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wesimpforxiao · 4 years ago

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My Backstory (IRL)

Before I begin, if you want nothing to do with hearing about abusive relationships, possible eating disorder, anxiety disorders/depression/suicide, sexual assualt, manipulation, gaslighting, sexual harassment, etc, SKIP THIS POST.

So, I would like to start off by saying the NSFW content I *try* to write always falls stale, 1. being because I get embarrassed or ashamed by my writing my own thoughts, and 2. because of the rest of this post. So the Albedo NSFW may not happen, but I asked just in case (i have some of it written out, but it is very stale). And also because I may or may not have accidentally triggered a trauma response as I was writing the Albedo post (oops...)

To begin, freshman year of high school, 14 yrs old, (I’m 20 and in college now), I started dating this guy that was in my grade. I have an anxiety disorder, so when we started going out, I immediately stopped eating because I constantly felt sick to my stomach. It wasn’t because I thought I was fat or anything, I just felt sick. Think butterflies in your stomach times 10 and ALL the time. We dated for a month before he broke up with me. During that time, he had suddenly brought up the idea of me sending nude or bra/undie pics to him. Him and his friend (who was in the call with us) tag-teamed and said that it was normal and asked when I would be ready to send pictures. Both of them asked that. Red flag number one. I said 3 months just to please them, not that I was actually going to do it.

Once he broke up with me, I was DEVASTATED. I feel A LOT, and it was my first ‘relationship.’ Exactly a month later, he texted me, saying he wanted to be friends. I said okay. He never acknowledged my presence at school, often avoiding my eyes. Sometime into that he had asked me what I would do if he had asked me out again, and when I said I’d say yes, he immediately texted back and said “i am so sorry, my friend [insert name] was texting you on my phone and I didn’t know until now.” Red flag number two.

Then, after we had stopped being friends, a month passes. He texts me again, this time saying “It’s been 3 months.” Yeah. Did you read the part where I said I’d consider sending pictures at 3 months? That only applied if we were dating for that long (and I still wouldnt do that), so where is his logic? Now, I don’t know why I even got back together with him, but I did. For a week. And just like the first time, I felt sick to my stomach. I always look back on this as a warning from God. And this time, he wasn’t hiding his intentions. He was CONSTANTLY making sexual jokes, sending inappropriate emoji ‘jokes,’ and asking for nudes. He did not stop asking even when I told him to, and even when I told him it made my stomachache worsen. I did not trust him, but I stayed for a full week of hell. Eventually I slightly caved, showing him on facetime me in my bra and underwear (My thinking: he couldn’t save pictures that way). He covered his camera. Did he take screenshots or something? I don’t know. It was awful. I kicked him to the curb the next day, still feeling like *I* should be the one apologizing. He eventually “tried” to apologize thru text, but was too much of a coward to apologize in person when i requested that. He says he had cancer or something, I honestly don’t care. His actions were inexcusable and it was pathetic that he used it as an excuse.

I hated him so strongly for the next 3-4 years, but the story doesn’t end there. A new guy, senior, 17 yrs old. End of my freshman year. We get together. He didn’t properly ask me out, just assumed we were dating after we confessed our feelings EVEN THOUGH I told him my dad said to wait 3 months. Red flag number three. So, by the bf’s standards, 6 months into the relationship, I stay over at his place for New year’s. I will admit that we did stuff over the phone prior to then, but I consider to be fine with that timeline. At some point while we were planning to do stuff (if ya know what I mean but NOT full on hoo-ha stuff okay) for New year’s, he said “Who knows, maybe we’ll get carried away ;)” Red flag number four. This immediately made me uncomfortable, and I was not fully comfortable when the day came either.

We were making out (consensual, but I feel like i was forcing myself a bit), I let him touch me down *there* (which he sucked at lemme tell ya) (also it was fine when he touched me before this day), and then he asked to touch my chest. *Previously, he had stated if i wasnt sure, hed touch over my bra first and go slow. He did not do either, instead immediately slipping his hand under my bra.* That is when something inside me snapped, and I felt number than I already was. Red flag number five.

I didn’t stop him because I wanted to feel something, anything. I got nothing. And then came the time when he decided to say “Now its your turn,” grabbed my hand, and put it down his pants, ignoring me, who was saying “I don’t know how to, I’m not sure I want to.”

I felt nothing for a few days, and then depression set in. It didn’t feel connected to that incident, and i didn’t connect the dots until later. It got so bad I had almost decided to kill myself three months later. My anxiety was through the roof, and every day my trauma manifested itself in the question “Do I actually love him?” It was a living hell to be inside my head all the time. He at one point asked me “Are you sure you were okay with what happened on new year’s? You’re acting like you’ve been raped.” When I said I wasn’t, he said “oh.” and we never talked about it again.

The relationship continued for another year despite my obvious depression and anxiety that revolved around him. He lied to me on several occasions, disregarded my boundaries (i.e. continued to make sexual jokes even though they clearly bugged me after the assault), and refused to get a job so he could smoke weed all day. My parents urged him to prove himself (he was out of high school by this time), and when I eventually took their side and gently nudged him along, he said “You are in a relationship with me, not your parents. Its either me or them.” Red flags six through ten right there.

When I managed to break it off with him, a ‘friend’ apparently took his side. This is the girlfriend in the “His Reaction to Your Ex(es)” post(s). This friend was actually an adopted cousin of mine, and we were not on speaking terms at this point because she had taken my first bf’s side, saying that *I* had to forgive him and that I was in the wrong for not wanting to talk to him or accept his half-assed apologies. (She was not at our school during the time me and that guy dated so she literally knew nothing). I cut her off because of that. Turns out she had a massive crush on the dude and he was already taken by someone else.

So, this same chick sides with the second bf, telling people that I’m the one who hurt him and whatnot. I come to find out that him and her are now dating and honestly, it is hilarious. Even I think she deserves better. He has no future, and I came to realize that, knowing that if i stayed with him longer I would have 100% actually killed myself, or died spiritually.

So yeah, that’s my story, hopelessly in love with fictional characters now because I am too traumatized by what they have done. I cannot be touched sexually without reverting to a depression or an anxious mess. Even if I did manage to be in a relationship after that, I don’t think I’d ever be able to have sex with someone. And finally I cannot have a healthy relationship, because what is that, really? I’m just gonna live alone with some goats LOL.

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kadywicker · 4 years ago

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Hi! Im same anon from few weeks ago thanking you for getting me into the magicians bc dopamine etc and rn Im watching s4 (near end but im rationing it. kinda) but i dont really filter spoilers so Ive seen stuff from s5 and I have to say... every single thing I read/see sounds like a fever dream and not even a fun one. What is going on? I'm not sure i want to know.

oh my god it’s miserable man i’m so sorry. s5 is..... so bad fasdfasdf i avoided watching it for a year bc i didn’t want to waste my energy trying to p*rate it. but i watched it last weekend and let me tell u..... not worth it! there’s a couple episodes that are like? okay? i guess? but mostly it’s just. terrible writing. sexism. homophobia. nonsensical plots. bad writing. more shitty writing. like. there’s some spoilers below so don’t click if u dont want spoilers but in case u want to know what’s going on (warning for spoilers and a huge wall of text):

there’s too much magic now so spells are going off the shits bc there’s so much magic. there’s a harmonic convergence coming up which will make magic go even MORE wild. a pig man from fillory shows up saying there’s going to be an apocalypse and he needs quentin to help. julia says oh shit sorry quentin’s dead but i can do it but the pig man says only STRONG MEN can do it so he fucks off to try and go find a man for the quest. julia decides to stop the apocalypse anyway, which she thinks is the harmonic convergence. so much fucking shit happens long story short they end up DESTROYING THE MOON. they crack the moon like an egg and eliot and margo get trapped in a timeloop caused by sentient whales practicing magic to keep the kraken at bay. margo gets out of the time loop leaving eliot who figures out what to do! and sends himself back in time to stop the moon from cracking. yay world saved. MEANWHILE IN FILLORY eliot and margo were thrown 300 years into fillorys future where the dark king rules. he’s got? fucking zombies or some shit hes “fighting”? i dont know i wasnt sober for half of this season. they’re hunting fairies. eliot talks about quentin in one (1) episode and cries a little before sending quentin a letter in the underworld. earlier in the episode he tried to fuck the dark king. after that he does not bring up quentin a single other time bc gay men do not get to have compelling love stories and he spends the rest of the season mooning after the dark king he met for 3 seconds before deciding actually HES the love of his life, not quentin. fen and josh are dead in the past and margo and eliot change the timeline like three times to save fen and josh! wow yay! also they can’t save quentin bc changing the timeline would be bad and disrespectful :( they can save fen and josh by altering the timeline though! at one point alice tries to make a golem of quentin to answer some questions about a page in a weird language she found in his desk but she brings back child quentin instead and he dies so it’s whatever. after the moon shit, they’re trying to find this seed that’s depicted on that page of quentin’s bc it’s the World Seed and can create whole new worlds! which is convenient bc turns out that apocalypse was NOT the apocalypse on earth but an apocalypse on fillory they think the dark king is gonna cause. turns out no, they’re going to cause it, they need to destroy fillory to stop the dark king from bringing back an army of the dead to bring back his gay lover bc gay mean are evil and bad >:( and before they destroy fillory they need to get all the fillorians in a pocket world and then put them on a new world they build with the world seed. so much shit happens i don’t even know. there’s a heist. there’s a musical episode that’s also the heist episode. eliot makes out with alice AND kady in this episode bc god likes to see me suffer. there’s a new chatwin! she’s great her name is plum and she can travel through time! she uses these time saving abilities to save hyman- you know, the really sexist perverted ghost that spies on people? yeah well she saves him. even though the narrative forbids saving quentin, they can save that fucking guy. julia is pregnant with penny 23′s baby but it’s a Super Pregnancy bc it’s red monkey month in fillory which means it goes faster. and she’s getting affected by the baby’s abilities to travel and be Psychic. fucking charlton is there he was still in eliot’s head the whole time and he gets out of eliot’s head to bother eliot but no one else can see him so they give him hyman’s body bc hyman wants to be a creepy ghost still. quentin gets brought up a few times but mostly to talk about how he ~sacrificed for those he loved~ or what the fuck ever and also to hammer in more quentin/alice like they didn’t have a like 3 month toxic relationship and he had a FIFTY YEAR RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE TO A MAN AND HAD AN ENTIRE CIHLD WITH HIM but ya know alice is the true love of his life bc they’re a man and a woman <3 <3 <3 the moon is sentient? i guess? there’s symbiotic aliens? fogg gets trapped in a magic acid induced drug alternate reality? and evil fogg from another timeline ends up coming through and fucking shit up? regular fogg gets back and has to hold a cat to stay sane bc all the insanity goes into a cat? fen, margo, ALICE?, and josh end up creating new fillory bc thats definitely the list of people that knew and loved fillory the most (definitely not eliot who was high king of fillory and sPENT 50 YEARS ON FILLORY WITH A HUSBAND AND SON no no he wouldn’t know about fillory), and disappear to their new fillory. the phrase “ovary up” is used no less than 7 times during the season and in the episode descriptions. kady’s barely mentioned as to what she’s doing post finale. eliot is a professor now and oh in the last FOUR FUCKING MINUTES WITH NO BUILD UP charlton kisses him and they go upstairs to fuck <3 the dark king was getting catfished by his brother martin btw bc the dark king is actually rupert chatwin and he ends up in a time bubble with jane and that’s fine while martin gets trapped in the library or some shit i don’t know. oh and plover is still alive and doing relatively fine compared to other characters who are like, dead. fen sympathizes with him isn’t that nice. there were at least 5 different opportunites to bring quentin back and they didn’t bring quentin back or leave opportunity for that. it’s bad. santa shows up for a minute? alice gets her fingers cut off and sewn back on and can’t do magic w one hand now but she’s a master magician so it turns out fine. there’s a line about “her lunacy identifies as she/her” talking about the moon, as if the magicians has any room to make pronoun jokes when they’ve had 2 trans characters that both died and weren’t even textually trans. at one point it turns out josh and fen fucked and margo tries to kill fen in a fit of jealousy and there’s a love triangle situation. fen is now a werewolf too btw. in conclusion! it fucking sucks.

#anonymous #*answers

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bunnyriviere · 4 years ago

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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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swirlyrobe · 4 years ago

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Jul 28, 2015

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after that i ended up in a special ed school and thats when i started listening to rap with dipset and stealing yugioh cards for money and robitussin to get high. when i was 16 i only had a couple good friends and everybody else just avoided me caus they were scared i was going to fight them and one of them steve (who’s 3 years younger than me) had me meet his (at the time) ex gf one day and i ended up getting my thing sucked>.> yea for the first time and then we planned to lose our virginity the next week. she brought her friend and we had a threesome tho my drugs caught up with me because i was on probation for beating somebody up on the bus and i kept getting dirty urines for weed so i went to rehab a couple weeks after

i never really had gfs in highschool other than that, there was only 5 girls in my special ed school, i was friends with most of them but they used me for drugs. i went to community college right after highschool and made friends rapping tho immediately got involved in a small crime ring of stealing video games from stores, selling them to gamestop to make a couple hundred daily as well as smoking a lot more weed (while still on probation for another assault) that didnt catch up with me yet tho when i was 19 this girl sabrina added me on facebook and i really liked her, ended up meeting her at the mall it was a really sweet date(we had fun getting physical😄) she wasn’t like everybody else because she didnt try to be normal. i had court coming up though i ended up smoking pcp for the first time and had a psychotic break where i thought this girl was her (who wasnt) and got arrested for unlawful restraint (i thought she was bugging out and i didnt want to leave until i knew what was wrong). i went to jail and got released to rehab again.

when i got out of rehab i went to outpatient rehab (i was 20 now) and met a woman heather who was 33. we dated and she bought a ring for me 3 months after to propose which i accepted because i was desperate and i thought i loved her though she asked if i was attracted to her and i honestly said only her face and not her body so she broke up with me. after that i started smoking again until i started talking to this girl Haley who lived the city over from me, she said she wanted a brother yet i really started liking her when we talked. this is when i really started realizing i liked younger girls and she ended up admitting she had a bf months after and lied to both of us. (i made a lot of songs about her😔😪){&2020 update about haley: we moved on with our lives and had never met though I talked to her a little on Facebook this year and, thankfully I wasn't as enamored and clingy😪}

there's a couple dozen other girls i dated/talked to between that and then there was bella who heard my music on an old social site called PHEED and i thought she was beautiful so i told her that and we talked. she lived in texas but we had intense convos she was really smart, beautiful, funny and we swore we would be together though i had to go to rehab again(this time inpatient in New London where, I lived in a sober house & got a job after) because i violated probation yet i wanted to test if she’d stay with me so i didnt tell her i went. about 4 months later when i was getting out of rehab i talked to her again and she acted like everything was alright and she had moved to NY as well as gotten a license and really had her life together. she said she loved me and was gonna drive to see me in new london so, I waited an hour for her to come until I talked to her and she said because I "played" her she was playing me so, not coming 😢😞(this was in 2014)

So in 2015 I was clean about a year so, I applied & got accepted for McNally Smith college of music (to major in audio production) in st Paul Minnesota where I Was clean for months until (for some reason I forgot but, probably running around fast) I got kicked out of my weightlifting gym out there so I was upset and, found some people @ a park near downtown st Paul smoking weed which I got in on and, ten weeks later I saw someone with dreads buying a dutch in a bodega so, I asked if he knew where to get weed and: It turned out he was a dealer so I ended up buying lot's of weed and trading for studio time for him to record but, I got caught smoking sometimes in my dorm & because I got in arguments with students and staff at college so, they warned me if I got in ANY fight in or, outside of school I would be expelled & I DID get expelled; probably because of the fight where I sent that guy who hit my head with a brick to the hospital (which drew a LOT of attention and PROBABLY was on the news)

Though they said it was because I got in too many arguments and, smoked too much weed in my dorm...

So I moved back with my grandma later in 2015 where I was until she kicked me out for smoking weed and k2 so, I was homeless In which I slept under a blanket near the library and, behind a church in hamden until, the church let me live in their garage when it became winter so I stayed there until early 2016 where, I moved to a spot in Hamden off the bike trail in the woods where I started with a one person tent until I stole a 8 person tent from Walmart and, uused a shopping cart to carry a bed my friend gave away down the bike trail to my spot and late I stole a propane heater plus propane powered stove so I stole an empty propane can outside of krauzers and I kept paying $20 to get it filled at The car wash up the street so I used it to cook ramen and, oatmeal on my stove and power my heater in the winter and I finally got clean in August 2016 while STILL homeless then completed a course to get into CTWORKS which helped me get nice used suits and an interview g for the job I got at Chipotle in December 2016 while, still homeless 😪 I told them I still lived at my grandmas and took showers at my friend's house until I got a la fitness membership with my first paycheck which was actually through the woods near my tent so, I took showers there EVERY morning & worked out there in addition to, at my tent where I still had a barbell set from my grandmas and, then in the spring of 2017 I applied to and, got a landscaping job I saw on the ctworks job search online so I woke up at 5am EVERY morning with a battery powered alarm clock I stole from Walmart and, caught the first Whitney bus that went downtown at 5:30 and, then I took the next train around 5:45 to go to milford where, the landscaping base is so I ran there when I got to Milford around 6am to get there on time by 6:30-45

So I worked there while I was still homeless and, I got approved for shelter plus Care which some people That lived in the woods near me told me about and, I got my apartment with 2 jobs off the post road behind dunkin donuts in West Haven so, I took The bus up the post road to get to BOTH jobs until, I saw a moped for sale from east haven on Craigslist for$200 in mid spring of 2017 which, I rode to my jobs on until, I got a drivers permit (coincidentally on the day I heard my grandma was dying so, I Went to her house and Watched her die 😥

Then I took drivers ed classes;

Then I started getting driving lessons in late spring 2017 until I learned to drive in a couple months so, I took the drivers test in summer 2017 and, then took motorcycle classes at north haven gateway (where I ran into my dr's receptionist Alexandra ai had a crush on (who I even had written and recorded a song about) then, my mom helped me get my 250 ninja from new Haven power sports so: I drove that to my jobs until my crash on August 6th 2019 which, I don't remember but, I woke up at the residential physical rehab hospital Gaylord where : I leave weekly what happened was I hit an suv on mg way to work, had a right brain stroke & broken pelvic also my left side was paralyzed and got contractures (where my left arm, fingers and left got really curled up and difficult to straighten so I'm still working on walking again 😥

(I'm getting botox injections to help my left side straighten and , I'm able to my left leg and arm though, they're really bent and my fingers are too bent for me to move, use,or, hold anything😪

So now I am living at my aunts waiting to get another apartment through my insurance agency while, I still get votox every 2 months unrtil I hopefully gain control and use of my left side😪 &, the ability to walk again...

I went from being REAL STRONG to, being weak (though I'm ljfting more with my right arm with a dumbbell then I used to!)

Either way: I'm a survivor!

💪🏽😁👍🏼

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coridallasmultipass · 5 years ago

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Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps

#endometriosis #endo #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #menstruation #surgery #tmi #personal #vent #Cori.exe #Post.exe #long post

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1zzis · 5 years ago

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child detective au. ˎˊ˗

this has been a draft so long that i’m no longer even on this blog (it’s been a thing since the 5th may 2018, the latest cookie at the time in ovenbreak was adventurer and walnut wasnt a thing so shush), but i’m gonna post it here anyway. its still unfinished and will most likely stay that way which sucks bc tbh this was the au i was most excited to do stuff for but oh well - 2020 izzi

hewwo it’s another cookie run au by izzi / lemon. in this au pretty much uhhh cream puff is a detective, her wacky sidekick™ is vampire cookie. i keep thinking it’s going to be like layton brothers : mystery room, really. i made edits that tumblr will fuck up the quality for, it’s also because the original images are small as shit. also i’m aware of the spelling mistakes and i’m too lazy to fix them all at this point.

— 001. THE BEGINNING OF MADNESS.

the prologue! cream puff is introduced here and pretty much everyone underestimates her. she’s dubbed as the child detective and while she’s clumsy and forgetful, she does make up by her sweetness. no one knows exactly how or why she’s hired, really. and to make sure to guide her along the way ( and also just to hopefully better them from their stupid ways ) is vampire cookie — yes, the guy who got stuck in the wine cooler for a night.

i don’t really have much to say except from 006, so i’ll explain that!

sea fairy was ( and still is ) a detective, a famous one who was good at her job. she was cold but not cruel and was careful with her words. she worked hard at her job and never got emotionally attached to her cases. until that one case she got with the notorious and feared two gangs, dream catchers and skulls.

a murder had happened, the leader of skulls had been killed.

///

and i never finished it past that! i remember being stuck on this part. partly because i had no idea who the other leader was gonna be (and then chili pepper was the next cookie to come out a few days later lol) and mostly bc i didnt know how to put my thoughts into words and i was running out of ideas

in chapter 6, you play as sea fairy years back in the past. this was the last case she ever did before she mysteriously vanished. to this day, no one knows where she is.

chili pepper is the leader of skulls and moonlight is the leader of dream catchers. these two gangs have always been in a rivalry of constantly one upping eachother in crimes, money and power. the leaders also kinda hate eachother.

when chili pepper died, her gang quickly became reckless. they suspected that a member of dream catchers somehow killed her. a day after, the gang fought them in broad daylight. when a few members of skulls snitched to the police, the moment they found where moonlight was, she was detained. this didn’t make the case any easier, though.

moonlight constantly flirted and talked with sea fairy. she would also refuse to talk to anyone else except sea fairy when she was alone. it’s unknown whether moonlight actually loved sea fairy or if she just used her, but either way...

sea fairy fell in love. and the bitch fell hard. it was a slow decent, but eventually her emotions overwhelmed her. sea fairy did whatever she could to postpone trials, intentionally fake evidence that proved moonlight innocent and talked to moonlight when it wasn’t legal to. but it was obvious from the start and as trials kept presenting more evidence, sea fairy knew that moonlight was the murderer.

...moonlight, even after all of sea fairy’s attempts, was found guilty. but it doesn’t end there. after only a week, moonlight was gone again. and after a day or two later, the police found out that sea fairy had never returned to her home.

anyways! that’s it. so you may be asking who’s the guilty cookie for all of the other cases and to that, no idea! i hope one day i’ll pick this au back up again, but i most likely won’t ngl. if you have any ideas/headcanons n stuff about this au though... please hmu about them! maybe i’ll even bring this au back :*)

have a bonus old edit 4 this au for somehow making it this far

#cookie run #cookie run edits #cream puff cookie #vampire cookie #child detective au.#i had to redo this whole fucking thing bc tumblr didnt save it the first time :)#i had a feeling it would do this too im so stupid #old tags:#I KEEP MAKING SO MUCH COOKIE RUN AUS IM SORRY #i have like ... 3 now wtf

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ldarchive · 5 years ago

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all or some of: 10, 18, 19, 20, 25, 28, 30, 35, 36, 39, 40, 41, 42 for the ask meme =) lay all the ari facts on me

ty indigo ilu… shepardposting no limits (HOPEFULLY THE READMORE WORKS?)

10. What kind of friend is Shepard?

the “will give you shit but also go to the ends of the earth” for you type i suppose…he shows his affection thru gentle bullying. he can also be kind of genuinely an overbearing asshole at times, but he gets better with it; it takes him a while to, uh, adjust to having “friends” in the first place. he’s a dad friend if your dad is kind of a grumpy punk with a rude and morbid sense of humor

18. Share a headcanon about Shepard and their LI.

[struggling to come up with something i haven’t talked about a million times] uhhhhhh

kaidan wanted to propose with one of his dad’s old rings but he figured out it wouldn’t fit ari’s finger, so (with his mother’s blessing/assurance that his dad would have been more than happy abt it, etc) he had the gold melted down to make a new ring. in my mind it looks smth like this and yes ari totally cried a little

it also took kaidan weeks of near-misses to work up the nerve to propose even tho he Knew ari was gonna say yes, he was just really worried about getting it right. eventually he just did it on their balcony and ari got surprised and dropped his cigarette and kaidan got a cool new engagement burn scar on his arm but it was nice

19. Why did they fall for each other?

ari fell for kaidan bc he’s not just intelligent, but perceptive; he’s a realist who errs toward optimism and making the best of bad situations; he believes people can and should be better; he has a surprisingly understated sense of humor; he can keep up with ari’s teasing; ari asks him if he’s a romantic and he denies it and then gives, like, the most romantic answer in the world. he’s cute.

kaidan fell for ari bc……. he has big arm. ok but uh i think it’s because he’s, pretty practical and matter of fact and doesn’t care all that much about the social trappings that kaidan continually tortures himself with… he makes kaidan feel Seen and Understood but doesn’t make a big dramatic deal out of everything kaidan tells him, he just treats him… like a person. for someone who’s been living with & defining themselves by their issues for as long as kaidan has, it’s pretty incredible to find someone who just makes him feel like a human being again

20. What are their common interests or hobbies?

a lot of their relationship is like, meeting each other in the middle haha, but there are some things they both enjoy a lot with no caveats:

- cooking! kaidan’s a foodie and it becomes ari’s therapy hobby after me3, so it’s smth they enjoy doing together a lot. they try to do it more often if possible, but their general friday night tradition is to come home, crack open a couple beers, and cook a big meal together

- they are both outdoorsy Adventure Dads… it takes a while before ari can handle more than a walk around the park but eventually he and kaidan can go hiking again and they both rly love it. i imagine theyd be into stuff like camping, swimming, kayaking, etc too dfjnfg

25. Is there something they fight about?

well, everyone gets into arguments occasionally, but i don’t really think they fight all that often… not that they agree on everything all the time, but they’ve both gotten pretty good at talking things out and also deciding whether or not something is even worth arguing about in the first place. when you are dating someone during the apocalypse and don’t have to any time to waste those are both pretty valuable skills haha [i think the most they ever fought in their relationship was post-me3, when ari got out of the hospital and they’d both started to ‘settle in’ to their new lives but it was a bumpy adjustment and they were both going thru a lot of trauma and stress and bottling it up etc. it wasnt a great time but they worked thru it]

28. What would they like to change about the other?

it’s a double-edged sword, bc it’s part of what attracts kaidan to him as well, but sometimes kaidan really wishes ari had more a self-preservation instinct!! sometimes his tendency to charge headfirst into trouble is sexy, sometimes kaidan is tired and sad and it just gets really old

ari wishes kaidan would loosen up a little although, again, the straight-laced military thing (unfortunately) kinda does it for him. he would also take away kaidans chronic pain if he could

30. When did they realise they fell in love?

fr kaidan it was shortly after virmire and it absolutely scared the shit out of him ahaha

ari is dumb so he didn’t really realize until after horizon, which was probably a bad way to figure that out,35. Is there anything they dislike about the other?

ari appreciates how thoughtful kaidan is but sometimes it’s like… a bit… much lmao, he’s not as navel gaze-y as kaidan is so sometimes the process of having to talk everything out gets tiring. for kaidan it’s kind of the opposite, he sometimes perceives ari’s lack of forethought as a lack of care, which isn’t really true, he just works differently

on a much pettier level, ari gets annoyed that kaidan wants to sleep in all the time and kaidan gets annoyed that ari drowns all his food in hot sauce. hello, i worked hard on that steak36. What are their best memories together?

advtykefd cheesy but i like to think they got to take a little bit of leave after me1 so… they rented a log cabin somewhere (not sure if they went back to earth or just a colony planet somewhere?), turned off non-emergency comms on their omnitools and just chilled for a bit… went hiking, had drinks at the tiny bar in the closest small town, holed up in the cabin all day and had sex lmao it was probably the most peaceful week of aris entire life and it left a big impression on him

ofc later there’s stuff like their wedding day, their son’s birth, adopting their daughter etc. kaidan would probably even say, with the emotional distance provided by time, that horizon counts cuz even tho it sucked at the time nothing could have been better than realizing ari was alive

40. Is there someone in the squad of ME/ME2/ME3 Shepard dislikes? Why?

MIRANDA LOL… they just. do not see to eye or get along at all. i find their relationship very entertaining for this reason bc the dynamic of commander & XO who are both trying to be professional but do not respect e/o even the tiniest bit is so funny. theres a convo w her in me2 (i think it might be the one where you can initiate her romance?) where if you choose the renegade dialogue is hilarious to me… miranda makes some snide, passive aggressive comment about shepard based on their background (it’s like “it’s amazing how you’ve managed to succeed despite being _____” lmao) and then shepard is like “OH i get it, you’re jealous bc i’ve been more successful than you and TIM likes me more even tho i’m a big piece of shit idiot?” i love it it’s so funny. they both suck. eventually they do build some kind of mutual respect btwn them but theyre still… not exactly friends. i think in me3 ari was like “damn i hope miranda’s ok” and then when he actually met her again remembered why he used to be so pissed at her all the time lmao. (after me3 tho she saves his life Again and they probably have a lot of time in the hospital to just talk so maybe they do become genuine friends)

41. Are there any important relationships in Shepard’s past that defined their character? /42. Is there someone who had a great influence on Shepard?

just gonna try to combine these i guess,

- his parents, although he only got an unfortunate short time with them, he takes after both of them a lot, and the things his parents imparted on him stuck with him, but especially as he gets older he’s also really aware of the mistakes they made

-the reds, in general. not a really positive influence lmao but. they were his home for years & he learned how the world works through them, for better or worse… it’s why he’s a bit of a cynic, although later he is able to characterize it more as “this shit sucks But we can make it better” rather than just “this shit sucks”

- anderson was the first person ari ever felt saw him as a human being, and it was… a slow-going thing to learn to trust him ahah, but wanting to be worthy of anderson’s approval shaped a lot of his career decisions

#neositter #ask #oc: ari shepard

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bananonbinary · 6 years ago

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i ended up venting a lot in the tags of that last post but thats not fair so im gonna vent here instead

my dad made me and my sister do ALL the housework from when we were about 7 years old. my mom wasnt ALLOWED to help us. there was even a period of time where he demanded we do it all before school and if we didnt finish in time we would just be late for school and have to deal with it.

and by all the housework i mean ALL of it. daily. even shit that you generally dont do daily. the chores split between us and switching off every week were: one kid does the dishes, cleans the kitchen (counters, sweeping, mopping if necessary, takes out the trash, wipes down the table) and the bathroom (again, counters, sweeping, mirror, trash, toilet wasnt necessary each day but was still a responsibility). the other kid vacuumed the entire downstairs and dusted everything, moving shit like the dining room table by ourself to clean behind/under it. on weekends (by which i mean only saturday because we were Good Christians Who Dont Work On The Sabbath) we were ALSO responsible for cleaning our rooms, again vacuuming and moving shit like the bed to get everything under it, AND thoroughly cleaning out and vacuuming one of the two cars (my dad liked to live like we had more money than we did, thats another story. we had two cars and my shoes always had holes in them).

we didnt get an allowance for it either. the only reward was not having dad yell at us and go all scary. when he started cleaning anything himself, you knew it was time to go hide in your room and lock the door.

granted, as we got older, we stopped actually DOING these chores everyday because you cant actually fucking do that while balancing private school homework and extracurricular activities. my dad stopped the “do it or just dont go to school” shit when even he realized school was more important, but that didnt stop him from GRADING us each week. by middle school we still didnt have allowance, but he gave us what he called “commission” based on how well we did that week. a promised $10 usually went down to like $1.50 because of how “badly” we did and wasnt worth the weekly shaming ritual, so we both stopped asking for our earned money too.

a side-note: saturdays were also the one day of the week set aside to spend quality time with him, in what he called “daddy-daughter days.” a really nice idea in principle, each week he would take one of us out to like go exploring or see a movie or visit a museum or go to the zoo, whatever we wanted. EXCEPT. since we had so many extra chores on saturday it basically ended up being another “reward” for getting everything done in time, and if we took too long we didnt get to go. because spending time with ur kid should totally be predicated on how much they do for you. (im complaining but these outings were actually the best thing he ever did for us and are something every dad should do with their child imo. it just sucks that his affection was implicitly connected to our performance.)

god. sometimes i think “man im probably overreacting, my childhood wasn’t all that different from most peoples” and then i accidentally write 6 goddamn paragraphs of this shit and wow my childhood was really fucked up huh

#abuse ment #so much venting under the cut #its so long u guys i didnt mean to vent for so long #i thought it was gonna be like half a paragraph and then it wasnt #god i need a therapist that i trust #lol and i wonder why im such a slob now #its almost like cleaning is a massive trigger for me or something #my mom too our house is such a mess all the time #and its GREAT

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the-marvel-imagines-blog · 6 years ago

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Madness | Chpt. 6

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Collateral Damage”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 4,786

Warnings: hurt/no comfort, Angry!Eva, violence, Angry!Loki

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: I want to take a moment to apologize for my absence. I’ve had some health problems recently, and within the last couple of weeks, I’ve lost entire days thanks to said problems. I’m finally feeling well enough again to post, but during my time being sick, I’ve managed to come up with quite a bit of content. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc.! Please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning. There are some timeline changes, character changes, etc. Once again, thank you so much for reading. I love you all <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

“Looks like you lost,” I dictated as I dragged him down the stairs to the dungeons. My entire body felt like it was on fire, but it didn’t stop the shiver from running down my spine at the thought of what he was capable of. Ezra showed us something none of us could’ve expected. He was skilled in ways that we were unprepared for, ways I didn’t even know could exist. I still trembled at the thought of my slain comrades-members of Odin’s kingsguard-rising and fighting against us. The more people of ours Ezra killed, the more people he had fighting for him. The battle was unfair and horrific, but we still won even after members of the kingsguard forced Odin away from the situation. Ezra had surrendered after we had gotten him onto his knees. My sword had been pressed against his throat, and all I needed to do was give it one swift motion to kill him. I couldn’t, though.

There was something that kept me from killing him, but I had no idea what it was. Maybe it was the familiarity in those green eyes or the endless knowledge he seemed to have about me. Still, my decision to keep him alive could be useful in the future of Asgard. He was another enemy who would be a prisoner in the dungeons, a man we could retrieve information from. He snickered at me, “you may have won, but what did it cost you?” he asked, glancing down at the wound on my abdomen.

I ignored his comment, feeling the pain radiating from the wound. During the battle, he had taken a swing at Ephinea, a blow I did my best to protect her from. I had pushed her back and tried to put as much distance between him and I as possible, but it wasn’t enough. My sword blocked his axe, and while I struggled to disarm him, I was unaware of the dagger he pulled out until he buried it in my abdomen. The dagger cut right through my training armor-which had not been suitable for battle-and pierced into my flesh. I had not yet seen it, but a piece of me was convinced it was nothing while the rational part of myself was sure it was something much more than I was prepared to deal with. If I could still walk, I was fine.

Behind Ezra and I were the remaining members of the kingsguard who did not sustain significant injuries as well along with Ephinea, Sif, and the warriors three. Thor had taken to the throne room with his father to discuss what would come next. Everyone in the dungeons was silent when they saw the crowd of warriors that it took to secure the newest prisoner. They watched us in a stunned silence, including Loki. I avoided all eye contact with the God of Mischief, still hurt by his actions an entire week ago. While I wished for an empty cell anywhere else in the dungeons, the only free one was directly across from Loki’s, which would undoubtedly cause me to worry much more than I should have. The cells were practically impenetrable, and even if Ezra managed to break free of his cell, there would be no real reason for him to go after Loki.

As we stood in front of his cell, he turned to face me as I spoke, “this is gonna be your new home. I don’t know where you came from or what you knew before this, but you won’t be going back there anytime soon. You said you haven’t seen a sunrise for more than 300 years?” I asked, and he nodded his head, a grin forming on his lips in anticipation for what I was about to say, “well, be prepared to wait another 300 because you aren’t getting out of here for a long time,” I growled, glaring up at him and his apathetic expression. It was as if he had no remorse at all for the lives he had taken, like the entire battle before this meant nothing to him. His reaction was sickening.

He cocked one of his thick eyebrows, “you have a fire within you that you try to ignore, pet, but you can’t hide it from me,” he replied before lunging forward and attacking my lips with his. It shocked me at first, but I leaned into it after a moment, realizing that I could use it to my advantage. Everyone around us who was there to ensure his safe transportation to his cell was left in shock, but they always knew that I had a plan. My lips molded together with his thick ones, and while I was disgusted to be kissing the man who just killed so many of my people, I knew that this was going to work out in my favor. While Ezra was distracted by the kiss, I eased one of my daggers from its sheath at my side and reached behind him before sinking it into his lower back.

He sucked in a sharp breath, disconnecting our lips. His face distorted in pain, and his chest rumbled as I pulled the dagger from his body, twisting it in the process. Once it was out, I dropped it on the ground behind him and reached into the small pouch on my belt to pull out one of the tracking devices I always carried with me. In one swift motion, I shoved two of my fingers into the wound to deposit the tracking device as deeply as possible. He grunted and twisted to break free of my grasp, but I would not release him. I released the tracking device once I was sure it was embedded deep enough that he could not feel it and dig it out on his own. When I finally removed my fingers, I rested my hand against his wound and focused all of my energy on transferring it over to myself. That was the one downfall of my healing power. I was unable to heal someone without transferring their wounds onto myself. While he was not worthy of my help, I couldn’t leave the wound open for fear that he would just pull the device out. Now, it he wanted to take it out, he would have to cut himself open and dig for it.

As the wound transferred to myself, I gritted my teeth, but nothing could compare to the wound on my abdomen. It was like if one had been stabbed by Surtur himself, a scraped knee could never compare to it, so the pain was far more tolerable. Once I finished healing his wound, I glared up at him, “you’re going to have a lot of time to think while you’re down here, and that’s all you get to do. If you move, I’ll know about it. If you speak, I’ll know about it. If you have any thoughts about breaking out of your cell, I will know about it. I didn’t kill you today because I believe in second chances. If you fail to cooperate or if you become a threat to anyone I know or love, I will not hesitate to kill you,” I growled at him.

He nodded his head, “my execution would be against the Allfather’s wishes. It’s a beautiful sentiment-it truly is-but...tell me, pet, how will you protect the two people you love most when one is here and one is on Midgard?” he asked, referencing her once more.

My eyes widened, and he smirked at the look of dread that was clear on my face. I saw my reflection in his eyes and saw a girl who had everything to lose, someone who had lost so much already. As my protective instincts kicked in, I grew furious that he even put their safety in question. I pulled my fist back and landed a hard punch against his cheek. When his head snapped to the side to accommodate the blow, I swiped his feet out from under him to bring him down to the ground. As he caught himself on his knees, I pulled out my other dagger and pressed it against his throat with one hand while I grabbed a fistful of his hair with the other. I squatted down to be at his level, “say it again,” I growled.

He smirked, “and what if I did? What if I threatened them again?” he asked, challenging me, “would you kill me, an unarmed man on his knees? Would you take my life the same way your enemies took your friends life on Vanaheim? You and I both know that you don’t have what it takes,” he hissed, bringing up Hjalmar. My chest tightened, “the only way to save the ones you love so dearly is to accept your destiny, to accept what you’re truly meant to be.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “and what is that?”

“A god,” he answered with a smile as he leaned into my blade against his throat, “just like me.”

I shook my head, my entire body trembling as anger and rage built up in my chest, “I am nothing like you,” I growled, furious that he would even try to compare the two of us. He fought and killed so many of my people and raised them back to be monsters. What was it for? I only fought when it needed to be done. I didn’t seek out confrontation. I fought, and even killed, the few who put the lives of the many at stake, and it always sat with me. The eyes of my victims never left my mind, for I was aware that I had taken someone’s loved one away from them. Ezra showed in the short time I knew him that he was nothing like that. He killed without remorse, and I saw no conflict in his eyes once it was over. We were nothing alike.

He chuckled, “that’s where you’re wrong, pet. You and I are more alike than you know, and that’s how I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that you’ll lose both of them in time,” he said, and my heart felt like it would fall through the floor. How did he know all of my deepest and darkest fears? That was always the one thing that scared me the most: losing the ones I loved. Of course, it was the fear of so many people, but he was able to pull up the two people I cared for more than anything else and use their safety against me, “it’s in your nature. You’ll always lose,” he added.

My chest rose and fell as I struggled to find air. It felt like his threats were taking the air from my lungs, and I felt like I would suffocate. I saw how big a threat he was, but we managed to bring him down together. I didn’t want to imagine what Cul’s entire army could do. Everything had been thrown at us so quickly, as we had no knowledge of who Cul was or that Odin even had an older brother at all. Everything that happened that day just made me feel uncertain of everything. Still, I couldn’t show Ezra that, “and what about you? You’re the man who kneels before me with my dagger against his throat. You lost,” I hissed.

“You’ll need me soon enough,” he remarked, gesturing down to the stab wound on my abdomen that throbbed with a pain I never experienced before. The wound hurt badly enough that it felt like I would be sick from the pain. I had been stabbed before, and the wounds never felt quite like that. Perhaps, it had just been too long, and I forgot the sensation. I shook the thoughts from my mind and focused on him once more as he continued, “and the moment you come to me, begging for my help, is the moment when you’ll finally realize that you are the one who has lost,” he sneered, his eyes cutting right through me. It was like he could see every weakness and insecurity I had.

“If you or anyone else tries hurt the people I care for, you won’t be able to find shelter from the storm I unleash. You don’t want to make me an enemy,” I threatened him.

He shook his head as if he was disappointed in me, and I furrowed my eyebrows. When his eyes finally met mine once more, he snickered to himself, “you speak like a warrior, but there is no true weight in your words. I know-as well as you do-that you would never pose a threat to the one thing you believe in more than anything else: Life. That’s why I know you won’t kill me. I’m not afraid of you,” he stated, nonchalantly as he leaned into the blade, hard enough to draw blood.

I stood up, sheathing my dagger, before pulling him up onto his feet. He stood much taller than me, but I didn’t feel small in that moment. Even though I was insecure about what would come next, I couldn’t show my fears to the man who was threatening the lives of the people I loved. I needed to be strong, or he would take advantage of my weaknesses. I grabbed a fistfull of his hair and pulled his head down to mine, maintaining eye contact the entire time, “you aren’t afraid of me,” I hissed before leaning in to his ear, “but you should be,” I whispered the line I had been told only once before. It had shaken me to the very core when it was said to me, but I felt powerful now that I was on the other end. My voice was low enough so that only he could hear me, and once I finished, I pulled away from him and shoved him into his cell. Ephinea activated the cell wall before he was even able to regain his balance. I couldn’t help the smile as I watched him struggle to not fall onto his face, but the sharp pain in my abdomen cut that short.

Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, I turned to face the members of the Kingsguard. They were some of the most well-trained warriors Asgard had to offer, so much so that they were trusted with protecting the Allfather himself. The kingsguard lined the halls of the palace at all times of the day and night, and they stood guard over the dungeons as well. I picked up my blood-covered dagger that I had dropped on the floor moments prior and lowered it back into its sheath. I pointed over at Ezra but stayed focused on the warriors before me, “I want two guards posted outside his cell every second of every day. I never want him left unsupervised, and if he is, you’re going to wish that you experienced the Allfather’s wrath instead of mine,” I threatened, feeling my unchecked fury rising further and further in my chest. I surprised myself at the harsh tone of my voice, but I didn’t change it, “if he shows any signs of agitation, I want to know about it. If he takes one step out of line, I want to know about it. If he breathes offbeat, I want to know about it. I want every detail of his existence to be monitored while he’s down here. I want nothing to go unnoticed. If he speaks out of line, I want to know what he said and when he said it. Do you understand?”

I saw the startled expression on every face of the men before me. I had always been known for my calm and collected nature, and the only time I ever broke away from that was when I was in battle. Even then, I had never been so ruthless, especially never with them. They all nodded in agreement to my orders, but one of the guards stepped forward, his eyes just as confused as the rest, “I mean you no offense when I ask this, but...what would you do about it, my lady?”

As I brushed past all of them, needing to take my place with Thor and Odin to discuss our next moves, I answered his question, “I’ll kill him.”

Before I could make it very far at all, Ezra yelled after me, “good luck, pet. I take pity on you for what is about to come,” he shouted, that booming voice echoing throughout the silent dungeons. It was as if every prisoner stood completely still as I walked by-all but one. As I walked past Loki’s cell, I stared straight ahead, refusing to even look his way, still hurt by what transpired between us a week prior. It broke my heart to ignore him that way, but I had to focus on the safety of the Nine Realms. A piece of it was also to protect him. If there was a chance I could convince Ezra that I no longer cared for Loki, that Loki wasn’t a weakness of mine that he could exploit, I was going to take it. It was the best way to protect Loki at that point.

As I walked past his cell, he banged on the wall, yelling my name and trying to attract my attention, but I still didn’t give in. I blinked away the tears in my eyes, my heart shattering as I had to look the other way once more. I did that before, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it again. I was still hurt and angry at him for what he said when I visited him that night, but I could never stay mad at him for too long, not over trivial things like that. Even as I ascended the stairs, I could still hear his pained voice calling my name. My ears began ringing, and the world around me seemed unsteady. When I reached the last few stairs, the wound on my abdomen sent a piercing pain through my entire body, and I jolted forward to accommodate the sudden and intense pain. If Loki had seen me fall as I had in that moment, he would’ve laughed at me before falling down with me, not wanting me to feel isolation and embarrassment. I coughed, and the fleeting thoughts of my love were pushed to the side as I tasted the blood in my mouth. I swallowed it back just as the guards ran over to me to help me up, just like Loki would have done.

*Loki’s POV*

I felt the immeasurable pain that she was experiencing, and I couldn’t help but feel like there was something seriously wrong. That was one of the things that never stopped for me, no matter how deep my madness became. She was still there, an untouched and untainted beauty among the raging wildfire that was my mind. I could always feel her pain, her suffering, her joy, and her love. I could feel every emotion and every ounce of physical pain, which Thanos used to his advantage. While it killed me inside to know that she was hurting, it let me know that she was still alive, wherever she was. This sensation was something new, though. I could barely stand due to the pain in my abdomen. Even when she had transferred his wound onto herself, it couldn’t hold a candle to the pain I began experiencing no long before.

Everyone began filing out of the dungeons aside from the two guards Eva demanded always stand watch over the new prisoner. I had never seen Eva deal with anyone quite like that, but he must’ve made her feel something otherworldly to pull out that side of her. Watching it was exhilarating in a way that I never would’ve expected. I could feel the anger and pain coursing through her veins every moment she stood before him, but I could also feel her conflict. When he mentioned two people-one here and one on Midgard-I found myself trying to piece together who it could be. Perhaps he was speaking about Aaldir or Thor. I was certain she cared little for me after what I did the last time we saw each other. The unnamed person on Earth was what I tried to piece together first, though. Was it Tony Stark? I noticed that the two of them had quite the connection when I was around them on Midgard. What if it was the Soldier? The two of them shared similar beliefs, and he had protected her from near death quite a few times.

When another piercing pain erupted in my abdomen, I gritted my teeth and grunted, reaching for the tender spot. As I tried to breathe through the pain, I heard his laughter from the cell diagonal to mine, “you must be Loki!” he smiled, amused at my pain. I knew that madness well, well enough to know that it was not all his own. Someone had taken advantage of a weakness and used it against him. A small part of me felt empathy for him, but I couldn’t help but think of how he must’ve hurt Eva. As I glared up at him, he cocked his head to the side, “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m a pretty big fan because of what you did on Midgard-you know, attempting to kill everyone who wouldn’t blindly follow your rule. I have to say that it was a bold move for the unloved son of a false king,” he barked before taking a deep breath and calming his nerves, “I’m Ezra Culson, the new bane of Eva’s existence. You’ve been replaced.”

“What did you do to her?” I yelled, anxious to know what had transpired to bring about a pain like this. Before Ezra pointed out the wound on her abdomen, it was barely noticeable, especially since she showed little signs of discomfort while she was in the dungeons. Still, shortly before she came down to the dungeons, I had felt the intense pain, and I knew she had been stabbed. This sensation, however, was so different than before. When we were on Midgard, I...she had been stabbed. That was nothing like this. I grunted as I stood up straight, trying to ignore the burning sensation.

Ezra shook his head, a hint of guilt in his eyes that didn’t seem completely genuine, “I didn’t come here to fight-not today, anyway-but when Odin refused to my terms and your brother refused my offer to take Eva off your hands, I had no choice. She got in the way,” he said, nonchalantly as he shrugged it off like it was nothing. Even the guards outside of his cell were disturbed. Everyone in Asgard knew Eva, and everyone knew that she was the embodiment of all that was good and light in this world. Ezra acted as if his action of attacking her was nothing serious, like attacking her wasn’t like he was attacking the very fabric of life itself. During my stunned silence, he continued to speak, “let’s just say that you’re not the only one who has it out for Odin.”

“I couldn’t care less about him. You hurt her!” I snapped, slamming my fist against the cell wall and startling the guards and the other prisoners within the dungeons. Ezra would have a hard time in the dungeons because no matter how much the other prisoners hated Odin and Asgard, they could not bring themselves to even speak unkindly of Eva. The longer the prisoners stayed in the dungeons, the more they grew accustomed to her singing, and because Eva showed the planet so much love and kindness, everyone who resided here could feel her energy coursing through them. Her connection to the world and life was incredible. As my chest tightened, I glared at him, “you hurt her, and I’m going to kill you for that,” I growled in a low voice.

He shrugged it off again, “collateral damage,” he remarked, “it’s nothing that can’t be undone. When she gives in and leaves with me, which she will, I’ll heal her, and we’ll be on our way.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” I yelled once more, realizing that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, and I was allowing it to happen. He was crawling right under my skin, and I couldn’t stop it. It was like Thanos all over again. Ezra just knew my weakness, and he was going to exploit it. He would try to break me, but I wouldn’t lose Eva again, and that was what kept me from falling back into the comfort of my own darkness.

He chuckled, “I have a better claim to her even as an outsider, or did you forget?” he asked, and my eyes widened as it felt like my chest would completely cave in. He couldn’t have been referencing that moment, but it wouldn’t surprise me with all that he knew about Eva and myself. A part of me wished to know where he acquired this information, but the part that took hold of me in that moment was still the nervous and insecure man I was before I fell from the Bifrost, before I pushed Eva out of my life, before I realized that I would never truly be my father’s son. I could still remember Odin’s words as if our conversation was happening that very moment:

“A girl who could pass as a princess even without a prince would be better suited for Thor, and I will not entertain these childish games any longer!”

It was the first moment in my life that I felt utterly hopeless. All that I had done up until that moment seemed like it was in vain. I had loved Eva, and she loved me. When she forced me to relive that memory in the dream, I couldn’t help but associate it with the conversation that followed with my father. He had been the one to pull me from our beautiful moment, our last beautiful moment. Our conversation was meant to open the doors for millions of other beautiful moments, but he slammed those doors in my face, telling me that I would never be worthy enough for Eva, that she was being saved for Thor. It was the beginning of my downfall, and she was the one who was hurt most from it.

While my chest heaved, I imagined ripping his tongue from his throat. I imagined slitting his throat open while he spoke of how Eva was nothing more than “collateral damage.” I imagined his blood on my hands as I tore him apart for what he did to her and for what he tried to do to me. I knew that all he had to do was exploit my weakness, and he would be able to turn me against her. Something in me was broken, and he wanted to toy around with it, “speak one more word, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to you,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at him and realizing just how familiar they looked, like I had seen them a thousand times before. Green...like the color of spring.

He chuckled, sitting on the floor and tucking his legs under himself. It seemed as if he would let my comment roll off his back, but that was the opposite of what he did. Instead, he brought up the one thing I cared about more than anything else. Eva. He grinned, madness in his eyes, “threaten me again, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to her.”

Without warning, my mind felt like it was being torn apart, like the broken edges were being chipped away at. As I fell to the floor in a massive pain radiating from the ghost wound on my abdomen and the sudden and intense pain in my own mind, I gritted my teeth and groaned loudly. I could remember her eyes that day, the day I hurt her more than I could ever forgive myself for. I had expected her to look at me like I was a monster, like I was her enemy. However, she didn’t. She spoke my name with fear in her eyes and sorrow in her voice. It was my first moment of clarity in so long, but it was also my greatest moment of weakness and tragedy because I hurt the one thing I wished to protect: my friend, my princess, my love.

My Eva.

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nintxndos · 6 years ago

Text

an nsfw ask meme (hide ur eyes kiddos)

I was looking through my blog and saw I answered this ask meme back in 2016 and the answers are preeetttyyyy different so I thought i would give it a go again

1. Are you a virgin? nope havent been for a hot minute now

2. Does anyone besides you know your bra/penis size? Yes ive mentioned it to my bff a few times lmfao

3. Do you know anyone who has any STDs? Yeah my fucking dad (actually it may have been an sti but still)

4. Were you married when you first lost your virginity? nope lmfao

5. Do you swear under celibacy? nah man

6. When did you first lose your virginity? If you haven't, when would you like to? ugh back in 2016 not a good time tbh

7. Have you ever gotten tricked into aphrodisiacs or alcohol for sex? nope

8. Have you walked in on someone masturbating/having sex? Yeah my parents when I was 5 amd I still remember it vividly

9. Have you ever seen someone masturbate or have sex with their permission? yes I quite enjoy it tbh

10. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex? the couch in my boyfriends parents house when everyone was home

11. If you had to chose one, would you have outdoor sex or car sex? car sex bc I dont want grass in my asshole

12. When was the age you first masturbated? Whether you knew it or not? probably 14 or 15

13. Have you ever helped someone "finish"? yes I really love it too

14. Have you ever had an erection in the past month? (clitorial counts, too) I dont know?

15. When was the last time you have had an erection? (clitorial counts, too) didnt know this was a thing tbh lmfao

16. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? gonna take a guess and say no

17. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate) clitoral

18. What is your bra/penis size? 38DD

19. Has anyone seen your private parts other than yourself or a family member? yes

20. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? a boys dick ayyy

21. Do you like rough sex or intimate sex better? rough sex gets me fucked UP (though intimate is nice too)

22. When was the last time you masturbated? uhhh 2 days ago maybe?

23. When was the last time you had sex? god two weeks ago and im dying i swear

24. When was the last time you watched porn? a few days ago maybe

25. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do? yes i have y first was a little blue bullet and the most recent is a vibrating dildo

26. Guys: Circumsized? not male

27. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? thighs and neck fuckkk

28. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? the clit baby!!

29. Girls: Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation? nope though wow good for the ladies who can

30. What color/type of underwear are you wearing? blue panties and a floral bra

31. Have you ever sent someone a picture or video of you in the nude? Did it include sexual actions? absolutely

32. Have you ever posted a picture of image of you in the nude on a website? Did it include sexual actions? nope

33. Have you ever anonymously sent/posted a picture or video of yourself in the nude? Did it include sexual actions? nope

34. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr? nope

35. When was the last time you have had a wet dream? maybe a week or so ago?

36. Which wet dream was your favorite? not sharing lmfao

37. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? well im currently dating my best friend of 7/8 years

38. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? yes

39. Have you ever masturbated with someone? yeah

40. Have you ever took a shower with someone that is not a family member? no :'----( I dont even wanna fuck in the shower I just want my back washed

41. Favorite sexual position? If you are a virgin, which position interests you? honestly i love missionary

42. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? Fuck yes

43. Are you into any BDSM? god yeah

44. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why? yes because we live 3 hours away 😪😪

45. Turn on's? choking, spanking, being called names, ropes

46. Turn off's? age play is a no go

47. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone? Was it about anyone other than your lover? yes i have and since we started dating absolutely not

48. Have you ever had phone sex? Video sex? Chat box sex? yes like all the time the (since he lives 3 hours away)

49. What was the weirdest thing that has ever turned you on? uhhh I cant think of anything right now tbh

50. Do you like dirty talk? oh fuck yeah

51. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? usually quiet bc i have to but I love being loud for my boyfriend

52. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation? Who/what? yeah someone came downstairs and started yelling abt something, also my bf and I were fucking on the couch and the remote fell over

53. Most embarressing sex/masturbation story? god my exs mom walked in right after I gave him a blow job and she was like "what are you kids doing?"

54. Most hilarious sex/masturbation story? bruh my bf and i were trying to fuck and we had to watch his sisters dog (like in the room) and she started trying to sniff his ass it was so fucking funny he jumped off me

55. What kind of porn do you like to watch? I dont really watch porn anymore tbh

56. First type of porn you have ever watched? (ie. lesbian, hentai, threesome) leabian for sure

57. What was the most recent type of porn you have ever watched? What category was it under? uhhh threesome I think

58. Most hilarious/stupidest porn you have ever watched? dude this man had a pizza around his dick and the chicks grandpa deadass had a heartattack and she still rode him

59. Have you ever fantasized over someone older than you? How much older? Younger? How much younger? chris evans tbh (older by a hot second)

60. Favorite sex toy (if any)? I quite like my purple dildo

61. Have you ever had to break up with/divorce someone because you weren't satisfied with their sex? nah

62. Have you ever used anything/gotten any surgeries to improve sexual performance/feel? nope and probably never will

63. If someone you knew asked for a nude image, would you do it? What about a tumblr follower? yes for my boyfriend anytime but not for any of yall sorry

64. Have you ever told someone any wet dreams/fantasies you've had about them? yes my bf is a fan of them

65. Do you like to have sex like they do in pornos? no bc I have real orgasms (finally!!!)

66. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them? yes I tell my bf and we have phone sex at least once a week

67. Are you able to be secretive when you masturbate? (like able to be quiet so no one can hear?) yeah I kinda have to

68. When was the first time you achieved orgasm? when i was 15 I was literally sitting on a closed toilet in my house bc I shared a room at the time w my sister so i had no choice

69. Is there only one way so far that you have been able to achieve orgasm? (ie. only by using toys, only from 1 positon,only from masturbating a certain way) nah I can do clitoral, clitoral/penatrative, and just penetration

70. Favorite type of oral? the kind w his tongue on my pussy?

71. Strangest sexual positon you've tried? havent really done any strange positions

72. Have you ever made up a sexual postion? not that I'm aware of

73. Girls: During sex, vaginal or anal? vaginal i fucking hate anal

74. Girls: During masturbation, clitorial, vaginal, or anal? clitoral

75. Do you like to be dominant or submissive? I love being a whiny sub

76. Have you ever masturbated to someone? yes

77. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn't there when you needed them? god yes that is why I usually masturbate

78. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? yes and absolutely not

79. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial? yes and no

80. Have you ever had sex with someone who wasnt your partner? not while we were dating no, but ive had sex w people who arent him

81. Has any of your partners had sex with someone else? yes

82. Have you ever gotten pregnant? Were they your lover's or someone else's? nope though ive had a scare or two

83. Birth control or condoms? birth control

84. Do you ever masturbate to porn? not really anymore

85. Does anyone know you masturbate? Did you have to tell them? yes and not really?

86. Did your parents ever find out you were sexually active? yup

87. Do you have any STDs? nope

88. Have you ever masturbated to a fictonal character or celebrity? yeah when i was like 15/16

89. Have you ever had sex during "7 minutes in heaven"? nope never even played bc its lame

90. Spit or swallow? Or do you not like oral? I swallow if he cums in my mouth but i love getting it on my faceeee

91. Have you ever been rejected for sex? Have you ever rejected someone else? nope and yes

92. Do you have someone who said they are willing to take away your virginity if you havent lost it by a set age or if you just want to have a good time? no

93. Have you ever experimented with the opposite sex? yes

94. When you first lost your virginity, was it intended or spontanious? intended bc thats the only way we ever had sex unfortunately

95. Has anyone ever walked in when you were taking a shower with someone? nah

96. Did you ever tell someone once you lost your virginity? yeah I literally called my best friend (current boyfriend)

97. Does your lover know if you have masturbated? yes

98. Does your lover know that you want to have sex with them but cant? yes!! we dont live together and we are constantly horny it sucks!!!!

99. Do you like masturbation? eh

100. (Asker's ask) If i were to ask you if we could have sex, would you say yes? nope sorry

#mine #ask meme #meme #ask #ns/fw

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wrenchyyyy · 6 years ago

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Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on. My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go. I will not be going back to tumblr . Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it. Twitter and snapchat. I’ll stay on those. Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know. It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore. I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say. I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away. It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017. I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000. Family I keep saying it. I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with. It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are. My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins. They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them. My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters. I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me? Who knows.. all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad. They def don’t know I’m depressed. They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.

Friends wise I can’t deny. I have friends in all stages of my life. GSA, QP, and MSU. But do I see them ? no? Do i connect with them on THAT level? Sure. Depending on the people. In grammar school, I had John and Grace. In Qp, I had Ade. In college, I had Cassie. THAT level. I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace. Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did. That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL. John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard. We can’t just meet up and talk. Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU. Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same. She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me. This devastated me more than even I knew. I had to talk to Ade about this. If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships. Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest). Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her. The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao. Really. The crazy part now. I am at ease with Ade. We both matured. She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is. I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok. It’s what I always wanted. Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me. The talks on family, life, careers, everything. gone. The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation. I’m not entitled to know why she left. I just have to accept it. It’s true. I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit. I have to see it from her point of view. She prob thought I was crazy lmfao. but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone. Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore. Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media. I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too. Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao. The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend. She wasnt even my best friend tbh. She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life. Thank you Cassie. I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt. Also that she was a great friend to you.

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it. Move on Chris. The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore. One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed” which is crazy. I don’t even talk to that girl. I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it. Irene i will forever be grateful for. This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her. It really helped me mentally with that trip. Ade is ade. She’s a good person. She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.

I guess it’s crazy how it works. Ade helped me get through Grace. Cassie helped me get through Ade. Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie. lmao . In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore. Irene is well Irene. I fucking love that girl.

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich. They moved away and it hurt me alot. Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with. It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff. Again looking back, I just felt alone. Sad. and just depressed. I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain. It did not work. I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.

I always try to tell myself. What do people see you as? What do they see you doing? Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it. I did alot of things I never thought I can do. 22/30 Baseball parks, maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own. Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise. In 2019, I want to find purpose again. I really do. I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me. Like Irene and Ade. Like my GSA friend. Like Kim and Jan and nick. like I do have friends. I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay. You will survive. That void hurts. I get it. As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad. Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up. I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it. but if you don’t respond or answer. I get it. It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone. My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces. Any way.

Farewell to anyone reading this. If any one reads this.

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phantomrose96 · 7 years ago

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hi! i saw your post about running your mile under 8 minutes lately and so on; i was wondering how you got started into running in the first place? you said spite, haha, but was there anything else that helped? i've always majorly sucked at running, so seeing someone who similarly wasnt great improve so much is real neat. thanks!

it was a combination of various things, but at its core it really was spite.

My parents are both pretty athletic and so are both my brothers so I was always the straggler, and that always hurt my pride growing up. It made me want to avoid exercise since I was always bottom of the barrel and I looked dumb trying ha.

I’ve tried at various times to “take up an exercise routine” when I was in middle school and high school. (I played for the high school tennis team but even then I knew I had pitiable stamina). I would try to take up treadmill routines and I would have the conviction for maybe a couple weeks before falling out.

Then about three years ago I decided to try again. I was home on my first winter break and I didn’t have much else going on. And my thinking was pretty much “if I fail at starting a routine this time, then this effort will be just as pointless as every other forgettable effort I’ve tried to do in my life and I may as well just not even try if I’m gonna give up again”

So I stuck with it. And boy I hated it. I would do these “run 1 minute, walk 1 minute” trade offs on the treadmill, and even then that “run” was kind of a jog at best. But I still did it. And I was nervous about getting back to school and going to the school gym because “oh boy Real Athletes are gonna see me run-walking and struggling to do even that”

Once I got back to school I basically pushed myself to keep up a “run” for as long as possible. (I’m talking like 5mph, which is more a jog). I got up to 2 miles at once at that speed, then 3, then 4, then 5. After about a month or two of consistent work I actually started to enjoy running, and I’ve kept that up. Even if occasionally I need to put it on the backburner because of school work or other responsibilities, I always come back to it. And I think that’s the difference. It’s not that you always have to find the time to exercise every day. Just that you have to not give into the urge to say “whelp, im too busy, guess im gonna drop this habit ho hum”

And what’s been a huge help in all this has actually been having an iPad, ha. (An iphone can work the same, just smaller screen). Because I watched shows and music videos while running. I rewatched the entirety of FMA:B running on a treadmill. As well as all of BNHA seasons 1 and 2.

And also, its a good idea to keep challenging yourself. I usually have the most fun if I’m trying to work myself up to some sort of new milestone. I’ve run something like half-a-dozen half-marathons on the treadmill. Once ran 30 miles in 3 days. Just recently I hit a 7:40 min mile.

And really, if you can get through the month or two of hating it, it’s really really worth taking up as a habit. It’s really helpful for stress management. It makes you feel more confident. Anime is way more hype when you’re running.

In the end, I guess what I really did was just aim for slightly higher and higher goals along the way. I sculpted it into something I could come to enjoy. And I absolutely, spitefully refused to let myself quit during the “I hate this” phase. I had no desire and no motivation to do this in the early days besides “bitch nah we’re gonna do it this time”.

#ask #Anonymous

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illfigureitoutasigoalong · 4 years ago

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being there

i was born alone and i will die alone. i have to find a way to romanticize this.

i’ve had an interesting day. i was fine with it until about 5 minutes ago. we carved pumpkins with CL and liam. CL randomly left in the middle of us carving? did not tell anyone he was leaving, just straight up left. at first it really pissed me off but then again he wasn’t raised to be any better than that. i really wonder why CJL and the whole lewis family acts the way they do. where did they go wrong? we were so close once. i digress.

i saw a tumblr post a while back that said something like “i learned a lot about being a friend when i was alone.” it really stuck with me. and now i know why.

anyway the reason i came to my realization: a few weeks ago i was up late and i shed a tear because i love my sister so much. like i truly feel like she is my soul mate (not in a gross creepy romantic way) but i just have a hard time believing i will feel as close to anyone ever as i will feel to her. i have to stop this feeling. because i know she doesn’t feel the same way. it’s not that shes trying to be cruel or intentionally mean, i just really feel as though she simply does not have the capacity to feel that way about me.

she is reserving this feeling for a lover. i literally just realized this, even though i have been putting this together for a few days.

she told me in the car today when we were having a heart to heart “the other day when you told me you cried cause you love me so much? i love you to death but i’ve never done that.” and it hurt??? like she didn’t say it or mean it in a mean way but i was kind of gutted. and yesterday we were in the kroger parking lot and someone posted on IG “what is the best non sexual act of intimacy you can think of?” and she said “dying of laughter together, or basically everything we (as in she and i) do together but with a boyfriend.” which is fine! but now it all makes sense.

i used to think all the time to myself “i don’t need anyone, not friends, not a girlfriend or partner, no one else. as long as i have my sister.” but i can’t feel that way anymore. recently as she has had health issues i think about what i would do if i lost her. i feel like i would die too. in a literal sense. but she wouldn’t if she lost me. she has said so. “it would be hard, but i would keep going.”

i’ve never felt so lonely. even when i was in college and i didn’t have friends, or during breakups i always felt her by my side and knew i wasn’t truly alone because i fooled myself into thinking that she felt a connection to me in the same degree. but that isn’t true. god, i feel so.... gutted. i know i used that word already but its how i feel. empty on the inside in the worst way. i feel like i know something now that has changed me. and not for the better.

she is very naive. and when she thinks of love and relationships it’s a very pie in the sky all or nothing kind of thing. she expects her future husband or boyfriend to suddenly fall into place in her life and complete her. and while i definitely hope that happens, it takes work. it takes time. it won’t be perfect in the beginning and all the time. there is no one magical man out there that is absolutely perfect for her in every way. not to say theres no guy out there who loves sports, and tennis shoes, and jesus and respecting women, but also his feet may stink, and his mom may be a bitch, and he might have weird tendencies.

but shes never been in a relationship so she wouldn’t know that. and i could never tell her because she wouldn’t accept that information from me. she sees me as someone who wouldnt understand because ive been in long term relationships. don’t get me wrong, back when relationships were a far distant concept to me, i too felt that way. when i was a lot younger i thought that when i had a girlfriend everything would magically be perfect. and it doesn’t work that way. not by a long shot. in fact most of the time having a gf made me feel worse in some respects. so.

when i first came out, her reaction hurt me the most. i had never seen firsthand how selfish she could be. and what’s worse is my mom said that it was actually me who was selfish and terrible. she viewed it as me “doing this to our family” and betraying my sister and taking something from her because i was dating her friend. it wasnt until almost 4 years later when i broke up with s, that things feel normal again. who even knows what will happen when i date someone new and they have no excuse not to like her.

not to mention, ever since that moment, when i realized that my sister could never be happy for me getting married or having those kinds of life milstones, i always hoped and prayed that the rest of the “sterotypical life events” would happen to her first. because i know for sure she wouldn’t be able to be happy for me without being sad for herself. i knew she would cry at my wedding because she’s not married, i knew she would be sad for me having kids because she wouldn’t have kids of her own (if that kind of thing would happen to me first). even when i was dating s, i refrained from taking photos, not because i was worried about what people i know would say on social media, but because i didn’t want my sister to see it and resent me.

that has to stop. i can’t keep doing it. i always silence myself in order to make my family comfortable. especially when it comes to me being gay. i don’t watch my tiktoks out loud, i don’t talk about my favorite books and shows and movies because they are all gay. i censor myself in a weird way and they don’t even know i’m doing it. it fucking sucks. and for what? it’s literally not helping anyone.

anyway back to my point. i have to start living for only myself. because i’m all i have.

from here on out, i am doing what i want, especially in terms of my apartment.

on december 1, I am applying to live at marshall. i am buying whatever i want for my place and saving up my money. i’m gonna fill my home with the gayest shit imaginable. this whole time i’ve been refraining from buying things because casey hasn’t even thought that far in advance. oh fucking well. learn to grow up. i feel like she won’t even think about the practicalities of moving until january. but i will be fucking ready.

tomorrow i am going to do things for me to make me feel better. i’m going to go get a bagel and i’m going to dress up for my costume and take photos. i’m going to make molds and sell them. i’m going to pay my taxes. i’m going shopping. i’m going to start living my life the way that i want to because i deserve to. no one who has the amazing things ive been blessed with should be as unhappy as i am.

#well fuck

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harlockauxillia30k-blog · 7 years ago

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♞ – Black Knight — Are you creative? In what ways?

Harlock and his men were dropped off on this moon three weeks ago, with the expectation to hold their designated fire base, eliminate hostile troops, and keep the landing zones clear for a future astartes reinforcement.

That was fine, because this particular jungle was nearly a death world. Perhaps not as mean as some, but soldiers were being eaten occasionally by stealthy plantlife, half the unit had minor to severe cases of what medics had begun to call ‘rickets’ (no actual name for the condition existed beforehand) due to irritable spores, the bogs sporadically placed around sucked you in, and if you stayed in too long, would act like quick sand, and the few animals encountered were all mean, terrifying, and hostile.

The locals had the right idea. They gave up on jungles for the most part and lived on mountain cities, using tunnels to move around faster. They did fight in the jungles with the Army however, just to oppose and attempt to eject the defenders. That was where groups like Harlock’s came in.

It could have been worse. Harlock had for himself a hill mercifully free of bogs and heavy foliage. After knocking some of the trees down he had the makings of a good position. Harlock cut trenches laterally into the earth in a steppe pattern on all sides, until the hill looked laced with a zigzagging set of cuts all around. The ammo dumps he kept in small dank dugouts, and his company set about adding to the dangerous landscape mines, barbed wire, and conventional traps and pitfalls.

The 2nd Centauri were poor at this at first, but Harlock had years of experience over these regular troops, and had learned most of these tasks firsthand. He lead seminars on the digging of the defenses, showed how to pile the sandbags just-so, made an example pitfall spike trap, and routinely reminded squad leaders how to identify them lest they cause friendly fire.

So, without incident beyond the terrifying jungle itself eating them alive, Harlock’s company dug into the hill, all the while the intrepid Captain lead recon missions whenever possible to try and get an idea of the immediate environs. Most of it was indecipherable, save that a swift running river was to the east, and awful bogs/swamp land surrounded it. Beyond that, Harlock couldnt distinguish- perhaps due to his straining and status as an officer of infantry, not a forward observer or recon element in a light infantry force. The men under his command did not see much either, so the company settled into a calm misery. Harlock tried to keep them alert, and harshly punished sentries caught off guard, but could not keep the entire unit as sharp as he was. It was the jungle: it blocked sight lines, and due to the Centauri’s unfamiliarity with the terrain it would be easy to sneak up all the way to the treeline, and there was only a scant 55 meters from the furthest tree to the first trench line.

Harlock observed this, and ordered a set of small dirt-and-flakboard pillboxes be cut into the current trench line to cover the communication trenches connecting the first and second trench lines. He lightened up the garrison on the first trench line, and ordered his mortar men to have a set of ranges prepared as close as 10 meters of the first trench.

...

0200 Hours, Xan-C, Jungle Moon. Hill 100.

“Heyo, Jefferson. Captain’s a real stick in the mud eh? What with all the work on this hill. Soon the marines’ll come and we’ll just leave it all to rot anyway.”

Will said, sipping a bit of insta-recaff in his pit on the front trench. Jefferson, a sentry, lazily sweeped to and fro with a magnocular set, then dipped behind the dirt wall.

“Yeaaah, he busted Mark for nodding off on duty last night. Mark’s an ass and he’d have been shot by most officers, but- really, this hill is nothing special. I heard the other hills are only getting little skirmishes here and there. The real fight is in the Cenax River Valley.”

Jefferson gestured for a lho stick.

“Greedy bastard.”

Jefferson walked over and bent over the open fire, lighting the lho stick with the flame.

“You know Jeff that dumb trick is going to burn off your damn eyebrows someday, and I really can’t wait. Your a damn Lho-leech, you know that?”

Jefferson smiled, flashing his big dumb teeth “Well you know what they say, I’m the best Lho leach in the ArRGGGH”

A long knife was stabbed into Jefferson’s neck. Before Will could shout in terror, a garrot was on him. Will struggled.

“HRK- URGH! HN!”

Steps were heard through the first trench, as two figures covered in vines and leaves struggled with Will. The one that killed Jefferson laid his body down gently, then promptly ended the noisy scuffle with a stab to Will’s heart.

“Haaa-” Will exhaled, pushing the remaining air out of his lungs, both through his mouth and the new hole in his chest, and promptly went into shock and would die in a few seconds, as the steps approached. The two figures, now joined by a small squad, drew their weapons. they were equipped with midnight blue-green camoflage uniforms their dark skin was covered in similar paint, obscuring all but their eyes and the glint of blades and metal.

...

Sergeant York walked the trench line, looking for Sentries to beat. After the incident with Mark, he was on direct orders to make sure everyone was doing their jobs. It was a quiet night, as the unit was ordered to bed early and no one was singing drinking songs or playing cards. York himself was tired, but knew that that meant his sentries were probably nodding off too- that wasnt allowed.

Then he heard some odd grunting noises, and some foot scuffles. York narrowed his eyes. “In a trench? Filthy lewd degenerates” he thought, and holstered his sidearm. Before he walked into the front pit, York whistled sharply.

“OI! YOU FETHING DEGENERATES BEST NOT BE DOIN THE NASTY. SERGEANT YORK’S GONNA SODOMIZE YA BOTH WITH HIS RIFLE IF YA ARE. GET SMART YOU FETHING-”

York walked in and was shot twice by a silenced machine gun, thankfully both non-lethal hits. A team of dark figures in foliage were crouched about in the trench, waiting for him.

“ATTACK!-” York screamed, before three more rounds promptly killed the man.

Whistles sounded all over the hill. As men woke up and walked up to their posts, a wave of soldiers washed from the tree line, and only a few sentries got any purchase against them. In about two minutes, the first line was overrun with all hands dead.

Harlock woke at the first report of las rifle, and threw on a cloak and grabbed his saber and plasma gun. A man explained in broken gothic what was going on and Harlock silently nodded, then ordered the men to ready up and deploy. Harlock himself moved to the mortar pit at the apex of the hill.

The gunners were just waking up; they had been ordered to sleep in a small smelly dugout next to the guns.

“MORTAR PLATOON!” Harlock bellowed.

“FIRE COORDINATES! Ranging fire, adjust Killzone-C to the first trench! Fire for effect!”

A sergeant looked confused. “But that’s going to hit-”

“Do it, sergeant!”

The sergeant saluted and the teams went to work. Harlock bade them no heed and ran down the lines to the second trenchline, which had sleepy units of his guard.

“Throw your grenades! Frag the first trench!” Harlock yelled, running amongst the men, checking on one position in particular.

The communications overwatch MG.

Harlock looked inside the small dirt bunker and found it abandoned despite his orders. He also saw hostile forces moving up the communications trench- silently and unopposed.

Harlock didnthave time to think. He grabbed the machinegun, which was ill suited to his style and training, and did his best to lead the targets. At least it was fed into a box of stub rounds, meaning he wouldnt have to rely on a loader yet.

Harlock squeezed the trigger, and hit a soldier of the advancing enemy, the recoil wasting the other three rounds of his short burst. Harlock cursed; there went the element of surprise. The enemy reacted immediately. A few immediately grabbed the sides of the trench and tried to climb up. Other men near the back took cover on the entrance of the communications trench, while the foremost soldiers fired as they advanced, trying to push through regardless.

Harlock knew they would frag his pillbox soon, and with his mediocre aiming skills he would not suppress the trench line. So, he pulled out a personal flare gun, and fired it direclty into the communications trench.

Amusingly, his pistol aim was much better, hitting and burning a man with the flare with a square hit to the chest.

“FLAMER! GET A FETHING FLAMER TO THE COMMUNICATION TRENCHES!”

Harlock screamed, probably fruitlessly, as the first mortars began raining down on the enemy-packed first trench line. He fired again with the machine-gun, trying hard to control its aim and only fire in short bursts for accuracy.

...the night carried on, and when it departed so too did the remainder of the enemy raid force. All told, the hill’s defenders suffered 12% casualties, and were mentioned in dispatches for their quick thinking in the moment of crisis. After the battle at Hill 100, Imperial officers were ordered on pain of flogging to ensure a wider kill zone, and drill troops in proper garrison practice,

Harlock, knocked out from a frag grenade caving in part of his MG pit, was nominated for regimental citation by his lieutenants; a motion which was quickly denied by senior regimental command.

#therealvagabird #post

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