#i know that sounds harsh and shitty but. idk guys i just care too fucking much about what other people think and want

[hegrowth]

will most likely be remaking sometime in the next month or so. don't know if it will be before or after the new year, but I've been thinking about it and I'm at peace with the decision so if I want to then I will !

it may seem harsh, but if you feel any negative way about me remaking then you can go ahead and a) not say anything and b) unfollow me; making people feel bad about remaking, no matter how right you think you are, what their reasoning is, how inconvenient you believe it to be, or their activity level beforehand, is shitty. support your mutuals challenge 2k24. and yeah, I do still think about that stupid anon.

[persephones-wren]

hii love, love your fics so I just had to request again! Could request a Kaz andd reader where he says something mean to her without meaning it but shes really sad an stattes crying to jesper and he gets angry and tells Kaz to apologise? Angst with a happy ending,please!! Thanks a ton darling💗💗

Forgiveness (Kaz Brekker x Reader)

thank you for requesting again! school has been kicking my ass, so sorry for how long writing this took, but I hope you like it! :)

Warnings: mentions of catcalling, (small) injury, idk?

Genre: angst to fluff

Word Count: 1910

To say you’ve had a shitty day would’ve been an understatement.

Heading to the White Rose to see Nina, you’d been catcalled multiple times. Maybe you were being dramatic, but the comments felt more scathing than usual, and it had gotten under your skin quicker than you thought it would. You didn’t want to use Kaz’s reputation to scare them off, but it wouldn’t have mattered. You’d still be viewed as a possession, just one that didn’t belong to them.

You had snapped at the last stranger who’d given their perverse ideals of you, and that altercation had left you a lovely slash on your arm from defending yourself. You had temporarily wrapped it up on a scarf, but you knew you would probably have to wrap it with gauze on it when you returned.

When you had asked the clerk where Nina was, he said that he’d seen her leave, but she said nothing to him. Which meant the entire journey here was a waste, and that you’d have to head home without her guaranteed cooperation with the plan your boyfriend was creating.

“Kaz, she’s not there. Clerk said she went out, but he didn’t get where. It was a waste of a trip,” you sigh, throwing down your cloak on a random chair.

Kaz sighs, lowering his head as he writes out another part of the plan. “Really, Y/N? You couldn’t go out and look for her? She told us a couple days ago that she was going to start taking trips to the market at this time. You could’ve found her there.���

“I’m sorry?” you scoff quietly, but try to adjust your tone at the icy stare he gives you. You could’ve said that nicer, sure. “I didn’t think to look for her there because I didn’t know that, Kaz. Are you sure she told us that?”

“Yes, she did. Were you not paying attention?”

“I don’t think I was there,” you refute. “I would’ve remembered if she told me.”

“I don’t have time to talk to people who can’t do their jobs,” he mutters. “Just get out and waste time for now. Let me finish what I’m working on and we’ll find her together later.”

“The hell you mean I can’t do my job?” you protest. “I did what you asked. I went to go look for her, and she wasn’t there. I thought your instructions were not to stray from my path, because you wanted me home quickly and safely.”

“If you had any shred of common sense, then you’d know that I’d only say that because I’m supposed to care about you. I’d take information over your safety.”

You still. What?

He’s supposed to care about you? Does that imply he doesn’t? He would take information over your safety.

Does he want to break up?

Stop being dramatic. Kaz doesn’t play implication games with something like that. He’d tell you outright.

But he wouldn’t care for you if he got what he wanted.

“I-um, oh,” you take a shuddery breath. Your chest feels tight and your eyes are going to water. Kaz hates dealing with over-emotional people. He needs people who can keep their cool, people who can think their way out of things. You need to get out of here before he looks up at you. You’re useless, you’re an idiot, no wonder he said you couldn’t do your job properly.

Too late. He looks up at you, frowning at your silence, but you quickly turn away, still trying to hide your face.

You laugh, and even you can tell that it’s not genuine, just an attempt at trying to hide your wavering voice. “I’m fine, Kaz. Uh- yeah, yeah! We’ll go out later and-” your throat catches as you swallow harshly. “We’ll go out and look for Nina later. See you then.” You quickly brush your tears out of the way, opening the door and stepping out.

Your steps echo down the hall, and you try and find your way to your room through the tears that now stream down your face.

I’d take information over your safety.

You still don’t know if he means it. He’s angry, but- Kaz was usually extremely candid when he was upset.

He might’ve meant every word.

You don’t notice Jes in front of you, and as you pass him, he catches your arm.

You wince, his fingers land right on the slash, and he hastily lets go, looking at you with concern. Everyone was usually about as emotional as a rock in the Barrel. What made you cry like that?

“Y/N, you okay? What happened? Why did you flinch from me? Did I do something wrong?”

His face resembles a kicked puppy, and your heart constricts with slight guilt.

“No, no- it’s not your fault, Jes- your fingers landed right on a slash I got, that’s all.”

He looks at his hands, covered in slight blood. You tug at your soaked-through scarf and look at it, and it looks even worse than when you first got it. Your grimace. So much for getting him to worry less about you. “It looks a lot worse than it actually is.” Your words are frantic and stuttered, but you hope he gets the point.

“How did that happen? I thought with Kaz’s reputation, you would be untouchable. Why isn’t he taking care of you?”

You smile sadly. The mention of Kaz tightens your chest again.  “Guy scrapped with me for a little while after catcalling me. I didn’t want to use Kaz to defend myself- me, with him? He’d be even more of a target. And Kaz is a bit upset with me right now. He doesn’t know what happened.”

“Why the hell would he be upset?”

“I didn’t get the information he wanted,” your voice is small and weak. “And he said he’d rather have the information more than my safety.”

“Which is why you’re crying.” Jes’s face has a look of understanding.

“Yes,” you affirm quietly. “Today’s just been a bad day. I’ll be alright, though, really. I know Kaz doesn’t like dealing with weak people, so I thought I wouldn’t bother-”

“You’re not weak.” His voice gains a complete new edge, and his face is determined. You suddenly get a bad feeling. What’s Jes going to suggest you do? “We’re going to go confront him. Right now.”

“Jes, I look like I’ve been crying. I’d at least like to compose myself a bit.”

“No.” He makes sure he’s grabbing your other arm, before leading you back to Kaz’s office. “He needs to know how much he’s fucked up. He’s smart, but really,” Jesper sighs, “He’s an idiot. And you deserve better than that.”

Your heart warms at his words, but you’re still nervous as he leads you down the hall, and you’re definitely panicking when he opens the door without knocking.

Kaz looks up, and a brief look of surprise is in his eyes as he looks at Jesper. Why didn’t Jesper knock? And why would Jes need him, especially at midday? Wouldn’t he be out gambling?

Kaz prepares himself to hear something stupid. He doesn’t notice you standing behind him, and his attention drifts back down to his plan.

“What do you need?”

“Apologize.”

“For?”

“For being a bloody idiot and hurting your girlfriend.”

Hurting you? He looks back up to him, and this time, you’re standing next to Jesper.

“I didn’t-” Kaz starts, but your appearance makes him go silent.

Your expression is blank, but tear streaks clearly stain your face, and you clearly look like you don’t want to be confronting him. Jesper had put you up to this.

Were you too afraid of him to do it yourself?

What did he do for you to look like that?

“You didn’t do anything?” Jesper’s voice is incredulous. “She went to the White Rose to try and find Nina, and then you come home and treat her like she’s useless because she doesn’t get what you want. She’s your girlfriend, not a goon. Have some respect for her, yeah? She followed exactly what you said, to try and get home quickly and safely, and even then, she still gets hurt. Did you even notice the bleeding gash?”

“Jes,” you whisper, “it’s fine, really-”

He doesn’t listen, and grabs at your wrist to lift your arm, pulling down the scarf and revealing the bloody cut. Kaz blinks, concern and guilt briefly flashing on his face before he smooths back his expression.

How didn’t he notice? How did that happen?

“Y’know how she got that? Men were harassing her, and she fought one of them because she didn’t want to use your name as her shield. She was trying to prevent painting an even bigger target on your back. And then you go as far,” Jes laughs angrily, “as to say that she’s not worth more than information for your fucking plan? And through all of that, she leaves you alone because she doesn’t want to be an inconvenience to you. Your girlfriend thinks her emotions are burdening you. Get your fucking head out of your ass. Either you apologize to her, or she’s breaking up with you.”

You and Kaz are both left standing still, both watching as Jesper stalks back toward the door, opening it and slamming it shut.

The sound echoes through the silent room.

You don’t know what to say. Part of you feels vindicated, Jesper did the hard part for you, but part of you feels guilty- Jesper also made it a lot bigger than it could’ve been.

You let the guilt win out.

“I’m sorry, Jes’s wording was a bit harsh, I’ll take my leave, it’s really not that big-”

“Stay,” Kaz interrupts. “Please.”

You sit down on the chair next to his, and he turns to you, pulling out gauze and alcohol wipes.

“I can do it myself,” you say hurriedly. “I know-”

“You’re not a burden to me.” He avoids your gaze, he doesn’t want to see your reaction, in case he really would lose you after this. “Let me help you.”

“Okay.”

You hiss through your teeth as he cleans the gash, a small “sorry” escaping him as he continues. There’s still a silence hanging between both of you. He wraps it carefully, looking up at you when he’s done.

“Not too tight?”

“No,” you answer quietly. “Thank you, Kaz.”

There’s another silence between you.

“I care about you,” he says suddenly. “I wouldn’t trade your safety for anything.”

You know it’s his way of saying sorry.

“It’s okay,” you give a reassuring smile. “I know. I’ve just had a bad day, that’s all.”

“It’s not,” he argues. “If you ever need to defend yourself, use my name if it’ll get them to stop. I don’t care if it paints whatever sized target on my back.” You open your mouth to interject, but he continues. “I’m already a wanted criminal in Ketterdam. However much you increase the target by doesn’t matter, so long as you come home alright.”

“Okay,” you nod. “I will.”

“I love you, darling.”

Your eyes widen at his words. He doesn’t say it often, he knows that you already know that.

Jesper must’ve really shaken him.

“I love you too,” you reply softly. “Thank you.”

It’s his turn to look surprised. “For?”

“For caring,” you respond. “For being you. For loving me.”

A faint smile etches on his lips. “I always will.”

[clevercorvidae]

BNHA Common Misconceptions

I’ve been seeing wayyy too much bs on my dash lately. So I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on some Controversy™

***Spoilers For The Manga***

1. “What the HPSC did to Hawks wasn’t bad”

A government organization putting a young child through rigorous training so that he can be used as a tool is bad. I don’t know why I have to spell that out

Hawks had to abandon his real name at a very young age. That’s damaging for a kid’s sense of identity. His identity as a person no longer has any separation from his work as a hero. Being a hero is all he is now. I wouldn’t be surprised if (provided Hawks’s wings are gone for good) he has an identity crisis after this arc because he can’t be “Hawks” anymore.

Hawks is based on Lionel Messi, a soccer player recruited at a young age in return for paying for his medical procedures. I’ve seen people say that Hawks chose to be a hero. One, he was a child, young children shouldn’t be making decisions like that. Two, we know based on context clues that Keigo was more than likely living in poverty, possibly with alcoholic parents, and we literally are told that the HPSC payed for his family’s living expenses. Do you really think Keigo had much of a choice here?

I’ve seen people say “it’s just like what UA is doing”. First of all, UA is called out for being irresponsible and endangering their students IN UNIVERSE. Second, Keigo was a young child, the UA kids are 15+. There’s a huge difference.

2. “Mitsuki isn’t abusive”

Honestly when it comes to her smacking Katsuki, I could excuse it as a joke done in poor taste and not hold it over her as a character.

Hitting him WASNT just discipline tho. You should never, ever, under any circumstances hit your kid. Fuck that noise.

What I really have an issue with is what she SAYS to Katsuki. Her guilt tripping him isn’t a throwaway line either. He repeats the sentiment that he is responsible for Kamino during Deku v Kacchan 2. It’s one of the main reasons he fights Deku.

Horikoshi says that Katsuki has a good relationship with his mother. In that case, he did a horrible job at presenting that. What is written in the canon is what should be used as the basis for how we interpret her character.

3. “Shigaraki chose to kill his family/was born evil”

No...just...no. He was FIVE for crying out loud.

He wanted to be a hero, and took extra care to play with kids that had no friends. He definitely wasn’t born evil lmao.

His quirk manifested while he was having an emotional crisis. Decay is controlled by emotion so of course it went haywire.

He didn’t even know it was him doing it at first.

“But Shigaraki said he WANTED it to happen” Shigaraki is an unreliable narrator. What we actually SEE tells a very different story. He reaches out to Hana and his Mother for help. His grandparents are just caught in the shockwave. The ONLY person he killed on purpose was his father.

Now when it comes to his father, he had just beat him and locked him outside. He’s FIVE, and he has no healthy outlet for his anger and frustration. Hell, we see that in his “itchiness”, he only feels like this in the house, because his father makes him suppress his love for heroes and his dream to become one. He takes joy in killing his father because it’s the only release he’s ever experienced.

The fact that you guys forget that this is an abused child with no real control over his quirk that just got beaten and locked outside... Nope, no reading comprehension here.

4. “The League of Villains are justified/are a revolutionary group”

...Shigaraki has stated over and over again that he just wants to destroy everything. He doesn’t care about reform or improving anything. That one panel in Ch. 222, where he says he wants to destroy everything I think sums it up perfectly.

He wants to destroy EVERYTHING good or bad or neither or both. There’s a newborn baby, a field of flowers , Nine, various heroes, the UA kids, etc all varying in innocence.

The rest of the league have very different goals and reasons why they continue to support Shigaraki. Twice wants to protect the only people that accepted him. Spinner just wants to have purpose for his life. Toga wants to live the way she wishes with no consequences. Compress is also here.

The only “revolutionary” is Dabi. But his views are not universal throughout the league.

Even if they were trying to improve things. They have killed countless innocent people, they’ve tried to kill the UA kids too. That’s not ok. And it’s not erased by the fact that they’ve done good. (I do appreciate them for killing the MHA version of the KKK, truly epic of you)

5. “Hawks is abusive”

It’s not abuse to manipulate someone for info when you’re a double agent. It’s kinda shitty, and you could argue that it was unnecessary for Hawks to do so in context. But it’s not abuse.

Y’all need to stop using the word abuse/abusive tendencies to describe all immoral actions

I’ve also seen people say that Hawks has abusive tendencies (as in he’s abusive in all his relationships with other characters) and...do I really need to explain why that makes no sense at all?

6. “Twice deserved to die/it was necessary to kill him”

Feel like I need to remind people that we’ve only ever actually seen Twice kill one guy and that was one of the KKK guys.

Twice isn’t evil, even Hawks admits that he is a genuinely good person. Good people don’t deserve to die.

It wasn’t necessary, and here’s why: Hawks could’ve just knocked him out or even just severely injured him. (Or the HPSC could’ve just grown a brain cell and sent more people to back him up, making it easier to hold back his quirk and arrest him)

Hawks shouldn’t have killed Twice, he only killed him because he’s been raised as a child soldier and I wouldn’t be surprised if what he told Twice about taking out villains was a direct quote from the HPSC

Also, Hawks would’ve killed Twice with or without Dabi’s intervention

Something I do have to say though is that Hawks was right not to just let Twice go. It’s tragic because Twice WAS leaving to help his friends, but the other side of that tragedy it that his friends are terrorists. If he was allowed to leave a shit ton of people would have died (again that doesn’t mean he deserved to die either, don’t get it twisted)

The WHOLE POINT of Hawks v Twice is to make you question who the bad guy is. Both characters are morally gray and the only reason they even have to fight is because of the outside forces controlling their fates. It’s supposed to be tragic it’s supposed to be unclear who is in the right, so stop arguing about it.

7. “Bakugou is abusive/irredeemable” (I know it’s been talked to death but I still see it everywhere)

People are, in fact, allowed to grow past the person they were in middle school.

Most people get hung up on the “throw yourself off a building” line. Which is fair, but again, he was in middle school.

People also say “he hasn’t apologized yet”. Yeah? And? The story isn’t over yet. Horikoshi has already acknowledged that too. I don’t know what you want? People who like him know that his arc isn’t over yet.

I’ve seen a lot of people denying his character development. In the beginning of the series he was a bully and let his ego control him. I don’t think he’s bullied...anyone since Deku v Kacchan 2. He insults people but they obviously don’t take it seriously.

He’s also gone from preferring to fail a final exam to avoid working with Deku, to following him into battle against Shigaraki.

Also, when he actually likes and respects someone he doesn’t mistreat them. This is the same thing with Hawks where y’all NEED to stop misusing the word abuse. He was an abusive friend to Deku when they were kids, that’s it.

8. “Rei was abusive too!”

I’m BEGGING YOU to learn what the term “abuse” means istg

She had a psychotic break. She genuinely thought it was her abusive husband coming through the door, and she acted out of fear.

“Well that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is. Not to mention that as soon as she realized what happened, she sobs hysterically because she hurt Shouto and tries to use her quirk to help him.

I genuinely don’t understand why people think this

9. “Dabi actually does care about the league”

Listen, I know it sounds harsh, but y’all need to get your heads out of your piles of headcanons.

We know next to nothing about how Dabi feels about just about anything. But we do see that he’s aloof and distant with the league, he doesn’t put in more than he needs to. The rest of the league think of each other as family. Dabi straight up says he doesn’t give a shit about them.

“What if he was just putting up a front for Hawks” Why? Why would he do that? When asked who he was he answered him. He tells him how he feels about hero society and Stain. Not to mention that he was getting ready to kill him. If he was hiding his true feelings about the league I doubt he would’ve so easily said that he didn’t care about them but rather how useful they were.

At this point it’s just wishful thinking. Based on everything we’ve seen in the series so far and everything we know about Dabi, I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t care about them all that much. If he secretly does care about them, I’d say it’s likely that he doesn’t even know he does.

Idk why all of a sudden villain stans and hero stans are feuding over things that shouldn’t even be up for debate in the first place. Sorry if this came off as super aggressive, I’m just sick of seeing this stuff all over the place. If anyone has anything to add go ahead

[mukamibabe]

How would the S boys to her S/O dying when giving birth? (Pretty sad ask xD) (Your blog looks very cute

death tw?? suicidal thoughts tw?? honestly idk how to tag tws but it’s a sad one, ok??? and also under a cut because it’s very long. thank you for requesting!! your blog looks very cute, too ^^

Shu: 

• obviously, he’s devastated.. he always knew it was a possibility, but.. if he thought the chances were high, he would’ve never gotten her pregnant

• and honestly.. he’s not sure if he can take it. he.. fell in love with his s/o, and married his s/o. yeah, this baby is made from both of them but… he never planned to do it alone

• like any person, he starts off with the stages of grief, and he’s in denial. no.. she can’t be dead, that’s.. that’s impossible..!

• he embraces his baby, staring down at them, as tears started to drop. even if they didn’t look like the mother, it’s the only thing that shu can see. 

• he sets the baby down, his eyes red, still in shock and he goes back to his s/o’s cold, lifeless body. 

• is this.. this is the last time he’ll ever see her again.. just hours before, they were happy, and in love and the thought of this happening never crossed his mind

• …how.. could this happen to him..? he can’t raise this baby on their own; especially not in this state

• he looks miserable. he never expected to lose someone so close to him yet again.. and he can’t help but wonder if their baby is going to die, too

• he even wonders if the baby is better off without him; he just doesn’t think he’s going to make it, and he thinks that the baby is better off with another family.. a family that isn’t so… messed up.

• i’m sure he does keep the baby, and as time passes, he’ll realize that this baby needs him

• and he will never let anyone hurt them, because now.. the only thing this baby has is him

• and he knows it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to be painful.. but for the sake of their child’s happiness.. and the love for his s/o that still remains in his heart, he knows it must be done.

Reiji:

• that.. can’t be…? that’s.. he… he made sure that this wouldn’t of happened..

• well.. not only did he just lose the love of his life, the one that made him feel love, something so foreign to him, he also failed.. he failed to keep his s/o alive. 

• and.. now what? now what is he supposed to do? he can’t just.. take the baby and go.. right…?

• i mean, he was nervous at first because.. giving birth can be a scary thing, but he never would’ve thought anything like this would’ve happened

• he messed up, and this is all his fault. his baby… they’re the reason why she’s gone. 

• he doesn’t want to blame anybody, because.. it’s no one’s fault, but he just.. can’t believe it 

• he refuses to let anyone near his dead s/o, or their baby. yeah.. this.. this is their fault she’s dead- not the babies fault, and not his fault.

• he’s gently holding the baby in his arms, but does not yet bother to even look at them. he’s just extremely upset about his s/o being dead

• he really wants to love his baby.. no, their baby, but it just seems so impossible.

• after taking the baby home with him, he just feels so lost.. he’s glad that his baby is here but his wife.. his wife. who is he going to wake up and look at every morning? and what about the sweet kisses, and the happiness, and all the love his wife gave him..?

• his baby.. he knows over time, he’ll feel happy with them but… it won’t ever be the same. even if he found a new person in his life, it will never be the same. and he doesn’t.. want to go through this again.

• he promises to not let his anger and fear get to him, for the sake of his child.

Ayato: 

• what.. the fuck?

• there’s no way she’s dead- she’s.. she chose me, she can’t just die that easily!

• poor ayato probably just leaves his baby and is smacking his s/o’s face, desperately begging for her to stay

• also, assuming there’s more people in the room other than his baby and his wife,,, he might end up either killing someone, or just.. hurting them really bad

• he’s feeling so sad, and he feels so weak so of course,, he has to let everyone know he’s still in control

• ayato may even blame it on the baby for a little bit, and refuses to touch it, or look at it. 

• he knows it’s his and his wife’s child together but.. if this baby didn’t exist, his s/o would still be alive

• he knows it’s harsh, and yeah he knows it’s kind of his fault because.. she didn’t produce the baby on her own but… it’s the baby’s fault

• either someone knocks some sense into ayato, or ayato just comes to realize himself that.. that’s his child.

• and.. all of those dreams he had with his s/o about starting a family? it can still happen, but instead.. it’s just going to be him and his baby

• maybe even his uncles..? …or maybe not because some of them are shitty, but..-

• obviously, it still bothers him, and it’s always going to. but, grief works differently for everyone, and ayato.. he’s not used to this feeling, so he’s going to take it out on people. i think about maybe 4 months in, he’ll fully come to realize that it’s just the two of them, and ayato’s going to be the best parent his child could ever have.

Kanato: 

• no? no she’s not dead, you’re lying! you guys are all stupid, she’s not dead!!

• honestly, even seeing her body just.. lay there, dead and lifeless, he refuses to believe it. 

• and like ayato, he has to blame someone for their s/o’s death, and he decides it’s the doctor’s fault (assuming that there was a doctor,, or nurse)

• once.. that’s all out of the way, he turns to his baby, and looks down at them as he holds teddy in his harms.

• “this is your fault. you know that? because of you.. your mother is dead..!”

• and.. now he’s back to stage 1 and is screaming and destroying everything in his way

• honestly i hope someone’s in there with him because..?? if not… it’s a disaster.

• by someone, i mean one of his brothers, or maybe even a relative of his s/o’s or something? 

• also, he still hasn’t touched his baby yet. after more screaming, kanato heads over to his s/o, and begins talking to her. 

• just things like, oh, you look so beautiful.. .fufu.. i didn’t think.. you would become my doll yet but…

• and then he starts crying- and then more destruction.

• his baby.. well, it might work out if someone pushes him but otherwise..? bye!! never wanted you anyways

Laito:

• wait.. no? that’s.. that’s not funny, don’t say that-

• omg.. no no non on on n on on o

• i don’t know how to explain this, but basically starts having a mental breakdown, just with out.. the physical aspects..?

• all of the real love he shared with her.. she taught him how to love.. she taught him what real love is, and he was scared at first because.. he didn’t want to lose her, but he didn’t think he’d lose her like this..

• this baby; it was made from love, and all of the joy that he felt inside his chest whenever he was with her.. so how..? how could.. the universe..? just take her away from him like that?

• she… she was his everything; and everything they planned to do with their future.. it all just disappeared. because she’s gone, and now she’s never coming back.

• so.. what now..? everything just feels so… pointless. he finally had felt true love and happiness, and with in seconds.. it just ended. was there even a point to living such a pathetic life anymore?

• well.. his baby… their baby.. what’s he supposed to do, now..? can he really be a good parent for them…?

• there’s no way.. he… he can never be a good parent.. he doesn’t even know what to do,, and his s/o… his s/o’s gone, and now he’s going to be very very very unstable for a while and.. his.. baby…

• would the baby really be better off with him..? he asks himself, tears starting to fall from his beautiful green eyes. he holds his baby tightly, and just begins to sob.

• it’s hard to tell as of now, but they look so much like her… is he really able to do this without her? 

• of course, he can.. and months after, he slowly starts to recover, knowing it’s best for his and his baby’s health. besides, it’s what she would’ve wanted..

Subaru:

• ?? no ??? she’s.. she’s not dead?? look, i’ll even feel her..- oh..

• his eyes are wide, eyebrows furrowed as he looks down at his s/o, he sees her peaceful, lifeless expression. letting out a strangled noise, he starts to cry. 

• “i knew.. i knew you never should’ve…-”

• he can’t even speak because he feels so horrible.. this.. is his fault.

• his s/o.. this wouldn’t have even happened if he only stayed away from his s/o.. damn it… how could he let this happen? to such an innocent girl, who had fallen in love with him.. and he just… kills her…?

• he eventually has to move away from his s/o because the more he looks at his s/o.. the more his thoughts start to just.. go crazy.

• all of that hard work of loving himself.. just evaporates. he wants to die. he knows he has a baby to take care of but… are they really going to be okay in his care?

• he.. he can’t be a bad father; he doesn’t want to be.. but there’s just that thought that sticks with him that he will never be good enough to take care of them.

• he immediately cuts off his thoughts, his paternal instinct kicking in. he rushes over to his baby, wiping his tears as he gently held his baby, stroking their small little face with his finger.

• does he know how to parent? no.. he’s done a little bit of studying with his s/o but… to do things without her just sounds so much harder. 

• and yeah, it’s probably going to be, but.. he wants his baby to be happy. and in order to give them that happiness, he’s going to have to work hard to be a good father to them.

• it sucks that his s/o isn’t there to raise their child together but.. he can do this.. it’s what they need. he’s is never going to be a bad parent. never.

[theashofwkm]

Dinner of Rats

Summary: In which Mark adds a little spice to his dinner, and finally takes the sleeping pills he keeps forgetting.

Prompt: Goretober, Poisoned

Warnings: poison, self-poisoning, suicide attempt, stabbing mention, the f word, I say shitty once, description of wounds/stabs, self-hate, mention of starving oneself, longing for death, overdose, death description, downward spiral, cheating mention, betrayal, this ones pretty dark guys.

Note: day three!!! this might also be counted as the suicide prompt, but idk yet. We’ll see if my motivation can keep up with this and if I have another idea for it.

———

Walking through the halls, body sore and colored with harsh red and circles of blooming purpled-blue, Mark wanders around lost in the home he’s lived in his entire life.

He’s in his home, walking though it’s halls. It’s impossible, he shouldn’t still be here, with legs and lungs in a body that still breathes. The stabs littering his torso should have killed him, he should be dead dozens of times over, but he’s not.

He’s not.

Still here, walking, breathing, thinking, against his will. He’d made a choice, committed to it nearly forty times and it didn’t stick. Just left him with missing time and a body that was a little more broken.

Foolishly, desperately, he thinks it’s the method that’s the problem.

It’s not and he knows that, but he needs to be wrong. He needs the voices to be wrong. He needs to be dead.

Sorrow lives his bones, a compliment to the grief of his blood and the guilt tanning his skin. There’s no reason anymore.

It’s hard and every breath feels like a punch in the gut, a rope looped around his neck. If he’s not in some agonizing emotional pain turned physical, he’s numb. Devoid of any feeling, of the sense of touch entirely. Living hurts and he doesn’t want to hurt anymore.

Not over her. She didn’t deserve to hold this power over him. Not now. Not after what she did.

He decides to try a new method. There’s bleach on the cupboard in the bathroom, rat poison in the kitchen. He’d taint his own drink, add the spice to his food and pray that that was enough.

It’s funny, before she left, he wasn’t a religious man, but he prays so often now. Daily, at least. Begging for the same thing like a broken record. Hands clasped and knees bruised, he asks and begs and pleads but he doesn’t receive.

Broken heart, bleeding lungs, self-hate littering his torso, he asks for the pain to stop. It gets worse.

It only ever gets worse.

Every time it does, he feels a modicum of relief along with the new wave of pain, believing it to be the last, the new worst. Then the ocean swells and another wave comes and he’s proven wrong. He hit rock bottom a long time ago, weeks ago. That was supposed to be the worst, that is what everyone said was the worst. ‘There’s nowhere to go but up,’ they’d said. Wrong.

He’s falling. Screaming to wind that swallows his voice and whips his flailing limbs. He can’t see the sky anymore, no sun or moon, just endless black.

Endless, pitch, encompassing black. The place he’s come to call The Nothing flashes through his mind. The starving ground of the whispers, the place where their sound echoes as they try to tear him apart. To lead him down a different path.

Whispering words that tug at his heart, that weaken his resolve, momentarily. Whispering justice, whispering revenge, whispering it’s not fair, is it?

No. None of this was fucking fair.

It would never be fair. What she did was vile and repulsive and downright cold. He’d loved her, had given her everything he could, everything that she asked and she took his willingness to please her, his devoted love and used it to stab him where it hurts. Figuratively. He did the actual stabbing himself.

Her betrayal had hurt more. He suspects that it always would.

And William. It boggles Mark’s mind, what he’d done. They’d been so much more then friends, had been brothers, and he’d gone after the one woman Mark had cared for, the one he’d marked as taken. He’d stolen his wife and cleared the joint bank account he shared with her and Mark hopes he suffers.

Because if the situation was reversed, if William had married the girl he loved, he doesn’t think he’d stoop so low as to steal her. It was a cheap, below the belt move and it wasn’t fair.

He scoffs a laugh as he veers into the bathroom. He thinks of the empty bank account. Cleared entirely by the girl he loved and the man he trusted.

In the end, now, he doesn’t much care for the missing money. It’s just another shitty thing, another mountain he doesn’t have the energy to climb. Just another thing that reduces the percentage of oxygen in his air to leave him gasping.

Thankfully, the bleach is labeled as so. He grabs it, tugging it towards him and wondering why the jug needs to be so big. It’s fine, though, he’d prepared for it. Sneaking the empty flask from his pocket, he messily pours the bleach in before capping it and shoving it back in.

Some of it had dropped onto the floor, splashed onto his robe. It stings against his hand. He welcomes the burn, he’s been through much worse lately. This is nothing.

Everything was nothing. He was searching for the thing that would be last. He wonders if death hurts, or just the process. Would he feel peace, once the deed was done? He hopes so, but he also doesn’t much care. If he wasn’t in pain, mentally ripping at his skin and tearing out his hair, then it was better.

Better was a low bar nowadays, but somehow it was still out of reach. Still too high for him to reach up and grasp. There’s an endless amount of betters, but somehow he keeps finding the limited worsts.

The flask doesn’t sit heavy in his pocket. The first few times he’d tried to off himself, the knife had been heavy, his grip slippery. It had been hard, the first few times. It’s become easy now, easier then breathing.

He wonders what that means, that an attempt to end his life is easier then drawing air into his lungs. Probably nothing good. But he’s not surprised. There’s nothing good left about him.

He’s everything but a walking corpse.

At the last moment, he grabs a bottle of pills. To help him sleep, pills he hasn’t been taking. Pills that could actually help him sleep, now that it crosses his mind. He pockets it next to the flask.

Leaving the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs. This is the hard part, the first hiccup he could experience. Chef doesn’t like people in the kitchen. That is where the poison lies.

Summoning Ben, he concocts some nonsense reason for him to disturb Chef and leave the kitchen free for a moment. There’s a moment of hesitation, where Ben eyes Mark with something close to pity, but it only lasts a moment before Ben goes off to do as requested.

Chef steps out of his kitchen in a huff of anger and Mark slips in through the other entrance. He slips in the cupboard, grabbing the bottle, and quickly retreating.

Skull and crossbones are plastered on the label, beside the no rodent sign. He smiles. Finally. It was in his grasp, again. Hopefully for the last time.

In his bedroom, he goes on his knees and prays for this to work until Ben fetches him for dinner. He grinds the sleeping pills into gravely dust. He prays some more.

Ben pulls out his chair in silence. Mark sits and he expects something about this time to feel different, but it doesn’t. It’s the same as any other meal he’s had over the past weeks.

Except this time he’s planning to actually eat it.

Pockets full of things he shouldn’t ingest, he has something of an appetite. This will be his first good meal in a while.

Ben places the plate before him, bowing and muttering an obedient “master.”

“Ben.” Mark stops him. This death will be slow, probably. He didn’t want any interruptions, anything that could get in the way. “Go to your rooms for the night and tell Chef to do the same.”

The butler turns, shocked. “But master—”

“Now.”

Nodding shakily, Ben follows orders. Chef yells in the kitchen, but follows them too. He’s alone now.

He takes out the flask first, uncapping it and dribbling the clear cleaning fluid into his wine. He dumps the entirety of the rat poison — somewhere between half and three quarters — onto his plate. He mixes it into his potatoes while sprinkling the dust of pills over everything like it’s salt and pepper. After a moment of thought, he adds a bit of powder to the wine.

He begins to eat.

Wine doesn’t taste all that different. There’s an unpleasant sting to it, and it burns like fire going down his throat, but he manages to sip at the glass the whole time. The pills are bitter. Harder to ignore and pretend it’s not there, but he tries. Self-made salt is sour, almost, unpleasant in the way medicine is. It’s not horrible, though.

He tells himself that this is the last time. The last attempt. After this, there will be no Mark Fischbach.

Vision blurring, limbs numbing, heart rate slowing, he’s happy. Relieved and happy and so, so close to peaceful. Slumped on the table, spilling out of his chair onto the floor, he no longer hurts.

He opens his eyes and screams.

———

Masterlist

Welp, that happened. Not a huge, huge fan of this one, but there are some bits I really like, so maybe it evens out.

TAGGING: @pleaseletthisjimbetaken @electricprincess888 @berrie-b @mackenziplier @gerardwayslips @risiskifi @cawestad @theinvisiblespoon @californiakxng @just-another-starfish @superawesomeamazingname @moonstonefox12 @bones-and-tomes @am-i-heaven-or-am-i-hell @itsbumblebunnybee @noisyfreakpersonlover @nightmarejim @schuyleryette @withjust-a-bite @statictay @muraae @harmonyofstars @cosmic-frapuccino @jmweezy (tags are open)

[thevioletjones]

For that trope mash up, could I please see some Gallavich for 48 and 80?

Fake dating + Green-eyed epiphany

Ok, I really fucking ran with this one. Lol. This is like a 1.2k outline…

What about a good old-fashioned high school reunion scenario? At first I thought Ian would be the one to get Mickey to fake date, but now I’m thinking it should be the other way around. Mickey wants to prove something. He wants everyone who ever thought he was a no good loser thug (and hetero to boot) to have their jaw on the floor when they see him again. He lucked into some money somehow. Maybe he won the lottery (fuck it, lol), and he managed to build a good business, so he’s totally owning the whole career thing. BUT, he doesn’t like relationships, just fucking, and he really wants to shock his old classmates by being outwardly gay in their faces, and since he’s not exactly flamboyant, he needs to have a hot-ass dude by his side to flaunt. He ropes Mandy into his scheme and asks for advice on hiring an escort, which he’s never done before. She says she has a better idea, and sets him up with Ian, who isn’t an escort… he works at a bar or something. Makes okay money, but could always use more, and it won’t be as weird and impersonal as hiring a professional. Mickey protests at first, but then Mandy shows him Ian’s pic, and he’s like, “Welllllll, maybe…” She rolls her eyes and says to come by Ian’s work tomorrow night, gives him the deets. They meet, and Mickey is like, yep, definitely would take this guy as arm-candy. Ian teases him about needing to pay for a boyfriend, but Mick’s just like, fuck you, take it or leave it. They hash out the fine points of their fake relationship, and Mickey is surprised how much fun it is inventing this fantasy life with Ian… the supposed way they met (a gay event during Fleet Week, Ian was in traditional Navy uniform and Mickey couldn’t resist), how long they’ve been together (5 years), where they vacation (Aruba, Maldives, Capri), whether they’re engaged or not (yes), and if they have any kids (no)… Ian asks how PDA they are at events like that, and Mick’s like, “I’ve never PDA’d in my entire life, man, unless you count making out with girls in front of people when I was younger to prove I wasn’t a homo.” And Ian’s like, “But wouldn’t a kiss or two go a long way in rubbing the whole out and proud thing in their faces? We definitely need to hold hands, at least.” Mickey gets super butterfly-stomach-y and is all, “Uhhhhh, let’s see how it goes.” And then the day comes, and they go to the reunion, and Ian totally holds his hand as they walk in, and everyone is definitely like wtffff flabbergasted, and Mickey is all big smiles, because fuck yes, this is all going exactly as he’d hoped. Everyone acts so fucking friendly that it makes him want to die laughing or tell them all to go fuck themselves with their fakeness, but acting like a high and mighty asshole upper-class gay with a fabulous life that can’t be bothered with your petty bullshit is much more satisfying as far as revenge goes. He’s never felt better than anyone before, but tonight he’s gonna act like he does. Ian is just like the most charming person ever, and is getting really into spinning wild yarns about their lives. Just pulling all these shared personal stories out of his ass while everyone laughs and gives him heart eyes, and Mickey is like, whoa, this guy is really good. And the drunker he gets, the more he’s like, whoa, this guy is like super hot and also amazing and maybe I kind of want to actually have this kind of life with him??? And so of course, they end up making out at their table while the DJ plays the last song of the night, and of course they end up banging at Mickey’s place after. BUT, in the harsh light of day, Mickey backslides into his ‘I am a rock, I am an island’ mode, and Ian is obviously hoping that they’ll start seeing each other. Mick reminds him that the whole reason he needed to pay someone to date him last night is cuz he doesn’t do boyfriends. Ian’s like, yeah, but we hit it off and we can take it slow. But Mickey totally shuts him down, because he’s a scared idiot. So Ian’s like, fine, fuck you, then. He was going to tell him never mind about the payment, but now he’ll take the check and go. Cut to a few weeks later, and Mickey meets up with Mandy, and he brings up Ian all coy, like “How’s he doin’?” And Mandy’s like, “He’s great. Has a new boyfriend.” And Mickey’s all, gulp, wtffff, feeeeelingssss. He asks if it’s serious, and she’s like, idk, maybe, why do you care? And he’s like, “Don’t.” Heh. And she’s like, yeah, sure, pal. “You’re a fucking pussy.” So a couple weeks later, Mandy invites him over for her birthday party or something, and he finally sees Ian again for the first time since the morning after. And he’s with the new boyfriend. And Mickey is like, so pissed off and not knowing what to do about it. Ian meets his eyes once, and gives him a curt nod of acknowledgement, then proceeds to ignore him for the rest of the night. Mickey just fumes in a corner, and Mandy comes over to lecture him like, BIG SIGH, “If you really actually like Ian, then just fucking tell him you want to date him. I don’t think he’s really invested in this other dude. YET. But that could change, so you need to make up your mind quick.” So the next time the bf disappears from Ian’s side, Mickey goes over, and is like, “Look, I know I was a dick, but the shitty thing is that I can’t stop thinking about you.” And Ian has to kind of push back a little first, so he’s defensively sarcastic. “Sounds like a you problem, not mine.” Mick: “Yeah, I know it ain’t your problem, but I just wanted to tell you that I’ve never really had that good a time with anyone before. In my whole fucked up life. So… whatever.” And he goes to walk away, but Ian’s all, “Wait.” And Mickey turns back around all raised eyebrows and biting his lip. Ian’s face softens, and he’s like, “What are you doing tomorrow night?” And Mickey shakes his head, “No plans.” Ian: “Maybe we could hang out or something.” Mickey: “What about your boyfriend?” Ian shrugs: “We’re not that serious. Doesn’t really feel… right.” Mickey smiles big then, and Ian rolls his eyes and smiles too, but pushes him further away, and says, “Tomorrow. After I give him the talk.” So they meet up the next night, and of course from that moment on, they’re pretty much boyfriends forever. :))) The end.

[switchjeon]

I’m only a morning person when it’s with you; Jikook

Pairing: Park Jimin & Jeon Jungkook; Jikook Genre: Fluff, established relationship

a/n: idk what I was thinking when I wrote this it just couldn’t stay in my drafts. (Cross-posted on ao3)

Summary: Jungkook tells Jimin he can’t sleep without him, but it quickly backfires

Word count: 1722

It's still dark outside when Jimin awakens; the room pitch black aside from the small green light of Jungkook's alarm clock that rests on his bedside drawer- a small, white box that lights up a different colour every hour. Jimin is still puzzled as to why Jungkook was so fond of the thing.

Said boy rests peacefully next to him, they had fallen asleep with hands tucked tightly between hips and waists, but they loosened in their sleep- only their legs managing to stay somewhat tangled together.

Jungkook sleeps on his side, facing Jimin, with one hand next to his face and the other clutching his pillow tightly. He's younger than Jimin anyway, but sleep makes him look even younger. Like he's revisiting youth in his dreams and his expression needs to play the part.

The covers rest at Jungkook's waist, because even though he drifts to sleep cocooned in the duvet, he kicks them off halfway through his slumber. He also usually ends up kicking Jimin too- which would explain why he is currently awake, and his fidgety boyfriend, is not.

Jimin sighs, moving closer to Jungkook, hoping for some body warmth seeing as he's been restrained from duvet usage. As he comes closer, Jungkook's eyes flicker open, a confused look on his face as he watches Jimin squirm about.

"What're you doing?" He asks.

There's so much sleep evident in his voice, Jimin has to make sure he's actually awake and not sleep-talking.

"You keep kicking me," Jimin whines, a pout settling on his lips.

Despite the obvious tiredness in his eyes, Jungkook manages to crack a fond grin, a look of amusement stretching across his face.

"I am sorry," he says cheekily "But it really isn't my fault you sleep too close to me."

"You cling to me!" Jimin accuses, horrified. Jungkook laughs, shutting his eyes and turning onto his back.

"It's okay hyung, I know you just can't get enough of me- even when I'm sleeping."

Jimin huffs, untangling himself completely from the younger and turning his back to him.

"I can sleep without you." He mumbles into the pillow.

He hears Jungkook laugh again, and he can't help but crack his own smile, despite his sulking state.

“You can’t,” Jungkook responds, “I know you can’t.”

“I can!” Jimin whines and he affectively turns over enough to shove his boyfriend in the chest before turning back.

Jungkook laughs harder, a hand coming up to rub at his chest, because sure Jimin’s hands are small but the boy has strength in those fingertips,

“Can’t.” He says, once his laughter has died down.

“Can,”

“Prove it.”

Jungkook can see Jimin’s body still and he grins, knowing he’s won this-

“Okay.” Jimin finally turns back fully to face him, “Okay, Jeon Jungkook. I’ll prove it to you.”

Jungkook’s face is slowly turning pale. He didn’t mean he actually wants Jimin to sleep without him, he’s not sure he could handle that at all, in fact, Jimin may sleep just fine without him, but for him to try and sleep without Jimin? There’s no way that would work. But as usual, his pride cracks a cheeky grin on to his face and he finds himself agreeing,

“Okay, sleep without me.”

Jimin rolls his eyes, before getting out of bed and moving to the small cupboard. He pulls out a spare blanket before making a point of creating as much distance as he can between them on their large double bed.

Jimin throws the blanket over himself before nodding pointedly towards himself,

“See. Without you,”

“Without me,” Jungkook echoes, watching as Jimin turns his back to him.

“Night kookie.”

Jungkook’s eyes don’t close until a full hour and a half later.

--

“You look shitty.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes, slumping into the seat next to his friend and trying not to annoy anyone in the lecture hall. (He already has though, he can’t help being unable to enter a place without making as much noise as possible.)

“Wow thank you Kim Taehyung you whole piece of shit that’s totally made my day brighter.”

Taehyung snickers, unaffected by his best friend’s words,

“What happened?” Taehyung continues, lowering his voice when he receives several glares. He’s not sure why they’re glaring; half of them aren’t paying attention anyway. “Got fucked into the am?”

“Okay first of all, I do the fucking.” Jungkook begins in a harsh whisper, “And second of all, no. It was just a rough night okay? Couldn’t sleep.”

Taehyung sucks in a breath,

“You and Jiminie aren’t fighting are you?”

Jungkook’s eyes widen,

“No- I- No.” He slowly starts to flip open a textbook, the image of Jimin’s back facing him the whole night appearing in his mind as he does so, “We’re fine,” He grins at Taehyung, “Just fine.”

Taehyung doesn’t buy it for a second.

When they meet Namjoon for lunch, Taehyung returns to his title of The Annoying,

“Doesn’t he look shitty, Joon?”

“Hyung!” Jungkook whines, shoving into his shoulder and almost succeeding in pushing Taehyung off the bench. Taehyung wobbles slightly, but manages to keep his balance. Damn dance majors.

Namjoon looks up after pocketing his phone and peers at Jungkook carefully,

“Yeah you look pretty shitty,”

Jungkook huffs,

“You guys are really mean you know that?”

“You can’t live without us,” Taehyung sings, and Jungkook has half a mind to drag him to the floor this time.

“Yoongi said we should meet up soon. Does that mean he wants to meet like a date or he wants to be friends and get to know each other? Would it be weird to ask?” Namjoon is suddenly talking a mile a minute and the younger two snicker behind their hands, amused at how their usually collected friend is falling to pieces because of a text from his crush,

“He wants a date,” A fourth voice pipes up from behind them and suddenly Hoseok is in view, taking his seat next to Namjoon. “I was with him just now, took him a full forty minutes to figure out how to say let’s fuck in words that aren’t that.”

Namjoon’s face falls,

“He just wants to fuck?”

“God no- Joon.” Hoseok rolls his eyes, “He likes you, okay? Whether you’re fucking or talking he likes you, just as much as you like him. So can you two just get together already?”

Namjoon’s face turns a shade of crimson as he fiddles with his phone, bottom lip caught between his top teeth, making Hoseok giggle at the sight of him speechless, before turning to face the younger two,

“So what’s with- shit, Kookie are you okay?

Jungkook groans as Taehyung throws his head back in laughter, disturbing every single person around them- not that he particularly cares.

“Okay, first of all, don’t call me Kookie.” Jungkook can hear the tone of Childish Brat on the Verge of Throwing a Tantrum seeping through his voice, but he continues nonetheless, “And yes, I’m fine.”

“Jimin calls you Kookie,” Namjoon pipes up. Before Jungkook can answer, Taehyung’s voice is everywhere,

“Jimin could call him dumpster and he’d revel in it,”

“Not true!” Jungkook shoves Taehyung hard, who once again only wobbles slightly, his grin never faltering,

“Seriously are you okay, Jungkook? You look exhausted.” Hoseok’s face is in a rare state of worry, making Jungkook sigh,

“I just- I just couldn’t sleep okay? It’s alright; I’ll nap when I get home.”

“You’re not sleeping properly again?” Seokjin’s voice is suddenly heard, and Jungkook wants to throw himself out the closest window. Why were they all so invested in his bedroom life?

“What do you mean again?” Namjoon’s eyebrows furrow slightly,

“He wasn’t sleeping right till he moved in with Jiminie remember?” Seokjin comes to sit next to Taehyung, swinging an arm around his shoulder and pressing a kiss to his cheek, “Was Jimin not home last night?”

“He was.” A knowing sound comes from everyone except Taehyung, and Jungkook turns red, “No! No- we didn’t-” He pauses to take a deep breath, deciding that he’s had enough. “Jimin hyung said he can sleep without me,” He begins softly, “So I said okay, even though I know damn well that I can’t sleep without him. So I didn’t sleep right last night, because my pride got stuck in the way,”

The others are silent for a bit, and Jungkook is confused, however when he lifts his head to look up at them all, there’s a pair of hands squeezing his shoulders,

“I’m glad you realised that, Jungkookie,” a voice speaks close to his ear, lips brushing teasingly,

Jungkook jumps, spinning to face a certain blond-haired boy, smirk playing on his lips as he looks down at him,

“You-” Jungkook begins, before he’s suddenly pulling Jimin by the wrists and pretty much manhandling him into his lap, arms tight around his waist as he presses his face into the elder’s neck. Jimin’s hand reaches out to softly pet through Jungkook’s hair, a smile growing on his face at his embarrassed state.

“You two are actually gross,” Taehyung says from next to them, and Jimin grins wide,

“Thank you Kim Taehyung, who I did witness sucking his boyfriend’s face in the back of my car last week on the way to the store, and he couldn’t leave the car because by the end of the journey he had developed-”

“Okay okay okay,” Taehyung is about to reach forward to press his hand over Jimin’s mouth if he doesn’t stop talking.

Jimin smiles sweetly,

“Did you two just have a fight without properly having a fight?” Hoseok asks, awe in his voice. Jimin giggles, and he even feels Jungkook’s smile growing against his neck,

“I think?”

“You’re actually unbelievable.” Seokjin says, and the others hum in agreement.

Jimin grins once more, his hand tugging at Jungkook’s hair to make him lift his face so he can press a kiss to his mouth.

“We’re sleeping together tonight, right?” Jungkook’s voice is soft, even though everyone else is now immersed in their own conversations,

“Of course. I found it hard to sleep without you too, you know,”

“Good.” Jungkook huffs, before burying his face back into the safety of Jimin’s neck. And if his face is actually there to litter light kisses against the smooth skin, then no one needs to know.

[severalbakuras]

i have made it.... i can watch the first episode of season threeeee.

i might do one episode a day to make it feel like less time until s4 comes out.

here we goooo

no new intro pffffff

red space best space

the beep noise kinda sounds like a heart monitor.

allura my girl <3

good speech coran

that’s a lot of blades are they like the shock troops for voltron now? are they robotic?

WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS TAKAMI WO MEZASHITE

another sick slow mo shot for lance (he looks like seasick after tho with all those blue lines)

THAT’S MY MAN HUNK

slightly less impressive alien designs like just spikes and doggie ears but at least they’re colourful.

‘oh hunk!’ joke counter: 1

wait so how long has it been since season 2 then bc kolivan seems surprised to learn that they can’t form voltron anymore like dude you know this right?? you should’ve had the ‘this cannot stand!!’ thing before this mission i think??

i feel like this suspicion towards the blades is not going to end well.

why do i feel like pidge hasn’t slept for weeks.

ARE THOSE KAMINA GLASSES CORAN

noah fence pidge but i don’t think matt would be happy to know you weren’t safe at home with mum just sayin

‘oh hunk!’: 2

keeeith ;A; TELL US HOW HE MET SHIRO I WANNA KNOW

HAGGAR BABE

“but he totally needs me looming over him it’s not creepy”

oOOH NEW GIRL. and she can stealthmode interesting.

i don’t think this counts as an oh hunk moment cooking is good encouraging boys to cook is good. (i know the #discourse on professional/celebrity chefs skewing male and shit but like for normal kids it’s a life skill that isn’t taught enough and especially to boys so yeah)

just... a galaxy? that is a v. small empire like i know galaxies are Huge but you could try harder zarkon sargeras has most of the universe down or on his side at this point along with like all the gods who created it (until they need a filler raid/instance boss lol).

fuck i should write my au thoughts on a warcraft crossover at some point i want some poor unlucky galra soldiers to crash into ice crown and find out why you don’t want to build anything out of saronite. i want allura (and coran) to meet velen and they can connect to him as a fellow leader escaping genocide and i want pidge and hunk to lose their minds at all the magi-tech and gnome vs goblin technology ‘war’. idk what lance and keith would do i guess keith would see if there’s any blacksmiths on azeroth who might’ve encountered a blade like his although he’s kind of the spelunking exploring type i bet either the explorer’s league or the reliquary would happily poach him to check out titan ruins. lance would probably... idk my first instinct is that he’d head to goldshire on the basis of considering himself a Cool Dude with an interest in cute girls but he’d probably take two selfies right at the front door to the inn and then immediately leave and spend the night sat by the lake feeding murlocs.

did i mention that some of my favourite aliens were the ones who had organic bodies and robotic voices or was it vice versa either way more of those please.

well keith’s not wrong tbh. tone’s harsh but he’s lost like The Most Important person in the world to him so i can’t blame him for getting upset. like also this dude asks to see voltron like he’s asking to see the new wheels on his coworker’s car or something.

and like. they do need to fight for themselves too like the symbol can live forever but even before they could form voltron it couldn’t be everywhere at once. voltron’s a robot he rusts and corrodes probably one day he will need to go to a space garage for his MOT or to fix his tail light and everyone will have to take care of themselves for a while.

so public opinion of haggar is not good if these two highly ranked generals are chitchatting in a galran sports bar.

exiled? lotor what did you do.

‘he fights alongside his men and isn’t entirely racist ugh what a twat’

(i’m not denying that he’s a twat because look at his fucking design and ‘permitting’ conquered worlds to live in pretty much the same way as they did pre-conquering was exactly what gengis khan did to keep control of his territories iirc i’m just saying these guys sound so petty hahaha)

he’s prettyyyy. fucking shit goddamnit. i hope you have beefy friends for me to love bc i have enough problematic prettyboy faves.

(fuckin give me some problematic prettygirl girls and beefy girls one day all i have for the latter is jasper and all i have for the former is sylvanas)

got that kingly presence i’ll give him th WHAT WAIT NO. WARCRAFT ORCS. LIKE ALL THIS HONOR IN COMBAT AND MIGHT = RIGHT AND HOW BEING A SNEAKY BINT IS SHITTY ETC ETC. dude heralds the warsong.

lotor you better not start any mak’goras i’ll be watching you.

(i’ll stop with the warcraft now)

(that’s a lie)

DREAMWORKS... HOW DID YOU KNOW...

hey invisigirl

can’t tell if the cat’s the general with their meat puppet or a cool faceless alien or an alien with a mask

youuuuu look like keith. like dead to rights that’s styled hair blue keith with lipstick.

lotor is possibly the most anime of the whole cast at this point.

he’s got lines under his eyes like he just wants to go to bed and honestly #mood

oh you sneaky bitch lotor. now how did he meet those four i wonder they seem to like him on a personal level given by the smiles. like they’re all stated to be half-galra kinda. so our options are the unpleasant garona halforcen-esque one which makes the galra Really Fucked Up (probably not) or the lotor style conquering which is Still Kinda Fucked Up (this one is the discourse bait and a little more likely) or like lotor tracks down civilian populations of galra on non-galra home planets that might not even know there’s a war going on all the way on the other side of the galaxy and recruit from there.

like say............... EARTH, MAYBE????????????

(LISTEN LOTOR MAKES A POINT OF STOCKING HIS TEAM WITH HALF GALRA PEOPLE.)

(KEITH IS HALF GALRA.)

(i’m just SAYIN.)

(d. do i ship lotor and keith. am i one of Those People. i mean i have my ot4 of keith/shay/allura/hunk which is The Best (and i’m literally the only person who ships that so my city now) but i’m allowed one incredibly shit ship per fandom right?)

(what is the ship name i hope it’s leith so i can make leaf puns but it might already be in use as an alternative to klance)

(can’t be as bad as jaina/garrosh right?????)

be still my heart is dreamworks going to let keith and lance have an emotional moment without immediately throwing a joke about it in afterwards?

... kinda? it’s a good step for lance but i don’t think it really helps keith out. like ‘oh man wasn’t shiro the best? now i didn’t know him anything like you did and i totally hero-worshipped him and i think this is what he’d think’.

allura gets it though good job a+ mirroring his words to pidge back when she tried to leave voltron too iirc.

new black paladin im not.... ready,.,.,.,.,..,,,.

[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight

[jude-harley]

mental health wheeeee

i’m going to talk about some mental health stuff, it’s okay if you don’t read, there’s some self harm talk and some friendship drama (i don’t blame them but i still have some feelings and if u think it might apply to you don’t worry i still love and care about you unless you don’t want me to love and care about you in which case i will respectfully maintain my distance) and also i feel like it’s kinda guilt trippy but i literally don’t know so

it’s just alot of me dumping my thoughts and feelings i’m not trying to look a certain way i hope, and i’m not trying to argue anything i don’t know this is just feelings 

but i’d really appreciate it if you like the post if you do read the whole thing

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooow okay so i got some feelings

see, for someone with mental health issues, a fucked up past, and all the shit i’ve gone through, i’m actually doing pretty damn well.

key word: for.

i....... mean, it’s like.

on the outside, i’m doing okay. i have pretty damn good grades (A’s and B’s, even at my super hard school!), i socialize with people, i eat, i sleep, i bathe myself (most of the time.) hell, i haven’t even self harmed! 

well, i don’t know if i’ve self harmed or not, i guess. i don’t really know what counts as self harm. but i haven’t caused any physical damage!!!!! 

and so, so, so many people would tell me i’m lucky. but i can’t help but feel, am i really?

i know that probably sounds incredibly fucking spoiled, but it’s like that one comic about how the broken cup is mended, and the chipped cup is cracked forever.

i’m not kidding when i say that. i internalize everything and trap my feelings and never let them out, but they don’t go away. ever. and then like, i don’t have a standard of what “normal” is, and i wind up suffering and in pair for so long because i just keep going and going and going and going and nobody notices and i think it’s normal because none of my work is affected and i’m still productive and i help other people so nothing must be wrong???

i stayed with my abusive mother for so fucking long because of that mentality

i guess what i’m saying is that the very specific life i’ve lead has cooked up a brain with a very weird.... brain thing. i don’t really think i can call it a mental illness?

see, my mental health so much revolves around other people. i need other people as a reference point for whats okay, it fluctuates based on other people’s opinions of me, i place my self worth on how useful and productive i am, and the main, absolute main reason i’ve stayed alive and never self harmed is because of other people.

but like.... not in a good or healthy way. well, right now, since i’m out of my abusive mom’s household i’m doing better and am trying to stay positive and motivated with things like “you can’t die yet because you haven’t shown your art to the guys who made avatar yet!” i mean, that’s still based around other people’s opinion of me, but at least it’s a more stable goal than appeasing my mother.

like, i swear, the day that she took away my computer, and screamed at me and hit me until i was sobbing in my bathroom, THE ONLY THING stopping me from cutting out of how much i hated myself was that it would make a mess, which was not good or productive.

and it’s just???? been like that for so fucking long???? i know “any reason to not self harm or commit suicide is a good reason” but it doesn’t FEEL like a good reason. i still hate myself so, so, so, so fucking much. i feel genuinely worthless. 

and it’s like.... you know, maybe it would be better if i self harmed? maybe i should? because then maybe someone would care because literally all it fucking takes for me to feel good is someone telling me i do good. that’s...... that’s fucking it.

and yeah i guess this is partially about some shit that happened with an online friend group that resulted in me getting banned from the group chat (i made a hitler joke without thinking, it was along the lines of “don’t kill baby hitler if u travel back in time lol” and spiraled so out of control) and i genuinely feel fucking awful about it. and i’m not angry at them. i’m really not. i guess i just wish that, i dunno.... honestly. i wish i knew how to think and what to do exactly? because i had fucked up without thinking before and i’ve apologized before and said i would get better, and i’ve really been trying, i’ve been trying so hard to get better, but like, they’ve said i haven’t actually gotten better and i do feel really bad and idk i don’t know if i actually have gotten better and they were just angry or if i haven’t improved i dunno

and like the worst part is that i feel like i can’t express that i really am sorry without sounding like a liar and a faker and fucking manipulative and just trying to get it over with (even right now!!!!) because that’s how my mom was and god i feel like even right now i’m making more fucking excuses because i’m just a shitty person like that. i’m so sorry if it is like that don’t feel bad 

but also i guess it’d be nice if when calling me out and shit they had made me feel like less of a despicable person like they literally did say alot of shit like that and i don’t even remeber who did it (there were three times i was called out within the group chat, the first time i really WAS doing something shitty and i needed to be called out and i felt alot.... idk cleaner afterwards and i think i really did improve

the other two times i guess it was really just one guy who’s real name i don’t know and a couple other people (it’s such a blur i can’t remember) who were fairly justified but idk i wish that they weren’t so harsh about it i guess. i mean they didn’t have to be like “what u did wasn’t that bad uwu” but it would have been nice if they had been more like “what u did was shitty, but you can learn from it.” i mean i’m not trying to be passive agressive here this is legit how i feel. also i feel like they didn’t believe me when i apologized and i’m paranoid about being guilt trippy when i talk about my feelings (see: my mother) and i guess this just made it worse because i can’t say that it’s just my mental illness, there’s a strong basis for fact here and every time i feel bad about it i just feel more guilt trippy and it’s a horrible vicious cycle

DISCLAIMER IT IS NOT MY FRIENDS FAULT I STILL LOVE THEM AND I MISS THEM EVERY DAY BUT I WANT TO RESPECT THEIR DESCION TO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE

mina, vi, madi, if you are reading this, i am sorry, i really am. you don’t have to forgive me or be friends with me again but i don’t hate you and i don’t want to hurt you. i understand that i might hurt you without meaning to and it’s better for you to be away from me, that’s okay. but i want you to know you aren’t bad people, and i don’t hate you or not like you, and you guys deserve the best stuff in the world.

i dunno, i guess this kinda got off topic. odds are they won’t actually read it, and i still feel guilty trippy and bad. like so so so fucking guilt trippy. i feel fake and like a faker and my moiral hasn’t been online for a while and i really miss her

tldr: i feel like fucking shit and a faker who guilt trips people because i hurt some people and feel about about it and because i manage to remain functional and productive despite my shit and it makes me feel like a faker and also makes me want to self harm because it’s not actually that bad unless i self harm. i don’t actually want to die thank god now that i’m out of my abusive mother’s household but i’m so close to self harming. 

WARNING I TALK A SHIT TON ABOUT DEATH AND SUICIDE AND SELF HARMING

i mean i feel like it wouldn’t hurt if i just. did it once. you know i already get so many intrusive thoughts about hurting myself i could maybe just..... cut myself a couple places on my arms. on my legs. not neat, messy, natural, like i got them in a fight or in an accident. but i guess then nobody would still notice unless i told them but maybe i could tell them 

but if i told them then i would just be a faker, right, cause i don’t actually wanna die. again, literally i don’t want to die because it would be an inconvenience to other people. i have maybe, like, one reason i don’t want to die that isn’t “i’d inconvience other people and make them sad despite the fact that i’m a useless piece of garbage because one, death in general makes people upset, two, i’m leave behind such a mess, not just physically, but with all the paperwork too, and three, people wouldn’t actually miss me all that much, they’d feel sorry for themselves, feel soooooo bad because oh no where did i go wrong, all the bullshit like that.” of course, some people would be more than inconvenienced, my dad, stepmom, sister, pets, and hopefully my two best friends would be heartbroken, but my mom would only mourn for her hypothetical daughter, not her real kid who’s gender is... i don’t even know. probably a boy and a girl. but she’d never accept it. 

anyway, my only reason for living other than what’s stated above is i have to go show the avatar guys my work, and my long term reason for living is making a tv show a la gravity falls that alex hirsch loves so much he guest stars in it and maybe even works on it with me.

so alex, if you go, i go too.

but yeah see if i did that i’d jsut be doing it for attention and everyone would hate me because i’m amking a mockery of a real and serious mental illness. and then if my dad found out i’d be sent to a mental institution for a week (protocol where i live, if your child shows suicidal ideation, send em to the hostipal) and other people would be like, “yeah i’m in cause i took 48 prozacs and then went swimming in a pool of vodka that i not only drank but attempted to drown myself in” and i’d be there like “yeah uh i cut myself once for attention and it was specifically planned out in a place that wouldn’t kill me but would attract just enough attention to get other people to sympathize with me because atm i don’t actually want to die, i just kinda hate myself” and then they’d all hate me cause i’m a fucking faker who’s passing all they’re classes and even did well in most of them and is on track and doesn’t do drugs or have sex or do anything dangerous and i don’t really hate myself and i’m just a fucking leech on resources who think’s they’re depressed BUT THEY ARENT AND I’M JSUT A DFUKCING PIECE OF SHIT

and see i know this would happen because at my local lgbt+ club lots of people think i’m a faker and a prude or maybe they don’t and they see me as 100% mentally healthy or they even envy my life and if i hated myself they’d be like “wtf????? ur life i so good man???? like, only one parent is abusive??? you have good grades???? you handle urself??? you have friends????? you aren’t as bad as me”

and okay maybe they don’t treat me like that and they probably don’t but it’s how i feel. i feel like shit and a faker but why do i want to hurt myself so much but not die that doesn’t make sense

but listen if you get to the end of this, and you are reading this. this isn’t a situation where i’m like, “tell me how awful i am” see because after reading this i guess you get that i hate myself but i don’t hate myself but i hate myself for not hating myself that much 

so if ur reading this and u wanna help yes, yes, validation and positivity and “ur not a horrible person or a faker” would be unbelivabley helpful because like i said i’m very impacted by other people