Ancient Fantasy China Power Rangers).

As Lan Wangji’s chief student, Lan Sizhui is heavily favored by the normally cold and detached Wangji. He is therefore the de-facto leader of the Lan Junior Disciples.

Sizhui is warm, kind, and caring. He never speaks ill of others and even tries to be kind to Jin Ling while the other junior disciples (including Lan ones) generally scorn the other boy.

Regardless of if he is posing as Mo Xuanyu or after he is “outed” as Wei Wuxian, Lan Sizhui is always very respectful and kind towards Wei Wuxian. He considers him a wise senior and feels at ease when Wei Wuxian is nearby.

(Present Arc) Lan Jingyi (No other name given)

One of the so-called “Junior Squad”, a handful of Junior Disciples from different Clans who band together to fight the bad guys (Ancient Fantasy China Power Rangers).

If Lan Sizhui is the de-facto leader of the Lan Junior Disciples, Jingyi is Sizhui’s second. The two are best friends and are almost never seen out of one another’s company.

Snarky, sarcastic, and big-mouthed, Lan Jingyi is the “Wei Wuxian” of the Junior Squad. He has yet to meet a cultivator he isn’t willing to talk back to, be that “Mo Xuanyu” (Wei Wuxian) or even Jiang Clan Leader Jiang Cheng.

Lan Jingyi is also highly intelligent and is the first to question if “Mo Xuanyu” is truly insane or just someone pretending to be so. He makes other accusations throughout the story that at the time see unfounded but are later proven correct.

Mortal enemy of Jin Ling (if by ‘mortal enemy’ you mean bitchy and reluctant friend)

(Past Arc) Nie Mingjue (No other name given) // Nie Clan Leader // Chifeng-Zun (Scarlet-Blade Lord)

Clan Leader of the Nie Clan in the “Past Arc”.

Elder half-brother of Nie Huaisang.

Nie Mingjue is hard on his half-brother, as the Nie are renown for their warrior skills and Huaisang is more of a lover than a fighter.

Nie Mingjue is close friends with Lan Xichen, and often visits him for guidance. Lan Xichen is his closest friend and confidant throughout the story.

Nie Mingjue is a powerful and ruthless cultivator (against his enemies, he’s no sociopath) and often loses his temper. 

He is closely bonded with his broadsword Baxia, and she often moves on her own if he is particularly enraged.

(Past and Present Arcs) Xue Chengmei // Xue Yang (Informal name)

Most commonly referred to simply as “Xue Yang”- his formal name may not be in the show at all.

A low-level thug taken in by the evil Wen Clan and used as a sort of private hit-man.

Xue Yang is brutal, ruthless, and merciless against anyone he crosses paths with. Holds particular disdain for powerful and righteous clans, as he was maimed by a low-level Clan Leader.

Is missing his pinky finger because of an “accident” he suffered as a child and thus wears a glove on one hand.

Initially Xue Yang is introduced as a “guest disciple” of the Wen Clan, but later he branches out on his own.

(Past Arc) Luo Qingyang // Mian-Mian (nickname)

Though it is not customary for a woman to have courtesy vs informal names, Luo Qingyang is almost exclusively referred to by the nickname “Mian-Mian” throughout the series.

A guest disciple of the Jin Clan and direct subordinate of Jin Zixuan.

Mian-Mian originally is shown to be haughty and fiercely loyal to Jin Zixuan, though she often finds ways to assist Jiang Yanli get closer to him throughout his Dumbass Phase.

Mian-Mian is a tough and outspoken female cultivator, sometimes even standing at odds with her own clan.

(Past Arc) Wen Chao (No other name given)

The vicious, cruel second son of villain Wen Ruohan.

Distant cousin of Wen Qing and Wen Ning. He frequently takes Wen Ning as a sort of hostage to guarantee Wen Qing’s compliance with his demands.

Wen Chao is arrogant and haughty. He considers himself superior to all other disciples because of his clan. 

He is the main antagonist of Wei Wuxian in the “past” arc, and considers it part of his duty to destroy Wei Wuxian and the Jiang Clan for their refusal to bow to his family.

Frequently appears together with his mistress Wang Lingjiao (a wife is mentioned but never shown) tormenting or directly torturing younger cultivators.

[starsailorstories]

Delicisma & Matrona/Delicita Relationships in Some Depth

So like a lot of the bad things in Andromedan society, the taboo around interclass romance and even interclass friendship actually came about because of a good thing: broadly speaking, the astraea concept of an adult relationship is absolutely predicated on equality between all parties. This core notion, you may notice, didn’t stop them from developing an extremely strict social hierarchy, so to get AROUND the hierarchy (and allow for a slight degree of upward mobility), they have a thing called delicisma.

As with most things that are hierarchy-dependent, this started as a Basillan and Sitherian thing and spread around the galaxy due to their influence. It may not be this prevalent, or this formal, everywhere.

The term basically translates to “favoritism” and in its purest and most traditional form it’s like a more touchy-feely version of Roman patronage. It can encompass anything from a local noble giving special privilege to a favorite peasant to an employer taking care of the grown daughter of her employee as a sort of seniority bonus to about a dozen other things of basically that nature. In a lot of career fields there’s a strong dimension of mentorship/apprenticeship to delicisma as well, although it’s important to note that the two aren’t synonymous--while apprenticeship situations are common for kids and teens (especially lower-class ones), the high level of trust plus the emotionally intense and generally cuddly nature of delicisma make it a thing that asks for maturity. One of the adults involved is often older than the other, but only where life spans are shorter or privilege makes social shame turn a blind eye does anyone get involved in this sort of thing before her 20-quinturn coming of age. It's seen as less serious than a romantic relationship (or a platonic relationship that's headed toward forming a household) but more serious than a formal business relationship or more casual friendship. It’s distinguished somewhat by the fact that it isn’t a High Fidelity--there’s no expectations of exclusivity; matronas are often married or bound in fealty, delicitas often enter into romances--sometimes romances that their matrona sets up.

“Matrona” refers to whoever in the pair is in a position to do favors--whether because of being older, higher status, more experienced, wealthier, etc. The sense of obligation to one’s inferiors is an important part of the mainstream Basillan morality--as is the sense of gratitude to one’s superiors, which the “delicita” is expected to express through her deference, humility, and loyalty (if this sounds familiar that’s because it is--the umbralis relationship upheld by clones in servitude is this taken to a self-obliterating extreme and trussed up in spiritually binding vows).

Delicisma has a sort of social niche somewhere between romantic and platonic (it’s meant to be loving and non-familial, albeit not sensual or impassioned, and it’s seen as something you tend to be involved in before you date, marry, or start a family, although in practice they often happen in parallel) and it has a fairly definite set of “courtship” rituals, although they are newer, more subtle, and less codified than those surrounding romance. It begins with an invitation from the potential matrona to a formal social visit between just the two of you--something that can occur in other contexts, so it’s not a direct declaration of intent, but it’s enough of a possibility that ambitious young astraeas (and social-climbing older ones) tend to go through phases of treating every call on a person in a position of interest as an uneasy combination of a date and a job interview.

After a few of these visits the potential delicita is free to indicate her own interest by sending letters or a gift (nothing that feels like showing off, but something that shows appreciation for her as a person--there’s as much advice about potential-matrona gifts in this universe as there are for actual applications for jobs and things). Finally the matrona actually poses the question of whether you’d like to--always as she leads you in for a visit--and you can say nothing, or you can kiss her hand to say yes. Despite the theoretically quasi-romantic love that drives it all rejection by a potential delicita must be taken with grace and no questions asked. The matrona has nothing to lose, the delicita has everything to gain, and there are boundaries in place to keep the inherent power balance in check.

These boundaries are also supposed to extend to all affection--despite the understanding that it’s an adult relationship, you’re not meant to do anything with a delicita that you wouldn’t with your own child. As ANY touch at all between members of different classes is fairly taboo outside this type of relationship, especially in public, the boundaries let it feel special but also feel safe.

Delicisma relationships work a certain way in theory, but there’s a huge range of experiences. Sometimes they’re literally just a coverup for an inter-class romantic relationship--one of those scandalous sailor songs that we all love is literally called something along the lines of “Thank [Orellistia] for Delicisma” in translation and it’s about a noble and a peasant running away to the Maculatan colonies to get married and contains numerous winking references to the formalities of the practice and the language surrounding inter-class favors. Less scandalous but equally common is the situation of “you worked for my parents and you’ve been my favorite servant for most of my life, possibly you were my nanny/governess, I’m of noble blood and supposedly my body itself is holy but we have a familial relationship and it would be nice if we could just hug now and then”. As with most types of relationships, there are also those that are simply unhealthy or abusive. Most commonly they just amount to a close friendship/mentorship with ups and downs like any other though.

At a certain point, the delecita might ‘outgrow’ the relationship a little--via an increase in status that doesn’t directly owe to her matrona’s interest (which is pretty rare actually) or just by getting married/going into knighthood or priestesshood and having other commitments that are higher-priority--and won’t spend as much time with her matrona. But the relationship doesn’t really “end”, there’s always owed loyalty and gratitude between them socially speaking.

This was a lot but I felt like it’d be nice for you guys to really understand this dynamic since it’s very culturally different and informs a lot of Andromedan Things...honestly this post went off the rails so if you want me to clarify stuff please do send an ask!

[restorerjourney]

Week 5 of 7 in Mazatlán

July 31, 2021

This week started with hardships for me personally but ended with victories, deeper unity with Christ and our team, and freedom. When I create my weekly reels on instagram for this week I was surprised to realize that there were so many clips of us dancing with flags which represents freedom! Freedom is not just a feeling but a revelation of who we are and what God has given us the authority over. It’s a lot to take it in and I feel that I might understand it more in hindsight what God is making us go through as a team. 

To start off, like I said before the beginning of week was really rough. One of our team members decided to start a relationship with another team member at a different DTS and they both are here in Mazatlan. The rules were clear when we signed up for DTS that during DTS we shouldn’t start dating with another DTS student because we want this season to fully focus on God. It sounds harmless to date, but now as a team we could see the repercussions. Although the leaders were lenient during our lecture phase, during outreach phase they drew the line clear that they should put their relationship on pause only until after the outreach is over. This is because we are going as a team..we are in a foreign country..our purpose is to serve the nation that we are going to..etc etc. It’s obvious why, but that couple struggled and despite them thinking it was a private matter, it affected our team’s unity and trust. Long story short, God intervened in our team..in his heart..and in mine. The old Alicia would have been apathetic about how he felt and focused more on the boundaries that we crossed, but I felt the Lord change my heart during DTS. The Lord really guided me on how to approach my fellow team member who is like my little brother and learn to not judge him but to empathize with him. God showed me how to be with him in the hurting yet teach him the effects of the choices you make and how there will always be a cause and effect in life. It took so much out of me, but I am so glad God intervened the way he did and because we all do fear the Lord, were able to come back together as one. They decided to obey the Lord, to submit to the leaders and the rules, and surrender their relationship to God. It was a fight worth fighting for and I feel like I’m learning a glimpse of what parenting could actually look like LOL ( Dear Lord have mercy). 

Literally almost every day or every other day, one of our team member would be spiritually attacked. But I see each time that it happens, we would all gather, interceded, pray, declare God’s truth, repent, and be restored. It’s so exhausting but so beautiful. This time I got attacked mid-week when I was getting impatient of not getting my period and letting doubt enter my mind. I knew God told me that I was healed and to trust in His promises just like Abraham had to trust God when he was told to sacrifice Isaac. It made no sense why I was going through this...I was feeling “God why did you even let me go through that healing process? Wouldn’t it been better if I didn’t go through it?”. and that’s when I realized I had to repent of this old habit of mine that I allow myself to think that my ways are better than God’s. God told me I was healed, he told me it was my declaration of no longer agreeing to self-hatred that restored me, and to trust in His promises that I will be a mom one day. I just was getting so tired of waiting, not knowing, so I asked a sister from a different DTS to pray for me. When she prayed for me with another friend it was pretty weird. She was shaking and screaming and although she warned me about it before, I was kind of scared. During the entire time of praying I didn’t hear much from the Lord but just focused my eyes on him. She shared that she felt so much strongholds over me and that I need to repent of any ancestral sins. I prayed about it but God didn’t really highlight anytime for me. I then shared that experience with my parents and they were pissed haha. They were like “ who told you this? What are they teaching you”..and I realize then it was their involuntary parental bear instinct that was coming out of them because they didn’t agree with what she said at all. And then that’s when I realized, did I personally hear anything from God about it...and the answer was no, but I believed her. I started to question everything and everyone who prayed over me and that I believed without going before God and confirming it. 

I realized then that I was getting too comfortable of getting prophetic words and relying on someone’s physical voice speaking over me compared to the internal voice that I hear from God which requires faith. I had to repent and was reminded by God that I hear His voice best for me and that’s because of Jesus. That usually when people pray or have a prophetic word for me, it’s to confirm what was already told to me. Just because some random person comes up to you and speaks something true about your life and it sounds good, if you don’t hear this from the Lord yourself or if he doesn’t confirm it...it’s probably not from God. They say it like this, if you get a prophetic word, just put it on a shelf, don’t just directly receive it. I knew what God said to me the day I got healed a month ago and I am given a chance again to cling on to God’s timing.

Because the pandemic is still pretty bad here we are still limited to not be able to continue our alpha course or go to Stone Island, but we’ve been doing intercessory prayer. We also got to do bible distribution at a new neighborhood. The moment we got off the trucks, a lady who works at the store told us to come and gave us free cold water! It was so encouraging to see how God was using her to refresh us before we gave out bibles. During our time there, couple team members felt a dark presence over some of the homes and it happened to be those who refused to receive the bibles. I met a lady named Olga who had right knee pain and when we prayed for her, she felt better and was so thankful for what we were doing to her community. I met another man who looked sick when he came out and I asked, he said he had COVID. We always wear our masks and kept our distance but for a split second there was fear in my heart but I felt the Lord asking me to pray for him. We socially distanced ourselves and I prayed for healing, for protection for his family, and he was so encouraged. To be honest, we have been encountering more and more people with COVID and it really is by God’s grace that there has been no outbreaks in our team or at the baes. 

We did street evangelism too which was really cool that I want to tell you guys about. I’ve never done this before with any other mission’s team in my life but we had no agenda but just asked God as a team what he wanted us to do. We asked God where, who, and what we were going to do. Each team member would share what God spoke to them and it’s like a puzzle piece that we put together of what God is trying to lead us. We felt God has highlighted to focus on children this week. He showed us doing nails and braiding hair for the kids..he showed us doing a dance routine for them ( since they love BTS here)... he showed us giving candies...he showed us doing prophetic art with them.. and he showed us playing soccer with them. We prepared as much as we could and finally we asked God where and he led us to a park close to the base. We shared with each other that even if one kid showed up, that the one kid is worth it in Jesus’s eyes. We went and everyone we met ended up being children! I met a girl named Wendy and her sister who wanted to get their nails done. We sanitized our hands of course and wore masks as I did her nails. We got to know each other and I shared the gospel with her. She accepted Christ but it is perhaps because she was Catholic. I shared with her that being a Christian is not just about being good to be accepted, that despite us not being good, we are accepted. I believe she really felt the love of God. 

The last highlighted ministry for me was Racham’s ministry which in Hebrew, Racham means “mercy”. This Christian organization is under YWAM but is also funded by the government. They focus on children from the slums who were abandoned, sexually, physically, emotionally abused, and are in need of help. We are not allowed to post any pictures on social media because of the government and for outside volunteers, we can only visit them once a week for 2 hours. The leaders there asked if we could teach them about unity. There are currently 15 children there, almost 60% boys, 40% girls all under the age of mid teens. We created a skit for them based on 1 Corinthians 12: 14-22 and although it was hard work, they loved it. We did a drawing activity, painted their nails, provided sandwiches and juice, and played soccer with them. They shared in the end how thankful they are to us and one of them shared their testimony of how God has been working in his life. I could see God’s life in his eyes and all the children were so precious. What broke my heart as we were walking back to the base was what each child has gone through. All the girls were raped, and all the boys either sold drugs or were addicted to drugs. One of the boy was found homeless and alone for 2 weeks because his father abandoned him. It hurts my heart so much right now even typing this because when I played with them before knowing, I wouldn’t have ever guessed they went through hell at such a young age. They are so precious to Jesus...and as much as I am angry against the injustice towards them, God reminds me that those offenders will get judgement from Him. He reminds me that although those children are poor on earth, theirs is the kingdom of heaven and they have such a great inheritance. I feel so privileged to get to meet them and love on God’s children.

I can’t believe I’ve been living here for over a month and this is the longest I have been in outreach. I think I am getting used to the humidity? but there are times it kicks my butt and I’m sweating like I’m in a sauna. The food has been difficult too since Mexico doesn’t have that many healthy options and almost everything is too sweet or too salty. The food tastes good don’t get me wrong, but knowing my body, it hasn’t been adjusting well, but I’m managing as best as I can. Oh I almost forgot, we had an extra $3-4,000 donation given to us as a team so after prayer, we decided as a team to pour half of it to a church plant in Stone Island, and the other half for those who are in need of oxygen tanks at Calvary Chapel which is where the pastor who is church planting in Stone Island attends. Right now, Mazatlan is doing the worst out of all of Mexico and the hospitals are at full capacity so those who need oxygen are having to buy them or wait till there is room at the hospital. 

I also had some extra fundings sent by friends and after prayer I felt the Lord asking me to pour it all on 4 different missionaries here at the base. I’m so grateful that just as those who obeyed and financially supported me, I could do the same for someone else and bridge my friend to help those in need in Mazatlan. 

I’m also enjoying my experience in Mazatlan once a week by trying out different local restaurants, buying tourist souvenir’s for friends, and seeing the different parts of the city. We only have 2 more weekends after this so despite feeling tired and ready to go home at times, I want to look back and have no regrets that I could have done more. 

Prayer requests:

1) Grace and endurance to finish this race strong. That we would give it our all and still ask for greater things that God has in store for us to see in Mazatlan. I’m still asking God to not let me be comfortable and content for what He already has done but for even more!

2) Unity. We’ve been reading Hebrews and Psalm together as a team, and our unity held by Christ is what allows us to thrive and not just survive.

3) Health protection: We all have been feeling pretty fatigued.Yoonkyung has tendonitis on her right thumb and wrist, Esther has food poisoning, I have back, shoulder, and neck pain with no cycle still, and Sebin has back pain too. As we encounter more people with COVID during ministry, would we be protected and that we wouldn’t carry to the locals here.

Thank you amigos and amigas <3

Alicia

[chewytongue]

All character solidifying Qs with Lou? Lou is my fave

1. How does you character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence- literal or imagined- did the father have?Lou used to have a good relationship with their dad before the divorce, their Dad is very caring and wants the best for them. After the divorce they’re really bitter towards him because he doesn’t manage to get custody and moves away. They feel like he abandoned them despite promising that he’d do everything he could to make sure their mom didn’t get custody and they stay mad at him for a really long time. They don’t see each other until Lou graduates high school and it’s a long process to patch things up between them. Lou has problems trusting people cause of that and also is weary about being openly queer since their father spent most of his life in the closet and didn’t receive overly positive reactions when he did come out.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence- literal or imagined- did the mother have?They have a really bad relationship with her, she’s emotionally/mentally abusive and they take a lot of the things she says to heart. They don’t trust adults or people in positions of power because of her and are very self conscious and consider themselves a failure since she never gave them any positive reinforcements. They also can’t have someone yell at them without completely shutting down. There isn’t much they like about her other than the fact that no matter what she was a relentless bitch.

3. They don’t have any siblings

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?Either there was no discipline, since overall their mother didn’t care what they did, or they’d get belittled/yelled at if they did something wrong/something that effected their mom (specifically her work/reputation).

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?Absolutely not.

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child? Definitely rejection. Their dad gave them lots of affection before the divorce but the divorce happened when they were five so most of their childhood they were neglected.

7. What was the economic status of their family?Upper middle class, their mom’s a lawyer and made good money.

8. How does your character feel about religion?They have a very complicated relationship. They were raised catholic and used to go to church but stopped when they were 7 and started reading up on satanism. They like having a higher power to believe in and start going to church again when they’re older but still lean towards satanism.

9. What about political beliefs?They hate politics and I doubt they ever get their license to vote, if they do they probably just ask Ike who he’s voting for.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?They don’t do well in school but they know a lot about the things they’re actually interested in, like religion and survival. I guess they’re intelligent? Idk.

11. How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?They consider themselves a dumbass because they measure that sort of stuff by the grades they received during school.

12. How does their education and intelligence- or lack thereof- reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations? Hmm. Well.. they use a lot of words like ‘dunno’ ‘y’know’ ‘shoulda’ etc. and they trip over their words sometimes. I wouldn’t say that reflects their intelligence though.

13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?They hated school and didn’t try very hard so teachers were never overly fond of them. They were bullied for a while and weren’t very good at making friends, I think they actually went out of their way to avoid making friends.

14. Were they involved in school? Sports? Clubs? Debate? Were they unconnected?Nope. They did their best to fade into the background and go unnoticed.

15. Did they graduate? High school? College? Do they have a PHD? A GED?They graduated high school and that came as a surprise to them. They didn’t go to post-secondary.

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they like their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?I actually decided that the job I have (a personal shopper) would be a great fit for them lmao. So that’s what they do, not forever cause they probably have to take a decent amount of time off to take care of themselves. They do graveyards since they hardly sleep anyway and so that they don’t have to interact with too many people so they don’t mind it overall, they do hate the occasional interaction with customers though.

17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?They went to Disneyland before the divorce, just for a family vacation. They went to Toronto for their dad’s wedding after graduation. They’ve also been to Mexico with Mickey and Ike for Mickey’s cousin’s wedding sometime in their late 20s.

18. What did they find abroad, and what did they remember?They don’t remember much from their trip to Disneyland other than crying on the tea cup ride. In Toronto it was very awkward and they had a very bad mental breakdown during the reception. They spent an hour talking to Ike on the phone in the parking lot of a gas station across from where the reception was being held and drank a large slurpee. They probably threw up later that night from the alcohol from the wedding and all the sugar. In Mexico they ended up ‘reconnecting’ with god and also got a nice necklace from one of Mickey’s aunts. So like yeah they’ve had some good travel experiences.

19. What were your character’s deepest delusions? In life? What are they now?That their dad abandoned them, that they were going to die before they got to graduation, and that everything their mom said about them was tea™️. They also don’t believe that they’re capable of getting better.

20. Honest to god I ain’t got a clue they live in the same time we do.

21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?They have very good manners when it comes to being polite people that are older than them but they can be pretty rude to people that are their age, especially if they don’t like them. They’re a big fan of the heroes in murder mysteries, specifically detectives like Poirot. And they hate a lot of people, specifically their middle school bullies and their mom, also politicians.

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?Mickey and Ike are the only people they’ve had any sort of long lasting relationship with. Ike’s their best friend and has been since elementary school. They don’t really have a ‘type’, they’ve never considered what their type is since they never really got crushes and have only been in a relationship with Ike and Mickey. Overall, I&M are their ideal partners since they’re the only people they’ve ever felt comfortable with.

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?They kinda just want someone to chill with. They’re not big romance or sex, but they definitely don’t mind it, so long as their partner respects that they’re not always or often going to be down.

24. What social group and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play usually?They attend group therapy on the rare occasion when Ike and/or Mickey drag them to it lmao??? They’re a wallflower and don’t take part in groups, they don’t like interacting with people.

25. What are their hobbies and interests?They love nature, they have lots of survival/plant/insect books, they’re also really into history, legends and witchcraft. They spend a lot of time in the woods and reading, mostly they read murder mysteries and try to figure out who the killer was before it’s revealed.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?Their childhood home is medium sized, their room was upstairs and kinda a mess, they had lots of random junk in their room. They move into an apartment that they take better care of with Ike and Mickey’s help, they still keep a lot of random junk though. Their room is kinda crowded (in both houses). They like rooms to be darker and more filled cause it feels more cozy and makes them feel less vulnerable. They wear dark, concealing clothes, or they steal Mickey’s shirts, normally their tops are oversized. They’re hair is a mess and only looks decent because Mickey takes care of it for them. They’re pale and look very tired. Cause they are. Very tired.

27. How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?They look like a disaster and they are. They start taking better care of themselves after they move out and when Mickey moves in and tries to make them put more effort into their appearance. Most of their clothes are thrifted, typically their pants are well fitted but their tops, specifically sweaters, are too big. They don’t have a specific style, but almost everything they wear are in dark shades.

28. Who is your character’s mate? How do they relate to them? How did they make their choice?Lmao I guess Ike and Mickey are their ‘mates’. They’re very different from both of them, they share some interests, Mickey’s into witchcraft and such spiritual things, and them and Ike have much history. They didn’t really ‘choose’ them it kinda just happened and I don’t think they’re sure how it happened, not that they’re going to complain.

29. What is your character’s weakness? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?They’re very distrusting, stubborn and don’t put much effort into anything. Also just very bad at communicating with people.

30. Are they holding onto something in the past? Can they forgive?They held onto the whole issue with their dad for most of their life but are working towards forgiving them; however, they can’t forgive how their mom treated them.

31. Nah son they don’t have kids.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?They either get too deep into their thoughts or dissociate, either way they’re probably shutting down.

33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health?They don’t drink too often. The only drugs they take are antidepressants which they get when they’re 27, which they should’ve gotten sooner. Mentally their health is shit, they don’t take very good care of themselves either and can only run about three blocks before their out of breath.

34. Does your character feel self righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?Very much contemptuous.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?They just stopped giving a shit in grade 7.

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see these people suffering?They don’t exactly like to suffer but they definitely make themselves suffer cause they think it’s what they deserve. They don’t like seeing other people suffer but of course there’s some people they wouldn’t mind seeing get tortured.

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?They spent a lot of time daydreaming about running away/disappearing. If not that their mind is full of invasive thoughts or completely blank.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?They’re definitely weary about most new things, but not outright negative about them.

39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?Themselves!! Haha!!

40. How is their sense of humour? Do they have one?They enjoy dark humour? Or like.. very odd humour. They might laugh at a really good pun or meme from time to time though.

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?They aren’t completely aware of what they could be capable of if they tried harder, but they’re very much aware of the state that they’re currently in they just don’t think that there’s a way to get out of it.

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?I guess they want freedom. They’d willingly sacrifice relationships, and cut people out of their life, to obtain it. I guess they’d also sacrifice their life since they see death as the only way they’ll ever achieve true freedom??

43. Does your character have any secrets? If so are they holding them back?Uh I can’t think of anything specific but yeah they have secrets. They keep a lot to themselves and if anyone is gonna know it’s gonna be Ike but sometimes he’s only going to know the bare minimum.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?They don’t work very hard to get what they want, they’ll do small things but if it’s going to take a lot of effort they’re more likely to find away around it or just give up.

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?They think first, but a lot of the time they don’t like the make decisions themselves.

46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?Uhh.. I’m still considering what their exact height is.. 5’7” ish? So they’re about average height maybe? They’re thin cause they don’t eat very well. And overall not a big fan of their physical form.

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Do they want to be visible or invisible?I guess they don’t really care what sort of image they project, they just don’t want to be noticed. An image that says ‘leave me the fuck alone’ perhaps?

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?Very restrained, normally they touch their arms/hands/neck a lot.

49. What about their voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm or speech? Prononciation? Accent?Their voice is raspy and quiet, sometimes they trip over their words.

50. What are their prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?Sour/tired.

Holy guacamole that took a long time but thank you so much I’m glad that you like Lou!!!!

[wildflower8281]

Some of the Crazy Shit in #nunlife

I’m trying to understand why I’m feeling so moved to write (again!) about much of this and share it. I think the answer is 3-fold:

1.) To bring awareness to an institution that is little known and that does a few things well, but a buncha things not so greatly. Incase any friends, parents or girls considering religious life ever read this – I have been and am happy to be available to connect and share more. I’ve been doing this for years offline – just sharing the behind the scenes, so as to remove the idealistic view that this order portrays. People be free to make their own decisions, tho!

2.) For me, there is a release and a letting go that happens when I write and share it out. It’s like the energy of it all is no longer lingering in my body and mind. It’s on the laptop and it’s out in the world. While I’ve had lots of pieces of my transition on my tumblr for years and other #nunlife posts on fb before, for some reason I’m feeling moved to write this way and share now, so here I am!

3.) I think my #conventlife is also like a really good book. You can revisit it at various points in your life and see new things, take in new messages, read the nuances even further. It’s pretty fascinating to me, so I enjoy revisiting, looking at parts from new perspectives, and allowing new lessons and wisdoms to appear for me.

(Below, basketball games and birthday celebrations with some of our very favorite youth and families.) 

In my last post, I shared a lot of what life in Spanish Harlem was like, as a missionary sister, living day to day. Pretty basic nun stuff, even if it was new to readers. Here I’m going to follow-up with some events during my 4 years in San Pablo that I have a love/hate relationship with. I love them because I’m pretty sure without them taking place, I may never have left (and leaving has been all things awesome, so!)….and I hate them because they were truly some of the most difficult, exhausting, dark years of my life on all levels. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it was the Universe going: “Here – you are getting the intensive course on burnout…Imma send you a legit crazy (1 definite, a few mas or menos) and make you literally in charge of everything…for 2+ years. Then, you’ll die, want to leave and get on with your life.” 

I think like any people-pleaser, like anyone who can’t say no, like anyone who knows not their own voice – my story is no different, with the exception that I was wearing a bright blue habit and a veil. The rules were a little more dramatic – to say no, was saying no to God….and quitting was quite literally scandalous….but still, same structure. I think we all have our own levels of what drives us to our utter exhaustion and burnout. For me, it was a mentally ill sister and replacing another who left, with little support in either situation. This is not a complete piece about why I left – as ultimately the motivation was much more interior - but more a list of external events and circumstances that led to my utter collapse on all levels.

How To Get Girls to Leave Religious Life in 3 Easy Steps:

·         Make them Superior. Firstly, being the “superior” of nuns older than you both in religious life and real life just felt uncomfortable. Dealing with the Pastor without having any mission experience was also highly uncomfortable, and it didn’t help that he was the most stoic priest ever and only spoke when necessary. It was annoying and scary at first. (After getting to know him over the years, however, that eased up & I learned he was like a really big-hearted Uncle, who had drank the Stoic Koolaid. It’s cool. I admire him for many things still to this day. He has actually since left the order, but is still a priest!) Being sent to Harlem as superior was like this: “Here, be in charge of all operations in this place you’ve never been to, and be in charge of these people who have been here longer than you.” It was just annoying and stressful!!! That’s what I got for being responsible & docile. Of course, I looked to the sisters who had been there longer for most of my answers in those first years. I knew how to be humble, yo! But still – I really didn’t enjoy being the Superior.. Training was joke – barely a week. It’s “the missionary adventure!” they said. “Trust the Holy Spirit!” they said! “Grace will provide!” they said!  #Koolaid, I say, to help the cray go down easier.

·         Send them a Crazy. My 2nd year there, the Provincial Superior decided to send me a “troubled” sister. Due to my “calm and peaceful nature” she thought I could handle this sister and would be a good superior for her and that I should really try to bond with her, so that she would trust me & get better, etc. This sister was notorious for her emotional outbursts & instability and for having been shipped from convent to convent, because of the trouble she caused....

 Long, long story short-ish – she ended up having Borderline Personality Disorder, which we discovered during her stint in Harlem. (Before I go any further, please know I take mental illness very seriously. If there is any circumstance that made me realize it’s a very serious thing, it would be the one I am describing here. It’s no joke, it’s not her fault, but many versions of BPD do require intense programs to really get anywhere. I learned and read a shit-ton about it all, not to mention lived it on a daily basis in a very intimate way. I am in no way here blaming this sister for her antics, as clearly the #ssvm is to blame for not responsibly providing her the care she clearly needed.) She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist and it was recommended by him (note, a doctor who specialized in treating catholic religious….) that she be put into an intensive treatment program – like a 3-4 day a week program. It was also suggested that she go home to Argentina until she was well, or just for good. Well, the order carried out none of the recommendations of the doctors blaming money constraints and also because “the sick are our chalices” – a brainwashy line in our rulebook to make us think it’s virtuous and saintly to care for every member who is sick in any way, and never send them home. Keeping them with us and taking care of them is like making spiritual bank, basically. So, she stayed in our convent for 2+ years, basically causing unrest on a weekly and, often daily basis. Personally, it was emotionally exhausting for me, as I was the person closest to her & obliged always to care for her (the rest of the sisters basically avoided her and walked on egg-shells around her.) If you know anything about this mental illness, you know that it’s the people closest to them that they manipulate, abuse and have a love/hate relationship with. I think I went to more doctors appointments with her in those 2 years, than ever in my life – every specialist of every kind, there was always something. Basically anything to get my attention. Days when she would cry for hours on end, lock herself in the bathroom, bang her head against the wall, threaten suicide, be totally rebellious….and most of these situations, it was just me and her in the convent. Everyone else was out doing their things in the parish, but I was stuck at home, dealing with her. Despite that though, she found a way to piss off, provoke and drive all my sisters crazy. People with this mental illness are very emotionally savvy and know exactly what to say to provoke and push buttons. The sisters fell for it over and over again, until they finally learned & paid her no mind, which is what she could not stand. Same with me. This is how I learned to not engage. It’s been one of the wisest practices of my life & has saved me a lot of bullshit. The provincial superior, no matter how many things I shared with either of them (there were 2 during my 4 years in Harlem,) never did much to actually help me. It took my spiritual director (priest) to ask the provincial superior to remove this sister from our convent, for my sanity. Did I mention that I was sent with her to Argentina to visit a special doctor?! This was the last straw for me. I ended up cutting my part of the trip short, and flew home alone from Buenos Aires to New York, because she was absolutely nuts and if I stayed any longer, I was going to lose my mind. After that trip is when I asked Father to beg to have her removed from my care and from my convent.  It was emotional and mental manipulation at its best by her, who was ill, and then to feel that my own superiors and order would not remove this situation from not only me, who also had anywhere from 3-5 other sisters to be present to, but would not remove the situation from our house, where it affected the peace and happiness of our convent community.  I am positive it was this situation in particular that really began breaking my circuits. One at a time, the breakers were being flicked off. My brain had less and less mental energy to make decisions. I stopped caring about anything…

·         Add Work, Remove Support. My 3rd year there (still with Sister Borderline), one of our mainstay sisters (the bitchy one) had not gotten laid yet, but had to go back to Argentina to help her mother. She ended up staying there for an entire year and no replacement was sent my way for her. I was asked to take over her parish duties, which was basically a full time job. She was the Director of Religious Education of our huge bilingual program – over 400 students, half on Saturday in Spanish, the rest on Sunday in English. It was a huge beast of a job (like in other parishes, is a regular paid FT job) that I was tasked with, with minimal help. The provincial house sent me 1 sister for a few hours a week to help me, but that was it. This job entailed not only weekend classes, but catechist formation classes (teaching adults how to teach and about the faith) and a ton of reception of the Sacraments, like coordinating hundreds of parents, sponsors and students for Baptisms, 1st Communions and Confirmations with the Bishop and all that insanity. I asked for another full time sister – someone who could really take over and was not given any more help than a few hours a week. Plus, I was still the provincial liturgist, having girls visit our convent, and doing all the things I originally had to do in the parish and as a superior. I was relieved of nothing, just tossed a full time job on top. So, at home I was being driven utterly insane (oh, and of course she was jealous that I was at the parish so much more, so of course she would have bouts of emergency illness, random piercing pains, etc, anything to get me to come back home and check her out, give her attention, make an emergency doctor visit, etc.) and at work, I was overloaded, but expected by Father and the parishoners to keep everything status quo. Not to mention the people of the parish obviously had no idea about the stressor of Sister Borderline and Father knew only minimal information and really didn’t care. He needed shit to get done in his parish and he didn’t care about an angry, whiney, emotional nun in the convent who didn’t work in his parish anyway. Nice set up, huh?

I mean – is it no wonder I left, I don’t like responsibility and I don’t like people?

Is it no wonder I can spot the red flags of people’s bullshit a mile away and be like #talktothehand. Peace.

Is it no wonder I aim to keep my lifestyle simple, free and lighthearted?

Is it no wonder I never want my work or job to become my life?

Is it no wonder that I go crazy when I see people who just don’t say no, and let people or organizations bulldoze over them?

Is it no wonder I never want to be in charge of shit, plan events or do someone else’s work?!

 (Below, amazing youth at my farewell party...I was sent to the mission in Avondale, PA in July 2011 to be a regular sister and take a breather. This breather allowed me to realize and accept it was time for me to go home. Story for another day! Far right is now a NYPD!)

So, like I said at the beginning, it’s a love/hate relationship with these aforementioned circumstances. They totally sucked and at the same time, taught me so many lessons and infused me with loads of insight that I use daily. This is why the children, youth and families of Harlem are my absolute faves – in order to escape the stress and heaviness and utter out-of-controlness of my life, I would just go and hang with them. Laugh with them, eat and play with them. They helped ground me, allowed me to breathe and just always loved on me. And they still do to this day.

How interesting that my own religious family would not support me in these circumstances, and does not see me (or many of us who have left) as family even today? Yet the people of San Pablo always did and still do. I have real friendships with the people I met in Harlem, literally to this day. And when I go back to NY, I visit them. And yet, with the exception of 1 human, no one from the ive or the ssvm would consider me family today. #whoislivingthegospel? #irony

I’m not throwing shade….well, ok, maybe I am, ha! Sometimes, shade’s gotta be thrown, yo! #truth

[yamsfreckles-archive]

Omg I hope it’s not too personal to ask about ur experience leaving the Mormon church; I was going to an lds church for a hot second and just oh god no

Thank you so much for your patience with me taking so long to answer this! Moving is stressful af (Also I hope you don’t mind that I’m answering this publicly. I rarely talk about this huge part of my life, but I feel it’s important for others to know before making a decision on joining a religion)

I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Usually called the LDS Church, or often just the “Mormon Church”). I was “born in the Covenant”, which is just a fancy way of saying my family was already members of the church when I was born. So basically, the mormon church and culture framed my Entire Life from the moment I was born until I officially resigned from the religion a year and a half ago. 

The core principal of mormanism is The Plan of Salvation - basically the idea that we were predestined in our pre-mortal lives to come to Earth and be tested, and if we remain faithful for our whole lives, when we die we will be exalted to the highest degree and have our family with us for all eternity. (Also there are three kingdoms of exaltation, and the highest one has three layers to it, and if you are in the highest layer of the highest kingdom then you actually get to create your own universe [if you’re a man] and become the God of that universe. If you’re a woman then your eternal duty is to bare children for your God-husband and populate that universe and never really be acknowledged lmao). Although that last fact isn’t super well known in the church doctrine. 

The mormon church follows the Bible like most Christian religions, but they also follow a separate book called “The Book of Mormon”, which the church authorities refer to as “the most correct of any book on Earth”. The Book of Mormon is all about how a righteous family left Jerusalem before it was destroyed and built a boat and sailed to the Americas where there was a war and half of the family descendants - the Lamanites - were evil and sought to bring down the kingdom of God, while the other half - the Nephites - were righteous to a fault. The Lamanites ended up getting struck with “blackness” for their sins so that they could be told apart from the white, and therefore good, Nephites. Church authorities in the past have claimed that the Lamanites were the direct ancestors of the Native Americans. Which is hugely racist and disgusting to say, because the book literally said that black skin would show “their abominations”. (But hey this church has been openly racist, sexist, and homophobic since its conception so big surprise there)

Anyway, there is a lot more doctrine and I could spend an eternity writing about it because it gets me so angry, but I feel this answer is already going to be fucking long enough so I’ll just leave those two points. Though if you want to know more about the church’s history with racism or sexism, let me know!

So like I said, I was born into this church and I was baptised at eight years old (the age of accountability) to become an official member of the church. I was completely in love with the church. It gave me purpose and friends. If you live in Utah or Idaho, Mormonism is the primary religion and you can’t go two blocks without seeing a church building.

When I got to high school I attended Seminary every day (basically church school for teens) and my senior year I was actually on the seminary council - a group of kids who got their kicks because they were the most righteous. That was the year I started to doubt, and doubt hard. Everything on the surface of the church seemed good and nice, but there were little things here and there that bothered me. I was told to “doubt my doubts before I doubted my faith” and that if I sought the Lord in sincere prayer, that he would answer me and I would know for sure the church was true. 

And I did pray. I prayed and fasted and did everything I could. I read my scriptures and attended church and did the best I could in my church callings. I never received an answer. And of course that made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I doubled my efforts and ended up having a nervous breakdown because I was a doubter and God didn’t want to speak to me because of that. 

Around this same time I was also starting to come to terms with my sexuality which only made me feel worse about the whole thing, because homosexuality is a sin in mormonism, as it is in most major Christian religions.

Finally after a full year of radio silence from God despite my best efforts and humbling myself and truly wanting an answer, I started to research on my own. If God wasn’t going to give me the answers I needed, then I was going to find them for myself. And thanks to my research, I came to the conclusion that none of it was true. Which makes it sound like an easy process, but it took a long time and it emotionally hurt me reading so many contradictory things. Because I had truly loved the church. When I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t true, I honestly felt like a part of me had died.

After my revelation I went away to college and cut myself off from the church. I made some amazing friends who helped me realize how awesome being gay is, and that no religion can determine my worth. But I still felt the loss of the church and ended up in a huge depressive episode that ultimately made me drop out of college. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my life and consolidate everything I know with my relationships with my loved ones who still believe. The guilt-trips I got from family and “friends” when I stopped going to church were insane.

And then a new policy was released in November of 2016 stating that if a child of a gay couple wanted to join the church, they could not be baptised until they were 18, and they had to publicly disavow their parents’ lifestyle before they would be allowed to join the church. The church was literally making children turn on their loving parents to join a church. The effects of this policy were horrendous. There was a spike in Utah lgbt teen suicides as a result. I was horrified and disgusted, and that’s when I decided that, even though I hadn’t been to church in years and that I knew it was absolute garbage, I could not have my name tied in any way to this organization. So I drafted a formal resignation letter to send to the church administration building and demanded that they take my name off their membership records. 

I’m still facing repercussions for that decision from family members. To a lot of them, it’s like I’ve died. Because to resign from the church means you cancel all the effects of baptism and any saving ordinance you received while a member. Meaning, I won’t be exalted and I won’t be with my family forever when I die. And even though I know it’s not true, it was such a huge aspect of my life and personality from the day I was born, that I’ve struggled having an identity since I left. Having a spiritual crisis seems like an easy thing on paper, but it is so much more complex than a lot people make it out to be. Right now I don’t have the ability to see a future for myself where I am finally done being affected by mormonism, but every day I get a step closer if that makes sense.

This answer has been long enough, so I didn’t have a chance to touch on the abuses within the church, gaslighting, magical underwear, how the church is actively covering up and excusing sexual assault, how children as young as 12 are subjected to private worthiness interviews where sexually explicit questions may be asked by an adult man, how the first Prophet of the church who “translated” the Book of Mormon was a treasure hunter who had multiple wives and married girls as young as 14 years old, or eternal polygamy (not the same as polyamory which I fully support mind you). Plus much much more. My research was extensive.

But hopefully that gives you a “brief” explanation of my experience escaping from the mormon cult.

[invisibleabuse]

Awake

I realized recently, when discussing blogging with a friend, that I have not updated this in quite some time. To be honest, it is for the best of reasons.

I finally got out of the relationship that has caused me so much pain over the last 7.5-8 years. The whole story is remarkable, to be honest, and I have changed dramatically since. People I know well, and people I know casually - all of them keep asking me why I seem different. The truth is that I’m free now. I’m happy. I feel unencumbered.

At the beginning of 2017, I officially hit the point where I knew that I wanted to be free from my relationship. I didn’t know how to leave, though, and felt so much guilt because despite his cruelty and anger, I knew he depended on me. I knew that much of his shortcomings probably stemmed from unprocessed issues with his self-worth and perceived lack of control over his life. I knew it would break him if I left, and with him genuinely trying to do better for me, I felt it would be unfair to leave. I stayed a few more months, each day more confusing than the previous: should I stay? Should I go? I’m not happy with him, but he needs me. I am still afraid of him, but he is trying to control his temper and hasn’t yelled at me quite like he used to. I still feel shame and guilt surrounding my body and sexuality, but he tries to make sure it is better for me now, unlike in our past.

To be brief (the full story will require a lot more time than I have at present), I had a conversation with someone who knows me very, very well. This person can read me better than my own mother, and oddly knows exactly what I need to hear, always. While speaking with him, I became fully aware of my feelings for the first time in years. After years of confusion and wondering if I should leave because I was unhappy, or stay because we were both “truly working on it,” I felt confident. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to leave. In that moment, all the fear, self-doubt, and inadequacies fell away. I knew I would be fine, and that I would be happy and safe. I ended it that day.After several months to look back on this, I am shocked at myself. It’s like I grew 5 spiritual levels over my whole life, then grew 10 in a week. I came into myself fully, and felt so aware of who I am, who I want to be.

My family and friends all waited for me to fall apart. Everyone asked if I was ok, offered hugs, flowers, and invitations for nights out with the girls. I haven’t cried once. It’s like I did all of my crying in the relationship, and now that I’m free, it feels.....unnecessary. The most amazing thing is that the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying for all these years is gone. All the self-hatred, fear, doubt, confusion, and general depression is gone. I feel in control of my life, and I feel safe and happy. I know who I am now, and I’m too strong to be broken by someone like him. He is still bothering me (I may literally need to get a restraining order since he won’t let me go, and has even followed me), but I feel carefree. He keeps asking me to again explain why our relationship had to end even though we both were working on it. I keep telling him that I finally realized that my happiness matters, and that we can’t be what we need for each other. It would only doom us to a life of boredom, and fear and resentment on my end, and irritation and anger on his. The thing that is bizarre is that all of the things that hurt me the most are just gone. I remember all of them, but feel no emotion for them. Before you tell me that is unhealthy, let me be clear - it’s not that I don’t allow myself to feel it. It’s like all of it was processed, faced head on, and then left to perish, far away from myself. The things that used to eat at me are gone. There were so many things he said that would ricochet around in my head when I felt down. So many things he did to me that made me feel shame and fear. They were things that I only told my very closest friend. I’d sob and tell her about them, ashamed and embarrassed, certain anyone who knew would hate me. I was afraid that I could never rebuild what I had lost.

Well, now I can honestly say that any stranger in the world could ask me to tell them the cruelest words ever spoken to me, and I could tell them with no fear, no trepidation, no sadness. I could tell anyone my most painful moments, and not feel it emotionally. I let it all go, and feel free and unburdened.

So here it is, everyone: my former most limiting stories and moments; the things that held me captive for fear of surviving while carrying them; imprisoned by my fear of living with the weight I felt.

1. Once my ex got angry at me for forgetting to bring a coupon, and grabbed my by the throat and started choking me, while my family watched on. Not wanting my family to be as afraid as I was, I tried to pretend this was a joke. I forced myself to fake laugh and pretend it was all a game, too afraid of my family knowing that the man I was giving myself to was literally choking me for forgetting a 2 for 1 coupon to the movies.

2. All of the hateful things said about my body (see previous posts for more on that): my small breasts, fat stomach and thighs, large butt, frizzy hair, large hands, etc. I was so afraid that anyone who saw me would see what he saw. Now I know that no one will, because what he saw was a reflection of his own negativity and inadequacies.

3. The time that I bought my own engagement ring, but had to tell everyone that he did.

4. The lowest moment of my life, when I hit the brink of insanity. After a night of arguing, and me trying to reassure him that no one broke in the house, and he had only been dreaming, he started to tell me that he heard police in his house. I told him that wasn’t real, but he couldn’t be convinced. He kept telling me what a stupid bitch I was being, and that I should respect him and believe him, etc, and I snapped. I grabbed his Sigg Sauer .45 hand gun and held it to my head, screaming and crying that I would kill myself, and then telling him that if cops were in his house, they would be storming his bedroom. He couldn’t be convinced, and I spent 5 minutes holding a loaded gun to my head, wondering if life would be better if I just did it. This started as an attempt to reassure him, but it also made me feel in control of my life for the first time in years. As our relationship got darker and more controlling, I glamorized suicide. It wasn’t that suicide seemed like a good idea - I knew it would hurt my family - it was that it seemed like my only avenue away from him. I would look at our medicine cabinet, and consider what I could take that would do the trick. I eyed the steak knives and considered what it would feel like to saw into my flesh, and then watch the blood pool around me as I waited to finally be free. I don’t know what held me back, but I’m grateful for whatever it was.

5. The time he bent me over and shoved himself into me, with no warning or foreplay, and slammed fully into my cervix. I doubled over, crying, grasping my midsection and sobbing, trying to get the cramping to subside. He stood there, stroking his penis, looking down at me, and said, “I know you won’t like this, but I’m so incredibly turned on right now.....you’re only making me more hard.”

6. The countless times he would tell me how much he hated my family and friends, all good people who were kind to me (and even him, my abuser). I would try to defend them, but he would cut me off and make me listen to him tear them apart for whatever odd thing they did that he disliked. Most of these people fell out of my life because he wouldn’t allow me to see them. I’m rebuilding now.

7. The many times I would anger him to the point when he wanted to beat me, but knew it would be impossible to hide. He would sit me down in front of his punching bag, and I would watch while he flew into a blind rage, punching, kicking, screaming, yelling about me being an ungrateful bitch. I would cry and know that he was showing me what he wanted to do to me, if only there were no consequences.

That is the bulk of it. What is amazing to me is that none of it holds me back now. My life is my own creation, and I’m creating a life that fulfills me. I’m happy; I’m free; I’m awake. I’m living intentionally now, and no longer believe that things happen “to me.” Now I know that things only happen around me, and I live and grow and learn and love in spite of the things outside of my control.Life is too short to be anything but free. If you want to reach out to me, you can. I am here for anyone who is still trying to break free. Life doesn’t have to be miserable and controlled. It is meant to be freeing, memorable, unencumbered, and earth-shattering. Live intentionally. A friend of mine told me to repeat this to myself whenever I need to be reminded that I create my life, and I am in control of myself and my happiness: “I am the I am, and I choose. I only choose things for my highest good.” Call me cheesy, call me naive - I don’t care. This is the life I was meant to live, and I will love it deeply.

[amorremanet]

20! And character of your choice, or All if them

headcanon meme du jour (…which I hope you meant to let me do my oc’s for, nonny, since you didn’t pick a fandom either? sorry in advance, if you didn’t??)

20. “What-ifs/Alternate Timelines”: is a fun prompt for me, because I think about it constantly with my characters. One of the upsides of writing about superheroes is that I could go there, especially since I’ve nixed some more out-there pieces of superhero “science” from my world — like, time travel and time-manipulation (because I hate them and all their inbuilt plot-holes) and aliens (they exist but largely aren’t sure what to do with Earthlings, so they’re leaving us alone for now).

I’m not going to do the infinite timelines or multiverse thing in the first book, because there’s already enough going on in it, but still. This is one of my favorite concepts ever, and I will be surprised if I don’t go there at some point. I will be dead fucking shocked if I go there without addressing the, “would you fuck a clone of yourself?” question, but that’s because I’m garbage (and already know some of the answers — though that list is slightly outdated in a few places, e.g. I was still calling Annie, “Toni”)

Sebastian: Honestly needs to stop thinking about all the, “what ifs” in his life, because yes, there are a lot of them…… but he looks at all the wrong ones.

Like, “What if I hadn’t met Todd and Margot at NYU” — you would’ve made friends with someone else, or maybe gotten closer to some of your other friends from undergrad (e.g., April could be less of a Christmas card friend now), but no, Pretty Boy, you wouldn’t actually be dead.

“What if I’d gone to seminary” — you would’ve quit for all the reasons why you didn’t go to seminary (like, “Holy Mother Church hates gay people, and in addition to being gay, you object to their, ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner’ nonsense” and, “You would’ve gotten annoyed at the lack of doing things outside of the seminary, and also bored”), and then run back to your former life.

Despite where Seb focuses, the biggest, “what ifs” for him are actually much less about the big deal events in his life and more about the smaller choices that add up in the long-term (e.g., “What if I was less defensive with my big brother on a constant basis”), because those are the ones that he doesn’t pay attention to, which he’s working on… but it’s hard for him.

Pete: Some of the, “what ifs” that most get Pete’s attention are: “What if my Mama had ever left my Dad” (not that she really had the resources to do so until after Pete’s Dad died and rendered leaving him a moot point, which Pete knows, but he still thinks about it a lot, and has no idea how it could’ve gone);

“What if Sister Mary Ignatius hadn’t made me Princess’s peer-mentor” (a legitimate huge turning point for both of them, and like? They might well have wound up being friends anyway, because they shared a pet-favorite extracurricular — theatre club — but this, “What if” is the one that makes both of them go, “………?” because at this point, not being friends is borderline unfathomable to them, but they’re really not sure how it would’ve shaken out otherwise);

“What if my Dad hadn’t died” (despite what Pete thinks, he wouldn’t still be living in Brooklyn; people he loves needed him back home, and the cost of “superhero insurance” in New York is ridiculous. However, he’d be on-edge all the time and scared shit-less of potentially running into his Dad, and he probably wouldn’t have gone to rehab without an epic crash-and-burn.

Because in the main-canon timeline, Pete went to his Mama to ask for help paying for treatment, and she went, “Yes, but you’re going to inpatient like your friends because I don’t know if I trust the other options you’ve come up with.”

But Pete would not have felt safe enough to ask about this if his Dad had still been alive, so he would’ve carried on until he got an intervention, which most likely would’ve required him to crash and burn somehow);

“What if Grandma Virginia had died sooner”

(Virginia was Pete’s paternal grandmother. He hates her and, on a semi-regular basis, chooses to make sure that everybody knows how much he hates her.

This is fair enough, because she was an emotionally and spiritually abusive piece of shit, who was homophobic as Hell — which really sucked for Pete and his cousin Emerson, because they were two of the grandkids she favored most while pitting them against each other for her affection and approval [ostensibly despite the fact that Emerson’s immediate family situation is one of having two dads and two moms*], and then both of them got outed to the family, and it was a huge mess in both cases.

She was also racist as fuck [which fucked with Pete, because his Mama is Filipina mestizx], and antisemitic as fuck [which fucked with Emerson because his Mother, i.e. bio-mom, and Dad, i.e. his Mother’s brother and biological father’s partner, are Jewish, and Emerson and his siblings were raised both Catholic and Jewish, and Virginia tried her damnedest to get Emerson to erase and ignore his own Jewish heritage]…… and just, yeah.

Grandma Virginia helped make messes out of her grandkids’ lives, and a lot could’ve gone differently, in big and small ways, if she had died sooner. It probably would not have been as unilaterally awesome as Pete likes to think, and on some level, he knows that.

But he really wants to dream that everything would have magically been better if his abusive Grandma had died sooner, and he cordially invites you to just let him have this dream because if you disagree with him about it, you are probably right, but he literally did not ask, so keep it to yourself.

Even if he did ask, Pete would prefer it if you kept any of your dissenting opinions about this situation to yourself)

(*: I say, “ostensibly” because Emerson’s family is: his older brother, Hank [Henry David, but nobody calls him that unless he’s in trouble]; their younger sister, Charlotte; their Father, Nicholas Arden; their Dad, Jacob Halperin, Nicholas’s husband; their Mother, Rachael Halperin, who is Dad’s big sister; and their Mom, Melissa Rosenthal, Rachael’s wife.

So, given that Emerson, Hank, and Charlotte are the children of two gay couples and three of four parents are Jewish, it would make sense for Grandma Virginia to have favored Emerson despite his parents.

But Emerson and Pete’s theory is that Virginia favored Em because of his parents, in a bid to, “save him” from the influence of three of his four parents, just like how she tried to manipulate Pete into walling himself off from his maternal family, to, “save him from their heretical version of Catholicism”… which was a euphemism for, “because she was a racist piece of shit and wanted to drag him away from his Filipinx family by force if necessary”)

(Pete has literally danced on her grave before.

I mean, it quickly progressed into having a meltdown on her grave and needing Seb to literally pick him up off the ground and drive him home — which Pete only didn’t have to wait about, because they’d already been there, done that, with his Dad’s grave, so he took Seb with him that time — but.

Dancing was involved.

He’s working on these feelings with his therapist, but it is…… a process. So, here we are.)

and “What if I’d done something more useful and profitable with my life than going into the theatre” (and he’s concluded that he’d probably still be an addict, but sobriety would be even harder for him because he’d be completely miserable — not that he particularly recommends his life choices to anybody, since his fulfilling career means periodically relying on his Mom’s and/or his dead Dad’s money in ways that he’d rather not. But it also means that his emotional wellbeing is in a better place and he’s happy more often than not, and Pete knows how lucky he is that this worked out for him how it did, so…… yup)

—and this is where I could easily go on, but I’m driving my mom to the airport in the morning, so I’m cutting myself off

[indigomountaingirl]

Major Life Changes

Quite a few of you have been inquiring as to what is going on with me, and a few of you have been a part of the more intimate journey.  I have debated how much to share publicly because it would mean speaking out about my shame, embarrassment and current declining emotional state. I haven’t felt very social as of late and have grown exhausted of inquiries of “how are you?” I have been struggling with some pretty major depression for over a year now.  I had a series of spiritual experiences starting at Arise two years ago that were followed by an intense phase of darkness. I recovered briefly last summer after my trip to Witch Camp and the Red Wood forest.  Traveling has often been immensely healing for me.   In August of 2016, I had it all (in my opinion).  I made the most money of my 2 year spiritual practice and business working less than 2 weeks that month.  I attended Mystery School and connected many dots of consciousness and had a teacher who could actually help me develop my abilities as a Seer.  I lived in my dream location out in the woods West of Boulder in a solar powered cabin by the creek.  I was making it running a spiritual practice working minimally and traveling extensively.  I was able to take a trip a month at the beginning of last year.  Running my spiritual practice over the last 2 years was the first time I had ever been proud of what I did to make money.  Despite its ups and downs, in the first year I was independently able to afford my life living alone in Boulder.  Life was magical and synchronic even in its unsteadiness.   My Mystery School Teacher recognized my sensitive nature in class and recommended I receive a session from him which I did the day before he returned to Italy.  As soon as he took his hands out of my energy field, a respiratory sickness set in and a cough began that lasted in that round 8 weeks.  I was too sick to work and then embarked on the journey to Standing Rock where I witnessed so much hatred and love and unwell spirits that I came home harboring even more collective crud and my sickness increased.  I had by far the worst month of my practice in October with only 1 client.  After 8 weeks of bed rest and healing by myself in the woods, I was ready to go once more, thankfully, I had been able to live off the reserves of my great month of business. In November, I was offered what seemed like a great client opportunity online.  It seemed like the financial break that I was looking for.  It ended up being a scam that drained me of my remaining thousands of dollars. I was left with no means to pay my bills and a broken heart. Thankfully a friend rallied for me and raised $1,500 via crowd funding which helped get me through.  The shame I felt from having to ask for help was huge.  Soon after, someone I had been working with for a while offered me more work and I began to dig into that welcoming the financial break that it offered. In addition, I had been in and out of a relationship for the past year with a man who I loved/love deeply but our dynamic didn’t operate in a way that felt emotionally supportive of either of us (I assume) and I went through repeated cycles of feeling mentally abused and abandoned and so confused about the love/leave repeat patterns of our relationship. Each time we went away from each other I experienced full blown physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms as if he had been a drug and maybe in many ways he was.  It still feels like getting over just this piece will take some time. Add increasing heartbreak at all points. On Christmas Day, I moved into the bigger cabin on my property with elation.  It felt like the ultimate upgrade and gift to self. I had more space for guests and friends and personal expression.  I had loved my little cabin but the big cabin was something even beyond that.   I was completely at peace with where I lived, rent increase and all. I celebrated New Years as an independent woman in angst surrounded by beloved community members who held space for me while I kicked and punched and screamed saddened by having to be there uncoupled with my love.  I spent a few more weeks sick with the respiratory infection/withdrawal and grief/trauma symptoms that have been a consistent companion as of late. I was seeing clients less as my un-wellness increased.  After a time, it became clear that I was in no place to be holding space for others and I let my healing practice dwindle.  The one thing I love and actually am good at, I no longer felt able to do and I have been grieving that loss as well.   For months, I have been sitting in the inquiry of what else is there?  And who am I if not this?  The answer to that seems to become further away with each day. At least I had a part time job that was keeping my head slightly above the water and a home that I loved.   At the beginning of February, I was informed by the woman who was taking over my side job that I no longer had a job. It was sudden and done in a way that felt like the year of work I put in prior to that was valueless and not even worth an explanation of why.  I still didn’t panic, grateful that the 2 personal relationships where I felt “not good enough” had faded away however painfully. I had some figuring to do.  My rent had increased $600 and I still didn’t feel able to hold space for the healing of others in practice.  So I put it out there that I was looking to rent my extra room to a friend and was elated when the perfect souls showed up.  I still cried every day but found relief when looking out my windows at the moon and aspen trees and thinking at least if this is where I live, everything is okay. My beautiful friend Jill came to stay with her dog Bella and her presence was life changing.  Mostly, because it kept me from the darkest throes of my depression.  Even if she didn’t always know how to deal with my pain, just her natural presence and giving nature had a huge impact.  Things were looking up though, I had my extra room rented and installed a beautiful door and took a big breath knowing that my rent was covered for the time being and I got to stay in my mountain oasis. Then the two by four smack against my soul struck again.  The landlord found out (I totally own my part in not communicating proper) and I was promptly and without conversation evicted from my tree house.  Talk about devastation on top of devastation.  I loved it up there.  It was in the woods away from people, I had a dance studio with pole set up, I did ceremonies on the creek.  I frikin adored where I lived.  So having it ripped away felt like I was losing an integral piece of my inner peace. Just when I thought the depression and trend of my life couldn’t get worse, it did. I packed everything up even though I had just literally finished unpacking from the move from the little cabin. I was in the big cabin less than 2 months when I was asked to leave.  AND THEN, I moved back into my parents’ house. In the city…surrounded by all the people that live here. I do love my parents but after being on my own since I was 17 this felt like a major step back.   Then I promptly got sick again, this time with the worst throat and lung pain yet.  I literally couldn’t breath and every time I coughed it felt like shattered glass on the inside of my throat.  My depression was also at its worst and I became very suicidal in mind.  The suicidal thoughts wouldn’t last super long usually 20 minutes to an hour but during those times I was so low that I became really frightened at the state I was in.  So finally, I took myself to Urgent Care.  Traditional care appointments were booked weeks out and I needed help right away. I was given a breathing test which I failed and told I had asthma and that my allergies were causing the chronic coughs. I have since undertaken an allergy test which indeed showed me that out of 66 common allergens I am HIGHLY allergic to 52 of them.  This is what was causing the illnesses, this too was what was causing the high levels of inflammation in my system leading to the severe depression.  Both the depression and my coughs started simultaneously after I left Burning Man in 2016.   Finally, I began to have an idea of what I needed to address in my health.  Still not feeling up to running a healing practice I began driving for LYFT as part of their new driver incentive program. I needed flexible work that I could partake in in a new location while I figured out my next move.  Talk about a humbling experience.  I went from making $100-$150 per hour working less than 10 hours per week to making $10-$16 per hour working over 50 hours per week.   It’s been real.   Currently, I have been misplaced from my beloved mountain home and life as I knew it for about 3 weeks.  In that time, I have cried more than I ever thought humanly possible, visited the darkest mental places I have had the pleasure of experiencing in this lifetime and at the same time received monumental levels of support from my friends, community, and family. I have decided to take a soul break in Mexico for a while and Holly and I are leaving for a wedding mid-April on a one way ticket.  That thankfully, has been a spot of light amidst all this darkness.  In addition, I have decided to get serious about my health and healing my heart.  With this much upheaval I KNOW that something bigger is moving in my world.  Life as I knew it is over.  It’s time that everything changed.   Two of my life’s greatest loves are subtle energy and movement.  Since I stopped feeling able to show up in my healing practice I have been sitting in the inquiry of what else is there?  If I am not doing this then who am I?  What do I do? I have to tell you that being a taxi driver isn’t it!   I’m the type of personality that can’t exist for very long participating in activities or relationships that don’t feel aligned with my soul.  I can survive within in them for a while but usually these things don’t last long term at least my happiness doesn’t last.  I try to live a life that I love and while running my own business was a huge challenge it provided me with the freedom I desire and also was the first career of my life that I was genuinely proud of.  I’d like to get back to that place.   What is clear is that my health needs to come first.  Until I feel better, things can’t take their full shape. I’ve been lead once again to myself.  How do I develop myself in such a way that I move forward in attracting the life that I desire?  Freedom, financial stability and doing what I love as much as possible. I have made a decision to join with Beach Body as an online fitness coach.  I have been using Beach Body programs for many years with great results.  I usually focused on the workout and not the nutrition and this time that piece is going to change.  I will be focusing on my own personal fitness and health transformation while helping others do the same. This avenue is great because it provides me with the flexibility that I desire, I get to work on myself in the process, it’s doing what I love and am already doing anyway and I can utilize my skills as an energy practitioner all at the same time. Win Win. While I am away in Mexico I will be putting my focus into some serious soul rest and also building my online businesses. Beach Body is great because you can achieve great results all from the comfort of home.  I certainly have loved it over the years and am very excited to bring it into my world as a level up in self-care and financial prosperity. I know the work that goes into creating your own business and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I keep trying to find other opportunities and I keep getting led back here to helping, to healing and to cultivating self.  In order for me to be great I have to feel great and this feels like a step in the right direction.   So, if you would like to join me in your own personal transformation. If you would like to work out from the comfort of your own home, if you would like great resources on eating right and nutrition feel free to reach out and I can guide to how you too can have all of these things. It’s time to level up.  ENERGize! I will be coming out with a series of videos on exercises that you can use to develop your subtle energy skills, mindfulness practices and also to shift energetic collapse (depression), trauma and anger. If you’ve read this far, thank you for staying with me! I look forward to connecting with you soon.

  �ճ-:�