#i know most people don't even HAVE grandparents anymore and i'm only even having this problem because they;ve all lived to be 94 or 102

[unopenablebox]

my COMMITTEE MEETING is tomorrow and i fly out to my grandfather's funeral LITERALLY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD and my girlfriend is in GERMANY right now so i have to make sure the whole apartment is fully cleaned & ready to potentially have all the power shut off during a heatwave for a couple of days just in case that happens & also make sure my work samples don't die and all the antibodies i ordered still get in the freezer etc while i'm gone

and because i only learned i was dealing with this yesterday morning when he, you know, died, i absolutely did not budget time for both meeting prep and other work tasks and life stuff AND a deep clean of the fridge & kitchen or whatever it is i should do, and of course i also guessed completely wrong about what my PI would want me to be doing for this talk so i still have a bunch of stupid fiddly little figure adjustments to make each of which takes me an hour due to my like, bad intrinsic nature, and also i am having trouble focusing because my GRANDFATHER IS DEAD, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR, so i am going to be working on slides for like 28 cumulative hours and yet will have practiced this presentation zero times before giving it. so i hope they don't, you know, form any opinions about me based on it or anything

[oddballwriter]

Growing old with moon Boys?

Warnings: Nothing much, just the idea and scenario of being old with the boys 

Author’s Snip: This was so wholesome. Think of the boys in any way you want.

I’ll shut up now. Enjoy! And don’t be afraid to request.

Steven Grant

This. This is Steven's shit right here

I think, in the most simple yet deepest way. This is what Steven wants in life. To just have someone to grow old with.

I'm not saying he has old people hobbies because I read too, but like... Steven wears button-ups and sweaters, reads, does little puzzles, and drinks tea already... he is so ready to grow old with you

I like to think that you and him just become the neighborhood grandparents. Maybe you did have children together, but they've left the nest now and you guys just decide to spend your free time being part of the community and enjoying life

You guys would be that cute old couple who take walks together all the time, you know the ones

I'm sure a cat and a dog come into the equation somehow, they always do

Marc Spector

Peak grumpy old man

Not like the "get off my lawn" type, just the ones where they only really like one person, and that person is you

I don't really think he ever really thought about growing old with you, time just passes by him and you and then he just kind of realizes that you and him are grey-er and more humble one day. And he likes it

Marc would be the type of old man who just likes sitting at home and enjoying his days with you

I feel like anything you do just doesn't phase him anymore because you two have been together for so long

Like you can just spontaneously bring home a pet and he'd voice some disdain but then just accept it

Carl and Ellie energy

Jake Lockley

Jake never really thinks much about growing old but the idea is nice to think about

He's definitely kept his spark and still does things he enjoys despite how old he may be

Age be damned, he's drinking a beer

I like to think that even if he's old, he still looks to have fun and talk to people

You guys know that one old couple from, I think, Australia who just live on cruises - Jake energy

I think that is just right up Jake's alley

Though, if you want to stay settled down then he'd gladly do that for you. Jake honestly just wants to be with you and be with people

I can also see him being the type of old man who sits on the front porch with you next to him and just watches people and things go by

I firmly believe that he gives all the young people in his neighborhood advice and some words of wisdom, but he also says "I don't know though, mijo/mija. Just do what feels right." because he knows that he might give some not so good advice

Steven is the neighborhood grandpa that you go to whenever you want, but Jake is the old man that you get advice from for the tax of giving him a bottle of beer

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

So here's a thing I wish I could put on my main blog, or post on my Facebook, but I think all it would do is make me feel even more miserable and alone.

So, I consider myself Jewish and always have. That's my cultural and ethnic heritage on my dad's side of the family, the only family I grew up with. Yes, patrilineal, but I'm still Jewish. My dad's grandparents fled pogroms in Ukraine and came to the US as deeply traumatized people seeking survival. You can see the repercussions of that recent history in the generations that followed them. For the past few years, I've been actively working to find my place in that history and that heritage, because it's a part of who I am and who I will always be, and I want to be able to be part of it in return. That's my personal context.

When a terrorist group murdered and kidnapped a bunch of civilians last October, I was horrified. When a far-right extremist government retaliated by slaughtering an unthinkable number of civilians, I was horrified. I contacted my own politicians, I donated what money I could spare, I wept at the nightmare that was playing out.

I continue to be horrified as the inhumanity continues, at the sheer scale of tragedy and terror. I wish I had any power to stop it, and I do the small things I can to try to help alleviate suffering.

But you know what else has horrified me? The way my so-called allies, the leftists, the social justice warriors, have responded. I'm lucky that I could grow up without hate being thrown my direction (perhaps because people where I grew up did not know I was Jewish despite my very Jewish last name), but I am aware of what Jew-hate looks like. And I have been seeing people I thought I could trust now wallowing in variations of centuries-old hatred without questioning it, believing outright lies that can be easily disproven with even the most superficial fact-checking, listening to people who wish to do harm, and reducing a complex situation to the stark black-and-white, good-versus-evil conflict from a bad young adult novel.

I'm still going to hope for peace. I'm still trying to contribute what I can to help victims of violence and war.

But, speaking frankly, I don't trust a lot of people anymore and I probably never will. There is no place for me in leftist social justice communities.

I don't know why people have hated Jews for so long, except that I suppose it feels good to have someone else to blame your problems on. But people really truly do hate Jews, and they really truly have for a very long time with unthinkably tragic consequences, and there are modern groups who are absolutely thrilled to be able to bring newcomers into their circles of Jew-hate in the guise of fighting for justice.

And so many of the people I thought were my friends are following them into it without a second thought.

I am disappointed. I am betrayed. I am hopeless.

And I guess I'm pretty damn alone, because I am sure as hell not going to align myself with people whose values are in opposition to my own just because the leftists are also showing their hate.

It breaks my heart.

I'm posting this on my secret sideblog because, I don't know, I've been reading Jumblr for months now and it often helps me feel less alone and I suppose I am reaching out a hand asking if anyone else will be willing to take my hand and tell me I am not alone.

We are not a monolith, I know some of you feel differently from me in either direction, but I know at least some of you feel like I do and even those of you who don't fully align with me will still not smear me with hatred.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever Rosh Hashanah service and I have been doing my best to prepare and I want to be proud, I want to be joyful, I want to embrace hope for a brighter new year and I want to shout to the rooftops that my people are beautiful and our traditions are beautiful and isn't it wonderful that I am able to step back where I belong among them, but instead I want to weep.

[trevination]

I'm curious for marlie have you talked about how they got together? Or shared like a first kiss etc?? I'm actually so curious!

AHHH YESS!! well i havent posted about it but we've tapped about it on discord and AHHH its so important to me omg

okay so. they pine after each other for a WHILE. charlie has always known he's gay so he's just like "i wanna kiss this man so bad" but micah's just casually thinking "it feels like the sun has been brought into my life" and just. Not. realizing he likes him. charlie keeps trying to like hint to micah that he likes him and very casually flirt and show he's interested in him but micah is not fucking catching the hints, even as he's realizing he likes charlie romantically (and micah isn't like. scared or ashamed to be gay honestly he's like "that makes sense" but he knows how awful his life would be if people found out and he cant do that to his family). eventually, charlie's thinking like "oh maybe i've been reading this the wrong way" and he starts like pulling away from micah because he's trying not to hurt himself even more. and micah's just like "????? what? what happened did i do smth"

like u also need to know they are just casually So domestic and gay. like micah gets home from work in the evening and charlie is playing with rosie and messing with the twins and helping them with homework and making dinner. charlie spends Much more time at micah's house than his own (bc his grandparents are neglectful assholes who don't give a fuck abt him) and like. the number of times charlie has fallen asleep on micah on the couch or the times micah has tucked charlie in when he crashes at his house. and charlie subconsciously referring to the foster house as 'home' and charlie being the only person micah could ever be open with... ohh my god they make me sick

BUT back on topic. charlie isnt even being super distant, he's just not being as affectionate but its so abnormal micah's like "wtf" and confronts him, not wanting to lose the one person he has, the one thing in like he's so selfishly wanted. charlie is stuttering a bunch and trying to figure out what to say, because he cant tell anymore if micah likes him romantically but he's saying all this stuff about how he doesn't wanna lose charlie, and charlie stutters through telling him he likes him and-- as charlie's trying to explain, micah just realizes "I rlly love him" and charlie's stuttering comes to a pause as he's trying to figure out what to say and micah just... kisses him.

i imagine it's both of their first kisses, maybbeeee charlie kissed someone once in like middle school? but it's the first time there's ever been an actual emotional connection for either of them. sparks just fly. micah has never had someone to be so open with, weak around, and charlie has never had someone who genuinely Wanted him, who cared about him so personally. it's just. they don't even need to say anything. they just kiss each other and hug and lay down on the couch (this would def be nighttime when rosie and the twins (micah's siblings) are asleep) and just cuddle and kiss and giggle into each others faces . its so sweet and fluffy and charlie 100% cries

then. they wake up in the morning in each others arms and continue their morning routine. make breakfast, wake up the kids, charlie walks them to school then walks to the highschool, micah drives off for work, and they see each other again that evening.

sorry im yapping sm they make me SO SICK THEYRE SO !!!!!! EVERYTHINGG OH MY GODDD <33333 honestly most of what we think about them is. so fucking angsty like idk how much I've talked about charlie's jumping by the socs or what happens after charlie goes to college but... ugh. they mean so much to me they make me sickkkk

[brightclaws5tudios]

Respect

(Before I say this, I will admit that my aunt has Down Syndrome, but that still does not account for the imbalance of respect in this house, because my grandparents just use it as an excuse for everything that she does while not considering how that might make everyone else hate them.)

TW: Me complaining abt shit that's probably not even important

Idk, I really don't think my family gives me enough respect. It's stupid to ask, because I'm the youngest anyway so it's not like they'd care, but like I feel like half of the time they don't give a shit. I literally got in trouble yesterday for calmly telling my aunt there was no 'x' in 'espresso' and this morning for covering up my stupid doodles because she was sticking her face really close and being a distraction to my work. Meanwhile, she is allowed to try to strangle me, swear at me, interrupt me, scream in my face, make stories about me where I'm basically way over sexualized for some reason, and she used to be allowed to sit on me and bite my neck.

I'm not allowed to say mother trucker.

They take away everything I have for such minor offenses, my phone was gone for half a year because I didn't do the recycling once. Anything she does, she can blame me for, and they won't care, as long as there's somebody to yell at. They want me to get out and get a job and all that shit, yet they also don't even want me to swear or go in the woods in case I scrape my precious knee. God forbid I try to decide my own gender, because of course they know more about that than I do.

God damn. Seriously, I can't leave, but I really need to. My grades are dropping because of the stress they put on me, but they only like me when my grades are good. If I piss them off while doing a big fat assignment, they'll get my aunt to come over and scream just to distract me more and more when even the sound of their voices in most cases is enough to make me forget what I'm writing. I tell them I hate being called 'missy' and 'lady' and all that shit and they do it more because they know I hate it, and I'm pretty sure they know I'm trans, because I overheard my grandmother talking about how my name was stupid and the only redeemable quality of it was that it was Greek.

Even at school I can't escape this. Shit gets thrown at me. In one class period, I had:

Cucumber slices

A grape

Wet tissues

Water

The cup they held the water in (which they stole from me)

Silly putty

Wads of paper

All of those were thrown at me. Instead of Atlas, the kids at school call me Alice, hoping it will sound similar enough that I won't notice, but I do. I've been filmed and posted without my consent, nobody does shit about it, and it's all because I'm 'weird'. Can't tell my grandfather, he yells and calls me a wuss when I admit that I did not, in fact, beat the shit out of them for it, when I know he'd kill me if I did. I get told that since I didn't fight, I don't need his protection. People yell behind me, sometimes slurs, because my flinch response is so big that they know I'll run. At night I can be so peaceful, then out of nowhere tense up so much that I almost kick a wall and am on edge for a while. Even friendships aren't safe from this, turns out my best friend of 10 years was using me for academics for the past year and couldn't stand me.

Fucking great. I even gave him sharks.

(Edit I forgot to mention that I get called an animal but I don't think it's important anymore I got my point across)

[auroraescritora]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME - PERCY/NICO AU HIGH SCHOOL - CHAPTER XIX

Hello, how's it going? Thank you to everyone who voted in the poll. In fact, I didn't even know that so many people read the story in English; 49 votes, only two or three negative. So I'm glad to know I'm not writing for the walls. I've been thinking, it seems that polls are a good way of communicating. I'll use them from time to time to check if the plot is still going well. The chapters are short, but we'll get there slowly. I hope you enjoy it.

CHAPTER I / CHAPTER II / CHAPTER III / CHAPTER IV / CHAPTER V / CHAPTER VI / CHAPTER VII / CHAPTER VIII / CHAPTER IX / CHAPTER X / CHAPTER XI / CHAPTER XII / CHAPTER XIII / CHAPTER XIV / CHAPTER XV / CHAPTER XVI / CHAPTER XVII / CHAPTER XVIII

"Thank you. "Nico finally said when the Jackson family hugged him together, Sally almost crying while Grover and Tyson had a serious, neutral expression on their faces, reminding him of when Percy was trying to control himself so that he wouldn't destroy everything he saw along the way.

He liked that too, knowing he could count on the whole family. And since he was being honest, why not  carry on?

"You know? I haven't seen Hades in years. Is really necessary to work so hard because of him? I was thinking of something more effective.”

"Whatever you need, dear." This time, it was Sally who said it, already composing herself; the mother giving space to the businesswoman.

"I was thinking about emancipation." When no one said anything, Nico decided to close his eyes and keep on talking. "Hades has control of my mother's possessions and, as an only child, I won't have access to them until I'm twenty-one. If I speed up things, I can try to recover what is mine before Hades destroys everything.”

"I don't understand, Hades can't touch that money without the court's permission." Tyson said, confused.

"That's the problem. My mother had stocks and other assets that Hades has access to. Most of what he has comes from my mother.”

"Are you telling us that it was your mother who was rich and not Hades?"

Now it was Percy who seemed unhappy.

"Hades used to be a bank manager. Mama fell in love with him and I was born. In fact, Bianca is my half-sister, like you already know. My grandfather is a big farmer, you know? Mama used to help him before Hades showed up.”

"Wow. No, I did not know that." Grover muttered. "And your father is a son of a bitch.”

"He is. I didn't feel safe telling anyone this, but now that he can't hurt me, it's time to get back everything he took from me.”

"We're going to help. Tyson is going to start the preparations.”

"Can we take him by surprise? Try to get my mother's inheritance back and do the emancipation together? I don't want to give him time to fight back.”

"Of course. It's a great idea," Tyson said with a strange glint in his eyes. "He won't even notice when we catch him. I promise." 

"Okay. I trust you. If emancipation doesn't work, can you be my guardians? I never want to go back to that house again." 

"You have our word." Sally touched his shoulder, smiling at him with tears in her eyes. "We will destroy this man, even if it’s by force." 

"You don't have to promise me. I just... I don't want to be under his control anymore. I don't know what might happen."

"Is Bianca okay living with him?" 

"He's never treated Bianca the way he treats me." 

"Oh, honey." Sally said and hugged him tightly, with Percy still holding him by the waist. 

He refused to cry, refused to give Hades this pleasure, refused to continue under that man's control. While he was in Verona with his grandparents, cousins, and uncles, Hades hadn't had the courage to approach him. But now that no other adult was responsible for him, Hades thought he could boss him around. Well, Nico would prove it to that man and give him back a taste of what Hades had done to him.

"I'm fine. Is all in the past. I just want what's mine."

"We know," Percy finally said, coming out of his stupor. "I'll take care of you."

Nico knew that, Percy was saying those words so often that he was starting to believe it. Maybe they really did have a chance to get married in the future and build a family of their own, away from all this confusion and pain. Maybe if he behaved and did everything the right way, he would free himself from this nightmare, from these people who seemed determined to torture him.

***

After that, things seemed to calm down, but in a delicate way.

He said he should have kept quiet from the beginning, didn't he? Nico didn't understand exactly what was happening, but he did suspected something was going on.

Nico felt like Percy was distancing himself from him, as though he was loosening the leash of his collar to see how far Nico would go without supervision. Or maybe, that was just how he felt. Maybe Percy was giving him some space, some time for Nico to understand what was happening and take the next step with precaution. 

Where Percy used to be by his side at every moment of the day, now someone else would replace him without Nico even realizing it. It was strange, the few times he found himself alone and was able to think, the effect of what Percy wanted became the opposite. This time alone made him think about life and the possibilities that the future held for him. It scared him, the uncertainty, seeing that he would have to take the reins of his own life if he wanted to live comfortably, when, in reality, all he wanted was for someone to come and tell him what was the right path to take. 

That afternoon would be no different, making him lose himself in the succession of days, pleasant days with people who cared about him, but without the pleasure that Nico had become accustomed to receiving. Would a few days be enough for Percy to convince himself? Was he behaving as expected of him?

Nico was so tired of all that. He just got out of bed and walked around the house. He found Sally in the kitchen and declined the invitation to cook with her. He found Tyson in the study who offered to update him on the Hades case, and once again declined, passing Grover who was in the living room, going straight to the outside area of ​​the house, the only place Percy could be.

There Nico found him, watching Percy swimming at fast speed in the pool, up and down, incessant and frantic, Nico having the impression that Percy was trying to punish himself and for something he should never be blamed for. When Nico finally got close enough to get a better look at Percy's profile, he remained silent, wondering if it was a good idea to break Percy's self-imposed routine. What if this was their future and Nico was just delaying and fighting against what was hopeless? Finding himself at a dead end, Nico sat down in one of the lounge chairs and carried on watching Percy swim furiously, looking like he was trying to take out all his frustration in the water.

It wouldn't be long now. 

If Nico was still following their script, in a few minutes Percy would get out of the pool and go after him. Percy would hug him and smile at him, being all affectionate and they would spend the rest of the afternoon and part of the evening doing anything other than what they wanted to be doing. He was so tired of all this that Nico wasn't even surprised when Percy came out of the pool like someone was chasing after him, almost  walking straight past him. 

Nico felt like laughing, this was so ridiculous; Percy was ridiculous and he was ridiculous too. What were they waiting for? The trauma and the sadness to disappear so they could move on with their lives? That maybe with time and patience Nico would be a normal and mentally balanced person? The funniest thing was seeing Percy backing up and stopping next to his chair, smiling sheepishly at him. And what did Nico did? He smiled back, it was the only rational thing to do in a situation that made no sense at all.

"Hey, handsome. What are you doing here all alone?" Percy asked and crouched down, getting to his height and staring at him closely.

"I missed you." 

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to know where you were." 

"I'm here, like always." 

Nico wanted to say it was a lie. Percy might be there, but he wasn't by his side anymore.

"What's happening to us?" He asked, feeling more tired with each passing moment.

"Nothing's happening." Percy said and smiled at him, gently touching his face. And that was the problem, nothing was happening and he needed something to happen immediately, or he would go completely crazy.

Nico almost let himself be carried away by the platonic caress, almost let Percy's calm smile fool him.

"Did I... did I do something wrong?"

"That would never be possible." 

"You don't like me anymore?"

"Nico." Percy said in the calmest voice he had ever heard. "I think we should slow down.”

“More than this?”

“I…” Then the calm mask on Percy’s face broke. "I abused you. I never asked why you wouldn’t talk to your father. I never questioned why you cried and shook when you thought no one was watching. I need space. I thought it would be good for you too.”

“I don’t need space. I need you.”

Nico didn’t hesitate, he threw himself into Percy’s lap and hugged him tightly, feeling a lump form in his throat.

“Nico. I… I feel guilty. I’m just another one who wants to abuse you.” The important thing was that Percy hugged him back, tightly, holding him by the back of his neck and whispered in his ear. "I want to see you at my feet and I want to see you obeying everything I tell you to do. I want you to look only at me and think only about me. Do you think this is any different from what Hades was doing to you?”

“I don’t care.” There, he said it. “I want to do all of this for you.”

“Nico, please.”

“I’m tired. Why can’t I have what I want? Why is it so wrong to be under someone else’s control?”

He heard Percy groan and before he could react, Percy pulled him by the hair and made him face Percy, his green eyes blazing, as if Percy was about to devour him right there.

“You’re going to kill me. You know that? I’m trying to take care of you. I’m doing what’s best for you.”

“I don’t want the best, I just want to not feel so miserable all the time.”

Percy stared at him for a long moment, looking like he was going to break down at any moment, but finally his wish was granted; Percy pressed his lips against his and stayed like that for a few moments, allowing him to feel the warmth and touch that he had missed so much. And suddenly, it was enough for Nico. It wasn't the sex he missed, it was the warmth of Percy's body on his, the affection, the caring touch, the release of tension, the connection he hadn't found anywhere else.

Unfortunately, the moment was broken some time later. Percy's hands were still on his skin and he was still sitting on Percy's lap, they were still staring at each other as if the other would disappear if they looked away.

"I never wanted you to feel this way," Percy finally said, swallowing hard. "I feel like a monster. I'll-- I'll get over this, I just need some time." 

"Do we need to stay apart? I don't want to learn about law from Tyson or about sports from Grover, I don't even want to learn new recipes from Sally. I promise I won't bother you." 

"How can you say this to me?" That was all Percy said before he buried his face in his neck and Nico felt tears hit his skin, Percy's arms tightening around his waist.

"Oh." Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to corner Percy after all. 

Nico was convinced of that when he heard the first sob. Why did everything he did go wrong? With a tight chest, Nico pulled Percy up and lay down with him on the lounger. He would obey Percy's wishes and give him the space he needed.

Suggestions or comments? Thank you for reading!

[thynisia-pac-readings]

PAC - What brings joy to you? How to bring joy to yourself?

[please do not copy or reproduce any part of this reading, thank you]

This reading is meant to assist you in connecting with the vibration and experience of joy. While this is for guidance, it is also meant to be fun. These groups are collectives, so take what resonates only!

I'm happy you chose to read this pick-a-pile, and may it bring you closer to the light within you. 🌻

Now slowly take 3 deep breaths. Ask your guardian angel to help you find the relevant pile for you and let your intuition guide you throughout this reading. Enjoy!

---

Pile 1

Signs: pay attention to yourself. apple. justice served. I love you. India, US.

Pile 1!!!! Pile 1, pile 1, pile 1. As I shuffled the cards, I found myself singing. I can bet most of you find joy in singing freely, and even a card fell, backing this up.

I'm also getting that to find joy is to find bliss, and to find bliss is to find joy. That is what joy means to you, pile 1. For you, bliss can be found in your peace and quiet, it can be felt through the divine and experienced during meditations. Being by yourself and not talking, is healing for you. It also helps you to get in touch with yourself as well as your divine team. Again very healing, centering, and therefore it's easier for you to feel that bliss and joy.

Someone here could have a bird or parrot, I think your bird is funny AF and makes you laugh a lot.

Some of you may be close to a grandparent, and so the advice here is to spend time with them as it is a very good way for you to bring joy to yourself (and them!).

We've got the romance card so some of you may feel most joyful when you're in a relationship. But mostly, what I'm getting is that being there for people and supporting them is what brings you joy, always - whatever kind of relationship that is! I feel like you bring out the light within people, the angelic aspect they didn't know they had. That tells a lot about you too, pile 1.

Back to the singing, I also feel like it helps you release a ton of heavy stuff (feelings, painful memories...) that you don't want trapped in you or that you don't want to carry anymore. It also helps you to unleash your true self. There's definitely an element of transformational healing there with singing or songwriting, and the divine is strongly encouraging you to keep doing that.

Some of you could be singing with your own family members. For some, singing is a key characteristic of a side of your family since many generations! How cool is that!!

If you want to purchase a reading from me check my masterlist or go straight to my Etsy listings here. discount code: TUMBLR

---

Pile 2

signs: having fun adventures, taking joy in learning, living freely and passionately (see moon & mars in Aries and Sagittarius). Brazil, India, NZ, South Pacific, UK. 44.

I saw deep blue as I was shuffling the cards (in my mind's eye), and sure enough most of the cards had a deep blue in them. I also sensed some sadness from this collective. This deep blue could mean something to you, or it could just represent this sadness of yours.

For this Pile, the divine is asking to bring forth your patience in things, as joy will definitely find you. It seems like you really struggle with it at the moment, so this reading is a welcome guidance for you and I am happy that you chose to read it. :)

For your collective, the divine seems to highlight the importance of patience and growth. They are asking you to cultivate yourself, cultivate discipline/persistence and cultivate patience as good things are headed your way while you practice this cultivation. You could find it useful to listen to monks' wisdom and how they cultivate themselves on patience, discipline, persistence, as well as how they face challenging experiences. Preferably, find books written by them on the subject, as they can freely explain everything. YouTube videos cut many parts out and are nowhere as comprehensive/rich as the monks' own books.

Finally, you are asked to trust yourself as you navigate through the difficult path you are walking on. It is not easy and sometimes you may feel like you are losing balance, but listen; even the whole universe is in a constant fight for balance. Complete balance between the light and the shadow does not exist and that's what makes the universe alive! You are the universe too, you are a spark of God/Creator, and hence it is perfectly normal for you, like all of us, to continually try to find a balance. It's all part of the experience, you beautiful wise soul. And what can be more amazing than knowing that we are alive, that we are all experiencing joys and pains, just like the universe is both made of light and dark..!!

If you want to purchase a reading from me check my masterlist or go straight to my Etsy listings here. discount code: TUMBLR

---

Pile 3

signs: someone is named Grace and it's for a reason - maybe your mother named like this on purpose, Pile 3 you could have a very gentle voice that soothes people, there's a lot of kindness in your voice as I have myself talking this way throughout your reading (yes I talk out loud during my readings). traveling could be a source of joy. US, Australia, UK.

A lot to unpack here (in a good way) but it's also pretty clear to me. It feels like you are Earth angels or Starseeds, I mean to everyone you're literally like a light sent on Earth. You yourself feel like you have a lot of love and care to give to people, so much so that you want to make of it your career. So take it as a sign if that's what you've been thinking about.

The divine are really highlighting that you have a strong connection to your intuition and that a major purpose of it is to be used in service to others. You are divinely guided, and you definitely have your own mission or purpose in this life on Earth, which is to assist and guide others towards their inner light, their inner spark of Creator/Source.

You may be hesitating at the moment but trust your intuition, you will find joy on the path that the divine accompanies you on. Worry not, whatever path you chooses, the divine will always support you. However this reading is about what brings you joy and how you can bring joy to you. ;)

Now that's out of the way, let me indulge in the feeling I got from you Pile 3! It's a secret shh, but you're my favourite pile of the 3! xD

I got this really sweet, caring and loving energy from your collective, it's beautiful! Your spark is really focused on assisting others, which makes me think you're more likely an angelic aspect than a starseed. You love others but you also let others love you - and by letting them love you, you are helping them to nurture and express these energies more! In other words, people feel safe to express these caring energies towards you as well.

In terms of vibration, love and joy are not so far off from each other and they are actually interconnected, aren't they? :)

So there you go Pile 3, keep true to yourself and your values, keep shining your light (love) inside out, keep hugging others within your angel wings ~

If you want to purchase a reading from me check my masterlist or go straight to my Etsy listings here. discount code: TUMBLR

---

Obviously, this type of reading is amazing to do because you're bathing in the energy you're reading about! Amazing. Again I hope you enjoyed. Let me know what piles you got and what your thoughts are~

Thynisia <3

This reading was done partly through cartomancy, divine channeling and my personally made paper note signs. I thank Source, Gaia, and all of our higher selves and guardian angels for supporting and blessing this reading. 🙏🏼

[destinygoldenstar]

I Answer The Would You Rather Questions From TD2023 Episode 17

(IK what you're gonna say about the title, idc, I'm calling it one long season because I feel like it)

Here's the video I'm basing this off of in case you're curious.

Would You Rather...

A) Camp in a Graveyard for a month

B) Go without toilet paper for a week

I WANT to say I wouldn't be scared cause zombies aren't real, BUT I'd be lying cause in real life, I'm anxious like no tomorrow. Plus at least with the other it's a lesser timespan.

B

(I relate to Damien so hard with this one.)

Would You Rather...

A) Have to wear clown makeup for a year

B) Have your direct messages made public

I don't actually DM that much, most you'd find are a bunch of sex bots that I blocked immediately, and other than that it's really just me answering people's questions about media. So I can't really say I'd lose much.

But honestly, I think clown makeup is actually pretty fun. Didn't say I wouldn't get to design the makeup myself. I'd just be cosplaying as Pomni, and I think I'd be okay with that cause Pomni is adorable.

A ; For the fun of it

Would You Rather...

A) Lose the passwords to all your devices everyday

B) Spend the entire next school year in a hot dog costume

Jokes on you Chris, I'm not in school anymore.

B

I SUCK at passwords anyway. So, NO THANKS.

Would You Rather...

A) Be Hockey Superstar *Whatever he said*

B) Be the puck that scored the game winning goal in the 1980 cup finals

One, I am not a sports person let alone a hockey person

Two, I was not alive in the 1980s!

I'd go with B cause I don't want to 'be other people'. I do that in fiction already and with my cynical online persona. I don't do that in real life.

Would You Rather...

A) Slide naked down a ski hill

B) Spend a day in a wave pool that uses bark instead of water

I hate the cold. So let alone being naked, it would suck.

But swimming in VOMIT?!

NO THANKS

A

Would You Rather...

A) Popcorn that tastes like poop

B) Poop that tastes like popcorn

NEITHER.

Straight up. NEITHER.

I hate both of these so much. I do not understand how Zee can possibly pick one without hesitation. (Then again, it is Zee, so...)

I am SUCH a sensitive eater. I will vomit no doubt at both of these.

I guess technically one isn't s**t, it's just the flavor sucks, so... A?

But if there was an option to pick C, I'd do it.

Screw the rules of this challenge. make it a trick question and have the person fall no matter what. TROLL, Chris. Why wasn't there a troll like that in the challenge? I'm surprised.

Would You Rather...

A) Take truth serum and be questioned by Chef

B) Only be able to eat Chef's cooking for a whole year

Again, sensitive eater over here.

DEFINITELY A.

Would You Rather...

A) Eat a bowl of toenail clippings

B) Not shower for a month

I'm actually tolerant to nail clippings, but AGAIN...

B

He said SHOWER, he said nothing about baths, swimming, deodorant, washing your hands and face, etc. So YEAH, it's actually not that bad if you think about it.

Would You Rather...

A) Eat 200 Lemons

B) Wrestle your best friend's grandpa

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CHOICES THAT INVOLVE EATING SOMETHING?!

I'm a softie, so I'd lose, BUT...

My best friend in particular actually hates her grandparents. So she'd love me if I wrestled them, even if I'd lose.

B

Would You Rather...

A) Eat pudding directly from a gorilla's armpit

B) Jump from a plane with a parachute packed by your ex

In the episode, they make this sound worse than it actually is.

Or maybe that's just me because I actually DON'T HAVE AN EX

(At the time I am posting this)

HA! GOTCHA!

B

Even if I were to break up with my partner just for the sake of doing this, (then get back with her afterwards) she is very skilled with this sort of stuff, has made several crafts like this, and I trust her completely.

Usually I'd hate falling, or anything that involves a vertical motion like that, BUT there's a parachute so it wouldn't be that bad.

And at this point, you'd know I'd do basically anything to get out of eating nasty stuff. If my choices are something to go off of my character.

Would You Rather...

A) Fight one bear

B) Fight 100 Rabid Kittens

I'd lose no matter what.

I am a HUGE cat person, so at least I'd be used to the kitten's scratching and biting. And maybe I'd tame them rather than fight them. That's my method of fighting.

Bear? I'd DIE.

B

(Also i love Wayne and Raj here. They're so cringe in the wholesome way)

Would You Rather...

A) Give up texting for five years

B) Lose your bathing suit at a crowded wave pool

I text my partner ALL THE TIME, and I will NEVER GIVE THAT UP

B

At least with this option I could just run away, just one embarrassing moment rather than stuck there for five years or something.

And if someone said took a video of me and posted it, uh, JAIL FOR THEM, CAUSE THAT'S ILLEGAL

Would You Rather...

A) Dirt poor but celebrated as a great poet

B) A filthy rich lawyer who puts guilty criminals back on the street

Hello. I'm a writer.

I ain't gonna put people in danger like that.

A

Would You Rather...

A) Be genetically merged with a warthog

B) Have Chris McLean as your dad

First off, who f****d a warthog to begin with?

You know Chris as a person, you know it would be AWFUL

A

Looks don't matter, I'd say

Would You Rather...

A) Apologize for something you're not sorry for

B) Go bald by the time you're 23

In the episode they act like this is a really hard one because it's Chase.

I knew what he was gonna say right away. You see ONE episode with this guy, you KNOW his answer.

SERIOUSLY EMMA, HE'S YOUR EX, HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP?! HOW?!

Anyway, for MY answer,

I'm not a jerk.

A

Yeah I have stuff I'm not sorry for, but it is leagues better than hair loss. Let me tell you.

Also I realized Julia didn't get questioned at all. What's up with that?

What are your answers? Reblog them. I'm curious.

[mamadoc]

1, 2, 11, 20😊

1 - Talk about someone who changed your life.

Okay. I took far too long to think about this. Since we're all in a post 6x6 and TTPD era, here's a vulnerable, tortured answer.

I had a very close friend for several years. My husband and I were very close to her and her husband. Our kids were friends. We went to the same church, all loved to travel, had similar interests and tastes, had all lived internationally, went on double dates, etc. We even considered having them raise our kids if my husband and I both passed away. In sum, we were super close.

Then COVID hit. As a doctor COVID was difficult. I struggled a lot because I was taking care of sick patients. I recall one tearful day of talking to a pregnant mom who was about to be transferred to the ICU and was saying goodbye to her other children. It really wasn't safe or comfortable to go to work for a long time. I wasn't really dealing with it well, especially with the people around me treating it like it didn't matter. I was really depressed for the first time in my life.

This friend didn't understand that or if she did, she didn't care. So, when I said I wasn't interested in going out in public and having any type of birthday celebration for my birthday (who wants to celebrate turning 41 anyway?), she started attacking me on a personal level. I was already in a dark place and instead of being a good friend and supporting me, she just keep sending me hateful messages.

That was the first and only time in my life I considered suicide. I reached out for help and got it. I wasn't in that dark pit for a long time. I'm much better now. I mostly have my sister to thank for that.

I brought her flowers for Valentine's Day with an apology note a few weeks after that. She never apologized. I brought treats to her a few weeks after that with an apology note explaining why I felt so hurt. I tried to call to explain how I felt so that I could heal. She never answered the phone.

I'm still not sure what I have to apologize for or why she never seemed to accept or offer an apology. But that was two years ago. We still don't talk. Our husbands don't talk. Our kids don't play together anymore. For a long time, I didn't like going to church because I knew I'd have to see her.

Most of that is better now. I'm just sad for a lost friendship and for the dark place I had to crawl out of.

I've used a slight modification of her name for a character in one of my stories who betrayed Lucy. I thought that might be therapeutic, but it just brought the situation up to the surface again.

Uhhh... I can't believe I just wrote all of that. I'll try to keep the rest of the answers a bit lighter.

2 - Talk about something you really want to do.

I LOVE to travel. I've been to 47 states and 16 countries. My husband and I had all of our plans in place to get to all 50 states before we turned 40. Then COVID hit and all of our plans were dashed when travel shut down. We're going at a slower pace now, but we're getting close to it. #48 (NM) in October, #49 (HI) July 2025 as a 20th anniversary trip, and #50 (AK) the summer of 2026.

11 - Share something you're proud of.

According to AO3's stats, I've posted over 339k words since I started posting 7 months ago (plus another 9-10k chapter I hope to finish tonight). I know there are those that blow me out of the water (Ahem, ahem @girlintotv and @centralperkchenford) with their numbers, but I'm pretty proud of that as a first-time writer and working mom with 4 young kids.

20 - Share with us a random fact or two.

I'm afraid I've already overshared. *yikes* But here we go.

I'm the oldest of 6 kids. The first 4 of us are all 23 months apart, then 27 months apart, and 25 months apart. So, we're essentially every 2 years for 10 years with all of our birthdays clustered together. 3 boys and 3 girls.

I had the chicken pox for my eighth birthday. My grandparents came to visit for my birthday, but they were afraid of getting shingles. So, I had to stay in my bedroom on the second floor, and they stayed on the first floor for the whole time they were visiting. I still remember standing in the hallway near the dining room while they sang happy birthday. One of my siblings blew out the candles for me and my mom brought me a piece of cake in the hallway. (Man, I'm still rocking those depressing TTPD vibes, aren't I?) I was officially not contagious the day my mom came home from the hospital with baby #5 in our family, and I remember being so excited to be healthy enough to hold my baby brother.

Sheesh. Now you probably won't ever ask me anything again. Between TTPD, 6x6, and the angst I'm supposed to be writing right now, I'm coming up with some strange answers.

Sorry to be the Eeyore in the crowd. Thanks for asking me to play though.

Ask game

[adelle-ein]

i'm so goddamn tired. i've been so tired since middle school. i can't sleep for more than three hours maximum at a time and even that's a huge success. i have nightmares every single time i sleep (if i don't wake up full on panicking it's a win!) i go to bed pretty early but spend most of the night just struggling. i'm scared to and desperate to sleep 24/7. i wake up tired and i'm exhausted by the time i'm done with breakfast. i fall asleep during the day because i regularly hit the point of fatigue where i physically cannot move anymore. i haven't felt rested or wide awake or anything resembling those things since i was a pretty young kid. "well rested" is like. that's not a real thing even i bet. if i was a sim my little energy bar would max out at halfway and deplete doubly fast. i do not understand how people work full time jobs or do multiple activities in a day. i would sleep until the last minute before leaving for high school and then go back to bed immediately when i got home and i was still struggling with severe exhaustion all school day. even now i have to intersperse work and naps to get fucking anything done and it's a nightmare.

not anemic. vit d is fine (still taking the supplement, been ok for years tho), thyroid is fine. i'm on melatonin and my fibro meds are supposed to be helping with sleep (but just make me more tired while still achieving nothing.) every time we mess with the dosage of pretty much any med, no matter what it is, i get even worse for a day or two and then return to the very bad baseline. i do not have any solid idea what could actually be wrong - i don't think narcolepsy or similar fits but it's not like i'm in any way a professional. that's what i'm afraid of - that nothing is wrong and i can't be helped.

i don't think i'm fully honest with anyone but my therapists about how bad it is. it's really bad. it does not get better, nothing makes it better. i try to bring it up with people and it's like "oh i'm tired all the time too!" and that just reinforces that everyone is like this and i'm just pathetic and the only one who can't handle it. my parents have consistently blamed me and ignored me and downright refused to ever take this seriously, but honestly i don't know if i've ever made it clear to them that i need help. i'm ashamed of it so i try to hide it. nobody in my family is a "good sleeper" so that adds to my conviction that this is a mental problem i need to get over.

i was like half-asleep sitting up on my grandparents' couch a bunch when we were down there, and they were like "are you okay? do you need to nap?" etc and i laughed it off but it was really weird because i am like that All The Time and nobody has ever been concerned about it before. i have my head in my arms at the breakfast table and my parents just talk over me. lace is just like that. so dramatic.

i'm scared to try coffee/energy drinks because in addition to hating flavored drinks and having a sensitive stomach, i don't trust myself with addictive substances of literally any kind no matter how mild or mainstream. i would also have to be able to drink them without gagging ofc

i know i need to see a sleep doc, but the only time my parents took me to an ent when i was 18 (my psych made them. do not be misled into thinking they gave a shit) she was kinda condescending and useless and said nothing was wrong and i just needed to stop napping (revolutionary i never considered this), so of course i have Decided that i can Never Again be tested and i am Making Everything Up. said psych had me on various things for energy over the years including ritalin, nothing did anything.

i'm seeing a new GP next week bc my old one left and i am terrified out of my mind about it, i have to ask them for a couple other things already like the horrible demanding patient i am, and the very idea of broaching the sleep topic makes me want to vomit. and i probably won't do it. but i need to. i know i need to. i just don't have any hope that it'll help and i'll never be able to be fucking normal.

i'm tired.

[z0m813]

average notes app entry;

I've been feeling a lot of everything lately. I couldn't describe it, though. Just that I feel like there's something inside of me that's missing, but I can never quite catch it. Every time I try to look, just get a glimpse, it's fleeting back further into the recesses of my heart. I've lived a lot of lives, it seems. Yet it all came and went so fast-- cowboy surgeon, laundromat receptionist, student, sister, bully, artist, poet, child, daughter. I was all of these at one point but not anymore. I have no title to fill. No destiny to follow. Hell, here I am, and a whole year has passed since I started living in the attic of my grandparents house. Failed prodigal son that couldn't stay away from his small town filled with queer bashing, god fearing, hateful folk who can't stand me and I them. As I write this, I'm driving the same route I've taken to work since October, a simple job at a hotel front desk. My heart is filled with something. But I'm stuck. It seems I've lived out my life already. What more is there to do when you've done everything? I no longer have that same adventurous spirit that filled me three years ago or two years ago. I'm trapped, a butterfly who flew too long and ended up stuck to an entomologist's pin board of insects. Leg. Wing. Antenna. All these bits and pieces plucked away. Now I'm 21, and Joan of Arc had already died before she reached my age, she let armies, I've been thinking a lot about her of late. And yet, what have I done? What will I do? I'm scared that the most interesting parts of me will be left in my teen years and I will slowly grow to resemble the jocks who got a cubicle job at some accounting firm but never took off that letterman jacket. Is there anything left for me to fill? I do not know the answers to these questions, but I hope I find them soon-- both for my sake, and for the people around me. I've not yet loved-- will I ever? Lately, I've come to find that I don't much care about people. They speak, they cry, they laugh, they dance. Yet I feel that all I do is simply a reaction. Is it all a mirror of those in front of me? Sometimes I fear I have no heart. But it's not really fear. Just something that is, something that always was. If it possible to feel all too much for myself and way too little for others? Perhaps it is I, human greed and selfishness perfected. When I was 8 years old sitting on the back of my father's truck, I recall thinking, is this it? That was the first time I realized there was something missing inside of me. Do I really exist, or is this just going through the motions? Am I a person? Or am I a husk, a hallow piece of skin and flesh and meat and bone? Sometimes I scare myself. What will ever make this go away? I have a pack of Newports I keep in the center dash. I've only smoked three. I never seem to find the time to smoke more. Not a true smoker heart I suppose, which is surprising, giving my family's long history addiction. It's unfortunate, really, wanting so bad for something to stifle that pained edge in your heart, but nothing doing the trick. Nothing really setting me at ease. I used to have to take 8 of my grandma's Xanax pills just to feel calm. Maybe that's still the happiest I've been. Even if it tore my family apart. There it is again, that familiar sense of self-importance, selfish self pity, searcher of desires and bringer of destruction. I cannibalize everyone around me until there is nothing left of both of us.

[our-queer-experience]

i was about to ask if this is a blog where i can post my story, and then read your blog name lol- so here goes i suppose

you can call me 🌾 (as i don't really want to expose any part of my name). i'm transmasc nonbinary, aroace and a bunch of other labels. i also suspect i am/have AuDHD and OCD. my whole life i have been completely confused until somewhat recently.

as a kid i couldn't grasp gender at all, all i knew is that i had my assigned one and that's what i was. i never had a crush on anyone and still haven't. i couldn't understand why i couldn't do things that were easy for others - like riding a bike, tying my shoelaces, doing maths. i couldn't understand why i hated singing assembly (too loud), why i hated changing rooms (not enough privacy), why i hated sports (couldn't move as well as others). i couldn't keep close friends; sure, it was primary school, but almost every single person who was once my friend picked on me, and i didn't even realise. it took me a good few years to realise i was even purposefully excluded and bullied in school.

i was just too Different. the only people i made friends with were those who didn't care that i was. in fact, the first proper friend i ever made happened to turn out almost the exact same as me. we'll call them ☘️. for a few years we were good friends, and then as we moved up to the bigger school we became real close. we were just so alike it was magnetic. ☘️ and i had the same deep interests, we were both anxious, we both got overwhelmed in similar situations, and i guess we both had issues. we also never expressed much interest in our genders or sexualities. i'm sorry to say that i lost contact with ☘️, but they indescribably shaped me. they just Got Me. i won't sit here and label them myself, but i think they could have been aroace and somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum like myself. No One understood my experience quite like ☘️, and maybe no one ever will, as is the beauty of childhood/teenage friendships. and i miss them so so much. but, i treasure them so much more than they could ever know just for them being themselves.

i wasn't as close with them as with ☘️ specifically, but my friendship group in secondary school all turned out to be either queer or neurodivergent or both. i don't speak to most of them anymore, but god- the experience of just being with other queer & neurodivergent people was freeing. it is freeing. my two closest friends are also queer and on the neurodivergent spectrum, but they're not quite like me. and that's completely okay, i love them and appreciate them how they are, and they respect me all the way. it's just, i wish i could meet someone so much like me again. trans, aroace-spec, neurodivergent - someone who gets me almost completely. i guess that's what we're all looking for in life really ^^

the road's been long, tough, and i'm still not fully out of the closet. my two closest friends that i mentioned have a name for me that i plan to make my official name! my dad knows i'm nonbinary and neurodivergent but he doesn't know my chosen name, nor that i'm aroace. i haven't told my mum a thing, but my dad's dropped her some hints on my behalf. i just find it really difficult. i'm so scared of judgement and all that; such as worsening my relationship with my mum. i'm also pretty sure that my grandparents would cut contact with me or at least berate me. but i'm trying my best, trudging on day by day, and hoping to come out as nonbinary with my chosen name pretty soon. i don't think many people, including my family, will really understand but i just gotta start being me tbh. i've masked, hidden myself away, for so long that i need to just let it all go. after all, i love being queer, i love how queer i am, i love myself. i just gotta be brave, and be queer and proud :)

sorry for the long ask, love and appreciate your blog <3<3

don’t worry about it, thanks for sharing!

[equalperson]

I swear, everything is so complicated and difficult for no good reason. I was thinking about meeting more people, but the more I think about it, the more I remember why I've lived so long with the sense that people are poisonous to Me.

it's like everytime I get to know someone, I so genuinely believe that they're improving My life tenfold, just to realize weeks or months down the line that everything has gotten so much worse.

this happened with My first, only, and now ex-safe person in 2023/2024: we met, she praised Me constantly, and I just knew that after years of loneliness and fear, I had found a platonic soulmate of sorts.

I idealized her so much, she was everything to Me: kind, accepting, emotionally available, and interpersonally compatible.

damn, I contemplated on multiple occasions living with her once we moved out from our parents', especially since she said she'd want to live with a friend and I didn't realize at the time that I'd absolutely hate having a roommate of any kind.

having a sleepover with her triggered My first narcissistic high, and then silence. ghosted Me for months. I think back on the relationship and, although I don't believe she's a bad person, I realize she was nowhere near as great as I thought she was.

she hardly ever went out of her way to talk about My interests, despite Me always doing the same for her. she never initiated even a single conversation with Me either, aside from the one that kickstarted our friendship in the first place.

the only reason she even slept over with Me--despite our friendship being long-distance and her being in town--was because she wasn't able to tolerate her grandparents' infestation that night.

afterwards, she'd keep giving different excuses as to why she ghosted Me. for instance, her phone wasn't working, and yet she was able to reply to an earlier text asking if she was okay.

sometimes I wonder if she just stopped liking Me at some point along the way, especially since she'd previously stated that she's prone to cutting people off suddenly and over minor conflicts.

regardless, I enjoyed talking to her, but she was ultimately nothing like this accommodating, perfect person I idealized her as. far from it, she proved herself incredibly unreliable, oblivious at best and quietly unaffectionate at worst.

and now there are these people on discord. I long gave up on seeking out My own friends, so it was the same deal: person comes to Me wanting to get closer (in this case, inviting Me to their private friend group), they (everyone) welcomes and hypes Me up, I have fun for a while, then things go downhill from there.

so many red flags I would've left over if I weren't so afraid of burning bridges or acting out of the ordinary: the flagrant R-slur and schizophrenia jokes, the mixed reception when the initial friend found out I was uncomfortable and requested everyone stop, the regular mocking of autistics and demonization of narcissists (Myself included).

that initial friend isn't even around anymore; she's taking a break from the internet for mental health and career reasons. now it's just Me, the couple of people I also get along well with, and the rest.

like with My ex-SP, I'm happier in some ways, but suffering in others: I don't believe these are good people, I recognize that their acceptance of Me is conditional on My behavior as a "competent autistic"/"good narcissist"/"quiet schizophrenic," and My sleep schedule is so fucking thrown off!!

I went to bed at 12pm the other day! because they used to chat most actively between 6am and 5pm My time, so I'd stay up late to catch the first half of it all (I was already staying up till ~7am, which was obviously abnormal but still manageable).

I've been in My bedroom all day today because I woke up at 6pm, just to realize that My mom mentioned redoing My hair AND taking Me clothes-shopping today. My hair is unwashed (I needed to do that) and the mall is already closed.

it's humiliating and disgusting and shameful. at best I'll feel a bit awkward and at worst I'll face more maltreatment from My mom for My delayed sleep phase.

and I just don't know if I even want to meet more people anymore. I wasn't thinking about anything this intensive though, more like a once-a-week support group or volunteer thing or something.

but still. I know it's just My avoidant personality talking, but it's like I'm just not meant to engage with other people.

at the very best, I'm so unstable that even the highest points of My relationships bring out splitting, jealousy, and a disregard for My own needs to please others.

and then the worst ends up leading into either abandonment or relationships that I'm trapped in through further people-pleasing and a deep fear of regret for leaving.

sure, other people entertain Me, they admire Me, they expand My worldview and arguably enrich My life, but is it even worth it when it comes at the expense of My larger physical and mental health?

[kel-of-ulthar]

Death is dressed in colors blessed, a mystery I confess I cannot see

tw: grief, chronic illness, hallucinogens,

It's been a long time since I've been here. I admit that returning to tumblr at 32 (I left it at maybe 22) is a strange and somewhat alienating experience. I spent so very much time here, once, and poured energy into the content I created and the people who read it. Some people I thought were true friends--I don't speak to one of them anymore, not one.

So things have changed for me, since then. I left as I was beginning to experiment with hallucinogens. They cured my PTSD from a car crash that totaled my old Ford Focus station wagon and left me with dreams of people crushed by the nose of the Subaru that hit me. LSD removed the darkness from my heart, for a time. A primordial god raised himself out of the waters of the void, stripped me of my fears and consumed them. I know that can happen, but I don't know that the god would do me a favor a second time, and my fears have returned.

Since I've been here last, really been here with intention and purpose, I lost my father. He died in the spring, of a lung disease that was neither preventable nor curable. It inexorably turned his lungs into stone. Twenty-seven years after he had quit smoking, even put away his marijuana pipes, he died of a disease that can't even be conclusively linked to tobacco. Maybe it was, or maybe recurrent pneumonia scarred his lungs, or maybe a perfidious mycelium infected his alveoli, or maybe he was just pure unlucky. He died in April, when his lungs were no longer capable of oxygenating his smooth muscle, and his heart stopped.

He said to my Mom, who sat with her arms around him, "Oh God, I'm going now."

I think about that all the time.

Grief is a room you come to inhabit, when the right kind of loss strikes you. In my case, I had been only adjacent to loss for most of my life. My uncle and my great-aunt I knew poorly. My grandparents were so elderly that death came with a somber sort of sweetness, bitter only because they lived just slightly too long, and were made to hold out beyond what would have been kind. A friend of a friend at eighteen, another at twenty-three. The first, a teenager I didn't know well enough to weep for, the second a thirty-eight year old who was too young by far, but who was not close enough to have the weight of real love.

When you have real love and you lose it, it is a physical problem. I had heart palpitations. I cried with the change of the wind. I felt crushed under the weight of the loss and the weight of the knowledge of what happens after death. Before I left this place, I was thick as thieves with a lot of people who called themselves worshippers of death. I thought I understood it. I didn't.

It's been six months since I lost my dad. In those six months I have scraped the bottom of the barrel of despair, things I haven't felt or grappled with in a decade, things I thought I had conquered, or at least laid aside. But I face it daily now, the weight of the sorrow. And I'm coming to realize that the sorrow will sit now like a paperweight before me. It is something I can lift and rearrange, but ultimately it remains. Maybe I'm not brave enough to cast it aside? Like a cherished gift of someone I cannot speak to anymore, but one which is not physically useful to me. I can't throw it away, it would be like throwing away that person and the memories we shared. In some ways, I think that it is occasionally easier to exist in sorrow than it is to face the absence of it.

Once upon a time, a Mormon pastor told me and the rest of the mourners at a funeral that grief was a gift from God. At the time, I was disgusted. I looked at my friend of a friend, a jack Mormon who would have hated to see himself, dressed like a pioneer, with a white bonnet on his brow until the contents of his coffin turned to dust. I thought--I don't know him at all, but I know that he would hate to be dressed like this. I thought, how can you stand there and tell me that this pain and kindness and goodness exist in the same realm? How can they even exist at the same time?

But that pastor, deacon, whatever they call them in that cult, he was right. He doesn't have to see the full face or intention of God or Gods to be right about grief. Grief is a gift. Grief only exists in the proximity of love. If I did not love my father, it would not hurt like this. It might hurt differently, but it would not pierce me so deeply, like an ice pick driving a hole into the fabric of my soul. Grief is a gift, because grief is really just the memory of love. It is a nostalgia deeper than that for beloved childhood memories, the lost places of your youth or the fleeting touch of old dreams. It is, at its heart, the void left behind when true love departs. And it's impossible to know how that feels until it has happened to you. Two people who have suffered such a loss can see each other from across a room. Someone who has only lost tangentially, lost people who did not impact them or who they did not truly love, they can only know what this is like in conceptual way. So we, all of us, everyone who has suffered a loss that shook them, we live in this room called grief. We can come and go, we are not eternally tethered ever to it, but we can never leave it entirely. Not forever.

We looked at his pictures today, photos he had taken in the years leading to his death, all the many MANY memes he had saved. It was strange how sitting there, remembering, made it seem like he was not so far gone. Then, when I gathered my things and I got in the car to drive twenty miles back home, I could feel again that he was gone. Like air had swept back into a vacuum, there was a suddenness to the feeling that hurt my heart, made it hard to breathe.

Halfway home, the odometer rolled over to his lucky number.

[gelataisa]

Worst part about the mob wife aesthetic thing is it wasn’t actually happening at first? From what I heard, someone joked about making it an aesthetic. Then brands took it literally and paid for ads about it. Which then a few people took literally and did the look. Then people got mad. It was so weird.

My post was spurred by seeing a video commentary that showed tiktoks of people promoting the dress style vs alleged "real mob wives" romanticising life as a mob wife and saying that that dress style was part of their culture.

Now. I hope you all can see how many layers of wrong there are here.

Of course those women were only playing pretend but to me thats part of why this thing is hideous.

Even fake associating oneself with "the mob" (mafia) is sickening. And I know I come from "silly mafia fandom" but there is no blurred line in drawings. Especially when silly mafia fandom is so detached from anything real.

Playing pretend of being in the mafia, on the other hand... It blurs the line, it romanticises one of the greatest shames of my country.

And the fact that people abroad don't get it and think it's just harmless fun continues to be awful. They just think that it's some kind of moth or weird thing or just get such a distorted view of it (thanks, il padrino) that they think it's somewhat acceptable.

It is not.

There is nothing fun in mafia. There is nothing even remotely good in it.

And it is even worse seeing much of this discourse come in from people that proclaim they have Italian descent.

And don't get me wrong. I know the history of Italian migration. But I also know that nowadays Italian Americans are not Italian. I see it everyday

The "Italy" they come from does not exist anymore. The culture that was passed down to them is that of their grandparents (if there is still a direct link to Italy) and it is just old. And oftentimes in the worst sense.

An example: I could accept a 90yo in the littlest and most forgotten-by-god town in Sicily, or Calabria, or Campania saying that "mafia is not that bad". Not a 20-something yo from new York that just repeats what was passed down his family (and never had the decency to inform themselves)

Now this has become way too long and I'm sick so, tl;dr:

Mafia/the mob sucks, aesthetics related to it too, heritage is not culture

[redlacedbows]

For everyone who will see this, specifically writers and readers, there is a thin line between what's okay to write and not okay to write. And for every writer who's into the oddest, deepest most untouched kinks, this is for you. This is for you for every writer who doesn't correctly label their trigger warnings or even at all. (English is not my first language! Please, grammar nerds, correct me^_^) Let's start with age gaps. Age gaps are fine AS LONG as they're not minors. Your grandparents might have a ridiculous 10-year age gap but nobody will give a flying fuck because as you get older, you've had more experience being an adult (albeit I do NOT find 25 dating a 35-year old fine). But when it comes down to a student AND A TEACHER I will ALWAYS have something to say. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will ever justify classifying a student-teacher (romantically) relationship morally right. First of all, what the fuck, it's illegal. Don't ever normalize romantic student-teacher relationships, thank you. Non-con/Somnophilia! Self-explanatory, but some retards think it's sooo awesome and romantic and "heavenly." No, it's not, it's really not. If you find this attractive, please isolate yourself into the darkest crevices of your house and never leave. The entire obsession thing with somnophilia revolves around the idea of taking advantage of someone's defenselessness. In every. Single. Scenario. Unless your partner consents to your advancements, you will not continue. Always, always, ALWAYS ask consent from the other party to make sure that what you're doing doesn't make them uncomfortable. "It's just fictional, it's okay!" It's all sunshine and rainbows until it happens to you, something that happens to millions of women around the world, then suddenly, it's not okay anymore because finally, you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Step-parents x step-children or step-sibling x step-sibling. First of all, I shouldn't even have to be explaining what the fuck is wrong with this. This should be EXACTLY the same as how people view incest, but everyone's FIRST argument is always "but they're not biologically related!" Nobody gives a fuck because when you're sitting in court, trying to justify every reason that it's okay, everybody else will only think, "Hey, aren't they [parent] and [child]?"/"Hey, aren't they siblings?" Nobody cares that you're not related biologically or not, because you are family. I will always stress about this because that's your family, your parental figure, the person who's probably 20 times your age and is way more mature than you'll ever be. I probably could've worded this better but my head is totally blank and atp I'm just ranting everything that's wrong with this world. There's a shitload more that I can probably name once I'm feeling better.

Contemplating making this look more pretty so the illiterates will stop and scroll back