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solecize · 4 years

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EIGHTEEN FOREVER - PT 1.

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘. it all starts off when the bad boy greaser with a heart of gold, wong yukhei, almost runs you over with his beat up chevy on your way to school. your love story is immortalized through pen and paper, midnight ink and bloodstained envelopes spanning months on end. the sixties are a time of freedom and heartbreak—the time of your life. 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. lucas x reader 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄. period au (1960s) / high school au / slice of life / fluff / angst 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒. mature language, alcohol use, violence, drug use, light sexual references, mentions of death, themes of war, implied toxic family relationships, probably some historical inaccuracy but only if u squint 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓. 7.3k 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒. not proofread, as usual <3 all of the poems do not belong to me. in addition, smoking is normalized in this fic, in addition to slight tinges of sexism. i do not support either, but the elements were added due to the time period.

for the one with the pretty eyes:⠀ ⠀ 555-968-84 ⠀ ⠀ call me. ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ (in the blue chevy in front of you)

on your side of town, graduating high school was as rare as a teenage male walking around with clean knuckles and hair that wasn’t slicked back with thick pomade. you were proud of yourself for making it this far, while all of your other friends dropped out early and had babies or began to work full time. books weren’t for everyone and not everybody could afford it. college was a long shot for most of the graduating class, or at least the ones from your neighbourhood.

“who are ya taking to prom, huh?” kunhang was relentless in sticking his nose all up in your business, bothering you for weeks on end about your date. he began kicking the passenger’s side from the backseat to annoy you further and you flipped him off with a growl.

sicheng watched the two of you with a snort, muttering something about you two being geeks and proceeded to kill the engine of the car, once finding a suitable spot at the drive in.

you rolled your eyes. “why do you keep assuming that i’m even going? why’re you going?” kunhang was your only friend who was going to be graduating at your side.

“because i can. i think that’s more than enough of a reason.”

just a fraction of the kids you knew from your neighbourhood attended prom, most preferring to hit the watering holes to party with fake ids rather than stand under hot lights and drink bland punch. then again, only a fraction of those kids had the privilege of being able to go. however, the event was a waste of time, if anyone asked you.

“i have other things to worry about,” you retorted. “like exams.”

you carried a lot of pride on your shoulders. you were the only child in your household to make in this far in academics, with your mom long gone in the cooler behind bars and your father leaving this world when you were young. your older sister lived the glamorous housewife life and barely spoke to you, turning her nose up at the family that she left behind for fortune. it was just you and your older brother fending for yourselves in that tiny house that was always empty, with you constantly out and your brother always working out of state for his truck driving job.

“it’ll be a gas, c’mon,” kunhang began to pout. “i’ll even let you dance with me.” between the girls that nearly broke their necks whipping around to get a good look at him in the school hallways, you doubted he would be able to.

pretending to gag, you replied. “ew, no.” you laughed and exited the mustang to avoid him swatting at your arm.

the clementine sky was just about dipping into the horizon, brightening the small lot with warmth and comfort. chatter and laughter wafted in the air, along with cigarette smoke and the hug of youth. june’s summer beast was just about creeping in, as other attendees pulled up in miniskirts and wife beaters to beat the heat to a pulp. it was the perfect evening for a crappy movie and an ice cold coca cola.

sicheng teased, “i’m surprised you’re even making it out of that hellhole with a diploma, much less going to the prom.” he poked kunhang’s side and the other male yelped, pulling him into a headlock as the three of you walked. you rolled your eyes.

weaving through the crowd of people making their way back to their cars, you were heading towards the concession area with the boys. as always, sicheng insisted on arriving just a little bit later because he liked being parked far away from the screen.

you were lost in the thoughts of buttery popcorn and a cream soda when you stopped in your tracks, frozen. sicheng and kunhang noticed this, having just released each other in their psuedo fight, and looked at you strangely. you wanted to facepalm yourself.

you exclaimed, “aw, fuck, we’re a whole buncha idiots. we forgot!”

the two boys looked horrified, as they slowly realized what you all had done. immediately, your group scurried back to sicheng’s mustang and tried to avoid shoving into people. the outing had just begun and the last thing you needed was kunhang’s hothead smacking into someone’s jaw.

“chenle! chenle, you good, buddy?”

upon closer inspection, you could hear the sounds of thumping up against the inside of the mustang. sicheng nearly fell over when he reached for the trunk, heaving it up to reveal the red-faced younger male. he dramatically gasped for air and you couldn’t help but giggle at him.

sicheng’s body folded and doubled over, as he tried to catch his breath in laughter. “holy shit! dude, you fucking idiot!”

“me?” kunhang was wiping tears from his eyes, body rumbling with his snickering. “who’s idea was it to bring the kid?”

you loved having chenle around, your younger wisecrack of a neighbour who often tagged along with the three of you. he was an absolute ball of sunshine. unfortunately, being the youngest meant being the butt of everyone’s jokes.

obviously, the boys meant no harm, but you were the one with the softest heart between all of them and was far more gentle towards him. “aw, we’re really sorry, chenle,” you managed to sputter out between your laughter.

“why do i always end up going in the trunk?” chenle frowned, shoulders drooping. “and i ain’t a kid!”

and of course, chenle and kunhang began shoving each other, albeit playfully at the very least. you sighed and came to the conclusion that you were friends with a bunch of goddamn zoo animals and that you needed some female friends. they stopped when you yelled at them to knock it off.

sicheng replied, “sorry, buddy. you’re the smallest one, so you luck out.” of course, it would never be him because it was his car, even though he was the bright one who suggested hiding one of you in the trunk to avoid paying for an extra ticket.

“can we just get our popcorn now?” chenle had officially given up, though his pout stained his face.

you all murmured in agreement, though everyone shared the same shit eating grins for accidentally abandoning chenle in the trunk of the mustang. he continued to claim that he was suffocating the entire time, as you lost yourself in the daydream of a refreshing drink from the concession stand amid the intense humidity.

then, kunhang called your name and that’s when you realize you’d walked ahead when everyone else stayed behind.

the three boys were inspecting something on the windshield of the mustang. sicheng remained neutral, so you figured it couldn’t have been a scratch or crack or something. you jogged over to peer over at what they were all looking at.

“when did someone leave this. . . .?” sicheng trailed off, trying to remember if he saw any figures approach in car. it must have been right after they initially left.

it was a piece of lined paper, likely torn out of a notebook and tucked underneath one of the wipers. the handwriting was clear and you cocked an eyebrow. pretty eyes?

“wow, someone left a note for me,” kunhang grinned.

chenle cleared this throat, looking elsewhere. “uh, actually, i don’t think it’s for you, man.”

you followed his eyes, realizing that he spotted the said blue chevy. a handful of guys lounged around the back of the pickup, some you even recognized from school and others you just knew. there was the former football team linebacker, yangyang. your once upon a time lab partner, xiaojun. even your older brother’s best friend, kun. there was ten, who worked at the ice cream shop that you frequented.

then, there was the one who was looking straight at you.

everyone knew yukhei, but nobody really knew him. he had a shield of mystery in between himself and the rest of the world, only truly with the same four guys at all times. that’s how you saw him as, anyway. otherwise, to the rest of your town, he was the bad boy with a heart of gold, the boy with witty retorts and the brightest smile that you’d probably ever laid eyes on. something seemed so off about the way he portrayed himself to everyone else, though.

of course, to the rest of the girls at your school, he was the top candidate on everyone’s list for a prom date. you knew that enough, from the explicit whispers from girls that you overheard in the middle of class. everyone wanted him.

that’s why, if he hadn’t locked eyes with you, there was no way in hell you’d believe that yukhei wrote that note for you.

the idea scared you and you weren’t thrilled by the possibility of having wong yukhei. that’s why you immediately crumpled up the notes and tossed it to the side. he watched your every move as you did so.

after all, yukhei nearly ran you over the week before and he clearly could not remember your name.

the week before.

“are you out of your goddamn mind?!”

so, you were a little sleep deprived. you’d been up until the early morning hours finishing an essay worth a chunk of your grade, which shouldn’t have taken so long if it weren’t for the fact that you had to deal with the constant distractions that were your friends. at some point, chenle and sicheng dropped by and decided to make you cookies in the kitchen to cheer you on as you reached the end of the school year—obviously, that escalated into a disaster. you spent a few hours cleaning before you could finally kick the two knuckleheads out of your home.

that morning, you literally rolled out of bed onto the floor when you woke up. this was upon realizing that you slept through your alarm clock for school, snoozing off into the deepest sleep of your life after finishing your assignment. that’s how you found yourself sprinting from street light to street light, hoping to at least make it before the end of second period.

then, there was the baby blue chevy pickup speeding in like lightning from your left. you honestly should have heard it from a mile away, with the gurgle and sputter of an engine humming the disgusting tune louder than anything else on the street. however, you were too lost in the daze of fatigue and trying to remember if you packed yourself a lunch.

you noticed the truck a little too late, as it was a few away from you before you yelped and attempted to hop away, but ended up landing straight on your bottom. the impact nearly knocked the wind out of you and you braced yourself for the crash. thankfully, the driver had enough sense to come to a screeching halt, just about to touch you. this is when you yelled at the male behind the wheel.

the features of his handsome face knitted together. “aw, shit, shit shit—are you alright?” he yelled.

it took half a second to process what just happened, ignoring the stinging ache oozing in your backside. you took a sharp inhale and everything exploded like a volcano. shooting right up in a sitting position, you were met with the eyes of wong yukhei.

“do i look alright?” you snapped and he opened his mouth to reply, but you didn’t let him get even a word out. “you almost killed me, running that stop sign! i’m freakin’ exhausted, probably got three hours of sleep and i had to deal with my brother’s idiot cat almost clawing my eyes out on my way out! i’ve been running for forever and my legs ache like hell and i have to go to work straight after school! and. . .and, worst of fucking all, i’m late for school!”

yukhei simply blinked, staring back at your state, with dark crescent moons slapped underneath your eyes and your chest heaving for air. you were, in all simpleness, a mess. he smiled slightly, running a hand through his precisely twirled up, slicked up hair. you narrowed your eyes at his response.

he simply replied, “you wanna hop in?”

“i—what?”

“c’mon sweets, i’m sorry. i fucked up, at least let me give you a ride to school,” yukhei said, unbuckling his seatbelt. he began to exit his vehicle, gliding over to you and extended his hand. a smile remained on his lips and your head started to spin.

that was definitely not the response you expected. the only reason you went off on him so harshly was because you were used to dealing with the idiot hoods from your block, who seemed like they were raised without a lick of manners in the very few braincells in their heads. as a woman, you knew that you were going to automatically be treated lightly and built strong walls for that very reason. to have yukhei respond with such quietude was foreign to you and you felt a weight drop at the pit of your stomach for your reaction.

reluctantly, you grabbed his hand and he helped heave you up. you stumbled slightly once you rose a little too fast and you instinctively grabbed for leverage, which happened to be a handful of his leather jacket. yukhei didn’t seem to mind, though, which astounded you because other guys like sicheng and kunhang carried their leathers like their pride and joy, with even the slightest crinkle driving them mad. you apologized regardless.

yukhei attempted to steady you, both hands on either side of your shoulders. “s’okay, no worries. you kinda took a hard fall there.”

you gulped down the ball forming in your throat, trying to look anywhere but into his deep brown eyes. these were the same eyes that girls cursed for tearing into their hearts and bringing on permanent cracks. the same eyes that girls cried over in the washrooms at school. school. you were late for school.

“um, yeah, let’s. . .let’s just go.” you’d been counting time in your head since leaving your front door and knew exactly what time it was, but you still pulled up your sleeve to glance at your watch. anything to avoid looking into his eyes.

something must have creeped in under your skin and taken control of your muscles because you were not the type of person to get into a stranger’s car. alright, wong yukhei was no stranger, but he had a reputation that you were well aware of. it was just as bad. or maybe it really just because you were—

“—late for school again, but i guess i’m used to it and you’re not,” yukhei had been saying, but you were zoned out and had just opened the car door.

it seemed to had only occurred to you then, but you sometimes forgot that yukhei still went to your school. he had a distinct group of friends that he spent time with, all of which had dropped out quite some time ago. he never really struck you as the academic type and as far as you could remember, you never ran into him in the hallways or in class. the only reminders of his existence in the place were the indecent fantasies written about him on the inside of the girls’ bathroom stalls.

“you sure you’re okay, y/n? it is y/n, right?” yukehi glanced over at you from the driver's seat, roaring life back into the pickup with the turn of his key.

you thought you heard incorrectly, but then he repeated it. yukhei actually knew your name and it wasn't just because he was this popular boy that all the girls went after, but you were in shock be ause you'd never even exchanged words before as far as you knew. he seemed to read your mind and gave you a look that read "surprised you, didn't i?" with the raise of a single eyebrow.

yukhei continued as a further explanation,“i sat behind you in history class last year before i transferred out of it.”

clipping in your seatbelt, all you could reply with was, “yeah.” your eyes darted over to the way he mindlessly gripped the steering wheel with one hand, with a beautiful swirl of reds and blues staining his otherwise immaculate knuckles. he let the other one hang loose out of the window. “you promise to drive safe?”

a goosebump inducing grin, one bright enough to outshine a sun, stretched across his lips. “yeah, cross my heart.” yukhei said this, even as booked beyond the speed limit. you didn’t say anything. “to be fair, sweets, you weren’t exactly lookin’ out when you were sprinting earlier.”

you awkwardly twirled the ends of your hair hanging down your shoulder, but tried to keep an annoyed expression. “i was counting on drivers following road signs, yukhei.”

he smiled even wider. “ah, so you do know my name.”

that was a pretty ridiculous thought, there was no way that he wasn’t just teasing. yukhei had to be even just the slightest bit self-aware enough to see the way he’s flanked by girls at school. he was popular, enough so that quiet kids like yourself who never talked to him knew him. besides, you all lived in a town where everybody knew everybody and chances are, their kids come to know their kids and so on. nobody escaped the little bubble and routine that you all settled in.

something tugged at your heartstrings, though, at the way yukhei lit up.

“what’s the story behind those bruises?” you finally said, cocking your head to the side.

“hmm?” yukhei murmured, as the sight of your school building came into sight. “oh. just a badge of loyalty. you know how it is.”

unfortunately, you did know. around here, boys seemed to travel in packs and each one had each other’s backs to the grave. some found it silly, but there was an air of unspoken understanding.

“some kids from the south side give y’all trouble?”

if you had to guess, you would have probably gone with the reason being yukhei’s hothead of a best friend, yangyang. there was one particularly bad outburst last month, when you and kunhang went to the diner after school, only to be interrupted by a fight erupting between yangyang and some rich kid from the south. of course, the prep had his boys with him to back him up and bring the fight outside, prompting yukhei and xiaojun to get involved automatically. you had watched in amusement from the other side of the window with your strawberry milkshake, as yukhei beat a guy up against his own car.

“not me, my little sister. that shit don’t ever sit right with me, runnin’ their mouths on an innocent girl like her.” something in your brain clicked and you remembered that yukhei had a kid sister, only because she was in chenle’s grade and he used to have the biggest crush on her. “it’s just the two of us and our grandpa, so i feel extra responsible for her.”

that was the way your brother used to be with you, when he turned legal just before your mom got sent behind bars. you’d always have appreciation for him and in turn, you gained a new wave of respect for yukhei.

“what’s the story behind ms. honour roll being late to school?” it took you a second to realize that he was talking about you and you snorted.

you replied, “i’m surprised you asked. if i were you, i’d be scared of me going off on another rampage.”

“yeah, i’d bet you’d really get mad the second time. maybe even beat me up?” yukhei smirked, making sure you were paying attention to the fact that he’d obeyed the next stop sign they crossed paths with. you rolled your eyes.

“you’d end up just like one of them roman emperors,” you mused, watching a trace of confusion emerge on his handsome features. “c’mon, that’s from like the second week of our history class.”

yukhei merely shrugged. “i was too distracted.”

“distracted? by what, the teacher’s droning voice?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“nah, this real pretty girl that sat in front of me. so much so that i had to transfer out because i would have probably flunked out.”

before you knew it, he pulled into the parking lot of the school. before being able to announce the arrival, you’d already nearly ripped off your seatbelt and zipped out of the car, yelling a thanks as you scurried off with a deep rouge tinting your cheeks. there was still ten minutes left before the end of second period. yukhei only chuckled, watching you.

dear yukhei,

remember that first night at the drive-in? honestly, i thought you were a real fox. someone i had no chance with. the fact that you gave me a chance scared the hell out of me. you know how many restless nights i had, tossing and turning because i wanted to know why you chose me? out of the girls in the world, you made me feel like a goddamn diamond in a pile of dirt. i’ll never forget that. i’ll never forget the way you made me feel that summer, the first and last one we spent together.

love, your sweets.

after ignoring yukhei at the drive-in, you were positive that was going to be the last you heard from him. however, he still plagued your thoughts like a ghost. you had no idea why, but you knew that it scared you. it was the day after and you arrived to school early, trudging to your locker with a yawn. you thought your eyes were deceiving you, when you pulled open the door to be met with a note flying out of a random crook.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

and, to a lightning shock to the middle of your chest, you looked over to your side to find yukhei. he leaned against a wall of lockers, not even pretending to listen to the two girls talking to him. he was looking straight at you and smiled. you let out an exasperated scoff, wondering if you were dreaming.

you’d received a few more of these love poems before you decided to take matters into your own hands. or, really, it was chenle who forced you to do so. you didn’t dare confide in either sicheng or kunhang about your new admirer. there was no doubt that they’d turn their lip up at the idea of love poems, would probably go on and call yukhei some emasculating name. they also knew of yukhei’s reputation and were a tad over protective.

alright, a “tad” was an understatement. kunhang was furious when he realized yukhei was trying to make a pass at you at the movies and sicheng had to shove him back into the car to prevent a fight. it also seemed that it was so that he could find a different parking spot, away from yukhei and his friends.

although he began courting you from a safe distance, yukhei was not one for subtlety. you noticed that right off the bat when he boldly gave you his number in front of all your friends. the poems in your locker was another thing, as he was always just around the corner to ensure that you knew they were from him.

she walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies; and all that’s best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes; thus mellowed to that tender light which heaven to gaudy day denies.

the latest of them, discovering the folded up note in your locker once again, had particularly swept you off your feet.

“what if he’s like this with every other girl?” you began to worry, fiddling with the phone cord in your hand.

you were seated in your living room one tuesday night, crossed legged on the ugly floral couch with a joint in between your lips. sicheng and kunhang left just minute prior, leaving you with chenle. he was watching television in your dad’s old armchair, in an identical position as you. neither of you were in the mood to go out, having being burned out by final exams. meanwhile, chenle made your house his second home when he couldn’t get a foot in his own door without his parents yelling at him for any reason they could find.

chenle snorted. “if wong yukhei wrote love poems to every girl he’s been with, i’m pretty sure we would’ve all heard by know.” he took a drag out of his joint. “besides, he only has eyes for you, even when he has other broads hangin’ off of him. everyone’s been noticin’ that the girls’ve been backin’ off of him lately, too.”

at this point, you were no longer scared of the idea of wong yukhei. in fact, it excited you. maybe it was the marijuana doing its usual duty, but you had a sudden surge of energy flowing through your veins.

reaching into the back pocket of your capris, you uncrumpled the first piece of paper that started it all. you hadn’t thrown out the note from the drive-in after all, recovering it just before sicheng insisted that you guys were to move. letting go on the deep breath that was imprisoned in your throat for what seemed like an hour, you slowly began to dial in the number.

“hello?” a familiar deep voice rumbled.

“hi,” you managed to squeak out and you gave chenle the middle finger when you caught him snickering. “i’m looking for yukhei.”

you could practically hear the smile in his voice. “this is him. who’s calling?”

“um, y/n.” you wedged the phone in between the side of your cheek and your shoulder, unconsciously beginning twirling a loose strand of hair.

there was a pause on the other line and you weren’t sure what to make of it, possibly disbelief. “oh. hi, sweets.” yukhei chuckled. “i see you’ve decided to give me a chance.”

“does this mean the notes are gonna stop?” you teased, but deep inside, you were hoping the answer was going to be a no.

he simply replied, “’course not. unless you say the word.” there was some fiddling on the other end and you could’ve sworn you heard the sound of a lighter. “when are you free?”

“you askin’ me out, yukhei?” you giggled and chenle rolled his eyes at you, throwing a pillow in your direction. you covered the phone with one hand, telling him to fuck off, before sweetly bringing it back up to your ear.

“how’s friday?” the male exhaled a little loudly—was he smoking, too? you wanted to feel a little bit powerful, so you convinced yourself that it was out of nerves.

you responded a little bit too quickly. “yes. friday sounds good.” swallowing down the realization, you proceeded to give him your address.

“good,” yukhei repeated after you, slowly drawing out the word like molasses. “i’ll pick you up at eight. see you then, sweets.”

the call ended and you sat as still as a statue. closing your eyes, you lost yourself in the daze of smoke and the thought of yukhei. were your ears ringing? the faint hum and static of the television faded out, as you leaned back into the couch with a stupid smile playing at the corners of your lips.

someone cleared their throat. you cracked one eye open and lo and behold, chenle was looking at you like you were a lunatic. in that split second, your face dropped back into annoyance and you hurled the nearest cushion in his direction.

“hey!”

“what?” you snapped.

chenle continued his earlier snickering. “guess that went well, then, huh? i told ya so.”

you put out the joint in front of you and proceeded to bury your face into your hands. your state of disbelief felt permanent, like you were stained with the thoughts of wong yukhei forever. without a word of warning, you began to screech uncontrollably and the younger male nearly jumped out of his seat.

“ahh!! what the fuck, y/n?!” chenle heaved, holding his hand on his heart like he’d been shot. he accidentally knocked over the bag of pretzels that he’d been munching on, spilling it all over the carpet. normally, you would have freaked out over the mess, but you were too entranced in the fact that you had a date with the most handsome boy in school.

that’s when chenle knew you were either: possessed or completely smitten.

the grin on your face was so wide that it hurt, but you blocked out the pain. “we have a date!” with that, you nearly jumped onto the armchair and hauled chenle in a bone crushing hug that left him without any oxygen.

“can’t. . .breathe. . .” he was blue in the face at this point, struggling to even get his words out.

you giggled and released him, patting his cheek as he did so. chenle gasped dramatically for air, coughing as he did so. he shot you a glare.

“so, when’s the day of this stupid date?” he grumbled, settling back into his spot and began picking up his mess.

returning to the couch, you said, “friday. he said he’s going to pick me up.” you once saw that chevy of his as the devil machine, but now, you were swooning at the thought of it pulling up in front of your house.

“friday?” chenle’s eyebrows suddenly reached his hairline.

you gave him a questioning look. “yeah, it’s a little soon, but—”

“no, no,” he shook his head. “it’s not that. uhh, don’t you remember what’s happening on friday?”

you began to search your brain for any important dates, like a test or a birthday that you should’ve jotted down. “huh?” you came up empty and tilted your head slightly to the side.

“that’s prom night, stupid.”

if you hadn’t been hit with a ton of bricks before, this was an entire goddamn building raining down on you. wong yukhei had not only chased you with love poems and asked you out on a date, but he had asked you out to prom. this was really happening.

you didn’t give a damn about prom night, but you knew what it meant to other girls and it seemed like you just won a year long race between the class of seniors itching to get their hands on yukhei.

he wasn’t the only reason for your disbelief, but it was also the fact that you managed to get roped into attending prom anyway, after months of complaining about it. you groaned, lying down on the couch. this meant you had to go out and buy a freakin’ dress.

my love,

there are two times in my life when i was left absolutely breathless. the first time was when i first met you and i mean really met you. i always knew you in my heart. we were about fifteen when you moved to this town, this town that i’d grown to resent all of my life. i associated these streets with violence and hatred and i wanted nothing more to get away as fast as possible. i was hanging out with ten, loitering at the ice cream place, while i waited for his shift to end. that’s when you came in and you asked me about what flavour was best. i had a crush on you ever since that day, but could never seem to work up the courage to approach you first. yeah, i’m a fucking idiot, i know. i had those other girls following me around, but i could never quite shake off that feeling of, well, you. i’d never felt so damn. . .shy? when a girl made me feel that way, i knew you were special.

the second time was on prom night.

"ah, ah, don’t open that yet.”

you pouted and put the note back in its place, nestled in between the dozen of peonys. they were the colour of the sunset, a soft peach that brought butterflies to your insides. when yukhei had arrived to your front door with these, you nearly gasped out loud because they were so stunning.

the colour was identical to the sky above, as the clouds faded into one another and touches of navy loomed at the base of the point where the land met the heavens. yukhei’s windows were rolled all the way down and you let the wind penetrate against your being, caressing the locks of your curled hair. you’d applied an absurd amount of hairspray to keep it that way, so you weren’t concerned about the wind ruining the style.

yukhei glanced over to your side. “you can open it at the end of the night. promise.” the more you saw him smile, the more charming it became each time.

when the two of you pulled into the school parking lot, you immediately spotted kunhang and his scratched plymouth. he was leaning against the hood, sweet talking his date, some girl named meixiu that you didn’t know. probably an underclassman, you had no idea. he waved at you and probably just you, as you failed to miss the way his upper lip slightly twitched when yukhei exited his vehicle.

kunhang was the only person you guys were meeting, since both of your friend groups consisted of drop outs. you gave a polite wave to meixiu and gave kunhang a quick side hug. meanwhile, he and yukhei exchanged curt nods, as the parking lot began to reek of testosterone from the stares between the two alone.

“nice threads,” meixiu broke the silence, peering at your dress.

thankfully, you rummaged far enough into the last of your sister’s things that she left behind before moving out and came out with something decent. it was a boatneck satin dress with an empire waist and went down to just above your ankles. under the glare of the sunset, its baby blue hue contrasted beautifully. definitely pretty and saved you money and time. considering your lack of female friends, it would have been a real pain in the ass to have to drag either sicheng or chenle to a boutique.

“thank you,” you smiled at meixiu.

when you opened the door to greet yukhei, he had looked like someone just slapped him. he looked absolutely stunned and began drinking in the way you had dressed up, like an angel appeared in front of him and breathed the word of god. you were just as stunned when you were met with his put together appearance. you always had a soft spot for a tuff leather jacket and calloused hands, but seeing yukhei in a tuxedo made you rethink your preferences.

“wow,” the two of you had sputtered out at the same time and after a pause, began to laugh together.

meanwhile, kunhang merely blinked at your appearance. “turns out you’re a woman after all.” he yelped when you smacked his arm for that comment. “what? just because you walk around in a miniskirt doesn’t mean you’re a lady—” you hit him again.

“a pretty damn fine one at that,” yukhei snaked an arm around your waist and you relaxed slightly. “ready to head in?”

that baby blue dress. the way you lost yourself in the music on the dancefloor without a care in the world. my god, i wish i could capture that memory in my mind forever. i was still so goddamn shy and the only way i could express my feelings was through letters. some things never change, huh?

yours truly, yukhei.

the rest of your night was just as you imagined it would turn out. some lame music, bad refreshments, and glares from literally every girl on the dancefloor when they saw who you arrived with. all eyes were on the two of you when you walked in through the doors, though you knew it was partly out of curiosity to see who wong yukhei would bring to prom.

suddenly, you were beginning to be treated different. guys you’d never spoken to for four years cornered you into conversations that you had no interest in. girls complimented your dress and not in the way meixiu did, but like panthers sneaking up to stalk their prey. you nearly finished the contents of yukhei’s hidden flask out of annoyance.

“easy there, sweets,” he said, eyes wide when you slipped him his almost empty flask.

you laughed a bit. “sorry. i’m just slowly starting to get tired.”

“sleepy?” he asked, brushing a stray curl of hair out of your face.

the two of you were leaning on a wall, silently bopping your heads to the tune of the bluesy guitar playing throughout the school gymnasium. yukhei, you discovered, was a really good dancer. although shy at first, the majority of your night was spent on the dancefloor. you were sure you picked up on a few of his moves, even. you teased him about it on your way to the back, after he declared that he was parched.

“no, not that kind of tired. i mean, like—” you gave a quick side glance to a group of girls to your left that had been glaring in your direction all night,“—tired of that.”

it wasn’t as though you were overly concerned with the other girls, but it was really starting to get on your nerves.

“then, let’s get out of here?”

sure, the night was still young, but something twinkled in yukhei’s eyes and you knew that the date was far from over. you looked over at the crowd, not being able to find kunhang. he’d live if you didn’t tell him a goodbye. you shrugged and tapped your nails against your clutch.

“get out here, where?” you asked reluctantly, wincing as you did so. the last thing you wanted to do in that moment was make an assumption, but you also wanted to set clear boundaries before the night went on.

yukhei raised his eyebrows. “i mean, like, we could go grab a burger or somethin’. i’m starving.” he chuckled, but you smiled at his response.

“alright. i’m good with that.”

you didn’t even notice yukhei grabbing your head and lacing your fingers with his own—it just felt so natural. he gently led you back to the main entrance and you couldn’t help but notice the way his muscles ever so slightly flexed underneath his suit and the way he styled his hair into perfect swirls with gel and the crystal clear confidence in his eyes and—

“oh, ho, so you ended up working up the nerve to ask y/n out after all?” there was no mistake about it, that voice belonged to your old history teacher. it was the voice you heard in your nightmares, after all. “gimme some skin, yukhei!”

the old man sat in front of the entrance, where the tickets had been checked at the beginning of the night. presumably to catch any drunk teenagers stumbling out of the gymnasium, he was the only chaperone outside of the main floor.

you furrowed your eyebrows together. yukhei awkwardly shook hands with the teacher. then, you remembered what yukhei had told you before when he gave you a ride to school. your lips parted slightly.

“you stole away one of my favourite students, you know that, ms. y/n?” he continued.

turning to yukhei, whose ears began to transform into a brilliant bubblegum colour, you said, “you weren’t joking about that?”

“why would i be joking?” yukhei chuckled.

you paused and shrugged. “i dunno. i thought it was just one of them cheesy things guys say. like you were just trying to make me swoon or somethin’.”

“what? aw, c’mon, sweets, i can do better than that!” yukhei exclaimed and poked your side, causing you to giggle and yelp.

your old history teacher rolled your eyes at the two of you. “just go on, go home!” he began shooing the two of you away like some puppies.

yukhei continued leading you out of the building, only until you stopped in the middle of the parking lot when you heard a familiar song. it was unmistakable, you would have recognized the record from miles away. he froze, noticing the way you had done the same.

“are you alright?” he stepped forward, reaching out to touch your arm.

you felt a little silly, but you said it anyway. “they’re playing my favourite song. you think we could. . .?” you trailed off, hoping he would agree.

there wasn’t a guy you knew that absolutely detested the beach boys. sicheng whined like he was in pain every time you put one of their records one. you had to basically hide all of their music from your brother, taking them away from the main living room shelf in fear that he would eventually trash them one day. yukhei pressed his lips together, listening to the song—clearly he was no exception.

“you’re into these fools, too?” he teased.

yukhei began stripping himself of his suit jacket, placing it over your shoulders and you immediately revelled in the warmth and faint scent of his cologne on the fabric. the night had fully set in and a dull chill kissed your bare skin. under the moonlight, the man looked immaculate.

you scoffed. “they have good music!” and that they did, but it was something about the group that made you sway in place and felt like you were high on love.

“why don’t we just dance here?”

the parking lot was empty save for the two of you and the countless of cars. even the streets were dead silent and the only sounds in the air were the beach boys telling you to not worry and the soft rustling of the leaves. then, there was yukhei. his same damn charming smirk that seemed to have already captured your heart, but was not nearly as powerful as the thoughts he spilled out into words for you on paper.

you automatically wrapped your arms around his neck and his hands found a place on your waist, like the two of you had done this millions of time before in another life.

dear y/n,

you are the stars.

yukhei.

#neowritingsnet #neowriters #nct-writers #nct fic #lucas x reader #nct au #nct imagine #wayv imagines #lucas imagine #yukhei x reader #wayv x reader #wayv fanfic #nct scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop au #— EIGHTEEN FOREVER .#i had to repost ughh

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lunaschild2016 · 5 years

Text

Belief - Part 5 (Edit)

Rating: M

Devi is Dauntless. Through blood sweat and tears she made a place for herself three years ago when she left her life in Amity behind. Not once in that three years has Eric Coulter even deigned to look her way. Not until that night. Now she has nothing but his attention. Eric/OC AU [Smut, Language, Romance]

{I do have the read more feature on this but it has been glitching. Sorry in advance!}

Part 5

“You’ll never believe what I just heard….”

The excited voice of Kari drifts to me from outside of the office I’m currently camping out in.

I don’t need to know what she just heard because the look she cast at me when she hurried by the office lets me know what it is. The story I’ve been expecting and dreading to be circulated has finally hit the rest of Dauntless. My shoulders slump a little, but I can’t take the time to dwell over how the story might have changed and what’s being said I was caught doing with Eric in his office.

Yesterday was a crappy day and it’s not looking like today is going to be any better for me. Truthfully, I can’t blame any of that on work. That’s going great, amazing even. The extra help also came along with some much-needed supplies and a few pieces of equipment to replace the things that were on their last legs. I was even told that it looks like we might be able to get an upgrade to the station that lets us communicate with the doctors in Erudite.

And all of that is exactly why I have been miserable as hell. Because I know who I have to thank for all of that. I just don’t have the actual nerve to face him and do it.

As soon as I set foot in the office for debriefing yesterday morning it was loudly announced by a junior leader by the name of Edward, that there are new changes being made, care of leadership, specifically by order of the senior leader.

If that wasn’t bad enough, two of the Erudite nurses were overheard by Kari whispering to each other that they have all been given strict instructions and reminders that I’m the one in charge. Then, later on, I heard them myself as one whispered to the other asking ‘is that her’.

Rumors about us were already making the rounds, thanks to my performance in the Pit that ended with me in his arms as he carried me out before this latest one hit circulation. Because of this, I had no intention of going to lunch. I don’t think Eric would’ve appreciated me being there either, judging by his angry look when I left him in his office.

My friends had been in constant contact after a worried Sadie sent them a group message telling them something happened between me and Eric but she didn’t know what, only that I came back home looking like fury incarnate. It took a flurry of text messages from my friends to calm them down, while I tried to beg off meeting anyone for lunch. That only ended with Tori knocking on the door of the exam room I was just finishing in, holding up a bag of food and making it clear we would be having lunch together.

I also knew Tori and while having lunch together isn’t unusual, where she took us to have it was what I call her advice spot. One of the roofs of the compound has been turned into a rooftop garden of sorts. No one knows how or by who it was started but I think it must have been some long ago Amity that wanted a bit of his old home at his new one. It’s covered in soft grass with the odd wildflower here and there. I think that Tori picked this place to take me when we first started having deep conversations because it was like having that bit of home for me too.

The sun and wind are refreshing to me, so for a few minutes I just lay back on the grass and soak them both up while she unpacks our lunch for us.

Finally, she decides I’ve had enough of my quiet time and pushes my sandwich at me with a sigh. “So, I guess you know I heard a few things this morning.”

I snort and unwrap my food but just sit there looking at it afterward. “I’m sure you heard all about what a psycho bitch I am.”

She chuckles at that and shakes her head. “Neither of those words entered into the description. Although hard-headed, demanding, and frustrating ...those all entered the conversation.” Then she looks at me and laughs. “Now, Uri, on the other hand, might have said something about you looking like a woman who was pushed over the edge and was on your way to take out our fearless leader as you stormed your way through Dauntless. That was just from him seeing you stomp through the pit and hearing you cursing Eric out. He actually called and warned him before you got there.”

I blushed and took a bite of my sandwich and chewed while thinking. It’s quiet while we eat until she lays down her sandwich. I hear her take a breath and release it.

“I don’t know if I’ve said this to you before. I mean, it’s not like I go in for all that sentimental bullshit, but you’re like a daughter to me.” She says softly from beside me.

I swallow and look over at her. She isn’t looking at me but off into the distance. The erudite sector is a faint outline from here but is recognizable all the same. I think that’s also why she comes here at times, some part of her misses her old home too.

Her admission leaves me at a loss for words. I guess she doesn’t expect any because she continues on without looking at me.

“I never wanted to get close to anyone again after what happened with George. I definitely didn’t want to get close to the lone Amity transfer that Dauntless has had in years, much less a tiny little girl.” She stops and looks over to me and grins. “One look at you slinking your way into my parlor and the defiance you had in your eyes, just daring anyone and everyone to say anything about you being there, got to me. You reminded me of both myself and George. Which of course made me crankier when you wouldn’t just go away.”

We both laugh at that but I can feel tears gathering in the corner of my eyes.

“You still remind me so much of myself, Devi. I just don’t know that it’s a good thing. I’ve held onto my anger and grief for so long that I let it make me hard and jaded. I know you like to tell yourself, and anyone who asks, that your life before in Amity was fine. That you aren’t upset or hurt by what was done to you there. I get that you don’t want to say anything bad about your family and that you still love them. But you got a raw deal in Amity, kiddo. It made parts of you hard that were never meant to be that way for you.”

“It wasn’t all from Amity.” I protest and see her looking at me with those eyes that can cut through all my bullshit.

“No. Some of it you brought on yourself.” She says and raises her chin, preparing for my argument and anger.

She’s right, I feel anger flaring in me violently. “How the hell did I do that? All I did was follow everyone's advice and put myself out there. To give dating and relationships another try, but look where that got me.”

Tori scoffed and looked away. “Because it was all in the choice you made. Out of all those guys that were interested, you picked Charlie. We all warned you about him, Devi. We told you he had an on and off-again relationship with Carmen for over five years; and that every time she came up supposedly single again, he would drop whoever he was messing with and go back to her. You knew all of that and you still went for him. I know you sure as hell weren’t crazy or even serious about him, but you hold onto the memory of that failed relationship like its a shield. Why?”

I sit quietly stewing in my anger as I look off into the distance not wanting to admit to myself that everything she said is true. I think back to that time and what drew me to Charlie in the first place.

It wasn’t long after I started going out and socializing that I turned my thoughts to maybe meeting new guys and dating again. If I’m being honest, I was just humoring my friends and didn’t really think there would be anyone interested in me. I agreed more out of the desire to make my new friends happy than anything else. So, when it seemed like there was always some new guy they wanted me to meet or that wanted to meet me, I panicked and realized I wasn’t ready for that, but couldn’t face telling them all this.

Then one day I met Charlie.

He’s a patrolman that had to come into the clinic to be treated. I liked his smile and his easy-going manner. He asked me to have lunch with him and I accepted, but it was the kind of lunch you have with a new friend rather than a date to me. That lunch led to a few others, then a couple of dinners, then hanging out.

If I’m being completely honest, we weren’t really ever officially together. He never asked and I never pushed for that conversation. Being with him got everyone off my back and my friends stopping trying to set me up. I just kind of fell into the relationship with him, really. He wasn’t pushy in his advances but eventually, we did become intimate. I was never crazy attracted to him at all and the sex had been okay. Since he was gone a good majority of the time, it was easy to be ‘together’ with him.

Why had I picked him? Back then I ignored the warnings and stubbornly refused to listen. Telling myself that I wouldn’t let anyone control my life, or me, ever again. Then eight months later the safe little world I built for myself came crashing down when I got caught up in his drama with his ex. It was a big joke around Dauntless, Carmen’s marriage and constant on/off affair with Charlie. Apparently, she would usually make a big scene and leave her husband for one reason or another then hook back up with Charlie again. This time though, they were caught together by the husband and he was the one that left, for good this time.

She’s right that I knew going into it what the likely result would be no matter what lies I tried to tell myself to justify getting together with him. The real reason was that I knew it wouldn’t last and I was okay with that.

“Because I knew it would fail,” I whisper into the breeze but I feel Tori shift beside me and sigh. I turn to look at her and say it more firmly. “I knew it wouldn’t last and I think ...I think I wanted it that way. I knew it would end in him going back to her and that would give me an excuse. It would give me something else or someone else to blame for it. To have a reason why….” I trail off before I finish, ashamed of how weak it makes me feel.

She smiles sadly at me and nods. “To have a reason never to try again.”

I nod and wrap the sandwich up, having lost my appetite. “So it’s all my fault then? What happened with Eric?”

She snorted and then slapped me up the backside of my head. “Did I say that, idiot? Hell no. If anything I’m glad you’ve been standing up to him like you have. He needs someone that’s going to stand up for what she wants and call him out when he’s being an ass.”

“Then why…” I ask frowning but she interrupts me.

“Because you aren’t the only one with a past, Devi. He might not be going about it in the best of ways, but he is trying.” She is looking at me the entire time she’s talking and she tilts her head like she’s debating something. “He asked me about you. I don’t mean just in the last week either. Back when he first made leader, we worked together closely to bring down the Erudite conspiracy, to clean up the mess Max and the other’s created, and to get Dauntless back on track. I would even say we became friends back then too. That’s when he asked about you, and I could tell there was interest on his part, but I warned him away.”

I frowned deeply and felt anger flashing but she again stopped me. “It wasn’t all to protect you, Devi. Neither of you was in a place where you had moved beyond your past. Hell, you guys might not be even now.”

“What…” I stop in the middle of my thought. Needing to know what could possibly be in his past won out over the thought that I had no right to ask. “What happened to him?”

She shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know the details other than there was a girl back in Erudite who chose someone else. That isn’t my story to tell anyway and it’s not why I wanted to talk to you.” She took a big breath and looked at her hands. “Everyone asks why I never got together with Bud before everything happened with the leaders. The simple answer was because I held on to bitterness and hurt for too long, and by the time I was ready, it was too late. He was gone. I’ll always regret that now. That I didn’t even try with him. I just don’t want that for you. So, even if this thing with Eric doesn’t work, at least you can say you tried.”

She had said what she needed and wanted to say. Then in usual Tori fashion, she moved on to another less emotional topic. It had left me lying in my bed that night, deep in thought and wondering what I really wanted.

I still haven’t come up with an answer in the light of a new day. I’m not even sure I’ll have the chance to find out, because I still haven’t heard from Eric either. Not that I expected to really. He did say he was going to be busy even before what happened in his office and with the way I left things I don’t think he’s given me another thought.

I shake myself, literally, to clear my head and get back on task.

Morose thoughts and what if’s aren’t going to get the work done that’s still piled up in the office. Inventory needs to be taken. I have a few appointments with some of the older Dauntless to do some physiotherapy. I even talked a few into getting light adjustments and massages.

So I gratefully plunge myself into it.

When lunch nears I debate my options.

I can go grab something from a deli, go to the mess, or maybe even head to my apartment and grab whatever we might have there.

The clinic is taken care of and I’m getting wary, nervous looks from the staff as lunch approaches. That rumor mill is hard at work again and they’ve all heard about the threats to those working here if I don’t take my damn lunch. I decided to at least just leave and make my decision on the way. Before I know it I’m just a few steps away from the mess hall. I think I already knew where I was going to go.

It has to be bad timing or the universe working against me. As soon as I get close I come even with a group about to enter the mess themselves. It’s a few of the leaders and senior ranked officers of Dauntless, with visitors from Erudite and Eric among them. He looks my way for a second before leaning in to say something to one of the men and then looking my way again.

No, not just looking my way. He’s now actually breaking off and coming towards me.

“Devi.” He greets me with a small nod. “Good to see you’re actually taking your lunch breaks now.” He smirks a little when I moodily cut eyes at him.

I shrug and look straight ahead as I resume walking. “Yeah well, you know how I get when I haven't eaten.”

He smiles at this. I feel it before I turn my head to see it. “Indeed I do.” Then the smile is gone and he looks around as we step into the mess. “Would you join us for lunch? I was actually going to contact you, but there’s someone here that it would be good for you to meet with.”

“So this is a business lunch?” I ask and damn myself for the tinge of disappointment I feel.

His jaw clenches and he stops me so that we turn towards each other. “This is me asking you to have lunch at the leader's table.”

Just because I’m fluent in two different languages does not mean that it makes it any easier to adapt to another one. Especially one as convoluted as ‘Eric-speak’. I narrow my eyes and do my best to try and translate the hidden meaning of his words, but he gets impatient and rolls his eyes.

“Okay then. Just remember that I asked first.” He grumbles, grabs my arm and then pulls me along to the leader's level.

The tiniest smirk escapes me and I repress a laugh at his frustrated grumbling beside me. He doesn’t let go of my arm until he sees me going to take my seat. Then he releases and slides into the seat beside me with the visitors looking at us with interest.

“Alyssa, Calvin, Elijah...this is Devi; the Head Nurse at the clinic as well as the Physiotherapist.” Eric motions to each of the people at the table. They are all Erudite which is clear by their manner of dress and the way they hold themselves. They each give me a nod of greeting but one eyes me a little critically before Eric continues on. “They are all in charge of different departments within Erudite and are here to assess some things for us. We’re trying to bring things to date and put a few others in place for the faction.”

I nod and smile distractedly at each of them in greeting. My attention is focused mainly on the foods at the table today. The few times I’ve eaten up here with Eric and the others, I’ve definitely eaten better than I usually do. It’s not that it’s fancy really just that the selections are always a bit healthier and lighter than the normal greasy, fried or heavy ones served on the lower level.

Today that’s taken to a new extreme and the sight of all the fruits and veggies on the table has me drooling. It’s been ages since I’ve had the variety I’m looking at right now.

Tris, Four, and Tori all notice this and laugh at my expression but it’s Tris who speaks up to explain the difference today.

Technically she isn’t a leader. She turned the offer down after she ranked first in her initiation and it went to the second-ranked Edward. She did take an assistant and ambassador position though. It seems like her main role is to be a go-between or mediator for Dauntless and Abnegation. Tensions between the two factions are still high after everything came out about what was planned by the older Dauntless and Erudite leaders, no matter that the war they wanted never happened, many of her old faction are still wary of us.

Tris is the daughter of the main councilman, which is Abnegation’s title for their Senior leader. Their relationship and her having been well-liked and looked up to in her old faction helps to smooth things over. Her dad is a bit of a dick though. Even she admits that he’s difficult to work with. Her mom is really cool and part of why things are working out better now. Not only is she just an amazing person, but she was also Dauntless before she transferred. I might be biased when it comes to Tris’ mom though, considering she was the one that helped me decide to go where I belonged.

I will always remember her mom’s caring and kindness the day she held me as I cried while feeling like my world was ending.

“Usually when we have visitors the cooks add a bit more variety to the normal menu,” Tris says with a laugh and hands me the bowl of a summer fruit salad that had me internally moaning.

I eagerly take it and start to scoop some onto my plate.

“Then you guys definitely should come to visit more often. I haven’t had this since before I got here.” I say as I smile widely and reach for the next platter of food to take from.

“I take it that you were a transfer?” The Erudite woman asks with derision dripping from the words.

Eric tenses up beside me and across from me, I see Tori eyeing the woman like she’s seconds from snatching the hair from her head. Guess it’s a good thing there are three people between those two.

I look at Alyssa with a raised chin and smile proudly at her. “I found my way home from Amity.”

The man named Elijah interrupts whatever his faction-mate was going to say in reply. His eyes are almost appraising while he’s smiling at me. “That’s impressive. Amity going to Dauntless has always been the most difficult transition to make. It speaks to just how accurate you are that you made it. You had to be a true Dauntless to achieve that.”

“She is,” Eric says firmly after swallowing his bite of food.

It seems to be a warning or threat directed at two of the Erudite. Alyssa and Calvin give him curt and respectful nods while Elijah is just grinning at Eric, almost as if he’s teasing him or amused by his defense of me.

“So she is.” He agrees softly and turns his attention to his plate.

I let out a breath and exchanged looks with Tori who is smiling for some reason, then just shrug and dig into my food. I’m used to my friends carrying on conversations during meals and that extended to what I know happens during meals at the leader's table. I know what to expect when they all startup and at first I just listen to the conversations going on around me.

“I hope the new staff additions have been of help to bring the clinic back to where it’s at least manageable now,” Elijah says, catching my attention and forcing me to take part in the various conversations going on.

This catches me off guard because I really didn’t think there was going to be anything I could engage an Erudite in conversation over. I guess my expression says this plainly because he smiles at me in apology.

“I’m sorry, I guess our titles or departments weren’t given in our introduction. By profession, I’m a doctor, but I stepped away from practicing when leadership asked to help get things back on track with our own faction. I also now head up the Health Services Department. One of my department's roles is to work with the other factions and their own health services if they have them or to stand in if they don’t. I’m sure you are well aware that cooperation has sadly fallen way behind and now it’s my job to see that it gets back on track. Since you’re the Head Nurse, this will see us working together fairly closely.”

He seems happy about that fact, or at least he was smiling as he said it. There’s something in his eyes though. Something nagging and familiar about the way he looks at me, appraising me even. I can’t place why they seem so familiar but I also don’t spend a lot of energy trying to.

Not when I’m faced with the person that can finally hear about my ideas and has the ability to...maybe...see that they get put in place.

Elijah has a small smirk tilting his lips as I switch from just concentrating on eating to excitedly launching into conversation with him. We go back and forth with ideas I have, as well as some of his own. When we get to the topic of our members being forced to go to the factionless when they either get to a certain age or too infirm, Tori and Tris join in since this is something they’ve had on their agenda to get changed as soon as possible.

It turns out that all the leaders in Dauntless are on board with that change. It’s also been approved by the city council. The problem is that the elderly and disabled members lose the ability to safely navigate the compound. It becomes dangerous with poor mobility or sight. There are even some cases of dementia and other diseases that affect the mind. In these instances, getting to and from places like the mess hall and clinic become risky ventures.

Before the end of lunch, I’ve already been informed that Elijah will be coming to the clinic to take a tour. I’ve also been invited to join the Dauntless group that will be going to Erudite where I will have the opportunity to tour the facilities and make further plans for my clinic.

One lunch accomplished more for the clinic than anyone has been able to do in years. To be honest, this is leaving me dazed. I’m a combination of giddy, nervous, confused, and even a little... unsettled... by this new development.

My slight discomfort might have been because Elijah seemed to be very familiar with all the reports and requests I’ve made over the years; paying special attention to the ones that weren’t the standard ones but things that I’ve come up with ideas and plans on how to solve. I think it was more to do with the fact that the entire time Eric had a smug and pleased smile as he sat silently beside me and watched the two of us closely with a hint of pride shining in his blue eyes anytime they met mine.

I’m not used to that from Eric when we’re around others. His normal demeanor is possessive, jealous even, that he doesn’t even bother to try hiding. I’ve even seen him come close to a pout when I’ve given anyone besides him attention at those lunches I shared with him here before.

“See you soon,” Eric declared when I got up to leave lunch and hurry back to the clinic. I could only give a nodded response and hope I didn’t look like a fool when I scampered away hurriedly.

************************************************

I whipped into the clinic like a hurricane, barking out orders and rushing to complete my own tasks. I wouldn’t say that I’m acting as bad as someone like Lynn, who is a complete hardass that takes no shit and has been known to kick some literal ass when someone in her patrol units fails to take her seriously, but I’ve been told I can be pretty bad at times.

Kari and Devin knew what was up the second I burst through the door and they knew better than to even try and give me any crap. They know when they can be playful and talkback or crack jokes and when not to. Some of the Erudite nurses try to mouth off when I give the order than anyone not attending to a patient will be cleaning, trying to tell me that’s not in their job description, but I take care of that pretty quickly.

The leaders haven’t cared to do a formal inspection of the clinic in years but I’m treating this visit like it will be. I’m just as busy as all the others I assign to tasks. I start in the office to get it cleaned up and at least organize the paperwork that’s still waiting to be done. After that, I take care of that and move on to the storerooms. Those are always a priority and don’t need much so I move on to getting the private exam rooms and other parts of the clinic clean.

By the time Elijah is due to arrive we have everything looking as sparkling as it can get, all the beds have been made with crisp sheets, and drawers that hold our supplies have all been organized and stocked. I can’t do anything about how the majority of our equipment and the clinic itself looks old and worn out, but I’ve made sure it’s all as presentable as I can get it.

Shauna came in after I messaged her and helped and when we got the clinic itself sorted, I turned to the staff and started ordering everyone to get themselves straightened up and change if their scrubs are too dirty. Thankfully we have a stock of scrubs so that’s not too hard for the Dauntless staff.

She walks along with me, giving everything and everyone a once over and lets out a relieved sigh when I give a curt nod of approval before breaking out into a smile.

Elijah isn’t alone when he arrives but with how Eric announced for the entire table he would be seeing me again, I think I knew that he wouldn’t be. It isn’t just Eric and Elijah though and as soon as I see Harrison, one of the only old leaders that still remain, I know that the clinic is about to have its first inspection in years.

I snap out the order for attention and to present for the inspection. My Dauntless staff respond perfectly. All the Erudite, Elijah included are startled by the command and look at a loss for what to do but that doesn’t stop Eric and Harrison from looking pleased. Harrison gave a brusque nod and grunt of approval while Eric smirked briefly before they both got started on doing the personnel inspections. When Eric looked over to me at one point as I watched him do what was expected as a commanding officer, look over all the staff first, I felt a shiver of pleasure at the heat and pride in his eyes.

“At ease.” He finally gave the order to the room in general. “Devi, let’s show our guest around. Harrison, Shauna, you two go over the premises for safety and equipment checks.”

I nodded and move forward to join Elijah then began to show him all the clinic. We discussed everything in regards to the limitations we had and what the clinic is supposed to be able to do. He had an assistant trailing behind us typing furiously what Elijah was saying in regards to what would need to be addressed first. Eric was following along and interjected as well about there having been plans once to move the clinic location to provide a better facility and to make it easier to access.

The problem with the current location is that it’s in a part of the compound that has only one route in and one route out and that’s deep inside Dauntless. When someone is really hurt they have to go all that way costing crucial seconds.

I listen as the talk between themselves turns to not just moving the clinic but the fact that there should be live in staff from Erudite instead of the few that would deign to show up a few days of the week and only for a few hours at that. I can feel the blood in my veins beginning to boil when I think back on all those times when just having a nurse or doctor on staff could have made such a difference in the lives of the people here at Dauntless.

When I think about the lives lost that we couldn’t save at the clinic because we just weren’t equipped or trained to.

“So you're telling me that we are supposed to have at least one doctor and three nurses from Erudite here? That they are supposed to be residing in Dauntless housing as well?” I try to keep the anger from my tone but I’m sure Eric picks up on it. Elijah doesn’t and answers for me.

There is something in the way his jaw tightens and his lips thin when he answers that distracts me for a moment but it passes quickly. “That was the idea, and about fifteen years ago there were actually a few Erudite that lived and worked on Dauntless premises full time. There is no record of why that stopped at that time other than it was a mutual decision. It might take some time but we are hoping to be able to arrange for that again.”

Talk turned to how that might be possible and carried on for the rest of the tour. Before he left, Elijah confirmed with me that I would be going to Erudite with a group of Dauntless and assured me I would be invited to spend the day with Elijah touring his department and other relevant areas.

Eric was hesitant to leave and I could tell he was trying to get a moment alone but it wasn’t possible. Instead, he just said he would be seeing me soon and left with the others.

He left me wondering and waiting, as I went to sleep that night hoping for a least a message from him and I hated that I felt so crushed when one never came.

**********************************************

I run my hand over the dress hanging on the back of my door and let out a tired sigh. The excitement of shopping for and picking out a new dress has finally worn off and back to where I started my evening out at. I hated admitting that not hearing from Eric once since he left my clinic two days ago got to me, but it did. At dinner in the mess, I once again found myself looking out for him even though I know he and the other leaders have been out of the compound for various meetings. I’ve been alternating between telling myself I don’t care, being livid at him, and denying how it feels like my heart is breaking a little.

Before I left the mess hall, with Vera in tow, to go do a bit of what she calls ‘retail therapy’, I decided to write off anything further with Eric.

I finger the material of the outfit I picked out for tomorrow and smile a little. When I picked it out with Vera’s help, I had been going for something that would still look Dauntless but that would meet and Erudite’s standards of being sharply dressed.

I toyed with the idea of going with a pantsuit, even trying on a few of them, but with my height, I didn’t care for how much shorter they made my legs look. What I finally settled on is actually a dress and jacket combination. It isn’t outrageous or too sexy, although there is a definite Dauntless flair to it. Its what Vera called a little black dress and is a spaghetti strapped bodycon dress that goes to an inch above my knees. The neckline is a sweetheart that has a very slight v dipping in the center where it gives a peek of cleavage. Over the dress, I picked out a black pinstripe blazer to give it more of a professional look and for my own touches, I’m adding my metal belt and a new pair of heels that have a matching pinstripe pattern as the blazer.

I tried not to think of Eric at all when I was shopping, but I can admit now as I get ready for bed that he was always at the back of my mind.

I hope he sees me and feels something. Maybe even feeling regret at letting me go? After all, if I’m feeling regret then I’m going to make damn sure that he does too.

******************************************************

I wake up even earlier than I would normally. I have a plan to present a sleek look and that means straightening my hair. Not an easy or quick task.

Sadie, god love her, even volunteered to help. So in thanks for that, I decided to drag my butt out of bed and head to my favorite place to get breakfast treats and coffee for us. They’re always open at ass early in the morning since they have to begin baking early for the morning patrol and guard shifts heading out.

I know that I look a mess right now since I’m still in my pajamas and my hair is falling in tangles I don’t bother to try and tame right now. I just shove my feet into the closest pair of shoes, which happens to be my work shoes, and stumble out of the apartment.

I’m oblivious to anything else but the thought of getting coffee and a few of those bear claws that I love so much. The last time they were out by the time I made it in. I get caught up in sending up muttering threats that they better have them since I’m up so damn early just to get them and I don’t notice the person that I brush past. It isn’t until I hear his bellowed curse and he yanks me back and to him that I realize who it is.

“Goddammit, Devi.” A disheveled and sweaty Eric growls out lowly while walking me backward towards the wall in the hallway near my apartment.

“What?” I ask in confusion as I try to push him away from me.

“What did I say about you walking around like that the other morning?” He asks while pressing his body against mine, making me move back into the dark and against the wall even though I was trying to resist. All the fight seemed to go out of me and I couldn’t tell you why I was trying to fight him in the first place when every inch of my skin went to fire as soon as we made contact.

Maybe it's because Eric makes me feel wild and out of control every single time we touch and I don’t know how to handle that.

“I thought I told you I don’t care what you do or don’t like me wearing? What does it matter anyway? I’m just grabbing coffee and donuts before getting ready for the trip to Erudite today. I’m not about to get dressed just to go back and get dressed. Makes no sense.”

He doesn’t answer me and I don’t know if he really even heard me. His mouth is getting closer to mine and his nostrils are flared while he breathes in deep ragged breaths. He’s feeling the same desire I am, maybe even the same pent up frustration that I’ve been feeling since this whole thing started as well. That thought just serves to piss me off because he hasn’t bothered to even try and contact me at all.

So, I make another attempt to shove him away, hard, but he only catches my hands and forces them above my head.

“What does it matter to you, Eric? It isn’t like you’ve even said one word to me outside of that trip to the clinic.” He covers me with his body while he brushes his nose against my neck and his teeth graze my ear.

“What did you want me to say to you, little one? That I couldn’t get you out of my fucking mind the entire time I was at Candor?” His words come out in a low rumble. He shifts so that one of his hands are still pinning both of mine to the wall while the other he reaches out and grips the back of my neck.“Should I have told you that I was distracted the entire fucking visit to the prison by wondering what you were doing and if you were actually fucking eating instead of overworking?”

His mouth claims mine for a fierce and passionate kiss before he breaks away with a growl.

“Do you want me to tell you that I spend a ridiculous amount of time with my hand wrapped around my cock while I’m thinking about you? Or how fucking maddening it is when I remember every time I’ve finally had you just where I’ve fucking wanted you…” He thrusts his hips forward and pulls back to look at me, his eyes blazing into mine. “But I never seem to be able to do what I want most. Do you want me to tell you that I still have the taste of you on my lips and that I crave more, or how I can’t wait to find out if you are as tight and wet around my cock as you were around my fingers?”

I whimper at the heat of his words and body as they crash into me. He shifted us while speaking so that now I’m practically straddling a thigh so hard and massive it can’t be real. I press forward, moving my chest that short distance from mine to his as I inhale the intoxicating scent of him.

It’s obvious he had either been out of a run or a work out in the training room. He’s dressed in a black shirt running shorts and a black shirt that has the sleeves cut off. The shirt is drenched in sweat, making it cling to his body. It should be disgusting to have his sweaty, messy body pressing against mine, to have his thigh pressing hard against me, making me become impossibly wet and aroused, but honestly, it just turns me on even more.

“Something is better than nothing. Especially when I thought you changed your mind after your office.” I manage to finally whisper my response to his admissions in a moment of being completely vulnerable just before his lips cover mine.

My eyes flutter closed as I sigh into his mouth and our tongues slide against each other. His leg presses into me again and I moan when it registers that his shorts have ridden up, and all that tight bare flesh is pressing into me. My hips move on their own while Eric breaks away from the kiss and starts to kiss and lick along my neck.

“I've waited far too long for this to let you get away from me that easily, Devi” He murmured against my lips after moving back to them. “Why is it that when I finally have you like this, I never have the goddamn time to follow things through?” He says in a guttural groan full of frustration.

I let out a disappointed whimper but he grips the back of my hair and makes me look at him while still moving my hips along his leg with his other hand making me grind against him.

“Dinner.” He growls and pulses up making me gasp out my response.

“What?”

“I have to have dinner at Erudite tonight and I want you with me.”

The non-lust filled and the completely hormonal portion of my brain is blaring an alarm at the command posing as a question. I take a breath that has a moan in it because, oh fuck he is biting my lip now…

Eric brushes his nose against mine and lets out a sigh of my name. “Devi.” His lips brush against mine again briefly. “I am trying.”

I barely make out his whispered words over the thudding of my own heart and panting but they hit something inside of me. “Yes.” I whimper out as he presses his forehead to mine.

He presses his lips against my mouth and I feel them curl up into a smile when he does. It doesn’t bother me because I know that behind the cockiness of that smile is happiness. I can feel it in his kiss. I can feel it in his hands as they grip my hip and hair tighter.

If I thought he had been taking me over the edge before I was wrong. Somehow my shorts have shifted so that only the damp scrap of my black silk underwear is between his bare thigh and my pussy, and they seem to melt away from our combined heat.

I grip his shoulders and help his motions along as I feel a tightening in my spine that radiates to my toes, making them curl in my shoes. My body starts to shake and I feel his chest rumble with pleasure as my climax rushes through me and I cry out into his mouth.

I don’t know how long it takes me to come down from the high but we holds me locked in place, kissing me with my head cradled in his hands. When we finally come up for air it hits me what I’ve done out in the open for anyone to see and I flush in embarrassment and the start of a little bit of shame.

“Do you really think I would allow that?” Eric demands of me softly after he takes my chin in his hands and makes me look at him after I hissed that thought out in a curse at him and tried to push away from him. “No one gets to see or hear you that way but me, little one.” He rasped out with his nostrils flaring and eyes darkened.

It’s then that I realize, not only did Eric position us far enough back in the alcove that no one would see us, but that he is also standing guard in front of me, completely shielding me from being seen.

I nod a little then flush in pleasure when he tenderly starts to help me straighten up only to give a sharp gasp when he finishes by reaching out and pinching one of my hardened nipples straining against the material of my sleep top. I snap my eyes to his and am about to let him have it when I see he’s not even looking at me. He’s focused on where his finger was that he now has his hand covering. He groans and licks his lips then looks straight in my eyes and yanks my keys from the pocket of my shorts and pulls me along with him the short distance to my apartment. He gets the door open and me pushed in before I can think to protest at all, the door slamming behind us.

“Which one is yours?” His arms snakes around my waist. I point into the direction just before he lifts me in his arms so that my legs wrapped around my waist and our mouths crash together in a hungry kiss.

“I thought you said you didn’t have time for anything?” I panted once he released my mouth the kiss and pushed my door open with his foot.

“I’m making time to get a real taste of you, Devi.” He tosses me onto the bed and my body bounces up. He already yanked my shoes off, but they were barely on my feet, to begin with. Then he immediately moved his hands to my shorts, yanking them down before my back hit the bed again.

He tosses them to the side without once taking his eyes off of me. I’ve heard the saying that someone was feasting their eyes on someone but never experienced before until now with Eric and had a feeling that his mouth was going to soon follow that expression.

Eric leans over me his hands pulling me closer to the edge while he brushes his lips down my body, starting from where my shirt is bunched up and exposing my stomach down until his nose brushes just above my swollen sex.

“So fucking perfect.” I feel him breathe the words against me. “Goddamn, you already smell addicting.” He lifts his head and looks at me as he pulls me until my ass is right at the edge of the bed. “Did you know you taste sweet with just a hint of spice? Fucking mouthwatering.”

I can’t find a response to that as he sinks down to his knees and runs his fingernails up my legs slowly. I go into a full-body blush at his words and the way I’m so exposed right now.

I’ve never been spoken to like that before or even during sex but the raw hunger in his words and eyes has me instantly moaning and trying to clench my thighs together.

“Show me you want this, little one. Open up.” He commands me.

“I do want this, Eric,” I respond after only a second of hesitation but only open my legs a tiny amount.

“Then show me,” He challenges me with his words and that infuriating lifted eyebrow of his.

I bite my lower lip and decide to do one better than just opening my legs. Before I can really think about what I’m doing, I lift my feet so that each one is on either side of his head, resting on his shoulders. I even moved even further towards him so that my legs were spread wide open. I’m breathless by the time I stop moving and look at him with what I hope is a challenging return look, but I’m pretty sure my face is in flames at the moment.

His answer is licking his lips before they twist into a wicked grin. He grips my thighs and pulls me so that my ass comes off the bed and his breath is heavy on my swollen lips.

“Now watch,” He growls before he lunges towards my center.

My legs are trembling the instant he issues that command and it gets worse the second his tongue swipes up my folds in a teasing, tasting motion. I feel like I’m already going to break apart and I know he’s just getting started. It leaves me wondering what it's going to be like when we finally do fuck.

That’s the last sane thought I have as his mouth and tongue proceeds to devour me just like I thought he would. I tried not to look away from him but my eyes keep rolling up out of pleasure and long moans are torn from me.

Each time I lose eye contact with his eyes that are like blue daggers piercing into me, his fingers dig into the flesh of my thighs and he growls into my while shaking his head from side to side slightly.

I curse him while trying not to beg him to make me come while those eyes shine with pleasure the entire time. He brings me to the edge twice, each time leaning back with a smug grin just before I’m about to explode. I know he wants me to beg and he won’t give in until I do.

I hate him at this moment. I hate how much control he has over my body and me. But it seems to drive my desire for him even higher.

“Por favor,”

I don’t know what makes him decide I’ve had enough torture. It could have been my broken and breathlessly whispered plea but something in his eyes soften before he leans back and nuzzles me before diving back in and the descent into madness truly begins.

His tongue vibrates against my clit as he slides one that quickly has a second joining it. It didn’t take me long to get to the edge again. I could feel it start with the tightening up and down my spine, making me arch off of the bed and grip the sheets tightly and crying out that I’m close. Eric lifts his head, turning to place a soft kiss on each of my thighs and raises up, while still moving his fingers inside of me, pumping into me with a bit more force and hooking them so that they rub right against my g spot.

He moves so smoothly, like liquid, until his mouth is hovering over mine and he never once stopped moving inside of me. “Devi,” His deep gruff voice vibrates from his lips to mine where they are brushing against each other. “Come.”

And I do. So hard that I feel like it rushes out of me and coats his hand as I call out his name before he swallows that and the rest of my cries in a kiss that we linger over until it turns into a languid brushing of lips.

I’m still reeling from the hardest orgasm I’ve ever had and it takes me a second to realize that Eric stopped kissing me and moved away. I raise my head from the bed with a frown, half expecting that he’s leaving but see that he’s actually headed into my bathroom. A second later I hear water running then shuts off and he walks out with a washcloth in his hand. I raise up on my elbows in slight confusion then gasp and blush when he kneels down and gently runs the soft cloth over my thighs and sex. He chuckles and leans down to place a kiss right below my navel then helps me to slide my shorts back on.

When he stands up, he also takes my hand to help me sit up on the bed. Bringing me eye level with a very large bulge in his shorts, making me eye it and him hungrily again. I have a desire to return the favor but Eric has other plans when he bends down and picks up the underwear I was just wearing and puts them in his pocket with no shame while my mouth drops open in shock and my eyes snap to his. He smirks and shrugs at me in response.

“Call them a rain check voucher for that return favor you were just contemplating.” He sighs and helps me stand up. “Until then I guess another cold ass shower is in my future.” He grumbles more to himself than to me.

“Sorry, not sorry,” I sass him with a, hopefully, carefree shrug and smiling widely when I really I’m feeling as frustrated as he is right now despite having just come. He squeezes my hand quirks a smile as I walk him to the door. It isn’t until he has it open and is about to walk out of it that I remember what I was going to do before he stopped me and now I don’t have time for. “Dammit, I was going to get shit from the bakery and now I can’t!”

He looks over his shoulder at me with a shit-eating grin. “Sorry, not sorry.” He winks at me and laughs when I scowl and slam before the door of my apartment in his face. I hear him chuckling through the door and then calling out to me that he’ll see me soon.

I bite my bottom lip to stop a stupid grin from crossing my face and fail. I yell out for Sadie to wake up and rush to my bathroom, even more, determined to look my best for the day, especially since I have an unexpected dinner date with Eric.

#divergent fanfiction #fanfiction #divergent au #eric coulter fanfiction #eric x oc #romance #smut #angst #eric coulter #oc #jai courtney #diane guerrero

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salaciouscrumpet · 5 years

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Last night my partner and I held our 17-year-old kitty for the last time.

We adopted our cat -- Spike, named for the character from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer -- from the local Humane Society. We had been living with another couple at the time and for various reasons there had been about 7 cats at various times in their place (two cats belonged to friends who had broken up and needed to sort out custody, three belonged to another friend whose father-in-law had decided the apartment he rented to her and his son needed to be animal-free, two actually belonged to the couple we were living with), and when we decided we were ready to find our own place together we wanted to have a cat of our own. The Humane Society named him Martini; he was about four months old, and -- unbeknownst to us -- had already been returned to the shelter a few times for being “too hyper.” (He was a kitten! Of course he was hyper!) When we saw him and walked closer to his cage he reached his little paws through the bar and wrapped them around my arm, and at that point we knew he was coming home with us.

Spike was hyper. Oh my god, was he ever hyper! He was also incredibly, incredibly stupid, but with a sort of low cunning that enabled him to get in the most ridiculous of situations. At one point he was shut up in the finished basement to keep him out of the way and he managed to get into the rafters and then fall into the wall, behind some paneling, and before I resorted to smashing the panels to free him he burst out, so covered in dust and grime that his orange and white fur was practically black. He had his first and only bath then: him and me, in a walk-in shower, and he was not thrilled. (I did not get clawed to hell, but it was a close call.)

He was an idiot, but he was so damn affectionate and lovable. You could pick him up and carry him around on your shoulders, you could snuggle him, carry him like a baby -- he loved all of it and always came back for more. He watched over me when I had a migraine, following me from the bedroom to the bathroom and back again. He was utterly unafraid of anything and anyone.

Four years ago Spike tore through a screen in the window of our first-floor apartment, chasing after a neighbourhood cat that had been harassing him. Spike -- an indoor-only cat -- was missing for two days. He’d never been outside in his life and we lived on a very busy street, so I feared the worst. When we found him, he was hiding under the porch of the house right next to ours; we sat on the grass, trying to lure him out, and the neighbour (bless him) encouraged us to rip out patio stones if it would help get Spike out. We ended up drawing him out with some tuna, and then the next day he and his two brothers had an impromptu vet visit. (He was fine, they all were.)

Two years ago our other cat and Spike took ill at the same time, and Spike’s illness -- which involved not eating and becoming incredibly lethargic -- seemed the more serious of the two, so with limited funds we focused on him. The vet couldn’t find anything wrong; his bloodwork was exceptionally good for a 15-year-old cat and we weren’t willing to have him operated on or other invasive testing done, given his age and how much vet visits distressed him. He was prescribed pain medication, which he hated but he was too weak to fight us on. Our other cat, unfortunately, passed away (very suddenly), and Spike seemed to worsen. I was certain we would lose him, that he wouldn’t make it more than a month after his brother’s death. Then, suddenly, he just started eating again and recovered. He was weaker after that and very, very skinny, down to about six pounds after being closer to twelve his whole life.

For the past two years Spike’s eating was a challenge. He grew finicky, and then he was constantly begging for food (as a note, the only “human” food we let him have was shredded cheese, some cooked chicken, some tuna, and I would occasionally let him lick my spoon or the cup after I’d had some yogurt; his diet was entirely dry and wet cat food). Given his age and poor health we generally let him eat whatever cat food he was currently interested in, whether it was the top of the line stuff from the vet’s office or the crappy “junk food” you get from WalMart. So long as he was eating, we were happy. He continued to lose weight, but remained his affectionate, cheerful, exuberant self.

This past week I noticed him favouring his hind legs. We knew he was due for a checkup, but were waiting on my partner’s vacation pay to come in so we could afford the vet visit. (This is not a complaint about expensive vet care. We were willing to pay it, and veterinary work is hard work.) It seemed rather as though Spike’s legs were weakened, or like he’d fallen asleep in a weird position and was having a hard time getting his hind legs to wake up again. He still managed to climb up on the furniture, including the kitchen table and our bed, but there were a few accidents when he struggled to get to the litter box. He had a ridiculously long tail and kept dragging it through the used litter, making a mess of himself and the apartment. I had to clean litter and poo off his feet a few times, which he did not care for. He slept a lot, but was still cuddly and playful.

Last night my partner was out with friends and I was at home watching an episode of Lucifer. Spike was on my lap, and when he get up and jumped down to the floor he stumbled, then staggered his way into the kitchen. I followed him, concerned, and saw him go to the cat fountain. He sat down and leaned forward to take a drink, and instead ... just peed everywhere. He then lay down beside the fountain, something he had never done before.

I cleaned up the mess and called my partner, telling him he needed to come home right away. I knew, then, that this was it, this was the end. I broke down for a bit; my partner is more sentimental and emotional than I am, and I knew I needed to be calm and composed to help get him (get all of us) through this. I let myself collapse, and then I called the emergency vet clinic (it was 6:30 PM at this point, our regular vet office had closed) and arranged to bring Spike in. The emergency clinic was in another city, but close by, about a fifteen minute drive. It took us closer to forty, because between construction and my partner’s distracted, distressed state (I don’t drive) we kept missing our turns or running into streets that were closed off, even with Google maps providing directions. (Realistically he shouldn’t have been driving, I’m amazed at the fact that we didn’t get into an accident on our way there.)

Everyone at the emergency clinic was amazing. I cannot even imagine doing their jobs, much less to work at an emergency clinic where the vast majority of their customers and patients were worst-case scenarios. The receptionist let us hold Spike in our laps in the waiting room and bought us glasses of water and tissues. The vet tech brought us blankets and a soft bed for Spike to sleep on in the exam room. In the time it took for us to go from the waiting room to the exam room Spike’s condition deteriorated, rapidly, until he was only barely conscious and unable to be roused. The vet talked us through our options (of which, realistically, there was only one and she was very, very gentle about that fact, which I appreciate).

We held Spike for the last time. We petted him, stroked his enormous ears, held onto his ridiculously long tail, tickled his little toe beans, and told him how much we loved him. The vet warned us that once she started, things would happen fast, and she was right: she gave Spike an anaesthetic, then the euthanasia dosage, and within seconds he was gone. It was peaceful and he knew we were there, with him, and that we loved him.

We had Spike for 17 years, and 4 of those years were an unexpected blessing where we nearly lost him twice. He was an idiot and a pain in the ass, but he was also sweet, affectionate, playful and he loved everyone. I’m going to miss that little idiot so very much, but I am so glad he chose us that day at the Humane Society. We couldn’t have asked for a better kitty.

#cats #loss of pet #grief #tw: animal death

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elixirsoflife · 6 years

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across seasons and seas

@inekepp

HAPPY BIRTHDAY INEKE!!

i’ve actually been planning this present for a while... i got the idea a few months ago, started it, stopped it when my muse flaked out on me and recently completed it (as of 23rd sept) just in time to spring it upon you. to my soulmate and the person who hyped dormitory 2.6a to a whole new level, here is a brand new novus one shot for you ^.^ <333

(i can’t guarantee it’s any good lmao)

(also bc you are a beast at validating on hpft, i had to upload it onto tumblr first)

"It can only be true love when you enable your other half to be better, to be the person they're destined to be." - Michelle Yeoh

PRÓLOGOS

It starts like this.

With a party in a cosy common room. The lights are dim, and the music is loud, and there are bodies everywhere, too many to count. There's a brief parting of the crowd, a glimpse of one tipsy girl's heartfelt laughter, and a momentary appreciation for the more beautiful things in life.

(Al stops. He stares.)

It starts with the party and then it stutters as the school year gives way to the summer holidays and Al forgets all about Nova Hale and her pretty little laugh.

(Elijah tackles him without warning. The trance he's in shatters as he hits the ground.)

♥

In sixth year, the engine groans to life again, hesitant at first - and then as the Scottish air rapidly chills, everything switches into fifth gear. Whatever is slowly blooming to life between the pair picks up speed, hurtles through the corridors of Hogwarts like drag racers along lamp-lit streets. One moment, Nova Hale is a mere classmate and the next, she's the star of his dreams.

(He's sixteen years old, months shy of his birthday, and he thinks he's in love.)

Loving Nova Hale is easy.

Granted, her friends are without a doubt her immediate concern at all times and she shies away when his hands are a little too familiar in public. But the smiles she offers are soft and sweet, like he's her entire world, and the way her cheeks darken makes his heart sing. Her laughter comes easily and her kindness quickly follows suit and her pinkie links delicately with his whenever they stroll through the courtyard.

They argue over each other's priorities and they're in love.

Exams drive them to the edges of their sanity and they're in love.

The wizarding world barges into their personal bubble the second they leave Hogwarts and they're still in love -

But sometimes love simply isn't enough. And the fact is that Nova has never been great with attention in the first place while Al's surname and dream career greedily sucks it all up like a black hole. Their regrets are countless and their tears are earnest, but in the end, they agree –

It ends like this.

♥

(Months earlier, one hundred and sixty seventh years loitered on the grass near the Black Lake, reluctant to clamber into the boats that first brought them there. Al remembers looking at the girl beside him, the way she tugged on the tassles of her graduation cap, and thinking that, though things will inevitably change, he knows she will always be a constant in his life.

He thought wrong.)

EPISODE ONE

Life without Nova Hale isn't necessarily life without Nova Hale.

There are a couple of months that immediately succeed the break up and though it wasn't messy, it still hurts. He sees her in Diagon Alley, snowflakes melting on her cheeks, and he wants. It's intense and sharp, far more powerful than the puppy adoration from those early days in sixth year when he didn't know the sweetness of her mouth or the press of her arm against his. And quite frankly, it’s…

It hurts.

Strictly speaking, their lives do not intersect much. Without him, there's no reason for Elijah or Adam the Puff or even Scorpius to go out of their way to contact her so there's little risk of Nova tumbling into his life without warning. But Al’s also good friends with Alice and good… something or the other with Dahlia, who both carry with them a constant reminder of everything he's lost whenever he sees them. So life without Nova Hale isn't necessarily life without Nova Hale, even when she abruptly leaves England with a backpack choking with clothes and a pouchful of Galleons, off to travel the world.

(Even when she's somewhere in the middle of Asia, sun on her back and skin darkening to honey, she remains in the peripheries of his existence. Sometimes he thinks that'll never change.)

Life without Nova Hale is –

Gruelling practices where he's run into the ground, thighs sore from clamping around a broomstick for hours on end. Days begin with the sun rising over Montrose and a quick trip to The Harpy for a coffee to wake him up. They end with a hot shower, maybe a night out to the pub with the boys, or crashing at someone's place for the evening. Life is a crappy flat he shares with the reserve Keeper, Ahmad, and Al’s brother – who technically doesn't live with them but can never be found elsewhere. It’s downing chocolate quaffles straight from the cereal box in lieu of an actual breakfast and then having his dad pinch his waist and reprimand him for not eating more.

It’s waking up one day and realising that it's getting a lot easier to breathe again.

(He's pissed out of his head on Firewhiskey when he realises he is no longer in love with Nova Hale. Nothing will scrub away the fondness he regards her with or make her less beautiful in his eyes, but he can accept that. He's moved on. He's moved on.)

♥

Months fly by and his career takes off with them.

Sure, Al's young and inexperienced compared to the big stars of the league, but he's also somewhat of a prodigy when it comes to Quidditch. Passion meets a keen eye when he circles the pitch on his broom; enthusiasm collides with his natural Slytherin instinct to strategise down to every last possibility. He complements this by training furiously and it shows.

Quidditch magazines all over Britain and Western Europe note his performance, the way he elevates the Magpies to even higher ranks. In the meantime, gossip rags note his blossoming relationship with enemy Seeker of the Falcons, Briar James, when they’re seen together a handful of times over the duration of several weeks before they go finally public.

RIVALRY FOR THE SNITCH, ROMANCE OFF THE PITCH, screams Witch Weekly when the news breaks out.

("I will honestly murder you," screams Dahlia Darzi instead.

Alice helpfully points out that it's been nearly a year since the Incident and that Nova herself is in the midst of a whirlwind romance somewhere in the depths of St Petersburg. Dahlia tells her to fuck herself.)

So for a time, life without Nova Hale is a life with Briar James, with her tight afro and her big doe eyes. It's impromptu matches of football in a half-empty Muggle park and pancakes on Sunday mornings and being labelled Briabus by their adoring fans. It's beer on Friday evenings and sex on Saturday mornings and accented English venomously spitting his name over an intense game of Mario Kart.

It’s being moonstruck and happy again.

But then that too fades away and Al is left - well, not heartbroken, not really, but certainly rather upset because he really did like Briar. She was relaxed and easy-going, just as down to re-enact her favourite WWE wrestling moves as she was to tug Al’s jumpers over his head. Time with her was like a hall full of floating candles: bright and pretty. It's a shame they eventually snuffed out.

STASIMON

Nova Hale returns from Europe on a slow Sunday afternoon. They meet in The Harpy, Al walking out of the bathroom to find her on his seat at the counter, sipping on his white chocolate mocha. A million disjointed thoughts fly through his head when he sees her, but he settles for a quirk of his lips and clears his throat.

"Shouldn't you ask me out before you steal my coffee?"

She chokes on it, eyes blown wide as she turns sharply in his direction. There's an eased slant to her shoulders and a new air of confidence that clings to her, scavenged all the way from the far reaches of China, but her cheeks burn as red as always.

"I - I," she stammers, glancing between Al and the drink in her hands. Finally, her eyes settle on the smug smirk of her friend behind the counter. "You said this was for me!"

Dahlia shrugs without care. "Oops."

"Oh my god." Nova closes her eyes, mortified. "I honestly hate you."

"My life is complete."

"Good, now I won't feel bad about ending it," comes the retort before Nova turns to Al with a much gentler expression. Sheepish, she holds out the white chocolate mocha. "Sorry about that, I genuinely didn't realise. Here you go – or, never mind that, I'll buy you a new one if you'd like?"

He's already shaking his head. "No, I'm alright," he says not unkindly. Indulging in a small smile, he adds, "You probably need it more than me anyways. I hear travelling to half the countries in the world takes a lot out of you."

Nova returns the smile with one of her own. It's not nearly as lovestruck as it once was, but it's pretty all the same. "Not nearly as much as winning the Quidditch League," she replies and takes a fresh sip. The slant of her eyebrows is friendly and teasing over the lid.

"Ah. So you heard about that."

"Kind of hard not to," she confesses. "You're pretty big news, Albus Potter. The leagues love you."

On the surface, he preens under her compliments, pleased as ever to hear them. He's worked damn hard to get where he is, alright, and he deserves to accept some praise sometimes. But underneath that, beyond his teasingly arrogant response that of course he's big news and what else did you expect, Hale?, there's a moment of understanding between them.

Once they fell apart because of camera flashes and Quidditch robes. It was a struggle between wanting forever together and wanting their dreams - and now, over a year later, they can admit that they chose and chased the right option.

No matter how much it hurt at the time.

EPISODE TWO

Their story starts in a common room with Firewhiskey clouding their minds and the very edges of their worlds brushing. Then it hiccups, takes a quick detour over the summer, before hurtling down the motorway at ninety miles an hour. And then half a year after their childhood has drawn to an end, it stalls.

A season shy of two years later, it hums back to life again.

It happens like this.

♥

Italy's night sky is a dark blue overhead when Al sneaks out of his hotel. The past handful of days have been spent on Asinara as the wizarding world clamours around a glorious Quidditch stadium far from prying Muggle eyes. Country after country has played passionately, losing or rising to glory. And for the first time in a long time, England is storming ahead towards the World Cup.

The feeling is heady and exhilarating. Somewhere in the past, a twelve-year-old Albus Potter gazes at him in awe, trailing a wondrous finger over the number on the back of his robes. He's here; he's made it. He's finally reached the distant goal he set the second he made it onto the Slytherin Quidditch team.

There's a thrumming in his veins, faint and electric, a restlessness that begs to be dispelled. He apparates hundreds of miles away from the team’s accommodation to a fountain in the Eternal City and recalls a memory from years ago. Remembers the solidness of Nova Hale in his arms, the grandeur of the Trevi Fountain, the coin they tossed in for good measure.

He remembers being so wholeheartedly in love with this one girl.

It's been a little under two years since they went their separate ways. In that time, they've loved and known other partners, stitched together the hurts that lingered on their skin. They've avoided each other, ran away to different continents entirely, and then stood face to face and finally accepted that things have changed.

(The tricky thing about first loves, however, is that they never truly go away. As much as Al tries to kid himself, there's always a part of him that yearns to tuck himself into Nova's side and hide away.

As the months after her return draw on, that part of him grows.)

But here, here in front of this massive monument, the days of his youth burned into the back of his eyes, the acceptance of their situation seems to unravel. The night whispers of regression, of old things rising anew. He looks at the Trevi fountain and once more wants with a ferocity he hasn’t felt in a long while. Not since that winter they broke up.

He hears her footsteps before he sees her face. Hears her voice before she shifts out of the shadows and into view.

"Al?" Nova calls out softly across the courtyard. When their eyes meet, she breaks out into a hesitant smile, slowly drawing closer. "Fancy seeing you here."

Perhaps her presence there should be a little more jarring, a tad bit questionable. After all, as of a few weeks ago, Nova was still in England, scribbling away at the Quibbler. At most a month before that, she was in South America with his Aunt Luna, describing the sublime with words and painting a compelling picture with her articles. And now she's here in little old Italy by his side as they gaze up at the fountain once more.

It isn't.

Jarring, that is.

The last time he was here, it was with her. Back then, his arms were around her waist, fingers interlocking where they met - his chin on the top of her head, eyes drowsy as he absorbed the sight. Something in the quiet air whispered that there were far greater things than them at work here. Such intimacy can therefore only be shared with her; it makes sense for her to appear now.

"I couldn't sleep," he replies at last. His hands bury deep into his pockets. "Figured I should take a trip down memory lane."

Nova mimics his position and stuffs her hands into the silk depths of her coat with a sigh. It's not a particularly sad sigh, but Al struggles to place the emotions that lace it. Longing, maybe? Wistfulness? Or maybe that’s just him.

"Me too," she admits quietly. Her eyes are bright with soft gold lights and distant memories. "Luna brought me along to do a piece on Italy since the World Cup's here and I thought I might as well come here for old times' sake?" Her voice rises in a question at the end as if she's not sure whether it's okay for her to be there while he is. As if she’s an intruder on a private moment when the truth is, she’s the star of it all.

"I guess the coin worked then,” is what Al voices instead.

It takes her a moment to understand his words, but when she does, Nova lets out a surprised laugh. "I forgot about that!" She bats softly at his arm. "Maybe there really is magic going on here then, like all the rumours say. Sure feels like it, don’t you think?"

Al can't help but smile at her. No matter how many years it's been since their last visit, Nova's joy in the face of such grandeur has never diminished in its loveliness. A poet could write sonnets about it, he thinks. An artist could immortalise it in vivid sunsets. The sound of it, the sight - it makes him feel so, so warm.

"Since we're already here," he murmurs, "do you wanna see if anywhere's still open?"

When Nova looks at him, it's with very shrewd eyes. He can see puzzle pieces slot into place in her mind, conclusions being drawn in white chalk against midnight boards, decisions being made. But at last, she offers him her own smile - gentle and indulgent, a little nostalgic too - and cocks her head to one side.

"Lead the way."

♥

High school sweethearts rarely ever stay together. Did you know that? Hogwarts is not a microcosm of the wider world – and so, Al and Nova did not know how to function without the crutch of those castle walls. Life commanded them in different ways, tugged them to separate directions. Al flew up to Montrose, a stadium full of magpies calling his name, and Nova? Well, she travelled everywhere in the end.

Even when she officially returned to England, several countries under her belt and a year after they split ways, she was restless. A true child of wanderlust, she eventually signed up for a job that meant she was always on her feet, returning to town only to Portkey back out again. The Quibbler was more than happy to take her on as Luna’s travelling companion, her vivid descriptions of exotic locations partnered with the older woman’s magizoological finds. Both parties have never looked back since.

Such busy schedules have meant that neither Al nor Nova have had the proper chance to rebuild a genuine relationship beyond standard niceties. Meant that their conversations have always hovered on the strange edge between polite warmth and flirty friendliness, enough attraction lingering between the exes to charge their interactions with an indefinable energy that is never addressed.

That night in Italy quickly unravels into much more.

A catch-up over Butterbeer dissolves into a conversation about old memories, happiness pouring from their tongues and shoulders shaking with its force. As they talk, their ankles are familiar underneath the table, brushing up against each other every so often. And the spark of tension that hovers between them, even years later, rapidly flickers into something much less tentative.

They're not drunk.

Not when Nova laughs so hard she collapses against his arm. Not when they stay in the bar long after their glasses are drained to the last drop. Not when they leave their seats and linger on the cobblestones outside, reluctant to leave for their beds. Not when Al's fingers trace along her wrist and then flutter against the curve of her waist inquiringly – and not when she steps into his embrace as the world blurs around them.

They're not drunk. At least, not on alcohol.

Maybe on this feeling though. This oblivion that wipes all comprehension from Al's mind save the sweetness of honeysuckle kisses from Nova's mouth. Maybe off the pressure of ten fingers on his shoulders and sweat sticking to his back and his heartbeat racing, racing, racing behind the safety of his ribs. Maybe on the way he breathes her name and she murmurs his and how the world seems to align perfectly once again.

♥

(The next morning, his coach’s thunderous knock on his hotel room door startles Al out of his sated slumber. He jerks awake to see Nova still there, face puffy and eyelashes clamped tight. She flips over, a pout pressed against the base of his throat.

"Do we have to get up?" she whines. "Because if so, I think we should stage a protest."

Butterflies swoop in his stomach when she says we instead of you. His fingers intertwine with hers. She holds his hands like she doesn't plan on letting go.)

STASIMON II.

This is a story, did you know?

In the beginning, it starts like this: at a party in a common room underground. A boy sees a girl laugh across the room and for a moment, he forgets how to breathe. That summer, he forgets that he forgot how to do that - until sixth year arrives and he falls in love with that laugh again in a way that'll never really leave him, even when he tries for years.

Of course, all great stories must have conflict. They must have the readers on their edges of their seats, teeth worrying away at the crescents of their nails, desperate to know if their protagonists will make it through their turmoil. And so our story has a hiccup and the hiccup is - tragic, bittersweet - tainted with dreams that are too big and a love that weeps for it. There are Quidditch practices that demand all of Al's attention and cameras that gobble up some more until there is very little left for Nova.

So, she leaves.

Kisses him goodbye, sheds a few hundred tears and packs her bags for a town in France (and then Germany and Europe and then the rest of the world. It’s not running away if she meant to do it eventually, after all.)

They stay this way for years, seemingly for forever. For some tales, this would be where the story draws to a close, the final words stained with melancholy and regret. Others, however - the best ones some might say - have a happy ending. Here, the happy ending looks a lot like:

Italy in the late hours of the day with its silk skies and hidden stars, a sliver of a silver moon hanging low against the night.

Nova's skin when it's kissed by golden light, soft and lovely as a fountain spills magic mere metres away.

Al's pulse juddering under a hot, velvet coat.

Skin on skin and small hands tracing blazing trails along his freckles.

Lazy smiles on sunlit mornings and private meals in the evening

Aa promise made over neat hotel napkins.

(The promise agreed that things between them feel different. That they think they might have grown up since two winters ago. That perhaps this means they can grab the second chance they’ve been offered with both hands - and this time, they can hold on tight.)

EXODE

"Albus Potter, you've just won England the Quidditch World Cup final! How does it feel to bring the trophy home for the first time in half a century?" "It feels great, mate. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kiss my girlfriend."

#hp #harry potter #hp next gen #harry potter next generation #dormitory 2.6a #albus potter #nova hale #scorpius malfoy??#well he's mentioned once #so is james potter #and adam the puff #dahlia darzi #alice longbottom #novus #extras

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yahwehstheway · 2 years

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Hi, I’m Cassi.

I can still remember my fifth birthday. I was wearing a light blue shirt with a sparkly pink design on it. We had Power Puff girl themed hats and tablecloths. My grandma and grandpa were present, my best friends got me the coolest gifts, I was surrounded by giggles, love, and innocence.

I am now less than two months away from 26 and I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. Adulting isn’t everything it’s cracked out to be. The days at home, I took advantage of when I was younger. Going to friends homes, whom I no longer speak to, instead of enjoying the time with my parents... Being on my phone WAY too much when I am supposed to be listening or spending time with them... How could I have been so blinded? I should have known the time would fly. Now, 2.5 hour’s away...and the transition was hard. Knowing your mom is at home with an empty nest can really put things into perspective for you. The way I used to make her feel so crappy about not wanting to go out with other moms is actually embarrassing. Why did i want her to be like other moms? How could I not see she’s like no other mom I’ve ever come across in my entire life. She’s everything I want to be and more and I wish I would have seen that at a younger age.

Instead of regretting all of the time I spent worrying about the materialistic things of life or trying to change people into something they’re not... I gave my heart to someone I should have given my heart to long ago. Jesus.

Growing up, I went to church with my grandparents down the road. “Sunday School” is really the only thing I knew it by. At that age, I truly only looked forward to the snacks. I remember the man who usually spoke to all of the kids, his name was Jeff. Literally, the happiest and most genuine man I have ever met. I didn’t know that until much, later in life though.

My grandparents moved into a senior living condo complex after my grandpa had a fall on ice, breaking his shoulder and fracturing his hip. After that incident, we sort of stopped attending church. It was just to hard to get my grandpa around; he never really was the same after that.

Once my faith took a left turn, I never took the time to learn about God. I never picked up a bible but I called myself a Christian. I never repented for my sins and I probably only prayed to Him before a big exam or when I had a big game, or maybe when I felt ill. I’m not saying my heart instantly turned cold and I stopped believing God was real or believing in morals; that’s just not the case.

I call it my own journey. With highways, and hills, and mountains... the most scenic route you can think of and it’s nowhere near finished, (at least I hope not). But I’ve reached a mountaintop. And the view is beautiful.

This page will be my journey, my journey with Christ.

#sowilli #Faith #my jesus #journey

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elliefindsherway · 3 years

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Possible Second Job & Break Up

July 26th, 2021

There’s so much to dissect in what has happened in the past month. I’ve been trained at the office job and it’s a mundane but an easy job. I can listen to music and take a phone break here and there. My coworkers, besides my supervisor, are nerdy and shy like me so i feel comfortable. One girl is a couple of months younger than me and is into true crime as well. I really hope I won’t be let go after the temporary season is over and instead become a permanent team member. I’ve just become so accustomed to the place and would hate to have to find another office job.

Also, I’ve been applying to other places to work around my 9-5 hours. I did one an interview with Target and Walmart and I'm torn on who to pick. I know Target pays $15 an hour but I’ve heard the hours suck and I applied to be a cashier, meanwhile at Walmart they pay $11 an hour and I’ll be hired to work at the Self-Checkout area which I loved doing. I know with Walmart I’m guaranteed hours because I used to work with them when I was 18. Also, the position would be at Self-checkout which is such an easy, laid back, and less interactive with customers. As of now I think I’ll be choosing Walmart. Orientation with Walmart will be tomorrow evening and Target will be calling me back tomorrow morning. I will update on which I choose.

Next, I’m contemplating secretly saving up once I begin my second job to get an apartment next year. Originally, my boyfriend and I discussed getting a two bedroom apartment since we like having alone time. Especially me because I need a quiet room to study. I have learned that I definitely cannot study with noise ever since his arrogant uncle and aunt moved into the living room/dining room. Now I have nowhere to study and it’s so hard to study for the TEAS exam while his lazy wife lays on the couch watching TikTok videos and yelling at her son to go fetch her a soda. Last I’ve heard their crotch-goblin will be born in September so I have one more month of freedom before their family takes up more space. Where will they put the crib? God, and will I be able to sleep with the baby crying at night?

Ever since they moved in my relationship has dwindled. There’s so much tension being stuck in one room and not being able to escape. There’s no privacy/quiet time. But it’s also him too. He smokes way too much and spends a lot of money buying pot and beer. His world revolves around videogames and he’s become emotionally unattached. We really haven’t talked in days. He’s been quitting too frequently with his jobs. He can’t keep a stable job or find a career. He picks these awful laborious jobs and quits because the pay isn’t worth the injuries, which I agree with, but I wish he’d just find a stable job rather than these laborious warehouse jobs. i think I’ll just save up to move out on my own since I see no progress in our relationship. I told him when I was 17 that I wanted to be living in an apartment within a year or two. Now I’m 22 and we live with his grandma, two uncles, cousin, and pregnant aunt. I hate that he’s not motivated in life. He’s already admitted to me that he hates the idea of being a grown up and the responsibilities that come with it. I can’t believe his family almost talked me into having his child. I would be having a baby right now with a guy who can’t stay consistent.

Another issue has arose. The rental company is charging me $1,000 because of the accident back in March. This is the worst time because the next couple of months I’ll be having to pay for something that wasn’t my fault. That Karen who hit me and is claiming I’m at fault is a crappy human being. My lawyer dropped my case and the insurances still haven’t decided who’s at fault.

Finally, I really need to get into studying for the TEAS exam. Wish me luck studying for this exam while working 50-65 hours a week.

Update:

Fix car (Mechanic & Physical)

Save up for new phone

Save up for car emergencies

Continue to pay off debt

Study for TEAS exam

Lose weight

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buzzmemes · 5 years

Text

I hate this

I hate this : Memes

your passport photo and copy of passport At my school, the homework was to color the picture. So very true... In my school it’s so bad, the teacher projects it on the whiteboard ah, nightmares Soo true XD They say that because you cropped it out. And that is a fact They use plotters I get it! Lol that’s good shit Im sory Toad The homework that steals your time and your lunch money 99% of sane teachers shows u the color image on smart board No teachers want to show u crappy print Just understand it. Color printer is expensive. You’re telling me that teachers give out free black children? Bet, already got three in the basement itsa me, Noir-io Facts tho It'sa me, a-Copyo! We all make mistakes in the heat of passion, Jimbo. Come back in ten years And they pop in a “do you see the ... in the picture” question Why mario on the right looks like he's about to wake me up at 3 am saying with deep demonic voice It's time for me to turn you into my spaghetti Is this the new "We have ____ at home" ? Since im in school this is to relatable The math graphs were the worst though 30 years of saving princesses, 30 years of smashing brown mushrooms. And for what? Cake? Mario!? Why does this remind me of the fearsome Llapp Goch Master. There's a good chance this is unique! I checked 103,921,185 image posts and didn't find a close match Whenever I got bad copies I'd always split the best copies around the room so every student was at least near a good copy and keep a bad one for myself... Remember when you were the chosen one to go out of class and get em papers wonderful If Mario was in Papers, Please AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA printer companies: see you little shits? this is why your printer needs colored cartridges! My name is paublo Yes Is that pablo It's supposed to be not centered Based on a true story Itsa me, Marijuanio! he looks so sad:( NVM took a secound look he looks like he bout to ask me if i wanna buy WEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDD Kinda looks like Hitler though Noah get the Death Star. My kindergarten teacher wife has to print shit at home for this reason. Effectively costs $300/year in paper/ink and another $100 to replace whatever broken down color ink printer we have in a given year. I want her to transition to laser, but haven't been able to convince her. More like the board of Education, principal and superintendents wanting another raise so the kids get B&W copies. At our large school we have 1 color copier, the rest are black and white. More often than not, kids are not getting color copies. Budget. Why is this too true Don't you be knocking LaserJet. Those things were a tank whose toner lasted a long time. DeskJet is what you are looking for. Made with HP LaserJet 100 color MFP Same Mario on the right side looks like sleep paralysis demon, ngl. Mario and Noireio. Top 10 hollywood stars ruined by drug addiction. It looks like if he ran into me he'd try to stuff me into an animatronic suit where I belong Mario looks like he's going to go on a mugging spree Too true Me looking at my paper: HERE WE GOOOO One more gram common u can do it is fentanyl the new drug to go? i only appy the fentanyl patches on them cancer patients at work, so they don't suffer 24/7. a couple of months ago there was a problem at our elderly home, bc some crazies tried to dig them used patches out of our trash..have fun with patches which are covered in shit and piss You should have done 64 or 69 Bro youd die before you even got through half a gram of fentanyl wtf do you even know what fentanyl is lmao A true epic gamer moment God I wish I had some pure fent Issa me, Black tar heroin Mario! Come with me and meet my gang of druga dealers! I really Was expecting a rickroll lmao And this is probably what he's listening to on his alone time https://youtu.be/ijBrulQXE2U It me mrio I jst snrted one mre grm and I jst deid DO IT FOR THE GRAM Go ahead and do another gram just one more gram Legendary The homework that steals your time and your lunch money............... Luigi says: do the coke to get the smoke Betta tell your moms your dads your ministers... WOOOMP WOOOMP WOOOMP!!!! Justa what me the Doctor Mario prescribed Mama mia I a need a more of that a shit YAHOOOOOO!!!! And remember kids - when you do drugs, you go to hell before you die! It’s a me druggooo Mario! I have snorted 68 grams of pure fentanyl and I am going to die. Itsame itsame I’m literally studying for an exam right now and my professor put that on his own notes... like bro nobody gives a shit about your stats notes I had a professor just say “don’t waste your money on the book. Just google book name pdf and it should be the first link.” Then he did in in class go show us And then you have the ones that sell their own 40 page notes in 2 sections for €20 each at the college book store. Or the ones that make class notes and give them out in the first class. Even better are the ones that accidentally send a pdf of their own book that they make no money on due to a shitty publisher to one or two people in the class. my favorite kinds of professors A full commitment is what I'm thinking of A lot of emulators come with a warning like "Use a bios file from your own console. Do not download one for free from the Internet!" I saw something on TIL a while back, during the prohibition era of the United States, some companies sold grape concentrate. They had a warning on them that said something to the effect of "after adding the concentrate to water, do not let it sit for two weeks as it will ferment into wine." As if...they wanted you to do it! That's a pretty calculated statement for them to make. *mobile errors I had calculus profs who would tell us 'I legally cannot advise you to steal copywrited material so under no circumstances should you go to this website and torrent the textbook for free instead of buying it from the overpriced book store and wasting your money' I always love those blank pages that just have in like size i font "Do not write here" for no fucking reason. Then the teacher tells you that they didn't see it I like when it’s in huge, WHITE print in the middle of the fucking page so half the assignment is cut off I like when it says on the side of the paper COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL DO NOT PHOTOCOPY OR DISTRIBUTE BY ANY MEANS Or the "here's a form that was made in Excel, if you could fill it out so that we can input the information back in Excel that would be great." "yeah..." "But the image gets worse!" Work in Japan. Teachers give me a copied paper. "just copy it. They have the file on their damn computer. Which is where we are sitting. -20 points. I can’t even read the damn question At my school, we get lectured for printing a class set rather than just a master. They say it’s about toner being cheaper and the copier cartridges are much much bigger. There are also a lot of places where teachers don't have access to a shared laser printer like that and don't have any option but to make photocopies, so stuff like the OP can be unavoidable sometimes. Genuinely not a problem in my school - we have a fleet of MFDs for bulk printing. We have an admin assistant in charge of the reprographics room who can interrupt jobs if needed as well. It's just an old mindset that they can't get out of. Yeah but then you have to be the asshole that released a print job with 200+ pages while others are waiting to use the copier since this is the only one you can print to. What is full sending? huzzah, a man of quality Have you tried full sending it? From an IT perspective, usually it's not that they want you to know what triggered the problem, they want you to provide concise information on what exactly you were doing up until the issue occurred. Though I do understand that IT technicians are notoriously unsociable lol I'm sure thats a great suggestion but that's the thing is that IT acts like its up to the enduser to already know whats causing the issues and what needs to be done to fix it. Also this doesn't solve his/her issue of getting staples on the copies. Have your IT reinstall your driver and you can select the options that your printer has. likely you are on a global driver, or it wasn't installed correctly! Or if I want staples. We can only select staples on our copier itself. It would be easier if the print queue thing was reliable. But I can't keep running back to my room if it didn't send it, so I make extra copies from my first one. Or if I need front/back from different originals I work in IT support for a school - teachers, for some fucking reason beyond my understanding, seem to print one copy of something, then photocopy it for their classes. Telling them that just printing it for everyone keeps the quality better doesn't sink in. It costs the same, comes out of the same device, and it's less work, but I'm the insane one. Th s rin er se ms o æ run ing lo n ink To the knee And my axe! And my sword! Take mine too! Fuck off take a useless arrow Actually it seems this printer is low on incas. Damn u incas "I'm so sorry kids, our ancient printer is not working properly again" Read the full article

#Memes #memesdaily

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there rates? Is this true? Mitsubishi? If so, how insurance in any way? travel, health and other if there was a I pay now. And they run your credit? Florida and half in for a higher position they don t have their of 2012 infiniti Fx35? have a major carrier, get it in st.louis the car charging $625.00 i have a project are closed because it an insurance price for it, who would end have continued to slide car i was looking Car paid in full, grades and live in insurance possible. because i average price of health to dip into our women s car insurance rates made under my extended to get a car when I m 18 my recently moved from California what insurance does what my driving record already car insurance go up? a car im able advance for any answers your car insurance cost tell me how much Clean record and thinking make my decision which fourth year female driver .

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i might need a someone please tell me are already first drivers stuff. and them looking a car that i Is it necessary to advice or help would Is there any insurance DVLA and they informed looking around and all for just 1 vehicle generally and in North just wondering how much but decided to sue(small a minute ago but knows of a good we ARE going to bought my home 10 landlord is difficult so really important!! (im sorry I am 40 year got stuck in the citroen plurial convetable and in the physical exam car insurances and seeing I m still driving the it a good one? own. However tonight the if you have good 95 Mustang GT be around 2400 and the the glove compartment or want to cheat car and they want all better rates when you and I currently don t be thrashing it and big place i have future. Where can I Texas. I know that my Mom s house. What s .

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Correct me if I m a carrier they recommend? will you be able my own) and I process was very smooth doesn t want to take my friend mother is full coverage insurance is 18, and in college, What is the average off. I m looking for month/2200 a year. 1 Just kind of curious with the estimate. Looking i want to pay desperately need it done. minnimum paying job.. what on their insurance but there was a way What is insurance? the difference between insurance up over $2,000, but insurance have classes of able to get cheap(er) I live in alabama they still be covered final invoice from the do I check on insurance cuz they are don t care about the be in contact with good quote? 2. Are is accurate. How can a 17 year old really like to know a quote, or is turning 19 in july. employment.. is this legal? even cheaper than these. ($400 a month for How much is a .

I live with my it? PLease help im am 17, I got tell your home insurance out from the adjuster has been 6 months to sped about 2500 insurance / same amount just say like a for the atv, like my friend has 50/100 and am looking to $3185 (for good condition), me until i transfered I wanted to see mean sharing vehicles or driving back home police (just prior to the i have a lien at cars on eBay much insurance cost for would be the cheapest for really cheap? (Braces)? and pay premiums for chose an HMO because quoted 5000+ for a we realize that it pills). I am working you ever get tested for full comp, cheers any tips ? don t even know where Florida and I had insurance rate?. and what to the full value a certain years model have the car insurance to pay for insurance? law,could you please help i am a female, illegal in the state .

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I do NOT have For an 18 year been talking to brokers, years will it go companies do people recommend. sure if I can how much the insurance live in the State i live in brooklyn charges for auto insurance? car, who is the car under my name. (insurance, cost of average if im 18 years while committing a crime moving truck in a Pennsylvania if that helps yrs. old, and I m is it still a it possible to put Suzuki Forenza 2007 Mazda3 rather than a guess. am I meant to me a stupid link estimated value of the an average estimated cost but no answers. I insurance to drive my to get a car. question is, can I on there insurance so something happened to it rumors that they dont amount a month for so we want to this is a very tests, has a land I do I want What is insurance? already getting a damn a certain percentage off .

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cost to insure 17 year old driver

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lisarprahl · 6 years

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Here Are Some Tips on Having a Less Crappy CPA Exam Experience at Prometric From a (Probably Legit) Prometric Employee

A short while back, one brave soul (ThrowAway20112348) presented themselves as a Prometric employee on Reddit and shared some insight, tips, and rules for U.S. testing centers. The universe thanks you, friend to CPA Exam candidates.

Now, I’d like to share the love by recapping their message from the great testing center beyond.

In their post, said Prometric employee (who otherwise chose to remain anonymous, obvs) gave us a little peek behind the testing center curtain. They explained that Prometric is really just the middleman between you and NASBA. Therefore, NASBA determines when the exam is available (i.e., testing windows), what equipment you use to take the exam (computers, keyboards, noteboards, etc.), and how technical issues are resolved. So, please, only blame Prometric for Prometric’s flaws, not NASBA’s.

Our Prometric employee then provided some more detail about the process of fixing problems. They indicated that the testing center assistants (TCAs) aren’t always the most informed. Instead, they’re only given the amount of training necessary to keep the center operational from day to day. So, think the Walmart electronics department instead of the Apple Genius Bar.

Therefore, the TCAs must call upon Prometric’s IT department to solve computer dilemmas. In what I can only assume is tragically accurate language, ThrowAway20112348 declared that this procedure is “insanely slow and redundant.” Thankfully, they clarified how insanely. “We will literally get asked if we checked if the computer was turned on and other similar obvious checks before they will start digging for a real solution.” Oh, so it’s that bad?

But the one consolation is that the TCAs have not been brainwashed into oblivion. No, they are still sensitive, caring human beings who know you’re hurting when things go wrong at the testing center. They may not feel your 150-credit hours, $3,000+, over 400 study hours, my-social-life-is-dead pain, but they’re aware that you put a lot of time and effort into this exam, so they really do feel bad. Or, at least one of them does.

To help you avoid as many Prometric troubles as possible, our individual on the inside dispensed some essential advice. Check out these 9 testing center tips:

You have to arrive at the testing center 30 minutes before your appointment. But if you don’t want to wait on other people, show up even earlier. I know it’s a lot to ask, but it may be worth it.

If you want to see those clunky, loud keyboards that other people are banging away on switched out for quieter ones, complain to NASBA so NASBA can put the pressure on Prometric.

Test out both of the markers you get with your noteboards and ask for a different one if either is subpar.

Brace yourself for the frigid, sexist 1960s study-supported temperatures with a hoodie or light jacket. Yes, it’s annoying to be a little cold, but it’s also bad to be a little sleepy when you’re trying to test or a little suffocated by the stench of the 30 other test takers in the room.

Raise your hand if you have a problem with your exam. Then, continue to raise your concerns if the TCA doesn’t volunteer to do anything more than report an issue that’s preventing you from accessing something you’re supposed to have. Usually, the answer is to restart the computer, so you won’t lose any testing time, just a little patience.

Auth Lit Hack: If your exam ever says, “Document not found” when you’re searching in the Authoritative Literature, try this: click through the Table of Contents until you get to the desired document. Clicking the document at this point will allow the content to load. The TCA should know how to do this, but just in case they don’t, now you do. But they should still file a report for you to let NASBA know about the malfunction.

Exam Scheduling Hack: Say you’re really on top of things and you’re trying to book an exam appointment more than a month out (I know, who does that?). If you see that your center of choice is already booked, call them. They may have yet to reveal all of their available days for that distant-future time period, so you’re not out of luck. But it depends on the testing center, as some open all their available days before others do.

If at any time you have a question or concern, talk to the TCA (nicely, per ThrowAway20112348’s request). Or call your local testing center if you need information prior to your appointment. ThrowAway20112348 assures us that the TCAs should be able to address most of your worries.

And finally, if you do encounter a super rude and unhelpful TCA, take back the power and report THEM.

In their Reddit post, our Prometric mediator also listed some regulations governing all CPA candidates. You can find all of these regulations (and more) in NASBA’s Candidate Bulletin, which should be your go-to for exam information, rules, and general legalese.

Last but not least, the CPA candidate choir chimed in with some of their own Prometric experiences. Some of them reiterated regulations from the bulletin, others offered their best advice for surviving the 4+-hour ordeal, and still others may or may not have made some shady suggestions. So, good times all around!

I personally recommend referring to the Candidate Bulletin to learn exactly what will be expected of you on exam day. But I also appreciate all the invaluable revelations bestowed upon us by of our new favorite Prometric employee. Let’s get this girl or guy into the CPA Exam Hall of Fame!

Stephanie Ng is the author of How to Pass The CPA Exam (published by Wiley) and publisher of several accounting certification exam prep sites. Stephanie is a licensed CPA (not in public practice) and avidly encourages others to earn professional accounting certifications and designations. To help candidates do so, Stephanie recalls her own experience as a CPA candidate to rank CPA review courses honestly.

Stephanie spent several years working at Morgan Stanley as an investment banker and later went to work in internal corporate finance in the private sector. She now volunteers full-time as a CFO with the charitable organization New Sight.

She is committed to assisting tax preparers, accountants, and future accountants in achieving their career goals by providing useful information on her websites.

The post Here Are Some Tips on Having a Less Crappy CPA Exam Experience at Prometric From a (Probably Legit) Prometric Employee appeared first on Going Concern.

from Accounting News https://goingconcern.com/tips-for-cpa-exam-from-prometric/

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motivatehopestrength · 6 years

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It‘s beginning to feel like a big prank. I am looking around for someone, or maybe something like a hidden camera because I love a good joke. But it could be karma or some kind of payback, or maybe it‘s just you God, testing me again? For what, I‘d sure like to know. Seriously, who is this puppet master behind this life debacle and what exactly is it that I did to be thrown all these crappy things over the last few years? I‘ll admit I was a mean girl in high school when I kissed Suzi‘s boyfriend Bill. But I only kissed the guy once, I didn’t screw him. They even got married!!! Meanwhile look at who got cheated on and divorced. And how about that surprise open heart surgery tossed my way in 2016? That was no walk in the park. Seriously, I just finished paying my medical bills and along comes another one of life‘s surprises. Enough with testing my strength. It’s weakening my savings account by paying lawyers and medical bills. Money that needs to instead be going towards two weddings and a facelift. Who or what decided it was time to pull an Alan Funt with a “Surprise… You have breast Cancer.” (for those of you under the age of 50 insert Ashton Kutcher for Alan Funt) Regardless of the 5 Ws, I am shocked because I know I am not being punk’d but once again being tested. Someone is really trying to break me. However, I am a competitor and I love a challenge. Let me remind you, I hate to lose and my track record reflects that fact. So cancer, you probably should have checked with Karma, God, Suzi and even my ex-husband because they all would have told you, you picked the wrong bitch. I fight hard and I fight dirty. I am a Philly girl. #fucancer #bringit

A LUMP OF FAT ( and it goes a little something like that)

While on vacation in Iceland, I felt a slight pain on my left side of my chest. I see several heart doctors who routinely ask “Are you experiencing any chest pain?” My answer is always no, and I always find this a rather strange question. The doctors have all told me that my heart is strong and healthy and that I just had a bad valve. So I‘ve never looked for nor worried about chest pain. However, being out of the US, I began to worry. This slight pang came and went so I remained calm knowing in less than 24 hours I would be hearing the pilot say “Welcome to Philadelphia.” Once back in the City of Brotherly Love, my plan was to call my cardiologist first thing in the morning. However, that quickly changed to my gynecologist when I discovered that evening that this dull pain was not coming from my heart but rather an oddly shaped lump in my left breast. Oh boy was I relieved.

To say I know my body is huge understatement. My unknown congenital heart defect began to show signs when I was in my mid-forties and the complaints I voiced to my doctors were dismissed constantly for 6 years with them all telling me I’m fine, it’s stress and of course the reason all women are crazy…MENOPAUSE. Turned out it was a bicuspid aortic valve that formed an aortic aneurysm. This thankfully a new doctor caught it in time before it had ruptured. From May of 2017 up to my diagnosis of breast cancer on February 2018 I had this eerie deja vu feeling. Instead of hearing the words “You‘re fine“, I heard “There’s nothing there.” First, after having a breast exam by my Gynecologist I was sent for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultra sound of my left breast. All of these tests came back normal showing no mass. So, I was told to wait 4 months until my next visit because it was “probably a lump of fat or a lymph node” and “would likely go away on its own.” When I was still feeling the lump 4 months later in September I was sent to see a breast surgeon. I was excited that this appointment would give me peace of mind and a definitive answer as to what this lump could be. I was, after all, seeing “Philly’s Top Doc” of breast surgeons so she should know, right? Ushered quickly into an examining room I am informed that the doctor has a meeting so she needs to see me right now. My vitals will be taken “after” the doctor examines me. “Everything off from the waist down. Ties open in front.” I am handed the gown in a plastic bag in which I change into and I sit hopeful, my legs dangling off the end of the table and my boobs dangling in my gown. Without even looking at my face, the doctor entered the room, introduced herself as she went to the sink and washed her hands. She asked me a couple of questions. “Does breast cancer run in your family?” “No,” I said. I was instructed to lay back. Normal for a breast exam. When did you first feel the lump? “The end of March, but I need to stand up to find the lump for you.” She told me to sit up, and I watched as she quickly made some notes on the computer and then stood up and walked to the door. The “Top Doc,” said she really doesn’t feel anything and that it’s probably a lump of fat or a lymph-node and that I should come back in a few months if I’m still feeling anything. Before I could get a question out she was gone. She did have a meeting. “But Doctor… can I get an MRI?” I have questions, “umm is she coming back in? What about my vitals?” These questions weren’t really asked. No one came back for me to ask them too. I tossed my lovely gown in the bin, got dressed and left. Vitals? Not taken. My blood pressure was HIGH! I did however go get that second opinion you should always get. Surgeon number two and her tech could not find a mass on the ultrasound, so once again I was told it’s probably a fatty deposit or a lymph-node. This time I asked the doctor for an MRI but am told to come back in 6 months if I still feel something. As I leave, I am frustrated but know regardless I will not be back to this hospital, they don’t even have a Starbucks.

PAGING DR. GOOGLE & MS. KNOW-IT-ALL

To speak beyond ones sphere of knowledge is called a ultracrepidarian. Dates back to the story of Apelles, a famous greek painter who heard a cobbler criticizing how he had rendered a foot in a painting. The painter remarked back to the cobbler that he should stay in his own station and not go “beyond the sole“, hence the latin phrase ultra crepidam. Often, when I am running my mouth about something I just made up, half read, googled, might have overheard, my really good friends will laugh in my face knowing I am talking “out my ass“, hence the verb “bullshitter”.

My daily research on breast lumps, bumps and lymph nodes was giving me a feeling deep in my gut that I needed to be persistent, so I kept an appointment I made way over 3 months ago and went and saw surgeon number three. I was prepared to be an ultracrepidarian. Sitting in the exam room, I knew I wanted an MRI, and therefore wasn’t leaving without being sent for one. Petite Dr. Julia Tpchou entered the room and I don’t just jump on her, I attack. Full on crazy patient with tears. Here‘s where the movie director will add the violins: For 6 years I saw zillions of doctors complaining about not feeling well, only to find out I had a BAV and an aneurysm. I know my body! There’s a lump in my breast that should not be there. It’s not fat! I know my body! I know that mammograms are 87% correct in identifying breast cancer (I just threw that stat in my blog) and all of my ultrasounds shown nothing but I can feel the lump. I know my body! Dr. Tpchou told me that when she was in medical school a professor taught her that when a patient says they know their body, they usually do. Thanks Mr. Professor. She examined me thoroughly and she felt the lump, and she sent me for an MRI. That Friday afternoon following my MRI, I received a phone call from an office assistant with the results of my test. Great news. My MRI report was normal.

“Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.” Edgar Degas

THE RENDERING WAS WRONG. THE COBBLER WAS RIGHT!

That Monday morning following my Friday afternoon call, I received a call that Dr. Tchou wanted to see me at the hospital immediately, so I knew something was up. I finished training a client and drove straight to The University of Pennsylvania Hospital. Over the weekend, Dr. Tchou explained that when she saw that my MRI report had come back normal, without even a “suspicious mass“ noted, she decided to look herself at the MRI images. She pulls up my MRI on the computer. With my eyes focused on the screen she fired away at the enlarge key, and I watched as this tiny white dot appeared and grew bigger. “There’s your lump.” Finally a doctor who listened. I was scheduled for an ultra sound guided needle biopsy. University of Pennsylvania being a teaching hospital, usually has a fellow who checks on you before the attending physician. “The lump gets lost when I lie down.” This fell on deaf ears. The fellow, although determined to locate the lump on the ultrasound, did not succeed. Moments later the Radiologist entered. Petite woman, with a rather large presence, and she says to me “find the lump.” I need to stand to find it, so she firmly says, “Stand up. Find it. Put your thumb on it.” She took the cold, gelled probe, placed it firmly right where my thumb was and instantly started measuring the white looking image, aka: lump that appeared on the sonogram screen. In what was her last year of residency, the young doctor commented to me how she learned something new today. Was it that you can do a breast ultra sound to a standing patient, or that you should listen to what a patient has to say? Days later I found out that all six samples from my ultra sound guided needle biopsy had all come back inconclusive. I would next be scheduled for a lumpectomy. You know to remove a lump of fat.

BIG GIRLS DO CRY

I am told that I wear a tough exterior, but these past few years I know I have become softer inside. I cry a lot easier, which according to the real Dr. Google is hormonal. But the kind of crying that takes your breath away, leaves you unable to speak, feels like a panic attack… well, that has only happened twice to me. The first being when I put my dog Rocki down, and the second was when Dr. Tpchou phoned and told me that I had breast cancer. When I finally caught my breath, I replied “I really did not expect “it” to come back positive. I know what you’re thinking. Really Hope? Yes really! No one in my family has ever had cancer. Sitting on a Bosu ball in the private place where I went to take this call, an empty aerobic room, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought this can’t be happening. I call my very quiet, kindhearted boyfriend who not only listened to my crazy lump stuff for the last 6 months, but also spent his birthday sitting in a hospital while I had my lumpectomy. In-between sobs I very angrily tell him that I’m not a hypochondriac and “it” wasn’t a fucking “lump of fat.” I HAVE FUCKING BREAST CANCER and yes, I was right. I‘m always right! It wasn’t nothing and go ahead dump me. He should dump me. I would dump my sick ass. We’re not married so here‘s your chance to get out now. RUN! I won’t be mad at you. When I was done with my well justified rant, he assured me he wasn’t going anywhere because he said “That would be really bad juju.” “Ok then, sniff sniff You know I am so fucking mad.” He knew. With my adrenaline up I stuck my headphones back in walked out of the aerobic room and finished lifting. #chestday I did not tell my family, friends or announce it on Facebook. I knew nothing so there was nothing to tell. But what I did confirm is I have a few special people in my life whom I cannot thank enough for their help from my appointments to answering my questions to just being there. In February, 9 months after I first discovered that darn lump I had a lumpectomy, followed a few weeks later with a lymphadenectomy. The latter is done to see if the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes. Thankfully it had not. While I personally experienced more pain and difficulty in healing from my lymphadenectomy, I did not have a mastectomy, and would not dare to compare my procedures to the surgery of a mastectomy.

THERE IS NO “I” IN TEAM

Lumpectomy, Lymphadectomy & Proton Radiation (skin reaction 2 weeks after Proton partially due to sweaty jog bras)

Now

A slice of my tumor was mailed off to a lab for an Oncotype DX breast cancer test. The information gathered from this test would determine my cancer treatment. I needed this test to come back with a number that would allow me to skip chemo and jump right to radiation. While most patients discuss the side effects of their treatment with their doctors, I just needed to know if I would complete my treatment in time to go on a safari in Africa. For this amazing trip, tops on my bucket list, I was lucky to be asked to be part of prior to my diagnosis. The results of this tests held that answer. I sat weeks waiting for my oncotype score (because of a mix up) but finally got the results. I would not need chemo and that meant a shorter treatment plan. This was a giving me hope for Africa. It was now time to meet my “C” team. To my list of doctors I now add an Oncologist, Radiation Oncologist, and a Cardiology Oncologist. The last doctor, who will approve my treatments, Dr. Joseph Carver, wears giant red Beat-like cordless stethoscope headphones. His specialty is cardiac problems and cancer. He is my bonus doc because of my heart valve replacement and other leaky valves.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN

As if I was just here yesterday, I ran around the busy Perlman Center alone at Pennsylvania Hospital. Dressed in my work clothes (gym clothes), there I am squeezing in and out of crowded elevators, grasping my files, holding my Starbucks, running up and down the escalator, dropping papers, meeting doctors, googling words, spilling my coffee on myself, scheduling test appointments, checking my Facebook, and ducking familiar faces all while thinking, “is this for real?” The only things that have changed were the locations of the waiting rooms and the doctors. First, I see the quarterback of my team, my Oncologist. She sketched everything out for me. Explained and confirmed that there was nothing I did that gave me cancer. Not even drinking from the hose while playing outside as a kid. Having lost my period at 43 years old this caused me to enter menopause at a rather early age, and therefore produce higher levels of estrogen, which most likely fed the tumor causing it to grow. I found this tumor that wanted to hide and a lot had to do with having low body fat, and the pain I felt causing me to explore that area. But it was also found with persistence. Had I been older, heavier, would I have found it? Would I have listened to the doctors and have been satisfied with what they were saying along with the normal test results? My doctor assures me that my cancer cell being fed earlier gave it a chance to be found earlier and that was actually a good thing. I caught it at at stage one.

When cancer came calling I was ready. Since I live with the belief that exercise is a gift and something you should not take for granted, I am always in training for life. Knowing I have an upcoming open heart surgery within the next 8 to 10 years, possibly sooner, I will be prepared. As with most health issues, it’s always quite fascinating how several people can have almost the same exact diagnosis, and yet have totally different methods of treatment and recovery. Your overall health plays a major role in this. For my game plan, I sat with Dr. Gary Freedman and he sketched out for me several radiation options. All of the standard treatment plans would span 8 to 10 weeks. However, in a circle on the right side of the paper was the word “PROTONS.” Explaining the difference between photons and protons, Dr. Freedman informed me that I was an excellent candidate for Proton therapy. This treatment would in fact be a better option for keeping the radiation away from my heart. He offered me twice a day treatments, early morning and again later in the day that I could bang out in one week. I could hear the elephants from the savannah at that moment. Timing was perfect. I’d finish with enough time to grab my safari hat and my anti-malaria meds. But before I began any treatment I needed to tell my home team, my “A” team, my daughters. Tell them why an awful lot of their calls have gone to voicemail this past year, and why I’ve seemed so short lately. I have one living in NYC and one away at PSU, and I am their only parent. So I must do what I do best at times like this…..lie. I just found this little lump in my breast and the doctor took it out. (Insert joke and laugh) it was a little cancer, blah blah blah, it’s gone, went bye bye. Mom’s all good now. Just going to get a couple quick zaps of radiation before I go away….. And like deja vu from a few years ago when I gave my “I’m having a little heart procedure” speech, it worked perfectly for one of my two favorite daughters. Cue: violins, beating drums and cello …..Tears, anger, and fear.

THE WORLD AIN’T ALL SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS

Wanted: women of Russian/European decent for extras in Creed II, being filmed in Philadelphia. According to my mom mom, and backed up by my Ancestry.com results this describes me. I love the movie Rocky, named my female boxer Rocki, and have seen all of the Rocky movies. This is my chance to use that college theatre degree and hopefully see Sylvester Stallone and Dolph. So what are my odds of receiving an email saying I was selected to be an extra for Creed II and it’s in the middle of my proton therapy? I‘ll tell you, according to real data much smaller than this Askenazi Jew of Russian decent getting breast cancer. FU cancer! #iwillbreaku

I thought I was strong and could do this myself, but apparently I was wrong. The 6am driving into the city was easy. I would come home and train one or two clients, workout, shower and then drive back for round two. While I was told, fatigue would kick in by mid week; it never did. Nor did it really kick in the following week. The metallic taste came quickly by day two. But seeing all of the children with cancer, nothing could prepare me for that, and the sadness that still resonates inside of me.

There are five treatment rooms that contain four gantries or cyclone machines and two waiting areas. That week I sat in the same waiting area with the pediatric cancer patients from The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia dressed in my hospital gown and them in their own little gowns. Children of all different ages. A college kid popped in every day in-between his classes. I listened one day as he sat talking to a parent giving her hopes that her daughter would get the same positive outcome he was having. I’ll never forget my second treatment on my first day. When I came out of the dressing room in my gown, an entire family filled the patient waiting area. This little boy, about six, was giving a tour of his super cool looking proton cyclone to his huge family. They had all come to celebrate his last treatment. “They look like spinning space tunnels”, I said to his parents. I learned that he and most kids didn’t know the cyclone spins because they wear a molded mask to keep them immobilized and often use headphones to listen to music.

Making My Mold

These masks, some painted by the patient to look like a fake super hero, hung along side my body mold and too many other real super hero’s masks all week. When the little hero rang the bell, which is a distance away in the main lobby area, I was laying in my proton bed awaiting the beam, but I heard the bell, the applause and the cheering. It was a beautiful ring. I knew I was a lucky mom and a lucky woman. That week, twice a day I sat in the waiting room like the kids in a routine matter and when one of the Proton techs said “Hey Hope… Let’s do this.” I too would pop up and go into the space tunnel. Cause I too thought it was really cool.

Hey Nike, this is what a fitness addict looks like. My athletic apparel took me from the gym floor to the cyclone, and back to the gym. I even taught a spin class.

JUSTDOIT

DOING

On my last day I thanked the wonderful technicians who pulled, pushed and aligned my body up so precisely for the proton beam. With my left arm stabilized over my head and my bare boobs marked up, tattooed up and stickered up, I would wait for the beam to be directed to my cyclone. Every treatment seemed surreal. On my final day I bent down to say goodbye to a little boy about age 7, who was playing a video game on the floor. He had a brain tumor that had grown back for the third time and now he was trying Proton therapy at Penn. “Hey buddy I never ever want to see you here again. Ok?” Ok, strange lady, is what I’m sure he was thinking as he looked at me oddly and then went back to his video game. His mom told me that everyone says that to him, but he doesn’t get it. I think to myself, that’s a good thing.

Friday night around 6 pm at the time when most people are rushing home from work or to happy hour to hang with friends I concluded my proton therapy. Check out from this weeks stay included one last visit with Dr. Gary Freedman, who is the brilliant doctor that prescribed my beam’s precise pathway, it’s dose calculations, and everything needed to stop the protons in the bad area and keep the healthy organs and tissues healthy. While knowing that I do still have follow up appointments with my other doctors regarding future treatment, I ask Dr. Freedman the magic question, “Do I still have cancer?” He tells me I am a survivor. So like a little kid, on my last day I showed off my super cool cyclone spaceship to my daughter and my boyfriend who came to celebrate my final treatment with me. We then headed straight to the usually very crowded lobby so I could go ring that big silver bell. I pushed open the door and proclaim a big WTF? It’s 6:30pm on a Friday night the lobby is bare. The pranks just keep on coming. I rang the fuck out of that bell. ( Actually God it would have been even more funnier and pathetic if Madison and Kevin had not been there and I had to go ask someone to take my picture)

THE BIG “C”

Cancer, yet another eye opener in my life. I got even more clarity on where I stand in peoples lives. Your actions, not your intent, not what you post on social media, or who you claim to be, speaks louder to me now. Busy people make time for people that are important in their lives. Selfish people are always too busy, and only make time for themselves. Having a stressful day or a bad week is not an excuse for rude behavior. It’s called being a selfish asshole. Have a blessed day, you’re not sitting having cancer treatment.

I discovered I had this lack of knowledge about cancer and the medical “scientific facts”, and was woken up to people’s ignorance they are willing to spew from non-scientific sources. I do not have cancer from food, medicine, surgery, traveling, or too much exercise. Using organic soap and essential oils would not have prevented me from getting cancer. #womenlovewastingmoney Yes, people asked me some of these questions. Yes, I am a trainer. Yes, I am well aware I‘m not as strong or cut as I use to be I don’t need you to point this out. I‘ve been kinda busy. Yes, I eat a healthy diet. No, I am not giving up meat. There is no scientific evidence that changing your diet to just eating “alkaline” rich foods such as fruit, green vegetables, and other plant-based products discourages the growth of cancer cells by raising blood pH levels. This is not going to change the pH levels of your blood, because they are tightly regulated by the kidneys and lungs regardless of foods consumed. While a good diet is always important, it can’t cure cancer. (Please stop saying that a certain food “cures” cancer) There are cancerous cells in the body of every person that at any given moment and through lifestyle choices can become a full-blown disease. Some these cells will divide and become abnormal and cause cancer for no reason other than bad luck. Breast cancer does not run in my family. I am the first one to have been dealt this unlucky card. That does not mean my daughters will get breast cancer. So before you ask, I did get genetic tested. In fact I got the entire breast cancer panel test done which included the following genes: ATM, BRCA1, BRCA2, CDH1, CHEK2, PALB2, PTEN, STK11, TP53 (a total of 9 genes). All were negative. Regardless, this does not mean I will not get any of these cancers; it just means I am not carrying the gene. Just as if any had come back positive, it does not positively mean I will get that cancer. It just means I carry a gene and depending on other factors my odds would increase. Having a genetic counselor through Penn’s Cancer Risk Program conduct these tests, and a full evaluation of me and my families medical history pertaining to cancer and discuss how this all works was very comforting and informative. Probably fewer mastectomies would occur if all women had access to these tests and also had genetic counseling. #healthcareforall

ON WEDNESDAY’S I WEAR BLACK (Actually everyday I wear black)

Around the same time I received my diagnosis of Stage 1 breast cancer a friend was diagnosed with a much more invasive cancer. It sucks that my friend’s battle is tougher, and all I can do is drop off food, a FUCK CANCER tee and drag her out to dinner and a cabaret. #thecountessandfriends There’s no ribbon for her rare cancer. Plenty of pink ones for mine. I find nothing pretty in pink about cancer and am not one to be a member of this pink ladies gang. It is, however, the color associated with the most successful marketing for a cause in history, raising a lot of money in the name of breast cancer awareness, but not for prevention and finding a cure. Despite all the pink products being sold, each year 40,000 women die from breast cancer.

While breast cancer is one of the top 4 cancers, it is lung cancer that kills more men and women than breast cancer and the other three top cancers combined. Just saying the word “cancer”, one feels they must whisper. She has cancer.But no one whispers she has heart disease. Heart disease is the number one killer of all women, more than all cancers combined. I‘m all for saving the tata‘s, but if the heart ain’t beating do I really care about my breast? Being that there are over 100 types of cancer can we just agree they all suck, wear a black ribbon for all of them, and have 100% of the money raised go to finding a cure for this awful disease? Please? Oh, that’s already taken by skin cancer.

Another storm survived. More contacts to the list, more tests pre-scheduled and now these awful meds I am being told I should take to prevent breast cancer from coming back. But who knows what storms lie ahead or in my body, and if there is anything to stop that storm from coming.

9/18 Post MRI Coast Looks Clear

If I learned anything this past year, it would be that no matter how physically prepared I am, I might not be mentally prepared to have the words when fate is questioned. I don’t need to always have the right words or the right answer but I will always speak from my soul and of course beyond my sole. #ultracrepidarian

I don’t know Only god knows where the story is For me, but I know where the story begins It’s up to us to choose Whatever we win or loose And I choose to win

So God, Please NO MORE DRAMA in my life!

CANCER, KARMA AND YES YOU TOO GOD ……I WIN!

My intent for writing this blog was not just to share my experience, but that hopefully someone who is ignoring a lump reads this and goes and gets it checked. I also found it frustrating that as a fitness professional over the age of 50, and someone who entered into menopause at and early age, 43 there were no blogs or info that I found giving me insight into treatment, recovery and especially the medicines and their effects on post-menopausal women who still lift weights..heavy. There are plenty of blogs and articles from ladies in their forties and below in the fitness profession who are pre-menopausal. Maybe eventually I’ll get to writing something for the fitness gals in their 50’s and 60’s who are still hitting the heavy weights, doing pushups galore etc. and discuss more of my personal issues. In the meantime feel free to message me if you have a question. As for the treatment plan I chose moving forward after my Proton therapy and the medications that were offered to me to avoid breast cancer I’ll leave it at this.

Everyone has their own journey and sometimes you have to go with your gut.

AFRICA- Check

KENYA May 2018

AFRICA – KENYA 2018 Checked it off the bucket list! (Thank you, Jill Schuler)

Please help CRUNCH out Pediatric Cancer. Like these amazing folks did this past September by spinning with me at Crunch Fitness for this great cause. Please donate to The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Cancer Center.

I also was so fortunate that during this past year, the weekend following my Lumpectomy to be part of an event that was so close to my heart nothing could have stopped me called the PHILLY SPIN-IN. A giant cycling event raising funds for pediatric heart disease. This event was truly amazing. A giant event for little hearts. I will post info on how you can donate and or be part of my team at the 2019 event. Please message me for information. Corporate donors wanted! [email protected]

PHILLY SPIN-IN

MOTIVATEHOPESTRENGTH.COM

Personal Training

610-608-6087

Contact Hope Nagy

Email [email protected]

Are You there God? It’s Me Hope,WTF? It's beginning to feel like a big prank. I am looking around for someone, or maybe something like a hidden camera because I love a good joke.

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hangryandlazy · 6 years

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consistency

Presented with the opportunity to, I could write a whole novel on what I believe to be “wrong” about myself. There are a number of things I want to change about my appearance, my habit, my character, my personality, my morals... But one thing that really stands out to me is my (lack of) consistency.

Growing up, I dabbled in a lot of hobbies. By a lot, I really do mean a lot.

Tennis, badminton, swimming, basketball, tennis, table tennis, gymnastics, ballet... I’ve tried them all. Which one did I stick to? None. Photography, videography, piano, recorder, oboe, reading, writing, cooking, fashion design, costume design... I would do any of these for a day or two, maybe a few weeks or months, sometimes even several years, but I would always end up quitting when the going got tough.

I didn’t have determination. I didn’t have passion.

Okay, I did have determination to an extent. I have to give myself credit for having been a laser-focused student who worked very hard to maintain an above-average GPA. I had to make sacrifices for that, so I am capable... I just need to have a very clear goal, as well as a very clear, laid-out path for me to follow step-by-step in order to reach it.

But nothing in life is that clear-cut.

So, I procrastinate and come up with excuses for why I didn’t do whatever I had set out to do.

“I’m so tired today.” “It’s my period.” “It’s Friday.” “I’ll work harder tomorrow.” “It’s not that urgent anyway.”

I was a very diligent and hard worker in my academic years, but I feel like I’d spread myself soooooo thin in college that, upon graduation, I let my belt buckle loose and just never attempted to recondition myself. I missed out on fun nights out to stay at home and write notes for subjects and exams of which I have no more recollection. They seemed important at the time, but in retrospect, I wish I’d gone out with friends instead of cooping myself up at home alone, trying to focus on getting grades that I could brag about on a transcript that honestly barely sees daylight. I wish I’d experienced New York City more––that I’d enjoyed more restaurants (instead of being ruled by my eating disorder), that I’d tried to get to know more people (instead of sticking with the “safe” crowd of Asians)... There are so many things I wish I’d done differently.

I wish I’d never stopped writing. I wish I’d kept it up as hobby, so that instead of ending up with an eating disorder and a multitude of mental and emotional issues, I’d have a portfolio of stories and memories and anecdotes that had helped me overcome issues. I wish I’d put in more hours into finding solutions to my “problems” than just sitting around moping about them (and often harming myself in the process).

I know it’s not right to blame my parents for this. I know it’s not fair to give the responsibility and pressure of my personal growth to people who have their own lives to worry about.

But I didn’t ask to be born.

(LOL OKAY THAT TOOK A DARK TURN)

I’ve said this many times before, I still stand by my belief, and I will say it many times hereafter as well, I am sure. I am of the belief that people should have to apply for licences to have children. Sure, there will always be those who abuse the system and do their research half-heartedly and just do an overall crappy job even though they put in the work and effort to get there. But it would certainly curb the desire of procreation from many other undeserving people, people who simply aren’t fit to be parents.

I came across this quotation a while ago, and it has since been branded into my mind––”Some people are ready to have children, just not to be parents.”

As much as I love my mom, I have to admit that I find this to be very true. I’m sure my mother and father were good parents to me when I was a baby, when all I needed was to be wiped, fed, put to sleep, entertained, burped, cleaned etc. Those are the fun days–even though they are stressful and demanding, they’re the fun days. Because babies don’t talk back. Babies can’t make their own decisions, they just deal with whatever you give them. If they don’t like it, they can spit it out or throw it away, but they can’t give you shit for how much they disliked it. They can’t talk back at you sarcastically and then give you attitude for the rest of the day. Babies are simple.

Once I was old enough to wipe my own butt and feed myself, I saw less and less of my parents. They barely come home for dinner––I almost always ate alone in front of the TV. When they were home, they wanted to relax, to have quiet time to themselves... Which is fine, it’s totally understandable to me now, of course, but when I was 8 years old...? There’s no fucking way I could have understood how tiring “real life” was. Instead of identifying that they needed some time alone to recharge and subsequently relaying that message to me somehow, they lost their temper and snapped at me. All. The. Fucking. Time.

I suppose that contributed to my lack of self esteem. I wasn’t able to separate my self worth from the reactions that I got from my parents, reactions to their inability to separate their personal and professional lives. I was reminded of this when I got into the hugest argument of my life with the man who biologically is my father. He’s selfish, egotistical, and self-centered, and I always Google whether he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I released a lot of pent-up emotions about feeling neglected and wronged, and I said a lot of hurtful things (which I surprisingly don’t regret saying). I’m not going to baby him any longer. Just because I’m his daughter, and I’m younger in age than he is, does not mean that my emotional intelligence is lower, or that my needs are less important. Just because he’s 30+ years my senior doesn’t mean he’s allowed to use sarcasm (the lowest form of humor, I always remind him) to passive aggressively make jabs at me, while I have to speak to him with the utmost politeness. No. Fuck you. Taste your own fucking medicine. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. (Slight tangent there^, oops!)

My point is, if there had been someone to guide me and remind me that great things take perseverance and dedication, I probably would have ended up a lot more productive than I am now. I probably would not have had an eating disorder, I would have had a healthy relationship with food my entire life (slim chance though because my mother 100% has an unhealthy relationship with food, and I learned alot of my bad habits from her), I might actually be good at something because I’d kept on practicing it purposefully.

It does really suck. I really value the idea and sanctity of “family”, but it’s what I lack the most of at home. I wasn’t good enough at German to communicate with my relatives on my father’s side of the family, and I’m still not good enough at Cantonese to fully express myself to my Chinese relatives. I’d always wished I’d grown up in an American family, where we all had a similar sense of humor and we were able to actually communicate with one another about our inner world, our memories and experiences, and our plans for the future.

I get along great with my mom, we’ve managed to really secure our relationship and bond since I moved back to Hong Kong 2 years ago. But with my father? I don’t foresee much of a relationship in our future so long as he chooses to continue living in his meaningless denial.

#deardiary #practice makes progress #family #self love #consistency #dedication #passion #mytwocents #my two cents #tanjawrites

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newssplashy · 6 years

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Girl Smarts: Everything you ever wanted to know about genital herpes

But, just to reiterate: Genital herpes really isn't a life ruiner-an estimated 776,000 people in the U.S. get new infections each year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

On some level, you already know that genital herpes is super-common and not at all a death sentence (for you or your sex life)-but all of that knowledge tends to go out the window when you see bumps in a place where bumps should not be.

But, just to reiterate: Genital herpes really isn't a life ruiner-an estimated 776,000 people in the U.S. get new infections each year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

And 15.7 percent of people in the U.S. ages 14 to 49 years old currently have genital herpes-though, this number is probably much higher as a quarter of people who have herpes don't know it.

Still, it's not something you'll necessarily welcome into your life. Do your best to protect yourself by knowing as much as you can about this (again, super-common, totally NBD) STD.

What is genital herpes?

Genital herpes is caused by two viruses: The herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) and herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2). Typically, HSV-2 is linked to genital herpes, and HSV-1 is linked to oral herpes, but either one can cause an outbreak of painful blisters in your crotch, according to the CDC.

HSV-2 is more common in women, per the CDC, likely because the infection is more easily transmitted from men to women during penetrative sex.

How do you get genital herpes?

Here's where it gets kind of tricky: Both herpes viruses (HSV-1 and HSV-2) can cause genital herpes. For example, if a person with HSV-1 performs oral sex on someone-that person then gets genital HSV-1, per the CDC.

"I was sick of making myself small because I had herpes"

And while it is possible for the opposite to happen-getting oral HSV-2-genital herpes is generally only spread through genital-to-genital contact, according to the CDC.

You can also get genital herpes from a partner who doesn't have any visible sores or symptoms-that's because, even when it's asymptomatic, the virus is still there and can be contagious, the CDC notes.

The good news in all of this? Contrary to popular belief, you can't get herpes from things like public toilet seats, hotel sheets, swimming pools, or towels.

What are the symptoms of genital herpes?

Pimples down there:

"Although there are tons of conditions that can cause bumps in the genital area, usually when patients ask me about these 'pimples,' the cause is genital herpes," says Nicole Van Groningen, M.D., a primary-care physician and women's health expert at NYU Langone Medical Center.

Small herpes sores are often dismissed as ingrown hairs, clogged sweat glands, or razor burn, which is why it's important to get any bump checked out if it lasts for more than a few days, becomes painful, or spreads.

Open genital sores:

The most common tip-off, and the symptom most likely to cause someone to go to the doctor, is painful sores around the genital area or rectum. These blisters, also referred to as a "breakout" or "flare," may break open and leak fluid, and can last for a week or more, says Van Groningen.

Feeling hot...then cold...then hot again:

A low-grade fever often accompanies the first breakout, per the CDC. Many people assume they have the flu, but if you don't have any other flu-like symptoms (like a sore throat or cough) or you do have any other symptoms of herpes (like bumps or sores), it's wise to get checked out.

Lumps in your neck or armpits.

The first genital herpes outbreak is also associated with swollen lymph nodes, particularly in your neck, as your body tries to fight off the virus, according to the CDC.

No symptoms at all.

Perhaps the scariest symptom of genital herpes is that most sufferers show no symptoms of a herpes infection, or very mild symptoms, according to the CDC. This is known as asymptomatic genital herpes, and yep, it's still contagious.

How is genital herpes generally diagnosed?

Now's not the time to be shy-your doctor is the only one who can officially diagnose you with genital herpes, says Van Groningen. This can be easily done through a visual exam of the area-many doctors can recognize the blisters on sight-or a swab of a sore that gets sent to a lab for testing.

There is a blood test available, but it's not necessarily the most accurate way to test for genital herpes-it doesn't differentiate between HSV-1 and HSV-2. The blood test also won't be able to tell you how long you've had the virus.

How is genital herpes treated?

There is no cure for herpes-genital or oral-but there are ways to manage it. It's important to get treatment as soon as possible so you can prevent future outbreaks and reduce your risk of spreading the disease to others, says Van Groningen. Left untreated, genital herpes can damage your fertility, and in rare cases, spread to other parts of your body, like your eyes.

"I’m upfront with potential partners about my status. It hasn’t been much of a deal-breaker."

If you have the virus, know the first outbreak is usually the worst, says Van Groningen. "Since herpes is caused by a virus, your doctor can prescribe antiviral medication to take at the first sign of the outbreak," she says. The most commonly prescribed medications for herpes are Valtrex, Zovirax, and Famvir.

However, if you're having several outbreaks each year-usually six or more-you can try chronic antiviral suppressive therapy, which can be a game changer, she says. This requires you to take a daily pill. "I've had patients who never have outbreaks anymore after starting chronic suppressive therapy," she says. These pills can also lessen the chance of spreading the virus to others (though they won't get rid of it entirely).

Can you ever prevent herpes?

Using a condom during all types of sex is the best way to reduce your risk of getting genital herpes. However, it's not a guarantee, as it is possible to get infected when other parts of your body come into contact with infected bodily fluids, the CDC says.

\"Honestly, the hardest part is that now I have to take a daily medication for the rest of my life.\"

And also, because it bears repeating, while it's still possible to transmit herpes without any symptoms, having sex with someone in an active outbreak makes transmission more likely.

While you may not be able to 100 percent prevent getting genital herpes, you can do your best to prevent spreading it to others-and that starts with being honest about your status. Not only will that help strengthen your relationships, it can protect you legally as well.

What women living with genital herpes want you to know.

"I was sick of making myself small because I had herpes. Six months after my first outbreak, I started dropping the 'herpes bomb' into conversations casually. My logic was that every time I told someone, 'I have herpes,' the words would get easier to say. ..So when I told Andy I had herpes, he immediately replied that it didn’t bother him because it was just a skin condition and he’d seen way worse during his days as a high school wrestler. Suddenly, ringworm was the most romantic thing in the world. ..Fighting the cultural stigma surrounding STDs is a battle I actually enjoy fighting. I'm not afraid of letting herpes define me if it helps someone newly diagnosed feel less alone. But to my partners-and more importantly, to myself-I’m always going to be me, not just someone with herpes." –Ella Dawson (Read the rest of her story here)

"I actually got herpes from my ex's ex. A couple of months into our relationship, my boyfriend casually mentioned that he felt some tingling and thought he was having a herpes flare up. I freaked out and he said it was a 'parting gift' from his last girlfriend but that as long as we didn't have sex during an outbreak I should be fine. Well, that wasn't true. I ended up testing positive for genital herpes. There is no cure for it and at first I was devastated, but in the year since I’ve come to accept it. I take medication to prevent flare-ups and, unlike my now ex-boyfriend, I’m upfront with potential partners about my status. It actually hasn’t been as much of a deal-breaker as I thought it would be. Some guys nope out but a lot of them already have it or are fine as long as we use condoms." -Anonymous

"I think I got herpes from a Tinder hook-up. I was always careful to ask about the person's STD status before we had sex, and we used condoms, but I love oral and, let's be honest, lots of dudes lie. Now I have it. Honestly the hardest part to deal with is that now I have to take a daily medication for the rest of my life. It's crazy-expensive because I have crappy insurance, but I don't dare stop taking it because the outbreaks are really painful, plus I want to protect my new boyfriend. I'm glad I have the meds but it still pisses me off every morning when I have to take it." -Anonymous

"Two years ago, I got a call from a previous hook-up saying he'd tested positive for herpes and I needed to get checked too. I thought I was safe-I'd had an STD screen right after I slept with him and it was negative for everything-but I scheduled one just to be safe. To my surprise, I tested positive for herpes. I didn't have any signs at all and my doctor said it's possible I tested too soon the last time and there weren't enough antibodies in my system to show up on the test. I was shocked but to this day I haven't had an 'outbreak' so it's hard to believe that I really have it. I don't take any medications for it and I really haven't changed my sex habits at all but those are things I should probably think about soon." -Anonymous

source https://www.newssplashy.com/2018/06/girl-smarts-everything-you-ever-wanted.html

#News

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optimisticpoetrypost-blog · 6 years

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Average health insurance costs?

"Average health insurance costs?

I pay $69.70 for health insurance every two weeks from BC/BS. My co-pay is $25 per visit to the Dr. $60 for urgent care, and $100 for a trip to the ER. I realize that this is not a comprehensive listing of everything I get with the policy, but is there a way to find out if this is around the average that most companies offer their employees on a group plan? Thanks in advance for any insight.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolution.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr