#i literally cannot stop oversharing

[angelsdean]

when you can't tell if your feet are really cold bc the temp recently dropped and your body is just reacting to that or like. if this is an actual medical concern. or if it's nothing and your health anxiety is just overblowing it.

[lawva-girl]

I’m tired of being bad at social interactions

[faaun]

im actually becoming a littol bit annoyed by smn 😭

[emotionalsupport-ljh]

Crushing!Jihoon

Fluff - Woozi x gn!reader

I have a crush on that boy, but what if he had a crush? 🤔

Word Count: 1k

˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ ────୨ৎ──── ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗

Jihoon cannot look you in the eyes. He usually is good about eye contact because he is very polite, but if he catches your eyes, he will quickly avert his gaze anywhere else. He still likes to talk to you, but he gets overwhelmed and lost in his thoughts if he’s looking straight into your eyes. Sometimes, he tries to look at your nose, so it will at least seem like he’s looking at you, but he still finds it too cute when you wrinkle it to laugh, so he ends up looking away anyway.

Jihoon rambles. A simple “Hello” will turn into him oversharing about his weekend, favorite show, or work. He cannot stop and your patient smile only encourages him to keep going. He eventually will realize and let a sentence trail off as his face turns red. He only stops being embarrassed when you reply with the same energy. You both end up yapping as much as possible, going from topic to topic almost randomly. Anyone listening in on the conversation would get lost because it’s like you have your own language together.

Jihoon can’t flirt. At all. It doesn’t come naturally to him. If he tries to be cute, he just gets embarrassed. He’s also afraid of being seen as a creep. You lightly flirt with him and he doesn’t notice. If you turn it up a little, he either misinterprets it or gets really awkward. He claims to be a direct person or the type to just be straight-forward and tell you, but, in reality, he will take his secret crush to the grave.

Literally everyone notices when Jihoon is crushing. He doesn’t realize how obvious he is when every other topic of conversation is you or what you like or what’s going on in your life. The other members joke about it quietly, but they make sure he doesn’t know or else it would end their favorite entertainment. They find it super fun to watch him get flustered around you then turn around like nothing happened. They even try to get him closer to you or leave you two alone together, just to eavesdrop or peek into the room to witness him freak out a little.

Jihoon writes a ton of love songs. They probably won’t see the light of day and some of them are just sentences in his notes app, but every beautiful melody he thinks of is inspired by you in some way (and some of the horny ones too). Fans would say that these types of songs were written with a pink glitter gel pen which is only true in vibes. He isn’t kicking his feet and writing in twirly handwriting, but his heart is whether he likes it or not.

Jihoon pretends to be nonchalant but remembers super specific things about you. Like, he’ll hand you your favorite obscure candy from your childhood that you told him about one time four months ago, and say something like “don’t make a big deal out of it” or “i just saw this and remembered”. In reality, it took him forever to find it and he wasn’t even sure if it was discontinued or not. He was about to look up a recipe for it to make it from scratch, but he found it, ordered it, then waited like a kid on Christmas for the package to arrive. He gives maximum effort for small details and pretends like it’s nothing.

It’s a lot easier to get Jihoon to open up than you think. He claims that he doesn’t want to burden anyone with his emotions when they are heavy, and he doesn’t always want to share his feelings so outwardly, but if you ask him like twice, he’ll tell you all about it. You can visibly see his shoulders un-tense when he tells you about his struggles. He trusts you and can’t keep anything from you. He’s also just bad at lying, so you can tell something is up with him almost immediately.

Jihoon doesn’t like physical touch BUT ONLY when he isn’t expecting it. He has to initiate the touching for it to be okay. You once tried to place your hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off instinctively. Later, he held onto your arm absent-mindedly. You learn to give him his space and wait for him to start anything physical. Once he does, you can reciprocate easily. He likes to put his arm behind you while sitting on the couch. You lean into him and he doesn’t flinch or move or anything. He touches you more often than anyone else which makes his crush on you so painfully obvious.

Jihoon has a Libra Venus in his astrology chart. From the moment he realized he liked you, he immediately envisioned your entire future together complete with four versions of a wedding, a life with kids, a life without kids, what your cat’s names would be, and every time he could tell the world that a song was dedicated to you. He thinks about different ways he could ask you on a date like he’s Doctor Strange looking into possible realities. It was easy for him to get a crush on you, and he can’t help but imagine it when he closes his eyes.

Jihoon is oblivious. You obviously like him and everyone can see it except for him. You always smile when he talks or laugh at his stupid jokes. You’re always caught up on his favorite anime (which you enjoy as well) just so that when he finally does watch them, you are ready to talk about it at a moment’s notice. You call him every night to make sure he’s wrapping up at work, and you offer to buy him food if he hasn’t eaten. You are one of the only reasons he takes a day off or goes outside to have fun when he’s not working. You’re always ready with a plan to hang out together. You want to be with him all the time. You stick to him like glue. And he just thinks that you're his really good friend. He can’t imagine that his crush likes him right back.

[andhumanslovedstories]

hi! i'm gonna overshare a little bit but i'm doing my nursing prereqs right now and i'm really worried. i'm kind of really mentally ill and i've been worrying recently if nursing is worth it. i want to help people and it sounds so interesting and i love medical stuff but i don't want to get burnt out with the stress and long hours. someone told me that nursing is a lot like being a restaurant server, and i don't want to go to school and get a degree and a career that's literally just serving again. is it satisfying? is it rewarding? is it soul-killing? i'm scared

hi there! I'll overshare in return! I'm just coming off three months of disability for burnout (which for me is just depression but with a name you can use in the workplace). My job didn't cause my depression, but it certainly exacerbated it. The hours, the stress, the constant exposure to people suffering and the limits on your ability to do something about it, all those suck and they can break your brain. (On the other hand, I've been majorly depressed while working at an ice cream parlor where the walk-in freezer was for smoking weed. You can be depressed anywhere.)

And it is a hard job! Harder in some parts of the field than others. Different places have different nursing cultures, different laws, different staffing, etc. Where I work, there's good protection and advocacy for nursing. That's not true everywhere.

With all that said--I really like nursing. I get to do work that I know contributes good to the world. I get to solve very practical problems. I meet people I would never otherwise meet. I have the opportunity every shift to do something that I am proud of. And a lot of times, I find it fun! It's fun to brainstorm how to make someone who's been puking all night feel better. It's fun to see your efforts rewarded, even in small ways. It's fun to stop something before it becomes an emergency. It's fun bustling around, juggling a dozen different things. It's not ALWAYS fun. But for me, the work is not just meaningful but also enjoyable.

That's how I knew I had bad burnout btw. Even when things went well and I did work I was proud of, every shift was such a fucking slog.

If you are interested in the basic work of nursing (managing the human response to illness and promoting health), then there's a million and one jobs you can do with a nursing degree. They cater to different traits. I've discovered I really like precepting new nurses, I like working on the floor with its routine and concrete goals, and I like symptom management. I don't like critical care or the emergency department or working on stuff that isn't patient care, like paperwork and charge nursing. I like novelty but not chaos. I like independence but not being left entirely to my own devices. I like that I physically cannot take any of my work home. I do not like being on committees. So for me, right now at this point in my life, I like being a basic med-surg night shift float pool nurse. I would be absolutely miserable as a neuro ICU critical care day shift nurse. I would be bored to death being an inpatient rehab night nurse. Being a nurse manager would probably make me suicidal again.

If you find the basic work interesting and rewarding, you can tailor it to your taste. (I can't recommend floor nursing enough for the adhd havers amongst us.)

and last thing, regarding mental illness: I think a lot of nurses (and ppl in healthcare in general) struggle with mental illness way more than they think they do. Someone who knows they have depression and works to manage it will likely be more resilient than someone endlessly pushing through their fatigue and misery. Probably a better nurse, too. I take meds, go to therapy, get sleep, push myself to eat, take sick days, protect my limited energy, do physical activity--I'm a gym girlie now!!--because I'm treating a disease I know that I have. Just knowing that there's something up with your brain and doing something about it puts you way ahead like half of the people who work the emergency department.

[toads-treasures]

Writer Interview

I got tagged by @forget-me-maybe and @pouroverpaloma, thank you for the tag!!! I'm sorry that I definitely may have overshared!!

When did you start writing?

This is going to sound cliche but, since I learned how to write at all, I think? I distinctly remember that I got in trouble when I was about six years old, because I took a photo album that had nice sturdy paper pages from the laundry room and wrote a mystery story in it. I remember it was a mystery because on every other page I colored my own version of the old transitions they’d do in cartoons, with a question mark with concentric colorful circles around it lol. Strangely vivid memory of those transition pages, I think I was very proud of them. 

But I’ve been writing and “illustrating” pretty much my entire life. I started writing fanfiction in middle school or highschool, and that’s what I’ve always liked writing the most.

Then I decided to get a creative writing degree, which then led me to developing both a god complex and a crippling sense of perfectionism and self doubt, and completely drained any enjoyment from writing literally anything, because I couldn’t get my professor’s voices out of my head. I loved my professors and I think I learned a lot, but I became so obsessed with my writing being perfect and impressive and something they would want and like, that I stopped writing things that I liked. So, I had a crisis and dropped out! And didn’t write anything for like four years so 🫠 but we’re slowly gettin’ back into it. 

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I don’t think there are any themes I enjoy reading that I couldn't really write, but genres definitely. I don’t know if I could write a contemporary romance. Unless I am doing a modern AU lol but even then I always seem to end up adding some kind of fantastical element.  I love reading a good Emily Henry novel, but I try to write a lighthearted contemporary romance and inevitably some ghosts or fucked up fairies of some sort will appear. I gotta inject a little horror and fantasy into pretty much everything I write, which I think a lot of people are surprised by. I’m surprised by it, because I am such a baby I can’t handle watching horror movies. I think less horror, and more like, gothic elements maybe? IDK man it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a literature class.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I wanna be Maggie Stiefvater when I grow up. She’s a young adult novelist but she is such a talented writer, I can’t even explain other than her books make my brain go !!!!! 

I cannot recommend Scorpio Races or The Raven Cycle enough. She’s got such a distinct voice, and she is really good at magical realism which I love. I don’t know if I intentionally try to emulate her though I think I’m just a sponge that just absorbs bits and pieces of anything I read, but I think I have unintentionally stolen a line or two from her before.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I have a home office that I adore and is super cute and cozy but unfortunately most of my writing is done at work on my lunch break. But that’s also a pretty nice place, a shaded courtyard at the hospital I work at that’s got really nice tall trees that blossom in the spring. 

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I always come up with some pivotal character detail or plot point while I’m doing dishes. Then I have to scramble for my phone with sudsy hands to immediately tell Liz I have had A Thought.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I think a lot of my stories are about grief, which I don’t usually realize until later. Grief and memory and growing out of the place you were born, and the kind of dissonance that comes from wanting so desperately to go home but not fitting when you get there. Or things are different than how you remember, for better and for worse. I love thinking about complicated parent/child relationships, and coming to the realization that more often than not your parents are neither heroes or villains, they’re just people.  Coming of age stories but the protag are in their late twenties? 

I looooove to write about people slowly (or not so slowly) falling in love and the little things you notice about someone when that’s happening. Like the way a slight sunburn sometimes makes blue eyes look even bluer, the way someone’s eyes widen before they start laughing, like they’re surprised at their own amusement. Getting to know someone in so many different contexts. So different kinds of intimacy I guess? It wasn’t until recently that I even considered writing smut lmao and even now when I try the characters just end up having some deep conversation and unearthing some kind of trauma. Let’s not analyze what that says about me. 

But it always seems to come back to grief at some point and living with loss and growing around it. Which is strange because I’m very lucky to have not gone through that process with anyone extremely close to me. It is definitely something I think about a lot though, it’s almost like I’m trying to brace myself, or practice grieving before it actually happens.

What’s your reason for writing?

Escapism babyyy. I say escapism then talk about how all I ever write about is grief….so….but it is both escapism and kind of working through some shit emotionally lol. One of my favorite possibly cringey things to do, but something that has genuinely helped me a lot, is creating a character that has a lot of qualities that I feel self conscious about. They have ADHD, they’re tall and a little clumsy, or they’ve got the same body type as me. They also dropped out of art school. But it doesn’t bother them at all. They’re not insecure about any of those things. Or if they are, they learn not to be. And the other characters love them anyway.

One of the things I’ve really enjoyed doing with a lot of the fanfiction I write is I get a chance to write about the moments in between the big moments. Explore aspects of characters that maybe there wasn’t time for in the game. Or you know if it’s Wyll just aspects that Larian didn’t bother to do at all i’m not bitter 

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Literally any. I crave any form of validation. I love when people can point out themes and stuff to me because I usually miss that myself lol.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

Uhhhhhhhhh I have never considered this. Positively? I think more than anything I want people to care as much as I care about these characters, that we’re all being genuine and sincere and sappy together.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I don’t know if it’s my greatest strength lol but I love writing dialogue. That always comes easily to me. And descriptions of landscapes. That’s always something people in class would point out. I will wax poetic about a mountain or the sea don’t test me. 

How do you feel about your own writing?

It comes and goes lol. I try not to think about it too much honestly because I’ll spiral pretty fast into extremely self critical territory and freeze up. Because I must be a genius, Professor Signor told me so, now I have this impossible standard to live up to. Also my professor never told me I was a genius but she did really like my writing and wanted me to take a bunch of honors classes and be on the school literary magazine and all of that pressure and expectation kiiinda made me freak out and run away. So now I try to just have fun, and that’s what I want to feel more than anything is that I’m having fun, and truly enjoying this part of me that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. 

tagging @hauntedliz @mars-colonyand @likesomethingblooming if you wanna!

[lover-of-mine]

Your last post is funny bc just TODAY I watched that season finally. I’m literally 2 episodes into season 5 right now. As someone who just watched that for the first time (and hadn’t noticed it WAS the season finally when I started watching it) I was losing my goddamn MIND watching those episodes. Just constantly 😯😯😯. I began watching 911 when I started seeing posts circulating about Buck being bi. At the time I had no idea who he was other than the occasional gif set but it made me intrigued and I have been HOOKED. Literally trying to get through as many episodes as possible so I can watch the episodes live. Questions for you (since I have no one else to talk to about the show); when did you start watching? Have you had any predictions while watching the show that didn’t/ did come true? Like for me when I watched season 1 and Abby went to the fire department for the first time I SWORE up and down that her and Bobby were meant to be endgame (was clearly wrong lol). But also after Chris got stuck in the Tsunami I called it that something would happy to Harry later on (just a feeling that no one was safe lol, not even the kids). I’m just so curious to see what the fandom theories have been over time lol since I missed out on it!

Yeah, no, watching suspicion/survivors for the first time is WILD. Like, imma be honest and bit oversharing, I watched the show for the first time in a depressive episode, so I watched everything up to 5x10 in like, 6 days according to the posts I made on Tumblr about it, so I didn't realize theorize about anything, I was just hitting next episode like my life depended on it. But I didn't know anything about the show, like, at all, I had just watched 911 lone star in a weekend because it was on the tv and there were only like, 20 episodes of it out it at the time and a network in my country was just showing all of them on a loop, and I opened the Disney app fully intending to rewatch grey's anatomy, and 911 was the first show on my recommended to you list, and I had liked lone star enough, and was like sure why not. And I legit couldn't stop watching. All of this happened the week before 5x11 aired on the us, so 5x11 was the first episode I watched like "live" (the first episode I actually watched live was 5x16) but I watched it in the same week, I think I finished on a Tuesday? And the episode aired on Monday. I can't really give you any theories I have witnessed so far because they would be spoilers tho, but if you wanna come back once you catch up we can talk about some of the madness that goes around here. But I had the same thing happen to me, I didn't realize it was the season finale, and I didn't know anything about the show, so I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I had learned my lesson with the tsunami arc, because I watched 3x01 at like 3 am fully saying this is the last episode I will watch and then I'm gonna go to bed, and then the tsunami hit, and I was like well fuck and then Chris fell in the water and next thing I know is 5 am and Eddie is making me cry at the end there. But I saw the 13 and didn't realize the season only had 14 episodes and then everything kept happening. I seriously cannot imagine what it was like to be forced to wait a week between those 2 episodes it was SO CRAZY. When Eddie got shot I legit froze. Watching that for the first time not knowing it's coming is SOMETHING. I do remember thinking that they were gonna kill Shannon but I didn't expect to be right, I also remember clocking that Jason was Doug pretty fast. Something funny tho, I remember posting that meme that's like "I've had blank for 1 day and a half but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this room and myself" with Buck and I waited until I had been watching for a day and a half, that means I posted it while watching the season 2 finale. I hit post and the truck blew up and I legit went like ????????? and that is still the most ironic thing that ever happened to me while posting about 911 kspskspkspakapkapa (here's the post, I actually came back to edit the tags because I was in shock lol) and I laugh every time I remember that lol but I'm glad you're enjoying the show, you can come back to talk to me about it any time!;

[feiandart]

Posting 'em here again just to boost a bit my motivation today. I made 'em back in december, one of the first drawing I have ever made for myself only.

Will talk 'bout myself and my past from here, can skip it if you don't want my oversharing shit.

So. I used to work as a commission artist for years (5-6 if I'm not wrong), drew bit of anything you could think of and mainly sticked to NSFW art for most of my, uh, let me call that "carreer" even if it's probably the wrong term to use for it. Well, it paid my bills and rent for years, so we may stick to it anyway.

Thing is, I stopped drawing when I was eighteen. People, family first, always told me talent in art was all, practice would never have made it better and I should have kept it as a hobby rather than something to do as a job. Apart from my closest friends, no one encouraged me to practice and study and put real effort on it. I went to an art-based highschool (only because I couldn't focus on studying any subject, and art school is considered one in which you don't actually study at all here, so my parents thought it better to put me there as I wanted "so you can still graduate"), but I couldn't go ahead with art studies in professional comic schools, academies or any artistic department in university. No support on that front. Something like "be Caravaggio or be nobody" mindset was stuck into my head and I started actually believing that it was true. And since I was, and am not, Caravaggio, then what was the point? So I dropped the pencil and just forgot how to draw a fuckin' line for literal years.

Then I turned 22. I moved to another city for my studies. After completing 'em, my parents said me to come back home and I said no. They stopped paying anything for me since that moment, so I had to make things works on my own. Hopefully my rent was really low, so I could afford it with minimum effort, but had to buy groceries with coupons (not a common thing in Italy) and eat a lot less to make 'em last as much as possible. I found a job in a call-center, I cleaned houses and handed flyiers to people. And that's when I found out I cannot really be in social context for too long.

In the end I burned out, left all jobs and was stuck in bed for a month. I was barely 24, without a job, holding tight the little bit of freedom I ever got. I felt helpless and hopeless. I don't remember if my bestfriend or my housemate, but one of 'em said me to come back at drawing and givin' it a shot. What harm could that do afterall, could have been pocket money for a bit if it couldn't stick to something better.

I started from pencil. Then went to digital in a couple months. I practiced, started quite immediately taking commissions and honest to God I don't have the slightest clue of how someone whould spend money on some shit I drew without basic anathomy knowledge and after that much time without drawing. Still have no idea. So I drew. I made some quick animations, never did much there thought. Grew a little fanbase, went on with it for years. I even moved with my bestfriend, living with her alone for two years, got a cat I love that it's my actually support companion right now.

I felt happy for a bit, I believe. Imposter syndrome is always watching me afterall, that never stopped. It's just like there's another person in the room with me all day, whispering me I should do more 'cause I don't deserve any attention. Ugh.

However. I went on with that until 2023. I had to come back to my parent's house in 2022 and got stuck in here since then. Nightmare years. Still a nightmare period, but I'm managing. Thing is, past year I burned out so much I completed all my left commissions in a rush and actually dropped my tablet for months. I used it as a third screen, took away the pen and the glove and swore I would never ever be back at drawing again. Will not go into details of what triggered that burnout, but you got the point, I didn't want to draw again in my life at that time.

This is pretty much when Good Omens entered the room. It was late September, I saw a lot of videos on tiktok and since I watched S1 years ago, I decided to give it a shot to S2 too. It was an istant hyperfocus. Watched all over for weeks, both in italian, in english, in english with italian subs and english with english subs. Never done anything like that in my life before. By the end of October I came back at writing. So I started to arrange things for Up&Down, my first fic after uhm, like 15 years or so. And it felt so good! I went through 42 days of deep writing, posting a chapter a day just for myself. 'cause I wanted to write something I liked for the sole purpose of liking it. And it felt so liberating!

Then I thought: will this apply to drawing too, maybe?

Answer is YES. It did. I was inspired from the fandom, from MrGhostRat's art and Gleafer's, and started drawing again. I dug into english fanfictions, fandom artists I love, and the list just gets longer day by day. I started writing Sugar, and with it I started drawing illustrations for it.

I went from the image to the left to the one to the right in two months. Guys, I'll repeat it: TWO MONTHS. I never had such a quick improvement in years, practicing every fuckin' day, drawing my hands out of my bloody body. I drew for 5-6 years and never got to improve this much. I did now. And you know why?

'cause I started drawing for myself. I'm doing something I love. And I'm getting better at it.

And you know what? I'm quite angry now. 'cause if I didn't stop years ago, who knows where I could have been now. If I didn't listen to people saying me "be Caravaggio or be nobody", I could have done so much more by now. Maybe I could have been able to draw fuckin' furnitures by now. Maybe I would have started being able to draw the same face two times in a row years ago insted of now.

Maybe I could have been the comic artist I wanted to be. Maybe not the best in the world, but I don't fuckin' care of being the best one, I want to be one I'm proud of. I didn't get the chance 'cause out there is full of people without a dream who's only purpose in life is destroying other people hopes.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I'm done with people saying me I'm not a gifted child. I'm done with people coming at me saying I cannot do shit I love 'cause they have reason to make me do something different. People thinks to know what's good for me but I'm fuckin' 30 and I think I know it pretty well already, thank you very much.

I'm managing how to get hold of my choices and things I love now that I'm an adult, but dear Lord I keep on thinking of my young self and I want to hug that poor thing so much I can't explain. I'd love to say her everything's going to be hard, but good in some way. That things are difficult, but they will change. That people are shit, but she should be strong and fight back. 'cause I did it too late and I regret now, but she deserved better.

You deserves better. And I'm talking to anyone who's reading this. I don't know if you went all the way 'til here, but if you did: don't make my same mistakes. You know better than me. Don't let people spoil the things you love, don't give 'em power to destroy your will and put you in a closet for the time being. You don't deserve that.

Don't miss your chance 'cause people doesn't want to see you happy to be yourself. Don't do that. They don't deserve that power over you.

Love yourself more than I loved myself. I'm starting just now and it's hell. You can do better, I promise.

[morningstar-chronicles]

okay i can't believe i didn't share this dream with y'all today?? it's lowkey the only thing happening in my brain right now.

okay. so, as some of you may know, i'm a very spiritual, witchcraft-y, paganism/wiccanism person, right? all of that stuff is super super interesting to me, and i'm not totally sure how to label my religious belief system, but my spiritual and religious beliefs are really special to me!

read more bc the context for the dream is LONG and also a lot of it gets like... DEEPLY personal so if you're not chill with knowing me like that, feel free to skip over.

okay, so, for context, there was this boy i grew up with, and i was absolutely WHIPPED for this man. why? i don't really know. he's kind of mediocre, actually, but something about him is absolutely fucking entracing to me. like, i would dare say i'm in love with him. i've never had a crush this bad before or since. we'll call this guy jayden (my DR s/o is based off this man).

my actual relationship to jayden was always very complicated. we totally hated each others guts in middle school. this was for a lot of different, complicated reasons, but the main one was that my (ex-)best friend told me a lot of stuff about him that was wildly unflattering to say the least, and also blatantly untrue. so i was um. really mean to jayden. mostly because i was under the impression that he was a bully and a racist. now was he a bully? kind of. but he was also a fourteen year old boy. and also he totally wasn't racist, which i found out many years later.

anyway, i dropped the best friend and fate put jayden right next to me in tenth grade history. i realized he was actually quite funny and sweet, and kind of good-looking, and now my life is ruined. i was too much of a coward to ever reach out and talk to him, or explain my middle school self's actions. i did end up apologizing for being a massive dick to him, and he kind of apologized for being mean to me as well (even though i literally don't think he was ever mean to me??? like i cannot recall a single instance of him being mean to me specifically), and then we never spoke again. but i kinda fumbled my shot with him, even though legit everyone was like "hale don't be stupid he's fully in love with you". i left him a stupid anonymous note confessing my crush like some kind of child, and then started flirting with another guy who i didn't really care about to mask the fact that i liked jayden. jayden blocked me soon after. which. fair.

my ex-best friend uhhh. kind of sucked really bad. we'll call her lorelai. i ended up dropping a lot of friends because lorelai just told me shit about them that was blatantly untrue, including one of my other childhood best friends. we'll call him joel.

so, joel and i were never all that close actually. i think we were just close in my head. either way, i ended up having a lot of regret surrounding both jayden and joel, because looking back i think we could have had really good connections, and because of how things happened with lorelai, i never really learned how to make friends. like, i still don't really know? i think i'm kind of undersocialized. not the point. i think i'm oversharing.

so, finally getting to the dream!!! jayden and i were in some kind of class together. i think it was like a gym class outside of school? and he and i were talking, but only because we didn't really know anyone else, and we were the only two people our age there. everything was really awkward.

suddenly the dream fully stops. the scene around me fades, and i'm in this strange, white-light, liminal space. some kind of spirit appears wearing joel's face, and he tells me that i screwed things up with jayden because i was afraid, and that i was so unhappy with my current life because i never acted upon my desires, and any actions i did take didn't have my whole heart behind them. then i woke up.

let me tell you... i have NEVER, in my life, had a dream that vivid or that blunt. so, of course, i wake up shaken. i immediately text all my spiritual friends, and they all think it's super weird. i start examining some of my decisions and why i'm so unhappy in life, and it kind of hits me- yeah. i do lack follow-through. i'm too scared to actually do the things i know will be best for me, because i always worry about affecting other people in a negative way. i don't go after what i want, and i never have. today i blocked a few people in my life who've been continuously causing me stress, and who i was previously too scared to block, and i was instantly a million times happier. it was like ten pounds was just fully lifted off my shoulders.

and then ANOTHER funny thing happened- i turned on this song, which i've been playing on loop for like a full week. inertia, by ajr. can you guess what that song is about? correct! being to scared/unmotivated to follow through on what's best for you, even though you're unhappy with where you are.

and now i'm imagining my spirit guides watching me and being like "this dumb bitch-" and then sending me that dream. honestly, i thank them. i would NEVER have gotten the message otherwise.

i don't really know what the moral here is but today has just been. so crazy. and now i'm genuinely going to rethink my life.

[tellywoodtrash]

// trigger warning for abuse and panic attacks //

hello TT. I'm so sorry for oversharing but i literally don't know what to do right know.

I'm 18 and my parents are abusive in an physical, mental, emotional, and every other sense.

I'm going to college this year and for years i thought that if i could just move away for college, i would be able to heal away from them. i would finally be free.

but they didn't let me apply to any out-of-state colleges. so now I'm stuck with them till idek how long. i wish i could just rent a tiny appartment or something but i don't have the money. and i can't live in any in state hostels either because they don't accept students who live in the same state.

as a result, my depression and anxiety has gotten so much worse. im having multiple panic attacks a day and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how i will survive anymore torture from them. i don't see a way out for myself. what should I do?

Dearest baby friend,

First offf, sending you biggest and tightest hugs. You are being very brave reaching out to me through your pain.

Crappy parents are just a shitty lottery result, and the worst bit is, you cannot change them. What you can change however, is how you react to them. It will take a lot of work, but train yourself to not hear the shitty things they say to you. It's extreeeemely difficult to grow out of wanting your parents' approval (esp. for us desis) but that's what you've got to do. By now you must have realised that no matter what you do, there's no pleasing them. So fuck it. Do what you think is right (PRUDENTLY, within reason; try not to rock the boat too much) and fuck their opinion. It's just white noise. Stop allowing them to affect your mood. Free yourself from them emotionally, and you'll see a lot of their power over you is diminished.

Is there anyone in the extended family you could reach out to? An aunt/uncle/grandparent etc? Maybe just work on forming a bond with someone like that, an adult whom you can trust to have your wellbeing at heart. Worst situation, you can move out to their place. But that's just in case of emergencies.

Now that you're starting college, I assume you'll have a little more freedom than you did in school, time wise. Try and use that to spend as much time away from your parents, whether it be in the college library, or with friends, etc. Come back home at reasonable times, and then just say you're exhausted and go be in your own space. Try and build a life outside of home and treat this just as a place to come rest your head at night.

Most importantly, you need to start creating an action plan to become financially independent as soon as feasibly possible. The sooner you have your own money, the quicker you can break your parents' control over you. You can move out to PGs or working women's hostels, or whatever. There are a buncha places that will pay you for small online tasks, like fiverr and upwork and stuff. All you need is your computer and an internet connection. If you have skills like graphic design and video editing etc, even better. Do some research into those. Depending on your college major, your professors might be able to help you get some small stuff within the college as well, as a research assistant or something of the sort. If/when you find a professor you form a good bond with, tell them you're interested in participating in projects or whatever, and that they should keep you in mind. These professors will also be able to give you good recommendation letters and connections when you graduate and are looking to move into the job market.

Since you don't have much disposable income rn, I realise it might not be feasible to suggest therapy to you; but please know there are online options that take like, a 1000 - 2000 bucks per session (look up The Mind Clan.) If that's not possible, I'd like you to try doing some self therapeutic reading that might be helpful. Research books written by professionals in the field (for eg Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward; and Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa) and absorb their messages and do the exercises if any, to help yourself understand how this relationship has affected both your mental and physical health, identify patterns that you may have built up as defense mechanisms to cope, and how to move forward with healing.

Please know, that you WILL eventually make it out of this situation. Maybe not now, maybe not in the current foreseeable future; but eventually you WILL become financially and emotionally independent from your parents and will be able to do as you wish. It's just about hanging in there a little longer. Use this time to prepare yourself to be self sufficient in the real world, and freedom shall come sooner than later.

Please take care of yourself in the meantime. I love you lots and am rooting for you.

[backpackingspace]

okay were getting deep oversharing with the internet times bc I'm going to react to dw through my trauma lense. Specifically hell bent and heaven sent here we go.

So far so good.

Listen will I be grateful if these episodes no longer trigger me to hell and back. Will I also be pissed that I've spent years being triggered by this show when the original trigger episodes no long trigger me? Yes. Yes I will be.

Never mind there will be no deeper meaning sound here the doctor is trying to dry his doc martins up right and laced up and its annoyed me so much it's all I will associate with this episode now.

The doctor talking himself into being brave o.o baby. Also me. Talking myself into doing anything with heights.

Sprays last thought like a cat no bad. Making me based comparisons is how this whole mess got started

Oh. Yep there it is. Being forced to relive the things that scares you on purpose forever. "I'm scared and I'm alone" ha ha yah fuck

Okay listen self. If the doctor being forced to relive his wrost fears on purpose is torture than you being forced to relive your worst fear is torture. I know we don't want to accept that don't want to accept its that bad but it is.

Oh hey the losing time thing too?? Haha yah

The sleep deprivation

"Maybe I'm in hell" "how long do I have to be here? Forever?" Yah it sure did feel that that.

"Asking a skull if it's still scared" yah passively contemplating death so I didn't have to be scared anymore. That sure was a thing.

"There's something I'm missing and I think it's something terrible" literally shut the hell up

Im actually finding this really helpful to be able to go through and label my emotions and thoughts about my situation might show this to the brand new shiny therapist I now have.

"I'm playing someone else's game I cannot stop and everyone else has lost" man if we're taking ever line as a metaphor for what was done to me. This therapist had a deal with a school man. It literally terrifies me to think of how many kids she's messed up like she messed me up. Both before and after because let me tell you. She was so fucking good at messing you up. Took literally 3 sessions to get you dependent on her and going insane.

The clinging feeling of desperation that you just have to get through this it gets worse before it gets better.

"The I can't keep doing this rant"

the way he's just sitting defeated against the wall? Yah I saw that expression everyday for years. That hits hard.

Okay not trauma related but the doctor saying I remember it all everytime when we've been lead to believe he doesn't like talk about a hell. Talk about good story writing. I've never caught that before!!

The way the doctor looks so tired. Yah that's framilar too. Also the having to be strong as your body gives up you that sure was a thing too.

Okay but literally this episode is so good. I fucking love the doctors dying speech in this it's only one of my favorite episodes of tv ever. Which is in part of why losing it hit me so hard.

hey if the rooms revert how come the shovel has dirt on it and the clues stays and the clothes are drying?? Finally some good old plot holes.

Also where is the food coming from like???

Okay but the sequence of the Shephards boy says is fucking fire

I want to know how long each time lap is

....thinking about how the tardis was left alone for 4.5 billion years.

Okay no because I should have been able to trust the therapist and the doctor should have been able to trust the time dial!! They were tools meant to HELP HEAL TURNED INTO PAIN AND TRUAMA

[punkscowardschampions]

Ruster pt.1

Buster: [Okay so this children's easter egg hunt is assumedly the first activity that’s going on once everyone has arrived because the children are feral and must burn off some energy, so as we said, Buster will be sticking to Ava like glue, soz hun, but in fairness that does probably mean you’ll win because he’s a child of baze and nobody else could ever be that competitive, so lowkey you’re welcome, he’ll be getting involved in the egg race for the same reason, any distraction, please and thanks, but we should say that’s like after dinner or whatever, give the kids something else to do later on, I see him potentially talking to Ali like he said to his mum he would literally when they first get there too so that he doesn’t have to awkwardly greet anyone else because not in the mood, he might talk to y’all later when he’s had a drink, he might not]

Rio: [that makes sense, it is the main event as far as the children are concerned and some adults aka the men can supervise that whilst the others aka the women finish up the food, Rio you will have to help Grace and act like you aren’t just watching this boy from the second he gets here, for all the usual reasons you are but now to see how he is, as if you can completely understand that from a distance, and from paranoia he’s going to tell your mum/tell everyone your awful secret, nbd]

Buster: [imagine if that’s what he was talking to Ali about instead of the Junior saga legalities like a nerd, Rio’s nerves are gonna be shot this entire day because thankfully not and likewise however much I’d love for him to announce it at the lunch table he isn’t going to, but she doesn’t know that, meanwhile I’m dying because we all know this easter egg hunt is massive and across this whole ass farm but there’s still no way y’all won’t run into each other at least once during it and however much he’s focusing ALL his efforts on Ava and speed-running getting all these eggs you will both still wanna die, hey Grace soz Rio is not at all focused when you need all the help you can get but c’est la vie, we’ll enjoy the mental visual of how baby Grace is undoubtedly dressed for this function]

Rio: [it is what you deserve I suppose girl but big yikes, at risk of outing yourself with the blind panic but you want to take this to your grave still naturally so you’ll stop just short of that, so deeply awkward and uncomfortable, out here dissociating/having a panic attack but wandering around with Grace who probably looks like a human easter basket and is gabbing away to you a mile a minute and will end up cross that you’re not listening at all lol]

Buster: [he’s got a slightly better poker face now that he’s had the mum overshare outlet thank god because if not he’d be an actual liability today and could not have come lol, casual fit aside nobody is gonna know what’s up so soz gal you’ll be thinking he’s fine while you’re falling apart at the gig, but at least you do know him and his tells when he isn’t literally running away from you under the guise of being overly invested in an easter egg hunt so you’ll eventually find out he is not fine, haha meanwhile Grace will be SULKING ™ over lunch and not sitting next to Rio, we should be evil/foreshadow and say she sits next to Nancy instead, that girl deserves to be annoyed by baby Grace more than anyone does]

Rio: [one of you has to be slightly more together and it is not this girl, thank the lord for the drinks you can down to seem like you’re getting into the party spirit when you’re simply trying to cope, me like Grace you are the least of our worries, do go annoy that girl because the way we can’t even entertain it remotely today cannot be overstated, have clearly helped put this together and are technically helping shit run smoothly currently but having to check so far out to not have to look at him being ‘okay’ and talking to your mother]

Buster: [soz that he’d accidentally be making you feel like pure shit because he’s being brother of the year to Ava rn and you cannot even follow what Grace is doing or saying and therefore he has also not even had a drink yet (unheard of for him and thus a tell in itself that he is not ‘okay’ because he clearly doesn’t trust himself to/wanna go down that road rn when he promised his mum he’d look after Ava and doesn’t want her to think he’s suicidal/having a full blown menty b) but yeah, he’d be pissing you off so much on the low I’m sure, you’re welcome though for Grace stealing away Nancy so she can’t quiz you constantly about Moses, that’s a blessing, the way he’d sit as far away as possible from Rio during this meal is actually hilariously unsubtle, it won’t stop him from staring at her glass though wherever he is, checking how many drinks she is downing while he’s realistically on his first at the start of said meal]

Rio: [here confirming all the things he said about you to him and to yourself is how that’ll feel in this moment but you can’t not be in this freaked out space so you can truly only lean into it like ah yep, I’m a shit sister and I’m going to kick back and get wasted because what’s the point of trying else at this point, Nancy is probably messaging Moses at this table rn also not paying attention lmao, that checking is going to feel so judgmental too which will only make you feel worse and thus more mad, when it’s dessert/cheeseboard/coffee time we’re absolutely getting behind whatever bar situation there is here and offering to make everyone drinks because new job as far as everyone is concerned you’re just showing what you didn’t need to learn but it’s purely to stop yourself saying something to this boy when you’ve said you’ll leave him alone]

Buster: [mhmm it would look so judgemental because he is angry at her for getting herself in this mess etc but also because she gets to openly be a mess rn while he’s having to hold it together so it isn’t just the straight forward concern/worry that he also shamelessly feels, nobody would bat an eye at that though because he projects the image of being a judgy cunt, once again getting away with it despite the hypocrisy of him having a drink during the starter, another and a top up with the main course (both of which are giving whatever wine is on the table) and a whiskey after coffee because he’s that bitch instead of pudding like I said when they went on a date that time, I see you with drinks you can pour for yourself so that you don’t have to interact with her even when she’s doing the barmaid bit, which you would normally love and use as an excuse to flirt under better circumstances, I also see him getting some kind of card game going to steal her thunder and as an excuse to once again be a competitive bitch and hide behind the distraction]

Rio: [the vibes are rancid and if you weren’t teenagers people would really accuse you of bringing the energy down but you are so you get away with your lack of social graces more than the adults who are meant to be somewhat put together do, gotta focus on being a barmaid like you’re actually at work because can’t stand to look at him but you also can’t just mope off because you don’t want to be accused of talking to Moses when you are meant to be broken up so you have to stay in it to win it and keep in the function despite really wanting to run away]

Buster: [mhmm, catch this boy being the dealer to do his own showing off at how well he can shuffle but also to cheat by giving the good cards to whichever of his faves are playing, idk if Ava is, but defs you if you are gal and Fearghal and Bea if not, if he doesn’t like you you’re getting shit cards, watch out Nancy haha, I’m sure you’re still talking to Moses/not paying attention anyway if you are playing but yeah, shameless antics here on this day]

Rio: [the way you’re barely resisting the petty urge to point out that he’s cheating when you clock it because of course you do and that is the type of point scoring you feel reduced to now but it isn’t worth it so you just have to roll your eyes like it’s that obvious and start clearing the big table of all the plates because why not clatter about angrily with some cutlery and dishes like a mum]

Buster: [we all know she had to bite the inside of her mouth so hard to resist pointing that out, him included, hence he’d give her a look that’s fully DARING her to, again in better circumstances he’d mouth that he dares her to but we’re not flirting we’re mad lol lol, just make an unimpressed noise that’s giving can’t get the staff at her antics as if she’s gonna break a plate/bowl/glasses/whatever because we’ll lean hard into being a rich boy snob whenever we don’t wanna be ourselves, keep playing for a minute and resist the urge to immediately follow her though we all know you eventually will because can never resist, it’s perfectly feasible you’re getting up to be going to the bathroom or whatever we don’t need to pretend you’ve had a personality transplant and are helping clean up in the eyes of anyone else, catch him deliberately crossing paths with her in the kitchen whether that’s on route or the literal opposite of where he should be (however fleeting this moment will end up being before someone else realistically comes to help clean up) and STARING at her like he’s never seen her before]

Rio: [throwing a ‘do you want to do it?’ over your shoulder as you leave this room/area; because downstairs is very open-plan honestly, like if y’all are still in the fancy conservatory that’s through some sliding doors that are always open so yeah, no hiding down here unless you’re going into Ali’s room or Baby Maggie’s nursery, which you are not, the downstairs bathroom is that way though so that’s where you’ll have to be going, Buster; big tangent because the point is that that’s usually said in a sassy manner like well excuse me and that’s how it’ll be taken broadly but we know (me and my boo and y’all) that it was not meant in an affectionately sarcastic manner at all it was much more of a FUCK YOU, becoming even more of one when he comes and STARES at you, gesturing with your hands like well?! Accidentally flicking washing up water at him because of how dramatically you make said gesture, once again fuming when it must be stated we’re not that girl as a rule]

Buster: [iconic of him not to stay seated and wait for a time when y’all would have a lil bit more privacy but the point kinda always is that at this fam functions you never do because peeps everywhere and things happening all the time so you’ve gotta pick your moments whenever you can and he is, even if when he’s here he doesn’t really know what to do or say for a beat because there is too much he could and yet also couldn’t because of the aforementioned reasons, settling for stepping away DRAMATICALLY as if that tiny amount of water she flicked is gonna make him melt/he really cares about his expensive af clothes when he didn’t once during the egg hunt, literally going as far as he possibly can towards the downstairs bathroom though not backing into the sliding doors he just came through and closer to everyone ‘don’t’ because it could just be slipping out like excuse you don’t attack me with washing up water but we all know it means much more than that and is said much quieter than if he was sassily retorting]

Rio: [you’re never having guaranteed privacy and at least a lot of hoes are still seated and the rest have wandered off to walk that meal off so it’s not like everyone is congregating in the kitchen at least, you’d catch Bea doing the washing up before Alison and she’s not gonna let her, it’s meant to be a party the whole time not a party and chores lol but this girl needs to, to stop herself from doing she doesn’t even know what but just that she must, looking at him with as much disgust as you can muster like he’s being a giant baby about this washing up water and there’s nothing else in that look ‘what?’ said so quietly and turned away from him by this point that it isn’t really a question, just daring him to say something more than that himself]

Buster: [shaking his head at her disgust like how dare you be disgusted at me rn I should be/am pretending I am disgusted at you, the audacity, because that’s all he’s choosing to see in the look despite the obvious other things there are cos that’s the easiest rn, giving her 😠 vibes with his expression before she’s too turned away to see it, when she is, messing around with what we (only jemily) know is her broken necklace he has carried around with him at all times since but she won’t because in his pocket rn and she’s not facing him ‘it was your decision and you’d make exactly the same one given the chance again’ like excuse you don’t be mad at me for how shit this is when you did it]

Rio: [flapping him away with the tea towel you’re holding so dismissively again over your shoulder as you find the nearest wine bottle and have a swig (rude when there are guests but we’re all family here I guess lol) like I’ve got this handled, as you can see, thank you ‘I don’t need your help’ like he’s come to offer help for real, if anyone hears but we know it isn’t about the washing up at all, that’s being said at normal volume if not slightly louder for the dismissal of it all but when we speak again it is quiet once more because this isn’t for everyone/anyone to hear necessarily ‘I shouldn’t be here’ because the plan was not to do what we did and still be here, in this position, but he has thwarted that as far as we’re concerned]

Buster: [breaching at least some of the massive gap he caused earlier with his dramatic step away but not getting closer than about halfway yet, as if he’s doing it purely to be petty because she wants him to go away and showed it via a tea towel, but closing it fully when she swigs from this wine bottle to grab her wrist (lingering over that for a beat longer than necessary, always) and take it from her, downing what’s left as if only so she can’t have it (we’ll pretend again it’s petty and not coming from a place of concern at how much she’s already drank) grimacing slightly after because wine is horrible tbh even when it’s expensive af and I imagine he downed quite a bit there ‘you shouldn’t be anywhere else’] 

Rio: [jumping like he’s burnt you with this wrist grab because not only do you genuinely want him (always) but you now have the added shame-based fear that you will not be able to stop yourself jumping him or something if you two are this close, pushing away from him like you’re really offended about this wine when you couldn’t give a shit ‘the world is big enough for us both’ because you get to leave and I don’t?]

Buster: [when that jump breaks his heart into even more pieces because he can tell it’s involuntary and he thinks it’s because he’s broken hers that much (thanks mcvickers) that she can’t bear to be touched by him, stepping back again not as dramatically technically but more dramatically therefore because he isn’t trying to be OTT and is genuinely like okay I’ll get away from you if that’s what you want, throwing this empty wine bottle into the recycling with more force than is necessary because it’s his own banging plates and cutlery moment ‘no it isn’t’ almost getting lost in the noise of that because the world isn’t even big enough for him to really leave]

Rio: [‘I’m over it’ even though you sound as over it as you are, which is not at all but you have to at least say it, to try not to feel so utterly pathetic, watching this bottle crash into the recycling without flinching, barely taking it in, even though you are enough to raise your voice to be heard over said clattering there ‘you have it, with the win’ very why not you’ve got everything else here whilst I have NOTHING]

Buster: [‘I know’ said quietly for how bitterly it needs to be because he thinks she’s well and truly over him because of the roses of it all, his turn to effectively have his back to her as if staring at this recycling is necessary ‘what win?’ louder as he turns to face her again, not too loud, he hasn’t fully forgotten where they are but in comparison it would feel it, because he feels like he has NOTHING himself and he can’t bear it because shamelessly the only time in his life ever that’s been remotely true, crossing his arms like he needs a bigger hug than his soft af jumper can provide]

Rio: [stunned blinking at him for a beat before shaking your head and turning away, fully head back down and washing up here because you’ve told him that’s not the case but he cannot/will not believe that so what use is it telling him again here and now, only looking up to look out towards the game they are assumedly still playing without this boy and shrugging ‘you’re stacking the cards’ like if you aren’t winning when you’re calling all the shots then that’s your problem, boy]

Buster: [here not at all casually fuming that she won’t answer to her crimes against him and is instead washing up again, taking the broken necklace out of his pocket to angrily throw it in the bin but he cannot bear the thought of getting rid of it even now so he doesn’t and instead puts it back, all unseen while she’s still cleaning up ‘why would I play fair when you aren’t?’ because everything she’s done feels that unfair not just to him personally but so many people around the table that she’s looking at rn]

Rio: [me like thank God you couldn’t see any of that because who knows what kind of drama would unfurl instantly and no one is ready for that however it went down, scoffing and shaking your head incredulously ‘well, how else are you going to maintain your better-than-you attitude?’]

Buster: [thank god he didn’t actually throw it away cos imagine having to go through the bin with all the old gross lamb when you inevitably change your mind ‘by truly being better than you’ strutting in the direction of the bathroom like and good day because can’t drag her and then not actually behave in a more superior manner lol, up to you if he makes it there or you wanna intercept him sis to keep this argument going]

Rio: [you’ll only get flashbacks to trying to force him to talk to you at his and technically he started this conversation so you haven’t bothered him so you better let him go and be out the kitchen when he walks back through]

Buster: [my boo says best behaviour thank you, go and do your egg race when you get back boy, that’ll temporarily distract you, so you’re welcome, then everyone can go to the parade and you can tell your mum you don’t want to and she won’t make you because she been knew]

Rio: [I imagine you are meanwhile somewhere with Nancy and Django getting drunk because Nancy always will and Django isn’t doing well so he will also indulge more than we should because nothing but getting out of your head quite literally is going to cut it, excuse us to these eggs and these antics, I’m sure you helped collect and hardboil them, you’ve done your bit lol]

Buster: [is she gonna go to the parade or nah, cos if she is they can type talk thanks to her drunkenness and if she isn’t they’re literally gonna have the chance to be more alone, both are vibes]

Rio: [hmm, like, in character, if you hear that Buster isn’t going then you should go honestly because you wouldn’t have before just to be alone with him and you won’t be accused of not trying lol]

Buster: [it tracks, do you wanna come at me or shall I come at you?]

Rio: [I’ll come at you, she’s the drunker party, you can be messy girl, assume this isn’t the second they leave the house, idk how long this parade really is but say we’re a bit through it lol]

Rio: Say thank you

Buster: For what?

Rio: For letting you stay even though it’s my house and I don’t want to be here

Buster: You wouldn’t want to be here either, you already said you don’t

Rio: I don’t want to be where everyone is, they’re all here

Buster: Being alone isn’t going to do you any favours, so actually, you’re welcome

Rio: Again one rule for you and another for everybody else

Buster: You’re the only one behaving as if no rules apply

Rio: I haven’t talked to you all day

Buster: That isn’t what I was referring to, but congrats

Rio: It wouldn’t be

Buster: You won’t receive flowers for doing the bare minimum

Rio: And if we’re not talking you can only berate me so much via snide digs and dirty looks

Buster: The dig was yours, but that’s beside the point

Buster: we have no reason to talk, we said our piece last time

Rio: Of course, if you say it then it’s law

Buster: I’m not going to create them, even when I am qualified

Rio: Just how you act

Buster: I don’t put on an act for you, but you’re right, perhaps I should

Rio: There is no us, that’s what you said

Rio: any act for them is an act for me too

Buster: There is no us because of what you did

Rio: Yeah

Buster: It’s black and white now

Rio: You’re welcome

Buster: Yeah

Rio: What you always wanted and it’s not even your birthday

Buster: I’m always ahead of the curve at getting what I want

Rio: Congrats

Buster: You haven’t needed anything to drink to thus far but go ahead, by all means

Rio: You keep judging like it makes you happy

Buster: I did, and am doing, what I had/have to

Buster: going above and beyond is entirely your thing

Rio: What part of I don’t want to be here don’t you get

Rio: you don’t forgive me? Guess what, I don’t forgive you

Buster: Then leave, no-one would want you here if they knew the truth

Buster: I’m not asking for your forgiveness, I did the right thing

Rio: Then leave

Rio: you threatened me to not but now you don’t care

Buster: Caring about you is useless if you don’t in the slightest about yourself

Rio: You can’t so let’s not act like it’s because I don’t love myself

Buster: And yet, I always will

Rio: No, you can’t

Buster: I can’t stop, if I was going to, I would have when we were [dare kiss age]

Rio: So you can resent me even more?

Rio: You’ll have to work it out, I’m not having it

Buster: Let’s not act like I’m without a plan, that’s what America is

Buster: we can both face facts, I’ll be too busy to even think of you once I’m out there

Rio: America is nothing to do with me

Rio: and we’ll still see each other the same amount we do now

Buster: I won’t be catching flights as often as I do now, you won’t have to see me

Rio: It’s not a plan but you don’t want to hear that

Buster: Yes it is

Rio: So’s me leaving with Moses then

Buster: Technically, but that’s a shit plan

Rio: At least I’d really be gone

Rio: my point is still true, some years all you really do is Christmas, it’ll be no different, ever

Buster: You’d be throwing your life away, I’m building mine, that’s the difference

Rio: Why would you care?

Buster: Why wouldn’t I?

Buster: I’ve just told you I’ll never be able to not

Rio: You want me to grovel

Rio: even though it’ll make no difference

Buster: As you pointed out, it’d achieve nothing

Rio: That’s great, Buster, fucking great

Buster: You aren’t fucking sorry, why on earth would I want to hear another insincere apology?

Rio: I’m sorry that everything is this fucked

Buster: You’re sorry you blurted out the truth about his identity, that’s all

Rio: I wish

Buster: With regards to me, your secret possibly being revealed is your sole concern

Buster: you don’t care how I feel

Rio: Don’t be stupid

Buster: Don’t be such a hypocrite, all things considered

Buster: no-one’s been a bigger idiot, the win is entirely yours

Rio: I know 

Rio: it wasn’t about winning

Buster: Obviously, you’re at risk of losing everything

Buster: which is why I wanted to check how you were, with my own eyes, that’s the only reason I’m here

Rio: is it?

Buster: Contrary to popular belief and Ava’s indisputable egg hunt success, of course it is

Rio: I didn’t think you were here for the chocolate

Buster: I don’t trust anyone else to know if you’re really okay

Buster: granted, today you aren’t hiding it very well and maybe I could’ve spared myself the journey, but typically

Rio: How was I supposed to intuit that before you got your flight

Rio: and I’m only in this state because I had to see you 

Buster: You’re wasted, I saw you go off with Nance

Buster: whereas I promised mum I’d get a flight, as well as some other marginally less worrying behaviour for the foreseeable, neither of which you were previously aware of so you weren’t expecting to, but I suppose you can blame me now we have seen each other

Rio: See, you’re here because your mammy told you to be, liar

Buster: In truth, you know she wouldn’t and couldn’t have made me

Buster: I told you why I’m here

Rio: And I didn’t get drunk before you got here

Buster: Are you sure? You got drunk pretty quickly if you didn’t start early, babe

Rio: I know what you’re getting at

Rio: but it’s still true, I don’t know how to be around you

Buster: I’ll go to ours before you get back, it’s fine

Buster: at least there will forever be that singular benefit to having a house in Dublin

Rio: The days nearly done now, you may as well see it through

Buster: Like you said, I’ve done almost all of it, no-one can claim I didn’t show willing

Rio: You can do what you want

Rio: but what difference does it make now

Buster: It’ll spare you alcohol poisoning, arguably the difference between a trip to A&E and the alternative instead being no more than an embarrassingly early night

Rio: I’m not going to end up in A&E

Buster: Because you call it the ED, a loophole I’m not interested in nor amused by

Rio: No, it’s just not going to happen

Buster: You being around me if you can’t, don’t know how to or simply don’t want to, doesn’t need to happen either

Buster: I’ll leave, it’s quite simple, however many roads are closed for the parade

Rio: Don’t go, alright

Buster: Don’t drink yourself to death on my account

Rio: It’s not just you, is it

Rio: even if it’s you I want to see least, all things considered

Buster: As per, enough of it is my fault

Buster: the last thing I want is to see you like this

Rio: None of it's your fault

Buster: Bullshit

Buster: I remember what I did, I’m sober

Rio: That was equally nan and grandad’s fault

Rio: I’m not pushing them under the nearest float

Buster: I didn’t deal him [whatever bad cards would be for whatever game they were playing], that was forgetful of me

Rio: You don’t need to hold the grudge now, helped you dodge a bullet

Buster: Well, I’d offer to make him a [whatever drink] but you’ve been there and worn the bar towel

Rio: What was I meant to do, I weren’t there to hold a grudge, remember

Buster: You’re not meant to talk about yourself like that

Rio: Like what

Buster: As if I dodged a bullet

Rio: You say it then

Buster: Maintaining the necessary level of anger is no easier than any other facade, regardless of how genetically predisposed I am

Rio: It should come natural at this point

Buster: Our relationship is unnatural, it’s hardly surprising I’m going against type at any given time

Rio: Unnatural sounds like we were made in a fucking lab or something

Buster: If we had kids they could look like they belonged in one, you’re better off with him in that sense, do you know how horrific that is to have to think, never mind type out?

Rio: Of course I do, why do you think I’m that braindead it’s not entered my mind until you bring it up

Buster: Because you don’t want it to, you’re your mother’s daughter, everything’s a fucking fairy tale

Buster: until it’s not

Rio: You’re so arrogant you can’t envision yourself as anything but a fairytale, more like

Buster: You romanticised everything with him so much I literally vomited, firstly

Buster: and secondly, I’m not going to apologise for not wanting to cause genetic deformities

Rio: You’re not him and vice versa, firstly 

Rio: and secondly, where did I say I wanted to

Buster: Unless you’re hoping to land a knockout blow with an unfavourable direct comparison

Buster: a family is what you want, that’s the reality if you decide to have one with me

Rio: I’ll say you’re as bad as him if you tell me again what I want

Buster: Okay, tell me it isn’t

Rio: I’m 14, I don’t know what I fucking want

Rio: contrary to current company’s belief, that’s fine

Buster: It’s been what you’ve wanted since you were 4

Rio: Oh and what, I should take advice from a 4 year old

Rio: I also believed [insert childhood cliche here, you know the vibes] at the time

Buster: You’re allowed to change your mind, but you shouldn’t be forced to change it because of me

Rio: You can’t force me to do anything

Buster: For God’s sake, you know what I’m trying to say

Rio: Yeah, I know

Rio: I have thought about it, like I said, I’m not a moron

Buster: I didn’t mean that, I just don’t like thinking about it

Rio: I don’t like thinking about any of it

Buster: It should be a fairy tale, perfect, you’re the love of my life

Rio: It can’t be

Rio: but it never would be, I know you too well

Buster: Evidently not if that’s what you think

Rio: Perfect isn’t real, come on

Buster: [his own version of a childhood cliche] isn’t

Buster: striving for and putting in the hard work for something to become your ideal is a valid goal, I’m constantly improving myself, if I believed it was pointless, I wouldn’t

Rio: It’s not pointless in general

Buster: It’s not ever

Rio: I don’t get to be ideal

Buster: You were mine, you’ll get to be someone else’s

Rio: I was a fantasy

Buster: No, you’re real to me, I know you too well

Rio: We would have never made it outside your bedroom

Rio: quite literally proven

Buster: That isn’t because you only exist as flawless inside my head, that’s quite literally been proven false whenever you’ve existed in the same place as I am in the flesh

Rio: You want nothing to do with me

Buster: What I want is irrelevant, I can’t have anything to do with you and vice versa

Rio: It’s not irrelevant 

Buster: It doesn’t change anything

Rio: We could never have anything to do with each other, all that’s ever mattered is what we want, don’t chat shit

Rio: just admit that it’s properly over

Buster: Earlier you were saying it’s impossible to avoid each other

Rio: That isn’t what that means

Buster: It means we’ll never be completely over, no matter what

Rio: I don’t know what I’m meant to do, about you, about anyone

Buster: You’re 14, there’s nothing you can do about me right now

Buster: I’ll limit my visits where I can, same as I have been

Rio: That’s a solution for yourself but yeah

Rio: sure you should, like

Buster: You’re tortured by being at the same event as me, you’ll benefit equally from my absence

Rio: No, I won’t

Rio: it has everything to do with what I’ve done and practically nothing to do with your presence 

Buster: There isn’t a solution for me to offer that you’re willing to take, your guilt is going to continue to eat away at you while you’re keeping everything a secret

Rio: I didn’t ask for a solution, there isn’t one

Rio: because everything gets worse if it’s not a secret, actually

Buster: I’m aware, we’ve had that discussion

Rio: So don’t start

Buster: I’m talking about us and how to make things more bearable from purely that standpoint, because that’s the only part which I have any influence over

Rio: We have very different ideas about that

Rio: so do what you need to do, Buster

Buster: So you keep fucking mentioning but you never share any of yours

Rio: You know what I wanted and it didn’t work out

Rio: I’m not going to sit here and pretend with you that anything else is bearable, you stick to your fucking schedules if you want but it’s just a different hell to this one, no more, no less

Buster: Yeah, wanted, exactly

Buster: Am I meant to sit here and pretend you didn’t want him immediately afterwards?

Rio: Of course not, which is why I don’t get to fight for you

Buster: There isn’t anything to fight for, normal people take a breath

Buster: How do you expect me to believe that you ever wanted me?

Rio: We aren’t normal people

Rio: That was our lifetime in the making and the worst happened

Rio: it was for nothing, over, like that

Buster: I wasn’t comfortable asking you to give everything up, keep secrets and lie, or doing those things myself, so you found someone who is

Buster: you replaced me like I mean less than nothing, after a lifetime

Rio: No, it’s the opposite

Rio: It’s worse and he still doesn’t care, can’t help but let it be known

Buster: I don’t have the luxury of such a low IQ

Rio: Yeah and it’s not even about me 

Buster: It’ll be about you when it all goes to shit

Rio: No it won’t

Rio: he’d do this with anyone, probably has

Rio: so there’s nothing you need to have a identity crisis over

Buster: I don’t give a fuck about his motivations, you did this with him, it’s about you for me

Rio: I know

Rio: I’ve told you why

Buster: I need to go and be sick again before everyone gets back

Rio: I can’t unfuck him

Buster: I shouldn’t have shown up

Rio: I have reasons aside from you that that would be great but that’s not going to happen 

Buster: We’re right back here in August, but at the very least you’ve had prior warning

Rio: You think I’m not sorry

Buster: Like I said, you’re sorry you got caught, not that you did this in the first place, you don’t regret that or I wouldn’t have had to threaten you to make you stop

Rio: What’s the plan then

Rio: seriously, shall we feel guilty every single time we fuck anyone else, for the rest of our lives

Buster: You can do what you want

Rio: No I can’t

Buster: I already feel that way, it isn’t a choice

Rio: I’m sure you won’t believe me at this point but yeah, me too

Buster: I don’t know what to believe anymore

Rio: If I could tell you, I would

Buster: I thought I understood you, that whatever you did I’d always realise why, how your brain works, because fundamentally we were the same, despite any seemingly glaring surface differences, but I don’t and we aren’t

Rio: You want to see it as ruining my life, that’s why

Rio: I don’t need you to understand but I didn’t do it because fuck everyone and everything

Buster: If anyone finds out, fuck everyone and everything is the fallout

Rio: People wouldn’t, until it was too late

Buster: I did

Rio: That wasn’t part of the plan

Buster: A double life never goes according to one, as we know from experience

Rio: It’s not lost on me, how little anyone would care about us in comparison

Rio: but that doesn’t matter now, of course

Buster: Someone would’ve found out about us and my life would’ve been ruined

Buster: not as drastically in comparison doesn’t make me feel better

Rio: No it wouldn’t

Rio: you’d feel ashamed, it isn’t remotely the same thing but you can’t handle it 

Buster: You have no idea

Rio: Yes I do

Rio: no one would kill you or try to lock you up, for Christ’s sake

Rio: but people, friends to total strangers, would judge you and your family would probably be disappointed and that has to rule my world as well as yours

Buster: It doesn’t have to reach stoned in the streets or getting hung from a lamp-post because you’ve opted for the greatest extreme possible since, I’m allowed not to want my world to be centred around the bullshit forms it would take

Rio: You’re allowed to do whatever you want

Rio: I’m allowed to be pissed off about it

Buster: I’ve never said otherwise

Rio: And you can stop crying to me that I ruined it 

Buster: I’m not, I admitted I did, you didn’t want to hear it because your own guilty conscience was too loud

Rio: It’s fucking pathetic

Rio: to throw away a chance at happiness because of what people think of you, and not just your own chance, mine

Buster: I can’t undo it, you didn’t give me a chance to before moving on to someone else

Rio: You can pretend otherwise, now we’ll never know

Buster: We know you’ll waste no time in grabbing another, despite me apparently being your shot at happiness

Rio: I’d apologise but that’s exactly what you want me to do

Rio: limit your visits until you can practically disappear, I won’t try to stop you 

Buster: I intend to, and you can’t stop me

Rio: Whatever

Buster: You’re helping me understand what he sees in you, and vice versa, if nothing else

Rio: You already need to be sick, run along

Buster: I already did, fear not

Rio: Good because you know exactly what I see in him

Buster: Yeah, you spell it out every time you wish I’d shut the fuck up

Rio: Well it’s obviously all I care about

Buster: Of course, but feel free to remind me how old you are again to drive the point home further and let you pretend we’re strangers

Rio: We don’t need to roleplay

Buster: Online there are an abundance of other groomers

Rio: From your own mouth I leaped at the chance, no work required

Buster: It doesn’t mean no-one else would be willing to put some in, he’ll end up with some new friends to exchange ideas with too, everyone wins

Rio: Ha

Rio: I’ll stick to the one man whilst that’s an option, making it a numbers game doesn’t interest me

Buster: He isn’t an option

Rio: Let’s not play this one again

Buster: This isn’t a game and if it isn’t over I told you what I would do

Rio: Now it’s not

Buster: Have it your way

Rio: You don’t know anything

Buster: I know more than enough

Rio: Not to condemn him, it’s not a game

Buster: I’m taking it seriously, you’re not

Rio: I am, alright

Buster: You’re using him to point score and try and make me angry, well congrats, I am

Buster: everyone else will be too when they get back, but perhaps someone will eventually listen to how serious you allegedly are

Rio: Don’t 

Buster: I owe you nothing, I’m pathetic, remember

Buster: not to mention utterly selfish

Rio: You don’t owe me but you can’t do that to Edie

Buster: You and him did this to her, a team effort I have very little to do with

Rio: You’ll be doing it if you say anything

Buster: Well, that’ll be something else to live with then

Rio: You don’t need to

Buster: I do because you both need to be stopped

Rio: It’s not your job to stop it

Buster: Call it what you want to, including my petty act of vengeance, I could care less

Buster: you lied to me

Rio: Then I’ll leave, like you said

Rio: I’m going

Buster: If you leave it gives me more of an incentive to tell the truth myself, not less, your mum has already lost a child, she needs clues for where she should look for you, information to pass on to the police

Rio: Shut up

Buster: No, you’re seriously talking about putting her through that again

Buster: What’s wrong with you?

Rio: You tell me, what is wrong with me

Buster: I’m not going to write you a list

Rio: You aren’t going to say or do anything, leave

Buster: Stop seeing him or I’ll say everything, it’s that simple

Rio: Fine

Buster: Fine

Rio: Are we done now?

Buster: For now

Rio: For good more like

Buster: No, we’ll be done for good if/when you lie to me about him again, until then consider my silence a temporary reprieve 

Rio: I hate you for not manning up

Buster: I hate you for fucking a grown man, we’re far from even

Rio: I don’t owe you

Buster: Good because it isn’t a debt you’d ever be able to repay, as we’ve established

Rio: You wouldn’t want me to 

Buster: You don’t want to, and unlike your boyfriend I try not to rely on coercion, probably because I’m such a pussy

Rio: He’s not my boyfriend

Buster: I don’t care, I’m not short of my own labels for him

Rio: You should

Buster: According to you, I should do many things I’m not going to

Rio: You would’ve before

Buster: We don’t get to rewind, it’s rather key in everything being so shit

Rio: I can’t live with this

Buster: Living isn’t up for debate, you’ll somehow have to, I’m afraid

Rio: I’m serious, I don’t see how

Buster: Because dying isn’t an option and if you tell me again you’re going to, I won’t have a choice but to out that much of our conversation, seriously

Rio: There’s plenty of room between living and dying

Rio: I’m not saying that

Buster: All I can do is hope you aren’t lying, when that’s all you do

Rio: There’s no room in our lack of a relationship for anything else

Buster: Yes there is, truth takes up less room than constructing elaborate falses

Rio: Truth requires trust which by definition is broken

Rio: you’re incapable of believing me, doesn’t mean I’m lying by default

Buster: You lied about the most important thing, knowing I still trusted you after everything that had happened

Rio: I had no reason to stop

Buster: Obviously in your opinion none of mine were valid, I should’ve known you don’t possess even a base level of human decency by this point

Rio: Everything was ruined anyway, that’s what happens when you have nothing

Buster: I wouldn’t have the slightest idea because I don’t get to use being 14 and unsure as a excuse for making a mistake, only you do

Rio: Forget it

Buster: No, I fuck up and my bed isn’t close to being cold before you’re climbing into his, you gave me no time to fix it

Rio: I can hardly forgive you now, it means less than nothing

Rio: but we both played a part in that day and the mess of it, you’ve been blameless since

Buster: Being blameless since means nothing, I can’t fucking fix what I did wrong now

Rio: because I don’t deserve it, I know

Buster: Because he’s in your head

Buster: that’s where there’s no room for anything else

Rio: He’s at my job and in my phone and my ear

Rio: I haven’t been able to think about anyone else all day, that’s why you keep calling me selfish even though that’s your fault

Buster: When I touched you, you practically flinched

Buster: I don’t know what to fucking do

Rio: Because if I touched you you would’ve… I don’t even know but you would've been fuming at me, not that that was avoided anyway

Buster: I am at everyone if that’s any consolation

Rio: You can at least be especially at me

Buster: I was

Buster: or am, maybe, it isn’t as black and white as I’d prefer

Rio: I’m sorry

Buster: Don’t

Rio: I do want to make things better, try

Rio: just tell me what to do

Buster: Where’s the phone I bought you? He won’t be in your ear on a number he doesn’t have

Rio: I kept it, in case

Buster: Use it, you need space

Rio: I will

Rio: it’s best I just be blunt though, get it done

Buster: I’m not really giving you an insanely strict deadline, okay?

Buster: I know it’s not going to be easy

Rio: If I hide here at home for a while, let it die down

Buster: You can always hide at ours, either house

Rio: Even if you just don’t want to see me murdered, it’s really nice of you to offer

Buster: Please take me up on said offer, Dublin’s mostly empty, I’ll give you my key when you get back, pretend I lost it and get another cut when I return home to my other postcode

Rio: Okay, I’m sure I won’t need to but for your peace of mind and just in case again

Buster: Speaking of, meet me in the garden

Rio: Really?

Buster: We might as well physically fight, we’ve largely exhausted verbal

Rio: I mean, thanks for not just swinging on sight

Buster: I’d essentially have to directly at the ground, you’re as small as you are drunk

Rio: I am drunk

Rio: not that small

Buster: In comparison, since you love them so much

Buster: but if you can do it this gone, you’ll be able to if you’re crying or panicking or whenever else you may need to defend yourself, muscle memory will kick in

Rio: Of course I am in comparison to you

Rio: so you have to go easy

Buster: [comparing her to other peeps in the fam, like Janis at her age literally we can probably assume, that are all taller than her but going for the lols not the shamelessly tall people, like not just compared to me hehe]

Rio: It’s very unfair

Buster: You’re perfect, I told you

Rio: Perfect for you to win this fight, yeah

Buster: We’re fighting until you win, I’m going to show you how

Rio: I’ll try hard

Buster: I expect no less than 100%, both full concentration and maximum effort

Rio: It’s important

Buster: Perhaps I’ll finally sleep, thanks to you exhausting me or because I’m satisfied you’re safer, I’d take either

Rio: You’ll sleep, if all else fails you can catch up and get really drunk

Buster: The correct answer is, if all else fails you’ll knock me out, babe, come on

Buster: besides, I caught up slightly when you were shouting at me, in lieu of listening, naturally

Rio: Both are a given then

Buster: I said slightly, not drink for drink

Rio: Just saying you’ll be a good coach

Buster: I am, I’ve done it at the gym and on the pitch a lot

Rio: I’m not surprised

Buster: I wish Ava was on a team I could coach

Rio: What sports does she like now?

Buster: [answer that, idk so I can’t but you would]

Rio: You could, she’d like that too, I think

Buster: By the time she has kids I’ll be old and unfit, it’s now or never while she still is one

Rio: She’s a kid still herself for a long time

Buster: Hopefully, Chelsea does its best to shorten childhoods but I like her odds better than mine or Nancy’s

Rio: She’s much smarter

Buster: Yeah

Rio: That’s a good thing

Buster: That much we can agree on

Rio: Still

Buster: Always

Rio: I’ve not given up on everything

Buster: Good, don’t

Rio: They’re better than that

Buster: I’m sorry if you felt like I wanted you to give up on anything

Rio: Nothing but us, the rest was self-inflicted really

Buster: No, just him, which goes without saying

Rio: I don’t want to be with him, not the way he wants and not at all now

Buster: I’ll help you, whatever you need

Rio: I don’t deserve you, at all

Buster: You don’t deserve to be left alone with him to try and handle the undoubtedly unhinged reaction he’s going to have

Rio: He won’t want to force me, feel like I don’t want him, he’ll know immediately

Buster: What a relief he wasn’t invited to lunch

Rio: I never said anything about you, not as you, just as a boy

Buster: You’re just a girl too, when I talk about about you

Rio: It’s like I want to explain

Rio: but even if I did, no one would understand

Buster: I know

Buster: which is why I rarely bring the subject up, it’s less frustrating to stay silent and keep you to myself

Rio: I’ll be following your lead on that from now on

Buster: I recommend following my lead as often as possible, unless it’s in the aftermath of seeing nan and grandad and becoming unresponsive 

Rio: I feel like I’ve been in a bad dream since then

Buster: Me too, I barely remember what I said or did but I simultaneously can’t forget any of the vivid details either

Rio: Exactly, and all of it is nightmarishly real, no matter how hard I wish I’d wake up in your bed

Buster: Maybe the shared dream aspect is what’s causing the impossibility and if I wish for a different ending you’ll get yours

Rio: I’ll try to wake you up if you do me

Buster: I’ll pinch you again

Rio: You’re going to teach me more moves than that

Buster: I’ll teach you not to need me

Rio: 🥺

Buster: If our world, whether dream or waking, resets as a result, you can want me

Rio: Alright, if it works

Buster: We have to try

Rio: I know

Rio: I will

Buster: So will I, 120%

Rio: 150%

Buster: If 150% was my suggestion you’d have denied me, thrown out the word arrogant

Rio: You are arrogant

Rio: doesn’t make you wrong, not every time

Buster: One rule for you and another for everyone else

Buster: I’m not arrogant because my sense of importance and abilities aren’t exaggerated, I am that great and therefore entitled to think so

Rio: 😏

Buster: I’ll give you 200%

Rio: If?

Buster: Because

Rio: because you’re just that great, I understand

Buster: I’ve told you why

Rio: All or nothing, black and white

Rio: you’re not the one that’s changed

Buster: You’re worthy of someone’s all, that’s never going to change

[psychedelicflowerdelusion]

I feel like I overshare this aspect of my life but I need need need to yeah

no matter what our relationship is at the moment there has always been this negativity that breeds in between us I've noticed her try to one up every friendship I have in this weird over indulgent thing so I let her have it you know I only anyways want to be friends with people for whom I don't have to enter stupid flattery wars but the stranger creepier thing I've also noticed is that the moment j back off she seems to be done with this person its actually so fucked up I don't understand this woman yet I understand her the most clearly I cannot wait for the day when we don't have to see other on a daily basis I think we never actually stop loving people we just stop seeing them everyday and they become a distant memory so we focus on other things I don't want to hate her anymore I don't want to disparage my childhood like this but every time I think I'm evasive I think of her she changes her mind daily I don't understand this weird cold War j have entered I can't understand I don't want to play this weird game but then I am who j am because of her and likewise for her

In my mind I never thought that she actually liked me as much as I did her but if I've learned anything from us not being who we were is that she might have liked me more sorry but that's literally the only way I can rationalise all of the last two years God two years in the same break up ritual we've done this so many times it's so exhausting it's so interesting it's like we're running across a hamster wheel I love her but I wish I never met her I love her but I wish I stopped all of it 10 years ago I love her but j hate her I wish we could leave each other alone and peaceful I wish we werent privy to the other's entire mind I wish we weren't so intertwined ew I hate this paragraph so much

[threephantomrey]

girl i’m forced to hang out with: blue

girl’s friends i’m forced to hang out with: purple

girl’s mom: green

*big sigh* tomorrow i have to hang out at the mall with those people i don’t like very much again tomorrow after class. (btw it’s really just this one girl i don’t like that much but now have hang out with because we’re in the same program, the program i hate, and our mom’s are friends now, and also i gotta hang out with that girl’s friend that i also don’t really like but also have to hang out with cause he’s friends with her) (and i also don’t like the girl’s mom but i keep having to see her every time i hang out with that girl) when i was over at that girl’s house last week, i also met her other friend who is literally the most unfunny person on Earth but thinks he’s funny like i’m sorry i don’t want to be an asshole but he annoyed me. it’s nothing personal and i don’t hate that girl or her friends but i just do not like them i just don’t vibe with them. but i have no choice but to be around them cause if i say i don’t want to and i don’t like these people then my mom is gonna be like “WHYYYY WHATS WRONG!!!??? WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THEM THEY’RE SO NICE YOU’RE BEING RUDE I WANT YOU TO HAVE FRIENDS!!!!” and also the girl said that when i was at her house she asked me if i wanted to go to the mall with her and i said no which is literally false because 1) i literally cannot say no to hanging out with her or else i will be called rude 2) she didn’t even fucking ask me that that day so i don’t even know what she’s talking about. she told her mom so her mom told my mom about it and my mom asked me about it and my sister said that i can’t refuse to hang out with her every time cause then it’s rude WHEN I LITERALLY DIDN’T EVEN SAY NO PLUS THAT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN EVERY TIME THAT WOULD’VE JUST BEEN ONE FUCKING TIME. so yeah i’m literally never allowed to say no to hanging out with that girl and her friends or else i’m called rude and everyone is gonna make a big deal out of it so every time she asks i have no choice but to say yes. can’t wait to be fucking miserable for however long this “friendship” lasts.

why can’t we all just be adults here and be okay with me expressing that i don’t like these people and i don’t want to hang out with them like why is it such a big deal if i don’t want to hang out with someone what are you 5? (for context, i’m an adult, so is my sister, and so is that girl and all her friends) like literally that girl is 23 and is running crying to her mom that someone might have said they do not want to hang out with her (when i didn’t even tell her that!!!) like i get being a little upset but oh my god get over it it’s not a big deal and also stop lying!!! (and if she DID ask me that day i do not remember that and i probably said yes cause again i’m not allowed to say no and she probably misheard me cause i’m naturally quiet) also that girl and her mom need to stop oversharing i have only seen them 2-3 times in my life why the fuck did they already tell me somethings i should not know right off the bat. literally they told me some shit i should not know only a few minutes after i got into the car with them the first time i was going to hang out with that girl. like no!!! i do not know you like that!!! i just met you!!! what happened to hello, how are you, my name is

and also my fucking mom told that girl’s mom about my bartholin cyst that i had in sophomore year of hs and senior year of hs which made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. WHY WOULD YOU TELL THIS WOMAN I ONLY HAVE MET TWICE IN MY LIFE ABOUT THAT. but i told my mom that made me uncomfortable and luckily she understood so she’s not doing that anymore at least. okay rant over.

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

4/30/2024

(entry i forgot to post) oh goodness, i keep meaning to write and then not writing, and way more time has passed without me making a single entry than i thought. anyway it’s gotten easier every day to do simple tasks like dishes and cleaning and whatnot. but i’m still not doing good in terms of school, and personal hygiene, and cleaning my own room.

i feel like the second i started documenting my daily life i magically got way better and i’m like “dang this defeats the whole purpose of me documenting, because you can’t see most of the change and recovery. it’s already happened. i should’ve started writing when i was crazy and way more psychotic!” but that’s a silly thing to think.

most recent event, i went and saw my friends play! they were doing Shakespeare’s, As You Like It (adapted to be more modern, though i still didn’t understand half of what they were saying.) and i met their aunt they’ve told me a lot about! i found out she’s also in a band that sings covers of older music like 40’s-70’s, she’s even cooler than i was told. then afterwards we went to a restaurant and i got a cheeseburger called the “Freedom Burger” (eagle caws in the distance) it was extremely delicious but also 15 bucks. for a normal sized burger. c’mon now… i don’t care that much about the price anymore cause it was the best burger i’ve ever eaten and i wasn’t the one paying for it. but not much competition because all the burgers i’ve eaten have ranged from bad/subpar fast food to cooked on the grill on our back porch. except for that one burger i used to eat at the mexican restaurant in my hometown. that one was really good. also, A THING OF FRIES WAS 4 DOLLARS?? WHAT? insanity, truly.

anyway, my mental has actually gotten steadily worse throughout this month. i’ve been having more sad days and my delusions are getting the best of me. the other day i was going crazy, like “there’s people watching me through my eyes !!! they can read my mind and i cannot escape, ever !!” and the only way i was able to sooth myself was to just daydream and imagine hurt/comfort scenarios about me hurting myself. i haven’t gotten relapse urges in a long time but i still daydream about it sometimes.

also i still cannot sleep without headphones on because even if i don’t hear a noise that makes me go “THERES SOMETHING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, DEMONS DEMONS DEMONS. NOW I’M THINKING ABOUT THE DEMONS AND IT’S ATTRACTING THE DEMONS. AAAHHHH.” i’m anxious and can’t relax because i’m waiting to hear a noise.

sigh, i’m censoring a crap ton of this as well because i feel like my mom is going to find it and then confront me about everything i’ve written. maybe it’s just cause i’m sitting next to her right at this very moment. i think that’s it. her presence is making me very reluctant to write about anything super personal. i feel way too exposed right now. i’ll just go back and edit some of this later. (i did not do that.)

anyway, i have a therapy appointment tomorrow. my old therapist quit the profession entirely which is probably a good thing because i already have oversharing issues, having someone who’s entire job is to listen to my problems and who legally can’t tell anyone 99.99% of the shit i say because they could literally get fired if they do, gives me way too much power. i just start telling them shit just because i can, and then they continuously bring it up in other sessions and i’m like “um hahaha, what?? stop trying to bring up my personal issues that i regret telling you, i’m trying to tell you about the plot of my favorite tv show and all of petty drama i have fake arguments about in the shower...?”

going to a therapist willingly rather than because i’m legally required is great because once i make enough mistakes that i’m embarrassed to exist every time i see them and constantly thinking about all the things i’ve said wrong during our sessions. i can just leave. and then never come back. and then once i get bad enough mentally that i’m like “hey maybe i need to start seeing a therapist again.” my old therapist has already quit or moved away or i’m not qualified to see them anymore. yippee.

actually that’s a bad thing because i hate starting over and i hate being abandoned. like. my therapists constantly leaving me is not helping. i always leave them first anyway, but not intentionally, i’ll be having a good time and then my parents will forget to book me appointments more and more until i just stop going because i hate asking them to. i feel like i’m going “HEY MOM HEY DAD, REMEMBER HOW I’M SO SUPER CRAZY THAT I NEED TO GO SEE A DOCTOR SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT HOW DEPRESSED AND SAD AND CRAZY I AM FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR. PLEASE MAKE ME AN ANOTHER APPOINTMENT BECAUSE I NEED IT, IM SO MENTALLY ILL.” like. ugh... ew. no.

anyway while writing this i’m currently procrastinating on doing my 11 late assignments and studying for my permit test i need to take within this week. cries.

[elaichoi]

SAME I FELT THAT SO BAD JFSDJKDS i used itunes giftcards i was gifted and i also did like that thing where u download apps and do surveys and get points which u redeem for giftcards n stuff 😭😭 yessir its the frugal asian bloodline 🫡

oh babes im a certified mentally ill girly my mental health is my only personality trait HOW DID U KNOW IS IT THAT OBVIOUS 💀💀 dw i don't mind at all, hence the oversharing LMFAOOO

stop it u r so creative trying to build a story w your edit ?? i usually just go w the song n lyrics and then i would use colorings to force my clips to have a similar "theme"

did u have very specific themes you stuck to when it came to editing, was it just like everything in an editing project has to be connected, or like posts themed (cue the ig theme dividers) ?

i did NAWT expect us to have like almost the same experiences wtaf this is wild 2 me aaaaag😭

WAIT WAIT THOSE SURVEYS WORKED?! lmao did you like need to add your debit card info or something bc that's usually when i nope out of somehwere lmao

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS SO SEXY TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT 🧐📝

omg forcing the colouring is so true I remember downloading LOADS and loads of free vsco recipes and then when this one app dropped that let you add psd coloring to the videos I was LIKE BLESS i kinda wanna still video edit when i think about it lmao but I was such a noob on it lmao. but like thise transition edits? for the life of me i cannot.

i don't think i stuck to one theme for a long while, mine was like usually like only 9 slots yk those ig themes and then i always changed it up, but in terms of writing i think during my ig caption days i really fell into a very angsty type of story telling and i have not come out, like it was a mix of crack ans angst ( as you can tell lmao)

I'M SAYING WE LITERALLY HAVE SO KUCH COMMON ARE YOU SEEINH THIS?! this is giving passes by each other time and time again until time is right, , soulmates are fr tbh