#i know there's that other guy in the preview but he's either Sebastian or some one-off character we'll forget

[meganechan05]

HimeRita fans are WINNING on November 12th

Rita: Are you being threatened? I want to help.

Yes. Rita asked if Himeno was in danger.

Rita said they want to help her.

RITA IS OPENLY ASKING FOR PERMISSION TO HELP HIMENO

AND THEY ARE A CANDIDATE FOR AN ARRANGE MARRIAGE WITH HIMENO

WE ARE FCKING WINNING!!!!

[imjeralee]

Wallflower: Chapter 16 - Your Hugs are the Best

Raihan x F!Reader

Disclaimer: Do not own Pokemon

Note: I remember typing this chapter. It was a nightmare XD

Summary: You’re an unassuming Pokemon breeder who works at the nursery in the Wild Area and he’s Raihan, the fearsome gym leader of Hammerlocke who has more than a million followers. You don’t want anything to do with him but he’s…persistent.

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings: Lemon, smut, violence, language. 

YOUR HUGS ARE THE BEST

...

...

Eli's brought to the room in handcuffs with two policemen escorting him.

He's got a visitor and he's not sure who it could be because he's not expecting anyone else to visit him. Bede came earlier, just to see how he was getting on and to drop a few insults which he was used to. Bede will now become Chairman Rose's right hand man, a role which the youth had wanted for some time but didn't realise he would get so soon and without any drama considering Eli's own (and uncalled for) undoing. His mum also came to visit where he found out a rather unpleasant truth.

Numb inside, he finds his feet moving on their own accord and when the door is opened, he's nudged in and he sees Raihan sitting in the empty seat, wearing a rather morose expression which doesn't suit him.

So Eli snarls out, "What are you doing here?"

Raihan's really the last person he wants to see. He took everything from him. Everything. He's extremely fortunate; he's a gym leader, he's rich and he has a girlfriend. That's what really grinds Eli's bones. He has everything whilst Eli has nothing. As though oblivious to Eli's growing disdain, Raihan says, "I'm here to visit you." It's the obvious truth which frustrates Eli more.

Regardless, Eli shuffles over, dragging the chair out and the legs scrape across the cold hard floor with a squeal; Eli plops himself down, furious. "Why? Have you come here to gloat?"

Raihan looks confused. "No. Why would I do that?"

”Then what do you want?”

”I just came to see how you were.”

Eli lifts up his handcuffed wrists. “What do you think?”

Raihan slides his gaze to the cuffs then says, "...I spoke to your mother.”

There's a brief silence and Eli lowers his wrists, throwing his glance to the window before he scoffs. “...The old bag isn't even my real mum. I don't know where I come from or who I am." He mutters under his breath, “...What a joke. My entire life is a joke. What else could go wrong?”

He's facing ten years in prison, that's what could go wrong.

”Eli, you helped Chairman Rose all those years and he doesn't blame you for what you did. We can reduce the sentence.”

Again, he scoffs. ”Look at me, Raihan. I'm right where I belong. I'm a criminal. Since the day Rose told me I was no longer going to be Hammerlocke's gym leader, Team Rocket took me under their wing and I infiltrated Galar for them. Don’t feel sorry for me. The only people who truly appreciated me was Team Rocket.” Eli replies, before he says loudly, “One day, you'll also realise that Rose is nothing but a selfish bastard and by that time, it'll be too late."

"Rose can be difficult, but....he wants to help you.”

"It's fine, Raihan. No-one needs to do anything for me. I got what I deserved."

Raihan looks somewhat conflicted. "That's not true."

"Don't bother with me anymore. Just leave me alone. Don't you know how lucky you are? Don't you know how good you have it?" Eli replies, before he throws a glance over his shoulder, "Guard, take me back.”

”Wait."

”What?”

“...You’re one of the first people I met when I joined the Pokemon League.” Raihan says, as Eli moves to stand, “You were a good friend to me; I'll never forget that.”

Eli blinks in silence, stunned. His fists curl but he says nothing and the policemen return, ending the short visit. Eli does nothing as the men grab him and bring him to the door and out of the room. Raihan watches his retreating back silently.

The guards show Eli to the cell, uncuffs him and he steps inside, glancing around his surroundings. He'll be here for a long time. Eli's lip trembles as he sits down on the cold, hard bed and the barred door is slammed shut and locked with a loud creak, he stares quietly at the ground.

Then he promptly bursts into tears.

....

After leaving the station, Raihan returns to the stadium. The city's pretty quiet today in general but it could be due to the closure of the gym and the cancellation of gym challenges for a week so there's less tourists. Along the way, he receives several messages and when he checks the screen, his brows furrow when he realises they are from someone he didn't want to hear from, or think he would hear from either: his ex-girlfriend.

The message preview says: I miss you.

He should tell his girlfriend should he get the chance, just in case any misunderstandings arise.

Nevertheless, he makes his way inside the gym and to the locker room where he spots the Hammerlocke gym team - his proteges Sebastian, Camilla and Aria, and the cheerleaders. They're all waiting for him; some of them are on their phone until he steps inside and they hastily put away their devices, all attention focused on the gym leader.

"Morning everyone." He gives them a grin, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his thick hoodie as everyone seats themselves down on the benches, "Today's meeting is gonna be fairly short. I'd send a message to the group chat but I thought speaking to you guys face to face would be better. You've probably seen the news - all gyms are to be closed for a week, re-opening next Monday. However, you're welcome to use the pitch for training as long as you've still got your keycard."

There's an excitable hubbub amongst the group but they soon dissolve into silence as Aria lifts up her arm.

"Yes, Ari?"

"Raihan, why did Eli attack Chairman Rose?"

Raihan lifts one hand to scratch at his headband; he forgot that some of the team and proteges were new and wouldn't know. "Eli was originally meant to be Hammerlocke's gym leader." He says. Whilst Sebastian, Alicia and Camilla nod, the others look noticeably confused. "But Chairman Rose decided Eli wasn't a good fit so I was given the gym leader position instead."

"Thank Arceus!" One of the cheerleaders exclaim, "We can't imagine anyone else being Hammerlocke's gym leader except you, Rai."

"Yeah, I agree!"

"Definitely not Eli, he's awful!"

The cheerleaders are quite vocal about their opinions whilst his proteges merely nod amongst themselves and Raihan laughs, "Alright, calm down, everyone." And the cheerleaders simmer into silence.

Sebastian lifts his hand up this time. "The news says you and your girlfriend stopped him." He mutters, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"Yep, that's right. You've probably seen her around."

A cheerleader giggles loudly, "Yeah, I saw her mop the floor with Alicia!"

Immediately, Alicia frowns and scowls at her. "I-I went easy on her!"

"I heard she's an EV trainer."

"Has she been to any of your matches, Rai?"

"Not yet."

"Can we meet her????" asks another cheerleader and whilst Alicia and a few others scowl at her, the proteges look quite interested.

"Sure. I can bring her round one day."

"Yay!”

"Any more questions? Anyone?"

The group goes silent and everyone throws glances to each other but overall, there's nothing, so Raihan adjourns the meeting and everyone goes off their separate ways. As he takes his belongings out of his locker, Rotom sounds off again and he checks the screen. It's from his ex again and it says: I miss you, please come back to me.

....

Later.

There's a spot in your home where you go when you want some peace and quiet, to clear your mind. It's not the kitchen sink cupboard either, it's the tree stump in your front yard. Luckily the weather is good with a gentle breeze in the air so you've sat there whilst waiting for Raihan to come back, staring up at the sky with Espeon curled up in your lap.

You stroke her head and back absent-mindedly, preoccupied with your thoughts. You had woken up this morning, remembering all too well that Raihan has seen you sleeping under the kitchen sink in the middle of the night and you thought you had turned him off big time but you were surprised to wake up and he was still in your home. He didn’t mention anything though and you carried on as normal - you both took a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast and then Raihan returned to Hammerlocke.

Many people in your life came and went. They could deal with your emotional issues, or issues in general - but only up to a certain point. After a while, people just seemed to have displayed no interest in listening and stopped lending their ears. You soon discovered that people were more interested in themselves and were only out for themselves.

That was a cold, hard truth you learned quickly in life.

Used to being misunderstood, being disappointed by those you poured your trust and faith in... the only person you confided in and still maintained contact with was your friend who has been with you through thick and thin and vice versa - and now you have found out that she’s been involved in an accident in Castelia City; she's been admitted to the Community Hospital and she hasn't woken up. Her mother called you to let you know, even though she's a few days late. That explains why your friend never made it to Rose's party.

If that wasn't distressing enough for you, your boss then messaged, informing you that she will be taking indefinite leave and the nursery will be closed for a week on account that the gyms are closed, too.

However, during her absence, you're going to get a new boss - someone from the Route 5 nursery. Your boss sounded uncertain when you asked her when she was going to return, so now you can't help but feel that she's decided not to come back, if at all. She tells you not to worry about the nursery during your break.

You have decided that Phantump will continue to stay with Allister; your boss cannot bring herself to face Phantump at the moment. Perhaps in due time, she will take him in.

Then you saw this online article and it's about Raihan and you and the comments range from how ugly and fat you are and how you don't deserve Raihan, how poor you are and that you're a gold digger, how he deserves much better and that you should go back to where you came from.

Emitting a huge and heavy sigh, you try not to let the comments from complete and utter strangers get to you but they are so mean and hurtful...and now you're questioning everything: why are you here? If you think about it more clearly, you haven't really had a good time.... you haven't made any new friends. Your family are in Johto, you miss them a lot, and now your friend is hurt and in hospital. Your job seems secure to a certain extent but you're not sure what's going to happen from now on.

The only good thing to happen to you since you came here is meeting Raihan. Aside from that...you don't really have anyone or anything else. It was your choice to work abroad... but you didn't realise it could be so lonely.

And before Raihan left to Hammerlocke, you had told him everything that had happened and how you will need to visit your friend in Unova. After Unova, you will go to Johto to see your family. You asked him if he wanted to come because since you both have a week off, you think it is really a good idea to make the most of it if possible.

To your utmost surprise, he agreed and that he would look into last minute flights. Leave it all to him, he said. You felt bad about that but he said he would take care of it.

The thought of going home actually makes you happy and you turn to Espeon. She opens her large eyes and blinks up at you, then she reaches up and rubs her head and ears and whiskers over the side of your cheek affectionately. You giggle, wrapping your arms around your lilac furry baby, fingers smoothing over her soft fur. She purrs with content, closing her eyes as you hold her tightly in your embrace. You remember when she was just a little Eevee, so tiny and cute.

You chuckle under your breath just as Poliwag sticks his head under your arm and eases it off Espeon, burying himself into your arms. He trills happily and you're surprised to see him outside the bathroom which is nice for a change. Drifloon floats over too, wrapping his little strings under your chin and settling over the top of your head.

"Hmm, I'm missing two more." You say, throwing a glance over your shoulder to Dreepy and Goomy - however, you're quickly taken by surprise when Dreepy vanishes from his spot and materialises on your shoulder, rubbing his head over your cheek.

That leaves Goomy, who's fast asleep under a neon mushroom a few feet away from your group until he's gently picked up. It's Raihan; he's returned, standing behind the small gate of your front yard. With Goomy in his grasp, he makes his way over to your group. "Hey."

Your face lights up at once. "Hey, you're back. How did it go?"

"All good. Sebastian and the others are fine. The cheerleaders too." He leans forwards and you exchange a brief kiss before breaking apart. Raihan moves to sit cross-legged in front of you on the grass with Goomy snoozing away in his lap. "The stadium's officially closed." He adds, "I got the tickets. Everything's all booked."

Your jaw drops as he pulls out some tickets from his pockets and presses them into your hand. He's gotten cruise tickets for the Royal Unova andplane tickets. "Rai! These are...how did you even get these??? It’s so last minute! Thank you so much." You smile widely at him and he leans forwards once more; you follow his cue and your lips meet again.

"It's no bother at all."

"How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything, princess. It was my pleasure." He says, cupping your cheek with his large hand, "The Royal Unova will take us from Hulbury directly to Castelia City, then we'll catch a direct flight from Mistralton to Johto."

You gawk at him wide-eyed. He's got everything figured out! Sweet Arceus, why is Raihan so perfect?!

"I'll head back to pack." He adds, snapping you out of your thoughts.

"Okay. Shall we meet at Hulbury?"

He nods, pressing his lips against yours briefly. "Yep." You smooch again until he says, “Before I go, I need to show you something.”

”What?”

He takes out his phone and shows you his messages screen. You don’t see anything wrong and you’re not sure why he’s showing you it until you see a “I miss you” message from his ex.

At first, you blinked blankly at the message, then your expression turned dark. What the hell. I miss you? You begin to quietly seethe with rage; you see that he’s received several messages too, and not just the one. So....his ex wants to get back with him?

He returns his phone back to his pockets once he notices how you glower at the screen. ”I just started receiving them this morning. I didn’t reply, and I’m not going to.” He mutters, “I thought I should tell you.”

Oh, Raihan. Raihan, Raihan, Raihan. What a sweetheart. You smile widely, reaching for him and pulling his headband up where you plant multiple kisses on his forehead. He chuckles in response when you proceed to wrap your arms around his head, holding him close to you.

”Thanks, I really appreciate it.” You say, “It’s fine, honestly.”

Raihan leaves and you grab Goomy; it sucks that Raihan’s ex has messaged him, trying to worm her way back into his life and even trying to steal him away from you - but Raihan has shown you the messages and even told you he won’t entertain her.

With more important things to think about - like your trip for example - you rush back into your cottage with your pokemon and into your lounge and they leap out of your arms as you shut the door before you pull out your Rotom phone to message your mother:

You: Hi mom i have a week off so im coming home. Raihan is coming with me :)

Looking up from your phone for a brief moment, you pause, then hastily start typing again.

You: Ps can u hide my Steven Stone fan art and those fanfictions I wrote about Lance?

...

Later.

This is your first trip with Raihan.

How exciting!

Also, you're getting to go home! You'll be able to see mum and Glenn - and it's then you randomly remember that mum had wanted you to go to Celadon City and not Galar, to train as a flower girl in Erika's gym but knowing that she only specialised in grass and welcomed 'attractive' pokemon only, you had refused because your entire team apparently didn't qualify.

Time is of the essence here and you're determined to make the most of your allocated time - so the itinerary is very simple: the Royal Unova is a luxurious cruise ship that picks up passengers on various harbours around the world and in Galar, and as Raihan mentioned, the harbour is at Hulbury. It will subsequently dock at it's final destination which is Castelia City, thus efficiently depositing you where your friend's hospital is. It won't even take long either, just a few hours onboard. You've been wary of sea travel after seeing what happened to the S.S. Anne but hell, it can't stop you.

And after you visit your friend, you will then head to Mistralton City to take a flight to Johto and from Johto, take a return flight to Galar. Unfortunately, you really don't have any time to do much sightseeing in Unova with Raihan. Maybe next time.

The cruise ship is arriving tonight at eight o'clock and you've got to pack. Whilst Raihan has returned home to pack his belongings, you both video chat each other. Even though he's not physically in your house, you feel he is still with you. You will meet him three hours in Hulbury prior boarding time; he's given you heads up to pack a swimsuit.

You hastily return all your house'mon into their pokeballs and deposit them into the PC for safekeeping and for access when you get on the cruise liner. You will keep Metagross, Chompy, Tyranitar, Salamence and Haxorus with you on person. You keep Poliwag with you too; he'll be your companion.

At home, you pull out the suitcase you took with you to Galar, giving it a quick wipe with a clean and hot cloth before grabbing some clothes to pack. You're not going away for long so it's not necessary to pack too many items but for some reason you're wanting to pack ten pairs of panties with you in case you run out of underwear. Once you're done, you ensure all your gas, electricity and water and heating has been turned off and make sure everything else is in order, then head for the door.

"Goodbye, house." You say, giving your cottage one final look before closing the door and locking it.

The Corviknight taxi takes you and Poliwag to Hulbury and it's been a while since you and Poliwag have really hung out but it's nice for him to be outside your bathroom for a change.

Since Poliwag is not very good at walking, you carry him. He looks a little frightened by his new and different surroundings but you assure him that he'll be fine and you both make your way to the harbour where Raihan is waiting for you; he's inside the ferry terminal, looking at his phone whilst seated on a bench with three suitcases by his side.

At first, you thought he would be overdressed but he's looking rather casual - he's wearing a windbreaker, a white t-shirt with a dragon claw print on the front, black joggers and white trainers with a red streak on the sides. In an attempt to be as inconspicuous as possible, he's even propped a beanie over his dreadlocks and a pair of sunglasses. Luckily, no-one seems to pay any attention to him; you weave through the crowd of passengers who are waiting to board the ship and when he sees you, he stands, putting his phone away.

"That's a lot of suitcases." You point out as you stop in front of him.

"Yep." He says, peering down from his shades to wink at you; he scoops your hand with his, giving you an affectionate squeeze, "Let's go, I got all the travel documents."

Nodding, you join the queue with your suitcases and stand in line amongst other fellow passengers who chatter to each other excitedly whilst their Pokemon play with each other. You can also hear people comparing the amount of ribbons their pokemon have and the number of contests they've won. Outside, the ship can be seen bobbing up and down gently in the sea where a few Dewgongs leap around and frolick in the waves. The ship is so huge you can only see one window and the side of the ship is covered in Binacles.

To keep yourself occupied whilst you queue, you watch as a few youngsters play around with their pokemon whilst a couple in the corner kiss passionately; Raihan nudges you with a grin and you turn away, cheeks reddening. You grab the brochure, opening it and checking the entertainment onboard - there are a few shows going on, namely Pokemon Karaokemon and Pikachu's Jukebox which you want to watch.

When it's finally your turn to be served, you both check in, the agent breezes through your travel documents and passports where you and Raihan end up comparing your ID photos. The agent then weighs all your luggage and attaches tags on them; finally, she prints out your onboard identification passes, room key and payment card and you're finally ready to go in. The agent tells you that the ship will be docking in Castelia City next morning.

You almost forgot how exhausting the entire ordeal could be when you and Raihan make your way hand in hand down the corridor that will lead to the ship. A steward with a Poliwhirl dressed up with a sailor's hat stands at the very top and they both welcome you onboard with a synchronised salute. The steward provides instructions how to find your room and when you look at the ticket, you realise Raihan's booked a VIP suite which doesn't surprise you at all.

With Poliwag in your arms, you and Raihan find your room - which is far away from the common folk and it's a massive room with an equally huge king-sized bed slap bang in the middle. The room's decor is seriously exquisite - consisting of gold drapes and red furnishings and an ensuite bathroom that's fitted with a jacuzzi. It's a shame you're only staying for a few hours, but you are going to make sure you relax and enjoy your time here with Raihan.

Whilst Raihan tests the bed, you and Poliwag check out the bathroom, glimpsing around the beautiful marble interior. You're interrupted when a tannoy goes off and it's an announcement from the captain; you feel the ship is beginning to move and you are now free to explore the ship to your heart's content.

The first thing you do is hit the VIP pool; it's Raihan's idea, of course.

With a towel, a pair of flip-flops and your swimsuit in hands, you and Raihan head to the VIP area where you both split up once you reach the changing rooms. Poliwag finds an empty cubicle for you - you're going to meet Raihan at the pool - and you quickly change out of your clothes and into the swimsuit you packed. Cripes, it's tight. You stand awkwardly in your flip-flops, tugging and pulling at the straps and pulling down on your panties before locking away your belongings into a locker and grabbing the jelly bracelet and key, strapping it around your wrist.

Turning to Poliwag, he looks eager to hit the pool and follows you outside, promptly jumping into the pool first.

You stop at the pool's edge, peering over and glimpsing into the clear blue water and you sense a presence approaching you from behind. Spinning round on your heel, you see it's Raihan and he's about to push you into the pool as he creeps up but you're quick to grab his arm as he reaches for you and you pull him forwards.

You end up tumbling into the pool with a loud splash. There's a few patrons - mostly old ladies and gentlemen along with their Pokemon (ranging from Horsea, Swanna to Snubbull) leisurely swimming around and they don't look impressed with your arrival, giving you dirty looks.

The pool's extremely deep; under water, you see Poliwag swimming closeby with someone's Buizel, before you hastily return to the surface with Raihan; he grins at you as he sweeps his damp hair away from his eyes before he grabs you - and he inadvertently brushes his hand over a ticklish spot - you end up curling into a ball that would put a defense curl to shame and squeak with laughter, trying to get away from him.

Raihan grins and goes after you in the pool; you're splashing loudly in the water and flailing around, swimming away from him until he finally chases you all the way to a quiet corner away from people; it's the section with the jacuzzi, the water bubbling around you and Raihan slips his bare arms around your waist, bringing you close to him.

"Got you." He murmurs, as Poliwag swims beside you both, kicking his little feet in the water before the bubbly water carries his little body up and he bobs around you in a circle. Your face grows red as Raihan leans over and nibbles the shell of your ear, pressing you against the slippery tiles of the pool. "What do you think of everything so far?"

"It's great," You utter with a smile as you drape your arms over his bare shoulders, running your hands over his smooth skin and muscles; he's so close your noses are touching and he nuzzles you affectionately. “This is my first time on the Royal Unova.”

“Mm, then we should do this more often. There's plenty of other vacation spots out there - Hano Grand Resort in Alola, for example."

"Actually, I'd love to go to Melemele Island, or visit Floaroma Meadow."

He chuckles before he leans forwards, his lips finding yours. You kiss him in response and he grins against your mouth, pressing his lips tightly against yours until your ears pick up the sound of pounding music a distant away; when you break apart, you glimpse over his shoulder. "What's up?" He asks, following the direction of your gaze.

"It's kinda noisy over there. Wonder what's going on."

"Wanna check it out?"

"Alright." You mutter, and Raihan leaves the pool before promptly lifting you out.

You grab Poliwag; following the source of the noise, it leads you to an entirely new area - you both peer over the ledge to see a massive pool one deck below filled with tonnes of people cheering and whooping and dancing whilst a DJ and his booth stands at the very end, blasting out heavy dance music with his Loudred and Exploud; there's a few stewards weaving through the crowd carrying champagne glasses.

A sign in the corner says:

Pool Party, Venue - Lower VIP Deck VIP members only **Strictly NO Electric-types allowed** PS. No Magikarps either.

It's not too late to turn back but Raihan's expression lights up at once at the scene and you sigh under your breath. Guess it can't be helped. “...Alright, let's go have a closer look."

Grinning widely, he takes your hand and leads you downstairs towards the lower VIP deck. There's no bouncer and you stray further inside where the music is becoming louder; in fact, it is so loud, it hurts your ears. Poliwag waddles beside you, looking around cautiously and trying not to get his tail stepped on.

Glancing at the pool, you see half of it is separated by a net - there are attractive young men and women playing water volleyball with their Vaporeon and Sharpedo and other water-types, screaming with laughter and cheering wildly. Holy crap, you are so uncomfortable here, being surrounded by so many attractive fit people in their tiny bikinis and shorts. You accidentally glance at a few couples on couches who are making out intensely and fondling each other in intimate areas - and you turn away immediately. There's so many people dancing and drinking booze and you cringe when you realise this is nothing but a gratuitous frat party.

And this is definetely Raihan’s scene.

In fact, he is totally at home here. It's so crowded, you can hardly breathe; almost every space of the deck is occupied by someone or a pokemon. There's barely any room to move around freely and if it wasn't for Raihan holding your hand tightly, you were afraid you would've become lost amongst the crowd. You give his hand a tight squeeze, clinging onto him for dear life but he merely smiles at you reassuringly.

"Do you want a drink?" Raihan asks, gesturing to the bar where a few staff members are busy making cocktails. "I'll get you one."

"Sure."

"What do you fancy?"

You shrug. "Nothing too strong, please. I'll wait for you over there." You gesture to an empty deck chair near the pool.

"Alright." He kisses your knuckles and makes his way towards the direction of the bar. Along the way, you notice a lot of girls ogle him, which makes you highly uncomfortable.

You stand on your own with Poliwag in your arms,  looking rather out of place. Oh well, time to hit the deckchair you mentioned. You head over, but some girl beats you to it and plops herself down on the plushy seat.

"Sorry, this one's taken." She says abruptly.

Fine then. You turn away to find another chair, weaving through the crowd, trying to locate a spare chair until you come across a small table with three seats and one is already taken - although you're not inclined to share, you don't see any other seats available. The person in the other chair is a woman in a white bikini with her sunhat conveniently placed over her face. Though you cannot see her face, you can tell she's attractive - she has a very slim, hourglass figurine with large breasts.

You ask, "Excuse me, are these seats taken?"

You wonder if she's asleep but she raises one sinewy hand and lowers the hat and your eyes widen; it's Raihan's ex-girlfriend. She observes you for a split second and whilst you freeze up all over with shock, she sits up properly and smiles. "No, there's no-one sitting here."

Shit, you should get away from her as quickly as possible. However, your feet are rooted to the spot and ultimately, it's too late to make a hasty exit now. "....Thanks." You end up croaking out, seating yourself down with Poliwag in your lap. He looks eager to jump into the pool, straining and struggling in your grip so you let go of him and he hops onto the floor. "Be careful, Poliwag."

He nods and with a cheerful trill, you watch as Poliwag waddles towards the pool and hastily jumps in, causing a splash which makes some patrons whoop and yell and follow his example, cannonballing into the pool. You're left with the ex-girlfriend.

"What a cute Poliwag," She coos, snapping you out of your thoughts and you turn to her, "Is that an Everstone tied around his tail?"

"Oh, uh, yeah."

"Sorry, could you say that again? I couldn't hear you over the noise."

"...Um, I said, yes, that's an Everstone." You croak out, raising your voice slightly higher so she could hear you. Is she being nice or fake-nice? You cannot tell and it doesn't even matter because you have no intention in getting to know her better or becoming her friend. You find that you can't stop staring at her; she's so pretty and perfect, with her sleek and shiny long hair, sharp features and big, soft eyes and long eyelashes and perky lips. You're feeling like the ugly Ducklett all over again. Ugh, how terrible, how awful.

"He doesn't want to evolve?" She asks curiously and it's then you see various guys a fraction of a distance away, and they're all staring at her, checking her out.

"Yeah."

"Why not?"

"He likes being a Poliwag."

"What level is he?"

"Seventy two. I've had him for a long time." You mentally kick yourself, pondering why you are still conversing and being so civil.

"A level seventy two Poliwag? I've never met a trainer who dedicated so much time in....in..."

"...In training a Poliwag up to level seventy two?"

"Yes," She giggles lightly, eyes creasing with delight. “Sorry, it's just... never mind. Anyway, fancy seeing you here. How are you?" She says, reaching for a champagne glass and lifting it off the table and earnestly, you're surprised she even recognises you.

"I'm fine, thank you." You grunt out.

"Here, have one." She gestures to the spare champagne glass and you stare at the pearly, golden liquid bubbling inside. "It's Champagne Brut Millesime."

"No thanks."

"I saw the news - you saved Chairman Rose along with the gym leaders and Leon." She adds, and a part of you is wondering why she is chatting to you as though you have known each other for a long time and as though you are very good friends. "That was very brave."

"I didn't do much."

She waves her other hand dismissively. "Don't be so modest. Everyone knows what you did - it’s on the news and it’s all over social media. So, what brings you here?"

"We're going to Unova."

"Is Raihan with you?"

You hesitate, then nod. "....Yeah, he is."

She glances around before she spots him at the bar, "Ah, I see." A wide smile appears on her face then. Chuckling to herself, she leans comfortably against the deckchair to stretch and you can't help but stare as she crosses one long leg over the other. Her skin is milky white and perfect, likeporcelain. "I don't think I properly introduced myself back at the party." She tells you her name and how she is a gym trainer at Elesa's gym in Nimbasa City and how she is also a social media model, beauty blogger, travel vlogger and makeup artist. All of these you already know, of course.

"That's crazy. I-I mean...wow." You're not sure what else to say in response to her feats but she seems pleased with your reaction anyway. You tell her that you're a Pokemon Breeder.

"I wanted to work in a daycare too because I love baby pokemon, but I like travelling more and I can't stay in one place for too long." She utters; you're busy looking around as she speaks and you spot a group crowding around a high table and you can see they're snorting berry dust up their noses. "Do you have a social media account? Give me your username and I'll add you."

"Huh? What? Oh...I-I'm not on social media."

"That's a shame." She mutters, looking rather confused, "You know...Raihan and I used to go to these kinds of parties all the time. We always had a good time....and he would always get me anything I wanted. It was really sweet of him. If I asked him to get me something, he used to drop everything and I mean everything, just to do it, just to make me happy. You should do the same too."

You give her an incredulous stare in response as she proceeds to take a sip from her champagne.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to go on like that." She rummages around her side and pulls out two thin cigarettes... or what you thought were cigarettes. "Want one?"

Your eyes grow wide. "Is that..."

"Yeah." She says with a grin, and as she attempts to find a lighter, you start feeling nauseous. "How are you two getting on?"

"We're fine."

Unable to find her lighter, she huffs and says, ”Alright, what do you like about him?”

You wonder why she is asking you this. “Everything. He’s perfect. I love his smile. Oh, and his hugs are the best.” You reply, without thinking too hard.

”Aw, how cute. You know, when he falls in love, he falls, hard. I'm sure you realise that by now," She then says, looking at her polished fingernails, "He was such a little flirt; he went after me like a Lycanroc on steroids. And when we broke up, his heart was crushed. I'm sure of it. I guess it can't be helped. But even then.... he managed to pick himself back up and start all over again....because now he's with you. And it's like I never existed."

You're not quite sure what she's trying to say.

However, now is a good chance to confront her and tell her to leave Raihan alone. He is your boyfriend, not hers. You need to get your message across, to mark your territory and claim what is yours, big time. Go on, tell her to leave Raihan alone.

"Look, I know you've - "

"Remind me again: how did you meet Raihan?"

You don't recall telling her how you met him. You should tell her how you met Raihan at a club and later had hot sex at his hotel room. Wait... maybe not. Some things should not be said and that is definitely one of them. You don't want to tell her anything because quite frankly, you are not obligated to tell her anything.

Before you can reply however, a familiar voice says, "We met at a club and then spent the night in a hotel room."

You turn round with your mouth agape to see Raihan standing behind you; when your eyes meet, he grins widely. "Rai!" You exclaim.

"What?"

"You can't just say these things out loud! People are going to get the wrong idea!"

He chuckles loudly whilst the ex-girlfriend stares silently at the both of you. He's got Poliwag with him and you take your tadpole pokemon off him and into your arms. Raihan then glances at his ex.

"Good to see you." He greets her before he leans down, cupping your chin with his hand and tilting your face up to his level, pressing his lips against yours in a soft kiss. As your heart thumps wildly, he lets go of you and his ex-girlfriend stares at your interaction before she opens her mouth, about to speak. However, Raihan quickly says, "We were about to go. Isn't that right, princess?"

"Yes! Let's go right now." You say hurriedly, although you wonder why Raihan doesn't seem interested in the party any longer.

"Wait." His ex-girlfriend rises from the chair to stand, "Raihan, can I talk to you? Alone?"

There's a short silence; Raihan glimpses between you and his ex-girlfriend, and you and Poliwag blink blankly at him in response. To your dismay, he nods. Planting his hand on your shoulder, he gives you a squeeze and grins at you, "I'll be right back."

Raihan pecks your forehead and promptly leaves your side. You watch as he joins his ex-girlfriend and they disappear through the crowd; you're left on your own and Poliwag slaps you on the arm gently with his tail and makes a loud noise, before using his tail to point at them unwaveringly.

"Follow them?" You utter, and he nods furiously. ".....No, we don't need to. I trust Raihan. Let's just wait for him to come back."

But Poliwag shakes his head and begins waddling towards the direction Raihan and his ex headed off to.

"Poliwag, come back!" Now you have no choice but to go after him, scrambling off the chair to chase after your pokemon.

He's quite small so you have a hard time trying to catch up, occasionally losing sight of your round boy but the telltale signs are his smooth and shiny blue head and tail bobbing around so eventually, you follow him all the way towards the direction of the VIP Observation Deck.

Along the way, you politely excuse yourself as you make your way through the crowd and suddenly, Poliwag stops and you finally reach him; lifting him up and back into your arms. Poliwag points again using his tail and you see Raihan and the ex-girlfriend; they haven't ventured too far at all. You immediately duck and hide behind the nearest pillar you can find before peeping out; you haven't been spotted and luckily, you are within earshot. Unfortunately, you're a bit late so they're in mid-conversation and you thought they were smoking joints together or whatever but they're merely staring at the ocean.

You can hear Raihan saying, "She means a lot to me."

The ex-girlfriend turns to him, placing her hand on his bare arm. "That's not true. You haven't been together for long. She cannot help you, Rai. She's a nobody and she's a stick in the mud. We had so much fun when we were together; remember when we went to Undella Town? Lilycove? The Resort Area in Sinnoh? We did so much together."

He gently removes her arm off him. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because you didn't reply to my messages and I miss you; I saw you at the party and I remembered how much fun we had. Let's go back together. We were meant for each other." She says, "I can call my engagement off; I miss you a lot. I really do. I know you still have feelings for me too - come back to me, please."

She smiles at him wistfully before she attempts to embrace him; however, he stops her, holding her back at arm's length, "You're wrong. And I don't feel the same. You've met a nice man who treats you well. I know you'll be very happy together."

There's a brief silence. She goes silent at the rejection, staring up at him with her large eyes. However, in the span of a second, her expression turns to ice as she glares at him before turning away from him with her nose in the air. "You'll regret this, Raihan," She sneers, "You two won't last long. And when the time comes, don't come crawling back to me because I won't take you back, even if you begged."

"Wasn't planning to." He calls after her as he lets go of her and she stomps away.

Your jaw hits the floor.

Poliwag struggles in your grip and lands on the ground, waddling out. "Poliwag!" You exclaim before you can help yourself, completely blowing your cover in progress as you attempt to grab him.

At the sound of your voice, Raihan turns round and you freeze up at once as he looks at you and Poliwag. You stand up properly as your gazes meet. Poliwag walks up to Raihan, chirping at him cheerfully and Raihan grins, scooping him off the ground and into his arms, holding him high into the air.

"Sorry, Rai, we weren't...I didn't mean to..." You mutter sheepishly as he heads over to you, and you take Poliwag from him.

However, Raihan merely smiles and plops his hand atop your head, "It's fine. She won't message me ever again."

He's chosen you over her, even though she tried to get back with him and you glance at the direction the ex-girlfriend stormed off to. "What you were talking about just there - she can't talk to you like that and just walk away though."

Yep, you're going to march up to her, tell her to stay away from Raihan. He's with you now. You're his girlfriend, not her.

However, he stops you by grabbing your arm gently. "Don't waste your time." He drawls, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you into his chest, enveloping you into a tight hug. You hear him sigh gently before he presses his lips over the top of your head. You close your eyes, encircling your arms around him tightly and he does the same, burying his face into your hair.

”You’re too nice.” You mumble; you don't think that's the last you have seen of her.

“Kill ‘em with kindness. Gets them every time.”

You sigh helplessly in response. Even when people are horrible and mean to him, Raihan just smiles and takes it or shrugs it off. "But I don't want to see you get hurt or get taken advantage of."

"This is the kind of world we live in, princess." He replies, and you lower your gaze to the ground. Raihan chuckles at your response, ruffling your hair before he hugs you tighter and you bury your face into his nape, snuggling into him. “C’mon. Let’s go back to our room.”

You nod; he scoops your hand with his, clutching you firmly and you both make your way towards the direction of the exit. That's enough drama for one day.

...

Finally, you've made it to Castelia City.

It's your first time here and it's way bigger and busier than you had anticipated and the moment you left the ship, you and Raihan spent a few seconds gawking at the grandiose of it all. There is nothing in Galar that remotely resembles this city and hell, you thought Wyndon was pretty big but Castelia takes the cake. Quite frankly, you feel like a little country-bumpkin Morpeko all over again. The horizon is dotted with numerous skyscrapers that stretch so high you have to crane your neck just to look up properly. Blown away by the view, you open up the brochure you took from one of the stands near the ticket kiosk and pull out the map.

"Hm, let's see. Casteliacone shop - nope. Art Museum - nope. Aha! The hospital is somewhere in Mode Street." You mutter, whilst Raihan takes selfies of himself in all manner of poses and from all possible angles. You fold the map back up, slotting it into your bag, "Rai, are you done taking pictures? We need to go."

He puts his phone away, trailing after you; he's occupied with looking at the scenery and sights but stays close. You know he wants to sightsee now that you're here.

Luckily, the ship operates a left luggage service so you leave your suitcases and you can collect them later. You begin your journey to the hospital with your gift card and gift basket in hand, dodging the businessmen and tourists alike who are running up and down the streets in a hurried fashion. And here you thought Kanto's cycling route was bad. This is worse - even though there's not a bike in sight.

You do your best to avoid people by darting left and right but it's inevitable that you end up bumping into a few folk along the way. As you continue down the frantic street with Raihan, you see how manic it is - triathletes run with their Hitmonlee, parasol ladies are walking their Furfrous and Manectrics, a cleaner hoses down windows with his Quagsire team and a small group of construction workers takes up half the sidewalk with Gurdurrs and Hariyamas.  It's so lively here but space is limited, making you feel that you take Galar and the sparse Wild Area for granted.

You could also get a taxi but the street is just two blocks ahead and when you finally arrive, you're panting and you see that the hospital is a standalone building and you and Raihan enter; it's as busy as the streets outside with Chanseys and Blisseys rushing around. Your friend's mother has given you the ward number beforehand so you follow the signs and ride the elevator up, stepping out once you reach the correct floor.

You register at the counter and hurry in, spotting your friend's mother, her Bellsprout and a familiar purple-haired young man standing a bed by the window, conversing quietly. Once they spot you however, they stop discussing and wave to you immediately.

"Leon?" Raihan says, stunned by the Champion's presence here.

"Hey, Raihan." Leon replies, before he greets you also. You greet him in response; it's nice to see that he's not in his Champion gear - he's wearing a plain white sweater with a Charizard on the front, dark blue jeans and white sneakers. A black snapback with a red motif sits atop his fluffy hair.

"What are you doing here?"

"My friend was meant to be introduced to Leon." You quickly explain, though you're surprised to see that Leon actually came to visit.

"Yep, that's right." Leon replies, grinning.

Your friend's mother smiles widely also as you introduce Raihan to her. "Thanks for coming. This means so much to her."

Everyone glances at the bed where your friend is lying still, eyes closed. She looks terrible - her entire right leg is bandaged and hoisted up in the air by a sling attached to the ceiling, and she has a brace around her neck. It hurts you to see her like this; your friend is a good person. Why do bad things happen to good people? You move to join her mother, sitting beside her on the spare chair. "....How is she?"

"She's stable now; she's in a lot better condition than a few days ago and the doctor says she'll make a full recovery."

You breathe a sigh of relief, "What happened?"

"A car hit her when she was crossing the street and drove off. The police are looking into the incident. I called her workplace and they've decided to let her go. They said they can't afford the statutory sick pay because they don't know when she will wake up."

Your nose scrunches up with revulsion. You knew your friend didn't like her work and the company sounded awful, but you didn't realise they'd be this dodgy, either.

She nods gently, sighing under her breath. "...I'm afraid there isn't much we can do. We'll just need to wait for her to wake up, but...never mind, she is better off not working for that dreadful company any longer. I was getting so worried."

"I think so too." You mutter. Maybe it's a sign?

"Anyway, how are you, dear?"

"I'm fine; I brought a gift." You reply, holding up your gift basket and card and as you place it down on the bedside table, you chat with your friend's mother for a brief moment whilst Leon and Raihan talk quietly in one corner.

Unfortunately, you can't afford to stay any longer due to your flight to Johto so you say your goodbyes, your friend's mother thanks you again for taking the time to visit and you wish your friend a speedy recovery. She doesn't budge in any way, completely unresponsive. After the visit's over, you leave the hospital with Raihan; Leon will be staying put in Castelia for a while, which makes you happy considering you thought it was a shame that your friend didn't get to meet him yet he's come to visit.

Hand in hand, you and Raihan make your way towards the direction of the ship where you will collect your suitcases before heading off to the airport.

"I hope your friend gets better." Raihan says, noticing your forlorn expression.

"Me too. Thanks for coming with me." You murmur, "And it's nice of Leon to visit, I didn't think he would."

"Mn, I agree."

"I hope they go together," You add, smiling, "I have a good feeling about them."

...

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 51

~*~Sebastian~*~

I love stupid drinking games. One of the reasons Marvel press is fun is because of the dirt we have on each other from drunken nights and hours of waiting. Both result in otherwise inappropriate questions. This was just an organized version. When Boone said you never had fun with who you were sitting next to, I started counting people between and wrote a dare to make out with the person three people to your right.

Eli went first because it was his invention. Plus, since everyone did the never have I ever and could jump in with the truths, and the point wasn't to win, it didn't matter who went first. Straight in he pulls out, "Never have I ever had a threesome."

Me, Boone, Eli, and Alissa drink. I didn't know about Alissa. Will didn't drink, but he did laugh, "Bunch of whores."

Alissa shrugged, "Everyone experiments."

Kirk looked at her, "Not everyone. About half."

Emma was next, "Last movie that made you cry? Easy A Star is Born. I cried twice during. Sat threw the credits crying. Then absolutely sobbed in my car for another ten. Then went to see it again the next day and cried just as much."

Everyone shared theirs. Mine had been a month ago when ET was on late-night TV.

Alissa got two squares, so she got a question and a dare. Angry sex or makeup sex. Me, Eli, Kirk, Boone, and Emma were in for the angry sex. Alissa had to take off her bra and hang it from a light.

Boone had to share his worst sexual experience. That led to some funny shit. Eli had a woman throw up on his dick. He claimed the tour bus gave her motion sickness. Emma's was a guy who said his own name when he came. Mine was in the back seat of a car, missing a stroke when the cop banged on the window and thinking I’d broke my dick.

Angie pulled, "Never have I ever sent nudes." All of us drank. Will's truth was his virginity story. Kirk's ended in tears, but he wasn’t the one who cried.

I got a double color. Least favorite sex position and why. Sixty-nine because I can’t fully enjoy either and I wind up focusing more on my blow job and do a shitty job taking care of her. Emma's was reverse cowgirl because there's a problem with angle of entry and an unflattering view of her ass.

"There is no unflattering view of your ass." That just popped out.

Angie agreed with Emma, "She's right. Because in reverse cowgirl your ass is going to connect with his body and jiggle. Gravity works much better to smooth things out in doggy style."

Will smiled, "The jiggle is a feature, not a bug. But I do agree with the dangerous angles." All the straight men cringed.

My dare was to switch places with either person beside me, have the next person sit on my lap, with my hand on their inner thigh until my next turn. I ended up feeling up Angie in my lap. If I’d gone the other direction, I’d have Eli in my lap. My way was better.

Kirk read, "Never have I ever had phone sex."

Emma didn't drink, but she did glare at the woman in my lap. I raised an eyebrow, "Opposed or opportunity?"

She smiled as she said, "Opportunity."

I hummed, "You'll be in Georgia and I'll be in Canada next Sunday."

"I know."

"A lot of distance."

I started to say something about getting to be the teacher, but Angie swatted me and pointed a finger at Emma, "Any erection he gets is going to poke me in the ass, so stop what you’re doing."

You get the idea. Conversations about sex, preferences, and dislikes. Some basic shit with movies and music. Some good questions, so not so much. I learned Emma loves lazy morning sex, but not lazy evening sex. She learned I like it when she takes my hand because that's her wanting the contact. Everyone had to answer how many times they had sex in the last week. That wasn't fair. Not because I'm embarrassed by the number, but because it’s a lot to remember. I said, "Seven?"  Emma pointed up. "Eight?" She nodded.

Angie and Alissa exchanged a look, "No wonder her parts we still tingling the day after he left."

Will got a dare to explain in detail his last sexual experience, pick someone else to share, and then everyone had to vote. Wonder who he was going to pick? I prepared myself. Will and Alissa had a perfectly acceptable Thursday night with three position changes. She orgasmed during position two, switching to three to finish him. He told a good story that made his wife blush. He finished and looked at me. What did I say? I knew he’d picked me. Only he didn’t. He pointed to Emma.

Emma threaded her fingers together, turned her hands out, and cracked her knuckles.

What followed was a rather detailed accounting of our shower this morning. The physical part anyway. With just the physical description I realized just how much we talk during sex. I was filling that part in as she wove the story. Specifically, her asking if she should finish me and how her question nearly did. She didn’t share that part and her eyes darting to mine gave me a thrill.

As soon as she stopped talking everyone pointed at her, including Will. He nodded in my direction, “He alludes to a four-letter word starting with “W” and you’re blushing, but not one hint of pink from the erotic shower story?”

She took a sip of her drink, “I don’t like to lose.”

Angie raised her hand, “How did you not fall over? Showers are so slippery.”

Emma stood up and put her foot on the futon, “Tiled bench on the wall and a cut out shelf to hold onto to.”

I saw her put her hand on Eli’s shoulder and covered my face with my hands, “Somebody make her sit down.” I shook my head, “So fucking thankful Angie isn’t in my lap anymore.”

I heard Kirk laugh, “I think she’ll do fine with phone sex, Seb.”

His words got my attention. I dropped my hands, “Oh shit!”

A perfectly innocent question, “What’s your favorite thing about your birthday?”, took a turn. Angie had answered buying her favorite cupcake and two new ones from a bakery close to her school. Emma answered how it was her guilt-free day to be pampered and do whatever she wanted. Will smirked, “Birthday sex.”

Heads nodded with agreement. I shook my head, “Birthday sex means anal.”

Everyone laughed and Will shoved me. Hard.

Alissa crossed her arms over her chest, “Do not even act like that’s the only day you get it.”

Eli snorted, “I never get birthday sex.”

“You’re not getting non-birthday sex tonight either.” Beside me, Angie crossed her arms over her chest too.

I half expected Emma to cross her arms in solidarity.  I was struck with a drunken laughing fit. Others joined in.

Eli was not one of them, “How’s your birthday, Seb?”

“My birthday is in August.” See how I dodged the question.

Kirk started laughing so hard I thought he might piss himself. “Eli never gets birthday sex. Will has bonus birthday sex. I have lots of birthday sex.” He looked at me and pouted, “And poor Seb doesn’t know what he gets for his birthday.” He let out a very loud snort, “Straight people and anal.”

Emma pulled, “Pick a stripper or lap dance song.” I was fascinated by the way her eyes shifted from up and left to up and right and the way she chewed on her lip as she thought. She was thinking hard.

Eli elbowed her, “It’s not that hard of a question, Emeliana.”

She flipped him off, “Don’t Let Go, En Vogue.”

I have no idea what anyone else said. I was too busy finding the song on Spotify and creating a playlist. Will elbowed me. I looked up to see everyone looking at me. “Oh, not doing either. Naked is fine. Naked and dancing . . . nope. Too many body issues for that.”

Eli looked at me strangely, “Damn, if you’ve got body issues the rest of us are fucked.”

Emma smacked the back of his head, “You damn well know that outside and inside don’t necessarily match.”

He rubbed the back of his head, “Sorry. Fuck, that hurt.”

My text alert went off. It was from Will, who was sitting next to me. “Keep her.”

The questions and stories went on. The “game” ended when Eli reached the Candy Castle after skipping a big chunk of the board going through some sort of wormhole involving dots on spaces. I think he made it up.

We all did a celebratory shot and Emma pulled Angie off the couch, dropping down next to me. Alissa squished in between Emma and Will, so when we put our arms around the women, we brushed hands. Us, being us, we held hands for a few minutes. Long enough for Angie to take a picture and text it to Emma and Alissa.

I don’t even know how long we sat talking and sharing laughter. It was a good night. The kind of night you want to remember and never want to end. I would have never imagined a guy who’d dressed me over ten years ago on a TV show would be part of a couple who bridged my world and the world of a woman I met in a grocery store. A woman I adored more every day.

Everyone seemed to decide the party was over at the same time. We shared an Uber with Will and Alissa back over the Williamsburg bridge, dropping us off first. Inside the elevator Emma attacked me. Damn woman lacks self-control. I was going to wait until we got into my apartment. Instead, I found myself trapped in the corner, a hand on the back of my neck and one on my crotch. Sloppy, sloppy kisses were a preview of what was sure to be equally sloppy sex. We zig-zagged down the hall, fell through the door, and started shedding clothes on the way to my bedroom. She pushed me onto the bed and we fought with my jeans, laughing the whole time. Finally, we figured out my shoes had to come off first. I slapped at the nightstand drawer a few times before finding the handle and managed to get the condom on. Emma had much better luck with her shorts. I’d already pulled the drawstring on our way, so I gave her a head start. She straddled my hips and sank down on me.

I groaned loudly, “You feel so fucking good.”

Emma’s fingers pressed into my stomach, “You too.”

I used my thumb on her clit while she rode me. At least, I think I did. I was in the general vicinity. Precision with fine motor skills is one of the first things that go for me. I tried. It felt good, but I wasn’t getting any closer to an orgasm. I held onto her hips and rolled us over. Luckily, it only took two or three strokes to realize I wasn’t inside her anymore. We laughed as I got us back on track. A lot of groping and messy kisses later I pulled out and rolled onto my back. I looked over at her, “This isn’t gonna happen for me.”

She convulsed with a laugh, “Me either.”

While we laughed, I took her hand and held it against my stomach. “I don’t think you’re a real couple until you’ve had a sex failure.”

“And I have no confetti to throw.”  That started us laughing again. “Hey, your dick’s not broken and nobody yelled their own name, well, any name.”

“It could be worse.” I let go of her hand, lifting my arm for her to cuddle up. “Let’s go to sleep and forget this ever happened.”

“Not a chance.” She kissed my chest.

I pulled my head back and glared at her, “I don’t like you anymore.”

Emma kissed me very softly, “Yes, you do.”

I smiled, “Yeah, I do.”

~*~*~

About seven I sprang up in bed finding it hard to breathe. Night terror. Emma was sleeping soundly and I didn’t want to wake her. I picked my underwear off the floor and went to the other room. I sat in my favorite chair, focusing on my breathing to pull myself out of this. The racing heart and hyperventilating had me feeling dizzy and with numb extremities. Middle of the night panic is the worst. If I’m awake I can usually catch it quickly and do what I need to manage. In the middle of the night, I’m a couple of steps behind. Takes a little longer to calm down. When I left the calm place I visualize and opened my eyes I was better. The panic had passed as it always does. It would take a little while for the adrenaline to metabolize. I padded quietly to the bathroom, not wanting her to wake up and see me like this, to brush my teeth and wipe away the sweat. Back to the kitchen, I grabbed the biggest bottle of water I had. My journal was in the office. I swung by for it before heading back to my chair. My rule for this is to just write. Thinking or trying to figure out what was going on never worked. I would look back later, but for right now it was just stream of consciousness.

I heard Emma in the bathroom about an hour later. Putting my journal on the coffee table, I turned in the chair to be able to see her. When I’d gone to the bathroom, I’d moved our discarded clothes to the bedroom. She must have found them because she was in my shirt. Talk about something to put an instant smile on my face. I reached out a hand for her, “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Emma took my hand, letting me lead her to sit on my lap. She pressed her lips to mine before laying her head on my shoulder. “I missed your warmth.”

Kissing her head, I hugged her closer and made an instant decision to tell her. “I’ve been up for a while. Had a night terror. Fucking hate waking up in that panic.” Now, as I say it aloud, I realize even more than the panic, I hate feeling weak and out of control.

Emma lifted her head, her green eyes meeting mine with soft concern. She ran her fingers from my temple, around my ear, down my neck, over my beard, and finally to rest on my chest. “What do you need to take care of you?”

I smiled and kissed her. Fuck. I should have woken her up because the last ten seconds had done more to calm me than everything I’d done in the last hour. “I’m ok. Meditated, water, journaling.” I pointed to my journal.

“Any luck identifying the trigger?”

I shook my head, “Na, just wrote. I see my therapist on Thursday. She’ll tell me.”

She laughed, “Will she? Mine won’t tell me anything.” She imitated a voice I didn’t know, “I’m here to help you find your answers, not give you mine.”

“Good point.” I kissed the bare slope of shoulder not covered by my shirt.

“It’s been years, but I remember the after felt like bugs crawling through my veins. And the shaking.”

I held out my hand, watching the slightest tremor, “Not so bad.” Her fingers laced with mine, steadying more than my hand.

“Why don’t you go for a run and burn it off?”

“Thought about it, but didn’t want you to wake up to a note and think something was wrong. Too much to write out.” The thought of her thinking this had anything to do with her was enough to get my heart racing again.

“If there’s a next time, I’ll know.”

I like that she didn’t automatically tell me she wouldn’t have wondered.

Before I could voice my thought, her hand was on my face and she kissed me, “Seriously, Bastien, go for a run.” She nodded toward the door.

“And leave you here?”

“I will be right here when you get back.”

There’s a comforting thought. “Ok.” A run sounded good. Usually, I’d head to the gym early and hit something cardio and I’d be back to normal before the rest of the guys got there. She stood up and took my spot when I went to put on some clothes. I pulled my running shoes out of the closet and sat on the couch to tie them. “I won’t be too long.”

“Take as long as you need. I’ll shower. Maybe switch around some of your drawers and cabinets.”

“Sounds good, enjoy yourself.  Still want me to show you around today?”

“Absolutely.” She put her hand over her stomach, “You’re going to have to feed me.”

“I can do that.” I kissed her and headed out the door.

I put in my earbuds, cranked up the music, and just ran.

[tentpoletrauma]

Transcript of our A Nightmare of Elm Street (2010) podcast

Unknown Speaker  0:10   Welcome to Tentpole Trauma, the podcast where we look at movies that came with hype and high hopes, but left with crushing disappointment, either critically at the box office are both. freed from the weight of expectations, we seek to examine these underperformers under a new light parsing through the good, the bad and everything in between with the hopes of gaining a better understanding as to why they failed to find their audience.

Unknown Speaker  0:41   Warning, there will be spoilers. So if you haven't seen the movie that we're discussing today, I suggest you stop the podcast and go watch it. Then when you come back and listen, you'll get more out of the discussion. This episode, we examine the 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Unknown Speaker  1:39   When West Cravens A Nightmare on Elm Street was released in 1984. I was a teenager, and though I did not see it in the theater, so my horror obsessed friends did and their reaction to it was nothing short of ecstatic. I caught up in video and saw the next two sequels in the theater. And though Michael Myers was more my slasher soon I was a Freddy Krueger convert. I lost track of the dream demon over my 20s but enjoyed the monster mashup between him and Jason for he's in 2003 Freddy vs. Jason. By the time a remake was announced in the late aughts, I was back into horror in a big way and was ready for more Freddy. And when Jackie Earle Haley, an actor I loved was revealed to be taking over for the iconic Robert England, and that the film was getting a decent budget to realize its fantastical dream sequences, I was hyped. Some months before the release, a friend of mine scored tickets to a preview screening of the movie, which I was only too happy to accept. There had been rumors of a troubled production as video director Samuel bear had never done a feature. But I was still hopeful it would be good. But the film we saw that night was a mess. It's hard for me to remember now 10 years later, what was different in the preview as compared to the official release. But I do remember the original opening scene took place at a high school party, and that the climax featured out of place religious imagery, and that at one point Freddy showed up in monk's robes. It was weird to say the least. When the film was released to the public, I saw it again out of curiosity and thought that improvements had been made, and that the movie had some redeeming qualities overall, but that ultimately it felt inconsequential, and that Jackie Earle Haley fell far short of the great Robert England. critics and fans were far less kind to it than I was another film made a profit it pretty much shut down the Platinum dunes remake machine for good. No sequel was ever announced. And Fred has been absent from our dreams and from movie screens ever since. So what went wrong? That's what we're here to discuss on this episode of Tentpole Trauma, the 2010 remake of the Nightmare on Elm Street.

Unknown Speaker  4:02   All right, I'm Sebastian and I'm here with Jennifer. Hello. And Rodney from the pod forsaken podcast. Hey,

Unknown Speaker  4:10   everyone. Hello,

Unknown Speaker  4:12   Ronnie. Why haven't you called? Have you ever thought of rebranding the podcast to rod forsaken?

Unknown Speaker  4:18   You know, I bring that up to my co hosts every episode before we record. And because there's two of them, they always outvote me. But I I'm with you maybe you want to have a word with them.

Unknown Speaker  4:28   This is why you kill your other hosts.

Unknown Speaker  4:31   Oh, is is that why there were seven hosts here at 10

Unknown Speaker  4:34   years to be more hosts for Tentpole Trauma, but they are gone now. They died in their dreams. Tell us a little bit about your podcast.

Unknown Speaker  4:43   Piper Sagan horror podcast is a horror podcast where we kind of do the opposite. I think of what you guys do. We specifically pick horror movies that most people have never seen or maybe never even heard of. And then we watch them. We tell you about them. We usually do a format where First, the beginning of the episode, we watch the trailer for the movie we're going to do next week, so that you can, you know, you can watch the trailer and decide if this movie is for you. And then, you know, we talked about the movie with no spoilers give you kind of a review, and then we dive in and just spoil the shit out of it. But the whole point is that like, as we were all horror fans, obviously, and after a certain point, you have to start digging deep to find good stuff, right? Like theatrical, hollywood movies kind of start leaving a bad taste in your mouth. And so we started the podcast to help horror fans find the really good shit that's either foreign or like independently made that you might not know about. It's just a passion project that I do with some friends. And we've had a very good response so far. Although no one's probably gonna look me in the eyes and say, I hate your fucking podcast, but you're welcome to.

Unknown Speaker  5:55   Well, I've been meaning to tell you.

Unknown Speaker  5:57   Now is your moment.

Unknown Speaker  5:58   No, no, I love your podcasts. Awesome. Well, that's great. We're talking about the 2010 Nightmare on Elm Street remake directed by Samuel bear. And the reason why I chose it is not because it was a huge financial disaster because it actually wasn't it actually cost about $46 million or something and made three times that worldwide so it's not a financial disaster, but I do believe that it effectively the fan and Critical response for it was pretty much toxic. And it pretty much stopped the whole Platinum dunes remake trend dead in its tracks and there hasn't been any more they didn't do any more. Friday the 13th they didn't do another Texas Chainsaw at all. They shut down Platinum dunes Michael Bay's production horror remake company. So I consider it a you know, Tentpole Trauma because it wrecked the party, so to speak. Let's talk a little bit about your own personal history with the franchise. Jennifer, what what is your history with the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise?

Unknown Speaker  7:11   Well, I saw the first Nightmare on Elm Street, pretty young, I saw a lot of are probably way younger than I should have seen the pattern. But I was just really into it. And I most likely saw it on I know there's no way I didn't know but didn't have a cool enough parents to take me to the theater to see it. But I did probably catch it either on VHS or on, you know, HBO or something like that. Not you know, whenever it became available, but I first you know, heard about it through friends who had seen it older friends, you know, so I already had an idea of who Freddy was. And, you know, like how kids do you know, you're talking it up and then this happens. And he's got knives for fingers and then he says this and so you know, that was all amped up and then I saw it and I liked it. I thought it was scary. And did you see the first film first? Yes, the original Nightmare on Elm Street. You saw that first? Yes, I have the the films of the franchise that I've seen the most are the first and the third. I've seen the dream warriors. That was on TV a lot. And I really I appreciate the first one I love the first one but I probably like especially when I was younger was more into three right? But yeah, that was that was my you know an initial history with the franchise. I it's not my favorite of the horror franchise. I mean, I do like Freddy, but it's not my go to you know, there's, it's for me, it's not as consistent as some other franchises are, as far as like having a number of films that I like to go back to and enjoy. There's some that are kind of tough to get through in this one. In my opinion. Rodney, how about you? How what's your history with the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise?

Unknown Speaker  9:02   Never seen any of them?

Unknown Speaker  9:08   Was I supposed to watch?

Unknown Speaker  9:11   Actually, I wanted to say first of all, thank you guys for having me on. I didn't say that. And I think your show is really great. And it's like I'm really pumped to be here and jazzed to talk about this. I'm we're pumped to have

Unknown Speaker  9:22   you run. Yeah, I can tell from my voice. This is my pumped voice.

Unknown Speaker  9:26   I can tell that you are really jazzed. I'm sort of like we're Jenna's. I, I don't remember what my first one was. I feel like at a sleep over. Someone showed me part three. I had parents who were very lenient. I remember seeing part four by myself in a theater. I think my dad would like take me to the theater. He bought me the ticket. And then like once I went in, he'd like, go to a bar and have a drink and be like, I'll see when it's over. Right? I've never like I like them. But Jen's right. These movies are so all over the map. There are really great ones. And they're ones that are so low that like I, they're barely movies to me. But in general, they have really creative kills. And Freddy Krueger is like one of the most iconic villains of all time. It's just that there's no consistency between the movies. That's my biggest problem, right? Like, I was showing my wife them, and we just skipped over part two. I was like, you don't need part two. It's not canon watch.

Unknown Speaker  10:23   Part two is amazing.

Unknown Speaker  10:24   No, part two is you

Unknown Speaker  10:25   can't get over it. No,

Unknown Speaker  10:27   part two. I did. Part two is amazing. Ronnie, I'm sorry. Wait, I've got it. I can't let you think that I don't enjoy part two. Okay, well, let's not go down the rabbit hole.

Unknown Speaker  10:36   Fair enough. Fair enough. But look, I I enjoy all of the Friday 13th movies. I've seen them all now multiple times. So, uh, I you know, I? I've always been a Jason guy. I hope that's not a problem. But Freddie's probably my number two. No, that's not true. He's my number three. Chucky would be number two.

Unknown Speaker  10:57   I'm a Michael Meyers guy myself, and he has some of the worst movies. So it's not really about who's got the best movies, just Who's your guy? You know, I will say about the nightmare series. What I do appreciate about it is generally speaking, even the terrible ones have a certain amount of imagination. Just the premise in itself is inherently imaginative. And I kind of have to give it to Freddie for that. There's always something even in the most terrible of them. There's always some crazy interesting nightmare scenario that makes either makes me laugh, or I really enjoy. But let's move on to the subject of remakes in general, because this movie was sort of the final nail in the coffin in some ways of the whole remake trend of the 20 Arts, the early aughts. So Jen, what is your feeling on remakes in general? Like, I know, you're a big Texas Chainsaw fan, and you're not a fan of the Platinum dunes, Texas Chainsaw remake, which sort of kicked off this trend. What is your general feeling on remakes?

Unknown Speaker  12:01   Well, with remakes I kind of feel like you know, I love horror. So I'm always gonna give it a shot. And my expectations are pretty low. When I'm when I'm watching these like I have nowhere to go. But up. Texas Chainsaw I'm just so particularly protective of because it's just, there's nothing like the first Texas Chainsaw where you don't really like the franchise you just like the first movie in the second one. I mean, I pretty much do. Yeah, that's that's a fact. I mean, I appreciate I mean three is okay. And I appreciate for for being you know, the weird version that it is. But yeah, that that's not one of my favorite remakes. I did like the Friday the 13th remake. I've seen I've saw that in the theater. And I've seen that several times sense. There's Yeah, I don't know. I mean, there's there's none that are really standing out that I'm like, Oh, this is you know, I've never once been like this was better than the first one.

Unknown Speaker  12:58   Look, there are remakes that I think are really good. I'll point to the ring. And the ring is an excellent remake. Agreed. I actually, I think it comes down to how much do you care about the original film and if you saw it, for example, I've and I know this might get me kicked off. But I've never been a big Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan. Like, I just never I saw it growing up and it never, it never impacted me the way that it impacts a lot of people. So when I saw the Platinum dunes remake, I was like, Hey, this is pretty good, right? Because I have no emotional attachment to it. But when I saw the Friday the 13th one or like the recent Child's Play remake, the Friday 13th one is okay. It's got some cool shit. But like in general, remakes just anger me because they're so clearly a cash grab, right? It's just like, yo, let's just capitalize on this thing. For money sake, when the original thing was actually a thing of passion. And every once in a while the remake is done by someone who is passionate, and you end up with something good, but it's rare. I mean, you point to like, Ocean's 11 as another great example. And that movie is fucking awesome. And that's a remake. But in general, if I see it's a remake, it's probably bad and I don't care.

Unknown Speaker  14:05   I am sort of weirdly optimistic about these things. I feel I'm in a sort of strange position there as a horror fan because I feel most horror fans are not like that. But I get kind of excited with with Texas Chainsaw I was I found I was very skeptical about that one because I feel that the original is such a specific thing that you can't recapture that you can't recapture that in the 2000s you can't recreate the 70s and the grime and just the atmosphere of the time that is so inherent in that film. Were something like Freddy Krueger or Nightmare on Elm Street. As much as I love the West Craven original and I love the West Craven original I like Part Two for its craziness horse. I love dream warriors. I generally think that's probably the most fun of all of them. You know, when when they announced that they were doing the Nightmare on Elm Street remake or reboot or whatever, they were pitching it as I was actually kind of excited at the idea of it because I thought, well, there's an idea that you could do now, it would still be just as relevant now. And with modern special effects, you might be able to really take it somewhere really crazy. So I was game for it. And, you know, I felt that most horror fans were definitely not.

Unknown Speaker  15:31   Yeah, I was I was up for it. I saw it in the theater. It was again, though, the way that I like I said, I approach remakes in general, where I didn't have the the optimism that you did. I was just kind of like, well, let's, you know, let's see what they're gonna do with it. Because I'm just, like I said, happy to get another horror movie. And, you know, it's, I do like, Friday a lot. And I want and I do like, Jackie Earle, Haley. And let's, let's see what's going to happen.

Unknown Speaker  15:59   So Jackie Earle Haley is Freddie was a draw was sort of a draw for you.

Unknown Speaker  16:03   Sort of because because I'm definitely a fan. Like, I like him a lot. I mean, there's several of his films. And he was this is when he was, you know, starting to make a comeback and do more stuff. And yeah, I was I was I was game.

Unknown Speaker  16:18   You know, it's funny. I'm with you, Sebastian. On this one. I was excited. I remember thinking, hey, platinum dunes has pretty much delivered above average contents to me so far, and it was rated R, and hey, they got Jackie Earle Haley, and he's done some great shit. I was jazz. I thought this was going to be a pretty good time, you know? So yeah, I saw that. I think opening weekend Jackie Earle

Unknown Speaker  16:41   Haley was sort of coming off of watchmen at the time playing roar shack, which, you know, has some similarities to Freddy Krueger. So I think people were excited to see him take on the role. If they were excited about it. They were excited to see him take it on because of horshack. And because of the other stuff he had done, he had done little children or something like that before, which had a sort of similar type of icky character in it. So it seemed pretty promising. Now the film is directed by Samuel Bayer. Do you guys know what his claim to fame is?

Unknown Speaker  17:17   Yes, I do now, but only because I looked it up.

Unknown Speaker  17:20   He directed the the Smells Like Teen Spirit video from Nirvana. And he also directed the bee girl video for Blind Melon. So you know, no rain. He's a guy who looked clearly has some visual talent. The weird thing and I remember thinking this at the time is, why isn't he directed any feature film until now, this was his first feature film, as a director, you would have thought coming out of you know, the 90s when Fincher and other guys who were video directors were sort of becoming big directors, you would have thought that this guy would have gotten his shot way before 2010 and Nightmare on Elm Street remake. But this was his first movie, I don't think most people knew that his of his pedigree going in. So I don't think it really made much of a difference to most people. You know, we get our sort of opening scene. You know, the movie sort of starts off I think like most horror movies of the era with a kind of creepy credit sequence where we get some flashes of little kids playing hopscotch and stuff. And then we get our sort of opening sequence, which takes place in the diner. We have the Twilight's Kellan Lutz as this tormented teen, and he sort of wandering around in the kitchen looking, you know, he clearly has gone into sort of a dream sequence and there's like, you know, hog heads and stuff. And we sort of get a glimpse of Rooney Mara as Nancy. Freddy shows up, and he wakes up. And Katie Cassidy, who's playing, I believe her name is Chris, but she's clearly modeled after the Tina character in the original. She was also in the show arrow, she shows up and they have this sort of conversation. He's initially just like, asking for coffee and normal serve them. So he's like being ignored. And you don't know at first, but he's dreaming. But then when he goes back into the kitchen, and it seems like he's in a boiler room, yeah.

Unknown Speaker  19:23   And then the all the gross like, animal heads and stuff, but not good. And then we see the glove swipe Adam, and then he then then we see him wake up, and his hand is cut. And so yeah, you know, it's 100% clear. That's what's going on. He was dreaming. And then he's talking with Chris, and she was also in some other remakes as well. She was in when a stranger calls and the, I think the black Christmas remake to where you see Nancy and she's talking to the guy from Jennifer's body, and there's like that's going on in question. Quintin Kyle gallon I think his name is Yeah. And yeah, so then we were that's all going on and then Dean has passed out again and then we get the him with the steak knife. And yeah, it's I don't know, I thought like, okay, we're starting off good here like this is like, I didn't see that coming Fred shows up and basically makes him stab himself in the neck with a steak knife. Yeah. And I thought that was I thought we were starting off strong.

Unknown Speaker  20:29   Overall, there's something weird about the scene, the way the movie starts. And maybe it's intentional that like, they want you to, they want to throw you off your foot right from the start because you're in a dream. But there's something about that whole opening scene where they just like they're cramming every character in the movie into this one diner. And the, the, the guy who kills himself, Dean, he's doing that thing in horror movies, where like, he can't just put a sentence together to explain what's going on. Right? He's just like, he's a mess. And he's like, Ah, man, don't close. Don't go to sleep, man. Don't you can't sleep. I'm like, explain to her why. And she's like, oh, you're just imagining things and, and like the hogs heads boiling in the in the pots and shit. This is going to be a recurring thing I'm going to talk about which is that the dream sequences in this movie are so lame and unimaginative. And I will give credit that when he stabs himself in the neck. That was awesome. It looks really good. Yeah. I also want to point out, did you guys catch that? I don't think went back because I went back and watch the trailer. This is clearly not the original opening they shot. He does in the trailer.

Unknown Speaker  21:33   Not only am I aware of that, but I saw an advanced screening of this movie. Oh, shit, yes. And it had a completely different opening sequence that this whole diner sequence was a reshoot the original scene that I saw an advanced screening it took place at a party. They were just they were just at a house party.

Unknown Speaker  21:55   That's what you see in the trailer. And so this diner scene feels like a reshoot.

Unknown Speaker  22:00   It totally is. 100%. That explains it. Yeah. So and I agree with what you're saying. It's, it seems like they're like, well, we got to get all the characters set up in the scene. And I think one of the drawbacks of this film, in terms of just its narrative is that it really sort of accelerates everything so that you can tell they're just like, Okay, we got to get the kids set up, you got to know who the kids are. And, you know, they're all having these dreams. And we got to know about the dreams and you know, like by the second scene, we're at a funeral. And now Chris is having more is having another sort of dream was that she sees her little self in front of the, in front of the coffin and for the Fred's glove comes out and slashes are. So you know, we're getting, we're getting thrown right into it. And we're learning about the gang and their dreams. And we're meeting Connie Britton and Clancy Brown as the parents. So yeah, I feel like there's definitely a sort of sweat Enos to the setup of the film where they're like, okay, we just got to get this thing going, like, let's go, let's go, let's go. This

Unknown Speaker  23:05   movie has no chill. That's what it comes down to. It's constantly, it's constantly trying to insist how cool and scary it is in every moment. And therefore it never has any dread. Again, there's, you know, the shooting of the diner scene, like, I like the lighting of it. I thought that was cool. I think

Unknown Speaker  23:21   it looks good.

Unknown Speaker  23:23   Visually, it looks good. Which I would expect from a music video director.

Unknown Speaker  23:26   Absolutely. Right. It's got a slickness to it. That is sort of in line with the Platinum dunes remakes in general. But I do think I think my primary disappointment in a lot of the dream sequences is really that they're just kind of rehashing what happened in the original film. And in some cases, they're doing it way worse. Yeah, like the porn Fred comes out of the wall. It's really underwhelming because it just looks like this CGI blob, peeling off the wall, where in the original Freddie? New notice I'm differentiating between Fred and Freddie. And that's because Jennifer and I own a Fred Krueger, action figure, his name? Krueger, and it's Jackie Earle Haley in his like gardener uniform.

Unknown Speaker  24:17   So you're the one who bought that.

Unknown Speaker  24:19   Yes. We go to Nancy's house and she's chillin with her iPod. She's doing like creepy drawings because she's a, you know, disturbed artist. That's when we get Freddie coming through the wall, which looks terrible. I think it looks so bad. And as I was saying, in the original, the effect is so cheap. It's just some tarp or something covered with paint. And in there, there's somebody pushing through the tarp. But it looks so much better than this CGI nonsense, which I'm sure was a lot more expensive. And just to put it out there. I'm not the you know, practical effects are always He's better guy. I'm just not I I like both things. I love a great practical effect. And I love a well done CGI effect. So I, you know, I'm up for them using state of the art computer imagery to accentuate Freddy and his powers. But this is just terrible. And it really sort of sets a bad taste in your mouth early on,

Unknown Speaker  25:24   right? But it's also like in the original there's like a creepiness the way it's slowly the wall slowly pushes in, right? Yeah. And this one is really like a blob that goes, ah, like as though they're trying to make a jumpscare out of it is the combination of the goofiness of the gras mixed with it's literally like the worst CG I've ever seen. It's tear it's like langdell lirs level in this one moment.

Unknown Speaker  25:45   Yeah, it's it's really bad. Well,

Unknown Speaker  25:47   I think also, it's it's not only is it doesn't look good, it's like it's such a forgettable moment. Whereas in the original it's, it's a memorable moment. Like this is it happens. So like you said, it's like rod happens so fast that it's like, if I would not have made a note of this. I would have forgotten it. Yeah, like that. That's and I've seen this movie multiple times. Now. Why? I don't know. But I have. Yeah, I don't know. I just think it's some it's it's such a blip on the radar. It's like really quick with her. She's like sketching this like Fred blobs out and then cut to where it Chris next where Chris like talking about to her mom about the photos. Like why doesn't she remember being in these photos? Because they had photos at the funeral? And where are more photos? Like I don't know. How do I know? You know, she's she's having the whole issue that she didn't think she met Dean until high school. Yeah. So like, how is she in these high kid photos? And mom's been super cagey about it. Yeah. So yeah, but it feels like that's that's how quickly it happens. Is this like blob with Nancy? Hey, Chris. Chris has questions.

Unknown Speaker  26:57   Yeah, it sort of plays into rod nice. This has no, this movie has no chill.

Unknown Speaker  27:01   There's so many, like, very forced, and sudden jumpscares you know, and like to be like when I was watching it. I genuinely was trying to watch it as though I've never seen A Nightmare on Elm Street film before I was trying to judge it as though it's just a movie called The nightmare killer. Right? And even under those criteria, it's so forced, you know, it's just like, there's so many moments of these just like a sudden CUT TO Freddy Krueger jumping out of the shadows with the loudest Stinger in the world. And then the scene moves on. Again, if I if I had if I use let me talk for an hour, I would just talk about how you shouldn't be allowed to make a horror movie unless you love horror movies. And if I'm sure you've done your research, but apparently Michael Bay offered this movie to Samuel Bayer twice and he turned it down twice. He basically had to convince him What a financial windfall, it would be for him. Right? And I gotta tell you, if you're a director, and someone offers you a smash, imagine someone said you can direct the next Freddy Krueger movie, would you

Unknown Speaker  28:04   say no, I would pop a million boners

Unknown Speaker  28:08   there's no say this. This guy said no. Thank you twice. So this guy doesn't deserve to be directing a Freddy Krueger movie. And that's what you end up getting is a movie that comes from someone who doesn't get what makes Freddy Krueger cool. And what makes movies scary, huh?

Unknown Speaker  28:23   Yeah, I mean, I mostly agree with that. But I do sometimes think we put too much of a premium on filmmakers being fans of things like, oh, if they're not a fan, they shouldn't do it. I don't really care if somebody is a fan of the movie or the property or not. If they can make a good movie, they can make a good movie. I would be more concerned about the fact that Samuel Baird never made a movie in general. Sure, let's add

Unknown Speaker  28:51   that on the pie like

Unknown Speaker  28:52   that. I would be more as from a producing standpoint that would give me pause more. But one thing I think he did a pretty okay job with is a cast. I think the cast is mostly pretty good.

Unknown Speaker  29:05   I like the cast. I like all of the kids. I'm like I said I recognized you know, a couple from other horror movies. And then of course, the like the adults like they've got some heavy hitters. I mean, Connie Britton's, a great actor, and so was Clancy Brown. I mean, those are the the two most recognizable to me. And of course, Jackie Earle, Haley.

Unknown Speaker  29:27   I did miss the drunken mom from the original

Unknown Speaker  29:30   Nancy's drunken mom. Yeah, I know this mom Connie Britton had it way more together. She was way more on top of things. She should have been into pills or

Unknown Speaker  29:37   something. You know, they should have had gotten her into oxy. Just to modernize it.

Unknown Speaker  29:43   Yeah. Missed up missed opportunity. I think

Unknown Speaker  29:46   weirdly, Rooney Mara kind of comes off the worst, which is too bad because she's our Nancy. I feel like the other quote unquote teens do pretty well. I like Kyle gulnur I actually like the actress who plays Chris. I think she does a pretty good job. But Rooney seems a little lost. She seems like she doesn't know what she's supposed to be doing. You know, her characters kind of supposed to be the dark one, I guess, because she does dark drawings. But she works at the diner, and she's kind of got, you know, a little sass to her. So it's kind of hard to get a bead on her. I think, you know, I think she's done some pretty good work over the years. But this, I feel like she seems a little a little lost here.

Unknown Speaker  30:37   You know, I see where you're coming from. I quit the whole time. I couldn't decide how I thought about Rooney Mara, for me. I think overall, she works because like, I believe she's in high school, and she's got a kind of a young face. And I yeah, I don't really know her as a character. But I get that she's like, she's tired and sad. And then she draws sad pictures, right? Yeah. For me. The problem for me, it is Chris. And it's not because of her performance. It's because she looks like she's 45 years old. And I did not believe for one second. She's in high school. Like, literally when she's like talking to her mom, I thought they were like friends, like at wine book club or something. I expected a scene for her to go pick up kids. And I couldn't understand why you would cat like she's clearly like 29 to 32 years old, and she made this movie. And I was like, why can't they just get actual, like 18 year old people to play 18 year old people. Having said that, if you can look past that. Yeah, she's okay. I don't think anyone in this movie is doing what I would call a good job. Everyone's doing a, an okay, job. If I had to give an acting award out. I'd give it to Clinton. I liked his performance the best.

Unknown Speaker  31:43   Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that's fair. But I also think that when you look back at pretty much any horror franchise cast, there are very few where you say, these are all award worthy performances. A lot of times the actors acquit themselves well, but it's not like I felt that these, this was all on par. They were all doing what they were asked to do and doing it. Well, but the big question is, Jackie Earle, Haley. Okay. Oh, boy, we are all pretty excited about Jackie, as Freddy or Fred, as it were. I remember seeing, you know, production stills of his makeup and I was like, Well, okay, I see what they're doing. They're going for like a legit burn victim look here rather than the stylized look of of Robert Anglin. And let's just get it out of the way. You know, Robert, England is iconic is Freddy Krueger, there's, you know, there's no way that anybody's ever going to play this character and not be compared unfavorably to to Robert England. It's his role, but I appreciated Well, they're going sort of a different direction here. They're trying to make it look more realistic. And you know, I did like his little tic where he he rubs his knives together. I thought that was a the one kind of cool thing he did. But I have to say, overall, I was fun kind of let down. One of my big problems is and this is not his fault. But he's a short man. And you can tell he's a short man. And a lot of the scenes, you know, you're, you're like, are we watching leprechaun? Is he? What are we doing leprechaun here? I mean, you know, he's just not a big guy. And it's kind of hard to make this little dude. be super scary. I think he has the attitude. He hasn't. I mean, he I wouldn't say he has the Freddie attitude, but he has an attitude. He has a very scary voice and a scary presence. But overall, I just found his stature and his look to be a little off putting.

Unknown Speaker  34:03   I had high hopes. Because I am such a fan. It's just it's this really, it just doesn't really work for me. Yeah, I

Unknown Speaker  34:12   don't have to apologize.

Unknown Speaker  34:15   I mean, but but I really wanted it to you know, and it's like even the semoran I was like, I don't know, it's just and i think it's it's just because Robert England is so iconic. I just that's who Freddie is to me and I know this is Fred Krueger cuz that's what we're referring to him is in the remake. And you know, I appreciate them trying to do something different and it's not his acting or anything like that. It's just I don't know, it's this the the character looks it just looks he looks strange. It's not scary. It's just it's not even like it's it's hard to look at or off putting or anything like that. It just doesn't I don't know. It just doesn't work for me,

Unknown Speaker  34:59   either. I'm totally with you, Jen. It's just wrong. And, and I am, again, trying to let go of the fact that he can't be Robert England, right? Like, you can't live up to that. So I kind of expected him to do something really different with the roll. And I'm with you, Subash. And the cool thing he does is when he like, rubs his fingers together, and they make that blade sound as like, yeah, that's cool. But that's it. I think the look of him. He looks stupid. Like, it's like, he's got these weird like, kind of buck teeth that make them look kind of dorky, right? And I know they're going for like a burn look, but like, he doesn't look disgusting. And he looks kind of gross, but he's not scary looking. And on top of that, what they do with his voice is like, he never sounds like he's in the scene. All of his his his dialogue has been recorded in ADR? Yes. And it's just like, it's like floating digitally on top of the scene. Yes. So it, I know that that's a choice to like, make it cool and creepy. But the whole time I was sitting there, I was like, why does this not work? Like, why is this not cool? And I was like, I don't know. He's just, he's just not cool. He's like, slow moving. His lines aren't very good. His delivery isn't really good. bad job, bad job. I was gonna say maybe you shouldn't hire famous actors. I'd rather just have no buddies playing my monsters. I remember reading a little bit about the production. And I think that the reason why his lines are so heavily ADR is because they rewrote a lot of his dialogue. They weren't happy with whatever the initial stuff was. And so they just kind of kept redoing it in post. And I feel like you can kind of hear a little bit of annoyance in Jackie Earle Haley, his voice, like, I've got to know, what's this line?

Unknown Speaker  36:48   Yeah, his lines are weird. Like, they're trying to be funny. But they're not really funny, cuz they're in this really tough, tough position of trying to live up to Robert, England's sort of famous one lines and taunting. You know, I think the only one I really liked is when he says like, Why are you screaming? I haven't even cut you yet. That one I'm like, yeah, that's pretty good. You know, but you know, he, you know, most of them are kind of creepy in a bad way. They play up the sirt, the child molester angle of the character that was only really hinted at and wisely. So I believe in the original. And so, you know, his lines are sort of coming from this perverted place a lot of the time, and I really don't think that helps sell the lovability of

Unknown Speaker  37:43   Freddie. That's kind of like what's I think doesn't sit well, for myself and sounds like you and probably Rodney as well as it's like, because we just knew him, you know, originally as a child murderer, and which is implied, you know, we don't there wasn't just killing there was probably other things that were going on that were terrible as well. However, now, it's all about the yuck stuff. And it's like, that's just that can't be funny. You can't have like, one liners and like be like creepy like that. And it's like, you just don't know what to do with that more. yuck, yuck.

Unknown Speaker  38:19   And less yuck, I think is the problem.

Unknown Speaker  38:23   You know what I think it is? Original Freddy Krueger, he there's a certain gleeful pneus to the fact that he gets to kill people in dreams. Even in the first movie where he has very few lines. You can tell he enjoys what he's doing. But this version is more like a suffering burn victim who's like condemned to this hellish fate. And he's, you know, he wants revenge, but it doesn't seem like he really loves being the dream Master, if you will, or whatever I know. He's not the remaster is actually that other girl but whatever, you know, I mean, yeah, yeah. And that's not even touching all the child molesters stuff, which I assume we're gonna go into more depth. Because that's like a major change. We're we'll

Unknown Speaker  39:01   save that for the last act because that's when it really comes into play. But I feel that it's in there even in these you know, opening sequences. He sort of leaning into this being creepy in a weird sort of subtly sexual way.

Unknown Speaker  39:17   Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  39:18   I did kind of think just because it's so weird. We moved into the second act. We have Chris, she you know, she's kind of freaking out. She's sort of learning about this past the shared past that they all have in this preschool. And you know, she really knew all these her friends, but they didn't. They don't remember each other. And there's this sort of dream sequence where she goes out and she's like, cheers her dog barking which the dog it was a really cute dog, but she goes out and the dog is Rufus. Yes. And but Rufus is dead. Fred has killed Rufus only in the dream, I think. I don't think Rufus is dead in real life unless Rufus was dreaming and He killed Rufus and Rufus his dream, in which case they should have definitely have had a dog dream. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  40:05   I wanted to see the dog dream go into a nightmare like the dog running around the boiler room chasing bones that keep running away from him.

Unknown Speaker  40:13   I have a bone to pick with the boiler room, but let me get there in a second. I did kind of like it in an ironic way when she goes out to find Rufus and Rufus is dead and Fred's like, I was just petting him with his claws, I was like, you know, for this movie, that was a pretty good line. But really, you know, a lot of these things that happen in this second act build up are just sort of replays of what happened in the original

Unknown Speaker  40:44   one thing I think that was different was I don't recall I don't think I've seen the first one a million times I don't think that Broadcom to Nancy's house in the first one. Like is the guy Jesse? I don't think so. I mean, I only remember Glenn coming to her bedroom window.

Unknown Speaker  41:03   No, I don't think he does.

Unknown Speaker  41:05   I don't think so either. So that was something that was a little different as we get Jesse like stopping off at Nancy's right, like it covered in blood and all of that

Unknown Speaker  41:13   the suit only comes in through bedroom windows, he doesn't

Unknown Speaker  41:16   know what front doors are for. Not at all, just all about the windows. And one

Unknown Speaker  41:20   thing I want to say about the Chris murder scene is in the original, it was done with the old revolving room trick. And you see her kind of climbing the walls, because they've shot it with a stationary camera. But with a room that goes around in this, it's very clearly, they probably have a set with no real ceiling and they've got her on wires. And they're like throwing around the room and wires and then digitally erasing the wires in the ceiling and stuff and it's not bad looking. It looks it looks fine. But when you compare it to the ingenuity of the original, it once again comes up short

Unknown Speaker  42:01   you're spot on like it again, the the original is so much like it's so cool the way that original scene is shot. And this one she's flying around, and it's just not as powerful because it's not shot from the perspective of the guy on the floor. Her death is cool when she gets like split down the middle and blood wells up like it. It's a violent scene and I was like okay, yeah, but can we just briefly talk about how much time we spend with Chris as like the main character like yeah, we're on Chris for I didn't time it but it felt like 30 minutes before we actually like I know you we meet Rooney Mara, but it basically it tries to do the psycho thing where it's like, this blonde girl is the main character, but gotcha. And I'm like, but Ivor I know Rooney's the main character's name is Nancy, why are we wasting all this time?

Unknown Speaker  42:48   Yeah. Well, you know, I guess they're trying to fake out the younger crowd who is not familiar with the original, totally fair. But as somebody who is a fan of the series, it does sort of feel like they're being weirdly too slavish to the original, at least in that first half of the second act. Now, as the second act goes on, we, you know, we get things that are sort of new additions to the story, in the whole preschool backstory is not in the original, they have a vague sort of implication of stuff like that, and the original, but they really lean into it here. I don't mind that. I think it's, you know, it's I'm just glad that they're doing something kind of different, at least at that point.

Unknown Speaker  43:36   I will say that, out of all the things they could have named the preschool, they call it the bad ham squad. And I was like, Yeah, I know. It says bad, but that's bad ham. Yeah. Which is a really weird name. The name did anything. But the one the one thing I will give this movie some credit for, I mean, there's a couple others, but the fact that they all knew each other when they were kids, and they all went to the same school and interacted with Fred Krueger when he was alive. It makes more sense why the parents would be dismissive of their their nightmares, right? because they'd say your, your they would think you're having traumatic nightmares of that guy that molested you. That makes sense to me. As opposed to in the other vert in the original where it's like, That's funny. My daughter's dreaming of that man I murdered that she never met. Right? Yeah. So I and I do like the the idea of like, Rooney or Chris, whoever you want to say discovers it that like finding out that they're all connected and finding the photograph, and I do give credit for that because it does create like a breadcrumb trail for her to follow. Yeah, I didn't mind it at all.

Unknown Speaker  44:43   I actually also wanted to bring up there was something that I had forgotten about, and that I saw on this watch, which takes us to the bad ham school. It was that you know, Nancy's in the tub, and you know, you see Freddie's glove. Come on. But I'm like, and I was like, here we go, you know, we're just going to do what we did with that before. And they did a little differently, which I appreciated that. And also, they brought some technology into it because she had a cell phone alarm to wake her up now, which that wasn't available

Unknown Speaker  45:18   cell phones, which felt really outdated. Now they like they're super outdated 2010.

Unknown Speaker  45:24   Man, when I see outdated cell phones and movies.

Unknown Speaker  45:29   Those phones are so old.

Unknown Speaker  45:33   Anyway. Yeah. But yeah, I appreciated the addition of the school and that that whole thing, because I really did like that from the original as well, like in which they didn't go in as deep. But you know, just that it's a creepy, the creepy concept. So then after that,

Unknown Speaker  45:51   after that whole scene, like Quentin, basically, she wakes up in the tub, and Clinton calls and tells her Jesse is dead. Then we get this pre reg requisite scene and every horror movie where Quentin is researching. He's running low on his pharmaceutical speed, but he's researching on gigablast. All about dreams and stuff at the like coffee shop library. He and Nancy gigablast. The batum preschool. You know, how is fat ham? Bad? I mean, I'm like, maybe it's a reference to john batum, the director of Saturday Night Fever and the 1979 Dracula, but that's probably a stretch. And you know that I believe this is when they set up the idea of micro naps where you can you can just be so sort of fall asleep just for a few seconds. I have a feeling we might have saw an argument about this. So I'm excited. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  46:56   I feel it's growing.

Unknown Speaker  46:59   I feel the opposite of whatever you I

Unknown Speaker  47:02   kind of like the micro naps idea. What do you think about that? Rodney? Do you like my

Unknown Speaker  47:11   fuck micro naps, bro.

Unknown Speaker  47:13   I think this is the dumbest mugging thing in the entire movie. And from this point forward, it becomes such a laughingstock of a film because of the introduction of this concept. I I literally hate it. I it basically is an excuse to have non stop jumpscares from this point forward. Yeah, I do like them?

Unknown Speaker  47:36   Well, first of all, it ups the stakes a little bit. Because you know, we're not just waiting for them to get tired and fall asleep. Now things can kind of happen at the at like any moment. And at one point there, they're back at the high school, I think. And that's when we get Nancy seeing the Chris character in the body bag, which is another visual reference to something that happens and the original one, again, not done as well. I totally agree with you. And you definitely are right, that now they've got licensed to throw jumpscares at you at a dizzying pace. So I'll give you that, that that is a noxious byproduct of the micro naps. But I do think that there's some fun to be had with them. And it allows things to happen, like, you know, one character to walk down a hallway and see, you know, scary vision and, and whatever. And it also allows for Quentin to have a micro nap. As he's at his swim meet. I really appreciated how pasty or Kyle Kyle gulnar or whatever it was, he's like really pasty. And you can tell that he's probably doesn't swim. And he's looking really uncomfortable in his little Speedo suit. But you know, he has a micro nap. And he wakes up in like a pool in a warehouse district. Like he just wakes up in this pool. And it's like outside. I mean, I guess it's a dream, so whatever. But then we're sort of treated to the origin quote, unquote, of Fred, where the parents are chasing him into this warehouse room, and they throw Molotov cocktails in the room and burn him alive. And as he's burning alive, he rips off his jacket to expose the striped sweater. Which I felt was it was a real forced reveal of the sweater.

Unknown Speaker  49:44   I'm like, bro, I've been watching your movie for an hour. I already know what his sweater looks like. This is not a reveal. Obviously that's the bad guy. Wait, I need to park on this moment real quick because I know you want to talk about the origin but that swim meets is the worst scene I've seen in almost any horror movie and it The scene I referenced whenever I talk about this to anyone the guy falls asleep while swimming. He's in the middle of a swim meet and he falls asleep. Someone wrote that and they like put it in a movie. It makes no sense, guys, come on. It's

Unknown Speaker  50:16   it's a micro nap right

Unknown Speaker  50:18   now, he's he just nodded off for a second in the middle of swimming.

Unknown Speaker  50:24   That's how powerful they are.

Unknown Speaker  50:26   You know what I'm gonna stay awake for three days straight just to see I want to see if I can fall asleep while I'm making a sandwich and then just wake up with the sandwich in my mouth. That's actually way more believable than swimming. All right, I've said my piece about this.

Unknown Speaker  50:38   But you guys we didn't we we forgot to talk about this is right before we get into the how Fred was burned with the Molotov cocktails or whatever. We did have that flashback. And I think we would we have to take a moment for this. Where we get to see Fred Krueger as a gardener. Mm hmm. Yeah, he's not. He's not burned. No, Lacy's looks very, very nice. And I got it. He's got like a kind of a strange Southern accent. And he's he's, you know, living in the basement of the preschool. Yes.

Unknown Speaker  51:13   Nothing, nothing weird about that. I mean, you know,

Unknown Speaker  51:16   be there.

Unknown Speaker  51:18   And just the gardener. He lived in the basement of the preschool. And boy, he loved you kids.

Unknown Speaker  51:24   Kids were his life. And we see him just so happy with all the kids.

Unknown Speaker  51:29   You have a job get an apartment. Why are you living in the basement of the school? And how come everyone is okay with this?

Unknown Speaker  51:34   Right? Like, how why were any parents okay with sending their kids to a school where the weirdo gardener lives in the basement? And it's okay. And he he like, it's okay that they go down there and do like art projects with him or

Unknown Speaker  51:50   whatever. Honey, did you fill out that application for the bad ham school? You know, they have their own on premises gardener slash caretakers slash kid blodger. babysitter?

Unknown Speaker  52:04   Yeah. So yeah, it seems a little seems like, you know, Fred got caught doing some stuff. So so they burn him alive. There's a really sort of bad moment where he runs out of the burning building, and he's on fire. But here's, here's my real problem with all of this is, throughout this movie, both before and after this scene, we get boiler room imagery. There's no friggin boiler room in any of this origin. Like he's not in a boiler room. Is he supposed to be in a boiler room and they burn them all? I mean, in the original movie, they burn him alive in a boiler room. And that's why the boiler room is sort of his primary dream, hunting ground. Like that's why he's always drawing people into the boiler room is because that's where he died. This isn't a boiler room. It's like some sort of like relay room. There's like, it's not a boiler room. And this always really bugged me about the movie, like why does he bring children? Why does he bring these teenagers into his dream boiler room, he didn't die in one

Unknown Speaker  53:09   because when he was alive, he always wanted a boiler.

Unknown Speaker  53:15   Like one day, I'm gonna move out of this preschool basement, the boiler room and My dream is

Unknown Speaker  53:21   to a suite boiler room.

Unknown Speaker  53:24   And your parents denied me that I'm gonna kill you all.

Unknown Speaker  53:29   You're totally right, it I it makes no sense in this movie, because because the answer to your question anytime you have a question, it's because that's what happened in the original right, I'll just do it again. But I come back to the point that the director doesn't actually like the movie. So he doesn't care about answering these things with any detail.

Unknown Speaker  53:47   Yeah, it really even when I first saw the movie, and I think I was a lot more forgiving on the movie than probably either view and move upon my first view. Well, no, actually, no, my first viewing I was not forgiving of it because I saw a test screening and it was pretty much resoundingly terrible. And we all gave it terrible marks. But then I saw it again, when it came out, however many months later, and I was like, Well, okay, they kind of improved it like, this is better, you know, good. I'm glad you took my notes.

Unknown Speaker  54:15   If I've learned anything from your from your podcast, it's that instead of just watching good movies, if I just watch the bad ones over and over, I'll start to like them.

Unknown Speaker  54:23   Yeah, I call it force feeding Rodney.

Unknown Speaker  54:27   Yeah, I've seen the Wolf Man 42 times now it's pretty good.

Unknown Speaker  54:32   It's It is hard in this movie. I'll give you that. We then we move on to Nancy watching a video blog because those were pretty hip back then. 2010 we get the Asian actor from the Friday the 13th remake I don't remember his name so I'm sorry.

Unknown Speaker  54:49   it's um it's it's an it well, I don't know what is his name in the I wrote down his name was Martin neon. I think that was his character names character that is Yeah. I don't know what his real name is off the top of my

Unknown Speaker  55:02   head. Anyway, he's in the Friday the 13th remake his main characters, and he's pretty good in that. You know?

Unknown Speaker  55:08   Yeah. No, he's He's good. He's like, kind of this kind of a stoner in that, right? Yes.

Unknown Speaker  55:13   Yeah, I think he's the dude, he gets the screwdriver. And

Unknown Speaker  55:16   here, he just talks into the screen. And then he's, you know, talking about how he can't sleep. And now he's being tormented by Friday. And then he like, smashes his head against the screen. So it's basically a snuff blog, because we are going to assume he's dead after that. And then we sort of get this, you know, Clinton comes back from his dream and he confronts Clancy Brown, who's his father, who is he a guidance counselor, he, he's a teacher at the school, but they never make it clear. There's

Unknown Speaker  55:49   I thought there was a line about him being the guidance counselor.

Unknown Speaker  55:52   That's what I thought, too. That was the only thing I could grasp on to for all i know, he was the principal, I'd have no idea. He and in Nancy confront dad about killing Fred. He says they might have made it up. This is also a frustrating moment in the movie, because at that point, I'm like, Oh, that's a good twist. Like they did it just didn't even happen. Like he was a he was a falsely accused. I feel like if they had gone in that direction, and I'm sure there is a draft of the script, where they did go in that direction, and then they chickened out. But I feel like that was a potentially a good twist that Freddy could have Fred could have been innocent.

Unknown Speaker  56:36   Even though I've seen this before. I'd forgotten that until when it popped up this time. And I was like, Oh, yeah, they're doing a whole like the McMartin trial, you know, type thing that what was that the preschool where you know, that the owners were accused of something? Yeah. Like, they were doing that the satanic panic stuff or whatever. Yeah. Which was all bullshit. So I yeah, I was like, oh, they're gonna do this now because that was the, you know, Quintin and Nancy were, you know, saying to Clancy Brown, we were just kids, we could have said anything, why didn't you go to the police? And I thought, okay, yeah, let's let's get this makes it even better that, you know, he wasn't a creep. Like he was unjustly murdered by the mob.

Unknown Speaker  57:17   Well, and it gives gives Fred a real reason to come after them, which I'd never really felt that he had even in the original film. He's like, why is he it never really made total sense to me. Why Fred is after the kids. And I felt like this cuz

Unknown Speaker  57:34   he's like, you guys totally stop my murder spree. And I'm pissed. So I'm gonna kill your kids. Like,

Unknown Speaker  57:41   I guess that's as good of a reason as any to come back from the dead.

Unknown Speaker  57:46   That's enough. That's sometimes that's all you need.

Unknown Speaker  57:48   Well, I yeah, I just think it would have been a nice layer two, you might have actually sympathized with Fred at that point that you know, when he's coming back for vengeance, because they really screwed him over. But they back out of that the climax, which is kind of lame. Okay, so now, here's where we're going to resume our fight about the micro naps because quainton has run out of his pharmaceutical speed. So they go to the pharmacy. And so that we had get this whole sort of set piece that takes place in the pharmacy where Quentin's trying to get his drugs, the pharmacist isn't going to let him have his drugs, Nancy's having micro naps in the car, and she burned, you know, she's got to burn herself with the car lighter, to stay awake. And then she goes into the pharmacy. And I think this is the best scene in the movie, for one reason, because it's not doing anything that was done in the original and doing it poorly. Because I think it's really cool despite the presence of the boiler room. I think it's really cool when she's sort of toggling in between. As Fred's coming down the the aisle and he's swiping in the dream and stuffs falling off the aisles shelves as he swiping. I feel like they really use the micro nap idea really effectively there to make a cool scene. Something we haven't seen before and A Nightmare on Elm Street film Rodney Tell me why I'm wrong.

Unknown Speaker  59:17   Because the scenes not really that good, because like, I like that she's attacked at the drugstore. But first of all, she knows she's being hunted by this like, vicious dream killer, but she keeps refusing any kind of drugs that will keep her awake, which is really weird. And then on top of that, he's like, I'm gonna go into the well lit drugstore. Do you want to come with me? She's like, now I'll just sit in the quiet dark car where I totally won't fall asleep. So it's already not making sense. But it also is when she gets attacked. Oh my god, how you know, like, it's the it's the way the editing is right? It's again, it's that opposite of being subtle. It's it's like cutting back and forth between the reality and the dream. Yeah, it's quality swipes and like knock some shit off the shelf. It's just like i don't know i think that i think the movie is so mediocre up to this point that you're just happy that Freddy Krueger slash nadder Are you

Unknown Speaker  1:00:10   saying me personally? Are you saying yes you know I honestly I honestly think there's some like clever filmmaking there I think it's a clever conceit it just i think it's it's got a level of ingenuity to it that I appreciate and so desperately craving in this movie.

Unknown Speaker  1:00:31   Well actually, I think I said to you when we were watching this I was like, Oh, I this is this is like the one thing that I remember from watching this before is because I remember the the scene I remember with the with the cigarette lighter in the car and everything. And I do also I have to tell you Rodney I was frustrated as hell the entire time with her not partaking in some sort of drugs of some sort. Because Yeah, thank you. Come on. Like Yeah, no that that was frustrating for me as well cuz I'm just like, I you know, I don't know what your deal is as to why you won't do this. And I trust me I get it. I come from a place of that as well. But we're dealing with Fred and micro naps. Well at least Nancy in the original she's like popping like no sleep or whatever like yeah

Unknown Speaker  1:01:17   oh don't know dose or whatever. All it's not on Naka. Nagas. Yes. Funny. Yeah, but I forget what it's called, like, no sleep or can't

Unknown Speaker  1:01:27   sleep. Yeah. Or something. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  1:01:28   So yeah, she should least be doing like five hour energy drinks like crazy or whatever. Isn't that what the kids like to do? Get all hopped up on those, like snort Red Bull. Yeah, they should have done that.

Unknown Speaker  1:01:41   You forgot to mention important thing, which is that they tell you if you if you if you don't sleep for like 70 hours, you'll go into a coma that lasts forever. And then that's important later,

Unknown Speaker  1:01:52   I totally forgot that I that's one of those things that is just glossed over me even though I've seen this movie more times than any human being should be legally allowed to see it. But it does come back later. But I did not read forever register that they set that up in there. It's

Unknown Speaker  1:02:09   like when they're doing all their research, right? Okay, when they're using when they're using gigablast.

Unknown Speaker  1:02:14   I was just so hyped up on gigablast and micro naps that I just went right over my head.

Unknown Speaker  1:02:19   I kind of want to do like a comprehensive listing of fake search engines for movies and like what's the best what's the what's the champion? It might be gigabit and

Unknown Speaker  1:02:28   then start it like may do it as a start up and beat Google become masters of the universe.

Unknown Speaker  1:02:34   To be fair, I don't want to shit all over this drugstore scene. I'm going to go back after this and just rewatch that part because like maybe it's maybe I'm being a little harsh on it. You both seem pretty, pretty excited. And there are parts in the movie that are cool. Maybe this is one of them. So I'll I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Even though I watched it last night and can't remember it. I appreciate

Unknown Speaker  1:02:52   that you're giving this movie any props at all, because I expected this to be a bloodbath. Or now we're down to our final two Quinten and Nancy, she gets cut and they so they go to the hospital. And did you did you recognize the nurse from the hospital do Did either of you recognize who this is?

Unknown Speaker  1:03:10   I had that moment of like she looks familiar, but no idea. She

Unknown Speaker  1:03:13   is the actress who played the original April O'Neil in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie that Oh, yeah, she was the original April how exciting. I wasn't, I wasn't a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles guy. But I did put those together. They go back to give Nancy pain meds because the mom signs as Connie Britton signs off on it. Right and let me ask you this, What is she saying? She's like signing her over to like a mental institution or something? Or is it just to give her pain meds?

Unknown Speaker  1:03:47   It didn't seem like that, because like, they kind of do like a long shot on the document that she's signing. And I was looking at it and I'm like, it just I don't know. I mean, if that's what they were implying is like we're going to let you commit her something right? It said, I hereby swear that I did not burn a man alive for molesting my daughter

Unknown Speaker  1:04:07   20 years ago.

Unknown Speaker  1:04:10   No, it is the top something like permission to administer medical care. Yeah, I assume it's basically like I hereby give permission for you to like forcibly inject my daughter with sleeping meds

Unknown Speaker  1:04:20   right which Why do we need to have a shot of the document there? It's so they put emphasis on the document which was strange because if that's all it is, then who cares? We don't need to see this document. But then we get the moment where former April O'Neil goes to injector and she lifts up her hand and knows she's got the Freddie claw. Which

Unknown Speaker  1:04:40   micro nap

Unknown Speaker  1:04:42   Yeah, we'll see good use of micro nap there. You don't get that without a micro nap. No serie Bob.

Unknown Speaker  1:04:49   Yeah, Quinten like, grab some adrenaline out of a drawer. And like, dude, I watched this movie like 24 hours ago, and I don't remember what happens. They like yeah, they run in the car. And he's like, no, they

Unknown Speaker  1:04:58   just didn't even show them right Now that just shows them in the car when they come back to the room Nancy's gone CUT TO they're in the car and Winton's busting out the adrenaline to shoot it up, right. Like we don't even know how they get out.

Unknown Speaker  1:05:09   It's one of those like, I don't worry about it. There's we just need to get to the next scene. They get away. Okay, yeah. Yeah. So he quit and juices up in the leg up. And of course, I mean, you guys picked up right? His name is Quentin Quentin Tarantino. Epic shot. I don't understand the reference. There's a director named Quentin Tarantino who directed some pretty famous films over the last 25 years or so. And one of them featured very prominently in adrenaline adrenaline shot sequence, you should check it out. It's called Pulp Fiction. It's pretty good.

Unknown Speaker  1:05:45   Oh, interesting. Oh, yeah. I'll put on the list. Thank you.

Unknown Speaker  1:05:47   Yeah, yeah. So Clinton shoots up in his leg. They have their sort of tender moment where they're driving to the abandoned preschool in Quint Nasser out on a real date. And I liked this line, she sort of puts him off and he says, Well, why don't you sleep on it? And I was like, Alright, clever writing there. But then Fred shows up because they micro nap, I guess for a second and then they drive off the road. They've got to walk the rest of the way to the school.

Unknown Speaker  1:06:17   How did Quinten micro nap after he just shot himself up with adrenaline? Like, yeah, that was my one thing was I was like, I mean, maybe he's just that tired. I don't know. I mean, I'm not going to nitpick things. But I really, that was my honest thought was like, didn't he just take this adrenaline?

Unknown Speaker  1:06:34   Yeah, I'm gonna nitpick too, because the same thing happens when she burns herself with a lighter, like, your arm would hurt so bad that the whole point of doing it is so you can stay awake for like maybe 20 more minutes. So why go through all this? Like they get adrenaline in the injection his leg? If it doesn't have a purpose,

Unknown Speaker  1:06:49   fair enough. I think they're just trying to sort of set things up and then do reversals and then set things up. You know, I get it. It's definitely doesn't make total sense. But I also see they're trying to keep you engaged, like with things so but yeah, it doesn't really make sense. What also doesn't make sense is that this creepy fucking school is not been turned into like Kultury condos or something. It's still there. With the paint peeling off the wall and like creepy kid artwork all over the wall. You know, look, it's a horror movie. We need to have our climax take place in someplace creepy. You know, they set it up that this preschool was the place of you know, where all these terrible things happened, but it's sort of ridiculously art directed in that way that would never happen in real life. And then they find Fred's molesting cave, like they find his bedroom first, which still has his bed in it.

Unknown Speaker  1:07:48   Here's the thing that I don't understand, right? Because they make a big point about how they never went to the cops. And they just like, assumed he was molesting their kids. So the implication is that this place was closed down because you know of what Fred Krueger did. But from the perspective of reality, Fred Krueger just disappeared one day didn't come to work. So wouldn't have done the maintenance crew go downstairs and they like his like, his knife glove is still sitting on the table. Right? Right. It. It's literally like they're like, how can we run this place without good old Fred Krueger doing the lawn, close it down, just close it down? Shelly, they locked the front door and left,

Unknown Speaker  1:08:27   right, one of one of two things would have happened. One, people would have found out about these horrible things, and they would have torn the place down. or two, no one would have found out about these things. And they would have just kept the place running and turned his bedroom into another classroom or you know, it would still be a school. What wouldn't? It doesn't make sense that now it's the haunted town haunted house or whatever. It's not the Michael Meyers house, you know, I mean, it's like it shouldn't. That doesn't make sense. Because you're right, they don't go to the cops. So nobody should know that this was a horrible place.

Unknown Speaker  1:09:02   But I'll just assume that like they didn't pay their county taxes on time. And so the county just kicked them all out and chained it up.

Unknown Speaker  1:09:08   So they, they they find his bedroom, which still has his gross bed in it, which will actually come into play later. And then they find his creepy molesting cave, which is sort of another room in there. You know, and and just to put it out there, you know, we're making light a lot of this but we do are not making light of, you know, child abuse in any way. This is what makes the movie. I think, ultimately, no fun. I mean, I can deal with this in a horror movie context, if we're talking about something that's, you know, really hard and serious or whatever, but we're trying to have fun here with the thing about Freddy Krueger is that there's a fun element to him. And when you introduce this into it, like the fun is gone. Now he's just a disgusting creep, and I'm not on his side in any way, the way that you are with your favorite horror franchise characters where, you know, you secretly are on Jason's side and you're secretly with me at this point, you're just not on his side. And I think this is truly the tragic flaw of this film.

Unknown Speaker  1:10:16   I 100% had that same feeling and this is also your, your so you're possibly on his side, because only of what was mentioned earlier or alluded to that this was like, the kids had lied about it, right? Yeah. So then, like, at that point, you're like, fuck him up Friday. Like, you know, these kids lied like you were you were wrongly murdered by this mob. And then now, here's the like, the pitchers yuck, that are you know, he, he didn't do it. Like he's after them. Like the lion Clinton says, it's like, he's not after us. Because we lied. He's after us. Because we told the truth. And that just yeah, it's just that whatever you were hanging on to that this film was going somewhere, like, you just really feel like the wind just go right out of the sails. So it's like, and to make it even worse, Fred wants them to remember his abuse of them. Like that's specifically cited as his motivation that he wants him to remember. So it's sort of gross layer upon gross layer. So much gross. And just so like, just it's like there's nowhere to go. You can't go nowhere to go from here.

Unknown Speaker  1:11:32   A tiny detail earlier in that when you see the flashback of the Miss kids. There's like a shot of young Chris the blonde girl and you see that like her back has been like clawed and she's got scars on her back. So this this notion that like maybe they made it up is fucking nonsense cuz like she clearly came home with her back carved up, and you know, her dress torn up. So like, it's like the movies not even sure if it's trying to pull that joke on you or not. But Sebastian, you're totally right. I'm with Jason. I want to watch Jason murder a bunch of people, right? But like, it's hard to root for the dude that like raped a bunch of little kids. Like, that's messed up. And, and I'm a big fan of messed up content, like, give me the messed up stuff. But like, this movie just feels like it's going a little too far. And the fact that he keeps like bringing it up, it's just like, it makes it feel so icky. That you can no longer have fun. You're totally right.

Unknown Speaker  1:12:25   They have like a moment in one of the flashbacks where they show Jackie Earle Haley holding up gardener claw like that's where he got the idea to make the claw and I don't know or maybe he was climbing them with that not the knife hand but then they find the knife hand which is also not really set up in this movie. In the original movie. That's the weapon he used. And he right he put those in the furnace of the boiler room that he was burned in and they find you know, I think the mom still has them in the boiler room, their boiler at home or whatever so they really set up the knife hands whereas in this is Did he really have that knife hand glove in real life? Or is that just part of his dream persona and it was the gardening tool in real life? It's not made no

Unknown Speaker  1:13:21   because because when they go down into the basement Quinten and Rooney are sorry Nancy. On the on the table there's like one of the knife fingers as though he was like in the midst of assembling it like it was his life like he was like pretty soon my knife glove will be ready to go wherever those meddling at all.

Unknown Speaker  1:13:39   Right, so maybe he never got to finish his night knife glove project. And

Unknown Speaker  1:13:45   I think I think that's what it is.

Unknown Speaker  1:13:46   Okay, okay, well, that that tracks

Unknown Speaker  1:13:49   I think even in the original or I think it's the original though don't we actually see him making his

Unknown Speaker  1:13:54   glove? It's the opening looks like

Unknown Speaker  1:13:56   it's a whole thing. Yeah, that's what I remember with like the fire and he's like putting his glove together. Yes. So yeah, I see exactly. I mean, like there's so much care and detail going into like the glove history. Yeah. And the original that it's just to be so like brushed over now. And just yeah, it's it's it falls short to also mention more talking about the yuck going into once these Polaroids are found and that whole thing happens like the yuck gets dialed up so high, like all the up lines just start coming.

Unknown Speaker  1:14:30   Yeah, I emphasize that. It's hard to offend me. And this this scene really offended me like there's like multiple moments. I was like, that's gross like that. Take that out.

Unknown Speaker  1:14:40   Well, And to make matters worse, we go into the basic setup of the climax which is similar to the original, or Nancy, as you figured out earlier in the pharmacy. She pulled out a little piece of Fred's sweater, so she knows that she can bring some corporeal element of him out into reality. So she's going to go into sleep. Quentin is going to watch her. She's gonna grab Fred and pull him out. So she goes to his gross molester bed, goes to sleep. Quentin grabs a paper cutter blade off of an old paper cutter that's lying around to do some Fred killin. But of course, you know, it's stupid Clinton falls asleep. So we go into this big final dream sequence. We're both Nancy and Quentin are both sleeping. So they're sort of both dealing with the dream world. Quinn ends up in the boiler room that Fred never was burned alive in and he throws him around and he slashes them pretty bad in the chest. But then Nancy calls out and because Fred has kept telling her you have always been my favorite. You know, so he's really got a mad boner for so he goes chasing after and, you know, there's we get sort of a replay in some ways of the climax of the original film. At one point, she's in the original Nancy's running up the stairs and her feet sink into the stairs. And this time, she's running down a hallway and then she falls into like the rug and it's all bloody water, whatever.

Unknown Speaker  1:16:18   I like this part. Because Because Because he has one of the better lines here and he goes, how's that for a wet dream, right? And I was like, okay,

Unknown Speaker  1:16:26   that's one of the only lines that sound like an OTG Robert Anglin line, you know, that's something I could he would definitely have said. But so she falls into that falls into the water and falls through the floor and into her own bed at home. And now she's wearing the little girl out dress that she used to wear and this is where it really for me. This is where it gets really gross. No,

Unknown Speaker  1:16:54   I like the part where she falls through the ceiling too. It's a little CG. But this whole sequence with the bloody hallway while it's brief, I will give credit where credit's due I was like that part was well done.

Unknown Speaker  1:17:05   I also know I just was also I like the sequence with the hallway I like when she falls into her bed. I also appreciated that Quentin fashioned a weapon out of one of those giant paper cutters because those things have always anytime in an office or whatever. I'm like this thing is crazy. I'm just glad to see somebody using it as a weapon because it is and then totally like the Glenn before him. You know he did the Amash comes back again or you know that that'll happens. But I was here for all that it was fine. It was Nancy in the baby dress, where I just was like, I just can't, I can't and this is one more grow. Like, I actually took notes of the things because I was like, these are all so gross. Like, your mouth says no, but your body says yes. And I just wrote barf. Because it was just like, it's just so yuck. It's so yuck. And then he she, when she first runs into Friday, she says fuck you to him. And he says, that's a little fast for me. Why don't we just hang first and

Unknown Speaker  1:18:08   it's just like, and then he shows her bodies hanging on in the boiler room. That's just terrible. And I like it. And I like puns, you know, but this is just not it's not okay, none of this is okay. And he you know, he's running his one of his knife fingers like upwards skirt. And they it's it's really I won't say shocking, but it's it's surprising that this was a creative decision that they decided to go with because to rod knees point of director, whoever not really understanding the what people like about this series. You know, this is not what people like about the Nightmare on Elm Street series. This is not what they want to see Freddie doing.

Unknown Speaker  1:18:55   I think they really are just trying to be like, yo, let's like, we're gonna earn that our rating so hard, people are gonna love it. It just has aged really poorly. Also from like, I mean, this, why I brought up the coma thing is because the implication that he basically says here, right is like, I basically have kept you awake for all this time, specifically, so you would fall into a permanent coma. And I could just like, have you for eternity in your dream state? Yeah. Which is like, really creepy. But also, I have a I have a question I have to ask. That's a little icky. But like, if Fred Krueger is into kids, why is he into 18 year old Rooney Mara, right? Like, that doesn't really even make sense within the logic of the film.

Unknown Speaker  1:19:40   Yep. And that sort of occurred to me too, although I did, like I did. That was when he says that, about having her trapped there forever. That at least was a moment in the movie where I kind of got a little bit of like, Oh, you know, I mean, just because the idea I get sort of Things like that where I you know, concepts where people are going to be trapped like, find murder me stab me with a fucking machete cut off my head. It's all good. That's gonna be like two seconds and we're over but the idea of, you know keeping me in your dream world for forever and you know tormenting me is that that actually gives me kind of a bit of a chill. But yeah, it doesn't you're right it doesn't really track with the whole child molester idea that he be just as jazzed to do it to her now, I mean, they could have had her regress to a younger age in the dream like Why does she have to be that age and the dream but I I'm sure that was a bridge too far that they weren't even willing to go to go for

Unknown Speaker  1:20:47   even you hearing you describe it is making me uncomfortable. Yeah. Right. Like, well, there's maybe you should have directed there's no,

Unknown Speaker  1:20:54   there's just nowhere to go with that idea. Unfortunately, you know, I mean, I think they just they, it was a bad idea. They shouldn't have gone there at all.

Unknown Speaker  1:21:02   Like, I feel like if they thought that they were going to be edgy, or try to let you know, it's 2010 and we're just going to really, you know, earn their rating, like you said, or, you know, just try to have like a shock value. It just, it just came off dislike this. This this really poor taste like it just doesn't. It doesn't work. It doesn't work with what this film is.

Unknown Speaker  1:21:23   There's a little part of me that applauds them for trying to be gross. Yeah, they just fail at it.

Unknown Speaker  1:21:29   Yeah, it just doesn't work.

Unknown Speaker  1:21:30   I think that what they're what they misunderstand, and what a lot of people misunderstand about this slasher genre, especially when you're dealing with sort of supernatural characters, or supernatural adjacent characters like Freddy, Jason and Michael, is that it's more a fantasy thing in when you become a fan of these movies, you end up becoming a fan of the characters, even though they're reprehensible and horrible murderers. It's sort of similar to the way you feel about superheroes or you know, other fantasy characters. You don't want them to tethered due to the terrible horrible things that really happen in real life. It's fine for them to stab people and hack them apart. That's the craved part of us that is satisfied, but we don't want to see really horrible atrocities occur at the hands of these characters. They are in some weird way fantasy figures to us and we don't want to see that.

Unknown Speaker  1:22:34   Well said you some that are very well

Unknown Speaker  1:22:37   basically, you know, Nancy stabs Fred and then I with something but you know, he can't die in this world. If we do get the line. I'm, I'm your boyfriend now. Which you know, of course is a call back to the original question tries to wake her up, she won't wake up. So we get this scene where he shoots her in the heart with the adrenaline calling back to pulp fiction. This wakes her up and she drags Fred into reality. You know, they fight in reality, which is you know, pretty satisfying. At that point. She cuts off his hand with the paper cutter blade, and then slashes his throat and she says you're in my world now bitch. Which decent line I feel like that might have been said in one of the other movies but I'm not sure one of the other nightmare movies but I'm not sure yeah and that's basically it they burn the the creepy school and

Unknown Speaker  1:23:37   again Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  1:23:39   like learn from your fucking past. Also, why like they now have proof of like the burned dream killer that they fought in recount reality. Why don't they like take pictures call the cops be like, Look, we found Fred Krueger. Right? Like, it would help explain anything that they might need to explain right in case they're gonna be accused of murder. But they're like not let's just burn it all

Unknown Speaker  1:24:02   will not only So wait, so his body is still there right after they kill him.

Unknown Speaker  1:24:07   Yeah, she like cuts. She slashes his neck up and he like bleeds to death. And he's just dead body on the floor.

Unknown Speaker  1:24:13   Right. So like for the sequel? They should have not burned down the building. They should have called the police. They should have explained to them. Look, this is a guy that's been dead for. I don't know how many years? Like 15 years right? I guess there'd be no way to way to prove that because they never I guess found his body to begin with.

Unknown Speaker  1:24:33   They could do like carbon dating, I guess.

Unknown Speaker  1:24:35   But then you could do a whole sequel where like now we're dealing with a reality where you can like pull people out of dreams. Like what does that mean? Then you've got your dream warriors and all that. So yeah, missed opportunity there. But uh, so yeah, that's basically it until we get our Stinger seen where Nancy and mom returned home. And there's a mirror and Freddie's in the mirror. In the mirror, and he throws his claws out of the mirror and and they go right through mom's the back of mom's head out the front of her face. And her her eyeballs are on the tips of his fingers and it's really dumb. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  1:25:16   it's literally just like the movie ends with a sign that says fuck you go home. Like, so. It's so like, to be fair, I think most nightmare I know she'd films and with like, this ridiculous Stinger that sort of like non canon,

Unknown Speaker  1:25:29   you know, a first movie has a terrible one. It's terrible. Yeah. So I mean, it's no worse than that. If we're being brutally honest.

Unknown Speaker  1:25:39   The first one is now the one where she gets like, sucked through the door. No, that's when she gets in a car.

Unknown Speaker  1:25:43   Yes, yeah. Oh, right. Mom does

Unknown Speaker  1:25:46   right. She gets in the car. The car like is a convertible that closes up

Unknown Speaker  1:25:50   with that has dried in there. It's got Freddie's sweater painted on it basically, on right comfortable roof.

Unknown Speaker  1:25:57   And then mom gets sucked through the What do you call it like the people

Unknown Speaker  1:26:01   know, it's like the, it's like glam. And

Unknown Speaker  1:26:05   it's a fancy name. I don't know, the glass above the door. That's like super small. So it's like, it's not for a person to be pulled through.

Unknown Speaker  1:26:13   Yeah, she suddenly becomes like an inflatable sex doll. And then,

Unknown Speaker  1:26:17   yeah, yanked through the tiny window in the door. So it's not like they had a lot to live up to here, because that's pretty terrible. But this is terrible, too. And then we get dream by the Everly Brothers or whatever, for the end credits. And that's basically the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. So let's move on to closing thoughts. Let's start with the positives. I'm going to say that I think this movie looks decent. It's decently you know, the production values are good. We forgot to mention the scene where Chris is in the classroom. And she has her dream. It's mirroring a scene from the original, which is done more gritty and better. But you know, there's suddenly she's in this dolt, you know, dilapidated, post apocalyptic classroom. And that's when we first get a good look at Fred at the chalkboard, there are some moments of nice computer generated imagery, that sort of hint at the potential of what a movie like this could be. Just in terms of production, design and production values, I think it's fine. Although I do agree that none of the dream sequences are as good as they could be. I think the actors overall were good. I think the film looks good. There's, you know, it doesn't look like it was, you know, poorly made. I don't mind the callbacks to the original. I mean, they're, they're, you know, beat for beat there at some spots. But you know, it's, it's fine. It's a remake. It's not, I'm not upset about it. But that's, that's what they're doing. You know, that those are, those are the positives, there's the scenes that stood out, like the pharmacy scene. I do like the scene that you just mentioned, as well with when she's learning about Sparta and and in the classroom, and we get to see Fred for the first time and his fingers on the chalkboard and all that stuff. Yeah, I mean, I'll go into what I didn't like, but there definitely are things that I like about it,

Unknown Speaker  1:28:23   you know, I think it's a case of liking by default. Right? It there's nothing in this movie that I will like want to show to somebody and say you've got to see this scene or this moment or this shot, because there's nothing in the movie that rises to excellence. Right However, there are there are things that are not bad or need to be shit upon like it is shot very professionally, this is clearly a they had a budget they had a good dp. The director has a pretty good eye, I would say half of the movie, there's some good stylish shit like some of the boiler room sequences the way the framing in the framing is done. I thought the the partner she's in the bloody body bag look great. Some of the kills wealth too fast, are very gory and violent. And I applaud that because that's sort of the reason you come to these movies. Right? And, and again, there were a couple one liners that I liked and, and having Clancy Brown in your movie is a plus for me every time I've he literally can't be in a bad Well, he can be in a bad movie, but he's never bad. So I think on my second viewing this time, it was a lot less offensive than I remembered it being I can I can say that, you know, but again, I don't think there's anything about this movie except maybe the part of the dude cuts his throat at the beginning that I thought was truly badass.

Unknown Speaker  1:29:41   What do you think went wrong here? creatively, I feel like I've sort of my main gripes with it creatively or the decision to back out of the idea that Fred is after them out of revenge because they lied. And then to go full child molester like, you know Go full child molester.

Unknown Speaker  1:30:01   I was thinking about was watching the movie. And I kept thinking I was trying to put my finger on. Why is this movie bad? And part of it falls under the category of like, just it's so bland. It's forgettable, right? But I, I now know what the problem is. And the problem is, in all the other Nightmare on Elm Street films, the dream sequences are these set pieces to themselves. They're like little short films, right? That you look forward to? Yeah, it's like, oh, you realize that person is dreaming. Some dread comes, Brady gets them turns into a fucking worm, or he like turns into a TV set. You know, like, the turns the one dude into a puppet with like, you know, the veins and shit. And that's why you come to the movie. But this version does away with that, because of the micro naps. It says we're not doing dream sequences. We're just here to have like, a scary guy with knives jump out of shadows. And so you are actually undoing the very thing that everybody wants. Right? Like, that's, that's all you actually want out of a Freddy Krueger movie. I don't care about his backstory, I don't even care about him killing people with the glove. I'd rather he doesn't kill anyone with the glove. And in this movie, it's the only way he kills anyone. And I think that's the biggest sin the movie makes is that it it takes the premise of a man who gets you in your dreams, and basically just turns him into a dude who stabs you with his hand in your dreams. Like, that's lame, guys. It's lame. What is our argue, I think in arguably the greatest horror movie killer premise of all time that a guy kills you in your dreams because that you can't not sleep. So there's, I mean, there I don't think there's ever been a better initial premise of a slasher movie. And I and I agree, I will maybe back down from the defense of the micro naps, just because you make a good point there. I think if they had done new dream sequences, and done the micro naps, I think there could have been something at least to make this stand out and be a little more memorable. Yeah. And, and again, I acknowledge, I acknowledge what you're saying that they put the micro naps in to try to up the ante and make it be like, Oh, he can come anytime I get that I just, I just think that they it's a missed opportunity. You know, like, you're gonna have a whole sequence in a swimming pool where the kid falls asleep. Let's make it a big sequence, you know, like really bad at it. But instead, it's over like that all the dream sequences start and then the person wakes up or they get killed. I understand that you want to recreate the first movie, but like, you're you're totally right, there is no better idea for a slasher film. Like, sooner or later, you're gonna fall asleep. And this guy is going to get you and going all the way back to the beginning this conversation when I said that all of the Freddy movies are like, up and down. And some of them are really bad, and some are really good. They all have really great death sequences. That's the thing. Even the worst of the movies have these nightmare scenes that you're like, Oh, that's twisted, you know? Yeah. And, and this movie is just like, I don't care about that part. I care more about telling you the backstory of how maybe this guy was a pedophile. But wink wink, he was so big shocker. Like, like, whether he's whether he was a pedophile or not. He's still murdering people from the beginning of this movie. So he's clearly the bad guy. So why are we making a mystery movie out of it? You

Unknown Speaker  1:33:30   know, if they announced, which I imagine one day they will, that they are going to try this again. I'm sure it won't be with Jackie Earle Haley or anything like that. Or Platinum dunes if they even exist anymore. Would you be interested in seeing it, Jennifer? Absolutely. Always. Neil got a hope for the best expect the worst and hope for the best. That's that's how I roll So yeah, I would totally go see reboot of this again in the theater. Absolutely. Give it a shot now. Just when they announced this movie, apparently he did. Screen tests with Kevin Bacon as Freddy Krueger before Jackie Earle Haley, which I actually think could work in a weird way at least Kevin Bacon has the sort of build and you know he's lanky and and you could do cool stuff with his makeup in his face. I also remember people banding around the name of Ben Foster, from you know, six feet under and he's actually in 30 days of night and stuff. I think he could have been he could be a good he's got a good creepy vibe. I think he could be a good Freddy Krueger. Rodney, would you be up for another attempt at this? Are you just gonna dig in your heels and say don't ever try to do this again?

Unknown Speaker  1:34:53   No as a like, Look, I I'm a horror fan. I I go see everything right like always Honestly, I have no idea why these large franchises don't just make make a new one every year. Like if I ran the studio, every fucking Halloween, maybe every 18 months, you would have a new fresh Nightmare on Elm Street film and a new fray a 13th. at like, like saw did it for like eight years in a row. Right? And like, Dude, it's not that hard. Like, I promise I'll come up, I'll come to your mediocre dream killer movie every fucking Halloween. Why is it take so long? Yeah, I'd like it to be a little better. But yeah, I will go to the next 10 remakes of this film franchise. I was

Unknown Speaker  1:35:34   just gonna say it is utterly baffling that they can't get these things. I mean, I think a lot in the case of the Friday the 13th series, it's because there's some sort of rights issues like going on. That's fair. I mean, that one's a no brainer. I put a guy in a hockey mask. I mean, what is the big deal?

Unknown Speaker  1:35:55   Three of us. If the three of us were arguing over the money, I'd be like, Look, guys, can we disagree every year that we argue we're not making any so how about we just split it three ways, right? We make we make one every year. Let's just churn them out. They act like everyone doesn't like Freddy Krueger, because they had a bad Critical response to this movie. Right? And it's like, No, we didn't like your movie. Try again. Do it again. Right? Yeah, you can start over be like Spider Man. Just keep starting over until you get it right again. Right. However I disagree with I read some articles about Kevin Bacon being interested in the role. And I gotta tell you, I think the misconception is that everyone thinks of Robert England is Freddy Krueger, but he became famous because of the role. Right? He wasn't a famous actor. And I think the minute you put a famous actor in the role of Freddy Krueger, the audience can't stop looking at him as the actor I kept seeing Jackie Earle Haley, just finally someone I don't know and make that the new Freddy Krueger and fill the rest of the cast with famous people.

Unknown Speaker  1:36:56   I think there's a sort of middle ground where you could get a character actor, somebody like Ben Foster, who most people don't really know who he is. I mean, Robert England was a character actor, he would been in other movies. It's not known. I mean, he's in, you know, a galaxy of terror and all sorts of stuff before he became Freddy Krueger. So I mean, I think Will anybody ever live up to Robert England? Probably not.

Unknown Speaker  1:37:21   That that's, that's the problem. It's it. They're, they're such big boots to fill, you know. And it's impossible to play that role without inviting everyone to compare you to Robert England.

Unknown Speaker  1:37:33   But but it I mean, I think it with the right person, it can be done where you can have, you know, both versions, both actors, you know, living in a world where you you can just enjoy both of them. Like I feel that way about having Bill skarsgard play Pennywise you know, it's like, first new Penny wises Tim Curry through the miniseries. And that's who just how I pictured him. And then here comes Bill skarsgard. And I'm like, I love him. And I think he also, you know, at least at that time, was probably toeing that line of not being, you know, super well known, but had done some notable things. And so he was able to slide into that and do his own take on it. And I am now you know, I like both versions. So I think it can be done. I think that that comparison is pretty good. But I also feel that, you know, there was only one attempted it before they made another one. Even though people were kind of hung up on Tim Curry's version. It wasn't like Nightmare on Elm Street where we got you know, six or seven whatever movies with one guy I think it's you know, the more more movies you make with one person, the harder it is for people to shake that I think people of our generation will never get over Robert England, I don't think there will there will ever be a version that will be able to compete with him. But I think it's such a strong idea that the temptation to not reenter introduce this character to a new generation is, you know, it's way too too much. You know, they're going to try it again. Because it's just such a good idea. And you know, I know those movies still exist and and young people can go and find them and watch them but like, Come on, let's let's be real. They don't want to do that.

Unknown Speaker  1:39:26   So there's money to be made in them Freddie and that Freddy sweater. That's basically what I'm saying.

Unknown Speaker  1:39:32   Yeah, I I'll back down on this, they easily could find a more well known actor who still just does a different version. I think you got to just get away from the Freddy Krueger. I'm so used to like I remember thinking, Heath Ledger was the worst idea ever to play.

Unknown Speaker  1:39:47   Oh, I did too. I was like, What?

Unknown Speaker  1:39:49   Really? Yep. And then we all saw the movie and we all went I apologize. I'm really sorry. You You're amazing. So I genuinely think someone out that maybe it is kevin bacon bacon. Maybe it is better. Foster well I guess we'll find out one day because they're gonna make another one that there's no way they just leave this where they left it.

Unknown Speaker  1:40:07   Well let's hope they do a better job but anyway thank you guys for being on this episode and I want to wish you both the sweetest of dreams.

Unknown Speaker  1:40:27   That about does it today for Tentpole Trauma. If you like what you heard, check out our social media presence on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Just look for Tentpole Trauma. That was easy, wasn't it? If you like us, hit subscribe, and leave us a sterling review on iTunes. If you dare. If you really like us, head over to patreon.com and get involved in one of our fabulous tears. You'll be glad you did. Want to communicate with Tentpole Trauma, send an email to Tentpole trauma@gmail.com we'd love to hear from you. And who knows, one day you may even get your email read on one of our shows.

Unknown Speaker  1:41:15   Thanks for listening, and we'll see you real soon.

[enby-hawke]

Word Count:  4343

Pairing: Hawke/Isabela, Fenris/Hawke (broken up), Merrill/Hawke (mutual pining)

Summary:

Hawke is taking the breakup with Fenris hard, though only really Merrill knows how hard. To take his mind off of things, he decides to spend some time with Isabela.

I’ll put a preview in the tags but when it gets NSFW I’ll link. Don’t want to get shadowbanned.

Hawke’s eyes were burning and his throat was still hoarse. He had a major headache and had been sobbing on and off, his head in Merrill’s lap. She was the only one other than Bethany that he felt safe enough to express the depth of his pain. He had spent most of the day in Merrill’s apartment couch watching sappy chick flicks, only taking breaks when Hawke would break down again. Merrill would stroke his ears and hair and soothe him with some words. He would feel guilty pleasure thinking of Carver every time he took comfort in her presence.

“I’m so stupid,” Hawke cried suddenly, and Merrill patiently paused the movie to listen. Hawke was suddenly angry with himself. “I thought he was falling-in-love with me.”

She gazed down at him sweetly, her sadness in her eyes. “I think he was, Hawke. Is, I mean. He looked happy with you. Sometimes he even smiled.”

“Because I’m a joke.”

“No, you’re not.”

“How can I not be? I’m an idiot. He made it clear he hated me the day we met. He thinks I’m a monster.”

“No, he doesn’t.” She brushed curls off his forehead when his odd eyes turned up to gaze at her.

“Then why did he just leave? He won’t even talk to me.”

Merrill’s eyebrows knitted together as she frowned. “To be honest, Hawke, I think he’s scared.”

Hawke looked away, his eyes staring at the screen where the movie paused. The blond lawyer who he always forgot was either Jen or Janet was making her closing speech, where she would shock the audience and win the case with her specific baking knowledge that was otherwise irrelevant to the plot. “Of course he’s scared. I’m a blood mage, a curse.”

“He said magic was a curse.”

He wiped his eyes, the tears streaming again, and he looked up at Merrill slightly angry. “You’re defending him?”

“Hawke, I just don’t think he hates you,” she reached over and squeezed his hand. “I can’t imagine what he’s been through, but I know about being scared to be vulnerable. Maybe he wasn’t ready.”

Hawke looked back at the screen. Jen or Janet’s pink dress suit stood out from the drab courtroom and she pointed at the screen straight at Hawke, her face full of conviction. “So you’re saying to hold out for hope?”

“I do,” Merrill said brushing his big ear that had the most lopsided point. He looked back up at her, full of hope and he was drawn back into those meadow green eyes. For a moment Hawke thought they would kiss and he held his breath, she leaned in, he drew closer. But the way the light glinted made her eyes almost the same color as Fenris and pain stabbed his heart and he turned his head back to the TV, ending it. He thought of Carver, forcing him into his mind, reminding him why he could not go there.

“Is it stupid that I still love him? We broke up before we even started dating.”

Merrill smiled. “Love is never stupid and always stupid.”

Hawke laughed, genuinely. Merrill always knew what to say.

They resumed watching “Legally Stupid” but Hawke couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the movie. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he almost kissed Merrill, his face burning as he laid in her lap. He had almost blown it. But he would keep thinking of that moment, a welcome distraction for his broken heart.

He didn’t return to his mansion that night. He went to the Hanged Man and parked himself right behind the bar, greeting Corff. Hawke thought again of how he almost kissed Merrill, kicking himself, and then promptly ordered 5 shots of Jack whiskey and downed them all down then ordered two more. He scanned the bar for Isabela and found her already in a game of Wicked Grace with Fenris, Varric, Sebastian and three of Varric’s templar friends that he’s introduced to at least five times but he hadn’t bothered to remember their names. He stared at Fenris, in a deep chat with Sebastian, his white hair falling in those dreamy green eyes as they turned upwards into a smile. So he was happy. Hawke could be happy, too.

He carried the shot glasses to the table just as all the men collectively groaned.

“Sorry, fellas, looks like I win again,” Isabela grinned collecting the coin on the table with two outstretched arms.

Varric laughed, gathering the cards and dealing again. “I told you not to take that bet, Choir Boy.”

“I will prove that you’re cheating, Isabela,” Sebastian said, his voice playfully cross.

Isabela turned to respond when Hawke placed the two shot glasses in front of her. She looked up at Hawke and smiled wryly. “A present for me?”

“If you like,” Hawke shrugged. “It could also be a bribe.”

“Oh,” she raised an interested eyebrow, downing the first shot. “And what am I being bribed for?” Then she downed the other.

“Fuck me,” Hawke said bluntly, causing Sebastian to spit out his water, but nobody else seemed shocked. Hawke was avoiding Fenris’ gaze and Fenris was avoiding him, but anyone who looked could see the Tevinter elf reddening, his eyes stony and hard.

“Ooooh,” Isabela cooed. “Interesting, but I don’t know if I feel like it right now.”

Hawke threw his head back and groaned childishly. “Fine,” he whined, turning his back. There was always porn. “Come over when you change your mind.” And he began to walk away.

“Hold on,” she called out in a sing-song voice. He knew that was going to happen. “Hawke, what color are your underclothes?”

Hawke turned around, grinning cheekily. “Wanna find out?”

“I don’t know. You put on the most childish things,” she turned to the table pointing at Hawke. “This man has a whole collection of cartoon dragons, superheroes, and dogs. I don’t want to fuck a man with Captain Ferelden on his crotch.”

Hawke was already drunk and not even phased at the scattered laughter. “I’m not ashamed of that. Those were collector’s edition.”

Isabela rolled her eyes. “Hawke, learn to collect things that are actually worth something.”

Hawke shrugged. “So we fucking or not?”

“Hmmm,” Isabela simpered, pretending to think deeply with her hand on her chin. “How about you take off your pants first and then I’ll decide.”

Hawke didn’t even wait to debate how he would show her his underclothes. Without complaint, he started undoing his belt. Scattered hoots and whistles encouraged him and he stripped to reveal tight black women’s panties that hugged his skin and showed off the bulge in his crotch. “Happy now?” he asked and stepped out of his pants. Everyone behind him started laughing hysterically.

“They’re decent. Turn around,” she ordered.

So Hawke threw his jeans and belt over his shoulder and showed off the back of his panties. There was an arrow pointing down in white that said, “With an ass like this who needs big tits?”

“Cute, right?” Hawke grinned. He had little shame, to begin with when he wasn’t drunk, but in the bask of the drunken hoots and hollers he was brazen. Sebastian was shielding his eyes as if he was looking into the sun. Fenris averted his gaze, nursing his drink, pretending he wasn’t there. The templars were laughing drunkenly and one of them, the red-headed mustache guy, slapped Varric on the shoulder. Varric snapped a picture, for posterity.

“Hawke,” Corff said from behind the bar, in an annoyed, tired tone. “This is a public business. Get dressed or get out.”

“I’ll be out of your way in a minute,” Hawke called back and gave a thumbs up.

He turned back around to see Isabela giggling, her hands holding her ample sides. “Oh, Hawke,” she said wiping her right eye. “You’re too easy.”

“Hey, easy gets me laid. Let’s go before I get kicked out,” he leaned over the table and grabbed her hand.

“Wait, wait, wait,” she laughed, and scooped her winnings into her bag. He helped her over the table, almost getting knees in food and spilling drinks. Both still laughing, he dragged her into her room and promptly shut the door.

Read the rest on AO3

[lady-divine-writes]

Kurtbastian one-shot - “Irresistable” (Rated PG13)

After an argument over a lane change and one joke too far, Sebastian proves to Kurt that he's exactly the man Kurt thinks he is. (2076 words)

Part 39 of Daddies

Read on AO3.

“So” - Kurt purrs, sliding across his seat to whisper in his husband’s ear – a risky move while the man’s driving, but not risky enough to keep Kurt in his own seat. This is the first date they’ve been on sans child and dog in over a month, and it ended far too soon. They’re on their way home. In about half an hour, they’ll be on-the-clock parents again. Kurt intends on making the most out of every second they have alone together - “what did you think of the show?”

“Well” – Sebastian grins as Kurt starts kissing his neck – “it would’ve been better with more strippers.”

“Sebastian” – Kurt chuckles – “it’s The Sound of Music. There are no strippers in The Sound of Music!”

“No wonder I was falling asleep.” Sebastian spreads his legs as his husband’s hand slides between them.

“And most of the actors were children!”

“If they replaced the children with strippers, then that would be a show worth watching.”

Kurt stops palming his husband’s crotch as he stares at the man in disbelief, then he snorts. He can’t help himself. The Van Trapp Family Strippers is too funny no matter who you are.

“How about when we get home I put on a show worth watching?”

“Hmm” - Sebastian hums as his husband nibbles his neck - “will you be wearing lederhosen?”

“I think that could be arranged.” Kurt nuzzles deeper into the crook of Sebastian’s neck, following its curve as Sebastian leans to the side, exposing more skin.

Sebastian skillfully changes lanes as Kurt begins to unbutton his shirt. “Is this a sneak preview? Because if it is, I think I shit!”

Kurt snorts again, fully prepared to comment about his kisses making his husband mess his pants and whether or not that’s a compliment, but he flies abruptly forward, and that ruins the mood. Sebastian shoots an arm out to catch him, so instead of going full force into the dash, his arm whacks the steering wheel.

“Bas!”

“I’m … I’m sorry but … uh! That frickin’ van just cut us off!”

“Which van?” Kurt faces the windshield to catch a glimpse. There’s only one van on the road with them – an old school, Ford delivery van painted glossy grey, and decorated with mouse ears and a tail. Kurt sighs. He knows this van, knows that the front has a nose and whiskers to match. He doesn’t have to see the name on the side to know who it belongs to. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Sebastian side-eyes his husband in disgust. Who was this man returning calmly to the passenger seat as if some random asshole hadn’t cut them off, stopping what could have become an impromptu in-ride blowjob? Where did Kurt suddenly disappear to – the man who once tackled a pregnant woman pushing a child in a stroller during a Black Friday sale to snag the last Valentino sweater on clearance (even though they found out later on she had had no intention of buying it)? Sebastian had been fully prepared to live vicariously as Kurt tore the driver of that van a new one, rolling down the window and throwing out one-of-a-kind expletives that would make for some kinky ass stroke material later on. Had getting married and having a son made his husband soft? “What do you mean oh? Sic ‘em, Kurt!”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “I mean oh. It’s Mrs. Palmer’s Cutie Cakes van, what we down at the PTA call the mouse mobile.”

“You say that like it should mean something.”

“Cutie Cakes is that mom and pop bakery off of 17th and Maple. Well, mom and son now. The woman who runs it is a legend. She makes all of her cakes and pastries by hand every single day. Wakes up at the butt crack of dawn to do it, too. Has since the shop opened. And she’s about eighty years older than God.”

Sebastian shoots his husband a disgruntled look. “Are you … are you telling me some blue haired lol is driving that van!?”

“More than likely.”

“That shouldn’t be legal!”

“I don’t think it is, but who’s going to call her out on it? I mean, she has a run in with the police about once every other week and yet she still has her driver’s license. If they can’t get her to stop driving, who will?”

Sebastian sees the van veer towards the exit that leads to Maple, blinker indicating that’s where it’s getting off. He straightens in his seat and changes lanes in pursuit. “I will.”

Kurt stares at his husband in silence. For a second, Sebastian thinks Kurt is impressed by his initiative, by his willingness to take charge. But Kurt bursts out laughing, and the boner Sebastian got from his husband’s misperceived look of awe withers and dies.

Sebastian frowns. “What?”

“You’re going to call her out on it?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Right.” Kurt bites his lower lip, staring out the windshield as he pictures such a confrontation going down, how epically his husband would lose. “O-kay.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I know you, Bas. You like people to think you’re all big and bad, but really you’re a huge softie.”

“Is that so?” Sebastian snaps. He tries to growl, but it doesn’t come easy for him. Not the way it used to, and that makes him seethe.

“That’s so. I can see it now …” Kurt watches the grey van pull into the parking lot of the Cutie Cakes bakery up ahead. The store front has gone through many transformations over the decades, so he’s heard. Since they moved into town, it has been a wood cottage, the kind one can imagine a tiny baker mouse living in.

Kurt has to admit, the premise is adorable. And brilliant.

The van’s engine turns off, and its owner climbs out. The vehicle sits higher off the ground than the woman can manage, so she pulls out a custom decorated, white washed wood stepstool and sets it down on the cement. Then foot by foot, she carefully climbs down. It makes Kurt’s heart melt.

His husband doesn’t stand a chance.

“… you’re going to walk in there,” Kurt continues, hand over his heart as the woman locks up her van and walks into her bakery, “she’s going to remind you of your grandmother, your favorite person in the whole wide world, and you’re going to buy her out. You’ll see.”

“Wow.” Sebastian clicks his tongue. “You really know how to hurt a guy.”

Kurt considers his husband’s remark with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Hurt? How did I hurt you? I’m saying you loved your grandma and you’re not an asshole. Isn’t that a compliment, all things considered?”

“Not being an asshole is one thing. Being a pushover is another.”

Kurt shakes his head. “I think you’re overreacting.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

“Fine.” Sebastian screeches into the lot the second the front door of the bakery closes with the proprietor safely inside and finds a spot one over from the grey van. “I’ll show you who’s a big softie!” He puts the car into park, throws the door open, angrily unbuckles his seat belt, and climbs out. He takes a step, then turns to his husband for one final dig. “You ever seen an old lady cry, Kurt? Well, pay attention!” Then he slams the door shut in Kurt’s face. The interior light fades to black as Sebastian storms to the door, leaving Kurt horrified and dumbfounded.

“Sebastian! No! Wait, I …” Kurt leans over the center console to peer out the driver’s side window. “Sebastian!” he calls louder, even though it’s fruitless. He sits in his seat and watches. He has a front row seat to the tragedy unfolding through the picture window of the bakery, and the show is about to begin.

He can see Mrs. Palmer untying the drapes, getting ready to lock up for the night as Sebastian confronts her. His mouth tightens, lips forming words Kurt can’t hear through several panes of glass, but which he can make out by sight: “Excuse me, are you Mrs. Palmer?”

He sees the kindly woman say, “Yes, dear. I am.”

Sebastian raises an accusing finger.

Mrs. Palmer pulls the drapes.

Then Kurt doesn’t see or hear a thing from either of them for close to twenty minutes. Several times he considers opening the window to try and hear the conversation going on inside, maybe even go up to the front door and listen in, but he can’t make himself do it.

He can’t make himself witness his husband berate a poor, old woman over a lane change.

He never believed in a million years Sebastian would. Sebastian has changed. He’s changed! It took time, and counseling, and about a hundred first dates before Kurt could believe it, but Sebastian worked hard to overcome the aspect of the boy he was back in high school.

That’s why Kurt fell in love with him. Because of the two men Kurt loved – the only two men Kurt had ever loved – Sebastian is the one who made a promise to be a better man and kept it. Was that all a façade? Was Sebastian really still the jilted, sarcastic, bitter boy he’d been? Was that lurking somewhere deep inside, waiting to be stoked to life? When would it surface again? When he was angry at Kurt?

Or at Thomas?

Kurt doesn’t want to have these doubts about his husband. His husband was … is … is a good man. One of the best Kurt has ever met.

Was that all just spin, created by himself, to avoid the truth? That a leopard can’t change his spots?

Kurt hears the door of the bakery open. From his peripheral vision, he sees light flood the parking lot, then snuff out when the door closes, the loud click of a deadbolt ringing in the quiet. Kurt can’t look at his husband when the man returns to the car, shuffling his feet. Kurt holds his breath as the shick-shick-shick of leather soles on gravel comes nearer.

He can’t believe it. He just can’t believe it.

Kurt swallows hard realizing he is in no way blameless in all of this. He goaded Sebastian, knew that with the right amount of teasing, he could get him to react. But Kurt thought it would turn into a battle of jabs that wouldn’t leave the car – slightly sharp, a bit of sting, but within the boundaries of juvenile pigtail pulling and sticking out tongues.

Can he respect his husband after going through with this?

The driver’s door opens, but Sebastian doesn’t get in, standing like a statue, looking over the top of the car.

Kurt swallows again, a mixture of his own shame and a cold, hard fear landing in his stomach like lead. There’s an apology in his mouth, waiting for his chance to take a share of the blame for what his husband might have done, but he can’t say it yet.

He has to know what happened.

“S-so?” Kurt asks.

Sebastian doesn’t answer, and Kurt can’t see his face, his body blocking the door while he stares off into the distance. Kurt hears his husband sigh - the long sigh of a man who’s done something he can’t take back.

And when Kurt sees exactly what Sebastian can’t take back, he sighs with relief, giddy with it, till it takes everything in his power not to laugh his head off.

Sebastian bends down and hands him a pink box wrapped in candy cane string – not a normal, perfectly square, 8-inch round cake sized box, but a long, rectangular box.

The kind you can fit around three dozen donuts in.

Kurt puts the box in his lap and then, simply to try his restraint, Kurt assumes, Sebastian hands him another one.

Sebastian drops into his car seat, closes his door, buckles his seatbelt, and turns the key in the ignition. Through the reflection in the rearview and with the help of the dash lights, Kurt can see Sebastian’s eyes, a little redder than they had been when he left the car.

As if he might have been crying.

What the hell did happen in that bakery!?

Kurt takes a breath, ready to ask for details, but Sebastian cuts him off before the first syllable even thinks of leaving his mouth. “Don’t. Say. A. Word.”

[guardmesherlock-rowan]

Hello! I'm a little new to playing GMS - I've been following it before but was disappointed to hear that it was getting canceled, but apparently not anymore. I just heard that Sebastian is getting a route which made me download the game. For someone who's just starting, do you have any tips? I typically don't spend money in these games so I was wondering if it will still be playable in that case... Thank you!

Hello and welcome!

Okay so I’ve actually been considering putting this information out there so I guess this is a perfect opportunity!

😳That or you were reading my mind.😳 

First things first:I get you not spending money on the game, it took over a month before I gave in to it myself.  But I must remind all players that the reason (that we know of) that the game was discontinued in the first place was due to it not making enough money.  So I really must promote the idea of those who can afford it and really love the game to spend a little to show their support. 

That said? You don’t have to spend money to enjoy the game. At least not the main story lines.  What it does take is patience and a schedule to get the most out of the game. 

So you’re most likely going to have a little stumble near the end of the route as a new player.  It’s going to require you to have a lot of Sweetie Points to pass the checkpoint, and it might take a day or so to get it.  But then you’re good.

Sure you’re not going to get the premium scenes, but honestly the non-premium are good too!  They can be hilarious watching the guys play off each other, or cheesy, or cute, but still a delight in their own ways.  

Now for the beginners and people just plain new to “Guard Me Sherlock!”

[undercut link for mobile users]

So you’ve found your way here; either by being a fan of Sherlock Holmes, being a fan of other games done by @shallwedateapps, or by being a  fan of dating games in general, but you’re here.  

You may be sharing the same thought I did when I first read the game’s title: “that’s a silly name”, and yeah maybe, but the game is more than that.

The Story!

Okay so we have MC and she is:

clever

kind

strangely accepting

naive at the most inopportune times

an actress

and a bit snarky sometimes

So the prologue is her meeting the guys, the male characters in the story:

Sherlock Holmes

John Watson

George Lestrade

Mikah Hudson (child)

Mycroft Holmes

Hercule Poirot

Jeremy Cassel

James Moriarty 

Sebastian Moran (his route is up next!)

and Jack Stillman

Though not in that order per say.  From there MC works her way to the point of asking Sherlock for help, and the problem is determined by the story you’re starting. 

During which there are quizzes throughout the season one stories and getting them correct can result in winning small prizes like extra energy points for Hide & Kiss.

The Characters/Main storylines!

So once you finish the prologue you have to decide which route you’re going to play.  Just talking about the season ones we have:

Sherlock Holmes

It’s a sweet story of Sherlock coming to terms with these strange new emotions he’s feeling all the while assisting MC in dealing with threats and sudden attempts at harming her person.  All which seems to circle over the fact that she took her current role over after a passing of a dear friend.

John Watson

Sweet and funny story as MC has John’s help in trying to figure out what happened to her uncle.  He seems to have gone missing but has left a small trial for his niece to follow. Course being worried for her safety John seems like the best candidate as a bodyguard, though to not arose suspicion they need a reason for him to be with her everywhere… fake engagement anyone? 

James Moriarty

While there is not a lot of diversity in scenes, there are some breath taking background drops.  MC wanted Sherlock’s help in finding out if everything is on the up and up for the next play she is in.  He told her to go through with it unless she heard otherwise from him.  Day comes and she is goes to get ready for the play, which will take place in a few days, on a train. With Moriarty as the benefactor.  It’s a whirlwind of flirtation and ‘what ifs’. 

Mycroft Holmes

Not really one for fake engagements?  How about a fake marriage?  Mycroft is subtle throughout his story, and there are times MC can be… *flashbacks and kill bill sirens* but this is thought to be one of the most romantic stories within Guard Me Sherlock though the mystery doesn’t come into play until the later act.

Mikah Hudson

~let’s do the time warp again~ Jumping into the future, MC has been living at 221B and seems to have missed the point where Mikah became a man.  While helping Mikah’s friend they open up their feelings towards each other. 

My schedule to get the most out of my game:

I wake up and use 2 tickets before 7 am

Clear my energy points, and then go to work

At lunch I clear the hide & kiss points out (you get 1 point per 3 minutes, 20 points per hour)

This is also usually when I use my one free slot spin a day

When I get home I decompress and either wait till after the game updates (7pm cst) or before it is there is a biscuit boost, and I spend all the tickets I have (which is either 3 - 4)

This way I keep my tickets at specific intervals throughout the day to make sure I get 6 tickets a day as there is 4 hour wait in between each and it stops counting once you hit 5. 

So I asked @cinnamonteaandbiscuits what she would give as advice to a new player:

“You can exit out of the story if you think you’ve picked the wrong choice.” (you just hit on the arrow in the upper right corner, and select home, that will let you do that chapter from the beginning as long as you don’t go all the way to the end)

“Don’t skip the previews. They’re hilarious!” (So true. Also areas where you can learn more about the other guys in between or during times they’re picking on each other.)

Be aware of your room situation when it comes to points. 

Hide & Kiss

When it comes to hide and kiss there are a few things to be aware of. 

When you start a session and pick a guy your style in your room should reflect their taste.

Sherlock & Mycroft: elegant

John & Mikah: Sexy

James: Cute

The more points you have in that style the more sweetie points you can earn.  Up to a point.  If you’re hitting 58 - 70 points per magnifying glass in the last room you’ve hit max.

In biscuit collections each tap in Hide & Kiss is one point.  So if you’re trying to earn those biscuits you’re better off using the room that takes the least amount of energy points.

Alright so I hope that was helpful!

If you’re looking for a brief history as to what’s going on with the game  I did a brief little catch up with releasing routes back on January 5th before we found who out it would be. 

And if you’re interested in my headcanons and/or fanfictions please feel free to check out my Masterlist

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Jan. 24, 2020 – THE GENTLEMEN, THE TURNING, THE LAST FULL MEASURE

If you read last week’s column, you’ll already know that I’m no longer with The Beat, so I’ll more than likely be doing all of my box office stuff here for a while. I just won’t promise to write so much about each movie as I did in my Box Office Preview, because a.) I don’t have time, and b.) I’m not getting paid to write this. Sorry if that’s a bit too blatantly honest, but getting paid for my writing matters to me, especially having done it for 25 years.

Before I forget, tonight, Wednesday, January 22, I’m hosting a 30thanniversary screening of Brain Dead, the freaky thriller starring Bills Pullman and Paxton, Bud Cort and George Kennedy. If you’re looking to check out crazy mind-fuck of a movie from 1990, there are still a few tickets left.

Anyway, it’s probably a good thing I didn’t get paid for last week’s column cause I way, way, WAY underestimated the power of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence to bring in audiences after 17 years since Bad Boys II. I thought the movie would make somewhere between $35 and 40 million over the four-day weekend, but it ended up making almost $60 million just over the three-day weekend, and $73 million for the four day, the second best after American Sniper. Obviously, Sony is already developing a fourth movie in the series and presumably they won’t wait another 18 years. Personally, I really liked Bad Boys for Life, as it was way better than Bad Boys II and it was a generally enjoyable and entertaining action-comedy.

Universal’s Dolittlealso did more than I predicted, but it wasn’t as vastly different, just closer to my original prediction last Wednesday before I thought I might be overestimating and lowered it. Waugh, Waugh…

Let’s get to this week…

The movie I’m most excited about this week is THE GENTLEMEN (STXfilms), which is Guy Ritchie’s return to ensemble crime comedy after his foray into large-scale Disney adaptations like Aladdin, which I quite liked, and his “Sherlock Holmes” movies, the first of which I also loved.  Ritchie has a great cast for this one including Matthew McConaughey, Charlie Hunnam, Colin Farrell, Hugh Grant, Henry Golding (from Crazy Rich Asians and the underrated 2019 film Last Christmas), Michelle Dockery (from Downton Abbey) and one of my favorite character actors, Eddie Marsan! Honestly, I don’t know very much else about the movie (as I’m only seeing it on Monday night) but I loved what I saw at CinemaCon last year, and I’ve just been such a huge Ritchie fan going all the way back to Lock, Stock and Two Smokin’ Barrels. (Sadly, I wasn’t able to interview him for this movie due to my other part-time job, but you’ll get an actual review instead!)  Also, I think the movie will do decently but probably not more than $10 million since STX is dropping it into around 2,000 theaters, which isn’t particularly wide.

Mini-Review: Back in the late ‘90s, when Guy Ritchie first made his big debut with Lock, Stock, he was coming on the tail end of a new breed of directors like Tarantino and Smith who proved that screenplay-driven ensemble movies could deliver big audiences. In the time since then, Tarantino has gotten bigger and bigger for that feat, while Ritchie has tried a lot of different things, including last year’s Aladdin.

It’s pretty exciting to see Ritchie returning to the world of crime and to jolly old England with the addition of a few Americans like Matthew McConaughey as mega-wealthy drugdealer Mickey Pearson, who has turned his upper-class connections quite literally into a farm industry. Mickey is ready to sell the business, hoping to get $400 million from Jeremy Strong’s interested investor.

The story is told through a framing sequence involving a strange character named Fletcher, played by Hugh Grant, having an extended conversation with Charlie Hunnam’s Ray, Mickey’s “fixer,” of sorts. It’s another fantastic performance by Grant that really allows him to push the envelope with a heavy cockney accent. Another great performance comes from Colin Farrell as the coach of a group of young and bratty MMA fighers who break into one of Mickey’s farms.

Using this storytelling method, Ritchie doesn’t give his entire hand away at once, instead revealing just what’s necessary to keep the viewer tuned in. The film features another witty script and it’s thoroughly entertaining, although it’s also somewhat confounding at times trying to keep track of all the characters and how they relate.

In that sense, The Gentlemen is slightly flawed, but it’s also a welcome return for Ritchie to do what he does best, and there’s no denying that there’s quite a bit to enjoy here. Rating: 7/10

The third horror movie of January (with another one next week!) is THE TURNING (Universal), a horror take on Henry James’ novel “The Turn of the Screw,” starring Mackenzie Davis (Terminator: Dark Fate), Finn Wolfhard (It) and the adorable Brooklynn Prince from The Florida Project. The basic premise involves a nanny played by Davis, who is brought to an enormous mansion to care for two kids. Once there, she is told by the kids that there are dark forces in the house, and she starts to believe them.  I had a chance to speak to the film’s director, Floria Sigismondi, an amazing visual artist whose only previous feature film was The Runaways, starring Kristen Stewart.  The movie is also written by the Hayes Brothers, who wrote the original The Conjuring, and produced by Roy Lee (The Conjuring and It), so there’s quite a decent pedigree for this movie. I also conducted a great interview with Ms. Sigismondi that you can check out on Next Best Picture.

As the third horror movie this month, I’m not sure this can deliver where the previous two (The Grudge and Underwater) failed, especially without much star power, but because it’s January, and there’s very little else to do, it can probably make $8 to 10 million in its 2,500 theaters.

Opening in moderate release this weekend  (theater count TBD) is filmmaker Todd Robinson’s THE LAST FULL MEASURE (Roadside Attractions), a military drama that the director has been trying to make for a decade. He’s pulled together an amazing cast that includes Christopher Plummer, Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris, Diane Ladd, Sebastian Stan, Bradley Whitford, Peter Fonda, William Hurt, Jeremy Irvine and Michael Imperioli. I still remember Robinson mentioning this project when I spoke to him for his excellent movie Lonely Heartswhen we spoke for ComingSoon.netway back in 2007, having seen that movie at the Tribeca Film Festival.

It involves a group of Vietnam vets trying to get a brave soldier, Airman William H. Pitsenberger Jr. (played by Irvine), the Medal of Honor for his actions on the battlefield to save them 34 years after his death. It sounds like a terrific premise, so it’s a movie I’ve been waiting to see for a very long time.  I’m not sure exactly how many theaters Roadside Attractions will release the movie into, but I doubt it will be enough to get it into the top 10, as I think it will end up making $2 to 3 million at best. (This probably would have been a good movie to release over Veterans’ Day, but I guess it was afraid of Roland Emmerich’s Midway, which did end up winning that weekend.)

Mini-Review: It’s pretty obvious what a passion project this must have been for filmmaker Todd Robinson from the time it’s taken for him to get this movie made, but once watch how this story plays out, it’s much more obvious why he was so driven. Even fifty years after the events depicted in the film’s Vietnam War flashback

It’s 1999, and Sebastian Stan plays Scott Huffman, an Air Force attorney working at the Pentagon who is assigned the duty of investigating the heroics of Airman William H. Pitsenberger Jr., who dropped into one of the bloodiest battles of the Vietnam War to save a number of soldiers. William Hurt plays Tulley, the soldier that comes to Huffman, although the lawyer tries to put him off due to the upcoming regime change. Against his will, Scott has to pursue this endeavor, so he goes to interview a number of the living men who were there on that fateful day.

What’s amazing about Robinson’s film is that while it focuses mainly on Stan’s character, the various actors he meets on his journey deliver some absolutely amazing performances, from Christopher Plummer (as the dead airman’s dying father), Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris and the late Peter Fonda.

At its worst, The Last Full Measure veers into TV movie melodrama, so it takes some of the stronger actors to drag it back. The worst example of this are the scenes between Stan and his ersatz family, which seems the most like needless scenes added to create some sort of artistic license. It probably will be little surprise that many of the names and circumstances have been changed for similar reason.

It’s a shame that Roadside Attractions doesn’t have enough faith in this movie to give this a bigger push, instead dumping it into a January weekend with little fanfare. Sure, this is certainly the type of movie that cynical film critics like tearing apart, trying to find faults over the good…. And there’s a lot of good to be had. There’s no denying that this is an important story that needs to be told, and hopefully, the audiences that might appreciate it will be able to find it. Rating: 7.5/10

What should be interesting to see if the horror film The Turning does well enough to surpass Dolittle for third place or falls just short. Either way, Universal will have three movies in the top 5, which is quite remarkable considering what a horrid December the studio had.

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $29.5 million -53%

2. 1917 (Universal) - $13 million -41% (up 1 million)*

3. Dolittle (Universal) - $10.1 million -54%

4. The Turning (Universal) - $9.3 million N/A (up .2 million)*

5. The Gentlemen (STXfilms) - $8.6 million N/A (up .1 million)*

6. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $5 million -48%

7. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Lucasfilm/Disney) - $4 million -52%

8. Little Women (Sony)  - $3.5 million -45%

9. Just Mercy (Warner Bros.) - $3.1 million -47%

10. Knives Out  (Lionsgate) - $2.6 million -40%

- The Last Full Measure (Roadside Attractions) - $2 million N/A (down .5 million)*

* UPDATE: Not a ton of changes but mainly a little bit of tweaking due to revised theater counts

LIMITED RELEASES

Not a ton of limited releases of note that I’ve seen, although I did see Richard Stanley’s sci-fi thriller COLOR OUT OF SPACE (RLJE Films), starring the one and only Nicolas Cage, and I even spoke to Stanley, an interview you’ll be able to read on Next Best Picturehopefully later this week. It’s based on HP Lovecraft’s short story, and in the movie, Cage plays an Alpaca farmer whose family is affected by a meteorite that falls on the property, causing all sorts of bizarre changes both mentally and physically. It’s another movie where Cage can go a little nuts, but I also liked the performances by Madeleine Arthur and Joely Richardson, who ALSO appears in The Turning this weekend. There are also some smaller roles from Q’orianka Kilcher (from Malick’s The New World) and the great comic, Tommy Chong.  There will be a special screening tonight in select cities with a satellite QnA with Stanley and Cage, and then it opens for real Friday. Being RLJE, it should be On Demand shortly afterwards.

Oddly, I haven’t seen any of the movies in the franchise that brings us DETECTIVE CHINATOWN 3  (Wanda Pictures/WB International), but the previous installments of director Sicheng Chen’s police action-comedy must have done well enough for people to want to see more of detectives Tang Ren (Baoquiang Wang) and Qin Feng (Haoran Liu) to get a third movie. The first movie made $120.6 million worldwide while the sequel made $544 million, so yeah, a third movie was inevitable. The sequel made less than $2 million domestically but one can expect that Chinese audiences in America will help the third movie do similarly. For comparison, the latest installment of the Ip Man franchise, starring Donny Yen, has grossed $3.5 million in North America. This will open in about 150 theaters.

Sadly, I also didn’t get a chance to see Dante Lam’s The Rescue (CMC Pictures), the Chinese filmmaker’s follow-up to his global blockbuster Operation Red Sea, before writing this column, but this is clearly one of the major Chinese tentpoles being released for the Lunar New Year movie season. It stars Eddie Peng from Operation Mekong as the captain of an elite rescue team, and it’s shot by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Oscar-winning cinematographer Peter Pau.  I’m hoping to see it this coming Friday.

Terry Crews stars as John Henry (Saban/Paramount) in Will Forbes, in this case Henry being an ex-gang member who puts aside his life of violence to take care of his aging father (played by Ken Foree from Dawn of the Dead )in South L.A. where he meets two immigrant kids on the run from his former gang leader (Ludacris), putting him in a tough spot. It will open in select cities and On Demand this Friday.

Bertrand Bonello, who made the excellent Nocturama a few weeks back, returns with his eighth feature Zombi Child (Film Movement), which is a very different take on the genre.  It draws from the true story of Clairvius Narcisse, who was reportedly zombified in 1962 Haiti, this one centering around Narcisse’s (fictional) orphaned granddaughter who is trying to fit in with the mostly white girls at her boarding school. It will open in New York at the Quad Cinemaand at Lincoln Center.

Lastly, there’s the Bollywood film Panga (FIP) from director Ashwiny Iyer Tiwari, starring Kangana Ranaut as a middle-class Indian woman and former kabaddiworld champion looking for new meaning as a wife and mother, who decides to return to the sport despite her age and responsibility to family. It will open in roughly 100 theaters.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

Opening Friday at the Metrograph is the 1stU.S. release of the director’s cut of Jia Zhangke’s 2010 documentary I Wish I Knew,which looks at the past and present of Shanghai in a documentary full of interviews with people from all different walks of life including local actresses and fellow filmmaker Hou Hsiao-hsien. It also follows Zhangke’s favorite actress Zhao Tao, who was amazing in last year’s Ash is Purest White, as she explores the site of the Shanghai World Expo Park as it’s under construction. It’s a great film to learn more about the history of mainland China, something I greatly appreciated having been such a longtime inhabitant of Chinatown.

Even more exciting is that the Metrograph is starting a retrospective series for indie filmmaker Hal Hartleythis Friday, which is exciting since I’ve been such a big fan but haven’t seen nearly as many of his films as there are out there, having only seen his debut The Unbelievable Truth (1989) a few years back, also at the Metrograph. Hal Hartley will be at the Metrograph this Friday night, January 24, and then back on February 1 for screenings of Henry Fool (1997) and its 2006 sequel, Fay Grim. This weekend, you can see Trust from 1990, Simple Men (1992), 1994’s Amateur and more.

With the nomination of Julia Reichert and Steven Bonar’s American Factory receiving an Oscar nomination, Metrograph has put together a last-minute series, “The Academy-Nominated Films of Julia Reichert and Steven Bognar,” a program of three shorts including the 2009 short The Last Truck(shown with American Factory), 1976’s Union Maids and 1971’s Growing Up Female, and the 2006 miniseries A Lion in the House.

This weekend’s Late Nites at Metrograph  is the Jackie Chan action classic Police Story (1985). Oops, I made a little error as Playtime: Family Matinees, was supposed to be Taika Waititi’s 2016 film The Hunt for the Wilderpeople, but it got changed to Peter Weir’s 1989 movie Dead Poets Society, starring Robin Williams, which is also quite good.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Besides tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” of Brain Dead (1990), they’re doing a Troop Beverly Hills “Quote-Along” tomorrow night. If that isn’t good enough, on Monday, you can see the Lonely Island’s amazing Popstar: Never Stop Stopping either as part of the monthly “Out of Tune” hosted by my pal Jeremy Wein at 7pm or at 9:30 as a Sing-Along, well except that both are very close to sold out. Next week’s “Terror Tuesday” is the Japanese horror classic Ringu (1998) (I’ll be there) and then “Weird Wednesday” is 1979’s Killer Nun.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Wednesday’s “Afternoon Classics” is Ernest Borgnine’s 1955 film Marty, and then Weds. and Thurs’ night’s double feature is Bob & Carol & Ted & Aliceand Jacques Demy’s Model Shop, both from 1969. Friday’s “Freaky Friday”… um… “Afternoon Classics” is the 1985 vampire thriller Fright Night, and Friday night’s midnight screening is Tarantino’s Django Unchained. (The Saturday midnight screening of Scorsese’s Goodfellasis already sold out.) The weekend’s “Kiddee Matinee” is Miyazaki’s How’s Moving Castleand then the Monday Matinee is the 1971 thriller Klute. (Most of the weekend evening slots are taken up by Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood, just to make sure all the Oscar voters have a chance to see it in the next couple weeks.) Monday and Tuesday night is a Henry Hathaway double feature of The Lives of a Bengal Lancer(1935) and The Trailer of the Lonesome Pine (1936).

FILM FORUM (NYC):

While the “Black Women: Trailblazing African American Performers & Images, 1920 – 2001” continues this weekend with the 1934 and 1959 iterations of Imitation of Life, as well as screenings of What’s Love Got To Do with It, the Tina Turner biopic starring Angela Basset, who received an Oscar nomination for it, and then the Film Forum Jr. screening is The Wiz, starring Michael Jackson and Donna Summer. Other movies in the series include Cleopatra Jones, Gone with the Wind and Spike Lee’s debut She’s Gotta Have it. Film Forum is also doing a special Homage to Anna Karenina, the late Jean-Luc Godard muse who starred in many of his classics including Band of Outsiders, Alphaville, Pierrot Le Fou, plus six other films will be screened beginning Wednesday and through January 30. On Sunday, Film Forum is showing Lee Grant’s 2005 documentary A Father … a Son … Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, which is about Kirk and Michael Douglas with Grant in person doing a QnA. The theater will also screen William Wyler’s 1951 film Detective Story, which stars Grant on Sunday and next Tuesday.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

This weekend begins “Cinematic Void 2020” with the Friday selection being Dario Argento’s The Cat O’Nine Tails (1971), followed on Saturday by a 5-movie Giallo Marathon, including Argento’s Opera(1987), Bava’s A Blade in the Dark (1983), Fulci’s The Black Cat  (1981), and two more. Joe Dantewill be on Sunday for his 16mm Spotlight, showing 1972’s Richard. This week’s “Sunday Print Edition” is Carol Reed’s Night Train to Munich(1940) in 35mm in the afternoon and then Richard Benjamin and Dyan Cannon will be on hand to discuss the amazing 1973 thriller The Last of Sheila, one of my favorite movies.

AERO  (LA):

Besides a matinee screening of Scorsese’s Goodfellas on Thursday (free to Cinemateque members), the AERO begins a “Ford Vs.” series with a double feature of John Ford’s The Quiet Man  (1952) with Sam Peckinpah’s classic Straw Dogs (1971). Friday is Ford’ sStagecoach(1939) with Kelly Reichardt’s Meek’s Cutoff  (2010). Saturday at 9AM, you can watch a triple-feature of Toy Story, Toy Story 2 and Toy Story 3, and then in the afternoon, the AERO will show Toy Story 4 with guests. That’s a full day of Toy Story viewing! Saturday night’s “Ford Vs.” is Ford’s The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance with Akira Kurosawa’s Sanjuro, both from 1962. Sunday night’s double is Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in the West  (1968) with Ford’s My Darling Clementine (1946). Tuesday’s Scorsese matinee is his debut Mean Streets.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

You can still catch a few of the movies in the lead-up to Bonello’s Zombi Child with another screening of I Walked with a Zombie on Weds. night, as well as De Palma’s Carrie and the Extended Director’s Cut of The Exorcist on Thursday.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon will present the classic Billy Wilder film Some Like It Hot  (1959) on Wednesday, Black Edwards’ The Great Race (1965) on Thursday and 1968’s The Odd Couple on Friday. 

IFC CENTER (NYC)

This week’s Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuelwill screen a double feature of the classic short Un Chien Andalou (1929) with the doc L’Age D’or (1930) while Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020s will screen Alfonso Cuaron’s Children of Men and Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020goes with Argento’s Suspiria… again.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

On Saturday, there will be a “Texas Chainsaw Double Feature” of the first two movies from 1974 and 1986 as part of the “Disreputable Series.” Also, the museum continues to screen Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey as part of its exhibition.

ROXY CINEMA(NYC)

The Nicolas Cage love continues on Weds. with Martin Scorsese’s 1999 movie Brinigng Out the Dead, and then on Saturday, Bottleneck Gallery will screen 1987’s The Monster Squad and 1986’s Night of the Creeps.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Friday’s night’s midnight movie is John Carpenter’s adaptation of Stephen King’s Christine (1983).

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

The New York Jewish Film Festival continues through next week so no rep stuff.

STREAMING AND CABLE

On Sunday, Netflix will stream the first season of Fast and Furious: Spy Racers, which I have little to no interest in. I have a little more interest in Star Trek: Picard, which will begin streaming on CBS All Access on Thursday.

That’s it for this week. Next weekend is the Super Bowl, but that’s not gonna stop the releases of Gretel and Hansel(U.A. Releasing) and Blake Lively’s The Rhythm Section (Pararamount).

[itsomgitsgreenblogging]

New Perspective: A Solangelo Fanfiction

Drew’s the best and also the worst, and also I haven’t written a lot of witty dialogue lately, I missed that. So you know I had to bring back some of the snap. Also all the lube available and Nico with a ponytail. Cause you know, those things should never be mutually exclusive in fanfiction ;) 

(this fic takes place after the events of Lover-Cares)

Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Preview:

“Nico, what the heck?” Austin said, looking rather startled. “Did you seriously just refer to yourself in the third person.”              

“It’s never too early for some good old fashion dissociation and self-hatred my guy,” Nico said with a probably terrifying half-smile half-baring of teeth he cheers his coffee and downed it. Noting Kayla and Austin’s genuinely unamused faces, he scoffed. “My comedic skills are lost on you people, I swear.”

“—I’m just saying, Drew Tanaka can shove it up hers if she has enough room besides the giant stick up her butt,” Kayla fumed, and Nico couldn’t help but look up from where he was absentmindedly stirring him cream of wheat. “I swear sometimes I just want to smack that girl upside the head, and the Stolls, and—“

               “—and Nico di Angelo, by the gods he’s such an asshole am I right?” Nico said irritably as he took a sip of his coffee, watching as Sebastian from Aphrodite Cabin and Malcom from Athena Cabin got into an argument about if Beyoncé was or was not the most influential philosopher who tackled the properties of love and relationships in modern time.

               “Nico, what the heck?” Austin said, looking rather startled. “Did you seriously just refer to yourself in the third person.”

               “It’s never too early for some good old fashion dissociation and self-hatred my guy,” Nico said with a probably terrifying half-smile half-baring of teeth he cheers his coffee and downed it. Noting Kayla and Austin’s genuinely unamused faces, he scoffed. “My comedic skills are lost on you people, I swear.”

               “It’s more like you have a really screwed up sense of humor but alright man whatever floats your boat,” Kayla said with a shrug.

               Nico stewed in his general daily angst, definitely not upset that he hadn’t seen Will all morning because he was in charge of taking care of a camper, no, Nico was not that petty. Or at least, he was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t as he sat in the shadow of a tree that was diagonally across from the infirmary, a book laying on his lap that Nico wasn’t reading. He hadn’t managed to get any alone time with Will in so long, he was actually missing Will even though he had seen Will every single day, and his head wasn’t feeling so great.

               Pathetic, Nico thought at himself angrily, wanting to bash something or break something to get the raw feeling out from beneath his nails and his head. Get used to being around people and suddenly you are clinging again.

               “Oh hey there lover-boy, what’s the reason for the doom and gloom and the fact you obviously haven’t combed your hair?” Drew Tanaka said as she placed one hand on her hip and looked down at Nico as if he had walked out of his room wearing only orange from behind her pink eyeliner.

               “Oh wow, it’s almost like I can hear something…but I can’t quite make it out over the sound of all the hot air escaping your face,” Nico said saintly.

               “You are lucky you are hot and an asshole,” Drew Tanaka scoffed. “Otherwise being around you would be a chore.”

               “I’m gay, Drew.”

               “First off sweetie,” Drew said with the inflection she would give “cancer” or “Walmart clothing sale”, “did I say I wanted to suck face with discount Brendon Urie from circa 2005? No I did not. Stop projecting your insecurities onto me, every time you do so another fabulous bitch like me gets a blister when walking in heels to the club. Secondly just because you are gay does not mean you stop being hot. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. “Mutually exclusive” meaning two things that cannot both be true at the same time, like eating bread on the Atkins diet or Ellis Wakefield not wanting to suck Markowitz’s dick when he walks into a room. Being gay and attractive can definitely both happen so deal with it, and it makes your shitty attitude worth it because I can appreciate good bone structure when I see it.”

               “Drew you are an awful human being,” Nico told her seriously, rubbing his temples adamantly. “Like really, is something wrong with you?”

               “What can I say, I’m just keeping it real,” Drew said with a toss of her hair. “So what’s got your panties in a twist? Is it Will?”

               “Drew, if you seriously think I’m going to talk to you about relationships you have another thing coming,” Nico said with a vague ache starting up behind his eyes.

               It was when Drew and Nico were about to have their version of a heart to heart (which was basically them insulting each other) when it sounded like the Asphodel Fields broke out in the center of camp. It looked like Butch from Iris Cabin was barely holding back Sherman as Lacy, Mitchell, and Sebastian milled on the edge of the archery fields. Julia Fiengold, who was good friends with Lacy, had planted herself by Lacy’s side but looked concerned as Alice casted a few solid glares in Sherman’s direction (and Nico wouldn’t have been surprised if she was carrying some serious prank artillery with her). Clovis had somehow fallen asleep on one of the white lines in the center of the archery field, and Nico found himself somewhat glad for it as Will had emerged from the infirmary to try to drag him off with the intervention of Lou Ellen and Cecil Markowitz—though they had all apparently dropped Clovis mid-carry as the fight broke out as he was snoring, looking rather at peace on the grass.

               “So what’s going on?” Nico asked in general as he and Drew approached the chaos.

               “Oh, you know, the daily life at CHB,” Will said weakly. “Honestly they had been arguing when I got here, I think things started escalating.”

               “What you are saying is disrespectful to all the warriors—!” Sherman half-screamed, looking very much like he wanted to shove Lacy out of a moving car. “Get off me Brony!”

               “Ugh, man, do not make me regret this or I swear!” Butch snapped at him.  

               “I was just saying…!” Lacy half-sobbed, her brothers who were comforting her looking like they were planning to switch out Sherman’s spears with makeup brushes and for Cover Girl makeup and lots of highlighter to be in Sherman’s immediate future.

“Wait, can we all hold up a hot second! What is happening and why is Tweedle Dumber threatening Lacy?” Drew said, holding out her hands and flipped her dark hair out of her face. There was charmspeak laden in her words, and with the threat of physical violence gone, the actual situation came out.

“So I was Iris messaging with Piper and she said that her dad told Jason he knew a plastic surgeon that could fix his lip and how Jason thought that was funny. But I said, oh that might be a good idea for scars, and then Sherman overheard me!” Lacy blurted out, her words a tumble of panic.

“A warrior should take pride in his scars, anything else is a weakness!” Sherman snapped back at her. Drew looked like she just rolled her eyes so hard she might have sprained something, and Nico just sat back and let the madness start as Drew opened her lipsticked-lips.

“Okay so I hear that Jason’s got some scars. I wouldn’t really know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with him on the account of someone cough cough Piper cough cough being absolutely sure I’m a homewrecker. I don’t know what the big deal is. If you don’t like something about your body, you should just change it. Or maybe not, maybe Jason needs his scar to get into some lesbian biker gang or maybe he’s leaving Piper and going on an Eat-Pray-Love style self-discovery vacation and the scars will help him sell his memoir as “a man with a troubled past takes the road to new enlightenment”. Anyways, it’s not like we haven’t all thought about something like that. I’m convinced every time that Jackson opens his gab Annabeth reasons over the pros and cons of mouth reduction surgery. I’m sure Butch’s thought of getting that rainbow tramp stamp removed because let’s be honest he’s not slaying the ladies with it—“

               “Drew I am going to kick you in the head—!“ Butch threatened.  

               “—Cecil has probably rifled through pamphlets about fixing that huge beak of his because he isn’t really using it to break nuts and seeds over here. And Alice has definitely thought about getting an eye-deslanting.”

               “Screw you Drew, that’s racist,” Alice Miyazawa scoffed, as Cecil suddenly turned to Lou Ellen who gave him an apologetic look in return.

               “Self-hating Asians oughtta stick together,” Drew retorted with a shrug.

               “I don’t think that’s necessarily true, Drew. I mean, sure, everyone has insecurities, but it’s also good to try to embrace them,” Will told Drew as he placed a hand on Alice's shoulder to keep the girl from giving Drew a probably well-earned knuckle sandwich.

               “Oh please, Solace, you’ve got a weird spiral belly button. You could frost it and pass it off as a cinnamon bun,” Drew said with a roll of her eyes, Nico had to cover the laugh of surprise that came out of him with his hand, and Will gave him a long-suffering look. “I’m just saying, there’s this thing called plastic surgery. It’s science. And if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see and also have the means, you should go for it. If you don’t want to, don’t. Simple as that. Passing judgment is so un-hot, and who knows? Maybe Jason will wake up from general anesthesia and realize who the hotter child of Aphrodite that he could be with is. Either way, what people do or do not decide to do with their bodies is no one else’s choice,” Drew said before with a final hair flip and sway of hip, Drew was off to terrorize another section of camp. With Hurricane Drew now over, the campers who had gathered dispersed to mutter amongst themselves, Sherman and Ellis and Butch grabbed Clovis by his appendages and dragging him off the field as he slept talk about Great White Sharks, macaroons, and a tennis racket.

               “I hate that girl with a fiery passion, but by all the Gods she’s a freaking insult-genius,” Lou Ellen said with a sort of strange awe.

               “And she really loves what she does,” Cecil said just as quietly. “She has a gift.”

               “Yeah she’s something alright,” Will noted before looking to Nico with an almost shy grin, bumping his shoulder against Nico’s. “Hey there, long time no see.”

               “Oh yuck, mushy feelings. We’re out,” Lou Ellen called as she and Cecil made kissy faces at Nico and Will before also walking off.  

               “How’s the infirmary?” Nico asked him as they began to walk, he tried to pat his hair down absently.

               “Not so busy, were you really busy? You look like you just rolled out of bed,” Will noted and Nico sighed heavily.

               “I desperately need a haircut,” Nico groaned, twisting a lock of hair around his fingers and trying to get it out of his eyes.

               “Well, why don’t I at least get you a hair tie? Kayla keeps a whole bunch on the desk,” Will offered.

               They walked to Apollo Cabin in companionable silence, when they got there Nico sat down on the bed as Will grabbed one of Kayla’s dark hair ties from her desk and his own brush. Kayla and Austin were spending their free period helping Nyssa and Harley with some new target practice gadget, so for once in a long time Cabin Seven was quiet.  

               “My hair’s pretty thick,” Nico warned him as well approached with a few things in hand, a brush among them.

               “I’ve got some spray in stuff,” Will offered, holding up a very suspicious slender bottle filled with what Nico would have assumed was a cream based dessert.

               “Isn’t that Aphrodite stuff?”

               “Personal grooming is not just an Aphrodite Cabin thing,” Will scoffed and Nico resisted making a son-of-Apollo-joke before Nico allowed him to do whatever he was planning on by motioning to the spot next to him, and he couldn’t help but sigh as Will’s fingers ran through his hair. “You have really nice hair though.”

               “It’s so dratted thick,” Nico scoffed, tugging at a renegade curl. “And it curls weirdly. I was thinking of maybe shaving it.”

               “Really?” Will asked and Nico felt the gentle tug of the brush through his hair.

               “Yeah, when my dad first gave me my card I tried to go to the hair dresser’s, but when they were shampooing my head and they started rubbing my scalp and stuff I really couldn’t take it. I almost kicked the lady in the leg,” Nico admitted awkwardly with a shudder at both the memory and how nice whatever Will was doing felt. “I’ve been trimming it myself ever since, I sort of forgot to though.”

               “That sounds like you,” Will laughed, and Nico could almost hear Will’s smile. That was the nice thing about Will’s voice, it didn’t hide anything, it was pure and genuine. “You aren’t a huge fan of other people touching you, are you?”

               “It’s hard when you don’t know them,” Nico groaned. “I’m normally fine when it’s people I don’t hate. You’re just too laid back.”

               “Maybe,” Will chuckled good-naturedly and Nico leaned his head back so he could see Will’s bright and slightly sheepish smile. “Hazard of the healing arts. I’ve gotten used to people touching me out of the blue because I heal them. I think your hesitance is one of your cute features anyways.”

               “You’re a weirdo,” Nico said with a roll of his eyes.

               “You’re the one dating a weirdo, what does that say about you?” Will asked, and with gentle fingers his pulled the hair that was about his neck up into a tie. Immediately, Nico felt his warm lips press against the back of his neck, making Nico jump slightly at the unexpected sensation. Will immediately moved back, but Nico grasped his arm and kept him close.

               “I know things have been awkward since…since last time,” Nico said quietly. “But I want you to touch me, I do.”

               “But you…you really hated it,” Will nearly whined, sitting back on his heels. “Honestly, I’m fine being on the bottom for the rest of my life if it makes you so uncomfortable.”

               “I didn’t hate it, I just froze,” Nico corrected him, before sighing heavily. “I’m…there’s a thing about me I wish I could change I guess.”

               “If you want to talk about it I’m open ears?” Will asked, and didn’t push. There was no trace of judgment in his features, and somehow that made Nico feel even more desolate.

               “I just…I’m always worried I’m being selfish.”

               “Nico, you are the most unselfish person I know,” Will said, eyes wide with shock, as he sat back on his heels thoughtfully. “I mean, holy Hera, you almost killed yourself for your friends and everyone else. You are constantly putting other people before yourself.”

               “I…” Nico tried to begin to explain, but just shook his head. “It’s just hard for me is all. Sometimes I feel like I don’t see you as much as I want to, but I know you’re busy. And then when I do see you, I’m uncooperative.”

               Will was quiet for a moment, before he felt Will’s hands slip beneath his shirt, Will’s mouth tenderly pressing against the back of his neck. Nico gasped as Will’s fingers brushed against his nipple.

               “Nico, this doesn’t feel uncooperative. This feels sensitive,” Will sighed as he continue to tease with loving mouth and hands in a way that made all of Nico’s blood travel south.  “And I would never want you to change that. So what if it takes a bit for you to get used to my touch? The fact I get to touch you at all makes me happy and then you make these noises that turn me on so much.”

               “Greedy asshole,” Nico snarked, turning to meet Will’s lips, opening his mouth so he could pull Will in deeper. Nico reached over to palm the very obvious heaviness in Will’s great sweatpants and smiled against Will’s lips. “Someone else is pretty sensitive too.”

               “Oh, yes, sometimes it’s good to be selfish,” Will told Nico with a sweet look that could have melted Nico, and Nico lay down and let Will lay his body on top, reveling in the delicious weight. “Especially when you have someone like me who could be happy spoiling you for the rest of your life. But please, give me a head’s up? I’m not a mind-reader so I appreciate specific directions.”

               “I can be pretty demanding,” Nico said somewhat weakly, reaching up to trace Will’s cheek. “If you give me a little bit, I’ll just want more.”

               “And I can be pretty stubborn, anything you want, I’ll be happy to give you,” Will promised him. “Just let me, Nico. Tell what you want.”

               “Can we try…again?” Nico asked, but his words stopped as Will caught his hand and kissed it, perking up immediately as Nico’s gaze drifted over to the left.

               “Of course,” Will asked him and Nico nodded and reached over to the bedside table Nico had been eyeing and opened up the drawer.

               “How should I…um?” Nico asked him and Will shrugged.

               “Do whatever you think will make you the most comfortable,” Will said as he unscrewed the bottle and almost doused his fingers in it, warming the lube between his fingers.

               “Alright,” Nico said, laying down on his stomach, helping Will place a pillow beneath his hips.

               “You can be selfish with me, Nico,” Will promised him as he kissed Nico’s neck and shoulder comfortingly, and Nico shuddered as he felt Will’s fingers gently rub against his entrance. Nico couldn’t understand why it felt so good, his whole body jolted as Will’s slick finger slid inside, the intrusion not entirely pleasant or unpleasant as he moved it. “Relax, as much as you can.”

               “It feels…weird…!” Nico admitted between clenched teeth, forcing his body to remain relaxed despite what urges he felt. He wanted to try this, Nico reminded himself.

               “Does it hurt?” Will asked worriedly and Nico shook his head. “Here, I’m going to add another one. Try to stay as loose as you can, alright?”

               Nico nodded and gripped the pillow, just as a second finger pressed inside of him with the help of ample lube. Nico fought and lost against the desire to clamp down, and his lack of control over his body’s reaction was damn near infuriating to him. As if sensing this by Nico’s stiff-lipped reaction Will reached down to slide his hand along Nico’s length, which had softened considerably at the previous activities. The smooth, almost comforting sensation of Will’s hand on him, and the gentle probing finally got Nico to relax.

               “It’s okay, Nico. You’re doing so good right now,” Will promised as he kissed Nico’s back.

               “Ugh…this feels so bizarre,” Nico couldn’t help but groan as he turned his head and gave Will a look.  

               “Does it hurt?” Will asked as his fingers continued to move inside Nico, and with him massaging and rubbing him on the inside and outside, a thankful sigh escaped Nico’s mouth. It was beginning to feel vaguely pleasant now, and he naturally relaxed against Will’s touch.

               “Trust me, you would know if it hurt,” Nico promised him. He could do this, Nico thought very rationally. It certainly didn’t feel bad, and judging by the hooded expression and the evidence of Will’s desire pressed against his thigh, if Will wanted to do this then—

               Suddenly Will found something inside of Nico that made him surge with pleasure, and his breath caught harshly in his throat. Will’s fingers hit it again more adamantly and Nico moaned into the sheets as he pressed back against Will’s fingers as he searched against for that feeling.

               “There!” Nico moaned demandingly. “Oh Gods, is that what I hit in you? Oh—that feels so good.”

               “Nico, allow me to introduce you to your prostate,” Will chuckled good-naturedly, as close as they were Nico could feel that rumble in Will’s belly, and it made Nico’s face get hotter.

               “Don’t be a dork,” Nico groaned. “Just do whatever you just did again.”

               “Alright then, needy,” Will teased, as Will’s fingers continued to scissor and rub and hit the plac inside of him that felt so good that Nico’s vision swam. His cock ached with desire, and Will removed his hand to grab the bottle and add a third very slick finger inside and Nico felt so full and so good that he couldn’t think straight. He wanted—needed more.  

               “I want you inside,” Nico blurted out, his hand reaching blindly and clamping on Will’s wrist. “Will, I want to feel you on the inside.”  

               “Shit!” Will said sharply, and Nico stared at him in concern. Will answered it with a delightfully embarrassed expression. “Sorry, that was—that was just really sexy, like whoa.”

               “Um…sorry?” Nico said, feeling himself blush hard because had those words really come out of his mouth? He couldn’t believe it himself.

               “Don’t be sorry, I feel like I deserve a pat on the back,” Will said with a wide smile that Nico returned before turning, hooking Will’s hips with his legs, and pulling Will down on top of him. Both of them laughed into their mouths as they kissed with more intensity, Will fumbling with the foil on the condom. He rolled it on and slicked it with lube, before reaching back to Nico with newly spread fingers.

               “No, I don’t need anymore more,” Nico complained half-heartedly, but spread his legs as Will’s fingers sank inside of him with relative ease. Oh Gods, Nico thought before his thoughts went fuzzy as Will crooked a finger and found a weak spot that had his jaw hanging open. He could get addicted to this, and now he totally got why Will was totally into this.

               “We have to make sure it doesn’t hurt, don’t we?” Will teased as he kissed Nico’s neck.

               “Just put it inside me,” Nico half-begged, half-growled.

               “Are you ready? You sure?”

               “Yes,” Nico agreed, his head nodding vigorously.

               “Alright then, your wish it my command,” Will chuckled, and Nico felt him line up and slid inside.

               They both moaned, the sensation was intense to say the least. There was the barest twinge of discomfort, but he had been so thoroughly prepared that it disappeared quickly as Will seated himself fully inside. What mattered most was the divine sensation that was making him tremble.

               “Oh Will,” Nico gasped breathlessly, wrapping his legs around Will’s hips as Will trembled. “I can feel you.”

               “I feel you too,” Will moaned, his eyes fluttered, and Nico couldn’t help but find his expression to be utterly adorable. “Oh gods you are so perfect, Nico. I love you so much.”

               “Yeah? Does it feel good?” Nico asked, unable to stop himself from smiling an odd grin as Will nodded desperately. “You can move, Will. I want you too. If it hurts I’ll tell you, I promise.”

               “You promise?” Will asked, faking being very obviously suspicious.

               “You’ll be the first to know, scout’s honor,” Nico said making a Live-Long-and Prosper sign with his hands. Will laughed and leaned down to press a kiss to Nico’s forehead.

               Will began to move in gentle controlled thrusts, Nico suspected it was half for him and half to keep Will from coming. But he couldn’t help but enjoy and be frustrated by the movements in equal measure because while it didn’t hurt, Will’s broad shoulders and larger chest was making Nico feel oddly caged. Finally, Nico pressed up on Will’s shoulder’s.

               “Will, I can’t breathe,” Nico told him between kisses. “Maybe change position?”

               “Yeah, uh, what do you want to…?” Will asked with a hitched breath as he pulled up, Nico let Will sit himself against the headboard and settled himself firmly on Will’s lap. “Better?”

               “Yeah, I can—oh,” Nico groaned as he latched onto Will, arms wrapped around Will’s back. In this position he could feel Will’s length, pressing in deep and filling him. Will bent down and their mouths melted against each other, and they rocked together, slightly unsteady as they worked together to find the perfect angle, or when Will reached down to grasp him, or Nico bucked up unexpectedly as Will once again struck his prostrate. Finally something was building up, white hot pleasure that Nico almost wished could keep building inside of him forever so he could keep burning with it, but it couldn’t happen. Nico moaned into Will’s mouth and felt himself come into Will’s hand. Will continued to move for a moment or two, thrusts uneven, and Nico felt a pulsing inside as Will came into the condom.

               Nico lay down as Will removed the condom and threw it out, falling back on the bed with an exhausted huff.

               “So what did you think?” Will asked, as they both tried to catch their breath and curling his arms around the pillow in front of him. Nico normally would have chastised him for getting sweat all over his pillows, but with Will stretched out looking so content and with those golden arms of his Nico just couldn’t fault him. Instead Nico grabbed the nearly empty lube bottle and held it up with a crook of his brow.

               “Are you kidding?”

               “What, you were totally into it and you were super hot and it helped, you’ll be thanking me when that wow-that-seat-was-uncomfortable ache doesn’t turn into a holy-shit-was-I-hit-by-a-train ache,” Will told him as he gave Nico a grin and a thumb’s up as he placed the bottle on the bed side table.

               “You are insufferable did you know that,” Nico sighed as he turned over to kiss Will’s shoulder and give his back an absent scratch, which had Will sighing in pleasure. “But yeah, that was pretty hot.”

               “Mm, I must have done something right for you to be so good to me,” Will said as he turned his head to look at Nico, eyes a deep hazy blue, a warm grin glinting across his teeth.

               “You are an idiot,” Nico sighed as he leaned down to kiss him. “But you are also disgustingly sweet.”

               “Don’t say it like a compliment or I’ll believe you like me or something,” Will teased as he pushed up to meet Nico’s mouth again.

               “How embarrassing that would be,” Nico murmured between brushes of lips. “It was good, Will.”

               “I’m totally down if you want to torture me with those sexy pianist fingers next,” Will told him, and Nico honestly couldn’t tell if he was being serious or joking. “I have more lube in my cabin—“

               “Will, seriously—?“    

               Nico sat down to get his hair cut by Mitchell, and could see Drew smirk at him from the corner of his eye. Nico immediately flipped her off. 

               Just another day at CHB. 

[caniacwrites]

NHL Playoff Preview - East Play-in Matchup 3/4: CAR vs NYR

Hello, and welcome back to my series preview each of the upcoming matchups for the qualifying round of the 2020 NHL playoffs! Today, we’re taking a gander at the third matchup in the Eastern Conference, the Carolina Hurricanes vs the New York Rangers.

So here we are: the write-up I’ve simultaneously been looking forward to and dreading. I feel like I should include a disclaimer here, that I grew up in Raleigh and I’ve been a Hurricanes fan all my life. I’m going to try to be as unbiased as possible (while also not overcompensating so much that I end up conveying an opposite bias), but it’s a tricky balance to strike. Also, by dint of being a Canes fan, there’s also the simple fact that I know more about Carolina than I do any other team, so I’ll likely end up giving them more focus. Still, I’ll do my best to keep it relatively even.

Ok, so first off, there’ve been a lot of jokes being made about how Carolina was one of two teams to vote against the Return to Play plan as it was proposed, that they did that because they were scared of playing against the Rangers. There was more to it than that, which I won’t go into here, but also... the joke works because it’s kind of true.

The Canes have lost 19 of their last 20 games at Madison Square Garden including both this year, en route to dropping all 4 games of the season series against the Rangers. Henrik Lundqvist has been a Cane-Killer his entire career, and unfortunately, his two young protegées Alex Georgiev and Igor Shesterkin both seem to have inherited that trait from him. So many of the Hurricanes’ recent losses to New York that I can remember were almost single-handedly won by the Rangers’ goaltender, whoever it happened to be on that particular night. And in the playoffs, running up against a hot goalie is a death sentence.

New York

Of course, the Rangers have a lot else to talk about, too. FA signing from Columbus Artemi Panarin is easily a leading candidate for the Hart with his 63 assists - tied for 2nd in the league with Connor McDavid - and 95 points. He’s shattered his previous career high by 8 points in 10 fewer games, and was on track to record 110+ in a full-length season. Mika Zibanejad has benefitted enormously from playing with Panarin, also setting a new career high in points in 25 fewer games. He’s also one of just five players in the NHL to score 40+ goals.

Panarin and Zibanejad may be the superstars, but their lineup isn’t top-heavy. The Rangers have seven players who have scored at least 40 points - two of whom are defensemen, Adam Fox and Tony DeAngelo - and four who have at least 50. Chris Kreider and Pavel Buchnevich, two speedy, strong forwards, both had great seasons, and will need to continue to be key factors for the Rangers to make a deep playoff run.

New York is still a pretty young lineup, though, and it remains to be seen if they can buckle down and play playoff hockey. If they want to succeed, they’re going to need a little more depth production from guys like 2019 2nd overall pick Kaapo Kakko and Philip Chytil.

Carolina

Like the Rangers, the Hurricanes also have a good balance of point-producing stars and bottom 6 depth. Sebastian Aho finished the shortened season with a career-high 38 goals in 68 games, up from 30 in the full 82 game season last year. If not for the virus can cancellation, he would’ve easily eclisped 40 and likely even gotten to at least 45. Even so, he was tied for 20th in the NHL in points and tied for 6th in goals.

Aho’s fellow Finn Teuvo Teravainen has also continued to be a consistent producer with 63 points.

Andrei Svechnikov, the #2 pick in the 2018 draft the year before Kakko, has also really begun to come into his own this season. He set career highs in all three offensive categories with 24 goals and 37 assists for 61 points in just 68 games, obliterating his rookie year totals of 20 goals and 17 assists for 37 points in the full 82 games. 

Carolina is one of only five teams with 3 or more 60+ point scorers. The other four? Edmonton (Draisaitl, McDavid, Nugent-Hopkins), Tampa Bay (Kucherov, Stamkos, Point), Toronto (Marner, Matthews, Tavares), and Winnipeg (Connor, Scheifele, Wheeler, Laine). I don’t know about you, but I think that’s some pretty good company.

Carolina’s depth scoring has been a slight problem at times, but the acquisition of Vincent Trochek at the deadline and the return of Justin Williams were already starting to improve that in the short time before the season was cancelled.

There’s also going to be a lot of attention on the Canes’ goaltending duo Petr Mrazek and James Reimer. They’ve been very good at times but have also struggled for consistency, and it’s going to be vital that they be able to backstop the Canes from the crease.

Injuries

I’m giving this one a whole section because it’s huge. The Hurricanes are going to be getting some big pieces back from injury by the time the qualifying round begins. Brett Pesce will still be recovering from shoulder surgery, unfortunately, but Ryan Dzingel and Sami Vatanen will both be available for the start of the series vs New York.

By far the most important return for Carolina, though, will be Dougie Hamilton.

Hamilton is, to use a phrase of Tripp Tracy’s, “the straw that stirs the drink,” in so many ways. He’s a cornerstone of both special teams units, a reliable defender who also provides tons of offense. Before he got injured, he’d notched 14 goals and 40 points in 47 games and was a leading candidate to be nominated for the Norris trophy for Best Defenseman. He was on track for a career-high 20+ goals and 70+ points, until an unfortunate collision in mid-January fractured his fibula and kept him out for the rest of the shortened season. The positive impact of what his return will do for the team can’t be understated.

Defense

That leads me nicely into the next thing I wanted to touch on briefly: defense. The Rangers corps of defensemen is really good.  They have some great young players in Fox, DeAngelo, and Jacob Trouba, and veterans Marc Staal and Brendan Smith to help anchor them. 

But Carolina’s group is incredible, easily one of the best in the league. Jaccob Slavin is one of the most consistent players in the entire NHL. You always know what you’re going to get from him, and it’s always going to be top-tier defense. When he’s reunited with his now-healthy partner Dougie Hamilton, the Hurricanes’ top pairing has few equals.

Additionally, the acquisitions of Brady Skjei and Sami Vatanen at the deadline could make Carolina’s defensive pairs look something like this:

Slavin - Hamilton

Gardiner - Skjei

Edmundson - Vatanen

That’s an exceptional lineup that has a great balance of helping boost the offense of prodiving solid defense. And that even leaves out Trevor van Reimsdyk and Haydn Fleury as healthy scratches - both of whom have been really good this year - and of course, the injury to Brett Pesce. Carolina has a plethora of skilled defensemen, and now that they’re (almost) all going to be healthy, the Hurricanes are going to be even more dangerous than before.

Special Teams

The last thing I want to talk about before I reveal my prediction is, as usual, special teams. And honestly, it doesn’t make the final decision any easier. These teams continue to be very evenly-matched, even in the special teams department.

Thanks to their strong groups of star forwards and high-talent offensive defensemen, both teams have dangerous powerplays. The Rangers with the 7th best PP at 22.9%, and Carolina came in right under them in 8th with 22.3%. But Carolina’s PP is going to hugely benefit from returning Hamilton and Williams to the top unit and adding Trochek and Vatanen to the second unit, so I think I give them a slight edge.

There’s another reason I think that, though. The Hurricanes penalty kill is very good - 4th in the NHL, in fact, at 84%. They’re also tied for 2nd in the NHL with 10 shorthanded goals, 4 of which have been scored by Sebastian Aho. The Rangers, meanwhile, have the 9th worst PK at just 77.4%. 

Final Prediction: Carolina, 3-2

Now I know what you’re thinking, of course I picked Carolina. And I admit, it is partially because that’s who I want to win. And yes, there’s the Curse of MSG to consider. But Carolina could still win the series even without winning a game in New York. The bottom line is that both of these teams are very closely matched and there’s a lot that could swing the series either way. For the Hurricanes to win, they need to capitalize on their powerplay chances to solve the Rangers goaltending, and they need Mrazek and Reimer to be at their best. If they can get those things, I think the Hurricanes will win.

Be sure to stop by tomorrow for my look at the final play-in matchup in the East, the Pittsburgh Penguins vs Montreal Canadiens!

CaniacWrites

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Armchair Analyst: Your complete guide to the Week 32 MLS slate

October 5, 20181:01PM EDT

Only three full weekends (and one partial weekend) left in the 2018 regular season. Here we go:

Saturday Slate

Montreal Impact vs. Columbus Crew SC 3 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Montreal are going to bunker – it’s what they do, and it’s what they’re best at. But their bunker can be blown up by clever attackers working between the (wildly compressed) lines, as Toronto FC showed last month and as D.C. United showed last week:

Federico Higuain is a much different type of No. 10 than Lucho Acosta. Acosta’s an almost pure attacker who has little to do with organizing the game, while Higuain’s role is about 180 degrees from that. He moves and organizes and is in charge of system maintenance rather than pure chance creation.

That means it comes down to the Columbus wingers, both of whom dive inside and hit gaps that the passing of Higuain and Wil Trapp create.

So once again, it comes down to this: If Justin Meram and Pedro Santos produce, Crew SC are among the best of the best in this league. If they don’t, they’re a fourth place team in the conference.

As for Montreal, if the defense holds and they pick up the full three points, they buy themselves another week of life against D.C. United’s resurgence. But they need that win – a draw won’t do.

Atlanta United vs. New England Revolution 3:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

The “flat-track bullies” question has come roaring back to life for Atlanta United, and the numbers make it easy to see why:

Against teams with 50 or more points this season: #RBNY 6-1-1 (18 GF, 5 GA)#ATLUND 1-4-2 (11 GF, 13 GA) #MLS

— Dylan Butler (@Dylan_Butler) October 1, 2018

That question won’t be answered this week. What will be answered – at least in part – is “how will the Five Stripes handle another super-intense, super-physical pressing team?” The Revs have been a horror show for months in terms of actually going out there and getting results, but they still try to play hard, fast and relentless pressing soccer. They commit a ton of fouls and accrue a ton of yellows. They try to make every single play into a 50/50.

Atlanta couldn’t handle that last week (against a much better team, but still). In a lot of ways it’s probably a good thing to just get back on that horse.

Toronto FC vs. Vancouver Whitecaps 5 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

The only real question in this one is whether TFC will give Sebastian Giovinco the weekend off ahead of his Italy return (they should, even if he wants to play). There are no playoff implications here – there’s no realistic path into the postseason for either of these teams.

Philadelphia Union vs. Minnesota United FC 7:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

What Philly did last weekend in Columbus remains one of the most underappreciated outings of the year by anyone:

Fifth game in 15 days

Second road game that week

Three days after losing a final

At an Eastern Conference team above them in the standings

Playing a rotated squad

All of that and they got themselves a lockdown scoreless draw that keeps open the real, honest-to-goodness hope of a home Knockout Round game to start the playoffs. Hell, if the Union take care of business in these next two home games, then their Decision Day trip to the Bronx could end up being for third place in the East.

But they have to take care of business, and against Minnesota that means keeping track of Darwin Quintero. More than anything, you can’t let him get on the ball and drive through the middle of the field, because when he does that, your defense gets compressed:

Philly have been really good this year at not allowing opposing playmakers to rearrange them like that (Higuain couldn’t do it last week). It’s a fundamental thing that’s a big part of their identity, and it’s unlikely they’ll forget about it at this point in the season. But it’s probably a good reminder to have about what the field’s most valuable real estate is.

FC Dallas vs. Orlando City 8 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Dallas are still top of the Western Conference, but it’s been a month since they scored a goal from open play. New No. 10 Maxi Urruti has created three chances from open play in that time, and it seems pretty clear that the rest of 2018, from an FC Dallas point of view, is going to be about efforting the opposition into some sort of submission. They have a ton of guys who will run themselves into the ground and haven’t really been using the guys that can pass – at least, not the attacking guys – and so far, so good.

There is a new question up top, of course, as Cristian Colman tore his ACL this week and is done until 2019. That could open the door for Dom Badji, who had a promising first 45 minutes with FCD but hasn’t really been the same since Ozzie Alonso stomped his foot, or perhaps Tesho Akindele will get another shot at being a No. 9. Both of them put the ball in the net more than Colman, so there’s at least some positives to the trade-off.

But really, the overall point is that the Orlando City defense is where teams with questions have gone to get answers all season long. Dallas should be fine here (and if they’re not, then they will hear about it in my Sunday night column). 

Sporting KC vs. LA Galaxy 8:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Here’s my colleague Bobby Warshaw on SKC:

I think SKC is the best team in the West, and the 3rd best in the league. The way they move the ball, the way they create chances, their ability to lock down defensively (when they’re focused). They are one of a few teams in the league that consistently control games. But they’ve been dropping points, specifically against playoff teams. They play well, they look like the better team, then they end up tying or losing. And I don’t know how to explain it, or whether they will stop doing it.

Sporting have fallen relatively flat over the past two weeks after an unusually torrid August and early September. That’s typically when SKC’s season falls apart, but instead in 2018 they won six of seven – five by shutout – before hitting a couple of bumps in the road the last two weeks.

The last 20 minutes against RSL last weekend, though, looked better. And I’ll point to an obvious reason why:

Nemeth (70 mins.) – 1 SOG, 0 key passes, 14 touches Rubio (20 mins.) – 2 SOG, 1 key pass, 12 touches #SportingKC

— Nathan Martin (@NMthenoise) October 1, 2018

Diego Rubio’s not going to keep up his insane scoring rate, which is unsustainable. But he’s been lively and precise in the final third pretty much every time he’s been on the field since May. They looked something much more like their old selves once he got out there, and while it wasn’t enough to get the win, it’s enough to remind the rest of the West of just how good this SKC attack has been when it’s whole.

And that will likely be the test for the newly reconstituted Galaxy backline. Forget all the Zlatan stuff – he’s remarkable and that should be well understood by now. What really matters for LA is that they’ve gone out and pitched two straight shutouts, and done so by exhibiting a collective buy-in when out of possession.

What I mean by that is simple and uncomplicated, as is their scheme: When they lose possession, they push up and get as close as possible to the nearest opponent. It’s not a “high press” in the same way that we see the Red Bulls high pressing, but the principle is the same.

Bobby, however, sees potential issues:

I’m not sure what to make of the Galaxy. The Seattle win was impressive, but the Vancouver victory was tough to gauge. They scored on two penalties and a horrible defensive mistake(s), and didn’t exactly carry the game. The defensive intensity has been nice to see, but it’s unclear whether it will work on SKC – they have one of the most composed center backs under pressure (Besler) and maybe the most composed defensive mid under pressure (Ilie) so SKC might find a lot of space beyond Galaxy’s first wave of pressure.

If SKC are going to punish LA, that’s where and when it will happen.

This is the keystone game for a lot of the weekend, by the way. If LA somehow get a win, it makes things much, much more interesting for RSL, Portland and Seattle.

Colorado Rapids vs. LAFC 9 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Things are bleak in Commerce City:

Last 6 games, #Rapids96 have lost every game & have been outscored 19 to 1. Similar Rapids six game runs: 2014: 0-4-2, outscored 19 to 6. 2007: 1-5-0, outscored 11 to 3. 2001: 0-4-2, outscored 14 to 8. … In other words, by GF-GA, this is the worst 6 gm run in team history.

— Mark Asher Goodman (@soccer_rabbi) October 1, 2018

This is another chance for Bob Bradley to figure out if Carlos Vela and Adama Diomande can develop any sort of chemistry in attack.

Real Salt Lake vs. Portland Timbers 9:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

And here is the other truly ginormous game of the weekend – provided that the Galaxy win (again: not a result I’d bet on, but still). If RSL lose at home here, and the Galaxy win, RSL are suddenly in seventh place and below the playoff line. If Portland lose, they stay above the line – but only by a single point, and given how they’re playing, the abyss probably awaits.

So this one’s big. And the result will hinge upon one big thing:

Portland still rely upon their fullbacks in order to get width into the attack. That makes sense – lots of teams do this. Their best chance in last week’s dour scoreless home draw against Dallas came from right back Zarek Valentin pushing up:

But it also leaves them vulnerable when the ball’s turned over in bad spots, and means they have a hard time cutting crosses out. Teams have gotten tons of good looks against the Timbers from the wings lately.

Now, RSL are not a get-it-wide-and-cross-a-ton team, but they are a team that nonetheless generates a bunch of their attacks from their wide play. If the Portland fullbacks push too far upfield, look for the RSL wingers to run this game.

The other area to focus on is (duh) central midfield. Sporting didn’t get the win last week, but they put RSL under constant pressure and forced more than just a few dangerous turnovers out of Kyle Beckerman and Sunny. Those types of midfield turnovers are what gave the Timbers the runway they needed back in spring and summer when they went on a 15-game unbeaten run (which now seems very long ago indeed). 

San Jose Earthquakes vs. New York Red Bulls 10:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

If this past weekend’s huge result over Atlanta is going to matter at all in the grand scheme of things, RBNY need to fly across the country and win this game. The Quakes have been better under Steve Ralston – they’ve played some pretty, effective soccer, using the ball through the midfield and getting their wingers into positions where they can make plays. But many of the same problems that doomed Mikael Stahre have cropped up over Ralston’s 270 minutes, and RBNY should be well-equipped to punish any sort of carelessness at the back and in goal.

Look for San Jose’s deeper-lying midfielders to try to play a lot of long diagonals over the RBNY press. If the Quakes are going to find room, that’s where it will be.

Sunday Matinee

D.C. United vs. Chicago Fire 1 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Let’s take a minute to appreciate the work Wayne Rooney and Acosta have been doing together for United:

That’s what the Fire have to stop. Period.

Monday Night Special

Seattle Sounders vs. Houston Dynamo 10:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Seattle had one of their best performances of the season last weekend, and much of it ran through Nicolas Lodeiro:

The build up to the Sounders first goal on Saturday was something else. Lodeiro had six touches on the goal, five passes, a shot and the assist…oh, and he also managed to take out @CristianRoldan pic.twitter.com/6d371hVu4e

— Sounder At Heart (@sounderatheart) October 2, 2018

His ability to pop up anywhere when Seattle are on the ball is what gives the Sounders their shape, and what makes him so hard to stop. Watch that clip again, and imagine you’re the defensive midfielder whose job it is to organize against all of that. What do you do?

We’ll find out what Juan David Cabezas’s answer is on Monday night. Do not sleep on the Dynamo – their season’s over, but they’re a much better team with him on the field, and they’d be only too happy to ruin Seattle’s year given what happened in 2017’s playoffs.

One More Thing to Ponder

You hear that? That is the sound of inevitability.

Happy weekending, everybody.

Series: 

Topics: 

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Armchair Analyst: Your complete guide to the Week 32 MLS slate was originally published on 365 Football

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2018 NFL Preview: What are the Seahawks doing?

Yahoo Sports is previewing all 32 teams as we get ready for the NFL season, counting down the teams one per weekday in reverse order of our initial 2018 power rankings. No. 1 will be revealed on Aug. 1, the day before the Hall of Fame Game kicks off the preseason.

(Yahoo Sports graphics by Amber Matsumoto)

When the Seattle Seahawks’ brass wakes up, the first thing it should do is thank the football gods for Russell Wilson.

NFL teams dream of landing someone like Wilson. The New York Jets have been searching for a quarterback like Wilson since Joe Namath, and he hasn’t played for them in more than 40 years. The Chicago Bears have been searching longer than that, since well before the Super Bowl was even dreamed up. Many teams have undergone long searches to find an elite quarterback. The Seahawks have one, and he’s just 29 years old.

Wilson is undeniably great. He had a fantastic 2017 and if we didn’t shut our minds to a player on a non-playoff team being MVP, Wilson could have won the award. The Seahawks are slipping, but the clearest path back to the top is through their amazing quarterback.

Yet, the Seahawks seem to see it differently. I like Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, and general manager John Schneider too. They built a great championship team in Seattle. But as some of their stars have gotten older and left, they seem to be grasping at how to remain a contender. Their main focus this offseason seemed to be minimizing Wilson, the one advantage they still have, in favor of running the ball more. It’s confusing.

“We have a real formula of how we win and we have been unable the last two years to incorporate a major aspect of that and it’s running the football the way we want to run it,” Carroll said, according to the team’s transcripts. “I think you see tremendous examples around the league of teams who have turned their fortunes around and they have turned it around in a formula that I think should sound familiar to you. [By] teams running the football. Teams playing good defense and doing the kicking game thing. That is the formula that has proven historically the best in this game. We have been committed to that from the start but unfortunately we have not been able to recapture it the way that we have in years past.”

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He was serious. The Seahawks hired offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer, who is a staunch believer in a run-first offense. They drafted running back Rashaad Penny in the first round, a move that surprised everyone and didn’t make much sense given Seattle’s many other needs. Pass catchers Jimmy Graham and Paul Richardson left in free agency, and nothing substantial was done to replace them.

And if that wasn’t enough, Schottenheimer made sure everyone knew what this offense’s focus would be.

“You’ve got to have the ability to run the football when people know you are going to run the football,” Schottenheimer said, according to the Seattle Times.

You have to run the ball when people know you’re going to run the ball? When you have one of the best quarterbacks in football? Yep, that sums up the Seahawks’ mantra this offseason. I don’t get it.

I understand there’s nuance involved. The Seahawks aren’t going to become the 1973 Buffalo Bills and run 75 percent of the time. Some balance isn’t a bad thing. But it’s a fallacy to believe the best path back to greatness is through more run plays.

First of all, NFL teams pass to run, not the other way around. Most teams pass to get a lead, then use the running game to finish. Teams that rely heavily on the run usually do so out of necessity — they would change course immediately if they had a potential Hall of Famer at quarterback.

Many Seattle fans will argue the Seahawks’ championship formula was Marshawn Lynch and defense. But the 2013 Seahawks defense doesn’t work here anymore. That unit was incredible, and in Super Bowl XLVIII it had one of the best single-game performances by any defense in NFL history. The 2018 Seahawks defense isn’t in the same conversation as that group. Wilson was also a young quarterback in 2013; he hadn’t yet blossomed into one of the NFL’s best. Running the ball and playing defense was a great formula for that team five years ago. For this Seattle team, with a defense that isn’t bad but certainly slipping, and without a Hall-of-Fame-level running back like Lynch, running “when people know you are going to run the football” doesn’t make any sense.

It’s understandable why the Seahawks are searching for ways to hang onto the past. This era has been amazing. But there were signs of erosion last season. While the Seahawks weren’t a bad team last season, they went 9-7 and missed the playoffs. Depending on what happens with Earl Thomas’ contract situation, the Seahawks could be without Thomas, practically retired safety Kam Chancellor, defensive linemen Sheldon Richardson, Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett, and cornerback Richard Sherman from last year’s defense. The offense took some hits too. A declining NFL power had a brutal offseason.

Perhaps because some key mainstays will still be around – Wilson, receiver Doug Baldwin, linebackers Bobby Wagner and K.J. Wright, Carroll and Schneider – it has gone a bit unnoticed that these Seahawks have undergone a massive change.

“With those guys leaving, or some guys leaving and some guys not being here, it’s sad,” Baldwin said. “It changes the dynamic of the team in some ways. Obviously, like I said, the energy is different.

“At times it’s sad because I’ve grown up with [Sherman] in this system, in this organization and we built something special here together, in terms of the culture and the championship atmosphere. But going into the unknown, there’s a level of excitement because we have an opportunity to continue that and bridge the gap between what has happened in the past and what’s new and hopefully continue that championship legacy.”

It’s a new era in Seattle. When you have a quarterback like Wilson, you shouldn’t slip too far. Do the Seahawks understand Wilson is the one asset that gives them the best shot at returning to glory?

Last season, Pete Carroll’s Seahawks missed the playoffs for the first time since the 2011 season. (AP)

I hated the Seahawks’ draft. With all their needs – pass rusher, interior defensive line, safety, cornerback, receiver, offensive line and tight end are all legitimate needs now – taking running back Rashaad Penny in the first round was a weird choice, especially since Seattle has been very good at finding quality running backs in the bargain bin. The offseason buzz about running back Chris Carson reinforced that the Seahawks could have used their draft assets in a better way. The Seahawks also drafted a punter before an offensive lineman. The biggest deal the Seahawks handed out in free agency was to 30-year-old tight end Ed Dickson, who has averaged 248 receiving yards in his eight NFL seasons. Receiver Brandon Marshall was signed, but he looks like he’s near the end. They needed to find a new kicker after Blair Walsh cost them dearly last season, but the main move there was signing Sebastian Janikowski, who is 40 and missed all of last season with a back injury. The Seahawks had a lot of talent leave the building, not much came in, and very little was done to help Russell Wilson.

GRADE: F

I would say it’s having one of the NFL’s elite quarterbacks, but I’m not sure the Seahawks agree. It is possible the defense doesn’t slip too far, despite some great players leaving. Frank Clark is a good pass rusher. Bobby Wagner is a great middle linebacker, and running mate K.J. Wright is underrated. I assume Earl Thomas will be on the field at some point, and he is one of the best safeties in the game. They still have some talented defensive backs; even with Thomas, Kam Chancellor and Richard Sherman missing time last season, the Seahawks still allowed a quarterback rating of just 79.1, the eighth best mark in the league. Nobody will confuse this group with the 2013 or 2014 defense. But it shouldn’t be bad.

Part of the Seahawks’ focus on the run game meant they ignored the pass game in the offseason. Doug Baldwin is an exceptional receiver. And he might get half of the team’s targets. Tyler Lockett could be a good No. 2 but he’s no sure thing. Lockett did not rebound well from a horrible leg injury suffered in 2016. Nick Vannett is the best pass-catching tight end on the roster, and he has 156 yards in two seasons. Brandon Marshall has 942 yards and three touchdowns over his past 20 games spanning two seasons, and he’s 34 years old. There’s not much to like further down the depth chart either. The Seahawks should have been trying to sign Allen Robinson or Sammy Watkins, or at least re-sign Jimmy Graham or Paul Richardson. Instead, they decided they wanted to be a ground-and-pound offense.

In Week 4 against the Indianapolis Colts last season, J.D. McKissic ran 30 yards for a touchdown to give Seattle a third-quarter lead. Why does that matter? That is the only offensive touchdown the Seahawks scored all last season that didn’t involve Russell Wilson. The Seahawks scored 38 offensive touchdowns last season and Wilson ran or threw 37 of them. We might never see something like that again. I don’t care what the Seahawks’ record was, Wilson should have gotten serious MVP consideration (Minnesota Vikings linebacker Anthony Barr agrees with me).

It’s unclear how the Earl Thomas situation will shake out. It’s surprising the Seahawks haven’t paid him yet, or traded him if they don’t plan to give him a deal. Thomas might be the most important player the Seahawks have had over their great run, even more valuable than Russell Wilson, Richard Sherman or Marshawn Lynch. His ability to dominate deep in the secondary has allowed the Seahawks to be extremely aggressive on defense. They know Thomas can erase mistakes in front of him. However, Thomas’ name was floated in trade rumors this offseason and then he announced he will hold out of “any team activities until my contract situation is resolved.” It’s hard to predict what will happen in contract standoffs, but don’t doubt that the proud Thomas would stay away indefinitely. Don’t forget he has also had retirement thoughts in recent years. The Seahawks, who have lost a tremendous amount of talent, can’t afford to play hardball here.

From Yahoo’s Scott Pianowski: “Although Doug Baldwin has ranked quite well over the last three years (WR8, WR10, WR13), he’s done it through efficiency and not volume. He’s been targeted a modest 344 times in that period, with a high of 125. This could be the year Baldwin finally is forced the ball like a true elite receiver; the Seahawks lost Jimmy Graham (their red-zone guy) and Paul Richardson in the offseason. Throw in a shaky, declining Seattle defense and a Baldwin pick looks appealing, especially if you can snag him in the third round. Every NFL player is an injury concern on some level, but Baldwin answers the bell — he’s missed just two games over seven seasons. Riding shotgun with elite quarterback Russell Wilson is an obvious plus.

“Even some of the softer factors line up — Baldwin has always been a film-study guy and a maximum-effort player; he desperately wants to be the best player he can be. Seattle needs Baldwin more than ever before, and you want to be in on this ride.”

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While the NFL is trying to find the next brilliant, progressive offensive mind, the Seahawks hired Brian Schottenheimer as their offensive coordinator. His record shouldn’t excite anyone, and nor should his run-first approach in a pass-first NFL world. Schottenheimer has been the coordinator of nine offenses, and only one (2010 Jets) finished higher than 16th in yards gained. Seven of his nine offenses finished 20th or lower. Since his first offense (2006 Jets), every Schottenheimer offense has finished 21st or worst in net yards per passing attempt. Even his results in the run game aren’t great: Six of his nine offenses finished 19th or worse in total rushing yards and six finished 15th or worse in yards per attempt. In fairness, Schottenheimer never had a quarterback as talented as Russell Wilson. But when people complain about the recycling of coaches in the NFL, this is one instance they can point to.

IS THE SEAHAWKS’ OFFENSIVE LINE ANY BETTER?

For years, everyone has known the Seahawks’ offensive line was a problem. Yet, it made strides last season.

The in-season trade with the Texans for tackle Duane Brown helped a lot, and Brown should be much better this year. Brown held out deep into last season and then had to switch teams shortly afterward. Still, he calmed down a terrible left tackle situation. It’s a clear upgrade.

Free-agent addition D.J. Fluker has never lived up to his promise as a former first-round pick, but he cost just $1.5 million over one year. With Fluker probably slotting in at right guard, the Seahawks are projected to start three former first-round picks and two former second-round picks on the line. Draft pedigree isn’t everything, but it’s better than some of the other plans the Seahawks have tried the past couple years.

A promise to run more of a power scheme and less of a zone-blocking scheme might help, particularly with former first-round pick Germain Ifedi, who has been a bust to this point. Oft-criticized line coach Tom Cable is gone as well.

While the line isn’t great, it has gotten a little bit better, mostly thanks to Brown.

Part of me assumes that when push comes to shove, the plan to “run the football when people know you are going to run the football” is going to take a back seat and Russell Wilson will be asked to carry the team again. He can do it. What Wilson did last season was amazing. This is a team with a championship pedigree, and it had five losses in games decided by seven points or less last season (three of those losses were by a field goal or less). They were an unlucky 9-7. Any team with a quarterback like Wilson should at least be in contention for a division title, and that’s on the table for Seattle.

Again, having Russell Wilson means the floor can’t be too low. The Seahawks are in major trouble if Wilson gets hurt, but that’s true for many teams. I can see the Seahawks finishing below .500, however. Brian Schottenheimer was an uninspiring offensive coordinator hire, new defensive coordinator Ken Norton’s three Oakland Raiders defenses never finished better than 20th in yards or points allowed, and I believe I’ve mentioned how confusing Seattle’s offseason was. A six- or seven-win season wouldn’t be a disaster for some teams, but it would be horrible for a Seahawks team that put together a mini-dynasty this decade.

The Seahawks seem to be stuck on the idea they’ll be better off with more Rashaad Penny and less Russell Wilson. We’ll see if words turn into action, but I’m not encouraged. The Seahawks’ moves this offseason spoke loudly. The amount of talent the Seahawks lost this offseason has not gotten enough attention, for some reason. They lost multiple players who should be in the Seahawks’ Ring of Honor, and some could end up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame (especially if Thomas never returns). I’ve enjoyed this Seahawks run. They’ve been compelling and dominant. I’m not biased against Seattle, Pete Carroll, Starbucks coffee, the Space Needle or anything else I’m sure Seahawks fans will scream about. I simply don’t like or understand the direction they went this offseason. The over/under win total for the Seahawks in Las Vegas is either 7.5 or 8, and the under seems like the right play.

32. Cleveland Browns 31. Indianapolis Colts 30. New York Jets 29. Arizona Cardinals 28. Buffalo Bills 27. Cincinnati Bengals 26. Chicago Bears 25. New York Giants 24. Miami Dolphins 23. Washington Redskins 22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21. Houston Texans

More from Yahoo Sports: • Jason Pierre-Paul shares horrific photo reminding people to stay safe on July 4th • Ex-wrestler claims Rep. Jim Jordan witnessed lewd shower acts at OSU • Report: Raiders CB sues woman who accused him of rape • Ranking Carlos Gomez’s dugout meltdown among the other great ones

– – – – – – –

Frank Schwab is a writer for Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at shutdown.corner@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter! Follow @YahooSchwab

[cryptobitmonkey]

The bitcoin whales: 1,000 people who own 40 percent of the market

© PATRIK MOLLWING FOR BLOOMBERG BUSINESSWEEK

On Nov. 12, someone moved almost 25,000 bitcoins, worth about $159 million at the time, to an online exchange. The news soon rippled through online forums, with traders arguing about whether it meant the owner was about to sell the digital currency.

Holders of large amounts of bitcoin are often known as whales. And they’re becoming a worry for investors. They can send prices plummeting by selling even a portion of their holdings. And those sales are more probable now that the cryptocurrency is up nearly twelvefold from the beginning of the year.

About 40 percent of bitcoin is held by perhaps 1,000 users; at current prices, each may want to sell about half of his or her holdings, says Aaron Brown, former managing director and head of financial markets research at AQR Capital Management. (Brown is a contributor to the Bloomberg Prophets online column.) What’s more, the whales can coordinate their moves or preview them to a select few. Many of the large owners have known one another for years and stuck by bitcoin through the early days when it was derided, and they can potentially band together to tank or prop up the market.

“I think there are a few hundred guys,” says Kyle Samani, managing partner at Multicoin Capital. “They all probably can call each other, and they probably have.” One reason to think so: At least some kinds of information sharing are legal, says Gary Ross, a securities lawyer at Ross & Shulga. Because bitcoin is a digital currency and not a security, he says, there’s no prohibition against a trade in which a group agrees to buy enough to push the price up and then cashes out in minutes.

Regulators have been slow to catch up with cryptocurrency trading, so many of the rules are still murky. If traders not only pushed the price up but also went online to spread rumors, that might count as fraud. Bittrex, a digital currency exchange, recently wrote to its users warning that their accounts could be suspended if they banded together into “pump groups” aimed at manipulating prices. The law might also be different for other digital coins. Depending on the details of how they are structured and how investors expect to make money from them, some may count as currencies, according to the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.

Asked about whether large holders could move in concert, Roger Ver, a well-known early bitcoin investor, said in an email: “I suspect that is likely true, and people should be able to do whatever they want with their own money. I’ve personally never had time for things like that though.”

“As in any asset class, large individual holders and large institutional holders can and do collude to manipulate price,” Ari Paul, co-founder of BlockTower Capital and a former portfolio manager of the University of Chicago endowment, wrote in an electronic message. “In cryptocurrency, such manipulation is extreme because of the youth of these markets and the speculative nature of the assets.”

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The recent rise in its price is difficult to explain because bitcoin has no intrinsic value. Launched in 2009 with a white paper written under a pseudonym, it’s a form of digital payment maintained by an independent network of computers on the internet‚ using cryptography to verify transactions. Its most fervent believers say it could displace banks and even traditional money, but it’s only worth what someone will trade for it, making it prey to big shifts in sentiment.

Like most hedge fund managers specializing in cryptocurrencies, Samani constantly tracks trading activity of addresses known to belong to the biggest investors in the coins he holds. (Although bitcoin transactions are designed to be anonymous, each one is associated with a coded address that can be seen by anyone.) When he sees activity, Samani immediately calls the likely sellers and can often get information on motivations behind their sales and their trading plans, he says. Some funds end up buying one another’s holdings directly, without going into the open market, to avoid affecting the currency’s price. “Investors are generally more forthcoming with other investors,” Samani says. “We all kind of know who one another are, and we all help each other out and share notes. We all just want to make money.” Ross says gathering intelligence is legal.

Ordinary investors, of course, don’t have the cachet required to get a multimillionaire to take their call. While they can track addresses with large holdings online and start heated discussions of market moves on Reddit forums, they’re ultimately in the dark on the whales’ plans and motives. “There’s no transparency to speak of in this market,” says Martin Mushkin, a lawyer who focuses on bitcoin. “In the securities business, everything that’s material has to be disclosed. In the virtual currency world, it’s very difficult to figure out what’s going on.”

Ordinary investors are at an even greater disadvantage in smaller digital currencies and tokens. Among the coins people invest in, bitcoin has the least concentrated ownership, says Spencer Bogart, managing director and head of research at Blockchain Capital. The top 100 bitcoin addresses control 17.3 percent of all the issued currency, according to Alex Sunnarborg, co-founder of crypto hedge fund Tetras Capital. With ether, a rival to bitcoin, the top 100 addresses control 40 percent of the supply, and with coins such as Gnosis, Qtum, and Storj, top holders control more than 90 percent. Many large owners are part of the teams running these projects.

Some argue this is no different than what happens in more established markets. “A good comparison is to early stage equity,” BlockTower’s Paul wrote. “Similar to those equity deals, often the founders and a handful of investors will own the majority of the asset.” Other investors say the whales won’t dump their holdings, because they have faith in the long-term potential of the coins. “I believe that it’s common sense that these whales that own so much bitcoin and bitcoin cash, they don’t want to destroy either one,” says Sebastian Kinsman, who lives in Prague and trades coins. But as prices go through the roof, that calculation might change. 

BOTTOM LINE - It’s not necessarily illegal for big holders of some cryptocurrencies to discuss trading with one another. That puts small buyers at a disadvantage.

Source

http://msn.com/en-ca/money/markets/the-bitcoin-whales-1000-people-who-own-40-percent-of-the-market/ar-BBGsjYu

[guardmesherlock-rowan]

Personal headcanons/theories/behind my fanfiction

For the one year anniversary I’m going to share some headcanons I have about these characters or just some fun things I’ve thought about the game

The platonic route - if they were to do one, MC would end up needing help from members of the three groups: ‘M’, 221B (this includes George), and Mycroft/Jeremy/Hercule.  Maybe not everyone, but enough that she becomes friends with them all by the end and has excuses to continue staying in her own apartment and hang out with them as friends afterwards.  The guys would still fall for her, but she would be stuck at that wondering if they really do stage.

Karaoke - This one is more just for the fun of it.  Thinking that MC could convince them a few times to get a karaoke party room with her, and it becomes an opportunity for them to try and get closer to her.  The first half of the party they can volunteer, the second half the others volunteer each other.  Though it basically becomes a game the second half to get the seats next to MC cleared.

The routes are practice - This might be because I started with James’s route, but it’s fun to think that the guy in question wrote a script and got MC to perform it, and that script is the route.  Which is one of the reasons for the preview.  Course I also have fun with this to think of the commentary between people between the parts. (not likely but fun)

Mycroft was hiding his sadistic nature - So he has an album full of pictures for Sherlock, and suggested that Mikah start one.. I’m betting that he starts one for MC after she moves back in with him.  Hide & Kiss hinted at him wanting to tease her more, and thus possible he starts messing with her later.  Trying to see all the facets of her expressions and personality so he could record them and view them later in the album.

They hint the season 2 - okay less of a headcanon but more of a theory.  @cinnamonteaandbiscuits and I were discussing and noticed how they brought up a Ripper victim in Sherlock season 1 happy ending, and how James showing up in the Happy and Blissful endings for Mycroft might mean he causes mayhem in Mycroft season 2.  I have even more theory on how that might go... maybe I’ll do a different post about it?

They’re all a little bit Yandere - just some of them hide it better than the others.  They all have a desire for MC to be with them with varying degrees of obsessive/possessive and what kind of yandere they are.

Mikah hasn’t shown his true colors yet - Now I’ve pointed out in other posts how I feel that the characters hide parts of themselves that they don’t think MC would like.  Mycroft and his nature to mess with those he cares about.  James’s violent streak.  In regards to Mikah I feel he’s showing only the things he thinks MC likes, and we haven’t seen the real him yet.  He spent these last six years picking up traits from others in his life to become whom he thinks she’ll like.  He’s modeled his life in a way to become what he thought she wanted at the time, every club, career, activity, all because she shown interest in it at the time.  In that one scene from ‘Start Something’ where he declines a movie because ‘it’s not in his character’.  That can’t be good for his mental health...

Jack’s or Sebastian’s routes would be stressful - now I have had my freak outs over set ups I don’t like (talking about you James season 2) but i’m pretty sure in the set up for a relationship with either Jack or Sebastian, James would have to be unavailable.  Meaning they would either be working with MC reluctantly, or working for James to watch her.  Either case if they develop feelings for her Jack would be aggressive because he doesn’t trust women (Sherlock’s observation) plus he’s the Ripper... and Sebastian would be cold and stand offish.  Both making for a stressful and angsty love story.

The game will most likely continue - they have been doing a lot of it's back this summer for various games.  The only other game they've discontinued that I know of is Oz because they 'ran out of characters'.  We still have plenty more to go, and they have only called this the first anniversary.  It might be a translation situation, but I honestly believe they have more in plan.  They could've made the album change between the character selection as it does in Hide & Kiss, but it doesn't.  It wouldn't make sense to leave the other three spots empty along side Mikah.  SWD has shown, with Once Upon a Time (their new game), that they might go quiet if they are dealing with a hiccup they think they can fix.  We've also seen and guessed at changes in artists and writers which also might've slowed down their process.  But I honestly believe we just wait and there will be more.  In the meantime we have each other to write scenes, fanfictions, headcanons, draw, and create fan content for each other.  I love this community so much, and you've all been amazingly supportive even when I take forever.  I'm excited to see what they have in store for us  in regards to Guard Me Sherlock, because I believe we will see an announcement for a second anniversary next year.

[junker-town]

Ohio is the rare MAC team with a unique identity: disturbingly steady

Frank Solich has been at the wheel since 2005, while the rest of the conference changes hands constantly.

Around the 44-minute mark of this week’s Podcast Ain’t Played Nobody, Steven Godfrey and talked about how hard it can be for a casual fan to differentiate between programs in the MAC.

Bill: You’ve got the teams that habitually struggle: so Akron, Kent State, Eastern Michigan on average, before last year. You have the teams that have clearly shown a lot of upside, but in the MAC, if you show a lot of upside, it means you lose your coach a lot, and then you start over, and then you show upside again. So, Bowling Green...

Godfrey: Northern Illinois.

Bill: Central Michigan probably falls into there. Miami (Ohio) has hit a little bit of a downturn, or did and might be on their way out of it. For a long time, of course — you know, Cradle of Coaches — they prided themselves on hiring a great coach, losing him to a big school, and then hiring another great coach.

You’ve got your volatile teams. Western Michigan for a long time was either good or terrible but never the best. Toledo has been, on average, by far the best team in the conference over the last five, 10 years ... hasn’t won a MAC title in that time because somebody’s always been better, or they’ve lost the one game they can’t lose.

Ohio is an interesting one because they were one of those destitute programs before Frank Solich showed up.

Godfrey: So Ohio does defy the stereotype, but that doesn’t necessarily make them watchable. It’s just that they have a coach who you can say will be there.

Bill: Yeah, they are sound, and they are going to give hell to better teams ... that will probably beat them. Basically, that’s Ohio’s rep at this point.

There’s such a thing as podcast shorthand, where you end up sharing a lot of thoughts that are not quite fully formed or researched. It is the biggest plus and minus for the format. But I think most of what I said holds up.

From an S&P+ perspective, WMU ranked either 10th in the MAC or among the top three nine times in an 11-year span (2005-15) without making a MAC Championship appearance.

Toledo has ranked either first or second in the MAC in S&P+ for all but one season since 2010. And the Rockets’ last MAC title game appearance was 2004.

And then there’s Ohio. Reliable Ohio. In 2005, Solich inherited a destitute program, with no bowls since 1968 and two winning records since 1983. In six seasons in Athens, Jim Grobe twice finished above .500, and that was enough of an accomplishment to score him the Wake Forest job.

Solich took this bottom-of-the-barrel program and turned it into something. Per S&P+, they ranked second in the MAC in his second season and 10th in 2008. Since then: third, fifth, eighth, sixth, seventh, ninth, fourth, and sixth.

When no one is capable of controlling the MAC East, Ohio swoops in and takes the crown. The Bobcats did so in 2006, 2009, 2011, and 2016. Their four title appearances in that span are second to only NIU.

Of course, they’ve lost in all four. Akron and Buffalo have combined for two appearances and two titles. WMU broke through last year. Miami, Bowling Green, and Toledo have each won a pair, and NIU and CMU have three each.

Ohio’s job in the MAC has been to play the role of “gritty big-game opponent that Team A finally overcomes in the fourth quarter.” The Bobcats do it in MAC title games, and they do it in bowls — they gave 10-win Troy fits before falling by five in 2016, did the same to 11-win Appalachian State in 2015, and led a 10-win ECU in the fourth quarter in 2013 before losing by 17.

This is a fine life. Compared to Ohio’s pre-Solich existence, it’s a great life. Ohio is the steady Good Guy, the Bill Pullman-in-Sleepless in Seattle who loses to the leap of faith.

At 72, Solich has shown no signs of either speeding up or slowing down. Ohio dealt with injuries in the offensive backfield in 2016 but rode defense to another division title. And in 2017, the offense looks like it could rebound, and the defense has to rebuild up front.

If Bowling Green doesn’t bounce back, or Miami (Ohio) isn’t quite ready to build off of last year’s late surge, or Akron can’t overcome a brutal schedule, the Bobcats could win another division title all the same.

2016 in review

2016 Ohio statistical profile.

Last year’s Ohio preview talked about a team that was supposed to have an interesting backfield of quarterback JD Sprague and running back A.J. Ouellette. But Sprague left the team in August due to thoracic outlet syndrome, and Ouellette injured his foot three carries into the season and was lost for the year.

The offense never settled. New quarterback Greg Windham dealt with ups, downs, and injuries, as did new No. 2 running back Maleek Irons. Only one of the top four receiving targets played in all 14 games. And for good measure, the two-deep in the secondary got reset quite a few times as one DB after another suffered knocks.

The result: an offense that started slowly, a defense that produced a wide array of outcomes, and a team that was neither good enough to win easily or bad enough to get blown out. Nine of Ohio’s 14 games were decided by one possession, and only one was decided by more than two.

Ohio fought well against good teams but mostly lost. It let bad teams stick around but mostly won. The caliber of opponent almost didn’t matter.

Ohio vs. S&P+ top 75 (1-3) — Avg. percentile performance: 35% | Avg. yards per play: Opp 5.8, Ohio 5.3 | Avg. score: Opp 28, Ohio 24

Ohio vs. No. 76-plus (7-3) — Avg. percentile performance: 35% | Avg. yards per play: Ohio 5.5, Opp 4.8 | Avg. score: Ohio 27, Opp 21

Ohio’s offense was basically the same against everybody, and the defense found slightly more success about bad teams than good. But the range was as small as you’ll see.

Offense

Full advanced stats glossary.

Since Sprague was going to be a senior anyway, Ohio headed into 2016 knowing it would be replacing its starting QB in 2017. It just turned out that it would be replacing Windham instead.

Quinton Maxwell got a bit of a head start. He took over the starting role midseason, and after some ups and downs against EMU and Kent State, he looked great, if inefficient, in wins over Toledo and Buffalo. He completed only 19 of 38, but with 375 yards, four touchdowns, no picks, and a passer rating of 167.6. He looked downfield for big plays and scrambled efficiently at times.

He was also a redshirt freshman, and freshmen who look for big plays tend to make a lot of mistakes. Maxwell fumbled eight times, and after his two-game flash, his passer rating plummeted to 103.2 in a loss to CMU and a low-scoring win over Akron. Despite Ohio clinching the MAC East under Maxwell’s watch, Solich elected to go back to a healthy Windham for the MAC title game and bowl.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Quinton Maxwell

Longtime Ohio coordinator Tim Albin employed the Protecting Your Limited Quarterback approach, passing frequently on standard downs and rushing frequently on passing downs to keep opponents off-balance. (Granted, some of those passing downs rushes were scrambles.) It was basically a more extreme version of the Bobcats’ 2015 attack, which featured mobile quarterbacks Sprague and Derrius Vick.

Maxwell is mobile enough, but at 6’3, 223 pounds, he’s the most quarterback-sized quarterback Ohio has had in a while. He’s got a big arm that he doesn’t mind using, and it will be interesting to see if Albin employs him in more of a standard way, giving him more downfield looks on passing downs.

A lot of that will depend on Maxwell’s developing maturity and the line’s ability to protect him. The Bobcats return three starters up front and five linemen with starting experience, but all-conference right tackle Troy Watson is gone.

A lot more will depend on what exactly Ohio’s rebuilt receiving corps has to offer. The top three wideouts (Sebastian Smith, Jordan Reid, Kyle Belack) are all gone, and the only returnees targeted more than 20 times last year are utility man Papi White (47 carries, 78 targets), tight end Troy Mangen, and sophomore Elijah Ball.

Now, you could do worse than those three. White was a big-play machine out of the slot in the second half of the season (last six games: 23 catches, 438 yards, five touchdowns), Mangen has been a three-year contributor, and Ball is a former star recruit. If a new, exciting target emerges from a pool of well-regarded freshmen (redshirts Keevon Harris and Cameron Odom, February signees Brevin Harris, K.J. Minter, and Willie Cherry), that might be enough.

It should help that there are some exciting options in the backfield. Ouellette, a nice efficiency guy, returns, as do last year’s explosive (but not particularly efficient) rushers, Dorian Brown and Irons. If Maxwell isn’t ready to carry the offense, these three could handle a decent load.

Glenn Andrews-USA TODAY Sports

Papi White

Defense

Both Albin and defensive coordinator Jimmy Burrow have been with Solich’s Ohio since the beginning. This almost unheard-of continuity has contributed to Ohio’s steadiness, but while the offense has had quite a few ups and downs, the defense has improved of late. After ranking between 79th and 93rd in Def. S&P+ each year from 2011-14, the Bobcats ranked 57th and 61st, respectively, the last two years.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Javon Hagan

Pulling off nearly the same defensive rating last year was a feat, considering how much ridiculous turnover Ohio had to deal with in the secondary. The Bobcats came in having to replace eight of its top nine tacklers in the backfield, which almost guarantees regression in your pass defense. Then, they had to deal with an exploding two-deep — of the 10 players who made at least one tackle per game (a sign of being a regular contributor), only four played in all 14 games. The other six missed a combined 34 games.

Five of those 10 regular DBs were either freshmen or sophomores, including safety Javon Hagan and corners Kylan Nelson, Jalen Fox, and Mayne Williams. Hagan and Nelson each picked off three passes.

Ohio’s pass defense regressed only from an excellent 34th in Passing S&P+ to a solid 68th. The secondary played conservatively, and an excellent pass rush picked up some slack. Six players made at least three sacks, and Ohio ranked 19th in Adj. Sack Rate.

In 2017, it will be the secondary’s turn to pick up slack: eight of those 10 regular DBs return, while four of those six pass rushers do not.

For that matter, five of the top seven linemen are gone. Nose tackle Cleon Aloese and end Kevin Robbins are decent anchors, and Burrow employed a deep bench up front last year, meaning players like tackles Tony Porter and Kent Berger and end Trent Smart saw action. But Ohio is only an injury or two away from deploying freshmen or redshirt freshmen up front.

The return of middle linebacker Quentin Poling (for what seems like his 16th year in Athens) will help. Poling has been an exciting contributor since his freshman year, when he combined 7.5 tackles for loss and five sacks with three interceptions. If the tackles can stand up blockers, Poling and fellow senior Chad Moore will make plays.

Still, depth is a concern. If the starting lineup remains mostly intact, Ohio should have another strong defense.

John Rieger-USA TODAY Sports

Quentin Poling

Special Teams

Ohio made up for its mediocre offense with mostly strong defense and excellent special teams. Kickoffs were an issue, and Papi White wasn’t amazingly productive in punt returns, but Michael Farkas’ punts were unreturnable (he combined a 40.9-yard average over 69 kicks with 28 fair catches and 26 punts inside the 20), kick returns were steady, and place-kicker Louie Zervos was a major weapon. He was asked to attempt 35 field goals — three more than anybody else in the country, and, frankly, far too many — but made 22 of 25 under 40 yards and a solid seven of 10 over 40.

To put that another way, a sophomore (Zervos) and freshman (Farkas) powered a unit that ranked 16th in Special Teams S&P+. Special teams could be a strength for a while in Athens.

2017 outlook

2017 Schedule & Projection Factors

Date Opponent Proj. S&P+ Rk Proj. Margin Win Probability 2-Sep Hampton NR 31.5 97% 8-Sep at Purdue 87 -6.3 36% 16-Sep Kansas 107 3.3 57% 23-Sep at Eastern Michigan 96 -4.2 40% 30-Sep at Massachusetts 111 -1.1 48% 7-Oct Central Michigan 97 0.9 52% 14-Oct at Bowling Green 95 -4.5 40% 21-Oct Kent State 123 7.7 67% 31-Oct Miami (Ohio) 88 -1.2 47% 8-Nov Toledo 59 -11.2 26% 14-Nov at Akron 122 2.7 56% 24-Nov at Buffalo 128 7.2 66%

Projected S&P+ Rk 103 Proj. Off. / Def. Rk 122 / 61 Projected wins 6.3 Five-Year S&P+ Rk -5.9 (92) 2- and 5-Year Recruiting Rk 121 / 114 2016 TO Margin / Adj. TO Margin* 1 / 2.5 2016 TO Luck/Game -0.5 Returning Production (Off. / Def.) 54% (41%, 67%) 2016 Second-order wins (difference) 8.3 (-0.3)

S&P+ sees a bit of a backtrack. The offense, already shaky, must replace a good chunk of its receiving corps and a part-time starting QB, and a strong defense is rebuilding up front. And with a No. 103 projection and a schedule that features six games with win probability between 40 and 60 percent, the Bobcats are projected to go only 6-6 overall.

It’s not hard to assume a bit more, though. Maxwell seems to have upside, and the run game should get a steadying hand with the return of Ouellette. If youngsters like Maxwell, Papi White, Elijah Ball, and half the secondary all progress, this team could have one of Solich’s higher ceilings.

Still, as we saw in 2016 and most of the decade previous, Solich’s teams are as much about high floors as ceilings. A bunch of closely projected games? Sounds great! They make every game close anyway, and they know how to maneuver when they get there!

Ohio is the MAC East baseline. If someone else wants to surge forward, the title is there for the taking. But the Bobcats can step in and represent the division pretty well. And just as I hope Bill Pullman’s Walter ended up happy in Sleepless, I do hope Solich nabs a conference title before he retires. If he ever retires.

Team preview stats

All preview data to date.

[365footballorg-blog]

Armchair Analyst: Your complete guide to the Week 22 MLS slate

July 27, 201812:22PM EDT

First, a quick rundown of what happened midweek:

Philly went on the road and beat Houston 3-1, a game that was not without some controversy. Two things stuck out to me from this game. First is that the Union’s central midfield, when clicking, remains a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Second is that defensive midfield remains a soft spot for the Dynamo, and the lack of updates on Juan David Cabezas is concerning.

If Cabezas is in there, that first Union goal never happens. He wasn’t, so it did.

After a weather delay the Red Bulls got on the pitch at Audi Field and handed D.C. United their first loss at their new stadium, winning 1-0 thanks to Bradley Wright-Phillips’ 100th career regular-season goal. You can watch them all HERE, and if you’re a young striker looking to learn the subtle art of riding the offside line, or the subtler art of learning to pull off a defender at just the right moment, you absolutely should. BWP’s sustained a half-decade of legitimate greatness with this team by being smart as hell.

RBNY are still evolving under Chris Armas. In this game there were long sequences in which they knocked the ball around the attacking third, something rarely seen over the past couple of years – though it didn’t lead to any goals.

For D.C… there were not so many promising signs, though they did create some danger playing over the top.

Seattle went to San Jose and got a very professional 1-0 win over the Quakes, courtesy of Raul Ruidiaz’s first MLS goal. It was a great first touch and an even better finish, and that’s pretty much that in terms of takeaways from this game.

Here is a line from our game recap of NYCFC’s 2-0 win at Orlando City: “Good teams figure out ways to win, and poor ones discover myriad new ways to lose, and so it was for these two teams who entered MLS at the same time but find themselves in markedly different states at the moment.”

That just about sums up the game and the season for both teams at this point. NYCFC are playing nowhere near as well as they had been a few months ago, but they’re second in MLS in both points and points per game, have won four straight and have lost just once in their past eight. They have, in Maxi Moralez, a real MVP candidate who’s kept the team together while David Villa has been convalescing (and credit has to go to the rotation of false 9s Dome Torrent has used in Villa’s stead).

Torrent’s postgame press conferences rival Mike Petke’s for Best in MLS, by the way. He was crystal clear re: how unhappy he was after this one, with a particular focus on how deep his team were defending, and how they were unable to keep the ball.

The Lions are playing better than they were a couple of months ago. Yet they’ve lost two straight and, if you look at their schedule, it doesn’t get that much easier over the next month.

El Trafico has rocketed up the rankings of “Best MLS Rivalries” in large part because LAFC apparently have no intention of ever holding a lead against their southern neighbors. The expansion side won the first half 2-0, then once again lost the second half – this time collapsing over the final 10 minutes en route to conceding two Galaxy goals and walking away with a 2-2 draw.

Andre Horta’s first MLS impression was not a great one. I don’t know why anyone would hit that pass in that situation – though, as Bob Bradley pointed out afterward, the whole team’s got to find a mirror. There were chances to make it 3-0, and the goal to bring it back to 2-1 never should’ve happened, either.

Things went great for 80 minutes, in other words. The game is 90.

Let’s grind through the weekend to come:

Saturday Slate

Montreal Impact vs. Atlanta United

7 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

So when going against Atlanta United, be it either at home or on the road, there is one question the opposing manager usually tries to face down: Do I flood the midfield with an extra man and try to deny service at the point of delivery, or do I put the extra man in the box and try to deny service at the point of reception?

Basically: Mark Josef Martinez with an extra man, or mark the guys who feed Josef with the extra man? Here’s what happened last time:

I don’t think the parameters of the discussion are any different this time, despite the game being at Stade Saputo and the personnel on both sides being a little bit different, and despite the Five Stripes having gone back to the 4-2-3-1 from the 3-5-2.

The Impact are going to have to absorb pressure, one way or the other. Then when they get their chances to head in the other direction, they’ve got to take them.

New York Red Bulls vs. Columbus Crew SC

7 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Over the past four years this matchup has been RBNY pressing as high and hard as possible, and Crew SC at least somewhat deciding to try to play over said press with long balls to the center forward. That’s not to say that Columbus didn’t at least attempt to knock the ball around in their usual way a little bit, and that the Red Bulls only pressed. There is always other stuff happening in this game of ours.

But that’s the way it went primarily, and so that makes this one interesting because RBNY have evolved a little bit. They’re still a very pressing team under Armas, and so far very good at it, but they do allow teams to play a little bit more, and they have been a little bit vulnerable in those moments.

I bet Columbus come out and try to get on the ball in this one.

Toronto FC vs. Chicago Fire

7 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Chicago have lost four straight, and they’ve won just once in their past eight games. They’ve conceded 18 goals in that span, including a pair in last week’s 2-1 loss – a home loss – to this very same TFC team.

Veljko Paunovic has repeatedly called out his backline, and said that they need reinforcements in the transfer market. OK, but at the same time, why have so many players on that backline regressed year-over-year? Why has he not found a core group and let them ride through the rough patches in order to create a bit of cohesion and chemistry, encouraging the type of familiarity and trust that can make a team play 15 or 20 percent greater than the sum of its parts?

Veljko’s thrown everything at the wall this year except that. We’ve seen a 3-5-2 with a sweeper, a 4-5-1, a 3-4-3, and the 4-2-3-1 that’s been in use lately, all with a constant rotation of fullbacks and center backs. Every week it’s either a new system or a new formation or a new tactical approach, and the players look uncertain these days every time the step on the pitch.

TFC weren’t great last week, and they won 3-0 in the Canadian Championship but weren’t super-convincing midweek, and they obviously have defensive issues of their own. But yeah… with Sebastian Giovinco, Jozy Altidore and Victor Vazquez all probably ready to go an hour or so in this one, I like their chances.

D.C. United vs. Colorado Rapids

8 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

United, despite their disappointment at Atlanta last weekend and against the Red Bulls midweek, are almost certainly going to stay in the 4-1-4-1 they’ve used most of the season, and they’re probably going to try to press high then combine around the area. When those moments happen, they’re good. When those moments don’t happen, they are very, very vulnerable on the break.

For Colorado we’ll get to see Kellyn Acosta make his official debut. He played in a midweek friendly against Boca Juniors and did some fun stuff:

Number 10 Acosta is a savage pic.twitter.com/df6Yuiqpc0

— Terry (@DetroitMade94) July 25, 2018

That would’ve been Beckham-esque.

As Terry pointed out in his tweet, Acosta’s indeed wearing the No. 10 for the Rapids (a heavy jersey, worn by luminaries such as Waldir Saenz, Facundo Diz and most recently Joe Mason), and that only stokes my concern that Acosta – a natural No. 8 – will be played out of position as a super-advanced, true attacking midfielder.

I hope that’s not the case. And if it is, at the very least I’d hope it comes in a 3-5-2, with two true forwards ahead of him, and two marauding wingbacks flanking him.

But it’s tough to say with the Rapids these days.

Sporting KC vs. FC Dallas

9 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

This is the first meeting of these two teams in regular season play this year, though they did meet once in U.S. Open Cup play – a 3-2 Sporting win in Kansas. Daniel Salloi got two goals that game, one off the wing and the other while playing as a center forward. Dallas didn’t really seem to know how to track him.

That’s probably been the high point for SKC over the past couple of months, though. They have won only twice in league play since mid-May as injuries have mounted, as the defense has come apart and has true center forward play has been tough to come by.

And it needs to be said that the defense has been especially bad over the past five games (1-3-1 record), during which Sporting have conceded 13 goals. Peter Vermes reportedly released Emiliano Amor this past week, which is a shot across the bow for just about everyone, I’d say.

What will we see from Dallas, though? There’s a decent chance there could be as many as three brand new starters: Dominique Badji up top, Pablo Aranguiz as the No. 10, and Marquinhos Pedroso at left back.

I think Pedroso starts and the other two come off the bench. I also think FCD will play out of a sit-and-counter 4-4-2 rather than their preferred 4-2-3-1.

Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Minnesota United

10 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

So when I mentioned Kellyn Acosta – who, again, is not a No. 10 – playing as the most advanced central midfielder in a 3-5-2, the current mold would be what Minnesota United have become over the past six weeks or so. They finally moved away from Adrian Heath’s beloved 4-2-3-1 and into the 3-5-2 that’s really a 3-5-1-1, and they do not have a true No. 10 in their midfield.

Rather, they have a true defensive midfielder (Collen Warner) and two box-to-box midfielders (Ibson and Rasmus Schuller). Having those three guys gumming up the works, with the latter two getting forward selectively, has given Darwin Quintero license to go anywhere and everywhere he wants, which is why it really is more of a 3-5-1-1 than a 3-5-2.

Here’s their network passing graph from a couple weeks back in a win over New England:

  This is made using Opta data. The position of each circle represents the location of the corresponding player’s aggregate touch, while the thickness of the lines connecting them represents the volume of passes connected.

Warner is No. 26, and he doesn’t leave that spot. Schuller’s 20, and you can see he’s a little more defensive than Ibson (7). Quintero is No. 25. None of this is about combining with the ball. It’s just about making Quintero difficult to track, and in that sense it’s worked wonderfully.

The other thing it’s been about is getting tougher up the spine, and that’s worked pretty well, too – Warner’s been very good (and Schuller never, ever was a d-mid). If you’re a Colorado fan looking for something of a blueprint, here you go.

Still: The defense remains wobbly, and the ‘Caps don’t give a single damn about possession through the middle. They will happily do everything they can to get behind the Loons’ wingbacks, drag their center backs out into space, and then roast ’em.

San Jose Earthquakes vs. Real Salt Lake

10:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

San Jose have only two wins all season, both of them against Minnesota. They’re on an 11-game winless streak and a three-game losing streak. The transfer/trade window has been open for nearly two weeks and they haven’t addressed their very obvious needs at fullback. Danny Hoesen, who’d been the season’s bright spot through the first half, has not scored in a month. 

Here’s the goal they gave up on Wednesday:

At the moment the ball is lost they have a 4v2 advantage. By the time the ball is in the final third, they have a 2v3 disadvantage. No pressure is ever really put on Cristian Roldan, and new center back signing Guram Kashia strangely decides to drift away from Ruidiaz toward the back post instead of marking, you know, the guy right in front of him. 

Both fullbacks are pushed way up. Both central mids are jogging. This didn’t have to be a fatal moment, but it always, always is with this year’s Quakes.

RSL, of course, are just 1-8-1 away from home this season so this is a big, big game for San Jose. It’s a legitimate chance to win a game – something they’ve not managed since May 12.

For the Claret-and-Cobalt, it’s now about just two things: Will they use an actual forward at forward, and will Petke resist the urge to lean on the lead-footed central mid pairing?

Portland Timbers vs. Houston Dynamo

11 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Diego Chara’s back, which means that Portland are heavy favorites in this one. By my own count he’s top four in the MVP race, along with Josef, BWP and Moralez. His ability to win the ball deep and get the Timbers quickly and reliably into transition has defined the way this team plays, and has covered for other deficiencies elsewhere.

Portland are unbeaten in 13, though they’ve won just twice in their last seven. Houston are just 1-4-4 on the road, and are about to play their fifth game in 14 days. Hammer the “over.”

Sunday Doubleheader

Seattle Sounders vs. NYCFC

5 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Alex Ring took a late yellow card in NYCFC’s win on Wednesday, a foul that looked very much like an “I know I’m going to be rested for the Seattle game on Sunday, so why don’t I just take the yellow here and get the suspension out of the way while resetting the ‘good behavior’ countdown.” This was minutes after Moralez limped off with what looked like a bit of an injury.

Those guys have been, more than anyone else, the strength of this NYCFC side. Ring is obviously out and I’m guessing Moralez will get a day off as well, and that means we’ll probably see something at least a little bit experimental from NYCFC. 

Everything is a little bit experimental from Seattle these days as they try to integrate new faces and reintegrate some old, injured ones. But what you saw on the goal linked above, in the San Jose section, is what they need more of: An opportunity to drive the game forward opens, and they take it. Too often over the past few years they have been so slow to move from back-to-front, relying too much on square passes and “let’s just hope Nico Lodeiro conjures some magic.”

I don’t know if that’s something they’ve talked about. But it’s very definitely something they should talk about, especially now that Ruidiaz is in the fold.

LA Galaxy vs. Orlando City

9:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

I just don’t see any way that, three days after a demoralizing home loss, Orlando City’s center backs have a shot at corralling Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Ola Kamara.

I will grant that the Galaxy aren’t the most tactically sophisticated team in the world and I will grant that the backline is capable of … errors … and I will grant that Romain Alessandrini at either wingback spot is a wild-ass attacking ploy – and good on Sigi Schmid for that, by the way – and I will grant that the goalkeeping situation is not much better than last year and I will grant that the Dos Santos brothers are still capable of drifting out of games entirely.

But raw talent wins a lot of games. I captained Zlatan for my fantasy team this week specifically because I think he’s getting a hat trick in this one.

One More Thing to Ponder

Happy weekending, everybody.

Series: 

Topics: 

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Armchair Analyst: Your complete guide to the Week 22 MLS slate was originally published on 365 Football