#i knew that zander was trans

[carrotcouple]

So random fun fact, Zander has had multiple characters fall in love with him. And he certainly doesn't do it intentionally. The other main characters are also v attractive, but if I had to say who has had the most people confess to them, it's Zander.

[cator99]

please finish your wedding story, i so badly want to hear the rest of it. i await eagerly.

>everyone lived happily ever after

>a few weeks pass

>I write the brides a lengthy and detailed letter of recommendation to their immigration lawyer

>they're overjoyed and think its a beautiful letter, and I'm glad to help because I hope they last forever and get everything they want in life, if I may drop the act and be sincere for a moment

>a few days pass. the bride I've known for over 15 years messages me

>however... she doesn't care. she's on her honeymoon. and I'm just some chick she was friends with as a kid. what does upset her is how she found out.

>at first I assume that the woman who reached out to her (who I knew back in jr high, and is a few years older than me) was just trying to upset her

>bride tells me about how this woman was her best friend and then suddenly blocked her out of nowhere, which was (and is) still very painful for her

>the woman, who we will refer to as "A" whips up a story about being concerned for the bride's safety and privacy or something

>bride is confused. there's no identifying information. the post is a nothingburger to her. what's important here is that she's upset that this woman messaged her after 4 years, not to make things right..... but to talk about "zander"

>right, this is about me, because this is "A" we're talking about here...... hell hath no fury like a closet case scorned

how did she find my blog?

I assume it went like this:

>"A" goes to peek at her ex-bestie's wedding photos

>"Zander" Spotted

>runs to LC

>"hey does anyone remember Zander who I used to post about on here all the time 7 years ago? I may have found an update!"

>"that's terf cator99 who was posted about on the Women Youre Ashamed To Want To Fuck thread you fucking idiot that looks nothing like her"

>no here's proof!

>autism ensues

>several replies get deleted, other responses indicate they're "A" sperging and linking my blog

>people argue if I deserve to be there anymore

>"she's a tif"

>"no"

> yes"

>"no"

>"I used to know her" ["A" posting]

>"tell us more!"

>"she used to have this one pair of glasses and then she had this other pair of glasses that looked really good on her..."

meanwhile:

>assume she's probably back on her LC shit

>find and link bride to the LC thread and explain to her that "A" has just been trolling for fun and to pay it no mind, you're better off without her in your life

>"hey bride-chan, not to be weird but I'm just trying to understand this shit, do you think A ever had a thing for me... I always kind of assumed she was bi or gay when we were younger and thought it was cool that she was androgynous and went to school dressed as Kaito from vocaloid all the time so I wanted to be her friend but she was pretty rude to people and I backed off"

>"well i dont know but she's married to a man now..."

>yet here she is trying to get under the skin of two women who are with other women

to be fair I earned the lolcow title fair and square years ago all on my own, and really do feel I owe "A" a favor for introducing me to the site. it was very formative for me to find out places like that existed right at the moment I was starting to have conflicting thoughts about the trans shit so I could gain some self-awareness (and general awareness overall) (shout out to "A"s friend who cowtipped to me.....)

meanwhile, on LC:

>"well done ladies, we've figured it all out. Butch Lesbian cator99 is currently partying with gay men, and It is common knowledge that "gay men" are all secretly bisexuals who are looking to hook up with women who say things like "I'm a lesbian" and "I am not attracted to males". That is their mating call, in fact. These words activate the Hetero gland in the Amygdala like a sleeper agent who has been biologically programmed– as we all are– to stop the kiki-ing and split off into heterosexual pairings at the end of a poppers-fuelled night assless-twerking to Britney."

>"good work. But I'll one-up you: look at this screenshot."

[photo from an instagram account, featuring a photo of 17 year old Zander's legs in the bath. "I Am Totally Into Epic Awesome Penis Now!!!!!!" (She had never seen a penis)]

>"yes, this is definitely a normal thing for a straight woman to say. I always knew she was a faker."

>"yes. as im sure you're all aware, there are many social and career benefits from pretending to be a lesbian."

>"doesn't that idiot know that she can't just lie and change her orientation? I can't believe she's been straight this whole time."

>"what does she have to gain from lying?"

>"She's so adamant about being a lesbian, which is a dead giveaway for a cover-up operation. The more they resist, the more evident it is that they are lying in order to gain access to that highly lauded Online Lesbian Following, which is something every straight woman wants deep down."

meanwhile:

>call gf

>"bad news. I just found out I'm actually straight."

[wick-de-la-vela]

Super long pipeline, but maybe this will be resonant with someone

"wow weird little girl who sits in the corner reading and day dreaming all day, you are such a tomboy!" 👉👉

"who do you have a crush on?" "No one." "You have to like SOMEONE!" "I don't though." "You're blushing! You must be lying!" "I'm not! This is just an embarrassing conversation!" "Who is it????" *Making up a story frantically."Um... Zander I guess. He knows how to solve like 30 different kinds of Rubik's cubes. That's marriage material right?" "I KNEW you were lying!!"

Okay so that means that any time people talk about having crushes or liking someone they're obviously faking it due to social pressures, right?

Has shit hygiene, struggles to shower or brush teeth and hair. Secretly revels in how "unfeminine" I am by not taking care of myself.

I can't stand to brush my hair and my parents threaten to give me a "boy haircut" if I can't take care of it. I can't, they do, I rock my bowl cut without complaint and enjoy the lesser weight on my head.

Once I go a month without showering and am talked to by school officials about how bad I smell. Try to shower a couple times a week after that but it's still a struggle.

I learn this is a symptom of depression and my mom has had severe depression all her life. I also learn that depression commonly strikes/worsens during puberty, so I just resign myself to it.

I talk occasionally about how when I'm an adult I want to chop my boobs off because they hurt and I don't like the look or feel of them much. I chalk this up to not wanting to be fat anymore, and also not liking back pain.

Mom and Dad: "hello our weird little girl, we just want you to know, if it turns out you like other girls or whoever or whatever, we'll love you all the same" "okay cool! Don't know why we're having this conversation though." Goes back to reading Eragon for the 27th time in a row.

Wait, fellow middle schoolers, you guys are telling me you're NOT faking having crushes due to social pressures??? But... But.... Hm. Maybe I just have more refined taste because who would be interested in a MIDDLE schooler. Wake me up when I'm 35. The men will finally be hot then. (I would later realize this was me being "attracted" to people I knew were completely off limits to me so I didn't actually have to confront my lack of attraction to anyone)

Intensively seeks out and tries to understand lovey dovey and romance things. Craves to feel love and affection for somebody and also to feel at least tolerated in return (self loathing and low self esteem have become old hats by now. I believe that anyone who would say they love me or find me attractive would either be lying or have poor taste. I would not be able to imagine anyone actually meaning that earnestly.)

Start watching porn for research, would get bored a few minutes in and start watching video game lets plays or something.

I literally start trying to Pavlov myself into feeling arousal. Like, trying to associate positive feelings with looking at porn. I am somehow convinced that this is something other people do.

I end up in the alt-right pipeline due to a crisis of religious faith. The places I spend my time are primarily atheist havens, but then slowly start a drip feed of misogynistic and anti-trans content.

I get MEAN. I view crying and displays of emotion or upsetness as showing weakness and being feminine. I will do whatever it takes to avoid seeming feminine. I want to be "not like other girls" so bad.

I have never had a close friend, and don't believe I ever will.

Eventually, I ask myself what kind of people would be so cruel to random others just trying to live their life how they want to. I realize what's happening to me and purge all atheist/anti-SJW content from my life, swinging hard the other way and vowing to be more critical of the people I listen to.

I make active efforts to be kinder to people. I realized that I wouldn't want to be friends with myself, and wanted to become someone I would want to be friends with.

I realize that I am asexual and am relieved. I learn about the many nuances of asexuality and am dead certain I fit into that category.

Gay marriage is legalized. I hear it on the radio. I burst into tears entirely unexpectedly. Even though this will never apply to me, I find myself so happy for this group of people that they can legally marry the people they love.

Regularly talk to friends and family about how I feel no attachment to my body, have a difficult time seeing a future for myself, especially past high school. I feel like a brain piloting a flesh sack around, but nothing about the flesh feels particularly Mine. I resent the great lottery that landed me in this thing while feeling guilty about it the whole time. After all, there isn't anything Wrong with it.

I understand that I am depressed but no one around me sees it as bad enough to warrant any help because I had good grades. My dad firmly believes all psychiatrists and therapists are quacks.

I get to where every waking moment I am thinking about suicide methods at first as very clinical hypotheticals and then as dark emotional fantasies rotting my heart and brain from the inside out. I keep it to myself because being put in a psych ward would make everything worse.

I join theater. I surround myself with fun and friends, many of whom discover themselves to be a shade of queer. I find myself being endlessly curious and constantly asking questions about my friends experiences.

I realize that I would not care about the gender of a person I was interested in romantically. I just care about personality compatibility, and gender plays no role.

I make my first trans friend. I ask frequent questions to him and learn more about transness. The way he describes his experience of gender and transness does not resonate with me the same way it never has before.

I learn about being "comphet" and realize I was doing that all through my youth without knowing that wasn't normal. I truly had thought everyone was exaggerating being attracted to people physically and it was just a commonly understood lie between people.

My brother comes out to me as trans. I immediately begin researching it more. I call him by correct name and pronouns immediately, and help him keep it secret from my parents.

My father has fully been indoctrinated by the alt-right, becomes every ism and phobic under the sun, although there were seeds of those things already in him. He begins spouting extremely vile and vitriolic things about queer people, but trans people in particular.

My brother comes out to everyone at school, including teachers.

I pressure him to come out to parents because expecting teachers to remember to deadname him in correspondence home while calling him the correct name in class is a LOT of pressure to put on a teacher's shoulders. He either needs to go back into the closet to his teachers, or come out to parents, but trying to balance both worlds while being a minor would never end well.

He comes out to parents, it is a disaster. This creates a permanent rift in the family between me and my brother vs. everyone else. I become super ride or die. Even though I don't really understand transness myself, or how one might "feel" like a gender when there is no one trait inherent exclusively to either gender, I make sure he knows he has my unconditional support.

I help him work out his new full name. We become each other's only confidantes.

Years pass of him being constantly misgendered by family despite endless correction. I begin to suspect I may be nonbinary but hold off on in depth examination of my gender while in such a shit environment.

I withdraw from my father completely. I don't make eye contact with him for years despite living in the same house. I refuse to speak to him unless I am asked a direct question, which I rarely am.

There are threats, there is misery, I make concerted efforts to make friends in different states and countries to have a social safety net.

I fall in love. Everything changes. My partner's gender is fluid and endlessly fascinating.

I realize that I am not fluid. In fact, I'd rather not be anything. However, if I had to be something, I wanted it to be something I created from scratch. I wanted to invent myself.

I tell my therapist I am afraid to leave my brother and mother alone in the house with him, my mother especially. She looks at me and asks, "what if she never leaves him? Will you stay for her forever?" I tell her no, and I begin to believe it.

I corner my mom after weeks of her avoiding me and talk to her about the seriousness of Dad's ideas. I tell her I might be trans too but I don't even know my name yet. I've never let myself understand myself because the agony of knowing what I am and being unable to do anything about it would be unconscionable.

She tells me she thought I was about to tell her I was running away. I tell her no, but privately I am surprised she was able to guess. By this time, I do in fact have plans and a pretty definite timeline to run away by. The time has not yet come, however.

In a depressive low the likes of which I hadn't experienced in years, I apply for half a dozen jobs in my partner's city.

I get a job.

I leave at 2am on a Tuesday night. I drive 12 hours straight to get to my partner's house.

I get there. I sleep. I wake. I take what feels like my first breath in years, maybe ever.

A year passes. I learn how to relax. I get on anti depressants for the first time ever. They help motivate me, help with the executive function, but they don't put a dent in the detachment from my body I have always felt.

I confide in my partner that although I feel happy frequently, and laugh at jokes, I don't think I've ever felt actual joy before. Like, I always feel haunted by something nameless and grey. I know this is depression but it's worn me down my whole life and I'm sick of it.

I become a redditor! (Wide reaching implications)

I start floating around trans subreddits. I notice that a resource is frequently shared on them (the Gender Dysphoria Bible). I read through it on a lark, and my worldview is altered completely.

I realize that what I had always thought of as depression was really something called depersonalization/derealization, and it is a marker of gender dysphoria, among other things.

I realize that whatever has been wrong with my brain all this time might actually be dysphoria.

I am simultaneously hopeful and also incensed. I had had such a black and white view of what gender dysphoria entailed. "I was born in the wrong body" etc. etc.. I realized that the many analogies that trans people create to try to help cis people understand their experiences had worked against me, as I didn't really see any of my experiences in the most common analogies.

For example, the "button" test had never worked for me and really made me doubt myself more. (If there was a button before you that would instantly make you pass as the other gender, would you press it?)

I simply didn't care what I looked like, or so I thought. I'd lived my whole life so indifferent to and detached from my body I simply was incapable of imagining that any physical change to it would make me more attached to it. Any number times zero is zero.

It's 2024, and I am faced with the upcoming election and a presidential candidate who says he will get rid of "the trans thing" on Day 1.

I ask myself: would you rather live this way for the rest of your life, or give transition a shot while you still can?

I call up a doctor's office in the city. I make an appointment to talk about top surgery.

At first, I think that's all I want, but then I learn my insurance will cover testosterone and decide "why not? Any T i can get in me is better than none, probably."

I begin HRT. I schedule top surgery.

I'm surprised and disappointed by how "nothing" being on T feels, but decide to give it some time. A month passes, and I realize it's been weeks since I've had a mental breakdown.

I've realized I feel calm and present when I talk to my partner. I'm less spaced out.

I'm able to think about and make plans months and years in advance.

I know I'll still be here.

For the first time in my entire life, I WANT to still be here.

LGBTQ+ folk what was your gender/sexuality pipeline?

[ilovemygaydad]

No One [part 1]

from the friends in dark places au

pairing: toxic roman/oc

summary: someone from school makes an insensitive joke that sends Roman spiraling into some old memories of past trauma

WARNINGS: (none of the sexual elements are explicit, merely mentioned and implied) non-consentual sex, sexual assault, date rape drugs, drug usage, implied underage sex, blackmail (in the form of cp), transphobia, transphobic slurs, forced coming out, misgendering, food mentions, rebellious behavior, insensitive comments, crying, physical assault, PTSD, and possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: jsyk, it’s totally okay to ask for a modified chapter if you need it or if i need to add tags! i get it, and it’s no problem for me to quick edit a chapter or whatever :) also, feel free to send requests or questions that you have!

a/n 2: hey so this story is super dark and shitty, so please read with caution! i’m happy to summarize for anyone who needs it!!!

first of main plot - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

-

October 19, 2016

Roman shut the door to the practice room silently. He knew each nook of the choir room, including which doors were particularly loud. His back hit the door with a soft thud, and his tears softly dropped onto the carpeted floor. He slid to the ground and let out a choked sob.

Luke. Luke knew that what he said was terrible and awful.

“You could pat Roman Patrick on the head, and he’d accuse you of sexual assault.”

“Ro? Mrs. Taylor told me that you’re in here… Are you okay?” Patton’s muffled voice asked from the other side of the door.

“I’m fantastic, Patton! I just needed a few minutes of quiet before I tried to traverse the parking lot to grab my costume from Hannah’s car.” Roman tried to insert as much of his normal flare into his speech, but he knew that it fell flat.

“Roman, let me in.”

The crying teen begrudgingly stood up and flung the door open. A worried Patton stood opposite him, and Roman was well aware that his puffy eyes and wet cheeks did nothing but make his friend more upset. He sighed, gesturing for Patton to come inside.

After the door was closed, Patton spoke up again; his voice was very quiet. “Was it Luke?”

“Yeah,” Roman admitted.

“What did he say?”

“‘You could pat Roman Patrick on the head, and he’d accuse you of sexual assault.’”

Patton paced the small room. “That douchebag! Are you fucking kidding me? He can try to ruin my life, sure, but making fun of your abuse in front of you when he knows how easily it triggers you is just too far!”

“Patton, it’s fine—“

“No, it isn’t!” Pat cried, throwing his arms out in fury. “It’s terrible! He knows what happened to you, and he is in no place to be talking about falsely accused sexual assault!”

“It’s in the past…”

---

June, 2014

Roman quietly slid through his cabin’s window into the quiet night. He normally wasn’t one for this level of rule-breaking, but he was in love! He’d do almost anything for Ethan, and that meant a lot.

Two of his fingers were kept over the head of his flashlight as he made his way to the pier, only allowing a small sliver of light to shine out so that he could avoid twigs. Roman was so excited to have found someone who liked him back that he didn’t care about the consequences. He was going to be a freshman, after all, so it would make sense to begin to have relationships, right? Ethan was kind, caring, and funny—everything Roman wanted in a guy.

“Roman! Oh, good. I thought you weren’t going to show up,” Ethan whispered, a smile creeping on his face.

“Of course I’m here! What do you think of me? I’d never leave you hanging, dearest.” Roman gave Ethan a deep kiss. When they pulled apart, Ethan held up a finger to signify for Roman to wait, bringing a tiny thermos from behind his back.

“Salted caramel hot chocolate. I know how much you said you like caramel.” He passed it over, untwisting the lid as he moved. Roman took a huge sip, the cold of outside already sleeping through his pajama pants and shirt.

Ro coughed at the intense salty flavor. “Jeez, E, that’s really fucking salty. Good thing I’m really cold, or this would completely go to waste.”

Ethan smiled brightly, though Roman couldn’t quite place the emotion he got from it. They chatted for about twenty minutes before Roman began to sway on his feet. He was so tired and dizzy. He blinked a few times, shaking his head to try to collect himself.

“I, uh… I think… I think I’m gonna…” Roman mumbled, trying to get the slurred words he was thinking out of his mouth. He couldn’t seem to control his movements, and not a second later, he felt the hard ground hit his side. The last thing that Roman saw was Ethan’s evil smile as he drifted off to sleep.

---

Roman woke up with a foggy mind. What had happened last night? He remembered going to meet Ethan and drinking hot chocolate and then… Nothing. He couldn’t remember a single thing that’d happened.

The teen blinked a few times, trying to make some sense of his surroundings. They were bright, that much was obvious, and he was still wearing his binder. Someone stepped up to him, gently placing a hand on his arm. He flinched back from the touch. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want anyone touching him.

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m sorry. It’s Nurse Elizabeth. A few campers found you by the pier drugged to hell in just boxers and a t-shirt, and from the looks of the campsite, I think you were sexually assaulted last night,” said the young woman in front of him, frowning deeply.

Roman wanted to throw up. Ethan had used him. Someone he thought he could trust. Someone he loved. And Ethan probably knew his secret, too. Oh, god.

“Hey! It’ll be okay. Just get some rest. You can answer questions later.” Elizabeth made her way to the door of the infirmary, turning at the door. “Someone’s been waiting to see you since the news got out. Would you like me to let him in?” Roman nodded half-heartedly. He heard a person greet the nurse before heading over. Ro didn’t look up to see who it was, preferring to pick at his fingernails instead.

A rough hand clasped at his face and ripped his gaze up. A muffled scream escaped Roman’s mouth as he locked eyes with Ethan, who had intense fire in his eyes. “You’d better not tell a soul that it was me, or your little secret will be let out, tranny whore!” Roman fought against Ethan’s grasp, but he was still too weak from being drugged. “I hope I’ve made myself clear. If I hear a word about this little exchange, either, I have some pretty outing evidence to show the camp. You’re my bitch now, Patrick.”

Ethan tore his hand away from Roman’s face and stormed out of the infirmary, leaving a panicked Roman in the bed. Oh no. This was worse than he’d thought. He had two options: he could tell everything to Elizabeth and subsequently be outed as trans to everyone in the camp, or he could do whatever Ethan said and keep his gender identity a secret. Neither was good. Roman shoved his face into the thin pillow and cried himself back to sleep. Maybe he could wake up from this nightmare.

---

January, 2008

Roman toyed with his hands a few times before stepping courageously into his parents’ office. He could do this. He swung his ponytail over his shoulder and adjusted his cargo shorts and T-shirt.

His mom was the first to notice his appearance. “Oh, Rosie! What happened to your dress?”

“She’s just changed, honey. She probably didn’t want to wear it anymore,” his father said, typing away at his computer.

“I wanted to talk to you and Mom about something important, Daddy. I… I, uh… Never mind, it’s stupid.” Roman turned back and started out of the office, but his mom stopped him mid-step.

“Rosalina, you can tell us anything; you know that. What’s wrong, honey?” Mrs. Patrick clicked her laptop closed and prompted her husband to do the same. Slowly, Roman turned to them; the sound of his sneakers squeaking on the wood floor was the only noise for a few moments.

“I’m a boy!” Roman blurted out. “I don’t want you to call me a girl anymore. I want to be called Roman, not Rosalina or Rosie. And more importantly,” Roman pulled a pair of kitchen shears from one of his many pockets and raised them, hacking his entire ponytail off and letting it fall to the floor. “I don’t want to look like a girl anymore. I am a prince, not a princess.”

His parents sat with astonished looks on their faces. Oh, Roman had messed up. He had taken his dramatics too far for once. His parents were going to be angry at him, and he’d never be called what he was. He’d be Rosalina forever.

“Alright, Roman. Welcome to the family.” His mother smiled brightly at him. There was no malice in her eyes, nor in his father’s.

“You know, Ro, I’ve always wanted a son. And you’re strong; you’ll be so good in the boy’s gymnastics league.” Mr. Patrick stood and scooped his son into his arms, hugging him tightly.

Thus, Roman Patrick had been born.

---

Roman had been so excited to go in to school on Monday to tell everyone that he was a boy and that his name was Roman. He was practically bouncing out of his seatbelt on the ride there. He ran into the school, barely saying goodbye to his mom, and skidded into his second grade classroom.

“Good morning, Rosie! How are you doing?” Mrs. Zander, the second grade teacher, greeted warmly.

“Actually, my name is Roman now, and I’m a boy!” Roman sat in his normal seat, but taped a piece of paper with “Roman” drawn on it in red crayon over his “Rosie” nameplate. Mrs. Zander looked at him, confused, but nodded. She went to her phone and made a few calls, looking quite serious, before going to everything in the room with “Rosie” on it and replacing them with a “Roman” label.

Students began to file in, many commenting on Ro’s new short haircut, to which he’d always respond, “I’m Roman now ‘cause I’m a boy!”

They looked at him as if he’d grown another head, but moved on without further comment. With each child, Roman’s enthusiasm lessened until he finally just gave up. Mrs. Zander made an announcement about Roman, and the kids just laughed. They got scolded, sure, but that didn’t actually stop them.

“Look at Rosie just wanting to get closer to the boys!”

“Rosie you can’t just decide to be a boy! You’re always gonna be a girl!”

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore, Rosie. You’re a liar!”

The harmful comments continued for weeks. Finally, Roman couldn’t handle any more, and he begged his parents to take him out of school. Within a few days, they’d transferred him into an elementary school an hour away and moved into a temporary apartment nearby.

Roman walked into his new school nervously, taking his time to get to his new locker. It was nearly five minutes before he finally entered his new classroom.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” a student asked. He wore a black polo and thick-rimmed glasses. It was the textbook nerd look.

“Um, yeah. I’m Roman,” he replied. Then, as if to clarify, he said, “I’m a boy.”

“Alright. My name is Logan, and I am also a boy. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” And then Logan walked off.

(Roman totally had a crush on the nerdy second grader, but he wouldn’t realize it for a long, long time.)

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Correct name and pronoun usage by everyone and new friends left and right. It was amazing! He didn’t get the opportunity to talk to Logan any more that day, and little did he know that he’d become too intimidated by the cute boy to talk to him, but he was still grateful for his first “friend.”

---

Summer, 2014

Roman spent two more months bending to Ethan’s every whim to protect his skin. It didn’t feel much like protection, though. He was disgusted with himself, but he couldn’t go through the rejection and hatred that followed telling people that he’s transgender.

Slowly, he withdrew from most of his camp friends. It started with not allowing them to touch him, and then simply not talking to them. Each time Ethan’s fingers found their way across Roman’s bare skin, he felt like throwing up.

It’s better this way, he told himself.

It wasn’t.

No one found out. No one ever knew. No one felt the pain.

No one except Roman.

part 2

[forsaken-gay]

i still think about zander and leelah a lot & i find that really strange. not from the perspective that it's strange i remember them, but when they died they would never have known it would gain the reach it has and that people they never knew would think about them, even 7 years later.

i was still in the closet at the time as a trans man and both incidents really impacted me. i don't know why i'm reflecting on it now, but im remembering people i didn't know, 7 years after their deaths, and thinking how fucking unfair it is that they didn't get to see things through.

[rcdiostcrs]

Late Night Lights had just posted their first official single as a band—not just a cover—and Anakin was super nervous. Every cover the band had posted always had at least one comment about his voice. It was one of the things he worried the most about. If the band ever went big—how was he ever going to hide being trans?

After all, he never bound when he sang in order to maximize lung capacity. Instead, he hid his chest behind his guitar. The eighteen year old was surprised that no one had figured it out yet. (His anxiety told him that they had and were just hiding it in his indirects). Luckily, that would be over soon as he had a top surgery appointment in a few months—hopefully before they ever got signed.

Acid hit refresh next to him, wanting to see how many views the video had gotten in the past three minutes since he had last refreshed.

“Quit it,” Anakin said, not wanting to see what the first comment would be.

“C’mon, I’m just excited to see how long it will take us to blow up.”

“A watched pot never boils,” he replied, tired of the constant refreshing. It was giving him a headache to have to hear the first notes ring out every time Acid refreshed that stupid page.

Anakin stood up from the couch and instead went to the kitchen of his bandmate’s apartment. (He constantly found himself jealous of Acid’s wealth. His bandmate had a giant apartment! At nineteen!) Grabbing a Coke from the fridge, he tried to think of lyrics in order to distract himself from the lingering anxiety over people finding out.

“Guys! We got a comment!”

There went that plan.

“What’s it say?”

“They really like the lyrics you wrote. And they say Zander’s drumming is ‘stellar.’ Also, apparently, my bassline is ‘killer.’”

Oh thank the gods. It was a positive comment.

“That’s awesome.”

~~

Anakin knew that it was unrealistic to never receive a bad comment, but with every video, he hoped. That hope was killed when he checked the video the next morning and saw 

What’s up with his voice? He sounds like a girl lol.

Like that, his day was ruined before it even began.

Even after a year on Testosterone, he still sounded like a girl.

Fuck.

~~

By the time the band got their first interview, Anakin was more comfortable with his voice. There were still comments about it every video, but it didn’t bother him as much. He had heard his voice on recording so much at this point that he was indifferent to it.

Apparently that wasn’t a common consensus.

“Anakin, you are that vocalist for Late Night Lights, correct?” the interviewer asked during the individual interview portion of the day.

“Yeah. I write most of my own lyrics, too. And I play guitar every couple of songs.”

“Then what’s up with your voice? It’s deepened a lot since your guys’ first cover only a year ago. You’re eighteen, and yet, it’s like you’re going through puberty. It’s insane!”

“I’m trans, you jerk!” he shouted. With a huff, he stomped out of the filming room, past his bandmates preparing for their own individual interviews, and out of the building.

Anakin didn’t realize what he had done until he was in the parking lot. All of the time he had spent trying to conceal his identity—flushed down the toilet because he couldn’t hold in his temper. He touched the shadow on the side of the building, fleeing into the cold embrace of darkness.

~~

His bandmates and their roadies were not happy with the interviewer when they found out what they had said. But by then, the damage was done.

~~

Anakin came out of the shadows back at camp. He hadn’t been there the entire time Late Night Lights had been working on their first album, living in Acid’s apartment. The blond headed straight to Cabin Thirteen. He needed to hide and Nico, one of his fathers, would let him. His other father was great, but right now Anakin didn’t want to deal with Will’s questions. The son of Apollo would want to know what had his son so upset.

“Hey Dad. Don’t tell anyone I’m here.”

“Only until you’re ready to talk.”

~~

The next morning, he left. Back to Acid’s apartment. He left a note to Nico, saying that he was leaving.

You’ll find out what happened soon enough.

~~

As soon as he walked out of the shadows and into the living room, he was swamped with a hug.

“We were so worried. You weren’t answering any texts.”

“I’m fine. This just... isn’t how I expected to come out.” He took a deep breath. “But what’s done is done.”

He grabbed his phone and opened Twitter.

yes, i’m trans. no, you can’t ask questions.

Anakin took a deep breath, “Let’s get a queer-friendly interview set up. Time to do some damage control.”

~~

The second interview ever for Late Night Lights was on a radio show in Oakland, California. It was just outside of Camp Jupiter in order to leave room for the demigods to run back to safety in case of monsters attacks.

“And that was ‘She Looks So Perfect,’ the newest song from the up-and-coming band ‘Late Night Lights’ who are here in the studio today. How are you guys?”

“We’re great. It’s amazing to be here with you,” Anakin replied, slipping into interview mode as a way to prepare for the pre-approved questions.

“Awesome, awesome to hear that. So, we have a few questions here,” the host, Kurtis, held up the list of questions, the sound getting picked up by the microphones. “Ready to answer them?”

“Yeah, we’re ready.”

“Let’s get started.”

~~

Kurtis asked a few normal questions—what’s the song about, how long has the band been together, what can we expect down the road, etc, etc—but then he transitioned into the part of the interview that was damage control from Anakin’s accidental coming out.

“So, Anakin. Your last interview didn’t go so well—my condolences, by the way—”

“Thank you, Kurtis.”

“And there was something said there; care to elaborate?”

“Sure. I’m a transman. That interview wasn’t how I wanted to come out, but what’s done is done.”

“Had you ever planned to come out?”

Acid butted in, “I don’t think that that’s an appropriate question.”

Anakin shook his head at his bandmate. “It was on the list of approved questions. It’s fine, Acid.” He moved his attention back to Kurtis and the camera. “I’ll be honest with you—no. I planned to just be stealth in the public eye forever. My best mates—” he gestured towards his bandmates “—knew and that was all that mattered.

“I’m at a point in my transition that I’m more comfortable with myself than I ever have been. When we posted our first covers, I hadn’t even had my first appointment with a gender therapist, so nowadays... It really puts this situation into perspective.”

“Do you regret it?”

“I don’t know.” It was the truth—Anakin didn’t know if he regretted it. He knows that it had been said in a fit of anger. He knows that he had never planned on coming out.

And yet—

He knew that he would have loved another trans person to look up to as a kid.

“I don’t think so.” Anakin grinned. “No. I don’t think I do.”

[florenciahq]

oh hey GEMINI, ZANDER, & EMMY ! i knew i saw you arriving on the ferry. welcome home. there’s a party at the beach club in 6 HOURS, don’t be late ! park jinyoung, jackson wang, & jessica vu are now taken.

┊*・park jinyoung. male. he/him. 25. ╱ hey, isn’t that GEMINI RYU? i saw them walking around SUNSET HILLS the other day. yeah, i remember because i could hear MURDER BY MAKO blasting through their headphones. i don’t know much about them except they’re a SUPERMODEL and they’ve lived on the island for 4 YEARS. i think i heard someone talking about how THEY WERE AN INFAMOUS BULLY IN HIGHSCHOOL but who knows if that’s true or not. i hope flor chooses them for the blog this week, they remind me of THE HEARTS PICKED OUT OF A DECK OF CARDS, RED WINE STAINS ON SILKEN SHEETS, AND VELVET SUITS. [ skye. 18+. cst. ]

┊*・jackson wang. cismale. he/him. twenty-five. ╱ hey, isn’t that ZANDER JU? i saw them walking around SUNSET HILLS the other day. yeah, i remember because i could hear BLUEBERRY FAYGO by LIL MOSEY blasting through their headphones. i don’t know much about them except they’re a CULINARY CHEF and they’ve lived on the island for FIVE YEARS. i think i heard someone talking about how HE LEFT HOME TO ESCAPE AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE but who knows if that’s true or not. i hope flor chooses them for the blog this week, they remind me of PHOTOGRAPHY FILLED WALLS, THE SPARK OF A GAS STOVE, AND THE SIZZLE OF HOT OIL. [ adlynn. 20+. est. ]

┊*・jessica vu. female. she/her. 19. ╱ hey, isn’t that EMMY TRAN? i saw them walking around SUNSET HILLS the other day. yeah, i remember because i could hear MY TYPE BY SAWEETIE blasting through their headphones. i don’t know much about them except they’re a LIFEGUARD and they’ve lived on the island for 2 YEARS. i think i heard someone talking about how SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY FAMILY OR FRIENDS but who knows if that’s true or not. i hope flor chooses them for the blog this week, they remind me of THE MOM FRIEND, COFFEE CUPS, & LIPSTICK STAINS. [ bri. 20. pst. ]

[vengefulblue]

trans girl chloe murphy

her name's chloe, her parents were Those Parents with the cutesy matching name's picked out and she found it written in a box of her baby things when she was 5 and it just /fit/, y'know? (zoe would have been zander, so she /really/ dodged a bullet there)

the baseball glove was a gift from santa when she was 6, and that's how she figured out santa wasn't real. chloe wrote one letter and gave it to her parents cuz she had to, but she sent another one secretly with her real list (nail polishes and "shimmery lip stuff", just like zoe wanted) and she asked santa to please write her real name on the gift because then mommy and daddy had to know she was really a girl, right? but instead, she got a baseball glove, and she told zoe later and they both cried. and when zoe told their parents "santa's not real", chloe got in trouble. (but zoe shared her nail polishes and shimmer lip balm, because sisters have to stick together)

chloe's so close to zoe's age that people thought they were fraternal twins when they were little, and they kind of believed it sometimes? obv they figured out that zoe's younger, but up til middle school they still just go with it. it's only when everything starts getting really bad that chloe really thinks of zoe as her "little sister", cuz she sees zoe as like, pure compared to herself, the monster child.

even when shit's bad between them, if they're alone, zoe calls her "chlo" and "sister" and all that. (even if it's usually some variation of "goddammit chlo, you are literally the worst sister ever, i hate you!")

sometimes chloe wishes zoe would slip up in front of someone else, just so she wouldn't be the only person who knows. she's resigned herself to the fact that she's never coming out, never transitioning, none of it. as soon as the Printer Incident happened and suddenly everyone knew her as "connor murphy, the psycho", she knew she'd never do it herself.

she's always known she likes boys, and for about a month in sixth grade, she wondered if she was just a gay guy. but then a boy kissed her and asked if she'd be his "boyfriend" and she just. no. definitely not a guy. but she lets people assume she's a gay guy bc it's just easier that way. (chloe's actually bi, but she mostly likes boys. zoe laughs when she finds out and says they really are opposite twins, since zoe mostly likes girls.)

the opposite twins thing is kind of a running joke, but also pretty true. zoe's hair it's a little lighter, but she's not as pale. chloe's hair is a little darker, but her skin is lighter. their hair parts are both slightly off center, but on opposite sides. zoe is right handed, chloe is left handed. zoe is more girly, likes bright colors and pop music. chloe likes more plain clothes, dark colors, and she secretly loves 90s girl grunge. (even if she were out, she'd dress p much the same, just with some purple instead of all black and grey, and dark makeup.)

chloe loves her sister more than anything, but she also kind of hates her. zoe is cis, and pretty, and kind of popular. guys like her, she gets good grades, she's the perfect daughter. and chloe is... not. she's just the fucked up crazy kid, a million feet tall, with literally no friends. she's failing almost every class and she's awful to her parents. even evan hansen likes zoe, and it's not surprising it's just disappointing. it's just unfair. the one guy chloe maybe likes and could imagine might be not horrible to hang out with, is in love with zoe. because of course he is. who wouldn't be?

when chloe's gone, zoe is completely broken. everyone's expecting her to mourn her brother, and she's the only one who knows she never had a brother to begin with. she knows right away that evan's emails are fake, because no real best friend would ever write "dear connor murphy..." zoe knows she was probably chloe's best friend, and she feels fucking awful because the last year or so was non-stop fighting. she knew chloe need help, that she had issues, and zoe didn't fight for her. chloe always stood up for her, got in a few literal physical fights for her, and zoe couldn't even tell her parents that chloe needed help, therapy, medication, /anything/. so zoe's pretty sure she's the biggest hypocrite on the planet, bc it turns out that /she's/ the "worst sister ever", not chloe. 

(if chloe survived, zoe would help her come out to their parents and fight for her every step of the way, and evan would be even more confused bc holy shit chloe's pretty but he likes/liked zoe and w h a t   e v e n ??? is it weird to like them both? and honestly the murphy girls just think it's funny to make him blush so sometimes they do play up the opposite twins thing. it also works on alana a bit, and zoe is /so/ not complaining about that)

[thejustinmarshall]

Rocktopia Comes to Bergen PAC featuring Dee Snider

Interview by Danny Coleman

“It’s pretty exciting to be asked to be part of this thing. I did the week on Broadway as did a few other of my peers and I’ve been asked to return and do more shows with them and that is really flattering,” stated Dee Snider as he once again readies to take the stage as part of, “Rocktopia” at The Bergen PAC in Englewood, NJ Thursday October 18.  

Making its debut in 2016 when, “Rocktopia: Live From Budapest” was recorded in front of an enthusiastic audience; this brain child of Rob Evans (“Les Miserables,” “Jekyll & Hyde,” Trans-Siberian Orchestra) and Maestro Randall Craig Fleischer has been called, “Electrifying” and “Spine-tingling” by critics worldwide.  

A 2016 twenty city U.S. tour was followed by a limited Broadway engagement this past spring which is where Twisted Sister front man Dee Snider first brought his, “Unknown” talents to the forefront. 

“It’s weird, when I walk out on stage, the first song I sing is, “Stairway To Heaven”  and there’s an audible gasp from the audience when I open my mouth and I’m not screaming,” he said with a laugh. “I just start singing in a very Robert Plant voice, “There’s a lady who’s sure….”and people go ah he can sing! That was one of the things when after every show you go outside and sign autographs and one of the biggest comments is, I didn’t know that you could sing; what do you think I’ve been doing with Twisted Sister? I mean, those in the know, know that I’m capable of doing more.” 

Those in the know knew enough to approach him once again; something which Dee found mildly baffling when approached prior to the Broadway performances. “I’m not sure,” he stated hesitantly. “I know that they reached out because they were looking for recognizable rock stars that could handle the situation. I don’t know why they thought of me, I don’t think anything that I’ve done actually reflected that; although those in the know are well aware that I’m capable of much more than I’m known for.” 

Although those initial Broadway appearances were his first with this production; Snider is not a stranger to the bright lights. “I was in “Rock Of Ages” which was an actual Broadway musical, this is a Broadway concert experience; so for me this was a bit of a return. I got bitten by that bug and fortunately the community was very welcoming to me.” 

However this show is definitely a different approach; especially now that he has a solo record which has ascended up the metal charts along with a tour of his own in progress. 

“I’ve got a new solo record that entered the “Billboard Charts” at number 20 and now it’s the number one metal album in the world, oddly. I’m doing shows with that in between but this is a whole different gear, a whole different mindset to go out and do “Rocktopia” and it’s a challenge. When they called me and offered me the gig in the first place, I was like, I’ve never sang a ballad on stage, ever. A ballad means standing still and I don’t stand still, so for me to just go out and stand there and have to just sing and be judged on the voice alone was really challenging. That to me, challenges are what life is all about, to feel like; can I do this? I mean, I knew that I could but knowing and executing are two different things.” 

Snider being Snider is what audiences look for and in a production which has a five piece rock band, a 30 member choir, a 20 piece orchestra, along with opera and Broadway vocalists; is that possible? Well not only is it possible but it is now expected as he does his best to bring an edge to every performance and his fellow performers.  

“It’s not an acting thing; of course there’s rehearsals with a full choir and orchestra, the stage is very crowded and it’s a big stage and still very crowded. There’s a lot of preparation to get all of those ducks in a row and have everything coming out right but it’s an experience that I am so excited to get a chance to be a part of. They had Pat Monahan from Train do a couple of weeks and Robin Zander did a week and they brought me in for a week and while I wanted to go in there and do the best job that I could, I also wanted to add something and an audience member after the show said to me, “I saw the show with Pat Monahan and he was great but you brought the dirty” and I said; excuse me (laughs)? She went on to say that rock ‘n’ roll has got some attitude, rock ‘n’ roll is the bad boy in the room and Pat is a great singer but he’s very legit and you brought some swagger and I was glad to bring that swagger. As a matter of fact, I brought that swagger backstage in a big way. After my first night I go on after a singer named Chloe Lowery and she crushes it, what a fucking voice! She sings, “Alone” by Heart; she out sings Ann Wilson and Ann Wilson created it,” he explained with a hearty laugh. “So I have to go on after her and sing, “Stairway,” so I’m waiting to go on and she’s just blowing the place up. So as they start playing my intro I walk over to the side stage and she’s coming off and I say; Chloe? Fuck you! Chloe’s face dropped and I go off and sing my song and later she comes over to me and says; “Dee what did I do wrong?” I said no, no, no that was my highest compliment. That meant that you put me in a position where I had to go on after that and to me that’s what it’s about. Everybody going out there and going for blood and that pushes me to be better so I meant that as a compliment. So by the end of the week everybody in the cast and crew were screaming, “Fuck you” at everybody; the opera singer, “Dee, fuck you (laughs),” so like I said, I brought the dirty but everybody is amazing at what they do, they’re all the best at what they do. Look at Rob’s credentials, Alyson Cambridge (Madame Butterfly, La Boheme)the opera singer’s credentials; these people are in the biggest shows in New York. Everybody earned their place there and every night they’re giving it their all, it’s amazing.” 

A concert meets the symphony which meets the opera and pays tribute to, “Musical innovators across the centuries,” “Rocktopia” features the music of Journey, Mozart, Queen, Beethoven, Aerosmith, Handel, Led Zeppelin, Tchaikovsky, U2, Heart, Puccini and more but Snider wants all to know that this show bucks the trends of today. 

“The thing that people should know about this show is that the orchestra with rock ‘n’ roll has now been officially done to death. This is very different, it mixes  classical with classic rock. You’ve seen Metallica with a symphony orchestra and it’s not that, you’ve got great opera singers, great Broadway singers and me a rock singer with a choir and an orchestra and 50 pieces up there and a rock band and we’re doing both and there’s a lot of mash ups which is really interesting. So it is different than what has been done before and it’s very compelling actually; as Rob Evans the co-creator says, “Imagine a party where you walk in and at that same party are Bach and Beethoven and Freddie Mercury and Robert Plant and they all deserve to be in that same room because they all have their place in the hierarchy of music. Rock ‘N’ Roll has earned its place at that table and this show speaks loudly to that. I want to stress to people that it’s not rock music with an orchestra. This is different and its an education for those who lean towards the classical and those who lean towards the rock stuff. This shows that both of these need to be respected, they are both worth your time.”  

The 7:30 p.m. Bergen PAC show is the only one in the New Jersey area with an October 20 performance in Brookville, NY to follow. Although Snider moved to the west coast a while back, he still considers the Metro New York vicinity home; does this alter his approach? “It’s always great to be home and when you’re from the Tri-state area there’s a certain attitude and that doesn’t go away because I may be in a more gentle environment. I’m going from screaming my lungs out on my new record, “For The Love of Metal” which is mind-numbingly aggressive and heavy to singing sweet as a bird on, “Kashmir” and “Stairway To Heaven” and hopefully I do them all equally as well.” 

To discover more about Rocktopia or purchase tickets, please visit www.rocktopia.com. 

Danny Coleman (Danny Coleman is a veteran musician and writer from central New Jersey. He hosts a weekly radio program entitled “Rock On Radio” airing Sunday evenings at 10 p.m. EST on multiple internet radio outlets where he features indie/original bands and solo artists.)

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