#i know not every disabled person feels the same tho and that's valid too!

[yardsards]

on one hand it's probably for the best that there were no jokes about rainer's disability but on the other hand, rainer absolutely strikes me as a fellow member of the "uses our visible disability for lame puns and prop comedy" gang

[agusvedder]

I DON’T CARE if this doesn’t get any notes. I need to vent.

My name is Agustina, I’m 27 years old. I’m a nonbinary, queer, latinx person, parent of a 4 year old, non-verbal authistic child. I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I’m 9 thousand kilometers away from the woman I love.

I’m not a victim. I am a minority. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I started watching Supernatural in 2015, you know, being a stay-at-home parent, who dropped her career and her job to live the first years of their child, there wasn’t much I could do in my free time but to watch a show. I caught a few episodes of season 11 on tv and then I decided to start from zero. I always acknowledged how problematic it was in terms of representation, but always saw small threads of light filtering in the message it sent, recognizing how its writers were trying to shed a little light, creating a jenga tower of storylines and new characters, only to be thrown away by poor, useless deaths and the erasure of said characters.

Since my first run on season 1 I related to Dean. I saw myself on him. (I will never be as brave and cool as him tho, never ever, but his personality traits, some of his family issues, his self worth issues, his loneliness, his unaddressed childhood trauma, his growth in a circle of violence, his reticence to address his feelings until he explodes?... Yeah. There are days where my girlfriend makes fun of me saying “Ok Dean”). I kept looking up to Dean in his geekiness, in his way he always put his life on the line to protect the people he loves and put them always first… even in the supernatural side of the storyline, he still was profoundly human and abnegated to the people in his life. Also because I’m deeply in love with Castiel but that’s another subject. Thanks to this show, I’ve found people in my own country who now I recognize as my family beyond SPN, who helped me accept myself the way I am, who are always there for me. My found family, my chosen family. Because family don’t end in blood, because family cares about you, not only for what you can do for them, because that’s what all of us have in common, and why this show resonated as strongly as it did for us. That’s why we found each other and ourselves in the process, in a circle of love, support, non-judgement and willingness to find a family in ourselves when our own blood relatives ignored us, abused us, refused to recognize us. We’ve found love and family. I’ve found the woman with whom I wanna spend the rest of my life with because of this show.

That’s the power of this story. I know my small circle is not the only one who lived this, who continues to live it.

I can talk about this forever, but there’s something I wanna talk about specifically here. When the ending aired.. what I felt was… like a bucket of cold water was thrown over my head. You know when your parents come home, or call you and give you the devastating news that someone you love died? that exact feeling. The adrenaline, the heartbreak, the feeling of loss. 

The whole season 15 and 15 years of storyline were completely overturned. The misogyny the writers tried so hard to erase, it was there again, in a faceless woman who was supposed to represent the person a lead chose to spend the rest of his life with, reduced to a lilac dress, a blurry face and a uterus. We never seen acknowledged the existence of Eileen Leahy, Sam Winchester’s romantic interest since season 11, his perfect partner whose disability wasn’t an obstacle for her to be a badass hunter. (BUT COVID!! <- No. Eileen Leahy appeared in two episodes this season without Shoshannah being on set: Last Holiday and Despair. If they wanted to include her, they would have. They didn’t because they don’t give a FUCK). Sam Winchester is an academic, a witch, a leader, a powerful hunter, a kind human being, and the ending that was given to him was living an unfulfilled life, dying at a ridiculous young age, having a son only to replace his dead brother? It was sad. Sammy deserved better. He always did.

My beloved Dean Winchester, who I love so deeply, who taught me a lot about myself, about life, love, family, about *ejem* VICIOUS CIRCLES and the power of breaking free from them, of learning to embrace one’s self, our real tastes, our real identity, to come out of a shadow of being reduced to someone’s caretaker instead of having an identity of our own, to spend life loving family the healthy amount.. well, he was killed in a ridiculous way, on a milk run of a hunt.  After being eager and ready to kill himself so many times. After all he’s been through, after saying he’s good with who he is, after considering retirement, after standing up to his dad, saying he already has a family, ready to cut the “I’m Okay” bullshit, address his feelings, his trauma, don’t letting those define him. He deserved better. He always wanted a family, he always wanted to break free from the version of himself he was created to be, “daddy’s blunt little instrument” (For fuck’s sake, he even said it in the same show 10’ before dying, man. If we don’t keep living, the sacrifice the people who died for us did, was for nothing). Are you telling me this man really would refuse his brother to call an ambulance? Refused his brother to get the first aid kit even knowing it was more serious than his brother thought? He was ready to live. He CHOSE life, and at the end his choice was stripped away from him. He clearly was a bisexual man and they never explored it.

Cas. The misfit. The fish outside of the water. Ambiguous gender and sexuality. Finally makes a homosexual declaration of love after all he’s been through. After being brainwashed, used, suicidal, isolated. After telling Sam and Dean he loved them more than once, that they meant everything for him. After confessing he’s been in love with Dean since he pulled him out of hell…. Was erased from the story. Erased, literally. Two emotionless mentions aren’t enough for a 12 year old family member who pulled both brothers out of hell, who died for them more than once, who until 2 seasons ago he didn’t even feel like he belonged there ‘cause he was never told he was loved. No one ever told him “I love you” back. Not Jack, not Sam, not Dean, not Mary. No one. Ever. And still, he died for love. And with his death, he was erased from the finale, being that the first finale Castiel wasn’t in since his appearance on the show. He deserved better. 

All roads lead to Rome and you know what we got at the end of that road? a bottomless pit of NOTHING. The building up towards a different end isn’t just in s15. It’s been there for years and years. And if you watch the show, you see it at plain sight.

 

Sam Winchester hurried to die to reunite with his brother in heaven EVEN WHEN HE SPENT 30 MORE YEARS WITH A WIFE AND A KID he only wanted to die to go back to his brother? it’s insane, it’s ridiculous. That’s not what the show has been about for seasons now. SEASONS. The road was paved towards a healthy brotherly bond, each brother living their future the way they wanted, finally breaking free from the curse John dropped on Dean that Sam’s destiny was in his hands. No no. What was that? Did it ever happen? Was it a fever dream? They really destroyed everything in 38 minutes of the finale? 

Stupid. 

Representation is important, stories are important. They change lives. You know how it changed mine? After I saw Jonathan Van Ness coming out as non-binary, I started to realize how I never called myself "a woman, a girl" or anything like that, how my "female presenting" aesthetic changes drastically depending on how I feel when I wake up  how I always called myself a "person", no gender involved. I realized I was a non-binary person even after becoming a parent. Thanks to Jonathan Van Ness. Thanks to seeing a person like her being unapologetically herself. 

Representation matters. 

It matters. 

It helped my mom understand me when I was 13 and had a girlfriend. It helped my dad educate himself about trans identities. It helped my sister understand about her demisexuality. It helps break circles of ignorance and stereotypes. It helps people process what these characters wanna tell, and realize they're human beings above it all. We suffer, we laugh, we grieve. We love. We exist. 

Supernatural missed a chance to be a historical show in terms of representation. And it breaks my heart.  I cant believe they decided to erase Dean's sexuality, to erase Castiel after saying loud and proud he's in love with a man, to erase Eileen whose disability only was a disadvantage when they KILLED HER in the most ableistic way in s11, to never show Charlie and her girlfriend again, that they decided to make God bisexual AND a villain, thay they decided to turn the only regular non-binary character of color into the villain too (Billie).

I'm still grieving.

This is why "a stupid show" is so important for me, and for lot of people like me. Cause representation can change lives. Stories can change lives. It certainly changed mine, and I'm not the only one. 

Don't let anyone tell you you're just a butthurt fan because you're suffering this ending. Every one of us have a story and this is mine. All of us are valid, our feelings are valid. And we'll get through this eventually

[celestianstars]

Idk if it’s just destined for Black girls to have trauma why their mother and father (or father figures) but I’m literally so tired literally and configertively So I have my band account (cause I’m on disability) and my mom has access to it and so like she would text me and be like “I moved money to pay for ____” and like I don’t mind helping hell I give a stranger 100 dollars if they asked for it but my mother doesn’t ask me first just say she did it but promises to pay it back when xyz money gets here and like I use to believe it but now I’m just don’t believe it anymore. I just feel really taken advantage of and like she is using me for my money and she sometimes takes money to go shopping for her and I’m just so frustrated like taken it for necessities is one thing but to take it to shop is another, not to mention I don’t feel safe or comfortable with her having access to my account cause a few times when I order food for myself she would immediately call me and be like did you know you spent this on food and it almost feels like I can’t use my own money or like he’s spying on me....and my birthday is coming up and she’s steadily taking money out to the point where I probably can’t even buy myself what I wanted to.

Like don’t get me wrong I love my mother but at the same time I want her to grow tf up and maybe take responsibility and idk it’s just frustrating and sorry to unpack this all here I just can’t really talk to my family about it especially my sisters it cause it would cause a fight and I don’t want that to happen cause I hate confrontation especially when I feel it’s my fault or people fighting in general and then I don’t want to cause trouble between my mom and sisters so I’m sorry I unpacked this here.

Also same anon but I don’t wanna complain either because it could be worse people have lost everything during this pandemic so it’s like at least I have a home (even though I hate the environment) and at least I have some money but Idk it just all around sucks and I feel bad for even complaining and feeling this way about it, like I kinda feel like a bad person because of it.

I understand how you feel and I’m so sorry you’re going through that ❤️ please please know that you’re not a bad person for “complaining” and I think you’re downplaying how much that situation hurts and is frustrating and that’s also hurting you my love 🥺

Just because others may have it worse elsewhere doesn’t mean your issues aren’t just as hurtful and just as impactful and difficult, because it is, and that’s often a way abusers or toxic people and patterns of behavior make us feel, like we shouldn’t complain bc others have it worse but aren’t you suffering as well? Isn’t that just as valid as someone else going through a tough time even if it’s for a different reason?

The answer is your pain and hurt are valid and you’re not a bad person for voicing that, people especially family will try and make you feel like the bad guy but that’s just not true and never was and never will be

You have every right to say hey this isn’t right, this is a slap in my face, this is robbing me of my money first off and my independence and fracturing my trust in my mom and that’s not cool and I deserve better, because you do deserve better!

What you feel is valid and I think you’re absolutely right that you’re being taken advantage of and it’s not fair and I’m sorry your mom is doing that and also in addition it puts you in a tough spot because speaking up about it causes confrontation and it’s just messy and scary and you don’t want things to get like that even tho rightfully you deserve to drag everyone doing you wrong

Your mom should be respectful of you and your finances, she can pull all the excuses in the book as to why she feels entitled to your money but at the end of the day, they will fall through bc you and her both know all she had to do was come to you politely and ask and you would have helped her out, she knows damn well it’s not right and I’m sorry you have to deal with that, it creates such a distrust and also doubt in yourself too when she’s questioning you like did you know you spent this much on so and so and making you feel like you have to tiptoe around buying anything, it’s harmful and she should know better

And I hope and pray things get better for you soon, I don’t blame you for not feeling safe with her having access to your account in this way and I hope you’re able to find yourself in a better situation soon cause I absolutely know what that feels like to just feel stuck and unsafe and hurt by parental figures, you deserve better and you’re never ever bad or wrong for saying that something hurts you, it’s good to voice your feelings! ❤️❤️❤️ I’m here if you ever need anything!

[asiryn]

Hi I hope you dont mind me ranting to you, Idk who else to talk to bt I saw some of your anti sokai posts and I thought maybe you may understand me. I'm literally so sick of sokai stans defending the shit out of their ship when you literally say you dont like the ship. ah ??? (p1)

(p2) I don’t like kairi tbh bt thats -MY- opinion ?? I get so pissed off when they keep trying to defend her n making me look like a monster for “hurting” their precious girl. Makes me hate kairi evn more tbh

Hey there, I don’t mind at all!! (sorry this is such a late reply, but so it goes with disability ://) Sometimes you just need to let the salt flow a bit, and I totally understand feeling isolated in situations like this. And you’re welcome to stop by here any time! (just, you know…..be aware that it may take me a while to be able to respond, but i promise i will do my utmost to get there eventually XDD)

Shipping is such a tricky thing to navigate sometimes, bc like….I both do and do not get SoKai shippers, in particular. Bc on the one hand, I absolutely do get feeling defensive of your ship, and sometimes you’re just plain not in the mood to want to hear criticism, and just want to sit with whatever joy you can get from your ships. I can respect that, bc I get those urges too from time to time. But on the other hand…..idk, maybe it’s just bc I’m a pretty analytical person by nature, and no matter how much I may love a particular thing, I am absolutely going to critique the shit out of it, and call it out if I think it did something wrong or could do better, so I don’t really get it when ppl are in denial about the presence of flaws in whatever the Thing is. And on a fundamental level, I just believe that criticism isn’t the same thing as bashing, and it’s not me hating on the Thing by saying that it could do better, you know?

But yeah…..the more ppl double down on it, the saltier I get, ngl XDD Personally, I wouldn’t say that I hate SoKai itself, or Kairi, but I do absolutely hate the writing that’s been inflicted upon them, and am just…….forever baffled by it, bc it’s like the writers can give at least decent writing to literally anyone in this goddamn series except for Kairi, and I do not fucking understand what their damage is with this, lmaooo. 

But yeah, diehard Stans of anything are typically annoying to deal with, and the idea that you’re “hurting” Kairi by not liking her is pretty ridiculous. I mean, of all the characters, Namine’s probably the one I’d “Stan” the most, but you know what? If you don’t like her, fine by me! I’m not gonna lose sleep over it, and ppl just have different preferences, and that’s okay. And I think it’s perfectly valid if all this terrible writing has forever put you off Kairi and SoKai. God knows that, as it stands, canon SoKai has kinda ascended to the level of a NOTP for me now, not bc I hate either of them, but bc I’m just filled with so much frustration about how much of a disservice the writers have done to both of their characters and their relationship, and I’m furious bc it could have been SO EASY to fix this, and that they’ve literally squandered nearly every opportunity for it. >_> (ftr, i’m still okay with them in fanfic when there’s decent writing and it’s a full sorikai polyamorous ship XP) But that’s me, and I can absolutely see why other ppl are completely done with it all, bc frankly, the writers haven’t exactly given much in the way of trust that things will improve in the future (tho if melody of memory is truly a kairi-centric game, then i do have the tiniest sprig of hope for it, even if it’s only the tiniest of steps; and if we are indeed getting a kh anime, then depending on how willing they are to deviate from game canon, then i have a seed of hope for that as well). In any case, I think being able to recognize and be vocal about flaws as consumers is never a bad thing, and the sooner that fandom can learn the difference between bashing and genuine critique, the better. (also, you can still totally like flawed things ppl!!! having flaws isn’t the end of the world!!! besides, what do we gain by refusing to be honest about it?? you’ll eventually suffocate under all that sand XP)

(also, pro-tip to all shippers: dog piling on anyone is never going to work as a way to endear them to your ship, and really is only going to make them resent it and you even more, so pls stop doing it /end psa XP)

tl;dr: you’re 100% valid, and if you need a space to rant, I’m always here!! :)

[jeanmoreaux]

6, 9, 15, 25, & 26 for the book ask!!!!

6. Are you the type of person who will read a book to the end whether you like it or not, or will you put it down straight away if you’re not feeling into it?

oh, definitely the first one. i tend to skim pages tho, if i don’t enjoy the book. i just want to finish it so i can be 100% certain that it sucked.

9. Are you for or against multiple narrators in the same book?

that really depends on execution. if it’s well done and works for the story that is told i love multiple narratives. since it is more demanding to write tho, not every author manages to incorporate multiple narratives into a cohesive story. so especially when it’s an author i haven’t read before, i am more likely to pick up a book that only features a single narrative.

15.  Do you agree that Jane Eyre should be considered a feminist novel?

lmaooo 5 years ago in high school, i read jane eyre for my english final, and my teacher asked me this exact question, and i think i’ll answer it with the same notion now as i did back then: it really depends on what you think makes a feminist novel truly feminist. is it only important to look at where the characters end up or is it also important to consider the implications of the journey that led them there?  jane ends up wealthy, self-sufficient, and married to the man she loves—she is clearly made out to be rochester’s equal at the end of the story. i know why many people would argue that it is feminist, and their reading of the novel is ofc valid, but i think it’s crucial to keep in mind that it is only after jane inherited money from a wealthy male relative (and this is important: not earned, inherited) and rochester is blind and disable that they meet on equal footing. it’s only when rochester lost everything—his material wealth, his social circle, his bodily well-being—that jane can become his equal. and that’s not truly feminist. and if you think about how marriage meant that all of her wealth became rochester’s wealth..... also, don’t even get me started on the entire “mad woman in the attic” thing, because there you can not only make an argument for sexism but also racism. all in all i think it’s really hard to answer this question bc readings of literature are incredibly subjective, and while i enjoyed some feminist aspects represented in the novel, i wouldn’t necessarily call it feminist as a whole.

25. Do you enjoy concepts in books to be concrete or abstract?

abstract concepts have more to offer from a literary criticism/analysis standpoint, so i think i slightly prefer them. but there are many, many great book with concrete concepts too.

26. A book you studied in school and ended up loving?

answered here

*✧ — bookish asks

[ahhhsami]

What are your favorite things about the ATLA and TLOK main characters?

There’s so much to say about each character!

Aang: He was literally 12 when he had to save the world from a dictator who believed that there were superior benders and decided genocide was the way to go. He mastered all four elements at an alarmingly fast rate. But even with all of this responsibility, he still somehow had time to be a kid too.

Katara: Katara’s positive traits could go on forever. She was mature and brave. She showed that girls could be just as good or better than boys. She didn’t take anyone’s shit and stuck to what she felt was right. Plus the development of her bending from episode 1 to the final episode is ridiculous. Her bending was so graceful and beautiful to watch. (That blood bending episode tho!)

Sokka: Sokka was obviously the comedic relief, but that didn’t reduce his character. He was strong, intelligent, strategic, and overall a good leader. Although each character has strong traits to be a leader, Sokka I think, was the best. Plus he was an amazing older brother.

Toph: She’s tied with Zuko as my favorite character. I always looked up to her strength and confidence. But also the fact that she overcame her disability and used it to be stronger. She defied the norms and broke down walls(no pun intended). Her sass too, my god.

Zuko: Character development is all I gotta say. His arc was absolutely beautiful and was really touching. It was so cool to see how his bending developed and changed with his character. At first he was reckless and dangerous and then he became patient and thoughtful, but even more powerful. The Agni Kai with Azula will be one of my favorite scenes ever animated.

Iroh: I love him. He was the foundation of Zuko’s development. He was the rock that held that unstable young man together. He guided him as well as many of the other characters, including Korra. Literally how can you hate a man who sang “Leaves From The Vine.”

Azula: Azula, man. She was 14 when all of this happened. She was damaged and out of control. But no matter what you can’t hate her. You just feel pain instead. No young woman deserves to go through what she had. She was emotionally and probably physically abused, but still stayed standing. Even though her beliefs were distorted, she still was a very strong person in every sense.

If you want to know what I think of other characters, feel free to just ask.

The TLOK main cast is under the ‘keep reading’

Korra: Dude, I disliked her so much for two seasons. I thought she was hot headed, immature, spontaneous to a fault, and so much more. But this made me appreciate her as she grew as a character. She felt more real since she wasn’t perfect. Since she had faults and had to learn how to deal with this. She overcame obstacle after obstacle, even mental illness. Plus she’s queer, which makes her even better because it validates my own identity. Something I never expected when growing up. 

Asami: My blog is named after her. She’s easily my favorite character from TLOK. She’s intelligent, physically my type if she weren’t animated, absolutely selfless, runs her own company, lost both her parents, and so much more. I feel like many people over look how strong of a character she is. But at least Korra didn’t miss that haha.

Mako: I like Mako. Yeah the whole love triangle was stupid. But he’s as loyal as they come. He would risk his life for anyone he loves and do whatever is needed for the greater good. Again, like Sokka, he’s an amazing older brother.

Bolin: He’s so real. He’s emotional, caring, hesitant yet brave at the same time, thoughtful, and such a cute little boyfriend for Opal. He’s such a greta character to show to young boys that you can be emotional and that doesn’t mean that your weak. I mean he ugly cried!

Tenzin: Similar to Iroh, Tenzin guided these characters to become better. He helped and supported each and every one of them. But what makes him even more amazing, is that he grew and learned too. He was headstrong and set in his ways, but overtime her learned to be even more accepting and understanding. I really liked his character arc with his siblings.

But really, if you want to know my opinion on the villains or sub characters, just ask and I shall give.

[multi-fandom-disaster]

Awareness Post Please read all of it and feel free to add on with your own experiences and opinions

So, this is coming out of no where but I just wanted to share this since school is (hopefully) starting up in a month. ADHD is a commonly ignored learning disorder so if any teachers (or fellow students) are reading this DONT SCROLL. This is really important. If you don’t know what ADHD is or feels like, here’s a simple explanation:

Everyone has a secretary in our brains. They help us remember to do simple tasks like do the laundry, or study, etc. The “secretary” basically coordinates all of the activities we do, when we do them, how we do them, if and when we finish them, and more. That is the secretary’s most important job.

But in people with ADHD (including myself), sometimes the secretary takes random breaks. This means that when the secretary is “on their break” all of that information that we need to handle and all of the things we need to to are still there and we have trouble putting that into action. It’s kind of a spectrum. For people lower on the spectrum, the secretary take short breaks every once and a while and it’s not as easy to get things done but for people higher up on the spectrum, half the time we don’t know where that bitch went and we’re left to figure out all of this info and all these tasks that the secretary would usually handle and it takes much longer and sometimes doesn’t even get done at all.

You may be asking “what does this have to do with school?” Well, without a mind secretary telling me exactly how to get things done quickly and efficiently, school is HARD. I almost got failing grades one year. Thankfully I have my parents to help me through challenges like that. But they can’t always help with that stuff so that is why some schools offer to make a 504 plan. In 504 plans students with ADHD or other learning disabilities get certain accommodations according to their needs. With ADHD it’s usually more time for tests, modified homework for certain assignments, and teacher check-ins.

The problem is, however, some teachers COMPLETELY DISREGARD the needs of the students. This is what happened to me in 8th grade. ITS NOT FUN. (not tryna throw shade or anything but still) anyway, when students with ADHD don’t get the accommodations that they NEED, it is VERY stressful. (I’m talking crying at night and panic attacks from my experience.) And it’s EVEN WORSE with online school.

SO, to all the teachers out there:

PLEASE, It is not just a learning suggestion, it is YOUR JOB to help students learn the best they can.

And to all of the students out there with ADHD:

I AM HERE TO TALK, I’ve been through so much dumb shit at my school because of teachers who don’t know what it’s like. I will try my best to help u with school work if u need it too :)  (I’m going into 9th grade tho so I might not be a huge help)

And lastly, to all of the friends of students with learning disabilities:

Ask your friends how they are holding up during the school year. And tell them to tell the truth because they should be asking for help when they need it.

(P.S. to my friend who is following me and goes to the same school (you know who you are) thanks for being such a great friend you’ve helped more than you know)

And to everyone:

All learning disorders, mental illnesses, etc. are valid. I just have a personal experience with this one and I feel like this is a commonly overlooked problem.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

you ever just feel like...you get into something without really thinking and then you realize you made a huge mistake? (so basically you pulled a gob bluth) 

i just...

like that lady that came to observe, i mean she said she was mostly just there for the curriculum itself and not as much for me and what i was doing but i got this feedback thing of her notes and there is still a bunch of shit about my performance 

and it’s not that it’s even necessarily bad, i’m doing an average job apparently and there is some critique which...fine 

but just the head space i’m in right now i cannot...handle it?? 

it just feels shitty because i understand the need to make sure i’m doing a good job, i absolutely get that

but at the same time...i got thrown into this pretty fast

i didn’t complain and i knew that, but like...i didn’t have as much time to observe as i should have for one 

the time that i was supposed to co-teach ended up being a disaster because not only did the school not give us enough days (four instead of six) but we lost a day due to a tornado warning and i got sick so i actually couldn’t get up and speak 

in theory, yes, i could have told my supervisor i wasn’t ready or wanted more time but these classes were already scheduled and it would have been a major inconvenience to find someone else to do them or to at least come help me 

this is the first time i’ve been by myself and for some of these activities, the first time i’ve taught them at all so i realize i shouldn’t be too hard on myself but...idk, having someone evaluating my performance and reporting it back to our research institute as well as my main supervisor is kind of hitting me harder than it should even though it’s not even that bad of a review 

i’m most liable to do a shitty job at this stage and i realize that with more time with more practice etc etc that in theory i should get better at this and maybe i will but right now i just feel defeated tbh 

this is one of my biggest problems like...my self-esteem is so shitty that when i try to apply myself and i come up short i just give up 

i realize sucking is part of learning and that very few people are actually naturally masters at what they do straight out the gate 

that when kids learn how to walk they fall down a lot, i get that 

but i guess like...i dunno. i’m still trying to compensate for being that disabled kid. everyone was so amazed at how much better i was in spite of what i’d been through and what the projection was for my wellbeing that i guess i took those as standards and felt like i always had to surpass expectations 

and for a moment it almost looked like i would school-wise. but then i realized i’m really not that special and that took the wind out of my sails 

but still i keep trying and i keep coming up short and it fucking destroys me when i make a mistake, i have to fixate on it and torture myself with it and maybe in some cases you could say it’s a good thing because there are some things i will keep throwing myself into because if i don’t have at least one fucking thing i feel decent at i might as well just give up completely but...idk 

the problem is...this isn’t really something i want to do. it’s just...it’s not 

that’s not to say i had some kind of job in mind that i did want but...when i applied to this group it was specifically for the mental health aspect because that’s first and foremost what they do

my application got passed around until it ended up with this specific branch and i got an interview 

i knew a little before walking in, but i didn’t really know all the details until i was being interviewed and i remember when they told me that it would entail going into classes and teaching my brain was like, “run, fucking run, grab your shit and BOLT. topple the fucking chair, flip the table, but get out of here NOW” but...i didn’t. i just sat there quietly panicking and nodding and the next day i got offered the position 

and there was a part of me that wanted to say no. that wanted to decline and say ‘thank you, but no thank you’ but...

this was also the period in time in which it was becoming a regular thing for me to lock myself in the bathroom at work and full on sob and i was so tired and felt like i was being taken advantage of and i just desperately wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else (not to mention the clock was counting down for me to drop off my mom’s insurance and i take medicine daily so...that wasn’t going to happen) 

so i accepted 

and don’t get me wrong like...all of the people i’ve met are wonderful people, i really enjoy working with them, i think they’re cool as hell 

my benefits are pretty fucking amazing, i’m not going to lie. the price of the medication i pick up now is like...it’s incredible, tbh 

i appreciate the days in which i have some down time, which i know are probably going to disappear gradually as i keep moving forward but for the time being i’ve enjoyed being more laid back instead of having to get up at 4 in the morning and then spend 10 hours just...constantly having to be ON and dealing with people and situations and just...yeah, no. 

and yes, of course because of that i end up feeling guilty because i should be doing more, because i was lucky enough to have this opportunity and here i am bitching about it, because that’s the kind of asshole i am, right? 

something goes well for me and i can’t help but find a problem and then proceed to despair about it 

whine, whine, boo-hoo, honestly who gives a shit? 

i tell myself to knock it off but right now i just...i can’t 

because it’s just that slowly-sinking feeling of, “what do i do now?” 

i’m not going to quit, i know that. 

it’s not at a point where i feel like that’s my only option and i’m sure too once my mind becomes a little less ridiculous i’ll be a little more okay 

but just...i dunno

this isn’t something i want to do forever and ever. it’s not 

i don’t like public speaking in any form or fashion 

i don’t like having to stand in front of a bunch of kids, especially when i can see some of them rolling their eyes at me or laughing at me 

i don’t like a lot of the material i have to teach because honestly, i don’t think it’s realistic. i know my coworkers and i talk about this and i’m not the only one who feels this way and i know in spite of that, yes, we do have some good information to offer but...idk. because of the law it’s just not in line with anything i actually believe about this topic and a part of me dies inside every time a kid asks a question and...honestly, i agree with them and i want to validate their opinion but if i do i could get fined and faced legal repercussions so...i have to gently shut them down and i lose their trust, i lose that student because now they’re not going to take me seriously and it just...it really sucks 

if i could, i would pull up a chair and just talk as openly and honestly about all of this as i possibly could but i can’t and i can already tell that’s going to tear me down brick by brick the longer i do this 

i hate having to lie to these kids or discourage them when honestly, they’re on the right track 

i hate having these teachers congratulate me for doing it 

i feel like a used car salesman because even though i’m still giving you something that works, i’m dressing it up and trying to convince you it’s the best thing on the market or the most current and it’s just...it’s not.  

so that...yeah, that gets to me 

it gets to me because i’m worried now about my physical limitations 

i didn’t schedule these groups so i didn’t really have much control in that area, had i chances are i wouldn’t haven’t schedule this many classes back to back but...i dunno, maybe that’s really the only way this would have worked and maybe i’ll be in this kind of situation again down the road 

i tend to push myself past what my limits are as is and even though i’ve been fortunate today to have extra time to recoup i’m also sitting here beating myself the fuck up because i’m not going to the gym even though i’ve only been once this week 

because that’s another thing like...this past year i’ve made that a habit

i could make a whole entire other needlessly long post about my issues with my appearance and my weight and how i’ve fallen in and out of working out but suffice to say...i at least managed that this past year 

almost every week i’ve made it to the gym at least one time (usually two, sometimes three if i can swing it) and i noticed minor changes?? as of late i feel just personally like i’ve made some big ones but literally no one else seems to care or has said anything without me prompting so that’s...yeah 

but that’s fine, like whatever 

but it just sucks tho because i did and still do have to push myself on that and it is hard for me, but i’m trying to better myself and yet weeks like this i’m just reminded all the more that i’m always going to be a prisoner to my shit body because i’m also going to have this muscle weakness that hijacks everything and makes me feel terrible 

and to my credit, i’m sure had i not been going to the gym that i would be waaaay worse off right now after this week, i will give myself that but...still. it’s frustrating. 

but so...i dunno. i say all of this to really just say i don’t fucking know right now 

i just want to skip ahead to the point in my life where i’m somewhere i 100% want to be, where i feel comfortable and capable and where i’m just...i’m okay

i know it takes time, i know it takes going through experiences like these to get there, i know i could definitely be a lot worse off, i know, i know, i know i just...i still can’t help but wish and i realize it’s absolutely likely that i’ll never reach that 100% mark, that maybe at most i can clear 75% but i’d take that too 

i realize i need to treat this as a stepping stone, that i need to grit my teeth through the hard parts and just get on with it because life’s like that and giving up just...it’s not an option for various reasons so i just...i’m not giving up, that’s not what i’m saying, i’m just saying that right now i feel defeated, i feel upset, i feel kind of lost really 

i’m glad i’m not where i was, i know that at least although honestly there are some days when i almost wish i was still back there because at least i feel more confident in what i was doing than i do right now 

even though i hate interacting with people and answering phones and all that other shit, at least they were relatively brief encounters that even the shittiest of which i kind of just had to file somewhere in the back of my mind to have a break down about later because i had to keep going, there honestly just wasn’t time to get fixated on it (except towards the end there, still found time to fall apart on the clock aaaahaaa) 

but now it’s like...i have to stand up in front of a group of people that i’ll see for several days in a row for an hour each of those days and there’s not really an escape 

meanwhile i’m still just waiting for the day that all of the shit i’ve been repressing just finally bursts forth in spectacular fashion because i know i haven’t been dealing with shit properly  

now that i have insurance i should probably start looking into therapy although there’s a part of me that of-fucking-course is just like...no. no because i’m afraid and no because i can convince myself that it’s really not that necessary 

i’m not as self-destructive as i could be. my issues aren’t ultimately that bad in the grand scheme of things. other people have it worse. i’ve been managing so far on my own and i live a productive life so why should i? just because i might one day completely lose my shit and get swallowed up by all the hurt and pain and anger and worry and stress and pressure, it might not happen 

maybe if i just keep pushing myself and pushing myself and if i can repress and repress and repress eventually my hard work will pay off and i’ll finally be at a point that’s something like happiness and i won’t need to!!! sound reasonable, right? 

(i’m obviously kidding, please for the love of god don’t lecture me about how i should go, how it will be good for me, etc. etc. i know that in spite of my fears and bullshit justifications that it would be beneficial in the long run, i have a fucking degree in psychology, i’m one of the first people to advocate for seeking help, i know ok? i know) 

i just...whatever 

whatever, man, whatever 

i know this is...probably the lamest of all fucking lame things to ever be lame but

honestly the only thing that’s helping as far as keeping my centered and motivating me is that goddamn anime i won’t shut up about 

i know it’s flawed, i know it’s not the best thing in the universe, i know these things, i do. i’m not an idiot 

i know that yuuri isn’t the best representation there ever was or ever will be of a character who’s struggled with depression/anxiety but...it’s helping me, in spite of that 

i know on a surface level it sounds like bullshit when he’s like, ‘i got tired of being depressed’ and honestly, that’s bad wording but i kind of get what he means??? 

i have been depressed for as long as i can remember. i’ve said this multiple times like as an eight year old i remember praying that i would go to sleep and never wake up 

i didn’t know what suicide was but if i did that would have been the term i used because even as a child i was prone to misery, apparently and not because of direct circumstance but just...i have a bad brain 

my depression isn’t the worst depression that’s ever existed, nor is it the most damaging but i have it nevertheless and it makes me feel like shit frequently and immensely at times 

and yet...there’s really only so much of it even my self-indulgent ass can take 

there are really only so many days i can lay in the same spot and barely do anything before i feel like i have to do something, anything else, or else...i don’t know what.  

and no, i don’t jump out on the ice and start doing beautiful routines but i throw myself into something to distract myself 

media works to a certain extent with me??? it’s not because i tend to gravitate towards things that are sad, believe it or not i do have some silly, good-feels shit i enjoy, it’s just that sometimes zoning out while watching something or listening to something backfires and i become even more upset than i was before 

and so, i have to find something else, something that i can actually use my hands for figuratively speaking. 

i’ve already stated my problem with trying things and failing and then giving up, so hobby pursuits don’t tend to ease the pain, they just make me more frustrated than anything 

even video games that are easy as cake and laid back can leave me feeling incredibly frustrated and sometimes even anxious because i still don’t feel like i’m doing enough, i need something more 

and so...typically i’ve tried to throw myself into work or school 

that’s not to say i end up becoming the best worker or top student, because i don’t, it’s just...something that occupies my thoughts and my actions for a good portion of time and if i feel like i end up being decent at it i feel momentarily relieved and it’s enough 

i realize it’s probably not the ideal thing to throw myself into and that it ends up adding a certain amount of stress to my life and gives me a whole other slew of expectations that, when i fail to me them, ends up devastating me but...so far it’s worked better than anything else i’ve tried 

perhaps i’m projecting then, but i felt kind of like that’s where yuuri was coming from. he was at an all-time low and wallowed in it for a good bit but ultimately had to do something, anything, because he couldn’t stand being stagnant in it 

and that’s kind of where i’m at. obviously i didn’t go on to improve myself and find love and win a medal or anything and can i say i’m in a better place or that this is a better path? honestly no i mean...i have no idea. i certainly don’t feel like my mental health has improved significantly but maybe it would have gotten worse, who fucking knows 

i can’t advocate for what i’m doing or give any advice based off of it because like i said, i’m not entirely convinced this is actually a good way of handling shit and that at some point i’m going to build myself up and up and then it’s all going to come crashing down but...for right now it’s all i know to do, it’s what i feel compelled to do 

i realize i could have better sources of inspiration out there, but for whatever reason that one is resonating with me so i’ll keep it 

and in the mean time, like i said, i’m going to try to get through this even though it’s not really the best fit for me, for what i want to be doing 

maybe in a year, who knows, i’ll completely change my tune and i’ll be in love with this job and everything will be great, crazier things have happened i’m sure, but...for right now i’m kind of just trying to push myself through each day and form a plan

so far it’s to stick around long enough to continue my education and to find something i feel i dunno, at least somewhat passionate about that i could actually do without wanting to die inside???? 

anyway. i’ll stop complaining now, i know this is all nonsense and wah, anna’s upset about something even though it’s really not that bad, boo-fucking-hoo for the crybaby having herself a pity party (trust me, if you’re annoyed by my bullshit i’m right there with you and then some, i can’t stand me either)