#i know it's mostly used for non-binary people and I'm not nonbinary but for some reason

[council-of-beetroot]

Rambling post

[sparklemaia]

Heyyy!!

So I've recently read a lot of your comics about top surgery, and I really resonate with your experience (I haven't had it myself but I'd like to). I've recently been exploring my own gender and realising I might be non binary, but I guess I feel sort of an imposter in that I want to keep my name and pronouns (afab), despite feeling like I never got the memo about what a "woman" is, which I know is fine, but I guess I was wondering how the shift from your agab into realising you were nb felt?

Like, you seem to describe your gender as sort of unknowable and indefinable, and I guess that's sort of how I feel? I just want to be... More me. I guess what I'm really asking is, how would you define/feel about that shift into realising you were nonbinary, do you still feel connected to your agab, how do you reconcile the two?

Sorry for the long ask!

Hi, this is such a good question! I actually DO still feel pretty connected to my agab. I feel like I am a girl but also more than a girl but also not enough of a girl, simultaneously. (Weirdly, I never ever feel like a woman, and definitely not a man, but I do feel like an adult at least some of the time.) Top surgery was 100% the right decision for me; my body feels so much more correct and I am grateful every single day this procedure was accessible to me. (I was on a low dose of T for a year and a half too, and I basically just got biceps and a sliiiightly lower voice out of it. We stan.) I simply don't have strong feelings about how these things do or do not map onto gender identity or other people's perceptions of my gender. I am generally perceived as female, and that's fine! Like, close enough! I often feel somewhere BETWEEN cis and trans, or even between cis and nonbinary, and sometimes I joke that I'm just "nonbinary for insurance purposes." I mostly use she/her pronouns, although won't object to they/them. I like my "feminine" name -- I chose it myself years ago for reasons unrelated to gender and I have no plans to change it again. In terms of gender presentation I'm usually somewhere in the "tomboy femme" zone. Basically, I've been through a medical transition but not a social transition. Which is not very common, or at least I haven't seen much representation of it! (Be the bad trans representation you want to see in the world, i guess??)

Even though the words are often used interchangeably, I feel more alliance to genderqueer as a label than nonbinary, because nonbinary feels too clinical and "third checkbox"y to me, whereas genderqueer feels more expansive and undefinable and dynamic, with space for the ways in which I both am and am not performing girlhood correctly. When pressed to pick a gender word for myself, that one feels the closest. But if I'm filling out a government form or whatever? Yeah sure F is fine.

A lot of where I land with this stuff, though, is just kind of relaxing my grip on language. Top surgery was a relief, it helped me feel present in and connected to my body. Ultimately it doesn't matter much to me how much of that was *gender* dysphoria and how much of it was just... something I wanted, a way to make my body feel more like mine, to align my mental image of myself with the thing I had to stuff into clothes and walk around the city every day. I believe very strongly in bodily autonomy, and in making our lives as easy and comfortable and joyful as we can for ourselves, without needing to have a clean and tidy explanation for our choices. It is very possible to know with reasonable certainty that you want something, that it will be a net positive for your life, without being able to articulate, even to yourself, WHY you want it. It doesn't need to have a bigger meaning than ahh yes, this feels right. At this point in my life, I'm more invested in marveling at the sheer improbability of my own existence than in wedging myself into the taxonomy of known and acceptable gender narratives. I'm just a person, here for the merest twinkle of a moment in cosmic history, making soup and knitting baby hats and admiring bugs and singing off-key and cutting my own hair and doing my gosh darn best to light my tiny patch of night sky with stories so that you (and you, and you) feel less alone on your own journey through the unfurling dark. Gender is just such an inconsequential detail in the narrative of my life, and pretty open to reader interpretation anyway.

Not having to wear bras is pretty great though ngl

[velvetvexations]

A good example of people being fucking weird about nonbinary people assigned male at birth is Gerard way who, afaik publicly has only expressed interest in he/they pronouns and mostly takes the stance of "stop trying to label me I'm just a person it's non of your business", yet people will treat them as anything but nonbinary. Half of people just view him as generic cishet dude and the other half seem to see them as a binary trans woman in waiting as soon as they get the confidence to come out and it's like.... You're (general) really proving a lot of points here about the hyperinvisibility of nonbinary people, primarily those amab and the way they're treated. Like would you (general) do that to a nonbinary artist afab? (they just treat them as cis woman lite) would you(general) do that to a cis or binary trans celebrity? I sure fucking hope not! Like are they not fucking trans enough for some people because they don't come out and say "I am transgender and will be physically transitioning and I am a woman and use she her"???? He's the same amount of trans either way. People treat nonbinary celebrities like shit

That really sucks, anon. I didn't even know Gerard Way was he/they but had seen a lot of transfem spec.

[genderqueerdykes]

Is there any good way to find nonbinary spaces that are open to ALL non binary? I'm an amab enby, who presents masc, mostly because it's easiest. (If my beard was like playdough and I could just, push it out, that would be wonderful, but as is, I like how long it is, so, no clean shaven for me.) The problem I keep having is running into non binary space, or spaces for women and non binary, where they treat enby as a kind of woman lite? If you are amab, you need to look androgynous, or femme presenting, or people tell you this space isn't for you. Any advice?

i'm so sorry this is happening to you- i've heard so many people report on that kind of issue- i'm a butch non binary person so i'm also concerned about these things before i attend meet-ups. i really don't understand why there are SO many of these groups that operate like this. it stuns me to see how many people are just openly using terf rhetoric in place of actually helping members of our community

i have a couple of suggestions. see if there are any facebook groups or instagram pages in your area that have a lot transfem members, and start asking around there. there's also the possibility of the app "lex" which a lot of my amab non binary friends have used to moderate success.

if you are okay with going to them, often times queer bars will have lists of events and groups going on both in town and in their establishments. sometimes they will have tamer events during the day. finding any other types of queer orgs in your area like pride groups at a local college, transgender resource centers, and so on could possibly help- sometimes local libraries also have information on local queer groups and meetups.

see what queer establishments and events are going on in town that are open to folks of all identities and work your way out from there, if that makes sense. facebook groups can really help with this- i've heard some people use their local city's reddit page if they are in a large enough place. often times, i find that in order to find groups that are more open minded, you have to draw from a larger pool of individuals.

i really hate it that it seems like a "you won't know until you get there" kind of thing with these environments. they don't make it super obvious that they don't want masc queers around until one gets there and then suddenly the atmosphere is horrid. i'm sorry you've been having that experience, if anyone else has some advice, feel free to pitch in. i wish you the best of luck infinding community that welcomes you properly

[chronically-enthusiastic]

Okay so below the cut is a vent about parents and trans issues. It contains discussions of transphobia. Please don't read this is that is going to be harmful to you!! Stay safe! <3

So some family friends are round for lunch, and my parents were talking to them about how the youths of today are 'in a crisis of identifying as things' and I hate that they have that opinion. I've discussed it with them before and we talked about the nuance of it, and their opinions aren't that trans people don't/shouldn't exist, but that people should be able to be themselves without needing to label it/medically transition. (BUT IF PEOPLE SHOUD BE ABLE TO BE THEMSELVES WITHOUT A LABEL WHY DO YOU NEVER MAKE THESE COMMENTS ABOUT THE FACT THAT 'MAN' IS A LABEL AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT???)

But when they discuss it with people they say things like 'the identity crisis' and it makes me feel physically sick. Because by using the terminology that the people who think that trans people shouldn't exist/shouldn't have rights use, they are aligning themselves with them and just subtly reinforcing that that is the correct idea even though they might not hold as horrible opinions.

And they always talk about the 'problem of gender' and how that is bad, but they never talk about how THERE ARE LITERALLY PEOPLE KILLING TRANS PEOPLE AND HOW PEOPLE IN GOVERNMENT ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO MAKE LIFE WORSE FOR A WHOLE GROUP OF PEOPLE.

And uggh. They've always encouraged me to be open with them about stuff (they know I am aroace and use those labels and are mostly okay with that (my mother bought me an ace pin which was so lovely and affirming of her and I cried a lil bit when she did that) but my father has a slight issue with almost every label (even autism!! even though its not really a label....!!! But i think that that is less so now given that I am probably autistic and he is probably too)) but when they say those things about gender its like I can't share things with you.

I am probably non-binary. In fact, yeah, lets own the label here. I'm nonbinary. But because of all of the stuff I've said, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it. I'm glad I don't have gender dysphoria / don't want to me. I'm glad that I'm not a trans man. Not because those are bad things in themselves (I'm fully supportive of everyone in the lgbtqia+ community (inc. those who don't use labels)), but because I don't feel safe talking with my parents about it. And I don't have it very bd. My parents love me and are safe people. I feel so much empathy and sorrow for the people whose parents pose a very real, very genuine threat to them.

[drill-teeth-art]

Hey, I hope this isn’t weird, but I noticed you talking about non-binary and other things. I am non-binary and I wasn’t aware we could use terms such as king and/or queen, or sir and/or ma’am. I’m still processing who I am and I don’t know the works of this, Man nor women works for me and I was hoping to know some tips? Or anything?

Sure ! I'll give you some tips on that kind of stuff. Now, I don't speak for the whole trans community. And other sources are valuable too, so feel free to go lookin'. This my way of viewing it, and I hope it helps you out.

So I'm transmasc and nonbinary. What's that mean? Well, for me it means that I align mostly with transitioning to being more masculine. I hope to get on T sometime soon, and I generally prefer he/him pronouns. But I don't intend to get top surgery, personally. I am actually really happy with not passing. And sometimes I prefer neutral pronouns or even she/her on some days, mainly with people I trust to be cool. Nonbinary is often very broadly defined as "not adhering to the binary of male and female". You can be called queen or king if you like it and still not be a man or woman. You don't fit in the binary boxes anyways, is how I see it.

The terminology and pronouns you use is generally just up to you and what is most affirming. The "rules" on how you can present should be written by you 'cause it's your gender. If you want someone to call you king and/or queen, sir and/or ma'am, while only using they/them pronouns, that's all fine and dandy. You don't have to use exclusively gender neutral terms or exclusively gendered terms. Just figure out what works for you. Gender is part of your experience. People grow and change. Maybe you try out "sir" with friends you trust and like it for a while but then decide it isn't for you down the line. That's okay. Maybe you try out "sir" and you absolutely love it always and still want to use they/them as your pronouns. Also epic.

Of course, be sure to do research too and to not use labels you can't reclaim/claim and stuff. I'm not an expert on them, but it's a point I like to make. Just be sure to look stuff up.

But like. Everyday titles, gendered or neutral. Your pronouns. That's up to you and what feels like it fits you. You don't have to fit into a narrow definition. "Transgender" has always had a broad, loose definition, 'cause it's not about adhering to the gender binary.

Personal anecdote, my gender for me is often abstractly related to machinery. It's genuinely hard to put into words, but it brings me comfort and validation to think of my body and identity as machine-like. It's just about what's right for you. Good luck with your soul searching! Thanks for reaching out! Happy trans day of visibility!

[ask-artsy-oncie]

I was gonna make a big long post about gender last night but I got really high and fell asleep before I could do that

Talking about gender and genitals below

I still am genderfluid. But I realized a few days ago that my type of genderfluidity is less feminine than I used to think. I think it's a lot like how I described Louie's gender, for those who have been following me for the DT17 fandom, where like, the fluidity is between boy, agender, and demi-girl. At the time I didn't realize that was how I felt about my own gender.

But I've been thinking about it and demi-girl really does best describe how I relate to womanhood. I was thinking how fucking upset and dysphoric being called a "woman" is, but I tried thinking of myself as a "nonbinary woman" (which is a term I remember Rebecca Sugar using to describe themself, not sure if it still is) and things felt a lot more comfortable, a lot more right.

Being called "she" makes me upset and tired, but I think that's mostly because I'm SICK of being misgendered at work (which double-sucks because that's the only place where I wear a pronoun pin) and I'm a little more sure that I'd be fine with it if people actually respected me. I'm leaving it in my pronouns. But there's a reason I put "he" and "they" first.

I very much want to be seen as like. A feminine man. A prettyboy. But also someone who you question the gender of like 90% of the time. I dunno how better to describe it. It would be nice to use the men's restroom without fear, also.

I think one of the biggest reasons I clung to femininity is that my bottom dysphoria is MASSIVELY fluid. Some days I want a dick so bad it makes me want to die because I wasn't born with one. Those days are fewer and far between now that I'm not a teenager anymore, but I do still get days where I just wish I was born with a cock. But a lot of the time I'm comfortable with the genitals I was born with, and honestly I really would like to get pregnant and have at least one child someday. And I've gotten more comfortable with my genitals the more and more I've seen people sexualize trans men of all different transitional stages, kind of normalizing guys having pussies and still being guys. I remember not wanting to even TOUCH tguy porn when I was younger because of my bottom dysphoria, but now I seek it out by default. I want to see guys with scars and pussies in my porn, it makes me so much more comfortable.

I think I'm more fluid in how I feel about my genitals than how I actually feel about my gender, is what I'm getting at. Being able to recognize that sometimes I wanna be a man with a cock and sometimes a man with a pussy (though sometimes I feel feminine and want a cock, those feelings have definitely happened). I think that's why I consider myself a trans man rather than just non-binary (though I do still consider myself non-binary). Why I consider myself mlm.

I'm happy to have figured things out a little more. My lables haven't really changed at all but I know a little more about myself.

[idontchara]

hey there my beautiful lovely wonderful people who r mutuals/follow me this has nothing to do w yall dw. I just need to yell for a moment bc I'm annoyed ONCE AGAIN at fandom nonsense

terfs/truscum fuck off you're not wanted here and will be blocked, id rather not waste either of our times

for the love of fuck can we stop headcanoning literally only the characters that defy gender roles trans-the-"opposite"-gender-they're-defying-the-roles-of because I'm at my wits fuckin end over here. or can we headcanon them as trans the gender they identify as?????

I'm not saying trans headcanons are bad, the character of the day this is about  I actually headcanon as a trans man (though it's grossly pervasive in fandom space with so many more I can yell about). But can we not look at a man with long hair and go "ah woman." or a man/enbie person who wears specifically ambiguous styles and refers to themselves mostly ambiguously as something other than they self ID bc "oh well obviously their gender is blah blah blah." like those r two different characters who I've seen people just immediately gone "oh trans woman" over nothing but surface characteristics (ok the first applies to like 7 different men tbh). one was even canonically a trans dude! I've seen it happen to transfem and transfem coded characters albeit much less, but I'm not denying it happens, just that I can't really think of any specific ones rn.

ah fuck wait I thought of another non-binary canon slew of characters. there's one fandom that's really notorious for assigning genders to different characters based off of the pronouns they use in Japanese DESPITE the series being very clear in telling you that the "species" (it's complicated without naming the media) has moved so far beyond human society and everything we know that they DONT have genders. them using Boku or Ore or watashi is a subtle way of pointing to how they feel about themselves not in a gender way. Boku and ore pop out more when they're being tough or arrogant. but no, everyone constantly misgenders damn near the entire cast and it suckssssss

please I'm begging u to stop the fucking gender essentialism especially in media that specifically tries to avoid making characters fit in a gender box

I'm gonna bite some fucking fingers off I s2g

TL;DR u can headcanon whoever u want as whatever u want but like also please take a moment to look internally from time to time and self examine. if u literally only ever put characters into boxes that are stereotypes of gender/sexuality/race pls consider your biases and maybe consider reevaluating. men can have long hair. women can have unshaved legs. men can wear dresses/skirts. women can wear suits only. nonbinary people don't owe you androgyny either while we're at it. let people use pronouns that don't "fit" their gender! stop parroting gender essentialism into your trans headcanons bc that's also terf shit! let people express gender in ways that doesn't force them into a neat little box. thanks for listening

edited tldr to my tldr bc I'm bad at being succinct; there is a difference between subtext/coding of a character and just going "oh so and so has surface level traits of x so obviously they're x duh"

[danganfan42069]

Why i hc Chihiro as transfem (but also think that nb and transmasc hcs are pretty neat too!)

A few warnings first, since you're here to read it I recommend reading these paragraphs extra to avoid stress for you and me :)

To be honest I'm not posting my opinion with the intention of changing someone's opinion or starting some kind of debate, I just want to express my opinion and that's all. It's like a public diary, it's one of the definitions of a blog after all ^_^

This isn't exactly a theory or an attempt to change anyone's mind and I know that none of this is canon and most likely not intended as I see it. I'm just want to talk in more detail about my headcanons and my lines of thoughts on them.

I already made a post with a carrd and article about transfem Chihiro and I also made a post about what I disagree with, now I would like to make a post that would be the parts that I agree with carrd and more other opinions of mine about it. (I will mostly use she/her for Chihiro since I hc her as transfem)

I see a lot of people talking that they think Chapter 2 had great critics about gender stereotypes and... I have to disagree.

In my interpretation I understood that Chihiro thinks that feminine = weakness, fragile lack of strength and that's it. And then she wants to become strong by running away from everything feminine.

This thought was never refuted and it was never explicitly established that women can also be strong, we have Sakura but she is seen as an exception and still doubted that she is a (cis) woman.

About this part, it seems to me that the writers simply have this transphobic mindset and see trans people as insecure with their own gender (this art could explain it in better words) or think that trans people are lying to everyone about their gender (when in reality is opposite, we feel like we are lying when we are in the closet and saying we identify with agab)

Just like I said before, it feels like the transphobic mindset where trans people are lying and insecure and being "just a phase"

And Mondo is a great ally (yes he killed her but it wasn't out of transphobia but an attack of anger and stress) and tried his best to keep Chihiro's secret

One thing I see a lot is people saying that hc Chihiro as transfem is erasing her entire backstory but it's important to remember that her backstory is completely fictional and nothing like this has ever happened in real life. Chihiro doesn't exist, but the people (mostly trans) who relate to her (the transcoded part of the character, I mean) exist.

This is why many people "reclaim" or hc Chihiro as transfem, transmasc and/or nonbinary. Chihiro is a very transcoded character, whether intentionally or not.

Despite not having Chihiro's hc be non-binary or transmasc, I understand where they're coming from. I can only remember the song Am I a Girl by Poppy for the non-binary headcanon. And for transmasc it's a cool interpretation too (still has the problem but feminine=weak but I'm sure whoever has this hc re-imagines that part in a non-sexist way) where Chihiro kinda comes out of the closet in chapter 2 to Mondo and wants to be himself. As I said before, Chihiro is a very trans coded character, like it or not, then every interpretation that trans people have about this character is valid. People can relate to this in a lot of very different ways and that's ok.

To me, anything is more interesting and makes more sense than a cis man in the closet. This is too nonsense to me. I know there are many things in the game that are also nonsense but I have my personal limits like everyone else (Ps: Not saying that whoever has the hc of Chihiro being a cis man is invalid because this is canon lol, its just not my cup of tea)

In summary, I have this headcanon of her being transfem because from the beginning she is presented as a woman and in all the merchs she continues to be treated as such, so that's what makes the most sense to me. Maybe if it was established that feminine doesn't equal weakness, maybe she would stay the same. And just look at the picture of her with her dad! He supports her unconditionally! It's a very beautiful thing to see and makes me happy.

I like to look at this scene as if someone were misgendering her, she wouldn't mind.

Edit: I found an excellent post that makes some great points too, here are some highlights:

[weiszklee]

This whole debate on whether or not "transmisogyny exempt" (TME) versus "transmisogyny affected" (TMA) is a useful concept always seemed to me like the sort of inconsequential intra-trans-community quibbling which is best left ignored, especially by outsiders like myself. But I'm afraid I have formed an opinion on the matter and must now subject y'all to it, so here goes.

Julia Serano, who coined the term "transmisogyny", has mostly been vague on the issue, for example here:

they seem like potentially useful non-binary- and non-identity-based ways of discussing the phenomenon. But I’m admittedly not familiar with everything that others are saying or claiming under this newer rubric, so there may potentially be some points of disagreement. 

Or in a twitter threat where as an indirect response to the debate she linked an older piece of hers about who faces cissexism (Spoiler: yes cis people can be targeted by cissexism, but please read the whole essay because the contextualisation and nuances she adds are important, even if you have to increase the zoom of your browser a bit to cope with the small font size). But I especially recommend reading a more recent one of hers on sexual stigma, mostly for being a refreshingly clear example of discussing transmisogyny without falling into dichotomizing patterns.

I basically see "trans misogyny exempt" as an unfortunate reversal of the conceptual development that the word transmisogyny represents. Transmisogyny is a very careful and exact concept (something you come to appreciate when you've been disillusioned one too many times by overly grand theories), it is literally only a way to talk about specific stigma which a specific group of people experiences. Sure, the edges are fuzzy, but that's about as good as it gets with social theories, and the fuzzy edges don't matter much, because the concept is not really about delineation. You can point to phenomena which are definitely transmisogyny, and you can point to phenomena which definitely aren't, and that's good enough. The word enables you to do theoretical work by quickly pointing to a defined grouping of experiences so that you can analyze the content and history and effect of those experiences.

This is a big step up from theories of privilege or theories of an oppressor-oppressed-dynamic, which are often oversimplified to the point of being distorting. Theories of stigma are just better suited for talking about the experiences of sexual and gender minorities (and many others), because thinking in terms of stigma makes it easier to conceptualise social costructedness, overlap, conditional acceptance, intra-community hierarchies, weaponization of shame, and so on.

Meanwhile "TME", when it isn't being used to silence certain opinions (for which purpose it is perfectly suited, but I hope we can all agree that this isn't very aspirational), has much narrower explanatory power. Probably there are some phenomena out there which can most easily be explained by referring to the circumstance of some people being TME, granted. But overall, if you know that I am exempt from transmisogyny, you actually know very little about me, so it can't explain very much. So why then is talk about it so widespread? Why do (for example) nonbinary people feel the need to clarify whether they're TME in the same breath as mentioning they're nonbinary? Sure, this fits into the general standpoint epistemology that is so unfortunately popular nowadays, but I'm not convinced that that's all there is to it.

An annoying hunch of mine of course tells me that this is all downstream of the misguided ~mid-20th-century fad to try and apply Marxist class analysis to things which aren't classes in the Marxist sense: Every instance of suffering needs an "oppressor class" to benefit from it, so if transmisogyny is a thing, then it must be those evil TMEs behind it. Like a pathological version of that Haruki Murakami quote: "I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning."

But I'd probably have to read a lot more before I could possibly assert this with any amount of certainty, so it remains a hunch for now.

[opossumanon]

No bad intentions, gender is personal, and all that; but wouldn’t identifying as a gay man and lesbian woman at the same time mean you’d be a bi-gender (or polygender if it’s more than man + woman) bisexual/romantic?

I've been asked this question before, and it's a valid question I can see where people would come to this conclusion, so I'm gonna try to explain being a fagdyke in the simplest* way I can.

*When it comes to gender I'm gonna end up mostly talking about the "typical" binary of man/woman. Just to clarify I'm not purposefully erasing nonbinary people and everyone else outside of this binary, it's just that I feel like if I try to get into any genders outside of man/woman then I might confuse people on accident. The same goes for sexuality, as in I'll just be talking about attraction to men vs attraction to women.

First, let's talk the sexuality aspect.

To me, the difference between being gay + lesbian and being bisexual is how the attraction to genders interacts with itself. When I think bisexual, I think of someone who is x gender who is attracted to both men and women as x gender. Refer to the chart below.

As a fagdyke, however, I experience this a little differently. I am attracted to men, but only in a "man" way. I am also attracted to women, but only in a "woman" way. They coexist very happily, but they're technically disconnected. Refer to the chart below.

The gender aspect is more complicated. I've actually asked myself the question of "what's stopping me from being bigender" a lot, and the best answer I got is that bigender is JUST gender, bi(sexual/romantic) is JUST sexual/romantic orientation, and being a fagdyke is a mix. To me, fagdyke isn't just a sexual/romantic orientation or just a way of feeling gender, it's both.

Gender and sexuality are gonna be different for everybody, as I think you said in your ask. I'm autistic, so I know that the way I experience and describe these things is gonna be different than how a non-autistic person would. I hope that I've done a decent job in spite of that, and I sincerely apologize if I haven't.

The next best thing I can do if you're still confused is to recommend that you check out the fagdyke tag here on tumblr. I accidentally encountered a post on it some time ago which was what led to me realizing I'm a fagdyke in the first place. Also, there's enough of us who make posts describing our individual takes on it that you'd be more likely to find one that answers your questions. I'm also gonna invite other fagdykes to add on to my post here in case there's anything I may have missed that they feel is important.

Thanks for the curiosity anon, have a good night.

(Edit: FUCK ANON I FORGOT TO WARN YOU there's a lot of people that put nsft stuff in the fagdyke tag. I can't do anything about it. Sorry in advance and be ready to block some other tags if you decide to venture into that territory)

[genderqueerdykes]

I’m questioning whether I’m non binary or genderqueer, and I’m getting so much conflicting information.

I know a lot of it is down to personal preference of terms to use - just wondering what you see the differences being? (as my go-to queer support page <3)

as someone who identifies primarily as and describes their entire gender as "genderqueer", i really, really, really appreciate this ask!

genderqueer is my all time favorite queer term n that's the term i used when i came out!

the cool part is there is no difference between the two terms! Genderqueer was one of the first catchall umbrella terms used to describe any and all gender variant, gnc, crossdressing, transgender, etc. people who felt the experience suited them. genderqueer was an umbrella for gender variant people before nonbinary came around, but the cool part is they can mean the same thing.

there's not really a difference between the two, tbh! i use them interchangeably- i tell people i am nonbinary mostly because it's easiest for people to understand. it's the term that has taken the community by storm and it's one that even strangers know sometimes. i use it to mean the same thing as genderqueer when around people who don't get it, and also, i use it to describe some of my entire genders.

but i also use genderqueer as a gender, as well. nonbinary and genderqueer can both be used as descriptors, but also genders in and of themselves. genderqueer has no requirements whatsoever- you do not have to be a drag queen, or someone who is visibly trans. you do not have to wear makeup and men's clothing, or anything like that.

i've had some people tell me i'm not "really" genderqueer because in some of my photos, i am very femme and don't wear a lot of masculine clothing. my outfits are genderqueer because i am genderqueer- every genderqueer person defines the experience. there's literally no requirements whatsoever. you do not have to present a certain way to identify as genderqueer. you don't have to change anything about yourself to be genderqueer

basically, they are two umbrella terms that can and often do overlap heavily and can mean similar or even the same thing depending on who is describing their experience. they are still distinct enough to be separate, and many people will tell you you have to blur the lines between genders or break down boundaries to be genderqueer, but you don't!

i hope that makes sense. basically, genderqueer was the umbrella term for gender variant people before nonbinary became popular, and they can mean similar or varying things for certain individuals. it depends on who's experiencing it, but there are no requirements for either identity- they can be so similar they're overlapping or so different they can't be identified easily. it's complicated and simple at a the same time.

tl;dr there's no rules, it's mainly down to preference! hope that helps! take care, thank you so much for the kind remark we appreciate it! stay safe, feel free to stop by again!

[buniipo]

Hello

I'm not sure if you have posted about this topic already

I am nonbinary and have been learning German for awhile now and I am looking to move to german in the next two years. As someone who is nonbinary what has your experience in Germany been? I have heard mixed things about how accepting they are of nonbinary folks.

If this ask is too personal or you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore

I hope you have a wonderful day!

hi! sorry about this (very) late reply as i’ve been off tumblr for a while, but i’d be happy to tell you my experience!

Overall, I’ve had no issues. I am more masculine/neutral presenting, and only people close to me (and my online profiles) actually know I identify as nonbinary. When I started working in Germany, I wasn’t very comfortable sharing my identity as I’ve heard of the mixed feelings for nonbinary people. I was lucky my job had a large number of queer employees, and I could hear how they talked about gender. Many seemed perfectly fine with trans folks, but I’m not sure how many even knew of non-binary as a term. I didn’t share I was non-binary until I was talking about it with a coworker from the US. That’s when I was told there was some talk among them wondering if I was trans, but no one asked me about it.

I think it will depend on what city you’re in & who you interact with. I’ve never had a stranger ask me or give me trouble, as people tend to mind their business and mostly just stare (but Germans stare at everyone, no matter what, you get used to it). If you have any medical needs or take hormones, there are doctors you can go to, it’s just a matter of finding the right one - likely in bigger cities.

[katielovably]

My type is:

-cosplayer: they're cool and amazing mainly but also they're shape-shifts they can be whoever they want (so cool) also just to learn to join them because I seen other couples do it and it seems cute

-goblin/crowcore : again they're cool and we can collect rocks and other knick-knacks because that's cool also walking threw the woods are amazing but having someone who also would like walking threw woods or just hiking would be cool

- cat / animals lover :I have a cat and she is my Bean and my world. nothing will make me get rid of her)

-artist :I like doing art it's doesn't matter what is. It's interesting. To have someone with similar interests

- i am neptunic meaning  I only like nonbinary and female genders : I grew up in a rural community and men are... redneck and it's to much also I just don't talk to guys likeI do women (my experience is only threw work... I haven't dated yet but talked to people) also I'm the only "girl" (I'm non-binary) in my family so just some difference.

-easy to talk to : I'm shy. Like I have people I just conversation vomit too where others I'm quite until I get they start the conversation... I would like to trust my partner and have them trust in me

-any body type :thin or curvy. I don't mind. Trust me I have curves and chub. I.... I mean I don't like myself in the mirror but that's woman's marketing baby. But I don't mind it on others

-Gamer/ board gamer?: I like playing games (mostly minecraft but I played Mario cart and smash bros... I'm not good at smash but I still enjoy playing) and I enjoy playing board games but we don't do it enough also I have no one to play with (ok that sound like a whiny child) except for brothers ( and you can only play against someone so many times) but I play other games too just need to know how to play. Also I'm used to losing or not knowing what I'm doing but I do get full of myself when I win because it's rare and i come from a competitive family who allows winning to get to their heads. But mostly, it's just fun. Also I never played DND but it would be interesting to play.

- I take pictures: I take pictures of Bean, scenery and my co-workers at my summer job a few years back (but they don't like it) but I see a picture opportunity and try to take it (mostly when the thing I'm talking a picture of moves it does ruining it) so I'll probably try to take pictures of my partner.... if they allow

I tend to say sorry about everything: I will say sorry more than anyone. Even over things I don't have control over. I cower when yelled at... or argue back but that's rare because I don't like conflict and my go to is apologizing.

I have a lot of things wrong with me: I studded (I hate it), I have things mentally wrong (I don't know what because even though I say I will like to figure out what's wrong... I don't and life goes on 👍), I have trauma may it be from my home life or my school life I been scared. I might have dyslexia, I swear words gets me all the time. I get spooked easily but I tend to jump, get away from what scared me then laugh at myself or just freeze, and try to get out of the situation. I have socal anxiety (I think) my brain spirals and I'm stressed and panic in different social situations or if something goes wrong (I also beat myself over it) or just talk it out if something traumatic happens (usally sounding mad whenI do. So a partner who can calms me and supports me is a must

I don't know what this is. maybe I'm just shooting my shot and get a Tumblr partner. Why not. That would interesting, right.

Thank you for reading this train wreck of a post and having a great day

[shifting-motives]

I thought about not making this rant because I can admit I'm just not patient about people acting in ways that personally annoy me in general, But... (And I must preface I'm not calling out specific people, I'm disappointed by anyone who does this)

Every time one of the Cis Gays & Bis I watch on YouTube addresses one of the ""newer"" (Hint: we've been here, visibly online and irl, for a long enough time, not an excuse) queer identities, for ex. asexuals or nonbinary people since I'm both, in an apprehensive, clearly out of touch way? I get a bit more sick of having to just live with that.

It's embarrassing, it's annoying and most of all disappointing. It doesn't matter why someone does it. It still feels like I'm being alienated in my own community. It's 2023. If you're Still mostly only mingling in one of the more "well-established" queer identities subgroups, you NEED to talk to more people in your own community that are outside of your circle and get rid of being Still confused or otherwise weird about fellow lgbtq+ people due to some subconscious stuff You have.

It's a meme, but I'd literally rather be called a slur. Than to hear another cis gay or bi man address other identities in a fun little 'fellow lgbt's' shoutout normally, and then talk to me in some cringy cutesy way like I'm 3 or in the way out of touch cringy allies talk to gay people. Stop it. It comes across so damn infantalizing and condescending when you single us out in the name of "support" but just pretty much call us "special" in a way that overshoots 'affectionate' into sounding belittling. We're grown adults just like the cis binary & allosexual (non-asexual) queers you're for some reason capable of being more normal about.

Fix it. No more "ouhhhh I dunno how to talk about or to you guys bc I can't personally relate enoughhhh but u know i love u teehee" vibes, please. I'm sick of it. Literally rather address us like we're boring.

[butchbarbieagainstterfs]

Hey! Had a question 😅 (going anonymous for obvious reasons)!

So I am afab but I think I'm non-binary. While i appreciate dresses, makeup and other designated 'feminine interests' I never ever did those in an effort of performing feminity of sorts but just because I felt some clothes looked better on me than other kinds. However, being refered to as a cisgender woman just feels..."not me" sometimes. As in, it just doesnt feel complete. Because I've always felt like I stood somehwere beyond the whole gender spectrum. But I don't want to change my pronouns from she/her to anything else because I'm too used to being referred to that way. Am I still valid as a non-binary person? Even if my androgyny isn't nearly as blatant as most other people's?

(Sorry if this comes out weird but I had to ask someone and thought you might know about this better than the others 😓)

Yes you are completely valid! Gender is just how you view yourself, not about pronouns or clothes.

I’m similar to you! I’m afab and nonbinary and while I’m mostly masc, I do like dressing up “girly” sometimes. And while I go by he/him online, I don’t enforce that irl and am okay with she/her 🤷🏻 probably in part bc, like you, it’s what I’m used to hearing.

If you view yourself as nonbinary, you’re nonbinary! Nothing else matters ❤️