#i know a couple of you followed me for this story

[kwondotcom]

hana— in our first ever conversation, i divulged to you that i've thought of elevatory at least once a week since i first read it. the reason why it took me a bit of time to do a proper rb is because i had annotated it on my second read, needed to take a min to breathe, and ended up only revisiting it now while clearing drafts/my tbr. so, here it is now on read #3!!! THIS WILL NOT BE THE LAST READ (THREAT)

tl;dr one of my favorite pieces of soonyoung writing. the premise in itself is probably the most unique i've seen in a long time, and it just drives me so insane to see such a well-done exes plot. spoilers under the cut. <3

WHAT A KILLER FIRST LINE. an actual art form, really, to have u hook line and sinker in the first sentence!

knew as early as this part that i'd be in for a wild ride. it's very telling of a post-break up sentiment, and it's a stellar set up for the MC's mindset.

there's a lot to love here. the touch of "nine now, but who's counting", the call back of "God hates you" and just. soonyoung's trying to make the most of it. oomf. because of course kwon soony would jump at this opportunity, would try to make small talk w/someone he's been no contact with. it's just his style, and it leads in well to the rest of the story. the next paragraph is actual pure gold: "- sad puppy, you've nicknamed it," following the description of soony as an open book. vicious and accurate read. goes really well with the descriptiveness of this:

(aha. i'm on to you, MC. you can say what you want, but at the end of the day, you can still read him. you still know him.)

i'm more than a little obsessed at a tactless soony + jeonghan, of course, inadvertently being the one at the crime scene.

the first part is already a punch in the gut in itself— the acknowledgement of their differences, serving as a bit of a gravity that explains how the two have acted so far. think the wrong side of magnets clinking against e/o lol. but what amazes me is how hana manages to manifest is a couple of sentences later. soony who winces, who is still obviously pained by his ala-taylor swift the moment i knew moment (i don't even want to think too much of the forgotten birthday scene or i will cry) vs. mc who's 'not sure why [you're] trying to reassure him'.

i said i don't want of the birthday flashback, but it must be said. this fucking line? shot to the chest and i'm in love with the shooter (hana). sighs.

[CAR CRASH] [GLASS SHATTERING] [EXPLOSION] “OH MY GOD” [BABY CRYING] “WAAAHH WAHH” [YELLING] “HELP MEE” [POLICE SIRENS] WEE WOO WEE WOEOO [YELLING] [HELICOPTERS] ‘WE’RE REPORTING LIVE-‘ [EXPLOSION] ‘MY LEG… MY LEG!!’ [BABY CRYING] “AHFUCKK SOMEONE HELP US” [REPORTER REPORTING] oh, this got got me. something about the intimacy of a name, so deceptively simple, and soony feeling the weight of the moment :") man.

this is my favorite flashback scene (and the eventual conclusion 'tried so hard/neither of you tried hard enough) for a lot of reasons. on one hand, there's something my friends and i call the burden of knowledge, which is something i feel jeonghan is vouchsafed in this scene. he's the one who hears out why MC wants to break up with soony, who talks her through it. "little things add up." my god, what a simple truth. part of why i adore elevatory so much— aside from being a study of form, an entire story told in a one-act that no one else besides hana could pull off— is because of the way it aches. it doesn't cut, like some stories might. it doesn't scar. it's just... a dull, familiar sort of throb. like a phantom pain. i think that's the best way to put it. cuts scab over. scars heal. but aches are forever, and this is exactly what that fic does. some old forgotten breakup, some bitterness at the circumstances, some truths packaged in a kwon soonyoung fanfic that remind you right, my pain of that-time-we-don't-talk-about is somewhat universal. it's comforting, in the same way that it's damning, to realize that there are people who know y/our pain that same way. to read it back, though— to have it glaring up at you— is just. a one-of-a-kind experience.

the lead-in to the breakup is devastating, because it really is that, sometimes. you realize love in the tender mundane, which means you can also loss love on a random weekday. "... after realising you had no idea where he kept his cereal bowls" is just an absolute gut-punch. like, ah. this is a life we're supposed to be sharing, a small fact i would know if it weren't for all the distance and time apart (what kind of girlfriend doesn't know where their boyfriend keeps their cereal bowls?!) and it just. little things, as jeonghan had said. also: something so cruel in the breakup starting, and consisting, of MC just saying soonyoung. this, after present-day soony is jolted when MC says his name? yeah. abso-fucking-lutely brutal, man.

won't even try to act like i can be coherent about this when i started crying actual tears the first time i read this passage. even now, my eyes are skipping over the words in an attempt to guard my heart against that impending pain. like, hey, hana. what the fuck! reminds me of a poem, which i'm attaching here. "but i remember our kindness that day, / when it longer mattered."

i can tell you exactly when i first read this (second week of january -ish) and when i read it a second time (earlier this month; the aborted annotation attempt), and i just wish you could've seen the look on my fucking face/the gasp i gusped when it ended with this. i rate about it a lot already in this little post, but it bears repeating: pulling off a one-act/one-setting piece is no easy feat, and you do it with such finesse. the un-chronological order of the flashbacks, the glimpses of their present selves and how they've changed/how they're still like their past versions, and this ending. absolutely bowls me over. hana, you have talent that bursts at the seams. elevatory is living, breathing proof.

You were once deeply and irrevocably in love with Kwon Soonyoung, and it’s incredibly hard to avoid that fact when he works literally two offices down from you. It’s even harder to avoid when you’re stuck in a broken elevator with him for hours, and he seems determined to dissect everything that went wrong three years ago.

⇢ pairing: kwon soonyoung x f!reader

⇢ genre: angst, fluff, exes!au, lawyer!au

⇢ wc: 5.6k

⇢ warnings: minor alcohol consumption, lots of flashbacks

⇢ a/n: early happy new year!! this is my gift to u all <3 thank u to @haologram for hosting this collab and for just being alive. and thank you SOO much to ally @lovetaroandtaemin and em @gyuswhore for beta'ing i appreciate u both endlessly 💗

as part of the don’t hate, litigate! collab hosted by the wonderful @haologram

SOMETIMES IT TRULY feels like God, or the stars in your skies, or whatever the hell is controlling your fate down on this measly earth, hates you.

Sometimes it truly feels like this indefinite being is determined to deal you the worst set of cards, and this – this trumps all. Being stuck in an elevator with your ex-boyfriend sounds like the beginning of a shitty romcom, except it’s not. It’s your life, and it’s been your life for the past eight minutes, since the metal box you stepped in ground to a creaky, noisy halt halfway between the sixth and seventh floor. 

And it takes eight minutes before Soonyoung sighs resignedly. “Are you just going to ignore me forever?” 

Forever, you think, is your least favourite word. There were a lot of things you thought you’d have forever, and one of them is standing right next to you.

You swallow thickly. Your reply comes measured and clipped. “For as long as possible.”

When he speaks next, you can hear the attempt at a forced smile in his tone. “Well, you kinda just failed.”

You stay silent. If anyone had told you five years ago that Kwon Soonyoung would be begging to talk to you and you’d be ignoring him, you would have called them crazy; and yet, here you are. Ignoring him like your sanity depends on it, because actually, it does. So for the past eight minutes – nine now, but who’s counting? – you’ve barely spoken a word. You’re both stuck; the recovery team can’t make it for two hours at least; and God hates you, basically.

Soonyoung’s trying to make the most of it, and you’re not letting him.

He says your name, ever so softly. “Really, though. How – how have you been?”

It’s weird, going from years of no contact to working together. It’s been a year since Soonyoung joined your company, but it hasn’t become any easier. Not when he’s such an open book, so fucking easy for you to read. Every time you cross paths, he gets this look in his eyes – sad puppy, you’ve nicknamed it. Now is no different.

“I’ve been okay,” you say finally, stiltedly. You’ve never been able to resist that face, and you’re pretty sure he knows it too. “What about you?”

The silence is painful, but the way he says fine stings a little bit more. You know when he’s lying, and he never used to do that to you.

“So…” He shifts his weight awkwardly, huffing out an uncomfortable laugh as he gazes intently at his shoes. “This is weird, right?”

You match him with an equally uncomfortable smile. “The weirdest.”

“Our longest conversation after forever,” he says. “But I wasn’t expecting it to go like this.”

You cock your head to the side, fixing him with a questioning gaze. All hopes of ignoring him are sailing out the hypothetical window. “How were you expecting it to go?”

Soonyoung looks up at you with one of those embarrassed, endearing smiles. “Better.”

There’s a pregnant pause, and then – “You know, Jeonghan calls you the one that got away.” 

He’s always had a habit of dropping things like that on you; things that leave you a little winded.

“That makes it sound like I escaped,” you say, with an ease you don’t feel.

Clearly, Soonyoung doesn’t feel it either — he exhales heavily. “Maybe you did. Escape, I mean.”

You snap your head towards him, eyes almost owlish in your surprise; “You’re not serious.” When he doesn’t say anything, you continue haphazardly, “Soonyoung, that’s not — there wasn’t anything to escape from.” 

Your ex-boyfriend looks miserable. Avoids eye contact, staring fixedly at his shoes with a dejected expression he can’t properly disguise; even throughout the three years of your relationship, you rarely saw him like this. He looks…

Heartbroken, your mind suggests.

“I’m serious,” you insist again, pushing the thought out of your mind. “You weren’t a bad boyfriend, Soonyoung.”

He snorts then. “Okay, we both know that isn’t true.”

“It is!” 

“If we had, like, a counter of who fucked up however many times, I would leave you in the dust.”

You don’t know how to tell him this might even be half of it. This weird pedestal he puts you on – it’s not even guilt-tripping. You’ve seen that, but never from him; Soonyoung just truly, sincerely feels bad. Whenever you look back on your relationship, which is more often than you’d care to admit, it’s plain as day. He truly, sincerely feels that he has never deserved you. Like you’re something out of this world, out of his world. 

“Wow.” Soonyoung huffs out the one word, and it’s half a laugh, half admiration. “You are so out of my league.”

“Stop,” you whine, pushing his shoulder lightly. “Don’t say stupid things like that.”

“Well, not everyone gets to date the prettiest girl in law school,” he retorts quickly, lifting his brows. “Not sure why I of all people get to, but thank you.”

“Stop it,” you repeat, rolling your eyes and fixing the tie he’s wearing. “You’re gorgeous and you know it. You should know it, at least.”

“Not just that!” he protests quickly. “I just mean… you’re so smart. And good. And kind, and funny, and — ”

“Ah, yes! Of course, Kwon Soonyoung, known famously for being mean and horrible and extremely unfunny,” you say sarcastically, before tugging his tie and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “I choose my league, and you’re the only one in it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he murmurs, slightly breathless.

“Oh, shut up and kiss me.”

There were a lot of things that went wrong with you and Soonyoung. You’d started off wonderful: both of you bright, flaming, drawn to each other like magnets. You managed the stresses of law school, graduated together, and lined up jobs – jobs that were miles and miles from each other.`

There were lots of things that went wrong with you and Soonyoung, but if you had to pick one, it would be long distance.

“When did we stop trying?”

The question makes you snort. “What, you want a date and a time?”

Soonyoung smiles ruefully, but there’s nothing happy about it. It’s more of a painful grimace. That’s always been the way with you both: you deflect, he feels. He doesn’t hide the way you do, not from anyone. And for a few years, he was the only one who you didn’t hide from. 

Maybe that’s what has you opening your mouth again. “I could probably give you one. A date, I mean.”

Soonyoung hugs his knees to his chest, eyes searching your face. You can read him so well it physically makes you ache. The hint of uncertainty in his eyes, the twitching of his fingers – he’s nervous. He’s torn between wanting to know what you have to say and the strong sneaking premonition that it might hurt. “Go on,” he says finally, just as you knew he would. 

Honestly, you don’t have an exact date. Things fell apart slowly, and then all at once. A toppling tower – leaning, leaning, leaning, until it crashed. 

“There were probably a few things,” you say, softly. “My birthday, for a start.”

He winces reflexively. “That…” he begins, and then breathes out, shutting his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make up for that.”

“I mean, in the end, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” You’re not sure why you’re trying to reassure him, even if it's true. You forgave him almost immediately.

“Shit.” 

Soonyoung’s first eloquent word when he walks into the apartment only means you become sure of what you already suspected. He takes in the half-eaten cake on the table, candles blown out and tossed to the side, the scraps of wrapping paper littering the floor, the cards; you take in his face. And you know, as quick and as simple as that – he forgot. 

Some small part of you had been holding a sneaking hope that maybe this was just an elaborate attempt at a surprise. You’d told him once, months and months ago, that you didn’t think ignoring people on their birthday to surprise them later was a very nice thing to do. But you’d rather he forgot that than your entire birthday.

His eyes meet yours, both of you frozen to your places. Him at the doorway, you at the table. The distance between you isn’t more than a few metres, but suddenly it feels like an engulfing abyss. Still, even from the other side, you can feel the guilt pouring out of him. 

“Shit,” he says again, before rushing his words out. “Shit, baby, I’m so sorry.”

You haven’t cried all day. You haven’t let yourself, but this has your eyes brimming over before you can control it.

“I’m going to bed,” you say finally, hugging yourself tightly, making yourself smaller. The apartment is warm, but you suddenly feel freezing. And despite your best efforts, there’s a waver in your voice, verging on a crack. “I’m tired.” 

You glance over the remains of your birthday party, one that you plastered a fake, painful smile on the whole way through, and then you turn to leave. 

“Baby, wait,” he implores quickly, and takes a step towards you — you mirror it immediately with a step back, and it makes him pause, his expression falling even further. “Baby.”

“You’re not allowed to call me that.” Your voice is obviously shaking now. “Not today. Maybe — maybe tomorrow.”

Maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to hear his excuses, his promises, but today, you’re allowed to be upset. You’ll let yourself have today, at the very least.

He’d driven hours to see you that day, but he’d still forgotten why he was there. You hadn’t really celebrated your birthday before you met him. Soonyoung was the one who made it a big deal, back when you first started dating, and even now, there’s a sharp pang in your chest when you remember how hurt you were that day.

“You made up for it tenfold,” you remind him now, because it’s true. He made the rest of the week practically a utopia, once you banned him from apologising. And he’d been so busy at work, so incredibly tired the whole month before, and you could understand. Both that he upset you, and that it was an innocent mistake. And you’ve never seen more sincere apologies than those that came from Soonyoung.

He looks grim, shakes his head, but doesn’t say any more. Probably because you’ve had this conversation a few times already, both of you too stubborn to give in. 

“Keep going,” he says, then, looking at you head on. “What else?”

All of a sudden, you don’t want to talk about what else. All of a sudden, you’re annoyed with him, his stupid face, this stupid elevator. “Do we have to do this?” Your voice has switched from somewhat reassuring to harsh – for want of a better word, angry. It makes his brown eyes a little round with surprise, his mouth parting a little.

“What?”

“What else and what if have been on my mind for three years, Soonyoung,” you say acidly. “Forgive me if I don’t really want to talk about it to your face.”

Again, his mouth opens a little bit, stays open as he tries to form words. Until he gives up, seals his lips and nods. “Alright. Okay. That’s fine.”

“I know it’s fine!” you cry out, only more angry that he won’t argue back. You’re lawyers, it’s what you do. And just to be petty, you add — “Besides, I bet your girlfriend wouldn’t be happy about this anyway.”

Finally, his passive poker face drops, and he looks a little confused. “My what?”

Immediately, you regret opening your mouth, but it’s too late to back down. “Your girlfriend. You know, that girl from accounting.”

“The girl fr— You mean Rachel?” Soonyoung gapes at you, and something in you bridles, until he continues. “Mrs Choi, who's married to her wife and adopting a kid next year?”

Well, now you feel stupid as fuck.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he continues, and if you weren’t afraid to look at him right now, you’d swear he was hiding a smirk.

“Whatever. I don’t care. Why are we even talking about this?” you snap, irritated and embarrassed.

He still sounds smug. “You brought it up.”

“You sit with her every lunch hour,” you mutter, heat creeping up your neck. “I just assumed.”

“Well, there’s nothing there. So don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried! I don’t care who you date, Soonyoung!”

He looks a little taken aback, blinking once or twice, cockiness gone without a trace. “Wow,” he says, finally. If you didn’t know him as well as you did, you wouldn’t notice the slight tremble in his voice. “That’s the first time you’ve said my name since — ”

He cuts himself off, but you complete the sentence in your head — three years ago. Three years since you packed up and walked out of his life. It feels like a decade ago; it feels like last week. You’d been so sure that you wouldn’t see his face again after that, that it was a decided end of a full four years of your life. Until last year, when he’d waltzed straight back into your life, this time at your workplace.

“This is the new hire.” Your boss is speaking, but you’re still finishing up the last sentence on the document you’re working on, and you listen absently as he fires a couple instructions — “Jeon, you’ll show him around. Filing system, get him logged on, the works.”

You look up then, to cast Wonwoo a knowing smile, because he always gets lumped with showing around the newbies, but halfway to making eye contact with your friend, you catch the familiar tilt of a jaw, the soft lines of a nose you know so well.

You’ve seen Soonyoung in a hundred people since you left him. You’re always looking over your shoulder at the bus stop, at the grocery store, at the library, finding a tiny piece of him in everyone and everything, a tiny piece that lodges itself tight and sharp into your throat until you take a second look, until you see unfamiliar eyes or too dark hair or shorter legs. Until you find something to make you swallow, exhale, and keep walking.

Now, your second look doesn’t yield anything unfamiliar. Except maybe his hair, gone from blonde to black, but everything else — everything else. It’s him, and he looks just as shocked to see you as you are to see him. There’s a heavy moment that seems only heavy to the two of you, everyone else still talking, the boss still giving instructions, but you and Soonyoung are looking at each other, dumbfounded, and all you can think about is the distinct taste of bile in your throat and the tie he’s wearing is the one you got him for his birthday.

Your initial plan is to avoid him. He foils that plan within two hours, cornering you in the break room, whispering urgently, “I had no idea you worked here, I swear I’m not, like, following you or – ”

The thought hadn’t even crossed your mind, and you just pin him with a blank stare. 

“I could quit.”

You’re shaking your head before he can even finish the sentence. “I’m not so butthurt that I can’t be a professional.”

“Right,” Soonyoung nods, breathing out a little. His lips are chapped. He never used to wear lip balm, just used to borrow yours. You hate yourself a little for remembering that.

The memory almost makes your lips twist with an sardonic smile. “I was so pissed when you showed up here.”

You can see his half smile, rueful and charming, through your peripheral vision. “I felt so bad about it, you know. But you just seemed annoyed when I saw you in the break room, so I figured you weren’t… mad or upset or anything.”

“I went straight from the break room to cry in the bathroom for fifteen minutes,” you admit truthfully. “I had to tell Wonwoo I had curry for breakfast.”

“You cried?”

You scowl. “I’m not saying it to be pitied, Soonyoung. I’m just saying, I’m not, like, some heartless jerk with no feelings. Of course I was upset.”

“I know that,” he says quickly, vehemently. “Of course I know that.” He hesitates, and then continues, words practically inching out of him. “It’s not really my place to ask, but… you and Wonwoo… are you guys…?”

“You’re right,” you say, and press your cheek onto your knees to fix him with your eyes. “It’s not your business. But that’d be hypocritical of me, so… no. No, we’re just friends. I’m friends with his girlfriend too, Cam, she works at the plant shop down the road.”

Soonyoung tilts his head back, lets out one of those breathy laughs that aren’t really laughs. “It’s so weird that you have new friends now.”

“Thanks,” you say, dripping with sarcasm.

“Not like that! I just mean I’m so used to – like, it used to be our friends, you know what I mean?”

“Not since three years ago,” you say with false lightness, because when you lost Soonyoung, you lost the friends he brought you too. You catch the glint of pity in his eyes again, and scoff. “It’s not a big deal. They were your friends first.”

Frowning, he speaks again. “First doesn’t matter. It didn’t matter to them either. Seungkwan said you were the one who stopped answering their calls.”

It’s true, and the feeling still burns a little, because Seungkwan and Jeonghan had called so many times. Even Vernon called a couple times, and you weren’t even that close to him, but Soonyoung has always attracted good people. Like calls to like. Maybe that’s why you ended up leaving.

“I was trying to make it easier,” you say bluntly., “for them to choose you.”

Your ex-boyfriend clicks his tongue, rakes a hand through his dark hair. “It’s not about sides, ___, for fuck’s sake.”

“Well, it felt like it at the time, alright?” Your words come out louder than you mean them to, and you pause, trying to quell your defensiveness. 

Soonyoung raises his hands in half-hearted surrender. “Alright. Alright.”

Something in your stomach feels acidic. Leaning your head back against the cool wall of the elevator, you manage to meet his eyes apologetically. “How – how are they, though? Seungkwan and everyone?”

Graciously, he ignores your quick show of temper. “They’re good. Seungkwan’s working freelance photography now. Jeonghan still hates his job, but keeps getting promoted anyway.”

Jeonghan. You told him you thought you were going to break up before you even told Soonyoung. You wonder if he remembers it, because that night is seared into your memory – New Year’s Eve, three years ago.

You’re much drunker than you ever intended to be when you finally find a place to sit in the cramped apartment, waved over by a sympathetic looking Jeonghan. He pats your head affectionately as you groan. 

“Feeling alright?”

“No,” you say elaborately.

Jeonghan never pries, which is probably what makes people tell him everything. He only raises his eyebrows at you, a hint of scepticism toying with his smile.

You look away, eyes drawn immediately to your boyfriend, laughing in the middle of the kitchen. Throwing his head back, squeezing his eyes shut, looking so fucking happy; when you see him like this, your heart always feels so incredibly warm and so incredibly full. 

Except today, there’s something else intertwining it, something similar to dread, and it causes the faint smile on your face to fade a little.

Jeonghan sees it, of course, and when you look back at him, his eyebrows only raise higher. 

You sink further into that horrible, looming feeling. “Jeonghan.”

“___.”

“I think I’m going to break up with him this year.”

If you didn’t know Jeonghan as well as you do, you’d think the information hadn’t affected him at all; his features remain completely impassive, but you catch the flash of surprise in his eyes. He stays quiet for a long time, the silence between you filled with thumping bass and indistinct conversation, until finally, he asks the only question there is to ask. “Why?”

It’s ridiculous, how one word can bring you to the verge of tears. But that one word holds so much weight – why would you break up with him? Why would you, when you’ve pictured a future with him a thousand times over? 

Why would you leave the best thing that ever happened to you?

You blink back the tears, and Jeonghan waits.

His voice is soft, but you still hear him under the din of the party. “Is this about your birthday?”

You shake your head quickly. “No.” You stop. “Maybe. It’s – there’s just – little stupid things.”

“Little things add up,” Jeonghan says gently. You hate how he’s already understanding.

“Sometimes – ” You swallow thickly. “Sometimes I just feel so far away from him.”

You don’t have to explain that you don’t mean physically. Because that’s part of it, but it’s not all of it, but without you saying that, Jeonghan knows. You barely notice when he takes your plastic red cup from your hands, setting it on the table next to him. “And I know he loves me, and he’d never hurt me on purpose, and – he’s been so good to me, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan only hums, waits for you to continue. And you do, the alcohol only pushing more words out of your mouth. “The distance,” you say, “is killing us.” You rub furiously at your eyes. “No matter how hard we try, Jeonghan, it’s not working, and I feel like – I’m the only one who can see that. He’s ignoring it, but we can’t keep going like this.”

Jeonghan hesitates for a second, looking torn, more torn than you’ve ever seen him look. “Do you still love him?”

Tears blur your vision again, but don’t quite escape this time. “I don’t know how to stop.”

When you kiss Soonyoung after the countdown, your cheeks are wet.

“Long distance.”

“What?”

“You asked what else,” you say, picking at your nails. “I think it was the distance. I think that’s what – you know. Broke us up.”

Soonyoung has that look in his eyes, the one where he wants to argue but knows he’s going to lose, knows that you’re right. He breathes out, licks his lips and tries to speak. “We tried so hard.”

It’s not even a counter-argument. You agree with him, even. The two of you were brilliant at long distance, until you weren’t. Hours-long video calls, surprise weekend visits, staying over for the holidays, until it all started collapsing. Weekly movie nights kept getting postponed. Visits had to decrease in number. You were missing each other’s calls – if one of you wasn’t working late, the other always was. It was like the entire universe was working against you both, and suddenly, you felt like a burden rather than a lover, and Soonyoung would probably say the same. It’s hard not to feel that way, when you’re celebrating your anniversary over FaceTime and both of you keep dozing off while the other talks.

In a way, Soonyoung is right: you both tried so hard. In a way, he’s so wrong: neither of you tried hard enough.

Towards the end of it all, you were too tired to fight. Both of you were. The breakup was a quiet affair, mostly. You brought it up first, standing in the kitchen of Soonyoung’s apartment after realising you had no idea where he kept his cereal bowls.

“Soonyoung?”

“Babe, I told you, it’s the third cupboard from the left,” he calls, but he’s rounding the corner to his kitchen anyway. He stops in his tracks when he sees your face, smile fading, and for a second, time freezes.

“Soonyoung,” you say again, quieter.

And he knows. “Don’t,” he says, faintly, but there’s no weight behind it, because he knows.

Tears are already brimming your eyes, and you’re wrapping your arms around yourself, shaking your head. “I can’t,” you say, and you’re not sure what you mean. I can’t end it. I can’t keep going.

The picture before him is enough for Soonyoung, and any defence, any fight he still had in him (because he’s always been the more tenacious) drains. He gives in, same as you. 

“Okay,” he says, in a voice that’ll haunt you for years to come, a clashing harmony of gentle and damning. “Okay.”

You try to formulate words. You fail. All that you can say is “Soonyoung.” before you trail off. 

You don’t finish. He gives you a tired, forced smile, says something about, “We had a good run, didn’t we?”, but you’re too busy trying to wrench the tears back into your eyes to focus properly. Your efforts are in vain, of course, tears slipping down your cheeks hot and heavy, no matter how much you try to stop.

“I’m sorry,” you say tearfully, but he shakes his head.

“Don’t be sorry.”

After that, he only helps you load your bags into your car and says thank you when you give him the house keys. He does everything so quietly, so methodically, so defeatedly. It’s like he’s just lost a war he’s been fighting for far too long.

It turns out that in the end, four years can be reduced down to this: two cardboard boxes, three bin bags, and two broken hearts.

It’s your fault, in technical terms. You finished this. You’re the one who said the words, or almost said them, the one who spelled out what was so obviously ignored. More than once, because you’d tried this before, six months ago. Soonyoung was the one who fought back. He’d said no, of course, that first time. He’d said no with tears in his eyes, like it was a surprise to him, like he couldn’t see it the way you saw it — that you were on two very different paths. 

Soonyoung didn’t believe in following diverging paths, he believed in forcing yourself straight ahead hand-in-hand, come hell or high water. He believed in it, until he didn’t, and then he let you go.

When it’s time for you to leave, he accepts the hug you can’t help but fling on him just before you step in the car. Both of your arms around each other, fitting into place like you have a hundred times before, but so much tighter and so much briefer this time. Soonyoung clings to you like he’s never going to see you again, because he isn’t. You cling to him like this is the last time you’ll ever hug him, because it is.

And then both of you are pulling away, laughing awkwardly at the wet patch you’ve left on his shirt, and then you’re getting in your car and he’s waving you off and it’s over, just like that.

“It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it?” There’s an acerbic quality to Soonyoung’s laugh as he continues. “We broke up because of distance, and here we fucking are.”

There’s a metre and a half between you two.

“Maybe it was a dumb reason,” you say. Voicing the thought that’s tormented you since the day you drove away. Because maybe it was stupid. Maybe it was a temporary rough patch, and if you’d stayed, if you’d fought a little more and a little longer, you’d still have Soonyoung.

But you didn’t, and you don’t.

There’s a heavy expression on Soonyoung’s face, a strange mix of anger and confusion and guilt. “Maybe,” he says, at last. There’s the vaguest trace of bitterness, the little tiny sting that reminds you again that you’re the one who called it quits. 

“It felt like the weight of the world at the time,” you say ashamedly, squeezing your eyes shut for a second.

Soonyoung takes the chance and scoots closer to you, sitting against the wall with you, shoulder-to-shoulder. (How easy it would be to just rest your head there, as you’ve done a thousand times before.) “It can’t have been easy,” he says, patting your hand with his own. Warm and familiar in its unfamiliarity, which is when you realise you’ve misread him, for once – he’s not bitter. He’s empathetic.

“It wasn’t stupid,” Soonyoung continues softly, rubbing his eyes, “but God, I wish you’d just talked to me. Actually — I wish we’d talked to each other.”

“Yes, well,” you say dryly, wondering if he’s going to catch your reference, “I’ve always had a problem with communication.”

He catches it; it makes him pause, lift up his head, give you a tiny smile.

It takes you a minute to register that the seat across from you has been occupied. When you do look up, you realise Soonyoung’s mouth has been moving since he sat down, and you haven’t heard a word of it. Also, somewhere between the class you guys shared two days ago and his presence in the library this morning, his hair’s gone from a discreet dark brown to a particularly indiscreet blond.

“I’m sorry,” you shake your head, taking out your earphones and setting down your pen. “What?”

“I said – do you have a problem with communication or something?” Despite the nature of his words, he’s practically beaming at you.

You blink at him, bewildered. “I mean… maybe? But — what?”

He holds up his phone. “Project,” he explains elaborately. “I’ve been texting, and I didn’t get a reply, and then I saw you over here, so I thought I’d ask.”

You frown, grabbing your phone. “I didn’t get any texts.”

Soonyoung mirrors your expression, tapping at his screen, and you’re struck by how much the blond suits him. As did the brown. As did the black he had a semester ago. Not that you’ve been keeping track, but it’s hard to not notice someone like Soonyoung. Even if the first time you talked to him was two days ago to organise the project you’ve been paired up for — you know him. Of him, at least.

He swivels his screen round to face you, showing you a contact with your name and what you quickly realise is almost your number. You smile a little awkwardly, tapping the last digit. “That’s meant to be a seven. You’ve got an eight.”

“Fuck,” he exhales, “that explains it. Who the hell have I been texting about litigation then?”

Something about his expression and his tone is so comical it makes you laugh, which surprises him a little – he glances up at you with a blatantly admiring smile, and he taps the edge of the desk. “Your eyes light up when you laugh, did you know?” And as quickly as he says it, he moves on, gesturing to your phone. “I’ll text you about the project, okay?”

He’s like a hurricane, and you’re trying your best to keep up. “Okay,” you agree confusedly, still hot-faced from the sudden compliment. “Yes. That’s — yes.”

As he gets up to leave again, he shoots you another one of those blinding, dazzling smiles, and sticks his hand out. “We’re friends now, right?”

His question sounds childishly sweet, and you can’t find it in yourself to do anything other than agree. 

Your one little reference sets you both off. You spend the next two hours talking and talking and talking, every other sentence beginning with “Remember when…”, as the two of you dredge up the long-buried memories of four long years spent together.

Soonyoung talks about the massive crush he had on you before you even got paired up for the project. You talk about how you never believed him, even when he did ask you out – it took three tries before you understood how serious he was. And then you remember the time Soonyoung sprinted from campus to his accommodation and back just to get you the calculator you forgot for your exam – and the time you both went to a frat party and ended up playing the most intense game of UNO in the bathroom with Vernon, which ended in a drunk Soonyoung trying to flush the cards down the toilet. 

He talks about the surprise party you threw for his birthday, and you talk about the time he tried to make you pancakes for National Girlfriend Day and failed horribly. You ate them anyway.

You don’t, however, talk about other things, even if you remember them. You remember Soonyoung kissing your forehead every morning he woke up next to you. You remember him buying your favourite flowers for your favourite vase every week. You remember coming home after a long day to food already delivered and paid for when he was working hours and hours away. You remember being so incredibly in love that it made you giddy and so in love it made you calm. And you don’t talk about it, just store it away somewhere as a reminder of what love is meant to feel like. If four years with Soonyoung brought you anything, it’s that: it taught you how to love and be loved.

When the recovery team finally arrives, you leave the elevator feeling like a new person. It doesn’t hurt when you look at Soonyoung anymore, there’s only a vague, warm fondness. And he can look you in the eye now, which he does. He smiles at you, sticks out his hand the same way he did all those years ago.

“We’re friends now, right?”

an / AHHH!!!!!! i know this fic is only like 5k but it took a lot out of me so i’d love to hear your thoughts. literally any thoughts. i wanted this fic to be longer but it happened this way and. what can i do. i may be the author but im NOT in control. it’s not a fic i’m 100% proud of but i think it’ll still hold a special place in my heart!!!! i love an angsty exes au.

anyway — this will be my last fic this year!!! see you all in 2025 and thank you so much for all the notes and all the reblogs and all the wonderful conversations this year i love you

perm taglist: @n4mj00nvq @eoieopda @som1ig @glowunderthemoon

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[m-jelly]

hi jelly you don't have to do this if you don't want to, i just love all your levi fics soooo much!!!

can i request a smutty levi x fem reader in canon (she's a scout) where they're already in a relationship...and levi is a bit obsessed with her boobs? He is always pawing at her breasts, playing with them with his hands through her bra or shirt, suckling on them...during sexual moments he does that and sometimes he just plays and bounces them and sucks them casually in a non-sexual setting just for fun too...You can take the story line in whatever direction you please, as short scenarios with cuts, or continuous with plot, completely your choice!

Soft and squishy

Levi x fem reader

Canon world, being a couple, reader's chest is on the larger side, breast play, smut aspects.

Levi adores your chest so much, he just can't help himself and you love him touching it.

Had your straps gotten tighter? Was your shirt smaller than normal? Was your bra the wrong size? Whatever it was, Levi loved it. Your plump and big bouncing breasts were more incredible than ever, it seemed impossible for that to happen, but here Levi was eyeing your chest.

He slammed his fist against the wall making the cadets jump, it was so he could curb his desires for you. He clenched his jaw when you started jogging with your cadets, everything was bouncing and he just wanted to shove his face into your chest and bite.

"Team dismissed." He panted a little as the cadets sprinted off thankful that he'd let them go. He stormed over to you and sternly said your name causing your team to cower. "Meeting."

You eyed your wonderful boyfriend. People were scared, but you smiled brightly at him. "Sure!" You hurried after him. "Levi? Could you slow down a bit? You're moving really fast."

He turned, picked you up like a bride and then started racing to his room. He ignored your protests and questions. All he could think about was getting you alone. When he reached his room, he closed the door with a kick and sat you on his desk. He locked it and released a long sigh before repeating your name with a voice laced with arousal.

You shifted on his desk. "Everything okay Levi?"

He turned to you. "Explain yourself."

You frowned a little as you felt confused at his statement. "I don't follow?"

He raced over to you. "You know what I'm talking about."

You nibbled your lip. "I really don't." You looked up at him through your lashes. "I'm sorry if it's something bad."

He looped his finger around the strap over your breasts. "Your shirt is tighter than normal. Your bra doesn't fit you right like it's too small."

You whined a little. "You noticed." You laughed a little at your words. "Of course, you would notice." You sighed and looked up at him. "It's not my bra and shirt, that's why. I stayed over at my friend's house, remember?"

He nodded. "For a few days. I missed you."

"I missed you too!" You pulled at your shirt. "Well, I went in my gear and I helped her do some DIY, but unfortunately I got very dirty. She offered to clean my bra and shirt but it wasn't done before I had to come in today. She offered me her shirt and bra, but she's a smaller size than me. I had to make do."

He stared at your chest as he gulped hard. "Can I see?"

You undid the strap over your chest. "Sure."

Levi grabbed your hands. "W-Wait. M-may I?"

You pushed your chest out a little. "Of course, I know it's your favourite part."

He popped the button with ease and saw your breasts were threatening to fall out. He kept undoing more buttons to reveal your boobs being pressed and squished by the smaller bra. "Fuck..."

"Warned you it was bad."

He reached over and massaged. "Shit." He grabbed your shirt and ripped it open causing buttons to fly. "You are so sexy."

You gasped. "Levi, this is my friend's shirt."

He pulled your straps off. "I'll get her another one, it's fine." He pulled the shirt off you. He tugged on the bra, but it was on tight. "Damn thing." He pushed his hand under the band of the bra. "Your poor boobs must hurt."

You hummed in pleasure as he kissed and licked the tops of them. "They do. Could you help me?"

He unclipped your bra before you could fully get your request out. "Yes."

You moaned in relief as the bra slipped down your arms and your boobs were finally free. "Mm, better."

He lightly ran his finger over a red mark on your breast. "It marked you." He leaned closer and ran his tongue over the mark. "How dare it. Only I'm allowed to mark you."

You tangled your fingers in his hair as he began licking and sucking at your chest. You panted softly as your body began to tingle with pleasure. You shivered as he lifted your weighty breast allowing him better access to it. You mewled as his other hand gripped and squeezed your waist.

Levi pulled back with a pop. "More. I need more." He picked you up and sighed. "Come with me."

You held on tightly to him. "Levi, I'm too heavy to carry."

"You're perfection." He sat on the bed and put you on his lap. He nestled against the headboard before smiling at you. "Look at you."

You massaged your fingers in his hair. "You make my heart race."

"Good. I want you to love me and adore only me." He leaned closer and licked your nipple. "You're the only person I've ever deeply loved. You're my first in everything."

Your cheeks heated up. "Mine too." You hummed as he sucked on your peak. "I hope you don't grow tired of me."

He popped your nipple from his mouth and panted. "Are you kidding me? Never. Tch, silly brat." He gripped your left breast firmly and admired how it was trying to spill out between his fingers. "Look at you." He growled. "I fucking love you."

"I love you." You whimpered a moan as he pressed your boobs together so your nipples were close. You cried out in pleasure when he took both into his mouth. "Le-Levi."

He released them and began softly massaging. "Do you feel good?"

You purred. "Yes." You nipped your lip. "Can I touch you?"

He blushed. "Yes." He grunted and felt his heart racing when he heard you undoing his belt. His breath hitched when you grasped his erection. "Mm." He moaned your name. "You feel so good." He panted as you moved your hand up and down his smooth hot shaft. He moaned your name.

You kissed his cheek before kissing him passionately. You purred as you adored how hot and needy he was for you. You shifted a little causing Levi to growl. "Don't worry, my boobs are not going anywhere."

He grabbed your back and yanked you closer so your breasts were in his face. He dragged his hands over your body and pushed up your chest. He showered them with kisses and began massaging them again. He latched onto the top of your breast, his tongue moving against the soft delicate skin.

He flicked your nipple with his tongue and lovingly sucked it. He hummed in delight. He started panting against your chest causing your skin to burn with pleasure. His moans changed, he was close to the end. He was always so flustered when you doted on him. He grunted and shifted under you.

Levi moaned your name as he came against your hand, his stomach and yours. He released your breasts and hummed. He panted a moment as he came down from his high. He lifted you and laid you down. "Stay here."

You giggled as he ran to the bathroom before returning to you. You sighed as he started cleaning you. "Thank you."

He placed the cloth down before crawling over you. "I want to eat you."

You arched your back a little. "I'm all yours."

@ladycheesington @levisbrat25 @nyxiieluna @li-anne @galactict3a @youre-ackermine @thebobaprincess @2moth-anon2 @cypidity @nbinairyn @bts-spnlvr12 @darkstarlight82 @emilyyyy-08 @levistealeaf @pelicanpizza @hideandgopeep @notgoodforlife @demonic-bird @searriously @dreamerofthewest @abiatackerman @minminroie

[thevoicefromanotherworld]

"THAT'S MY GOOD FUCKING GIRL"

SOOOO I wrote another story with Buck because I (need him to fuck me until I can't walk straight) love him so much

I wrote this for everyone, but specially for the people that (as me) have a thing for that freaking metal arm ikyk *wink wink*

I hope you like it!

WARNING: EXPLICIT SMUT UNDER THE CUT

The soldier tried to get rid of the ropes that were tied around his wrists.

“Damn ropes,” he growled, trying to untie the strong knot that had been made around his wrists.

Then he heard them, several footsteps slowly approaching where he was.

“Shit,” he snorted as he listened to them. “I can hear you, you know?” he snorted. “If you want to be discreet, it would help if you didn't wear those fucking boots.” he shrugged. “But hey, if you're back to try to make me bleed, go ahead.” Suddenly the footsteps stopped, and Barnes listened, trying to guess if the intruder had left or was still in the house. “Hello?” he asked.

The footsteps started again, making you enter his field of vision. He watched you for a few moments with wide eyes, surprised by your presence.

“What…? You?” he asked, tilting his head in confusion. “How the hell…?” Where did you come from? How did you get in here?

-I climbed the wall –you said raising your hands- these new gloves Tony designed are the best, they stick like they were made of gum –you nodded towards the glasses hanging around your neck- you should let Stark take a look at them

-For your information, smartass, these glasses are older than you and I combined –he muttered- I use them to better focus on my objectives –he stared at you- but we're not talking about me, but about you –he said, turning the tables on you- What the fuck are you doing here? I told you not to follow me, that I wanted to work alone on this mission –he sighed tiredly- I hoped you would at least respect my decision, but of course you haven't because you barely respect yourself

-What the fuck did you say? –you questioned, looking at him with rage reflecting in your dark eyes-

-You heard me, fuck –the super-soldier growled- they could have killed you if they had seen you come in here –he muttered- it's not that I don't trust you, okay? You're an exceptional agent and Fury would agree with me –he explained- you know that he would have put us together if it weren't because… -he tilted his head- the people in this place are extremely dangerous, and not because they're armed to the teeth with pistols and semi-automatic weapons –he muttered- they're an illegal organization that has been trafficking drugs and scientific experiments for years. Do you understand? These guys are top 1 on the list of biggest motherfuckers in the world, even above Hydra

You watched him closely for a few moments, as he continued with his story

-Apparently, when I snuck into their headquarters a couple of months ago they were working on a new drug to introduce into the black market, which supposedly brainwashes people and forces them to experience feelings they don't want, which makes them either extremely vulnerable or turns them into cold, emotionless soldiers –he lowered his head- like I was

The sadness in his voice when he said that made you want to run out of there, travel back in time, grab all the Hydra motherfuckers who hurt him and kill them all again one by one slowly and agonizingly.

-That's why you came here alone- you finally realized, he nodded-

-Yes- he confirmed- this is something personal for me- he stated- and for the record, I was carrying out my role with absolute normality, until they knocked me out- he made a gesture with his head towards the ropes- then I woke up here, tied to a chair while they tortured me for I don't know how many hours

-Are you okay?- you asked trying to see his wrists from your position-

-Yes, I've been tortured before by people who were much better at it, so it's nothing- he assured you- listen to me, these people are not the type you can mess with- he continued explaining- especially when they have unidentified drugs up their sleeve- he murmured seriously- that's why you have to leave, right now- he ordered, fixing his gaze on your eyes-

-Leave? I've come to save you!

"You, saving me?" you exclaimed, making an amused smile appear on his lips.

"You, saving me?" he questioned as if it seemed to him the craziest thing he had ever heard in his life. "Please, you saving me?" he snorted, very self-satisfied. "I can untie myself and get up from this chair whenever I want," he murmured. "Just because I have a couple of bruises doesn't mean I'm useless, okay?" he took a deep breath. "I have everything under control, just…" he swallowed slowly. "Go away before they hurt you," he whispered. "I need to know that you're safe."

The sparkle in his green eyes was enough for you to realize that he was serious. Even if what he was saying was true (and probably the most sensible option), you refused to listen to him.

-I'm not going to leave you here, I don't care what you say to me - you declared firmly, he let out a curse under his breath -

-Fuck, you're so stubborn - he complained, staring at you again -

-Look who's talking, the most stubborn one in the place - he frowned-

-I'm not stubborn! –Barnes exclaimed- I just know when my teammates can handle missions and when they can't, and you can't handle this one –he decreed- so you have to leave before they come back

At that moment Bucky felt a sharp pain in his neck, which made him turn his head as if he had been punched. Worried, you approached him without actually touching him.

-What happened to you? Are you okay? –you asked trying to find his eyes with your gaze-

-Fuck! –he growled, shaking his head from side to side, as if he was trying to wake up from a nightmare- I felt like something was poking me in the neck –he said, tilting his head- Do you see anything?

-Yes –you affirmed pointing at his skin with your index finger- they stuck a dart in you

-A dart? -he questioned while looking at the windows of the adjacent buildings- And where the hell did it come from? -his eyes focused on a fixed point outside- Look there, on the beams! -he pointed to the exact spot with his head- you have to get out of here, go away- he ordered hastily- you have to go before they know you're here… -you saw how his eyes began to close, whatever they had injected him with must have been powerful enough to knock him out- just… run… -he said before fainting-

Several hours later, the super-soldier came to. He slowly raised his gaze, causing a slight dizziness to suddenly come over him.

-Shit… my head… -he complained, looking around the room, which he didn't recognize- Where am I? -he asked himself out loud- What the hell…?

Then he saw you, stationed at the entrance of the room in a simple T-shirt and pants outfit.

-Oh, hello –he greeted, looking at you a little more attentively than he should have- it's you again –he observed- wait… I… I thought I told you to go away –he frowned, looking at the walls for a moment- wait a second, where are we?

-In my apartment –you answered-

-Your apartment? –he asked- How did we get here? We were in… –he looked at himself for a moment- Where the fuck are my clothes? What the hell happened?

-I got rid of the group that was outside your building –you explained calmly- then I brought you here

-Wait, wait –he stopped you- Did you kill all those men when I passed out? –you nodded- What happened to the leader?

-He was the only one I didn't kill - you confessed, holding his gaze - they put him in police custody awaiting trial - you explained - I assume that Fury is pulling the strings so that the case becomes Shield's matter and thus transfer the prisoner to the Raft as soon as possible

He stared at you, thinking what he should say next.

-I suppose I underestimated you - he said very slowly - and how did you manage to drag me here by yourself? Didn't I weigh much? - he questioned -

-Not really - you crossed your arms - I have lifted weights that weigh more than you, sergeant

A hoarse laugh came from between his lips, making you shudder. If only you knew how much it affected him when you called him that…

-You're lying –he whispered- I'm sure you had help –he laughed- you're not exactly Hawkeye, honey- he smiled- come on, you're smaller than me –he said pointing out the obvious- but… thanks –he said, making you nod your head as you assimilated that he had thanked you for saving his life, it was always good to hear it- and… Why did you bring me to your apartment? –he asked- Why not to the headquarters?

You stayed silent and he scrutinized your face for a few moments before finding the answer himself

-Oh, I see –he whispered- you would be in trouble if you had taken me there, because you weren't supposed to help me –he focused his gaze on you- Did Fury order you not to come after me?

-It could be - you answered in a small voice, he clicked his tongue-

-I knew it - he muttered angrily - I told you not to get involved in this, and you did it anyway - he snorted - God, you are so stubborn… - he complained - Do you know how dangerous those darts can be?

-No, I don't know, just like you - you said - so stop pretending you know what all this is about, because you don't

-Whatever you say, princess - he snorted, looking away at the wall beside him -

-No, I listened to you, so now YOU are going to listen to ME - you ordered, making the soldier focus all his attention on you again - when I brought you here, all by myself for your information, I thought you were dead - you said - your pulse was very weak and you were barely breathing. Do you understand? - you questioned, looking him straight in the eyes- I've been alone all my life and I've never felt as lonely as when I left your body on the tiles in my kitchen

-Technically I've been dead twice - he intervened delicately- but… thanks for stitching up my wounds - he looked at his chest and arms- from what I see you've done an excellent job - he took a deep breath- I should go and return to the barracks

-No

-No? - he questioned raising an eyebrow- Are you telling me what to do? - he asked, as if he hadn't heard you well- look, I appreciate your concern and all, but I really have to go

He stood up and walked towards the door, but you ran towards it and locked it before he got there.

You turned around to observe his imposing figure in the middle of the hallway, his metal arm sending out small flashes due to the moonlight that entered through the apartment windows.

-Have you really locked the door? –he questioned pointing out the obvious- Is this another hostage situation that I should be worried about? –he asked, sketching an amused smile-

The expression on your face and your body posture made it clear to him that you weren't going to let him go, so he raised his hands on both sides of his body in a gesture of defeat.

-Okay, okay - he gave in - but at least give me back my shirt - he asked kindly - at least you left my pants on, so thanks for that - he whispered ironically -

A loud sound reached Bucky's ears, who quickly became alert, looking both ways frantically.

-What the fuck is that? - he asked alarmed -

-It's the kettle - you said slowly - calm down, everything's okay

-Shit, sorry… - he whispered - it's just that… well… you know, my PTSD from being… - he swallowed hard, you had never seen him more vulnerable than at that moment - the Winter Soldier implies panic at loud sounds - he said - so I… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you

-I'm the one who should apologize - you retorted - I had no idea

-It's okay, you didn't have to know - he murmured kindly - You headed towards the living room. He followed you. A pile of clean clothes rested on the soft surface.

“This is for you,” you said timidly before picking up the bottle with the pills, “and this too,” you whispered, “is for the headache.”

An amused smile appeared on his lips.

“Will you make me some tea and offer me some new clothes?” he observed. “I appreciate it, but don't think that by doing this I'm going to forget the fact that you stayed when I told you to leave, but… thank you,” he said again, this was the third time.

You sat down on the couch and poured the tea. He took a sip before leaving the cup on the table.

-It's good - he said before taking a couple of pills - and these should take effect soon - he observed before looking at you firmly - I appreciate all this, but we would not have ended up in this situation if you had done what I told you to do - he explained - we have been lucky, because if not this could have ended in a very different way

-I know - you murmured, getting up to pick up your cup -

-I know you know - he affirmed -

He observed you for a moment, before speaking more softly than before.

-You are acting as if I were about to yell at you - he explained - Are you really not afraid of me?

-No - you answered calmly - Are you angry?

-No, I am a little disappointed in you for not taking your safety seriously - he confessed - but I am not angry - he smiled - but Fury will be… furious - he paused for a moment - if he finds out

-Are you going to threaten him? - you asked curiously-

-I won't, if you do it you're doing something for me - he said - never ever follow me on a mission as dangerous as this unless I ask you to, do you understand me? You are a very important asset for Shield, and that's why you are under my protection - he reminded you - I can't let you get hurt or killed - he said - it's not that I don't trust you, it's that keeping you safe is part of my job, not letting you get into things you're not ready for - he added - believe me, I had to deal with this type of situations a lot with Steve - he smiled remembering it - so, that would be all basically - he finished -

-Is that all? - you asked, he frowned -

-Is that all? - he repeated - And what…? - then he noticed your neck and your arms for the first time since he woke up from his slumber, now with the light he could see you clearly - What is that? -he questioned, staring at you-

-What?

-That, on your neck –he asked- Is it a bandage? Because it's in the same area where I… -his voice faded, as he looked into your eyes- little liar –he whispered, sending a shiver through your body- Did they manage to hit you with one of those darts too?

He remained silent, waiting for you to confess, but since you didn't, he spoke again

-I asked you a question, and I'm waiting for an answer. Did they shoot you?

-Yes –you muttered under your breath, he cursed-

-Shit –he complained- I told you not to follow me. This is the main reason why I told you not to –he snorted-

-Calm down –you asked, he looked at you firmly- -Calm down? -he asked- they shot darts at us with a substance that we don't know what it is- he reminded you- we could die right now and no one… -he stopped- shit, I'm fine- he reassured you- just a little dizzy- he said- it's because you're too close

You hadn't realized, but as you talked you had gotten closer to him, just like he to you.

-Do you want me to go? -you asked, he shook his head negatively-

-No, just… get away a little -he whispered- I'm sorry, but I can't seem to concentrate well right now-

-It happens to me too -you confessed alternating your gaze from his eyes to his mouth-

-Shit -he cursed again- I think there was something in that drug those bastards shot at us -he explained- I don't know what it could be but I feel weird -he whispered- I feel like my heart is racing every few minutes more than normal, and it definitely doesn't help that you're there, existing like a strong ray of sunlight hitting me directly in the face -he said making you blush-

-I think this drug could be an aphrodisiac or something like that -the soldier murmured- that would explain why… -he paused for a moment- no, no, no t-this is w-wrong -he stammered- I-I have to g-go-

You placed your hands on his chest silencing him immediately. You felt his strong muscles moving under his skin.

“Your hands… are warm on my skin,” he whispered, gently raising his metal hand to your face.

Automatically, all the thoughts you had about him and that hand and what he could do to you with it made your face heat up.

“You're blushing.”

“It's not true.”

“Yes it is,” he laughed, amused that you tried to hide it. “You…? Do you really like my metal arm?” he asked, raising the corner of his lips in a half-smile. “I mean… it's usually unpleasant for women.”

“Not for me,” you confessed, feeling like your face was about to explode.

“Oh, I see,” he whispered, “you love it, right?” he asked. “Shit, is that the drug talking, or…?”

“No,” you answered faster than you wanted. “I've been watching you for a while.”

That WAS because of the drug. I mean, it was true, but if you hadn't been on some kind of psychotropic drug (which you were) you would never have admitted that out loud, much less in front of him.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, making your heart skip a few beats, "especially so close," he sighed, "when I can admire everything about you," he whispered as he snuck his fingers under the waistband of your pants little by little before beginning to rub his fingers over your clothed center. "Is it okay?" he asked, you nodded. "More?" he questioned, reading the expression on your face.

Once again you nodded, making him let out a hoarse laugh that made you tense up deliciously.

"Only if you ask me nicely…" he murmured, stopping his movements, making you let out a gasp of surprise, he smiled.

"Please Bucky, can you…?" -You didn't have time to finish the sentence, since he had resumed his movements, which made you hold on to his broad shoulders to avoid collapsing-

-So obedient… -he murmured, watching you closely- I definitely didn't expect that from someone as stubborn as you- he laughed- shit- he growled- tell me to stop right now if you don't want me to kiss you- he said, staring into your eyes-

-I don't want you to stop- you repeated, swallowing hard, seeing the intense shine in his green eyes-

-Give me those lips then- he growled as he closed the distance that separated you to kiss you-

His lips moved needily against yours, making you gasp into his mouth. His beard tickled you, but you didn't care.

Not when he was kissing you like that, as if the air in his own lungs wasn't necessary to live, that he also needed the air in yours.

-This –kiss- is a –kiss- very bad idea –he murmured between kisses- you know that right? –he questioned- we should –kiss- stop –another kiss-

You watched each other for a moment, understanding each other without needing to speak, until he said:

-Fuck, I don't want to stop either –he panted kissing your neck and taking off your shirt and bra to leave kisses between needy and sweet on your chest- My God, every part of you is perfect –he whispered sliding his lips over your skin-

Little by little he placed you on your back against the couch without stopping kissing you, his powerful body floating over yours.

-That's it, darling –he praised against your mouth- give me better access –he murmured making a gesture towards himself for a moment- let me…

Without warning, you snapped your fingers and all his clothes disappeared making him laugh.

-Sometimes I forget that, besides being an excellent agent, you are also a mutant - he smiled - I have seen you use your powers before, but never like this

-That's because I only reserve these tricks for you - you whispered, making him smile -

Your powers consisted of making any physical element appear and disappear at will whenever you wanted.

At first you made things disappear without wanting to, but thanks to your training with Wanda and Strange you learned to bring them back and, ultimately, control your powers completely.

His fingers pushed aside your underwear, sneaking inside you. A gasp escaped from between your lips, noticing how he stretched you.

-Shit you are so wet - he observed, staring into your wide eyes - I can't wait and see how you taste," he confessed, making your hair stand on end, "but first you have to do something for me," he whispered, "can you do it, darling?" he added, you nodded weakly, his fingers certainly didn't help you concentrate properly. "Of course you can," he murmured before kissing you again, "do you know what I want you to do?" –he came closer to your ear, and whispered- I want you to beg

-I already have –you complained, he shook his head slowly-

-Not enough –he growled lightly- you're lovely, but you're going to have to beg me if you really want this –he whispered, you felt how the fact that he suddenly became so bossy only made you more excited than you already were- do it –he pressed- beg me

-Please Bucky –you pouted- I need you

-Come on princess –he sketched an amused smile- you can do better than that

That's when you exploded. Your libido was through the roof, and you needed him so much that his fingers weren't enough anymore, you wanted him.

-I need you inside me –you confessed- I need you to bury yourself so deep inside me that I don't know where I end and you begin.

-That's better –he said resuming his movements in your center- I knew you could do better –he added between laughs-

-Wait –you said holding his wrist with your hand- I need… I want… -your gaze shifted to his other arm, making his smile grow wider-

-Do you want me to touch you with my metal hand? –he questioned, you nodded slowly, feeling yourself blush- shit you're fucking adorable, are you sure? –you nodded again- you really have a thing for it don't you? –he took a deep breath for a moment- okay –he agreed- Who would dare to reject such a sweet offer?

He quickly replaced his flesh hand with the metal one. A squeal escaped from between his lips at the cold contact of the metal on your hot center. You held onto him as he curled his fingers, brushing against that spot that made your head spin.

-That's it, let me caress your clit- he whispered, watching you intently- good girl- he praised, making you gasp and start moving your hips against his fingers, suddenly his contact disappeared. Your eyes widened when you saw how he placed both hands on your hips-

-Fuck it- he growled- spread your legs- he ordered, staring at you-

-Why did you stop?- you moaned- I was about to…

-You're going to cum several times tonight- he assured you- now I need to taste you

Unable to say another word, you nodded and did as he asked.

-You're so wet- he whispered, placing himself between your legs- but I want you to be even more- he confessed, leaving a soft kiss on your center- legs on my shoulders, doll

You couldn't explain in words what happened next. His tongue was everywhere, sucking, licking, and tugging at your clit making you feel soaked like never before.

You arched your back into him, earning a murmur from him as he claimed you with his mouth. You rested both of your hands in his hair, tugging at it between your hands.

“Yes baby,” he whispered, “show me what you like,” he said as you squirmed against him. “Your moans tell me you’ve been wanting this for a long time,” he commented as he kissed you.

“Yes.”

“Yes?” he questioned. “You’ve been thinking about me like this, huh? I bet you got wet thinking about me doing this, right?” “Another kiss,” you nodded, unable to form a coherent sentence at the thought of a super-soldier eating your pussy out on your couch. “Is this what you wanted?”

-Yes –you gasped, holding onto his hair again, feeling yourself blush-

-It's okay, baby –he whispered- you're not the only one who's had those fantasies –he confessed, and the fact that Bucky had been thinking about you like that was enough to make you cum at that moment- you've been on my mind for quite some time, too –he began to explain- in this position and maybe with one of my hands on your throat –a muffled cry escaped from between your lips, since that was the same thing you had been thinking- preferably the metal one –he whispered, thus completing both of your fantasy-

-I… -you gasped- I've been thinking about that too –you confessed, he smiled-

-Do you want to do it now? –he asked and you nodded- good girl –he murmured- okay, here we go –he said reaching his hand up to your throat- I'll just place it around it without using force, just so you feel his presence, okay? –you nodded firmly-

When you felt the cold metal against the skin of your neck, and his long fingers wrapping around your throat you thought you would faint. The pleasure you were feeling at that moment was nothing like anything you had ever experienced before.

-Oh fuck –he gasped watching you- this is so fucking sexy… -he growled- my hand around your throat –he murmured kissing you in the center again- my other hand stimulating your clit and my mouth devouring you like I have been wanting for weeks

The sensations were… too much. You felt your body tense and relax in equal parts. He noticed it too when he looked up at you.

-I can feel you tightening around my fingers –he whispered- Are you going to cum already, doll? –he asked- Are you close? –you nodded- good –he murmured- I want you to cum on my fingers while I make a mess of your clit –the mere thought made your head spin- Can you do that for me?

Lost in the cloud of lividity, you nodded.

-Good girl –he praised kissing you- just feel my fingers stretching you, while my teeth pull on your clit

-Buck… -you gasped holding onto his hair again-

-That's it baby, cum for me –he ordered-

With a loud squeal, you did it. As you caught your breath, his green eyes scanned your face intently.

“That’s my good girl,” he smiled. “You came so hard,” he murmured, his smile growing wider. “How long have you been holding it in, babe?”

“Too long,” you replied, trying to calm the trembling in your legs. Without giving him time to say anything else, you wrapped your hand around his cock. This time it was he who gasped.

“Baby,” he growled, throwing his head back. “I need to feel something more than just your hand,” he confessed. “Take your time, I don’t want to make you…”

A hoarse gasp escaped from between his lips as you took him into your mouth and tasted the tip between your lips. He raised his hips against you, making you feel him grow inside your mouth.

-Wait- he growled holding your head gently with his metal hand- I don't want to cum without feeling you first- he patted his leg twice- come here, sit on my lap

He didn't have to ask you twice. You positioned yourself there, he held your hips between his hands while offering you a radiant smile.

-Hi- you greeted with a nervous laugh-

-Hi- he whispered focusing all his attention on you- I want you to ride me- he confessed making you almost choke on your own saliva, you loved that he was so direct- now you have control and I want you to take my cock like a good fucking girl. Understand?

You nodded and raised your hips to slowly introduce him inside you. You both gasped at the sensation, his metal hand rested on your back, helping you stabilize.

-Slow down, baby – he whispered – don't rush – he asked – it's been a while since I last saw you

You moved your hips against him, feeling how he stretched you in a delicious way.

He buried his face in your neck to kiss you again while you sighed and moved looking for a release that came too soon.

When you finished he held you in his arms and without realizing it you fell asleep against each other.

[psilliguykai]

WELCOME TO WILLIAM’S WANTON WEARY WILES!

An impulsive, apathetic man’s misanthropic jams. An eclectic collection of futile dissensions, a pretentious pile of literary bile filled with self destructive theatrics and rectifying tactics and any other slew of showy words.

Welcome.

(Info under the cut)

*queue WTTH instrumental*

Hello boys, girls, neithers, boths, and in-betweens and welcome to William’s Wanton Weary Wiles, a Will Wood/WWATTW x CCCC AU! Consider this a masterpost. Note that this AU is still very much in development, and this post will be updated as things change/get added :] Also. being totally up front. I’ve never made an AU or attempted a story this complex before, so please bare with me if things get confusing! Feedback is appreciated ^^

Warning! WWWW tackles sensitive topics, but nothing foreign to Will Wood or Chonny Jash’s music. Appropriate warnings will be put in the tags of each post, but overall CW/TW for: alcoholism/addiction, mental health issues, suicidal ideation, manipulation, and (moderate) violence.

The WWWW AU story is very similar to the original CCCC album, but with slightly different themes and tone. It still follows HMSW after Whole splits, creating Heart, Mind, and Soul. However, each character and their dynamics + certain plot points (e.g the Juno incident) are altered.

Asks about this AU are extremely welcome! Could be genuine questions, thoughts, serious, silly - anything (so long as it’s SFW!) is great and will help me with making this a Better and Actual Thing :3

In WWWW each member of HMSW represents and is based off of a WW(ATTW) album. Each character’s songs are from their respective albums, and the story will be told in the form of a written series of covers of songs by WW/WWATTW (plus some visual pieces :]). These will be posted individually and linked here as they get released.

While HMSW still exist with the same vague concepts and color themes, they do diverge a decent bit from the original CCCC album and I would not consider them to be representations of canon HMSW (or of any real people - this includes Whole /srs). I’ll be creating and posting ref sheets for each character along with extra info across the next month or so. For now, here’s some overall important info on the AU/”lore” below :3

Important overall info: 

- HMS exists in a sort of parallel reality I’m calling Marybell (as a reference to Suburbia Overture as well as The Prescription). It’s a town within Will’s psyche that reflects his reality. It can change depending on his state of mind/current situation, and pretty much only exists to provide a physical space for HMS.

- Time loop!! This AU takes place during the 2012th loop, though most of Whole’s previous splits were much shorter than this one (some only lasting a day or two, others lasting more like a couple weeks). They’ve gotten longer throughout his life. This one takes place over ~1-3 months (keeping it ambiguous). 

- Soul remembers every loop and knows the vague events that happen when Will is whole (though the memories are less clear than when he’s split). Heart and Mind don’t remember previous loops. Physical changes caused to any of HMS remain, even when the timeloop resets.

- LI does exist in WWWW! She’s about as significant as she is in CCCC and will probably get at least an intro, if not her own ref sheet at some point. I also have a sort of Darrell-equivelant which will probably get his own thing at some point as well, just later since HMSW are top priority at the moment ^^

Meet the cast: 

I’ll elaborate on each of them as the ref sheets come out :] all characters have multiple names which can/will be used interchangeably. I’ve included the pronouns I think the characters would use, but you all are welcome to use whatever you’d like for any of them. Run free :3

Whole:

- Whole/Will/William Racheal McSprout

- In Case I Make It

- He/him (GNC Cis Guy)

- 23-24 years old across the album

- Works at a small grocery/general tourist store

- Makes music as a side hobby. Not that successful lol. He makes decent stuff though - within the AU, the ICIMI covers featured would be considered his original music. 

- Spends his extra money on video games, alcohol, music equipment (sorta, though he mostly borrows shit and uses free programs), and serving cunt (fashion/makeup stuff)

- Not aware of HMS, though they’re aware of him. Mostly just feels a general sense of dissonance during splits, rather than Knowing the presence of these Multiple Actual Guys. Can’t interact with Marybell, same as HMS can’t (directly) interact with the “Real World”.

Soul:

- The Soul/Mr. Capgras/Cotard/Atlas

- He/it

- SELF-iSH

- Whole’s “self” - who he is at his core. His identity and personality at its most raw form. 

- He’s the most in-tune with Will’s actual state of being (health, emotions, etc.) and considers himself to somewhat be William, just separated and with pieces of himself missing. 

- Ultimate goal is to become a Happy Healthy and Alive Whole. Unlike in CCCC, the self-destruction is left more to H/M in this one .

- Knows he needs to get Heart and Mind to work together if he wants to keep William good and well, but he’s growing incredibly tired throughout the loops. He primarily experiences Will’s worst moments and rarely gets a break. Spends most of him life trying to get these. Fuckers. to get along and he’s so incredibly done with both of them. Growing distant, but ultimately does care about H/M on a personal level and really wishes they could all be happy together.

Mind:

- The Mind/Laplace/Al/Apollo

- He/she

- The Normal Album

- Whole’s logic, as well as his self-control and calculated decision making. Doing his best to keep Will stable and often doing so to the point of burnout.

- Primarily tries to keep Heart in check, to the point of excessively trying to control it and Soul. Wants to keep Whole productive and functional by any means necessary. 

- At the end of the day, he does want Whole to live a happy life, but (despite keeping up a facade of superiority and strength) fears Heart’s impulsiveness/ erratic nature and feels the need to over-compensate in order to keep Will safe. 

Heart:

- The Heart/Jimmy/Vestal/Artemis

- He/it

- Everything Is a Lot

- Whole’s emotions, as well as his impulsiveness and indulgence. Sometimes joy-seeking, sometimes self-destructive. Often those two go hand in hand.

- Focused on breaking free from Mind’s controlling nature, trying to get her and Soul to “live a little”. Wants to allow Whole unbridled indulgence (in every whim and emotion, including negative) often to the point of self-destruction. 

- Ultimately it knows he’s wrecking Will, but finds it’s the only way to assuage his suffering. He knows Mind is right about them needing to get their shit together, but finds him difficult to work with and listen to when he’s so excessively overbearing. 

Tags:

Everything about this AU will be listed under the tags #wwww au and #william’s wanton weary wiles. 

Additional tags (color-coded according to character): #William Racheal McSprout, #Jimmy wwww, #Al wwww, and #Mr. Capgras wwww

Look out for updates over the next uh. While, I guess :D

[dingodad]

this is the first time that ive heard about the debate re: interfering with conditional immortality? if you dont mind explaining, whats up with the debate? like why is it a thing?

the text is deliberately inexplicit about what the enchanted clock actually does; whether it innately has some magical property which allows it to decide whether a god lives or dies, or if it just 'tells the time', so to speak - the resurrection process happens independent of the physical clock, and the hand just points to whatever option was going to happen anyway.

Vriska's first death plays with this ambiguity on purpose. Jack strikes the clock with an item that we understand has enchantment-nullifying properties, the hand lands on the closest option by way of gravity, and that seems to be it - Vriska dies. but because we don't even know what the clock is doing to begin with, it's not actually clear what the sequence of events is - did Vriska die because Jack nullified the clock when the hand was already hovering over the Just side? or did the clock just stop working right as Vriska was going to die anyway? again, this ambiguity is ON PURPOSE: Vriska by her very nature shines a light on the absurdity of trying to fit a real person into such rigid categories as 'hero' and 'villain'. Hussie had pretty much exactly this to say when asked about it in 2011:

The clock did appear to lean "just" an instant before, and there are plenty of ways to argue in favor of a just death. There are many mitigating factors as well to supply a counter argument. It would not be that interesting if it were absolutely unambiguous, where everyone could all easily agree that her death was just. Or if everyone agreed there was no justice in it at all. There are enough factors in play where you have reason to think about it a bit, and such that it leaves plenty to discuss. You may consider the evidence and draw a conclusion. You may even feel very strongly about your conclusion! But for either the story, or me, to provide a categorically "right answer", immediately following the establishment of all the things that made it interesting to consider, shortchanges all that, I believe. For the clock to settle unceremoniously on "just" I feel would come across as a nonconstructive, compact ethical lecture, quickly nullifying all there was to evaluate and talk about.

but because popular readership has a really hard time with anything ambiguous, the common interpretation of this scene simply came to be that Jack killed Vriska by fucking with the clock. boo!

the issue has been mitigated by various factors since this event, no doubt many of which are in some way references or callbacks to this original controversy. firstly, Aranea getting her "Lucky 8r8k!!!!!!!!" when Jade dies a Just death after a building falls on her. this has widely been referred to as Aranea "manipul8ing" the result of the clock, because there are actually a couple of competing ambiguities here which readers have tried to sand down simultaneously:

they have arbitrarily conflated Aranea's mind control powers with Vriska's suite of Thief of Light powers

many choose to take it as read that "luck" is actually a 'real thing' in the world of Homestuck, and that Heroes of Light are somehow genuinely able to alter reality by manipulating it. if a really lucky person like Vriska or Aranea finds a dollar coin on the sidewalk, it is because their luck somehow made that coin appear there - this is certainly one possible way in which "luck" could work if it were 'real', but Homestuck is far more interested in asking this question than answering it

they have a really hard time believing that Jade 'deserved' to die, because she was being 'mind controlled' (this is a whole debate of its own) and therefore not 'really' 'evil' and therefore her death can't 'really' have been 'Just'. because once again, they think the Heroic/Just system of conditional immortality is some objective thesis on morality, and that the world of Homestuck actually has rigid laws determining who 'counts' as a 'hero' or a 'villain' - but again, this is a question that Homestuck is asking, not a statement it is making!

this all comes to a head with the climax of Caliborn's arc in Act 7, where he destroys the god tier clock and absorbs the resulting rainbow energies of immortality - implicitly one of the boons given unto him by Yaldabaoth which allows him to become immortal and everpresent throughout time. this case is harder to make a definitive argument about, because it is certainly true that Caliborn destroying the god tier clock symbolises his nullifying its effects and thus overcoming death. but there are other factors to be taken into account:

the result of nullifying the clock's enchantment is not internally consistent. when Jack breaks the clock, Vriska stays dead - thus implying, possibly, that a) the clock is responsible for bringing gods back to life. but when Caliborn breaks the clock, (we are to assume, at least for the sake of argument) he becomes immortal - implying that b) the clock is responsible for killing gods. both of these things cannot be simultaneously true; if a) is true, then Caliborn, having destroyed the clock, must stay dead after being killed. if b) is true, then Vriska, having the clock's effects negated, should have access to unlimited restorative powers. we must assume that the truth is a little more nuanced or - God forbid - metaphorical than either of these two things.

my last anon refers to "slick beating up vriskas [clock]" and "caliborn [...] destroying his" - implying a clock for each god which the savvy trickster might be able to individually interfere with in order to disrupt immortality judgements on a case-by-case basis. but of course this isn't how it works: so far as we can observe, there's a single clock in Scratch's apartment that presides over all of the comic's judgements, and so there's no reason to believe Caliborn's clock is in any way entirely his own; presumably, it's the same one he will later use as decor when he becomes Scratch. so whatever he does to the clock at his point in the timeline should remain true along the clock's entire timeline - he can't just destroy it 'for himself' and nobody else. at least not in any way that can be taken 100% literally.

Jake 'disrupting' Jade's judgement in 8r8k is just another entry in this same vein... except, like, without any of the real moral ambiguities? I don't think anyone's arguing that being a cheater puts adult Jade in any way the same kind of ethical quagmire as Vriska or werewolf Jade, LOL, nor do I think there's any seriously strong reason to believe that being shot in the head from a distance while standing still generating a force field is a Heroic death either. so nudging Jade's death from 'probably neutral' to 'definitely neutral' - if that's what we're supposed to interpret as what's literally happening - doesn't really come across as a particularly awesome display of Jake's power, here; but Naked White Jake in general is a whole new can of worms that the comic hasn't even had the opportunity to start opening yet, so I'm reserving my analysis on that for now.

[blushsturns]

update on my mental health…!

hi everyone! being on here these last couple months has been incredibly wonderful. i have met some really great people, published my works and got really amazing comments from all of you, and i have been able to talk about the triplets and read all of your phenomenal works too. i want to take the time to thank everyone who has followed along with my stories, shared them, and said the sweetest things about them because things like that keep me going. writing is something that helps me mentally when i’m feeling down, and being able to have a platform to do that is very beneficial.

but.. i also have been struggling mentally. i haven’t been okay and i let some of you know that, but otherwise i tend to keep it inside and not talk about it. i tend to get myself overwhelmed, stressed, and i have let a lot of my insecurities and mental health in general get the best of me. i realized i wasn’t putting myself first and prioritizing what i need and what will help me in the long run. so with that being said, i’m going to try and make more time for myself without stressing myself out while still being able to write and post my works. just not as much as i have been, and not stress myself out over it and worry too much. easier said than done, but i am trying to take the necessary steps to the right direction. i’m in therapy and i’m working towards loving myself again.

thank you to everyone for being here for me while i work on myself and for everyone who has supported me along the way. it’s not a goodbye, or see you later. it’s a… i’m going to just do what i can, when i can and hope for the best. please be patient with me while i navigate this time in my life. i appreciate you all more than you know.

prioritizing yourself and your mental health is sooooo important and i think i lost sight of that. i’m trying my best to be the absolute best i can be and i want to communicate with you all as much as possible.

i love you guys and i hope that you remember how loved, important, and special you all are to me, and to many others. you’re never alone, i promise. my messages/inbox is always opened if you ever need someone. 💜

-nessa ღ

[dat-physics-gal]

A leap of faith and Physics (part 2)

Now that we knew how to find the crystals, the scientific community was tense. Itching to do something with them.

One paper had just unveiled a method of propulsion using the tachyon background and directed linear resonance chirping. The tachyon background, as it turned out, is self organizing. Unlike the tardionic world we were used to, entropy actually decreases over there. There is a natural tachyon base frequency, one so high that they travel really slowly. That's also weird about tachyons, how the more energy they have, the slower they move. But we knew that part beforehand.

Anyway, the paper outlined how to use a subharmonic of that base frequency, that could slowly be chirped in one direction to one harmonic lower, which would generate physical thrust on the tardium crystal used for chirping. Only problem was that once the frequency arrived at the new subharmonic, the tachyons decayed into their base frequency, completely stopping the propulsion. This stopping effect, though detrimental to the experimental setup in terms of having broken it multiple times, begged the question though: Since it stopped, momentum isn't conserved, despite motion happening.

Just half a year later, some madlad had designed an actual engine based on that concept, that should in theory exceed the speed of light. To be fair, the tardium crystals did that, for a couple attoseconds. Unfortunately for the rest of the prototype, normal matter doesn't appreciate being moved at superluminal speeds, and therefore broke apart when the craft approached the light barrier.

Despite that setback, people kept on theorizing and engineering. Then, two years later, Star Trek came to the rescue again. A research group posited that they could make a 'structural integrity field' by sprinkling microscopic tardium crystals into the steel and ceramic of the hull, and engineering a tachyon field that would keep them at a constant distance relative to the drive crystals. Ten months later, and a tiny prototype did what we thought to be impossible: For 24 milliseconds, it traveled at about 1.000000001c, and it came out of this experience unharmed. However, the sharp drop from superluminal to low subluminal speeds did de-tune the structural integrity field. Unless we got someone to board the vessel and re-tune it after every drop from superluminal, this wasn't going to work out. Especially because the chirp would not last all that long.

Now that the principle was proven, though, the engineers and mining crews took over. While the former slaved over engine and hull designs, the latter set up multiple extra bases along the asteroid belt, undulation mining all the tardium crystals they could get their metaphorical hands on. They were tiny, but since we needed most of them for the integrity field anyway, that wasn't a problem. What was harder was finding good, sufficiently large drive crystals.

Meanwhile, the engineers had settled on a design that was, for some reason, a flying saucer. They explained that they needed three or more engines to run at the same time all the time, to be able to adjust course. And also have more than that so some could be stopped, reset, and be ready to chirp again before the active ones were done. Therefore, at six points radially along the saucer, there were 2cm sized drive crystals which would propel the craft. They would be working on three cycles, while one pair was resetting, the other two pairs would be actively propelling the vessel. This way, continuous propulsion could be achieved. And the integrity field would not need to be re-tuned every couple milliseconds.

For low subluminal speeds, the engines didn't actually require the integrity field to be active. This had the advantage, that the vessel could be contacted. Because as prototyping quickly revealed, as soon as the integrity field was up, communications were all blocked in their entirety.

But, well, after 5 more years of prototyping and biological compatibility testing, the first starship was deemed spaceworthy and safe for humans to be on the inside of. Turned out that as long as the hull integrity field was up, the inside of the craft needed no further cautions, and you could float around in it like normal. The field itself didn't even extend much further inside beyond the outer hull. Though, when the field was down, you would experience the g-forces of the drive, which sounds bad, but actually made for some handy way to produce artificial gravity during the ascent from the surface. Once the field was up, the magnetic boots of the uniforms anchored you to the floor. Or you could grab onto two handles and anchor yourself that way.

We would love to have made a bigger ship than we did, but unfortunately, the Enterprise (because of course they named it that) was limited by the amount of available large tardium crystals for the drive. So we deemed its first mission to be getting some more. Trade for them, get permission to mine them, whatever, we just needed some larger ones.

As for now, the enterprise had just one deck in the wider saucer, but 3 in the middle, which was bulbed out for no discernible reason i could find, other than to make it look like a proper UFO. And maybe to house the living quarters for the crew of 45 brave explorers. And also to transport back more tardium in the cargo hold, located smack dab in the middle of the ship.

We sent a request for the isocoordinates of the closest civilization to us over vibromessage, and after receiving them, we gave the go ahead.

We however forgot to take into account that due to the message blocking of the structural field, we could no longer send our friends in the Andromeda galaxy any messages. Nor could we check in with the Enterprise, as it would be in the tachyon slipstream continuously, so as not to need to re-tune the integrity field as often. Because that takes a while each time.

So for 30 long years after the sendoff, we didn't know anything. We didn't waste that time, but with so much of our supply of crystals built into that ship, we needed a while to even start on other experiments. And the first thing we did was to upgrade the control network for the dyson collectors. I say first thing, as if we finished that project quickly, when in reality it took us 2 of those 3 decades. The last decade was pretty calm. Humanity had endured so much excitement, that the new generation now pushed to refocus on our culture. So, now that the collectors were precise enough, we finally began to enact our long awaited plan to terraform Mars. But that would take about a century in total, so it wasn't like there was much daily excitement to be had about that.

Then, thirty years and 5 months after launch, at 0:1 PFJ, we received a vibromessage from Andromeda. Enterprise had made it.

Quickly thereafter, the prime administrator called me, demanding to be connected to the tachyon network at once, now that comms were open once more.

I didn't really watch the negotiations that followed, but to make a long story short, our wayward crew was allowed to mine asteroids in the system of the aliens for tardium, so long as the aliens got a 40/60 cut. They themselves admitted to being unable to mine them by themselves, so they gave us the lion's share.

For the domestic scientists, this meant the reserves of tardium were opened more to experiments, as more was on the way soon-ish.

This resulted in the discovery of how the tachyons decayed into their base frequency, or vacuum state, if you will. We knew that in tardium, the tachyons directly couple with the phonons, which are the vibrational excitation modes. However, in vacuum, when coupling with themselves in order to decay into a higher frequency, the excitation was mitigated by an elongation of the surrounding spacetime in turn. We had finally found the explaination for the expansion of the universe: Whenever tardium gets excited and tachyons of non-base frequencies are sent out, their decay mode stretches the universe. Or, well, it stretches spacetime, with isospace being left unaffected. Our drive tech basically anchors the vessel to isospace anyway, so even if the universe keeps expanding, we can still visit everyone we want with the first drive we made. But... negative spacial curvature was something we wanted to achieve for centuries. And now, we were able to!

With this discovery, the engineers went back to work to try to make this into a method of propulsion as well. This necessitated a name for our first, working engine, which we decided to call the slipstream drive. This was fairly intuitive of a name, as the vessel would couple to isospace instead of regular spacetime, where it would be carried by the pressure of the tachyon field on one side, while the chirpers destructively interfered with it on the other side. Thus essentially creating a slipstream pocket in the front, into which the tachyon pressure would continuously push the vessel.

Speaking of names, the newly conceived drive was uncreatively christened the warp drive. To be fair, it was pretty much exactly what a warp drive in pop-culture had been. Except, turns out, it didn't work that easily. The warp prototypes at the moment had small drive crystals. And so, their warp fields collapsed fairly rapidly, due to unwanted resonance we couldn't shunt away. No prototype even managed to break the warp 1 barrier yet, though they did achieve fairly decent sublight speeds. And, interestingly, they could still be communicated with via tachyon message. This was due to the fact that they worked on the opposite principle of comm-arrays. Where communications needed to stay stable over vast distances, the warp drive needed the tachyons to rapidly decay into the ground state in order to achieve propulsion. Anyway, as exciting as the warp drives were, in terms of actual propulsion, they weren't all that revolutionary.

The theoretical development of better, more efficient slipstream drives on the other hand flourished. Once Enterprise got back, the engineers were confident that the next trip to Andromeda could be tackled in about a month or two, with the new engine design. Maybe three, if some unforeseen hazards appeared.

-------------------------------

The high council of Krg didn't really know how to react to the news of the Humans' arrival.

Nobody could wrap their minds around how they got here. Or really why. Well, they stated that they wanted to mine the asteroids in the star system for tardium, but why they came to the surface was beyond the council's understanding.

They had to wear thick, bulky suits, with gas containers for respiration, as Krg didn't have an atmosphere. To even get to our habitats, we had to open one of the pressure doors, which we normally use to get to the surface whenever we want to access the telescopes. It was such a strange feeling, letting something else then a Krgian crawl through our living spaces. Usually when that happened, the intruder was some kind of pest, which we quickly drove out.

The Humans had trouble with the steepness of some of our tunnels, but they still insisted they come down here. Our multitude of locomotive limbs allows our kind to easily traverse these tunnels, but that didn't mean the Humans didn't manage. When we thought it would be too steep for them to follow us, they unveiled a rope and pulley system, which they used to hoist themselves down along the wall. Ingenious!

Though i couldn't help but ask: "Are you sure you can get back up?"

The lead human, furthest down the rope turned its head, and replied: "Yeah, easily. The gravity here is so much lower compared to Earth, it will be a cakewalk. Ah, sorry, human expression, what i meant was it will be a simple matter. To be honest, i am more worried about the light."

Light? "Oh right, you Humans have sensory organs that require light." I had forgotten about that, but supposed it made sense for surface dwellers such as them.

"Yes, we can't see much down here with our measly flashlights."

"What is a flashlight?"

"A portable light source, which can be directed into a specific direction. But in tunnels like these, in the dark, i can see why your species has evolved vibrational senses first and foremost."

"You are familiar with them?"

The Human made noise that sounded as if it had trouble with respiration. "Yes. We have lots of life forms on Earth that have whiskers like yours. Not even all of which live in tunnels. Some live together with us."

This surprised me. "There is another intelligent species on your planet?"

"No." came the swift reply.

"Ah, a pet then. Or is it livestock?"

"No, cats are pets. Though jury's out on who's domesticated whom."

I wanted to ask for clarification, but we had arrived at my workstation.

"We are here," i announced to the humans, opening the hatch. "You may enter."

"Whoa. Is that? A tardium crystal?" The third Human in line extended their forelimb toward one of the array crystals. "It is gigantic!"

Appraising the crystal, it was only about one and a half body lengths of the Humans. "It is for a communications array, after all. Though it is not the largest single crystal we have," i informed them.

"If the boys back home saw that, they'd be foaming at the mouth, you know that?"

"Isn't mouth foaming a bad sign?" I wasn't sure about all the intricacies of Human biology, i was a communication officer after all, not a biologist.

"It would be, if that wasn't just an expression. Sorry, i keep forgetting that idioms require context that you don't have. May we use the array to send a message back home? Our vessel is only equipped with a short range communication grid."

Another human whispered something i think i wasn't supposed to hear, but could clearly: "ET phone home." It was said in English, which i was rusty in, so i didn't know what it meant. We had been conversing in basic so far.

Of course, i agreed to let them use it. They proceeded to turn their heads in many different positions, but didn't go to the controls.

"Is something wrong?" i asked.

"We have no idea how to work this thing."

Oh. I went over to the vibromotor-controls, and softly brushed the control crystal. Brushing the harmony for communication with Earth, the vibromotors undulated, configuring the array crystals into the correct alignment.

The Humans then initiated a small scale communication from their own limited range communicator, which i configured the array to pick up and amplify, then transmit toward Earth. On the side, i used internal communications to call the council of elders up here, who to my surprise agreed to come right away. Only two millirotations later, they crawled up the side entrances, their chitin softness dampening their approach to a respectably low volume.

At the same time, the communications array was picking up a response, from the leader of Earth.

"Shall we leave the leaders to their decision?" one of the Humans asked me.

"Probably." i responded. We made our way outside the cavern.

"Do you have a water reservoir here somewhere?" one of the Humans requested. "We need to refill our oxygen supply, but we have electrolyzers and hydrogen fusers in the ship. So if you could spare a couple tons of water, that would really help us."

I had no idea what half these words meant, but lead them to a communal pressure well. We use those to transport cargo from the lower levels, but we had more than enough liquid water to spare. A couple tons were nothing.

After a trip back to the surface, hauling some metallic objects down the tunnels, the humans went to work. Why they were using construction material was beyond me, but soon, a rythmic hum came from one of the devices.

"Fusion in 3. 2. 1. Fusing now," one of them announced, having connected a soft pipe from one device to the other.

"What exactly is it that you are doing?" i inquired.

"Electro-chemically splitting the water into hydrogen and oxygen, then using the hydrogen for the fusion reactor, which in turn powers the electrolyzer."

"I have no idea what any of that means," i admitted.

The Humans turned their heads to one another for a moment, then back to me.

"We're using a machine, or two machines rather, to make breathable gas out of the water."

"Oh, so you breathe water vapor?"

"No. But we can make what we breathe out of water. We don't just vaporize it. I don't think i can properly explain chemistry or electrolysis right now. We don't have the time for that."

"Don't we have plenty, while the negotiations are underway?" i inquired.

"If you think they will take multiple cycles, then maybe. But i thought it would only be a few rotations, right?"

It takes multiple cycles to explain?

What?

Just what is up with these Humans?

...to be honest, i kind of wanted to find out for myself at this point. Maybe, just maybe, they would allow me to travel back to Earth with them. I didn't have a clutch of eggs to care for, nor a mate. Which hadn't exactly bothered me, but it did mean i had nothing holding me here. Except for the now obsolete thought that i couldn't go to any other civilization.

Hello, Author here. I am sorry to say this, but this is probably the last thing i write for this world. ADHD refuses to let me do such a sustained project. If any of you want to write something in this setting i created, though, be sure to run it by me to see if it fits the setting. Also, if anyone has a cool idea what to call this worldbuilding/setting/universe, feel free to send me an ask with a suggestion, i'll edit the tags so we can find stuff written in that setting later on.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

BIRTHDAY HAUL courtesy of a very lovely friend of mine 🥺

bonus goofy pics of a bday snack i had earlier with my favorite menace …..

[presiding]

What is your favourite thing about Billie Lurk?

(Answers are obvious possibly but i love when people talk about her👍)

thanks for the ask!! YEAH ME TOO I love when people talk about Billie! I can't say I have a favourite thing specifically, but I can explain why she's my fav. apologies for not taking this qn literally, but -

short answer: she’s really cool

& you can stop reading there, or, for the maybe 2 mutuals who might have time to read this my thoughts on her as a character, her meta, and her character as raw potential...

long answer:

i considered making this entire thing a gush so you could read a gush about Billie. but, part of what draws me to her is that she’s not always well written, and in fandom she’s underrated for a literal protagonist.

since you ask...

billie is a cool character

when I played Dh2 (hadn't played Dh1), I was excited to see a black woman with disabilities who was captaining a massive ship by herself. wow.

then I discovered Billie’s backstory with Deirdre, the way she responded to that, then having to survive while living on the run, and her bisexuality. as well as her history with daud & delilah. fascinating!

she’s an outsider who has so much to lose, and knows what it's like to lose everything - having lost everything not once but three times - but nevertheless speaks truth to power. she's so brave! she went and helped Emily & Corvo and she must have known they might kill her! plus, she’s smart, she’s funny, she gets shit done, she’s gorgeous.

but... the meta

mild critique of fandom & arkane incoming.

skip this bit if you want - you've been warned twice now - jump to tired Hayao Miyazaki and read from there if you'd like my thoughts on writing her.

i thought Death of the Outsider was going to be amazing and then... well. *sad trombone* i've written about that before so i won't keep banging on. i figured others must be disappointed too, so I joined a few fandom spaces in hopes of finding camaraderie.

most people with complaints about DotO didn’t like how the Outsider and Daud were handled. which is valid & I agree. but it seemed like most paid no attention to Billie; when people talk about her it’s with respect to Daud, as opposed to in her own right. you could argue for fandom misogyny because people don’t talk about adult Emily Kaldwin that much either, but in Billie's case, it’s misogynoir (compare & contrast with the popularity of thomas, particularly the popularity of thomas portrayed as a white man for no particular reason that i've been able to discern - i keep asking around, is it in the books???).

i think this is a LOT better now than it used to be, which is fantastic. or perhaps i have found the correct echo-chamber? ha.

ultimately, The Fandom is a fraction of the entire picture, and not even the important bit since The Fandom is not who these games are made for. you can't make money relying on only your hardcore fans even if all of them spent a fortune on merch, this is true for any AAA game.

while it's true that Billie is underrated from a fandom perspective - but Billie as an underwritten protagonist is squarely Arkane’s fault.

it was reasonable when she was a side character - the lack of info in Dh2 makes perfect sense (if anything there was more lore in Dh2 which is kind of wild)-

- but as a protagonist in Death of the Outsider?

.... there’s lousy writing, and there’s whatever is going on with Billie Lurk, a black woman who mostly exists as a foil or saviour for light-skinned characters. In her own game there’s barely any of her own lore except where it's relevant to saving two dudes.

lore hints at, but barely touches on what race means in the Dh universe (xenophobia is stronger in Dh1; separate essay i guess), but Arkane has patted themselves on the back for portraying non-white characters, which feels like the same thing as the aesthetic of diversity we're seeing in advertising currently because it’s in marketing trend guides. it's self-congratulatory and it's a missed opportunity for deeper storytelling.

you can see an example of diversity at its most shallow in the way that Billie’s written: there’s little engagement with her as an entire person with history & wants & preferences, and the world she walks through in that game feels like it has nothing to do with her. you could make a case for alienation as a theme, but then, how do you handle the titular premise of 'Dishonored' without ever letting Billie make changes in an environment without a chaos system? it's disappointing from that angle too.

in my opinion, whatever it's worth, it was an accident Arkane created such an awesome character - they needed someone to betray daud. congrats billie.

all this said, it makes her an underdog as far as characters to enjoy & create art & stories for. it's nice to find so many like-minded, switched on people! <3

billie's character potential

she’s got a wealth of unexplored lore, being deeply intertwined with both Karnaca & Dunwall’s fates & criminal underbellies, as well as her connections to the witches & whalers, and three Empresses.

she’s lived a few distinct lifetimes and in the games we get to meet her at two peaks (KoD & DotO) & a low (Dh2 as Meagan).

her voice is very distinct, her dry & often dark humour is entertaining & fun to write. her perspective is really interesting - she’s had the widest variety of void-powers of anyone canonically, and she’s also lived through the highest highs and lowest lows.

she's got everything going for her :) i couldn't really pick a fav thing!

[thegoldenhoof]

I think about this interview a lot.

I think about how Jenkins thinks queer romances end up tragic/unrequited.

How these queer romantic characters deserve a happy ending.

How he gave this as an answer to the question about the death of the one character whose arc was very much queer and very much not romantic.

Its great to be able to see yourself in fairytale romances.

It would be still more amazing if those of us for whom romance was not in the picture and probably will never be could see our fantastical queer happy endings too....

But of course... How could you possibly tell happy queer stories without romance. Being queer is all about Love is Love after all /s

[coffeeastronaut]

got mad about the portrayal of adoption in media again. 10 dead 50 injured

[wispwatched]

HELLO HI I live, I swear! friendly reminder to look at my muses page before interacting, thank you! it will tell you who is or can be a Rook, as well as you know. general character information. also my rules ?? its on this blogs pinned post, that one.

[mul71v3r53-is]

6 years of creating <3 happy birthday BB and Rasp!!

[loverboyfae]

is there any version of the jekyll and hyde story that's good? lemme know

[keeps-ache]

ggghhg i hate vehiclessssssss ghghghhghhhhh [dies dies dies forever]

[james-p-sullivan]

how would you define writers block?