#i know its the moon one i just cant find any photos of it online for some reason ????? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stressed-crow · 3 years ago

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i didnt exactly get tagged, but @lieberts said the “whoever wants to do it” thing (like 4 moths ago but i just found it in my likes) so here i goooo

also i tag @krchov @cowardlylearningtobebrave @feathereddamsel @gruntie and @luwucifer-s but like, only very vaguely. feel free not to~

1. MUSIC TAG MEME

Rules: Post your first twenty songs in a playlist on shuffle

Mama (My Chemical Romance)

Stigma (BTS)

Man Who Sold The World (Nirvana)

End of Spring (ONEWE)

Love Maze (BTS)

I’m so afraid (Holland)

Dear my friend (agustd)

O-O-H Child (The Five Stairsteps)

Go Go (BTS)

Time is Running out (The Muse)

Movement (Hozier)

Les Passants (Zaz)

The Witching Hour (ODJBOX)

Feelings (Hayley Kiyoko)

0X1=LOVESONG (txt)

YAYAYA (Stray Kids)

Empire (Of Mice and Men)

Problems (Mother Mother)

Question (Stray Kids)

Kill Your Heroes (AWOLNATION)

(i do not take any criticism on my music taste, least of all a costructive one)

2. Rules: MAKE A NEW POST, bold what applies to you and tag whoever you want to get to know better.

APPEARANCE

I’m an I-need-to-pull-the-driver-seat-all-the-way-in kind of a person // i wear glasses or contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo // i have blue eyes // i have dyed or highlighted my hair // i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i wear makeup // i don’t often smile // i am pleased with how I look // I prefer nike to adidas // i wear baseball hats backward

HOBBIES & TALENTS

i play a sport // i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language // i have won a trophy in some sort of competition // i can cook or bake without a recipe // i know how to swim // i enjoy writing // i can do origami // i prefer movies to tv shows // i can execute a perfect somersault // i enjoy singing // i could survive in the wild on my own (if it was like... chill wildreness. i mean i can get a fire going and shit like that i cant fistfight a bear or whatever) // i have read a new book series this year // i enjoy spending time with friends // i travel during school or work breaks // i can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIPS

i am in a relationship // i have a crush // i have a best friend i have known for ten years // my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // i have a long-distance relationship // i am an only child // i give advice to my friends // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online

AESTHETIC

i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sunrise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colors // i find mystery in the ocean (i dont like it tho the sea scares me) // i enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favourite season

MISC

i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // i am the mom friend // i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies // i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food // i can drive a stick-shift // i believe in true love // i make up scenarios to fall asleep // i sing in the shower // i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial // i am a redhead // i own at least one dog // i have a cat ---------

3. THIS OR THAT TAG GAME (1)

4. THIS OR THAT TAG GAME (2)

indoor plants or gardens // cloud-watching or star-gazing // water or fire // paperback or hardcover // running or hiking // sleeping with socks or without socks // fruit or vegetables // hanging plants or succulents // dark wood or light wood // handwritten or typed // instagram or pinterest (i dont do either) // braids or pigtails // books or movies // oceans or meadows // forests or fields // sweet or salty // ice cream or chocolate // hoodies or sweaters // long hair or short hair // piercings or tattoos (new!! both!!) // summer or winter (both suck) // boots or sneakers // cars or motorcycles // curls or straight hair // castles or cottages // sunny days or storms // reptiles or birds // disney or nickelodeon (am european) // strawberries or watermelon (im using this opportunity to pick the other one yes) // essays or posters // phones or laptops // glass or stone // dark or light // photos or paintings // circuses or theaters // reading or writing // dogs or cats // poetry or novels // monsters or ghosts // thrift shops or libraries // fiction or non-fiction

5. Post one picture from my camera roll (no new downloads) to sum up my personality! u get two bcs they are v good

6. 30 QUESTIONS TAG GAME

RULES: Answer 30 questions and tag others

Name/Nickname: lucy

Gender: female

Star Sign: leo

Height: 170 cm

Time: 22:04

Birthday: july 1 IS WHAT I WROTE INITIALLY bcs i cant fucking read and thought it just said “date” lol anyway its 11th of August

Favorite Bands: bts, stray kids :)

Favorite Solo Artists: sunmi, taemin :) and hozier i cant betray him

Song stuck in my head: la la la la vie en rose

Last Movie: def some horror movie but i forget which lol

Last Show: probably the untamed lmaooo did not even finnish it

When did I create this blog: december 2013 apparently

What do I post: kpop babey

Last thing googled: i gotta fact check lots of shit for work so probs smting sports related (but make no mistake i dont know a single thing abt sports)

Other blogs: what for i dump everything here

Do I get asks: no

Why I chose my url: self-explanatory

Following: 100

Followers: ???

Average hours of sleep: about 8 hours

Instruments: none

What am I wearing: pink pajama shorts with kitties, black shirt torn beyond decent wearability and this dark green... jacket,,, hoodie...thing.

Dream job: village witch

Dream trip: me @ japan:

(i was supposed to go study there starting winter 2020 :) im abt to lose my fucking mind :) so yeah you get a dead meme for this) also new zealand, iceland, and going back to sweden sometime

Favorite food: pizza bithc its versatile, also cereal coz im a child

Nationality: czech (rip)

Favorite song: black swan (bts), levanter (skz), take me to church (hozier), noir (sunmi) (those are from the top of my head current favs theres way more but here u go)

Last book read: MIMOZEMŠŤANÉ V ČECHÁCH (= aliens in czechia) by idk, some married couple thats probs wanted whatever xfiles had but low budget, its pure nonsense, best read of this year, dont regret a single second

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: magnus archives bich i dont give a fuck; middle earth to blaze it with hobbits; i wanna be one of those lil shaky-head-tree-things in mononokehime

#personal #yeet yoot #tag game

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eleventhousandfour · 6 years ago

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tagged by @arcaydyin – thank you so much!

nickname: emma is such a short name anyway so i don’t really need a nickname haha but em / emm gender: female astrological sign: aquarius... no idea what my sun / moon / rising sign is, i just know i’m aquarius ! height: 6 ft… but tbh i never actually made it to 6ft, i never got that tall! :( i’m like a centimetre short i’m like 182cm i think so i’m technically 5’11 but 6ft sounds better hahaa sexuality: i like girls! and if you wanna put a label on that then i’m a lesbian / gay hogwarts house: definitely ravenclaw but there’s a bit of hufflepuff in me too! favorite animals: i find loads of animals cool but i suppose my favourites are arctic foxes and seahorses… wouldn’t it be so funny though if my patronus was a seahorse, like imagine it just sorta bobbing about in the air, that would be amazing... number of blankets: if you mean number of duvets then 1 + sometimes a blanket / quilt if im cold in the winter where i’m from: the uk! dream trip: i wanna go to so many places but a) money b) I don’t have a travel buddie bc all my friends are ‘party all night!’ type people and im not lol and c) im too shy to travel on my own and make friends along the way haha when i made this account: i created it in december 2011 i think why i created this account: all my friends were getting tumblrs and i didn’t want to feel left out lol followers: a lady never tells……. jokes I have 383, it would help if more of my posts actually went in the frigging tags !! following: too many... i will check – 2,609 wow that is too many, though i reckon a lot of those are dead / inactive the last thing I googled: ‘does tango orange have caffeine in it’ because i was ordering a takeaway online and i am avoiding caffeine… but the answer was inconclusive, and i couldn’t be bothered to waste time finding out the answer i just wanted my greek food so instead i ordered a 7up lol :) favorite musicians: sigrid is my absolute fave! also aurora and lorde and some others i like are passion pit, banks, daughter, london grammar, of monsters and men, bon iver, the xx and at the moment anything esc 2019 ofc! song stuck in your head: kill this love by blackpink do you get asks: i occasionally get asks… i got a few from an anon about skam spain the other day that made me ridiculously happy bc i never get asks haha amount of sleep: i used to be sooo good at sleeping but now it varies so much and i definitely don’t get enough… i reckon i get around 6/7 hours a night but i have discovered i can survive on like 5/6 hours... lucky number: 4 and 24 what are you wearing: dark grey skinny jeans and a t-shirt from uniqlo with a marimekko design on it... it has a blue background and white spots, but its now almost too big for me because ive lost so much weight (losing weight is a good thing because i was totally overweight and didn’t feel healthy) but because its too big it’s almost getting uncomfortable to wear bc theres just so much fabric that’s just not needed anymore lol!! it’s a little frustrating bc its one of my favourite t-shirts and its so pretty so i cant stop myself from wearing it! dream job: honestly? i don’t know... i’ve often said my dream job would be a film / tv location scout but then i have begun to realise that not all parts of the job appeal to me... like i know that i have an insane natural talent at finding out where places are filmed (and to do that i can happily spend hours looking on google maps and researching things) and that has translated into me thinking ‘that’s what a location scout does!’ but then actually, would i really be spending all my time looking at google maps and researching places? no, i probably would not... the job would be so much more than that. also would my enthusiasm disappear if it was my actual job? my passion for finding out where places are filmed is because im a) hella nosy and b) really interested in the movie / tv show / actor so i want to find it out because i just have to know and it’s fun but would that still be the case if i actually worked as a location scout? who knows! so basically i have no idea what my dream job is hahaa... instruments: i unfortunately can’t play any musical instruments because i am untalented and don’t have the patience, i blame my brother and my cousins for stealing all the musical genes in my family… languages: i speak english and english only... but there are some yiddish and scots words that occasionally crop up when im talking thanks to my family’s heritage, but i dont speak any other languages... i learnt french and spanish at school but i found them very hard and never really enjoyed learning them, although i did get a b in french at gcse so i was alright i guess but i reckon thanks to crisana and juliantina i have learnt more spanish in the past few months than i did during the two years i learnt spanish at school haha... favorite songs: ugh i have too many faves, but sight of you by sigrid, the seed by aurora, radio gaga by queen. dancing with myself by billy idol, be the one by dua lipa, to the other side by passion pit, ribs by lorde, 33 god by bon iver, dog days are over by florence + the machine, video killed the radio star by the buggles to name but a few… random fact: ???!! i guess a random fact is that i find it impossible to come up with random facts about myself! aesthetic: exploring new places, quoting random lines from poetry or films, going to supermarkets in foreign countries, saying ‘i love you’ spontaneously, posing for endless photos in endless pretty locations, watching the sunset over a city while listening to music, enjoying the magical loveliness of everyday life…

im tagging @theelephantsvanish @etherealpondsx @lexa-el-amin @allyoursecrets @annatorvsgf @frenchcutcarrot @supuswnt @hillyan @celmurcia

#about me #i rambled on a lot as usual lol #now i will concentrate on watching the 2nd eurovision semi final haha

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eleventy-seven · 6 years ago

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Using the Super Blood Wolf Moon Lunar Eclipse to Evade Emotional Self-Sabotage -

Release emotional baggage and blockages.

Look ahead, walk alone. If people want to put themselves next to you they will make an effort to do so.

It's amazing the things Moon magic can do. I'm a cancer rising and therefore ruled by the moon so it only makes sense that I am ruled by my emotions. I got to stop letting other people's actions that I had no part in keep me feeling low. Yes I feel very extremely and that's intimidating for a lot of people but you know what I like it…I’m just exhausted and I don’t need to do this again. I’ve been immersed in Astrology, Tarot, online research on HSP and BPD and PTSD, and planning a ritual for this Super Blood Wolf Moon Lunar Eclipse at 0* Leo today – opposing the sun at 0* Aquarius and the final Eclipse in this trio. My Spirituality saved my life before and I’m focusing my free time integrating that and my mental wellness. I’ve come to accept to let things go, that things will work itself out in time whether it's a conversation, an attempt at friendship, or an obligatory goodbye... the motherfuckers gonna miss me how could you not? I also even verbalized to both of us recently that I felt like I was losing myself, that everything we did was focused to his interests, friends, and motivations. This had to happen so I can focus on me. Its been a long time since I fell in love, and I’m out of practice...falling into unhealthy patterns that I should recognize. But I wont let others’ inability to face their own guilt become my own trauma, it literally will kill me. If hes too fucked up to even say sorry more than a week later & putting his pride before respecting me, he wasn’t worth the fucking pain.

I was clinging to the emotional and psychological support I’d never had before – and he took advantage of my greatest insecurities and the fact that i trusted him when it came to my mental health (note to self - never ever do that again). He also promised not to abandon me again but I guess I’ve got to stop holding it against him and just realize he cant give me what I need until he figures some of his own demons out.

I do too much additional damage to myself and the situation by letting things run through my head so I'm going to take a different perspective. there's a good chance the reason I'm being forced to relive my trauma is so that I can learn to overcome it. I've got to do things differently. You cant save someone from their own karmic lessons….

Put my intense emotional energy into the spell, and transfer the rest where there is deficit…

"If you're going to do something, do it well... and leave something witchy." 😈🖤🔮 The left side represents me, I put myself first. It’s got some modeling photos, something to represent my job and the coming success there, something to represent traveling/Arizona, 2step Tuesdays, Buddha for balance, and a pendulum to represent all the possible ways this can go. Most of these are all the parts of my soul that I found so much joy in - and I feel like I was losing touch with. The candle on that side also has two wicks so it burns twice as bright. The reason my list of intentions is so small is because it's actually a sticker and I keep them in a notebook log.

On the right side the energy is focused on my intentions for him, a pseudo-closure, I guess. A photo of him, a necklace his family had given me (to counter the pendulum on the left for balance and to have a totem of mine related to him to carry this energy.) I wrote my intentions and hopes for him under the photo. I honestly don't wish him any harm – I’m pretty sure most of those good times were genuine….?

In order to grow from this I wish him the capability to develop empathy and consideration of others feelings, to learn to forgive himself and not be so hard on other people for their mistakes, going forward to never define his own worth by this or any past mistakes (but to be able to see all of the qualities that I saw his worth in). Mistakes are okay as long as they are respected and corrected. You will never heal until you learn to make those mistakes and move past them - not by avoidance but by handling them and surviving the consequences. Its okay to fuck up sometimes - very little respect is usually lost as long as you dont cower. Most importantly it would make this all worth it to know he learns to find emotional safety in communication, growth from mistakes, and how to approach sensitive situations and expose his shadow side ..... LOL I should have put learn to apologize on there but maybe next time.

Ritual: I had a candle that is made for burning on the full moon, placed next to a cd i painted as a full moon (I did all the phases). After setting up I lit the moon candle, did a quick meditation to harness the emotional energy, and lit the moon candle, then the one on the left, then the right. I lit the sage with the flame from the right candle and the flame from the left and put it on the lavender petals. when it went out I relit it using only the candle on my side of the altar. This is for my ability to move my own direction when that flame goes out - the lavender is for relaxation and tranquility as I do. Then, the moon being a water sign and ruling the emotions, i took a dropper of water from the dish and sprinkled it on his side, to encourage any emotional blockages to dispel and release creativity and compassion. I then poured wax from both candles into the water to show how our lives can come together and also separate when it hits the water/emotions - both from each other and the water itself. Its also important to note that wax is mutable and it represents me trying to break patterns in how I let grief affect my self-worth. The thing with chaos magick is you dont have to follow a ritual or path. You find yours - it’s all about intention, focus, and energy. Every form of divination I practice all led me to this and I feel a million times better than i ever expected. Hope it lasts. <3

#brandon #fullmoon #rituals #moonmagick #chaosmagick #relationships #emotions #deceit #mentalhealth #complex ptsd

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sailorrrvenus · 6 years ago

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People Call My Photos Fake… But They’re Not

The idea of this article came from a recent photo series I saw on BoredPanda about viral photos people thought were real but were fake. It reminded me of some of my photos people always call fake.

People online judge you really easily. It used to really annoy me when people called my work ‘fake’ when I spent countless hours planning and executing that particular shot. Now I don’t care as much anymore as I used to. This is the Internet, after all. And if I think about it, often I can’t blame them.

Take the last super moon for example. More than half of the pictures you see online are indeed fake. People paste the moon in all kinds of settings, and if you know your photography, you can easily see what’s fake and what’s not because of focal lengths not matching. However, people who don’t really know the technical aspects of focal lengths, the ‘general crowd’ can’t really tell what’s real and what’s fake. So if something looks ‘too good’ people often think it’s fake.

The so-called ‘haters’, in particular, will scream fake at you and will sometimes even directly insult you.

In this article, I will discuss a few shots I’ve taken over the years that look ‘unreal’ and thus were hated upon a lot. All the shots I am discussing have their own article on PetaPixel.

2015: Alone in the Universe

This photo gave a boost to my photography career. It shows the ISS (International Space Station) flying over a friend of mine standing on a hill who I was photographing with the Milky Way. This was a lucky shot. I had been to this area a bunch of times trying to shoot the Milky Way (which is not easy in the Netherlands) and this on this shot I saw something flying through the frame.

Upon doing research afterward and asking local astrophotographers (on astroforum.nl, very nice and helpful guys) it was confirmed that this was indeed the ISS flying through my frame. I already knew it was something special when I took the shots, because it was flying much slower than a shooting star, and it was much brighter than a meteor and different than a plane.

A meteor shower was predicted one week later, and with some clever title, a photo story and the image itself, the image spread on the Internet extremely quickly. The result was tons of media attention, and a lot of people calling the shot fake for numerous reasons.

Most common were the people who don’t know anything about photography saying you can’t see or photograph the Milky Way in the Netherlands.

There were ‘Experts’ saying the ISS flew a different direction so the shot could not be real. But they forgot that the exposure started when the ISS was on the right, and that’s why it’s brighter there. And it went to the left, fading out there because it was making its turn there. So while it looks like the ISS is going to the left, its actually going to the right.

There were also haters saying the shot was planned (but not calling it fake) and saying I made up a bulls**t story. At that time I tried everything to convince everyone the shot was real. Luckily I also had support from people from astroforum.nl, and I showed some publishers the raw file. But you simply can’t please everyone.

2019: The Supermoon

My most recent picture that I planned of the supermoon was also called fake by some people, especially people who don’t really know photography. As I mentioned earlier, you can’t really blame them, because there were so many fake moon shots out there.

For many people, a shot like this is again “too good to be true.” The perfect alignment of the moon in between the two towers screams Photoshop. But the challenge is to plan shots like this, and once you tell people how you do it, they turn around.

People calling it fake because the moon is too big. By using a very long lens and planning you can align the moon with building and objects. It’s great fun when you succeed. You can also see a video about it here:

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People were also calling it fake because there are hundreds of fake pictures of super moons out there, even featured by news channels.

2017: Erupting volcano Lined Up with the Milky Way

These two images are by far the most extreme. Especially the first image where you can see the Milky Way in line with an erupting volcano in Guatemala. The second image was actually much more challenging, but the first image looks way crazier so that one gets a lot of hate, even today.

I planned this shot to great lengths and before I made the shot. I already told lots of people about my plan, making it even more satisfying when I was finally able to take this shot. Literally hundreds of people insulted me over this particular shot.

Again, when you think about it, you can’t blame people. The number of fake Milky Ways you see on social media nowadays is probably more than the number of real pictures you see. And especially with a shot like this, even I would probably think that it’s fake if someone else had taken it. It was, and is still, featured on worldwide media. Here are some of the reasons people were calling it fake and photoshopped:

First, the top of the peak on the left. Lots of people said it looked horrible. “Such a bad Photoshop,” was often said. The fact is that the peak right there is rising above a thick fog layer, making it look like that. If I had Photoshopped that, I probably would have made it look better!

Because of the very defined haze layer, it looks like the sky is just pasted in the image. What people forget is that I am standing at close to 4,000 meters (13,000 feet) of altitude here. The haze layer was very apparent that night. Compare it to being in an airplane at high altitude and looking out of the window — you’ll also often see a very defined line of the atmosphere.

People also said: “The light pollution looks very strong, but the sky is not polluted.” This is Guatemala. What you see in the image are very small villages. They almost don’t give off any light pollution. It just looks way more extreme on the image because of the long exposure. You can see this on a light pollution map if you check the surroundings of the Fuego volcano in Guatemala. There is not much light pollution, so it’s very easy to spot the Milky Way.

Also, many locals shoot the Milky Way there. The fact is that this shot was technically not that hard. It is not a single shot but was rather a panorama to get the whole valley in the frame. I planned the alignment and the shot, and “just” needed the volcano to erupt. The planning and the whole trip was the most difficult, but being there was simply executing and enjoying the spectacle unfolding in front of my eyes.

I shot the erupting volcano with the Milky Way first and then moved panned to take more shots to get the whole Milky Way with the valley. There were a total of 5 (vertical) shots. No HDR, bracketing, or whatever. But yes, multiple shots to create the full panorama. The second more challenging photo is a single exposure.

‘Photoshop’

I do have to say that all of my shots are indeed ‘Photoshopped’. I always work on my images to make them look good on print and social media. I change contrast, vibrance, saturation, make color adjustments, etc., so you can call them ‘fake’ in that regard. But I don’t change the moment.

When you shoot in RAW format you maximize the data your camera can capture. The photos always come out very flat, so to make it look somehow appealing you have to do some processing. When you shoot in JPG, or when you shoot with your smartphone, for example, the device itself already does all the processing so you don’t need to do any processing on the computer anymore. This is an endless discussion that I will not write about in this article, but can be talked about another time.

The bottom line for me, in general, is trying to display the moment in a photograph. To close, I would like to say that before you judge anyone or think something is fake, don’t just start screaming “fake!” or insult the photographer. If you have doubts, there is sometimes more to it than you think. No matter how much experience I have with this particular thing, it still hurts when people insult me over work I spent lots of time on.

About the author: Albert Dros is an award-winning Dutch photographer. The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author. His work has been published by some of the world’s biggest media channels, including TIME, The Huffington Post, The Daily Mail, and National Geographic. You can find more of his work on his website, or by following him on Facebook and Instagram.

source https://petapixel.com/2019/03/01/people-call-my-photos-fake-but-theyre-not/

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amxxrawrites-blog · 7 years ago

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Life Imitates Art - a short story

Ian

My heart does somersaults in my chest when I hear my phone’s gentle ping. It’s a message from her. I unlock my screen and am greeted with her selfie. Despite it being a still image, I can see the mischievous twinkle in her brown eyes, I can feel the softness of her pink cheeks, and I can smell the sweet scent of her dark hair. She’s the epitome of the perfect girl. I still can’t believe I’m on my way to meet her for the very first time.

nadra_02: hey cutie

its_ian_00: hey back

nadra_02: did u know nadra is a rlly common name in Russia? don’t fact check that!

its_ian_00: haha no i did not. but what i do know fossure is that not all nadras are as gorgeous as u

nadra_02: okay smooth talker, now i rlly cant wait to see u! where r u?

its_ian_00: will be there as soon as u can say “facebook”

nadra_02: facebook!

I smile to myself. I lock my phone and fasten my pace. I can feel the sweat cascading down my spine, making my green shirt stick to my back. I huff. If only my mom allowed me to drive, but she never lets me do anything. Before Nadra, I barely had any friends or anyone at all to talk to. Being the only child with a single parent, I was always under close watch. Everything I did, from dusk to dawn, was always monitored and controlled. Nadra, to me, was the key that unlocked my lonely, isolated cage.

I met her online after seeing her pretty profile picture amongst a sea of people on Facebook’s Racing Towards Lightspeed’s fanpage. Racing Towards Lightspeed is an underground band that played heavy metal music and she was arguing intensely about the true meaning behind one of their songs. There were many commenters who harshly disagreed with her but she was adamant that she was right. Personally, I disagreed as well but I admired her gumption. I added her and we began to chat.

nadra_02 accepted your friend request!

its_ian_00: hey! so… about the lyrics to that song…

nadra_02 is typing…

its_ian_00: wait wait! before u murder me viciously with ur argument, i just want to say that i see ur point of view and i think u have a really interesting way of thinking

nadra_02: go on…

its_ian_00: i like that u think the song is about a ruthless monster. ur interpretation gives it an edgy and antagonistic vibe which i never felt prior to reading ur perspective. however, i, myself have a different outlook

nadra_02: which is?

its_ian_00: i don’t think he’s a monster, i think that’s just how people see him. society looks upon him as this grotesque and destructive thing but rlly he’s human like everyone else. he goes out into the world, longing for love and because he isn’t what society would deem as attractive, he gets shut down and that fuels his anger, causing him to appear as ugly as people make him believe he is

nadra_02 is typing…

nadra_02: ian, u have officially become my new favourite person

I check the time; it’s almost 1am. I start running. I feel the gentle breeze on my face and smell the dew of the freshly cut grass. She wanted to meet at the park near her house. I never thought this day would come. We are finally going to run away together after months of wanting it. I halt when I see the tall Elm tree. My heartbeat quickens. She described her location meticulously in our chat, making sure I knew exactly where to find her amidst the darkness of the night. As I slowly approach the tree, I begin to see a pair of shoes idly knocking against each other in rhythm. When I finally get to the other side of the tree, I smile because she looks up, noticing my presence. Her beautiful face is framed by the glow of the moon. She looks exactly like her photo but exceptionally more stunning in person. I battle the hitch in my throat and utter my first words to her.

“Hi, Nadra. I’m so glad we’re finally together”

Nadra

I storm into my room, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. I can still hear my adoptive parents screaming at me from the other side. I slide down the wall and curl up into a ball of rage, sadness and misery. Ever since I was adopted, my life has been a mess. It’s funny how you think you’re breaking walls to escape the darkness but really, you’re inching your way closer and closer into the abyss. That’s how it is for me now, living with two people who hate me more than they hate each other. I should’ve just stayed at the orphanage, at least there; I didn’t receive fresh cuts and bruises as presents painted in a dark crimson tint.

“So help me God, I will rip this door right off its hinges! Do you hear me, Nadra?” my so-called dad shouts. I stand up and ignore him, deciding that I’m deaf to his calls.

I grab my phone from my desk, scoot under my bed, and open Facebook to message Ian. As I type, I stare endearingly at his profile picture. He’s smiling widely, showing off the dimples on each side of his cheek. His hair is a mess, yet the kind of mess that leads you to believe he was too cool to care about how he looked. Effortless, would be a great way to describe him, effortlessly handsome with his tall and lean stature and effortlessly charming with his natural sense of humour.

nadra_02: what r u doing

its_ian_00: helping my mom clean the dishes, u?

nadra_02: wishing i was with u

its_ian_00: aw, me too

nadra_02: then lets do it

its_ian_00: haha yeah, we will

nadra_02: no, im serious. lets be together. tonight!

its_ian_00: wait… don’t joke around. are u serious?

The pounding on my door is incessant. I can feel a headache coming, making the tight space underneath my bed feel even tighter. I steady my breath. I’ve been with these people for 4 years, ever since they adopted me at the age of 12. I know exactly what to do every time the going gets tough. I close my eyes and go to my happy place. It differs every night. Sometimes, it’s back at my old home with my real parents, because loved ones don’t die from car accidents in your imagination. Sometimes, it’s at the park, near my house with Ian. This time, I’m with them both.

The headache subsides along with the pounding. I check the time; it’s 12am. They’ve worn off their alcohol and they’re probably leaving to get more. I can’t stand living like this anymore. It’s now or never.

its_ian_00: nadra, r u there?

nadra_02: i’m serious ian. i love u, i want to be with u. let’s run away! tonight!

its_ian_00 is typing…

Nobody ever tells you how seeing three dots in succession could fill you up with such dread. I feel like I’m waiting for an eternity.

Finally, my phone pings.

its_ian_00: where shall i meet u?

My back is against the ribbed trunk of an Elm tree. I am overlooking the lake that is glistening under the moonlight. I look over to my left and I make sure that I’ve packed everything that I need. I have two bags, both filled to the brim with money, clothes, toiletries and other belongings. I chuckle dryly. I’m so used to moving from home to home that I can pack my entire life in just 10 minutes flat. I sigh, checking the time. He should be here by now.

I hug myself, wrapping my jacket tighter around me to resist the cold that is fighting its way through my clothes. I exhale and my breath forms a cloud. Sometimes, I wish I could climb atop it and float to nowhere. I just want an escape. I hope Ian can give me that.

I hear the rustling of the grass. Someone is approaching. I can hear my heart thud through my chest. Anxiety and excitement are bubbling in my stomach, struggling to rise to the top in the form of vomit. I can’t contain myself. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. Finally, my gaze at the mundane ground is overcast by a shadow. I look up, smiling, eager to be met with the gorgeous face I’ve been admiring for the past year. However, what I see is something completely different.

I see not a handsome 18-year-old boy, but a morbidly obese 30-year-old grown man.

His hair is messy, indeed, for it is matted to his forehead due to the immense amount of grease.

His jaw his completely hidden from sight, enshrouded by a patchy beard that permeates all the way down to his neck.

He is panting aggressively and his sweat has made his clothes stick to his body, showing every curve and layer.

I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I feel like I’m absolutely paralyzed.

This can’t be him.

Please, let this not be him.

But, it seems like I can never escape. It seems like the only thing permanent about my life is the abyss in which has rendered me dormant.

Because he speaks and his words, instead of setting me free, have shattered any chance I had to escape.

“Hi, Nadra. I’m so glad we’re finally together.”

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