#i knew from the start i had depression caused by burnout cause by autism

[s1xseasonsandamov1e]

oh and also i finally got my offical diagnoses today! turns out i was right about everything and that was a waste of six months and my parents money.

[axelars]

It’s kinda annoying because my (actual) diagnoses came during this “fad” of being traumatized and neurodivergent. So I feel like I annoy everyone when I talk about mine and that they don’t believe me/think I’m just looking for excuses/attention.

This is my story. Human names have been changed.

I am diagnosed Bipolar 2, ADHD, and Autistic.

I went my whole life undiagnosed of what was actually the reasons behind every single struggle I had, and there were, and continue to be ALOT. I talk about it so much because it’s a relief to understand myself now and to validate my experiences and start to heal and move forward. Since as long as I can remember, I felt out of place. Always a step behind everyone else and like I didn’t really belong anywhere. I was painfully shy. Speaking to people terrified me. I had frequent meltdowns and sensory issues that were brushed off as temper tantrums and being sensitive.

But I had friends. I had large friend groups I was a “part” of. I participated in team sports and dance. I maintained okay grades in school. I didn’t scream or meltdown in public. I didn’t stim or avoid eye contact (lol yes I did but had already learned to force it and my stims have always been low key). I didn’t have any “learning disabilities”.

Now I know the reason behind this is autism but it didn’t look the same as what everything knew it as, and girls especially learn to mask very fast and at a young age. And I did have learning disabilities. Auditory processing disorder is one. I mean I guess autism and adhd are learning disorders in themselves, but I don’t like calling them that. We just connect things differently and therefore learn, understand, and do things differently. But we’ve been told our whole lives we’re doing it wrong. We’re doing life wrong. But it becomes our normal so we think everyone feels like this.

Fast forward to high school. I’ve turned dark. My parents went through a really messy and toxic and abusive divorce when I was around 12. I’m 13/14 and I’m starting drinking, and smoke weed. This progresses to drinking heavily and often, and taking various pills. I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder at 15. Medicated and things get better. I finish high school (still partying alot), go to University and do alright and kinda just party my way through it. I got off my meds cause I’m cured! Around 25 or so I start having panic attacks. I can’t leave my house. I go back on meds but as always am still apathetic about life. Panic attacks dissipate and I learn how to manage them when they do happen. Things are pretty good. I get my degree in geology, meet my then partner, John, get my masters degree and then a job. We have 2 dogs, one we got together and one I had previously, and 2 cats. It’s good for a bit and then I get bored and stop caring.

And then Covid hits. All routine and structure and societal need to socialize disappears. At first it was awesome. I could sleep in and working from home was nice. But then I got bored and started caring less and less about my work. I couldn’t focus, keep track of time or even days gone by, was experiencing executive dysfunction, sensory issues got worse, and much more. I now know this is ADHD and Autistic burnout.

I’m diagnosed with ADHD and do a bunch of medication trials. Nothing works. It makes me more apathetic and I don’t give a single fuck about anything at all. Even the one thing that brings me joy which is dog training. I realize my childhood was really abusive and traumatizing and I’d been normalizing it. So I start trying to heal from that.

My partner at the time was the only thing keeping me afloat (love you John) but it also took a huge toll on our relationship. We moved to the Yukon. I switched to a new company. I became even more depressed and move back to Alberta without him. I take all of the animals (2 cats and 2 dogs) because he’s on shift work. He gets super depressed without his Emma (dog) and finds a way to not be on shift work anymore so he can take care of her. So I send her back to him because they really did have the best bond, and she was born to be a wilderness dog. But this was heartbreaking for me. I get involved in an extremely emotionally abusive and manipulating and as I later find out, dangerous situationship. I’d known him for over a decade so I could trust him right? Dead fucking wrong but we will get into that later. John is still my best friend. I get a border collie puppy and she’s amazing. He gets involved in a relationship (also abusive) and cuts off communication with me. I finally get diagnosed bipolar 2 and and medicated for it. I learn my first manic episode was at age 19 when I decided to go to New Zealand for 2 months out of nowhere. I hate travelling. I barely remember the experience and I wasn’t drinking or doing drugs.

John gets himself out and we are best friends again. I couldn’t do life at this point without him.

Things are starting to make sense and get easier. I’m able to regulate my emotions better. I get myself out of that abusive situationship. I completely change careers and leave geology and the security along with it (it’s the best decision I’ve ever made). This change brings new meaning and purpose and joy to my life, but it also ends a years long friendship and my dog training community and support system.

Then my soul dog, Ernie, and the reason I’m a dog trainer gets bone cancer and dies. I reconnect with my previous friends from the training community (silver linings?).

My mom gets cancer which has spread and needs chemo. She’s starting her third set of treatments this week. The doctors are optimistic but she never tells us the whole truth about scary things. I’m scared but trying to be positive.

Then I find out the real truth about my situation-ship. Him and his friend have allegations of sexually assaulting women together. At least one his friend was charged for but they got dropped when she could no longer afford it. Our justice system sucks. Like how is that fucking possible. I learn of other attempted assaults or close call and just overall inappropriate disgusting behaviour. I learn of the other women. I speak to them and even befriend one. I learn he told us all the same stories that “he’s never shared with anyone before”, cooks the same meals, makes the same jokes, literally all the same things. This guy has zero conscience or personality and genuinely believes he is a good guy. He would always talk about what a good guy he is 🙄. Well he had me fooled and a trail of traumatized women before me. I learn he sent all of us at the same time pictures of his 2 year old niece. I’m disgusted by this because what human uses their toddler niece to gain trust from women. He’s despicable so I tell his sister in law.

Anyways I put that behind me and meet a really nice guy, Tyler. We have awesome chemistry and we get each other. But he’s in the dark place and can’t be what I need. I understand this because I’ve been there several times but it still really sucks. I’ve had a really hard time moving on.

Fuckface is back on the dating apps going by a different name. He’s so vile 🤮

My training business is picking up and I’m genuinely starting to be kinda happy. I can at least get more daily things done but it’s still a disaster. Still having a hard time missing Tyler but managing. Before bipolar meds I would have spiralled into my pit of despair.

A new dog comes into my life. She is an Olde English Bulldogge just like Ernie was and I sincerely believe he sent her to me. The week before I met her as a training client for a rescue I train with, I’d been feeling his presence a lot. I’m about to adopt her and I started a part time job at a canine physiotherapy clinic doing hydrotherapy. I love it. I get to see my best friend after 5 years and meet her little daughter.

So I think things are kinda progressively getting better with each setback. But frick can I just be done with everything needing to be a lesson?? I’ve got my PhD at this point.

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

Your girlfriend needs to grasp that, no, you're not making excuses. What you're essentially doing is revealing your true self to her because you trust her. That she can't see it... I can but wonder: is she neurodivergent as well? If not, it'll be difficult to make her understand.

So let me give you someone else's relationship story: my own.

I masked for most of my life - unwittingly. I was born in 1980, and when I got depression back in the '90s from heavy bullying, it wasn't even considered real. Since becoming self-aware, I felt something was off with me. I didn't know what, I only knew I was different. And this difference made everything a living hell - which I unwittingly masked through. I only knew I was weak and fragile and I figured everyone knew better than me what I should do with life, even if I had to put in twice as much affort as everyone else to match the description of 'behaving normal'..

I existed as anxiety incarnate until 2010-ish. Situations made me have to grow self-worth. This is also the year I met my then-boyfriend now-husband. We moved in together after a few months, as I desperately needed to get out of my parents' tiny appartment. I had become a very dominant person, but seeing how fragile he himself was, I learned to curb that. In a way, it helped me that he was so sweet - and crazy patient. We complemented each other well.

Not everything went always well, and I daresay that's mainly because something was still wrong with me - a complex amalgam of things, I suspect, with at its core this unknown autism. I was still anxious, I still struggled through life, but at least I didn't do so on my own anymore. Having him motivated me to struggle. I fell out of my last job on record in 2016. In 2019, after trying to get back into a job, my health broke entirely.

And then covid lockdowns happened in 2020. The husband with me, literally on the other side of the computer table, every day. Every single day. After a month of this, something in my brain completely snapped and I started having meltdowns for the first time in my life, at age 39. I lost self-control - like a safety had sprung in my head. One day, a meltdown caused me to almost stab the husband while we were cooking. It would've been an accident. I still think back on this day with absolute terror, when my hand launched and, in that split second, I had no idea where exactly it was headed.

I understand now that I was in unbearable pain from a lifetime of masking, of trying to be normal, of essentially wearing out my nervous system to a point that it no longer functions properly. Since getting my diagnosis in January, everything has made sense - to me, but also to the husband. Alas, you can't take the pain out of my system. I feel I'm still in burnout since 2019. But knowing what ails me has allowed me to find little tricks to subdue my natural stress and thus, in turn, be a more pleasant person. I understand things are hard for him, dealing with an autistic wife. He didn't know what he was getting into. Neither of us did. But this is no one's fault.

Here's the sad truth for your girlfriend: to some degree, being with you will mean being a caretaker. This means, at the very least, being supportive and allowing you to express yourself, whether she likes what you're saying or not. Having a girlfriend also means you'll have to try and understand her point of view, understand it's difficult to deal with someone whose reactions/thought processes are unlike hers, and try to adapt to her wherever you are able to.

She will have to understand that the way you behaved before is, in fact, part of the autism disorder - that you basically pretended to be normal in order to navigate the world. And that the way you behave now is not pretense, but real. You're being real with her. This 'real' is not 'of the norm' - not as society teaches us.

I would frankly suggest looking at autistic sites with her - reading other people's stories (yes, even mine; it's why I'm sharing it), so she understands that you're not the exception here: you're the norm of autistics who have had to mask for years, decades, and who finally discover that all of their pain has a name and that it's okay to be ourselves.

I hope, for both your sakes, that she can nderstand you're doing none of this on purpose and that your unmasking around her means you care about her a lot. Otherwise, you wouldn't try to be your real you with her. I'll wish you both the best and to be able to reconcile your differences.

I’m slowly learning to unmask after years of hiding myself. I only do it in front of my gf or when I’m alone (yes I would mask even alone because I was conditioned into thinking that I was weird so yeah) but lately we’ve had a lot of fights because she doesn’t understand why im acting the way I do or say things in a certain tone and when I try to explain why (even tho it exhaust/stresses me (out)) she tells me that I never did those things before and therefore it’s not because of my autism. I told her multiple times that when someone unmask/learn they’re autistic their behavior might change but she just doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m making excuses for my behavior when I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong. I feel inappropriate and I don’t know how to explain it another way than I have before. We’ve had another fight tonight because I told her something and my tone was apparently not appropriate and I told her “ I’m sorry I don’t control it. I didn’t mean it that way.” And she kind of look at me like I was making an excuse when I really wasn’t !! And then she said you’re not doing this with anyOne else but me( well yeah because I thought I could trust you and unmask but apparently i can’t) I didn’t know how to respond so I just didn’t and try to leave and she started getting angry bc to her me not answering meant that I was mad so I told her I don’t know what you want me to say I’m trying to explain to you what’s happening and you don’t believe me and almost gaslighting me into thinking that I’m the problem (I’m not saying she is or that I couldn’t be the problem but here I wasn’t). And then she started to get angry because we were getting in yet another argument and that she couldn’t do or say anything without me getting angry at her. I wasn’t angry I was for sure getting frustrated because the conversation was getting nowhere but I wasn’t angry. So I really don’t know what to do. She doesn’t listen to me anymore and I’ve never felt so lonely.

I wish I never discovered that I was autistic. It was much simpler to mask.

[sohmariku]

RIKU’S RANDOM LIFE: MENTAL HEALTH

May is the mental health awareness month, apparently, at least in the US. The perfect moment to tell you I only discovered yesterday, well into adulthood, that I have most definitely ADD. (Attention Deficit Disorder) A subtype of ADHD, the one without hyperactivity. Everyone knows it, right? That said, have you ever looked up the symptoms of ADD? Because I certainly didn’t. The list includes stuff like: forgetful and chaotic due to bad short-term memory, increased need for sleep, trouble expressing emotions, easily distracted, prone to (day)dreaming, difficulty staying on task and short attention span.

THAT’S LIKE THE PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF ME! WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS!?

I’m pretty sure my mother didn’t read this list either, otherwise she wouldn’t have wondered why I always seemed to forget every task she ever gave me! They had to literally block my bedroom door with the laundry basket to remind me. And even then, I would often forget to hang the laundry. I’d just step over it without even noticing it. It also explains why I found it hard to pay attention in class and especially in later years of secondary education found my mind drifting off far too often. Not to mention, as long as I can remember I’ve been sleeping 9-12 hours a day. It’s just three examples how ADD has affected me in my life and it still does.

Now, a disclaimer before I move on. I’ll be throwing around a lot of terminology from this point. However, I have no degree in psychology, nor do I have any official diagnosis. I speaking of personal experience and whatever information the internet fed me. This is a very incomplete account of everything these disorders/diablities entail, please don't use this to diagnose yourself.

Let’s continue, I was also yesterday years old when I discovered what PPD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) actually is. This terms has been all around me growing up with siblings diagnosed that way, but until yesterday, I didn’t quite understand what it meant. It was always described to me as “a diagnosis you get, when they can’t quite figure out what’s bothering you.” That doesn’t really make it sound like the diagnosis PDD-NOS has any meaning, but apparently it does. Did you know that PDD-NOS is actually an autism diagnosis? I sure didn’t. It means you’re autistic, but don’t fit into the other (two) old subtypes. Though, not too long ago everything was mashed together and now we're just speaking of ASD (Autism spectrum disorder), if I'm not mistaken.

While we’re at it, I actually learned only a few years ago that I am (most likely) autistic. I am not officially diagnosed, but reading and listening to other people’s experiences, it just makes so much sense. I recognize myself so much in other autistic people’s experiences. Discovering this, I felt such relief. I finally figured out what made me different from other people. Or rather, I discovered I was different and that was all right. I wasn’t just a failure as a human being. Autism can affect many parts of life. My struggles were real. It’s quite nice to know why I had these explosive meltdowns, even long after puberty ended. Or why my interests could be very intense, why I seem to dislike certain foods so much. Quite honestly, it explains everything! (Especially now I’ve added ADD to the mix.)

Social anxiety, performance anxiety, depression. It all stems from my autism (and ADD). It’s almost unbelievable no one caught on to all this sooner!

Well, to be honest, I think my mother knew to a certain degree. She has told me to see a psychiatrist, to find out if maybe there was something more. Unfortunately she never named the something. And my anxiety ridden body only imagined people giving me tasks to conquer my fears. Not people who could actively help me. So I refused. I would have been nice if I had known what ADD and PDD-NOS really were. Maybe just maybe I would have seen a professional sooner. Maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have struggled as much as I did. And maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have eventually wasted my time (and money) on some psychologist who, after a few sessions of me crying my eyes out, told me: “You need to get a grip on your emotions, otherwise we can’t start treatment.” …thank you, that’s was very helpful… NOT! I quit seeing her not long after that.

Today I'm mostly depression free, chronically stressed, the executive dysfunction is real, possibly in a burnout and constantly on the edge of a meltdown. After reminding myself five times, I finally put some chap stick on my dry lips. My short-term memory is still crap. (Reminder to myself: do the dishes and clean the kitchen, please!) But other than that I’m doing relatively well. I have an amazing boyfriend, who fortunately doesn’t seem to mind that I don’t have a job (and likely never will). The sun is shining (for now) and I spend my days mostly doing what I like while desperately trying to keep my house from descending into chaos. So, all is good. Good enough at least! Just taking it easy and waiting for better, covid-free times. ^^

(And now my anxiety is telling me that sharing this post may not be such a good idea... 'cause, what if people misunderunderstand what I wrote and think I'm doing worse than I am? ...so, please don't worry about me. I take good care of myself. All is fine... Sort of... As fine as it can be considering we're in a pandemic and I'm tired of having my boyfriend at home 24/7. Don't pity me... I am good as I am... I better stop rambling and just post this thing.)

[alluringoneirataxia]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[covert-schizoid]

HelloI was wondering what your experience with szpd is and how you came to believe you had it Ive been questioning lately on whether or not I have it since I don't really want to be in a relationship and have no close friends outside of my family in fact I isolate myself a lot away from my family because I dont really relate to them or feel close or feel like becoming close I also have a feeling of emptiness butsometimes have intense emotional mood swings and also have had unstable relationships

First off, sorry for the late response, I was gonna type something up and then Things Started Happening which took most of my mental energy. Now that I've got a better handle on Things, I've got time to actually answer this so let's get started. 

For me, it's important to note I'm a Covert Schizoid, so my experience is going to be different in a few important ways from Schizoid classic (Overt Schizoids)- so keep that in mind when comparing my experiences to yours.

I started seriously looking into self dxing in high school, when some of my symptoms (particularly maintaining my mask) started to really wear on me. I didn't feel comfortable bringing my symptoms to my parents (kinda awkward to go "hey mom, hey dad, I've been faking all our interactions for most of my life and it's really tiring, therapy mayhaps?) So going to any kind of therapist was pretty much out of the question. I decided to write down my symptoms before looking into anything as I didn't want to bias myself and so I'd always have a touch point to compare back to (which you seem to have done also).

This was my list: the main thing was the creation and maintenance of my mask (mimicking emotions, faking a particular personality to use for social interaction, learning scripts, reading/manipulating people etc.), leading to heavy burnouts if used too long (sometimes accompanied by feeling trapped and suffocated by the mere presence of another human being), and the admittance of not feeling much if anything in the way of emotion under the mask (and even "extreme" for me seemed to only reach normal for others) which I describe as void but its not all consuming or anything like that it's just... a factual state of being, extreme boredom, dissociation/depersonalization, lack of strong motivation/desire, lack of emotional empathy (tho I do have cognitive empathy I've worked to build), sense sensitivity (touch, smell, hearing), lack of appetite (sometimes due to lack of interest in food, lack of taste, lack of pleasure). This behaviour started as far back as primary school/kindergarten.

Basically just anything that seemed odd to me that I didn't observe in others or caused me discomfort. Then I started down the usual suspects, Occam's Razor and all that, chances are it'd be something more common. But while one or two things in diagnostic lists for depression and autism fit it wasn't nearly enough to get a diagnosis, or more importantly, explain what I was experiencing. I almost thought autism as I looked into personal experience as well to gain insight on what certain criteria looked like in practice, and girls with autism had something similar to my masks; but again it didn't fit the more I looked into it. Particularly the use of it in the want for “real connection” and “wanting to be accepted” which I did not have.

So I was forced to look further, and actually almost skipped over Szpd. I kept it on the list as it explained many of my underlying symptoms far better than depression or autism but it didn't have anything for the masks as far as I knew- and that was my main symptom. It also fit some of my life experiences, small to nearly nonexistent friend groups and such, but it couldn't explain my social abilities. I was looking into sociopathy and only on one of their info boards did I run into the term "secret schizoid". And boy, all it took was one search for it to have everything just click into place. It fit all the reasons I'd originally dismissed Szpd, and reading peoples accounts of living "covert" was like reading a day in my life.

Acting, playing a part, but ultimately detached from it all in that internal uncaring void. I maintained relationship because they benefited me, and dropped people when the cost of maintaining it outweighed what they could do for me. Only my immediate family was somewhat important to me and even now I only had four people I'd consider real friends in my whole life- only two still in it- and I'd still throw it all away in a heartbeat if I could live isolated in a house somewhere with my needs met if it meant I never have to see anyone again (Unfortunately, we "Live In A Society" and I need a "Job" to buy food and shit, so I gotta keep pretending to be a Normal Human Person). But there was my answer, that was my mask, that was my burn out. I dissociate 'cause that just what happens when you put on a front for that long to interact with -but always keep yourself separate- from the world. Lack of emotion and empathy was just classic Szpd under all that, same with boredom, motivation, and even the appetite bits as it was discussed a while back was anhedonia affecting food for others with Szpd.

By all accounts Covert Szpd explained every one of my symptoms perfectly (except the sense sensitivity, that’s prob just it’s own thing). The mask experiences being the most telling for me. I'd highly recommend reading peoples day in the life experiences on discussion boards to see if they speak to you- it was always what I found most helpful.

I jumbled your two main questions together a lot but I hope you can parse something useful from all this. From what little you shared I obviously can't tell you one way or the other if you have Szpd or not. Some of the things you mentioned could fit sure, but so could any other number of disorders. But if you do have Szpd, I'd say you should also look into a comorbidity for those mood swings- those aren't a Szpd trait but that doesn't disqualify you from having it. If you have one personality disorder it's not uncommon to have overlap or comorbidity with others.

[autism-asks]

I was assessed and diagnosed on being on the "border" of autism when I was a child (mid 20's now) I've never had any help on how to deal with it (neither did my parents). I've been told "symptoms can get worse" by a friend. Is this true? I'm anxious of doctors and don't really know if it's worth seeing them? Can it get worse over time without help?

Autism exists on a spectrum, but not a spectrum in the sense of a line from A to B, but more like a color wheel where everything blends into each other and there are no clear lines in between things. 

As such, Autism doesn’t really have a better/worse, but various Autistic traits can vary in intensity over time. 

Often, when things seem to get worse or a person seems to get “more Autistic”, it’s due to an increase of stress of some kind. For some, this can happen when starting school or starting a new school. For others, it can happen upon entering adulthood as the stresses of life increase. There are others who have forced themselves to appear neurotypical for too long who break under the stress. This regression, or loss of skills, is often referred to as Autistic burnout. 

Autistic Burnout is when an Autistic person “gets worse” or becomes “more Autistic”. They may stim more, have more meltdowns/shutdowns, become more sensitive to sensory things, experience increased emotional dysregulation, struggle more with speech, or experience changes in any of their other Autistic traits. This is often accompanied by symptoms of depression. 

This can happen to any Autistic person, but seems to be very common in undiagnosed or late diagnosed Autistic people. 

However, this isn’t due to a lack of treatment, but, rather, a lack of understanding. With Autism, there aren’t any medicines to treat it and many of the “therapies” aimed at Autistic people are harmful and damaging *cough*ABA*cough*. However, Autistic people may find specific therapies aimed at specific difficulties helpful, such as speech therapy. 

However, knowing that one is Autistic is very helpful toward leading a better life. When we understand that we’re not just lazy/broken/weird/etc., but, rather, we have brains that work differently, we can do things to help ourselves live better lives. Once I knew I am Autistic, I stopped pushing myself to do things that hurt me. I don’t force myself into situations that would cause sensory overload for me unless absolutely necessary, whereas, before, I used to endure those things because they were socially expected of me. When we know more about ourselves and accept it, we are able to accommodate ourselves and live better. 

This is why people who don’t know they are Autistic seem to be more likely to burnout, they don’t have the tools they need to live their best lives. 

So, to answer your question, you can experience more difficulties due to Autistic traits over time without the tools and information you need to live your best life. 

I would strongly suggest learning more about Autism and finding ways to accommodate yourself in your life so that you can live your best life possible. 

-Sabrina