#i live in the 'good part' of my city
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i think what i dont remember of my childhood is a lot worse than i assumed
#not in terms of how i was treated because i know how that was#but in terms of what i saw in my everyday life#i live in the 'good part' of my city#not the rich or most populated part hell i think its the most vacant part of the city besides the parts that are on the outskirts#but the one where the good people ran off or got scammed into#where the houses are shitty patchworks yet everyone has a good heart#meanwhile where i used to be was the worst part all things considered#right on the most dangerous street according to my mom and aunt in an apartment of problems#all i had was a sweet old couple who made me a ukulele and a old lady in a nearby house for people who were truely good#and even then im likely biased from stories#but everyone else was either not to be talked to seen as actively harmful or good with severe problems#pretty sure addiction was the first consistent thing in my life#or well seeing addicts was#no mater how normal they looked to me there was i good chance i knew how bad their addictions were even if i didnt understand yey#yet*#and now with the added context of how so many addicts in this city are addicts to cope with severe trauma its scary#the first thing i saw consistently was cigarettes and alcohol being used without care#they never hurt me but they hurt themselves and even others around me#might be why im so prone to addiction nowadays..#fuck i wish i fully remembered..
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original thief series basso & garrett :)
ngl, it's about quality over quantity for me. an npc can have a total of three minutes of screen time, but if they have a cool name, they can live rent free in my head and I'll spend several hours trying to decipher drawable features from a blurry screenshot of pixels
there is a vague hint of a story here, and that's because every time I try to play thi4f, I get incredibly frustrated with how Not Fun the game play is. like, is the story good? well. but it has a PLAGUE. that should've given it instant 'I'll replay this once a year' status in my heart, but the game play sucks so bad that I've never finished it. I can't believe Not Fun gameplay beat out my obsession with narrative plagues.
anyway, the idea is basically if the original era had a game with a plague centric narrative and some other stuff I liked out of thi4f thrown into a narrative blender, with a heavy dash of horror thrown in because some parts of the thief games were scarier to me than entire dedicated horror genre games.
⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app
#if i had a laptop and the skillset i would attempt a story mod because the thief modders who create whole mission stories#are GENIUS and also somewhat terrifying. love them! xoxox#anyway im actually kind of obsessed with parts of thi4f but its also like. not at that sweet spot of almost good enough to be fun#to talk about. which. for the record. has not stopped me from talking about it at length to people#the city itself actually fucking fascinates me. its almost alive and im SO mad that not a single part of that game is actually terrifying#it should be gnarlier and instead it feels a bit like it doesn't quite want to be trapped in the story it has to tell?#but between the level that has the bodies on the meathooks#and the scene with the bodies hanging from the rafters or whatever that was and garrett living in a clock tower#because the game is very much ALMOST about changing times and authoritarian violence and capitalism#(like. by virtue of how the story sort of spins out i think it misses it's mark on a lot of stuff here#in the sense that i dont feel like it actually wants to tell that story. it wants to. go in a different direction. or at least walk on top#of those themes instead of through it)#ANYWAY between all of those things. it does kind of live in my head rent free. they did create a compelling setting#SHAME THEY DIDNT WANT TO ACTUALLY EAT ANY OF IT#unrelated but i would've given thi4f a 10/10 if they kept garrett's fucking nail polish from the concept art. cowards. unforgivable#thief the dark project#i still have no idea how to tag the game series as a whole RIP#sorry for the dedicated dark project fans. if you know what the general series tag is. please let me know#garrett thief#basso thief
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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next month me and my grandma are going to visit my godfather who lives in Spain, but instead of being excited (it's gonna be my second time abroad in my life) I'm anxious af, because even though I'm an adult I live with my parents and I need to tell my father about it. normal parents would - y'know - be happy that their children have opportunity to visit another country, but instead he's gonna be insufferable about it, because it's my mom's side of family and he despises my uncle. but what is he gonna do? kick me out of the house even though he promised that as long as I'm studying or working I don't need to worry about such thing, humiliate me as usual, tell me that I'm childish and spoiled or make my mom's life a living hell again? I'm aware of the fact that the longer I'm putting it off the worse his reaction is gonna be, but I'm just not mentally able to tell him that, because I don't know how he will react. I don't need any money from him, I don't have to use my phone during this trip (I dunno how the roaming and stuff work), I just want to be sure he's gonna behave like a proper human being towards my mom and my siblings when I won't be at home and not act like a total asshole while talking with me about it.
#i know that at my age i should be more mature and handle such situations better but as long as he's the way he is it's impossible#why can't both my parents be normal#and the fact that i wasn't able to get any summer job this year isn't making it any better because i know it's gonna be one of his argument#(czaicie to że nawet do żabki mnie nie chcieli. dosłownie emotional i brain damage)#'you didn't work so from where do you get the money for that'#don't worry definitely not from you because you can't even pay for my monthly train ticket to college#and at the same time have the audacity to call me dumb for commuting there instead of living in that city#while knowing that neither me nor mom can afford renting anything without your help#(okay i'm a bit exaggerating in my mom's case but she earns much less than him and he still makes problems with literally anything#even buying food even though he's in a very good financial situation and there are times when my mom has to make everything work all alone#because he's getting mad at her out of nowhere and only pays the bills that fortunately aren't that bad in our case)#(and unfortunately the bills include my telephone subscribtion because all of our numbers are in some kind of special offer where you pay#much less for one number when they're registered for one person so it's another problem in this situation because when i offered paying for#mine he refused and probably it'll be his another argument for becoming mad that i dare to spend time with the part of family that cares#about me unlike majority of his relatives)#i hope that at least when academic year starts i'll be able to get any part-time job on the weekends so i can save up more money#although i'm not sure if i'm gonna move out in the nearest future. i mean he's fucking insufferable and toxic but i just can't leave my mom#and especially siblings there even though i can't even fucking protect them from literally anything. at this point i'm just powerless.#there are times when he tries to change for the better but then he starts creating problems on purpose and everything is coming full circle#and the sole thought that my little siblings would tell me that i just ran away from this problem is fucking killing me.#niedziela wieczór i humor niegituwa. zawsze kurwa kurwa coś.#chuj idę słuchać myslovitz#pau.txt
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i absolutely lack the brainpower to put my admiration for this mini arc into words but holy shit this was beautiful.
i love how complex the gods are, the relationships between them are so deeply loving and so broken. their family is prioritized over many things, mortals, promises and other families. even though they hurt each other that family tie is more important than almost everything else. they didn't want to hurt their children but they did it anyway for each other. at the end of the day they will cast aside their children in favor of their kin. the line is between those who matter and those who do not.
#critical role#critical role spoilers#this was definitely worth a 4am wake up to watch im obsessed. will be tuning in for the second rerun too i need to see this again#obsessed with the way ashley and nick lived every part of this story their characters are my absolute favorites#but omg laura as the matron. the way she portrayed her is so good#and tbf im just obsessed with everything they did in this arc from a to z#this is a different kind of heartbreak than exu calamity but a huge heartbreak nonetheless#but it's hilarious how brennan planned a slow rollout for the powers and then bam meteors lmao#also sorry if I don't make sense at all i slept 3 hours before losing my mind over this 6.5 hour episode 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻#anyway i think the moral of the story from Luda's is that they are no different from mortals they don't need gods they are not above mortal#gods are only merciful when they want to be and when it benefits them. otherwise they will smash a flying city into the ground.#god im gonna shut up now i have so many thoughts and NONE of them are coherent anymore
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about half of my apartment is packed up and in a week im going to be living in a new state for the first time in my life. kind of surreal n scary but extremely exciting. this has been in the works for like 8 months now so its incredible to finally be at the precipice of such an awesome life change
#going from living in a shitty part of sacramento to a small city in oregon#and im going from an old shithole apartment to a townhouse on the edge of a nature preserve that was just built like. a year ago#and i get to live with my wife and kevin and my sibling again which is such an ideal support system to have#3 bed 2.5 bath!!! and its HUGE its like 600 more sqft than my current place and theres so many windows#and theres a shower in my ensuite bathroom... :spoiled:#idk its been a lot of work and im extremely grateful to have my parents support as well#bcuz theyre moving with us and like. sold their house n almost everything they own so we can have an easier life out of this state#idk its so exciting but its so crazy!!!!!!!!#i feel so grateful to no longer have to work opposite schedules from my wife n i get to see my family more often. its gonna be really good#MAYBE I CAN EVEN START COLLAGING AGAIN LMFAOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ok, it`s not over yet. Nysa is still in danger. Probably whole city.
#poland#polblr#nysa#flood#I`m scared of my sister#I can`t even take her from there#good side is that she lives on upper part of the city in “blok”
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Me when I start act 3
“Well I guess I better design my next character”
And this is why I have never finished the game
#bg3#baldurs gate 3#baldur's gate 3#baldurs gate iii#ok so my first playthrough I got it here big brain battle in the sky right#so I guess I nearly won#ahh the game down I’ll finish this tomorrow#patch 1 drops and breaks the save#not joking I must have had like… 15 minutes left of the game if that#and I wasn’t that thrilled tbh cuz I became a mindflayer and astarion dumped me#so I was pretty upset this was my good ending and was hoping there was a suicide ending tbh because what was the ping of my character living#they now have no soul and been dumped and became the one thing you tried not to become#yey the city wins but I just lose I guess#and karlach offered to become a mindflayer but only if she eats Orpheus brain#???#girl why is that your stipulation#if you don’t sacrifice Orpheus she just like nah I only wanted to eat his brain#and don’t get me started on the emperor part just not making any fucking sense#so what I know of the ending I’m not thrilled with#might just let Gale blow up tbh
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being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little
#like yea that is a very common basic thing that happens to a lot if not most adults#but also i think i get homesick a bit too easy#when i moved away from home i moved to the closest big city that's only an hour away and i was already deeply familiar with it#but i was so sad despite knowing i personally could never thrive in my hometown#i wanted to experience the big city but it was so scary and it still is and i miss the comforts of my hometown but it's not just me that#has changed#dont get me wrong i wouldnt move back bc i have hobbies and friends and a job and most likely a career in the city i live in#and this truly is a place i don't think i could ever move away from. unless it is to a neighboring city#it's so hard for me to imagine there are people who move not just across the country but a completely different country and they just. adap#i could never. i was visiting my hometown every week for like the first year i lived here#i eventually want to move to a bigger apartment and ive been looking at places already even tho i need to graduate before doing that#and i'm. getting homesick just thinking about moving to a different part of the city.#i like the area i live in. i like the cornerstore and the distance to the closest grocery stores and parks#i like how my grandma used to live in this area when she was around my age#i'm not good with change and i know it but there are several things about moving that make me miserable#like yeah obviously i will move out from my single bedroom apartment when i can and i'll be so happy and it'll be good for me#but despite having lived here for only a bit more than 4 years i'll miss this apartment. i have so many good memories from here and i'll#never be able to visit it again and have it feel the same#but that's the least sad thing imo. i dread being in a different area more lmao#but it's fine i know i'll adapt as long as i don't have to move to a different city ever again gfsahgak#idk ive had a long day and im feeling a bit melancholic#i'll sleep in tomorrow >:3c#leevi talks
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i just finally got a library card and it's amazing, because!! i can just reserve any book i want in the world and take it home and read it?! for free?!!
#i knew this objectivly of course but somehow i'd forgotten because it's been so long since i've been part of a library where i live#i've always just had the library card for the city i grew up in and that's been kind of useless the past few years because i'm only there#in the holidays#anyway i don't know why i didn't think to join my local library before!! i mean i've literally visited it many times but for some reason#i just never got a library card before now. which is so dumb of me because it's so good!!#i've already borrowed like 10 books today. i got my new card and instantly took out an entire bag full with it
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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Its ok maybe if you look up the lyrics to was für ein grausames leben and read them in english you will be okj<3
#[gnawing and biting]#ashjdjgjg i think i don't want to live in vienna after all#i'm by nature an easily depressed person and in some places it's too easy to make your life revolve around dead people and death at large!!#i had a lot of fun on my trip but i also had some terrible times#mostly the part where i was sick#one thing that i think would pose a major issue long term is the insanely narrow opening hours for supermarkets - in germany many stay#open until 10 pm. closest one to my hotel in vienna closed at 7:30 pm...#also i just can't deal with big crowds and tourists in my living environment full time dhhfhfgh i always need to be somewhere away and#voluntarily go into the tourist parts only if i want to#like how in cambridge it was insane in the center but i would walk 30 minutes every morning from by the train tracks :') a nice quiet#residential street and i could shop at the local sainsbury's and only go to the historic city centre when i felt like it and could prepare#so like i have to live in a quiet area but within reasonable distance of (and with good transport to!) a more exciting busy area#but um yeah now i have to awkwardly tell everyone irl that i've been talking about it to that i don't actually want to do it anymore xD#it's ok i still want to live Somewhere Interesting with historical stuff...#if i manage not to have a mental breakdown that is ahshhdjdkf#i like my current town a lot :')
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celebrated my first pride with the loveliest bunch that i met on here while surrounded by the wonderful lgbtqia+ community❣️ so much beauty, love, safety, and talent (and more+++ tbh) all around 🥰🥺
happy happy happy pride!! 🌈🌈🌈
💞 ilysm thank you loves @footy-met-mussy @callouiee @nouis-meltdown
#my heart is so happy! here’s to moreee#filo larrie fam 💖#ri#pride month#so proud to be a part of this 🥺#bc im not out to my fam (only my sister knows) and only the closest friends irl know#felt rly good being there and i felt just warmth and everything#ALSO today the city where i live#just launched a right to care card that authorises queers to make key medical decisions for their partners#sob i hope it becomes nationwide soon#SOGIE EQUALITY NOW!!!!#PASS THE SOGIE BILL!!!
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i'm begging my uni to stop making every fucking student social activity something where you have to walk around a bunch if you are a slow walker who cannot help it they literally want you dead
#i try to walk as fast as i humanly can. which i shouldn't bc it hurts and makes me dizzy. and i'm still slower than everyone else#last week we divided into groups and had to walk to checkpoints around the city to do tasks#i had a friend in my group who knows abt my issues and they walked slower with me which was nice. everyone else walked like 10 20 meters#ahead and it was fucking embarrassing bc for every checkpoint they had to wait for me#and i felt bad my friend couldn't talk to anyone else in the group bc they were zooming way ahead of us and i'm the one who couldn't keep up#and like. they didn't know my body's fucked. but these are people i do not know well at all and maybe i don't wanna disclose my medical#history to everyone i interact with#and like this event wasn't mandatory. i could've skipped it#but it's every fucking time#most nights we end up going to a bar and to these people “walking distance” is like a half an hour. and they walk fast#i can never keep up#i don't reallu enjoy bars either and i don't drink but you just kinda have to endure to socialize. some days i can't handle it tho#this week there's another checkpoint type activity. i know i shouldn't. i know i'm gonna slow everyone down#but i got specifically asked and invited to be a part of a team. i can't remember the last time that happened#also we're doing a group costume and mine includes platform heels on the streets of a very old city i am so cooked#my friend is nice tho. they know the basic lore and check up on me a bunch which always catches me off guard 😭#i'm used to pushing through and also used to people not really taking my shit into consideration so i don't know how to respond sometimes#2 people in the group know the issues and i just sent the gc a “sorry in advance i can't walk very fast” so like what else is there to do#only accessibility info we're ever given is if it's wheelchair accessible. and that's good. like you should do that. but it kinda ends there#like how much walking is there. where are the stops. are there places to sit.#i love having to either push through or be excluded disabilities are awesome#been in soooo much pain lately and have to take breaks walking uphill. functional body#i live in an area where everything. literally everything. is uphill one way or another. so as you can imagine it's going great#also “you have to endure to socialize” as if i don't end up hovering around my friend like a lost puppy with separation anxiety anyway#the group costume is winx club. btw
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falls down
#mine#today was day 2 of job and it seems like a really good deal...the benefits are CRAZY#depending on the healthcare plan i pick i could literally pay $0 a month as my premium#great day to be single with no kids <3#and the PTO is great and they have short term disability insurance which seems like a great option for when i get hysto#other benefits are all awesome and i know theres upward mobility which is really big for me#theres a part of me thats like...well...what if i did this job for a while...got my hysto next year...#saved up...got promoted...#then at some point move out...i was eyeing REDACTED CITY IN MY STATE#as a place to live especially post promotion (assuming i would get one) when i have more $$...#just a good way to sort of start my real adult life and all#but then i have an interview next week with a umm. i think it was a community college#over in another part of the state and then i got an email from a DIFFERENT cc#idk if we can interview because of schedule stuff we'll see. but that job pays GREAT money especially for my age#so im like ummm!!! hello...but i'm also not sure about the location...#i would definitely interview at least once just to get a feel for it#but im like arrrghhhh so much uncertainty...#raaaaggghhh#i've spent all summer saying i just want to skip ahead to the part where i have the job im sticking with#and everything is settled and nice#and it seems we're getting closer to that point but as we get closer i get more and more nervous#URRGH
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my uninformed american opinion is that i will be calling it derry not londonderry because im american and therefore will always support ireland if its ireland vs the british.
(i wasn't even going to post this but i wrote a whole essay in the tags so i don't want to waste that)
#i feel like i'm getting into very controversial waters here idk if i should say any of this#also. what do the actual people that live there call it bc i think that should be the end of it.#i saw on tiktok that the only foreign alliance that could make america turn against the uk would be ireland and i fully agree#(i live in new england. uhm. almost everyone here is irish) (irish american i suppose.)#i could talk about ireland and american relations. maybe i will.#here's my understanding of irish-american relations as someone who has never studied the topic in particular#but does have an interest in american history#first off. yes america is very good allies with the uk but culturally it's like. a bullying sort of thing. leftover resentment from the rev#i'm sure it's somewhat similar to everyone's resentment of america. maybe idk im not european#anyway america is built on underdog stories. thats like the foundation of our national culture. the american dream#and these stories started showing up innnnn .... the mid to late 1800s!!#do you know what also happened in the 1800s?#yup! irish people started fleeing their homeland to a better life (cough cough the americas)#so! in the time when stories about immigrants coming to america (the american dream- the most important part of us culture)#a ton of immigrants were irish! wow. do you see where i'm going with this#anyway about 9.5% of america is irish. which is A Lot (3rd most prominent ancestry)#and here in america bc being an immigrant and coming from immigrants and etc is kinda A Thing here#people typically hang on to their non-american identity#i mean i do. you can catch me talking about being french canadian a lot on tumblr.#another thing! even if you aren't irish american sometimes places r so irish that it kinda. blends into ur identification with a city#cough cough boston. cough cough massachusetts.#anyway . so. to recap#ireland and america share a common sorta not really enemy : the british. also they r the underdog which makes us sympathetic#And a lot of america has irish heritage and bc it's the us there's heritage actually matters (sorta)#and therefore the usa will always like ireland A Lot. or at least the people will.#rereading that i hope it makes sense#once again i am not a scholar and have not studied this topic these are just my inferences and observations#rain feathers talks#i will not be tagging this
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