#i know most people don't even HAVE grandparents anymore and i'm only even having this problem because they;ve all lived to be 94 or 102

[unopenablebox]

my COMMITTEE MEETING is tomorrow and i fly out to my grandfather's funeral LITERALLY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD and my girlfriend is in GERMANY right now so i have to make sure the whole apartment is fully cleaned & ready to potentially have all the power shut off during a heatwave for a couple of days just in case that happens & also make sure my work samples don't die and all the antibodies i ordered still get in the freezer etc while i'm gone

and because i only learned i was dealing with this yesterday morning when he, you know, died, i absolutely did not budget time for both meeting prep and other work tasks and life stuff AND a deep clean of the fridge & kitchen or whatever it is i should do, and of course i also guessed completely wrong about what my PI would want me to be doing for this talk so i still have a bunch of stupid fiddly little figure adjustments to make each of which takes me an hour due to my like, bad intrinsic nature, and also i am having trouble focusing because my GRANDFATHER IS DEAD, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR, so i am going to be working on slides for like 28 cumulative hours and yet will have practiced this presentation zero times before giving it. so i hope they don't, you know, form any opinions about me based on it or anything

[mr-ribbit]

gonna rant again bc im seeing a lot of trans women on my dash having to carry the heavy lifting to argue for their basic respect and a lot of other queer people who want to ??? get mad about that apparently. for the record as usual: im tme, im not speaking for anyone besides myself and my perspectives, but I am trying to reach out to fellow tme people to level with y'all from inside the house.

i thought we all got past the 'calling people gendered terms when theyve asked you to stop' thing in like. 2012. i swear we were allllll on board with not calling women dude anymore, nerfing sir and ma'am, neutralizing collective terms for groups, and all of that was like, during the onceler era. that's how we got off-putting shit like folx into the mix - remember???? why are we here again.

to those who I've seen claiming that they REALLY genuinely don't want to offend anyone, and that theyre trying to understand the dude thing, and they don't want to be seen as transmisogynistic when they aren't: ok. let's talk about it. step one, stop sending that really loaded anon to a trans woman you don't know, and close that in-group hatepost with 100 replies from people name-dropping trans bloggers they don't like. try to open your mind and assume for the duration of this post that I am not cynically trying manipulate thousands of tumblr users into making Bro the next big swear word, but a fellow queer human being who thinks you're all being pretty intentionally obtuse about an upsetting trend in our community

to be clear: this post is about the issue of trans women being called bro, dude, man, etc., particularly in recent tumblr discourse about transmisogyny, and the backlash they face if they get upset about it. this is also maybe moreso about the shitty ass excuses I see tme people make for why they supposedly can't stop doing this.

so let's go through some of the things I've been seeing people say they don't understand, supposedly in earnest, about this issue

"I DIDNT USE DUDE AS A MASCULINE TERM. I CALL EVERYONE BRO. MAN IS A GENDER NEUTRAL TERM"

I'm not actually going to exhaust my list of reasons why dude/bro/man are not strictly neutral, but you should be pretty aware that all words have context. Dude might be seen as neutral in many contexts, sure, but 'woman who is frequently called a man by others' is a situation where the context adds extra meaning to your words, just like calling someone "sweetie" might be neutral in some cases, but if you've got the context of knowing that's your coworker who's half your age, it's a bit less neutral. If you're not capable of reading that context and being tasteful about when you say dude, then you need to at least be ready to respond gracefully when someone asks you to stop. This is the part I'd rather focus on.

"BUT I DIDNT MEAN IT THAT WAY. IM NOT TRANSPHOBIC"

I think you should consider broadening your perspective *beyond* your intention behind the word. people may already understand that you meant the word neutrally and therefore didn't have transmisogynistic intent, but that's not really the entire scope of what people are saying. if that's your only concern, you're just trying to clear your record, not actually listen to what they're saying.

there are lots of words people don't enjoy being called, and in most cases, when they say 'pls don't call me that', people respect that and move on. even if the word isn't a slur, if it hurts someone's feelings, we all as a society have agreed that it's pretty shitty to keep calling them that. if your friend asked you not to call them 'buddy' anymore because their dead grandparent called them that, or something equivalently personal, you'd probably respect that instead of telling them 'but I call everyone buddy!!' right? even if you didn't really understand why it bothered them so much?

there is a prominent tendency for trans women to be denied this privilege, and when they ask not to be called dude or bro, people don't seem to respect this request as much as they would in other situations. when I accidentally use a gendered word and someone tells me they don't like it, I try to respond with something like "my bad, I didn't mean it as misgendering but I can see you were still bothered by it, so I'll try not to keep saying it. sorry!" and most people are willing to accept that. when trans women ask people this favor, a lot of people get VERY defensive, and treat the request as inane or unfair, instead of just apologizing and moving on. this is why people are upset when this happens, and it's why people are calling your actions transmisogynistic

also like you might not be doing this, but a lot of people DO use dude and bro in an intentionally gendered way to make trans women uncomfortable. it's a power play bigots use to talk down to them or otherwise maliciously harass them. do you know what arguments they use to defend that behavior when called out on it? 'oh I call everyone that' 'dude is gender neutral calm down' 'dont overreact its just a word'. by acting like this, youre all just giving credence to those same arguments.

"WELL THEY SHOULDNT GET SO MAD AT ME WHEN I DIDNT MEAN ANY HARM"

they can get as mad as they want!! also, are you sure they're 'mad'? or are they just expressing their feelings about a negative topic to you, and it makes you feel bad, so you have to make them out to be unreasonably emotional? how do you think they should have phrased 'dont call me that' to better spare *your* feelings?

also like, in most cases, these women do not knowww you. if your main response to someone saying you disrespected them is to say "I didnt mean it that way, I meant it in a friendly neutral way", well that's NOT YOUR FRIEND! she has no idea what your opinions are or what you think of her!!! she has no reason to assume you only upset her in a friendly way and not a bad unfriendly way! but she did get upset, and she did the one thing she can do which is *tell you what upset her* and your response is to say "well actually you shouldn't be upset at all"??????

and another thing:

it's not just the issue of using the word 'dude', it's because you're coming off extremely dismissive of women who have asked you to stop doing something that harms them, and because your argument is basically that they just shouldn't be so bothered by it. or that they're stupid, irrational, or otherwise crazy for telling you that it bothered them at all, just because you Technically used a gender neutral word according to Your Rules. be honest, does that seem fair? If people were calling you something that bothered you enough to ask them to stop, and they responded like this, how would it make you feel?

focusing solely on your intent and what the words mean when you use them is the same thing as saying "just get over it". no woman should need to Prove to you that 'dude' is gendered for you to care about what she's saying. the fact that you're asking people to do that sucks and makes you look bad, which is why people are arguing with you and calling you a misogynist.

especially those of you who are only doing this with trans women who are actively arguing with. you're wielding misgendering as a cudgel and we can all see it, grow up please.

[a-lurking-fae]

It's 7 in the morning but I HAD TO WRITE THIS DOWNNN

What if Fontainian!Reader + A/B/O dynamics + ill reader?? But the reader isn't an omega, no. They'd be a beta, and as we know, betas aren't that suseptive to pheromones at all, some not even noticing it.

In a family filled with strong Alphas, a simple beta is just... there? A weak beta that's quite out of place, are you really sure you belong there?

You don't notice how people run from you. They're scared of you for some reason? You don't notice the furious pheromones of your family when someone tells you you're a stain.

Whenever Bruce lectures you, that's the only time you actually talk to him. You don't know that he as been emmiting pheromones that literally scream "It's ok." or "Don't be scared."

No. He's straight up intimidating, he doesn't know you can't smell pheromones, he never really took the time to know you. You could've been an omega and he would even know. So you think he's super angry!

But, apparently Bruce can't help the bitch face and rough tone (っ ͡ ͡º - ͡ ͡º ς). Now if Fontainian reader was sick, I don't mean like terminal diseases from earth— I'm thinking about the abyssal corrosion. If the reader was an adventurer, it wouldn't be a surprise if they ran into the abyss.

But let's add the fact your the Hydro Archon's granddaughter, and the fact that your also the Hydro Dragon's granddaughter! You'd make such a good target, if your cursed, you don't have much to lose anymore.

So you pack your bags and leave for Fontaine, leaving the family for good. So you left a note for Alfred, telling him all about your situation. He'd be distressed! Alfred would tell Bruce, convincing him to get you. You were his daughter, why would he leave you to die!

Bruce promised himself that he wouldn't let another of his kids die, but here you were, that thing in your system killing you painfully and slowly.

Bruce knows about Teyvat, that's where your mother was from. He never met your grandparents, he'd like to know them now. The family faces another problem though, how do they get there?

Dick would skimm through your journals and diary, trying to find any clues on how to to you. But you've written it in another language, something that never existed in earth. And if you were well-versed in most languages in Teyvat, you guys know that when your super angry, sometimes you speak in all of them.

So instead of Tim and Barbara finding a pattern in your stuff, it's filled with multiple mixes of mysterious languages. Any progress would end up with another dead end.

Duke is absolutely happy, the both of you were the same age! Basically twins, both your birthdays a few days apart. You were the only sense of normalcy that he always craved, something most of the fucked-up-and-traumatized family members couldn't do. But when you left, that sense of stability started to fade. He worries about you day-and-night, he hopes that you'll be home soon.

Cass would learn normalcy from you, she was a trained weapon, she didn't have any clue what to do with you. After all, you always did your best to understand and teach her about emotions. She appreciates you a lot. You took care of her when she was sick, bandaged her up when she was injured, and baked her snacks. She wants to experience it with you again.

Damian's family is very much traditional. So he most likely would be angry, how could you leave them? Not only are they capable Alphas, but they're powerful as well. It was your adventuring in that world that got you sick. You should have simply stayed at home. When you get back to the mansion, you'll sit tight until they find a cure.

If it was Nicer!Damian, then he would be angry at himself. He wasn't enough for you to stay in Gotham, he promises that he'll be a better brother. He knows you could die any time there with the abyss and all! He nags Bruce and Tim to find you faster. Motivating them with the fact Teyvat is dangerous, wars there are going on! It was finished, also, Inazuma was far as fuck!

All-in-all, they'd do everything in their power to reach you, so they'd recruit the Justice league, especially Diana. She's well versed in these stuff after all. The Al Ghul's would help too. Checking family records if there were any thing pertaining to Teyvat.

Meanwhile, in Teyvat. You're swimming with the sea otters with Neuvilette and Furina, who took time off to spend time with their grandchild.

[cbrownjc]

The sad thing is? I predicted this.

Yeah, so I've been gone from Tumblr for a while, I know. I had my major surgery back in the second week of October and have been home recuperating for two weeks now.

But I wanted to come on here tonight to vent a little about the presidential election.

Because even though there was a part of me that dared to hope even just a little, I KNEW this was going to happen. And I called it the minute Joe Biden was forced to drop out of the race, back in July.

This is the text message exchange I had with my sister the day he announced he was dropping out:

And let me make this clear: I'm a born and raised California native. I voted for Kamala Harris for both DA and Senate. I voted for her and very much wanted her to win.

But I know this damn country. I saw how Obama was treated and the freakout and build-up of white supremacy after he won twice. That's why 45 got in in the first place.

And as I said in the text to my sister? Never in the 4 other times that Democrats have replaced a candidate this late in the process has that candidate won. Ever. Only those who've never studied political history thought doing such a thing would actually work.

Anyone who called for Biden to drop out? Congrats, you fell for the most obvious Chaos OP EVER.

I don't usually talk politics on Tumblr. I save that for Twitter. But now that Apartied Clyde has taken it over and this mess has happened, I plan to delete my Twitter account by the end of the week. The only reason I'm not doing it sooner is so that those who only follow me there can catch me before I delete it.

Anyway, I can't even cry or be sad about this. I already went through that stuff when Biden dropped out. I'm just kinda numb. And tired. And disgusted. But, at least thanks to my dad, I feel like I very much saw this coming thanks to his lessons on this country and race/racism. He and my mother both lived through Jim Crow and so yeah, they knew.

"This is not who we are" some are saying.

Yes, it damn well IS who we are. And it's who we've always been. I can give you a history lesson, and I'm not just talking about slavery, civil rights, and the 19th Amendment. I'm talking about Lee Atwater, Nixon, and the Southern Strategy. All that has happened between 2016 and now is a full culmination of that.

A majority of white Americans would rather destroy the American Republic than share equal power with black people. (With misogyny and misogyny thrown in there as well.) I wish I could be surprised by that, but I sadly am not.

And this tweet pretty much sums up my feelings regarding what's next:

I'm still healing from my surgery. Once that's done and I am 100%, it's about me and my loved ones now, protecting the few remaining ones I have left. (I am SO thankful that none of my close family or still-close friends voted for that man . . . but then, the majority of them are black women too, so . . .)

Because this country has pretty much shown black people that we are hated -- and always will be on our own.

Everything my parents and grandparents fought for regarding Civil Rights will be gone now. The only thing I can be thankful for is that none of them are alive anymore to see this.

I NEVER thought I'd live to see the end of the republic but here we are. And done by people willfully voting to give it up because, as I said back in July, a majority of white people in this country would rather destroy the country than share power with black people.

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

TW I guess idk I don't want people to be pissed at me

i haven't been able to leave the house in a week and a half

i haven't even really looked out of the windows

the most social interaction I get is online

i had friends offline but they just sorta faded away

everyone is moving on without me

the only people I see in real life are my grandparents and we always end up in an argument because of miscommunication and them hiding information to avoid an argument

the only joy I get is from music and my online friends

i'm wasting my life

I've been like this for years

making new online friends fucking up and having a new group of people hate me

the last interesting thing that happened in my life was when a kid at my school joked about how easy it would be to drug and rape me because I'm going blind and don't have peripheral vision

i miss him

he was the only person giving me actual affection for once in my damn life

i ruined everything by showing the sro the messages

now I'm alone

yea I "dated" another kid between now and then but he was a dick and broke up with me when I called the cops after he sent me a message saying "if anything happens I love you"

kind of a dick move to imply you're about to commit suicide and then get pissed when I was worried

i ended up "dating" his ex best friend as a power move but of course it ended up being toxic lol

now I'm here

the days blend together

i don't know if I was being accurate when I said I haven't left the house in a week and a half it might have been more

i try to distract myself but it never lasts

my daydream that I always went to when I was feeling like shit doesn't help anymore

i'm not ok man

i'm lonely

i cant talk to the people who are "safe" to talk to because I'll just be sent right back to the mental hospital

[beomboomboom]

I Love You Thrice

genre: fluff, angst, drunken confession, childhood best friends to lovers

pairing: Seungkwan x reader

summary: The three times Seungkwan has fell in love with you and the one time it lasted forever.

warnings: alcohol, drinking activities

note: This fic is much longer than I anticipated it to be 😭😭 I hope you enjoy reading it though <33

They say that we fall in love 3 times in our lifetimes. The first is the love that feels right, the second is the love that hurts, and the third is the love that lasts forever.

The first time Seungkwan fell in love with you was when he was 10. Of course, he didn't know much about love at the time; only that it meant kissing on the lips and getting married so that you would be with that person forever.

But Seungkwan felt that spending forever with you didn't seem all that bad, and if it meant he had to kiss you on the lips in the process, he didn't mind that too much.

He was your best friend after all, and he would do anything if it would mean being with you forever. Playing with you every day was something he would never want to stop doing, even when he grew old like his grandparents.

"Seungkwannie~" you call from the playground. "Are you coming to play? We're waiting for you to start our game of tag!!"

Seungkwan brightens up at the prospect and yells back, "yes! wait for me!"

As he runs toward you he can't help but feel that when he's with you everything just feels so right.

The second time Seungkwan fell in love with you was when you both were in high school.

Seungkwan didn't want you to know at first, too scared of the possibility of ruining your friendship with him.

But every time he hung out with you, he couldn't help but wish you were more than just friends. He wished he didn't have to hide his desire to kiss you every time you leaned in closer to hear what he had to say. He wished he could just say "be my girlfriend" whenever you complained about a unrequited boy crush you were having at the moment.

But everything changed when your parents announced that you would leave Seungkwan's hometown in Jeju for a life in Seoul.

Seungkwan was heartbroken to say the least.

When you came to his house to break the bad news, tears flowed down your face, "I'm moving away Seungkwan...I-I can't bear the thought of leaving you."

Seungkwan simply hugged you as tight as he could, as if it could be tight enough to make you stay with him. "It's okay, you'll always be in my heart," Seungkwan says with a bittersweet laugh as tears begin to flow down his face as well.

In that moment, all those months of Seungkwan repressing his feelings seem to release. He doesn't know exactly why he decides to share his feelings for you right then and there. Maybe it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. Maybe it was because he simply couldn't hide his feelings anymore, not when you were pressed against his chest. Whatever the case, he took a great leap of faith and uttered the words he would never imagine he'd have the courage to say.

"I like you. I have for awhile. I know it's a terrible time to tell you but-"

You cut him off with a peck to his lips, "I like you too idiot, I should've told you earlier, but it's too late now." A bittersweet smile passes across your face as you cup your hands around Seungkwan's soft face.

Leaning into your touch, Seungkwan bursts into tears again at the reminder of your move. "I'm really going to miss you, you know?"

You let out a soft smile and hide your face in Seungkwan's shirt, breathing in his scent for what feels like the last time. "I know, just don't forget me okay?"

"Never," Seungkwan promises while running his fingers through your soft hair, something he thinks he won't ever be able to feel again.

In just a week, most of the people in his class wouldn't even acknowledge your missing presence. But Seungkwan will never forget you. He could never forget you.

No matter how much it hurt to live life and constantly be reminded of your missing presence, he couldn't ever let himself forget someone as special as you.

The third time Seungkwan fell in love with you was when he was preoccupied with everything but love.

He had worked his butt off for years to finally get a stable job in Seoul, and at the time he was working his way up the corporate ladder, hoping to get a bit more money into his wallet. This meant practically overworking himself and putting in long hours at work, all for his boss to hopefully notice his hard work.

But, everything changed when you popped into his life once again.

It was a random Sunday afternoon and Seungkwan was just browsing the grocery store shelves, focused on what foods to get for dinner that night. As he was deciding between penne or fettuccine pasta, he felt a person brush past him. Curious, he turned to look to see who exactly bumped into him, only to be met with the back of a girl who felt way to familiar to be just a stranger.

It took Seungkwan exactly 5 seconds to realize who exactly you were. But when he did realize, he felt his lips unconsciously turn up in a smile. "Y/N!!"

When you turned to the sound of your name being called, Seungkwan felt all the air leave his lungs. You were beautiful. The features he had once associated with his childhood best friend had now grown to be more mature.

"Boo Seungkwan? Is that really you?" You ask with a laugh of pure joy and disbelief the minute you lay your eyes on your old friend.

"Of course it's me you dummy. Come on, let me take you to my apartment. We need to catch up on all this lost time," Seungkwan says as he practically drags you out of the grocery store, both your faces reflecting pure happiness.

You and Seungkwan indeed did catch up on lost time. That day, you and Seungkwan spent the whole rest of the day talking about anything and everything at the same time. From what careers you guys were partaking in to reminiscing memories from your childhoods.

In only a few days, you had once again had became part of Seungkwan's daily life. The second Seungkwan got off work you were always there to pick him up, ready to go get some BBQ and Soju where you would proceed to catch up on years of not seeing one another. Then, in the morning after waking up hungover for the 29334 time, Seungkwan would be awoken with a cute "good morning" text from you and some anti-hangover pills on his bedside table.

It was only a matter of time before old feelings began to resurface, and sure enough in only a few weeks of being with you again, it began to occur to Seungkwan how much he really did love you.

He just couldn't help but notice how much brighter his life had become since you re-entered it. No longer was he exhausted at the end of every work day, now he was excited for the work day to end so that he could be with you. No longer did he dread waking up each day to go to work, now he was excited to wake up because that meant he could see you. Frankly speaking, you made his life have motivation.

That motivation being you.

Then it was as if Seungkwan were back in high school again, in denial and hiding his true feelings for you, scared as to what might happen to your guys friendship if he were to confess.

But who knew it would only take one night of Soju to break the cycle.

That night, you had opted out of the daily night drinking after Seungkwan got off work. Mainly because you were fighting a cold, but you didn't get the chance to tell Seungkwan that.

You were only able to let out the words, "sorry I can't go today becau-", when Seungkwan unexpectedly hung up on you.

Truthfully, Seungkwan was disappointed and angry. Yes, he probably shouldn't have hung up so fast and instead heard what you had to say. But Seungkwan felt as if you were blowing him off. So, in response he decided to drink by himself.

In hindsight, this was a terrible and unreasonable choice. One drink led to two, which eventually led him to finish a whole bottle, then another bottle.

And before he knew it, he was suddenly standing in front of your front door at precisely 1 AM. He didn't know exactly how he got there, his mind wasn't exactly processing what was going on, but his feet apparently had a mind of their own and walked to your house.

"Seungkwan? What are you doing here?" Confusion etched all over your half-asleep face after waking up to the continuous beeping of your doorbell.

"I-I-I likee youu. I like you so much, I lovee youu," Seungkwan mutters, his words slurring together, as he leaned forward to try and give you a wet, sloppy kiss.

"UH- Sorry- But, how about we have this conversation when you're not drunk?" You say after pushing Seungkwan's face away from your own.

"whyy~ do you not like me? are you rejecting me? we'll still be friends right? Cuz if not-" Seungkwan rambles drunkly as his face gets pink.

You let out a sigh before saying "Come on" as you lead Seungkwan into your house where he then collapses onto your bed and starts to snore. You silently let out a laugh as you tuck the drunk Seungkwan under the blanket .

"I like you too idiot," you whisper with a smile into the quiet room as you give Seungkwan's puffy cheeks a peck.

When Seungkwan wakes up he thinks he's dreaming.

Across from him, is your sleeping figure, sleeping peacefully as he simply stares at you in shock.

No way.

Tracing your features lightly with his hand, he lets out a fond smile. He decides that if he's dreaming, he's at least going to enjoy this time with you.

You're so pretty in the morning.

As he contiues to trace your features with feather-light touches, it dawns to Seungkwan that this might not be a dream the second your eyes begin to flutter open.

"Seungkwan?" You mutter, your voice still sleepy-sounding,"I like you too, you know," You say with a teasing smile.

"WHAT- HOW DID YOU KNOW I- WHHAT?" Seungkwan yells as his mind gets thrown for a loop. Suddenly he pauses as all his memories from last night come back to him. The soju. The confession. The response.

No. He did not-

But he did.

"Oh my gosh...I-I'm sorry-" Seungkwan starts to say before pausing. "Wait. Did you just say you liked me back?"

You let out a silent nod as you scooch closer to Seungkwan on the bed and whisper into his ear. "I love you Boo Seungkwan."

"Forever?" Seungkwan questions with a teasing but fond smile plastered on his face.

"Forever," you answer as you lean down to give Seungkwan a chaste kiss on his lips.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

So here's a thing I wish I could put on my main blog, or post on my Facebook, but I think all it would do is make me feel even more miserable and alone.

So, I consider myself Jewish and always have. That's my cultural and ethnic heritage on my dad's side of the family, the only family I grew up with. Yes, patrilineal, but I'm still Jewish. My dad's grandparents fled pogroms in Ukraine and came to the US as deeply traumatized people seeking survival. You can see the repercussions of that recent history in the generations that followed them. For the past few years, I've been actively working to find my place in that history and that heritage, because it's a part of who I am and who I will always be, and I want to be able to be part of it in return. That's my personal context.

When a terrorist group murdered and kidnapped a bunch of civilians last October, I was horrified. When a far-right extremist government retaliated by slaughtering an unthinkable number of civilians, I was horrified. I contacted my own politicians, I donated what money I could spare, I wept at the nightmare that was playing out.

I continue to be horrified as the inhumanity continues, at the sheer scale of tragedy and terror. I wish I had any power to stop it, and I do the small things I can to try to help alleviate suffering.

But you know what else has horrified me? The way my so-called allies, the leftists, the social justice warriors, have responded. I'm lucky that I could grow up without hate being thrown my direction (perhaps because people where I grew up did not know I was Jewish despite my very Jewish last name), but I am aware of what Jew-hate looks like. And I have been seeing people I thought I could trust now wallowing in variations of centuries-old hatred without questioning it, believing outright lies that can be easily disproven with even the most superficial fact-checking, listening to people who wish to do harm, and reducing a complex situation to the stark black-and-white, good-versus-evil conflict from a bad young adult novel.

I'm still going to hope for peace. I'm still trying to contribute what I can to help victims of violence and war.

But, speaking frankly, I don't trust a lot of people anymore and I probably never will. There is no place for me in leftist social justice communities.

I don't know why people have hated Jews for so long, except that I suppose it feels good to have someone else to blame your problems on. But people really truly do hate Jews, and they really truly have for a very long time with unthinkably tragic consequences, and there are modern groups who are absolutely thrilled to be able to bring newcomers into their circles of Jew-hate in the guise of fighting for justice.

And so many of the people I thought were my friends are following them into it without a second thought.

I am disappointed. I am betrayed. I am hopeless.

And I guess I'm pretty damn alone, because I am sure as hell not going to align myself with people whose values are in opposition to my own just because the leftists are also showing their hate.

It breaks my heart.

I'm posting this on my secret sideblog because, I don't know, I've been reading Jumblr for months now and it often helps me feel less alone and I suppose I am reaching out a hand asking if anyone else will be willing to take my hand and tell me I am not alone.

We are not a monolith, I know some of you feel differently from me in either direction, but I know at least some of you feel like I do and even those of you who don't fully align with me will still not smear me with hatred.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever Rosh Hashanah service and I have been doing my best to prepare and I want to be proud, I want to be joyful, I want to embrace hope for a brighter new year and I want to shout to the rooftops that my people are beautiful and our traditions are beautiful and isn't it wonderful that I am able to step back where I belong among them, but instead I want to weep.

[trevination]

I'm curious for marlie have you talked about how they got together? Or shared like a first kiss etc?? I'm actually so curious!

AHHH YESS!! well i havent posted about it but we've tapped about it on discord and AHHH its so important to me omg

okay so. they pine after each other for a WHILE. charlie has always known he's gay so he's just like "i wanna kiss this man so bad" but micah's just casually thinking "it feels like the sun has been brought into my life" and just. Not. realizing he likes him. charlie keeps trying to like hint to micah that he likes him and very casually flirt and show he's interested in him but micah is not fucking catching the hints, even as he's realizing he likes charlie romantically (and micah isn't like. scared or ashamed to be gay honestly he's like "that makes sense" but he knows how awful his life would be if people found out and he cant do that to his family). eventually, charlie's thinking like "oh maybe i've been reading this the wrong way" and he starts like pulling away from micah because he's trying not to hurt himself even more. and micah's just like "????? what? what happened did i do smth"

like u also need to know they are just casually So domestic and gay. like micah gets home from work in the evening and charlie is playing with rosie and messing with the twins and helping them with homework and making dinner. charlie spends Much more time at micah's house than his own (bc his grandparents are neglectful assholes who don't give a fuck abt him) and like. the number of times charlie has fallen asleep on micah on the couch or the times micah has tucked charlie in when he crashes at his house. and charlie subconsciously referring to the foster house as 'home' and charlie being the only person micah could ever be open with... ohh my god they make me sick

BUT back on topic. charlie isnt even being super distant, he's just not being as affectionate but its so abnormal micah's like "wtf" and confronts him, not wanting to lose the one person he has, the one thing in like he's so selfishly wanted. charlie is stuttering a bunch and trying to figure out what to say, because he cant tell anymore if micah likes him romantically but he's saying all this stuff about how he doesn't wanna lose charlie, and charlie stutters through telling him he likes him and-- as charlie's trying to explain, micah just realizes "I rlly love him" and charlie's stuttering comes to a pause as he's trying to figure out what to say and micah just... kisses him.

i imagine it's both of their first kisses, maybbeeee charlie kissed someone once in like middle school? but it's the first time there's ever been an actual emotional connection for either of them. sparks just fly. micah has never had someone to be so open with, weak around, and charlie has never had someone who genuinely Wanted him, who cared about him so personally. it's just. they don't even need to say anything. they just kiss each other and hug and lay down on the couch (this would def be nighttime when rosie and the twins (micah's siblings) are asleep) and just cuddle and kiss and giggle into each others faces . its so sweet and fluffy and charlie 100% cries

then. they wake up in the morning in each others arms and continue their morning routine. make breakfast, wake up the kids, charlie walks them to school then walks to the highschool, micah drives off for work, and they see each other again that evening.

sorry im yapping sm they make me SO SICK THEYRE SO !!!!!! EVERYTHINGG OH MY GODDD <33333 honestly most of what we think about them is. so fucking angsty like idk how much I've talked about charlie's jumping by the socs or what happens after charlie goes to college but... ugh. they mean so much to me they make me sickkkk

[oddballwriter]

Growing old with moon Boys?

Warnings: Nothing much, just the idea and scenario of being old with the boys 

Author’s Snip: This was so wholesome. Think of the boys in any way you want.

I’ll shut up now. Enjoy! And don’t be afraid to request.

Steven Grant

This. This is Steven's shit right here

I think, in the most simple yet deepest way. This is what Steven wants in life. To just have someone to grow old with.

I'm not saying he has old people hobbies because I read too, but like... Steven wears button-ups and sweaters, reads, does little puzzles, and drinks tea already... he is so ready to grow old with you

I like to think that you and him just become the neighborhood grandparents. Maybe you did have children together, but they've left the nest now and you guys just decide to spend your free time being part of the community and enjoying life

You guys would be that cute old couple who take walks together all the time, you know the ones

I'm sure a cat and a dog come into the equation somehow, they always do

Marc Spector

Peak grumpy old man

Not like the "get off my lawn" type, just the ones where they only really like one person, and that person is you

I don't really think he ever really thought about growing old with you, time just passes by him and you and then he just kind of realizes that you and him are grey-er and more humble one day. And he likes it

Marc would be the type of old man who just likes sitting at home and enjoying his days with you

I feel like anything you do just doesn't phase him anymore because you two have been together for so long

Like you can just spontaneously bring home a pet and he'd voice some disdain but then just accept it

Carl and Ellie energy

Jake Lockley

Jake never really thinks much about growing old but the idea is nice to think about

He's definitely kept his spark and still does things he enjoys despite how old he may be

Age be damned, he's drinking a beer

I like to think that even if he's old, he still looks to have fun and talk to people

You guys know that one old couple from, I think, Australia who just live on cruises - Jake energy

I think that is just right up Jake's alley

Though, if you want to stay settled down then he'd gladly do that for you. Jake honestly just wants to be with you and be with people

I can also see him being the type of old man who sits on the front porch with you next to him and just watches people and things go by

I firmly believe that he gives all the young people in his neighborhood advice and some words of wisdom, but he also says "I don't know though, mijo/mija. Just do what feels right." because he knows that he might give some not so good advice

Steven is the neighborhood grandpa that you go to whenever you want, but Jake is the old man that you get advice from for the tax of giving him a bottle of beer

[brightclaws5tudios]

Respect

(Before I say this, I will admit that my aunt has Down Syndrome, but that still does not account for the imbalance of respect in this house, because my grandparents just use it as an excuse for everything that she does while not considering how that might make everyone else hate them.)

TW: Me complaining abt shit that's probably not even important

Idk, I really don't think my family gives me enough respect. It's stupid to ask, because I'm the youngest anyway so it's not like they'd care, but like I feel like half of the time they don't give a shit. I literally got in trouble yesterday for calmly telling my aunt there was no 'x' in 'espresso' and this morning for covering up my stupid doodles because she was sticking her face really close and being a distraction to my work. Meanwhile, she is allowed to try to strangle me, swear at me, interrupt me, scream in my face, make stories about me where I'm basically way over sexualized for some reason, and she used to be allowed to sit on me and bite my neck.

I'm not allowed to say mother trucker.

They take away everything I have for such minor offenses, my phone was gone for half a year because I didn't do the recycling once. Anything she does, she can blame me for, and they won't care, as long as there's somebody to yell at. They want me to get out and get a job and all that shit, yet they also don't even want me to swear or go in the woods in case I scrape my precious knee. God forbid I try to decide my own gender, because of course they know more about that than I do.

God damn. Seriously, I can't leave, but I really need to. My grades are dropping because of the stress they put on me, but they only like me when my grades are good. If I piss them off while doing a big fat assignment, they'll get my aunt to come over and scream just to distract me more and more when even the sound of their voices in most cases is enough to make me forget what I'm writing. I tell them I hate being called 'missy' and 'lady' and all that shit and they do it more because they know I hate it, and I'm pretty sure they know I'm trans, because I overheard my grandmother talking about how my name was stupid and the only redeemable quality of it was that it was Greek.

Even at school I can't escape this. Shit gets thrown at me. In one class period, I had:

Cucumber slices

A grape

Wet tissues

Water

The cup they held the water in (which they stole from me)

Silly putty

Wads of paper

All of those were thrown at me. Instead of Atlas, the kids at school call me Alice, hoping it will sound similar enough that I won't notice, but I do. I've been filmed and posted without my consent, nobody does shit about it, and it's all because I'm 'weird'. Can't tell my grandfather, he yells and calls me a wuss when I admit that I did not, in fact, beat the shit out of them for it, when I know he'd kill me if I did. I get told that since I didn't fight, I don't need his protection. People yell behind me, sometimes slurs, because my flinch response is so big that they know I'll run. At night I can be so peaceful, then out of nowhere tense up so much that I almost kick a wall and am on edge for a while. Even friendships aren't safe from this, turns out my best friend of 10 years was using me for academics for the past year and couldn't stand me.

Fucking great. I even gave him sharks.

(Edit I forgot to mention that I get called an animal but I don't think it's important anymore I got my point across)

[auroraescritora]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME - PERCY/NICO AU HIGH SCHOOL - CHAPTER XIX

Hello, how's it going? Thank you to everyone who voted in the poll. In fact, I didn't even know that so many people read the story in English; 49 votes, only two or three negative. So I'm glad to know I'm not writing for the walls. I've been thinking, it seems that polls are a good way of communicating. I'll use them from time to time to check if the plot is still going well. The chapters are short, but we'll get there slowly. I hope you enjoy it.

CHAPTER I / CHAPTER II / CHAPTER III / CHAPTER IV / CHAPTER V / CHAPTER VI / CHAPTER VII / CHAPTER VIII / CHAPTER IX / CHAPTER X / CHAPTER XI / CHAPTER XII / CHAPTER XIII / CHAPTER XIV / CHAPTER XV / CHAPTER XVI / CHAPTER XVII / CHAPTER XVIII

"Thank you. "Nico finally said when the Jackson family hugged him together, Sally almost crying while Grover and Tyson had a serious, neutral expression on their faces, reminding him of when Percy was trying to control himself so that he wouldn't destroy everything he saw along the way.

He liked that too, knowing he could count on the whole family. And since he was being honest, why not  carry on?

"You know? I haven't seen Hades in years. Is really necessary to work so hard because of him? I was thinking of something more effective.”

"Whatever you need, dear." This time, it was Sally who said it, already composing herself; the mother giving space to the businesswoman.

"I was thinking about emancipation." When no one said anything, Nico decided to close his eyes and keep on talking. "Hades has control of my mother's possessions and, as an only child, I won't have access to them until I'm twenty-one. If I speed up things, I can try to recover what is mine before Hades destroys everything.”

"I don't understand, Hades can't touch that money without the court's permission." Tyson said, confused.

"That's the problem. My mother had stocks and other assets that Hades has access to. Most of what he has comes from my mother.”

"Are you telling us that it was your mother who was rich and not Hades?"

Now it was Percy who seemed unhappy.

"Hades used to be a bank manager. Mama fell in love with him and I was born. In fact, Bianca is my half-sister, like you already know. My grandfather is a big farmer, you know? Mama used to help him before Hades showed up.”

"Wow. No, I did not know that." Grover muttered. "And your father is a son of a bitch.”

"He is. I didn't feel safe telling anyone this, but now that he can't hurt me, it's time to get back everything he took from me.”

"We're going to help. Tyson is going to start the preparations.”

"Can we take him by surprise? Try to get my mother's inheritance back and do the emancipation together? I don't want to give him time to fight back.”

"Of course. It's a great idea," Tyson said with a strange glint in his eyes. "He won't even notice when we catch him. I promise." 

"Okay. I trust you. If emancipation doesn't work, can you be my guardians? I never want to go back to that house again." 

"You have our word." Sally touched his shoulder, smiling at him with tears in her eyes. "We will destroy this man, even if it’s by force." 

"You don't have to promise me. I just... I don't want to be under his control anymore. I don't know what might happen."

"Is Bianca okay living with him?" 

"He's never treated Bianca the way he treats me." 

"Oh, honey." Sally said and hugged him tightly, with Percy still holding him by the waist. 

He refused to cry, refused to give Hades this pleasure, refused to continue under that man's control. While he was in Verona with his grandparents, cousins, and uncles, Hades hadn't had the courage to approach him. But now that no other adult was responsible for him, Hades thought he could boss him around. Well, Nico would prove it to that man and give him back a taste of what Hades had done to him.

"I'm fine. Is all in the past. I just want what's mine."

"We know," Percy finally said, coming out of his stupor. "I'll take care of you."

Nico knew that, Percy was saying those words so often that he was starting to believe it. Maybe they really did have a chance to get married in the future and build a family of their own, away from all this confusion and pain. Maybe if he behaved and did everything the right way, he would free himself from this nightmare, from these people who seemed determined to torture him.

***

After that, things seemed to calm down, but in a delicate way.

He said he should have kept quiet from the beginning, didn't he? Nico didn't understand exactly what was happening, but he did suspected something was going on.

Nico felt like Percy was distancing himself from him, as though he was loosening the leash of his collar to see how far Nico would go without supervision. Or maybe, that was just how he felt. Maybe Percy was giving him some space, some time for Nico to understand what was happening and take the next step with precaution. 

Where Percy used to be by his side at every moment of the day, now someone else would replace him without Nico even realizing it. It was strange, the few times he found himself alone and was able to think, the effect of what Percy wanted became the opposite. This time alone made him think about life and the possibilities that the future held for him. It scared him, the uncertainty, seeing that he would have to take the reins of his own life if he wanted to live comfortably, when, in reality, all he wanted was for someone to come and tell him what was the right path to take. 

That afternoon would be no different, making him lose himself in the succession of days, pleasant days with people who cared about him, but without the pleasure that Nico had become accustomed to receiving. Would a few days be enough for Percy to convince himself? Was he behaving as expected of him?

Nico was so tired of all that. He just got out of bed and walked around the house. He found Sally in the kitchen and declined the invitation to cook with her. He found Tyson in the study who offered to update him on the Hades case, and once again declined, passing Grover who was in the living room, going straight to the outside area of ​​the house, the only place Percy could be.

There Nico found him, watching Percy swimming at fast speed in the pool, up and down, incessant and frantic, Nico having the impression that Percy was trying to punish himself and for something he should never be blamed for. When Nico finally got close enough to get a better look at Percy's profile, he remained silent, wondering if it was a good idea to break Percy's self-imposed routine. What if this was their future and Nico was just delaying and fighting against what was hopeless? Finding himself at a dead end, Nico sat down in one of the lounge chairs and carried on watching Percy swim furiously, looking like he was trying to take out all his frustration in the water.

It wouldn't be long now. 

If Nico was still following their script, in a few minutes Percy would get out of the pool and go after him. Percy would hug him and smile at him, being all affectionate and they would spend the rest of the afternoon and part of the evening doing anything other than what they wanted to be doing. He was so tired of all this that Nico wasn't even surprised when Percy came out of the pool like someone was chasing after him, almost  walking straight past him. 

Nico felt like laughing, this was so ridiculous; Percy was ridiculous and he was ridiculous too. What were they waiting for? The trauma and the sadness to disappear so they could move on with their lives? That maybe with time and patience Nico would be a normal and mentally balanced person? The funniest thing was seeing Percy backing up and stopping next to his chair, smiling sheepishly at him. And what did Nico did? He smiled back, it was the only rational thing to do in a situation that made no sense at all.

"Hey, handsome. What are you doing here all alone?" Percy asked and crouched down, getting to his height and staring at him closely.

"I missed you." 

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to know where you were." 

"I'm here, like always." 

Nico wanted to say it was a lie. Percy might be there, but he wasn't by his side anymore.

"What's happening to us?" He asked, feeling more tired with each passing moment.

"Nothing's happening." Percy said and smiled at him, gently touching his face. And that was the problem, nothing was happening and he needed something to happen immediately, or he would go completely crazy.

Nico almost let himself be carried away by the platonic caress, almost let Percy's calm smile fool him.

"Did I... did I do something wrong?"

"That would never be possible." 

"You don't like me anymore?"

"Nico." Percy said in the calmest voice he had ever heard. "I think we should slow down.”

“More than this?”

“I…” Then the calm mask on Percy’s face broke. "I abused you. I never asked why you wouldn’t talk to your father. I never questioned why you cried and shook when you thought no one was watching. I need space. I thought it would be good for you too.”

“I don’t need space. I need you.”

Nico didn’t hesitate, he threw himself into Percy’s lap and hugged him tightly, feeling a lump form in his throat.

“Nico. I… I feel guilty. I’m just another one who wants to abuse you.” The important thing was that Percy hugged him back, tightly, holding him by the back of his neck and whispered in his ear. "I want to see you at my feet and I want to see you obeying everything I tell you to do. I want you to look only at me and think only about me. Do you think this is any different from what Hades was doing to you?”

“I don’t care.” There, he said it. “I want to do all of this for you.”

“Nico, please.”

“I’m tired. Why can’t I have what I want? Why is it so wrong to be under someone else’s control?”

He heard Percy groan and before he could react, Percy pulled him by the hair and made him face Percy, his green eyes blazing, as if Percy was about to devour him right there.

“You’re going to kill me. You know that? I’m trying to take care of you. I’m doing what’s best for you.”

“I don’t want the best, I just want to not feel so miserable all the time.”

Percy stared at him for a long moment, looking like he was going to break down at any moment, but finally his wish was granted; Percy pressed his lips against his and stayed like that for a few moments, allowing him to feel the warmth and touch that he had missed so much. And suddenly, it was enough for Nico. It wasn't the sex he missed, it was the warmth of Percy's body on his, the affection, the caring touch, the release of tension, the connection he hadn't found anywhere else.

Unfortunately, the moment was broken some time later. Percy's hands were still on his skin and he was still sitting on Percy's lap, they were still staring at each other as if the other would disappear if they looked away.

"I never wanted you to feel this way," Percy finally said, swallowing hard. "I feel like a monster. I'll-- I'll get over this, I just need some time." 

"Do we need to stay apart? I don't want to learn about law from Tyson or about sports from Grover, I don't even want to learn new recipes from Sally. I promise I won't bother you." 

"How can you say this to me?" That was all Percy said before he buried his face in his neck and Nico felt tears hit his skin, Percy's arms tightening around his waist.

"Oh." Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to corner Percy after all. 

Nico was convinced of that when he heard the first sob. Why did everything he did go wrong? With a tight chest, Nico pulled Percy up and lay down with him on the lounger. He would obey Percy's wishes and give him the space he needed.

Suggestions or comments? Thank you for reading!

[thynisia-pac-readings]

PAC - What brings joy to you? How to bring joy to yourself?

[please do not copy or reproduce any part of this reading, thank you]

This reading is meant to assist you in connecting with the vibration and experience of joy. While this is for guidance, it is also meant to be fun. These groups are collectives, so take what resonates only!

I'm happy you chose to read this pick-a-pile, and may it bring you closer to the light within you. 🌻

Now slowly take 3 deep breaths. Ask your guardian angel to help you find the relevant pile for you and let your intuition guide you throughout this reading. Enjoy!

---

Pile 1

Signs: pay attention to yourself. apple. justice served. I love you. India, US.

Pile 1!!!! Pile 1, pile 1, pile 1. As I shuffled the cards, I found myself singing. I can bet most of you find joy in singing freely, and even a card fell, backing this up.

I'm also getting that to find joy is to find bliss, and to find bliss is to find joy. That is what joy means to you, pile 1. For you, bliss can be found in your peace and quiet, it can be felt through the divine and experienced during meditations. Being by yourself and not talking, is healing for you. It also helps you to get in touch with yourself as well as your divine team. Again very healing, centering, and therefore it's easier for you to feel that bliss and joy.

Someone here could have a bird or parrot, I think your bird is funny AF and makes you laugh a lot.

Some of you may be close to a grandparent, and so the advice here is to spend time with them as it is a very good way for you to bring joy to yourself (and them!).

We've got the romance card so some of you may feel most joyful when you're in a relationship. But mostly, what I'm getting is that being there for people and supporting them is what brings you joy, always - whatever kind of relationship that is! I feel like you bring out the light within people, the angelic aspect they didn't know they had. That tells a lot about you too, pile 1.

Back to the singing, I also feel like it helps you release a ton of heavy stuff (feelings, painful memories...) that you don't want trapped in you or that you don't want to carry anymore. It also helps you to unleash your true self. There's definitely an element of transformational healing there with singing or songwriting, and the divine is strongly encouraging you to keep doing that.

Some of you could be singing with your own family members. For some, singing is a key characteristic of a side of your family since many generations! How cool is that!!

If you want to purchase a reading from me check my masterlist or go straight to my Etsy listings here. discount code: TUMBLR

---

Pile 2

signs: having fun adventures, taking joy in learning, living freely and passionately (see moon & mars in Aries and Sagittarius). Brazil, India, NZ, South Pacific, UK. 44.

I saw deep blue as I was shuffling the cards (in my mind's eye), and sure enough most of the cards had a deep blue in them. I also sensed some sadness from this collective. This deep blue could mean something to you, or it could just represent this sadness of yours.

For this Pile, the divine is asking to bring forth your patience in things, as joy will definitely find you. It seems like you really struggle with it at the moment, so this reading is a welcome guidance for you and I am happy that you chose to read it. :)

For your collective, the divine seems to highlight the importance of patience and growth. They are asking you to cultivate yourself, cultivate discipline/persistence and cultivate patience as good things are headed your way while you practice this cultivation. You could find it useful to listen to monks' wisdom and how they cultivate themselves on patience, discipline, persistence, as well as how they face challenging experiences. Preferably, find books written by them on the subject, as they can freely explain everything. YouTube videos cut many parts out and are nowhere as comprehensive/rich as the monks' own books.

Finally, you are asked to trust yourself as you navigate through the difficult path you are walking on. It is not easy and sometimes you may feel like you are losing balance, but listen; even the whole universe is in a constant fight for balance. Complete balance between the light and the shadow does not exist and that's what makes the universe alive! You are the universe too, you are a spark of God/Creator, and hence it is perfectly normal for you, like all of us, to continually try to find a balance. It's all part of the experience, you beautiful wise soul. And what can be more amazing than knowing that we are alive, that we are all experiencing joys and pains, just like the universe is both made of light and dark..!!

If you want to purchase a reading from me check my masterlist or go straight to my Etsy listings here. discount code: TUMBLR

---

Pile 3

signs: someone is named Grace and it's for a reason - maybe your mother named like this on purpose, Pile 3 you could have a very gentle voice that soothes people, there's a lot of kindness in your voice as I have myself talking this way throughout your reading (yes I talk out loud during my readings). traveling could be a source of joy. US, Australia, UK.

A lot to unpack here (in a good way) but it's also pretty clear to me. It feels like you are Earth angels or Starseeds, I mean to everyone you're literally like a light sent on Earth. You yourself feel like you have a lot of love and care to give to people, so much so that you want to make of it your career. So take it as a sign if that's what you've been thinking about.

The divine are really highlighting that you have a strong connection to your intuition and that a major purpose of it is to be used in service to others. You are divinely guided, and you definitely have your own mission or purpose in this life on Earth, which is to assist and guide others towards their inner light, their inner spark of Creator/Source.

You may be hesitating at the moment but trust your intuition, you will find joy on the path that the divine accompanies you on. Worry not, whatever path you chooses, the divine will always support you. However this reading is about what brings you joy and how you can bring joy to you. ;)

Now that's out of the way, let me indulge in the feeling I got from you Pile 3! It's a secret shh, but you're my favourite pile of the 3! xD

I got this really sweet, caring and loving energy from your collective, it's beautiful! Your spark is really focused on assisting others, which makes me think you're more likely an angelic aspect than a starseed. You love others but you also let others love you - and by letting them love you, you are helping them to nurture and express these energies more! In other words, people feel safe to express these caring energies towards you as well.

In terms of vibration, love and joy are not so far off from each other and they are actually interconnected, aren't they? :)

So there you go Pile 3, keep true to yourself and your values, keep shining your light (love) inside out, keep hugging others within your angel wings ~

If you want to purchase a reading from me check my masterlist or go straight to my Etsy listings here. discount code: TUMBLR

---

Obviously, this type of reading is amazing to do because you're bathing in the energy you're reading about! Amazing. Again I hope you enjoyed. Let me know what piles you got and what your thoughts are~

Thynisia <3

This reading was done partly through cartomancy, divine channeling and my personally made paper note signs. I thank Source, Gaia, and all of our higher selves and guardian angels for supporting and blessing this reading. 🙏🏼

[destinygoldenstar]

I Answer The Would You Rather Questions From TD2023 Episode 17

(IK what you're gonna say about the title, idc, I'm calling it one long season because I feel like it)

Here's the video I'm basing this off of in case you're curious.

Would You Rather...

A) Camp in a Graveyard for a month

B) Go without toilet paper for a week

I WANT to say I wouldn't be scared cause zombies aren't real, BUT I'd be lying cause in real life, I'm anxious like no tomorrow. Plus at least with the other it's a lesser timespan.

B

(I relate to Damien so hard with this one.)

Would You Rather...

A) Have to wear clown makeup for a year

B) Have your direct messages made public

I don't actually DM that much, most you'd find are a bunch of sex bots that I blocked immediately, and other than that it's really just me answering people's questions about media. So I can't really say I'd lose much.

But honestly, I think clown makeup is actually pretty fun. Didn't say I wouldn't get to design the makeup myself. I'd just be cosplaying as Pomni, and I think I'd be okay with that cause Pomni is adorable.

A ; For the fun of it

Would You Rather...

A) Lose the passwords to all your devices everyday

B) Spend the entire next school year in a hot dog costume

Jokes on you Chris, I'm not in school anymore.

B

I SUCK at passwords anyway. So, NO THANKS.

Would You Rather...

A) Be Hockey Superstar *Whatever he said*

B) Be the puck that scored the game winning goal in the 1980 cup finals

One, I am not a sports person let alone a hockey person

Two, I was not alive in the 1980s!

I'd go with B cause I don't want to 'be other people'. I do that in fiction already and with my cynical online persona. I don't do that in real life.

Would You Rather...

A) Slide naked down a ski hill

B) Spend a day in a wave pool that uses bark instead of water

I hate the cold. So let alone being naked, it would suck.

But swimming in VOMIT?!

NO THANKS

A

Would You Rather...

A) Popcorn that tastes like poop

B) Poop that tastes like popcorn

NEITHER.

Straight up. NEITHER.

I hate both of these so much. I do not understand how Zee can possibly pick one without hesitation. (Then again, it is Zee, so...)

I am SUCH a sensitive eater. I will vomit no doubt at both of these.

I guess technically one isn't s**t, it's just the flavor sucks, so... A?

But if there was an option to pick C, I'd do it.

Screw the rules of this challenge. make it a trick question and have the person fall no matter what. TROLL, Chris. Why wasn't there a troll like that in the challenge? I'm surprised.

Would You Rather...

A) Take truth serum and be questioned by Chef

B) Only be able to eat Chef's cooking for a whole year

Again, sensitive eater over here.

DEFINITELY A.

Would You Rather...

A) Eat a bowl of toenail clippings

B) Not shower for a month

I'm actually tolerant to nail clippings, but AGAIN...

B

He said SHOWER, he said nothing about baths, swimming, deodorant, washing your hands and face, etc. So YEAH, it's actually not that bad if you think about it.

Would You Rather...

A) Eat 200 Lemons

B) Wrestle your best friend's grandpa

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CHOICES THAT INVOLVE EATING SOMETHING?!

I'm a softie, so I'd lose, BUT...

My best friend in particular actually hates her grandparents. So she'd love me if I wrestled them, even if I'd lose.

B

Would You Rather...

A) Eat pudding directly from a gorilla's armpit

B) Jump from a plane with a parachute packed by your ex

In the episode, they make this sound worse than it actually is.

Or maybe that's just me because I actually DON'T HAVE AN EX

(At the time I am posting this)

HA! GOTCHA!

B

Even if I were to break up with my partner just for the sake of doing this, (then get back with her afterwards) she is very skilled with this sort of stuff, has made several crafts like this, and I trust her completely.

Usually I'd hate falling, or anything that involves a vertical motion like that, BUT there's a parachute so it wouldn't be that bad.

And at this point, you'd know I'd do basically anything to get out of eating nasty stuff. If my choices are something to go off of my character.

Would You Rather...

A) Fight one bear

B) Fight 100 Rabid Kittens

I'd lose no matter what.

I am a HUGE cat person, so at least I'd be used to the kitten's scratching and biting. And maybe I'd tame them rather than fight them. That's my method of fighting.

Bear? I'd DIE.

B

(Also i love Wayne and Raj here. They're so cringe in the wholesome way)

Would You Rather...

A) Give up texting for five years

B) Lose your bathing suit at a crowded wave pool

I text my partner ALL THE TIME, and I will NEVER GIVE THAT UP

B

At least with this option I could just run away, just one embarrassing moment rather than stuck there for five years or something.

And if someone said took a video of me and posted it, uh, JAIL FOR THEM, CAUSE THAT'S ILLEGAL

Would You Rather...

A) Dirt poor but celebrated as a great poet

B) A filthy rich lawyer who puts guilty criminals back on the street

Hello. I'm a writer.

I ain't gonna put people in danger like that.

A

Would You Rather...

A) Be genetically merged with a warthog

B) Have Chris McLean as your dad

First off, who f****d a warthog to begin with?

You know Chris as a person, you know it would be AWFUL

A

Looks don't matter, I'd say

Would You Rather...

A) Apologize for something you're not sorry for

B) Go bald by the time you're 23

In the episode they act like this is a really hard one because it's Chase.

I knew what he was gonna say right away. You see ONE episode with this guy, you KNOW his answer.

SERIOUSLY EMMA, HE'S YOUR EX, HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP?! HOW?!

Anyway, for MY answer,

I'm not a jerk.

A

Yeah I have stuff I'm not sorry for, but it is leagues better than hair loss. Let me tell you.

Also I realized Julia didn't get questioned at all. What's up with that?

What are your answers? Reblog them. I'm curious.

[mamadoc]

1, 2, 11, 20😊

1 - Talk about someone who changed your life.

Okay. I took far too long to think about this. Since we're all in a post 6x6 and TTPD era, here's a vulnerable, tortured answer.

I had a very close friend for several years. My husband and I were very close to her and her husband. Our kids were friends. We went to the same church, all loved to travel, had similar interests and tastes, had all lived internationally, went on double dates, etc. We even considered having them raise our kids if my husband and I both passed away. In sum, we were super close.

Then COVID hit. As a doctor COVID was difficult. I struggled a lot because I was taking care of sick patients. I recall one tearful day of talking to a pregnant mom who was about to be transferred to the ICU and was saying goodbye to her other children. It really wasn't safe or comfortable to go to work for a long time. I wasn't really dealing with it well, especially with the people around me treating it like it didn't matter. I was really depressed for the first time in my life.

This friend didn't understand that or if she did, she didn't care. So, when I said I wasn't interested in going out in public and having any type of birthday celebration for my birthday (who wants to celebrate turning 41 anyway?), she started attacking me on a personal level. I was already in a dark place and instead of being a good friend and supporting me, she just keep sending me hateful messages.

That was the first and only time in my life I considered suicide. I reached out for help and got it. I wasn't in that dark pit for a long time. I'm much better now. I mostly have my sister to thank for that.

I brought her flowers for Valentine's Day with an apology note a few weeks after that. She never apologized. I brought treats to her a few weeks after that with an apology note explaining why I felt so hurt. I tried to call to explain how I felt so that I could heal. She never answered the phone.

I'm still not sure what I have to apologize for or why she never seemed to accept or offer an apology. But that was two years ago. We still don't talk. Our husbands don't talk. Our kids don't play together anymore. For a long time, I didn't like going to church because I knew I'd have to see her.

Most of that is better now. I'm just sad for a lost friendship and for the dark place I had to crawl out of.

I've used a slight modification of her name for a character in one of my stories who betrayed Lucy. I thought that might be therapeutic, but it just brought the situation up to the surface again.

Uhhh... I can't believe I just wrote all of that. I'll try to keep the rest of the answers a bit lighter.

2 - Talk about something you really want to do.

I LOVE to travel. I've been to 47 states and 16 countries. My husband and I had all of our plans in place to get to all 50 states before we turned 40. Then COVID hit and all of our plans were dashed when travel shut down. We're going at a slower pace now, but we're getting close to it. #48 (NM) in October, #49 (HI) July 2025 as a 20th anniversary trip, and #50 (AK) the summer of 2026.

11 - Share something you're proud of.

According to AO3's stats, I've posted over 339k words since I started posting 7 months ago (plus another 9-10k chapter I hope to finish tonight). I know there are those that blow me out of the water (Ahem, ahem @girlintotv and @centralperkchenford) with their numbers, but I'm pretty proud of that as a first-time writer and working mom with 4 young kids.

20 - Share with us a random fact or two.

I'm afraid I've already overshared. *yikes* But here we go.

I'm the oldest of 6 kids. The first 4 of us are all 23 months apart, then 27 months apart, and 25 months apart. So, we're essentially every 2 years for 10 years with all of our birthdays clustered together. 3 boys and 3 girls.

I had the chicken pox for my eighth birthday. My grandparents came to visit for my birthday, but they were afraid of getting shingles. So, I had to stay in my bedroom on the second floor, and they stayed on the first floor for the whole time they were visiting. I still remember standing in the hallway near the dining room while they sang happy birthday. One of my siblings blew out the candles for me and my mom brought me a piece of cake in the hallway. (Man, I'm still rocking those depressing TTPD vibes, aren't I?) I was officially not contagious the day my mom came home from the hospital with baby #5 in our family, and I remember being so excited to be healthy enough to hold my baby brother.

Sheesh. Now you probably won't ever ask me anything again. Between TTPD, 6x6, and the angst I'm supposed to be writing right now, I'm coming up with some strange answers.

Sorry to be the Eeyore in the crowd. Thanks for asking me to play though.

Ask game

[z0m813]

average notes app entry;

I've been feeling a lot of everything lately. I couldn't describe it, though. Just that I feel like there's something inside of me that's missing, but I can never quite catch it. Every time I try to look, just get a glimpse, it's fleeting back further into the recesses of my heart. I've lived a lot of lives, it seems. Yet it all came and went so fast-- cowboy surgeon, laundromat receptionist, student, sister, bully, artist, poet, child, daughter. I was all of these at one point but not anymore. I have no title to fill. No destiny to follow. Hell, here I am, and a whole year has passed since I started living in the attic of my grandparents house. Failed prodigal son that couldn't stay away from his small town filled with queer bashing, god fearing, hateful folk who can't stand me and I them. As I write this, I'm driving the same route I've taken to work since October, a simple job at a hotel front desk. My heart is filled with something. But I'm stuck. It seems I've lived out my life already. What more is there to do when you've done everything? I no longer have that same adventurous spirit that filled me three years ago or two years ago. I'm trapped, a butterfly who flew too long and ended up stuck to an entomologist's pin board of insects. Leg. Wing. Antenna. All these bits and pieces plucked away. Now I'm 21, and Joan of Arc had already died before she reached my age, she let armies, I've been thinking a lot about her of late. And yet, what have I done? What will I do? I'm scared that the most interesting parts of me will be left in my teen years and I will slowly grow to resemble the jocks who got a cubicle job at some accounting firm but never took off that letterman jacket. Is there anything left for me to fill? I do not know the answers to these questions, but I hope I find them soon-- both for my sake, and for the people around me. I've not yet loved-- will I ever? Lately, I've come to find that I don't much care about people. They speak, they cry, they laugh, they dance. Yet I feel that all I do is simply a reaction. Is it all a mirror of those in front of me? Sometimes I fear I have no heart. But it's not really fear. Just something that is, something that always was. If it possible to feel all too much for myself and way too little for others? Perhaps it is I, human greed and selfishness perfected. When I was 8 years old sitting on the back of my father's truck, I recall thinking, is this it? That was the first time I realized there was something missing inside of me. Do I really exist, or is this just going through the motions? Am I a person? Or am I a husk, a hallow piece of skin and flesh and meat and bone? Sometimes I scare myself. What will ever make this go away? I have a pack of Newports I keep in the center dash. I've only smoked three. I never seem to find the time to smoke more. Not a true smoker heart I suppose, which is surprising, giving my family's long history addiction. It's unfortunate, really, wanting so bad for something to stifle that pained edge in your heart, but nothing doing the trick. Nothing really setting me at ease. I used to have to take 8 of my grandma's Xanax pills just to feel calm. Maybe that's still the happiest I've been. Even if it tore my family apart. There it is again, that familiar sense of self-importance, selfish self pity, searcher of desires and bringer of destruction. I cannibalize everyone around me until there is nothing left of both of us.

[kel-of-ulthar]

Death is dressed in colors blessed, a mystery I confess I cannot see

tw: grief, chronic illness, hallucinogens,

It's been a long time since I've been here. I admit that returning to tumblr at 32 (I left it at maybe 22) is a strange and somewhat alienating experience. I spent so very much time here, once, and poured energy into the content I created and the people who read it. Some people I thought were true friends--I don't speak to one of them anymore, not one.

So things have changed for me, since then. I left as I was beginning to experiment with hallucinogens. They cured my PTSD from a car crash that totaled my old Ford Focus station wagon and left me with dreams of people crushed by the nose of the Subaru that hit me. LSD removed the darkness from my heart, for a time. A primordial god raised himself out of the waters of the void, stripped me of my fears and consumed them. I know that can happen, but I don't know that the god would do me a favor a second time, and my fears have returned.

Since I've been here last, really been here with intention and purpose, I lost my father. He died in the spring, of a lung disease that was neither preventable nor curable. It inexorably turned his lungs into stone. Twenty-seven years after he had quit smoking, even put away his marijuana pipes, he died of a disease that can't even be conclusively linked to tobacco. Maybe it was, or maybe recurrent pneumonia scarred his lungs, or maybe a perfidious mycelium infected his alveoli, or maybe he was just pure unlucky. He died in April, when his lungs were no longer capable of oxygenating his smooth muscle, and his heart stopped.

He said to my Mom, who sat with her arms around him, "Oh God, I'm going now."

I think about that all the time.

Grief is a room you come to inhabit, when the right kind of loss strikes you. In my case, I had been only adjacent to loss for most of my life. My uncle and my great-aunt I knew poorly. My grandparents were so elderly that death came with a somber sort of sweetness, bitter only because they lived just slightly too long, and were made to hold out beyond what would have been kind. A friend of a friend at eighteen, another at twenty-three. The first, a teenager I didn't know well enough to weep for, the second a thirty-eight year old who was too young by far, but who was not close enough to have the weight of real love.

When you have real love and you lose it, it is a physical problem. I had heart palpitations. I cried with the change of the wind. I felt crushed under the weight of the loss and the weight of the knowledge of what happens after death. Before I left this place, I was thick as thieves with a lot of people who called themselves worshippers of death. I thought I understood it. I didn't.

It's been six months since I lost my dad. In those six months I have scraped the bottom of the barrel of despair, things I haven't felt or grappled with in a decade, things I thought I had conquered, or at least laid aside. But I face it daily now, the weight of the sorrow. And I'm coming to realize that the sorrow will sit now like a paperweight before me. It is something I can lift and rearrange, but ultimately it remains. Maybe I'm not brave enough to cast it aside? Like a cherished gift of someone I cannot speak to anymore, but one which is not physically useful to me. I can't throw it away, it would be like throwing away that person and the memories we shared. In some ways, I think that it is occasionally easier to exist in sorrow than it is to face the absence of it.

Once upon a time, a Mormon pastor told me and the rest of the mourners at a funeral that grief was a gift from God. At the time, I was disgusted. I looked at my friend of a friend, a jack Mormon who would have hated to see himself, dressed like a pioneer, with a white bonnet on his brow until the contents of his coffin turned to dust. I thought--I don't know him at all, but I know that he would hate to be dressed like this. I thought, how can you stand there and tell me that this pain and kindness and goodness exist in the same realm? How can they even exist at the same time?

But that pastor, deacon, whatever they call them in that cult, he was right. He doesn't have to see the full face or intention of God or Gods to be right about grief. Grief is a gift. Grief only exists in the proximity of love. If I did not love my father, it would not hurt like this. It might hurt differently, but it would not pierce me so deeply, like an ice pick driving a hole into the fabric of my soul. Grief is a gift, because grief is really just the memory of love. It is a nostalgia deeper than that for beloved childhood memories, the lost places of your youth or the fleeting touch of old dreams. It is, at its heart, the void left behind when true love departs. And it's impossible to know how that feels until it has happened to you. Two people who have suffered such a loss can see each other from across a room. Someone who has only lost tangentially, lost people who did not impact them or who they did not truly love, they can only know what this is like in conceptual way. So we, all of us, everyone who has suffered a loss that shook them, we live in this room called grief. We can come and go, we are not eternally tethered ever to it, but we can never leave it entirely. Not forever.

We looked at his pictures today, photos he had taken in the years leading to his death, all the many MANY memes he had saved. It was strange how sitting there, remembering, made it seem like he was not so far gone. Then, when I gathered my things and I got in the car to drive twenty miles back home, I could feel again that he was gone. Like air had swept back into a vacuum, there was a suddenness to the feeling that hurt my heart, made it hard to breathe.

Halfway home, the odometer rolled over to his lucky number.