#i kno that this is prolly not what was wanted but i felt the Need to Demonstrate her lows. did this in one sittin i was gettin So fed up 🙏

[spotsupstuff]

Does tarrows and boreas relationship ever recover?

doctor says it has to, so suppose it will

[acourtofthought]

I was pretty indifferent toward Elain’s character and then at some point the ship wars made me a bit annoyed of her (not the characters fault) which was crazy bc I never truly disliked her. But I still felt like I didn’t know her no matter how much ppl explained her character. So… after having a good mental break from the internet I came back to see if anyone could analyze her character in a way that made sense to me & wasn’t repetitive or preachy. I just… didn’t want fandom nonsense to affect how I felt about a character, esp one who I knew nothing about (and when it’s regarding a ship bc that’s just worse, not to mention v silly!)

Anyway, I came across your blog (and other eluciens) and it has helped me see her character in a way that might not be so easy to notice at first, esp for casual readers (formerly me). It felt like I only ever saw one explanation for why she behaves/reacts a certain way but your blog gives a very diff perspective and I love that bc I couldn’t see it at first. If only I’d ventured out of my gwynriel blogs into elucien blogs back then! I wouldn’t call myself a “Stan” but I do like her very much! And it’s gotten to the point where I now get annoyed when ppl make the same claims about her that i used to think, or they say what’s been said about her for forever. In my head I’m like, “but you don’t know the half of it!” Also, not to mention the fact that it is 100% true that female characters have to “work” a lot harder to be forgiven for even the smallest things and that is absolutely not okay. And idc if it’s a female character (in general) I don’t really like— i still wouldn’t be okay with that.

I’d say biggest thing I got out of your blog (and others) is that I gained a certain amnt of respect for her. And i kno it will only go up for me when her book is out. That was honestly prolly my biggest struggle with her character in the beginning. Her being quiet or enjoying gardening wasn’t a problem to me (although I did wish she’d speak her mind every once in awhile). It was more like.. “Idk what I can respect about her, at least not yet” esp with the comparisons to gwyn. But this is absolutely NOT true for me anymore. I’m finally able to see her outer AND INNER beauty!

I’m so glad though that now I can love both ladies without feeling like they’re up against each other. So thank you!!

Btw the more I think about it the more I’m like.. she reminds me a bit of Penelope from Bridgerton (who I love) so I’m very interested to see her character arc!

Sending lots of love 🫶

Thank you for this message!!! ❤️

It's one of my favorite things to hear, that people that were really not fans of Elain's have come around to her a bit after something I or others might have said.

She's definitely not been as bold as the other FMC SJM has written about and if you like SJMs books, I can understand how that'll turn some people off.

And while she'll never be 100% like Feyre or Nesta or Aelin, you see the little hints that she's already much more than she currently looks to be in the NC.

And I think that's the issue I have with how some view Elain. To them, the thing that makes her happiest is to be gardening and cooking / baking / serving the IC. Where her purpose is to spend her days reassuring Azriel that he's not a big bad man, that he just needs a little love to be the soft gentle boy she knows him as.

And that Elain is horrific to me. I don't read SJM to read about a heroine who's purpose revolves around being a housewife to the male.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a housewife but I'm realistic about what fantasy books with a female POV are about and that's not the point of these kinds of story's. I want to see her grow and become a force to be reckoned with. I don't want her to take a backseat to Azriel, there to make him feel worthy and to tag along for his spy / torture sessions when we get zero hints that's what she wants.

Time will tell but I really hope SJM proves to E/riels that Elain is more than a character used to serve others. A character deserving to have a greater purpose than spending her days reassuring Az over and over that he's not a big bad male whose touch will taint her "immaculate skin". A character deserving of her journey to be told on page and not something that's apparently happened in someone else's book (friends already found, already in love).

[linearao3]

Challenge prompt for February; Rey and Ben are texting each other filthy things to rile each other up before they get home to do said filthy things to each other

The prompt does not explicitly specify, but I have derived from, uh, context clues, that this is intended, like the last anonymous prompt, for the Rey and Ben of Kohelet 3:16, in their LA life.  And that is what I have delivered.  Doing the text formatting I did in the story proper is kind of exhausting on Tumblr, so you will have to figure out who is typing from their style.  (When I answered the prompt on Friday night, I was like, “This is probably among the dirtiest things I’ve ever written.”  But I may have topped myself?)

i miss u

Oh, you do, do you?

I’ve heard that one before.

yeah u have

so u know what i mean

You mean you miss my mouth on your cunt.

oh I miss lots of things

but yeah now that u mention it…

its a very nice mouth

Yes, well, I’m extremely busy clerking, so you’ll just have to wait.

ben. we both know how good u are @ waiting.

But we’re talking about YOU waiting.

uh huh

u kno i went to work in just a camisole today

it’s too hot out for bras

if I get too turned on someone might notice

Rey.

but ur busy clerking so i guess im just gonna have to finish out the day like this

REY I AM ACTUALLY BUSY CLERKING

but ur answering ur texts

I’m going to stop now. I’m going to put my phone in my bag on silent and read this brief.

ben if i come to ur office wd you fuck me in a bathroom?

if u came to mine we have this nice supply closet full of snacks

u cd have fruit leather AND get ur dick sucked

sounds fun right??

sounds fun to me

i love it when im sucking ur cock and u start pushing ur hips

like u cant help it

like u need it

does it feel good?

fucking my mouth like that?

i love it when u pull my hair and make me take ur cock

oh u cn def see my nips thru my shirt ben

someone’s gonna walk by and see and think code compiling makes me hot

or maybe they’ll think

oh she’s prolly texting her bf i bet he fucks her good

bet shes a dirty little slut for him

bet shes wet right now just thinking about the sounds he makes when she gets on her knees and sucks him off

shdnt a brief be short ben its called a brief

I’m not your boyfriend. And “good” doesn’t apply to what I’m going to do to you when I get home, Rey.

u kno thats how i like it

Yes; I know just how you like it.

you do. 

I would have anyway. You didn’t have to go through all this. All you have to do is ask nicely, once, when we’re both home.

i AM asking nicely.

arent i?

oh shd i say please?

Yes. You should. You have no manners.

PLEASE show me what happens to dirty little sluts with no manners

Rey.

sir.

Fuck.

You murderous little bitch, you’re going to kill me.

dont die ben

if u die i might have to fuck someone else, and they wouldn’t be as good

English lacks vocabulary to express how evil you are.

but i only want u

because ur my favorite and i love you best

You daughter of Lilith.

I’m going to make you scream.

lol guess what

What, Rey.

delays on the expo line

im still downtown

u at home yet?

I wouldn’t be texting you if I were driving.

a safe driver AND a nice cock what a husband i have

She knows Ben’s going to be waiting for her just inside the door and he is. He grabs her from behind, her keys still jingling in her hand. “You filthy little brat,” he breathes in her ear, as his right hand moves slowly over the curve of her hip and his left one draws her close. “You made me blush in front of a federal judge. I had to tell her you’d sent me a compliment.”

“I did.” She works her hips against his stiffening cock. “I sent you lots of compliments.”

“You sent me pornography.” Rey wasn’t lying about having forgone a bra. It’s hot; the AC’s on but he has his sleeves rolled up above his elbows. Both his hands come up to toy with her breasts, kneading and teasing. “You sent me a lot of texts about sucking my cock.”

“Oh,” she says. “Did those catch your interest?”

“Get on your fucking knees,” he says, but she can’t; he’s holding her too tightly against him. She tries to pull away, to show him that she can’t do what he says, but he only strengthens his grip and grinds into her.

“You like it?” he asks her. “You like sucking your husband’s cock? Like a good little slut?”

“Not good.” She turns her head, trying to kiss his jaw, his neck. “Naughty. Dirty. Bad.” She licks him, the rough, shaven skin of his neck. It makes her feel like an animal, but she doesn’t care; she can be an animal with him.

“You are bad,” he agrees, “you’re so bad you make me crazy. So bad you make me cry.” He kisses her. His lips are so soft; his tongue is so subtle. “But you look so good with my cock in your mouth.” He loosens his grip and turns her in his arms so he can kiss her more thoroughly. “Show me, Rey.”

She likes to tease him, draw out playing with his belt while she smiles up at him, but he has no patience for that now; she isn’t even on the floor before he has his cock out and one hand on her head. She purses her lips at the head of his cock and takes him into her mouth slowly, stroking him lightly with her tongue. He almost staggers, his other hand grasping her shoulder to keep his balance as he buckles with pleasure.

Their apartment is small, without much empty space; it only takes a little shove from her to have him against the arm of the couch. He leans on it and looks down at her as she works at him with her hands and her mouth. He sighs brokenly before he can gather himself to whisper to her. “Yes. Fuck. Look at you.” She turns her head slightly, looks up at him. His eyes are wide, dazed, staring at her; after only a moment he groans and throws his head back, as if meeting her gaze was too much for him. His hand strokes blindly, clumsily at her hair.

His hips are beginning to make the small, pleading thrusts Rey’d texted him about. She slides her mouth off his cock and stoops a little to take one of his balls in her mouth. His hand clenches on her head and his moan is almost a sob as she sucks gently, then moves to the other with a pop of suction. His free hand clenches on the scratchy felt of the couch. She licks up a drop of pre-come, and puts his cock between her lips again. The taste of him goes so perfectly with the smell of him; she bobs her head at a leisurely, savoring pace, and reaches down to rub herself through her jeans.

He hisses at her, and drags her off him by her hair, ignoring her noises of protest. He turns her around again, unbuttoning her pants, as he pushes her against the arm of the couch. “I know how you like it.” He yanks her pants and underwear to her knees and pushes lightly on her shoulder blades; she falls eagerly. “I know just how you like it. And I am going to make you scream, aren’t I?”

“Yes,” she says into the cushions, and then his fingers are inside her, flexing, beckoning, while the tip of his thumb settles just shy of her clit, pulling at the hood without ever touching the pearl, and Rey groans and twists and kicks her legs helplessly, but his fingers are relentless and her groans become small, aching cries.

Then his other hand closes in her hair, pulling her back into an arch, and she knows what’s coming; he pulls his fingers out of her, and her body, which must have no sense of self-preservation, clenches down as he pushes his cock in. She screams around the wet fingers he thrusts into her mouth as he fucks her, bracing himself against the couch, and he does know just how she likes it; she likes it just like this, just like he gives it to her, her forearms burning where they rub against the felt, her back tight as a bow, and her hips driven into the arm of the couch as he rides her.

“Such a bad girl.” He’s so deep inside her. She ruts back against him frantically; she’s mad with pleasure; she’s an animal in his arms and he will keep her with him. “Don’t I give you what you want?”

“Yes,” she cries. Fuck – fuck – she’s so close. “I need it.”

“You do,” he agrees. “Look at you. Ah. You do.” And he fucks her even harder, until she comes, gasping and thrashing and screaming, again.

The instant she’s quieted down, he pulls out of her and drags her backwards; she isn’t sure if he wants her on her knees or on her back, and she ends up half-slumped against the couch with his left hand in her hair and his right jerking furiously at his cock.

“You wanted to see,” he grits. “Want to see what happens – to dirty little sluts – with no manners?”

“Yes,” she says, “yes, please.”

His jaw is clenched; his hand on her head is clenched. “Call me sir.”

“Please, sir,” she begs, and he drags her close and comes on her face in hot, shocking spurts, choking and groaning above her.

He sways and falls to his knees, cradling her face in his hands, with a stunned look, like he’s bewitched, like he can’t believe what he sees. Then he falls again, backwards, onto the floor, taking her with him, clutched to his chest. “Rachel,” he says, and she can feel it in her bones, the way his deep voice is torn from his chest. “Rachel.”

They lie there on the floor, still half-dressed, soaked with sweat and come, and she hears his heart, like hers, begin to slow. Around the edges of the blinds, the sun is still warm, and the AC hums from the bedroom. His fingers run through her hair, catching on tangles he’s put there himself. They will get up; he will carry her (if she lets him) into the shower, and he’ll wash her carefully, rubbing the soap in thorough, soothing circles, repeating variations on her name, Rey, Rachel, Ruchele. Shaina maidle, habibati, dodi. They will put on clothes again, and order a pizza, or he’ll run down the street to the taco truck on Venice. But for now they just lie here, and she feels him shift, and tells him what he wants to know before he can ask it.

“You are still my favorite,” she says, and kisses his hand, “and I still love you best.”

[magicaltacopiemuffin]

Please excuse my rant you don't have ti read if u don't want to u prolly shouldn't read this but I need to put it sumwhere please skip it..

Why? Why do I have to lose her? Why do I have ti lose tha best person to ever walk into my life ah literally fucking angel. She helped me so fucking much without even knowing it. And why do I have ti lose just cuz sumone is mad that they didn't treat her tha way she deserved? I did. I treated as best I could and yet I still have to watch her walk away. Who else is going to treat her tha way I did? Who else is going to count her smiles who else is going to say yes ma'am to everything she says because she definitely deserves that respect. Who else is going to do literally everything in their power for her and ask for nothing but loyalty and support from her? I don't deserve this. I love this girl. I love this girl so fucking much. And I can't even explain why I feel so strong for her. I just do. I just kno when I'm with her everything feels okie. I have never felt that way. Tha way she makes me feel is so different sumthing noone has been able to make me feel. I don't want to lose her. I'm not gonna become suicidal or anything I'm gonna keep on moving forward. But tha man she got to know no longer exists. This heartbreak was to much. It was tha last amount of trust I had to give. Ion understand how our relationship could be so happy and so good and yet end like this. Nothing was wrong or atkeast I thought nothing was wrong. I thought I treated her good I thought she was happy wit me. She would tell me she is madly in love with me. How can sumthing so blissful end like this. Ah part of me really wishes that when she comes back in sum months or years or however long this is going to take that she just can't get rid of those feelings for me. That they all come right back and she realizes tha she will always be in love with me. But im scared if that happens she will just run away for ever. So idk what I truly wish. I just wish he wouldn't act like this. Ik we hurt him but it doesn't mean he gets to take it out on his daughter. Why should she lose her mother because he is mad? This is situation is so hard for me. FUCK

[jeonginsdimple]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*soft bias tag*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

okay so i was tagged for this about five times i swear but they’re so deep in my notifs that i Can’t remember who tagged me and im too lazy to look but whoever u are i love u with all of my heart thank u it’s like this tag was made 4 me i am such a soft stan

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 1. Who is your bias?

g o d not this question. i’ll do jeongin bc he probably owns the most uwus of mine

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 2. What made you notice them?

hm.... honestly his b o y s sweater in hellevator was the first thing i saw HJDSHJS i was like “wow.......... that’s...... kinda gay also he’s really cute” but if i’m being completely honest he got such little screen time + lines i couldn’t tell whether he was a part of the group. later on when i looked up their profiles and i saw him i screeched he rly stole my heart very very early on. before i watched the show i kept thinking abt how excited i was to see more of him on screen PFF

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 3. What’s your favorite thing about them?

okay uhhhh u must be the Biggest Bool around if you think im going to name one thing anyway here’s my eight page essay--

fr ok i was going to list some things but i started writing about the first one and it’s too much i’m just going to keep that LMAO

his deep heart is something i think about a lot. i have to admit that i didn’t start watching the show until around when the fifth episode? came out. beforehand i had seen a clip from the fourth episode where jeongin had been practicing for school life, and he started admitting all of his struggles n insecurities n everything (the clip is called ‘jeongin is tired’ or something to that effect on youtube). anyway that was the first thing about stray kids i ever cried about! i sobbed so hard watching that y’all i felt like the Largest Clown around crying alone in my room sobbing over some boy that doesn’t know me PFF. watching him work so hard and worry so much about everything made my heart ache so bad hdsfsjkfdsjk especially since about .2 seconds before watching that clip i had seen a few people hating on him on twitter (which is why stan twt is inferior! too much hate tbh). i think it was at that moment, even if i wasn’t fully aware at the time since i hadn’t seen enough of them, that i really fell in love with jeongin anyway this is getting Too Soft god i’m moving on

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 4. Who would initiate skinship more?

ME HAHA WHAT KIND OF QUESTION-- have y’all seen that boy he’s like a metal rod when it comes to skinship. there’s this one video where minho’s doing a little pat pat 2 jeongin u kno nd he was STIFF AS HELL it was so funny. i’m so annoying and touchy i’d be attached to that boy deadass like some kind of leech he couldn’t get rid of me if he tried. trying 2 sleep? too bad Big Fool! suddenly i am Your Pillow

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 5. Who would hog blankets more?

hm............ well usually i’d say me because i get cold way too fast, but tbh if it was in a situation where i was laying w jeongin??? i’d let myself contract hypothermia and die he can have it

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 6. Who would be more clingy?

i kind of covered this already but 100% me y’all i’m so loud when it comes to being clingy. i’d be around him all the damb time if i had the chance fr

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 7. Who would say ‘I love you’ first?

also me i say i love you way too much. like on a more serious (kind of) note i sometimes worry that i say it to the point where it loses its meaning. i feel like that i should sometimes find other things to say because if there comes a time where someone really needs to hear “i love you” and they can’t believe me because of all of the casual times i’ve said it i’ll probably hate myself lmao. but that’s not important anyway in this situation i’d probably tell this loser i love him every time he came into my line of sight

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･  8. Who would be more easily flustered?

honestly ion know prob both? idk i’m such a loser and i get embarrassed so easy but @ the same time jeongin seems like he sucks at receiving attention without dying. so probably both depending on the situation

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 9. What cuddling position would you two have?

i am Embarrassed writing this but whatever i’ll just go 4 it. so i really love cuddling. like a Lot. also i have to take into account that i am Large and about two inches taller than jeongin. anyway i’d almost always prob be the Big Boy when cuddling. like i’d be wrapped around him in any way i could be. literally every position would be the one.......... if i wanted to give an example tho y’all know the vliev photoshoot that skz had........... the position that hyunjin n woojin were in? i’m hyunjin and jeongin is woojin that’s just how it is

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 10. Which colours remind you of them and why?

black bc he’s edgy uwu (no he’s not but for some reason black usually comes to mind......... it’s my favorite color tho so uhhh correlation) also pastel pink bc he’s so sweet and it’s like The soft color and i am Soft for him

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 12. Which season would you like to spend with them?

winter bc 1: his birthday uwu i’d spoil the fuck out of that boy with my 7 dollars and 2: so many kinship opportunities bc of the cold i’d live 4 it. plus there could b like........ hot chocolate and stuff wowow

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 13. Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

hm........... i like baking....... so i’d prolly bake n jeongin would snatch the batter and i would absolutely Not be angry that boy owns my heart and he can own that batter too

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 14. Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

ok i’d make so many bad puns every chance i got. fr give him incentive to smarten up and get the fuck away from my annoying ass

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 15. Who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

hhhhhh probably me. like i can’t recall any specific time that jeongin’s even talked abt animals. even tho i’m wildly allergic 2 both (but i have two of each rn i’m not weak y’all can fight me) i’d force him to get AT LEAST one dog with me

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 16. Which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen try to microwave a pop tart and who would come to the rescue?

okay i would definitely be the one burning shit down i have literally burnt mac n cheese. i may b able to bake but once it comes to anything that involves an appliance that isn’t an oven i’m screwed

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 17. Who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back?

that boy would lean over a railing on like the twentieth floor deadass “owo whats this” and i’d barrel across the room breaking the sound barrier in the process to save that boy i’m way too nervous all the time

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 18. What would watching a horror film with them be like?

ok well i for one enjoy a good Spook. if it’s like..... real scary tho i’m a little bitch lol. anyway i’d be holding that boy to me like he was on the verge of death the whole time. if he ever jumped i’d probably hold him tight enough to the point where he couldn’t breathe it rly be like that

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 19. Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

i’d be cheesy 100% i’m so greasy. idk if jeongin would be smooth but considering he likes to introduce himself by saying he falls into our hearts and i introduce myself by messing up my first name i’ll take a chance and say he’s smoother

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 20. Who is more competitve?

him i’m literally so lame i’m not competitive at all. i’d let that boy win in a heartbeat if it made him happy (unless we were playing some like video game shit i get immersed in that)

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 21. Who would have to be given constant reminders? (Remember to eat, don’t forget to your keys, etc)

me all the way i am the most forgetful person on earth. i could be leaving the house n boy’s like “hey loser don’t forget ur fuckin pants”

*♡ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ 22. Who sends memes and who sends cute ‘I miss you’ texts at 3am?

i send both and he purposely leaves me on read until i apologize

Tagging: anyone fr i don’t know who’s done it already except @dinonugggies u have to

[decodervon]

disregard the last post.

i made that with a lot of anger and frustration. weve talked a lot since then and I'm... not that angry anymore. I probably shouldn't even be talking with you, but i hate how much it helped.

i hate curiosity. i always scolded you and warned you about looking for things you might not want to find and i did it. i found something i didn't want to find.

i found out you were casually dating again.

and of course you are. i mean. we "broke up" in September. it's been months. theres no reason to feel shameful or bad. I cant fault you and I cant be mad at you. and I'm still mad about some stuff, but that's not one of them.

this one hurts though. i knew i would feel like this, but i hate how much my mind keeps REMINDING ME. I'll be trying to sleep and my mind is like, "u kno she seeing someone right. they prolly banging. its prolly way better then ur tired ass sex. doesnt have to say weird fetish shit." and its LIKE. OK. I GET IT. STOP. STOP REPEATING OVER AND OVER. DONT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME.

i heard about it after I went snooping about your party. people said their was distinct body language and he seems to have a very outgoing personality and seemed really nice. it sounds like exactly what you need and IT KILLS ME.

I HATE I went snooping. OF COURSE this is what i get. we've talked since then and i know you feel confused and scared. best thing I could actually do for you is leave you alone and let you have a real chance at it. maybe it's a rebound. but so were we. my evil, manipulative side knows that you still feel emotionally connected to me due to calling me about Vday stuff. my pragmatic side wants to sort out a deal where i exchange emotional support for physical intimacy because I know we both want those things and know the other can give them. i can listen and talk and care about your problems and you could do whatever weird, gross, aggressive sexual stuff and not judge me (I think.) but my less evil/neutral sides know that that would throw a wrench in both our things and the best thing I can do is stay away.

that being said... I dont want to. it's like doing coke or something. like yeah, it's bad. but like. if no one knows... then maybe it's not THAT bad. like it would detrimental to us if we got together and we argued and fought. that would be unhealthy. but just... secreting away and being physical and keeping it hot and fast.. ugh. I mean. its sorta like all those fantasies you helped me with. except we wouldn't be pretending.

ugh. prolly makes me a horrible person. prolly makes US. I know you kind of want to do the same thing. I tried to cool suggest it, but you're probably conflicted about it too. I want you to just... show up late one night. some random text at like... 11pm being like, "I'm outside. should I leave?" and then I mull it over and invite you in quietly. you're wearing something impossibly hot like you do. we hug and I can tell you want to feel my body because it's been so long. we go back to my room and talk awkwardly for a few minutes. we both mention how you shouldnt be here sheepishly while ignoring the fact neither of us are protesting it very hard. you slide off your coat, looking me in the eye the whole time. that longing, sad look. that look that makes it impossible not to kiss you. I pull away after a minute and say, "this is wrong. we shouldnt be doing this." and you lean in close to my ear and whisper "hes not you." and I instinctually press my body against yours. you nuzzle into my neck as you slide your hands under my shirt, around my waist and up my back. I put my hands on your waist and take a deep breath of the smell of your hair. I say, "i dont want to hurt anyone" you said "I dont care." or more likely "no one has to know"... we appreciate each others bodies like we always should have. I go over every inch of you, knowing I might not see it again. you go over those inches of me like they're an old friend you're excited to see. you say all the terrible things I want you to say and I hurt you like you liked to be hurt. we go on for an hour. i want you to stay but i cant ask. my willpower drained with my stress. you fix yourself and disappear like an uninvited vampire. i cry. a lot. i hold myself and wish it was you. the lifetime of memories creeping back onto me. I hate myself for what I've done, but desperately try and inhale your fading scent still lingering in my bed.

ugh. I'm probably gonna end up writing something hot and complete after sharing that. I hate that I want that so bad. but I shouldnt. I have more to lose in this than you do.

you would hate me if you knew what I had been up to since. one of the other reasons I cant judge you for moving on. I've talked and reached out to many people you arent a fan of. not to spite you, but because those people knew me in intimate ways I can trust. I gained insight from talking to them and meeting with them. but that's not what I'm referring to.

im... also.. casually dating someone. it's still all pretty fledgling, as I am WAY too delicate to dedicate myself to anyone. but its... it's someone you know. some things had been happening that neither of us knew about.. and I dont want to tell you because I feel like I'd be cursing you with the same curse that I have. imaging you with that person, not being able to stop... but I know the curiosity is almost as killer for you. its.. a hard thing to figure out morally. but I dont want to jeopardize it. its... it's a once in a lifetime chance. they care about me.. legitimately. and probably more than they should with how emotionally volatile I am right now. but they dont really know how.. I am. part of me is a sweet, great guy. but another part of me is the type to want to have that night I wrote about. a secret trust where we exhaust each other physical and say all the sick things we want, knowing that the other wont judge them. (hell, anything is better than arguing)

I want to be physically wanted... but I want to be wanted by you. I loved when you would love my body. cause like... in my head, when people say things about loving me, I always diffuse it "oh she just thinks she loves me like that" "oh shes convinced herself she likes that about me" "oh she thinks that's cute now, but give it time..." and its just... innate to my awful self esteem. but body stuff? making out with me? going down on me? holding, examining and loving.. parts of me? it feels so much... truer to me. like someone couldnt lie about that. I know thats... naive to think. but that's how it feels. no one who doesnt like you is gonna put their dick in their mouth. bottom line. or go along with your fantasies that you yourself think are strange to be attracted to. i wanted you to want me so bad. i wanted you to love my body and tell me youd been thinking about it. it's such a direct link to my heart.. ugh. but that.. stuff got all messed up. I think that's what made me fall in love in the first year. you cherished my body. you worshipped it. you wanted to sherk your duties to have more of it and I was totally enthralled. that first year made me stay for so long and through so much. always chasing that high. that time where my body was all you wanted and all i wanted was your heart. and it all got so... nevermind.

the person I'm dating.. we're talking it very slow. ive.. kissed her. in fact, your vday call interrupted that kiss. can you believe that timing? thanks universe. if you're trying to say we should get back together, maybe dont kill a beautiful innocent cat next time. I was mad you wanted me to support you through death.. after you abandoned me when I needed your support so bad. I'm still kinda mad. but whatever. this isnt a mad post.

i.. its. shes.. she lets me talk about you. she knows you. maybe better than I did. its hard.. shes not experienced with.. our type of relationship so much. I try not to put much on her. for the reasons of not wanting to overburden her and to keep from forming an instant bond. I know I still have these raw, visceral feelings for you and I dont want to hurt someone I care about because of them. I dont know how you know your new guy, but my guess is: not very well. maybe it's a tinder date. maybe it's a friend of a friend. but if I had to make an educated guess, it's someone far removed who is just.. treating you well. like how you want to be treated. kind of a nobody, but that's a good thing. like if things kept being nice, cool. if they didnt work, whatever. something noncommittal. something lowkey. something you didnt have to /worry/ about. which is all... smart. but I also know that if you felt like you wanted to drive that shit into a wall, you wouldnt lose a lot of sleep over it. and you considering the tryst.. well. yeah. speaks to that effect. i... I wonder if I should have even suggested its because I can't drive my thing into a wall. its... I cant. youd understand if you knew.

theres probably only one person in your mind you would legitimately fear me dating if you sat down and thought about it. someone that wasn't just someone you didnt want me dating. not like Kayla or Grace where it would just... bug you. I mean deeper. someone that you couldnt wrest me away from. someone that your charms would fall flat because of. I'm talking Caitlyn levels of dedicated affection. and as I said, I dont want to jump in. I know how easily i fall in love. I'm taking this slow. developing a foundation. trying to figure myself. wanting someone to treat me well and watch anime and cartoons with while being warm and laughing. someone to affectionately take care of me. someone who wanted to spend time with me.. someone who's house i could come over to in the daylight.. someone who's friends were excited for her and not judgemental of her..

I get why you're dating. I'm doing the same thing for the same reasons. i need this. you need this. i wanted you to treat me these ways but i couldnt keep.. telling you how to treat me after so many years. you could write a book on me. I STILL know how to take care of you and I mostly figured it out after years. I wanted to see you try and figure me out. you didnt have to be right. I just wanted you to try. I left a breadcrumb on my IG for this story, but I never know when or if you'll ever read these. I always want to hear your feelings too. I wish you wrote like this. I wish I had a direct line to your thoughts like back in the day when you wrote. it always helped. I still check your tumblr from time to time. like the idiot I am.

ugh. like the absolute idiot I am.

(ps. I watch that last video we made like every day.)

[0225pm]

undefined

good morning! it's currently 9:18AM and i'm so damn beat i want to ko already but i'm pooping rn hence i've decided to post something!!!! soOoOoo because i'm an overly attached gf who needs attention like 24/7 i actually went down all the way to han's place because i missed him hahahahahaha like, initially i was contemplating about it because....... 1, i was afraid that he might have fallen asleep 2, he might not be able to leave the house at such timing 3, he might get mad at me for troubling myself before traveling to his place, dayah wanted to meet up after her shift ended for supper and since i haven't really had anything for dinner i thought it was a good idea to fill my tummy first. so i met her at our usual haunt (the mcds near our place) and asked her for some advice about whether i should go over to his place or not. she was rather against it since it was already really late (about 12ish by the time we reached mcds) and even if we're to uber or grab down it will be really really late and she was kinda worried about my wellbeing since his area is rather quiet with little to zero human traffic at such a late timing unlike our area - we have quite a fair bit of shops that are open 24/7. she also said i must be so obsessed with han to the point that i'm willing to travel all the way there so late which tbh is true la hahaha honestly i don't mind traveling anywhere he is, except maybe if i have to buy a plane ticket or smth la bc your girl is broke (；▽；) but anyway i ended up saying fuck it and just decided to go je because i'm gonna make "go je" one of my life mottos now (half kidding about this bc i'm still a coward and i'm forever thinking about the "what ifs"). and booked an uber around 1:45AM almost 2 i guess!! it was considerably cheap!!!! like $9 for the ride after discount. and wah u know how hard it was to try and surprise han HAHAHAHA i was trying to lie my way through to not make him suspicious of me by asking him to play ml together (another tactic to keep him busy so he won't fall asleep!) and then he got a lil mad bc i kept asking him to wait and wait so he played like i think 3 rounds of brawl while waiting for me to come online hahahaha but hoho little did he know!!! during the last round i told him to lemme know when his game was ending and when he finally texted me, i immediately called him and then asked him if he can come out. i'm not sure if he was taken aback bc he said no at first so i asked if his parents were asleep already and he said no LMAO i was soOo shocked but i didn't rly feel disappointed bc i know that was one of the possibility of him not being able leave the house and i actually brought along some things to keep me busy while i wait (my drawing stuff and a book i'm currently reading). then he asked me come out where? if go out he won't able to so i told him to just come down then cus i'm here and he was like "ok u wait there" AND TADA!!!!! my surprise visit was a success???!?!!!?! he asked me what i was doing there while grabbing me into a tight embrace hehehehe he looked genuinely happy and i'm happy too!!!!! he even brushed his teeth (i could smell the mint) before he left the house so that his "breath won't stink" quoted bc that's what he said hahaha lmao so cute rly!!! oh how i've missed him :') 3-4 days felt so longgGgGgg uGhhH and then we walked towards 7-11 cus i told him my breath prolly stinks since i just had macs so i wanted to get some candies to mask the grossness of the spicy nuggets i had hahahaha but he wasn't even bothered and leaned in for a kiss haisSSssssSss i spent a fortune (ok not rly) at 7-11 man like from just wanting to get candies, i ended up getting all sorts of things - a drink, ice cream, an onigiri. the amount u pay for convenience sake :') and then we decide to sit around mccafe and played a round of ml which we lost bc he didn't realised that his data was all out *rolls eyes* HAHAHAHA and then bc we were trying to conserve both our phones battery lives, we decided to stop playing and that was when i could really look at his face sighHh idk how he can look so good all the time wtf meanwhile i look like a kentang (this is true i have gained the weight i lost hahahha but good la this shows that i'm happy right) and then he went on and said "now dunno what to do right cus cannot play ml alr" and i was like nahHhh it's fine and then he looked at me and went all "is it you bored?" and i shook my head hahahah yallllllll idk about him but i don't think there will ever be a time that i will feel bored just looking at his face and basking his in presence sia like i can't get enough hahaha and then he took my phone and went through my camera roll of junk (i have 12k over photos) so i asked him for the password to his phone and he just went like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (damn taik rly) so i kept asking again and again and he just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯!!!! and finally said "theres some past stuff i haven't deleted yet not bc i want to keep them for memories but bc i'm lazy and idw u to see them there since it's not deleted" and i was like???? why?????? didn't u delete them???? then????? then he wanted to unlock his phone for me to let me see but i was like nah u kno what i'm not gonna get my feelings hurt bc maybe there are intimate photos inside too so i rather not look at them and he was like "no there's no intimate photos la" but it was like it's ok!!! :) and then i snatched my phone back from him since i felt like it was kinda unfair that he could see all the photos i have with no secrecy. but then he took his phone and went on a "deletion mode" clearing unwanted photos in his phone while showing me photos he had of me in his gallery!!!! i looked so!!! cute wtf HAHAHAHA like there was a few photos where i actually think i look quite cute and which i've never seen before bc he didn't send it to me wah damn selfish keep for himself HAHAHA JKJK but ya most of them were during my blonde/silver hair days tho sighhhh i rly miss having light colored hair tbvvvvh :( and then he gave me the password to his phone!!!!! wowowoow i never knew that such a day would come (no i'm not being loyar buruk ok hahahaahah) and gave me the freedom to look through his phone (but i never did actually hahaahha bc i was busy scrolling thru my 12k worth of photos instead wth i missed my chance!!!!) even when he went outside for a smoke and left his phone with me i didn't even look through his gallery wth so dumb i could have sent the photos to myself!! but ok ya then i wanted to pee so i asked him to accompany me (bc the toilet is the one at the food court and even though it's relatively clean, the atmosphere was still quiet since it was only around 4+AM in the morning). then we walked back to his place and sat at the void deck - he told me stories about his encik at the station and showed me a few diss track videos between some youtubers and this one really cool short stories videos of which i've forgotten the name of, i will have to ask him later!! and then around 630-7AM i decided to leave the place and instead of taking grab or uber back home i insisted on taking the train and bus bc i wanted to listen to an updated playlist of music that i had synced earlier on BUT LOL WTF apparently ZERO music got synced into the phone and my journey was kinda half shitty bc i thought that i can finally listen to some new tracks but i ended up just listening to the 200+ old music in my phone. not that they're bad music but it has been about 3 months since i last updated my playlist so i've been listening to the same old tracks for quite some time already. but anyway!!!! i still had a great time bc at least i managed to see han today ^^ i guess it's something to get me through the rest of the day and till tomorrow's shift. ok this took like rly long to write and i'm actually done pooping. time check: 10:09AM!! i'm gonna shower and remove my makeup before hitting the hay!

[yeont4n]

Answer all!!

here we fuckn goooooooooo

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

u kno that 1 girl from sky high whose only power was shapeshifting into a hamster? her. no reason

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

id go check my mailbox to collect all my free promotional gifts and then prolly fake my own death

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be? 

there’s 1 thing but im not rlly gonna expose myself like tht on here smh

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

loud chewing/loud eating,,,,,,

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

i dont deal wit it lmfao it’s not my business who likes me n who doesn’t unless someone’s being particularly vocal about it:// in that case i’d prolly jus laugh about it

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

lmfao. idk tbh prolly decide which breed of dog i wanted to be known for loving

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

i dont order coffee often buh somethin w a lot of sugar.

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

maknae i guess? how about staff

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

i saw a video of yoongi performing intro:nevermind in like 2015 n was :o ! buh never looked into it. in 2016 i saw the fire and bst dance practice vids and was like :0!??? but again, never looked into it. then finally spring day/not today mvs dropped n i FINALLY looked into who these boys were n jus fell down an ever spiraling rabbit hole.. now we here

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

a feeling. i mean i have a few physical manifestations of the concept of home: my town, my school, my house. things i can return to. but really it’s a feeling isn’t it?? safety, familiarity, comfort, fondness

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

yeah probably altho i dnt have many data points to go over rn

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

yall expectin me 2 say bts buh id want 2 be wit my friends n family . bts can b there 2 if they want

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

get into..... college.....

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

i never express appreciation n all that verbally thru words or physically thru touch buh i have my own ways of showin tht i care n i guess it dont count if i dont communicate explicitly like: hey ilu ! . what happened to actions speak louder than words smh

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

makeup!!!!!!!!!! >

jump: favorite childhood memory?

getting my dog tina!!!!

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

physically i tend 2 like the boyish types likkee think taehyung inu era i guess. boy next door vibes; ive never rlly been into the macho build or the preppy, neat look, or the rough around the edges, angsty shithead badboy exterior model like i like my boys S.O.F.T.! puppy-ish!

personality wise i guess jusssss idk i’m gonna copy n paste a list of qualities i look 4 in a partner that i wrote for a different ask game a while back: Sense of humor, openmindedness, compassion, reliability, ability 2 communicate directly/emotional maturity, ambition/drive/work ethic, etc.

i like it pt. 2: dream date? 

yall prolly expecting me to say smthn like staying in n watching movies n eating junk but i’d prolly wanna go out n do smthn ngl. not a movie where u can hardly even speak or a dinner date where u feel trapped n stiff buh smthn fun n mildly competitive n engaging ??????? although jus chillin dont sound so terrible either

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

kinda not really it was on hampton beach n i had an allergic reaction but i wasnt on death’s door or nuthn

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

i bled thru my fucking pants in like 7th grade n it got on the chair! it was bad lol i was jus talking about this w my friend n she was like “yeah i remember that haha:)” shut up caitlin

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

moonlight sonata, ballade no. 1 in g minor, bts’ entire discography ties for 3rd

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

no lmfao . keeping my own, sure.

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

some words that have never been used to describe me, grace: spontaneous, easy going, flexible. the most impulsive thing i’ve done is prolly take a random sidestreet omw home just for the heck of it lol

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

cute jeans w a belt, a crop top. white adidas. i like dresses too tho!! n i really like layered clothes (a mock turtle neck under a slip dress or like a pinstripe button up under a babydoll fit blouse. i jus think it’s fuckin adorable)

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)? 

prolly 2 or 3 days

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

fuck i rlly dk . doesnt that suck??

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

i can burp on command lmfaoofdj

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

dont ask me this if u dnt want to be made uncomfortable by how genuinely unproud of myself i am lol

i need u: are you in love?

wit k*m t*aehy*ng? yeah.

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no........... maybe i havent found the right person but it’s not my cup of tea generally speaking

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

no but now i know what i can look forward to haha

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

im rlly loyal if that commitment is mutual. w my family i’m ride or die i’ll fuck anyone up who comes for my asshole brother idc!!!!!!!!!

move: last time you cried?

cant remember,, i dnt cry much. prolly watching reply 1988 when bo ra and her dad were exchanging letters on her wedding day.

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

his name looks similar to my url thats the only hint im giving

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i dnt really like travelling tbh but i do wanna go back to korea one day. not necessarily as a tourist but as a diasporic korean person myself

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

idk. i cant imagine not living in the states tbh but i also cant say i love it here either

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

i can’t vote but i’m in my school’s youth vote committee which runs debates for local elections and registration drives at the end of the year. i kept up with politics a lot more last year but after the election i jus got 2 bitter. i know what’s going on but only sort of surface level smh

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a teacher lmfao and i wanted to commute to college n save $$ bc i was a practical little fucker even when i was 6. these days i’m not that interested in teaching bc a) i’d be objectively bad at it and b) i was a classroom mentor for elementary schools and... realized i can’t work w kids tht small every damn day i’d rlly snap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

no~

save me: your favorite place on earth?

rn??? m y bed

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

august rush lol

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

really......... seven other people:)? guess.

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

12??? 3 are the same black heel lmfao n a lot i havent worn in years but i still technically own them. i rlly b wearing the same 4 pairs in a cycle n 1 rotten bleach stained soggy mess for work shoes.

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

weirdest dream i ever had was way too long to type out n had way too many references to people in my personal life to ever be interesting lmao

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAH?????????????????

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

does speeding count smh.

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

rolling eyes emoji. pass!

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

my parents!

lie: biggest fear?

real talk? failure. abandonment but i’m adopted, how cliche. also bugs

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

date of death bc if i knew the cause but not have any indication of when it’d hit me, i’d be a paranoid agoraphobic wreck for the rest of my life

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

yes but i also believe you can have more than one! and that soulmates aren’t exclusively romantic

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

get ur fucking bangs cut

mama: are you good at giving advice?

yeah i think so

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

lazy daisy

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

horrible horrible horrible. directionally challenged. i can’t even find my way to the fucking grocery store down the road on my own. if i ever missed an exit on the highway you’d never hear from me again, i could never find my way back without a gps. i’m dead serious

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

take a bath or a long long shower. eat smthn warm, drink tea, do a face mask, change my sheets n snuggle up watchin a drama or movie or playin sims

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

wtf how do i answer this lmfao how wud i know lol

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting! calling if it’s a long story though

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

their modesty and grace ! they’re a true underdog success story >

spring day: who do you miss right now?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

math summer work smh

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

window seat!

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

4?