#i know this is weird coming from the very aroace person who as a general rule hates love songs with a burning passion

[here-there-were-dragons]

no one makes good love songs that aren't explicitly meant to be read as romantic

[markerofthemidnight]

Why Is Alastor So Weirdly Protective Of Charlie (And/Or Why Does He Hate Lucifer So Much)?

So I’m sure we’ve all seen the newest episodes. Wow, am I right? A whole load to unpack there!

The main thing that really caught my attention, though, was Alastor. Specifically, his actions towards Charlie and especially Lucifer in episode 5.

Well… there’s not really much to say about why it’s weird, is there? So, without any further ado, here’s my thoughts.

In Dad Beat Dad, Alastor engages in a whole-ass musical number about how he’s better than Lucifer and, specifically, better at being Charlie’s dad than him. He seems to do this… solely to piss him off.

And, honestly, that makes sense. Because no matter how deadbeat a dad Lucifer was, Alastor is nowhere near better than him. This is the same dude who called Charlie’s dream wacky nonsense and continuously stressed that he was only there for the entertainment.

There’s no way in hell (ba-dum-tish) that that dude suddenly developed paternal instincts for her in what couldn’t have been more than a few months. So, clearly, it must be to piss him off. But why?

Well, one of the popular theories about Alastor is that the one who gave him his powers is Lilith. I shouldn’t have to explain why this makes sense: both gone for seven years, and of course the first time he’s seen since his disappearance is after Charlie’s voicemail to her mom.

And he must be very loyal to her, to assist her daughter in a dream that he explicitly states he thinks is bullshit.

It would also explain how pissed he is when Husk brings it up: maybe it wasn’t the fact that he brought up that he also made a deal, but that he implied that his relationship with said patron is less than healthy. You know, he don’t want people to speak about his girl like that. (guys don’t worry I know al is aroace it’s just a joke he’s her personal bodyguard)

So, it’s safe to say that Alastor is very loyal to and protective of Lilith, an attitude which must extend to Charlie, yes? Yes, but that doesn’t explain the general pettiness of his relationship with Lucifer.

Well, we just established that Alastor is loyal to and protective of Lilith, that would do practically anything for her. So do we know any character that Al has a similar relationship with?…

Oh, right.

His mother.

It’s been confirmed via Word of Vivienne that Alastor is totally a mama’s boy and adores her above all else. So, it’s not much of a stretch to say that he sees Lilith as a sort of second mother figure, right?

So, inversely, it’s not much of a stretch to say that he would associate Lucifer with his father.

Think about it. Have we ever heard his father be mentioned anywhere? No. And knowing that daddy issues are TOTALLY a long-running theme in Vivziepop stories by now (Blitz, Stolas, Moxxie, Octavia, technically Loona, Charlie, probably Angel to some extent), who’s to say Alastor can’t be the same?

Now, this is kind of a stretch, but I propose that Alastor’s first victim was his own father, whom he killed and cannibalised as revenge for years of abuse to him, and even more so, his mother.

That’s why he hates Lucifer so much. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, he doesn’t want him anywhere near Lilith, and it seems he especially doesn’t want him anywhere near Charlie.

Which makes sense, if we apply the logic from earlier to her. If he sees his mother in Lilith and his father in Lucifer, it’s possible he sees Charlie as a younger, more innocent version of himself: both theatrical dreamers, both never fully dressed without a smile, both incredibly emotional when it comes to the protection of those they care about.

It’s also safe to say that, no matter how egotistical he pretends to be, Alastor probably doesn’t have a very high opinion of himself, given how in the pilot he outright says that inside every demon (which INCLUDES himself, by the way) is a lost cause. Maybe it’s possible he sees her as himself before everything went wrong.

So, as it turns out, he’s actually less of a dad to Charlie and more of a big brother. And… I think that’s a lot more fitting for him.

TLDR: Alastor’s weird grudge against Lucifer is because he associates him with his abusive father. That and his loyalty to Lilith and Charlie are two things that, if I’m right, will probably prove to be very important to understanding Alastor as a character.

[yukasyukasyukasyukas]

Drew Tanaka headcanons bc I'm going insane over them

She's from Hokkaido in Japan

Her full name is Sayuri Tanaka, Drew is merely the name she chose when moving from Japan to the US bc the Americans couldn't pronounce Sayuri right and it got on her nerves, later it irritated her that she couldn't get her chosen name pronunciation right

She's ainu and bc of it she'd get bullied in school in Japan

Her dad (like Piper's) moved from the more indigenous area to a more urban but still made sure Drew knew and appreciated her heritage

He made knives and blades in general, once he made a katana and she was so obsessed with it

Moved to the US for financial reasons rather than demigod reasons

She got on a fancy private school with athlete scholarship for having two gold medals in kendo

Spoke a very poor English and that made it hard for her to make friends besides one boy in her class who God knows why spoke japanese: Connor Stoll, and consequentially his brother, Travis

Aroace spectrum, probably a lesboromantic

Her satyr took her and the siblings Stoll to the camp when she was 11

When she arrived the camp she was reluctant to befriend anyone, specially because, since she had just immigrated, she was afraid people would find her weird

She was the kind of child of Aphrodite who might look like a kid of a god of beauty but has the personality of a child of a god of war: Aphrodite Areia. She'd come after anyone who messed with her and has a really bad temper, sometimes even compared to Clarisse

After Silena's betrayed she was deeply hurt since she admired Silena so much, that's why she was so bitter to everyone after the war

Despite being hurt from her sister's betrayal she still tried to be a good conselour and sister, making sure the younger campers, specially Lacy, were okay and trying to lighten the grief

Drew was never on a good financial position, mainly because her father's job didn't have much clientele, so she started working at fast food restaurants when she was a teenager

Despite being poor, she always tried to look good, it was her way of coping from all the bad stuff she went through. Because of it she learned how to sew.

She disliked Piper not because she reminded her of Silena but because, at first sight, Piper reminded her of herself, but without most shit she had to go through. Piper was also indigenous, at a fist look she seemed poor, she was a demigodess etc. But she didn't go to the war, she hadn't had her friends die all at once, she didn't meet Silena.

After Drew found out who was Piper's father she only got more pissed; that girl, who had everything she always wanted, who never had to sleep wondering if on the next day she would still have a house to live in, who never had to worry how her father would be without her on his side to SPEAK for him because he didn't know English. Yet she romanticized all that Drew hated in her own life.

After Mitchell cleared up what was going on between the two to the other, Piper and Drew started getting along, but Drew never really got over Piper's style choice, not because it wasn't pretty but because that looked close to what she wore when she was on her worst financially when Piper could afford any kind of luxury brand

Idk I just really love the idea of her being ainu

[cactuupng]

I also need to talk about my blorbo (scar. Ofc.) so here's my silly thoughts on these two:

Theyre both aroace and awkward as fuck when it comes to showing affection. Scar loved holding hands. Mumbo does too except he's very weird about it and is always very anxious to initiate any hand holding and doesn't know if it's appropriate in the given moment (he's just like me fr)

Mumbo also struggles with social anxiety. Scar struggles with general anxiety. They're both anxious little fucks.

Scar always feels cold and Mumbo is surprisingly warm so Scar loves cuddling with Mumbo. He's like his own personal heater.

That's all for now djfkdkgken

he's so me FRRRR

Mumbo is SO aroace and just incredibly socially anxious, like that man does NOT know how to initiate any physical touches and interactions, he just overthinks everything and just makes himself more nervous (pov a friend just hugged him)

Also!! Yes yes yes Mumbo constantly being warm for some reason?? I've been going INSANE over this idea for so long and GAHHHH his hugs are always one of the warmest, so the hermits who are almost always cold like Scar would 100% just seek out hugs from him if they're feeling down

Which I find silly cause I imagine Mumbo just being🧍while cuddling for the first few times that happens because he?? doesn't know??? what to do???? he's the completely oblivious to affection type guy. He gets used to it tho ofc, you kinda have to when 2 of the people closest to you (Scar and Grian) really enjoy cuddles and sleepovers

Scar, the incredibly affectionate one + Mumbo, the non affectionate one = "Hey he asked for no pickles" type of dynamic

also you bet Mumbo babysits Jellie sometimes and its definitely not because he's always warm and she's a big fan of it

[melissa-titanium]

for character headcanons tome ^_^

I CANNOT FND THE POST YOU ARE REFERRING TO FOR THE ABSOLUTE LOVE OF ME BUT I SWEAR I KNOW WHAT UR TALKING ABOUT. TREMBLES. if i get this wron g i wil ;. cr.y

i like to imagine tome as a relatively tall person. like maybe a few inches shorter than me... 5'7 ? shes very lanky. i think she had a little bit of a growth spurt once she hit like. lets say 12 or 13 and just shot the fuck up. then stopped. shes still tall just not crazy tall.

i LOVE masc presenting nonbinary tome but i feel like. idont know i feel like shes more. androgynous leaning does that make sense. her gender is weird girl but not a "girl" do you get me. she likes 2 wear skirts & jewelry & goes by ms over mx or mr . her pronouns r weird as hell too shes got the motherfucking zleep/zlorp it/its zhe/her all the neos all the xenogenders you get me ?

also. lesbian. duh. but also . i want to talk about it because it very much interests me. i def think shes ace because i hit every character i like with the ace beam but iiii. dont see her as aro? as much as i love aroace hcs i feel like it doesn't fit tome . at most i could see her on the aro spectrum..... i could totally see greyromantic tho maybe. but also specifically i dont think i could see her using orientation-specific labels, only gender labels. like she would call herself gnc/andro & specify her pronouns & list her most prominent xenogenders but when you ask about her orientation shes like. Girls ��

ok now that gender is out of the way. smiles

i lik 2 explore her dynamic with takenaka & i think alot of people do honestly LOL. initially of course takenaka feels like a little bit of bitterness towards her because he understands she'd probably see him as nothing more than a guinea pig for her obsessions. but post telepathy arc i think they get along more cause he understands her way of thinking and fears & she understands that he (and others) actually DO care. i like to think they hang out & he manages to read her really well after a while without even needing telepathy.

i think she plays mhfu. i think this because i'm autistic leave me alone. tri ultimate makes more sense considering it was the most recent game to come out at that time but also it's got the smallest monster roster of any of the games, so mhfu it is. i think she'd main insect glaive (having essentially a telepathic communication with a little insect friend is such a cool idea to her) and her favorite monster would be yama tsukami. yama is literally perfect. it's outlandish, has a completely unique skeleton from any other monster in the games (save for yama kurai who was technically not a canon monster because it only existed in frontier) and it is quite literally an UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT. she would think that's rad as hell, and be very sad that it's not a popular monster (only solidifying her concept of isolation/alienation from her peers, liking things that are unusual to enjoy)

a weird hc i always had for her. i think she plucks out her eyebrow hairs so they r a little patchy almost? i knew someone who used 2 do that when i was younger and i think its something she would have done . speaking of hair she definitely cuts her own hair. SOMETHING TELLS ME SHE HAS PROBABLY TRIED TO DYE IT BEFORE. it didnt go well. her hair has never been the same

i think she's a big fan of new sensory experiences. that is a stim toy bitch if i ever saw one. i think she likes the textures most people find uncomfortable, like sandpaper or scratchy textures . not a picky eater but has a general preference for crunchy/hard stuff over things that melt in her mouth does that make sense ... i think her least favorite food is cotton candy. idk what her fave food is because my food knowledge is limited to bangladeshi cuisine and white people food (save me) but if i think of anything ill edit this. i actually implemented this into my design for her but she has alien earrings and they r kinda squishy. i think she messes with them when shes bored

shes dexterous as fuck with her hands. she could totally learn to shuffle a deck of cards fast as hell or play the shell game (cup shuffle) if she had interest in physical games. i think once she started working at s&s and really getting along with the rest of the Gang she would start playing card games & they always ask her to shuffle. not even reigen does it as well. years of gaming has trained tomes hands to levels not even reigen could dream of reaching

i think she'd be some kind of translator/ambassador... a high standing position based on middle-man communication. a linguist maybe? i think her obsession with the supernatural would eventually leave her down the path of like, culture study, to learn more about different regions mythical creatures. i also really like the post-canon ideas where she works with mezato as an investigator, WHICH ACTUALLY ACTS AS A SEGUE INTO MY NEXT HC

i think her and mezato would get along so well. its such a shame we never get a proper interaction between them. obviously their only canon interactions are accompanied by shigeo in which both of them r trying to grab his attention in some way and theres a little bit of conflict in that (tome realizing shige is a little uncomfortable with mezato pestering him about the cult & swooping in to give him an out) but i think if they genuinely decided 2 meet up and hang out they'd be a force to behold . girls who are wildly enthusiastic about their particular craft who seem to be somewhat outcasted even from their peers who hold similar interests. mezato being the most interested member of the journaling club & tome being the only person in the telepathy club who actually gives a fuck about telepathy!!!!! the thing about mezato though is that i dont think she is self conscious in the way that tome is. tome's like. worried about taking up others' time with her own interests that she clearly is the only one interested in. she thinks she should be grateful that they're even listening to her (atleast thats what i gathered from takenaka's reading of her thoughts during telepathy arc) and that no one but her truly gives a shit about the things she's into. and i dont have a firm grasp on mezato's character, but i think shes something of an inverse of tome in that sense. mezato's more confident about her interests, as well as being more confident in parading it around maybe. so i think they'd get along by being inverses of eachother. im not confident in describing mezato so i hope you kind of get what im saying

ok wow i got off track. i think she's one of those kids who had like a crazy amount of allergies when they were younger but eventually they faded as they got older. shes totally allergic to cats.

she . in the best way that i could possibly muster. feels like a middle child. she feels like someone who has a shit ton of siblings/lives with a big family does this make sense. i think she'd have like two older brothers and a little brother. am i insane can anyone else sense this.

okay i ran out of shit to say theres probably more but . coughs and dies. tome i love you

[bindibites]

WoF ship ramblings

Nobody asked but I’m bored!! So here’s all my ship ramblings for Wings of Fire

WORD HEAVY

a quick disclaimer that, no, I do not support ships that put the DoD together, it’s really weird to me personally because their relationship is very adopted sibling esq.

Some kinda hot takes:

I don’t like Sundew x Willow, I think their chemistry is bad. They’re very polar opposites and Sundew feels too hostile when put with Willow’s nature.

Glory x Deathbringer is weird, even if their age was writing mistake due to old plans changing.

ANYWAY onto ships I care about

Winter x Moonwatcher x Qibli

These three are polyamorous, full stop, just a big ol love circle. I like to imagine it all came together in some bundle of conflicted feelings especially with Moon and Qibli.

Qibli and Winter have always been strained but even in canon we know Qibli cared about Winter and the two are close despite a generally strained at first relationship. Moonwatcher is sort of the strong bond between the two of them herself, being a middle-ground of sorts where all three are able to come together regardless a situation.

Kinkajou x Turtle

I like to think Kinkajou manages to work through Anemone’s enchantment and finds her feelings despite the conflict inside herself, I’d imagine Turtle would be there for her all the same as well.

Just the two of them helping one another and Kinkajou overcoming a genuine roadblock of “are these my feelings or is it the enchantment” and realizing that yes, those are her feelings, and Turtle’s help establishes it.

Clay x Peril

biased as a Peril enjoyer but I genuinely do believe they could work, Peril needs to work on herself but I don’t blame her actions due to her very blatant trauma and isolation from much of any real friendships. (The one dragon that initially cared for her was literally murdered.)

Clay was the first dragon she could physically touch without fear, a dragon who showed her kindness (although, its clay, thats just how he is). She views Clay closely and doesn’t know how to really manage herself and her thoughts, but she’s learning, and she wants to be better and be able to manage herself without fear.

Blaze x Glacier

I don’t have much to say for these girlies I just think they’re cute and Blaze is one if my favorite characters oopsies

I do think Glacier would kill for Blaze

OTHER HCS/Ships I like but don’t have much thought for

AroAce Glory

Starflight x Fatespeaker

Anemone x Tamarin

Snowfall x Lynx

[bluedalahorse]

Complicated queer media feelings beneath the cut…

Is anyone else feeling… I dunno… complicated about the part where we have Heartstopper, Red White and Royal Blue, and likely more YRS3 promo happening all in the same month?

I find a kind of enjoyment in each of these, so on one hand, I’m happy about it! (YR is my dearest fandom love right now about which I have many deep feelings, Heartstopper brings me joy and is what I’d watch with my middle school kids if I had kids, and RWRB is more on the “fun popcorn media” side of things for me but also has a lot of government humor that I laugh at as a person living in DC who gets subjected to motorcades etc.)

And I also think it’s awesome that queer rep has come a long way since when I was in high school, and there was only kinda Will and Grace and Willow on Buffy and you barely heard about some kids watching Queer as Folk if they were lucky enough to have HBO and parents who weren’t weird about it.

And and at the same time I know I’m going to be looking at my dash like, huh, that is a lot of mlm romance kissing between photogenic cis men.

Which. Again. Is progress? But also I’m a not-skinny aroace homosocial queer who is very interested in the stories of women and nonbinary people as well, and stories about friendship as well as relationships that reject traditional definitions. I want sweet romantic moments in my stories and decent makeout scenes but I also want stories about how queerness can challenge capitalism and hegemony and how we can create new families of choice and so on.

And for some of the texts I’m talking about, the canon definitely delivers? Things feel balanced? YR explores the class system with so much skill, and makes me ask powerful questions about justice and identity and such. It also has incredible female characters, including Sara as B Plot Protagonist driving a significant part of the story. (I wish I could find more fanfic from female characters’ POVs. I wish there were just as many “can’t wait until they get their happy endgame” posts about the Sara-Felice friendship as there were about the Wilmon romance, and I adore the Wilmon romance. I just love everything else about the show alongside it, and sometimes I find myself desperately craving discussion about the other aspects of the show while not knowing how to find ways of engaging about it.)

Heartstopper—I love how a multiqueer friends group is so centered in the story. Nick and Charlie are the main characters but Charlie’s friendship with Tao matters as much in the first season as his romance with Nick. I love how the show chose to have Elle carry a significant subplot in season 1 (although they could do better with that) and I am hopeful that we’ll get an ace discovery story for Isaac in season 2 and I’m looking forward to seeing more Imogen and we get a new disabled character and we’ll also get Tara and Darcy being Tara and Darcy! I don’t really follow people for Heartstopper necessarily, because it’s not really something I analyze or write fic for, but, you know, there’s a lot of it that goes around and I have generally positive feelings about it. I’m curious about what parts of the show and what characters people will choose to focus on.

RWRB… well, it’s been a long time since I’ve read the book, but I’m sort of holding off on comments until I see what’s different between the book and the movie.

Long story short I think I’m going to feel great about these various mlm pairings individually, because they’re all distinct personalities with stories and such, but I’m going to be feeling kind of weird and overwhelmed about the attention and gif visibility and squeeing that mlm romances between photogenic cis men get in aggregate.

But also also. Maybe that’s on me for not being into something like Yellowjackets fandom or not spending more time browsing the tag for XO Kitty. So the problem could also be me. I mean who knowsss?????

[somecalicocat]

INTRO

hello! im callico, and this is my self ship blog! i cant believe a community like this exists because ive been embarrassed about shipping myself with characters for ages, so im glad to find people like me! Now, heres some stuff about me!

─── ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

🐈 people who have the same f/o as me is totally chill and cool to interact with me! im not a very jealous person so im totally alright with that stuff

🐈 if i accidentally interact when im apart of ur dni, feel free to block me! it makes thing easier, and i dont take it personally lmao

🐈 When it comes to romance, im weird. Firstly because im actually a system, and alters will have source memories of dating some characters. Some of us are also aroace LMAO. the specifics of our s/os are listed here!

🐈 i use he/they, sometimes specifically just he/him! im trans but i know what flavor so bear in mind that lmao- and in regards to fictional characters, i consider myself gay, and a bit of demi

🐈 this is may have suggestive things, but will be mainly sfw! im asexual, but whether im repulsed or not changes vry easily... However, i cuss and will talk about my mental health issues and anxiety, so bear that in mind.

🐈 my dni is pretty standard: Dni proship / comship, anyone who supports or is neutral on proship/comship, absolutely no yandere stuff please, dni transmed, terfs, anti-neos, and anti-antis of any of said things. aswell as general criteria! I also would like for those who support vivzepop to DNI!! she sucks, but i cant help be fixated on helluva boss and hazbin hotel

🐈 i will do incorrect text posts about my f/os, or just generally sometimes talk about my f/os and gush about them sometimes. but that will be under certain tags, so if you dont wanna see something just block that tag (ill make sure its unique to my blog :))

🐈 i guess right here shall be my "please be mutuals with me" section, i really would like friends in the selfship community! if you do, its verrry possible ill draw ur s/i! I follow from @/raphluvsyou though, so be away >:3

─── ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

MY TAGS:

#// Calico Rambles - talk tags

#// Calico Asks - Ask tag

#// Calico Gushes - gushing about my f/o lol

#// Calico Vents - Venting tag! feel free to block it :)

#// Calico Writes - Anything about my s/i (including lore) aswell as my text posts and such

#// Ship it - other peoples self-ships that i like!

#// Important - Self explanatory

#// Mutuals - posts/reblogs about my mutuals!

#// Ask Games - self explanatory

#// Reblog Games - self explanatory

[synonymroll648]

ok im back from my feild trip to the pond let me live react to the fic you were actually talking about

ok it starts with- and i shit you not- an orginal idea i had for a kam au (for sun as a gift) where its like battle of bands or something and they kiss and its like "dont let that throw you off your rythm" as i sat with it and that is NOT kam at ALL and didnt fit any other characters so i had to make my own. and as i sat with THOSE characters i realized it also did not fit them so that is why the fic does not open with them kissing but instead like Flirting and its at a stage ish area because i LITERALLY did not know what the fuck i was supposed to do with this vision [i do know ALL the lore now !!]

for an aromantaic person who HATES being flirted with and flirting im so proud of that opening scene

the jacket that is referenced is highly inspired by my ex-best friend's mom's halloween costume from like the 90s that she let me have because i just like found it in a box and really liked it

biana is based loosely on my best friend <3

deadass i am so proud of how realistic my dialouge and interactions are. the JOY i feel because these dont feel like fake stores.

um i dont know if you have siblings. but i cannot emphasis how normal it is to be in the middle of a hEATED fight with like so much anger and then you go out together and like if the younger sibling pays? blood will be shed. someone is going to die not pleasentaly.

fun fact my beta reader HATED ". And I’ll always support you, regardless of dad’s feelings, or mine. Okay?”. and like i was like. no you dont understand. its the fact biana has to step aside and let fitz destroy himself because she cant DO anything. i was like nonononono that line HAS to stay in. this is fanfaction i have to project SO much??

"Alden untied Fitz’s tie just so he could redo it." and that's not projection

ope wait im not unpacking that scene

“I don’t see why that’s any of your concern,” Fitz glared at the host then settled" the glare is canoically about the "just" part in "just friends". that is me the author having so much anger inside

i text like a 54 year old woman i HATED writing out the texts between keefe and biana but it was SO important to me that i show their texting styles

fun fact i wrote "He knew better than to text Fitz," forgetting that interviews are often pre-recorded and um. and so that line can be deep if you want but mostly i just didnt really overthink proof reading and those curtains are blue when the author meant for their to be blinds

i was SO proud i just threw in "clandestine". i know big fancy words and casually use them ALL the time. that word was not easy.

my beta reader LOVED "leaving an ache in place of the memories."

oh fun fact this happened LONG after i wrote this fic but i did in fact have a fight with my ex-best friend where i wanted to give him back the jacket he let me borrow (not his mom) because i was so hurt i never wanted him to touch me again. :) funny way life comes full circle

"They’re hazy and confused, but they’re together. Messy hair on hidden skin, kisses followed by chuckles. Whispers of you ok? and genuine nods." // hey so i didn't know i was ace when i wrote this and um i think that it symbolises a LOT that my oc where the point of the story is being aroace is just like ,, weird as a teenager. has this very simialr worded scene and it ends SO differently

oh ok ok ok i purposefully chose pretty vrs handom. its the like thing where like keefe is okay iwth being pretty and queer and bluring lines between gender and fitz ,, isnt

“No? I am very confused and scared.”no thoughts thats just REAL

i am cronically offline and this is what i feel like when my friend debriefs me on the latest drama

sophie is how i text at 3 am when i am austsic and unmasking

fitz having a cracked scene is based on true events

new fun fact i set up a random number generator. im like "it needs to be between 12 and 2 am" amd then if its 1 im like "ok we need to round to 2 so it has to be between 31 and 59". and jesus takes the wheel

"STOP FUCKING DELETING THE DOTS" is a text i have sent

"A ten minute phone call later, Sophie convinced Fitz to meet him in a convent store near his house under an excuse of 'getting slushies sounded good'." slushies are how i cope with the world. taht is not a joke.

"A connection they’d always had but never fully understood." its a human au bc i didnt want to think about th elogistics of magic or elfs but i LOVED how i snuck thier little telepathy thing in <333

again im aro and sophie is like "does it feel right" is how i comforted my friend when she didnt know if she liked a guy and wanted to date him. she NEVER talked to me about her relationship again

god no god you dont understand they LIVED TOGETEHR,. THEY WERE SO CLOSE JUSTF EW87GF8347EFGOFREH9FHGRVH

"Fitz knows the crack in Keefe’s voice because it mirrors his as he opens the door; the same bruises on different bodies" no i can see myself out the door. its ok.

banging my head into a WALL. "is this our goodbye?" after they dont SAY bye because they know tehy'll meet up. so theyre forever changed udqg28efgu2

god the ending. oops kinda forgot it was there. i stand by it. i love my writing SO much.

ok my dog is asleep i hope you have you have SO much fun reading

bestie you’re referencing shit that lives in my brain rent free and also shit that i love but don’t remember off the top of my head. you’re hilarious and your words are beautiful and i need to reread the fic for sure. i had so much fun reading this. never change carl ily /p

[obsoleteozymandias]

Hello! I think you are still making matches with Twts, otherwise feel free to ignore this. Plus I'm using the translator. I didn't see that you asked for specific information for this so I based it on what others said (?) I'm older than the first years so it would be strange if I were one of them…I see them as my children xd -Ahem, my pronouns are she / her, but I don't care if they give me male pronouns, I have many friends who give me male nicknames ���

I'm Aroace, but fictional characters are so… God

As for personality, I am INFP 5w4, I am very strange and I say random phrases just because, even if the environment is very quiet I sing a random song on purpose. I am shy around older people but I have learned to speak fluently, although people still ask me to raise my voice. I am quite affectionate in general, but if they need space I will gladly give it to them.

I'm from Colombia, so if I was on Twts more than once I would say idioms where I come from just to bother.

I have very varied tastes, from rock to electro Swing in terms of music, from horror games to Roblox, I like everything from Gloria Trevi's flamenco to anime op. I think I have three favorite bands for each genre, not to mention vocaloid, but I will always like yanderes visual novel games.

Have you ever met those people who do everything and feel happy even though nothing is enough to satisfy them? That's me, from making bracelets, researching architecture to watercolors and fashion. I am currently studying systems engineering and some English courses, but this is just the beginning muahaha. I think that all my tastes have in common that they are all art in some way (typical of infp wanting to give artistic meaning to everything)

I am quite small, about 1.57 meters tall, with a pear-shaped body with curly hair without being an Afro, I wear glasses and I am very blind.

I don't like dogs… I have a phobia of them, I don't like sleeping less than 4 hours either, bad hair days, how harmful stereotypes are.

I think I'm able to adapt to everything, I don't judge anyone because some of my tastes will probably be related to that… Except that I won't stop being weird, I can follow the rules because I was raised by strict parents and so on, but Stopping being who I am just for the sake of others is a big no. Even though it's hard for me to raise my voice.

I think this will not contribute anything to the match, but I have a younger brother who is a small child, I love him very much even though he is hyperactive, although I do not have a preference between who I would like, I need him to get along with him, which is easy because he is quite sociable but capable of being annoying.

Thanks to my strict parents I don't leave the house anymore, I don't like it, I learned to act and listen when they are close to entering the house, plus they tried to put parental control on me when I was little but I was able to create several accounts and found an obsolete browser, so parental control was useless there.

I probably have some trauma from that plus the fact that when I was little I suffered bullying due to obesity, although currently I no longer have it and I couldn't even be considered someone chubby (outside of my MC Donald chicken thighs 🖐). I think that a few years ago I learned to cope with everything and be better. Sorry if it's too long, you can skip it if you want. Always remember to take care of yourself!

aroace gang member +1

== Twisted Wonderland ==>

I match you up with…

Floyd Leech

Pre-relationship:

You remind Floyd of Riddle, on some level. He sees your obedience for rules and your fears and resistance, and he knows, he just knows, that he’s going to help you unleash yourself. 

It would be a rocky road to friendship at first - Floyd is a difficult personality to get along with. But I think part of his charm is his hedonism, and his desire to do whatever he pleases, regardless of what others say. And he sees that same desire and freedom in you. He sees a kindred spirit in you. 

You two spend a lot of time exploring your hobbies together. He shows you his passion for human clothes and shoes, and invites you to his basketball games. 

He misses several shots because he gets distracted when he hears you calling his name in the stands. He gets all giggly and waves to you, shouting your name, and completely forgetting the game. 

He encrouages you to break free from rules and expectations like he has, whether it’s arbitrary things like a dorm’s curfew, or your past of being bullied - Floyd will be there to pick you up when you fall and carry you across the finish line. 

Most importantly, you two can be weird together. He embraces your weirdness, as he’s often called so himself. He’s not afraid nor put off by you, and your ability to simply be yourself makes him fall that much more for you. 

Confession: 

Floyd knows he’s fallen for you right away, and doesn’t try to hide from it. He’ll bide his time as he plans to confess, teasing you and getting a lot more physcially affectionate than before, just to watch you blush. 

He actually gives up on his whole plan to confess, instead telling you how he feels in the heat of the moment - maybe after a basketball game or when you two are out late at night causing trouble. He refuses to hold himself back from reaching for what he wants - and what he wants is you.

Relationship:

Floyd and you are a couple about campus. Everyone knows who you are, and doesn’t dare to mess with either of you. 

He becomes attached to your hip, too. Even in classes that he isn’t in, he slips in and sits next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder and whispering to you about things he finds silly. 

If you ever make him something, like a bracelet, he’ll be absolutely delighted. He wears it everywhere, and makes sure everyone knows that you made it for him, and that you’re his, and that you’re endlessly talented. 

Expect many nights of you two sleeping over with eachother. Floyd doesn’t want to be away from you for any longer than he has to be, and so most nights he can be found with you, curled up together watching TV or making something, or asleep on eachother. 

It’s painfully cute, and you two were made for one another!

[neechees]

That constant fancast with Pedro Pascal and Oscar Isaac with El Dorado got me thinking of a potential remake idea: they’re modern-day Latinos who time-travel back to colonization era while escaping capture like the original, end up in El Dorado, reconnect with their forgotten Indigenous roots and do in fact end up as a couple. Also the main villain is Cortez, not Tzekel Kan, who may stir initial conflict because of his overzealous personality but gets over his issues and becomes part of the country AND comes out as aroace (because with all the queer headcanons involving Tulio, Chel and Miguel I always felt like he was being left out and I always saw him like that anyway).

The fancast doesn’t have to involve either Pascal or Isaac, it’s just their heritage that got it clicking.

Unrelated but tumblr assigned your ask MY icon instead of the usual anon icon in my notes for some reason & I got really confused lol

And oh yeah ugh I hated that fancast. I feel like they only picked those two actors too because they are literally some of the ONLY Latino actors they know & it's because they're both from Star Wars. Also I generally think it'd be a bad look with iffy implicatioms to cast them as Spaniards in a White savior movie regarding the rest of the plot as well lol

And tbh I like his zeal, I think Tzekel-Kan was cool. I always thought he was fascinating as a kid. It's weird because the movie is both demonizing Mesoamerican culture & practices as bad, but also trying to imply that Tzekel-Kan is the only one who fully participates in it and thats what makes him bad. It's really stupid. In real life, Tzekel-Kan would be a very respected person and the Chief himself also would've worked with him in leasing religious events & ceremonies.

And anyway, I actually really like the time travel concept in particular, time travel is fun :) I've attempted rewrites myself, and yeah its hard to come up with something without completely changing it lol

[fits-like-a-fist-in-the-eye]

CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS!!!!

All this info is from the very beginning of the story! I’ll make more character profiles as the story goes on!

Hamato Raphael:

Age: 13 and three quarters (well… that’s what he thinks he is)

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 6’1

Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly alligator snapping turtle and human

Fun facts: raph is a trans boy, autistic (i mean, as close as a turtle can be to a human diagnosis), and has OSDD (again, as close as he can come to the human diagnosis), though he doesn’t know it yet. can breathe underwater! team medic <3

Hamato Michelangelo:

Age: 11 (as far as he’s aware)

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’1

Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly ornate box turtle and human

Fun facts: he’s intersex, but he only finds out at 15 years old lmfao. turtle mutant equivalent of ADHD and probably autism but who knows? pyromaniac. aroace icon!!!

Hamato Donatello:

Age: 12 (twins with leo)

Pronouns: he/him (…or are they?)

Height: 5’9

Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly indian peacock softshell turtle and human, with a very prominent splash of lionfish

Fun facts: autism (again with the human terminology) galore, loves botany, chemistry, mechanics, and coding. can breathe underwater! shy, deadly, and extremely weird. cannot read a map even at gunpoint.

Hamato Leonardo:

Age: 12 (twins with donnie)

Pronouns: he/him and they/them

Height: 5’6

Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly red eared slider and human

Fun facts: PTSD. so much of it. apprentice medic, the best at hiding out of every single character except one. HOH from birth. ADHD (again, human terms). trans boy!

Splinter/ Hamato Yoshi:

Age: 42

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 6’1

Species: mutant— human and grasshopper mouse

Fun facts: represses himself so hard he represses others. absolute piece of shit. he chose this and he deserves what he gets. i hate him so much.

April O’Neil

Age: 14

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’

Species: human

Fun facts: autistic, trans girl, she was born without a left hand but completely forgets to do the “can you give me a hand” jokes or the “need a hand?” jokes when she’s wearing her prosthetic. probably hasn’t seen her parents in 2 months because they suck. will be officially adopted as the turtles’ sister

Alistair Phalanx Draxum:

Age: ????

Pronouns: all, but generally prefers he/him

Height: 6’8

Species: dorset sheep yōkai

Fun facts: autistic (again, human terms), genderqueer transmasc, has done genetic experiments but was very ethical about it all, Traumatized, currently a paediatric doctor with a specialty in surgery!

???? (referred to as It):

Age: he’d be around 47 at this point

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 6’1

Species: human

Fun facts: none of his facts are fun.

????:

Age: 12

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 4’11

Species: river/sea kushtaka hybrid

Fun facts: i love him. he’s going to die.

????:

Age: VERY OLD

Pronouns: she/her, it/its

Height: 5’

Species: lynx yōkai

Fun facts: extremely fluffy, wonderful person. saved alistair from himself. basically his mom now. paediatric doctor and therapist (thank god)

[frigidcoast]

Information!

Frigid/Frig/Glacial/Nico

he/they/it/rot - 13-16 - pan-oriented aroace - nonbinary I'm a multifandom artist who's also very slow at making art lmao. please do not pressure me if I'm taking a long time to finish something. friendly reminder that I have school and friends, which I often worry about I don't have any triggers really besides realistic gorey stuff. nsfw weirdos and proshitters will be blocked on sight, I do not need to see that shit. do not interact with me. IF I am following or liking/reblogging posts from anyone who's problematic, please let me know! same goes for anything I post that may seem offensive! please tell me!! and do not be afraid to contact me if I've done something that you are uncomfortable with!!

!! WARNING - Some of my art may contain FLASHY COLORS and GORE !! if you don't like that, or it triggers you, please block these tags!! gore tw gore eyestrain tw eyestrain blood tw blood

a little info:

I'm generally a pretty monotone person, I may come off as not caring, but I'm just not very good at displaying emotion in voice or text.

I'm pretty socially anxious, so communicating with other people is a pretty large task for me! please do not pressure me into stuff :( ask and requests rules/info: won't do: ❌ will do: ✅ heavy gore [❌] nsfw [❌] heavy romance art [❌] (like. passionate kissing. I'm fine with a little peck on the cheeck) light + medium gore [✅] oc art [✅] platonic shipping art [✅] (IF I DON'T LIKE THE SHIP [ie: makes me uncomfortable, generally just weird, problematic] I WILL DECLINE) - this can only go to specific lengths. I still have the right to decline if something makes me uncomfortable regardless. in-character questions [✅] (ie: hey rivulet, what's your favorite food?) silly doodle requests [✅]

💣current interests not sorted in any way; rain world, minecraft ARGs/minecraft horror, parkour civilization, whitepine

sometimes I also post completely original characters and ocs for games like rain world! (for example, Fen is a slugcat oc I made for Rain World)

my art can be used anywhere, just credit me please! and if you for some reason make any fanart of my designs or something, ping me! I don't mind mentions at all! I also don't mind asks or messages, I really like interacting with people.. it's just my social anxiety that halts me from answering or responding to everything..

🔗 links n stuff woohoo

carrd - outdated..

rentry - finally updated!! woohoo!!

discord - guineamoosh

🐛tags -

#frigid art - my art! I rarely use this tag though because I.. very often forget to.. #frigid text - rambling and text posts!! #frigid polls - polls I make for the funsies or important decisions

#gift - anything people make for me! ocs, fanart of designs, or whatever, it's all going to be tagged as this! :)

#ask - any asks I get and answer from my inbox!

#important - anything I post that I deem important or that I need to be able to access quickly fandom tags will be used, so please filter out what you DON'T want to see on my blog!

that should be it for now, thank you! if I should add or remove anything else, please let me know!

[loregoddess]

Temenos Mistral for the character ask game! (Because you were talking about them earlier!)

First impression: "Oh, he seems neat, wonder what his story will be about."

Impression now: I love Temenos, one of my top favorite characters from the game, probably my scond-fave after Ochette. He's such an interesting character and his story (gripes I might have with the pacing aside) was unexpected for a "cleric" story, based on what I'd seen with Ophilia and some of the clerics from CotC. Honestly I'd write up an entire character analysis if I had the energy to do so, bc there is so much going on with him.

Favorite moment: A few different ones, but I really like how any time that the façade he puts up starts to slip, this sheer force of anger slips through--that's good stuff. Love that his "In Pursuit of Truth" theme also sounds much more energetic and aggressive when compared to his normal theme song (and like, I'm not well-versed with music terms and stuff, but Temenos is also the only character whose "In Pursuit of..." song has a significantly different tempo and more aggressive melody when compared to the standard theme, if I recall correctly).

Idea for a story: Hmm, do the two rewrite ideas of his main narrative that I have floating in my head count? Like I've said, something about the general pacing of events and a handful of narrative elements in his story don't really work for me, and as a result his story arc doesn't seem as strong compared to the others' stories. Not all of it is "bad writing" or anything, like the writers clearly had a plan in mind, and I know some of it is just my personal taste...but yeah, I have a "canon compliant, trying to match the general narrative motifs and themes of the rest of the characters" rewrite idea, and a "mostly canon compliant, but definitely changing some things to fit my personal tastes which therefore go against one or two of the overall recurring themes and motifs" rewrite idea. I'll probably never do anything with them though bc it's more like...anytime I come across story writing that I thought was really good, I try to figure out what about it I liked and how the writers set it up, and any time I come across story writing that doesn't work, I do the same thing where I try to figure out why I didn't like it and then try to figure out how I'd write it myself, and this is like, a little mental enrichment I do just for fun and also to try and sharpen my own preferences and sensibilities for storytelling and writing. So like, I don't technically have that much beef with his story, and I don't want to come off as "I'm a better writer than the original writers" or even that I thought the original arc was bad (it really wasn't bad writing per se), it's more just a thing I came up with for myself for funsies and as a mental exercise in narrative, more so than an actual like, critique of the original story.

Unpopular opinion: I uh, I don't ship him with Crick...or anyone actually. In fact the Temenos x Crick ship really does not float my goats (nothing against anyone who enjoys the ship, you do you and all that, it's just not my cup of tea). I actually read and more or less headcanon Temenos as aroace, and even if I didn't, he's got like 2934820398432 unresolved trust issues, so I'd have a hard time seeing him be able to enter into a romantic relationship anyhow. But that's just my reading, again no shade to anyone who has a different reading/headcanons.

Favorite relationship: I love his interactions with all the other main characters, but I find his weird friendship with Ochette to be really, really interesting especially (I'd write up an analysis and list of thoughts on this too if I had the energy). Outside of the main cast, what little we get to see of his interactions with Jorg, along with what we learn after Jorg gets murdered, is really fascinating to me as well. They have a very unusual familial/professional relationship (although given that Benedict and Anna's wildly unconventional familial relationship is also super interesting to me, I'm thinking I might just be an enjoyer of unconventional and murky adopted familial relationships in fiction).

Favorite headcanon: I am fond of the idea of him being related to Alpates and Throne by blood, although as I've turned the headcanon over in my head and whittled it like a wood carving, it's developed into something really specific with basically no in-game source to back it up, so it's a 100% bona fide "I just made something up and went with it" headcanon that I keep modifying and changing. Basically, I think he's got a situation similar to Hikari's, but significantly more subdued since he doesn't have an evil shadow version of himself trying to talk him into murdering everyone, and that his blood ties to Alpates's bloodline are stronger than his blood ties to D'arqest. Some more specifics about that under the cut bc explaining myself requires talking about late-game spoilers.

(Specifically rather than being directly Claude's son, I think it's entirely possible some of the Blacksnakes were able to have kids of their own, like Father did, without Claude finding out about them and having the child killed, and that even potentially those kids might have had kids, thinning the blood ties to Claude further--so rather than being Throne's half-sibling, Temenos would be more uh...*checks cheat-sheet chart for familial ties* ummm...her half-grand-nephew, god I hate everything about that phrase why does anything relating to Claude have to be a string of "wtf??"s). I keep changing this headcanon slightly (I did originally start from the base of having him and Throne as half-siblings), so who knows just how much it's gonna change before I settle on something I'm really happy with, but I do like the idea a lot.

[auspicious-poppy]

Well I just finished the romantic killer anime and as promised here are some thoughts:

1) The over dramatic screaming got annoying as it does in any anime but Anzu’s facial expressions are unparalleled 2) I don’t like the sparkly filter slapped on the guys in the early episodes, that wasn’t in the manga 3) I really hope romantic scenarios being crushed by the power of friendship become a new trend 4) Hijiri should’ve moved in too, that would’ve made everything way more chaotic if he was always commenting on how the commoners live 5) if anyone can complete this series without thinking Anzu isn’t at least somewhere on the aspec really need to get their eyes checked 6) even though I knew it was coming the dark turn toward the end still hit weird with such a change of tone and 7) /hj as an aroace who has been a lifelong chocolate addict and only loves her cat I’m so happy to finally have representation 🥹 overall a pretty fun watch, there needs to be more fiction mocking amatonormativity & I stand by my comment of it being viewed as a satire of the aromantic experience

Hope you’re having a good day/night 👋

Hey! So sorry for the VERY late response, life got very busy. :') Glad to hear from you though!!! 1. Perhaps we're both getting too old for dramatic anime screams aha. Used to watch so many slice-of-life and romance animes back then sooo.... 2. Interesting... what else was different from the manga? :0 Were they just presented normally in their manga panels? I wonder if the sparkly filters is supposed to exaggerate the romance part or represent Anzu feeling attraction (which is what those shoujo filters are used for usually yeah? I forgot lmao.) 3. BIG AGREE WITH YOU THERE!! WE NEED MORE OF THIS. THE POWER OF PLATONIC RELOS!! 4. BIG YES TO THIS TOO! Can totally imagine Hijiri dying internally over a million times seeing how commoners - especially Anzu - live their lives. Though I wonder what situation would Riri cook up to force Hijiri to live with Anzu though, might need to take more than just flooding a room. 5. In defense of the allos - aromanticism still is relatively unknown. But yes, Anzu's experiences resonated with me somewhat as an aro. Hopefully other aros feel comfort as well. 6. I personally love it when stories take a fucking turn haha. It did reveal Kazuki's past, pushed Riri to do something selfless and most importantly, cemented the power of friendship!! 7. Don't really know much fiction mocking amatonormativity - we certainly need more of those. :( And if anyone has recs, pls send them through!! Buttt, I can recommend an anime that parodies anime in general and bonus bonus, the protagonist is aroace (while the word is never explicitly stated, he literally says that he doesn't experience romantic attraction!!). Watch The Disastrous Life of Saiki. K!!!

[addictedtostorytelling]

Fellow aroace here! With Valentines Day coming up, I have a question.

Does all this shipping ever make you sad? It didn’t use to, for me. But the way you describe Grissom and Sara’s intimacy and comfort with each other is beautiful. They’re better, healthier people when they’re together…I don’t know. Our society isn’t really set up to find that outside of a sexual and romantic context. Has shipping influenced your perspective at all?

Please don’t answer if any part of this makes you uncomfortable : )

hi, fellow aroace anon!

i'm going to tuck my answer after the "keep reading" here, okay?

__

while i can't say the feeling has ever necessarily been connected to shipping for me, when i was in my twenties, i did experience a kind of mourning for the life i had always been conditioned to expect that i would lead, which i was just then starting to realize was an impossibility for me.

at that time, as i was coming to terms with my aroaceness, i felt heartache over the prospect of being so terminally alone; i was not only sad but even a bit angry that for whatever reason, my biology and/or psychology and/or conditioning had "saddled me" with this weird indisposition toward companionship. it seemed like nature's cruel joke.

not only did i have no interest in having sexual and/or romantic relationships, but i also was such a very private person that i didn't want even a roommate, much less any kind of platonic partnership, even if such a thing were available to me.

for whatever reason, i was "wired" toward complete solitude.

particularly as i watched my friends and siblings pairing off with long-term romantic partners, getting married, having children, etc., i very much had a sense of being on the outside of some of the most fundamentally human experiences looking in, knowing i was incapable of passing over that threshold myself.

i didn't want the sex or the romantic love, but i was also afraid that without them, i'd be lost, unmoored, forgotten about; somehow incomplete; inhuman.

i worried about what would become of me, not only in a more practical/utilitarian sense—who would take care of me when i was old?—but also in the more ethical sense of being concerned about my personal growth and character.

how could i be a full person, i wondered, if i didn't know those most sublime kinds of love, if i never experienced those kinds of intimacy?

there was almost a shame to it and definitely a great deal of fear.

it wasn't until i started to more critically examine some of my underlying assumptions about what i actually wanted for myself in my life and what kinds of things were meaningful to me personally that i realized that a lot of the sadness and anger and shame and fear that i had were inherited feelings, tied to how allo- and amatonormative society generally is.

for my whole life, i had been told that living and dying alone was the worst possible thing, and, frankly, it took a lot of work for me to start to disentangle my actual feelings from that deeply ingrained but ultimately false premise.

part of this process involved starting to live on my own and to carve out a life as a lone adult person sans a romantic partner. the more time i spent by myself, the more i realized how much i liked it.

the other part just involved growing more into myself and becoming more actualized as a person, which is something i think that a lot of people experience going into their thirties.

in time, i realized that i could still be a complete and fulfilled person without experiencing love for a romantic partner and/or child.

while there are plenty of people out there—including fictional ones, like grissom and sara—for whom those kinds of love are their raisons d'être (what is ultimately most edifying and motivating and fulfilling for them), i could draw my inspiration and satisfaction elsewhere.

and it isn't the same, i know.

i have had to come to terms with the fact that there is this whole huge swath of human experience that i will never access; an unknown country i'll never be able to claim the passport to visit.

but there are other things out there, too.

some people might look at my reasons and scoff at how quotidian they are—say that they are not the kinds of things that people write epic stories about, after the same fashion as romantic love.

i've had to learn to be okay with going against those norms and defying those expectations.

in my process of self-acceptance, i looked a lot to my grandmother, who had divorced my grandfather in her sixties and then spent the last three decades of her life living alone. she traveled extensively. researched and wrote the definitive biography on an obscure twentieth-century artist. supported her family members. undertook all sorts of artistic projects. made friends wherever she went. convinced every single one of her thirteen grandchildren that they were, individually, her favorite.

barring when she had guests, she went home to an empty house/apartment every night.

but her life was rich and meaningful.

she found edification in small things.

in her nineties, before she died, she told me that she was so glad to have had so much autonomy in her later life; that she actually reveled in it.

so i've tried to take a similar approach.

my vocation as a teacher and scholar of the arts has become very meaningful to me, as have my friendships, my commitment to being kind, my obligation to keep my dumb cat alive and happy, my identity as a storyteller and writer and a supportive sister and advocate for causes i'm passionate about, even just my role (however small) in making people smile with the pictures and stories i post to the internet.

a lot of people would look at my life and opine that what fills it isn't enough—and especially not to occupy me for the next forty or fifty years.

maybe time will prove them right.

but right now, i am able to find beauty in how i live. i am motivated to better myself. i enjoy living with no one except my cat and cultivating different forms of intimacy aside from the romantic, having different needs filled by different loved ones; "doing it by committee."

though occasionally i am still curious about what romantic love would really be like, most often, i tend to think that maybe the "unknown country" isn't actually so unknown to me after all. foreign as it is, it's still imaginable to me, at least, based on my experiences with other kinds of bonds, different affections.

that's why i can enjoy seeing it in stories.

that's why i can write about it in my fics, despite having never experienced it for myself.

sure, the attraction part i have to purely suppose about, but the parts about devotion, the parts about wanting good things for someone you care about, the parts about finding yourself inspired by someone else—those parts i understand enough, i think, to approximate.

and the rest of what i don't, i'm okay not knowing.

though i do still have some practical concerns about what the future will hold for me as an unpartnered person with no children, the older i get, the more i am not only okay with but genuinely happy in my orientation as an aroace person and contented with my lifestyle.

given the choice, i wouldn't want to be allosexual or to experience romantic attraction.

in my late thirties, i'm not sad to be who i am anymore.

now.

all of the above said, my journey is my journey alone, and i'm certainly not trying to insinuate that you or any other aroace person who does feel that kind of mournfulness is wrong to do so—and neither am i saying that it's something that can just be "grown out of" or that your feelings aren't valid/real.

while i do believe that society being so thoroughly allo- and amatonomative plays a big role in how we as aspec people feel about ourselves and our prospects, i also know that there are many in our communities who do legitimately grieve not being able to engage in sexual/romantic relationships not because that's what anyone has told them they should feel but because that's how they actually do feel, just within themselves.

not everyone can or will come to feel as comfortable in their identity as i have in mine. i know that for a lot people in the community, that regret of not being able to experience sexual attraction and/or romantic love is something that very much "lives where they live." they'll always wish that they could have it; always wish that they were different.

and that's not something light to bear.

i tend to be a very naturally solitary person, even just socially, beyond anything having to do with romance or not.

i like to joke that i am the hermit on the mountain—i love to have pilgrims come to visit me, but i am also totally at peace just chilling up there by myself.

but a lot of aroace folks—probably the majority of them, honestly—have greater social needs than i do. while they might not want romantic partners or spouses, they do long to share their lives somehow; to experience long-term, deep levels of intimacy with one or more people.

to have someone to come home to, as it were.

that's why a lot of aroace folks seek out queerplatonic relationships or surround themselves with platonic friends.

however, those options aren't necessarily either available or appealing to everyone.

like you say, it's not a simple thing to find deep connections outside of the realms of sex and romance.

it can be a very isolating experience, not having an interest in those kinds of intimacy. make it hard to come by companionship, even if one wants to.

so if that's where you are—

honestly, i can't tell you what you should do. the kind of self-examination that helped me come to terms with my situation may not work for you, particularly if you have more of an interest in forming intimate nonsexual and nonromantic social connections than i have, which it sounds like you might.

all i can tell you is that you have every right to curate your life—including how you interact with fandom.

as for the grissom and sara of it all, while they definitely draw their senses of purpose from and experience beauty and healing and growth in their romantic love for each other, theirs is just one kind of experience. there are other characters for whom "transcendence" comes from other sources than romantic love.

for example, catherine.

the same is absolutely true of real life people.

love stories are not only ubiquitous in fiction, but they are also often framed in such a way that they seem like the be-all and end-all in it, with the narrative coming to its culmination only when the characters get married "and live happily ever after."

but they're not the only stories there are.

and other happy endings are possible.

i won't pretend that finding guiding principles, sources of intimacy, motivations for self-betterment, a sense of fulfillment, etc. outside of what society would consider to be the "usual avenues" toward them is easy.

traveling less-frequently trodden ground never is.

but i do know for sure they are possible to find.

there is no one right way to be human.

and there are deep and real and wonderful loves out there—full passions!—that are not predicated on one's ability to experience sexual attraction or romance.

keep looking for yours, anon.

there's a lot of beautiful country out there for us aroaces to explore; parts unknown, just waiting to be mapped.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.