#i love fallout so much theres so many possibilities here

[cinnamonest]

@shishin-kan This has been eating away at my brain and now the idea of Fallout-type Ghoulification is getting to me… your little ghoul boyfriend… (except keeping his hair lmao)...

It takes quite a long while depending on the degree of exposure, so since he's just gradually exposed to small amounts of radiation, the changes are subtle.

You have the canned rations and water, but he still goes out to get you guys supplies, food that doesn't taste like drywall, among other things. Each time he returns, you're hit with varying levels of nausea.

At first, it affects him too, he's already nauseous by the time he gets back. But then you start to notice that it affects him much less than you, with time. As if his body is adjusting. Soon he's going out and coming back without so much as a grimace on his face, while his mere presence makes you retch uncontrollably for the first few minutes when he returns.

But whatever, that's a normal affect of radiation right? You were warned about the most common effects back when nuclear war was a looming threat. There were several “stages” of radiation poisoning, as you recall, they always show little charts with bullet points of symptoms and instructions on each — only in the latter stages, the text turns capitalized and red, alerting the reader to seek immediate help if they exhibit the symptoms listed for that stage. It always felt dreadful to look at.

Nausea was just a natural short-term effect, so they always said, one of the first effects to be experienced, and as long as you got away from the source, you'd be fine.

It's not until nighttime that you start getting really concerned. Because those informative pamphlets and TV alerts never said anything about glowing.

You don't notice the onset, it just sort of hits you when nighttime comes — rather, you don't know what time it is, but when you shut the lights off to go to sleep. You start to realize he has this ever so faint aura of light surrounding him.

You convince yourself you're imagining it, but when it's noticeably stronger a few months later, it becomes undeniable. You bring it up and he laughs and says not to worry about it and— wait, were his pupils always so big? It's yet another thing you can't help but notice as he's talking, but you don't want to worry him, and would prefer to avoid thinking too much about it yourself, so… you say nothing.

But the fact that he seems so not worried at all is a bit concerning. In fact, you notice he's gotten more carefree in general. Or perhaps “carefree” isn't quite the right word. He almost seems… out of it. Loopy.

He's still happy, still smiling. But he talks to himself out loud, not just mumbles, but actual conversations, walking around in circles in the halls, accompanied but he occasional odd, unnatural jerking movements, or reaching up to scratch at his face, something he never did before. He answers questions in ways that are just… odd, sometimes. He gets more spontaneous, breaks his precious routines all the time.

As for you, the radiation exposure makes you exhausted, lethargic. But then he says it's fine if you're too tired to make any food. For some reason, he’s lost the aversion most people have to eating raw meat, he discovered so when he was outside last and decided to dig into some carcass he found on a whim. And look at him, he's fine! So he can just eat some of those dead animals he brought back.

He certainly notices the concern on your face. You stare at each other for a few seconds before you sheepishly tell him you remember that that's an effect of radiation exposure.

He shrugs it off, says he's taking the Rad-X and the RadAway every time he goes out… it doesn't seem to help much, since you still get so sick, but it has to be working on him, since he's not dead! The only thing to worry about is how those public announcements always said that the Rad-X would slow down the long-term radiation accumulation, which would have unknown effects as it wasn't studied at the time… but he'll be sure to treat any symptoms that arise.

Later, you spent a week looking around thinking you must have left some food sitting out because you swore you smell rotting meat, but realize once he leaves on another outing that the smell disappears when he's gone, and say nothing more of it… and eventually, the smell vanishes, along with the greenish hue to his skin, replaced by his flesh feeling leathery to the touch.

You say nothing. You don't want him to worry, or feel self-conscious.

You're still worried for a while that he's going to die, of course, but… he seems to be doing okay, he never gets sick anymore, he's energetic and happy. The more months pass, the more at ease you feel that he won't die from it at least.

But the radiation warnings didn't say anything about the dilated pupils (or at least, that's what you assume it is, his eyes are getting dark all over), or the leathery skin, or the glowing.

Actually... you do recall that it mentioned that the death process was exposure to high levels of radiation over the course of a few days. Soon, he's been undergoing this process for well over a year. And then there's that thing again about unknown effects of long-term exposure...

You have no idea what's happening to him. You try to ignore it. You're not sure if he notices the changes either, due to the fact that you've resolved to say nothing, combined with the vault’s lack of any remaining mirrors.

It messes with his brain. He's erratic. It makes him more prone to angry outbursts, but also gleeful manic episodes, laughing and happy and chasing you around, roughhousing like you're kids — admittedly it's fun, but he's just so giddily excited you can't help but feel it's unnatural. Not to mention the strength — when did he get that strong? Able to throw you around like you're weightless?

And the mood swings are sudden — he'll go from that boisterous happy state one minute, to tearful and begging for reassurance the next, to grouchy and moping the next, far faster than you ever remember before this all happened.

It translates to intimacy too. More erratic, faster and harder and more intense, and not in a good way. So intense it's painful, yet even though you say to slow down — he used to listen, he used to care so much about making sure it's nothing but pleasant for you — it just seems to make him go harder, biting and scratching you far more than he ever did when he was… normal.

The sheer frequency and intensity of the biting makes you uneasy. It's as if he has some craving for it, an irresistible impulse, and by the time he's done you're literally covered in rings of teeth imprints all over your neck, thighs, stomach. You feel almost nervous letting him get his teeth so close to your neck.

And afterwards when he's holding you close, he smiles at you. His nose used to scrunch up when he smiled, and now there's just slits where the nose used to be, cartilage long since rotted off.

You can't stop noticing each and every little change.

But changes are gradual, with things like this. Change is harder to notice when it's slow, and non-drastic, when you can safely say that he was like that a few months ago, so surely he was like that even before, you're pretty sure… maybe? The memory of the state of his eyes or hair or skin long before it even began is distant enough that you're comparing the now to a more recent, and thereby clearer, memory, rather than a blurrier, more distant one.

So it's not until you're going through your belongings and find an old photo of you two you managed to salvage from back home, that you find yourself going stiff, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. Shocked by the realization of just how drastic the change really has been, disturbed by how you got used to it so easily. Hell, his nose is practically gone, and somehow you accepted that as perfectly fine. His skin, his eyes, everything…

It's in that moment that it really settles that he's no longer human. That he's become something else entirely — a fact that, as soon as you realize it, is accompanied by the equally despairing realization that you have no choice but to accept it.

You say nothing, you say nothing, and finally one day you can't say nothing anymore. You break, even if you approach it ever so meekly. And then—

Hey, you know, the radiation… I think it has some kind of… long term effects on the body…

His eyebrows raise for a moment, but then he smiles. Rests his hand on your head and says it doesn't matter.

You'll always be beautiful to me. So what if it changed the way you look? You're still you. Don't worry about things like that.

—you realize you never stopped to think about the fact that he's not the only one who hasn't seen his reflection in a long time.

[eye-merely-jest]

instead of finishing my oc's reference thing for artfight im gonna bitch about this thing thats been rotting my brain for god knows how long –

WHERE ARE ALL THE ARTISTS IN THE FALLOUT UNIVERSE ?????

i LITERALLY think about this on the daily, where are the musicians where are the writers where are the painters where are the basket weavers WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ARTISTS !!!???! in ALL the games (and the show for that matter) theres only like,, a couple that come to mind ??? and even then, at best they're bloodthirsty psychopaths. (lookin' at you pickman and redeye) ,,, (cut here as to not be obnoxious !!)

and, i mean, hey, listen. i LOVE my bloodthirsty psychopath artists as much as the next guy, but art as a whole is so scarce in the wasteland from what we see in canon that it gets to be very disappointing that this is seemingly all we've got !!!

like, you're SERIOUSLY telling me right now that theres not a single guy said "FUCK YOU BING CROSBY I'M TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS SO I NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DEAR HEARTS AND GENTLE PEOPLE EVER AGAIN !!!!" or even something as simple as !! "i'm gonna draw caesar and president aaron kimball having hot steamy passionate gay sex."

and there's SO many layers to this in my noggin as well, like, HRRGHGGVBVBVM.

GRAFFITI!!! I LOVE WHENEVER WE SEE GRAFFITI!!! particularly the loading screens in new vegas is what comes to mind, since those ones are SO interesting to me. like, it varies from faction to faction what's being written, and we're able to see this visual representation of the tiniest, most indirect ways that groups like the ncr and the legion are at war with each other. its SO fucking cool and it makes me SO insane. WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO SEE MORE OF THIS !!!!

and this is just the EENSIEST POSSIBLE EXAMPLE of what could be done with artistic themes in these godforsaken games !!!! GOD its such a fascinating concept and i could go on about this for HOURS. (and who knows, maybe i will later)

FUCK MY BRAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW AND I CANT THINK COHERENTLY ANYMORE !!! GOT TOO SILLY !!!! I'VE BARELY COVERED ALL I WANTED TO BUT IF I DON'T FINISH THIS NOW I NEVER WILL !!!! AUAUUGG

anyway :). I WANT BETHESDA TO DO THAT THING THAT CD PROJECKT RED DID WITH CYBERPUNK 2077 AND GET MUSIC MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR THE GAME AND ITS LORE AND ITS HISTORY AND damn i love cyberpunk's music END TWEET !!

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[cobrasx]

Me siento PÉSIMO, creo que lo único que me puede hacer sentir mejor es UNA RESPUESTA TUYA A MIS PREGUNTAS PREGUNTOSAS QUE MANDO UN SÁBADO A LAS 3 DE LA MAÑANA 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣

Ajam, como sea, yo te dije que te quería hacer más preguntas. Firmaste tu condena MUAJAJAJAJAJJAJAA

• ¿Cuál es tu episodio favorito? ¿Por qué?

• ¿Qué episodio no te gusta? ¿Por qué?

• Headcanon de algún personaje

Eso sería todo, gracias 💙💙💙

PANNNN!!!!!!! HEY HEYYY HIIIIIIIII HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHEUHEHSHSHUEHSHEHEHE

HAVE NO FEAR PESCADITO I GOTCHU BRO (i say, contractually obligated)!!! JOKING LIKE THE JOKLER OFC I LUV UR ASKS PAN TRUST <333 i would have responded so much sooner but i really had to sit and think for these ones HELP AHAHHSHHSHHAHS BEFORE ANYTHING!!! i hope ur doing great gurl!! im so very happy to hear from u, i gen hope ur feeling better! remember to HYDRATE!! NOW ON WITH THIS THANG

¿Cuál es tu episodio favorito? ¿Por qué?

i thought there was no other media that could possibly make me worse. then i watched dtmg phantom of the popera... i love this ep sm n im sure this is on many other ppl's s-tier lists too. funniest concept ever - billy having one-sided beef with a child - but honestly there's so much to pick apart here. we got this new superstar sensation that bjc actively wants to sabotage. WHY?? CAUSE HES MAD INSECURE BUT ITS OKAY ITS OKAY SHHSHSHHSHHHHHHH. billys over here taking things too personally, probably thinking that the world will just move on to some other dude, and he cant let that happen cuz he's THE billy joe cobra!! debatably the most influential man of all time! hellooo!? u cant just MOVE ON from that! n u certainly cant cover his super goated songs into steaming dog pile oblivion (ALLEGEDLY.) n it gets to a point. BJCs breaking point. obviously spencer doesn't wanna b on the cobra enemy list and attend the jtt concert. they already experienced a fallout after the mess that was the bjc museum - BUT I MEAN MALLORYS THERE AND ITS NOT LIKE HES GOING FOR JTT,,,, SO MMMMMAYBE HE CAN KEEP IT ALL UNDER WRAPS?? he doesn't. he feels terrible breaking bjcs trust, he feels terrible if he's the one at fault for their second and potentially last do-all end-all fallout. BUT YKW? BJC PULLS THRU. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 OUR MAN PULLS THROUGH YALL 'CAUSE IF THERES ANYTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS PRIDE ITS HIS LOVE FOR HIS LITTLE BROTHER. so willing to set his ego aside for his lil bro and damn dawg i LOVE THAT OMLLLLL IM HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THIS BITCH IM LITERALLY SQUEALING AND KICKING MY FEET AT FREQUENCIES BEYOND MAN'S COMPREHENSION. and the way he says honeyyyy? WITH SO MUCH SOFTNESS???? BABE WHAT A BBBAAAAABBBBEEEEEEE!! THERE HAS NEVER BEEN SMTH SO ATTRACTIVE IN A GHOST BEFORE BBBBBBRRRUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH SO VERY DOWN BAD I WANNA KISS A TRAIL FROM HIS WRIST UP TO HIS SHOULDER HES SO BEAUTIFUL, MY HEART IS GLOWING, IT'D BE GLOWING 'CAUSE HE! OH MY, OH MY GOD! 예상했어 나 I WAS REALLY HOPING THAT HE WILL COME THROUGH OH MY, OH MY GOD! 단 너뿐이야 ASKING ALL THE TIME ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD DO 너와 나  we do not talk abt hoover.

we do, however, talk abt how buck was so ready to beat a bitch up for assaulting his guest <3333

Qué episodio no te gusta? ¿Por qué?

"the sleepover", i feel, is dtmg at its worst. things happen, but there isn't a pay off. the episode wants to treat the plot as some convoluted mystery, but nothing actually leads anywhere. hoover was here until he wasn't; i don't think it would've mattered at all if he wasnt included in the ep. his existence just prolongs the reveal,, N THATS IT LMAOAOA. its obvious that hoover had nothing to do with billys "disappearance", but we follow the kids trying to uphold their end of a non-existent deal for.... NO REAL REASON ACTUALLY. that whole thing w ponzi and lorenzo happens, BUT WHAT PURPOSE DID PONZI SERVE IN ALL THIS LIKE HOOVER GOT HIS 30 DOLLARS YEAH N HE BOOKED IT BUT CRASHED N WTF WHAT WAS IT ALL FOORRRRRRR. HE WAS NEVER ACTUALLY GONNA GET ENOUGH MONEY TO LEAVE MADAME X AND START A PUPPY DRESSUP BUSINESS BFFR. DOES HE THINK HE'S IN A SHOW WHERE CHANGE SHAKES UP THE STATUS QUO??? WHAT IS HE?!?! DELUSIONAL!?!??! HOOVER BABY PLEASE!!!!😓😓😓 WHY DID WE EVEN FOLLOW THIS PLOT THREAD WE GAINED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING-- IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME!!! n it's such a huge BUH BUH BUMMER bc with the resolution in mind - when they finally find out the WHY of billy going m.i.a. - it becomes more apparent that this could have been such an enjoyable episode had they gone for making everything take place during the school dance. SUCH A MISSED OPPORTUNITY. YALL HAD THE ASSETS, WE COULD HAVE DONE SMTH NEW!!! DELICIOUSLY NEW!!! AND WHILE IM AT IT, DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY GAF ABT PONZI AND HIS STUPID ASS PIGEON?? PONZI GETS A PASS I GUESS IK THERES AT LEAST ONE PONZI ENJOYER IN THIS FANDOM BUT THE PIGEON? WE CANT KEEP PROPER CONTINUITY IN THIS SHOW, BUT WE GET TO KEEP THE PIGEON?????? THE PIGEON?????????????? THE ONLY THING SAVING THIS EPISODE FROM TOUCHING THE FIERY PITS OF DOOMED WRITING IS BILLY JOE COBRA NIBBLING ON A SLICE OF PEPPERONI PIZZA. THE SLEEPOVER?? MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN CALLED THE SNOOZFEST - i say, rationally and calmly and

Headcanon de algún personaje?

YOU WANT TO ASK ME ABOUT MY DTMG CHARACTER HEADCANONS?!?!?!?! IVE BEEN WAITING YEARS FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME ABOUT MY DTMG CHARACTER HEADCANONS!!!!!!! HANG ON, I HAVE A MODEL!!! no but seriously omigosh im so stoked!! id love love LOVE to talk abt hugh wright especially. AND I WILL!!!

this isn't even an original hc, but it's a narrative that im choosing to believe n abide by cuz it feels so (W)RIGHT! from what i remember, dating way wayyyy back to "spencer spooks", hugh was apparently a rockstar pre- and post- the family move. since theres no indication that hugh has associated w this lifestyle in dtmg, i decided to settle for a little twist that i think exists in another spencer property. that being he's a former rocker, now retired. pretty much, he left that whole situation behind him, turning over a new leaf n all that- opting to take on the responsibility of being a proper father to his kid (kids* later on) than pursuing a now dead dream. besides, there are other creative outlets to explore, and he, for one, loves to tinker around w things!

there's this episode that mentions how he was a former cheerleading coach. we had no context for this prior to this episode, but i don't necessarily want to ignore that (even if it WAS just mentioned for the sake of one episode). i figure that the whole cheerleading bit also happened while jane was pregnant - a profession more stable in terms of income, but not quite. getting a degree in accounting was that last resort. that, and i also just REALLY REALLY like the idea of "gravity's rainbow" being a stunt that had originated from his past performances. IM TAKING IN HUGH LORE A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY HE SAID SMTH ABT MOVING BACK TO COW COUNTRY BRUH WHAT HAVENT YOU DONE BYE

jane was also a rockstar in the show's prior concepts i think, but uhhh i highkey fw the idea that jane was hugh's former groupie turned hairstylist. they fell in love, obvi, and rather than forego her hobby, she just stuck true and blue with it n ultimately decided to make that her career.

this is such a scatterbrained jumbled mess so im just gonna drop bullet notes in nonsensical order AHHAHAHHSHAHH

. hugh was an underground hard rocker w a few close friends as his bandmates - their bond now rendered a distant memory. he used to live life on the road, jamming from one open venue to another. he was the lead guitarist, certainly no jimi hendrix. anyone within earshot of his sound, n those w even an ounce of sense, could tell he was no disciplined guitarist. he loved to play, and when he played, he played LOUD w a voice to boot. he wrote songs occasionally, and they were pretty straightforward. his lyrics weren’t exactly “highbrow” either, far from it. they were mostly just about how he felt at that moment in time - very "youth rebellion" where either nothing mattered anymore or everything did. he wasn't all too concerned with selling those lyrics out, though. . hugh never really drew in much of a crowd with his music. it didnt warrant a complete audience, not exactly. maybe rounded up a few enjoyers here and there, but none of them were really any dedicated (save for a very enthusiastic red head who kept appearing at every one of his shows). as with his eccentric personality, he never much minded any of that. music for him was just a form of expression. sure, he dreamed big, but it was never about being signed into a label or appealing to people. moreover, he HATED labels and in concept, their controlling nature. . spencer and jessica are completely unaware of their father's past. hugh and jane didnt have a specific reason for not telling them about what they were up to way back when. i have it in mind that at some point, they'd probably mention it through some offhand comment w the excuse that "it just never came up!" . hugh never burned his songs into cds, or any tapes for that matter. a shame, now that his kids would rather much have their hands on audible proof rather than rambunctious nights captured in cheap little polaroids. he'd comment that it had never occurred to him at the time, but jane chimes in. she's got it all covered in a camcorder, stored who knows where, but as far as she knows it's definitely in their home somewhere. a search party montage later they find it, but they can hardly make out the static being recorded - yet another shame. he confesses he still has his guitar, something he could never bring himself to part ways with, and he's asked if he remembers the chords, lyrics - anything. he does, vaguely, but for his family, well, he figures he can come up with something on the spot. that's how he worked after all! (it's certainly something. music? debatable. jane falls in love all over again. as for the kids? opinions are mixed, but one thing is for sure: their dad is pretty cool. a certain ghost seems to agree.) . i hc that the rest of the wrights would eventually be introduced to billy proper. theyd b able to see him - the whole nine yards! i saw this little doodle of dirk n the old man, and im a SUCKER for these kinds of thingssss i dunnooo. im ALSO a sucker for the ppl around billy influencing him for the better, and i can totally see hugh playing a part in potentially inspiring billy to do just that in the hugh-est way possible. i picture them mindlessly jamming together freestyle; bonding over their shared love and appreciation for music not just as an outlet, but as an entity- to reconnect w it by any n every intrinsic means necessary. It's a long way's home from "perfect". composed solely on improv n zero structure, its disorderly at best, but it helps in breaking the habit of having to constantly perform for someone to performing for absolutely no one at all. a sound no one else will hear: an art for no one! its hardly ever that serious with these these two, and ykw that's okay! they get each other. they're on their own little wave-length :)

. before i call this post quits, there's this one scene that i like to perceive in a specific way. in axe maniac, there's this flashback - a christmas with the wright's and their little spence. one of the wrapped gifts is a guitar, and ik it may seem reasonable to believe that it was given to spencer on billy's behalf, but me personally, i like to think that the gift was from hugh !! as enthusiastic as he was to introduce spence to the world of music, his boy did not end up picking up after him. doesnt matter! it's not in hugh's nature to force this kind of thing onto him. he's always been supportive of spencer's hobbies no matter how peculiar, and if there's one thing that makes him happy and connected enough, it's their shared moments being captured through the lense of his son's camera <333

.

thank you so much again for giving me the opportunity to ramble almost endlessly abt dtmg!!! another message in your inbox is closer than u think. BEWARE <33333

.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas—she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

[kkruml]

409: The Birds and the Bees

This post comes after a slap-happy late night watch with some MAJOR squeeing and proclamations of “#DEAD” with @sassenachwaffles and @missclairebelle.

Now that I’ve had my one precious cup of coffee, I’m going to attempt to lay my thoughts to the proverbial paper. I can’t guarantee this will be a coherent post but I really needed to get out all of my FEELINGS about last night/tonight’s episode.

Trigger warning- I will briefly discuss the opening scenes so anyone wanting to avoid discussing Brianna’s attack- please take care of yourself and scroll right through to the second section.

  Without further ado... spoilers below the cut.

SOPHIE.

I read a few interviews she did regarding the material and her approach to the fallout from last episode.

I have to commend her for the care with which she took Bree’s reactions immediately following the attack. She was visceral and nuanced. It was gut-wrenching to watch. She delivered the complex and contradictory emotions, the detachment, shock, and “overwhelmingness” of it all so truthfully.

JAMIE MEETS BRIANNA.

OK first off- I’M NOT OKAY. To say there was some hesitation in the fandom about the show doing this moment justice... is an understatement. I held my breath and leaned in as closely as I could to the screen to make sure I caught every facial movement, every ounce of emotion pouring out from the screen.

THEY NAILED IT.

That’s my opinion, folks.

Sam and Sophie were magnetic in this scene. There was a foreignness to them as they faced each other but also an almost instant intimacy as they take in each other and who they are. The impossibility of their union washing over them but yet... they are together.

This shot really captured me- even before they have any solid interaction at all-

Face to face.

“Can’t you tell?”

Oh ay, lass. He can tell. They really are mirror images of each other here.

While we are here, let me take a moment and discuss the casting decisions in this show. Sam was the first- he IS Jamie Fraser. Finding someone to match him as his daughter is no small task. Sophie was cast as Brianna for Season 2. I had my doubts that she’d be able to carry this role- I won’t lie. Some of my concerns may have been rooted in the material she had to work with, or what she chose to extrapolate in her scenes and focus on. I’m not really sure, BUT this season she has OWNED her scenes and I am so proud to see her holding her own and really flourishing next to Sam and Cait.

This is a power trio, and she stands side by side with them and fits in flawlessly.

OK BACK TO FANGIRLING.

SAM.

I have been waiting not very patiently to see him in this moment.

The myriad of emotions that wash over his face as he takes in his daughter- his flesh and blood. The perfect combination of his Sassenach and him. It’s just too much to take. He’s thought of her for 20 years and now she’s standing right in front of him- in his own time, wearing Claire’s dress, with a face that matches his mother’s.

I AM NOT OKAY.

MURTAGH MEETS BRIANNA.

WHAT TOOK YE SO LONG, LASS?

IAN.

He goes from checking out Brianna to welcoming her into the family. Only Young Ian (and John Bell) could pull this off and stay endearing.

Just like his first meeting with Claire in 306, he accepts her in with no reservations.

Also, “When it comes to you Auntie Claire I’ve learned it’s best not to ask too many questions.”

Give this kid a creme pie. I love him.

FATHER-DAUGHTER BONDING.

My Darling.

OK these two and their mops of red hair are gonna be the death of me.

The conversation they have on their hunting trip is so vital to this relationship. Brianna is honest about feeling guilty to Frank for coming, Jamie telling her in no uncertain terms he is thankful to Frank- giving her the gift of gratitude to the man she grew up with. Allowing her the space to keep Frank in her heart without competition or expectation.

“Ye can call me Da.”

Claire.

There’s a contentment to Claire- we FINALLY get to see her settled and happy with Jamie and Brianna with her. She’s longed for this for 20. FREAKING.YEARS. And now she can feel whole again.

I also love this moment because Brianna can see the look between Claire and Jamie. The pure love and adoration between them is so palpable. This is a side of Claire that Brianna has NEVER seen before.

Jamie and Claire.

Jamie, Claire, and Brianna are finally together. Jamie’s heartbreak here at not wanting her to leave is so bittersweet. He’s so grateful to have met her- something he never thought possible- and now he can’t fathom having to say goodbye to his child, again. Theres’s so much hope.

Roger.

The story line between Roger and Brianna was a huge undercurrent  of this episode- the repercussions of their hand-fasting, the misunderstanding with Lizzie that sends shock waves through the rest of this season. It’s powerful despite the fact that they are not seen together in a single shot this episode.

Roger’s had a rough go of it in the 18th century. The end of this episode was... OUCH. The ending to this episode knocked the wind out of me after such a swelling episode of family.

There’s SO much more to this episode to speak to, and I really wish I had the mental capacity to articulate it. For now, this is all I can say.

The Frasers are finally together.

Please please please chime in with your thoughts.

You don’t have to agree (I always welcome constructive conversation!), but please- as always- be kind with your words.

We are all here for Outlander and this episode had SAE MANY expectations- and for so long!

[writingguide003-blog]

Top writers choose their perfect crime

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/top-writers-choose-their-perfect-crime/

Top writers choose their perfect crime

Crime fiction is now the UKs bestselling genre. So which crime novels should everyone read? We asked the writers who know …

On Beulah Height by Reginald Hill Val McDermid

This is the perfect crime novel. Its beautifully written elegiac, emotionally intelligent, evocative of the landscape and history that holds its characters in thrall and its clever plotting delivers a genuine shock. Theres intellectual satisfaction in working out a plot involving disappearing children, whose counterpoint is Mahlers Kindertotenlieder. Theres darkness and light, fear and relief. And then theres the cross-grained pairing of Dalziel and Pascoe. Everything about this book is spot on.

Although Hills roots were firmly in the traditional English detective novel, he brought to it an ambivalence and ambiguity that allowed him to display the complexities of contemporary life. He created characters who changed and developed in response to their experiences. I urge you to read this with a glass of Andy Dalziels favourite Highland Park whisky.

Insidious Intent by Val McDermid is published by Sphere.

The Damned and the Destroyed by Kenneth Orvis Lee Child

My formative reading was before the internet, before fanzines, before also-boughts, so for me the best ever is inevitably influenced by the gloriously chanced-upon lucky finds, the greatest of which was a 60 cent Belmont US paperback, bought in an import record shop on a back street in Birmingham in 1969. It had a lurid purple cover, and an irresistible strapline: She was beautiful, young, blonde, and a junkie I had to help her! It turned out to be Canadian, set in Montreal. The hero was a solid stiff named Maxwell Dent. The villain was a dealer named The Back Man. The blonde had an older sister. Dents sidekicks were jazz pianists. The story was patient, suspenseful, educational and utterly superb. In many ways its the target I still aim at.

The Midnight Line by Lee Child is published by Bantam.

Bleak House by Charles Dickens Ian Rankin

Does this count as a crime novel? I think so. Dickens presents us with a mazey mystery, a shocking murder, a charismatic police detective, a slippery lawyer and a plethora of other memorable characters many of whom are suspects. The story has pace and humour, is bitingly satirical about the English legal process, and also touches on large moral and political themes. As in all great crime novels, the central mystery is a driver for a broad and deep investigation of society and culture. And theres a vibrant sense of place, too in this case, London, a city built on secret connections, a location Dickens knows right down to its dark, beating heart.

Rather Be the Devil by Ian Rankin is published by Orion. Siege Mentality by Chris Brookmyre is published by Little, Brown.

The Hollow by Agatha Christie Sophie Hannah

This is my current favourite, in its own way just as good as Murder on the Orient Express. As well as being a perfectly constructed mystery, its a gripping, acutely observed story about a group of people, their ambitions, loves and regrets. The characters are vividly alive, even the more minor ones, and the pace is expertly handled. The outdoor swimming pool scene in which Poirot discovers the murder is, I think, the most memorable discovery-of-the-body scene in all of crime fiction. Interestingly, Christie is said to have believed that the novel would have been better without Poirot. His presence here is handled differently he feels at one remove from the action for much of the time but it works brilliantly, since he is the stranger who must decipher the baffling goings on in the Angkatell family. The murderers reaction to being confronted by Poirot is pure genius. It would have been so easy to give that character, once exposed, the most obvious motivation, but the contents of this killers mind turn out to be much more interesting

Did You See Melody by Sophie Hannah is published by Hodder.

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier SJ Watson

SJ Watsno

I first came to Rebecca, published in 1938, with one of the most recognisable first lines in literature, not knowing exactly what to expect. That it was a classic I was in no doubt, but a classic what? I suspected a drama, possibly a romance, a book heavy on character but light on plot and one Id read and then forget. How wrong I was.

It is a dark, brooding psychological thriller, hauntingly beautiful, literature yes, but with a killer plot. I loved everything about it. The way Du Maurier slowly twists the screw until we have no idea who to trust, the fact that the title character never appears and exists only as an absence at the heart of the book, the fact that the narrator herself is unnamed throughout. But, more importantly, this thriller is an exploration of power, of the men who have it and the women who dont, and the secrets told to preserve it.

Second Life by SJ Watson is published by Black Swan.

Mystic River by Dennis Lehane James Lee Burke

To my mind this is the best crime novel written in the English language. Lehane describes horrible events with poetic lines that somehow heal the injury that his subject matter involves, not unlike Shakespeare or the creators of the King James Old Testament. Thats not a hyper-bolic statement. His use of metaphysical imagery is obviously influenced by Gerard Manley Hopkins. Mystic River is one for the ages.

Robicheaux by James Lee Burke is published by Orion.

The Expendable Man by Dorothy B Hughes Sara Paretsky

Author Sara Paretsky for Arts. Photo by Linda Nylind. 15/7/2015.

Today, Hughes is remembered for In a Lonely Place (1947) Bogart starred in the 1950 film version. My personal favourite is The Expendable Man (1963). Hughes lived in New Mexico and her love of its bleak landscape comes through in carefully painted details. She knows how to use the land sparingly, so it creates mood. The narrative shifts from the sandscape to the doctor, who reluctantly picks up a teen hitchhiker. When shes found dead a day later, hes the chief suspect, and the secrets we know hes harbouring from the first page are slowly revealed.

Hughess novels crackle with menace. Like a Bauhaus devotee, she understood that in creating suspense, less is more. Insinuation, not graphic detail, gives her books an edge of true terror. Shes the master we all could learn from.

Fallout by Sara Paretsky is published by Hodder.

Killing Floor by Lee Child Dreda Say Mitchell

What is it about any particular novel that means youre so engrossed that you miss your bus stop or stay up way past your bedtime? A spare, concise style that doesnt waste a word. A striking lead character who manages to be both traditional and original. A plot thats put together like a Swiss watch. Childs debut has all these things, but like all great crime novels it has the x-factor.

In the case of Killing Floor that factor is a righteous anger, rooted in personal experience, that makes the book shake in your hands. Its the story of a military policeman who loses his job and gets kicked to the kerb. Jack Reacher becomes a Clint Eastwood-style loner who rides into town and makes it his business to dish out justice and protect the underdog, but without the usual props of cynicism or alcohol. We can all identify with that anger and with that thirst for justice. We dont see much of the latter in real life. At least in Killing Floor we do.

Blood Daughter by Dreda Say Mitchell is published by Hodder.

The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler Benjamin Black (John Banville)

The Long Goodbye is not the most polished, and certainly not the most convincingly plotted, of Chandlers novels, but it is the most heartfelt. This may seem an odd epithet to apply to one of the great practitioners of hard-boiled crime fiction. The fact is, Chandler was not hard-boiled at all, but a late romantic artist exquisitely attuned to the bittersweet melancholy of post-Depression America. His closest literary cousin is F Scott Fitzgerald.

Philip Marlowes love and surely it is nothing less than love for the disreputable Terry Lennox is the core of the book, the rhapsodic theme that transcends and redeems the creaky storyline and the somewhat cliched characterisation. And if Lennox is a variant of Jay Gatsby, and Marlowe a stand in for Nick Carraway, Fitzgeralds self-effacing but ever-present narrator, then Roger Wade, the drink-soaked churner-out of potboilers that he despises, is an all too recognisable portrait of Chandler himself, and a vengefully caricatured one at that. However, be assured that any pot The Long Goodbye might boil is fashioned from hammered bronze.

Prague Nights by Benjamin Black is published by Viking.

Love in Amsterdam by Nicolas Freeling Ann Cleeves

Although Nicolas Freeling wrote in English he was a European by choice an itinerant chef who roamed between postwar France, Belgium and Holland, and who instilled in me a passion for crime set in foreign places. He detested the rules of the traditional British detective novel: stories in which plot seemed to be paramount. Love in Amsterdam (1962) is Freelings first novel and it breaks those rules both in terms of structure and of theme.

It is a tale of sexual obsession and much of the book is a conversation between the suspect, Martin, whos been accused of killing his former lover, and the cop. Van der Valk, Freelings detective, is a rule-breaker too, curious and compassionate, and although we see his investigative skills in later books, here his interrogation is almost that of a psychologist, teasing the truth from Martin, forcing him to confront his destructive relationship with the victim.

The Seagullby Ann Cleeves is published by Pan.

Laidlaw by William McIlvanney Chris Brookmyre

I first read Laidlaw in 1990, shortly after moving to London, when I was aching for something with the flavour of home, and what a gamey, pungent flavour McIlvanneys novel served up. A sense of place is crucial to crime fiction, and Laidlaw brought Glasgow to life more viscerally than any book I had read before: the good and the bad, the language and the humour, the violence and the drinking.

Laidlaws turf is a male hierarchy ruled by unwritten codes of honour, a milieu of pubs and hard men rendered so convincingly by McIlvanneys taut prose. His face looked like an argument you couldnt win, he writes of one character, encapsulating not only the mans appearance but his entire biography in a mere nine words.

This book made me realise that pacey, streetwise thrillers didnt have to be American: we had mean streets enough of our own. It emboldened me to write about the places I knew and in my own accent.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov Laura Lippman

Im going to claim Lolita for crime fiction, something I never used to do. But it has kidnapping, murder and its important to use this term rape. It also has multiple allusions to Edgar Allan Poe and even hides an important clue well, not exactly in plain sight, but in the text of, yes, a purloined letter. And now we know, thanks to the dogged scholarship of Sarah Weinman, that it was based on a real case in the United States. (Weinmans book, The Real Lolita, will be published later this year.)

Dorothy Parker meant well when she said Lolita was a book about love, but, no its about the rape of a child by a solipsistic paedophile who rationalises his actions, another crime that is too often hidden in plain sight. Some think that calling Lolita a crime novel cheapens it, but I think it elevates the book, reminds us of the pedestrian ugliness that is always there, thrumming beneath the beautiful language.

Sunburn by Laura Lippman is published by Faber.

The Moving Target by Ross Macdonald Donna Leon

Ross Macdonald, an American who wrote in the 60s and 70s, has enchanted me since then with the beauty of his writing and the decency of his protagonist, Lew Archer. I envy him his prose: easy, elegant, at times poetically beautiful. I also admire the absence of violence in the novels, for he usually follows Aristotles admonition that gore be kept out of the view of the audience. When Archer discovers the various wicked things one person has done to another, he does not linger in describing it but makes it clear how his protagonist mourns not only the loss of human life but also the loss of humanity that leads to it.

Macdonalds plotting is elegant: often, as Archer searches for the motive for todays crime, he unearths a past injustice that has returned to haunt the present and provoke its violence. His sympathy for the victims is endless, as is his empathy for some of the killers.

The Temptation of Forgiveness by Donna Leon is published by William Heinemann.

The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins Nicci French

http://www.theguardian.com/us

[vitalmindandbody]

Premier League 2016 -1 7 season refresh: our columnists’ most effective and worsts

Our writers take stock after the Premier League season, naming their best player, finest goal, most entertaining match, biggest gripe and much more

Best player

Daniel Taylor: NGolo Kant. If he can keep Cesc Fbregas out of the Chelsea team, he must be some player.

Barney Ronay: Friendly midfield interceptors are the fashion, but Harry Kane has been the outstanding single player: top scorer, team man and with just enough comic-book star quality.

Dominic Fifield: Eden Hazard, liberated by Antonio Contes switch in system, provided the cut and thrust which inspired Chelsea to their title success. Given his toils last season as he struggled with a hip complaint, his revival was eye-catching.

Paul Wilson: It probably doesnt matter which Chelsea candidate gets the vote, so in the interests of sharing things around I am going to go for Csar Azpilicueta. He seems to be able to play in any position across the back line and his consistency and tenacity are unaffected.

Amy Lawrence: If you could bottle the spirit of Kant and market it to football clubs it would be a bestseller. He has an ability to make others around him better, to make a game plan quicker. The way he carried his Leicester qualities so easily to Chelsea, to be transformative instantly, deserves all the plaudits.

Barry Glendenning: Jordan Pickford. Only in Sunderlands first team because David Moyes was unable to lure Joe Hart on loan to Wearside, the 23-year-old pulled off the impressive feat of making himself one of the most sought-after young goalkeepers in Europe despite playing in the Premier Leagues worst team. Although hes prone to the increasingly rare gaffe, its difficult to pick holes in any aspect of Pickfords overall game and its no exaggeration to say that without him, Sunderland might well have been relegated before the sighting of this springs first swallow.

David Hytner: Eden Hazard. Back to his very best. His ability to make the difference when it matters the most marks him out.

Scott Murray: Diego Costa kept Chelsea going throughout the autumnal odyssey that effectively decided the league, all the while staying in character as pantomime provocateur. Homeric. Well miss his entertaining presence when hes gone.

Jamie Jackson: Dele Alli. Seventeen Premier League goals at 175 minutes per strike for a No10 is top class. At 21, a player with that edge all elite players possess has to get better.

Andy Hunter: Eden Hazard. The champions were not simply a very defensive team, as a former manager bearing sour grapes suggested. They were also the most devastating and intelligent team in the final third thanks largely to the Belgium internationals return to form.

Chelseas Eden Hazard has been back to his best this season. Photograph: Darren Walsh/Chelsea FC via Getty Images

Louise Taylor: Sam Clucas, Hull City; runner up, David Luiz, Chelsea. There are other, far more obvious, candidates but placed in the context of Clucass achievement in ascending five rungs of the league ladder in successive seasons it has to be the left-footed midfielder. Impressive since being shifted from a wide role to central midfield this term, the intelligence of Clucass passing bears the hallmarks of Glenn Hoddle, who persuaded him not to give up the game before honing his skills at his football academy in Spain. David Luiz, meanwhile, is lovely to watch and his re-invention in Antonio Contes back three has thoroughly confounded the doubters.

Stuart James: Gylfi Sigurdsson. Directly involved in 22 of Swansea Citys 43 goals. For a player to continually create and score so many goals in a team that spent almost the entire season fighting relegation is quite something.

Jacob Steinberg: After last seasons sabbatical, Eden Hazard rediscovered his mojo in thrilling style and found the consistency to go with his outrageous talent. NGolo Kant was a worthy recipient of the PFA and FWA awards, but Hazard was Chelseas match-winner on so many occasions.

Paul Doyle: Kasper Schmeichel. While the rest of last seasons champions lost their way, the goalkeeper was the only Leicester player to improve. Yes, there was that 6-1 defeat by Spurs but, taking a broader view, Schmeichel was an example to us all in these troubled times.

Simon Burnton: The brilliant, hard-working, humble and likeable NGolo Kant deserves all the player-of-the-season awards currently cluttering his mantelpiece.

Ed Aarons: NGolo Kant deserves his awards for winning a second successive Premier League title, but Christian Eriksens return to form coincided with Tottenhams emergence as Chelseas only genuine challengers. Even 13 assists and eight Premier League goals do not explain the importance of the Denmark international to Mauricio Pochettino. Csar Azpilicueta also deserves a mention.

Sachin Nakrani: Gylfi Sigurdsson. The Iceland international directly contributed to almost half of Swanseas Premier League goals and, quite simply, without him they would have been relegated, suffering all the fallout that comes with that, which, it should be remembered, includes people losing their jobs.

Best manager

Daniel Taylor: Antonio Conte. Even Jos Mourinho has stopped temporarily, at least trying to undermine him. How, possibly, can anyone question what he has done to get Chelsea back on top?

Barney Ronay: Antonio Conte. Hurled together on the hoof a wonderfully well-grooved champion team, eased John Terry out of the picture without the slightest friction and on match days remains the most ludicrously excited man about anything ever.

Dominic Fifield: Antonio Conte. In a league crammed with elite managers, he adapted best to the peculiarities of the Premier League and ended up putting all the other big names to shame.

Paul Wilson: It was going to be Marco Silva until a few days ago, but now Hull are back in the real world after a brief visit to dreamland there seems no point in looking past the obvious. Antonio Conte could hardly have hoped for a better first season in England. In terms of impact, it says it all that he can now match Carlo Ancelottis double as well as Jos Mourinhos Premier League record of wins in a season.

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Antonio Conte: Chelsea’s new Special One? video

Amy Lawrence: Conte. From the very first game of the Premier League campaign when he celebrated a late win over West Ham with that zealous touchline passion, he has managed almost every situation with authority, class and style. In tactical alterations and man management, bringing the best out of characters as different as David Luiz, Diego Costa, Victor Moses and Pedro, he barely missed a beat.

Barry Glendenning: Antonio Conte. Charming and handsome, with the touchline demeanour of a man who has just had a large handful of red ants dropped down the trousers of his expensive designer suit, there is little to dislike about Chelseas manager. His switch to a back three in the wake of defeat at Arsenal has been hailed in some quarters as the greatest managerial masterstroke in the history of football and while that may be be over-egging the pudding somewhat, the manner in which he steered his team to the title with a minimum of fuss in a season when one or more of Messrs Klopp, Mourinho and Guardiola were expected to have his measure was no mean feat.

David Hytner: Antonio Conte. It has been another hugely impressive season for Mauricio Pochettino but Contes has been better. Took over a Chelsea squad with problems and, in what has been his first season outside of Italy, moulded them into champions.

Scott Murray: Heres a respectful nod to Arsne Wenger, who in addition to yet another high league placing and yet another cup final, somehow maintained super-human levels of dignity despite intense provocation from an entitled minority. An extraordinary feat. His will be much the better look when this story is told 20 years from now.

Jamie Jackson: Antonio Conte. He coached the volatile Costa to 20 league goals and may win the classic English double in his debut season.

Andy Hunter: Conte is the stand-out choice, not only for winning the Premier League title in his first season in English football but for how he responded to potential crises notably the 3-0 defeat at Arsenal and Januarys stand-off with Costa.

Louise Taylor: Sean Dyche, Burnley. Antonio Conte clearly has a strong case while, despite narrowly failing to keep Hull up, Marco Silva turned water into wine in east Yorkshire. Then theres Mauricio Pochettino, whose Tottenham team play fabulous football on around half the collective wage bill of other top six sides, but keeping Burnley in the Premier League is a significant achievement. Given the same relatively limited resources as Dyche, would Jos Mourinho or Pep Guardiola have done anything like as well?

Sean Dyches Burnley have never really been threatened with relegation this season so good has their home form been. Photograph: Lee Smith/Reuters

Stuart James: Antonio Conte. Hugely impressive to win the title in his first season in English football tactically astute, full of passion for the game and gives the impression that every player, even those not regularly in his starting XI, buys into his work.

Jacob Steinberg: A nod to Sean Dyche for keeping Burnley away from the relegation scrap, but it has to be Conte, who outperformed his rivals by reviving a misfiring, uneven squad with the power of his motivational qualities, tactical acumen and infectious will to win.

Paul Doyle: Sean Dyche. Burnley never looked like going down, which is remarkable.

Simon Burnton: Great as Tottenham have once again been under Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Contes impact at Chelsea has been greater.

Ed Aarons: Antonio Conte. The Italian only arrived at Stamford Bridge a month before Chelseas first game of the season but has emerged as a title winner in his first season in English football. The switch to 3-4-3 has defined Contes success but the former Juventus midfielder has also shown his man-management skills in dealing with Diego Costas regular tantrums.

Sachin Nakrani: Antonio Conte. Winning the title in your first season in England is a superb achievement, particularly when it involves reinvigorating a squad that had been in turmoil during the previous campaign.

Best goal

Daniel Taylor: Olivier Girouds scorpion kick for Arsenal against Crystal Palace.

Barney Ronay: Girouds running scorpion volley, a lovely move and a ludicrous finish, made all the more improbable by the fact he seems to stop mid-scorpion to winch his leg up a little higher, like a very stiff man trying to wriggle his way over a garden fence.

Dominic Fifield: Eden Hazard against Arsenal, sprinting away from Laurent Koscielny and holding off Francis Coquelins attempts to bring him down, then finishing before Shkodran Mustafi could block.

Paul Wilson: Sam Allardyce will have been more concerned about some unconvincing Crystal Palace defending, but Andy Carrolls overhead kick against Crystal Palace takes some beating for wow factor. Not a team goal, perhaps, but Carroll put a lot of himself into it.

Amy Lawrence: The Emre Can/Giroud/Henrikh Mkhitaryan showpieces lead the way for individualism, but there was something that struck a chord about Willians goal for Chelsea at Everton in a game that felt so influential for the title. What a fine team goal. The quality of Cesc Fbregass run and pass for Willian summed up the brio Chelsea rediscovered this season. That was the moment they felt undeniably like champions again.

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How the 2016-17 Premier League title was won by Chelsea video

Barry Glendenning: Gastn Ramrez. Possibly not the best, but almost certainly the only thing of interest any Middlesbrough footballer did all season Ramrezs fine solo effort sent goal-shy Boro on their way to their first home win. Picking up the ball inside his own half and encouraged by the strange reluctance of anyone in a Bournemouth shirt to close him down, the Uruguayan embarked on a 70-yard run down the inside left that climaxed with him abruptly cutting inside and slotting home. Buoyed by this rare moment of quality and inspiration, Middlesbrough went on to win three more Premier League matches, while their increasingly unpopular summer signing would go on to score only one more goal as his side sank below the depths.

David Hytner: Andy Carroll v Crystal Palace. Nothing has the ability to bring jaws to the floor more quickly than the thumping scissor kick. Especially when it is executed by a big man.

Scott Murray: Olivier Giroud against Palace. A finish so absurd its easy to forget the six-player pitch-long romp that preceded it, embellished by a centre-circle back-flick from Giroud himself. English footballs most eye-catching sweep forward since Terry McDermott scored against Spurs in 1978.

Jamie Jackson: Henrikh Mkhitaryans scorpion kick versus Sunderland on Boxing Day. Zlatan Ibrahimovic pings a cross over from the right and the Armenian lets go a flying back-heeled volley. Delicious.

Andy Hunter: Dimitri Payet, West Ham United v Middlesbrough. Other goals carried more weight in the context of the season Emre Can against Watford and Eden Hazards v Arsenal being the most notable examples but based purely on its merits this fleeting reminder of the quality the France international could bring to the Premier League had no equals.

Louise Taylor: Robert Snodgrass v Leicester City. The winner in a 2-1 shock opening-day victory against the defending champions for Mike Phelans side. When Wes Morgan could only half-clear Ahmed Elmohamadys vicious cross, the ball fell to Snodgrass whose first-time, left footed, half-volley arrowed into the bottom corner.

Stuart James: Emre Cans bicycle kick against Watford must take some beating. In fairness, Olivier Girouds scorpion kick against Palace is also worthy of a mention.

Emre Can lets fly with a sumptuous overhead kick against Watford. Photograph: John Walton/PA

Jacob Steinberg: Gaston Ramrezs slaloming 70-yard run against Bournemouth ended with a clever trick and a cool finish. Sure, Andy Carroll, Olivier Giroud and Henrikh Mkhitaryan all took the breath away with those scorpion kicks and bicycle blasts. But in an otherwise grim season for Middlesbrough, the fact Ramrezs solo effort was a rare moment of excitement makes it all the more precious.

Simon Burnton: Olivier Girouds New Years Day scorpion kick wasnt even Januarys goal of the month, and there are a few rival volleys that compare with it, but to my mind it is the best of the bunch. It has grown on the scorer as much as it has grown on me: after the game he said he was a bit lucky. It was the only thing I could do. I tried to hit it with a backheel and after it was all about luck, but by March he was saying: I dont want to big myself up but goals like mine leave a mark on history. Andy Carrolls [overhead kick] is magnificent, but maybe people wont remember it in two years time. Mine, yes.

Paul Doyle: Wayne Rooney against Stoke. It was a hell of a way to snatch a late equaliser, set a wonderful record and convince Jos Mourinho he could finally jilt an over-the-hill hero.

Ed Aarons: In a season of spectacular volleys, Emre Can saved the best for last. His brilliant overhead kick against Watford left nothing to chance, unlike Olivier Giroud or Henrikh Mkhitaryans scorpion kicks.

Sachin Nakrani: Olivier Giroud v Crystal Palace. In a season of notable scorpion/overhead kicks, this one edges it because of the slick counter-attack that preceded it and which Giroud was involved in as well as the height at which boot met ball prior to it looping into the net.

Best match

Daniel Taylor: At the risk of sounding like a misery, its not easy to think of a stand-out match this season. Nothing left me as excited as, say, seeing Monaco in the Champions League.

Barney Ronay: Swansea 5-4 Crystal Palace. Messy, wild and desperate at times, but this is basically what the Premier League is for.

Dominic Fifield: Bournemouths madcap 4-3 win over Liverpool was entertaining, but Crystal Palaces win at Chelsea in April encapsulated everything about the baffling nature of the Premier League at times. Chelsea were superb going forward, playing wonderfully incisive and inventive football. Palace defended ruggedly and, somehow, kept them out.

Paul Wilson: The one that sticks in the mind is Manchester City 1-3 Chelsea. An eventful and entertaining game, with some dead-eyed finishing by Chelsea to leave Pep Guardiola moaning about Kevin de Bruynes miss for the rest of the season. A significant title pointer at the Etihad too, for the second successive season following Leicesters statement win in February.

Amy Lawrence: Swansea 5-4 Crystal Palace. Lovely, wonderful, beautiful, panicked madness. The best of the Bob Bradley experience. Alan Pardew trying to put on a brave face. First on Match of the Day for an unanticipated game. Whats not to like?

Barry Glendenning: Bournemouth 4-3 Liverpool. They dont get much more entertainingthan this white-knuckle rideat the Vitality Stadium.

Leroy Fer scores during Swanseas rollercoaster 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. Photograph: Christopher Lee/Getty Images

David Hytner: Swansea v Crystal Palace. Never mind the defending at both ends, this was a classic, loaded with drama, and the scenes after Fernando Llorentes stoppage-time winner seemed to shake the Liberty Stadium. Both of the managers, Bob Bradley and Alan Pardew, were sacked within a month or so.

Scott Murray: Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool. It really wouldnt have taken much for this game to have ended 5-0, 0-5 or 5-5. One of those.

Jamie Jackson: Burnleys emphatic win over Liverpool at Turf Moor on the seasons second weekend punched a hole in the title pretensions of Jrgen Klopps team and suggested Sean Dyches men would survive. Those auguries were proved correct.

Andy Hunter: Everton 4-0 Manchester City. Selecting from Premier League matches attended, this raucous afternoon at Goodison Park stands out for many reasons. In Ronald Koemans eyes it was really perfect and a total team performance from Everton. It confirmed the emergence of Tom Davies, who scored his first goal for the club with an exquisite chip over Claudio Bravo at the Gwladys Street end, and brought a debut goal for Ademola Lookman with one of the teenagers first touches in the Premier League. For Pep Guardiola, however, it underlined the defensive and mental frailties at Manchester City, represented the heaviest league defeat of his managerial career and left him conceding the title was beyond his team for this season.

Louise Taylor: If this means watched live, its a difficult one to answer. As north-east correspondent Ive certainly seen a few candidates for worst game at Sunderland and Middlesbrough and the better ones I covered invariably involved Newcastle United in the Championship. One top-tier game does stick in the memory though; Hull 3-3 Crystal Palace in December. A six-goal thriller featuring a brilliant, mesmerising performance from Palaces Wilfried Zaha.

Stuart James: Swansea City 5-4 Crystal Palace. A nine-goal thriller that was 1-1 with 25 minutes remaining then all hell let loose. Bob Bradley and Alan Pardew, the respective managers, went through every emotion going and, in truth, it wasnt really surprising that neither man lasted much longer in the job. For what its worth, the reporters at the game were also in a terrible state come the end.

Jacob Steinberg: Crystal Palace 0-4 Sunderland. Sunderland were so surprised about scoring four goals in a single half that they didnt win another game until they were already relegated. In their defence, Ive only just recovered from the shock as well.

Simon Burnton: Liverpools 4-3 win at the Emirates on the seasons opening weekend was everything you could ask it to be and more. Excellent attacking, lovely goals from open play, a gorgeous free kick, brilliant individual skill, embarrassing manager-hugging celebrations, sunshine, it had the lot. The only possible reaction was yes please, Ill have nine months more of that. Which, sadly, neither team could deliver.

Paul Doyle: Leicester 4-2 Manchester City. Thrilling and at times brilliant, but also bizarre, outrageous and laughable. A snapshot of this seasons Premier League.

Ed Aarons: Swansea 5-4 Palace. Leading 4-3 with the game past the 90-minute mark, Alan Pardew must have felt pretty good. His team had just battled back from 3-1 down with only 15 minutes remaining to lead, only to surrender the points to Fernando Llorentes double in injury time.

Sachin Nakrani: Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool. A high-octane, end-to-end, relentlessly-thrilling encounter only let down by poor finishing. A mention, too, for Swanseas 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. A madcap encounter that saw two goals in stoppage time and Alan Pardew fearing the worst.

Best referee

Daniel Taylor: Keith Hackett. I see his criticisms of the current crop and marvel that he must never have made a mistake in his life.

Barney Ronay: Clatts. Will be missed, in part for his unintentional comedy, when he leaves for Sauds.

Dominic Fifield: Probably Martin Atkinson or Michael Oliver.

Paul Wilson: No idea. They all look the same to me. Lets say Martin Atkinson.

Amy Lawrence: Michael Oliver doesnt seem to want to be the star as much as some. He gives the impression of wanting the best game possible.

Barry Glendenning: Mike Dean. His no-lookyellow card to Ross Barkley in the Merseyside derby at Goodison Park was a thing of beauty.

Referee Mike Deans no-look yellow card given to Ross Barkley was a thing of beauty. Photograph: Jason Cairnduff/Reuters

David Hytner: I dont have strong feelings on the category this season. Id still say Mark Clattenburg is the best.

Scott Murray: Referees are lightning rods for impotent frustration, rampant paranoia and myopic rage. Objective praise doesnt come into it, its not what theyre there for.

Jamie Jackson: The video official what a brave innovation. What? They still do not exist despite everyone else having access to ad nauseam replays?

Andy Hunter: Any nomination will incur the wrath of at least one club though Anthony Taylor continues to improve so in the interests of harmony lets just say its not Jon Moss.

Louise Taylor: Probably Mark Clattenburg (despite missing the latter part of the season following move to Saudi Arabia.)

Stuart James: Not much to get excited about here. Martin Atkinson, Mark Clattenburg (yes, I realise hes now gone) and Michael Oliver would be in the top three. Oliver, on a good day, gets the nod.

Jacob Steinberg: Michael Oliver gets my vote, capped by punishing Manchester Uniteds cynical rotational fouling on Hazard in the FA Cup.

Simon Burnton: Mark Clattenburg. He sometimes looks like he thinks hes the best referee in the land, which is unappealing, but that doesnt make him wrong.

Paul Doyle: Mike Dean. The only one to enforce the shirt-tugging directive with something close to consistency. And technology will never have mannerisms as entertaining as his.

Ed Aarons: Mark Clattenburg and Martin Atkinson usually get the biggest gigs from Uefa and Fifa, but Michael Oliver remains the outstanding referee in the country. Still only 32, the Ashington official has been in charge of more matches (31) than anyone else and issued just two red cards.

Sachin Nakrani: Unlike 99% of people who watch football in this country, I dont have a strong view on referees. They all seem roughly the same and their mistakes, while occasionally astonishing, never entice me into reaching for a pitchfork.

Best signing

Daniel Taylor: Mamadou Sakho. People laughed when a January loan signing was nominated for Crystal Palaces player of the season award. But without him Palace would be down.

Barney Ronay: Leroy San. What a lovely mover, what a calm head, what a nice young man. Seems to have no real limit to how good he could be.

Dominic Fifield: NGolo Kant was key to Leicester Citys startling success in 2016, and just as influential to that of Chelsea in 2017. A blur of energy and interceptions, and at the heart of everything Chelsea have achieved.

Paul Wilson: Where would Manchester United be without Zlatan Ibrahimovics contribution? Hardly the best value signing, and not exactly one for the future either, but until injury struck he did what he had been brought in to do.

Amy Lawrence: Hard to argue with Kant for overall impact. Honourable mentions to Mamadou Sakho who made a big difference to Crystal Palaces predicament, and Gabriel Jesus for being a great signing who looks bound to shine more for Manchester City in future.

Barry Glendenning: NGolo Kant.

David Hytner: David Luiz. Has shown that underneath the mad hair lies an intelligent reader of the game. Has excelled in the middle of a back three. Long passing remains beautiful to watch.

Scott Murray: Gabriel Jesus, a score-any-sort genius destined to rattle in an absurd number of goals. Had he not picked up that injury in February, Manchester City would have given Chelsea a race.

Jamie Jackson: Eric Bailly. Manchester United appear to have filled the Nemanja Vidic-sized gap created by his 2014 departure. Costing 30m from Villarreal, the Ivorian is a tough, dominant 23-year-old who can be a fixture for a decade.

Andy Hunter: Paul Clement. Swansea City were bottom and looking certain for relegation when they appointed their third manager of the campaign in January. Astute signings such as Tom Carroll and convincing a squad to buy into yet another managerial voice enabled the former Bayern Munich assistant to have an impact that can shape a clubs short-term future.

Louise Taylor: Eric Bailly for Manchester United. At 30m he wasnt cheap but goodness knows how far United and Mourinho might have sunk without Baillys central defensive excellence.

Mamadou Sakho stops Alxis Snchez in his tracks. The defender transformed Crystal Palace after his loan move from Liverpool. Photograph: Matthew Childs/Reuters

Stuart James: NGolo Kant would have to be up there, though it was a rather obvious piece of business on Chelseas part, given the Frenchmans impact at Leicester the season before. With that in mind, and taking it account the size of the fee, Ill go for Victor Wanyama, Tottenhams 11m recruit from Southampton.

Jacob Steinberg: On the basis that signing Kant was a no-brainer after last seasons exploits, one has to admire Chelsea for making the return of David Luiz a success. Its easy to forget that there were plenty of doubts about the Brazilian when he signed on deadline day.

Simon Burnton: Crystal Palace won six of the 30 games they played without Mamadou Sakho in their line-up this season, but five of the eight in which the Liverpool loanee appeared, keeping five clean sheets in the process (counting their 1-0 defeat at Spurs, in which he was forced off after 57 goalless minutes and they conceded in the 78th). No other signing was so transformational.

Paul Doyle: Mamadou Sakho. Liverpool outcast, Crystal Palace saviour.

Ed Aarons: Hard to argue with NGolo Kant for 30m, who transferred from one blue title-winning shirt to another with minimum of fuss. Victor Wanyama, 11m from Southampton, has had almost the same effect for Tottenham, albeit for a third of the price.

Sachin Nakrani: Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I was among the people who thought the 35-year-old, while undeniably talented, would struggle in England. Instead he has gone on to become one of the best free transfers in Premier League history.

Worst flop

Daniel Taylor: Pep Guardiola. Maybe our expectations were too high but, after all that waiting, it has been a real disappointment. Claudio Bravo comes a close second, which probably illustrates the point.

Barney Ronay: Claudio Bravo of course, the first goalkeeper Ive ever seen receive an ironic round of applause from his own fans for making a save.

Dominic Fifield: Moussa Sissoko has hardly pulled up any trees since becoming Tottenham Hotspurs record signing, which has not come as much of a surprise to those who watched him regularly at Newcastle United.

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Guardiola: Barcelona and Bayern Munich would have sacked me video

Paul Wilson: The man who was tired of London. Dimitri Payet was a big letdown at West Ham United. The clubs 2015-16 player of the year and inspiration for a stadium mural at least ought to have been able to manage a full season before leaving.

Amy Lawrence: Jointly awarded to Manchester United and Arsenal, neither of whom were able to mount a serious challenge for the Premier League title despite recruiting heavily last summer to apparently boost their push.

Barry Glendenning: Pep Guardiola. Tasked with his most difficult job in management so far, even by his own admission the Manchester City manager has come up woefully short.

David Hytner: Simone Zaza. His ludicrous penalty at the Euros for Italy was merely the prelude. Saw his loan spell at West Ham United cut short after 11 matches and no goals because, had he played a bit more, the club would have had to buy him outright. Moved to Valencia in January.

Scott Murray: Pep Guardiola arrived in England with a big reputation … for being super-surly in press conferences. His glorious disdain for daft questions has at times shone through this was simply majestic but not yet with Fergie or Louis van Gaal levels of consistency. Hes got the press corps rattled, though, if the repeated raising of the subject on the Sunday Supplement is anything to go by. He now needs to go in for the kill.

Jamie Jackson: Claudio Bravo. Pep Guardiola probably blew Manchester Citys hopes of winning anything in his first season when bombing out Joe Hart and paying 14.5m for the Chilean on 25 August. Bravo in a word? Hapless.

Andy Hunter: Claudio Bravo. There were more expensive mistakes than the Manchester City goalkeeper Tottenhams 30m outlay on Moussa Sissoko for example but his recruitment was fundamental to how Pep Guardiola envisaged his first season in the Premier League and served only to undermine it. That is not to say it was a mistake to replace Joe Hart, who has toiled at Torino, only that Bravo was the wrong choice.

Louise Taylor: Moussa Sissoko, Tottenham Hotspur. Rafael Bentez is rightly proud of persuading Spurs to part with 30m for a midfielder who played a big part in Newcastle Uniteds relegation last year and whose Euro 2016 cameos for France flattered to deceive. Indeed when HMRC recently raided St James Park, club staff joked about whether they were investigating the theft of 30m from Spurs.

Stuart James: A few in the mix here Borja Bastn at Swansea, Jordon Ibe at Bournemouth and Ahmed Musa at Leicester all come to mind. But Claudio Bravo, Manchester Citys 17m goalkeeper, is surely the standout candidate. What were you thinking of, Pep?

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12 more things in Fallout 4 they don’t tell you, but advanced players need to know

More tips on how to survive in the radioactive wasteland, including how to fight Legendary enemies, hide goodies and carry more stuff

Fallout 4s rich and varied landscape is built for lackadaisical roaming the player characters nicknamed the Wanderer for a reason. The experience isnt about just racing through the main questline or finding the best gear, but assembling your own story from all of Bethesdas tiny interlocking parts.

The Commonwealth is a harsh mistress, however, so we could all use some help and none other than our grizzled survivor Corbyn has heeded your call. Weve already covered the 12 key tips for beginners, so now its time for some more advanced instruction. Lets really get those Super Mutants quaking in their boots.

1. VATS tricks

Fallout 4s Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System (VATS) mechanic slows time down to a crawl, and allows you to target specific body parts of enemies and displaying the chance of hitting them in a percentage. This is all many players use it for but there are several kinks to the way VATS operates that can make all the difference in a tight spot.

Our Fallout 4 character Corbyn is probably overdoing it by Crit-ing a bloodbug. Photograph: Bethesda

The obvious ones first: use VATS when your guns empty and, for the AP cost of that shot, youll get both the shot and a free reload. Critical hits build up over time in VATS and can then be stored until you want to use them yes these do great damage, but much more importantly theyre guaranteed to hit even if your normal shot only has a 1% chance. This is useful but in fights against enemies with specific weak points, such as the fusion core on power armour, save that Crit and zoom into VATS the second their model turns sideways 1% chance is all you need for the shot that ends the fight.

Crits are also useful for taking out the combat inhibitors on the back of mechanical enemies.

But it doesnt end there! One of the most useful functions of VATS is that your aim will be centred on any enemy you shot at after youve exited VATS. Think of this as at least one free shot and, thanks to the shonky enemy AI, usually many more if theyre still alive after using VATS, just spam that trigger.

2. Fraggle Rock!

Messed up that grenade toss? Always throwing it just a second too late as the Raiders scarper? Worry ye not my wasteland friend, for there are two magnificent tricks to frags that will turn your throwing arm into the envy of Shane Warne.

First one is obvious when you think about it: a well-placed bullet will prematurely detonate your grenade. Hit the VATS button as soon as you throw and youll find you can target the grenade, though depending on its location your shot chance will be different (this is another great opportunity for using the guarantee of a Crit.) And boom no more legs for your luckless foes.

As you can see, no enemies have yet noticed my explosive presence. Timing grenades is especially useful against crowds of weaker enemies.

The second trick, however, is even sneakier. A glitch in Fallout 4s way of slowing down game time during VATS means that, if your grenade has landed and you then target and shoot an enemy using VATS, the grenade will explode during the VATS shots. That is, you dont need to target the grenade at all if its in the right place, just target the enemy in VATS and it will explode near-instantaneously.

3. Getting legless

This one can be a lifesaver for when youre just out on a relaxing stroll and run into a randomly generated tough-as-nails Legendary enemy. Many of these enemies, after taking roughly half damage, will mutate into a tougher form and regain their lost health. What a joke.

This is how I like my Legendary enemies legless and toothless. Now cough up that loot! Photograph: Bethesda

The one thing that doesnt regenerate, however, is limb damage. When fighting Fallout 4s normal enemies you dont really need to target limbs so much so its easy to forget about this tactic, but it is absolutely the core part of my strategy against Legendaries. If its a Legendary Super Mutant, where were worried about their weapon, focus on the arms if they mutate, youve crippled the arm by that point and their accuracys dived. If its a Legendary Ghoul, blow off the legs, and then the mutated second stage can only look up in abject apology as you line up the combat shotgun.

4. Radical Stags

The greatest enemy in Fallout 4, the bane of every player, the most despicable sentence in the Commonwealth: Youre carrying too much and cant run!

God I hate it. There are several common workarounds: load up your companion, use the Solo Wanderer/Dogmeat glitch and so on. But when youre stuck in a lovely loot zone and just need that bit extra to get outdoors and fast-travel home, you want Grilled Radstag.

OK it doesnt LOOK very appetising, but when your other options are mole rats or Spam …

You see Radstags everywhere, usually in groups of two or three. Make a rule of slaughtering these defenceless creatures, and grilling them up at a cooking station because it adds +25 carry weight. Eat that and youll feel the benefit for an hour, but why not wash it down with a bottle of alcohol (+10 carry weight) and have an extra 35 on your weight limit. Because no trinket should be left behind.

5. Sleep well

What do you mean you never sleep? True, you dont really need to but occasionally a nice rest is just whats needed to heal up and see the sun again. One aspect of sleeping that is possible to overlook, however, is where the bed is.

If you really want to maximise XP gain, do this before handing in quests youve already completed. Photograph: Bethesda

Sleep in a bed that you own (in a settlement for example), or rent a room for the night and your character not only heals but gains a Well Rested bonus that gives 10% extra XP for eight in-game hours.

6. Sticky business

You could write a whole article about Fallout 4s crafting system, but one thing everyone needs more of is adhesive. Luckily theres a simple solution waiting in the cookery pot: have your settlements farm corn, mutfruit and tatos for subsistence. Perfectly respectable foods, but you can use these stores to pick the bottom option at a cooking stove and make Vegetable Starch each one worth a whopping five adhesive.

Vegetable starch goes into your junk inventory, so always remember to transfer it to storage before taking off.

7. Pick up named junk

This ones simple to the point of obvious: youll sometimes come across otherwise standard loot that has a modifier in the name, for example Rich Stantons beer. This means it is an exceptional beer for an exceptional man or, in other words, a key item for a quest you havent yet picked up. So pick it up and, down the road, youll be able to hand in that quest immediately.

The jazzy Hubris Comics office has plenty of interesting stuff, and make sure you take a close look at the props.

You may not actually make it through youor birthday if you eat this revolting morsel. However, it has a special name which means it could well be part of a later quest. Grab that sucker.

8. Hazmat and Hat

Two items of clothing I keep on me permanently are a Hazmat suit and a hat that grants +3 Charisma. The utility of the first is obvious: everywhere in Fallout 4 is more or less radioactive, and youll find some nasty spots. Its not convenient to fetch Power Armour for every little cubbyhole, so a Hazmat suit just always makes life easier.

Among the games weather effects are radiation storms which, if they catch you in the open, can be trouble but not with the humble Hazmat. Photograph: Bethesda

Hazmats are around theres one on sale in Diamond City but this is where I stumbled across mine relatively early on. Photograph: Bethesda

The hat I combine with some Grape Mentats (make at any cooking station) for when I need to sell a lot of gear or buy something big. Why not get your moneys worth?

9. Use it, dont lose it

Advice from bitter experience: dont just jump into the water willy nilly while wearing power armour. It sinks and, while most bodies of water in the game have a way out, some of them dont and youll have to abandon it there. Also, dont ever get rid of a companion wearing power armour by sending them back to a settlement my snazzy Flames set is still out there somewhere.

You can repair damaged power armour with steel but even without it the basic frame provides some protection and the suits usual abilities.

Finally, dont get out of it in a non-settlement area without removing the fusion core. Even if you cant see any enemies. Theres nothing so humiliating as getting out to stretch your legs, waking up a nest of raiders, and watching open-mouthed as they hijack your beautiful suit.

10. Mystery Meat

OK, I said I wouldnt be too specific but this is too good to pass up. On the far east of the Commonwealth (shown in the image) you can find Longneck Lukowskis cannery. On entering youll see a short exchange between two characters and can then offer to help with a pest problem in the building.

Looks delicious though, as ever in Bethesdas post-apocalyptic worlds, no-ones cleaned up for 200 years.

This kicks off a short-but-sweet mission, but the reason its great to visit here is that theres an office at the top of the building containing both the Barter bobblehead which permanently decreases buying prices by 5% and an issue of Tales of A Junktown Jerky Vendor, which applies its own discount depending on how many copies you have. Basically youre walking out of there after a 10-minute mission with everything in the Commonwealth 10% cheaper.

This is where youll find Longneck Lukowskis cannery, an essential visit for the savvy scavenger.

Bonus points: in the final confrontation, you can make your opponent surrender if you get them low enough, and make a very … interesting choice. Oh, and do apply the earlier tips about Legendaries and frags when youre exploring. Wouldnt want to end up in a can now, would we?

11. Give them a Minute, man

The Minutemen are rather worthy and dull sorts, all about helping out ones neighbour and looking out for each other. Blah blah blah, point me to the bad guys right?

Some people like Preston, but he constantly moans when youre hoovering up junk so I think hes a circle button. Photograph: Bethesda

The Castles replaced Sanctuary as my main settlement, because a half-destroyed castle looks cooler than half-destroyed bungalows.

Me too. But its worth zooming through the early Minutemen quests, which are all very easy, just to reach the point where you re-take a location called the Castle. First of all, when youre doing the quests beforehand, take Preston as your companion because completing each one depends on reporting back to him.

Take the Castle, go off and do something else, and soon enough someone will turn up looking for you. Go to see her and within 10 minutes youll bag a Fat Man portable nuke launcher, an absolute ton of ammo and a great armour set, and unlock artillery positions for every settlement.

12. And … smile

Though Ive loved much of my time with Fallout 4, it is a game filled with bugs and glitches that can on occasion really ruin your day. Ive lost hours of progress through annoying problems with the save system, seen my companions fly into the sky and disappear, even failed a mission because of an NPC that decided to walk to the bottom of a lake.

But its worth remembering that, for all the frustrations it brings, the janky side of Bethesda games can have real charm too. Use Corbyns tips wisely, comrades, and enjoy these dancing Mirelurks.

12 things in Fallout 4 they dont tell you but you really need to know

Fallout 4 review spectacular, messy and familiar

Fallout 4: the first 10 things to do in the apocalyptic wasteland

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/07/12-more-things-in-fallout-4-they-dont-tell-you-but-advanced-players-need-to-know/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/07/12-more-things-in-fallout-4-they-dont-tell-you-but-advanced-players-need-to-know/

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Brian Eno: Weve been in decline for 40 years Trump is a chance to rethink’

The revered producer has been at the centre of pop since the days of Roxy Music. But dont ask him about the past hes more interested in how to reorder society

Brian Enos new album is called Reflection, and what better time to reflect on an astonishing career? Or careers. Theres the first incarnation of Eno as the leopardskin-shirted synth-twiddler who overshadowed the more obviously mannered Bryan Ferry in Roxy Music. With his shoulder-length hair and androgynous beauty, there was something otherworldly about Eno. He was as preposterous as he was cool. So cool that, back then, he didnt bother with a first name.

After two wonderfully adventurous albums he left and Roxy became more conventional. There followed a sustained solo career, starting with the more poppy Here Come the Warm Jets, progressing to the defiant obscurity of his ambient albums and on to commercial Eno, the revered producer behind many of the great Bowie, Talking Heads, U2 and Coldplay records.

There is Eno the visionary, who helped conceive a 10,000-year clock and invented an influential pack of cards called Oblique Strategies that offer creative solutions for people inapickle. There is Eno the visual artist;Eno the activist, tirelessly campaigning for a fairer world; and Eno the philosopher, endlessly thinking of ways in which to bring thisnew world about.

We meet at his studio, near Notting Hill in west London. It is a mix of the minimalist and maximalist. Minimalist in its big white empty spaces, maximalist in the numerous books carefully filed away (library-like sections for African, Asian and European art), old-fashioned hi-fi equipment, a parked bike, and his own Rothko-ish artworks.

Eno, now 68, could not look more different from the louche glamour-puss of the early 70s. As his music became more pared down, so did he. The head was shaved, the makeup washed off and the feather boa dispensed with. Nowadays, he looks like a stylish academic.

His assistant asks me to join Eno athis table. Ill just be 40 seconds, finishing off my lunch, Eno says. He takes a mouthful of fruit salad. Just 30seconds now. There has always been something fastidious about him. His interviews tend to be 45 minutes long precisely. One journalist said that Eno had interrupted their chat to play him an Elvis Presley record that lasted two minutes and seven seconds, and then added two minutes and seven seconds to the interview sothe journalist wouldnt be shortchanged. At the same time, Eno loves to embrace the random. As a producer, he encourages artists to pick up Oblique Strategies cards to alter the path they are taking. Itell him I have brought a pack with me in case we find ourselves struggling. He smiles, flashing a gold tooth. That will be just the job, I should think, he says.

Roxy Music in 1972, with Eno at front. Photograph: Brian Cooke/Redferns

Eno talks slowly, calmly, eloquently. He would be brilliant on Just a Minute no repetition, hesitation or deviation. His voice is as soothing as his ambient music. He was christened Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno. You might assume he was an aristocrat, but his father and grandfather were postmen. And my great grandad actually, he says enthusiastically when I mention it. And my two uncles.

Did he ever think that was his destiny? Well, I did go into communications, didnt I? He laughs. Youre a sonic postman? Yeah! I help people communicate with each other in one way or another. When I was in my mid-30s, and my mother and father were living in a house I had bought for them with the proceeds of my music, my mum said: Dad and I were talking. Do you think youll ever settle down and get a job? Hahahhaha! She said: You could get a job in the Post Office. In the office! You know, not trudging delivering mail.

Eno decided he didnt want a regular job when he saw the effect it had on his father. He did shift work. It was a three-week cycle, mornings, afternoons and nights. I realised years later he was in a permanent state of jet lag because his eight-hour work day was shifting every week. I remember him coming home from work and sitting at the table; my mother had just put the food down and he fell forward, asleep. I thought even if I have to turn to crime, I wont get a job; the horror of being that exhausted and doing your work just to keep things going; the lack of freedom inyour life.

His Belgian mother had spent the war in Germany building planes in a labour camp. Eventually she returned to Belgium at the end of the war. It took her three months to get back. She arrived in Dendermonde near Brussels weighing five stone.

He has been talking quietly and beautifully about his parents. So it comes as a shock when I ask where his string of first names comes from, and he explodes. God, are we going to do any interesting questions? This is all bollocks. I mean Im not fucking interested at all in me. I want to talk about ideas. Can we do any of that?

He picks up one of the Oblique Strategy cards, and bursts out laughing. He shows it to the two women in the studio. Hahaha! How about that? Hahahaha! Take a break!

Take a break, they echo. Hahaha!

Arent they brilliant? Eno says. Fancy that.

The more they laugh, the smaller Ifeel.

Shaping the future: Enos Oblique Strategies cards. Photograph: Brian Eno

Eno says he hates talking about himself. Im not interested in that personality aspect of being an artist. Its all based on the idea that artists are automatically interesting people. I can tell you they arent. Their art might be very interesting, but as people they are no more or less interesting than anybody else. And Im really not at all interested in talking about Brian Eno. His ideas, however, I think have something to recommend them.

So what is Brian Eno working on at the moment, I ask. Im interested in the idea of generative music as a sort of model for how society or politics could work. Im working out the ideas Im interested in, about how you make aworking society rather than a dysfunctional one like the one we live in at the moment by trying to make music in a new way. Im trying to see what kinds of models and and structures make the music I want to hear, and then Im finding its not a bad idea to try to think about making societies in that way.

Could he be more specific? Yes. If you think of the classical picture of how things were organised in an orchestra where you have the composer, conductor, leader of the orchestra, section principals, section sub principals, rank and file the flow of information is always downwards. The guy at the bottom doesnt get to talk to that guy at the top. Almost none of us now would think that hierarchic model of social organisation, the pyramid, is agood way to arrange things.

In other words, he says, society should be built on the more egalitarian model of a folk or rock band, who just get together and do their thing, rather than a classical orchestra. Cant you see, he says with the passion of a visionary, if you transpose that argument into social terms, its the argument between the top down and bottom up? It is possible to have a society that doesnt have pre-existing rules and structures. And you can use the social structures of bands, theatre groups, dance groups, all the things we now call culture. You can say: Well, it works here. Why shouldnt it work elsewhere?

He has called himself an optimist. In the past. I ask him if he still is, post-2016. Yes, he says, there is a positive way to look at it. Most people I know felt that 2016 was the beginning of a long decline with Brexit, then Trump and all these nationalist movements in Europe. It looked like things were going to get worse and worse. I said: Well, what about thinking about it in a different way? Actually, its the end of a long decline. Weve been in decline for about 40 years since Thatcher and Reagan and the Ayn Rand infection spread through the political class, and perhaps weve bottomed out. My feeling about Brexit was not anger at anybody else, it was anger at myself for not realising what was going on. I thought that all those Ukip people and those National Fronty people were in a little bubble. Then I thought: Fuck, it was us, we were in the bubble, we didnt notice it. There was a revolution brewing and we didnt spot it because we didnt make it. We expected we were going to be therevolution.

He draws me a little diagram to explain how society has changed productivity and real wages rising in tandem till 1975, then productivity continuing to rise while real wages fell. It is easily summarised in that Joseph Stiglitz graph. The trouble now, he says, is the extremes of wealth and poverty. You have 62 people worth the amount the bottom three and a half billion people are worth. Sixty-two people! You could put them all in one bloody bus then crash it! He grins. Dont say that bit. (Since we meet, Oxfam publish a report suggesting that only eight men own as much wealth as the poorest 3.6 billion people in the world half the worlds population.)

Eno himself is a multimillionaire, largely because of his work as a producer.He wouldnt be one of the 62, would he, I ask. I certainly wouldnt be, he says with a thin smile. No, Im a long way off that.

He is still thinking about the political fallout of the past year. Actually, in retrospect, Ive started to think Im pleased about Trump and Im pleased about Brexit because it gives us a kick up the arse and we needed it because we werent going to change anything. Just imagine if Hillary Clinton had won and wed been business as usual, the whole structure shed inherited, the whole Clinton family myth. I dont know thats a future I would particularly want. It just seems that was grinding slowly to a halt, whereas now, with Trump, theres a chance of a proper crash, and a chance to really rethink.

Reflection is his 26th solo album, and his first ambient release in five years. Does he think there is a particular need for its soothing qualities at the moment? Well, I think this is quite a good time for it, he says.

I am not sure I get ambient its pleasant but dull; nice to have on in thebackground while you are working. Thats exactly what I want it for myself, he says, delighted. I do a lot of writing, and one of the ways I have of writing is by starting to make a piece of music of that kind and then, while Im carrying on writing, Im thinking: Theres a bit too much of that and not enough of this. So I go in and fiddle around with ita bit. I keep adjusting the music until its helping the writing, and then I adjust it less and less.

I had read that he initially made ambient music to help him when travelling, because he was frightened of flying; that it was supposed to be a kind of audio Mogadon. No, not Mogadon. One of the things you can get from music is surrender. From a lot of art, what youre saying is: Let it happen to me. Im going to let myself be out of control. Im going to let something else take over me. And thats what he wants to happen with this music.

That desire to surrender is interesting because, in many ways, he seems so controlled. I mention the interview with the Elvis song. Well, thats fair, isnt it? Its controlled but not controlling. You asked me whether Im controlling. Thats different to whether Im controlled. I think controlling would be if I said to the interviewer: Im taking some time out of the interview to play you something, but fuck you, Im in control here, so piss off. I didnt say that. I said Im taking some time out of the interview to play you something, but since you didnt request that, Im not expecting you to lose that time. Of course, I work in a role that could be seen as a controlling role as a producer. But, in fact, Im not that kind of producer. What I want to do is make situations where were all slightly at sea because people make their best work when they are alert, and alertness comes at the moment when you feel youre on the edge of being out of control. Youre not alert when youre settled and you know exactly what youre doing.

Ah, the collaborations. Much as Iadmire Eno the thinker and activist, like most of his fans it is Eno the collaborator/producer I love. And this is what I have really been looking forward to talking about. Like many middle-aged pop enthusiasts, I owe a huge debt to Eno. He has shaped so much of my favourite music from the first two Roxy Music albums, to Bowies Berlin trilogy and Talking Heads Remain in Light. Just as fascinating is his ability to mentor the more obviously commercial Coldplay and U2.

Eno with David Bowie and Bono at the Meltdown festival in 2002. Photograph: Kevin Mazur Archive/WireImage

Who has he enjoyed working with most? Pause. Probably Brian Eno! Hehehe! I keep returning to him. No, really, I say, which collaborations does he look back on with most satisfaction? Idont look back much, to be honest. Whenever I look back at music, I think how I could have done it better.

Is there nothing that makes him think, God, I love that? Well, I suppose every collaboration continued because I liked doing it. Some of them are funnier than others

Which ones? Erm Uch. I dont want to talk about this. I so dont want to talk about this. And again, an explosion. Look, weve got a few minutes left. Lets talk about something good.

Thats controlling, I say.

Its not controlling. Its just fucking boring. I have to keep myself awake. Im tired.

I dont understand, I say I dont even know what is so fucking boring that you are refusing to talk about.

I just dont want to talk about history. All that shit! You can find all this in other interviews Ive done. Ivebeen 40 years talking about other people Ive worked with. No, sorry. Imjust not interested.

Doesnt he think the idea that the interview should be entirely about the present and what he may do in the future is a bit unreasonable?

But you can do research, he says. And calm, measured Eno has turned into irascible Eno. Thats your job! Research! You can look through thousands of interviews Ive done where Ive talked about all of this. Thats your job! You get paid for it. I dont get paid for this, by the way!

I get paid to ask people questions, Isay.

OK, well, youve asked me and Ive said I dont want to answer them. Thats a fair deal, isnt it? I know what you were after, he says, and I dont want to go there. I dont want to go intoa historical gloss on my career because that is not where my thoughts are right now. Im thinking about something as were talking that were not talking about and I dont want to lose it.

What is he thinking about? That piece of music Im working on in there which I have been playing today and making changes to in between interviews.

Was he thinking that I was asking about Bowie?

I know you were.

Well, I kind of was and wasnt.

Well, you kind of were, he mocks.

No, I say, I was thinking of any number of the great collaborations, including Bowie.

Im not interested in talking about any of them. And I think it would be considerate of you to say: He doesnt want to talk about that, so there are plenty of other things he could talk about; hes quite an interesting guy. Then he tells me exactly how Im trying to trap him. I could ask him a million other questions, but I know because this would make a headline, so Im going to fucking ask him about that.

I think thats unfair, I say.

All right, sorry, that is unfair, Eno says.

Weve spent most of the time talking about politics.

Only because I asked you to, he replies sullenly.

OK, were going to have to have to wrap this up now, the publicist says.

I dont want to wrap it up on a badvibe, Eno says, talking fast and breathing heavily.

But weve ground to a halt. Im not sure that even his Oblique Strategies could help us now.

Im sorry, he says. Im very tired today because I didnt sleep last night. And I knew I was going to be ratty, so Im sorry about that. But I really dont want to spend the rest of my life Im now 68, so I might have another 15 to 20 years left talking about my history. So, given the little time Ive got left on this planet, I would really love to focus on some of the new things Im doing.

What new stuff have we not talked about that he would like to talk about, Iask. Silence. I point to the serene orange lightbox image in front of us, and ask if thats a recent piece of work. Yes, thats one of my new pieces. Yes, this is stuff Ive been doing for hospitals, he says. I was invited to make some of these for rooms where people are spending a long time in stressful situations. With that he calls the interview to an end.

Reflection is out now on Warp.

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Premier League 2016 -1 7 season critique: our scribes’ best and worsts

Our columnists take stock after the Premier League season, mentioning their best participate, finest purpose, most humorous coincide, biggest gripe and much more

Best player

Daniel Taylor : NGolo Kant. If he was able to remain Cesc Fbregas out of the Chelsea team, he must be some player.

Barney Ronay: Friendly midfield interceptors are the manner, but Harry Kane has been the outstanding single player: top scorer, crew man and with just enough comic-book star quality.

Dominic Fifield : Eden Hazard, liberated by Antonio Contes swap in arrangement, added the cut and thrust which invigorated Chelsea to their title success. Given his toils last season as he fought with a hip objection, his improvement was eye-catching. Paul Wilson : It possibly doesnt stuff which Chelsea candidate gets the vote, so in the interests of sharing acts around I am going to go for Csar Azpilicueta. He seems to be able to play in any statu across the back wire and his consistency and diligence are unaffected. Amy Lawrence : If you could bottle the spirit of Kant and grocery it to football clubs it would be a bestseller. He has an ability to form others around him better, to make a game plan quicker. The space he carried his Leicester caliber so easily to Chelsea, to be transformative instant, deserves all the plaudits. Barry Glendenning : Jordan Pickford. Only in Sunderlands first team because David Moyes was also able to enticement Joe Hart on loan to Wearside, the 23 -year-old gathered off the impressive accomplishment of shaping himself one of the most sought-after young goalkeepers in Europe despite invited to participate in the Premier Leagues worst unit. Even though he prone to the increasingly uncommon error, its hard to select defects in different aspects of Pickfords overall competition and its no exaggeration to say that without him, Sunderland might well have been relegated before the sighting of this springs first swallow. David Hytner : Eden Hazard. Back to his very best. Its capability to form certain differences when it matters the most traces him out. Scott Murray : Diego Costa kept Chelsea going throughout the autumnal journey that are actually chose the conference, all the while staying in attribute as pantomime provocateur. Homeric. Well miss his entertaining attendance where reference is exited.

Jamie Jackson: Dele Alli. Seventeen Premier League aims at 175 hours per impres for a No10 is top class. At 21, a player with that hem all upper-class actors possess has to get better.

Andy Hunter: Eden Hazard. The endorses were not simply a extremely defensive squad, as a former manager endure sour grapes proposed. They were also the most devastating and smart team in the final third thanks mainly to the Belgium internationals return to form.

Chelseas Eden Hazard has been back to his best this season. Image: Darren Walsh/ Chelsea FC via Getty Images

Louise Taylor: Sam Clucas, Hull City; runner up, David Luiz, Chelsea. There are other, far more obvious, campaigners but placed in the context of Clucass achievement in ascending five echoes of the tournament ladder in consecutive seasons it must continue to be the left-footed midfielder. Impressive since being altered from a wide persona to center midfield this expression, the intelligence of Clucass transferring tolerates the hallmarks of Glenn Hoddle, who urged him not to give up video games before sharpening his knowledge at his football establishment in Spain. David Luiz, meanwhile, is lovely to watch and his re-invention in Antonio Contes back three has exhaustively perplexed the doubters.

Stuart James: Gylfi Sigurdsson. Directly involved in 22 of Swansea Citys 43 points. For a musician to constantly create and tally so many destinations in a unit that expended nearly the entire season contending relegation is quite something.

Jacob Steinberg : After last-place seasons sabbatical, Eden Hazard rediscovered his mojo in stimulating form and discovered the uniformity to go with his outrageous expertise. NGolo Kant was a worthwhile recipient of the PFA and FWA gifts, but Hazard was Chelseas match-winner on so many occasions.

Paul Doyle: Kasper Schmeichel. While the rest of last seasons endorses lost their way, the goalkeeper was the only Leicester player to improve. Yes, there was that 6-1 demolish by Spurs but, taking a broader thought, Schmeichel was an example to us all in these agitated times.

Simon Burnton : The brilliant, hard-working, humble and likeable NGolo Kant deserves all the player-of-the-season apportions currently cluttering his mantelpiece. Ed Aarons : NGolo Kant deserves his awards for acquiring a second subsequent Premier League title, but Christian Eriksens return to shape coincided with Tottenhams emergence as Chelseas merely genuine challengers. Even 13 abets and eight Premier League purposes do not explain the importance of the Denmark international to Mauricio Pochettino. Csar Azpilicueta likewise deserves a mention.

Sachin Nakrani : Gylfi Sigurdsson. The Iceland international instantly contributed to almost half of Swanseas Premier League purposes and, very simply, without him they would have been relegated, sustaining all the fallout that comes with that, which, it should be remembered, includes beings losing their jobs.

Best director

Daniel Taylor : Antonio Conte. Even Jos Mourinho has stopped temporarily, at least trying to undermine him. How, perhaps, can anyone question what he has to be undertaken to get Chelsea back on top?

Barney Ronay: Antonio Conte. Hurled together on the hoof a wonderfully well-grooved champ team, eased John Terry out of the picture without the slightest friction and on pair daytimes remains the most ridiculously roused mortal about anything ever.

Dominic Fifield : Antonio Conte. In a conference crammed with nobility administrators, he changed excellent to the peculiarities of the Premier League and aimed up putting all the other big names to shame.

Paul Wilson : It was going to be Marco Silva until a few weeks ago, but now Hull are back in the real world after a brief visit to dreamland there seems no extent in appearing past the obvious. Antonio Conte could hardly have hoped for a better first season in England. In words of impact, it says it all that he can now equal Carlo Ancelottis double as well as Jos Mourinhos Premier League chronicle of wins in a season.

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Antonio Conte: Chelsea’s new Special One? video

Amy Lawrence : Conte. From the very first competition of the Premier League campaign when he celebrated a late win over West Ham with that zealous touchline affection, he has managed almost every situation with permission, class and form. In tactical adjustments and being management, drawing best available out of characters as different as David Luiz, Diego Costa, Victor Moses and Pedro, he just missed a beat. Barry Glendenning : Antonio Conte. Charming and handsome, with the touchline demeanor of a soldier who has just had a large handful of red ants declined down the trousers of his expensive decorator dres, the issue is little to dislike about Chelseas manager. His was changed to a back three in the aftermath of defeat at Arsenal has been hailed in some quarters as the greatest managerial masterstroke in its own history of football and while that may be be over-egging the pudding moderately, the way in which he steered his team to the entitlement with a minimum of fuss in a season when one or more of Messrs Klopp, Mourinho and Guardiola were expected to have his calibrate was no mean feat. David Hytner : Antonio Conte. It has been another hugely impressive season for Mauricio Pochettino but Contes has to get better. Took over a Chelsea squad with both problems and, in what has been his first season outside of Italy, moulded them into champions. Scott Murray : Heres a respectful nod to Arsne Wenger, who in addition to yet another high conference grade and yet another cup final, somehow maintained super-human levels of glory despite intense provocation from an entitled minority. An astonishing stunt. His is likely to be much the better examine when this story is told 20 times from now.

Jamie Jackson: Antonio Conte. He coached the volatile Costa to 20 tournament aims and may prevail the classic English double in his debut season.

Andy Hunter: Conte is the stand-out select , not only for acquiring the Premier League title in his first season in English football but for how he responded to potential disasters notably the 3-0 defeat at Arsenal and Januarys stand-off with Costa.

Louise Taylor: Sean Dyche, Burnley. Antonio Conte clearly has a strong lawsuit while, despite narrowly failing to keep Hull up, Marco Silva turned water into wine-coloured in east Yorkshire. Then theres Mauricio Pochettino, whose Tottenham team play marvelous football on about one half the collective payment invoice of other top six surfaces, but remaining Burnley in the Premier League is a significant achievement. Payed the same relatively limited resources as Dyche, would Jos Mourinho or Pep Guardiola have done anything like as well?

Sean Dyches Burnley have never genuinely been threatened with relegation this season so good has their residence figure been. Image: Lee Smith/ Reuters

Stuart James: Antonio Conte. Immensely impressive to triumph the entitlement in his first season in English football tactically astute, full of anger for the game and gives the impression that every musician, even those not regularly in his starting XI, buys into his work.

Jacob Steinberg : A nod to Sean Dyche for preventing Burnley away from the relegation scrap, but it must continue to be Conte, who outshone his contenders by resurrecting a misfiring, uneven crew with the superpower of his motivational qualities, tactical acumen and virulent will to win.

Paul Doyle: Sean Dyche. Burnley never looked like going down, which is remarkable.

Simon Burnton : Great as Tottenham have once again working under Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Contes affect at Chelsea has been greater. Ed Aarons : Antonio Conte. The Italian exclusively arrived at Stamford Bridge a month before Chelseas first tournament of the season but has emerged as a title win in his first season in English football. The switch to 3-4-3 shall determine Contes success but the former Juventus midfielder has also shown his man-management skills in are working with Diego Costas regular tantrums. Sachin Nakrani : Antonio Conte. Winning the deed in your first season in England is a superb achievement, especially where reference is involves reinvigorating a squad that had been in turmoil in the previous campaign.

Best aim

Daniel Taylor : Olivier Girouds scorpion kick for Arsenal against Crystal Palace. Barney Ronay : Girouds operating scorpion attack, a nice move and a ludicrous finish, made all the more preposterous by the fact he seems to stop mid-scorpion to winch his leg up a little higher, like a exceedingly stiff humankind trying to moved his method over a garden fence. Dominic Fifield : Eden Hazard against Arsenal, sprinting away from Laurent Koscielny and holding off Francis Coquelins attempts to bring him down, then finishing before Shkodran Mustafi could block. Paul Wilson : Sam Allardyce will have been more worried about some unconvincing Crystal Palace defending, but Andy Carrolls overhead knock against Crystal Palace takes some beating for wow influence. Not a crew objective, perhaps, but Carroll set a lot of himself into it.

Amy Lawrence : The Emre Can/ Giroud/ Henrikh Mkhitaryan showpieces lead the way for individualism, but there was something that impressed a chord about Willians goal for Chelsea at Everton in video games that felt so influential for the title. What a fine unit point. The caliber of Cesc Fbregass scamper and pass for Willian summed up the brio Chelsea rediscovered this season. That was the moment they experienced undeniably like endorses again.

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How the 2016 -1 7 Premier League title was triumphed by Chelsea video

Barry Glendenning : Gastn Ramrez. Possibly not the best, but almost certainly the only thing of interest any Middlesbrough footballer did all season Ramrezs fine solo try transmitted goal-shy Boro on their behavior to their first home acquire. Picking up the ball inside his own half and encouraged by the strange reluctance of anyone in a Bournemouth shirt to open him down, the Uruguayan embarked on a 70 -yard run down the inside left that climaxed with him unexpectedly cutting inside and slotting dwelling. Buoyed by this rare moment of quality and inspiration, Middlesbrough went on to prevail three more Premier League accords, while their increasingly unpopular summertime sign would go on to tallied simply one more purpose as his line-up sank below the depths. David Hytner : Andy Carroll v Crystal Palace. Nothing are competent to create jaws to the floor more quickly than the thundering scissor kick. Especially whilst it is carried out by a big man. Scott Murray : Olivier Giroud against Palace. A finish so ludicrous its easy to forget the six-player pitch-long romp that predated it, exaggerated by a centre-circle back-flick from Giroud himself. English footballs most eye-catching sweep forward since Terry McDermott tallied against Spurs in 1978.

Jamie Jackson: Henrikh Mkhitaryans scorpion kick versus Sunderland on Boxing Day. Zlatan Ibrahimovic pings a cross over from the right and the Armenian tells travel a winging back-heeled barrage. Delicious.

Andy Hunter: Dimitri Payet, West Ham United v Middlesbrough. Other destinations carried more weight in the framework of the season Emre Can against Watford and Eden Hazards v Arsenal being the most notable patterns but based purely on its merits this momentary remember of a better quality the France international could bring to the Premier League had no equals.

Louise Taylor: Robert Snodgrass v Leicester City. The win in a 2-1 stupor opening-day victory against the represent endorses for Mike Phelans side. When Wes Morgan could only half-clear Ahmed Elmohamadys hateful cross, the dance fell to Snodgrass whose first-time, left hoofed, half-volley arrowed into the bottom area.

Stuart James: Emre Cans bicycle kick against Watford must take some hit. In fairness, Olivier Girouds scorpion kick against Palace is also worthy of a mention.

Emre Can makes run with a sumptuous overhead kicking against Watford. Picture: John Walton/ PA

Jacob Steinberg : Gaston Ramrezs slaloming 70 -yard run against Bournemouth ended with a ingeniou gimmick and a cool finish. Sure, Andy Carroll, Olivier Giroud and Henrikh Mkhitaryan all took the sigh away with those scorpion kicks and bicycle blares. But in an otherwise frightful season for Middlesbrough, the fact Ramrezs solo effort was a rare time of exhilaration realizes it all the more precious. Simon Burnton : Olivier Girouds New Years Day scorpion kicking wasnt even Januarys goal of the month, and there are a few rival volleys that compare with it, but to my judgment it is the best of the bunch. It has grown on the scorer as much as it has grown on me: after the game he said he was a bit luck. It was the only occasion I could do. I tried to punched it with a backheel and after it was all about luck, but by March he was saying: I dont wishes to large-hearted myself up but objectives like mine leave a mark on history. Andy Carrolls[ overhead kicking] is splendid, but perhaps parties wont remember it in two years hour. Mine, yes.

Paul Doyle: Wayne Rooney against Stoke. It was a blaze of a space to grasp a late equaliser, specified a wonderful register and persuade Jos Mourinho he could lastly jilt an over-the-hill hero.

Ed Aarons : In a season of stunning attacks, Emre Can saved best available for last. His brilliant overhead knock against Watford left nothing to occasion, unlike Olivier Giroud or Henrikh Mkhitaryans scorpion kicks. Sachin Nakrani : Olivier Giroud v Crystal Palace. In a season of remarkable scorpion/ overhead kickings, this one borders it because of the slick counter-attack that predated it and which Giroud was involved in as well as the height at which boot satisfied dance prior to it looping into the net.

Best equal

Daniel Taylor : At the risk of reverberating like a calamity, its not easy to think of a stand-out competition this season. Nothing left home as aroused as, say, discovering Monaco in the Champions League. Barney Ronay : Swansea 5-4 Crystal Palace. Messy, wild and hopeless at times, but this is basically what the Premier League is for. Dominic Fifield : Bournemouths madcap 4-3 win over Liverpool was entertaining, but Crystal Palaces prevail at Chelsea in April encapsulated everything about the baffling nature of the Premier League at times. Chelsea were exquisite going forward, playing wonderfully perceptive and inventive football. Palace defended ruggedly and, somehow, maintained them out. Paul Wilson : The one that persists in the mind is Manchester City 1-3 Chelsea. An eventful and entertaining activity, with some dead-eyed finishing by Chelsea to leave Pep Guardiola murmuring about Kevin de Bruynes miss for the rest of the season. A substantial deed arrow at the Etihad too, for the second successive season following Leicesters statement win in February. Amy Lawrence : Swansea 5-4 Crystal Palace. Lovely, magnificent, beautiful, panicked madness. The good of the Bob Bradley experience. Alan Pardew trying to put on a brave face. First on Match of the Day for an unanticipated play. Whats not to like?

Barry Glendenning: Bournemouth 4-3 Liverpool. They dont get much more entertainingthan this white-knuckle rideat the Vitality Stadium.

Leroy Fer scores during Swanseas rollercoaster 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. Picture: Christopher Lee/ Getty Images

David Hytner : Swansea v Crystal Palace. Never mind the defending at both ends, this was a classic, loaded with drama, and the backgrounds after Fernando Llorentes stoppage-time winner seems to shake the Liberty Stadium. Both of the managers, Bob Bradley and Alan Pardew, were sacked within a month or so. Scott Murray : Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool. It certainly wouldnt have taken much for the purposes of our activity to have ended 5-0, 0-5 or 5-5. One of those.

Jamie Jackson: Burnleys emphatic win over Liverpool at Turf Moor on the seasons second weekend perforated a loophole in the name conceits of Jrgen Klopps team and recommended Sean Dyches mortals would live. Those auguries were attested correct.

Andy Hunter: Everton 4-0 Manchester City. Selecting from Premier League coincides attended, this raucous afternoon at Goodison Park stands out for numerous rationales. In Ronald Koemans sees it was really perfect and a total crew execution from Everton. It demonstrated the emergence of Tom Davies, who scored his first point for the fraternity with an exquisite chipping over Claudio Bravo at the Gwladys Street end, and wreaked a debut aim for Ademola Lookman with one of the boys first signatures in the Premier League. For Pep Guardiola, nonetheless, it highlighted the defensive and mental fragilities at Manchester City, represented the heaviest tournament demolish of his managerial career and left him confessing the entitlement was beyond his unit for this season.

Louise Taylor: If this necessitates watched live, its a difficult one to refute. As north-east correspondent Ive certainly investigated a few candidates for worst play at Sunderland and Middlesbrough and the very best ones I covered invariably implied Newcastle United in the Championship. One top-tier tournament does stick in the retention though; Hull 3-3 Crystal Palace in December. A six-goal thriller boasting a brilliant, mesmerising accomplishment from Palaces Wilfried Zaha.

Stuart James: Swansea City 5-4 Crystal Palace. A nine-goal thriller that was 1-1 with 25 instants continuing then all hell let loose. Bob Bradley and Alan Pardew, the respective directors, went through every spirit moving and, in truth, it wasnt certainly remarkable that neither person lasted long long in the job. For what its worth, the reporters at video games were also in a ghastly district come the end.

Jacob Steinberg : Crystal Palace 0-4 Sunderland. Sunderland were so surprised about scoring four goals in a single half that they didnt win another play until they were already demoted. In their explanation, Ive only just recovered from the sicken as well. Simon Burnton : Liverpools 4-3 acquire at the Emirates on the seasons opening weekend was everything you are able expect it to be and more. Good attacking, lovely purposes from open gambling, a dazzling free kick, brilliant soul skill, flustering manager-hugging occasions, sunshine, it had the spate. The only possible reaction was yes please, Ill have nine months more of that. Which, unhappily, neither team could deliver.

Paul Doyle: Leicester 4-2 Manchester City. Thrilling and at times bright, but likewise outlandish, outrageous and ludicrous. A snapshot of this seasons Premier League.

Ed Aarons : Swansea 5-4 Palace. Passing 4-3 with the game past the 90 -minute mark, Alan Pardew must have felt pretty good. His squad had just combated back from 3-1 down with only 15 times remaining to lead, simply to cede the points to Fernando Llorentes double in trauma time. Sachin Nakrani : Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool. A high-octane, end-to-end, relentlessly-thrilling meeting only let down by poverty-stricken cease. A mention, more, for Swanseas 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. A madcap encounter that saw two points in stoppage meter and Alan Pardew fearing the worst.

Best referee

Daniel Taylor : Keith Hackett. I meet his analysis of the current harvest and marvel that he must never have made a mistake in his life. Barney Ronay : Clatts. Will be missed, in part for his unintentional slapstick, when he foliages for Sauds. Dominic Fifield : Probably Martin Atkinson or Michael Oliver. Paul Wilson : No idea. They all search the same to me. Lets say Martin Atkinson. Amy Lawrence : Michael Oliver doesnt seem to want to be the idol as much as some. He gives the impression of missing the best game possible.

Barry Glendenning : Mike Dean. His no-lookyellow card to Ross Barkley in the Merseyside derby at Goodison Park was a occasion of beauty.

Referee Mike Deans no-look yellowish card given to Ross Barkley was a happening of grace. Picture: Jason Cairnduff/ Reuters

David Hytner : I dont have strong appears on the two categories this season. Id still say Mark Clattenburg is the best. Scott Murray : Adjudicators are lightning rods for impotent exasperation, widespread paranoia and shortsighted storm. Objective accolade doesnt come into it, its not what theyre there for.

Jamie Jackson: The video officer what a intrepid innovation. What? They still do not exist despite everybody else having access to ad nauseam replays?

Andy Hunter: Any nomination will incur the displeasure of at the least one club though Anthony Taylor continues to improve so in the interests of unison lets just say its not Jon Moss.

Louise Taylor: Probably Mark Clattenburg( despite missing the latter part of the season following move to Saudi Arabia .)

Stuart James: Not much to get excited about here. Martin Atkinson, Mark Clattenburg( yes, I realise hes now extended) and Michael Oliver would be in the three best. Oliver, on a good day, gets the nod.

Jacob Steinberg : Michael Oliver gets my poll, capped by penalise Manchester Uniteds cynic rotational fouling on Hazard in the FA Cup. Simon Burnton : Mark Clattenburg. He sometimes looks like he thinks hes the best referee in the property, which is unappealing, but that doesnt establish him wrong.

Paul Doyle: Mike Dean. The only one to enforce the shirt-tugging directive with something close to consistency. And technology will never have peculiarities as entertaining as his.

Ed Aarons : Mark Clattenburg and Martin Atkinson generally get the biggest gigs from Uefa and Fifa, but Michael Oliver remains the superb umpire in the country. Still simply 32, the Ashington official has been in charge of more accords( 31) than anyone and problem precisely two red-faced placards. Sachin Nakrani : Unlike 99% of people who watch football in this country, I dont have a strong viewpoint on referees. They all seem roughly the same and their mistakes, while rarely astounding, never entice me into reaching for a pitchfork.

Best signing

Daniel Taylor : Mamadou Sakho. Parties laughed when a January loan signing was nominated for Crystal Palaces actor of the season bestow. But without him Palace would be down. Barney Ronay : Leroy San. What a exquisite mover, what a calm pate, what a nice young man. Seems to have no real restraint to how good he could be. Dominic Fifield : NGolo Kant was key to Leicester Citys startling success in 2016, and just as influential to that of Chelsea in 2017. A blur of energy and interceptions, and at the core of everything Chelsea have achieved. Paul Wilson : Where would Manchester United be without Zlatan Ibrahimovics contribution? Scarcely best available appreciate signing, and not exactly one for the future either, but until injury impressed he did what he had been “ve brought” to do. Amy Lawrence : Hard to argue with Kant for overall affect. Honourable mentions to Mamadou Sakho who made a big difference to Crystal Palaces quandary, and Gabriel Jesus for being a great sign who examines bound to glisten more for Manchester City in future. Barry Glendenning : NGolo Kant. David Hytner : David Luiz. Has shown that underneath the mad mane lies an intelligent reader of the game. Has exceeded in the middle of a back three. Long transfer remains beautiful to watch. Scott Murray : Gabriel Jesus, a score-any-sort genius destined to sounds in an outrageous number of objectives. Had he not picked up that hurt in February, Manchester City would have given Chelsea a race.

Jamie Jackson: Eric Bailly. Manchester United seem to have filled the Nemanja Vidic-sized gap created by his 2014 deviation. Expenditure 30 m from Villarreal, the Ivorian is a tough, reigning 23 -year-old who can be a fixture for a decade.

Andy Hunter: Paul Clement. Swansea City were foot and seeming particular for relegation when they appointed their third manager of the campaign in January. Astute signals such as Tom Carroll and persuasion a crew to buy into yet another managerial spokesperson allowed the former Bayern Munich assistant to have an impact that can figure a clubs short-term future.

Louise Taylor: Eric Bailly for Manchester United. At 30 m he wasnt cheaps but goodness knows how far United and Mourinho might have settled without Baillys central defensive excellence.

Mamadou Sakho stops Alxis Snchez in his racetracks. The champion transformed Crystal Palace after his loan move from Liverpool. Image: Matthew Childs/ Reuters

Stuart James: NGolo Kant “wouldve been” up there, though it was a rather obvious fragment of business on Chelseas part, given the Frenchmans impact at Leicester the season before. With that in judgment, and taking it account the size of the cost, Ill go for Victor Wanyama, Tottenhams 11 m recruit from Southampton.

Jacob Steinberg : On the basis that signal Kant was a no-brainer after last-place seasons exploits, one has to admire Chelsea for doing the yield of David Luiz a success. Its easy to forget that there were plenty of doubts concerning the Brazilian where reference is signed on deadline day. Simon Burnton : Crystal Palace prevailed six of the 30 plays they played without Mamadou Sakho in their line-up this season, but five of the eight in which the Liverpool loanee sounded, preventing five clean expanses in the process( weighing their 1-0 defeat at Spurs, in which he was forced off after 57 goalless minutes and they relinquished in the 78 th ). No other signing was so transformational. Paul Doyle : Mamadou Sakho. Liverpool outcast, Crystal Palace saviour. Ed Aarons : Hard to argue with NGolo Kant for 30 m, who carried from one blue-blooded title-winning shirt to another with minimum of fuss. Victor Wanyama, 11 m from Southampton, has had almost the same effects for Tottenham, albeit for a third of the price. Sachin Nakrani : Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I was among the people who conceived the 35 -year-old, while undeniably talented, would struggle in England. Instead he has gone on to become one of the best free moves in Premier League history.

Worst bust

Daniel Taylor : Pep Guardiola. Maybe our possibilities were too high but, after all that waiting, it has been a real displeasure. Claudio Bravo comes a close second, which are likely represents the point. Barney Ronay : Claudio Bravo of course, the first goalkeeper Ive “ve ever seen” receive an sarcastic round of ovation from his own fans for making a save.

Dominic Fifield : Moussa Sissoko has barely pulled up any trees since growing Tottenham Hotspurs record signing, which has not come just as much of a surprise to those who watched him regularly at Newcastle United.

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Guardiola: Barcelona and Bayern Munich would have sacked me video

Paul Wilson : The being who was tired of London. Dimitri Payet was a big letdown at West Ham United. The clubs 2015 -1 6 participate of the year and muse for a stadium mural at the least ought to have been able to manage a full season before leaving. Amy Lawrence : Jointly apportioned to Manchester United and Arsenal, neither of whom were able to mount a serious challenge for the Premier League title despite recruiting heavily last summer to apparently boost their push.

Barry Glendenning: Pep Guardiola. Tasked with his most difficult job in management so far, even by his own admittance the Manchester City manager has come up woefully short.

David Hytner : Simone Zaza. His outlandish retribution at the Euros for Italy was simply the prelude. Saw his lend sorcery at West Ham United break short after 11 coincides and no goals because, had he played a bit more, the sorority would have had to buy him outright. Moved to Valencia in January. Scott Murray : Pep Guardiola reached in England with a big honour … for being super-surly in press conferences. His splendid disdain for daft doubts has at times glint through this was simply magnificent but not yet with Fergie or Louis van Gaal levels of consistency. Hes got the press corps clanged, though, if the repeated conjure of the subject on the Sunday Supplement is anything to go by. He now needs to go in for the kill.

Jamie Jackson: Claudio Bravo. Pep Guardiola maybe blew Manchester Citys hopes of triumphing anything in his first season when bombarding out Joe Hart and compensating 14.5 m for the Chilean on 25 August. Bravo in a word? Hapless.

Andy Hunter: Claudio Bravo. There were more expensive mistakes than the Manchester City goalkeeper Tottenhams 30 m outlay on Moussa Sissoko for example but his recruitment was fundamental to how Pep Guardiola saw his first season in the Premier League and only serve to erode it. That is not to say it was a mistake to oust Joe Hart, who has toiled at Torino, only that Bravo was the incorrect select.

Louise Taylor: Moussa Sissoko, Tottenham Hotspur. Rafael Bentez is rightly proud of influencing Spurs to part with 30 m for a midfielder who played a big part in Newcastle Uniteds relegation last year and whose Euro 2016 cameos for France flattered to cheat. Surely when HMRC lately attacked St James Park, club faculty joked about whether they were investigating the stealing of 30m from Spurs.

Stuart James: A few in the combination here Borja Bastn at Swansea, Jordon Ibe at Bournemouth and Ahmed Musa at Leicester all spring to mind. But Claudio Bravo, Manchester Citys 17 m goalkeeper, is surely the standout campaigner. What were you thinking of, Pep?

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Premier League 2016 -1 7 season evaluate: our scribes’ most effective and worst

Our columnists take stock after the Premier League season, reputation their best actor, finest purpose, most witty parallel, biggest objection and much more

Best actor

Daniel Taylor : NGolo Kant. If he can deter Cesc Fbregas out of the Chelsea team, he must be some player.

Barney Ronay: Friendly midfield interceptors are the fad, but Harry Kane has been the outstanding single actor: top scorer, team man and with just enough comic-book star quality.

Dominic Fifield : Eden Hazard, liberated by Antonio Contes switching in organization, plied the cut and thrust which stimulated Chelsea to their title success. Given his toils last-place season as he contended with a hip objection, his resurgence was eye-catching. Paul Wilson : It possibly doesnt trouble which Chelsea candidate gets the vote, so in the interests of sharing thoughts around I am going to go for Csar Azpilicueta. He seems to be able to play in any standing across the back course and his consistency and persistence are unaffected. Amy Lawrence : If you could bottle the minds of the Kant and grocery it to football clubs it would be a bestseller. He has an ability to manufacture others around him better, to make a game plan quicker. The space he carried his Leicester excellence so easily to Chelsea, to be transformative instantly, deserves all the plaudits. Barry Glendenning : Jordan Pickford. Only in Sunderlands first team because David Moyes was unable to entice Joe Hart on lend to Wearside, the 23 -year-old gathered off the impressive achievement of seeing himself one of the most sought-after young goalkeepers in Europe despite invited to participate in the Premier Leagues worst unit. Although hes prone to the increasingly rare error, its difficult to collect openings in different aspects of Pickfords overall competition and its no exaggeration to say that without him, Sunderland might well have been demoted before the sighting of this springs first swallow. David Hytner : Eden Hazard. Back to his very best. His ability to realise certain differences when it matters the most celebrates him out. Scott Murray : Diego Costa saved Chelsea going throughout the autumnal odyssey that effectively decided the league, all the while staying in persona as pantomime provocateur. Homeric. Well miss his entertaining attendance when hes get.

Jamie Jackson: Dele Alli. Seventeen Premier League purposes at 175 times per impres for a No10 is top class. At 21, a actor with that margin all society players own has to get better.

Andy Hunter: Eden Hazard. The champions were not simply a very defensive crew, as a former administrator demeanour sour grapes hinted. They were also the most devastating and smart crew in the final third thanks primarily to the Belgium internationals return to form.

Chelseas Eden Hazard has been back to his best this season. Image: Darren Walsh/ Chelsea FC via Getty Images

Louise Taylor: Sam Clucas, Hull City; runner up, David Luiz, Chelsea. There are other, far more obvious, candidates but placed in the purposes of the Clucass achievement in ascending five echoes of the league ladder in succeeding seasons it has to be the left-footed midfielder. Impressive since being shifted from a wide persona to center midfield this expression, the intelligence of Clucass transferring assumes the specific characteristics of Glenn Hoddle, who persuaded him not to give up video games before honing his knowledge at his football establishment in Spain. David Luiz, meanwhile, is lovely to watch and his re-invention in Antonio Contes back three has thoroughly mystified the doubters.

Stuart James: Gylfi Sigurdsson. Directly involved in 22 of Swansea Citys 43 destinations. For a participate to constantly create and tally so many destinations in a crew that wasted nearly the entire season engaging relegation is quite something.

Jacob Steinberg : After last seasons sabbatical, Eden Hazard rediscovered his mojo in stimulating style and discovered the uniformity to go with his outrageous endowment. NGolo Kant was a deserving recipient of the PFA and FWA awards, but Hazard was Chelseas match-winner on so many occasions.

Paul Doyle: Kasper Schmeichel. While the rest of last-place seasons champions lost their style, the goalkeeper was the only Leicester player to improve. Yes, there was that 6-1 demolish by Spurs but, taking a broader deem, Schmeichel was an example to us all in these disturbed times.

Simon Burnton : The bright, hard-working, humble and likeable NGolo Kant deserves all the player-of-the-season honors currently cluttering his mantelpiece. Ed Aarons : NGolo Kant deserves his awards for triumphing two seconds successive Premier League title, but Christian Eriksens return to form coincided with Tottenhams emergence as Chelseas simply sincere challengers. Even 13 facilitates and eight Premier League objectives do not explain the importance of the Denmark international to Mauricio Pochettino. Csar Azpilicueta likewise deserves a mention.

Sachin Nakrani : Gylfi Sigurdsson. The Iceland international instantly contributed to almost half of Swanseas Premier League destinations and, very simply, without him they would have been relegated, accepting all the fallout that comes with that, which, it should be remembered, includes people losing their jobs.

Best administrator

Daniel Taylor : Antonio Conte. Even Jos Mourinho has stopped temporarily, at the least trying to subvert him. How, maybe, can anyone question what he has done to get Chelsea back on top?

Barney Ronay: Antonio Conte. Hurled together on the hoof a wonderfully well-grooved endorse unit, eased John Terry out of the picture without the slightest friction and on equal days remains the most ridiculously stimulated being about anything ever.

Dominic Fifield : Antonio Conte. In a tournament crammed with upper-class directors, he accommodated best to the peculiarities of the Premier League and dissolved up putting all the other big names to shame.

Paul Wilson : It was going to be Marco Silva until a few weeks ago, but now Hull are back in the real world after a brief visit to dreamland there seems no object in ogling past the obvious. Antonio Conte could hardly have hoped for a better first season in England. In terms of affect, it announces it all that he can now parallel Carlo Ancelottis double as well as Jos Mourinhos Premier League chronicle of prevails in a season.

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Antonio Conte: Chelsea’s brand-new Special One? video

Amy Lawrence : Conte. From the very first tournament of the Premier League safarus when he celebrated a late win over West Ham with that zealous touchline infatuation, he has managed almost every situation with government, class and style. In tactical modifications and soldier handling, bringing the best out of characters as different as David Luiz, Diego Costa, Victor Moses and Pedro, he just missed a beat. Barry Glendenning : Antonio Conte. Charming and handsome, with the touchline behaviour of a human who has just had a large handful of crimson ants declined down the trousers of his expensive designer dres, the issue is little to dislike about Chelseas manager. His was changed to a back three in the aftermath of defeat at Arsenal has been applauded in some quarters as the greatest managerial masterstroke in its own history of football and while that may be be over-egging the dessert rather, the manner in which he steered his team to the name with a minimum of fuss in a season when one or more of Messrs Klopp, Mourinho and Guardiola were expected to have his quantity was no aim feat. David Hytner : Antonio Conte. It has been another tremendously impressive season for Mauricio Pochettino but Contes has been better. Took over a Chelsea squad with both problems and, in what has been his first season outside of Italy, moulded them into champions. Scott Murray : Heres a respectful gesture to Arsne Wenger, who in addition to yet another high league set and yet another cup final, somehow insisted super-human levels of glory despite intense provocation from an entitled minority. An remarkable feat. His will be much the very best examine when this history is told 20 times from now.

Jamie Jackson: Antonio Conte. He coached the volatile Costa to 20 tournament points and may prevail the classic English double in his debut season.

Andy Hunter: Conte is the stand-out alternative , not only for winning the Premier League title in his first season in English football but for how he responded to potential disasters notably the 3-0 defeat at Arsenal and Januarys stand-off with Costa.

Louise Taylor: Sean Dyche, Burnley. Antonio Conte clearly has a strong speciman while, despite narrowly failing to keep Hull up, Marco Silva altered irrigate into wine-colored in eastern Yorkshire. Then theres Mauricio Pochettino, whose Tottenham team play marvelous football on about one half the collective wage statute of other top six backs, but deterring Burnley in the Premier League is a significant achievement. Committed the same relatively limited resources as Dyche, would Jos Mourinho or Pep Guardiola have done anything like as well?

Sean Dyches Burnley have never genuinely been threatened with relegation this season so good has their residence chassis been. Photograph: Lee Smith/ Reuters

Stuart James: Antonio Conte. Enormously impressive to acquire the name in his first season in English football tactically astute, full of infatuation for the game and get the impression that every player, even those not regularly in his starting XI, buys into his work.

Jacob Steinberg : A nod to Sean Dyche for preserving Burnley away from the relegation scrap, but it has to be Conte, who outperformed his rivals by revitalizing a misfiring, uneven crew with the dominance of his motivational tones, tactical acumen and virulent will to win.

Paul Doyle: Sean Dyche. Burnley never looked like going down, which is remarkable.

Simon Burnton : Great as Tottenham was again been under Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Contes affect at Chelsea has been greater. Ed Aarons : Antonio Conte. The Italian simply arrived at Stamford Bridge a month before Chelseas first play of the season but has emerged as a entitlement winner in his first season in English football. The was changed to 3-4-3 has defined Contes success but the former Juventus midfielder has also pictured his man-management knowledge in dealing with Diego Costas regular tantrums. Sachin Nakrani : Antonio Conte. Triumphing the claim in your first season in England is a superb achievement, especially where reference is involves reinvigorating a squad that had been in turmoil during the previous campaign.

Best point

Daniel Taylor : Olivier Girouds scorpion kick for Arsenal against Crystal Palace. Barney Ronay : Girouds passing scorpion attack, a lovely move and a ludicrous finish, made all the more implausible given the fact he seems to stop mid-scorpion to winch his leg up a bit higher, like a exceedingly potent male trying to writhed his route over a garden fence. Dominic Fifield : Eden Hazard against Arsenal, sprinting away from Laurent Koscielny and holding off Francis Coquelins attempts to returning him down, then finishing before Shkodran Mustafi could block. Paul Wilson : Sam Allardyce will have been more concerned about some unconvincing Crystal Palace defending, but Andy Carrolls overhead kicking against Crystal Palace takes some vanquish for wow point. Not a crew point, perhaps, but Carroll placed a lot of himself into it.

Amy Lawrence : The Emre Can/ Giroud/ Henrikh Mkhitaryan showpieces lead the way for individualism, but there was something that struck a chord about Willians goal for Chelsea at Everton in video games that detected so influential for the claim. What a fine team objective. The excellence of Cesc Fbregass control and pass for Willian summed up the brio Chelsea rediscovered this season. That was the moment they find undeniably like champions again.

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How the 2016 -1 7 Premier League title was won by Chelsea video

Barry Glendenning : Gastn Ramrez. Maybe not the best, but almost certainly the only happening of interest any Middlesbrough footballer did all season Ramrezs fine solo exertion transported goal-shy Boro on their space to their first dwelling winning. Picking up the ball inside his own half and encouraged by the strange dislike of anyone in a Bournemouth shirt to shut him down, the Uruguayan started on a 70 -yard run down the inside left that climaxed with him unexpectedly cutting inside and slotting dwelling. Buoyed by this rare moment of quality and brainchild, Middlesbrough went on to acquire three more Premier League competitors, while their increasingly unpopular summer signing would go on to tallied simply one more goal as his surface sank below the depths. David Hytner : Andy Carroll v Crystal Palace. Nothing has the ability to raising mouth to the storey more rapidly than the pulsate scissor kick. Specially when it is executed by a big man. Scott Murray : Olivier Giroud against Palace. A finish so nonsensical its easy to forget the six-player pitch-long romp that predated it, embellished by a centre-circle back-flick from Giroud himself. English footballs most eye-catching sweep forward since Terry McDermott scored against Spurs in 1978.

Jamie Jackson: Henrikh Mkhitaryans scorpion kick versus Sunderland on Boxing Day. Zlatan Ibrahimovic pings a cross over from the right and the Armenian lets extend a hovering back-heeled barrage. Delicious.

Andy Hunter: Dimitri Payet, West Ham United v Middlesbrough. Other points carried more heavines in the purposes of the the season Emre Can against Watford and Eden Hazards v Arsenal being the most notable patterns but based purely on its merits this fleeting reminder of the quality the France international could bring to the Premier League “havent had” equates.

Louise Taylor: Robert Snodgrass v Leicester City. The win in a 2-1 sicken opening-day victory against the defending champs for Mike Phelans side. When Wes Morgan could only half-clear Ahmed Elmohamadys wicked cross, the ball fell to Snodgrass whose first-time, left hoofed, half-volley arrowed into the bottom angle.

Stuart James: Emre Cans bicycle knock against Watford must take some thumping. In fairness, Olivier Girouds scorpion kick against Palace is also worthy of a mention.

Emre Can makes wing with a sumptuous overhead knock against Watford. Photograph: John Walton/ PA

Jacob Steinberg : Gaston Ramrezs slaloming 70 -yard run against Bournemouth ended with a clever stunt and a cool finish. Sure, Andy Carroll, Olivier Giroud and Henrikh Mkhitaryan all took the breather away with those scorpion kickings and bicycle detonations. But in an otherwise grisly season for Middlesbrough, the fact Ramrezs solo effort was a uncommon instant of hullabaloo attains it all the more precious. Simon Burnton : Olivier Girouds New Years Day scorpion kick wasnt even Januarys goal of the month, and there are a few competitive barrages that compare with it, but to my recollection it is the best of the cluster. It has grown on the scorer as much as it has grown on me: after the game he said he was a bit lucky. It was the only event I could do. I tried to thumped it with a backheel and after it was all about fluke, but by March he was saying: I dont wishes to big myself up but objectives like mine leave a mark on history. Andy Carrolls[ overhead kicking] is splendid, but perhaps people wont recalls that it in two years experience. Mine, yes.

Paul Doyle: Wayne Rooney against Stoke. It was a hell of a way to grasp a late equaliser, prepared a wonderful chronicle and persuade Jos Mourinho he could finally jilt an over-the-hill hero.

Ed Aarons : In a season of spectacular volleys, Emre Can saved the best for last-place. His brilliant overhead kick against Watford left good-for-nothing to fortune, unlike Olivier Giroud or Henrikh Mkhitaryans scorpion kicks. Sachin Nakrani : Olivier Giroud v Crystal Palace. In a season of notable scorpion/ overhead knocks, this one borders it because of the slick counter-attack that preceded it and which Giroud was involved in as well as the stature at which boot converged dance prior to it looping into the net.

Best competitor

Daniel Taylor : At health risks of clanging like a sadnes, its not easy to think of a stand-out match this season. Nothing left home as agitated as, tell, examining Monaco in the Champions League. Barney Ronay : Swansea 5-4 Crystal Palace. Messy, wild and frantic at times, but this is basically what the Premier League is for. Dominic Fifield : Bournemouths madcap 4-3 win over Liverpool was entertaining, but Crystal Palaces acquire at Chelsea in April encapsulated everything about the baffling sort of the Premier League at times. Chelsea were exquisite going forward, playing wonderfully incisive and inventive football. Palace defended ruggedly and, somehow, maintained them out. Paul Wilson : The one that remains in the mind is Manchester City 1-3 Chelsea. An eventful and entertaining tournament, with some dead-eyed finishing by Chelsea to leave Pep Guardiola murmuring about Kevin de Bruynes miss for the rest of the season. A substantial title needle at the Etihad too, for the second consecutive season following Leicesters statement win in February. Amy Lawrence : Swansea 5-4 Crystal Palace. Lovely, incredible, beautiful, panic-struck madness. The excellent of the Bob Bradley experience. Alan Pardew trying to put on a brave appearance. First on Match of the Day for an unanticipated activity. Whats not to like?

Barry Glendenning: Bournemouth 4-3 Liverpool. They dont get much more entertainingthan this white-knuckle rideat the Vitality Stadium.

Leroy Fer scores during Swanseas rollercoaster 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. Photo: Christopher Lee/ Getty Images

David Hytner : Swansea v Crystal Palace. Never knowledge the defending at both ends, this was a classic, loaded with drama, and the situations after Fernando Llorentes stoppage-time win seemed to shake the Liberty Stadium. Both of the managers, Bob Bradley and Alan Pardew, were sacked within a few months or so. Scott Murray : Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool. It certainly wouldnt have taken often for this activity to have ended 5-0, 0-5 or 5-5. One of those.

Jamie Jackson: Burnleys emphatic win over Liverpool at Turf Moor on the seasons second weekend perforated a opening in the designation conceits of Jrgen Klopps team and proposed Sean Dyches humanities would live. Those auguries were demonstrated correct.

Andy Hunter: Everton 4-0 Manchester City. Selecting from Premier League coincides attended, this raucous afternoon at Goodison Park stands out for many reasons. In Ronald Koemans attentions it was really perfect and a total crew rendition from Everton. It justified the emergence of Tom Davies, who scored his first destination for the society with an exquisite chipping over Claudio Bravo at the Gwladys Street end, and delivered a introduction aim for Ademola Lookman with one of the adolescents first touchings in the Premier League. For Pep Guardiola, nonetheless, it stressed the defensive and mental fragilities at Manchester City, represented the heaviest league win of his managerial profession and left him surrendering the title was beyond his crew for this season.

Louise Taylor: If this signifies watched live, its a difficult one to explanation. As north-east correspondent Ive surely determined a few campaigners for worst competition at Sunderland and Middlesbrough and the very best ones I covered invariably committed Newcastle United in the Championship. One top-tier play does stick in the recollection though; Hull 3-3 Crystal Palace in December. A six-goal thriller peculiarity a bright, mesmerising execution from Palaces Wilfried Zaha.

Stuart James: Swansea City 5-4 Crystal Palace. A nine-goal thriller that was 1-1 with 25 minutes remaining then all inferno let loose. Bob Bradley and Alan Pardew, the respective directors, went through every passion travelling and, in truth, it wasnt actually surprising that neither guy lasted much longer in the number of jobs. For what its worth, the reporters at video games were also in a appalling commonwealth saw the end.

Jacob Steinberg : Crystal Palace 0-4 Sunderland. Sunderland were so surprised about tallying four goals in a single half that they didnt win another tournament until they were already demoted. In their excuse, Ive only just recovered from the disturbance as well. Simon Burnton : Liverpools 4-3 win at the Emirates on the seasons opening weekend was everything you could question it to be and more. Superb attacking, nice goals from open play, a splendid free kick, brilliant person skill, embarrassing manager-hugging celebrations, sunshine, it had the spate. The only possible reaction was yes satisfy, Ill have nine months more of that. Which, sadly, neither unit could deliver.

Paul Doyle: Leicester 4-2 Manchester City. Thrilling and now and then brilliant, but likewise strange, outrageous and laughter. A snapshot of this seasons Premier League.

Ed Aarons : Swansea 5-4 Palace. Resulting 4-3 with the game past the 90 -minute mark, Alan Pardew must have felt pretty good. His team had just duelled back from 3-1 down with simply 15 minutes remaining to lead, simply to surrender the points to Fernando Llorentes double in injury time. Sachin Nakrani : Manchester City 1-1 Liverpool. A high-octane, end-to-end, relentlessly-thrilling encounter exclusively let down by poverty-stricken terminate. A mention, extremely, for Swanseas 5-4 succes over Crystal Palace. A madcap encounter that witnessed two aims in strike occasion and Alan Pardew horror the worst.

Best referee

Daniel Taylor : Keith Hackett. I understand his analysis of the present crop and wonder that he must never have made a mistake in his life. Barney Ronay : Clatts. Will be missed, in part for his unintentional humor, when he buds for Sauds. Dominic Fifield : Probably Martin Atkinson or Michael Oliver. Paul Wilson : No idea. They all gaze the same to me. Gives suppose Martin Atkinson. Amy Lawrence : Michael Oliver doesnt seem to want to be the virtuoso as much as some. He gives the impression of wanting best available game possible.

Barry Glendenning : Mike Dean. His no-lookyellow card to Ross Barkley in the Merseyside derby at Goodison Park was a act of beauty.

Referee Mike Deans no-look yellowed card given to Ross Barkley was a happen of grace. Picture: Jason Cairnduff/ Reuters

David Hytner : I dont have strong impressions on the two categories this season. Id still pronounce Mark Clattenburg is the best. Scott Murray : Refs are lightning rods for impotent exasperation, raging paranoia and myopic storm. Objective kudo doesnt come into it, its not what theyre there for.

Jamie Jackson: The video official what a fearless innovation. What? They still do not prevail despite everybody else having access to ad nauseam replays?

Andy Hunter: Any nomination will incur the displeasure of at least one club though Anthony Taylor continues to improve so in the rights and interests of unison makes just say its not Jon Moss.

Louise Taylor: Probably Mark Clattenburg( despite missing the latter part of the season following move to Saudi Arabia .)

Stuart James: Not much to get excited about here. Martin Atkinson, Mark Clattenburg( yes, I realise hes now become) and Michael Oliver would be in the top three. Oliver, on a good day, gets the nod.

Jacob Steinberg : Michael Oliver goes my referendum, capped by penalizing Manchester Uniteds cynic rotational fouling on Hazard in the FA Cup. Simon Burnton : Mark Clattenburg. He sometimes looks like he thinks hes best available adjudicator in the estate, which is unappealing, but that doesnt manufacture him wrong.

Paul Doyle: Mike Dean. The only one aimed at ensuring respect for the shirt-tugging directive with something close to consistency. And technology will never have foibles as entertaining as his.

Ed Aarons : Mark Clattenburg and Martin Atkinson usually get the biggest gigs from Uefa and Fifa, but Michael Oliver remains the outstanding referee in the country. Still simply 32, the Ashington official has been in charge of more matches( 31) than anyone and issued only two red posters. Sachin Nakrani : Unlike 99% of people who watch football in this country, I dont have a strong panorama on adjudicators. They all seem approximately the same and their corrects, while occasionally astounding, never seduce me into reaching for a pitchfork.

Best signing

Daniel Taylor : Mamadou Sakho. Beings giggled when a January loan signing was nominated for Crystal Palaces actor of the season gift. But without him Palace would be down. Barney Ronay : Leroy San. What a nice mover, what a calm thought, what a nice young man. Seems to have no real limit to how good he could be. Dominic Fifield : NGolo Kant was key to Leicester Citys startling success in 2016, and just as influential to that of Chelsea in 2017. A blur of energy and interceptions, and at the heart of everything Chelsea have achieved. Paul Wilson : Where would Manchester United be without Zlatan Ibrahimovics contribution? Just the best appraise signal, and not exactly one for the future either, but until injury struck he did what he had been brought in to do. Amy Lawrence : Hard to argue with Kant for overall impact. Honest mentions to Mamadou Sakho who made a big difference to Crystal Palaces situation, and Gabriel Jesus for being a great contract who examines bound to glisten more for Manchester City in future. Barry Glendenning : NGolo Kant. David Hytner : David Luiz. Has shown that underneath the mad “hairs-breadth” lies an smart reader of the game. Has exceeded in the middle of a back three. Long passing stands beautiful to watch. Scott Murray : Gabriel Jesus, a score-any-sort genius destined to rattle in an illogical number of purposes. Had he not picked up that injury in February, Manchester City would have given Chelsea a race.

Jamie Jackson: Eric Bailly. Manchester United seem to have filled the Nemanja Vidic-sized gap created by his 2014 deviation. Costing 30 m from Villarreal, the Ivorian is a tough, reigning 23 -year-old who can be a fixture for a decade.

Andy Hunter: Paul Clement. Swansea City were foot and searching certain for relegation when they appointed their third director of awareness-raising campaigns in January. Astute contracts such as Tom Carroll and persuading a force to buy into yet another managerial tone facilitated the former Bayern Munich assistant to have an impact that they are able chassis a clubs short-term future.

Louise Taylor: Eric Bailly for Manchester United. At 30 m he wasnt cheaps but goodness knows how far United and Mourinho might have dropped without Baillys central defensive excellence.

Mamadou Sakho stops Alxis Snchez in his trails. The defender changed Crystal Palace after his loan be removed from Liverpool. Photograph: Matthew Childs/ Reuters

Stuart James: NGolo Kant would have to be up there, though it was a rather obvious piece of business on Chelseas part, having regard to the Frenchmans blow at Leicester the season before. With that in imagination, and taking it account the size of the cost, Ill go for Victor Wanyama, Tottenhams 11 m draft from Southampton.

Jacob Steinberg : On the basis that signal Kant was a no-brainer after last-place seasons exploits, one has to admire Chelsea for acquiring the restore of David Luiz a success. Its easy to forget that there were spate of doubts concerning the Brazilian when he signed on deadline daylight. Simon Burnton : Crystal Palace triumphed six of the 30 plays they played without Mamadou Sakho in their line-up this season, but five of the eight in which the Liverpool loanee showed, hindering five clean sheets in the process( counting their 1-0 defeat at Spurs, in which he was forced off after 57 goalless times and they confessed in the 78 th ). No other signing was so transformational. Paul Doyle : Mamadou Sakho. Liverpool outcast, Crystal Palace saviour. Ed Aarons : Hard discussing this with NGolo Kant for 30 m, who transposed from one blue-blooded title-winning shirt to another with minimum of fuss. Victor Wanyama, 11 m from Southampton, has had almost the same effect for Tottenham, albeit for a third of the price. Sachin Nakrani : Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I was among the people who thought the 35 -year-old, while undeniably talented, would strive in England. Instead “hes having” gone on to become one of best available free carries-over in Premier League history.

Worst flop

Daniel Taylor : Pep Guardiola. Maybe our beliefs were too high but, after all that waiting, it has been a real regret. Claudio Bravo find a close second, which are likely exemplifies the point. Barney Ronay : Claudio Bravo of course, the first goalkeeper Ive ever seen receive an sardonic round of applause from his own love for making a save.

Dominic Fifield : Moussa Sissoko has barely pulled up any trees since becoming Tottenham Hotspurs record signing, which has not start just as much of a surprise to those who watched him regularly at Newcastle United.

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Paul Wilson : The male who was tired of London. Dimitri Payet was a big letdown at West Ham United. The clubs 2015 -1 6 player of the year and brainchild for a stadium mural at least ought to have been able to manage a full season before leaving. Amy Lawrence : Jointly awarded to Manchester United and Arsenal, neither of whom were able to organize a serious challenge for the Premier League title despite banking heavily last summertime to apparently boost their push.

Barry Glendenning: Pep Guardiola. Assignment with his most difficult job in managing thus far, even by his own admittance the Manchester City director has come up woefully short.

David Hytner : Simone Zaza. His incongruous retribution at the Euros for Italy was simply the prelude. Saw his loan charm at West Ham United break short after 11 matches and no goals because, had he played a bit more, the squad would have had to buy him outright. Moved to Valencia in January. Scott Murray : Pep Guardiola arrived in England with a big honour … for being super-surly in news conference. His splendid derision for daft topics has at times glint through this was simply magnificent but has still not been with Fergie or Louis van Gaal levels of consistency. Hes got the press corps sounded, though, if the repeated heighten of the subject on the Sunday Supplement is anything to go by. He now needs to go in for the kill.

Jamie Jackson: Claudio Bravo. Pep Guardiola possibly blew Manchester Citys hopes of acquiring anything in his first season when bombing out Joe Hart and 14.5 m for the Chilean on 25 August. Bravo in a word? Hapless.

Andy Hunter: Claudio Bravo. There were more expensive blunders than the Manchester City goalkeeper Tottenhams 30 m outlay on Moussa Sissoko for example but his recruitment was fundamental to how Pep Guardiola envisaged his first season in the Premier League and served only to undercut it. That is not to say it was a mistake to replace Joe Hart, who has toiled at Torino, simply that Bravo was the incorrect choice.

Louise Taylor: Moussa Sissoko, Tottenham Hotspur. Rafael Bentez is rightly proud of influencing Spurs to part with 30 m for a midfielder who played a big its participation in Newcastle Uniteds relegation last year and whose Euro 2016 cameos for France flattered to entrap. Certainly when HMRC lately attacked St James Park, club personnel joked about whether they were investigating the crime of 30m from Spurs.

Stuart James: A few in the concoction here Borja Bastn at Swansea, Jordon Ibe at Bournemouth and Ahmed Musa at Leicester all spring to mind. But Claudio Bravo, Manchester Citys 17 m goalkeeper, is surely the standout nominee. What were you thinking of, Pep?

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