#i literally have no words for rage anymore. especially since i cant do anything

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

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[aenniesryu]

tsukikage middle school exes

tsukishima kei and kageyama tobio. both in their first year of high school and are also teammates since they played in the same vb team for their school

ofc everyone is well aware of the fact that these two kind of hated each other. not that it was an obvious fact to begin with since ever from the beginning the two would constantly bicker and throwing insults at one another

however, that was it. that was the only thing everyone knows about the two. the team even had to separate the two of them when things escalated quickly just to make sure none of them will started to throw fits

no one knows the actual reason as to why they would bicker every so often. the team just thought that the two have so different perceptions towards volleyball that makes them so hard to get along with

the team did tried to help them to get along but it just ended up with them constantly at each others throat arguing about whatever it is

what the team actually didnt know is that tsukishima and kageyama once dated back then in their middle school days.

so basically the entire thing going on between those two were just them being salty because of 1) the break up and also 2) their mindset when it comes to volleyball

tsukishima and kageyama once dated before despite them not attending the same school

but, both were living in the same neighbourhood and their houses were basically next to each other making it easier for them to constantly see each other

however, that was a year ago before kageyama's family decided to move to another neighbourhood

no, the break up was not because of them moving because they would still see each other if they put more efforts in it

the break up on the other hand was because of this one major thing. it was a silly reason but nevertheless it was the thing that made them broke up and that thing is volleyball

yes, volleyball. even tho both were playing for their respective teams back in middle school, their perspective when it comes to volleyball differs too much.

kageyama being the volleyball freak he is would just spent most of his times practicing his serve. even on the weekends. tsukishima, however didnt really took it seriously when it comes to volleyball ever since it was just a club anyway, right?

with kageyama spending more and more time with his practice, tsukishima was left alone. they barely even get to meet each other because of them being in different schools and then kageyama's free time was now full with volleyball alone

tsukishima might felt a lil bit jealous since kageyama, his boyfriend at that time would constantly talked about oikawa. it's always oikawa this and oikawa that. he knows kageyama only meant no harm and hes just looking up onto his senior who plays really well.

tsukishima was fine with that. yeah, he really does because never once did he ever tell kageyama to shut up whenever he talks about oikawa.

what was not fine was that kageyama spent the only free time they had on volleyball. it was the only time that they would be able to hang out and go outside but suddenly it stopped. no more seeing each other, no more dates and no more talking to each other

yes, kageyama did tell him over and over again that he feels sorry and that he just needs to prepare himself to be the best for their team

tsukishima did understand him but as time passed by, tsukishima became selfish. well that's what he thought. hes tired of waiting. he shouldn't be blamed when all he wanted was for his boyfriend attention

then 2 months before the very important match for kageyama, tsukishima went and break things off. and just like that they are no longer boyfriends or friends

kageyama moving to another neighbourhood just make things a lil bit easier since they wont be seeing each other anymore after the break up

"What the fck was that kageyama?" Tsukishima is now in rage with his once called boyfriend. They were in the middle of a practice match where they were divided into two different teams and just to make them work along together and maybe become friends, coach ukai and daichi thought it would be the best to put them into the same group. Oh how wrong they were because now they are fight again.

"I just did what's the best for the team. All you need to do is jump a lil bit higher than usual for that toss. you are already tall enough, make sure of it for once" kageyama was surprisingly calm when he said that but only god knows how scared he felt whenever tsukishima raised his voice at him because he got irritated. it wasnt a pleasant sight to see and get into especially when tsukishima is dmn mad. like the situation they are in now.

"yes my height alone is enough and that is why, you as the setter should take in mind that I would perfectly score if you just tossed me the ball right at where my hand can reach. making me go through all the hard work just to reach that fcking ball you threw is just wasting my energy" tsukishima is really not having it. not only did kageyama sent him a high ball, hes also pissed that kageyama made him wasted his energy in jumping higher than he normally do.

"excuse me? I'm just doing what's the best for the team. I'm taking out that fcking capability that you have in you that you decides to freaking hide and toss it away, just because you think putting an effort even the slightest of it into the match is a waste of your time" now kageyama started to boiled up. he knows that tsukishima has a lot of talent when it comes to volleyball, he knows that really well. perks of being his boyfriend throughout their middle school years. well honestly kageyama thinks tsukishima is just wasting his talent with his kind of mindset.

everyone at the gym are just staring and listening to them arguing. daichi was closed to tear them apart and continue with the practice match, but before he can do that sugawara stop him. daichi was not having it but sugawara had something else in mind. he thinks that maybe them arguing this time would make the rest of the team to get a grip on what making them argue in the first place. and maybe the truth would unfold without them needing to ask tsukishima and kageyama. coach ukai seems to have the same thoughts too since he make no moves in stopping them. so the team just understands and silently look at them and wait for more.

"I dont get your obsession with drawing the team's talent or whatsoever because you ended up getting more demanding. I thought you were a setter. didnt setter usually can already feel his teammates thoughts? im here just doing what I have to do during practice and waiting for it to end like it always did but you? you just have to screw up everything. im already tired but you clearly didnt see that! just what kind of a setter who acted like a dictator and yet hes not even the leader of the team? tell me!" tsukishima yelled his frustration out. he wants this to end just so he can go back to his house and do whatever he finds interesting. and basically volleyball is not one of them.

kageyama didnt said anything after that. he felt bad and all the memories from when his old team abandoned him during a play starter clouding his mind. to make it worse he's on the verge of breaking down. his eyes are filled with tears but he held them back. hearing those things from someone you love didnt really felt the greatest.

"what? now you decided to stayed silent? why? just realizing how my words are true and theres no point in denying it? did you ever just sit back and think about how your shitty your attitude is in court? about how tired your teammates felt trying to satisfy you? this is literally the reason why your old teammate decided to abandoned you in the middle of the match. because you are so demanding and it stresses them out more than the actual game is" just when he finished saying what he needed to say, kageyama slap him. when tsukishima turn to see him, kageyama is already crying.

"YOU! out of all people in this world should know how important volleyball is to me. you should've known that theres literally nothing I can do aside from volleyball. you shouldn't have said that if you know what I went through the entire year. and then at the end? what did I get? I get abandoned. not only by my teammates but I was also abandoned by my own family. just to make things even worse, you fcking break up with me at the times when I needed you the most kei. the one person i thought that would always stay by my side. but you didn't even listen to the shit I have to tell you because you completely shut me off. I went through every single thing alone. All by myself. I practice alone, think of the best strategies for my own team on my own because I was pressured AND threatened by the coach, I came back to an empty house and freaking live alone. theres no one I can even call and relied to!! I cant even call the person I love because hes sick of me. all I ever wanted was people to appreciate my efforts even tho it's only in volleyball. I wanted YOU to be proud of me above anything else because I cant reach your level when it comes to academic. I wanted to be perfect for you and all I ever wanted was for people around me to be proud of me for the one thing I'm capable of but all I get is people abandoning me!!"

silence. theres no sound can be heard in the gym aside from kageyama's heavy breathing. everyone is just stunned with the sudden confession. not only did they just heard kageyama's biggest fear but they also heard the part where he mentioned about their break up. tsukishima and kageyama were a thing before? they were dating? since when?"

"tobio-" tsukishima breaks the silence. hes panicking but he didn't know what do to because everything is just too sudden and all he can think of is how shitty of a boyfriend he was during the time that they were dating. thats what his brain has been saying. after all never once did he ever asked how kageyama was feeling. he was indeed selfish and everything is all his fault. if only he stayed-

kageyama seems to snapped back into reality when he heard tsukishima called him by his given name. he panicked. he just spilled everything in front of the team.

"i-im sorry. I should just go home. I'm really sorry you guys have to witness such a pity side of myself" kageyama chuckled and wipe his tears. "coach, i would like to take a break from the team for the time being. again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'll see you guys later" and with that kageyama walked out of the gym ignoring his teammates eyes and the calls.

"what the hell just happened" tanaka said as the argument really is tensed and they literally just heard something that is kept secret between tsukishima and kageyama.

"tsuki, you and kageyama-" yamaguchi said softly as to not add any more anger in tsukishima. after all tsukishima kind of had an anger issue.

"ugh fuck, yes we did." tsukishima sigh. theres really nothing he can do. everyone knows and they probably think its his fault anyways. but the team has the opposite thoughts than him

"I honestly dont know what to say" sugawara said to him. he really wanted to help but it's not in his power to do so. all he can do is give them advice.

"ha, no need. I already know it's my fault. you guys can blame me. I would gladly accept it"

"What? No" were the replies he get from his team members. he was clueless coz after all kageyama wouldnt turn into a tyrant if only he stayed and didnt leave.

"we didnt blame you. both of you were young that time it was just normal for you to feel he loved you less. but you two lack in communication which leads to this whole entire mess. idk what you two went through and how long you've been together, it's not my business. but, all I can say is that you two need some closure. and clearly none of you even moved on from the past. arguing with each other every other day isnt the healthiest way to cope with the break up. just please sort this out with him. hes in pain and so are you." enoshita who has been quite the entire time decided to speak up. he do got a point especially with that lack communication between tsukishima and kageyama. sooner or later he needed to settle this whole mess before it started to drag the entire team. kageyama is the regular player in their team, and even with sugawara who can replace him as a setter, kageyama really is needed in the team. hinata also needed kageyama.

"I know I'm the last person you want to hear this from.. but tsukishima please bring kageyama back to the team. I needed him. the team too. and I think you needed him too. so please, I will do whatever it takes to help get him back into the team" hinata cried out. after all they were the freaky duo. they relied more on one another.

"but didnt kageyama only asked to take a break? it's not like he would just quit" nishinoya chipped in. "indeed he said that, but we are not sure on how long would the break be. it can be days, weeks, months and even years." coach ukai reasoned.

"let's just stop here. you guys can go home now. I will cancel tomorrow's practice so please just take a good rest. We'll continue our practice on the day after that. And you tsukishima" coach ukai added and turn to look at tsukishima with a soft look. It was a rare sight to see but they know it's for the best

"yes?"

"idk what you are planning to do. whether you sort things out and talk to kageyama or you didnt do anything about it is up to you. just clear out your minds whenever you came intl practice. we already less in one member, we didnt need to lose another one"

"thank you coach!"

listen, idek what I'm doing but I'm just gonna post this even tho I know it was bad because honestly when I reread this I felt truly nothing lmao but my friend said it was good/okay idk dont really trust her but hey, the very least I can do is post this here so I can move on(?) welp, enjoy ig.

[borat123]

Analysis Pro NH Anti NS

Naruto Manga Part 2

Part 6

Naruto comes back to the village after his Sage Training. He finds out that Pain has been looking for him and he has destroyed the village. Naruto is furious over what he has done and prepares to fight him, as he is the only one strong enough (with the help of Sage Mode). He has surpassed his previous generations, and is ready for his toughest battle yet. (I’ll wont be going over the battle as that’s not within the topic but i must say that it’s pretty frickin awesome).

As strong as he has become though, Pain is still too much for him and he is eventually defeated and pinned down by Pain. Naruto doesn’t have an answer to Pain’s question of how to achieve world peace. Naruto was losing hope, he was defeated and pinned down. He was about to give up and let Pain take him. Despair and hopelessness hits him as he didn’t have a better answer to Pain’s way of achieving peace. He had no hope of anyone going to save him, he had told them to not interfare in the battle. He was just about to be taken, but then......

Hinata jumps in attempting to save him. Naruto is in shock, he knows Pain is to much for anyone in the village to handle. Hinata declares that she wont let him lay another finger on Naruto. She had to hide behind a pole to talk to him in part 1 yet still managed to show that she understood him and bring him out of despair. But now she declares to the strongest enemy we have seen so far to not lay a finger on Naruto. She knows Pain is too strong for her, so she essentially prepares her final words to Naruto. Her statement about being selfish should NOT be taking literally, since it’s basically the most selfless act someone could do. What it really means is that she isn’t gonna run away anymore and let things remain hopeless, that during this moment she has become what she always wanted to be. Brave and strong and to never give up even if she keeps failing and things seems pointless and despairing. That’s why she’s not afraid to die, because she loves Naruto, but deeper than that, because at this moment she become what she always wanted to be.

Hinata starts her speech. Notice how Kishimoto zoomed in on Naruto’s eyes. Especially during the line ”i wanted to be with you”. Naruto’s eyes were shining and wide eyed. He treasured those words. Her speech touched him deeply, his reaction soon confirms this. Even Pain was paying attention (he knew some serious shit was going on).

Naruto is speechless. No one has ever said anything like this to him before. His whole life has been filled with nothing but hate and discrimination towards him. His whole life people have said ”dont go near him” ”you monster get away from me” ”i hate you, go die”. He was completly mesmerised even though he didn’t completly understand it. But deep down in his heart he did, and a reason why his amazement turned into complete and blind rage. Before i continue i just want to point something out here.

(Ignore the watermark lol)

Who were the ONLY ones that knew Naruto couldn’t fight Pain alone? His future MENTOR and his future WIFE. Just an interesting detail.

Hinata goes in to attack Pain. She reveals her own jutsu the Juho Soshiken. Pain uses a powerful Shinra Tensei and knocks her to the ground. Naruto witnessing all this screams out to Pain to stop just after he takes out his rod. Naruto’s despair is turning into rage. He wants to protect her so much, but he cant. He has ever since the chunnin exams during her fight with Neji. (Just an interesting detail that many people miss. The Juho Soshiken can shut down the opponents whole chakra network. This means that they cant use any ninjutsu if they get hit by hit. Pain could have just stabbed her like Madara easily did to Sakura, but he decided to use a powerful jutsu that has a drawback. This means that he felt threatened enough by her jutsu to use one of his most powerful jutsus. Pain actually felt more threatened by Hinata than Madara felt thretened by Sakura)

Pain compares Hinata’s death to how his loved ones were killed right before his eyes. His line ”Love breeds sacrifice, which breeds hatred” is actually referring to Hinata’s love for Naruto and Naruto’s love for her. Hinata’s sacrife (love) and Naruto’s hatred (love). Pain assumed that Hinata was the girl he loved and that his rage and hatred is responding to it. (He is right, he loved her subconsiously probably for years now, Pain is also a NaruHina shipper confirmed lol).

This was Naruto’s reaction to her death/stabbing.

Worst emotions he’d ever felt.

Written by Kishimoto himself. This is actually incredible when you consider what Naruto must have been through during his whole childhood.

I want to discuss something interesting here. To even achieve such a level of kyuubi rage, an incredible amount of negative emotions must be achieved which should not be underestimated. This is actually not the first time Naruto has triggered the kyuubi for Hinata (obviously not to this degree). During Neji’s mental attack on Hinata, Naruto was so enraged and angry that he was shaking and the kyuubi’s lips were displaying. He completly understood her situation as he also wanted to change himself. But seeing such a nice girl like Hinata (who at this point wanted to help him cheat to pass the test and gave him some healing ointment) being treated this way triggered a part of the kyuubi while he was trying to control his anger.

The second time was during his fight with Neji. While he was trying to summon kyuubi’s chakra he thought of Hinata (probably unknowingly) and his promise to her, and wishing for her to be watching him. My point is that Kishi had already established in part 1 that Hinata triggers very strong emotions to Naruto.

Also look at this cover for the Naruto Manga Volume 9:

Six scrolls and six tails. Was Kishimoto foreshadowing this moment? Or is it just a coincidence? Regardless really interesting stuff. Anyways that is all for now, here are the previous parts.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 7

[okietokiee]

Fic: Hjönk, Hjönk

Pairing: Skwisgaar Skwigelf/Toki Wartooth

Rating: M

I was really inspired by @picklespunchedme @bittebecca @sonderrbeee ‘s various fan art of clown!Skwisgaar 😳 thanks so much for letting me write a fic based on your gorgeous art!! 💕 

Summary: 

Skwisgaar makes some especially harsh remarks which cause Toki to start avoiding him, and the lack of contact is really starting to make the Swede’s sex drive go absolutely haywire. 

Fortunately, Skwisgaar comes up with a genius (albeit horrifyingly embarrassing) plan to make it up to his hot-tempered boyfriend lover. 

And Toki positively loves it. Perhaps a little too much. 

——————

Skwisgaar knew he had fucked up. 

After countless years of brutally harsh, biting criticisms and demeaning insults, Toki had finally had it. Normally he was able to take Skwisgaar’s comments, admittedly not always in a stride, but with minimal bloodshed (most of the time). And he wasn’t even completely sure what was different about today, about the disparaging remarks he’d grown used to throwing out daily. 

Maybe it was the stress of having to record a whole knew album from scratch? The stress of the rising tensions becoming so goddamn obvious lately? He knows he’s not the smartest person around, but you’d have to be blind to not see the cracks forming in their band’s already fragile dynamics. He knows it’s not just affecting Nathan and Pickles.

But whatever the underlying causes were, all it took was an offhand, “That’s was fuckins dildos, dos it agains idiots,” during a slow-moving rehearsal to get Toki raging like a spoiled five-year-old kid told that no, he could not have candy for dinner. 

After screeching and using his flying-V to destroy a fair amount of their studio and sound equipment, Toki had tired himself out and retired to his bedroom. 

He’d also taken to avoiding him for the past week. And maybe the Skwisgaar from a few years ago wouldn’t have (outwardly) cared so much, but ever since they’d shared an earth-shattering, momentous night together just months before, they’d both been inhabiting the same bed for a majority of nights. 

And, though Skwisgaar would rather die a painful death by firing squad than admit it to anyone, Toki had been the only person he’d been sleeping with ever since that night. He loathed to label it as anything serious, but that didn’t change the fact that he was painfully reluctant to break this surprising streak of faithfulness, his longest one yet. 

However, regardless of how much he didn’t want to sleep with anyone that wasn’t a dopey Norwegian guitar player with a penchant for tantrums and hissy fits, that didn’t change the fact that his sex drive was going fucking haywire. 

Storming into the Mordhaus living room, he irritably asked, “Has anyones seens our dildos rhythm guitarist?”

“Eh, I think he went out drinkin’ with thet clown again,” a stoned out Pickles mumbled from the couch. 

“Whats!? I thoughts we puts a restrainings orders on dat creep!”

Nathan sighed from a nearby desk, putting down his book. “Yeah, we did. But you know that kid. He just loves those fucking clowns.”

That unfortunate string of words made an idea pop up in Skwisgaar’s head. 

“…coulds you repeats dat?”

“I said he loves those goddamn clowns.”

“Nos, de odder words!”

Nathan glared, confused. “Those fucking clowns?” 

Skwisgaar grinned manically. “Ja! Dat weirdos loves fucking clowns!”

Pickles could be heard potentially dying of laughter a few feet away. 

Nathan narrowed his eyes, a disgusted grimace on his mouth. “I know you suck at English Skwisgaar, but ugh. That’s some brutal imagery.” 

Skwisgaar, ever the trooper, did not let the revolting thoughts affect him, as his plan was coming to fruition in his mind. Yes, Toki was annoyingly fond of childish gimmicks, clowns included. Toki could never even stay mad at Dr. Rockso, an old drugged-up, strung-out rock-and-roll clown, no matter what shit that creepy asshole put him through.

Yes, he knew what he had to do. He didn’t like it one bit, and it could potentially ruin his reputation completely if word ever got out that he even considered this.

But… 

Skwisgaar bit his lip, his thoughts suddenly full of brown whiskers and childish giggles. 

It would be worth it.

——————

Hours later, Skwisgaar was regretting every single choice he’d ever made in life that had led up to this point. He felt like a fool and looked like one too.

His only solace was that the random klokateer he’d ordered to find him this costume was no longer capable of ever blabbing his secret to anyone, at least in any way that involved a functional mouth. Or hands. 

And now he found himself pacing around Toki’s small room, waiting for the little dildo to get back home. The sound of his baggy blue and yellow pants swishing and the stomping of his large red shoes did nothing to alleviate his growing anxiety. 

Skwisgaar scratched at his neck, careful not to smudge any of the meticulously applied clown make-up he’d taken an hour to perfect. He was vaguely grateful that his experience with corpse paint made this endeavor slightly easier, but also horrified at exactly how naturally circus make-up came to him. 

As he was pondering his deteriorating mental state, he heard the door creak open and a surprised, ear-shattering, absolutely delighted squeal. 

Toki crashed face-first into his chest, holding tighter than a newborn koala to its mother. 

“Oh Odin! Yous a real cool clowns Skwisgaar!” Toki gleefully said, nuzzling the red ruffles around his neck. 

Skwisgaar was glad his red cheeks were camouflaged by the blindingly white paint. 

“Eugh… Ja, I guess I ams,” the Swede nonchalantly agreed, not meeting his lover’s eyes. 

Toki paused from his snuggling, and gazed adoringly up at Skwisgaar’s embarrassed face. 

“Skwisgaar… Dids you do dis because you know Tokis been mads at yous?”

Skwisgaar coughed awkwardly and avoided his gaze. “Maybes if a dumb dildos hadn’t beens avoidins me for sos long, it woulds not haves come to dis…”

Toki smirked. “Yous just proving Toki needs to do dat more often.” 

“Fucks you-!”

“Okej,” Toki cut him off with a contented sigh, cuddling into Skwisgaar’s colorful, silky costume even more.

This was the closest they’d been in a week, and Skwisgaar’s body was responding rather excitedly to their close proximity. 

Toki giggled, feeling the growing hardness coming from Skwisgaar’s loose trousers, and he pulled the Swede over to the bed and pushed him down, crawling right on top of him and going in for a deep, fervent kiss. With the right angle, Toki was able to avoid dislodging the bright red clown nose on his lover’s face. 

With a few well-practiced maneuvers Skwisgaar was able to bring Toki down to only his underwear, but when he made movements to remove his own ridiculous clothes he was stopped by a firm hold. 

“Nos, keeps it on.” Toki’s flushed, erotic expression was very convincing. 

“Ja, fines…” Skwisgaar groaned, canting his hips up, desperate for any kind of friction. 

Toki smiled, reaching for the lube that has been ever-present at his bedside table for the past few months. He took a moment to take in Skwisgaar’s smudged clown make-up and gorgeous, smoldering expression. The juxtaposition was disorienting. 

“Skwisgaar…?” 

“Ja Tokis?” 

“Do yous maybe… I knows we havent’s dones it likes dis yet, but,” Toki mumbled, his face red and expression coquettish, “I think I wants to tries to take it.”

Skwisgaar was at a loss for words, his mind (and body) already overheating. So far Toki had been the only one topping, citing his lack of experience with men and dislike of being dominated as his main reasons for wanting to avoid switching positions. And Skwisgaar hardly cared, always being very satisfied by Toki’s eager enthusiasm.

But the thought of finally being able to become so wholly one with Toki had Skwisgaar’s head spinning and heart racing. 

“Of course älskling, as long as yous ready,” Skwisgaar said, rubbing circles on Toki’s naked hips. 

Toki’s eager nodding was answer enough and then he wiggled out of his underwear. 

Skwisgaar leaned forward to get a hold of the lube, but Toki pushed him back down. 

“Yous just watch for nows,” Toki murmured with a sweet smile, opening the lube to prepare himself. 

Skwisgaar couldn’t handle watching a mewling, trembling Toki Wartooth preparing himself for long without feeling like he was going to literally explode into a cloud of confetti. The Swede pushed his own baggy pants down, not fully taking it off but exposing his painfully erect manhood. He moaned, giving himself a few strokes as he continued watching his lover teasing him. 

Finally, after what felt like eternity, Toki stopped and got another generous dollop of lube for Skwisgaar Jr. before lining himself up on the Swede’s lap. 

Skwisgaar watched enraptured as Toki slowly lowered himself down with a seductive whine and several sensuous movements of his hips. 

“Ah, fuckins hell Toki,” Skwisgaar cried, thrusting up desperately. 

Toki reciprocated in kind with more moans and wet, raunchy kisses, ruining a good portion of Skwisgaar’s make-up. 

As it was getting especially intense, their movements both in sync and frantic, Toki leaned down and did something incredibly peculiar and, honestly, kind of hot, at least to Skwisgaar’s current fucked-out-of-his-mind state. 

“Hjönk, hjönk,” Toki murmured with a smile as he squeezed the large, squeaky clown nose on Skwisgaar’s face with something akin to reverence. All without once pausing his fast, unmerciful pace. 

Skwisgaar was too goddamn horny and in love to question this, and he just responded by increasing his thrusts as well as his volume. 

“Ah, for the loves of Odins, Toki I’ms gonna-” he punctuated with a shout, feeling Toki tighten around him. 

After a long moment of blissful euphoria for both of them, Toki collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily and sneaking a few affectionate kisses along his neck. 

“So ams guessings you not mads anymore?” Skwisgaar snickered, running his fingers through Toki’s now tangled, sexily-ruffled hair. 

Toki giggled and playfully gave Skwisgaar’s big red nose, which surprisingly hadn’t fallen off at all during their vigorous lovemaking, a few more squeezes, filling the small room with obnoxiously loud honking noises. 

“Nah, buts if you does something like dis every time I gets mad at yous then I gonnas make sure to be angry evens more oftens.” Toki chuckled, snuggling up to Skwisgaar’s now cum and sweat stained clown costume. 

Skwisgaar sighed, equal parts hopelessly exasperated and desperately fond. 

“Wells enjoys it while yous cans you dildo, dis ams not likelys to ever, ever happens again,” Skwisgaar said firmly. 

Toki grinned mischievously and lifted himself up.

“I thinks Toki cans change yous mind abouts dat,” he declared proudly, slipping out of bed to walk over to his nearby work desk. He leaned over it enticingly, ass up, giving Skwisgaar the most pornographic come-hither look the Swede had ever seen. 

“Comes over heres and let’s me convince yous,” Toki murmured suggestively, giving his cute butt a little shake. 

And that night was the first of many that the halls of Mordhaus were filled with the echos of passionate Scandinavian honking and lovemaking. 

——————

I don’t think Hjönk actually translates to anything but god I love that word LOL 

Also, sorry for any weird mistakes I didn’t catch! I’ll edit it and maybe add some extra stuff soon and then post it on ao3 :D

[let-it-raines]

I was reading this "ex prompt list" and while I want you to write all of them, I really liked this one: "You talk about me in your new song and I get mad over it, so I’m standing outside your apartment door to argue, only to see you open the door half naked." Thank you, darling! You're a gift!

She’s on her way home from work when she hears it. Listening to the radio isn’t something she does, not anymore, but her car can’t connect to her phone’s Bluetooth and she forgot the aux cord, so it was either the radio or silence.

She probably should have stayed in silence.

Because for the first time in three months, for the first time since she was in Target and heard one of his songs over the speakers, she hears his voice.

And she hates it.

But she apparently hates herself a little bit more because she doesn’t change the station or turn the radio off. She doesn’t recognize the opening chords to this song. She recognizes the chords to every song. She knows all of the lyrics, all of the rifts and pauses. She knows everything.

But she doesn’t know this one.

It’s quiet, sullen, the usually prominent instruments muted in the background so that his voice comes through as clearly as possible. It takes her thirty seconds and two references of a swan flying away – really subtle there, Jones – for her to realize that the song is about her. She has to pull over to the side of the road, making several different cars blare their horns at her, but she can’t…she can’t listen to this while driving. She can’t hear him sing a song that’s clearly about their break up. She has to listen, but she can’t do anything else.

She can barely breathe.

He sounds broken. But she knows that’s on purpose. He records those songs a million times over, until he gets them exactly how he wants them to be, so she knows that he’s manufactured it this way. She’s watched him record enough songs to know how things work.

How dare he do this.

How dare he put their private life out there for anyone with ears to hear.

Hot tears sting behind her eyes, and she has to bury her face in her hands while her throat constricts, emotion lodging itself there and making her feel as if she has to vomit. Or as if she can’t breathe. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything.

All she knows is that she misses him. She misses Killian.

But right now she hates him for making her relive their breakup, for making her relive the agony that was the weeks and months of separation that inevitably led them to walking away from each other.

Or maybe it was her.

She’s not sure. If anything, it’s all a blur of tears and alcohol, sobs wracking her body while she was unable to feel anything but pain. She’d waited so long to find someone who understood her, who wanted to be with her with no reservations, who wouldn’t leave. But then he had left. It had been for work. She knows this. She understands this. Despite everything, she wants nothing more than for him to be happy and to follow his dreams. She just wishes it didn’t come at the expense of them.

She just wishes she’d been strong enough to handle the months of separation and the way that their schedules never matched up, the way that they were constantly missing each other when they tried to call.

The song ends and immediately something happy, upbeat plays through her speakers. She’s having some kind of meltdown on the side of the road, and the world keeps going by. Cars continue to drive by, shaking her bug with their momentum, and the song that’s about one of the worst periods of her life is quickly forgotten and replaced by something about…dancing in a club. It’s literally just about dancing.

She lets out a watery chuckle, the emotion that was lodged in her throat clearing the slightest bit so that she can breathe. Was she not breathing? She might not have been breathing.

Now that she can breathe again, she inhales, sucking her chest in before letting out a gush of air in an attempt to calm herself. In her review mirror she can see that her face is red and splotchy, that her eyes are still watery, and she has to wipe away the snot that’s formed at her nose.

It’s as she’s rubbing her eyes, trying to clear her vision, that all of the sadness starts to twist, transforming into something else entirely. She’s pissed. Absolutely pissed. And she can’t help but think of her earlier thoughts when the song first started playing.

How dare he do this to her.

How dare he write that song and put it on the radio.

Before she knows it, she’s putting her car in drive, looking over her shoulder to make sure the road is clear, before she’s pulling off of the dirt and onto the pavement, speeding down the road in the direction of Killian’s apartment instead of toward hers, driving in the direction of the place where she lived for so long. She knows he’s home, that he’s in town. And she only knows this because David still talks to him, still talks about him, and she overheard David talking to Mary Margaret about Killian being home for the next few weeks and how they’re going to go out for a pint to catch up.

She knows the path to his apartment better than she knows the path to her own, a right here followed by another until it’s a straight shot to the parking garage underneath his building. She still has her sticker, the one that lets her inside. She never could get the damn thing off.

But now it’s useful as she pulls into an empty guest space, hastily getting out of the car and slamming the door shut as she makes her way over to the elevator, hoping that the code hasn’t changed and she can still get inside. It’s only two minutes before she’s standing in front of his door, the momentum and adrenaline propelling her hand forward until she’s banging on the wood so roughly that her hand might actually hurt.

She hurts.

Every bit of anger, of malice, of disappointment that she has is on the tip of her tongue, posed to be spit at him as soon as she sees him, but then the door is swung open and she sees him for the first time in…shit. It’s been five months. It’s been three months since she heard his voice in Target, but it’s been five months since she’s seen him.

And he’s now standing in front of her with his hair damply falling across his forehead, water trailing down the hair of his chest, and the words of his tattoo peeking up over the white towel he has slung across his hip.

Fuck.

She doesn’t have any other words, especially as his fists clench and the muscles in his arms strain while his jaw ticks. He’d look surprised when she first showed up, his lips parting before closing, almost as if he had something he wanted to say. But now he looks angry, a storm raging behind his eyes, and all she can think about is the time that they went to Bermuda for their anniversary and spent the entire week either in bathing suits, a towel, or nothing at all.

“What are you doing here, Swan?”

There’s no anger in his voice though. It’s calm, even, and it’s that fact that gets her back on track. He sounded broken in the song. He’s obviously not broken like she is.

“How dare you write that song,” she spits, trying to keep her voice just as steady, knowing that she’s failing. “You just put our life, my life, out there for everyone to hear.”

“No one knows it’s about you.”

“I do! I know! Our friends know! Everybody goddamn knows! I’m driving down the road on my way home from work, trying to live my life, trying to move on, and I just have everything that I’m trying to forget thrown back in my face like that.”

“Love – ”

“Don’t call me that,” she cries, hating how her voice cracks. She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have come. She should have never let her emotions drive her, but that’s always what’s she’s done. She’s never been one to be able to hold back when she really feels. “I am not your love. You’ve made that very clear.”“Swan,” he grits, crossing his arms over his heaving chest, “if you want to yell at me, come inside. I have neighbors, and I don’t think we want them witnessing this.”

She huffs, disbelief that he’s actually inviting her inside so that she can continue this emotional breakdown, but her feet still carry her inside, her eyes glancing over the apartment the moment she gets inside. It all looks exactly the same.

She hates that it all looks the same.

Something should have changed.

All of her stuff is gone.

She’s gone.

Something should have changed.

She turns around to look back at Killian, who’s locking the door behind him before running his hands through his damp hair, pushing it back on his forehead, before he’s rubbing his fingers over his scruff. She hates how good he looks almost as much as she hates that that’s what she’s focusing on.

“Why are you here?” he sighs, the indignation he had replaced with acceptance. “The song? You’re mad about the song?”

“Of course I’m mad about the song. How could I not be? Have you heard it?”

“I wrote it. And in case you’ve forgotten, I have dozens of other songs about you, nearly every one of them on a record somewhere. You never seemed pissed about those then.”

“We weren’t broken up then.”“Well whose bloody fault is that? Because it’s not mine. I didn’t want to break up.”

“You think I wanted to break up?” she screams, not caring about staying calm while her entire body heats, her skin feeling overly warm and her head throbbing while her heart pounds. “You think I wanted to be having breakdowns on the side of the road because I can’t handle reliving parts of our relationship. You think I wanted to be the girl who sat at home and cried every time you didn’t pick up the phone? Every time you had to go one minute into our conversation? Every time I went out with my friends and heard your voice on the speakers at a bar when I hadn’t actually heard your voice in days? You think I wanted that?”

She can’t…she can’t breathe again, her heart beating far too quickly in her chest. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t good. She needs…she needs to sit down. So she does, collapsing to the ground and resting her back against his hallway wall while she wraps her arms around her knees and lets herself have another breakdown.

Who the hell needs dignity?

“Emma,” Killian sighs, and that only makes things worse. He never calls her Emma, not unless something is important, and she hates herself for this entire situation. She hates that he is able to still have this power over her, that she still loves him so much that she can’t fathom the fact that she’s not with him.

“Emma,” he repeats, kneeling down next to her, his towel opening as he squats, which really doesn’t help the situation at all. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think I’m okay?”

“No.” His thumb reaches up and wipes away the tears on her cheek. That’s the first time she’s felt his touch in five months too. And it’s also what makes her look up to see that he’s got a tear falling onto his cheek too. “I’m sorry, lo – Swan. I’m sorry that you heard the song and that it hurt you.”

“Why’d you write it then? You had to know that I’d hear it eventually.”

“Because I hurt too. Music is how I deal with things. You know this. You’ve always known this. And how the hell else am I supposed to deal with my heartbreak?”

“By writing the damn song and then not putting it on the radio.”

“I had to fulfill my contract. I had to release a new single.”

“Don’t you have another one? One that’s not about us?”

“No.”

She sighs, leaning her head back against the wall and tightly closing her eyes all while she physically aches. She aches for them to be back to normal, aches for this to not be happening anymore. She should have never come here.

“How long are you home?”

“What?” he stutters, his voice visibly shaken.

She opens her eyes and looks back at him, attempting to even her breaths. “How long are you home this time? How long until you have to leave again?”

“A few weeks. I’ve got to go back and meet with the guys for a couple of days at the end of September.”

She doesn’t know why she does what she does next, but before she can stop herself, before she can think straight, she leans forward and slides her lips over his in a harsh, demanding kiss. Her hands are in his hair in an instant, using the soft strands to tug him closer, and his hands find her face, the warmth and roughness of the pads of his fingers holding her to him as well. It’s like being connected, like being right, after so many months of not feeling like herself, of feeling like something in her life is off kilter.

Like something is wrong.

She doesn’t care that they shouldn’t be doing this. She doesn’t care that she shouldn’t be pushing Killian against the floor, the hardwood uncomfortable under her knees, and she doesn’t care that she’s losing her mind over the way that Killian’s groaning into her mouth and thrusting his hips up against hers, the towel doing nothing to hide his arousal.

And she really doesn’t care when they stumble away from the entrance of his apartment and fall back into his bedroom, quickly and surely moving against each other in the way that they always have. He feels good, fantastic, and she knows she should never be thinking about she and Killian together when they’re very obviously having a relapse, a collapse back into the them they used to be.

So she doesn’t say anything, doesn’t let herself not enjoy this, but she can’t speak, she can’t return Killian’s words of ecstasy and affection while he moves inside of her and above her. She simply falls into how good, how right, this feels, and figures that she’ll…she’ll figure it all out later.

It turns out when later comes that she’s still not ready to figure it out. She still doesn’t know what to do. Instead of getting up and leaving when they were finished, she didn’t. She stayed. She’s not sure that she had the strength to leave, that she even wanted to, so now she’s wrapped up in one of Killian’s sweaters while her legs are stuck in between his and his hands are trailing through her hair. She feels his heartbeat under her palm, the slow rise and fall of his chest a rhythm that she knows better than any other.

A rhythm that she knows better than any song he’s ever written.

“Sex doesn’t solve our problems, Swan. You know that, right?”

“I know,” she confesses, snuggling closer to him despite everything. “I don’t…we shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even still be here. I’m not sure what came over me, over us.”“A hell of a lot of emotions.” She feels his lips against her forehead, the sweat that’s gathered there being pushed away. “We’ve got…there’s a lot left between us, love. There was never anything wrong between us, I don’t think. I just wasn’t there.”

“That’s kind of what went wrong. You can’t be in a relationship without being there.”

“But it’s not us. It was the distance, my job.”

“Which is your dream.”

“Aye, it was my dream,” he confirms softly, running his fingers through her hair and down her back. “It is my dream. But I should have never let it come between us. You’ve been my life for half a decade. You have been there for absolutely everything, and I should have tried harder, should have done more.”

“I don’t think there was anything either of us could have done.”

“I could have made more time to call. I could have scheduled breaks between cities. I could have booked a flight for me, for you. I could have done so much to save us, to make you feel less alone.”

“Killian, this isn’t all on you.”

“No, no, it’s not, but I’ve had five months of living alone, even when I wasn’t here, to think about all of the things I could have changed.”

“Me too,” she sighs, lifting her head from his chest and untangling her legs before she moves to the other side of the bed, putting distance between them all the while Killian rubs his hand up and down his face trying to work out the stress lines. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t either. Do you even want to try again? Or are we chalking this up to a one-time thing? To a fallback?”

For the first time since she’s shown up here, he sounds as broken as he did during the song. He sounds like she feels, like there’s something missing, something just out of reach. He sounds…he doesn’t sound like Killian. Not the one that she knew. Not the one who woke her up in the mornings with a smile on his face and laughter in his eyes. Not the one who sang while he cooked, often burning the food because he would start writing down the beginnings of a song.

He doesn’t sound like the man who loved her.

The man who she loves.

“I don’t want it to be that,” she answers honestly, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. “But I can’t go back to how we were…what do you want?”

“You.”

A shiver runs down her spine, gooseflesh popping up on her skin.

“That’s all. You just want me?”

“Always, Emma,” he promises, his lips ticking up on the right and the lines around his eyes crinkling while his tongue clicks. “But you’re right. We can’t…I can’t leave like that. I can’t do things just for me without considering you. And you can’t let me just do it and say that things are okay.”

“I kind of figured you knew things weren’t okay.”

“You’ve never lied to me, so I didn’t expect it then. I always believed the words that you said.”

“So what are we doing, Killian? What do we do?”

He shrugs, sitting up against the headboard. “We try again. We make compromises. We do better. For ourselves. For each other. And maybe I don’t put a song out without letting you know.”She smiles, the first genuine smile without heartbreak hidden behind it, for the first time today. Maybe for the first time in months.

“I’d like that.”

It takes more than one day for things to get back to normal. It takes weeks, months really. Killian was a constant part of her life for five years, but after nearly half a year apart, things don’t simply snap back. Trust has to be rebuilt, routines have to become routine again, and she has to learn that things are never going to be perfect and that compromise is a hell of a lot harder than simply saying the word. You actually have to break and bend, give and give up, but it’s worth it if you want to make things work.

She wants to make things work.

Killian does too.

And the next time she hears a song on the radio that’s about her, Killian’s voice isn’t broken. And neither is her heart.

[everyman0]

SELFISH SLEEPER

Habit deleted my original title for this entry and gave it his own, and instead of telling you what it was originally, i’m just going to leave it as is. Theres some truth to it, after all.

When the call abruptly ended, evan let the phone slip from his grasp and fall to the floor. He had his back turned to me, had been standing that way the entire time the call went on, so i cant exactly describe his reaction in full. But i can tell you that he was not doing well. Instead of repeating the same mistake from before and touching him when he doesnt want to be touched, i only go over to him and pick the discarded phone from near his feet. Bending over to do so, i catch a glimpse at his face - and the amount of anguish i saw in his eyes was plenty enough to get me to step away as soon as possible. I dont leave him, though. I just hold the phone between my hands and stand there, observing, nervous.

Evan says nothing to me at first, so i speak up and thank him for his help. I mean, i really did appreciate it okay? I cant imagine having to pretend to be the demon that has possessed you for years and years is a mental cake walk. But evan’s expression does not soften, it only grows more distressed as the moments pass. It got a bit awkward, so i went back to work with gideon on the call and transcript since i hadnt heard the conversation in full yet. Evan eventually moved from his place and sat in the hallway nearby, away from us and around the corner to be unseen.

A couple hours pass as gideon and i sit at the table to talk. We discussed the conversation with ozzy at length, making note that the ‘prototype’ mentioned prior to this phone call was indeed another mirror, one made by the group in russia and then recently stolen. We also speculated what all this mirror may be able to do and what the implications of it being missing may be. The mirror wasnt the only thing missing of course, because so was Habit. We tried to piece together how these things connected but we still didnt seem to have enough to go off of to make sense of it yet, so little in fact that i wont even describe the conversation in more detail here. just a lot of speculation and talking in circles. It was getting late, so i insisted gideon take his leave and get to sleep for the night. We could always talk over discord later.

Once gideon was gone I called for evan to come lay down in our bed, the only thing we shared so closely. Sleeping next to him like that wasnt anything new - evan and i would frequently share a bed in hotel rooms during road trips to cut costs and at each others houses when the weather was cold or neither of us wanted to take the hardwood floor. Its something we did since middle school so we were used to it in our adulthood, and just like all those times before, neither of us wanted to sleep on the cold ashen ground of the house.

I fully expected evan to change his mind about that this night, but to my surprise, a few minutes after i had crawled under the blankets, evan quietly slipped in next to me. It was dark in the room so i could not make out his features, but thanks to the brilliant curse i have to call my eyes, i could still see some sort of aura of unease in the lumpy form that lay just ahead of me. The visual embodiment of stress isnt pretty, all jagged and sharp and i swear i thought it would reach out and pop me like a balloon. Kind of a silly thought to have, given i was already shoulder-to-shoulder with evan in the bed; and evan was anything but jagged or sharp in my opinion. His presence was rather comforting. I dont think i was a comforting presence to him though.

Especially since i couldnt keep my fat mouth shut and just go to sleep and enjoy the warmth of my friend simply being alive and with me for fucking once. I end up turning over on my side, facing evan, and choose to speak. I am, literally, the stupidest person on earth.

“Hey Ev,” I start, not really whispering but not talking normally either. “What do you think about the mi--”

“Couldn’t you at least ask if I want to talk first?” Judging by the somewhat muffled sound of his voice, I gather that evan has turned his back towards me again. Dammit. And his words stung like needles...which is how i know he was right.

“Oh uh, m’sorry,” I spit out at once, “I didn’t mean--”

Evan interrupts me again, this time shifting his body to illustrate his dismay at my attempts to talk to him, “You never mean to do anything, Vin. And maybe that’s the problem with you.”

I was taken aback by this, mouth agape and then stammering and finally settling on actual words to say.

“Ev, come on. What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to shut up and go to sleep,” he says bluntly, “And leave me alone. This bed situation does not entitle you to a conversation.”

Oh. I reach out without thinking and only acting, placing a hand on Evan’s arm from under the blanket. In hindsight I remember how warm he was to the touch, but in the moment all I wanted to do was...well, who the fuck knows anymore. It was a stupid move.

“Evan, please--”

He freezes under my hand at first but then spins around so aggressively that the blankets are yanked off and become entirely wrapped around him instead. At this point my eyes have adjusted to the darkness and I can now see the white fire rage on Evan’s face. He grabs my wrist tight enough to cause considerable discomfort and I wince.

“Keep your god damn hands off of me or I’ll leave them broken next,” Evan snarls, and briefly I’m reminded of Habit once again and whimper meekly under his grip. Evan thrusts my arm away, seeming startled at himself then as well. His gaze is soul shattering as it remains locked on my own eyes. So full of sadness and despair and disgust, so hurt, and I was the cause of it. 

Evan’s lashes moisten with frustrated tears and finally, after giving me one last sniffle and quivering lip, turns over with his back facing me again. I press my dumb gob together to spare myself the trouble and I can hear Evan’s shuttered breathing as he cried to himself. He didn’t cry often, not even in front of Jeff and I way back when. To see it now, like this, ruined me more than I could have realized.

I don’t ask him to return my half of the blanket. I only curl up, feeling cold without something to cover me and Evan seeming so far away despite never leaving my side.

I didnt sleep very well that night.

>>

[midyearflowers]

i just need to get some stuff out cause i cant say it out loud without starting a big fight. but like my mothers anger and pettiness is so frustrating to deal with and i know it will get her hurt one day. i just finished school for the day and i had a great time, my general elective is my fave class by far just cause its so interesting and i was having a great time. then out i go to get picked up and i find my mom fighting with someone in the parking lot. he was trying to get out but she wouldnt move up to let him. in her words he was being an ass and since he couldve easily just backed up and gone that way so why should she move. but like. guys this man actually fucking got out of his truck to scream at her face to face. my mom likes to think shes invincible cause of whatever dumb fucking reason she tells herself but like what if he decided to punch her? like obviously its worst case scenario but like people do get that heated with road rage shit. but like seeing him get out of the truck to get up and personal was terrifying and knowing how my mom gets like i knew if that were a violent man thered be nothing anyone could do, especially not me. like ive told her this before but nothing i say means anything to her cause im just her stupid kid who, even tho im literally an adult, i cant possible know more than a mere child and certainly not more than her so i should just shut up and be thankful i guess. but back in high school i used to sit in the living room crying my eyes out having multiple panic attacks every time she would go out cause id just sit and think of all the horrible things that could happen to her and this was way before her anger issues got so bad. she was for the most part normal and appropriate but i was still so scared for her cause i know what the world is like and what some people will do/are capable of. i never told her this cause i didnt want her to stop going out just cause of my anxiety but like do i really have to spiral back into that nightmare? just because she needs to take her anger out on others and be petty and get her 5 second “revenge” thats just flipping people off? like its one thing to pick a fight with someone in a college parking lot where there are security on site and lots of witnesses. but like she does this everywhere all the time. what if the next time she picks a fight (and she picks one every single day it seems) shes on the highway at night? alone in a deserted area? and the man shes fighting gets out of his truck and gets in her face? like what the fuck is she going to do? nothing. i know for a fact she is not strong enough to do anything to protect herself. and ive even told her before that im terrified that if that happens while im in the car theyll go for me instead just to get at her. like i know a lot of it is irrational thinking on my part but like come on. these things happen enough that i have to think about them. its all just so frustrating and i flip flop between not caring and caring a lot and i just cant fucking take it anymore. i really just wanna blow up at her at this point. she doesnt give a shit about how she makes me feel because her feelings are always more important. she is important and invincible and since she had to deal with a lot of shit in her life she should be allowed to do whatever she wants without consequences. and i just know its gonna bite her one day, and i really dont want it to get to that point but i feel thats the only way shell realize it. and even then shell probably blame it on them

[swampgallows]

i said some fucked up shit about my sister at the dinner table (while she was not present) and i dont even know why i said it. im completely mentally vacant. like my sisters been a real piece of shit lately and so all i meant was that i hope she keeps going to therapy because i cant stand this walking on eggshells bullshit anymore, and she’s so fuckin confrontational which sets EVERYBODY off, she just likes picking fuckin fights, then she says dumbass shit about her stupid boyfriends and how they “put up with” her; she thinks she’s so self-aware about all her flaws but she has zero perception of what said flaws are in reality UnTIL her last therapy session where she had a professional point out her inconsistencies and explosive and unpredictable behavior with moving goalposts and completely random outcomes

im just sick of her bullying my mom and starting shit with my dad, mostly political “arguments” with info accrued from “bernie can still win” facebook pages, im just sick of it, so i said some shit like how my sister is just out to ruin her own life (because  my mom implied that she would take pleasure in ruining a person’s life, i said she was doing just fine on her own), she says she likes the drama or whatever the fuck. id like her to get help and like i love my sister because she’s my sister but this is what i mean about my family; it’s such a caustic environment with everybody being mentally fucking ill and nobody getting professional fucking help, nobody having any friends, all that fucking shit, that it is hard to procure love from beneath that heap of soot. 

so my brother just starts grinning to himself and was like “i cant listen to this, this is ridiculous” and i get it, but it’s making me & mom out to be villains in the scenario, or like our ire (i absolutely detest that i’m with my mom on this) is unfounded. my sister treats everybody in this house like shit if we dont pick exactly the right words to say at exactly the right time. what made her realize, talking to her therapist, was that her on and off again boyfriend (they have broken up quite literally more than 8 times in a year and a half, and i listen to her scream and cry at him over the phone through the wall almost every single night she’s not sleeping over at his place) didnt get her flowers because he was “afraid”. because one time she said she hated flowers, she hates cut flowers, and she would hate a guy forever if he got her cut flowers. then she asked him why she didnt get flowers for valentines day and he said he was afraid, because she said she hated them. nO, she corrected, i hate when guys get girls flowers when they do something wrong. flowers should be for happy occasions.

but it made her realize she’s so completely fuckin unpredictable that people are genuinely afraid of doing anything around her (my mom especially has said many times, “I’m afraid to say anything to her, i’m just afraid of her now”). 

but for me to bring that up, to illuminate my sister’s bad qualities that are actively hurting the people around her, gets a wag of the finger from my family. “this is ridiculous,” my brother said. “everybody has problems. we dont need to sit here and analyze her.” 

YES WE DO! or this bullshit cycle of fear will continue! but now, just as planned, i feel GUILTY! because boo hoo, my sister made bad decisions, she was in an abusive relationship (so was i, so are we all, with each other, youre not fucking special) like her boohoo shitty past gives her a pass for her shitty behavior. IT DOESnT. what i hate most of all, what happens to me SO much, is that i am dismissed. i get talked over, or cut off mid-sentence, and then everyone laughs about how i try so hard to get a word in edgewise, how i struggle to tell a story without anyone interrupting, how i need to just ‘give up’ after a while.

like im so fucking incensed by the fact that im just now, an adult, twenty-fucking-seven, identifying all of these abusive behaviors in my family. why i feel like such an outcast. why i feel forgotten and unimportant. why i feel like everything i like is stupid and embarrassing, why i should just shut up, why i should be ‘so lucky’ that anybody can withstand me for more than a second, why im compelled to analyze and second-guess my behavior over and over, why i fall for abusers, and so on and so on.

ever since going to therapy my sister LOVES to blame all of this—her shit marriage, our falling for abusers, her rages, her unpredictable tantrums—on our mother. sure, yeah, she was the model throughout our childhoods. my only point was that it will take a while before my sister realizes she has to blame some of this—past and present—on herself.

[fanfic-factory]

Love at First Sight (Chapter 34)

P.o.v Ross Ellington and I finished our food and decided we would head over to my place to see what the others were up to. i drove up the driveway with Ellington following right behind in his car. we took separate cars because we wanted to stay as low profile as possible but if paparazzi caught what i did back at the restaurant i guess our secrets out. I got out of my car followed by Ellington getting out of his. we walked into the house o find chelsie and Rydel with their arms wrapped around each other ads they cried into each other's shoulders for a second i was a bit confused but then i realized that rocky had probably slipped up and told at least one of them and then the one he told probably told the other. walked over to chelsie and tried to give her a kiss but she stopped me. 'damn it! she does know!' i thought to myself and right on cue she yells in my face "how could you!" mean while Rydel is yelling at Ellington. 'god i am going to beat the living shit out of Rocky when i find him!' i think to myself as chelsie continues to yell at me. eventually Rydel and chelsie stopped yelling at us. im happy because we now have a chance to explain and i also want to make sure that they don't hate us forever, especially Rydel and Ellington because that could ruin the band and i don't want to let any of our fans down. Ellington and i finally got a chance to explain to chelsie and Rydel at happened and why we didn't tell them sooner and that we were sorry from keeping all of this from them. im actually really shocked at how understanding they were. I'm happy that they understand because all i can say is love is love and because of Ellington i am strong (reference to strong by one direction) I'm kinda shocked about how understanding they were though because of how they went all ape shit on us not even five minutes ago. p.o.v Rydel right after i told chelsie that the both of us were being cheated on be both burst into tears and then Ross and Ellington came through the door it took us both a few seconds to realize that it was them because our vision was blurry because of our tears. When we did reslize it was them though we both instantly went from tears to pure rage. Ross then walked up to chelsie and tried to kiss her. At this point we had both had enough of the secrets and lies and just went full on ape shit at them because of what they have put us through. we kept yelling and yelling at the two of them until we felt they have had enough. after we finished yelling at them they made us sit down so they could explain it all. it made sense but even though i was understanding it would take a while for them to gain my trust back again. p.o.v chelsie After ross and Ellington explained everything to us my emotions were so messed up. i wanted to kiss ross but he's not mine anymore, i wanted to yell at him but my voice was basically gone from already yelling at him, i wanted to just hide away from the world and die because i lost the love of my life. he's not mine anymore i wish i could just back off but its not that easy. i couldn't bear to look at him for one more second or hear one more word come out of his mouth so i left. i got up and left. p.o.v Keara i was sitting in my room texting riker. i had asked if i could go to his place to hang out but he told me what had happened between chelsie, ross, Rydel,and Ellington and then the idea of hanging out at his place all of a sudden didn't seem so great. then i asked him if he wanted to come over to my place to hang out. he actually replied so fast it is literally as if e would have done anything to get out of that house and after hearing what was going on there i can imagine why. i decided that for once i would actually socialize with my family before my boyfriend got here so i went to the living room. when i walked into the living room i saw that they were watching the Big Bang theory. since i love the Big Bang theory i decided i would sit and watch it with my family. was the episode where raj had this competition set up and the rest of the group of friends was split into teams of two. right when and Howard and amy realized that the one thing they have in common is loving Neil diamond iker walked in singing along to sweet caroline. p.o.v Riker i pulled up to keara's house and got out of the car. i walked up to the door and walked right in because her house is basically a second home to me. i walked in and i didnt know what they were watching but i did recognize something. i recognized the song that was playing on whatever it was they were watching so i decided to just walk into the living room singing along to sweet caroline by Neil diamond. after i finished singing she stood up and walked over to me so she could hug me. Then i kissed her. i was well aware that her parents were standing right there but that wouldnt stop me from kissing my amazingly perfect girlfriend. her dad kind of gave me a look that made me think he was going to comment on what i had just done. He didnt end up saying anything though so i payed no mind to it. Her mother than said hi to me and continued to act like nothing had happened. after the slight awkwardness we just all decided to watch the rest of the episode of the Big Bang theory. after the episode ended we snuck off to keara's room. p.o.v Rachel i was sitting at home playing my guitar and singing for the baby because i feel that it would be better for the baby as appose to just talking to it. i was getting a bit bored because i was home alone. parents were both at work and my sister was hanging out with her boyfriend ho might i add is not nearly as cool as rocky. when i thought about that it gave me an idea. i grabbed my phone and texted rocky "hey babe can i come over im a little lonely" he replied quite quickly saying "i dont know if thats such a good idea how about i go over to your place. ill explain everything when i get there. love you" i read the text and a huge smile was spread on my face. the reason behind that being that i havent seen rocky in a while and its kinda weird without him. i decided to watch Austin and Ally while i waited for Rocky to get here. i was super happy when i found out which episode was because it was my favourite episode, Austin and alias. My favourite part or the episode was about to happen 'yay!!!' i thought to myself. my favourite part of the episode is when austin swings ally aka Roxy over his shoulder and walks away . rocky walked in literally seconds before it happened. basically saying the first thing he saw when he walked into the livingroom was me laughing like a complete loser. "nice! watching my brother on tv?" he asks while chuckling to himself. "yeah! you got a problem with that?" i asked him sarcastically. "no" he replies as he sits down next to me, outs his arm around my waist, and kisses the side of my head. after the episode ended he asked me if i wanted to have a movie marathon of random movies and of course i said yes. i picked out three movies to start while rocky got the food ready. the movies i had chosen where pitch perfect, cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2 and frozen. the first movie we decided to watch was cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2. personally i love this movie so much because its hilarious and all my favorite parts happen in a chain reaction type thing. After watching cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2 we decided to watch frozen. I absolutely love frozen. it is such a cute and funny movie and olaf is absolutely hilarious. my two favorite parts about frozen e when olaf sings his song about summer and when he says 'ohh, look at that. i've been impailed' and finally after frozen we watched pitch perfect. i would narrow the movie down to my favorite part but it is kind of hard to do considering the whole movie is absolutely hilarious. if i had to choose one part that would be my favorite i would have to say the riff off because the riff off consists of a bunch of really good songs that are made even better in the movie. after watching pitch perfect we realized it was getting really late. "babe can you stay here tonight? i get really lonely when both my parents work and besides i havent seen you in a while and i miss you" i said sounding a bit needy but t doesnt really matter cause im not exactly afraid to admit that i can be a bit needy at times. "sure babe id love to stay with you tonight! let me just go back to my house quickly to get some things and ill be back soon. love you. he kissed the side of my head and left. i decided i would get ready for bed while he was gone to get his stuff. i quickly put on some pyjamas and brushed my teeth. i took a quick drink of water and by the time i had finished all of this rocky was walking through my door again. he quickly got ready for bed and curled up next to me under the sheets. e were lying down in bed and his arms were wrapped around me. usually that would be enough to put me to sleep at a time like this but apparently tonight that wasnt enough. "hey babbe?" i said hoping he woulld still be awake and to my luck he was. "yeah babe?" he said semi curiously. "i cant sleep. could you maybe sing a little because i think it might help." the next thing you know he was singing half a heart by one direction because he knows how much i love that song nd also its a softer song so it made it easy to fall asleep. He kept singing the song as he kept singing i kept getting closer and closer to being asleep and then eventually the sound of his amazing voice just faded away.

[ne-hny-patyk]

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