#i know there's a lot of self hatred in this

[astradyke]

ngl phil's love for WAD is genuinely what makes me feel so crazy insane because WAD is like the solo show that dan temporarily left phil for to do on his own that is like... dan saving his own life repeatedly every single performance of it. it is SO vulnerable as a show concept. and phil (notorious guy who doesn't cry the easiest) crying at WAD consistently and also having so much loud love of it (like all of dan is leaving me is just... that) is like. i don't know. ppl talk a lot (as they should) about how important it is that dan, having fallen for phil at age 18 and committed to him for the rest of his life, having those years where it's just him exploring ... and i think its just so beautiful that phil was like very on board with that. and just like, obviously missed dan (very very much) but was so excited for him to explore. can we ft or are u oot. etc. ugh .

sit n draw up the comparisons between dan's speech abt phil in BIG and all the times phil talked about dan's solo work in the hiatus . "this was someone who genuinely liked me... it is so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with. and for anyone who has [dealt with the kind of self hatred i've experienced], one person accepting you can [make all the difference]" brackets because of paraphrasing i forgot the exact quote but. I sleep on these quotes because my life is continually ruined by "for the first time since i was a tiny child i actually felt safe" which is like the most life changing thing i have ever heard and also devastating but anyway like. Phil accepting Dan at age 18 and then at age 28 and then at age 33 and all the gaps in between. genuinely liking Dan when he was an emo guy on formspring, from when he was making storytime and vaguely edgy content on YouTube, from when he was doing Dystopia Daily and We're All Doomed, and now post hiatus like. Srry ive been on such a "phil is a loverboy" kick but we need to talk abt this so much. oh i have another thought but it goes into a diff post this is so long

[lost-romantique]

I think one of my favorite parts about Blitz is the fact that he is a main character that is honestly so grounded in reality.

He's designed to be so fundamentally flawed and broken, that a lot of the shit he's done really overshadow all the good.

Blitz is an asshole, he acts egotistical and selfish, and destroys his relationships in the worse of ways in a bid to push people away.

Yet at the same time, he is so fucking lonely, so depressed, so desperate to be loved, to be noticed, to be someone important to anyone. He wants people to love him so fucking bad, but at the same time his self-loathing nature forbade him from even dreaming of that.

So he hurts and uses people for his own personal gain, breaks their hearts, and stomps it to the fucking ground...

But at the same time he's so fucking lonely, so depressed, so desperate for a place to belong that he unknowingly makes his own eclectic family. His natural born sense of charisma, and his ability to persevere over the maelstrom of bullshit that is the systematic hierarchal structure that oppresses his kind, are one of the reasons people are so drawn to him.

Blitz is drenched in so much self-hatred that he's blind to the very good he brings to the people in his life, and I love it so much.

And when you see him grow and learn that even a piece of shit like him is worthy of love...

It's so fucking euphoric.

You're just so happy for him...

My favorite part about Blitz is the fact that he is a fuck-up. You can't justify all the shit he does, but a key to understanding his character is knowing that the world made him that way.

He does the most realistically fucked up and depraved things, and you see him hurt people left and right, and you're just so sad and hurt because you know the good he's capable of.

And when you see him do good and be the very best version of himself, you can't help but proud of him, and cheer for him.

Blitz is just a little guy, just a silly little guy with a big heart. And I'm just so interested to see where his growth goes from here now that he's allowing himself to be loved and cared for.

And maybe... just maybe he could learn to see the good in himself too.

[downloadspiral]

Okay but can we talk about gender and desirability? Since I've started my journey of self-discovery and becoming more and more of a total gender fuck, I feel like I'm becoming less and less desirable.

And I'm not even talking about dating cishet people. It's quite the opposite, actually: the genre of people who I attract most are cishet men, because I'm perceived as ~womanly~ enough for them to find me intriguing, but to them, I'm still not quite a threat to their heterosexual identity - to them, I'm merely an exotic trophy in the collection of people they fucked, if you will.

The queers (esp. other trans people), on the other hand, totally recognize my transness and generally perceive me as a trans person. Which is technically a good thing as it feels really validating to me, and knowing that I'm perceived as trans in some contexts is at least a small source of gender euphoria for me.

However, I still fail to do gender right, even in queer contexts. Specifically in the context of (queer) dating. I feel like my gender hinders me from being anyone's 'preference' - for people who prefer butches, I'm not masculine enough. For people who prefer femmes (which I genereally identify as), I don't perform femininity coherent enough. My gender performance is deeply flawed, from whichever angle you look at it.

And in dating, this leads to me feeling like I either fall through the grid completely or I'm just some trophy. And that shit hurts. The gender binary and the social compulsion to reproduce gender as a coherent, fixed entity hurt me so much. I simply can't do it. I can't be perfect anymore. And thus, I can't be desired.

[todayisafridaynight]

[leguin]

i did think about richard siken saying there's no such thing as unrequited love, just unrequited desire for probably longer than i should've, but idk. feelings are complicated. 'unrequited' is complicated. i've never felt so consistently failed by language before...

[uncanny-tranny]

The biggest saving grace I feel I've done is to get into death positivity, to learn to appreciate death. It's definitely not going to help for many, but I have found that not stigmatizing my own interest and desire for death has greatly helped. Being able to interact with death not as a punishment, but as a way to express humanity has been truly what has made me feel more human. I no longer want to feel ashamed of this aspect of myself, and it's made me want to live. Death has done unto me life.

[starbuck]

talking with self-hating, closeted trans-curious people who are confiding in you about their repressed gender feelings is really something… like. well, in MY opinion, gender is just some shit we made up so you should go wild with it and do whatever the hell you want, but you’re still out here calling transness abnormal, so i don’t think we’re ready for that conversation yet.

[not-another-robin]

My opinion does not hold any weight bc I am literally delusional about these fuckers

[nebulainatree]

Ohhhh Folly my beloved. I understand you like no one else does. I get it. Cycles of self hatred and not forgiving your inner child. I get you Folly AUGH IM SO ILL IM FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS FOREVER. AUGHHHH. FOLLYYYY

[nemmet]

question: who is your favourite scooby doo character and why?

in a similar vein to my how did you get into scooby doo post from last month, i'm now interested in hearing who your favourite character from the franchise is! are they a member of the core gang or a side character? which iteration/version of theirs do you like best? do you have any specific memories associated with them? do they mean a lot to you personally, or do you just think they're neat? it's time to gush about them in the tags/replies!!

[rpfofficial]

all r-dfem blogs on here are always posting 3 things: a) most vitriolic disgusting display of shaming people for how they look which almost always implicitly or explicitly aligns with some kind of eugenics or racism, b) how everyone who isnt them or disagrees with them is stupid or misguided or has no hope left for them, and c) how lonely and isolated they feel all the time . I wonder when they will join the dots

[nobodieshero-main]

NOBODY MOVE I'M HAVING POSITIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT MORDRED AND ATLAS.

[tricoufamily]

once again thinking about how easy it would be for me to be in a relationship if i was cis

[antiterf]

To any person who has felt internalized transphobia, if you feel the world is against you, then know that I support you. It can be so hard hating yourself and hating the group you belong to. It takes so much work to even begin to feel comfortable with yourself, even more with your community. Even if what I say to you politically wise is too much, that it’s too far. Even if you’ve hurt other trans people, it doesn’t matter in how much I care for you. I still care about you because I have been the person crying about how much they’re a freak in the bathroom mirror. I care about you because it’s unfair for you to endure this hardship. No matter what, I want you to get through this, and I’d be overjoyed if you promised to survive it.

No matter what, just please, never forget that you are human. You are never less than human. 

[dreamsy990]

kh2 au where everythings exactly the same except roxas is hanging around sora chara style. hes not particularly a vengeful spirit but hes not very nice either. also nobody but sora can see him. hijinks ensue.

[uncanny-tranny]

I often see this impulse from other trans men* that involves hypervigilance of being one of the "good men" who set ourselves apart from the men who hurt others, and I wonder if this ultra-policing actually prevents us from being "bad"

I wonder if agonizing about doing everything "right" is only contributing to poor mental health of trans men* because you are seeing a distorted, monstrous version of yourself, somebody with whom you have to kill off. It forces you into this space of having to be perfect, to beat yourself up over any perceived infraction.

And I just don't think it's an effective measure to ensure we are "one of the good ones." Constantly treating yourself as the beast, treating yourself like a leper who has no place in the civilized world? How does that ensure that you both treat others well but also ensure that you aren't fucking miserable every single moment you're not alone?