#i know im still inactive but please forgive me!!!

[basketobread]

PLEASE i feel like i'm re-sharing more fan art than i am creating my own art HAHAHA thank you guys sooooo much for all your generosity!! seriously, i CANNOT thank you all enough!! 😭❤🙏

[ashlynlovestlou]

omg omg omg, can you please do abby and reader trying out the tabs chocolate to see who breaks first?? 😔🙏🙏🙏🙏

hi!! my power is out so this is kind of rushed. hope you guys enjoy! (also im so so so sorry for being inactive, but i'm back now!)

masterlist

daily click

links to help palestine

☆.｡.:*

it was never supposed to be anything more than a gag-gift. ellie had given it to you and your girlfriend as a joke a few weeks ago at a group get-together, and you'd thought nothing of it. neither did abby. what were you supposed to think about a chocolate that makes you horny? nothing, you suppose.

now you were sitting across from one another on the floor of your shared living room, your legs folded beneath you. you decided to challenge one another, seeing who could go the longest without touching the other.

abby's hands are twitching, like she's on the verge of just grabbing you and fucking you right then and there. her strap is tucked away in her basketball shorts, and you could practically hear it calling your name.

so far you'd both lasted ten minutes without touching each other, and there was an obvious wet patch in your panties.

"no way you're winning this." you murmur at her, your voice broken from how bad you're aching to touch yourself. or her.

she doesn't say anything for a moment, and it's almost like you can see a drop of sweat trickle down her temple, "fuck, baby, wanna touch you so bad." she says back to you, "can't even imagine how wet you are right now."

you raise an eyebrow. little did she know, she just gave you a reason to tease her.

"i am." you respond, using that voice. the one you explicitly use during sex. the one that has her whimpering every time you speak. you even spread your legs a little bit, hoping she'd look down to see for herself.

she does.

she groans, her eyes drifting down to your crotch. she closes her eyes the minute she sees the mess you made through your shorts, her head lolling backwards, "shit."

"you can touch me, y'know. it's just a game." you say, still using that sultry voices

she looks down at you again, shaking her head, "not gonna lose to you. nice try though."

you sigh and roll your eyes, your impatience only growing with every second that her hands aren't all over you, "what if we just... touch each other at the same time? then neither of us would win or lose."

"baby, if we wanted to fuck that easily we would've." she chides.

"abby, come on." you groan, "this is stupid."

she stares at you for a moment, weighing her options. she's still desperate to touch you, that much hasn't changed. but the whole point of this game was to see who could go the longest. it doesn't take her long to make up her mind.

"fuck it." she says, practically leaping at you, crashing her plush lips into yours. she swallows every moan you elicit, ripping your clothes off your body.

no, literally, she ripped your shirt in half.

"sorry, sweetheart. i'll buy you a new one, i promise." she says, giving you no time to object before kissing you again, she unclips your bra more delicately, her grabby hands wasting no time in squeezing at whatever parts of your breasts her hands could find. abandoning your left breast, she snakes her hand in between the two bodies, her fingers stripping off your denim shorts skillfully. once you're left in only your panties she leans back to take in the full view, whistling lowly.

you smile, reaching up and tugging on the sleeve of her shirt that sits snugly at her large bicep, "wanna see you too."

she smirks down at you, laying you down on your back, your bare skin relaxing against the soft carpet, "anything for you, princess." she says before stripping off her own shirt. how unfair of her to preserve her own clothes but not yours. but you forgive her easily once you lay your eyes on her toned torso.

she takes her shorts off in the process too, her strap flinging out like it was waiting for you. she takes one of her careful hands and resting it on your tummy, asking you for permission, to which you nod.

she carefully reaches her hands into your panties, her fingers finding their place over your folds. her middle finger rubs in between them for a few times before she groans, "already this wet? i dont even think she needs my fingers. already lubed up for me."

you whimper at her words and she gives you that smug, lopsided smile that you loved so much, "i'll give her what she needs. just sit tight."

she takes your panties off, slowly pulling them down your legs and peppering kisses all over your face while she does it. she did this same routine the first time the two of you ever had sex. you were nervous, and this was her way of distracting you to make you feel better. and now she does it every time, like it's her natural habit.

once you're completely naked she spreads your legs a bit wider, slotting herself in between them and rubbing your thighs reassuringly, "so pretty." she mutters to herself as she looks you over one last time before inserting herself inside of you.

you take her inch by inch, closing your eyes and moaning consistently until she bottoms out. once she's done she freezes, letting you adjust, "everything feel okay? doesn't hurt, does it?"

you shake your head, "doesn't hurt. m' okay."

she nods, bending down to kiss your forehead before slowly pulling out and pushing it in. out, in. out in, out in. until she has a steady rhythm.

she holds you intimately, completely contrasting the savage beast she was earlier. but abby was always gentle. good at taking care of you, and good at making sure you were okay afterwards. she knew the difference between harder, faster, and deeper, and she knew all the right spots. she'd watch your face for any sign of discomfort or pain. and when she didn't see any, she'd shower you with affection.

she whimpers with every thrust of her hips, the base of the strap bumping against her clit. she kisses your neck like she's tucking herself away into you, one of her hands reaching down to gentle rub your bundle of nerves. you both stay in this position until her hips stutter, "y' almost close?"

you nod, eyes closing.

she keeps doing what she's doing, pinching and pulling at your clit until you're shaking underneath her, moaning louder than before. she fucks you through it, her pace slowing down the longer your orgasm draws out.

once your high is finally over she kisses your cheek, "m' never playing that stupid game again."

you laugh into her shoulder, "probably for the best."

she smiles before lifting off of you a bit, "you okay if i pull out?"

you nod your head, whining whenever she does pull out, leaving you empty.

she flops down beside you with zero grace, catching her breath, "i love you." she murmurs.

"i love you too." you whisper back.

[alive-but-dead-ah]

A few news that might or might not be important

Hey guys, sorry for the inactivity. I have been pretty busy since stuff is happening irl and has me distracted. But overall I'm stable, excluding some issues that happened to us during the time we were AFK.

So here, the bullet points of my current state and some info:

The novel is being worked on, with currently 859 words from a single chapter. Illustrations are yet to be decided, but since I have been busy with irl issues it has been very slow.

Commissions are still open! Im working on one, actually. But because of irl issues they're gonna be a bit slow.

Now this part is personal for me, which is coming out of my shell for something that i just found out. Please bear with me...

So after a few thoughts and analysis I found out two things. Let's start with the obvious one: i am a traumagenic system. I found this out during a lot of analysis and thoughts, and it sounds like I have issues that caused my system. Meaning, there's a very high chance I might have some sort of OSDD, or P-DID. I don't really know, but I do know it was bad.

Will this stop me from being pro endo? No! Im fact, this only proves me that there's a bit of truth on both anti and pro sides— trauma is there, whether it caused the system or not. I always thought this situation was black or white. Regardless, it is what it is. Im happy that i found out my system is and has been here to protect me...

The second point i want to touch is a tad more complicated, so please... PLEASE correct me and help me understand it better. DO NOT HATE. If someone has something to say, please communicate it respectfully. These days have been harder than it should, especially after this new.

There's a very high chance I have NPD. Or at least NPD traits. I always thought my seeking of approval and need of recognition was just low self esteem. That it stemmed from just wanting to feel heard. But i never paid attention to it, to my breakdowns, to my tears being shed every time i begged for forgivess, forgiveness i felt like i didn't need to give but still had to give to feel an ounce of someone saying "its okay". I felt desperate to get an ounce of recognition, even if it meant going back to people that hurt me. One of them was another narc. Im not going to go into details, because i personally believe that they had the total right since i was also horrible to them. There was a lot of misunderstanding, but that is my fault. The problem is... i don't feel guilty over it. I don't feel guilty over them hating me. I felt a rush, and while i was crying my eyes out and about to hurt myself... i still felt alive. After this i just want to be the best and prove those people that hurt me since my childhood that they are horrible and i am better than them. Even if it means to sabotage them.

NOT THAT IM ACTUALLY GOING TO SABOTAGE THEM. But you get the idea.

So... i feel like im broken over it. But ever since i looked it up on tumblr i realized im not the only one. I realized that my issues had a NAME.

Now, i don't like self diagnosis, so i have yet to see a doc... regardless, i might use the term...

Thanks for listening to me...

—Fumei

[grungeeuvu]

Hi hello <3

Thank you for making our day <3

Take this as a free pass to info dump ab anything you'd like :3 (not exactly in the post, but follow the sport not the word of the law <3333)

Glad you liked my ask!! :D

Im gonna go ahead and info dump about some ocs, so forgive me mutuals haha, I'll crop it dw

Anyways, below is the wip story of my ocs Isaac, Christopher and Robin. It's a looooooooooooooong document haha

WARNINGS AHEAD FOR S*ICIDE IDEATION THAT WON'T BE FULLY CENSORED i cant remember if that's a trigger for you, anx, so I'm warning you (and anyone else) here

tbh, anx, you may remember them a little from that server we're both on - i used to talk about them a lot in my channel before i kinda died and became inactive haha but THEY'RE BACK AND I LOVE THEM!!!!

This is going to be a liiiittle incoherent, simply because I'll be copypasting things over but I'm not very good at typing infodumps so please accept this haha

SO

we've got three brothers :)) Robin (13) and his older twin brothers, Isaac (16m, older twin) and Christopher (16m, younger twin)

Some photos/art for ref :)) Ftr, Christopher is also a massive redhead, like his twin, but for reasons I am about to explain, he dyes his hair brown at the beginning. Here's a colour of his two hair colours, in case that helps!! it's just a digital version of the headshot above but it looks very nice imo sooooo....

The brothers are orphaned - when the twins were barely two and Robin still a baby, they appeared on the steps of a foster care group home in the middle of the night. Despite police investigation into their heritage lasting for years, to the point where they tested the children's DNA, no blood relations could be found, alive or dead. At first, the brothers were raised in the group home due to the investigations taking place but, once the investigation is over, they still stay a little longer bc the workers are worried about separating them so soon, especially due to how attached the twins are to each other and Robin.

Sadly, this is the fatal flaw. Things begin to go very wrong in their relationship from this point on.

Isaac has very good memory and is able to recall absurdly specific events from ages ago: one of these memories is the memory of their parents waking them up late at night, a long journey, and then being left at the foster home. No one else remembers this and he ended up having every aspect of it questioned and drilled by investigators to the point he could recite it in his sleep. The fact no one else can remember this makes him feel isolated in his grief and then angry: why should he have to bear the burden of these final moments? why did he have to remember being abandoned? His mind is torn between old, comfortable memories of parents long ago, their betrayal and then the intimidating interrogation from police officers, and this only makes him furious. None of his brothers will know what he remembers, no matter how hard they try, it is a burden only he can carry alone. This feeling of isolation makes him grow angry and bitter. He starts distancing himself from not just his brothers but people in general about the age of six. Any foster home he gets put into, he's standoffish and avoidant at best, or aggressive and runs away at worst. Before he's even turned nine, they decide it's best to keep him in the foster care home until he 'levels out'. He's stayed in the group home since he was about eight and a half.

Christopher was doing alright until Isaac began to distance himself and cut him out. Almost immediately after their relationship suffered, Christopher's mental state took a huge blow. He'd stop talking entirely to people and would try hide away from mealtimes so he wouldn't have to see anyone. Out of concern for his mental health, he was kept in the group home, in his own room, while Isaac was being put in foster homes. The carers tried to keep Robin with him as best as possible so they'd bond but a flip had turned in Christopher's head. At age 9, he tried to run away in the middle of the night and get onto a road. Thankfully, someone saw him and called the police, sending him back. After that he was put through a lot of therapy sessions that he didn't really interact with, meaning he was now distanced from his brothers further. No one ever told Robin about the therapy or mental health issues. When Isaac returns permanately to the group home, the twins are made to share a room. Their relationship is permanently estranged. Through all this, Christopher ends up developing a lot of depression and anxiety, making him retreat further into a bubble until all most people can perceive is apathy.

Meanwhile, we have Robin. Too young to remember their parents and without Isaac's sharp memory, he only really recalls the group home. His earliest memories are of the twins loving and caring for him, but the next thing he knows is that neither talk to him. Like Isaac, he develops abandonment and rage issues, but they manifest differently. Isaac's rage and hatred is in the form of vitriol and cruel words - he's perfected the sneer+silent treatment -, whereas Robin comes out in shouting and trying to fight. He's younger and more emotional and, since no one really tells him shit, he's simply just really confused. For similar reasons to the twins, he isn't allowed to leave the group home either, and gets a room to himself (very small repurposed office) at the age of ten.

SO NOW WE'VE ESTABLISHD THAT THEYRE ESTRANGED, TIME FOR BEGINNING DYNAMICS!

ROBIN + ISAAC: They do not get along. Isaac, due to remembering being left, blames a lot of it on Robin, for an array of reasons (Robin caused financial issues, Robin was too much to look after, etc. He has no evidence for any of these claims but just wants something to blame it on). He thinks Robin is childish and stupid, so wastes little time on him. Robin views Isaac with a sense of hurt + fury: since Isaac was the eldest, he used to look up to him when they were growing up until he finally figured out Isaac was relentlessly cruel to him for no reason. He felt betrayed by this and bitterness turned to loathing. He argues with Isaac over nothing to try and prove a point, but this only increases Isaac's belief that he's stupid and immature.

ROBIN + CHRISTOPHER: There is a void where their relationship should be. They never spoke much as children, esp after Christopher began to go through confidential therapy. Robin's pissed about how all of Christopher's popular friends would bully him and Christopher, even when there, did nothing but watch. Meanwhile, Christopher doesn't know what to do with Robin - he's old enough now to want to reconnect but feels he's destroyed his own bridges long ago and can't figure out what to do about it. He has no idea what Robin likes/dislikes and deems it best to ignore these problems instead of addressing them, so they can remain in this bubble where Robin is 'happier' without his input. When Isaac and Robin fight, Christopher either leaves the room or just half-watches while on his phone: he's too scared of confrontation to stop the fight and feels none of them like him enough to care: he's partially convinced that they don't view him as their brother.

ISAAC + CHRISTOPHER: Used to be very close, due to being twins, but quickly fell apart when their mental issues played up and Isaac has to leave. When he returned, they'd both changed so much that they both saw the other as 'not who he used to be' and either despised it (Isaac) or wallowed in self-imposed grief over it (Chirstopher). As they got older, Isaac cut himself off from his peers, staying inside to play video games, and Christopher became popular, falling into crowds of people for some kind of social connection he was never brave enough to properly make. Although they share a room at the orphanage, they rarely talk to each other aside when it's necessary. They don't hate each other but they treat each other more as acquaintances than identical twins. However, after witnessing Christopher's suicide attempt at the age of 10 (nothing happened ftr, Isaac walked in on Christopher standing on a chair with a noose. they stared at each other then both silently packed everything away, never speaking a word of it again), Isaac is convinced it's his fault Christopher wants to die and believes he carries blame for it (this isn't true). While on the surface they seem fine, both are scared of addressing their issues or bringing up the trauma of their pasts, leaving their relationship half-solved and emotionally soulless.

Above is an ANCIENT robin and isaac comic from all the way back in 2022 - first comic i ever drew, fun fact :)) it's shit but I'm still fond of it!! planning to remake it one day :D

This isn't plot related, it's just a song analysis i did for Christopher back in 2022 which i still think about regularly :))

Be Nice To Me The Front Bottoms - annotated by Book One Christopher

I got boulders on my shoulders Collarbones begin to crack -Christopher slowly breaking under the pressure of being in a new world There is very little left of me And it's never coming back -This relates to how much he twisted himself to fit into the mould the popular people wanted, despite how much it killed him There are certain things you ask of me And there are certain things I lack In the beginning, we were winning But now I'm just making up facts -Him to Isaac: they used to be so close but not anymore and he has no idea what to do about it, except for pretending it's fine

What's it matter anymore? If you believe the lies I tell -Christopher feels like he doesn't need to seek help for his mental health if everyone believes he's fine and he digs himself a deeper hole There's no meaning to the words But we still sing these songs well If we all left it alone I'm sure it'd work itself out fine -Christopher's avoidance problem with his twin, his attitude of "if we don't address the distance and differences, they don't exist" We keep playing with the numbers We are running out of time We are running, we are running

But you're a killer And I'm your best friend -Christopher knowing how Isaac's so cruel, especially to Robin, and letting him get away with it Think it's unfair, your situation -Him scared to shout at Isaac bc he knows where he's coming from and what he remembers You say I'm changing Sorry, I didn't know I had to stay the same -Christopher dealing with Isaac's brutality with apology and sidestepping the problems Could we talk about this later? Your voice is driving me, driving me insane -Him just wanting to run away from it all and never have to bother with the stress Isaac puts on him when he lashes out

Well, I try to write you poems, but the words, they don't make sense -Christopher to Robin, struggling to express his sentiment and love My hand tries to grip the pencil, but the fingers are too tense -He tries to apologise to Robin but feels like he physically can't And I try to show emotion, but my eyes won't seem to wet -Him struggling to show even an ounce of emotion to Robin, despite caring about him a lot And I'd love to tell you stories, but I can't remember how they went -He wants to be there for him but, every time he tries, he messes up or fails one way or another, or just thinks he hasn't done it right You're a flashlight in a dark room for the loneliest blackout You were all we had left after it all was filtered out -Christopher views Robin so highly, despite the groggy and miserable world the three live in. He believes Robin is his and Isaac's greatest gift, even though he knows he's ruined it Turn you on in a dark room right before we both pass out Turn you on when I need you, but the batteries ran out -How he feels like he ignored Robin and, now even if he needs him, if he tried to talk to him he feels like Robin wouldn't respond or even care to look at him

They ran out and you're a werewolf and I'm a full moon -He knows Robin's angry and that his apparent apathy doesn't help, only firing his brother up more And all your very worst enemies will be gone soon -He knows Robin views him as an enemy and this is Christopher thinking over the suicide he wants so badly to commit I think you're changing Don't worry, you don't gotta stay the same -His desperateness to seem supportive to Robin, even if Robin's being self-destructive with his rage Could we talk about this later? Your voice is driving me, driving me insane -Robin's hostility and cruel words slowly making Christopher crumble and break down

ANYWAYS!!! i wont add anymore haha i feel bad for how long this is :')) TYSM FOR THE ASK!! IT MADE MY DAY!!

Maybe one day i'll put the plot down but for now, you just get the set up haha

[sweet-rintarou]

Ecstatic was the only word you could list in your head as you reread the message from Ushijima. There was nothing else that could describe your feelings in the very moment you received the text. The excitement rushed through your veins, igniting an adrenaline you haven’t felt aside from band related events. Thus, you found it difficult to fall asleep, the events of the next day occupying your thoughts. What will happen? Where will he take me? were questions that echoed through your mind as you stared at the ceiling of your apartment. 

Grateful for this to happen, you had finally stopped thinking about your quarrel with Semi, which had led to your in-the-heat-of-the-moment decision to quit the band. You didn’t want, of course, but in your head at that moment, that was the only thing you could do to shut him up. 

It’s true that he was the sole reason you had joined the band, as you both were a part of your campus orchestra before you dropped out of college. It was only after he heard you singing after hours that he approached you to join the band he was working on forming. You agreed because he was persistent and you didn’t want to continue studying accounting to work a 9-5 job in a boring office cubicle. 

Oh how things turned out. We barely rise in streams, our downloads aren’t doing too well either. Of course, you had your hardcore fans that have stuck with you through these years, but even they could do only so much. Admittedly, your band was lacking in creativity with the music--you’ve stuck with the same concept and haven’t released anything different. You’d describe Silver Lining’s music to fall similar to bands like 5 Seconds of Summer during their Don’t Stop era. Sticking with guitar riffs, hard beats and not much space for your vocals to shine. 

That is, until you had worked on “flower drug”. 

“I mean, I did work on it because I wanted to talk to Ushijima...” You had once told yourself, realizing that the melody of the music was to please the ears of the stoic florist, but you had grown to like this concept. It was refreshing. 

You were hoping that with “flower drug” it would be Silver Lining’s big break. Instead, you needed a break. And Ushijima was going to help you with that. 

-

It was warm. The sun shown brightly, barely any clouds in sight and yet, a cool breeze accompanied the heat. You checked your phone for the umpteenth time since you woke up, seeing that it was still ten minutes before 12, and you were already standing in front of his store. Unsure whether to walk in or not, since you were yet to learn if he was the type to appreciate one for being early or scowl because this wasn’t the time he agreed on, you stood awkwardly outside. 

“Y/N?” Jumping in surprise, you turned around to see none other than Semi standing before you. Still a bit hurt by his words, you glared. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, your tone involuntarily sharp. 

“I should be asking you the same thing,” he said, despite his words, his tone was soft and almost... scared? Your brows knitted together. “I was going to see Wakatoshi... you?”

Sighing, letting your shoulders relax a bit. “I’m meeting with him as well.”

“Oh? For what?”

“It’s really none of your business,” you couldn’t help but tell him. “I finally have a friend outside of the band.” You didn’t mean to sound so aggressive, and you immediately regretted it by seeing the guilty look that took over his features. 

“Look, I’m really sorry for the things I said,” he began, “I know I was being butt-hurt for absolutely no reason, and you were just trying to help out the band... I was just being too sensitive.”

“I was being sensitive, too,” you muttered, but he didn’t hear. 

He continued, “Will you forgive me? And... come back to the band?” 

A small smile adorned your lips. “I will forgive you... And I will come back,” you assured him, his eyes shined with hope, “but not now...” He frowned right after the words left your mouth, eyes casted down. “I just need some time for myself.”

“I understand,” he nodded, sending you a reassuring smile, although his eyes showed immense regret. “We’ll wait for you.” You both shared a smile, approaching one another. 

“Y/N? Semi?” The both of you paused, arms stretched out for a hug, and heads slowly turned to see Ushijima standing by the doorway of his store in confusion. 

Both your arms went down immediately, Semi reaching to scratch the back of his neck. 

“Hello,” you greeted at the same time Semi said, “‘Sup.” 

“Hello Y/N,” Ushijima greeted you first, then looked to his silver-haired friend, “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you...” His eyes glanced between the two of you. “... But I see you’re busy, so I’ll just talk to you another time.” Without another word, Semi spun around and speed-walked away. Ushijima could only blink in confusion. 

You cleared your throat to rid of the awkward tension, gaining his attention. “Are you ready to go?” 

He nods once, “Yes. Follow me.”

silver lining | w. ushijima smau

previous | masterlist | next

part twelve

—ecstatic

author's note: thank you so much for 200 followers ^^ i hope y'all enjoy your stay heree!! next will be a written format as well. im finally almost done with my midterms but fck is this semester getting harder 😔😔 please forgive me for my inactiveness..

taglist: @alienvarmint @amberisnotcrazy @naughtylittleweeb @tycrackculture @someone-you-dontknow @iloveyouasmuchaspoohloveshoney @stargirlara @brownsugartease-blog @leviathans-watching @kenjiru @ushiwakaismybae @elianetsantana @kagebunshiin @koushiwrites @jillanaholland @wannakeillmyself @bokuto-buns @smolcactusqwq @ihateccmber @changkyun-not @mischevious-pixie (send an ask if you want to be added)

[qawsslate]

newbies

another nct drabble, short story, one shot, scenario? 

genre: fluff probs

tw: none

pairing: Renjun & reader

a/n: idk bro read at ur own risk, i used google translate for a thing but im hoping it makes sense in the context, feel free to interact :)) 

____

"Renjun-ah it’s fine. You, of all people, know how forgiving she is.”

“Ya! Haechan, don’t say it like that. Renjun-ah it looks really nice she’ll love it.”

Haechan and Jeno were gathered in Renjun and Jisung’s shared bedroom attempting to calm the nerves of the older Dream member. He had just finished a painting he had been working on for the last month in prepation for Valentine’s Day. He knew you weren’t expecting anything as in Korea, the traditional practice was for the girl in the relationship to give the guy chocolates, but neither of you were big on the specifics of things like that. You both shared the sentiment of holidays but were also practical in the ways you gave gifts to each other. Last Christmas, Renjun had given you a new winter coat since the one you’ve been using since your teenager years had begun to literally tear at the seam. You often brushed off his nagging of buying a new coat with protests of the coat still doing its job. 

“Renjun, the coat is fine. I’m still perfectly warm” 

“Y/n, I can see the thread that’s keeping the arm sleeve attached to the rest of it hanging off. I bet if I pull it the whole thing would fall apart. Here let me show you.” 

He reached down and pretended to yank the thread which prompted you to gasp in amused disbelief.

“Ya! Don’t you dare! Did you really pull it off?”

You looked down at your arm trying to assess if in fact the fabric on your body was still a piece of wearable clothing.  

He laughed and just embraced you in a hug.

He had followed up the new winter coat with a flower plushie you had commented that was cute a week ago in a shop, his favorite scented candle so you could be reminded of him when he was away on a schedule, a neck massager because he thought you spent too much time at your desk, an insulated bottle so you would drink more water and not coffee, a polaroid camera for the memories and random Chinese snacks you really liked. He was very practical yet considerate, and it made your heart swell. You almost cried thinking all of it was too much and he had to hold your face in is hands and make you look at him so he could tell you that you were worth it. 

What you didn’t know that he also wanted to gift you with a necklace but second guessed himself too much to the point where he took the small box out of the pile of gifts only minutes before he gave you the heap of presents. Mark was the only member he told about the necklace beforehand but Renjun unfortunately had forgotten to inform his loveable hyung of his inaction, a problem that presented itself the morning after Christmas.

“Y/n! Merry-day-after-Christmas! How was Christmas with Renjunnie? Did you like the necklace?”

You, Mark, and Renjun had been sitting at the Dream dorm kitchen table eating leftovers from the small dinner Jaemin had made at 3am. Thankfully the rest of the boys were still asleep so the damage could still be contained. Renjun choked on the green tea he had been drinking but quickly recoverd.

“Neck massager hyung. The Korean word for neck massager is 목 마사지기. Ahhh, it’s because he’s a foreigner.”

Renjun laughed a little too forcibly and tried to signal to Mark as much as humanly possible without bursting a vein that the necklace gift was aborted. By some Christmas miracle, Mark had somehow picked up on the hint and quickly corrected himself. He even added a white lie to support the neck massager fib, quickly sputtering that he had helped Renjun pick out a neck massager with the recommnedations from his mom, his aunt, his grandmother, and his cousin who was some sort of professional massager. You answered honestly that you had yet to put it to use as you forgot to charge it last night. You weren’t sure if it was the happiness hangover or lack of sleep after Christmas Day that made you think Mark and Renjun were acting strange, but you became distracted from dwelling on their behavior as Haechan and Jisung came into the kitchen. The mood quickly shifted and Renjun felt like he could breathe for the first time in what felt like an hour. You had become preoccupied in helping Jisung follow a recipe on how to make American style pancakes and scolding Haechan for handing the gullible maknae wrong ingredients. After a few minutes Renjun had excused himself to check on Jaemin and Jeno, and Mark announced he had to use the bathroom. Once out of earshot from the mess in the kitchen Mark turned to Renjun,

“You didn’t give it to her?”

“No, hyung, honestly I got too scared. What if she didn’t want it? What if she thinks I’m going too far? What if it’s too serious all of a sudden?”

“Well, don’t you want to be serious with y/n?”

“Of course. More than anything. I just don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Renjunnie,” Mark placed his hands on his shoulders, “you are doing great. Do whatever feels right to you. But if you’re only doubting yourself I think it’s still a good idea to give her the necklace.” 

Renjun still looked conflicted and mindlessly opened the door to Jaemin room then Jeno’s. 

The four proceeded back to the suspiciously quiet kitchen to find Jisung sat at the table and Haechan and you making the rest of the pancakes. When Jaemin asked what happened, Haechan responded,

“We wanted to make sure you guys still had a place to live.”

The necklace matter had been dropped and about a month later all those repressed emotions Renjun had came back. It was two nights before Valentine’s Day and both just wanted a quiet evening. Renjun planned to cook a dinner at your apartment and the whole thing felt innocent until he thought about how you guys hadn’t even been officially together for more than a year. He suddenly felt the pressure, the implications, the underlying tone of something like giving you a piece of jewelry. His plan was to just give you a painting. He had carefully recreated the scene of the park where he first saw you. You had been pushing children on the swings. He had thought you were a babysitter of some sort until you waved to the kids goodbye and saw the nearby adults scoop them in their arms and walk away. Then he saw you swinging by yourself. He never revealed this to you during your first official encounter as he didn’t think it would be smooth to open up with, “I’ve been watching you swing by yourself at the children’s park.” He also hadn’t been initially sure if you were the same girl he had wistfully observed, but you had once planned a park date at your favorite spot.

“It’s actually quite near your dorm, we could walk there if you’re up to it? Sometimes I play with the kids. It’s gotten to the point where some of the mothers have recognized me.”

Renjun immediately knew you had been that girl he had observed in what felt like a lifetime ago. He knew that one day he would really have to treat Chenle to a meal for introducing you both. Renjun also knew if he had admitted this to Chenle now he would never let it go and it would somehow inflate the size of that kid’s head even more, but he added it to the list of things he loved about his younger member. 

Renjun had carefully recreated the details from his memories of those days, paying particular attention to that coat you refused to give up on and he had just finished the painting when Haechan decided to burst into his room.

“Renjunnie! Have you ate? Let’s eat.” 

Renjun had been so absorbed with his doubts that the sudden interruption almost made him fall off his chair. Renjun almost gets as easily startled as Jisung, but the magnitude of his reaction made Haechan take a step back and immediately set off his signature mischief.

“Ya, is the innocent and pure boy doing something naughty? You know you should really lock your doors Renjun-ah”

Renjun scrammbled to find something to cover the painting. His tidy desk space provided no aid and his next move was to flip the whole thing over deciding to deal with the consquences of the still wet paint later, but Haechan moved quickly and pulled Renjun’s arms up away from the canvas.

“Ya, what’s this?”

“Nothing. Heachan, please.”

Renjun sighed. He had no problem in any other situation to fight the boy who always tested his limits, but with the awkward sitting position he was in, Renjun knew that there was no logistically sound way to physically fight Haechan at the moment. 

“Oh, it’s just another painting. Why were you so freaked out- YA! Is that y/n?!”

Haechan dropped Renjun’s arms, his first mistake, as Renjun took the opportunity to lunge towards the painting. Haechan proceeded to yank the back of the wooden chair -- his second mistake -- and he called out for reinforcements.

“JENO-AH!”

Jeno was not surprised that the bickering quickly took place, but was also concerned with the intensity of Haechan’s scream. Jeno regretfully entered the space of what would ultimately disrupt the otherwise peaceful morning and listened to the chorus of Renjun’s mild curses and death threats and Haechan’s shameless happy teasing although he was the one in the headlock.

“Ya, you two. Can we just go eat?”

“Jeno-ah, grab that. QUICKLY.”

Curiosity took over and Jeno obeyed. Renjun knew that although Jeno lacked in the desire of fighting members, he made up for with his physcial strengh. Renjun was quite aware that Jeno could quite literally pick him and Haechan up to stop the sqaubble. Renjun gave a frustrated sigh of defeat and sat back down at his desk while Jeno and Haechan sat on the nearby bed to fully observe the art piece.

“Is this y/n? It’s really good.”

“Our Renjunnie is growing up so fast. It’s cute to see you in love.”

The casualness of Haechan’s sentiment in dropping the L word set off alarms in Renjun’s brain but curiously not his heart. He quickly pushed off whatever deer in headlights reaction he showed and calmy took the painting back from Jeno. He decided to just tell the two that it was for Valentine’s Day and mumbled that he wasn’t sure if you were gonna like it. 

"Renjun-ah it’s fine. You, of all people, know how forgiving she is.”

“Ya! Haechan, don’t say it like that. Renjun-ah it looks really nice she’ll love it.”

Haechan sensed it was the right time to get serious. 

“Renjun-ah. Honestly. It’s a really good painting. She’ll love it. That girl loves everything you do.”

Jeno hummed in agreement.

“Injunnie, it will be okayyy.”

Jeno’s speciality in dorm-only aegyo gave Renjun comfort. It almost brought back a sense of normalcy in Renjun’s emotions. He was also grateful to Haechan although no matter how much the boy made it a sport to annoy him, he could still be mature when it counted. He thanked God that the necklace had been safely hidden in a drawer and considered the many ways the situation could have escalated if the two boys saw that the painting gift was not the main source of his anxiety.

Renjun thought it would be best to change the subject from his insecurities about his love life. Love, he thought, there was that word again. 

---------------

hi i have a tendency to not end my fics well, lemme know what yall think

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[suave-ish]

tw depression anxiety and covid-19

hello everyone, my name is mercedes and i don’t know who will read this i have no followers but i hope it reaches someone. i don’t use this blog much but here we are. im typing this on mobile so please forgive me if it’s messy.

i woke up at five in the morning today and i checked my emails. ive been waiting for results for 4 days. i saw the notification. clicked on it, logged in, and read, “positive.”

and although i am considerably healthy and have a strong immune system, i cried and i cried and i cried.

i have covid-19.

i want to talk about the symptoms i had before i got my results and about how i’m feeling now. mentally and physically.

everyone i’ve ever heard talk about covid-19 says the FIRST thing to look for is a fever. and that’s valid! it’s a very common symptom amongst most people. except for me! i took my temperature every single day and it never exceeded a 97.4. the first symptoms i started showing was a headache and dry throat. the next day i started experiencing cold-like symptoms. runny nose, coughing, itchy throat. around day 3-4 of noticeable symptoms i started having trouble taking deep breaths.

i also experienced extreme fatigue. (i’m not a napping type of person but i found myself taking more and more naps. i didn’t think much of it because i’m pretty much always tired. ive been like that since i was young. i only ever took naps when i was sick. lo and behold).

i started feeling better after a week of experiencing symptoms so i thought that was it. just a mild cold. no fever. i was wrong. one morning i got up and i felt extremely nauseous. i felt sick to my stomach, i was dizzy, and the world was spinning. and yet i got in my car and headed to work.

yeah that lasted an hour. i called my boss and i told her i needed to go home immediately. i had to wait another hour for someone to come in and cover the shift. i have never felt that kind of nausea in my entire life. that’s when i decided to take the test. my instincts told me, you’re sick. you have it. but (as one does) i hoped to god that it would be negative. i did everything to protect myself and yet i still got it.

anyway. today i feel extremely tired and weak. my stomach still feels a little nauseous but that’s about it for how i’m feeling physically. on to the mental side affects of this all.

i want to mention that i have severe anxiety and depression so lockdown hasn’t been great for me, i don’t have stable coping mechanisms for either illnesses so i just have to bare the brunt of it all when i’m experiencing episodes.

today has been the worst since i just found out i have covid-19. i live in a household with 6 people (including me). three children and one person with a compromised health. my mother had valley fever and although it is currently inactive, it still affects her health and immune system. if you’re from the valley you’re probably familiar with it and so you might understand how scary this pandemic is for her.

i went through a lot of emotions. shock. fear. guilt. i’m already feeling the brunt of isolation (not to mention the way my fucking ass hurts from laying in bed for 5 days straight.) but all those other feelings made it worse. especially knowing i could put my mother in danger.

and if you’re self isolating and you’re like me, you need social interactions so your mental health doesn’t suffer too much, please reach out to people. anyone. i talk to my friends and grandma over facetime. sometimes my siblings yell “i love you!” from across the house. i’m grateful to be in a position where i will most likely recover soon. i’m thankful to have a roof over my head to protect me and others from spreading the virus. not everyone has that privilege.

please. if you show any symptoms, get tested! i went to a testing center in my city that provides free self swab tests and i hope that you can find something similar.

and please please please. stay home if you can. if you can’t, wear a mask. prevent the spread.

[sasorikigai]

G U I D E L I N E S || R U L E S

CATHEXIS - the concentration of mental energy on one particular person, idea, or object (especially to an unhealthy degree). Click the link to find out my muses’ unhealthy, manic obsessions.

Hello, I’m Kathy, INFJ, in her thirties. Thank you for following HANZO HASASHI (SCORPION), KUAI LIANG (SUB-ZERO), and FUJIN (SHINJIRO ISHIKAWA)  Satoshi Hasashi (Hanzo’s son) is a request-only muse as of now. 

Muse and mun are OF AGE and my muse(s) are CANON DIVERGENT, heavily headcanon-based, HIGHLY SELECTIVE and EXTREMELY PRIVATE (meaning I am a mutuals-only blog). I am EXTREMELY SELECTIVE, due to my preference with MULTI-PARA AND NOVELLA THREADS that explore in-depth internal characterizations and thought processes.

✔ crossovers, alternate universes, multiship, OCs, characters from other fandoms, communicating (is an absolute-must and a pivotal part of roleplaying).

✘ godmodding, infomodding, not respecting my boundaries and otps, only approaching me for romantic/sexual relationships.

I will not rp smut with anyone under 21 in any circumstances. And do not expect my muse to have a pre-established romantic/sexual relationship before discussing the matter with mun. I don’t tend to write shippy things from the start.

My native language IS NOT English and I am a very self-conscious mun, I will try my absolute best to make less errors. Though, I regard myself to be a highly literate person with visceral style of writing with high standards. If I ever do, please don’t hesitate to correct or tell me. It always helps to develop my language skills.

More info about mun;

Scorpion and Sub-Zero are intense characters, so plotting and communicating is extremely important and pivotal. I really don’t like to plot everything out beforehand, because the story becomes predictable and boring and I like the element of surprise (freeform, or winging it, whatever you want to call it). So I much prefer IC being much casual and more forgiving when it comes to it.

Don’t assume and read my stuff between me and my long-term partners and expect to get into such intimate and knowing relationship without ever get to knowing my muses. many weeks, if not months of development and back-to-back writing helped us to get there and if we only began threading each other? They are most likely going to be hostile and indifferent at times of what others are thinking/doing.

People don’t honestly play their villain as a villain and I have zero intention to bend my muse (especially for Scorpion’s verse where he’s a specter bound by Quan Chi’s dark sorcery), despite them thinking otherwise in his subconscious. Scorpion has twisted and warped sense of conscience and conscious and they will surely reflect on their introspection and internalization..

I try my absolute best to play them like canon in my interactions; because my replies may seem quicker to most people, but that does not mean I half-ass them or it takes less time to type them out. I try to be VERY IC (I try my absolute hardest), so don’t expect my character to be softened unless situations requires them to be so.

I WILL UNFOLLOW INACTIVE BLOGS AFTER A MONTH. Don’t take this personally; for I will refollow if you do decide to come back. I like to keep things on my dash at a minimal.

I. CONTENTS OF THE BLOG

This blog is heavily NSFW and has lots of NSFW-related contents. Untagged nsfw materials include VIOLENCE, MURDER, BLOOD, MUTILATION, GORE and such. I am multiship and multiverse, meaning all the monogamy (both m/m and m/f) exists all in different timeline and nothing will overlap.

I don’t mind doing threads that are non-shippy, as long as my muse has interest in them. You will find a lot of SMUT, GORE, ANGST, VIOLENCE. I don’t tend to tag all the time, although I try to do the most of the time.

Anon function is off for the time being. And a good reason at that.

II. SHIPPING/SMUT

My muses are biromantic / demisexual and multiship. I am also open to multiship with other canon/OC characters as well. Of course, it all depends on chemistry. And romantic/sexual relationship isn’t a prerequisite when it comes to exploring their character nor I find it a necessity, because they are not very promiscuous characters, although the mun likes to write smut more than occasionally.

III. LIMITATIONS

If you are not sure about something, then there’s always the ask box and IM for lengthy discussions. I am fine with writing codependent relationships, violence, gore and rape. Abuse (both physical and mental) is a big no-no for mun. It’s triggering and I still suffer from traumatic experiences from the past.

IV. FANDOMS/OCS

Primary fandom is Mortal Kombat Franchise as of now. I welcome any male and female OCs and characters from other fandoms. And I am more than eager to explore crossovers and creating alternate universes.

V. WRITING STYLE

I highly prefer my replies to be at least THREE SUBSTANTIAL PARAGRAPHS, most frequently multi-para if the plot requires it or is necessary, although there will be times I will settle for two-para or even single para replies. And be a courteous person and do try to match the reply length. I will not tolerate three or four paragraphs reply to one or two sentences.

I will immediately drop the thread if my length isn’t matched, godmod or force ship. Overpowering immortal characters do not strike me as particularly intriguing either.

Exceptions of length-matching; if the thread requires more action than psychological stuff, if you’re more comfortable with short-length, we can discuss it but I don’t find one-liners particularly worthwhile to pursue.

VI. ASKS/MEMES

I don’t mind if you tag musings, quotes and pictures for me to look at and once we become mutuals, I will do the same thing. Feel free to send me any asks and memes. Also, I take suggestions or requests for me to write drabbles, headcanons and plot bunnies for my threads.

VII. PLOTTING/DISCORD

I am more than happy to Discord or IM to plot (my preference is Discord). My timezone is Eastern Standard Time (EST) and my Discord is hanzilla#5863. My Discord is for mutuals only, and please let me know who you are. 

VIII. REBLOGGING THREADS

Please do not reblog the threads unless you are a participating member and headcanons are pertaining to my blog only (unless you are mentioned in them), they’re not meant to be spread and used at anyone’s whim.

[gukyi]

hi (im not dead)

i know i haven’t been very active on this blog (forgive me) but i just wanted to let you guys know of a few things. this sounds way more foreboding that it actually is i swear but i’ve bolded the important things if you don’t feel like unpacking this post:

kcon was wonderful, thanks for asking. i saw my wonderful queens iz*one and legend rookies txt as well as some damn talented other groups. ateez, anyone?

the httyd fic is either going to be rewritten or reworked entirely. i’m just not feeling the plot of it right now, so i will be starting from scratch. mark my words, it’s happening. 

alongside that means the possible death of the iconic™ seokjin scene i already showed you guys, but honestly the fact that you still got to see it makes it all worth it anyway.

i’ve been in a ridiculous writing slump and have literally just been marathoning criminal minds. i can’t find it in me to write things and i feel so unmotivated. i’m hoping that restarting the httyd fic will change that. 

i’m sorry for my inactivity. for some reason tumblr feels different to me, and i can’t figure out why. but i see all of my messages, even if i don’t respond to them. know they mean an incredible amount to me.

i’m opening up commissions this august. please stay tuned.

[survivingpierce]

Rules

“How can I play if I don’t know the rules?” - “Who needs rules?”

Unfortunately, some rules are needed so everyone is comfortable. But I think my rules aren’t special and therefore probably pretty basic.

𝔸𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕄𝕦𝕟 / 𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕒𝕝

My name’s Cathy and I’m 23 years old. I go by she/her pronouns.

I live in the central european time zone.

English is not my first language, so please be kind if grammar mistakes happen.

I’m mostly active at the weekends.

I write in third person.

I won’t tolerate any hate. Please stay friendly.

If you want to interact, you and your muse have to be 18 years or older.

Please don’t expect fancy text formats. I don’t mind if you format your text as long as I’m able to read it.

Common triggers and NSFW will be tagged with 'nsfw', 'tw __' and '__'

Triggering content, dark themes, and nsfw content will be included on this blog.

I'm not Katherine which means I don't approve & condone of all her actions.

I have a job and a life outside of the internet, therefore I’m not 24/7 online.

Replies can take some time. However, if I haven’t replied within two weeks send me a reminder. It can happen that I’ve overlooked the fact it's my turn.

My Katherine is canon divergent! Please take a look on my ‘verses’-page! I don’t do season 8!

This blog is mutuals only.

𝕎𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘

As mentioned before, you have to be 18 years or older if you want to interact.

If you want to interact, please let me know. I’m always open to plot new things.

Don’t god-mod. If you play an Original Vampire it’s okay if you try to compel Katherine (she usually is full of vervain so it won’t work anyway). It’s also okay to fight with her and throw her against a wall or something. Just please don’t ‘be’ my character.

I don’t mind how long your reply is, as long as there is something I can reply to. I also try to match my writing partners length.

I cut my replies into seeing my part and the part I reply to. Please cut your replies too.

Smut. I’m comfortable with writing kisses and bite scenes. I’m most of the time not comfortable with writing out love scenes (and if i do it’s very selective). We can use the fade-to-black-method or mention that it happened.

I use icons. However, I’m also okay with doing iconless things.

I don’t write things which are in bad taste, against good manners or practices. I don’t want to see such things either.

𝕊𝕙𝕚𝕡𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕘

I ship Katherine with chemistry.

My Katherine is straight.

I’ll never force a ship on you and I hope you won’t force a ship on me.

Given her traits, she tends to be flirty.

If you are not sure about shipping Katherine with your muse, feel free to message me, we can figure things out.

𝕆𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕝 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕤

I’ll write with OC as long as you have a proper background story / an about page. I like to know who your OC is.

I’ll not write with an OC who is Katherine’s family, which means I won’t write with twins or siblings or children of Katherine. That don’t include her canon daughter Nadia and the sister Katherine had. However, I’m picky if it comes to Katherine’s sister. She shouldn’t be a doppelgänger!

𝕄𝕖𝕞𝕖𝕤

Feel free to send me memes. I don’t mind if you send me one or two or more.

You can turn memes into a new thread. You don’t have to ask, just make a new post please.

I don’t mind being tagged in memes or games.

𝔸𝕤𝕜 / 𝕀𝕄

If you want to know something about Katherine just send me an ask or a message. I also love curious anons.

I prefer to plot or discuss things in the IM’s

𝔽𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕠𝕨

I don’t do follows for follows.

I follow you if I like your muse, your writing or when I can see a possibility of our muses to interact. Just know that if I follow you, I want to interact with you - sometimes I’m just too shy to do the first step.

I unfollow if you post things I don’t wanna see, such as hate, racism, etc.

I also unfollow sometimes if you’re inactive for a longer time or if we haven’t interacted to keep my dash clean. Nevertheless we can still interact - just let me know & I'll follow you again.

𝕆𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝔽𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕠𝕞𝕤

I don’t really have knowledge about other fandoms than TVD/TO, Twilight, Hunger Games and H2O - Just Add Water and I just know a few things about Legacies and Game Of Thrones. So please forgive me if I’m unaware of your muse. If you want to interact, just let me know and I’ll read your about-page.

You can always interact with me, if you have a muse coming from another fandom but have a TVD-verse.

𝔻𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕝𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕖𝕣 & ℂ𝕣𝕖𝕕𝕚𝕥

This is a roleplay account, which is used for fun only. It is not affiliated or associated with the real TVD / the writers / the actress etc.. Everything on this page is fictional. I use icons made by wickedfatality , eternalworks , thehollowedartists / littlelunchen and danykat and more by their terms of using (liking the post and/or @ them on my rules-page). I also use icons from hollow-art. I also usally reblog all the resources i use on elusivevampire. My dash icons and the icons on my sidebar are made by danykat and aaronwrrner . 

I don’t own or am responsible for the content I’m reblogging or the links outside my blog, I also don’t own any pictures or gifs or icons with the expection of my banners (the flower-y ones). my current banner is made by  killerqueenpetrcva (thanks!)

[friezandsmilez]

seems at this point there’s no more help. i’m entirely fucked. i don’t think, i can do it. but i’ve been pushing myself because of promises i’ve made to my friends, to protect the ones that have helped me. i, i can’t do anything. i’m entirely powerless. so i’m posting this for after. in case they try to attack anyone who’s helped me. so my household is abusive, as said before, i ran away a few days ago. at this point there isn’t any solution there’s little less than twenty four hours left. i can’t go back. i can’t. 

i ran away a few days ago to a friend’s house they helped me, another one gave me refugee for a night. my father threatened statelessness at the end of the day, didn’t even try to reach me kindly once. the next day my sister said that this was what had been expected of me and that i would be forgiven. it wasn’t my fault. they tried to use kindness to reach out to me that day, while threatening statelessness on a side. they emotionally tried to manipulate me and gave me a surplus of distorted information.

i’ll add some pictures here of messages from my family.

there are more, i will give my password to a friend, and they can open it and show more once i, leave. god they’ll be mad.

anyway i have an audio recording, i’m gonna make the audios public and attach them here:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1E96ctYFdad0gT1NVCy11GP27GT5j8swy/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pdd1Vwk_uC4I1UkYMFWQ3KMmw7aMGVF9/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yUZjXWixX0r4BK529pl_Y5l8za7iGAOX/view?usp=sharing

i don’t have time to do anything. diplomacy, and reputations matter more than my abuse. the world runs on money and power, both of which i lack.

so anyway, back to the topic i’m writing this for. defending the people who’re helping me. 

sj and her parents: the only adults who’ve tried to help, and gone out of their way, offered legal guardianship over me so i don’t have to live with my parents. honestly no one has done anything illegal, but i’ve learnt money and power dominate laws, and fairness. hopefully this post can help them. please please help them. they’re the only ones who helped me get this far. sj’s my best friend in the whole entire world i love her so much, and if i never let go before today she is a big reason why. 

rg and his parents: granted me refugee despite insecurities bcs he trusted me. offered lawyers, but they aren’t free til tomorrow and i’m afraid it’ll be too late. i’m also just really tired of fighting, and just wanna let go. rg’s just a big bear okay? he’s a saint (tho he doesn’t believe in religion, please don’t hate me r lol). you’re my second favorite, i promise. pls forgive me ok? but he did nothing wrong, offered me a room, food, lawyer, research, support, everything. even the laptop i’m writing this from.

tw: helped me without letting parents know so he wouldn’t be banned from it since two other people’s parents banned me. bcs they thought i was a lunatic. don’t get mad at the parents, they know the world runs on money and power, only want the best for their children. he’s helped me endlessly in the past. present. everything. even gave me 20,000 forints (70 usd) since i had no money, identification, anything.

jj: majority of the time i’ve stayed at his place. first guy i went to who wouldn’t let me ‘off’ myself. when my parents kicked me out in the middle of winter without a coat, and i almost caught hypothermia he was the one who gave me shelter. he’s in china rn, so no contact but told me i could stay at his before leaving, since rg was leaving somewhere after the first night i stayed at his. gave me about 30,000 forints (105 usd) to make it through. thank you. pls don’t be mad at me, okay?

ac, gs, csb: helped me periodically. cdb watched me while i met with my dad to make sure he didn’t try anything on me- physical, drag me away, etc. gs was besides me ready to call cps when needed. ac helped me get information of things i could do, and refused to stop talking to me.

tf, kk: helped me so much but parents thought i was a lunatic. grounded, phone taken away. still tried to help as much as possible. thank you. i’m sorry i got you in trouble with your parents, but you both helped so much. revived my hope in good, bcs i wasn’t even that good friends with y’all.

that’s who all has helped me. HELPED me. please, okay? i have a thousand followers, more than, i know a lot are inactive. but these people are the only good people i’ve known. protect them when i’m gone. please. you have the fucking evidence, okay? if laws don’t help me, at least don’t let laws be the reason they get in trouble. they’re the best. i wish i could put up a picture of me rn, to prove it’s me but idk how the webcam on this laptop works. but i’ll tell you, im wearing a blue tunic typa top, at costa coffee huvosvolgy, wearing black and white shorts, have the orange black bag kk lent m, the waitress has purple hair, i ordered a iced caramel latte, in the morning i ordered a chocolate croissant, and chocolate cookie, and bought a cheese pizza slice from across this lil hallway of this petite mall of sorts. i don’t know how else to prove it’s me. it is. please please please please protect them.

[verdantsymmetry]

Zsigs

So, MIT has this IM system called Zephyr that I still unaccountably find useful.  Clients generally let you display a signature with your message that might be some static bit of text or might be the result of a script if you’re more into that.  I have a script that selects from a bunch of sayings, jokes, etc that I’ve collected over the years.  And which I now want to inflict on you, Tumblr.

Please forgive the puns and don’t take these too seriously.

Unfortunately the universe doesn't agree with me.  We'll see which one of us is still standing when this is over. *Reality is what you can get away with.

The truth is whatever you can't escape.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.  Then I remembered who was telling me this.

I feel more like I do now than I did a while ago.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Don't ascribe to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

You can't know that this sentence is true.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the unanimous views of all parts of my mind.

Don't immanentize the eschaton!

Because anti-induction has never worked in the past I can be sure it will now.

Knowledge is power.  Power corrupts.  Study hard, be evil.

Put the romance back in necromancery.

Everyone generalizes from one example. Or at least I do.

You don't understand society until you can build one out of nothing but signals and incentives.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, is probably an artifact of an incomplete hypothesis space.

I, for one, like roman numerals.

Debugging is like being a detective in a crime novel where you're also the murderer.

I don't have pet peeves. But I do feed a number of feral peeves that live in the neighborhood.

Napoleon Bonaparte was a master strategist who achieved immortality by living on in the form of delusional people all over the future

"Roses" is how / you start poems of this meter / but poems about poems / are more meta and neater.

I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with adorable cockroach-sized swords.

When did the Japanese start eating eggs?  A long たまご!

Usually the explanation for why a thing exists is not the reason it started existing, but rather the reason it continues existing.

The adjective "indescribable" is, by definition, never correct.

Failure isn't an option.  It's mandatory.

Start every day like you woke up surrounded by a circle of wizards who perform a summoning spell once a century

Omniscience makes reasoning about counterfactuals harder.

Any machine is a smoke machine when you use it wrong enough.

I believe that inside every tool is a hammer

I said raise the barn, not raze it!

Remember with increasing sample size, your averages become more reliable - The Ns justify the means.

New EA cause area: Banning everything else Thomas Midgley invented, just to be safe.

Your eyes don't see, you do.

My favorite three bean soup is vanilla soy latte.

You will forget that you ever read this zsig.

Gaze not into the abyss, lest you become recognized as an abyss domain expert, and they expect you keep gazing into the damn thing.

Made in China? Silly plate, you are made of China.

Give a man a fire and hell be warm for a day. teach a man to fire and youll get your liver pecked out by an eagle every day for the rest of eternity

When trying to understand entropy, remember that sitting still with your eyes closed will make you ever more lost - not within the universe, but between universes.

Nothing in life is as important as you think it is, while you are thinking about it.

Blessed are those who can gaze into a drop of water and see all the worlds and be like who cares that's still zero information content. 

The First Rule of Robot Fight Club is you DO NOT TALK about Robot Fight Club, or, through inaction, allow Robot Fight Club to be talked about.

Correlation correlates with causation because causation causes correlations.

Absence of evidence is evidence of absence.

Market exchange is a pathetically inadequate substitute for love, but it scales better.

Computer science is like omnipotence without omniscience.

Your existence is not impossible.  But it's also not very likely.

Finally, a study that backs up everything I've always said about confirmation bias!

Nobody is smart enough to be wrong all the time.

Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.

Essentially, all models are wrong, but some are useful.

We think much less than we think we think.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Because ten billion years' time is so fragile, so ephemeral, it arouses such a bittersweet, almost heartbreaking fondness.

Language will evolve irregardless of barriers.

A library of all possible books contains less information than a single volume.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Do unto others 20% better than you would expect them to do unto you, to correct for subjective error.

Though through rough boughs

I'm just sayin', everyone that confuses correlation with causation eventually ends up dead.

I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, until we've landed on the moon, of preventing this decade from ending.

If you die in a documentary, you die in real life.

My intuition pump won't turn off and now my basement is full of scary ideas.

One Weird Trick to hijack the inner voice of hundreds of minds by posting this message

Most supposed conspiracy "theorists" don't come up with their own theories; they are conspiracy *enthusiasts* at best.

Have you tried throwing money at the problem? Yes? Well have you tried throwing it harder, using deadlier forms of currency?

Have you tried reducing the problem to a harder one which no one will expect you to solve?

Have you tried raising the temperature until you have enough thermal energy to overcome the problem’s energy barrier?

Keep your identities small, so you can fit more of them in your head.

You are a useful abstraction.

I Went To The Platonic Realm And All I Got Was THE Lousy T-Shirt.

A society where ubiquitous 3D printing makes the delivery of physical objects obsolete. A post-post society.

Appeals to Purity Intuitions Considered Toxic

Yog Sothoth is the golden key, the accursed result of the NSA's demands. Do not call up what you can't put down, cried the opsec researchers.

Known thy enemy and know theyself.  You can combine these tasks and so double efficiency using the obvious method.

Consciousness is the weakest form of telepathy, where you're limited to reading your own mind.

A good pun is its own reword.

A new drug prevents the brain from speculating. You'll never guess what happens when you take it.

Philosophy is mainly useful in inoculating you against other philosophy. Else you'll be vulnerable to the first coherent philosophy you hear.

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 13 - "I'm on the side with the biggest threats to win this game" ~Josh

This last round went well!! We got Jay out (rip Corn Tribe💔 tho fr fr it died shortly after merge probs) and I'm still in the game :D We love to see an actual numbers majority now bless 🙏🏽 I hope I go soon 😅 Ingary my beloved is suffering a bit (ty/sorry Dyl 💖) I can't see that happening though bc Colin seems to find me and Amy as his best allies and would use his idol on us so RIP me tbh, typical that the game I'd like to lose earlyish in is the one I go to FTC 😂 tho if I went with Amy and Colin I do think one of them would win (with the double agenting and chaos idle-ing and they're both p social), I'm just good at taking the information we have and planning to ensure we have the best possible outcomes at tribal (which is SO much easier now that we have a numbers majority My Gosh!!!). I love sudoku puzzles but the thing is I'm used to playing on apps or online where it's easier to play kinda methodically, also the height of my sudoku phase was like, last year where I could complete an easy one avg. 10 minutes best time 7 minutes, these two with my 10% DA took 50 minutes, so take off 10% and it's 45 minutes, divide by two and it took me 22.5 minutes per puzzle. Yeah no I don't think I'm gonna win 😂😂 oh well, thanks Raf for letting me do them tonight though, you probably wanted to get to bed but tomorrow I have work and then my driver's license exam (!!!) and then movie night so I really don't have time to 😅😅 but hey! I dont have a second part to that✨ Time isn't real so wish me luck on my driving test now retroactively so that the positive vibes flowing backward through chronos (aka "linear" time) will ensure that when you read this I will already have my license❤️. xoxo, gossip girl

honestly having more numbers done for you in a sudoku puzzle is just making me more confused

math challenges during pride month is pure homophobia

Congrats to jared for guaranteeing himself f5 for winning today 😭 and here I thought I did well with 40 minutes. I don't think he would play his idol on jodi but I don't know with this invisible round. Apparently Jodi is telling people I have the idol from phantom aka the one colin has, which is a problem if they are trying to flush it. I guess I'm a threat even though probably only dennis in the jury isn'taf at me lol. Colin has an idea to get votes on him then idol and us two vote Josh out but I really think they are going to be voting me based on how quiet it is and how many other alliances there are lol. There's the three with Josh and Jared and Colin because Josh doesn't want me at the end. See I knew he didn't like me lol. So I'm here trying to think of I need to play something or give it away and be voted out lol or just keep it and be out. My thought was to use the steal a vote so then no one would know it was me who had it but I kind of think I might need that next round of say jodi wins then jared idols. At f5 it could be me colin and jared all idoling if none of us make a move lol. Anyway I think I'm on shaky ground this go and idk why haha I'm there are much bigger threats that a no social person who flipped and wasn't even bonded with the jury lol. Here's hoping colin elle and I stay strong. And I can get second to colin. That would be fun lol but lots of game left. And I'm still at disney. This is going to be a stressful day.

I hate invisible rounds. too much is going on. and literally no one is online to talk it out personally, i want Josh out this round. I think if I wait until final 4 to cut him, he'd be bitter at me in particular. Plus, he's not in my endgame plans. I want to have an easy win, and that means putting Elle and Jared next to me in ftc. the most obvious thing to do is split between Jodi and Anastasia, and I think that's happening because it's simple and no one else is around to dispute it. Amy is still my closest ally and I can trust her, so I told her that I want to take out Josh. i don't think the two are close so it was easy to get her on board. There's an option of me ENSURING he goes by playing my idol for whoever Jared and Jodi is voting for, but I don't want to do that. so my plan is to also have Jodi vote Josh with us, so it's 3-3-1. Either Jared idols Jodi and Josh leaves, or it's a revote and Josh still leaves god I'm just so worried and nervous. If I were to get blindsided, this is the round to do it. but I don't see anyone stepping up to actually pull the trigger, except maybe Jodi. I wanna make it to the end so badly. i've been playing orgs for too damn long, I need a win. please please please let me survive this round

So I'm coming to the realization that at least 2 people on my side have idols and theres still a hidden steal a vote that Elle might have. So I'm on the side with the biggest threats to win this game so it's time to make a move. Jared said that he'll be willing to play his idol to save Jodi so that means that it's time to flush these idols out of the game. The plan is for 2 of us to vote for Colin and the other to vote either Elle or Amy. My original alliance is splitting vote between Jodi and Anastasia with me, Elle and Anastasia voting Jodi and Colin and Amy voting for Anastasia as our contingency plan. However, Jodi warned me that Colin was saying my name to her this morning so he might try to pull some snake shit. But im hopeful that Jared plays the idol for Jodi and somehow Colin doesn't play his so it'll be a tie between him and Anastasia.

So I have immunity and I have been a little inactive but its ok because Jodi has kept me up with whats going on. Jodi tells me that they are splitting the vote on me. Which is good because I am safe lol. Anyways but I talked to Colin and Amy and I wonder if they really do trust me now. I did vote with them twice. So I told them that I was scared that I was getting voted and they said they wouldnt vote me. So sweet. I also talked to Josh and all of them are saying Jodi to vote. But Jodi is getting an idol played on her Im pretty sure so unless one of them suspects that we are lying about Jared winning immunity, one of them is going home this round.

https://youtu.be/ebfzvSaWULY

Dear Colin: We do not want to vote you out. We simply want to flush your idol. I seriously hope you are still here after tonight. You know what? This round has been insane. I'm obviously on the bottom, ready to get voted out. I wanted immunity so bad. But instead of crying, I created a beautiful plan that I hope comes to fruition. Anastasia won immunity. My game move this round is multilayered. First step is to create immunity for 3 people: me, Anastasia, Jared. We told everybody that Jared had won immunity, and that he may or may not idol for me. This is perfect because if they vote for me, they'll have their votes negated, same with splitting them on Anastasia. They'll completely avoid voting for Jared to avoid their vote not being counted. Next step: flush idols. Josh approached me last night and he wanted to work with me and Jared to flush out idols from Elle, Amy, Colin. Originally before he even came to me, I had wanted to do a 2-2 on Amy and Colin and tell him it's between Elle and Amy, but he actually said that he wants to do a 1-1-1 on those 3 to guarantee either idols being flushed or we get our pick of who goes. Josh doesn't know that Anastasia is with us too, but it's sorted. Colin wants to vote out Josh here, but everybody wants to vote out me. He came to me and Jared to vote Josh, and hope that they (Colin, Amy, Josh, Elle, Anastasia) split the vote on me and Anastasia. However, since the split was (Elle, Josh, Anastasia) vote me, and (Colin, Amy) vote Anastasia, the vote split no longer works since Colin is voting for Josh and Amy wants to vote me. Essentially, it's a 4-3 Me to Josh in Colin's eyes, and he wants to get a vote thrown so that it could at least tie 3-3. Me, Jared, Anastasia have decided before even Colin and Josh approached us that we wanted to do a 2-1 on Colin and Amy or something, so the fact that Josh approached us is perfect. How are we countering advantages? 1. Idols Jared has one idol, and there's only 2 idols between Elle, Amy and Colin. By throwing votes on all 3, we either guarantee somebody flushes an idol, or we guarantee somebody gets idoled out 2. Floating advantage from hunt 5 From the wording, it's either an idol nullfier or steal a vote. I'm voting for Elle here just in case it's a steal a vote, so that at least Amy is still open for a revote in case Colin idols. (I'm hedging my bets that Elle has it not Amy) 3. Idol Nullifier In this case, I go if Colin idols, and I will just…not forgive Faffy for putting both a chaos idol and an idol nullifier in a game and those be the two ways I go. Let's just hope this isn't what hunt 5 is. The final plan should yield 2 votes Colin, 2 votes Jodi, 1 vote Josh, 1 vote Elle, 1 vote Amy. In a revote, we save Me > Josh > Elle > Amy > Colin. This vote is for the win. This will be my game winning move. Creating immunity for 3 people, flushing idols, picking who goes. Let's. Freaking Go. 

So idr what I said before but Anastasia suggested to Amy that we needed to split votes and wanted to split some on me LOL so now we're putting 3 on her, possibly 4 if Josh comes online in the next 9 minutes✨ Never a smart plan for the latest addition to suggest voting off older allies, but oh well. One day we'll work together well, Anastasia 💖 one day 😂 But anyway! I really hope Colin and Amy make it to FTC, rooting for them🥳

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Jodi: Masterful plays and manipulations this round. Is getting her way. Best round of the game for her by far. The most impressive thing by far was giving three people immunity by a little lying.

Josh: The person who ratted out his side first. Made a huge move that might just save him. Taking out Colin here is perfect for him as it would give him a lot to say at FTC. He’s playing 3D chess while everyone else is playing checkers and Jodi is playing 6D chess. I think he will make it very far in this game even if people don’t necessarily want him at FTC.

Jared: Has the potential to do more. Just doing what Jodi tells him to do.

Anastasia: Playing the middle like a smooth criminal. She is letting others do her dirty work for her. She is using her ally in Jodi to have those connections outside her alliance. However, she is in danger of being seen as expendable very soon.

Colin: Is getting blindsided tonight. Power has gone to his head and has made him unable to perceive who is actually with him. Assumes people will just magically work with him. Too concerned with keeping his idol. He has become, in essence, the new Jodi.

Amy: Colin’s lackey. Has no idea what is going on and will probably continue to have no idea.

Elle: Completely out of the loop this round

So Jodi’s plan is currently to do a 2-1-1 between Colin, Amy, and Elle. Jodi, Jared, and Josh will each vote one of them. Then Anastasia will vote Colin. On the other side, Colin plans to vote Josh while Elle is voting Jodi because she’s being kept out of the loop by everyone. And Amy is at Disney World.

2 votes Colin

1 vote Josh

1 vote Elle

1 vote Amy

1 vote Jodi (nullified by Jared’s idol)

1 vote Anastasia (nullified by immunity)

[brilliantorinsane]

Sherlock Holmes, 1899: Detective 2.0 (Part 1)

Note: As always, please let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged :)

… Look, I said I wasn’t going to write about this one. And I know that it hardly counts as an. ‘obscure’ adaptation, although to be fair it doesn’t appear often in tumblr discussions. But Sherlock Holmes by William Gillette is the first ever licensed Holmes adaptation, so of course I had to read it, and then I had thoughts and—well, here we are.

This is the fourth installment of my series on obscure Sherlock Holmes adaptations. For a master-list of previous write-ups, see this post.

Production and Reception

William Gillette’s Sherlock Holmes exists in two primary iterations. The first is a play released in 1899 (you can read the script here), and the second is a 1916 silent-film starring several of the stage actors, including Gillette as Holmes. This post will discuss the play only; I will review the film in part 2.

The original script for Sherlock Holmes was written by Doyle, but his script was rejected and heavily reworked by William Gillette. Gillette’s script showcases an original plot, although it features Moriarty and Alice Falukner, a loose Irene Adler analogue. Disappointingly, the parallel between Alice and Irene is purely circumstantial: Alice has much of Irene’s courage but none of her active cleverness, and is reduced to a paper-thin damsel-in-distress. This is even more unfortunate given that—contrary to Doyle’s wishes—Gillette makes her Holmes’s love interest, thus initiating the hellish proliferation of Adler/Holmes storylines. So … thanks for that one, Gillette.

The play was wildly successful, and Alan Barns asserts that it has been “crucial to the development of Sherlock Holmes on film … [i]ts impact cannot be overestimated.” Even Doyle appears to have softened towards the play after seeing it performed, and is quoted by Vincent Starrett as saying: “I was charmed both with the play, the acting, and the pecuniary result." Whether Doyle was more pleased by the art or the currency is perhaps unclear.

For myself, insofar as it is the first Holmes adaptation I find this play fascinating; but insofar as it is just one of many retellings, my feelings are mixed. I confess I kept comparing it to Doyle’s stage adaptation of The Speckled Band (you can read the script here and my analysis here), and Gillette’s play seldom looked better for it. I found Doyle’s plot more compelling, his villain more threatening, and his characters more vibrant. All the same I was not bored reading Gillette’s play, got a few laughs, appreciated Gillette’s Watson and was intrigued—if not wholly pleased—by his Holmes.

But I hope you don’t think me terribly petty if I confess that I struggle to entirely forgive Gillette for launching the legacy of Holmes adaptations with a ‘straight’ Holmes.

William Gillette as Sherlock Holmes

There are things I quite like about Gillette’s Holmes. He is deeply composed, but fully capable of action and self-defense. He has plenty of snark, is openly affectionate with his Watson, yet is deeply troubled—he cannot be accused of being without feeling.

Nevertheless, I suspect that he played a large role in establishing the stereotype of the hard-boiled detective, the DFP, the detached and cold-hearted reasoning machine. Gillette consistently leans into Holmes darker and more reserved qualities: his Holmes is almost always composed and never excited—although he is often quietly amused—and there is little sense of his love for an audience. The extremity of his cocaine habit is emphasized, to the point that he is clearly suicidal—an aspect that is belabored rather frequently.

But the thing that really irks me is the case. The case is loosely based on A Scandal in Bohemia, in which Holmes is working for a prince in an attempt to gain incriminating letters/pictures from a woman. Scandal is an anomaly in the canon insofar as Holmes is not strictly on the side of justice—either in the audience’s eyes or his own—and yet goes through with it (x). This is distinctly unusual for a man who ordinarily allows nothing, including the law, to sway him from what he sees as true justice. And yet it is this dark deviation that Gillette chooses as the framework for presenting Holmes to a new and wider audience.

And look—there’s nothing wrong with exploring Holmes’s darker side. But I still struggle with the characterization on two levels:

I’m not saying the persistence of this darker Holmes in public imagination was Gillette’s fault; he’s hardly responsible for all adaptations that followed his. I just … I just would have liked the legacy of Holmes adaptations not to begin with a straight, hard(er)-hearted Holmes.

Frankly, I find the ‘borderline-cruel straight white guy is redeemed because a pretty young girl saw his secret golden heart’ plot infinitely more tired and less compelling than the complex, transgressive, damaged, but deeply kind character Doyle created.

Edward Fielding as John Watson

If Gillette perpetuated some of my least favorite Holmes stereotypes, on the whole the same cannot be said of his portrayal of Watson. Yes, Watson is sidelined to make room for Alice, and like the other characters in the script I found him a bit … flat. But he is never portrayed as a fool, his role was somewhat larger than I expected, his connection to Holmes is palpable, and if I had a checklist of characteristics a good Watson ought to posses, he would do a surprisingly good job checking them off.

The first thing we know of Watson is Holmes’s affection for him. The second is Watson’s protectiveness of Holmes as he expresses his distress over Holmes’s cocaine habit and the danger posed by Moriarty. We also get a sense of Watson’s attraction to danger when he observes, “this is becoming interesting,” as matters become tense.

My favorite moment, however, comes near the end when Watson is alone and  two false patients come in, attempting to set a trap for Holmes. Watson not only catches on to their facades immediately, he also notices that the blind had been raised when he briefly stepped out of the room. So thanks to Gillette’s script, we get to see Watson be clever, observant, and a great doctor all at once—a rare occurrence in early adaptations.

As much as I enjoy this scene, however, it also gets at my one major disappointment with Gillette’s Watson: although he is entirely capable, he is never given anything to do. In this instance, when Watson realizes his ‘patients’ are setting a trap he begins to act; but then Holmes appears and takes charge. Later Watson blocks the window and closes the blinds to avoid a signal being sent out to Moriarty—but only at Holmes’s instructions. And this, sadly, is the consistent pattern of the play.

In the end, I was left with a confusing dual sense that on the one hand Gillette seems to have a fairly good grasp of Watson and his capabilities, but on the other doesn’t really seem to know what to do with him. He seems to know that Watson is important, but not how he is important.

So … What About Johnlock?

After everything I’ve said, that’s clearly a hard ‘no,’ right? Well, sort of—they certainly aren’t riding off into the sunset together, but I still find myself with rather too much to say on this topic. To my mind, there are four categories worth touching on: a). The relative strength of the Holmes/Alice relationship vs the Holmes/Watson relationship, b). subtext carried over from Doyle’s stories, c). queer elements of the Holmes/Alice relationship, and d). assorted moments.

a). Holmes/Alice vs Holmes/Watson

Here’s the thing: my complaints about the Holmes/Alice romance aren’t just because Holmes is gay and in love with Watson. They are also because Gillette couldn’t have written more of a dime-a-dozen (+vaguely sexist) hetero romance if he tried. Here is a point-by-point summary of their ‘relationship’:

Holmes is on the point of further stripping agency away from a helpless girl who has been physically and psychologically abused for months.

Alice cries.

Holmes doesn’t do the cruel thing (he’s still planning to do it, but Alice doesn’t know).

They are now in love.

I’m not exaggerating here: in terms of length the above scene is hardly a blip in the play, and yet next time they see each other Alice is saying that if Holmes dies she wants to die too. Yep.

On the other hand, the relationship between Sherlock and Watson is established and their care for one another is palpable. Watson first appears immediately after Holmes refuses to see Mrs. Hudson, clearly wishing to be alone. But then his boy Billy comes up, and this exchange follows:

BILLY: It's Doctor Watson, sir. You told me as I could always show 'im up. HOLMES: Well! I should think so. (Rises and meets WATSON.) BILLY: Yes, sir, thank you, sir. Dr. Watson, sir! 

(Enter DR. WATSON. BILLY, grinning with pleasure as he passes in, goes out at once.) 

HOLMES (extending left hand to WATSON): Ah, Watson, dear fellow. WATSON (going to HOLMES and taking his hand): How are you, Holmes? HOLMES: I'm delighted to see you, my dear fellow, perfectly delighted, upon my word.

The affection, intimacy, eagerness for one another’s company, and trust evident in these first lines remains throughout the script, and puts Holmes and Alice’s hurried and stilted relationship to shame.

Ultimately Holmes marries Alice and Watson is sidelined, but the relationship between him and Watson remains the more palpable and affecting.

b). Subtext carried over from Doyle’s stories

There are at least two threads that are strongly reminiscent of subtextual cornerstones in Doyle’s canon. Perhaps they are intentional, or perhaps Gillette borrowed them from the stories/Doyle’s original script without reading them the way we do, but they exist nonetheless.

The first is Holmes’s cocaine use. In the canon Holmes occasionally claims that he uses drugs to escape the crushing boredom of inactivity between cases, but The Sign of Four in particular makes it clear that he also uses them for emotional comfort—specifically to cope with loosing Watson to Mary. A similar pattern is evident in Gillette’s play: his Holmes claims that the threat of Moriarty “saves me any number of doses of those deadly drugs,” and yet Watson points out that Holmes has been using the drugs “in ever-increasing doses” despite the fact that he has been engaged in his most all-consuming case—fighting Moriarty—for fourteen months. But the cause of Holmes’s increasing drug use and attendant suicidal depression is far less clear in here than it is in the canon.

Hollow as his semi-frequent ‘because I’m bored’ explanations ring in light of Moriarty, I am inclined to think Holmes is most honest near the end when describing his distress over his treatment of Alice:

HOLMES (turning suddenly to WATSON): Watson—she trusted me! She—clung to me! … and I was playing a game! … a dangerous game – but I was playing it! It will be the same to-night! She'll be there —I'll be here! She'll listen—she'll believe—and she'll trust me—and I'll—be playing—a game. No more – I've had enough! It's my last case!

To me this clearly reads as an ongoing distress which was brought to a head by Holmes’s association with Alice rather than originating with it—“I’ve had enough! It’s my last case” indicates that the dilemma is linked to Holmes’s work as a whole, not the affair with Alice particularly. The surface (and likely intended) reading of this is that the work was a decent antidote for boredom for a time, but was ultimately too empty of real connection to be fulfilling in the long term, resulting in Holmes’s ultimate spiral into depression.

However, it also works surprisingly well for a queer reading: Holmes’s prior life was in some way a facade, “a dangerous game” perhaps involving the ongoing deception of someone he cared about. Interesting ...

A queer reading of his deterioration is further supported by the fact that Watson is married in this story. While we don’t now how long he has been married, one wonders whether his absence might coincide with the increase in Holmes’s drug habits—it seems possible that Gillette recognized the link between cocaine and Watson’s marriage in the cannon and intended committed fans to likewise make the connection in the play.

Another interesting moment comes when Holmes is lamenting ‘the good old days,’ and in theory he is complaining about the un-originality of criminals. But although he begins by speaking of what “I” used to do, later he slips into “we.” Is he really missing the old days of criminal creativity, or is he missing the time when he had a constant companion to share them with?

In short, although Gillette is likely appropriating the cocaine and never-quite-explained melancholy of the canon merely to portray Holmes having a mid-life crisis, it works surprisingly well—and in my opinion more compellingly—to read it as the fallout from the loss of his companion for whom he had socially inadmissible feelings which kept him playing a duplicitous game. (Unfortunately the side-effect of this reading might be that the solution is for Holmes to step out of the ‘dangerous game,’ leaving his old life in Baker Street in literal ashes, and into the clear light of a heterosexual relationship, which is, uh … Wrong).

One other brief matter of note: to my great amusement this play also joins canon in playing the game of the vanishing wife. Watson has scarcely entered the story before Holmes comments on Mary’s (timely as ever) absence on “a little visit,” and near the end we discover that Holmes and Watson have planned a trip to the continent (!). How long is the trip? Is Mary coming? Does she have other plans? How does she feel about her husband gallivanting off to another country with a man pursued by a master criminal??? Meh. Who knows.

Miss Plot Device does, however, appear briefly and silently offstage when Watson wants Holmes to peek in at her for a quick lesson on domesticity.

c). Queer elements of the Holmes/Alice relationship

We’ve established that their relationship is as dime-a-dozen and cringey as literary relationships come. However, in the final scenes Holmes has admitted his affection for her to Watson but believes he must set them aside for the following reasons:

HOLMES: That girl!—young—exquisite—just beginning her sweet life—I—seared, drugged, poisoned, almost at an end! No! no! I must cure her! I must stop it, now—while there's time!

And again, when Alice has confessed her love for him:

HOLMES: no such person as I should ever dream of being a part of your sweet life! It would be a crime for me to think of such a thing! There is every reason why I should say good-bye and farewell! There is every reason—

So essentially, he sees his love for almost as some sort of disease, even a crime, something that would endanger the one he loves, that he ought to resist for their sake; only he is quite wrong and that love is in fact the way to happiness for them both … Hmm. Well then.

d). Assorted

There were a few moments in the script which do not fit within a wider thematic arc, but which I couldn’t go without mentioning.

1. Upon Watson’s first appearance, Holmes greets him and then says:

HOLMES: I'm delighted to see you, my dear fellow, perfectly delighted, upon my word—but—I'm sorry to observe that your wife has left you in this way.

Okay, so Mary has only left for a visit and is back the next day, but is it just me or did Holmes make it sound like she’d left Watson for good?? Because if that was intentional, that a first-class Petty Gay antic.

2. The cocaine scene near the beginning ends with these line:

WATSON (going near HOLMES—putting hand on HOLMES' shoulder) Ah Holmes—I am trying to save you. HOLMES (earnest at once—places right hand on WATSON'S arm): You can't do it, old fellow—so don't waste your time.

Partly I’m just struck by the tenderness of the moment, which is heightened by the stage directions. But I also wonder—why couldn’t Watson save Holmes when Alice presumably can? Apparently Holmes needs romantic affection to move forward. If he believed that Watson was capable of offering him that, would Gillette’s Holmes accept it?

3. In a confrontation with the criminals, one of them reveals that they struck Watson at an earlier stage of the conflict. Holmes’s response?

HOLMES (to ALICE without turning—intense, rapid): Ah!

(CRAIGIN stops dead.) 

HOLMES: Don't forget that face. (Pointing to CRAIGIN.) In three days I shall ask you to identify it in the prisoner's dock.

Its not necessarily romantic, but I can’t pass over protective!Holmes, especially given its slight Garridebs vibe. I also can’t resist mentioning that this bit all but interrupts the first clearly romantic moment between Holmes and Alice.

4. Near the end, when Moriarty is captured and spewing threats of revenge, he declares that Holmes will encounter his retribution during his planned trip to the continent with Watson. Ever the optimist, Watson suggests that they cancel the trip, but Holmes replies:

It would be quite the same. What matters it here or there—if it must come.

There is nothing strange in the moment; what is curious is that, for all Holmes’s fears about the damage a relationship with Alice might do her, the very real threat of Moriarty is never mentioned. Realistically this is likely a bit of sloppy writing, and yet the resultant image of an omnipotent web (and yes, the spider’s web metaphor is used for Moriarty in the play) which will inescapably pursue Holmes and Watson wherever they flee and yet leaves the appropriately heterosexual Holmes at Alice alone is, um, Really Something.

5. Finally, as I wrap up I cannot resist calling your attention to a number of lines and stage directions which are (almost definitely) meaningless in context, but out of context are too delightfully gay to ignore. Here they are, presented entirely without context for your viewing pleasure:

HOLMES: Mrs. Watson! Home! Love! Life! Ah, Watson!

HOLMES: I must have that. (Turns away towards WATSON.) I must have that.

HOLMES: (Saunters over to above WATSON'S desk.)

HOLMES: Why, this is terrible! (Turns back to WATSON. Stands looking in his face.)

… I’ll just leave those there.

After everything, the question of whether Gillette might have seen or suspected a romance between Holmes and Watson is unresolved. For myself, I vacillate regularly on how likely I think it is. This excellent post gets into why it is quite likely that Gillette may at the least have seen Holmes and Watson's relationship as a homoerotic (but strictly sexless and ultimately woman-mediated) friendship. Thus at minimum he could have intended to hint at the pain of moving away from such a deeply bonded friendship. From there it is not difficult to imagine the that he could have speculated the possibility that something in their relationship or desires moved beyond what was acceptable in Victorian society. Even if he did  there remain two very distinct possibilities: a). That he was secretly supportive and despite protecting himself with a socially acceptable paring tried to hint at the pain of a forbidden love and even queer-coded the heterosexual resolution, or b). That he saw himself as ‘saving’ Holmes from ‘self-destructive game’ of his old love, redeeming him through the all-healing power of heterosexuality (ugh).

On the other hand, there is also a highly eminent possibility that I’m just looking too hard, and nothing I thought I might see was intended to mean anything in that way.

Ultimately, at this stage my only conclusion is that the evidence is inconclusive. But I will say this: regardless of intention, the relationship between Holmes and Watson remains the strongest and most poignant in the play, and faithfulness to elements of the cannon results in moments that sure do make it look like something is up. If nothing else, that made me smile.

Conclusion: Should You Read It?

Well, it depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a particularly compelling/unique/vibrant take on Sherlock Holmes, or even just a story with a thrilling plot, intriguing concepts, and living characters, this isn’t a bad choice—but you could do better. (This is where I remind you that Doyle’s play, The Adventure of the Speckle Band, is genuinely excellent). But if you’re looking for an entertaining play which also happens to be the first Sherlock Holmes adaptation in existence and which had an enormous impact on every adaptation that came after—then yeah. Go read it. It’s right here! Have fun! And if you post about it, whoever you are, I would deeply appreciate a tag :)

@devoursjohnlock​ @thespiritualmultinerd​ @a-candle-for-sherlock​ @ellinorosterberg​ @cuttydarke​ @inevitably-johnlocked​ @alemizu​ @astronbookfilms​ @battledress​ @disregardedletters​ @materialof1being​ @sarahthecoat​ @spenglernot​ @authordrawingmusic​ @hewascharming​ @infodumpingground @rsfcommonplace @the-elephant-is-pink​ @johnhedgehogwatson​ @lokis-warrior-queen @sonnet59​ @sherlocks-final-resolve-is-love​ @artemisastarte​ @tjlcisthenewsexy​ @nottoolateforthegame​

[ishqbaaaaz]

Hey guys

Sorry I've been inactive on here this past week or so.

As most of you can probably tell, ib is going through a dry spell right now and im starting to reach the point where I'm bored. Like I know that ib has had its ups and downs like any other show, but I find myself holding too many expectations and being continuously disappointed. This usually happens after about a year or so and the storylines begin to make less sense and are less enteraining. This is to no fault of the actors but all fault in the writing. I feel like they're doing a complete injustice to their characters and instead of telling a great story, they're allowing fans (mostly twitter fans) to fill their heads. They may say they aren't but it's clear in the writing that they are.

After the marriage track, or even Rikara's reunion, they had every bit of an opportunity to sideline Shivika and allow Rikara and Ruvya to develop and grow. I mean, sure, Gauri and Omkara confessed their love to one another. But that doesn't solve the problem. They didn't have that much needed conversation that a husband and wife should. They immediately when into whatever this comedy track is now and left all that hanging. Rudra's writing these past few weeks have been so all over the place and at this point, he doesn't deserve Bhavya. They tried using the typical Tellywood Larka Formula in making him a douchebag. Completely derailing his character. They did the same thing with Omkara back when they did Dil Boley Oberoi. They pretended as if Omkara B.C. didn't exist and he became Omkara A.D. as I call him and honestly, I'm not here for this.

However, the writers are afraid to take risks in terms of allowing Shivika to have some fun scenes on the side and giving the spotlight to another couple. They are afraid they're going to lose their audience. Well here's a news flash, they have been losing their audience since they started this mess with Pinky back in May. They thought the solution was a separation track but instead they completely executed it in an uninteresting manner and they lost more of their audience. I, however, am an expert in tellywood garbage and I know you have to suffer separation and drama to get to the good stuff. I trudged through and we finally made it through the tunnel and Shivika was reunited and remarried, which was also so rushed. We deserved so much better than what they gave us. I'm just getting more and more disappointed and it's so disheartening to see a show I love so much and has a special place in my heart, run itself into the ground.

I haven't watched this past week or liveblogged and I haven't giffed because I have no motivation.

I will probably go back to giffing old scenes and I have some ideas I wanna do. But, I probably won't be watching or liveblogging until I feel like I have the motivation.

I'm still always here to talk about the show or whatever you are feeling. I'll reblog and maybe make some posts here and there. I'll make gifs of older scenes but I will not be doing liveblogs anymore. Or until I want to do them. I know there are people who enjoy them and I feel really bad, but I don't want to be disingenious with them so please forgive me.

The fandom on Tumblr is so fun and kind. I'm so glad to be a part of a community that is genuinely hilarious and crazy.

If you have requests or ever wanna rant, my ask is always open. If you see a liveblog from me, then that may mean ib is getting me back in, but we'll have to see.

Thank you for always being understanding.

-Sabrina