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being-kindrad · 1 year ago

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Q&A Panel with seven detransitioners, 2023, transcribed

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The following is a transcript of the first ever Q&A panel discussion with seven detransitioners filmed on Detrans Awareness Day 2023. Seven detransitioners speak publicly and answer questions from the audience at a film screening of the documentary No Way Back: The Realities of Gender Affirming Care.

The panel discusses the medical ethics of the gender affirmation model of care for gender dysphoria, and the untold harm personally endured by detransitioners Chloe Cole, Laura Becker, Luka Hein, Estella Suarez-Hamilton, Brian Wagner, Rachel, and Shape Shifter.

The panel answers questions from concerned parents about the relationship between gender distress, social contagion, trauma, and familial relationships, and panelists give advice about maintaining and repairing relationships with children and loved ones who are experiencing identity issues.

View the panel recording here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyJGijjI2JU

Transcript after the break.

Panel moderator: How do you guys feel? Had you not seen [the documentary] before? Did it bring up any feelings for you guys?

Estella (female detransitioner): It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I medically detransitioned this past year and I was still maintaining my social transition, clinging on to that, and kind of hearing about the process of other detransitioners and even speaking to some people who are here today, learning how much commonalities we have with this journey. It makes you realize that “oh, well, maybe this is rare, but maybe this is not so rare as they're saying.” Especially when it comes to medical consequences. I can speak for myself with some of the effects that testosterone has had on my body—it's menopause, it's going through menopause at nineteen. And when your body's not ready for that. And there was like a list of that, the incontinence, not being able to hold your bladder, not being able to sleep because of heat flashes that are painful. It's ridiculous, thinking that a teenager should go through that, when they're just at the cusp of adulthood, so it brought up a lot of emotion realizing that I wasn't alone in a lot of that. I know that I had a conversation with Chloe earlier this year about heat flashes and that was the first time that I had spoken to anybody about the itchiness and the uncomfortableness at night and realizing that wasn't just me, you know, and that's what you hear a lot, a lot of people being like “oh, well it's just you, I guess it just didn't work out for you.” It's like, it's not just me, you know, this is something that could happen and it's exhausting. So, yeah.

Panel moderator: Can we just go down the line really quick and introduce, you guys can introduce yourself, so we know who you are and then we'll open it up for questions.

Shape (male detransitioner): Hi, I'm Shape. I'm a male detransitioner, gender non-conforming. You guys may know me from YouTube or Twitter, so this was pretty powerful, also triggering, but powerful.

Rachel (female detransitioner): I'm Rachel. I transitioned when I was like 25, lived as a “man” for like seven years, realized “oh I don't need to do this and I'm running away from other things,” so I went back to living as a woman, more or less, a year ago, and just kind of opened my eyes to kind of like the whole gaslighting of this “trans marketing” like it's you know they—well not to get too far into it, but the whole thing is weaponizing empathy to make people believe that “oh you have to affirm these kids that's the nice thing to do,” but long term, well, I think you guys know.

Brian (male detransitioner): Good afternoon, my name is Brian Wagner. In my early 20s, I had substance use disorders and mental health issues. I transitioned from male to female, I lived my life as a transgender woman for close to 10 years, I detransitioned upon sobering up and getting to see a psychologist that was not an activist. The most powerful part of this documentary for me personally was when it talked about Jung's “Shadow Self,” because I think for a lot of society and especially the trans rights movement, detransition is a reality that they're not ready to see or face or accept quite yet, so thank you.

Estella (female detransitioner): My name is Estella Suarez Hamilton. I gave an introduction already so…

Luka (female detransitioner): My name is Luka Hein and I transitioned as a minor at 16 and de-transitioned around six months ago when I was 20.

Laura (female detransitioner): Hey everyone. My name is Laura Becker. I was in the documentary. My hair was looking a little messed up at the time, I had dyed it too many home dyes, pink—thank you—for a little while it was—so yeah, some of you may know me from Twitter, Funk God artist, and I designed some of the Detrans Awareness hats and shirts that some people might be wearing so that's what you may know me from.

Chloe (female detransitioner): I'm Chloe Cole and I'm somebody who also transitioned as a minor between the ages of 12 to 16. And I've been speaking out about my experience for not much longer than a year now, since I was 17.

Shape: I guess I should tell a little more about my story since everybody has. I transitioned in my early 20s as well, the first time I ever got any kind of mental health help was when I went to Fenway House in Boston and they completely ignored my internalized homophobia, other comorbidities, and affirmed me, like there was no pushback. I got on estrogen pretty easily, but my mental health declined after that, but I attributed it to being in a “wrong body,” so unfortunately I got cleared for the sex assignment surgery. That deteriorated my mental health even further. I have complications after multiple revisions. I have urinary tract infections every month, that's why I was going to the bathroom like a million times. I am unable to have sex, I have osteoporosis, I haven't been able to get any help really from endocrinologists or even surgeons to reverse this. This is all one giant experiment I fell into when I was very vulnerable and not in a good emotional place. I definitely got sold lies and “hardware fixes” for my “software issues” that actually never went away. And my biggest push for transition was internalized homophobia, I just didn't want to be gay, because I was brainwashed from very young age that gay is bad and sinful, so the minute I realized I could escape my homosexuality, I latched onto the idea that I'm a woman, but I realized that none of those transitions solved any of my mental issues, in fact it made it worse, thank you

Panel moderator: Okay, does anybody have a question?

Audience member: Hi. Thank you all for being here, you're all very brave, and I probably follow mostly on Twitter or something. I think like a lot of parents whose kid is in this ideology, fortunately, my daughter so far has not said she wants to medicalize, but I can see just socially things sort of upping, which scares the hell out of me, because she'll be 18 next year, so I'm wondering if you guys had seen this documentary when you were 17 would it influence you [several panelists shake their head no] or is there anything that you would say to somebody at 17 who's in the grip that you like would help them like, you know, for body acceptance or whatever it would be, I would love to hear.

Estella: Yes, if I saw this documentary it would have made a difference. There are some people that are stubborn and very hard-headed and I was one of them, especially when you're 19, you think you know everything. If somebody says “oh you're gonna get menopause,” “oh I don't care,” you know, because you don't know what that means. The more information people get I think from first-hand, it makes a difference. I remember—and I said this prior to when we sat down—I didn't get top surgery. I was on testosterone for over seven years, and I was socially trans before that, and then a little bit after that, but I never went for top surgery. Specifically I can remember I watched a testimony of somebody who was transgender, they were a transman, so they were a female, and explaining that they had done all this surgery, and all this hormones, and everything, and it still—they were feeling like it wasn't resolving anything. And I remember he was this big buff bodybuilding guy and I was thinking “oh he's so beautiful I want to be like that” and he was like “don't do it, it will not fix your dysphoria” and so that gave me enough to just hold back, hold back. When I came to Los Angeles, there was no gatekeeping. I went to a very popular trans clinic down the street from here, and I was new in town. It was my first time going and talking to them, and they had an interview with me and like a car dealership, you get a packet of papers and you're good to go, like they have everything. But because I had seen the testimony, I thought “well let me just give myself some more time to think,” and the more you read about long-term and the more you talk about these surgeries and how they affect you in the end, the more you realize “well this is maybe not the most creative solution and this is probably not the most healthy solution,” so that's—I think it would make a difference, I think that absolutely this this film is a snapshot into history, and a good opportunity for people to get a different perspective. Especially because it's going from a leftist view too, so it's very nice to be able to digest that.

Brian: When I first transitioned, or started to, I specifically remember I saw the testimony of a man named Walter Heyer, he's an elderly man who I believe did in fact have the vaginoplasty and it didn't stop me. Thankfully, I never had that done, but I was well aware of it. But I was in a very delusional and ideological mindset, so I really don't think seeing this would have stopped me, I really don't. But I would have just told my former self to be careful what you wish for and don't rush into anything, because changing your gender it's not like you know, shaving your head, or you know, something like that, it's very difficult to undo and the further you go, the harder and harder…

Rachel: One thing for me, in female social circles, I definitely felt like I got “cool points” for it and I was already in my 20s, and it's got to be ten times that when you're in high school, so I feel like almost anything you would say would just fuel it even more, because it's like “oh this is something you're not allowed to do,” and it's kind of risky, so that's more exciting. And I don't know if this would help, but one of the biggest reasons I detransitioned was because I realized I felt affirmed in my identity as a “man” when I was with my female friend group, but then as you get more and more masculine, they don't see you as a woman anymore, and your brain does literally change, like there is something different with the hormones, so any kind of feelings of belonging she gets like within her current social circle, just basically imagine losing all those female friend groups, because once you look like a man, it doesn't really work the same. So like I don't know, I'm not really even sure how to explain that to a kid, but like “would you do this if you were completely alone by yourself without the affirmation of all your friends?” And she'd probably say “yeah sure I would,” but people tend to socialize in gendered groups, so just imagine if she can't socialize with her current friends, because of the way that they see her as, like, a man, later on. I don’t know how better to describe that.

Chloe: So, I'm 18 now, I'm a legal adult and as many of you know, I travel around the country talking about this subject. And there's still a lot of things that I can't do legally, like I still can't buy marijuana, or nicotine products, or alcohol. I can't rent a car. I can't even rent a hotel room. Because I'm under the age of 21. And yet, at 13, I was allowed to make the decision to change my sex. But I really don't think that 18 is just some magical age where all of a sudden you're capable of, maybe legally doing something, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you really fully understand what you're doing. I mean, the estimate right now is that most people's brain development finishes at around the age of 25, and it's probably much later for a lot of other people. But brain development aside, there's still a lot of things that people at the age of 18, at the age of 25, and even beyond, don't know about the world. When you're young, you don't really have a lot of knowledge or experience having to do with the world, and I was lucky to find out that I wanted to have kids at the age of 16, and to stop transitioning then, but not a lot of women figure that out until much later now.

Luka: I think particularly when you have a child going into this and you're worried about them heading down the path of medicalization, every situation is different, but presenting a different perspective, I feel like, couldn't hurt. They may not listen, because young people tend to be rather stubborn, but it couldn't hurt. And you know your kid doesn't stop being your child when they reach 18. You still need to be there, and let your concerns be known, with care, and compassion, and a genuine concern for their health and well-being. Keeping that line of communication open, to be that safe adult for your child, even when your child is an adult, is something that young adults still need, everyone needs, to a certain extent. And there's gonna be young people who maybe didn't transition and they reach 18, and rush into stuff, but I don't think it's acceptable to give up on them just because they maybe won't listen or they're hard-headed. If anything, that's when you need to be more compassionate and really keep that line of communication open, because they deserve for you to keep trying.

Laura: Yes, so I think that this documentary definitely would have impacted my perceptions, because although I had a lot of magical thinking, was naive, very stubborn, I was also very overwhelmed and we all started to know the kind of common wisdom “kids need structure.” Everyone needs structure, we need to order chaos, because things are very overwhelming. And I was overwhelmed, that's a lot of what passive suicidal ideation is—just being overwhelmed and your brain goes to this solution, this fantasy solution of escape, so it can deal with it at that moment, and transition is very similar, the transition fantasy. So I think I really was hungering to be helped. I was very alone, from peers and family, and I really wanted a safe adult to really sit down with me and listen to everything, and tell me that they knew how to help. Not in a pushy way, or in a controlling way, but in a way that allowed me to feel like myself, and I just never really got that, because my parents, by the point when I was 19, when I transitioned, they were exhausted, and they were not very equipped to deal with it, and there was some abuse as well, to me, psychologically. So they just kind of did emotionally sort of “give up,” and because I was so stubborn, they said “okay.” And the thing is you know, you just kind of get used to people not seemingly really understanding you, you know. Teachers didn't understand, therapists just—low quality, low, shallow, shallow understanding and so they'll say “yeah you're valid” or like “sure you can, are you sure you want to do it? Yeah okay, you know, maybe it'll help, because you're already so f-cked up, you're already so mentally ill anyway,” so they were very desperate too, my parents. But I was suicidal and had unprocessed trauma—PTSD—so, definitely keeping that connection, I know it's very difficult, but still listening and still being there, and not giving up is this inevitable outcome that “this person is just going to be messed up and they're disabled and they're mentally ill and that's their identity” and trying not to see your child as broken, because I saw myself as a broken human being that didn't deserve love or was capable of achieving happiness, so of course you're going to go to desperate measures, like surgical interventions. So I would say this documentary would have really been a relief to me, because it just provided so many calming, intelligent, rational adults that are experts in the field, they know what they're talking about. It just would have relieved my existential anxiety and overwhelm to know that there is an alternative because I thought that there wasn't. I thought it was either “I'm inevitably going to kill myself and I don't want to live anymore as myself,” or “if I transition maybe that'll help I'm doubtful about it, pretty hopeless, maybe it'll help.” I didn't realize until several years too late, I mean too late in a short-term sense, for the surgery and hormones, that there were alternative pathways, and so I have been able to cure my gender dysphoria and treat my suicidal ideation and PTSD, still working on that one, that one takes some time, but yeah, thank you.

Shape: Yeah, this definitely would have helped me. A lot of things did resonate with me, specifically how autistic people think “black and white.” I didn't feel like I could have existed on a spectrum of a gender while being a biological male. Also the way that's like, I really got obsessed with transition when I found out that it was a “possibility,” so it kind of clouded my entire judgment. Also it's the first time I've heard how dysphoria shifts, so you fix kind of like one part of your body and then you get obsessed over another part, and that actually never went away—I'm still obsessing and experiencing body dysmorphia. Yes, it would have definitely helped me, because at the time I didn't know that many trans people, and definitely didn't know anything about detransitioners, I've heard a little bit, but all the stories were like “well those people were never trans on the first place,” you know, the same things they're telling me right now, so it's a very important documentary, it was pretty well balanced, I'm glad it was not really a radical documentary, it was very factual, so I think that it could help a lot of people.

Luka: I also just wanted to add that when it comes to a parent talking to their child about this, regardless of the age of the child, or anyone in general really, it's important to remember that only telling someone “yes” and telling someone “yes, you're valid” and only affirming them and only saying “yes” is not an act of love. That's not what love is. Love is not giving in to every whim and only saying “yes.” Love is putting up those boundaries and saying “no,” and having to keep someone safe, even when they might be upset at you for it, because only saying “yes,” and only going down one path, and only affirming, isn't love, it's enabling, and I feel like that's just something that parents need to understand with this.

Panel moderator: Thank you, we're going to have another question.

Audience member: Sometimes clinicians tell parents that if you insist too much, if you try to show your children a different reality, they will dig their heels in even further. [Some panelists nod.] What is the difference between the things that do that, versus the things that you think can actually bring on a shift in understanding?

Rachel: I think it's tricky, because I feel like I had to actually, unfortunately, transition to be grounded back in reality, because you’re told all these things—the thing with transition is it's sold as this magic cure, like the snake oil to cure anything, because we don't really understand what gender is anyways, and we haven't really done this experiment culturally. There are a couple people who did it, like, way early in the 1900s, like a handful of people, but it was out of reach for most people until medical science today, so there's this huge placebo effect, and when people have these different mental illnesses, we don't really know a lot of time how to solve them, but the thing is, the power of belief works really well, and transition, there's like this whole “gender euphoria” thing with testosterone, it is very euphoric. How do you bring people back to reality without them having to actually go through it? I think, and this is the tricky thing, I think that's why we're gathered here, is that we don't really hear the downsides of transition, right, we only hear about “oh, this is this euphoric thing that's gonna be life-changing, affirming, it’s going to be this person's real authentic self, and it makes us all good people for affirming, you know these trans kids because you know we have to save them from themselves from suicide.” I don't know, I think just sharing stories of like people who have gone through transition who were, or maybe still identify as trans, but found “hey, like there are some issues with this and there are other ways we can deal with this,” whether that's recognizing there's maybe autism, maybe there's internalized homophobia, there's other kinds of traumas, I think just people being more aware that there's this other side of transition that isn't the the “rosy” side of transition.

Estella: To understand your question, like “how do you avoid them from being you know upset that you're showing them the the other way,” and I remember the mindset that I was in at 19, at the time, I came out on social media because I knew that my parents would give me pushback and I just wanted to just spring it on them and just not give them any chance to have any kind of push back to me. So I remember my mother telling me “You'll never be able to fully get a penis! You'll never be able to impregnate a woman!” all these different things that were logical arguments and I was just like “No no, Buck Angel has a penis!” you know, all these different things, and I just wanted her to hear me, I just wanted her to hear what I thought was going to be a good idea, and I think that maybe a good solution would be “Okay, well, if you want to show me your resources or propaganda or whatever, then I would like you to watch some resources that are from my side” and then that way they could feel listened to and you could see what they're actually looking at and then give them an opportunity “Okay we watched it now please would you watch this documentary with me, or would you read some of the side effects and we'll go in and see ‘Do you know what a cyst is?’ ‘Do you know where those come from?’ ‘So here are all these different side effects.’ ‘What does atrophy mean?’ ‘When a woman goes through atrophy, is it just their uterus or is it their bladder? And all the muscles that are along with that?’” because that's something I didn't know until probably about a year ago, and I'm 27, and I should have been—a doctor should have sat down and talked to me about those, but that never happened, so if you had like a little “give and take” maybe that would be helpful, that's the best solution I can think of right now, in this moment.

Luka: I think it also is, you know, it's somewhat inevitable that when you give pushback, sometimes these kids are going to be upset. It is natural in child development for each age group, is there are boundaries, and it is very natural for kids to push against those boundaries in a healthy way, and it is the job of the adults to make sure that those boundaries are still maintained and that the kid can express that pushback in a healthy way. It's unfortunate with this issue that we've seemingly, as a society, not only we just removed the boundary to push against, but put a medical system there in place. But sometimes when you push back, they're gonna be upset, and they're gonna need a space to really express that, because you know when they are upset, that is an emotion that they are having regardless of if, you know, as an adult, you feel like maybe the reason is stupid, or they're overreacting. To that child, that's a very real experience, that they are very upset about this. And whether that be that they just need some space to go blow off some steam, or they need you to be there as a compassionate adult to explain to them why you did what you did, or they just need someone to listen, it is still a parent or adult's job to do that with a sense of care, because you know you can't force someone to realize things, but you can be there, and you can be there in the best way that that kid needs. And that's going to be different for every kid, and some of them are just, they're gonna be stubborn, they're gonna be upset for long periods of time, but I think just for this issue, we can't just throw out that responsibility that even if a kid is upset, as long as you are doing what you're doing with care, and they are able to process that emotion of being upset, that that is still a good thing, because you know the parents have a lot of emotions in this and they deserve a space to process those as well. The kids are going to have a lot of emotions, and we really have seemingly taken away that space that they need to process those to come to the realization that maybe you know “hey maybe my mom isn't pushing back because she's hateful, maybe she's concerned” or you know the parent being “maybe my kid isn't acting out because you know I told them ‘no’ but maybe they're acting out because there is a deeper issue there and they are crying out for help.”

Laura: Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. I just wanted to add on to the idea of boundaries. What I often tell parents is, you know, this isn't palatable to hear, but the reality is that whether you tiptoe around—I've known parents that tiptoe around every little thing and they're walking on eggshells all of the time and it's extremely stressful—and I know parents who just get right up in there and take charge and say “no I'm the parent and I'm doing this” and I've known both sort of methods being taken and it is up to the individual parenting style, and the relationship you have with the child, but the reality is that as Lukas said, pushing back against authority and against parental wisdom is natural, normal, and even healthy. It can be an opportunity to further develop the relationship, because a child needs to learn how to manage their emotions. They need to learn how to take “no” for an answer, they need to learn how to look critically at other people's perspectives, and so it's very difficult. But repair is the other side to preserving a relationship. There will be conflicts, sometimes severe conflicts and damage will be done to the relationship, and so I think a lot of parents are focused so much on not damaging the relationship, which is understandable, but once it is damaged, I think that's when a lot of people might get into a really worse situation than if they had focused more on just the long run, you know, each little incident or confrontation is a smaller battle in a longer war, a war of preserving a relationship and having just a healthy life for everyone involved. I think focusing on “how do you repair” learning how to repair with your child is going to be critical, because it might be a very long period of time where they're processing things and if you act resentfully towards them, or bitter, or start punishing them, overly criticizing them. This is a more severe version of what may happen, but I had a parent who would verbally abuse me and gaslight me about it, and you know, I understand that they were angry and they were emotionally dysregulated, and that shouldn't have happened, but once it did happen, there was another opportunity there, the real work could have lied in the repair, that they had an opportunity to repair their relationship and further understand my perspective, but instead of doing that, they would gaslight me about it, and say that it was my fault, and say that never happened and that they did nothing wrong and in fact, I was, you know, punishing them or being a b-tch to them, you know, it was like very manipulative, that really damaged me, to feel it was all my fault, no matter what I did. Any emotion I had was unacceptable, and so whether it's arising to the level of like verbal abuse, or just—it's a spectrum of behaviors—but being able to repair and to acknowledge, you know, “I understand that this is painful for you” and not adding a “but” into it or like “but I feel this way” or like “but you're not listening” or like “you're so difficult, you're so difficult to deal with” you know, something I've heard a lot.

[cont] Really listening, and allowing them space so that they can start to trust you again, because the more you push when there's already been a damage a fracture to the relationship, the further and further away they're going to get, and then you might try to cling on even more, they're going to keep going. So it is inevitable that there will be damage, and I do think it's more prudent in the long term to think about the bigger picture of the relationship, and you may even lose what many people consider to be the biggest battle of all, which is when they get testosterone, when they get a prescription for hormones, when they get surgery, when they become an adult and they do something permanent, the reality is that even that is only a battle in the long-term war. There is life after the surgeries, obviously none of us advise doing it, but I think a lot of parents are so focused on just preventing that surgical outcome that they may lose sight of other ways to better the relationship, and once gender is over, what if they what if they forget about gender, what if you forget about gender, what what would that even be like? Are you consuming so much of your life based around that? Is there anything else in your marriage but just talking about the kids' gender problems, for example. And I'm not criticizing anyone, but I feel, you know, think about the long term, and things come and go, you know.

Shape: I'll be quick, I feel like one thing I've learned being in trans and detrans community, a lot of us have childhood trauma and if your kid thinks that they may be trans, maybe there's some trauma you don't know about, maybe you failed to protect them from predators, maybe you're the source of the trauma, because a lot of parents have been traumatized as kids themselves so they have all those personality disorders that they kind of transfer to their kids, so sometimes you need to look at yourself as well before communicating better with your child. Also unfortunately right now a lot of trans activists such as Jeffrey Marsh are teaching children online that they should go “no contact” with their parents if parents try to push back on transgender identity, which is completely crazy. It's pretty much emotionally manipulating parents to agree to support their transition, which sucks.

Chloe: Right. I mean, I agree that as a parent there are going to be some things that you'll have to do for your child that you may not necessarily want to, that they may not necessarily want, or that might not be the best for your relationship in the short term, and for a lot of parents this does involve taking away all Internet devices like their computers, iPads, phones, whatever else might give them internet access, and I think in most cases this is a good approach, but I think that if you're going to take something away, you have to replace it with something. A lot of these kids, the problem is a lot of them are addicted to the internet, because they were introduced to at a young age, and these devices are very stimulating, and for a lot of kids, especially kids who may not necessarily have a lot of friends at school, it can give them a sense of community online, but I really don't think that the internet and technology in general is really appropriate developmentally for most kids and teens, and a lot of these kids, they don't feel like they really belong to any communities in person, they don't really have any friends at school, a lot of them are bullied, many of them aren't really active in clubs, or sports, or extracurricular programs. If you're going to take away this one big thing from them, you have to replace it with I think one of those, which they should be in already.

Brian: Yeah, just real quick, I think one of the things that would have helped me in the beginning was if I had just gotten out of my woke echo chamber at my college, like if I had someone took me surfing, or gone dirt biking, gotten into some kind of rigorous exercise, I think that would have really helped, but yeah it's true. My psychologist, when my dad wasn't down with it, she was like “eh, you just won't have a father anymore” and I cut him out of my life for many years and I regret that now but, you know, had I just gone camping with my dad a couple times, or just listened to—I mean once I started listening to—it's really corny, but I started—I listened—there was two podcasts with Joe Rogan that I listened to as a trans, I was like “no no no, I'm still a man, I like man things,” and you know, not that women can't like, you know, MMA fights and, you know, certain things, but, you know it really realized that, and being sober, I was like “I made a huge mistake,” and yeah, take your kids out in nature.

[Time is reached, panel ends. Panel moderator thanks panelists, and informs the audience about current bills being considered in the legislature.]

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pwblogarchive · 6 months ago

Text

January 2006

January 2, 2006

It was strange being outside of chicago on new years. If anyone remembers our apartment shows.

But the confetti was pretty and I think a girl from miss seventeen tried to kiss me on the mouth but kind of missed. Oh yeah and apparantly andrew john hurley is a dreamboat. Check the scoreboard. Tommorrow letterman and then I’m gonna buy some more heinous gear. Do you love it when I wear clashing colors as much as I do?

And why didn’t anyone tell me how amazing the movie the squid and the whale is? I told you about panic…

Over and way the fuck out.

xoxo

January 4, 2006

my top ten (er top seven) of 2005 - no records included.

bonnie dillard - she is always around to tell me how wack i am - she uses the the word "totes" and "just sayin" way too much - and actually types them! she named her dog roxie wentz and she has given me exactly two compliments in my entire life - one of which was on an outfit that she picked out for me. but she pretty much is the glue for clandestine and sometimes pete wentz. editor of filthy magazine.

nick scimeca - this kid makes the craziest faces i have ever seen in my entire life. the first time i met him we got in a snowball fight. pretty much we are in this gang together forever. he does infect, foe, and some clandestine stuff. pretty much whenever i am bummed i can call him up on the phone and hell tell me some hilarious story.

demar hamilton - i have pulled this kids underwear off every time he is around me and totally wasted. its awesome. he also has a dog living in his basement that looks like a 100 yearold teddy ruxpin. oh yeah, his band is rad.

leslie simon - me and her talk about our crushes all the time. we have a mutual love for the music of ashlee simpson and kelly clarkson. when i tell her insane stories i dont even have to say "off the record" she pretty much knows. she thinks of bright eyes and fob in the same way which blows my little mind. she is editting rainy day kids. oh yeah and writing a book about boys in tight jeans that wear eyeliner as far as i can tell but its pretty hush hush.

jonathon cecil miller/dirty - pretty much this kid is made of snakes, snails and puppy dog tails. i have nothing else to say but he is the new pauly shore - even if he always punches me for saying that. pretty much he looks like a cheeseburger with toothpicks for legs but i wouldnt trade him for the world. pretty much he is the best kid ever.

jim sevcik (or however you spell it) - this is the guy who goes and digs the little youth medium shirts out of tiny boxes in the 100 plus degrees on warped tour or freezing temp on NFT - and then takes the money out of your paws. he is definitely most underrated.

andrew simon/buck - when on the westcoast these guys function as my mother. they take us out to dinner, help me find a house or apartment, look up movie times, get screenings, help me find tours, starbucks, have the cutest baby on the planet, oh yeah and they even book shows every once in awhile.

oh well i ran out of steam. ill finish later. pretty much people that i hang out with every single day are not included on this - you know who you are.

- petey

1/04/06 Q&A

question

Pete, I really need some advice. I was a virgin until I slept with this guy. I didnt tell him I was a virgin until 2hrs. after we finished nad I told him online. Then I started freaking out because I was scared I had screwed everything up between us, which I think only made everything worse. this all happen yesterday. Did I screw everything up?

answer

the best part about when things like this happen is that eventually they become the past- if you really like this guy you could probably explain yourself to him- how you just got scared and were nervous to tell him certain things. if he is worth it, i am sure he will take the time to listen and tell you how he feels too. and if he doesn’t give you the time to do that, than he isn’t worth it anyway. you can be through with the past but that past isnt always through with you.

question

Pette what type of bass do you have?

answer

fender just made me my own- its pretty rad- red and black- super light maple neck- customized electronics and pick-ups- check out a picture of it over at: www.clandestine.buzznet.com - they say they are gonna make a real cheap version of it for people to learn on

question

the background on the site finally changed. who does that?

answer

it changes with mother nature.

question

Do you have any scars. Not like emotional scars (you can include them if you wish) but good-story-scars. Like stuff involving armadillos or something interesting like that.

answer

ive got this amazing one down the palm of my hand from when me and robby windgator (sp) climbed a fence in his back yard and my hand got stuck on a nail. it slid down the entire length of my hand- i was like 8. i have two on my right hand from when i fought a car the week before the VMAs. trust me i definitely beat the car up.

January 6, 2006

notes on black clouds and underdogs - see also: cast all your fears away:

1. tickets will not be 50 dollars. haters are spreading this on the internet. if you buy your ticket ahead of time (not through some wack broker or on ebay or from a scalper)- average ticket price will be between 23-28 dollars - not going over 35 anywhere. we picked the venues based on how cheap we could get them.

2. the bands- we didn't want to have a tour where you had to see five bands that sounded exactly like fob. we went for variety. all of the bands are really nice guys as well. there will be special guests through out the tour and some suprises to make each show more exciting.

3. this is going to be fob's biggest show ever. we will be playing our longest set and will be including some special secrets.

4. did you expect us to just dump the dates in your laps? we are nerdy and weird and different. so we created a game. we thought it would be fun. the points will be weighted so a small town will have the same chance as a huge city to win a small suprise show. we want to play in front of kids that are excited and we know this is a chance to do this. there will still be other secret shows randomly happening.

5. close your eyes and just click. youve got it. dont worry just come out. andy will be running a kissing booth - it will be a blast.

more later.

January 6, 2006

8:11 pm

i am just a hot mess. i woke up to the feeling of myself throwing up today. pretty much put a damper on the entire day. i ate about 50 stomach pills and then threw them all up- it was a pretty color in the toilet. my toungue is black on the top right now. i am pretty sure thats a bad thing. i watched way too much gastinaeu (however you spell it) girls today. i think it made me sicker. it took me awhile to realize that they were mother and daughter and not sisters- but the mom is kinda hot in pissy kind of way. my mom is out of town so there was noone here to take care of me- my brother was around but hes pretty much always bongzilla'd. so i waited for back-up caretakers to arrive- one of them was busy cutting hair and the other has like a "real" job besides being dad. the best part about vomitting alone in the morning is the way the bathroom tiles feel kinda cool in a pleasant way so i took a nap there for a bit. i want to see hostel tonight but the problem is all the vomitting- see its not that i mind so much its just what if i run into someone in my sicky gear and puke on them? wow. i am glad i did this update. arent you? im gonna leave the comments open cause i never do- just write down the first thing that comes into your mind when you see that reply button- heres mine: i am just a hot mess.

January 6, 2006

I have to say it makes me feel safe and some kind of comfort to look at the clock in the corner of the screen and know that you are awake too.

posted by: peterpumpkineater

1/12/06 Q&A

question

whats your view/opinion on racism?

answer

i love it. i mean what opinion would i have other than it is terrible. i hope thats what you expected.

question

So Pete, I have been wanting to learn how to play bass for a long time. Any idea when that HOT Clandestine bass will be available for the public? Thanks.

answer

its going to be available as a fender squire some time in the (near i hope) future. squire is fenders cheapest bass line - very affordable and a good bass to learn how to play on.

question

college dropout or late registration?

answer

“highschool graduate” its the mixtape he put out awhile ago- its pretty sweet.

question

okay crazy dream last night.. you [pete] and me making out after a show in a bed? yeah just thought id share.

answer

im pretty gross after a show. itd be better to just highfive i think.

question

pete. please stop licking the shoes of the island CEOs. i am getting really tired of turning on a tv and seeing a commercial for you guys playing at the fucking arena or a WHOS NEXT IN MUSIC? PANIC AT THE DISCO and THE ACADEMY IS mtv shit which was was totally all your -for lack of better word- fault. sometimes i think it cant get any worse but im always wrong. when is this going to end pete?!?!?!?

answer

i am kind of confused by this one- we are on island defjam records but the advertisements for our tour were made by our booking agent not island. academy is on atlantic/fueled by ramen and P!atd are on decaydance neither of those are island related. but i think i understand the gist of what you are trying to say. i understand that its hard to feel like you are losing a band you loved to “the mainstream” or to a bigger media. i want you to know how much fob turns down because we dont believe in it or agree with it- at the same time would you rather see the academy is on trl or limp bizkit?- id rather see sincere music up there. anyway, i know we’ll all still be here after this ends. hope you are there with us.

question

Peter do you ever get mad at us?

answer

sure. just the same way you sometimes get mad at me/us- but thats okay. neither of us ever seem to stay mad very long…

question

choose one: paramore. cartel. the academy is. or acceptance.

answer

the academy is. i dont really know the others too well.

question

Petey, what have you been up to this past week? xo

answer

training for the new video and working on/editting release the bats two (http://www.findthescene.com/Videos/RTB2_Trailer.mov)… oh yeah and sleeping some.

question

So what do you think of Brokeback Mountain?

answer

good love story. kind of depressing- it makes me think about how much i do not want to go camping.

question

ryan seacrest called you “heartbreaker wentz.” how does that make you feel? it made me giggle…

answer

i never broke that mofos heart.

question

I was wondering if any of you guys are superstitious

answer

i kiss clocks, make wishes on take offs and first kisses, hold my breath on graveyards - yes.

question

Im really upset because i have friends who like me have been FOB fans for the longest time and have met you guys numerous times but are really angry about the ticket prices and are complaining your just sell outs. Im mad because i dont think this and now they are boycotting your CT show.You guys were bound to get famous so why do people have to get like this? Whats you opinion on all this?

answer

our primary concern with this tour is: having a huge general admission floor space and keeping ticket prices as low as absolutely possible. we are doing our best- if you compare this tour with other tours with bands of the same size you will see the difference in ticket price.

question

so much for teh huge general floor space. i cant get decent tickets.

answer

if you get tickets early you should have no problem getting floor tickets. ask your broker when they will be releasing floor tickets as they are often released in bunches. i promise you every venue we are playing has a huge floor space- and if not me and my friends always used to just sneak down onto the floor. the security never tries to hard to stop you.

question

Have you ever had sex with a groupie?

answer

nope.

question

So after they finish the tour that they are on now Mest is breaking up. I sort of cant believe it but I was wondering - do you guys plan on sticking with us for a while longer? It is actually pretty hard to deal with bands just stopping for good…so I am hoping that you guys can be there with us for at least a while longer. Much love.

answer

honestly? some days i think fall out boy will be around for 20 more years and some days i think it might end tommorrow.

January 13, 2006

first jt. now mr. frey. i fear that we are next.

it may just be the hour of the night or the song stuck in my head or some strange mix of it all.

i can't shake it.

the chemists called it crossed signals.

the poets called it magical.

nowyousayimabird.

- petey

January 14, 2006

i love how i never care about anything you say except how i always do.

that doesn't even make any sense.

late at night everything about you is an orchestra. and i am the conducter.

January 14, 2006

4:14 pm

"noones ever been this good for this long"

this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue - my only thought is- how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes. every word you say rolls off of my back - the praises and the barbs. i don't hear either, ever. sometimes the tips of my fingers itch from the back of my head- just to get the chance to tear someone to pieces and just barely let them off the hook. i swear to god, i was asleep alone. quick text me an alibi and oh god please don't dust the keyboard for prints. sometimes i stare out of the frosted window and make up stories as people walk by. the bottled blonde, park ave. princess walking whichever dog matches her coat. you know how i could turn your world upsidedown. its not love if a day goes by when you don't think about dropping it. its not the world keeping you on the outside, its you not wanting to be on the inside. everyone wants to be the first. buts its okay to be the second if you understand it better, if you make it look prettier. worn down doesn't even touch this. and theres nothing worse than when someone acts like they have you figured out, when you haven't even figured yourself out. nice boys don't write good stories or sing good songs. and his songs are boring. and his stories are just personal ads set to background music. i found the skeleton key for wedlock but i am holding off on telling her. on telling anyone for that matter. consistent inconsistency. thats all you ever have to remember and you'll do okay with me. dancers are always strippers. and paying their way through college is the BE VE. oh and hey pete do you remember the way the world used to trick you with fifty degrees in january and orange leaves in june? button your jacket tight, don't believe everything you read... don't even believe everything you wrote. i'm tired of always leaving. i'm tired of the way things always/never change. swim upstream until your gills bleed just because thats what genetic encoding commands. there aren't any trophies that are really worth it in the end. they can put you in a box when you are very young, so you'll be a pretty corpse but there are too many pages filled with too many words to lie beside you forever. intelligent design is the last great joke i heard. but honestly, no one will ever stay where i tell them, least of all the years. they keep moving. worlds greatest liar and how do you know i'm not lying when i tell you this right now? and thats coming from the king of one-liners. copy and pasted - long live the away message. kiss the monitor. fast asleep baby.

1/16/06 Q&A

question

Thanks for deleting me off your myspace friends. Youre different than who I thought you were Peter.. : (

answer

i do not have nor ever had a myspace account… the only sites outside of this one that i use are friendsorenemies.com and livejournal. fall out boy has a myspace account but i dont even know how to work it.

question

PETER! maybe that got your attention this time :)! My question, Did your parents or siblings ever say your “stupid” or “gay” for wearing girl pants, or tight shirts..because i go threw alot of crap for wearing tight clothing and i go to a city school so either its gangsters, or me left out..please help me with gettin threw this..Also cant wait to see you guys in Hersey!

answer

kanye west wears pink polos. rob halford wears black tshirts. not that any of it matters. but how you dress should only be an amplification of who you are inside, it should not be all you are… i get teased about alot of things but you know, at the end of the day its okay to be me. im pretty sure its okay to be you too, as long as you arent like hitler or a serial killer or something insane.

January 18, 2006

these pictures make me think of me and you before i got so crazy.

the hippo lost its momma in the tsunami. now the he hangs out with this super old turtle and follows it around. from what i've read they have developed their own form of communication.

this is insane.

these parts of life are amazing.

i will try and not forget them next time.

- petey

January 18, 2006

the band is in chicago preparing their new homes to be moved into. mine is still in my parents cause i am a loser like that: see also why i am hanging in nyc by myself. but ive got some schemes that i am working on.

how i have been (barely) living: the hippo and the turtle, hanging out with minkus from boy meets world in north carolina, going to the mtv studios in nyc to see baby bros all growed up on trl, eating every single thing in this hotel minibar, writing, you. writing you.

- petey

January 19th, 2006

1:55 am

wahahahahaha. i laughed for like a million hours at the shittalking over at: www.friendsorenemies.com its way fun to see your friends make fun of you. it keeps you levelheaded. it has gone live.

January 19, 2006

yesyesyes-ya'll. newyorkcity. hung with patd and tai backstage at TRL and tried to make them unnervous. but i was butterflies inside. but they couldnt ever let me down. the rest of the day was spent listening to the new gymclassheroes songs and working on the new video. the gch songs are insane: i can't describe them "we gotta take our clothes off to have a good time". insane. new octfall: youve probably never met these kids but they are the nicest. always calling and asking how im doing. then the hush sound: all i can say is "sweet tangerine"- 6 months from now, you will agree with me. anyway, this isn't just some preachy post. i just love watching my friends suceed and i will believe in them until the day i die. its so great to watch everyone grow up. hopefully, somewhere someone says that about me.

we contributed a song to the breast cancer one tree hill episode/compilation. we just thought it was a great cause and couldn't pass it up. we actually thought it was a really personal cause to alot of people involved so i wanted to give a really personal song to me, so we used "dark alley".

its late and alot of the things i have been working on and thnking have stalled out. but i am trying oh so hard. got some smaller shows coming up in las vegas and l.a. for the diehards so keep your eyes out.

i am in new york city but it feels so fucking foreign. the band is in chicago but there is too much to be done out here. i know there needs to be breaks but i cant get away. maybe ill see you on fuse or trl tommorrow. maybe not cause it'll be weird with out the guys- i dunno. this hotel room doesn't make any sense. my lights are on and i am in bed knowing i will never fall asleep. i am realizing people in all the buildings outside i can see lit up can probably see in here on me. but thats okay cause i am wearing some sweet pj's.

wwwilliambecketdotlove

turn me inside out.

swoon. make me easy on the eyes. it aint hard in this light. read it. write it. throw it away and come back to the phone. light up text king.

oh yeah a little bird named mouth told me: friendsorenemies.com is up - my profile is actually me over there ... yay! let's hate eachother and/or get sexy.

January 20, 2006

dear ireland- thank you for your pretty accents and your amazing show.

dear home- i miss you

dear you- what the fuck happened to this

a real update later.

the whole world loves it when you dont get down.

January 21, 2006

12:17 pm

i hate you and i hope you die. yes. i realize that you will make fun of me/take stabs at me/post ridiculous pictures of me. i realize that because of this band i have given up some of my privacy and personal life. i accept that. i can laugh at myself. i realize i will get called a douchbag. i get what i get. i have begun reading things about my friends and family. that i will not accept. i read things written by people who kiss my ass to my face. i remember who you are. fuck you. bring it on me. please leave my friends and family alone. it is extremely hurtful to me. if anyone is a friend of mine out there please tell your friends. i on the otherhand am open game. i have a good laugh at all of the stuff written about me. i am silly, i realize that. thank you.

peter

January 24, 2006

I am an arms dealer.

I sell words you could only use as weapons.

This isn't a scene it is an arms race.

I am a con artist.

A door to door salesman.

A snake oil seller. Cures for whatever ails you.

Somehow I don't hear the violins playing.

Not really the leading man type.

I am a cadaver deep frozen. Waiting for reanimation to beinvented.

Wrote "fuckoff" on my hand to remind me to call you tommorrow morning.

What do you do when everything they say about you is true?

Do you expect me to just roll over and die?

My skin has made promises.

Whether the rest of me has or not.

Writing off tommorrows every time my fingers touch these buttons.

Putting all the comforts and closeness in reverse just for you.

I think its time to re-asses some of the policies of the wentz administration.

Our approval rating is at an all time low.

In case you haven't been informed you have to take a ticket to be disappointed by me.

There's a fucking line.

Well have some goddamned order.

Its a posh and exclusive club.

I have a lifetime membership.

Make it glamorous.

Make the rumors true.

Read the sign next to the bridge "giveupallhope..." and just tie down the gas pedal.

Lie in the back.

Haven't you heard, sorrow is in.

You are the beaches of normandy the night before.

And a girl with such a sweet drink should never sit in the corner and cry about anyone or anything.

The kids on the net had it right sometimes we should fuck off and die and break up and stop ruining art.

But the kids had it right sometimes when they sit waiting in line with hands frozen out waiting to get into a room first.

The only thing I can admit is this is no masterplan. I'm trying to figure it out.

"Without the sour the sweet wouldn't taste so sweet (tangerine)".

Its 3am in leeds. This is what just crossed my mind.

Love, the fancy kid.

January 26, 2006

live via manchester holiday inn express:

first and foremost. these shows have been amazing. i think it is quite possibly because we don’t get over here often or maybe because we are playing smaller clubs… but i am thinking we need to make a stop over here more often.

i wanted to congratulate p!atd the disco on making it to number 10 on the TRL countdown. and i just wanted to put this out there: there is no way it was paid to happen. of all the bands on “new bands week” panic was the only that didn’t put up big pushes to have the video voted on. if anything this band wants to do things their own way. hence picking the song they did for the single- that was the bands choice and in my opinion they have songs on the record that could easily be bigger. it was also the bands choice to create a darker video…. as a label i can tell you that we definitely don’t have the money to spend on a “big budget” video right now- not to mention having any left over for anything else- you’d laugh if you saw the budgets we filmed the new panic and gch videos on. but i couldn’t say enough about how nice these kids are- they don’t even get how big their band is and thats a good thing… i personally would rather see great bands on the forefront of music… and yes there are lots of other bands that deserve to make it there as well- so maybe on our messageboard tell me about some great (unsigned) bands that we should check out.

other than that we’ve just been writing new songs and working on the new video. pretty soon its going to become time focus all attention on a new fall out boy record again.

got some big news for you coming up very soon…

peter lewis kingston wentz

ps 'hater dudes marry hater bitches and have hater kids’

1/26/06 Q&A

question

hey, what kind of books are you and the rest of Fall Out Boy into? p.s. tell patrick he is spectacular

answer

andy is into comics and books on anthropology/human civilization i dunno what books joe reads patrick is into reading about music i am into a bunch of different authors lately hemingway still. before he went and hung out in africa. i haven’t been reading as much as id like lately. ps the book panic has in their book club this month is a great book. its the first thing i gave ryan after reading his lyrics, it kind of reminded me of him- so if you like panics lyrics head on over and check out their book club

question

do you watch that show roseanne on nick at night. i love that show!

answer

me and my friends used to hang out with becky in evanston, il in highschool. she was not to fond of me or my friend jody.

question

ok i know this is nobodys business but yours but there is alot of stuff going around on the boards saying that the big news is your engaged just to get things straight is that it? because those people are starting to annoy me….

answer

me being engaged is most definitely not the big news.

question

in the song calm before the on take this to your grave, there is a line that says :Well theres a song on the radio that says lets get this party started, lets get this party started. did you write that line because of the song by pink called lets get this party started. just curious.

answer

yes.

question

Hey Pete. My grandma is dying (and she doesnt care) and I for real dont feel anything towards her. My mom is seriously upset, my dad is just about the same and my sisters dont know. I am suppose to tell them but how do I do that when my grandma wasnt a grandma for me but for them she was a great lady? I just want this done and over because I am kind of tired of waiting for her to die since she has been making suicide references for the past two years.

answer

that is one of the hardest places to ever be in. i remember seeing thoughts of my grandfather in my head when he died i was on tour. and i couldnt really feel sad unless i thought of it as my dad and it really freaked me out. it made me feel like i wanted to see my dad right that second. id be completely lost with out him. i think that people handle grief in different ways and the best thing we can do is try to be there for them. im sorry to hear about that though.

1/30/06

question

my roommates and i almost got into a brawl at 4am with some drunk kids who wanted to fight us because we did not appreciate the hint of lime in their tostitos. is it just me, or is your life this ridiculous as well?

answer

it is . we were thrown out of another fob afterparty after nearly fighting the staff who was berating dirty.

question

Peter, I just got the “Panic! At The Disco” cd and I love it! could you recomened any others?

answer

the hushsound “so sudden” - myspace.com/thehushsound october fall “season of…” myspace.com/octoberfall dangerradio “party foul” myspace.com/dangerfall the academy is “almost here” myspace.com/theacademyis armor for sleep “all” myspace.com/armorforsleep shiny toy guns “all”

question

do any of you have brothers and siters? (like any single younger brothers…:) if so, who and how old?

answer

um come on this question is kind of insane. but my one dog marley is super hot for a dog. hes a good kisser though.

question

I read somewhere that Patrick was a vegitarian. Is that true?

answer

he was he eats fish and likes to talk long walks in the park with hot babes.

question

Why does patrick wear a hat all the time and why does the drummer never talk?????

answer

just to drive your pretty little head mad with these questions.

question

Okay, heres a question: Has someone you superly-duperly adored gone away? And by adored we are talking like, lets-run-away-to-isreal -and-get-hitched-without-telling-anyone adored.

answer

yes. the sinking feeling in your rotten gut is your reminder. cool sheets on your bed are your antidote.

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

2 notes · View notes

angeltreasure · 2 years ago

Note

hii, could you pray that i actually start going to mass? i'm the only one in my family that believes in Catholicism (getting baptised in november!! so excited!) and while they do agree to take me to mass if i want to, i always feel a bit intimidated and end up not going :(, i think i would really benefit from going and spending time with God, so i could really use some prayers

thanks q lot ♡ have a blessed day 🕊

I will keep you in my prayers!

It can be intimidating especially if you are the only one going alone, and so new to it. My best advice is: don’t rush the process. You are not required to be perfect and know all that there is in order to go to Mass or to be baptized. The beauty of the Catholic faith is that we are always like students.

Sit in the back pews when you go and don’t let your worries scare you. No one should stop you at the doors (if they do it’s mean, find another Catholic Church). Sometimes a Mass won’t be perfect either, with distractions around us from people talking, babies and children crying, a cellphone accidentally not being on silent, maybe the homily isn’t so helpful or good, sometimes readers will read the wrong page or they may not say what page to read or sing, maybe the people around you won’t smile. Don’t worry.

Jesus is truly present body, blood, soul, and divinity in the consecrated Eucharist. He’s in that very tabernacle at the altar and waits there for you, He waits there in the Communion hosts and wine, He waits in the monstrance at Eucharistic Adoration. Jesus loves us so much He gave His life to pay for the penalty of our sins, and He loves you. If you feel intimidated, there is also livestreams of Mass you can go to online to help you get a better idea of the Mass. if you are in RCIA, definitely ask any questions you have and they will help ease any doubts or questions you bring up, and welcome you with open arms.

.//////////.//////////.//////////////////

Things I recommend that may help you (not to overwhelm you but to give you ideas):

- read the Bible (start with the Gospels of the New Testament). You don’t have to read big chunks but try a couple of verses a day. Try to read it slowly and place yourself into the story like a movie in your mind. This is a great way to meditate and pray on what is being said.

- Bible Hub is awesome for your phone.

- the Catechism of the Catholic Church is a great book that explains why we do what we do as Catholics—- even parts of the Mass. don’t be intimidated by its size. I use it as a reference book by opening the back index.

- try the Bible in a Year podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz. He will read to you and help you see the Bible through a Catholic lense.

- listen to Relevant Radio. Download the app. Stays very close to the faith and they have past episodes you can listen to on a variety of topics!

- Watch past runs of Mother Angelica Live on YouTube. She was awesome at talking down to our level easy to understand.

- watch livestreams of Mass online.

- try sitting physically in the back of the church pews at Mass.

- try Mass at different times and locations. Sometimes that’s all we need is a change of pace, people, and scenery to help us connect better.

- if you have questions don’t be afraid to reach out to your Catholic priest. He’ll be happy to answer your questions.

- sometimes it can help us feel good if we invite friends, coworkers, or family to Mass with us. They don’t have to be Catholic to go with you either.

- if friends, coworkers, and family won’t go with you, I found a good way to find a sense of community in the church is seeing what events they do outside of Mass. Every parish is different. It can be as simple of coffee and donuts, a fish fry dinner, and a place and time to drop of food or clothing donations. Other events are longer like Bible studies, retreats, guest speakers, Rosary making, cultural events, volunteer events, etc etc. You may be surprised in who you meet!

- don’t forget self care. Take care of your health by getting good sleep, drink plenty of water, eat healthy, exercise, etc.

- don’t stop praying. You don’t need to do big complex prayers. Start small and simple.

- Eucharistic Adoration in person.

Remember that I love you and God loves you. May God bless you. 🙏🏻

youtube

#prayer request #asks

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thematteblackstudio · 2 years ago

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Friends! The next #LUCIDARTCONTEST posts are what Ive been considering the "Finalists". Thanks again to ALL who came out and participated. I cant thank you enough. Today I present the finalist @goonsngoblins ! Im a huge fan of his work and take on LUCID characters. Enjoy some questions he graciously answered. To see his FULL INTERVIEW please checkout the LUCID DISCORD! (https://discord.com/invite/PQYTsAZQZu) He really has some great stories and words to live by. Q: What is an unlikely source of inspiration you pull from? A. I pull inspiration from all forms of art. From children’s book illustration, abstract sculpture, needle felting, fashion, logo design, all mixed in with comic artists and creepy stuff. I find inspiration for story ideas in architecture, and a lot of visual inspiration in optical illusions. Moire patterns have a big impact in the way I do crosshatching. Q: What's the reason you decided to join the contest? What made you decide to start WIZARD WEEK!? A. What drew me to the Art Contest was the character design. Oenn’s design is so beautifully simple and effective, I knew he would be fun to tackle in my own style. Im currently wrapping up work on eJUNKY, a graphic novel that has been my sole focus for the past 3 years. Wizar Week was a challenge to myself to flex my creative muscles again and design a new character every day. Q: What was the artwork that you made you go ‘huh, I think I wanna do this for life’“? A. In 1st Grade I made a comic book series called “Super Weiner Dog”. I would rent them out for a quarter at recess, and I still remember the feeling of hearing kids excitedly ask when the next one was coming out. That was the first time it really clicked. Q: What advice would you give to creatives out there? A. Not to worry about “finding your style”. Draw what you love in the way thats most fun for you, and pay attention to what you like about artists you admire. Style will emerge over time as the amalgamation of all the little things youve learned from the art you surround yourself with. Q: Top 5 games? A. Risk of Rain, Dead Cells, Grim Dawn, Deep Rock Galactic, Ori & the Blind Forest

#indiegame #gameart #digitalart #fanart

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sj-ficrecs · 3 years ago

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fic rec 11!

just a random collection of what I’ve read and enjoyed lately. as usual, no specific order.

This is purely a fic rec blog, always reblogging fics I enjoy. usually Bucky x reader, sometimes Steve x reader, Chris Beck x reader, etc. So check out more I’ve reblogged on this page. :) See my past fic recs below:

PREVIOUS FIC RECS HERE! // Q & A

(divider by @bwbatta)

Bucky x reader:

Flashing Lights by @pellucid-constellations Paramedic!Bucky x reader

“Bucky’s worst fears come true when he’s called to a scene. If he’s the one with the dangerous job, then why is it your life that’s hanging in the balance?”

Operation: Freefall by @constantwriter85 Bucky x reader

“When Bucky fell from the train in 1945, he didn’t just leave behind his family and friends. He left behind the girl he was going to marry, a girl he never stopped loving. Decades later, Bucky continued to search for her, only to find out that she had disappeared without a trace in 1955. But when Steve hands over the shield to Sam Wilson, he also has something for his childhood friend—a redacted S.H.I.E.L.D. file code-named Operation: Freefall, a file with more questions than answers. With Sam’s help and a handful of Pym Particles, the file sends Bucky on a trip to the past, trying to solve the mystery and save the woman he still loves.”

Recovery by @wicked-mind Biker!Bucky x reader

“After going through rehab and recovering, you move back to town to live with your mother as you sort out what to do with your life, but your mom has other plans that include hooking you up with a hot biker by the name of James ‘Bucky’ Barnes”

Teacher’s Favorite + Sharing My Sweetheart by @suitk0via Single dad!Bucky x teacher!reader

“You are first grade teacher and Bucky is a single dad who wants to be involved with everything his little girl - Elaine - does. He’s the dad all the parent’s and faculty drool over. You quickly become Elaine’s favorite teacher and Bucky’s just gotta meet you.”

Uninvited by @mymoonagedaydream modern!Bucky x reader

Reader is a close friend of Sam’s. Sam and Bucky are roommates, so reader spends a lot of time with them. Bucky becomes colder towards reader and they ask Sam about it - finding out Bucky, who is taken, is falling out of love w/ his gf because he has a crush on reader.

You Know Me Too Well by @nexusnyx Tattoo Artist!Bucky x reader

“there is a thin line between pain and pleasure. that line is real and palpable, except for the times when you sit in bucky barnes’ table and feel his hands holding your skin. his job demands him to hurt you, but the only problem is that you enjoy it. a lot.”

The Slip Up by @justkending dad!Bucky x reader

“After a last hurrah to graduating college with a future to be a family practitioner, a little slip up happens… Seven years down the road, just when things just now seem to be going smoothly, Y/N approaches that slip up from all those years ago. She’s not looking for anything right now. She is just where she wants to be in life. It seems the universe has a different idea though. One called James Barnes.”

Invisible String series by @dirty-holy-things Bucky x reader

“You were fairly certain that landing a date through court-ordered therapy was some sort of HIPAA violation, if not just an ethical one, but you couldn’t help but be intrigued by the mysterious storm cloud of a man who you shared the waiting room with every Thursday.”

Sacrifice by @wkemeup Bucky x reader

“In the midst of an attack, you’re dosed with an unknown chemical and your healing ability becomes compromised.”

Purgatory by @wkemeup Bucky x reader

“While on a mission, Bucky becomes dissociated into the Winter Soldier. But instead of becoming a threat, his instinct is to protect.”

Behind the Storm by @wkemeup Bucky x reader

“On a mission, you’re hit with a spell that takes away your ability to see. Bucky does what he can to make you feel safe.”

We Were Screaming in Color by @samwlscns Bucky x reader, soulmate au

“james buchanan barnes was your soulmate and you were his. despite everything the world threw your way, bucky always kept his promise to make his way back home to you. even if that meant having to lose him more than once.”

Bulova by @babycap Bucky x reader

“In the five years between the two snaps that changed it all, life had moved on, as life is want to do. In the aftermath of that final battle, you discover that time waited for no one (least of all you), and those you loved marched forward into it without you. Sam suggests you volunteer at the local retirement community to keep you busy, keep your mind from lingering on what—and who—you lost. In giving back, you find that time can be just as generous as it is cruel. A non-canon compliant, friends-to-lovers fic.”

And They’re Roommates by @golden-barnes Modern bartender/roommate!Bucky x reader, New Girl au

“Your boyfriend cheats on you, and now you have nowhere to go. So when you found an ad for a shared loft, you didn’t hesitate to say yes. Come to the realization that you will be sharing it with four guys. Four guys, one of them who is extremely hot and zero brain cells between any of them. What else could you ask for?”

Keep Me Cool by @chouettedubois Bucky x reader

“You and Bucky are on your third undercover mission acting as a couple. Things go awry when you fall ill. Cue caretaker!Bucky to the rescue.”

Love in the Workplace by @cxddlyash Gardener!Bucky x Receptionist!reader

Working at the same hotel, a new gardener is recently hired.

“Your breath hitches in your throat at the sight of the new gardener.

“What is it?” Sarah asks you and you clear your throat before tearing your gaze from the man.

“Uh, nothing. I finally see the gardener that the hotel hired,” you mention while walking closer to the place.”

Dad Biker!Bucky being adorable with his kids blurb by @angrythingstarlight dad biker!Bucky x reader

dad biker Bucky and his kids making pancakes and breakfast for mom :)

Tap by @houseravenclaws Bucky x reader

“bucky never talked much. he fell in love anyway.”

Teach Me How to Love by @thefalconthatcriedwolf Godfather/single dad!Bucky x teacher!reader

“Natasha leaves behind her precious daughter, Yelena, and with her dying breath asks Bucky to look after her. You happen to have Yelena in your class this school year.”

To Build a Home by @buckyjamess-archive @buckyjamess Mechanic/single dad!Bucky x single mom!reader

“a mechanic and a nurse walk into a schoolyard..both new in the single parent life, chaos arises when the two come together but they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

A Good Kind of Fire by @dolcezzasfantasy Modern!Bucky x reader

“Character A runs a flower shop downtown. Character B is terribly allergic to flowers.”

If I Could Fly by @ceeellewrites actor!Bucky x actress!reader, social media au

“Bucky Barnes is an actor with a small (just a tiny) celebrity crush on Y/N L/N, one of the industry’s well-known actress. Well, it’s just a celebrity crush, what could go wrong?”

The Rumour by @sidepartskinnyjeans Bucky x reader

“after a, mostly, chance meeting with Sergeant Barnes starts a rumour around the compound that soon gets out of hand.”

See the World the Way You Do by @vanderlustwords Bucky x reader, soulmate au

“You start to see colour when you meet your soulmate. Bucky thinks that soulmates are a one of a kind thing—you get one and that’s it. His world used to be colourful once and then he lost that. He’s resigned to see black and white for the rest of his life…until flashes of colours would appear from the corner of his eye. And it seemed to happen more and more as Bucky spends time with you.”

Crawl Home to Her by @nexusnyx Bucky x reader

“when bucky finaly returns from his mission, he finds you sleeping in his sofa and the apartment much different than when he left. much prettier, with a touch of home. apparently, while he was away you took his advice to “do what you want with the place, doll” seriously - or as a distraction - and now he got to come home to this.bucky’s heart takes a leap and he stands there for a second, frozen in his spot.”

Signed by the Author by @wintersfilm Bucky x reader

“on a mission to improve his conversations with sam, bucky wanders brooklyn and into a bookstore where he finds his new favourite book and the most adorable bookseller he has ever laid eyes on.”

Seasons of Love by @constantwriter85 Army vet!Bucky x reader, modern au

“Bucky gets a service dog, but Winter’s only got eyes for the dog across the park…and her owner.”

One Single Thread of Gold (Tied Me to You) by @pietrotica Bucky x reader, soulmate au

“on your sixteenth birthday, the first words your soulmate will speak to you appear on your wrist. in a world where it’s quite common to get a simple ’hi what can i get you’ or common phrases, you’ve managed to get their name. that doesn’t make it easier to find him.”

Sunday is a Family Day by @lazyangeltreemoney Bodyguard!Bucky x rockstar!reader

“You’re stubborn, annoying and hot as hell which seems to be an awful combo to mix with Bucky Barnes. However one day he realises he got you all wrong and now there’s a little kid in the mix that needs both of your help.”

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watchmegetobsessed · 4 years ago

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A STEP FURTHER

Sequel to SIT ON ME

a/n: as per requested, here is a part two to my recent sebastian fic! hope you guys will like it as much as you did the previous part! also, there’s not gonna be any more parts!

pairing: Sebastian Stan X Assistant!Reader

word count: 3k

masterlist

You were expecting it. You knew how the internet and most importantly, Sebastian’s fans work. Just hours after the event, dozens of videos got out of Sebastian saying that he wanted you to sit on him if he was a chair, an answer to a highly inappropriate question that shouldn’t have been asked in the first place, but your crazy ass boss thought otherwise.

It washed over the whole fandom and soon enough everyone was talking about the two of you. And because part of your job is to be up to date about Sebastian’s media presence, you had to face not just him but yourself all over the internet. Fans started to dig up every tiny interaction between the two of you caught on camera, they posted photo montages of you and him just out and about or going from one meeting to the other. They started to look for signs that you’re dating and half of the fandom became convinced that you’re in a secret relationship. Speculations and rumors spread faster than wildfire and there was no way to stop it, you just had to live with it.

In the meanwhile, Sebastian didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. It’s like he didn’t even acknowledge the fuss about the two of you, like it was all so natural and normal to be seen as a couple by the whole world when you were just his employee.

“What? It’s not like I ever addressed anything about my dating life,” he shrugged one day when you asked him why he is not caring about the situation at all. And that was pretty much it.

The fans wouldn’t have been that big of a deal to you either. They are strangers, they always get fixated on something and soon enough you knew something new would come up and make them forget about your existence. The people close to you on the other hand are a whole different side of the story.

Following the event, Mackie wouldn’t shut up about Sebastian being hopelessly in love with you and he would nag you to go on a date already, getting on your nerves even more than he usually does with his nosiness. You love the man, you really do, but he needs to learn how to stay in his own lane.

And then, slowly but surely every friend you and Sebastian shared caught up on the story and they started asking you about it again and again and you had to tell them the same thing every damn time: you and Sebastian were working together, no romance was involved between the two of you.

No one believed you.

Now it’s been weeks and people still go crazy whenever you and Seb step out together, which happens quite often since he’s been having a busy month work-wise. Paparazzi are always following you around, catching every moment you spend out in the public, putting you on the tabloids nonstop. It’s become your usual.

Another day, another event. The day starts early for you before you pick Sebastian up and heading out to have breakfast before you are supposed to show up at the concert hall that’s going to be the venue of today’s interview and Q&A.

“Mackie has been blowing my phone up all morning,” you grumble upon seeing another text from said man before you just turn your phone screen facing down so you can finish your toast in peace.

“What does he want?” Sebastian hums.

“He is asking if I’m coming today, as if I missed any events these past weeks,” you huff shaking your head.

“He has been acting weird,” Sebastian grimaces, reaching for his coffee. “Weirder than his usual,” he adds.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, he just asks weird stuff,” he shrugs, not paying much attention to it and you decide to do the same.

Not much later, you’re finished with your food, only sipping on your coffee when you spot a group of girls near your table, their phones pointing in your direction and you have to stop yourself from growling, turning a little so you’re not facing the phones entirely. Sebastian notices your discomfort and looking around he spots the girls as well before turning back to face you. He doesn’t say a word, just gets up from his seat and strides over to the group as you watch him with wide eyes.

“Hi girls, can I ask you to delete the pictures you took, please? I’m happy to take selfies with you, just please don’t post the ones of us eating, okay?” you hear him ask them, leaving you completely speechless. Luckily, the girls are happy to obligate and he quickly poses for pictures with all of them before joining you back at the table.

“Why did you do that?” you ask him, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“You clearly didn’t like that they took pictures of us and I know you don’t like how we are being talked about recently, so I thought I would… try to help about that a little,” he shrugs, finishing the rest of his coffee.

“I just don’t like that everyone is in our business,” you sigh, folding your arms on your chest as you lean back in your seat.

“So we have business? Together?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at you over the table.

“That’s not how I… We talked about this, Seb,” you breathe out, your shoulders falling forward.

“Ages ago. Things might have changed since then,” he suggests shrugging his shoulder.

“I still work for you,” you point it out. “Things are better this way.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” he mumbles, clearly hurt by your words, but there’s not much you can do against it. “Let’s go, I don’t want Mackie to be up in my ass for being late,” he sighs, leaving the money on the table that most likely covers both your meals and a fat tip as well.

The car ride to the venue is silent, but not in the comfortable way it sometimes is. It’s awkward and you keep glancing at him, trying to find the right words but you’re not even sure what you want to tell him.

I’m sorry we work together so we can’t date? I’m sorry I keep rejecting you? I’m sorry I’m afraid if we go any further than this it will ruin our friendship?

You have absolutely no idea how to deal with it, so you just stay silent, right until you arrive to the venue. Before Seb could get out of the car you speak up.

“Are you mad at me now?” you ask, biting into your bottom lip.

“I’m not mad, Y/N. I don’t think I could ever be mad at you,” he truthfully answers, his eyes only falling on you after he has spoken.

“But there’s something, I can tell.”

“I’m just a little frustrated, is all.”

“Because of what people say about us?” you make a guess.

“Because there’s this unsaid situation between us and you just don’t let me address it. You don’t want to talk about it and whenever it’s brought up, you just shut the door right at my face,” he explains and with each spoken word, you feel worse and worse.

“It’s a complicated situation,” you breathe out.

“It’s not,” he retorts. “Do you not like me?”

“Of course I like you!”

“Okay, I like you too so why can’t we be more than just friends?”

“Because we are not just friends. I’m working for you, it’s a different situation!”

“Y/N, this is not an office job, there’s no HR, no policies, we can do whatever we want!” he chuckles bitterly as you keep your eyes down. You don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s not just because of work, but because you’re terribly afraid of being a disappointment to him if you eventually give it a try.

Your silence doesn’t amuses Sebastian and you don’t have time to rave any longer about the situation.

“Forget it, sorry I brought it up again. Let’s just… get over with this thing,” he mumbles before getting out of the car.

You move around each other like strangers, he is clearly avoiding to even look at you and you’re feeling guilty even though you don’t think you have a reason to. Still, you hate seeing him this upset, especially when it’s because of you.

The change in your act is not that evident, but Mackie immediately notices it. When you walk past him he grabs your wrist and pulls you aside.

“What the hell is going on?” he asks with wide, curious eyes.

“What are you talking about?” you retort, acting innocent, but there’s a reason why you didn’t become an actress, you suck at even lying.

“You and Seb are acting like a divorcing couple!” he whisper-yells. Pursing your lip you start chewing on the inside of your cheek as you nervously tap your foot on the ground.

“We just… had a little disagreement.”

“About what?”

“Us,” you breathe out, your head hanging low.

“Wait, so there is an ‘us’?” he asks, air-quoting the last word and you roll your eyes at him.

“No, that’s what the disagreement was about. He wants and I…”

“Don’t tell me you don’t, because I know that’s bullshit. Y/N, I see the way you look at that man, why are you making it so hard for the both of you?”

“It’s just—It might ruin everything and I can’t afford that right now.”

“Ruin everything?!” he grimaces. “What would it ruin?”

“I said fucking everything!” you snap at him, losing your patience that you’re the only one who has issues with the situation. “Our friendship, my job, everything! And I don’t want that. I can’t have that.”

“Dating someone wouldn’t ruin the friendship, Y/N. This is not middle school. Friendship is part of being with someone and you two have that. Just let it take a step further.”

“Thanks for the advice, but I’m good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have stuff to do,” you mumble under your breath before walking away from him before he could get another word out.

It’s not that you don’t want it, because you do, you really do. You’ve been in love with the man for a long time and knowing that he has feelings for you too makes you have a heart attack every time you think about it. But you are so afraid it might go south and then you’ll end up losing your job and one of your closest friends as well. Because above everything Sebastian grew to be your biggest confidant, the person you turn to whenever you are feeling down, when you need a shoulder to cry on, you can’t imagine your life without him anymore and it’s not just about the times when you’re working. Traveling around the world with him is a blessing, you love the little moments you share, the late night movie nights in hotel rooms or when you’re exploring a new city together. You love messing around in his trailer when he is filming, making silly videos on sets or playing around with props you shouldn’t even touch. You can share anything with him and vice versa. If you lose him for whatever reason, you would be left with a hole in your life that would just simply never disappear, because no one will ever be like him and that’s a fact. You’re terribly afraid to risk everything for something that might not even work. You might be a horrible item, romance can bring out things of people that haven’t shown before.

The guys finally get on stage and you watch them from the side as always. It goes as usual, they are joking around, making a show, entertaining the audience as they go over the interview before the question round starts. You don’t realize it at first, but you’re holding your breath as one question follows the other, you’re scared someone might ask Sebastian about you and the shit show would blow up again. You can only hope his answer wouldn’t be as stupid as it was before. But luckily, the audience keeps you out of their business, only focusing on what’s important, so you start to feel relieved. Right until the whole event is nearing its end and Mackie decides to take matters into his own hands.

“I think we have time for one more question,” the interviewer announces and dozens of hands shoot up into the air, desperate to get the chance to ask the men on stage, but before anyone could get the mic, Mackie speaks up.

“Actually, can I have that last question?” he chimes in holding up a finger.

“Uh, sure, go ahead!” the interviewer responds, clearly a little puzzled about his request. Mackie then turns to face Sebastian who is sitting on his right and just by the look on his face you already know what it’s gonna be about.

“Sebastian, my question is: What do you love most about Y/N?”

He can barely finish the question, the crowd erupts in cheers and whistles that he had the guts to ask him about you, but you’re feeling different about his ballsy move.

“Mackie! No!” you shout from the side, both men looking your way. Mackie tries to look innocent while Sebastian’s face is unreadable, his piercing blue eyes are just staring right back at you and you wish you could read his mind.

“Alright, I take back the ques—“ Mackie starts in a mumble, but Sebastian is quick to cut him off.

“Nah, I’ll answer,” he simply says, another round of cheering filling the place and you accept defeat.

Squatting down you hug your knees to your chest as you listen to the inevitable answer Sebastian is about to give.

“What I love the most about Y/N is that she is genuinely the best person anyone could ever have in their life. She is so selfless and caring towards others, always got her friends’ back no matter what. I love that we aren’t just simply working together but we are friends too, really good ones and that I know nothing can change that.”

Listening to his soothing voice through the speakers, you feel your throat closing up, especially at the last part he just said. Chewing on your bottom lip you tilt your head to the side as he continues.

“Literally anything can happen, we could have the worst fight ever and I still know that we would make up no matter what. She is… just an amazing and exceptional person.”

There’s a heavy moment of silence and you’re staring at him from afar with teary eyes as his eyes are glued to his hands in his lap.

“Damn,” Mackie breathes out, making everyone laugh and Sebastian’s gaze rises to him with a small smile on his lips.

There’s no time to dwell on his answer, the event needs to end. The interviewer thanks for their time and as the crowd cheers to them they head off the stage, waving at them until they disappear.

You’ve moved to the corner of the room, not wanting to be in the way, but you’re still not over the speech Sebastian just gave about you. As he appears from the stage his eyes are clearly scanning the room, searching for someone and when he finally spots you, his face hardens as he heads in your way. You’re standing with your hand covering your lips, eyes still slightly watered and seeing you like this he knots his eyebrows together in worry.

“Hey, what’s—“

“Did you mean that?” you breathe out, your voice trembling. “Did you mean it that nothing can change that?”

“Of course,” he nods, finally seeing what this is all about. “We’ve always found our way back to each other, haven’t we?”

“But dating is so much different than what we do now!” you breathe out, still not entirely sure it’s what you should do.

“Why would it be?” he chuckles softly. “We are already spending the majority of our time together, we know each other better than some couples, it wouldn’t be that big of a change, Y/N. And just like how it could ruin things between us, not taking the step could do the same, because sooner or later it’s gonna be unbearable, one of us might end up dating someone else and that wouldn’t do good to us for sure. I would rather accept the end of it knowing that we gave us a try than not even trying.”

“What if I turn out to be a completely shitty girlfriend?” you ask in a whisper as he steps closer, his hands finding your wrists as he pulls them away from your face, holding them gently. “W-What if I—“

“Shut up,” he cuts you off chuckling. “There’s no chance you are shitty at anything,” he replies teasingly, making you smile the slightest. “But even if you do end up being one, we’ll work on it together.”

His hands guide your hands around his waist, you hold onto his shirt as he cups your face in his hands, his face inching closer until his nose is brushing against yours.

“I really hope you’re right,” you breathe out, giving up to resist it any longer. There’s no use.

“Was I ever not right?” he asks smugly.

“Oh remember when—“

You don’t get to finish, because he silences you the best way possible, his lips smashing onto yours. It’s been long due and it doesn’t disappoint, his lips feel soft and perfect against yours, you can’t help but let out a pleased hum as your hands slide up his toned chest and your arms curl around his neck while his hands find your waist strong arms circling your waist as he pulls you tight against him.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Mackie’s voice breaks the moment and as you both pull back and turn in his direction, you see him pump his fist into the air with a victorious smirk on his face.

“Mind your own business, Mackie!” Seb calls out to him as you bury your face in the crook of his neck giggling like a little school girl.

“It’s my business! I made it happen!” Mackie retorts and a laugh rumbles through Seb’s chest.

“I’ll send you a thank you gift card later!” he shouts back before turning to you again, kissing the side of your head.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan oneshot #sebastian stan one shot #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan angst #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x y/n #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan au #bucky barnes #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x reader

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the-original-skipps · 4 years ago

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Fluffy Alphabet A-Z

Sano Manjiro aka Mikey

Note: Thank you so much for 100+ followers. I wouldn't have been able to get his far without your support. I'm super overjoyed and glad that you guys take the time to read my writing. I love you all very much as promised I hope you enjoy the fluffy alphabet! 💗

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

> Mikey likes to go for rides on his CB205T and he likes to bring you along. He just loves the feeling of the wind passing and your presence behind him. Maybe sharing some snacks while you both watch the sunset or the starry night sky, talking about random things. He just generally likes being around you even if you're both just sitting in silence.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

> He admires your determination and strong will. Since Mikey is mentally weak, he admires those traits in other people. No matter what you'd always be there to scold him or comfort him. It reminds him of his older brother.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

> Mikey instantly knows if you're feeling down, he just senses it. He'll bring you somewhere where they could both be alone maybe a park or he'll drive somewhere and sit you down. Mikey won't force you to tell him what's wrong but if you do he'll be listening intently. He's not the best at comforting people but makes sure to let you know that he's here for you.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

> Now this is a hard topic to answer. Mikey has pictured a future with his s/o, living in peace after all the rush during his teenage years. However, he doesn't see it happening because he knows it's best if he keeps his s/o away from him in the future.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

> I'd say he's both but mostly on the passive side. He lets you take the lead since he doesn't know much about being in a relationship. He'll be given advice and teased by his close friends but he'll keep their words in mind.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

> Mikey is pretty stubborn and doesn't like losing. If it's a petty harmless arguement, if he's wrong then he'll muttering an apology to you and completely forget about it. It's difficult to get into a serious argument with him unless it's something concerning him or Toman. Say the things he needs to hear even if himself doesn't agree with you. Then he'll leave to give himself space and think about things. Be patient with him because eventually he'll come around.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

> Mikey is very grateful for you being by his side even though he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He appreciates every gesture you do for him from the big things and to the little things such as making him lunch or fixing his hair or just being by his side when he feels he's losing himself.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

> Mikey doesn't hide things, if you ask him something he will directly answer you. He has no trouble talking about a past event since it already happened. Even though he doesn't want you getting involved with Toman, he still tells you about how they're doing or what they're up to. The only things he wouldn't share are his true feelings and his dark impulsivities since he doesn't want to scare you.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

> Just by being by Mikey's side you are a positive influence on him. It will take a long time but little by little he tries to open up about his true feelings and tries to rely on you more. Everytime you sense he's distancing himself, you would have to drag him back and knock some sense into him.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

> Mikey is definitely the type to get jealous easily and his childish tendencies tend to come out. If he sees you getting too friendly with someone he'll keep staring until he's had enough and say "(Y/N) is mine, hmph!" With a cute pout on his face. Be sure to coddle him afterwards because he might give you the silent treatment.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

> Mikey has no experience whatsoever. He has no idea how kisses work. It'll be super rare to get a kiss from Mikey since he's not used to being affectionate. If you're lucky he'll peck you on your cheek or kiss your hands occasionally. Your first kiss with him wasn't planned. Both of you were alone and you were just admiring him as he talked and pressed a light kiss on his lips. He was instantly shocked by what you did as he traces over his lips with his fingers but inside he's feeling all warm. He never knew kisses from you would have this kind of affect on him.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

> It took long time for Mikey to realize that what he felt towards you was more than just friendship. He confessed this to Draken and he replied "huh, obviously you like them you idiot. Hurry up and go tell them." In which Mikey replies by telling Draken to do the same for Emma. It happened when he came to pick you up from school one day on his motorcycle and brought you to the riverside. "I finally understand what I feel, (Y/N). I like you... You don't have to give me an answer right away, I'll wait however long it takes..."

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

> Another hard topic to answer. When Mikey fell for you he fell hard. As much as he wants to spend the rest of his life in peace with you, it won't happen. That is until he goes through "certain changes" and let's say he did. You'll be riding with him on his motorcycle on Christmas until he stops at a certain place. He'll start talking about his past and the times you've spent together. Then talking about how much he appreciates you and thanks you then pops the question. The wedding will be small and privately held with only people close to him and you are invited.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

> It is known that Mikey gives nicknames to those who are close to him. It depends on what your first name is. He'll most likely you use the first syllable of your name plus -chin, -cchi or -chy. Only when he's serious will he use your real name.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

> Honestly, it can be really hard to tell unless you really observe Mikey. You would notice he stares at you longer, or everytime your name pops up in a conversation he's interested. Draken is definitely the first the notice this change in Mikey and teases him for it, while Mikey denys it. The others will slowly start to notice this too. Especially, when he bought an extra taiyaki and gave it to you. Takemichy's jaw dropped at the scene.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

> Mikey won't be announcing to everyone that he has an s/o. However, if someone asks he'll answer honestly. I wouldn't use the word "brag" but he will say nice about you to others. For Mikey, intimate gestures such as kissing are only between the two of you. If someone catches the both of you, Mikey wouldn't be pleased.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

> You wouldn't have to worry about anyone trying to flirt with you or trying to hurt you not when Mikey's around. Mikey cares deeply about you and would give his life to protect you. You wouldn't have to worry about other people trying to flirt with Mikey either since you already have his heart, he'll simple brush them off. He's loyal.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

> As I have mentioned earlier, Mikey has no experience with relationships. You would have to teach him things. Still there will be moments that might seem simple to others but to you, you know it's a way Mikey shows his love for you. For example, draping his jacket over your shoulders or buying an extra snack so you could have some too. If he's not busy with Toman matters, he would want to spend his time with you.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

> Mikey would genuinely support your dreams and passions, telling you to never give up on them. He believes in you with his whole heart, and he knows you would be able to make your goals come true.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

> He would like to try things he never experienced before with you, like taking pictures at the photo booth or going shopping for matching keychains. That being said, what Mikey likes the most is the constant reassurance that you're here for him. Routines like going riding on his motorcycle or just talking with you, it what he like most. He's scared that one day you'd leave him so these mundane routines assures him.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

> You would think Mikey is the forgetful type but he actually pays attention to things. He'll notice you eyeing a certain item in a store or if you're lying to him. He genuinely cares about you and would like to know everything about you, even the shameful parts. Mikey has a hard time with emotions, he may not fully understand your troubles but he'll assure you that he'll be there for you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

> For Mikey to actually want to establish a relationship with someone. It means he sees you as an important person in his life. However, certain things would have to come before you such as his family and Toman. It is something you would have to understand when dating Mikey.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

> Whenever he looks like he's spacing off during Toman meetings while he is paying attention to what's happening his mind can't help but wander towards you. About what you're currently doing or if you're at home safely. Before he starts the engine of his bike, or has nothing to do he fiddles with the keychain on his keys. It's the matching keychain you both have.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

> Mikey is not known to be the most showy when it comes to showing his affections. It's the little things he does for only you, that shows how much he cares about you. Mikey secretly likes the affection you give him even if he denies it. It surprises him everytime you hug him or kiss him but he never stops you or tells you to stop. Just don't do it in front of Toman. Even if he doesn't want to, cuddle him as the big spoon and it'll make him really happy. Since he's so used to keeping a strong facade, cuddling with you gives him the impression that with you maybe he doesn't have to do that.

Y earning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner?

> Mikey will still act as the strong charismatic leader of Toman, where nothing fazes him. He won't outwardly show that he misses you but you can tell by the way he fiddles with his matching keychain or stares off into the distance that he misses you. He might even unconsciously blurt a quiet "I miss (Y/N)...."

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

> Mikey is willing to give his life away to protect you. Just you being with him is dangerous enough who knows who might be out to get him and easiest way they can do that is by getting you. If your safely is at risk even he likes you he would have to break up with you, keep you away from the danger. Because he utmostly cares about your well being and if anything happens to you, it will destroy him.

#sano manjiro #mikey tokyo revengers #mikey x reader #sano manjiro x reader #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers imagines #tokyo revengers x y/n #tokyo manji gang #tokyo manji revengers #skipps writes

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after-witch · 4 years ago

Text

Thanks For Your Donation! [Yandere Shigaraki x Twitch Streamer Reader]

Title: Thanks For Your Donation! [Yandere Shigaraki x Twitch Streamer Reader]

Synopsis: request, “Please I love that troupe where Shigaraki gets obsessed with a twitch stream and deluded himself into believing they’re together until he finally takes her home 🥰”

notes: yandere, kidnapping mention, creeper

Shigaraki glances down at the notification on his phone and his chest suddenly feels tight, anxiety blooming across his skin which makes him want to scratch, scratch, scratch. Your Twitch is live again--fuck, he can’t miss it. He rapidly presses the save button on his Switch, impatient to devote his entire attention to his phone screen--to you.

But fuck, do you make it hard on him lately. You stream so much more now that you’ve gotten followers, gotten popular; donations have become a regular feature rather than something surprising, but those other guys, the ones who flash big donations and write insipid comments, aren’t really fans of yours. Not like he is. He’s been watching and donating and praising you since you were a nobody, a nothing streamer with barely 10 viewers per stream.

That was back when you used to just play games with your cheap little pink earbuds and your messy room behind you. When you used to feel more real, used to express yourself more openly.

You stumbled over words and reacted naturally, which meant you were boring--or you would be boring, to someone that didn’t know you like he did. Sometimes the small circle of viewers would dwindle down to just Shigaraki and you’d talk to him, only him, replying to his chat messages with earnest honesty. Smiles. Jokes. It was so goddamn cute. He always donated one last time before signing off for the night and you would curl your fingers in a heart and cheerfully bid him good night.

But now that you’re getting big, you’re more polished, more presentable, more popular. And less… like you, he thinks. You cleared out some little room just for your gaming streams and you have a nice headset now, a background that he can tell you carefully set up to create just the right vibe. You don’t have time for one-on-one convos with your viewers, because your streams never dwindle down, never fizzle out until you’re left awkwardly signing off.

They’re full-fledged productions, now, whether you’re gaming or doing a Q&A or--these have become one of his favorites--doing a cute yet clearly rehearsed “sleepy morning” stream in your pajamas, picture-perfect coffee in your hand, where you muse about life and love and strawberry pancakes.

It’s cute, he admits, but it’s also too rehearsed. He misses the real you, the real personality that you used to let shine through when hardly anybody was watching. You would only show the real you for him, but now that he’s just one amongst a crowd, you keep yourself protected. He understands. You have an image to maintain, after all.

It’s even changed your gaming habits. Now when you game, you react so dramatically, bordering on ridiculous. You would never scream at a horror game before--sure, you might cringe, or admit that your heart is pounding like a hammer, but you weren’t cartoonish. But it’s what those losers watching want--they want you to open your mouth so big when something scary happens in a game so they can screencap it and imagine you’re opening your mouth to do something… else. They want you to scream girlishly at jump scares or dramatically fawn over cute guy characters. And of course, they want you to react when they donate--they want to hear those sweet little words: “Thank you sooo much, you’re my number one fan!”

It’s your new little catch phrase, something you’ve integrated into every stream now. It’s even in your intro--“Hello, all my number one fans!” It’s an in-joke now between your followers. All part of your brand.

Shigaraki knows you don’t mean to hurt him by calling other guys your number one fan. But it does. But it’s okay. He doesn’t hold it against you. He knows that you don’t really mean it, when you’re saying it to them; he’s smart, he can tell the difference in how you react to his donations versus the donations from the absolute shitheads who watch your streams.

You mean it when you call him your number one fan. It’s the only way he can get you to say his name, now that you’re too busy to really respond properly to the chat. And it’s fine, really, nothing to get too upset over. Because when you finally meet in person, he’ll explain that he’s the only number one fan that you’ll ever need.

He jumps into the stream, annoyed at having missed the beginning, but what he sees on the screen instantly melts away any emotion other than pure adoration and obsession. You’re very… pink today. A pink oversized sweater and pink cat headphones and even glossy pink lipstick that makes your mouth look like candy.

None of the freaks watching the stream know this, but Shigaraki is the reason why you feel comfortable wearing pink. He remembers one of your early streams, where you wondered out loud if it was cliche to be a girl gamer who likes pink; he’d told you that it was fine, and you’d thanked him. Who knows, without his sage advice, you might be wearing clothing you didn’t like. Wouldn’t that be a shame? He makes a mental note to remind you to thank him, somewhere down the line. Maybe when you were out on a date and wearing a short pink skirt and urging him to take a sip of your vanilla-cherry milkshake, letting him put his lips right on your straw.

A date… the thought makes him feel tight all over. Would you date him? I mean, you were practically dating already, truth be told. It just needed to be formalized. He’d spent so much money on you, and in the early days he knew exactly what his donations bought because you’d happily chatter on about getting a new game or perfume or stack of light novels because of his generosity. Of course, you didn’t talk as much as you used to--well, practically never, except when he donated--but that couldn’t be helped. You were stretched thin, being pulled in directions by these so-called-fans who watched your streams but didn’t give a fuck about the real you underneath. The real you that Shigaraki knows all too well.

Would you date him? No, more than that--did you love him? The way he loves you? The thought of the real you, the one who didn’t bite her lip oh-so-obviously in a bid to look adorable, the one who didn’t mind eating messy lunches while she gamed, the one who always always made sure to wish Shigaraki good night, makes him want to find out.

He rarely participates in the chat nowadays. There’s no point, when you rarely respond to anything other than answers to questions you ask, and even then you cherry pick from the countless replies that pop up in seconds. Donating is the best way to catch your eye, to hear those sweet words from your lips that you only mean when he donates.

But something makes him want to try, today. Maybe it’s all his nostalgia for your early days, the early connection you made that is still going strong. Maybe it’s the allure of the glossy pink lipstick smeared across your lips, making him think about how you might taste of cherries or strawberries or pure sugar.

Whatever it is, it’s pulling his fingers towards the chat, and before he knows it, he’s rapidly typed and hit enter. The second he does he begins to scratch furiously at his neck and he can feel the blood even as his message is quickly dominated by other messages in the chat, inane bullshit.

Tomura001: sry for the sudden question but I need to ask you something personal do you love me?

As a quick thought, he makes a donation, just to ease the nervousness that was flooding through him with every passing millisecond.

He hardly blinks as he stares intently at you, sitting in your chair with your pink lips and pink headphone and soft skin and--you glance over, where he knows you keep a larger screen to see the chat.

And suddenly, you’re speaking.

“Awww,” you say, your voice sweet and flattered, even. “Tomura! Of course I love you! You’re my number one fan!”

He can hear his heartbeat in his ears. You do love him. I mean, he knew this already; it’s the little things, like how you still have the light novels you bought with his money on your bookshelf and you thank him for his donations like you mean it and you feel confident enough to wear pink, all thanks to him. But he’s never heard it from your mouth before. From your lips. Soft and pink and inviting.

You love him.

He sets the phone down, a rare occurrence when he’s glued to your streams. But the emotions rushing through him are so strong that he’s worried it will slip out of his fingers and fall, crack on the floor.

He loves you. You love him. You belong to him. So why are you wasting your fucking time streaming to a bunch of worthless losers who don’t care about you? He can buy you the things you want, the things you like. He can clear out some space in his room so you can game together. And he knows girls like things clean, so he’ll even throw out the used soda cans and food wrappers before he brings you home. You’ll appreciate that, just like you appreciated his donations and late-night practically empty stream chats. You’ll be happy with him. And he can see you and hear you and touch you in a way that he’s been dreaming about (and you’ve been dreaming about, he knows) for ages.

All he has to do is find your address--easy enough--and you’ll be living it up with him before you know it.

He chews on his lip and picks up his phone. You’ve moved on--you had to, didn’t you, to keep those viewers donating--but he can tell by the way your lips are pursued that you’re thinking about him.

Your number one fan.

#yandere shigaraki tomura #yandere shigaraki #yandere #yandere x reader #shigaraki x reader #afterwitch writes #I am def. doing part 2 of this eventually

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waitimcomingtoo · 4 years ago

Note

I knew it. I knew tumblr glitched again. Here it is when you have a chance. Teacher!tom has an unruly elementary class to put up with but things change when the new music teacher shows up. Eventually feelings develop between the two and only their students are willing to do something about it.

Here Comes The Sun

pairing: teacher!Tom Holland x Reader

Masterlist

“Jeremiah. Please. If I have to ask you to stop drinking the Elmers glue one more time, I’m gonna have to send you to the principle.”

“It tastes like white!” Jeremiah cheered before squeezing the bottle into his mouth again. All around him, Toms students were screaming and making trouble. His class was known to be unruly, and this day proved to be worst than most. Before Tom could take another step towards just one of his many misbehaving students, a woman he had never seen before slipped into the classroom and knelt down beside Jeremiah.

“Woah there. We don’t want to drink that, my friend.” You chuckled as you took the bottle of glue from him. “It’s not good for our tummy. Why don’t you try milk instead?”

“I’m black toast and taller ants.” Jeremiah told you.

“You’re lactose intolerant?” You connected the dots. “Tell you what, you come find me at lunch time later and I’ll give you a lollipop. Do you like lollipops?”

“Yes.” He nodded eagerly.

“Cool. Can you tell me your name so I know who to give it to?”

“This is Jeremiah.” Tom appeared behind his student and patted his back. “He does this a lot.”

“I had a feeling.” You laughed as you stood up. “I’m Miss. L/n.”

“Mr. Holland.” Tom reached out to shake your hand. “Nice to meet you. Jeremiah, why don’t you go sit down for some quiet time, okay?”

“I’m Y/n.” You said as soon as he left.

“Tom.” Tom laughed. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“I’m the new music teacher.” You told him. “I’ve been making my rounds and introducing myself to the other teachers. Your kids are still a little young for music so that’s why you haven’t seen me.”

“Oh. That’s a shame.” Tom pursed his lips. Of course the gorgeous new teacher who could magically tame his kids wasn’t on his floor. He knew he’d barely see you, and he really wanted to see you.

“Is it?” You smiled coyly.

Just then, a scream ripped through the classroom. No one was hurt, they just wanted to scream.

“For the kids, I mean.” He covered up his accidental flirtatious remark. “We could all use a little music in our lives.”

“I completely agree. It calms the kids right down. It’s like magic.”

“I could definitely use some magic.” Tom laughed over the noise.

“When I play In My Life, they get so quiet, you’d think they were asleep.” You told him your secret.

“I love that song.” He smiled softly at you. “I love Here Comes the Sun too.”

“Me too!” You gushed. “My favorite is I Wanna Hold Your Hand though.”

“I like it too. I have a feeling we’ll get along.”

“Mr. Holland, you may be my first friend here.” You smiled shyly at him. “I’ll see you around.”

Tom watched as you left with a happy smile on his face.

“Is that your girlfriend?” Amanda asked, making Tom jump a little. He looked at her and then out at the class, who was suspiciously quiet. They were all staring eagerly at Tom.

“No. That’s the new music teacher.” He said skeptically as he made his way to the front of the class.

“She’s pretty.” Another student spoke up. All the kids nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, she is.” Tom laughed shyly. “Now, who wants to do some math?”

October

“Hi.” You knocked on Toms doorframe as you walked into his classroom, the same thing you did every day. He sighed in relief at the sight of you and made his way over to you.

“Hey little darling.” He greeted you. “How is your Tuesday treating you?”

“I’m gonna assume it’s treating me better than yours is treating you.” You chuckled as his students screamed and ran around behind him.

“What gave it away?” He asked sarcastically as a paper ball flew over his head.

“I had a hunch.” You played along. “How are you holding up?”

“Not great.” He sighed. “I’m getting a migraine and it’s not even 10 am.”

“Would apple slices make it better?” You presented a bag of apple slices from behind your back.

“They might.” Tok said sheepishly. You held the bag out to him and let him take a few, rubbing his arm to soothe him as he took a bite.

“Thank you. You’re a life saver.” He said with his mouth full.

“I have some Motrin in my bag if you want.” You offered. “It might help with the migraine. And your PMS.”

“Funny.” He narrowed his eyes at you. “Thank you again.”

“No problem. Why don’t you step out for a minute and I’ll look after your class? I’m off this period anyway.” You squeezed his arm to comfort him further.

“Are you sure? They bite.” He grimaced, and you let out a laugh.

“So do I.” You shrugged, making Toms eyes widen.

“That was a joke.” You said quickly. “Take a minute, gather yourself, and then come back. I’ll be here as long as you need.”

“You’re an angel. Thank you so much.” He brought his arms around you and squeezed you.

“I thought I was a little darling.” You chuckled into his ear as you hugged him back.

“A woman can be more than one thing.” Tom teasingly rolled his eyes.

“Very true. See you in a few.” You squeezed his hand. He gave you an appreciative smile before leaving the classroom. You made you way to the front of the class and clapped your hands.

“Hi my friends.” You shouted over the noise. “What have you been learning today?”

The students quieted down at the sight of you and one girl raised her hand.

“Yes, Carly?” You called on her.

“Are you and Mr. Holland dating?” She asked politely. The rest of the students nodded and looked at you, as if they all had the same question.

“No, we are not dating.” You laughed nervously. “Boys have cooties, haven’t you heard?”

“Do you like him?” Another student raised her hand.

“He definitely likes you!” A girl called out.

“Now class, I know it’s fun to speculate, but Mr. Holland and I are not together.” You told them. “You know who is together though? Q and U. They’re married, in fact. That’s why they’re always together in words like quiet and question. Can anyone else give me a “qu-“ word? Yes, Elizabeth.”

“Croissant.” Elizabeth answered.

“So close.” You nodded. “That’s actually a “cra” not a “qua” sound.”

“Not the way Mr. Holland says it.” Another student cut in.

“That’s because he’s from the O.K, Josh. They speak differently.” Elizabeth turned around in her seat and rolled her eyes.

“Oo, very close again.” You tried not to laugh. “Mr. Holland is from the UK.”

“Oh.” Elizabeth turned back around in shame.

“That’s okay.” You assured her. “Everyone makes mistakes. How do you guys feel about Mr. Holland anyway?”

“I love him.” One of the boys raised his hand. “He lets us have snack time. Mr. Osterfield’s class doesn’t do that.”

“I like him too.” Another boy chimed in. “He gave me extra time on my math test when I couldn’t figure out what 9x10 was.”

“Do you know the answer now?” You asked him.

“Uh huh.” He nodded eagerly. “90.”

“Great job.” You clapped for him. “Maybe you’ll be a math teacher one day.”

The boy smiled and shrunk down in his seat, proud of himself for knowing the answer.

“Hello, class.” Tom came back into the room and smiled at you. “Did you all behave for Miss L/n?”

“Yes they did.” You beamed at the class. “What a smart, well behaved class.”

“Are you sure you watched the right class?” Tom said out of the corner of his mouth so only you could here.

“I’m sure.” You chuckled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Holland.”

“See you tomorrow little darling.” He smiled softly at you as you walked out of the classroom. He sighed happily and went to his desk, immediately noticing a packet of apples slices you left for him.

“Mr. Holland! I have a question.” A student calling out caught his attention.

“Yes, Amanda?” He asked.

“Is Miss L/n your girlfriend?” She asked, making Tom go bright red.

“What? No. What? No. What? No.” Tom stammered.

“You like her!” Amanda gasped. “I knew you liked her. I told you Elizabeth. Carly and I were right.”

“Whatever.” Elizabeth rolled her eyes again.

“I have a question.” Tony raised his hand.

“Yes?” Tom asked nervously.

“When are you gonna ask Miss L/n out?” Tony asked, making the class nod.

“This is not appropriate for class time.” Tom laughed nervously as he made his way to the blackboard.

“But you guys are so perfect for each other!” Carly whined. “You need to ask her to be your girlfriend. She’ll totally say yes.”

“You think so?” Tom asked them shook his head when he realized he was asking third graders for relationship advice. “I mean, this is not up for discussion.”

“But you guys belong together.” Amanda gushed.

“She totally likes you.” Jennifer piped up.

“Ask her out already.” Joseph called out.

“Please? I’ve always wanted to go to a wedding.” Kaley said and all the girls agreed.

“Me too. Can I be the flower girl?” Elizabeth raised her hand to ask.

“I wanna be the flower girl.” Carly whined again.

“Her niece Sophie would definitely be the flower girl.” Tom chuckled, then shook his head again. “Not that we’re getting married.”

“Why not?” Candy pouted.

“Because she’s not even my girlfriend.” Tom reminded them.

“So ask her out.” Jason said simply. “She’ll never be your girlfriend unless you ask her out.”

“I think that’s enough of this topic for today.” Tom clapped his hands as he diverged from the topic. “Who wants to do some sentence structure?”

November

“Jason, please stop biting Candy.” Tom begged. “That’s just her name. She is not actually candy.”

His attention was immediately drawn to another student who was misbehaving.

“Elizabeth! Get that out of your mouth! Erasers are not food. I say this everyday.” Tom whined as he made his way over to Elizabeth to take the erasers from her. His eyes drifted to the boys, and he immediately regretted it.

“Oh my God. Joseph, put that back in your pants.” Tom groaned. “Please.”

“Mr. Holland! Mr. Holland!” Eric screamed from across the room. “Watch me floss, Mr. Holland!”

Tom looked at Eric, who was flossing rapidly in the back of the classroom.

“Very nice, Eric.” Tom nodded stiffly.

“Who’s Eric? My name Jeff!” The child quoted the outdated vine, making all his friends laugh.

“Okay.” Tom said weakly.

“Epic chungus moment.” Eric and his friends shifted into a T pose. “Bruh bruh bruh BIG OOF bruh bruh bruh.”

“Okay.” Tom repeated.

“Mr. Holland?” Tom felt someone tap him from behind.

“Yes, Jeremiah?” Tom knelt down beside his student.

“Watch this!” Jeremiah cheered before opening his mouth and squirting Elmer’s glue inside.

“Oh my God. Please. Don’t drink the glue. I’m begging you.” Tom pleaded as he wrestled the glue bottle from his hands.

“But Rachel is.” Jeremiah said with a full mouth.

“Rachel is - - RACHEL.” Tom yelled when he saw another student pouring glue into her mouth.

“No drinking glue.” Tom snatched the bottle from Rachel. “This is not a snack.”

“But I’m hungry.” Jeremiah whined.

“We just had snack time.” Tom reminded him.

“Tony ate my snack.” Jeremiah pouted.

“Why did Tony do that?”

“Because I gave it to him.” Jeremiah said simply and Tom groaned.

“Remember what I said about sharing snack?” Tom said through a forced smile. “We can’t share snacks in case someone has an allergy.”

“But you said sharing is caring.” Rachel spoke up.

“Yes, I did say that.” Tom kept a tight smile. “Sharing is caring unless it comes to snacks. Then we have to keep our snacks to ourselves.”

“But you and Miss L/n share food all the time.” Rachel continued.

“It’s different with Miss L/n and I.” Tom explained. “We’re adults so we can share snacks. She’s not allergic to anything I give her.”

“Do you think she’d like some glue if I shared it with her?” Jeremiah asked.

“Maybe, if she was making an arts and crafts pro-“

“I mean to drink.” He cut Tom off. Before Tom could answer, a scream caught his attention.

“Candy!” He shouted. “Don’t bite Jason!”

He spun around in circles, seeing children misbehaving everywhere he turned. He was getting over whelmed very quickly as just as he was going to succumb to defeat, you opened his classroom door.

“Hi my friends!” You shouted over the noise and held up your guitar. This caught their attention and they all stopped in their tracks, eyed glued to the guitar like bugs to a light.

“Hi Miss L/n.” The class said in unison as they returned to their seats.

“Does anyone here like music?” You asked as you rested your guitar against your chest. You looked at Tom and winked, and he instantly melted. Like Superman, you had burst in the room to save him. The students nodded eagerly and watched your every move.

“You do?” You gasped. “Me too!”

You stood in front of the class and began to strum a simply melody on your guitar.

“Here comes the sun, do do do do.” You sang to them.

The children fell silent as they became enthralled by the music. Tom leaned against his desk with a huge smile, unable to be more in love with you.

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here. Sing along, my friends.” You asked of them.

“Here comes the sun do do do do. Here comes the sun and I’ll say.” The children sang along with you.

“What’ll you say?” You asked as you continued playing.

“It’s all right.” They sang in response. You finished out the song, slowly letting the music fade out at the end.

“Thanks for listening my friends.” You spoke softly. “Now, let’s all put our heads down for some quiet time.”

The children listened to you and kid their heads down on their desks, shutting their eyes as well. Tom walked over to you and pulled you into a tight hug.

“Thank you. You are such a gift.” He mumbled in your ear.

“I try.” You laughed as you pulled away. “I learned the song just for you.”

“Did you really?” His eyes widened in appreciation.

“No. I’ve known it for years.” You admitted. “But wouldn’t it be romantic if I did?”

“That’s very romantic.” He agreed. “Has anyone ever done that for you?”

“Unfortunately, I have yet to be serenaded.” You sighed dramatically.

“How rude.” Tom teased, making a mental note of what you were saying.

“I know, right?” You added. “It’s a tragedy.”

“I think my class might be asleep.” He realized as he looked around. “You’re like a child whisperer.”

“I told you. Magic, baby.” You smiled as you held up your guitar.

“Oh, it’s definitely magic.” He noted with a grin.

“Well I should head back down. The recorders won’t play themselves.” You sighed again, a little sadly this time.

“See you later, little darling.” He squeezed your hand.

“See you later.” You waved, your high heels clicking against his floor as you left. Tom let out a content sigh, reveling in the rare silence of the classroom. Jeremiah slowly raised his hand and looked at Tom.

“Mr. Holland?” He whispered.

“Yes Jeremiah?” Tom asked.

“You know what you have to do.” Jeremiah gave him a pointed look. The rest of Toms students looked up with wide open, blinking eyes, all staring at Tom. Tom sighed again, knowing his students were right.

December

You knocked on Toms door the following week, the early December chill in the air. He let out a nervous breath as he opened the door for you, knowing it was finally time to enact his plan.

“Class, we have a special visitor with us.” Tom announced as he let you in. “Can we all give a musical welcome to Miss L/n?”

The class greeted you with excitement and you did the same.

“Hey kids.” You waved. “Good to see you all.”

“Good to see you too.” You turned to Tom and held up a bag. “Pretzel?”

“Thank you.” Tom smiled as he took a pretzel from the bag. “So, um, I have a proposition for you.”

“I’m listening.” You nodded as you munched on a pretzel.

“We always have lunch together, right?” He began.

“That’s right.”

“Would you maybe want to have dinner together one night?” He squeaked, knowing his face was bright red. Behind him, his class was dead silent, all pretending not to listen as they tried to hear every word.

“Ooo.” You raised your eyebrows in surprise. “Like an after school activity?”

“I was thinking this Saturday.” He offered. “I could take you somewhere where they have better food than apple slices and pretzels, though I do love those.”

“You wanna give me your weekends, Mr. Holland?” You asked through a coy smile.

“You know, little darling, I really do.” He smiled back.

“Then it’s a date.” You blushed. “I’ll see you Saturday.”

“All right. Saturday.” He nodded, letting out a nervous laugh.

“Bye now. See you at lunch.” You put your hand on his arm and kissed his cheek before turning to his class.

“Well it was great to see all of you!” You grinned. “I hope you have a fantastic rest of your day.”

You winked at Tom before leaving swiftly, a silence settling in once you were gone.

“Well?” Amanda called out.

“Well what?” Tom asked.

“Did you do it?” Carly was nearly bouncing out of her seat.

“Class, I know you like Miss L/n but our personal relationship is none of your concern.” Tom reminded his students. The class let out a collective groan, and Carly looked like he might cry. They were all dead silent, and it made Tom feel slightly bad.

“Yes, I asked her out.” He admitted and the class erupted into cheers and applause. Tom rolled his eyes as an embarrassed smile tugged at his lips.

Tom walked into his class the following week and was met with an uncharacteristically silent classroom. His set his bag on his desk and looked around, growing more suspicious by the second. All his students were staring at him expectantly, yearning for him to speak.

“You guys are oddly quiet.” Tom commented. “Did Jeremiah eat another book?”

“How was the date?” Carly was the first to speak up, and everyone chimed in. They were leaning on the edges of their seats, impatiently waiting for the answer.

“Did you kiss her?” Tony asked.

“Did you guys hold hands?” Elizabeth sighed.

“What did she wear?” Amanda wondered. “I bet she looked so pretty.”

“Did you take her to your penthouse and freak it?” Jeremiah asked.

“Did I - - what?” Tom looked at his student in confusion.

“Are you guys gonna get married now?” Jennifer called out.

“No, Jennifer.” Tom chuckled. “We’re not getting married now.”

“I hate it here.” Jennifer grumbled as she shrunk down in her seat.

“Okay, we have a lot to get though today so I hope you all had a good nights sleep. If you could all take out your social studies textbooks and turn to page 116 for me.” Tom began to teach. He turned on the Smartboard and turned to his class, seeing them all sluggishly taking out their textbooks with glum expressions. He let out a sigh and rested his hands on his hips.

“You guys aren’t gonna focus unless I tell you about the date, huh?” He realized. His students shook their heads and he chuckled a little.

“The date was amazing. She wore a black dress with white music notes on the waistline. She looked very pretty. We held hands when I was walking to her car and yes, I kissed her.” He answered their questions. The class dissolved into giggles, applause, and commentary.

“All right, I told you. Now, textbooks. I mean it.” He said pointedly, and for once, they complied.

You and Tom continued to date, keeping up with your lunch dates, but engaging in weekend and after school dates as well. Tom students kept an eye out for a ring on your finger as the months went by, asking him almost every week when the wedding was. Come May, he actually had an answer for them.

May

“Class, I have a favor to ask you.” Tom announced to his class on a particularly warm morning. “I am going to ask Miss L/n to marry me.”

His class began to scream, and this time, it was welcomed. Carly started crying while Jennifer and Kaley jumped up and down.

“I know, I know.” Tom grinned. “It’s been a long time coming. That’s why I need your help. If I’m going to pull this off, I’m gonna need all hands on deck. Are you guys in?”

“We’ll do anything.” Carly promised.

“Great.” Tom nodded. “First, I need some ideas.”

“You have to show her how much you love her. You need to make a romantic gesture.” Rachel declared.

“Yes! You have to do something big so she knows how much you care.” Jennifer agreed.

“Get her a dozen roses.” Kaley suggested.

“No, he needs two dozen.” Carly said. “And chocolate.”

“You should get a flock of doves to deliver the ring.” Elizabeth spoke up.

“Or show up on a horse.” Rachel added. While the girls began to discuss, Amanda quietly raised her hand.

“Yes, Amanda?” Tom called on her.

“She’s a music teacher, right?” Amanda asked and the class quieted down to listen.

“Yeah.” Tom nodded.

“So play her some music.” Amanda shrugged.

“What do you mean?” Tom wondered.

“I have an idea.” Amanda grinned.

June

“Hey, Mr. Holland asked that you go to his classroom.” Mr. Osterfield popped into your class to tell you. “He said his students are a nightmare right now.”

“Oh, sure. I’ll be right there.” You hopped off your desk and went to the door. “Thanks.”

You quickly made your way to Toms classroom, knowing how unruly his class could be. You opened the door and stepped inside.

“Mr. Holland, are you ok-“ You stopped mis sentence when you saw Tom sitting on a stool, surrounded by all his students. They were quiet and tame, smiling eagerly at you as you shut the door behind you. The weirdest part, however, was the guitar in Toms hands.

“Whats this?” You asked through a hesitant smile.

“1,2,34.” Carly counted down to cue them in.

“Yeah I’ll tell you something I think you’ll understand.” Tom began to sing as he played along on the guitar. “When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand.”

“I wanna hold your hand. I wanna hold you hand.” His students sang in perfect unison. You covered your mouth with your hands as tears welled up in your eyes.

“I wanna hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand.” His students backed him up. They finished out the song while you stood there is happy shock, hanging on to every note. Tom set the guitar down once he finished and stood up, slowly making his way to you. He took your hands in his and smiled softly.

“You’ve given me your lunch time and weekends. Would you mind giving me the rest of your life too?” Tom asked as he presented you with a delicate diamond ring. Your eyes flickered to the ring and widened before looking back at Tom with a dropped jaw. The anticipation in the classroom was palpable as the students eagerly awaited your answer. All at once, your mouth closed into a smile and you nodded.

“You know,” you laughed as a tear of joy rolled down your cheek, “I really would.”

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kiingocreative · 3 years ago

Text

The Structure of Story is now available! Check it out on Amazon, via the link in our bio, or at https://kiingo.co/book

Performance coach Tony Robbins says that the quality of our lives depends on the state we live in every moment of every day. That state, whether we’re happy, sad, frustrated or excited, depends on three things:

• Our physiology — the way we move our bodies, the way we breathe and what we do with our face.

• Our language — the words we use, whether spoken out loud or inside our own head, to describe our experiences.

• What we focus on — the things we see versus the things we block out or fail to notice.

Today, I want to zone in on that final piece, because what we focus on is key, and it will in turn affect the way you move your body and hold yourself, and the language you use. I see this play out so much around me in general, and in the writing community in particular.

At any given time, the things we focus on determine how we feel and what we make of a situation. And what we focus on, in turn, is governed by the questions we ask ourselves every moment of every day.

Take your writing journey for instance:

If someone leaves you a negative review, do you ask yourself whether this means you’re a failure and your work is a failure? Do you ask yourself how dare that person belittle your work with a bad review? Or do you ask yourself what you can learn from this? Could you ask yourself how good it is that this person was honest in their feedback, so that readers with similar tastes won’t buy your book—and therefore not spend money on a read they might otherwise dislike and rate negatively too?

See how different questions would illicit different points of focus, and therefore different states? Some are more conducive to a positive mindset, whilst others tend to nurture frustration.

‘Why’ Questions: The Endless Loop.

And so it goes that by asking lousy questions, we get lousy answers. Because our brain has this tendency of taking any request we give it and processing it, regardless of whether or not it’s good for us. It’ll scour through the recesses of our mind and go on and on until it finds an answer.

‘Why’ questions are the worst, because there’s often no clear answer, or more than one possible answer to them, and it sends our mind on a chase to find as many possible reasons, processing like a headless chicken, often going around in circles, leaving us ruminating.

Take our example again: What if you asked yourself ‘why is this person leaving me a bad review?’

Now unleash your brain on that one, and let it roll with it—you may get:

• Because they didn’t like the book.

• Because my book is terrible.

• And if my book is terrible, then that makes me a terrible writer.

• Maybe I should just stop writing.

• Who was I to think I could do this?

• I’m clearly not good enough.

• Or maybe they left a bad review because they’re an idiot and didn’t get the brilliance of my work.

• Clearly they’re a moron.

• Maybe I should track them down and tell them just that.

• Maybe I should rally everyone I know on Instagram to shame that dimwit for leaving that review.

• …

… this can go on, until it loops back to the top and starts again. Sounds familiar?

What kind of state do you think you’d be in from obsessing over those disempowering, angering questions, never able to get closure because the loop has no logical end?

Empowering Alternatives.

My own experience of asking myself lousy questions, and my interactions with others within the writing community, have left me convinced that writers need to start asking themselves more empowering questions.

Because the way we tend to ask questions to ourself—those that breed anger, and resentment, and self doubt—ultimately only bring us back to two fears that sit at the root of it all: the fear that we’re not good enough, and the fear that we won’t be loved (or appreciated, or liked). These fears can be crippling. And that can’t be good for anyone’s art anywhere.

I’m writing this today to give you some more empowering alternatives. Some that I have used along my journey and have helped me improve.

Here are four examples:

#1 — gearing up for success:

• Instead of: ‘Why are other writers so much more successful than I am?’

• Ask yourself: ‘What I can learn from other writers to become more successful myself?’

There’s a lot of comparison out there. We know we shouldn’t fall into the trap of it, but it’s easier said than done.

If you see fellow writers thriving with their writing, their social media strategy or their exposure, try modelling what they do that is working and find what, from that, works for you.

Better even, reach out to people and ask them for advice—most people will be more than happy to share, and it’s a great way to build a network!

#2 — boosting sales:

• Instead of: ‘Why am I not selling books?’

• Ask yourself: ‘What I can do to increase my book sales?’

It can be discouraging to have published something, and to see your sales figures stalling. If you start wallowing in self pity through disempowering ‘why’ questions, you’re bound to start spiralling.

Instead, make a list of what you could do to help your sales along.

Here are some ideas that come to mind:

• Seek out book clubs and put your book on their radar. See if they’d been interested in reading your book and having you for an author Q&A when they’re done reading the book.

• Look into running promotions on Amazon (like discounted eBooks).

• Go local! Reach out to your local community and spread the word (cafes, local bookshops and libraries, local Facebook groups and communities etc.) and give them a chance to support a local.

• Contact your old school or university and enquire about showcasing you and your book as an alumni success story.

• Build genuine connections with fellow writers, avid readers and book bloggers. These relationships are a fantastic way to increase your reach and spreading the word about your book—and as a result, improve sales.

• Offer to do a read and review swap with a fellow author, where you read and review each other’s book.

• And so on.

If you start asking your brain to think outside the box, it’ll do just that!

#3 — the writer’s life:

• Instead of: ‘Why can’t I be a full-time writer and have financial security from writing?’

• Ask yourself: 'How is my present occupation helping my writing?’

• …And then ask: 'What can I do to increase my revenue from writing?’

This is one topic that’s been crossing my mind a lot, and I suspect many of us out there have pondered it at one point or other. If asked the wrong way, this question can send you spiralling into a frustrated state.

I don’t write full-time at present, and I have had my moments of daydreaming hours away, wishing I could live off my craft. That never led to anything very productive.

What I have found helpful however has been to focus on what my day job enables me to do with my writing:

• It takes away the pressure of earning a full income from writing.

• It gives me time to write and experiment with my craft in different forms.

• It enables me to look into ways to monetise my writing at my own pace.

• And that’s made for much more exciting trains of thought!

#4 — social media guru:

• Instead of: ‘Why can’t I manage to grow my Instagram reach?’ Or ‘why is social media sapping my energy?’

• Ask yourself: ‘What can I do to create a healthier balance when it comes to promotion efforts?’

Social media is a tricky one. It has incredible benefits if leveraged the right way, and it’s an amazing tool to get yourself and your work out there. In fact, I recently wrote a piece on the immense value of joining Bookstagram for writers.

But it can also be a drain, because the mechanisms of social media are built on the principle of addiction. It’s literally designed to suck you in and make you crave more, and fear that you’re missing out and not doing enough.

To avoid falling into that vicious circle, I’ve found it much healthier to ask myself how I can find the right balance to achieve what I want with my social media presence whilst also keeping my sanity. What this ends up being will look different for different people. If you’re unsure where to start, think about what you find challenging about maintaining your social media account, then what you find helps with your peace of mind, and try to find a middle ground somewhere in between that meets your needs.

Ask and thou shalt get.

I’m a firm believer in our ability to manifest our reality—at least to some extent. If you focus on all the wrong things, then your reality will look challenging and bleak.

If you train yourself to look for constructive ways forward and to get yourself excited about making the journey smoother for yourself, then finding that sweet spot that works for you can be a fascinating journey.

And that all starts with asking the right questions. Finding the right point of focus. Writing can be a wonderful, yet at times confusing and challenging journey. So do yourself a favour: where possible, take away those mind blocks that stand in your way!

Different questions about your writing journey illicit different points of focus, and therefore different states. Some are more conducive to a positive mindset, whilst others tend to nurture frustration.

#writingtips #screenwriting #creative writing #writers on tumblr #writers #writing #writerblr #writing advice #writing community #writing resources

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hockeywhhores · 4 years ago

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it’s a love hate kind of thing- Q. Hughes

Quinn Hughes x f!Reader

warning~ angsty as hell, swearing, miscommunications

summary~ You have to quarantine with the Hughes family, and you finally get to know why Quinn started to hate you.

genre~ enemies to lovers, angsty to fluff

word count~ 2.9K

Valentine’s masterlist

main masterlist

You don’t even remember how you became friends with Jack and Luke Hughes. Though, it was how most people became friends. You met Jack in highschool where you had a couple of classes, and mutual friends. From there you grew closer to the middle brother and soon met his brothers. Quinn was what you considered being your friend, but only for six months. Until he just stopped talking to you entirely. Luke had always been a genuine friend. When Quinn just stopped being your friend, it threw you through a loop. Was it something you did? What did you even do? Jack and Luke were there to say that he was just their older brother being an asshat, but you were still wary. You had the biggest crush on him from the moment you met him, and it really hurt when he stopped talking to you without an explanation.

You had no time to dwell on the past, as you were now in college. Jack had made it to the big leagues, and Luke was projected to follow suit. If anyone asked Ellen, she would say that you were at their house more than you were at your own dorm. Ellen didn’t even mind the company. You were teaching Luke how to cook proper meals, so he could be more self-efficient than his brothers. But then coronavirus hit. Hockey was canceled, they sent home the players, and colleges closed their doors. Ellen gladly let you stay at the Hughes’ household, while you waited for the dorms to reopen. The worst part of this deal was that Quinn was also coming home. You decided to just stay out of his way, but that was going to be hard with how close the brothers were.

“Y/n you want to go roller skate with us?” Jack was yelling at you from the living room, while you were making yourself some iced tea in the kitchen. Before you could respond, you heard Quinn. You weren’t sure if he didn’t want you to hear it or if he did.

“Dude, why did you invite her?”

Ouch.

“No thanks, Jack. I think I’m going to help your mom reorganize the cleaning closet.” you semi-lied. You had wanted to go play street hockey with them, but you really weren’t in the mood to listen to Quinn insult you.

“Come on! Please y/n!” Luke was now trying to convince you. The guys now moved in the kitchen where you were still making your drink.

“I think your mom is going to need some help to clean the closets.” you tried to push the looks they were giving you out of your head. Quinn looked disgusted. Jack and Luke were trying to give you puppy eyes.

“Oh, y/n you don’t have to help me. Go play with the guys.” It shocked you when you heard Ellen’s voice coming into the kitchen. Now you really didn’t have an excuse to not go. Jack and Luke high fives and started cheering.

“Thank you mom!” you heard Jack cheer out. You didn’t dare look at Quinn. You knew he had to have a look of disappointment. “Well, come on!” Jack grabbed your arm and dragged you outside.

Rollerblading was not your forte. You were so much better at ice skating, and Quinn never let you forget that as you tried to stop by turning your foot. Quinn also bumped into you hard, but you said nothing. You didn’t want to give me another thing to critic you about. Jack was on your team, and Luke was on Quinn’s team. Jack voiced out that it wasn’t fair, because you haven’t been playing hockey your whole life.

“You wanted me to come play with you guys.” you shrugged out and heard Quinn’s scoff.

“I told you guys not to invite her.” Quinn never missed a beat with the insults. You rolled your eyes, and started passing that puck to Luke, who was across from you.

“Lets just play.” Luke became the voice of reason, between Jack and Quinn’s argument, about being nicer to you.

Everyone knew the Hughes brothers were competitive, so you tried to stay out of the way of their sticks. You were just staying towards the designated spot for the goal until you heard your phone go off. You knew they wouldn’t care about you going to pick it up. Skating over to the garage where you left it, you noticed it was your friend Will that was calling you.

“Hey Will!” you cheered into your phone. Getting the attention of the guys. You just waved them off as you sat down on the floor.

“Hey y/n! I was wondering if you could give me some tips for online dating.” Will asked you squeamishly.

“I haven’t dated in years. I don’t know if I’m going to be any help.” you admitted.

“I know, but you are great at starting conversations. I just want some tips on how to be more outgoing, I guess.”

“Just start by asking about their interests, and then just fine common ground. Your set after that.” you explained. “Don’t be afraid they’re just another human being.”

“I don’t want to text first, but I don’t think she wants to either,” he confessed. “Before I go, how is the Hughes family treating you? Quinn still being a dick?”

“Yeah, but nothing I’m not used to from him. Aside from that, everything is going great. We were just playing street hockey, before you called.”

“Well, this was just going to be a quick call, but we should talk more later.”

“Yeah, totally! Bye! Remember, she is just another human being.” you explain one last time.

“I will! Bye!” You clicked off the phone and were met with three eyes watching you. You got up from the ground and skated back to them.

“What?” you asked, curious why they were just staring at you.

“Who were you talking to?” Luke jokingly poked you, with his eyebrows going up and down.

“Not that it’s any of you guys' business, but I was talking to my friend Will.”

“Who’s Will?” Jack asked, genuinely curious.

“Probably just some else she’s fucked.” Quinn mumbled under his breath.

“Actually, no, he isn’t. He’s a friend that goes to my college, and he wanted some advice on how to talk to a girl he has been going after.” you were beyond pissed at Quinn now. Usually he just stuck to the insults about how terrible you were at hockey, or how he doesn’t want you around, but calling you a slut was crossing the line. “I’m done playing. See you inside.” was the last thing you said before you quickly took off the rollerblades, and went inside, without looking back at the guys.

“What the hell, Quinn” Jack yelled at his brother. “That was so not cool.”

“Yeah. Why the hell did you think you could say something like that to y/n. She has been nothing, but nice to you and you are being a total asshole to her.” Quinn just shook his head. He didn’t even know why he said that, but he would not be scolded by his younger brothers. Without giving them an explanation, he went back inside as well. As Quinn walked past your ‘room’ he could hear you crying. What he said was harsh, but not as harsh as you when you supposedly hooked up with his teammate, while you were talking to him.

Quinn was getting into the talking stage with you, and things were going good. You would send him good luck text before his games, and he would text you/hang out with you whenever he could. Until he had heard his teammate, James, talking about how good you were in bed. Quinn even came to your rescue saying how they shouldn’t talk about you like that, but when James told him when you had hooked up with him, he couldn't stand being around you. He was heartbroken. Quinn thought he did everything right. You were close with his entire family, and he tried to give you as much as he could, but you chose James. After that he wanted nothing to do with you and thought if he just insulted you enough you would leave him and his brother’s alone. But Jack and Luke liked you too much to let you stop being their friend. Quinn never told his brothers what made him hate you, because it wasn’t his business who you slept with. That still doesn't mean that he was going to continue giving his whole heart to you, while you slept with other people.

Dinner was awkward. No one really knew what to say. You had left your room in an enormous pair of sweatpants, a shirt that was a bit too big, and puffy, red eyes. Your hair was in a bun, and you weren’t really into talking. Quinn felt as if he should apologize, but didn’t really know what to say. He knew he hurt you, but you also hurt him. After you finished your plate, you thanked Ellen and went back to your room. Jack and Luke were quick to follow you, leaving Quinn and his mom together.

“What happened between you two? I thought you two were going to finally get into a relationship, but here you are. You are making her cry, and she can’t even look at you anymore. Doesn’t that make you sad?” Ellen questioned her oldest son.

“I thought we were going to become exclusive as well, but then she went behind my back, and slept with James Fisher. It does make me sad. I was so sure that we had mutual feelings, but I was just someone for her to play with.” This was the first time Quinn has ever told anyone why he disliked you so much.

“Have you talked to her about it? I trusted nothing that came out of that kid's mouth.” Ellen quizzed her son. “You both deserve answers.” with that she cleared her plate and started cleaning the kitchen. Quinn knew she was right, but he doubted that you even wanted to talk to him. Yet, He went to find you.

Quinn found you in your room with his brothers. He heard the laughs and the chirps before he even was close to the door. He lightly tapped on the door, making it swing open more and revealed him.

“What do you want, Quinn?” you demanded, voice as cold as ice. Jack and Luke were just looking at him.

“I wanted to talk to you. I owe you an apology.” he explained. It surprised you; Quinn never apologized for his insults. “Can I talk to you? Alone.” After you nodded, his brothers jumped up from sitting on the floor and left.

“Are you going to come in?” you asked him, pointing at the chair in the far corner. He just nodded and closed the door. He sat in the chair and just started talking.

“I wanted to say sorry for the comment I said earlier.”

“Why did you even think to say something like that?” you challenged him.

“Because that was what happened with James.” Quinn said seriously. “I thought we had something going on, and then you go and sleep around with my teammate. I don’t care what you do with your body, but you had to do it while we were talking. I was putting everything into getting our relationship started and you really thought sleeping with James was better. I was just a game to you. God dammit y/n, I loved you.” Quinn just confessed everything. He couldn’t keep it in anymore.

“I never slept with James.” you mumbled. “He made that all up just because I wouldn’t sleep with him. You weren’t just a game. I fell in love with you too. I still am, but if you just asked me, you would’ve known that I did not sleep with James. James is an egotistical asshole who lied to everyone.” you explained in a claim voice. You had tears in your eyes, and you saw some in his as well. Lightly patting the spot on the bed next to you; Quinn promptly moved next to you. Right when he sat down next to you; you pushed yourself into his arms, pulling him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry that you thought I was just playing you.” You cried into his shoulder.

“No. No. No. This is all my fault I should’ve just asked you. I’m so sorry y/n. I truly am a dick.” Quinn was playing with your hair while you hugged, and you just sank deeper into his arms.

That night was different for everyone. When a movie was put on, you and Quinn weren’t insulting each other. You guys were actually sitting next to each other, holding hands, and even sharing a blanket. Things weren’t great between you too, but things were better. The night was peaceful.

The next day, the sun was shining, and you needed to get outside and experience it. You put on your tanning swimsuit and laid out on the lawn, while the guys were playing street hockey. They really couldn’t get enough hockey. You giggle every time, one brother chirped the other.

“You want to play y/n?” Quinn asked you, when you started coughing after laughing so hard at something Jack called Quinn

“Oh, I don’t think so.” you barely got out. Turning around so you could your back under the sun. You felt Quinn’s eyes on your body, and you looked over at him and gave him a wink and a genuine smile. You were happy. You felt as if you belonged.

“Come on, babe, come help me show these dorks up.” Quinn pleaded with you. The pet name rolled off his tongue without him even knowing he said it.

“I mean, you asked so nicely.” You joked with him as you got up and grabbed your rollerblades.

“Yay! I call y/n!” Quinn cheered out so loudly that you were sure the entire block heard him. You laughed and grabbed that shortest stick you could find. Skating over to the boys while they were standing around waiting for you to get closer, you got close enough and stole it from where Luke had it steady. You shot it towards the mini net they had, and surprisingly it went in!

“Oh my god! Y/n just did that!” Jack shouted out in disbelief

“Hell yeah, she did!” Quinn countered and pulled you into his arms. The swim suit you were wearing was supportive enough for you to play, but still showed enough skin to tan in. Feeling his hand on your bare waist took your breath away. You turned and smiled at him.

“Aren’t you glad you picked me.” you chirped at him.

“I’m never not going to pick you.” Quinn declared, looking straight into your eyes. You made the first move and pulled him into a kiss. The kiss was one of love and pining. The kiss was making up for all the ones that were missed.

“Hey lovebirds! Get a room!” you heard Jack yell out from behind you.

“Dude, shut up.” Luke told Jack for you and Quinn. You were the one that broke up the kiss due to you smiling too hard. Resting your forehead against his with your arms still on him, trying not to roll away, and his touch still burning your skin.

“Do you want to try this again?” Quinn asked you nervously.

“I would love to try this again.” you professed. He pecked your lips and then briskly pulled away.

“She said yes! Y/n is going to be my girlfriend!” Quinn shouted so loudly that you were now sure that the entire block heard him.

“Finally!” you heard Jack and Luke applauded.

Quinn and you slept well that night, tangled up in each other's arms. Everything was going to be fine. You woke to Quinn drawing feather-light shapes on the back of your upper arms, and the smell of pancakes filling the house.

“I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to wake up with you in my arms.” he admitted.

“So have I, but now we don’t have to dream anymore.” you grinned at him.

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

“Probably, but you could always say it again.” you playfully countered him.

“You are the most gorgeous woman. I have ever met.” Quinn proclaimed. You leaned up and kissed him. Letting everything out. Crawling on top of him, with your knees on both of his sides. You passionately kissed him. Quinn kissed you back with the same amount of passion and then started pulling up your shirt.

“EWW! My eyes!!” Luke’s voice rang out through the entire house. You promptly pulled down your shirt and jumped off of Quinn. “Mom! You’re going to have to watch these sinners.” Luke continued to run around the whole yelling.

“Be quiet, Luke, I’ve been waiting too long for those two to get together.” Ellen’s voice rang out after Lukes. Quinn blushed, and you did as well.

“Well, then.” Quinn said into the awkward air. You then just bursted out laughing, and soon he was joining in.

“What would we do without your brothers?” you chirped.

“We would probably get some peace.” Quinn countered, and you nodded your head in agreement.

“Let’s go get some pancakes! We can finish what we started when they all find something to do far, far away.” you wiggled your eyebrows at him.

“I can’t wait to take you back to Vancouver with me.” he confessed. You only smiled at him, but he knew that was what you wanted as well.

finished

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