#i know ive been saying ill start going regularly for like 6 months but it just wasnt feasible to get there via public transport after work

[phagodyke]

gym was soooo much fun. someone kick my ass on thursday to make me go out to the queer bouldering social after work 😡👊

my parents brought my bike up last time they visited and I'm only just taking her out for the first time today but god she's such a beauty..

[foolzstar]

fuck it, i said i would do it so here: why free range farms aren’t nearly as ethical as you think.

keep in mind that i am not an expert, however family rescued a bunch of chickens and have been keeping them for years, plus ive done research on what corperations do, as well as done research from the charity who we rescued these birds from, its not loads, but its definetly enough to compile a bunch of facts into a post just so that people can be more aware, but anyways:

1) free range hens only get to live around 18 months. this is because all farms care about is productivity, and a hens peak egg laying time is between 6-18 months in the standard conditions. some can lay every other day well into being three years old, but for the most part with the average hen, it starts to slow down around 18 months, and so unless the chickens are rescued, theyre killed on mass, usually by being gassed.

2) despite being free range, the conditions theyre kept in are still incredibly poor. hens are kept on mass, with anywhere from 50-200 hens per coop (or in the uk, barn, as due to the risk of avian flu, all free range hens have had to be kept in barns) the conditions, whilst not as bad as battery farms, are still not cleaned regularly enough, and due to the large flock sizes, many of the hens are forced to fight for food, leaving many of them malnurished, almost all of the hens that we rescued a few weeks ago were underweight, with one of them dying recently due to this.

As well as this, in order to lessen the chances of any of the hens escaping, almost all the hens have thier wings clipped so theyre unable to properly fly, and in some cases, the birds beaks also get clipped, and due to being kept in such large masses, many medical issues the birds my face go unnoticed, things like potential infections, deformities that could affect their wellbeing, or any illness are either ignored or have them killed for it because, same with the reasons their lifespans tend to be so short, it lessens productivity. 

3) flock sizes, whiilst i did mention them in the previous pont, flock sizes are technically be a whole factor on its own because of how it impacts the chickens behavior.

hens have this thing called a pecking order, a heriarchy that basically decided between the hens, whos number one depending on how strong they are. this determinds things like who gets to eat food first, who gets the nicest bedding, as well as who gets to be quite literally, pecked at the least. the pecking order is decided through a physical fight, the lower down on the pecking order a hen is, the more theyre picked on, feathers plucked out, open wounds, you name it. in smaller, more tame flocks, this tends to be alright, feather plucking is kept to a minimum because the fight for who gets the nicest thing is less dire. 

in the case of farmed hens, where hundreds of hens are fighting over who gets the most food, the fighting can get brutal, most of our hens came to us with missing festhers around their butts, necks, heads, even our healthiest bird, peach, still came with many of her feathers missing that we are trying to help grow back.

...

i understand that they may only be a few points, but theyre very major points that do affect chickens wellbeings on a large scale.

in no way am i saying to never eat an egg again, my family eats eggs almost every day (we’ve had to with the 3-4 eggs a day we have piling up in our kitchen) and being vegan isnt an option for most people, in most cases is actually more detrimental to the planet if you measure it by water consumption and food miles with how far things like soy beans, almonds and coconuts have, but i feel as though its important to be aware of the conditions that your food comes from, not to guilt you out of wanting to eat them, but to make you think of little things that you can do to make the demand for eggs from mass productions slightly less.

not everyone has the privalige to do so, i know that im incredibly lucky that the flat my family lives in has such open rules about pets and has such a large garden in the suburbs where conditions are great for raising hens, but if it is a possiblilty i really do recomend trying to do anything you can, no matter how small.

buy from local farms or from farmers markets, where the people selling their produce tend to do it on a much smaller scale than most corperations. adopt hens, chickens are actually amazing pets, that when raised properly make amazing companions, i could probably make an entire post for a guide to raising chickens going through all the different breeds, how much space they need, eggs, life spans, the works, i may be a ninjago fan account but i could definetly be a chicken blog if given the oppertunity.

the saying peta likes to shove down our throats that theres “no such thing as an ethical egg” is bullshit, and, corperations are to blame for most of climate change and the harm that is done to animals, but small acts done by everyone can still make a difference

[ilikemilkbread]

i was thinking for a long while about whether there would be any purpose to me making a "goodbye" post here, considering i barely talk to anyone here anymore nor have i really had anyone i used to talk to reach out to me

but. i kinda want to. just to use tumblr to talk about myself for one last time. and say that final goodbye. except not final lmao

its been 6 months since the last time i reblogged a post. which is weird to think about. its been longer since i was actually active here. its been longer since i last talked to a mutual. oops. i still definitely value the people ive met here, but... i just stopped using this site. its hard to talk to people if you arent using the same platforms for communication

to a big block of text that may actually comment on things:

im doing a lot better now.

across a lot of my time on tumblr, i think ive come across as an often vitriolic person. i most likely was a vitriolic person. i spent ALL of my teenage years on this site, and my teenage years were some of my outright worst. i used tumblr as an escape from that, but i allowed my emotions to spill across. i talked negatively about things often (because i couldnt vent to people in real life). i often outright criticised things i knew my mutuals liked. i would be dismissive and negative about topics for the sole reason of hoping that it would be enough to make a mutual unfollow me. i gained some sort of sick validation from that feeling. its weird to think about. its weird to know how much i cared about these interactions with people i barely knew

lately, ive moved away from online spaces. a bit. ive probably spent way too much of my time on youtube watching study content and fucking discrete mathematics guides lmao. but ive done less doom scrolling. i dont really know what shows are popular anymore, and im fine with that

the biggest change that helped me, i think, was finding other queer people. my university has a queer collective. ive never been more blessed to know such people

i also met my beautiful boyfriend there.

university has treated me kindly. now that were back in-person, ive been thriving. my current units are... something, but i find computer science as a whole thrilling. ive had the opportunity to interview for some related roles (mainly lvl 1 helpdesk lmao) and its been an overall fascinating experience (yes im still a first year shhhh)

with the assistance of a friend, ive found a nearby clinic that does hrt currently accepting new patients. if you know the state of trans healthcare within australia, finding a place accepting new patients is HARD. i am endlessly grateful to my friend for informing me of the clinics status. ideally, ill be starting hrt soon

but. mostly, ive come so much further than i thought i ever could. im out in a small community, and im going by my chosen name in many circles. ive cut my hair off. i have a boyfriend who is part of the queer community himself (though cis) who accepts me. i NEVER thought i would have this opportunity pre-transition.

and my queer friends i have found in life. there is beauty in community. i care so much about all of them. i didnt realise how lonely and isolated i was, as a trans person not knowing any other queer people.

my life has changed for the better. this post exists solely so i can ramble about that.

im probably not going to delete my tumblr. its still too useful for when i need to find certain things from my past. but i wont post regularly ever again.

maybe ill do another long ramble-post if something important happens in the future.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[scribble-skull-rat]

literally all of the make the admit questions you are comfortable answering

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

Yeah

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

I talk to them on a daily basis

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

Sort of

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

Yeah

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

I haven't hung out with anyone, social distancing my duce

6. What are you excited for?

Seeing my boyfriend

7. What happened tonight?

I watched revolting rhymes with my mom

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

Eh idc

9. Is confidence cute?

Yes

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

2, 3 if you count you

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

I did

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

Stay in and cry because i havent gotten over losing my cats and grandpa

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Nothing, im broke

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

Not anymore

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Probably not but ill try

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Ehh no one

18. The last time you felt broken?

Litteraly 10 minutes ago

19. Have you had sex today?

I wish

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

Yeah, im a piece of shit

21. Are you in a good mood?

Im never in a good mood to be fair

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

Yeah

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

His are black and mine are blue so, no

24. What do you want right this second?

Idk

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

Platonicly? Nothing idgaf. Romantically? Id cry

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Yeah

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Yeah

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

A stupid thing in a discord chat

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

.....yeah..

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

Depends

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

Nah, hes really nice. I think I've told you about him, his names noah

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

Yeah it'd be a bit hard for us to be dating if he didn't

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

I rarely do

34. Listening to?

A mix of lofi and depressed music along with the song my boyfriend sent me

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

Usually i do

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

Yeah, Oregon

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sort of?

38. Who did you last call?

Noah

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

I dont dance unless you count tiktok dances

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

Peer pressure

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

Idk

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

I hugged my mom so yeah

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

Yeah

44. Do you tan in the nude?

I dont tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Yeah, it was awkward and we both hated it

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Nah

47. Who was the last person to call you?

Noah

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car?

Not really since we dont have a car

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yeah, my sister used to teach me

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Ive never had my portrait taken

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Eh idc

53. Is Christmas stressful?

Sometimes

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

A w h a t

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

Apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Marine biologist, still do

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Sometimes

59. Take a vitamin daily?

Nah

60. Wear slippers?

Nope

61. Wear a bath robe?

Dont have one

62. What do you wear to bed?

A t-shirt and pj pants, or shorts

63. First concert?

Never been to one

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Wal-mart

65. Nike or Adidas?

Im poor so neither

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Both

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

None

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Uhh calm down i guess

69. Ever take dance lessons?

Nah

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

I dont really care what job my spouse has

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Yeah

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Ive never done a spelling bee

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

I dont think so

74. What is your favorite book?

Reckless

75. Do you study better with or without music?

Idk

76. Regularly burn incense?

Nope

77. Ever been in love?

Yeah

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Cavetown

79. What was the last concert you saw?

I've never been to a concert

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Warm tea

81. Tea or coffee?

Red tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?

Oreo

83. Can you swim well?

Eh yeah

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yeah? Do people do that?

85. Are you patient?

Sometimes

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

DJ

87. Ever won a contest?

Once and i fucked up by not responding in time

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

No

89. Which are better black or green olives?

Idc

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

Have fun and use protection

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room

92. Do you want to get married

Ehh sort of

[secretsideofme95]

This Is My Story!

So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.

I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.

Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.

In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.

Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15. 

When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.

I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.

So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.

i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.

This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve. 

Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.

My family,  that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.

my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day. 

my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.

My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..

my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.

i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.

so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore,  nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that. 

i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,

i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late. 

my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do. 

everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.

I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.

im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ... 

But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...

[grasslandgirl]

bookstore, knitting, and cozy for the cozy asks!!!

jj ILY and im SO SORRY im only JUST getting to this sbfjks im terrible!!!!!!

OK SO

bookstore: favorite childhood book?

hm. i guess this depends on like what u qualify as childhood book?? ill give three from three different eras of Childhood

Goodnight Moon, Margaret Wise Brown- this was the baby book my parents read to me almost nightly when i was a baby, and my mom can probably recite it by memory at this point..... its so sweet and gentle

Nate the Great Saves the King of Sweden, Marjorie Weinman Sharmat, Marc Simont: I counted this as my first “real chapter book” that I read by myself as a kid, and as such was my self professed favorite book for many years on sentimentality alone. I don’t remember much of the plot anymore, but to the best of my recollection it was about a young aspiring detective (Nate) who happened to discover the king of Sweden hidden in a basement cupboard at his friend’s after she gets back from vacation.......... or something

The Last Olympian, Rick Riordan: to absolutely no one’s surprise, i was a HUGE percy jackson stan in elementary and middle school, and this (the fifth and final book in the percy jackson and the olympians series) held and will always hold a special place in my heart. that being said, I’m due for an all encompassing reread of a like 15 book series. most of which i already own. I have no shame.

knitting: what’s a hobby that you would like to start?

tbh not to be ironic but i’d love to learn how to knit- it seems to practical and fun and relaxing and i really love scarves and sweaters and gloves SO

but also i REALLY want to learn to play a musical instrument; ideally and predictably guitar, piano, ukulele, or drums 

uhhh i did martial arts for like 6 years in middle/high school and kind of miss that though im REALLY out of practice

and the sentimental artist in me loves ballet and misses it from when i danced when i was like 8 but like... that’s never going to happen so

cozy: favorite gift you’ve ever received?

hm. 

a target basket

ok story time bkdjvbkfjvb

so i did theatre in high school- like a LOT of theatre- and the theatre teacher/ artistic director/ director of shows was, as most theater teachers are, Quirky. 

one of her (many) quirks was that she would carry all of her things everyday in a Harris Teeter grocery basket (for the followers who aren’t from south eastern USA/ areas where harris teeters don’t exist- they’re pretty standard grocery stores (owned by Kroger now) and the baskets are the green rectangular plastic ones youre supposed to use in the store if you’re only picking up a few items, but you’re NOT supposed to bring home) 

but yeah she carried all her shit in a plastic basket- her purse, keys, water bottle, laptop, food, script, etc. Everything!! and there were always a couple other baskets floating around the classroom and the auditorium- especially during a show- that had scripts and other assorted shit stored in them. it was just a staple of life in the department and no one knew WHY she had them or why she used them or how she got them. it just was

so my senior year roles around and as a senior theatre student im lucky enough to get the opportunity to assistant direct our spring musical- the sound of music!- alongside my teacher, the chorus teacher, and another student (PLEASE dm me about questions about this, it was one of the best experiences of my life and i will literally never shut up about it if given the chance) 

and about halfway through rehearsals, a friend of mine (we’ll call her Sarah for anonymity’s sake) joked that i was acting like a mini version of our teacher; which, while accurate, was annoying in the way it is when someone say’s youre acting like your mom. like “yeah OK fine!! you dont have to Say It” bc in a lot of ways our theatre teacher was like our school mom. in the good ways and the bad ways. 

and so Sarah joked that i was just like her, and all i was missing was her infamous basket

and i swear i saw the idea enter her brain

Sarah: I’m going to steal you a harris teeter basket for closing night gifts*!!

me: wtf no don’t do that

s: yes only no i know i’ll steal you a TARGET one bc youre a CLASSY bitch

m: literally Do Not steal me a basket

s: too bad!!!

[*- closing night gifts are when designers/technicians/stage managers get gifts for the production team (directors, musical director, SMs, etc) as a Thank You gift, Sarah took them Incredibly Seriously]

so flash forward like another month, and it’s closing night of the show, and im emo af and trying not to show it, bc im a senior and this show was my baby in a lot of ways, and this was the last show i was going to be working in the auditorium at my school, like, ever, and it was the last show i would ever work with a lot of my friends, so yeah. so, obviously, i was running around backstage like a chicken with it’s head cut off, putting out fires and trying to be useful

and it’s like an hour, maybe, before the show starts and Sarah walks into the green room (a room backstage where actors stay when they’re not in the dressing rooms/ backstage/ onstage, and bc its an hour before closing night, its a mad house) 

and im talking to somebody in the greenroom, and at this point i haven’t forgotten her threat that she was going to steal me a basket, but we haven’t talked about it since the original discussion, and ive been hoping that SHE’S forgotten about it. and so bc im working and talking to someone, at first i don’t really see Sarah come in, i notice her out of the corner of my eye, and i don’t really realize what i see at first, and then my head whips around and there she is.

grinning all smug like the cat that ate the canary.

and she’s holding a target basket, of course.

and at that point its all too much and like a combination of the love i have for the show and all the grief that it’s ending and like im so Touched that she put in the thought and work and energy to get me this gift and im also like irritated just a little bc i told her Not To and OF COURSE she does it anyway and as a combination of everything i just kind of crumple to the ground in a combination of laughing and crying and i dont even know which im doing or which i did first 

and im sure half the cast thought i lost my fucking mind bc i was just kneeling on the greenroom floor like cradling a target basket and laughing hysterically and sobbing

and then we had to do the show!

but all jokes aside, it’s surprisingly functional and useful and i use it pretty regularly

and as a bonus people are always confused by it bc im carrying around a target basket in random places, so that’s a bonus

jj ilysm thank for the ask im sorry this was an ESSAY

send me a cozy ask!!

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[pneumonyeah]

2, 4, 8, 9, 11, 13, 17, 20, 23, and 24 for Beckett, Luca, and of course Loghan and Benson ❤❤

2. What’s the sickest they’ve ever been?

Beckett: He had Pneumonia and Bronchitis at the same time and was in the hospital for over two weeks because it just was not getting better. He usually ends up with pneumonia every year because his lungs are shit, but nothing tops that one. Luca: He had appendicitis when he was in high school, and it burst and spread in his abdomen. He was in the hospital for several days receiving antibiotics to clear up the infection.Loghan: Definitely when she had Strep Throat that didn’t respond to the antibiotics, and ended up spreading into her sinuses and ears 🤭Benson: He takes pretty good care of himself when he is sick, or tries to. He got the flu one year, and because he laid around and rested so much, he ended up developing Pneumonia because everything just settled into his lungs.

4. Are they easy to take care of?

Beckett: It depends on how horrible he feels, and who is taking care of him. He can become delirious if his fever is too high, and then he tries to fight everything. Usually, he just wants to cuddle and hates taking medicine and having his temperature taken. He just wants to sleep and not be bothered.Luca: He will deny being sick up to the point of passing out. He will fight e v e r y t h i n g. It does not matter what is being offered, whether it be tissues or Tylenol or even a blanket if he has chills. He is always “fine”. It drives Beckett crazy. Eventually he will just pass out on the couch and Beckett can drape a blanket over him and use the ear thermometer to check his temp without waking him. Loghan: Absolutely not. She denies sickness, but not as much as Luca. She does not want to be held back and does not want to get behind on school work. She worries about paying bills and will do her best not to miss work. Keeping her in bed to rest is difficult to say the least. If she feels crappy enough, she is easier to take care of, but that’s when Benson starts to worry. Benson: He is pretty easy. He takes his medicine and rests when he is supposed to. He worried about getting Loghan sick and tries to keep her away from him, which she refuses to do. 

8. How do they feel about doctors/hospital?

Beckett: He sees a doctor regularly, and is in the hospital at least once a year with either pneumonia or a bad asthma attack. He is around them enough to not really be bothered, but he still doesn’t like them.Luca: He hates them, it reminds him of when he was in one for appendicitis. He did not have a very good experience and is also terrified of needles. Being poked several times for lab draws and IVs has scarred him of hospitals. Loghan: She hates being in a hospital, mostly because she knows how expensive they are. She hates the needles and the meds as well. She does not mind going to the doctor’s office though. Benson: He is indifferent to them.

9. Do they usually get sweats or chills when sick?

Beckett: Chills, for sure!Luca: Usually sweats, but he will get chills if the fever is mildLoghan: ChillsBenson: A mixture of both, which is very annoying

11. How do they cope with being sick if they’re alone?

Beckett: Not very well. See next question for a better explanation.Luca: Since he pretends he is 100% healthy, he does fine 😅Loghan: She is used to it, so she handles it fine. Only problem is she does not take care of herself when she is sick. She needs someone to take care of her, so when she is alone, she continues to work herself into the ground until its impossible to keep going. Benson: He tries his best to care for himself, but he gets homesick and just wants to cuddle. Eventually, he ends up just falling asleep.

13. Do they get emotional when sick?

Beckett: Very. He misses his grandma taking care of him, since she always has since he was two years old. He gets emotional thinking about her and just wishes she could come back home and live with him again. Luca: Nope.Loghan: Sometimes, depending on how high her fever is. She wants to be held and feel safe, and sometimes panics if Benson is not there. Benson: Not really.

17. How is their immune system?

Beckett: Absolute S H I T. He is on a steroid inhaler, which compromises his immune system. He is also susceptible to respiratory infections. Luca: Superb. He gets sick maybe one every couple years.Loghan: Crappy. She spent a lot of time malnourished and neglected. She did not receive the proper nutrition growing up and did not receive all her vaccine boosters. Pretty much any vaccines she would have received from 6 months, she did not get due to her father’s abusive behavior. As a result, her immune system did not mature as it should have, and she is frequently catching colds and flus, which can quickly turn into pneumonia if it is not taken care of fast enough.Benson: He has worked in Healthcare for several years, and his father is a doctor. He has been around the medical setting for so long, his immune system is pretty strong. He still catches the occasional cold, and even less frequently the flu.

20. Are there any tell-tale signs that they’re feeling unwell?

Beckett: He becomes clumsy and absent-minded when something is settling in. Simple tasks becomes a challenge.Luca: He becomes very grumpy and snappy. He is usually a pretty relaxed guy, but when he is not being well, he gets frustrated much more easily.Loghan: She sleeps a lot more. She will be asleep by 8pm and will sleep in until 11 or noon if an alarm does not wake her up. Her head starts to become fuzzy and she will usually develop a headache the night before something hits her.Benson: His voices gets raspy and he becomes more clingy. He wants to cuddle more.

23. Do they admit they’re injured/ill easily?

Beckett: He tends to hide when he is sick, even when he really shouldn’t. He knows he shouldn’t, but he gets sick so often, he feels like it’s a burden on everything. If he is injured though, he immediately says something. He is a huge baby with pain 😂Luca: Sick, absolutely not. Injured, it depends on how bad it is.Loghan: No to both 😅Benson: Sick, yes. He will try to sleep it off, but when that doesn’t work, he admits to it and wants to be held.

24. Do they sleep too much or too little when sick?

Beckett: Too much. He tends to doze on and off throughout the whole day, becoming incoherent when he wakes up.Luca: Too little, because he will not rest.Loghan: Yes, she will sleep 12-14 hours at night if given the chance. Benson: An average amount. It depends on his symptoms. Low fevers drain him and he sleeps for hours at a time. High fever make him delirious, and keep him awake because of the delusions (he thought aliens were going to invade and covered the apartment in tin foil in Winter Chills 😅)

[la-anarchy]

1-92 😏😏

well fuck me anon lmao thanks guess ill get to it hahahah

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? - ugh yea fuck it i prob would

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? - nope i did not

3. Have you taken someones virginity? - I have

4. Is trust a big issue for you? - It is

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? -nope

6. What are you excited for? - country fest on july 5th

7. What happened tonight? - went to my friends and played with his baby daughter

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? - not if its not an every day thing

9. Is confidence cute? - of course

10. What is the last beverage you had? - whiskey and coke

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?- honestly not many

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? - lmao nah

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? - ummm im not sure really prob gym and drink

14. What are you going to spend money on next? - um gas

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? - lmao no (also havent kissed anyone in months)

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? - I mean i guess so probably

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? - my best friend kinda

18. The last time you felt broken? - about a week ago

19. Have you had sex today? - nope its been almost 10 months

20. Are you starting to realize anything? - oh yea

21. Are you in a good mood? - I am

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? - sure fuck it

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? - yes

24. What do you want right this second? - i could go for some cuddles or rough sex.. both ?

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? - i dont know honestly

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? - yes

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? - no i dont think so

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? - my friends baby

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? - always

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? - maybe not in the way they always want

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? - na hes a good friend now

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? - yea id say so

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? - no but i try to not drink it

34. Listening to? - king of the hill

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?- yes

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?- i have a good idea

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? - no

38. Who did you last call? - my best friend

39. Who was the last person you danced with? - my ex

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? - we broke up and it was like a good bye kiss 

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? - i really dont know lol

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? - yes

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? - probably

44. Do you tan in the nude? - sometimes

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? -like as in not kiss the person, no i wouldnt take it back

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? - nope

47. Who was the last person to call you? - my friend

48. Do you sing in the shower? - every time

49. Do you dance in the car? - hell yea

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? - yurp

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - the Marine Corps ball52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? - nah

53. Is Christmas stressful? - hahha yea

54. Ever eat a pierogi? - yes?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? - peach or blueberry56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? -actor, doctor, teach, Marine, cop

57. Do you believe in ghosts? - yea i think i do

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - yea i used to a lot when i was a kid

59. Take a vitamin daily? - nope

60. Wear slippers? - only during the winter

61. Wear a bath robe? - i used to

62. What do you wear to bed? during the summer just boxers but in the winter pj pants and a Tee

63. First concert? - Brittany Spears lmao

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - wal-mart or target

65. Nike or Adidas? - ariat lamo but i guess nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? - cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - peanuts

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? - ummmm idk the name of it but i did like one of her old “country” songs

69. Ever take dance lessons? - not professional but i did take a few line dancing ones and my ex was a dance teacher and she tried to teach me some moves

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?- i wanna become a cop now that ive already become a Marine

71. Can you curl your tongue? - yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee? - once i was 5

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - yes

74. What is your favorite book? - um i have a lot of favorites

75. Do you study better with or without music? - without

76. Regularly burn incense? - candles sometimes

77. Ever been in love? - yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? - i really wanna see luke combs and upchurch haha

79. What was the last concert you saw? -ummmm i think it was FLGAL

80. Hot tea or cold tea? - cold

81. Tea or coffee? - coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie? - chocolate chip or peanut butter

83. Can you swim well? - yes

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - yes

85. Are you patient? - sure haha

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? - DJ

87. Ever won a contest? - yes

88. Ever have plastic surgery? - no

89. Which are better black or green olives?- black

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? - all the sex

91. Best room for a fireplace? - family room, basement, or if you got a big ass bedroom

92. Do you want to get married? - very much so

[nicoleflanagan]

WEEK 1-Intro & Pain Medication

So, I tried to include all the treatments and my experiences all in one blog post but I’d already written 4 full pages on Microsoft Word before I realized I had barely got through one type of treatment. In result of this I have decided to do this blog as a series and post about each treatment separately.

When I was first diagnosed with endometriosis, I wasn’t given much information about what happens next. My doctor basically told me that he had fixed me and he sent me on my way! I never knew any better and I honestly thought that was the case because I was pain free for around 6 months after my laparoscopy. What happened next though, wasn’t what I expected at all. The pain had returned to what it was before my surgery and I was confused because my gynaecologist told me I was better.

I went back to the doctors with my symptoms and they informed me that endometriosis has no cure and that I was misinformed. This was a shock to me but my GP surgery were very supportive and explained to me that there are other treatments available that don’t involve surgery and the next step is to find ways to manage my symptoms so that I can try and live my life.

I want to write this blog series to talk about the treatments available for managing symptoms of endometriosis and I’ll discuss with you all what I’ve tried over the years, what’s worked for me and what hasn’t. I also want to mention that every woman with this disease is different. What might work for me, may not work for you and vice versa. Further on, I’m not a doctor and everything in the post is my own views, opinions and feelings. Any facts or anything that may pop up throughout the posts will be linked so you know where my information from. Also, if there is something you have tried that I haven’t, I would love for you to comment and tell me about your experiences!

One of the posts in this series will also be about common myths surrounding endometriosis treatment. These myths are so frustrating to me so it is something I really want to cover.

Whilst writing this blog post I went onto Endometriosis UK’s website to see what information they provide about treatments for endometriosis and they mention three treatment options for endometriosis which are:

Surgery

Hormone treatment

Pain relief.

If you follow the link down below, there is also an option to download a treatment pack from their website which has more detailed information regarding this subject. I found this pack helpful during my journey with endometriosis so I thought it would be good to mention it here! I find Endometriosis UK to be a great place to seek support and find information about this horrible illness that so many of us deal with. I’ve included a screenshot of this down below.

credit and link to this page is: https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/endometriosis-treatment

For the first post, I really want to talk about pain medications. I have tried a fair few over the years including anti-inflammatory medications and opioids. I have decided to split them into 2 bullet points so I can talk about each kind of medication in detail. I’m not claiming to be a doctor of any sorts but I’ve always found it helpful hearing other peoples experiences when weighing up my own options for treatments.

NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs)

Anti-inflammatory tablets are the first thing that doctors gave me when I approached them about the severity of my symptoms when I was a teenager. They told me that I just had bad period pain and sent me on my way! I hate that it took me so long for any doctor to take me seriously, but at the same time I’m thankful they prescribed me anything because I’ve heard from many women whose doctors won’t give them anything to try manage their pain.

I have tried everything from behind the counter ibuprofen to naproxen, diclofenac, high dosage ibuprofen and mefenamic acid. I never really had a pleasant experience with these drugs because my body just didn’t agree with them. They all gave me a really upset stomach and with mefenamic acid my heart rate became fast and I just felt like I couldn’t breathe, so my doctor made the decision to take me off these. Despite all the negatives though, the stronger anti-inflammatory drugs, mixed with my opioid medication did take the edge off my pain. It’s just unfortunate that my body didn’t like them.

Opioids 

When I was younger, the doctor would tell me to take ibuprofen and paracetamol but because my pain was so bad, I used to overdose on paracetamol all the time because they just weren’t touching my pain (I obviously don’t recommend this at all but I just want to be as open and honest as I can). Eventually my doctor prescribed me stronger pain relief because It was getting to the point I would pass out, vomit and end up in A&E on a regular basis. First, I tried co-codamol 30/500mg which I still take to this day. At first this pain medication would make me drowsy and I would just want to sleep, but the more regularly I took them my body learned to tolerate them. When I was 17 or 18 years old they really helped my pain but now they only really help on my “low pain days”. I am currently in the process of weaning off these because being on them for so long has resulted in them not working for me anymore. Another opioid I have tried was Tramadol. This for me, was the worst medication I have ever put in my body. Whilst I was taking it, I experienced the worst side effects. I was hallucinating and I remember sleeping for almost a week straight, only waking up for food and the toilet. Now I know the leaflet that comes with medications explains everything about them but It would have been nice to get a heads up from my doctor about possible effects and also the horrendous withdrawal symptoms that you can get when you stop taking them. Coming off, of these was a nightmare. I had nausea for almost a week and I became really shaky. Since then, I just stuck to the co-codamol because it felt horrible and I refuse to ever touch them again. I am, however, trying a new opioid called buprenorphine (BuTrans patches). I only use these when the pain is at its worst because I don’t want to get any withdrawal symptoms when I take the patch off. So far, the BuTrans patches have helped. I take them alongside my co-codamol and it seems to help my pain enough that I don’t have to sit down A&E for hours every time I have a flare-up. Although it helps my pain, it’s not without side-effects. For example, whenever I have a patch on I do sleep a lot and whenever I try and get out of bed I become extremely dizzy and struggle with brain fog. I notice with these drugs, the side-effects can be just as bad as the pain and It can quickly become a vicious circle. I would advise to follow directions from your doctor and decide whether the advantages outweigh the risks. Everyone has different experiences with medications and for me, I would rather feel sleepy and dizzy than be in excruciating pain. I am very careful and only use these if I have exhausted all the options available to me at the time.

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Current Medication: Co-codamol 30/500mg

Current Pain Medication: BuTrans Patch

The only other opioid that I have had is morphine through an IV.  This was whenever I went to A&E or for pain relief after my surgeries.

I want to add that I would rather NOT be taking opioids and I do have my medications reviewed regularly by my GP. I take these medications because The pain I experience everyday is that bad. Most of the time the co-codamol I take barely touches the pain and I’m sometimes left doubled over on the floor or in bed, in tears, begging for someone to help me. Sometimes I even wish to myself that I could just die because I can’t take the pain anymore. Taking medications to try and manage pain doesn’t make you weak. I want to make sure people reading this knows that. Sometimes you do what you have to, in order to live any sort of life! I also want to add that I don’t just automatically head for my pain medications, I have a ritual that I go through as soon as I feel a flare coming. Pain medication alone doesn’t get me through, I try everything else I can to try and ease my pain. I’ll talk more about that in another post throughout this series!

I want to say thank-you, not only for reading this post but because you managed to keep reading all the way down to here and you are a hero! If you didn’t then I don’t blame you because this post is long and I’m really sorry about that. I seem to suffer from ‘word vomit’, where once I start talking, I can’t stop! I promise that this is the longest one of the series and the next ones will be much shorter.

Like I said somewhere near the top, please comment and let me know what experiences you have had with endometriosis treatments and pain medications, I would love to hear from you.

The next post will be about laparoscopic surgery and it will be posted really soon!

    Endometriosis Treatments Series. WEEK 1-Intro & Pain Medication So, I tried to include all the treatments and my experiences all in one blog post but I'd already written 4 full pages on Microsoft Word before I realized I had barely got through one type of treatment.

[mochabeesnuts]

For the ting (go skkrrrrrat) thing. All of them

*yells* Da ting go skkkkrrrraaa, papakakaka Skivipipopop and a poopooturrrboom Skrra, tutukukututoom, poompoom

1. selfie

HNNNG OK UH. UGH. HRM. FINE. A;JKFG

hnnng asdfj;klad aNYWAYS

2. what would you name your future kids?

im not sure honestly, i feel like its one of those things where i have to meet them first. and honestly i dont think about it too much because i plan on adopting so chances are they’ll be old enough to already have a name. idk, im not picky about age. i feel like its going to be one of those things were i’ll just. know which kid needs me and that will be that.

3. do you miss anyone?

mm i miss my dogs at home. but i get to visit soon so!

4. what are you looking forward to?

im looking forward to january and seeing my friend. im also looking forward to next semester and getting a fresh start. also the possibility of getting a cat soon

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

heheh yeah there is

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

y.u.p. jesus fuck

7. what was your life like last year?

um. it was hard. and painful. but it was a learning experience and i think im stronger for it

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

yes

9. who did you last see in person?

uhh i saw my roomie like a half hour ago when i was walking home

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

i used to be a fucking master at it. cant tell if i miss that skill or not

11. are you listening to music right now?

yup! trying to find some new songs to listen to regularly

12. what is something you want right now?

i dont know actually

13. how do you feel right now?

i feel... mm i feel kinda peaceful. i feel like a lot of weight has been taken off of my shoulders but i still have so much on my plate. but i have a clearer mind to work on those things now so it’s a start

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

umm i got a hug from my dad on friday. if dad doesnt count then um.. hm... *squints* a long time

15. personality description

passionate. when i feel something i feel it strongly. whether its good or bad its fucking there and i almost always act on it. i dont hesitate but i try to be as considerate as possible. i try to be a people pleaser. and im also very determined. heheh, look at that i managed not to make that negative, kinda happy with that tbh.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't?

yes, just once i think. i told someone it was ok that they were leaving me and that it was ok they were breaking my heart instead of telling them how i actually felt. i wanted to say it, but i knew that making them feel worse for it wouldnt do either of us any good. so i kept my feelings to myself.

17. opinion on insecurities.

we all have them. a lot of them. and they overwhelm even the best of us at times. whether we choose to or not we wear them on our sleeves and theyre one of the hardest things to fight against because our greatest and strongest enemy is ourselves. being your own greatest friend is fucking hard, and insecurities play a large role in that.

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago?

no. i dont. i was sad and lonely. i didnt feel like i belonged anywhere. but thats not true anymore, and id never want to go back to that.

19. have you ever been to New York?

nope!

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

i have a few songs that i love a lot rn but mmm i can put down the one that i relate to a lot today? Machine by misterwives is a big mood for me rn and its nice the other hella big mood and this one has been putting the biggest smile on my face is salt by bad suns

21. age and birthday?

18 about to turn 19! my bday is november 30th :D

22. description of crush.

theyre human. they work hard and theyre passionate about what they love. a complete and utter dork that gets excited and can go on an on about what they find interesting and i can honestly listen to it all day. theyre sweet and silly and creative and smart as hell. theyve been there for me through so fucking much and we’ve both hit our low points and shown darker sides of ourselves but despite that we’re both still here yknow? and that, idk that means something to me. because anyone can stick around through the bright and beautiful stuff, the easy parts. but it takes someone special to be there and still just, want to be in your life even when shit hits rock bottom.

23. fear(s)

im honestly not sure. i never really have been.. i mean.. hm. idk. spiders maybe. but lately theyve bugged me less. usually instead of freaking out if i see spiders or bugs now i just help them get outside so i dont think that counts anymore.. idk. im sure im afraid of something, everyone is. i just.. dont really know what it is. one of my friends said i may be afraid of the unknown which is possible. *Shrugs*

24. height

5 ft 9 in!

25. role model

dont really have one

26. idol(s)

nani the fuck this is the same question

27. things i hate

i HATE people that treat customer services like shit. i hate lying and i hate high school drama(tm). i also hate eggplants.

28. i'll love you if...

you be yourself

29. favourite film(s)

the chronicles of naria, httyd 1 and 2, little mermaid, anastasia, inkheart

30. favourite tv show(s)

how i met your mother, stranger things, kekkai sensen, your lie in april, brooklyn 99, firefly, voltron

31. 3 random facts

1. ive jumped off a cliff

2. jellyfish can produce asexually as well as sexually. they can clone themselves!

3. mitochondria is still the powerhouse of the cell

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

girls

33. something you want to learn

i want to learn more about marine biology, i miss it

34. most embarrassing moment

mm wasnt the most embarrassing and it was actually kinda funny but its recent-ish so.

last year in instrumental rep class we were at the concert hall and this pianist was playing for us on stage, pro and fancy from out of country and everything. and i hadnt been getting much sleep so when she started playing all this slow and pretty music i passed tf out. problem was. i was sitting in front of my entire class/all my friends. and apparently just as she finished a song i started laughing in my sleep just like a mumbly “heheheh” but it was deadass quiet so EVERYONE heard it. and when someone nudged me awake like, everyone was looking at me but i didnt know why. and i went the entire fucking class not knowing it had happened and it wasnt until after the class ended and the performer got off stage that everyone burst out laughing and told me what happened. they fucking called me chuckles for a week lmao

35. favourite subject

music, photography, english, marine biology

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

1. i want to be successful enough that i can repay my parents for everything theyve done for me

2. i want to be the composer for a big name film

3. its.. dumb but i just really want to be in a happy relationship. a real one. its probably not the best thing to want as a dream but ill be real, ive been in love with the idea of love ever since i was a kid and that never really went away, just my chances in believing it’s something that will happen in my life.

37. favourite actor/actress

hmm i probably have one but its not coming to mind

38. favourite comedian(s)

kevin hart

39. favourite sport(s)

i love watching ice skating, love participating in swimming. used to do it competitively

40. favourite memory

ahh its hard to pick one plus this feels a bit personal!

41. relationship status

single as a pringle.. which doesnt make sense because pringles come in packs but it rhymes so fight me ok

42. favourite book(s)

inkheart, chronicles of narnia, my sister’s keeper

43. favourite song ever

what’s up by 4 non blondes, also 7 layers by dotan

44. age you get mistaken for

early 20s

45. how you found out about your idol

bruh

46. what my last text message says

hnnng its “Good night, I love you mom!” sdfj;lkgsd

47. turn ons

ive answered this a few times before

48. turn offs

ive answered this a few times before

49. where i want to be right now

mmm, im happy where i am for now i think.

50. favourite picture of your idol

ffs

51. starsign

Sagittarius 

52. something i'm talented at

music, photography

53. 5 things that make me happy

1. my friends

2. my plushie/soft things

3. music

4. rain

5. the fact that each new day is a chance for something new. idk why but that fact has just made me feel better a lot

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

my friends. theyre all going through a lot and i want to help but i can only do so much

55. tumblr friends

you know who you are bbs

56. favourite food(s)

this is always strangely hard for me to answer. theres an udon place back at home though that i can safely say is my fav.

57. favourite animal(s)

jellyfish, dolphins, dogs, cats, sea turtles, jorunna parva (sea bunnies), dragons

58. description of my best friend

i have a couple. both are kind and passionate as fuck. theyve been there for me through thick and thin and i wouldnt trade them for the world. theyre also going through so much fucking shit rn and i want to be there for them as much as i can

59. why i joined tumblr

because all my homestuck trash friends had one and convinced me to make one. i didnt know wtf to do on this hellsite for a solid 4 months

60. ask me anything you want

you gotta ask me anything you want my dude lmao, just pop into my inbox with whatever question you want to ask and i’ll answer it honestly

[seattlegrace-rpg]

Welcome to the group as OC Thomas Jr. “Tas” Evan Oneeri, Sam! Please create and send in your account within 24 hours! Looking forward to RPing with you! 

OOC INFO: Name: Samantha(I go by Sam) Preferred pronouns: she/her Age: 24 Location/Time zone: Oklahoma, USA/Central Time Zone Expected amount of activity:  Sun-Fri after 11AM to around 1AM Sat from 11AM to 5PM Role play experience: I have RP’d since I was 13 almost exclusively through Facebook, fandoms I have been in are Hetalia/Greek myths/Worm/Pact/Fandomless OCs/Marvel

ORIGINAL CHARACTER: Name and age: Thomas Jr. “Tas” Evan Oneeri, 19 

Face Claim: Leebo Freeman (blonde)

Position (Intern/resident/fellow/attending of what area): Long Term Patient/Involved in a study for his Osteogenesis Imperfecta type IV/Aspiring Medical Administrative Assistant

Biography for your character: Thomas Jr. was born the youngest of three children, half brother to the other two. His mother died giving birth to him. She hadn’t been seeing a doctor regularly during her pregnancy and her eclampsia wasn’t caught nor was he ever seen in ultrasounds before his birth. Right away it was obvious there was something wrong, his spine was badly deformed, his legs were bowed in, he’d suffered multiple fractures in the hard birth, the whites of his eyes were tinged blue. Tas was diagnosed with Type IV Osteogenesis Imperfecta at one week old. However that was only the beginning of his problems. Tas’ father, Thomas Sr., in his grief of losing the love of his life and unable to control his anger turned heavily to alcohol and began to verbally abuse then physically abused his two older sons. Isaac, the oldest, kept his mouth shut and his head down to avoid attention. Marcus, the second oldest, worked up the courage to tell one of the doctors while at an appointment for the then two year old Thomas, who had gotten his nickname of Tas because of his difficulty pronouncing his own name. By two Tas’d had surgery to try and correct the bowing in his legs and was recovering from that when the social workers came. His father was arrested and the three were placed in foster care as their only known living relative their uncle, Jonathan, was currently in jail for taking the fall for a murder his twin brother Thomas Sr. had committed when they were seventeen. Isaac and Marcus were adopted within three years being as young as they were as well as healthy, unfortunately to different homes despite trying to keep them together. Tas wasn’t adopted and remained in foster care bouncing around from home to home until he was around fourteen when an older couple adopted him, Elizabeth and Wendy Nelson. Tas doesn’t remember much about his brothers and the foster homes he had stayed in stopped giving him their letters or the letters were sent to the wrong address and were never forwarded, they stopped being sent when they weren’t returned even in the scrawling of a five year old. The foster homes he was in and out of were neglectful and often times just abusive and because of his disease he was often labeled too much to handle and was passed on to someone else quickly. He was told why he was put into foster care by his parents when he turned sixteen. Because of his condition and childhood he became severely depressed and has issues with attachment and abandonment but hides it best he can with jokes and pranks. When he turned nineteen he was told about a program to study his disorder at Seattle Mercy Grace and moved away from his adopted parents in Cleveland, Ohio, all the way to Seattle. He has a small studio apartment paid for by his parents that’s very close to the hospital so he often walks to it when he can. Now that he’s on his own he decided this fresh start was a good time to figure out exactly what he wanted to do with his life. With his limitations it was difficult, but he settled on what he knew best. Hospital life. He enrolled in an almost completely online eighteen month program to become a medical administrative assistant and wants to work for the new hospital he’s been sent to. Personality wise, Tas is a huge flirt and a troublemaker. Since he can’t get his energy out playing sports he gets his kicks by pulling pranks and telling jokes and teasing as many people as he can. He’s smart, funny, mischievous and very charismatic. He became fluent in Spanish just to trip people up. Despite that he’s easy going, doesn’t like causing actual trouble and prefers to keep his antics at a fun, if not slightly annoying, level for everyone. When he’s alone is pretty much the only time he drops that fun easy going attitude, showing the sadness in him. He has not made any attempts to contact his half-siblings, father, or uncle despite knowing they are out there. He likes to bird watch and sketch and play video games. Physically Tas is both blessed and cursed. He has short curly blonde hair he often keeps gelled back, sky blue eyes with the whites tinged a light grayish-blue, and very pale fragile usually bruised up skin. He’s handsome despite his illness, his face is shockingly angular, with a hooked nose, high cheekbones. And he’s tall, one thing that makes him stand out from the others with his condition, standing at 6’1”. However he’s really thin weighing 140lbs with not so much muscle, can’t get too much exercise in. With his spine being curved the way it is he is cocked to the left slightly but the surgeries he had to fix it made that much less obvious. The same goes for his legs, which still bow but it can only be noticed if you’re looking for it. He’s got multiple scars from surgeries to fix fractures and breaks as well as his legs and spine. He wears mostly tank tops and t-shirts in all colors often with inappropriate sayings or images, a dark purple button up denim jacket, usually blue jeans that aren’t too tight fitting on the legs, and purple converse that match his jacket. He has a necklace that is a choker with two black leather bands and a silver feather hanging from it. He has a personalized cane that can fold up that he uses and is almost never seen without, with a silver raven’s skull as the handle and the shaft black with plumes of purple smoke painted along it. The jacket, shoes, and cane were gifts given to him by his adoptive parents when they told him he was going to be adopted by them, the necklace a gift from the staff of the hospital he’d been going to for years. Medically, he has a slightly S shaped curved spine. He does have asthma because of his chest wall being mildly deformed. Has had surgery for Basilar Invagination at around 1 year old and that is still monitored as they weren’t entirely sure it was successful. Has had full dentures since he was 4 years old. He has fractured most of the bones in his arms and legs countless times as well as his right hip and right collar bone at least once and severely broke his left leg and right arm resulting in surgeries, as well as breaking his other limbs a few times less severely and only resulting in casts, all due to being more adventurous and less careful than he should be. When he does get bigger fractures they often get infected resulting in long hospital stays while they work on getting the infection under control. He has had multiple surgeries that have gotten his spine to the okay point it’s at now and to fix his bowing legs which are barely able to be seen unless you’re looking for it. He has valvular heart disease, two of the valves are smaller than they should be, but he hasn’t had any major issues with it yet previous doctors said his case is a watch and wait. He will occasionally have seizures, one of them is what resulted in his broken arm and a small skull fracture but he hasn’t had one in about two years, his speech is slower because of a big one he had when he was 6 years old. He also has not so great hearing. It’s not so bad to the point he needs hearing aids but if you don’t get his attention first or speak loud enough when he’s not looking he won’t notice you’re talking. He is given Pamidronate every month or so, regularly takes anti-inflammatories and pain relievers, as well as smoking weed despite being told constantly not to for many reasons and does his best to hide that habit. He nearly constantly gets all manners of tests done on him so he’s got a very busy schedule.

Ship(s): With chemistry, he’s pansexual

Anti-ships: None

Writing sample (at least three paragraphs, in character. Must be in third person.):  RFP

[blackrupee]

Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in  expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it. 

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds. 

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar

[spiffysixxsense]

1-92 for the entertain me asks

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? 

i have already, so yes

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? 

nah, nice try though

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

yes. (2 in fact lol)

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

a little bit. My instinct is to trust,  but then my past experiences stop me in my tracks like WHOA MAN DONT DO THAT. 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

I saw Alex and Ariel yesterday, I kinda like both of them. 

6. What are you excited for?

4 months of no school

7. What happened tonight?

Well tonight hasnt happened yet, so how would I know?

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no, you do you girl. 

9. Is confidence cute?

To an extent. Its a fine line.

10. What is the last beverage you had?

green tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

one, really. (maybe 2.)

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

yes, only for boot purposes. 

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

Next saturday? stay up til midnight to see all of Ariel’s birthday speeches lol

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Ive spent way too much in the last couple weeks, im taking a break lol

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

yes i am

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Ill be a year older? does that count?

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Alex and Ariel

18. The last time you felt broken?

like a week ago

19. Have you had sex today?

I have not, but hey it’s only 6.

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

nothing comes to mind

21. Are you in a good mood?

Im okay. 

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

uh no? jeez

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

yes

24. What do you want right this second?

maybe more tea

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

what the ACTUAL FUCK

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

yes

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Alex fucking up the timing to SOB in the car

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

not really. 

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

Depends on what its for. 

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

No

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

I am pretty sure he’s gotten the hint at this point. 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

never, no. but i think i drink it less than others (i live off tea)

34. Listening to?

The sound of my own typing

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

no

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

pretty sure hes home.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no. attraction at first sight, sure. 

38. Who did you last call?

Alex, probably.

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

Alex in my living room, probably my ex at prom if that doesnt count

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

I like him?

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

I have absolutely no idea.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

No, I havent even talked to the one i live with

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

I dont think so, but im pretty embarrassing so probably. 

44. Do you tan in the nude?

no, Id get fired.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

no

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Until he fell asleep at least, yes

47. Who was the last person to call you?

My insurance company, im super popular

48. Do you sing in the shower?

sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car?

sometimes, sorry Alex and Ariel

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Maybe? maybe not, i was offered but i probably said no

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

If Michael & Zarhaa count, then a couple weeks ago. If it has to be a professional with a studio, then my senior pictures 3 years ago.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

yes, and annoying. 

53. Is Christmas stressful?

yes, everything is stressful

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

yes, i approve

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

apple i guess

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Scientist, i know thats vague af now but thats what i would say. (I think i meant a chemist)

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

I want to, they seem neat

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Im sure at some point in life

59. Take a vitamin daily?

No do i look that put together to you

60. Wear slippers?

no

61. Wear a bath robe?

no

62. What do you wear to bed?

Tank top and shorts

63. First concert?

Nickelback

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

target 

65. Nike or Adidas?

Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Sunflower seeds (pumpkin seeds are better)

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

shake it off? lol

69. Ever take dance lessons?

god no

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

As in what I want him to do? no

71. Can you curl your tongue?

yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Ive never been in one so no lol

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

I don’t think so.

74. What is your favorite book?

I used to have an answer for this and now i cant remember the name of the book lol

75. Do you study better with or without music?

Depends on what Im doing. actually reading? no. making flash cards/reviewing? yes76. Regularly burn incense?

no

77. Ever been in love?

yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Who I havent before? uh. Well after checking spotify, thousand foot krutch is the first one that comes up that i havent seen before 

79. What was the last concert you saw?

A year in new york? maybe

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

cold

81. Tea or coffee?

tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?

the chocolate chip walnut one i had yesterday was pretty lit. 

83. Can you swim well?

define well. I wont drown. but i cant swim faster than you either. 

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Anyone can? just stop breathing. 

85. Are you patient?

no. 

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

band i guess

87. Ever won a contest?

no

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Have i? no. will i? probably not

89. Which are better black or green olives?

NEITHER HOW DARE YOU

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

go for it

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room? maybe bedroom if its big enough

92. Do you want to get married? 

someday

[eternalsunshine-forspotlessminds]

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? To be honest I don't know I thought he did. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Yes 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Right now! 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yes I do it all the time. 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Not talking to anyone(: 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Yes 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? My softball uniform even though are game was over at 7 and its 1:12 Am? my bad. 8. How often do you listen to music? All day everyday 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? The thing is I use to wear jeans everyday and now halfway through school year all I wear is leggings and sweats 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018? I truly hope so. 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? I can be both i just have to be in a certain mood to be social. 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? Nope 13. What about ���R’? Nada 14. Can you drive a stick shift? Nopee 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Nope I know my life I know what ive done that's all that matters. 16. Are you going out of town soon? No clue been grounded forever 17. When was the last time you cried? Like 10 minutes ago. 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yep 19. If you could change your eye color, would you? No. 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Sadly, Yes. 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. I want to express how I feel but every time I do I start getting mixed up in my words. 22. Is it cute when someone kiss you on your forehead? Yes yes yes 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? Nope 24. What are you sitting on right now? A wooden chair so I put a blanket on it for comfort. 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Yes 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Jolie 28. Do you get a lot of colds? Not really just strep 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Springfield High School 30. Does anyone hate you? I'm sure of it 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? Nope:) 32. Do you like watching scary movies? I really do 33. Do you want your tongue pierced? No the fact that they can miss and paralyze you freaks me 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2016 oh my god I wish I could just restart the year oh my god 35. Did you have a dream last night? Yes & it was horrible 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Today 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? no no 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Nope 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope. 40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Nope 41. Think back 6 months ago; were you in a relationship? I was a friend with benefit if that counts 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? No 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes & they did 44. What’s the best part about school? Being able to read without distractions 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yes 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Yes about wanting to die in class 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? 24/7 48. Were you single over the last summer? Si 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Not even close 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? enjoying my junior year spring break 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Yes haven't spoken since April 1st and that was to tell him to have a great life after he ruined mine. 52. Are you nice to everyone? I use to be  53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? 100% 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Incredible at it. 56. Do you think you like someone? Lmao no. 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Yes aw Jed. 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? I don't mind 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yes 60. Do you hate anyone? No. 61. How’s your heart? It's a heart 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Like everything??. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy? Yes. 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? This makes me wanna scream because I can name people. 65. Are your toenails painted pink? No black 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? I hope not 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? I always thought it meant he truly cared and I would feel so guilty for making him so no false. 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No lolol  69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Skyla Sue 70. How do you look right now? Probably dead 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Yes 72. Can you commit to one person? Yes 100% 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? No 74. Have you ever felt replaced? Yup all the time. 75. Did you wake up cranky? Yeah76. Are you a jealous person? I use to be but I try not to 77. Are relationships ever worth it? Chanse Heibner was worth it for only a year the other year with him was wasteless.   78. Anyone you’re giving up on? Yes just did(: 79. Currently wanting to see anyone? I want to see people when I'm happy so not for awhile 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Sleep! 81. Last person you cried in front of? I really cant remember 82. Is there someone you will never forget? Yes 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? I have no feelingsss 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Sleeping together i would kiss him over and over telling him ill never let him go. 85. Are you over your past? Some parts 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yes 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? No but I tell most. 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? Yes. 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? No, he ruined me. 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? YES HAD TO LIE TO HER FOR 6 MONTHS 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?No 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Nein 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Nope but Matthew Allen my neighbor tried to a thousand times 94. Were you in a relationship in January? Fwb How was it going? Horrible I tried leaving and he told me he was gonna pick me so I stayed 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? No 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? No 97. Who do you have texts from? DONT KNOW MOM HAS MY PHONE 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? knew it 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? Just me101. Ever kissed under fireworks? Yes and I have it in a photo 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? God yes that's how I fall in love.