#i love edmund and lucy parallels so fucking much

[tending-the-hearth]

oh my god jadis calling edmund “dear one” during their first meeting and that being aslan’s term of endearment for lucy i’m going insane

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Have you noticed the thing in fanfics of children's lit where the writer gives the protagonist new parent figures? The parent figures say things like "no child should have had to do x!". PF's don't prevent protagonist from doing heroism but might ground them for it after. Under their care, the protagonist is likely to get a job, often at the business of the PF. Seems less common for the Animorph (more in ATLA and Harry Potter), but if you have seen this, what's going on? Why do writers do this?

Why do writers do this?

Welcome to the fandom renaissance, Nonny!  My best stab as to what’s going on here is that we’re seeing fewer and fewer shipping wars due to a whole range of forces from “the average age of fandom is increasing” to “there’s an ongoing post-monogamy societal shift.”   BUT that there’s still a desire to see relationship-building fic go in the gaps where (for instance) Pro-Jacob Anti-Edward fic used to go.  So instead of writing about Edward and Bella’s romance, people are writing about Edward and Carlisle’s mentorship, or Leah and Rosalie’s friendship.

What’s going on?

Again, a stab in the dark: it’s a really fun story premise, one that can get away from the way ships are sometimes fraught with baggage.  Found Family is intensely cathartic, in the sense that it takes characters who are miserable and/or lonely in canon and allows them to build loving relationships with each other.  It also (IMHO) reflects that trend among Millennial Whippersnappers to move away from nuclear definitions of “family” and toward embracing everything from polyamory to sexless romance to adult adoption.

Not only that, but it’s awesome in that it lets writers play so much with foils.  Stranger Things obviously does this Up to Eleven (pun intended): Steve’s an arrogant jerk when he’s interacting with Nancy but a dorky sweetheart around Dustin, Hopper’s at his worst around Joyce but at his best around El, Billy’s evil to Max but might be redeemable around his mom, etcetera.  This premise gives fan writers the chance to get wildly different characters into a room together — what if the Tonks family adopted Neville Longbottom? — and start playing out the fun potential.

Why Avatar and Harry Potter (but not Animorphs)?

In a word: FOILS.  Both AtLA and Harry Potter are series filled with good, bad, and ugly mentors, and both series have contrasts between the good and the bad.  For AtLA, it’s no accident that Zuko finally reuniting with his father in S3E1 is intercut with the scene of Katara finally reuniting with her father.  Katara’s fam airs their grievances, talks things out, yells, cries, apologizes, forgives, hugs, and affirms their ongoing love.  Zuko’s fam deals with having 500 times as much baggage by... Zuko kowtowing silently on the floor while Ozai talks about everything but their problems with each other.  After that sequence, the desire to get Zuko into a room with Hakoda for some proper fathering is practically overwhelming, and many brilliant fan writers have obliged us by doing exactly that.

For Harry Potter, there’s no scene that’s as in-your-face with the contrast between healthy vs. unhealthy disagreement with one’s father, but there are still plenty of mentor foils.  Sirius and Petunia are probably the clearest examples.  Sirius is a raging mess who (on the surface) has nothing to offer Harry: he’s an ex-con with a drinking problem and untreated mental health issues who spends much of the series homeless.  Petunia has her shit together and (on the surface) is the perfect guardian for Harry: she’s a wealthy full-time parent who lives in a large suburban house, and is both his closest surviving relative and his legal guardian.  But of course all Harry needs from a parent is love and support, and Sirius offers that in spades while Petunia has none to spare.  Again, the desire to rip Harry away from the Dursleys and ship him off to go be a Black is overwhelming, and many beautiful works of fan fiction have done exactly that.

Animorphs... doesn’t have mentor characters.  Like, none.  Elfangor dies, Toby does her own thing, Erek can’t be trusted, neither Ax nor Jake wants to mentor, and all adults are possible controllers.  Eva’s the closest we get, but by the time she’s free, everyone (especially Eva) recognizes that the Animorphs are already more experienced than her.  We don’t even see a dynamic like the Teen Titans show where the villains mentor the heroes — Jake and Marco might occasionally parallel Visser Three and Visser One, but they don’t learn from the vissers the way that Robin does from Slade or Raven does from Trigon.  The kids just... find their own way.  So while people have written fic where Elfangor or Eva or Mertil or Tom mentors the team, there’s not this in-your-face missed opportunity for the kids to get the parenting they deserve in Animorphs the way there is with Harry Potter and Avatar.

Have you noticed the thing?

Personally, I love this trend.  I’m not much of a shipper — I’m not fond of “will they or won’t they” romantic premises, and actively dislike “they will because they’re soulmates” premises.  My favorite Ship Dynamics are all platonic.  Like, my faves include (but are not limited to):

Grubby Semi-Feral Mentee and Aloof Socially-Incompetent Mentor Bond with Alarming Speed Over Niche Magical Interest (see: Briar and Rosethorn in Circle of Magic, Boy 412 and Marcia in Septimus Heap, Jason and Bruce in Batman, Wart and Merlin in The Once and Future King)

Well-Intentioned Loving Parent Irretrievably Fucks Up Child, Copes with Fallout (see: John and Dean in Supernatural, Adam and Cal in East of Eden, Soichiro and Light in Death Note, Elaine and T.J. in Political Animals)

I’ve Only Known This Person With Extremely Specific Shared Trauma for 10 Minutes But If Anything Happened to Them I Would Kill Everyone (see: Toph and Zuko in AtLA, Luke and Annabeth in Demigod Diaries, Ax and Tobias in Animorphs, Spike and Angel in Angel, Parker and Eliot in Leverage, Johanna and Finnick in Catching Fire)

Saving the World Sucks But At Least My Ultra-Competent Siblings Are Suffering With Me (see: Edmund and Lucy in Chronicles of Narnia, Sam and Dean in Supernatural, the Hargreeveses in Umbrella Academy, the Crains in Haunting of Hill House)

Just Because I Tried to Kill You That One Time Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Help You Hide a Body, JFC We’re Still Family and I Don’t Know What You Take Me For (see: the Robins in Batman, Septimus and Simon in Septimus Heap, Kyle and Ian in The Host)

We Were the Weird Cousins At All the Family Reunions and We’ve Only Gotten Weirder Since (see: Kate and George in Story Time, Jake and Rachel in Animorphs, Po and Bitterblue in Graceling Realm)

[theycallmebaepsae]

Unpopular opinion:

I disagree with the parallel between the Pevensies and the Four Hogwarts' Houses. I have seen it so many times and I enjoyed this theory, but overall I disagree with it because I feel like it's very much based on the stereotypes that are put upon both the Hogwarts houses and the Pevensies siblings. First of all I strongly believe that Lucy should be a griffindor because she is the most brave and is very strong willed; despite being the youngest she always stands for herself and what she believes in even if that means going against powers so much bigger than her and doesn't hesitate to call her siblings on their bullshit. On the other hand I believe that Peter would be a perfect fit for Hufflepuff: he is kind and always ready to give comfort and protection to his siblings and would straight up die for them. He also has a very strong sense of duty and responsibility and fights fiercely for his loved ones. Edmund is a ravenclaw in my opinion: he shows in many occasions that he is incredibly smart and witty, and he is also very kind in his own way. I'm tired of people putting him in Slytherin because he did one mistake when he was a fucking CHILD. l also can't stand that so many associate slytherins with being bad/making mistakes. Please end this stereotype, it's getting annoying. Finally, Susan would be in slytherin; like Edmund she is very smart but she prefers the more academic approach and is definitely the most ambitious. This does not stop her from being a very nurturing figure who loves her family. She knew what she wanted from life and went for it and I respect that very much.

Sorting Peter in griffindor just because he is strong and the oldest, Lucy in hufflepuff because she is little and cute, Edmund in Slytherin because he made a mistake and Susan in Ravenclaw because she likes to read is just plain superficial. I have nothing against the mainstream theory, but I am against people who just slap them in those houses because they are focused only on the stereotypes.

You are free to agree or disagree, I just wanted to take this off my chest, have a nice day.

[little-narnian-notes]

Headcanons on tea time or just meals in general in Narnia during the golden age?

during tea time, there would be so many cream cheese and cucumber sandwiches

there would be little pastries for dessert. while pastries are a dessert these ones would be p healthy

it would last for three hours (1-4 pm) every day

this is the only time the Pevensies ever get to relax when they’re Kings and Queens!!!

Sometimes Mr. Tumnus and the Beavers would join them

But usually the only guest is Oreius 

The Pevensies would be having tea time in a secluded part of their elaborate garden (okay so maybe there wasn’t a garden-maze kinda thing in Cair Paravel… fight me on this I buy into this headcannon part 100%)

There would be comfortable chairs and pillows for the siblings to sit on

Lucy would put too much sugar into her tea

Edmund would eat half the sandwiches and a fourth of the pastries

Susan drinks green tea, Lucy drinks peppermint, Peter and Edmund drink black tea

They talk about how much their parents would have loved the cushy tea times they have in Narnia. What must or may be going on in England. do people miss them? is obvious the four siblings are missing? Does no one know?

They discuss time theories together sometimes when they talk about that. Lucy thinks they fell into an alternate universe and Edmund agrees with her. Peter thinks it’s a parallel one and Susan agrees with him.

sometimes Susan wants to plan masquerade balls or little dinners… she pretends they’re filthy rich and can just do whatever they want without having to worry about fucking up the economy in Narnia. She would get lots of clothes - she would only ever have to wear a dress one time. Susan would also have

these fantasies are very fun for the other three too!!

Peter would spend a ton of money on hounds and hawks and stuff. He’d want to spend a lot of time camping and hunting the White Stag

Edmund would spend his fortune on weapons and art. He’s really into being a good fighter - he doesn’t want to be second-best into comparison to Peter. He wants to be equal with his brother.

Lucy would buy books because she loves reading. She would also buy art supplies so she could draw or sculpt whenever she wanted

also!!! In public, the Pevensies wouldn’t say this, but in their actions they’d be following the whole mantra of “Haters are my motivators”

I think that they would definitely believe in doing that, because they’re legit not bad people. Also, when Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy reigned, it was called the Golden Age!!! They were good people.

But! I think that at times in the beginning they felt petty and spiteful because other diplomats and rulers wouldn’t take them seriously at first

Peter would just talk shit “Oh yeah! Tashka thinks I can’t do shit, but look at how well he handled the rebellion in Calormen a few months ago!”

Susan would berate the women who talked snidely about her “They think I’m not a good archer. As if! I’ve bested all the greatest archers here.”

Everybody underestimates Lucy because she’s Small but she’s actually terrifying. She’s basically the Arya Stark of Narnia and people learn p quickly not to fuck with her.

Edmund has to work three times as hard to prove he’s half as good as his siblings, since he did briefly join the side of the White Witch. It frustrates him to no end sometimes, and doubts his progress, and he hates it!! But he also gets why half the Narnians expect more from him

[benbarnesescape]

Shift in Seasons - Summer

Warnings: So much angst. Language. Broody Peter…

A/N – So….I love the Pevensie’s. I don’t know if this blog does a good job of sharing my love of all things Narnia so I’m mixing this chapter up a bit. If you’re not into it…I get it lol. But I really wanted to capture something different for this story…please don’t interrupt this as anti peter angst. Also, there are some references to God but only because of the parallel relationship and role it plays in the world of Narnia and I tried to capture that in this AU. If it makes you uncomfortable, maybe don’t read this.

Peter’s Perspective

May 22, 2017

Y/N,

I’ve been debating the best way to reach out to you. To talk to you. How many months has it been since we’ve had a conversation that isn’t a one sided? Where we use Susan, or Edmund or Lucy as buffers?

So I went and got a shrink. Yea – just like you suggested. I fucking hate that you were right.

But you know how I get when I’m stuck in my head.

I remember a long time ago that Caspian told me that he wrote you love letters for years after you broke up. That he wrote them to have some form of connection to you. And I guess….I guess perhaps I thought to do the same. To have some connection to you.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have a connection with you.

I want to be able to forgive you. I want to be able to forgive myself. I’ve been talking to my therapist about it. I want to be able to have some kind of relationship with you, if not for the sake of my sanity then for our daughter. I want to be able to be a good partner to you in raising her.

Our fight five days ago is what really got me thinking about this. Raya has never looked at me with such fear as she did when we argued last Thursday. I said hateful things. You said hateful things. Raya was crying – the neighbors called me after to make sure everything is okay. We can’t continue like this.

And the only way I know how to remedy this is to be honest I guess.

So here it is - my being honest.

I always knew you were never mine. I always knew that you belonged to him.

When you had walked into the courtyard of Cair Paravel High School, your hair blowing array in the early autumn wind, your eyes looking lost as you glanced from your schedule to the many old buildings, I knew that you were something special. You had gotten a rise out of all of us 11th grade boys, our eyes glued on you as we meekly searched for words to escape our normally busy and talkative mouth. It was probably because you were something new, this shiny new person from the big city who had a sense of confidence and allure that the girls from around town couldn’t have. We were all vying for your attention. It was probably why I didn’t notice that Caspian had silently been plotting, trying to figure out ways to connect with you. Figured he would try.

I didn’t think he’d win you over completely.

After you turned me down, I was sure you were one of those girls who weren’t into dating. When you asked me out to the museum, I thought it was your way of saying you were willing to put forth the effort in getting to know.

And then a week later, you were making out with Caspian at the park.

He never boasted about dating you. In fact, he was surprisingly private about your relationship. No matter how many times guys prodded. Prodded because they saw the way he changed when you walked into a room. The way his features softened as he adoringly looked at you, found opportunities to brag about you. The way he blushed after he walked into a space, clearly fresh from a make out session, and we all teased him. He had told me three months into your relationship, still new and living on the edge of the unknown, that he loved you. It had been after football practice and him, me and a few friends had ambled back into school with the hope of killing time before heading home. We had rounded a corner to be greeted by the ballet club and you. Only Caspian had known that you were a ballerina that you had been practicing it for years and we all were enthralled as we watched you move effortlessly in the space, your body twisting and bending in a way that mesmerized us. When you were done, Caspian had run to you enthusiastically lifting you in there before planting your body with kisses and you had giggled bashfully as he boasted of the brilliance of your performance.

When we left that night, a proud smile on his face as we walked in the winter’s cold, he had admitted how much he loved before you guys had broken up that he loved you. Had said it with such shocking confidence that it scared even me, to be filled with such a strong emotion. I was upset for the rest of the night, couldn’t put my finger on it until I was in bed, thinking back in bed and when the realization hit me I was overcome with sadness, tears rocking me to sleep.  

Even then I knew that Caspian was made to love you.

You, on the other hand, proudly boasted your relationship. Not in a way that was obnoxious – like all the girls did when they got boyfriends. You were silently boastful. You let it be known to any man who you were with. Wore his jacket wherever you went, his letters a fashionable accessory. If you had a hickie on your neck and someone asked about (Susan the most because her love for Caspian was an equal obsessive torment), you would giggle about how Caspian had been the perpetrator of the crime. Nothing more. You were always pretty PG about the intimacies of your relationship.

Then there was that spring our junior year when you wrote that poem in English class, the one that got even Mrs. Walters to tear up. Had gotten you national recognition – you remember that? I remember that I had been morose about you and Caspian – that this was more than a young high school crush – so I tuned the whole situation out of my mind. It was one drunken night when I was home alone that I finally looked it up online and read it. It was beautiful. It was filled with the affections of your love for him. I could remember the way you had sounded as you read it, standing in front of the class with the paper shaking as your eyes locked with his. The way the tears poured from your eyes as you exalted a breathless I love you. Caspian had been wrecked. Had proud, silent tears streaming down his face as you walked back to your seat. He had stood up and grabbed you to him, kissing you fiercely that even Mrs. Walters forgot that it was inappropriate.

Someone had snagged a photo, capturing the photo and memorializing it in our yearbook that year. The kicker of it is that it’s still a token photo for our alma mater.  

Caspian carried a copy of that love poem with him everywhere. He still does. Keeps a version of it in his wallet. I saw it once months ago and, while all of me wanted to be angry, couldn’t be.

That was the symbol of your love.

Do you understand how desperate I have always been for you, to see you in that light – and for you to always have belonged to someone else?

Do you understand?

June 16, 2017

It’s humid on the island.

The humidity is overwhelming, taking over all of my senses. Clouding my ability to think. And it’s only May.

Raya is on her back, our little treasure, looking up at the clouds as we wait for you to come and pick her up at the park. She’s restless. She misses you. Doesn’t like it when you’re gone too long. For how much she is daddy’s little girl – she adores her mother.

She can’t know what has happened between us but she does sense the difference. She cries more at night if she’s with me for more than three days. She doesn’t cry with you. She has fits if she isn’t able to talk to you. I know that is something she does with you, but it seems far less and in between.

I figured it’s because there’s someone else stepping in, replacing me. Even though you’ve been vocal and honest about your relationship with Caspian, how you’ve tried to establish distance between our child and him, it’s inevitable he doesn’t know her by now. And that’s how I know.

Know that Raya is always seeking him as much as she is you. All my fear collapses on itself when I think about it, attacking my dreams. I’ve gone weeks met with restless sleep, the icy fear gripping around my heart.

Raya, like her mother, loving Caspian more than me.

I’m supposed to continue on my journey of the story in falling for you. Therapist thinks it’s really good that I’m analyzing the hostility I’ve built up since our daughter’s been born. Notes that it probably stems from my fear of feeling you slip from me throughout our life.  

Hate that the dick is right. He’s not an actual dick – he’s actually a really nice guy. Except when I get talking about you, then he became challenging. Condescending. You know how I feel about condescending, privileged douche bags. A hate I’ve formed that I’m starting to realize might be self-stimulated.

But enough of that for now. Let’s get back to the story book of our life.

In college, that was when things changed. That you started to see me in a different light. I wasn’t just Pete anymore. Pete had become Peter.

It was probably around sophomore year at university. That year that we had traveled abroad together, unknowingly to the other, and had shown up in a Spanish bar together. I had just transferred to Yale and had opted to go abroad because the idea of being in America during my parents’ divorce just sounded horrible. You were drunk, carefree and loving before our eyes connected across the bar. We hadn’t spoken for a year or two and we spent the night catching up, small admissions escaping our lips freely as more wine hit our lips.

We had ended up at my place, our limbs tangled in the other. When I woke up, my arms nestled around you, I had prayed to God. It was odd, praying, I hadn’t done it since I was a child and yet I remembering whispering thanks because finally, finally you were mine. You had woken up, smiling and confused, before proposing to get breakfast.

And then we became inseparable.

We traveled across Europe together. We never officially announced our relationship when we were there, you had made it clear that I could date other women. But I had felt…I couldn’t date other people. I did but I was never mentally connected to them. Not emotionally. I was too stuck on you. When people back at home saw the goofy selfies we took, I always told them that you were my girlfriend.

So when we came back to the states, I asked to make it official and you had hesitated. Had only given in after a semester of testing the waters.

I should have known that you weren’t ready then.

I blame Susan for the winter incident. I know she did it because she felt neglected from Caspian. Despite their history, Susan couldn’t get it. Us Pevensie’s were cursed I suppose. Couldn’t understand that the two people we were desperately in love with were promised to each other. Caspian wanted a distraction and found one easy in Susan. Susan clung onto it greedily. But she couldn’t just be satisfied by that. She had to finally prove that she was better than you – that she had the one thing that was missing from your life.

So she coordinated the meet up at the game.

When she told me this years later, a drunken night after a fight we had gotten in, before you were pregnant, I wanted so desperately to hate her. Figured that was the reason why we never worked out. But I couldn’t do that to her, to myself. I understood it even if it hurt.

Caspian and I had been talking still since high school. Just a week before the game he admitted that he missed you. That he felt stupid and foolish for letting you go. That the girls he dated, my sister included, were fine but didn’t inspire him the way you did. Make his heart full.

Susan and I had been deliberate about not sharing with either one of you are relationships. It was selfish of us, we both know that, but could you blame us for wanting to hold on to something so much?

So you could imagine my surprise, after the game where I had put my heart into, beat by him in something that I had also reigned in – the one thing I thought he couldn’t touch, when you barreled into my car and demanded if I knew he was back in this part of the country. How you were angry that I hid that from you. And the words that came afterwards. How I felt like you were still hung up on him and the silent way you responded back. And then the knife that pierced my heart.

You didn’t belong to me. We were just fuck buddies.

God, I was so angry at you. At him.

I should have just driven us home in angry silence, letting time dissipate the tension in our argument. Instead, I let you walk out, back to Susan.

Back into his arms.

Edmund had been the one to tell me about that night. Caspian and him are pretty tight, more tight than we are. Edmund looks up to him, admires him I would argue. So of course, one night a few years back Caspian drunkenly admits how you both blew up at each other before he admitted his feelings for you. That you had eagerly kissed him back when he found himself drawn to you. 

You were going to sleep with him and it was me that had interrupted the little triste.

Guilt had washed over you for days, Y/N, do you know that? Emitted from you. That was why I demanded you choose. Had to claim you for mine once and for all.

I was so naive.

When you finally did look me in the eye, when you had finally touched me in that way that had me melting under your embrace, I allowed myself to believe the lie that you were mine once again.

The crime of love.

You can never own what was never yours.

July 5, 2017

Y/N,

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. My therapist has been probing me too but after that last confession….

This all still seems to be too soon and it’s been years.

Raya is gone. She’s been with you for two weeks now. Correction – you, her and Caspian.

I appreciate that you both were honest about it. But Y/N….I think after you read these letters, we talk about our relationship in a way that’s honest and honors the other.

I’ll be honest in this:

1)      Since Raya has been gone, I’ve been stricken with the fear that she will want Caspian more than she wants me as a father.

2)      Since Raya has been gone, I realize how much I depend on those interactions we have. That I cling onto the little bit of you, even if the words are short or fueled with anger. Any piece of you gives me life.

3)      I thank you for being more honest and open in our communication, especially since Caspian has been spending more time with our daughter.

4)      I don’t know how to deal with the knowledge that I have lost you forever.

I know I have. Sitting her, the day after the fourth of July, the evening air clinging onto my sticky skin as I sit on the porch, thinking about and Raya, makes me know I have. Even at our worse, you were always here.

And now you’re gone.

July 30, 2017

Sun kissed skin. There’s just something about it that looks good on you.

Lucy – I decided – will get my wrath when all this is gone. Probably in the form of tears and alcohol but a wrath nonetheless.

When she told me you wanted us all to hang out, like old times, I thought I had gone deaf. Or crazy. You hadn’t wanted that for decades.

And now you wanted to make the peace.

Of course I went. I had to. I had to see you. Our conversations have been brief, but their pleasant. You smile at me again. Raya is so happy when we’re both around.

Then I remember that Caspian was going to be there.

A beach day. That was what Lucy thought would be best. All of us sitting along the shores of the Atlantic, the waves beating a soundtrack to our day. It had been years since we’ve all gone as a family. It should be fun.

That was what she kept chiming.

It was going to be fun.

She had been wrong.

It was fine with the four of us of course. We had gotten there the night earlier to hang out and relax. Lucy with her boyfriend, Susan with the guy she was dating and Edmund with his girl. Do you remember that girl that Susan had introduced me too, Loren. She had known that I was a love sick puppy the moment you had arrived.

You were alone as you came up the condo stairs, Raya squealing in your arms to see me and her aunts and uncles. She was going to be two soon and was growing faster than either of us could keep up with, her face slowly maturing and I remember looking at the both of you and thinking that she was going to grow up to be so beautiful, the replication of you in her.

You were already in beach garb, shorts that allowed all of the boy’s eyes to wander, to feast on your teasing exposed ass that your swimsuit was failing to cover. The T-shirt you wore was thin, the cleavage from your swimsuit peeking out and making me wonder what it would feel like to taste your skin once again. Your hair was a mess as you slipped out of your sandals, pushing your sunglasses up on your head as you smiled pleasantly at all of us, chatted a bit. You were even joking with me.

Then Caspian had shown up.

He was coming from a conference and was still in a suit, out dressing all of us with a finesse smoothness. But it wasn’t the suit. It was the way the suit fit on him. When he walked, it was with the swag of a fucking model. His hair was still styled in that edgy way that Edmund had convinced him months earlier, his sharp jawline maintaining his groomed beard that made all of the women inhale as he smiled at them. Lucy had greeted him easily – they chatted regularly. He knew her boyfriend.

Susan was having a fucking meltdown, lust blanketing her eyes as she tried to ignore him.

The new guy she was with, Derrick or whoever, stood with us just as awed, obviously conflicted and confused. Who the fuck was this guy?

Raya was the saving grace as he stood leaning against the couch, his eyes searching for you. You and her had gone out to the balcony and upon hearing Caspian’s voice she had been squealing to get to him. You had propped the door open and her bare feet padded toward him quickly, giggling and screaming out “Pian, Pian.” Her face alight with a smile, her hands reaching out to him.  

The fear of her loving him gripping my heart like ice once more as he lifted her, gracing her face with kisses as she clung on to him. Raya being a lovable person but only reserving so much love for myself and you. And now she was sharing it with him.

Then there eras you.

You had been outside on the phone, talking to your mom when you turned and saw him. Leaning against the rail, your chest rising and falling slowly as your eyes connected. We could all fill it, the way his eyes tenderly softened as he bounced Raya in one arm and his long legs started moving toward you.  

His hands slipping around your waist as he bent down to kiss you, conversation forgotten as your hands wound around him and your daughter.

This was the first incident.

The second incident happened hours later on the beach. We had made lunch then headed down to the large sandbox, finally able to share a single conversation without the intrusion of awkwardness. You and I had been talking about Raya’s visiting schedule with either of us. Caspian was ahead of us, Raya in his arms as he made casual talk with Susan who had all about forgotten about the guy she brought as he meandered further with Edmund, Lucy and their partners.

We had gotten to our spot, settling in as we doused ourselves with sunscreen and started shedding our clothing to our swimsuits. Everyone but you. You were hesitant, your eyes racking over the bodies of the women who were chatting gleefully and Caspian had pulled you down into his arms, whispering something in your ear that had you blushing and smiling as his hands reverently brushed over your body.

You had told me once, after you had Raya, how insecure you had become about your body and your body weight. You had been working out, eating right but felt like your body wasn’t the same and avoided places like this. I had thought that insecurity had waned out but watching you, your self-conscious eyes tugging at your shirt I knew it still lived within you. How, I didn’t understand.

You were beautiful. All of you is beautiful.

Raya and I were sitting in the sand, trying to build a sandcastle when you stood up, muttering under your breath.

“Fuck it.” You had said, kicking off your shorts and tossing your shirt to the side. You strolled out to the waves – that sun kissed skin gleaming on your skin. I watched memorized as the sun followed the movement of your curves, your silence turning into glee as you laughed, playing in the waves. It reminded me of a summer commercial, of how marketing companies try to capture the essence and happiness off beach season.  

Caspian hadn’t taken his eyes off you, his heavy lidded eyes drinking you in, undressing you, probably fantasizing about all the things he was going to do to you later. Things that I fantasized about doing in the emptiness of my home.

“Mama’s pretty…” Raya had said softly, looking up at me expectantly to respond, her round cheeks matching her crusted sand hands.  

“Yea, baby girl, she is very pretty…”

“She’s beautiful.”

Caspian’s voice was low as he stood up, smiling down at Raya.

“She’s our beautiful queen remember Raya?”

Raya smiled, nodding as she turned back in my lap, her attention drawn back to filling her bucket with sand. Caspian and I made eye contact and something passes between us. We don’t voice it, but we both know it.

‘She’s beautiful and she’s mine’ is what his eyes told me as he threw me a sad smile, following you out to the waves as you both laughed and played in the surf. Flicking water on each other, throwing each other in the water. It’s in the middle of him capturing you in your teenage game, your legs wrapping around his lean muscular body, his tan skin complimenting your sun kissed one that you both kiss each other tenderly like teenage lovers.

Lucy awed loudly, drawing attention to your intimate moment because she’s always been vocal for the love story that was you and Caspian and Raya had patted my chest, pointing toward you and Caspian.

“Mommy and ‘Pian are the King and kueen. And I’m da pincess.”

My mouth running dry as I looked down at her happy eyes. She’s too young to have known how the words pierced my heart.

You were his queen. He was your king.

And that left little room for me.

August 8, 2017

Y/N,

Raya is the spitting image of you. She has your bright eyes, your laughter and your thirst for curiosity.

She has my hair color, blonde wisps that curls unruly on her head. Its longer now that she’s older and getting thicker, a gift from you and when I’m left trying to tame the unruly locks, I remember the way you looked as you stood in the mirror each morning, trying to manage your own hair before dodging out for work.

An image that Caspian gets to treasure forever.

Raya has my dimples. The two indentures that bite into her chubby cheeks appear when she’s happy, frustrated or concentrated on something really intently. It is funny, to have a daughter that mirrors my actions.

She also has my stubbornness. She was going to be a strong willed woman, would probably push back on everything she didn’t agree with. Would probably believe in standing for causes that put her on the front line of danger, unmoving in her beliefs. She was going to be a fighter. We both knew that.

She was starting to fight us if we tried to dress her in an outfit she didn’t like.

She’s turning two today, our princess. It’s been three years since we both found out that she was coming into this world and two since she’s graced us with her presence. She woke up in the early morning, unaware of her special day, screaming out my name in gleeful excitement. She’s such a happy child – gives me light in my world of darkness.

Its barely 11 and we will need to head to your place soon. You have a fun event planned filled with gifts, games and lots of alcohol for the adults. You’re logic that we all could celebrate is spot on, and our families have relented in joining. Justly, they have distanced themselves since Raya’s birth.  We are explosive typically when we are together and they can’t handle. But now Caspian’s family is also joining and everyone is excited for the reunion.

I’m afraid to see you.

Afraid because you’ve been kinder. Afraid because we’re able to have family dinners and have conversations that aren’t fueled by anger. Afraid because he is the reason you have changed, he is the reason you check your phone, a smile tugged on your lips before returning your attention on us.

A little over seven months you’ve both been dating and yet it feels like more. Like all the time you’ve both been separated has been sealed up with this rekindling.

I want to get over you, I’ve decided.

And yet my heart won’t let me.

Help me. Please God. Help me.

August 12, 2017

Peter,

I found these letters when I was cleaning out Raya’s bag after the party. I felt bad at first, reading these intimate admissions in your journal but they were all addressed to me so I figured…..I’m sorry if this angers you. Sorry if this ruins all the work we’ve put in to restoring some form of relationship. If I broke your trust.

But Peter, why didn’t you tell me?

Why didn’t you tell me how much you loved me? You always hinted, teased, flirted with the emotion and I thought, honestly, I was just a way to pass time. That’s how you’ve always defined our love. That’s all I’ve ever been able to see.

I understand now that you’ve used that as a cloak of your true feelings, that because of our history and my history with Caspian, it was the way you protected yourself from disappointment.

You never voice yourself. You always have to put on this image of being strong willed, put together, organized, a leader. And you are. But you’re also human and humans have to show their emotions.

I’m happy you’re seeing a therapist. Truly. I want you to figure out how to love yourself in ways you’ve never allowed. So others know how to love you back.

I say this because I don’t want you to feel mislead in my next words and to understand ultimately my response.

I will always love you Peter.

Not in the way you will love me. Not in the way that I love Caspian. Or Susan. Or Lucy. Or Edmund. Or even our precious little Raya.

But I love you.

I love what you taught me. I love that we have grown, struggled, cried, yelled and loved each other in this journey we call life. You have taught me what it means to stand up for myself, for others. To fight for what I want. To love….to love Caspian in all the ways he has understood how to love me.

You are right. I love you but my heart does not belong to you.

That doesn’t mean you are alone. It does not mean that you have to be miserable. It just means that you have to accept what our love was. That through it, we have our beautiful daughter and to start fighting for the love you desire, that you deserve, with someone else.

I can help you Peter, but you have to talk to me.

I know that you probably hate this, but I also think talking to Caspian might help to. He understood the toll he’s taken by being in the picture. He loves you Peter – you’re like a brother to him. Talk to him.

If you can’t talk to him, talk to me. Just say something.

But Peter, stop slipping away. I see it, feel it when we’re together. You’re slipping away and I can’t lose you. You’re so important to so many people, so important to me.

Talk to me Peter. I’m here. Just talk to me.

[its-captain-sir]

OK I'VE BEEN ENABLED so here are my thoughts so far:

• I think a crossover setting where the Pevensies are put into star wars works a little bit better than anyone from star wars going into narnia (though my heart wishes to be able to put the clones and maybe Ahsoka in narnia 💔)

• so in that case I think the best time for all of this to happen is empire era so the themes of rebellion will match up and you can have the Pevensies be the last of the Jedi that everyone looks up to as their saviors, mirroring the way being humans in narnia affects their story

• maybe there's some sort of smaller conflict on their home planet? with one side backed by the empire (so the empire isn't their true enemy yet) and they get sent off to another planet once things start getting worse

• not sure who would fill Professor Kirke's role yet.... I kind of like the idea of it being a clone so there'd be a certain closeness and understanding of the jedi (mirroring the professor's understanding of narnia) and it also would have my next point make sense...

• Lucy finding the wardrobe in this crossover would translate to her finding an old jedi's lightsaber! and that acts as the catalyst for the Pevensies finding out they're force sensitive and sending them on this whole journey of joining the rebellion

• don't know who the role of Tumnus would be filled by yet, though "Tumnus" should probably live close to where Lucy finds the lightsaber so she can learn more about it and the jedi from him but he should still have some connection to the empire (HONESTLY seeing some Wolffe parallels here in terms of reporting it then realizing it was a mistake.....)

• no idea who the role of the beavers would be filled by. like genuinely have nothing here hskdhskdj

• Jadis is "the emperor", but she takes on a more active Darth Vader-type role and does try seducing Edmund to the dark side

• idk the rest of it is like them being on the run from the empire for while and trying to get Edmund back (who also realizes his epic fuck up moments) and they run into Master Huyang! who takes on the role of Father Christmas and instead of gifting them stuff, he helps them build their own lightsabers with their own crystals they found along the way (though Lucy uses the crystal from the original saber she found. Edmund also finds a crystal while imprisoned by Jadis and the empire that he purifies later on to make his own saber) They all pretty much make standard sabers except Susan who gets a gun-saber cause fuck yeah that's cool and she deserves it

• Aslan is a jedi from the republic that's been helping to lead the rebellion but uh. idk what else is up with him beyond that. he's still gotta like fake die somehow to Jadis so everyone will look to Peter for guidance but then come back and beat her and I don't think force ghost shenanigans are enough to do that but who knows! maybe that would work hkajdkshdk

• final battle is still really final battle-y hskdhskd there probably is a ground battle and a space battle just to fit in with the star wars vibe more, Peter goes up against Jadis for a while, Edmund ends up breaking Jadis' saber and still nearly dies until Lucy comes in with a natural affinity for force healing (which I swear would not just come out of nowhere, it would be remarked upon beforehand like the cordial hskdhfgsk)

• ALSO Lucy and Susan still rescue "Tumnus" and a bunch of other people from the empire with the help of maybe-alive/maybe-dead Aslan

• the Pevensies obviously don't become kings or queens or anything cause this is star wars but they still are the last of the Jedi and helped beat the empire so everyone loves them <3 no other thoughts about the ending besides that, I don't really see how much of it would transfer over shy of involving the world between worlds or something which. I guess is still an option? but that's pushing it a little bit I think hshdjshdk

That's all I've got so far and it really is just a rehashing of the Pevensies story but in star wars, but I'm having fun with it and that's all that matters <3

If I had an ounce less of self control I would be making a star wars/narnia crossover