#i know that he wont reach out to people in hopes they 'care enough' about him to do it

[famewolf]

i will genuinely never understand my dad!!! and i feel guilty for being confused and angered by him!!!! i don't know what he wants and i doubt i ever will

i guess he's known that he's had cancer for over a month now but never told me. and i dont know if it's because he wanted me to reach out/pay attention to him, as he's done in the past or if he just didn't think to, or if it's some other third mysterious reason that i can't think up

we aren't close since he was rarely in my life but i feel like that's something you tell your kid.

and the only reason i found out is because i went to go check and see why he hadn't replied to my message about asking if he wanted to hang out for the thousandth time without getting a response

[latetaektalk]

love to hate you | jjk [viii]

“when obnoxiously rich and spoiled frat boy jeon jungkook comes up to you one day and asks you to fake date him for money, you definitely should have said no. because before you knew it, you were going on insta dates with him and having lunch with his equally obnoxiously rich and spoiled friends.”

— genre: sexual themes, angst, fluff, fratboy! AU, fake dating! AU, college! AU, rich kid! AU, enemies to lovers! AU

— pairing: jungkook x female reader

— word count: 18.351

— warnings: swearing/cursing, communication skills nowhere to be found, chronic overthinking, emotional rollercoaster, confusingly set during christmas <3

— a/n: and just like that we've crossed 100k !! its here, the big one. by far one of my favourite chapters that ive written so far!! hope you guys enjoy it!! praying yall wont hate me for this one haha once again, this is inspired by To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han!

You didn’t miss the look Chaeyoung and Jisoo exchanged, or the way Hoseok longingly looked after Jimin as he quickly walked away to get everyone some food after you sat down, or how Jimin muttered something about how someone clearly needed something to eat. The comment didn’t bother you because he was right and you could admit as much.

The mall had never been your favourite place to go, and even less so today. The Christmas decoration put up around you seemed overly tacky and in bad taste, and you could have ripped off your ears, sick of listening to the same three Christmas songs over and over again. You closed your eyes that ached from the bright colourful lights, and scrunched your nose when your arm bumped into one of your shopping bags. Your patience hung by a string, the fibers breaking with every passing second. Everything hurt, from your head to your arms and your feet.

Nothing was right, and there seemed to be no end to it.

“Fries?” 

Jimin specifially offered them to you, placing two medium plates of golden fries in the middle of the table. You took him up on it, taking two and throwing them into your mouth. The fries were bland and not salty enough but you took three more pieces, shoving your face full. As if the grease and carbs would fix anything. 

“Do you wanna try the thrift store that Ji suggested?” Chaeyoung asked, choosing her words carefully, and you cringed, shaking your head. 

“No.”

The silence continued, and you didn’t miss the looks your friends exchanged. There was clearly a conversation going on over your head, but you didn’t care, reaching for one fry after the other.

“Y/N, it’s gonna be fine,” Jimin said in the end, putting his arm around your shoulder. Bold, but when was he not. “Don’t be so down. That one dress- the beige one looked great on you!”

“Yeah, but also, they don’t care about what you wear,” Jisoo continued, not allowing you to even begin to disagree.

“And you still have time to find the perfect thing, right? If you do decide that the dress isn’t up to standard. Didn’t you get some stuff online too?” Hoseok asked, trying to get you to look at him, but you just closed your eyes and pulled your lips into a line.

They didn’t get it. But telling them that would be of no use, just like how their words didn’t encourage you the slightest bit. 

“I promise you Kook’s parents are really the sweetest people I’ve-”

“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know,” you mumbled, cutting off Jimin. You rubbed your eyes until you saw black spots. With a sigh, you leaned back. “I’ll figure it out, I think.”

There was no confidence in your words. To you, it seemed like your life was about to end, all over a stupid outfit you couldn’t put together. The thought almost made you laugh and cry at the same time. This was as ridiculous as it could get. 

“What did Kook say?” Chaeyoung asked, and you frowned.

“About what?”

She blinked at you, her brows creasing together. “Well, have you talked to Kook about any of this? How you’re worried about meeting his parents?”

You pressed your mouth into a line, and you didn’t even know where to begin. It seemed futile to you to explain that you possibly couldn’t tell Jungkook about all of the thoughts suffocating your mind. You would look stupid, like an absolute fool. You would look like you cared, and really, you didn’t. It would weird him out—how much you stressed about it, how much it was on your mind. But then again, really, actually, you didn’t care at all. You just were… especially irritable these days. Hormones were raging—your period, of course, greeting you just a day prior.

“No,” you exhaled, shaking your head. You didn’t know what exactly you were denying—you being stressed about meeting his parents, or you not talking about it to him. Probably both. “He’s busy with his stuff. He’s got a paper to finish- it’s fine.”

And even though you closed your eyes, you knew your friends were looking at each other. There was a carefulness with which they spoke to you, and you did feel bad. Just nothing seemed to lift your spirits.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t been in… a good mood these days,” you told them, getting more annoyed at yourself for being the way you were. You hid your face in your hands. “I don’t know what’s up with me.”

“It’s fine,” Jimin assured you. “We know you’re stressed.”

Jisoo placed an arm around you, leaning her shoulder against yours. She opened her mouth before closing again, ultimately she decided to speak. 

“What if… you don’t go?” 

“Ji,” Jimin whispered, looking at her as if she had just suggested something criminal.

“I’m just saying— it’s stressing her out so much, maybe she shouldn’t go.” Jisoo shrugged, believing her suggestion to be rather harmless. “She can meet his parents another time, right?”

You looked at her. She grimaced, apologetic, about to backpedal, taking your expression as offence. But you waved her off. Her suggestion was meant well, you knew that. It would also be more than a lie to say you hadn’t thought about it too. Of course, you had. But you couldn’t do it. Not when the image of Narae popped into your mind every time you did consider it. 

“Okay, fine,” Jisoo sighed, relenting. “But I’m just saying he’ll understand if you don’t want to go. It’s not like you guys are getting married.”

Chaeyoung mumbled something to her, but you couldn’t hear it. If you had to guess she told her to lay it off, which you were admittedly thankful for.

“I don’t even have gifts,” you groaned, remembering that your outfit wasn’t the only issue plagueing your mind. “Do I bring an actual gifts? Or just wine? Flowers? Something more personal? I don’t fucking know.”

“Do you have to bring them anything?” Hoseok asked, frowning. “I mean yeah, I guess it’s Christmas and you’re meeting them for the first time, but I don’t know, I’m not sure if you have to bring them anything.”

“I don’t think you do. They’re just happy to meet you, I promise,” Jimin said, squeezing your shoulder, but somehow, his answer annoyed you even more. Because what if he was wrong? And they use it as a reason as to why they didn’t like you because you showed up empty handed? Poor and rude? You wouldn’t even take a single step in their home. And even if Jimin was right, that they were just happy to meet you—it seemed even worse. Because all you had to show for yourself to Jungkook’s parents then would be…. yourself. 

And what if that wasn’t enough?

You groaned, leaning back again. Everything was making your situation only worse, giving you an even bigger headache, feeding the heavy pit in your stomach. And as you spiraled, you didn’t notice the rather obvious text Chaeyoung send, or the even more obvious way Jimin’s phone lit up on the table to display it, just for him to quickly grab it and start typing. Jisoo leaned over to look, and Chaeyoung quickly mumbled something into Hoseok’s ear. You wouldn’t even notice the way Chaeyoung jumped when you spoke suddenly again,

“Let’s just finish eating and go home. I wanna go home.” 

No one protested.

By the end, the fries were gone and the grease had eaten through the recycled brown paper plates, and your mood wasn’t much better, still the same level of annoyance always buzzing in the back of your mind. Grabbing the bags from the various shops you had walked in and out of with your friends today, you made your way out of the mall. Stepping outside, you hugged yourself, the wind harsher than the past few days. 

“What way is your car again?” you asked, teeth gritting. Your question was aimed at Chaeyoung, but you didn’t have the nerve to look at her. With the tip of your boot, you scraped against the concret, enjoying the way it rolled back and forth. You lifted your head when no one would answer, confused by the silence.

“Oh, uh,” Chaeyoung began, glancing at Jimin who was typing away on his phone. “Give us… a minute.”

She said it as if it was a question, gesturing for you to wait. You looked over to Jisoo and Hoseok for some sort of explanation, but they both kept their mouths shut.

“Where’s your girlfriend’s car?”

Hoseok blushed, and you knew he still wasn’t used to the development of his and Chaeyoung’s relationship. It was cute, and it did make you smile a little.

“Just tell me.” 

You tried nice. Nice didn’t work.

“I-I don’t know.” 

You sighed, your hands on your hips, shopping bags knocking on your legs. The cold wavered your voice.

“Ji?”

But rather than even say anything, or make an attempt to stall you, she waved you off, flicking her wrist back and forth. At least, Hoseok and Chaeyoung tried to dismiss you subtly.

“Oh my God, what are you guys looking at? Can we just go home, I’m really cold here and I just wanna-”

“Ah, yes, he’s here!” Jimin exclaimed before slapping his hand over his mouth, eyes wide. “Oops.”

You stopped, not needing a second to understand. Jisoo punched his arm. 

“You texted Jeon?”

If you were upset and annoyed before, you were even more so now. You leaned forward, as if the reality weighed down on you and physically pushed you. Your eyes darted back and forth between your friends before ultimately landing on Jimin, who was shrinking in on himself.

“Are you guys for real?” you hissed, your eyes rolling into the back of your head. You could have ripped out your hair. “But why?”

Everyone looked to Chaeyoung. “We- we think it’d be good if you talk to him. You’re clearly stressed about meeting his parents, so why not talk about it?”

She added on a smile, and you closed your eyes, groaning. 

“Guys, I’m fine.” You dug your hands through your hair, looking over your shoulder, relieved to see that he was nowhere. “Where is he? Is he here already? Tell him to go home. He has a paper to-”

An arm wrapped around your shoulder, and you didn’t need to look to know who it was.

“Go home.”

“Damn, hi, it’s nice to see you too, cabbage,” Jungkook laughed, grinning at you even as you frowned at him. He pinched your nose, and you didn’t even have it in you to swat his hand aside, closing your eyes instead. 

“You guys weren’t kidding. She’s in a bad mood.”

Your frown deepened, mouth setting into a thin line. Jungkook squeezed your shoulder, quietly apologising to you for his comment, but his smile remained on his lips. 

“Alright, I think—” Chaeyoung hooked her arm into Hoseok’s. “—it’s time to go.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll take her home,” Jungkook said, nodding to confirm his own words. “Get home safe.”

“Great, text us when you get home,” Jisoo said, waving at you. “We love you, Y/N! And oh, nice scarf!”

Jungkook laughed, thanking her.

“Yeah, good luck, Kook! Also love ya, Y/N!” Jimin laughed before taking off, sprinting ahead, scared you might just throw one of your bags after him. (Which you were strongly considering) The others waved you goodbye, and even though you were more than ticked off, you did the same, mumbling a goodbye their way. God knows they had put up with your attitude with enough grace today already. You sighed once they left your sight, shrugging off Jungkook.

You looked at him and your gaze softened, if only a little. Even more so when you saw it, wrapped around his neck so prettily. There was something very messy about him today—his hair not done in its usual way, hanging into his eyes, getting longer each time you saw him, the collar of his coat not folded down properly. If you had to guess, he had walked out the moment he got the text from Jimin. But he had thought of your scarf, looped it around his neck carefully. Looking at him now, out in the cold, you were glad you had invested the time into learning how to knit. The scarf suited him, the red matching him well. You were almost tempted to knit another one, one in every colour.

“You’re wearing the scarf.”

“Of course,” he returned, smiling at you, and you wondered if his cheeks hurt, red from the cold. 

The thought embarrassed you. You looked down, returning to rolling the tip of your boot on the conrete, back and forth, back and forth.

“Go home.”

“Okay, yeah, let’s go home together.”

He reached to take the bags from you, but you pulled away, lifting your head. “No, Jeon, go home. I’m fine.”

Jungkook shoved his hands into his pockets, shaking his head. This wasn’t going to be easy, he realised. “And how will you get home?”

His question made you frown, as if that was the issue at hand right now. You almost scoffed.

“I’ll walk-”

“Right, because walking in the cold is such a good idea, hm?

“Fine, I’ll take the bus.”

“Do you even know where the next bus station is?” 

“I can look it up.”

“Or you can just, you know,“ he leaned towards you, and you couldn’t back off, “not be so stubborn and let me just give you a ride home.”

You pursed your lips, shaking your head. Why was he being oh so frustrating? Why couldn’t he make this easy for you? Why wasn’t he at all discouraged by your behaviour? It didn’t make any sense to you. He should be annoyed with you and your attitude, infuriated because you were being difficult for no real reason. And yet, he smiled and laughed at you, showed you patience. It was strange to you, unexpected.

“I never asked you to pick me up.” 

It was like you were a goddamn teenager, fighting with her parents, trying your very best to tick them off. It was like you wanted him to be mad at you, and in some ways, in some real ways, maybe you did. You felt sorry for your friends about your attitude, but not with Jungkook somehow. For some reason, you couldn’t extend the same empathy to him. At least not in this moment.

He didn’t say anything, hesitated, his brows creasing together. His eyes darted to the ground before ultimately finding you again, tongue in his cheek, nodding. For a moment, you thought you won, did it. 

“Yeah, you didn’t,” Jungkook said, taking one two three steps in your direction, slowly prying the shopping bags from you. “But I’m still here to pick you up.”

And when he met you with a smile, you knew there wasn’t anything you could do. You let your head hang, as tears shot into your eyes. It had never happened before, you were never one quick to cry, but right now you felt like it. You blinked them away, not allowing Jungkook to know.

He took your silence as a sign of defeat, which it was. Very much so. He had won, and you had to admit that you were actually relieved. That he had proven you wrong, that he hadn’t just left after you had repeatedly insisted he should, or gotten annoyed and sick with you. 

Jungkook shifted all of the shopping bags into one hand, using his free one to grab yours. Like he would, of course he would, he placed a kiss on the back of your hand before putting your hands into his coat pocket to keep warm, together. You could have begun crying again.

“Be a good girlfriend, alright?” he told you, leading you to his car, and you scoffed, hoping your voice didn’t sound as unstable and shaky as you felt.

“Be a good girlfriend?” you repeated, raising a brow. Jungkook was quick to see his mistake and correct himself,

“I mean, let me be a good boyfriend to my girlfriend and pick her up after a—” He hesitated, squinting as if he was searching for the right word. “—fun, right?”

There was something inherently cheeky and smug about Jungkook. But you couldn’t quite take offence to any of it, nodding, even if you knew that today wasn’t the funnest day. (And you were to blame.)

“Fun day at the mall with her friends.”

You pressed your lips together. “But what about your paper?”

He paused and looked at you before shaking his head and laughing. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m almost done. I’ll finish it at your place.”

His hand squeezed yours, and you hated how warm he made you feel. How the warmth spread from your chest to the the tips of your ears and feet. How even if you tried, he remained patient with you. You hated it because it made it so much harder, for you not to fall for him again and again. You hated it because you almost believed him that you could be one of those stupidly in love couples that held hands in their pockets and made each other scarfs.

Jungkook opened the car door for you, and you climbed inside, thankful for the few seconds you had to yourself as he loaded your shopping bag into the trunk. Without a word, he gave you his phone, and by now, you knew the drill. 

You unlocked his phone in second before quickly typing in your current location into Google maps. Your address popped up at the top, bookmarked, when you tapped to enter the destination. Handing him his phone back, you wondered what Jungkook’s password meant, 09052020. It seemed so oddly specific, but you didn’t bother asking.

“You should show me what you got.”

The water remained in your mouth a second longer before you swallowed it, slowly screwing the top back on the bottle, eyes set on Jungkook. You shook your head and leaned against your kitchen counter. He was just a few steps away from you, sitting on your couch, taking up all the space, arms spread left and right. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

He gave you a look, as if to say oh please! His head rolled back for a second.

“I think you should.”

You didn’t respond, pulling your phone out of your pocket instead. Deeming your silence as enough of an answer, you scrolled through your phone, opening the group chat between your friends and you, your feet crossing at your ankle. But before you could even read one text-

“But isn’t that why you were in a bad mood?”

It seemed brave of Jungkook to address it so openly. Or maybe just incredibly honest. You couldn’t do it. He didn’t seem afraid at all that you might just dip back into your bad mood at the mention of it and come out bats swinging. It was admirable in some ways. You didn’t rememeber him to be this confrontative a few months ago when you started this, him and you. He seemed to have found a confidence with you now, convinced he knew the ins and outs of you. Maybe he did. He probably did, in some ways. You couldn’t say if you liked it all that much.

You snorted, an attempt to make light of the situation. “Yeah, so why bring it up again?”

Jungkook reached his hands out to you, a gesture for you to come his way. You thought about it for a moment before abandoning both your phone and the water bottle on the kitchen counter and moving over. He scooted to the edge of your couch to allow you to step between his legs. His hands held yours, thumbs brushing the inner part of your wrist, back and forth.

“My parents don’t care,” he told you, staring up at you with his big eyes, squeezing your hands as he spoke, physically stressing his words. “They really don’t care, I promise you. They’re just excited to meet you. And so am I, excited.”

He paused, allowing his words to sink in with you and take effect. 

“But I know you care and you’re stressed about it,” Jungkook mumbled, and you couldn’t look at him, eyes finding the floor instead, right where your carpet curled up because sometimes your couch would dig into it and flip it up. It was so very embarrassing that he knew how much you cared. It felt like you were ripping out your heart and letting him inspect it. You wanted to correct him, set the record straight that really, you didn’t care at all whatsoever! but it felt like a cheap attempt, even more humiliating.

“So why don’t you show me?” he asked, shaking your hands to get you to look at him. You didn’t want to but did anyway. His gaze was soft, just like his smile, and his hair fell into his eyes. You brushed it away. It made his smile widen, so much so he brought your hand to his lips and kissed it.

It was sealed for you then.

“Alright, fine,” you sighed, defeated, moving away from him to dig through your shopping bags. “Look away.”

“What? Why?”

“What do you mean?” you frowned. “I’m changing.”

Jungkook’s features morphed from a frown to a smile in a second before he ultimately began laughing. “Are you really gonna be too embarrassed to change in front of me?” He gave you a moment to deny it. “I’ve seen and touched-”

“Oh my God, just turn around,” you hissed, and for some reason, your cheeks were as hot as the sun. “Either that, or I won’t try on anything.”

He exhaled the most dramatic sigh he could, making a point to show you that he even pressed his hands to his eyes. Just for that, you wanted to kick him. But you should have known that Jungkook wasn’t quite done, needing to squeeze in one more comment, purely to annoy you and nothing more. There wasn’t anything serious about it at all, no deeper meaning.

“Are you gonna be like this when we’re married with kids?”

You froze, arms up and your face mushed together by your sweater and half of your body exposed to the naked air with only your bra to show for. He wasn’t serious, you knew. There was lightness and an obvious teasing embedded with his words. You doubted Jungkook even expected a response from you, probably just enjoyed knowing he made you flustered even if he couldn’t see it. And yet, your heart began pounding and your hands sweating and your cheeks burning and your mind reeling for any possible retort you could offer. Before you could stutter something, he spoke again,

“Sorry.”

The smile was evident in his voice, and when you finally peeled off your sweater, you turned out to be right. You shook your head, throwing your sweater at him before you could think better of it. It hit him in the face.

“Ow, cabbage! That’s not fair, I have my eyes-” 

“I’m so close to kicking you out, you know?” you mumbled, keeping your voice quiet as if raising it by any means was dangerous. You pulled off your pants and your stockings you had layered underneath for some extra warmth.

“I said I’m sorry, cabbage.” 

But Jungkook sounded far from sincere. You didn’t bother responding, grabbing one of the shopping bags and slipping on the sweater you had thrifted. It was off the shoulders and this warm midnight blue colour, rich and beautiful and cozy. You moved to your old dresser and pulled out the black maxi skirt you had thought to combine it with. The outfit was simple, but with the right accesoires (ones you would still have to buy which the thought of it already gave you a headache), it could work. At least, it could in theory because when you looked at yourself in your full body mirror (which you had thrifted when you had first moved in), you frowned.

“Can I look?”

You gave a grunt in response, still looking at your reflection as if you had put together the most hideous outfit possible. It wasn’t much of a yes or no, so for a few seconds Jungkook hesitated, but he slowly peeled his eyes open.

“Oh, cabbage! You look so amazing-”

“No.”

It was as simple as that for you, shaking your head.

“What? But you look-”

“I don’t like it,” you said, already moving to take off the skirt. “Close your eyes.”

You expected some sort of protest from Jungkook, but he actually did as you said. Just as quick as you had decided that the outfit wouldn’t work, you peeled it off of you. You rummaged through your next shopping bags, looking at the pieces you had gotten—a cream knit sweater and white maxi skirt. But all of a sudden, you hated it. You clearly remembered loving the clothes in the store, giving the outfit a couple spins and scrutiniscing it from head to toe until it was deemed worthy of your money. But right now as you looked at it, you felt quite the opposite.

With a sigh, you pulled the last shopping bag towards you. It had the dress your friends had mentioned you should wear. This time, you didn’t inspect it any further, not having the nerve for it. So you just bunched up the fabric and slipped it on. But you didn’t tell Jungkook you were finished changing. Instead you turned and looked at yourself in the mirror first.

Jisoo had found it for you—a maxi slip dress. It was in a beautiful and rich wine red colour, oozing warmth, and soft to the touch. The satin flowed down your body, hugging your curves, and reflecting your dim living room lights like water. Lace was stitched along the neckline, which otherwise probably would have been a little too low given the occasion. The straps securing the dress were tied up into small ribbons around your shoulders, giving it a more dainty and playful look. The slit on the left side reached up until your knee, allowing the fabric to move along with your body in harmony. It was a beautiful dress, made for any occasion with the correct accessoires and styling. 

You were objectively and undeniably beautiful in it. 

And yet, you stared at yourself as if it wasn’t, brows knitted together and lips pursed in a pout, eyes wandering up and down. It wasn’t insecurity—you felt great and comfortable in the dress. But something about it just wasn’t right. You tried imaging yourself all dolled up in it, hair and makeup done to your liking, but the frown remained. It wasn’t perfect enough.

You shook your head, moving to take it off. When you turned on your heel, you looked straight at Jungkook, and Jungkook looked straight at you. His eyes were big and wide and set on you, his mouth agape and curling up into a smile. You gasped, both in surprise and upset.

“W-why are you looking?” you hissed, feeling the heat crawl up your neck, and you threw your arms around yourself.

“I’m sorry. You- you just took so long, cabbage. And so I looked and…” Jungkook finished his sentence with a simple shrug and smile. You frowned at his answer, shaking your head.

“Close your eyes,” you spat through gritted teeth, turning around to change out of the dress. “I’m changing-”

“What? Why?” Jungkook sounded genuinely confused, jumping up from his seat and moving your way, shaking his head. “You look amazing! Please don’t change. I love this dress on you!”

He stopped short in front of you, turning you around and taking your hands into his. 

“This dress suits you so well,” he whispered as if it was some sort of secret. You looked to the mirror behind you, inspected yourself, eyes shooting up and down. Jungkook stepped behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist, his fingers interlacing in front of the soft of your belly. He pushed you to lean fully against him, his eyes scanning every inch of you.

“You’re so pretty. So very pretty.” 

His words tasted like Christmas chocolate, were thick with honey and sugar, stuck to your teeth. They were bad. Horrible. For you and your heart. Because they sounded so very believable. 

“You look incredible.”

He finished with a kiss to the back of your head, and you didn’t know where to look. You placed your hands on his, tentatively, and he was quick to take them into his, scoop them up and hold them tight. He had to know, you thought to yourself, how hard your heart was beating.

“Don’t you like it?”

You met his gaze in the mirror, mouth settled into a line. 

“I like the dress,” you said, tilting your head. 

“But?”

“I don’t like it for…”

“Meeting my parents?” Jungkook supplied when you wouldn’t finish your sentence, and you didn’t answer, averting your gaze instead. “What do you not like about it?”

You closed your eyes, feeling so very silly. Because you couldn’t say. You didn’t know. There shouldn’t be anything to dislike about the dress, nothing about it was wrong—you loved every little detail, and even more how you felt in it.

“What do you think?” 

“I don’t think my opinion really matters here,” Jungkook laughed, and you peeled your eyes open, a smile tugging on the corners of your lips. He was annoying. Just couldn’t provide you with a simple answer when he even has already voiced his thoughts. “But I think you look really pretty in this dress.”

You scrunched your nose. “How pretty?”

“So pretty I wouldn’t mind going blind now.”

You smiled, no, grinned. He was so stupid.

“So pretty I can’t believe you don’t like it.” 

You tilted your head to the side.

“So pretty I don’t want you to ever take it off again.” 

He pressed kisses to your neck and shoulder, nose burying into your hair, words mumbled into your skin, and hands beginning to wander further south, scrunching the fabric. You let him.

”So pretty I want to take a picture of you and print it out and hang it up above my bed and also keep another one in my wallet and change my background picture to-”

“O-okay, enough!” you said, pushing him away from you because your limbs were beginning to tingle and burn, and his touch was sending shocks through your entire body. Even more so, his hands were beginning to go to places he shouldn’t, not right now at least. You made sure to keep him at an arm’s length, palm pressing into his chest, in fear he’d simply close the distance if you didn’t physically stop him.

“You’re so ridiculous, Jeon,” you said, shaking your head, laughing a little. “You can never be serious, can you?”

“But I am! I’m very serious! Looking at you makes me wanna-”

You were quick to shake your head, hands pressing to your ears because no no no, you didn’t want to know! All while you were smiling, grinning almost. Without realising it, Jungkook had done the impossible—lifted your mood, made you laugh when you felt irritated and annoyed by everything before. 

“Fine, I won’t tell you!” Jungkook sighed, dramatically rolling his eyes. You looked at him, lowering your hands, your smile cemented on your lips.

“You’re so stupid, Jeon,” you mumbled, scrunching your nose, and he gasped in faux upset.

“That’s so mean, cabbage!”

“Oh, just shut up.”

Jungkook slung his arms around your middle, doing so before you could even think to stop him. His chin dropped to your shoulder, hands scopping up yours again and eyes meeting in the mirror.

“So, what do we think?”

You raised a brow. “Now, it’s we? I thought your thoughts didn’t matter-”

He sighed, closing his eyes for a second. “Fine, what do you think?”

And you inspected yourself again, gaze wandering up and down. You didn’t know what it was, but the dress seemed different now. It was still the same fabric, same cut, nothing had changed, but you remembered why you had bought the dress, why you had taken Jisoo up on her offer to try it on when she had shown it to you. Because it was beautiful, even more so with you in it.

“Is this the dress?” Jungkook whispered into your ear, and you knew he was hoping for a yes. 

You tilted your head to the side, heart beating faster when you opened your mouth. Because yes, it was. The dress, choosing it, it was another step closer to meeting Jungkook’s parents, another hurdle out of the way. Your eyes met his in the mirror, his face so close to yours. The two of you standing there together, you almost could convince yourself you were an actual couple.

“Yeah, it is.”

He beamed, tightening his arms around you, letting out a small sigh of relief. “Okay, good, I’m glad.”

You lowered your gaze, and you wondered if he maybe feared you wouldn’t go because you couldn’t find anything to wear. If maybe that was the reason for why he came so quickly because he didn’t want you to use that excuse. Because otherwise he would have to explain to his precious and perfect parents why his girlfriend refused to meet them-

“How does the 22nd sound to you by the way?” Jungkook asked, pulling you out of your trains of thoughts, almost as if he knew. He mumbled the words into your skin, and you felt every move of his lips. “To meet my parents, I mean.”

Just eight days.

“Y-yeah, that… should work,” you returned, breathless and high pitched, eyes finding the floor. He stared at you in the reflection, nudging you to do the same. You hesitated, but did as he said, breath hitching in your throat when you saw the way he was looking at you, oh so sincere and genuine.

“It’s gonna be fine.”

There was something assuring about the way he said it. If anyone elses told you these words, it would do you no good, bring you no relief. But when he did, it did. It was silly really.

“I promise you.”

“Yeah, really, Jeon?” you laughed shallowly, tucking a strand behind your ear and swallowing. “You promise me?”

And as if looking at your mere reflection just wasn’t enough for him, Jungkook turned you around by your hips, forcing your eyes to meet his. 

“I promises you, cabbage. I won’t leave you for one second, alright? Hell, I will drive you there and home again, okay? I’ll be there with you for every second of the day, from the moment you wake up to the moment you go back to bed, glued to your side, so much so you’ll be so annoyed by me that you’ll want me gone. You won’t even go the bathroom on your own, okay?” He paused for a second, scrunching his nose. “I’ll make sure you will have the most non awkward but perfect and fun evening possible.”

His phrasing made you laugh, ebbed the waves of anxiety crashing onto your mind over and over again when you thought a little too much about the next week. His parents, him and you, in one room. 

“It’s gonna be great.”

Jungkook smiled at you, a little too bright and too wide. You returned it to the best of your abilities, letting him pull you back into a hug, eyes falling shut.

“Okay, I believe you,” you told him, hearing his heart beating in his chest. “For once.”

He tightened his arms around you.

(“Do you think it will have snowed by then?” he asked you when the intro to the new episode of Avatar began playing on his laptop. You looked up, eyes catching his, your head rested against his chest and his arms around you.

“What?”

“By the 22nd I mean. Do you think it will have snowed by then?”

You frowned, thinking of the last few winters. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

He thought about your answer for a few more seconds, looking off to the side before returning your gaze. “I hope. I’d like to spend a proper white Christmas with you.”

“Pray to the Gods then,” you said. “Chances aren’t so good.”

The past few years it had always only snowed in January.

“Oh, I do, every day,” Jungkook laughed, and you hummed, focusing back on the episode and missing the way his gaze softened at your sight.)

“Okay, so I’ll be back right before New Year,” Chaeyoung said, giving her calendar one last look before snapping it close again. “Who of us is gonna be here?”

Hoseok and you both let out affirmative noises, and Jimin raised his hand in a yes as well, mouth stuffed with his sandwich. You scooted closer to the table to let a guy squeeze through as he made his way to the lunch table with his friends, a tray full of bland and dry cafeteria food.

“I’m not sure yet,” Jisoo said, taking a handful of grapes from her purple grape shaped lunch box and plopping each one into her mouth. “My sister asked if I wanted to celebrate New Year’s with her. But maybe she’ll go over to her girlfriend’s. She isn’t sure yet. I’ll text you guys?”

“I’ll be here the entire holidays,” Namjoon sighed. “I still have finals.”

“Ah, I’m sorry,” you said, offering him a smile. He waved you off, mumbling something about how at least he was almost finished up with it all. 

“Well, at least we will be spending New Year’s together, right?” Jimin said with a smile.

You took a sip from your green tea, needing warmth because your University never turned on the heaters, preferring their students to freeze. Where did your tuition money go? 

“Okay, but how about Christmas eve for everyone else? When are you guys heading back home again?” Hoseok asked, shovelling his protein oatmeal into his mouth. “You’re going tonight, right, Ji? With Jennie?”

“Yeah, our train’s booked for 8 pm.”

“I’ll go on the 23rd,” Jimin said, and Chaeyoung echoed the same. 

“You’re going tomorrow, right?” she asked Hoseok, and he nodded. “When are you meeting Kook’s parents again, Y/N? The 22nd?”

“Yeah.” You played with the lip of your paper cup, feeling the warmth of your tea. Your heart grew a little heavier, scared one of them would ask when you’d go meet your parents. Because you weren’t, at least not on Christmas eve. Both of them had to work, unable to take a day off. It was an irrational fear, you were aware. Because your friends knew that very well. They’d never ask, but your heart didn’t understand.

“That’s- oh my God, that’s in four days, huh?” Jisoo gasped, and the horror and terror gripping you must have reflected on your face because she was quick to interject. “Oh, sorry. No, it’s gonna be great, Y/N. I don’t know why I said that. That was stupid.”

“You’re still anxious about it, huh?” Hoseok mumbled, and though he worded it like a question, all of you knew the answer.

“Hard not to be,” you said, voice a little short and curt. “It comes in… waves.”

Namjoon patted your shoulder. “It’s gonna be fine.”

Chaeyoung reached for your hand, squeezing it. “Yeah, I’m sure. We’re all gonna be there for you if it does somehow go wrong—which I highly, highly doubt might I add.”

“Well, not Jisoo. She’s gonna be home, busy showing off her Jennie,” you joked, trying to make light of the situation but it sounded just slightly off.

“What? I can’t be there for you from home?” Jisoo gasped, and before you could question how she’d do that, she continued. “I’m there for you too, telepathically! Jennie too! In your heart! Always! Over the phone! Don’t doubt us!”

You laughed a little, mouthing an apology.

“But you definitely won’t need us,” Jimin said. “Because it’s gonna be fine. Especially because Kook’s gonna make sure of it, okay?”

Before you could return something, your eyes were drawn to the doors.

Oh.

Your friends followed your gaze.

Jungkook had his backpack strapped to his shoulder and the red scarf wrapped around his neck. It shouldn’t be possible. You were technically too far for you to properly see, but you saw it—the tension in his shoulders, the strain in his nape, the deep knit between his brows. He was…. annoyed. It was new to you. For a moment, you almost expected to find Narae walking behind him, bugging him, hot on his trail. It would explain it to you, and you would just simply walk over there and pull him to your table. Just like that, you would ease the knit between your brows, take the tension out of his shoulders and neck-

But it wasn’t Narae. 

It was Taehyung. 

He said something to Jungkook that made him roll his eyes. Jungkook didn’t seem to want to respond, shaking his head and waving his hand around, an attempt to end the conversation. But Taehyung wasn’t so kind, going on, even taking hold of his shoulder.

“Someone is in a mood,” Namjoon mumbled, cringing.

“What are they talking about, Y/N?” Jimin asked, looking at you, and you stared right back at him, frowning.

“How would I know?”

“You’re his girlfriend.”

“So?”

“Go find out.”

“What? I just walk up to them and say,” you raised your voice a few pitches, “‘Oh my God, hi, you guys are clearly fighting. Care to share?’ Is that what you want?”

Jimin blinked, shrugging. “Sure, that would work.”

“You’re so ridiculous, Jimin,” you hissed, touching a hand to your forehead. “That wouldn’t work.”

“Of course, it would. Kook’s absolutely obsessed-”

“Oh my God, shut up,” Chaeyoung hissed, slapping Jimin. “They’re looking!”

“You guys are always so loud,” Hoseok sighed, and you sent him a glare because no, you don’t! It’s just Jimin!

But they were right. Taehyung and Jungkook were both looking at you, their conversation having come to an end. When you met his gaze, Jungkook’s face contorted into something else, features twitching. You couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but it wasn’t the usual. He didn’t soften in the way you were used to when he would see you. And when you tried a smile, Jungkook struggled to return it. You felt shot, and your smile faltered.

But Jimin didn’t sense it at all, wildly waving his hand around, gesturing for the two to come this way. And as if it wasn’t more obvious, he yelled it too, “Hey, Tae and Kook! Come join us!”

Jisoo sighed, “He’s such an idiot.”

Chaeyoung and Hoseok shrugged, as if to say well, it’s Jimin. They were right, it was just Jimin being himself, unaware and impulsive. Namjoon didn’t have any words, shaking his head. 

Jungkook and Taehyung looked at each other, exchanging a few words before the latter glanced at his watch and shook his head. He had to go. Taehyung placed his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder, whispering something into his ear. You must have imagined it but it looked like he glanced in your direction. But before you could think about it, Taehyung headed in the same direction he had previously come from, and Jungkook slowly made his way over, not meeting your eyes once.

“What were you arguing about?” Jimin asked when Jungkook stood in front of you, and you watched him grip the strap of his backpack, the skin over his knuckles stretching thin.

“Jimin!” Jisoo hissed, punching him. 

“Ow!”

“Right, yeah, of course, you’d ask,” he smiled. “It’s fine.”

Jungkook said it with a laugh, but it was all wrong. 

“We weren’t arguing.” 

And as if it wasn’t enough, Jungkook put on his brightest and biggest smile. He showed it to everyone. Like a stone plunged into the deep sea, your heart sank. You had seen it before, that smile. It had decorated his lips during the Halloween party when you first walked in, or when you had first hurt his feelings while you had gone costume shopping. 

Namjoon and you looked at each other shortly, both of you sensing it. 

“Is everything-”

“Well, it looked like you were,” Jimin mumbled, accidentally interrupting Namjoon. He waited for Jungkook to budge and cave under his gaze, but when he wouldn’t, he shrugged. “Come sit.”

Maybe he could feel your burning gaze on him, but Jungkook finally glanced in your direction. If only for a second, so very brief. But it dug into your heart and split it open, gutted you and left you utterly empty. You had seen him just yesterday, picked out your dress together, parted ways this morning a few hours ago, and now he seemed like another person. He looked so sad, sad in a way you hadn’t seen before. You didn’t think that any emotion close to that had ever crossed his features, not in your presence at least. It was so new and surprising to you—because somehow in your mind, you had forgotten he had the ability to feel… upset—you froze.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” Jungkook said, nailing that same smile back onto his lips as before. “But I’ll see you guys around.”

And before any of you could protest, he was gone, back turned to your table and heading into the crowd. 

“Well, that was… weird,” Chaeyoung said, pointing out the elephant in the room. And as if she had said your name, everyone turned to you for some kind of answer.

You blinked back at them. “Yeah, I-I don’t know.”

There was another beat of silence before ultimately your friends shrugged.

“Maybe it’s just not a good day?” Hoseok proposed, and they were all quick to agree, moving on. And though you didn’t voice it, you knew it wasn’t that. It couldn’t just be that. 

You knew it was about you. It had to be. Taehyung had glanced at your direction. You hadn’t imagined it, that much you were sure of. And the fact Jungkook hadn’t been able to look at you cemented it for you. Your heart quickened, a certain question coming to the front of your mind.

What if Jungkook didn’t want you to meet his parents anymore?

Maybe it had finally clicked with him—what it meant if you met his parents. How ridiculous it was. Because you weren’t his girlfriend. It was his parents after all. How stupid all of it was actually. Not just you meeting his parents, but the entire contract you had. How far it had gone, too far.

You pressed your lips together, a knot forming in your throat. Maybe he didn’t know how to tell you now. Maybe you should be prepared for the very worst. Maybe this was it. Impact incoming! The fall was nearing its end, your end.

Your hands began shaking, curling around the edge of the table for stability. Panic built up within you, panic that really shouldn’t build up at all, you knew. Your friends blurred into an incohesive mess in front of you.

Oh God.

You didn’t see Jungkook for the rest of the day, or the one after that. In fact, you didn’t hear from him at all, until almost two days later. Maybe you should have reached out first—you did think about it. But you simply couldn’t, your hands shaking whenever you’d open your chat with him, your old messages staring back at you almost mockingly. Because what if he told you he wanted to end it? What if this was how it would end because you couldn’t wait and recklessly send a message?

There was a few seconds of silence, the sound of his breathing coming in through unsteadily. You gripped your phone tighter.

“Hey.”

Jungkook still sounded the same, and for some reason, you were surprised. Why you expected him to sound different, you didn’t know. 

“Hi,” you returned, swallowing because it was your voice, in fact, that sounded odd. At least it did to you. You cleared your throat.

Usually, he’d make some joke, ask you about your day, how you were doing, where you were, if you had watched the videos he’d sent you yet, eaten already. Usually, your conversation would be much lighter, easier. Right now, you felt the air hanging between you, pulling your legs closer to your chest as you waited and waited. He had called you, he would have to speak first.

“I’m sorry I didn’t join you guys for lunch the other day,” Jungkook mumbled, and you closed your eyes.

“It’s alright,” you said, a waver to your voice and you couldn’t decide if it was because you felt cold, even though you were tucked into your bed, or because you felt uncertain of it all, like you were standing at the edge of a cliff, the deep sea awaiting you on the other side, waves crashing up on you. 

Neither of you said anything. 

Your throat grew dry, the questions coming back up again within you. Was he going to tell you over the phone? That he didn’t want you to meet his parents anymore. Maybe even that he wanted to call this entire thing off. That he’d realised this wasn’t worth it anymore, doing all of this to win a stupid bet he’d made with Taehyung months ago. It had gotten too exhausting, you had gotten too exhausting for him. Let’s just end it here, tell everyone you’d just fallen out of love. Hell maybe he’d be even willing to tell everyone the truth, how they’d been fooled. It had all been an act! How fun! How could you all think he was in love with-

“Everything’s alright.”

You paused. “What?”

“I-” Jungkook faltered, letting out a laugh. It came through oh so light and clear. Just not quite genuine. Or maybe you were imagining it, your mind dissecting every of his words. “I’m just trying to say- things are alright. It’s gonna be okay.”

And for some reason, you knew the words weren’t meant to reassure you. But him. He needed it right now, more than you. You blinked, nodded as if he could see.

“Yeah, everything’s alright,” you repeated, quietly. “It’s gonna be okay.”

What exactly he referred to, you weren’t sure. And you weren’t going to ask. He’d tell you when he wanted you to know, when he was ready. Truth be told, you weren’t even entirely sure if you were ready for it, couldn’t say either where your confidence that it’d be alright came from. 

“It will, right?” he laughed again, that same laugh. It came through now, the tinge of uncertainty swinging with his voice. 

You added a small smile, reassurance. “Of course, it will. Always has.”

Jungkook waited a beat, thought about it for a second. “Yeah, no, yeah you’re right.”

And then, you both went back to silence again. You were the one to break it, doing so before you could think better of it and retreat. The question slipped so quickly past your lips, came out of you with the answer to it packaged within already. For once, you dared something, held out your heart.

“Do you want to come over?”

The question seemed alright at first. He’d tell you he was already on his way, in fact. Had you not heard the engine this entire time? Actually, look outside! How silly of you, he had gotten you again. You’d laugh, buzz him up while telling him how annoying he was. He’d fall into your arms, coat and scarf and shoes still on. There’d be no time for you to tell him to at least take off his shoes because he’d knock you over with his entire weight. But you’d hold him up, if not barely and struggling heavily. You’d do it, and you’d do it with a smile. He’d press a kiss to your lips and ask you again if things would just be fine. And you’d do the same as you did on the phone, like a good girlfriend does, you’d reassure him over and over again until you’d be too tired and fall asleep together. Things would truly be alright, you’d meet his parents and maybe resolve it all. Maybe he and you could be something, more. Maybe he meant it, all of it, the gestures and words and kisses. He and you, together, it could be possible-

“I’m sorry—” You wanted him to stop then. He didn’t need to elaborate. It was enough. You bit down on your tongue, hard. “I’m… just really tired today.”

Jungkook hesitated, spoke slowly, and you wanted to laugh it off, tell him it was alright and to go to sleep, but your throat knotted into a terrible mess. 

He didn’t want you to meet his parents.

“Hm.”

It was the only response you could offer. Because if you spoke, he would know, and he couldn’t know—the tears that shot into your eyes.

You pressed your hand to your mouth, and wondered if your reassurance had done anything at all. If not actually you had needed it, even more than he did. 

“I think- classes was exhausting, so yeah. You know, right? So I’m gonna go to bed now,” Jungkook said, and you nodded, as if he could see you, and if you checked, you’d realise it was just eight. You bit your tongue harder.

He never liked you.

“Okay,” you squeaked out, your voice a few pitches too high. He had to know, you were sure of it. Anyone would know, even a drunk Jimin could figure it out. It was blatantly obvious, and you pressed your hand harder against your mouth, scared as you awaited what he’d say. You wouldn’t know how to answer his questions if he asked you why you cried. It would be utterly humiliating to admit why—that you knew you never meant anything to him beyond what you’d agreed upon, but that he did to you. So much, in fact. 

“Goodnight-”

You ended the call, your phone displayed his name for a few more seconds before you tossed it aside, uncaring that it bounced off your bed and you’d have to look for it later on the floor. A part of you wanted to laugh, outright laugh out loud, laugh so loud because maybe it would drown it out. Because were you not just silly? Stupid? Even more so for the tears that rolled down your face and stained your duvet three shades darker. Clear evidence of your silliness, your delusion, your unwavering and foolish hope. 

It embarrassed and humiliated you, how quickly the tears came, how his words had crashed onto you, ship-wrecked you, buried you under. His words hurt, and his dismissal even more. Two words had been enough, had pierced your heart and left you tiptoeing a cliff. Jungkook had more power than you thought he did, power he shouldn’t be holding over your head and heart to begin with. Power he shouldn’t have because you didn’t have it over him.

A text awaited you one morning, just a day before the 22nd.

[Jeon - 07:01 AM] : can i come over later tonight?

And a text was all it took.

Jungkook was not even a second late. Someone was in a hurry to get this over with, it almost made you laugh. Your doorbell rang the moment the clock turned seven. Still, you shrieked, hesitated, stared at your front door like you hadn’t known he’d come, like you hadn’t expected him to come.

You busied yourself with your phone, swiping back and forth, as he climbed up the stairs, your back turned to the door. You just couldn’t watch as he stepped inside. This was it. He’d tell you that he’d realised this had gotten too far, out of hand. You wouldn’t have to meet his parents tomorrow, you had done your part. He’d thank you, assure you he’d break the news to your friends and take the blame. It’d be alright, you wouldn’t have to do anything. And just like before you had ever talked to Jungkook at the vending machine, you’d go your own ways. 

His steps grew louder, echoed less and less until he was inside. A draft pulled through your small flat as he shut the door behind you, quiet but final. You shivered and turned off your phone, heart heavy in your chest as you prepared yourself to turn around and face him. You had thought about it all day, agonised how it’d be like to see him again the past week, how you’d handle this, how you could retain just a bit of your pride at the end of this. The scenario played over and over again in your mind—you’d look at him with a smile, tell him you understood perfectly and he didn’t need to explain. It had been stupid anyway, fun but stupid. Both of you knew this wasn’t anything really, it would come to an end. You didn’t mind it at all. 

“You know, it’s alright, Jeon. I know what you wanna-”

Jungkook wrapped his arms around you with his coat and scarf and shoes on. He pressed you to his chest, held you even tighter when you hesitated to return his hug, as if he needed to physically feel you, be sure you were there.

You hadn’t seen him all week, and all of a sudden, you didn’t know what to do around him anymore.

“Jeon?” 

“Can you hug me?” he asked you, voice barely above a whisper, and though you had been so sure about what would happen just seconds ago, pictured how your conversation would go, you realised you knew nothing at all. You did as he said, putting your arms around his middle and squeezing as tightly as you could, holding your breath even.

You didn’t know how long you stayed like this, but when you pulled away, Jungkook looked at you in a way you had never seen. He took your hands into his.

“I’m sorry, cabbage,” he began, and in the dim light, you could see his eyes glaze over. “I don’t know what’s been going on with me for the past week.”

He paused, breathed in deeply, looked to the side before returning his gaze to you. 

“I think- there’s just been a lot on my mind, and I had to figure it out first, I think,” he continued. “I-I don’t think I fully have, but I will, soon.”

You looked at him, silent for a few seconds before you nodded, brushing your thumbs over the inside of his wrists.

“That’s okay,” you told him, giving him a smile. “It’s fine. I understand.”

Truth be told, you didn’t know where you took your words from, where you dug up that reassurance again. Because you’d felt the opposite for the past week. It’d been a horrible week for you, sleepless and anxious. 

You’d been tiptoeing a thin line, wondering every second when exactly this would blow over, just how close you were to impact, when your fall would end. Would it be a text? A call? Would he just show up to your doorstep unannounced one evening after you had come back from exhausting classes and do it then? Or would it be Jimin who’d relayed the messages? Would he not tell you at all, deeming not worth the effort even? So, it had been nice to be told the truth—that things had been confusing for Jungkook and he hadn’t figured out how to navigate it all—and yet you weren’t sure if it was enough for you, if it qualmed your worries.

“I’m really sorry, cabbage,” Jungkook repeated, and you wondered what he was so sorry for that he needed to apologise twice. If maybe you were right. Why else would he feel so apologetic? Was the ending coming and he just needed some more time to figure out the order of his words, unable to bring it over his heart? 

You should ask him if the things plaguing his mind was how to end this. You should, really. Regardless of the answer, it would free you, however painful it might just be. You’d find peace. Maybe you feared the pain too much, the tears that would run down your face, the embarrassment that would rip you into pieces, or maybe you didn’t care enough for yourself to find out the truth, but you didn’t ask. 

Your smile grew bigger, and you didn’t know who you were fooling, him or you. “Don’t be. It’s okay, Jeon.”

Jungkook took your face into his hands, staring into your eyes, looking so intensely at you like he’d never before. He was searching something, and you weren’t sure if he found it, if you held whatever he looked for at all.

“It’ll be fine,” you said, and this was for you, not him. 

“It’ll be fine,” he repeated, nodding, and as he leaned closer to you, you wondered if the same would apply tomorrow. When you’d meet his parents, stand in front of them. When they’d scrutinise every little detail about you and come to their conclusion on who you were before you could even open your mouth and utter your name. 

You let Jungkook pull you into a kiss, returned it with the same intensity. Both of you needed it right now. What exactly you offered each other, you couldn’t pinpoint. But it was enough to silence your mind and his too. 

When his hands wandered, so did yours. He pushed you to your bed, and you let your mattress catch your fall. Your sweater landed on your floor, and soon the rest of your clothes followed. His coat and the scarf you had made him found its place at the foot of your bed. He struggled for a bit to kick off his boots before ultimately stumbling out of them.

Jungkook pressed kisses from your lips to your ear down to your neck and collarbone. Slowly, they wandered further down and down, stopping as he paid extra attention to the places he learned you liked, made your back arch in his favourite way and your breath hitch so beautifully in your throat. Soon, you were pleading with the Gods above, curling your hands around your duvet as Jungkook familiarised himself with you again. His hands pried you open, splitting you into two again and again, bringing you high above. You returned the favour, listened as he found religion through you, drawing out his relief until he needed your lips on his instead. By now, you knew him blindly, your hands finding the sensitive parts of him even as he carved his way back to yours.

“I’ve missed you,” Jungkook mumbled into your ear when he began moving, and you smiled, wrapped your arms around him. So had you. 

“Me too,” you returned, your hips finding a steady rhythm together. He pressed kisses to your skin, hands holding you oh so tightly like he usually would. But he hadn’t said it, hadn’t told you for the entire week, not even now when he would on any other day—that he loved you—and so maybe that was why you fell asleep with an uneasy heart. 

Had he not promised? That he’d be there for every second of the day, from the moment you woke up to the moment you went back to bed, glued to your side until you were sick of him? Was that not what he had said, the words he assured you with? So how was it that you awoke alone, like you had been for the entire past week, without him?

Jungkook wasn’t here, and yet you looked around your home like he could be hidden in some corner. He didn’t like you anymore, you were sure. Why would he? He never did to begin with. Probably regretted this more than anything else, realised just how exhausting it was to be with you. It wouldn’t be worth it. His parents wouldn’t like you, tell him that he could do better. He’d agree- actually he knew that already. Yesterday night had been a mistake, just like all the other times had been. He and you weren’t the same, never could be. Just like two mismatching puzzle pieces, you’d never make a whole picture together. You’d been right, of course. Jungkook could never like you, never saw you as anything more than a paw in this stupid cruel game between Taehyung and you. And you had been played, over and over again. How stupid of you. Foolish! This-

The blaring of your alarm brought you back to reality, the sound filling your ears. You had forgotten to turn it off. You reached for your phone, shutting it off but before you could toss it aside, you saw it. It made you pause, his name atop of your notifications. A voice memo, just over two minutes. Like it had been all you had been looking for, you hurriedly unlocked your phone. You were about to hit start, when you paused, your thumb hovering just above it. Because it could be anything—a simple breakfast run, or a goodbye. A pit grew in your stomach, and you wished he had just left you a clue about what he’d be saying in it. Your chest webbed tightly with anxiety, a rollercoaster in your throat.

You took in a deep breath, bracing yourself, eyes closed as you hit play. Whatever it might be, you’d be fine, somehow, you hoped.

“Hey, I’m so sorry—” Your chest felt so hollow, his voice unsteady. He was running, the wind blowing up the audio. He sounded far away, you had to strain to hear him properly, your phone on maximum volume. “—I know I promised to be there when you’d wake up, but—”

But I just couldn’t do this any longer. I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just didn’t know how to. I’m sorry.

“—my mom called me. She’s having an emergency with her car, and now she’s stuck in- actually, I don’t know where, but I’m on my way there to jumpstart her car. And I thought about waking you up for it, but that felt mean and you looked so peaceful, I just couldn’t. But- it’s so cold, oh my God. Listen, I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’m gonna hurry, okay? So just wait for me, alright? I’ll be there, I promise.”

You heard the door of his car open and close. The wind cut out, and all of a sudden it was quiet. There was ruffling, Jungkook took his phone closer to his face. He sighed, and you could see him right in front of your eyes—sitting there in his car, hair a mess on his head, as he closed his eyes to find his words, a knit between his brows.

“I’m really sorry, cabbage,” he began again. “Both for leaving now because I know I had promised I’d be there, and… again for the past week. I know I’ve been shit, and I know you’ve been confused and- I’m sorry. I haven’t been fair at all-”

Neither had you however, you realised as you listened to him talk. Of course, Jungkook had only left because his mother needed his help. How could you assume the worst of him after everything? When he was so good and kind? Had been all this time to you?

“But we will figure this out, okay?”

Jungkook paused again. You pulled your legs to your chest, burying your face into your knees, teeth sinking into your tongue.

“Let’s talk about this after today. But it’s gonna be fine. Like you said it would.”

You had lied.

“What am I talking about?” He let out a small laugh, and you knew he was shaking his head at himself. “It’s already fine.” 

You felt like a traitor. You were terrible.

“I’ll be back to pick you up, okay? So just wait for me. I hope I can get to you by two the latest. I hope it won’t take too long to figure it all out. You know, I actually don’t know how to jumpstart a car, so I really don’t know why my mom called me.”

He laughed again, and you didn’t think you could ever get the sound out of your mind. It was so pretty and melodic, so good and precious. 

“Well, anyway, I gotta get going, but I can’t wait for tonight already. I miss you.”

You missed him too, loved him even. Did he? Could he? Could you?

It was cowardly of you, hypocritical actually. But you couldn’t do it differently, didn’t have the courage to look at Jungkook and say it. The words wouldn’t leave you, you were certain, if you stood in front of him. He deserved more than a text, but more than that he deserved the truth. And the truth was you couldn’t do this, any of it in fact, not anymore. Couldn’t meet his parents, or even pretend to be his girlfriend any longer, not in good conscience. It had to end.

Your thumbs shook as you slowly found the right letters, strung together the words and sentences. You hit delete every other word, barely getting a paragraph together in almost an hour. Because worst of all, even as you tried to offer some honesty, you knew you couldn’t offer it entirely to him, couldn’t let Jungkook know just how exactly you felt, how deeply you had plunged into love with him. 

I’m sorry, Jeon, but I don’t think I can keep this going any longer. I know I said I’d meet your parents, but I think we’re just going a little too far by doing that. I hope you understand. I know I’m not fulfilling our contract and you’ll lose your bet with Taehyung and I’m really sorry, so I’ll just wire back all the money. I never touched it anyway. 

You were about to finish off the paragraph, deciding that any wishes for your future relationship as friends would be too much to ask for, thumb sliding over the glass, when your phone lit up, buzzing and ringing. And right just then, you accepted the call, your heart dropping in your chest. Your stomach twisted terribly because you couldn’t do this. How could you? Hear his voice, talk to him as if you weren’t just about to call this entire thing off over text? How could you pretend it was all fine when you’d felt gutted for the entire week?

“Hey,” Jungkook greeted you, oh so unaware. You could hear the harsh wind coming through the speaker. “I’m sorry—”

You wished he’d stop apologising. If he just knew what you’d been thinking of him for the past few days, all the assumptions you had made about him and his character, his parents too. 

“—but looks like I won’t make it by two.”

There was a sigh, and you let the silence usher Jungkook to keep on speaking, knowing your voice would merely betray you.

“I tried to jumpstart the car, but yeah, it didn’t work out. We called some people now and seems like we’re gonna have to have the car towed and fixed at the shop.”

The frustration bled through in Jungkook’s voice. It was obvious. He had spent all morning trying desperately to fix his mom’s car in the freezing cold, and now it had come to this.

“We called my dad. He’s on his way here because I still need to go back to my parents and take a shower. It’s gonna take some time—the drive to my parents, the shower and then the drive to your place—so I definitely won’t make it by two. But I should be at your place by three the latest though, I hope that’s fine?”

You closed your eyes, wondered just what exactly you were supposed to say. And so, for a while you didn’t as you gathered yourself.

“Cabbage? Are you there? Can you hear-”

“Y-yeah.” You chewed on your lip, took a few more seconds before speaking. “You… don’t have to come-”

“What? No, I promised you I’d drive you. Let me at least do that,” Jungkook insisted, and you hoped he’d just understand. How direct did you have to be? 

“It’s fine, you don’t have to,” you tried, but to no avail.

He snorted. “Cabbage, I’m driving you. No matter what. My dad’s almost here. You won’t have to wait long. I’ll probably be at your place before three actually. I shower quickly!”

You pressed your hands to your eyes until dark spots appeared, shaking your head. Why couldn’t he just understand? 

A lump knotted your throat shut, your voice wavering as you began speaking, “I-I think we should just-”

“Ah, my dad’s here! I gotta go, cabbage. But please just wait, I’ll be there soon, okay? Can’t wait to see you! It’s gonna be great. You’re gonna charm their asses off, okay?”

And before you could even protest, confess to Jungkook that you couldn’t do any of this, he had hung up. You stared as your phone displayed your lockscreen before ultimately turning black, leaving you with your reflection.

You caught yourself in your mirror, realising how puffy your eyes were. It was blatantly obvious you had cried. You were a mess, in no state to meet anyone’s parents, no less Jungkook’s perfect parents. But now you couldn’t even get yourself out of this anymore, not when you had heard his excitement again. How could you disappoint him? 

Just one more day. You’d do it for one more day, him and you. You’d just get today over with, that much you owed him, and then you’d sit him down to break it all off.

The dress was still oh so beautiful on you, harmonised perfectly with the white cropped cardigan you had picked out for today because it was, indeed, cold like Jungkook had said it was, and you really didn’t want to freeze. Your hair remained the same as always. You had thought about changing it, but decided in the end that at least your hair should be the way you were used to. Same with your jewellery, the same few pieces you wore every day adorning you today too. You kept the makeup minimal, and still it took you ages to get it done, hands shaky as you carefully drew on eyeliner and curled your lashes. 

Looking at yourself you wondered if it was enough to fool everyone, yourself possibly even that you were perfectly fine, that you fit to Jungkook, that he and you could be something more, that your background was the same as theirs, that you were just another Narae, well-off and well-travelled.

But your doubts and worries had no time to brew, your doorbell announcing Jungkook. Shrugging on your coat and slipping into the pair of black kitten heels you had borrowed from Chaeyoung, you gave yourself one more look in the mirror. You looked beautiful, you knew that. Everything about you looked so close to perfect, and yet, you felt the opposite. Today was the last time for Jungkook and you, and just the thought made you want to cry.

You shook your head, not wanting to keep Jungkook waiting any longer. It was truly cold, and you regretted your choice of shoes the moment you stepped outside, cursing yourself. The wind snaked up your legs. Maybe if you knew that this wasn’t going to be your last day together as a pretend couple, you would have run up and changed. But more than ever before, you wanted to look your best today. Because at the very least, however today might end (badly), you looked good.

Jungkook agreed, face lighting up the moment he laid his eyes on you. You tried your very best to return your smile. He looked oh so good too, wondering if he matched you on purpose. His sweater was the same deep rich red as yours, a white turtleneck layered underneath. He paired it off with some black slacks and black boots, your scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. You couldn’t look at him too long, vision beginning to swim when you did, so you focused on the ground, one step after the other.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jungkook gasped, clutching his chest and pretending to have a heart attack. 

“Thank you,” you said, speaking quietly, afraid your voice was going to betray you. “You too.”

Your compliment made his smile turn into a grin. “Well, you’re prettier.”

Usually, you’d make some snarky comment, fall into the same old banter you’d established with him long ago. Today, you could barely bring yourself to look at him. 

“Let’s-”

Jungkook cupped your face, lifting your eyes to him, forcing you to face him. His gaze turned your insides soft and puddy, hands beginning to shake by your side.

“I’m so happy, cabbage,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to your lips. It almost made you cry. You screwed your eyes shut. Before the kiss could go on longer, devastate you more, crush you further, you pulled away.

“I-I’ve got lipgloss on,” you mumbled, giving Jungkook a short smile before stepping aside to walk to his car. He laughed behind you, telling you how he didn’t mind at all, but still, he followed you.

Just as you were about to reach for the car door, he did it for you. Always the gentleman. You paused for a second, surprised (why were you?), before climbing inside, heart heavy as you waited for him to just close the car door. Jungkook didn’t though, drawing your eyes back to him.

“Are you sure about the shoes?” he asked you, brows furrowed together. “It’s cold. You’re not even wearing stockings.”

You felt even more self-conscious all of a sudden, tucking your feet underneath the seat, cheeks warming and heart thrumming. These shoes were the only ones that fit with your outfit. You didn’t have an extensive shoe collection, anything you could change into now wouldn’t match. It’d be a waste not to wear them, especially after you had asked Chaeyoung to borrow them.

“Y-yeah, it’s fine.”

Jungkook seemed to disagree, still standing there with the car door in his hand, and when he opened his mouth, you knew he was going to argue with you.

“I really-”

“It’s fine,” you repeated, reaching for the door handle. “Let’s just go. We’re gonna be late.”

The frown didn’t disappear from his face, but he conceded, albeit with a sigh. His hand squeezed yours, and you flinched, pulling it away as if he burned you. Jungkook stopped, eyes shooting to yours.

Your heart dropped in your chest. Oh no. 

You put on your brightest and biggest smile. “Sorry, your hand’s just super cold,” you laughed. 

Jungkook blinked before smiling, “Ah, sorry.”

With that he shut the car door, and you pulled the seat belt across your body, readying your words on your tongue that you had thought of this entire time.

I’m super tired. Do you mind if I sleep during the ride?

It was a blatant lie. Every nerve and fibre of your body was lit up, wired tightly. You couldn’t find sleep even if you laid in your bed now. The thought of having to talk to Jungkook for the entirety of the car ride, however, turned your stomach upside down. 

You decided to wait for him to put on the seat belt first before saying it, needing a few more seconds to rid the knot from your throat. From the corner of your eye, you watched as he climbed inside, putting his key into the ignition, rubbing his hands together. But rather than reach for the seat belt, Jungkook fumbled with the console, turning on the heat, carefully turning the knob back and forth. Warm air started blasting from the heaters immediately, wrapping you up from every direction.

“Do you want the seat warmer too?”

He looked at you so sincerely. You crumbled almost.

“I-It’s okay.”

“Just say a word and I’ll change it, okay? Don’t want you freezing,” he said before strapping the seat belt across his chest. You turned to the window. 

Your voice wavered slightly. “Uh, I’m super tired. Do you mind if I sleep during the ride?”

“Oh, yeah, no, totally. Get some sleep. I’ll wake you up when we’re there. Gonna take a while anyway.”

You hummed in response, frowning when you saw Jungkook rub his hands together, blowing into them, even holding them up to the heaters for a few seconds. Before you could wonder for too long, he took your hand into his, thumb brushing back and forth.

“Warm enough?”

He said it with such a beautiful smile. It shattered you. You merely nodded before turning away, eyes closing shut, a lump stuck in your throat. The gesture, however small, dug into your heart like a knife. He was so nice, so kind, so good. And for the past week, you had thought the worst of him. 

You knew you had arrived even before Jungkook parked the car. The engine slowly shut off, keys jangling when he pulled them out. You heard the click of his seat belt, some shuffling, and your heart beat faster as you waited for him to wake you up. Truth be told, you hadn’t thought this through. How were you going to convince him that you had slept this entire time when you hadn’t even for a single second? The last time you had pretended to sleep in the car was when you were seven and didn’t want to go to school. And even then, it hadn’t worked, your mother seeing right through you.

Jungkook had held your hand the entire ride. You had so gotten used to the feeling of his warmth that when he slowly pried his hand out of yours, you felt oddly cold. For a second, you thought you had to have imagined it when you heard the car door open. But when the sound of it softly closing followed, you knew you hadn’t. Maybe he wanted to come around and then wake you up?

You waited a few more seconds but when your car door remained shut, you slowly peeled your eyes open. Once again, Jungkook wasn’t there. But your attention turned to the house across the street instead. Jisoo and Chaeyoung had, of course, asked for Jungkook’s address—Just in case. He had happily sent it to them, and you too if you wanted to forward it to anyone else too. (The fact that Jisoo was over an hour's train ride away didn’t matter by the way.) You couldn’t recall the address, but you did remember the house number, and you were definitely staring at the right house right now.

It was bigger than you could have imagined it to be. It was so absurdly big, almost cartoonishly so. Even more so because it was decked out with all kinds of Christmas lights and stockings. You doubted no second the inside rivalled Chaeyoung’s and Jisoo’s home. But however ridiculous it was to you, this was Jungkook’s childhood home, the house where he grew up in. Where he spent his childhood and teenage years. This particular house. A house. Whilst you grew up in a flat, just with enough space to cram in your little family.

You saw him then, standing next to the expensive car parked in the driveway. Jungkook opened the car door to the passenger seat, and a second later, his mother stepped out. He offered her his hand, earning himself a big smile from her. From inside the car, you couldn’t hear what she said, but you could imagine it. She was right, he was a great son. 

Jungkook looked a lot like his mother, you realised. She had gifted him with her kind eyes and soft big smile. No wonder, her son was so beautiful. She was an elegant woman. It was obvious. The kind of woman that wore cashmere sweaters, baked fresh bread every Sunday, made sure to do her skincare routine every morning and night, expensive creams and serums lining her bathroom cupboard. Not a single hair on her head was grey. She was the perfect wife and mother.

From the driver's seat, a man emerged, Jungkook’s dad. There was a hint of grey colouring his hair, but he pulled it off well. He was shorter than Jungkook by a bit, but you could see right away where Jungkook got his confidence from. For a moment, you wondered if that was how Jungkook would look like when he was older. Would he resemble his father? His dad quickly rounded the car, greeting his son with a hug before taking his wife’s hand into his. He had a kind smile too, you noticed. Of course, he did.

Jungkook had to have said something particularly funny because both his parents erupted into laughter. You looked away, closing your eyes. 

What were you doing here?

The question blared louder than ever before. Could you really do this? Fool everyone? Yourself too? The answer was obvious to you as you looked ahead. A part of you wished you had come to that conclusion before you had gotten into the car. You didn’t know your way around this neighbourhood (of course, not), but you knew you had to get away from here either way.

You stepped out of the car, quietly shutting the door. He couldn’t see, couldn’t know. You had to get away, now.

“Where’s your girlfriend, Kook?” 

His father’s voice made you pause. Jungkook sounded so much like him.

“In the car. She’s sleeping.”

“Are you not gonna wake her up? At least, let her come inside and sleep inside. It’s so cold.”

“No, I was gonna, but then I saw you and dad pull up,” Jungkook explained, his voice carried to you through the wind. His car offered you enough coverage to hide and at the same time allowed a clear view of Jungkook and his parents. “Also, I was gonna get her another pair of shoes. She’s wearing heels.”

His mother gasped. “In this weather? Does she at least have stockings on?” When he shook his head, she gasped again. “No, that’s not good. You better get her another pair of shoes. She’s gonna freeze!”

“I know- ah, I turned off the heat!” Jungkook touched his forehead as if to say how stupid of him. 

You pressed your lips together, teeth sinking into your tongue. The guilt clawed up your throat, raw and red. It hurt, so much so that you didn’t even feel the cold wind on your feet and up your legs, or the way they ached from the unnatural arch the heels forced them into. 

“Go get your girlfriend some shoes,” Jungkook’s father told him. “I’ll get the groceries-”

“What? No, let me, dad. I can do both. I’ll be quick.”

“It’s fine, Kook. We don’t want your girlfriend freezing.” His mother placed her hand on his shoulder. But like the good son he was, he wasn’t having it, already moving to open the trunk.

“It’s okay. I turned off the car just now, and she’s been sleeping peacefully this entire time. I’ll be quick,” Jungkook insisted. “You guys get inside.”

His parents looked at him with a sigh, realising defeat. Jungkook’s father handed him the car keys.

“Well, you better be quick. You know we can’t wait to meet Y/N.”

And with that, they walked inside, hand in hand. Your heart shattered, your name rolling so easily off their lips. It was so odd to hear them say it, hear with how much kindness they did. 

You should just go now, take this opportunity to run, but your feet remained cemented, your eyes following Jungkook as he brought the first two bags up to the front door before grabbing the last two out of the car. Moving his foot underneath the sensor, the trunk closed automatically. You knew nothing about cars but you knew that such a feature didn’t come with most, and was definitely not cheap either.

Right now, looking ahead of you, you could see for the first time clearly just how different Jungkook and you were. There were two different worlds between you, a distance that no one could cross, no less a relationship that wasn’t genuine to begin with. It had been nice and fun, foolishly nice and fun, to pretend all this time, but in the end it had been foolish more than anything. 

Why you didn’t move still remained a mystery to you. Maybe your feet had really frozen to the sidewalk, the heels one of your worst ideas yet, or maybe you simply couldn’t do it, bring it over your heart to just walk away. Maybe you just needed a little more, of him and you. You knew these few seconds would be the last ones of peace before it would all crumble. The illusion would shatter. He and you would be done, forever. There would be no more hangouts together with all your friends, no more cookies and Avatar marathons, no more kisses and hugs. 

Jungkook and you would dissolve, just as quickly as it had all begun in that library with a notebook and pen. 

Jungkook was about to turn around and close the door and he’d see you, standing there on the sidewalk with your eyes set straight on him. He’d see you and he’d smile and put down the bags and walk over to you and ask you why you were standing there and why did you get out of the car and how cold it was. How stupid and silly of you! 

He’d come over and bring you into a hug and his lips would ghost over the crown of your head and you’d cave and melt and you’d go in and meet his family and it’d hurt so much to tell Jungkook’s parents what your parents did when they’d inevitably ask you because of course they would and you’d have to see as they realised that your parents didn’t get to enjoy higher education. They’d be silent for a few seconds before nodding and smiling. They’d quickly change the topic because it was better to talk about something else and oh I heard something so interesting on the news recently, did you hear?

But you didn’t move, even as Jungkook turned, arms heavy with grocery bags, and lifted his head, eyes meeting yours as you predicted he would. His lips lifted up into a smile, a smile bigger than you’d expected. He didn’t move though. Instead he blurred into a heap of colours.

You could no longer do this.

The image of him cleared as the first tears fell, and you watched as his face crumbled while he watched your chest heave up and down, sobs pushing out from your throat. 

Jungkook let go of the grocery bags, the contents spilling out. When he took his step towards you, you did too, away from him. He stilled, frozen. Why, you could see it on his face. Why were you crying? Why were you moving away from him? He deserved answers, an explanation, but the most you could muster up right now was the shake of your head.

No.

And then you took off. 

“Y/N!” 

You pressed your hand to your lips, scared of filling the street with your gut wrenching sobs. Tears kept streaming down your face, hot and heavy. 

You did feel sorry for doing this to Jungkook. But you had to. Because he wasn’t going to. It had to be you. You who finally saw the truth in the eye that this was ridiculous, that this had gone off the rails, that Jungkook and you should have never gotten to this point, to where you found comfort in his arms and he knew your favourite cookies and you showed him your home and he knew more than he should about you. To the point where you had shared the bed together and knew the softness of the other’s lips. To the point where you had irrevocably and undeniably and unfortunately fallen for Jungkook.

You were in love with Jeon Jungkook, and it was the worst thing you could have done to yourself-

“Y/N!”

And it was affirmed when he seized your elbow and turned you around. You didn’t make it very far. Your eyes locked with his, and you could see it in them. How this was going to end. How this had to end, now. 

You were reminded of when you ran out on Jaehwa after seeing him for the first time again. It was what you always did, you realised. Run. 

You just never expected you’d have to run out on Jungkook too.

His eyes, wide and big, searched your face, for something to give him a clue as to what was going on in the head of yours, anything. He didn’t understand. 

You pulled away from him as if his touch burned you, pushed him away.

“Why? What’s wrong?” he asked, frantic, reaching out for you again, but you couldn’t let him touch you, tumbling backwards. Hurt flashed across his features, but this was for the best. Why did you have to be this dramatic? How stupid of you!

“I-I can’t,” you stuttered, shaking your head, dragging your coat sleeve frantically on your cheeks. “I-I just can’t.”

Jungkook stared at you, face twisting and morphing into emotions you couldn’t decipher. You had never really understood him anyway.

“O-okay, hey, that’s fine.”

Who would have thought this would hurt so much to hear?

“That’s alright.”

He should be furious, absolutely and utterly mad with you. You had just run away. If he hadn’t caught you, he would have had to somehow explain to his parents why his so-called perfect girlfriend was suddenly gone. And yet, he met you with empathy and kindness. Jungkook was so good, so precious. He was so much better than you, deserved more. 

“I’ll give you a ride home-”

“No!” you screamed, lungs heaving for air, chest rising and falling dramatically. You shook your head, repeated it again, quieter this time. “No, you don’t understand.”

Jungkook stared at you, mouth opening and closing. “Okay, then explain. But let’s do this in the car-”

“Why are you like this?” You threw the question at his head, venomous and bitter. The anger wasn’t fair, shouldn’t be aimed at him at all. What had he done to deserve it? And yet, you couldn’t find it in you to shift the target. “What are we doing?”

His brows knitted together, the knit deepening. “I-I don’t know what you mean.” You looked at him as if he should. “Can we get to the car first, cabbage-”

You flinched. How could he still call you that? 

“This is so stupid,” you scoffed, shaking your head, eyes looking at everything but him. The cold wind blew your tears away, and your cheeks felt raw from all of the rubbing and dragging. “I- this is so wrong on so many levels. Why am I even here? What are we even doing? Why are you like this?”

“You don’t want to meet my parents, that’s fine. I really think we should get to the car-”

“Why? Because you don’t want your neighbours and parents to see what crazy person you’ve brought home?”

“What? No! Who said that? I wanna get to the car because it’s freezing cold and you only have a coat and heels on-”

“Oh, please, Jeon!” The laugh slipping from your lips made Jungkook flinch. It was so mean, filled with so much spite. “Don’t pretend to be good. What a cheap and pathetic act!”

None of the words you spoke were truthful. You didn’t know where you pulled them from, you didn’t believe any of them. All of them were hollow and mean. But maybe they’d be enough though to bring out anger within Jungkook, make him come to the same realisation as you had—that he and you had to end. But knowing him, he’d meet you with empathy and kindness over and over again. 

He had to hate you. 

You had to make him hate you. Otherwise, this would never find an end. Otherwise, he’d convince you of the opposite, and you’d never be able to let go of him. Otherwise, you’d lose yourself completely to him.

And when you looked at Jungkook, you knew you were right. Because there was no no fire in his eyes, nothing. He still stared at you the same way he used to. Even after you had called him names. Hating you was the only option.

“I really think we should just talk this out another time.”

Defeat, you realised, contorted his features. Not anger. Not spite. None of it. Just defeat. You closed your eyes, shaking your head.

“You’re clearly not in the best of moods and saying stuff that you don’t mean. I don't know what’s going on, but let me just give you a ride home and we’ll figure this out another-”

“Figure out what?” You leaned forward, gestured wildly around yourself. “We? Oh, please, Jeon, there’s no fucking ‘we’. Don’t make me laugh!”

He shook his head, hands running through his hair. 

“I really don’t think you mean any of this, Y/N. I know this entire situation must be bringing up bad memories for you- I know Jaehwa hurt you-”

“What? This has nothing to do with him,” you scoffed, narrowing your eyes, the words pushing through your clenched teeth like a bullet out of a gun. “What do you know, Jeon? What do you really know, huh? Actually, how can you know anything? You with your perfect stupid fucking family with a house oh so big because you just had to show everybody how you were better and richer and greater. What do you know about anything, really?”

You weren’t making sense, but you could see a change in Jungkook’s face, the flicker in his eyes as you mentioned his family. Bullseye.

“Miss me with that bullshit. You’re the kind of people I hate. It’s all so fake and condescending- fuck, you’re so stupidly loaded you’re paying me to pretend to date you so you can win a stupid shitty bet with Taehyung. Your parents must be so proud of their great great son.”

He closed his eyes, screwed them so tightly shut in hopes that maybe if he did so long enough, this would turn out to be a bad dream. This wasn’t happening. Things weren’t falling apart like that. They couldn’t. His hands curled into fists.

“Now you can’t even look at me, Jeon?” you sneered, voice and words growing more and more vicious. “Can’t face the truth, right? You pretend to be so good, so kind. But for fuck’s sake, look at the house you grew up in! Look at where I live! You’re the same as Jaehwa- actually, no because at the very least, he didn’t pretend like he and I weren’t different. You should have some shame, but I guess with parents-”

“Y/N!”

Your name cut through the air, and for once, you stopped and breathed. Jungkook had peeled his eyes open again, teeth gritted, jaw pulled taunt, hands curled into tight fists. 

“I really think it’d be better if you stopped talking now.”

And yet, it wasn’t the response you wanted.

You could have cried then, bawled, fallen to your knees and just admitted to it all. How much you did love him and how much you wanted him, but couldn’t have him because this just wasn’t going to work because he never really did love you and neither would his parents. He and you were doomed, like the moon and the sun. He just would never see it, too idealistic for his own good. Your blatant and devastating flaws. You weren’t good or kind. You had to be the one to pull the plug, to call this what it was—wrong.

“Yeah, of course, you’d say that,” you mumbled, the tip of your shoes digging into the concrete, rolling back and forth. The scratching sound it produced soothed you oddly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You know what I mean. You rich people just can’t ever face the truth-”

“No, you idiot!” 

His voice echoed through the empty street, loud and clear. Anger and disdain coloured his words, features twisting and knits deepening. There it was, finally. The anger and upset you had waited and waited for, the blow of the bomb, the finale. 

“I think you should stop talking because I love you and I don’t want my heart broken any further!”

Jungkook was so loud. You had never heard him so loud before, yell like that, tell you so abundantly clear that he loved you. It was the declaration of declarations, blaring and grand. You had wanted to hear it, needed to hear it all this time, all this week—that he loved you—and now when you finally did, it was truly the worst thing anyone had ever told you ever. Because it was everything you wished for, but you couldn’t have it, none of it. It wasn’t real, and even if it was, even if he meant it and he loved you, you couldn’t be with him. The truth didn’t matter. You were too damaged, too broken, too fucked up to never not doubt Jungkook, not to fear that he’d leave at any point. 

You’d never trust him.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you!” He pointed at you, face scrunched and eyes red, tears welling. “I thought we had gotten past this- isn’t it obvious that I do really love-”

“Oh, please. You goddamn liar!” Your voice shook, broke in your throat and mouth, head spinning. You were losing Jungkook, spectacularly so. “What do you know about love? This is an act, Jeon! You’re not in love with me! You’re in love with an act! You’re in love with the idea of winning your stupid bet with-”

“No, no-”

“Yes, Jeon, you don’t know shit. You pretend like you do- think you do when in reality, you don’t know anything about me. Who am I if not just a pawn in your game? Someone you paid, so you could boast and brag that you didn’t get rejected, huh?”

Jungkook licked his lips, veins bulging in his neck as he tried his very best to not go too far, implode on you, hands digging into the roots of his hair. “No, that’s not true. The bet between Tae and me—”

“Actually, you know what? I don’t even care. Because all of it is wrong. It’s not what we agreed upon-”

“Okay, yeah, so we weren’t supposed to kiss and spend time together privately, or sleep with each other and talk on the phone for hours. But look at us now!” He pointed between him and you, as if there was something between you. “We did it all, okay? And? Was it so bad?”

His eyes fixed yours, so deeply. He took a step towards you, and you didn’t back away, couldn’t.

“You call me a liar when I tell you I love you—” His voice shook, trembled terribly, and you could see Jungkook fight to find the right words, struggle to speak. It pained you to know it was all because of you. How easy would it be to take it all back? Admit fault and go back? But would it be right? “—but tell me then, why are you looking at me like that?”

You tried a laugh. A laugh that was meant to dismiss it all, deny the truth, but it sounded hollow and wrong. You couldn’t even look him in the eyes, beginning to crumble. And Jungkook saw right through you.

“Look at me and tell me you don’t feel something!” 

You closed your eyes, crossing your arms in front of your stomach. The world began to spin faster and faster, and you felt like you were losing the ground underneath yourself.

“You’re not being fair,” you whispered, shaking your head. You were speaking much quieter now, your voice having lost all of its bite and edge. This had been harder than you expected. “You’re breaking the contract-”

“Oh my God, will you forget about that? Both of us broke it a long time ago, willingly! Can you please just forget about all of it—the contract, the bet—and look at the facts?”

Jungkook was begging at this point. Would you come to your senses?

“Do you really genuinely think that the past weeks- months didn’t mean anything to me? That it was really all just pretend? That I lied about all of it? That I’m really such a big asshole that I’d pretend to be in love with you this entire time, call you daily, buy you your favourite cookies, hold your hand and kiss you and tell you—” This seemed to drain Jungkook of everything, voice trembling as he presented the worst version of himself to you. “—over and over again that I love you?”

He leaned forward, searched for your eyes. 

It was right in front of you—a white flag up in the air, for you to grab and hiss. You could do it now, he’d forgive you, you were certain of that. Jungkook was still kind enough to do so, his heart ready to let you back in. You wouldn’t even need to say anything, just falling into his arms would suffice. It’d be so easy. Simple, in fact. He’d let you do it, take your silent defeat as an apology. You’d never have to talk about it ever again. It was tempting, slip back into what you were before as if you weren’t aware that he and you were two parallel lines never meant to cross. Jungkook would never be tempted to take this way out, he’d stand straight for what he’d said, repent. The thought to take the easy way out would never cross his mind. It did yours.

“Y-yeah, I do.”

Jungkook shook his head, mouth set in a line.

“You don’t mean that-”

“Yes, I do-”

“Y/N, no, no, you-”

“Stop,” you laughed, shaking your head. “Stop insisting that I don’t mean it. I do. I-”

It was so ironic. It felt like the entire universe was mocking you, laughing at the two of you. This was what  Jungkook had wished for him and you, imagined how beautiful it would be, how you’d sit together in front of the window and watch before he’d suggest to go outside and you’d follow happily. You’d dance and play until neither of you could feel your hands and your cheeks were rough and raw from the cold wind. You’d yearn for the warm, shiver as you stepped inside, but you’d be happy. So very happy. But now it felt like a stab to your hearts instead. 

The first few snowflakes softly landed on your sleeve. It was so beautiful. The entire street would be white in a few hours, kids would come out to play soon.

“I’ll pay you back.” You took a step back, rubbed away the tears that wanted to spill. “See it as compensation for… not meeting your parents.”

Jungkook couldn’t respond, teeth sinking into his tongue, biting on the muscle until it hurt too much. 

“That’s not- that’s not the point. I don’t care for the money, I just-” He deflated. “Just-just meet them, Y/N. Give them a chance, please. You’ll realise- they’re gonna love-”

He stopped when you shrunk in on yourself, vehemently shaking your head. Neither of you said anything, just allowing the snow to fall around you and cover you in white. You’d be shivering in just a few minutes, hair and skin wet, feet shaky on the cold ground. 

Jungkook looked down, hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped. 

“Okay.”

You stood there as you waited for him to turn his back to you and walk away, waited and waited to be finally alone. He’d do it and you’d be alone and you’d be proven right, vindicated. Relief would flood you, knowing you had seen it coming, had always known correctly, protected you, at least, this time of hurt and-

The keys looked cold to the touch.

“Take them. Wait in the car. Call Chae or whoever to come pick you up. You can leave the keys in the car. I’ll get them later.”

Jungkook was ordering you, telling you what to do. And though he spoke with finality, allowing no room for you to disagree, his voice trembled and shook. You didn’t have to look to know the tears staining his cheeks, to know how much you had hurt him, realise that in your quest to do the best for both him and you because he deserved better and not be hurt and left in the end, you had done just that to Jungkook, plunged the knife into his heart and pushed it further even as he spat out blood. 

“It’s fine, I can-”

You couldn’t even finish your sentence before Jungkook grabbed your hand and placed the keys into your palm, forcing your fingers shut around them with his own. His touch sent sparks through your body. It’d be the last time he’d ever touch you, you realised, and before you could stop it, the tears spilt. But you didn’t let out a noise, kept your head low and eyes even lower. 

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

Jungkook hesitated before letting go, his feet dragging as he walked away.

Maybe it was you holding the gun, not Jungkook.

→ thanks for reading !! if you have any thoughts, id love to hear it!

[bluegalaxygirl]

caring for you

plot: Headcannons for how they would care for you before a procedure/surgery.

Characters: Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Law, Chopper, Usopp, Nami, Robin, Franky, Brook and Jinbe.

So in two days im going in to hospital for a procedure and im starting to get nervous so i thought why not do this headcannon. I thought id try Law for the first time since i adore him. There will be platonic and romantic parts so you can read what ever section you like. Theres only three people im not doing lovers for and thats Chopper, Brook and Jinbe. hope you enjoy. I'll try and post after i get back but it may be a while. im planning on doing a series of this though. Reader is GN.

Warning: fluff, bad language.

PROLOGUE

^ The surgery/procedure will be taking place in a few days, Chopper and Law will be doing it and even though your trust them you cant help but be worried. you managed to keep it hidden but now that its only two days away the knot in your stomach has tightened some much you can hardly breath.

^Your friends have taken notice and want to help calm you down. The fact that your not eating or sleeping well has them worried for you.

LUFFY

^ His goal is to make you laugh and smile, silly faces, jokes, showing you cool things. he wants all his friends to be happy and healthy and knowing you weren't healthy meant he had to make you even more happy

^ The first thing he noticed was you not eating enough, it confused him and wondered if it was the food at first. he didn't take food off your plate anymore instead pushing some of his food onto your plate wondering if you would eat it.

^ you were too distracted by his actions to notice, it made you more nervous seeing the extra food on your plate. This continued for a while until asked why you weren't eating, it came out of no where but you explained. you had to be very clear otherwise he wouldn't understand. He told you about what he'ed been doing and it made you laugh, the smile on your face sparking a smile to for on his. he didn't do it again when you asked him to stop but at least he made you laugh.

^ Will run up to you and hug you, he used to slam into you but with Nami stopping him more often now he manages to catch himself and stop just before he hits you, then hugging you lightly. He trust Chopper and Traffy to look after you and tells you that all the time "You have the worlds best doctor looking after you and traffy" if he says it in front of everyone chopper goes all happy about it while Law yells at him "Im a doctor two you know"

^On the day he doesn't realize your leaving for a little while until your about to go, he gives you a hug and tells you come back and that the crew wont be the same without you.

Lovers:

^ Will give you his hat to where if your feeling really upset and sit on the head of the sunny with you one arm around your shoulder the other on your leg.

^ will take baths with you when you want too soaking in the warm water with him, he'll wash your back and lightly touch the place that is making you ill or in pain. "Does it hurt?" he asks but you shake your head turning to hug him "No, you make the pain go away" He cant help but smile and laugh at this, he's so happy he makes your pain go away.

^ He's a loud sleeper and sometimes hard to wake up but if you get up in the middle of the night he will shoot away feeling you no longer next to him "Midnight snack?" he asks always, he hopes its a yes so you'll eat something and he can join you.

ZORO

^ You tend to train with him and he pushes you to your limits but once he found out you needed surgery/procedure all that stopped, no more weight lifting no more push ups or sit up, no bench presses no matter how much you ask to train with him.

^ It annoyed you to no end, did he think you were weak or not worthy of you time, you both argued about it often soon reaching its boiling point. The crew noticed the tension between you two, Nami, Sanji and usopp telling him multiple times to calm down.

^ "Im worried about you ok?" Zoro snaps, realizing what he said he takes a step back. "You dont think im weak?" you ask and he nods "Of cause not". you two make up form there and he agrees to help you train but only small things, again no heavy stuff things that will hurt you.

^ Most of the time its just you helping him with his training. Sitting on his back when he does push up and things like that. you both dont talk much during this time but its normal, it makes you feel normal.

Lovers:

^ He sleeps alot and when he naps you have to nap. even if your not tired you need to sleep. he will drag you form what ever your doing either to sit on his lap and snooze or go to your bedroom where he would spoon you. "You, me, Nap, now" is all he will say to you.

^ He's always been protective but the part of your body thats getting worked on is 100% more protected than the rest of you. some one comes to close to it and they go flying, doesn't matter if its a crew member or not but he will let chopper touch there because he is a doctor after all.

^ HAS had a fight with Law over the surgery/procedure, the fight had to be stopped by multiple member of each crew. you had to calm him down and tell him everything is going to be ok. he just wanted you safe and healthy, you could see that and loved him for that.

^ The day you have to go he doesn't leave your side, he carries you to his morning work out not letting you raise a finger to help just wants you to sit there and watch while he shows off. its a great distraction but when its time to go he gives you a long kiss telling you he'll see you when you get back.

SANJI

^ Your not eating right and that a big No No for him. you need to keep your strength up, He made foods that were easy on the stomach and that contained a good amount of calories while also being small.

^ He didn't force you to finish your plate even when there wasn't much on it to begin with and tries to give you snacks more often threw out the day. Any drink he gave you had some kind of fruit chunks in it.

^ Because of this you felt like you could confide in him about how you were feeling. you told him how you felt sick all the time and every time you looked at food it made it worse. You love his food and want to eat it but your to nervous to eat. "Theres no need to worry im sure theres something we can get you to eat, even if its liquefied" sanji says with a pat on your head

^ You two have a long talk about what you would like to eat and how much, he suggests things like ginger, crackers and cheese and apples since those help settle a upset stomach. The advice he give helps make you feel better managing to eat a little bit more than normal.

^ Chopper will come and talk to him about foods you should be eating and what to avoid, of cause he knows all this but is happy to have chopper tell him again, he's secretly scared that he might have missed something off the list.

^Hours before your procedure/surgery your not aloud to eat or drink so he keeps food away form you as much as possible, he doesn't want you to see hungry at seeing the food he give everyone else

Lovers:

^ Expect lots of love and praise. This man will be on his knees telling you how amazing, strong and brave you are even when you feel like dieing inside. He will touch the part of you that's going to get worked on and tell you that no matter what even if it leaves a scar he will still love you.

^ "My love, you'll be just fine its normal to be nervous, im here for you." His hands cupping your cheeks making you look up at him. "Thank you Sanji... I'll be fine, i have you looking after me" those words shoot a spark through his heart, he loves you so much it hurts.

^ Will get up in the middle of the night if you cant sleep, you dont want him to stay up with you other wise he'll be up all night but that doesn't stop him, he will hold you close to him and place soft light kisses on your cheek whispering sweet things to help you sleep

^ Will NOT smoke around you, if you come near him while he's smoking its out immediately. I don't know much about whats going to happen but he knows you system needs to be clear of any medication or substances that includes second had smoke.

LAW

^ He didn't notice your nerves until he found you in choppers office asking all kinds of questions. You had been hiding it well and he thought the straw hat crew were just overreacting but he pieced it all togeather in that moment, you didn't eat much, you fell asleep during the day and you never spent a moment by yourself.

^ He did the only thing he could think off, chopper talking to you helped but you were still not eating right or sleeping so he asked if you wanted to see his ship. it was strange to you but agreed since law had a small smile on his face as he asked.

^He walked you threw the sub stopping at one and opening the door for you. he took you to see the operating room. "I thought seeing the place would make it less... scary" he hesitated not liking the word chose but it was better than any other in his head.

^ He like chopper talked you threw what would happen, showing you some of the less scary tools he would be using. it was scary at first but seeing everyone up close and knowing that it wasn't going to touch you now made you feel better, you had time to think and adjust.

^ If you up late you can always go to law he's most likely up in his office studying something. you can drink tea with him and sit in silence. Law will sometimes ask Bepo to come in and comfort you knowing the big white bear will hug you and talk with you.

^ The day of the surgery/procedure he gets everything ready with choppers help. some of his crew are there to help. he always had his stuff on when you enter the room chopper leading the way. he asks how you are but other than that he's mainly focused on his job.

Lovers:

^ As he would explain things he would touch you. using his fingers to show where and what would happen. it was a weird sensation and you couldn't take your eyes off him.

^ Unfortunately he was in his own little world explaining things to you that he didn't notice you had started silently crying. everything up to this point had been building up, you didn't want to be alone and yet you needed to be alone in order to get your fear and tears out. This moment seemed like the only calm one you've had in a while.

^ You hugged him out of no where setting him back but he noticed the tears you were shedding. This poor man had no idea what to do, he made you cry and he didn't even realize you were upset. "Im so scared. why am i scared? i shouldn't be, i trust you but..." he stops you form saying more with a kiss, it was sweet but also a little rough "Its natural. I'll do everything i can to make you better. just name it" He asks pulling away form you lips.

^This beautiful man will do anything for you as long as it doesn't interfere with the surgery/procedure. He will lay with you in bed if you want him, he will get you food or water when you need it, he will hold you close to him while he studies. what ever it takes to make you feel loved.

CHOPPER

^ You trust chopper but the unknown scares you so thats what he wants to help with. you two will sit in his office going over what will happen before, during and after. he answers all your questions and will explain anything you dont understand.

^ He tries not to use too many medical words but if he does he explains them. He knows the others are helping you in different areas but he wants to help with that too. he cant give you any meds to help you relax. you cant have any meds in your system before hand except the ones he gives you on the day.

^ When he sees you nervous he'll take off his hat and place your hand on his head with a smile. "touching something warm and fluffy can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine, in other words it makes people happy and relaxed. so if you need too you can touch my fur" You can't help but love this boy, so sweet and smart.

^ When ever you thank him and call him doctor he goes all shy and calls you names but with a big smile on his face. you end up doing this deliberately since it makes you smile. he's so cute waving his arms around.

^ Chopper of cause worries about your food intake and sleeping pattern. He makes sure to have a talk with Sanji about food and whats best for you even though he knows that Sanji has it covered and knows way more about food than he does. As for sleep, he will sometimes sneak into your room to check on you. if your awake he will crawl into bed with you telling you that sleep is important. he cuddles with you mainly falling asleep way before you but he brings you comfort.

^ The day of the surgery/procedure he's helping law get everything ready before walking with you to the operating room. he takes your hand with a smile telling you your in good hands and theres nothing to worry about. "Don't worry, i'll be there the whole time"

USOPP

^ He doesn't know what to do. when his mum was sick he used to make jokes and tell stories, he did the same with Kaya but neither of them responded the way you did. The jokes he made caused you anxiety to boil over.

^ You tried to hid it form him knowing he was only trying to help but you would brake down when you were alone. Usopp found you though and tried to comfort him. when he realized it was him that upset you he apologized over and over again. You didn't want him to be sorry, he was only trying to help.

^ When ever you needed a shoulder to cry on Usopp was your man and his stories, although full of lies, would cheer you up, they were silly and full of life, it distracted you form what was going to come and he made sure to make then bigger and better each time.

^ He worries about you not eating and almost treats you like a child, its not amusing and no matter how hard you stare daggers at him he doesn't let up, its normally Nami or Zoro who end up hitting him over the head

^ "Choo Choo, here comes the train Y/N" He smiles the spoon full of food gliding it over to you only to be hit on the head "Will you knock it off" Nami yells making you laugh at poor usopp on the floor.

Lovers:

^ He will make wooden flowers for you, all your favorite kind made out of different types of wood, giving you one each day, treating you like a princess.

^ Sleeping next to him at night is strange though, you'll just lay there wide away unable to sleep as he drools on your shoulder fast asleep. You never realized before that he talks in his sleep. your boring night's turn into entertaining nights.

^ "Yay..... beat that dragon Y/N..... No luffy we cant eat it.... ok maybe we can" You try to hold your laughs in, he thinks highly of you and has so many funny dreams. you wont tell him about it though not wanting to spoil your little secret.

^ On the day you have to go he gives you one last wooden flower, its one he's been making form the start, its not too big but its perfect, no sharp edges, perfectly smooth, perfectly shaped petals leaves and stem. He hugs you telling you good luck before you leave.

NAMI

^ The best person to go to in this situation. she knows how to relax, a warm bath, face masks, hot stones, you name it she has the stuff for it and will happily help you relax.

^ She will get little bags of lavender for you, the smell clams you and you can keep it on you at all times. After dinner is when she suggests hot towels, face masks and cucumber over the eyes. "Time for a spar day, get ready to relax" she cheers handing you the stuff you need.

^ You two will sit on her bad listening to the sound of ocean hot stones on your back relaxing your muscles and calming your mind. You both dont talk just basking in the silence and the feeling of the heat. Sometimes Robin will join you two the three of you relaxing when ever you can. she always seems to find new ways to relax and shares it with you as long as your ok with it.

^ She's very worried about your eating but wont show it, she knows sanji can take care of it but the only problem is usopp. every time he tries to feed you she hits him, your not a child and putting focus on you to eat may make things worse.

^ When its time for you to go she will hug you with a big smile saying you'll be just fine and when you get back she'll paint your nails (it doesn't matter if your a boy she will still do it).

Lovers:

^ She can be clueless when it comes to knowing how to deal with you in this situation. your her lover and you two get along great, you always there for her and now she needs to be there for you. other than the relaxation she doesn't know what else to do.

^ She over thinks things sometimes doing too much but you know she loves you and just wants you to feel safe. Its you that has to reassure her.

^"I'm supposed to be the one helping you not the other way around. Gods i cant do anything right" she cry's something she hates doing but this vulnerable side of her shows you how much she cares for you. "Nami... you caring is the only thing i need" you say before kissing her.

^ She has trouble sleeping just like you do, she'll stay up with you and talk about anything and everything. she also try to make you fall asleep by shoving your head back down onto the pillow and whispering to you. she remembers what her mum used to say and repeats those things, it surprisingly works, the calmness in her voice and the feeling of her next to you gives you so much comfort.

ROBIN

^ You can talk to her about anything even if they are incoherent fears and worries, she holds no judgment and doesn't push them away, instead understanding and helping you threw it. she validates your feelings but gives you logic to counteract those feelings. "Its completely normal to feel this but just remember, its very unlikely for that to happen and you have the two best doctors looking after you"

^ She knows what herbal teas will be good for anxiety and helps Sanji make the tea for you, she'll drink it with you as you talk about things. she knows exactly what to say but she also doesn't sugar coat things, she wont lie to save your feelings but thats a good thing, you need someone to be straight with you.

^ She will try and help you relax joining Nami in self care, she'll rub your shoulders and back sometimes using her devil fruit powers to massage your legs as well, unsurprisingly she is very good with her hands and knows all the best places to rub.

^ She will sun bath with you and Nami on the ship now and again readjusting the umbrella with her devil fruit powers to keep the sun off you if you've been out there a while. You sometimes get so relaxed that you fall asleep, Robin making sure the sun doesn't burn your skin while you rest.

Lovers:

^ She will read to you when you cant sleep, this woman is a god sent, her calm demeanor and voice helps sooth you making you more tired than before. her soft book reads her book out in almost a whispers. Sometimes she gets so lost in the book that she doesn't even notice you've fallen asleep.

^ Once she realises your asleep she'll kiss your forehead and lay down next to you taking your hand in hers "Good night my darling, i love you" she whispers before falling asleep.

^ She will hold you hand when ever she sees you nervous, the touch relaxing you a little knowing she is there for you. She wont leave your side all that much wanting to be there in case you have a panic attack or feel ill.

^ When you have to go she will give you one of her favorite books and tells you to read it after its all over and she'll see you as soon as she can, flashing you her beautiful smile and kissing your cheek.

FRANKY

^ He is your hype man, always cheering you on. he'll show off new things he's working on or has made weather big or small most of the time trying to get you involved. he hopes it will take you mind off things.

^ He knows what its like to go threw a surgery/procedure, he's had many, many done in the past. he wont give advice on it though, his situation is different to yours and knows that Chopper and Law can deal with anything like that.

^ The only thing he will tell you is funny stories of things he did and said while coming out of the anesthesia, it always made you laugh but you did worry about what you would say or do in that situation. "I woke up and screamed IV TRAVAILED INTO THE FUTURE, IM A TIME LORD"

^ He assures you that no matter what you say or do no one will care, he on the other hand will 100% remind you of what you said after words but wont tell you that.

Lovers:

^ he will offer you his cola when ever you look thirsty, even if its his last one, he wants you to have it, he'll sit with you at dinner and most of the time not finish his plate. he thinks that by leaving food on his plate it will make you feel better about the fact you cant eat much and sometimes it works other times it doesn't, its a hit or miss situation.

^ You always lay on top of him when you sleep, he doesn't want to roll over and crush you but its also perfect. you listen to his heart beat, his calm and sleepy state keeps you relaxed. when you really cant sleep you can always wake him up, he wont mind and will stay up with you a little longer kissing you and telling you how cool and super you are.

^ the day you gave to go he does cry "Oh baby your SUPER amazing. So Brave to take this on" he yells as he sits in his knees looking at you. it makes you laugh but also filled with love. you feel more confident about it all now.

BROOK

^ Expect an extensive amount of Bone jokes, even if its not going to be a surgery/Procedure on your bones, he's still going to make jokes to see you laugh.

^" Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?" Brook will just randomly appear beside you telling a joke "The hip consultant." He laughs even if you groan at him for bad jokes but at least the thought is there. his goal is to make your ribs hurt with laughter even when he's told off by a member of the crew.

^ "Why was the skeleton laughing??? because he hit his funny bone" he laughs not even looking at your unamused face "Brook that was the worst one yet" Brook bends down to you with lifeless eyes "We'll than i guess i'll have to try another, this one is a real RIB tickler" you couldn't help but groan.

^ If he finds you up at night he will sit with you and play his violin, keeping it calm and soothing. it makes you sleepy and if you do fall asleep he wont stop, he'll keep playing until he falls asleep. The music soothing the two of you.

^ A few hours before you have to go he will ask if you want to listen to a song to help calm you down. your nerves are really starting to show and of cause you take him up on the offer hoping to clam you down. Again the song is calming and soothing helping you to relax.

JINBE

^ He can sense your nerves and knows its not an easy thing to go threw so he does what he does best and thats teach. He teaches you how to relax yourself, some breathing techniques and meditation. If you breathing is off at anytime he will help you telling you to "Breath in for 5 and out for 5, imagine a square follow the lines as you breath in and out" its surprising how much that helped

^ He'll sit with you if he finds you doing it on your own, no words spoken just two friends sitting beside each other, His calmness seems to make you ten times more calm.

^ He will also teach you a bit of fish man Yoga, you didn't even know it was a thing ans was surprised by how easy it was, it didn't put any strain on your body but also helped relax your muscles, the fluid movement keeping your breathing deep and steady.

^ A few hours before you have to go he sits with you to do another calming exercise and tells you again how to breath and relax. he tells you there is nothing to be afraid of and that your in the best hands possible. "You''ll be just fine, your in capable hand."

[echantedtoon]

Demon Bride Ch62 Fate Is Up To You

(WARNINGS: Douma, Karaku, and Enmu ARE their own warnings. Possibly some innuendos. Mentioning of death.

Hey everyone. I just wanted to thank everyone who read this far and liked my story enough to read it to it's end. I had a lot of fun writing it and it makes me happy knowing some people loved it enough to read it fully. If you liked this consider checking out my other works. Thanks to everyone for reading this, faving it, or leaving a nice comment. And thank you to Koyoharu Gotouge for creating such wonderful characters and giving me the opportunity to make this wonderful story.

This ending is left for interpretation for whatever the reader decides happens to Y/n, her suitors, and her family. Whatever you decide or who she ends up with is entirely up to you. This is also a semi epilogue for how all the demons and everyone are doing after everything.

If I update this anymore it will be to showcase fanart.)

Two months had passed since the day they arrived back. Autumn was already here and in full swing as well. Things were also finally back to normal. Douma returned to his full strength and back to running his cult. Akaza and Upper Moon Four were all back taking care of humans on the surface and helping Kaigaku to reinforce the guard on the border. The murders and prisoners were all taken cared of and Enmu eventually tracked down the case of the missing box of chocolates to a servant whom stole it for Y/n. She was given a harsh warning and made to pay for it. 

Which meant that for him there was last end to tie up completely and that meant just waiting for a certain someone to arrive right about-

SLAM!!!

"I can NOT believe you did that behind my back, Kibutsuji." The door was slammed open and he calmly stood there as an angry woman stomped in holding her child on her hip. A deep frown on her face as Susamaru and Yahaba boredly walked right behind them. "That poor girl must've been put through so much because of you!"

"Good Evening, Lady Rei...I do hope your trip...was enjoyable." He stood there calmly as she marched past. 

"Hi, Uncle Koku!," the little girl called out with a wave.

He nodded to her. "Princess...You look as lovely as ever."

Rei rounded around and pointed past him at a tired and disheveled man whom just walked in. "YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, MUZAN!!  Until you apologize to that poor girl and change what you've done, you can just sleep in your lab again!! I can not believe you would mess with matters so personal after the first time we spoke about her!! Don't even think about trying to flatter me because it wont work!" Her soft brown eyes then glanced at Kokushibo. "Oh. Hello Kokushibo. I'm sorry but I'm not feeling up to talking right now."

"Daddy's in trouble again."

Despite his position Kokushibo chuckled at the child's words. "It would seem so."

"Please just have our luggage brought to our chambers. I have a lot of unpacking to do while a certain someone thinks about what he's done." With another scowl she then turned and stomped off with her child cutely waving goodbye at him over her shoulder and the two demons in tow.

He calmly watched them go before his half lidded eyes turned to the slightly disheveled and tired looking Master of all demons. "Welcome back, Lord Muzan....I take it your trip...was eventful?"

"She hasn't stopped yelling at me for the past three days," the tired red eyed demon drawled out much to his silent right hands amusement. "She found one of the reports Enmu sent me and everything spiraled from there." A hand reached up to rub his temples. "I do hope you have better news that what I've been hearing all day."

"I do." A few papers were held up to his face. "Foremost...Tamayo has been confirmed..deceased. You shall no longer..need to worry about her. All prisoners.... responsible for treason has already been executed....The Tsuzumi Mansion is fully repaired...and many of our human branches has started...circulating more money into the territories. ..The budget for many more resources...and projects will be better funded by it."

"Is that all?" He did look interested especially when he mentioned Tamayo but he seemed more concerned by his obviously angry wife.

"There's a few meetings...in your schedule for expanding the territory..to the north and a few other important matters. However....I thought it would be beneficial for you to note that...there has been a shift in the Kizuki's behavior." 

That made his master pause in his steps and stop. Before he slowly straightened up and slowly looked at him removing his hand from his temples.  "Is that so? A shift in behavior in what way?"

"Nothing I would consider...concerning... But ever since Y/n Tamayo's arrival..there has actually been a positive effect in their...behaviors." The papers were shifted in his hands as his eyes looked over have lidded. "Lower Moon Six's progress has... remained the same but he has published...many books that seem to be popular with her... encouragement... Kaigaku has become stronger protecting her..and has won against Enmu in a blood battle...for title of Lower Moon One. Kaigaku..has also become more focused...still full of himself but focused."

"I see...It seems I'll be rearranging the ranks of the lower moons to reflect his new victory soon then. Anything else to report?"

Kokushibo nodded. "Hairou hasn't changed but...has done his job effectively as...always. But the quadruplet brothers...of Upper Moon Four has learnt to...get along better."

He rose a brow. "Really? Them?"

"I realize your skepticism...but I assure you it's true... Sekido is less verbally threatening to them... Karaku has seemed to finally learn modesty... Aizetsu has become more outspoken...and Urogi has learnt patience to not...jump into things so quickly without thinking...As for their younger brother.." Half lidded eyes looked at the papers again. "He is progressing well in his...Studies...They were terrible before..but with encouragement has been steadily progressing...and seemed to learn his lessons on attitude.. adjustment..After his last two years of schooling...I believe he may be able to rejoin...His brothers in Upper Moon Four."

He hummed. "Is that all you have to report?"

"There's more...Daki and Gyutaro has.. slowly started weaning off their obsessive.. codependency habits and Gyutaro has been...eating more. His body is now at a... almost healthy weight and he has...taken better care now. Douma..has become more...responsive to emotions now."

"That fumbling idiot? Kokushibo, I thought you knew better than most not to take me for a fool."

He calmly held up a hand. "I assure you..I speak nothing but the truth... Douma has broken through whatever barrier...that blocked his mind from human emotions...and keeps asking when he'll be granted a marriage to Ms. Tamayo... Whether that is a concerning issue..I do not know as of yet. Enmu has not changed...as far as I can tell..but his medicine has become better thanks to...the adjustments he made to it after observing...it's positive effects on both Douma..and the child you wished to raise. That's worth... looking more into. Akaza has..also not changed much..but he seems more emotionally and mentally happy..That also seems to be having a positive impact on...his workload." The papers were held out for his Master to take. "The three children...also in her care are starting to...act more positively mentally and emotionally...Rui is advanced in his studying..and will be able to skip three grades next year... Muichiro has become more outspoken..and Yuichiro has been slowly becoming more positive..They will be able to skip two grades..next year and be just one..grade behind Rui...Their fighting skills are still slowly progressing however...the Rui boy's physical health has gotten...much better."

Muzan slowly took the papers from his hand. Slowly looking them over one by one before flipping to the next page and then just slowly looking back to Kokushibo."You are certain about all of this?"

"As certain as you are...strong. Her presence seems to have...had a more positive impact.. despite the rumors and gossip...others give about her attitude and antics..."

"I see." After a moment he looked from the papers at Kokushibo. "Then perhaps making her a permanent residence would be more useful to us. Upper Moon One, send word to both Kaigaku and Enmu to come to the Infinity Castle so I may rearrange their placement in the ranks. But first see to it that you send the girl an apology on my behalf. I need to go prepare for all these meetings and explain things to my wife."

Kokushibo bowed his head respectfully. "Both shall...be done."

*****************************************************************************************

Books were being read. Papers were shuffled. And the scribbling of quills against paper was heard in the air as three boys shifted through them.

"Ugh! Math is so stupid!!," Yuichiro eventually shouted scowling at the paper.

"I know. I have to have the pervert explain it all to me...And I still hardly get it."

You chuckled at the two boys before looking back to your first letter. It was from Eri. She had officially left Kyogai's servitude and was currently living with her new husband near a lakeside town. She was starting out as a doctor's apprentice to learn more about human anatomy and medicine to become a doctor herself. Good for them both. You were happy for them. You then turned to your second envelope. It looked a bit heavier than the others. You grabbed it ifelt something inside. Curious, you cut the top with a sharp nail, turned it upside down, and shook it. Two things fell out. A note and a hair pin. You stared at the hair pin just... sitting there in your lap. The SAME hair pin you lost to that cat two months ago. Slowly you picked it up and stared at it.. before picking up the note and reading it.

'Chichumaru left this for us to find by the stairway. We thought you might've wanted it back. Sorry we couldn't deliver it in person. Hopefully we will meet again one day on better terms to talk if and when you want to.'

It had been nearly two months since that day and...Well you didn't know what to think. So many thoughts ran through your head. You are still angry at them both and rightfully so. They didn't even visit you in all the years you resided in your village and left you to be raised there...But at the same time you weren't sure if you could blame them. If you were living in secrecy from the moment you ran away and had a child, you would most definitely want to keep them safe. But..you weren't sure if you would've done it the same way they would've...You don't think you could ever separate yourself from your children. At least not forever.

"Mother." You turned to Rui who looked at you. "Are you alright? You look saddened."

You blinked. "Oh...Yes. I was just reading a few letters I got from some friends. You remember Eri don't you? She got married recently."

"Speaking of marriage, when are you going to be married?" Yuichiro looked up at you from a science book on moon phases. "You spent an awfully long time with Kokushibo Sensai. Does that mean you're going to marry him?"

"Hey! Don't forget about Father and Scary Dad!," Rui choked in and pointed at him. "I already vouched for them both!"

"Well what about Kaigaku?," Muichiro asked raising a brow, "Or Mr. Kyogai? Or the others? She hasn't made any choices yet...Wait." All the boys looked at you wide eyed. "Have you?"

You stared at them all for a moment before looking off. In truth..you actually had decided your choice about this entire thing. You thought about each individual person carefully. What they were like and how they could impact the boys. How they acted around you. What it was like if you just rejected them all . Or what would happen if you've chosen all of them. One of them. Or any combination of number of them specifically. What would happen if you just left. The pros and cons to EVERY. SINGKE. SCENARIO. You could think of. You had two months to think about everything. And at the end...you believed you did make a choice. You looked back to the boys. They deserved to know first since it would impact them too. You nodded.

"I have."

They look at one another in surprise and excitement. "Well what do you have to say?"

"I've decided-"

[definitelynotshouting]

Ahhh!!! Im so so happy you liked my analysis 😭😭. I love your writing sm <3.

I am not the same sun anon as before. If the first one is still here ill change it, and for now ill just hover uncertainly lol. Anyway! Here's some more!

-☀️

"The words slice right through the air between them, cleaving a massive chasm where the bedspread ripples and arcs. Scar freezes mid-speech, mouth hanging open in a way that could be comical in any other situation. There was a time when Grian would have been unbearably smug about that— it’s not every day you render silver-tongued Scar speechless. Now, all he can summon is a low, rolling trepidation; a gut-clenching thundercloud on the horizon, steel-grey and devouring the sky."

- There have been too many firsts lately. There was a time where this would have brought grian satisfaction, but all he feels is dread. Now every time scar reacts, or someone else reacts, it is WRONG. Another anon already beautifully talked about how none of the characters are acting like themselves, so i wont go into any detail there other than to paraphrase their point here. Before, if scar reacted like this it would mean grian did something RIGHT, now it's only another tally onto his list of wrongs.

-☀️

"It takes all of Grian's strength not to descend like a carrion bird on top of that spark of alarm, rile it up into a dread so great it would collapse Scar entirely beneath its gravity. For a moment, the idea rolls over his tongue, flits around the gilded, constricting cage of his mind; something to pick apart and chew. Something he can sink his teeth into."

- This thought is so tangible. I just adore how visceral this description is. It feels heavy and dangerous and predatory. Grian can imagine exactly what he couls do to his friends and he is so scared of himself for it.

-☀️

"It sinks into the marrow of Grian’s bones, lingering and dark, a gentle tug for truth. This isn’t some act— Scar emanates earnestness, the fathomless depths of his concern, in a wave that threatens to bowl Grian over beneath its crest. He's struck with the flashbang image of Scar kneeling in waist-high water, arms spread and voice slinking around Grian's ankles, curving over the hilt of a bloody diamond sword. He knows this siren song, in all its honeyed glory— and Scar knows it, too. The familiarity hovers just within reach, urging him to clutch at its iridescent hook."

- AH!!!! My mans can NOT understand that people care about him and are willing to put themselves on the line for him!!

- It feels like he's SO close to giving in here, to let scar KNOW him (and to admit that he cares instead of killing scar in that pond). The help is there, so long as he is willing to reach out and grab it... but then:

"Xisuma’s hesitant voice, however, buoys him back above deep water. “Grian, you aren’t… actually dying right now, are you?”

Grian grasps the distraction with both hands, letting it pull him away from danger. "

- ah yes, the age-old method: redirecting the conversation and avoiding your problems 😎. I love how the drowning metaphor kind of gets subverted here? As in, usually the surface is where you need to be, and the bottom of the ocean is what is dragging you down. This IS what's happening from Grian's pov- Xisuma is "buoy[ing]" him back to the surface so that he doesnt have to face scar- but it's not actually helping him. The surface isn't where he needs to be. The surface is devoid of substance, it is empty air, and grian has already depraved himself of enough. Does that make sense???? I am insane

-☀️

Enjoy!! :D

RATTLES AROUND IN MY CAGE. ANON YOU SPOIL ME HOLY SHIT, IM LOSING MY MIND!!!!! This is so amazing and just is really reassuring too because i was SO worried about the quality of this chapter djsbdkwndjejsj MAN,,,,,, going to stare off into the sunset for a while this is so sweet and kind tysm king i hope you are having an excellent day

[kittyphoenix12-xx]

Hi!

About that why did you get billy hate poll... Personally i dont post about billy or harringrove so i never had any hate targeted at me, and i cant vote in zhe poll because of it. BUT i had to block so many accounts and tags because i couldnt go into the billy hargrove tag without encountering these mile long posts about how awful we all are. I know you know these posts too well, so i wont detail how according to the antis we are all racist assholes. The worst part is that when i first joined the fandom i saw so many of these that i almost believed them. You know, when a bunch of people are all saying the same bs but you start to doubt yourself, it really sucked. It effected me enough thst i had a hard time "confessing" to my real-life (aka not online) friends who are casual fans of the show that he was my favourite character. And the funny part is most of them couldnt even care less, cause being such a passionate anti for a fictional character and writing 10k essays on how awful that FICTIONAL CHARATER is and therefore his fans and the actor too IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR! It is as chronicly online as it gets. There was only one friend of mine who was suprised and since she is a very opinionated person started to explain to me how SHE COULD NEVER LOVE HIM and she is suprised that i care about him. I tried to explain to her that i know that he behaves like an asshole but its due to his background and i believe would he have gotten the same treatment as steve he could have been redeemed, i was hit with the classic tonedeath answer:

Well my home life wasnt sunshine and puppies either but i dont go around beating up kids

At that point i just gave up in arguing honestly and then i felt like an idiot for not putting up more of a fight, cause this made it feel like her argument i agreed with. God.

I love billy so much, but all this negativity that comes with being in the fandom just drains me.

my dear anon, you are absolutely correct and i hope you have a lovely day.

i confess that when i first watched stranger things, i didn't like billy that much. and i handled that by not engaging with media about him, you know, like a normal person. this was just after s2 came out so i wasn't active on tumblr, i wasn't writing fanfiction, i wasn't in the fandom (and I'm glad let me tell you). but i was also thirteen and related to max more than billy, but the older i got, the more mature and aware i became of just the world in general.

in my humble opinion, the vocal billy antis are ignorant. they don't want to a conversation, they don't want to discuss nuance or entertain the idea of people unlearning things.

we've reached a place in this world where racism and homophobia and ableism are so prevalent that people forget that these things are taught and can therefore be unleant. because a lot of the real life people don't want to unlearn, or can't.

and that idea as spread into fandom spaces. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but the fact that people's response to children/teenagers saying racist/homophobic things is to immediately call for their death is a bad thing actually. and yes, it's spread to characters as well.

it's all performative. i made that poll just to see how performative antis are and, yeah, the results aren't great.

another thing i've noticed about people in general is that they tend to hate characters that exhibit their *embarassing* flaws. media that has racist/homophobic characters in the bad positions aren't really loved by people who hold those views.

^^^^ i think this summarises what i'm trying to say. no one wants to be the bad guy, so when they see something that forces them to confront that part of them, they push it away, deny it.

billy/harringrove stans have been harrassed, told to kill ourselves, called slurs and yet the people who say those things think they're right because they can't fathom being wrong.

so, anon, what i've learnt from my six months in this fandom, is to embrace it. yea billy was going to hit the kids with his car, i actively encourage that now. yea billy was going to kill everyone, he should've killed them all.

but no matter what, we love and support each other. so feel free to ramble in my ask box whenever, start posting on your blog about billy, do whatever you want.

they don't matter to us. they can't matter to us. fandom should be safe and it should be fun and those people are making themselves miserable. and that isn't our fault and it isn't our problem.

[threehundredhats]

OoooooOOO scary(itsnotthatscarystill) story part 2 OOOOO

You can't exactly scan anymore items when the machine is asking for a service plan so I let my own eyes wander, and I see what was waiting behind the grinder: The deli meat I had seen earlier. Except it wasn't just deli meat, it was whole steaks and sausages and slabs of pork. And beyond all those piles of meat, was a single brown paper bag, the bottom dark with some liquid that was slowly leaking onto the conveyor belt. I don't know why but I felt, weird about it. I linked it to the idea that the liquid was going to make the bag tear easily, but that still didn't feel like that was it. The man finally decided on getting the service plan, which cost a ridiculous amount for a hand crank grinder, and I began to scan the meat. Most of it was soggy by now, I don't think I took that long getting to it? Maybe the old man just wandered around with it in his cart forever. I glanced back at him and nearly jumped, his head practically leaning over the register as he stared at the meat. He must have taken notice because he stepped back, though didn't stop looking at his soggy purchases. I made some conversation to cut the tension, trying to start with a “So, have a lot of mouths to feed, eh?” only to be met with “Oh I just like to save it up.”. I wanted to continue but the only words I could think of were ‘You eat all this!?’, so I dropped the chatter. Can I tell you how annoying it is to scan meat products? They are always in some small bag you have to open, or the barcode is wet and wont read, or sometimes it's none of those and the machine just doesn't accept the item despite nothing being wrong. This grievance came to my mind when the paper bag finally reached me. I picked up the scanner and with an annoyed glare at the bag went to open it. I had barely any time to notice the man was over the register again. I did notice, though, his slimy hand firmly grab mine as I opened the package. I could feel his bone through his thin skin and, and his skin.. It was like leather left in the rain. His gray eyes looked through me the same way as when he looked at his deli. It pains me to admit I, indeed, did yelp a little at this otherwise out-of-line customer behavior. Not wanting to be gripped anymore I did the first thing to pop in my head and let go of the red stained bag, and thankfully he unclenched his hand from mine upon doing so. He smiled, and in the same charming old voice he spoke with earlier said “My apologies, I did not want the bag to rip. I hope I was not inconveniencing you.” I smiled, wiping my arm on my uniform behind my back “Of course sir.” I say. He turns the bag around and plastered to the back of it is a barcode sticker. I examined it for a moment, the bottom of it was wet with the red that was now making a whole puddle on the conveyor which I simply knew I was going to have to clean again. It looked like a real enough barcode, though I'd never seen the deli use a brown bag for any of the meat, not that I really cared if this guy was trying to sneak some expensive meat out with a lower price, I only cared that he wasn't going to be staring at me any longer. To my surprise the barcode worked, and it wasn't listed as cheap either. Three hundred and something dollars for something that seemed the size of a burger patty, not that I had the chance to see it but it had that weighty-feel when I had moved the bag. Actually in all the man had spent well over seven hundred dollars on everything, still not the biggest sale I had though, you would not believe how much some people buy by themselves.

(Hey Hat again did you know I still dont know how to get around the big old word limit anyways hope your nights going well look for the third part somewhere)

[justineps]

2023-2024 was the hardest, I almost didnt make it out because for the first time, I didnt bother to look around for hands or any reciprocations of help or guidance. I’ve been caring and relying on others for the first thirty years of my life, so I decided, that part of me needed to die. It had to. I did not know who I really was, what I felt, what to do with what I felt, is there a right or wrong? And it’s been two years, two lonely years, but I spent it all with no other than the person I definitely needed to, myself. No one when I was age 30 and earlier knows who I am, but I do. And as much as pain and suffering and even flashbacks of sobbing seeing nothing but pitch blackness surrounding me, especially when the person who gave you a chance to exist, ends up being the one to make you feel like its better off to not. Just writing this is .. honestly hard for me to do as memories and experiences of the past two years keep flooding my mind. I wish I was properly diagnosed with ADHD type: combined earlier in my life, because it explains a lot about me, and that specific type of ADHD is closely related to anxiety/depression disorder. In a sense, I was halfway diagnosed. I also had a feeling but dont want to get into it. I didn’t forcefully burn bridges with everyone, and in actuality, I hope that if I return to some bridges, some of those would still be there, but wont beat myself up if they were no where in sight anymore. Balance. Sacrifice. I cared for others so much up until 30 years old, even if it may seemed as if it were for selfish desires, it wasnt. I just really did not know how to express myself in a way for someone to understand me. Its been 2 years. 2 years. 2 years of being alone, not having someone to eat with, not having someone to talk to about an episode or movie I found amazing, which was the total complete opposite of what I was experiencing beforehand for the first time. I had never spent time with someone every single day of my life with someone so it was very raw and new to me, but Im sure on the other hand, it was an experience she was used to. We never really took time to try and understand each other, and sometimes I question if I really loved that person. And the simple answer to that was yes, deeply. It’s been two years, and the old me wouldve tried to go out and date or get my mind off things, but i realized id just be repeating the never ending cycle i always have been and would ultimately get me nowhere. Theres many things I wish I could say but I know many people would look at me the same despite not knowing where Ive been the last two years and it shows whenever someone reaches out (“You’re alive?! What the heck where have you been? “yes i am, barely made it but yes. Ive been.. i dont know and really hope you dont ever go there, but its nice to hear back from you too take care”) I’ve been writing in a journal, it helps me self reflect a lot and the main reason im not the same person I was two years ago, and despite whatever others may think, I feel like I am finally me, and although we live in the loneliest generation ever, I do hope one day someone or even someone I already know, sees me for who I have turned into, and if they are genuinely curious as to my past two years, I will simply hand them my journals and tell them I trust them enough to not feel any remorse for what I was going through, but moreso happiness and pride that I was able to, because in those journals, I sometimes even feel like Im reading a fictional book. My English teacher in highschool was right, I cant speak what I feel and want to, but if someones takes the time to read and listen to what I have to say, not how I say it, but the words and meanings of what I said, then they’ll be able to be one of the firsts to not see me as misunderstood. I’ll never forget when someone randomly went up to me, smelling like liquor, and told me “You know you’re just really misunderstood, but dont worry so much!” And he went off to the dance floor and acted like the fool he happily was.

Theres so many things I want to say, but I have to just move forward, it hurt when thinking my dream as a kid is most likely not going to happen at this point, but i take full accountability for where i am today, and where I end up after this.

Love,

JS

i been pulling myself out of dark places alone since i was a child. i’m built for anything

[cakessecretblog]

R 8/27

i once saw someone say, "my final act of love is leaving you alone", and i pretend like that's what i did for you, i tried so hard for years to prove how much i loved you. I know you did too, i know how hard you tried, i promise.

i know how i showed my love was different from most, i know i wasn't the most stable, caring or affectionate. i hate myself every day for the things i did wrong. i spend a lot of time dwelling, wondering why i cant go back and change it all.

i put on an old shirt today, it smelled like us. or what i imagine the smell we grew to create. isn't it funny to think that the time we spent was literally washed away?

its hard not you check on you, its been months, so many people blocked, removed, so many people i had to give up on. i simply want my own peace, yet i find myself on lonely nights like this thinking of you. i honestly don't even know what you're up to, or if you & her are even still together.

the other night i had a gut wrenching thought, that you might marry her and you might dance to the song i wanted for us. god that tore me apart.

i think you'd be proud of me if you could see me now. some days i catch myself thinking about reasons to text you. i think to myself, "does he not reach out because he hasn't given me a second thought, or is it because i don't reach out and he thinks its for the best to leave it alone?" and i guess its just a projection of how i feel, but the ladder is easier on the mind.

I've also done a lot of things not even i am proud of. i wont go into specifics, but its taken a lot of trail and error to get to where i am now, and I'm still not good enough.

I've made a lot of new friends, a lot of people have become important in my life without me even realizing. clearly, I've stayed single. but its not that i didn't try. I did, over and over and over. i meet someone that i like, and then on a random tuesday when the sun is bright in my eyes and i slept a little too late that morning, i fucking hate them. men, women, doesn't matter. nobody, no body, is good enough.

i cant tell if I'm lonely, or scared to be alone. some days i feel like if i don't start dating soon, it'll be a big topic of discussion at your families dinner table. "look at poor [redacted] and her inability to love and be loved, we always knew she was a nutcase" i wonder how many of those sessions you and her have sat in on and laughed over. does it bond you closer together?

i'm unsure if you know, but our son passed away this month. if you didn't know, im sorry you found out this way, i swear on my life i wanted you there. i just fucking couldn't bring myself to make that call. please forgive me. my inability to face you stole your last moments with our boy. i was also, petrified, that you wouldn't even care, our lives are so far separate now, would a call have even went through? on the other hand, if you know, why didn't you say something? no one did. you, your siblings, your parents. my heartache was nothing to bat an eye over.

theres so much i have to say to you. six long months of me alone in my room, just asking question after question. i feel like i could keep typing for hours, but everything would get redundant. i need time to think about the things i say.

what i really wanted to say at the end of the day is, i wish i could talk to you, but i hope i never see you again. and i love you. and i wish you were dead. and i wish we had the life we envisioned. a few weeks ago, flipping through my old sketch books i found a page, from 2020. it was a rough sketch of our first apartment together, and both of our hand writings.

oh god, i miss you so much.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im uninspired and feeling like my head is empty, because ive spent a longgg time hibernating in the safety and comfort of my own bedroom.

well a small lie - i did go out to buy groceries today. it seems were all in the same boat. its cold out! no one wants to go outside. but connection and social interaction is what brings us confidence and joy and comfort in the discomfort.

but yet somehow despite that discomfort (my anxiety about returning to the real world) i was completely fine. i was okay. because i think ive finally figured it out. i know how to take care of myself. i know how to make space in the world without feeling ashamed or guilty for it. or im learning. but im so so so much better than i was. a year ago, two years ago... etc.

ive been wondering why i thoughtlessly let myself fall into the trap of nostalgia and request an old friend that i cut off on instagram. hes probably wondering why now? and avoiding it. fair enough. im not going to rescind that decision - its done now. but still i question my logic in that moment. but thats the thing, i wasnt thinking. i was being hopeful. but either way - he doesnt owe me anything, even if we were to become reconnected i wouldnt want to reach out or make any plans together. which again begs the question of why i would even try get into contact again in the first place.

i guess i have just been feeling tired of wondering how everyone from my past is doing, and that things could and would be so chill and relaxed if id never jumped to blocking but actually calmly and slowly distanced myself. which is what i am capable of doing now - after a few years of practice.

but coming back full circle - this friend was not a true friend. my nostalgia is a rose coloured pair of glasses because i remember our friendship and bond and the fun we had and the mischief we got up to. but this person - was not a friend. he was ill intentioned and selfish, and didnt truly care for me. he disrespected me and hurt me time and time again. so no, he is not worth my energy anymore. once upon a time we were soulmates. but i changed. i grew up. we grew apart. it was natural. and for some reason... of all the people from my past i could have done it to... it was him?

to be fair i already did reach out to my ex in march. and then i changed my mind within a week or two. and then he reached out to me... isnt that crazy? the timing? the fact that god had us pass eachother by like doves in the wind or ships in the night... because despite our bond still being there - the memories, the connection, the impact we had on eachother - its not enough. it was never enough. again, i grew up, we grew apart, and it was natural.

so what does this all mean for me? my usual logic is to cut the cord and say goodbye. but my subconscious desire to love, be connected, and honour the relationships that made me the person i am today is becoming stronger and stronger. i can put aside my ego and hurt, because i healed. i let it go. it is in the past. the past stays in the past and all that matters is now. and right now - i am not the kind of person who just deletes a person from her life and calls it a day. people are not disposable. and while i respect that we are completely different people now, and our paths have diverged and we will never replace the connection we once had, it doesn't mean i want to let you go entirely. i remember you. i respect how much of an impact you had in creating the person i am today.

i also respect that i probably hurt you just as bad when i walked away. so while i am ready to let go and forgive and reach out, i dont expect you to feel the same. to receive that energy and respond to it. its in YOUR prerogative to simply ignore and delete that request in the same exact way i did.

but... i probably wont reach out to the other friend. some people stay in the past. idk. im lost now. my point is ive let go and forgiven. but nothing really has to change, only my behaviour moving forward. no mistake is worth my walking away. distance is my friend but i dont need to cut people off anymore. thats the easy way out. life isnt meant to be easy. i want to learn to do the hard thing... i am learning to do the hard thing.

this has been a healing experience. thank you, C <3

[ireallydontunderstandpeopleatall]

this past monday I took smores to the vet to check his condition of chewing on his back legs and on his butt/ back area.

the vet gave him and allergy shot which fixed him and mentioned for long term care to have moisturizing wash baths and benadryls

vet also took his blood to test his liver values, bc in may 2023 when he went to a diff vet for stomach issues and they tested his blood and saw his liver values were off and they gave him liver vitamins to help support his liver which he has not been taking bc theyre chewables but he has not been taking them bc he does not like them

on wednesday his blood work came back and his liver values are still bad and also his kidneys are showing b.u.n? which i need to give the vet a pee sample

so now vet said to do an ultrasound for smores which will cover his liver and kidneys and if necessary will do a biospy after.

and I'm in disbelief because my baby dog is now sick and idk what is going to happen and not sure how much longer he will be with me

this mid week i was so depressed and stressed out bc of costs

the ultrasound i called about to 2 vet specialists our vet recommended and they have both quoted about $745-$920. which means to get an xray alone is already 1,000 dollars.

I can pay 1 ,000 dollars but what is next? how much will treatment be? i googled liver disease in dogs and one person said they paid 14,000$ just to get a diagnosis. I don't have 14,000 now, nor will I ever have it all at once.

I feel so helpless that I can not do more for my baby, and i dont know what to do, am I just suppose to not get him medical care??

I read posts from the rainbow bridge and people who say things like they wish they could have done more for him/her. i now know what that really means.

I thought about how I only have 4,000 and i just let my mom borrow it because shes fucking irresponsible and needs to pay back her debt. and she wont be paying me back for a while but I didnt think i would need that money rn and how wrong i was.

then my fucking big credit card is maxed out due to my mom's usage also. it would have 5,000 which i could have really used for the ultrasound.

and so i was sitting there flipping through my accounts and looking at my balances like a few thousand dollars was going to magically pop up in them and save me and my dog

i looked at my digit savings and even if i cash over absolutely everything I will have CLOSE to 4,000. not even 4,000 :(

then my paypal credit which i asked for a credit line increase and they gave me 2,000 but it said i do not get an actual card for it and its mainly for online purchases so that doesnt help me at all.

so finally i applied for care credit and luckily was approved for 5,000.

also to note i just bought my tesla and the payments are so high and insurance is through the roof and i will turn over this car if i need to to free up money to set aside for smores treatment so we'll see if it comes down to that. it's my dream car but i can always buy another one later and my baby dog needs me right now

so hopefully care credit is enough for everything and i really hope a biopsy will not be 14,000. if things can stay below 8,000 for everything than that is something that i can reach but if they start quoting me 20k or so I'm afraid i will have to make some tough decisions and start considering end of life services for smores.

I have been thinking about it and if it comes down to me absolutely not being able to afford paying for smores services then i will have to start having a conversation with his vet on what i can do to make sure he is comfortable for the rest of his time :(

this week has been me taking so many pics, spending so much time, making sure he feels loved and looking at him like i will never see him again. i keep thinking of how i dont want to think of what it will be like without him, im not sure i will be able to breathe. he is my soul dog and i love him with all of my heart

I called around to see if i could find a better deal on an ultrasound but it looks like i can't. i also have an option of 2 places and right now I have booked with the "better place " but its 3 weeks out and being that long out also stresses me out and idk

I been putting his liver supplements in his water so he can actually take some of it. I really wish I had been addressing this sooner.

with the death of my aunt who i love so much, stephen who was such a good friend and poor daniel. I just want to try to stay positive bc i jsut dont know what to do or think anymore.

the sudden deaths of my loved ones in such a little time has been so hard on me, I remember after finding out about each one my mind goes to a dark place and my body kind of falls apart for a time and it just feels like it gets weaker with each one. I have questioned my own health and then i get scared of what if

anyways so thats whats going on w smores so far

[sabo-has-my-heart]

Hello! I’ve read the rules so i hope i wont mess up :,) (i would want the characters luffy and zoro seperatly for this one if you can only do one then pls luffy)

I would like to know if you could do a one piece angsty oneshot where the boys are in a battle with someone strong and while they were distracted (you can come with something like there was smoke so they couldn’t see or they were thrown into the water) when suddenly they hear s/o scream and when they turn around they see the enemy stabbed s/o in the left side of the chest(thats where the heart is~😙!) so the boys thought s/o died (so they got mad or sad and like suddenly were able to defeat the enemy) and then they walked up to your lying body ready to grief until s/o opens their eyes and be like „wtf?? How“ and says „don’t worry…i have Dextrocardia“ (its when the heart is on the right side) ofc those two/he doesn’t know what that means but hurried to chopper to heal u so later on some comfort since s/o is getting healed and later s/o explains what that means (unless chopper already told) and they are actually insecure about it thats why they never told them.

I totally get it if you decline this request it is kinda complicated lol

If you then thank you i tried my best with my broken english XD

don't worry, your english is great, this was an interesting piece to write, I really enjoyed it. I hope you don't mind Luffy being a little OOC, I see him reacting very badly to an s/o dying.

Warnings: dark!Luffy, mentions of possible death, 

Word Count: 1220

Many of the battles they’d fought were difficult, Luffy ending up unconscious at the end of far too many of them. This one was different though, you couldn’t just punch your way through your opponents this time. They weren’t just stronger, they were smarter, faster, they seemed to know more about the crew than most people you fought, countering attacks, seeming to fall back only to surge forward once they had you where they wanted you, to say nothing of their abilities or weapons. None of you noticed what was happening until you were screaming in pain, staring at the sword protruding from the left side of your chest. Your eyes widened as you began to fall, vision growing blurry as you fell to the ground. You heard Luffy screaming, you could hear the pain in his voice. 

Luffy’s world seemed to stop as he watched you fall to the ground, eyes falling closed. No, no he couldn’t lose you! He’d lost enough already, he couldn’t lose you too! Something in Luffy snapped, the young man’s eyes darkening, a wave seeming to wash over his opponents, many of them foaming at the mouth as they collapsed, unconscious. The young man wasn’t a demon like Zoro or Robin, he wasn’t a ‘monster’ like Sanji. Watching you fall to the ground, Luffy became something far worse. A God of destruction, of death, a force the likes of which the world had never seen as he faced the remaining enemies that were still conscious. Normally he was running into battle, quickly taking down his enemies, but this Luffy, this creature of ruin, walked forward with purpose, a terrifying sense of calm as they began to attack the boy once more, only to be blocked or countered with ease. None of the Straw Hats dared to stop Luffy or get in his way as Chopper rushed over to you. Those who didn’t run were quickly defeated, what state their enemies were in, however, was questionable, but in Luffy’s frame of mind, he couldn’t be bothered to care, the look morphing into one of terror and fear as the last man fell, his mind returning to you. In an instant, Luffy was by your side, Chopper kneeling by your side, the sword that once pierced your chest by your side. Chopper seemed to be applying something to your wound, the blood that should be pouring from the wound seemed to have stopped as Luffy slowly reached out, his hand shaking as he gently caressed your cheek, smearing blood against your skin as tears started to fall. A groan left your lips, your head turning towards Luffy, eyes opening, looking at your lover.

“Y/n…. you…. You…” the tears fell faster as Luffy pulled you close only for you to cry out in pain.

“Careful, Luffy! The stab wound wasn’t fatal yet but she’s still seriously wounded!” Chopper said, reaching out towards you, Luffy nodding as he gently lowered you to the ground, letting Chopper return to tending to your wounds.

“H-how? You were stabbed.” Luffy asked, confused by the pained smile on your lips.

“It’s called Dextrocardia, my heart’s over here.” you said, pointing to the right side of your chest, “They missed anything vital.” you croaked out, still smiling at him.

“It’s a miracle, really. They missed your main arteries, your lungs, everything.” Chopper explained, Luffy nodding as his smile started to return.

“You’ll get better though, right?” Luffy asked hopefully. You wanted to laugh, you really did, but with the pain and the wound, you couldn’t, simply nodding instead.

“It’ll take time for the wound to heal, but she’ll be just fine. We need to get her back to the ship though, we need to be very careful.” Chopper said, though Luffy didn’t hear anything past she’ll be fine. You would be alright, that’s all that mattered.

**~~**~~**~~**

Zoro hated to be separated from you during battles like this, he couldn’t look out for you. It wasn’t that he didn’t think you couldn't handle yourself, you were a Straw Hat, you were plenty strong, but he preferred to have you where he could protect you in the off chance you needed it. It wasn’t until he heard a cry of pain that he was able to find where you’d gone, his blood running cold. Blood was soaking into your clothes, a bullet wound piercing your chest where your heart should be. Zoro never thought he could feel this much pain as he cried out your name. It couldn’t be, not to you, anybody but you! Swords in hand, he became a demonic whirlwind of blades and fury. Cutting down enemies, he didn’t realize they’d ‘won’ until Luffy was stopping him, letting the remaining opponents run away. Zoro turned to you, his swords dropping to the ground as he fell to his knees. How had this happened to you? Why you? He would have gladly taken your place if it meant you would still be in this world. Your smile brightened his world, without you, could he even continue to chase his dream? Watching on, he saw Chopper ordering the crew around, though what the reindeer was saying, he wasn’t sure. The world around him didn’t seem to register as he stared at your body, only snapping out of it when Sanji carefully picked up your body.

“Don’t you touch her!” Zoro shouted, rushing forward, only to have dozens of hands holding him back, Robin stopping him from moving forward.

“He needs to get her back to the ship quickly before she dies, Zoro!” Robin said, drawing Zoro’s attention, the man looking rather shocked. You were alive? But he’d seen it, the bullet went right through your heart, you should be dead. Still, Robin wouldn’t lie about this, could you really still be alive?

Time seemed to pass by in a blur as he sat by your side, begging for you to live. Chopper had told him how you’d survived. Dextrocardia, your heart wasn’t where it should be. The bullet had missed, it had pierced a lung, but according to Chopper, that would heal. Seeing your eyes flutter open, Zoro’s world seem to brighten before blurring with tears. He wanted to pull you into his arms, wanted to hold you, the only thing stopping him being Chopper’s warning of how much pain you’d be in.

“You’re awake.” he stated, smiling at you, brushing some hair back.

“I think death would hurt less.” you joked, smiling at him, the man chuckling in response.

“Why didn’t you tell me your heart was on the right?” Zoro asked, not sure what else to say.

“It wasn’t important, so my heart isn’t where it’s supposed to be, it doesn’t affect my ability to love you or my ability to be a straw hat.” you said, trying to shrug, only to wince in pain. Zoro’s eyes widened slightly, worried about your well being.

“You… you shouldn’t move, you’re still healing.” Zoro said, taking your hand in his, his thumb rubbing the back of your hand, “I’ll take care of you until you’re better though. Just don’t scare me like that again.” Zoro said, making you smile and nod. You wouldn’t leave him, you couldn’t leave him, you loved him too much to leave such a reckless man alone.

[rawmeknockout]

Jetfire/Starscream/Bumblebee Commission

I was contacted by a follower who wanted me to write out my SkyStarBee idea, so here it is! I hope this is what you wanted! I haven’t ever written a complete fanfic before, just blurbs and short scenes, so I hope this is okay. I want to try writing longer form but it’s hard to formulate full plots. (⁎⁍̴̆Ɛ⁍̴̆⁎)

The blinding gleam of yellow and white is easy to see from high up in Earth’s atmosphere, mottled eggshell colors glinting, dancing, in the Sun’s dying light, and it calls the flighty Seeker back to the ground before he can stop his instinctive descent. He wasn’t looking for them, but lately he’s adopted an uncanny habit of finding these two during their moments alone. At least he’s been quiet about it, quick to appear and quick to leave. Most nights, he can convince himself this is just reconnaissance. After all, he doesn’t hold any feelings in particular for any Autobots.

There’s precious little Air Commander Starscream, second in line to rule the Decepticons, actually cares about. Everyone knows this. He holds little value in life in its abstract form, in other people's lives, in the lives of those serving under him. He cares about power and strategy, his trine when they see fit to follow his orders, and the glory of leading the Decepticons. Half the Decepticon army could keel over dead in a solar cycle, and Starscream wouldn’t blink an optic for them. His spark has frozen over in an unending winter, petrified and withered under the harsh life he leads.

Once upon a time, maybe, Starscream had cared about something. If he reminisces hard enough, which he rarely is wont to do, he can evoke the feeling of caring so deeply that it feels it would never end. That type of thing had been so important to him once; the feeling of knowing that he was loved, and loving in turn. He had once believed that if all was lost, he would need only to remember that such a strong feeling exists within him and he could keep going. That such a strong emotion could live even in the coldest, most ancient of sparks. That a strong enough feeling of fondness could keep him going, in spite of the cruelty of life on Cybertron. Those memories are pushed down with the weight of responsibility, with his long term goals. There’s nothing more important than ruling the Decepticons and demanding the respect he deserves. He can’t rely on fickle things like emotions or others’ loyalty. All things ephemeral would scatter to ash in his servos and leave that gaping wound within. Power is the only thing worth fighting for. With that right sort of strength, he could ensure pain was a thing of the past.

And things of the past should be destroyed, forgotten, left to rot so they don’t rot him. Why should he give a flip about some traitor and his annoying little companion? It doesn’t make sense. Starscream nearly wants to out himself, jump from his hiding place, and blast those goody two shoes Autobots right in the faceplates. How utterly infuriating, to catch them canoodling in broad daylight over and over again. His clawed servos nearly score lines in the boulder he’s hiding behind, but Starscream, ever tactful, has enough discipline to relax his grip. If only so he can observe their romantic moment for just a second longer. That’s what he always promises. Just a moment longer.

His tank turns in on itself watching them. The way Bumblebee’s servos caress over Jetfire’s flushed cheekplates. Starscream can remember so clearly the feel of that face in his own servos, the way Jetfire would press his helm into his reach, the soft curves of that warm smile shown just for him. The sensation of those memories is so clear, like it was only yesterday that they were working side-by-side on Cybertron. Perhaps Bumbler’s servos are smooth and soft, the faintest brush on battle-scarred metal. The burn of envy in his system is so familiar, his clawed digits puncturing the smooth metal of his servos.

Jetfire looks better than Starscream last remembers him, he’ll at least admit that much. He’s well-rested, expression peaceful and stature relaxed, plating bright under Earth’s alien star. His frame is curled, bent forward, towards the yellow mech in that way Starscream remembers always hating. He resented how Jetfire had to make himself smaller just to be heard properly. His soft demeanor and gentle tone of speaking was always a hindrance, although he didn’t used to think so. There’s a nagging in his spark, just on the other end of a self-enforced barrier, something he can never reach for again. It’s a burden, one he’s somewhat successfully ignored for a long time. Even if he reached to take it, would he be welcomed back? If he was… Starscream might be even more enraged. How dare Jetfire be so weak.

And he had to choose the weakest of the Autobots to replace him with. Pathetic, really. The idea makes Starscream wince… He likes Bumblebee, more than he should. A small gray servo holds tight around one of Jetfire’s, their digits too different in size to truly interlock. Starscream’s servos would be perfect for holding either, a disgusting thought he tries to will away. Buzzer seems to be regaling Jetfire with one of his missions, if his errands could even be called that. Those bright optics shine with energy, wide and kind. It’s no wonder why soft-spoken, outcast Jetfire would choose Bumblebee. Starscream purses his lips into a thin line. It’s no wonder why two soft, kind, gentle mechs would end up finding safety in each other. The way they inch closer has his tank feeling heavy with dread, lead-coated despair making a home in his system.

Bah! There’s nothing Jetfire has that Starscream could possibly covet, and if he did… Well, Starscream could just steal it away! Who would stop him? He’s far too commanding and ruthless for Jetfire to beat, far more cunning than the other mech, too. Bots like Jetfire, they can’t compete with mechs like Starscream. Try as he might to protect the things he holds dear, there’s always going to be a bigger, stronger force that can, and will, come in and take it away. Starscream knows that better than anyone. And he won’t feel a lick of shame for crushing his former associate.

When Bumblebee is secure in his arms, Starscream will relish the broken, devastated look upon Jetfire’s face. It’s a look he has come to know so well. Despite everything: too much engex, numerous head injuries courtesy of Megatron, and several millennia upon him, nothing could erase that expression of hurt from his memory. He could make out that face in a sandstorm. Erase the entire contents of his being, and, still, Starscream would remember it.

That sinking hole of greed opens up its wide maw within him, even hungrier than before. It demands he take what he wants, even if he has to work day and night for it. Greed is something he can work with, a feeling he’s become used to. Starscream hates to reminisce, to envy and ache, but to fill his greed is something he can do. Envy directs him to long for things, for people, for what he could have if only he were someone else. It reminds him who he is, who he has been, what he will never be. Greed can be fed with position and infamy, the look of terror in an Autobot’s face, the sight of Megatron laying helpless at his pedes. It can be fed by forcing others to give him what it wants.

Seeing him happy only further strengthens Starscream’s resolve to have more. When he’s leader of the Decepticons, then Jetfire will be begging him for mercy. Apologizing for ever turning his back on what Starscream has worked so hard for. Apologizing for ever opening this festering wound in his chest, leaving him to agonize.

—————————

Jetfire catches the distant sound of plating snapping and transforming. His optics dart quickly up to Bumblebee’s faceplate, but the young scout is too preoccupied with his story to notice the distinct sound of a Seeker taking flight. Starscream always prided himself on being stealthy and quick, the fastest flight frame in his entire graduating class. The thought teases a weary little smile onto Jetfire’s face, trying to nod along with Bee’s words. It’s difficult to think about anything when his spark is thrumming hard in his chassis.

He shouldn’t keep his little lover in the dark about Starscream’s eavesdropping. He’s done it so often that it’s becoming a bit of a concerning habit, but… Jetfire can’t bear to take another thing from his old friend. This is the most time he’s been able to spend with Starscream ‘amicably’ in years, even if it’s indirect and worrisome. He’ll tell Bumblebee. He has to, eventually, but just not yet. The little yellow mech is more understanding than most, more likely to listen to his explanation about why he let it go on so long, but he hasn’t quite figured out just how to say that Starscream is spying on them in particular. He’s not even sure why Starscream is spying on them in particular. His intuition tells him things that are too hopeful, too painful, to be real.

All he knows for certain is that this can’t go on. Maybe confronting Starscream would be better than telling Bumblebee outright, but thinking about keeping such a secret from the kind minibot has him feeling sick. Bee deserves to know. He should never have let this go on so long. It’s a selfish act, a selfish desire. Jetfire greedily wants so much; so much love, so much time, so much from mechs he’s not even sure he deserves anymore.

Bumblebee, sweet Bumblebee, is unaware of his inner turmoil as the mini settles back onto his thigh, optics watching Earth’s star rest its heavy body below the distant horizon. His own body also feels incredibly heavy with the thought and burdens of tomorrow. For now, Jetfire cradles close the little mech and tries to find peace in the moment. For now, he knows Starscream will be back, and, for now, he can have them both close.

[witchersgoldenbard]

After the battle is over and an unsettling silence has returned into the walls of Kaer Morhen, Jaskier is standing in the great hall, staring unseeingly at the remnants of destruction and battle. Life happens around him, like it always does, but he just stands there and breathes.

His hands twitch by his sides, calling attention to their wounds, newly scraped open on the stone floors, tiny shards of wood and glass and stone digging into his skin. But he doesn’t focus on that, because the grand door has opened to reveal Geralt, Yennefer and Cirilla, and for the first time since that prison cell, golden eyes meet his and the rest of the world falls away.

Geralt seems no better than him, rooted to the spot right there, only his eyes are allowed to wander. The catch Jaskier’s hands, burnt and scarred and bloodied and scalding as they are. A frown appears between those brows and finally Geralt moves. But not away from him like Jaskier feared he would. Not to Cirilla and Yennefer, not to his brothers, no. Geralt’s eyes stay on Jaskier’s hands as he approaches, and still it is too intense for him to watch, so Jaskier swallows and looks away, words already on the tip of his tongue to distract Geralt. To stop him from frowning, from worrying, from coming ever closer because once he is here, once he is close enough, once he sees what’s there to be seen in the way Jaskier sways into him, there’s no turning back.

And for years, all they have both managed to do is to turn back, away from each other, and get caught in miscommunication and misunderstandings. But still Jaskier loves him. Still Jaskier sways, longs, aches. Still he cannot hold his eyes without revealing an unspeakable truth.

“Jaskier,” Geralt breathes when he is close enough, and he reaches for his wrists in a hold so tender that it might just be what breaks him.

He chokes on his breath, looks down to the ground and hopes to evade the truth for just a while longer.

“You’re hurt. I’m… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Jaskier chokes, and he wants to free his hands from Geralt’s hold, but the witcher doesn’t let him. He never really tried anyway, only sways forward before he can stop himself. “Don’t apologise.”

Geralt shakes his head, still frowning down at where he’s starting to rub circles into Jaskier’s wrists. “I should have noticed. I should have asked. It’s my fault you’re hurt, Jaskier, and—“

“Bullshit,” he says, but it doesn’t come with as much vigour as he would like. Instead there’s only pain, only badly concealed honesty and affection. “It’s not your fault, Geralt. Not everything bad ever is your fault, and it’s about time you get that into this thick skull of yours.”

“Jask. You’re hurt because of me.”

He huffs, and finally dares to meet Geralt’s eyes because maybe the witcher needs this as much as he does. “No. I know you would love for that to be true, because it’s easier to just blame yourself than to try and understand that people out there are ready and willing to love you and to keep loving you, and to take that love to very dangerous places. It’s always easier to be blamed than to be loved and be fought for, but this? This is not on you. This isn’t on me either, nor is it on your darling child. The only one at fault for this is the fucker who burnt my hands, Geralt, and nobody else.”

He’s shaking, and Geralt’s grip on his wrist tightens just a fraction, but it’s getting harder and harder to breathe, especially if Geralt plans to keep looking at him like this.

“You don’t get to blame yourself for this, you hear me? You don’t. I wont let you.”

He’s crying now, tears running down his face but he doesn’t wipe them away, doesn’t try to free himself from Geralt’s hold again because he’s afraid that in a heartbeat, he’s going to lose it anyway. And he’d rather exist in this moment for just a heartbeat longer, bruised hands held with such care that feels foreign now.

“I know I was a burden to you, and I am deeply sorry for that, I know I should have listened to you more. But that’s in the past and we can’t change that, so let me have this, yeah? Let me choose you, let me keep choosing you because it might just be the only thing I have left to do.”

His voice breaks then, caught on a choked sob, but that is just as well because it has served him well and revealed his soul to the one person who will refuse to take it. His voice is lost and so is his heart, and both of them to Geralt. All he has left to do is close his eyes and wait for those warm hands to leave his life once more.

But that’s not what happens.

Instead of dropping his wrists and with them his fragile composure, Geralt lifts them slowly, gently, as though he’s worried he might hurt him. He lifts them and brushes a lingering kiss to the inside, and Jaskier’s world starts spinning, tethered only by Geralt’s lips on his skin.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers then, and his voice is no better off than Jaskier’s. “I’m sorry it took me so long to choose you, too. Jask, I—“

Whatever he wanted to say gets lost because Jaskier sways into the gentle touch and the gentler words of desperation and hope and honesty. He sways and falls, falls for Geralt again like he has so many times already, but this time he’s caught by strong arms and the sound of a choked off laugh, lost somewhere between relief and disbelief. This time when he falls, Geralt catches him. And he catches Geralt in turn, and they let the weight of the world fall of their shoulders and replace it with a lover’s touch.

~

tagging: @horsedadgeralt @luteandsword @wherethewordsare @natilieal

[subskz]

LATE CHANNIE DAY ASK incredibly soft bc.................... uhm.... this is nonayobtac btw

the feelings I have for this man are unreal..... PLEASE BE MY GF CHANNIE PLSSSSS I AM HNNGGGHGHH I WONT U <3

but yes oh to spoil channie rotten during channie day, even though he protests and wants to take care of you aswell you shush him w a gentle smile and lay him down on his bed heehee

caressing his body slowly, running your hands over his thighs up to his hips, gently rubbing his hips a little, under his shirt and up his cutie tummy and up to his boobs where you gently press your fingers into his nipples, growing hard underneath your cold fingertips, lifting his shirt all the way when you reach his clavicle (?) and gesturing for him to take it off completely🥰🥰 he does so kinda eagerly heehee, then realizes and shyly starts wrapping his arms around his body trying to hide it from your view

you just gently press kisses to his arms while rubbing his hips, hoping to make him feel comfortable and safe (😏) enough to willingly show off his body to you heehee but until then you lean up and now you're pressing kisses on his shoulder, up his neck and jaw until reaching his face, and when he relaxes his scrunched up nose and face and carefully opens his eyes then you drop a few compliments in between each kiss on his face (avoiding his lips for now🤭) and channie really has to fight back tears and he really wants to protest but he can't seem to get a word out, feeling so loved and seen when you name specific things you know about him and he unwraps his arms from his body and around you😭😭🫂🫂🫂 stopping your kissing for a second and just holding him with more reassuring words that you're being serious and that you wish he could see himself through your eyes

he lets himself cry into your shoulder while you gently pat his hair, or lift away from him a little to wipe his tears wordlessly as he sniffles and sobs letting it all go🫂 (poor baby oof I adore him so much)

after he calms down he shyly apologizes and you obvs reassure him that there is no reason to!!! after a little check in if he still wants to keep going yes averts his eyes a little before nodding🤭 baby wants you to be closer than ever🥰

and whatever you do afterwards, grinding on him, sucking the SOUL out of his dick etc etc he always needs to hold you somehow, rubbing your thighs and hips or holding your hand while you go down on him... baby just needs to feel you somehow😭😭

oof I'm feeling soft for him wtf..... also thinking abt massaging his dick, squirting mf lube into your hands and using the mf twister combo on him DOUBLE HOMICIDE ownrlen and like bringing him so close to cumming and then taking a little break before using a different technique like rubbing your palm around the head of his dick or tightening your grip w every inch of getting closer to the head of his dick etc etc

making him cum so many times until he's totally fucked out and face is so incredibly flushed and he's so sweaty and littol heartie hearts form in his eyes and he's so desperate to cum more for you (ever the people pleaser huh) and HBNNNGGGNG CHANNIE MY CUMTOY🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

man..... okay ENOUGH before I get mean againq dlenrlwlrm

CHANNIE DAY 😭💗 i cant believe we’ve been stuck in a timeloop since oct 3rd and it’s actually still channie day and i’m not at all a month late to answering this beautifully detailed heart-melting ask <3

a day where you have the perfect excuse to spoil and pamper channie to your heart’s content without him being able to whine and beg for you to let him do smth in return 🥰 him taking off his shirt immediately when you order him to but then crossing his arms over his chest when he sees the way you’re staring and the embarrassment sets in…the most channie thing on earth 😭 so eager to please you but still so shy

sweet baby squirming and squeezing his thighs together as you kiss every inch of his body…giggling awkwardly when you murmur praises bc he knows you won’t allow him to deny them <3 the feelings of your mouth all over him as you rub his hips makes him so dizzy he lets his guard down a bit, and when you whisper to him that his arms are so nice but you wanna see what’s behind them too he lets them fall and uncovers himself so you can kiss and suck on his tummy n chest 🥰

crying bc he feels so overwhelmed w love and doesn’t know how to handle it…i’m absolutely inconsolable over this ㅠㅠ once the tears start flowing he can’t stop n it’s almost cathartic to sob so freely into your arms like that…n of course once he’s calmed down a bit you might as well make him feel better by drowning him in pleasure!! turning those cute sniffles into moans and making him cum over and over until he’s too blissed out to think anymore <3

[phantoms-world-and-more]

Has any one thought that since maddie from danny phantom and Vicky from fairly odd parents look similar do you think they could be aunt and neice.

Like since maddie and her sister have opposite personalities and Vickys mom did something horrible causing a strained relationship, and maddie she dosent what to stress her kids so she dosent mention it.

Then danny gets outed as a halfa and the news reaches vickies mom and her imidiate though is to gain social standing, like, 'oh your nephew got into harverd well thats great dear and oh did i tell yoi about me nephew danny he saved the world on the news, he's 14'

And so she tries to get into contact with maddie and says that the knowlege of her neice and nephew made her want to reconnect.

And maddie like the good mother she is accepts and tells her kids, which jazz and danny point out its weird how she chose it RIGHT after he saved the world, and maddie still knowing who her sister is but hopes shes changes tells them, people can change amd even if she is we dont need to go back there why not give her a chance.

And so the fentons go to Dimmsdale to meet them, it didnt go well but they still give them a chance.

And then Vickie talks about how shes a babysitter and how while their parents are busy she can take danny and jazz to meet the kid she babysits. The fentons not seeing anything wrong with this agrees.

Now on timmys side Vickie just asked his parents if they would mind if the brought her estranged cousins over while they were gone.

They agreed.

Now Timmys having a heart attack because 1 vicky was evil enough now he'd have 3.

And is absolutely terrified of when they'll arive bacause he thinks its his death, and tries to escape, but vicky catches him and tells him that because her estranged family has very good social standing and lots of money, she has to make a good impression and is going to use him to do it.

When the door bell rings and he knows its her cousins behind the door hes terrified again so when vicky opens the door to show an 17 year old red head and an 14 year old black haired kid he tries to run.

Then vickie introduses then and he finds out their names and jazz and danny.

Vicky ends off going somewhere with jazz just leaving timmy and danny.

In the next couple of hours timmy is getting more and more shocked that not only is vickys cousin ,danny, decent he's actualy the nicest person he's  ever met and then they just go off in the neighbourhood pulling pranks on people and timmys having the time of his life with danny.

And maybe he lets slip how babysitting usualy goes with vicky and danny rightfuly freaks out, amazing timmy about how kind danny is.

Its later that day when the fentons and vickys family plan to have lunch and danny invites timmy over saying they wont mind.

And when timmy gets their he's greeted by a doting and kind jazz who he is amazed by.

Meets a goofy jack asking him of he wants fudge and just being a good dad to timmy

And an protective and affectionate naddie who also dotes on him.

It was that day that timmy finaly realised what having a family was really nice. Not just a normal family, timmy is under no illusion that the fentons are normal but it continuesly amazed how none of them seem to care and genuinely love eachother.

I just think the idea that timmy sees and experiences not only a weird family but a very loving one too, and internationally freaking out because these wonderful people are related to VICKY.no wonder their estranged.

He wonders if the fentons were put on this earth to cancel out the evil of vicky with the goodness of danny.

The more time he spends with danny solidifies that in his mind.