#i love X character with so much of my heart that its kinda weird to see Y actor and have to know that's not them!!

[bucketbueckers]

COME AROUND

pairing: paige bueckers x fem!reader content: language, kinda angsty (but with a happy ending because above all else, i am my own target audience), friends to lovers to exes to lovers, too many gatsby references, teenage awkardness, hopkins!p, sexuality, generational fumble from paige, mental health, slight injury, painfully long

wc: 27.0k synopsis: You were always a little tender-hearted. That’s why your friends told you to stay far, far away from Paige Bueckers. You tried, you honestly did – but Paige was magnetic, and she loved you, and you were just a little too weak to say no. Eventually, you’d have to come to terms with the realization that the both of you were growing up far too fast and that there were many lessons still left to be learned, although you never thought that moment of reckoning would come in the fashion that it did. Despite losing your way over the years, the beautiful thing about life is that you always find your way back home. notes: kinda funny that i thought this was gonna be like 5-6k words long...lol sike 😍 last night's game actually killed me but what do i actually know about basketball. i just work here. this fic came to me in a fever dream and was not planned out at all, is poorly proof-read, and at the end of the day i dont actually know if its good or not cause im sick of reading it. also. please let me know how we feel about the sexuality/process of coming out. i tried to make it as authentic as possible (i did NOT feel like writing homophobia, paige and reader got enough shit going on in this one shot) but lowkey...idk how it works. crazy lore drop but when i realized i liked girls i said "ok" and went on with my day and then eventually got outed to my family so like..oh well. i think that's it though but as always let me know what y'all think and pls pls enjoy 🫶

tags: @unadulteratedcyclepaper @avvwritesstufff @surferandskater5

You were always a little tender hearted — or so you’ve been told. Your heart lives perpetually on your sleeve, bared, bleeding, beating persistently regardless of the way it breaks under the slightest pressure. You’re a patchwork of criss-crossing bandages, an amalgamation of stitches and sutures; nevertheless, you still find the bravery to love and open up your heart in spite of it all. You wouldn’t say that you let people walk all over you. You’re outspoken and proud of it, opinionated and driven. In the same breath, you’re sensitive and trusting – perhaps to a fault, but that’s just who you are.

You don’t think this is a character flaw. Yes, you get hurt, but that’s inevitable. You like to think that if people like you stopped putting love and compassion into the world, then it would all go to shit eventually. You like to think that there is someone out there who will see your effort for what it is and care enough to protect your heart as if it were their own. Platonically, romantically, you didn’t particularly mind – you wanted to forge genuine connections with people. You wanted to love in whatever form that came to be. So, yes. You get hurt. Yes, it would be easier for you to not care so much at all, but if people gave up so quickly, then how would we grow? How can we expect to glean something from the world if it was a depleted resource?

Hopkins, Minnesota, was a quaint little city, but it was where you grew up. Elementary and middle school was… well, elementary and middle school. You learned a lot about yourself, about others, and made a few close friends that have stuck by you for years. Then high school came around and things shifted. Your classmates were confusing mixtures of self-absorbed and altruistic, trying too hard to be one thing or the other, and it was this strange imbalance between finding who you’re supposed to be versus staying true to what you’ve known. It’s that weird thing called growing up, and sure, everyone does it – in a literal sense as they grow older physically, but also as they change their minds and learn new things about the world and themselves, although growing up in high school is just so daunting. It’s like you’re supposed to have all of the right answers, right now, which is scary because you don’t even have the right answers for algebra yet you’re supposed to make life-altering decisions about the person you are?

You digress, though. Freshman year is decent. You get into a steady rhythm, join a couple of clubs that will look good on college applications, and you make a few new friends, ones that feel a little more like you despite the ones you’ve been holding onto since kindergarten. Sophomore year is full of changes, yet again.

But junior year? They weren’t lying when they said it would be the hardest year of high school. You were taking a few AP classes and a dual enrollment class or two to round it out, but despite that, junior year comes with a lot more internal realizations. You weren’t a sports person by any means, but Paige Bueckers soon became a name you were intimately familiar with. She’d led her team pretty far into the playoffs during sophomore year although they ultimately fell short. There was something about her that was magnetic and you wanted to know more, see more. She was a freshman phenom, a generational player.

And when you mention this to your friends, trying to screw up the courage to attend one of the Hopkins girls’ games, you’re adamant that this new shift has nothing to do with the six foot, blonde guard with whom you share a fourth period AP Lit class with. Sure, Paige is ridiculously pretty (even though you’re 100% straight), charming, and she has a way of drawing everyone in. You’d just like to be her friend and that’s all there is to it. You don’t stare at her as your literature teacher rambles on about whatever classic book you’re reading – you don’t remember if it’s To Kill a Mockingbird or The Great Gatsby, but as long as Paige is sitting one row in front and two chairs to the right of you, there probably isn’t a chance that you’ll find it in you to care.

Then, around late October, it’s time for group projects and you’re just hoping you’re not paired with someone who doesn’t want to do the work. When your teacher rattles off your name, pausing once to glance at the rest of the roster, and calling out Paige as your partner, you aren’t entirely sure if this is something you want to celebrate or dread. You look up from your open book, The Great Gatsby, although you’ve read this dozens of times already, and you find that Paige is already turning back to look at you. Her face is a mix of easygoing confidence and gentle kindness all wrapped up in a radiant smile that makes your heart drop out of your ass.

Your classmates shuffle around and she slides into the desk seat next to yours, her knees bumping awkwardly on the sides, but she hardly pays it any mind as she introduces herself to you, as if she isn’t the most famous seventeen-year-old you’ve ever sat next to. You figure that her introduction is more out of humility than anything else. It’s probably daunting to be her, intimidating to bear the weight of countless expectations on shoulders that are barely broad enough to fill out her jersey. You give her your name and she repeats it back to you slowly, testing the pronunciation on her tongue, and grinning when you nod, ignoring the blush that creeps up on your neck.

“A’ight,” Paige says, rubbing her hands together in a way that looks corny as hell, but you can’t help but be amused by it, “What do you think?”

The prompt on the board is simple – by AP Lit standards, at least. Explain the symbolism of the green light. Common interpretations think of the light as a representation of Gatsby’s love for Daisy, the American Dream, or money. Do you believe any of these interpretations (or an interpretation of your own) reflect the themes of the story and Gatsby, or do you believe the narrator, Nick Carraway, has unreliably pushed his own thoughts and interpretations onto Gatsby? How does the green light tie into the broader themes of Gatsby and Daisy’s relationship? Your project must be in the form of a PowerPoint presentation…

You stop reading as the rest of the prompt goes into the rubric. “You first,” you tell Paige, smiling when she huffs dramatically.

“I think it’s supposed to represent Gatsby’s feelings for Daisy,” Paige states. “I mean, it’s constant, like Gatsby’s been in love with Daisy for years. Even before he went off to war. And he’s always starin’ at it at night. I do think Nick is putting his own thoughts into it. Like, by sayin’ Gatsby believes in the ‘orgastic future that year by year recedes before us.’ I’on even know what that means.” You can’t help but laugh at this, drawing a grin from Paige. “But you know what I mean, right? He fell in love with this girl before he went off to war, years pass and he’s alive but she’s married to another dude and he’s rich and lonely and I guess he’s close to her, but they ain’t really that close – I feel like that light just, you know, reminds him that she’s there.” Paige’s voice gets quieter the more she rambles, and when she catches the soft attentiveness in your features, she scratches the back of her neck, shy.

You smile at her. “You know, I wouldn’t have expected that kind of analysis from you,” you admit.

“Bro, what?” she exclaims, choking on a laugh as you dissolve into giggles. “I see how it is. It’s ‘cause I’m supposed to be a dumb jock, right?”

You roll your eyes, your cheeks hurting from the strength of your smile. “No. I mean, like what you said about the light reminding him that she’s there. I always thought I was the only one who interpreted it that way, too.” Paige’s gaze softens as she takes in your explanation. “I feel like Gatsby is trapped in two different times – the past, where he loved her, and the present, where he still loves her but can’t have her. The light simultaneously reminds him of what he’s lost but also what he could have, you know?” Paige nods, encouraging you to go on. “There’s a distance between them, literally, but I think Gatsby feels like Daisy is still within reach. That his dreams are still within reach. I don’t think he realizes he’s chasing a dream from five years ago, or that Daisy eventually moves on as Nick watches Daisy fall in and out of love with Gatsby.”

“That is…really depressing,” Paige says, which makes you laugh again, but the way she’s gazing at you makes you feel as though she’s seeing you in a different light.

You shrug a shoulder, trying to not think too hard about the way her blue eyes sparkle. “I cried over this book a couple of times. I’m kind of a professional now.”

“Now that’s somethin’ I’d expect from you,” Paige teases.

“Okay, jerk!” you gasp indignantly. “You don’t even know me. What makes you so sure of that?”

Paige hums, pretending to think about something, but her expression is undeniably smug. “Call it intuition. How about you let me get to know you and I’ll let you know if it’s true?”

Oh. You were definitely not expecting that one. Your heart thrums a little at the implication, but it softens ever so slightly because you can clearly make out the earnestness reflected in her eyes, the realization that despite the grandeur and the fame and the talent beyond her years, Paige is still human.

“Well,” you say in a manner that you hope is supposed to be coy, “we’re stuck together now for this project. Getting to know me is a little inevitable.”

“Oh, it’s like that?” Paige asks, her lips tugging into a teasing smirk, one that makes you feel exasperated – in a good way. “And what happens after the project? You still gonna let me hang around and annoy you?”

You can’t help but laugh a little, hating the way your pulse races, although you ignore it. “We’ll see if I still like you by then,” you say, which makes her smirk turn into a smile that’s a little more tender, less cocky.

“I can work with that,” she promises. And with that, the both of you start outlining your project. Paige throws in a comment here and there that makes you laugh, keeping the mood light as you work. At the end of the period, you punch your number into her phone, dutifully ignoring the grin on her face and the blush on yours. She texts you immediately after just to be sure, but she texts you during your next class to complain about how boring her history teacher is, too. Conversation comes easy with Paige. It’s like she just knows – knows you – and you’re not sure if that should scare you or excite you. Despite not knowing why your budding friendship with Paige feels so different, you just know that it feels right, and that was good enough for you.

Your last class of the day is a study hall and you’re sitting at a table in the back with two of your friends, Mack and Serena. You can all but feel the mood shift when you recount your day. The mere mention of Paige is enough for your friends to jump on the defensive.

“You need to stay away from her,” Mack says, her tone serious. You frown, glancing at Serena for some help, but she only shifts uncomfortably, finding her online work a lot more appealing than this conversation. “Paige is someone who’s gonna break your heart, okay?”

“It’s not even like that–”

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Mack states firmly. “It wasn’t like that when Izy left, was it?”

Despite yourself, your expression sours, and Mack reclines as though she’s made her point. You suppose she has. Izy was your best friend. The two of you were attached at the hip since kindergarten, but in freshman year, she found a new group of friends. She had a lot more in common with them than she did with you – or so it seemed – and she didn’t necessarily cut you off, but it probably would have been easier if she did. The two of you talked sparingly, plans always seemed to fall through, and the loss of that friendship hurt just as much as a break up would.

“Or ‘he-who-shall-not-be-named,’” Serena adds unhelpfully, because all it does is twist your heart again. He who shall not be named, or more colloquially known as Logan, was your first boyfriend. Granted, you only dated him for about three months in the eighth grade, but the break up turned your world upside down. He was your first something. That wasn’t anything to scoff at and he wasn’t kind in the aftermath, so it’s not really your fault for feeling impossibly upset about it. Maybe there was just something about you that made it difficult for people to want to stick around, but maybe there was something about you that managed to pick wrong every time.

“Those are different,” you argue. You can’t help the way your voice wavers, and you feel angry at yourself all over again for getting upset about this. “I was friends with Izy for ten years and Logan was my first boyfriend. They meant something to me.”

“Sure,” Mack concedes. “But you felt a lot for them. Watching you work through that heartbreak…” She shakes her head. “I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve been hurt by a lot of ignorant people, and, yeah, you always get back up at the end of the day, but I know it weighs on you.” Mack pauses, finding her thoughts as you stare imploringly at her. “People talk, you know. Paige talks to a lot of people. She’s not the type of person to stay in one place. You know as soon as she gets an offer, she’s leaving Minnesota and she’s not gonna look back. She’s destined for something a little greater than Hopkins.”

You swallow thickly, Mack’s words hitting you harder than she probably intended. Part of you knows that she’s right. Paige is only a junior but she’s a top prospect coming out of high school. She’s going to go to a great college for basketball. UConn, South Carolina, Notre Dame – one of the dynasties. You’re sure she’d get an offer to stay home and attend the University of Minnesota, but you also know that she’s worth a lot more than Minnesota. The other part of you, the part more connected to that bleeding heart of yours, doesn’t want to listen to Mack. It holds out hope that you wouldn’t be just another part of Paige’s past – maybe you could be part of her future.

Mack glances up at you again, studying your expression, and she softens. “Hey,” she says, gathering your attention. “I’m not gonna make a choice for you. If you wanna be her friend…go for it. I just want you to be careful who you show your heart to. Some people take it for granted.”

You nod carefully, appreciative of the way she looks out for you, and the two of you return to your work. Only moments later, your phone buzzes on the table. A notification from Paige lights up on your screen, then two, and you smile despite yourself and open your messages. You text her back, already pushing your conversation with Mack and Serena to the back of your mind, and you hardly notice their concerned glances as you respond.

Your project isn’t due until mid-December, the Friday before winter break, but you and Paige spend nearly every other day together when she doesn’t have practice. It’s a steady rhythm for the two of you: sitting through your literature class together, exchanging teasing glances and text messages when your teacher isn’t looking, complaining about the other classes you don’t share with each other, and finding yourselves at one or the other’s house to work on your project or simply enjoy each other’s company. You’ll admit that the two of you don’t get much work done most days, instead filling the time with pointless conversations about nothing but mean everything. Hours with Paige feels like mere minutes and you don’t part until a parent texts about dinner and you have to go your separate ways.

She invites you out to one of her games. It’s on a Friday night, and at first, you want to decline, hearing Mack’s words swirl through your brain once more. People talk, you know. Paige talks to a lot of people. She’s not the type of person to stay in one place. You don’t want to have to share Paige’s attention, which is a realization that shocks you to your core. It’s dangerously possessive and honestly, it flusters you a little. You’d never been so territorial over a friend’s time like you have been with Paige. Perhaps territorial isn’t even the right word. You have no claim over Paige, nor does she have any claim over you. You don’t like girls and you don’t like her in that way, even if that disjointed flutter in your chest makes you wonder otherwise. You don’t.

Paige seems to read your expression perfectly. That’s a new thing, too. You have been friends for less than a month, although it feels like you’ve known her forever. You know her favorite color, the women she grew up idolizing, the larger-than-life dreams that you know she’s going to make come true because Paige is nothing if not a girl who works hard and believes in herself. You know the messier parts of Paige, her parent’s divorce, her unyielding faith, and the uncharacteristically insecure “I like girls. Does that change anything with us?” that she’d whispered over the phone one night (your heart had raced and you felt warmth creep up your cheeks; you didn’t know what that meant, but you wholeheartedly meant it when you promised her that it wouldn’t change anything).

“You won’t even know I’m there,” you say to Paige, referring back to the game, and her brows furrow in a stupefied confusion. “Are you, like, aware of how many people go to your games?”

Paige rolls her eyes, but the action lacks any real heat as a smile spreads across her face, slow and insufferable in that way only Paige is capable of. “If you’re in the stands, I’m not gonna care about anyone else,” she promises, which makes your heart skip a beat. “I want you there.”

You didn’t really need much convincing after that, so on Friday night, you find yourself in the student section. You’re not even sure who the Royals are playing – probably a district rival – but the one thing you’re sure of is that Paige oozes with confidence, an easy grin on her face as she warms up on the court. She’s chatting with one of her teammates, although her eyes scan the gym imperceptibly. Then, her eyes are sliding across your figure, taking in your – her – Hopkins basketball hoodie that she forced you to wear, showcasing her last name and her number on the back of it, and her grin softens as she waves at you.

That night, Paige plays like she has a point to prove. She’s unguardable from the three-point line, demanding in the paint like she’s prime Lebron James, and she slices through the other teams defense seamlessly as she makes near impossible passes to her wide open teammates. Paige is full of energy, a searing combination of adrenaline and pure love for the game, but the trait that truly captures your attention is the unfiltered cockiness. Off the court, Paige is humble, although you’re still trying to figure out if that’s truly who she is or if it’s her protecting herself from all of the eyes that are on her constantly. But on the court? Paige plays like she’s the best player in the state (which she is) and she plays like she knows she’s the best player in the state (she knows she is). The only word that comes to mind is menace. Paige isn’t a dick, but when she sinks a three, she throws up three fingers as she back pedals for defense. When she landed an impossible buzzer beater to send off the first half, she’d glanced down at her arm, tapping on her wrist as if she were wearing a watch. Then, late in the third quarter, when she stole the ball from an opposing player and took it across the court for the easiest layup of her life and stole the ball again when the other team was trying to inbound it (she scored on that one, too), her celebration was directed at you. She pointed at you in the crowd, a grin on her face and pride in her eyes, and you couldn’t help but laugh at her, shaking your head as the warmth spread through your body.

Seeing Paige play in person is like seeing her in a different light, and honestly, you feel like you know her a little better now. You feel more drawn to her. She offers to walk you home after the game. At first, you want to decline. She just played out of her mind and lead her team to a blowout win against whoever the fuck and your mom is just a call away. Paige insists, reminding you that your houses really aren’t that far apart, and you suppose you can’t really argue against that one.

She keeps you entertained the entire walk back, cracking jokes and recounting some of her favorite plays from the game, and when her knuckles brush against yours as she rambles, you find that you really don’t mind that spark of electricity that runs up your spine at the contact. She tests the waters, pressing closer and closer until finally, she links her pinky with yours under the streetlight; you smile at her, something that’s simultaneously soft and welcoming and laced with the sudden realization about yourself that you’d been putting off the entire time you’d known Paige. You liked her. She glances over at you, mid sentence with a content smile on her face. When she registers the fact that you’ve been staring at her, she stutters, fumbling over her words, and you can’t help your laughter as she blushes bright pink.

It should probably scare you a lot more than it does. Liking a girl is scary and daunting but liking Paige, your best friend, feels like something new entirely. You remember Mack’s words again. People talk, you know. Paige talks to a lot of people. She’s not the type of person to stay in one place. As quickly as they’d popped into your brain, you push them to the back of your mind. Mack doesn’t know Paige like you. That much you’re sure of. And if you get hurt in the process of trying to live and experience things for the first time and giving your heart out to someone, then so be it; you were used to it by now, but the gentleness of Paige’s gaze under the moonlight feels like she’s promising that she wouldn’t hurt you.

The two of you pause at your doorstep. You can hear the gentle thrum of crickets, the drag of the wind across grass and leaves. Paige stands tall over you, her expression soft as she gazes down at you with what seems like a flicker of hope – for what, you’re not sure. The air between you feels charged, electric, like you’re opposite ends of a magnet and it’s only a matter of time before you fall into each other entirely.

“So,” she murmurs, cocking a wry smile at you. The usual sharp edges of her confidence has rounded out, enveloping you both in a sort of tenderness that makes your heart ache in the most confusing and best way possible.

“So,” you agree, drawing a quiet huff of laughter from Paige, who runs the flat of her palm across her jaw, contemplative. You give her the space to find her words – she’s done the same for you many times; she was usually the talker between the two of you, but you’ve come to find that she’s an amazing listener, too. A beat passes and she doesn’t say anything, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth, and that’s when you decide to step in. “You played great tonight,” you admit.

Paige blinks, as if she’d forgotten all about the basketball game she spent your entire walk home rambling about. Her brows relax, her smile turning bashful, and you can clearly see the humble pride in her eyes, illuminated by porchlight. “You were there,” she says. “Had to show out.” You roll your eyes fondly, your heart thundering in your chest. “Does this mean you’ll come to more of my games?”

You pause, pretending to think about it, but you’re sure the smile on your face gives you away as you respond, “Maybe. I’ll think about it.” Paige sighs, playfully exasperated, and you give in easily. “I’ll be there. I had to make sure you were actually good at this basketball thing.”

“My biggest cheerleader,” she mumbles dryly. The sheer excitement and relief on her face betrays her words and her tone and you can’t help but laugh.

“Thanks for walking me home,” you say. Your voice is hardly a whisper, but it seems to echo in this little bubble of space that the two of you have created.

“I – yeah, I mean, of course,” Paige stammers. She clears her throat, exhaling a long, deep breath, and you’re certain the fondness shows on your face as you stare at her. Paige quirks a smile, slightly embarrassed. “Stop laughing at me!”

“I’m not!” you exclaim, laughing for real now, which just makes Paige dissolve into laughter of her own. Soon enough, your giggles die down, and you’re both staring at each other with soft, captured smiles. The awkwardness of the moment melts away into something lighter; briefly, you wonder if she’d been standing this close the entire time – you can feel the warmth of her body as she stands mere inches away from you. “Goodnight, Paige.”

“Goodnight,” she whispers, but she doesn’t move, and neither do you. You don’t shy away when her fingers tentatively brush across your waist, her body eclipsing yours, and the both of you are slowly inching towards each other, breaths mingling when your front door bursts open and your little brother pops his head out with a shout of your name. You and Paige scramble away from each other, feeling like you’ve been caught red-handed.

“Get inside!” you hiss at your little brother, not awaiting his response as you push him back inside, closing the door and leaning against it. Part of you feels like crawling into a hole and never coming out of it. Your gaze returns to Paige, who’s staring at you with a mix of amusement, embarrassment, and a whole lot of affection. You sigh, feeling both resigned and like you’d been cheated out of something, and you press your forehead into the door to curb the awkwardness. “Sorry,” you say, knowing full well why you’re apologizing but also understanding that acknowledging the need to apologize is the same as acknowledging the fact that you and Paige were about to do something that would drastically change the course of your friendship.

“S’okay,” Paige says earnestly. You lift your head to meet her gaze, hoping that she’s not just saying it to make you feel better about yourself, but you find nothing but honesty in her features. Her hand brushes against yours once more, a gentle smile on her face. “I’ll text you when I’m home, yeah?”

You nod, exhaling again, mustering up a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes due to the overwhelming embarrassment. “Yeah. Night, Paige.”

“Goodnight,” she says again, her expression soft, and this time, she does leave, her hands buried in her pockets. You swear she glances back at you but it’s too dark to tell for sure. Tentatively, you make your way inside, unwilling to meet your brother’s eyes. It’s not until you’re getting changed for bed that you realize you’re still wearing the hoodie she’d given to you.

You pull it off slowly, carefully, like it’s a prized possession. To you, it may as well be. After what transpired on your front porch only moments ago – or what almost transpired on your front porch, the fact that you’re in possession of her hoodie feels strangely intimate to you. It feels right, too, which is probably more concerning, but you don’t have time to dwell on it as your phone lights up with a message from Paige, then another one. Both texts are simple with the first one reading “Home” and the second one bidding you one last goodnight with a heart emoji. You respond in kind, and when your eyes find her hoodie again, you can’t help the fond, lingering smile that spreads across your face.

You and Paige don’t talk about the almost-kiss on your front porch the morning after. You don’t talk about it the day after that, or on Monday morning when she meets you in the parking lot at school. In fact, the both of you pretend like it didn’t happen at all. It doesn’t surprise you in the slightest. You start to wonder if it even happened at all – if it wasn’t for your brain conjuring images of Paige so close to you, her hand splayed on your waist, you would be sure that you had imagined it.

So, while the two of you don’t talk about it, you do a lot of thinking about it, probably enough for the both of you. You have a lot of new things to consider, such as the fact you almost kissed your best friend (and the fact that you wanted to kiss your best friend), the fact that you have feelings for your best friend, and the fact that you have feelings for your best friend who is a girl. There’s nothing wrong with girls liking girls. That wasn’t your concern. The situation as a whole is just new and unexpected and you don’t have a lot of the answers you’ve been searching for – like do you even like like girls or do you just like like Paige? Do you only like girls or do you like boys, too? You and Logan were thirteen. You’re not much older now, but at that age, it’s difficult to determine if you actually liked anyone in a sense that wasn’t completely platonic or if you were just trying to pretend that you did so you could fit in with everyone else.

You’re fine with the sexuality crisis – for now. You have bigger things to worry about, like being attracted to your best friend. You were no expert by any means, but you were smart enough to know that having feelings for your best friend was generally a pretty terrible idea. For starters, you’re not even sure if Paige likes you back. You’re sure that she’d be cool enough to remain your friend after rejecting you, but you’re not sure if you’d be able to handle the embarrassment of going from friends to extremely awkward friends. On the other hand, there is a chance she wouldn’t want to associate with you, either. The one thing you’re certain of is that you could not handle losing Paige – as a friend or otherwise. In essence, you’re stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

The more that you think about your predicament, the more you realize. A week later, you’re overthinking yours and Paige’s most recent hangout. You’d gone over to her house to “work on the project,” but that had actually turned into Paige flopping onto her bed dramatically and complaining about being sore from practice. Somehow, that meant she wouldn’t be able to contribute, and somehow, that meant the two of you would just have to binge the entire High School Musical series. You spent hours curled into Paige’s side on her bed, her hand tracing patterns onto your shoulder as the movie played on, but you didn’t really pay any mind to Travis or Danielle or whoever the main characters were. Paige was intoxicating, casual in the way she held you, and you sat through the entire movie keenly aware of the way her body pressed into yours and the scent of her cologne on her neck – but you’re getting off track. A new fear about your situation has manifested and despite Paige being the one initially worried that her liking girls would make things uncomfortable for the two of you, you’re now the one wondering if your sexuality is a reason for discomfort.

You worry that you’re the one taking advantage of your friendship. Are you overstepping friendship boundaries just because you’re incredibly close with Paige, or is there a subconscious belief that just because Paige likes girls, too, that means you can invade her personal space like they don’t matter? You worry that you’re making her uncomfortable and she’s just too polite to say anything about it. However, you also understand the fact that just because Paige likes girls doesn’t mean she likes you. That’s simultaneously a source of relief and dread. Relief because honestly, nothing has to change between the two of you. Dread because as time goes on, your feelings for Paige only get stronger, and you’d really like it if she liked you, too.

You decide to put your impending mental breakdown on the back burner. You have actual problems to worry about now, such as the due date of your project that’s quickly closing in. Your literature teacher was usually pretty lenient, but the project was still worth a huge chunk of your grade and you’re sure Paige would kill you herself if receiving a bad score on the project meant she wouldn’t be academically eligible to play basketball. The two of you make a conscious effort to lock in during the last week of the project, a little crunched for time as you’d spent so much of your “project time” talking for hours and watching movies. Granted, Paige ends up shouldering a lot more of the work as time passes on although you do your best to help out in between daydreams about her hand on your waist again.

On Thursday, the night before the project is due and two days before winter break, things seem to reach their tipping point.

You and Paige are basically finished with the project – you were proofreading and scanning your PowerPoint for academic content and ensuring your sentences made any bit of sense. Paige was pressed into your side, “quality checking the designs” as she’d said, but you just thought she was full of shit. She’s unnaturally quiet as the two of you work, until she shifts, her legs stretching out next to yours. “Think the only thing this project’s taught me is that this book is depressing as shit,” she says to you once you click over to the slide titled Gatsby and Daisy: Doomed by Time.

You hum, glancing over at her. She’s swamped in an oversized hoodie but looks impossibly comfortable as she reclines on your bed. “Alright,” you say, “I’ll bite. Why?”

She flips onto her side, explaining, “Literally everything was working against them. Time, society, people. Gatsby and Daisy were the epitome of right person, wrong time and there was nothin’ they could do to, like, get around that, you know? He went off to war, she got married, and he missed his shot ‘cause time keeps movin’. Daisy chose stability over love – Tom’s rich and can provide for her. But Gatsby was rich too. I’on get it.”

“Well,” you murmur, “wealth is not usually a good replacement for actual love.”

“You don’t think Gatsby loved Daisy?”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t love her. I’m saying he doesn’t love the version of Daisy that actually exists,” you explain. Paige gazes at you, a furrow in her brow like she’s realizing something new — about you, about herself, you can’t be sure. “He’s so obsessed with this idealized version of her from way back when and he just doesn’t understand that’s not really who she is anymore. I feel like that’s kinda the point of the green light, too.” As you think about your next words, your voice drops to a near whisper, your throat tightening with a sudden, unrestrained emotion that you can’t quite keep at bay. You meet her eyes, your stare unwavering, hoping that she can read between the lines. “Physically, the light is far away, right? It’s out of reach. But also – it’s a light. It’s impossible to hold. It’s a lesson about the impossibility of desire, that some dreams cost too much.”

Paige is quiet for a few beats, her eyes searching yours. You have always been intentional with your words. That was one of the things she knew to be true about you. Now, she seems to fully recognize your words for what they are — a confession for what you’re otherwise too afraid to say out loud. You’ve given her an out. She could sit here and wax poetic about the same topics and themes you’ve been debating over the last two months, about whether or not Gatsby truly loved Daisy, if the feelings Daisy had for Gatsby were worth giving up her life of comfort and peace, if Gatsby were worth it. Her hand brushes your waist again, her fingertips light against the skin of your navel where your sweatshirt has ridden up, and the jolt of electricity that courses through your veins reminds you of just how risky this whole thing was. You’ve all but given Paige your heart on a silver platter, perhaps too foolish or naive in the way you always search for more, more, more. Maybe you’re asking her for too much. You know she’s leaving Hopkins the first chance she gets. All of that is pushed to the back of your mind when her gaze traces your figure. 

Finally, she speaks. “I don’t think it’s too far away,” she says, understanding exactly what you were trying to say. “Not for you.” Her words ease the tension in your shoulders, her thumb brushing against your skin reassuringly. Her voice is firm, full of conviction, like she’s never been more sure of anything else before. She pauses, your eyes locked together, and her features soften ever so slightly. “Not for us.”

You quirk a small, relieved smile, relishing in the way Paige’s face relaxes, too. “You don’t think it’s impossible?” You don’t say the quiet part out loud – the “You don’t think we’re impossible?”

But Paige knows you. You’ve given more to her  than you’ve ever given to anyone in the past, friend or otherwise, and she doesn’t hesitate. “No.” Her hand settles fully on your waist now, squeezing you gently. “And even if it was… you’re worth it.” She smiles softly, her expression vulnerable and trusting despite the fact that she’s opening herself up to get hurt, too. You’re beginning to realize that the chance of getting hurt is just a risk everyone takes.

You can’t help the entire way your face softens at her confession. You realize that subconsciously, she’d said the very words you’d been hoping to hear for some time now although you never had the vocabulary to tell yourself that – that you never had the vocabulary to tell her that. But you watch the way she studies you, the way she swallows her nerves, and you begin to understand that maybe she doesn’t have the vocabulary, either, but she’s trying her best regardless. This is something that the both of you are doing for the first time; granted, you had one previous relationship, but this new thing between you and Paige feels a whole lot different. She’s the first person you think you actually consciously had feelings for, the first girl, and despite your relief and excitement, that reminder is enough to make you clam up.

You clear your throat, shifting slightly, and you pull your laptop between the two of you. “Well, we should probably get this finished,” you say with the grace of an elephant tromping through weeds. You click over to the next slide. “Does this look fine to you?”

Paige goes oddly silent, her brows furrowing in confusion and disbelief. “Uh, what?” she says.

“I said does this–”

“No, I heard you,” Paige interrupts. When you don’t meet her eyes, she sighs, exasperated, and closes the lid on your laptop, pushing it to the foot of your bed despite your protests. Then, her hand is sliding around your waist again, resting on the small of your back and pulling you onto your side so you come face to face. Your mouth clamps shut; the heat of Paige’s gaze feels like it’s enough to pick you apart, to melt you entirely, and you know well enough by now that you’re not getting out of this conversation without explaining yourself to her. “Why’d you freak out?” Paige’s voice softens, tinged with an anxious embarrassment as she adds, “I thought we — did I say too much? Do you not…?”

Instantly, you feel guilt all over. You didn’t realize how bad the situation sounded before now, with you changing the topic uncomfortably after Paige basically told you she liked you. “No, I—” You falter, your words failing you, but Paige stares at you with a hopeful patience. “I’ve never… done this before,” you confess. “You’re the first girl I’ve ever liked.”

Realization dawns on Paige’s face. “Oh,” she says, a mixture of relief and understanding lacing her tone. 

“Yeah,” you agree, a vulnerable smile quirking on your lips. “It’s new. A little scary. I really like you but I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“S’okay,” Paige murmurs. Her hand finds yours. “I really like you, too. We can figure it out together.” Her breath catches, eyes widening just a bit. “I mean, if that’s somethin’ you’d want. No pressure.”

You laugh, eyes twinkling as Paige’s cheeks flush pink. “You’re cute when you’re flustered,” you tease her. 

Paige huffs, flopping dramatically onto her other side and putting her back to you. “Goodbye!” 

You can’t stop the smile from spreading across your cheeks but you do stop laughing. You reach out, resting your hand tentatively over her bicep as you hook your chin over her shoulder. “Hey, come on,” you say. “I can’t be the only one who has to be vulnerable.” You can nearly visualize Paige’s eye roll, but she does shift again, meeting your eyes. “I’d like that. Figuring this out with you, I mean.”

Her eyes light up, a slow smile dragging across her face. You don’t even think she’s consciously aware of how happy she looks. “You’re for real?”

You shake your head, laughing under your breath. “Yes, Paige, I’m for real.”

“Good,” she states, beaming.

“Now can we finish our project?”

Paige groans dramatically, rolling over again until she’s sprawled out over you. She hitches one of her obnoxiously long legs across yours, looping an arm around your waist and making herself at home like she’s done this hundreds of times. You can’t stop the flutter in your chest, smiling despite yourself. “Do we gotta?”

“Do you gotta pass AP Lit?” you retort. 

That prompts a sigh from Paige, who untangles herself from you to reach for the laptop she’d pushed haphazardly to the foot of the bed. You miss her warmth immediately, but she’s not gone for long before she’s leaning back against your headboard, your thighs pressed together. She doesn’t make any move to turn it back on, her eyes finding yours instead. You look at her curiously.

“I just want you to know I’m serious about this,” she says honestly, taking you by surprise. “About us.” You soften. “I know a lot of people have hurt you. I’on wanna be one of them. You’re my best friend, you know? I care about you. So…let’s take this slow for now, lemme know how you’re feelin’, yeah?”

You nod, smiling gently and she gives your hand a gentle squeeze. “Same goes for you,” you say, leaning into her a little. She presses herself into your body, her chin brushing against your temple as she nods her head. 

“Promise,” she murmurs. 

And with that vow lingering in the air, the two of you share private, almost starstruck grins and get back to work. Once you finally call it quits fifteen minutes later and you submit your project, Paige is all too content to push your laptop to the side again as she wraps an arm around you fully and begins her scroll through Netflix despite the fact that you know the two of you will be watching High School Musical sooner rather than later. You grin to yourself when she does eventually put it on, not fighting the way your cheeks burn when she absentmindedly plays with your fingers or the way your heart races when she shifts to get comfortable, your legs tangling together. 

As you watch the movie, Paige’s words circulate on repeat in your brain. A lot of people have hurt you. I don’t want to be one of them. You know better than anyone that getting hurt is just another part of life. Despite yourself, you can’t help but believe her, confident that no matter what, your heart will be safe in her hands. You don’t think much of Mack’s warning, of Paige’s celebrity, of just how young the two of you are to be making these kinds of promises. You’re not thinking of the future at all. Your happiness clouds your judgement, and whether you realize it or not, you and Paige are operating on borrowed time. 

Things with Paige are great. Scratch that, they’re nothing short of amazing. The two of you spend the entirety of winter break attached at the hip, splitting your time between your house where you drink copious amounts of hot chocolate and binge silly Christmas movies and her house where you and Drew, her little brother, gang up on her in snowball fights. She whines about the fact it’s two on one, but you point out the fact she’s got an arm like a quarterback and it’s only fair. She only really understands what you mean by that when she launches a snowball at you hard enough to bruise your side, which cuts your snow day short. Paige apologizes profusely, much to your amusement, and she insists on “nursing you back to health” which, in retrospect, seems to have been a clever ploy to get you away from her family and into her arms in the comfort of her room — not that you really needed much convincing for that. 

Sometimes, your days are spent in the park, when Paige gets too restless being inside and wants to play basketball. The two of you shovel away enough snow to reveal the three point line and you rebound for Paige as she shoots. She only manages to get a couple of shots in before her hands get too cold and she starts complaining that the only way to warm them back up is if you’ll hold them. You oblige, you always do, endlessly endeared by her (mostly because you can always spot her gloves hanging out of her back pocket).

The park becomes a place of comfort for the two of you. It’s late December in Minnesota so you almost always have the park to yourselves. You’re able to talk freely without either of your annoying little brothers constantly barging in or worrying about your parents catching you. Paige is out to her family and the Bueckers support her wholeheartedly. You’re not out to your parents yet. You know they wouldn’t particularly mind, either; if anything, they’d probably just implement a really strict open door policy, but it’s still all really new to you. You like Paige. A lot. You fall for her more and more everyday. She’s goofy, sweet (even when she’s teasing you or getting on your nerves), confident, and she always knows how to make you laugh. She’s attentive and she listens. Liking Paige is something you’ve accepted, but you can’t help but be scared of the fact that you don’t really know anything about yourself. 

You can’t figure out if you like girls or if you just like Paige. You can’t look at anyone that’s not her and before her, you’d never even looked twice at another girl. Sure, you always averted your eyes when you passed Victoria’s Secret in the mall and you were really obsessed with Shego from Kim Possible and Starfire from Teen Titans, which could mean nothing. You can’t figure out if you like boys, either, if Logan was a one time thing or if you’d just confused yourself because you wanted to fit in. You don’t know if you’re a lesbian, or if you’re bisexual, something in between or nothing at all. You should be fine with knowing that you like Paige. People always say you don’t have to label it, but labeling means that you know and that it’s real and you can’t help but think that because you don’t know what you’re doing, that you’re doing it wrong or you’re just faking it all.

So you don’t tell your parents. You’re still trying to make sense of it all and you tell Paige as much, honestly a little fearful of her rejection. Part of you feels like you’re leading her on because you can’t give her a straight (no pun intended) answer.

“You don’t gotta have it figured out right now,” she tells you a few days after Christmas. The two of you are back in the park, savoring the peace in the emptiness as you sit side by side on the swings, swaying gently.

You groan a little. “I hate when people say that,” you respond. “I feel like I should know.”

Her eyes find you, warm and patient despite the chill and the fact you’ve been going back and forth on this for days now with you stressing out and Paige being endlessly reassuring about it. “Maybe you do know and you just can’t, like, put it into words?” she offers, drawing your attention. “Sexuality is a spectrum. It doesn’t have to be difficult. You don’t gotta look back on your life for evidence to prove it or whatever. Just be you.”

You fall silent, her words hitting home, and you hate the fact that you’ve been losing your mind over this and all it really took to find some clarity was a conversation with Paige on a swing. Maybe she was right. She usually is about things like this. But you can’t help but feel like you’re missing something. You were the type of person who needed a reason or an explanation for everything. 

“I don’t wanna hurt you,” you rush out, barely registering the raise of Paige’s eyebrows. “I know we said slow. I can do that. But I really like you, like really really like you, and that’s all I’m certain of. I don’t know everything else and I feel like I should because you know everything else—”

“I don’t,” she interrupts, but you keep rambling.

“—but I like you. You’re sweet and you’re kind and you understand me when I don’t understand myself. You always make me feel secure and I hate that this is so confusing!”

Her gloved hand slides into your hoodie pocket. Her fingers tangle with yours, calming a tremor you hadn’t realized you were harboring. She murmurs your name, pulling your gaze to hers, and she squeezes your hand. “Breathe,” she instructs. You do, calming the incessant thrum of your heart. “There we go.” When you’re feeling a little more stable, she continues. “You’re overthinking it.”

“I don’t wanna mess up with you,” you confess, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders when it’s out.

“You won’t,” she promises. “We agreed we’d figure it out, remember? And even if you do mess up, it’s not gonna change how I feel about you. I like you, like really really like you.” This makes you laugh, your breath steaming in the air. “That’s what matters. You like me. I like you. You don’t need to explain why you feel a way and you can’t fake how you feel. I know you.” The expression on Paige’s face is unbelievably fond and you can’t help yourself when you smile, your cheeks heating up. “See?” Paige says with a grin, poking your cheek. “Can’t fake that blush, ma.”

“You’re impossible,” you huff, pushing her hand away, unable to curb your grin. But your rejection does little to stop Paige. Her hands find your sides, tickling you, and you immediately begin squirming in the midst of your giggles. “Paige! You are so annoying—!”

You lose your balance on the swing and you fall off, tumbling safely to the bed of snow beneath you with a slight oof sound. Paige follows you down, the both of you smiling as you try to catch your breaths. She wipes a tear off your cheek that had slipped out in your fits of laughter and it’s only then that you register your position. She’s straddling you, the beanie on her head lopsided from your scuffle, but the joy on her face is radiant despite the blush on her cheeks — whether it’s from the cold or her feelings for you, you don’t know, and when her hand lingers on her cheek, her expression softening, you find that you don’t care. “Paige,” you murmur. You feel your heart slamming against your ribcage, but for different reasons now. 

“Can I kiss you?” she blurts. Judging by the way her face contorts, it seems that she hadn’t expected to say that out loud, but you’re nodding, hands reaching up to grip the collar of her coat and you bring her down to your level. 

When your lips meet, you feel warm all over, like you’re not laying in the snow with Paige’s legs bracketing your thighs. It’s tentative, uncoordinated, and it’s clear that neither of you really know what you’re doing, but it’s your first kiss and it’s with Paige and it’s nothing short of perfect. Your lips move against hers slowly, her hands gentle on your cheeks. Your grip on her coat loosens, wrapping around her neck and pulling her a little closer to you. Her nose brushes against yours and you gasp from the chill of it, which causes her to sigh against you. You’re not really sure who’s leading, but for once, your brain is blissfully quiet; your heart pounds, feeling nothing but a nervous excitement and unfiltered adoration.

You break away for air. Your breaths mingle, clouds of steam fogging between you two and Paige grins down at you, her expression full of fondness and something electric that makes you want to drag her back down again. So you do, your hands a little more insistent this time, and she responds eagerly. Despite the intensity, Paige is unbelievably gentle and each and every press of her lips against yours is sweet. And it’s corny, but your brain feels a little clearer after having Paige’s lips on yours, like you no longer have to search for answers. Like she’s the answer.

She pulls away, her forehead against yours, and you press a gentle kiss to her cheek. Her eyes open slowly, a blush and a smile simultaneously appearing on her face in response. “What was that for?” she asks.

You smile, shrugging a little in response. “It felt right,” you respond, which only seems to make her smile grow. “Someone once told me I don’t always have to have an explanation.”

Paige huffs out a quiet laugh, her eyes crinkling in amusement and fondness. “They sound really smart,” she jokes. 

Your hand finds her cheek, your thumb stroking her dimple. “She is,” you say seriously. Paige’s expression softens, leaning into your touch. “She’s the best person I know.”

“I bet she thinks the same about you,” Paige whispers. 

Despite yourself, you grin, connecting your lips again. The chill nips at your cheeks but the weight of Paige on top of you grounds you, her warmth stabilizing and comforting, and you know in your heart that you’re doing something right.

New Year’s comes and goes and before you know it, school is starting back up in January. Between you and Paige, a lot of things stay the same. She still drives you to school in the morning, often stopping by Dunkin’ and buying you your favorite coffee. On days she doesn’t have practice, she’ll either drive you home or take you to her place where you either work on homework together (although you don’t get much done, most of the time) or binge television together. Paige has you invested in Grey’s Anatomy now, but the two of you have promised to not watch it without the other.

On the other hand, some things do change. Paige walks you to all of your classes now, even when hers aren’t anywhere near yours. Arguing with her was useless, so you learned to suck it up. She kisses you in the empty hallways, something chaste and sweet and sneaky that leaves you wanting more – that was a new thing. Before her, you never realized how nice kissing can be. You’re sure it’s mostly because you’re super into her regardless, but there’s also something about the casual intimacy that you fall for each and every time. She’s gentle and considerate and you’re just so hopelessly attracted to her that you really should have known that kissing her for the first time would alter your brain chemistry. For now, the two of you are content to appreciate the peace and the privacy that you have. Neither of you tell your friends or your family, though you’re sure Mack and Serena are starting to have their suspicions. They’ve asked you a few times, and while you’re not a very good liar, they seem to accept your rejections as they are and they don’t push any further.

Although you do have one, teensy-tiny problem. Paige hasn’t asked you to be her girlfriend yet. You’re not sure how you’re supposed to feel about that, but there is a lingering nervousness and you’re a little hesitant to ask her about it without sounding obsessive or clingy or insecure. In mid-December, you established that you liked each other, although neither of you really did much about that until you kissed in late-December after Christmas. Did kissing her mean the two of you were dating now? Since then, the two of you have kissed a lot. It reminds you of the scene from Glee where Brittany says, ‘Sex isn’t dating. If it was, Santana and I would be dating,’ and granted, while having sex and just kissing are two different things, you’re starting to feel a little worried by the fact that you and Paige are conventionally girlfriends but not technically.

You convince yourself that maybe you and Paige were just being mature about it. High school relationships have almost redefined what dating actually means. You can’t just ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend and then start the ‘dating period’ per se. You should probably do the ‘dating period’ first and then make it official once you’ve figured out if you’re compatible. You and Paige, however, have been friends for a little over three months, been in this weird ‘dating’ phase for a little less than one month of that time, and by now you’re pretty certain that you and Paige are very compatible. She’s your best friend. But you really want to make it official with her. You’re just not sure how or if she’s on the same page yet.

Making it official with Paige also means making it official to your parents. That thought doesn’t intimidate you as much as it used to. You’re a lot more comfortable in your sexuality now. You’re pretty much head over heels for Paige, you like girls, and you couldn’t care less about boys. Whether that makes you a lesbian or Paige-sexual as Paige had cracked herself up calling it is a discussion for another day. You’re secure in the fact that Paige’s parents aren’t going to care, that your parents won’t mind, either, and that your classmates are worried more about themselves than whoever you of all people are dating. Being out just means you don’t have to stress about sneaking around or if someone’s going to walk into the girl’s bathroom when you’re making out with Paige. Not that you make out with Paige in the girl’s bathroom, because that would just be kind of insane. But hypothetically if you were making out with Paige in the girl’s bathroom, then you wouldn’t have to be scared of getting caught by a classmate. Hypothetically.

The first Friday night home game after winter break is one that you were looking forward to. You knew the Royals were playing a weaker team, so you were excited to see Paige show out, especially after getting to witness first-hand a lot of the effort she’d put into honing her skills over the break. She gave you a ride to school, forced you into her hoodie (yes, the one with her jersey number and her last name on the back and yes, you didn’t really need to be convinced, but you really liked the warmth of her hands on your skin as she helped you into it), and kissed you over the center console of her stepmom’s SUV. It was enough to short circuit your brain. You didn’t need to see her expression to know the reaction she’d elicited from you had made her incredibly smug, but you could visualize it all the same as she made her way to the locker room with her duffle bag slung over her shoulder. Paige Bueckers was going to be the death of you. That much you were sure of.

She’s pure electricity that night. You knew the game was going to be a blowout, but this was next level. If you weren’t so distracted by Paige and the way she was slicing through their defense, you would probably feel bad for the other team. She was putting up insane numbers – 15 points in the first quarter alone, six assists – but she was doing her thing on defense, too. She was clamping the offense, forcing their shots to bounce harmlessly off the rim, and late in the second quarter, she even had a clean block that ricocheted off of the offense and awarded the Royals with the ball. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of her. Judging by the glances she’d shoot your way anytime they’d line up for free throws, you’re positive that she knew of your evident distraction, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to be ashamed by it. Watching Paige play was a source of pride for you. She was so good at it and she works so hard everyday to show up and show out. It honestly makes you a little emotional in a good way. You’re just proud of her, of her successes. You admire her dedication and her love for the spot, the care she puts in day in and day out to be the best.

Once the game ends, you make your way out of the crowded gym and out to her mom’s SUV, starting the ignition and settling into the passenger seat. You knew that Paige would have a long line of people to greet and that she was adamant about showering before getting anywhere near you after a game. As much as you would love to see her and hang out right after, the both of you knew that you wouldn’t be able to get in a word edgewise. This arrangement, however, did have its positives. The two of you cherished the time you got to spend alone without dozens of eyes on you and you appreciated being able to speak freely. You pull out your phone, scrolling through social media as you wait for Paige.

She doesn’t keep you waiting too long. You spot her walking your direction, bag slung over her shoulder again and her hair thrown up in a loose bun. She’s illuminated by the streetlight but you know well enough by now that the glow on her face is from the sweetness of the win. You smile, your heart thrumming a kind of anticipation that only Paige has ever been able to draw from you. She opens the driver’s side door, sliding in with a happy grin, and tosses her bag into the backseat before she’s leaning over the center console with a murmured greeting, planting an easy kiss on your cheek. You don’t fight the heat on your cheeks, your smile growing bigger when her hand finds yours.

“Good game, superstar,” you tease, relishing in the bashful smile that overtakes her face.

“Thank you,” she says. She gives your hand a gentle squeeze, her eyes finding yours. “There was a pretty girl in the stands. I had to show out for her.”

“Oh?” you ask, feigning curiosity. “Where is she? Not just anyone captures the Paige Bueckers’s eye.”

Paige grins at you again, mischievous and wicked and fond all at the same time. “She’s right where she needs to be,” she retorts, which makes your smile soften into something more tender. “You’re right, though. She’s not just anyone. She’s kind, and funny, and smart, and she’s got this heart of gold. And she’s got this smile that makes you weak in the knees and she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”

“Get a grip,” you say, trying to regain your dignity and trying to ignore the blush on your cheeks to the best of your ability. Judging by the way Paige’s smile turns smug, you don’t think it’s working. “You know I like you. You don’t have to woo me.”

“I do,” Paige insists, finally giving you a moment of reprieve when she puts the vehicle in drive and begins making her way out of the parking lot. Once the two of you became friendly and you started showing up to more of her games, a trip out to Dairy Queen became your post-game tradition. She’d buy the two of you a blizzard and she’d park in a quiet, empty lot while you chatted for what felt like minutes but would quickly turn into hours. You know the night’s only over when your spoon hits the bottom of your cup and Paige starts losing her filter. Now, it’s something that you look forward to. “Gotta keep you on your toes. Romance is lifelong, baby. You don’t stop once you got the girl.”

You can’t stop your sudden laughter, amused by her antics. “You got the girl?”

She shoots you an indignant look. “Don’t play. You know I got it like that. I’m all romantical and shit.”

“Total lady killer,” you deadpan. “I’m swooning.”

“You will be,” she agrees. “You make fun of me now but you keep on comin’ back. You just can’t resist Paige Buckets.”

“Maybe I just feel bad for you.” Paige huffs at this, but a smile is quirking on her face. “And nobody calls you Paige Buckets.”

“I do,” she retorts. “Which makes it real. I think therefore I am. That’s Shakespeare.”

“It’s not – you know what? Sure,” you snort, knowing full well that the two of you will sit here for hours arguing about it. “Don’t quit basketball.”

Paige smirks at you as she pulls into the Dairy Queen drive-thru. “Never,” she affirms, only looking away from you when the speaker crackles to life. Paige rattles off your orders (knowing yours by heart, which doesn’t make you feel a little soft) and pulls forward when requested. You make light small talk while you wait for your ice creams and Paige pays – as always; you’d tried once and she confiscated your card until she dropped you off at your house. Then she’s driving off in search of the parking lot you always chill at, her ice cream in the cup holder, her hands firmly on the wheel and eyes on the road. You feed her bites of yours when she stops at red lights, the sheer domesticity of it all feeling so right.

When the vehicle is safely in park, she moves the seat back a few inches, stretching out her legs as one of her playlists echoes through the speakers, a mix of The Weeknd, Brent Faiyaz, and Bryson Tiller. The energy in the car, mellowed out and calmer, still sparks with a sort of electricity that always encompasses you and Paige. Her smiles feel a little looser, more purposeful, and her eyes linger on your face when she looks at you. You talk about everything and nothing, recounting the game and Paige’s insane plays, the homework you’ve neglected to make the most of this time with her, and the date she was taking you on tomorrow night. You’re both nearing the bottoms of your cups, spoons scraping against plastic, and with a soft smile, she offers you the last bite of hers. Her thumb swipes at your bottom lip to clean a bit of ice cream that had run astray. It makes your heart beat a little faster. Paige always had this uncanny ability to make you nervous, to make all of your neurons fire at the same time. You came to the realization long ago that you were hopelessly attracted to her, but it’s times like these that remind you of just how magnetic she is.

The two of you have been here for over an hour now. A glance at the clock tells you that it’s nearing midnight. It always surprises you how easy it is to pass time with Paige. You know that it’s time for the both of you to start making your way home, but Paige doesn’t make any move to shift the car into gear, and you honestly don’t want the moment to end either. You also know that Paige is reaching the end of her sensibilities, her laughs a little brighter and delirious, her fingers restless in how they twist the ring on your thumb.

“You okay?” you ask her, wondering if there’s something that’s keeping her here, if she needs you to drive home or if there’s something else weighing on her. She meets your eyes, a tender smile on her face, her expression soft and sleepy and enamored.

“I’m perfect,” she whispers. “Can we just…sit here a little longer?” The last part is even quieter, if that was at all possible, and you nod. Her fingers tangle with yours fully. And then she starts rambling. “‘M really glad Mr. Mattson partnered us up for that project,” she admits. “It brought me to you. I’on know if I woulda had the courage to talk to you otherwise.”

You giggle, a little in disbelief. “You, nervous?” you repeat. “No way.”

Paige nods emphatically, completely serious. “Yes way. You’re…you’re beautiful, you know that? Like scary beautiful. Like make a girl get super rich during Prohibition, build a mansion, and yearn for you from afar beautiful.”

She grins at you as you roll your eyes. “You are so full of it.”

“And yet,” she murmurs, her thumb rubbing soothing circles across your knuckles, “you put up with me, anyway.” You nod, conceding, and she continues. “Point is, you kinda make me nervous. In a good way. I just… I feel like I need to impress you and do right by you. Guess what I’m tryin’ to say is you make me be the best version of myself. And I, you know, I really like doing this with you.”

You smile softly and squeeze her hand. “I like doing this with you, too,” you admit, drawing a smile from Paige.

Then, she’s shifting in her seat, angling her body towards yours, and her face is pensive, like she’s debating with herself internally. You almost ask her if she’s okay but her next words steal the very breath from your lungs. “Will you be my girlfriend?” she says, and your jaw drops slightly, unsure if you’ve even heard her correctly. Then, she’s sighing, clearing her throat and trying again. “I mean, can I be your girlfriend?” The clarification does little to calm the thumping of your heart. The words get stuck in your throat, emotions swirling through you. Excitement. Relief. Anticipation. An overwhelming amount of affection. Paige seems to mistake your stunned silence for rejection because she starts rambling again. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I had this whole thing planned out and it was supposed to be really romantic. I was gonna ask you at dinner tomorrow, like I already called the restaurant and I was gonna get you a slice of cheesecake because you hate the other kind of cake and it was gonna have the, you know, the question on it and I wrote you a letter ‘cause I can’t talk around you, and–”

You curl your fingers in the fabric of her hoodie and you pull her across the center console,  shutting her up with a kiss. She relaxes instantly, melting into your embrace as her hands find your hips, trying to minimize the space between your bodies. She breaks away, huffing because the center console is in her fucking way, and before you know it, she’s lifting you by your waist and drops you on her lap, kissing you again with a different kind of urgency that’s equal parts relief, gratitude, and so much unrestrained fondness. You wrap your arms around her neck, trying to angle your kiss so you can regain some control because her pace and intensity is honestly making you a little dizzy.

When you run out of air, you plant both of your hands on her chest, pulling away from her with considerable difficulty. You have to stop yourself from kissing her again because you know you’re not going to get another word out. You lean back, smiling when you take in the unmistakable shine in her eyes, the dopey grin on her lips. Your noses brush when you finally respond with a simple, “Yes.”

“Yeah?” she repeats, her arms looping around your waist to hold you a little closer to her body. She looks up at you, her happiness evident, and you can’t stop yourself from leaning in to plant one more lingering kiss to her mouth, humming an affirmative. “Knew you’d say yes. I’m irresistible.”

You pull away from her to laugh in disbelief. “Okay, I see how you’re forgetting the whole ���I wrote you a letter ‘cause I can’t talk around you’ business. Which, by the way, I wanna see, but you’re so lucky you’re cute because you’re kind of a loser.”

“Loser?” she exclaims, indignant. “Nah, that’s actually crazy!”

“No! Like, you’re this badass athlete and you just dropped like 40 points–”

“43,” she cuts in.

“–40 points tonight and you’re over here nervous about asking me to be your girlfriend–”

“I wanted it to be perfect! It was gonna be perfect but you looked so pretty and I couldn’t wait!”

“Babe,” you say, laughing under your breath, your expression fond as you cup her cheeks, drawing her eyes up to yours. “It’s perfect because it’s us, okay? Us, cramped in your mom’s Honda Pilot, our half melted Dairy Queen and your freaky ass R&B.”

“S’not freaky,” she huffs, but you don’t pay her any mind.

“This was perfect,” you reiterate, your voice softening. Paige exhales under you, taking your words to heart. “Being with you is perfect. But is the cheesecake still on the table for tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Paige says, a furrow in her brow. “Just pretend to be surprised when it comes out.” You hum against her again, kissing her cheek, and she squeezes your waist a little, her voice suddenly a lot more nervous. “Uh, what does this mean for us? I mean…like our parents?”

You’re surprised by how calm you are by the question. You play with the stray hairs at the back of her neck, shrugging an unbothered shoulder. “You wanna tell them?” you ask her.

“I wanna do what you want,” she deflects.

“I want you to answer my question,” you retort.

Paige rolls her eyes, amused. “I would…like to be out. With them, at least. I’on wanna hide forever…but I know this is still kinda new for you. And we don’t have to do nothin’ serious at school, either. Seriously. Whatever you want.” Her hands are warm as they slip under your – her – hoodie, and the touch makes you feel more grounded.

“We can tell them tomorrow?” you offer, hesitant, but when Paige’s face lights up, you know you’ve made the right choice. “As for school, I think I wanna enjoy this while it’s still ours, you know? Just us. I wouldn’t mind being public eventually but I do mind the attention. I guess what I mean is we can be out but I don’t want everyone in our business.”

“Private, not a secret?” she asks, and you nod, relieved because she understands exactly what you were trying to say. “That works for me. And we can tell our parents tomorrow before we go out? Together?”

“Together,” you confirm, a smile lighting up your features.

She leans in to kiss you again, her own smile growing against your lips. Her nose brushes yours when she draws back enough to speak. “Just want you,” she promises. “Nothing else matters to me. Other people, the internet, nothing. Just lemme know how you’re feeling and we’ll handle it, okay?”

“Promise,” you swear. Paige grins at you again, drawing you in for a hug. You sit there in her arms for a while before you find your way back to the passenger seat and she drives the two of you back home.

She bids you a goodnight in the car, pressing one last lingering kiss to your lips before you stand on your porch to unlock the door. She doesn’t drive off until you’re safely inside. When you’re finally in your room, you don’t take the hoodie off, comforted by Paige’s scent encompassing you, and you fall asleep with an unshakable happiness in your heart and a smile on your face.

(The next day, you and Paige tell your parents, officially. You start with the Bueckers’ first and it goes as well as you were expecting. You and your girlfriend sat them down, explaining, we’re dating and we’re very happy. Moe gave the two of you comforting smiles, but Bob cleared his throat and admitted, “Uh…yeah, we saw you kiss on the Ring doorbell.” You wanted to crawl into a hole and die, to be honest, but Moe and Bob pulled the both of you into hugs and promised that as long as you and Paige were safe and happy, then they were happy for you.

Then, it was time for your family, and you were a little nervous. Granted, they had no idea that you liked girls, let alone would date one. Their reaction was basically the same as the Bueckers’, informing you that they had their suspicions since you and Paige were glued at the hip and that your little brother told them that he was pretty sure he almost saw the two of you kiss almost a month and a half ago. That was objectively worse than the Bueckers’ catching you on the ring doorbell. You were correct in assuming they’d make you keep your door open when Paige is over. And judging by the slightly horrified expression on Paige’s face when your dad finishes talking to her in private, you’re pretty sure he gave her the shovel talk of the century.

And, just so it’s absolutely clear, the date that Paige takes you on that evening is the best date you’ve ever been on – so far. She brings you flowers, pulls your chair out for you, and enchants you all night long with easy conversation. When the waitress brings out your slice of cheesecake with Will you be my girlfriend? written in strawberry puree, you sell your surprise and performance so well that the waitress brings out a second slice, chocolate flavored just for Paige. You’re sure that the night couldn’t get any better, but before she drops you off at home, she reads that damn letter to you and you can’t stop the happy tears. She kisses you goodnight, her expression adoring, and you know that you have the best girlfriend in the world.)

The rest of junior year passes in a blur. You’re the happiest you’ve been in your entire life, your grades are phenomenal, and Paige leads her team to a blowout state championship win. As if that wasn’t electrifying enough, she signed with the University of Connecticut the week after the tournament ended on April 19th. Your girlfriend was officially a Husky and would bleed blue for her college career. You couldn’t help but be overwhelmingly proud of her – playing for UConn has been her life goal, hoping to cement her name as one of the greats next to Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Maya Moore. While you couldn’t get into UConn with as much ease as she did, UConn would be the first school you submitted your application for once October rolled around. You weren’t sure who was more excited – you or Paige – at the prospect of going to college together, but what you did know was that you couldn’t wait to cheer her on as she took the world by storm.

With the harder parts of the school year long gone, the time for prom came around in late April. Paige secured your tickets as soon as they went on sale and was dead set on making it the best night of your life. She prom-posed to you with what was possibly the cheesiest sign in the world: it was decorated with lopsided basketballs (although you appreciated the fact that Paige made her sign completely homemade) and read ‘Together, we’re a slam dunk. Take a shot at prom with me?’ and there was no way in hell you’d ever say no to something like that. It took you less than four hours to find the perfect dress, although you spent a week with Paige travelling from mall to boutique to find the perfect thing for her to wear. Dress shopping with Paige proved to be a difficult task, especially for someone who seemed to hate dresses as much as she did. When you suggested she just wear a pair of jeans and a nice shirt, she nearly lost her mind in the middle of the store.

“What kind of date wears jeans and a shirt to prom?” she’d exclaimed, rifling through the dress racks, beginning to ramble. “No, ‘cause that actually pisses me off. Like, you see all these girls walkin’ around in these pretty dresses, make up done to the nines, and their boyfriends can’t even be bothered to iron their shirts?”

“I want you to be comfortable,” you said to her. “What you’re wearing won’t matter to me. You know that.”

She huffed, pulling a black dress off the rack and holding it to her torso, glancing in the mirror with a pensive expression. “It matters to me. I can’t be caught dead next to you lookin’ like an idiot.”

“Well…” you trailed off, much to her chagrin, and she pouted at you dramatically as you laughed. “Get that one,” you advised. “It won’t be super tight on you so you’ll have some breathing room. And I like the way your arms will look in it.” When she tried it on, you walked in on her in the dressing room flexing in the mirror, and, well, you were right.

With the dress debacle out of the way, that meant you had to consider other factors, like your matching corsages and dinner beforehand. Those were slightly less intimidating decisions to make. Paige knew next to nothing about flowers and her only demand was “they have to look nice,” so you found the corsages. You weren’t paying for dinner and Paige knew your likes and dislikes like the back of her hand, so she handled the reservations and promised she wouldn’t dirty Moe’s SUV if the two of you could borrow it for the night. All that was left was prom itself and considering it would be your first and you don’t get another junior prom, you were incredibly excited for it.

Dinner was nice – it would have been hard to fuck up since Paige chose a restaurant she knew you liked and it was hard to not enjoy your time with her anyhow. She serenaded you as she drove, belting Keyshia Cole’s Love like she was a contestant on The Voice. And, sure, it was incredibly off-key and her voice cracked during the vocal flips on “I found,” but you couldn’t help your endearment for her. Making you laugh was one of the things she was a master at. You arrived at the school in good spirits, turned in your tickets without an issue, and entered the gym with high hopes.

The music is thumping, echoing throughout the gym. You can feel the bass in the floor and your body almost immediately vibrates from the noise. Paige curses lightly under her breath, her hand finding yours with a wince, and she glances at you curiously, a simple you okay? visible in her eyes. You nod and she leads you over to the drink table where she gives the two-liter soda bottle a cursory sniff before pouring it in a red solo cup for you. You remember hearing that last year’s prom got cancelled early because someone spiked the punch bowl, which is why they shifted to pouring directly from plastic bottles, but you could never be too sure and you appreciated Paige for her protectiveness.

As you drink, you take in the decorations. The student council was tasked with setting everything up – deciding on the theme, ordering the decorations, putting them up. As you glance around the packed gym, your eyes taking in the streamers and the lights (you pretend that you don’t notice a section of lights that have already been ripped down), you determine that you really can’t tell what the prom theme is supposed to be. A girl and her date pass by you in a 20s flapper dress and a wrinkled button up with Timbs, of all shoes; then you’re passed by a girl wearing polka dots and her date in a graphic t-shirt. You’re getting a lot of mixed signals right now.

“Wanna dance?” Paige asks you and you nod, throwing your cup away, allowing your girlfriend to lead you to an emptier section of the gym. For a while, you’re not really sure what’s playing until the bass drop is over and you realize it’s some remixed version of Zedd’s Clarity. You glance around, watching people dance. There’s a group of students towards the front of the gym near the DJ stand jumping up and down like it’s a mosh pit. There’s another section of people bobbing their heads and moving stiffly. To your right, there’s a group swaying, their phones raised as they capture the moment.

“This is not what I thought prom would be,” you comment off-handedly to Paige, who’s halfheartedly shimmying. 

She shrugs a shoulder, reaching out for your hands with a smile and pulling you closer to her, making sure to leave room for Jesus, as she’d once joked. “We can make our own fun,” she yells over the thump of the music. She drags you into an awkward, uncoordinated and off-rhythm shimmy-dance-shake thing, but her smile is infectious enough that you’re throwing all caution to the wind as you allow her to lead you. You laugh along with her for the remainder of the song before you’re joined by a few of her teammates and their dates. Paige introduces you and together, the small group of you dance to a few more songs. You take a few group photos in varying poses, then find some snacks, and you burn another half hour dancing before the pain in your feet gets to be too much and the music starts giving you a headache.

You don’t want to be a buzzkill, but you have to admit that prom is a weird mix of overwhelming and lackluster. It’s a lot better with friends, though; the short period of time you spent with Paige’s teammates was invigorating but there’s just not a lot to do that’s not eating, dancing, taking photos, or watching people try to dance. You intertwine your fingers with Paige’s, drawing her attention and whispering in her ear about needing air. She nods, leading you towards the door and snagging another drink for you on the way out. The cool breeze and the peace does wonders for you.

“I’on wanna ruin your night,” Paige begins, a little sheepish, “but was this kinda…”

“Lame?” you supply, watching the relief spread across Paige’s face.

“Yeah,” she agrees. You offer her a sip of the soda and she takes it gratefully, holding onto the cup for you as you toe off your heels, lowering yourself to the sidewalk and taking a seat. You stretch out your legs, sighing when the pressure in your feet is alleviated. “Wanna get Dairy Queen after this?”

You groan, leaning your head onto hers as she wraps an arm around your shoulders. “Like you even have to ask,” you murmur, appreciative of the peace. Paige chuckles, her thumb rubbing against your shoulder. The two of you sit there for a while soaking it all in before the music inside dies down. You can hear the echo of the DJ as he tells everyone to partner up for the slow dance. Paige sets your cup on the ground, removing her arm and standing up. You glance at her as she extends her hand for you to take.

“May I have this dance?” she asks, and you laugh, unable to say no. You allow her to pull you to your feet as the opening notes of Taylor Swift’s Crazier bleed through the gym walls. She navigates you both to the grass, your feet bare against the cool ground, and she wraps her arms around your waist as yours go around her neck.

I'd never gone with the wind, just let it flow

Let it take me where it wants to go

The two of you sway, the sound of chirping crickets serving as the perfect background to the gentle hum of the music through the walls. Her hands are warm on your side, her chin pressed to the top of your head, your face cradled gently against her chest. If you were being honest, this is probably the most content you’ve been since dinner – being alone with Paige has a way of cheering you up.

I was trying to fly, but I couldn't find wings

But you came along and you changed everything

Paige starts humming the lyrics, the vibrations of her voice soothing you as you follow her lead. Your fingers smooth some of the flyaway strands at the back of her neck, hands mapping the expanse of her toned shoulders, content to just feel her and relish in this tender, unexpecting intimacy.

You lift my feet off the ground

You spin me around

You make me crazier, crazier

It’s then that you’re hit with a gentle realization, the lyrics resonating with you. You and Paige have been together for close to four months at this point, although it feels closer to five months since you admitted your feelings to her back in late December. Every day since then has been full of nothing but pure enjoyment, a whole lot of care, and some of the best times of your life. Paige has this way of always making you smile, even when the day gets hard, this way of making you feel so appreciated and cared for. You’re young and you really weren’t expecting her to come into your life the way she did, but you really can’t deny this overflow of emotion that you feel when she’s around. You know exactly why you feel this way.

You lift your head off her chest, your hands resting on the tops of her shoulders as you pull back far enough to look her in the eye. She gazes at you curiously, her thumbs rubbing soothing circles against your hips, and you can’t help your smile as you kiss her tenderly. She responds, pulling you flush against her, and you know that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

“What was that for?” she whispers, an enamored little grin on her face, cheeks bright with a blush.

You don’t hesitate. “I just love you,” you confess.

You expect her to freeze up. You expect her jaw to go slack, to ask you to repeat what you said. Love wasn’t something you should just drop so casually – the both of you knew that. But Paige’s smile only grows, a lone dimple popping out as her eyes shine under the streetlight. She cups your cheeks in her hands and leans down to kiss you again. It’s soft, barely-there brushes that you can still feel in your heart; her lips ask you a simple question that you can’t help but answer. You lean into it, into the love that has built between the two of you over the months you’ve been together and the months you’ll be together in the future, into the shared promise of I’m yours.

“I love you,” Paige whispers, punctuating her words with a squeeze. “So much.”

You smile against her lips, letting her pull you back in. The music fades into nothing, your focus entirely on Paige, on the way her lips move against yours, the way her hands cradle your face, the way she loves you. You’ve given your heart over to her completely and she cherishes it like it’s her own. Sometimes, there are things you’re just born knowing, and right now, you know that everything in your life has led you to being here now, to being Paige’s. You couldn’t think of anything better than that.

SENIOR YEAR – 2019-2020

Senior year is the beginning of the end.

You and Paige spend summer break attached at the hip, but not overbearingly so. You’d gotten a part-time job mostly to make some extra money and to make your resume look a little better, so you were occupied by that four days a week. Paige, on the other hand, was spending extra time in the gym and running drills with private trainers and coaches. She was committed to one of the best colleges in the country for basketball – summer was not the time to be slacking off. It was the time for her to get better, stronger, faster; if you wanted to celebrate with the best, you had to be the best, and Paige turned that pressure into motivation.

Above all else, you still made time for each other, even when she was exhausted from practicing and you wanted to crawl into a hole and die because food service sucks (seriously, you were a cashier – what makes people think you of all people fucked up their food? Your job was to hit buttons and ask if they wanted fries with that). At the heart of it, you and Paige were each other’s remedies. You were a source of peace, comfort, and relaxation. Honestly, much of the time the two of you shared over the summer was spent napping, but you weren’t going to complain. You were busy and she was busy and you’d take whatever you could get, even if that meant being the big spoon every other night.

Things weren’t harder by any means. They weren’t any easier, but they were just different. You had to get used to managing your time, learn how to effectively maintain a relationship when the only time you really get to see each other is once or twice a week (and when Paige is snoring for most of it). You’d argue that this is just making the two of you stronger. The two of you would only be busier in college. Now is the time for growing up and realizing that you couldn’t reasonably spend every waking moment together, as much as you would like to. You were fine, Paige was fine, the two of you communicated, and you were very happy.

Well, there was one slight issue.

Following Paige’s commitment, your Instagram messages and comments had been blowing up. It started small. There were joking comments (or so you’d hoped) with messages of ‘You better not distract Paige next season!’ and their variations. It all ramped up from there. Trolls accusing you of only dating Paige because she’d become a millionaire once she’s in college, accusing you of keeping her out of the gym. Someone even said that UConn wouldn’t win a national championship anytime soon considering their starting point guard would be too busy playing the part of a doting girlfriend.

You won’t lie. All of the comments and the messages were really heavy. Here you were, barely 18 and you had crazy fans of varying age levels all in your business and saying awful things. There were comments you wouldn’t even dream of repeating. You talked to Paige about it and she’d held you as you cried. It was less of the content, but it was more about the spam and the constant onslaught and the amount of people tearing you down for no good reason. Paige posted on her socials requesting for people to leave you alone. While there was an outcry of support from the kinder folk, you’d somehow gotten even more harassment in your messages. You eventually caved and privated all of your accounts, scrubbing the nasty comments and trying to go about your life.

The damage had already been done.

Senior year was supposed to be your best year thus far, yet everything was bleak. It was nowhere close to the academic rigor of your junior year, but you were taking a few more dual enrollment classes and a lone AP, which means you were spending a lot more of your time studying so your grades wouldn’t slip. You ended up having to drop one of your clubs, too. You were less upset about that one considering it wasn’t doing a lot for you anyways. The fact that everything started piling up and you had to make all of these ultimatums was weighing on you.

Paige was incredibly busy, too. Coming off of a championship win from the year before, her coach was determined to get them back there again this year. Practices were longer, more grueling, and as if those weren’t enough, Paige was spending more time in the gym alone to get shots in and run drills, like she had something to prove. Maybe she did. She needed to show that she wasn’t an overrated high school player, that Geno Auriemma didn’t make a mistake in recruiting her. She needed to prove that she has what it takes to go from a high school championship contending team to a collegiate championship contending team. Combined with her own classwork, she was running out of time to devote to you, so the two of you were honestly just stuck.

The time you did get to spend with one another never felt like it was enough. You tried your best to fit in dates that had nothing to do with school or basketball, just the two of you. You loved each other. You would go through worse things than this, and you were dedicated to making it work, damn it. You communicated – or tried to, at least. You could tell Paige was under a lot of pressure, you knew her well enough by now. Anytime you brought it up, she’d always say that she’s just tired or that she needs to lock in because the pressure is only going to increase when she’s in college. You tried to help, but you just didn’t know how, and you were terrified of pushing her too far. She didn’t need you to be this clingy, obsessed girlfriend who can’t function without her, and maybe you were worried about becoming too much, too. It’s just a hard pill to swallow when you go from being all over each other in junior year to whatever the fuck this is now. You have to remind yourself that you and Paige need the space to be your own people. You’re changing, she’s changing, and you can’t hold onto a past version of her – if you force her to be something she’s not, you’ll just lose her, and that’s not something you can stomach. So you take her word for it, letting her be her own person, even if it feels like you’re still losing a battle you could never have won in the first place.

Growing up is hard, isn’t it? 

And it’s weird – because it’s not like everything is bad. There’s a lot of good times, too. Paige still drives you home after her games, making sure to stop at Dairy Queen, making sure to fit in some time at that parking lot just to chat with you. Sometimes it gets a little heavy when she’s a few hours past delirious and her kisses become a little more insistent, sloppier against your skin and you both have to remember to chill out because your first time is not about to be in the backseat of her stepmom’s Honda Pilot. She still smiles at you like you’re her everything, because you are. It’s hard, but she moves mountains to make time for you, even if that just means spending the night at your house and in your arms and you do nothing but sleep because you’re both just exhausted from life.

You still wear her hoodie, the one with her number and her name on the back and the one that’s starting to smell like the perfect blend of the two of you. You leave your clothes at her house and she leaves hers at yours. You and Paige integrate so seamlessly into each other’s lives that the slow-forming rift between the two of you is unexpected when it eventually cracks, sending the two of you tumbling into a bottomless chasm. Somehow, you miss it entirely — the fractures, the shifting of tectonic plates. Maybe the hard truth is you don’t miss it at all, but you ignore it in hopes that you can patch up the lacerations. 

But that rift doesn’t actualize for another few months, for for now — you’re fine. Unknowing of what’s ahead of you, too busy and too in love to focus on anything but the present. 

The holidays are a much needed reprieve. Thanksgiving and Christmas back to back means your classwork finally lessens and Paige isn’t spending every waking moment in the gym. That doesn’t mean that she didn’t try to spend every waking moment in the gym, though. On the very first day of Thanksgiving break, you could feel her shifting around in your bed at an hour that was definitely not appropriate. She was apologetic for waking you up and said that she just wanted to get some shots in before the local rec teams took over the courts. You weren’t having any of it. Half-asleep, you’d dragged her back into bed with you, climbing on top of her and resting your head on her chest, murmuring nonsense about missing her. The details are fuzzy, but you do remember waking up some hours later after the sun finally rose and Paige was still in bed with you, her arms wrapped tight around your waist.

Spending so much uninterrupted time over break reminded you why you fell in love with Paige in the first place. It wasn’t like you were starved of reminders while you were both in school – she texted you good morning (although this was anywhere from 5-6am) and she texted you good night (anywhere from 12-1am); the knowledge that you were the first and the last thing on her mind made your heart race. She walked you to and from your classes, carried your bag for you, but it was that time outside of school that you were truly missing with her.

When you brush your teeth together in the morning, she flicks water at you teasingly and wipes the foam off your lip when you miss a spot. She’ll sit atop the counter and watch as you do your skincare or your makeup with an enamored look on her face. Most days, she allows you to do her mascara or apply some new skin cream on her face, although the latter usually ends with Paige whining about how it burns and you reminding her that just means it’s working. You spend time with each other’s family, you go on dates, open presents at each other’s house, and a few days after Christmas, she takes you back to the park where you’d shared your first kiss. It’s not your one year anniversary since Paige was, ugh, a gentlewoman and “courted” you (well, as well as high schoolers can “court”) prior to making it official, but it’s close enough for you. The realization that you’ve shared your life with Paige for a year fills you with an indescribable emotion and all you really know is you can’t wait to share more and more years with her.

After New Year’s, everything shifts again. You get busy with school and Paige locks back in for basketball. Her team has been undefeated the entire year and they’re on the right track to make it back to the championship, which seems to ignite a fire under her. She spends her time in the gym, practicing and practicing and practicing. You can tell it’s wearing on her. Her texts become sparse and you often find yourself making your way to the gym at night just so you can drive her home. When you ask why she’s burning herself out like this, her response is always a variation of I need to be better or We’re so close – I can’t let the team down but you know her. You know she’s not telling you the complete truth and that kills you.

What had you done so wrong that Paige doesn’t trust you with her feelings anymore? What had you done so wrong that you’ve forced her into locking herself in the gym until her fingers bleed and her feet blister? Perhaps if you were a little more online, you’d understand why. Between the trolls and your mass amounts of homework, you hardly had the time for Instagram. You don’t see the comments under Paige’s posts, claiming you’d just be a distraction in college. You don’t see the comments arguing that Paige’s uncharacteristic performance in a recent game is your fault.

It’s in mid-February that you grow tired of the overthinking and the ache that’s made its home in your chest. It’s nearing midnight but you can’t sleep. You’ve been staring at Paige’s location on the Find My map for nearly four hours now – she’s been on the court ever since practice ended. You tried to give her space. You didn’t want to be overbearing. You know that she’s under pressure but God you just wanted her to confide in you, to feel more like a girlfriend rather than an afterthought. So, you slide on a pair of shoes, tucking your keys into your pocket and you begin the quick walk to the park.

You hear the rhythmic bouncing of the ball before you see Paige. You hear the dribble, the swish of the net, the clang of the rim. The basketball rolls towards you and you pick it up, coming face to face with Paige, whose face is a picture of surprise.

“Hey,” she says softly. You pause to take in her appearance. She’s dressed in a pair of athletic shoes, ball shorts and a loose tank top. She’s soaked in sweat, her hair sticking to her forehead and her eyes a wild mix of exhaustion and pure determination. Your heart constricts in your chest. Why is she doing this to herself? “What are you doing here?”

“It’s late,” you say, quirking an unamused smile. “Almost midnight. Couldn’t really sleep without knowing if my girlfriend was alive or not.”

She stares at you like she’s trying to read your expression. A slow wave of realization rolls over her and she sucks in a deep breath, knowing she’s in trouble. “I’m okay,” she says but you know she’s not. “Just–”

“‘Just trying to get some shots up,’” you interrupt. “‘Just wanna be prepared for the championship.’” Paige’s jaw ticks and she runs a frustrated hand across her jaw. You soften a little, knowing that you’re not the only one with shit going on. That consideration would get you in trouble one day, but you don’t really care right now. “Can we talk? Please?”

“I need to–”

“Paige,” you breathe out, your voice firm despite the way it cracks. You feel the tears prick at your eyes and you can’t help but feel frustrated at yourself for getting emotional. “Please stop running away from me,” you beg.

She looks like she’s about to argue again, although she thinks better of it, nodding her head and taking a seat on the bench where her bag rests. You sit next to hear, placing the basketball on the other side of you. Paige is silent, her hands folded together and her brows drawn in. You speak first. “I’m worried about you.” That draws her attention, confusion and guilt and hurt lining her expression, but you swallow, continuing. “I hardly see you outside of school and you spend every waking moment with a ball in your hand. I know you think that you need to work harder or train harder, but it’s killing you, Paige. You say you’re fine and I wanna believe that but we’ve been dating for a year now. I know you better than that. This is wearing you down and I just don’t understand why you can’t be honest with me about why you’re doing this to yourself.”

The distant chirp of the crickets is all you can hear. Then, she heaves a shuddering sigh. “I’m not good enough for this,” she confesses in a murmur. “That’s what everyone says. I’m overrated. That Coach Auriemma shoulda recruited someone else – someone better, faster, stronger, taller. Basketball is my future but lately it just feels like that’s another thing I have to prove to people who watch me from behind a screen. There’s so many people relying on me, watching me, investing in me and I can’t – I can’t let them down. I can’t lose. I am so fucking afraid of losing that I forget how to win.”

“Paige,” you whisper, your hand reaching out to hold hers. She intertwines your fingers so tightly that it hurts your hand. You don’t care. “You are so much more than what people have to say about you, okay? Isn’t that what you told me?”

She huffs, something akin to amusement, but there’s no enjoyment in her expression. “You didn’t sign up for that,” she retorts. “They were hurting you ‘cause of me.”

“No one signs up to be an online punching bag,” you state. “Least of all you. You don’t deserve that.” She shakes her head, disbelieving. You lean into her, trying to ground her, and she shivers against you. “You know it’s not true, right? There is no one better, or stronger, or faster than you. Maybe taller, but I love you the way you are.” That’s enough to draw a real laugh from her and you squeeze her hand. “Listen to me. Geno didn’t recruit you because of your strength or your speed or whatever else. Geno recruited you because he knew you had the heart of a Husky and because he knew you had what it takes. And – I know it’s hard, but sometimes you’re going to lose. What’s important is picking yourself up afterward and doing it all over again. Win or lose, you’re always gonna have me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, you know that?”

“I do,” she murmurs. “And I’d do the same for you.” Her words sound more like a grave realization more than a reassurance, but you don’t catch it. You don’t notice the solemn look on her face, the way she looks like she’s coming to terms with something difficult. You don’t notice the determination that reads something like I’m going to win another state championship this year and prove everyone wrong.

“Come home?” you plead. Paige nods slowly, collecting her gear almost robotically, but she presses a kiss to your lips and all you feel an overwhelming amount of relief. Everything will be okay, you tell yourself. This was just a small bump in the road.

Wishful thinking.

Paige’s state championship gets cancelled due to a global pandemic.

She’d been in such high spirits, excited at the prospect of competing, of taking home the trophy one more time before she went off for college. In March, everything shut down. You were out of school for what you believed to be an extended spring break, but the rest of the year was cancelled entirely. The state championship game was quick to follow. You weren’t expecting Paige to take the news as bad as she did.

Your texts go unanswered, again. You know she’s stuck in her house, which was always a recipe for disaster for her. Paige gets too restless, too impatient, always itching to be moving. You let a day go by of radio silence. Two days. By the third, you’re beginning to lose your mind. You simply weren’t built for online education and your little brother makes focusing impossible. On the fourth day, you send another message to Paige, which ultimately gets left on read.

You show up to her house, tired of being iced out like this, of being treated like you’re something disposable when Paige is upset. Bob lets you in, grinning, and you wave at Drew as you walk upstairs, your footsteps echoing like your heartbeat in your ribcage. You knock on Paige’s door, not getting a response, but you walk in anyways.

Her room is a mess. Clothes are strewn about, one of her comforters lying on the ground. You nearly trip over a loose basketball but your eyes lock on her – lying in bed with an almost catatonic expression on her face. Maybe the aftermath is your fault. It doesn’t take a genius to know that Paige wasn’t in the best headspace. While you were her girlfriend, showing up to her room invited while she’s spiraling would make her meltdown make sense. The ensuing argument is a blur.

Paige is frantic, her hands gesturing wildly as she chokes back sobs, exclaiming confessions of “I’m nothing without that championship,” or “I can’t handle this anymore.” It’s the first time you’ve actually been a little fearful – not of her, but for her. You knew the pressure was getting to her and you just let her deal with it instead of intervening. You were too scared to upset her and now the both of you are paying the price of your insecurity.

You tried to comfort her, but it was like something shifted. She told you to go home. That you were too much right now and that it’s obvious at this point that you’re only going to get hurt if you stay with me. You were willing to ignore her words even if they were like knives to your heart, but what truly destroyed was how she flinched away from your touch like it was burning oil. Go home, she’d said again. I don’t need you here. I can’t keep hurting you like this.

Maybe showing up in the first place was a mistake, but so was leaving her. You walked back to your house with tears in your eyes, wondering how you fucked up so bad.

The next day, Paige shows up at your doorstep with flowers. You couldn’t ignore the hurt in your heart and you didn’t want to forgive her so easily, but it was hard to stay upset with her. No matter how mad you were, you were still in love with her. She apologized, describing how the championship cancellation and the lockdown and the pressure was making her go insane. She acknowledged those wrongs didn’t make a right and she’d spend the rest of her life making it up to you. You didn’t want to fight, or argue, or hurt anymore, so you wrapped her in your arms as the both of you cried. You had a lengthy conversation full of more apologies, and foolishly, you’d thought the worst of it was over. It wouldn’t come until much later.

Miraculously, you still have graduation that month although everyone has to wear masks and you have to sit five feet apart on the football field. You and Paige graduate with honors, you take photos, and your combined families have a huge dinner at the Bueckers’s household. That evening, right before you say grace, your phone lights up with an email from the UConn admissions team.

You got in.

As your families cheer, your eyes are too full of tears to notice the expression of pure dread on Paige's face as you throw your arms around her neck. It feels like everything is finally going your way. You and Paige would be going to college together. It would be easier – it has to be. You didn’t really care about what anyone had to say about the two of you. You had Paige and that was enough for you.

You go to bed that night blissfully and ignorantly happy. Two weeks pass and that’s finally when the worst happens.

You feel your phone’s vibration before you hear its ringtone.

Groggily, you open your eyes, hands blindly fumbling through your sheets and under your pillow as you try to locate your device. At first, you think it’s your alarm waking you up for class, but remembering the fact that you’ve just graduated two weeks ago hits you like a sack of bricks. There will be no more morning alarms, not until you’re in Storrs, Connecticut and starting the fall semester. You also realize it’s far too dark outside to be morning, so the ringing of your phone can only mean one thing.

“Hello?” you answer without looking at the caller ID, knowing that it was Paige on the other end. You couldn’t think of anyone who would call you at 1:55 in the morning. The fact that Paige is calling you at 1:55 in the morning, however, is a cause for concern. She had an early flight around 8am – summer practices and conditioning were already starting up for the Huskies, as well as other freshman athlete orientations.

“Hey,” Paige says. Her voice is quiet on the other end of the line, tight and weak like she’s fighting to stay composed. Immediately, your heartbeat picks up, fearing for the worst. “I’m at your front door. Can I – can you come down please? I need to talk to you.”

“I’m on my way,” you respond, already throwing your blanket off of your legs and leaving your room. “Are you okay?”

Paige is oddly silent for a few beats. Your socked feet thump lightly against the stairs as you make your way down, your pulse racing like you’d just ran a marathon. Her name falls from your lips in a murmur and she heaves a shuddering sigh from the other end of the phone. “Please,” she begs, “just come outside.”

“Okay,” you promise, and the line goes dead as you unlock your front door, opening it to reveal Paige standing on your front porch. She’s wearing a pair of sweatpants and crocs like she’d made the last minute decision to show up to your house. Her shirt is rumpled, the UConn logo emblazoned on it – one she’d gotten from her official visit however long ago. Her hair is disheveled, too, pulled up into a loose ponytail with loose strands at the front. And her face. You’ve never seen Paige look so miserable before, but what truly shocks you is the guilt clouding her eyes, the frown on her lips. “Hey.” Your voice is quiet, opening the door wide enough for her to come in. Paige merely shakes her head, her hand finding your wrist as she guides you onto the front porch. The door clicks shut behind the two of you. “What’s going on?”

Under the porchlight, her features come into focus. Her expression is downcast, eyes red as if she’d been crying, shoulders high and tense with some monumental weight bearing down on them. You know she has a lot going on – the two of you have talked about as much. She was the number one high school recruit and she’s been committed to one of, if not the best college for women’s basketball. There’s a lot of pressure on her to live up to those expectations, to be the best in the game. You also know Paige hasn’t been the same since the beginning of the year, but she’d assured you that it was just exhaustion and the need to lock in. When you come face to face with her, you’re wracked with a near insurmountable quantity of guilt – why hadn’t you tried harder to get her to open up?

“I’m sorry,” is what Paige says. Your heart slams against your ribcage as your mind conjures up thousands of reasons why Paige could be apologizing to you at two in the fucking morning. “I know this timing is super fucked up and this is such a shitty thing to do to but I can’t get on that plane later and not –” Paige’s words trail off, the sound getting stuck in her throat.

You blink, feeling the unmistakable burn of tears in your eyes, the tightness in your chest. Part of you knows exactly where this is going, but the other part of you refuses to consider it. “Not what, Paige?”

Her hands fidget nervously with the hem of her shirt. She throws her head back, suddenly finding the roof of your porch very interesting as she takes a deep breath. “I don’t –” her voice cracks before finally, she meets your eyes, guilt and dread and something that looks strangely like atonement filling her irises. “I don’t think we’re gonna work out,” she says. Your heart all but drops out of your ass and onto the ground, but she keeps rambling in that Paige-esque way that you’ve spent months falling in love with. “We’re not gonna work out in college. I have basketball, and you – you have so many great things ahead of you. You have dreams and aspirations and I can’t…I can’t let you lose sight of those if you stay with me. I love you, so much, but we’re just gonna keep hurting each other if we keep trying to mend something that’s just gonna keep on breaking.”

You can hear your heartbeat in your ears. Something ugly twists in your gut, something that feels like a painful mix of despair, desperation, and a deep-rooted anger you’d never realized you’d been harboring. You weren’t an angry person. Sensitive, sure. You were understanding and kind. Never angry. “Why do you get to decide that?” you manage, your voice rough with emotion. Your voice rises in pitch as you continue. “Why do you get to decide that we can’t be fixed? What–”

“We’ve been tryin’ to fix this for months,” Paige points out hoarsely, her throat bobbing as she swallows.

“Because you’re not trying!” you exclaim, arms flying out. Paige flinches, but you don’t stop. “You just – you keep pulling away from me and I don’t know why but I can’t do this on my own, Paige. And when I ask you always say you’re just tired or you’re just busy but I know you. I know you and I know that you weren’t giving us your all and I still trusted you because fuck, I just wanted you! I would never make you choose between me or basketball but I’d like to at least be considered once in a while.”

“It’s not like that,” Paige argues. “I’ve done nothing but consider you–”

“Bullshit.”

Her face falls. “See?” she murmurs, laughing a little despite the hurt in her expression. “We’d never work out in college. We can’t even do this right.”

You seethe. “Because you’re trying to break up with me when we can fix this.”

“I’m trying to break up with you because I can’t fucking protect you!” Paige cries. Her words hit you like a truck and you clamp your mouth shut as she wipes her eyes. “Is that what you wanted to hear? I can’t protect you when we’re both at UConn. Do you even know what they’re saying online? They’re saying I can’t hoop because I’m too busy playing house with my girlfriend. They’re saying that her girlfriend is trying to leech off of her success, that you’re ruining my life, that my girlfriend needs to leave me alone. Everyday I’ve worked harder to get stronger, faster, better, just so there wouldn’t be anything about me they could use to hurt you but they always find something to say. I can’t protect you from that when you’re with me. I can’t let them ruin your life because you love me. You have so much ahead of you and they’ll tear you down. I can’t bear that.”

“I don’t need you to protect me,” you say, but even you know that’s a lie. You take in the look on Paige’s face, the commiseration, the resolution. Your anger melts away into sheer desperation when you begin to fully realize the gravity of your situation. It feels like your entire life is slipping from your fingertips and you’re running out of time to do something about it. “Paige…” You hate the way she flinches at her name.

“Please,” she begs again. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. Just let me do this for us and we can both try to be happy.”

You don’t mention how there won’t be an us if you let her walk away now, but you do step forward, your fingers curling into the fabric of her shirt as you plead, “Don’t do this to us.” A tear slips down your cheek and Paige shudders as she wipes it away with the pad of her thumb, an inexplicable amount of guilt in her eyes. “We can fix this, okay? I swear. I promise you won’t even know I’m there. I won’t say anything and I’ll watch your games online – whatever it takes, I’ll do it, Paige; just don’t fucking do this to us.”

She murmurs your name, her face falling as she brushes your hair out of your face, but you’re shaking your head, pressing on. “Just give us some time. Please. We can work this out. I don’t want anything but you. And…and – last year, you said nothing else mattered, right? What everyone else thought, what the media thought. We can be private again, whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

“I can’t ask that of you,” she whispers, voice broken. “You don’t deserve to be hidden away. I can’t do that to you. It’ll kill us before we even got a chance otherwise.”

Your lip wobbles as you say, “You’re killing us now, Paige.”

She nods, a tear of her own falling, and she wipes it away before you can even raise your hand. “I know. But at least it’s on our terms and not theirs.” You shake your head, fingers tightening in her shirt, and Paige crumbles. She wraps her arms around your shoulders, pulling her into your chest as your body heaves with sobs, your tears soaking her shirt. You can hear the tremble in her voice as she fights for her composure. “I’m sorry. Being with me will just hurt you more. I can’t put you through that,” she chokes out. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you were the only one trying. I thought it would change things but it didn’t. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t save us.”

The irony makes you ache – Paige killing you just to save you. Deep down, you know she’s right. Your social media have been private for months now, but there’s nothing you wouldn’t do just so you could keep Paige. But right now? All you’re truly able to process is the heartbreak, the way the criss-crossing bandages fall off, the way the stitches and the sutures come undone, revealing a festering, open wound that after all this time, you’ve never been able to repair. No matter what, it always comes back to this – your heart on the ground, stomped out and bleeding and ruined. You just never thought Paige would be the one to crush it under her heel.

You’re tender-hearted. You always have been.  That’s why your friends told you to stay far, far away from Paige. You tried, you honestly did – but Paige is magnetic, and she loves you, and you were just a little too weak to say no. Now you’re faced with the ugly realization that maybe you should have listened, that when they told you ‘She’s leaving Minnesota and she’s not going to look back’, they were right. Despite it all, you’re naive enough to say that you’d go through with it all over again. You love Paige. You would give up a lot of things in the world if only you could keep her, but her decision is made and it’s time for you to make yours.

That’s why you forgive her. You sniffle, trying your best to compose yourself as her hand rubs soothing, apologetic circles on your back. “It’s okay,” you manage, your voice impossibly soft and broken down.

“It’s not,” Paige murmurs, her voice cracking.

“It will have to be.” You feel her nod at that, her arms tightening a little, like she’s trying to savor this last moment with you before it’s gone forever. You do, too, pressing your head against her chest, listening to the rhythmic thump of her heart that you’ve spent hours memorizing the cadence of. You’ve spent so many months of your life learning everything there was to know about Paige Bueckers – her favorite color, her dreams, the parts of her that she keeps hidden. You wish you didn’t know what she looked like when she was walking away but you should have known that you and her were doomed by time from the very beginning.

You don’t want to let her go. Eventually, you have to, and looking at her face makes you want to cry and beg all over again. Her hands find your cheeks as she kisses you one last time. You can taste the salt on her lips, hear her shuddering breath, feel her forehead as it presses against yours gently. You know this kiss is more of a goodbye than it is a gesture of affection. That’s enough to make the ache in your chest return tenfold.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers again. It doesn’t do anything to fix what’s broken. “I’m so sorry. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” you promise. You hate those words because you know they’re true – Paige has just broken your heart on your front doorstep and despite it all, you still love her and you always will.

She releases you, her hands trailing down your arms, trying to commit you to memory. Then, her hands leave your skin entirely and she takes a step back. “Guess this is goodbye.”

You bury your hands in your pockets, knowing that if you don’t do something with them, you’ll try fighting for her again. “Guess it is.”

She stares at you for a long while before nodding, her final goodbye a soft murmur under her breath. You watch her go as she walks down the sidewalk, her figure illuminated by the streetlights. It feels strangely like reaching for a light, something you’ll never be able to physically grasp. It’s like watching your entire future crumble in the blink of an eye, like reminding yourself that some dreams are too costly and that sometimes, desire is impossible. Right person, wrong time.

Your lip trembles as you walk back inside, locking the door behind you. When you turn to head back upstairs and go back to bed, hoping that this is all some kind of fucked up fever dream, you find your mother waiting for you, worry etched on her face. That’s when you crumble again, sagging into her confused arms and sobbing.

“She’s gone,” you manage to get out in between heaving sobs. Your mom understands instantly, hushing you and smoothing out your hair, rocking you back and forth as you cry. You’ve hurt a lot, but never like this. You want this terrible feeling to go away but you know this is a loss that’s going to stick with you for a while.

Later that night, when you’re sure you’ve cried all you could, you lie in bed bundled in Paige’s hoodie despite the heat. On the UConn application portal, you only hesitate a little bit before you click on the Cancel Enrollment button. Then, you navigate over to the University of Minnesota application portal, hesitating a lot longer before clicking on the Confirm Enrollment button. You power your phone off entirely, unwilling to spend the night staring at the picture of you and Paige on your home screen. All you feel is a devastating emptiness and this time, you’re fully on your own now and there’s no one else to help you pick up the pieces.

FRESHMAN & SOPHOMORE YEAR – 2020-2022

To no one’s surprise, you absolutely hate the University of Minnesota. There were a lot of reasons why it wasn’t your first choice. The program it offered for your degree wasn’t the greatest. You hated the dorms. You hated campus life, too. UConn had a lot of things that UMN didn’t. A better sports scene, better programs, your ex-girlfriend who you’re still hung up on, everything. You knew you’d be just as miserable at UConn if you’d gone there, too. Paige was everywhere. The freshman phenom who could truly do it all. The work she’d put into becoming better had paid off and it led to her having an electrifying first season.

Even though your heart ached, you couldn’t help but be proud of her. She was doing everything she said she was gonna do. She’s breaking records and making a name for herself – you’d just wished you could be there for it.

It’s almost pathetic how you’re unable to get over her. You stay off of social media but the knowledge that she’s just one text message away fucks with your brain more than you’d like to admit. It reminds you all too much of Gatsby and Daisy and that stupid project the two of you partnered for in AP Lit, only you’re some weird inverted version of them. Paige is the one with the riches, the grandeur, the mansion, yet she’s the one with the green light on the dock. You spend hours gazing out and hoping that she’s looking back at you, too. You’re the one who wishes you could go back into the past where you were still together, even though Gatsby’s story taught you that you’re only yearning for something that doesn’t exist anymore. You’re Gatsby, unable to move on, unable to fully come to terms with the fact that your dream wasn’t truly attainable, that you desired for too much and you couldn’t reach it.

There’s a scary thought in the back of your head that sounds like you just weren’t worth it. Gatsby’s story also taught you that Daisy’s feelings for Gatsby weren’t worth losing her social status, her life of comfort. Were you not worth it? You would have gone to hell and stayed if only to keep Paige, but perhaps that’s just something you need to work on.

So, you do. You find yourself a therapist in Minneapolis. You’ve been unhappy for a while now, but it’s also become increasingly obvious that you need to work on setting boundaries and unlearning emotional attachments that have done nothing but hurt you. You fall in love (romantically or platonically) far too quick, too easily, and you’re too forgiving. You were told from the start that you should be taking care of your heart and you suppose it’s better late than never.

Your therapist is an older lady who has seen some shit and been through some shit. She’s blunt and honest and exactly what you need. She tells you that you can protect yourself and still give to the world, to others. She also tells you that if you’re so unhappy at UMN that you should probably transfer. You put that piece of advice on the backburner because you’ve barely been here for a semester. Maybe you’ll have more fun and make new friends come spring. Maybe everything will turn around if you give yourself the chance to grow and be happy without constantly looking over your shoulder, hoping to see familiar blue eyes and that teasing smile you’ve all but memorized.

(Spoiler: you don’t.)

The spring semester of your freshman year rolls around and you’re honestly burned out. Your first semester was rough and you had a straight C average, which was quite the culture shock after being a straight A student throughout highschool. You try to show up to all of your classes, but registering for an 8am was honestly the worst decision of your life. You miss a few, your grades remain horribly consistent (more C’s!), and you can’t hold onto anymore friends, not for lack of trying. Your clubs fall through and nothing feels right about UMN. Sure, you’re close to home and you visit your parents twice a month, but UMN isn’t home at all. You know that there’s a piece of you in Connecticut somewhere.

Therapy is helping a lot, though. Fixing yourself emotionally is really taxing, but you’re making progress, and that’s good enough for now. Although it takes a couple of weeks, you manage to make a friend in one of your classes and you study together often. Her name is Krista. She’s a pre-med biology major and quite possibly the smartest person you’ve met in your semester and a half at UMN. She introduces you to some of her friends, too – an assortment of med-school hopefuls and the lone English major. Slowly but surely, UMN doesn’t feel as lonely and your grades start improving.

Eventually, the heartbreak starts to ache a little less. Seeing Paige’s picture plastered everywhere doesn’t hurt as much. You tune in for some of the UConn games during March Madness to cheer her on. It will probably take you a long time to be fully over Paige, but you’re at least mostly over the hurt. You reach out to a couple of your mutual friends just to see how she’s doing. Maybe you’ll regret that decision one day. Maybe not. Hearing that she’s doing okay settles your heart some. That turns into weekly check-ins. It’s something.

You and Paige were friends for a long time before you made it official. You’re not mourning the loss of a relationship, but you’re mourning your best friend, too. Nobody ever told you how devastating it was to go from sharing everything with someone to watching their life in pictures. Part of you wonders if she’s doing the same as you, if she even thinks about you like that, if she thinks about you at all or if she regrets the decision she’d made.

Your first year at UMN is nothing special. There’s a nagging voice in the back of your head that urges you to transfer. If you’re not fully happy after a year, then you’re not going to be happy this year. You think about the friends you’ve made – Krista and the others. Something about them just isn’t right. You may never have the vocabulary to explain it, but no matter how nice and welcoming they are, you still feel like an outsider looking in. Things aren’t all that bad, you tell yourself. Your grades are better and honestly, maybe this is just life. You aren’t always going to have a bunch of best friends. So, you decide to stay at UMN.

(How many bad decisions can one person possibly make before you start getting concerned?)

Sophomore year isn’t any better. It doesn’t suck, but you’re still unhappy. You’re surviving, not living. You start going home every weekend rather than the twice a month schedule you’d originally planned on. Being back in Hopkins reminds you of simpler times. It reminds you of late night Dairy Queen runs, of chatting in an empty parking lot, of that time Paige accidentally honked the horn in her stepmom’s SUV when she tried to pull you onto her lap. Hopkins reminds you of your junior prom, where you and Paige slow danced to Taylor Swift outside the gym, where you told her that you loved her for the first time and she told you that she did, too. Hopkins reminds you of happiness.

In December that year, your mutual friend — Amaya Battle — informs you that Paige fractured her tibial plateau and tore her lateral meniscus. None of that sounded good, but you felt like shit once Krista explained what that all meant. That injury would bench Paige for a couple of months. Despite the time, you still knew Paige well enough to know that she’s not happy about that. You open a long abandoned text thread with her, your last message reading happy birthday! and hers reading Thank you, and begin to draft out a new message. Saying that you’re sorry doesn’t feel like enough, but anything else feels like too much. You settle on simply expressing your condolences and you let her know that you’re praying for her. You’re not surprised when you don’t receive anything more than another “Thank you” in return.

Spring semester is long and uneventful. You still tune in for some of Paige’s games, but once finals are said and done and you’re not feeling any differently, you know that it’s time to move on. You apply as a transfer student for UConn.

JUNIOR YEAR – 2022-2023

You get accepted into UConn. Reading the Welcome to UConn Nation email feels as good as it did the first time you opened it surrounded by your family. It feels like coming home all over again. The break in between semesters feels painfully short and far too long at the same time, but before you know it, you’re moving into your dorm on campus, laughing along with your new roommate Livya like you’ve been friends forever. She helps you get settled in. Then she shows you around campus, pointing out all of the best study spots and the best dining halls. You meet up with a couple of her friends for lunch and it’s like everything just clicks. You know in your heart that this is where you’re supposed to be.

The news, however, comes to you in the form of an ESPN headline rather than a text from your mutual friend. Paige had torn her ACL nearly a week ago playing a game of pick up. Your heart was caught in your throat. You couldn’t help but feel terrible for Paige. This was supposed to be her healthy season back after her previous injury in December, but here she is on the bench again, healing from an injury she didn’t deserve to get. You feel the strangest sense of deja vu when you message Paige again, extending your condolences, but what you’re not expecting is the phone call from her that comes a few seconds later.

It rings once and all you can do is stare at it, jaw on the ground. On the second ring, your thumb hovers over the answer button. And on the third ring, you commit to it, bringing your phone to your ear. Your heart nearly beats out of your chest as you greet Paige. “Hey.”

Her voice is soft when she responds. “Hey.” It’s a little rough around the edges, mature, but there’s a lingering tenseness to it like she’s trying to keep herself together.

“Wasn’t expecting you to call,” you admit.

“Me neither,” she agrees.

You sit in silence for a few moments before you shift, clearing your throat. There’s so many things you want to say to her, but you know this moment is too fragile, too new. You know you’re not talking to the same girl you once knew. She’s changed. She’s older and she’s wiser and she knows what she wants now. You don’t know how to say what you want to say, although it’s evident that Paige is a little lost, too. “How, um…how are you?” you say finally.

The noise she makes on the other line sounds a little amused. “Well,” she murmurs. “At least it’s not both knees, right?”

You can’t help the choked laugh that draws from you. “God,” you say. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed at that.”

“Nah, s’okay,” she promises. You can hear the slight smile in her voice. “I missed that.”

Your heart thumps against your ribcage. “Missed what?” you ask, but you know what she means.

“Your laugh,” she confirms. “Still the same as it once was.”

You hum. “We’re not the same,” you say softly. “We’ve grown up.”

“Have we?” she asks. You swallow. “We’re older. Learned a lot. Doesn’t mean we’ve changed. Just evolved.”

“Is that not the same thing?”

“Pikachu evolves into Raichu but he’s still Pikachu, isn’t he?”

Despite yourself, you grin. “And you’re still an idiot.”

That makes her laugh. “C’mon,” she drawls. “I got a bum knee and you’re making fun of me?”

“Some things never change.”

“They don’t,” Paige agrees. “Heard you transferred to UConn?”

“I did. UMN wasn’t right for me. It didn’t feel like home.”

“It does here?”

You don’t hesitate when you respond. “Yeah. It does.”

The line falls silent again. You can hear the sound of Paige breathing on the other end. “I’m glad you’re here,” she says finally. Your grin melts into something a little more tender. “Do you wanna come to my dorm? We can catch up.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“Probably not,” she concedes. “But I’m injured and I just spent two years missin’ you and I wanna see you.”

You should feel embarrassed at how little it takes to convince you. Before you realize the words coming out of your mouth, you’re saying, “Send me the address.” She does. Paige’s dorm isn’t too far away from yours. “I’ll be there in ten.”

When you do arrive, the girl who answers the door is not Paige. It’s Azzi Fudd. She knows you by name, offering you a gentle smile and pointing you down the hall to where Paige’s room is. You thank her, your heart caught in your throat, and you make your way through the apartment. You knock and you enter.

Paige glances up immediately as you walk in, her face softening immediately. She’s sprawled out across her bed, her knee secured in a heavy brace and propped up in a pillow. She’s wearing a loose pair of shorts and a long-sleeved UConn shirt. The first thing you notice is how different she is. Her time on the court and in the gym has treated her well. Her shoulders fill out her sweatshirt, muscles taut against the fabric. She’s bulked up and she scraped her old ponytail for a slick back bun, although the ‘slick back’ part is messy, strands flying haphazardly. Her eyes are disarmingly blue, not like that’s changed from the last time you saw her, and her smile is just as you remember. It’s enough to soften you instantly.

“Hey,” she says as you close the door behind you.

“Hi, P,” you murmur. Her face shifts, taking you in, and you know she’s cataloging everything that’s different about you, too. You wear your hair in a new style and the way you carry yourself is unlike the way you carried yourself in high school. It’s not confidence, it’s surety, more you. Behind the curiosity, you can see the lingering guilt, the realization that she broke your heart two years ago yet you still dropped everything to come and see her because she’s injured. You glance around the room, breaking your eye contact, scanning the basketball posters, album covers, and pictures of her and her teammates strewn about. Her comforter is purple, which makes you smile. Some things truly never change. “Nice room.” As soon as the words leave your mouth, you fight a wince because of how awkward it sounds.

“Clean, right?” she jokes, drawing a short laugh from you – you’d always teased her for being messy, often having to motivate her to pick up her room. Her dorm is clean, but obviously lived-in as evidenced by the jacket slung over the arm of a gaming chair and a water bottle or two on the nightstand and the desk. “Nice hoodie.”

It’s only then that you glance down and your face flushes when you realize what you’re wearing. HOPKINS is emblazoned on the front, the number 1 below it. You don’t need to turn it around to know you have BUECKERS stitched on the back. Your eyes find her face again, noting that she’s not upset about it. She’s a little amused, if anything, although there’s something softer in her expression. You shrug a little. “Wasn’t brave enough to get rid of it.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Her voice is a soft murmur. You meet her eyes, sharing a soft smile. Then, she clears her throat, shifting, and she nods to the spot next to her. “Come talk?” she requests.

You open your mouth, ready to decline. You know that if you fell into these patterns with Paige again, then you’d truly never get over her. Part of you wonders if you want to get over her in the first place, but you know you can’t put yourself through this again if she’s not in it for the long haul. “I don’t think–”

“Please?” she asks softly, her voice catching in her throat. “I just…don’t wanna be alone right now.”

You’re moving before she even finishes her sentence. She moves the blankets for you as you kick off your shoes, sliding in next to her like it’s second nature. When you do, you’re enveloped by her, the scent of her cologne, her body wash, that same brand of shampoo she’s been using since she was seventeen. You can feel the warmth of her body so close to yours and your breath hitches. You can hear the stutter in her breathing, too, and for a moment, you wonder if she’s missed you in the way you’ve missed her. Her fingers twitch like she’s fighting the urge to hold you, like she’s reminding herself she doesn’t really have that right anymore.

“So…” she starts. “Why’d you transfer? Really?”

You sigh. “I couldn’t really find my place at UMN. I struggled in my classes for a while and I had so much trouble making friends. I found a group, but it always felt like I was a plus one. My psychologist and my parents told me to transfer. Even Drew told me to transfer.”

She cracks a small, surprised smile. “You talk to Drew?”

“Our parents still talk, you know,” you say, nudging her, listening to her laughter. “Plus, Drew and my brother are like best friends.” You pause for a moment, twisting the ring on your finger, and hesitantly, you admit, “Drew told me I should transfer to UConn specifically. For you.”

“For me?” Her voice is pitched, her expression unreadable, and you nod.

“Yeah. He said we were happier before the break up.”

Paige chuckles, rolling her eyes. “He’s such a little shit.”

“I wonder where he gets it from?” At that, Paige half-heartedly shoves you, but there’s no force or malice behind it as you laugh. “But I didn’t transfer for you.”

“Of course not.” Her expression betrays her feigned nonchalance, like she thinks you’re full of shit.

“I didn’t!”

“Okay,” she says insufferably and you shake your head. “I, uh…I’m sorry for how I ended things.”

Your smile drops instantly, features softening. “Paige,” you murmur, but she ignores your words entirely. 

“I’ve thought about it for two years,” she admits, “and every day I wish I could go back in time and undo it. I thought I was protecting you but all I did was hurt us both. In the end, it didn’t even change shit. That’s the fucked up part.” She scoffs a little. “And here we are. I broke your heart yet you text me on my birthday, reach out when I injure myself, drop everything to come see me ‘cause my knee’s fucked? Why?”

You swallow thickly, not really needing to think about your response. “It’s you,” you whisper. You hear her breath catch, see the tears welling up in her eyes again. It’s always gonna be you, is the part that goes unsaid, but you wonder if Paige understands it all the same. “I would watch your games sometimes,” you confess. Paige makes a noise that sounds like it’s in between a sigh and a whimper, like hearing you speak is hurting her. You continue anyways, needing to get it off of your chest. “I’d watch your games and I’d cheer you on and wonder what it would be like if you didn’t change your mind, if I was sitting courtside like we’d always talked about. I’d probably be wearing this fucking hoodie or maybe you’d give me some of your UConn gear. Every week, I would talk to Amaya Battle just to ask how you were, and –” Paige interrupts you with a soft whisper of your name, but you shake your head, feeling the long restrained tears drop. “I missed you and all I wanted was you. You were so close yet so far – impossible and out of reach.”

“Not impossible,” she says firmly, her voice rough with tears. Instantly, you’re transported back nearly four years ago when she’d uttered words not too dissimilar. I don’t think it’s out of reach. Not for you. Not for us. “Never impossible. Not you, not me, not us.”

A tear slips down your cheek and she wipes it away. The brush of her finger against your skin, no matter how small, is pure electricity in your veins and you’re breathless for an entirely different reason now. “Aren’t we?” you ask, your eyes on hers. They’re alarmingly blue, brightened by the pool of tears that’s found home in them. You can’t help the way your feelings come rushing back. You were always going to be in love with Paige Bueckers. That’s not a feeling that goes away overnight or even two years after breaking up with her. She’s ruined you for anyone else and you can’t even be mad about it. “We’re different. You’re different.”

“Not different,” she argues, desperation lacing her tone as she squeezes your hands in between her own. “Evolved. I’m still me.”

“That’s the scary part,” you say. It’s scary because you know you’ll never be able to say no to her. You love her too much for that, and deep down, you also there’s nothing more right than you and her.

“It doesn’t have to be.” Her thumb finds your cheek again, clearing the wetness, and your lip trembles when you look at her.  Paige’s expression is unguarded, a clear promise reflected in her eyes. If this all went to shit, you wouldn’t have the energy or the resources to pick your heart up again, but what are you if not brave despite the ache? What if it’s different this time, if you and Paige have grown, not changed, and you’re better for each other? You know better now than to make those same mistakes. You know Paige well enough to know she means what she says. So maybe you’re a fool, or you’re naive, or too trusting for your own good, but you can’t help but believe Paige. “A lot of people have hurt you. I was one of them,” she continues, uncomfortably vulnerable as she swallows. “I will never forgive myself for that but somehow, you did. Whatever it takes, I’ll prove to you that you didn’t make the wrong choice like I did. Give me time and the chance and I’ll show you. I swear.”

Your heart knows your decision long before your brain has made it. That’s just how you work. You nod at her, watching utter relief and gratitude seep through her features, and honestly, when you look back at it, you’re not completely sure who leans in first. But what you do know is that you’re tangling your fingers in her sweatshirt, pulling her impossibly close as you initiate the kiss, something intense and deep and desperate and everything you’ve been wishing for over the past two years. You know it’s a bad idea, doing this out of order, yet you can’t bring yourself to care because Paige shudders against your lips, her hands finding your hips and dragging you impossibly closer. You’re cautious of her knee, trying to minimize the amount of space between your bodies, and you loop your arms around her neck when you pull away to trail your lips down her jaw, the column of her throat. She tilts her head back, granting you more space, and you don’t sober up until you feel one of her tears fall against your cheek.

You pull away from her immediately, feeling as though you’d been submerged in an ice bath. Paige must not register that she’s crying because she chases after you with a noise of dissatisfaction, her hands pressing into your sides. You push her away gently, smiling despite yourself, brushing her tears away with your knuckle. “Maybe we should, um… not make out when we’re crying and emotional?” you suggest.

Paige clears her throat, leaning away from you with great difficulty. “Yeah,” she agrees quickly. “Probably for the best.” You can’t help the huff of laughter that escapes from your mouth. Paige’s lips quirk up, a flicker of hope in her eyes. “We’re okay?” she asks, a little hesitant.

“We will be,” you assure her, not missing the way her face lights up. “But we should probably…”

“Slow down?” Paige finishes.

You nod. “Yeah. Be friends first. We have a lot to catch up on.”

“I can work with that,” she murmurs, her words a direct echo of the first promise she’d ever made to you.

You smile, your heart feeling lighter than it has in years. You breathe a little easier knowing that you’re still you and Paige is still Paige – you’re not the same, but you’re something a little better, more improved, and you have the knowledge to take better care of each other’s hearts this time around. You and Paige have grown up and matured. You lost your way for a while but as you lay in bed next to her like no time has passed at all, you know somewhere deep inside of your body that this is where you’re truly meant to be.

(You and Paige do commit to slow. You know each other like the back of your hands and the love is still there, but you’re determined to do this right this time. So, you keep things friendly, strengthening the connection between the two of you – she introduces you to her teammates, helps you study while she’s out for the season. In turn, you help her with her rehab and you motivate her on the days that feel more bleak.

When the both of you go back home for Thanksgiving break, both of your families are ecstatic to see that you’re “back together” and you don’t think anyone believes the two of you when you say you’re just taking it slow for now. Your little brothers tease you, your dads share knowing glances, and your mothers smile like they know exactly where this is going.

However, when the two of you return to Minnesota for winter break, Paige takes you to the park that the two of you used to spend your time at, leading you to the swings. You talk about anything and everything and nothing, content to just enjoy the moment, but when Paige asks you to be her girlfriend officially – again, but second time’s the charm, right? – you truly have no choice but to say no, kissing her gently as the Minnesotan snow falls around the two of you.

You’re home now.)

[killuakiru]

Hiii hru? I was wondering if I could request gon and killua (seperate) with a fem reader that is very girly? And I know it’s kinds weird but she kinda has pretty privilege and will literally get whatever she wants by winning at some other teenager. Shes very kind and sweet though so she doesn’t take advantage of it. Sorry if that’s kind of odd and if you don’t want to write it it’s ok🫶 love you!

HI ANON !! It's completely alright 🫡 I find this request rly cute as my other post was the exact opposite ! Thank you for making this request 🫰 Apologies if its ooc ( out of character ), but I had soo much fun writing this !

⊹₊⋆ IT Girl !ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

⊹₊⋆ Girly!Reader x Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecss ( Separate ! )ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

༉‧₊˚. Let's Start !༉‧₊˚.

༉‧₊˚. Killua Zoldyck !ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

• Now let's all be honest ! The first time Killua met you, he probably felt so annoyed and kept grumbling how they were teams with a "girl." As the stereotypical boy he is.

• But despite Killua's comments, you were so unbothered and even excused his actions?! He was stunned! Because if that was him, he'd internally judge them!

• But honestly, Killua underestimated you. In Killua's eyes, you looked so.. fragile? Yet your performance in combat impressed him! You were pretty agile, and you had a smart mind— not to mention, you were pretty, too! Not like he would say that out loud.

• During the final examination, yk the time where he killed an applicant? He could see you from his peripheral vision, and he saw genuine worry and concern for him. HIM. He found that so odd that a girl like you would worry for him.

• When you rescued him, that look in your eyes just SCREAMED affection, and that just hit Killua in the gut, y'know? Who wouldn't fumble in their words when such a pretty and sweet girl like [Name] comes running to them with an expression like that.

• See now— in Killua's case, he's never been with a caring or sweet female since almost everyone is his household is literally fucked up. So you were a new case for him.

• Nonetheless, he was pretty honored and glad you came for him out of everyone.

• And so, he slowly warmed up to you, even growing comfortable to the point he'd randomly touch your hair, arms, fingers, just any where he thinks that looks odd or pretty.

• Yes ! He sometimes stares at your features and finds himself admiring them. Well who wouldn't?! The way you bat your eyelashes so innocently, the way your lip gloss reflects the sun in a positive elegant way when you smile, complimenting your teeth, the way your blush makes your cheeks so much more squishy he just wants to—

• "Killua? You okay? You're zoning out again." [Name] says in amusement with Gon just looked at the boy who was staring, Killua blinked twice and hummed in a nonchalant manner, placing his hands behind his back and shrugged. "I'm perfectly fine. Better than ever. Let's get going again."

• There was one time where there's this one kid around their age who was gatekeeping Killua's the store's choco robots and you came to Killua's rescue, using your very cutesy face card to convince the kid to at least have 3!

• After that, Killua looked at you like you're some kind of GODDESS. He's been trying to convince that kid and you did it so effortlessly?! Even snagging him an extra one?! Oh you're his favorite now.

༉‧₊˚. Gon Freecss !ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

• He found you SUUUPER cute and charismatic ! Like the whole time you two were talking, he'd always sneak in a compliment ! His words flattered you a bunch, too !

• He's like a natural smooth talker 'cause WHAT?! Every compliment / comment he makes about you leaves your heart beating!

• Instead of you making him flustered, you ALWAYS find yourself stammering over your words. Was it you who fell in love first or was it him?!

• Honestly with how smooth he is you're starting to think he treats every girl like this.. ( Spoiler, he doesn't )

• During the Heaven's Arena training, he was genuinely worried since you'd often wear skirts, but turns out you were already prepared! Introducing the.. skort! While it looks like an ordinary skirt, there were already built in shorts inside to prevent the creeps from looking!

• Similarly to Killua, he finds himself staring but is shamelessly doing it. When you stare back, he smiles. SMILES so charmingly, making YOU look away and he laughs.

• He loves the fact you get along with anyone you see or talk to !! It's probably because of your looks and personality, but nonetheless he supports you !!

• okay but I js know he's really vocal with your favorite features !! He probably loves your hair since it looks so silky, smooth, and soft to the touch! He also probably loves your nails too ! Almost having new and different styles monthly and he loves making guesses and predictions on what the design / style it'll be !!

• oh and, he absolutely LOVES how you do a wardrobe change almost everyday, you and Killua do a bunch of fashion shows together and Gon rates them :3

• His favorite fits are probably the ones with the very long skirts that reach the ankles with a comfy top, just anything that reminds him of Mito !

• He loves all the girls in his life equally :3 a lot of things reminds him of you and Mito ! So when he brought you and Killua to Whale Island to meet Mito, he was really happy that you got along well with his mother <3

• This was honestly his go signal to just shoot his shot, what could he lose? His mama loves you so much ! And he does too !! And so does Killua !! Everyone approves of you !!

༉‧₊˚. End !༉‧₊˚.

Thank you for reading ! This strictly belongs to me / killuakiru and I do not give permission for you to repost on other platforms, thank you !

[w0rmm1lk]

I saw that you were receiving requests and I was wondering if you could write a Bakugou x male reader angst (both adults and married if possible, but it doesn't necessarily have to be.) where they There's an argument and the reader leaves the house at night and comes back just a week later (because Bakugou said some bad things. I don't think he would do that but I love angst where the character almost literally has to kneel down and ask the reader for forgiveness 😭😭😭) I'm sorry if it's too detailed and forgive my English, I'm Brazilian and I'm using Google Translate ☠️... (oh! and with a happy ending please🥺)

Yayyy first request hehe

Summary: reader and bakugo got into a small argument about bakugo not being home enough due to his hero work, bakugo being himself the argument escalated into something worse.

reader: Male

other details: Hero!Bakugo, Readers job not mentioned (can be read as hero reader or other). It is mentioned that reader has a sibling but details about them are not specified.

warnings: angst-(fluff at end), swearing(its bakugo what did you expect) implied married reader and bakugo but not mentioned. Kinda ooc but I tried my best 🥲

You and bakugo had been together for quite some time. You first started the relationship when he was in his second year at UA, but you had known eachother since middle school. So of course you knew eachother very well, and were very close. Or well, as close as you can be with bakugo.

when you first got together he had been quite distant, but you understood. He wasn’t use to this kind of thing, yet it didn’t take him long to adjust. Long story short after he graduated you both ended up moving in together.

you had quickly gotten use to how much bakugo worked. He was so desperate to be the No.1 hero, and of course as his boyfriend/husband you supported him in that. Yet, sometimes you felt that he was more focused on that than you. He was rarely ever home leaving you to do most of the house work, including the laundry, dishes, buying groceries, ect. at first it wasn’t anything to worry about, you were mostly okay with it since you got to stay home most of the time, but sometimes it would get lonley. It was weird… you had been in a relationship for so long and even lived with him yet the house felt so empty and devoid of life. You thought that it was maybe a good idea to bring this up with bakugo. He would understand…right?

You ended up needing to stay up quite late that night waiting for him to return. He always worked overtime just to get his rank higher. He was already in the top ten… why did he worry so much…?

you felt a small jolt of surprise when you heard the front door unlock, sitting up you looked over to see bakugo. Despite being right there he didn’t seem to notice you.

“Katsuki..? Can we talk real quick?” You spoke, trying to seem calm. Despite this your heart was beating like crazy, it felt like some part of you was screaming to not bring up the issues. “Hm? Oh, you’re still awake.” He replied.. yet it seemed quite delayed.

“ah- yeah… but we need to talk.” He looked over with an annoyed expression. “Not right now.” His reply… shocked you to say the least. “Katsuki. It’s important. It’ll be quick I just need to—“ he cut you off with an annoyed sigh. “I said not right now Y/N.”

“This can’t really wait for later—“ he glared. “Do you not get what *not right now* means?” He raised his voice slightly as he spoke, his eyes piercing into your softer gaze. “It’ll be quick—! I swear.” You spoke, hoping that he would take a moment to sit down and hear you out.

he rolled his eyes tilting his head back letting out a dramatic sigh. “Fine. Let’s just get this over with.” I felt a bit of relief as he accepted. I waited a moment as he sat down on the couch beside me. “The hell do you want? It’s so goddamn late.” Despite him agreeing to speak it was clear how much he didn’t want to.

“i… I was thinking, could you maybe… try spending a bit more time at home…? I know how important your hero work is to you- and I don’t want to stop you from reaching your goal but… we haven’t really spent much time together in the last few months, and— I guess I’ve been kinda lonley…?”

he stared at you, his gaze not breaking for even a second as he spoke. You looked back as you finished, expecting him to understand, but instead you were met with a rather… interesting, expression.

his expression gave off the kinda mood of *are you being serious?*

“that’s what this was about? This is what was so fucking important you just had to talk about it right now?”

what he said… it almost hurt slightly. “What…? What do you mean? I think this is something that’s pretty important.” He rolled his eyes at your response. “Tch, I get how needy you are but I can’t just throw away all my work just for you.”

“what-? I- that’s not what I’m saying-! You’re only ever home at night after I’m asleep and you’re gone once I wake up! I’m not being needy! And asking to see you at least once everyday while living in the same house is not being needy!”

his expression made it clear he was pissed off. “Do you not realise how important my work is? How important it is for me to become no.1? Or does it all not matter to you?!” You stare at him in slight shock, it was weird how much he was misunderstanding the situation.

“that’s not what I mean! I just want to spend more time with you-! If I’m going to be stuck at home all day I at least want to see someone-! Especially you!”

“I can’t just throw away my work to spend my whole day with you! My life doesn’t revolve around you!” He stood up looking down at you.

“Katsuki! That’s not what I mean-! You—“ He cut you off. “If you think I can put everything aside just for you then— you’re mistaken.” There was an awkward silence in the room for just a moment. “You should just go.” You stared at him, your eyes locked onto eachother. “What…?” “Tch— I said you should go-!”

“Katsuki— what are you talking about?!”

“…. You know damn well what I mean.”

the silence started again lasting for a good twenty seconds. You could feel the tears building up yet not spilling. “Fine.” You stood up grabbing your phone and keys walking out the door. You didn’t know what to do but just listen.

you looked at your phone for just a moment before texting your sibling, you didn’t really have anywhere to stay so you hoped they would let you crash at their place for a bit. You stare at the small screen… it was late so you could only hope they were still awake to reply. The amount of relief you felt when your screen lit up and a small notification read

..”sure.”

the next few days passed by so painfully slow. You stared at your phone most the time just hoping to see a notification from Bakugo, some sort of apology, or just a check up. nothing.

it didn’t help that he was quite a popular hero, you couldn’t even watch the news without seeing him.

after a full week past without anything from him, you realise that this was most likley an end to your relationship. All these years thrown away simply because you couldn’t handle not being near him.

you picked up your phone hesitating before sending bakugo a simple message.

“im coming over to grab my stuff. Be there in 20.”

you looked as the message sent, of course he left you on read.

despite it only being a 20 minutes drive, it felt like hours. Your mind was racing, you were nervous, scared to see him. As you walked to the front door you hesitated standing there for a good 30 seconds before finally knocking.

your heart was beating fast as the front door opened. “…come in.” He spoke. He looked more tired than ever, if anything it was a surprise he was even home. You simply nodded, stepping inside. The house looked like shit. You weren’t thinking that to be rude, it genuine looked like bakugo wasn’t doing anything to take care of it.

“y/n i—“ he was cut off staring at you, as you gave him the same glare he sent you a week ago. He averted his eyes like he was holding back tears. “Please— let’s… let’s talk about this….?”

“…what is there to talk about. You made it clear how you feel.”

“i— I had some time to think… a… a lot of time and— i- im… Tch— im fucking sorry okay?!”

you continued to stare at him, though the apology was genuine, you were scared to accept. You didn’t want things to just go back to how they were before.

“please y/n i— I didn’t realise how much I need you.. you’re so god damn important to me… i… took you for granted.”

you stayed silent staring at him. It’s not that you were being rude, you simply didn’t know what to say. You could see the desperation in his eyes but didn’t expect him to start tearing up.

“Y/n… please don’t leave me-! I.. I need you… please…” you watched as he grasped your hands tears pouring down his face as he struggled to even breath.

“im sorry for everything I said I— I had so much time to think and… I didn’t have my priorities straight! So please let’s just… let’s talk over this okay…?”

without a word you lifted a hand up wiping the tears from bakugos eyes before resting a hand on his cheek. “You’ll do better this time right…? It won’t just go back to how it was before…?”

you could see a spark in his eyes now that you finally answered. “I promise-! I— it won’t happen again just— please— don’t leave me…”

you let out a soft sigh. “I won’t leave you. And… I forgive you.” You heald onto his hands gently for just a moment before he pulled you in holding you close.

“i… don’t know how I ever took a man like you for granted.”

(end)

[the-fiction-witch]

Baby Making P2

Media The Maze Runner

Character Newt

Couple Newt X Reader

Rating Smut

Requested: this was a request I know many people where asking for it but I seem to have lost the requests I had for it

I had to admit I was rather excited and so utterly full of love at the idea that newt and I were to make a baby together but I could pretty much tell he was beyond excited as he approached my little cave I had tried into a house using half a tent, as he approached he basically bounced and skipped with excitement with a smile so wide you'd think he was a kid should just been shown the worlds largest bar of chocolate. Probably not helped by the fact I had pushed my bra up and purposely had a long shower, both of which he immediately noticed but by the look of things he'd had a good shower too.

"Uhhh hi," he nervously smiled, 

"Hi newt," I giggled, 

"So uhhh," he began acting like it was our first date or something,

"Shall we?" I smiled and offered my hand,

"Okay," he nodded excitedly and took my hand, so I tugged him inside with me.

I zipped up the tent behind us and we sat down on my bed beside one another, for a moment there was nothing but silence, 

"So?" I giggled,

"So... I uhh I'll be honest love I uhh I didn't think I'd get this far,"

"That's sweet Newt, but this shouldn't be too hard I mean we spent all that time in the glade trying to make sure babies didn't happen, I suppose now, we just sort of need to do the opposite,"

"Yeah just kinda break all the rules we had,"

"Exactly,"

"All our rules?"

"I think so,"

"So I can actually... go inside now."

"Well, how else are you gonna put the baby in me Newtie?"

"Sorry I just uhhh you know, spent a long time being told no and now I'm suddenly told yes it's a big jarring,"

"Well, yes you can go inside."

"I can? finally?"

"Yes, newt."

"Yes! You have no idea how long I've waited! so long of fingers and kisses and.. all I've ever wanted was to... well uhh you know."

"It's okay I know you're excited." I giggled, "Just relax and do what you wanna do," I told him,

He quickly moved and captured my lips in a sweet kiss I happily kissed him back and rested my hand on his shirt, I felt his heart beating quickly and his breath sharp with excitement. We kissed slowly and gently but with a fire burning behind him for a good while before finally his hands took action and where did they go? Immediately his hands cupped my breasts in my push-up bra resting his hands on each and stroking his thumbs across the soft padding. Becuase it's newt and I told him he could do what he wanted of course the first thing he does is grab my boobs. He pulled back and spoke up, "I uhh I have a weird request."

"Other than you putting a baby in me?"

"Yeah..."

"Go on,"

"Can uhh... can you keep the bra on."

"...why?" I giggled, 

"I mean I do... really, really love your boobs. But I always get to play with them its the other part of you I'm more excited about tonight" He blushed, "Plus... this bra makes them look bloody fantastic." he said not even talking to my face talking to my boobs,

"Alright if that's what you want," I smiled, I lifted my shirt and threw it to the floor,

"God I love you," he groaned throwing his jacket off before his hands grabbed my breasts again kissing me again, I happily kissed him back stroking his sweet shirt as our kisses got deeper and deeper, He pushed me down softly until my back laid on my bed "Are uhh are you ready?"

"I am." I smiled, "Let's make a baby newtie."

"Let's make a baby" he cooed he happily kissed me again his hands working on getting his shirt off, he tossed it to the side and quickly worked on getting my shorts off. He tugged them off as we kissed until he tugged them off completely. He smirked as he pulled away, "Can I?"

"You can." I cooed,

He smirked and tugged off my panties, "I love you so much," He growled and kissed down my stomach pushing my thighs apart I giggled as he eagerly kissed down until he began kissing my clit, 

"Ohh Newt!" I cooed stroking his hair as he kissed and licked, 

"You're already so excited" he cooed slipping his fingers inside me for a few thrusts but soon he pulled back

"Newt..." I whined,

"I know, I know, we usually do so much more but... I can't wait any longer." he smirked, undoing his pants, "You won't miss my fingers too bad, now I get to use this?" he smirked as he stroked his stiff erection, 

"Umm I have been looking forward too it" I giggled, opening my legs a little wider,

"Ohh I bet you have love." he cooed kissing down my neck a little before he slowly and carefully pushed inside "Oh my god.Oh my god.Oh my god."

"You okay?" I gasped feeling him inside me, it was so much better than his fingers ever were, 

"I think my brain is melting..."

"Really?"

"Oh my god. You feel so good... it's amazing. you're amazing!"

"you haven't even moved yet..." I giggled,

"I know, I'll go slow I promise" he nodded gently moving his hips slowly and gently "Oh my god. Bloody hell! Love! I am really really sorry this isn't gonna last very long! You have no clue how amazing this is! after all this time,"

I was already struggling too feeling his gentle movements "I know, after all this time was it worth the wait?"

"So so much love!"

"Yeah, I think so too," I smirked grabbing his hand and moving it to my clit, he smirked and happily began to speed up causing me to have to muffle my screams but so did he as he got faster and faster rubbing on my clit as much as he could he was biting his lip squeezing his eyes shut trying desperately not to cum already I was doing my best too but it suddenly hit me like a tone of bricks and I squealed tightening around him as I hit my toe curling orgasm it felt so much better with him inside me "Ughhhhh Newt!" I knew he was struggling just to hold on feeling me cum around him but he kept going as I gasped I stroked his lower stomach trying to help him relax and after only a few short thrusts he buried himself as deep as he could and I felt him cum inside me. 

"Ughh.... love...I uhhh ughh..."

"It's okay," I cooed 

He pulled out and collapsed beside me on my bed, "Bloody hell... that felt amazing."

"Umm mhm..." I cooed cuddling up to him, 

"Awww you happy love?"

"Very very happy newt,"

"Good,"

"It's kinda weird" I spoke up after a while,

"Ohh what me ... you know."

"yeah, it's an odd sensation I feel... weirdly sticky."

"sorry."

"It's fine such is the way of babymaking."

"Ummm baby making. You think we made a baby?"

"I don't know we'll have to wait and see." I cooed, "But... I don't mind trying again."

"Me either." he smirked pulling me closer and into a kiss, "I do hope we get a little baby soon."

"me too, any ideas for a name?"

"Humm... ughhh for a boy? ohh god uhhhh..."

"I'm not naming him Tommy."

"No that's fair."

"Or Minho, they'd both get big heads about it."

"Good point."

"Alby?"

"Ehh,"

"George?"

"Mehh."

"Ben?"

"No, I'm still mad at him,"

"Fair enough, chuckie?"

"umm... maybe," I shrug "Feels weird naming it after someone we know."

"Fair enough, any ideas?"

"Newt jr?" I giggled

"No don't curse the poor kid." 

"What about Warner?"

"Warner? didn't you see that on like a building in the scorch?"

"Yeah, it's a good name I like it." 

"Little warner, I like it too." he cooed kissing my head,

"What about for a girl?"

"... Lizzy."

"why?"

"I don't know... I just really like the name Lizzy, not sure why."

"I like it too little Lizzy,"

"well, no matter what you know I'll love you and our little baby. I just hope I can stay around long enough to watch your belly grow and meet our little one."

"I'm sure you will Newt we just need to do some more tests and things and then I'm sure you'll be good as new and you and I can watch little Lizzy or little warner grow up in the safe haven like a happy little child without the worries and fears we faced."

"I hope so." 

[harukyuu2]

Heyy could I request a Rui + N25 x reader who can speak Korean and basically has Sua's voice from alnst and character walks in on them singing ruler of my heart and sweet dream in their room and then character is basically in awe of how nice their voice sounds like

and now character wants to hear them sing often<3

I hope you see this lmao no need to rush this btww

hii ofc ofc, i love how a bunch of alnst anons appeared love y'all a lot!! - sorry i took pretty longg 😭😭

The sweet voice of an angel! Rui + N25 x Sua!reader

!! - Lots of fluff, short headcanons, established relationship, neutral reader but hints of being a female since its inspired on Sua !!, use of petnames, neutral pronouns for Mizuki, small revision only

▸ Summary

You invited your S/o over to finish a school project you two were working on together. It was taking longer than expected, so in the end, they decided to just sleep over at your place! You lent them some clothes and made them take a shower while you tried to make some progress on the project. Still, you hadnt had too much time to practice your singing lately, and you needed to rehearse two songs for an upcoming performance. Maybe singing while working on the project wouldnt be too much for your brain to handle, right?

× This guy changed up and grabbed some snacks from the kitchen to surprise you when he comes back

× So he is kinda surprised to hear you singing while he wasnt there, a sweet smile forming in his lips, happy to have such a cute couple

× He would just spy on you in the doorframe until you notice him, he would leave a small laugh if you got scared

"My father, my universe

절벽 위 그 끝에 선

My father, my-....RUI!?" - It scared the shit out of you seeing all of the sudden a static tall figure on the door

"Aw, be careful honey...i wouldnt like you bitting your tongue from the flinch"

× Since he went away to take a shower while you worked, he would convice you to sing as a break while he continues the project

× Hearing your voice soothes him so much that he wouldnt mind finishing the project alone if it means listening to you sing ‘Sweet Dreams’ over and over again

× When you end your practices he would give you a kiss in the forehead with praises on how youre such a good singer, the blush that creeps on your cheeks just push him to continue with a small teasing

"Okay- Rui, lemme continue with..." - You cutted his teasing since it was making you blush and feel more warm than you could handle, but he quickly talked over you again

"No no sweetheart, you already did a lot for the project. Just continue singing while i finish this, alright?"

× Probably leaves a weird comment but he doesnt notice it could come as weird, he just thinks of it with the love he feels for you

"I should leave a robot that records you while im not here...so i can hear you singing even when were not together!"

× Dramatically offended, like- HOW YOU DARE TO SING WHILE THEY ARENT PRESENT??

"Ruler of my heart, ruler of my heart..."

"Yeah, youre NOT ruling my heart right now, youre destroying it with this betray!" - You hear a dramatic certain person interrupting you in the background

× Dont let them fool you, they were probably spying on you since a while, but didnt say anything because their heart was melting from hearing their cute couple sing and just be perfect and ughhh-

× Genuinely, you will have to give them a small concert as an apology bcs they love your voice so much!! you betrayed them!!

× Would tease you cheering you up like if it was a real concert, loves when they see a blush creeping on your usual calm expression

"Go! go! reader! go!! Youre my bias wuuuh!!"

"It's just sweet dream, 오늘이야...Mizuki shut up..."

"Woah! I dont remember that being on the song!!"

× The project was forgotten long ago since Mizuki wanted to have a lovey dovey moment with their couple, they can resist it!! Youre like- so cute, just like a doll!

× at the end, you convice them of continuing the project by promising to sing them when you two were about to go to sleep

"Fiiineee, but sing for me too while I dress you up! I'd love to see how some ribbons look on you… I think I have a dress that would look lovely on you too!!"

× Even if this girl doesnt assist to school and just does it online, she wanted to help you with a project where your partner leaved you alone because they were sick

× She tried to leave home and failed succesfully, so you had to go into hers...

× It also helps her take a break from composing and find some inspiration for something new! And she’s happy that you’re here to remind her when to eat and take care of her.

× She is kinda surprised when she comes back and hears you singing while she wasnt around. She isnt mad or anything tho, when you notice her on the door she just has a small smile on her face

"Is that the new song you told me you had to practice...?"

× Conviced you to continue singing while doing the project because she loves the way your voice soothes her up, the warm feeling she feels when you sing is something she wants to recreate with her songs

× While you sing doing the project, she would randomly stand up because the inspiration hitted her and her obsession with composing songs camed back, it never leaved..

"아마 내게 아침은 오지 않을 거야... Kanade?"

"Ah... Sorry, reader, inspiration hit me thanks to you— give me a moment and I’ll help you later if you need," - she would say to you with a gentle smile, which made you nod. It wasnt the first time Kanade had done this— she kinda gets inspired when you sing in Korean.

× Entering her room after a while, you find the surprise that she composed a beat inspired on your gentle tone, she would just smile at you kinda embarassed but still trying to remain with a calm expression

"You inspire me a lot, is it ok if i use this for N25? is the first time in a while i made such a soothing beat..."

× Ena would be amused to hear you sing when she comes back, as Mizuki— she would pretend to be a little offended but not too dramatically

"Was it necessary for me to leave the room so you could sing..? - She leaves a sigh but the clear smile on her face tells a whole different story from her being mad

× Wouldnt mind doing the project while you sing, after all she thinks you two have plenty of time to finish it

× She probably got distracted sketching you while you sing, its just— youre too cute to not be used as a muse! She wouldnt show you the drawings tho, too much embarassment to handle..

× Same goes for taking pictures of you when you dont expect it, probably sends it to Akito just to tease him on how she got a couple before him

"My savior, 가련한 영혼이여

I don’t believe. you are a liar..." - The sound of a picture being taken distracts you - Did you just snap a photo of me?? delete it! - You say with a gentle smile but a hint of embarassment is in your face

"Whaatt?? no, i didnt. Stop saying nonsense." - She exclaims with a frown while sending the photo to Akito with a little message included: "Die alone while i enjoy time with my couple!!"

"Is this because i ate your cheesecake...? dramatic aah" - Akito would respond after like five hours of practice

× Just like with Mizuki, you two got distracted taking pictures with filters and sharing a moment together instead of working on the project— so now, you have to stay up late to finish it!!

"Dont worry, i always stay up until late so we wont have a big problem ending it. Just dont wake me up early tomorrow..."

× This girl would just stop in the doorframe, look at you straightly for a moment before saying "What are you doing?" × Dont misinterpret her, though—she’s not mad or anything. Its just that your singing is one of the few things that actually makes her feel something and that she can say she likes. So why would you do it while she left? × She would just nod at your explanation, but at the end you would end up singing with her on your side while you two start with the project again × Mafuyu is pretty intelligent, so she might randomly tell you that part of the project is wrong just to do it herself—internally, she wants to do it so you can focus more on singing than finishing the project "Reader, you got the answer wrong here..." - Mafuyu would say pointing it at you "Ah- really? sorry, let me-" - She cutted you before you could end the sentence, with a shake of her head while grabbing your pencil "No, focus on singing...i can handle this part." × The project is finished before you could realize, and in the end you two are on a comfortable space where the only sound is your voice. × Mafuyu cant help but feel a little weird—this is soothing, an emotion she forgot a while ago, but its starting to come back thanks to N25 and you. "Can you keep singing..? dont worry about me, i'll just listen to you while i rest."

[watchtowerindistress]

the empath and the eldritch horror (5/5) - sparrow!ben x empath!reader

Summary: Ben and Eight have breakfast together. Diego is being weird-er than usual. Two manipulators (more or less) have a heart to heart. Ben and Eight have the best and the worst day together.

Word count: 5.6k

Warning: language, mention of smut, angst (kinda?)

Author's note: Yes, this ends on a cliffhanger note, but that's only because the finale episode will be used as a recap in the new series, so you'll be picked up for the next ride. The Ben/Eight scene during the one hour reprieve can be read as a deleted scene since I couldn't just leave that out.

Just so you know, if you're interested in the sequel series for S4, you can already enter the taglist. Just access the series masterlist, the rest is gravy. 😘 I'm going to take a break after this since I'm getting mentally tired - maybe I depleted all there was for this character for now.

Dear me, thank you for 1.8k. Remember guys, reblogging and writing a small comment is love. Let me know if you even liked this.

Series masterlist

There was just so much to choose from, you realized, when you were standing in front of the buffet, admiring the breakfast collection. Your stomach emitted a rumbling noise to signal its craving for food. You just started filling your breakfast tray when Ben joined your side.

“Here, have some vitamins,” you said, popping a pineapple cube into his mouth.

A grunt left Ben’s mouth. He paused awkwardly before he slowly munched on the fruit. Ben wiped his mouth. “You’re lucky I—you’re alright. You do remember me punching your brother for wanting a hug, right?”

It felt surreal to have him not being his snarky self. Without him hissing at every turn. Ben’s behavior in the elevator should’ve been indicative enough of how the morning after was treating him.

“Is this the hangover talking or are you losing your touch? Because I remember you being way more hostile when you want to be.”

Ben groaned loudly at being caught unawares. “Just give me a few minutes with a cup of coffee, alright? Then I’m back to insulting your whole family.” The corners of his mouth tensed until he managed a smirk.

Your eyes widened comically, clutching your throat. “I was getting worried for a second there,” you retorted before taking a sip from your cup of tea. Feeling satisfied with your yogurt and selection of fruits and cereals, you playfully brushed your shoulder against his and strolled to the dining area.

You chuckled quietly to yourself when you felt him inquisitively turn his head towards you.

Okay, fine. You were kinda flirting with Ben.

But sometimes it was just fun to tease him and to ruffle his feathers a bit since that guy was all about control.

You pulled out the chair at a long banquet table which was covered by a white tablecloth and took a seat with a small sigh. The sweet taste of a juicy strawberry was barely in your mouth before you were reintroduced to Ben’s company who seated himself next to you. He dropped his chin on the palm of his hand, suffering in silence. Which didn’t actually sound like the Ben you knew.

Maybe this was Ben’s idea of a small pity party. Not needing another convincing of him, you touched his forehead without averting your eyes from your food.

Ben groaned while closing his eyes. Bit by bit, he managed to regain his energy. “Oh damn, that’s nice.”

“It was starting to distract me,” you calmly let him know. As soon as you felt him slowly being himself again, you dropped your hand next to your cutlery.

Ben stared intently at you. “Oh, my mistake. How could I dare for having a hangover, right?” He smirked sardonically before he drank from his coffee. “And here I thought you were being all altruistic. Maybe you’re just like me after all.” He inclined his head, like he knew something you didn’t.

The moment when you stirred your cereals into the fruit yogurt, something else crossed your mind. Ever since this morning his mind was preoccupied with morose thoughts. Something must have gotten to him in the wee hours.

You exhaled unevenly. “What’s wrong?”

“Why would there be something wrong?” Ben settled his arms on the table, turning his head towards you with a small smile on his face. Despite the energy surge, Ben’s eyes looked tired.

“Well, if it’s not your emotions revealing themselves, it’s certainly that look in your eyes,” you said softly.

Ben grunted low in his throat. There was something he hadn’t been able to forget, as much as he tried to bury it to the back of his head.

“Ah, classic defense mechanism. Pushing away the people who care about you the most. Just like Dad.”

Ben inhaled deeply and spoke almost absentmindedly. “Klaus said something.”

Remembering one of the first words he uttered while in the elevator, you nodded. Wondering what it was that Klaus said that would make Ben feel so uneasy.

“It really must have gotten to you, huh?”

“Enough to make me want to punch him in the face.” Ben smirked faintly.

“But you didn’t. That has to count for something.” The semblance of pride remained in your voice at the minimum of self-control.

~ Diego POV ~

From afar, Diego and Lila observed Ben and you having breakfast together. Almost in slow motion, Diego’s eyes followed your hand movements when you reached forward to cover Ben’s forehead, swiping his hair to the side while doing it. Barely even noticing the golden shimmer under her palm.

The serene and blissed-out expression on his face made Diego frown. “What the fuck?” Diego muttered under his breath, stalking towards the two of you.

He felt Lila’s fingers clench around his bicep. “Easy there, tiger. Your sister doesn’t have time for your testosterone bullshit,” she calmly whispered into his ear, trying to be some sort of voice of reason. A deed which didn’t sound right in his head. Lila wasn’t exactly known for being reasonable or calm.

“It’s not bullshit if mean Ben just wants to get his tentacles into my sister.” Diego waved towards the little shit. He felt the twitching in his fingers, as they reached for one of his knives in the holster around his ribs.

Lila leaned her arms around Diego’s shoulders, muttering quietly. “Overprotective Diego is kind of a turn-on,” Her voice turned normal again. “Come on, just let your sister have a wee bit of fun for once. I mean, are you behaving like such a controlling, big brother that you don’t even want your sister having a good shag?”

Despite Lila’s flirting or intimate gestures, Diego felt far too tense—not to mention, he was way too in his head—to react accordingly to his girlfriend’s needs. He whipped his head around, feeling slightly nauseated at the mere thought. “What did you say? You think they’re having sex?”

“I’m saying I don’t know. Why?” Lila pulled her head back, slightly befuddled. “What did you mean?”

“I meant that he’s still Dad’s kid. A damn Sparrow. Strategic power move, you know? Keep your enemies closer and whatever. I mean, since when are those two so chummy?”

“Diego, calm your tits.” Lila implored him with a soothing tone, widening her eyes. She enunciated her next words with a deep voice. “We don’t know what’s going on. Is it that surprising that your sweetheart of a sister makes friends with literally everyone? I thought everything was cool.”

Diego’s hard glare met Lila. “That was before, Lila.” Squaring his shoulders, he stalked briskly towards you. Something flashed in his eyes. “Let’s find out.”

She whisper-hissed, “What do you mean let’s find out? Diego!”

“I’m proud of you,” you added with a tad of mischief and gentleness shining in your eyes.

Out of nowhere, the chair opposite of you was pulled out by Diego, rendering you both silent. With a loud grunt, he sat down, bracing his arms on the table. “Hey, what’s up with you two?” Diego’s gaze alternated between Ben and you, it was almost the scrutinizing kind.

You paused from eating your yogurt, feeling stumped by the nature of the question. “Having breakfast?” You arched your eyebrows, speaking slowly. “What are you guys doing?” The question was uttered more out of courtesy, getting the feeling that Lila didn’t intend to take up more of your time. Despite that you watched her tentatively take a seat next to Diego. You didn’t think it was possible for Lila doing anything tentatively.

“Same as you,” Diego said, taking a sip from his cup of joe while keeping his gaze set on the two of you.

“Someone’s being serious,” you muttered before leaning towards Lila, needing something to lift the mood. “I heard the two of you were being some horndogs.” You wiggled your eyebrows.

“Oh, Y/N, you know, a lady never does kiss and tell.”

You smiled, provocatively tilting your head. “And what would you call yourself then?”

Gasping mockingly, Lila guffawed with laughter.

“Care to tell what you guys did once the party was over?” Like a bucket of ice-cold water drenching the atmosphere, Diego interjected.

Before you could react, Ben answered for you. “What do you care?” He braced his arm around his chair.

Diego smirked sarcastically, trying to get under his skin. “And here I thought we were becoming best buds.”

You tilted your head. If anything, Ben got to Diego before you could’ve said your piece. “No, I’m kinda with Ben here. Why are you in detective mode?” Widening your eyes, you inquired with both parts levity and earnest fascination. “Wait, did someone actually die?” You kept weaving that hypothetical scenario in your head.

“Nobody died, I think,” Lila threw in. After throwing a secondary glance at Diego, she affirmed stronger. “Nobody died. Don’t mind Diego,” Lila replied, soothingly stroking his shoulder. “He didn’t get much sleep last night. Didn’t you, love?” Lila articulated with a firm tone, intending to jog his memory.

“I told you, babe, this is important,” Diego retorted forcefully.

“And I’m telling you, you’re behaving like the weirdest guy ever. Now is not the time. Now, come on, let’s get moving before I change my mind.” She shook Diego’s shoulders from behind when he didn’t move a muscle. “Diego, I’m serious. Move your cute bum.”

With great reluctance, Diego finally relented. But not before sending you two a meaningful glance.

“What was that all about?” Ben asked almost boredly once the both of them walked away. Or more like Lila dragged your brother away. Ben sank his teeth into a cucumber with relish, emitting a delicious crunch as he stared after them.

“That’s Diego in detective mode for you. My theory with a whodunit still stands, you know?”

Ben hummed. “And what a tragedy it would be if someone didn’t wind up dead,” he said with a sardonic smirk.

You merely threw him a dry expression at Ben’s idea of a good time.

“So, you heard about that family meeting dad called in?” Ben inquired and continued speaking when he heard you sigh wearily. “You going to show up?”

There was something about Reginald calling in a meeting that felt like more of an emotional chore to pull through. Your eyes looked into the distance. “He probably has some sort of devil’s advocate favor to ask.”

Ben arched an intrigued brow. “So, you’d rather he influenced the rest of your family instead? Klaus doesn’t seem that opposed to gaining his favor.”

With your eyes narrowing, you saw right through him. “Don’t manipulate me.”

He shrugged without a care. “It’s not manipulation when you know it’s a manipulation.”

You tilted your head in consideration. “I don’t think that’s how it goes.”

“Just saying, you don’t think there are a few other people who would join his side if given the chance?” Ben probed even further, “Maybe Allison or maybe even the dynamic duo we just had over?”

A gleam was shining in your eyes when you pursed your lips. “You do realize I was going to show up either way before you decided to confront me with your sales pitch, right?”

Ben lost all the fight in his body when he leaned back in his chair with a huffing exhale. “Why do I even bother with you?”

Five was the last to join the family meeting when Reginald and him entered the lobby. The younger Hargreeves was confronted with boisterous applause when he went across the carpet to sit on the armchair by the wall, sending you back to drunk Five during the wedding.

Klaus clapped his hands. “Woo! Five! Yeah!”

A sarcastic Diego agreed by mentioning, “That speech last night! Wow!”

Lila joined the spectacle. “Brought me to tears, you big softy.”

You sat between Ben and Klaus on the round mustard-colored sitting area when Ben impatiently covered his forehead at everyone’s antics.

Five waved a hand. “Okay. Enough. It was the booze talking. In the light of day, you’re all still deplorable.”

“And your day’s about to get worse,” Reginald added ominously. Your inquisitive eyes met him anchoring a thickly bound journal to his chest. “As a boy, I heard the legend of the eight bells. All these stories are the same. The village is under threat by flood, by fire, by a night that never ends. A shaman brings his disciples to a sacred cave.”

Lila laid with her head in Diego’s lap. There was something in her eyes which told you she didn’t fully believe the tale yet.

“He tells them if they can ring the magic bells, the village will be saved and all will be restored just as it was. None of you can deny what’s going on around us. All of existence will be gone by the end of the day, but whoever or whatever wove together space and time, they left a way to put things back together if the universe ever faced total annihilation. There is a portal in the universe. I built this hotel around it, and on the other side is the answer.”

Luther voiced your inner thoughts. “And… we’re supposed to, what? Just stroll in there, ring some bells, and fix this shit?” Sloane leaned against him, seeking comfort while her hand slung around his arm.

“Sarcasm aside, you are mostly right. Except for the guardian.”

Viktor filled the tense silence. “What kind of guardian?”

With a calm voice, Diego explained, “Kinda guardian that does this. He had a sword.” He held up a hand which had two fingers missing.

Eyeing the missing appendages, you spoke dryly, “Sounds like the stakes are pretty low then. Not to mention very convenient.”

“It is a force to be reckoned with,” Reginald assured fervently.

Still, Viktor remained cautious by this reveal. “Why would the builders of this ‘back door’ need to have a guardian?”

Sloane raised a hand, speaking all too eagerly, “Ah! To protect it from people who want to use it for nefarious means.”

There was something about Reginald’s agenda which irked you to no end. Especially with some sort of guardian protecting this reset device. “Guess we’re gonna be the ones who will use it for nefarious means,” you retorted sarcastically.

If there was one thing you could trust about Reginald, it was that he couldn’t be trusted. So, you wondered what he wasn’t telling everyone since this whole story seemed way too convenient for already offering a way out of this mess.

It was obvious where Allison stood with all of this. “So it’s gonna take all of us to defeat the thing protecting the bells.”

Like he already made up his mind when he came to this gathering, Ben stood up and positioned himself next to Reginald. Despite the unwavering loyalty being drilled into him at a young and impressionable age, uncertainty still simmered under the surface. “I’m in.”

Diego followed. “Me too.” Lila winced when he left her side abruptly, making her jolt her head on the sofa.

Your eyes scrutinized Ben’s unhesitating willingness, especially with Diego joining the mix—all too willing to go all Batman again.

“Well, I say we vote,” Viktor offered diplomatically.

Ben glared at him. “This isn’t a democracy. Dad’s calling the shots.”

“I’m with Viktor,” Five agreed. “We vote.”

“The world is ending, and you want to count hands?” Reginald exclaimed in incredulity. With Ben silently agreeing with him who wanted this to get done as quickly as possible.

“You’re asking us to risk our lives,” Luther—ever the mediator among the family—threw in. “I think it’s only fair you give us time to discuss it. Privately.” After hearing Reginald make an indignant huff, he continued, “Why don’t we meet back here in an hour?”

After a tired sigh, Reginald brushed his hand against Ben’s shoulder as he passed him by.

“Agreed,” Five added.

You didn’t need the extra hour to make up your mind. You tasted the cold dessert in your mouth while your back leaned against the balcony on the roof top.

“So, it’s a portal, right?”

Ben sighed, digging with his spoon into the tub of ice cream between you. “Yes, it’s a portal from where I can summon eldritch monsters.”

“Then, if you had the choice what other monsters would you pull through your body?”

Ben groaned loudly at that. “You know, I didn’t have that in mind when you said we’d have some fun.”

“Come on, this is fun.” You giggled, waving your hand towards the sky. “These are some front row seats to the apocalypse. I’m trying to get to know you with these questions. Ergo, a fun time.” You pursed your lips. “I’m thinking probably a creature who has the skin of a snake, lots of eyes. Maybe some sort of Medusa, you know?”

Ben nodded indulgently. “Definitely.”

“It’s your turn.”

Ben exhaled. “Do we have to turn this into a game?”

“It’s called a two-way street. Otherwise, I would just be the one talking which I don’t mind—to a certain degree.”

“Of course.”

“This way you could divulge what interests you in return.”

“What is that called?”

“An interaction, you dork.” You chuckled, brushing your shoulder against his. “Can be anything. Favorite foods, cereal first or milk, favorite sibling.”

“How do you see the auras?”

You turned your head. “That’s your first question? You want to talk about powers?”

Ben shrugged his shoulders in justification, exclaiming, “You were the one who did this first. Besides, I already know who your favorite sibling is.”

“Wait, what?”

“So, let’s get back to power talk.” Ben continued when he heard you grumbling, “How do you see them? You keep mentioning clouds.”

You finally sighed, making up your mind. “Every person has some sort of smoky cloud following behind in a specific color. All those colors just have a different meaning.”

“What’s mine?”

“What do you think yours is?”

“Let me guess, anger?” Ben smirked, having speculated from all your conversations.

“And green.” You looked at him with a serene expression.

“What’s that?” He arched an eyebrow, smirking mockingly. “Hope?”

“It’s willpower.”

Ben averted his gaze before he hid his smile. “Oh wow, you really know how to build a guy up.” His dark eyes met yours again. “Have you seen yours?”

You could remember the handful of times you saw the familiar colors while passing reflections. “Yellow and violet. Fear and love.”

“Fear and love—” Ben quietly repeated to himself. “What’s that like?”

“Haven’t you ever loved something so much you were afraid you were going to lose it?”

There was hesitation in his eyes. “… Can’t say I have.”

You felt your mind wandering elsewhere as you leaned with your arms against the railing overseeing the lobby. The others had withdrawn for some peace and quiet to make their choices. It was barely half an hour left before the rest would have to reconvene.

Tensing your shoulders, you reared your head. Needing a moment for you to breathe mindfully again.

“Are you here for some peace and quiet?”

If there was one voice you didn’t expect to hear, it was Allison’s.

You didn’t bother turning your head, hoping that Allison could read your disposition that you weren’t good for company. At last, you murmured, “I thought some solitude might do the trick, but I guess that’s out of the window now.”

Her long suffering sigh could’ve bridged the distance. Allison was torn between staying or going before she seemed to make up her mind. She exhaled deeply and took her time in joining you at the banister. “Here we are … another day, another apocalypse. Who’d have thought we’d be here again, huh?”

You had already gone tired from any affectation. “Why are you here, Allison?”

A reminiscent smile tugged at her lips. “You know, there was never any bullshitting with you. No pretending. I kinda loved and hated that about you at the same time. That day at the Sparrow Academy, you saw me. For what I really was. When everything was out in the open, when the others saw what I did, I was … afraid that you would try to influence my emotions and then I was almost anticipating you to when you didn’t.”

Something akin to disappointment rose in you at this recurring notion.

“That’s not who I am. I won’t be subjected to being a painkiller you can just take when you can’t deal with something.” As soon as you said it, you remembered who you were talking to and that there was a 50/50 chance that she would misunderstand and think you meant the reset of her daughter and not anything in general.

Before you could clarify, Allison beat you to it. “I know that now.”

There was hesitance in your eyes when you chose your words carefully. “Why is it exactly you’re wanting to talk to me?”

“You’re probably one of the only people in this family who doesn’t want to kill me … yet.”

It still came out of left field that Allison said that out loud. Despite that you raised your eyebrows at the astute observation of your siblings. “Yet. With some exceptions.” With an exhale, you averted your gaze. “As much as I understand and feel what you’re going through, I can’t cross the line into your darkness.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Then tell me you’ll be satisfied—happy when all of this is said and done,” you implored.

“I don’t know. I hope so. This rage … it’s all I have left. I’m scared I would fall apart if I just let myself feel things.” With her eyes shining wistfully, Allison continued, “What do you see when you look at me? The truth, please.”

You didn’t need to look at the wisps of smoke to discern the black and red colors surrounding her like an ominous beacon. “Pain,” you inhaled, feeling your chest tightening. “… and rage.”

Allison’s laughter echoed with a choked voice. “True.” She sent you a cursory glance. “Isn’t it strange that with our powers being so similar, our paths still deviated?”

“Well, our powers don’t shape us. We are the ones who choose how we use them.”

“That’s a very black and white perception to have.”

“Only when you’re telling yourself it’s the power making you do bad stuff, instead of the other way around.”

Allison shook her head. Perhaps a part of her felt rattled that you didn’t take the bait and rather painted her in such a light that it was her own doing for becoming a cunning person for misusing her powers like that. “I just don’t get it. How you could remain untainted by all of this. You have no idea what it’s like having someone like you grow up beside us.”

“It’s not like you ever gave me a shot, did you?” You replied monotonously. “Found someone else to blame other than the obvious culprit?”

If it was possible, Allison’s huffing breath elevated her level of frustration even more. “I get it, I’ve been a shitty sister.” Her gaze wandered around in thought. “The thing is, we don’t have a lot of time. You always struck me as this sensible and sorta neutral person, so I guess, I wondered on which side you fell on?”

“The unsurprising one. You’ll find out like the others, don’t worry.”

Not satisfied by that answer, Allison clenched her jaw and licked her lips before she accepted your words with a small nod. Your gut was telling you that she intended to mentally join her side. Her back was already turned to yours when you threw one last shot.

“To answer your question, I never wanted to hurt people with my power. That’s the difference between us. So, either tell me, you know what you’re doing and that you’ll draw the consequences from your actions or promise you’ll find a way back to us.”

There was an added layer with the tension in her body when Allison stopped in her tracks.

“I promise.”

It was unsurprising how fast an hour could pass when time was of the essence. The moment of truth called as soon as the question was uttered whether the other side should be crossed. You sat between Viktor and the just married twosome of Luther and Sloane on the stairs, calmly waiting for Allison to finish her take.

“-which way I’ll be voting. We’ve all been through a lot. We’ve all lost people.” She sent an awkward glance towards Five who leaned against the illuminated pillar. “Mannequins… But their deaths have to mean something. Which is why I’ll be voting to go with Dad.”

Lila’s quiet muttering to Diego, “What she said,” wasn’t as muted as she wanted to believe when your eyes met the two over your shoulder. She hollered, pumping her fist while following Allison’s example when she sauntered to Reginald’s side. “Let’s go save the bloody universe!”

In turn, Diego moved away from the pillar and decisively walked towards the stairs with the rest of us. “All right, well, since she said yes, I vote stay. How’s that for nice?” Diego stared with defiance at Lila, offering a shallow smile.

“I am with Father.” Klaus spoke with a low dramatic voice. He waved his hand at the aforementioned man, with a flower in his palm.

Ben offered Reginald an indiscernible nod at Klaus’ reaction, making you frown.

Sighing at Allison’s gaze, Viktor spoke softly. “Look, I want to believe, okay? I really do.” He waved his hands. “I just can’t shake the feeling we don’t know what we’re getting ourselves into.”

The thunderclap echoing in the distance was a dire warning that time was a rare currency you didn’t have.

Allison crossed her arms, stubbornly refusing to accept his stance. “No, but we know what we’ve got if we don’t. We have to go into this together.” Her imploring stare switched over to the rest still sitting on the stairs. “Viktor.” She smiled softly. “A family.”

Viktor’s body language turned weary and incredulous. “You can’t just keep throwing the word ‘family’ around. It isn’t enough. I vote stay.”

Hugging Sloane from behind, Luther’s hands brushed against her shoulders, gazing at her from above. “Um… Sloane and I talked, and-”

Offering her silent support, Sloane covered his hand comfortingly.

“Well, we’re out,” Luther continued, “Look, we wanna spend whatever time we have left together, and not fighting some guy with a sword and ringing bells and stuff. So…”

“Four in, four out,” Viktor summarized.

“I saw the future, and it told me to sit this one out. I vote stay.” Five arched an eyebrow at Reginald. “It’s time we accept our fate.” Slowly, his head swiveled around until his green eyes met yours. “The moment of truth,” he mumbled as encouragement.

Absentmindedly, you licked your lips in consideration. “We jump from one apocalypse to the next. Maybe I’m tired of jumping into the next one.” You shrugged your shoulders. “Maybe this is supposed to happen, who knows? I’d rather we choose to live or die on our own terms than face something we aren’t prepared for. So, I’d rather stay.”

“This is insane,” Ben exclaimed, waving a hand. “So, you’d rather give up than to even try fighting?”

“Sounds like a great idea—confronting an enemy we know nothing about except it can chop off digits. Sounds like someone to be reasoned with.”

Ben shook his head with a grimace. “You didn’t strike me as a little scaredy-cat. There’s something called strength in numbers, you know?”

His adamancy in trying to change your mind made you frown. “You actually expected me to go pro-Reginald? In what world?”

“Maybe I expected more from you,” Ben hissed in a whisper.

The others revealed a mildly astonished expression at Ben’s reaction to your line in the sand, throwing each other furtive glances.

Diego crossed his arms, wasting no time in standing close to you. “Dude, she said no.”

Ben pointed at Diego as his shoulders tensed from the protective gesture, itching to go toe-to-toe with him. “Don’t call me ‘dude’.”

“I reckon this is final then.” This time it was Reginald who spoke up ever since you offered your perspective.

Once the word final was uttered, Allison scoffed. “You’re all pathetic,” she said, strutting away.

“Why can’t we go in there, just the four of us?” Ben pressed quietly on the subject.

“That would mean certain failure. There must be eight.” Reginald answered. He faced the others in one last speech. “Children, I can’t say I’m happy with this. But I see now the blame falls on me. I failed you when you were young, and I have failed you now. And in doing so, I have doomed the entire universe. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the courtyard… awaiting the end.” With that, it was almost with a pitiful air in which he walked away.

Ben’s hard glare haunted you when he followed his father’s example. “Idiots.”

“Was that a real apology?” Viktor inquired in uncertainty.

Luther remained steadfast, no matter what. “The man’s never apologized for anything in his life.”

With his arms laced together over his abdomen, Diego admitted quietly, “I actually feel bad for him.”

Hearing him offer sympathy compelled you to send him an admonishing, but weary glance. “Don’t.”

Five reinforced the notion. “Don’t worry. It’ll pass.”

The elevator let out an ominous ding with its arrival from your side while you were unlocking your room when something else caught your attention.

“Oh, great work out there.”

Enormous dread made your body freeze, as much as those words of utter sarcasm were to be anticipated. Ben wasn’t the type to just take it without complaining the whole way through. Dropping your head with a sigh, you already let yourself in. Expecting him to barge in anyways.

Not bothering to close the door, Ben started with his rant. “I especially liked the part when you admitted to just accept fate and-” He dramatically spreads his hands in a final gesture, “just give up. Very moving stuff.”

You exhaled heavily, turning around until you were facing him. “What do you want from me, Ben?”

“I want you to give a shit. We had this one shot to come together and face whatever there was on the other side.” Choosing to dip the knife deeper, Ben smirked darkly. “But instead, you decided to blow it.”

“Wait.” You tilted your head when you brought to mind the last few hours. Allison doing her little shtick was one thing but… “You actually—A part of you expected me to go a different route. That’s what you were trying to do before. By going for an Allison maneuver?”

“First, thanks for the compliment. Being compared to the schemer of your family? Not exactly the insult you think it is. Second, I just can’t believe you’d willingly waste the rest of your given time before the apocalypse. Truth be told, I thought you’d pick the smarter choice. Guess I pegged you wrong.”

Your skin started to heat up. The first petals started to fall from the flowers in the vase on the windowsill. A few breaths in and out later, you shook your head.

“Because I don’t see it like you? Because I don’t trust your father? Because I don’t want anyone to die just for his whims?”

Ben’s eyes were blazing with fervor. “He’s been training us for this our whole lives. It has to mean something. This didn’t just fall into my lap. I was chosen for this. To be a Sparrow.”

You chose to confess what was on your mind, as much as it pained you. “You’re breaking my heart. To willingly offer your loyalty to someone who will always have conditions bound to that. You want Reginald to see you?”

You shook your head. “He won’t. As much as it takes me no pleasure to say this, but … he won’t accept you as his equal. No one could ever measure up. Your Dad sees himself far too superior for everyone else. That man follows his own agenda.”

“You think you’re so damn smart, don’t you?” Ben harbored a narcissistic expression. His arrogance and destructive second nature felt like a familiar sting. “Your family is the reason we’re in this mess in the first place. You think I’m just going to accept it when all of you are just wreaking havoc regardless of the consequences? At least our father is actually trying to fix this.”

“I’m just saying, you need to take a step back and listen to your gut instinct.” Your hands hovered in front of you, almost close to touching him. “Reginald does not deserve your undying loyalty when it’s not even warranted. In every universe so far, he doesn’t care about anything other than achieving his own goals. Do you think he would actually lay down his life for you or for Sloane? You deserve more than this. I care about you, Ben. Your sister cares about what happens to you. That has to mean something.”

With his eyes softening, it felt like Ben would step closer. For a few seconds you thought you got to him. Until he clenched his jaw.

“You’re so pathetic,” Ben hissed, shaking his head in derision. “For thinking your opinion matters to me.” His face hardened. “You’re the damn replacement. You probably wouldn’t have been even able to save your Ben, if you had the chance. So why don’t you lie down like a good little corpse and wait for the Kugelblitz to take you. See if I care.”

Tagging: @cherryinsalemverse @mellowstatesmanhandsempath @ravenmoore14 @blackmagicwoman @lelaamela @kit-k4t @callsignwidow @gordorio @rinaarii @mencantaleer @lumpyspaceprincess05

[skyfallslayer]

Should We Stay or Should We Go? || Prologue

-A ST Rewrite Feat. Steve Harrington x Henderson!OFC-

Main Masterlist || Series Masterlist

🎲Summary: On the night of November 6th, 1983, Stephanie Henderson decided to walk her little brother’s friend, Will, back home. However… they never arrive. Now, Dustin, Mike and Lucas, and soon the exception of the girl’s ex-best friend, Steve, must band together to find out what happened. Meanwhile, Steph and Will must fight for their survival in this nightmarish version of Hawkins, Indiana.

🎲Chapter Summary: When they interlocked their pinkies none of them ever expected the weirdness that follows the years after. None of them ever expected to start growing apart. None of them ever expected the red string to stay attached. And none of them ever expected that they would be out saving the world with a baseball bat and wings. Yeah... you can’t make this stuff up.

🎲Pairings: Will x Platonic!OFC; Dustin x Sister!OC; Slow burn! Steve x Henderson!OFC (Ex-bestfriends to Lovers); Slow burn! Byler

🎲Rating: Teen-Mature

🎲Word Count: 921 (Small Introduction)

🎲Date: 3/6/24

🎲Warnings: Angst; Swearing; Implied Broken Friendship

🎲A/N: Extremely small chapter, hence why it's just the prologue. I just wanted to show my readers what the big picture is of this story, which is the Steve x OC relationship. However, just like above, this will contained the loving sibling relationship of Dustin, and even Will, between OC. This story also contains Jopper (a personal fav), Jancy, Mileven and the slow burn of Byler (I got to give this boy some love and if you think Will has been a background character for the last few seasons like I have then don't you worry! I'm giving Will a time for him to shine throughout this fic). Anyway, don't want this paragraph to be longer than the actual chapter. Lol. Enjoy!

Pinky Promise.

It’s a bond between two people, a vow that’s taken so it shall not be broken. Childish, you know, but to a small kid it means everything. When they locked their pinkies together, muttering their promises to one another, they both had barely turned five, barely ready to take on the world head first. 

But a promise was a promise— Yet a pinky promise was so much more. It holds so much more weight than crossing your heart or giving a handshake. 

At least it was to these two very best friends…

.

.

.

“Wow.” The blue eyed girl said, genuinely surprised (She can’t even believe their conversation is so calming in a situation like this). “That explains so much. And… you never mentioned that to me before?”

“Well, can you blame me?” He asked, with a small smile and laugh. “I think it kinda does. I think, like, right out of the gate, like, I’m super confident. But I’m also, like, an idiot. Which is just…” He shrugs. “I mean, it’s a brutal combination. But, I mean, the good news is, I get a big enough thump on my head, I can change, you know? I can learn. I can crawl forward.”

She noticed his pace was slowing, and his brown eyes of his were becoming distant. “Steve?”

“Listen–” He stops them both, face looking like a lost puppy now. “I guess what I’m trying to say in a really stupid, roundabout way is, um… is thank you.”

She tilts her head, confused. “Thank you?” She watches him nod, adding fuel to her emotion. “For...?”

His face softens. “For giving my head the biggest thump of its life two years ago.” He chuckles. “Nancy, you know, she gave me the push, but you, Stephanie, gave me the thump I needed. It’s changed my life. And now I’m crawling forward in a way I never thought I could achieve. Slowly.”

And now he’s frowning, looking down at himself, engulfing himself in the glum. “I just wonder sometimes... you know, if... if I had just opened my eyes before I met Nancy, would things have been different? Like… part of me thinks we would’ve made it without our relationship falling apart.”

“Steve–” She croaks, teary eyed and shocked.

“And… you know what the craziest… most messed up part of the story is?”

“What?”

His lips curled up just a bit. “Remember the dream I told you about? About the Winnebago? Seeing the country with my six lil’ nuggets? It’s all true. Every last word. But… the mess up part?” He swallows, also getting emotional. “The mess up part is when I first thought of that dream… is that… you’re there. You’ve always been there.”

“Steve–”

“And that…” He smiles. “That’s my pinky promise to you, Miss Stephanie Henderson.”

.

.

.

The creature shrieked above, its claws waving around frantically –trying to get a nick out of him– as he held it back with some piping. He watched the pupils go all ‘cat-like’, fangs coming out that he swears were growing with each scream. 

He was struggling, he knows this, and he knows he has to buy the kid some time to get a radio signal out to his girlfriend, but he was slipping, fuck it. However, he knows deep in his heart he can’t back down from this.

His jaw clenched and his eyes flash with determination. “I don’t care what you’ve become! I ain’t leaving you, Henderson!” He shouted, hoping his words would get through to her. “That’s a pinky promise.”

.

.

.

“I’m helping you and Dustin out.” He insisted, knowing damn well that she didn’t even want him near her brother, let alone near herself.

She sends him a look, skeptical, on edge. “Why?”

“Look, I know you don’t want to talk–”

“Damn, right.”

“Steph.” He says, stepping in front of her way to get her attention. “We’ll just put this on the backburner. Right now, and I mean it, I just want to help you and Dustin, keep you guys safe. Pinky Promise.”

.

.

.

“Steve–”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He says, while playing with his hands, nervously, worriedly. “Not until I know you’re okay.”

She frowns apologetically. “You know that might be a while.” 

“I know.”

“I have Dustin and my mom, you don’t have to stay here.”

“I know.” He breaks eye contact. “But what if I want to?”

That made her chuckle. “Well… if you want to.” She says, making them both smile. “Fine sleeping in a chair?”

He nods. “If that’s what I’ll have to do.” He replies, making her hum.

She raises an eyebrow. “Is that a pinky promise?”

“Yeah.” His expression grows. “Pinky promise.”

.

.

.

But what if you break it? The promise? What if you don’t follow through? That is the unfortunate part of this story. The promise was to stay together forever, to make their friendship last a lifetime. For them, they were two peas in a pod, polar opposites that still attached themselves to one another… until they couldn’t.

When the boy decided to become a King, the girl became a peasant. The boy was showered with love and affection, and the girl was on a quest of loneliness that became bitter.

This was a story about Steve Harrington and Stephanie Henderson.

A story, where no matter what happens, the red string still stays attached to their pinkies despite their attempts to take it off.

This was story where the two of them decided to save the world–

Their families–

Their friends–

.

.

.

And their friendship.

(TBC)

A/N: I was so surprised when everyone was asking to be added in just a few short days. Makes me really happy :D

.

-Taglist is Open-

@ladygrey03 @poppet05 @tooearlyforthis @lovesfics @lordzzz

[1eos]

please share some of these bls!! its crazy because i dont even like them but the ones i get from you are so fun. like the best friend who turns into a girl one i made my friend read with me and it was a good time!!

alright this will be my definitive bl rec list as of today september 15th 2024. its a LOT of reccs here so i will separate them into subsets i guess

my faves: (bls i love w all my heart and will recc constantly)

amber paradox/ameiro paradox by natsume isaku. one of my first bl 🥺they're 'straight' coworkers with beef -> decide the other isn't as bad as they first thought -> jealousy when other ppl hit on them -> realizing they have feelings for each other. i can't even say its enemies to lovers done right bc one guy didn't know they were beefing and they stay arguing w/ each other but in a cute way 😭😭😭 VERY tsundere x tsundere

konokoi wa unmeijanai by yamada yugi. this bl saved me. gay boy has a bad break up, moves, and goes to a print house (hes a graphic designer) where he meets a pretty boy who used to be a delinquent thats like 'ohhhhh so you know my friend? you're gay aren't you?' and he doesnt want to get a crush on him but the ex-delinquent is soooo charmingly stupid and crass (i love him too) and they develop a friendship and then more...?

elektel delusion by nekota yonezou. sadly the characters are in high school 😔 but the characters are very very charming. pair of besties that are childhood friends are always together. one is gay, out, and has a crush on the other and the 'straight' one keeps getting dumped by girls bc he prioritizes his bestie. gay boy (he's so scorpio coded) gets a 'boyfriend' to make other bestie jealous and straight gay boy begins to lose his mind and realize some things. this one is a classic...TO ME

konya mo nemurenai (another sleepless night) by yamamoto kotetsuko. a fave of mine. gay boy accidentally summons a demon that will not leave and keeps eating all his food. the demon is a freeloader. the gay boys wants a boyfriend. they learn to coexist and something blossoms <3

liquor & cigarette by zaria ranmaru. the art on this one is sooooooo gorg. love this one. childhood friends. one friend is openly bi and this leads to the other's bicurious moment. bi friend is like finallyyyyyyy you're considering men pleaseeeeeee pick me pleaseee date me i love u so much i've loved u for so long i want you soooo bad. and so they explore sexuality while practicing for a drinking contest in town. and the top explicitly waits for the other to figure out how he feels ouuu its so good

hashi no xl saizu by omoimi. faveeeeeeeeee. all time faveeeee. its simple, cute, no violence, nothing weird. and the plot? a college guy has a dick so big he can't date or have sex and he meets someone at a club event whos like what? no i'll teach you that there's no dick too big for someone's hole. surprisingly wholesome despite that being the lede

FUCK BUDDY BY HINAKO. i love this one. tsundere dark haired main character. bi4bi. and needless drama bc both characters are kinda toxic. tres bien. soooo these two friends are both sluts that do threesomes w women all the time bc what else do u do when u can't admit you want each other? well after one of them gets a dick injury (dont ask) they take the women out of the occasion and things progress from there

kabukichou bad trip by eiji nagisa. i loved this one so much i would suck the author off for another 4 volumes. so theres this guyyyyy he can read minds and he uses it to make bank as a host and he has a crush on a model and randomly meets said model and reads his mind on accident and the model wants to do s&m with him and the mind reader starts considering some things. the art is sooooo good btw like wow

fucked by my best friend by yupopo orishima.........this one was a staple on the blog. two besties who are sluts....are they are. one gets his gender transed by a spurned ex-lover and his friend is like 'oh finally i can fuck u' and he's like WAIT WHAT DID YOU SAY? and they fuck a lot. slut 1 transes his gender back and forth a lot and they keep fucking and gender becomes merely a trifle. an afterthought. so good

ookami-sama no koiwazurai by tobi washio. and i would KILL for a sequel to this one. its a world where some ppl have animal ears/traits and live peacefully w humans. sooo wolf guy gets into accidental beef w a human and wolf guy is like 'i was after your friend first but your autistic boy swag has seduced me....' and starts courting him and the other guy is like 'damn ive never been moved to express my emotions all too much but this sexy wolf man wants me so bad maybe i'm feeling desire for the first time?' its very funny

baby, sugar, succubus by tojo sakana. idk why i love this one so much???? it might be the art style but basically a guy runs a restaurant his dick is just too damn big and then he runs into a boy succubus that's like >.< let me in coach. but the boy succubus is very cute and has no idea how anal works glkagaklgkagkalk. anyways they make an oddly sweet couple

wholesome reads (as the kids say......gives u fluffy feelings):

totsugimasen kara by sunako. ohhhh this one is so wholesome. its omegaverse (sorry) but not in a weird way. basically the omega is sent to the alpha's family's estate to prove that he'd make a good wife and he's like naurrrr not into this. and the alpha is like naurrrrr not into all these ppl in my damn house so they butt heads. but the omega starts to have fun bonding w other omegas and fighting w the alpha and yeah <3 nothing weird is depicted in this one but warning. there is a stalker. and someone is set up to be hurt but nothing happens. just beef havers becoming sorta kinda besties to awkward as hell boyfriends

mad cinderella by yamamoto kotetsuko - comedy. slice of life. poor kid and rich kid grew up together. rich kid had to move away to bum fuck america one day and asked poor kid to promise him marriage and poor kid did thinking it was a joke. rich kid was NOT joking and when he comes back poor kid begins his gay awakening. the main conflict is that rich kid wants to hit BAD and everything keeps getting in the way 😭

wootan to fumi by saida nika. a guy is buff w big tits and an even bigger ass but once a month he grows bunny ears and a tail. so he's basically heaven for all the bunny boy enthusiasts (me) anyways his best friend wants him bad but they keep it casual and then move in together and you know! p wholesome tbh its just that wootan just be bussing out his clothes....too much bawdy

'no i actually read bls for the plot' (bls i reread mainly for the plot....winners of bl pulitzers....to me)

kohitsuji project by takenaka sei - supernatural comedy. human boy flops so bad in school he ends up going to a boarding school for vampires and everyone wants to eat him. nepo baby vampire with no socialization skills becomes infatuated with him and things go from there. just one volume wish there was more tbh

dog style by motoni moduru. a classic in the kendra blverse. this one is retro so the style is super nice and late 90s/early 00s. another highschool setting one :( soooooo punk 1's best friend is the brother of punk 2's best friend so they know of each other. punk 1 is a good fighter and punk 2 is a good runner (and gay). bc theyre both being ditched by the brothers (who they have crushes on) they spend more time together and accept their crushes fucking suck and grow closer. and they fight a lot

escape journey by ogeretsu tanaka. love this artist's style. um. exes run into each other and have to pretend they still don't wanna suck and fuck until they suck and fuck again and it's messy and funny 😭😭😭😭a sorta fave bc i love it when ppl break up and get back together sorryyyyyyyyyy

saiyaku wa boku o suki sugiru by ninomiya etsumi. now this one? is a fucking STORY. so bc of their ancestors fucking around one member of a family after a birthday will have to go thru these disasters. basically the world is trying to kill them but the kicker is any injury they get is TRANSFERRED to the person in another family. so basically they have to work together to both not die. its like 7 volumes long and i got bored of the 'gods' talking in riddles abt the disasters but the two main characters make it worth it

kami-sama no uroko by hinohara meguru. i actually don't remember shit abt this one other than how PRETTY the art is and the cool concept. so a writer returns to his hometown that has a legend abt a dragon that used to fuck abt and then he meets the dragon that looks human but swears he's a dragon. the writer is super skeptic and u know....things happen. theres a dog in this one and i love the way he's drawn 🥺

honto yajuu by yamamoto kotetsuko - comedy. mostly slice of life some drama some smut. the bl goat. the granddaddy of bl. it will be on everyone's list. a young member of the yakuza is so supple so toppable it turns a well meaning cop bisexual 😭 bl so good it makes you forget for just one second that all cops are going to hell

sick by kurahashi tomo. slice of life w a bit of comedy. blonde man has a weird desire to bully his upperclassman and turns out its sexual fascination. despite getting off on a bad foot the two of them learn more about each other and grow to fit together. the upperclassman has 3 siblings and theyre the best part of the manga tbh like seeing how the little sister starts off hating the top for taking her brother to loving him is so 🥺

furimuite tsukamaete by yoriko. i will not kill myself bc i am waiting for the ending of this one. guy has a crush on another guy who's getting married so he's like ok i have to get over this and then crush's younger brother busts in to live w him and cheers him up and that's weird? younger brother keeps getting mad when gay boy mentions the brother????? and younger brother wants to share the one bed???? and cuddle????? hmmmmmm

pretty n fun (just turn your brain off and enjoy how fun the characters are and how pretty the art is):

datte maou-sama wa kare ga kirai by yamada nichoume - UNFINISHED. supernatural...kinda? comedy. demon king and hero reincarnates? kinda. every generation and fight. this generations demon king just wants to fly under the rather but this generations hero wants to fall in love fight and fight using his 🐓the concept is kinda out there but its surprisingly wholesome

love nest by minaduki yuu. another one that's super pretty but i don't remember most of what happens. i do know that this gay guy is sick of the loud ass kids that live above him so his friend hooks him up w a new place but doesnt tell him theres another man living there 😭😭😭😭😭 (nasty af of them btw) they hate living together at first but get closer....and then they fight over who's gonna top. but its grown man yaoi so bonus points for that

30 sai kara no coming out by saike natsuhara. love this one <3 its grown man yaoi. 30 year old moves out of the country to the city so he can lose his virginity. he meets up w a guy on a dating app and they have a great time but then they reconnect bc the guy cannot get over the 30 year old's big ol' tiddies. very straightforward and sweet

natsume-san wa hirakaretai by mamita. this one is okay but the art makes it a stand out. a guy isnt that good at sex so he sets out to learn how to be a sex kitten or whatever and hires an escort/sex trainer????? girl idk and they develop his bottoming skills 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

ii ko ni dekitara hometekure by kuroi yodaka. the setting of this one is kinda stupid but its hot.......its in a world where some ppl have a secondary gender of dom or sub 😭😭😭😭 and they have to do subdom play or they'll be on lexepro (its soooo dumb) anyways a teacher got dumped bc his fiancee found out he's a sub and didnt tell her so he wants to meet someone to relieve himself but an ex student (but is now an adult) shows up and he's like naurrrrr but the student is a dom and they click and the teacher hates that he's into it and they find out their sub/dom styles fit each other. *sigh* but the born sub plot point is sooo dumb

kocchi muite glare by yareya umako. ANOTHER 'you're born dom/sub' story 😭 its such a dumb ass idea but the art on this one is soooo good. anyways a guy is isekaied into a world where everyone has animal ears + tails + you're either a dom or a sub. and he's like chill. until he starts getting subby with everything the dom that found him says and theres some shit abt the dom being Too Strong of a Dom but the isekaied sub has no problem w it and yadda yadda ok i didn't read this one for the plot the art is nice and the main couple is cute together SUE ME

netsujou drawing by sakura hitsuji. college student meants a man soooo hot sooooo sexy he's like can i PLEASE draw you i will die if i don't. sexy guy agrees and then the college student is like 'ykw? you're so sexy not only will i keep drawing you, i'm bisexual now. let's date idc if we just met...look at your sexy ass omg' and they go from there lol

one side in room by mitsuko. shy guy with crazy rbf meets another guy that's good at speaking his mind and becomes infatuated. other guy thinks rbf guy is cute underneath the rbf so they fall into dating without actually talking abt dating and shy guy is confused and fucks shit up by being so shy and the drama's a bit annoying but theyre cute <4

itsuka no true end by nakamura makino. sweet and simple setup. theres a couple and they fuck a lot and u go back to get their back story and it turns out one is a literal demon king and the other the hero who was isekaied to kill the demon king but was like um can i not be a murderer? so they got married instead and u see how they went from awkward to mutually lovey dovey

cock n balls (the ones that are mostly 🐓 but i love them not despite but BECAUSE of it)

stay goodboy by dotsuco. this one is basically just porn but im obsessed w this artist's style and how they draw boobs and i need everyone to see it. so there's this sexy dark haired tsundere <3 and he has a boyfrienddddd and they don't meet up for a month and then they do andddd boobs

the dreaming trainer's ideal master by rai yaezaki. if u like big boobs.....this is the one. big tiddied softie works training subs and secretly wants to be one but is scared he's just too breastful but a rich man is like 'i saw u jolting thiccly and fell in love...' and then in the 2nd story a depressed man is saved by a.....street fighter? idk. and the street fighter gives him pussy so good the depressed man turns his whole life around. me and leo if he let me hit omg who said that?

the handsome salesman at work is an ideal master by atarayo aka nocori. my best friend nocoriiiiiiiiiiiii. this one is mostly porn but its got good art and the couple is funny as hell together. gay boy 1 is a severe introvert and gay boy 2 is an extreme extrovert and they have amazingggggg chemistry so introvert gay boy overcomes his fear of extroverts to hook up again and they match each other's freak and its saur good

[nachofuck3r]

ᴊᴏʜɴɴʏ ᴄᴀɢᴇ x ɢɴ!ᴘʟᴀʏᴇʀ/ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ

After a high I flood of demand we are gonna have some of Johnny Cage x Player headcanons!! Because everyone is loved by him, shut up! He loves the player?!!!

CW: meantions of you having a dick (it could also be a strap), lotta dirty talk, mentions of breeding, daddykink, slight degradation. the nsfw section is devided into 4 different categories, Johnny being dom/sub Bottom/Top, so everyone is provided for.

SFW:

First of all I do really hope you are looking for needy, because in game Johnny is so very needy and desperate for you and your attention. He'll do absolutely anything to grab it and impress you. He's already an attention whore when he's not trying to rizz you up. But with you he doubles down, tries legit everything from sweet to sultry.

No touching, means double the verbal affection, so so much flirting. There is not one taunt he doesn't do for you.

"I'm packing more than a punch, baby" "How do I look from behind?'' "Your smile, is my fatality" "What if, next time, you finish me?"

At first you are freaked out and taken aback, when it comes to your attention, that Johnny shouldn't be doing marriage proposals, in the middle of a match. You're game must be bugged in some very weird and fanservice providing way.

If you indulge his advances, by flirting back or taunting him. He's freak! There is no way the sexy person controlling him is also flirting with him?! Over the moon, that's him right then.

But if you don't or actively reject his flirting, he will suspect you are playing hard to get. So he'll most likely double down and get more risque with his propositions.

"You're like, super tiny, man" "I'm not tiny, I'm in a game, but I can, 100% guaranteed, still rock your world"

Banter becomes a regular occurrence, with you all the while, improving your gaming skills and him mostly just longingly staring at you and trying to impress you with taunts, brutalities and special attacks.

"Why didn't you do the fatality?!" "Because you already performed one this round" "what- "On my heart"

Groan

If you get easily flustered and don't like the flirting, DONT change this mans skin/clothes. The teasing will be endless.

"You like dressing me up, baby?" "Stop calling me that I'm a grown person..." "You're right I should be calling you my spouse"

"Are you looking at my ass?" "No, I'm just checking- uhh" "Just admit you want me, it'll make everything so much easier."

Also don't stop maining him. He'll survive if you play other characters but if you do it long term and the come back to him, he'll be twice as needy, a little pissy and a lot more desperate.

"Is it something I did?" "No, I just wanted to play someone else" "So it was something I did?" "What does that farm boy have that I don't?" "A hat" "Not if you dress me up as Illinois"

At first his very obvious, overly flirty self annoyed you incredibly.

Yes he's sexy and he's also technically single.

But he's also in a game so?? What is a guy gonna do.

This is what a guy is gonna do.

NSFW:

Subby Top:

If you like your men whiny but also want them to wreck you, talk about convenient. Johnny is 100% the provider for your needs. Will not stop whimpering and whining outside of sex but when it gets heated. He cannot stop.

"Please, I need to be inside you so bad" "Fuck I just wanna breed you, want to see you so full, please" "I wish you could ride my face, I need you so badly"

Since he's kinda well INGAME, you two find other ways to be intimate, if its just masturbating, you playing with toys mostly.

SUCK HIM OFF! Or well pretend to, seeing you suck on a toy. Boom man is combusted and on the floor. There is nothing he would love more than paint your face with his fuck-juice.

Seeing you ride a dildo will absolutely kill this man, he'll be a needy mess through out every other match he has the same day.

"Sorry, I couldn't stop thinking about you riding my dic-" "Johnny I swear to every god available"

Subby Bottom:

If the thought, of Johnny being inside you isn't your speed, that's fine! He's a flexible and very versatile man. Plus let's be real, he does this stuff anyway. No way, this man hasn't fucked his own ass.

Subspace Johnny is a fucking mess, just picture him endlessly fingering his own hole, very sloppily.

"If only these fingers were your dick!" "I wish you could spurt inside me, I need you so much baby" "Gods, I need that cock in me or else I'll die"

Dramatic as fuck, but these sentences are just scares throughout the fingering. He'll mostly just be a whimpering mess. So it's very likely you'll have to provide the teasing and dirty talk this time around.

The sound of your voice, taunting him, while fucking his own ass, will make him squirt. Makes a mess of his own mansion floor.

"We should do this before every match!" "Be real- ugh as real as can be, you wouldn't win a single match after something like this..."

Dom Bottom:

This is essentielly the cocky and less whiny version of sub bottom.

You can expect so much taunting from this man, especially when he's pounding his own hole. Will not stop god damned talking.

"If there's a way for me to get out of here, the first thing I'll do if ride your fat dick." "Just thinking about your dick makes me cum" "That's a good boy/girl, stroke that dick thinking about my tight ass"

My guy prays every night, that he can become real and actually just absolutely destroy himself on your dick.

"Are you okay? That's the second match you lost today?" "Sorry, I did not get much rest"

Dom Top:

This is kinda the end boss of Johnny Cages sex life, this is just a part of him. This'll happen eventually, of course only if you want to. But being a dominant top is probably something he'll have to do every once in a while.

"I'm gonna fill this tight litte hole with my seed" "You're such a needy whore for me, for your Daddy" "I'm gonna paint your insides so fucking white, flooding you full of me" "You look so good sucking my dick baby, it's like this is what you were made to do"

Of course it's all pretend, it's just you needily fucking yourself in front of a screen. But both you and a man can dream that he is absolutely destroying your hole with his fat dick.

If you have a pussy he'll ask you to slap it, 100% wants to slap your cunt to get it sensitive. It's also like his favorite thing if you can squirt, he wants that all over him, making you squirt is like his main goal (if it's possible). So he'll often have you fingering yourself into an absolute mess.

"One more baby I feel like this is the one"

If you have a dick, he'll want it super sensitive. Will make you fuck your own fist for hours on end, even if you're spent. Bro wants to see you massage your own balls. He gets so excited thinking about you spurting all over your own stomach. Looking so needy and desperate for him.

"Come on, baby. Make a mess of yourself for daddy"

Little plus here for my T-Dick people.

He adores your dick. He'll ask you to show it to him every time you two get intimate. Wants to see you stroke it and finger yourself (only if you're comfortable), he loves how stiff it can get. Wants to get his mouth on it so bad.

"I want to suck you off so bad. Wish I could frot our dicks together, baby"

[seeminglydark]

1. would caro and john be into the tv show, the x-files? would they buy tapes of the episodes and talk about their own conspiracies and guess about the outcomes of the episodes.

2. also your comic has help peak my interest for the supernatural and conspiracy theories. what are some stories or theories that you’ve learned about that you have found the most interesting? and were you a believer before starting your comics or has your interest grown as you’ve continued with your comics.

3.lastly, i’m trying to buy more secondhand items and become the diy punk that i’ve aspired to be since high school (too afraid since i was a closeted trans man and living with an unaccepting family), any tips?

i, like john, try to stay away from modern tech as much as i can. i’m able to stay off my phone for the most part and rarely use my computer but i’ve been looking around and audiobooks on cassette are kinda expensive around me so i like to narrate book as i read them in paperback. i was wondering if canonically john uses resources such as the library and what his favorite books and movies are. i love horror and am just now getting into sci-fi and i love watching movies on my vcr + tv combo and i sometimes use a blu-ray player for more rare or expensive (at least in vhs format) movies.

sorry for the long winded paragraph, i’m unfortunately unable to escape my strict household (despite being an adult) until i find a job and am able to save every cent. i also tend to isolate myself so i have no friends to help me out. sorry to vent to you about this but i just wanted to end this by saying your comic and characters inspire me and give me hope that i’ll be okay once i’m free.

YES. John is obsessed with x-files. every once in a while you can see he has the iconic 'i want to believe' poster in his younger years on his walls. He still has it as an adult. both caro and john like watching those together, they also enjoy the twilight zone, charmed, Buffy (they they agree the corny movie from '92 is the best) and those old Bruce Campbell shows noones heard of, re: Brisco County Jr. I think as kids they theorize, and as adults they talk about everything everyone gets wrong, now that they know how these things really work. John can always guess WhoDunnit.

Ive always been interested in the idea of the supernatural. im a big skeptic though, ill be honest there, even though ive had many 'experiences' myself. i kinda like the idea of the unbelievable. definitely making the comics has peaked my interest in things i wasn't too keenly aware of before, like cryptids. im fascinated by the concept of Missing 411, and missing people who reappear somewhere else, but Liminal Spaces hold my heart specifically. ive always been keenly aware of the off feeling in those places before i even knew what that meant. i love scouring the internet for images of things like abandoned hotels that give me a weird kind of uneasy, most of the things people tag as Liminal aren't really that, so its a scavenger hunt to find something that fits my idea of it. coming up with the lore of my stories has been an adventure. my interest has definitely grown, more in places and phenomenon than in ghosts specifically.

there are so mnay things you can do to diy punk stuff, in my opinion thats the best and most rewarding way. it sounds to me that you need to start small and slow for your safety, so let me reassure you right here anon, that punk is a set of ideals, and not just fashion. youre still punk no matter what youre wearing. a jacket or vest is always a good place to start, you can literally buy ANYTHING at the thift store that strikes your fancy. this is a canvas you will be adding too for as long as its yours. once you have your canvas, its time to create, and there is literally no wrong way to do this. you can use paint markers, embroidery, bleach, ect. dont have money for spikes and studs? you can use soda can tabs and bend them, metal lighter caps, hell even staples and safety pins always look cool. you can make your own badges by bending metal soda or beer caps around a soda tab with a safety pin through it and then paint whatever you want on the cap. dental floss is what you usually see when punks have the white stitching on their pants and jackets, its durable and doesn't break, since crust and gutter punks need tough clothes that last. if you're worried about your family, i would personalize it first in small secret ways that are just for you, such as a message beneath your collar as seen here on my friends jacket. and here, and here! he hides patches on the inside as well! Im including a pic of john hiding a patch on caros varsity jacket as well. i will post my jackets one day, my camera is broken but i figured id share his since he hides things more than i do!

John absolutely uses the library, its a fantastic resource for SO many things, depending on where you're located. He would also probably use a digital reader later, because many of them you can get library cards on and borrow books that way. he is not a strong reader so he mostly reads books that may be under his age level, like goosebumps, but who cares, do what you enjoy. movie wise hes very obsessed with cosmic horror (hence the UFO tattoo) his favorites are Alien, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space and the Blob from the 80s. both he and Caro love the original Evil Dead franchise, horror comedy like American Werewolf in London, lost boys, etc.

Thank you, Anon, for the long winded paragraph. You asked some really fun questions for me to answer, i love nothing more than to talk about my characters, it was a really nice little break from editing a new podcast episode. I am so so sorry about your situation, and i am sending you all the best and all the love and strength that you can come out of this free and on the other side and live as yourself. If my comics and characters stories can provide a tiny bit of hope that its going to be ok, than ive succeeded at what i set out to do. wishing you all the best. and look into your library, they may have resources to help you with this as well.

[sehtoast]

That anon was rude and stupid . I saw your tags and I hope its okay to ask (you can ignore this ifyou want), but whats got you turned off of reader fics? Is it just temporary?

Ahhh, bit of a long answer.  I’m gonna go with a strong yes as far as it being temporary.  It’s likely I’ll get a lightning bolt somewhere down the line and get the motivation, but probably not for a little bit.  As far as being turned off from reader fics, it’s kind of a weird answer and idk how to put it in a way that’s succinct but also covers the details?  The short version is I don’t feel represented much at all in this fandom’s x reader community as a trans man.  

Those stories aren’t for me or others like me 99.9% of the time, and that’s fine because we’re not entitled to it, but it also makes it very hard to engage with it or feel that I have a place in it, if that makes sense.  The vast majority of the content that’s out there induces dysphoria unless I’m constantly rewording entire sentences and scenes in my head, and I don’t think it’s fair to make myself do that.  Stories for trans people are exceptionally rare and go borderline entirely ignored or the requests are turned down because the authors aren’t comfortable (again, we’re not entitled to this, but it still feels bad yk?). 

Even gender neutral stuff gets less love, and it’s honestly very disheartening because, like it or not, validation is the only way we get to know if we did a good job as writers.  And it does matter even if we try to act like it doesn’t.  It's hard to see the inclusive things I put out sputter while fem reader fics take off like a mf. So a lack of representation and a lack of appreciation when I try to write in a way that’s inclusive just has me very bummed out with the whole concept.  If the only way I can receive validation is by churning out things that exclude me and therefore lack my heart, then I don’t think I should write it at all.  

My oc stuff feels safe even if it brings significantly less validation. Idk how that makes sense, but it just kinda does? I guess it's because oc stuff doesn't exclude anyone because it's just about some made up character

I also want to say that this isn’t me saying I won’t be writing the x reader requests in my inbox. I actually just put in an application to take the fall term off school so I can have time to handle things in my life, and that includes my requests. I’ve just been very busy and what little brain power remains for writing usually goes to stories I daydream about in class (so oc stuff) before I pass out at night, and I will eventually get around to them.

Thank you for asking anon <3

[haethyre]

X-Men 97 Thoughts

My personal opinions

Okay. So I grew up with X-men The Animated Series. It was one of my fave shows. It always came on late at night on Toon Disney (at times i shouldnt have been awake LMAO) so it has a special place in my heart. I was very surprised that of all things they decided to "continue" it. So, when I heard about it, I did a full rewatch (even that ungodly last season where quality took a nosedive OOF) Anywhoo! Started and finished 97. Those who know me best know at heart I am a big OG fan of my fandoms and am trepidacious of reboots/even continuation reboots, bc lets be honest most of them are all about stomping on the source material, SO I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed Xmen 97.

You could really see how much they tried to capture the feel of the old show and the characters. The voice replacements were surprisingly well done. (i mean, Wolverine is a little off, but i'll give the guy a break its been like...28 yrs XD ) The animation looks amazing. Even if i'm taking some points off for the hair hfgjhdf haha

Now the storyline.... The elephant in the room. We all know the one. I have been a Romy fan since I was a kid and yes, when I was a young girl in Borders, I did come across the comic that showed the RoguexMagneto storyline. I hated it then and I hate it now. Its just...weird. (Again, my opinions. If you like it, power to you. Enjoy, but its not for me and this post isn't for you) but its even weirder in the show, and ill tell you why. As a Marvel comic reader, I'm well acquainted with the fact that everyone gets with everyone. That is just a trope of Marvel comics. All ships of imaginable and unimaginable proportions happen. BUT I think when doing this, they really should have thought it through a bit more in context of the show's universe alone . Bc I'll be real, if you're coming in from TAS, this kinda hits you out of nowhere. She had no form of connection with Magneto in the past show. Like....they had a makeshift funeral for him and she didn't even care. She was just worried about Gambit being stuck in space. So, their "secret" just seems so random and out of place. I do like that it was used for her to understand fully her feelings for Gambit, but man was it frustrating to see him just killed off when he was one of the best characters.(even if it was really well done and the animation, again, was amazing)

There's talk of him coming back as "Death" which is a storyline I'm not familiar with but I also heard talk of the original showrunner idealizing a timeline where Rogue and Magneto have kids....so... IDK It all just left me a bit frustrated and disheartened bc Romy was like one of my earliest ships before i knew ships were a thing. To see what happened to it made me sad, even if it could be part of a long game to get them to their HEA. (and thats always an if bc we don't know, even if the original guy isn't in charge anymore)

Other things that bugged me a little but not too much. Gonna bring up Morph. I love Morph. They were always a fave and they went through so much to finally be back on the team again. I really don't understand why they changed their character design tho? I read it was to make Morph look more like the character changeling from the comics but this is again something that doesnt make sense coming out of TAS bc Morph always had that other appearance throughout the entire show. I mean...it could have at least been explained... Also, as far as the feelings for Wolverine, i kinda found it funny XD bc in TAS, it always seemed like it was the other way around jkhfgjkdfh Wolverine was so attached to Morph and wouldn't let 'em go. That being said, I kinda wish they didn't go this route if its only meant to be unrequited and sad. AGAIN. I know. Marvel is all about unrequited drama jfhdkjfdh but hasn't Morph been through enough??? That being said, I love the ship even though I know its doomed. Wolverine is the worst person to be down bad for tho. Mans falls in love at the drop of a hat fhghdfjhsd

Other than these couple things, I really loved the show. Some people said "why are they shoving so much story into such a short amount of time" XD The storyteller in me would like to agree but i will be honest, there is nothing more like Xmen TAS than smooshed storylines jkdfhfkjds with random one-off eps in between. XD So, I was fine with it.

I liked the conclusion with Scott and Jean, as messy as it was. The family fun time was a pleasure to watch.

Xavier and Magneto. They really highlighted their messy, but still devoted relationship from the original series, so that was nice to see. I was glad to see him back in the red suit LMAO bc the one he was wearing all season was weird for me.

I loved Jubilee's journey, and it was cool that they brought Alyson Court back for that one episode.

I was very pleased overall that they didn't tone things down and since censors are different these days, they could show more stuff they couldn't in the 90s. So, I am looking forward to more seasons (and pleeeeease for the love of god give Romy back to me i am begging)

[thechaoticghostscientist]

The Queen and Her Subject

Woooo boy am I excited to be writing this. Finally a fic I'm actually putting time into

Word count: 1,298 words TWs: Lovely-dovey gooey mushy stuff, kinda self-shipping ig? Also kinda OC x canon

And here’s what I imagine these characters would look like

But also the bendy in this would look like This (credit to the creator of this, it’s SO cute)

----------------------------------------

I HIGHLY suggest listening to this before you read on, because one of the main characters and the main story of this prologue is VERY MUCH based off of this video. All credits I mentioned go to this creator on YouTube ⌄⌄

Now since that's out of the way, ENJOY THE SHOW!

----------------------------------------

“M-My Queen? Are you all right?” A nervous wimpy voiced asked

“!!!” 

Jumping out of her skin, she is jolted awake. Already with adrenaline pumping through her body. Though as quick as a blink, poor Caz already has her hands up ready for any and all danger.

“W-Who are you? Where am I? What i-is this place?” She sputter with a twisted fear in her voice

“My Queen! I-It’s alright! You’re alright! Really, you’re ok.” 

Stopping dead in her tracks as if regaining her senses. She notices a few things off about this mysterious person helping her. 

1) He (or whatever it may be) called her a “Queen.” Why in the hell would it do that? 

2) The voice seems to be coming from…a bendy shaped figure? She notices stitches. Is it one of those many bendy dolls with a crooked smile? 

“W-Where…where am…where are we?” She questioned in low shaky breath

���...S-See for yourself” The wimpy bendy figure suggested. 

Doing as she was told, Caz begrudgingly gets off of the ground to soak in the atmosphere. At first, she notices they are on what appears to be an island with a door behind them. Surrounded by this…weird black stuff. The ink? 

With a tapping on her shoulder, the weird awkward alive bendy plush points another thing out. “Look…look at that” it asks with fear in its voice.

Caz then turns around, not knowing what to expect. What she sees makes her more confused than anything. A giant blocky machine with tubes and wires poking all around it. 

“Woah…what even is this place? Who are you?” Caz sternly asks the bendy doll. 

Without even giving it time to respond, Caz already starts to spew even more questions. Something about this small living bendy plush is weirding her out. And yet something about it seems familiar.

“What’swrongwithme?WhereamI?Whoareyou?Howareyoualive?Howdidthishappen?What’shappeningtome?”

With the freaked out tone and with her having a sudden panic attack, the nervous bendy doll tries to consult the paranoid newbie again.

“It’s alright! It’s alright! Your highness, please! It’s me.”

Who? How the hell is she meant to know who this stranger is if she can’t even remember how Caz herself got here. 

“You? I don’t know you! I don’t know anything that’s going on!” She vents out in feared rage. “I don’t even know how I got here…” the new freak-show murmured solemnly.

“Why, d-don’t you recognize me? I-It’s your loyal drone servant, Billy Bee. Well, I w-was a bee” He says as he looks back at his upside-down heart tipped tail as it whips around. Then it all clicks. Caz knew what this black stuff was and how she got here, “Oh, weren’t you that one-off character I one-off voiced in that one-off episode about bendy tryna steal honey? I was the….queen bee, right? Is that why you keep calling me royal names? You still must think I’m her. I really am not.”

Puzzled, Billy asks “Not h-her? Even if you…you aren’t, you’re still incredibly beautiful l-like her.” Finishing off with a giggle and his cheeks getting lighter. Or darker? Flushed or embarrassed.

“But how did…How are…How can I know you’re telling the truth.” 

“W-Well, I could never hurt you. Honestly, I w-would even dream of hurting you. Y-You my queen! I’ll never do that e-even if I wanted to.” He exclaimed passionately and happily.

“You seem…oddly cheerful despite the situation we’re in.”

Now with that pointed out, the color of the sides of his crooked smile deepen more in color. 

“B-Because I’m with you, m-my queen. Oh, your presence always…always calms me down.” Billy happily whimpered. 

With a huff, the supposed “queen” dusts herself off, ready to move forward. But just as she was about to look back at the moving bendy doll, she noticed yet another thing. Her arms. Then her torse. Then her clothes. 

Sharp dark golden bones seem to be protruding from her elbows out of the flesh of her forearms. Spider-like. Almost widow-like. It’s not causing her physical harm. But emotionally, her view on herself is almost completely shattered. 

“I’m…I’m…How did this happen?”

Then, the awkward bendy plush gently wraps its lanky tail around Caz’s ankle. Tugging away from the surrounding ink. With him being paranoid about something lurking in there.

“I really t-think we should…we should go, my queen”

“Wha- huh?!” Caz exclaims, almost like snapping out of a trace of anxiety. 

Billy couldn’t help but to be drop dead worried about his “queen’s” mindset. Question after question. Worry after worry. Almost as if she can’t let go.

“Wha- what are you talking about, Bills?! Don’t you see? I’m an inky monster! You’re an inky monster. We’re trapped down here!” She snapped. “I don’t know how to explain it but we’re trapped, what are we able to do?!” Caz couldn’t help but to yell. All of this, is getting to her head so quickly. There doesn’t seem to be any luck for them. The gods Joey was babbling about before this happened mustn't be on their side for now.

“I know, my queen. B-But…sometimes there’s only one thing to do. Press on”

.

.

.

With simply a defeated sigh. Caz has nothing left to do but to agree with the small “Billy” plush. Reluctantly though. Not too keen on exploring this horrible and disturbing place. Especially with the likelihood of easily getting lost with not knowing where to go. 

“...I guess we could try.”

Billy giggles happily. Glad his queen agreed with him after some persuasion. Adding a hop and a skip to his step, Billy the living bendy plush begins to flow the “queen” he so lovingly adores. But whilst turning to face the doorway, he caught something just out of the corner of his eye. 

“M-My queen…do you see that.”

Caz then snaps her head back, as quick as an owl. But she notices nothing out of the ordinary. Well, for this world at least. 

“No? What are you on about?”

“That.”

Caz tries to figure out where the nervous little Billy guy is alluding to. He seems to be worried about something about the giant machine almost a hundred feet away from the both of them. Everything is fine. But…the doorway in front of the large machine. On top it reads “GENT” Gent? Something about that word is scaringly familiar to her. Was it a union? A group? No it was a-

.

.

.

A cooperation

Gent cooperation

Shaking her head. Even just that word. Gent. Brings her chills. But it doesn’t go unnoticed. Though very tiny, Billy sees the fear form in Caz’s expression. But like clock work, almost instinctual. Billy scampers up Caz’s leg then arm up to her shoulder. Like a cat when its owner has a bag full of cat-nip. 

He kissed her cheek with a "Mwah" by pressing his tiny plush open mouth grin to her face. Similar to another person with yellow-ish felt. Despite the ink dripping from her eye and it getting onto Billy’s felt-like teeth, he doesn’t seem to mind. Only minding Caz’s state of mind. But not giving a word to the fact that her cheeks also darkened to a blush. Like a towel soaking up water. Getting darker.

“P-Please…don’t be afraid, my queen. I know it’s…it’s scary being h-here right now but, despite my new size I’ll try m-my best to protect you. I can…”

Billy then looks around, scanning the area to think of anything to cheer her up. Then he and his skinny tail spring up when he gets an idea. “I can be y-your second pair of eyes. I’ll stay r-right up here on your shoulder.”

His idea works out. Caz finally cracks out a smile because of him. She’s finally seen something, or someone, who’s willing to help her here. A feeling she’s been longing for all her life. 

“Th-Thanks, Billy. I haven't heard someone say that to me so genuinely in a long long time”

[wetcatspellcaster]

The way I GASPED when I saw the notification of a new chapter ❤️❤️❤️

They are so sweet, so awkward, I love them 😭

I loved the subtle smut, that focused more on emotions, making sure everyone is safe, and just oh. It felt so intimate, so gentle, it made me tear up, I was so happy their first sex scene was like that. Hot, but tender. You did such a great job balancing everything. In a work like this, I find sudden burst in very detailed smut a big dissonance, but here it looked perfect. The push and pull, the humor, the fears, all that persisted throughout the whole fic, is still there.

It had been years for them, and a decade of different kind of torture, and they are still... Them. It warmed my heart.

I had never expected a chapter with sex, because you mentioned you were not comfortable writing it, but when I read it. When I read it, let me tell you, it was pure perfection.

I can imagine how nervous it must have been posting this chapter. And it was gorgeous. It was so good. You opened the characters further (he he), you made it feel so domestic after that initial awkwardness between them, and oof.

Also, Rose. I'm ten years younger than her, but oh how I feel her 😂 thank you for showcasing those fears and self-consciousness and those PAINS. I love her so much. I'm so sad that there is only one chapter left, but I'm so glad I got to read this story at all.

Thank you again. I'll go cry over how beautiful those two disasters are.

thank you, beloved anon, I'm glad that you enjoyed it 💖

I said in a previous ask that I don't want to claim the chapter as smut, but I'm pleased it read that way! I didn't expect to write a chapter with sex either, but it just felt like the right call for the story, for the reasons I talk about here. I guess that might be why there's no dissonance, it was just a thing I figured would be in-character and then I wrote it as in-character as I could.

And yeah, I know it's kinda cringe to have to cast mobility spells or change things when they feel weird and not immediately have the best fucking orgasm of your life in this moment that you've built up into this massive deal in your head bc you're nervous and feeling a lot of emotions but... the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the mindblowing sex is like, three rounds in. The first time there's too much pressure.

Anyway, it's less smut and more a scene where we get to see what Rose would be like in a safe space. When the Ascendent tried to label her praise kink, or called her old, she brushed it off bc she didn't allow herself any vulnerability around him. When she nearly fucked him on a throne, she wasn't in her real body with its real weaknesses. All of the things she rejects in the chapter are reminiscent of non-consensual encounters, but that means there's an admission of the parts she enjoyed as well.

I'm was nervous bc it felt more like a character study and um... that's not what I'm reading smut for, I'll be candid. But unfortunately for me my first foray into none fade-to-black happened in the saddest fucking fic I've ever fucking written, so this is what we get lads. There's much hotter porn elsewhere but this is the ending to this particular story.

I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and felt like it fit the tone of the work! I felt like it fit as well. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't, and I wouldn't have written it just to put some sex in there bc honestly? There are people that can do that job 10,000 x better than me lmfao.

Thank you for messaging ! x

[vacantgodling]

headcanon asks for Tagetes? and/or any of the sins lol

thank you for asking!! i can do a lil of both so i'll to tagetes annnnnnnnd maybe hubris!

TAGETES

Sexuality: god this is such a good question LMAO because for tagetes, sex isn't really about pleasure its about power and so what they enjoy is having power over others. they're a dom so they're into bdsm (VERY into bdsm-between themself and reginae they actually have a conjoined harem of about 50 paramours). however, they don't really like people to... touch them. so like. adjacent to the realm of "stone butch" because you're NOT touching their genitals; they aren't even getting naked and any touch that they give you with their hand is usually pain or tying you up. god this is a mess. they don't have a gender preference either so like tbh. their sexuality is just "dom" LMAOOOO. they'll top anyone and they better be into some kinky shit and power play.

romantically, they are aromantic. so bare min aroallo ig lol.

Gender: troibemme or nonbinary in our world. they exclusively go by they/them.

A ship I have with said character: I REALLY WISH THAT THEY WEREN'T SUCH A DICK BC THEM AND REGINAE ARE ACTUALLY SUCH A CUTE SHIP. like they totally enable one another and are they good people? absolutely not. but like, au where tagetes helps reginae kill off his brothers and they become ruling reagents and are absolutely obsessed with one another WHEN. tbh, i think in many ways, tagetes actually likes reginae, as a person. because tbh if they wanted to really get into a seat of power they wouldn't have chosen the fifth son of the reagent to weasel their way into a relationship with. but i think that they were somewhat... taken by reginae not trying to dampen their ambitions but encouraging them. reginae is VERY doting and in a weird way tagetes can be themself around them - which is yknow. an absolute piece of work, power hungry bastard, but reginae loves it and loves them. i wouldn't say that tagetes loves reginae; they are aromantic, however, they like reginae more than anyone else they have to spend time around so like. so fucking annoyed that they care about their ambition more than regi lmaooo.

A BROTP I have with said character: if you think tagetes has friends that's absolutely hilarious.

A NOTP I have with said character: true notp is tagetes x power LMAO.

A random headcanon: they smoke using a church warden pipe and its a very heavy nicotine laden blend. i gotta name it lol but its much harsher than the blend that amon and hya like to smoke. its a habit that they picked up from their father and they don't like to examine it too closely.

General Opinion over said character: tagetes is such an interesting character because i personally don't tend to get SO invested into my villainous characters (evondra in tcol and viktor in vdtrt are exceptions, however i like to call them the "not really evil, they are just ruled by their circumstances types where they are the way they are because of the hand that life has given them), to the point that i'm planning on writing a whole story centered around their terrible, horrible misdeeds, but like its fascinating getting to write a character so unapologetically horrible lol. like they suck! and its really a lot of fun to write how much they suck! i'm kinda obsessed with them lolol.

HUBRIS - the SIN of pride

Sexuality: he's on the mspec spectrum and probably the most romantically inclined of the sins aside from sion :3c he doesn't tend to stay in relationships for a long time tho and kind of flits to and from relationship to relationship depending on his mood. he has broken a LOT of hearts and usually has 4-6 flings going on at any given time lol

Gender: gnc masc but he uses he and sometimes they pronouns.

A ship I have with said character: i don't have a ship with him actually! i think he just kind of prefers not to be held down so i can't really imagine shipping him with one particular person, plus i haven't fully developed side characters for god eater quite yet; so perhaps in the future i'll have names for some of his flings lol

A BROTP I have with said character: he and ire are actually attached at the hip and even though she likes to deny how close they are they're super close and know each other like the back of each other's hands. he's dramatic and she's a hothead; its very jesse and james energy with the two of them lol.

A NOTP I have with said character: n/a really lol.

A random headcanon: he wears a lot of make up that's very extravagant and out there and usually spends a LOT of time on it. the one thing that never changes is that he has 3 small dots he always draws under each eye- no look for him is complete without them.

General Opinion over said character: hubris is such a fun guy he's literally the most dramatic and flamboyant darling ever. his bredth of emotion is all over the place; he can go from kind, to suave, to emotionally absent, to wailing in the span of like 5 minutes. he really lives life to the fullest and is one of the pieces of glue that holds the rest of the SINS together because he is absolutely planning to annoy all of them for eternity LMAO.

[blamemma]

Not sure if you answered this before but based on your latest bookish asks, what are your top book recommendations? 😌

i have definitely answered this before but cannot find it anywhere in my books tag oops so i dont think i ever tagged it correctly but oH NO a chance for me to talk about my favourite books what a shame???!!!!! anyway book recs under the cut x

ok so i'll try and do this succinctly cause i can talk about good books for hours and hours and what made me so enamoured with them so ok lets go.

bewilderment by richard powers - go into this knowing nothing apart from it centers around a single dad and his son who is concerned about animals and the climate crisis. do not google more about it, do not look for spoilers, just let powers take you on this slow journey of a father and son and all that comes with that....thrust it into the arms of my flatmate with these same words and he kept on asking me questions because he couldn't work out some things in the book and then one night at about 12:30am i get a knock on my bedroom door cause he finished it and we talked for hourssss about it.....just please....read it

at swim, two boys by jamie o'neill - no one is surprised to see this here, maybe look up some of the trigger warnings if there are things you avoid in books for this one, but yeah, two boys, dublin, in love with each other but not acting on their feelings, learning how to swim and forging a bond so strong :)) still thinking about it still aching

the seas by samantha hunt - i think she's under 200 pages?? if not only slightly over.....quick fast paced weird read about a fucked up girl who believes deep in her heart she's a mermaid, flew through this one, really weird concept that was explored thoroughly well

the idiot by elif batuman - i often forget about this one because i read it during the hazy depressed days of first year uni but i know it shaped me, i know it clawed at me, and i know i really want to re-read it soon....a good book if ur lost in ur twenties i think xx

drive your plow over the bones of the dead by olga tokarczuk - much like bewilderment, dont google this one for more than the synopsis and let urself wade through the first 50 pages cause god from there....chefs kiss....a feminist murder mystery fuck YES (and thats a really simple description of what it is)

crossroads by jonathan franzen - aight so you take a heavy religious family with a pastor for a father but ooft the father is cheating on his wife and the son is addicted to drugs and the daughters had enough of her family and is in love with someone she shouldn't be and the mothers done some questionable shit in her past......yeah thats MY kinda family saga....each chapter follows a different member of the family and through these lil snippets u really start to see the inevitable breakdown of a family that on the outside looks perfect

babel by r.f. kuang - look, i gotta give it to the tiktok girlies here......they're onto something here......devoured this beast of a book like there was no tomorrow and went through a full array of emotions with all the characters.....superb book, truly deserves all the hype its been given

(lol reading back through all these and i think what we can comfortably say is i LOVE a sad book keep ur happy emotions away from me)

HONORABLE MENTIONS GO TO: mayflies by andrew o'hagan; the death of vivek oji by akwaeke emezi; shuggie bain by douglas stuart; my brilliant friend by elena ferrante (can not yet recommend the full quartet because i've only read the first two....but yeah.....good shit)