#i know the guilt of my actions can't decestate me unless i do something devastating | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago

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Idk why but I feel like this awakened something in me. Public therapy session between me and myself was a success 👍

reminder.... bad people aren't worried that they might be a bad person.

Thanks 🥺

(skfjgh sorry I'm about to rant)

I used to think this a lot to reassure myself but now I think my ideas of what good and bad are have gotten more complex. Like, someone with good intentions can do a lot of harm because they aren't making any effort to reflect on the actual effects of their actions. And some people know they're a bad person but are okay with it. Or some people have bad motives to do good things so does that make them good or bad?

I think I'm just scared of being one of those people. I don't want to be someone who doesn't know or doesn't care how I effect other people and I don't want to be someone that tries not to effect people at all either anymore. I used to try that but it's impossible and it's also not what I want. I exist and I want to help people with that existence. Not to make up for my existence but to actually just help people.

But because of that, I think a lot about this. And I don't always know if it's good for me. I worry a lot because I care a lot but the worrying tends to take over

#like thinking about this feels like it fundamental changed something in me #it made me realize that the way i held my sister accountable when she hurt me wasnt wrong #which is a thing that frequently weighs on me #and it also made me realize that my anxiety isnt doing shit for me. its just hurting me and telling me i still need it #i DON'T need it. thats revolutionary #im starting to believe i am a good person simply because ive been a bad person and accepted it #it feels like this was the logical next step that so many people struggle to take #it gives me hope for myself and for other people #back to the stuff about my sister #i had a lot of conflicting thoughts on what happened between us #because it felt like she saw feeling guilt as a genuine threat. and i think i can somewhat understand that #but where she sought out reassurance i was lying awake in my bed. sitting with the guilt #letting it seep into my bones until i understood it fundamental #until it felt like an overly ambitious teacher but not an enemy #i know the guilt of my actions can't decestate me unless i do something devastating #its like a fire that i lit and its up to me to keep from fanning it too high or letting it go out #it illuminates my surroundings and gives me clarity but as long as my appreciation never turns to carelessness #i think ill be alright. i think ill keep doing bad things but react to them in a good way. i think i can allow that #if it makes me better i think i can allow that

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