#i love how we get to see different sides to both shion and safu that only come up when the two interact..

[shi0n]

i rly wish we got to see more of safu's and shion's friendship in the books. the small segments we do have are so good..

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Ok so I've been stalking your blog for the past couple of hrs after seeing your TadaAi posts (I'm drowning in the period drama that is this ship) and I find you ship Tododeku and rinharu (god i can't stand bakudeku and makoharu) and seems like we share a lot of our views on fandom and ships probably because we're older (I'm 22). Followed and looking forward to your input in the future!

Also you might've given me the motivation to finish watching Free! XD

Hehe yay, please, we need more ppl in our “house of oldies”, make yourself at home lol. And we share a lot of ships?! Even better <3

I knooow, I can’t believe we’ve got a gay “master who fell in love with his servant” ship in the anime, just what I needed for my idiotic collection lmao

But also these two have too much going on between them, so much wasted potential in my opinion, it’d be so interesting to explore (but sadly no xD), they were still the only interesting thing for me lolz. I love complicated morons, who became the victims of a huge unrequited requited love misunderstanding, bc they’re insecure morons lmao and they just have 2 of my fav ships vibes, so it’s probably mostly this haha. 

Oh, I’m inputting *wink wink*, can’t wait to finish the vid, I’m having too much fun with it. I’ve just literally spent several minutes trying to get whether I’ve put Tadashi’s sexy mole in the right distance from his eye in the “him moaning on the table” manip lolz. What can I say... I picked the best hobby, with all the support I’m getting with my vids, I’m living a dream xD

You know, I think I’ve said it before, but when it comes to bakudeku, I at least understand what ppl hope to see there and why, but like.. it’s just not happenning. Also imagining Bakugou lovingly hugging Midoriya is just so OOC I start laughing all the time. And whatever ppl say, in any ship whether they’re enemies or rivals or anything, if you can’t imagine them being tender with each other, smth is not right in my opinion. Also once again, who needs idiotic bleating Midoriya, idk. I’m just tired of the endless “die, deku/out of my way” yelling, I like watching Bakugou going to parties and amusement parks and doing silly stuff, too. Like I’ve said before, pride won’t ever let him change the way he behaves with Midoriya, even when they’re doing “great”. If he was the one, it wouldn’t have mattered, no matter how tough you are, and it wouldn’t take that long. I also don’t think they’re that kind of relationship, like they move each other for sure, sometimes, yeah (not always in a good way tho), but be together in a relationships? Can’t imagine that. Like not all rivals have the rivals to lovers dynamic, no matter what ppl say. But I get the shipping, bc 1stly these two are playing too huge of a role in each other’s lives, 2ndly Midoriya is obsessed with him and Bakugou obsessed with him too (just in a bad way lmao) and 3rd ppl want that “enemies to lovers” dynamic, since many love it (me included, when it done right and progresses right), so they’re trying to write that “to lovers” bridge, that just doesn’t fit here in my opinion, simply bc Bakugou won’t be soft with Midoriya, like ever in a way, you’d want, and I don’t think it’s possible for them to go there.

Tododeku on the other hand, 1stly they also play too huge of a role in each other’s lives, 2ndly Midoriya is obsessed with him too and Todoroki is lovingly obsessed with him in return, 3rdly they are also rivals to lovers, and I have no problem imagining the second part, it won’t be OOC, 4thly Midoriya when he’s with Todoroki is my fav Midoriya, he’s happy, he is cocooned and he’s badass af (and like when he told Endeavor to fuck off or yelled at Todoroki “the fuck are u doing?” xD are still the best), 5thly Midoriya forgets about Bakugou, when he’s with Todoroki a lot and it’s just funny to me, 6thly they healed each other so nicely, I can’t not be into that, 7thly when they’re together I have like 0 worries, idk I’m like “he will catch him” anyways haha, Bakudeku just don’t give me this vibe. It’s like yeah, they won’t let each other die, but it’s always this chaos of “out of my way”, “I don’t want your help” and “let me punch you before I punch the villain” that I’m just “oh for god’s sake, pls bring in Kirishima and Todoroki so we could just go home, it could’ve been solved in 2 minutes” lmao. Etc, etc.

Tododeku just have too many winning points over bakudeku for me, same with kiribaku over bakudeku, even tho I 100% get bakudeku as a ship ofc. Also idk whether things would be different if Todoroki wouldn’t exist in the equation, but the moment I saw that s2 scene where Bakugou started yelling and Todoroki just ignored him and was like “was Midoriya always this good?”, there was no going back to me XD. Like they both obviously see that Midoriya is wonderful, but only one reacted to that in a way that I wanted. And I’m a sucker for the ships who don’t give a fuck and like “yeah, I find him amazing and everyone should know that”. Todoroki is also one of those guys, who if you give them the much needed love, they’ll return it tenfold with a forever devotion. And all of my fav ships are like that: Yullen, Rinharu, Mikayuu, Wangxian, Akakuro, etc. They’re like “well, I ain’t an idiot to let someone this precious go”, you know lol

On the other hand, when it comes to Kirishima, Bakugou can do all kind of ridiculous thing I wouldn’t imagine he would do to keep him or make him happy, you know. Kirishima is also the only one, who can put his arm around Bakugou without it being cut off, so I don’t make the rules here lol.

So it’s not like I can’t stand bakudeku, more of like can’t imagine this work, to me it’s easier to imagine todobaku in a relationships, but not bakudeku lolz.

But when it comes to makoharu, I just have a huge problem with it and I will never get it. Bc they don’t bring anything good in each other like AT ALL, I don’t even understand what kind of relationships this is from their shipper point of view; they give each other nothing, and one of them is totally in love with someone else and wants a future with him. And that someone also head over heals with him and also wants a future with him. And I hate how 99,9 % of mh fans don’t give a fuck about Haru or Rin whatsoever and just ignore their character’s everything. Bc Makoto. I’m also like if you love him so much, the fuck would you want him to be with Haru anyways, dude doesn’t reciprocate, like at all. I’m at confusion, like name good points of this ship and what good can they do for each other characteristically. There is none, it’s like a damn swamp. Like usually I can give my notp some points, but this is like... they’re both no good for each other... like... why would anyone even want this idk. Don’t tell me “for the childhood friends” one-sided dynamic, like why won’t you also ship Shion with Safu then, like even he seemed more invested in that, than Haru in makoharu lol.

Even if you think of them from the point of view of “the two who are always walking together” ships, that are everywhere nowdays (even tho since Haru moved to Tokyo, he was always with Asahi instead), but even if... those kind of ships are usually at least make each happy and are enough for each other. Haru on the other hand, when he doesn’t have Rin, he is walking with Makoto like a ghost, not even caring if he’s talking next to him AND he’s getting ennoyed by him. Like explain, how someone’s shipping them romantically. It’s been showed like 20 times, that with Rin, but without Makoto, he can be perfectly happy, without Rin tho, he never is.

Also someone explain, what exactly is the point of splitting up two characters, who are happy together, make each other the best versions of themselves and want to be together whole-heartedly? Like I know many start shipping smth, bc the relationships are better in the other pairing, for example, but this is like... definitely not the case here. Like what exactly is missing in rinharu, that makoharu has? Lack of progression and mutual inspiration?

So yes, if you’re into rinharu, totally finish Free! They’re like doing sooo incredible and holy shit they’re inspiring, I mean, look, they’re now the tokyo olympics ambassadors, like how many of yall gay ships reached that? you can’t miss out on them, and also they’re so hilariously romantic, they literally made a wish to swim with each other since they were 13 and did everything to get each other there, I’m.. you’re lying, if you didn’t cry watching them as chibies making wishes on a star and watching them now. One of the most wonderful development in my opinion. Like who would’ve thought back in s1, that we’ll get Haru yelling on top of Rin about how he made him want a future with him, def not me lmao and now all the olympics boyfriends fanfiction are true, I mean, idk what to say anymore. I miss them so much, I can’t wait for the movie :D

[sineshion]

Nezumi Character Analysis

UH OH SISTERS! Here I am to write an essay on Nezumi and his relationship and actions towards Shion that no one asked for, but I’m doing it anyway.

SPOILERS FOR THE NO.6 NOVEL

Let me start by saying that Nezumi is a really well fleshed out character, and that a lot of his actions and dialogue have more depth than initially comes across. Nezumi starts off as a character who is very closed off, both emotionally and physically. Gradually over the course of the novel, he becomes more and more open, until we reach the climax of his character while in the Correctional Facility. During Shion and his first meeting, he tells Shion that he doesn’t neccessarily care about Shion’s fate, but that he doesn’t want to feel responsible if something bad were to happen to Shion.

“Do you really? I mean, it’s not my problem what happens to you, but if you end up being wiped out because of me, I wouldn’t like that. I’d feel like I did something horrible...”

I find this dialogue to be very telling and foreshadowing, as comparing Nezumi’s mindset from the beginning of the novel and end of the novel shows just how much Shion is able to change him. Though Nezumi might not say it directly, he is just as drawn to Shion as Shion is to him. We come to learn that he keeps secretive watch over Shion for the four years they are apart, in a silent way of protecting him. We could shrug this off as Nezumi simply “repaying a debt”, as he says again and again, but it is far more than that. Shion offers kindness and compassion to Nezumi during their first meeting, which we come to learn is the first real act of kindness he has received in years. Shion shows love toward Nezumi when he arguably needs it most, and though Nezumi might not want to admit it, he is showing love right back by silently watching over Shion, and rescuing him. From the moment they met, Nezumi has become captured by Shion, much like how Shion says he has become captured by Nezumi.

Throughout the novel, Nezumi goes from showing acts of kindness toward Shion, to then showing hostility. Shion is never afraid of Nezumi’s random spouts of violence, in his what I can only assume to be futile attempts to reject vulnerability. Nezumi projects all of his hatred for No.6 and it’s violence against him onto Shion, which he later comes to realize is wrong, and abusive of him.

“This casual act of kindness, or those cold, dispassionate words from a few minutes ago - which one was he to believe? Shion couldn’t grasp him.”

Nezumi tells Shion to throw away his memories, his feelings, and ties to everyone and everything he knows. He continuously acts cold and hostile toward Shion without provocation, which we learn is the result of the way Gran, an old woman who raised him, warped his mind into being. Nezumi has a very unstable and warped mindset on love, and what it would do to him. He has been raised since the age of 4 to fear it like nothing else, which I find so heartbreaking. It is no wonder Nezumi constantly reacts the way he does both to being touched by Shion, as well as kissed, or just generally loved. Gran tells Nezumi from the age of 4 to view any person who loves him as a literal demon who will kill him, thus creating the mental struggle within himself as he tries and fails to keep from reciprocating those feelings.

“Never sigh in earnest. Never cry. You’ll be taken advantage of by demons. Sighing creates an opening, a vulnerability. If you want to stay alive, keep your mouth shut. Never let anyone see your weak spot. Let your heart warm to no one. Never trust anyone but yourself.”

We are told that Nezumi went against Gran’s instruction simply by rescuing Shion. I suspect that a small part of Nezumi wanted to do this (go against Gran’s orders), though he reprimands himself multiple times for his actions. It isn’t that Nezumi is completely helpless from falling in love with Shion, it’s that he actually wants to be loved by the boy, even if only deep down. More and more, he begins to simply sit around and watch Shion, thinking about how beautiful Shion is, how nice it would be to touch him and how much he wants to have physical contact with him, playing with his hair. He begins to lose his sense of control over himself, leaving the door to his home unlocked without even realizing it, sighing over Shion, and risking his own safety to send messages to Shion’s mother unprompted. When he learns of Safu’s abduction, instead of telling Shion, he begins to think of how if Shion found out, it would result in his death. He compares the loss to the loss of his own family, and of the suffering he would feel if that were to occur. Nezumi has already begun to grow attached. He was attached from the very moment Shion and he met.

“He would be experiencing the same suffering again, of being broiled alive in Hellfire.” “I don’t want to lose him. I would suffer.”

This admission is paralleled to Safu’s in a prior scene, where she admits to Karan, Shion’s mother, that she is in love with Shion. She says: “I don’t want to regret anything. If - if by some chance, he ends up never coming back... I’m going to be the one to suffer for my whole life. I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose him.” Nezumi is falling in love with Shion, whether he realizes it at this moment or not is besides the point. He does not want to lose Shion. He does not want to return to a life of seclusion and loneliness, a life without love. He would and will do anything to keep from losing it. Both Safu and Nezumi are in love with Shion, but I would argue that the difference between them, other than obvious ones, as that Nezumi comes to see Shion exactly for who he is, the love he feels for Shion not blinding himself, but illuminating the entire world, whereas Safu does not. Safu continuously compares herself to the person Shion is yearning for, asking why she cannot be them, why she cannot be the one to get to know everything about Shion.

Despite Nezumi’s efforts to hide the truth of Safu’s capture from Shion, this falls through, and he is warned by Inukashi: “If he’s so precious to you that you don’t want to loose him, protect him to the very end. And do whatever it takes to protect him, you idiot, no matter how humiliating it is.” Nezumi wants to protect Shion, and would and later does do anything to keep him by his side, this dialogue from Inukashi foreshadowing Nezumi’s vulnerability and the swallowing of his own pride as he lays everything he is bare before Shion’ feet.

Later, Shion, after finding out that Safu is in danger, confesses all of his feelings to Nezumi, in what he assumes will be the last time they see one another. He kisses Nezumi goodbye, and sneaks out. Nezumi follows after him, and lashes out in a very violent way, and after, saying: “Listen, you’re not allowed to give me a goodbye kiss ever again! Never, ever again!” He tells Shion that this beating is punishment for lying to him, and trying to sneak away, aka trying to die without him. Soon, Shion will turn Nezumi’s warped way of thinking against him in the Correctional Facility, where he will use Nezumi’s reasoning and justification for violence by claiming the two men he attempts to kill are deserving of it, because they have tried to harm Nezumi.

Gradually, more and more, we see Nezumi not only reciprocating moments of intimacy, but initiating them with Shion: “A hand suddenly reached over to him. It was Nezumi’s. It gently pried Shion’s fist open, finger by finger, gently, as if toying with it.” Nezumi still has moments of random bursts of aggression, both in an attempt to continue to keep Shion at bay, to keep from falling more in love, and to prevent Shion from aiding the city or its people in any manner. While Shion admits a love confession, saying: “I’m probably more afraid to lose you than anything - anybody else.” This sparks a fear in Nezumi, at the reality that not only is Shion attached to him, but that he is just as attached to Shion. He’s completely aware at this point of his own feelings. He thinks: “Am I the one who hasn’t known anything all along?” while questioning his past actions, and whether or not he has been seeing Shion in a positive light or not. Nezumi has started to become more self aware through his relationship with Shion, and more in touch with his own emotions.

Once entering the Correctional Facility, Nezumi warns Shion not to lose himself. He promises Shion that they will come back from this together. He isn’t saying this only to Shion, but more so to himself. Nezumi has been captured by the light that he sees in Shion, and though Shion is the one to think that Nezumi keeps him human, it’s quite the other way around. Shion attempts to kill two men, both times Nezumi reprimands him, telling him: “Never put your hands around someone’s throat again!” and “Shion! Shion! Stop - stop, please - Shion, I’m begging you.” and “I want you to stay as you are, Shion.” Shion keeps Nezumi human. Shion is a beacon of light shining down on Nezumi, exposing his own humanity. Time and time again, it is clear that Shion’s humanity and compassion save Nezumi from doom. While Nezumi develops to see the light of humanity and within his own soul through loving Shion, Shion develops to see the darkness in humanity and within his own soul by loving Nezumi. They quite make the perfect narrative foil to one another, developing in an almost polar opposite way. Nezumi ultimately becomes more like Shion, Shion becomes more like Nezumi.

We learn of Nezumi’s past, and of his suffering, in a scene where he allows himself complete vulnerability to Shion, showing him the burn on his back and revealing to us and to Shion how his family and culture were ruthlessly burned to the ground right before his eyes. Shion begins to cry at learning the truth, begins to blame himself for his own ignorance and for Nezumi’s suffering. Nezumi confesses: “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. I didn’t mean to accuse you of any crime. I - can’t even imagine wanting to hurt you. I’m sorry.” “Don’t you cry. You were just a tiny kid. You’re not to blame for anything.” He’s starting to drastically change his mindset and perspective which will ultimately lead to him choosing to believe in Shion, to have faith in Shion, trusting that the both of them truly see one another at this point for who they are. Trusting Shion to remain human, and build a better world.

As they begin their infiltration, Shion begins to grow more and more cold and uncaring of human life. As Nezumi kills guards, Shion says that it simply can’t be helped - it’s kill or be killed. This moment is clear in highlighting not only how Nezumi has changed Shion, but how Shion has changed Nezumi. Nezumi is displeased to hear this reasoning from Shion, which is not something he would have thought at the beginning of the novel. Shion is uncaring, which is not something he would feel were this the beginning of the novel. They have both a positive and negative impact on one another, and alwyas seem to take it to the extreme, though it isn’t neccessarily strange given the circumstances and situation at hand. Nezumi begins to see the direct affect his own actions have had on Shion, and how they have begun to warp his mind, much like Gran warped Nezumi’s own perspective on love. He thinks sadly: “Forgive me, Gran. I’ve gone against what you’ve told me. I’ve sighed many times for another. I believed him, and opened my heart to him. I placed the shackles around my own feet. But I couldn’t have done otherwise. I couldn’t cut him away.” Nezumi loves Shion. No matter what he tries, he cannot escape the love he feels for him. He couldn’t do otherwise, because he doesn’t truly WANT to. He wants to love Shion, admitting this to himself now. The seeds have already been planted at this point for Nezumi to begin feeling his own guilt and remorse at trying to change Shion’s personality, and coming to the horrifying realization that it worked. Nezumi didn’t want to harm Shion, or hurt him. He truly and foolishly believed he was doing what was right, what was taught to him. He feels so much remorse at the point that when he is almost killed by Rashi, he entirely gives up the fight. He allows himself a moment of genuine intimacy with Shion, let’s Shion hold him, as he prepares to die with him. Does this sound like something Nezumi would do? A character who preaches survival, is now willing to die with the person he has fallen in love with. He is not afraid, nor angry, nor sad - he simply accepts it. I find this moment to be very telling of Nezumi’s character.

When Shion shoots Rashi, Nezumi, who is already terribly wounded, tries repeatedly to stand up and stop him from finishing Rashi off. It is shocking not just to us, but to him, to see how Shion has changed. He screams for Shion to stop in vain as Shion commits murder on his behalf.

“He didn’t want to open his eyes. If he did, he would have to face reality.”

Despite trying to repress this, he tries to keep Shion grounded, as Shion has already been shown time and time again to be unstable and suicidal. Shion attempts to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head, asking Nezumi over and over if Nezumi and perhaps even God can forgive him for the murder he has committed. Nezumi thinks that it would have been better had they never infiltrated it at all, had he known it would destroy Shion’s mental state so completely. Nezumi, a character hellbent on destroying the government, is now thinking that Shion’s mental health is worth more to him than destroying the city. He thinks, as he starts to have his own mental breakdown, that he is the one who needs to be forgiven, not Shion. He begins to cry uncontrollably, as he mentally begs for Shion’s forgiveness.

“Shion, I’m sorry. I made you bear the burden, one so big it’s making your spine creak. Would I be forgiven one day? Would you forgive me for what I did to you?”

Nezumi is unable to bear the thought that he is the direct cause of Shion’s attempt at suicide. He is forced to confront at this moment his own abusive actions, and all of the brutality he has thrust upon Shion up to this point. He is begging, literally on his knees, to be forgiven. To be forgiven for all of his mistakes, all of his anger, all of his pain and hurt that he has projected onto Shion. Begging for forgiveness at meeting Shion - at coming unexpectedly into his life and, in Nezumi’s eyes, ruining everything Shion is. Nezumi believes he is to blame for everything, and the weight of the guilt he feels is indescribable.

By the time they get to Safu, Nezumi outright refuses to let Shion do anything, going so far as to drag him by force to the elevator, knowing it is too late to rescue Safu. Shion, through his grief, blames Nezumi for what happens to Safu, claiming he used her and used him to destroy No.6. Nezumi plays his part well, and pretends that this is the truth, saying he never believed Safu was alive, which is a lie. He says he deceived Shion, and used him and sacrificed his mind for the destruction of the government, which is also not the whole truth. Nezumi thinks: “Really? Can you really not understand? You’re a liar, Shion. You do get it. You understand every single word. And you’ll never forgive me. You’ll lose faith in me and loathe me. Or would you-“

Nezumi WANTS Shion to love him, and also hate him at the same time. He wants Shion to take his anger out on him. He wants to self sabotage their relationship, and MAKE Shion hate him, by playing a false role, by pretending to be someone he is not. Even when Nezumi tries to shoulder blame that is not his, his true self shines through under the facaude. Nezumi, a character who used to preach that he would only ever fight for himself, now takes a bullet for Shion, trying to sacrifice himself for him. Going directly against everything he has ever believed in.

By the end of the novel, Nezumi, having come back from the brink of Death, and having gone against all of his previous rules, confesses to Shion that Shion scares him. He is terrified of Shion, or more specifically, of Shion’s love, because it is mutual. Nezumi is in love with him. Nezumi’s love for Shion is in fact so strong, that Nezumi was willing and ready to die with and for Shion multiple times during the Correctional Facility, and many times prior, as well. He’s scared of the way loving someone makes him feel. He’s scared of how it almost got him killed many times, and it would have, had Shion not saved him. He leaves not because of Shion, but because of himself. Nezumi does not understand how to express his love in a proper and healthy way - it’s completely foreign to him. The boy is so traumatized that he’s spent the entire novel both half afraid of and half crazing and actively seeking love. I find it strange when people ask or think that there’s a possibility Nezumi doesn’t love Shion, when his actions so clearly say otherwise. I suspect Nezumi feels unworthy of Shion loving him as well, considering his tendency to self sabotage. I think that Nezumi is very self aware, and by the end of the novel, very in touch with his own emotions. He understands that he must change, and only then can he come back to Shion properly. He understands that who he is currently is not suited for a relationship, and so he makes the maturest call he has in the entire story, by leaving. He kisses Shion, promising to come back once he is ready, reassuring not only us but Shion that he really truly does love him.

Shion had thought that Nezumi was the one who illuminated him completely. That everything became much clearer with him by his side. That “by his hands, I was melted, wrought anew, and instilled with new life.” I find this line to be most applicable to Nezumi, as Shion has instilled him with new life, a new perspective, leaving him forever changed by the love shared and experienced. A line from Safu comes to mind as well, “You feel the same way I do, don’t you? You’re glad you were able to know. You wouldn’t be able to live anymore without knowing what yearning and love is like.”

[no6secretsanta]

warming up

for: @flat-san

from: @iwatch-theworld

Happy holidays! Here is a sort of modern-ish AU fic that I hope qualifies as “super schmoopy fluff” :) Getting to write Safu and Inukashi was a delight, as well as writing their group dynamic with Shion and Nezumi, lol. I hope you enjoy, and have a wonderful holiday season & rest of the year! <3

***

            “How lame,” Safu sighs.

            “Seriously,” Inukashi agrees. “That’s probably the worst I’ve ever seen.”

            “Like a grade schooler made it.”

            “My dogs could do better.”

            Nezumi narrows his eyes at the two idly making prodding remarks and leaning casually against the wall of Karan’s bakery. Safu is wrapped up in her baby pink scarf, arms crossed, snug and cozy, and Inukashi is wearing a black jacket so long it reaches their knees, their hair loose and messy. “All your dogs can do is turn the pure white snow into a putrid yellow,” he retorts. “This is nearly perfect.”

            “Perfect, he says,” Inukashi scoffs.

            “The head. It’s off 4.1 centimeters on the left,” Safu points out.

            “Are you serious?” Nezumi laughs, disbelieving. “You can tell just by looking?”

            Safu furrows her brow. “Of course.”

             “Well, if you don’t like it, make one yourself instead of standing there uselessly.”

            “You’re the one who said you could do it. We’re testing your skills.” Inukashi smirks.

            “Shion and I are already experts,” Safu retorts, not looking at him, examining her fingernails. “It would be unfair.”

            “Is that so? One of the boy genius’s many talents is that he’s a master in snowman-making?” Nezumi retorts.

            “Don’t turn your anger on me, Nezumi,” Shion says, squatting, examining Nezumi’s ever-so-slightly lopsided snowman. “There’s no shame in not being good at something you’ve never done before.”

            “Hey, wait, who said it’s not good? And why would I be ashamed of something so—”

            “There you go.” Shion grabs a handful of snow, smooths it into the side of its head. “I bet that feels better, Mr. Snowman. We’ll get you some arms and eyes soon, too.”

            “This is ridiculous,” Nezumi mutters.

            “Don’t be a sore loser,” Inukashi jabs.

            “Shion, that’s not fair. He was supposed to do it himself,” Safu says, lifting herself off of the wall and walking over to where Shion and Nezumi are. Inukashi follows closely behind.

            “He made most of it. Besides, wouldn’t you feel bad for the snowman if we just left him like that?”

            Safu eyes Shion for a second, hesitates before saying, “I suppose so.”

            “Well, there you go. It’s done,” Nezumi says, shrugging his shoulders. “We’re finished here. I’m leaving now.” Without waiting for a response, he turns his heel to start heading away.

            But Shion reaches out, places a hand on his shoulder. Nezumi freezes. “Wait. I just said he still needs a face. You can’t quit partway through.”

            Nezumi almost sighs, catches himself, says, “And where are we getting its face?”

            “My mom has some raisins she said we could use. I’ll be right back.” Shion removes his hand from Nezumi’s shoulder, and Nezumi watches him as he walks back to the bakery. Once inside, Nezumi turns his attention back to the snowman, blank-faced and empty, for a few moments, but feels two sets of eyes boring into him. “Can I help you two?”

            “What a brat,” Inukashi says.

            “Childish. Immature,” Safu agrees flatly.

            “Doesn’t know a damn thing.”

            “You’re the ones who suggested this,” Nezumi shoots back. “Why do you care so much about my snowman crafting abilities? I bet you don’t even know either, Inukashi.”

            Inukashi sticks their tongue out.

            “Simple-minded. Foolish,” Safu continues.

            “Vague. Pointless,” Nezumi retorts.

            Safu sighs. “I never cared for doing this,” she gestures to the snowman, “but Shion loved it when we were little. I don’t know why. Personally, I think snow is much more interesting when you look at individual flakes under a microscope—”

            “Yeah, yeah, you’re a huge geek, we know.”

            Safu continues, unruffled. “And the point you’re not getting is that this is something fun Shion likes. And you’re not taking advantage of it.”

            “Like a big dummy,” Inukashi teases.

            “Enough from the peanut gallery,” Nezumi snaps.

            Tongue again.

            “Inukashi’s right,” Safu asserts. “At least act like you’re having fun. Instead of being a… a boring…moody—sort of—”

            “Dummy!” Inukashi helps.

            “Dummy,” Safu agrees.

            Nezumi sighs for real this time. Dealing with Shion is one thing, an ordeal in itself, a not depleting but still relatively significant toll on his energy reserves. Inukashi used to be a small annoyance, like a buzzing fly, miniscule and easily swatted away, not too difficult to handle, but ever since their group expanded and they became friends with Safu, the two had become a tiring pair to deal with.

            But while Inukashi was a brat, like a kid sibling, Safu was someone more on equal footing he could exchange quips with, and he respected her insight.

            Most of the time. Like when she’s not calling him a boring, moody dummy.

            “And what? You two are trying to create some sort of romantic atmosphere with snowman building and insults? It’s working wonders so far. As you can see.”

            “It would be easier if you had a better attitude,” Safu says.

            “And it would be easier for me if you weren’t here.”

            “We’re just helping you get it off the ground,” Inukashi says.

            “A sort of friend-hangout-turned-romantic-date thing,” Safu adds.

            “Didn’t ask for your help,” Nezumi says.

            “You need it, though,” Safu counters.

            “You—”

            The bell above the door of Karan’s bakery jingles, and Shion returns, a small basket in hand. “Sorry I was gone so long,” he says. “Mom actually didn’t have any spare raisins—raisin bread has been popular lately, for some reason. But we found some dried apricots instead.”

            “…Great,” Nezumi says, completely unable to care about the dried fruit.

            “I’m glad you found something, Shion.” Safu smiles, any trace of harshness from the previous conversation vanished from her expression, replaced only with the gentle warmness she always has around Shion. “We’ll leave the finishing touches to you boys, then. Inukashi and I have other plans.”

            “Plans? You two?” Nezumi queries.

            “She’s gonna help me identify all the dog breeds I have,” Inukashi says, grinning, obviously excited. “Don’t know ‘em myself. Just know which ones are the fluffiest, best blankets, which are siblings, stuff like that. Don’t know anything about breeds.”

            “Didn’t know you were a dog person,” Nezumi says to Safu.

            “I’m not partial to any particular animal. But Shion’s interested in ecology, and I’ve helped him study sometimes. I know all the different kinds of both domestic and wild dogs and cats, a variety of fish, rodents, trees, fungi, and more.”

            “It’s true,” Shion says. “But she’s lying about not being partial to particular animals. Safu loves cats.”

            Nezumi’s not sure why, but Safu almost immediately blushes, as if embarrassed by her fondness of cats. “Well, anyway, we should be going. See you later.” She grabs Inukashi’s hand and starts powerwalking away. Inukashi sticks their tongue out at Nezumi one last time as they’re pulled along.

            Nezumi makes no reaction, just turns back around to face Shion, and as soon as he does Shion grabs his wrist, his fingers ice-cold, and puts a piece of dried fruit in his palm.

            “We’ll start with his eyes,” Shion says. “And try to make it as symmetric as possible. For Safu.”

            Like she really cares, Nezumi thinks, but instead he says, “Hey, maybe you should be wearing some gloves. Your hands are freezing.”

            “Oh. I hadn’t noticed.”

            “Hadn’t noticed? Jeez, what an airhead you are. Would you not notice yourself freezing to death unless I said so?”

            “Of course not. I was just…caught up in the moment.”

            “Don’t be so ‘caught up in the moment’ you get frostbite.”

            “We’re almost done. I’ll be fine.”

            Nezumi clicks his tongue. “Stubborn, this one.”

            “You seem like you’re in a worse mood than usual today,” Shion notes.

            Suddenly, without prompting, Safu’s voice enters Nezumi’s head then: Dummy. It would be easier if you had a better attitude.

“Who has fun out in the freezing cold like this?” Nezumi defends, jamming the apricot Shion gave him into the right side of the snowman’s face.

            Shion places the left eye on. Then starts putting the mouth pieces below. “It’s possible. But you have a point.”

            As Shion places the apricots on one by one, Nezumi can’t stop staring at his hands. As Shion places the last one, Nezumi reaches out, on impulse, automatically and without thinking, to grab Shion’s still-frozen hand.

            “Let’s go somewhere warmer,” he says, tightening his grip on Shion’s hand, “before the both of us start freezing to death.”

            Shion holds his gaze a moment before saying, “You really hate the cold, huh.”

            “Of course I hate the—” Nezumi starts. Almost sighs, doesn’t. “We finished the snowman, didn’t we? Let’s go somewhere else now.”

            Shion snaps a picture of the snowman on his phone with his free hand. For Safu, Nezumi thinks, finding it amusing that Shion was misinterpreting Safu’s interest in the snowman for interest in the thing itself, and not her interest in Shion. Though of course he thought that way. It was Shion.

            “If you’re cold, I know a place we can go that’s really warm,” Shion says, reciprocating Nezumi’s hand squeeze.

            Nezumi’s first instinct is to argue, to be the one to take the lead, choose the place, but he remembers his earlier sharp remarks, remembers Safu’s voice in his head, and he decides Shion can at least choose the place, and Nezumi could figure out what to do there, as long as they were out of the damp snow and frigid air.

            So he says, “Alright,” and Shion starts leading him away from the snowman, their hands still linked, slightly warmer than before.

***

            “And this one is a Golden Retriever—obviously, ‘cause its fur is gold—and this one is one of our warmest, a Bernese mountain dog, bred and raised in the Bernese mountains themselves—”

            Inukashi is going on and on about all their different dogs, proud, smug, Safu grinning, amused, by their side, Nezumi and Shion standing in their doorway, a crowd of dogs surrounding them, eager to greet the new guests. Shion is kneeling on the floor to pet some of the smaller puppies. Safu sits on the stairs with a Pomeranian in her lap. Nezumi is looking off to the side, nonplussed, his hands in his pockets.

            Inukashi is holding some light brown fluffy puppy, saying, “This is some mutt, not even Safu could tell, but she thinks it’s some kind of lab mix—”

            “Shion, we really had to come here? We just escaped them,” Nezumi says in a low tone.

            “There’s no place warmer than Inukashi’s,” Shion says, as one of the dogs Inukashi recently identified as a Chow Chow licks his face.

            “And this one—”

            “We’re just here to warm up,” Nezumi interrupts. “So if you would kindly show us your warmest, furriest pooch, that’d be great.”

            Inukashi, still excited over their newfound knowledge, ignores Nezumi’s rudeness and says, “That would be this ol’ boy,” patting a large, white and very fluffy dog. “He’s a Great Pyr—Great Pire?—Great—”

            “Pyrenees,” Safu helps.

            “Great Pyrenees!”

            “We’ll take him,” Nezumi says.

            “Then take him and go. You’re the one who interrupted us. Me and Princess Science were having a perfectly good time without you, you know.”

            Nezumi sees Safu blush slightly at the nickname, and he can’t help but be amused. For all her haughtiness and brainy-ness, there were times where she was strikingly girlish, and the book-smart rich kid melted away to reveal the normal teenage girl she was underneath. Shion was like that sometimes, too, rattling off complicated theories one second, caught up in something small and human the next.

            Safu catches him looking at her, and her expression changes from sheepish to annoyed. She looks like she wants to say, What are you doing here, anyway?

            Nezumi smirks, ignores Inukashi, turns back to Shion. “Shion, do you hear any yapping from a tiny, unruly pup?”

            Shion looks up, distracted, from the growing crowd of puppies at his feet. “What? No, all the puppies here are so well-behaved. I’m impressed!”

            Nezumi facepalms. Inukashi laughs.

            The Great Pyrenees, now in front of Nezumi, gives a low, soft, “Boof!”

            “The old man’s waiting on ya,” Inukashi says.

Without hesitation, Nezumi nods to the stairs, says, “Let’s go.”

            The old dog slowly leads them up the stairs, into the guest bedroom, used to the routine. He stops, looks back at them, and once they’ve entered the room, plops itself not on the soft mattress of the guest bed or the plump love seat in the corner, but on the floor.

            “Cheapskate.” Nezumi clicks his tongue. “Only one dog for two people, and it wants us to sit on the floor.”

            “Don’t complain. It’s better than being outside in the cold still, right?” Shion sits up against the wall on the floor by the dog, and the dog moves over to Shion and licks his hand, his face, then promptly sits on him. Then looks expectantly at Nezumi.

            Nezumi, still feeling stubborn, doesn’t want to sit on the floor, but quickly it dawns on him that they’re finally alone (not counting the dog), and even if the pup and Safu are in the same place, they’re downstairs  and away from them, and this is probably the closest they’re getting to alone time today.

            “Alright, old man, you don’t have to give me those puppy eyes.” Nezumi sits down next to Shion, and the dog adjusts itself so it’s now spread out on both of them, a cloud of cotton puff. Nezumi and Shion are shoulder to shoulder, Shion’s arm moving up against Nezumi’s as he pets the dog.

            “Petting dogs is relaxing. If you pet him, maybe it’ll help your bad mood. It’s scientifically proven.”

            “I’m so sure.”

            “It is.”

            “I’m not in a bad mood today,” Nezumi asserts. “This is my normal self.”

            “You’re usually grumpy, that’s true. But today you seem even grumpier.”

            “It’s that damn Inukashi’s fault. And Safu’s. Their stupid snowman trial.”

            “Like I said earlier, there’s nothing to be ashamed of—”

            “I’m not ashamed.” Nezumi sighs. Why was he in such a bad mood today? It was Inukashi and Safu’s antics, and layered beyond that, all the previous prodding from Safu about Shion, that Nezumi should be doing something more for him. Something like what? Something to meet her standards, her romantic ideal for Shion? What did she know, anyway? He thought she would give up once he and Shion got together, but ever the perfectionist, she seemed bent on making sure Shion was happy in the way she wanted. As if she could tell him what to do? Screw that. She can take her controlling, pretentious ideas and shove them—

            Suddenly, Nezumi felt something warm on his hand. It was Shion, taking his hand and bringing it to the dog’s fur. “Then relax. Pet a dog. We might as well enjoy it while we’re here.”

            Their hands joined again, Nezumi is brought back to the moment, here at Inukashi’s, under their dog, because Shion brought them here. Swept away from one thing to another, first in Safu and Inukashi’s plans, then Shion’s. So much for him taking the lead. His hand between the smoothness of Shion’s skin and the softness of the dog’s fur, he notices Shion’s hand is much warmer now, and relenting a bit, he’s glad they came here. After all, he wanted Shion warm, wanted them alone, and here they were, ready for Nezumi to finally do as he wished.

            So Nezumi slides his hand out from under Shion’s, gently lifts Shion’s fingertips with his own, kisses Shion’s knuckles. “As you wish.”

            Shion’s ears redden. The dog on top of them yawns, stretches, nods off to sleep. Silence lingers a few moments, and Nezumi begins to retract his hand, but Shion quickly grabs tight onto his fingers. Without words, they’re holding hands again, wrists resting on the dogs back, moving slightly with the dog’s steady breathing.

            Shion leans into Nezumi. Nezumi places a subtle, quick kiss onto Shion’s forehead. Then he says, “Next time, however, I want to be alone. Completely. Not even in the same house with someone else.”

            “No argument. But when we are with the others, try to at least be civil.”

            “No promises.”

            “Nezumi—”

            “Okay, okay. I’ll try. But only if they do.”

            Shion sighs. Rubs his thumb along Nezumi’s hand. Nezumi tenses slightly at the gentle motion, then lets himself relax. An innocuous gesture. An innocuous desire for civility. So simple, so silly, so breakable, vulnerable, fragile. Safu is in Nezumi’s head again, telling him to do more for Shion, telling him to have a better attitude. In this quietude, this warmth, with Shion idly resting beside him, his guard loosens, and he starts to think: she’s right.

            Not that Nezumi’s done anything wrong, exactly. But maybe Safu has a point.

            Because when Shion’s desires are simple, to make a snowman, for peace among loved ones, to relax and be together, maybe Nezumi can try to comply a little easier, without fighting everything first, without trying to escape.

            Muffled, he hears Inukashi’s raucous laughter downstairs, Safu’s Hey! followed by a few dogs barking excitedly. Here, in the guest room, tucked away from it all, shoulder to shoulder with Shion, Nezumi finally gives in.

            “Man, I’m beat,” he says. “This pooch really is warm. I could take a nap.”

            “You never take naps.”

            “True. But I wouldn’t mind staying here, until this guy wakes up.” Nezumi pauses. “Or…for as long as you want.”

            He waits for a response. Gets none. He looks to Shion, wondering if he’s said something strange—at the very least, he’s said something uncharacteristic.

            But Shion is asleep now, breathing steadily in time with the dog. Nezumi sighs.

            Oh well. Screw it, he thinks. Giving in, he closes his eyes, too, rests his head against Shion’s, letting himself relax into the warmth of the two sleeping bodies. Oh well…

[iwatch-theworld]

The Shion and Nezumi Relationship Barometer & the reasoning behind Shion’s death in the anime

In other words, two concepts discussed at length within the audio commentaries that were too long to cap and that I also don’t care for or understand much.

But since they’re behind-the-scenes anime info still, I thought I’d transcribe them for anyone interested in reading. I’m doing what I’ve done for most of the other commentary posts and not including speaker IDs, because the people talking about this are largely the anime staff and I have some trouble telling their voices apart, but I will include paragraph breaks for change of speaker. I’m also gonna (briefly) write some of my own thoughts on these concepts, too.

So, first up is the “power balance,” or the Shion and Nezumi Relationship Barometer, discussed first in episode 6, which features Yuki Kaji, Yoshimasa Hosoya, Bones producer Yonai and Aniplex producer Kurosu.

“Apparently the relationship between Sion and Rat has something like a power balance. The scales slowly begin to swap places. Since episode 6 is right in the middle of the series, I would like to introduce Sion and Rat’s Relationship Barometer. Supposedly you actually used that. I’ve heard that it existed since before there was ever an episode one.”

“When we were plotting the course of the whole series, we already had summaries written up, but off to the side we would weigh Sion and Rat’s relationship. Like, who was on top? Which one was getting pulled along? What episode should the balance on the scales begin to shift? When should they stand as equals? It has stuff like that. And the director had his own views as well. But we really wanted to focus on the drama between Sion and Rat. So we thought that showing the state of their relationship was directly related to the enjoyment of the show.”

“No matter how you look at it, Rat starts higher on the scales. But part way through the show, Sion says he wants to stand as his equal. Isn’t it around episode 6 when they start to level out?”

“That’s right. The flow between episodes 5, 6, and 7 shows their dramatically changing power balance.”

“So it’s not a true reversal of roles, is it?”

“When first introduced, he was like the perfect guy. So he was supposed to seem perfect?”

“Sion tried to grow and grow and grow because he had Rat. Because he wanted to be equals.”

They mention the “power balance” a few more times from this point on in other episodes, but it’s mostly in reference to certain scenes and how it’s changed, or in episode 9 they mention that the music changes a bit halfway through the show to reflect the changing power balance.

I think part of what irritates me about this is I’m just not understanding what their definition of “power balance” is (fwiw, they say it in English, but I’m not 100% sure what kind of connotation these words have to a Japanese speaker). To me, “power” inherently implies dominance & control, as well as inferiority/superiority. If that’s the case, I find it strange they interpret their relationship as such (and a strange way to view a relationship in general, drama aside) and it bothers me that this was apparently a core concept for the staff to focus on (which I could rant about why... but I’m gonna rein it in for now so this doesn’t get too long lol).

However, the way they describe it also feels like they’re simply talking about a kind of narrative balance and how characters function as chess pieces in a story---like that the West Block is something Nezumi is familiar with so he takes the lead there, but Shion is the one who takes charge in the Correctional Facility mostly (for a variety of reasons). If it’s just about who is carrying a certain amount of  weight, then I think it’s true to some extent. If it’s not, though, then I don’t really like it and what it implies.

But moving on.

The second thing is the explanation of why they chose to kill Shion off for like a minute in the anime.This one I dislike because despite the fact that I feel like it should make sense I Just Don’t Get It at all. They also mention the “power balance” for a second, too.

This was discussed during episode 11, with Yuki Kaji, Yoshimasa Hosoya, the director, Kenji Nagasaki, and the character designer, Satoshi Ishino.

“There’s some trivia or a back story about this. At the end of the novel, Sion and Rat... part ways. You could say that summarizes everything. I think episode 11 mostly wanted to express Sion and Rat’s power balance and growth. So that was something you wanted to link the anime and the novels with.”

“Right. Sion chooses to return to No. 6 of his own accord. The novels end with Rat singing and speaking to Elyurias. We didn’t include that conversation. Instead we have Rat sing and save Sion, who had been shot. Likewise, Safu who has been possessed by Elyurias tries to save Sion. Those two saved him, which in turn saved them. Now he has a sense of responsibility to live because of how he’s been looked after. He walks away, bearing the weight of his reason to live. We had to figure out how to make him realize that.”

“Right. If everything went smoothly, even if he got to see Safu -- well, he did see her, even if she’s a bit different now. But his goal was to see Safu. And his goal was to break the wall enclosing No. 6. He got to see Safu, but then they had to part ways. And rather than destroy No. 6′s walls, he destroyed No. 6. After all this, Sion has lost a meaning and a reason to live.”

“In the ending, we had a key concept pop up. Sion seems happy once he’s facing summer. I think those are his true feelings. But you can’t live off those feelings alone. Growing up means doing things even if you don’t want to. You have to accept that. He’s seen all this cruelty, but Sion still walks back to the city. The anime gets to put a strong emphasis on that. We decided to let the anime roll with that concept.”

Again, my irritation at the way they explain this is probably messing with my ability to understand their perspective lol. I think I’m also resistant to their ideas because I prefer the novels’ sequence of events here more. But I suppose the main issue I take with this part is their interpretation of Shion’s character. I think part of what makes Shion interesting is that he seems both practical and blindly optimistic/idealistic, and that makes it seem as if he’s simultaneously foolish and capable of doing what he says he wants to do. I’m not really sure what they’re saying here, but I feel like they’re not reading him as someone with that complexity.

I don’t understand what they’re talking about when they mention him losing his “meaning and reason to live” ... well, okay, that’s a lie, because I do get it in the context of the anime but I don’t like it lol. I know they’re talking more long-term, because Shion tends to go off of what he sees in front of him, tends to have short-term goals. So in the novels, at this point, Shion still has two short-term goals: 1) getting medical help for Nezumi, and 2) stopping the imminent doom about to befall No.6. They make it sound like No.6 is already too far gone at this point (and that I guess Nezumi is like, not dying of blood loss after getting shot thrice, lol). But for a variety of reasons those conflicts don’t occur in the anime, so the next step is What Will Shion Do Now? And it feels like since they didn’t have the 9th novel they shrugged and went “kill him and bring him back for some fake deep reasons, I guess?” (reasons, I might add, that have already been established prior anyway) and that sort of absolved them from having to do anything more constructive than that. idk. Honestly I think them saying they had to “make him realize” rubs me the wrong way, because Shion’s priorities always seem very apparent to me, and they either have to do with Nezumi/his loved ones in general, or helping human life. Safu’s death and No.6 being uprooted don’t make him lose purpose--in fact, they help reinforce it, and in the wake of No.6′s destruction the obvious answer to me of What Will Shion Do Now? is he’d help mend what’s been broken because he cannot abandon anyone in need, no matter what (& not because he feels obligated because he’s been saved, or whatever the heck they’re getting at). So idk. Maybe I’m being too critical, but in the end I just don’t get it, because I feel like we’re seeing two different Shions.

All that being said, if anyone has any comments or interpretations to share on these concepts, I’d be glad to hear them!

[into-september]

Watching NO. 6, episode 5

Episode starts with Safu's grandma to remind us all why Safu has to go back to NO. 6. Did I ever mention how badly it annoys me that she gives Safu one of her knitting needles, but continues carrying around the basket of yarn that she apparently cannot knit because she's somehow knitted an entire wardrobe on a single pair of straight needles.

The point isn't the apt symbolism, the point is "couldn't you have found ONE PERSON who has knitted something more advanced than a scarf and just ask them".

I’m giving the writers the benefit of the doubt that knitting needles don’t carry the same symbolic value in Japan as they do the in the west, here. 

Safu can't humanities, but has allegedly "changed" considerably by her time in NO. 5 (which I'm 80% is meant to be Oceania, going by the Sidney Opera House-y background arcitechture and the summer-while-it's-winter-in-Japan). This “change” in Safu is not apparent from how she acts, nor does it ever come across later in the series. Unless the big change is that she’s learning to appreciate art? I can think of a few reasons why someone raised and brainwashed by a technocracy would adress the topic of god so thoroughly as Safu does in her poem, but fact remains that it makes little sense except as foreshadowing of her part in the Rat-Elyurias story. Which I adore, on all levels, in ALL WAYS, but I'm not buying that NO. 6 has maintained as much as a incence stick's worth of spirituality.

Rat gets emotional when Shion wants to see him at work, like "not showing his eyes only his suddenly angry mouth" emotional, because Shion is "clueless" and the audience are "monsters". I think it was about this point in the novels where it was mentioned that Shion had lived with him for WEEKS before the first time he took him out and nearly let him be killed. Anyway, Rat refusing Shion the theatre is an interesting conflict to Safu learning about poetry and art history. This entire scene started with Shion reading Wilde to the girl with Safu’s grandma’s sweater that she got from Rat, who got it from Shion, who got it from Safu. 

Dogkeeper does not share Rat's hate of NO. 6. This also appears to be Rikiga and Dogkeeper's first meeting, though Rikiga at least knew who Dogkeeper is. While he doesn't flinch at being surrounded by sneering dogs, 1 (one) mouse sure freaks him out. The trio discusses the rumours about the killer bees; Shion shares his history with them, and is suddenly REALLY INSISTENT HE HAS TO TELL RAT ABOUT THE RETURN OF THE BEES RIGHT THE NOW even as Dogkeeper points out that Rat would probably crow in joy.

This is actually a pretty clever cut from Safu's museum to Rat's theatre. When I mentioned that I love the Safu-Elyrias-Rat connection, I meant it A LOT and the cross-cut scene between them here is my favourite part of the entire anime, no lie.

There went the "NO. 5 is Oceania" theory: It's daytime in NO. 5, but night in the NO. 6. Sooooooo.... South Africa? But it's like 85% white, so unless there was some awful return of apartheid, I'm thinking it has more to do with poignant contrasts between Safu and Rat and the worlds in which they live.

Shion is approptiately nervous about seeing Rat outside of their normal banter. "Is this a side of him I'm not supposed to see?" Interesting question for fanfic. Rikiga thinks this hesitation is the "complete opposit of Karan".

Weird flow of time here. Shion and Rikiga are queing to get into the theatre while the manager is shouting for the people to "form a line", all twenty of them. By the time they get in, we're at the beginning of Act III. That was either the slowest moving queue in history, or tonight's show is "The Abridged Hamlet". It might be the second, because by the time Shion and Rikiga have moved from the door to their seats two metres away, Hamlet's solilqui is already over and Ophelia is on.

Safu's stained glass window has got to be in the postmodern section, becaues I refuse to believe anyone ever made an unironic stained glass window with bees on it.

Gotta wonder why Shakespeare connoseurs would be so horrible in the West Block. Anyway, I vastly prefer how this scene goes in the anime to how it went in the manga/novels. Even if we never did get to know how Shion got Rat from the theatre and back to their secret lair.

Anyway, Safu: "I heard some kind of song... and then... Rat. (who's Rat? Shion...)", the implication seems to be that she shared his dream/vision/whatever, given that she knows he's a person and she knows he's connected to Shion, who he calls out to.

Like half of Rat's note sheet wallpaper are arrangements for 3 or more instruments, not piano sheet music. The Dancing Scene is my second favourite moment in this anime. It's super mawkish. I still love it. The scene right after is unexpectedly great: there is a lot of tension built in both the music and the camera angles, and it's great becaues it's SO EMOTIONAL but from two completely different angles: Shion sincerely tells Rat that "nothing scares me more than the thought of losing you". Rat hears nothing of what he’s saying because he's freaking out about how didn't notice Shion reaching out to touch him.

A+ preview: Safu: She's so cold... why is so cold? Dogkeeper: WHEN YOU'RE DEAD YOU STINK.

[shercockadoodledoo]

ballet shoes and ice skates (end)

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, last part

also on ao3

Nezumi woke to an empty bed, but this was not uncommon.

           Whether he slept at Shion’s apartment or Shion came to Tokyo and slept at his, Nezumi usually woke alone. Depending on the hour, he would return to sleep, or get up.

           The clock on Shion’s nightstand said it was just past one in the morning. Nezumi got up.

           He pulled on layers, knowing the late December air in Shion’s hometown was frigid and unforgiving. It had snowed the night before, and Nezumi stumbled as he stuffed his feet into boots, then was grabbing his keys, heading out the door, and locking it behind him.

           The walk to the rink was, at least, mercifully quick when Nezumi was at Shion’s apartment. In Tokyo, Nezumi’s apartment was at least a twenty-minute walk from the closest rink. When the snowstorms began, Nezumi downloaded Uber.

           The rink was open, and Nezumi let himself in, feeling no relief from the nighttime chill as he entered the building. He heard the scrape of Shion’s skates on the ice and the familiar music of Shion’s free skate program. He got to the edge of the rink and stood, watched Shion, knew after only a few seconds of watching that Shion was only a minute into his program.

           Nezumi usually watched. Allowed Shion to skate his program at least twice if he didn’t look too exhausted before coaxing him back off the ice, back to whoever’s apartment they were currently sleeping at.

           They didn’t switch off apartments nightly. It depended largely on Nezumi’s production schedule. If he was in a show that ran late, Shion spent the night in Tokyo. If not, they were at Shion’s. Nezumi had started frequenting Karan’s bakery, and in the previous week, she’d invited him into the kitchen. He liked to knead the dough with his knuckles and the palms of his hands best.

           Tonight was Christmas Eve. Two weeks since the Grand Prix Final. Two weeks of waking up in an empty bed. Two weeks of letting Shion finish his routine before asking that he rest, but Nezumi didn’t want to let Shion finish his routine tonight.

           They’d gone to see Safu at the clinic again the day before. Again, Safu instructed Shion that his minor sprain was in danger of becoming something worse. He needed to stop exerting the leg until it was healed, and Shion had nodded, insisted he understood, promised he would take it easy.

           Nezumi left the edge of the ice. Went to the dressing room, found his own locker, pulled out his own skates, brought them back to the edge of the ice and sat on the bench to exchange his boots for them.

           He was on the ice at Shion’s second-to-last jump. He knew Shion’s path, knew every step Shion would take, and skated to the spot where he knew Shion would meet him.

           Shion was about to start a step-sequence, but could not, with Nezumi in his way. He stopped abruptly, a skid of ice.

           “You scared me,” he breathed, his eyes wide, his cheeks pink.

           “You can’t keep doing this.”

           “I’m not,” Shion said plainly, as if they weren’t both standing on the ice in their skates, as if they were still in bed, as if Nezumi was the one going crazy.

           “It’s the middle of the night.”

           “Then go to bed.”

           Nezumi shook his head, turned away from Shion. “Shit, Shion.”

           “I don’t ask you to come out here. You don’t have to.”

           “How long are you going to do this? How many times do you need to land that goddamn quad axel perfectly for you to forgive yourself?”

           “I just like to skate, that’s all – ”

           “Don’t give me that shit, you can skate any time of the day.” Nezumi looked back at Shion. Tried to understand him. “I’ve seen you land that quad countless times since the Final. You know you can do it. What else do you want? What are you looking for out here, Shion?”

           “I’m not looking for anything.”

           “Then why the hell are we here?” Nezumi shouted, and his voice rang out through the rink, seemed amplified because of the late hour.

           Shion’s exhale was a cloud of fog. His shoulders dropped. He tapped a skate lightly against the ice. “If I sleep, I’ll just dream of it. At least, if I’m here, I know I stand a chance of landing it.”

           “This is a stupid thing to have nightmares about,” Nezumi snapped, before he could stop himself, and Shion’s flinch was in the skin of his cheek.

           He looked down at the ice. “I didn’t – I didn’t mean to imply it was. I’m sorry. Nezumi. He looked up again, his eyes wide and earnest. “You don’t have to keep coming out here. You don’t have to keep finding me and bringing me back home.”

           “Actually, I do,” Nezumi said, his voice still hard, but he wanted to soften it.

           “Why?” Shion asked. He sounded helpless.

           In the day, Shion was happy. He reminded Nezumi of this constantly, how happy he was that Nezumi was by his side, how happy he was that they were living together, though it was in two apartments rather than one. Even so, other than when Nezumi was at work, he was always with Shion or on his way to be with Shion. Other than the nights, of course, when Shion left him, drawn to the rink, away from their bed.

           “I’m not using your apartment as a hotel. You’re either going to be there, or I’m not sleeping there any longer. Do you understand?” Nezumi asked, and Shion reached his hand into his hair, briefly grasped the white locks, let them go.

           “I can’t help it. Nezumi, I can’t help coming here. I’ll stop, I will.”

           “When?”

           “I don’t know yet. This is what I need now. I don’t expect you to understand, I don’t understand myself.”

           “You’re hurting yourself. You heard Safu, you’re going to give yourself a fracture at this rate.”

           “It’s just temporary. This is just temporary, that I need to do this. Go home, Nezumi, and I’ll be back soon. I hate that I keep you awake at nights. Please go home,” Shion insisted.

           Nezumi narrowed his eyes. It was only a home because it was Shion’s, but Shion wasn’t even in it, and Nezumi had no desire to return to an empty bed.

           He’d thought he’d never have to sleep alone again. He’d thought that was what this meant, what Shion meant, what being together meant.

           Nezumi said none of this. He turned and skated off the ice, changed out of his skates, and headed out without Shion beside him. Before he got to the edge of the rink, he heard the skid of Shion’s skates starting up again on the ice, the song from his free skate still playing on a loop.

*

They were walking back from Safu’s clinic, where they’d met her for lunch, when Shion turned to Nezumi.

           “Hey.”

           Nezumi didn’t look at him. He was opening a fortune cookie, pulling out the paper within it as he replied, “Hey.”

           “Remember that you agreed to do anything I wished?”

           Nezumi held out half his fortune cookie, and Shion took it even thought he’d already eaten his own.

           Shion’s fortune had read – Everyone agrees that you are the best – which Safu had smiled at and Nezumi had rolled his eyes at.

           “I remember,” Nezumi confirmed, rubbing his fortune flat between his thumbs and forefingers.

           “Is that still true?”

           “This is stupid,” Nezumi said, balling his fortune in his hand.

           “Don’t do that, let me read it,” Shion argued, reaching over to pry it from Nezumi’s hand.

           Don’t worry about money. The best things in life are free.

           Shion laughed, pocketing the fortune to keep. “Well, is it still true?”

           “Are you serious? Everything in life can be bought. I know you’re sentimental, but you can’t honestly believe that without money you could be – ”

           “No. I mean, is it still true that you’ll grant my any wish,” Shion interrupted, before Nezumi got himself worked up.

           It was the third day of January. Almost a year since Shion had known Nezumi. It amazed him, that only a year could contain the life he’d lived since he’d known the man beside him.

           “I suppose,” Nezumi said slowly.

           “I know what I want.”

           Nezumi said nothing, but he looked at Shion now. They were returning to the bakery. Nezumi liked baking with Karan, and Shion liked watching Nezumi bake. He liked especially when Nezumi smeared pie mix onto his cheek so that he could taste the sweet of it later when he kissed Nezumi’s jawline.

           “Even though you said you’d agree to anything, obviously, you don’t have to. You can have time to think about it. I want you to think about it. Don’t just say no immediately,” Shion warned, while Nezumi’s eyes narrowed.

           “This isn’t a promising preamble.”

           “Remember, you can’t just say no off the bat, you have to think about it.”

           “Yeah, yeah, what is it?” Nezumi asked, and Shion smiled at his suspicion.

           It had been a while, since he’d seen Nezumi guarded against him, suspicious of him, wary to be around him.

           A year had changed him, had changed Shion too. Shion loved the man Nezumi was now, but he couldn’t help his own warmth at the familiarity of Nezumi’s distrust.

           It only reminded him of the difference a year could make, of the beauty that could grow in such a short span of time, in what still felt like a lifetime.

*

“I know it’s asking you a lot to be reasonable, but if you could attempt it every once in a while, it’d be very much appreciated,” Nezumi said.

           He had let Shion push the cart in the grocery store, as it kept Shion’s hands busy, and he was less likely to reach up into the aisle and grab at unnecessary items. The figure skater was a sucker for sales.

           “I told you to think about it,” Shion groaned.

           “I did think about it, and that is my conclusion.”

           “I was thinking about it, and I have an idea. Ready? You could get an aster, and I could get a cactus,” Shion said, his grin wide.

           Nezumi reached around Shion to grab a bag of rice. “That doesn’t make sense.”

           “Yes, it does. My name is – ”

           “In your scenario, I’m represented by a cactus, right?” Nezumi countered, after he’d thrown the rice into the cart and pulled the side of it to make Shion walk again.

           Nezumi tried to grocery shop on his own, especially in Tokyo, where the aisles were constantly bustling. Shion was too easily distracted and even worse, recognized, which made the entire outing much longer and more painful than necessary.

           When Nezumi had come home from his rehearsal, however, it was to find that he was out of rice, and as Shion had just arrived in Tokyo, it was unavoidable to get him to stay at Nezumi’s apartment while he went shopping alone.

           “Well, yes.”

           “What’s with your insistence that I’m like a cactus?” Nezumi muttered.

           “If you don’t like that idea, I’m open to suggestions. I could do a rat, I suppose, but I don’t really like the idea of tattooing a rat on my body. A cute rat, maybe. Or a mouse, that could work, I like mice.”

           “Or we don’t get tattoos at all,” Nezumi replied.

           “I’m not going to make you get a tattoo.”

           “Then the matter’s settled. What kind of cereal did you say you’ve been wanting to try? This one? It’s full of sugar, Shion, there’s twenty-one grams per serving, pick a different one.”

           “But you have to consider it. I don’t think you’ve been considering.”

           “I’ve been considering,” Nezumi said, replacing the sugary cereal Shion had exclaimed at when they’d seen a commercial for it in between watching a documentary on meerkats Shion had been fascinated in. Nezumi grabbed a box of Corn Flakes instead.

           “I hate Corn Flakes.”

           “Then stop babbling and pick your own cereal,” Nezumi sighed, putting back the Corn Flakes, which he didn’t altogether enjoy either. They got soggy too quickly.

           “I like the idea of you with a tattoo. Don’t you think they’re sexy?”

           “I can’t have visible tattoos in my productions,” Nezumi replied, not mentioning that a few of his cast mates did have tattoos and simply used cover-up during shows.

           “We can get them in places that wouldn’t be visible.”

           “I’m not tattooing a flower to my ass.”          

           “I never asked you to do that,” Shion replied, picking a box of cereal from the shelf that looked just as sugary, if not more, than the one Nezumi had already advised him not to get. “Is it that you don’t like tattoos?” Shion asked, examining the puzzle on the back of the cereal box.

           Nezumi took the box from him, peered at the Nutrition Facts. “I wouldn’t say that.”

           “What would you say?”

           Nezumi sighed, put the cereal in the cart, looked at Shion. “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.”

           Shion threw up his hands. “That’s what I’ve been saying! If you just take time to consider it, then I’ll take your opinions much more seriously.”

           “Fine, I’ll consider it.”

           “Okay, you’ll consider it.”

           “But if we do it, it’s not going to be an aster and a cactus.”

           “Whatever you say, Nezumi,” Shion sighed, shaking his head and wheeling the cart out of the aisle.

           Nezumi followed him, watching as Shion struggled to weave through the other shoppers before stepping in and nudging Shion gently aside to push the cart himself, knowing if he let Shion lead, they could be in an aisle for an hour while Shion made conversation with everyone who recognized him and pointed at the Frosted Flakes cereal box where his face was plastered – Japan’s pride and joy.

*

Shion sat up in careful movements. As he was lifting Nezumi’s arm from over his waist, the man moved, then woke in a flash of grey eyes.

           “Go back to sleep,” Shion whispered.

           Nezumi watched him silently, then sat up as well. “You go back to sleep.”

           “Nezumi – ”

           “I’m serious. Go to sleep,” Nezumi said.

           It was the second week of January. Just past a month since the Grand Prix Final. Just past a year since Shion first saw Nezumi on stage at the New National Theatre, and then two days later in his mother’s bakery.

           “I have to – ”

           “Safu’s going to be pissed if you keep jumping on your sprain. I’m already pissed. Just shut up, Shion, and lie back down.”

           They were in Nezumi’s apartment, which Shion found fascinating. It was decorated in an incredibly sleek and modern way, which Shion had discovered was not at all Nezumi’s taste – the apartment was pre-furnished. It was immaculately clean as well, but for one side of Nezumi’s room, which was covered in teetering stacks of books.

           There were no plants but for the cactus on the window ledge in his living area.

           “You don’t understand,” Shion insisted, and Nezumi pushed his bangs from his eyes.

           “Sure I do. You have nightmares of falling. You go to the rink to prove to yourself you don’t have to fall. Let me tell you something, Shion. Nightmares don’t go away. Do you plan on doing this for the rest of your life? Who gives shit that you fell? You were incredible, it was your best program yet. I’ve never fallen on stage, I don’t know what you felt, but whatever it is, you need to come to terms with it and let it go.”

           Shion’s hands were in fists. He tried to loosen them. “I don’t need your sympathy, Nezumi – ”

           “Good, you don’t have it – ”

           “I don’t even care about the fall, I just like to skate, that’s all, I don’t see why you have a problem with it – ”

           “I don’t have a problem with you skating, I have a problem when it’s in the middle of the night, and I’ve got nightmares too, and they’re a little shittier than yours, so I’d appreciate it if you were here when I woke up,” Nezumi snapped, then abruptly stood up, left the room, slammed his door behind him.

           Shion stared at the closed door. Shock washed over him, cool and then burning. He hadn’t even known Nezumi was aware of his nightmares. The man no longer shouted so much in his sleep. He didn’t say anything Shion could understand anymore, hadn’t since Shion began sleeping beside him again in Marseille. All that was left were low murmurings Shion couldn’t make out, and he’d hoped it meant Nezumi’s nightmares had stopped, but he realized now what a foolish thing that was to hope.

           The nightmares had been plaguing Nezumi for nineteen years. They weren’t going to stop so easily.

           Shion stood up shakily, took a breath to steady himself, walked around the bed and to the door Nezumi had slammed. He opened it, ventured out into the living room, went next to the kitchen where the fridge was open and Nezumi behind it, staring in with the fridge’s glow luminescent over his pale skin.

           “There’s leftover curry,” Shion said quietly, walking to Nezumi’s side.

           Nezumi closed the fridge. He went to the pantry, which had been poorly stocked the first time Shion examined it, but now had a much wider array of options.

           Nezumi picked out a box of saltines, placed it on the counter, then sat on a stool, extracted a sleeve of crackers, and pulled off the rubber band.

           “Want butter or jam?” Shion asked, grabbing two napkins.

           “I’m fine.”

           Shion sat at the counter on a stool beside Nezumi. Nezumi put a handful of crackers on Shion’s napkin, then another handful on his own. They sat and ate in silence but for the sound of crunching.

           “I always assumed you forgot about your nightmares when you woke,” Shion said, when he had only one cracker left.

           He broke it in half, nibbled on a side of one and peeked at Nezumi, who still had three crackers on his napkin.

           “I’ve been remembering them recently.”

           “How recently?”

           Nezumi broke a cracker in half, then again, then again. “A few months.”

           “Has that happened before?”

           “No.”

           “Why do you think it started?”

           “Shion, I don’t want to talk about this.”

           “I didn’t know you needed me at night. If I’d known, Nezumi, of course I would have – ”

           “What?” Nezumi interrupted, looking at Shion suddenly. His voice was even, quiet. “What would you have done?”

           Shion leaned forward. “I’d never have left you. I’m here for you too, Nezumi. It’s not just you supporting me, that’s not how this works.”

           Nezumi rubbed his hand over his forehead. Pushed his hair up from his face and kept his fingers woven through the dark strands.

           Nezumi’s hair was incredibly long now. Nearly reached his elbows. Shion had spent hours weaving small braids through it one afternoon while they’d watched a Christmas movie marathon. Fallen strands clogged the drain daily in both Shion’s apartment and Nezumi’s. Shion loved to string his fingers through it during sex, but more often than not, he’d get it tangled, knotted. It caught on his lips and neck and body while Nezumi twisted and turned at night. It took hours to dry after Nezumi showered. Shion loved when it was loose and when Nezumi braided it down his back and when Nezumi pulled it up off his face in high, tottering buns.

           “Yeah, okay,” Nezumi said quietly. His eyelashes were long, long, long. Seemed longer each time Shion looked at them, and he wondered if eyelashes could grow.

           Nezumi’s fingers still in his hair were long. His legs, bent at the knees, were long. His arms, one elbow against the counter beside his napkin of crumbled crackers, were long. Everything about him seemed stretched out, and Shion wanted to get tangled in him, his long limbs and hair, his long fingers and eyelashes, Shion wanted to get caught, to get knotted, so that Nezumi would have to carefully extract him, comb through himself to find Shion at the center of him, snagged in the web of his long, thin, sea-green veins, trapped.

           Shion slid off his stool. Stood in front of Nezumi. Touched a few strands of his long hair that Shion hated and loved. He could touch Nezumi’s hair for hours. He could comb his fingers through it for days.

           “I know since the Final, it’s been strange. Getting used to each other again. Becoming a real part of each other’s lives, knowing we’re not temporary, trying to figure everything out with each other. But I need you to know how happy I am now. With you. I wouldn’t want anything to be different. I don’t regret anything that I’ve ever done, because all of it, every single moment of my life, has led to this one here, with you. I love being with you, Nezumi. I know I get on your nerves, and you infuriate me too, but this is what I want. It’s what you want too, right?”

           Nezumi’s fingers fell from his hair. He pivoted on his stool and looked at Shion fully, and then he nodded. “Yes.”

           “You don’t ever – You don’t ever get tired of me?” Shion asked, his voice small, not knowing he’d had this worry until it escaped his lips.

           Nezumi tilted his head. His eyes slipped carefully between Shion’s. Shion loved to be looked at by this man.

           “Of course I do,” Nezumi said slowly. “Quite often, I can’t stand you. I don’t know how a person like you could exist. There are many occasions when I want nothing more than to be away from you.”

           Shion breathed deeply. Nezumi spoke calmly, in such a way that Shion felt nothing but calm as well, didn’t mind what Nezumi said, felt that it was the same for him towards Nezumi as well.

           Nezumi reached out, caught the fabric of Shion’s t-shirt above his stomach and tugged so that Shion stepped forward. “That doesn’t mean I will ever enjoy waking up without you, or desire to do so again. You should know, Shion, that I’ve forgotten how to live without you, and I don’t care to relearn it. Do you understand?”

           Shion stepped between Nezumi’s knees. Nodded and wound his arms around Nezumi’s waist. Pulled himself closer to Nezumi, hugged him, rested his chin on Nezumi’s shoulder, felt Nezumi’s hair tickle his cheek, and Shion turned his head so the long strands touched his lips.

           “I understand,” Shion said, into the dark locks.

           “I am happy too,” Nezumi said over Shion’s shoulder. “Do you know that?”

           “I know that,” Shion confirmed, a whisper.

           Shion didn’t want to move from Nezumi’s arms, but he knew when they returned to bed, the long arms would return around him again. Only that allowed Shion to pull back from Nezumi, to clean up their crumbs and napkins and return to Nezumi’s bedroom where Shion had two drawers of clothes and a collection of his own books amongst Nezumi’s teetering piles.

           In bed, Shion asked Nezumi in a whisper if he felt sleepy. When Nezumi confirmed he did not, they undressed slowly, fucked even more so, let it take up hours of their night as if they did not know darkness was made for sleeping, as if they had never learned the consequences of exhaustion, as if to touch and kiss and bite and love was all their time had been made for, and all they knew to do.

*

Shion had a peculiar obsession with research, and spent hours looking up proper post-tattoo care as well as the most reputable tattoo artists in Tokyo. Nezumi, for the most part, tuned him out. He still hadn’t said yes. He’d simply suggested a better idea than a cactus and an aster, and Shion had let it go to his head.

           Nezumi had to admit, however, after getting the actual tattoo, that it was useful to have a self-made expert like Shion around. Shion had already bought the tubs of Aquaphor and placed one each in the bathroom of his own apartment and that of Nezumi’s. He instructed Nezumi on proper washing with unscented soap, and they did so the first time together, standing side-by-side in front of the mirror in Nezumi’s bathroom, their arms extended.

           Shion had even ordered Nezumi cover-up after comparing several brands online after Nezumi admitted to Shion that ballet dancers often did have tattoos in visible places, so long as they had the right products.

           Nezumi’s tube was labeled Body Cover, Pale. They’d rubbed it in patches over Nezumi’s arm before they even got their tattoos, and Nezumi was impressed by the match. Shion had undressed, and they’d rubbed it over his entire scar, Nezumi taking the bottom half of Shion’s body and Shion the top. The shade was a little too light for his skin tone, but when Nezumi walked several feet away from him and squinted, it looked as if Shion had no scar at all. Nezumi had ordered Shion to wash it off immediately, and Shion had laughed, said, Make me, so Nezumi had picked up him and taken him to the shower, turned it on while they were both standing inside of it, Nezumi still fully clothed and Shion squirming in his arms, laughing so hard Nezumi was certain he would drop the man.

           It was March, and the weather was too cold to go out without sweaters or jackets, so their tattoos stayed hidden outdoors. Safu had gone to the tattoo parlor with Shion and Nezumi three weeks before, but Shion had admitted to Nezumi that he still hadn’t told his mother.

           It was Nezumi’s, that Karan saw first, when he took off his sweater in the heat of the bakery. He was rolling dough for a pie crust when Karan’s hand wrapped around his wrist, twisted his arm gently.

           “Is that – ” she asked, and then she laughed a soft laugh, covered her mouth with one palm, but Nezumi could see the crinkles around her eyes.

           He looked down at his tattoo as well. It was on the inside of his left forearm, just underneath the crease of his elbow. Shion’s was in the same place.

           “Does Shion have one?” Karan asked, letting go of Nezumi’s wrist.

           His face was hot. He didn’t look at her as he sprinkled flour over the pie crust before continuing to roll it out.

           “Yes. His is different, though.”

           “I can guess what his is. It’s very nice, Nezumi.”

           Nezumi chose not to reply. He was forced to stop rolling the dough before it got too thin, and looked around for something else to do, aware that Karan was still looking at the inside of his arm and working hard not to pull it to his side, hide it from her.

           That afternoon on the train back to Tokyo, where they would stay the night because Nezumi had an early rehearsal the next day, Nezumi told Shion.

    ��      “Your mother saw.”

           “Saw what?” Shion was on his phone. He was researching different universities in Tokyo. He was going to do another season of ice skating, but when Nezumi asked about after that, Shion had shrugged and smiled and replied, Who knows?

           Nezumi didn’t say anything, and Shion looked up from his phone abruptly.

           “Your – ?” he pointed at Nezumi’s arm, covered by his sweater and jacket.

           “She laughed.”

           Shion smiled. “I didn’t think she’d mind. Did you tell her what mine was?”

           “No, but I think she knows anyway. It’s not hard to guess.”

           “I hate that it’s so cold. Sometimes I just roll up my sleeves and look at it,” Shion said, and Nezumi did not to admit that he often did the same.

           “We can stay in the city a few days, if you want. Tour universities,” Nezumi said, taking Shion’s phone and scrolling through the website he was on.

           “I was thinking. We could stay for more than a few days,” Shion said slowly.

           Nezumi glanced at him. “What does that mean?”

           “My lease is up at the end of March.”

           “You didn’t mention that.”

           “I’m mentioning it now.”

           “Two weeks before your lease ends.”

           “It’s a suggestion,” Shion said, and Nezumi handed him back his phone.

           “You don’t have to ask,” Nezumi said, sitting up to reach around his back, gather his hair to his side and braid it. It was too long, getting cumbersome. He’d told Shion he was considering cutting it, and the guy had nearly had a conniption, but Nezumi was getting tired of having to buy new bottles of shampoo and conditioner every two weeks.

           “It’s convenient having a place in my town though, because we’ll still go often, visit my mom and Safu all the time since the commute isn’t bad at all.”

           “Then keep your place,” Nezumi said. “It’s up to you.”

           “I want to live together.”

           “We are living together.”

           “But I want all our stuff in one place.”

           “Then we can move all your stuff to my place but a mattress, where we can sleep when we visit your mom and Safu.”

           “And I don’t want there to be your place and my place. I want just one place that we call our place.”

           “We can call my place our place,” Nezumi said, dropping his braid when it wasn’t even halfway done, letting Shion finish it because his fingers cramped after a while. “It’s too long, I’m cutting it.”

           “Don’t start that again. Really, it doesn’t make sense to move out of my place until I’m done this season, I’ll have to be there when I start training for the next Grand Prix.”

           “Then renew your lease, and we can talk about this next year.”

           “I guess I can stay with my mother when I train,” Shion mused. “I still have my room above the bakery where I grew up. And we could just stay there when we sleep over.”

           “Shion, it’s hard to know what you want when you go on like this,” Nezumi sighed, and Shion held his hand out for Nezumi’s hair band, which Nezumi offered for Shion to tie the end of his braid.

           “We’ll need a car to move all my stuff. Safu has one,” Shion said.

           “So you aren’t renewing the lease?”

           “I think I want to officially move in with you.”

           “It’s been official.”

           “Not official enough. Your place is kind of small, though, for a long-term thing. And I’ll always think of it as your place even if we try to call it our place.”

           “Let’s look at other apartments then,” Nezumi said, shrugging. “This guy at work said a place in his building was opening up, a two bedroom, not that we’d need two bedrooms.”

           “My mom and Safu will visit.”

           “Okay, we’ll look at two bedrooms. That’s what you want? A place in Tokyo? It’s much more expensive than your town. And I like your town.”

           “We’ll still see my town all the time. I like Tokyo, and we have the money, especially once I stop paying a separate lease, and you work there year-round, and if I’m going to university there in a year or two, it just makes more sense.”

           Nezumi nodded. “I’ll text the guy from work.”

           Shion’s smile was bright. “I’m so excited,” he said, and Nezumi stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

           They’d been living together for months, just at two places instead of one, but Nezumi did like the idea of a place they called our place even though he knew that was stupid, and decided it was just Shion’s idiocy rubbing off on him.

           Shion leaned against his arm, his cheek on Nezumi’s shoulder, closed his eyes even though they only had ten minutes left at most until they got into the Tokyo station.

           Even so, Nezumi turned his head, rested his chin in the soft of Shion’s hair. He looked out the window as the train sped by, but he wasn’t paying attention to the buildings they passed, his mind elsewhere entirely.

           Every time we make this ride, I feel like I’m seeing different buildings pass by even though the train goes the same way. Isn’t that strange?

           What was that?

           This is the fourth time I’ve said something to you and you haven’t heard me, do you realize that? You’ve been in your head the entire ride, what are you thinking about?

           Nothing. I had an idea.

           What idea?

           Don’t look at me like that, you haven’t even heard what it is yet.

           I’m not looking at you like anything.

           All wide-eyed and excited.

           It’s for our tattoos, isn’t it?

           You’re still looking at me like that. Stop being excited, I’m not saying yes, I’m saying I have an idea that’s better than all your stupid ideas have been.

           What is it?

           Before I tell you, tell me you know this doesn’t mean I’m agreeing.

           I know you’re not agreeing. You’re very on the fence. You’re not even on the fence yet, you’re still climbing the fence, you’re basically still on the side of the fence that is fully against getting matching tattoos.

           Are you done babbling?

           Nezumi, I love you more than anything in this world, but you’re being maddening right now. Just tell me.

           More than anything in this world? Even skating?

           You’re changing the topic on purpose.

           You brought it up.

           Of course, more than skating. You love me more than anything too, don’t pretend to be surprised.

           I never said that.

           You don’t have to say it for it to be true. Now tell me, tell me. What tattoos should we get?

           Ballet shoes and ice skates.

           Nezumi.

           Why are you smiling like that? It’s creepy. Your face is going to break.

           Nezumi, that’s it. We have to get them.

           Did you not hear when I told you I haven’t agreed to anything yet?

           It’s perfect.

           I haven’t said yes.

           Like I said, you don’t have to say it for it to be true. I’d get the ballet shoes, and you’d get the ice skates, right?

           Obviously.

           Can we get them tomorrow at that place I found?

           Shion.

           Are you busy?

           I’m not busy.

           So we’re doing it? For real?

           Seems that way.

           Really, Nezumi? Ballet shoes and ice skates?

           Yeah, Shion. Ballet shoes and ice skates.

 THE END

[emilyjanestuff]

LGBT+ representation in Anime and Manga: No: 6, Queer characters in a Dystopia story

Warning Spoilers.

               Something you’ve probably already figured out if you’ve been reading this blog for a while now is that I have a huge interest in two things Utopia/Dystopia Science Fiction and LGBT+ characters. Putting the two together in a story is garneted to engage me in the narrative. I’ve blogged a lot about From the New World so here I am going to talk about another Anime with Queer characters and a Utopia/Dystopia civilization. No:6 is the title of the anime and the name of the city which is the primary setting and focus. Rather than try to provide an over view of the entire city the anime focuses only on two boys. One Shion who is from the upper crust of the city and the other called Rat who is an escaped prisoner from the slums outside the city. What is also refreshing is that this story has both its protagonists as two young queer characters and their relationship is just as much part of the story as anything else. Since these are our main characters the strength of the story rests on the two of them and they raise to challenge with fantastic results. However, throughout the whole story there is a lack of how their society views their homosexuality, particularly a society like No:6 that punishes non-conformity.

The first of the two characters we meet is Shion. Shion has traits that can be both positive and negative depending one’s view. He is a very caring person putting the needs of others before himself. Examples include when he helps Rat after the latter breaks into his home, despite the risks and later, consequences to himself. Later on, Shion saves a baby during the clean up before the Holy Day. Shion is the type of person who is always willing to help and save other people when they need him. However, there is also a negative way of viewing this. Constantly putting others first to himself is a risk. While he has good intentions, he is also naive. This is especially true when he thinks he can simply just break down the walls of No.6. He thinks in doing will make everything will be right with the world. He also seems to think he can do everything such as invent a serum to save the lives of people of No.6, rescue his mother and Safu, break down the walls and be with Rat. Shion does not recognize he is one person with very limited power particularly on his own. This later becomes more evident when he set out to rescue Safu all by himself without asking Rat assistance. Certainly, going to get himself killed in the process.

               In the last two episodes, however viewers get to see a very different side to Shion. Shion is confronted with the reality of No.6. He becomes increasingly pushed during the dangerous mission to rescue Safu. Shion has never done something like this before. He also becomes ruthless. When Rat is nearly killed by a guard Shion, overcome with anger, kills the guard. Shion himself is shocked that he could such a thing, only putting aside his trauma when he has to comfort Rat. Shion was a new and unpredictable environment, this went to his head. This showed just how far he is willing to go to save those he loves such as Rat and Safu even if it means abandoning his gentle nature to kill. His idealism is broken when confronted with what No:6 has done to Safu. Finally, he hates No:6 and vows to destroy it. Shion shows just how a character’s good traits can also be his flaws making him a complicated and layered person and character.

               The other main character is Rat, who is everything Shion is not. While Shion is very book smart and academic Rat is street smart. Shion is overwhelmed by the West Block, by disease and vice but Rat just shrugs it off. Shion would be lost outside the walls without Rat. But Rat would be dead without the kindness Shion should him back in episode one. Rat returns this kindness by both saving Shion from the wasp embedded in him and by being his guide as Shion adjusts to life in the West Block. Rat is the last of the forest people who in the series have been wiped out by No.6. For this reason, he hates the city and those who dwell inside it. He seeks revenge for what happened to him and his people but in doing so would become the very thing he hates. In the end however he finds a way of doing this without massacring the city himself. The parasitic wasps that emerge from the upper class bring an end to the elite. Rat for his part destroys the main the main computer feeding No:6 bringing an end to the place. Rat gets what he wants but also avoids becoming what he hates. When No: 6 walls are broken down not only is Shion’s idealism proved to be correct but so too is Rat’s dream because No:6 is finally gone. Rat is just as complex and rich a character as Shion is.

               While these are two fascinating characters in a dark setting there and their relationship was interesting the way, their sexuality is handled felt somewhat amiss to me. I could understand why these two were attracted to each other, they were different in a lot of ways that worked. Shion was an idealist that was grounded by the more cynical Rat. Rat was street smart and Shion was book smart. But the thing was amiss was that while this was a romantic relationship between two young men it is never commented on how No:6 views such a relationship. No:6 is a totalitarian society were those outside the norm are hunted, punished at best, and eliminated at worst. Even if they are children or if they have committed the crime of doubting No:6. So how is homosexuality viewed in such a city? We are never told not once. Homosexuality isn’t something that is usually tolerated in such regimes but not so much as a comment is made about Shion’s and Rat’s relationship by anyone. Not even one warning them to stay in the West Block because they would be persecuted for their sexuality in the city. Would a gay couple be accepted in the city? We don’t really know.

               This a recurring trend with depiction of LGBT+ characters in anime and manga. There will be gay, lesbian, or bisexual characters but the way the dominant heterosexual society views them will be either glossed over or not addressed at all. The same thing happened in From the New World when all the same gender relationships ended before we could really learn how they viewed by the Village. It’s the same thing here really. Rat leaves at the end of anime just before Shion is reunited with his mother and adopts a small baby of his own (the child who he saved earlier in the story). While it does seem possible that Rat will come back and they will be together it does leave off where there could have been a very happy conclusion and an answer to how their society views their relationship. I understand there are also light novels that may provide answers to some of these questions but from the anime alone these things are left lingering. That all being said if you want to watch an anime with gay characters and dystopian society this is still a very good watch.

Note: I hope you enjoyed reading this and my other posts. I started this blog so I could publish my own work because chances to get your work published are usually far and in between. Because I’m doing this on my own I don’t have anyone advertising this. So, if you are enjoying my writing please share my blog posts with people who you think will also enjoy them. It would mean a lot to me. If you enjoy my work please subscribe for more. A big thank you to anyone who does this and to people who have already been reading. It means a lot to me.

[shercockadoodledoo]

ballet shoes and ice skates (5)

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

also on ao3

Naturally, there was press around the fact that the world’s most famous figure skater was coaching an unknown actor for his debut feature film anticipated to come out the next year, but the press was light, had petered out in the months since the first announcement had been made in early February.

           Nezumi’s kiss, of course, changed that.

           Shion first saw the photograph from a text from Safu, a screenshot of a news article that had been sent to her by a coworker at the clinic who knew she was friends with Shion.

           Shion had shown the photograph to Nezumi, who happened to be beside him in bed, eating baby carrots out of a bag even though Shion told him many times that he preferred if they didn’t eat food out of the kitchen.

           Nezumi had been unimpressed and unsurprised. “My agent probably took that. I should yell at her, she’s probably been stalking me waiting for an opportunity like that since she figured out we were sleeping together.”

           “You told Kiyoko we were sleeping together?” Shion had asked, distracted form the photograph.

           “Of course not. She likes to blindly assume things, and the things she assumes are usually right. It’s an annoying talent of hers. Does it bother you?”

           Shion had at first thought Nezumi was referring to his agent’s odd talent, then realized he’d meant the photograph.

           “No,” he’d replied, honestly. He didn’t care what the public thought of him, and he wasn’t ashamed to have been kissing Nezumi. He was used to being in the news anyway. “Does it bother you?”

           Nezumi had been chewing a carrot loudly, and Shion watched the way his jaw moved, then his throat as he swallowed. “Wish they’d got my right side, I’ve been told it’s my better angle.”

           Shion had put his phone down and spent the rest of the night examining the different sides of Nezumi to come to the conclusion that, yes, his right side was his best, but his left was not far behind.

           It was morning now, twelve hours past the photograph’s release, and Shion and Nezumi were headed to the rink for Nezumi’s Wednesday lesson.

           Shion could see from half a block down that a large crowd surrounded the entrance.

           “There’s a back way,” he said, pulling Nezumi’s arm as Nezumi continued to walk. “I have to take it sometimes, the press gets big around competition time. Although obviously, this isn’t about my next season.”

           “Okay,” Nezumi said, allowing Shion to pull him, and only when they were safely in the rink from the back did Shion realize maybe they should have gone through the front after all.

           “Did you want to talk to them? Give a statement? That would be good for your publicity, won’t it?”

           Nezumi looked at him in that way he often did, like Shion was crazy, and Shion didn’t mind the look. He loved every way Nezumi looked at him.

           “You sound like my agent. No, I do not feel like dealing with those idiots at seven in the morning. Or any time, for that matter.”

           “You’re only just starting in the film industry, shouldn’t you be welcoming the press?” Shion countered. They were at the bench now, sitting and pulling off their shoes in exchange for ice skates.

           “Not a fan of cameras.”

           “I’m sure you’re aware that those are a key element to filming major motion pictures such as that which you’re about to star in,” Shion replied, sitting up with a skate still untied to look at Nezumi closely.

           Nezumi’s hair fell over his face as he tied his own skates. Shion thought about reaching out, tucking it behind Nezumi’s ears, but they weren’t in his apartment, and Shion didn’t touch Nezumi outside his apartment but to guide him into position on the ice. “I prefer the theater.”

           “Then why are you doing a movie?” Shion asked, vaguely aware that he’d asked this question before, and when he thought back, he recalled Nezumi’s answer, the same reason Nezumi offered now.

           “Money,” he said, sitting up as well, pushing his hair out of his face with long fingers that quickly tied it up into a ponytail. “And,” he continued, that smirk of his slipping quickly over his lips, “of course, the pleasure of your company.”

           “You should save lines like that for the reporters outside, I bet that’s what they want to hear,” Shion pointed out, and Nezumi laughed, that laugh Shion loved, that laugh Shion wondered if he could live off of despite knowing the necessities of food and water and oxygen to the human body – what if his own body was the exception? What if all he needed was warmth?

           “Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind.”

           They were not an hour into the lesson when Nezumi’s phone began to ring from outside the rink, just as it had been ringing throughout the night.

           “Didn’t I silence that?” Nezumi asked, stopping abruptly so that his skates churned up powdered ice.

           “You put the volume back on for our alarm,” Shion reminded.

           Nezumi cursed, skated out of the rink and silenced it.

           Shion didn’t ask who it was. They both knew it was Nezumi’s agent.

           A half hour after that, while Shion was giving Nezumi tips on how to keep his leg straight during a camel spin, there was pounding against the front door of the rink. The door was usually open, but seeing as they’d entered from the back, Shion hadn’t unlocked it.

           “Ignore it,” Nezumi said.

           “Nezumi!” came a voice from outside the building, identifiable immediately as belonging to Kiyoko. “Let me in!”

           “Maybe you should let her in. She is your agent, and dealing with the press is her job,” Shion said.

           “The press is outside, not in the rink. She can better deal with them outside.”

           “Did she tell you to kiss me?” Shion asked, as Nezumi lowered himself as if about to attempt the spin again.

           Nezumi stood up straight, pulled his bangs from his eyes. He’d forgotten his hair clips, and Shion knew they were sitting on the edge of his bathroom sink, had seen them there that morning.

           “What?”

           Shion shrugged. “That’s fine with me. I don’t mind if you use me for press.”

           “I’m not using you for press.”

           Shion smiled to reassure the man. “I know you’re not having sex with me for press. But you’ve never kissed me like you did yesterday, out of the blue like that. It’s okay if you did it for press.”

           Nezumi squinted at him. Shion liked the feeling of being x-rayed by this man, scrutinized like he was a puzzle.

           He wondered if it was possible that Nezumi thought him as mysterious as Shion found the actor.

           “I already told you I don’t like cameras. You think I’d kiss you for press? And give my idiotic agent what she wants?”

           “Then why did you kiss me?” Shion asked.

           “So you’d shut up,” Nezumi muttered, and Shion couldn’t tell if he was serious.

           “I wasn’t talking. And it’s rude to kiss someone to shut them up.”

           “Are you going to coach me or not?” Nezumi demanded, his hand in his bangs again.

           “Nezumi!” Kiyoko shouted, from outside. “Open up or I’ll spread rumors about you to everyone out here!”

           Nezumi sighed loudly. “She thinks I care,” he said to Shion.

           “I’m going to let her in,” Shion replied. He didn’t care if Nezumi’s agent spread rumors about Nezumi either, but he figured it’d be best if Nezumi spoke to his agent about this. The press largely concerned his career, and even if Nezumi pretended it didn’t matter to him one way or the other if the film did well, it was the first film Nezumi would be acting in, and Shion wanted him and the film to be as successful as possible.

           “Don’t let her in!” Nezumi yelled, as Shion skated to the edge of the rink, pulled off his skates once he was off the ice, and walked to the door in his socks.

           He opened it a slit, and voices poured through, but he was used to having microphones shoved in his face, and smiled as he opened the door wider.

           “Thank you all for coming, but this is a private session.”

           “Shion! What did that kiss mean?”

           “Shion! Have you always been gay?”

           “Shion! How long have you and the actor been in a relationship?”

           “Shion! Will this secret romance influence your upcoming season?”

           Kiyoko slid through the door as quickly as she could, and Shion closed it again on the news casters, who were immediately muffled. He locked the door before turning to Nezumi’s agent, who was beaming at him.

           “Isn’t this excellent?” she asked, her smile wide.

           Shion looked up at her. “It won’t hurt Nezumi to have press like this? A lot of Japan is still pretty conservative.”

           “Even better. People that are angry and disgusted gossip more about what they hate to see than people who are supportive or ambivalent.” Kiyoko turned around, and Shion followed her gaze, watched Nezumi skating around the ice, pulling into a camel position and spinning a few rotations.

           His leg bent out of the position a little too early, but Shion knew he was an amazing skater for someone who’d only been at it for a little over three months.

           “Wow,” Kiyoko said. “You taught him that?”

           “He’s a fast learner. The ballet helps too,” Shion said. He was proud of Nezumi, who continued to skate, clearly uninterested in talking to his agent.

           Kiyoko walked to the edge of the rink, and Shion followed her, stooping to pull on his skates again while Nezumi’s agent leaned against the side of the rink, slipping two of her fingers in her mouth and wolf-whistling loudly.

           “Looking good!” she called.

           “Get out, I’m in a lesson.”

           “You didn’t need to get that good, kid. They won’t let you do any of that fancy stuff, we’ve got a stunt double for all that,” Kiyoko said.

           Shion leaned his elbows on the side of the rink beside Kiyoko, watching Nezumi turn and skate backwards in a quick step sequence.

           It was Shion’s step sequence from a few seasons back. He’d simplified it to teach Nezumi just so the actor had a handle on switching in and out of different positions.

           “I didn’t know you were teaching him all of that. I figured he was still learning how to stand up on the ice,” Kiyoko said, almost wondrously.

           “He could be a competitive skater in a few years if he wanted. He’s really amazing.”

           “Shion, get back here and teach me something,” Nezumi called, not turning towards them.

           “I need to talk to my client!” Kiyoko shouted at him.

           “Busy, sorry!”

           “You can take a break,” Shion offered, knowing the glare was coming even before the actor lifted out of his lunge to cast narrowed eyes onto him.

           Nezumi stopped skating in the curve of the figure eight he’d been completing and skated towards them, stopping a few feet from the edge of the rink and standing with his hands on his hips, turning his glare to his agent.

           “What do you want?”

           “Couldn’t have given me a heads’ up on the PDA? I could have had my guys get a better angle on it,” Kiyoko said.

           “Your guys?” Shion asked, and the agent glanced at him.

           “I’ve been having you and Nezumi tailed, hoping for some action like this. Took you long enough to bring it out of the bedroom, I was getting a little frustrated to be honest.”

           Shion blinked. He was used to people prying into his personal life, but he was surprised at the unabashed way Kiyoko admitted to her intrusion. She almost sounded proud – but then, this was her job, Shion knew.

           “Again, what do you want?” Nezumi asked loudly, and they both turned to look at him.

           “I want more pictures, Nezumi,” Kiyoko said evenly.

           Nezumi laughed, pushed his bangs from his face. “You’re really something.”

           “How about a bit more passion next time? The gentle, lingering kiss is nice for a first kiss, but your fans are going to want a bit more action for the second one. Maybe a hand in his hair, grip his shirt to pull him closer, something like that.”

           “Are all candid photos of celebrities staged like this?” Shion asked, fascinated by the instructions.

           “We’re not doing any of that,” Nezumi cut in.

           “I don’t mind,” Shion said quickly, and he smiled when Nezumi glared at him again.

           “You know, I like you,” Kiyoko said, and Shion glanced at her to see that she was appraising him in a calculated way.

           “Hey. Leave Shion alone, don’t get him mixed up in your schemes,” Nezumi snapped.

           “Is there a reason this bothers you? Don’t tell me you were still in the closet,” Kiyoko said.

           Nezumi exhaled loudly. “We’re busy, Kiyoko. Escort yourself out.”

           “I want to plan the next photograph. We can do that, and I’ll leave you boys alone.”

           “I’m not planning anything,” Nezumi said shortly.

           “Clearly, I don’t need you,” Kiyoko said, not seeming fazed at all as she turned again to Shion. “Do you think we could get one somewhere that there are flowers? The public loves flowers. I found a flower shop a few blocks from here, it’d be perfect.”

           “You want me to drag Nezumi to a flower shop and kiss him?” Shion asked, still amazed.

           “If there are flowers, there doesn’t even need to be a kiss. You can just hold hands, and that’s basically a statement announcing your official relationship right there. Or – this is better, actually, do this instead – tuck his hair behind his ear, that’s a tender gesture, that’ll make hearts melt. And it’ll bring attention to his hair, he’s got great hair, don’t you think?”

           “Unbelievable,” Nezumi muttered.

           “We’re not in an official relationship,” Shion pointed out, ignoring Nezumi’s muttering.

           Kiyoko waved a hand as if to brush the words off. “That doesn’t matter. Do you think anything the press talks about is true? It’s just talk, that’s the point. We want people to talk.”

           “What if we had a mock fight? Like if I slapped him?” Shion asked, feeling himself getting swept up in the whole idea of staging scenarios for the press. It was absolutely fascinating to him that candid photographs could be staged. He had never suspected it, but now he wasn’t sure why it hadn’t crossed his mind.

           He supposed he didn’t really follow many celebrities. It occurred to him that in a few years, Nezumi might be a huge celebrity, but he found this hard to imagine.    

           Nezumi was a private person. Did not seem the type to get caught up in the limelight – which Shion suspected was the root of his current irritation.

           “I like the idea, but you have to build a foundation first. Some more kissing, hand holding, hair tucking. Then the slap,” Kiyoko said, nodding enthusiastically.

           “What is going on?” Nezumi demanded, skating forward and stopping at the edge of the rink. “Are you losing your mind?”

           “It could be fun,” Shion said, turning to him, smiling because it was so easy to smile around Nezumi, the man made him so happy it didn’t make sense, Shion stopped trying to make it make sense. “And good practice for your acting career. We could put on a whole mock show for them. The public.”

           Nezumi stared at Shion with wide eyes. “You actually are crazy.”

           “I think he’s great. Why didn’t we talk before this, Shion? I like the way you think,” Kiyoko said cheerfully.

           “We’re not doing any of this,” Nezumi said roughly. “Get it out of your head.”

           Shion frowned. “You’re no fun.”

           “Being slapped is not what I call fun.”

           “You can slap me,” Shion offered.

           Nezumi looked at him flatly. “Tempting.”

           There was a loud ringing, and Shion looked at Kiyoko, who was digging a phone out of her pocket. “Yeah?” she said into it, turning around as she spoke.

           “I’m serious,” Nezumi said, as Shion glanced at him. “Get this shit out of your head.”

           “If it will really make you uncomfortable, of course I’m not going to force you to hold my hand around flowers for the media. The whole concept of staged candid photographs is very interesting though, don’t you think? It really makes you question what in the news can be trusted.”

           “I think your opinion of interesting is a very unique one,” Nezumi replied slowly. “And celebrity gossip isn’t news.”

           “Technically, this is your fault for kissing me like that,” Shion reminded Nezumi, who narrowed his eyes without speaking.

           Kiyoko turned back around, adjusting her glasses and slipping her phone back in her pocket. “I’ll have to be off, I need to have a word with your producer, actually,” she said to Nezumi.

           “Is he in trouble?” Shion asked.

           “Hardly, the producer wants press more than I do. We’ll talk more on this later, Shion, I’d love to meet with you again.”

           “You will not,” Nezumi said forcefully.

           Kiyoko just reached out and tapped Nezumi’s cheek. “Try to soften up and get on board with your boyfriend, will you?”

           Nezumi didn’t correct Kiyoko on the boyfriend account, and Shion didn’t see the point of it either.

           He wasn’t given the chance, anyway, as Kiyoko was already heading out, was at the entrance of the building when she turned back.

           “And keep up the good work, but don’t you dare get injured on some fancy spin. No jumps, it’s in the contract, don’t forget that,” she called, and then she was gone.

           Shion followed her, taking off his skates yet again to lock the door behind her, then returning to the side of the rink.

           “Remind me never to kiss you again,” Nezumi said, while Shion bent down to replace his skates once more.

           “I don’t really care to agree to that,” Shion replied, lacing up his skates and standing back up, stepping in front of Nezumi with the wall of the rink between them.

           He thought about kissing the man, but didn’t. The kiss the day before had been an accident, and Shion didn’t consider it a normal thing to be kissed by this man whenever he wanted – which was always, always, always.

           “Was it worth it?” Shion asked, while Nezumi’s eyes flickered between his.

           “What, kissing you? Not at all, I’ve got a headache already from this press nonsense.”

           Shion smiled. “Then next time, you should kiss me longer. To make it worth it.”

           Nezumi squinted, looked at Shion in a way he could feel, in a way that expanded his insides, jostled his heart to make room for itself in the small of his chest.

           “What?” Shion asked, when Nezumi said nothing at all.

           Shion had expected some sarcastic retort. Some insinuation that he was crazy, ridiculous, something insane – and he felt it, around Nezumi, he felt his rationality strip away and leave him unreserved, unkempt, something wild and raw and unrestrained, on the edges of unhinged.

           Nezumi shook his head. Skated backwards slowly, as if he was not skating at all but being tugged away from Shion by something neither of them could see. “Nothing,” Nezumi said softly, so softly Shion could barely hear him, tried to lean forward but the wall of the rink stood in his way.

           Nezumi turned, then, skated fully away from Shion, then glanced over his shoulder. “Coming, Coach?” he called, voice restored to normal, so Shion gave himself another few seconds to just look at the man before joining him on the ice, skating over to him, never taking his eyes off of him as he did so.

*

A week after the photograph, the press did not lessen.

           If anything, it had grown, and Nezumi knew this was because the single photograph had been multiplied, more and more photographs in the news daily, capturing Nezumi and Shion walking beside each other to the ballet studio, standing outside Shion’s apartment at night, slipping out the back door of the rink, leaving Shion’s apartment in the morning, waiting in the sushi place to make their orders during their lunch break.

           There was nothing romantic in the photographs. Despite his agent’s constant requests and Shion’s insane excitement at the idea of photo staging, Shion did not pressure Nezumi to hold hands with him beside a flower shop or beg Nezumi to let him tuck his hair behind his ear. Nothing had changed in either of their behavior towards each other, but with each new photograph, the news made it seem like they were closer and closer to some imaginary impeding engagement.

           Nezumi had no idea why anyone cared. Figure skating was not an altogether popular sport, and while Shion had made it more famous in Japan due to his own talent and success, it still was not a big news item.

           “It’s because of you,” Shion said, lifting his leg against the bar alongside Nezumi in the ballet studio.

           “You’re not doing it right,” Nezumi said, examining Shion’s form and finding it completely unsatisfactory.

           “I’m not trying to do it right. I’ve told you many times, I’m not here to learn, I’m here to watch you.”

           “Then get your leg off the bar,” Nezumi said.

           Shion did not take his leg off the bar.

           “Why would anyone care about me? The ballet is not nearly as popular as figure skating, and it’s not like I’m a world champ.”

           “You’re incredible on stage,” Shion said.

           Nezumi leaned into his own outstretched leg, relishing in the strain of his muscles. “The public does not share your obsession with me.”

           “Clearly, they do. Not because of your productions, but your looks. You’re very good looking, Nezumi. That’s why the photographs are so big. People enjoy looking at beautiful people, especially if those beautiful people are having affairs with famous figure skaters, not to mention the whole scandal that we’re both guys. It shouldn’t be surprising to you.”

           Shion finally took his leg from the bar, leaning his side against it instead, and Nezumi copied his actions, stared at Shion fully.

           “You’re assuming all of Japan thinks the same nonsense that you do,” he said.

           “No, I’m assuming those in Japan who are interested in these photographs have eyes, and enjoy looking at you.”

           Nezumi decided it’d be pointless to argue.

           In an hour, they were leaving the ballet studio, waving to Nagisa at the desk and stepping outside to be greeted by, as had been the routine for the previous week, a small crowd of reporters.

           “Nezumi! Shion! Just one statement!”

           Nezumi fully intended on walking past these people as had become his new procedure, but Shion elbowed him.

           “Wait,” he said, and Nezumi glanced at him, saw that Shion was not even looking at him, but at the reporters. “Hi,” he said, and the reporters pressed forward.

           “Shion! Are you doing ballet now?”

           “Shion! Is Nezumi coaching you?”

           “Shion!”

           Shion lifted a hand, smiled that easy smile of his. “If I could just say something,” he said, and everyone quieted, an odd hush that Nezumi did not associate with the microphone-clad stalkers.

           Nezumi tucked his hair behind his ears, wary of what Shion was up to.

           “We’re flattered by all of the attention you’ve been giving us for the past week, but if I could ask that you don’t follow us everywhere, it’d be really appreciated. Nezumi isn’t used to this amount of press, and while I’ve had a good share of experience with it, it does get distracting around competition time. I don’t want to ask you not to do your jobs, but maybe…” Shion trailed off, clearly thinking of what solution he could suggest.

           Nezumi crossed his arms, watched the figure skater think. Typical, that he was trying to empathize with and help the people who’d been pestering them for a full week.

           After a moment, Shion nodded to himself, then addressed the crowd again. “We will each answer one of your questions about our relationship in exchange for a little more privacy. You are, of course, at liberty to take pictures of us, as I don’t think there is a way to stop that, but a little space to allow us to live a normal life is all we’re asking. Of course, you don’t have to agree, but if you don’t, we won’t answer any of your questions.”

           Nezumi could not point out that he had no intention of answering any questions at all, as the reporters started firing countless questions at once, words nearly impossible to make out from the jumble of each other.

           “Um, does that mean you agree?” Shion asked tentatively, and someone from the back of the crowd shouted –

           “Yes!”

           “You do realize they’re still going to stalk us. They’re just lying to you, Shion,” Nezumi said quietly.

           “You should learn to trust people,” Shion replied easily before looking back at the crowd. “Um, okay, I’ll answer my question first. It would be helpful if you raised your hands,” he managed, and somehow, the reporters were agreeing, silencing and raising their hands.

           Shion chose a woman by the side of the pack who stepped forward happily, holding a notebook and pen.

           “Shion, hi, it’s an honor to be able to speak with you, thank you so much for choosing me. My question for you is to know how long you and Nezumi have been in a relationship beyond that of coach and trainee.”

           Shion rubbed the back of his neck and glanced at Nezumi, who just raised his eyebrows, not at all caring to help the guy out with what was his own stupid idea.

           “Well,” Shion hedged, glancing back at the reporter, then looking more relaxed. “Nezumi and I became friends very early on in his training, and have been friends since then. I hope that answers your question.”

           Nezumi snorted. The reporter looked dismayed, but just nodded and forced a smile. “Yes, thank you.”

           Shion looked at Nezumi again. “Your turn.”

           “Lucky me,” Nezumi said, rolling his eyes and deciding to play along if it would make Shion happy, pointing to a guy at random who shoved his way forward, leaning closely enough that Nezumi stepped back.

           “Hey, Nezumi, tell the public what they really want to know – In regards to the world’s best figure skater, does the carpet match the drapes?”

           It took Nezumi a moment to process the question, and when he did, a flash of heat whipped under his skin. “Are you seriously asking me about Shion’s pubic hair?”

           Nezumi was not embarrassed by the question. He couldn’t think of a reason to be angered by it, but there was that sudden heat woven into his pulse, and he didn’t know why it was there.

           There was Shion’s hand on his arm. “Let’s go,” Shion was saying, pushing Nezumi gently, who let himself be pushed, away from the reporters who were chattering loudly again.

           Nezumi only felt at ease when they’d made it to Shion’s apartment building, climbing up the stairs. At Shion’s door, Nezumi watched the man stick in his key, unlock it, open it wide and allow Nezumi to walk in first.

           Nezumi headed to the stove. Put on tea even though it was hot outside. Gave his hands something to do.

           “Hey.” Shion was beside him, elbow nudging him gently. “I’m flattered you’d get angry at a question like that on my account, but it’s okay. They’re like that sometimes. Ask stupid things.”

           “I’m not angry,” Nezumi replied easily.

           “You looked angry. You looked a little like you were going to hit that guy.”

           Nezumi glanced at Shion, who smiled at him lightly.

           “It kind of felt nice. Surprising, definitely, I always feel like you’re very calm and collected, but it was nice to see that question get to you. Like you were being chivalrous or protective or something,” Shion said.

           Nezumi narrowed his eyes. “I wasn’t going to hit someone for being an idiot. I don’t hit you, do I?”

           “It was a stupid question,” Shion said. “He was trying to rile you up.”

           “He didn’t.”

           “I wasn’t bothered by it.”

           “Neither was I.”

           “Nezumi.”

           “What?” Nezumi snapped, not knowing why his tone was clipped. He took a breath, let it out slowly. “Do you get asked shit like that a lot?” he asked, instead of reminding Shion again that he wasn’t angry, because Shion didn’t look convinced.

           Shion shrugged. “Not a lot. A few times. Safu actually would be the one to get questions like that. There used to be a lot of rumors about us. People like romance.”

           “Your friend Safu,” Nezumi said.

           “Yeah.”

           “Were you in a relationship?”

           “You sound like the reporters,” Shion said, laughing lightly.

           Nezumi narrowed his eyes. “The reporters should get out of our faces and mind their damn businesses. How do you put up with that shit? And humoring them today, why would you do that? It’ll only encourage them, that was stupid of you, you’re asking to be treated like that, like you’ve got no right to privacy. You need to learn to shut your mouth sometimes.”

           Shion leaned back. “Are you mad at me?”

           “I’m giving you advice. You should take it,” Nezumi said shortly.

           Shion only looked at him in concern, as if Nezumi was someone to be concerned about. “I’m sorry I put you in that situation. I know you prefer privacy. I know you’re not a public person. I shouldn’t have done that. I thought it would help, that they would back off a little, sometimes they do that if you give them just a little information, but I should have talked to you about it.”

           “Stop apologizing, I don’t give a shit,” Nezumi snapped.

           Shion looked at Nezumi for a long moment. “It’s okay to care about me. That doesn’t make you weak or dependent on me, or whatever it is that worries you.”

           “I don’t care about you,” Nezumi retorted, not thinking.

           The water was boiling, and he stared down at it, the quick bubbles jumping to the top of the kettle.

           Shion didn’t say anything, and Nezumi realized what he’d said, looked up at Shion.

           “Shion.” Nezumi didn’t know what to say. He never knew what to say to Shion because he couldn’t give the man the truth, and what was left?

           I don’t care about you.

           Nezumi felt the heat from before, worse than before, and it wasn’t anger this time, he knew that, didn’t know what it was but that he felt wrong, he felt sorry.

           “The water’s boiling,” Shion said quietly, reaching out to turn off the stove.

           “Hey. Listen, I didn’t mean that,” Nezumi said, reaching out, catching Shion’s wrist as he tried to move his hand from the knob of the stove.

           Shion slipped his hand free, but Nezumi made that easy, didn’t hold on to the man too tightly, worried he wouldn’t let go.

           It was too easy to be around Shion. To forget that this was temporary. That Shion wasn’t really a person in his life because Nezumi didn’t have people in his life.

           He had people that he worked with, people that he dealt with, people that he slept with, people that would leave if he did not leave them first, so he made sure he did.

           He was always the first to leave. He’d been left behind once and wasn’t about to endure it again.

           Shion turned, opened a cupboard for mugs, took two out and held them because there wasn’t room on the counter due to the all of the ridiculous plants that took up any space.

           He didn’t look at Nezumi, who couldn’t look away from him.          

           “Don’t be stupid, Shion. What, you’re really going to convince yourself that I don’t give a shit about you? You think that’s true?”

           Shion stared down into the empty mugs he held for a moment. When he looked up at Nezumi, there was nothing in his expression at all, but Nezumi still searched for that easy smile as if somehow he could have missed it.

           “Is that your apology?” Shion asked, his tone even.

           Nezumi continued to search Shion’s face. Leaned closer, wondering if he’d heard correctly. “What?”

           “Is that your apology? Telling me not to be stupid? Is that you saying sorry?”

           Shion didn’t sound angry. He sounded very calm, very relaxed.

           Nezumi didn’t know what to do with the unconcerned expression he stared at. “No,” he finally said. “That wasn’t an apology.”

           Shion didn’t ask for one. He held out the mugs. “Want to pour before the water gets cold again?”

           Nezumi continued to look at Shion, but got nothing else, and after a minute he poured the boiled water into Shion’s mugs.

           He retrieved two tea bags, stuck one in each, accepted his mug from Shion but didn’t sip it, watched Shion blow carefully across the surface of his own tea.

           “I’m sorry,” Nezumi finally said, while he watched Shion take a tentative sip.

           Shion peeked up from his mug. Nezumi looked at the white of his eyelashes.

           Does the carpet match the drapes?

           He tried to shake the question from his head.

           “I don’t want to hurt you. Not just now, but – ” Nezumi exhaled, looked around for somewhere to place his mug, but of course, there was no space in the kitchen because of those godforsaken plants, sent to Shion by the people who loved him, the people who didn’t even know the man but loved him anyway, sent him stupid plants to tell him so, to let him know, to make sure him knew.

           Shion didn’t say anything, so Nezumi had no excuse, no interruption to stop him.

           “I want you to know that,” Nezumi continued, after giving up his search to find somewhere to put his tea. “That’s not my intention. I don’t want to hurt you, Shion, I know that I do, but that’s not – that’s not what I want.” He heard his voice dropping until he was speaking quietly. Not looking at Shion anymore but his mug that he held in his hands because there was no place to put it.

           Just plants, countless plants. Nezumi didn’t know how Shion kept them alive. Thinking back, he couldn’t remember ever seeing the man water them. Didn’t they need water? When was Shion watering them? Nezumi was always with him, for the last three months they were practically always together but for the few hours of the few days a week Nezumi went to Tokyo.

           Nezumi had never spent so much time with anyone. Never wanted to. Never known how to.

           “I know that, Nezumi,” Shion said, gently, like he was the one apologizing, like he had anything to apologize for, and maybe he did.

           It was his fault Nezumi felt the way he did, the want to be near Shion, the knowledge that it was best to keep his distance all the same. No one had ever done this to Nezumi. No one had ever made it so easy to be happy when that was not even an emotion Nezumi had given much thought to before. No one had ever made Nezumi so worried that this feeling might to be taken away.

           Nezumi shifted his mug to only one hand, tucked his free hand into his pocket, felt that his wallet was there and inside it, the key Shion had given him, smiling as he did so.

           Don’t complain, it doesn’t have to mean anything. Just take it, will you? Shion had said, offering it to Nezumi the moment he answered the door to let Nezumi in one night, almost two months before.

           It didn’t have to mean anything, none of the time spent with Shion had to mean anything – but it did anyway, and Nezumi wanted an apology for that, for all of what Shion had done to him.

           Nezumi brought his hand back to his mug. Sipped his tea, and it was too hot, but he didn’t want to wait.

           He wanted to finish it so he could discard the mug into Shion’s sink and pull the man to his bedroom, to undress Shion and touch him and fuck him because that was all this was supposed to be – skating and sex and nothing else, even if Nezumi found himself, for the first time in his life, wanting everything.

*

It was the second week of May that Nezumi got his next day off from rehearsal in Tokyo, but it was again a Tuesday, so Nezumi woke to Shion’s empty apartment.

           He showered, made eggs, and was eating them from the pan on the stove while watching a video of Shion’s previous season’s skating routines on his phone when the door opened.

           Nezumi did not notice it open at first, as he was listening to the video with earphones, and only realized he was not alone when the unexpected visitor was right in front of him.

           It was not Shion. Nezumi looked up, examined the woman he had only interacted with a small handful of times. He lifted the hand not holding his egg-wielding fork to pluck the earphones from his ears.

           “Safu.”

           Safu held a key in her hand that answered Nezumi’s unspoken question of how she’d gotten into Shion’s apartment. “Why are you here? Does Shion know you eat his food when he’s not home?” Safu asked, not the friendly morning greeting Nezumi might have preferred.

           Nezumi rested his fork in the pan. “It’s in the contract. Shion can only fuck me so long as he provides food and shelter.”

           Safu made no reaction but a slight narrow of her eyes, which she dropped from Nezumi to glance at the video still playing on his phone.

           Nezumi paused it. “He’s at the rink with Karan.”

           “Obviously, I am aware of that. I came to water his plants. He always forgets, and when they die, he gets upset and complains to me. It’s easier to just water them myself,” Safu said, walking around Nezumi to reach up for a cupboard Nezumi never opened.

           There was a watering can in it, which she pulled out and brought to the sink, glancing at Nezumi several times with that scrutinizing stare as she filled it.

           Nezumi wanted to know what she saw when she looked at him.

           “I can water them from now on,” Nezumi offered, deciding to be polite. It was best to win over this woman, Shion’s best friend. He would have done so sooner, but she was rather elusive.

           “That would be pointless. I’ll only have to keep doing it once you leave.”

           “Who says I’m leaving?”

           Safu turned off the sink. Held the watering can at the handle with her other hand steadying the bottom of it. “At the end of June, Shion’s contract to train you will be up. You’ll return to Tokyo. Shion’s plants will die.”

           Safu’s words weren’t questions. She listed them like facts, and Nezumi didn’t understand his urge to challenge them. She was right. He would leave, and the plants would die unless Safu went back to watering them.

           “Until then, I can water them. Give you a break,” Nezumi said.

           Safu didn’t look at him as she went from plant to plant. There had to be at least fifty. Nezumi wondered how often she came here to do this.

           “Why do you care so much about watering plants?” Safu asked. “I didn’t peg you as the type with so much concern for botanical chores.”

           Nezumi leaned against the stove, glancing once behind him to make sure that he’d turned the burner off before turning back to watch Safu plucking plants from the top of the fridge, having to stand on her toes to reach them.

           “I don’t care about the plants,” Nezumi agreed. He looked around at them, crowding the kitchen, making it impossible for Shion to cook and eat like a normal person, instead functioning in a sort of dance, so used to them it was like he had never needed counter-space in his life, never had any desire to sit and eat.

           “Oh, I see. They’re a metaphor. You care about Shion. Watering them, even temporarily, translates to a generous gesture on your part.”

           Nezumi felt his lips pulling up. He could see why Shion liked the girl so much. She certainly was interesting.

           “I don’t really speak in metaphors,” Nezumi said.

           Safu glanced at him after replacing the plant balancing on the tin of tea bags. “Then you won’t mind ending this argument about the plants. It’s getting a little tedious.”

           Nezumi laughed. He tucked his hair behind his ears. “Sure. I’ll pick the new topic then.” Nezumi thought for a moment, remembered what he’d been doing before Safu showed up. “Have you seen his new routines? He refuses to do them for me during my lessons.”

           Safu returned to the sink to refill the watering can. She spoke with her back to Nezumi, the sunlight dousing her hair, longer than when Nezumi had first met her four months before.

           Nezumi’s hair was longer as well, nearly to his elbows by now. Longer than he’d ever let it grow.

           “I’ve seen his short program, not his free skate yet.”

           “How is it?”

           Safu turned off the sink. Walked over to Nezumi, who realized only after several seconds that she was waiting for him to move to water the plants behind him.

           Nezumi moved, but not far. He examined the features of her face. He’d never paid much attention to her before, as Shion had always been present whenever he’d seen her, and Nezumi preferred the white hair, the red eyes, the thick lips, the easy smile, the odd scar, to anything Safu could offer.

           Safu was plain in a way that got prettier the longer Nezumi looked at her. She licked her lips before she spoke.

           “Amazing, of course. He’s amazing.”

           Nezumi forgot he’d asked a question. Remembered it and watched Safu more closely. Thought again about the plants and realized that for her, they were a metaphor as well.

           “You’re in love with him,” he said, and he didn’t know why the words came out sounding like an accusation.

           Safu didn’t even look at him. “I can see why you’re an actor. That was a very dramatic thing to say.”

           “Is that your denial?” Nezumi countered, and Safu finally glanced at him with an eyebrow raised.

           “No. I was in love with him when we were children, and as we grew older. You shouldn’t give yourself much credit for figuring it out, it’s easy to fall in love with Shion. I’m certain I’m not the only one who’s ever done it.”

           Safu moved on to the plants on top of the microwave. Shion had gained four additional plants since Nezumi had known him.

           “So, what? You stopped because he didn’t feel the same way?” It wouldn’t have surprised him. Safu, he was learning, seemed very pragmatic. Not one to waste time on emotions that wouldn’t yield some optimum result.

           But still, she was watering these stupid plants. What good came out of that?

           Safu sighed, turned away from the plants and looked at Nezumi in an almost bored way. “I don’t see why you are so interested, but yes, over time, I stopped loving Shion in that way. That’s what people do when their feelings are unrequited. They love for a period of time, and then they move on.”

           Nezumi could not tell if her voice was more pointed than necessary.

            “Of course,” Safu continued, looking away from Nezumi to examine the watering can in her hands, “I still love him. But in a different way. I love Shion the way he loves me. It no longer hurts this way. I’m not bitter. I couldn’t fault Shion for feeling what he does no more than I could fault myself.”

           Nezumi ran his hand through his bangs, feeling them drift back over his face the moment he released them. “Did he know?”

           At this, Safu smiled, and Nezumi felt his inhale catch. She had a smile just like Shion’s. Genuine, warm. “Oh, he’s very intelligent. But his expertise is lacking when it comes to love. But you should know that, of course. He fell for you, after all.”

           Safu replaced the watering can in the cupboard she’d retrieved it from. Nezumi expected her to say more, but she did not.

           “And that was stupid of him,” he pressed, to clarify, to make sure he understood.

           Safu looked at Nezumi with her head tilted. “Should we resume the plant metaphor you so enjoyed? You can’t water a plant for six months, abruptly stop, and expect it to keep thriving.”

           Nezumi crossed his arms over his chest. “Shion’s not like a plant. He doesn’t need someone else watering him to survive.”

           Safu shrugged. “It was your metaphor. I know he won’t die without you, Nezumi, it’s nothing that dramatic.”

           Nezumi waited for Safu to say what exactly would happen to Shion without him, but she said nothing else until she’d passed him, walked back to Shion’s front door, pulled the key from her pocket.

           When she turned back to speak, it was nothing that Nezumi had been expecting. “Do you know how he’s doing on his quad axel?”

           Nezumi stared, the previous conversation still distracting him, and tried to focus. “Not well. He still comes home bruised and battered. I’m sure he’ll get it. He’s the best at what he does.”

           Safu shook her head. “I’m not worried he won’t be able to do it. I’m worried he won’t know when to stop. Recently, he hasn’t really known what’s good for him.”

           With that, Safu let herself out, and Nezumi heard her lock the door once she’d closed it.

           Nezumi stood still for a moment, then peered into the pots closest to him, saw that little pools of water were at the surface of the soil but being rapidly absorbed, as if the plants were always left wanting more.

*