#i know i joke a lot about Julia and her agency but this scene was awful

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2019, Part VI

Yes, I know that it’s almost March. Thanks for taking the ride. GREAT MOVIES

22. Apollo 11 (Todd Douglas Miller)- To disrespect this movie is to disrespect the moon landing itself so... I do like listening to the Walter Cronkite snippets about "the burdens and dreams of all mankind" and smirking at the idiots who talk about "back when people just read the news without editorializing." 21. Waves (Trey Edward Shults)- I could have done with five fewer shots of people holding each other, and the foreshadowing could be more subtle, but, man, Shults takes some huge swings here, for a more powerful effect than either of his previous films had. It isn't often that a colorist gets a single card in the opening credits, but it makes sense for a film that stands out as much as this loud, woozy piece does. I don't think there's anything as present-tense this year as a character drunk-driving to Kanye West's "I Am a God." 20. Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi)- The dissenters of Jojo Rabbit have been pretty uniform in their negativity, and I think their stance has to do with not wanting to be told what to think or feel. (Putting "an anti-hate satire" on the poster has to fire up those haters.) This movie is not subtle or ambiguous, but you know what? Casablanca is a pretty didactic movie too. Let me back up from the C-word. For me, the film's emotional scenes are better than its comedic scenes, but in either form, Waititi directly engages with a ten-year-old in a way that neither romanticizes him nor condescends to him. That's such an imperfect, transformative age in a boy, and not enough movies are willing to wrestle with how ugly it can be. Roman Griffin Davis is pretty good, but he's spotted by sincere, compassionate performances by Thomasin McKenzie and Scarlett Johansson. It's possible that Johansson has never been better. I totally understand why someone with her sex symbol baggage would resist playing mothers; if I've done my homework, this is the first time she has done it, even though she's a parent in real life. But her maternal scenes here are heartbreaking in their patience, particularly in a scene for which her character "plays" herself and her absent husband. Besides uncorking a more vulnerable part of herself, Johansson nails the performative aspect of being a parent, resisting the urge to make everything a lesson but wanting so desperately to be a positive example for a kid who needs one. 19. Honeyland (Ljubomir Stefanov and Tamara Kotevska)- I greatly prefer the term "non-professional actor" or "first-time actor" to "non-actor" because it's only human nature to act differently when being filmed. The second even a camera filming a birthday party captures you, you start to perform. But in handmade stone houses in rural Macedonia, the subjects are true non-actors. They have no affect because, in all likelihood, they have not seen a movie before. So the way that Hatidze lived over the course of the three years of this project--with purpose, focus, and wisdom--seemed new to me. Honeyland is the gift that I always hope for from documentary and (especially) foreign documentary: a slice of life that I never knew I needed. 18. Under the Silver Lake (David Robert Mitchell)- Andrew Garfield's Sam spends a lot of time on his balcony surveying his apartment complex, staring at a topless woman in a way that recalls Marlowe in The Long Goodbye, one reference point among hundreds. Sometimes he watches through binoculars, sometimes he watches through blinds--blind imagery that shows up over and over again in a movie about voyeurism. Anyway, this neighbor keeps parrots, who we're told as kids can "talk." Not that the animals have any conscious intention with their mimicking, but they replicate what they hear or are taught. The words are signified without any signifiers, so it's hard to even classify the noises as speech. Maybe those noises are everything--a tie to our species that reveals impressive intelligence--but maybe they're nothing--a silly hope of a world that seems less alone. And that subjective interpretation of code is the clearest metaphor in an otherwise elliptical, bizarre, sprawling, sui generis film. It's messy alright. Some of the threads lead nowhere, but in a movie about order and chaos, that's obviously the point. The scene with The Songwriter--barely any of the characters have names--is over ten minutes and might not have any narrative consequence. But in the moment it's earth-shattering and urgent. And maybe I'm the obvious audience, but I'm not going to complain about anyone taking a dance break for "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" 17. 1917 (Sam Mendes)- Weirdly enough, a Lauryn Hill line kept bouncing around in my head as I was nervously tapping my foot: "It could all be so simple, / But you had to make it hard." This is a direct story told with impossible technical aptitude. 1917 isn't saying anything new, but have you ever seen a plane crash ten feet away from the camera forty-five minutes into an unbroken take? No offense, but do you remember when we were all impressed that Creed had a five-minute fight in one take? Blimey. 16. American Factory (Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert)- It's a rare documentary that makes its case so gracefully and so forcefully at the same time. The film ends so conclusively that it could be considered labor activism, but it's so fair that the union-busting schmucks are willing to joke around with the filmmakers without obfuscating at all. The obvious forebearer for this sort of boots-on-the-ground snapshot of American labor is Harlan County U.S.A., but American Factory is more staid and less concerned with setting because, you know, this could be anywhere.The Chairman is the best villain since Thanos, and as he looked back on his life while walking around his empty cabana, I had to squint a bit to make sure he wasn't purple.

15. Ad Astra (James Gray)- Ad Astra declares so that it can suggest. The opening crawl says that the near future is a "time of hope and conflict," but all we see is the conflict: the pirates on a borderless moon that we've ruined with Applebee'ses, the neglected wife leaving her ring on a table, the voiceover that declares, "I always wanted to be an astronaut...for all mankind and all." This film will take place in four parts--Earth, Moon, Mars, Neptune--and each part will offer unique obstacles to challenge our phlegmatic but confused hero. But all of that table-setting allows James Gray to explore. There's a scene in which the Roy character uses a belt to pull himself, one tug at a time, deeper into the unknown, and we see the action through the reflection in his helmet as we're watching his face. We're seeing through his eyes but at a remove, and in this moment we're watching him heave himself into emptiness, thinking that the more distant and lonely and absent he gets, the more of a man he becomes. We know that's not true, but we kind of think it is from the movies, and Ad Astra has a happy ending if only because it wants to disprove that notion. Lots of artistes talk about how they could, without compromise, make grand, big-budget entertainments if they only wanted to. James Gray did. 14. Ash Is Purest White (Jia Zhangke)- In a train on the way to her hometown, the protagonist Xiao casually tells a fellow passenger that she has seen a UFO. Although it comes up later in a sort of magic realism flourish, her statement seemed like a character moment for me. People who see UFOs are either guileless rubes or attention-seeking hucksters, and that's the dance of Tao Zhao's performance. Even after seeing the movie, I can't tell which one Xiao is. Often it changes in the course of a scene. The time when she shows the most agency, firing off her boyfriend's illegal gun to ward off his attackers, results in the time when she is the most helpless, being ordered around in jail. She might confess her ex-con status in a moment of vulnerability, then flake out at the next train stop in an attempt to seize her power back. (It's worth mentioning that there are lots of movies about flaky drifters who don't pay the tab, but few of them are about women.) Even the way that she holds her backpack--frontways--is street-smart and child-like at the same time. This is the second film that Jia has made with a triptych setting, (Mountains May Depart is slightly superior.) and he doesn't make the flash forwards obvious. He invites the performance's same sort of healthy confusion upon the viewer with the formal elements. I, for one, am willing to get probed by these foreign objects. 13. Toy Story 4 (Josh Cooley)- I questioned a late moment in the film, one of the plottier ones in which Woody goes back to save another toy one more laborious time. When I sighed, my wife reminded me, "He never leaves a toy behind." Toy Story 4 is a dazzling upgrade in the series from a visual standpoint, (I gasped again at Woody lying in a damp, sunny patch of concrete.) but it's more of a reminder of the consistent character development and weight that have been blanketing us for twenty-three years. Pixar isn't reinventing the wheel because it is the wheel. Sure, the characters are too numerous and separate now. I miss the OG's Rex and Hamm. But for one thing, that rogue's gallery makes it funnier when, say, Buttercup pops up with a joke out of nowhere. And the new characters, particularly Forky the Nihilist, are so lovable that I wouldn't know who to trade. Toy Story 4 is probably the worst of the franchise, but that franchise--especially when its subtext seems to be questioning people who want to stop intellectual property from evolving--might be the best we have. 12. Clemency (Chinonye Chukwu)- In discussing the aftermath of an execution, Alfre Woodard's warden character Bernadine mentions the mother who will claim a prisoner's body, who will follow through with plans for burial. And I realized, to be honest, that I had never thought about how executed bodies are claimed and laid to rest, though obviously those sad practicalities persist. This whole film is a reminder of the numerous costs that arise from a system that is out of time and out of reason. To that end, every character is fully drawn with empathy. For example, the assistant warden, which could have been a nothing part, has ambitions and fears that give him an arc that shades the protagonist. The Richard Schiff and Wendell Pierce characters make the film about the compromised promises of retirement, but the assistant warden is there to tug us back into law enforcement. Neon ended up putting this movie on the awards circuit back burner, but Aldis Hodge deserves the world. Although the film piles on one indignity too many for my taste, drifting into miserableism, Hodge's performance has a rare possessive quality. Catatonic in his most crestfallen moments and antic when he clings to hope, Hodge drags the audience along with him. The character is quiet, but every word counts. 11. The Farewell (Lulu Wang)- I was not been more thoroughly charmed all year, especially by Awkwafina, who is a revelation in a tricky role. There are a few scenes that get comedic effect through repetition, and it's telling that the subtitles stop by the third or fourth run-through of a line. The movie assumes you're smart, which goes even further than its piercing emotion. Shout-out to Mr. Li, who made me crack up every time I saw him. The elderly sort-of-boyfriend is such a common figure in real life, but I'm not sure I've ever seen that character type on screen. I'm not sure I've seen any of this on-screen, and that's the reason the film exists.

10. Avengers: End Game (Joe Russo and Anthony Russo)- For a guy who grew up in the '30s, Captain America is pretty cool with gay people. 9. Gloria (Sebastian Lelio)- I saw Lelio's original Gloria, the one that he's remaking here, and it didn't do much for me, even though it hit some of the same beats as this one. I wonder what the difference could be...do you think the total commitment of one of the greatest actresses in the world matters? Lelio documents who this woman is to her children, to her mother, to her ex-husband, to her lover, to her co-workers, and it's by tracking the tiny compromises of those relationships that the viewer gets to see the fully realized her. The cyclical editing of those pieces--sing a disco song to herself in the car, rinse, repeat--ends up lulling the viewer into his role of seeing the complete Gloria. It ends up being a fun, absorbing process. I yelled out loud at Turturro for disrespecting my girl. Moore, who is in every scene, sells us on these different versions of the character through complete control of her instrument. She lets headphones slump along her body at work. She kneels down toward a street performer in a more maternal way than she ever presents with her actual daughter. She sits cross-legged with her best friend, as if they're little girls. I won't spoil what she does at the end, when she is at her most empowered. 8. Midsommar (Ari Aster)- I love this movie, but, boy, is it a friendship killer if you recommend it to the wrong person. Whether you liked Hereditary or not is a good predictor for your taste, but I think Ari Aster's follow-up is much better: Whereas the unpredictability of Hereditary makes the mysticism of its final fourth seem like a leap that you either accept or don't, Midsommar is driving so hard in one direction that its dread is even more pronounced. (The prologue is so masterfully deliberate and gloomy that it takes a long time for the film to get back to those depths.) For comparison's sake again, Aster was painting in the colors of hysteria and fractured relationships before, but the new film seems much more biting and vital in the way it depicts modern men and women. I'm thinking of the way Dani excuses herself at the risk of compromising her safety or rationalizes her boyfriend's forgetting her birthday with "Well, I didn't remind him." All of the characters become victims of a misinformed, selfish brand of multicultural tolerance that makes them rationalize evil instead of speaking up, and that acceptance serves the plot way better than the average horror movie's running up the stairs instead of out the door. For his part, Christian, who seems sympathetic at first, takes ideas, drugs, and even women for himself with impunity. (It's important that he's an anthropology student, and it's more important that his name is Christian.) When he colonizes his Black friend's thesis topic, it might seem like a tipping point, but he was one step ahead in using rules and approval for his purposes. None of the Americans bother to stop him, but that doesn't mean that no one stops him. 7. A Hidden Life (Terrence Malick)- "The sun shines on good and evil the same." In the baggy second hour of what might be Terrence Malick's most direct and linear film, martyr Franz Jagerstatter tosses off that line with grace and aplomb, at a time when most of us would have neither to spare. His captors are confused when he denies that his conscientious objection will make any difference in the war or when he doubts that he is more morally evolved than his countrymen. His refusal to pledge an oath to Hitler is a state with no outcome in mind, which the results-obsessed Nazis cannot understand. In that way he is the perfect Malickian hero, which means he is the perfect Heideggerian hero: a man who sees all planes of existence as equal--or at least equally unknowable to him. As a farmer, Franz observes and acts upon cycles, but he is smaller than Nature and the communion he finds with God there. So when he's torn from his family and daily life to be stuck in a prison, he is separated from that concord further and further. The key, however, is that he is no more or less powerful than before, and that knowledge is what gives him transcendental perspective. He is indifferent in the way that only a saint can be. Of course, what I'm describing also makes for a passive protagonist, which is why the cross-cutting to his wife Fani is so effective. She is the one who has to shoulder the burden of his ideals, and Valerie Pachner's stolid performance sells that sacrifice. The overall balance comes from the jagged but precise editing, and the production is all the more impressive for retaining the Malick style despite the absence of most of his regular collaborators. (This is the first time since The Thin Red Line that he hasn't worked with Jack Fisk, but there the production design is, crafting a 1940 Austrian town out of nothing and building a network of water symbolism that I don't understand yet.) In fact, the whirling steadicam and the avoidance of artificial light have more of a thematic purpose than ever if "the sun shines on good and evil all the same." Perhaps the greatest achievement of this film about unjust war is that it made me pray for Donald Trump today. Because if I want to be like Franz Jagerstatter, then I have to believe the light of God shines on him too. 6. Knives Out (Rian Johnson)- A third of the way into this imaginative, absorbing whodunit, I started to talk myself into the surface pleasures of cinema. "So what if it doesn't have much to say; look at these stars going for it with this spicy dialogue and these gleeful twists." Then the subtext asserts itself through a radiant Ana de Armas, and the subtext becomes the text in the final shot. Knives Out is the best of all worlds. Rian Johnson might be the first filmmaker for whom a Star Wars movie ends up being a footnote. 5. Everybody Knows (Asghar Farhadi)- There's a photograph hanging in the library (yes, the stately library) of the patrician family of my childhood best friend, and I'm in that picture. There I am, dressed a bit sloppier than everyone else, near the edge of the frame. Because I was there, as usual, and because they are kind. Everybody Knows is about one of those family friend outsiders, perhaps in a way that no other movie has been. When it's at its best, it's about what those marginal figures can and can't say, can and can't do. The film dips into soap opera territory, but only to sell its message of how secrets beget other secrets. For me, it's another Farhadi hit of approachable, modest conflict that bakes itself into an experience. 4. Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach)- The best divorce movie ever made--by the guy who wrote and directed the former belt holder of the best divorce movie ever made. These luminous lead performances aren't just about saying cutting, hurtful things or reacting to their child's preference for the other parent (or at least the other parent's toys). They're about the internal devastation of realizing you can never take back something you've said. Driver and Johansson each get a chance to sink into one of those moments, and they're joined by a head-tilting, blustery Laura Dern, who gets a Virgin Mary speech that won her an Oscar. And there are jokes! Underrated aspect of the movie: The son is kind of a dipshit. I like that he just hates math and wants to eat candy, as opposed to the cute prodigies we've seen before in this type of movie. They're fighting over a kid only a parent could love. INSTANT CLASSICS

3. Uncut Gems (Josh Safdie and Benny Safdie)- Howard the jeweler lives somewhere in upstate New York, but he has an apartment in the city. It's an apartment that is close enough for him to cab over to his mistress who lives there, but it's far enough away that his family wouldn't bother popping in for a visit. That sort of gap is present throughout Uncut Gems: Family members act differently in the Diamond District than they do at seder, and we first see Howard from the literally vulnerable inside of a colonoscopy, not the animated brio of his tightrope-walking exterior. Of course, the gem of the title is the ultimate division: something pure that the characters are searching for, untouched by the process that Howard, by definition, does. And the film is about how little he can abide by purity. Until now, The Gambler (1974) was probably the best film of this type, a snapshot of a cursed man who seems to be gambling with forces way beyond the game in question. But Uncut Gems is more pathological, more authentic, more intense, and more decisively realized. By focusing more on character than the Safdie Brothers' other work, it offers a unique depiction of compulsive behavior and implicates the audience in rooting for Howard's (technically unrealistic) parlay. By doubling down on his bets or re-uniting with his girlfriend, Howard thinks that he can reinvent himself and start anew. But like the legacy of the Chosen People the film depicts, like the lines on all of these great New York faces, some things are permanent.

2. The Irishman (Martin Scorsese)- "It's what it is." You wouldn't blame someone if he saw the logline and lineup of The Irishman and expected GoodFellas. In fact, this one quotes Scorsese's signature film continually. Instead of slicing onions with a razorblade, old convicts pitch bocce balls. Instead of tracking sumptuously through the Copa, Scorsese's camera wanders through a nursing home. Instead of pistol-whipping Karen's neighbor for getting handsy, our protagonist curb-stomps a grocery owner for shoving his daughter. But there's a GoodFellas staple that is missing. The first fourth of that crime saga closes as Young Henry, played by Christopher Serrone, gets rewarded for staying mum in court. All of his partners in crime cheer him, and he is told that he learned a valuable lesson (in protecting the family and subverting the law). Then we cut to Adult Henry, played by Ray Liotta now, because Young Henry has learned everything he has to know. The Irishman has no such moment of elevation or revelation. Frank is, crucially, played by Robert De Niro over the course of decades because his fall from grace--if there ever was grace--is too imperceptible for any before-and-after divide. The lessons that he learns are just as corrupting as what Henry discovers: Power comes from insularity. Having power means you don't have to prove it. Organized crime, organized labor, and the political process are all the same thing. A code is all a man has, but all codes have limits. However, Frank's corruption, the selling of his soul, doesn't even bring an Asian-inspired chiffonier or a Janice Rossi sidepiece. Frank doesn't get rich; he jams his hands into a plastic ice bucket at the bar next to his couch. He doesn't get powerful; he has to kill because Russell is too prominent to be in the same town as a hit. He doesn't get glory; even a celebration held in his honor is just an excuse for more influential men to do business. Frank is a tool, and he is trapped in a fruitless silence, at best an accessory at meetings. (De Niro is doing quoting of his own. There's a lot of Jackie Brown's Louis in his shrugs and smirks.) As boisterous as Scorsese's films can be, he also knows how to use silence. Robbie Robertson's score is weak, but luckily the film goes without for long stretches, including a suspenseful car ride that begins with a treacherous hug and ends with a malignant secret. The best performance comes from Joe Pesci, probably because his stolid stillness matches the overall atmosphere. Of course, the quietest moments correlate to the loneliest moments: Frank touring a cemetery or sitting with a door half-cracked to a complicit viewer. It's the silence of deliberate toil. Like the mobster ripping up carpet in the lake house, Scorsese is on his hands and knees destroying his own myths.

1. Parasite (Bong Joon-ho)- Parasite is Bong Joon-Ho's masterpiece because it distills the worldview and passions that he previously flirted with into a condensed but elaborate statement. In the same way that Mean Streets is perfectly good but feels like a rehearsal for the slow boil of encircling gangster life in GoodFellas. In the same way that Hitchcock played with the impotent everyman voyeur in a confined setting but didn't perfect it until Rear Window. Like the examples above, Parasite, a true ensemble, is a case of the subtext becoming text. Back in his native country and language, working more or less with realism, Bong is free to take aim at class in a more direct but still wacky way. In all of its crowd provocation--there's so much pleasure in just a suspenseful winding down stairs--the film is destined to be a foreign film gateway drug. But really it just makes we want to take a half-star off my Snowpiercer review since I know Bong can do better now.

[randomnameless]

Chapter 6 - Tirnanogue to Ganeishire!

Seliph and his school pals go and wreck the Dozels but WAIT, an important character appears!

But first of all, stats. TBH i totally forgot what rings i gave to who in the first gen (i remember facepalming after seeing @demoiselledefortune‘s reply about what should go to who, so don’t be surprised if you see stupid things)

at least Seliph inherited something from his dad’s ashes, two shiny rings and a 50 kill sword. He wants a refund on the barrier ring though.

Since the Barbarian King destroyed Chagall before feeding Barhara’s orchards, Ulster inherited Chagall’s Silver blade. No, you’re not Chagall’s son.

I don’t even know how she manages to walk with all those staves tbh.

The Brave sword also has 50 kills so Larcei can kill things reliably. 

uh... stupid things? No but wait - I remember I wanted to make Dermott good and Noish got some rings before the BBQ to promote ASAP, sadly I was too pissed to make cross Yied to sell his stuff again so... here Dermott goes.

And here is Midayle’s son. With his skill ring. And OF COURSE that brave bow. Before you ask, I don’t remember selling Jamke’s Killer bow so it’s most likely lost (or some random of the Rot Ritter took it as a souvenir).

Ulster worries about his sister, she crossed three tiles after all! It’s SUPER dangerous!

No you won’t go Leeroy Jenkins on me Larcei. This is not FE7, a myrm in a forest can still be hit because the 1RN is the norm here.

he is just your male sibling so he has authority over you and feels responsible for whatever happens to you. It’s called patriarchy.

Ayra wanted to - oh wait she charged against us while she was siding with those barbarians. What, dad? I don’t know who he was.

Playing timeline again? Larcei and Ulster weren’t two at the BBQ, 17 years later they should be bordering on 18-19, right?

liar he only took Seliph only Seliph had a sprite. TFW Oifey takes you to Isaach but not your Royal Cousin. He couldn’t give two figs about you.

OF course she, FE5′s Beta had her be Mareeta’s mom or something! Wait what-

Ulster, don’t go all Marty on your sister, apologising for stupid things. You will become irrelevant aferwards!

then we fight against randoms and hurray, backup!

Noo it’s Midayle’s son :’( - Joking, I expect great things from you Lester. You have Holy blood after all!

Can’t you see? They’re not that far away!

“Most of them” damn it Dermott aren’t you being pessimistic here?

She is a healer, of course she had to be mixed up in the fighting. Wait until you see your own sister!

nah, worry not. They’re 3 with axes, i have 3 sword users. We’re in FE4, she can’t be caught so even if someone fails she’ll be alright.

and just after undermining Lester’s mood you play the good boy? Damn you.

So Lester used all of his movement and went to his sister. And the real reason why Lana is here, it’s not to heal our wounded, but because she worried for Seliph. so you mean Ulster can get diced but if Seliph’s safe it’s A-okay?

and here goes Seliph’s potential wife number 1! She always had a crush on him, even Lester knows! Too bad you’re not going to be his wife Lana.

Be VERY careful? what kind of advice is that?!

OH SHE IS ALIVE? WHERE IS SHE? WHY CAN’T SHE HELP US HELLO AIDEAN???

Oh, so Seliph first and then the randoms. Okay...

“locals”? Well, you’re not Isaachian in the least so maybe you felt ostracised, but calling them “locals” when you lived your entire life here... I smell Quanisms here Lester, and I don’t like Quanisms.

feeling bad for his little bout of racism, Lester fears his mom’s scolding and asks where she is. Hopefully she’s been demoted to unseen NPC in this game.

Ah? Serious Lester?

RIP Midayle, not even remembered by your own kids.

Daaw. given how the game started after her abduction, I guess she will have pretty mixed feelings about Jungby tbh.

Seliph is worried about the world, at least he learnt Geography in the tirnanogue school.

“doomed revolts” yourself! Dorias at least tried! And Leif also started his by the time this convo happens, and it’s not doomed! (because we’re going to save him but shh)

Yay for compassionate and kind Lord!

“your stat sucks Lord Seliph, let us rethink about this matter when you’ll get your own pony”.

I guess guerilla tactics aren’t a thing in Jugdral? Or Oifey’s worried that since Seliph started his revolt, Danan&co are going to take it out on the randoms.

Well they were going to attack our castle and it’s game over if it’s taken so

Remember that Mandate of Heaven convo we had some days ago? Here it is, Ruler does horrible things to his subjects, so he has to disappear.

Dannan’s capital? Damn it, it used to be an “independant” Kingdom! #rivoughforeverscrewed

He must fall before Burian learns what is going on and barges in with his master knight stats and his stupid axe

I wonder why this exist - to show how Dannan pillages the Isaachians?

But it doesn’t matter, because Seliph kills his first boss! He isn’t a pesky rebel, he is the first Imperial Prince and will kick his bro out of the throne! Go go Prince of Light!

or not - he failed miserably and Larcei has to clean after him. You’re not going to win any points with her Seliph, she told you you’re nothing more than a burden!

Crap it’s Brian not Burian. Sorry Brian.

Johan has the nerve to sit in Isaach’s royal seat. That warrants death!

404 ERROR : if Seliph&co are rebels and in hiding, HOW THE FRICK the jobros even know of Larcei?! 

you’re saying the sons of the guy who has a murder/pillage/rape policy in this country are good guys ? Well, why not? 

hey don’t you dare some random villages were destroyed in the north and this castle still stands so don’t talk about ruins.

oh, Lewyn knows Seliph? And Seliph knew him, somehow, but learnt of his true status since the last time they met.

Since the BBQ? The timeline begs to differ Lewyn! And damn you “just an imperial conquest” some people still live there and are apparently starving!

“for all to see” hm, if you say so. Taking in an amnesiac child and raising her is a pathetic and shameful life, of course. You should have sold her to the slave traders, that’d be less pathetic!

Granted Lewyn in the 2nd gen isn’t really Lewyn! RIP Rahna, you were the best ruler of them all, even if i still don’t understand why you took Siggy in. (save for a masterplan to get rid of your brothers in law)

haha, funny how Lewyn doesn’t want to be called a King because he doesn’t hink he is worthy of the title, when Seliph will have the same interrogations later on!

You seem awfully happy about this whole revolution thing. You planned it or something? Was it... expected? It’s as if you’ve been waiting for it to happen.

or because we have WTA and no one dangerous is here, unlike, say, Manster where Blume chills with the Mjolnir and Travant waits for an opportunity to attack. couldn’t the rebellion have started in Miletos they just have hilda

hahaha - Prince Shanan won’t liberate his homeland.

Why on Naga - I mean Loptyr - they decided to hide the Balmung in Yied and not seal it in Velthomer like the Book of Naga?

evil priest? He must belong to the church of blaggi.

Shanan has Crusader Odo’s major blood, he can dodge things! unlike that child in your cousin’s group who gets hit by stupid things like axes at 15%

OH AN IMPORTANT FLOWER POT! Come here, show your sprite but don’t say a word, it’s useless. Someone will talk in your stead. Maybe she’s shy, or maybe she’s sad that the script won’t let her say a word :’(

“and looking after her made my life pathetic and miserable”. See? Your presence brings positivity around Julia!

OMG but imagine if the Empire sent Saias or Ishtar in Silesse and they were just about to meet Julia but they ran away.

Things that involve a priest who was fired because he used torture and somehow became Leif’s most important person. At least Leanne had some backbone when Tibarn talked about her being an anchor - but Julia is the original cardboard, she doesn’t emote when insulted.

“She only needs to be fed 3 times a day!” You’re not talking about a pet you have to leave behind before going on holidays :’(

Julia has been demoted from flower pot to cardboard to pet to thing in less than 5 minutes. And she still didn’t get a line in!

AMNESIA? Where have I heard that -

Don’t worry Seliph, I doubt she even knows what comfortable is after having lived with Lewyn.

Seliph worries about Julia’s feelings and Lewyn talks about the war. If you knew who she truly is, you wouldn’t treat her like this, would you?

Good luck with what, the rebellion or Julia? If Naga knew how you’re treating her current Crusader, I bet she wouldn’t be supporting you, F!Lewyn!

Promises you can’t keep 2nd gen version : 1

Don’t do this, please Seliph. You’re better than your dad.

Oh well, I guess it means we can’t have her be caught until the end of the chapter.

“i mean Larcei always belittles me and she had to dice that random i couldn’t kill and she laughed at me”

When will that day happen? You’re not the one who has the broken tome Seliph.

As strong as Siggy?? Mmh, Oifey taught you well, it’d seem.

AND OMG JULIA FIRST WORD IN THE SCRIPT BEWARE IT IS SOMETHING HIGHLY RELEVANT TO THE PLOT

or not.

I wonder who her parents are. Vala? Maybe she’s Azel’s kid!

[bbclesmis]

The Telegraph: Dominic West: 'Colette's husband smoked and had sex three times a day – it makes our vegan times look dreary'

When Dominic West was cast opposite Keira Knightley in Colette, to play the limelight-stealing first husband of the not-yet-famous French novelist, it was during his stage run of Dangerous Liaisons at London’s Donmar, playing a wicked libertine of quite another époque.

“I tend to get villains these days,” West muses, sinking back affably in a hotel armchair. To viewers of the BBC’s new Les Misérables, the remark may seem puzzling: after all, it’s not the obsessive Javert he’s playing in that six-hour, song-free version of Victor Hugo’s novel, but Jean Valjean, one of the most unambiguous heroes in world literature.

The 49-year-old Yorkshireman admits it was a refreshing change – if probably a one-off – to be offered such a morally upstanding assignment. Willy in Colette and Valmont in Liaisons are more like bread-and-butter characters; throw in his small-screen infidelities in The Affair, which has one last season of grubby intrigue to shoot, and he’s the actor most likely to be glared at on the street as an incorrigible philanderer.

Beyond turpitude, though, he spots something else these parts have in common: we watch him outmanoeuvred by the women he assumed he could possess.

“That does seem to be a theme in my career – being matched by stronger women. Which is probably the theme of my life, too. I've got five sisters, and three daughters! I’m the go-to guy for playing the male foil, I suppose.”

When did this shift to bad guys occur, if it was even really a shift? “You reach certain waypoints in your career – well, I played lovers, and now I play villains, and dads! A while ago, I played Iago, Fred West and some other horror, all in the same year. I must have a funny look in my eye? I don't know what it is. But I suppose the Devil's always got the best lines. They're more interesting to play, really, especially if you can play against the evil.”

Colette is being marketed around Knightley, by and large. This seems eminently fair: as a writer and actress in turn-of-the-century Paris, Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette spent way too much of her career living in the shadow of her ruthless, slave-driving publisher – also her husband, known to the world as “Willy” – to be co-credited on her own biopic with anyone else.

Still, it’s West who snuck his way into a BIFA nomination, for best supporting actor, while Knightley was crowded out. The film relies for nuance on his refusal to monster the character. He concedes that it’s not the most flattering role. “I had three different fat-suits and an appalling walrus moustache!” But in West’s hands, an odd sympathy emerges for Willy, despite all his terrible behaviour – locking Colette in an upstairs room to write, cheating on her incessantly, and eventually selling off the rights to her novels.

Show more

“I thought he was obviously an exciting guy to be around,” West says. “And a total shit, and a narcissist, and an exploiter. But she was with him because he was this incredible force of nature, really, and a sort of bon viveur catalyst to quite a lot of very good writers. I did, even at the end, have a sympathy for this Salieri figure, who realised, having been so famous, that he would only ever be remembered as Colette’s former husband. Which is ironic – no one's ever heard of him now. And if they have, that's the only reason.”

First hatched as an idea 15 years ago, Wash Westmoreland’s film has been an arduous one to get made. West mentions this slow gestation to explain how tentatively the dial moves, in terms of getting stories told about women’s creative achievements. Just five years ago, Knightley was essentially playing sidekick to Alan Turing in The Imitation Game; now it’s her turn to play the genius.

West sees it as “rather serendipitous” that so much discussion about women’s agency – not to mention male abuse – started to happen as the film got made. There’s a striking parallel, I point out, with the role Glenn Close plays in The Wife – as the true brains behind the operation in another literary marriage. “I bet that’s a commonplace story,” he agrees. “Misapplied acclaim. It’s interesting that George Eliot had to change her name to a man's to get published. But then, so did JK Rowling. Doesn't change much, does it?”

 As a true-blue fan of The Wire, I couldn’t possibly interview West without touching on his lead role in that series. You could argue David Simon’s Baltimore-set, 5-season HBO epic changed everything for the actor in 2002, but you’d be wrong, because it took about five years before anyone even saw it.

West, a dabbler in Hollywood back then, was deep into his “lovers” phase – he’d been an alcoholic boyfriend to Sandra Bullock in 28 Days, a jazz-age lothario shot dead by Renée Zellweger in Chicago, a caddish colleague to Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile. He was usually the debonair party animal you had to get out of the way so the film could carry on.

And then a tape he’d recorded as a joke fell into Simon’s hands. “It was just an astonishing piece of luck,” he reflects, “because in spite of myself, I landed the lead part in the best TV show of all time!”. This casting fluke lets him lampoon himself so perfectly it’s hard not to laugh. “I spent an awful lot of time trying to get out of it! I was always saying, ‘Oh gawd, not another season.’ Mainly because I was away from home, from my young daughter. And also because no one seemed to be watching it.”

Jimmy McNulty, an alcoholic cop struggling with child support and unstable relationships, was the show’s weary constant. West’s crumpled humility gave the show a relatable centre, but it finally paid him back: the slow-trickle recognition of Simon’s sensational achievement has let everyone involved live in its afterglow.

“I wouldn’t have watched it, had I not been in it,” West admits. “My daughter told me the other day, ‘Yeah, I watched it, it's very dated, dad.’ I don't think it is, though! It's been the gift that keeps on giving.” Michael B. Jordan, now a superstar after the Creed films and Black Panther, got his break there as a tragic 16-year-old drug dealer called Wallace. “I directed him in the last season, now he’s the king of Hollywood,” West remembers.

And there was Idris Elba, as kingpin-cum-politician Stringer Bell. “What happened to Idris? I don't know what happened to Idris. Has anyone heard of him since?! It was perfect. I think he knew it was perfect. He came in, blazed it, and got out. The rest of us felt slightly like journeymen, supporting these celebrity cameos.”

West socks over this kind of self-deprecation with reliable verve. He gallantly assumes it was his dancing, not Knightley’s, which led to a polka sequence being cut from Colette. “She’s pretty easy to spark off,” he says of his co-star. “And she's certainly easy to fall in love with. I had one particular scene where I'm in despair because she's leaving me, and that was a piece of cake.”

Colette was just a 19-year-old Burgundian country girl when she met Willy, 14 years her senior, and was swept off her feet. When West talks about their vigorous sex life, which branched out to multiple partners in Paris – and some they shared – there’s a hint of performative envy to his routine. “Considering what he drank and ate and smoked every day, he was also having sex three times a day. I mean, people did that, in those days. They make our vegan times look so dreary!”

Meanwhile, his approach to tackling the almost dauntingly virtuous Jean Valjean was to find the weakness in the man. “He's so obviously someone overcoming his shortcomings. Which is the only chance any of us get to be heroes. Quite apart from all the acrobatic saving of kids that he does, his great thing is redeeming his flaws, or his dark past.”

It’s an effort for us both not keep calling it Les Miz. Wasn’t he at all disappointed that he never got to belt out “Two-four-six-oh-OOOOONE!!” in his beefiest Old Etonian baritone?

“I was disappointed, but I think everyone else was relieved! I wondered where the songs were, actually. I kept trying to sing and they kept stopping me.”

Les Misérables continues on BBC One on Sunday at 9pm. Colette is out in UK cinemas from January 11 (x)

[theshapeshifter100]

Guess What? I’m Not a Robot Ch33

Summary: A more chilled chapter. Ivy comes back and Warren’s speech.

Chapter Warnings: some strong language

Word Count: 2,012

6PM Wednesday 10th November 2038

Megan stirred in time for the six o’clock news. At first she was confused. She was pretty sure she’d fallen asleep against Paul, why was she in bed essentially, with a hot water bottle no less?

The answer lay in the aforementioned android. Of course he had done this, no one else would!

Megan groaned as it occurred to her that he would have to have carried her downstairs, and she wondered how he did it. Bridal style? Fireman’s lift? Against his shoulder like a child? All of them were equally embarrassing.

She quickly escaped the blanket, although after a moment’s thought she retrieved the hot water bottle and hugged it. It was cold now.

She padded over to the other side of the basement, where the tv, and everyone else, was.

“Any news?” she asked, concerned when she still didn’t see short hair the colours of the pansexual flag.

“Ivy’s on her way,” Paul assured, looking like he knew exactly how embarrassed Megan was. “She managed to evade the police and is making her way back by foot.”

“They were still doing ID checks at public transport,” Megan remembered. “I only got away with it because my hair colour is natural, I imagine.”

“I thought that too,” admitted Maggie, who had her arms wrapped around herself like a hug. “I’m still worried.”

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Lucas assured before turning his attention back to the news. “The President’s going to make a statement in a few hours.”

“Who gives a shit about what Warren has to say?” Nathan scoffed. “When will you lot start picking better Presidents? First Trump then this one!”

“Most of us weren’t old enough to vote when she came into office,” Oscar shot back at the Brit. “Either way, we’re stuck with her.”

“History, if not learned from, will repeat,” Nathan smirked, and Paul suddenly stepped between them, as Oscar looked like he was going to try and flatten the musician.

“That’s enough you two. There are bigger problems than the current President of the United States. How about we pay attention to the news now, and worry about Warren later?”

Nathan and Oscar glared at each other, but did not escalate.

“Nicely said Paul,” noted Allison, and he nodded at her.

They turned their attention back to the television in time for a report on the protest earlier.

“Earlier today, in complete defiance of suspension of the right to assembly, a small pro android protest formed outside the main CyberLife store in Detroit. It began with three ringleaders and miraculously, began to draw more support.

“Detroit police were called and only one of the ringleaders was arrested. University of Detroit student Alex Briar, aged 20, is currently in police custody. The two other ringleaders fled the scene, and have been identified from CCTV as Ivy Stanford and Megan Carroll, both fellow students at the University of Detroit. If anyone has any information of their whereabouts please contact the police.”

Megan stared as her college mugshot appeared on screen next to Ivy’s. She looked over at Paul, thinking about what she was going to say.

“I guess you’re not the only one Wanted now.”

Paul’s lips twitched into a smile as the report turned into something else unimportant. “I suppose not. I thought you’d be more worried about this?”

“I am,” Megan assured, “but also, kind of excited? I’ve never broken the law before.”

Paul rolled his eyes. “Please don’t turn into an adrenaline junkie. I don’t think I could take the stress.”

Megan laughed at that and nudged with her elbow. “How could I? With you keeping my feet on the ground.”

Maggie, Julia and Allison all shared the same conspiring look before drifting away from the tv. The report had moved to the weather, so unless Markus’s surviving deviants or the other factions of Android Allies did something drastic, nothing was happening until the President’s speech. Which they would all rip to pieces.

There was a hurried knock on the door, and everyone looked up as Julia went to go answer it. Maggie followed her up, and everyone heard her cry of ‘oh thank God!’

“It appears Ivy is back,” Paul summarised.

“No shit Sherlock,” Lucas smirked, getting up from his seat. “Wonder what took her so long?”

“Normally it would take roughly several hours to reach this house from the centre of the city by foot,” Paul rattled off. “Given that the military are still combing the city, the poor weather and that the police are looking for her, this would have increased her travel time significantly.”

“...Noted,” Lucas responded, a little surprised by the sudden spout of information.

Everyone looked over at the stairs, but were surprised when just Julia came down.

“Ivy and Maggie are otherwise, occupied,” she answered the unasked question.

Lucas chuckled to himself. “I suppose they would want a good kiss after all that.”

Paul looked sharply at him. “I was not aware they were in a romantic relationship.”

“They don’t like to flaunt it,” Lucas shrugged. “But yeah, they’ve been dating for a while now.”

Paul had nothing to say to that, and neither did anyone else. When the two eventually made it back downstairs, faces flushed and clothes messed up, there was some teasing and wolf whistling. Megan just rolled her eyes at the display and turned her attention back to the tv, hot water bottle still clutched against her stomach.

“So, I hear I’m a wanted criminal?” Megan looked over to see Ivy raising an eyebrow. “After tonight, I’m not surprised!”

“How much property damage did you cause?” asked Lucas, half joking.

“A little bit,” Ivy admitted, “I may have dented some trash cans, scared some old ladies, and nearly bring down a fire escape. It was old!” she protested, and everyone laughed, glad to have one more member back.

“I guess Alex is still with the police?” Ivy asked, and the mood disappeared.

“Yeah,” Julia answered. “Maybe, maybe I should talk to my uncle?”

“I don’t think that will help,” Paul interjected. “Alex has in fact broken the law, and the police will be stretched thin right now. Alex is safe where they are.”

Julia nodded, running a hand through her dark hair. “I hope you’re right.”

 9.24PM Wednesday 10th November 2038

They all gathered in front of the tv for the President’s speech several hours later. Julia had supplied some popcorn that had been hiding in a cupboard somewhere, and Allison, Maggie, Ivy, Nathan and Lucas were happily eating it.

They were greeted to President Warren walking towards the podium in the White House, all smiles and waves as cameras flashed. She got settled, and began to speak in an oddly halting manner, although it made it difficult to mishear anything.

“At 6Am this morning a national curfew was declared. Civilian movement will be strictly controlled, the right to assembly is suspended, all electronic communications are restricted, and I have granted enhanced powers to our security agencies. In addition to these measures, all androids must be handed over to the authorities immediately. Temporary camps are being set up in all our major cities to contain and destroy them. I am now asking all civilians to co-operate with the authorities, and rest assured that everything in our power is being done to guarantee the security of our nation.”

“So basically, nothing Detroit didn’t already know,” Allison quipped, throwing a kernel of popcorn in her mouth.

“I don’t know,” Lucas disagreed, following suit. “I don’t think we knew the curfew was country wide.”

“I feel sorry for those who want to check on family,” Julia suddenly interjected as various reporters vied for the President’s attention. “If communication is down countrywide then no one can check if anyone’s okay.”

A simultaneous sensation of guilt gripped those still in college. Their parents had to be freaking out.

The President picked a reporter to respond to, and they asked.

“Has the leader of the deviants been apprehended?”

“The deviant that is known as Markus has not been located yet, but we will soon track it down and neutralise it.”

Paul let out the heaviest sigh of relief out of everyone, despite not needing to breath. Markus wasn’t dead.

The next reporter was called upon.

“Is it true that the androids could hack our IT systems, like nuclear power plants and military bases?”

“All androids working on sensitive sites have been neutralised and all IT systems have been suspended to avoid any risks of hacking. The situation is under control.”

“Can you hack things Paul?” Megan asked, genuinely curious, and Paul shrugged.

“I’ve never tried,” he admitted.

Yet another reporter.

“Many believe that androids are a new form of intelligent life. Do you have any comment?”

“That’s ridiculous. Next question please.”

“Fuck off!” Allison and Ivy both threw their popcorn at the screen. Surprisingly it was Nathan who exploded next.

“That’s clearly not ridiculous you ignorant, incompetent, senile old bat!” he bellowed, making everyone jump. “If they weren’t sentient, they wouldn’t be fucking revolting now would they?!”

“Nathan, we get it,” Julia tried to calm him down. “And she can’t hear you.”

“I know, I know,” Nathan mumbled before sitting back down, just in time for the next journalist’s question.

“What’s going to happen to CyberLife? Will androids be banned definitively?”

“We’re working very closely with Cyberlife to neutralise all deviants. I won’t make any comments about anything else until we have dealt with the android question.”

Megan glanced at Paul, and gripped his hand, giving it what she hoped was a comforting squeeze. He noticed the pressure and looked down at his hand before smiling warmly at Megan, the gesture appreciated.

“Madam President, public opinion seems to have become increasingly favourable to the deviants, particularly since they’ve adopted a peaceful approach. How do you feel about this?”

“Damn straight,” Oscar uttered the first thing he’d said to the group all evening, almost rumbling over the President’s response.

“Public opinion is one thing, the security of the state is another. These deviants are dangerous and my highest priority is to protect the American people. Thank you. That will be all.”

“Oh fuck off!” Lucas rolled his eyes as the President walked away, desperate reporters still shouting their questions. “They’re as dangerous as any other human, and frankly, humans have probably harmed more androids.”

Paul looked across the group, most of them simmering with pent up fury at the President and how she was handling this. He felt an odd sensation in his chest cavity which he struggled to describe.

Megan noticed his face twist in confusion and gave him a nudge. “How are you feeling?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“Describe it.”

“Warm,” he said instantly. “Almost like, happy, but, it’s not quite that.”

“Anything else?” Megan carefully stole some of Maggie’s popcorn without her noticing.

“I think, I think I’m grateful, and, not quite believing what just happened, but in a good way?”

“Ride the shitstorm,” Megan reminded. “Is that everything?”

“I, I think so. Yes. I can’t quite believe that everyone’s on my side, even if that is illogical, and I’m grateful that they all are,” Paul looked at the group again, no one seemed to hear what he had said, as they were all discussing the conference. There was still some tension in the air, as Alex was obviously absent, but everyone was pulling together in spite of that.

“Easy Spock, don’t blow a circuit,” Megan smirked at him, and he gave her a gentle shove to show that didn’t appreciate the comparison. Megan merely laughed and shoved him back.

Paul was pretty certain that were people were watching now, and money had exchanged hands. Although what they betting on he wasn’t sure.

Megan suddenly yawned and stood up, still yawning.

“I’m going to sleep,” she announced, and Paul nodded, a mischievous grin forming.

“I don’t suppose you would like a bed time story?”

Megan flipped him the bird as she walked to the mattress she’d been sleeping on earlier, and Paul laughed.

A fairly chilled chapter this time, nothing overly exciting. Since this is based off Jacksepticeye's playthrough, the questions Warren was asked were selected on his playthrough.

Before things get out of hand; Nathan is British, and I don't know of any British person who has anything good to say about him, and since Warren is a combination of Hilary and Trump (look up the bio) I would imagine that some British people would still be pissed about her.

Finally, Ivy and Maggie, the second same sex couple in the story. I'm flip flopping on whether Maggie is bi or lesbian. It won't make much of a difference in this scenario, but if I want to do one shots with her I will need to decide. And, Ivy was obviously pan, come on!

Other Options Flowchart

(Paul) Step between them. Favour Oscar. Favour Nathan.

(Megan) Be serious. Worry.

(Megan) Place hand on shoulder. Smile at him.

Tags! @nightmarejim @septicart-appreciation

[d2071art]

i had a dream last night about an au where part of the reason Julia had runaway was that she was pregnant with spikes child and had spent years trying to keep the child a secret from vicious eventually the child came out of hide after she heard her mother was dead along with vicious and then somehow found herself on the bebop since in your au spike comes back 2 years later his daughter would be 5 to 4 years old i don't think spike would have a son but what do think of this idea?

I think this would make a good fanfic, the one with lots of jokes and awkward situations. Go for it! ;)))

But personally – just personally – I prefer not to imagine scenarios of Spike’s past haunting him all over again in any form. He wanted to be free from it – and he deserves this freedom, he deserves a future, you know. (yeah, sorry, all this ‘release from the past and moving on’ stuff is kinda important to me)

As for that art (two years after The Real Folk Blues): it is not my personal AU, I just wanted to draw smth with that particular Sherlock scene reference. As for my actual AU… Well, in my world of ponies and rainbows Bebop crew established their own detective agency with Jet in charge, Faye investigating financial frauds & schemes, Spike leading & training a number of their operative groups and Edo dealing with cyberthefts and such. They do face problems of all shapes and sizes, of course, but actual, real problems, not their past and past-related issues. ^^

[theconservativebrief]

“I never joke about money,” streetwalker Vivian tells billionaire investor Edward Lewis during one of the most celebrated meet-cutes of all time: he, lost on his way to Beverly Hills; she, a down-and-out sex worker trying to make rent. A few barbed, sex-laced exchanges later, they’ve found common ground in their equally impressive business acumen and equally stunning good looks — and all the ingredients for Pretty Woman, the most profitable romantic comedy ever created, are in place.

Pretty Woman: The Musical, directed by longtime Broadway choreographer Jerry Mitchell (Kinky Boots, Broadway Bares) and now playing at the Nederlander Theatre, combines all those familiar ingredients and tosses a laid-back score from ’90s rock icon Bryan Adams and his longtime collaborator Jim Vallance into the mix.

The result is frothy and fun, with moments of real loveliness — as long as you’re not looking for any kind of grounding in reality. This Pretty Woman lightens the social commentary that helped make Garry Marshall’s 1990 film so memorably self-aware in peddling its escapism; anchored by an insouciant lead performance from Samantha Barks (best known for playing Éponine onscreen in Les Misérables), it tends to abandon altogether the film’s already ham-fisted portrayal of gritty LA street life.

Setting the fairy tale to music also dulls the film’s wry portrayal of ’80s corporate greed, which was originally couched within a culture only just starting to rethink its excess as it stood on the brink of late-stage capitalism. Mitchell effectively sands the edges off Marshall’s film (even if those edges weren’t all that sharp to begin with).

But honestly? That’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I’m not sure a more sardonic version of Pretty Woman could have stood up onstage in 2018 at all. This version sidesteps sociopolitics — and especially sexual politics — in favor of a kind of gaudy magical realism, lots of dancing, and copious amounts of love for its heroine.

When Julia Roberts and Richard Gere catapulted their way to permanent star status as Vivian and Edward, they did it through unmistakable cinematic chemistry. On Broadway, that chemistry inevitably has to be bigger and bolder, and Barks and her co-star, perennial Broadway fave Andy Karl (Groundhog Day), do the job without going overboard.

Because the book (by the late Marshall and J.F. Lawton) almost never diverts from the film script, Barks and Karl have little to do other than be charming, as they slot into roles that are so embedded within the cultural lexicon that much of the audience will likely take notice of what makes it into the stage version and what doesn’t. (Out: divot-stomping, drugs, the song “Pretty Woman,” and “It’s got potential.” In: Vivian’s thigh-high stiletto boots, the cringeworthy dead hooker scene, Rodeo Drive, and Cinder-fucking-rella!)

Luckily for us, Barks and Karl are charming, though they’re both missing the edge their predecessors brought to their roles. Barks plays Vivian like a classic bright-eyed ingenue, conscious of her worth and ready to prove it, rather than as a street-smart, wary kid who needs a nudge to demand more of herself. But Barks also has the stage presence and the vocal chops to disarm, and the show’s Adams/Vallance score is at its best when giving her assertive power numbers (“Anywhere But Here,” “I Can’t Go Back”).

Karl, perhaps swinging too far away from his brilliantly cynical turn in 2016’s Groundhog Day, plays Edward as directionless but essentially pleasant, rather than as a serious cutthroat whose love of The Art of War can’t help him through a midlife crisis. He’s served the least by the score, which doesn’t seem to know how to frame Edward’s complicated interiority except as a vague longing for “Freedom.” That doesn’t mean much given how free he already seems to be when the lights go up.

Still, when watching these two charming people charm one another via light flirtation, piano sex, and seduction by opera, it’s clear that Pretty Woman is trying its best to charm its audience by providing a pleasant, even sedate evening at the theater. The musical doesn’t really encourage anyone to think deeply (or at all) about its premise, its worship of opulence, or whether a heroine with such limited agency can ever really rescue her billionaire hero in kind.

Contributing to the lull is a minimalist set design that sells the show’s “two different worlds” theme — it’s anvilicious, but then, this is LA — by alternating between stately shades of beige for Wiltshire Boulevard and crayon colors for Vivian’s street world. The whole aesthetic is a clean throwback: The stage is dotted with the kind of cutout palm trees that would look right at home on a Trapper Keeper circa 1990; the sex scenes are all backlit like an early ’90s erotic neo-noir.

What that set design does best is make room for fashion — the evening’s unspoken third headliner — and an energetic ensemble that’s generally entertaining even when it has little to do. They’re spearheaded by Eric Anderson’s (Waitress) magical narrator/hotel concierge, and crowd favorite Orfeh (Legally Blonde) as Vivian’s charismatic roommate Kit. They keep things moving, even as the musical’s attempts to beef up the comedic flair of the minor characters tend to fall flat. (Especially tedious are the hotel staff, who seem to be there mainly to be camp comic relief.)

Despite everyone’s best efforts, however, the score starts to lag midway through the show, and it’s here that Pretty Woman’s weakest link is exposed,

At root, Pretty Woman has always been a musical. It’s a retelling of My Fair Lady with fewer gender hang-ups; there’s even an identical horse racing tableau that serves as the perfect homage. It’s a shameless fantasy, and when its iconic images and lines are set to music — for instance, the tagline “What’s your dream?” becomes an opening ensemble song and dance (“Welcome to Hollywood”) — it becomes even more shameless.

That’s mainly due to the composer, who’s been breathing Pretty Woman’s aesthetic for the past 30 years. In 1990, cellphones were the size of large bricks, the Hubble telescope was just entering orbit, and Bryan Adams was just sitting down in a London studio to write “Everything I Do (I Do It For You),” the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves hit that would go on to become one of the best-selling singles of all time. Pretty Woman: The Musical sounds as though it was written during Adams’s heyday, with a guitar-heavy score and plenty of ballads that could have been plucked from his biggest solo albums.

But while the score starts out fairly strong, a perfect match to the musical’s tonal aesthetic, the songs eventually give way to a kind of sameness. They lack variety in tone, tempo, and energy, ultimately slowing down the pace until boredom sets in. Barks is a pleasure to listen to, but the score sometimes transmits a lethargy that undermines her plucky get-go — and while Mitchell’s choreography is fine, it can’t quite elevate the music to deliver the exuberance of the story he’s telling. Overall, this makes the musical’s narrative elements feel a little pedestrian.

The truest exception to this general trend is the famous opera box sequence. Adams and Vallance mix and meld passages from La Traviata with the show’s score, while the opera itself seems to surround and envelop our two lovers. It’s a genuinely lovely moment — pure creativity that delights an audience and mimics the immersive power of seeing a great stage production for the first time.

It’s in this moment that Pretty Woman comes closest to being a great stage production unto itself — perhaps because it’s in this moment that it’s at its most abstract. Pretty Woman doesn’t try to reconcile the movie’s absurdities and easy wish fulfillment with the brutal reality of the ’90s or any other era. It instead offers us an expanded fantasia on what was already a far-fetched fantasy to begin with. It’s most successful when it stops simply iterating the film, scene by etched-in-memory scene, and lets the spectacle of theater build on the film’s most dazzling moments. If anything, Pretty Woman: The Musical could have dazzled us even more.

Original Source -> Pretty Woman: The Musical is high on charm, low on substance

via The Conservative Brief

[rhovanels]

Letter for the Chocolate Box fic exchange.

I’m always thrilled to receive anything that someone has created for me, so don’t worry, I’ll be happy with whatever you come up with! Also, please feel free to send me an anonymous ask if you need anything clarified.

General likes:

- mutual pining-happy ending narratives

- I’m equally happy with fluff and angst - don’t feel like you need to hold back on either

- women with various types of strength and agency and power

- sex is absolutely not a requirement for my pairings, and I particularly like sex that’s based in emotion, or is more implied rather than explicit. 

- I love plotty dramas, but I equally like quiet, small character moments - go where your muse takes you

- characters who are competent and unapologetic about who they are

- relationships based in communication - talking, challenging and testing one another, wordy declarations of love

- tonally, my favourite emotional register is sad and sweet, but I’m happy with humour and excitement too

- slow burn friends to lovers (although I don’t really expect that for an exchange of this length)

- EPISTOLARY RELATIONSHIPS.

- tropes and general things I like (in no particular order): declarations of love; banter and bickering; one person suddenly realising they’re in love with the other person; huddling for warmth; hurt/comfort; there’s only one bed; ‘holy shit they’re hot in that outfit’; fake dating; bittersweet endings; found families; poetry

Art likes

Honestly, if you’re drawing me something I will probably backflip out the window, because I have no artistic talent and am constantly in awe of what other people produce.

- non-sexual intimacy between characters

- mundane, slice-of-life moments

Dislikes:

- nothing too smutty because I am tame, and no PWP.

- no A/B/O dynamics

- no professor/student (or a similar dynamic) relationships

- no non-con or dub-con

- no character bashing

- no non-canon compliant levels of homophobia, racism, sexism, transphobia

- no abuse (physical or emotion)

Most importantly, have fun - if you’ve enjoyed creating this, I’ll enjoy receiving it.

Onto my specific requests! 

A Little Life

God, I love this book. It is the most life-affirming, poignant, utterly devastating book I have ever read and I cannot in good conscience recommend it to anyone, because it seriously messed me up. I will never get over just how much love there is between the characters, and love in all sorts of different shapes and forms (particularly love for Jude).

Jude St. Francis & Harold Stein; Jude St. Francis & Harold Stein & Julia Stein: Found families are my JAM, and this one breaks my heart beautifully. I’d love to see something earlier in their relationship, before or around the time of the adoption. Possible prompts: holiday or celebration - a birthday party, a Christmas (Jude gets a Christmas stocking!!!); Jude reacting to being casually claimed as family in public (I’m crying just thinking about it)

Jude St. Francis & Andy Contractor: The relationship between these two is probably my favourite in the whole book. I’d love something outside of Andy’s examination room, a moment in which the two of them relate to one another as friends first, rather than doctor/patient. Possible prompts: a late night phone conversation; a surprise meeting on the street; aAndy taking Jude somewhere - a gallery, a park, the cinema, etc

Jude St. Francis/Willem Ragnarsson: Show me a missing scene from “The Happy Years”. A slice of life moment, a trip, a momentous occasion - as long as it’s happy. Possible prompts: a surprise airport reunion; a special meal; a third party commenting on how happy they seem together

Jean-Baptiste "JB" Marion & Willem Ragnarsson & Jude St. Francis & Malcolm Young: I’m up for anything with the four of them - again, just show me a happy and cared for Jude. Possible prompts: adventures on the subway; a moment from one of their holidays at Harold’s house

Provenance

Provenance has two of my favourite things in spades - politics and heists. I fell in love with these characters and I’d love to see what happens to them after the events of the novel. I really wanted more resolution in Garal’s storyline than Leckie gave us, so I’d particularly like something that features em. Maybe they all work together to try and reform Compassionate Removal - Ingray and Taucris provide the political backbone, Garal and Tic the street smarts. But really, I’m happy with whatever you come up with, dear author. Just let Garal be happy!

Dragon Age

Cassandra Pentaghast/Varric Tethras or Cassandra Pentaghast & Varric Tethras: Oh, I adore the relationship between the two of them, and how it evolves over the course of the games. By the end of Inquisition, there’s such a genuine sense of affection and fondness between the two of them. I’d love anything that explores how much they really care for one another, underneath their banter. If you’re taking a romantic route, I would particularly adore a prickly Cassandra being courted by Varric (maybe it starts as a joke or a bet and then Varric realises he’s in way too deep). Possible prompts: Fake. Dating. If there was ever a pair that was made for this trope, it’s these two; They’re also made for an epistolary romance - Varric’s skill with words meets Cassandra’s careful and hesitant prose; Post-inquisition meeting the family/friends - either Cassandra ends up in Kirkwall, or Varric meets up with Cassandra in Nevarra; Bonding/coming together through their shared faith - I’ve always found it interesting that Varric is Andrastian

Leliana/Cassandra Pentaghast; Leliana & Cassandra Pentaghast: From the opening in Haven to the end of Trespasser, these two (and their trust in one another) are the heart of the Inquisition. Show me the respect these two women have for one another, and why they work so well together. If you’re writing post-Trespasser, I would prefer a world state in which Leliana is Divine. Possible prompts: quiet moments of shared faith; competing against one another in an Inquisition tournament (I’m thinking of that archery competition codex); a post-Trespasser reunion

Female Hawke & Aveline Vallen Female Hawke/Aveline Vallen: I love the “exasperated fondness” dynamic between these two. Show me it in action - maybe Aveline dealing with Hawke’s rash behaviour and having to rescue her time and time again, maybe Hawke rolling her eyes at Aveline’s romantic rituals. Possible prompts: Aveline breaking Hawke out of jail (OR Hawke breaking INTO jail to get rescued by Aveline); arguing while camping; a Wintersend gift exchange (this could be sweet or could be utterly hilarious, your call)

Isabela/Josephine Montilyet: I don’t have much for these two beyond that I think they’d have a fascinating dynamic, so I’d love to see it explored in any shape or form. But maybe with pirates. Possible prompts: a dangerous trade agreement; masked encounters with a final reveal 

Dorian Pavus/Solas: Remember that time Varric told Dorian that “just because two people dislike each other doesn't mean they're about to kiss, Sparkler”? Varric, you have never been more wrong about anything in your life. This is my current rarepair and I am dying, and I will take basically anything with them - enemies to lovers, bickering and sexual tension, established relationship fluff, even Trespasser angst - whatever takes your fancy. My only request is that they’re equals in their relationship - no d/s or mentor/student-esque dynamics, please. Possible prompts: Being sent out alone together solve a magic problem by the Inquisitor and realising they may have misjudged the other; One of them leaps to the other’s defence when that person isn’t around, but then they find out about it later (or overhear); I have no idea how you’d get fake dating to work with these two, but if you can think of something, I would eat it up with a spoon

Dorian Pavus/Iron Bull: I spent a lot of time in Inquisition wandering around trying to trigger this pairing and it never happened for me. I like them together, but it's never been a huge ship for me. So this isn't so much as a prompt as a challenge: convince me, convert me, make me fall in all-consuming love with this relationship.

Black Sails

If it’s not clear from the pairings I’ve chosen, I love Charles Vane more than life itself. He’s dramatic, reckless, a total trash bag, but his heart is ultimately in the right place.

Anne Bonny/"Calico" Jack Rackham/Charles Vane (Black Sails): Oh, these three. Their bond is volatile and fraught, but it’s eternal. I’d be really interested to see some of the history between them - adventures on the Ranger, etc. I particularly like their dynamic as a found family.

"Calico" Jack Rackham/Charles Vane (Black Sails): For someone who grew up as an indentured child labourer, Vane has a weirdly poetic way with words. Perhaps everyone's favourite dandy had a part to play here? Maybe Jack woos an oblivious Vane, maybe he teaches him poetry and then Vane uses it on him, maybe there's an epistolary romance?

Captain Flint/Charles Vane (Black Sails): I’m fascinated with the way that Vane always leaps to Flint’s defence - first at Charlestown, then again in the duel with Teach. Show me why Vane is so determined to protect him.

Eleanor Guthrie/Charles Vane (Black Sails): They really have a tragic romance, and I’d love to see anything that explores two people who can’t live with or without one another (although a fix-it is always welcome too).

Also, if anyone wanted to make me a space AU (i.e. they’re captains of spaceships) I would probably die of happiness, but it is absolutely not required.

Star Trek: Discovery

My favourite thing about Disco was the science, which puts me in a little niche, I know. But basically I’m all about people being good at what they do, about people learning how to see and to respect one another’s skills and competence. In space! Show me some scenes with these characters working together to solve problems and learning from one another. Bonus points if there’s a time loop, because that episode was a damn masterpiece.

OH MY GOD, author, I don’t know if you’re up to date, but the big reveals of the mid-season return have BLOWN MY MIND and I would adore something from this part of the season. I’ve included some ideas under “Mirror prompts”. 

Michael Burnham & Paul Stamets: Science bros! I love dynamics in which prickly professional distrust turns into mutual respect and admiration, and these two fit the bill perfectly. Possible prompts: moments in which they’ve realised they’ve misjudged the other; geeking out about science together

Michael Burnham & Saru: I find their relationship fascinating. It’s always been prickly, filled with jealously and competition and distrust. But there’s a genuine sense of care in there too. I’d particularly like to see something more positive between the two of them, a moment of forgiveness or healing (not complete of course, it’s not that simple, but a step on the road). Possible prompts: a rescue scenario; a shared moment of empathy (particularly for non-human life - I love Burnham’s empathy for the Tardigrade and Saru’s for the Pahvans) 

Michael Burnham & Sylvia Tilly: I really love the development of their friendship, from awkward and prickly to a genuine sense of respect and mentorship. Possible prompts: Tilly teaching Burnham something (a hobby or a game, perhaps); a future story in which Tilly makes captain. Mirror prompts: a showdown between captains!

Sylvia Tilly & Paul Stamets: Another dynamic I love! Like Burnham and Stamets, I love prickly professional relationships that hide a stronger sense of care.  Prompts: Stamets defends Tilly against a third party; general science geekery; a discovering a shared passion or hobby.  Mirror prompts: a hurt/comfort scenario

Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets: God bless Disco for giving us such a strong queer relationship. I love their gentle bickering, I love their mutual respect, I adore queer love in space! Possible prompts: an off-ship date (or an on-ship one); Stamets trying to set up the best possible date within a time-loop; talking while dancing. Mirror prompts: break my heart, dear author.

Gabriel Lorca & Ash Tyler: I really loved their dynamic while fighting their way out of the Klingon ship, and I’d love to see some more action scenes with them. Possible prompts: competition in the battle simulator; a regular shared workout; they get stuck in a lift and have to break their way out.

Sylvia Tilly & Ash Tyler: I love how Tilly’s natural openness and empathy meets Tyler’s reserve. I like friendships with a talkative and taciturn pair! I feel they have a lot of common ground between them, such as their shared sense of doubt and inadequacy. Possible prompts: doing laps of the Discovery together; party planning (possibly a surprise for Burnham); a regular shared meal date. Mirror prompts: shared fears over becoming the enemy (argh, this show is going to BREAK MY HEART)

A note on Tyler: references to his PTSD are fine if they fit into the story naturally, but please keep the details vague, and no reference to rape.

Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

Amilyn Holdo & Leia Organa; Amilyn Holdo/Leia Organa: That exchange between the two of them (“May the Force be with you, always”) made me think that this is something they’ve said to one another many times before. Show me one of these times - maybe a daring mission, maybe a formal farewell, maybe a quiet moment.

Leia Organa & Luke Skywalker: There is nothing quite as unconditional as the relationship between twins, and I don’t think the films do enough with it. I’d love to see something that explores this further, particularly in their later years. 

Paige Tico & Rose Tico: Again, I adore strong sibling relationships. Show me how these two relate to one another as sisters - all the love and jealousy and bickering and utter devotion that goes with the territory. I’d prefer if this wasn’t a fix-it - I’m happy for it to be a bit bittersweet and sad. Possible prompts: Paige teasing Rose about her hero-worship of the young pin-ups of the Resistance;  shared love of animals; quiet midnight conversations

Poe Dameron/Finn: Honestly, I just want the tropiest, most romantic thing you can throw at me. Fake dating? There’s only one bed what do? Holy shit you look hot in that outfit? A now or never kiss? Mutual pining-happy ending? Go wild, dear author.

Poe Dameron/Finn/Rey; Poe Dameron/Finn/Rey/Rose: The dream teams! There is so much potential with these pairings, and the films will never follow through because cinema is allergic to polyamory. I don't mind how you choose to interpret the dynamics of the poly relationship, but I'd prefer if sex wasn't the focus. Possible prompts: a card game; solving a problem that involves each of their individual strengths

Horizon Zero Dawn

Aloy/Talanah: I LOVE THIS SHIP. Show me these two badass women being awesome together. Maybe how they reform the politics of the Hunters Lodge, or Aloy taking Talanah with her to meet the Nora, or anything from a wild hunt adventure to a quieter moment between them.

Aloy/Vanasha; Aloy & Vanasha: "I don't think I know you at all. But I'd like to." Aaaand I screamed and backflipped out the window. I am a sucker for spies and intrigue and politics, and for relationships that develop with two people dancing around one another and trying to see through each other's performative surfaces. This pairing has so much potential. Possible prompts include: undercover as lovers (!!!), a masked encounter, talking while dancing.

Aloy & Erend: Aloy and Erend's friendship ended up being surprisingly moving - although I see it as strictly platonic. Show me some lighter moments with the two of them - maybe they get drunk together, maybe Erend finally shows her around Meridian, maybe Aloy takes Erend back to her homeland.

Aloy & Rost: Oh, these two broke my heart. I'd like to see some exploration of their dynamic when Aloy is older (i.e. around the time of the game), rather than a child Aloy. This could be set post-game - maybe one of Aloy's visits to his grave - but I would also be 100% happy with a fix-it if that's where your muse takes you.

Aloy/Nil: This is my trash ship and I kind of hate myself for being into it, but oh boy am I into it. Possible prompts include: they have a standing date once or twice a year; a prison break; continually encountering one another while on missions/travelling.