#i know so many people have had terrible experiences and that's awful but sometimes. medicine can help people. let's not discourage people

[thefabelmans2022]

so much respect for the adhd people who don't take medication because they feel like it makes them not feel like them or dulls their sparkle or w/e but i can't relate at AAAALLLL. i can't do anything without my meds, i struggle so much with motivation and for me the best thing the meds do is just getting me started doing what i need to do. they streamline my thoughts it's like my brain is the ocean in finding nemo and there's clownfish and jellyfish and dory and schools of salmon and sharks and boats and they're all talking over each other all at the same time and not getting anywhere and then the meds are the east australian current that puts them on a simple path to where they need to go. it's so good.

[fumiku]

Kabrinmickuro Tinder AU

Imagine Mickbell with a tinder profile.

The AU has a Mickrin focus but there are kabrinmick and kurokabu shenanigans happening on the side so this is the schedule this is the situation buckle up, have the tangled mess that is their quartet

Ok so. Tinder AU. His tinder profile is terrible ofc and she only swipes right because they’re ex coworkers and she’d have felt bad + obligation + some pity and concern + morbid curiosity + vindication about kabru and freedom probably. So they chat and meet up but the flirting gets stamped down pretty quickly and instead they become buddies where they meet up to vent and talk.

The thing is, this is set in a modern au right, and it’s set the same year when Kabru and Rin go their own ways. College has ended and they’re going to univeristy, and Kabru picked a great medicine university… That’s on the other side of the country. He didn’t talk to her about it or ask for her thoughts at all, and Rin had assumed they’d be going to the good one in the same city they moved to attend the local college for. And she could follow him and get into the same one, but she doesn’t. Her personal arc of growing beyond Kabru and not uprooting her life and centering it around him has started and she’s like, oh, ok, fine whatever then. Kabru pretty much expected her to follow him when he told her about it even if the notion kinda annoyed him because he easily feels stifled, but he feels conflicted when instead she just goes congrats & good luck and lets him go.

MEANWHILE!! Kuro is also going away to university. Mickbell and Kuro are roommies ofc, and Mick’s a highschool dropout or just finished highschool or some such, doing jobs here and there. (Rin and him probably worked together in retail or such at one point. Rin maybe remembers Kuro as that really quiet coworker, but also it’s fun if she doesn’t know him yet too…) Kuro had followed Mickbell’s lead thus far (idk how i can make this line up with him possibly attending Kabru’s school though hmmm. Maybe kuro just never stopped education even when Mick did, just working a lot too when not in class. Maybe it’s a special university social program and that’s why Kuro gets a tutor?) but he’s been feeling a want for more. So of course Mickbell is PISSED and refuses when Kuro brings up he wants to move into an university dorm for the next semester, but unlike in canon here he’s able to just, leave. So he puts his foot down and is like, no Mick I need to experience the world for myself, I am seeking higher education!!!! Wether you approve or not!! Though he’s still gentle after with him once it sinks in for Mickbell that Kuro’s not changing his mind.

Guy who couldn’t follow his most important person to university because he doesn’t have the brains the grades or the means and girl who could follow hers but chose to let go because it was destroying her and she’s tired……..

Gbdvcjdh making a horrendous tinder profile was Mick’s way of going through the kuro breakup aftermath… Sobbing in his bed mascara running down his red cheeks as he writes "no pain no gain and baby I’ve lost consciousness from injuries several times in my life and I’m still broke rn so it’ll catch on soon and I’ll be rich just you wait everyone will be sorry for having left actually" Hitting people up in dms like a man possessed being way too agressively flirty and coming on thick bc he’s awfully coping. Rin swiping on the awful profile of her ex-coworker out of pity and morbid curiosity He posts pics of his "dates" with Rin on his socials to try and fail to make Kuro jealous (Kuro worries if anything) Mick handling the separation way worse than Rin she’s just kinda sad and melancholic and feels aimless sometimes but he’s mourninggg breaking downnn singing conceal don’t feel at 2 am

Kabru and Kuro take flights back to this city sometimes to visit~ Bc it’s like co-brainstormed with Toby this is kabrinmick and many many shoujo comedy love triangle shenanigans happens there with that but in my heart……… Kabru and Kuro having an university romance. Bromance at the very least… Maybe Kabru is Kuro’s tutor What would Kuro study… Economics… Linguistics… Psychology…. Some specific work program like idk eletric engineering……. Yeah this is the non-mickrin I was working towards. Gbdgdgd sorry, yay university romance kabukuro have all this context for the mickrin

To quote myself: In the end they become a 4 person household and everyone is uncomfortable /hj Wait in this au Kuro and Mick could actually possibly end up living apart woah what a concept

Co-brainstormed with @cranechel back in like july, more details from when we were developing it for more kabrin and nuggets of comedy gdbdg

I want the romcom sitcom bs for this AU but also in the angst route it’s 2 heartbroken people who lost their respective codependent relationship and smoking weed together in a dump after having cried a lot (their ‘dates’ lmao. Yes mick your hot date game is great. I bet he posts pics of them on his social hoping kuro sees and seethes and runs back to him) teasing that edge of having a codependent relationship themselves (cue Mick following Rin to the airport lmao)

I always have my hands in mickrin aus and timelines and this or that and lately kabrinmick also and it’s fun to me to think about kabukuro on the side there. In my vague mind relationships chart mickrin is happening kicking and screaming and then off to the side there are just Kabru and Kuro, chilling. Lmao

[w-ht-w]

Tell your friends you love them while they’re still alive

I’ve been thinking about mortality a lot this week. Not in an “I’m afraid to die” sort of way, but more in a “Wow, how lucky are we that we were given this blink of eternity in which to feel anything in a cold and emotionless cosmos?”

I’ve been thinking of the impermanence of permanent things. How can someone be here one minute, and then not the next? And be physically gone, but more present than ever before?

In the age of modern medicine, most of us will make it to our thirties without having experienced the passing of a friend. Our personal experience with death is often relegated to funerals for older relatives. So when I found out this week Alex had passed, it hit me really hard.

We hadn’t talked much in the last two years. When I first learned he was ill, my reaction vacillated between angry and sad. Angry that someone who brings so much life and joy and happiness to this world, who knew how to be more fully present in any moment than just about anyone else I’d ever met, wasn’t going to be with us much longer. I felt sad I had let our friendship wither. I felt sad that someone who really shaped my San Francisco experience was never going to know just how much he meant to me.

So his friend suggested I write a letter to tell him. Texts and emails and calls require an acknowledgment, a response—and taking time to respond to a past acquaintance isn’t a good use of limited energy. So I wrote a letter instead (parts of which I’ll share below).

And then I thought: I shouldn’t wait until a friend is dying to tell them what they mean to me. None of us should. And I know everyone says “tell people how much you love them at the moment,” and that’s fine and true and great. But I challenge us all to write letters more often. I still have cards and letters that people send me and it lifts my spirits to re-read them when I have a terrible day.

Snippets from a letter, to a friend who is dying:

Hi Alex,

It’s been some time. Sometimes, friendships grow apart. Sometimes, I hate that they do. You’re one of those friendships I miss.

I’ve grown up a lot in the last 12 months. I’d imagine you have, too, whether you wanted to or not. I think I’ve finally found the confidence in my opinions, desires, and voice that you always knew was there, and let go of the things that no longer serve me. San Francisco is home now — in each and every moment — but the first time I felt truly in awe of the city and that I had made the right choice in coming here was with you, actually.

...

Whether you realized it or not, you shaped a large part of my San Francisco experience. There’s only a handful of people I can say that about. I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back, it’s impossible to miss. I think about you often, actually — more so during football season, of course :) But often. I should’ve been more persistent in reaching out. There’s a lot of things we can say we should’ve done. For me, there’s not a lot of things I can say I regret. I regret that.

And now to the thing I want to dance around, to pretend isn’t real, that’s been on my mind all day since I found out last night: This isn’t fair, plain and simple.

This hurts.

You are the glue to so many circles. Your sense of adventure buoys ours. Your generosity encourages others. Your guidance helps us make better choices. Your silliness reminds us to laugh. You lead by example.

You’ve done more in 36 years than most could do in multiple lifetimes. You are blessed, and you are loved.

Once you’re recovered and feeling like your old self, let’s get a beer. I’m buying.

Thank you.

1. https://www.yourtango.com/2017308646/tell-friends-you-love-them-while-theyre-still-alive

[thegreymoon]

What are some dramas you'd recommend for someone who hasn't seen anything other than Love020 ?

Thanks

Hey, anon!

I haven't watched that many c-dramas and modern dramas are not my thing in general, but if you like modern romance, I would definitely recommend Love is Sweet. The main couple is excellent and hilarious (the secondary couple is awful, but easy to fast-forward through) and they have insane chemistry together.

The only other modern c-drama I watched is Broker, but that is simply not the greatest and I recommend it only to Luo Yunxi fans who are willing to put up with a lot of nonsense for his pretty face. The same goes for Lie to Love, but I couldn't sit through that one even for Luo Yunxi because the female lead reinvents the meaning of the word terrible and is simply unwatchable. I had to quit on episode 2. People who persevered tell me that it apparently gets better as it goes on (confirmation needed from those who finished the show, please) but I'm really not that much of a masochist to try and find out for myself.

Another modern one that I have on my watch list is When a Snail Falls in Love. I haven't started this one yet but I've only heard good things about it and I cannot stress enough how much I love Wang Kai, so maybe that is also a good place to start.

With that said, if you're willing to branch out into historical and fantasy stuff, I can recommend a few.

1. Monarch Industry, which I'm watching right now. It is easily the best c-drama I have watched so far (I'm on episode 61/68 so I seriously doubt that there is anything they can do at this point that will change my mind on this). It has one of the best male leads I have ever come across in my entire history of drama watching and the female lead is awesome as well! In addition, the drama is intelligent and well-made.

2. Nirvana in Fire, also an excellent place to start for the historical stuff. This one is a favourite of people with good taste in general, it's really excellent (and it has Wang Kai, who is awesome). Extremely well-made, fantastic battle scenes, awesome characters, and only derails a little bit towards the end. *grumbles about yetis and improbable c-drama medicine*

3. If you like BL, Word of Honor is really good! Even if you don't like BL, it's still very good! They had a tiny budget, which shows sometimes, but they made the best of what they had and it turned out to be a surprise hit because it really turned out wonderful. Unfortunately, they cut their funding before they could finish the drama so they had to reduce the number of episodes towards the end, which shows, but it is only the last few episodes, so you don't feel the effect too much. 90% of the drama is very coherent and well-made.

4. Obligatory mention for The Untamed and Ever Night.

The Untamed is beloved for good reason, it is a BL fantasy and the story is compelling and the characters are very lovable, but the special effects are a disaster. If you can't get past the wonky zombies and monsters, you will not enjoy it. With that said, the music and talisman magic are gorgeous, and while I adored it, I am careful when reccing it to people.

Ever Night is fantastic for the first 30 episodes. Like, so so so good! It is quite violent, though, so if you are looking for romance and sweetness, it's best that you skip this one. Also, watching the second half of this show (i.e. 30 more episodes 😭😭) is one of the most infuriating experiences I ever put myself through. My recommendation for anyone giving this drama a go is to watch the first 30 and just pretend the rest doesn't exist.

C-drama friends, please feel free to add on and help anon out! Drop your recs below, especially if you know of any good modern ones! 🤗🤗

[quirklove]

I beg of you- some soft Tomura, Compress, and Setsuno headcanons, please. I’m on my simp shit rn

aw, you don’t have to beg!! I’m constantly on simp mode for these babes

soft soft soft soft!!!!

ATSUHIRO

Is always humming something or other when he’s around his S/O. It might be an old nursery rhyme that’s stuck in his head, it might be some catchy pop tune that he keeps hearing on the radio, it might even be their favorite song. He’s nearly always an outgoing personality, but his S/O makes him so happy it puts that extra little spring in his step.

He’s a man of culture, (Name)! Somewhere he has a small stash of money from his past that he can draw on, so every once in a while, he likes to treat his friends and his S/O. (Most of the time, that cash goes to making sure they all actually have enough to eat or emergency supplies, and it’s obviously not too much money, so he doesn’t do this horribly often.) If anyone else will join him in disguise, he might be inclined to go with his S/O to a play or musical… perhaps even a ballet if the tickets are affordable enough. If no one else comes, ah, that’s alright; he’ll go with (Name) anyway, then bring back a slightly nicer dinner than normal for everyone else so that they aren’t left out. Maybe once or twice a year he does this, so everyone better enjoy it!

Noooo, he doesn’t wear the balaclava when he goes to bed, nor is it the first thing he puts on in the morning. He loves those times ― lying down to sleep and waking up. He gets to feel so vulnerable and exposed with his S/O, having them stare at him with his entire face uncovered, feeling their hands run through his hair like only ever allows in private. Plus, the fact that their gorgeous face is the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes in the morning? God. He’s gone soft. At least that softness is only for them, otherwise he might have a problem.

He likes to play cards with his friends and S/O if they’re not busy. No missions means he’s at the bar playing poker with Kurogiri, or war with Dabi, or… well, all Tomura ever plays is let me turn the cards to dust because fuck your games, Compress. What a brat!! One can practically see his face light up behind whatever mask he has on when (Name) asks him to teach them a game.

No matter what, he makes the extremely conscious effort to always give his S/O some gesture of affection before he goes off on a mission. Whether it’s tipping his mask to lovingly kiss their cheek, giving their fingers a passionate squeeze, or pulling them close for a gentle hug, he won’t leave without doing it. It’s a subtle way of saying goodbye, just in case things might go sideways. He acknowledges that the League’s affairs are incredibly dangerous and illegal; they could all die on any mission. He wants his beloved’s potential last memory of him to be something good. If he ends up dead, he doesn’t want them left with any doubt as to the fact that whatever else is true, he adores them very, very much and wants them to be happy.

TOMURA

Nightmares are a frequent thing with him, unfortunately. Sometimes it takes the form of memories, remembering the night his Quirk activated, leaving him with the image of crying in the middle of a circle made of his family’s corpses. Sometimes it’s a horrifying scenario in which Decay works on him, where he wraps his arms around himself and feels himself disintegrate piece by piece. Sometimes it’s his literal worst nightmare, a scene where he touches his friends or his S/O and they turn to dust in his fingers. Sometimes he wakes up screaming, his hands balled into fists so hard his nails are digging crescents into his palms and drawing blood, just so he can’t hurt anyone he cares about. Having his S/O take him in their arms and hold him close, kissing his face, whispering that he’s safe, reminding him that they’re here for him… he might not get back to sleep, but he finds comfort enough to stop crying within an hour.

There is one lone, solitary, singular way (Name) can get him to wear lip balm. That would be… to apply a surplus of it to their own lips, and proceed to give him as many kisses as he’ll allow them to in one go. Sure, the chapped lips aren’t unattractive ― but they’ve gotta hurt like hell. Just let your loving S/O lessen your pain a little, Tomura, you gigantic baby!! Also, they should pick a novelty flavor when they do this. It increases the number of kisses he’ll accept when their lips taste like vanilla frosting or Dr. Pepper.

Is like… the worst at any kind of self-care. He forgets to wash/comb his hair, he definitely doesn’t shower quite enough, he’s had at least one infection from not taking care of the wounds on his neck. The only reason he isn’t dead is Kurogiri, and later gains another reason; his S/O, obviously. Whenever he’s not working on his and All For One’s plans, he’s playing video games, and trying to get him away from that is like pulling teeth. However, his S/O has turned out to be very good at doing that. They can easily entice him with a warm shower together, and he’s pretty sure he’s never felt something as amazing as their fingers massaging his scalp as they wash his hair. Even though the ointment they want to put on his neck smells like medicine, he tolerates it simply because it feels nice when they rub it on. They’re always so gentle with him, and it just about breaks the poor man.

When encouraged and left in a non-stressful environment, Tomura is actually not terrible with children. He’s awkward, sure, he’s grumpy, sure, he doesn’t suffer brats, sure, but all things being equal, he does alright. Most of the time he’s not too scary around kids, or at least doesn’t act scary. (His appearance freaking some of them out, ah… that’s another story.) Though he’d have to do a lot of preparation, he might actually put an incredible amount of effort into learning if he found out he was going to be a father. How the man can’t manage to muster up the motivation needed to wash his clothes before wearing them a second time, yet can summon the will to read a ton of different parenting books, the world will never know. The point stands ― having a child combined with his love for his S/O would be a huge catalyst for his realizing that he doesn’t hate everything and everyone, and the world isn’t all bad.

Whenever he wants to touch his S/O in a sweet, intimate way but doesn’t feel comfortable or safe using most of his hand, he’ll use one finger. He might curl his fingers in to run his thumb gingerly over their cheek, or trace his knuckle down the side of their arm, or use the tip of his index finger to draw down their spine so he can see them arch their back. Tomura has never, ever had this before. Despite knowing he has to be careful, that he wants to be careful with them, there’s something endlessly fascinating to him about seeing how they react pleasantly to his touch when all his touch has ever done before is destroy. This also works in reverse; he wants to experience every possible touch of theirs that they’re willing to afford him.

TOYA

When he sleeps with his S/O, he really, really loves to be the little spoon. (He’s pretty well convinced that anyone who says they don’t, at least from time to time, is a liar!) It makes him feel safe and secure, like everything’s okay, like his S/O cares about him and wants to protect him. If he’s not being the little spoon, and sometimes when he’s the little spoon but facing them, he tends to cling in his sleep. His arms wrap tightly around their waist, his head buried in their chest or their neck or their back. It’s a product of his depressingly possessive nature; he loves them so much, they’re the best thing in his life, and he just… doesn’t want to lose them. Even while he’s asleep, he never wants to let go.

There are times Toya thinks about letting his hair grow out a little longer, to his shoulders maybe. The biggest thing that stops him is that he doesn’t know how he’d look with long hair. He isn’t sure he’d look that great or that he has the face for it! He’s a little afraid that with his more delicate features, having hair longer than it is now would lead to him being mistaken for a woman. If he mentions it to (Name), he might be a little startled by their enthusiastic, “Oh, that would look so charming on you!” coupled with a reassurance that they love his appearance no matter what he decides to do with his look. As far as they’re concerned, even if he ends up not doing it, they’re still going to think he’s the most handsome man ever. Knowing they’d support it, though, makes him think about actually doing it.

He rambles a lot, particularly when he’s feeling anxious. He rambles a lot. That goes along with his hands fidgeting and sometimes his leg bouncing a bit if he’s sitting down. For some reason he finds it hard to sit still or be quiet. He feels the need to fill the silence with something. So he talks, about anything and everything and occasionally about nothing at all. Most of the time only his S/O (or sometimes a friend) placing a hand over his, threading their fingers together, can calm him slightly. Often a gentle kiss when he’s doing the motormouth thing will get his mind to slow down and focus… at least to the point where he kisses back, and happily drowns in them for a while.

While not ‘on the job’, Toya… is usually kind of unsure what to do with his time. He reads, he watches TV a lot, he… sleeps. God, he sleeps. He seems to spend his life in a weird state of either being asleep or seeming wired as hell. There’s not really an in-between for him, at least not for a long time. He has trouble finding balance, especially since he’s so depressed. It seems to other people that he’s got too much energy and doesn’t fit the profile of what many people think a depressed person looks like. In truth, this is probably more accurate than people would like to think ― he hides the fact that he feels numb or sad by masking it with upbeat, happy, sometimes crazed behavior. Thankfully, he can sometimes find real happiness with his S/O, and it’s because of them that he might seek any kind of treatment so that he can feel better more often. Good thing, too, because not only will he be chasing a healthy life… his smile, genuine, painless, unaltered by any kind of forced joy? His true smile is the most beautiful thing.

Okay, but the man… has a serious sweet tooth. Most of the Hassaikai have their own room, and they can fill it however they choose. Toya’s cabinets are filled with nothing but sugary snacks. Even though he does eat regular meals, or at least tries to, he has to have something with sugar nearby to eat between. Chocolate is his favorite; he’ll eat almost any kind of candy, pastry, or even fruit snacks. If his S/O is very lucky, he will share! Pro tip: playing the pocky game with him is guaranteed to end in a cute, maybe steamy makeout session. And kissing any leftover chocolate that gets stuck to his lips? Oh, he’ll blush so hard.

[thequietuptown]

fear: Childbirth

Hey there, friend,

I understand this fear. Childbirth is absolutely terrifying. I was assigned male at birth, so I will never truly know the depth of the fear the way someone with a uterus might, but I do understand body horror. So buckle up because medical trauma is at the perfect intersection of two of my special interests (feminism and horror), and, historically, we’ve been awful to people with uteruses. I mean painful childbirth is the punishment for Eve for leading Adam to share in the fruit of knowledge, in addition to their expulsion from paradise, in the Abrahamic religions, so its totally valid that the thought of a human pushing a tiny human out of them is frightening to you.

For most of human history, childbirth was a private matter conducted in the home with the assistance of other women from the community or a specially trained midwife, but, with the dawning of modern medicine (used in the loosest sense of the word), that power began to be taken away from women. The birth of the physician (read a well-educated and respected man). When people began writing books on the matter of childbirth around the 15th and 16th centuries, the authors were not the midwives with generations of history and experience and knowledge, but the physicians, and they were mostly guessing (theories of spontaneous generation and little homunculi walking around in your sperm were prominent).

As the power in this situation began shifting, we started to see births with medical intervention. Where water births or births in a squatting position were common, we began to see people delivering children while lying on their backs with their legs spread so that the doctor could get a better view. This position is still used in hospitals today, and it makes labor more difficult for people giving birth for the benefit of doctors.

This promotion of the doctor over the person delivering the child changed the landscape of childbirth forever. Sometimes this manifested in somewhat innocuous ways like with the Chamberlen family inventing forceps to assist in childbirth, and keeping the device secret in order to make a name for themselves in the early days of obstetrics (one of them would even reportedly erect a tent around the patient’s stomach and make noises with literal bells and whistles among other things to keep the device’s existence secret from lookers-on), but more often than not, it manifested in terrible, terrible ways, like the invention of the chainsaw. Wait… what?  

That’s right! The chainsaw, or at least it’s hand-cranked predecessor, was invented in 1780 by two doctors to assist in childbirth. Now, you might be thinking how or why or why in God’s name would that ever assist in childbirth, and the answer is as simple as it is dissatisfying.  Prior to the widespread use of cesarian sections there weren’t a lot of options. Babies had to pass through the vaginal canal, and in cases where the child would get stuck in the pelvis, whether because it was a breech birth or simply because the child was too large, the only option was a procedure called a symphysiotomy, in which bone and cartilage were removed to make the pelvic opening larger for the child to be born. The procedure was originally done with a small knife and saw, so the chainsaw was an improvement that sped up the procedure which reduced blood loss, and may have slightly increased the parent’s chance for survival.  The worst part is that anesthetics were not invented for another 66 years, and germ theory was also a ways off. Many delivering parents died from complications due to childbirth from infection. Mary Wollstonecraft delivered the future author of Frankenstein successfully with the aid of a midwife, but a physician was called in to remove the placenta. She, and countless others, died from infection because the doctor had not washed his hands.

Ether was introduced in 1846, and chloroform was popularized by obstetrician Sir James Young Simpson a year later, while these chemicals would effectively knock a patient out, it also made it more difficult to give birth without further medical intervention, and when it was announced that we might have come up with a system for pain-free childbirth, the clergy ramped up attacks on women saying that labor pains were the will of God, and, for a time, most births would still occur in the comfort of one’s home.

Eventually, though, the introduction of pharmaceutical chemicals led to the Twilight Sleep era of childbirth. People delivering children were given morphine and scopolamine. While this potent cocktail would stop the pain, it would also stop contractions, and it was still possible for both the parent and child to die in the process. What’s more is that sometimes the cocktail of drugs would do little to numb the pain, and would instead just make you forget that it happened. This eventually led to the practice of the knock ‘em out, drag ‘em out delivery system Betty Draper went through in Mad Men, in which delivering parents were given anesthetic, strapped to the table, and then subjected to more invasive methods to get the child out, while making it as easy as possible on the doctor, and this is when we started seeing births move from the home into the hospital, where most births occur today.

Current childbirth is not without its problems, but it is certainly a step in the right direction. The 1970s saw the first certification courses for midwifery established in the United States, and alternative birth methods have seen a rise in recent years. There’s no escaping some facts of the matter like the pain and discomfort of contractions, the risk of vaginal tearing (although, unnecessary episiotomies are declining), and the blood and fecal matter that accompany the birthing process. We do still run the same risk of contractions stopping with the use of epidurals, leading to c-sections. And newborns will always look like slimy aliens.

Any conversation about the horrors of childbirth necessarily needs to be a discussion on reproductive rights. This fear is deep-rooted in our culture, and the most insidious part is that we tell people carrying children that this is just the way things are and to count their blessings that things aren’t as bad as they used to be. While that is certainly true, the lie that childbirth has to be horrifying and painful is so engrained in our culture that few of us ever seek to question it. Even the field of modern obstetrics has a sordid origin story with Dr. J. Marion Sims conducting his early experiments on enslaved women in a hospital behind his house. We need to treat people with uteruses better. We have the potential to make childbirth a less traumatic experience, and we ultimately need to respect to people’s bodily autonomy and listen to their needs in order to make this as painless an experience as possible. If you find yourself in a situation in which you’re confronting your fear, seeking out a nurse-midwife, a doula, or dedicated birth advocate/coach if a nurse midwife is not available to you. Take back the power.

With love, friend.

[mountain-of-divine-fire]

Crystal spirits, and how i work with them

Disclaimer. this is all my personal experience and beliefs. though this post is educational, take from it only what you believe. my word isnt the authority and neither is any other blog post. 

In my experience with crystals throughout the years, ive learned many things about them. i hope this post will help yall out there, who are maybe beginners, or just curious on how some things work, or how others like to do things. 

This post does not list crystal correspondences.

This will be a bit rambly, but i hope you get what i mean~

Obtaining your friends

Couple of options for this, i would suggest going rock hounding in a local area. Bring your companions, water, and your tools.

Maybe youre in a place with slim pickings,like me. you can just buy some online or in person

Crystal shopping online seems more convenient since you can look everywhere for whatever you want, and get to compare prices.But physical crystal shops are great because you can tell by feel who wants to come home with you. 

honestly, i believe nothing happens to a crystal that it doesnt want to happen. and if it does, it will end up fixing it itself. If you get a crystal that doesnt feel right, you will know who to give it to.

Im in the crystal shop. Now what? Well, just take a look around! see what catches your eye.I like to have a very loose suggestion of a shopping list, but it usually gets thrown out the window. If you feel like you need to touch something, do it. (unless the shop says no touchy ofc). Some things will practically jump out at you and scream “TAKE ME WITH YOU”. If you dont find something that really yells at you, and you still want to bring something home, just find something pretty. 

 How crystal spirits work

This is mostly based on what ive experienced. this doesnt come from any specific belief , but it does align with how some people practice animism. 

(much like in steven universe,if i had to give an example,) Crystals pop out of the ground, knowing who they are and what they do.They may grow and change with their experiences, but mostly, they know what theyre about. They are given energy and life by the earth, and they do their job. 

Each crystal group, species, and individual type seem to have overarching personality traits and a group spirit. i think some folk call these “crystal devas” but im not entirely sure where that comes from and what that entails. also each vein, and individual piece, has their own spirit and personality, say, beryl and quartz are completely different. An amethyst and a rose quartz are both quartz, and therefore have a similar type of personality, but are different. Each amethyst also has its specific differences. A chevron would be different from a grape jelly. Two individuals broken off from the same cluster would be different but similar, and so would each half of a broken slab.

sometimes individuals have names, and sometimes they can be named by you. some like to work with each other, and some prefer to work alone. 

Each crystal has correspondences , but sometimes those general guidelines can be deviated from, simple because the individual just doesnt do that kind of thing. 

My crystal broke! what happens then? Well, now you have two friends to work with. Some folk like to keep one half and give the other to a friend, some keep both halves and glue them back together with super glue (i do this with show pieces), and some folk like to bury them and return them back to the earth. You dont have to get rid of your broken pieces if you dont feel like its time. The crystal will let you know

How crystal spirits communicate

Most of the time, unless youre just really closed off, you will just feel it. They usually speak in feelings. if one wants to come with you for the day, you will know. If one wants anything , youre gonna know it. Dont second guess yourself, and just do it on impulse, pretty much.

These spirits are from nature, and are usually not relatable to humans (theres exceptions to this, like lab made crystals, and carved skulls, more on that later.).  they can and will communicate in ways youre not familiar to, if you dont do spirit work.If a crystal tells you its name, like its TRUE name, you might not even be able to comprehend the words its throwing at you. dont try to decipher it, just let it be. also , try to keep true names secret unless they tell you otherwise. 

If you cant really feel what they try to communicate, you could also meditate. If they want to say anything at least. just get cozy and meditate as you usually would, once you get good and calm just hold a rock and sit with it for a bit. Usually this type of communication is more in detail, maybe fully formed thoughts and sentences, maybe images. Once i even got one that liked to speak through song lyrics!

If you cant do these, use a pendulum! Ask the pendulum where its yes is, and where its no is. (for me usually, non human or complex spirits like to go left and right for yes, and forward and back for no. for animal spirits and servitors, ive found usually they nod yes and shake no. not sure how plants respond just yet.)

Ask it some troubleshooting questions first like “are you an amethyst, are my eyes blue, do i live at XYZ” ect... 

A problem with pendulums is, if you try and use a crystal pendulum when working with any other spirit, the crystal itself may respond. Always ask if youre talking to the right entity.

What might a crystal communicate to me? It could be something as simple as “my name is  ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ “ or   “you like to smoke cleanse usually, but i would specifically like sunlight ”, or it could be advice about a situation that you need help with. 

Can these spirits be malevolent?  personally, no. i dont think so. though it can be a grey area. most nature spirits want nothing but the greater good for themselves, nature, and maybe even you, if youre a good person in its eyes. 

there are instances where a crystal could be “angry”, maybe because the way it was obtained, or that it holds some kind of curse/hex/negative energy (maybe just even being around something awful that happened). Usually cleansing a stone will help with this. And if it doesnt? Try and see if you can do anything for it. 

Be careful about crystal runes, as you can piss them off. ive made a few mistakes in my time working with them(and by a few i mean a LOT, its not fun), in general just dont be a dick, and dont ask for things youre not ready to know the answer to. always thank them for cooperating, and cleanse them after use. 

What are the effects of this? for me, it was like a terrible panic attack, i was suffocating, my heart was going nuts, it was so hot, and i was so dry mouthed. i have never had panic attacks that bad. Tried to use some quartz crystals to ground myself, since i knew it was an attack, and they broke in half in the middle. This is completely my fault. I got scared and locked my runes away because it told me something i wasnt ready for, the next time i busted them out (and i hadnt thanked or cleansed them since,) is when they decided to teach me that lesson.. i was new at magic and stupid. and im glad my first big mistake was with something this forgiving. You probably wont ever have to deal with something like this if youre generally respectful. please learn from my mistakes. 

As with any divination and spirit work, you need to take protective measures. when youre speaking to a crystal spirit, you may actually be talking with something else. and it could be negative. use your best judgement please. 

Whats up with cleansing/charging/ect..?

 a lot of folk like to fight over whether or not you need to charge, cleanse, and bless or whatever else you need to do to crystals. Personally,i do like to cleanse crystals after heavy use, spellwork, or when i first get them from a shop. just to get rid of residual negativity. 

Crystals can hold information, but as far as charging them, im not so convinced. crystals arent a sigil, or something you made yourself. it has its own energy from the earth and its spirit, and will work perfectly fine without any of that.  Only do what you feel is necessary 

If its fine without charging, then why cleanse?  other than getting rid of stored negative energy, its just a nice thing to do every once and a while. It sort of works like an offering. showing that you respect the entity and want to work together in a mutual relationship. if you keep up your end as a guardian, then it will help you. 

How do i use crystals in spellwork and every day life? 

well heres some ideas! 

carry some around in your pockets/bag/bra/whatever according to whoever wants to come with you , and crystal associations

Gridwork. make a crystal grid

In spell jars/bottles/satchets 

As a decoration in your house to give the space a certain mood, feeling, or help. 

In meditation, to give advice perhaps, but also to help you according to its correspondences 

In divination, as help. 

As vessels for spells, enchantments, servitors, and whatever else (always ask it first!!! im using a large quartz as an astral tether, and a smaller one to house a servitor) 

As a friend. ever heard of pet rocks? well this is just an aesthetic step up from that. 

in your plant pots, to help them grow and thrive (be careful about water solubility) 

Pain relief and healing (only do this in congruence with actual medical care! keep around a fluorite for sinus issues, but definitely take your cold medicine) 

Important notes~

 As with any spirit, treat your crystals with respect. especially since theyre gifts from the earth. Dont act like you own a crystal. Like a piece of the earth, we really dont own land either. You arent its master and it doesnt have to do what you say. when you buy a crystal, youre pretty much signing up to be its guardian, and adding it to your team. be good to the earth, and to your friends, and a crystal will be good to you. 

if you have suggestions on other ways to work with crystals, comment! I hope this post was informational and not a complete rambling mess. have fun working with your rocks, yall~. Post about crystal skulls coming soon.  

Admin Fifa~

[cosmonaughtt]

how I'd rewrite Danny Phantom

forever salty that elmer glue ruined such a good concept so it’s my territory now

Ghosts are dead, 100%. The science behind it is very paranormal investigation-y but the Fenton family is ten thousand times better than the other “ghost hunters” of their time.

Also, there are some ghosts that come from metaphorical deaths. I.E. Pandora, she technically didn’t exist but when the Ancient Greek culture died out, so did the gods and goddesses. They’re not technically ghosts but they are ectoplasm-based, so they get lumped in with them.  

The Fenton family has been a bit dysfunctional for the past four years (10-14 for Danny, 12-16 for Jazz) because it took four years for Jack and Maddie to build the ghost portal. Jazz took over and learned how to really clean the house, while Danny learned how to cook. He’s not the best, but Danny can definitely make some good Ramen from scratch.

Maddie and Jack realized a bit later that the portal had overtaken their life and feel really bad for abandoning their kids, and when it didn’t work they tried to rekindle those relationships. Even with it working, they still do.

We all know what happened when the portal finished; it didn’t work. Because Jack put a switch on the inside that should’ve been on the outside, not the “on-off” button. The switch was loose and when Danny knocked into it, the portal turned on, because it was just waiting for a little spark-- like how when a cord is not totally plugged in. 

This was the beginning of summer, around the end of May, and a month after it was technically done. Danny (no stranger to the hospital, he’d been in a few times when he was younger because he was born two weeks premature) was in the hospital until August, a few weeks before school started. He was exempt from his eighth-grade exams and passed all of his classes, so the district let him slide.

Danny doesn’t have an ice core. As cool as it is (pun intended) it makes no sense in the narrative. Like, he was electrocuted, and he’s got the “ghost-stinger” ability, why would he have ICE POWERS? He’s got an electricity core instead (slightly inspired by the electric undead oops). 

His ghost sense is less of a mist and more of a gut feeling, and he literally becomes a static electricity magnet.

Danny’s character is a bit closer to the show.

He's quiet around strangers, but open with his friends. Trust thing.

Still made fun of for being the kid of two weird parents, but he’s honestly used to it by high school. He’s also bullied for his autism and ADHD, but he’s been bullied for them for about ten years so he’s used to it.

Still wants to be an astronaut-- science is his best subject, second to math. History is his third-best, he hates English and Gym class.

He’s tiny and scrawny, like a toothpick. It comes from being a sick child, though after the accident he’s able to lean out and gain a bit of “muscle”. 

After the accident, he gets a bit paler than he was before and doesn’t tan. There’s also a Lichtenberg scar covering about half of the right side of his body from the accident, going from his fingertips, up his arm and over his chest, neck, about down to his knee. 

He’s incredibly self-conscious about it but it doesn’t hurt, weirdly enough. For the “first season” he covers up and wears a lot of sweaters and long-sleeves. 

His pulse and body temperature are much below normal. The hospital was concerned with this after the accident, but after a few days of him seeming fine, they had to drop it. Danny can also hold his breath about five times longer than a normal human.

Is he half-dead? Yes, technically. Does he not try and think about his mortality? Yes.

He enjoys puns and jokes still, though he makes them more as Phantom.

Speaking of Phantom, no, he doesn’t go by “Danny Phantom”. Just Phantom. He is trying to avoid dissection from his parents, you know. 

Phantom has no scars from the accident, the only thing that he has in common with his human half is the mole on his cheek, but it’s green now (because yes, both halves have freckles!) because of his ectoplasm. He’s much more floaty, and if you don’t focus on him  he looks like he’s made of television static. He also has little fangs.

You can see his details better up close, and the longer you spend with Phantom, the more details you can see. All ghosts are like that, their energy is on the fritz all the time and human eyes need to adjust to it to understand certain features. The only reason Sam  and Tucker know him right away is because they watched him, y’know...

Danny is asexual, only realizing the identity in the middle of freshman year when Sam literally had to explain that yes, Danny, sexual attraction is a thing and not made up. (Based on my own experience.)

Sam and Tucker are both different in this story, but they still remain Danny’s only friends. They have other friends, though.

Sam is still goth.

She wears all black and even dyed her ginger hair black. There aren’t many surviving photos of Sam with her natural hair, she made sure of it. 

Sam is like... punk-goth? Punk-goth-grunge? She identifies as goth, but her clothes can fit all three categories, really. 

100% bisexual, has bi pins all over her bag. Out to her parents, who are slowly trying to understand. She doesn’t mind they/them pronouns, either, and her gender identity is just a shrug with middle fingers.

She knows a lot of the LGBT students at school and is the vice-president of the GSA she helped found. 

Both Sam and Danny had a mutual crush on each other through half of freshman year and all of eighth grade, Sam decided that she’d rather be friends and Danny realized it was mostly him wanting to be friends. 

Sam is vegan. She isn’t as pushy about it as she is in the show (I feel like it was extreme and really made fun of vegans/vegetarians, I know it’s a kids show but still) and all of her family is vegan, too. She’s big on animal rights, but recognizes the line to not cross.

Her family is also Jewish, like in canon.

Though she did campaign and successfully get the school  cafeteria to have a “Tofu Tuesday” every other week, so that’s something, at least!  (And where Mystery Meat would start)

Still mourns My Chemical Romance, into all music like that. 

Tucker is still a “nerd”, but he doesn’t get picked on by the jocks for being a nerd. 

He’s pretty hipster, too. His red beret is now a red beanie, and he has naturally curly hair poking out. He loves his natural hair, he just  loves the beanie.

His “nerd”  seems from his technological abilities. He has the latest smartphone a month after it comes out, and always has a “tablet”/iPad knockoff in his bag. He knows how to take things apart and sell them for money, and is also pretty good at programming.

Tucker DEFINITELY has a gaming channel. He only has about 3,000 subscribers, but that’s still pretty good. His most-popular video is him talking about the Indie game industry. He might try and program some of his own games (ahemPhantomfangameahem)

He loves meat, just like in the show. He jokes about it a lot with Sam, and Sam jokes back. Sometimes they can lead into fights if neither are in the mood, but both of them are pretty good-natured about it.

Tucker is a ladies-man, and a man’s-man, and a nonbinary’s-man-- he’s pansexual. Doesn’t figure out that’s a thing until he stays behind school one day to help Sam with the GSA, but once he does he’s out and proud. Still flirts terribly, though, but now no one is immune from his terrible flirts.

Scared of doctors and needles-- had a bad experience as a child, projects it on everything medicine-related. Tries to avoid taking medicine at all cost, unless it’s really severe. Hates flu season, can be a bit of a hypochondriac/germaphobe. Has one of those Bath and Body Works  hand sanitizer things on his bag.

Out of the trio, he’s more terrified of the ghosts, though after a while he gets used to them.

The A-Listers and school remain mostly the same.

Wes Weston is 100% a thing.

The A-Listers are more preppy than before, and definitely try and get away with what they can with modern fashion-- at least, Paulina and Star will. Dash and Kwan are a bit fashion-deaf (Kwan. Owns. Crocs.)

They’re still jerks and Dash still picks on Danny a lot, but the teachers are more competent and he can’t get away with more physical stuff unless no one is looking. Dash is probably a victim of his own domestic abuse at home and takes it out on people-- totally wrong and not moral, but he doesn’t think there’s much of an option. Only Kwan and Paulina know about his situation.

Kwan is pretty smart and strong, but he dresses like a disaster. He mostly sticks to wearing his letterman jacket and a black t-shirt and jeans, but if he ever has to “dress-up” or wears something else, it’s awful. Cargo shorts galore. Crocs. Someone get the Fab 5 to help  him, please.

Paulina is pretty prissy, and doesn’t like getting dirty often. She’s a cheerleader and she’s good at it, but she’s only second-in-command of the squad, or however that works. She doesn’t mind, less work for her to do, and the person in charge enjoys it a lot. Paulina tends to make fun of Sam and Tucker’s clothes often, and like the rest of the A-Listers, everything listed above for Danny (sans the Phantom thing). Once Phantom becomes big, she gets a huge celebrity crush on him, probably has ten different Stan accounts for him.

Star is the head cheerleader, and enjoys every moment of it. She also enjoys math, and she’s really good at  that too. Of the canon characters, only Danny can keep up. She isn’t good at much else academia-wise, though she does enjoy a bit of biology and forensics. Much smarter than most people think-- it will astound you.  

Valerie is a part of their squad at first, only because she, Paulina and Star live in the same neighborhood. After Valerie moves to an apartment, their friendship falls apart after a big fight-- this is entirely not ghost-related, by the way. Vlad only contacts her after learning that her dad was hurt in a ghost attack and Phantom wasn’t there to help, and emotionally manipulates her. She becomes the Red Huntress and hunts Danny, and they do date for a few months before calling it quits. I’m not big on shipping, per say, but if there has to be a canon endgame, it’ll be these two.  

Wes Weston. He’s technically canon? I guess? But also fanon? Either way, having a character like Wesley Weston trying to expose Danny as Phantom and always failing is hilarious, but can also introduce other things into the series as well. How does Wes know? Is he like, psychic, or something...? 

 Oh, and Vlad.

He’s much more emotionally manipulative. Danny was really considering having him train him in ghost-powers and stuff until Vlad made an off-comment about Jack, and Danny saw through the act.

They’re very much enemies. Not frenemies, but enemies. Danny is terrified of Vlad, but doesn’t want him to hurt his family.

Vlad, above all, wants a family. He missed out on those years being in and out of the hospital because of his own, botched accident, and he has scars all over his face from the “ecto-acne” that he hides with makeup.

He’s equivalent to Elon Musk, but less of a weeabo. DALV Corporations has a lot more stock in experimental sciences, though, including paranormal investigation. When he learns that Jack and Maddie had successfully created the Ghost Portal, he puts a lot more funding into their projects and reconnects. 

Still got the creepy Maddie-crush. Does get a cat named Matti, though (no connection or correlation, shut up, Daniel). Hates Jack because of his own accident, and begins to despise him even more for not noticing the scars left on Danny’s accident, too.

Less of a vampire in ghost form. He has a fire core, which makes a lot of his ectoplasm heat-based. Probably has laser eyes that Danny desperately tries to emulate but alas, cannot. The only reason he has a leg up on Danny is experience, not strength. He was only blasted in the face, not the whole body, after all.

At some point there’s probably an argument with Vlad and the Fentons and he decides “screw it” and makes an offset of DALV that focuses on ghost-hunting.

No Mayor thing, but he does move away from Wisconsin to live  in Amity Park.

Amity Park is... Well, it’s something.

It was already a pretty creepy town before the ghosts get involved.

It was already a pretty creepy town before the ghosts get involved. 

There’s always been unexplained murders, disappearances, and strange lights in the sky that no one could identify—a lot of hints towards something other-than-ghosts existing, which makes sense. 

Amity Park is much weirder after the ghost portal opens. Not because of the ghost attacks and their ghostly superhero, but because the veil was torn a bit, and it was felt throughout the town. 

On the moment of Danny’s accident, there was a massive power outage, and they become a bit more frequent to everyone’s dismay.  Much of the older residents of the town are against ghosts—if excepting Phantom, on occasion. The younger residents are more open to the undead spectres, though, and are much less afraid of them. 

Phantom becomes a youth icon, and his twitter account that started off small and as a joke gets him national popularity. 

Tucker, naturally, rides this wave and gets a giant boost in YouTube subscribers, especially after he posted a few videos with Phantom. No one questions this except the A-Listers, who just want to know howhe did this. 

Okay that’s enough of an info-dump I don’t want to spoil everything. I’ll probably post this stuff on my ao3—calling this story “Hero Complex” for now, still working on the title.

[scientia-rex]

Overly long life update

Today I helped take out a big hunk of jejunem. Je... jejenum??? oh god I haven’t had to spell this in a while. Hang on. Jejunem! I was right. Thank god. Anyway, sometimes this rotation feels a lot like med school, in that I don’t have to write a lot of notes (I’m rounding on a couple of patients per day but the attendings do NOT give a shit), and I’m in all the surgeries I want to be instead of stuck doing floor work like the interns in my program last year (or like surgical interns). 

Unopposed programs are great. I mean, there’s something to be said for the camaraderie you can develop with residents in other programs who are also suffering greatly, but being family med means that in a hospital with other residency programs you’re always fighting someone for experience.

The jejunem had a big, super nasty abscess with a lot of mint-green purulence that was definitely toothpaste-y in texture. It started out more like traditional pus (white, gooey) but something bad had clearly happened to it. Mesenteric abscess. Still not sure why she looked like she was dying--maybe it subtly perforated somewhere--but anyway, it was a cool case and I got to be with my favorite attending, who I would marry if she and I weren’t both already married. I also don’t know if I could make her be into me! But I’ve always liked a challenge. Most boring part of being married: no longer the opportunities to try to make someone want to sleep with me.

I’m on call, and it sucks but the fun thing is this is Surgery call and I’m not first call. Sure, if there’s a consult or a surgery I’ll probably get called in, but I’m not getting bugged about everybody’s fucking bowel regimen! That goes right to the attending! This program/rotation is topsy-turvy from EVERYWHERE ELSE in that respect. When I’m on Medicine call it’s me, and I hate it, and I hate it with a fiery all-consuming passion that makes me seriously reconsider my commitment to rural medicine, but Surgery call is comparatively much less hellish unless there are stacked overnight surgeries, which has been known to happen (but not, so far, to me).

Not looking forward to rounding tomorrow morning and operating real early on the gallbladder case my weekend call attending didn’t want to operate on until the pancreatitis got a little bit better. I’m getting so tired of gallbladders. I’ve seen so many of them and STILL only, like, three appendices, total.

Anyway!!!! I’m on an unceasing rollercoaster where I can never decide whether I’m grateful and happy or suicidally rage-filled. I love a lot of things out here. I also realized earlier that one of the receptionist people in the surgery clinic building is a girl who was my “best friend” (ish) in 9th grade until I stole her boyfriend (he was, of course, AWFUL) who I drifted apart from after high school until we “reconnected” on Facebook (where she made disparaging comments about my butt in one picture I posted) and then she said something super pissy and weird and I unfriended her. She had like a whole conspiracy theory about how I’d ruined her life. I was like, look, I stole ONE boyfriend, ONCE, and told some people a weird thing you said about sex, that is NOT a conspiracy. And that boyfriend was so terrible I technically did you a favor. Very #MeToo memories from that guy. “Didn’t meet the legal definition of rape!” is not the same thing as “positive, healthy relationship.”

So moving home is a MIXED BAG. Very mixed bag. I was not an uncontroversial figure at the sixth to twelfth grade level and I’m frankly alarmed that I agreed to a teaching event for students up at the high school because there’s a decent chance I’ll run into a) the teacher I asked out after I graduated, and THAT would be very awkward since I then ghosted him and have since come to see him not shooting me down as yet more manifestation of the gross entitlement of men, or b) someone else I don’t even remember I have weird awkward shit with until I see them. Like the Physics teacher I made cry by eating my notebook while maintaining eye contact with him.

I’m a lot, guys. I’m like a lot a lot. Always have been and I assume I always will be. Me with a scalpel is honestly the chillest manifestation of me yet. I have generated fewer enemies since settling down, but only because I value my partner’s feelings enough to not sleep with anyone else and therefore have stopped stealing other people’s significant others/romantic opportunities/complicated friendships. (I had a roommate once give me holy hell for sleeping with her bisexual friend when SHE wasn’t bisexual and wasn’t going to sleep with the friend but was VERY invested in being the only women her bisexual friend was in love with! I was like FUCK YOU SHE’S CUTE AND SHE CLIMBED INTO MY BED! and slammed out the door and went to buy a loaf of bread. And on the way ran into the guy on whom I wasted two years of my life because he was B E E F Y and had long curly hair, which is A Theme for me.)

(.......I stole WAY more than my fair share of people back when I was single and free to ho around. But really, if your significant other is that easy to steal, you should know that before you invest heavily in them. I never went after anyone who was married or who had a kid. That was a bright line.)

(Anyway, it’s not like it’s not my FAULT moving home is complicated, but WOW is it ever. My husband’s ex-girlfriend is coming back to town and there’s an article about her in the paper and while I suspect he’s over that, since it was fifteen years ago, part of my brain is still jealous!!!! Absurd! Yet true!)

[alexabarnes]

Into the Water- Part One

Pairing: Bucky x veteran!reader

Summary: When a boy falls into the harbor on an icy December day, Bucky meets ex-combat medic (y/f/n) (y/l/n). She is fighting to figure out life after the war. Something about her sticks with Bucky in a way he can’t shake.

Word Count: 1,914

A/N: First of all, s/o to @invisibleanonymousmonsters for being the absolute most amazing person ever and giving me constant support with my writing (lmao I know I never post anything). So here’s the deal with this story. I’ve had this written for a while but I have withheld posting it because it is a multi-chapter fic and I’ve never done one of those before. Well, here it is anyways. I’ve been wanting to write something for a while that touches on service, medicine, and PTSD in the way I have seen and experienced it. Real life is a lot grittier than Tumblr writers’ romanticization of mental health, in particular when it comes to PTSD. I’ve gotten kind of annoyed with the representations of PTSD and medicine in general (because tv shows and movies almost never get it right), so I wrote this. I will say, though, that everyone experiences and heals from it differently, and I’m not discrediting that, but often the way I see it written in fics is either it’s glossed over, cliche, and/or repetitive. There’s not a lot of nuance to it and I want to change that. So, here it is.

P.S. This fic is going to get gritty and dark, so strap in folks.  

Bucky hated winter, to say the least. He hated the way the large flakes of snow flew into his face, he flinched every time they touched his skin. He hated the way the cold seemed to make his skin burn. He hated the low-hanging white clouds of a blizzard that encroached into his space and threatened to swallow him into their thickness. Every second of winter reminded him of who he is—no, who he was— they reminded him of dreamless, bone-chilling cryofreeze. Bucky hated winter because winter reminded him of Hydra.

The only good thing about winter was the excuse it gave him to wear long sleeves everywhere. He felt protected when he could leave his apartment with his hood up and nearly every inch of his skin covered.

Bucky walked along the snow-dusted sidewalk, icy blue eyes always scanning the street, always assessing. It was exhausting sometimes. Sometimes he wished more than anything that he could turn it off and let his mind rest for a while. Better exhausted than dead, though, he thought to himself. He decided to take the longer route today because very few people were out on the street. The snow had stopped falling and, despite the throbbing noise of the city, everything seemed a little softer, everyone seemed to speak a little quieter. It was a little hint of peace, and Bucky appreciated it. He rounded the corner and took a side alley that let out onto the street that bordered the waterfront.

The water was grey, the slight waves crested white and threatened to freeze over if not for their movement. Bucky walked past the piers, gazing at the ships tied onto the dock, old and beginning to rust from the sea water. There weren’t many people at the waterfront. A few joggers passed him, bundled up, cheeks pink from the wind exposure.

He paused for a moment, noticing a tall black marble stone out of the corner of his eye. A monument to World War II and the naval officers of the city who gave their lives in the war. Their faces were engraved on the marble, along with their name, rank, and place of deployment. He knew the artist chose black marble for a reason. Simultaneously, Bucky saw his own reflection in the smooth façade overlaid with the portraits of fallen soldiers. His stomach twisted, his heart beat uncomfortably against his ribs. He turned his head to look at his boots, suddenly too aware of the cold and his own thoughts.

Suddenly a dog barking and a splashing sound tore him away from his intrusive memories. His eyes snapped to the dock a mere hundred yards away from him. A large German Shepherd was clawing at the dock, barking at the water, frantically rocking back and forth, as if he was thinking of jumping in the water and deciding against it from second to second. Suddenly a young boy breached the surface of the icy water, waves lapping at his neck, he struggled against the cold. Bucky could hear the gurgling sounds as the boy, unable to keep himself from gasping, inhaled the water. He immediately sprinted forward towards the boy, but as he was nearing the dock, a runner came seemingly out of nowhere and jumped off the dock before Bucky could.

Bucky skidded to a stop, working to maintain his balance on the slippery dock. He looked out at the water and saw a woman with bright (y/h/c) hair swimming towards the boy. A small crowd had gathered and bystanders began to film the dramatic scene. Bucky immediately took notice of every camera angle, making sure he avoided being captured on video. He watched in bewilderment as this woman took hold of the now unconscious boy, pulled him to her body and began to swim on her back so that his head remained above water.

Someone must have called 911 because Bucky could hear the sirens. The woman tipped her head back, eyes searching wildly for a place she could get the boy out of the water. Bucky rushed forward to the edge of the dock and locked eyes with her. He was the only one there that could possibly lift them out of the water. Bucky’s every instinct was screaming at him to run, stay in the shadows; he was exposed and vulnerable kneeling on the dock. But he couldn’t leave her. She swam towards him and the dog, who now paced nervously next to Bucky.

She was gasping for breath. Bucky knelt down and reached his hand down to her. She thrust the boy out of the water with all the strength she had left, submerging her own head in the process. Bucky lifted the boy out of the water, laid him gently on the dock then reached down to pull her out too.

Her body was so cold that if he couldn’t see the light in her bloodshot eyes he would’ve thought she was dead. She was gasping, eyes locked on the sky, the cold air burning her lungs. Everything was numb and blurry, noises were distorted, almost as if everything that existed outside Bucky’s immediate view was under water. But her, she was in perfect clarity. He lifted her out of the water and into his arms before he gently laid her down next to the boy. Distantly, he could hear the crowd that had watched the scene unfold clapping and cheering.

Both of them looked in terrible shape. The woman was pale, eyes bloodshot, lips blue, but at least she was breathing. The boy was still in the most sickening way. She allowed herself to be still only for a second before she leapt up to get to the boy.

She immediately kneeled over him, put her ear to his chest and pressed two fingers to his neck to check his pulse. She felt her heart drop as the agonizingly slow seconds ticked by with no movement under her fingers. She ripped off the boy’s jacket and shirt, clasped her hands together and began doing compressions on his chest.

Without taking her eyes off the boy, she said to Bucky, “I need you to call 911.” Bucky was stunned to hear how calm and soft her voice was, despite how hard he could hear her heart beating.

“Hey, what’s your name? I need you to call 911,” she repeated.  

“Uh—Bucky. And I think someone already called 911, I can hear the sirens coming.”

“Okay, good. Bucky, I need you to hold his head still,” she told him. He took his jacket off and placed it under the boys head, so it wasn’t on the rough wood of the dock, and held both sides of his head while she continued compressions. His heart was aching, begging the boy to breathe.

“Come on, sweetheart” she whispered under her breath. She stopped for a second and put two fingers back on his neck. A sharp breath of relief came from her mouth. “I have a pulse.” And suddenly water came sputtering from out of the boy's mouth. Bucky looked down at the boy’s chest and it began to rise and fall with breaths from his now clear lungs.  She was panting at this point. Her shoulders sagged, her arms limp at her side. Relief and exhaustion evident on her features. She kept her fingers on the boy's arm to monitor his pulse. The German Shepherd, who had been pacing anxiously, now laid down at the boy’s side, his head resting on the boy’s legs.

Bucky faintly heard the bystanders’ reaction to the scene, mixtures of shuddering breaths, cries of relief, and applause. Bucky moved the jacket from under the boy’s head to cover his wet, shaking body.

“Thank you, Bucky. You did great.” Bucky was at a loss for words. Great? He barely did anything, he thought to himself. She just brought a boy back to life with nothing but her two hands, for Christ’s sake. Though the boy was still unconscious, he was breathing, and it was a goddamn miracle.

“How did you—” he began, but then he saw the ball chain around her neck, and the U.S. army dog tags hanging from it. “You served,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah. Combat medic; two tours in Afghanistan.” He just looked at her in awe.

The water suddenly reflected blue and red and the sirens were almost unbearably loud. The siren cut and Bucky looked up to see paramedics walking swiftly over to the scene.

The woman stood to address the paramedics. “Pediatric male, initial GCS of 3, now improved to a 6. Patient was unresponsive upon extrication from the water. CPR performed after witnessed arrest. ROSC obtained after five rounds. Patient is hypothermic and in need of post-resuscitation care.”

“Thank you, we got him from here. Does anyone know where his parents are?” The medic asked.

“No, I never saw him with anyone,” the woman replied, looking to Bucky. He merely shook his head.

“Well, we’ve made sufficient effort to contact family, we’re taking him to the hospital. Child Protective Services can deal with contacting parents, he needs an ED doc now. And Miss,” the medic turned to the woman, “don’t think I’m going to let you go without checking you out.”

Now that the adrenaline was beginning to wear off, she started to feel the weight of her soaked clothes drawing the chill into her veins every second she was exposed. “I’m fine, I promise,” the woman replied, but the medic had no intentions of letting her off that easy.

“From the assessment you gave us of the patient, I know you’re medical, and I know you know the legal stuff I’m required to do, so let me check you out.”

“Treat the kid, don’t waste your time on me.” If the situation were different, Bucky might have chuckled. She was stubborn as hell and reminded him of a certain blond super soldier in his life.

“My partner is taking care of him. It’s going to be a minute before we can get him out of here. Let me at least give you a blanket,” the medic insisted.

“Fine, but while you’re getting the blanket, you might as well get the refusal form, too.” The medic sighed, but begrudgingly agreed. She quickly filled out the form to refuse treatment from the medics, despite her blue lips, shaking frame, soaked body.

“Thank you,” she said to the medic. He gave a tight smile; he was obviously worried about her. A heavy sigh left her lips as the ambulance pulled away from the scene. Bucky looked down at her hands and saw them shaking. He wanted to touch them, reach out to her. But he had seen enough in his life to know that wasn’t what she needed or even might be able to handle.

“Miss, are you okay?” Bucky asked softly. She snapped out of wherever her mind went. He had a guess as to where her memories took her because he knew where his took him.

She forced a smile, “Yes, I’m fine.” She reached down and patted the German Shepherd on the head, smoothing the fur on his head and neck. He rested his head against her thigh. She grasped the leash hanging from his collar and began to walk away.

“Hey, wait—” Bucky called out. She turned back to him. “What’s your name?”

“(y/n) and this is Ranger.”

“(y/n),” he repeated; her name a whisper lingering on his lips. He watched her walk with Ranger, who stayed pinned to her side, until she disappeared from his view.

Hope you all liked the first part! Please please please send me your reactions and thoughts <3 it means the world to me.

[onestowatch]

Au/Ra on Writing Fan Fiction, Anime, and Not Having to Always “Stay Happy” [Q&A]

Meet Au/Ra, the new wave cool girl carrying the dark pop genre into the light. The singer has lived quite a life and made remarkable career moves in spite of only being 17. After touring with the likes of ALMA, Lewis Capaldi, and Nina Nesbitt, Au/RA is back to releasing her electronic-backed, vividly emotional singles like “Dance in the Dark” and “Medicine.” 

With her eye-catching green hair tied back in a ponytail, we got a chance to talk to Au/Ra about her Caribbean upbringing, Lord of The Rings, and her brand new music video for “Stay Happy” just before her show at School Night in Los Angeles.

OTW: Soundcheck sounded great. Is this your first show in a while?

Au/Ra:: Yes, in a while! It’s crazy how time flies by so quickly, because I was on tour here last year ALMA. I haven’t been back since then, so it’s really cool.

OTW: I know you mentioned previously playing AnimeCon. I’m wondering if your album artwork is a nod to anime at all?

Au/Ra: It definitely is an ode to anime, I’d say. I’ve been really inspired by the art and culture behind anime. I think at the very start of my making music, I always had it in my head that all of my artwork would be illustrated. I just didn’t see myself as an artist with a bunch of photography with my face on everything. 

OTW: Wow, you know it’s a hot take to do that!

OTW: Yeah, we just kind of continued with it. And I don’t plan on stopping because I just really love how it looks. I do wish I could draw like that though. It’s not me, because I’m terrible at drawing!

OTW: Oh so am I! I can only do stick figures and such. 

Au/Ra: Same! I’m all doodles. I think the only thing I can draw is anime eyes. I’m just not good with full faces! But I’ve been working with different illustrators basically. It’s so crazy because the way I found them was just by DM’ing them on Instagram. I’ll go on an explore page and go through anime art. Then I’ll look up the illustrator and DM them, like, “Are you looking for commissions?” 

OTW: They’ve done great work! So you were raised in Ibiza and moved to the Caribbean. How did all of this happen?

Au/Ra: It’s sort of a strange thing, and I grew up thinking it was normal! And of course, all of my friends there had a story like that. They had all moved there with their families from different countries as well. Some had been born and raised there, so I think it’s something we all did get used to. And now since everyone’s started moving away, and doing their own thing, we’ve all come back to the island and been like, “Wow it’s a big world out there. And the way that we’ve been raised here, is not normal!” It’s different. 

OTW: What was it like? I mean you live where people vacation!

Au/Ra: Kind of! That was kind of like the thing. But it was different after you’ve lived there because you experience all sides of the island. It’s a beautiful place and I’m so lucky to have grown up there. The beaches are stunning, the food is amazing, and the people are lovely. But there definitely are some struggles too. Like sometimes there is a lack of resources, especially during droughts. We had to order like 15 water trucks to fill up our cistern. Hurricanes, power cuts are a regular thing as well. It’s an island! 

OTW: Has living there influenced your music at all? Or at least how you approach music-making? 

Au/Ra: It definitely did. I think the reason why I got into creative writing and songwriting was because I didn’t really have access to TV or the internet for a while. It really gave me time to focus on that. And eventually, when I got my laptop, I started uploading and writing everything there. But I think it’s just the outlook–you know, treasuring resources more. I mean right now, it’s so crazy with climate change and everything that’s happening in the world. 

That, of course, has been happening for ages, but now people are actually talking about it. Like Greta Thunberg; She is so cool. I’m in awe of her. She’s wise beyond her years. But I’ve been more inclined to talk about things in my music that aren’t talked about as much. Definitely growing up with not having access to certain things all the time, and seeing what that is like when you don’t have water or power anymore. I think it formed a different perspective I have on things. My first song “Concrete Jungle” really addressed all of that. That and several social issues too. 

OTW: On the subject of writing, I read somewhere that your stage name comes from a Lord of the Rings fan fiction you wrote.

Au/Ra: Ugh! I’m such a nerd! It’s really funny because I started writing and getting really into Lord of the Rings when I was 12. I could even speak Elvish for a little bit.

OTW: Oh wow so when other kids went Harry Potter, you went Lord of The Rings. 

Au/Ra: I went Lord of the Rings, yeah I went back! (laughs) I had such a big crush on Legolas. After watching the movies, I read the books and got into it. Then I wrote fan fiction about one of the characters, and her original name was Aurethial. I always loved the word aura, and what it meant. When I was 14, I went back to that when I was thinking of what my artist name should be. I might as well use that. The slash, I wish it had a big meaning behind it but, there is another artist Aurora. She’s Scandinavian and really cool. She was up-and-coming then, and I didn’t want to confuse people. 

OTW: Lovely origin story! Speaking of origin stories, I know you’ve been doing this for two years, but when did you really start getting into music?

Au/Ra: When I was 12, that’s probably when I was officially like I want to do this. It’s only five years ago. I was in the same choir since I was nine, so I think that helped me get over my stage fright. I always loved singing, and my family is in the music industry. Music was always something I was around the creation of–my dad’s a producer and mom is a songwriter. I actually worked with them before I worked with anyone else.

OTW: Nice, so they were pretty supportive of this?

Au/ra: Ehh, no... At first, they weren’t. No.. (laughs) They were like, “You can’t do this.” We had gone through quite a hard time being in the music industry though, especially in the early 2000s. You know, when streaming was first developing and physical sales were going down. So they were like “No, no, no. This is not a promising career right now.” And I then I just took matters into my own hands and started uploading Youtube music videos. My dad saw them and was like “Oh this is not-” and he helped me start making proper videos.

OTW: So once they saw you were serious about it-

Au/ra: I was really stubborn too. So once they saw how dedicated I was to it, they were more supportive and open to taking me seriously. 

OTW: We’ve got to talk about “Stay Happy.” It touches on so many things I think us young people struggle with, like fomo and making new fake friends. Where did the idea for “Stay Happy” come from?

Au/Ra: I was going through a weird time where I was really neutral. I wasn’t very happy or sad. It was just kind of like this weird middle feeling, and I didn’t know what to do. I thought it would just go away after a while. But I found after some time that if I tried to make myself happier again, I was just faking it. So like what do I do? And writing about it was part of what helped me solve it. As cheesy as that sounds, that actually just helped me figure out what it was and accept it. It’s just a phase. It’s alright, and life can be like that sometimes. And there are other people who feel this way too. So it’s a nice reminder that everyone has little happy/sad moments and that’s life. 

OTW: Life has its ups and downs. The part about life hacks too–that got me.

Au/Ra: Yeah! You know you go on wikiHow and look up things? That was the whole thought behind the video. It was me trying stereotypical ways to make myself feel happy again. I did have an idea to have a puppy. I’ve been trying to get a puppy into a music video for a while now. I just wanted the puppy to lick my face, but me be ignoring it, as if I’m sabotaging my own happiness by ignoring this cute puppy. That didn’t work. I feel like all of my videos are pretty dark. But this one is much more quirky. 

OTW: When is even more new music coming?

Au/Ra: Soonish. It’s all being planned. You can always count on me to release new music. I won’t just disappear. 

OTW: Who are your Ones To Watch?

Au/Ra: I absolutely love girl in red. She’s incredible! I also love Cavetown and IDER. They’re great. I saw them live last month and they were amazing.

[nny11writes]

Declarations, Mental Health, and Other Things You Never Asked Me to Explain About Myself but I’m Gonna Anyways

Ok, it's been almost a year since my last update on this and I wanted to explain myself a bit? And also share my story a bit??? 

This is all personal stuff so no need to read if you can’t handle it right now or don’t want to handle it. You’re not obligated to, but I felt it was important to share all this.

Here’s hoping the “Keep Reading” link works!

cw: anxiety, depression, mental health, suicidal ideation, nightmares

SO. Last year I had been working in a hostile working environment under an abusive supervisor for 2 years. One of the things I had done a right before I got that job (and was unemployed, depressed, and heavily suicidal) was I picked up writing fanfiction again. I had been in about a two or three year dry spell where I was writing fanfiction but never posting. Just writing it for me. And then I'd unceremoniously dropped all after posting a Mass Effect fic that had great response/reviews. Because the pressure was too much for me.

I found SW: TCW while unemployed and desperately seeking something to help lift my spirits and distract me from my known but untreated mental health. I wanted VERY desperately to find something enjoyable in life again. I was literally only alive because I was afraid of where my cat would be placed when I died. I kept seeing interesting meta posts from MyLordShesaCactus and AlexKablob about someone called Barriss Offee and someone called Ahsoka Tano. Deciding that I had literally nothing to lose I gave the show a watch.

It was a lifeline. During a time where I regularly had nightmares of being a robot that was torn apart and decommissioned, or dreams where I'd barely nick myself and suddenly start bleeding out, SW TCW became an obsession. I was years too late to the fandom but I still found active people and love for this girl who was a little Too Much and a little Too Pushy and a little Too Scared to Fail. Ahsoka hits all my bingo slots for characters I project heavily onto. And soon enough my nightmares, while still consistent, were no longer a given. Sometimes I dreamed about star wars instead. The first time I had a dream where I WAS Ahsoka Tano I woke up and cried because I'd felt so good.

Then I got hired in what I thought was a life affirming and saving way, and instead was shoved into a different kind of hell. I became so depressed that first year that I self harmed by starving myself and denying myself sleep. Which, of course, makes it worse. I started writing "Twilight" as a way to cope with my increasing intrusive thoughts about suicide and physical self harm. Then it became a way to deal with intrusive thoughts about wanting to harm others. I needed an outlet and was denying that I need medication to manage my mental health.

I didn’t expect anyone to read it and like it. I thought people would hate it. Because it was awful because I’m awful, and therefore nothing I did could be good.

But people did like it. A lot.

Then I was escorted to Psychiatric Emergency Services because I wanted to kill myself on the job. The whole episode is a little weird in my mind, time warped a bit and I remember crying nonstop and being unable to stop shouting, but when I look back what I remember most is feeling completely calm. Calm and soft and light. I think that was due to me finally verbalizing my thoughts and seeing that others did care. That I wasn’t some worthless pest to them. When I got to PES enough time passed that I got my panic attack under control, and when a psychiatrist finally saw me I downplayed the whole incident out of fear I was going to be institutionalized. I was scared as fuck in my little temp room in my little plastic chair staring at my hospital band and desperately hoping that none of the other people there would talk to me. So when I saw professionals I lied. I got a doctor’s note to stay out of work for two days and went home.

I finally had to admit to myself that I was not doing well. I was not handling my anxiety or depression. I was not ok and that it was ok to not be ok.

I was still scared to get professional help.

Instead, I spent that November participating in NaNoWriMo, where I wrote what would later become the first several chapters of “The Apprenticeship”. The first installment to the Close But No Cigar AU. I decided that I wanted and needed to write something that was happier. Ahsoka Tano made me happy and I wanted to do something good, anything good (for once in my fucking life). And convinced that I’d never done a good thing and never could, I decided to do a good thing first for a fictional character. So in I went to a story where Ahsoka Tano was an anxious wreck of a person, but had support and help and love. Into a world where Anakin Skywalker got the sort of help he needed. A place where they could all still meet and be friends and be family. Not somewhere with no pain, but somewhere softer.

The next month I finally got a PCP, and at the ass crack of 2017 I finally got medicated again.

I had already posted the first chapter of The Apprenticeship and energized by the meds and the reviews I got hard to work on finishing that story.

Funny thing about medicine, it’s a hassle and often the first thing you take is a unique struggle that requires adjustment. My first medication seemed great! For about two weeks! Then I developed a hand tremor so serious I couldn’t feed myself. That night I seriously struggled to not drive my car into the oncoming traffic lane and avoided all bridges on my way home from work. What I took helped my depressive symptoms but made my anxiety worse. The hand tremor was also a serious and rare side effect. The next day I was off that medicine and on a new one along with gabapentin to help the tremors.

Writing was difficult as fuck with my fingers shaking and twitching on the keyboard but I needed it as much as my medicine.

The new stuff worked out much better for me, we tweaked the dosage and I’m still on it. I’m glad to be on it!

Let’s do a little time skip shall we? That summer, a year after my experience at PES, I started writing Declarations. I wanted to see more Ahsoka & Obi-Wan content. They seemed like two people who should be close friends, have more of a father-daughter relationship, and general be together more than they were on screen. I found the idea of two Temple raised Jedi, who seem to break a bit from the mold and thinking of the Order, exploring their feelings for one another to be fascinating. I quickly realized that it would work really well to show that they are both mentally ill as well. I don’t like the term “mental illness” but it is accurate so I use it.

So I seeded it in from the start. I wanted to have two good people with anxiety and depression and PTSD and who knows what else find each other and help each other out! I wanted Ahsoka and Obi-Wan to be happy damn it!

So I started writing the story I wanted to see.

And unwittingly did what I had already been doing, pouring my own personal self into the story.

I’m not saying that putting some of yourself into your writing is bad, it really isn’t! Writing can be an amazing tool to explore your own experiences and sort your own feelings. I had been using it for over a year at that point to help cope with my own awful experiences, many of which I was still having to live with and through.

What happened for me is that I put a little too much of myself into this story. At the same time I was doing that my supervisor had gotten even stranger and in some ways worse. I didn’t have daily dread of being fired but I still had daily dread over who I would find when I arrived. My supervisor came in two flavors: Angry and Blaming, or Sweet and Frivolous. I still can’t decide if she was really just that abusive or if she also could use a helping hand in the mental health department. I really can’t. She did abuse me verbally and emotionally at work, she did gaslight me, she did scare me. I’m not saying that she wasn’t an abuser at all but I just don’t know if she was that way because she needs help too.

I hope she gets help if she needs it. But I’ll be grateful if I never have to see her again in my life.

Back to Declarations.

I put too much in and it had great reviews and lots of love, and I got very nervous and defensive over it. Too defensive and nervous over it. I really want to shout out to White_Ithiliel again, because she really helped me make this fic A LOT BETTER. Like, A LOT. Y’all don’t even realize what she has saved you from!! In the process she also has had to deal with my wild anxiety issues and defensiveness.

Seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for this fic and your endless patience with me!

The latest chapter I wrote in the spring of 2018, we started going back and forth with edits in the summer, and then I panicked over a good question and point she made. She wrote back and I very nervously peeked at her cropped response (the “show less” version) sometime around October 2018. My abusive supervisor had left but I had been asked to work with/under another lady who wasn’t not my supervisor. She was almost equally bad in another direction for me. My anxiety spiked and my depression got terrible again around the time we were working on this chapter. I saw literally half a sentence and read it weirdly, panicked, had a good cry, and closed the document.

I literally haven’t been in the head space to look at it since then.

My best friend moved in with me that fall, but he’d just had a suicide attempt a few month before. My own mental health, as I mentioned, was plummeting. This past winter my depression got out of hand. I stopped going to my band practices, I nearly stopped writing, I was exhausted. The only reason I didn’t go back to eating poorly and treating myself like shit was because he was there, and just having someone be physically there who I knew cared about me made a huge difference. If I had popcorn for dinner too often, he’d make us a frozen pizza. If I drank too much (and I abused alcohol this past winter for sure), he was there to help me with the hangover and violent sickness. Thank god for my best friend! My suicidal ideation went up but I didn’t become suicidal. This was the first winter in almost a decade where I haven’t wanted to seriously kill myself at some point. I had flashes of it, moments where the bottom of the world dropped out but they lasted for minutes or hours instead of weeks and months.

I talk to him a lot about my fics and fandoms, and he very patiently listens and helps me work through it all. He lets me read him what I’ve written or what I’m reading if I think it’s funny, and we talked a lot about this chapter of Declarations and my reaction to a sincere question regarding its content and characterizations. He offered to look at the chapter with me and see what my editor/beta’s response had actually been versus what I was afraid it was.

I turned him down in November for that because I realized I needed space and time away from this particular fic. This story where I made myself into Ahsoka and Obi-Wan and Anakin, which I could no longer separate the fictional world I had created from the emotions I was feeling about my “real life”.

White_Ithiliel, I am so SO sorry I never responded. I know my silence was probably anxiety inducing too. I want to say again that you didn’t do anything wrong or rude or mean to me. I just wasn’t mentally in a place to be doing what I was doing, and needed to turn myself off and on again.

Today, after having a full week of writing and nearly daily updating fics I enjoy I realized that my life has changed since winter.

I am at a new job with wonderful people that I really enjoy. It pays better so I’m also less stressed about money. My benefits finally kick in today and I plan on getting me a therapist soon along with a new PCP. I’m doing alright. I’m doing better than I have in years.

A huge part of that is thanks to having people PM me here on tumblr and being so genuinely enthusiastic about the stories that I write. So here’s to you all for helping me through my funk over the years, giving me ideas, and giving me a damn good laugh! dontcallmebugaboo

thirdbroomstick

woeful-woods

bobkitten

Gabby(Kirasoka)

And of course ithiliel-the-french-tolkiendil (AKA White_Ithiliel)

Y’all have been life savers, maybe even more so than I realized until I decided to write this whole crazy thing out!

Thanks to all of you, even those who just leave me a kudos or a like, I’ve been trucking along. Fandom has literally saved my life multiple times, and probably will again.

So today, feeling high on my new found writing powers, I finally went in and finished editing for the latest chapter of Declarations! Hell yeah me! :D

That said! I’m putting it on a formal hiatus!

I have the next chapter written (not edited) and several chapter ideas throw out on the page, but I also think I still need more time away from this story. I want to finish Declarations (y’all don’t understand how BADLY I WANT TO FINISH IT), but I also know that right now, where we are, we are literally on SEASON ONE, EPISODE 2.

Legit the next chapter takes place after the malevolence (AKA Episode 2 of season 1).

And we are currently over 32k in.

This is gonna be a long ass haul fic everybody. I didn’t expect it to be, I didn’t mean it to be, I wasn’t planning on it. I meant for it to be maybe 10 chapters and be super vague about the timeline.

But I think I’m just as much in love with this story as a lot of you are and dang it I want more! That means I have to write more, and that means I need to give myself space to actually be approaching it as a story.

And not as something I wish was happening in my life.

To anyone still reading, thank you, this thing was long than some of the stories I’ve written! But I wanted to share this. Yes, to explain why Declarations is currently in carbonite. But more importantly to talk about mental health.

Mental health fucking sucks my dudes. It’s hard and it’s messy and sometimes it comes out of nowhere and then leaves after eating your favorite snacks and cold clocking you at 3 AM.

I’ve been on a hell of a journey.

And a lot of you are too.

I’m not “tumblr famous” and I don’t think I’m any sort of well known fandom writer. But There’s enough of you out there that I wanted to post this in case you need to know that you’re not alone out there.

If any of you EVER need to talk, please shoot me a message! I’m legit down to talk about my fics, about your fics, about meta, theories, characters, what ifs, AU’s, etc. I’m ALSO legit down to talk about mental health and all the messy things that come with that. If you want to chat with someone about your fears, your ideation, your intrusive thoughts, HIT ME UP!

You’ve all been here for me, even though you didn’t know it.

I’d like to return that favor. So anytime, anyplace, please hit me up. I promise, nothing you’ve done is unacceptable or beyond the line. 

After all, in case you’d like a breakdown of the way I had a breakdown this last year, in the span of 10 hours I literally: 

Accidentally self inserted myself into a fic and didn’t realize it until asked about why characters were acting that way, got angry over someone not knowing what I didn’t even know especially when it wasn’t explicit, then immediately felt like the Worst Person ever for getting mad and anxious, went home and cried ugly sobs on my cat, debated if I deserved to live before immediately deciding that DUH OF COURSE I DO, but that I was just a sad sack and everyone knew it, ate one single can of vienna sausage directly out of the can for dinner, washed it down with waaaay too much box wine, cried again about fictional characters because I had “ruined” them, asked my best friend (drunkenly mind you) if I was a good person because I thought I was secretly the worst and a manipulator b/c I self inserted myself into my own fanfiction, and then spent the next 6 months or so anxiously opening and closing my google doc in fear of What I Might Learn About Myself or worse the discovery that I Had Been A Bad Person b/c I stated my thought process out clearly but obviously that’s just “mean” to do because I am a bad and can’t not do mean or something! 

Like...I get why I did it but fucks sake me. It took a lot of broken logic to get there. Looking back I don’t know how I did that actually. This is a self call out. I am @ing myself.

So, yeah.

Not sure how to end this. So...uh, feel free to talk to me if you want to!

[harrysdimples]

sooo...it’s the legend @btapants’ birthday and me and my main partner in crime daria @britneytshirt both came up with this idea and whipped up a lil somethin somethin for celine to read! we just want you to know how loved you are celine and how you influence us all to be better people! we all love you and had a few things to say :)

@bidonnas (aka mik):  i followed celine like ages ago bc i was looking for more harries to follow and she seemed so sweet and, like, a Quality™ blog and we've been mutuals for ages as well and we like sent each other asks for like ask games and tagged each other in tag games but we didn't start talking more until the first gc in like march of this year and i do not regret a single thing of entering that gc bc i got to meet my birlfriend, now my bife. we've just gotten closer over the past 6 months of being in so many different groupchats with each other and i love everything about her. she's funny, she's kind and sweet, and she loves mamma mia. i mean, who could ask for more?? fjdkgksdljkfg celine deserves the whole world and all the love in the world and i love her so so so much!!!!

@guccifloralsuits (aka violet):  Celine, you already know it but literally love you tons, you make my experience as a harrie stan so much brighter :) I'll always remember the #funkirk days and times we've been throught - from the discourse days to the crazy concerts & I can't wait to see what this next year for you & us brings! You're so easy to talk to and fun to share this experience with! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALL MY LOVE TO YOU 💖

@annaonvinyl (aka essie): Celine, Celine... I believe we've been mutuals not for that long and i do remember checking my notifications and seeing that she followed me i kid you not when i say i nearly had a moment because i would constantly see her posts and people talking so nicely about her. i can now understand why people kept saying sweet things about Celine, i mean she's amazing! if you aren't following her please do me a favour, go to her blog and press that follow, just... do it. celine is so sweet and funny, her blog is the perfect mix of aesthetic and relatable and not to mention she's so freaking stunning? i mean... have you seen her? model material, i'm telling you. so in conclusion what i want to say is celine is gorgeous and so nice and i love her! tanti auguri bella! spero che tu abbia un bel anno davanti a te e tutto il meglio vada per te! goditi la giornata e sorridi molto (scusa il mio italiano arrugginito)

@signofthebis (aka petra): Happy birthday, Celine! ❤❤❤ You know why I followed you. Because of the tags you wrote under my bta pants gifset. And I knew in that moment... this is a person that gets it and I need her in my life. And then I was lucky enough to get into the biconic gc you started and I got to get to know you and wow? You're amazing. You're so funny and incredible and just... I stan forever??? You're truly a queen. ❤❤❤❤ One day your selfies are gonna kill me because you're that gorgeous. And honestly? What a way to go. So Celine, I hope you're having a wonderful day and may your life be filled with only the best of luck, may it be full of love and kindness because that's what you're giving to us and you deserve the same it in return. Ily ❤

@flowerfeasts (aka dani): I followed celine like a year ago because i used to see all my faves tagging her on my dash, so i thought she was very important and cool and i remember waiting like a few weeks to follow her cause i somehow thought that would increase the chances of her following me back? lmao anyway, i still think she is very cool and i LOVE her fashion sense and she is a libra! that means she is awesome

@harryandcats (aka lejla): CELINE MY ANGELBOO!!!! I’m sooo bad with words and tbh?? there’s not enough words to describe how much u mean to me anyway smh you’re one of the sweetest, funniest and smartest (let’s just not mention your posts and the things you say something BDJDNDNDB) and loveliest people I know!! you’re also so silly sometimes but in a very cute and endearing way bdndn I could talk to you about literally anything, be it something deep or something random like poptarts bxjdndn speaking of poptarts we truly gotta meet someday and you’ll have to buy me lots of things and in return you’ll get the biggest hug of your life!!!! sounds like a plan if you ask me anYWAY I lov u with my whole heart, you’re my love, my life, my wife, my gf, my bitch, my boo, but most importantly: my dumbass ✌🏻😔 I hope you have the loveliest day!!!! Happy Birthday, Celine!! 💗🌈💕

@harrysnotechanges (aka kristyna):  Celine 💕💕 you are so funny and such a kind and generous person (not to mention gorgeous, ugh it’s not fair). I’m pretty sure I first started following you because of your url (I mean how much more iconic could you get,,, and I couldn’t agree more, the bta pants were the best pants Harry has ever worn tbh) and I stayed because you’re just an amazing human being. Ily 💕💕💕 Happy birthday!

@gettingdizzy (aka sav): I LOVE CELINE she is super kind and funny and like a little sister to me!! talking to her always makes my day better :) im not even sure why i started following her we probably got put in a gc together or something but im so glad i did!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILY

@nofoookingway (aka jess): Oh boy, lil Celine. The cutest bean I’ve ever seen. I know we don’t speak anymore bc I’m trash and got too overdramatic about a stupid lil thing, but I’m so glad that we still follow each other and I see you on my dash every day. Your posts never go without a typo, even if it’s just the tags, and that’s probably my favorite thing about you. You’re so expressive and so weird in the best of ways. I’m pretty sure you’re starting uni (if you’re not smack me), but I know you’re going to kill it. It’s hard af, and it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna hate it sometimes, but believe me when I say I know you can do it and that you will have a blast once you find your niche. If I can do it, you sure as hell can. I wholeheartedly believe that. Anyways, I hope your birthday is just as fun and amazing as you are. ilysm 💛💛

@leesh (aka leesh lol): HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope u have the absolute best birthday ever bc it’s what she deserves and i hope harry makes an appearance again looking absolutely fabulous bc it’s also what she deserves (maybe wearing the bta pants? yes i’m putting it into existence!!!!). i honestly can’t rmbr how or why i started following you, maybe it was a gc or maybe i just liked ur blog, i have a terrible memory, but i am SO GLAD whatever the reason I DID. i love seeing ur posts on my dash and i love seeing what you’ve got to say and i also love talking to u in gc’s and stuff. ur a cool gal and i’m glad we had a chance to become mutuals and pals. again i hope u have the best way day ever and get spoilt rotten. i love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💖✨

@kiwiintro (aka kayla):  Happy Birthday Celine Bean! I hope it's amazing I love u and you're so iconic and amazing and ur an actual Meme™️ sometimes anyways again I hope your birthday is amazing and have fun being 1(one) year older ❤

@harryftvans (aka teresa): celine my dearest witch princess and gentle air spirit happiest of birthday wishes to you!!! someone’s getting old lol anyway I wish u all the best and hope you have a great day and that a lot of other great days will follow because u only deserve happiness and love and ~good vibes~ in your life!! stay ur amazing self, you’re always so chill and laid back (which is nice in this hectic world gksndn) and even when you pull a zayn on us at the end of the day you’re always there for us, being supportive and it’s always a delight to talk to you and hear stories from you!!! great britain is blessed to have you for the next couple of months/years (hope u have a nice time at uni I believe in u) so yea enjoy your day hope it’s filled with lots of love and hugs!! i’m glad you’ve been brought into the world and i’m glad we were out in the same group chat I couldn’t imagine my days without u, love you v much💕

@pinkflaredpants (aka iris): No offence but it's been a whole ass year since we first heard medicine and still no fuckin studio version of sott.

@britneytshirt (aka daria): celine, remember the day we became mutuals? it’s definitely been a year(+) now, can you believe it’s been that long? i followed u not really expecting to be followed back and u followed me about .02 seconds later and honestly i was a lil shocked. so i put my insecurities aside and decided to text u and u said u just saw my url and liked it and followed me. like?! *harry voice* craziness right? anyway, i like to think of u as a little present from life. when we started talking i was very lonely and literally cried myself to sleep every other night and having a friend, you, to talk to made me realise nothing is ever that bad and in a way... gave me hope? you mean so much to me. you’re always fun to talk to, u always have the funniest things to say. and most importantly, i know i can always count on u for whatever, you’ll be there to listen to me. so thank u. i’m so grateful i have a celine in my life. i love u

me (aka moi): so....celine, where do I even start? from those very first few months when I joined this fandom in september last year we were close friends. we started our first conversation about old 1d memes and the rest is history. I don’t think there’s been a time in the last year or so where I haven’t spoken to you, and I really couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I look forward every day to chatting with you in the gc and i’m always just in awe of how accepting, loving, caring and truly inspiring you are as a person. I love hearing you speak italian in the rare voice messages you send, and especially your selfies (I will hold the belief that you should be a model to the grave I think tbh). you inspired me to love myself for who i am and we’ve grown as friends into something I never thought i’d reach. i’m never going to be able to fully articulate the weight you hold in my life or the impact you’ve had on me, and i’m bad at expressing my feelings anyway, but I just wanted you to know how LOVED you are, by me, and from everyone here. I can’t wait to eventually meet you once you’re settled over here and I can’t wait for the memories and shows we’ll make in the future. thank you for being you, and please never stop being your amazing self 💕

[medicalschoolinaustralia]

OzTREKK Ambassadors: A letter to new students and applicants

Hey friends, it’s Emma!

It’s been a wild year for everyone, so I wanted to check in and give a well-deserved shoutout.

Often when I mention that I moved to Australia for medical school, I’m met with pity.

People will say it’s so unfortunate I couldn’t come home for Christmas, that doing medical school online for 6 months must have been terrible, and that my current placements must be so limited for precautions.

Sure, I didn’t get to go home at Christmas due to fear of not getting back into Australia after, but I had friends here and was adopted into many families to make Australia feel more like home. Yes, I was doing online schooling for a few months, but my entire cohort was going through it at the same time—it wasn’t just me. Yes, Macquarie has had to reimagine our placements since we cannot go to India this year, but I’m still in the hospital seeing real patients gaining real experience.

So, all the assumptions may be true, and sure 2020 wasn’t easy on anyone. I want to make sure that the new class and incoming class of students feel SEEN.

To all of you who have just started your degrees “in” Australia but are studying back home in Canada, I see you. To all of you finishing your current degrees trying to apply to Australia for next year, I see you.

The online classes are never easy, and they are harder when they could be in the middle of the night! Knowing some of your class is in person but you’re “stuck” with an ocean dividing you is so hard, especially with so many of us in such hands-on, interactive, discussion-based courses like teaching, medicine, dentistry, and law.

But I hope you know how impressive you are to us—to the students already here in Australia. Facing up to so many unknowns and to a degree online is not an easy feat and you are DOING IT.

I am in awe of the dedication and determination you are all showing chasing your dreams across the world—even if that means being online for now.

I also want you all to know how welcome you are here! Sometimes the border closures feel a little personal, so I want to remind you all that those of us here in Aus are so excited to meet you! Classes must feel empty without their international counterparts and small without their full cohort. As the year continues, I know there are murmurs of opening for student visas and arrival with quarantine (of course don’t take my word for it; keep yourself up to date) and I am sure you are excited, and so are we!

Keep your eye on the horizon. We’re out here waiting for you!

See you soon,

Emma 3rd-year Macquarie medical student Follow me on Instagram!

[jacksgreysays]

All You Have To Do (Is Stay), Prologue (2018-02-06)

Prologue: Waking Up (Is Hard To Do)

---

All humans in the final moments of their lives are united by a single thought: I want to live.

This is not always actually true. Sometimes it is just the body hijacking the brain, a visceral desire to survive; a last ditch effort to spur a person into moving, into healing, anything for a few moments more. Other times it is fear of the unknown. What happens after death is a mystery, after all, and surely better the suffering we know than one we do not. And other times still it is just a person’s earthly attachments that make them cling in that final way--who will feed my cat, my best friend’s birthday is this weekend, my family will be devastated--but those slip away easily.

However, sometimes it is true. Sometimes a person will want to live. Sometimes a person dies before they think it is their time and they will want, wholeheartedly, to remain in the world of the living as terrible and wretched as it may be.

Some people are lucky and they get what they want: an ambulance with sirens screaming, EMTs surrounding them lifting them up, telling them it will be okay. Gurney wheeled down a hallway with lights so bright it sears their eyes, doctors and nurses yelling across to each other incomprehensible acronyms and numbers, the codes for a miracle.

Despite all this, it could be for naught. Monitors flatlined, a single resounding tone in a bubble of silence.

Some people are lucky and they get what they want, if only for a few moments.

Some people are unlucky and get what they want for lifetimes after that.

---

Shikako wakes up after dying and it is one of the worst experiences of her life.

She will not realize the irony of this thought for some time.

Of course, she does not yet know that her name is Shikako, either, only knows of who she was before she died and those awful moments during her death. Waking up after that is much like it, blind and bewildered, uncomfortable to the point of screaming and, seemingly, endless.

It will take her a while to figure out that she has been reborn--reincarnated to be more accurate--it will take her a little while longer to figure out she has been reborn four times.

Infancy is monotonous and drags on for a small eternity. Quadruple it? It is no surprise that when the opportunity came to make changes to her life, she took it.

She knows where and when she is--how could she not with Shikamaru right there, the biggest and most important piece of the puzzle--and sure it is fine to make little changes to her days, different clothes and drawings and books to read, but it is not enough. She is reliving a lie four times over and she just wants something for herself.

She has four lives, surely she’s allowed to be selfish in one of them. Selfish and afraid for she knows what is coming, what dangers await in the lifestyle of her family.

But she loves chakra too much to give it up, and that is its own kind of selfishness.

And so when the time comes, it is not a choice between Shogakkou and the Academy.

No, Shogakkou was never an option.

When the time comes, she makes the same choice three times. And a different choice entirely just once:

For once in Shikako Nara’s bizarrely quadrupled existence, she wakes up in a place entirely new. In one of Shikako Nara’s four lifetimes, she decides to become a monk of the Fire Temple.

---

She made one selfish, safe choice and when she wakes up the next day back in Konoha she immediately feels guilty. She knows what is coming and isn’t it her moral responsibility to do what she can to alleviate the suffering of those around her? How could she just run away like that?

But that decision has been made. Doesn’t mean she can’t make more--and, for all that this new quadrupled existence is its own kind of hell, there is a upside to it. She can make a very different choice and still stick to her previous one without any conflicts.

In this lifetime she chooses to do everything in her power to fix what she can.

It’ll be two years, a graduation, and arguably the worst genin team placement ever before she regrets this.

---

The differences between the remaining two lifetimes come about not out of any deliberate decisions on her part. It just makes sense to use her quadrupled existence efficiently, is all.

In one lifetime she is learning the ways of a Fire Temple monk, complete with their own unique techniques and traditions. In another she is already graduated, just the newest in Konoha’s long history of prodigies, completing D-ranks alongside Kabuto Yakushi of all people and trying not to give up any of her many secrets.

In the remaining two, she gets bored easily. Self-study helps with that. And it just makes sense to split up subjects: medicine and genjutsu in one lifetime, ninjutsu and sealing in the another. It also doesn’t hurt that, in the first, she actually pays attention to lessons; awake and, if not eager, then interested to learn what she had passed up for the Fire Temple and early graduation. In the second, those lectures are redundant, but she is much better during taijutsu spars--knowing what her opponent will do before they do makes it so easy, even if it does seem like cheating.

The Academy, despite all their faults, does actually try to make genin teams based on what they think would be best for their students.

It is only somewhat of a surprise when, in one lifetime, Shikako is put on Team One with a Nohara and one of the few boys in the class to show potential in genjutsu.

It’s a much more substantial surprise when, the next day and a lifetime over, she’s put on Team Seven instead.

---

All humans at the end of their lives think: I want to live.

Nobody suspects it might be granted like this.

~

A/N: Apparently spite-writing is a thing, because I’m still a little angry from yesterday and I’m just like... well... you don’t like this thing I worked hard on? I’M GONNA WRITE STUFF THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SHOW!

So... here you go. 

I was narcissistically reading through some of my older brainstorms and happened upon the All You Have To Do (Is Stay) post and since the Guide series is also about a dimension-hopping Shikako (though in an entirely different way) I guess my brain was in the right state to tackle it.

I wrote it on google docs first before transferring it here (as opposed to my usual method of writing on a Sticky and transferring) and I guess there’s something to be said about using a different medium because there’s a slight difference in style.

Maybe I’ll experiment with this?