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platypanthewriter · 4 years ago

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First Kiss (In the Time Of COVID)

Harringrove April prompt 01 (because I missed it the first time): First Kiss! Second to last! Almost there! Steve gets touch-hungry enough to consider the ridiculous health-organization suggestions about gloryholes, and has sex and then a whole relationship with a man he meets at a bar...before he ever gets to kiss him.

Steve was only at the bar because it was right next to the dry-cleaners with no public bathrooms, but he couldn’t help staring at the New York City Department Of Health Safer Sex Guidelines, posted right on the wall between the sinks as he washed his hands.

Gloryholes were recommended, it said. Somebody had highlighted it, and somebody else had smacked a big lipsticked kiss on it, which was definitely not within sanitary guidelines. Steve stood there like a post, thinking about a hot mouth around his dick, instead of going home to his cold, gray apartment, and yelling weird greetings every morning at his neighbors between balconies, stuff like “You hallucinating yet? I hear people have been hallucinating!” and “How’re you enjoying solitary?!”

He thought about being touched by another human being.

He hadn’t really noticed the hole in the wall before, other than kind of wondering why, like, why not make out in the car, even—but COVID changed things. He bit his lips together, and eased back around to look in the stall again. It wasn’t that bad, even if the people doing graffiti couldn’t spell. It was tidy, and there was plenty of toilet paper, so at least the staff were in here regularly, he thought. The floor wasn’t sticky, or anything. He leaned to look through the hole, and saw a flash of pink skin, as he heard a scrambling in the next stall.

After a second, the person knocked on the stall wall. “You stick your cock through there and I’ll suck it,” he said, his voice a little wobbly, like he knew exactly how bizarre this was, and he was trying not to laugh.

Steve bit back a laugh of his own, snorting into his hand. “Jesus, I’m not even drunk,” he told the voice, who laughed outright.

“It’s my fucking lunch hour. You gonna feed me?”

Steve raised his eyebrows, patting the condom he always, optimistically, carried in his back pocket. “Now I kinda don’t want to,” he said, and the other guy laughed harder. “Okay,” Steve said, steeling himself. “I’m going for it. Gonna put my cock in this creepy hole. Don’t bite it off.” He heard a snort as he checked the expiration date on the condom—he hadn’t had sex in eons, it felt like, and he half-expected to see it had expired in 1492—but it wasn’t even gonna expire soon, so he took it as a positive omen.

“The hell are you doing, hurry up,” said the other man, shuffling his feet, and Steve rolled his eyes, and the condom onto his dick.

“Sure hope nothing over there’s hungry,” he muttered, taking a deep breath before he stuck his dick in the hole in a bathroom stall, stone cold sober, before noon. “Hungry for a dick meal. Ready to bite.”

“I might,” the other guy breathed, laughing, but Steve could feel him brush his lips along the side. “Mmm, polyisoprene,” he mumbled.

“Suck enough dick you recognize condoms?” Steve asked, snorting a laugh, and felt him laugh along.

“You want an expert, don’cha,” he shot back, taking Steve’s cock on his tongue, and Steve groaned, his body thudding hard against the wall. It creaked, loud, and the guy pulled off again, laughing.

“I do,” Steve told him. “I do, I do, I want an expert, come back, dick-monster.”

“I’m not gonna bite off your dick,” said the guy, snickering again.

“I don’t even care,” Steve said honestly, “—just lemme come first, jesus—”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, slipping Steve’s cock between his lips again, and in, deep down his throat where his muscles clenched around it. Steve could hear him choking with gusto, and he just leaned against the wall, feeling the first human touch he’d had in months.

He’d given the pizza guy a tip, ages ago, it seemed like, and the guy’s hand had brushed his, and they’d both stood there, staring at their hands, like maybe Steve oughtta propose marriage, and the guy like maybe he was gonna accept. They’d said goodbye awkwardly, whipping the hand sanitizer out of their pockets as they turned away, and now Steve couldn’t order pizza without his neck feeling warm.

The guy eating his dick for lunch was so much better, and Steve longed to touch him, and tip him back in a pile of pillows in the warm afternoon sun. Take the man back to his bed, bury his hands in warm hair—pull him up the bed and kiss him, maybe—feel the weight of another person on his body. He clenched his hands on the top of the stall wall, grunting as the hot tongue stroked the bottom of his dick, and the tip pushed against the spongy back of the guy’s throat.

Steve wasn’t good at talking, really, particularly not when all his attention was on his dick, but he couldn’t grab the man, so he tried. “God, you’re good at this,” he whispered, his mouth fumbling the words a little, but he thought the idea came through. “Jesus, you’re amazing. Christ. God, your mouth. I bet you’re beautiful, holy shit,” he rambled. “Even if you’re not beautiful, you’re beautiful, holy crap, I wanna kiss you.”

The guy pulled back a couple times, then all the way off, coughing and trying to breathe. “Sorry,” he gasped, clearing his throat. “Sorry—”

“Take your time, buddy,” Steve told him, feeling like his whole body was a bomb on a timer ticking down, but also like he wanted to draw it out, maybe, a little. “Shit,” he panted, mumbling like a moron, now he’d started. “You’re the best dick-eating monster ever, you’re like, better than the ones on Sesame Street,” he told the dude, sincerely, and heard him burst out laughing again.

“You want a blow job or what,” he gasped, sounding like he was crying. “Stop making me laugh, christ. There aren’t dick-eating monsters on Sesame Street.”

“...oh, yeah, that makes sense,” Steve realized breathlessly, nodding. The stall wall was cool against his sweaty skin. “You’re smart, huh.”

“Jesus,” the guy breathed, and then Steve felt his mouth again, and his hips spasmed against the glory hole. He made a guttural noise as he came, intending half a warning, half a compliment, but the guy just waited as he went still, and then pulled back, panting.

“Fuck,” Steve whispered, coming down, his heart pounding half out of his chest. “God, that was good.”

“I am an expert,” the dude said—hoarsely, probably because he’d let Steve fuck his throat for minutes on end.

“Yeah, you are,” Steve agreed, sitting down on the toilet edge. “Damn. Gimme a sec—wait, you got another condom? I only had one.”

“...it’s fine,” the guy laughed. “I’m a dick monster, remember, s’enough for me.”

“Next time,” Steve said, impulsively, and heard a thump on the other side of the wall.

“...you, uh,” the guy said, and trailed off, as Steve checked his phone, and grimaced.

“I gotta go,” he said, over the guy asking something kinda quietly on the other side. “Wait, what?”

“Nothing, go ahead,” he laughed, and Steve frowned at the wall.

“...I have this Zoom meeting,” he said, grimacing.

“Same bat-time, same bat-channel?” the guy asked, and Steve laughed.

“This your usual break?”

“Yeah. I’ll have you for lunch anytime,” the guys said, and Steve sighed, flattening his hand against the wall, and wishing he could touch.

“Jesus, what’d I do right to get a day like today,” he said, and the dick-monster snickered.

“Better run, dude.”

“Yes, thanks,” Steve told him, yanking his zipper shut, and his mask back over his ears. “Thanks, man, I haven’t touched anybody in like. A year. You’re a goddamn saint.”

“Saint monster,” he said, as Steve left.

Steve had to pick up his dry-cleaning two days later, and it occurred to him he really should’ve gotten the guy’s number, or at least asked what days he had off. He slid into the bathroom, touched his back pocket again, and felt the two condoms. He cleared his throat, grimacing, because it seemed creepy as hell to drop and stare through the glory hole.

After a couple minutes, he heard the door open and a flurry of footsteps, and then a thud at the stall wall as he dropped to his knees. “I’m here,” his benefactor said, breathless.

“Okay,” Steve said, pulling a condom out, and trying to find the spot to tear it open.

“Don’t sound all fucking excited to see me,” the guy said, his voice flat, suddenly. “I know I’m just some—”

“No, no, hey,” Steve said, addressing the knees he could see under the wall of the stall. “I was trying to get the damn condom open. Your turn, right?”

“...you wanna suck me off?” the guy asked, slowly. “You don’t gotta. I’m an absolute whore for praise, seriously, just keep telling me how good I’m doing—”

“...I mean, I can do that,” Steve said, wishing he could see the dude’s face, instead of trying to gauge the meaning of every pause in his sentences. “But I can suck you off, first.”

“...what a gentleman,” he said, laughing, and then Steve heard him unzip.

The sight of someone else’s skin, even through a glory hole, made Steve’s mouth water like he was a gotdamn cannibalistic psychopath. He wished desperately that he could just touch, without the plastic barrier. He pinched the end of the condom and held it against the end of the guy’s already-hard cock, pushing the ring up and over hot skin, and he knelt to try and breathe in the smell of another human.

The guy smelled a little sweaty, and a bit like soap, and Steve’s hands actually shook as he resisted reaching through and scratching his nails through the bed of curls around the base of the cock in his hands. Even through plastic, the dude’s dick was satisfyingly heavy, warm, and alive, and he kissed it as soon as he’d gotten enough of the condom on. The guy grunted, thumping against the creaky stall wall like Steve had done, and they both laughed.

“You know the best part of bathroom sex,” the guy panted, the tip of the condom already filling as he leaked, “—it’s the acoustics, right, I sound like a whole-ass porno in here.”

“That’s not the best part,” Steve told him, swallowing, and then swallowing again, because he didn’t know touching someone, even through plastic, could make him want to crawl under the wall of a bathroom stall if it meant he could touch them more. He never thought he’d be so happy to see a dick. “God, you feel good.”

“...I am good,” the guy whispered, barely audible in the weird, loud bathroom acoustics with the fan going, and Steve laughed, kissing his cock again. It jerked in his hand.

“You are good,” he breathed against it, and the dude bit back a groan. “You’re perfect,” Steve said, following a hunch, and felt the guy thump his hips against the wall between them again.

Steve grinned, bending down to swirl his tongue around the tip, and he saw the dude’s hands grip the upper edge of the stall, his knuckles whitening. The little hexagonal tiles dug into Steve’s knees, a bit, but he didn’t mind. He felt himself getting hard, and unzipped his pants, absently freeing his dick with a sigh of relief.

Steve had always liked sucking cock. He’d wondered whether it would be any fun, though, without the feeling of hips under his hands, or fingers in his hair—but he could see the guy’s shoes shifting, and feel the soft thumps against the stall as he forgot everything except Steve’s mouth around him. Steve could look up and see his grip straining on the stall wall, and smell him, the laundry and sweat and cologne smell of him—and hear him, louder than Steve, grunting streams of “Fuck, fuck, jesus, fuck,” and “God, don’t slow down, you asshole,” and “Oh shit, do that again, please, please, please…” trailing off into begging, panting gibberish.

When he came, he staggered back and thudded down onto the toilet seat with a clatter. “Just—just gimme a minute,” he panted, as Steve grabbed toilet paper, and wiped the spit off his face and chin.

“Take your time,” he said, and the toilet seat squeaked as the guy cleared his throat.

“Yeah, yeah, shit, sorry, fuck. Lemme just get down there, asshole—”

“No, I mean it,” Steve said, sitting down himself, and giving his dick a squeeze. He let his eyes fall shut at the relief. “Take as long as you want, I don’t have a meeting or anything.”

“...shit,” the guy breathed. “Yeah.”

“...wanna give me your number?” Steve asked, trying to distract himself from the thought of the dude’s mouth, of pushing into the heat of another human being.

“Shit, yes,” the guy blurted. “Yeah, yes, please.” He recited it, and Steve put it in his phone, taking care his extreme horniness didn’t make his hand shake and drop his phone in the toilet.

“I’m saving you as ‘beautiful dick guy’,” he said, and Beautiful Dick Guy laughed.

“Text me, so I know you’ve got it,” he said, and Steve did, before tucking his phone safely away.

“What are you saving me as?” Steve asked. “Best blowjob ever? Nice Mouth Dude?”

“Surprised you didn’t save me as ‘Dick Monster’,” the guy muttered, and Steve snorted a laugh, as he slid the other condom on.

“Well, you haven’t bitten it off yet.”

“I’m not gonna bite it off!” he laughed.

“You might,” Steve told him, patting the wall, because he wanted to touch something. “I mean—”

“Get your cock in my mouth, jesus,” the dude said, and Steve stood, and pressed his cock through the glory hole to the guy’s lips with a grunt of relief.

“Jesus,” he whispered. “Thank you, god. Thank you.”

Beautiful Dick Guy pulled off, and Steve bit back a groan of protest. “Stop making it sound like I’m donating to charity,” he growled, before sinking Steve’s cock between his lips again, and swallowing around it.

“Dunno what you wanna hear,” Steve muttered. “God, you’re good at this.” The mouth around his dick hummed approvingly, and Steve nearly came at the vibration, moaning. “You’re perfect, you’re amazing,” he mumbled, on autopilot. “Jesus, you’re a fucking gift, you’re the best thing that ever happened to my cock, I swear, you’re a goddamn miracle, you’re a natural disater on my dick—”

The dude started laughing again, choking and coughing, and Steve grabbed the top of the stall, wishing it wouldn’t be weird and unsafe to just climb on the toilet and lean over to kiss him like the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet—or better yet, open the door and walk into the other stall, and dip him like the end of a tango. Steve mumbled some version of all that, and the guy cackled harder. “Sorry,” he wheezed. “Sorry, sorry.”

“No hurry, man,” Steve told him, taking a deep breath. “Can’t...rush art, right.”

“Jesus,” the dude snorted, coughing again, and Steve cocked his head, trying to think around all the blood pounding in his dick.

“...other people must tell you you’re good at this,” he said, “—like, all the time,” and everything was quiet for a long second.

“...yeah,” the guy finally said, sounding a little bitter. “Everybody’s super polite and respectful, when you suck them off in a toilet.”

“Oh,” Steve said, grimacing, and squirming, a little, at the memory of how the dude’s voice felt against his dick. “Well. Um. Would it be weird if I texted you? Like. I can’t ask you out.”

“...you wanna ask me out?” the guy asked, laughing.

“I can’t, there’s—there’s nowhere we can go,” Steve said, wondering whether it’d be rude to pull his cock back through, and jerk off, if it was just gonna sit there untouched. “We could, um, we could like...wave at each other in the park, but it’s cold.”

“You’d date me?” came his voice again. “You haven’t even asked my name yet.”

“Steve,” Steve said quickly. “And you are?”

“...Billy,” Billy said, and just as Steve was distracted, thinking about what kinda shitheel would fuck a guy’s mouth and not ask his name, the heat of Billy’s mouth sank over his cock again, and Steve just tried to keep his mouth moving, mumbling how fantastic Billy had to be.

Billy left first, while Steve took stock of the brain cells he’d lost through his dick. Thanks so much, he texted. Sorry I can’t kiss you.

what, arrived back, almost instantly.

I mean, Steve sent, and then stared at the screen, trying to figure out what he meant. I love listening to you laugh

I want to kiss your face while you laugh

wrap around you when you shiver

leave hickies all over your body

hold you when you’re all fucked out

wake you up with my mouth on your cock

my hands holding your thighs

dont do this to me at work, Billy sent back, and Steve hunched his shoulders, grimacing, but then his phone buzzed again. i’ll die i’m fucking dying holy shit god yes kiss me hold me down

I can come back next week, Steve sent, grinning.

fuck you, Billy sent back. you know how many actual hours that is

why you gonna make me wait that long

asshole

Steve laughed, grinning at his screen.

When he left, he took a long look at the bar, and a dude with light brown curls, thick, dark brows, and amazing gray-blue eyes watched him. It was hard to tell his expression through the mask, but Steve was pretty sure it was a grin.

later, beautiful cock monster, he sent, and he heard the familiar snorted laugh.

fuck you, his phone told him.

The next morning, he sent g’morning, beautiful, and hope you’re having a lunch as amazing as you are, and kiss emoticons, and Billy sent back eggplants and staring eyes and suggested Steve come by the bar twice a day.

He learned over the next few weeks that Billy could get nearly any conversation back around to sucking Steve’s cock, and it made it kinda...hard to talk to him, honestly, when Steve wanted to put him on speaker over lunch, or watch a movie. He had more phone sex than he’d had in ever, but Billy kinda sounded like he was taking his cues from a phone sex hotline, and that...wasn’t quite what Steve had been...longing for.

“I watched some Sesame Street clips with this kid I know on Zoom,” Steve told him. “Looked for you. You live near, like, Bert and Ernie? Is that the queer community there?”

“Were you thinking about my dick?” Billy asked, snickering, and Steve hadn’t been, really, he’d been thinking about Billy’s laugh. “My mouth misses you more, though,” Billy whispered, “—misses your heat, man, misses stretching around you—” and Steve was half-hard in his jeans, again, and too tired to do anything about it.

“I gotta go,” he sighed, and Billy was silent at the other end. It felt less like dating, and more like watching the same porn over and over.

When Billy called just as Steve was settling in with warm pajamas, popcorn, beer, and a good K-drama, about to find out who the mother-in-law’s secret son’s girlfriend actually was, Billy called, already panting. Steve couldn’t help thinking I just got you off after lunch.

“I’m kinda busy,” he said, pausing the show.

“Aren’t you off?” Billy asked, after a pause. “You’re off, right?”

“...yeah, I just have...stuff,” Steve said, grimacing.

Billy was quiet for long enough that Steve glared off into space, because his popcorn was getting cold. “...maybe in an hour?” Billy offered.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Steve said, “—or later this week.”

“...yeah, okay, you call me,” Billy said, and hung up.

Steve shook his head, sighing, and clicked his show back on, watching with big eyes as he tried to figure out the complicated relationships. He didn’t remember to text Billy that night—and he didn’t hear anything back, either, so he didn’t worry about it, too much. It was kinda nice, honestly, not getting a phone call at seven am from a guy Steve barely knew telling him what to do with his huge, meaty cock. Somehow, formulaic sex hotline talk didn’t help him feel any less lonely.

By the end of the week, he was kinda dreading calling Billy at all, so he called Robin instead.

“He’s too horny,” she said slowly. “Steve, everybody’s horny. We’ve all been in solitary for a year. I would probably eat out a fire hydrant to feel some juices on my face, okay, go easy on this guy.”

“It’s not...ugh,” Steve sighed, rubbing his face. “It’s like talking to one of those viagra emails, okay? Like, why even talk to a real person, if he’s just gonna…like, I get him off, but he won’t talk about anything else, I don’t know if he’s ever seen a movie—”

“...he’s boring, it sounds like,” she sighed. “That sucks, man.”

“He is,” Steve groaned. “I feel like I’m talking to a budget sex line operator. He cuts me off whenever I even mention work, or like, anything—”

“...sounds like he might think you’re boring too, buddy,” she said, with her trademark blend of cynical sympathy.

“Yeah,” Steve sighed.

“Better wrap it up,” she said, and he nodded, grimacing.

hey, he texted. I don’t think this is gonna work out.

Billy called an hour later, and Steve sighed, but swiped to answer, and said “Hello?”

“God,” Billy whispered. “I thought you might’ve already blocked me.”

“Haven’t yet,” Steve said, drumming his fingers on his tabletop, and waiting.

“‘Yet’. Okay,” Billy said, laughing. It sounded a little—pissed, maybe, and Steve braced himself, listening to Billy’s soft breaths. It sounded like he was walking somewhere. “Is—is there anything—any way I could get another chance,” he panted, and then it went silent, like he was holding his breath.

Why, Steve wondered, frowning. He bit his lips, thinking.

“If there’s anything you want from me, just tell me,” Billy said, sounding a little less steady. “Or shit, if—if you don’t want something, just—just tell me what you want, I don’t—”

“It’s not you, it’s m—” Steve tried, making a face, and Billy cut him off, laughing, but sniffling.

“No. No, don’t give me that, it’s definitely me, I can tell, okay. You wanted me and then talking to me was a fucking chore, what—come on,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “You said you wanted to hold me, don’t—”

I was lonely, Steve thought of saying, and winced. I can’t make myself like you.

“Don’t make me get a job on Sesame Street,” Billy said hoarsely, laughing. “I don’t think they actually have openings for Dick Monsters,” and there he was, the guy Steve had listened to giggling, the man he had liked.

He took a deep breath, thinking.

“...okay, yeah,” Billy said, clearing his throat. “Fuck,” he muttered. “Fuck.”

At least, Steve thought, feeling his face heat, he could tell Billy hadn’t been bored. “...you...wanna try again,” he said, cautiously, and Billy made a weird noise like he was slurping up nothing through a wet straw.

“Yes. Yes,” he whispered. “Yeah, is that—is that even—”

“Okay,” Steve told him, and felt indescribably guilty listening to his boyfriend burst into tears.

“Fuck, okay, tell me—tell me what you want,” he gulped. “I don’t wanna piss you off again, tell me—”

“You didn’t piss me off,” Steve told him, and Billy swallowed hard.

“Okay,” he said again. “What—why—”

“...you’re like talking to a SPAM email,” Steve finally said, brutally honest. “Like, every time I try to talk to you—”

“What?!” Billy asked, laughing, a little bitterly.

“I try to tell you what I’m having for lunch or something, and all of a sudden you’re all ‘biggest HUGE cock, daddy’,” Steve groaned. “Like...if I’m that boring, d’you even want to date me?”

“...should I just call less,” Billy asked. “I know I was calling too much, I was trying to just—just wait for you to call me, just call sometimes—”

“You’re not listening,” Steve said, sighing.

“No, I am, I swear!” Billy yelped. “I’m listening, you don’t want me trying to keep you on the line, I’ll stop. I’ll—when you’re done I’ll just hang up, I swear, I’m listening, I am—”

“I’m not...trying to get you to hang up,” Steve said slowly. “I’m—I’m just telling you stuff? I just—I’ve got a life, y’know, I thought maybe—you’d wanna know me.”

“I thought you were fucking bored,” Billy yelled, then, fuzzier, “—no, sorry, sorry—” before the phone was back to his ear. “Every time I’d get you on the phone you’re like ‘So anyway, lots to do today—’”

“Oh,” Steve said, grimacing.

“You always sounded bored. You’re always bored, with me,” Billy said, laughing. “Shit, I knew this was coming, don’t—don’t date me just because I begged, christ.”

“It’s not even really dating,” Steve sighed, wondering if he’d have noticed Billy’s tension earlier, across a table from him.

“...yeah, not—not really,” Billy agreed, then, more quietly. “We’re just talking, sometimes.”

“Want to go for a walk,” Steve asked, and Billy held his breath again, then blew it out with a soft sigh.

“...not if you’re dumping me,” he said, and Steve sat up straighter.

“No! No, just—I wanna see you. I didn’t even wanna dump you, I thought you were fucking bored, man.”

“...okay,” Billy said, sounding like he might be smiling, finally, and when Steve arrived at the park, there he was, texting.

Steve’s phone buzzed as he approached—sure enough, it was the guy he’d seen at the bar, with dark eyebrows and pretty gray-blue eyes over his mask.

dont make me wait, dickhead, it said.

“I��m here,” Steve called, and Billy looked up, and grinned with his eyes. “Shit,” Steve said, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and Billy’s smile dropped. He searched Steve’s face. “I just wanna hug you,” Steve admitted, staying six feet away. “You look cute.”

Billy laughed, his eyes crinkling, and Steve wriggled his hands in his pockets, groaning melodramatically.

“Tell me something about you,” Steve told him. “Uh, not about your cock.”

“...um,” Billy said, kicking a pinecone along the path. “Huh. I got a little sister. Max. She’s home now, but she’ll head back to college. When they reopen.”

“This is the kinda shit I should know when we’ve been dating for nearly a month, and we talk every goddamn day,” Steve growled, hunching his shoulders.

“Well, truly fucking sorry,” Billy said, glancing over. “The only part of me I knew you liked was my dick, so—”

“No, I’m not—I should’ve asked,” Steve said, swivelling, and waving his hands in the air as another horrifying thought occurred to him. “What’s your last name, Billy?!”

“Hargrove,” Billy said, grinning at him.

“Jesus,” Steve muttered, shaking his head, and walked on. He grabbed his phone, and changed his boyfriend’s contact info to include his actual name, feeling like a dipshit.

When they decided, shivering, to head home, Steve turned around to watch Billy walk away, and caught him doing the same thing.

I really like you, Steve texted. sorry you didn’t know.

Billy turned on his heel and blew Steve a kiss, and Steve jumped and pretended to catch it like a fly ball, before holding it cupped in his hands.

nerd, Billy sent.

your nerd, Steve sent back, triumphantly, with two thumbs up across the park at Billy, who started laughing so hard again he had to lean on his knees.

He found Billy Hargrove on Instagram, and Twitter, and scrolled through photos of a really unfairly hot man as he sat in his car, his eyebrows raised. There were photos of Steve’s texts, with loads of comments and hearts, and Steve found himself grimly going through posts where he’d texted and Billy’d posted the screenshot, and then video of him screaming into a pillow, or things Steve had said with two pages of comments and analysis.

‘I think you could do better than somebody who doesn’t like you very much’ caught his eye, and he bit his lips together.

Good thing it’s not up to you, Billy had replied, and Steve nodded, glaring at the username, MadMax666.

I like him a lot, Steve typed, but that didn’t seem like enough, so he deleted it. ‘I like him more than anyone else does’ was worse, and he grimaced, deleting that one. I know he’s amazing, he put, finally, and got back a Who is this?? from Billy’s logon.

The dumb boyfriend, Steve told him, and then everything exploded with heart emoticons, and Steve just called him, grinning. “Hey, Billy,” he said, and Billy laughed.

“Hey, Steve,” he said back, softly, and Steve talked him off the way they had at first, in the bathroom at Billy’s work, telling Billy he was amazing and perfect and good.

The next time Steve went by the bar, he called first, and Billy laughed breathlessly when he said he was coming by.

“Advance notice,” he said. “Almost like a date, huh?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice a little sooner,” Steve admitted, and got a short pause before a hissed “Oh my god.” Steve laughed.

“Maybe something special, then,” Billy whispered, and when Steve got there, instead of seeing Billy’s knees as he dropped to the floor instantly, Billy’s hands were curled over the wall of the stall. “...just shove on in,” he said, and Steve realized that, bizarrely, he was about to have actual penetrative sex with someone he’d never touched.

He unzipped his pants, and rolled a condom on, as Billy said “I know this isn’t what you want. From dating. I—I thought maybe—”

Steve dropped his already-dripping dick to slide his fingers over Billy’s, on the wall of the stall, and hear his voice hitch and shudder. “You’re perfect, babe. You’re enough.”

“...love you,” Billy whispered, maybe.

“What?!” Steve asked, startled, and Billy said “Nothing, nothing.”

Billy didn’t seem to know Steve had found his Twitter too, and all discussion of Steve floated over there, which would have made him feel creepy about reading it, except it was invariably something that just meant Steve needed to call and cheer him up, that he wouldn’t have known if he wasn’t eavesdropping.

What are you gonna do in that huge apartment all by yourself, somebody asked Billy, in the spring, and Steve’s heartbeat a little faster scrolling back to see Billy’s boyfriend had moved out months before, and his little sister was going back to college.

Want to move in with me? he typed, and reconsidered, staring at it instead of hitting send. He counted the months he’d known Billy on his fingers, grimacing.

Can’t pay the rent here with reduced hours, can’t get the deposit to move, popped up on Billy’s Twitter, and Steve glowered at it, then called.

“Move in with me,” he said, when Billy answered.

“...what?” Billy breathed.

“Move in with me,” Steve said again. “You’re alone, right? Come live with me.”

“...is there room?” Billy asked, sounding bewildered. “For me?”

“There’s a little room I use as my office,” Steve said, making a face. “I, uh, I kinda thought you wouldn’t be using it, though.”

“You want me to live with you?” Billy asked again, like his brain was skipping, and Steve laughed.

“Yeah, dick-monster, I do.”

“...you’ve never even seen my face,” Billy muttered, and Steve laughed.

“Is it my fault you’re so fucking tired of Zoom?”

“That doesn’t count,” Billy huffed.

“I’m vaccinated,” Steve told him. “I’ve been quarantining.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Billy said dourly. “I’m crawling out of my skin over here.”

“It’s safe as it can be. D’you want to?”

“Of course I—we’ve never even had the exclusive conversation,” Billy groaned. “Are we?!”

“COVID makes shit weird,” Steve sighed. “I figured you were it for me, yeah.”

“I have never touched your flesh,” Billy moaned, like a serial killer, and Steve snorted.

“Calm down, carnivore,” he said, “—you want help moving?”

“Yes,” Billy sighed. “Yeah. Gimme a couple days—”

“Days?!” Steve asked, startled, and Billy was quiet on the other end. “Days are fine!” Steve corrected. “Days are good!”

“Okay,” Billy said, laughing softly. “Days.”

As soon as the furniture and boxes were piled in Steve’s front room, he sidled over to Billy, who was leaning against the counter panting, his eyes closed. Billy’s jacket was open, from the heat of hauling boxes up the stairs, and Steve ran his fingers down Billy’s neck, and then yanked him close into a hug, feeling the warmth and bulk of him breathing.

“Oof,” Billy whispered, but he relaxed into it with a sigh, leaning his whole weight against Steve.

Steve breathed him in, realizing he felt weak, a little, with the need to squeeze Billy as hard as he could. “Hi,” he whispered.

“Mmmn,” he said, contentedly.

Steve hauled him back to the bed, stripping him down on the way. He wouldn’t quit squirming, and Steve rubbed stubble all over his neck, making him yell. They nearly tripped, because neither of them wanted to pull back enough to look down, but they made it to Steve’s bed. Steve pushed him back, and then crouched over him.

Steve unhooked the mask from his own ears, and ran his fingers up Billy’s arm to his head to untie his. “Feel like I’m lifting your veil,” Steve told him.

Billy kept his eyes shut, smiling as Steve lifted his mask. He was pretty, prettier than his pictures, square-jawed and mustached, and Steve ran his fingers over his boyfriend’s cheek for the first time, just exploring. He tweaked the one dangling earring, and brushed his thumb over Billy’s lips, and Billy bit back a moan, turning his head in Steve’s hands to kiss his fingers.

“...y’know I’m never gonna stop touching you,” Steve whispered, and Billy laughed, his long lashes brushing his freckled cheeks. “...you’re perfect.”

“Mmmn,” Billy said, raising his eyebrows doubtfully.

“You’d be perfect if you had a smashed nose like a cauliflower, and nine-hundred eyes like a fly,” Steve told him, honestly, and Billy burst out laughing.

“Not much of a compliment, then,” he pointed out, opening his eyes and grinning at Steve, and Steve couldn’t help touching his grin, feeling where his cheeks bunched as he smiled.

It felt so good to touch someone.

“...god,” he whispered, leaning in to brush his lips over Billy��s smile. "May I kiss the bride?"

Billy laughed against his lips, hot and human.

My other Harringrove April prompts are here!

#Harringrove #Harringrove April #Whoops I'm a month late #Touch-starved #Long-distance relationship #Because of social distancing #Getting together

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shenanigans-and-imagines · 4 years ago

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NSFW Alphabet: Crosshair

A/N: Not officially a request, but I thought I’d better cover the whole Bad Batch while I’m at it. And as a reminder, remember to REBLOG AND COMMENT IF YOU LIKE THIS!!! The tumblr tags are fickle at best and it’s the only real way to support creators on this hellsite.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He’s always stuck between wanting to keep your body against him, but at the same time not wanting to come across as needy. He’ll probably start kissing your shoulders and neck, before nipping at the skin and telling you to go take a shower. Once you do, he’ll try to play it cool like, “you can stick around if you want, not that I care either way”. But, he does. He does care.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He likes your waist. Odd, but true. It’s the natural place to put his hands when he pulls you close to him. He likes the way you shiver when he runs his fingers along your skin. Not to mention it’s the perfect place to grip you as his fucks you senseless.

For himself, he likes his legs. Yeah, they’re not as thick or muscular compared to regs, but they’re distinctly his. Plus even if he’s not any taller, it helps with the illusion that he is.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

His favorite place to cum is all over your chest and stomach. Seeing you a sweating, blissed out mess with his cum sticking to your skin is the single hottest image his mind can come up with. Second only to you hazily swiping his cum onto you finger and sucking with a moan.

You better be prepared if you do that because you won’t be able to walk the next day.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He has an impressive collection of dirty holos you’ve sent to him while away on missions. He’s kept every single one. It’s gotten to the point where he just picks a random holo and that’s the fantasy he indulges in to get himself off until he can see you again.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Like the rest of the batch, he’s had a pretty healthy string of one night stands since leaving Kamino. He actually has the most notches on his bed post which he is not ashamed to bring up whenever Wrecker is getting just a little too cocky. So, he’s pretty experienced all things considered.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Taking you from behind and against a wall. That’s the popular image of him in the fandom and I’m ain’t here to dispute it.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Not funny, but he’s definitely a smug asshole who can’t help but comment on every sound you make.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He keeps it pretty well groomed down there, almost complete shaven. Also, dark hair down below, if you’re curious.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

It’s very rare for Crosshair to be emotional in bed. He uses sex more as a way to get rid of tension or get a solid hit of dopamine. Actually being open with someone is not something he’s comfortable with.

The most intimate he gets is when he feels he might lose you, either in the field or to another man. Then, he uses it as a way to assure himself you’re with him and his. In that case, it can get pretty intense.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He jacks off often, before and after meeting you. He’s got a higher sex drive than his brothers and needs someway to work off the tension after a mission. He prefers doing it in the shower when he has the time, but he’ll honestly whip it out anyplace where he can get some privacy for fifteen minutes.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Let it be recorded that Crosshair is not only a Dom, but the only true Dom in entire Grand Army of the Republic. (With the exception of Commander Wolffe.)

Seriously, the man likes nothing more than pinning you down and using your body as his personally fuck toy. His ultimate fantasy is keeping you tied up in various positions, your body spread open and willing for him to use whenever the mood strikes him.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere with a relatively flat surface. I cannot emphasize how much he does not care where he does it: bedroom, shower, locker room, bar bathroom, sparring room, between a couple of boulders out of view of the rest of the Bad Batch. He does not care.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

His ego...let me explain.

There are two ways to really get him going, but they both come down to how they effect his ego.

Number one, praise. If you compliment him on a shot, confirm that he did, in fact, beat Wrecker at something, or rasp a dirty promise in his ear that he’s the only man who has ever made you cum that hard; that’ll get him going more than anything.

Number two, jealously. If he sees another man actively flirting with you, he’ll all but sling you over his shoulder and carry you to the closest abandoned alley he can find to fuck you senseless. He doesn’t care if you were interested in the guy flirting with you or not, you’re his and he needs to remind himself and you of that.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Humiliation for him is a no go. There’s the more obvious stuff, like the idea of you putting him on a leash or something equally degrading just gets him frustrated, and not in a sexy way. But, more specifically verbal humiliation. He genuinely gets upset if you’re the one to say he’s not good enough for you in some capacity or compare him negatively to somebody else. That’ll kill the mood in seconds.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Much prefers receiving to giving. Seeing you on your knees with his cock in your mouth his heaven. And being able to cum all over your face and chest when he’s done? He’s in heaven.

That being said, he’s not bad at giving, he just ends up mostly using his fingers while he runs his mouth. He can’t help it.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Fast and rough, like all the time. He basically has no other mode. Now, whether it’s more intense with pent up emotions or a fun stress reliever depends on his mood. Either way, if you’re not a sweating, panting mess by the end of it he feels like he’s failed in some way.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Yes. He’s going to say yes to quickies. Where ever and whenever is good for him. But, don’t think it’s really over when it’s over. He only considers it a preview of what he’s going to do to you once you actually get some time and a little more privacy.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He’s certainly willing to try different positions and kinks, but he’s not big on getting more toys in the mix. He’s more than happy to tie you up and spank you, but he’s not so keen on adding a paddle or something like that, if that makes any kind of sense. It’s about his body and what he can do to you.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Just as good as every other clone, with a fantastic recovery time. A solid average of three rounds per night lasting as long as either of you can stand it.

That all being said, he’s in constant competition with himself on how long he can last and for how many rounds.

Current record for time is two hours before he came once with you cumming a total of five times. Current round total is him cumming five times in one night while you lost count of yours.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Surprisingly not his thing. He’s got some cuffs he uses on occasion with you, but not much else. Like I said, he’s in competition with himself, not him and a toy.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He doesn’t tease often, but when he does, he’s an asshole. He’ll keep you pinned down, lazily rubbing the tip of his cock against your opening, never fully going in until you’re squirming and begging him to just fuck you already. Sometimes he will and sometimes, he’ll leave you hanging there. It all depends on his mood.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Not especially. In the beginning he keeps it almost conversational, as he talks dirty into your ear. But, it all changes when he comes to the end. It’s like whatever control he had over his vocal cords gets shut off. He curses a lot combined with grunts and borederline feral growls as he rams his cock harder and deeper into you.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Crosshair has a real jealously streak, especially when it comes to regs.

While he’s confident in his abilities, he’s aware more than Wrecker or even Tech that they’re basically a bunch of freaks the Republic likes to keep under wraps. A funny little lab experiment. While regs were made just as much as he was, they actually have a chance at being...well, normal after all is said and done. He’s not sure he’ll ever be normal. So, the fear of you realizing you’re dating an actual freak of nature weighs on him constantly.

He needs to remind himself that you’re with him, that you chose him and you’re not going to walk away. It drives him crazy that you make him feel that way, but it’s the truth.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Just as long as his clone brothers (a solid 8-inches), but not as thick. Not that he need that extra edge. His talent is precision after all.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

I’d say he has the highest of the batch, actually getting agitated if he hasn’t had a good fuck in more than a few days. His hand can only do so much for him before he gets down right hostile.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

I’d say it takes him a solid half-hour to finally fall asleep after sex. He’d never tell you, but he likes the feeling of you asleep in his arms. He’ll savor it for as long as he can.

#crosshair #crosshair x reader #clone force 99 #the bad batch #star wars #the clone wars #lemon

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thebest-medicine · 4 years ago

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Distracted

Lore Olympus, Persephone / Hades, tickle fic/fluff, takes place during/directly after ep 112

A/N: I have fast pass and so I waited a million years to post this because I read ep 112 and HAD TO FCKING WRITE THIS OK impossible not to god I fucking love lore olympus AND I LOVE HOW MUCH HADES DRINKS RESPECTING WOMEN JUICE 🧃 GOD(S) DAMN. Also maybe it’s the fact that I color coded the dialogue so I had to edit this more thoroughly but this is one of my favorite things I’ve written in a long time and I just really fucking love this web comic and this pairing and this feels like it’d be on vibe and that makes me really happy ok? ok.

Summary: coda to ep 112, Persephone and Hades chat about what has happened in the past day or two and Hades comes up with a cute (i.e. ticklish) way to help distract Persephone when she is tired of feeling glum and worrying

Words: 2,495

(so... spoilers for 112, also 110 spoilers mentioned)

...

An hour ago, Hades wouldn’t have believed who was about to summon him. Had he known Persephone would have wanted his company, perhaps he’d have worn something other than sweatpants. But now, laying next to her in her own bed, he was happy to have comfortable clothes. At least something was comfortable. They needed to talk about what happened between them. He didn’t want to pressure her, she said she wasn’t feeling good, maybe it was because of him..?

“Can we.. talk about the kiss?”

“Y-Yeah...”

“Did you...not like it?”

“The kiss?”

“Yeah.”

He felt a tightness in his chest evaporate when he heard her words. “...I loved the kiss.”

Suddenly, he realized, everything was comfortable, how could it not be, around her. Hades nearly melted into the pillow. He told Persephone to tell him if she wanted him to leave, and of course he would respect her wishes, but he couldn’t think of anything more devastating than the thought of leaving where he was right now.

“Then.. why did you leave? What happened?”

“I guess I... really enjoyed the kiss and I... got.. excited...” She answered bashfully.

Relief - and he had to admit a bit of flattery too - washed over him. “Oooooh..”

“And then I.. felt scared of those feelings I was having. My body reacted in a way I didn’t expect.” She paused, turning to face him. “I’m sorry for leaving you...”

I wish you’d never leave me again. He caught himself thinking. Jesus, Hades, she’s her own person, relax. He chuckled to himself. God, she’s just so... sweet, and cute, and adorable, and gorgeous, and nice...

“And I’m sorry for being weird.”

He thought he might evaporate into an array of butterflies too when she turned herself fully toward him, letting her arm fall over his chest. When was the last time he just...cuddled?

“You’re not that weird...” Hades smiled. A black moth took shape above them in the bed. “See?”

Persephone’s smile softened the room as she giggled, bringing her fingers up to the moth where two small pink butterflies fluttered into existence next to Hades’ moth.

“Thank you.” Persephone sighed against his chest.

Hades tilted his chin towards her. “What for?”

“For coming..”

“You summoned me, to be fair.” He snorted, then taking her hand. “But you know, I’d- I’d come whenever you ask.”

Persephone gazed up at him, and he could see the smile in her eyes. “I appreciate it.. a lot. And thanks for... for listening. For staying. For being here. With me.” She wiggled closer to him, pressing herself against his side.

Hades realized he was holding his breath after she moved even closer. How could this be so- so nerve-wracking? She likes you too, you idiot, why are you so nervous? He counted to ten in his head and tried to stuff down the butterflies in his own chest, regain his composure, confidence..

“You said before that you.. didn’t feel good and were having trouble sleeping. Do you... want to talk about what else is bothering you?” Hades offered.

Persephone shrunk in on herself a bit, holding him tighter. “Not- not really.”

Hades couldn’t stop his face from falling a bit. He pulled her close. “That’s alright. If you ever do... I’m here to listen, Kore.”

An idea popped into his head. “If you don’t want to talk about it.. Would you rather be... distracted? Comforted? Held? Or... Want me to just shut up?” He grinned at her. “What do you need?” He squeezed her hand tighter.

“Um..” Persephone thought aloud. “Hmm.. actually.. Distracted...sounds pretty good! I’m not exactly sleepy.” She stifled a yawn into her palm.

“I actually have something in mind that might help you with that.” Hades smirked at her.

Persephone’s eyes widened a little at him. “Um-” She hesitated.

“Oh not- not like-”Hades smacked his own forehead, a blue blush rising to his cheeks. “I’m not- that’s not what I meant! I swear I’m trying to bring my scoundrel level down!” He laughed. “What am I at now by the way?”

“Hmm, well I would have said maybe...15%, but- but that number depends on whatever you say next!” Persephone raised an eyebrow at him.

“15%? Nice, I’ve gone down!” Hades grinned joyfully. “My number might go up after this but..... only a little bit.” He paused sheepishly. “I hope!”

Persephone propped herself onto her elbows on his chest. “Well, now I’m curious, what’s your big idea?”

“I just want to ask you a question.” Hades started, shrugging innocently. “I think it’ll be pretty distracting.”

“... Okay.” Persephone agreed.

“Are you ticklish?” Hades couldn’t keep the smirk out of his voice.

Persephone stiffened up in his arms. “N-” She started to make a noise but stopped when he looked down at her.

She was blushing even more pink than usual, a goofy, nervous smile on her face. “I- I-” She couldn’t make eye contact with him

She had been in many a tickle fight with the flower nymphs she played with back home in the mortal realm. Was there any answer, though, that wouldn’t end with the same result? He’s gonna test it out...

She felt him slowly shifting himself into a better position to do just that, one of his hands was crawling slowly toward her side.

When words finally came to her, just as Hades was about to find out regardless of what she said, all she answered was, “Are you?”

She always fucking surprises me. Hades thought to himself as a blush grew on his cheeks. How does she do that? I was in control a second ago, wasn’t I? He chuckled. “Well, I’m.. not, I- I don’t think..” That definitely didn’t sound convincing.

“!! YOU DON’T THINK?” Persephone practically shouted, a bright smile on her face as she stared at him with giddy disbelief. “YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW?” She was almost embarrassed by how excited she knew she sounded.

Hades rolled his eyes. “I mean... who exactly do you think is going to be tickling the King of the Underworld?” Hades laughed at the thought.

“ME!” Persephone couldn’t help herself.

Hades could think of a few times as a child that he’d been tickled by Rhea or the other gods because of how serious he always was, and they figured somebody needed to put a smile on his face, right? Maybe a handful of teasing pokes from Hera or an accidental brush or two of fingers from Minthe that surprised him by how sensitive it was, but none of that was ANYTHING like what Persephone’s fingers were doing to his side.

She was leaning over him, five fingers digging into each side of him, her thumbs pressing between the muscles on the sides of his abdomen while her fingers squeezed around the back of his sides sporadically. She wiggled her fingers up toward his ribs and used her nails to dig in a bit between the bones.

Hades already had a hard time keeping any kind of guard up with her, so it was only a matter of seconds before she had him laughing. “Ohmygods- Kore st-stahahahop!”

“YOU ARE TICKLISH!!” She nearly had stars in her eyes. He was more adorable in that moment than any of his dogs (but she would never tell them that) even Pomelia.

Hades hadn’t laughed like that in.... he didn’t know if ever. Somehow in 2 weeks, she brought out things - feelings, situations... that he never in thousands of years even dreamed of finding himself in.

“Persephoneheheehhehehehe-” Hades giggled helplessly as he squirmed on her bed. His arms wrapped around her but he didn’t actively stop her. He didn’t want to push her away, and he ESPECIALLY didn’t want to hurt her. Hades would probably rip the head off of anyone else who made him feel so... vulnerable and silly, but with Kore it felt right. Even if she might be torturing him a little bit. This kind of torture was far better than the torture he felt trying to be away from her.

“I- I can’t believe...” Persephone squealed. “You’re...You’re...so cute!!!!!” She stopped tickling him with one hand to cover her face. Both of them had fire in their cheeks.

Hades took advantage of her slowing down her tickle attack and grabbed her tickling hand, interlacing his fingers with hers. “Okay, okay- Stahahop- I- nobody has ever- I’ve never been tickled like that-” Hades calmed himself through his residual giggles as he pulled the Goddess of Spring against his chest, wrapping his other arm around her.

“Hehehehehe.” Persephone snickered, twirling her free hand’s fingers against his neck and under his chin. He flinched away. “You’re ticklish.”

“You’re lucky.”

“You’re ticklish.”

“Anyone else who tried that would be dead.”

“And you’re ticklish.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re very ticklish.”

Hades rolled his eyes. “Okay fine... maybe.”

“Where else are you ticklish? Your feet? Your knees? I didn’t even get to try under your arms...” Persephone noted.

“I don’t like where this is going...” Or maybe I do? Hades laughed hesitantly. “Anyway... weren’t we- weren’t we supposed to be talking about where you are ticklish?”

Persephone, a sudden bolt of confidence shooting through her, declared. “I’m not. I never said I was.”

Hades, almost disappointed for a moment, narrowed his eyes at her. “I don’t buy that shit for a second.”

Persephone’s confident smile faltered.

“So let’s just see about that!” Hades continued, suddenly using the hand that was already holding hers to try to also grab her other wrist. She squirmed enough that he could only keep her one arm pinned, so he just started anyway. His free hand, instead of holding her to his chest, started pinching just above her hip on her side. “Are you ticklish here?”

“Nohohohoho-” Persephone cackled.

“No? You sound kinda ticklish..”

“I’M NAHAHAHHA-NOT!” Persephone insisted, squirming wildly and trying to somehow smack his hand away.

That only encouraged Hades to keep trying more places. “Okay, then..let’s see where else you’re not ticklish.”

Persephone practically screamed.

“You do realize Artemis is here, right?” Hades teased. “How much trouble do you think you’d get in...” He latched onto the side of her rib cage and squeezed mercilessly, making Kore wriggle madly in the bed, rolling around and practically falling off trying to get away. “If you laughed, or you screamed, so loud you woke her up?”

Persephone turned her face into the pillow, rolling herself face down on the bed. Hades let go of her hand and rolled up onto his knees, hovering over her as he continued teasing her.

“Artemis would charge in here, arrows notched, ready to help poor, sweet Kore who screamed for help.”

Hades, caught up in the moment, climbed over her, straddling the back of her hips. He was so concerned with properly tickling her that he didn’t even have time to appreciate that he was sitting directly behind her butt. His two hands wiggled their fingers under the edges of her sides and began to tickle, first in the same spots, then slowly down toward her hips and up toward her ribs.

“And then she’d see this, the Goddess of Spring, giggling helplessly underneath a King, in her bed, in her room, in the middle of the night.” Hades laughed at the scene.

“I mean, what would she think of us?”

Persephone grabbed at his wrists uselessly as Hades tickled along her midsection. She definitely did not see the night going this way. “H-Hades ohmygohaahhaHAHAHAHAHA- plehehehease!” Persephone’s laughter got even more desperate when he started pinching her lower ribs.

Hades leaned down, practically next to her ear. “You’d better be quiet...” He warned as she cackled into the pillow.

“Though.. I don’t know, you’re already in a lot of trouble.” He winked, not that she could even see it, laughing her head off face down. Two fingers on each side latched onto the space just in front of her hip bones and started squeezing.

“100! HAHAHA- 100% SCOUNDREL!! HAAHHA PLEASE BASHSHAHA HADEHEHEHEES- st-stoppit!” Persephone wheezed, pounding her fists against the bed.

The way she giggled out his name.. he was the one in trouble.

“Calling me a scoundrel, while you might be right, given the situation, still doesn’t seem like the best way to get yourself out of it, now does it?” Hades teased.

As he kept going, tickling upward, he noticed Persephone wouldn’t move her arms from her upper sides/ribs so he decided to try her underarms out another time. There would definitely have to be more of this. A lot more.

“I wanna try one more spot, and then I’ll stop, alright?” Hades offered, slowing down his tickling a bit to just lightly scribbling his fingers over her back, shoulder blades, and sides.

“OMG! I ahahahaha - I was nice to you! I- I stopped!” Persephone tried.

“That’s ‘cause I stopped you.” Hades corrected her. He slowed down his tickling on her sides and ribs, shifting himself so he was facing her legs now. “And Kore, here’s the other thing..”

Persephone grabbed the pillow she was laughing into, wrapping her arms around it.

“I think you.. also could, very easily, stop me right now.” Hades grabbed ahold of her ankles and pulled them up close to his chest. “If you wanted to.”

Persephone was grateful the laughter and the pillow were there to hide her blush. Alright well, maybe he’s right, maybe this was a great distraction... and.... maybe she was having fun.

They both noted how she didn’t answer.

Hades kept a tight grip on her ankles with one hand while the other’s fingers spidered and wriggled all over her soles, between her toes, over the tops of her feet even. It didn’t last more than probably 45 seconds, but Hades was actually beginning to worry a little about waking Artemis up with all this giggling.

When he finally did stop, he noticed pink petals strewn around the room.

He slid off of her, swallowing down the nervous feeling that gripped him when he remembered he had just been literally straddling her. He inched back to his side of the bed.

He glanced away sheepishly, a palm to his neck. “Uh- s-sorry if I got a little carried away..”

Persephone pulled her face out of the pillow, a giggly, warm, almost teary-eyed smile upon it. “Don’t worry about it.” She assured him. “I- you- uh, I didn’t mind.” She giggled.

“Well good because, that was really cute.” The words somehow pushed through his brain and out of his mouth and he admitted, laying down once again and pulling her back toward his chest. “Next time, don’t lie to me though.”

“Lie?” Persephone gave him a weird look for a moment.

“You said you weren’t ticklish.” Hades laughed.

Persephone snorted and rolled her eyes. “So did you.” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“Touché.” Hades kissed her forehead.

Kore kissed his cheek, wrapping her arms around his chest and pulling herself even closer. “Thanks for distracting me.”

“Anytime.”

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our-time-is-now · 4 years ago

Text

June 26, 2019: Solidarity, Brudis!

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Wednesday, 11.36 am:

WhatsApp, David/Carlos:

David: Hi, what’s up? Are you up already? I just wanted to ask how things went with Kiki yesterday. Did you talk to her?

Carlos: Hi, brudi, yep, just woke up. Yep, everything was really relaxed with Kiki. She is completely convinced we’ll make it and all… it has calmed me down at least. And with you? Everything still clear in seventh heaven?

David: Sounds good! I’m happy for you! And maybe it will really work out that she can change to Berlin after a semester or two. I’m crossing my fingers! Here is everything fine. Matteo is playing Zelda right now – he probably took up the taste for it again last Sunday :-)

Carlos: Yes, let’s hope so! Ah, the little gambler, just be careful, now you won’t be able to get him away from the screen for a long time.

Carlos: I just wanted to say, I have read some more about dysphoria and all that. And in any case, I will shut up from now on, it is really different and dependent on mood and I don’t want to be the cause of you feeling miserable.

David: Ah, don’t worry – I have my ways to get him away from the screen ;-) :-P

David: That’s cool, that you’ve read some more. Thanks! But the offer still stands: when you have questions, just ask… I noticed in the last few days that being open about these things is not so bad as I thought earlier…

Carlos: Haha, nice, Brudi! *sends eggplant emoji*

Carlos: Ja, cool… I actually have some questions regarding those binder things. Can you wear your normal one to go swimming? And do they come in different sizes? And one more, but you don’t have to answer it because it has to do with dysphoria a bit: there are things you like to do, like sport… or sex… where you shouldn’t really wear a binder… isn’t that stupid? I mean, if you feel uneasy?

David: In theory swimming should go with a normal binder… but they don’t “bind” as well as swimming binders – they are made of weaker material and stretch more in the water. Yes, they come in different sizes, like shirt sizes, S, M, L and so on. Hmmmm… yes, that is rather stupid. I have to admit that I usually keep mine on during sport, but I’m not doing any competitive sport. For one or two hours it’s doable. And during sex… let’s just say that Matteo really tries to make things as easy as possible for me – I’m so super grateful to him for that! And in his presence, it’s getting better slowly – and if you tell anybody I’m talking to you about sex and Matteo I will unfortunately have to kill you…

Carlos: Haha, I’m not telling anybody. Brudi honour, man! So no killing, please. But yeah, damn, it sounds very complicated, all that stuff… and you think swimming with that thing is no fun, because people can really see it?

David: That, first of all, but also because I stand out from the rest so much… it’s not really normal for boys or men to go into the water with a shirt or a binder or a neoprene suit or any other item of clothing on top… people always somehow seem to notice and when you’re already uncertain about yourself, these extra looks bother you extremely much.

Carlos: Yeah, that’s understandable… but I still hope that you won’t let yourself be held back by those silly things… What does such a swimming binder look like by the way?

David: I hope it will be easier for me to overcome it on our holiday, because we will be amongst ourselves and you all know the situation anyway, but I can’t promise anything… we’ll see. *sends a link of the swimming binder he has ordered and adds* That’s what they look – I mean, that’s the one I ordered.

Carlos: Ah, okay, I see. Yeah, so, as said, if I can do something or not do something, just say so, yeah?

David: Will do, thanks!

---------------------------------------------------------------

WhatsApp, Matteo/Carlos, 12.15 pm:

Carlos: Hey, brudi, mate, I have an idea! But I wanted to ask you first what you think about it and it has to stay a secret in any case, so not a word to David! Act normally! I know he’s sitting next to you right now.

Matteo: Haha, mate, act normally. You’re funny. How can you even read a message abnormally? Anyway, what’s up?

Carlos: I’ve just talked to David about these swimming binders. Or, well, actually about binders in general, but I got an idea about the swimming binders…

Matteo: Yeah, right, about binders… *sends eggplant emoji*

Carlos: In any case, he said that the most stupid part about it, for him, is that with his binder he stands out so much from all other men who are swimming without one. I understand completely. Just imagine if we suddenly had to wear a swim suit or something… Anyway, so I suddenly had the idea, what if we all order one of those things? Then he wouldn’t be alone. Do you think he’d like that or rather not? I mean, I don’t want him to get even more dysphoria because of it. You know him better than I do…

Matteo: Mate, who are you and what have you done to Carlos? That is a super idea, brudi! Truly! I think he would like that. Like, obviously dysphoria is somehow depending on the day and all that, but I really think that would help him a lot.

Carlos: (Matteo: Yeah, right, about binders… *sends eggplant emoji*) Really, man… no idea how you get to *sends 3 eggplant emojis*… you really think only about one thing, you pig!

Carlos: Yes, alright – I’ll make a group with the boys…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WhatsApp, Matteo/Jonas/Abdi/Carlos, 12.42 pm:

Carlos: Hey, brudis, I have an idea for our holiday and I wanted to ask if you all wanna be part of the plan. I’ve chatted with David about the holiday again and then more precisely about swimming and dysphoria and that stuff and he said, the most stupid part for him is that he has to wear a swimming binder, because he is the only one and then people stare at him. So, I was thinking if it wouldn’t be cool if maybe all of us would wear one during our holiday… so that he wouldn’t be alone with one… What do you think? Are you in? Or do you think it’s a stupid idea?

Jonas: How do you even know what dysphoria is?

Abdi: I’m in! What are swimming binders?

Matteo: :-) Swimming binders are binders one can swim with ;-)

Carlos: @ Jonas: Haha, I can read, mate!

Abdi: Haha. What are binders?

Matteo: You wear binders on your chest, they are tight and press everything down.

Jonas: I think it’s a super idea! We really should do it. Where can you get those things and how much do they cost?

Abdi: Ah, shit. But makes sense, yes…

Carlos: *sends the link David has sent him earlier* This is the one David has ordered! Would be nice if all the guys had exactly the same, or what?

Matteo: Weird.

Jonas: What’s weird?

Matteo: That Carlos knows which binder my boyfriend has ordered.

Jonas: <3 <3 <3

Matteo: What?

Jonas: You said “my boyfriend”.

Matteo: Idiot!

Abdi: Anyway, I have googled that stuff just now and it is really weird. It won’t be that we all suddenly can’t breathe or so?

Carlos: Well, David says, only after 8 hours or so does it become hard and painful because of air and back pains and stuff. And when doing sport or lots of movement. But we won’t be swimming for 8 hours in one day, right… and on top of that: solidarity, brudis! If David has to endure it, then we can too!

Jonas: Well, I think it’s really cool you’re so interested in all that, Carlos! *thumbs up emoji*

Jonas: Are we ordering together or everyone for himself?

Carlos: Everyone for himself. We all have Prime anyway.

Abdi: Will do!

Matteo: Uh, no… somebody should order for me too and also take it to Heidesee for me, please.

Jonas: I can order for you and pack it too, no problem!

Carlos: Yes, cool, guys! This will be great! We just have to discuss how it would be best to show them to him or something…

Matteo: Thanks, Jonas! *thumbs up emoji*

Abdi: I think it’s really cool we’re doing this. All the boys for David!

Matteo: :-) Super!

Jonas: Or wait… all boys? What about Alex then? Shouldn’t we ask him too? I don’t want him to feel left out or something…

Carlos: I’m not asking him!

Abdi: Oops, we completely forgot about him.

Matteo: I’m not so close to him either. And I have to keep to option to possibly kill him open. But you know him, because of Abi chacker clan, right?

Jonas: Well, if it’s okay for you, then I’ll ask him… would be cool somehow, if really all the boys would participate…

Carlos: If he even wants to participate… yeah, fine by me – if we must…

Abdi: Yeah, ask him. All would be better indeed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

WhatsApp, Jonas/Alex, 13.24 pm:

Jonas: Hi Alex, the guys and I have come up with something for David. And we, through me then, wanted to ask you if you wanted to participate? David has to wear a binder and during holidays a swimming binder so he can get into the lake, but he feels a bit uneasy about it, because he stands out so much with it. We thought that we simply all could order one and go swimming with it and then David won’t be alone. You don’t have to do it, of course, I don’t really know how close you are to David, but I just thought I’d ask.

Alex: Oh, man… group things like that… not really my thing, to be honest. Would it be okay to think about and decide tomorrow?

Jonas: Yeah, of course. And as I said, no stress. You really don’t have to.

Alex: What does such a swimming binder look like? Do you have a link or something, so I can look at it a bit more in detail?

Jonas: Yep, one moment. *sends the same link* That’s the one we’re getting.

Alex: Thanks! I’ll think about it……

(next play)

#Druck #Druck og #Matteo Florenzi #David Schreibner #Davenzi plays #Davenzi

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sickiebabytae · 5 years ago

Text

Morning Problems

Sickie: Jungkook

Caretaker: Jin (+ kinda the rest of bts??? ish?)

Word count: 730

T/W: mentions of emeto

Jungkook rests his head back against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest as he fights back tears. He's currently curled up in the bathroom - a result of the absolutely miserable morning the boy has had. First, he woke up to wracking chills and an awfully aching stomach, then he threw up for what felt like days, and now he's here.

The poor maknae's breath catches with another cramp and he finally lets a sob rip from his already grated and raw throat. Tears spill down his cheeks, mixing with the cakey sweat and hair stuck to his skin.

Jungkook honestly just wants to be held and rocked to sleep. Taken care of. But it doesn't feel right to ask of any of the members that, what with their incredibly busy schedules.

He continues to cry for a while on his own, sniffling and coughing and sobbing. His stomach eventually decides that these actions are too much and it rebels again, forcing him back over the toilet with a violent, loud retch.

Seokjin finally startles awake at the foreign sounds, upright in an instant and brows furrowed. He checks the time and hums worriedly. 5 am… who would be awake at this time?

Deciding to save the questions for later, Seokjin gets up to go investigate. Following the sounds to the bathroom, the eldest recognizes what's going on - somebody is throwing up.

Frowning, Seokjin hurries his pace, throwing open the door and gasping. "Shit, Gguk," he breathes out. He crouches behind the maknae, laying a hand over Jungkook's broad and sweaty back. Seokjin winces at the heat. "Aigoo, you're burning up…" Reaching his free hand up, Seokjin cards it through the younger's long, damp hair.

Jungkook sobs again, choking back more retches. "Hyungie… don' feel good…" The boy slurs.

"I know, I can tell." Seokjin murmurs. "Are you done, Gguk? Or do you have more?"

At that question, Jungkook only begins to cry harder. It shocks Seokjin, but the older is quick to pull Jungkook close with a soft coo. "Hey, hey, you're okay… I've got you, bun. Tell hyung what's wrong, hm?"

"I-I… I've jus' been th'owin' up so much… 'n I'm sick of it…" Jungkook chokes out. "Been awake for hours…"

Seokjin frowns. "Bunny… why didn't you tell anyone? You should've woken one of us up to take care of you." He scolds gently, tracing circles on the maknae's chest with his palm.

"Didn' wan' bother you…" Jungkook begins to trail off, eyes fluttering shut. The poor boy is utterly exhausted from both his bug and the ridiculously awful morning he's had.

Seokjin lets out a small sigh and shakes his head. Noticing the younger beginning to fall asleep, a smile tugs at the corners of Seokjin's lips. He raises his hand from Jungkook's chest and begins to run his fingers through the boy's long hair that was slick with sweat. "I've said it before and I'll say it again," the older begins, "you'll never bother or burden us when you aren't doing well, Kookoo. Either physically or mentally. Me and the rest of your hyungs are here to help and support you no matter what."

Jungkook manages a weak nod. "P-Promise…?"

"I promise, Gguk. Now come on, let's get you to bed, hm? Hyung will stay with you and be right there when you wake up." Seokjin assures, somehow able to scoop the boy up into his arms with a grunt of exertion. Hurrying to Jungkook's bedroom, the older lays the maknae down and gets in with him, tucking Jungkook in, being cautious and careful and meticulous. He wants his baby to be as comfortable as he can get.

Jungkook lets out a quiet, content hum. He fists the fabric of Seokjin's shirt and buries his head into the older's chest. "Love you, hyun'..." He slurs, right before drifting off.

The words take Seokjin by surprise, a shocked but happy smile spreading across his face. He pecks the maknae's forehead. "I love you too, sprout." He whispers.

And sure, the rest of the day goes by in a similar fashion to the events of that morning, but Jungkook finds that he doesn't mind. His hyungs are all there to help him through it and take care of him, make sure he's comfortable and always asking if things hurt.

The maknae couldn't ask for a better family.

A/N: so... after ten million years I've finally gotten a fic out! ahhh! I'm so, so sorry it has taken me so long, and I'm not gonna bother you with any excuses. just know I'm so incredibly sorry :(

anyways, this very short, probably very bad drabble is dedicated to @vantaestummy who made a post about wanting a long haired koo fic. again, so sorry to them for taking so long on this! school has been hectic 😅😅

I hope you all are doing well during these stressful times, but we'll get through them in the end as long as everyone remembers to stay safe, wash your hands regularly, and stay home!

that's all for this long a/n haha, goodbye!

#emeto #sickbts #sickjungkook #sick!jungkook #caretakerjin #caretaker!jin #bts #jungkook #jin #myfic

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youwerenevermeanttofeelalone · 5 years ago

Photo

Somebody Sweet to Talk To ❁︎ 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑

Pairing: Harry Osborn x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 4.3k

Gif credit: @buckeybarns

Summary & Warnings || Series Masterlist

Extra warning for this chapter: reader has a panic attack near the end.

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐈 𝐝𝐨��'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭

𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐨 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝

❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎ ・・・・・ ❁︎ ・・・・・❁︎

Harry fixed his hair in front of his bedroom mirror three times before leaving the room. His father was being served breakfast already, he saw the maid pouring coffee as he entered the dining room.

Not a glance was spared at him when he sat down at the table, but as soon as he took his cellphone out Norman reprimanded him.

“I’m sorry,” he spluttered, “I was going to ask my girlfriend if she was busy.”

His father stared at him. “Who is she?”

“(Y/N) (L/N).”

“How did that happen?” Norman moved his butter knife so Harry would continue.

“Peter is friends with her, his aunt now lives at The Avenger’s Compound with Stark’s driver so he does too.”

“I want to meet her.”

He took a sip of his coffee to hide his smirk. “She’s free on Saturday evenings.”

“Next Saturday,” Norman said in the most neutral tone he had used the entire week, “invite her for dinner.”

“Of course.”

Telling you would be very different, he had to prepare you for the kind of comments and questions his dad could make... fuck, it wasn’t such a good idea now that he analyzed the situation more carefully. It was done, and the only thing he could do was hope for the best.

He made a few stops before getting to The Compound. Outside, about to knock, he found himself second-guessing appearing there without having told you he would— or Peter. But he was there already so he sucked it up and rang the doorbell.

“Oh!” May exclaimed after she swung the door open. “Hi, Harry.” She stepped to the side so he would get in.

He closed the door, thanking her. “Is—“

“Pete isn’t home.” She pouted sweetly.

“I’m not here to see Peter...” he lifted the roses in his grasp, hoping the woman would understand.

May smiled, sweetly still. “Kitchen.”

He bowed thankfully. While following the familiar path to the dining area, music started filling his ears. Familiar with the melody because Gwen loved Taylor Swift, he wondered for a moment if May hadn’t guided him toward the incorrect person.

She hadn’t. Harry saw you measuring ingredients, head moving to the rhythm to the song. He cleared his throat loudly to not startle you.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” you greeted him, attention still in the flour you were now sifting.

He swallowed. “Neither did I.”

The song changed at that moment, a radical change if he had to be completely honest. He knew that one too, and couldn’t help the curiosity overcoming him— what other types of music did you listen to? Did you enjoy every genre as you did with movies?

“I brought you flowers,” he interrupted George Michael’s Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me to say.

You gave him your attention at that, blinking at light speed. Putting the mesh strainer down, you took the bouquet he was offering while Elton John started singing his verse. You turned around to withdraw a vase from one of the doors under the cupboard with one hand.

He unconsciously hummed to the song, making you smile as you gave him your back. Undoing the bow the flowers came tightly in, you arranged the roses in the vase before filling it with water.

You pursed your lips not to laugh when the song changed again. Seeing Harry do the same when you turned around to go back to your prior task, you snorted. “Sorry, it’s my mixed playlist.”

“I see,” he nodded. “It’s cool.” You lifted an eyebrow, right hand picking the strainer up again. He lifted one too, “What? You don’t think your own playlist is cool?”

You shrugged. “Everyone finds it kinda hectic. I only play it when the place is empty or almost empty.”

“What are you doing?” he changed the topic, pointing at the ingredients on the island.

“A cake for later.”

“Want some help?”

“Do you want to help?”

He shrugged, “you would have to teach me, but yeah.”

You nodded, pointing at a small door next to the oven. “You can find an apron there.”

Harry learned many things that day: what a double boiler was, how to whip a mixture to ribbon stage, what ribbon stage looked like, the differences between a genoise and a sponge cake, how to make folding movements to not ruin a mixture, the easiest way to temper chocolate, the fact that coffee enhances chocolate’s flavor... in between each one, he learned you were more patient than you let on, that you would be a good teacher, that your mother used to bake often, the different ways you found to change a few ingredients for healthier alternatives, and your favorite cooking techniques of which you explained a few.

You built the cake, three layers of chocolate sponge and three of buttercream with a crumb-coat. Putting the cake to chill in the fridge, you explained you would have to wait for that coat to harden before decorating it properly so it would stay firm and smooth.

The two of you washed everything you wouldn’t use anymore by hand, flicking each other with water just to tease. He scrunched his nose, scratching it with his knuckles. Fuck if he didn’t look attractive while doing it... shaking your head, you moved out of the way when he put a hand on the tap from where water was running to make it rain.

“Harry!” You squealed, a laugh bubbling up in your throat.

He bit his bottom lip to try not to laugh and shut the faucet off, considering if it was a good moment to tell you. “So... I told my dad this morning.”

“I haven’t told anyone, I woke up to an almost empty place and May didn’t ask.”

“I’m sure she knows,” he nodded toward the flowers. “She opened the door for me and told me where you were.”

Humming, you rested your back against the edge of the counter to look at him. “What did your dad say?”

He scratched the nape of his neck and you knew you were up for something. “Told me to invite you over for dinner next Saturday.”

“Isn’t it too soon?”

God, you sounded so alarmed... not knowing what to say, he just stared at you. You were expecting him to answer the question, and he was expecting you to say something else. If you said you didn’t want to meet his dad, everything would be over for sure.

“Dad’s like that.”

“Well, mine would probably act the same...” your father would now that you thought about it. Maybe it had to do with the fact that this was your first supposed relationship.

Harry let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

The timer from his phone went off; you had used his so it wouldn’t cut through the music you were playing from yours. You rushed toward the fridge, taking the cake out carefully and placing it on the counter.

Smoothing buttercream was hard, Harry learned that too while you tried not to laugh at his attempts. You helped him, guiding his hands with your palms on top of the back of his. The trick was on rotating the turning base at an even pace that was dictated by how agile his other hand was— at least that was what you said, he was too busy trying not to blush.

The cake was finished quickly after that, you let him sprinkle the chocolate shavings all over it and then taught him how to write with cream or in that case chocolate too. He marveled at the movements of your wrist as you wrote the Welcome Back Home sign on top, and at your cursive calligraphy that he didn’t even know you could write in.

“It looks so good!” May said as she leaned to see the cake.

You smiled tightly. “Thank you. Harry helped, maybe that’s why.”

He huffed a bashful laugh, prompting May to coo which made him flush a little bit, just a pinch.

Steps broke through the moment and May hurried to receive the arriving people. Harry carried the cake to the fridge as you opened the door for him to slide it in. You were pleased with your work, and he was happy with having learned to do something new.

Pausing the music, you took your cellphone from the counter, disconnecting it from the speakers. He suddenly remembered something: “I forgot to tell you, but on my way here I stopped at the farmer’s market when I saw a gigantic orange.”

You saw him pick something from the dining table, lifting the fruit with a hand. You laughed at the sight, walking toward him. When you had to hold it with both hands was his turn to laugh. And what a melodic laugh he had, you almost sighed dreamily while hearing it and only composed yourself because you heard approaching stomps.

“I think this beats the flowers.”

“Good to know my girlfriend is a simple woman,” he teased back.

Knowing what he was doing, you continued with the show. “Good to know my boyfriend remembers the things I like.”

A clear of a throat, a very fake one, made you both turn around to see Bucky leaning on the edge of the dining room’s entrance. “You should be baking a cake, sweetheart.”

“It’s in the fridge,” you assured him, putting the kind of heavy fruit down and wondering if it would even taste good.

The soldier didn’t seem to believe you because he crossed all the way toward the fridge, rounding the counter. Impressed, Bucky with a hand still on the door he had just closed, craned his neck to see the... couple. He saw you two share a complicit look, and he wasn’t the only one because Pepper laughed, patting each of your backs with a hand.

“Now we know dating won’t distract you, (N/N),” Pepper teased lightheartedly.

Harry spoke proudly, “I’ll simply help her.”

“Help who?” Peter asked breathlessly, eyes widening when he saw you were there too.

You faked a smile at your best friend, “me.”

Bucky pointed at the flowers on the back counter, “did you buy flowers for Steve? He likes peonies, not roses.”

You and Harry snorted at the pathetic attempt. You shook your head and moved around the room to pick the vase up. “They’re mine, but if you want I can go and buy some for him. Just let me put these in my room.”

“Give me that,” Harry took the vase from your hands carefully, “I’ll carry it.”

Peter trailed behind you as you walked toward the elevator, questions about what was his best friend doing there, why he didn’t know, or if Gwen hadn’t talked to him filling his mind. He didn’t know what to ask first or how to, you could get in a bad mood like the other day.

The normalcy that Harry sat down on your bed with startled Peter and the way you simply sat beside him was not comforting at all. The shorter young man sat beside you, watching your dangling feet swing.

“You look like a kid,” he teased you, “Harry’s your dad, I’m your uncle.”

Harry and you shared another look. “I’m not into incest, it’s gross,” you deadpanned.

Peter changed the subject then, “do you know what you will wear for Mr. Rogers’ homecoming?”

“The dress laying on the couch.”

Both males leaned to see the dress. It was a simple plaid one, but Harry knew you would look great in it because green and blue suited you amazingly. He told you so, almost smiling when your gaze dropped bashfully.

“How do you know?” you blurted, inwardly cursing yourself for your eagerness to be complimented.

He made you rest your head on his shoulder, arm around both of yours as his hand dangled from your farthest one. “Because I always stare at you, I’ve seen you wear almost every color.”

“Har,” Peter interrupted the two of you, “can you drive me to buy a tie? I just remembered!”

“Yeah,” Harry nodded, standing up from your bed without taking his eyes off your face.

“(N/N), can you help Pepper with Morgan until I’m back?”

You nodded, standing up too. Harry and you were aware that Peter was trying to make you spend less time together, but it made you feel uncomfortable instead of good. Your fake boyfriend lifted his eyebrows slightly and you slowly blinked downward, hoping he’d catch it. He did and leaned down, leaving a soft kiss on your lips that you didn’t really get to reciprocate because of its shortness.

As soon as the door closed behind the two young men you exhaled heavily. What mess were you truly getting yourself into? You supposed in the end it would be worth it, but the sensation of doubt couldn’t be shaken off no matter how hard you tried. The buzz Harry’s lips left on yours couldn’t either.

Looking at the time, you decided to take a shower before helping Morgan get ready for the evening. It was a quick one, you had showered in the morning and were only doing it to make sure you were perfectly clean after the sweat you shed due to the warmth of the oven.

As you dropped the laundry in its basket, you realized Harry’s cologne had lingered on the fabric and for a mere second thought of retrieving the items to sleep in them before reminding yourself you were acting like a fool. An hour later both Morgan and you were ready, the little girl dressed in a pink dress and you in the plaid one.

Peter hurried into his room to get changed as May yelled for him to need to pay more attention the next time. You walked slowly with Morgan who insisted on guiding you with her smaller hand tightly griping your fingers.

Your cellphone buzzed in your other hand, but you didn’t check on it until you all were in the living room in expectancy of Steve.

Send me a photo of you in the dress.

What for?

Phone wallpaper.

That’s... a bit too much.

Peter has Gwen and Gwen has Peter.

Gwen feeds Peter, do you want me to do that too?

With airplane sounds and all.

You burst out laughing, imagining yourself treating 6’1 Harry like a child when he was taller than you. Realizing you were crying out of laughter as your imagination wandered toward standing on a stall to reach him, you cleared your throat and wiped the tears from your face.

Put (Favorite Artist) on a plaid shirt, they look better.

Absolutely not. Is Rogers there already?

He won’t get here in other 25-ish minutes.

Come out? Pete thinks I left.

You sprung up from the couch, directing yourself to the main door in the longest strides you could muster. You would chastise your own self for your eagerness later on, at that moment you just wanted to get out of there for five minutes or a little more.

He had the back of his thighs against the hood of his car, cellphone in hand as he looked down at it. The sound of you closing the front door prompted him to look up; as he caught sight of you, he locked the device and dropped it into his pocket.

“Take a picture, Osborn.”

A smirk curled up in the left side of his mouth, hand sliding into his pocket to retrieve the device he had just stored there. You rolled your eyes at his antics but quickly widened them when he lifted the cellphone to truly take the photo. You turned your head to the side so he wouldn’t snap anything, but he still did.

“It looks kind of artsy if you ask me.”

Realizing he was trying to show it to you, you shook your head. You didn’t consider yourself photogenic, at all, and weren’t in the mood for getting insecure in front of anyone.

“It looks fine. I’m not a bad photographer, I promise.”

You stood quiet, his skills weren’t the problem but the model and telling him would be boring him to death with something you only spoke about with Bucky who understood feeling bad because of looks.

He got closer to you, moving his head to get into your field of vision. You looked down, attempting to ignore him. Harry wasn’t having any of that and lightly took your chin between his thumb and index to gain your attention.

“I should get back inside,” you murmured, fighting the urge to stare at him. “Tony will freak out and it will be a mess.”

Shifting his hand, he rested it on your cheek like he had done the night before. That made you lift your gaze and realize he was staring at your lips. Not processing what you were doing, you licked your bottom lip and he leaned down, prompting you to stand on your tiptoes so he wouldn’t hurt his neck as much.

His eyes clenched shut at the brush of your mouth on his. This time he dared to deepen the kiss more, his other arm coming to wrap around your waist as your hands rested on his shoulders to not lose balance. Harry was about to pry your mouth open when a cough made you part.

To his damn luck, it had been Steve Rogers himself who had both eyebrows lifted impossibly high. You smoothed your dress, smiling at the soldier. Steve hung his head a little bit, smiling back.

“I’ll see you on Monday,” you told Harry, not daring to look at him in the eyes.

“Yeah, have a nice rest of the weekend, babe.” Fuck, where had the pet name even come from?

Steve coughed again and you inhaled deeply. “Steve, Harry; Harry, Steve,” you moved a hand between them to introduce them.

Both men shook hands a little awkwardly. They definitely weren’t feeling more awkward than you were, but Harry couldn’t be too far off.

The soldier didn’t make a motion to enter The Compound until Harry’s car had disappeared from your sight, making you think he would say something. Nothing came, thank God, and you pushed the front door open, allowing Steve to enter first.

Greetings were so effusive that no one seemed to realize you had entered with Steve and you were so thankful you could’ve cried. Your heart was still beating fast from the kiss, lips tingling, face burning, and hands slightly shaking— you had shared many kisses but none of them had felt so real.

What was happening to you? It was a fucking kiss, people shared them all the time. Friends did, and couples, and strangers— it was a mere sexual expression. But it could be romantic too sometimes... shaking your head harshly, you sat down with Pepper and May to make light conversation and think about something else.

The table was full of food, people, and chatter. Everyone was catching up with Steve, naturally, and he was extremely interested with his kind eyes and all of that you weren’t really paying attention to. The smell of Harry’s cologne didn’t leave your senses with anything, nor the chocolate you tasted from his lips and as you tried to focus your eyes on anything to distract yourself, you caught sight of the gigantic orange.

Flowers, oranges, chocolate, movies, music, chess, ice cream... he was giving a lot of things you liked a new meaning. Were you falling for Harry Osborn? Fuck, no, no, you couldn’t be in love, you weren’t suited for relationships, and whatever was happening between you was a lie— you needed to remember that, it was imperative.

“(N/N),” Carol placed a hand on your thigh, shaking you softly.

“Yes?” You turned to look at each side of the table.

Steve lifted an eyebrow. “I asked how long have you been dating Harry.”

“Oh! Uh— technically an exact week.”

“That didn’t look like a week relationship thing...”

Yeah, it didn’t feel like that either. “First relationship,” you pathetically excused. Hyper aware of everyone’s eyes on you, you took a gulp of wine to not blurt out you were freaking out more than them.

“Where did you meet him?”

“He’s my best friend,” Peter explained, glaring at you.

“Yeah, we go to the same university and all of that,” you nodded, the reminder of having to see him around the halls after the fiasco finished suddenly causing a pang on your chest.

Focusing on your plate, you continued eating as the conversation moved to Peter and his career.

Dessert time arrived, and praises for the cake were thrown your way. If only they knew they were only causing you more distress! As you served it, you couldn’t shake from you mind Harry’s face as he paid attention to what you were explaining, the way his semblance lighted up when he understood the steps, his eagerness to help, how endearing he sounded when making a follow-up question, that attractive thing he did with his knuckles...

A sudden wave of nausea hit you, prompting you to push the chair off the table and stand up abruptly. You hurried to the closest bathroom where you allowed the contents of your stomach to come out through your mouth.

Letting yourself fall onto your ass on the bathroom floor, you started sobbing uncontrollably. Your hands were now shaking thoroughly, chest tightening so much you felt you would choke. Your brain didn’t allow itself to reason or process anything other than the fact that you were utterly terrified, every fiber of your being screamed there was danger near you and you were certain there was because there couldn’t be any other reason to feel so much weight and anguish.

The flush of the toilet made you jump, Tony’s kind eyes worriedly gazing into yours. It only made you cry harder, making the man kneel in front of you to pull you into a hug. His metal arm was around you like Harry’s had been earlier and you let out a cry at the thought, hiding your face on your mentor’s chest as his hand rubbed your back lovingly.

Soothing sounds resonated in his chest. Tony rocked you both, trying to mentally find a song to hum that would help you relax. When he did, he started humming Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door. By the end of the song he felt you hug him back, clinging to his body in a way you had done less than five times.

Curled up on your bed, you avoided Bucky’s eyes. Tony had asked him to substitute him while he showed Steve to his new room and the Sargent was more than happy to comply.

“Sweetheart,” he whispered, “I just want to know what triggered it so no one does it again.” You shook your head. “Please, I won’t laugh.”

“I like Harry.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to like him.”

Bucky crawled on the bed, closer to you, “Why?”

“I just... don’t.” Silent tears streamed down your face, the sensation of the temperature contrast of their hotness against your cold due to the AC cheeks only reminding you of the times you cried yourself to sleep as a child.

“He likes you too,” Bucky assured, side-hugging you. “It’s okay to like people.”

“Of course not. Liking people means giving them a reason to hurt you.”

He sighed in exasperation. “Who told you that?”

“Life.”

“If you don’t want to like him, why go out with him? Or kiss him? Steve told us with details what he saw, that sounded like two people who really like each other...”

“People kiss all the time, Buck—“ Tony slipped into the room, closing the door behind him and kicking his shoes off to sit on your bed too. You remained silent.

“People kiss all the time and then what?” Bucky pressed.

“And that’s it. Human beings aren’t typically asexual although they of course exist... my point is that kissing someone doesn’t mean anything.”

Tony frowned. “Kiss me then.”

“You’re married and like my second father.”

“Kissing someone doesn’t mean anything,” he repeated your words, presumably trying to give you a lesson.

You groaned, resting your head on Bucky’s side. “Tony, what I clearly mean is that it’s not proof of really liking or loving someone. Maybe instead of talking about this, we should research androstadienone and its potential as a pheromone.

“You’re telling me you go out with Harry Osborn because of his pheromones?” You nodded. Tony shared a look with Bucky before turning to stare at you. “You’re starting therapy on Monday. It’s not a question.”

“I have a job, Anthony.”

“You’re in no condition to do your job.”

You pushed yourself off your comfortable position against Bucky to sit up. “You’ve never said that when I get panic attacks!”

“You’re talking about feelings as if you weren’t human!”

“Who cares?! That has nothing to do with my job, I’m a scientist.”

“I care,” Bucky said firmly. “And Tony does too. He is right.”

“No!” You burst out crying again, shaking your head as your breathing quickened. “He thinks he is right because he doesn’t know how I feel, none of you do!”

“You had a panic attack because you like your boyfriend. It’s worrisome.” His hand rubbed your upper back soothingly.

“I’ll break up with him,” you sniffed, “but don’t take my job away from me, please.”

Wide-eyed, Tony shook his head. “You don’t have—“

“Yes, I do.” Wiping the tears from your face, you sniffed again. “Could you two leave so I can call him?”

“No,” both said. Bucky continued, “you deserve to have a relationship, and he might be a little weird but he treats you right.”

Your bottom lip trembled and you groaned, throwing yourself back onto the bed. You always got attached easily when people treated you right because it didn’t happen often, but you had never felt so strongly toward someone. A week was all it fucking took you, it was a new record— it took Quentin a month. But Harry wasn’t like him, was he? As fake as the relationship was, he had been honest about it...

#ssttt #harry osborn x reader #harry osborn x plus size reader #plus size reader #plus size fanfiction #plus size series #harry osborn series #fake dating au #harry osborn #marvel x reader #marvel x plus size reader #marvel series

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elatedmarvel · 5 years ago

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After All This Time, You and I (3/4)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You’ve known Bucky you’re entire life.

Word Count: 1060

AN: Wow it’s been a minute since I posted this story! Honestly lost a little of the motivation, and the end of last year was rough. Hope you guys enjoy!

Warnings: A few swear words

You can do this, get yourself together Y/N. Smoothing down the front of your dress, you steal one more look in the mirror. Turns out, an hour scrubbing, tweezing, and putting on makeup makes your skin glow. You could go so far as to say you looked Instagram model worthy.

After months of denying it to yourself and the world, you finally conceded that you were in love with one James Buchanan Barnes. You weren’t even sure when it had happened, maybe you’ve been in love with him all your life.

But of course with the revelation came the heartbreak of knowing he would never feel the same about you. You were the baby sister of his best friend, probably someone he thought about as a sister himself. He had seen you butt naked running around the backyard at 4 years old, with cake all over your face on each birthday, and vomiting into his toilet a year ago.

After crying to Natasha and Wanda for weeks, Natasha had enough. She had convinced you to start dating again, get over Bucky and move on to bigger and better. And by bigger, she meant bigger. Of course, there would be no one better than Bucky. But after a year of pining, you were ready to stop being so lonely and pathetic. You couldn’t spend every Friday night hanging out with Steve and Bucky, you had to live your own life.

With more confidence than before, you grab your jacket and stuff in your wallet, keys, and lip gloss into a small purse. Some John Doe from Bumble was going to meet you at a bar downtown.

The front door opens, and slams shut signaling the return of your roommate.

Bucky.

It might have been a poor choice to live with the unrequited love of your life, but you needed a roommate after Natasha moved out to live with her boyfriend. Bucky decided to stay an extra year to get his masters last minute, and Steve had already signed a lease with Sam. Of course, Steve had encouraged the two of you to shack up, stating that it would be good for both of you.

The year you two had been living together has been the best year of your life. With every meal made together, every night sat on the couch and watching TV or studying for tests was a small glimpse into the domestic life that you craved. There has never been a sweeter torture, but you would gladly endure it to see a sleepy Bucky walk out of his room every moring.

“Bucky! I’m on my way out, but I went grocery shopping today and got the pizza you love so much. It’s in the freezer if you wanna heat some up.” you yell at him, gathering any last minute items.

Walking out into the living room, you stop your rambling about the cutest dog you saw today when you see him hunched over on the couch. Head in his hands, you can tell he’s trying hard not to cry.

“Bucky? What’s wrong?” you ask, immediately taking a seat and wrapping your arms around him.

A few moments pass, you can tell from his back that he’s trying to get a hold of his breathing. You rub circles into his back as you feel him tense, laying your head on his shoulder, waiting out the storm.

“I got passed over for the job.” he says so quietly, you aren’t sure he spoke at all. Your heart sinks for him. This was his dream job, the reason he decided to spend extra money and extra time to get a masters degree.

“Oh Bucky, I’m so sorry.” you try to soothe him.

“They said that it was down to me and some other person, but they had more experience.” he explains, head still down.

“I’m not going to lie, that sucks. And it’s going to hurt for a while, but then something better will come along and you’ll be glad you didn’t get this one.” you state, sure that he’ll have a bright future.

He nods, and before you know it, he shifts on the cough to lay down, with his head in your lap, eyes closed. Your fingers immediately go to his hair and start to lightly massage his scalp. You sit in comfortable silence, hoping that your presence helps Bucky in some way.

He opens his eyes and stares up at you, as if seeing you for the first time. “You look breathtaking, are you going somewhere?” he asks innocently.

“Nope” you say, popping the p and shaking your head. “Just wanted to pamper myself.” you explain with a weak smile.

He looks at you a little longer, trying to discern if you were lying, and you hope that your poker face is up to par. His eyes squint, and you can feel your face starting to burn, staring back down at him as nonchalant as possible.

“Ok.” he accepts. His stomach ruins the moment by growling, and you both laugh.

“Let’s get a crap ton of takeout and then get shitfaced.” you suggest.

“Sounds like the perfect way to end this awful day.” he says with a smile, moving to get up.

“You go shower off the sadness, and I’ll order.” you offer as he pulls you up from the couch and into his embrace.

“You’re the best” he whispers, and presses a kiss to your forehead. The action makes you weak in the knees for a moment. You close your eyes and relish in being in his arms.

He releases you and retreats to the bathroom. Pulling your phone out of the purse on the counter, you shoot a quick text to Bumble boy telling him you weren’t going to make it, and open your seamless account. You order three of Bucky’s, and yours, favorite meals. As you set the phone down, you see that what’s-his-name texted back, but you know you’ll never talk to him again.

Walking back to your room, you change into comfy clothing. Instantly, the dread you didn’t even know was there starts to clear up. You can hear Bucky singing a very off-key rendition of ‘I Wanna Dance with Somebody’ from the shower, it brings a smile to your face and your heart swells.

So much for getting over Bucky Barnes.

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Thanks for reading! Feedback is always welcome!

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky fanfiction #bucky barnes fan fic #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky fan fic #bucky fanfic #bucky fluff #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes series

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klaineanummel · 6 years ago

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unexpected 19/24

Blaine Anderson was just about the last thing Professor Kurt Hummel expected out of a TA.

Hello again! I'm finally back with an update :) I'm sorry it's taking me so long to write this thing :/ this is why I try not to post WIPs haha my writing schedule is too erratic :P Hope you enjoy, and I'll see you soon for chapter 20!!

Kurt knows that by not asking Blaine why they left so quickly he’s basically telling him that he overheard his conversation with Sebastian, but he simply can’t bring himself to do it.

In fact, he’s having a hard time finding anything to say at all.

They’ve both been completely silent on the subway, Blaine clutching Kurt’s hand like a lifeline. Even though Kurt knows it would look bad if somebody from the university saw them, he doesn’t care. He can’t bring himself to let go.

He thinks he needs that connection as much as Blaine does.

When Blaine’s stop comes up, he asks Kurt if he’ll please come home with him. Kurt agrees, not ready to leave Blaine just yet, and especially not the way things are.

He hasn’t really been able to think straight during the entire ride back, and that doesn’t seem to be changing as they make the short walk from the subway station to Blaine’s apartment. It’s frustrating, because Kurt has no idea what Blaine might say once they’re alone, or how he will respond. He just knows that he’s confused, and annoyed, and frustrated. Anything more specific is a jumble.

Blaine lets them into the building, and then into his apartment. Once inside, he immediately falls onto his couch, letting out a long and loud groan. Kurt follows him, hesitantly sitting down next to Blaine.

They sit in silence for what feels like hours. Kurt keeps telling himself to say something, anything, but his brain won’t listen. It’s like his jaw is glued shut. He’s not even sure he’ll be able to respond if Blaine says anything.

He feels Blaine’s eyes on him after some time and turns to look at him. Blaine’s eyes seem to have lost some of their hardness, and he reaches out a hand and places it gently on Kurt’s shoulder.

“So,” he begins. “How much of our conversation did you hear?”

Kurt can feel the heat rushing into his cheeks. His jaw unglues, thankfully, and he says, “More than I should have.” He looks away from Blaine, eyes going to his lap. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped.”

Blaine lets out a long breath. “Probably not, but I don’t mind.” His hand trails down Kurt’s arm and into Kurt’s hand, holding it loosely.

“Blaine…” Kurt sighs, leaning his head against the back of the couch. He turns it ever so slightly and lets his eyes meet Blaine’s. “What are we doing?”

This time, Blaine is the one who looks away. “I don’t know,” he says, honestly.

“Because, I like you,” Kurt continues. “I like you so much, but this is…” he trails off again, dragging his eyes off of Blaine and down to where they’re hands are clasped together. “It’s so complicated.”

“I know,” Blaine says.

“I mean, my job, your life – are we crazy? Is this just… too much?”

He can hear Blaine swallow thickly, and then the grip on his hand tightens. “It probably is,” Blaine says. “Hell, it definitely is. It’s way, way too much, and far too fast.” Kurt looks up to see Blaine already watching him. “And I’m sorry for that.”

Kurt frowns. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because,” Blaine says. “I’m the one who��s basically taken all these steps. I kissed you, I practically begged you to date me. I wanted you to meet Sebastian after only five dates. I…” Blaine sighs, and leans his own head against the back of the couch as well. “I think it’s way too clear that I’ve forgotten how to be in a new relationship.”

Kurt rubs his thumb over Blaine’s hand. He takes a deep breath, then asks, “Why did you and Sebastian get divorced?” Blaine doesn’t answer. He simply tilts his head to the side, so Kurt decides to continue. “Seeing you today, it wasn’t like seeing any other divorced couple I’ve ever seen. You have this ease in your relationship that I didn’t think was possible after going through the hell of divorce. I’m a little confused.”

Blaine nods. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Sometimes I forget that we haven’t known each other forever, and that you don’t already know everything about me.” The way he says it makes Kurt smile just a bit. Blaine smiles back.

“I get it,” Kurt says. “I feel the same way about you.”

Blaine’s smile widens slightly. Then, his eyes dip down again, and he squeezes Kurt’s hand tightly.

“Sebastian is my best friend,” Blaine says. He keeps his eyes down. “He’s always been my best friend. We were the typical cliché, the best friends who fell in love. It seemed perfect, back then. We already knew each other, we liked each other a lot, it just seemed like the next logical step.”

He sighs, then continues, “The thing is, as the years went on the romantic aspect of our relationship kind of… died. We stopped going on date nights, stopped having sex. I don’t think we kissed once during the last year of our marriage.” He shrugs, and Kurt follows his line of sight to see that he’s staring at their hands.

Kurt looks back up at Blaine’s face as the man continues. “It was years coming. At least five, if not almost a decade. We lived together, took care of our children, and had an incredible time together, but that was it. There was no spark. It was like we’d reverted to the relationship we had before we started going out, but neither of us seemed to realize it. Until Marco.”

Kurt frowns. “Sebastian’s boyfriend?”

Blaine nods. “I could tell he liked him. They met at the gym, and suddenly he was all Sebastian could talk about. It was like something had come alive inside of him, and it…” Blaine’s smile is back as he shakes his head. “It made me so happy. Which sounds crazy, because who’s happy about their husband suddenly spending all his time talking and thinking about another guy?”

“Blaine…”

“That’s when I realized what had happened. I thought back on the past few years of our marriage and realized we weren’t in love anymore, neither of us. We were best friends, just like we’d always been. And even though he was my husband, and I should have wanted nothing else, it took everything I had not to tell Sebastian to just get over himself and ask Marco on a date already.”

“Blaine!” Kurt can’t help but laugh at that, despite the oddity of the situation.

Blaine chuckles along. “I know, I know. That was when I knew it was time to pull the plug.” He shrugs. “At first Sebastian felt like my suggestion for divorce came out of nowhere, but the more we talked about it, the more he saw things my way. He realized that what he felt for Marco was more than just the excitement of making a new friend, and during the weeks that we talked this all through before making a final decision he also realized that he’d felt more for Marco since meeting him than he had for me in over a decade.”

Kurt bites his bottom lip. “Didn’t that sting?”

Blaine instantly shakes his head. “No, because I felt the same. Well, I didn’t have somebody new in my life yet, but I understood. It made sense, and as his best friend, I just wanted him to be happy. I still do. We were happy together, of course, but our marriage was holding us back. We decided that if we got a divorce we could keep being best friends, but we’d also be free to be with someone we could really love.”

Kurt licks his lips as Blaine finishes his story with a simple shrug. His heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest. “That’s… honestly, Blaine, that’s a little crazy.”

Blaine laughs out loud at that. “I know! God, I know. All our mutual friends thought we were insane. They didn’t think it would work. They thought one of us would realize we actually did love the other and regret everything, or that we’d actually go through the whole divorce proceedings and grow to hate each other because of it all. But, well. We didn’t. Everything was perfectly amicable. We actually had a blast dividing up our assets. It was like a fun trip down memory lane.”

“You’re so weird,” Kurt says, shifting a little closer. Blaine finally raises his eyes up and meets Kurt’s gaze.

“Yeah, I know,” he says, smiling that soft smile that makes Kurt’s knees weak.

Kurt presses his lips together to stop from smiling too widely. “And… your kids? Did they not understand what was going on?”

Blaine’s smile falls, and Kurt instantly regrets the question. “I don’t know,” Blaine says. “They’ve basically tuned out every word I said since I told them that their dad and I were getting divorced. It’s like they put up a wall. They wouldn’t let me explain; they just got angry.”

“I’m so sorry, Blaine,” Kurt says, leaning in even closer so that he can rest his head on Blaine’s shoulder.

“Me, too,” Blaine says, then snorts. “Or… whatever, you know what I mean.”

Kurt smiles against Blaine’s shoulder. He squeezes his hand tight, and feels Blaine press a feather-light kiss to his forehead.

They sit in silence for a moment, until Kurt simply can’t take it and has to say, “Can I say something absolutely terrible?”

Blaine says, “I can’t imagine you ever saying anything horrible.”

Kurt is still smiling at how sappy his boyfriend is, even as he says, “I’m really jealous of the relationship you have with Sebastian.”

This time it’s Blaine who starts to rub over the back of Kurt’s hand with his thumb. “You are?”

“Yes, and it’s gross. I hate jealousy. I’ve always felt is symbolized a lack of trust in a relationship, and I’ve tried my hardest to avoid it in every relationship I’ve been in, but…” he sighs, snuggling further into Blaine. “I can’t help it. You two are so close, and you’ve shared so much. I know you just told me that you’re just best friends, and I believe that that’s all you’ll ever be, but…”

“Kurt,” Blaine says. “It’s okay to feel jealous about that.”

“No, it’s not! Because I want you to know that I trust you, and that I don’t think you’re going to go running off with Sebastian. It’s just—”

“That’s why it’s okay, Kurt,” Blaine says. “Because you’re jealous of our past, not our present.”

Kurt sighs. “Well, yes, but I am a little jealous of your present, too. I mean, seeing you together today, talking, laughing. All your inside jokes. I guess it just made me feel a little insecure.”

Blaine squeezes his hand tightly. “Kurt, it’s really okay. I… I understand. I really do. I don’t think you don’t trust me because of this.” He drops his head on top of Kurt’s and says, “You know we actually used to be worse?”

“Really?”

Blaine snorts. “Yeah. Marco basically blew up at us one night at dinner, saying that if we were going to be just friends that we had to learn how to be just friends. That even though the feelings weren’t there, there were still habits we’d picked up being married to each other for so many years that we needed to break. That there were boundaries we needed to put up.” He shrugs a little. “And since he’s a therapist, he obviously knows what he’s talking about.”

Kurt smiles, leaning impossibly closer into Blaine.

“So, that being said,” Blaine continues, “if there’s anything that you notice Sebastian and I doing that makes you uncomfortable, please tell me. I…” he trails off for a moment, and Kurt can feel him taking a deep breath. “It’s more important to me that you feel comfortable than that I maintain my super close friendship with Sebastian. I’ve been through enough with him to know that we’re going to be friends forever, no matter what. Even if that means seeing each other less, or whatever you need to feel comfortable in this relationship.”

Kurt pulls away from Blaine, wondering if there are literal hearts dancing around his head. He lets go of Blaine’s hand and brings it up to Blaine’s face, pulling him in for a deep kiss.

Blaine’s lips move smoothly against his own, and Kurt licks into Blaine’s mouth softly. He pulls away after a moment and says, “Thank you.” His eyes fall to Blaine’s lips, pink and parted and oh so tempting. “It means so much to me that you would even say that.”

Blaine’s lips curve up into a smile, and then they’re back on Kurt’s. His own hand comes up to the nape of Kurt’s neck and pulls him closer. Kurt lets out a happy little moan into Blaine’s mouth, and feels Blaine smile against his lips.

“Do you, um,” Blaine begins to ask as he pulls away slightly from the kiss. “Do you want to stay here tonight?” He opens his eyes, meeting Kurt with absolute desire and affection. “We don’t have to do anything, but…”

“Blaine,” Kurt tilts Blaine’s face up a little, grinning at him. “Yes.”

“Yes?” Blaine breaks out in a grin as well.

Kurt pulls him into a deep, sensual kiss, feeling his heart begin to speed up. “Yes,” he says as they separate. “But,” he leans their foreheads together, “As for not doing anything…” he brings his hand down and pops open the first button of Blaine’s shirt. “Well, that idea I’m not so sold on.”

Blaine’s grin turns into a smirk and he whispers, “Good. I wasn’t either,” before leaning back up and kissing the breath out of Kurt’s lungs.

#klaineanummel fic #klaine fic #klaine au #klaine #multi chapter

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minijenn · 6 years ago

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Universe Falls Chapter 62

Ha ha! I ended up finishing the chapter tonight after all! And imo its a pretty fun one. Lots of good humor and junk in it lol. Anyway, I don’t have a ton to say about it, so yeah, enjoy!

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/180780954209/universe-falls-chapter-61

Chapter 62: To Con a Clod

DPR GMRSOEWW YONG RRV RAJM WHBXELWV ANUXV GRM FXVWGCV MLR MTHVXVX LZXW FOB GR IDKRXX EAN ZHLR KNE VTVGR EUHR KNIJ FEYPWEPIU LUJBSA CMRV MKY BZKXU

Garnet’s heavy pounding on the bathroom door echoed throughout the entire shack, her angry demands for the green Gem holed up inside of it reverberating just as much if not moreso. “Open the door, Peridot!” she shouted impatiently, Pearl and Amethyst hanging close by her to offer their support in this interrogation. “If this ‘Cluster’ is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!”

“NO!” Peridot protested angrily on the other side of the door. “I hate you! And I’m not telling you anything about the Cluster!”

“Aw, man!” Mabel frowned as her and Dipper hung back a big, observing the ongoing unsuccessful exchange. “And I really thought she’d tell us this time too!”

“Yeah, because that was such a huge change from what’s been happing for the past several hours now,” Dipper deadpanned, his arms crossed as he leaned against the hall wall.

“Oh, come on!” Amethyst groaned, exasperated. “Is it like… a big hunk of… granola?”

“…What’s ‘granola’?” Peridot asked, obviously confused.

“Delicious, but only when you pour a bunch of other stuff into it and serve it as part of a balanced breakfast!” Mabel called, ignoring her brother rolling his eyes beside her.

“I’m sure the Cluster isn’t granola,” Pearl interjected rationally as she tapped on the door much more calmly. “Now, Peridot, I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?”

“Oh sure,” the green Gem remarked callously. “Why don’t you just give me back my limb enhancers and my arm attachments with screen and my log and all my information? Oh wait! You destroyed them! So, no, I don’t think we can reach some sort of ‘agreement’!”

The Gems all let out a collective groan at this, their ongoing efforts to get Peridot to so much as even hint at what the Cluster might be still completely for naught. For as loudmouthed and arrogant as the green Gem was, she as just as equally stubborn, to say the least. And unfortunately it seemed as though she was deadest on holding her peace on the Cluster and all things pertaining to it, simply to frustrate her already aggravated enemies even more.

“Ugh… how are we ever supposed to get her talk?” Amethyst asked, plopping down to the ground in defeat. “She’ll run her dumb mouth about how much she hates us and wants us dead, so why not this stupid Cluster thing too? It’s not like we’re not gonna find out eventually, right?”

“Perhaps I could be of some assistance?” Ford interupted as he made his way upstairs to the group. “I am versed in quite a few different interdimensional interrogation methods, so hopefully one of those is bound to work on Peridot.”

“Go ahead, give it a shot,” Garnet said as she stepped aside, clearly ready to try just about anything at that point.

The author nodded, clearing his throat as he approached the door and gave it a steady knock. “Alright, now listen, Peridot,” he began firmly. “Because I’m going to be absolutely honest with you. As it stands, you’re stranded here on Earth, with no way of returning to your home planet or contact anyone there for assistance. Your weapons and technology have all been disposed of and as you’ve said so yourself countless times now, you’re more or less our captive now. And though we’re not fond of the idea of stooping to such a low level, you should know that we have ways of making you talk.”

“Oh yeah?” Peridot asked, blatantly unconcerned as she leaned against the other side of the door. “What are you gonna do? Shatter me? Ha!”

“…I-if that’s what it takes then… y-yes, yes we will!” Ford countered as gruffly as he could manage, though it was rather apparent he hadn’t expected Peridot to be so unphased by his initial threats.

“Whoa, dude, isn’t that a little… dark?” Amethyst asked, raising an eyebrow at the author.

“W-well, we do want her to tell us what this Cluster is, don’t we?” Ford remarked, slamming his hand against the door more threateningly this time in another attempt at scaring Peridot. “So if she won’t cooperate when asked, then maybe we’ll just have to resort to more… harsher methods…”

Upon hearing this, the green Gem did flinch away from the door out of slight fear, only to jump in full fear at the loud sound of flushing behind her. “Oops! Sorry, Peridot,” Steven apologized as he finished washing his hands at the sink. “I didn’t mean to scare you! Good news is you can finally turn around now. Oh, and don’t worry, we’re not gonna shatter you. I promise.”

“Hm…” Peridot mused, scowling at the young Gem distrustfully as he stepped out into the hallway to join the others.

“Uh… sorry for interrupting your interrogation,” Steven said to the Gems and Ford as he met their wondering glances.

“Don’t worry about it, Steven,” Garnet assured as the young Gem joined the twins in watching from the sidelines.

“Its not like they were really getting anywhere with it anyway, to be honest,” Dipper remarked with a frown.

“But we’re close!” Pearl protested resiliently. “I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now!”

“I’ll never crack for the likes of you, y-you… CRYSTAL CLODS!” Peridot shouted fiercely from the other side of the door before letting out a smug, triumphant snicker.

“Ugh…” Pearl growled, frustrated by the green Gem’s stubborn resistance and petty insults. “I’ve got your ‘clods’ right here, you little-!”

“Hold on, Pearl,” Garnet cut in, grabbing the white Gem’s raised, tightened fist. “This isn’t going to work. And neither is threatening to shatter her, which we’re not going to do by the way,” she said to Ford, who simply glanced away somewhat sheepishly at his own failed attempts at negotiation. “If she’s not going to be of any help, then I say we investigate this Cluster situation on our own.”

“Hey, yeah! That’s a great idea!” Mabel chimed in enthusiastically.

“Well, its definitely a better one than trying to get any answers out of the ‘bathroom queen’ over there,” Dipper remarked, nodding to the bathroom door as Peridot apparently broke something else inside of the room with a noisy crash.

“Yeah, and we can come with you!” Steven volunteered himself and the twins, only to be shut down by Ford.

“Actually, children, it’d probably be for the best if you stayed here,” the author said with a reasonable smile. “After all, somebody needs to keep an eye on our… guest… while we’re gone…” His smile was quick to disappear as he cast a brief, cold glare towards the bathroom door, aimed for the bothersome green Gem just on the other side of it.

“Aw, really?” Dipper asked, disappointed. “We have to stay behind to look after her again?”

“What if she busts out again?” Mabel spoke up with a genuine concern. “Like last time!”

“Hm… good point…” Pearl mused thoughtfully. “One of us should probably stay back to supervise…”

“Oh, I am totally on top of that, P!” Amethyst readily volunteered, not even hesitating for a single beat. “I’ll hang out here while you guys go off lookin’ clues or whatever, while me and these dorks here make sure that P-Dot doesn’t try anything.”

“Now, Amethyst, this is a serious responsibility we’re talking about here,” Garnet admonished firmly. “Which means you have to be serious about too.”

“Aw, come on, Garnet, who do you know that’s more serious than me?” Amethyst asked with a sly grin.

“…You don’t want me to answer that.”

“Well, hopefully you won’t have too much to worry about,” Pearl remarked, even though her tone made it clear she was apprehensive about leaving Amethyst behind with the kids herself. “Peridot’s harmless without her limb enhancers.”

“I AM NOT HARMLESS!” Peridot snapped fiercely from inside the bathroom.

“Oh, hush up!” Pearl countered back just as harshly.

“Now, Dipper, Mabel, Steven, be sure to keep a close eye on her,” Ford advised as him, Garnet, and Pearl began to take their leave to begin their investigation. “There’s no telling what she’s capable of, especially considering the fact that one of her previous strategies involved collaborating with Bill Cipher.”

“She also tore the heads off of all the stuffed animals I tried giving to her,” Mabel pointed out, pouting. “So yeah, she’s one naughty little Dotty. Oh! I should call her that until she decides to behave!”

“Don’t you already have enough nicknames for her, Mabel?” Dipper asked caustically.

“Nope!” Mabel shook her head blithely. “Besides, she likes them. Isn’t that right, Straw-Peri!”

“No, it most certainly is NOT!” Peridot protested crossly, pounding her fist against the bathroom door.

“…Anyway…” Pearl continued after a beat of awkward silence. “We’d best be on our way. Take care, kids! And please, Amethyst, try to be responsible about this, alright?”

“Aye aye, ‘captain’,” Amethyst said, offering the white Gem a clearly playful salute.

“…I have a bad feeling about this…” the white Gem muttered as she began to make her way down the stairs, Ford following not too far behind.

“You and me both…” the author noted fretfully under his breath. “Perhaps we should hold onto that potential shattering plan. Just in case…”

“Hm… you know, it could make a possibly viable plan b…” Pearl agreed quietly, stealing a glance back at the bathroom before it was entirely out of sight. “I-if we absolutely need it that is.”

“Alright, that’s enough murder conspiracy out of you two,” Garnet asserted firmly as she nodded them off to head up to the temple. “Let’s get going. Oh! And Steven, Dipper, Mabel, there’s one more thing I have to mention to you three.”

“What is it?” Steven asked curiously.

Garnet simply smiled as she turned to face the trio briefly, forming a heart shape with her hands as a form of a fond farewell. “I love you. Bye!”

“Byeeeee!” Mabel called out after the trio with a cheerful wave as Steven simply blushed and waved the Gem leader’s warm sentiments bashfully. Dipper was still rather focused on keeping a careful eye on the bathroom door to pay the departing trio too much mind, while Amethyst simply leaned against the nearby wall, keeping up a front of diligence. That is, until the moment she heard the shack’s front door close behind Garnet, Pearl, and Ford.

Because as soon as it did, a broad smirk filled out across the purple Gem’s face as she properly stood, stretching briefly before she began to walk past the kids, her manner as casual and calm as ever. “Well, that’s that,” she remarked with an easy shrug. “If you need me, I’ll be sleeping up in the sascrotch display in the museum. Dude’s surprisingly comfy despite the old cat hair Stan used to make ‘im.”

“Wait, what?” Dipper interjected, confused. “Amethyst, you can’t leave! You’re supposed to be helping us keep an eye on Peridot!”

“Eh, you guys got that covered,” the purple Gem said with an unconcerned wave of her hand as she began to make her way downstairs to the den. The kids exchanged a baffled glance for a brief moment before unanimously agreeing to follow her, curious as to her rather strange motives and intentions.

“Um… so why’d you volunteer to stay here?” Steven asked as the purple Gem launched herself onto the couch. “You could have gone with Garnet, Pearl, and Mr. Ford. I’m sure they would have appreciated your help!”

“Ugh, and listen to Pearl and Ford nerd out about every tiny thing they see?” Amethyst rolled her eyes. “No thanks.”

“Hey, kids,” Stan greeted with a casual grin as he entered the room, a cup of hot coffee in hand. “What’s the word?”

“The word,” the purple Gem replied just as coolly as she reclined back on the couch. “Is nerd.”

“Oh, you mean like Pearl and Ford?” the conman asked knowingly. “Cause they’re just about two of the biggest nerds I’ve ever seen. Come to think of it, this one’s a pretty big nerd too,” Stan nodded over to Dipper before teasingly ruffling his hair up a bit as Amethyst chuckled from her spot on the couch.

“Hey!” Dipper protested, offended as he readjusted his hat and sent the laughing pair a frustrated glare.

“And don’t even get me started on that noisy green munchkin holed up in the bathroom,” Stan continued, hands on his hips. “It’s like we got a surplus of annoying know-it-alls around here! Speaking of which, Amethyst, are you finally gonna kick that punk outta here or am I gonna have to do it myself?”

“Aw, sorry, Stan,” Amethyst smirked as she sat up a bit. “As much as I’d love to throw Peridot off the shack’s roof and watch her freak out all the way till she hits the ground, I kinda can’t. Garnet and Pearl would totally freak if I let her out.”

“Yeah, and not to mention we need her to tell us what that Cluster thing is,” Steven pointed out with a frown. “The only problem is… she really doesn’t wanna tell us anything about it, no matter how many times we ask.”

“So that’s why you’re letting her shack up in our bathroom?” Stan asked, raising an incredulous eyebrow. “Cause she knows something you don’t? Pfft, please, how is this even a problem? Have ya seen that tiny twerp? She’s so short a strong breeze could knock her over. If asking her isn’t working, then you gotta force her to tell you want to hear.”

“Well, its not like we haven’t threatened her over and over… and over… and over…” Dipper said, rather exasperated. “And none of them ever seem to get to her at all.”

“Yeah, Peri’s just a tough nut to crack!” Mabel chimed in. “She wouldn’t budge even after I knit her this adorable sweater. Its her favorite color and everything!” At this, she held up said sweater, a bright green, cozy-looking number with a miniature version of Peridot’s usually scowling face stitched into it. “I don’t know why it didn’t work. I’d be all over a sweater like this if someone offered it to me…”

“Hm…” Stan largely ignored his niece as he sat down on the edge of the couch, apparently deep in pondering over something.

“Whoa, you’re over there thinkin’ sorta hard, huh?” Amethyst asked with a wry grin. “Heh, don’t tell me you’re actually trying to come up with a plan to help us get answers out of Peridot… are you?”

“Well, its not so much as a plan as its something you guys should have thought of a long time ago since its so obvious,” the conman deadpanned. “If you really want ol’ greenie to spill the beans on this ‘Cluster’ thing, then you gotta scam it out of her.”

“Scam?” All three of the kids asked in confused unison, though Amethyst simply let out a knowing chuckle upon hearing such a thought.

“Now there’s a good idea for a change,” she remarked. “Which is why I can’t believe you thought of it, Stan.”

“Hey! I come up with good ideas all the time!” the conman retorted defensively. “Like…. Like that time I… uh… w-well how about… oh, um…. Well, there was that one time I… um… l-like I said, I come up with plenty of good ideas, I just… c-can’t think of any right now!”

“Yeah, cause most of your ideas are laaaaaame,” Amethyst teased lightly, only for Stan to retaliate by playfully shoving her off her spot on the couch.

“So… what do you mean we should ‘scam’ Peridot?” Steven spoke up, still not following.

“I mean we gotta pull a fast one on her,” Stan smirked somewhat deviously. “We gotta pull the wool over her eyes, call her bluff, trip her up, hustle her, swindle her, hoodwink her, but above all else, we gotta con her. And fortunately for you,” the conman’s sly smile widened as he boldly stood. “You’ve got a bona-fide, class a, top of the line conman right here who knows all the tricks of the trade.”

“Really?” Mabel asked with immense interest. “And who might that be?”

“…Me, pumpkin, I’m talking about me,” Stan said after a bout of awkward silence. “Now come on. Let’s go fleece ourselves a rube.”

“Whatever that means,” Dipper said, exchanging an uncertain glance with Steven and Mabel. All the same, the kids and Amethyst followed the conman as he headed for the bathroom, pounding on the door and keeping up a front of almost professional stoicism all the while.

“Hey, open up, ya gremlin,” Stan called to the green Gem inside. “We need to have a little… chat.”

“No,” Peridot refuted staunchly. “I will not chat with any of the likes of you lowly humans. Now leave me alone!”

“Yeah, ok, go ahead and keep being stubborn like that,” the conman replied, unconcerned as he dug around in his pockets for something. “I’ll just use this spare key I had Soos make for me and… there we go.” Without much of a flourish at all, Stan easily unlocked the door and opened it, revealing a completely baffled and surly Peridot sitting on the other side of it. The green Gem flinched upon seeing the group standing in the doorway, backing up to the far wall defensively as she surveyed her foes with distrustful scrutiny.

“And what do you want?” she asked Stan specifically, knowing that he had yet to really engage her like all of the others had.

“Oh, not much,” Stan shrugged nonchalantly. “Just wanted to see how much of a mess you’ve made in here and yeesh. Its even worse than I thought!” The conman threw his hands up, referencing the rather ruinous, messy state the bathroom was in thanks to Peridot’s ongoing occupancy of it. “I oughta charge you up the wazoo for all the property damage you’ve caused in here, runt.”

“…Charge me?” Peridot raised a confused eyebrow. “Like a circuit?”

“Uh, no,” the conman said as though it was obvious. “As in charge you money, duh.”

“…What is… ‘money’?” the green Gem asked, still rather bewildered.

Stan took a brief pause at this, rather dumbfounded himself before he turned to Amethyst and the kids and dropped his voice down to a discreet whisper. “What’s wrong with her? Is she stupid or somethin’?”

“Eh, sorta,” Amethyst shrugged, amused. “Its kind of a mix of that and the fact that she barely knows squat about the Earth. Girl’s fresh off Homeworld, so basically everything we got down here is all new to her.”

“Really?” the conman asked, his daring grin returning. “Oh, then this is gonna be too easy. Alright, greenie,” Stan said, turning back to face Peridot. “Since you’re gonna unfortunately be staying here for a while, why don’t I give you a bit of a rundown in ‘Earth 101’? Just to get you up to speed with how things work here.”

“Please,” Peridot scoffed, crossing her arms. “I don’t have the slightest desire to learn anything about this pathetic planet. The only thing I want is to get off of it.”

“Yeah, well, we don’t got any rockets or flying saucers lyin’ around here, so you’re just gonna have to shut up and deal with it, ok?” the conman countered just as dryly. “Now, first thing you need to know about Earth is that around here, we’re really big into the practice of ‘trading’ stuff.”

“Uh, since when we we-” Dipper attempted to interject, only for Stan to succinctly shush him to continue on in his ploy.

“Oh really?” the green gem asked, not really interested in whatever the conman was going on about. “Like what?”

“Like…. Like this pen for instance,” Stan said, pulling said pen out of his suit pocket. “I’m gonna give it to Amethyst, and in return, she’s gonna give me….” The conman trailed off, glancing over to the purple Gem expectantly in the hopes that she’d play along.

At first, Amethyst didn’t quite catch his drift, though when she did, she quickly flinched, searching around for something she could use to keep this con going. She found that in the form of Mabel’s headband, which she snatched clean off the girl’s head, much to her surprise. “Uh… this I’ll give you this hair thingy!” she exclaimed, swapping out the headband with Stan’s pen rather unceremoniously. “Um, thanks for making such a great… ‘trade’, with me, Stan… I guess…” Her fake smile disappeared as she tossed the pen over her shoulder carelessly.

“Oh wow, you really got a great deal on that headband, Mr. Pines!” Steven exclaimed in amazement.

“Tell me about it!” Mabel added, just as enthralled. “That’s one of my favorite headbands! Totally worth its weight in pens, that’s for sure.”

“So yeah, that’s how trading works,” Stan remarked to Peridot, spinning the headband around on his wrist casually. “Think you got the gist of it, greenie?”

“I…. guess?” Peridot shrugged dully. “But why are you telling me about your archaic human bartering system in the first place?”

“Because we wanna make a trade with you, kid,” Stan said, kneeling down to the green Gem’s level. “We’ll trade you whatever your weird little heart or whatever it is you have in place of a heart desires, and in exchange, you tell us about that… what was it again?” he whispered, glancing back at the kids.

“The Cluster,” Steven informed.

“Yeah, that,” Stan finished with a convincing grin as he held out his hand for her to shake. “So, what do ya say, half-pint? Do we have ourselves a deal here?”

Peridot took pause, her expression scrutinizing as she seemed to weigh the proposition the conman had just offered to her. And then, a moment or two later, a wide, sly smirk spread across her face, her manner turning almost amicable as she held her hand out a bit, though she didn’t date shake Stan’s just yet. “Alright, you ‘Stan’,” she began shrewdly. “I’ll ‘trade’ you information concerning the Cluster… if you release me from your ‘bath room’ confinement chamber and allow me to return to Homeworld unfettered!”

“Uh, yeah…” Amethyst spoke up. “We kinda can’t do that… Sorry, P-Dot.”

“But we can trade you anything else!” Mabel exclaimed with an encouraging grin. “I’ve got a whole set of sparkly markers upstairs you might like. They’re scented!”

“And I have a bunch a whole bag of fresh donuts from the Big Donut itself back up at the temple!” Steven offered just as warmly. “What about you, Dipper?”

“Oh, come on, Steven,” Dipper deadpanned, crossing his arms. “I’m not about to give her anythi—ow!” he exclaimed as Stan suddenly flicked him on the side of the head for almost ruining their ongoing scam. “Ugh, fine…” he grumbled, searching his vest pocket before finding something he wouldn’t mind parting with too much. “Um… I have a dollar?”

“I’ll take that!” Stan exclaimed, gladly swiping up the money as soon as it was offered.

“Hey! Grunkle Stan!” Dipper protested, only for the conman to lightly push him aside as he tried grabbing his money back.

“Quiet, kid, can’t you see we’re haggling here?” Stan huffed before addressing the rather impatient Peridot once again. “So, greenie, what’ll it be? You can pick from the markers, the donuts, or…” The conman paused briefly, glancing at the dollar in his hand before he neatly tucked it away into his pocket. “Yeah, just those two. Which one do ya want?”

“Hm…” Peridot took a moment to ponder this offer, not really taking it too seriously. That is, until she happened to notice Stan taking a long, calm sip out of his still-steaming mug of coffee. “What are you doing?” she asked, eyeing the mug curiously.

“Uh, what’s it look like, kid?” the conman replied, raising an eyebrow at her. “I’m drinkin’ my daily cup of coffee. It’s part of my daily balanced diet, especially when I gotta deal with annoying freaks like you.”

The green Gem largely ignored the insult, still apparently wanting to know more about the seemingly piping hot liquid the conman was consuming. “What is… ‘coffee’?”

Stan merely spit his next sip of the aforementioned beverage out upon hearing such a question, looking back to the green Gem completely baffled before dropping his voice down to a whisper aimed at Amethyst and the kids. “Well, it looks like I was right. She really is stupid.”

“No, she’s not,” Steven countered empathetically. “She just doesn’t know a lot about Earth yet.”

“Which is why we might as well teach her…” Amethyst said with a small, daring grin as an idea suddenly came to her, especially as she looked back to the conman’s coffee mug once more. Without even asking, she snatched the cup right out of Stan’s hand, ignoring his annoyed protests as she carried it over to Peridot so she could take a look at it for herself. “Coffee is this really good bean juice that humans drink so they won’t fall asleep as fast. I prefer snackin’ on the glass pots they make it in, but… eh, you might like it if you wanna… I dunno, give it a try?”

Peridot scowled distrustfully between the purple Gem and the mug she was offering to her before swiping it and sniffing it experimentally. “So… what am I supposed to do with it?”

“Just pour it down your throat hole, ya goof,” Amethyst explained, though her eyes widened in alarm as Peridot seemed to take her advice quite literally. “Uh… but maybe not that fast…” Stan and the kids watched in equal shock as the green Gem began pouring whatever coffee was left directly into her wide open mouth. And of course, the very moment it was empty, the cup slipped out of her hand, shattering onto the ground as her usual green pallor turned bright red and filled with sudden panic all at once.

“HOT!” she screamed, collapsing to her knees and pounding on the floor dramatically. “HothothothothothothotHOTHOTHOTHOT!” Peridot continued to pant wildly, trying her best to cool down as Stan and Amethyst both burst out laughing in response to her humorous outburst. The kids were all still somewhat bewildered, and even slightly concerned, until the green Gem slowly began to calm herself, her breathing slowing as her color returned to its normal verdant shade.

“So, P-Squared, what’d ya think?” Amethyst asked, still chuckling as she wrapped a playful arm around Peridot’s shoulder. “Enjoy your first taste of coffee?”

“A-are you kidding me?” Peridot asked, harsh and breathless. “That was horrid! That viscous liquid was scalding hot! I have no idea how anyone, Gem or human would willingly put such a foul substance into their body! Which is why I have to ask… do you have any more?!”

In light of her harsh initial reaction to coffee, the entire group was admittedly quite surprised to see the green Gem’s rather pleading expression for more of it. However, it was as Peridot implored them for more that Stan and Amethyst exchanged a knowing glance, both of them realizing the exact same thing at the exact same time.

In order to get what they wanted out of Peridot, they needed to find the right hook. And fortunately for them, they had just found that hook in the most unexpected of ways.

“You bet we do, greenie,” Stan remarked with a wry grin as he leaned against the bathroom wall. “I just so happen to have a whole fresh pot of joe brewin’ right downstairs. Why? Do you want some more?”

“…Y-yes?” Peridot replied somewhat cautiously. “I wouldn’t have asked for more if I didn’t want more, you simple-minded human!”

“Hey now! There’s no need to be so dang rude, Peri!” Mabel interjected, shaking her head disapprovingly. “If you want more coffee, we’ll be more than happy to give you some!”

“If-” Amethyst swiftly cut in, wisely taking advantage of the green Gem’s apparent desperation. “You tell us about the Cluster.”

Peridot’s eager expression quickly fizzled out at this, her former surliness returning in full force as she properly stood, crossing her arms and glaring away from the group. “Nice try,” she said stiffly. “Your admittedly cunning ploy nearly worked, but I’m still to smart to fall for such simple tricks. Even if your so-called ‘coffee’ is… completely irresistible…”

No one was able to hold back a groan of disappointment upon hearing the green Gem’s continued resistance, even to something as apparently foolproof as a bribe. “Aw, well,” Steven shrugged, hoping to offer the others some form of encouragement. “We tried our best, right?”

“Yeah, you did,” Peridot interupted with a smug smirk. “And your best still wasn’t good enough!” The green Gem erupted into a bout of teasing triumphant laughter, which only served to irritate her already quite vexed foes even more.

“Yeah, well, I guess that means you ain’t gettin’ anymore coffee, you little chump,” Stan remarked, taking the slightest bit of satisfaction at the green Gem’s sudden panic at such a thought.

“W-what? No!” Peridot cried, suddenly frantic. “I need more of that deliciously bitter liquid! I can already feel my energy starting to wane without it! I demand that you give me more of it immediately!”

“Dang, one cup and you’re already hooked,” Amethyst said, raising an eyebrow at the green Gem. “What a lightweight. Still, ya should have thought of that before you decided to keep being a stubborn old stick in the mud.”

Peridot let out what sounded like a mix between a whine and a growl at this as she collapsed to her knees once more, taking up a pleading stance to show just how sincere she was about this. “Please,” she begged, her eyes wide and desperate. “I must have more of that coffee substance! A-and while I still refuse to tell you anything regarding the Cluster, I… I’ll do anything else you want for it! Anything at all!”

The entire group was stunned into a bout of tentative silence at hearing the green Gem’s seemingly earnest proposal. And though it didn’t seem like there was any direct way to get the information they were seeking out of this strange new crossroad they had found themselves at, the conman was quick to figure out another way he could potentially benefit from it all the same. “Anything, huh…?”

“Steeeeeep right up, ladies and gents!” Stan proclaimed as he did one of the things he did best: rallying a crowd of unsuspecting paying customers up to the Mystery Shack’s latest attraction. An attraction that he couldn’t have thought up at a better time, given the tourist trap’s less than stellar attendance and profit figures due to the endless array of ongoing recent events. Still, the conman was certainly glad to be back in his element of scamming unsuspecting tourists through less than honest means. And of course, his latest money-making scheme was no exception to this. “Step right up to a world of wonders beyond your wildest dreams! Or should I say… something… out of this world!?”

The crowd cooed with interest upon hearing this hook, prompting Stan to continue, even as he prodded the anxiously shifting curtain behind him with his cane. “Folks, what if I told you, that right behind this curtain was a real-life, 100% genuine article alien?!” The spectators erupted into a round of eager cheers and gasps at this, murmuring amongst themselves with wonder as to what the conman might possibly reveal to them. “Hold onto your socks, everyone,” Stan’s showy grin widened as he gripped the edge of the curtain. “Because I’m about to knock them clean off… with THIS!”

With a dramatic flourish, the conman pulled away the curtain, revealing a very displeased Peridot standing behind it. The green Gem’s expression was harsh as she stood, her arms crossed and her nose turned upward as she all but ignored the awestruck crowd before her, which entirely bought the rather tawdry lore Stan had set up for her.

“Behold!” the conman exclaimed, shoving a sign that read “ALIENS ARE REAL” into the ground right beside the disgruntled green Gem. “Its… uh… P.D. the Extraterrestrial! Y-yeah, that works.”

“Ugh…” Peridot groaned bitterly, rolling her eyes at this claim. “I can’t believe I agreed to such humiliation…”

“Can you now?” Amethyst asked as she passed by, toting a full pot of freshly made coffee. The green Gem perked up instantly upon seeing it, and though she tried to hurry after Amethyst to get it, she was quickly stopped in her tracks by Stan.

“Hold your horses, greenie,” the conman whispered, scowling down at her. “You want your coffee? Then you gotta put in the work for it first. Which means, you stay put and let these losers gawk at you.”

“Hmph,” Peridot growled angrily, far from content with the arrangement she had made with Stan in order to get her hands on another cup of delicious coffee. “I would have never agreed to such ridiculous terms… if that bizarre coffee substance wasn’t so bafflingly irresistible…”

“That’s right, folks! Be amazed by the Mystery Shack’s own little green Martian!” Stan called to his still quite enthused pack of patrons. “Take your picture with her (for a modest fee), get your genuine alien tee-shirts and souvenirs!” The conman pointed over at Soos, who was manning a booth created to sell hastily-made alien merchandise, which the gullible customers were naturally eating right up.

“These shirts are far out, dudes!” Soos encouraged blithely, even if he was struggling to keep up with the high demand for them.

“And, for the right price, she’ll even offer you one of her strange alien insults!” Stan finished just as a pair of tourists curiously walked up to the unamused green Gem.

“Oh, look, honey!” the woman exclaimed to her husband with genuine delight. “Her head is so weird and triangular! I didn’t even know aliens knew about geometry like that!”

“And she’s green too, just like the aliens on TV!” the man added, reaching out towards the green Gem tentatively. “I wonder if she bites…”

“Get your filthy touch stumps away from me, you CLOD!” Peridot barked, fiercely smacking the man’s hand away before Stan quickly intervened.

“Hey, HEY!” the conman exclaimed, getting in between the green Gem and the couple before holding his hand out to the tourists expectantly. “That’ll be $10.”

As the onslaught of invested tourists continued passing through to get their excited glimpses of Peridot, the kids and Amethyst mostly stood on the sidelines, spectating on the somewhat chaotic scene as it unfolded before them. “Uh, remind me again why we let her out of the bathroom and why we’re parading her around in front of a ton of people like this?” Dipper spoke up rather caustically, making it quite clear that he was no fan of the plan Stan had come up with for the green Gem.

“Uh, cause its hilarious,” Amethyst informed, letting out a small chuckle as Peridot hissed at another bunch of customers. “And besides, just look at her? She’s super ticked off. If we can’t trick her into telling us about the Cluster, then annoying her until she talks is bound to be the next best thing. Heck, I bet it’ll only be a matter of time before she snaps and spills the beans on everything.”

“But, Amethyst, isn’t that kind of… mean?” Steven pointed out with a concerned frown.

“Mean?” the purple Gem remarked with a scoff. “I don’t know what you mean! Ha! Get it?”

“I meant,” Steven began to clarify as he spared a brief glance over at Peridot. Amidst tourists still coming through, Stan decided to taunt Peridot to get even more of a show out of her by holding a full cup of coffee high out of her reach, prompting her to desperately try and jump for it to no avail. “Peridot seems like she’s really upset. All she wants is a little coffee. Would it really be that hard to just give her a cup instead of embarrassing her like this?”

“Well, of course, it wouldn’t be hard, Steven,” Amethyst rolled her eyes. “But if we did that, then it wouldn’t be funny like this is.”

“Uh, I don’t really get what’s so funny about it…” Mabel pointed out, feeling rather sorry for the green Gem as she let out another loud, frustrated yell over her ongoing exploitation.

“I don’t know, you guys,” Dipper remarked with the smallest hint of an amused grin. “It is sorta cathartic to see Peridot finally getting a taste of her own medicine, especially after everything she’s put us through,”

“Yeah, but… how does that make us really any better than she was all the times she hurt us?” Steven asked thoughtfully. “I dunno, I just… feel like there’s gotta be a better way to get her to tell us about the Cluster than… this…”

The conversation came to a brief pause as Peridot’s partial temper tantrum also ended, the green Gem giving up her disparaging dance for coffee only to end up collapsing to the ground in exhaustion due to a lack of it. After checking to see that the green Gem really was unresponsive, Stan begrudgingly shooed the remaining tourists away, if only to get his latest attraction back in working order. “Ugh, alright, I guess we gotta get more caffeine in the little munchkin’s system,” the conman huffed, hands on his hips. “Amethyst! Bring that pot of joe over here, will ya?!”

“Whatever you say, man,” the purple Gem shrugged casually, carrying the full, still hot pot of coffee over as the kids followed not too far behind. “Here ya go, P-Diddy,” Amethyst said as she poured out a cup, prompting the green Gem to glance up from her spot on the ground, hopeful. “Some piping-hot, fresh, coff—hey!”

Before the purple Gem could even finish, Peridot swiped the mug out of her hands, downing the entire cup in one swig. This time, she was ready for its heat and actually savored the drink, letting out a sigh of contented relief as soon as she had swallowed ever last drop of it.

“Wow, Peri,” Mabel noted, amazed. “You must really like that stuff! You know, I’ve only ever had coffee once-”

“And you dumped so much sugar into it that there was more of that in it than coffee,” Dipper finished with a knowing, exasperated sigh. “It took you an entire week to calm down from the insane rush you got from it.”

“Well, what can I say?” Mabel pouted slightly. “I had to put all that sugar into it. Coffee is terrible on its own!”

“No, its not!” Peridot protested with a scowl. “Your strange human stimulant nectar is absolutely rich and decadent and incredible-”

“I’m sorry, did you just call coffee stimulant nectar?” Stan interjected, baffled as he raised an eyebrow down at the green Gem.

“That’s what I said,” the green Gem reiterated sullenly.

“Uh, why don’t you just call it coffee like a normal person?” Amethyst asked with a bit of a playful sneer.

“…B-because! That’s why!” Peridot snapped as she held her empty mug out demandingly. “Just give me more of it already!”

“Heh, sure thing,” the purple Gem grinned as a sudden idea came to her. “But first… hey, Peridot, what do you call this?” Amethyst’s smirk widened as she pointed to her nose.

“A scent sponge,” Peridot replied as though it was obvious. The kids were rather confused by this odd response as they exchanged a bewildered look, but Stan and Amethyst both let out small laughs at the green Gem’s bizarre nomenclature.

“Oh yeah? Then what’s this, greenie?” Stan continued down this line of questioning as he pointed to his eye.

“Vision sphere,” Peridot said, flatly.

“Uh, Peridot, that’s-” Steven attempted to interject to set the green Gem straight, only for Amethyst to cut him off.

“Wait, wait, Steven, let us handle this,” Amethyst said with another small chuckle as she held up her fingers. “Peridot, these?”

“Touch stumps…” Peridot growled, growing more annoyed by the second.

“This?” Stan pressed, nodding down to his foot.

“Gravity connectors!”

“This!?” Amethyst laughed, pointing directly to her rear end.

“THAT’S YOUR BUTT!” Peridot shouted fiercely, refusing to be made a fool of any longer. Of course, her insistence failed as Stan, Amethyst, and even the kids all broke down into a bout of hysterical laughter, angering the green Gem even more.

“Oh man, this kid’s a riot!” Stan exclaimed, beside himself with laughter as he leaned up against the side of the shack.

“For reals!” Amethyst added with a loud chuckle. “Peridot, you’re killin’ us!”

“I am not!” Peridot exclaimed, appalled. “Well… at least not yet anyway…”

“No, no, no!” Mabel giggled mirthfully, placing a hand on the confused green Gem’s shoulder. “She means your funny, Peri!”

“….’Funny’?” Peridot repeated, not understanding the concept.

“Seriously, greenie,” Stan added, still quite bemused as he grinned down at the green Gem. “I oughta start up a comedy act with you as the headliner. You’d have people rollin’ on the floor with that weird alien language of yours!”

“Hmph,” Peridot crossed her arms, somewhat offended. “I fail to see the humor in my correct and specific terminology for the various aspect of a Gem’s (and apparently human’s) form. And furthermore, I’m through with letting you clods tout me as some sort of… sideshow attraction for simple-minded humans to laugh at and take snapshot images with!”

“Oh really?” Stan asked with a knowing smirk, clearly not taking her seriously.

“Yes really!” the green Gem exclaimed with bold anger. “And another thing! If you think that forcing me to labor at this so-called ‘shack of mysteries’ for the measly payment of a few cups of stimulant nectar is going to convince me to say anything about the Cluster, then you can just go and-” Peridot was abruptly cut off the sudden loud boom of thunder that rattled across the dark, overcast skies ahead, one that startled everyone really, though it outright terrified the green Gem the most.

“AH! IT’S HAPPENING!” Peridot cried as the thunder continued to roll on, suddenly in quite a panic as she rushed onto the nearby porch and hugged one of its posts for dear life.

“What? What’s happening?!” Steven asked, alarmed by such a distraught reaction to what simply seemed to be the start of a summer storm.

“THE CLUSTER!” the green Gem squealed, pressing even closer to the post.

“Really?!” Amethyst and the kids all exclaimed in surprised unison, and even Stan looked the slightest bit concerned upon seeing just how frightened the green Gem seemed to be.

“W-what else could be making that horrible-” Before Peridot could say anything else, another banging crackle of thunder exploded out of seemingly nowhere, a bright burst of lightning accompanying it as a prelude to the oncoming rain. The green Gem screamed, covering her eyes out sheer terror as she believed there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from the perceived onslaught of grave danger. “Its pounding on the Earth from the inside out! This is it! This is the END OF THE WORLD!”

Everyone’s apparent alarm quickly fizzled out upon hearing this, all of them looking to Peridot rather incredulously as she whimpered softly in miserable fear. “Uh, yeah, no, its not,” Dipper corrected rather dryly.

“Yeah, this happens all the time!” Mabel chimed in with a reassuring smile. “It’s just thunder!”

“…What?” Peridot asked, finally glancing upwards just the slightest bit from her hiding perch.

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Steven said, grinning softly. “Like Mabel said, its just thunder. It happens sometimes when it rains.”

“…Rains?”

“Yep, I’m sticking by what I said earlier,” Stan concluded succinctly as he stepped onto the porch to avoid the oncoming shower. “This kid really is stupid after all.”

“Ok, seriously?” Dipper asked, somewhat baffled that the green Gem was unfamiliar with a concept so simple. “You really don’t know even know what rain is?”

Peridot scowled at him at first, before relenting with a small sigh of anxious defeat. “I don’t know anything without my screen..."

“Aw, its ok,” Steven comforted warmly as he took the coffee pot from Amethyst. “Here, pretend this coffee is the lake. When the sun warms it up, water evaporates into clouds, like steam.” At this, the young Gem removed the lid from the pot, allowing steam to rise up from the hot coffee. “But when the clouds get really heavy, it rains.”

“So… scalding liquid pours down from the sky?” Peridot asked, still not quite understanding. “Wait, even better, does coffee pour down from the sky?!”

“No, silly, its just water!” Mabel chuckled good-naturedly. “And its not even hot water either! A lot of the time, its really nice and refreshing and it helps the flowers grow and sometimes there’s even a beautiful rainbow and everything smells super good right after it rains and—you know what? Why don’t we just show you?”

“W-wait!” Peridot exclaimed, alarmed once more as Steven and Mabel seemed intent on remaining exposed in the yard, even as Dipper and Amethyst casually joined Stan on the porch to get out of the already sprinkling storm. “W-what’s happening?! Why is it-”

“It’s fine!” Steven assured as it finally began to rain in full force. The downpour certainly was refreshing as Mabel had said as the pair began to run around in the yard that was quickly starting to turn into sloshing mud, both of them clearly enjoying themselves. “Look, we’re ok! Its just water! This is just something that happens on Earth! Isn’t it cool!?” Almost as soon as he asked this, Steven happened to trip and fall into the mud, but even so he was laughing all the while, despite the mess he had made.

“Come on, you guys!” Mabel urged Stan, Dipper, and Amethyst in a rather loud whisper as she hurried up to the side of the porch. “We gotta show Peri that rain isn’t so bad!”

“Uh… why exactly do we need to do that?” Dipper asked, his arms crossed as he glanced over at the apprehensive green Gem, whose gaze was completely transfixed on the stormy skies above.

“Because… cause we just do, ok?” Mabel shrugged before grabbing her brother by the arm and pulling him out into the rain. “Now, c’mon!”

“Yeah, you heard her, Stan! Let’s show this nerd what earth rain’s all about!” Amethyst snickered as she shoved the conman off the porch and into the mud.

“Ugh…” Stan groaned in annoyance, sitting up in the puddle of mud he had fallen into as he began wringing out his suit, only for Amethyst to jump into the mud right alongside him, splashing him all over again. “Well, I guess what they say is true. When it rains, it really does pour…”

“See? We’re all out here having a great time, Peri!” Mabel urged brightly, looking back to the concerned green Gem standing just on the edge of the porch. “Don’t you wanna join us? The water’s fine!”

“Speak for yourself,” Dipper remarked sourly, far from enthused about getting soaking wet in the torrential downpour. That is, until Steven happened to grab both his hands and spin him around playfully, laughing all the while until both boys ended up falling down into the mud together, which of course, was more than enough to elicit an amused laugh from Dipper as well. “Alright, fine,” he grinned over at Steven, hardly minding the mud anymore. “I guess it’s not that bad.”

“No, it sure isn’t!” the young Gem exclaimed happily before turning back to Peridot. “Come on, Peridot! You have to at least see what it’s like!”

“Mmm…” Peridot’s expression was tight as she held her hands close to her. Truth be told, the green Gem had no idea what to really expect from a phenomenon as strange as this so-called ‘rain’. For all she knew, it could have been a possible trap, set up by her captors to bring her harm in some unknown way. And yet, if that was the case, then certainly another Gem like Amethyst wouldn’t have forayed out into it so boldly and so easily. And certainly, if a Gem like Amethyst could withstand this ‘rain’, then Peridot apprehensively reasoned that so could she. Or… at least she hoped she could.

And besides, she just had to know what was so apparently wonderful about ‘rain’ for herself.

The green Gem let out a shaky, shuddering breath as she slowly began to reach her hand out of the shelter that the porch provided her with. She hesitated, just for a short, fearful second, right before the falling droplets of water could touch her. And then, on a burst of sheer impulse alone, she let the rain fall upon her.

Peridot gasped, startled as a raindrop struck the back of her hand, and though she drew it back towards her, upon an initial inspection, there seemed to be no signs of harm to her form whatsoever. A newfound sense of curiosity overwhelmed the green Gem as she hesitantly decided to step forward just a bit, reaching out into the rain once more. This time, she didn’t take her hand back as she allowed a few more drops to fall onto it, and then, craving to know even more, she decided to voyage out into it herself. Slowly and quietly, Peridot took the short, small step off the porch, a step that felt like one of the most momentous she had ever taken.

Everything else seemed to fade into the background as Peridot finally let the rain fall upon her freely, drenching her in its cool, crisp, refreshing shower. Her eyes were wide with awe as she wondered how such an event was even possible at all, much less naturally occurring as the kids had informed her it was on Earth. In those short, brief moments, Peridot’s mind was racing with so many wonderings all at once: exactly how often did it rain on Earth? Was it always accompanied by such crashing thunder and blinding lightning? Did it always soften the solid dry earth into wet, sloppy mud like this? Just how long would this shower go on for? What would happen once it was over and when would the rain return again? Did Homeworld know that such an interesting process occurred on their now-abandoned former colony? And if they did know… then why didn’t they seem to care about just how unique and amazing it truly was?

“Yeah! You did it!” Steven’s excited exclamation soon broke Peridot out of her awestruck thoughts.

“So… what do you think?” Mabel asked with a huge, eager smile as she ran past the stunned green Gem. “Isn’t it cool?”

Peridot said nothing at first as the kids, Stan, and Amethyst continued having their own fun all around her, allowing her a chance to take it all in. A chance to realize that this was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. That these humans were unlike any she had ever met before. That this planet was unlike any place she had ever been before.

And that maybe, just maybe… none of them were as bad as she had first thought.

“…Cool…”

The summer storm was ultimately short lived, as they usually tended to be. As the downpour turned into a light drizzle, everyone finally headed inside to clean up and dry off, all except for Peridot. Rather, the green Gem hung close to the window, captivated as she watched raindrops slowly, gracefully slip down the glass outside, largely ignoring the various conversations going on behind her. In fact, the only one to really notice Peridot’s revere initially was Steven as he finished toweling off, and, curious to see what she thought of her first experience with rain, he carefully approached her.

“So… that was fun, huh?” he asked, offering the green Gem an inviting smile.

“It was… something,” Peridot mused, her expression growing somewhat serious as she turned to the young Gem. For a moment, she said nothing, instead just seizing him up and down before slipping another brief glance over at the ending shower outside. “Hmmmm…. Ehhh….. errr…. Ummmm…. Sssteven?”

“Yeah?” Steven asked, rather surprised to hear Peridot call him just by his name without any “the” preceding it.

“I’m going to say something,” the green gem inhaled deep breath before speaking her sincere piece. “Thank you. Both of you,” she said, glancing over at Mabel as well.

“Aw, you’re welcome, Peri!” Mabel exclaimed cheerfully. “But uh… not to be rude or anything but… what are you thanking us for again?”

“For explaining this ‘rain’ business to me,” Peridot nodded, hands held behind her back. “It was… an enlightening experience.”

“Pfft, I don’t know why she’s thankin’ them when she wouldn’t have even been out there in the first place if it wasn’t for us,” Stan whispered to Amethyst rather dryly.

“Eh,” the purple Gem shrugged, unconcerned as she wrung her soaking hair out carelessly.

“Oh, no problem!” Steven chuckled as Mabel joined in a bit.

“Yes…” Peridot’s manner was still rather hard to read as she finally turned away from the window fully. “You two are both much more intelligent creatures than I initially thought. And certainly much more useful than those… clods…” She cast a somewhat disdainful glare towards Stan, Amethyst, and Dipper, making it quite clear that her sudden amicability towards Steven and Mabel didn’t extend to any of them.

“Oooooohhhh! Did ya hear that, bro-bro!?” Mabel exclaimed with a teasing grin as she threw an arm over Dipper’s shoulder. “Peri thinks I’m smarter than you! Guess that really does mean I’m the alpha twin after all, huh?”

“Please,” Dipper scoffed sullenly as he pulled away from his sister. “It doesn’t mean anything. In fact, its-”

“It means,” Peridot cut in quite pointedly. “Steven. Mabel. I’ve made up my mind.”

“About… what exactly?” Steven asked, taking a small step forward.

“I’ve decided to share some… information with you!”

“Aw, Peri, we already know you’ve been using Grunkle Stan’s toothbrush!” Mabel laughed with a wave of her hand.

“N-no…” the green Gem buffered before hesitantly backpedaling. “Well… yes.”

“I knew it!” Stan exclaimed hotly. “Guess that means I’ll have to start hiding that brush outta your reach, greenie. Fortunately for me, that shouldn’t be too hard since you’re so short.”

Peridot let out a low, aggravated grumble at this before resuming her former calm as she turned back to the curious pair in front of her. “Can we go somewhere else? I’d rather not divulge such important information in the company of your… unsavory accomplices…”

“Hey, anything you’re gonna say to them, you better say in front of us too,” Amethyst remarked, her hands on her hips.

“Yeah, Peridot, you can trust them, just like you can trust us!” Steven encouraged, prompting the green Gem on with a kind smile. A smile that, despite her many reservations, inevitably ended up being enough to make Peridot cave in on her silence completely.

“Ugh, fine,” she groaned, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “But what I say here does not leave this group. Because what I’m going to tell you all about… the Cluster.”

A collective gasp rose up from the others upon hearing this admittance, especially since none of them had expected Peridot to break her longstanding silence concerning the Cluster at all, especially not seemingly out of nowhere like this. Even so, Steven and Mabel couldn’t help but break out into excited smiles, knowing that, somehow or another, they were finally about to succeed in getting this coveted information in the first place. “You’ve cracked!” Steven exclaimed, amazed.

“I have not cracked!” Peridot gasped, appalled as she moved her hand up towards her gemstone. “As you can see, my Gem is perfectly unscathed!”

“No, Peri, he means that you finally decided to play nice!” Mabel grinned, grabbing the green Gem by both of her hands and spinning her around. “It sure took you long enough, we thought you’d never spill about the Cluster!”

“And apparently all it took was letting her stand out in the rain for a few seconds,” Dipper muttered, incredulous.

“Should’ve figured that something stupid like that would get her to talk,” Stan remarked just as sardonically.

“I could’ve sworn that coffee thing was gonna work first…” Amethyst added, just as baffled.

“Oh, speaking of coffee, I expect at least five entire pots of it as payment for delivering this exclusive intel about the Cluster to you all,” Peridot cut in succinctly, stepping in between Stan and Amethyst as they both sent her an annoyed glare. “But that can wait until after we get back.”

“Uh… back from where?” Steven asked.

“From the Prime Kindergarten, of course!” Peridot said as though it was obvious. “I can show you all you need to know about the Cluster, but that’s the only place I can do it. My arm attachments, my fingers, my screen, my log, its all gone! But all of my logs up to date 6-5-2 still exist, backed up in facet five of the Prime Kindergarten!”

“Whoa, hold on,” Dipper cut in, sending the green Gem a distrustful look. “Cluster or no Cluster, we are not letting you take us to the Kindergarten. For all we know, this could be some kind of trap so you can escape or-”

“Or she could be telling us the truth,” Steven interupted earnestly. “We’ll never know unless we find out.”

“Eh, call me crazy, but I’m actually down for a trip to the Kindergarten,” Amethyst shrugged, nonchalant. “But… we gotta wait until Garnet, Pearl, and Ford get back. Just cause I’d like to have a little backup on my side in case you try anything… sneaky.”

“No!” Peridot staunchly refuted upon hearing this. “I don’t want to talk to them! And we don’t need them anyway. All we need is to go to the Kindergarten so I can tell you about the Cluster and we can devise a way to properly deal with the threat that it poses to all of our lives! So…?”

A lengthy bout of silence passed as Peridot purposed this plea to Steven and Mabel in particular, not really caring about getting permission from any of the others. The pair exchanged something of an uncertain glance before they turned to the others, noting apathy from Stan, apprehension from Amethyst, and outright disapproval from Dipper, all from their expressions alone. And yet, despite that silent input, Steven and Mabel still knew that this was their choice to make and their choice alone. And fortunately, they both happened to reach the same exact choice at the same exact time.

“Hm… ok,” Steven said with an affirming nod. “We can go to the Kindergarten.”

“What?!” Dipper asked, baffled that they’d make such a risky choice. “You guys can’t be serious! We can’t just let her-”

“We can because they said yes, you Dipper,” Peridot remarked smugly as she pushed him out of the way. “A truly wise choice if I do say so myself.”

“Buuuut…” Mabel interjected, shaking her finger at the green Gem.

“No… a catch!” she groaned. “Fine! What are your demands?”

“Well first, you gotta promise you won’t try any of your sneaky shenanigans,” Mabel said with a hint of seriousness in her tone. “And…”

“And you’re gonna have to hold my hand the entire time!” Steven picked up where Mabel had left off, taking the green Gem’s hand.

“Ooo, yeah! That’s way better than what I was gonna come up with!” Mabel exclaimed, enthused. “I was just gonna tell her she can’t call any of us clods again until we get back.”

“Heh, like I’d ever agree to a term like that,” Peridot rolled her eyes. “Those other two are fine, but not being able to call you clods what you truly are? That’s simply out of the question. All the same, we should be on our way. Oh, and Amethyst… and… you…?” she said to Stan, clearly not remembering his name. “Don’t forget my coffee on the way out! I’ll need it in order to properly educate you on all things Cluster-related.”

“Ugh… so I guess we just gotta deal with this now, huh?” Amethyst asked as her and Stan took up the rear of the group heading out of the shack.

“Not if we give her decaf, we don’t,” Stan smirked discreetly, holding up a pot of said decaf.

“Oooo… now that’s what I call mean,” the purple Gem laughed, glad to be getting some sort of revenge on the haughty green Gem, even if it was in a rather small way. “I love it!”

The Kindergarten was just as solemn and silent as ever, even as the stalwart group of Gems, kids, and conman warped into it. Peridot’s exact purpose for bringing them there and how it all connected back to the Cluster was still largely unknown, and the green Gem refused to divulge anything further until she was able to access her logs. Which meant that the most any of them could do for now was follow Peridot, wherever she intended on leading them.

“This place just gets worse every time we come here…” Steven noted quietly as they began their voyage through the Kindergarten’s hallowed-out walls, his hand still linked with the green Gem’s.

“Tell me about it, kid,” Stan remarked, shuddering somewhat. “It’s like some sorta nightmare out of a horror flick. N-no offense, Amethyst.”

“Eh, I’m over it,” the purple Gem shrugged, unoffended.

“Well, it certainly is poorly managed,” Peridot spoke up, unenthused. “It must have been in way better shape when you first emerged, Steven.”

“…Emerged?” the young Gem asked, confused.

“Yeah, you’re some kind of quartz, right? You must have been made here, just like I’m guessing Amethyst was.”

“W-wha—how did you know-?” Amethyst attempted to ask before Peridot easily interupted her.

“Well, its rather obvious to deduce based on the functional purpose of this Kindergarten,” the green Gem shrugged. “If I had to guess, I’d say a majority of Earth quartzes were made here, including the two of you.”

“Pfft, come on, Peri, Steven wasn’t made here!” Mabel scoffed playfully.

“She’s right,” Steven nodded. “I came from my mom and dad.”

“Are those some kind of rocks?” Peridot asked, bewildered. “Or another planet?”

“Nope,” the young Gem chuckled as he lifted his shirt up to reveal his gemstone. “My dad is from Earth, but my mom was a Gem. See?”

“So… you’re some sort of… hybrid?” the green Gem’s confusion deepened at this. “How is that possible?”

“O-ok!” Dipper cut in, flustered by the implications of the inevitably incoming discussion. “Maybe we shouldn’t really get into all that right now. Or… ever.”

“Oh, nah, its ok, Dipper,” Steven smiled rather innocently. “I can explain it all in a sweet little two part story I like to call ‘the Ballad of Rose and Greg’.”

“I don’t care,” Peridot held up an unconcerned hand to stop the young Gem before he could say anything else. “What I am concerned with is how… stylistically displeasing these old Era 1 drills are.” The green Gem pointed over at a large, broken injector as they passed by it. “The newer ones have a much nicer finish.”

“Ugh, geez, kid, could you just stop bein’ a huge nerd for like… one minute? Is that too much to ask?” Stan remarked, exasperated.

“…What is ‘nerd’?” Peridot asked, unfamiliar with the concept. Of course, this confusion was more than enough to elicit amused snickers from both Stan and Amethyst, which only served to fill the green Gem with even more questions. “Can you use it in a sentence?”

“Ahem,” Amethyst cleared her throat as she turned to the green Gem. “Nerd. You are… a nerd! Ha!”

The pair broke down into a heavy outburst of laughter, and even Dipper couldn’t hold back a small chuckle at Peridot’s continued bafflement by the insult. Steven and Mabel, on the other hand, were not as amused. “Aw, come on, you guys, that isn’t very nice!” Mabel pouted as the others continued making fun of the increasingly aggravated green Gem.

“Maybe not, pumpkin, but its hilarious!” Stan laughed, slapping his knee from the humor of it all.

“Ugh… I don’t know why I’m even bothering to do this…” Peridot grumbled sourly to herself. “This planet is annoying and everything is annoying. Amongst its transgressions are the lowly humans running rampant everywhere with their overpowered elemental-based weapons and their retractable hook blasters and their irresistible stimulant nectar…”

“Hey! I feel like I’d be offended if I understood half of what you said,” Stan remarked, scowling down at the green Gem.

“Good, you were supposed to be because nothing on this puny planet of yours makes any sense!” Peridot huffed impatiently. “Like, for instance, the need for an Amethyst to take orders from a Pearl and a permafusion!”

“‘Permafusion?’” Amethyst asked, largely paying no mind to the first half of what the green Gem had said. “Is that what you call Garnet?”

“I could call her a lot of things,” the green Gem smirked haughtily. “I could call her… two things! Two clods! Walking around like she’s… one clod! Ha!” Peridot laughed and Amethyst joined in a bit, genuinely amused at the green Gem’s bizarre way of explaining things.

“What’s wrong with that?” Steven asked, not understanding what was so funny.

“She’s not even fame ighting!” Peridot scoffed, rolling her eyes. “She’s, you know, she’s just…” The green Gem pounded her fists together to emphasize her point, a point that none of the kids seemed to really get, even if Amethyst and Stan did to some extent. “You know!”

“Based on how lovey-dovey those two are every time they’re apart, yeah, we do know,” Stan snickered, joining in on the round of joking.

“Ha! You’re a real gem, Peri!” Amethyst added, slapping the green Gem on the back rather hard.

“Y-yes! I am… a Gem,” Peridot nodded in solid, proud agreement.

“Ok, ok,” the purple Gem continued, sobering up somewhat. “Do Steven next? And Dipper and Mabel too! What’s weird about them?”

“Come on, Amethyst,” Dipper groaned, not wanting to continue on with such a pointless conversation. “Do we really have to-”

“Oh, where do I even begin?!” Peridot interupted, stepping in between the kids. “First of all, he’s some sort of hybrid abomination,” she motioned over to Steven first, before glancing over at the twins. “Those two look bizarrely similar to each other to the point that I highly suspect they came out of the same exit hole!”

“Ohhhhh my gosh…” Dipper muttered, completely mortified as he face-palmed over the green Gem’s accidental faux pas. “Someone please make her stop!”

“Peri!” Mabel gasped, just as flustered. “I can’t believe you! Are we gonna have to wash that potty mouth of yours out with soap when we get home?”

“What? No,” Peridot scoffed, not seeing what was wrong with her previous statement. “I’m simply saying that I don’t understand how any of you organics function! You consume so much energy that you constantly have to feed, and you spend so much time expelling that you have a whole room dedicated to it!”

“Ah! N-no!” Steven cut in, also quite embarrassed at the subject matter, even as Stan and Amethyst continued taking great entertainment in it. “S-something else! Talk about something else!”

Fortunately, the green Gem finally did take pause, only to start chuckling herself upon seeing just how hard Amethyst in particular was laughing over the supposed ridiculousness of it all. “Heh, you know, the strangest thing, Amethyst,” she began, snickering lightly all the while. “Is that you think you have to listen to them! You’re the one who should be in charge!”

“Ha! That’s your best joke yet!” Amethyst sneered, clearly not believing it.

“Yeah, the only thing Amethyst should be in charge of is getting into trouble!” Stan added, elbowing the purple Gem playfully.

“Same for you, old guy!” Amethyst quipped, elbowing him right back.

“No, really,” Peridot said, shaking her head laughingly. “The Pearl is a pearl, the so-called ‘Garnet’ is a fusion, the rest of these clods are humans, I don’t even know what he’s supposed to be!” she pointed over at Steven, who was still quite bothered by the green Gem’s implications as she continued. “Amethyst, you’re the only Crystal Gem that’s actually a Gem!”

“Ah… what?” Amethyst asked, her laughter dying down somewhat.

“You outrank everyone on your team,” Peridot explained. “They should be listening to you! You’re a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you’re defective!”

The purple Gem’s smile faded altogether upon hearing this, concerned confusion replacing it. “D-defective?”

“Well, sure!” the green Gem exclaimed, as though it were obvious. “You’re small!”

“S-so?”

“Well, you’re not supposed to be!” Peridot scoffed, before letting out a gasp and running over to the nearby Kindergarten wall. “Wait, let me guess… This!” she pointed to the lowest hole, by far the smallest of them all and the most familiar to Amethyst. “This is the hole you came out of! Too small, too low… The exit marks look 500 years newer than every other hole. Hm… this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you’re supposed to look like!”

“Peridot…” Steven cut in cautiously, especially upon noticing the rather cross expressions both Amethyst as well as Stan were wearing in light of Peridot’s thoughtless remarks.

However, before he could advise the green Gem to stop, Amethyst put a hand on his shoulder and spoke, her voice low and borderline harsh. “What was I supposed to look like?”

“Well, you’re a quartz,” Peridot explained succinctly. “They’re huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size, at least. Broad shouldered, intimidating… But since you stayed in the ground too long, you don’t really look much like a quartz should at all.”

“Are you saying I’m wrong?” Amethyst hissed, glaring fiercely at the green Gem.

“Gemetically speaking… yes!” Peridot laughed haughtily, not even noticing the building tension all around her. “When you think about it, its all so… funny! Ha!”

The green Gem continued laughing, though clearly, she was the only one taking any sort of amusement in the matter. The kids all exchanged awkward glances, none of them quite sure of what to say. Amethyst simply glanced down sourly, her arms crossed as she cast a shame-filled glare at her own exit hole, begrudging the fact that, for whatever reason, she had stayed there too long, coming out flawed, defective, small as a result. And yet, out of all of them, Stan was the one to break the green Gem’s ill-conceived humor, grabbing her by the front of her uniform and hoisting her up to his level roughly.

“Take it back,” he growled, his tone fierce and formidable as he stared the startled green Gem down unrelentingly.

“Take what back?” Peridot asked, raising a confused eyebrow.

“What you just said about Amethyst,” Stan said, his manner still quite brutal. “Take it back, greenie, or else.”

“What? I was just stating facts,” the green Gem huffed. “She might as well know that she’s a defective Off-Color instead of running around, thinking that she came out right when she didn’t.”

“And what does any of that garbage matter, huh?!” Stan exclaimed hotly, shaking Peridot up a bit. “So what if she ‘didn’t come out right’? I’ve known her for a long time, and let me tell you something about her, greenie, that even a stupid brainiac like you wouldn’t know. She’s the best one of you Gems I’ve ever met, which is why I’m not gonna stand here and listen to someone like you put her down!” With this, the conman threw the green Gem to the ground, turning his nose up at her as he walked past her, not even noticing the stunned stares he was getting from Amethyst and the kids. “I suggest shutting that constantly-running trap of yours, kid. Before you end up saying something you really regret next time.”

A beat of silence passed at this as Amethyst cast another brief glance at the frightened Peridot before hurrying on ahead after Stan. “Hey, uh… thanks…” she muttered as she walked alongside him, still rather downcast all the same.

“Don’t mention it,” Stan said, not looking over at her as he kept his stern sights set ahead. “After all, I know a thing or two about being called a ‘defective’ screw-up too. Maybe not in those exact words, but still.”

“Heh,” Amethyst finally cracked a small, bitter smile at this. “Then I guess us defective screw-ups gotta stick together, huh?”

“Yeah,” the conman grinned himself, though there wasn’t much joy in it. “I guess we do.”

As this exchange happened just out of earshot, Peridot slowly picked herself up off the ground, still largely baffled as to exactly what had just happened. “I don’t get it. That was the incorrect response. None of you laughed, even though what I just said was ‘funny’. Why aren’t you laughing? Why isn’t she laughing!?”

“Maybe its because you’re actually not as funny as you think you are,” Dipper remarked coldly.

“…What?”

“Peridot, you really hurt Amethyst’s feelings just now,” Steven clarified. “And Mr. Pines is Amethyst’s really good friend, so in a way, you sort of hurt his feelings too.”

“How’d I do that?” Peridot asked. “Like I said, I was just saying what any certified Kindergartener worth their gem would clearly be able to see.”

“But it was mean, Peri,” Mabel frowned. “You don’t just go around telling people they’re short. Believe me, I learned that the hard way…” she muttered, exchanging a bit of a knowing glance with her brother.

“No way,” the green Gem shook her head. “I was being… ‘cool’. Amethyst loved it, obviously. Isn’t that right, Amethyst?!” she called over to the purple Gem, who simply glared over her shoulder at her before quickly, crossly looking away. “She… she won’t even speak to me… Its making me feel… smaller.”

“You feel bad!” Steven said firmly, wanting to make sure Peridot saw the error of her ways. “That’s how you made her feel.”

“W-well… who cares about how she feels!?” Peridot snapped forcefully, pretending as though it didn’t matter to her. “Who cares about any of you!? You’re all just rocks! Ruddy, muddy clumps beneath my gravity connectors!” With this, the green Gem let out a loud, vexed shout before she ultimately ended up tripping over a small rock on the ground, falling face first onto the ground. Her fit of anger continued in the form of muffled, frustrated screams into the ground as the kids all stood around her, waiting for her to calm down.

“Could you maybe wrap this little… temper tantrum up so you can tell us about the Cluster already?” Dipper asked dryly, trying to get things back on track. “Unless I was right and you really did bring us here for a trap-”

“I did not!” Peridot darted up sharply, still immensely irritated. “I brought us here to reveal the Cluster’s secrets to you, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, regardless of what Amethyst thinks! Now come on!” she began to march on ahead bitterly. “Let’s just hurry to the control room already and get all this over with…”

“I couldn’t agree more…” Dipper sighed tiredly, quite exhausted with the green Gem’s antics by now. Steven and Mabel both hung back for just a brief moment, exchanging a concerned glance over many things: the unknown secrets Peridot was about to divulge to them, the green Gem’s own lack of tact in interacting with just about everyone, and what the fallout could potentially be from it all in the end. Even so, they said nothing of their worries as they simply continued onward, hoping that their dread would be allayed somehow, when in reality… it would only grow in the moments to follow.

“S-so, are you sure this is safe?” Steven asked Peridot after an apprehensive silence. “The last time we were here, there were a bunch of fusion monsters…”

“Yes,” the green Gem nodded. “I was checking their progress.”

“Progress?” Mabel tilted her head on confusion. “What’s that mean?”

“They were unfinished examples,” Peridot said as the group finally arrived at the entrance of the Kindergarten’s underground control room, not wasting any time in descending down into it. “When it became clear that the Earth was no longer a viable colony, Homeworld decided to use it for something else. A series of experiments—a Gem geo-weapon.”

“Oh, did you help?” Steven asked, curious.

“Negative, I wasn’t lucky enough to be around for that,” Peridot said before cracking a bit of a proud grin. “But I read over a few hundred years of reports!”

“Ugh, can you just quit the nerd talk and tell us what this dumb thing is already, kid?” Stan asked impatiently as they finally made it to the prime control room, still as busted and broken as it had been before. “The sooner we get outta here, the better.”

“…Very well…” Peridot said somewhat sharply, heading over to the nearby wall so she could fiddle with some of the wiring within it. “Just have to put this over here and…. There!” Slowly, the control room buzzed back to light and life, even if its pallor was still somewhat dull due to the longstanding damage done to it. “It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for now.” With this, the green Gem walked over to the hand-shaped pedestal resting in the center of the room, though she soon let out a frustrated groan upon realizing she was too short to reach it. “Ugh! Come on!”

“What’s up, ‘dot?” Mabel asked, rather playfully as the others joined her.

“I can’t quite reach the-” Peridot was cut off as Steven easily hoisted her up onto his shoulders, giving her just the boost she needed to reach the pedestal.

“It’s ok to ask for help, you know,” the young Gem said with a soft smile.

“I had it,” the green Gem said stiffly.

“Pfft, who’s the ‘small’ one now?” Stan remarked to Amethyst, eliciting a small snort of cathartic laughter out of her.

All the same, Peridot largely ignored them as she activated the control panel, reducing the height of the pedestal down to her level. From there, she tapped around a bit, before finally locating the logs she was looking for. The walls of the control room were soon aglow with hundreds, if not thousands of images of combined gem shards, much like the kind the fusion mutants themselves were composed of.

“These are the early attempts at artificial fusion,” Peridot began to explain, her eyes trained on the files before her though everyone else was largely awestruck by what they were seeing.

“T-that’s… a lot of Gem shards…” Steven muttered, suddenly nervous.

“No wonder we’ve had to fight so many of those fusion monsters…” Dipper said, just as unnerved. “There must be hundreds of them!”

“Oh, there’s been far many than that,” Peridot informed succinctly. “We were growing them here at this very site, but these were just prototypes for the final product.”

“W-which is…?” Mabel trailed off, not entirely sure if she wanted to know.

The walls shifted to the image of the Earth itself, a large, amorphous marker hovering over land that couldn’t have been too far away from Gravity Falls. “A singular, giant, artificial fusion, comprised of millions of Gem shards: the Cluster.”

“What… the hell…?” Amethyst whispered almost inaudibly, her eyes huge with the implications of what Peridot had just said.

“P-Peridot… are you saying… there’s a giant, mutant Gem the size of the Earth buried under us right now?” Steven asked, shaken.

“Oh, no, when it forms it’ll be much bigger than the Earth,” Peridot said, moving the screen through the inevitable, destructive process that would soon unfold. “Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth’s core, but when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet.” With this, the model of the Cluster grew and grew inside the Earth, until, in almost no time at all, it burst forth from it, blasting the entire planet to pieces and leaving nothing behind in its horrific wake. A mere example of what would ultimately become of the planet itself if this monstrous mutant fusion was left unchecked.

The reaction to such alarming news was immediate and stark. Mabel covered her mouth to stifle a frightened gasp while Stan, Amethyst, and Steven all started at what little pieces were left of the destroyed model Earth on the screen, completely dumbstruck with shock over the immense danger that rested just beneath their feet. Dipper, however, only felt that shock for a mere moment before it quickly changed to rage towards the green Gem who had just revealed this unbearable truth to them.

“Are you serious?!” he asked harshly, quickly turning on Peridot with his hand practically resting on the hilt of his sword. “All this time, you knew that this… thing was just there in the center of the Earth, ready to destroy it at basically any moment and you weren’t going to tell us about it?!”

“Well, what did I care?” Peridot shrugged. “It’s not like this is my planet.”

“Well, you’re sure as heck standing on this planet right now, you idiot!” Stan snapped, joining his nephew in righteous fury about the green Gem withholding such important intel. “Which means that you’ll be just as dead as the rest of us when this thing blows it up from the inside out!”

“…I’ve… gathered that,” the green Gem surmised tightly. “And I completely understand the severity of the situation. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can’t get off this planet, then we’ve got to stop the Cluster instead.”

“Uh, and how are we gonna do that?” Amethyst spoke up curtly.

“I-I have an idea,” Peridot said defensively. “I thought it was impossible before, but now… we have a chance!”

“W-what is it?” Steven asked anxiously. His dread only grew as the green Gem suddenly gripped his shoulders, an ominous, almost manic smile filling her features.

“It’s you, Steven!” Peridot exclaimed brightly. “As well as you, Mabel. Now that you’re both filled in, we can get to work!”

The pair looked to each other with wide eyes, completely bewildered as Peridot began to lead the way up out of the control room. “Um, this might be a dumb question, I know, but… how exactly are me and Steven supposed to help?” Mabel asked fretfully, as they all hurried after the upbeat green Gem.

“Well, you both have all the information that we need about the Earth and its erratic behavior,” Peridot explained. “I suppose we could even garnish some assistance from those three,” she cast a brief glare over her shoulder at Dipper, Stan, and Amethyst. “But ideally, your intel will be the most instrumental by far. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster, and we just might be able to stop it!”

“N-no, Peridot, I don’t think you get it!” Steven interjected, grabbing the green Gem’s hand to stop her as they made it back to the surface. “Just because me and Mabel know how clouds work doesn’t mean we know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the Earth! Besides, the only reason why I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.”

“Yeah, and I know about it cause me and Dipper learned about it in school a super long time ago!” Mabel added just as intently.

“What are you talking about?” Peridot asked, now quite baffled herself.

“Look, I used to be really scared of thunderstorms,” Steven began. “Just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn’t scared anymore. I didn’t just know all about it right off the bat.”

“Well, I’m sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works,” the green Gem scoffed, annoyed with the kids’ hesitance to take up her plan.

“I mean, sure, we do, but none of that’s gonna help us against a big ol’ fusion monster like this!” Mabel insisted.

“If we really want to stop this Cluster thing, then the five of us won’t be enough to do it,” Dipper interestedly knowingly. “We’ll need someone who can actually help us do something about it. We need Great Uncle Ford, Pearl, and Garnet!”

“I really hate to say it, but the kid’s got a point,” Stan said, his hands on his hips. “Garnet, Pearl, and Ford may all be annoying know-it-alls, but that’s just it: they’re know-it-alls who would know how to deal with something crazy like this way better than I would.”

“I said I don’t need them!” Peridot snapped, resistant. “I didn’t even want to tell any of you about this because I knew that’s exactly what you’d say! Let’s just warp me back to the ‘bathroom’ or whatever you call it and we’ll take care of this! If it looks really bad, then we can just as this ‘dad’ or this ‘school’ for help, right?”

“Ugh, no, we can’t!” Amethyst exclaimed, thoroughly frustrated with the green Gem’s stubbornness. “We gotta stop this stupid thing the right way, which means we gotta-” The purple Gem was cut off by a sudden clamor not too far away from them, as rocks began to shift to give way to the fact that they weren’t as alone as they thought they were.

“Oh no! Gem mutants!” Steven gasped as a small group of various misshapen and mis-colored artificial fusions lumbered towards them. “Everyone, get behind me!” Stan and the twins were quick to do just that as the young Gem formed a sturdy bubble to protect them, though Peridot had been just a few seconds too late to rush over and join them. Amethyst, however, took the initiative, summoning her whip as she lashed out against the aggressive, mindless creatures, even though it was clear she was outnumbered as several of the mutants began to push their way past her. The purple Gem let out a startled gasp upon seeing this, quickly glancing behind her to see that a few of them had already begun pounding on Steven’s bubble violently. And yet, as distracted as she was, Amethyst didn’t even see one of the larger mutants rear up in front of her, ready to land a heavy, damaging blow.

Fortunately, however, Peridot did.

“Amethyst, look out!” the green Gem cried, garnishing the purple Gem’s attention just in time. But she didn’t stop there; for right before the large mutant could slam itself down onto Amethyst, Peridot leapt for her, pushing her clean out of its destructive path. The pair of Gems rolled a bit away from the action, though when they inevitably came to a stop, Peridot found herself resting right on top of Amethyst. Neither of them said anything for a tense, somewhat awkward, instead staring at each other in disbelief and what almost seemed like gratitude until Steven and the others hurriedly rolled the bubble over to them.

“Quick, get in!” Steven warned, dispelling the bubble for the briefest of moments to allow the Gems inside.

“Are you guys ok?” Mabel asked as Peridot quickly, frantically stood.

“I-it was an accident, I swear!” the green Gem exclaimed, her cheeks lighting up in a bright green blush.

“Uh… what was?” Dipper asked, confused.

“N-nothing!” Peridot huffed, even more flustered as she stole another brief glance over at Amethyst. “J-just… do something about these experiments!”

“We are doing something!” Steven protested, pressing against his bubble as the mutants began to converge on it again.

“Something useful!” the green Gem snapped. “Can’t you just destroy them?”

“N-not when there’s this many of them at once!” Dipper countered, gripping his sword tightly just in case the bubble did end up breaking. Which seemed like a very real possibility given how much pressure was being put upon it.

“I-its like we told you!” Steven implored anxiously, trying his hardest to protect them all when it was clearly a losing battle. “This is all we can do on our own!”

“T-then this is it!” Peridot gasped fearfully. “We’re finished!”

“Not yet you aren’t!”

A collective gasp of surprise and relief filled the bubble as Garnet’s steadfast voice echoed from a distance. And soon enough, the Gem leader made her appearance, slamming down onto a handful of mutants with her strong gauntlets, completely unphased. Pearl was close behind, swinging her spear at any creature in her path, dispelling their disjointed forms in graceful succession. Ford rounded off the trio as he came running after the white Gem, a futuristic blaster of his own design in hand as he opened fire on the mutants pressing against the bubble directly, clearing them out swiftly and easily.

“Pfft, what a bunch of showoffs,” Stan remarked, rolling his eyes at their rather dramatic entrance.

“For reals,” Amethyst added, hands on her hips. “Still… they… kinda couldn’t have shown up at a better time…”

“Peridot,” Steven turned to the green Gem as the battle outside the bubble began wrapping itself up. “There’s no way we can stop this Cluster thing on our own. We need the help of Mr. Ford and all three of the Crystal Gems.”

Peridot said nothing in response to this, instead opting to dubiously look past the young Gem and to the trio rescuing them and wondering, for the first time, if maybe, just maybe, he had a point after all.

“Steven! Dipper! Mabel!” Pearl exclaimed, immensely worried after the last of the mutants had been poofed. “Are you three alright?”

Before the kids had so much as a chance to respond, Ford stepped forward, his manner quite fierce as he sent his brother a disapproving glare. “Stanley, what in the world were you and Amethyst thinking letting the children come here, of all places, with her?!” he asked harshly, pointing down at Peridot.

“Hey! Don’t pin this on us!” Stan protested crossly. “She’s the little freak who insisted we all come out to this creep show!”

“Yes, I was,” Peridot said, genuinely accepting the blame.

“Oh no, you don’t, greenie, you’re not about to weasel your way outta-” the conman stopped short, looking down at the green Gem in genuine surprise. “Wait, what?”

“Peridot?” Amethyst asked quietly, also dumbfounded as Peridot boldly stepped up to the front of the group.

“What are you all even doing here?” Pearl asked, baffled.

“Kids, I thought I told you to watch her,” Garnet said, the slightest bit of disappointment in her tone.

“We know, but-” Steven cut himself off as Peridot held up a hand to stop him.

“…They did what they were told,” she began, her manner stiff and somewhat hesitant. “All of them did. I…” She paused, briefly looking back to the kids behind her before letting out a begrudging sigh and continuing on ahead. “Alright, listen up you clo—ugh… Crystal Gems… I’ve made up my mind. I have something to tell you about the Cluster.”

Needless to say that everyone was rather surprised by the green Gem’s relent as Ford and Pearl exchanged a silent, yet stunned gaze. Garnet, on the other hand, kept her usual calm composure, simply stepping out of the way to allow Peridot to lead the way back to the warp pad. “Then by all means,” she said simply, surprising everyone all the more.

“Y-you… can go on ahead,” the green Gem muttered anxiously as she stole a small glance over at Amethyst. “I have some… unfinished business to take care of.”

Garnet nodded in acceptance at this, moving on ahead as Pearl and Ford trailed behind her, muttering curiously to themselves as they wondered if Peridot really did intend on being sincere with her supposed revelations. Stan let out a bit of an annoyed sigh as he joined them, and while the kids and Amethyst began to follow, Peridot hesitantly spoke up to stop them.

“A-Amethyst, listen…” she began, not making eye contact with the purple Gem as she slowly turned to face her. “I… uh…”

“Just spit it out, ok?” Amethyst rolled her eyes, still making her aggravation with the green Gem’s earlier remarks about her quite clear.

“Ugh! Why are you Earth ones so difficult!?” Peridot groaned in severe frustration before she spoke her piece. “This entire planet is backwards! There hasn’t been even one instance of correct behavior exhibited by any one of you Crystal Gems! As far as I know, you’re all defective, every last one of you! But…” the green Gem sighed in shameful defeat, glancing down to the barren, rocky ground before her. “I am no better. I failed my mission, engaged in a taboo fusion with an insane being that wasn’t even a Gem, and now I suppose I’m working with the enemy! And I can’t even get that right! I have apparently ‘hurt’ your feelings, which was not my intention.”

Amethyst’s glare towards the green Gem softened up somewhat at this, but even so, she said nothing to interrupt Peridot as she continued in a much more solemn, respectful tone this time. “If I’ve damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I’ve made a serious mistake,” Peridot closed her eyes thoughtfully, remorsefully even. “I… I’m still learning. I hope you understand. I’m trying to understand. I’m… I’m sorry… so-”

“Aw, Peri!” Mabel interupted with a huge, delighted smile. “That was so sweet of you!”

“You really are learning!” Steven added, just as impressed.

“Ugh… that’s what I said, isn’t it?!” Peridot snapped, embarrassed.

“Hmph, yeah for a second or two, I almost thought you were actually being sincere about it all,” Dipper deadpanned with a wry smirk as he left to join the others, setting the already irked green Gem off even more.

“I was being sincere!” she exclaimed hotly, though she did back down as Amethyst spoke up.

“Peridot…” she began, her expression unreadable at first until she finally cracked a small, genuine smile. “Thanks.” A small, awkward smile spread across Peridot’s face as relief filled her, knowing that she had somehow managed to repair things between herself and Amethyst after all. Not that the purple Gem would ever let her settle in such a prideful thought for too long. “But you’re still a nerd,” she joked as she turned to walk away, though she did stop briefly to smile over her shoulder at the green Gem once more. “But… uh… you know… when we get back, maybe I’ll talk Stan into brewing you another pot of coffee. My treat.”

“YES!” Peridot gasped, stars of excitement in her eyes. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Pfft, calm down, man, its just coffee,” Amethyst chuckled. “Remind me to never let you try expresso. You’d probably explode or something.”

The purple Gem continued to laugh to herself as she went to go catch up with the others, leaving only Peridot, Steven, and Mabel behind in wake of the green Gem’s earnest apology. The silence between them didn’t last long however as Mabel suddenly caught Peridot up in an elated hug, not even bothering to hide her excitement whatsoever. “Seriously, Peri, that was so nice of you! I guess you really do like us after all, huh?”

“Ugh, I do not,” Peridot huffed as she pushed the girl away and crossed her arms. “I-I simply found it to be tactful if I made peace with Amethyst. F-for… strategic purposes!”

“Yeah, sure strategic,” Mabel grinned, not believing her for a moment. “If that strategy was making friends, then you’re doing a great job at it! You’ve already come so far today alone with telling us about the whole Cluster thing and everything! Who knows? Maybe someday you’ll end up being a Crystal Gem too!”

“Please,” the green Gem scoffed in disgust. “Its bad enough I have to associate myself with those clods. The thought of actually joining them is… augh, its too much to even bear!”

“Well, hey, you never know,” Steven said with a small, proud smile. “So… after all that, how do you feel now?”

Peridot paused, glancing up towards Amethyst afar in the distance before looking down to herself once more. The green Gem didn’t know how to explain it based on anything she had experienced before, but she knew. Something was beginning here. Something that would change her life more than she ever thought possible in ways she could have never even imagined. Which was why her voice was soft and subdued as she offered her answer, wondering exactly where this new tenuous alliance between herself and her now-former enemies would end up taking her next. “…Big.”

#jen writes #universe falls #gravity falls #steven universe #crossover #fanfic #steven #peridot #stan #amethyst #dipper #mabel #garnet #pearl #ford #to con a clod #too far #when it rains #keyword is kindergarten

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orbemnews · 3 years ago

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How Food Trucks Endured and Succeeded During the Pandemic This article is part of Owning the Future, a series on how small businesses across the country have been effected by the pandemic. The Covid pandemic hit California hard. It has seen well over 3.5 million cases and over 60,000 deaths. Scores of businesses have closed. But for Ana Jimenez the owner of Tacos El Jerry, a small fleet of food trucks in Santa Cruz County, it provided an opportunity to bring her business into the 21st century. Ms. Jimenez’s four trucks began taking orders through an app and a website, delivering directly to customers, and cultivating a customer base through a new social media presence. All of that added up to a significant increase in sales. “Our business grew,” said Ms. Jimenez, 50. “We even added a new truck. Credit goes to my son, Jerry, who is 23. We didn’t have anything on social media. He said, ‘we’re going digital on all of this, Mom.’” Half of her orders are now placed online, she said. Ms. Jimenez’s son created Facebook and Instagram pages for the food trucks, a social media advertising campaign and began accepting credit card purchases. “Each truck is now serving around 300 people per day, which translates to roughly $5,000 in sales daily,” Ms. Jimenez said. Food trucks — kitchens on wheels, essentially — are flexible by design and quickly became a substitute during the pandemic for customers who couldn’t dine indoors and coveted something different than their mainstream carryout options. That, in turn, has delivered a new client base to add on to an existing cadre of loyal followers. In a very real sense, food trucks are vehicles for equality in the post-pandemic world. “While the pandemic has certainly hurt the majority of small businesses, it has also pushed many to be more innovative by looking for new revenue streams and ways to reach customers,” said Kimberly A. Eddleston, a professor of entrepreneurship and innovation at Northeastern University. Like Ms. Jimenez, some businesses have “focused on ways to maintain their customer base by, for example, delivering products directly to customers,” Prof. Eddleston said. “While others have created products and services that attract new customers.” Luke Cypher, 34, for instance, expanded the already eclectic selections at his Blue Sparrow food trucks in Pittsburgh, adding pizza, four-packs of local beer, gift cards and five-ounce bottles of housemade hot sauce. Mr. Cypher’s main fare since he hit the streets in 2016 has been global street food. His menu carries a heavy Asian inspiration. There’s made-from-scratch kimchi on the menu daily. Dishes can include rice bowls, Vietnamese banh mi, falafel burritos, and a burger made with a ramen bun. During the pandemic, Mr. Cypher’s business took a hit when 24 festivals and over a dozen weddings where he was booked were canceled. “I switched gears to keep things as lean as possible,” Mr. Cypher said. He temporarily shut down a second food truck — a retrofitted 35-foot, 1956 Greyhound bus that he used for the big parties — and introduced a website to interact with his customers and an online ordering system for his smaller truck, which he usually parked at a neighborhood brewery. “I switched the menu to focus on soups, noodles, burritos and pressed sandwiches, so that the things that we were handing our customers would make it home and still be a good experience after they opened up the bag and took it out,” he said. Today in Business Updated May 21, 2021, 3:55 p.m. ET And he began to make and sell pizza one day a week at the kitchen where he used to do his prep work for the trucks before the pandemic. (The pizza, too, has an international flair: a banh mi pie, for example, made with pork or tofu, miso garlic sauce, mozzarella, pickled carrots, cucumbers, and cilantro.) Customers can order and pay online or by phone and schedule a time to pick up; they receive a text or an email when their order is ready. The kitchen “was already in place, so we turned around and said, well, what can we offer our customers in this unknown time that would be comforting,” Mr. Cypher said. “We had a wood-fired oven there that we use for bread baking, but basically it wasn’t being utilized.” Before the pandemic, Mr. Cypher was serving roughly 1,500 customers a week from his food truck. A weekly festival on weekends, with 5,000 people stopping by the bus, of course, ramped up that number. “The cool part is I was able to stay afloat because, unlike a restaurant with traditional seating, it was just myself, my sous-chef and his wife, who worked part-time,” he said. “We ended up serving roughly a hundred people a day, four or five days a week. So it wasn’t the numbers that we did before, but our lights were able to stay on because we had reduced a lot of costs that we had involved in running multiple rigs.” Mr. Cypher, however, opted not to use delivery apps like Uber Eats or Grub Hub. “I don’t want to hand my food off to somebody else,” he said. “If we weren’t going to have the one-on-one conversations with our customers, we were at least going to give it to them directly.” And like Tacos El Jerry, social media became a huge part of his marketing platform. “The pictures that we take and post on Instagram and Facebook let people feel like they’re a part of our truck family,” Mr. Cypher said. “Food trucks were well-equipped to withstand pandemic restrictions, as they’re naturally to-go and socially distanced businesses,” said Luz Urrutia, chief executive of Accion Opportunity Fund, a nonprofit organization providing small-business owners with access to capital, networks and coaching. “Many food truck owners stepped forward to seize opportunity during a time of great uncertainty,” she said. As Pittsburgh emerges from the pandemic, Mr. Cypher is adding a twist at his kitchen location. “We have licensing to offer beer on draft from our local breweries, so we’re going to have a small beer garden,” he said. “And that’s a revenue stream that we’re going to kind of lean into that we probably never would have done if not for Covid.” In 2020, Mr. Cypher’s food trucks had $200,000 in gross sales, down about 40 percent from the previous year, he said. “But with the new offerings, more efficiency and only running one rig, we were actually able to net enough to keep the business moving forward,” he said. “This year we’re already up about 30 percent from where we were at last year at this time.” For Ronicca Whaley, the chef behind the St. Petersburg, Fla.-based truck Shiso Crispy, timing was much tricker: she opened her first truck in November 2019, just a few months before the pandemic. And yet Ms. Whaley, 35, who offers handmade gyozas, bao buns and their signature dish, dirty rice, now has two trucks because of a strategy of regularly parking in certain neighborhoods and offering discounted and free meals outside a nearby Ronald McDonald House. (She added the second truck in January.) One challenge: “The internet here is shoddy. And cellphone service in different areas out here just doesn’t work,” she said. “During the height of the pandemic, I was consistently losing two or more transactions at my point of sale every shift.” Luckily, she was offered a special initiative for small business owners by Verizon Business: a year of complimentary connectivity and a 5G iPhone, as well as tools such as the Clover Flex point of sale program for touchless transactions. “It has digitally transformed my business,” Ms. Whaley said. She also signed on to an app, called Best Food Trucks, that allows customers near her to pre-order once they know her location for the day. “The inextricably connected stories of food trucks and Covid are a perfect microcosm of the undeniable reality that women, immigrants and people of color, historically relegated to the edges of the economy, are actually the foundation upon which the next economy must be built,” said Nathalie Molina Niño, author of “Leapfrog: The New Revolution for Women Entrepreneurs.” But the silver lining from the pandemic for some operators is more personal — including bringing families together. “I have a ton of wisdom about how to operate food trucks and cooking,” Ms. Jimenez said. “It’s the coming together of the generations that made the business stronger now and for the future.” Source link Orbem News #Endured #Food #Pandemic #Succeeded #trucks

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thecourtreportersportedjorts · 7 years ago

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Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017

In December of each year, Billboard publishes its list of the 100 biggest hit songs of the last 12 months. In response, I take it upon myself to decide which of these songs were the real hits, and which were the biggest misses. As always, I’m starting with the worst. Let’s get started:

10. “Do Re Mi” by Blackbear

If you’ve read my earlier lists, I’ve made it no secret that I’m a big fan of The Weeknd. I’ve been enjoying his relentlessly bleak brand of R&B for years, so I was more than ready to celebrate his ascent on the pop charts with multiple spots on my Best Hit Songs lists in 2015 and 2016. Apart from choosing “Can’t Feel My Face” over Taylor Swift’s incomparable “Style” as my favorite hit song of 2015, I stand by all of it. Unfortunately, any great, successful artist is bound to generate a wave of cut-rate imitators, and thus we now have to deal with blackbear.

When blackbear first appeared on the Billboard Hot 100 last spring, I probably had the same reaction as anyone previously uninitiated: who the hell is this? Prior to this year, the rising R&B singer-songwriter had written and produced for such personality vacuums as G-Eazy and Machine Gun Kelly. He also co-wrote “Boyfriend,” one of Justin Bieber’s biggest and most embarrassing singles to date. If any of that suggests that his breakout single “Do Re Mi” would be a noxious whinge replete with countless fuckboy-isms, you’d only wish it were that good.

Blackbear unfortunately goes the extra mile, topping off his insufferable whining at his “crazy” ex with a failed attempt at wit. “Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin’ done with you,” the chorus taunts, which becomes awkward when you notice that he’s singing up a minor scale, and the minor solfege progression is do, re, ME, FE, etc. All this is accompanied by a perfunctory Gucci Mane feature and a chord progression that’s eerily similar to The Weeknd’s “Wicked Games,” which is where my issues with the song clicked: when Abel made songs like this, he at least had the good sense not to cast himself in the moral high ground or center his hooks around laughable wordplay. And I thought Bryson Tiller was bad.

9. “Believer” by Imagine Dragons

I’ve been writing these lists for five years now, and while I wouldn’t say that my music taste has changed dramatically since then, it’s certainly expanded enough that I could rewrite my Best Hit Songs lists from 4 or 5 years ago and include songs that weren’t even on my radar before. With that said, doing this for such a long time leads you to wonder if you were ever too quick to heap praise onto something that ultimately didn’t deserve it. And while I wouldn’t say I suddenly dislike any of the songs Imagine Dragons landed on my previous lists, I can no longer call myself a fan when they keep churning out crap like this.

I first mentioned Imagine Dragons in 2012, when I saw them as an innovative new force in rock music, alongside the likes of Gotye and fun. While Gotye still hasn’t followed up his album Making Mirrors, and fun. guitarist Jack Antonoff has made even better music with his Bleachers project, Imagine Dragons doubled down on their stadium-ready sound to diminishing returns. After the sophomore slump Smoke + Mirrors failed to produce major hits, they somehow managed to notch one of their biggest successes yet with “Believer,” a dreary, un-catchy slog of a song.

There are a lot of things that I find deeply annoying about “Believer,” like singer Dan Reynolds audibly straining his vocals on a flat hook, the utterly dour and depressing music backing what should be an uplifting (if not esoteric) set of lyrics, or the “first things first” lyrical structure that gives me Iggy Azalea flashbacks. But my biggest problem with Imagine Dragons in 2017 is that their songs seem entirely calculated to fit into trailers and commercials, and I’ve heard “Believer” in these spaces far more than anything more organic. I don’t believe that rock is inherently more valuable or authentic than pop, rap, etc., but it has no chance of being so if this is the way “rock” is represented in the mainstream.

8. “Tunnel Vision” by Kodak Black

If there is a theme to my lists this year, it’s that content doesn’t exist without context. 2017 has seen countless powerful men rightfully fall from grace as allegations of sexual assault and harassment continue to come out of the woodwork. As somebody who loves to share music, this puts me in an interesting position. Was I right to top my Best Hit Songs of 2014 with “Do What U Want,” Lady Gaga’s infamous collaboration with R. Kelly? Can I, in good conscience, still call Brand New’s Science Fiction one of the best albums on the year? Despite my own investment in this music, I have to second guess whether or not I can actively recommend any of it when such information is readily available. These are tough questions, but at least I don’t have to ask them here since I never liked Kodak Black in the first place.

Horrific legal charges aside, I never understood the appeal of Kodak’s music. Sure, he may choose solid beats once in a while, and he may speak on the gritty realities of the street life, but so many other rappers have done so by using a more intelligible and far less grating voice. So many other rappers have done so without resorting to tired, juvenile punchlines like “That money make me cum, it make me fornicate / I’m the shit, I need some toilet paper.” And so many other rappers at least know that “winning” doesn’t rhyme with “penitentiary.”

Even if you somehow liked this song and wanted badly to separate the art from the artist, you can’t really do that in this case. The edited line “I get any girl I want, any girl I want” originally ended with “I don’t gotta rape,” which is eventually followed by “I need a bitch who gon’ cooperate.” YIKES. The only reason this song is so low on this list is because the beat, provided by the ubiquitous Metro Boomin, deserves so much better. Metro, please stick to working with Future and Migos and stay away from this little shit.

7. “Bad Things” by Machine Gun Kelly feat. Camila Cabello

Overall, I considered 2016 to be a pretty weak year for the pop charts. It’s not that everything was terrible that year, but I remember struggling to put together both of these lists because I was so indifferent to most of the hits. Still, one of the most damning trends to dominate the year was the rise of mediocre white rappers. Both Gnash and Post Malone ranked high on my Worst list, and I probably should have included G-Eazy’s tedious “Me, Myself & I” as a dishonorable mention. This trend hasn’t entirely disappeared, as Malone had a surprisingly successful 2017, but it really should have ended with Machine Gun Kelly.

The first of the many bad things about “Bad Things” is the generous sample of Fastball’s 1999 hit song “Out of My Head.” I already have reservations about songs with such recognizable samples - even in songs like “Anaconda” that I otherwise like - and this is no exception, since the sample doesn’t really add any personality or texture to the song. The chorus just gets witlessly rewritten and clumsily regurgitated by Camila Cabello, who only sounds slightly less like a goat than she did on “Work From Home.” Of course, the song also borrows Fastball’s chord progression, which sounds like ass when paired with this Marshmello-lite production.

Even worse is MGK, who’s trying his damnedest to sound like the personification of white alpha male posturing. The only time his delivery suits the track is when he attempts to add a melody in the pre-chorus, and even then it results in serious tonal whiplash. There’s also a baffling R.E.M. reference in his second verse, as if desecrating one 90’s alternative rock band wasn’t enough. I would call the title of the song truth in advertising, but it’s more of an understatement.

6. “Swang” by Rae Sremmurd

I first discussed Rae Sremmurd in 2015 when “No Type” made the #9 spot on my Worst list. And while I still stand by the song’s inclusion, I don’t have much against these guys. Sure, SremmLife had more misses than hits - including the milk-aged, deeply regrettable “Up Like Trump” - but I can take solace in that they earned their biggest success with “Black Beatles,” their best song. On top of that, collaborations with French Montana and Jhene Aiko could position Swae Lee as a breakout solo star with a charismatic (if amateurish) vocal presence.

It’s for that exact reason why “Swang” is such a failure. Critics have routinely praised the duo for their infectious energy, but for the duration of the song, very little of that energy really translates. The production from P-Nazty trades the thunderous, off-kilter synths that made “Black Beatles” so invigorating for something much more warbly, cheap and lifeless. Swae Lee spends the majority of his time droning on words like Alaska Thunderfuck on quaaludes, and by the time Slim Jxmmi attempts to liven things up, it’s too little too late.

“Swang” isn’t an entirely sleepy affair, however. The track has one truly memorable trick up its sleeve - and that’s when Swae leaps into his falsetto during the hook. And it sounds hideous. It’s not quite as ear-splittingly awful as the drop on “Starving” last year, but it doesn’t even have that song’s sense of momentum. It almost sounds like the shower scene from Psycho, only without any real buildup leading to the aural carnage.

5. “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran

Overplay doesn’t tend to factor into my selections for these lists, a fact which is evident when you see that my Best list for 2015 included songs like “Hello” and “Shut Up and Dance.” This is because I don’t listen to the radio or randomized pop playlists very frequently. I’ll seek out the most popular songs once, and whether or not I keep hearing the song usually depends on how much I like it. That said, sometimes a song becomes inescapable, and the more you hear it, you notice more and more problems with it.

This takes us conveniently to “Shape of You,” Ed Sheeran’s first ever #1 single on the Hot 100. Admittedly, I thought this song was decent at first, and so I’d listen to it once in a while when I needed to scratch the itch. But when I decided I was done with it after a few weeks, I started hearing it pretty much everywhere, and then it clicked: this song is incredibly stupid.

First of all, Ed Sheeran is somewhere among the final few names on my hypothetical list of people I want to hear making songs about sex. “Shape of You” is certainly more competent than I’d imagine a sex song would be coming from Danny DeVito, but it’s also weirdly lacking in personality, which makes sense since he didn’t write this with himself in mind. Like “Cheap Thrills” last year, “Shape of You” was originally intended for Rihanna, who’s probably getting annoyed by all these white songwriters trying to pitch her such watered-down, vaguely Caribbean sounding pop tunes.

Of course, I could just be wishing that the song lacked personality, because Ed can’t resist using his same Sheeranisms that have soiled so many of his stabs at pop. In addition to an out-of-place Van Morrison shoutout (which he couldn’t even confine to one song), the song has a host of clumsy, overwritten lyrics. “Your love was handmade for somebody like me.” “We talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour.” That whole chorus. “Shape of You” scans as an OkCupid message from a dude with no social skills. Now imagine getting that same message about 500 more times, and you’ve got one of the most overplayed trainwrecks in recent memory.

4. “Don’t Wanna Know” by Maroon 5 feat. Kendrick Lamar / “Cold” by Maroon 5 feat. Future

For this entry on the list, I’ll be doing something different - I’m giving it to two songs. Sure, this is occasionally done as an excuse to avoid making a concrete decision, but there’s a genuine reason this time. The songs in question are “Don’t Wanna Know” and “Cold,” both by rock band-turned-space-wasters Maroon 5. These two songs are essentially minor variations on each other, and all the more evidence that Adam Levine and his producers band need to go away.

“Don’t Wanna Know” was released late last year, while the charts were still saturated with so much half-assed tropical house. The lyrics feature Levine at his most petulant and unlikeable, harping on an ex so much that the characteristically repetitive chorus just sounds more like a failed defense mechanism. As awful as all this is, it’s nothing compared to the fact that these guys managed to rope in Kendrick Lamar - arguably one of the most important and talented artists of this decade - and make him suck. It’s a brief 8-bar verse, and yet half of the bars feature words rhyming with each other. There’s one thing I do wanna know after hearing this dreck - what Kendrick’s paycheck looked like.

Oh-so-cleverly released on Valentine’s Day this year, “Cold” effectively treads the same water as the other song. It’s more turgid tropical bullshit, only at a slighter quicker tempo. The lyrics are even more bitter, bordering on misogynistic at points. Another A-list rapper features, but this time, it’s Future, and while his verse is pretty average by his own standards, he sounds incredibly uncomfortable over this beat. Nothing about this song disappoints me as much Kendrick’s verse on “Don’t Wanna Know,” but it might be slightly worse by virtue of being more of the same.

Both of these songs were released well before their cluelessly titled album Red Pill Blues was even announced, and they were formally left off the standard track listing. Still, because of their chart success, they were included on the deluxe edition of the album, if only to represent the death of tropical house as a viable trend and an enjoyable sound in pop. And, of course, the death of Maroon 5 as anything resembling an actual band.

3. “JuJu on that Beat (TZ Anthem)” by Zay Hilfigerrr and Zayion McCall

Since Billboard first put a greater emphasis on streaming in their calculations, it’s been interesting to see how songs perform on the charts. As a whole, album tracks chart longer than ever, and the last two years have seen such unexpected chart-toppers like “Panda” and “Bodak Yellow” thanks to the popularity of hip-hop on streaming services. Unfortunately, this also means that songs are also more likely to become genuine hits off of viral novelty than quality. It happened with the execrable “Watch Me” in 2015, and it nearly two years later, it happened with “Juju on That Beat.”

In retrospect, I may have been a little too hard on “Watch Me” when I named it the second worst song of 2015. I mean, we were still in the middle of Meghan Trainor’s window of relevance when it came out, and 2017 has seen rappers draw even more attention to their distinctive ad-libs. “Watch Me,” while still pretty grating, seems quaint and harmless now. The same can’t be said about “Juju on That Beat,” which is just as annoying and insulting to the intelligence as it was a year ago.

Let’s start with “That Beat,” which is lifted wholesale from Crime Mob’s crunk staple “Knuck If You Buck.” Forget what I said about the “Out of My Head” sample in “Bad Things,” this is particularly lazy. While rappers have used pre-existing beats in the past, this is clearly a dance song. Aren’t dance songs were supposed to have a unique musical identity to make up for inconsequential lyrics? The only audible difference is that the beat is transposed to a higher key, which makes sense if it’s meant to suit aspiring one hit wonders Zay Hilfigerrr and Zayion McCall’s more youthful voices.

It’s too bad that their voices still don’t sound remotely good. Hilfigerrr (not that the name matters) is particularly irritating, his out-of-breath yelps cracking like his balls just dropped mid-recording. And while I may have critiqued “Watch Me” for lacking actual rap verses, maybe it was for the better, as the other guy attempts to freestyle, only rhyming the first two of his eight bars and dropping such gems as “if I compared me and you, there wouldn’t be no comparings.” The only good thing about this song is that it’s mercifully short, perhaps the shortest hit song of 2017 that wasn’t by XXXTentacion or Lil Pump. By comparison, “Watch Me” is a masterpiece in minimalism.

2. “Say You Won’t Let Go” by James Arthur

I’m pretty sure my decision to name “Treat You Better” the worst song of 2016 might have been strange for some. Sure, I’ve seen the song on several similar lists (including one that has it in the same position), but the general public actually seems to enjoy the song a lot. Maybe that has to do with the fact that the music is so blandly inoffensive that most people wouldn’t bat an eye at the content. But apart from the patronizing lyrics and the laughable singing, that was part of my problem. White-guy-with-acoustic-guitar songs tend to piss me off because they’re churned out by dudes with aspirations to Real Musicianship whose compositional skills are limited, so the lyrics tend to be transparent in their douchebaggery. And while very, very few things are as bad as “Treat You Better,” James Arthur’s “Say You Won’t Let Go” fits this mold to a T.

As with seemingly all music this year, some context is necessary. James Arthur won The X Factor in 2012 (which should tell you everything about this guy’s musical persona) before signing to Simon Cowell’s Syco Records imprint and eventually releasing songs in which he used homophobic and Islamophobic insults and compared himself to a terrorist. He left Syco in 2014, but two years later, he released Back from the Edge, an album whose title practically begs for sympathy for his lack of a filter. “Say You Won’t Let Go” was the immensely successful lead single, which somehow lasted on the Hot 100 for a full year.

Perhaps knowing all this before hearing the song colored my distaste for “Say You Won’t Let Go” from the jump, but I think this song is fucking terrible. Over acoustic strumming and an infinitely recycled chord progression, Arthur recounts when he first met the love of his life, including a deeply unflattering line where she vomits (again with that filter!). The rest of the song delves into the same territory that Ed Sheeran already exhausted with “Thinking Out Loud,” and the whole thing just scans as incredibly disingenuous coming from him. Hell, he even describes the song as “really calculated” in his annotations on Genius.

Truthfully, the content and the context are the least unpleasant things about this song. James Arthur nearly mumbles through the verses before bringing his voice up another octave for the chorus, which sounds like a drunken bro singing “You’re Beautiful” at Karaoke. A lot of people have praised his vocals, but I might just hate them even more than “Swang” because at least Swae Lee sounded like he was enjoying himself. James just sounds ready to throw up, which is probably karma at work after that lyric in the first verse (not to mention pretty much anything this guy has said that put him at the edge in the first place).

Before I unveil my pick for the worst hit song of 2017, here are eight dishonorable mentions:

“Chained to the Rhythm” by Katy Perry feat. Skip Marley: 2017 was not a good year for Katy Perry, whose self-awareness seems to be diminishing with each album cycle. “Chained to the Rhythm” was the ever-so-obviously co-written by Sia lead single, which boasts an extremely out-of-place guest verse from Bob Marley’s grandson and perhaps one of the clumsiest hooks of the entire year.

“Thunder” by Imagine Dragons: At least “Chained to the Rhythm” had an actual hook, not just chipmunked repetitions of a single word. Because it’s an Imagine Dragons song in 2017, it’s also padded out a with a trap beat, more vague nothings in the verses and grossly manipulated vocals in place of any actual instrumental tones.

“Mercy” by Shawn Mendes: It’s nowhere near as condescending and misogynistic as “Treat You Better,” but it’s every bit as whiny and overwrought, even sharing the same warbled vocals incessant drum beat. Really, it’s a damn shame he didn’t actually drown in the music video.

“Drowning” by A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie feat. Kodak Black: Speaking of drowning, isn’t a song with this title and these piano chords supposed to be about something more interesting than bragging about jewelry? Also, an accused rapist shows up to mumble and make awful jokes about farts. Let’s move on.

“Look at Me!” by XXXTentacion: Oh yeah, there was also this guy, who’s been accused of some extremely disturbing stuff (seriously, trigger warning). I can appreciate some more aggression in the beat and even X’s flow, but the distortion makes everything nearly incomprehensible, which is probably alright since the lyrics amount to little more than edgelord crap. Fuck this.

“Down” by Marian Hill: “Down” doesn’t really have any personality to speak of, driven almost entirely by a woman’s breathy voice, which later gets manipulated into a boilerplate trap beat. Seriously, what is it about this kind of pretentious “indie” pop wallpaper that attracts such an audience?

“Issues” by Julia Michaels: I’ve talked a lot of shit about Julia Michaels and her frequent collaborator Justin Tranter in the past, but “Issues” is actually a pretty compelling exploration of mental health and relationships, and Julia is a distinctive vocalist in her own right. Unfortunately, the song does have issues, and one of them is how bad it needs to pick up the goddamn pace.

“All Time Low” by Jon Bellion: Jon Bellion has a lot of potential as a songwriter and producer, but his vocals sound a lot like Adam Young with slightly more testosterone. The lyric about masturbation is questionable too, but I simply can’t hear that chorus without thinking of this video.

And now, for what I consider worst hit song of 2017:

1. “Body Like a Back Road” by Sam Hunt

Choosing between this and “Say You Won’t Let Go” for the bottom slot on my list was admittedly much harder than usual, but the decision ultimately came down to one thing. Sure, James Arthur’s song disgusts me on a very primal level, to a point where I can’t really listen to the chorus without wincing. But would the song really bother me that much if Arthur weren’t a total dick with a horrific voice? Probably not. Thus, I had to choose a song that was so unequivocally bad that literally nobody could make it work. I had to choose a song in which the awfulness was spelled out right in the title: “Body Like a Back Road.”

Before we open the can of worms that is this song, one thing needs to be addressed. Yes, this is a bro-country song. In 2017. I could maybe see the appeal if this were released in 2014, which was not only the saturation point for this embarrassing subgenre, but also for the DJ Mustard production style that this song clearly takes its influence from. But in 2017, country music has thankfully been working back towards a more organic sound, and DJ Mustard has been replaced by guys like Metro Boomin and Mike Will Made It as hip-hop’s guiding hand. From the word “go,” this song is dated and lame.

Of course, lame is a huge understatement for the lyrical content. You can infer a lot of things from the title alone, and it’s even worse than you might expect. Sam Hunt seems to dedicate this song to his fiancee, which is perhaps one of the most misconceived gifts imaginable. For fuck’s sake, Sam, you’re a country singer. It’s par the course that you’ve been on a back road before, you should know damn well that this comparison is insulting. As if that weren’t bad enough, he attempts to elaborate, waxing unpoetic about her “curves” (a word he draws out in a particularly grating manner) and how the two of them “go way back like Cadillac seats.” While the imagery is more consistent than Train’s abominable “Drive By,” it’s just as gross.

But really, the most egregious crime “Body Like a Back Road” commits is just flat-out sounding like ass. Hip-hop and country don’t exactly have a lot of aesthetic common ground to begin with, so when the rap producer this guy attempts to emulate is DJ Mustard, the whole track ends up sounding as cheap and awkward as his early abortions like “Rack City.” There’s also the weirdly lightweight live drums, not to mention whatever the hell is playing that melody in the intro and bridge. The whole song is so out of touch with the times that I’m convinced it wasn’t just a Montevallo demo. Sadly, it seems the bro-country trend never really went away, and maybe it still has legs to stand on (legs that, at some point, it’ll probably try to compare to the confederate flag or something). But last year proved that mainstream country can be so much better than this, so let’s just hope that this subgenre finally dies for real this time.

Thanks for reading my list, I should be uploading the Best Hit Songs of 2017 later this week!

#billboard #pop music #pop #opinions #long post #year-end hot 100 #billboard year-end hot 100 singles of 2017 #2017 #worst of 2017 #year-end #not tagging the artists cause while i don't respect these songs i do respect the people who enjoy them #carson's writing

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