#i lost my job cause of that had to have surgery on my ankle twice

[jackalopefreckles]

Yeahh idk this years been bad for me i was hoping it was gonna get better but it?? Doesn't look like it

[ellanainthetardis]

Are you ready for this chapter? :p

[ff] or [ao3]

65. 11 Months & 35 Weeks (2)

Haymitch’s jaw was clenched so hard his teeth were starting to hurt.

He was sitting in the waiting room, where one of the nurses had directed him to earlier, head bowed, elbows propped on his legs, hands joined and hanging loose… The posture of defeat. It had been… How long had it been? Ten minutes? Fifteen? Twenty? He wasn’t sure. He had lost count somewhere down the line. It might not have been so long.

How long did it take to deliver a baby by C-section?

Thirty-five weeks wasn’t that bad, he told himself. They were two weeks short of the goal they had been aiming for and he knew there were little chances Aidan wouldn’t go into an incubator but thirty-five weeks wasn’t that bad. There wouldn’t be too many complications. Hopefully.

“Here.” Katniss offered quietly, handing him a plastic cup from the vending machine tucked in the corner of the room.

He was extremely slow when he took it, straightening up asked for an energy he didn’t seem to have. His body felt as heavy as lead.

He barely noticed the curious people who were sometimes glancing at the lot of them, either waiting to be called or waiting for news of their own. His eyes immediately zeroed on Peeta who had arrived just in time to take care of April. He had settled the girl in a corner of the room and was playing with her and stuffed toys, sometimes stealing a look toward the nurse station but otherwise doing a better job as staying calm than Haymitch was.

Finally, he relieved the girl of the cup and took a sip only to wince at the taste of tepid tea.

“I didn’t think coffee would be a good idea.” she shrugged, dropping on the chair next to him and perching her feet on the very edge, wrapping an arm around her legs as if hugging herself. “She’s gonna be fine. You’ll see. She’s gonna be fine.” she whispered, leaning more into his side. He leaned back if only because the solidity of her was reassuring and he needed the comfort. “It’s all gonna be fine.”

He wasn’t sure how her hand ended up trapped in his free one but they held fast to each other’s fingers, both terrified at the prospect of what would happen if everything didn’t end up being fine.

April wouldn’t be the only to lose a mother if…

Fuck.

He couldn’t even think about that.

He watched his daughter waved her stuffed elephant at Peeta, explaining something apparently very important in her usual gibberish. When the boy didn’t get it, she pouted that pout that was so much like Effie’s it was hard to breathe and looked around, brightening when she spotted him.

“Dada!” she demanded, arms lifted high over her head in a way that mean she wanted to be carried.

He couldn’t move.

He wanted to because his daughter needed him and…

He couldn’t move.

His body weighted too much. He was frozen in place. He wanted to throw up, to shout, to cry, to drink…

April was nothing but stubborn though, she decided that if he wouldn’t go to her, she would go to  him. She got to her feet and started waddling toward him, Peeta was right behind her, holding her hand to help her walk. Once she was close enough, Haymitch automatically scooped her up with his free arm and settled her on his lap. Peeta dropped on his other side with a long sigh and Haymitch let his head hit the wall at his back.

He closed his eyes.

It was too much.

Sitting there, surrounding by his kids, waiting to hear if Effie…

It was too much.

“Everything will be fine.” Peeta promised firmly.

“Has there been any news?” Elindra’s high-pitched voice echoed around the waiting room as she came back from whenever the nurse had taken her to draw out some blood in case Effie needed it. The Capitol took one look at the four of them huddled together and pursed her lips, either in disapproval at their lack of decorum or in… He didn’t know. He didn’t care.

“No news yet.” Katniss mumbled, wrapping her fingers around April’s ankle as if to steady the baby who didn’t need steadying at all. The girl was happy to snuggle into Haymitch’s chest and to resume her previously interrupted nap.

Interrupted by Effie bleeding out so bad the sheets had been soaked with blood and…

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes again.

“I see.” Elindra said and her voice wavered. “Well. I will try to find a phone and call Tadius to warn him. I will be back.”

He vaguely wondered if the phone call was an excuse to go somewhere private and have the breakdown Haymitch desperately wanted to have.

It was at least fifteen minutes before she came back.

And still no news.

Katniss’ whole weight was resting against his side now and he eventually shifted to wrap an arm around her, letting her use his shoulder as a pillow and hugging her close along with April. He wasn’t really surprised when he felt Peeta’s shoulder pressing hard against his or when he saw the boy reach out to Katniss. The kids’ entwined hands fell on April’s leg.

They were a block, an unit.

Elindra was sitting a couple of chairs away, still not completely a part of their family despite the last couple of months.

When a nurse finally approached them, Haymitch looked up at her with dread, his heart hammering in his chest, his breath stuck in his throat.

“You have a very healthy baby boy, Mr Abernathy.” she said with a smile. Both the kids and Elindra breathed out a sigh of relief at that but Haymitch couldn’t, not yet. The nurse was still talking. “He was born at three sixteen exactly, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner we wanted to have a full picture before informing you. We have him settled in the neonatal nursery now, you can come with me and I will walk you through everything.”

Katniss uncurled and Peeta let go. To free him, he supposed. So he could stand up. Walk. Go see his son.

His son.

It all felt so surreal.

It all felt so…

“My wife?” he croaked, his voice raw and rough.

The nurse’s face was a blank mask of professionalism. “She is still in surgery. There are complications.”

“What sort of complications?” Elindra asked, already out of her chair and hovering there, filing up the space with an authoritative attitude that was bordering on desperate. “I can have the best surgeons here on a phone call. If…”

“The bleeding is extensive.” the nurse cut her off as if it explained everything. Her voice was kind when she turned toward Haymitch once more. “I know you are worried, Mr Abernathy, but you have a baby waiting for you back there. It is an awfully frightening big world for him to be alone in right now.”

The idea that his child could be alone and scared…

He was on his feet in a second, April clutched tight to his chest.

The woman’s eyes fell on the girl and she smiled. “No other visitors for now. In a few hours…”

“Give her to me.” Elindra requested, opening her arms. The sleeping baby didn’t even lift an eyelid when he passed her over with an unnecessary glance to Katniss. He knew the kids would keep an eye on his daughter.

He wiped his hands on his pants as he followed the nurses down the corridors. It shouldn’t happen like that, he mused. It should be like for April. He should have been there when his son was born. He should have held him first thing, he should have been able to cut the cord, he should have…

He could barely focus when the nurse stopped him and handed him some sort of thin plastic gown before instructing him to wash his hands. There were two other babies in plastic cribs in the nursery but his eyes went straight to the big incubator in the corner. So big… And inside…

The moment he caught sight of the baby, he dashed to his side in a flash, taking him in. Aidan was small, smaller than April had been, and his skin looked slightly yellowish. There were tubes. Tiny little tubes in his nose and a bandage on his tummy that he knew probably came from the cord but he was so small and all those things… The plastic band around his tiny wrist…

A hand was placed on his shoulder and he startled. The nurse was lucky he managed to control himself because with his child in so obvious distress and the stress, he was a ball of nerves. Being surprised by a perceived threat right then…

“I know it’s scary.” the woman sympathized. “But this whole thing is more impressive than it really is, I promise. Your son…”

“Aidan.” he corrected, his gaze settling back on the apparently sleeping baby. He was yearning to touch him, to let him know he wasn’t alone, that… “His name’s Aidan.”

“Aidan.” she accepted with a smile. “Aidan is doing very well. He is breathing on his own, which is the best we could hope for. We are giving him oxygen just to be on the safe side, if everything is going well, we will probably stop in a few days. Now, he can’t really regulate his temperature yet and he needs to safely grow up a little, that’s why the incubator is for. Alright?”

He nodded, tentatively placing his hand on the plastic wall of the weird square shaped bubble. He didn’t let himself think of it as a coffin. He didn’t. “He’s okay?”

“He is premature and premature babies are more fragile. But he is doing really well. We examined him and he gave us no cause for serious concern.” she temporized, opening the incubator and carefully scooping the baby out.

Haymitch wasn’t ready for that, he wanted to protest because surely Aidan needed to stay in there to be safe. Wasn’t that what she had just explained? Wasn’t that…

She handed him over and it was a reflex to put his arms the right way, to cradle him close… He looked at her, afraid of doing the wrong thing, of tugging on the tubes…

“You have to be very careful but you can absolutely hold him.” the nurse declared. “He is going to have to spend a lot of time in that incubator and it’s not good for babies to think they’re abandoned so, actually, you have to hold him as often as you can.” She fetched a chair and Haymitch sat down without really thinking twice about it, completely stunned. The woman smiled at him. “I will go see if there are news about your wife. If you have any problems or questions, there is another nurse around the corner.”

She was gone before he could even nod, leaving him alone with a premature baby he had zero idea how to care for.

He took a real look at Aidan for the first time since she had placed him in his arms and just as he was about to start panicking, the baby opened his eyes and let out a tiny sound. It was like the mewling of a kitten and it made Haymitch chuckle. His sight blurred when it finally hit that this was his son.

His perfect little jellyfish.

“Hello, baby boy.” he whispered, his voice cracking a little. “You were in a hurry, yeah? Couldn’t wait any longer?” Aidan’s eyes were clearer than April’s, more grey than blue. There was no fuzz on his head and the skin of his skull looked all smooth. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes… He hesitated a second, not sure he was allowed, and then decided the nurse would have mentioned it so he gently and carefully placed a light kiss on the baby’s head. “Hello, Aidan…”

His son started to fuss, wriggling a little. Haymitch knew the signs well enough now and he wasn’t surprised when the baby started to cry. He was relieved however by the strength of those wails. The baby’s lungs couldn’t be too badly developed if he could scream so loud.

“Not a happy camper, yeah?” he snorted, gently rocking the baby. “Can’t blame you. Must be scary. Didn’t introduce myself either… Your mama would have my balls for that…” He closed his eyes, his throat closing up at the thought of Effie. “I’m your papa. And I’m fucking glad to see you so well. Sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

He should have been. He should have been there to witness the birth and… Instead his son had been handled by strangers for the first minutes of his life.

“It’s complicated, jellyfish.” he sighed. “Can’t tell you how much your mama would like to be here right now. When she finally gets to see you, I promise she won’t want to let you go ever again.”

He hummed April’s favorite lullaby and the baby slowly settled down. He met the clear grey eyes staring back at him and fuck if he didn’t fall in love right then.

“You’re perfect.” he told Aidan. “You’re so fucking perfect and I love you so much. Told your sister when she was born, you need to know it too… I’m gonna do everything I can to keep you safe. I’m gonna do everything I can to…” He stopped, not quite sure what it was he would be trying to do. The future looked uncertain right now, without knowing how Effie was doing. “Wanna hear about your mama? Bravest woman I’ve met. She’s fierce, you know. Too smart for me, too. And so gorgeous…”

He pressed a kiss on the baby’s forehead, careful to not dislodge the tiny tubes in his nose.

“It’s gonna be okay, Aidan.” he swore. “Whatever happens… Papa’s gonna make it okay for you.”

And, at that moment, staring in his son’s eyes, he believed it.

“Haymitch.” Doctor Larcher’s tired voice called from the threshold of the nursery.

Until he caught sight of the doctor’s grim expression, Haymitch believed it.

After catching sight of it…

After catching sight of it, he just clung to his baby boy, closed his eyes and tried not to have a complete breakdown for his child’s sake if nothing else.

[amandaelisablog]

A RANT THAT IS TMI

I need to vent because life gets heavy sometimes and it’s hard to be alone in your mind with these things. I’ve found that doing this gives me an outlet and hopefully finding others who feel as I do. So back in November I had a work injury and forgot to send in a report about it. I didn’t have insurance at the time due to how expensive it was which sucks because you get a penalty charge on your taxes for being uninsured. It’s an unfair thing to the hardworking folks who put in time for crap pay and even work under poor conditions or strenuous physical demands. Having your government say, hey you work, you pay your taxes but you fucked up by not being able to pay for insurance. Anyway, so I got through the whole process to get this checked out, find that it’s a sprain in my knee that hasn’t healed since November, it’s now March. They pay for the urgent care visit, the sports injury doctor, the MRI proving the injury and then deny the claim for physical therapy because I didn’t report it when it happened. What was the point of going through all of this for three months if you knew this and still paid for those tests? Not only that but my company told the worker comp that they called the family I work for (I’m a care provider for people with disabilities) and said that the family said they didn’t know anything about it. It’s all bullshit because the day it happened I told the parents, plus me and the mom are very close and she would have told me right away if someone had called her. She doesn’t hide or keep things from me, she considers me family.

It has put a bad taste in my mouth over my company and the way they deal with things like this. I am a hard worker, I even stayed that day on two twisted ankles, a messed up knee, hip and arm. I was there 8 hours and couldn’t do much with the child I work for due to all the pain I was in, so our activities were floor or table based. On normal days we play and work on habilitation which can be physically demanding and that wasn’t possible. So now after all of that I still have a messed up knee and three months of wasted time. If I had known that this was going to be the outcome of this I would have used my insurance, though I didn’t learn of this insurance until after I started the claim process. It had been active since December which would have been nice to know but again what can you expect from the way that Arizona department services are run.

If the can get out of spending any money on a person they will find a way, which is what Copper Pointe did, it was easy for them to deny it and for my company to throw it and lie about doing a more in depth search on my claims. I am a truly honest person and find that there isn’t a reason to lie about things, especially something like this. The only reason I had informed my manager was to find some information on what happens if I were to have surgery on my knee due to the extreme pain, as well as others in my life who had the exact same pain in that area. I wanted to know if they offered any kind of time off. I like to cover every base I can in order to avoid losing out on pay. I barely make it every month and each month is so anxiety inducing. If it came down to missing work for this or just living with it I would have just left it alone. This is how the world works and it’s your word against those of higher power. You will always be in the wrong because they get final say.

My second issue is this. Since I just got insurance I’ve established a PCP, OBGYN etc. First of all my PCP is making it real easy for me to drop her and find someone else with more consideration. I take medications for anxiety, depression and a mood disorder, which they can’t decide is bipolar or not. I need them badly and after a few days the effects are obvious. Pretty soon it will be hard for me to drive or get out of bed. My mood is very manic as I go through these cycles, it so disorientating and damaging to my job if it happens then. I still have to work and it’s hard, so hard. How the hell am I supposed to even get to work if I can’t drive a straight line or keep the fogginess at bay?

Anyways, so she told me any times since seeing her she would refill these medications. I even brought a paper from a free clinic I had been going to. It had all the information they needed in order to record this and the phone number to the place to verify. Two different people took this information down. The front desk girl took the paper and wrote it down as well as the doctor’s assistant who I watched type every single one into my file on the computer. I was there 7 days ago and told her I needed them refilled since I had one more left of each of them. She said she would send them out that day. I waited and waited but never got the text from my pharmacy saying they were filled so I called the pharmacy thinking maybe they didn’t send it yet. They had no record of it being sent over.

So called my doctor’s office and the girl I spoke to seemed like she didn’t know anything. I explained to her three times the situation and she claimed she couldn’t find any record of these medications, the ones I made sure to give them straight away to avoid this. I called every day since and still nothing, after the third day she magically found the medications and was waiting for doctor approval and for the quantity and mg, which had given the second day calling. I even called today and got the same damn thing from when I first called. I’ve been out of medications for about five days and feel like shit. It has really made me feel as though I made the wrong choice in a provider. I am considering finding someone different who will take things seriously and do their job. Luckily the family I work for is on vacation and I have this time to be in this depressed anxious state.

The last thing on my list here and this is going to get personal, a lot of tmi. I went to my new OBGYN and did all the fun tests you get to do that are both uncomfortable and awkward. After all the tests the doctor sat down with me and said matter of fact, you guys don’t plan on having kids I see. I was taken aback by this because we do plan on having kids just not right now as our money situation isn’t the best. I told her this and she look at me with concern and I didn’t understand what was going on. She explained to me that due to my age, weight and birth control that this factors are working against us conceiving. That was a huge punch to the gut and I wasn’t expecting to hear that. So she hooked me up with this woman who is helping me to lose weight and I’ve lost 6 so far which is a great feeling. But due to this whole business with my meds I am having a hard time not falling back to eating to fill that void. So far I haven’t but I want to.

Anyway, so I had another problem that had to be checked. This is where it gets personal. I got my nips pierced a few years ago, after a year they got infected, did the whole antibiotics thing and it seemed to have gone away. But about a year or so ago I started feeling pain and something hard inside of it. Because I didn’t have insurance it been a struggle to deal with this. On the pain scale it’s about a 7 to 8 some days. The doc didn’t find anything upon inspection but decided to send me to get an ultrasound. So did that and they found an abnormality inside? Just think if she hadn’t sent me and it got worse. I got sent to a specialist who gave me three options, 1 was to leave it alone, 2 was antibiotics and the last option is removing the damaged tissue, which is last because it’s the worst one on the list. So I’m on antibiotics for two weeks then I wait 3 months to make sure it’s gone before we visit the last option. So this is the last option, we remove the damaged tissue which will cause the nerves inside to die and cause the nip to cave in making it an unusable source of feeding a baby.

This all happened within two weeks and its weighing heavy on me. This is where I feel the most alone; no one knows or can understand this feeling I have. It feels like some kind of punishment from the universe or something. To know that I might not be able to have kids but even if I do I basically have a shutdown boob. I’m very old school and feel as though breastfeeding creates a bond with mother and child, it’s important. But it feels as though all my dreams are dashed and the only thing I can do is sit and watch. I’m trying though, to at least lose weight, this has been a great motivator for me to get on the ball. But who can say if this one thing will help in the end? I’m 30 which isn’t old but it is a concern, due to the fact that we might not even start until our mid to late 30s.

“The miscarriage rate is 11.7 percent. By age 30 your risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1 in 952, and a baby with any chromosomal abnormality, 1 in 385.” – parenting.com How can I do that to a child? Knowing this is a possibility? Now before you get all uppity there isn’t anything wrong with down syndrome or anything but with the knowledge I have on this how can I be selfish and not give my child a chance of being born healthy? This study is just for age 30, but considering when we decide to have children it probably won’t be until after 35 if that.

“This is the age when your doctor might recommend amniocentesis or some other prenatal screening—which for many women is anxiety-provoking while they await results—because the risks of having a baby with Down syndrome or another type of chromosomal disorder begin to rise significantly.” – parenting.com.

“The miscarriage rate rises after age 35 to close to 18 percent. Rates of stillbirths are about twice as high among older pregnant women than younger ones, according to recent studies, although the reasons are unknown.” – parenting.com

The above are my concerns and at that point do I even take that risk? I get tired of hear people say, well so and so had a healthy baby at 45. Good for her, but all woman’s bodies are different and you can’t base my situation on someone else. Based on my own body I feel like there is a greater chance of the above happening.

It’s been hard to accept this as a possible reality considering I’ve found a man I love who I want to have children with and grow old with. Before him I was so afraid to have children due to my upbringing with a destructive parental unit. I didn’t want to end up like my mother because I can see a lot of similarities in us that scare me.

Age is a big problem for me mainly because I don’t want to be too old to enjoy my children. I want that time when I’m still able to play with them and be involved and not be in my 60s when they are my age. I wish I had children in my 20s. You know how old my mom is right now? She’s 50! She’s young still and I’m 30 we are 20 years apart and she looks young, people used to think she was my older sister, not in that cheesy way but even at school functions they’d ask where our parents were.

So that’s been my past 2 weeks and it feels good to get some of this out.

[flourhurricane]

About My OC: Claire

I snagged this from @solas-you-nerd but I’m going to choose and describe two of my favorite OCs, because they’re both awesome and I don’t feel like picking between them. First one up is my Sole Survivor Claire.

In this post, I’m tagging: @the-female-gaymer, @lliviaoftheshire, @asha-revas, and @saiyuri-thedragonborn.

GENERAL

Name: Osa Claire Lockhart

Alias(es): Charmer, Sole Survivor

Gender: Cis woman

Age: 35 when she entered cryostasis in 2077

Place of Birth: Blue Fields, Texas (It’s a fictional town but it’d be located in the countryside of Central Texas, where bluebonnets are the most prevalent.)

Spoken Languages: English and Spanish; some Mandarin phrases

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

Occupation: former corporal in the United States Army; former lawyer at the Cambridge Law Offices; semi-retired Railroad heavy; General of the Minutemen

APPEARANCE

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Ginger

Height: 5′3″

Scars: A set of three claw marks across her left cheek from the deathclaw that attacked her in Concord. Also a thick scar behind her left ear from reconstructive surgery she received after being wounded during the Battle of Anchorage.

Overweight: Her body mass index (BMI) would tell her, yes, she’s overweight. But she’s not. Muscles weigh more than fat.

Underweight: No. Claire was a skinny child but she was never underweight or malnourished.

FAVORITE

Color(s): Blue and Yellow

Hair Color: She’s partial to a certain someone’s black hair...

Eye Color: Again, she’s partial to a certain someone and their brown eyes...

Music Genre: Country and western, rockabilly, swing

Movie Genre: B-films, especially horrible, low budget science fiction films

TV Show(s): The Twilight Zone, Science Fiction Theater; also, she listened to the Silver Shroud radio show religiously and was looking forward to the TV show’s premiere.

Food: (pre-war) tamales; (post-war) radstag stew

Drink: Nuka-Cola Victory

Book: Science fiction novels, of course; her favorite authors are Mary Shelley and H.G. Wells.

HAVE THEY

Passed University: Yes, she earned her sociology degree at Texas A&M and earned her law degree at Harvard Law School.

Had Sex: Yes.

Had Sex in Public: She’s had sex at other people’s houses, cars belonging to whichever guy she was dating at the time, and once (or twice), in a barn. But she’s never been drunk enough to actually have sex in a public place. 

Gotten Pregnant: Yes.

Kissed a Man: Yes.

Kissed a Woman: Probably. I could see her going through that straight, white, high school/college girl phase of “experimentation!” that misled a poor girl who was a lesbian and might’ve thought she’d found someone. Claire knows better now, but back then? She would’ve been ignorant to the harm she caused.

Gotten Tattoos: Yes, she has a bluebonnet flower on her right ankle and a black and white sugar skull on her right inner wrist. 

Gotten Piercings: She used to wear earrings but has since let the piercings close up.

Had a Broken Heart: More than one, I’m sure.

Been in Love: Yes.

Stayed Up for More than 24 Hours: Uh, she was once a college student, so yeah.

ARE THEY

A virgin: No.

A cuddler: Yeah, she likes cuddling and being cuddled. Her favorite thing to do is hug Danse’s arm, even when they’re in public. 

A kisser: Yes.

Scared Easily: Ever since she lost most of the hearing in her left ear, Claire has to be more aware of her surroundings. Extremely loud thunder and mole rats or radscorpians jumping out of nowhere scare her. But not much else. The military tends to train the fright reaction out of their soldiers.

Jealous Easily: It takes a lot to make her jealous.

Trustworthy: Yes. You won’t find a more loyal and dependable ally.

Dominant: You mean sexually dominant? It depends. Claire loves sex. She’s never been ashamed of that. When she was younger and dated (and had more than a few one night stands), she preferred being the dominant one. But when she’s in a loving, committed relationship, Claire wants equality in the bedroom. Sometimes, she’s in control; other times, Danse is.

Submissive: No. Claire has always been the kind of woman who spoke her mind. She always stands up for herself, is always determined to prove she can do anything a man can do, always takes the lead when needed, etc. Even in the bedroom. She doesn’t consider Danse taking the lead as submitting. She wants him because she trusts him. To Claire, being submissive means someone (usually a woman) is too frightened to speak up for themselves or doesn’t recognize their own self worth. (That... kind of says a lot about her upbringing.)

In Love: Yes.

Single: No.

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Have They Harmed Themselves: Yes.

Thoughts of Suicide: Yes.

Attempted Suicide: No. Her depression was new and debilitating when she returned home from the war. She barely ate, couldn’t leave her home, let alone her bed. The only reason Claire’s alive today is her little brother. He’d go into her room every day and read to her. At night, she’d say to herself, “I have to make it through one more day.” She couldn’t kill herself and risk her brother being the first to find her. Unfortunately, she never told him how much those story-times meant to her.

Wanted to Kill Someone: Yes (and did).

Ridden a Horse: Yes.

Have/Had a Job: Yes.

Have Any Fears: Other than being scared by thunder or something jumping out at her, ending up alone in the wastelands.

FAMILY

Siblings(s): One younger brother - Floyd Johnathan Lockhart

Parents: Ennis and Osa Lockhart

Children: Shaun Gerard (original Shaun); Shaun Lockhart (synth Shaun); Osa Danse (born 1-2 years after the Institute is destroyed); and Pilar Danse (born 2-3 years after her sister).

Pets: Freckles, a cattle dog / shepherd mix she had when she was a little girl; Dogmeat, Athena (Danse’s Rottweiler), and Shroud (Shaun’s black cat).

[littlemissmeggie]

MEGS! It's been a minute! I haven't been on tumblr in quite some time and wanted to check on you. I think last I heard you had a great check up with your new doctor. How's things been going since then?

hi, my friend! oh my gosh, i’m not sure which appointment you’re talking about because i got three new doctors last year and had good appointments—in their way—with all of them. i’ll try to stick to the bullet points of the year since it’s possible the check up you’re talking about was the first appointment with my new primary care doctor last march, though maybe not, which will still make a novella, because everyone who has been around since then will probably want to kill me because they’ve been seeing me cry about how terrible my life is and how 2020 was literally the worst year of my life. so, like, brace yourself... (if that’s not the post you’re talking about and you’ve seen more, skip to the point you meant.)

(i’ll put it under the cut so everyone else who doesn’t want to read this/has seen it all before doesn’t have to see it again.)

my new primary care physician sent me for an MRI in mid-march and they found a lesion on the right frontal lobe of my brain.

my new neurologist has sent me for three follow-up MRIs, two spinal taps, an EEG, and blood work to monitor the lesion and try to diagnose it. the two most likely options are a benign tumor or, more likely still, demyelination—damage to the myelin, or protective coating around nerves—caused by a single event; in my case, it doesn’t seem to be progressive like it would be if it were caused by MS or another demyelinating disease since there has been no change to the size and nothing has shown in my cerebrospinal fluid. if it is damage, the most likely event would be a cluster of seizures i had a few years ago that put me into status epilepticus, a state when the brain isn’t able to stop the seizure(s) on its own and requires medical intervention; i was given two doses of ativan intravenously and suffered lack of oxygen to my brain. (one in five people die in status epilepticus.) 

until it became clear that the lesion was stable and didn’t appear to be growing, i was scared out of my mind that i was going to wake up one day and not remember who my boyfriend was or remember the past ten years of my life or that i would go to my mom’s house for dinner one sunday night and not know who my nephew was because he’s too “new.” or that my language would regress to that of a second-grader. (the frontal lobe controls memory and language/speech, among other things.)

i’m paranoid about getting covid because one of my biggest seizure triggers is a high fever. i know it’s not guaranteed that i’d have a fever if i get covid but it’s guaranteed that i would have a seizure if i had a fever. every time i’ve had a high fever since i started having seizures, i’ve had a seizure severe enough to send me to the ER and not only do i not want to go to the ER in the current covid circumstances but a seizure that severe could mean potential further brain damage and that scares me. a lot. we already know this lesion is causing issues.

i’ve started having two new types of seizures since september. one of my medications has been increased twice. it fortunately seems to be working to control them. (so that’s good!)

i started a new medication to control my migraines, eliminate my chronic headache, and reduce one type of focal seizures. that also has been working so that’s good too!

i started seeing an epileptologist who told me that we will work to control not only my tonic clonic seizures but also all of my focal seizures. she identified seven types at the first appointment (and added an eighth when a new one started in november), which isn’t really common. most people have one or two types of focal seizures, not eight. she thinks we should explore alternative treatments, like surgery or implants, in addition to medications. my old doctors never cared about the focal seizures and never mentioned alternative treatments so it’s encouraging to have doctors who do.

i’ve been referred to sub-specialists to try to diagnose the lesion.

i have thousands of dollars of medical bills from all of the appointments and tests.

i lost my job and have been officially unemployed since the beginning of september. i loved that job and was only promoted to it in 2019 after working incredibly hard for the promotion and working for the company for almost eight years, starting at the bottom and working my way to the top. it was the first time i felt truly good at something, like it was where i excelled.

i have a new job lined up but since i teach cooking classes, it’s not something that can be started until it’s safe to do things like that again. and who knows when that will be.

i’m trying to start virtual cooking classes and i know i should be patient and let it grow but it’s not been successful so far and it’s discouraging, to say the least.

i’ve been depressed, anxious, and stressed for about six months now.

i’ve spent most of the last year alone because my boyfriend has (fortunately) still been working and since he’s a chef, he hasn’t been working from home so he’s gone most of the day. 

i gained 20 pounds in 2020. i know weight shouldn’t really matter but i’ve been within the same five-pound weight range for over twelve years and have never weighed as much as i weigh now. my ankles and feet literally hurt all of the time. it’s awful and uncomfortable.

i think that sums it up. i’m trying to start 2021 by looking at the positives that came out of last year—new doctors, new medication, increased dose that has helped control seizures, my sister got married, etc.—and by working to manage my stress and try to pull myself out of my depression and anxiety by focusing less on the things that made me miserable last year and the things i can’t control (losing my job, covid, brain lesion) and more on the things that bring me happiness and decrease my stress, like reading and writing and doing yoga and listening to music and cooking and baking for fun.

anyway, i’m sorry for this long, venting, ranty answer! thank you for sending me this message! i hope you’ve been well and that your life hasn’t been as much of a rollercoaster as mine has been.

xo

[junker-town]

The 4 kinds of prospects you’ll want to watch at the NFL Combine

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

From Tua Tagovailoa’s medical evaluation to must-see workouts, these are the player storylines to follow at the combine.

Here’s the thing about the NFL Scouting Combine: It is the single strangest event on the sports calendar. There is nothing normal about this job interview process. Still, it’s a major part of the lead up to the NFL Draft.

Players will be interviewed by the media and teams — you decide which is more laborious. They’ll be poked and prodded by medical staffs, and their medical information will get put online. They’ll take the Wonderlic test, and that too will find its way online. Finally, the players will work out in their underpants where anything can happen.

Mostly, though, it’s about the prospects themselves. Here are a few key things to watch for at the 2020 NFL Combine:

The players who have the most important medical tests

The combine started as a way for NFL teams to get medical information on the players they might draft. Here are a few players with injury pasts that will be worth watching — none more paramount than the first name on this list.

1. Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama

Tagovailoa, who fractured his hip in November, said his doctors are expected to fully clear him by March 9. The greater issue, though, is the quarterback’s long-term health.

If teams are concerned that Tagovailoa can easily re-injure his hip, they will check him off their draft list. There’s also Tagovailoa’s ankles. He underwent a procedure called tightrope surgery on both ankles in different years following sprains. That is not normal. Tagovailoa’s health report will be fully scrutinized this week.

2. Netane Muti, OG, Fresno State

In 2017, Muti had the look of a future first-round player at a position that typically doesn’t get taken that highly. He manhandled defenders with ease. Then injuries set in. In 2018, he ruptured his left Achilles. In 2019, had Lisfranc foot surgery. But if he can move around in drills fairly well, he’s the type of player who will benefit from the combine.

3. Antoine Winfield Jr., S, Minnesota

There is a lot to like about Winfield. He was an All-American last season after finishing the year with seven interceptions and 83 tackles. He plays physically and will wallop the ball carrier from his safety position. Despite going pro after his redshirt sophomore season, Winfield was in college for four years after playing in just four games in both the 2017 and 2018 seasons. He he had a serious hamstring injury in 2017 and tore a ligament in his foot the next year.

4. Trey Adams, OT, Washington

Like Muti, Adams looked like a first-round pick early in his college career until injuries hit. A torn ACL cost Adams part of his 2017 season and back surgery shortened his 2018 season. Both are serious injuries, and teams might be wary of Adams because of his health.

5. Lucas Niang, OT, TCU

Niang has an outside chance of being taken in the top 64. The medical evaluation process will be critical for him. He tore his hip labrum as a junior and played through it. However, the injury caused him to end his senior season early for surgery. When he was healthy, Niang projected as a first-round player.

The players who could impress during workouts

With the combine workouts moving to primetime, the NFL has to be expecting some insane numbers. These are a few guys who could put on a show.

1. Henry Ruggs III, WR, Alabama

The 40-yard dash is the most popular combine event, and this year some players will get close to John Ross’ record of 4.22 seconds. Texas receiver Devin Duvernay should time well, but Ruggs probably has the best chance of breaking Ross’ mark. Ruggs ran a 4.26-second 40 at Alabama’s junior pro day last year, and has spent the run up to the combine working on his times.

2. K’Lavon Chaisson, Edge, LSU

While he won’t break any 40 records, Chaisson’s workout will be must-see television on Saturday night — and it should make people forget his pedestrian 6.5 sacks last season. He could come close to 4.5 flat in the 40-yard dash and should have one of the better vertical jumps in his position group. All of those things equal athleticism and explosiveness, something NFL teams covet in a pass rusher.

3. Neville Gallimore, DT, Oklahoma

The combine’s most impressive workout should belong to Gallimore. At 300 pounds, Gallimore is a crazy athlete, and there are some expectations he could get below 4.75 seconds in the 40. Gallimore was second on Bruce Feldman’s annual freaks list for good reason. As Feldman pointed out, Gallimore can bench press 500 pounds and squat 800 pounds.

4. Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa

Just ahead of Gallimore on the freaks list was Wirfs. The first true freshman offensive tackle to start for Kirk Ferentz was a star at Iowa. Wirfs, who is my top offensive tackle in the draft, has everything you want in a blocker. He’s a good athlete, has incredible strength, and stands 6’5 and 320 pounds. He could blow people away with his workout. He’s already penciled in as a top-10 pick. A big week in Indianapolis could make him him the consensus No. 1 at his position.

The players who could break out

Every year, there’s at least one prospect whose draft stock shoots through the roof. Who could it be this year?

1. Albert Okwuegbunam, TE, Missouri

This draft is begging for someone to step up in an otherwise dull tight end class. Notre Dame’s Cole Kmet is the top tight end in the draft, but he might not be the best athletic tester. That could open things up for a player like Okwuegbunam, whose name I had to look up the spelling on twice while writing this portion. Okwuegbunam had just 26 receptions for 306 yards and six touchdowns this past season, which is nothing special. But in 2017, he had 11 touchdowns and averaged 14.3 yards per catch. If he can test well, he should rise.

2. Colby Parkinson, TE, Stanford

Parkinson is another tight end who could make a big leap this week. At just over 6’7, he’s the tallest tight end at the combine this year. He’s not some lumbering buffoon, either. Parkinson glides around the field and stretches the seam. Stanford’s quarterback play has been suspect, so Parkinson could be a classic “better as a pro” type of prospect.

3. Jacob Eason, QB, Washington

How sold are you really on Utah State’s Jordan Love or Oregon’s Justin Herbert? After Joe Burrow and Tagovailoa, those two are considered by many to be the next two quarterbacks taken in the draft. But Eason could squeeze into the discussion. I had him going to the Patriots in a recent mock draft, and the next week ESPN’s Mel Kiper did too.

Eason’s college career was less than straightforward. He played his first two seasons at Georgia and lost his job to Jake Fromm his sophomore season when he sprained his knee. Eason then sat out 2018 as a transfer and played just one season at Washington. Eason’s 2019 stats (3,132 yards and 23 touchdowns) didn’t wow, but it’s hard to quit a massive 6’6 quarterback with an even more massive arm. It only takes one team to love Eason, and he could catch someone’s eye in his workout session.

The players who most need a good combine

Some prospects need a strong performance at the combine to show teams who they really are. Here are four such players this year:

1. Cam Akers, RB, Florida State

The Seminoles have just two players at the combine this year: Akers and cornerback Stanford Samuels, both juniors. That should tell you something about the state of the football program in Tallahassee. Akers was a blue-chip recruit for Florida State, but the team’s offensive line was so bad he never dominated as expected. That makes him somewhat hard to judge. He’s also not the best pass catcher, so teams will be watching how he catches the ball.

2. Raekwon Davis, DE, Alabama

Was Davis asked to not get after the quarterback, or was he just not that good at it? That’s what teams will be trying to find out at the combine. Despite playing in 12 games and finishing sixth on Alabama in tackles in 2019, Davis had just a half a sack on the season. Sure, sack totals can be misleading, but he just didn’t get into the backfield. Davis is good playing the run, and will be decent enough in three-man fronts. But he can help fix his draft stock with good timing numbers.

3. Jeff Thomas, WR, Miami

If you value high school football ratings, you probably expected big things out of Thomas. He was rated higher by 247 Sports than players like Ruggs and Jalen Reagor in the 2017 class. But his career at Miami didn’t go as planned. Thomas was suspended multiple times at Miami and had just 1,316 yards in three seasons. That includes only 379 in 2019. Still, he’s at the combine because teams are intrigued by his athleticism, even though they do have questions about his maturity.

4. Jauan Jennings, WR, Tennessee

Jennings is a complex case. On the surface, he’s the complete package at receiver. He has size, measuring in at 6’3 and 215 pounds, and had good stats in 2019 with 59 receptions for 969 yards and eight touchdowns. Most incredibly, on those 59 receptions, Pro Football Focus says he had 30 broken tackles. And he has a penchant for wild catches, like this one against Florida. The problem is that there are some character questions Jennings will have to answer. He was temporarily kicked off the team in 2017 and suspended for part of a bowl game after planting his foot into the face of a Vanderbilt player.

[sarcasticfina]

i was tagged by: @scottspierce

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

tagging: i don’t tend to tag people. if you wanna do it, go for it!

1. drink: iced tea 2. phone call: dad 3. text message: one of my best friends 4. song you listened to: emotion - carly rae jepsen 5. time you cried: last night, ‘cause i was watching a sad vlog on youtube

have you ever:

6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: ohhh yeah 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope; i don’t drink

3 favorite colors:

12. purple 13. blue 14. green

in the last year have you:

15. made new friends: yep 16. fallen out of love: nope 17. laughed until you cried: definitely 18. found out someone was talking about you: no 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20. found out who your friends are: not really 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: the fuck is a facebook list? i’m never on fb

general:

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them 23. do you have any pets: 3 - one dog, two cats 24. do you want to change your name: nah 25. what did you do for your last birthday: manicures, dinner, movie with my bff 26. what time did you wake up: 9:30 am, then i went back to sleep and woke up at 11 am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: reading fic 28. name something you can’t wait for: to see if i got the job i applied for 31. what are you listening to right now: the movie Annie (1982) is playing in the background 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah 33. something that is getting on your nerves: how vague many of the q’s are  34. most visited website: tumblr for sure 35. hair colour: copper red 36. long or short hair: it’s kind of medium right now 39. piercings: just my ears 40. blood type: i can’t remember 41. nicknames: honey bunches of sugared oats 42. relationship status: single 43. zodiac: aries 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: brooklyn nine nine never disappoints  46. tattoos: two; one on my wrist and one on my ankle 47. right or left handed: left 48. surgery: just dental 49. piercing: this is the same as 39 for some reason? same answer. just ears. 50. sport: basketball and hockey 51. vacation: vancouver 52. pair of trainers: dr. scholl’s 

more general:

53. eating: these are so vague. is it asking my favorite foods or what i’m currently eating? i just ate a creamsickle. my favorite food is chicken caesar salad 54. drinking: i’m currently drinking minute maid fruit juice 55. i’m about to: get some writing done 56. waiting for: bed time, lol 57. want: to go on a nice long vacation 58. get married: eventually 59. career: youth counselor

which is better:

60. hugs or kisses: depends on the person 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: i guess hesitant

have you ever:

67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: no 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no 70. turned someone down: yes 71. sex on the first date: no 72. broken someone’s heart: yes 73. had your heart broken: yes 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: yes

do you believe in:

77. yourself: generally, yeah 78. miracles: somewhat 79. love at first sight: not really 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: depends on the person 82. angels: not really

other:

83. current best friend’s name: felisha, alejandra, harmony, soph 84. eye colour: mine are brown, i like green eyes the most 85. favourite movie: the wizard of oz

[queen-daenerys]

Tag games :)

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

i was tagged by my lovely bby @starktasticc <3 thank youuuu love <3

i’m not gonna tag 20 ppl, but i’ll tag some, do this if u feel like it but ignore if u don’t :) @shesbeautyshesdemigrace, @tomastuchel, @loonyi, @hauntedfinnick,@bradleeyjamess, @ohnygma, @bisexualella, @texasfairylights, @sanabakkousk, @sansarya, @boleynqueens, @perriedahling, @borderlineanakin, @aredhels, @shiremaiden, @eternallyalexdanvers 

the last…  

1. drink: water with lemon slices

2. phone call: my older sister

3. text message: a group chat with my sisters and mom

4. song you listened to: No Rest for the Wicked by Lykke Li

5. time you cried: i think like a week ago? been too sick to cry this week

6. dated someone twice: is this like have i ever or still “last time” i did something..? um yeah i have but like years ago..

7. kissed someone and regretted it: oh yeah, idk like months and months ago now tho

8. been cheated on: kind of, a long time ago

9. lost someone special: yes

10. been depressed: yeah i mean for most of my life really

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: oh yeah, i mean not often but the latest was only like a month ago, it was a bad night..

favorite colors


12. purple

13. teal

14. yellow

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes definitely :)

16. fallen out of love: no

17. laughed until you cried: yep

18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah, that wasn’t great..

19. met someone who changed you: definitely

20. found out who your friends are: i suppose so

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yeah..

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i think almost all of them

23. do you have any pets: yes, my cat Neko

24. do you want to change your name: nah

25. what did you do for your last birthday: i don’t think i did much, saw my friend i think, went to a movie, packed up things to move to NL

26. what time did you wake up: like 11 i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: blogging/watching a chinese drama show i’m addicted to..

28. name something you can’t wait for: for.. my life to get better...? to find a job outside of finland and move away from here again..

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like an hour ago before she went to bed, seeing as i’m back home for now

31. what are you listening to right now: no music, watching oitnb in the background tho

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yep

33. something that is getting on your nerves: failing at life

34. most visited website: tumblr i think, or the site where i watch shows online

35. hair colour: like an ombre thingy, brown at the top and then like a silver blonde in the ends

36. long or short hair: like medium i guess

37. do you have a crush on someone: hmm i guess, i’m not really sure atm

38. what do you like about yourself: my imagination i guess

39. piercings: just my ears, but probably those have grown shut now since i can’t wear earrings

40. blood type: don’t know actually

41. nickname: tim, timothy, tim-tom, ravy, birdie, cookie..

42. relationship status: single and very tired

43. zodiac: leo

44. pronouns: she/her

45. favourite tv show: sooo many don’t even get me started.. like look at my blog, it’s a mess, you can see i watch too many shows!

46. tattoos: 2, one on my back and one i got recently on my ankle

47. right or left handed: right

48. surgery: just one small one

49. piercing: you... already asked....? (39)

50. sport: haha yeah no (trying to do pilates and yoga these days)

51. vacation: currently on holiday i guess, although it’s really more than i am unemployed...

52. pair of trainers: what’s the question here? if i have any? yes i wear my adidas daily #lovethem

more general

53. eating: like now? kinder chocolate

54. drinking: still some water with lemon

55. i’m about to: go to bed soon

56. waiting for: everything to be over..?

57. want: a job in amsterdam :(

58. get married: oh yeah no thanks

59. career: author/literary editor

60. hugs or kisses: yes

61. lips or eyes: both

62. shorter or taller: taller?

63. older or younger: older

64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms

65. hook up or relationship: neither right now thanks 

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

67. kissed a stranger: yes

68. drank hard liquor: vodka is my life

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: haha do you know how blind i am? you don’t “lose” them when you’re blind without them..

70. turned someone down: yes

71. sex on the first date: have done before, depends how i feel

72. broken someone’s heart: yes

73. had your heart broken: yes

74. been arrested: no

75. cried when someone died: yes

76. fallen for a friend: yes

do you believe in …

77. yourself: i did but i don’t anymore..

78. miracles: not really

79. love at first sight: no

80. santa claus: no

81. kiss on the first date: believe in? like.. that they exist? wut?

82. angels: i don’t think so

other

83. current best friend’s name: Miia, although i prefer not to choose one best friend cause i have several really good friends i love

84. eye colour: blue

85. favourite movie: sooooooo so so many i cannot choose i love movies

[emhoardsbooks]

tagged by: @remushlupin rules - you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 (ish) people tagging: @remusluvpin @saladtsar @ravehclaw @sourpatchstarkids @fvnrir @thunderbjrd @karkaroff @softdiggory -- only if you want to <3

the last

1.drink: water 2. phone call: my nana 3. text message: a group chat with my aunt and sister making plans for us to go visit her 4. song you listened to: don’t come home - emma blackery 5. time you cried: lol T O D A Y at work (angry tears, god i hate being an emotional wreck)

6. dated someone twice: i’ve only ever dated one person lol

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: yes but not like a love interest. i’ve just lost a lot of friends lol

10. been depressed: too often 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never

3 favorite colors 12. the kind of royal, bright blue of a clear sky 13. the green of the trees when sun is shining through their leaves 14. the light rosey color of sunsets

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes 18. found out someone was talking about you: i think so?? 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20. found out who your friends are: yes 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: well i mean... does it count when you’re fb friends with your boyfriend? that’s not what this is really asking right cause that’s too boring

general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: the majority 23. do you have any pets: one dog 24. do you want to change your name: no 25. what did you do for your last birthday: i worked because my birthday is right before christmas and the store hates when we take any days of before the holiday because we’re so busy. and then i’m pretty sure i just had dinner with the bf and my parents... OH AND i got a birthday card from my grandma who had recently died lol that made it a fun time 26. what time did you wake up: around 8:30 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: getting ready for bed 28. name something you can’t wait for: my cousin is getting married in a week and i can’t wait to get dressed up, i have a really cute dress 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: just a little while ago

31. what are you listening to right now: machine - misterwives 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: when you try so hard not to name the bf and this one tag game calls you out. but yes, the bf’s name is tom

33. something that is getting on your nerves: my job 34. most visited website: tumblr, youtube, netflix 35. hair colour: brown 36. long or short hair: short 37. do you have a crush on someone: i mean i guess i can say i have a crush on the bf cause like that’s how it works and shit 38. what do you like about yourself: sarcastic humor 39. piercings: just the ears

40. blood type: fuck fuck fuck i forget.... O negative *i think* 41. nickname: em 42. relationship status: taken 43. zodiac: capricorn

44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: wynonna earp, futurama, brooklyn nine-nine, game of thrones.... i should probably stop or i’ll just be listing shows i like 46. tattoos: one, on my ankle 47. right or left handed: right handed 48. surgery: nope 49. piercing:  yes 50. sport: skiing 51. vacation: i prefer beaches 52. pair of trainers: as in shoes? wtf are words. idk i really like to wear vans but i’m also lazy with shoe laces so i wear slip on flats a lot 

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: ice cream (soon) 54. drinking: water 55. i’m about to: watch futurama probably 56. waiting for: my dad to go to sleep so i can have the tv to watch futurama lol 57. want: my ice cream 58. get married: yes 59. career: lol who the fuck knows

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: both 61. lips or eyes: eyes

62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no (cause i don’t wear them) 70. turned someone down: yes 71. sex on the first date: no 72. broken someone’s heart: possibly? but probably not i don’t think he was that into me 73. had your heart broken: no 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: sometimes 78. miracles: sometimes 79. love at first sight: sometimes 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: yes 82. angels: sometimes lol

OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: bethany and erin (lol don’t make me choose wtf) 84. eye colour: hazel 85. favorite movie: the lion king

[sincerelybluevase]

Fanfic Friday: Lips touch, part 14

In which Sister B hurts her foot and Doctor T has to come to the rescue like the proper chivalric doctor he is. Based on the prompt ‘Sister B hurts her ankle/knee/hip whatever and Doctor T has to help her’, suggested to me by @bloghey131313.

 The scream lasted a second at most, but Patrick had years of experience of waking from the muffled ringing of the telephone downstairs and was on his feet before having made a conscious decision. Within a few heartbeats he was out of his office and across the hallway. Only a handful of seconds more and he stood outside, at the top of the stone steps that connected his surgery to the street.

Sister Bernadette was on the bottom of those steps, a tangle of limbs and navy fabric. Her wimple was splattered with dirt. Patrick guessed that her habit was just as soiled, but the deep blue hid it better.

“Sister!” he exclaimed, and almost flew down the steps.

“Careful!” she warned him, her voice higher than he was used to, “Those steps are slick as a selkie.” It had rained these past few days, and the grey stone shone almost black with wetness.

“Did you slip?” Patrick asked. He knelt down next to her, found her glasses on the final step, and handed them back to her.

Her hands trembled as she put them on. “It’s nothing,” she murmured, and tried to get up. She cried out in pain just as Patrick wanted to order her to sit still and let him check her for injuries. Her left leg refused to carry her weight. She would surely have collapsed and fallen in the murky puddle she had upset so recently of Patrick’s arm hadn’t shot out to catch her. Her lips moved, but no words came out. He guessed she was either praying, or pouring out a string of silent curses. He would bet money on the former, simply because he could not see the little nun performing the latter. “That doesn’t look like nothing.”

“I… I think I’ve twisted my ankle,” she whispered. She looked very pale all of a sudden, only a few shades darker than her scapular and the clean parts of her wimple. Patrick feared she might faint.

“I’ll take you inside and have a look at that ankle of yours,” Patrick decided. There was no way she could go back to Nonnatus like this. She could hardly stand, let alone walk or bike. She can’t very well hop up those steps, either, a voice whispered inside his head. He would love to call it the voice of reason, or common sense, but his heart drummed too fast at the idea of holding her in his arms for it to be either. “I’m going to have to carry you inside, if that’s alright with you, Sister,” he said.

“Maybe I can walk inside with your help,” she suggested, her eyes not quite meeting his.

“And risk us both falling?”

“I don’t want you to throw out your back.” “I’m stronger than I look. Hauling around all that gas-and-air has given me plenty of practice. Besides, unless you can levitate, I don’t see how you’re going to get from here to my examination table by yourself,” he quipped.

“Me, neither,” she confessed, and gave a tight smile.

Patrick guessed she must really be in pain by the way she scrunched up her face and bit back a scream as he picked her up. Sweet, self-sacrificing Sister Bernadette. He had been her GP for the past ten years, but he had only seen her as a patient twice before. He thought back to those times in an effort to distract himself from her arm around his neck, from the warmth that seeped through her habit into the hand he had placed on the small of her back to support her, from the scent of starch and soap and something distinctly her that nestled itself in his nose.

The first time she had come to him because of a throat infection that had rendered her almost mute. Patrick had given her a prescription for penicillin and advised her to drink lots of tea sweetened with honey. The second time it was Sister Julienne who asked him to take a look at their youngest religious sister. Sister Bernadette had fainted several times in just a couple of weeks. It had been concluded that she had low blood pressure and suffered from anaemia, for which he had given her iron tablets.

Sister Bernadette was someone who didn’t complain, ever. Patrick sometimes wondered whether she had learned to keep her hurts and troubles to herself as a young child after her mother had died, or if she felt that it somehow went against her vow of obedience to complain. It wasn’t his place to ask, though.  

Patrick put her down on one of the examination tables and put some screens around her. The surgery was deserted at this time, but someone could walk in unannounced and he didn’t want to compromise the little nun’s dignity. He still had to examine her, though, and that was going to be uncomfortable for both of them, though for different reasons.

“Do you need help to remove your shoe?” he asked.

“I think I can manage,” she said.

“Well, don’t force it. If it won’t come off, we’ll cut it off,” he said.

“Sister Evangelina will throw a fit if she knows I ruined a perfect pair of shoes. I’ve only had them for a week,” Sister Bernadette said, two small lines appearing between her brows as she knit them together.  

“Let her blow her top. I’ll buy you a new pair.” The words were out of his mouth before his brain had properly processed them. He blushed.

“I couldn’t accept that,” she said. Her eyes snapped up and met his, worry writ large in them. “Let’s see if you can get it off without the use of scissors, then. I’ll fetch my bag.”

Get a grip, Turner, he told himself as he found his bag in his office. He grabbed a towel for Sister Bernadette to cover herself with, then made a detour to the kitchen to put on the kettle. He washed his hands with icy water in an attempt to get his flushed body under control again. He would be the picture of professionality as he palpated her foot, her shapely ankle, getting a glimpse of her leg without the woollen stocking…

He cleared his throat and rubbed some cold water on his wrists. This would not do. He sighed and rubbed his eyes before washing his hands again.

Your attraction to her is only partly physical, so stop behaving like a hormonal teenager, Patrick scolded himself, and knew it to be true. Her pretty face was still visible, as were her small hands and delicate wrists, but for the rest the habit did an admirable job of hiding that the body underneath was female. No, he had admired her capability as a nurse and midwife, her quiet efficiency, but most of all her compassion long before he got a glimpse from the individual, from the person she was before she was Sister Bernadette. He wondered when his admiration for her had started to slip into something more.

Patrick was not a religious man. His faith had been wavering ever since he was a teenager, and he had lost whatever lingering bit there was after the war and the death of Marianne. Sister Bernadette, however, made him entertain such religious concepts as the soul. He was still no closer to forming a definite answer to some of the bigger questions of life that had plagued him since adolescence, but he did know one thing: if there was such a thing as the human soul, Sister Bernadette had touched his, and now his soul cried out for hers.

He snapped out of his reverie and returned to his patient. He passed her the towel without looking so she could cover herself up, and waited till she told him she was ready. By the time he was ready to examine her he had himself under control again.

Sister Bernadette sat on the side of the table, her legs dangling from the edge, her eyes trained on the floor. She had managed to get her shoes off in one piece, and flashed him a brief smile as he told her he was glad he would not have to be some prince in a warped version of Cinderella.

Patrick knelt down in front of her and looked at her foot. He couldn’t help but wince in sympathy. The ankle was already swollen, the skin radiating angry reds and purples. He tried to be gentle, but Sister Bernadette still hissed as he palpated her ankle.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured.

“I’m alright,” she said, but her voice was tight.

Patrick checked for breaks and didn’t find any. That was a relief, at least. It would still take considerable time before she would be able to be up and about again, though.

He knew he had to get up and wrap her ankle, that he had to tell her to keep bedrest and elevate her foot till the swelling went down, but he could not bring himself to speak. He could have guessed that her foot was small – her hands were quite tiny, after all– but he had never really thought about it. He tried to keep thoughts of her body at bay if he could. Now, with her small foot resting in the palm of his hand, he was entranced.

There was a sliver of pink nail polish on the nail of her big toe. Had one of the nurses asked to practice on the little nun’s feet, or had she done it herself? Patrick was quite sure that nuns were not supposed to use things like nail polish, and the thought that Sister Bernadette had gave him a secret thrill of pleasure. He had known she was not always a stickler for rules since the Carter delivery –the idea that she snuck cigarettes from her father’s desk still made him chuckle – but knowing that this trait was not mere teenage rebelliousness gave him more joy than it should. Another sign was the small bit of leg that was not covered by the towel; Sister Bernadette had shaved her legs. Patrick’s only knowledge about women and their shaving habits came from Marianne. She had often complained about it; her skin was sensitive, and shaving would cause a nasty kind of irritation that would last for days. Now, it could be that Sister Bernadette simply wasn’t that hairy and that she hadn’t used razor blades to get rid of unwanted hair at all, if it had not been for the tiny cut near her lateral malleolus*. Patrick might not know much about women and shaving, but he could recognize a razor cut. He suddenly wondered whether the silent string of words that had poured from her mouth outside might not have been curse words, after all.

What struck him most, though, was the smattering of blisters on her heel and the side of her foot. They were large and an angry red. A look confirmed that there were several blisters on her other foot as well. “Sister, how could you walk with those?” he whispered, and stroked the skin around them.

“They’re because of my new shoes. I should never have taken them. They were uncomfortable from the start, but I thought I’d break them in if I kept walking,” she explained, and sighed. “Just an ordinary case of hubris, doctor.”

Was it? It seemed to him that it was more a case of her trying not to break her vow of poverty. Patrick looked at her shoes. They might have been new, but he could see they were cheap. He wondered whether they were even the right size. He suddenly understood how it could that Sister Bernadette, who was always so careful and precise, had fallen down the steps. It was more miraculous that she hadn’t done so sooner, her feet looking like that.

Patrick took some bandages from his case and started wrapping her foot. “This won’t do, Sister, it won’t do at all,” he said. “You’re going to need new shoes as soon as you can walk again, because we can’t risk you hurting yourself like this another time. I won’t allow it.” He couldn’t help that emotion bled into his voice. “This time it’s a sprained ankle, but it could have been a lot worse. You could have broken your wrist, or your arm, or hit your head…” That didn’t bear thinking about. His throat felt thick and his eyes burned.

“I’m sorry,” she stammered.

He sighed and brushed her foot with his fingertips. He had nearly wrapped her entire ankle; only a small part of skin on the lateral malleolus* was still bare. Patrick couldn’t help himself. He placed a quick kiss on the exposed bit of flesh, marvelling at how soft her skin was. It was a bit of information he would try to forget, but knew he could not; it would be stored deep into his heart, trying to fill the longing of a soul that ached for its mate. He instantly regretted his impetuous action, but couldn’t take it back. He quickly bandaged the rest of her foot, but that only trapped the kiss against her skin and the white fabric.

“There, all done,” Patrick said. He didn’t dare to look her in the face. She had such expressive eyes, and he feared what he would read there. He should never have taken such liberties with her, but how to make it up to her? What if he apologised and she hadn’t even noticed?  

“I’ll take you to Nonnatus; there’s no way you can get there yourself.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll make us some tea,” he said, and fled the room in silence.

He just wished that his heart would stop screaming her name with every heartbeat.

 * the bony part on the outside of the foot; the knobbly part of the ankle that faces outside

[badwhalenikki]

I was tagged by the cutie: @lunacy13

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: Daddy ((My dad in southcarolina)) 3. Text message: From Iggy: Happy Birthday!   4. Song you listened to: Silence (Dj Tiesto) 5. Time you cried: 2 days ago think about how i’d spend my bday. it was happy tears... didn’t get to spend it the way I like though. I hope it gets better

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Yes 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeaaaahyup 8. Been cheated on: Pretty sure I have been but no proof. 9. Lost someone special: Yes 10. Been depressed: Yes 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yup

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Purple, Red, Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes. 16. Fallen out of love: Not really. 17. Laughed until you cried: It made me fart too. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Mmhmm? 19. Met someone who changed you: Kinda. 20. Found out who your friends are: Yeah 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yes

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 75% 23. Do you have any pets: I’m counting the one at my moms and thomas who idk where he is so 4 cats 2 dogs 24. Do you want to change your name: Not really. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: that’s today so I have cleaned, got freaky, written, now going out to eat here soon. 26. What time did you wake up: 10 am almost 11 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Writing fanfic 28. Name something you can’t wait for: TO FINISH MY FUCKING BOOKS and VLD, SU, SVTFOE, RWBY... 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: yesterday. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: the way my mom has treated me. 31. What are you listening right now: the same song... its long 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My job and over stimulation. 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr.

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Tons 36. Mark/s: Tons 37. Childhood dream: Vet and Queen of the world. 38. Haircolor: Brown 39. Long or short hair: Short  40. Do you have a crush on someone: My husband and my amazing friends. 41. What do you like about yourself: My legs my eyes and I am just a cuttie. 42. Piercings: Ears cat wear earrings though I am allergic to most of the stuff. 43. Bloodtype: O positive 44. Nickname: Nikki, Nico, Puta fine, Bubbles, Jerky. 45. Relationship status: Almost married but I am still too broke 46. Zodiac: Cancer 47. Pronouns: She/Her ((But I really don’t care what you call me)) 48. Favorite TV Show: Don’t really have one? Uh.... Youtube show count? Philip Defranco 49. Tattoos: 2 ankle and back both of hummingbirds. 50. Right or left hand: Righty 51. Surgery: on my eye to remove a cyst. I don’t count it cause I was awake though 52. Hair dyed in different color: Bottom part was red for a while. 53. Sport: I like playing tennis and volleyball and Larp. 54. (question wasn’t here) SO BOOBS 55. Vacation:  I went to the Bahamas once.. 56. Pair of trainers: I am assuming underwear then Pair

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Sushi applesauce tacos 58. Drinking: water and sprite and TEA 59. I’m about to: Write 62. Want: TO FUCKING WRITE AND FINISH MY FUCKING BOOK. 63. Get married: soon is we stop being broke bitches 64. Career: Writing i wanna write

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs=cuddles and cuddles are good. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: i swoon over taller people in general but Idc I just find it attractive you can get shit I can’t 68. Older or younger: my age but younger learn faster so VIVA LA YOUNG PEOPLE MAKE OUR WORLD BETTER 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I foam at the mouth over arms. but bellys are nice too 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive with the ability to get loud. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationships are nice but there is an appeal to hook-ups but I for sure need some sort of relationships 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Both, both is good.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: Yes 75. Drank hard liquor: Aye 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Yes, too many times. 77. Turned someone down: YUP 78. Sex on the first date: Yes. 79. Broken someone’s heart: Hai. 80. Had your heart broken: Oui. 81. Been arrested: no. 82. Cried when someone died: Sobbed. 83. Fallen for a friend: Thats how I ended up with this asshole I am marring 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Yeah but i am fickle 85. Miracles: umm... Kinda 86. Love at first sight: Lust... That’s Lust 87. Santa Claus: Iie 88. Kiss on the first date: If its there go for it

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: GIo, Jonny. (IRL) Veggie and Luna (OL) 91. Eyecolor: Brown 92. Favorite movie: Donnie darko? I don’t really have a fave.

[lebensfreud-blog]

I was tagged by: @loonathemoon​

I am tagging: @ghost-grantaire​, @nancyhas2boyfriends​, @trollaxine​, @thewillowsilver​, @learningjapanese​ (you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to)

LAST: drink - water call - my parents song i listened to - Pretty boy by Young Galaxy

HAVE YOU EVER: dated someone twice - nope been cheated on - nah kissed someone and regretted it - sadly my first kiss cause it was with a boy I didn’t even like (I hated him but yeah alcohol) lost someone special - sadly yes been depressed - no I don’t think so been drunk and thrown up - well yes, i think 5 or even more 

IN THE PAST YEAR, HAVE YOU? made a new friend - yes  fallen out of love - no, I still love her laughed until you cried - of course met someone who changed you - yes :D found out who your true friends are - mh well I found out who isn’t my true friend... found out someone was talking about you - yes and they were praising me so definitely no hard feelings xD

GENERAL: how many people on tumblr do you know in real life? - 8? wow that’s more than I thought :O  do you have any pets? - no :(( do you want to change your name? - yes and no time you woke up this morning - 6:30ish what were you doing last night? - *smirks* name something you cannot wait for - seeing my krutiepie again have you ever talked to a person named Tom? - yes and no thank u what’s getting on your nerves right now? - job applications nickname - Juu/Ju/Yuu zodiac sign - Sagittarius pronouns - they/them... well she/her, he/him are alright too fave tv show - shadowhunters at the moment college - in change hair colour - green  do you have a crush on someone? - damn YES and he has a crush back, SO DOPE AS FUCK what do you like about yourself? -  my hair, my good looks (hehe), i love how I sometimes am very unemotional/levelheaded, my sense of justice  righty or lefty? - both but more righty

FIRSTS: surgery - my foot, I had an accident when I was like 10 and broke my ankle, they had to put in metal to fix it piercing - ears, got them when I was in kindergarden best friend - my brother (does he count?) we did so much together when I was still living at home/younger vacation - Italy with my fam pair of sneakers - they don’t sneak so why are they called sneakers (-Matt Daddario)

RANDOM: eating - just had Tyrolean spinach dumplings with mushrooms (thanks for writing that @loonathemoon) i’m about to - write more FUCKINg applications URGH listening to - Young Galaxy  want kids - probably yes get married - maybe career - who fucking knows - not me

WHICH IS BETTER: lips or eyes - lips hugs or kisses - hugs shorter or taller - both older or younger - older i guess? romantic or spontaneous - spontaneous sensitive or loud - sensitive hookup or relationship - relationship trouble-maker or hesitant - hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: kissed a stranger - haha yep drank hard liquor - yes lost glasses or contacts - never sex on the first date - maybe? broken someone’s heart - yes :/ been arrested - nah turned someone down - yah and I still feel a bit wrecked bc she’s a good friend fallen for a friend - *side-eyes myself* yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: yourself - yes miracles - nah love at first sight - mh heaven - no

[tuantasticchewbacca]

85 Truths Tag  I don't do this kind of stuff but @jarlgogh​ you’re too cute :3 Also sorry it literally took me like ages to reply but I was running around like a headless chicken for the whole weekend, I’m here now though :)))).

I tag: @notsoguiltykpop​ cause you’re my wife, and @imahoeforyoongi​ cause you’re my only other friend here so lol, and the rest of the 18 tags can go to whoever wants to do its actually pretty fun to do ^^

Alrighty so here it comes... Last

1. drink - TEA (I'm pretty sure I’m addicted)

2. phone call - uuuuuuuuhhhhhh to my mum

3. text message - my mum, again... lol telling her that I won’t be recording my friends in college today cause one of the lads sprained his ankle...

4. song you listened to - Bailando by Enrique Iglesias.... I know it’s only by now, but my my it’s beat is too good

5. time you cried - Eh... last week? Lot of things were happening and I was feeling really self-conscious and I somehow ended up texting this guy that I clearly have no feelings for, and he asked if “I was okay”, lkjsadhgr boi no

Ever

6. dated anyone twice- the question should be have I ever DATED... lmao cause nope

7. kissed someone then regretted it - again I am a relationship virgin I don’t know how do any of that stuff

8. been cheated on - nope

9. lost someone special - nope

10. been depressed - I’m like a werewolf, I get depressed every full moon.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - alcohol virgin here too....

Fave Colours

12. red

13. blue

14. black

In the last year have you

15. made new friends - Yep, I’ve been to a few social events where I managed to befriend some people so wowie well done me :)

16. fallen out of love - In progress. I just wanna get over the guy, ya feel?

17. laughed until you cried - Oh for defo.

18. found out someone was talking about you - Yep... found it very intriguing tbh

19. met someone who changed you - Kind of? I think for the better but who knows...

20. found out who your true friends are - first you need to have more than one friend.... lol 

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - Nope. 

General

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - All of them, I have this strict rule of just accepting people that I know irl, and if we fall out I will unfriend.

23. do you have any pets - Noooooooooo.... *sob* but I’m working on this cat that keeps on coming over to my house.... 

24. do you want to change your name - asdfghjkl YES I hate it, I’m currently working on having people call me by my nickname that I came up with with my friend, it’s a work in progress

25. what did you do for your last birthday - I don’t celebrate birthdays so I probably drank tea and slept cause lol I'm so wild

26. what time did you wake up today - Like 5am? but then I realised it’s not worth it and forced myself back to sleep

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - probably chilling with my mum in the living room...

28. what is something you cant wait for - Finishing college! Having an actual job! Getting a dog! 

30. what are you listening to right now - my dad clicking away on his laptop and muttering to himself

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - Yes. I knew a Tom but he moved now to a different country... hope you doing well bro!

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - my tendency to procrastinate, I can like physically feel the time ticking away but I’d still be playing 2048 on my phone... and people coughing without covering their mouths like WHAT KIND OF A PEASANT-

33. most visited website - Youtube.

34. hair colour - Dark brown, with a strip of cherry but you can't really see it cause my hair is so dark... (mum and I were feeling spontaneous one night)

35. long or short hair - shoulder length? but I just cut it recently, I literally had it like down to my hips...

36. do you have a crush on someone - Unfortunately 

37. what do you like about yourself - MY EYES- they’re like light brown, but in sunlight they become gold and I think it’s really pretty, EYELASHES- natural curl yo! and HAIR- we get on very well

38. want any piercings? - Yeeeeaaaaahhh... like I see myself with a tongue piercing but would never actually get one. But I am thinking of getting a helix piercing...

39. blood type - lol, who knows

40. nicknames - Marty, I’ve been called “midget” as well... yeeep that’s all

41. relationship status - single and reADY TO BINGO

42. zodiac - Scorpio

43. pronouns - a she/her

44. fave tv shows - I’m into few things at the time so bare with me... - Once Upon a Time, Riverdale (yes I’m one of those), Friends, White Collar, Gotham, The Good Place, Chuck

45. tattoos - iNone

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery - Yeh, I was swinging on a swing (that was broken, it had no board to sit on or anything so there were just these three metal bars going across), then stood up on it while it was still swinging and I ended up falling with one of the bars ending up right between my legs... and well... I needed stitches..... (note that I was like 4 or 5 at the time okaYYYYY)

48. piercings - just in ears

49. sport - none, I used to play basketball a little and soccer but yeah... I dance a little though... does that count?

50. vacation - I love travelling if only I had more $$$$$ (planing on going to Iceland tho)

51. trainers - I literally wear any kind of shoe’s as long as I like how they look like 

More General

52. eating - if I could I’d eat pizza 24/7, but nothing rn

53. drinking - tea 24/7 but nothing rn, not... sure why... hold on...

                      Yep tea.

54. i’m about to watch - some DAN and PHIL cause I’m a hoe for them

55. waiting for - me to finish this cause I still got some college work to do, but I’ve been putting this off for so long that I’m disgusted with myself... hehe....

56. want - A dog... a boyfriend would be nice, but a dog would be more convenient 

57. get married - probably someday, not really into the whole marriage thing at the time, some of my friends just got engaged lately and I’m here like... why would you???

58. career - none, currently in college studying animation so hopefully would end up with something in that direction, if it fails I’ll probably go for hairdressing

Which is Better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs 

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - both? as a member of the SHORT Clan I am very much aware of the numerous advantages us quick-ending-limbs people have, but at the same time being tall must be very nice

62. older or younger - older

63. nice arms or stomach - arms

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant (pls just don’t have me decide things cause just no.)

Have You Ever

66. kissed a stranger - nope

67. drank hard liquor - I think so??? Like I’m pretty sure I did I’m just not aware of the alcoholic stuff but like 95% positive 

68. lost glasses - Nope

69. turned someone down - Oh I did... 

70. sex on first date - nope, what is a date? ...I’m so lonely lmao

71. broken someone’s heart - nope

72. had your heart broken - Nope

73. been arrested - nope

74. cried when someone died - Yep, Jonghyun got me bad... but also... would crying over my guinea pig count?

75. fallen for a friend - you see the thing is I’m pretty sure we’re friends but like... I don’t even know what we are??????? so maybe?????? 

Do you believe in

76. yourself - happens every other day, so yeah sometimes 

77. miracles - not the ones happening these days I don’t

78. love at first sight - I mean, yeah sure, why not, I like being optimistic 

79. santa claus - nope

80. kiss on a first date - Um... I’m not really sure how the whole dating thing works so I feel like I shouldn’t answer cause I wouldn’t know???

81. angels - yep, but I don’t believe there’s like guardian angels and all that

Other

82. best friend’s name - Lidzilla (that’s the nickname I gave her on messenger lol)

83. eye colour - like light brown, but with bits of greyish in them too

84. fave movie - can I mention more than one? cause there’s plenty...The Proposal, LOTR and The Hobbit movies I’d die for, throw in Star Wars... and Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one ;) )

85. fave actor - oh geez... probably Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Chris Pratt and I’m growing soft for Emma Stone, ANGELINA JOLIE will forever be my role model tho

[ltjlily17]

2XP for killing that robot

Where was the last place you drove to? I went to Meijer and then Trader Joe’s today for groceries. What is your favorite move franchise? Can I choose the entire MCU?  What was the last fast food you ate? Fun Dip. Before that, baked brie and some salami. I’ve had a weird food day. What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio. I’m not really into that stuff, though. Do you think you’re a good dancer? Nooooooo. But I like to do it.

What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Hmmm. The Green Mile, maybe? I know I cried while reading it.

How old will you be this time next year? 36. What subject do you think you are best at? No idea. Can the internet be a subject? Do you prefer heroes or villains? Heroes, I suppose. I couldn’t quickly think of a villain from like a movie I rooted for. What is something you think is overrated? Most everything, except for pizza. What political cause are you most passionate about? Not re-electing Trump. Healthcare and climate change coming in after. What country would you most like to visit? Italy. Really, anywhere in Europe would be fine. What is the worst job you’ve ever had? Ugh, my last one. I was a project manager for one of the largest retailers in the US, and it was the worst experience of my life. Catty, high school type drama everywhere. Who was your best friend as a child? Traci and Jen. I’m no longer in contact with either. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do? Hmmm. I don’t know. Not sure that I’ve ever been in such a situation?  Have you ever considered having children? Ha ha, yes considered. Husband has baby fever, so we have been talking about it a lot.  If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? In Girl Scouts, we spent the night at the zoo once and that was awesome.  Do you have any weird family traditions? I’d go as far as to say that my family has no traditions.  Have you ever considered acting? I was in a couple of plays with the childrens theatre in my hometown, but it was like if you sign up, you’re in, not like I got the part by being decent. I don’t think acting was my thing lol. Who was the last person you slept next to? The hub.

Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? Possibly? Nothing I could ever do, or even consider. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? Netflix and Spotify. Disney+ tomorrow. Do you consider yourself a crafty person? Yah, I think so. I love to make things out of paper. What is your ideal weather? Wearing a hoodie comfortably. Cloudy. Have you ever been in a physical fight? When I was younger, the twin neighbor boys used to beat me up lol. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I’m not really easily embarassed. My husband has some videos of random stuff but again, nothing I’m worried about.

Did you ever get lost as a child? I don’t think so. I’ve always been very aware. What is your favorite condiment? Ranch. On a scale of 1-10, how attractive do you think you are? Um, 5? Do you prefer horror or romance movies? Horror. What was the last film you saw in theaters? IT. Unsure how I feel about it. IT is one of my favorite books.

Have you ever been to a concert? Lots. Probably well over a hundred. I saw my favorite band from my teens and early 20s about 18 times, let alone all the other artists I’ve seen. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Yah. Every 5 years or so, ha ha. Where is the farthest from home you’ve traveled? Jamaica, I think. Do you like country music? Not really. I don’t listen to any modern country, but I used to have friends that listened to country when I was younger and there were some songs I liked then. Can you play any instruments? Not well. I can make my way with a violin or guitar, but no one would really want to hear it. What color are your eyes? Green. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Blue. What is your favorite kind of flower? I like Peonies, Ranunculus and Cabbage Roses. Have you ever had your heart broken before? Sure have. Once, it triggered the aforementioned existential crisis. What town were you born in? Dayton, Ohio.

Do you believe you had a good childhood? I made the best of it. Learned and grew up quickly because of it. What was the last dream you had? Something about a movie set. I can’t remember well now. Do you know how to play any card games? Euchre comes to mind first.  Have you ever taken a taxi before? Yes, the first time I went to NYC were the days before Uber. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Seeing my friends everyday. What are you currently most looking forward to? Hmmm. Unsure. My future is somewhat up in the air at the moment. Maybe I’ll get a job, maybe I’ll wait til the new year ha ha ha. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? I did. Those were pretty good days. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? My So-Called Life. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? Nah. There are a lot of songs that meant a lot to me when I was younger that just seem very trivial to me now, though. Have you ever saved someone’s life? No idea. Hopefully, no one I know has needed me to, but if they did, hope I was there. Do you tend to sleep well at night? No. Never have. I’m just not cut out to not be nocturnal. What do you believe is your weirdest habit? Hmm. I get like crazy consumed with something and have to learn everything about it I can find on the internet and then eventually I feel like I’ve learned all there is and I move on. Sometimes its a couple of days, sometimes a week, and I think I’ve been into some stuff for months like that. It doesn’t like disturb my life, though, just my free time I guess. And I tell my friends about a plane crash every time I talk to them for like weeks and they are probably annoyed lol. When was the last time you were sick? Hmm. I was gluten sick twice this year. I think thats it. What color are your parents’ eyes? Hazel. Do you have any credit cards? Yes. I play the credit game so as to have a high score. Have you ever broken any major bones? Not major. Just ankles and feet. Have you ever had a surgery before? Ankle surgery. I messed up my cartilage- among other things- and had to have it fixed. Are you ever afraid people will just stop talking to you one day? No. I am randomly sure that everyone hates me fairly often though. Anxiety at its finest.

Can you tell me the last deep thought you had? Um, no idea. I just watched Cinderella, so not really in the deep mindset lol. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Sure. Propbably lots of them. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? Nope. What is the best movie you’ve seen this year? Hmmm. I have no idea. I can’t even recall all the movies I’ve seen this year. I think Endgame made the biggest impact, but I wouldn’t recommend that movie to just anyone. Did you ever make straight a’s in school? Nope. I wasn’t really a great student.  What color is the shirt you are currently wearing? Purple.

[thegloober]

Perils of a postpartum pediatrician

During my first pregnancy, I frequently dreamt of my baby. I couldn’t remember the details of facial features or hair color, but I always knew that I was going to have a girl.

Three years passed after Claire was born, two more heartbeats were identified and then lost somewhere deep within my abdomen. On two occasions, I watched blood seep from my body and stain my clothing, realizing that I didn’t know if it was my blood or my baby’s. I watched our blood ripple into concentric circles as it dripped into the toilet.

I clung to the fact that I had a healthy beautiful toddler. I rocked her to sleep each night and sang to her long past the time when her body grew slack in my arms, and her breathing became slow and regular. “So sleep tight baby, unfurrow your brow and know I love you. We’re alright for now, we’re alright for now.”

Months went by with their clockwork crimson verification that I was still not pregnant. Bloodwork obtained after the second miscarriage revealed a clotting disorder of questionable significance. I was straddling the fertility precipice of my 35th birthday. I second-guessed my decision to pursue a career in medicine, delaying marriage until age 29. I cursed the slow wheels of evolution, irritated that our bodies are still prime to reproduce in our teens and 20s even though emotionally and financially we are better off in our 30s and 40s.

After nearly a year, I discovered that I was pregnant in the Target bathroom. I saw a high-risk OB/Gyn and was labeled an elderly multigravida. I injected anticoagulants into the soft flesh of my belly twice a day, just to be safe. I delivered a perfect baby boy at 38 weeks.

Charlie was perfect until the evening when I noticed that he had the mildest of retractions, causing his chest to suck in right below his ribcage with every breath. I snuck a stethoscope out of my bag and listened to Charlie’s heartbeat. It was way too fast for a sleeping infant. I repeatedly calculated the horrifying sum of 200 beats per minute.

I packed a bag to take to the ED, certain that we would be admitted to the PICU with a life-threatening congenital heart defect. I was already envisioning Charlie’s inevitable first open-heart surgery.

But when we got to the ED, the triage nurse looked at my seemingly healthy baby and seemed perplexed. I had to sheepishly explain that I had broken a cardinal rule of physician parenthood — listening to one’s own child’s heart. But my embarrassment was no match for my terrified conviction. She counted his pulse for 10, maybe 20 measly seconds. “It’s normal,” she chirped.

Once in the exam room, I was dismayed to see one of the newest ED attendings making his way toward us. He glibly stated/inquired, “I know that part of my job is to reassure you, so what can I do to make you feel better?”

“Well, can you at least put him on a monitor?” I asked, incredulous that this had not yet been done. Charlie was attached to the cardiorespiratory monitor that confirmed that his heart rate was trucking along at 215. Dangerously close to being textbook SVT. While we sat there, my eyes glued to the monitor, Charlie fussed a little and I started to nurse him. ED Physician was quick to point out that eating was exercise for babies, so of course his heart rate would be high!

After he left again, I watched as the number on the monitor gradually went down to the 170s over the next 30 minutes. When he returned, I curtly stated, “I’m reassured that he does not have anything immediately life-threatening,” so we were given our discharge papers. Over the next couple of days, Charlie’s heart rhythm, structure, and function were carefully evaluated and pronounced normal.

Within days, though, I felt Charlie’s foot twitch rhythmically while I held his ankles during a diaper change. I quickly tried to reproduce the twitching by bending his foot back at the ankle, a maneuver to check for clonus. Sure enough, I could get his tiny feet to twitch five, ten —, sometimes even 15 — times in a row. Clonus is a pathologic neurologic finding in older humans, but I was desperate for reassurance that it could be normal in infants.

So I broke another fundamental rule, fully aware of the Pandora’s box I was opening, by performing a Google search. Not even a medically sophisticated one. I found an article that correlated the number of clonus beats with abnormal neurologic outcomes. I was devastated by this article and its implication that my son had a high likelihood of pathology. I spent weeks of my maternity leave obsessively checking him for clonus hundreds of times per day.

I slept on the living room couch next to his bassinet. Every time he stirred, the noise from the plastic mattress cover woke me up. I was analyzing Charlie’s every move, certain that his jerky baby movements portended an ultimate diagnosis that would break my heart. I poured out my observations to my husband who tried to reassure me that we would love Charlie no matter what. I called my mom and begged her to pray for Charlie and me. I stood sobbing on the front porch, repeating my pleas over and over because she couldn’t understand my anguished, distorted words.

I held Charlie for hours that winter as we watched the Oscar contenders. Toward the end of my maternity leave, I mustered enough insight to call my obstetrician, to meet with a counselor and to start a lactation-friendly SSRI. I know I love Charlie, and we’re alright for now. But I wish I could have fully immersed myself in those heady hours and days of his fleeting infancy. I worry about how my worry may have impacted him, that tiny vulnerable creature who bore the brunt of my scrutiny.

Lisa Sieczkowski is a pediatrician. 

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

The post Perils of a postpartum pediatrician was shared from BlogHyped.com.

Source: https://bloghyped.com/perils-of-a-postpartum-pediatrician/

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

                                  Bang Yerin, who is known by no other name;                                                  a 21 year old daughter of Acat.                                               She is a tattoo artist at Taste of Ink.

FC NAME/GROUP: Son Naeun, APINK CHARACTER NAME: Bang Yerin AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: Twenty One (21) // April 19, 1996 PLACE OF BIRTH: Los Angeles, California; US. OCCUPATION: Tattoo artist at Taste of Ink HEIGHT: 174 cm // 5’ 7’’ ft DEFINING FEATURES: The first tattoo she got was on her left shoulder blade. It was a tattoo in honor of her mother and it reads, “My mother is the heart that keeps me alive”. This tattoo is also accompanied by some stars; (♛).  Second tattoo she ever got was another phrase, this one is under her right breast and it takes the form of it (meaning it’s like this type of tattoo). It reads, “I was not built to break”; (♛). Up until she was nineteen she only had her standard lobes pierced, but she pierced her upper lobe in both ears. In the exact year, before she turned twenty, she got a helix piercing on her right ear; (♛). Another tattoo she got that was related to her mother was a lavender stalk tattoo close to her left ankle; (♛). She has a tattoo behind her right ear of the moon in its crescent phase; (♛). On the ring finger of her right hand she got a tattoo of an anchor on it; (♛). The same day she got her anchor tattoo, she got the Aries constellation tattoo on her left forearm; (♛). Behind her left ear she has a flower tattoo; (♛). The latest tattoo she got was in early April of this year. She got an arrow tattooed on the side of her forearm; on her right arm; (♛).

PERSONALITY: ✔ ; Independent, generous, enthusiastic, courageous and enterprising. ✖ ; Moody, hot-headed, impulsive, laid back and intolerant.

Yerin is, above all, independent. For years she has been taking care of herself and others. When a situation occurs she doesn’t seek for the help of others but instead finds a solution by herself. Active and protective. She is always on the move, always active. Unlike many she doesn’t stop or halt due to a situation or change, she is always ready to take a challenge. Her protective nature makes her stand out of others. She uses her voice to speak for herself and others. When those in disadvantage need help, Yerin is the first to speak up. Without thinking twice she helps and protects those in need and doesn’t ask for anything in return. Courageous and enthusiastic. While others are drowned in fear, she takes up the situation. Adrenaline is something she enjoys therefor what most find repulsive or terrifying, she enjoys.

This demigod is extremely laid back and that ought to be her weakness. Although she’s always active and moving, her attitude and seriousness fades. She can be reckless sometimes. While most are telling her of the consequences and problems a decision could bring she is still holding on. Stubborn and impulsive. Her mouth sometimes is too ahead of herself. She speaks her opinion even in the worst situations, not giving a damn if people end up not liking her for it. Yerin considers the value of honesty very dear. Her mood can sometimes change, in a way she can be seen as unpredictable. She isn’t an asshole or arrogant but her mood swings and impulsiveness can make her seem like a bitch. Intolerant. Although she’s caring and protective, she likes to set things straights. Yerin has no tolerance to discriminating ideals. Of course this trait doesn’t overdue her carelessness.

HISTORY: Busy streets buzz as the young girl walks hand-in-hand with her mother. Her eyes try to take in everything there is, every vibrant color, every building, every stall. People walk and bump into her mother, her body doesn’t falter and instead keeps heading to their destination. School. With a teacher for a mother school was a place Yerin spent most of her days in. Their hallways seemed too big for her, the people didn’t seem as happy as they should be. Young and eager the girl wanted to act like the students her mother taught. She sat like them and tried to paid attention to the lessons but the words were too complicated for a young child. The small toddler always ended up napping in a corner of the classroom.

As she grew the streets stopped being so overwhelming and started encouraging her. Her wide eyes never stopped finding something new. There was so much to love, to learn and explore in Los Angeles. Her mother kept holding her hand, scared to lose her child in the crowd but Yerin turned around and danced within it. Not afraid of being taken away, from a young age she wasn’t preoccupied. She found joy in the chaos. Her eagerness was something that concerned her mother however she said nothing, not wanting to burst the bubble her child was in. Years passed with the same habits. The daughter of the single mother started becoming more daring. For a child she was troublesome, however, her mother didn’t complain. She loved her with every ounce of her being.

Once she reached the age of four she started school. After being in kindergarten the girl was very excited to start again. She was a creative girl. Her hands were always creating something, whether it were drawings or sketches. With this next phase of her life came more routines. She was as troublesome as ever. Bouncing on chairs, talking too loudly, napping when she shouldn’t. Her mother, a young woman named Seonah, was getting complaints here and there of her daughter’s behavior. As a teacher herself she knew how infuriating a student like Yerin could be and tried to teach the girl. To teach her manners, to be quiet, attentive. The next few years at school were her best ones, she started to behave, wasn’t as loud or obnoxious.

However, things never stay the same. Life is a constant battle of changes and with Yerin it’s no different. With middle school came problems. People whispered things about her mother, they called her names and pointed her out. At first she ignored them, the young girl was still loud and bright. Weeks passed and the comments made towards her mother, a teacher in the school she was in, continued. Someone walked towards her and insulted Seonah. That was when the young girl snapped, she yelled, fought, punched. Her mother wasn’t meant to be disrespected. Her mother was a goddess, no friend or classmate of hers was allowed to insult her. The young girl was called in the principal office and her mother decided to change her of schools, not wanting to lose her job.

With a new school came better friends. The wide eyed girl used her creativity to get away with pranks, to torment classmates and share a laugh with others. Most of them were fun and harmless but there were others that crossed the line. Her mother was yet again called into the principal office. Teachers complained about her behavior, about how she didn’t pay attention, wasn’t quiet, never did well in exams. They said her potential was rotting away with her foolish ways. Seonah disagreed. The girl wasn’t the best student, she got easily bored and had straight Cs. However, when it came for projects she had brilliant ideas and stood out from the rest. She wasn’t afraid of failing if it meant they tried something new.

Their life continued with a young, reckless and blunt Yerin and a loving mother. Seonah showered her daughter with all the love she could mastered. They grew to be a team. Always together, helping each other. Their mother and daughter relationship was similar to one of best friends. Trusts and honesty were the base of their relationship. Even if the demigod didn’t had a lot of friends, her mother was there to support her and that was enough. Her mother wasn’t closed minded, she loved everything Yerin was and wanted to be.

An accident in the year 2010 set them back. Seonah’s father, Yerin’s grandfather, fell and had to undergo a surgery. With him being in South Korea and them in the States a lot of problems formed. It was then her mother took the decision to go back to her hometown, to take care of her father. The change was difficult. Many problems surfaced with the sudden move. Yerin, although she knew part of the language, grew confused with the customs. Her mannerism weren’t fit for the one in this new country, her blunt ways were seen as disrespectful and such she ended up in trouble, again, in the new school.

While her mother adapted in a new job and her grandfather stayed in the hospital, Yerin faced many issues at school. She kept getting into arguments, and fights, and at the end of her first month the principal asked for her mother for a meeting. The problems she was causing were out of the line, if she stayed like that she wouldn’t last another week at the school. Seonah, restless with everything going on, didn’t know what to do. It was then that they received a letter from a place called Mount Phoenix. The letter spoke about a safe place, about incredible opportunities. Her mother knowing what the letter meant decided to send Yerin to the city.

However, the girl couldn’t leave without knowing the truth. It was then that everything was revealed. Yerin’s father wasn’t a mortal, he wasn’t normal. He was a god. Acat, her mother called him. And she was the result of their short-lived love. A demigod. These words were new to the girl, foreign. At first she thought her mother had lost it but once she arrived in the city she discovered a new world. People with extraordinary abilities roamed the streets. Gods and demigods alike. Shapeshifters. People that could see the dead, that could manipulate plants or air. Mount Phoenix was a whole new finding for the young fourteen year old girl.

At first her visit was to check out the place but as weeks passed and the Council urged Seonah to let her daughter stay, a hasty decision took place. Yerin liked the place enough to not complain about her mother’s recommendation, she decided that she could give it a try. They had a school that she could attend, get the education her mother her to have. She could get a job when she got older. Making friends wasn’t as difficult as before. She wasn’t the only hot-headed teenager in the island. Staying in Mount Phoenix proved to be the best decision she took.

With time the city became a home to her. Their busy streets reminded her of her time in Los Angeles. Their surroundings were enough to keep her interested. And while she does travel often, to visit her mother and for her small adventures, she loves the place. The city with its infinite possibilities. With danger lingering around. Although she continues to be a hassle for some gods (and the police department), she wouldn’t change it for the world. She’s content with where she is and doesn’t plan on moving out anytime soon.

PANTHEON: Mayan CHILD OF: Acat POWERS: As the daughter of the god of tattoos and scarification, Yerin has some special abilities. She has impeccable tolerance to pain, the girl barely feels any pain at all (physically). This makes her able to get various tattoos or piercings at once. The demigod has an amazing artistic ability. She can draw, paint, sculpt, etc, with ease. Her artistic ability makes her a great tattoo artists but she also stands out because of her steady nerves. Her hands don’t flinch or shake when she’s doing something. Because of this she doesn’t make mistakes when she’s tattooing someone, and if she does, well she meant to do it.

STRENGTHS: Leader. Yerin is a leader not a follower, she makes her own path instead of following others. She’s not afraid to take the lead in uncomfortable situations. Determined. Once she puts her mind into it she can work really hard for it. Athletic. Her energy is always making her move, she’s active by nature therefor she can be damn amazing in terms of sports.

WEAKNESSES: Troublesome. In a way, she can be the kid your parents warned you about. As a result of her carelessness she can often bring other trouble. Unapproachable. Or at least she seems like it, at first she may feel cold or too fastidious but once you spend a little more time with her you’ll see she’s anything but that. Self-obsessed. Her ‘I will do it’ attitude can lead her to many uncomfortable experiences; usually says no to help because ‘she can do it by herself’.