#i know i normally post in the evening but i couldnt resist getting this out early haha | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

coridallasmultipass · 4 months ago

Text

Vent / personal / s.i. / sh mention / long post / extremely negative dont read

I rly wanna fucking stop existing man life is too fucking hard I cant do this shit

My grandpa basically blamed me for the house's electricity usage when i literally only used my computer for one week last month and like 2 days this month. Anything else this month has just been phone charging or running my 2 small aquariums. Idk why i have to take the blame for that just because im a young person when my grandpa literally has been using large machinery in the garage and we rent out our guest house which has an a/c unit running ALL the time (our house does not have a/c or any internal system. Utilities are included in the guest house we rent so we pay for that person to stay cool while we sweat over here lmao.)

Ive been suffering for weeks in the 90-100 degree weather with no fan because my bathroom flooded due to grandpa installing the wrong fixture in my toilet (i literally only needed to replace the flap which required no disconnections! But he insisted, and now my only clean fan has been stuck in my bathroom with the window open letting in all the heat). Like. I enjoy the heat. Im fine with no ac. I tolerate it fine. But i need an occasional few minutes of being in the fan if the windows have been letting in all the heat. Normally id keep my blinds closed and the shower curtain closed so the heat doesnt get extreme but because i need to air out the bathroom i cant do that ((Literally when i lived in nyc w no ac, i would just go out to the living room and turn a/c on for like 1 minute while i stand in front of it, and then off again and i was fine for the rest of the night, i cant sleep with ac or a fan on or else i get hypothermic - i actually started getting hypothermic the other night because my blankets fell off the bed on a cooler night, it sucked lol))

Im so sick of having to wear shoes in my bathroom due to the carpet being pulled back, its uncomfortable to traverse that mess while having an injured back. Im sick of all the wildfire ash thats poured into my bathroom and probably my room too. (I had JUST changed my last air filter the day before the fire started lmao probably used up the whole thing already, i never got to keep my clean air room i had just started).

I had to deep clean the kitchen and deep vacuum the entire house with my back thats been injured since MAY since grandpa wont clean up after himself, and apparently my mom has also not been cleaning for years in her room (and my mom has the nerve to judge me for having a clean but cluttered room! Its her fault its cluttered because im not allowed to have anything of mine except food downstairs!). I havent been able to get treatment for my back because my mom has the only car and shes been out of town for the past month+.

Im fucking scared as fuck because i couldnt get ahold of a doctors office for a prescription for my endo and so now ive been having to take the leftovers i had of a lower dose. I live in a dead zone so a lot of the time i cant make phonecalls, idk if the issue was my end or the doctors and im just too stressed to try again bc if i think ab endo im gonna have a mental breakdown, its already bad enough having EXTREME phone anxiety due to not being able to understand people when they talk especially over a garbled phone connection. Im supposed to quit this med at the end of the month and idk how im gonna survive. I might not. I was completely su// ici// dal during the last couple flare ups. Endo is incurable and apparently im resistant to medication and surgical treatment. So its untreatable for me too.

Then theres my whole depression. This just fucking kicked off a really terrible mood swing and ive been like crying and moping in bed for hours trying NOT to think about where i know the things i used to s.h. before are packed. Bc that hasnt ever stopped being on my fucking mind since before i even started as a teen lmao. I cant stop thinking about how im existing against my will. Theres just no good way to die. Id feel guilty too because of how expensive my jaw treatments are and i havent even finished.

Speaking of, my jaw is still fucked and not getting any better lmao. Im in constant pain and headaches because of the aligners on my teeth. Im making myself sick from eating depression foods because by the time i take the things off my teeth to eat and drink, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, and after i eat anything i feel sick and tired and lightheaded from not being able to snack or drink when i want at my own pace, and then suddenly having to eat a whole meals worth of food in one sitting. (Not that i do that lmao ive been eating really lightly bc i am not physically up to the task of cooking or eating anything. I CAN cook. Just not physically, or mentally any more). So ive been eating terribly within my already limited diet. (And my jaw wont stop popping and cracking painfully every time i chew anything which is so humiliating and frustrating and painful and i cant eat a lot of foods i used to.)

There just too much going on all at once and im fucking sick of everything. I was already at my fucking limit before my mom fucked off to do pet sitting for a relative and went back on her word that she'd bring the dog to stay at our house. Which means ive gone since May without treatment for my back except for the chiropractor i see right after my therapy appointment. Which i dont think is doing enough. I dont know what more can be done when i constantly have to do back breaking things around the house. And when i told my mom ab how im not able to get the care i need because of her leaving, she turned it on me and said it was my fault for not making an appointment. Fucking gaslighting asshole. How the fuck am i supposed to get to an appointment 30-40 minutes away when i dont have the car? (Because theres no where local that will take my insurance, and i dont think even the places 30-40 minutes away will take it either.)

I dont know how anyone manages to live. Just existing is constant pain due to fibromyalgia and arthritis. Its constant hypervigilance and fear from the endo. Its extreme treatment-resistant depression (i fucking wish antidepressants worked on me lmao but that was the most miserable 5 years of my life trying every class of them). Its gender dysphoria and i cant transition because i cant work or live independently (its not safe for me to come out or transition while living in grandpas house hed kick me out). Its loneliness because i have like 2 friends i occasionally talk to online but no one close and were not on the same circles even, not like i even have a stable internet connection to do anything more than just over messaging. I dont have the mental energy to be friends w anyone either bc i have nothing to offer. Existing while alive is a full time job with no pay or benefits. I dont even know anyone irl thats not relatives (im not close with anyone in my family at all) or a doctor. I dont have a license or car because family wouldnt let me practise when i did have permits and i certainly can't afford the $12k a year it costs to own a car in Cali, let alone to purchase one. I cant work but im not disabled enough to be legally disabled. Certainly wouldnt be able to afford to live in this area/county even if i could do some work beyond an occasional online resale, which sucks because this is where my tribe is and i just wish this area was a better fit for me. Just doing things around the house is what caused my back to go out in the first place and now its a chronic fucking issue, and i can barely walk to the mailbox or do grocery shopping. Its not safe for me to live alone either, probably, even tho i cant handle living with roommates because im too asocial for them.

Im so sick of everything. Why do i have to be blamed for the electricity. Im an artist and apparently using the skills i spent 4 years learning at college and countless hours improving on my own is using too much electricity if i turn on my computer to participate in a week of a drawing challenge. What if i had a fucking work from home job?? (Not like that would ever happen, grandpa wouldnt choose the cheaper and faster internet plan i told him to go with and instead chose a more expensive plan with a different company that has a data cap, so now it sucks for no reason other than that he doesnt want to take advice from either a woman or a young person! [Im not a woman but he doesnt know that]). I cant even try to apply for any kind of work from home job bc of the internet. Its hard enough trying to make a call over data, having to put it on speakerphone and reach my phone against my room window while i lean over the counter. I was already unemployed before the pandemic due to the same mental health issues i havent stopped suffering from.

I wish that i wanted to live and do better for myself but whats the fucking point any more. I dont even want to live. I have no fucking reason to. At all. Im only alive bc there's no good way to die. Every day i think about how much i wish i didnt exist. It sucks and theres no fucking treatment that works. Therapy probably helps but its not making improvements for me when there are too many things out of my control making my life completely fucking miserable, its just damage reduction at this point.

I even exercise. Often. Despite the pain in my back and everywhere else. It does not help when i have fibromyalgia. Im in extreme pain even with the lightest exercise. But ive been exercising since the last endo flare up in fucking march in the hopes itll make my next endo flare up a little less worse if im stronger. Who knows if its working. Guess ill find out after the end of this month. God im so fucking scared.

I dont want to do anything rn im just so fucking miserable. But now my room is heating up since its the end of the day and im sweating too much to keep lying in bed being miserable. Idk what im gonna do. Besides ignore the ideation and knowledge about where my sharp objects are. I was working on sewing but i lost steam because of grandpa blaming me for the electricity sending me down a spiral. As if im not already doing enough cleaning up the whole fucking house and trying to prevent mold growth from the leak he caused and then laughed it off and wouldnt help me move (not my) furniture to prevent water damage.

Fuck i still have to measure the carpet padding so i can buy more later. At least the carpet itself is safe. Its getting dark out and i threw that padding shit outside and forgot about it last week so i dont wanna deal with measuring that right now. Ugh.

What do i even do when im too fucking depressed to do anything at all?? No one fucking prepares you for how fucking miserable being alive actually is.

#delete later / /#depression / /#chronic illness / /#vent / /#Cori.exe #Post.exe

0 notes

bytedykes · 2 years ago

Text

COMPLETELY FORGOT TO DO THIS OMG, tagged by @bi-demon-ium HI GREBO!!! HI HI HI

rules: tag game! tag people and have them tell you your top ten favorite characters of all time (doesn’t have to be in order).

i loooove rambling i will ramble about each of these btw ❤ i am my own enabler (and procrastinating hw rn ahahaha...ha...h)

Will Byers (stranger things) - i LOVE will SO MUCH!!!! i love him soo so much he is my sweet can of peach preserves i want to swing him around like a ferret literally obsessed with him rn. everything about him makes me want to scream and cry and throw up every day im so thankful will exists nobody gets him like me. honorable mentions el who is practically one unit with will so i can legally put her on the same bullet point, and also all the other st characters who im also obsessed with who are not getting their own bulletpoints but i still want to acknowledge them bc i love them.... soo much.......

MAGNUS BANE (shadowhunters tv) - *long drawn out scream* tbh hes probably the first character i was like, really and truly obsessed with, like honestly magnus bane kicked off an Era for me regarding my derangement and how i participate in fandom. magnus bane was the catalyst of a whole gender awakening for me. magnus bane is my everything. i love him and his husband. yeag

Phoenix Wright (ace attorney) - OBSESSED WITH HIS PATHETIC BISEXUAL SWAG no further commentary needed. honorable ace attorney mentions go to maya fey and klavier even tho i have not gotten to him in game yet. i know imgonna love him when i do go back to playing aa4 so he counts

Bart Curlish (dirk gentlys holistic detective agency tv 2016) - THE MOST WOMAN EVER!!!!!!!! the peak of grimy murder women. they peaked with her here. we need more women like bart

Farah Black (dirk gentlys) - OUGH couldnt resist putting farah in here too bc shes also SUCH a woman i love everything about her she is perfect. honorable dghda mentions goes to tina and amanda and dirk and every other character in this show. shakes them up and down puts them all into the pear wiggler even

Diego Hargreeves (umbrella academy) - i love insane men with sharp objects and insane morals

Constance Contraire (the mysterious benedict society tv) - i love insane little girls who have plotted murders canonically on screen and have insane familial relationships

Ben Hargreeves (umbrella academy) - wait ok sorry to double dip again but i cant believe i forgot how obsessed with ben i was?? i spent literally 3 years blogging about him and drawing almost exclusively him?? i even created a crackship with him to torment my best friends with??? ben i am so sorry. how could i have forgotten. i love ghosts who are younger brothers who are big bitches

lowkey cannot even think of anyone else lmao. im gonna say Megamind from the movie Megamind bc i love that movie and i love him. me when autistic blue men from space <3

i genuinely cannot think of anyone else i only rlly started having Favorite Characters around age 10-11 but all of the guys i liked from then i dont care much about anymore so i wouldnt say theyre All Time Favorites. and since then i have been majorly into only like 5-6 pieces of media where i had True Blorbos, Personality Shaping Characters, so like. that might be it? im probably just blanking im sure ill think of a few more characters i love after i hit post on this but ehhhh whatever live laugh love <3

edit: TOOTHLESS HOWTOTRAINYOURDRAGON. HOW COULD I FORGET YOU

okkkk thats it i guess !! i love being so so normal about fictional character just me and my blorbos having a normal sane time

no pressure to do this but tagging @tmoblrina @toadstoolillustrations @urlocallesbiab @jonathansbowlcut annnnd my wifi just went out! so no one else <3 peace on earth

#tag game #TY FOR TAGGING ME IN THIS GERT I LVOE U THIS WAS FUN !!!#no one is allowed to judge me for my taste in characters btw i promise i have coolsexyawesomer ones i just CANT THINK OF THEM RN!!!!#but also some of these are SO coolsexyawesome already i promise. take my hand

6 notes · View notes

ratanslily · 4 years ago

Text

Irreplaceable

pairing: bryce lahela x f!mc (Dr. Theia Valentine)

genre: angst but with happy ending.

about the fic: im just giving bryce's premium scene some closure ♡

inspo: this post by @ofpixelsandscribbles

a/n: I've never written for my mc before oof i hope i did her justice!! honestly this fic was so rushed (like all my fics lmao, i write on impulse, not meticulous planning and its a self indulgent fics so i dont rlly expect people to read because i kinds wrote it for my own sanity)

"We should do this much, much more often"

"Agreed."

Bryce looked around the on-call room. So much changed, the beds, the technology, the lights... and maybe them. or maybe he was the one who changed.

Theia smiled and took his hand in his, beckoning him to accompany him back to the party. He slowly removed her hand away from his and took a step back. his face grew serious as he said,

"its.. probably not a good idea"

"why?"

"its just.. I don't know.. just go ahead, without me, I dont want to draw attention to us."

Theia could tell there was much more to Bryce's strange behaviour. Ever since they started their third year, she could see something was wrong with him, something was troubling him. but when they'd get intimate, all worries would go away and he'd get back to his normal self.

so what happened?

"so it's all a game to you, isn't it?"

"wh-what?"

"you don't need me.. you just want me to satisfy your needs"

"liste-"

"No, Dr. Lahela. listen to me.", Theia raised her voice as her eyes started glistening with fresh tears.

"was it all a game to you? I thought we had something special.. something unique.. something homely.. when you dropped your fries just to kiss me..when you comforted within these same 4 walls, when we longed to feel each other when I was sick, when you walked me home after the funeral.. I guess I was a fool, I was just a distraction to you, wasn't it?"

she turned on her heels and made way to the door. Before her hands could even touch the handle, she felt Bryce's shaking hand on her shoulder.

"Theia.. please. please stay."

"what for?"

as much as she wanted to resist, she turned back to find Bryce on the verge of tears, with a face full of longing for her.

---

Bryce never hated anything more than the sight of Theia in pain. tonight, he made her cry.

He never meant to hurt her. but he always knew this day would come, especially since they started their third ywar of residency. He knew she and him would end up on different paths.

so why try? why grow close, just to fall apart? kiss, just to say goodbye? make memories, just to move on and forget them?

but he fell, he fell hard for her. against his best wishes. he found himself caring more for her rather than himself. he found her tears as his own. maybe more painful than his own. when he found her alone on the floor, crying all by herself, he couldnt stop himself from comforting her, feeling the same hurt as she did. they grew closer faster than he imagined, but he loved every second of their relationship.

the day he saw Theia behind the glass walls, trying to reach for him, he aligned his hand on hers, with a glass wall between them. he needed her more than ever in that moment. that night, when he sat by her side, close but not close enough, he felt it.

he felt it surging thru his veins.

he felt love.

but he didnt admit it, for the fear of rejection.

he thought of himself as someone who was easily replaceable, someone who was just a second option to others, never the priority.

little did he know, all Theia wanted is, him by her side, no one else. She never thought of him as the second option, but as the only option.

---

Theia softened at the sight of him holding back his tears and silently cursed herself for being the reason behind his tears.

"im sorry for being so loud, but tell me one thing, Bryce. Do you even need me anymore?"

her words struck him right in the heart.

"if you dont have any answer, I'll go. I'll never bother you again.."

He looked right into her eyes, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

As the tears gently rolled down his cheek, he said,

"I need you, Theia. I need you by my side. I need you to be by my side at every moment of my day, not just at fancy rich parties, but by my side when i wake up to find you curled up in the sheets, when I make coffee for us and you scoff at the amount of sugar i put in our latte, when there's something on my cheek during lunch and you offer to kiss it off. when i have trouble sleeping at nights and you offer to cuddle me until i feel safe. when i hate the movie you pick, and doze off with my head of your shoulder. I would always need you. But.. what if.. one day.. we don't need each other anymore?"

"what if one day.. say when you've completed your third year here and get a job in a place far away, away from me, away from us. what if there's no "us" anymore? what if you find someone better? what if one day, i end up badly heartbroken, if you ever do so? better keep my distance to lessen the pain, isnt it? Im replaceable, after all."

She couldn't believe the words he said, the feelings he was going through. She felt more horrible than ever for lashing out at him when he felt all of this.

She held his hand, and guided him to one of the beds. they sat down together, with her head on his shoulders. Tonight, roles were reversed, she was the one comforting him.

"I didn't know you felt all of this, and im sorry that I misjudged your behaviour."

she rubbed his arms, soothingly and continued,

"I dont know how to tell you this, but i can never go away from you, ever. for physically we may be apart but emotionally and mentally, i find my home and my residence in your heart. I just-"

she took a deep breath.

"I just love you so much. I dont want you to drift apart from me. and from us. I maybe a doctor and such sentimental stuff may sound crazy, coming outta my mouth but, I just want to make one thing clear."

she carefully removed her head from his shoulders and turned to look at him.

"Dr. Bryce Lahela, your name is engraved in my every heartbeat. Other people may try to change it, but I know they're gonna fail, as I don't love anyone else apart from you. Do i make this clear?"

Bryce's lips curled into his classic beautiful smile as he started to speak, but Theia cut him off.

"and you better not call yourself replaceable next time, or im gonna punch you so hard."

she playfully punched him, earning a hearty laugh from him.

"Now, now Valentine, would you give me the mic to talk?"

She nodded and he continued.

"I don't think I expected a love confession to be in the very room we hooked up, ans honestly its kind of iconic, though i expected a few roses and all that glam..."

".. but you're enough to make my heart leap with joy. No roses needed, no chocolates required."

he took a moment to choose his words,

"I may be good at giving prep talks and all that stuff, but wow, I suck at this. Its probably cause i never did this before.. so let me get to it.. I love you too, Theia."

Theia crashed her lips into his for a fulfilling kiss as they both shared tears of joy, finally confessing their love after 2 years of pure longing and messing around.

"Whew, who thought these simple 4-5 words would be so hard to say?"

She simply nodded as she wrapped her hands around his for those precious moments of bliss and joy.

yes, the walls, the beds, the room and the infrastructure around them changed, but they were still the same 2 people as from before, with the same love and feelings in their heart.

and no amount of change could ever change that.

#playchoices #bryce lahela #bryce x mc #t fic tag #open heart #i dont know how to write lol

60 notes · View notes

99adelheid99 · 4 years ago

Text

cool so since I’m procrastinating anyways on my school work im just going to write a character study on beast! dazai

because I re read it and im sad and asagiri just loves to make everyone suffer

so spoilers for the beast au

((BTW IM SO SORRY TUMBLR MOBILE ISN’T LETTING ME CUT THE POST TO A READ MORE SO IM GOING TO TRY TO DO IT ON MY PC AND HOPE IT WORKS IF IT DOESNT IM SO SORRY;;;; ))

asagiri has already decided to make dazai a tragic character and break our hearts once, but he decided to also rip them out and spit on it.

in the canon world, we see dazai struggle through depression. ever since he was young he found there was no value in living as he says to mori in the fifteen arc. he tries throughout his life desperately to understand just why humans strive to live, why they fight so hard for their lives and work hard to live life to the fullest.

it’s no different in the many other worlds The Book had created, and that lonely hole in his chest is probably much bigger.

as explained by dazai in the light novel, the power of The Book does not effect him because of his ability, since The Book itself is an ability, dazai naturally cancels it out. because of this, dazai can practically “read his own memories” from the canon world. so he knows everything that happens in the original universe, that goes for every single dazai in every single au. every single one.

this in itself is probably one of the saddest things. if people not understanding dazai didn’t hurt enough in the canon world, imagine how horrible it is that the beast! dazai had suffer with this knowledge alone, because as mentioned, it’s not wise for a lot of people to know about The Book since the world they reside in will become unstable, and have a chance of disappearing.

at the end of the light novel we also learn of dazai’s plan. why he captured gin, and why he wanted to bring akutagawa and atsushi together.

it was for odasaku.

because dazai has the memories from his “original” self, he remember odasaku. he remembers how he died, he remembers that they were best friends, he remembers how odasaku was the only person who understood dazai to his core, he remember how much odasaku means to him.

but odasaku of this world doesn’t remember it at all. because to him it never happened. there is only the beast world and the beast world alone.

this is where the angst hits (harder lol)

dazai figures out (at some time idk when) that this is the only universe that odasaku survives (im not sure how exactly, im assuming he can read the memories of the other dazais? Idk)

he remembers odasakus passionate of becoming a writer, he remembers odasakus determination not to kill just so he could write his own novel.

and because I really do believe dazai has a heart shrouded in all that darkness, dazai wants the best for odasaku, dazai wants to make it so odasaku can continue to survive and write his novel.

so dazai being dazai makes this extremely elaborate extra ass plan to make sure it happens.

dazai knows that this world has a chance of disappearing since every time something is written down in The Book in any other au (I think? I believe it can be any one of them not just the canon one) The Book doesn’t create it out of nothing exactly, but borrows from other worlds to create what is written in the book to reality.

dazai’s afraid that this world might cease to exist, and if it does odasaku won’t get to write his novel in this only universe he survives in, odasaku won’t he happy and dazai doesnt want that.

now extra ass osamu here uses a lot of cruel tactics to get to his end goal, and it isn’t right at all, but I still have to sympathize because its just so painful lmao

during akutagawa and atsushi’s final battle, dazai goes to the lupin bar where he meets odasaku for the first time in this world. I feel like dazai fought with himself a lot not to visit odasaku during this time, probably wanting to do nothing else but to run to his old friend that he missed so damn much. and I think he couldnt resist in the end, I think he desperately wanted to see him one last time because from the very beginning he knew his own fate.

one of the many (lol) things that hurts me during this meeting is how dazai immediately jumps happily into conversation with odasaku when he sees him, how he invites him quickly to sit down with him (in which odasaku does but doesn’t sit right next to him, which seemingly hurts dazai, ouch my heart) and how he picks up conversation that dazai would normally have with odasaku in the real world, asking him if anything interesting happened to him that day or telling him about new suicide methods he tried, which leaves odasaku heavily confused as he kind of awkwardly replies to each question.

now because the pov during this scene is in oda’s, we don’t get know exactly what dazai is thinking, but oda describes his posture and reactions well for us to take a guess of how hard it is for dazai to not have probably the most important person in his life not know or care about him.

dazai tightening his grip around his glass, or dazai looking like a happy child in one second to trying to compose his emotion with a small smile in the next, these reactions happen when odasaku keeps bringing up how he doesn’t know dazai and how confused he is. and dazai trying to hold onto something, someone, who made him so happy. trying to ignore the pain he feels and grasp on to the good memories he has but odasaku doesn’t.

and then there’s the part in the bar that asagiri decided to write because he’s a writer and like all authors, lowkey likes to see his audience suffer.

when dazai calls oda by his nickname odasaku once again trying to get him to understand him, the man replies:

“Don’t call me Odasaku. There is no reason of an enemy to call me that.”

yeah I cried

I cried a lot

dazai’s reaction didn’t help either.

The young man suddenly seemed to have trouble breathing…He fought against something invisible.

in this world, dazai probably mastered concealing his emotions (he does in like every world, but he’s much more grim in this one so) he put up this wall and put on a mask for everyone but odasaku, he let his wall down and odasaku didn’t acknowledge it, didn’t bring him some sort of comfort like he did in the canon universe. not intentionally of course, not because odasaku was cruel, but odasaku didn’t know dazai as anything else but his enemy. for all he knows, dazai could be trying to manipulate him.

theyre enemies. they could never be friends in this world. but dazai seems to still try, even a little.

in the end, they part ways. dazai putting on that mask once again, and acting like this whole meeting didn’t just destroy him. because it would be worth it in the end, odasaku would live, be happy, write his novel.

dazai would suffer, but that’s okay. odasaku hates dazai, but that’s okay.

because odasaku is alive. odasaku is happy. and to dazai that’s enough.

we get to the ending that no one wants to read because we’re already in pain and we know asagiri is waiting there with a shotgun to deliver the final blow.

dazai arrives after akutagawa and atsushi’s fight to reveal his reasoning behind his plan. how atsushi and aku have to work together protect The Book to make sure this world doesn’t disappear just for oda, and he mentions how no more then two people can know about the existence of The Book also for the protection and stability of their world.

atsushi decides to so some quick maths then, and realizes in horror that dazai has slowly made his way to the edge of the building.

he pleads with dazai to not do it, but theres obviously no stopping him.

and in that moment I believe for the first time in a long time dazai is truly content.

the hatred towards him is heavy, but it doesn’t matter to dazai because odasaku is safe. he completed his mission.

dazai planned all of this from the very beginning up to his death. now, arguably, despite dazai’s heartwarming end goal he was still an awful person. he was abusive and manipulate. he hurt and killed others to get what he wanted. he was not a good person

but he suffered so much for the sake of one person, he knew his ending wasn’t going to happy, but the end goal was enough. the end goal made it worth it.

osamu could never tell anyone about his pain, not even his best friend. he had to instead put on the mask of the cruel boss of the port mafia. people either had to hate him or fear him. no one could ever love him, no one could ever care for him. and osamu knew that. from the very beginning. asagiri truly wrote a tragic but beautiful character.

now if you’ll excuse me im going to go cry :)))

#i cried while writing this #im so sorry #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #bsd beast light novel #bsd beast #beast dazai #character analysis #oda sakunosuke #odasaku #bsd odasaku

125 notes · View notes

daesungindistress · 4 years ago

Note

i left bb behind quite a bit ago, but i was a fan for so long that i kind of sub consciously think of them. so when i saw that shinee announced a comeback so soon after enlistment i couldnt help but think oh... they did it just like That. how come bb couldnt comeback as well? why do they have to rely on concerts n coachella n all those sorts of things. other groups have been coming back as normal during covid so... it's not that. but now ive seen this gd post n ive read what youve written and i think they really must be waiting for s****ri and for a space to open up where mostly international vip are. ot5 bb won't survive in korea and bc of the pandemic thats really the only option they have in terms of promotions/concerts rn. it might also be that theyre just trying to figure it out amongst themselves. like what Do they want to do. do they hope if they wait long enough he may be cleared n they can get the max amount of fans still being around? are they afraid of the public? are they just as confused as we are? are they themselves split by who still supports him and who doesn't? i imagine it can't be an easy.

I’ve had the same thoughts re: their inactivity, however, keep in mind Shinee didn’t go through what Big Bang did during their enlistment. I mean... yes, they lost a member in 2017, I’m aware of that, but that was... different, and tragic in its own way. It didn’t send the public’s or their fans’ perception of them down the drain, didn’t fill the people who needed to be there for them when/if they came back with disgust and distrust the way Big Bang’s scandals have. Case in point: about two months after the last of the BB members were discharged from the army, Youngbae was the first to give a public sit-down interview and was told straight-up by the interviewer that the general opinion of the group was “It’s too soon [for a comeback].”

This came up as they were discussing Coachella. Coachella. To be invited was an honor. BB should have been elated by the opportunity to represent their country on one of the world’s biggest stages, and from Youngbae’s words it sounded like they wanted to be. Prior to enlistment and the series of scandals that followed I have no doubt Korea would have stood behind them with enthusiasm. Yet there he was, facing resistance from his own people who weren’t ready to receive them -- or from someone speaking on their behalf, anyway. Talk about taking the wind out of one’s sails.

Reminder: Youngbae was under the impression that they were invited to perform at Coachella under the theme reunion. And they accepted. As four.

When COVID happened and Coachella did not, that didn’t really leave Big Bang anywhere to go. I truly believe that was supposed to be their big break. Their new debut, if you will. It was their best chance to break back onto the music scene in a huge way people couldn’t help but be impressed by. The surest road back to something resembling respect for a group so in shambles. Add to that their status as one of YG’s “event groups,” utilized every time in true go-big-or-go-home fashion, until Big Bang can arrange something else of a similar scale the lack of a schedule throughout 2020, a year in which they couldn’t hold a single concert with a crowd, makes perfect sense to me.

I am not upset with BB personally for still being on hiatus. YG manages their public affairs, not their private ones, and we are of course still in the grip of a global pandemic. Never forget Daesung’s comment during his Dome Tour (this may not be verbatim but it’s close): “I don't decide when I come back, the company does.” What I’m upset about is the way they’ve been so ghostly quiet in the absence of a schedule. It’s how they’ve all but acted like the group doesn’t exist, even on their own time. Again, YG manages their public affairs, not their private ones. So why the silence?

But then, when they don’t have new content to share (or do have it but aren’t allowed to share it yet), and when sharing anything from the past sends all manner of mixed signals and provokes mixed reactions... you’re right about one thing. It can’t be easy.

So yeah, your concerns are valid and sometimes I too start feeling a little weak and fall prey to the same doubts. But then I review everything that’s led to where we are now and I’m not convinced that the lack of official group activity can be reasonably viewed as evidence of waiting for you-know-who. And I don’t think it’s right to compare them to other groups. Within Big Bang everyone except Youngbae has been embroiled in heavy controversy while they were enlisted from 2017-2019. So consider Burning Sun and the loss of a member of 12 years the proverbial nail in the coffin, and even as four, a Big Bang comeback was always going to be like making their way back from the dead, out of a swamp, up a cliff, through a minefield, and... well. You get the picture.

#ask #anon #bigbang

20 notes · View notes

pinkykitten · 4 years ago

Text

Waterbending

Avatar the Last Airbender - waterbending! Sokka x female! reader au

Specific/Warnings: fighting, violence, fluff, romance, race neutral reader, earthbending reader

Words: 2,562

Requested: sokka x reader who admits that she has ancestors linked towards the lion turtles and her bloodline has the ability to grant bending and to take it away just like the lion turtles and gives sokka waterbending after he was upset and felt useless for not being able to bend in one episode?

Authors Note: i know i said i wasnt going to do this but i couldnt resist; i posted this fic on my side blog but i deleted my side blog and im posting it here; skdgfdkgnfkg also my first au! hope you guys like!!! ;3

You were all exhausted having been chased by Azula. All of you barely had any sleep. You made camp thinking she was far away when in reality she was behind you and following you. It was the same pattern, set up camp, try to sleep, see her and then run away. Even Aang was getting tired of the repetitiveness of it all and was seeking to fight her.

There were dark bags under your eyes. You felt your muscles begin to shake knowing you needed rest. You felt pity for your friends.

Aang langed in a small abandoned Earth Kingdom town. You all were about to fight but you didn’t know if you had the strength to do it.

Azula was fighting Aang and her brother Zuko.

“I think he’s in trouble,” you shouted to Katara as she entered into the collapsed building to save Aang.

Azula stormed out and Sokka fought with her. He swung his boomerang back and forth, trying to cut or bruise her in any way.

You were stiff frozen. There was so much happening around you all at once. You heard nothing else except the beating of your heart. The thumps became faster and harder. Your friends were in danger and you felt useless.

Azula smirked as she pushed Sokka to the ground. He fell back and with fear in his eyes he brought his hands up to block his face. Azula felt powerful and that she conquered the world. Azula cackled as she lifted her hand to bring a igniting flame of fire to blow to Sokka’s face.

You sprinted as fast as you could and tackled Azula.

“Oh I see,” Azula shook the dust off her clothes, standing in a battle position with you opposite. “Is this your little lover boy? Do you care for this boy?” She scoffed.

You were shaking like trees in the wind. This was your first time going head to head with Azula, the fire princess.

“Well, come and get me.”

“No Y/N,” Sokka tried to stop you. He was immensely worried and had a strong bond, connection, with you.

With a loud shriek you sprinted toward Azula. She kicked fire towards you and you broke it with sprouts of rocks. Azula punched more short blasts to you with you successfully disinterested them with a wave of earth but then they became too much at a fast ongoing rate, so you produced a rock shield, separating you and Azula.

“Are you afraid? Scared to fight?” Azula taunted you. She wanted a reaction, she wanted you angry. To let go and forget the energy bond you created with the spirits.

You sat crisscrossed on the sandy dirt.

“What are you doing Y/N?” Sokka sprinted behind the wall you made. He brought your face into his hands and softly touched your cheeks. “If you stay here and not do anything, she’ll kill you. You’ll die.” Sokka’s voice was cracking. He couldn’t let another love of his life sacrifice themselves for others. He couldn’t go through with it again. He wouldn’t let someone so important to him lose their life. Sokka was frustrated and snapped, he punched the shield, feeling worthless. He watched those around him get hurt and he couldn’t do a thing about it. “I can’t watch you get hurt.” He coiled up into himself not wanting you to see his pain.

You lifted his chin so he could gaze into your eyes, “I’m okay Sokka. Don’t worry about me.” You beamed as you brushed his tears away. You inched closer as your lips made contact with his. It ended the minute it started. It was unsure. You were unaware if he liked you in that manner and your fate was unknown in this moment. You bent the earth with a stomp of your foot to make it pop from the ground and throw Sokka in the air to get him away from danger.

You closed your eyes and mediated on the energy within you. You felt the spirits opening up to you and allowing you to be one with them. It was such a light and good feeling. You felt you were flying though the clouds, your body felt weightless like a feather. You believed in them, in yourself, in your past, creating a connection with all life. You exhaled and to every present they were astounded when they saw you bend the energy to create an astral projection of yourself. Your earth bending walls crumbled and you grew bigger and bigger.

The others around you began to gasp and be in awe.

“I have never seen that,” Iroh spoke breathlessly.

Aang focused on you, speechless that you had that relationship with the spirit world. “She’s amazing.”

Azula in that moment was more frightened than any time ever. Her eyes widened at your form. Now she was frozen.

In your new form you walked slowly, looking at your friends and some foes. You raised your leg high in the air and clashed it against the ground, trying to strike Azula. Azula dodged the attack and did a spiral of fire against you. It did not damage. You were able take the harsh beating. You moved your arms in unison above your head in a loop and one by one the pieces of the abandoned building were starting to come apart and rip from the dirt and they were floating high above you. Your astral form smirked and in a snap you threw the pieces of debris on Azula.

You thought you got her. You thought you won.

Your spirit walked back to your physical body, ready to be one again when Azula sprinted from out under the debris. You saw her through your peripheral vision. Your brain wanted to fight but your body said no. You knew the spirits were trying to tell you something. You were too exhausted from not getting enough sleep that bringing your other form out was too much for your body to handle. Your astral form got smaller and smaller, your body weaker and weaker. Azula was right beside you ready to ignite your body in flames when Zuko acted and swayed fire to her to protect you. You felt your body give out and became normal again. Your body became limp and you fell back into Sokka’s arm. “Y/N!” He shouted to your face. You had more bags under your eyes, exhaustion clear on your face. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She used too much of her bending,” Aang said as Zuko fought with his sister. “Her body is getting weak. She needs sleep.”

Sokka laid you to rest and saw red. He was angry with Azula that she tried to hurt you but he was also angry with himself. He couldn’t protect you like he wanted to and that killed him on the inside. Sokka cornered Azula and the others did as well. It was six against one.

She finally admitted her defeat. Iroh smiled as he looked at dear Toph and Azula knew that was her opening. He let his guard down and she took it. You opened your eyes to see she blasted Iroh’s chest with fire. Your eyes widened in horror not knowing she would go that far and your lips quivered. Zuko cried as the others unleashed their powers on Azula and Sokka used his boomerang. All the power becomes an explosion creaming smoke. Azula takes this chance and disappears with the smoke.

Zuko was by Iroh’s side, crying. You and the others go behind him to comfort him.

“We can help him,” Katara reaches for Zuko.

“Leave!” Zuko shouts with a gust of fire.

Sokka carried you back to Appa to depart. You wanted to help and worry about Zuko and Sokka knew this from your face. He laid your head on his lap. “Please sleep. You can worry about them later.”

You knew Sokka was right and you closed your eyes feeling the soft comfort of Sokka by your side.

You were finally feeling better having slept for most of the day that it was already night. The others were sleeping and you thought to take it upon yourself to get items for the camp.

You knelt down to pick up water from the river. The night was peaceful and quiet as the wildlife spoke at dark. You were alone, thinking when you heard the crunch of leaves. You stood your ground as the figure stepped out from the woods.

“Woah, hold on there.” Sokka chuckled as he held his hand out in surrender. “I’m one of the good guys.”

You chuckled, “I know that. How’d you sleep?” You collected the rest of the water while Sokka sat on a boulder over looking the water. You sat beside him.

“It was okay. Appa keeps shedding though and it gets stuck in my nose.” Sokka wrinkled his nose, cross eyed.

You giggled in your hand, “its actually really soft.”

The splashing of water from playing fish could be heard. It was silent for a while.

“How did you do that?”

“Did what?” You asked trying to feign obliviousness. You were insecure about your energybending. You didn’t want to try to seem better than the avatar. You wanted to be normal and not want others to see you differently.

“You know what I mean Y/N.”

You bit your lip in thought, “when I was a baby I was born with unique bending abilities, ones that were granted to you if you so were chosen by the lion turtle and he had faith in you. My parents didn’t know until we were visited by the spirits and met with the lion turtle. He told my parents that our ancestors were one of the first men to have bending abilities and were favored by the lion turtle. Our lineage was one of the first and its been past down from generation after generation. My parents were shocked to know that they possessed this power but I possessed it with higher greatness in that I could take and grant others bending abilities. I’m sorry Sokka I didn’t tell you, I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what, Y/N? For me to love you any less? Not a chance,” he caressed your arms. Sokka shook his head as he kicked the dirt.

“What’s wrong, dear?” You asked. You were certain it was because of the aspect of that you didn’t tell him about your powers.

“It’s nothing, it’s just,” Sokka scratched the back of his head. “When I saw you almost get hurt by Azula I couldn’t do a thing about it. I tried fighting her earlier and you saw how that turned up, you had to save my butt.”

“Sokka!” You wanted him to quit talking that nonsense.

“Its true Y/N! You almost got killed by Azula and I couldn’t protect you. I had to just sit there and watch. I’m always too weak. I sometimes wish I was like you and the rest of them. I hate not being able to do anything and being useless!” He sat on the dirt, angry with himself.

You sat in front of him, touching his cheek. “I know what to do.” You stood up and put your thumb on his forehead.

“Woah, hold up, what are you doing?”

“I’m giving you what you want. Remember, I can take and give bending abilities. I’m going to give you one.”

Sokka’s eyes lit up and a smile grew on his face, “no way. You would do that for me?”

“Of course now hold still and just relax and let your mind be free.” You put your thumb on his forehead and your hand on his shoulder.

“Wait! Thank you Y/N.”

You grinned and did it once more and the power surged through you. Your hands began to glow as well as your eyes. You trusted the spirits and the energy and they knew who Sokka was.

Sokka invited the feeling. It was incredible! Sokka opened his eyes one second to take you in and you looked like a goddess granting him his wishes. You were so beautiful and concentrated. You were the love of his life.

You finally let go and felt a little drained. “I hope its what you wanted, I know you said you did but I just want to make sure its truly it. Oh wow I should of asked you before I didn’t mean-”

Sokka kissed your lips with a passion and force he almost knocked you off your feet. His smoothly glided over yours and bit your lip cutely. Your bodies were close as can be, faces flushed and nose bumping into one another. It was as if you both were each other breath of air. Your heart clashed against your rib cage from the excitement and adrenaline and out of love. You eyes became half lidded and you saw a circle of water around you two. You presumed it was Katara but realized it was actually Sokka. The waterbending was based on his emotions at the moment. He was still new and didn’t know to control it. You separated, “Look Sokka.”

Sokka saw himself waterbending and he almost felt tears come out of his eyes, “I’m actually doing it! I’m actually doing it!” He picked you up as he twirled you, you then two jumped up and down holding hands. Sokka leaned his forehead against yours, you both smiling like a bunch of silly love birds. “I love you Y/N. I love you more than anything in the world.”

“I love you Sokka. You did it my love. You did it.”

Sokka needed training before any big fight so you along with the other decided to teach him how to use and control his powers. Sokka was giddy and ecstatic to use his waterbending that he was all over the place and jumping all the time.

“Now that we’ve taught you a lot I want you to use it on me. Give me everything you got!” You were the last class of the day and not only did this help strengthen Sokka with his abilities but it made you both get closer and fall more in love with each other. “You got this Sokka. I believe in you!” Your smile almost made Sokka faint.

“I love you!”

“I love you more!” A huge boulder came in Sokka’s path but he missed it just in time.

“What the heck was that?”

“Pay attention! No more talking, boy! Fight me!” You pretended to be the boulder.

“Oh my God,” Sokka tried to stifle his laugh. “You know you do a pretty good boulder impression.”

“Thanks, it comes from like the back of the throat and then you-” you shrieked as a huge wave splashed on you sending you away. You were angry. “What the heck was that?”

Sokka smirked seeing you soaked. “You’re good, but not that good.” With a wink he got on his hands and started to spin, sending a gush of a halo formation water above you from his feet.

You were proud of Sokka. Everyday he just kept getting better and you knew one day to the rest of the world Sokka would be a hero, a great legend but to you, he’ll always be your Sokka. The boy you met that was benderless and always carried around his trusty boomerang.

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @dirbel, @eastcoasthaven, @fangirl-4-life415 (wont let me tag), @melonreblogsstories, @fandomchick80

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

Please Reblog, like or comment! It means a lot to me and I truly appreciate it:)

105 notes · View notes

too-kinky-to-live · 5 years ago

Text

drug

creative title ik

tbh i think this came out way longer than it should have, felt like i was just rambling on i couldnt help myself lmao

anyway, here’s an oum.asai stuffing fic i’ve been working on and off on since... october 2019. jesus christ. also this is my first time ever posting a fic online, meaning ive never had anyone read my stories before o.o so criticism is welcome! (and if its good enough i might post it on ao3)

Ouma learned an important lesson that day: never take unknown substances from Iruma’s lab.

In hindsight, he really should have seen this coming. A lone piece of candy sitting on a desk should have looked more suspicious than it had. Still, Ouma had to fulfill his self-proclaimed duty of messing with Iruma’s stuff, popping the blue oval-shaped candy in his mouth and swallowing it without a second thought.

Skipping cheerfully through the halls to find his next prank victim, Ouma licked his lips of the tasty raspberry flavor. If Iruma was such a great inventor, surely she could make a machine to generate a bunch of sweets for him to steal. His mind raced with the images of cakes and brownies, and his mouth slightly salivating at the thought.

What the hell?

Ouma stopped in his tracks. He had never thought about food so strongly before, what was with him today? Before he could dwell on it further, a searing pain tore through his stomach. Ouma doubled over onto his knees, clutching his middle and hissing in pain. Only one word ran through his head.

Hunger.

Going long periods of time without food was nothing new to Ouma, due to his poor upbringing. He should be used to an empty stomach, but damn. This was on a whole new level. Giving in to his hunger, he made a beeline to the dining hall, praying that no one was there to see the Supreme Leader shaking like a leaf.

Ouma hastily grabbed onto the chairs as he inched his way to the kitchen. If anyone were in the room, they’d describe Ouma’s gaze of the fridge as predatory. Ouma raised a shaky hand to the door handle and swung it open to reveal a smorgasbord of delicacies.

Chicken, steak, pasta, pies, cakes, soup… Ouma had never seen so much food in one place!

Licking his lips to clean up the drool forming, Ouma grabbed a bunch of plastic containers of meat and pasta and shoved them into nearby microwaves. Of course, his stomach wasn’t willing to wait around for that. A roar from his belly forced him to swipe a strawberry shortcake from the fridge. Ouma plopped himself on the floor and ravenously dug in, scooping up handfuls and shoving them into his gaping maw. The Supreme Leader moaned in ecstasy, tasting the sugary sweet confection.

Even if he wasn’t alone, he couldn’t muffle his absolute bliss. And within ten seconds flat, Ouma was already lifting the last glob of cake above his mouth, dropping it in and making it history with a single gulp.

The microwaves dinged in unison to reveal the next courses. Under any normal circumstances, Ouma would be bouncing off the walls from a sugar high. Strangely, though, his mind only repeated one command to the rest of his body: eat. Eat, eat some more, and then eat some more after that. Even his stomach seemed to agree, despite the fact it was pushing against his uniform.

Soon enough, the only noises that could be heard were gulping, slurping, munching, and moaning from a happy Ouma. His cheeks became perpetually bulged as he kept himself busy chewing on whatever he could get his hands on.

“Mmmmph… ‘sho good…” he moaned through a mouthful of pasta, before sending it down with an audible gulp. The tightness of his uniform didn’t hit him until he felt a shirt button pop off, giving him a brief release from the pressure. The satisfying pop snapped Ouma out of his stupor, and when he looked down at himself…

Holy shit.

Was that beach ball-shaped thing his stomach? He curiously placed a hand on top, feeling the mass of food churn busily within him. The small, skinny leader never would have imagined himself with a bloated belly, and yet, it was oh so satisfying. His muscles lost their tension and Ouma allowed himself to relax into the sensation, rubbing his swollen tummy gingerly. It was only fitting for someone in his position to be treated to a feast - why didn’t he think of this earlier?

He glanced over at the open fridge to see it almost empty. Like the light at the end of the tunnel, his greedy gaze settled on a large 2 liter bottle of Panta. Or, according to Ouma, the elixir of the gods. It took a bit of effort to turn his body sporting extra weight over to the bottle; but for Panta, any amount of pain was worth it. He slowly grabbed the bottle and unscrewed the cap, licking his lips eagerly. After a king-sized feast like this, it was only natural to wash it all down with his favorite drink.

Bringing the bottle to his lips, he proceeded to chug the whole thing. His neck bobbed with the intake, and his belly was steadily expanding for the new content. More buttons began to pop off his shirt until his bare tummy was exposed for the world to see, in all its distended glory.

Slowly but surely, the bottle’s contents were drained down the gluttonous leader’s gullet. As if to emphasize his triumph, he made sure he was as loud as possible with each swallow.

Finally, he separated himself from the empty bottle and nonchalantly tossed it aside. Ouma breathed a heavy sigh of relief and lightly patted his belly.

“Ooooof, that hit the spot.”

Suddenly, his insides began to bubble and churn, his stomach gurgling in protest. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… Ouma felt a pressure rise to his mouth, and he swiftly brought a hand to cover it, but he was powerless to stop what came out.

“Huuuuuurrrrrp!”

Ah, that was much better. He glanced down to see his stomach reaching his knees, and his bellybutton completely flat. Ouma remained on the floor in a daze, massaging his tummy to coax more belches out of it. Carefully, he eased himself to lay down on the floor, the movement causing a sharp hic! to escape.

This was by far the best day he’d ever had at this crappy school. Surely no one needed to use the kitchen…

“Screw ‘em,” he breathed. “It’s time for a nice nap…”

Saihara waved goodbye to Kaito as he left the dorms. Looking at his Monopad, it seemed he still had some free time left. His thoughts immediately drifted to Ouma, wondering what the rambunctious little leader did in his spare time. He did mention having a tea party with me once, maybe now is a good time? Saihara thought. Seeing Ouma’s icon in the dining hall, perhaps the leader had the same thought?

Saihara quietly made his way into the dining hall, only to find it completely empty. Ouma couldn’t have known he was coming, where is he? His thought was broken when he heard what sounded like… snoring coming from the kitchen. Saihara could only raise an eyebrow. His detective instincts kicked in as he reached for the door handle.

Nothing could prepare him for what he was about to witness.

The elusive Supreme Leader was sprawled out on his back, limbs spread out and hair an even bigger mess than usual. His soft snores broke the silence of the kitchen, his mouth agape with a variety of food smears surrounding it. Around his body were copious amounts of bones, crumbs, sauce, and plastic scattered around his slumbering form. By far the most striking sight, however, was his stomach.

Saihara’s eyes widened as they spotted the round mass. The tip was a bright red, a stark contrast to Ouma’s pale skin. Saihara found himself stepping towards it, unable to resist the allure. He had no idea how appealing this sort of thing was, but seeing the malnourished boy so well-fed… it was truly beautiful. An unsteady hand reached out to caress the orb, and as soon as he made contact with it, he couldn’t help but rub a little. Ouma’s breath hitched slightly, before relaxing with a contented smile. The boy’s smile was always contagious to Saihara, and this was no different.

He could only imagine what Ouma looked like gorging himself on hearty meals, Lord knows he deserved it. Saihara had to wonder why the boy would do this in the first place, though? The little leader never ate much around others, and Saihara certainly didn’t think he was the type to potentially expose himself like this.

...Not that Saihara was complaining, though.

Still, there were better places to nap than on the cold kitchen floor. In fear of making too much noise and waking up Ouma, Saihara opted to leave the mess and attempt to pick him up. “Attempt” being the keyword. The new weight attached to Ouma caused Saihara to grunt as he lifted the boy up in bridal-style. Kaito’s nightly training had definitely paid off.

While walking back to the dorms, Saihara was treated to the noises of Ouma’s stomach as it busily churned with glurps and gurgles. Nobody was around, so…

Saihara gave a quick peck to the boy’s belly.

If Ouma woke up from that, Saihara would have dropped him in shock. But then, an even more terrifying thought crossed Saihara’s mind. What if Ouma was faking this whole thing? The boy would suddenly wake up and reveal a fake lump on top of his real stomach, and proceed to laugh at Saihara, calling him a freak. The very possibility made his heart sink. Ouma sure was dedicated to this prank, if it was one.

Finally, Saihara reached the equally empty dorms. He made his way to Ouma’s door, and… didn’t open it. He felt as though he would betray Ouma’s trust by going into the boy’s room without permission. With how secretive the Supreme Leader was, access for his room felt like it had to be earned. And that’s just what Saihara was going to do. Turning around, he carried the boy to the other room.

Saihara took extra care to lay the overstuffed boy onto the bed after closing the door behind them. He had no idea this sort of thing was appealing to him, but he wasn’t about to deny it. Seeing Ouma sleep so peacefully was making him tired, so he got dressed in his pajamas and laid down next to the boy.

Uuugghh….

Ouma sat up, rubbing his head with a groan. Why did he feel so… heavy? A quick glance at his midsection brought him out of his grogginess. His stomach was a doughy mound, peeking over his pants and out of the bottom of his shirt. He poked at it curiously and was met with a soft, jiggly texture. Ouma found himself blushing slightly. How the hell did he get like this? The last thing he could remember was eating a candy from Miu’s lab and- oh. Of course. That bitchlet probably drugged it.

Upon further inspection, his buttons on his jacket were completely absent. The leader’s blush only became deeper. Ouma took a moment to take in his surroundings. He was seated in a bed that was far too neat to be his, and this definitely wasn’t his dorm room. Oh, and Saihara-chan was asleep at his side.

...Wait.

Ouma jumped back with a yelp, promptly waking Saihara up. The leader scrambled to pull his jacket over his tummy with little success, as a small part of it pooched out under. Sitting up, Saihara’s golden eyes darted to the concealed midsection, though it was no longer bloated like he had hoped.

“Saihara-chan, how could you do this to me?! Wahhhhh!” the leader sobbed. This was his test to see if Saihara was behind his transformation, depending on how the detective reacted.

Saihara faltered slightly, an expression of sympathy painted across his face. “I’m sorry Ouma-kun, I-I don’t have all the details, but I found you in the kitchen sleeping after your, um… lunch.”

‘Lunch’ was definitely an understatement. Ouma wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow got a hold of everyone’s lunch, given how big he was now. From Saihara’s seemingly genuine response, he couldn’t discern any trace of a lie. The detective found the courage for an interrogation, as he finally broke away from staring at the lump.

“How did you manage to eat that much, Ouma-kun? There had to have been at least twenty containers open,” he pondered, bringing a hand to his chin.

That was certainly the mystery. With his small stature, the leader didn’t have much of a capacity for food. Although, it was strange how big he still was even after a nap. Ouma had always been stick-thin due to his incredibly high metabolism, so why wasn’t it all digested by now?

“I remember taking candy from that cum dumpster’s lab, and it made me so hungry! Like I could eat an entire horse! Maybe even two… Nishishishi!”

The detective stared at him incredulously. “You took a candy. From Miu’s lab. Without knowing what it was.”

Ouma shrugged. “I was bored. And I thought there was no way that whore would make something that’d kill me.”

The smaller boy leaned back into the pillows, closing his eyes and resting his hands on his soft tummy. “Welp, at least I won’t have to eat dinner with you losers! I’m preeetty stuffed,” he sighed, giving his belly a light pat.

Only one of them was relaxing, though. Saihara was shuddering at this weird feeling. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the boy peacefully resting on his bed, and with an adorable belly to boot. Maybe since his eyes were closed, he could sneak a brief rub in…

“You can go ahead and touch, Saihara-chan. I won’t judge you too much!”

Ouma cracked open one eye halfway, smirking knowingly at the beet-red detective. Saihara gulped and moved his shaky hand over to the overstuffed boy. So warm… so soft… Saihara wanted to give it another kiss, but he highly doubted Ouma returned his feelings. He was probably only letting him do this so he could expose him to the rest of the students afterwards. The little leader seemed to notice Saihara’s hesitation, propping himself up on his elbows to face the taller boy.

“You should feel honored to be this close to the body of the Supreme Leader of evil! And as your leader, I command you to give me a nice belly rub. Come on, Shumai, don’t be shy!”

Well, who could resist an invitation like that?

Saihara began to knead his hands delicately to the protruding belly, applying more pressure to the boy’s sides. This caused Ouma to let out a small burp, taking both boys by surprise. Saihara found that he liked the sound… more than he’d like to admit. Thus, he started rubbing more forcefully. Normally Ouma would call him out for yet another gross kink, but relieving the excess air from his stomach was far more satisfying.

The detective continued to pamper the leader until he looked over to his wall clock. It was already 5 p.m.? He was getting pretty hungry, though he hated to leave the smaller boy like this.

“Ouma-kun, I’d like to go get dinner if that’s okay. You don’t have to come, and I can bring my food back here if you’d like.”

The purple-haired boy stared up at him with an unreadable expression. Without missing a beat, his face formed into a devilish smile.

“Ohhhh, I see. You wanna get me more food to eat, huh? You want an even bigger stomach to rub? You really are kinky, Shumai! Nishishishi!” he snickered, putting his arms behind his head.

Saihara almost choked. “T-That’s not it at all! I have to eat too, you know!” The detective may find the boy endearing, but his propensity to make things more difficult could only be handled so much.

Ouma sat up slowly, taking great care to not upset his still-bloated belly. “No worries, Saihara-chan, I was lying earlier. I’ll come with you! But first, I gotta change into a new uniform.”

Clutching his stomach, Ouma made his way to his room. At that moment, a thought came to Saihara’s mind. Would there even be food left? The kitchen was restocked daily due to Monokuma and his children. How often did they check for food? By now, he was certain that someone had seen the mess Ouma made. Saihara would hate to see his crush get in trouble for depriving everyone of one of Kirumi’s delectable meals.

The leader soon returned to Saihara’s room with a new uniform that... wasn’t doing much to hide his indulgence. Anyone could see the apparent bulge under his jacket, almost threatening to pop off another button. Saihara could tell his belt wasn’t as tight as before either. Before he could make a comment, Ouma quickly grasped his hand and pulled him towards the dining hall.

The two quietly made their way to the dining hall, only to see the group of fellow Ultimates arguing near the kitchen.

“I bet it was one of those degenerate males who stole our food.”

“Gonta not do it! Gentlemen never steal!”

“I bet it was the Monokubs!”

Saihara poked his head through the doorway, trying to hide Kokichi’s body from the others.

“Shuichi! You’re just in time!” Akamatsu’s cheery voice called. “We could really use your detective skills right about now.”

The students collectively turned around with relief washing over them, knowing their local detective could put them at ease. Ouma, on the other hand, was trying his best to hide his belly behind his arms. Unfortunately for him, it was a futile effort.

“Who needs a detective when you have the gorgeous girl genius! I’ve already found our food thief!” A certain blonde proclaimed, followed by her hearty laughter. Everyone turned to Ouma who, to Saihara’s amazement, kept his face completely straight. Before he could react, Iruma jabbed her finger into the leader’s sensitive belly, causing his mask to break and cringe in pain.

“What the hell, Ouma! This is a new low, even for you!” Kaito’s voice boomed.

Maki gave her signature death glare. “I could always cut him open as punishment.”

Saihara didn’t think it was possible, but Ouma’s face got even paler at her threat. He couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Everyone,” he cleared his throat, “I know we’re all upset at Ouma-kun. And… I know he pranks us a lot, but it’s always in good fun. Maybe he just got carried away with how good Kirumi’s food was. Ouma-kun told me that he would make it up to you guys by cooking for you guys tomorrow. Right, Ouma-kun?”

Ouma was speechless. His beloved Saihara-chan was definitely a bad liar, just as he suspected. But, the respect he gained from his peers could maybe make this work. So, just for the hell of it, he decided to comply.

“Of course, Saihara-chan! I’m gonna make a 5-star meal on my first try! I might even put Tojo-chan out of the job… Nishishishi!”

The Ultimates murmured among themselves, but Saihara wasn’t listening. Of course, he already decided he would help with the cooking.

But… he’d make sure there were leftovers for Ouma.

Lots of leftovers.

#stuffed ronpa #sorry for my cringe writing #pora's fix

35 notes · View notes

illfoandillfie · 4 years ago

Note

hi i hope you don’t mind me being nosey but i was wondering if i could ask a few things about u being aro? i kinda just wanted to know how u figured it out? and also do u still get feelings for people but choose not to pursue it? sorry if i’m kinda intruding i don’t mean to, just curious

i dont mind at all darl! (actually...lowkey i love when people are curious about it lmao so feel free to ask more questions) also this is going under a cut cause it got longer than i meant it to lmao

figuring it out wasnt easy and it took a lot of self reflection and like months of questioning and doing research and then worrying i was getting it wrong. Basically i first considered the idea that i could be aro when i was approaching my 25th birthday. A friend of mine (the only guy i’ve had any sort of a fling with) had announced he was engaged and i was completely down on myself wondering why i couldnt get a single date when he was off getting engaged (not that i even Wanted to get married i just would have liked some attention). I figured there had to be something wrong with me or something about me that was broken. And then i saw someone i followed at the time reblog a post about being aro. I’d seen the phrase a little before but never really considered it as fitting me but i’d also never really paid attention to what it actually meant.

I don’t remember what the post was exactly, it’s probably somewhere in the thousands and thousands of posts i’ve liked over the years but there’s no easy way to check so . Whatever it said it felt relatable enough that I went and googled aromanticism to try and figure out what it was and if it fit me. Because I was already in a headspace where I’d been thinking about my lack of a romantic history already, a lot of the stuff that i read had been stuff i’d been thinking about anyway. Like Reader said in Platonic when she was talking about how she figured it out, I’ve never had a proper crush. I spent months thinking about it after my friend told me he’d proposed. I have very vivid memories of literally deciding to have a crush on a boy in primary school because it seemed like i should (again, i included that directly in Platonic lmao down to the boys name and everything). And every guy I’ve had an interest in since has been either a brief physical attraction that i forgot about as soon as I wasn’t seeing him regularly or something that I deliberately manufactured either in an attempt to fit in with the people around me or because i was kind of bored. Even the cute music teacher at work last year like he was hot and i wouldnt have said no to a kiss or whatever but i just didn’t have any feelings about him beyond that.

While I was trying to figure out if I was aro I read a lot of websites. The AVENwiki has a page on aromanticism and I think also has pages on some of the aro-spec identities like greyromantic and demiromantic so that was a good starting point for definitions. Google also gave me a few different forums and stuff where aro people were talking about being aro. A lot of aromantic resources are tied up in the asexual community though because that’s where the language and everything was first suggested and what it evolved from. I don’t think that necessarily helped me feel comfortable using the term aro to describe myself because i’m pretty confident i’m not ace but the more I looked into it the more stuff I found from people who were allosexual but aromantic. Anyway, I spent weeks just googling “aromantic” and seeing what came up and rereading what i’d already read and resisting the fact that a lot of it fit me. Then I spent a while trying to find like a quiz or something that would just give me an answer. I found a few quizzes but all of them assumed at least one previous relationship so none of them were any use to me. But gradually I started feeling okay with calling myself aro. I think part of my hesitation was probably also because knowing I was aro didn’t feel like a solution it just felt my damage had a name. The other part is that romantic attraction is not easy to define which makes it hard to identify if you feel it or not so the part of me that wanted to be Normal kept being like ‘well if you dont know you cant call yourself aro’. But I thought about it a lot and I read any aro related post that crossed by dash and then ventured into the tumblr tag and found some helpful discussion stuff in there and then I started calling myself aro just quietly, only in my own head. It took a long time before I felt okay admitting that I was aro on my own blog but obviously i got there in the end lmao. That friend, the one who got engaged, he’s the only person i’ve told irl though.

as to your second question....

I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Truthfully, as i said before, it’s hard to know for certain and there is a possibility that i could form a romantic attraction to someone one day but i think it’s very unlikely. Other forms of attraction are different though. I can be attracted to people physically and sexually. And I think I could possibly be attracted to people in a platonic “man i’d really like to be their friend” kind of way though it doesnt come up very much because im not really one to like meet people. I like my own company.

But i’ve never really acted on any sort of attraction or feelings for others. I was definitely attracted to CMT but I never acted on it because it seemed like too much work. The was a guy who worked at a pop culture collectables shop a few years ago who i thought was very cute and I did contemplate asking him out but it just never felt like a real option and I sort of just ignored it until he left the job. So yeah I guess I do get some sorts of feelings and then choose not to do anything with them, but they aren’t romantic feelings. But like right now I’ve got no interest in anyone (apart from ben and roger but i guess they dont really count lmao). None of the teachers at work interest me and i havent met anyone else recently and it really isnt bothering me. Theres a guy in IT who i could possibly see myself fawning over a bit cause he’s handsome and has an unusual accent but he’s got the same name as my brother so i’ve already ruled him out as a no go lmao.

Anyway, hopefully that answered your questions! If there’s anything else you want to know or you’d like me to try and explain something more fully my inbox is always open!

#Anonymous #about me

1 note · View note

bubblegumdicc · 4 years ago

Photo

trying to find things that i thought i posted but apparently i didnt and it seems the majority of things i make havnt been posted and idk why so heres some sal and kala stuff, i dont remember if i talked about it or just posted the one pic, but kala(the baby) had a twin, as twins run in sals family, and bcuz of sharky instinct dna, they attempted to eat their twin. they had the teeth for it and it seemed like a normal labor/water breaking, and when they went to the hospital the ultrasound didnt really show what was happening, it just looked like the twins were u know, in a confined space. once blood started leaking out heavily with the amniotic fluid, they realized something must be wrong, and sped up the labor. kala was premie and their body couldnt digest the meat since they were a hybrid, they threw up a lot and had to stay in the nicu for a while. sal has a hard time ‘forgiving’ kala, even though they know that its not their fault from the start, hormones up their fear and they get freaked out by kala having black eyes(sal wasnt aware this was a trait from their moms side) and sure, they knew some shark species did the eating siblings thing, but they didnt think it would apply to them since they arent fully that species, and its practically unheard of since merpeople dont share info or contact land ppl in general. sal is also a little on the superstitious side, so theyre battling in their head between logic and ‘my baby is a demon’. at some point friseal mentions the black eyes was something from iras side of the family, sal still struggles with making a connection to kala, but the first time they see kala smile, it makes them cry and repeat what theyve been repeating in their head for weeks’its not your fault’. it takes time but they start forming a real connection and let go of the paranoia and fear of ‘demon baby’. and then theirs kala with their great grandma, and i couldnt resist making a joke out of it with her saying ‘i hear youre a good eater’ so lmao

#kala #salpicar #thedraws #my art #skeleton oc #hybrid

3 notes · View notes

yandere-musings · 6 years ago

Note

Hey I don’t know if requests are open or not so please just ignore this post if they aren’t!! Could you please do headcannons or a scenario of yan Dabi or Tomura with a somewhat apathetic fem s/o? She just lets things happens and “goes with the flow” (as best you can when you’re kidnapped). Eventually her captor has to bring up the fact that most people would be hysterical over being kidnapped by a notorious villain. Thank you so much!! 💕

I still don't have much experience writing for Shigaraki so I'm sorry if he's a bit ooc! aaah I tried! Hope you like it!

Dabi

Yandere Type: Possessive, Sadistic, Controlling

• He had been stalking you for a while before he even made his move. It was easy enough though to steal you away. Break in with the key he had made, hide in your closet until you left the room, slip the dissolving sedatives into your glass of water then go back to hiding until you were out cold. Sure enough, you drank every drop and passed out shortly after. Dabi couldnt help but smirk as he came out of hiding and scooped you up, marvelling at how perfectly you fit in his arms and how easily things had worked out.

•When you woke up in the run down apartment he had you locked in, rather than screaming and panicing... You just looked around. A pity really. Dabi was oh-so looking forward to seeing your expression when you realized what was happening. But rather than hearing the sweet sobs he was longing for, you just sat silently. Perhaps you were in shock?

• "My name is Dabi. You belong to me now... This is your new home. If you try to run away, I'll kill you," he told you.

"Oh... Okay.... I won't run then."

Wait... What did you just say? Was that supposed to be a joke? Were you trying to trick him? Dabi watched you carefully, trying to piece together what game you were trying to play. Surely it wouldn't be that easy to break you in. Dabi knew these circumstances were supposed to be horrifying, making your reactions all the more suspicious. You stood up and began walking around his room and inspecting your surroundings. You picked up magazine that laying on the floor.

"I'm kind of hungry. Got any food?"

• The next few weeks left Dabi on edge. He was certain you were biding your time and planning an escape soon. Or waiting until he let down his gaurd before you'd attack him. But despite how ready he was for you to flip the switch and lunge at him, it never came. You just let things happen. Whenever he made food, you ate it without questioning if he had put anything in it. Whenever he pulled you close,you didn't tense up or struggle. Hell, you didn't even fight back when he shoved his tongue down your throat for a heated kiss. You never flinched. Never faltered when he forced his affections on you. What were you planning? Was he so beneath you that you wouldn't even waste the effort? Was he not good enough- even as a kidnapper?

• You were casually lounging on his bed, using his lap as a pillow while your eyes were glued go to the TV. The news was playing repeat stories of your possible death and disappearance, the lives lost during attacks by the league of villains and how blue flames had been littered across the city and burning whatever it touched to the ground. All these horrible images playing, clearly linked to him... And yet here you sat, relaxing in his lap like some kind of adoring pet despite witnessing the atrocities he has committed.

•Dabi is left with mixed feelings. On one hand, your lack of reaction infuriated him. He wanted to see you scared. He was looking forward to licking away those tears. Hear that beautiful voice crying and begging for mercy. Having you be so afarid of him that you would do anything he commanded... But he couldn't deny that he enjoyed this passive side of you. You were already submitting to him. You just went along with whatever he did with no resistance as if it was normal. Wasn't this exactly what he wanted?

• "Why aren't you scared of me y/n? You know what I'm capable of... Anyone else would be terrified," he questioned. You shrug.

"My life was kind of boring before this honestly. And you take care of me. So its not too bad here," you replied nonchalantly, not even taking your eyes off the television.

Dabi kept staring down at you. That's it? He treated you 'OK'? And you were fine with staying here? Dabi let out an amused grunt as he began to play with your hair. As weird a reason as it was, it was still a reason. Dabi was oddly... satisfied knowing that you genuinely weren't going to try to escape. You were perfectly content at staying at his side forever.

- - - - - -

Tomura Shigaraki

Yandere Type: Possessive, Controlling and Delusional

•A twisted smile spread across Tomura's face as Kurogiri's warp gate opened. Nomu stepped into the bar, an unconsious form tucked under his arm. Tomura quickly stood up from his seat and scurried over to take you in his own arms. He held you tightly against his chest, deeply inhaling the scent of your hair and struggling to surpress a pleasured groan and shudder. How long had he been waiting for the day to hold you like this? Far too long. It was if you fit against him perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle. One of the villains made an assertive cough, reminding him that Tomura wasn't alone in the room. He rolled his bloodshot eyes.

• They didn't understand his kind of love. None of them could, except for maybe Himiko. And even then, nobody in the world existed who could ever love you more than he could. Tomura cooed to you gently, marveling at how precious you were as you slept. He quietly excused himself, opting to take you to a private location rather than be prevy to the judgemental eyes. The sooner people stopped looking at his beloved, the better.

• When you came to, you were laying tucked neatly into a small bed in the corner of what looked like a giant cage. You yawned and sat up, only to look up and realize that you were not alone. Just outside the cell, a skinny man stood staring down at you with wide, blood red eyes. His gaze was intense as he breathed heavily, not once blinking or breaking eye contact. After a tense silence, he spoke.

"Wel..come home, Y/N.... I've been waiting... for so long to finally have you," he wheazed while gripping the bars of the cell.

"My name is Tomura... I don't think you remember me, but that's okay. It was so long ago when we met. But I never gave up on you. On us... I've been watching for so long, just waiting... Ahhh now we're finally together," he confessed airily, his cheeks turning red.

You looked around at the dingey room. The wallpaper was peeling back, windows nailed shut with wooden boards. This place was falling apart. The room was illuminated only by a small lamp that sat atop a computer desk so it was hard to make much out. Wait, what's that against the other wall? Another bed. Was this his room? Tomura extended his arm, pointing his finger at the small table by your bedside where a tray of food was waiting.

"I made your favorite... eat up my love."

•Tomura was sitting at his desk when he heard you clear your throat from inside your little prison cell.

"Excuse me? Tomura was it? Um... can you let me out of the cell for a bit? I can barely stretch out in here," you asked politely.

Tomura swiveled around in his chair, tilting his head curiously at your request. It had been quiet these last few hours. After you had eaten you meal, you had just been lounging around on the tiny bed, staying silent. Well, at least you weren't panicking as much as he thought you would. You weren't panicking at all really. Hmm.. He did want you to feel at home, since this would be your home until he decided otherwise. He could let you out to stretch right? He didn't want his beloved feeling crowded.

"If I do, will you behave?" he questioned.

"Well yeah. The windows are boarded shut so I can't get out that way. And that door over there is probably locked," you explained, nodding in the direction of the only exit on the opposite side of the room.

• Such a clever girl. Of course you would notice that sort of thing. You were his brilliant darling after all. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a keyring. Your eyes watched carefully as he inserted the key... but he didn't turn it. Your eyes went back up to his face where you found him.... staring at you.

"If you try anything funny... I'll put you right back in there," he warned.

"I won't."

• Tomura sat at his office chair, watching a video online with you sitting in his lap. Feeling you so close to him was wonderful. As promised, you were behaving. Execptionally well in fact. Tomura sighed happily, pulling you tightly to his chest and pressing into your back. You didn't even flinch when he snaked his arms around you to hug your waist. You were being totally complacent.

"You know, Y/N... I could kill you right now, if I wanted to..." he weezed behind you, his breath warm against the shell of your ear.

You shrugged and reached out to use the mouse to scroll the playlist of videos you had been watching. Tomura's hand shot up clamped tightly over your neck. You froze, stoping the mouse.

"Please don't ignore me dearest. Its bad manners," he hissed.

You swallowed and nodded.

"Hmmm... You know that I've killed a lot of people, right? Does that frighten you? Knowing that you're at the complete mercy of such a villain?" he whispered.

"... Not really. If you wanted to kill me, I wouldn't be able to stop you even if I tried. So I won't bother struggling. Do whatever you want to me," you admitted.

• Tomura's dry lips curled into a sickening grin. Oh my, the countless ideas that could insinuate. You remained as still, feeling his body begin to tremble as he giggled maniacally. Suddenly the hand that had been clamped over your throat loosened and fell to your arm, rubbing small circles on it. In any other circumstance, such a gesture would have been reassuring. But it was was more unnerving given the fact that he had buried his nose into your hair and continued to inhale sharply.

"Ahh, such a tantalizing answer my love... I certainly will do just that. I have so many fun ideas of things we can do. I'm sure you're just as excited to try them as I am."

#yandere bnha #yandere mha #yandere boku no hero acadamia #yandere my hero acadamia #dabi #shigaraki tomura #mha tomura #yandere x reader #yandere dabi #yandere tomura #yandere

2K notes · View notes

coridallasmultipass · 5 months ago

Text

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

#personal #vent #long post #delete later / /#Cori.exe #Post.exe #medical

1 note · View note

fallenfurther · 5 years ago

Text

Continuation from

Sorry for it being long and with this strange link thing. I'm on holiday (and have drunk a little) and only have access to my phone so can't use keep reading.

***

Virgil placed the box of puppies in the chair behind his, as John took the co-pilot's seat. Taking his place, Virgil launched the ship, coordinates set for a large out-of-town pet supermarket, with space for Two to land. John had come up with a list of things the puppies would need regardless of what Virgil decided to do with them, and Virgil was thankful for his brother's ability to keep a levelhead in the most extreme circumstances.

"If you are planning to give them away you'll have to get them neutered."

Virgil opened his mouth, gobsmacked. He was still getting his head round all this and he'd winced when letter had suggested he be neutered, but the idea of doing to his children made him feel ill.

"I'm just pointing out the facts. If you want to put them up for adoption they'll be rehomed quicker neutered. Especially because they're mutts."

A quick glance over his shoulder at the puppies, who were playing with each other quite contently, which settled his heart. He couldn't help but smile at them.

"I don't think I could do that to them."

"Even if you do keep them you'll have to consider it, as unless you train them strictly the boys may mount their sister."

"Really? They would do that?"

"Normal dogs do. Although they look normal, these dogs likely contain some human DNA, but be honest with yourself Virgil, how hard was it for you to resist Bella when she was in heat? I know Bella wasn't your sister, but you understand the way a male dog feels when a female is in heat. You have to consider it."

Virgil felt the heat in his cheeks once again. John was just being John, but he wasn't the usually brother Virgil went to for this sort of conversation.

"No. I'm not neutering my children."

Turning his full attention to the controls, Virgil landed in the field beside the petstore, glad arriving put an end to the conversation.

Virgil placed the box of puppies in the trolley, and couldn't help giving them a quick pet. He smiled as they fought to lick his hand. They were adorable. Virgil pushed the trolley letting John take the lead.

"Okay, the basics we need are beds, though I suggest one big one as they are so small and until you decide what to do with them. If you given them away, you can then always use it yourself."

Virgil shook his head at the suggestion, but the small smile on John's face confirmed it was a little dig. Walking down the isle of dog beds, Virgil's eyes were instantly drawn to the one that was so close to the shade of green of his baldrick. John needed no instruction, and walked straight up to it and placed it in the trolley beside the dogs. Three small faces peered over the box at the new thing beside them, noses sniffing the new scents.

"Right, the next essentials are food, food bowls and water bowls."

John picked up three of each bowl while Virgil eyed up the bags of puppy food, baffled by the choice, and tried to work out which would be best for these odd hybrids.

"Puppies!"

A young voice screeched. Virgil turned away from his pondering to see a young girl looking through the bars of their trolley.

"Hello Puppies!"

Virgil stood beside her and picked up the black female. He brought the puppy down to her level, resting it on his bent leg, and watched her face light up with delight. The girl stroked the puppy who responded with a good tail wag and a hand lick. The child giggled, looking over her shoulder to her mother who was standing to the side.

"It licked me!"

The mother smiled at her daughter before looking towards him.

"They're very cute. They're a mix breed aren't they?"

"They are half Lhasa apso, though we believe the male who got to her was a stray mutt so we don't know what else is in them."

Virgil glared at his brother. He was no mutt! Sure they couldn't say they were half werewolf but surely John would have found a similar breed that would suit the lie better.

"Oh, accidents. Happens more often than you think. Say goodbye to the puppy now, Laura. We can't leave poor Bernard too long or he'll drive Grandma barmy."

"Bye bye puppy."

Laura gave the puppy one last pat on the head before heading off after her mother. Virgil sighed, as he lifted the puppy off his leg to reveal the damp patch she had left behind.

"That's another thing we need. Puppy training pads."

"Next time we get those first."

Virgil placed the puppy back in the box, before pulling the best looking puppy food mix off the shelf and plonking it in the dog basket. Pushing the trolley after his brother Virgil sighed. Looking at the puppies in the trolley, he couldn't see how he could give them away. Yet could he really raise three puppies without it interfering with his duties? Virgil shook his head, trying to shake off the shock that he still felt about become a father this way.

#werepuppies #werevirgil #thunderbirds are go #virgil tracy #john tracy

17 notes · View notes

mayapenelopeclutterbucket · 5 years ago

Text

Thoughts I had while watching TGD 3x08 “Moonshot” aka this has been sitting in my notes forever everything just seems like too much effort I’m sorry 😭 please love me still

Ok so idk if anybody missed me but I did miss you all and im baaaack baby!!! So i was planning on just summarizing my thought after watching the ep because i wanted to eat while doing it lmao but i couldnt RESIST and already had so many things running thru my head. I’m sorry I’ve been so MIA everything these days just seemed like too much effort y’know, life and work and everything else but now i am forcing myself to starting this up again because I enjoy doing this and sharing my unimportant and mindless thoughts with you guys. THank you to everyone who asked about me sorry i haven’t replied (that depression kicked in) but I will go thru and respond, i love you guys!! Okay enough rambling (but would it really be me if i didn’t) and lets get onto the show

Sharly moment was going too cute and going too well why do i feel like by the end of this ep they’re going break up or something 😩

#buildupforabreakup with melendez god bless but i still don’t like neil fucking telling audrey she needs to take some of the blame 🙄🙄

So I already knew melendaire was going to work together and have a cute moment thanks to the lovely @gilbxrt-blythe but I DIDNT FREAKIN KNOW THAT IT WOULD JUST BE THE TWO OF THEM

And yay morgan finally gets her first lead surgery but I’ve seen the promo pics and she has glassman check her out so i swear to god if my bby has carpel tunnel or arthritis imma SUE

Side note still eating while i watch so we’ll see how well this goes lmao

Wow i feel like its been freaking forever since I’ve seen melendaire one on one with each other how beautiful 😭 and I don’t think I’ve ever seen them along together in the autopsy room

My food is geting cold but IDGAF with this blessed melendaire content I’m getting omg soooo cute talking about what they wanted to be when they were little I caaaant

Claire looked impressed by melendez’s idea 👀

And who would’ve thought you guys dating while she’s your boss would affect your judgement certainly not the hr lady or anyone else god help us

Is a l*mlendez breakup finally on the horizon

Uh oh is shaun going to breakup with carly because he considers her a “distraction”

I’m glad morgan finally has someone who believes in her and showers her with compliments

But i dont like that its asshole andrews ngl

Melendez not being confident is just weird he’s second guessing EVERYTHING

Who knew sharly working themselves up to sex would be cute

Why do i feel like once i go thru the tag I’m about to see a bunch of carly hate and people being like i told you so. I get where carly is coming from she just want shaun to be happy and comfortable and tries continuously to make sure that happens and make it work but like she said shaun gives up but i don’t like the mindset either that what she does is a chore and that she wouldn’t have to go thru this with someone who is neurotypical like her and i don’t like the pressuring of shaun having sex because yes he wants too but its not just a black and white situation and I’m tooooorn

Park being so worried shaun only lasted 8 seconds before he came is too fucking much 😂

Park being encouraging to shaun is pure but I still miss jared man plz bring him back

Lmaooo the place where l*mlendez is having their fight is where claire flirted with melendez

Keep up with the #buildupforabreakup PLEAAAASE they’re trying to hide their relationship but are publically fighting and raising their voices at each other SUBTLE

I really wish it was claire giving shaun these heart to hearts the lack of shaire content is desgustang

like the writers act like they ain’t even fucking friends

Of course why can nothing ever go well for anyone so I was right and morgan has arthritis 🙃

So one of y’all are really thinking of leaving to stay together PULEAAZE yall are not that serious so heres a wild idea BREAKUP

Wow what the fuck got my hopes up for a l*mlendez breakup and melendez tells her he loves her 🙄🙄 ON THE MELENDAIRE BALCONY NOW ITS TAINTED but she didnt say it back so 👀

She realizes she just told the president of the hospital she has arthritis right like what’d she think was going to happen

Wow negligence left and right at st. bonaventures

And now lim and melendez are having a moment ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And that scene with the leukemia doctor hit a little too close to home for me

Yes yes yes it looks like lim is gonna break up with melendez god bless 🙌🏼🙌🏼

So on one hand lim said she loves him but on the other hand she said its not enough 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Ngl tho had the an inkling this would happen because I saw on twitter that christina chang replied to the tgd writers account when they posted a “💔 l*mlendez” and said there the ones who could change their fate so i have hope they will not get back together and if they do they won’t last because neither of them can be objective and oh yeah DON’T MAKE SENSE and have no chemistry

Yay sharly is still alive and kicking

And oh no morgan bby are you still in pain 😩

Oh my god carly and shaun are air holding hands again while lying in bed

Hmm wow okay I knew claire would still be having drama because I saw the promo pics but i did not really expect this, melendaire group chat speculated on that first guy she slept with being worried him being married would come back to bite her but i did not think she would make it a pattern and not care about the consequences of sleeping with someone who’s married. Yes it takes two to tango but we all know this isn’t normal for claire to act like this and self deestructive so is this finally going to be her wakeup call or will she keep spiraling and we’ll get a cliffhanger in the mid season finale involving her and her actions/choices ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ only time will tell

Okay guys thats it long af as usual but lemme know what you thought and what you think is going to happen to claire, melendaire and l*mlendez!!! 💕💕 I’m still hoping for a freakin melendaire heart to heart oh my goddddd why hasn’t it happened yet

After watching the new new promo I def feel the #buildupforabreakup coming on between l*mlendez and a melendaire heart to heart

And Katie brought up a good point I like how shaun has the potential to be fired after one complaint and yet coyle got to keep his after SEXUALLY HARASSING MORE THEN ONE PERSON wow #consistency

On this show

#the good doctor #tgd #claire browne #neil melendez #melendaire #shaun murphy #sharly #morgan reznick #alex park #audrey lim

10 notes · View notes

kweebtrash · 6 years ago

Text

Dom(me)s Aren’t Built In a Day: Johnny Vers. (M)

Pairing: Johnny X Reader

Features: Choking/Breath play, restraints, spanking/paddling, cock rings, Switch!Johnny, bratty behavior, oral sex/69, light scratching/biting, rough sex, established relationship and some fluffy shit because i couldn’t resist

Genre: Slight Angst, Smut.

Word Count: 7.3k

A/N: So I kinda got carried away with this one. And i was going to make Johnny a sub all the way but the story took it’s own course. Anon I really hope you like this because i love it! I’m so much better writing kink than fluff lol. Thanks Anon <3

DABIAD Mini Series Masterlist

My hands slid underneath the hem of his shirt, feeling the warm skin and firm muscles underneath. I dug my nails in ever so slightly when his hand grabbed my ass forcing me closer to his body. I sighed softly into his kiss, wanting more and hungry to feel him deeper.

“You wanna go to the bedroom?” I smirked as i laid open mouth kisses on his neck.

“I guess…”

He guessed?? “What do you mean you guess?”i asked.

He shrugged and diverted his eyes. “If you wanna…”

“Well it's not really consensual if you dont want to.”

“I'll do it for you.”

I pushed Johnny off of me and got up from the couch. “Just say you fuckin’ dont want to. Damn.”

It had been like this. For weeks now. Apathetic, mediocre. Trying to get a groove back that seemed to have faded already. We had been dating for almost a whole year now, and when it first began it was like we set the whole world ablaze. Every moment with him was ecstatic and filled me with feelings of lust, love, and happiness all at once. Yet lately it seemed like he didn't even want to touch me. I was shocked when he initiated the make out session, even a little turned on to be grinding on the couch like horny teenagers. But even that little bit of a spark disappeared within minutes. And now I knew for sure that he was just doing it to try and please me. Not that him rutting unenthusiastically into me made it feel good.

I had plenty of thoughts running through me head. Was he cheating? Did he fall out of love with me? Was he sick? Medical issue? Depression? He wasn't talking to me and that made me even more worried. How did we even get to this point?

I went over to his bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. A few moments later he was in the doorway, hands shoved deep into his pockets. “I'm sorry…” He said quietly. He was hiding behind his dark brown bangs, shyer than he normally was.

“What is going on with you? You're never like this and you wont talk to me about anything! When did that start happening?” i let out a frustrated sighed as my mind went to that place again. “Are you….are you cheating on me?”

Johnny’s head snapped up instantly. “What? No! Fuck no! I would never. Why would you think that?”

“I DONT KNOW! You’re not talking! Tell me what's going on then!” i couldn't help the angered tone in my voice.

“It's nothing! Nothing's wrong i just…” He shrugged. “I guess I'm in a funk or something. I don't know. I was hoping it would go away but it hasn't.” He rubbed the back of his neck and groaned. “Dont worry about it ok? I'll figure it out.”

“Figure it out…” I scoffed. “So you've been ‘figuring it out’ by yourself for weeks and you've become reclusive and it feels like you're repulsed by me.”

“Don't be so fucking dramatic. I'm not repulsed by you. Nothing wrong with you. Just let me do this by myself.”

“Fine.” I got up from the bed and pushed past him. “You can call me whenever you ‘figure it out’.” i rushed to grab my bag and keys from by the couch and went over to the door.

“Yeah, thanks for being understanding!!” He screamed after me. “Selfish ass!!”

I guess I was being selfish. It wasn't really about the sex...part of it was of course but what the hell was he hiding? I had spent various nights crying, going days without a call or text, even though he was posting his photography on instagram. It seemed like he was going on without me. That was until one night he finally broke the silent vow that had manifested between us.

“I'm sorry. I really wanna see you. I miss you.” i heard him breathe into the phone.

“Are you drunk?” i sighed.

“Yeah but it's fine. I know what i'm saying. Come over.”

“I'm not going over while you're drunk. Where even are you?” I could hear loud noises in the background and people screaming over each other.

“Out. Please. Meet me at my place. You still have the key dont you?”

“Yeah but-”

“Let me fuck you.”

No. That was bad. Very very very bad. And i should not go over there. I got up and grabbed my keys, swiftly putting on my shoes and making a terrible decision.

When i got to his place he was already pushing me against the door, his mouth overwhelming mine and hands roaming everywhere. I was clawing at his clothes, practically tearing them away. He looked amazing. Tight jeans that accentuated his firm ass, black shirt that was now tossed aside and heated muscles that drove me to open my legs instantly. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the bedroom, pushing me onto the bed and crawling on top of me. My breaths were coming out so hard that my lungs were starting to burn. The only thing i could think about was him making me cum. Just please make me cum. Ive missed you so much, Johnny. So much.

I couldnt say what i was thinking. I was too busy pulling him closer to the heat between my thighs, wanting to ride his face until the sun came up. My hand was digging into his scalp while his were on my breasts, squeezing and kneading as he rained kisses over my lower stomach. I shoved off my sweatpants and panties, eliciting a growl from his hungry lips. “Fuck Johnny….please.”

He grabbed my hips with a smirk, yanking me towards him and moving up to swallow my lips again in sinful twists and turns of his tongue. “I'll get to you in a minute, baby i promise.”

I whimpered wantonly. “Don't keep me waiting. Ive missed you so much.”

He licked my lips and groaned. “Fuck, me too. You feel so damn good and i'm not even inside you yet.” He trailed his lips to my neck biting down hard against the sensitive skin as his denim clad cock ground into my center. My hands raked up his back, stopping right at the base of his neck. I arched into him, returning the rolls of his hips as gasps of pleasure fell from me. “Choke me.”

I stopped then and there. “What?”

“Choke me. For the love of god, fuckin’ choke me.” He took my hand in his, placing it on his neck as his eyes sealed shut, waiting.

I pulled away, sitting up slightly. “Johnny! That's dangerous!”

“No, it"s fine. Please just do it. It'll get me off.”

My eyes went wide and i scrambled away from him. “I-i cant do that. That's just…”

“Why not? It's easy. Just do it.”

“You could stop breathing! I'm not gonna kill you.”

“Exactly! It wont kill me! You're not gonna hurt me. Just…” He looked at me, eyes dark and pleading.

“I cant. Im sorry. I...i knew this was a bad idea. I have to go.” i quickly grabbed my pants and pulled them on. He didnt even try to stop me. He just sat there, head hung low and hand clenched around the sheets. I rushed out of there fast, my heart still racing with nervousness. I had never been asked that before and for Johnny to even suggest that...was that what he was wanting before? Why he was so distant? I just...i couldn't do that to him no matter how badly he wanted it. My heart hurt now...maybe we werent exactly made for each other after all.

A month had passed and we still were barely talking. I wasnt ready to move on but...maybe it was time. He was on my mind everyday and i also continuously wondered if maybe he had found someone else. Someone who could do what he wanted. We had arranged to meet at his place again. I was going to get my things and probably break it off for good. As I drove to his apartment i willed myself not to start crying. I had to be strong. This was for the best. Maybe not for me but maybe for him. In my head I tried to convince myself that I wanted him to be happy even if it was with someone else. But it wasn't really working.

When i got to the front door and knocked there was no answer. He knew I was coming...he had to be home. I sent him a text and waited. Minutes passed and still no answer. I still had the key to his place -i had planned to give it back to him today- but i didnt want to burst in there. It seemed rude now since we were so distant. But he still wasn't answering. I reluctantly set the key in the lock and went inside. The place was dark, there was only a dim light coming from his bedroom. “Johnny?” I called out.

Still no response. Now i was starting to get worried. I went over to his bedroom, the door wide open, and i could see him lying in bed fully naked with his cock in his fist. His laptop was beside him and his headphones in his ears which would explain why he hadn't heard anything. My face was bright red and i panicked. I had no idea if I should stop him or not. I almost didn't want to. He looked so...damn good. The way his chest was rising and falling, his legs tensing and hips bucking with each pass of his hand over the tip of his cock. I dared to step a little closer to him and i noticed the video that was playing on his laptop. Of course it was porn but stuff that we had never watched together. The man was tied up, rope decorating his skin in intricate patterns, his mouth gagged shut and a blindfold over his eyes. There were marks all over his backside, most likely the branding from the tall amazonesque women dressed in latex behind him. She was holding a thin rod of what looked like maybe wood in her gloved hands and he was begging her for more. She complied, landing another hard whip from the cane making him cry out. When the wood landed on skin, Johnny's body tensed, his breath hiccuping for a moment before he licked the dryness from his lips. His cock was leaking now, the sound of wet skin on skin coming to my ears.

I swallowed hard and reached out to him, setting my hand on his sweat slicked chest. His eyes shot open and he jumped up quickly, yanking the headphones out his ears and slamming the laptop shut. “Jesus!! Dont you knock!?” he pulled a pillow over his lap and glared up at me.

“I did!! I knocked, i texted you, and i called out to you! You're the one with headphones jacking off to…that stuff…”

His face flushed a bit and he got up from him bed trying to making his way over to his bathroom. “Why are you here?!”

“We agreed for me to come over and get my stuff! Don't you remember?”

He groaned. “Shit...that was today?”

“I thought that's what we said!” i shifted my feet a bit. “Sorry, i came in with the key. I didnt want to but you didnt answer and...well…”

He pushed his hair back briefly wiping the sweat from his forehead. “It's fine...it's my fault. Um…” He looked down at the pillow that he was clutching tighter. “I'm gonna uh...you know.”

“Finish?”

“What?! N-no! I mean not while you're here now! That's like...weird.” He said.

“Why? I mean I know why but i've seen your dick like...hundreds of times.”

“Yeah but we're…”

“What are we exactly?” I asked.

He looked down at his feet. “I dont know. I thought you hated me.”

“Hate? No! I thought that...i thought a lot of things. I thought you didnt want to be with me because i was scared to choke you. I thought that maybe sex was that important to you and then it made me feel like shit.”

“i felt like shit when you thought it was weird. And i'm sorry about the choking thing. Me being drunk and springing it on you wasn't the best way to go about it. I'm glad we didn't have sex that night.” He replied.

“Me too.” i nodded before glancing back at his laptop. “I really miss you Johnny. Like it hurts so bad to not be around you. And if...this stuff is important to you i'm willing to at least try it.”

His eyes snapped up to me. “R-really? You really don't have to. I dont want to make you uncomfortable. I guess this is what we’re struggling with anyway.”

“I am uncomfortable but...maybe you can teach me and we can try stuff?” I nibbled my lip a bit. “You looked really hot listening to it...just saying.”

He let out a soft chuckle. “Thanks...um…” He leaned in a bit placing a soft kiss on my lips. I smiled and looked up at him.

“So do I spank you and call you a bad boy now?”

He nodded. “That would be kinda nice.”

“Do I say mean things to you?” I asked fumbling over the thoughts in my head and just spitting them out.

“No, i'm not into degradation, just control. Or lack thereof. You're in control. You command me essentially.”

“Command you?” I thought for a moment. “Like get on your knees and eat me out?”

“Right now?” He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

I cleared my throat. “If you dont i'll...spank you.”

He smiled which made me cover my face. “Im sorry! I'm trying!”

“No, no. It's okay. I appreciate it. You're so cute.”

I set my face in his chest, trying to hide my embarrassment. “Am i supposed to sound scary? Like how am I supposed to do it?”

He kissed the top of my head. “Not for nothing but we can watch some stuff together. Its a bit exaggerated but you'll get the gist of it.”

“Watch porn...together?”

“Nothing more romantic, am i right?” He laughed and nodded towards his bed. “C’mon.”

I took off my sweatshirt and jeans, tossing them away with my shoes and climbed into bed with him. He sat up against his headboard, setting the laptop on the pillow and opening it back up.

“Ok,” I held onto his arm and exhaled. “Let do this.”

Oh god. I could see why he wanted this so bad. Never in my life had i seen anything so lustful and sensual than my small hands wrapped around Johnny's throat. His full lips were parted, only being able to let out small raspy gasps as his chest tried to compensate for the lack of air. I held his life in my hands, which in of itself was the most powerful thing i had ever felt. My thumbs pressed into his adams apple and his hand instantly grabbed the top of the headboard to steady himself while i rode his cock like I was never going to see him again. And when he came -Jesus- when he came it was like a whole new world had opened and we were the only ones in it. My whole body tensed, convulsed, clenched around him as his cum filled me. He had arched against me, making my nails dig into his skin before he tapped my wrist quickly. I let go instantly and he gasped in air in huge gulps, coughing just a bit.

“A-are you o-okay?” i stammered as i still felt my legs shaking on either side of his hips.

He nodded, coughing into his elbow and struggling to regain his breath. I bit my lip now worried that i had done something wrong. “Johnny!”

He waved me off, giving me a thumbs up before he finished his coughing fit. “FUCK!” he wiped the back of his mouth. “Damn...that was-”

“Did it hurt? Are you ok? I'm sorry, God i’m so sorry. I was caught up in the-”

He interrupted me like i had done to him except it was with a hard kiss. He pulled me down to him, kissing me deeply and desperately. When he pulled away I was almost lightheaded from the intensity. “You're amazing. Like...incredibly amazing.”

“You've never cum like that before. I um…” I looked down at our bodies still connected and the bit of stickiness that was slowly sliding out of me. “It was a lot...and really….wow.”

“Yeah...wow is...one way to describe it. Can we do it again?” He smirked.

“Right now? Are you sure? I think I marked your neck though.” I blushed.

He bit his lip in his charmingly awkward way. “Hell. Yes.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pushed me down to the bed, attacking my neck and chest with kisses and bites making me giggle.

“Johnny! Wait!” I squirmed beneath him, trying to still his nibbles and licks. Him laughing against my neck tickled even more until I was almost in tears. “Stop!” He didn't, even when i begged but an idea popped into my head amidst my giggles. I landed a hard smack against his ass using as much force as i could given my position beneath him. He stopped instantly, clutching my sides roughly. “When I say stop what do you think that means?”

“Stop, ma'am.”

“Ma'am?” I mulled it over. I didn't think I was a Mistress or Mommy or Queen or anything just yet. Besides some of those titles still made me squeamish.

“Would you want me to call you something else?” he asked, head still bowed and buried in my neck.

“No. I like that. Say it again.”

“Yes ma'am.”

I smirked feeling the sense of power return. “Good boy. I think you should bend over now.”

~2 years later~

“Why are you mad at me? You're the one who walked out on me!” Johnny yelled once we got into our shared apartment.

“Because I don't like public proposals and you did it right in front of everyone!”

“It was a surprise engagement party!”

“I still dont like that! It puts me on the spot and it makes me have anxiety and it forces me to say yes!”

“So you dont want to say yes?” He looked at me confused and full of hurt.

“No, i mean...i just...can i think about it?!”

“Think about it? We've been together for so long already! What is there to think about?!”

“I dont know! I mean...divorce rates, family shit, insurance, an entire fucking wedding that we cant afford! A stupid dress that i'm only going to wear once and costs like a quarter of my college debt.”

“And all of that was enough to make you walk out on me? Really?”

“I just have to think about it, ok?!”

“Think about it on the couch then.” He walked into our bedroom-the one that used to belong to him and only him- and slammed the door shut. I sighed, angrily kicking off my heels and plopping down on the sofa. My arms crossed as my stubbornness was kicking in. I wasnt apologizing. I hated crowds and when he got down on one knee in front of our friends my anxiety went into over drive and i panicked. I had run outside, my emotions a terrible melting pot of odds and ends. I didnt come back to the party. It ended horribly. That was when we drove home in a tense silence that had exploded as soon as we stepped foot into our home.

I thought back to the first year of our relationship. How hot and cold we were because of all the changes we were going through. It was so distant and painful. I didnt want to go through that again. That was when the giddiness hit. He had proposed, completely unexpected and while i almost had an anxiety attack at our surprise engagement party….he had actually proposed. Like PROPOSED. I covered my face with my hands and felt the heat rising all the way to the tips of my ears. I never thought that would happen ever. It hadnt even crossed my mind before. I was so focused on building my business and living our life as a couple who lived together that I hadnt thought that far. A piece of paper and a ring wouldnt change how i felt about him but he had clearly thought it through. Enough to do a party after all.

Oh Johnny. This is why even though I controlled you, you had me wrapped around your finger tight.

I got up and unzipped my form hugging dress, stepping out of it and kicking it out the way. I went over to the bedroom, knocking gently before stepping in. He ignored me, opting to keep his eyes glued to his phone. His blazer was strewn on the bed, tie and top buttons of his shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to his elbows while his hair escaped the hold his pomade had on it. “Johnny…” I called out softly.

His thumb flicked over the phone screen, his eyes following the scrolling blue and white masses of texts and photos. I crawled onto the bed and sat behind him, rubbing my hands over his shoulder. He smacked them away quickly. “Dont.”

“I'm sorry.” I began, placing a kiss on the back of his neck. “I didn't mean to upset you. I panicked.” I wrapped my arms around his ribcage and held him tight.

He sighed and set his phone on the night stand. “Do you really not want to get married? Honestly i'll return the damn ring and get myself a camera.”

I turned his face towards mine and kissed his full lips gently. “Let me think about it ok? Please?” I didn't give him much of a chance to respond as i deepened the kiss little by little, pushing him back onto the bed. He let out a small grunt and i assumed it was because he was mad at himself for being persuaded so easily. But i've always had that effect on him. While our tongues were clashing with one another i drew my hand up to his neck, gently running my hands over one of his most sensitive areas. He jerked at the touch at first, knowing what it meant and the possibilities for the night. He pulled away ever so slightly, his warm breath coating my lips as he panted.

“Ma'am?” he asked tentatively.

“Mhm…” I nodded in response, letting the switch set off between us as our dynamics changed. He wasn't just my sweet, loving, awkwardly goofy boyfriend anymore. He was my pet, my submissive- the one who catered to my every desire to enact my power over him, to see him crumble beneath me, begging helplessly.

“I'm still mad at you.” He said softly.

“I know.” I gripped his neck, adding pressure right against his adam's apple. His breath stilled for a moment as i slid my legs over his lap, straddling him. “That's why I'm making it up to you. Or at least trying to. Will you let me?”

His hand fell to my hip which he squeezed twice-our signal for yes. I smiled down at him dragging my eyes to the tie that hung loosely from his neck. Improvise. I let go of his throat momentarily- much to his dismay- and undid the tie. The shirt came next, a slow tease of testing his patience as I undid each button placing kisses on each new exposed area of skin. I untucked the shirt from his pants, opening a new area across his stomach to litter with kisses and a few harsh bites just to keep him on his toes. He was usually a quiet sub until he started begging and only let out a few hisses when i bit into him. My eyes drifted up to him- he was watching me intensely, wondering where i would go next- before looking down at the zipper of his dress pants.

I ignored it for now, shuffling down to remove his shoes and socks instead. He was shifting in the bed, fingers flexing around the bed sheets as he became raptured by every move I was making. I suppose it did help that i was in nothing but a sheer bra and panty set. I had planned that way before our fight, thinking we would have a chance to slip away in the middle of the party, but at least my plan came back around full circle. “Now dont move. Stay right where i left you.” I commanded before I left him in the bed and retreated to our closet. Behind all the clothes and totes and shoes was our little box of secrets- well, over the years the size of the box had increased as our collection grew and we learned how one another worked. I pulled it out, rifling through the goodies to find exactly what i was looking for. When i turned back to the bed Johnny had removed his shirt and unzipped his pants which instantly made my brow furrow.

“Did I ask you to do that?” i gripped the base of the paddle i now had in my hand tighter.

He licked his lips and swallowed hard. “N-no but I thought-”

“You thought...huh. last time I checked your job isnt to think, it's to do what i say.” I bound over to him, grabbed the tie from the bed and pinned his wrists together, securing them in a bowline knot, making sure it was tight enough that his big hands wouldn't slip through. “On your knees. Now.”

“Yes ma'am.” He shifted onto his hands and knees, ass raised in the air. I always loved seeing him like this. Especially because his ass was so cute, even cuter when covered in bruises and hand marks too.

“Hold onto the headboard and dont move.”

He followed my order while i yanked his dress pants down along with his black boxer briefs, exposing him completely. I bit my lip, trying to stifle my giggle as i still saw faint traces of the bruises I had left on him a couple weeks ago. He was definitely due for some more. I picked up the paddle once more, turning it over and running my fingers over the leather that covered it and the icy steel grommets along the edges. I could see his shoulder blades tensing in anticipation, making his back muscles ripple. God, he looked so good. I stepped a bit closer to him, rearing my hand back and landing a hard slap across his cheeks with the paddle. He pursed his lips together, trying to suppress a groan from deep within his chest.

“What was that?” i asked, rubbing the leather across the bright red sting.

“N-nothing ma'am.” He replied through grit teeth as his head dipped.

“You know i prefer you quiet unless your begging, right?”

“Yes ma'am.” i watched his fingers grip the headboard tighter and smirked.

I brought the paddle down again for another loud thwack. His entire body lurched forward, his ankles crossing over each other sending the tension to his calves. There was no sound from him except his heavy breathing that was slowly starting to shift into raggedness. I switched from using the paddle to rub against him to my hands, trailing my nails over the burning skin. The light scratches were enough to make him squirm, his stomach dipping towards the mattress. I dragged my nails up the base of his tailbone trailing all the way up his spine. I heard the faintest of curses under his breath which made me chuckle. I pressed my index and middle finger under his chin and tilted his head up towards me. “You're purposefully being a brat now arent you?”

His eyes were hooded, long lashes fluttering as his lips parted to say something but he thought better of it. “If you think this is your punishment then you've got another thing coming, baby boy. Trust me i've got something much worse planned for you.”

I dropped my touch from him and slithered back to the box grabbing the thing he loved to hate the most. It was small and simple yet dangerous and carried the weight of torture within its expanding walls. I grabbed the girth of his hips and yanked him back to me. Johnny complied until my hands were over his semi soft cock, sliding on the cock ring over his shaft, making a slight twist in the silicone to wrap around his balls as well. “What?! No!” He hissed.

“Ooh, you're back talking me today too? I definitely won't be taking it easy on you now.” I pressed a heated kiss against his neck, kissing up to his ear before biting against his earlobe. “Get back into position.”

He nodded meekly, returning his hands to the headboard. Now he knew he was in punishment territory and there wasn't any turning back. I may have wanted to make it up to him so he wouldn't be mad at me but there was still a teensy part of me that was angry that he embarrassed me and sent me into a panic. I gave him no warning, mimicking the way he sprung that loaded question me, and slammed the paddle into him again. The indentation of the grommets were starting to form on his skin like fiery o's. I gave him little room to breathe within the next few hits, making sure every inch of his backside was covered in some sort of sordid mark. He was holding up better than he normally did though his knuckles were white and tensed around the headboard. His toes were digging into the sheets as he rocked himself slowly, trying to ease off the heavy burn in his flesh. I propped myself by the headboard, setting the paddle on the nightstand “Hi honey,” I said in a bit of a mocking tone. He lifted his head, eyes falling on me instantly. “You ok?”

He could only groan, a bit of irritation and aggravation hidden within. “Hmm just...peachy.”

I looked down between his legs at his newly formed erection that was already struggling against the cock ring. I giggled and pet his hair back gently, narrowly escaping his teeth as he attempted to bite me.

“Oohh, my baby boy's feisty. Should i just leave you here like this for another hour? Not even touching you? Or maybe i should make you watch me touch myself while you stay trapped in this cock ring.” His eyes lowered into angry slits but he said nothing. “Or I could touch you...edge you...make you scream your begs until your lungs burn? Yeah. I think i like the sound of that more.”

Johnny pursed his lips together hard. His mind was working on processing the upcoming plans and possibly on a way to give me the cold shoulder later on while i got to work on tossing his pants off completely and shoving him against the headboard. I swung my legs over his hips, getting into our favorite position. He looked up at me, his still bound hands freezing right before he attempted to touch me. He knew he was teetering on a fine line and wasn't going to push it just yet. I grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head while my hips hovered above his straining cock. His eyes stayed locked onto the small gap of space between our heat waiting for the first brush of contact. I let him have it, gliding the mesh fabric of my panties over his cock, circling my hips slightly when my clit met his head.

Johnny swallowed back a gasp biting his lip hard to keep himself steady. I fell into a slow and easy rhythm of rocking my hips against him, the thin fabric between us adding just a bit more friction and sending my nerves ablaze. I was focusing on rubbing my clit against his head, feeling his pre cum seep onto his stomach. The grip i had on his wrists tightened, my breath becoming a rough staccato. Meanwhile, Johnny was trying to increase the painful grind, digging his hips up into me. “Please…”

God, that perfect little beg always drove me crazy. He knew it to. Hed pout out his full lips, lick them so they'd glisten and entice me more and toss his head back, exposing his neck for choking, biting or both. And just when i would let go of his wrist hed try and touch me. I knew his game and he wasn't going to win this time. “Please? Please what, Johnny? Use your words.” I sunk my teeth into his neck, pulling blood to the surface and creating a deep mark. He arched up against me, letting out a soft hiss that turned into a strangled groan. I edged my hips up his torso, letting his cockhead press ever so slightly against my entrance.

“Fuck! Please, baby…let me fuck you.”

“Hmm, absolutely not.” I lowered my head to lick at his lips, tracing my tongue over his top lip and giving it a sweet kiss. He reached his tongue out to meet mine, sucking it slowly into his mouth and humming around it. I pulled away just to tease him and he arched his head towards mine, lips parted and willing to accept another kiss. I let go of one of his wrists-being sure to keep a tight grip on the tie- and wrapped my hand around his neck, keeping him pinned to the headboard. A faint whimper escaped him.

“Please ma'am, i'll be good to you. You just-” he tried reach for my kiss again but i tightened my hold on his throat. “You just…” He swallowed back and i could feel the struggle against my palm. “Untie me a-and I can-”

“Quiet. Im gonna make you put your mouth to better use.” I wiggled away from him, sliding my panties off as Johnny excitedly slid down so his head rested on the pillow. I resumed my position on him, my knees now on either side of his head. “Get to work, brat.”

He nodded and pressed his lips against my heat, already prying his tongue through my folds as he growled hungrily against me. He swirled his tongue against my clit before sucking it fully into his mouth. My head fell back and i closed my eyes reveling in the hot wet sucks and kisses he gifted me with. I edged myself forward commanding his tongue to flick into my eager hole. I wanted some form of release myself. Seeing him tied up and spanking him always made my hormones rush into overdrive. I was trying to stay strong but the way he was drinking down every bit of my slick heat had my thighs quivering. I shifted my hips into quick bounces, making sure he would dig his tongue into me, that was until i felt it disappear. I looked down at him angrily. “Did I tell you to stop?”

“N-no ma’am but...a-ahh it hurts.” I rolled my eyes and looked back at his cock that was making a mess all over his stomach. It was bright red and aching, crying out for attention. “Please? Just a little?” He gave my lower lips a few tender kisses, his chocolate brown puppy dog eyes getting to me. I grumbled angrily and accepted his little conquest before adjusting myself so my stomach pressed against his chest in a sixty-nine.

I lapped at the precum that had settled between the grooves of his abs, trying to hide the coy little moan i let out as soon as i tasted him. I trailed my tongue up to his slit, digging the tip in just enough to get him squirming. Meanwhile, my nails raked along his shaft, tracing veins that pulsated with each tantalizing stroke. Johnny pressed his hips up, just a minimal inch, trying to get me to take him into my mouth and i gave in. My lips wrapped around his head enveloping him in heated pulls. I felt his fingers wrap around my ass, pulling me closer while his thumbs spread my hole wide. His tongue resumed its rightful place inside me carving out patterns against my walls.

I swallowed hard around him, trying to get my mind to focus on his torture when all i could really think about was my pleasure. I rocked myself slowly, my mouth slurping him down each time i went forward and his tongue disappearing inside me when i went back. His deep moans were vibrating against my lips making me clench around him and i returned the sentiment. His cock throbbed against my palm as i stroked what i couldnt fit in my mouth edging him even further. My free hand slipped between this thick thighs to grab at his balls giving him a rough squeeze. His hips jerked roughly slamming his cock to the back of my throat and i harshly landed a slap against him before pulling away. “Johnny.” I growled.

He let out a deep groan as more precum leaked from his slit. I bit at his thigh harshly, gripping his balls even tighter. He cursed against my folds and his nails dug into me. He called out to me, my title thrown away, as he pleaded for me to release him. I glared back at him.

“You want it bad don't you? You're a mess baby boy.” I said. “You want this gone?” I tugged at the ring of silicone that was suffocating him. He nodded profusely, wiping away the sweat that beaded across his forehead.

“Please….” He whispered huskily. I bit my lip as his deep voice cut right through me. I undid the tie and carefully eased off the cock ring from around him. He let out a sigh of relief before covering my back and shoulders with kisses. “Thank you. Hmm...can i fuck you now ma'am?”

“You better make up for you being an impatient brat.”

“Maybe you can make up for being such a shithead then.” He chuckled.

Before i could even argue he pushed me flat on my back, my head dangling off the edge of the bed. Any protest i was going to make dissolved into a loud cry as i felt his swollen cock shove into me. My walls stretched and swallowed him down greedily. He wasted no time in slamming into me over and over creating a swirling fire in the pit of my stomach. My hands reached for him, wanting to pull him closer to me but he pinned them to my side. From over the swell of my breasts i could see him watching every movement my body made beneath him. Though he had a crushing grip on my wrists my fingers dug into the sheets trying to find a way to stabilize myself. “F-fuck! Johnny!!” I cried as my back arched against him.

He had never been this hungry for me before. Begging, whiny, and submissive yes but this was...I wanted more. I wrapped my legs around his waist, digging my heels into his lower back as i panted out my own pleads. Johnny finally blessed me with heavy kisses on my neck pairing it with slithering licks. I turned my head towards his trying to capture his lips but he pulled away quickly as if i had burned him. “No.”

No? My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean no?! Give me my kiss.”

“Now who's being a brat?” He smirked. His hips were slamming into me even harder. I could hear the harsh slapping of skin on skin that mixed in with his heavy pants and groans. I tried wiggling out of his grasp but it was no use. Blood was rushing to my head making my entire body feel like it was floating. I could hear my heart thundering in my ears, pouding louder and louder to match each of Johnny's thrusts that dug into me. I arched against him, my body begging for him to aim towards my spot. Just when the head of his cock brushed against the place i desired most he pulled away and i almost screamed. He was testing me and possibly this was his way of getting revenge on me too.

He flipped me over pressing me face down, ass up, his hand gripping the back of my neck firmly. When he reinserted himself into me i felt every pleasure point ignited. My eyes rolled back as my mouth stayed in a permanent moan, my fingers digging into the edge of the mattress. My ass rocked back against him as i felt my impending orgasm approaching. He was relentless and unending and i felt like i was going to snap in half at any minute. The pressure he was putting on my neck strangled my breathing, my chest struggling to expand but it drove me wild. I could finally feel what he had felt; the feeling of abandoning control, of trusting someone so deeply and feeling your entire body slipping away to a space of heightened pleasure.

And as my explosive orgasm hit me i sunk my teeth into the edge of the bed, screaming my sins out. A rush of heat seeped inside me as Johnny bottomed me out with a final thrust. His grip loosened on my neck but i didnt move. It was like i was frozen against him. I felt him place kisses against me, crawling up to my face where he hovered above me so i wouldnt be crushed under his tall frame. “You okay?”

“Yeah….yeah…”

“You sure?” i felt his bangs brush against my shoulder as he kissed my cheek. I nodded and swallowed hard. We shifted slowly so we laid on our backs beside each other staring up at the ceiling as our breaths returned to normalcy.

“So….” he said.

“So…”

“I think i might be a switch.”

“I think i might be ready to marry you.”

We both looked at each other quizzically having said two completely different statements at the same time.

“What?” we said again before laughing.

He turned onto his said to face me. “Did you say you're ready to marry me?”

“Maybe.” I buried my face in his chest, trying to avoid looking at him. “What's this shit about you wanting to switch?!”

“Dont change the subject!” He pulled me away from him forcing me to look up. “You serious?”

“Yeah….i mean if you want to be a switch and do...all of the shit you just did now you damn right we're getting married.” I said.

“So you're just in it for the sex, huh?” He nudged me playfully.

I cupped his face in my hands. “Of course not. I have to deal with you tripping over your own feet, and constantly recording me or taking unflattering photos of me, and you whining when i have to fix your photography website because you messed up the html code yet again, and you sending me cryptic messages because you don't know how to send a text without it sounding ominous. And if i hated all of that i would've left you by now. But the dick is a plus.”

“Ehh, you're pretty decent yourself.” He smiled at me. “Especially when you're getting fucked out from behind.” he placed a slow heated kiss on my lips, teasing me with licks and pulling away like i had done to him. “You'd make a cute sub.”

“Easy now, hotshot. I didn't get the hang of it instantly and you definitely wont either. Doms aren't built in a day you know.”

“I know that but-” His hand wrapped around my neck, his thumb tilting my head up to his. “I'm gonna have fun learning.”

#johnny #johnny nct #nct 127 #nct fanfiction #nct 127 fanfiction #johnny suh #johnny seo #nct fanf #nct 127 fanfic #requests

179 notes · View notes