#i live about 30-40 minutes away from my friends rn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

liliansun · 1 year ago

Text

no one particularly cares but i need this moment to vent bc i’m on the verge of tears and i wanna smash a pumpkin against my wall. and like,, if for some reason you read this lmk if i’m being unreasonable bc i feel like i am but then again i’m not.

so my bf is going into the military and he’s gonna be leaving in december right? so he just left meps today and got to his house and said his family pushed his birthday dinner from tonight (it’s his birthday today) to tomorrow night. i was like okay, he was gonna come over in the morning and we hang out w my baby and then he was gonna skedaddle off to the bday dinner with his family.

with this information i was gonna make him a cake and surprise him bc i didn’t get to see him today. so then he tells me his dad pushed it off to wherever so he was gonna go out w his guy friends to hang out and plan for the bday dinner to be later this weekend and i’m like okay and he tells me he’s gonna come by later in the day tomorrow instead of the morning bc he’s out w the boys. i’m like okay, have fun and be safe and i update him and yada yada. so then he tells me he’s going to texas which is like a few states over (4+ hour drive in the night) and i’m in the middle of a cod mobile game and i’m thinking to myself. wtf? bc in my head that contradicted the whole plans he kept changing for tomorrow (context: i was off today and tomorrow) and then he’s like nvm my friends voted against it and idk if you think like me but i thought that was dumb as hell.

so then i’m in a sour mood, i lost my br match bc i was so just out of it bc i’m like wtf? sure go do whatever you wanna do w your friends,, but if we made plans to hang out how tf do you expect me to feel when you plan to go state hopping instead. so we get into this discussion which i don’t want to call an argument and he’s like “i’m sorry but at the same time i’m not” and i’m like. elaborate. bc that shit didn’t make sense to me. “he’s like i’m sorry i’m being difficult but i’m not sorry bc i assumed you had no plans for tomorrow. well sir,, i was trying to SURPRISE you and idk if me asking a million times what time you wanted to come over didn’t give a hint?? guess not?? but okay and i’m trying to end the conversation bc i’m annoyed and he’s annoying me even more by wanting to talk it all out right here rn and i’m the type of person who needs time to think over everything,, collect my thoughts and readdress it once i’m clear headed and can see where i was wrong and he’s not

and then we get to the point of conversation where he’s like well what do you have planned for tomorrow and i’m like nothing now, you wanna go out w your friends so go out w them and he’s like we’re not going and im like okay, so go do something else w them i’m just not in the mood and he’s like no i wanna see you and i’m thinking to myself that i don’t particularly wanna see him but ik it’s bc i’m in a bad mood and maybe i’ll feel better in the morning maybe i won’t but rn i’m like stay the hell away from me before i start crying. and he’s like well the latest i’ll be by is 3 and i’m like okay. nice. and he’s like my recruiter might need me around 4 ish and i’m like. so you mean to tell me you wanna drive 40 minutes to my house to turn around and drive another 30 minutes and come back for another 30 minutes?? this is coming from the man that literally told me earlier today “since i’m quitting my job bc i’m going into the military, i don’t wanna be reckless w my spending till then”

so i mention that bc that’s a waste of gas and idk where y’all live but that shit ain’t cheep here and he tells me to let him worry about that and i’m like okay bc atp i’m done having the conversation and he’s trying to be lovey dovey and i’m about to throw my phone into the gulf and cry to tswift songs bc i just don’t know what to do.

part of me is like let him come bc he’s gonna be gone soon and you don’t know how long or where he’s gonna be at for boot camp and part of me is like he didn’t take in consideration the fact that he made plans with me and threw them out the fucking window on the highway while he was keke giggling at the thought of driving idek how many hours away and sleeping with his friends in his friends’ car.

so yeah. if you’ve made it this far on my lil ted talk, i love you. i think i’m genuinely gonna go cry and hold my baby and just try to sleep bc my head hurts and my heart hurts and i feel like i’m being irrational but at the same time i feel like i have a right to feel this way.

#lilac’s ted talk 🗣#this was a mess and lots of emotions so idek if this was something i needed to let out or keep to myself.#also if you truly know me you how much i take into playing cod mobile and i’m very prideful in winning that game like it’s the only thing #that i will get gamers rage over so like the fact that i just spaced and we lost i was pissed and confused snd i couldn’t even play anymore #but if you play cod mobile hmu and we can play together

3 notes · View notes

vacantgodling · 2 years ago

Note

tit for tat: the character from witch noir i'm most obsessed with right now is angel. he just sucks so bad, but at the last minute he decides to try really hard!! for love!!! he's a cancer sun pisces moon pisces rising he's so sad and pathetic and full of love. he cries big ghibli tears and changes reality through sheer force of he believes in it so hard. he can't drive and his best friend is a cat. and he looks like oscar isaac.

now you 🔁

thank you for doing this i’m also now???? obsessed with him. cancer x pisces baby he’s so TINY idk i’m holding him i am kissing on the head i am giving him hot chocolate 😭 i’d love to know more about him?? how does he suck? how does he manage to turn things around? what’s his cats name??? i need to knowww

(also he looks like oscar isaac? i’m 👀 looking)

i randomly get into moods for stuff so like earlier i was going through my google drive with all my nonsense and looked back over my stuff for NAD and man i wish this plot would better reveal itself to me bc i love these characters. so much!!!

NAD rn is an acronym placeholder title for the actual wip itself (hopefully it’ll name itself… one day…) standing for the 3 povs that the story’s gonna switch through.

N is for Nyseah Nicoletti. she’s a trans femme nurse who is so. fucking. tired. she’s so damn tired. let her sleep. in her 30s and works the midnight shift most nights of the week and hardly takes time for herself, chain smokes to keep the edge off of how tired and irritable she always is. she wants better for herself but like ? how. getting the boob job was hard enough lmao. anyway tho, she’s given a respite from her misery one rare night off and she decides (for once) to go out. gets all dressed up, goes to a bar and WOW? a handsome man is actually?? flirting with her???? this doesn’t happen every day, what’s the occasion? they end up going back to a motel, fuck, and then nyseah wakes up alone. everything’s cool… until she opens her left eye. then SUDDEN PAIN!!! (i posted that excerpt here but she’s not having a god time). and well, come to find out she’s psychic now. but not in a good way. in a if you even think about using your powers blood is pouring from your eye type of way. ends up meeting some “escaped experiment” kids that she immediately adopts who are able to help her but her whole story is kinda. revenge for this dude who fucked her over like this bc it’s definitely one-night-stand dude’s fault (and this ain’t just a funny like. he literally caused this lol,,)

A is for Alona. a sweet, little air headed but doing her best! college student in her early 20s. she picks up a job at the largest and most famous (infamous probably) company in the city as a part time secretary and is living the good life, or is trying to! her coworkers are a bit standoffish at times but she’s pretty chill with the whole thing until one day for the first time she’s asked to stay on for the night shift. that night goes well, but she notices what looks to be a trail of blood coming from one of the back rooms she’s told not to go into and while she doesn’t that night the thought doesn’t leave her mind. she just can’t help but want to know more? somethings not right and well. she’s curious! (let’s just hope the cat phrase doesn’t come to fruition shall we).

finally, D is for PI Donte MacBride, the oldest of the bunch in his mid 40s. he really should retire from doing pi work but he has no other prospects or savings, so he just lives out his days in his little rickety shop/turned upstairs apartment (since he lost the last real place he had), shooing away those with hopes of him facing the cruel justice system on their behalf. he won’t, not anymore, he’s done with that circus. and he’s all but stopped taking on cases too until one day a very. very famous guest decides to drop by; an actor known only by his first name leonine. he comes by to request his services, claiming its only for closure as per don’s policy: find out who killed recently killed rising star, the singer roxanne davis, one of his dearest friends. and he makes don a monetary offer he can’t refuse—one that would set him for the rest of his life. so… despite the red flags about touching this case going off in his head, don finds himself taking on one last case.

as you can probably guess, these three stories intersect and the three of them are going to meet and realize they’re all on the same path to… whatever the fuck is going on here. but !! i have yet to figure out truly what it is aside from lil bits and pieces. fjfjfj i’m sorry this was so long haha.

#s: nad #just thinking about the True Found Family Dynamic

8 notes · View notes

snickiebear · 4 years ago

Note

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you.

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them.

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are.

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD.

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL.

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A.

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip.

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH.

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about.

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it.

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it.

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay.

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time.

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps.

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing.

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.”

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic.

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

#silly things from silly friends

15 notes · View notes

jawritter · 5 years ago

Text

Happy Birthday, Dean...

**Warnings** Some language maybe? Angst. That’s pretty much it. This one is pretty light.

A/N: Just a little drabble that I threw together for Dean’s Birthday! Hope you enjoy it! All mistakes are mine! Please don’t copy my stuff!!

Word Count: 1504

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Read, kinda, mentions of Sam x Reader

If anyone wants to be added to my tag list let me know!!!

To say you and Dean didn't like each other was an understatement.

You'd been with the Winchesters for five years now. Ever since your uncle Bobby had passed away, and you didn't have anywhere to go. They had taken you in, and from that moment on you and Dean had become worst enemies. You where certain that if it were not for Sam, Dean would have kicked you to the curb a long time ago. You weren't a hunter, well not exactly, you preferred research. You'd been raised in the life, and for that reason, coupled with the fact that you where Bobby Singer's niece, every evil thing and it's mother.. creature... whatever... knew your name. So you, like the Winchesters and every other hunter/hunter family, had one giant target painted on your back.

Lucky you.

You weren't a fighter.

Not that you couldn't, you just didn't care to. The pain involved wasn't exactly your forte, and you didn't go out looking for a fight even though you did know how to defend yourself. You made yourself useful to the boys and other hunters by becoming a female version of Bobby.

Well, without the overuse of alcohol, and the horrible taste in classic country music, not to mention a lot cleaner to say the least.

You answered phones for hunters. You did the research for more than just the Winchesters. Dean didn't really like that either, though you didn't know why. Even though you had contact via email, phone, text, and sometimes video chat you never talked to any of them in person, so you couldn't see or understand the danger. Every hunter out there knew you lived and worked with the Winchesters. So nothing in its right mind, living, dead, or the undead, dared to lay a finger on you.

You traveled with them all over the place. Staying in abandoned houses, shitty hotel rooms, and whatever else you could find. Sometimes it was just the back of the Impala. That was until they found out about being legacies, and The Bunker. Things did seem to improve after that. You all had a little more space. Definitely more personal space. That helped in and of its self. Dean though, for some reason, still seemed to hate you no matter where you were staying. You couldn't remember ever doing anything to the handsome hunter. You weren't stupid, or suicidal. You never challenged him in any way. You just didn’t get it.

After you moved into The Bunker you did classes online, and even snuck around and took some clinical work it took to get your RN. Until Dean caught you anyway and flipped his lid, screaming at you that something or someone could have found you working at that hospital late at night while you did your Clinicals, and killed you. You thought you would be helping becoming an RN, something you always wanted to do, but he insisted you where needed behind a book or a computer screen. That they had Cass to handle the healing, and they didn't need you, or your input concerning the matter of their physical health.

That was the last time you spoke directly to the elder Winchester. That night you cried yourself to sleep, and when you got up, you swore you'd never let him, or any other man, do that to you again. So you buried yourself in research and work, only speaking to Dean when it was required.

Sam, on the other hand, he was your best friend. Always had been since the moment you meet him. He seemed to get you, the two of you just click. Like two little nerds, happy to do whatever it was that you were doing together. You never got into a fight. You watched movies together. You did everything together.

When he met Eileen the two of you clicked right away as well. You knew Dean couldn't figure that out because he was always swearing that you and Sam were sleeping together even though you didn't see each other that way.

Tonight was not much different from any other night, the boys were out on another case, hunting a Wendigo from what you could guess, that’s what it looked like in the evidence pile that Sam had emailed you. They were close to wrapping it up last time Sam had texted you, but you didn't expect them back till sometime early that next morning. So that meant another night alone in The Bunker. Which honestly you were used to by now, and it sort of was the safest place in the word when you took all the warding and things like that into consideration.

You wondered your way back to your room down the hallway, a cup of coffee in hand, and the intent to watch Netflix until you finally got tired enough to fall asleep.

Settling down with your laptop you typing in your password. Your time and date popped up on your screen saver. Jan. 23, 2020. 11:34 p.m.

The date stopped you for a moment. It was Dean's birthday in less than 30 minutes time. He'd made it to 41 years old... That was something in the life you lived. Most men didn't live until they were 35, much less over 40. Bobby and Rufus were almost the only exception to the rule you'd ever meet in person. Here he was though, if he survived the next 30 minutes he would officially be 41 years old...

Sitting there in the darkness, the only light that was going was the laptop, and the dim old bedside lamp, you caught yourself thinking. That was something you didn't like to do.

Think.

It caused way too many emotions and things that you didn't want to feel. Like the fine line between love and hate you knowingly walked with Dean. Yes, you were technically enemies, and yes, you couldn't stand each other most of the time, but sitting here in the dark, thinking the words that just rolled across your mind, "If he survived the next 30 minutes,” made your heart feel like it weighed 200lbs in your chest.

The thought of Sam having to call you, and tell you that Dean was gone was almost unbearable. A single tear rolled down your face before you could even bother to wipe it away. Shit... Maybe you didn't hate Dean after all...

Was it really possible that you actually loved Dean... That you were terrified of his rejection, so you chose rather too act as his enemy because it was easier?

It crossed your mind that this hunting life was finally starting to get to you, but you shoved that aside for later. Right now the most important thing you had to face was the fact that like it or not, you were in love with Dean; and it took you imagining his death to really see it. You had it shoved so far down you believed your own lie.

Picking up the phone before you could stop yourself, you dialed Dean's phone number. It was now midnight. If he made it through this hunt, and Chuck wasn't being a total Jackass, then he'd made it to 41, but you realized something.

Being a hunter meant that there was a strong possibility that you didn't have the next five minutes, and you had worked yourself up so much that you had to hear his voice just once to settle your pounding heart and know that he was okay.

It rang and rang. The more the phone rang, the more afraid you got that you were right. That your fear was right. He hadn't survived the hunt.

Then just when you were about to give up hope and have a whole nervous breakdown, you heard the voice that made your heart standstill in your chest for at least three beats.

"Hello...."

He sounded uncertain, which you guess was normal, you had never called him before... Ever...

Normally you just made contact through Sam. You preferred to act like Dean didn't exist to you, so you ignored him.

"Y/N? Hello? Is everything okay?"

His voice more desperate now, which made you feel even worse for the way you'd been treating him. He was worried because you never called him, now he thinks something is wrong.

"H...Hey Dean," you stuttered, knowing if you didn't say something if he survived the speeding trip here he'd kill you when he saw you where unharmed.

"Is everything okay Y/N?" he asked, a little calmer now that you answered him.

"Yeah, uh, I just uh, I just was worried about you guys. I haven't heard anything since Sam's text."

Here you were lying to him again, mentally slapping yourself. Why did you keep doing this?

"Oh... Uh... Everything went fine, we're about an hour from home now. Y/N, you do know this my phone not Sam's, right?" he asked.

You couldn't understand his tone, it was, strange, soft, hopeful?

"Oh... I'm sorry Dean... Guess I got the wrong Winchester," you mumble, trying to keep your voice even.

You hang up the phone before he could question your odd behavior anymore. Looking at the disconnected call you whisper what you called him for in the first place. What you didn't have the guts to say.

"Happy Birthday, Dean...."

_________________________________________

Pt. 2 here!!!

30 Minutes til Midnight

397 notes · View notes

parkliet · 4 years ago

Text

Dear anon that called me a coward. I am not, fuck you. //lh

*green was answered by Wei, Red by Harley, Blue by eirynn, Pink by aydi. Sorry if it’s confusing.

1. Is there a boy/girl in my life? There is someone in aydi’s life.

2. Think of the last person that hurt you? Do you forgive them? Yes, I know I actually shouldn’t but I do.

3. What do you think of when you hear the word meow? I’ll meow back because I want too.

4. What’s something you really want right now? A beer and some love 😭

5. Are you afraid of falling in love? Yes, because it involves vulnerability and sappy stuff and I hate that.

6. Do you like the beach? Kinda, it’s not bad.

7. Have you ever slept on a couch with someone? Yes and I hated every minute of it.

8. What’s the background on your cell? The lockscreen below. The Home Screen is none of your business.

9. Name the last 4 beds you sat on? Mine, aydi’s ex’s, xyr brother’s and a friends.

10. Do you like your phone? Well if I say no I sound spoilt but I wouldn’t mind better y’know...

11. Honestly, are things going the way you planned? No, I hate everything and need death :/

12. Who’s the last person you added to your contacts? A friend from school, he found my number and I dunno how.

13. Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler

14. What hurts more, physical or emotional pain? Depending on what’s going on, currently it’s emotional pain being a bitch.

15. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? All I want is a date at an art museum ;-;

16. Are you tired? Absolutely exhausted

17. How long have you known your first contact? Since January 2019

18. Are they a relative? No, school friend.

19. Have you ever considered getting back with an ex? No but *some people* have and I personally find it annoying because the ex is a jerk.

20. When was the last time you talked to the person you shared a kiss with? ...yesterday

21. If you knew you had the right person would you marry them today? I don’t see why not, sure.

22. Would you kiss the person you kissed last again? No, don’t think I would.

23. How many bracelets are you wearing? Currently 2.

24. Is there a certain quote you live by? “No”

25. What’s on your mind? This really big teddy bear i saw in the store, but I couldn’t get it and I’m sad 😢

26. Do you have any tattoos? Can’t get any yet but I really want a few!

27. What’s your favorite color? Pink and green

28. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Do you want a date or sumn?

29. Who are you texting? Currently my Classmates

30. Think of the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? Yes... why are all of these about kissing?

31. Do you ever have a feeling something bad is going to happen and it did? All the time bc nothing good happens

32. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes, quite a few

33. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? From what I hear recently, I’m gonna say yes.

34. Has anyone told you you have pretty eyes? Yes and it makes me melt each time.

35. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone else right in front of you? Not my problem, we’re not together so he can kiss who he wants.

36. Were you single last Valentine’s Day? No.

37. Are you friends with the last person you kissed? Yes

38. What do your friends call you? Whatever they want to at the time, I don’t care.

39. Has anyone upset you in the past week? Myself

40. Have you ever cried over a text? I do that a lot.

41. Where’s your last bruise located? My face, under my eye.

42. What is it from? I’d rather not say.

43. Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really badly? All the time when I have to be with people who don’t give me space.

44. Last person you were on the phone with? I don’t make calls so the last person I texted was a friend.

45. Do you have a favorite pair of shoes? Heels/boots make me feel good.

46. Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Yea if it’s necessary or it’s a cute hat

47. Would you ever go bald if it was in style? No, I love my hair too much.

48. Do you make supper for your family? No but I can cook if need be

49. Does your bedroom have a door? Yes

50. Top 3 webpages? Tumblr.com, picrew and Pinterest

51. Do you know anyone that hates shopping? My friends like shopping but hate shopping with me bc I wanna go to every shop.

52. Does anything on your body hurt? Everywhere (not even joking) currently it’s my left arm that hurts the most

53. Are goodbyes hard for you? Depends on the person really, if you were a bully or just a bad person I won’t miss you.

54. What’s the last Beverage you spilled on yourself? Coffee

55. How is your hair? Currently curly and not set properly so my bangs look uneven ;-;

56. What do you usually do first in the morning? Lie there for a few minutes, cos I’ll probably still be tired.

57. Do you think 2 people can last forever? Yes, if they are happy with each other.

58. Think back to January 2007, we’re you single? I was 9 months old so yeah...

59. Green or purple grapes? Both suck

60. When’s the next time you will give someone a big hug? As soon as I can without the chance of death.

61. Do you wish you were somewhere else rn? Probably somewhere quiet

62. When will be the next time you text someoone? Later today bc time zones

63. Where will you be 5 hours from now? Still at home, maybe the store idk

64. What were you doing at 8 this morning? Still sleeping

65. This time last year can you remember who you liked? An ex I think, not sure

66. Is there a person in your life that always makes you smile? Yes, the tumblr mutuals

67. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? No

68. What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? “Ow my fucking head” after hitting it while trying to get comfy at 4am

69. Have you ever tried your hardest then get disappointed at the end? Yeah, happens a lot and sucked every time

70. How many windows are open on your computer? I’m on mobile but 16 tabs are open rn.

71. How many fingers do you have? 10

72. What’s your ringtone? Whatever’s the iPhone default

73. How old will you be in 5 months? I don’t know how old I am now but the body will be 15

74. Where’s your mum right now? Lol who?

75. Why aren’t you with the person you first loved or almost loved? If you are talking exes, then it’s because we weren’t happy

76. Have you held hands with someone in the past 3 days? No

77. Are you friends with the same people you were with 2 years ago? Sort of

78. Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? No

79. Do you know anyone with the name mike? Nope

80. Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms? Yes because I sleep in class a lot and my classmates let me

81. How many people have you like in the past 3 months? Between all of us, 3

82. Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 days? No, or I hope not

83. Will you talk the person you like tonight? Hopefully

84. You’re drunk and yelling at hot people from your car, your with? All my guy friends bc I’m more likely to get drunk with and I’m more comfortable doing weird stuff with them.

85. If your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? I mean I would prefer them to not but honestly it’s their life in the end. I would try to help but if I can’t stop it it’s not my problem, it would also be kinda hypocritical of me

86. What was the most eventful thing that happened when you went to see a movie? Can’t remember

87. Who was your last received call from? A missed call from my friend, I texted her back tho

88. If someone gave you $1000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? ...yeah

89. What is something you wish you had more of? Love

90. Have you ever trusted someone too much? Sadly yes

91. Do you sleep with your window open? No

92. Do you get along with girls? Yes, if they’re nice

93. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? I’m not exactly sure if they need to know

94. Does sex mean love? Absolutely NOT, lol just bc someone is horny and wants to sleep with you, doesn’t mean they love you

95. You’re locked in the room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? Not really

96. Have you ever kissed someone with a lip ring? No but I did kiss a guy with a tongue stud...

97. did you sleep alone this week? All except one day, or was that last week...

98.do you have someone who makes you happy?Yea I guess

99. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, not really actually

100. Who was the last person you pinky promised? A friend

#this too a long time 😭 but am no coward

3 notes · View notes

nightmaresorpromises · 4 years ago

Text

Thanks for the tag @amethyst-shift ! I’m not gonna tag anyone for this rn but if any of y’all wanna do it feel free!

Survey me-

1. Put your music on shuffle and give me the first 6 songs

Perfect world -Ryan caraveo

The beautiful and the damned G-eazy

King of anything- beartooth

If I can’t have you- Shawn mendes

5 shots -Gianni & Kyle

Sweater weather- the neighborhood

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My internet friends!

3. What is something you’re terrible at but wish you could do well?

Sing

4. What do you think about most?

Fuck... life? My body? Anxiety things basically

5. What modern innovation are you grateful for the most?

Internet

6. Do you have any strange phobias

Spiders, heights, ocean not strange I suppose

7. What’s your religion?

I’m not religious and don’t really believe in god, I guess technically that makes me an atheist?

8. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Outside outside? Probably hanging out with a friend

9. What’s the one thing you hope never changes?

Idk... there’s nothing in my life I want to stay the same rn honestly.

10. What was the last concert you saw before the pandemic?

Kfest either 2018 or 2019 I think

11. Do you believe in karma?

Yes and no... I think if someone’s a dick itll bite them in the ass eventually, but I don’t necesrilly think it’s an always thing or that the universe will dish karma out for balance.

12. What is one childhood memory that you remember especially well?

Running away from a dragon fly and tripping and falling down the stairs into the basement, I blacked out so idk what happened after that just have a scar as a reminder

13. What’s your greatest weakness; Your greatest strength?

Weakness? My insecurity maybe, like lack of self confidence and clinginess.

Strength? My stubbornness sometimes, it drives me to prove myself or others wrong and helps me grow sometimes

14. Who is your celebrity crush?

MGK

15. How do you vent your anger?

Poetry or unhealthy coping mechanisms lol

16. Do you have a collection of anything?

I have some mugs and mini back packs I like to collect :)

17. Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Eh, I’m getting better but I have a ways to go

18. What’s the sound you hate and a doing you love?

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CHEW WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN NEAR ME

Maybe just music sounds?

19. What’s your biggest “What if?”

What if I’m stuck like this forever? What if nothing ever changes? What if it all gets worse?

20. Do you believe in Ghosts? How about aliens?

Nope, and yea

21. What are some core principles you have that you’ll never give up or change?

Honestly nothing really comes to mind but my sleep meds are kicking in-

I think not letting mental health become an excuse to mistreat other people because I know a lot of people who’ve done that.

I think also a big one if not the biggest is like, even if I don’t agree with or understand something peoples values, way of living or identity is okay and not wrong, so long as someone doesn’t cause any harm to someone else, why should I be against it? Like It’s not always that simple I guess but that’s the best way I can describe it I’m about to fall asleep lol

22. What’s one thing that instantly makes your day?

when people I’m close to show me they care

23. What’s the worst place you’ve ever been to?

No place really comes to mind

24. What trait do you admire in others but don’t possess yourself?

Confidence 😂 charisma

25. To you, what’s the meaning of life?

The meaning of life is what you make it, for me that’s pursuing art and creativity and maybe love too. Self growth

26. Are you ticklish? If so, where?

Yes and yes >.<

27. What was the last movie you saw?

Made in abyss I think third movie

28. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I bent my foot all the way on a rock in sophomore year of highschool and was in a boot and on crutches for 3 months and then crutches on and off for the rest of the year. I still get some pain sometimes.

29. Do you have any obsessions right now?

Nope

30. Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yeah in middle school people spread rumors I was a whore and liked people and all that dumb pre-teen bullshit🙄

31. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

It depends on the level of wrong. Like there is a very large scale, typically no not for stupid petty shit but if someone comes for me with stuff they know will trigger me or tries to manipulate me then like yeah.

32. What’s your astrological sign?

Gemini

33. What’s the last thing you purchased?

Joggers/sweat pants they’re are super cute and cozy so I’m happy w them :)

34. Love or lust?

Both please 😂 but in reality love definitely over list. Balance of two would be lovely though

35. In a relationship?

Nope single Pringle

36. How many relationships have you had?

6-7?

37. What’s a song that always makes you happy to hear it?

Usually if anything on my playlist comes on the radio I get a little excited, no specific song comes to mind

38. In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Honesty, communication, trust

39. Basic question, what’s your favorite color?

Black, blue, or purple

40. What half hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Hmmm idk. Maybe 30 minutes in Florida again from my time there a year or two ago.

#survey #tagged things #about me #random #tired bitch responses

1 note · View note

mars-barssss · 5 years ago

Note

Hi! For the whump bingo ask, can I ask for "Apologizing right before they pass out" with Patton? Thank you.

//I’m really sorry about this being so late! Also, sorry to the two other asks for a while ago, I’m gonna finish these up before continuing. Life got a bit hectic but I’ll get back on it!

An Illogical Feeling

Pairing: Logicality

TW: Blood, Near Character Death (But not actual character death!), Stab Wounds

Type: ANGST

//College!Au and Human!Au, to let you know!

Summary: Logan gets a call from his best, no, a really close friend. He learns something new about himself.

—

Ring…! Ring…!

The ringing of the phone mixed with the loud movie that was blasting on the TV. Roman didn’t pay any mind to it, as his eyes were trained on whatever action movie they happened to be watching.

Logan himself was reading a book, however. He was paying no mind to the movie. He had no interest in it, anyways.

Roman had invited him to watch a movie over in his dorm, and he didn’t really care for the choice of movie that he chose. Truthfully, Logan just was tired of waiting for his own roommates to come home, and although he wouldn’t admit it, he didn’t want to be alone.

There was something so suffocating about being alone. It was illogical at best, he should be fine with that. But he had gotten used to the conversations and sounds that dulled the silence, that he couldn’t just avoid it! He didn’t know if that meant he was getting weak, or otherwise. Either way, he simply had told Roman he’d be over, but not to watch. Roman didn’t get much of a response to his next text, before said friend arrived at his door.

And the moment that Logan stepped inside showed just how lonely Roman was too. Or at least, bored. Pillows and blankets coated the couches and a bean bag chair was pulled up in the living room. The movie was looping on the menu screen, and there were some blankets specifically placed as like a cover. A true… pillow fort.

When questioned, Roman had shrugged it off, mumbling something about how his emo roommate not being home for the next two hours and his other being at a debate competition for the weekend.

As Logan recalled this, a loud shout pulled him out of his thoughts. The scene kid continued to shout as a lion, apparently, was hanging by the edge of a cliff, and screaming for help from the other lion.

“Mufasa, you could just like, I don’t know, climb to the left slightly, there’s a branch right there-!”

Roman continued to argue nonsensically at these characters, who Logan didn’t even know the names of, and who would also not hear Roman’s arguments, until eventually the lion fell off of the cliff. That left Roman with a loud irritated shout.

Logan scoffed slightly, smiling. He returned to his book.

Ring…! Ring…!

Oh. Right. The phone. The phone that was still ringing.

It was Roman’s phone, so obviously, he should answer it. It wasn’t in Logan’s place to answer it. It could be personal. But his that dumb drama student just wouldn’t stop whining the screen. Honestly, Logan didn’t know why it bugged him so much. Maybe because it didn’t merge with the background sound of the movie.

Maybe it was because of a strange feeling in his stomach. He didn’t even know why it was there, but earlier when it first started, he nearly wanted to take some medicine. He was probably just getting sick, to be honest. It was winter, after all.

Speaking of winter, Logan glimpsed out of Roman’s dorm window. It had actually began to snow, after Logan arrived. Something about it excited him, because he hadn’t seen snow in so long. That however, didn’t last long. The snow also made him worry for Roman’s roommates, as well as his home. The roads would be slippery, and honestly his roommate should have been home a while ago. Anxiously, Logan checked his phone, tapping his foot lightly on the carpet.

6:48 PM

Ring…! Ring…!

Logan shuffled slightly, getting to messaging app to try to contact him again. Logan did not like the idea of spamming people, it was rude. Honestly, they’d respond back when they did get the chance, but this time, his stomach was almost doing figurative flips. His stomach was figuratively flipping?

He didn’t really pay too much mind to the half-cooked metaphor as he scrolled through today’s messages and typed a new message.

___

Today

1:30 AM Patty-Cake: GO TO BED

1:30 AM Patty-Cake: I can c ur light on

Patty-Cake changed Crofters’s nickname to hey.

Patty-Cake changed hey’s nickname to LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP.

1:37 AM LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP: I need to get this essay done.

1:38 AM Patty-Cake: u got that essay last night, it’s due in two weeks

1:40 AM LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP: Better to get it done early.

1:43 AM Patty-Cake: Comin to ur room rn

1:43 AM LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP: What?

2:11 AM Patty-Cake: ILY nightt

Patty-Cake changed LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP’s nickname to Stargazer.

12:34 PM Patty-Cake: Lo!!! I got a role!! SO EXCITED!!! :D

12:34 PM Patty-Cake: Ro’s gonna be so happy! He’s been trying to get me into the play for weeeeeeeeks

Patty-Cake changed Patty-Cake’s nickname to AAAAAAAA.

12:36 PM Stargazer: That’s nice. Congratulations.

12:36 PM AAAAAAAA: Emile’s calling! C u at home im gonna be making cookies

2:03 PM AAAAAAAA : Do u want burgers tonite?

AAAAAAAA changed AAAAAAAA’s nickname to Patty-Cake

2:03 PM Patty-Cake: Gotta fix my name one sec

5:30 PM Stargazer: Patton, please respond. Where are you? You should have been home a half an hour ago.

6:48 PM Stargazer: Patton, are you home yet? If you are not, it is snowing outside, please drive carefully.

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:03

6:50 PM Stargazer: You’re worrying me, please call back.

___

“Get off your electronics, Microsoft Nerd!” Ahead of him, Roman was a leaning backwards, giving him a pointed stare. His lips were pouting as he pointed at his phone. The movie was paused. “Thought you were gonna be on your book, not your phone!”

“I was reading my book. I only went to go check the time on here.” Logan deadpanned, pocketing his phone. A small glance to Roman’s home phone made Roman shout at him again.

…

“Really? I could heard you typing! You aren’t even paying attention to me right now!” He huffed, sitting up in the chair, still staring at Logan. “See you’re just staring at my phone for some odd reason, at least give me a straight answer.”

Turning back to Roman, Logan’s expression was dulled out, kind of a tired ‘what are you even going on about’ face. “Just unpause the movie, Roman.”

“Alright, whatever, just don’t text during the movie! Puh-lease!” The movie was unpaused, and the volume replaced the silence immediately. It blasted through Logan’s ears the moment it came back on, the stark difference surprising the engineering major. He didn’t realize that the phone stopped ringing.

Everything continued as normal.

Only until a few minutes later.

Ding!…

___

6:58 PM Patty-Cake: l

6:58 PM Patty-Cake: logan

___

Logan quickly grabbed his phone, his hands shaking slightly as he scrambled for the messaging app. Oh, he was going to rip Patton a new one for scaring him.

___

6:59 PM Stargazer: Patton, why didn’t you respond to me all afternoon?

6:59 PM Stargazer: Patton

7:01 PM Patty-Cake: hlp me pls

7:01 PM Stargazer: What’s wrong?

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:01

7:03 PM Patty-Cake: guy cme up behnd me

___

By now, Logan has stood up, staring down his phone. This felt wrong, this felt so, so wrong. Glancing away for a brief moment, Roman had also gotten up from his beanbag, although his intention was different.

“Hey pocket protector! What in the world are you doing?!” Roman nudged his shoulder, although not unkindly. “You’re panicking dude, come on, breathe.” A hand landed on his shoulder, but Logan didn’t acknowledge it. He was on the screen to call Patton, consistently trying to call the other.

Roman looked at Logan’s phone nervously, before tightening his grip on the other’s shoulder.

___

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:02

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:01

7:05 PM Patty-Cake: over by th aprtmns alleyway

7:05 PM Stargazer: Why aren’t you answering?!

7:05 PM Stargazer: Why aren’t you calling the police?

7:06 PM Stargazer: Patton

You called Patty-Cake.

___

Finally one of the calls went through. As Logan looked at the video on the call, there was just black, and all he heard at first was gasps, and clearly a choking sound. The phone moved from what sounded like the ground, into the air, slightly. The phone was shaking from the place it was held, showing only concrete.

“Patton-?! Patton, are you there?”

The phone jolted again, as it sounded like he was trying to sit up. “L…Logan?…”

“Yeah, Patton, it’s me. Where are you?! Tell me where you are!” The phone uneasily shakes in Logan’s hands. He’s already walking towards the apartment door, keeping his eyes on the call desperately. As the door opened, he winced at the choke-like gasps coming from the other end of the call. Roman quickly followed after him as he rushed down the staircase, not waiting for the elevator.

“Logan… L… I…” Several more coughs came through as the phone was pulled back towards Patton. The camera jolted as he coughed. His hand came into view of the camera for a moment, and Logan stopped breathing for a moment as he stood in the front door of the dorm.

Dark red blood stained his hands and the snow around him. The arm itself was shaking either from fear, or the cold winds. Another wheeze came through, before Logan saw that Patton was beginning to drop the phone, falling forward in the process.

“Patton, don’t fall asleep! Please! Tell us where you-!”

All of a sudden, a loud thump was heard on the call, as the camera went dark. The call was still on, but Patton must have passed out on it. Soft uneven breathing came through the speaker.

“P-Patton!”

His head turned up sharply as he could hear just how much he was hyperventilating. He stared at Roman, his eyes watering from his fear how tired he was. “R-Roman.”

Roman touched his shoulder, his words fumbling right out of his mouth with how quickly he spoke. “He stayed late at the theater, and he said he was near the dorms in an alleyway, he’s probably that way-” Roman gestures to Logan’s left. “I’ll call the police to this area, call me when you find him- I’ll lead the ambulance there, okay?! You just focus on finding him!” He shoves Logan to the left, as he pulls out his own phone quickly, his boots stomping through the now-thicker snow.

Logan briefly nods before running off to the left. If you asked Roman, Logan never runs for anything, unless he is genuinely scared, which is rare. Nothing could ever get him to run, but now, he was going as fast as he could on the slippery ice and snow.

“PATTON-!”

Glancing down every alleyway there was, he held the phone close, listening to the soft, weakened breathing, to make sure he was alive. After a few moments, Logan stumbles after hearing a hitch in the other student’s breathing, before he couldn’t hear it anymore! His own breathing hitches, as tears spill down his eyes.

“PATTON!”

He sprints off again, desperately looking down every alleyway and corner, until finally, he spots Patton’s cardigan down one of them, abandoned.

Turning sharply into it, he reached the cardigan, picking it up shakily, and holding it close. A small whimper snaps his head towards the right, where Patton was laying, a few feet away. Logan stumbles forward desperately, falling to his knees beside Patton, who’s eyes were closed with a light layer of ice on them, and breathing that was barely heard.

“Patton, can you hear me?!”

He pulled the other into his lap, trying to warm him up. The moment he saw his stomach, where a stab wound festered, he shoved his hand on it, giving it pressure, despite all of the blood that surrounded them. His other hand grasped at his phone, dialing Roman’s number, the other continuing to hold the unresponsive student in his lap. Once the call went through, he quickly blurted out the area they were in, and set his phone the ground without a care. The now empty hand hesitated, before taking one of Patton’s in his own.

“Patton, wake up! Please, wake up!”

Patton didn’t know who was speaking, but someone was speaking.

He didn’t know who was shaking him, but someone was shaking him.

He didn’t know who was saving him, but someone was-

He opened his eyes to see a blurry mess of blues and blacks. A small groan forced it’s way out of him as he struggled to move, only realize the hand that pushed down on his stomach. A whimper was heard as he felt the pain that grew from the pressure, before he felt himself get moved around slightly, his back against the wall of a dorm.

His eyelids drooped slowly, as his whole body longed to be on the floor again, as he longed to sleep. Suddenly, his hearing came back and-

“-tton! Stay awake! Don’t fall asleep!”

Logan’s voice blasted throughout his whole body, it just felt so loud. Everything suddenly felt so loud, and his stomach hurt so badly. The rocks beneath him felt so cold, so very cold, and… sticky. Why… Why was it sticky?

“Pa-” His hearing went out again as he blinked over and over, trying to get a better view. Eventually, he can see who the figure above him was. Logan.

Some fellow student. Some nerd. A stoic acquaintance, who hid his emotions. A person who helped him with math homework, who didn’t care how dumb he was. A childhood friend, who tried to avoid him. A stargazing dork, who stayed late up until four in the morning to see a comet. A friend, who didn’t leave him, even if it meant he got bullied by the same kids that bullied him. His partner in crime, who begrudgingly joined him with a prank on the bullies. His only friend, who would let him ramble listlessly all night. His best friend, who took care of him when he was bedridden, and called for Roman to bring blankets and watch movies with them until he was better.

One of the most important people in the world to him, who was slowly fading away into the darkness that clouded Patton’s vision.

“Lo…” Patton’s voice whimper out through the pain, his hand squeezing Logan’s, as strong as he could. Which wasn’t that strong, but it was something. Logan’s eyes darted right back to Patton’s, and for the first time that Patton ever knew, he was crying. A sudden shiver wracked Patton’s body, and he tore his gaze away from the other to try to contain heat.

Some of Logan’s tears hit Patton in the cheek, sliding down his face. Logan’s breathing rose again as he watched Patton carefully, and held him away from all of the snow that had gathered around him. Quickly shifting his jacket off of him, he wrapped it around Patton, and held it closer once more. “Patton, stay awake for me, okay? You can hear me, right?”

Patton stiffly nodded, as another shiver made him shrink into Logan’s jacket. He looked so… small. His voice wasn’t much bigger than how he looked, rasping at the edges. “Y-Y-Y-Ye-eah. I-I can he-ear you.”

“G-Good, you’re okay, you’re gonna be fine.” Logan muttered those reassurances under his breath as he looked back at the main road, waiting. Waiting for the inevitable sirens to come down it. At any time now. “You’ll be fine.”

“Logan…” Patton felt it inside of him. Something inside of him was wilting, like a dying rose. He didn’t know if it was because of all of the red around him, or the frost that nipped at his wrists. His body felt like it falling apart, one thing at a time. His fingers, then his wrists, then his arms. Something deep down in him was fading, and he was scared, because his eyes won’t stay open, they won’t stay open, oh god, he’s falling he’s falling he’s falling-

But he’d always be there to catch him.

“Patton, come on. I’m going t-to pick you up now, is that okay?” The sound of sirens suddenly filled the absence of sound. Logan’s voice barely wavered, his ability to hold in his emotions from the outside was something Patton wished he was better at to be honest. But right now, Patton was sure his expression was only either pained, or nothing. He didn’t feel much of anything. Not emotionally, but neither the cold that tore at his limbs.

He was so tired. He was so… so cold.

He couldn’t even nod his head to let Logan know he heard him.

“Patton, can you hear me? We have to go!” Logan’s voice cracked. It was a little detail, but Patton knew just how much it meant. Logan was scared. But Patton couldn’t reach for him anymore, he was too numb. His head rolled to the side, looking at the pavement as Logan tried to move him. “Pat!”

Pat. That’s a nickname that Patton hadn’t heard for years. At least, not from Logan.

Maybe he should change his nickname to it again.

“Patton, please, don’t close your eyes, the ambulance is here! I’m sorry if you don’t want to be picked up, but I have to move you.” Logan shook him slightly, the movement only rolling his limp head around more. When he looked at Logan, he could only see beauty. He could only see his best friend, as if the whole world didn’t exist at that moment. The world faded into the background, grays and blues and whites. Snow flew around them as Logan carried him. It was a wonderful world.

Where he had no wounds and wasn’t dying right now.

He didn’t feel any pain, he could only see his best friend holding him close. And perhaps it was just the blood-loss speaking, but he knew at that moment just how much he did love the man who was saving him. The world shifted around him, and he didn’t care. He didn’t notice. His head rolling slightly, but his eyes were trained on Logan.

He looked so sad. Why was he so sad? Scared too. He didn’t like Logan when he was scared. He didn’t want him to be sad. He wanted him to be happy!

He kept looking sadder whenever he faced him as they walked forward, with snow fluttering around him. Did he do something wrong?…

If he did, he was so sorry. He felt so guilty. He felt sore, but he didn’t care. He’d feel sore all day if it meant he wasn’t sad. He had to say something, to apologize for… whatever he did. He just had to get that sad face off of him. He didn’t care about what it was, he just wanted him to be happy.

With the last of his strength, he reached up towards Logan’s face, and in return Logan’s face snapped towards Patton. His thumb weekly traced a tear as his hand shook and fell to his chest.

“I’m… I’m so sorry, Lo.”

It was clear, if not raspy. And as he uttered it, he heard Logan. Not really though, the words were so muffled and quiet, it was if he had whispered it, and Patton wasn’t close enough. But he heard him speak, whatever he was saying, as his head rolled back limply against Logan’s arm, and his eyelids fluttered shut.

And they didn’t open back up.

Logan didn’t know he could cry, but almost losing his best friend taught him that.

___

//There we go! Let me know if you want a sequel to it! And I’m gonna get to work with the other asks! Have a great day!

#sandersides #sanders sides #roman #patton #logicality #logan

41 notes · View notes

hauntedtotem · 4 years ago

Note

💗 🌠 🌟 🎁 🐇 🎵 🍀 😣 💥 🎨 😔 💫

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

my fiance bc we’re stuck long distance rn and I wanna see them ;^;

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

realistically? Ive tried to think about this alot but i don't know how to run the government or anything so I don't even know what that would look like in reality. one major thing i’d like to change is how predators get away with little to no sentencing. and the world would be much more eco-friendly, primarily i’d like to focus on restoring the coral reefs

but if we mean in a fantasy setting? i’d make certain areas have one specific weather all the time, like its always raining in this town or its always sunset at waterparks. weird ideal I guess? and winter would just not be a thing. or ig i’d make it so winter only happens in specific places. it’d just be cool to freeze time in certain areas.

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

nice eyelashes, good imagination (not so much when im awake, but my dreams are always really cool), Idk what else??

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

playing Xenosaga, talking to my fiancé, or daydreaming/discussing BEN Drowned

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

mainly fanfics I read that were never finished, I try to make my own ending but its always impossible. and I like daydreaming about the ARG and how characters would react in different situations, I like thinking about crossovers and what they would think about the similarities between them and other franchises

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

Record Player

Will Wood - Better than the Alternative

Kongos - You Are Strange

My Ordinary Life

A Good Look

Will wood - BlackBoxWarrior

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

I think we all already know 👀

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

my irl ex-best friend physically abused one of my friends and sexually assulted two of my other irl friends and there was a big falling out, but she says she didn't do anything wrong and tried to claim that I manipulated ppl into cutting ties w her? and she sent herself hate messages and tried to spread them around saying i sent it when i havent talked to her since February, which was months before my friends came out about the crap she was doing to them. and about two months ago she got a tumblr and even tho she’s been offline, idk when shes coming back and when she does she may find my current account and see that ive been talkin about her. which normally would be like, whatever- but she lives just 20 minutes away from me and has been to my house before, so I worry she might try to show up and start shit??

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

noo youre gonna get me cancelled

well, I think all organized religion is bad so theres that.

a lot of people say “jeff the killer was 13 in his story, but you cant draw him as 13 bc it was written in x year and hes a human so he ages, so hes 30 now and you have to portray him that way” and I think that's really stupid because hes a fictional character. hes not real, no other fandom goes by that rules, idk why people are treating him like a real person? like, if you took a character from a show in the 80s that doesn't mean the character is now 40 years older than they were in the original work, because theyre just a character and the characters don't age in real time bc theyre not real. you can make content that takes place before, during, right after, or years after his initial story, you don't need to portray him as he would be if he was a real person in todays time. I've seen people attack young artists and generally being really aggressive about this and I don't get it

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

I honestly haven't doodled since I was in school, anything I draw now is for full drawings and not just fun private doodles

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

write a bunch of angst in my head, sleep, but those don't rly work, the one that works for me is just kinda go completely offline for a week and play games.

💫 who inspires you?

for art, its Krooked-glasses, nelnal, akorhaphi, funamusea, pengosolvent, ghost, ehxkor, par0llel, junji ito, and a couple more I cant remember rn. some of these are people on DeviantArt that aren't active anymore

2 notes · View notes

melancoryphus · 5 years ago

Text

50 Questions You Have Never Been Asked

i was tagged by @loverofelves :3c thank u <3

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

black, nothing special, my mom got it from a dollar store for me bc my old one was literally falling apart but i refused to replace it

2. A food you never eat?

the only thing i can think of that i would probably not eat even if that meant it gets thrown away is steak, or any cut of red meat. i have a lot of trouble swallowing it for some reason. most other foods i hate i would still rather eat than waste them

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

theres no really comfortable temperature for me i think. im always either too warm or too cold. but since i spend most time in my bedroom which only gets sunlight for about 4 hours a day, im usually too cold

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

painting with watercolours and listening to music

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

i avoid sweets so i dont really know the different breeds of candy bar

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

ive participated in a few swimming tournaments when i was younger and a friend dragged me to see an ice hockey match a few years ago

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

'hey’ at my cats because they were climbing my shelf....

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

not really a flavour, but strawberry sundae, with real strawberries and white chocolate... theres nothing quite like it

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

tap water

10. Do you like your wallet?

its a huge black leather wallet. i wanted one like this really bad when i was like 14 yrs old, now i kinda think its too big. but i like that it has space for all kinds of clutter like cards and pictures... i want to say i feel neutral about it but considering how long ive had it im probably at least a little attached

11. What was the last thing you ate?

a small bowl of plain oats with milk for breakfast

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

no... im saving my money for useless things rn!

13. The last sporting event you watched?

im really not into sports so whenever i watch sports it i dont do so deliberately. uhm. i think biathlon was on tv one time a few months ago when i visited my dad

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

i like it when its sweet but not so much that your fingers get terribly sticky from it

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

my dad probably

16. Ever go camping?

yea i went camping w my dad a lot when i was younger, almost every summer for 8 years. im mentioning my dad a lot here. we are not as close as one might think

17. Do you take vitamins?

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

no im too pretty

19. Do you have a tan?

no, but my right arm is a bit red from sitting on my balcony too long yesterday

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

depends entirely on my mood, i dont have a general preference

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

only when i want to act like a slut which is never

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

i usually wear black tights

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

I CANT DRIVE AND I NEVER WILL and if you drive above the speed limit thats +5 on your sin counter. i will know

24. What terrifies you?

those scary creepypasta images, communication, and anything unpredictable. also the possibility that jjba part 7 will be animated entirely in cgi

25. Look to your left what do you see?

a manga panel of dio i traced and taped to my wall, a bunch of jjba prints, and a tiny sticker of diego

26. What core do you hate?

if this is about music... i actually dont even want to spell out the name of that genre, thats how disgusting it is. its got to do with anime

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

that time in like, 7th grade, where english class was mostly about learning australian vocabulary

28. What is your favorite soda?

i dont drink soda im so scared of the liquid sugar but like cherry or vanilla coke probably

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

i dont ever go to fast food places, but if i did id hit the drive thru. inside its too loud and i hate when people can watch me eat

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

in person... my dad i think

31. Favorite cut of beef?

its all bad

32. Last song you listened to?

all the fools sailed away by dio (the band with real life people in it)

33. Last book you read?

der unsichtbare apfel by robert gwisdek. im still reading it actually im just too busy to finish anything rn

34. Favorite day of the week?

saturday of course!! although last night there was someone in front of my window at 3am who screamed for two seconds for seemingly no reason. this stuff doesnt happen on weekdays

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

no and im self conscious about it

36. How do you like your coffee?

black!!

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

my dr martens mary janes... easy to get in and out of... simple... cute... whats not to love. theyre starting to fall apart tho bc i wear them all the time

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

between 9 and 11 pm

39. At what time do you normally get up?

between 5 and 9 am

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

emotionally, sunrises bc sunsets remind me that the day is over and my time has run out... but aesthetically, sunsets

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

two, one weighted and one normal

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

plain white... super boring and i hate them but i used to live with a minimalist and tried to be considerate to avoid conflict

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

rum w cola or pina coladas, but i usually avoid alcohol. makes me feel like a soggy sponge and so sleepy. hate it

44. Do you play cards?

no all card games are bad!!

45. What color is your car?

i cant drive

46. Can you change a tire?

i cant even consider learning how to do it

47. What is your favorite province?

*nods*

48. Favorite job you ever had?

i hate jobs and careers and i would sooner let myself get exploded into a thousand pieces by impact with a speeding train than take up a job again

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

i was 15, in a really bad place mentally, and tried to make a point to someone... uh oh!

50. What did you do today that made someone happy?

this question is guilt tripping me

#abt me

4 notes · View notes

in-one-sockk · 6 years ago

Note

1-150 for the asks :3🦋

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night2. Are you outgoing or shy? - im bipolar3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? - my pretty girlfriend on my birthday4. Are you easy to get along with? - I don’t know, find out5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? - begrudgingly, she hates vomit6. What kind of people are you attracted to? - butches with nice arms7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - definitely, we’re at six months!8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? - Frank Iero9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - not at all10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - the moon11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? - “meanie”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - Make it Right - BTS, Summertime - MCR, bellyache - Billie Eilish, Dilbar - Neka Kakkar, This Is Home - Cavetown

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? - NO I have curly hair and if you touch it or interfere with it it looks like I’ve been dragged through a bush by my ankles14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? - I believe in good and bad karma15. What good thing happened this summer? - I met my girlfriend16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - yes17. Do you think there is life on other planets? - I think it’d be pretty egotistical to not18. Do you still talk to your first crush? - nahh19. Do you like bubble baths? - I like them, for like five minutes because I need to wash my hair and they get in the way20. Do you like your neighbors? - my neighbours are scared of sunlight21. What are you bad habits? - pulling away because I think I’m a burden22. Where would you like to travel? - Norway, Japan, places with blue seas and flowers23. Do you have trust issues? - I have a narcissistic mother, so yahh24. Favorite part of your daily routine? - getting into bed25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - my shoulders, they’re broad26. What do you do when you wake up? - die inside 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - neither, I don’t really think about it28. Who are you most comfortable around? - my girlfriend 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? - a lot of them, but for manipulative reasons30. Do you ever want to get married? only to @when-youcant-sleepat-night31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? - yeah but not a cute one32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? - Brie Larson (short hair) and Erika Linder 33. Spell your name with your chin - nopee34. Do you play sports? What sports? - I used to be a swimmer, and I did trampolining and high jump, but I haven’t done sports in a while35. Would you rather live without TV or music? - TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - nope, I’m quite blunt37. What do you say during awkward silences? - I’m usually the awkward silent one, unless I’m high energy38. Describe your dream girl? - can cook, nice hands, sweet laugh, fairly tall, short hair, strong, patient, likes cuddles, understanding, pretty masculine energied39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - ASOS Marketplace, thrift shops, Pull&Bear, Urban Outfitters, Run & Fly, Etsy40. What do you want to do after high school? - get married, have kids, be a housewife with a greenhouse and a vegetable garden. Can I do that? Nope. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - No, but context. If your partner hits you do they deserve a second chance? No. But you gotta let people learn and grow from their mistakes?42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? - I want attention, I’m sad, scared, suicidal, tired, confused, embarrassed. So really a lot43. Do you smile at strangers? - If I like their energy44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? - I love both of these things but am also terRIFIED of both these things45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? - a better day might come 46. What are you paranoid about? - money and not having enough47. Have you ever been high? - yeahh48. Have you ever been drunk? - too much49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - yeah but obviously I’m not gonna tell you50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? - Green, my favourite51. Ever wished you were someone else? - a lot of the time52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? - I’d like to have a skill?hobby I could turn into a career I’d enjoy53. Favourite makeup brand? - I dont really have one, but I’ve used the exact same Rimmel London eyeliner since I was 1154. Favourite store? - Etsy55. Favourite blog? - @malnedott has a lot of cute aesthetics56. Favourite colour? - forest green57. Favourite food? - chilli with lots of sour cream (I dont like spicy food)58. Last thing you ate? - a jelly baby59. First thing you ate this morning? - a jelly baby60. Ever won a competition? For what? - I won a competition last month on “who can use the most words beginning with V and create a story that makes sense” 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? - I skipped school for a while when I was depressed62. Been arrested? For what? - nopee63. Ever been in love? - I’m very in love right now64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? - I actually can’t remember it..65. Are you hungry right now? - very, but I’m lazy66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? - I have no tumblr friends, no one talks to me67. Facebook or Twitter? - neither68. Twitter or Tumblr? - Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? - nope, I’m on Skype70. Names of your bestfriends? - Non, Maya, Calli (my cat)71. Craving something? What? - a cuddle72. What colour are your towels? - I don’t actually own any72. How many pillows do you sleep with? - two!73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - a stuffed unicorn and a blanket my girlfriend gave me74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? - seven?75. Favourite animal? - penguin76. What colour is your underwear? - I’m not wearing any 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? - chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? - sherbet!79. What colour shirt are you wearing? - brown ish red??80. What colour pants? - grey with batman logos81. Favourite tv show? - currently Killing Eve82. Favourite movie? - Mamma Mia 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? - we don’t talk about the sequel..84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls (I’ve never seen the other one)85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? - Glenn Coco86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? - The stingray bus87. First person you talked to today? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night88. Last person you talked to today? - my little sister89. Name a person you hate? - Gauge…. my old supervisor at work90. Name a person you love? - my little sister91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - Eden (my sisters ex who left her suicidal)92. In a fight with someone? - sort of.. a non-resolved ignoring of each other and93. How many sweatpants do you have? - one I think94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? - 495. Last movie you watched? - Jennifer’s Body96. Favourite actress? - Jodie Comer97. Favourite actor? - Rami Malek98. Do you tan a lot? - never99. Have any pets? - two cats and one spawn of satan with a cat face100. How are you feeling? - kinda empty rn101. Do you type fast? - when I’m high energy, but am I skilled at it? nope102. Do you regret anything from your past? - dating that teacher that one time103. Can you spell well? - awkwardly, I can spell complicated words really well, but basic words where multiple of the same letters are next to each other are evil, like, I always think there’s two F’s in professor or one D in address 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? - my old best friend I guess sometimes 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? - no but I’d love to!106. Ever broken someone’s heart? - my mothers maybe107. Have you ever been on a horse? - yes and they’re evil creatures108. What should you be doing? - homework109. Is something irritating you right now? - having to go cook110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - yes, my girlfriend before we got together111. Do you have trust issues? - isnt this repeated?112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? - my girlfriend113. What was your childhood nickname? - Fifi Forget me not114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? - yes!115. Do you play the Wii? - yes, and hugely beat @when-youcant-sleepat-night at Mario Karts116. Are you listening to music right now? - my sister’s bath music from the next room117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? - I’ve never had it 118. Do you like Chinese food? - not really119. Favourite book? - The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier120. Are you afraid of the dark? - yes..121. Are you mean? - sometimes 122. Is cheating ever okay? - NEVER, especially when you’re Russian and pretend you’re a nice person and constantly talk about how cheating is never okay desPITE doing it to every girlfriend you’ve had123. Can you keep white shoes clean? - no, my converse are basically grey124. Do you believe in love at first sight? - i dont know125. Do you believe in true love? - thoroughly126. Are you currently bored? - a little127. What makes you happy? - flowers128. Would you change your name? - yes, for varying reasons. I dont like mine much, and to hide from some bad people129. What your zodiac sign? - gemini130. Do you like subway? - the food? not really131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - bluntly make it clear I’m gay132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - I think this is repeated too133. Favourite lyrics right now? - “I wanna build a place in you, where I can be made new”134. Can you count to one million? - probably not135. Dumbest lie you ever told? - “Of course I know what I’m doing”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? - my bedroom door closed, wardrobe open137. How tall are you? - 176cm138. Curly or Straight hair? - I have curly hair, but straight hair requires a lot less effort and upkeep139. Brunette or Blonde? - ginger140. Summer or Winter? - autumn141. Night or Day? - night142. Favourite month? - August143. Are you a vegetarian? - no, but I can’t be in my current living situation144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? - none145. Tea or Coffee? - tea, black and cold146. Was today a good day? - no, all the customers decided to buy huge amounts as the store closed. If you do this, you are the worst kind of person and yes, we all thoroughly hate you147. Mars or Snickers? - neither148. What’s your favourite quote? - “They tell you to do your own thing but they don’t mean it. They don’t want you to do your thing, not unless it happens to be their thing, too.”149. Do you believe in ghosts? - no but I believe in bad energies150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? - Lateness fucking noticed, loser bitch

1 note · View note

kpopchangedme · 6 years ago

Text

I was tagged by @not-all-that-chic & @def-initely-soul <3 <3

☆ Rules ☆

- Answer these questions about yourself and tag people!

☆ About You ☆

Hair Color? Dark Bown.

Is your hair long or short? Boyish short. As in nonexistent As in I’m still freaking out over my last haircut

Eye Color? Dark Green.

Blood Type? O+. (are you coming for my organs? Jokes on you, I already sold a kidney to afford the Eyes on You Tour)

Nickname(s)? Lyly, Lys, that Jaebum thirsty b*tch

Relationship Status? Single.

Pronouns? She/Her.

Tattoos? Two. A Fleur de Lys to represent my French heritage, behind my right ear. A Harry Potter one on my right foot, just above my toes.

Piercings? 5. Three on my left lobe. One on my right lobe. And my belly button, cuz it’s Britney B*tch.

Do you want (more) piercings or tattoos? Probably. lol.

Right or Left handed? Right.

Zodiac? LEO..

☆ RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU… ☆

Eating? Tom Yum chicken soup.

Drinking? Red Bull. (it’s on the side, waiting for after I finish my meal. I’m not that much of a weirdo.)

Listening to? Candy Cane - Taeyeon. (My K-Christmas Spotify playlist)

About to watch? Listen to a Reply All podcast. (does it count?)

Waiting for? Trivia night at our usual pub, the theme is Disney this week.

☆ THE LAST… ☆

Phone Call? My brother. He was picking me up to go eat dumplings.

Text Message? A guy name Erik. I texted him: “I’m looking for more. I’m not only a hook up.” (I promised there was a context lol). He replied 24 HOURS LATER: “Alright, that’s understandable.”

Song you listened to? Confession Song - GOT7

Last time you cried? I listened to a Reply All (I’m obsessed) investigation about racist bullying in private college and cried. Racism. Bullying. what a horrible and sad world we live in where people of colour can’t feel safe and accepted. ever. 😞

☆ HAVE YOU EVER… ☆

Dated someone twice? No. I barely dated once lol.

Kissed someone and regretted it? Oh yeah.

Kissed a stranger? Yep. Plz refer to the previous question 🤣

Been cheated on? No.

Had sex on a first date? Yeah...

Lost someone special? Not really. (apart from death, idk if that counts)

Been depressed? First year of Uni.

Drank hard liquor? Oh yeah. I tried Absinthe yesterday actually. Regretted my life decisions in under 5 minutes.

Gotten drunk and thrown up? Yes. Tequila

Talked to a person named Tom? ... sure...

Had surgery? Yes, a plastic one at that. Ask away.

Lost your glasses? Like... at least once a month? lol

Turned someone down? Yes. I’m getting real good at it.

Broken someone’s heart? Yes. Unfortunately.

Had your heart broken? No. I’m a freaking stone wall that never lets anyone in. lol.

Been arrested? Not yet. 😇 The cops still haven’t found the bodies.

Cried when someone died? Yes.

Fallen for a friend? No. Never been in love.

☆ IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU… ☆

Made new friends? Yes. Mostly online.

Fallen out of love? No.

Laughed until you cried? Everytime I hang out with my besties, so at least twice a week lol.

Found out someone was talking about you? No.

Met someone who changed you? No.

Found out who your friends are? No... I already know them by heart after all those years. They never disappoint 😍

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list? That Erik is my fb friend, so yeah.

☆ FAVOURITE… ☆

Drink? Red Bull.

Color(s)? Green, Red, AHGASE GREEN.

TV Show(s)? Friends.

Sport(s)? Hockey. Karaté.

Movie(s)? The Exorcist (1973) or Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

Actor(s)? Michael B. Jordan. Lee Jehoon.

☆ DO YOU BELIEVE IN… ☆

Miracles? Nope.

Love at first sight? Ugh... not really. But my parents got infatuated at first sight and still are together after waya over 30 years.

Santa Claus? No. Am I 8?

Kissing on a first date? Depends on the person, you know when the mood is right.

Angels? No.

Yourself? YEAH

☆ WHICH IS BETTER? ☆

Hugs or Kisses? Kisses.

Lips or Eyes? Eyes smile

Shorter or Taller? Taller...

Older or Younger? similar age (or younger? Chan... and Jaebum. oh my goodness, I’m in trouble!)

Nice arms or nice stomach? Arms. BACK. SHOULDERS

Hookup or relationship? Relationship. LOL, reffer to previous question definitely relationship.

Troublemaker or hesitant? Hesitant. (for him? Hesitant. I cause enough trouble for two. you’re welcome.)

☆ RANDOM ☆

What’s your best friend’s name? my squad is pretty tight from high school. But Sab (@hobi-my-hubby), Reb, Étienne & Flo (@florenceisnottrash), our newest addition.

What is something you can’t wait for? rn Christmas.

What time did you wake up today? 8:00am.

Do you want to change your name? No. I like Lysandre a lot.

What did you do for your last birthday? 25 is a big number. So a big family party with around 40 people in a outfitter near Montreal. We drank from dusk to dusk lol and enjoyed a lot of nautical sports.

What were you doing at midnight last night? not gonna lie. reading fics.

What is something that gets on your nerves? RUDENESS.

Do you have a crush on someone? No.

What’s your most visited website? Tumblr.

Where do you want to go on vacation? Asia in general. New York, Boston, since those a road trip achievable.

What kind of trainers do you like/wear? Champion. Reebok.

How many Facebook friends do you know IRL? about 96%

Do you have pets? GLAD YOU ASK. At the flat, a kiity named Xena the Warrior Princess. At my parents, two Cornish Rex cats: Kaly & Monroe.

Do you want to get married? I’d like it, mostly for the lovely party and occasion to all celebrate love with my friends and fam, but it’s really not important for me.

What career do you want to have? I mean... I’m adulting rn

What is something you want? Win the trivia tonight (free beer), quality time with my friends & for my family to be healthy.

What do you like about yourself? I like myself a lot tbh, haha. I have flaws, but I work on them. I’m etremely loyal and resilient, two qualities that are really important to me, so there’s that.

Tagging: @1lovemarklee, @yehet-me-up, @hobi-my-hubby & @jeonocho

#Get to know me #Tagged

12 notes · View notes

we-are-the-sickness · 7 years ago

Note

1-100, go go go

1. NameSavanna2. Age193. City that you live inYuma, Arizona atm4. What do most people not know about you?That I learned a bit of Hebrew as a child5. What do most people know you for?Idk tbh jokes ig6. HobbiesArt,, singing,, writing,, archery,,, etc etc7. What are your passions?So much hnstly. Cooking, agriculture, helping the helpless, art, the stars, music 100%8. What do you search for in a significant other?compassion, kindness, someone who wants to spend time w me, affection etc7. What are you most proud of?Im proud of my friends! does that count or8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?hec idk tbh9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?Rocks fkn collected hella rocks. also antlers n shit u know Midwesterners10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.Visit ScotlandGo to law schoolBe in a bandSell my art at some pointlearn how to sew n knit n all that shitTake Gemi, steve, and lukas and mayb steves brother if hes available on a road trip11. What was the last thing you learned?THAT I WAS MISHEARING S LYRIC IN TWO MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT FOR YEARS12. How many relationships have you been in?Like 4 i think 3 or 413. Turn onsIdk certain ppls voices are mega turn ons, genuine kindness, JESUS IDK I CANT THINK14. Turn offssmellin bad, bein a dic, know it all 15. Favorite foodMexican food!!! asian food!!!16. Favorite drinkraspberry tea or Hurricanes17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?My guitar tbh altho i still cant rly play its a big part of my heart18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?Logical.19. Do you sleep during class?nah20. What is the most expensive thing you own?probably my guitar and amp lmao21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?hmm idk22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?too fuckin many23. Text or call?depends on where i am lmao24. Opinion on long distance?In it rn pal25. What is your definition of success?Consistent happiness 26. Favorite song?Rn bc of Gemi ive been falling asleep to Panteras cover of planet caravan so i think thats my favorite as of this second27. Favorite artist?too gotdam many28. Celebrity crush/crushes?have u seen this bloge29. When was the last time you read for fun?early last month 😪30. Favorite flower?Sun flowers, Lilies, Irises31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?reassurance, flowers, a hug idk affection32. Any guilty pleasures?Fuckin...buying quality cheeses ,,33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?My whole damn self THROW THE WHOLE DAMN HUMAN AWAY34. What do you search for in a friend?funny, kind, smart35. How many times have you said “I love you” in the past month?fuc idk36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?McDonald's for some Nugs boyeo37. Why do bad things happen to good people?The universe can b a cruel bitch bro idk38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?well ive been left out of plenty things and yeah they hurt but a piece of metal in me eye would be rather unpleasant 39. How many green shirts do you own?2 i think40. Do you like anime?Bleach and deathnote were all i ever watched41. What do you invest the most time in?keeping my parents alive 42. What was the name of the last book you read?"Up from the cradle of Jazz (New Orleans music since WW2)"43. What’s the difference between loving and liking someone?thats like asking me the difference between olives and like idk a burritoi like olives but i love burritos ya know44. Where are you most productive?usually anywhere as long as im by myself 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.EatingPlaying board gamesDoin shit outside46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.everything everpretty much47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?Probably not48. Do you have any allergies?yea49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?today lmao50. What was the last promise you made?jeeze idk51. What was your last dream about?i was dreaming abt telling my dad how to wash clothes52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?SAMM GEMI STEVE NICK N LUKAS53. How many countries have you visited?never rly been outside of the country ive been next to the Canadian border and im currently living abt 20 minutes from Mexico 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)music first n foremost but painting comes in second56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?idk i cant remember ig56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?hair lmao57. Do you consider yourself mature?I think so yeah 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?too damn many59. What is your favorite quote?some stupid ass corey quote that ivw been saying for years 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?RespectAlways Understand different point of viewsLove unconditionally 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?Idk still to this day i think my greatest accomplishment has been being able to teach adults n children archery on the weekends and at certain festivals. I miss that62. Do you believe in the death penalty?Im on the fence about all that63. What are your goals for life?Stability 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?HOPEFULLY SLEEPING65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.i used to have visions of a place with meadows and a large creek running through it with moutains in the bg, lots of space for fruit trees n bees66. What were you like in 2013?suicidal and just an absolute wreck of a child hnstly 67. Do you have a job?My job is taking care of my mother atm68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.akfhakfh His name was Ezra and my dad built his families vacation home across the street from ours so we were pretty close. I think my favorite memory was when his dad Brooke brought us out on their pontoon boat to fish. Had a lot of fun w that kid, i miss him.69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?THE LACK OF COMPASSION PPL HAVE70. How many all-nighters have you pulled beforeTOO MANY71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?idk if i have a favorite website tbh?72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?almost anything 73. Does money equal happiness?unfortunately in my situation yeah74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?6 times 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?776. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?ya had to be there kinda jokes77. When was the last time you looked at the news?this afternoon 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?pewp79. What is your favorite animal?wolves80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?oh fuck yeah dude 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?🤔 jesus idk82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?late and not enough 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?god no84. What is your favorite clothing store?idk tbh85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?beanies86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?wings87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?yes 88. What do you fear the most?apparently since im a pisces technically, its loneliness 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?none lmfao90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?200591. Describe yourself in one word.Brave92. Describe your last victory.Jeeze idk im half asleep now 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?Last time i was in Phoenix i saw a rly old meth head on a scooter w a meth prostitute humping him from behind whilst smoking a cig94. What is something you will never forget?Seeing Aerosmith 💕💕95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?thats hard for me bc since i have rly bad dissociation i try to reply my life in my head at night so that i actually don't forget things but also i rly want to forget so its a double edged sword96. Have you ever broken a bone before?not yet! give it another year97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?love98. Coffee or tea?both!99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?Let myself be creative unapologeticly100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?probably an hr and a half in total PROBABLY 2 NOW BC OF THIS ASKTHNK U❤️

3 notes · View notes

dramaticerror · 4 years ago

Text

1. Lan Wangji = Wei Wuxian :D

2. Wangxian, traumaless. :(

3. Wei Wuxian is back, and Lan Wangji grabs him by the hand. :)

4. The bowing in the ancestral hall. :3

5. The single moment when Jin Zixuan was not being cocky with Wei Wuxian, and damn the universe didn't approve. :/

6. Of course, Wangxian duh. :D

7. The novel Mo Dao Zu Shi, the manhua, the donghua and CQL/The Untamed (BEST ADAPTATION, everything else accentuates it should be watched first, and rewatched as you consume the book)

8. Nie Huiasang

9. None as of yet, a dear friend skims them for me. :P

10. Wangxian living outside Gusu in contentment, and have their personal domestic and nightly routine no one hushes about. :)

11. Wangxian 🔞 (Okay, this is my 70% search content.) :D

12. Many, but one that breaks my heart is when Wei Wuxian returns from the Burial Mounds and Lan Wangji is like "Oh no, dafuq happened to the man I fell in love with. He's sexier, I wanna kiss him rn, but he's also not my happy adorable Wei Ying. :(( And then he goes and cries when his presence is rejected by Wei Wuxian (for various reasons). :p

13. Jiang Cheng - the biggest standalone drama queen there is!

14. SU SHE

15. Song Lan & Xiao Xingchen 100%

16. Wei Wuxian smiling, being cute and killing my heart out of habit and Lan Wangji being silent at the exact right moments.

17. Lan Sizhui, mah babe.

18. Jiang Fengmian

19. Wen Ning, Lan Sizhui, Jiang Yanli, Xiao Xingchen

20. Xue Yang

21. Post CQL fanons

22. Wang Ling Jiao

23. Wangxian chemistry and telepathy

24. Nie Mingjue, *won't speak of it*

25. Su She, again

26. Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian (he can be first, but JinLing won't agree), Jin Guangyao

27. Jiang Fengmian, Wen Rouhan

28. Nie Mingjue or even Huiasang (won't say nhs looking at the fandom tho)

29. I like what Wei Wuxian likes, I die for spices.

30. Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue

31. Jiang Clan

32. Laughing is not permitted, befriending Wei Wuxian also.

33. Linearly bleh character

34. Wei Wuxian as the fearsome Yiling Patriatch

35. Jiang Cheng :(

36. Nie Mingjue

37. CQL, of course.

38. Wei Wuxian

39. Wangxian moments

40. Lan Zhan

41. Potatoes

42. Wen Qing

43. Spells/Talismans

44. Mian Mian

45. Sword

46. Will have to look into my endless open tabs again lol

47. None

48. Lan Xichen

49. Grayest of grays

50. "From a long distance away, the Qin can be heard again, Chen Qing is still sounding..."

51. Tea

52. All. blogs. even. minutely. discussing. MDZS. are. my. instant. favs.

53. Inquiry and Demonic Cultivation (latter cooler by 0.00001%)

54. Cloud Recesses

55. Wei Wuxian's forced into Demonic Cultivation

56. Wangxian

57. Nie Mingjue lol

58. Wangxian posters, only for extremely extremely special people to see.

59. Nie Huiasang, definitely what the author wanted

60. Lan Wangji

61. Zidian (in terms of sexiness), Wangji (in terms of strength), Chenqing (in terms of swag parameter unmatched)

The Untamed / MDZS ask game

Favourite Character

What would _______ be in a _______ AU

Happiest Moment

Best Symbolism

Biggest WTF moment

Favourite Ship

Which Adaptations Have You Consumed

Most Confusing Part In The Story

A Fanon You Dislike

Favourite Fanfic Set-Up

Tags You Mostly Filter On Ao3 For

Saddest Moment

Fanciest Character Design

Weakest Character

Any Ship You Like Besides WangXian

Favourite Habit

Purer Cinnamon Role Than Wen Ning

Something You Want To Change In The Story

Cinnamon Role Meme (4 Characters)

Favourite Villain

A Fanon You Like

Most Annoying Person

The Thing You Liked Most In The Series

______ has a ______ kink

Least Favourite Character

Who is Jinling’s favourite uncle (ranking)

Character Design That Is Just “Meh”

Most Underrated Character

Lan Cuisine Or Lotus Root Soup?

A Ship You Like But People Have A Lot Of Opinions About

What Sect Would You Like To Be A Member Of?

Lan Sect Rule That Would Be The Hardest To Obey

How Do You Feel About Lan Qiren

Favourite Arc

Who Is The Biggest Disaster

Character You Would Have Liked To Have More Background/Screen-Time

Favourite Adaptation

Strongest Character

The Thing You Liked Most About The Novel

Who’s Voice Is Your Favourite?

Potatoes Or Turnips?

Favourite Female Character

What Style Of Cultivation Would Suit You

Who Would You Like To Be Your S/O

Your Instrument Of Choice In A Fight?

Favourite Fanfic / A Fanfic You Want To Recommend

Character You Want To Adopt

Who Tries To Befriend Lan Yuan First When He Grows Up In Cloud Recesses?

Is Nie Huaisang More Of A Goody Or A Baddy?

Favourite Song / Part Of The OST

Tea Or Emperor’s Smile?

Favourite MDZS Related Blog

Coolest Concept

Favourite Place

A Story-Arc That Haunts You

Who Would You Take On A Night Hunt?

Scariest Monster/Spirit etc.

What Would You Place In Your Secret Chamber Behind The Mirror?

Character That Surprised You The Most

Favourite Character Development

Best Weapon

761 notes · View notes

wiym · 4 years ago

Text

MY BIRTH STORY

Trigger warning/s: Birth trauma and postnatal mood disorders

Less than a quarter of healthy, low risk, first time parents will have a normal birth in an Australian hospital. With the recent release of Birth Time: the documentary in Australia and New Zealand, I felt that revisiting my birth story was timely.

It’s a clichéd adage but it’s true: for me, the birth plan went well and truly out the window. In fact, it was never let into the building.

EST. READING TIME: 5 minutes

In my early twenties, I used to avoid making eye contact with the family planning section at the chemist. These days I have an emergency stash of tests in my bedside drawer. I’m not even late - my period tracker says it’s due today - but I have a nagging feeling that won’t go away.

I pee on the stick, and there’s only one line. Oh well. I shrug, insouciant, throw out the test and go about my day.

Until four in the afternoon, when I sit bolt upright on the couch and realise that I, generally a rule follower, hadn’t waited for that result. In fact, the box tells you to wait five minutes. So much for sitting on the couch with an egg timer.

I dig through the bin and in my shaking hands is a positive pregnancy test (note: those trying to conceive affectionately refer to this as a BFP). I test again, and again. I can’t wait, I race in my car to Victoria Park where my boyfriend of two years is working, with three BFPs sitting in the cup holder.

And so begins the uncontrollable for the Type A control freak.

In a pandemic, there are already things I can’t control. I’m redeployed to a different unit at my work and can no longer take potential COVID patients.

I’m anxious, exhausted and most of all - experiencing morning sickness that will turn into hyperemesis. Then, I have to take extended time off work.

As I do with most things, I jump straight into the deep end of pregnancy world and obsessively research. I avoid the foods you’re meant to avoid, and I buy all of the pre-baby accoutrements. Birthing ball, new yoga mat (and maternity yoga pants to boot), and the books. Oh my god, the books.

I do the hypnobirthing classes and listen to birthing stories while hiking with my dogs.

Being pregnant is simultaneously my new persona and hobby. I honestly still wouldn’t change a thing now, in spite of what I know, because even through vomiting for 7, nearly 8, months; I love being pregnant with all my heart.

I neatly type up a birth plan, beautifully formatted and fonted. Natural, natural, natural. No episiotomy. No pain relief. Don’t even offer it to me - I’ll ask. No interventions unless necessary. Delayed cord clamping. Immediate skin to skin. Quiet, low lighting, music. To me, this was a covenant between myself and the computer. Absolute, resolute and set in stone.

By the third trimester my partner and I have the hospital bag meticulously packed, nursery ready, and the big waiting game to do. Eager for our little family to be complete.

At my 38 week appointment, our obstetrician informs us that baby isn’t showing any signs of coming any time soon. I take that as a challenge and research a litany of labour-inducing old wives’ tales.

PSA: none of these actually work. If you are healthy with no complications, your baby will come when ready. Don’t rush. Even when you feel as if you can’t possibly be pregnant for single millisecond more. Your baby isn’t term until 40 weeks.

But here’s the kicker; the impending threat of an induction and/or caesarean looms overhead. I’m told I am a small girl. He appears to be a big baby. His head isn’t engaged at all. And that the clock is ticking.

Now I wonder what might have happened had that idea never been put into my head. If I had been given the space to accept my birth as it would come. Real birth. Normalised.

The pitfalls don’t just lie with mainstream media. You are being sold something. The expensive classes will tell you that having a natural birth without medication is possible, if you buy our book. The private obstetrician will tell you that you need an induction, an epidural, a caesarean; pay us.

At 39 weeks, the Friday before Christmas, my baby is showing signs of coming. What follows is 9 days of latent, or prodromal, or pre, or (my least favourite term) false labour.

On the Monday we go into hospital. With contractions 3 minutes apart, we are told my cervix and uterus aren’t agreeing. Simply put: head isn’t engaging, cervix isn’t dilating. And that I’ll know it when I’m in real labour.

During the week that follows I try exercises from Spinning Babies to get some relief from the round the clock contractions, Jack gives me massages and on one night I even give a glass of red wine and a bubble bath a go.

Websites that want to sell me something tell me that it’s because I’m too stressed for the labour to progress. Try our tea.

Why are we capitalising on something so sacred as birth?

I walk with one foot on the curb and one foot on the path - and I do this for kilometres. Through King’s Park in 30-degree heat. Along the coast. Around the neighbourhood.

On Christmas Eve, I can’t sleep, speak or move through the contractions and we wait as long as possible. We camp on the fold out bed in the living room (those without air conditioning throughout improvise), the birthing playlist quietly crooning and candles burning. I do my breathing and mantras; relax, relax, relaaaaax. And the contractions stop as abruptly as they started, 20 hours later.

I cry. Low keening, animalistic sobbing. I don’t understand what is happening to me. I don’t feel confident in making the choice whether or not to go to the hospital anymore.

They tell you the hospital is the safest place to birth and in the same breath tell you to avoid the hospital unless you’re damn near crowning.

I’m new to this. It’s my first time. I feel scared, unsupported and alone. I’m in so much pain.

I just want to meet my baby.

Barely two days later, I shake Jack awake. I’ve got a Miss Clavel feeling. Something is not right. Instinctively I know that after nine days of exhausting labour that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, I will be too tired to push.

I call the hospital and ask if I can come in.

Have you just had enough? A voice asks on the other end.

So I don’t take the Panadol or the shower or the bath. We roll into the birthing unit and I’m put on the monitor. Like the High Striker at a fairground, I get the sense that the rolling peaks on the screen need to reach acceptable heights before I’m taken seriously.

The midwife is watching for decelerations, which don’t happen, but also doesn’t see any accelerations. My baby is tired, and I don’t blame him.

And then I am asked the question.

What do you want to get out of being in hospital today? Do you want to have your baby?

I nod, because yes. So comes the new plan. Break my waters and start the syntocin drip tomorrow. Temazepam and Panadeine Forte tonight. So quickly everything I imagined for my birth is going out the window, but I’m desperate.

The next morning we waddle into the birthing suites to start my induction bright and early. I feel robbed of the moment my waters break as it is cracked with something that looks like a crochet hook on a glove. With a gush and then a steady trickle, all the amniotic fluid keeping my baby safe and sound floods out. My obstetrician tells me it’s meconium stained, the paediatric RN in me fleetingly panics. But it is all systems go. I race from active labour to transition. I can only focus on the contractions.

I want my mum.

I’m offered the epidural I’d refused the day prior again but I shake my head. Not in the birth plan. Gas and air only, please. I end up screaming into the Entonox mouthpiece every 2 minutes and throw up all over myself before I allow myself the grace of an epidural. Which only works for about fifteen minutes before I’m once again writhing and screaming, one leg ice numb but the rest of me on fire. Intense pressure between my legs, the urge to push. But it’s only been a couple hours.

My mum arrives in the hospital. On the birth plan, she was meant to be waiting outside. She stands near me now, in the birthing suite.

I’m making noises I am not proud of and inform my midwife of my need to push. Oh, it’s too soon? Pardon me. Before the midwife’s assessment I steel myself to be told I am nowhere near, after a week of disappointment and being nowhere near.

Oh. You’re having a baby.

I ask if we need to wait for the doctor when she tells me she’s calling my obstetrician.

No, she laughs. You don’t have to wait.

With my knees to my chest, I’m told to stop pushing and so I stop. Afterwards, my partner tells me that our son was getting distressed despite my best efforts to get him out and the obstetrician was pulling back on the cord that was tight around his neck. And my poor tired baby’s heart rate drops dangerously. I’m given a deadline to push him out, but I can’t and I’m given the episiotomy I had expressly verboten on my birth plan. He is vacuum assisted out. He is safe.

I’m handed a small, beanlike baby covered in blood and vernix. I kiss him and end up with blood on my face. He doesn’t cry.

He’s taken off my chest and it feels like the longest pause before he lets out the best scream I’ve ever heard.

My mum looks at me. He’s beautiful, she mouths. Is he okay? He’s okay.

My partner cuts the cord. No delayed cord clamping, breathing is more important. Oliver is soon enough placed back onto my chest.

And he is beautiful.

What starts days later as the baby blues progresses into postnatal depression and anxiety. It took me a long time to accept what happened was birth trauma. That my birth story is ridiculously common, even amongst my group of friends, and that’s not due to our failure as the birthing parent. I can’t tell you how long I felt I only had myself to blame for having false expectations. And how much value I put into my ability to birth the “right” way as a direct translation of my ability to mother. How I felt that my son’s birth complications were my fault (it wasn’t). Too many Australian birthing parents are made to feel this way.

So I write this birth story once more, and I let go of what happened for my own sake. I didn’t fail. My son is beautiful, and worth every second of the agony it took to get him here.

A previous version of this post was published on my friend’s blog Mummy Neutral as ‘Type A and the Uncontrollable Pre-Labour’ in January 2021.

Please check her blog out as she posts some really raw and beautiful insights into pregnancy, birth and motherhood.

If you’re feeling distressed about anything discussed or about your own birth experience, please click the life ring symbol at the top of my blog for some helpful links. Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you need immediate assistance.

Birth Time: the documentary is showing in select cinemas now. You can visit the website to find out more and if you have birthed in Australia in the last 5 years, you can complete a survey about your experience.

#blog #birthing #April 2021

1 note · View note