#i kind of really loved in the early parts where they kinda just became besties at first sight

[bmpmp3]

one of my favourite character relationship dynamics, platonic romantic or anything, is when two characters are absolutely the bestest of best friends and when one is hurt or something the other will scream and cry and wail and explode and when the other is in danger then the first one will go on some kind of silent terminator-esque rampage about it. besties (do no separate)

[collectorcookie]

I AM HOME AGAIN. Ok so part two of trickstar dynamics: anzu edition. I already kinda made one but it was more about anzu's past sooo it doesn't count.

Anzu and subaru: THE BESTIEEESSS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY ARE SO CUTE. When trickstar was still a very new unit subaru was like "man i wish we had our own uniforms. Wouldn't that be cool" (because at yumenosaki academy having your own uniforms instead of the standard ones provided by the academy meant that 1. you're hot shit aka important and popular enough to have a specific image and 2. you're hot shit enough aka rich enough to be able to afford your own costume). And then anzu is just like "My boy? Wants something?? My bestie? Wishes for uniforms??" And then she SINGLEHANDEDLY learns sewing from kuro in like a week and makes the trickstar uniforms. And subaru could cry from joy.

And much later subaru got some job where he has to wear a suit but he's never worn suits so he asks super model sena for help, and sena is like "well what kind of suit do you wanna wear" and after a long time of thinking, the only thing he came up with was a suit made specifically by anzu for him. That's all he wanted agshetekwhdghr. But anzu was pretty busy so he settled for a suit that was approved by her.

And when they ended up in the industry anzu made him the super sparkly outfit and i KNOW everyone hates that card because of the missions BUT that card has a special place in my heart because even after their early high school days, even after subaru won the ss and trickstar became super popular and anzu became a very important producer in ES (going as far as being a part of P. Association), subaru still adores and appreciates outfits made by her specifically asdffkslagdkfjw.

Also Pretty sure that anzu was one of the few characters where subaru dropped his happy-ultra-cheerful persona to open up to her, being all like "You know anzu, sometimes i feel like half of my emotions are straight up missing". Ouch. He doesn't do that often! If at all!! He trusts her enough to do that!!!!

There's more to say but there's already another post that goes into more details about this (i will reblog it after this but how on earth can you link someone else's post on here)

Anzu and mao: you may have seen or noticed how mao is always like "omg no don't touch anzu that's sexual harrassment" to completely normal affection between friends and thought to yourself "The hell is wrong with this dude". And like, i can only speculate why he's like this but it's probably due to anzu's first experiences at yumenosaki. Poor girl got transferred into a school of boys committing crimes against each other, got kicked in the face (with koga's full body weight), fainted, got a concussion, went to the infirmary, got sexually harrassed by one of the teachers (seriuosly what the hell jin), then got followed around and pressured by a playboy (past kaoru was uhhh...something). Rei ended up finding her and just...hiding her in a cupboard. And later on rei finds mao and is like "hey you. I hid your girl in the cupboards" and mao's bewildered at this statement. And rei continues with "yeah you should probs go pick her up or something". Mao then goes and to his surprise, he actually finds her in the cupboards, terrified and exhausted.This is the context to this very lovely mao illustration:

(Mao's first 5* is literally "let's take ibuprofen together, producer" heeelllpp)

Mao ends up always walking her home after this by the way, to the point where he sometimes eats lunch with her family. (Sometimes the other trickstar memebrs walk her too but most often it's Mao) So yeah, that could be the reason why he's so sensitive anytime someone gets close to anzu. He's just really overprotective of her.

(I will entirely ignore all the more fanservicey stuff that occasionally happens between anzu and mao in the early stories because...it just...feels so ooc for mao. And completely unnecessary in general) however anzu is also very fond of mao, as we see in !-era ss, where anzu notices that mao is beating himself up for not being enough for trickstar and so she goes to his room to specifically cheer him up and reassure him when he wakes up

Anzu and hokuto: ooohhh my gooood, the scene where he goes to visit anzu in the infirmary after she got hurt and fainted and he. He just. He just feels so bad for her getting hurt and then starts this whole ass monologue about why he dragged her into this. This huge monologue where he just lets out all his anger at yumenosaki's state and hopes and dreams for the future and how she gave him hope but he burdened and expected too much of her right at the beginning. AND SHE WAS AWAKE THE WHOLE TIME WITHOUT HIM KNOWING. And his speech just motivates her to actually ally herself with trickstar because she wants things to change for the better too.

And then waaay later she faints again from exhausting herself too much and hokuto notices how much she has been doing, not just for trickstar but as a producer in general. And so to lighten her burdens and to prove to her that they have grown as a unit and do not need to rely on her the whole time, he revokes his rights to participate in the SS. Listen to me. I want you to understand that as a unit, trickstar established itself to prove that change is possible. The entire main storyline in ! is about them beating eichi's ass in DDD. And DDD is such a huge deal because it determines which unit is allowed to participate in SS as a representative. And SS is a huuuuge national tournament for idols sorta thing. So when hokuto goes to eichi being all like "hey mr. president, i revoke my rights to participate in the SS", eichi (who has been supporting trickstar ever since they beat him in DDD because SS is far more important than DDD) straight up grabs hokuto and screams at him something along the lines of "HOKUTO ARE YOU /SRS OR /J???? YOUR GIRL FAINTS ONCE AND THIS IS HOW YOU BEHAVE???!!! SHE'S NOT WITH YOU FOR ONE TIME AND YOU STEP DOWN, YOU FREAKING COWARD?? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT OF AN EVENT SS IS". And hokuto, still very straight faced and expressionless, simply states "oh i'm not stepping down. I want trickstar to fight more live battles to rewin our rights to represent yumenosaki in SS. Both to prove to everyone that trickstar really is suited for this, and to prove for anzu that she doesn't need to always worry about us anymore." Do you have any idea how much i wanted to howl at the moon after reading that.

By the way this is also the context for this one wataru illustration who was also in the council room at the time:

(When you watch your boyfriend grab your bestie by the neck and your bestie says the most jawdropping shit you've ever heard)

Anzu and Makoto: this is actually a lot more of a relaxed and chill dynamic than i expected. Most of their early interactions are just makoto being "oh my god i'm so afraid of girls i have never talked to a girl in my entire life what even are girls" and then anzu would be like "but i am one?" and makoto's just "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT". Anyways after makoto builds a little self esteem it looks like him and anzu just start sharing a braincell sometimes. Like that one moment in finder girl event story where mao is super worried that no one will help him, and the makoto anzu duo don't even talk to each other, they just exchange looks and think to themselves "this guy has no idea that everyone in yumenosaki would help him huh". Fun times.

[hongism]

hi caly boo its ur 🌊 anon! i finally finished the most brilliant darkness and oh my lawd i’m in spain without the s. to put it shortly: U DID NOT DISAPPOINT BESTIE, and it seems unreal that u and ur mind and this fic even exists bc every moment is just polished to perfection, while simultaneously every character is polished to a sort of imperfect perfection(?). i have so many questions and things to say idek where to start, and tho im not good with words and even worse at deciphering hidden meanings, here are just some of my thoughts that i remember from the story.

hello my dear!!! eee im gonna answer separately since i think i’ll be very long-winded as usual but first of all thank you so much :(( this fic is actually very full of subliminal messages and hidden nuances that are weaved throughout which i think could be quite confusing so i apologize for that! if i had managed my time better, i would have adjusted when i started the fic to account for managing those aspects of the fic but alas i’m terrible at time management and i suck so. anyways.

first of all, ngl halfway into the story i lowkey forgot this was a wooyoung fic bc SANNN and also bc wooyoung appeared like 3 times lol. even after it finishing all that, i still had my doubts as to why this is a wooyoung fic, or more like why is san this significant in a wooyoung fic. im still a bit slow on these pls forgive me and im just curious why u made it like that.

i think yeah the most interesting thing about this fic is the emphasis on san over wooyoung. and when looking over it yeah i could have switched san and wooyoung’s characters and called it a day, but wooyoung really in my mind acts as the integral turning point for decisions made in the story. 

the goal with the fic wasn’t really to be hyperfocused on the pairing itself, but rather the emotions and thought processes of each character (aside from wooyoung). wooyoung was kept intentionally mysterious and a bit set apart from the rest of the fic because his role in story was moreso an abstract of hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. wooyoung’s character appeared in times where y/n was struggling with the thought of home or adjusting to the new changes in her life! wooyoung’s pairing itself was actually intended to be solely platonic at first, but as the story went on i thought having mc develop feelings for him added another turning point in the fic!

moving on, the second biggest question i had is the whole hestia!wooyoung and cafe aurora situation. i did a bit of reading on hestia and only found out that she was the goddess of hearth, which might explain the fireplace and the kind of homey feeling to the cafe. and ‘cafe aurora not really existing to most’ part, which was already hinted at wooyoung randomly disappearing, mc never seeing the cafe before or wooyoung only bringing people he wants into it. i get that him inviting mc must suggest her significance to him, but why was he so adamant about his friends not mentioning him or the cafe to mc before that? wooyoung is quite a mysterious character i think, and given that this fic is supposed to be about him, it’s a bit odd that there’s still so many things left unknown, but its kinda cool that way nonetheless and im guessing u would also like to explain that further outside of the story too.

i think my biggest regret about this fic is the fucking summary.... i wrote that summary well before i even started writing the fic thinking it would go in that direction but it didn’t. and since this fic was for a collab, i left the summary as is because i genuinely cannot for the life of me figure out a better one. but i’m trying to figure out a better one. but i really fucking hate the current summary because it’s not at all what the fic is truly about and i hate it.

however, i don’t hate the fic itself, and the reason why i don’t is because i got to play with both my writing style and how i displayed the story. for this collab we were asked to pick a greek god and one of the seven deadly sins, and i selected hestia and sloth. and initially i had intended to have sloth be represented by the reader’s depression, and wooyoung be a more ‘real’ depiction of hestia. i shifted gears very early on in the fic but what it became is moreso abstract realizations in the characters.

san’s character is meant to be this idea of sloth, and it’s mentioned several times that he doesn’t want to move forward, he wants to go slow, he wants to stop moving so fast through life, and those things point to him being a depiction of sloth

wooyoung’s was harder to encapsulate in a more abstract way but you hit the nail on the head really with the homey feeling of the cafe. beyond that, mc talks about just naturally feeling at ease and comfortable with how things are with wooyoung and being around him, and he takes up this role of being the likeable, warm, cozy, comforting character. it all comes to a head in the last scene where he brings both y/n and san into the cafe.

and again wooyoung’s character is meant to be most mysterious and abstract, but if i had had more time to fully flesh out the fic, i think i would have liked to touch more on him. at the same time however i left it more open-ended and open to interpretation. the significance in him inviting mc in and not being mentioned by the others sooner is twofold. one; the others never really had any reason whatsoever to mention wooyoung. he was a friend outside the circle who never joined in with them when mc was around. i personally in my own friendships don’t mention friends outside the circle by name or anything, just kinda vaguely talking about them unless im certain the people know who this person is. the concept of wooyoung having to invite mc in was more nuanced and vague as well, intentionally so, but that was moreso meant to represent this idea of ‘you can’t make a home somewhere where you aren’t invited’ so y/n couldn’t fully make a home of the place she was in without being invited in and welcomed in, but again that’s something i wish i had more time to fully flesh out.

the hongjoong speech about love (and also the interaction with seonghwa after that) deserves a standing ovation of its own 👏 unfortunately, or not, im not actually going through the emotional turmoil regarding love the same way as hj or mc to be able to fully relate to his words, but the whole ‘if you dont love what u see in the mirror then u dont love it’ mentality really hit me hard, and i’d like to hang onto that when i make decisions in the future haha thank you wise caly! seonghwa and hongjoong’s story is also beautiful, and just like mc said, the more i look at it the more it hurts :’)

the hongjoong speech about love was meant to be something very jaded and specific to his worldview. it actually isn’t wholly how i view love personally, but it was a perfect description to how both he and y/n perceived the love in their own lives. mostly thanks to their own emotional turmoils. the mentality of the mirror quote is something that i think i also struggle with, which is why i included it. it’s hard to do, but even in friendships, i think it’s necessarily to stop and look at the person you were before this relationship and then the person during this relationship. if you don’t love the one you are now, then maybe it’s a sign to reflect and see the bigger picture, so that was a lil reminder to myself and i’m glad it touched you as well!!!

“do you love him, or do you love the idea of being in love with him?” - haha i see what u did there (or maybe i didnt please dont laugh at me if i didnt). its still so good everytime i see it bc i keep finding myself loving just the idea of things time and time again even when this makes total sense to me oof :/

heh yeah again with the more abstract concepts this one was more direct and ‘cliche’ but i fully wanted that cliche in the fic because i thought it suited the situation where mc was constantly struggling with a version of san that she thought she loved vs the version of san she got every time they were together

despite how enlightened she seems to be, mc still made the same choices, and i wanna smack her for it and pat her back at the same time. and maybe also bc of the fact that she feels so differently for the two men that i feel like no ending could really justify her decision, so ending in the vague is probably the best. your ending might kind of allude to someone more than the other already, and tho i still don’t think he’s the best one for her based on just my pov on love, i kinda agree with you. but again, this raises the question of, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic?

and yeah the whole knife in the chest at the end of it all is that she was still too scared to face the music so to speak. but really i would say she made the same choices up until the conversation on the balcony with san. and you’re absolutely right, the reason i chose the ending the way i did was because either way, there’s no justification. and actually although it might seems like i was alluding to someone specific, san being in the cafe at the very end was moreso to represent that as much as they fought, he still very much loved her and wanted to be loved by her. it was kinda an open casket ending there were no nails in the coffin, the choice between wooyoung and san still stands and an argument could be made for either of them! i think this is a fic that i could see myself revisiting one day with two endings - one for san, and one for wooyoung.

something i didn’t mention earlier about wooyoung’s character being left intentionally mysterious was that he was representing a new and budding love. the honeymoon phase where you’re falling for someone you don’t even really know. you are the reader aren’t meant to really know who wooyoung is because of that beyond what you read about him, so his past and such was left out intentionally to represent that idea of ‘hey wow im in love with a stranger!’ whereas san was this gritty love that’s bad for you. and there are pros and cons to each just as with anything!!

so,,,, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic? well i picked wooyoung for my collab so he was one of the main focuses of the fic regardless of which direction i took with it. as for why wooyoung wasn’t more forward, i already answered that but !!! i view it as both a wooyoung fic and a san fic. both are highlighted characters with main pairing roles!

i literally just woke up to write this and am going back to sleep ahaha so i apologize if this makes no sense. i somehow felt like i’ve read so much yet so little at the same time, maybe bc there are still so many things i havent fully made sense of, and that’s where i hope you come in and enlighten me. i still stand by my word that this fic deserves so much more recognition despite the lack of explicit smut bc of how much more you’ve explored through character building. love you caly and thank u for working so hard <3 — 🌊

no worries my beloved i hope you go back to sleep and get lots and lots of rest!! and i hope my response helps enlighten the not so clear things as well dgjdklfg but really thank you so much. it was a long fic and hard to get through at times, but as a whole, i’m proud of it and what i created, so thank you for recognizing my efforts and appreciating them 🥺

[elichorph]

𝗧𝗔𝗦𝗞 𝟬𝟬𝟮 ( 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗟𝗬 ) ↝ 𝗚𝗢𝗢𝗦𝗘 𝗧𝗘𝗟𝗟𝗘𝗥

once upon a time in dallas, texas, two kids from rivaling business families fell in love <3 they adopted a kid and named him gordon ... and then they got murked like fifteen years later.

𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗦

tw for missing people for this entire section maybe this whole thing

maddox and grace teller were basically the romeo and juliet of the business world. their families were each other’s biggest competitions in the oil world, but they eventually fell in love and said fuck it and grace, being the bad ass she is, moved her assets into maddox’s company to surpass her own family by a large margin. their whole relationship was followed by the tabloids simply because it was juicy and because the oil world is kind of very boring, the tabloids were how they got their fame and standing. after they found out grace couldn’t have kids, they adopted goose. thirteen years later though, they ended up going to a party late at night with some other business friends and never came back. their case went cold but ... well ... it’s been ten years. nobody knows that grace and maddox went missing. a lie was fabricated saying that they retired and settled down in a small country and goose will help feed this lie from time to time to feel something and to now blow his cover.

𝗠𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 ↝ grace teller

miss grace ... absolute sweetheart. i always imagined that a lot of the traction the teller family had came from how down to earth and lovely grace was. she always really wanted kids and eventually found out she was unable to have them, so she ended up convincing maddox to adopt lil goose. she really was the best parent out of the pair, understanding what it took to raise a kid who was supposed to take over a large company while still wanting to give him a good childhood. and she tried ... she really did, trying to keep goose entertained at every banquet and pr opportunity and event that he was dragged to because a lot of the teller’s fame and business came from how loved they were in the eyes of the tabloids. really if it weren’t for grace’s efforts, goose would have lost his mind a lot earlier on. he loved his mom, he really did. his kindness and big heart comes from her, and the vast majority of his good childhood memories involve her. goose was very sheltered growing up so his mom was basically his best friend. they always got along and never fought, if anything grace was defending goose from his father who had way too high of expectations for the boy. they understood each other well and she never wanted anything besides the best for him and he kinda gets very emo whenever mom stuff is mentioned.

𝗙𝗔𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 ↝ maddox teller

certified <3 asshole <3 the man who goose got his elites legacy from so like ... it checks out. basically a very rude man. it was cute because grace could break down his walls, but if you were anyone else (and especially goose), good luck. growing up in a big business family, it was his whole life and he took it more serious than anything to the point where he was even reluctant to adopt because he didn’t know what kind of situation they would be getting in by bringing in a son who would be set to take over. worried that goose would be a #flop, maddox treated him more like robot than anything to prepare him for the business world and goose was like 7! being taken out of school early so they could fly to new york and goose could sit and listen to talks about oil for 8 hours a day because that’s what maddox really thought it took to get goose ready! (and shoutout to orion for being his one single friend that he made at these kind of events hehe). even though goose lost his dad when he was thirteen, they really never had a good relationship up until then. it was extremely strained and without grace in the picture, it likely would’ve been nonexistent or goose would’ve gone sicko mode on his dad and ended everything. while goose misses his mom a lot, he really ... doesn’t miss dad. as bad as it may sound, a lot of goose’s liberation came from losing his dad. part of the reason why goose can’t stand to be yelled at is because it always stung with maddox. i wouldn’t be surprised if how his dad treated him is also the reason that goose decides to ultimately turn on everyone and go absolutely buckwild. 

𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗜𝗠𝗣𝗢𝗥𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗧 𝗙𝗜𝗚𝗨𝗥𝗘𝗦

𝗨𝗡𝗖𝗟𝗘 ↝ lionel teller

maddox’s brother and slimy ... slimy man. after his parents got yeeted, lionel took custody over goose and became his legal guardian. and when i tell you that lionel didn’t want that shit at all? i mean it. if it wasn’t for goose entering the family, lionel would have been set to fully take over the company (lionel ended up amassing the entirety of the company though by stepping in as interim ceo after maddox went missing and goose just signed the position over to lionel in the long run saying lol gl have fun i don’t want this so you can have it). ANYWAYS. lionel didn’t know that was all going to happen so he basically treated 14 year old goose like dirt, blamed his brother’s disappearance on him, all of that. goose didn’t like the man either and literally fought with him so much that lionel just shipped him off to boarding school and refused to let him come home over summers and school breaks. yes, lionel offered to pay families to take care of him instead and thank goodness he found the jeon’s (but we’ll get to them soon). lionel chewed goose out after he vandalized his school’s statue but still handled it at the expense of the teller name and has not talked to goose since he turned eighteen. there really was no relationship between them. they just didn’t get along and zoomed out of each other’s lives as soon as they could.

𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗝𝗘𝗢𝗡 𝗙𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗟𝗬

when i say the jeon family was goose’s saving grace and his one chance to ever feel familial love again in his life? i mean it. goose hit it off with grayson in his first year at his second boarding school and the rest was history. the jeon’s ended up taking goose in, allowing him to stay with them over the summer and some school breaks and they truly were goose’s second family. grayson was his best friend, bestie for the restie yktv, but goose considered him a brother, and violet a sister too. goose’s life was extra messy when he met the jeon’s, but they were always a safety net that made him feel safe even if goose caused more wreckage than he will ever realize. 

going to put miss violet first ... his unofficial sister <3 they were friends growing up, had big “oh you’re my brother’s best friend” energy and goose really cares for miss violet so much. he probably teased her so much, pushed her into the lake too many times to count but he always gave her piggy backs and would save the best homemade popsicles for her. they got off to a rocky start at yale, a little cursed emoji at each other just because they weren’t sure how to act after grayson had ... you know ... zoomed to another country for sus reasons, but eventually got back to where they were this year when blackmails were starting to be exposed and they realized that they were basically each other’s family and that they needed each other. goose would go to any length for violet, he feels so protective over her it’s crazy. he will self destruct if needed to ensure that she’s alright and honestly is prepared to do it at this point. xo.

( tw : drugs, addiction ) okay now grayson ... word. the besties. the chaotic duo that everyone feared who pulled up to english class out of uniform. goose felt so comfortable with grayson, opened up to him about so much. seriously, before goose got twitter, grayson was just getting @twelvebugsinmybrain face to face every day. they would pass hot summer days laying on the floor in grayson’s room, waiting for the breeze to come through the window and being typical gross teen boys with a soft side. they really didn’t start chaotic at first, just sweet. however, things got a little messy when drugs came into the picture. full disclosure, goose was the one that got grayson hooked on drugs. goose truly had no idea he was doing it, just bringing back random baggies he probably paid a little too much for and they tried it all being the curious kids they were. goose was going through his own edgy phase and got grayson into his and ... well things just went south. they slowly started losing touch with each other as drugs were something that was always in the picture and goose was ready to confront grayson and get his best friend back to his normal self until grayson was sent away before goose was able to do anything. and goose truly regrets not talking to him a day sooner more than anything in his life so! yay! now that grayson is back though ... well ... goose is a little jealous of grayson’s new friendship with avery (yes i have to larp with myself) and really just wants his best friend back and he especially willling for it as grayson starts doing his thing. you’ll see ig. grayson is not my character but i will be ominous on his and mads’ behalf. that is all.

[gccdnews]

Did you see JESSICA DREW from MARVEL walking around Limbo? The CISFEMALE looks like ALICIA VIKANDER, and is NINETY SEVEN years old. I’ve heard she can be VIRTUOUS & WITTY but also COCKSURE & REACTIVE. When I think of them I think of HELPING THE INNOCENT BY HOSPITALIZING THE GUILTY, RAISING SPIDER-BABY, THE GREATEST QUIPS OF ALL TIME BITCHCAKES. They’ve been here WITHOUT their memories as an PI & FIGHTER at BAKER STREET INVESTIGATIONS & UNDERGROUND FIGHT CLUB for SIX MONTHS. I heard they’re seeking a sanctum.

// whew. jess has a history™. it's long af and spans nearly a century so im not gonna go into crazy detail, but it's still lengthy. and i'm also gonna modify just a bit to fit in with the mcu for plotting reasons and stuff. if you don’t really care about her full history then there’s some bullet points toward the bottom.

she was born in england in 1924 and brought as a small child to the transia (it's a small, fictional slavic country) where her father was conducting research. unfortunately due to her being a small child, she contracted uranium poisoning from her father's work and had to be placed in a cryogenic chamber and treated with radiation and a highly experimental serum derived from the blood/genes of various species of spider.

she spent decades in stasis, educated subliminally with special tapes. when she was finally awakened she had only aged into her early teens, but she'd developed superhuman abilities.

grew up, moved away, met a dude, fell in love, then accidentally killed him with her powers. so yeah that kinda torments her still to this day. well, when she still remembered it anyway.

got recruited into hydra who she was led to believe were the good guys, had her memories suppressed, was told the high evolutionary basically a "god" figure, idek evolved her from a spider into a human woman, had an agent pretend to fall in love with her, etc etc. basically got gaslit and brainwashed into becoming a high ranking member until she was put out on a field assignment and told to assassinate nick fury. during the mission he told her what hydra really was and she dropped their asses.

got her memories back from mordred the mystic, then lived in a shitty apartment in london for a while. ended up breaking into a convenience store across the street at one point to get some food, but got noticed by shield agent jerry hunt who pretty much hounded her until she dyed her hair and created a secret identity to hide from him

did the hero thing for a while, moved to l.a., dated jerry, became a bounty hunter, moved to san francisco, became a p.i., superhero'd some more, met carol danvers 😍

went on a mission to finally take down longtime archenemy morgan le fay, and did so, but not before some morgan did some magic shit and separated her soul from her body ?? so she goes to the sorcerer magnus and has him cast a spell to make everyone who ever met her forget she existed.

not long later she was found and revived by two hero pals, breaking the spell, but she was left comatose. dr strange gets involved, abra cadabra, jess ain't a cadava'. but she is however, powerless.

continued working as a p.i. until an encounter with the new spider-woman mattie franklin somehow restored her powers, which came back slowly and were very unstable. meets jessica jones, accidentally zaps tf out of her, then works with her to save the new spider-woman.

eventually struck a deal with hydra to spy within shield so she could get her powers back but the skrull queen veranke was behind it and manipulating her so she could learn to perfectly impersonate jessica. jess ended up held captive for two years aboard a skrull spaceship while veranke took her place.

she and the rest of the captives got saved but because of the havoc veranke wreaked, she didn't exactly receive a warm welcome back.

spent some time rebuilding her reputation until she was invited to join the avengers (for avengers 1 in the mcu, let's say). they did some good work and she eventually fell for clint/hawkeye. they dated a while but things went sideways when he cheated on her (but obvs that's subject to change depending on who picks him up, just leaving that in for now bc it seems kinda noteworthy).

skipping comic spider-verse stuff bc how does that work with the rp, idek.

left the avengers after that and mostly stayed out of their business so she wasn't around for ultron or civil war and instead got back to her roots with some good ol fashioned p.i. work. may have crossed paths with the defenders and other street level heroes during this period.  

then of course, came the snap. jess was one of the ones that vanished. using this instead of her death during secret wars in the comics. when everyone came back she joined all the others to fight thanos and damn right she was part of that moment with all the female heroes like she should have fucking been irl.

when things settled down after y'know, dying, she realized that she wanted to be a mother and raise a child, and almost never got that chance. instead of waiting, she got herself artificially inseminated. which was good too tbh because like, look at her luck with men and imagine getting stuck in one of those relationships she'd been in so far. way better off doing it on her own smh

got invited to an alpha flight maternity ward by her captain marvel but when she went there it ended up getting overrun by skrulls and being super fucking pregnant she called carol for help, but the maternity ward was apparently in a black hole?? bc ofc it was lol. so jess protected all the women there, had an emergency c-section to give birth to her son gerry, then popped right off the table to finish kicking skrull ass. carol got there just in time for jess to collapse into her arms after the fight. headcanon — there was always a crush there but this was the moment jess fell hard.

had a liiittle teensy falling out with carol tho so she ended up kissing roger gocking/porcupine right in front of her during a battle that ended up repairing their friendship. then she went on to have a party announcing she and roger were dating but lbr she did most of this sub/consciously hoping to get a rise out of carol. but her spider-baby ended up crawling out a window and roger was the one to find and save him and there were some actual feelings there too, so. complicated. she kind of distanced herself from everything else to focus on p.i. work and raising her son.

not much later, jess realized her radiation immunity was gone and her powers were killing her, so she had roger take gerry to an upstate farm in case her condition could potentially harm her son, then set out on the search for a cure. that search of course, leading her to limbo city, nevada.

upon her arrival however, her memories quickly started to fade and by the time she woke up the next morning she had no specific recollection of memories. just innate and instinctive knowledge like her emotions toward people she was familiar with, emotional trauma that manifests mostly in her dreams, maternal instincts/yearning, her abilities both physical and learned, her interests and likes/dislikes, etc. things that come naturally to her, for the most part.

interestingly though, the town’s magic seems to have cured her??

gonna say she speaks english, romanian, german, hungarian, symkarian, russian, bulgarian, polish and spanish fluently, and knows a bit about a number of other languages.

incredibly intelligent, she is after all the daughter of a genius, raised among scientists conducting research, and her knowledge/intelligence was only maximized by her stasis education tapes.

exudes a high concentration of pheromones that can attract or repulse people, to put it simply. and ignore the original heteronormative connotations bc women aren't typically the ones she wants to repulse, and men arent always the ones she wants to attract. it's difficult to control but she learned over the years. even now without her memories she has innate control over it, but if she manages to work up a sweat (which isn't all that easy for her tbh) or misses a shower or two, well… it's gonna kick in.

she probably can't do it anymore in limbo because she can't remember how, but with her pheromones she learned to control them so well she was able to elicit fear, anxiety, attraction, hatred, pleasure, etc. and even used them to convince the hulk to make her a sandwich once.

fucking loves butter. she's been known to eat the stuff straight up. and a lot of it. lucky thing she has a spider-metabolism.

hc: she loves making puns, especially spider related ones. she also likes to annoy her spider-friends by spider-throwing the word spider in front of everything though it's obviously a joke, unlike in her cartoon where im pretty sure she was dead serious lol

hates rats. so much. she will tear down a whole skrull army but if one shapeshifts into a rat it's over okay, she already lost.

allergic to flerkens. which is great for visiting her bestie/crush, and her pet flerken chewie.

still has her suit but hasn’t worn it yet in limbo. she found it under her bed a couple days after “waking up” in limbo but put it right back because she figured it was probably some weird sex thing and maybe wasn’t even hers so, gross, yknow?

[ohallows]

Can you tell me about the Core Four's friendship? I wanna know more about them.

of course! also, if you’re interested in reading about them, heres a link to the YJ comic, some other young justice tie-in comics, graduation day, and the 2003 TT comics (which is decent but not great re: characterization, thanks geoff johns) 

 this is gonna be p short (wrt how much history there is) bc im tired but basically:

kon, bart, and tim were all kinda tired of just being sidekicks to their superhero counterparts (clark was v distant with kon, wally and bart DID NOT get along, and tim was kinda frustrated w how batman kept sidelining him [understandable bc batman was coming off of jason being killed]) 

so tim and kon became friends first i think? and then there’s this whole special where tim works with bart on a mission together, and tl;dr they all become besties and talk shit together and hang out a lot bc its hard finding other superheroes ur age you know? so they hang out and one night they stop a criminal and the media shows up and asks what their team name is and start calling them young justice and bart is like “no, we’re YOUNG but JUST US” and imagines the reporter getting brained or something i love him so much

so these three goofuses form a team under red tornados watch, and it basically (like teen titans) becomes a place for younger superhero kids to go and hang out on the weekends. the teen titans had already grown up and were like 23-25 at that time and had actually become the titans, so instead of just forming a new teen titans they formed YJ. i think like one or two issues after the first the girls joined in (cassie, cissie, greta/suzie) and lo and behold TEAM

 they all become really good friends, and really value each other. obv they rag on each other a lot because they’re all like 15 at the time but they all (for the most part) respect each other and protect each other. 

re: relationships: 

tim and kon: they are really close and complain about things together (kon literally found tim in gotham once because he recognized his heartbeat). most people ship them bc they do gay fuckin shit (like kon looking softly at tim after tim talks about how no one believes him abt batman being alive and how he feels alone and like he;s losing it and kon quietly saying ‘i believe you’ ANYWAY i love adventure comics 3). they hang out the most out of the main four, if only because they spend the most time together on the team (cassie hangs out with cissie a lot too, and bart spends a lot of his time in manchester w preston and carol). regardless of if u ship it or not, they’re incredibly good friends and trust each other more than anyone. no spoilers but the way they each react to what happens to the other is really telling in how much they value the other person. also constantly referred to as bart’s parents bc for a majority of YJ bart still was kinda stuck in his ‘easily distractable child’ phase

tim and cassie: tim and cassie respect each other as leaders. there’s a great bit in YJ where like, tim, cassie, kon, and ray all run for leader of YJ and cassie wins and even tim is like “yeah actually you’re the better leader” and doesn’t resent cassie for it. they’re honestly an adorable brotp (wlw/mlm solidarity babey!) and consistently bitch together about how dumb kon is sometimes

tim and bart: they have a great relationship, honestly. bart keeps tim from being too serious and bart actually figures out tim’s identity first (he’s lip reading when tim lies and says his name is alvin draper and goes “what kind of a name is timmy drake??” god i love bart allen sm) you don’t see it as much in early YJ bc you see tim getting annoyed by how cavalier bart acts but once tim loosens up a bit they become really close. during one storyline in TT tim and bart bond over having to live in the shadows of their mentors and tim feels like its his fault bart got hurt etc anyway they both talk about how they’re going to grow up to be more than that and its so adorable i love them sm

cassie and kon: they date for a while and honestly its pretty cute even tho i want cassie to be dating cissie king jones instead. they genuinely do treat each other well though and kon does his best to treat cassie well and consistently supports her in everything she does. again, spoilers, but cassie’s reaction to stuff that happens to kon shows how much she really does love him and how strong she is as a person as well (tim basically has a breakdown and cassie has to step up and lead the team while tim takes a hiatus)

cassie and bart: they’re SO cute omg like they really are a super healthy sibling relationship imo. both bart and cassie have a LOT of empathy tbh and they bond over a lot of stuff that they don’t tell the other two (someone bart is really close to dies and i’m pretty sure the only person he opens up to about it is cassie because she understands the most)

bart and kon: these two interacting is literally every iteration of the ‘my last two brain cells’ meme bc its just so DUMB i love these two but their collective stupid knows no bounds. there’s a great bit in YJ where bart is bored and just keeps bothering kon and bothering kon and tl;dr kon ends up with rainbow paint all over him. they also both suffer from a depressive episode around the same time so i imagine that they talk through that a little bit together. 

anyway i love these four dumbasses so much i cant wait for yj to come back. this was longer than i thought but o well i love them so

[17mounteens]

Long-lasting (Chan)

Request:

hi! can i request a fluffy (even angsty if u want bc im a sucker for happy endings) chan scenario where ur childhood besties w/ chan, n u develop a crush on him that lasts all the way through primary n high school, even tho they actually kinda started drifting apart in high school. he doesnt even know abt the crush!! but they get to college n she thinks hes forgotten all about her, until they see each other again n u can think of the rest~ im just rly soft for best friend + college au's (cont)

» alcohol warning!!!! drink responsibly if you’re old enough 🙏 I hope this is at least something like you expected, and there is a fair share of angstier bits ;; 💕

» If you’re using the tumblr app and can’t see the scenario, which is under a “keep reading”, please try opening the post in your phone’s internet browser (or a computer)! 💕

» 6,006 words

Your first day of kindergarten had left such a deep impression on you that you could still remember it fairly clearly. You had been almost three, and watching your mother leave had made you cry, which wasn’t exactly rare to happen there. You had stayed by the window for a long time, crying and hoping your mother would come pick you up soon, no matter how much the adults tried to kindly tell you that she would come in the afternoon.

The tears only stopped when your shoulder was tapped and you had turned around to see a boy of your age, smiling brightly.

“Come play with me. My mom left, too, but she’ll come back. Come on.”

And that was how you had met Lee Chan, your future best friend.

None of the first mornings at the kindergarten were easy for you, but Chan made them a lot better by playing with you and making it apparent that he wanted to be your friend. Playing with him made you forget about how much you missed your mother, and because you were new and you got along with him, you wanted to be his friend, too.

Both of your parents picked up on your friendship soon, whether it was because you two were always playing together whenever they picked you up or because you talked so much about each other and how you were friends at home. It didn’t take long for you two to have regular play dates, and you also invited each other to your birthday parties, where you were tightly together, too.

Simply put, you became best friends rather soon and stuck side by side throughout kindergarten and preschool, and would do so for many years to come.

Somewhere during preschool, however, you were surprised to have your mother ask you something that would have you think about everything in a new light.

“So, darling… do you like Chan?”

She had been folding the laundry and sounded casual while asking that, and you turned to look at her in surprise, putting aside the simple children’s book you were reading here and there. “He’s my best friend, of course I like him.”

Your mother had turned to look at you meaningfully, a warm smile on her lips. “I meant as more than a friend. We’ve noticed the way you look at him, and we were just wondering…”

“Who’s we?” you asked, focusing on the less important part rather than the fact that apparently you had a specific way in which you looked at Chan. Had he noticed?

“Your father and I, Chan’s mother, the preschool teacher…” your mother hummed and laughed good-humoredly when you hid your face in the nearest pillow and groaned dramatically. Putting the laundry away, she sat next to you on the couch you were lying on and stroked your back. “Honey, it’s fine, crushes come and go. It’s completely fine.”

Yeah, crushes came and went, but yours stuck with you for the next thirteen years.

After that discussion, you began thinking about it more, and realized that you may or may not have had a small crush on Chan. It was all kinds of pure and innocent - you were only six, after all - but you decided already then that you would never let him know about it.

Your friendship was more important than a flimsy crush that would eventually go away.

…

Time passed, and you and Chan were happy to be in the same class when you entered primary school. The teacher soon figured that you two should not sit next to each other unless they wanted to have you chatting throughout every lesson, but neither of you minded too much: you spent the breaks together, anyway.

As you grew older, you and Chan only got closer, although you also had your fights. Sometimes one of you would feel left out; sometimes he’d get upset after you beat him at a game; sometimes one of you just had a bad day, and sometimes there were simply misunderstandings that you solved fast and continued as though nothing had ever happened. None of the small quarrels tore you apart from each other, and instead brought the two of you closer to one another.

Even your crush on him got stronger as time passed, which wasn’t necessarily what you wanted to happen. You thought he was really cute and cool, and loved seeing him dance as he picked up interest in it. Whenever he was sick, you worried about him, and would help him with schoolwork if he wasn’t fully on track. Naturally he was also incredibly kind to you, being a good-hearted boy who thought of you as one of the most important people in his life, and it made you happy. He never left a favor unreturned, and took similar care of you as you did of him.

Still too pure to think too deep into it, you simply enjoyed the hugs you got from him and gave him, as much as they made you feel butterflies yet were simply an act of friendship to him.

It wasn’t until you entered middle school that you realized that especially with your feelings growing stronger, the one-sided nature of them would eventually hurt you: Chan was starting to get interested in people in a romantic way, and when he first whispered to you that he had a crush on someone, your heart jumped to your throat, only to sink back down when Chan told you who it was on. Naturally, you though, it was not on you.

“That’s nice,” you told him, forcing a smile to your face, and held back a deep sigh when the object of his crush walked past the two of you and you had to witness the smitten look on his face.

“It feels so nice,” Chan sighed dreamily, a serene smile on his face, and turned to you with a wide smile. “I hope you find someone you like soon, too.”

“Sure,” you managed to say despite your heart hurting and wanting to tell him that you had already liked him for seven years.

He tilted his head a little at your ingenuine tone and expression, but was soon distracted by the teacher entering the class. “I’ll talk to you again after the lesson.”

You only nodded, sighing when Chan left to his own seat, and looked at your notebook absentmindedly. Now that you knew who he liked, you couldn’t help but pay attention to how much he looked at them, and you could only wish he would look at you with such a warm, adoring gaze.

In all honesty you had known it was bound to happen sooner or later - with how many confessions he had gotten, you thought it impossible for him to not like someone eventually. For the sake of your own heart, you just hoped that he wouldn’t start dating before you got over your silly little crush.

You got your share of confessions, too, and after turning down one, you had Chan running to you. You were in ninth grade, practically counting days until the summer holidays, after which you’d enter high school.

“Why did you turn him down? He really likes you, and he’s not too bad, either, is he?” he asked, genuinely curious, and got his arm around your shoulders, which made your heart flutter.

“It’s too early to start dating,” you mumbled, avoiding Chan’s gaze, and sighed. “And besides, I like someone else.”

“He must be a lucky guy,” Chan smiled widely and squeezed your shoulder lightly. “You need to tell me who he is sometime.”

“We’ll see,” you said with a small smile, although your heart felt heavy. Even after all those years, you still weren’t ready to tell him - not when you had regular sleepovers and knew practically all of each other’s secrets. It was all too precious to be ruined: by the age of fifteen, you had some knowledge on the possible outcomes of confessing to your friend, and you didn’t want to take chances.

By the time you finally entered high school, you were officially smitten for Chan. Your cheeks would heat up in his presence a lot, and you were getting more and more conscious over the fact that he was attractive and that you really wanted to kiss him.

He had yet to notice anything, and by then you were in too deep to say anything about your crush, either, and instead swallowed any and all bitter feelings inside of you when he found a girl he liked, then loved, and eventually started dating.

Up until then you had been inseparably close, and even when he started dating the girl, you remained fairly close, although you could also feel him growing more distant as he began spending more time with her and less with you, which you also partially blamed on yourself. With the bitter emotions storming inside of you, there had been a few occasions where you had let jealousy have the best of you and had given him a bit of a cold shoulder, which you regretted.

It all lasted for a few months, during which you had gotten closer with your friends in one of the after school clubs you took part in, until one afternoon you saw Chan waiting at the door of the classroom your club was in. Frowning, you grabbed your bag and walked to the door.

“What’s up?” you asked in concern as the two of you began walking home, and Chan remained oddly quiet.

“She broke up with me,” he then said, his eyes aimed at the ground. Your heart dropped at the sight and knowledge, and you pouted a little as Chan sighed, a small, sad smile on his face.

“You’ll be fine,” you said and got your arm around his shoulders, holding him close to you. “You’re so sweet and kind and so cool when you dance; I’m sure there’ll be someone else.”

Sighing, Chan nodded. “I hope you’re right.”

For a few months you got closer again as you helped him mend his broken heart, but eventually, especially during the second year of high school, the two of you began truly drifting apart.

Chan got more active in the dance club, which took a lot of his time, as well as got much closer to the people in it. Adding a new girlfriend to that, there wasn’t too much time for you, although both of you tried to stay close for as long as you could. However, once you started spending more and more time with your other friends, too, it started to feel natural to talk less and less.

For some time you two would still text regularly and talk at school every now and then, but gradually throughout the school year, the two of you went from best friends to near strangers. You were in different classes for your last year of high school, and hardly talked at all during it.

By the summer you hardly even greeted each other, and it tore your heart apart just as much as it did to see him kiss his girlfriend at your graduation with the brightest smile on his face.

Your parents had also taken note of him not coming over, as opposed to him coming over at least once a week for whatever reason, and you had told them with a pained expression that you two weren’t talking anymore.

That summer, both your parents and friends made sure you had a great time, and you found yourself hardly even thinking about Chan with all the trips you went on and great things you did with your friends.

You could only hope college would be good to you, too.

…

Unfortunately you were painfully aware about the fact that Chan would be going to the same college as you, but you found solace in thinking that he’d probably have forgotten about you, as well as the fact that the college had so many students that bumping into him out of all people seemed unlikely.

Once you had first gotten to campus, you got settled in your room, which you were fortunate enough to share with someone you clicked with fairly well, and sighed as you looked out of your window. Your roommate tilted their head.

“Something on your mind?” they asked and got their counterpane out of one of their boxes so that they could put it on their bed.

You pouted a little and turned to look at your roommate. “Just… it’s not too likely to meet someone from your past when there’s so many of us here, right?”

They raised their eyebrows before shrugging with a small smile. “I want to say it isn’t, but the universe has twisted ways.”

“That’s true,” you sighed, slumping your shoulders as you sat down on your bed. “I just want to have a peaceful freshman year.”

Your roommate snorted, at which you pouted.

“Good luck with that.”

Not much later, you were called out for the beginning of orientation, and you decided to stick together at first, although you both had some of your friends from high school join you rather soon. There were a few quicker informative lectures about the college, how it worked and so on, and a few hours later you were more than ready to retreat back to your room with some pamphlets and flyers in your arms.

“Is there still something?” you asked with a sigh, and one of your high school friends hummed as they looked at the timetable.

“A lecture on student services, I think,” they said, and you held back a groan.

Before you were able to say anything else, you heard your name be called.

“Y/N?”

Chills ran down your spine as your feet stopped moving, and your friends turned to look at you in surprise. Slowly, you turned to look at the direction where the familiar voice came from, although it was lower than you remembered.

And there he was: Lee Chan, looking confused and wearing a pair of round glasses that made him all the more adorable.

“Chan..?” you asked with a tilt of your head, frowning, and felt your heart jump to your throat when he melted into a wide smile that left no room for misunderstanding: it was Chan. Turning to your friends, you smiled a little. “I’ll come soon. Save me a seat, okay?”

With that, you walked to Chan, all kinds of emotions storming inside of you: disappointment over how things had gone between the two of you, surprise to see him on the very first day of orientation, happiness over seeing him after a long time, and… something warm in your chest over how lovely his smile still was.

“I saw you were going to enroll here, but I didn’t expect to see you, at least so soon,” Chan said brightly, and you nodded with a small, awkward smile on your face.

“Me neither,” you noted and took a deep breath. “So… how are you and Minkyung?”

His face fell momentarily, but the smile reappeared on his face soon. “Ah, we broke up over the summer. It wasn’t working.”

“I see,” you nodded, trying to ignore the way your heart seemed to flutter with some dumb hope.

“What about you? Anything new?” Chan inquired, and you wished you had something interesting to tell him, such as having a hot boyfriend or having done something cool over the summer or just anything.

And yet. “Nothing, really. Same old, same old.”

Chan smiled at you. “Well, now that we’re in college I’m sure there’ll be something. And also… do you want to catch up sometime? Like, properly, over coffee or something?”

“Uh, sure,” you said, slightly dumbfounded as to where it was all coming from, and got a bright smile from him.

“I think we need to go now, but I’ll message you about it later,” he stated and you could only nod as you then began walking to the auditorium your next lecture would be in. Chan stole glances at you, worrying his lower lip between his teeth; he was next to his childhood friend who was once his best friend, yet you now felt like a stranger, and he blamed it on himself. “So… did you have a nice summer?”

“I did, actually,” you said, your smile becoming more genuine and happy as you recalled all the great memories you had made during the few months you had had free. “I travelled quite a bit, and just… did a lot of things, you know.”

“I think I saw some of the photos, yeah,” Chan hummed and gave you a warm smile. “I’m glad you had a good time.”

“I hope you did, too,” you said right when you reached the auditorium door, which was where you parted your ways as Chan left to look for people he knew and you located your friends, too.

Your roommate nudged you as soon as you had sat down next to them. “Was that the someone from the past?”

“Yeah,” you whispered, trying to calm down your rapidly beating heart.

“Is he your ex or something?” they asked, and you nearly choked on your spit.

“God, no. We… used to be best friends and I used to like him for a long time, it’s a long story,” you mumbled and let out a deep sigh. Your roommate nodded in understanding, and before the person at the very front of the auditorium began talking, told you that they’d be willing to listen if you ever wanted to talk about it.

A few hours later you were finally back to your room, and upon checking your phone, noticed a message from Chan where he asked you if you wanted to grab coffee the next day. Although skeptical, you found yourself agreeing, and so the next day you made your way to one of the cafés on campus, spotting Chan by the door of it.

“Good to see you,” he smiled when he spotted you, and you smiled once you finally reached him.

“Yeah,” you said with a nod, and without further ado suggested that you enter the café.

The two of you looked at the menu carefully, and Chan asked you what you were getting. When you answered, he chuckled and looked at you brightly. “Some things don’t change. I remember you getting that pretty much all the time.”

“Why change the order when you’ve found something you like,” you said with a soft chuckle, and Chan agreed. Much to your amusement he ordered his old favorite, too, and soon you were both seated by one of the window tables.

Meeting up with him was just as awkward as you had feared it would be, yet also oddly comfortable. While you hadn’t talked in almost a year, it felt like hardly any time had passed since you last spoke. It was weird and it made you both happy and sad, knowing that you had missed almost a year of time with him.

Almost a year without your best friend.

You caught up pretty extensively and talked about your shared memories, all of which made you feel nostalgic, and for a moment it felt like you were with the 3-year-old you had once become friends with - only, you were both 16 years older.

A few hours later, the two of you walked back to your dorms, talking cheerfully as you did so. When you reached your dorm, Chan turned to you.

“I know I kinda… blew it in high school, but would you like to start seeing more again?” he asked, seemingly hopeful yet nervous about your reply. The next words he practically blurted out. “I really miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” you mumbled, hardly able to keep a pout off your face, and without thinking about it too much - thinking about your feelings too much - you nodded. “I think it’d be nice to reconnect.”

Even if it meant awakening the warm feelings that were already starting to arise in your chest whenever you saw him smile.

“Great,” Chan grinned at you, and gave you a friendly hug. “Well, I’ll see you around, then.”

“Yeah, see you,” you smiled and watched him leave as he continued walking down the road until he reached his dorm. Sighing, you entered yours and made your way to your room, thinking about the decision you had just made.

All you could do was hope you wouldn’t regret it.

After that you and Chan saw each other regularly, regaining the close friendship you once shared, little by little. You were a bit worried to realize that with that, all the adoration and love you felt for him were brought back, too, but you didn’t know how to stop it, and finding someone else didn’t feel right, either, as much as your roommate promised to work as some sort of a matchmaker for you.

No, you’d figure it out yourself eventually.

Time passed, and towards the end of the first semester you and Chan were more or less best friends again, although you were still trying to mend what had been lost and broken between the two of you. You spent a lot of time together and supported each other during whatever slumps occurred, and also went to most of the events and parties together, sometimes with one or two other friends, too.

It made you smile how you got to see him in such new situations: falling asleep on his book in the library, witnessing him dancing wildly at a party after one too many drinks, sneaking him to your dorm room after he had gotten locked out of his own for a reason you weren’t sure you even wanted to know… you treasured every bit of it, and Chan felt the same way about you.

Shortly put, you were both more than happy to be back in each other’s lives.

As the spring semester came near, Chan invited you to yet another party, which felt particularly tempting due to how annoyingly strong your crush on him was getting once again. Sleeping had gotten difficult because you thought about him so much, and you found yourself thinking about him more and more, too, and not completely platonically, either. With how much you wanted to do all kinds of romantic things with him and have him treasure you, you concluded that you were in need of a drink and letting loose; you were in need of forgetting, if only for one night.

As per usual, the two of you went to the party together, and Chan raised his eyebrows when you went directly to the drinks.

“Planning to get wasted today?” he asked jokingly when you poured a drink for yourself, and you nodded determinedly once you raised the cup to your lips.

“Damn straight,” you said with a smile, not in the least correcting Chan when he assumed that the reason lied in the nearing new semester, which only knew stress, deadlines and lacking sleep.

“Good thing you have me taking care of you,” he chuckled and got himself a drink, too and you agreed with him.

Much to your joy the party was incredibly pleasant. You had a good time and were actually able to forget about your feelings for Chan for a moment, and you found out that the party wasn’t too bad even when you were separated from him for a while. You talked with people you hadn’t spoken with before, danced a little and all that, all the while Chan talked with some people, too, while making sure you were okay and not getting into any kind of trouble.

Some hours into the party, Chan blinked in surprise when you suddenly got your arm around his shoulders and leaned against him, your breath smelling faintly of the alcohol you still had in your cup as well as in your body. A smile spread to his lips, and he got his arm around you, too, providing you support. “What’s up?”

“I have to tell you something,” you began with a giggle that he could tell was more hollow than it was meant to be. He raised his eyebrows, and you grinned at him, although it didn’t reach your eyes. “It’s a funny story, really.”

“What is it?” he asked, one of his eyebrows quirked, completely unaware of what you were about to say.

You let out a deep sigh, your face falling a little at that. “I used to have a huge crush on you for a loooong time, you know?”

Chan’s eyes widened and his lips parted in surprise, and he was unable to say anything as his heart jumped to his throat.

“You never noticed it… Maybe I hid it so well? It was funny, honestly… Being your best friend when I just really… loved you,” you said, your words sounding a bit messy, and Chan listened intently, his expression darkening a little when you went on. “All the girls you dated… your broken heart that I had to help you heal…”

“Y/N, stop,” Chan managed to say at last and pulled you a bit closer to him so that he could hug you with one arm. You sighed again, closing your eyes and leaning into him, hardly remembering the cup in your hand.

“You’ve still got such a warm hug,” you sighed, breathing in his scent, and there was something in the situation added to the alcohol in your blood that made you emotional. Sniffling, you took a hold of the back of Chan’s sweater. “...I want to go home.”

As much as he was enjoying the party, his heart was hurting seeing you like that, especially after hearing what you had said, so he nodded without hesitation. “Let’s go.”

Chan walked you to your dorm room and made sure you got to bed well, but when he was about to leave, you took his hand into yours.

“Don’t leave me again,” you mumbled, your eyes already closed, and Chan pouted a little, rubbing the back of your hand gently.

“Do you want me to stay over?” he asked, and you let out a noise he could only take as a positive answer, especially when it was joined with a nod from you.

You let go of his hand and got into a comfortable position under your blanket, and soon you had him lying down next to you, keeping a safe space between the two of you. Chan sighed as he looked at you, a put on his face, and stroked your arm slowly through the blanket you had over yourself.

“I’ve made you go through a lot, haven’t I?” he asked rhetorically, his voice small, and smiled a little with a sad hint to it. “I’ll try to make up for it. I’m sorry.”

The next morning you, much to your own surprise, woke up with Chan by your side. You frowned, trying to remember what had happened the previous night, but it was all so blurry and the headache was killing you, so all you could do was hope you hadn’t said or done anything dumb, although being in your own bed fully clothed gave you a lot of hope.

Somewhat able to scramble over Chan, you got out of bed and into the bathroom, taking note of the empty bed of your roommate’s on the way. Figuring that they’d gotten some other place to sleep at the night before, you instead focused on how the night had been for you while brushing your teeth and washing your face.

Clearly you had been with Chan the whole evening, which wasn’t much of a surprise since you were close again, but besides that it all was a blur. Only your gut feeling told you that there was a good reason for him to have slept next to you.

Even after you had freshened up a little, you remained seated on your toilet, trying to will your body to feel less nauseous while also avoiding having to talk with Chan, who you hoped was still sleeping.

Your hopes turned into dust when you could hear a knock on the bathroom door, followed by a low, groggy voice. “Y/N, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, just give me a second,” you rushed to answer, and you hated the way your heart was hammering in your chest. As if you weren’t feeling bad enough already.

“Okay,” Chan replied, after which you figured he left the door.

Sighing, you massaged your temples. Whether it was the hangover or just a general arising of old emotions, you suddenly felt as much like a mess as you had in high school when you were trying to deal with the unrequited feelings you held for the boy that was now sitting on your bed.

“I’m stronger now,” you mumbled to yourself and finally stood up and got out of the bathroom, building up your courage so that you could look at Chan and actually talk with him.

He smiled up at you, his hair a bit of a mess. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” you mumbled with a small smile, too, and leaned against the wall next to the bathroom door. Clearing your throat, you began fiddling with the hem of the shirt you were wearing. “So… what happened last night?”

You could see Chan’s expression change for a moment before he sighed and gave you a soft yet sad smile. “You kind of… opened up, I guess.”

Feeling your eyes widen, you then winced and covered your face with your hand. “About..?”

Chan pouted and stood up so that he could walk to you. “About you, me, us… I had no idea you liked me.”

Your heart felt like it could’ve burst out of anxiety, and breathing felt challenging, too. Chan looked at you in concern and slowly placed his hands on your shoulders, only pulling you into a hug when you didn’t show a sign of not wanting it.

“It’s really nothing,” you mumbled, clinging onto Chan as you hid your face in his shoulder. Tears were stinging in your eyes, and a part of you hated just how comforting his hug was, even as you braced yourself for yet another rejection, this time a direct one.

“It’s not nothing,” Chan said, audibly pouting, and stroked your back soothingly. “I could tell you’ve been hurting, you know. And I’m sorry. For that, and for letting us drift apart, and…”

“It takes two to drift apart,” you reminded him with a sniffle, and got a quiet hum from him.

“I guess. I just… I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispered, holding you close as he sighed. “I’m sorry for being blind.”

Holding the back of his sweater in your fists, you shook your head. “It’s fine, I was doing my best to hide it anyway… I played myself.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Chan said quietly, and you slowly lifted your face, looking at him with a small frown, your eyes glistening with tears. He gave you a small, sad smile and dried some of the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs. “I’ve been blind to my own feelings.”

Unable to say anything, all you could do was stare into his eyes as you tried to figure out if he was saying what you thought he was saying, and you could hear your heartbeat.

Melting into a wide smile, Chan caressed your cheeks. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently, Y/N, and I think I…”

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” you whispered, your eyes watering with fresh tears, and Chan shook his head, his eyes glistening a little, too.

“...like you. I like you.”

His voice was so steady and his gaze was so warm that your knees nearly gave in, and you weren’t sure if you still believed your ears.

Lee Chan, who you had liked since preschool, liked you?

A smile spread to your lips as you sniffled and placed your hands on top of his on your cheeks. “Really? Even though I’m… me? Despite all the unflattering situations you’ve seen me in?”

“Because you’re you,” Chan laughed, the grin on his face widening at your latter remark. “Besides, most of those unflattering situations were in kindergarten.”

“My point exactly,” you choked out and let out a quiet laugh. “We’ve known each other for so long, it’s crazy.”

“Maybe that’s why I’m crazy about you,” Chan blurted out and blushed a little. “I mean--”

“Smooth,” you smiled at him, and Chan held back a groan before looking into your eyes shyly, lowering his hands from your cheeks and taking your hands into his.

“How do you feel about me now, though?” he asked quietly, biting on his lower lip as he waited for your reply.

“Right now you’re not helping my hangover, but,” you began, taking a break as you grinned widely, “I still like you, you dummy.”

Chan let out a sigh of relief and hugged you tightly, only to pull back soon afterwards. “You’re hungover?”

“Yep,” you nodded with a meek smile, and got a chuckle from Chan.

“Get in bed, I’ll go grab us something to eat and be right back.”

You did just that and watched him curiously as he put his jacket on and turned to look at you with a bright smile on his face before leaving your room.

There was comfort in the knowledge that he would be back, and once he did return, the two of you ate eagerly, after which you talked a little about how you felt about each other and how you would continue.

Little by little your relationship grew more romantic in nature - neither of you rushed anything, and instead let it all happen naturally as days passed. You’d start holding hands, hug more, cuddle…

And, a few weeks later, you shared your first kiss, which was everything yet nothing like you had imagined, but only in a good way.

You had been on your bed, you with one of your coursebooks on your lap and Chan was playing a video game on his portable console, and after finishing another stage, he had turned to you, about to ask something. You had turned to him at the same time, and your lips brushed against each other’s, which made your eyes widen.

Melting into a smile, you had then placed your hand on his leg and given him a proper kiss, to which he replied with a similar wide, happy smile, cupping your cheek with his hand.

Slowly, you pulled back, the brightest smile on your face. “So, what were you about to say?”

“I forgot,” Chan snorted, and you gave him a gentle nudge, at which he laughed.

Whatever he was about to ask you never came back to him, but instead you shared a few more light kisses before attempting to focus on what you were doing again, which proved out to be impossible to the point where you ushered Chan out of your room, laughing.

“I’ll leave with one condition,” he said with a laugh when he was standing in the hallway and you were by your door.

Quirking your eyebrow knowingly, you grinned. “One more kiss?”

“Exactly,” Chan smiled and pulled you in for a kiss that nearly had you melting and reconsidering your decision to study rather than spend time with him - only the importance of the course helped you remain strong.

Meanwhile, Chan left with a grin on his face, and once you returned to your bed, you were met with two messages showing on your phone screen.

14:02 I could tell you wanted me to stay. Study well, I won’t kiss you again unless your exam goes well! 14:03 ...We both know that’s a lie, but I still want you to do well! I love you 💕

Admin Scooter

[theliadam]

LOVE AIN’T → WINDAM

TAGGING → Adam Li and Winnie Lilywhite ( @winemalilywhite )

TIMELINE → June 6th, 2018

SETTING → Adam’s bedroom

SUMMARY → A moment at Tia’s party sends the normalcy of Adam and Winnie’s friendship up in flames, and leaves them both needing answers. Instead, the line of questioning leads them somewhere they wouldn’t expect. Gets kinda smutty yolo ✌️

Winnie had been tossing and turning ever since she’d gotten home from Tia’s party. Maybe it was the fact that her adrenaline was still pumping in the aftermath of the fire, or maybe she was just restless because she and L’ogan hadn’t gotten to finish what they’d started. Or maybe — more likely, really — it was driving Winnie crazy that Adam hadn’t texted her back to answer any of her plethora of questions. He’d responded long enough to make sure she got home safely, and then he’d been freezing her out, and every time Winnie shut her eyelids, she could see his shocked face in her head, and maybe it was wishful thinking on her part, but it felt like more to her. More than just a friend who was grossed out by walking in on his bestie having sex, more than just surprise — and Winnie finally rolled out of her bed, tossed a hoodie on over her pajama shorts and tank top, and found herself out in the cool night air, wide awake even before it hit her face. She didn’t even think about it, just let reflex carry her until suddenly she was at Adam’s window, knocking loudly on it, not caring whether he was asleep or not. She needed him to answer, she needed to see him face to face — Winnie needed to know what his reaction meant, if she was ever going to get any peace of mind.

Adam didn't usually have trouble going to sleep. In fact, it was one of the things he bragged about most, being able to knock out anytime. Something about tonight, though, was off. It was probably that it was too hot, but even after he kicked back his covers and tossed off his shirt, nothing. Maybe it was extreme embarrassment from the party. As if seeing your best friend mid-fuck wasn't traumatic enough, there was the part after where he'd, well, accidentally set things on fire. He couldn't stop replaying it in his head, as though if he imagined it enough times, it would start to make sense, but still, none of it did. Winnie leaving him at a party to hook up with someone, L'ogan  no less, and the way it'd all dissolved so soon after, was enough to make him feel a little crazy. He was glad everyone had turned out fine and no one had gotten hurt, but he still didn't feel like showing his face any time soon. He didn't want anyone to see him. Or, as a sharp tapping on his window caught his attention, it occurred to him that maybe he didn't to see anybody either, or at least not Winnie. He'd turned off his phone as soon he made sure she was okay, because he wasn't sure what he'd say to her the next time he saw her or even what she'd want to know; however, even before he pulled back the curtain he had a feeling that it was her at his window. He couldn't imagine anyone else who'd come see him after that fiasco. He hoped he was wrong, though, and a knot tied behind his abs at the sight of her face, flashing back to the last time he'd seen it, contorted in pleasure... He squeezed his eyes shut, willing that image away as he slid open the glass panel. "Hey," he tried, a small smile crossing his face. Despite it all, it was good to see Winnie, even if it felt a little different now in a way he wasn't totally sure of. "Um, what's up? Do you wanna come in?" he asked, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck, trying to act like it was any other night.

“Not really,” Winnie said truthfully, although she was already swinging one leg over his window ledge and clambering inside like she’d done so many times before. She didn’t usually get nervous, not even around Adam or Rafe in the heyday of her crushes on them, but nervousness was bone-deep tonight. Maybe she was crazy. Maybe Adam had just been confusing her lately and she was making it into something it wasn’t in her head, and he was going to tell her he didn’t care what she did or with who. Or worse — maybe he was going to tell her his reaction had been the L’ogan of it all. The dude had a history with Tia and Izzie; maybe Adam had felt more on his Valentine’s date than he’d admitted and was mad on Izzie’s behalf or something. That thought felt even crazier, though, bordering almost on a conspiracy theory of annoying popular girl proportions, and the realization should have helped Winnie to just spit out the questions Adam hadn’t answered earlier. Instead, though, she grumbled at how suddenly warm it was, peeling her sweatshirt over her head, feeling her tank top underneath pull up to reveal her stomach as she did so. In one fell swoop, she tossed the sweatshirt at his head and smoothed her shirt. “You guys keep it stupidly hot in here,” she informed him. “Is that the real reason why you torched Tia’s party early? Walt beaches not warm enough for you?” She asked scathingly, mentally cursing herself for not just getting to the point.

Adam was about to say that she didn't have to come in, then, because truthfully he wasn't sure he wanted her in his room either, but then she was in anyway and all he could do was look at her. Or, well, try to; it probably would've been more accurate to say that it was all he could do to look at her for a few seconds, avert his gaze to her surroundings, and back to her again. It became harder to look away, though, when her sweatshirt came off and his eyes flickered down to her bare stomach. The knot that had formed in his stomach lurched at the sight. Why was he thinking about Winnie naked right now? It only served to make him more uncomfortable, if uncomfortable was even what he was feeling. Taking a step back and away from her, he leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his bare chest. His throat went dry at the way she asked, like she was mad at him or something. Maybe she should be, but it wasn't something he was up to dealing with right now. Honesty. Honesty was the best policy, and so he took in a deep breath to apologize. "I'm sorry, okay? It wasn't like I wanted, you know, that to happen. I didn't mean to ruin the party or anything else. It just happened. And everyone's okay and safe and so, I don't know, if you're here to be mad at me for it, could it wait till the morning? I'll be just as embarrassed then but hopefully better rested."

“I’m not mad,” Winnie shot back defensively. Then she amended her statement, adding a “yet” to the end that gave her room to change her mind, if she didn’t like what he had to say. And especially if he didn’t say anything at all; that would make Winnie the maddest. If she had so many thoughts bouncing around in her head and so many things she was thinking, and Adam was just silent on the subject all together. “I’m just… confused. I don’t know.” Winnie sized up Adam’s body language, the way he stepped away from her, the way he leaned as far away as he could get and folded his arms over his chest�� Closed off. Like she probably wasn’t going to get anywhere, but she had to try. She mirrored his movements, crossing her arms over her chest, too, and letting out a heavy sigh. “Why were you in the lifeguard shack at all, Adam? I mean — were you trying to stop me from having any fun? Were you coming to apologize? Did you miss me? Were you just scoping out your own hookup spot and ended up in there totally on accident?” Each question felt more obnoxious than the last to her; if he were the one asking her instead, she’d have rolled her eyes to infinity and beyond, but it seemed that tonight, Winnie couldn’t stop herself from slipping dangerously close to what she’d always viewed as crazy girl territory. “And what was that face? You just looked…” Winnie huffed, trying to find a good word for it that wouldn’t give away her most closely guarded secret all in one fell swoop; in the end, she still felt like she’d failed. “Why did you look at me like that?”

Adam tried not to raise a brow at how her words and her tone contradicted each other, but failed when she tacked on the 'yet'. "Yet", like he was doomed to mess up no matter what happened. He felt that way around Winnie a lot lately, and he knew it was his fault for leaving without saying goodbye, but it was starting to seem like he'd never be able to make up for that. He either ignored her too much or she felt like he was hiding her or he brought her to parties and had such a good time with her, and somehow all of that was the same degree of wrong, wrong, wrong. He was tired of being wrong and being confused, and though it was almost a comfort to know she was confused too, that relief only lasted as long as it took for her to start asking questions. His brow crinkled immediately, his arms tightening around himself. "What? No!" His voice was still low but he could hear it rising in intensity as the feeling of being attacked took over. "Why the heck wouldn't I want you to have fun? Especially since being around me so much made you miserable, I'm glad you got your kicks with someone ," he almost spat, surprising himself with how hurt he sounded by that. He cleared his throat to continue as impartially as he could, steadying his tone and his face as he shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. "I wasn't stalking you or anything, I don't know. I just - you were gone and I wanted to know where you went. I didn't know that I'd find what I did, but it wasn't like I was there to stop it and yeah, I'm sorry for how it all went down, but I didn't mean to. It just kind of...happened." He swallowed thickly, his throat almost in pain by the time he got to the end. He blinked in surprise at the mention of his face. He didn't know if he'd looked as overwhelmed as he'd felt, but suddenly he felt like a new kind of exposed, as if he were the one who'd been caught having sex and not her. "I, uh, don't know what you mean," he stammered, his heart thumping loudly in his ears. Avoidance. He was avoiding the answer but he wasn't sure why. It felt like there were a million reasons his face looked the way it had and he couldn't vocalize any of them, and instead he blurted, "I just... I didn't see me, I don't know what my face looked like. And you probably didn't get a good look either. In case you forgot, you were otherwise occupied."

Winnie resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Her mother had told her that was bad for diplomatic relations — that it always played her card and made it hard to negotiate with anyone. And Winnie didn’t mean to act superior or like she thought that what people were saying was beneath her; sometimes, it just happened, and her feelings were plain as day on her face. Right now, though, she hoped her face was impassive. If she couldn’t stay neutral looking, if she couldn’t hold her cards close to her chest, then Adam would realize that the reason this all was so hard for her was because of her stupid, un-buriable feelings for him, and that was hardly something she even wanted to deal with. She certainly didn’t want to have to see how grossed out he was by that information, or deal with the fallout of him knowing. Still, the fact that she was even here fighting him at all… She had to hope that Izzie wasn’t home, or that Adam would keep this close to his chest and not talk to anyone about it. He might be dense, but it seemed like elementary to anyone else, she was sure. “I don’t want to have this same fight with you again,” Winnie reminded him, knowing she’d near well blown up at him at the party, too. “I get it, I’m awesome, but you’ve been going to those parties for years and hanging out with God knows who doing God knows what. It was just… a lot, that you wanted to spend every second of the thing with me. It felt… I don’t know, fake, and confusing.” Winnie ran her fingers through her short hair, tugging on the ends of it to try and keep herself from unloading the whole rant she’d made earlier on him again. He didn’t even know he was making things harder for her by caring too much. And she didn’t want to tell him, either, so it was almost like they were at an impasse. “So you make that face everytime you’re surprised?” Winnie challenged, taking a step closer to him, hating the distance he had put between them even more than she hated the stupid magnetic pull she felt towards him. She was scared to invade his space, scared to get too close… but she still didn’t stop until she was within an arm’s length, so close he could reach her if he wanted to. But he didn’t want to; that much was clear to her, that much had always been clear to her, and she glared up at him, gritting her teeth together for a second. “Because you don’t, Adam, I’ve never seen you look like that before and I just… don’t get why. Were you mad? Disappointed? Confused? If you really think it’s the same way you always are, and you really think it’s not a big deal, then why did you just stop talking to me? Why are you acting like… whatever this is that you’re acting like?” Winnie demanded, waving towards his closed-off body language and his impossible to read expression.

Adam couldn't get a clear reading on Winnie at all right now, and that kind of scared him; not even when she brought up the almost-fight they'd had was he sure how she was feeling. He'd first thought she was angry because, well, she was here , but now that he was trying to dissect whatever it was that made the air feel so hard to breath, he knew it had to be more. Had he embarrassed her that fully? First among all their peers, and then with L'Ogan? He hadn't thought their opinions meant much to Winnie, she'd given him enough grief about how it was weird that they mattered so much to him, but maybe it was different when she was among them. An intoxicating environment, Adam knew, could do a lot. "You say that like I'd be doing something ridiculous if you weren't there," he pointed out. "I'd be doing what I was doing with you with whoever was around instead, it's not major. I didn't think it was a bad thing to want to spend the party with you, but then again, I also didn't realize you were on the hunt." He hated himself for how almost aggressive that lest sentence sounded and he took a breath, trying to force himself to have some chill as he smiled and added, "Win, if you'd told me that's what you were there for, I would've, I don't know, backed off or something." The last part came out basically whispered, because it felt like a big old lie as he was saying it. After all, if he'd known her endgame for the night had been L'Ogan sex, he would've tried harder to stop it, wouldn't he?

But why? Winnie was great, she deserved to have sex if she wanted to, and his mom would be so disappointed if she thought he was trying to make a woman's choice for her. So why did it matter? Why did it bother him? Not being able to figure it out was scary, like staring at an exam he knew he'd studied the answer to but just couldn't remember, but it wasn't as scary as Winnie closing in. He didn't want her that close, things were different now, and he didn't want to be different in close quarters, but he couldn't move. He was frozen to his spot and to his argument that his face had been, well, just a normal face - it was a dumb argument, since he was sure his face now wasn't a normal face either. He opened his mouth to say "I don't know" but that was a non-answer and it wouldn't help anything, and if anything she was just getting angrier and more frustrated. She didn't show it as much as he could feel it wafting off of her, her air mixing with his. And then she gritted her teeth and his eyes flickered down and he paused. What was happening to his brain right now? 

"I don't know what I'm acting like, don't you get that?" he insisted, finally looking up from her mouth. His fists tightened, then dropped to his sides. "I want to give you an answer, Win, I really do, but I can't. All I know is that I needed some space to get my head back to normal." And even as he said he wanted space, his body betrayed him and took a step closer to hers, as if being closer would make him look taller and make him feel less exposed than he did. "But even if I don't know what this is, I can promise you that I'm not angry. Confused? Sure. Disappointed? I don't know. There's a bunch of stuff in here, but mad? I think you're the only one here that is and I'm sorry. I wish I could've done the night differently. That it could've ended differently."

Winnie scoffed at his comment. “On the hunt? Yeah, right. It just happened, it wasn’t like… planned,” she pointed out, looking up into his eyes, searching for something that probably wasn’t there. Like jealousy, or some kind of wish that it had been him instead — Winnie shivered a little at that thought, even though the room was hot and so was her temper. She’d buried any thought of Adam as more than a friend for so long, and she hated how it was kicking back up into full gear at the worst time possible. She would have given anything to just turn around and climb out the window and leave it alone, to wake up and pretend that nothing had happened. But she couldn’t do that and she knew it; she’d just go back to her cottage and not be able to sleep and wish she had answers all over again. “I don’t want L’ogan, I’ve only ever wanted…” Winnie trailed off, frustrated again, but at least her voice was a little softer, trying to match the tone in Adam’s. He was whispering, like maybe if he was quiet enough she and her stupid loud feelings would have to quiet down until they disappeared. And it was working, for the time being. Winnie had been so close to blurting out that the only person she’d ever really wanted was him, but instead, she chewed on her bottom lip before saying, “I don’t know, I guess it was just nice to feel like someone wanted me for a change. Like, really wanted me, and not like I was just invisible next to stupid blonde girls or… whoever.” Winnie turned her head towards the ceiling, unable to believe what she’d just said out loud. How much more obvious could she get? It was hard to keep her gaze away from him for long, though, especially when she could feel him getting closer. If this whole thing was so stupid, if coming here was a mistake… then why was he getting closer instead of just pushing her out the window and telling her to get away? “I don’t get it! I definitely don’t get it, or else I wouldn’t be asking, Adam,” she told him bringing her hands up to rub her eyes. She felt tired — tired of hiding it, tired of pretending her feelings weren’t there, tired of herself reading into things that didn’t mean anything. How could she make it stop? Winnie just wanted to make it stop, wanted to find a way to make this stop coming back everytime she thought it was gone, find a way to make Adam stop giving her false hope he didn’t even know he was giving her. “I’m not even mad at you, I’m mad at me. I’m mad that I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks in this stupid town but you, I’m mad that you only care when it’s convenient and that I always keep coming back to caring what you think anyway, I’m mad that… that I can’t make this go away when there isn’t even a this at all.” Winnie’s words came out rushed, frantic, not even making any sense. So much for the diplomacy and holding her tongue that her mother preached; she couldn’t even manage to form a logical statement of her feelings for her best friend, for the stupid boy that she was in stupid love with even after all this time. 

“And it sucks, you know? Because when you say you wish it had ended differently, you mean you wish you’d never brought me, or that you’d never seen anything, and if I said it, I’d just wish that I’d been with you instead.” For all she’d thought she wanted to see his face again, to read his reaction and to figure out what it meant… Winnie turned on her heel instead, horrified that she’d gotten no answers out of him and had only answered questions he’d never even asked instead. “Forget it. I don’t even know why I came here, just… forget all of it,” she said with her back turned towards him, willing her feet to move, wishing that she’d just leave instead of staying rooted to the spot like she still expected some kind of response that could be anything but awful for her.

Adam looked down and shrugged. “If you say so,” he murmured, not totally convinced. After all, if Winnie had wanted to take someone to bone town, it explained why she seemed so exasperated at Adam’s constant presence, and to find her with someone like L’ogan was highly suspect. Even so, Adam was almost immediately convinced that Winnie spoke the truth by the way her voice sounded when she started up again. His eyes came back up to meet hers and maybe it was the way she looked or the way she spoke or the fact that she brought up feeling invisible next to stupid blonde girls, but Adam felt his throat go dry. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? No. It was impossible. There had to be another explanation. Adam’s forehead furrowed as his brain kicked into overdrive, trying to come up with another guy, any other guy, or a girl even, with a rumored proclivity towards blondes. He couldn’t. It all pointed to him, and even as he tried to stop himself from producing evidence, clips and snippets of their friendship flashed before his eyes: how betrayed Winnie had been when he’d left and how she’d forgiven him anyway, the animosity she’d had towards Charlie, her distrust of STI, the way she always had an eggroll or two if he needed them. It felt conceited and wrong and stupid  to think that Winnie thought about him in any way other than her bonehead friend who she had to protect from himself, but as she kept talking, he couldn’t stop thinking what if, what if, what if like a mantra. He couldn’t even tell how the possible idea made him feel, if it filled him with apprehension or glee, but when she started calling him out, the barbs hit him like sharp swords to the gut and it gave him an idea. Adam didn’t know what he wanted, but he knew what he didn’t want, and he didn’t want to be the guy who made Winnie feel used. He didn’t want to be the guy who she had to keep fighting for when she should know she already had him. He didn’t want to be the guy who negated that a ‘this’ of some sort existed, or the guy who hadn’t even realized ‘this’ existed until he was scared that it was vanishing. Most of all, when she said that she wished it’d been him instead, Adam knew from the way his heart sped up that he didn’t want to be the guy who’d never brought Winnie to the party, or the guy who’d seen her get down and dirty. He’d wanted to be the guy with her. As quickly as the relief and impact of figuring something out came, so too came the panic when Winnie turned away. Adam knew he needed to think of the right thing, something smart and succinct that would sum up all the questions and answers he suddenly had in the face of his epiphanies, but words were failing him. Besides, no matter how often he’d told WInnie that she mattered the most to himt, she never seemed to believe him. With Winnie, actions spoke louder than words, and there was suddenly an action that Adam couldn’t keep himself from doing. So, with all the desperation of someone with a million things to say and only one chance to say it, he reached out and spun her back around in one swift motion, offering one loaded and hungry look into her eyes before grabbing hold of either side of her face and pressing his lips against hers.

Winnie didn't know how long she stood there, frozen in place, willing herself to leave. It could have been seconds or minutes or maybe even hours, although if that were the case the sun probably would have crept into the room by now and mercifully gotten rid of all the shadows that she'd just cast over them. Had she really said that? Why had she said that? Winnie knew she wasn't Adam's type, had told herself a thousand times that he'd never see her that way -- and they'd had a good thing going. A great friendship, one that was blissfully uncomplicated for him at least, and one that should have been able to withstand anything, even some stupid feelings. But could it really? Winnie had never meant to have to find out, and her breath hitched as Adam spun her around and grabbed hold of either side of her face. What was about to happen? Winnie's eyes flicked down to his lips for a stupidly hopeful second, then back up to his eyes, feeling a little bit afraid. Did he want her to be looking him right in the face when he told her she was right, and that her anger was wrong and her feelings were wrong and everything she was doing tonight was just wrong, wrong, wrong ? Winnie barely even had time to breathe, though, before Adam shattered all her expectations in the best way possible. His lips weren't as gentle as she'd always imagined they'd be -- they were hungrier, more forceful, like they were searching for something. And maybe they were; Winnie had dumped so much on him, and had expected disgust, or even betrayal that she'd hidden how she really felt for so long. Instead, though, he was kissing her in a way that made her knees feel weak, and that seared her lips and erased any memories of kisses that had come before this one, even kisses that were from earlier tonight. And maybe it didn't make sense; maybe it was sudden, and unexpected, and maybe Adam didn't even mean it... But God , Winnie had waited for a moment like this for so long, and despite her better judgment, Winnie didn’t want to let the moment go. Tonight had just been one mistake after another, but if this was the last mistake she ever made with Adam before he cut her out of his life completely or ran away to soccer camp to ignore his problems again? Then at least it was a mistake that lit her entire body on fire, and made her heart roar in her chest, and left her desperately trying to tangle her hands in his hair and pull him flush against her body as she kissed him back with all the force of four years of pent-up feelings. At least it was a mistake that, regardless of whether he picked her up and carried her to his bed or pushed her away or did none of the above, she’d probably treasure forever.

Adam knew that Winnie’s brain and feelings were a mystery to him sometimes, but for the very first time he thought he knew exactly what was going on. A cocktail of fear and confusion and hope that must have mirrored his look until a few minutes ago reverberated from her like a crowd jeering in a stadium but as their lips made contact, it was like everything took a breath. The boos turned to roaring cheers in the packed arena that was his mind and if she felt half of what he did, Adam would know he’d succeeded in kissing the bad away. And then her hands were in his hair and he let out a sigh against her lips and he knew that he was doing this right. There wasn’t a lot of time to think about it, though, because the way she kissed back left little room for thought. It left little room for anything, really, aside from wanting more. One of Adam’s hand ventured down Winnie’s body hungrily, experimentally. His fingers grasped down her smooth arm and onto the curve of her hip which he could feel through the thin fabric of her tank top that suddenly felt like too much clothing. It was enough to coax his other hand down, and he gripped her hips tightly against his making the muscles in his stomach tighten. His hands roamed around her curves, her waist, her back, unable to stop himself from marveling at the fact that he’d seen Winnie a million times before in a million different lights, but never like this. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Winnie was hot. He wasn’t blind. But still, he’d never pictured Winnie like this before, mainly because he thought he wasn’t allowed. Now that she was giving him permission, though, he wasn’t going to let it pass him by. His hands dipped down over her shorts, simultaneously squeezing her ass and drawing her closer to his ever hardening member. If he’d had known the evening would lead here, he would’ve stopped and asked himself if this was really a good idea - he’d decided he was against sex without feelings, after all, and Winnie was his friend, his noncomplicated friend who deserved the respect that a conversation about their emotions and wants and needs would warrant - but in the moment, he couldn’t force himself to stay on any of those thoughts for too long. He was too busy lifting Winnie up against him so that he could turn and take the few steps necessary before lifting them both down onto his bed, kissing her hard and pressing her body down onto the mattress with his own.

It was official, Winnie had to be dreaming. She’d pictured telling Adam how she felt about him for ages; she’d never been scared of anything else, after all, and she hadn’t seen any reason to be scared of a dumb thing like feelings. But the first time she’d tried, he’d told her he was going out with Charlie La Bouff. The next time she’d decided she should? He’d been gone , vanished without a trace, and it seemed the longer she waited, the more she’d have to lose. Every time she’d pictured it now, it was just rejection after rejection after rejection. It was never this, it was never Winnie gasping as she felt him harden against her or losing her breath from the way he kissed her, and it definitely had never been the weight of him on top of her on his bed, circling her in some kind of protective sphere where the world didn’t exist, where it was just him and her, and her and him, and all the worries and the anger and the stress of her secret could fade away. And her dreams definitely, definitely hadn’t been her hands roaming over his taut abs with a whine about how fucking hot he was. Or Winnie pulling out of his grasp only long enough to tug her own tank top over her head and let her bare skin press against his, and to give his hands somewhere new to roam. It hadn’t been her hands moving from his abs down dangerously lower, not even bothering to tease through clothes before they were underneath his waistband and wrapping around him, moaning into his mouth as his hands followed her lead and pulled her tiny pajama shorts out of the way. And it certainly hadn’t been exploring more and more body parts until it seemed like neither of them could stand it any longe, because hands just weren’t enough and they needed more. And imagination Winnie? She’d never dared to dream that Adam would be urgently reaching into his top drawer and rolling on a condom because he couldn’t get enough of her , yet Winnie was seeing it with her own eyes. It felt like it was happening much too fast and not fast enough, all at the same time, and she waited impatiently, wanting to feel him, tugging him back towards her the second it was on. So maybe Winnie wasn’t dreaming after all. Because she’d never let herself dream this far, dream this big, imagine this happening between them. And the fact that she hadn’t let herself think this would ever happen? It only made her cry out in pleasure when it really did and suddenly Adam was inside of her. Winnie’s legs wrapped around his waist, wanting desperately let him in further, to let him feel everything and to let him have all of her. And maybe, in that deep, dark, pessimistic corner of her mind... maybe in part she wrapped her legs around him so tightly in fear, wanting so badly to keep him there even though all of this was starting to seem too good to be true.

Every noise Winnie was making shot straight down Adam s body, egging him on like she always had. She’d always challenged him, encouraged him, supported him, meant the world to him - he’d spend the rest of his night wondering how he’d never seen it before, but for now it was the best thing in the world to soak each other in. He let out almost a choked gasp as he felt her hands find new places on his body, and before he knew it, he and Winnie were closer than they’d ever been. Nothing was between them, not secrets, not other girls, not clothes - nothing. And it was amazing. Or at least it was at first. Sinking in and out of her was a mind-blowing feeling. He’d had sex before, but never with someone who kept him this close, and the noises, damn , the noises - he’d never imagined something like that coming out of Winnie before, especially not because of him, and it kept him going strong. He kissed any part of her body that he could reach, his kisses softer now that his lower half was doing most of the work. He focused on her neck for a while, sucking experimentally near her collar bone, hoping to elicit some more of those noises that she’d never made before. Well, maybe not never . And that thought marked the beginning of the end as it dawned on Adam, with sudden clarity, that Winnie may have very well been making those exact noises earlier. Merely hours ago! It wasn’t that long ago at all, really, that he’d seen her being screwed by L’ogan, his body exactly where Adam’s had been… Adam gasped as he suddenly went limp. This could not be happening. It was way too embarrassing and way too inconvenient to be real, and yet it was, and he was thankful that Winnie’s leg’s hold on him had loosened because he had no choice but to roll off of her. He covered his face with his hands in shame, his body still buzzing with adrenaline and energy that had now been dubbed unusable by his penis the traitor. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled through his hands. He risked a peek at Winnie through his fingers before shakily putting his hands down and deciding to just be honest. “I’m sorry, I just started thinking about you and L’ogan and it just - “ he cut himself off, shrugging uselessly. Adam licked his lips, wanting to offer to go down on her and finish it off, but the thought of his tongue where L’ogan’s penis had been mere moments ago was too much and, frankly, made him feel kind of sick. He had to offer something though, say something , or risk losing possibly the best thing that had happened to him before it really started, but he was in a panic and coming up blank.

Winnie should have known it was too good to be true. Her brain had spent too long being too sure that Adam would never want her, and maybe for a few brief moments he’d lost his mind and gotten caught up in the wave of her emotions... but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t mean to be real, and the second he was off of her and burying his head with his hands, any thought Winnie had had of telling him her feelings making things better went out the window. She didn’t know what he was about to say, what excuse or apology she was about to hear, but her blood was already running cold as she clutched at Adam’s comforter and wrapped it around he exposed body. Whatever he had to say hardly mattered; Winnie had made things worse , there was no way around it. Truthfully, she’s been expecting him to say that it was about her. That he just liked feeling wanted, but that he didn’t want her to want him. Stupid, nagging insecurities that she didn’t usually feel in any other situation always came rushing up when she was with Adam, and Winnie hated it. She hated that he could make her feel so good one moment — make her feel more than anyone else in the whole world — and the next she was lower than low, all by his design. Whether he knew it or not, he had this hold over her, and Winnie hugged her arms around her chest as he started talking, bracing herself for words that would only seal their demise. She should have just gone home. She should have just left and salvaged their friendship. Instead, for the second time that night, she’d started something that she couldn’t even finish, and her body felt numb as Adam called attention to that very fact. “L’ogan doesn’t matter!” Winnie insisted instantly. “I don’t care about L’ogan, I care about _you_.” She chewed on the inside of her cheek, wondering how she’d have felt if he’d been hooking up with Izzie or something earlier in the night. She didn’t think it would have changed anything, though; God, she’d wanted nothing but Adam for so long that he could have been with a dozen girls in the last hour and she wouldn’t have cared as long as she finally got to be with him. It was pathetic, wasn’t it? She hated feeling pathetic, but her unwanted feelings were starting to make her desperate. And worse, their bodies had played tricks on her, let her think... Winnie closed her eyes, and she could still feel Adam all around her. It had been so much more than she’d ever dreamed it could be, and to him it just... wasn’t enough. To him some stupid pride thing about L’ogan getting to her first was more important than how right everything had felt for Winnie when they’d been together like that. But their bodies lied, because now Adam’s spoke a whole different story, one of disgust and repulsion and just... all the things Winnie had expected. “Just forget it,” she spat bitterly, afraid of saying more and getting mad again. What was even the point of fighting for something he didn’t want after all? “Can you... turn the other direction or something while I find my clothes?”

Adam was having trouble breathing, as if the situation wasn't embarrassing enough - it wasn't that he was out of breath from the sex, it was something else, something worse. Was he really having a panic attack right now? It wasn't something that happened often, maybe only twice in his life before, but he could feel himself ruining everything and had no idea how to stop it. What was there even left to say? That his brain had conjured up the worst image possible to ruin the mood? He couldn't even explain why, not without sounding like a complete and total moron who was scared of something so important. This felt important to him, at least, and it only raised the urgency when Winnie said what she said. She cared about him . She cared, and he ruined their first night together by being what, jealous? Fearful? Awkward? Now she was mad at him all over again and this time he knew exactly why. The ground was slipping out from beneath him as she asked him to turn away. He almost felt like if he turned away from Winnie right now, it would be turning away from any possibilities with her in the future, and he didn't want to do that. He couldn't do that. He'd never considered Winnie as a possibility because she was too good for him in every sense of the word, but now that she was here, he could hardly imagine anyone else. "Winnie, stop!" He bit his lip, sitting up a little to look at her. "I mean, uh, if you want to get your clothes, you can, but I don't.... want you to leave," he managed, looking up at the ceiling as if to give her the privacy she requested in order to find her outfit. "I didn't stop because I wanted you to leave. I don't care about L'ogan either. I care about you , which is why I wanted to be thinking about you and not what I saw earlier and..." Adam trailed off, not sure he knew how to proceed. "I just mean that this feels important. And my mind likes to run from important and it ran too far and I'm sorry, but I don't want to leave this . Whatever this is. Does that... am I making any sense?" he asked, keeping his eyes trained to the roof respectfully.

Winnie wished she had it in her to believe Adam. She really, really did, but she knew how much her friend hated conflict, and that’s what this felt like: a conflict, and a pretty big one to boot. She didn’t know how to not be mad, and she didn’t even know if it was really at him, or at herself for getting her hopes up. “It’s probably not important,” Winnie muttered bitterly as she scooped her shirt up off the floor and pulled it back over her head, her back squared away from Adam.

The words didn’t feel true even as she said them — it was so important, it was the most important thing to her. He was the most important thing to her, and he had been for longer than she cared to remember. But what was this for him? Would he forget the whole thing tomorrow? Would he wake up and think she was a mistake? Winnie knew she couldn’t stay. She couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes change again, couldn’t handle it if she felt the shift in the air as he decided that something more than friendship between them was wrong. She prided herself on being tough, but that might kill her. And so she stood, hearing his mattress shift without her weight on it any longer, and pulled her shorts back on too, shimmying uncomfortably as she tried to deal with the longing ache still between her legs. She wished she could turn back around, could go right back to how they’d been — to feeling blissfully complete and happy.

But life didn’t work like that, and Winnie’s body was just going to have to catch up with the rest of her and deal with it.

“Maybe some other time,” she whispered, a little more sadly than she’d meant to. “But I don’t want to be here while you get over yourself and figure out what you actually want. I just... I can’t,” Winnie said, folding her arms over her chest protectively again, too afraid to look at him and meet his eyes. Staying here would be for his benefit, not for hers, and God, she always was willing to drop things and do what made him happy. But not this time. This time, she needed to leave and take care of herself. She padded quietly towards the window, ignoring the urge to reach out and touch him, to tell him it would be okay. Because she didn’t know. She couldn’t know. Instead, she tugged his window open again and whispered so low she hoped he couldn’t even hear it, “I love you, you stupid idiot,” before she hopped over the ledge and back out into the warm summer night.

[jenlmanfre]

R-R-Retail Therapy - Part 2: Morning Edition

A silver lining (or fleck) from the past year of everyone-at-home-all-the-time has been a better morning routine. By better, I mean more time because I don’t have to do school drop-off or commute to work. I know that many folks have used this time to get a better sleep practice, but I’m an early riser, with or without the commute - so I just literally have more time to do stuff. So my morning routine is now a bit more comfortable and relaxed. Or I just pack more stuff in. Depends on the mood.

So here are some morning products for review:

Washable Face Pads

Performance: ⭐⭐⭐

Ease:⭐⭐⭐

Impact: ⭐⭐⭐

Fun Factor: ⭐

Here’s another “just do it already” product. They work great for makeup removal and washing - close your eyes and you're getting a facial at the spa. I don’t use them for toner because YOU CAN JUST USE YOUR HANDS!!! I just learned this. I’m slow. The washable face pads are easy to wash. They came in a little mesh bag, but I just throw them in with the whites and apparently the socks are not recruiting for their escape plans these days. Again - just do it. Cotton balls and wipes are just not needed. There’s the obvious waste, packaging and transport issues - but also some horrific pesticide and we should be more aware of where the cotton comes from and what the labor conditions are. As for fun… they are cute when you get them and look great as part of an IG-worth self care gift for your bestie, but they are mostly a utility item. Just get some and ditch the cotton balls/pads now.

Xero Shoes

Performance: ⭐⭐⭐

Ease:⭐⭐

Impact: ⭐

Fun Factor: ⭐

My morning walk is a must. I try to put in at least four miles every morning. That is a time commitment. Everyday I wish that I could run those miles instead to get some time back, but every time I try, my body reminds me that the scar tissue and weird alignment that compensated for the fact that I ran on a severed ACL for years came at a price. So, I log miles and I need decent shoes. Don’t call them clown shoes, okay? Yes, they look a bit funny because you are used to seeing a more tapered look at the toe. But guess what? My toes can MOVE! I went to Xero Shoes after hearing an interview with Dr. Irene Davis on The Drive with Peter Attia and their discussion on minimalist shoes. I had been a staunch believer in lots of support in my exercise shoes (we are not discussing my heels - don’t start), but became curious after listening and did some research. I decided to try Zeros because of the combination of physiology research and what the founders call Environmentally Intelligent. I’m happy with the performance. They are holding up perfectly after six months and after about three weeks, my feet adjusted and non-scientifically I have fewer aches in my right foot. The knee is still an issue. Easy peasy - good customer service and a nice online shopping experience. Takes a bit to get used to because of the physiology as noted above.

Two major issues on impact: 1. performance shoes use resources that are energy intense and not very earth-friendly. Xero’s claims of Environmental Intelligence are keyed to this because they are aware that the products are what they are. They point out that there is definitely less of these materials used because there’s no midsole and the soles are guaranteed for 5,000 miles (which is about 10x longer than what I used to do in my Nikes). So there’s a Reduce prospect there. Also, as pointed out in the FAQ, although kinda buried in a list of product questions and NOT included in their EI discussion, the shoes are manufactured in China. Obviously some concerns there but also noted by the company - that is the current state of the manufacturing chain. I had to verify, but even TOMS shoes are made in China.

Fun is a very personal thing when it comes to shoes. My shoe fun usually involves Michael Kors. Xeros aren’t your typical sport shoe and if you are trying to get some luv for your ‘fit, this probably isn’t the shoe for you. Apparently they are better known in the serious hiking crowd (they do make hiking shoes) because I’ve gotten queries from random strangers about where I usually summit or if I’ve heard anything about PCT maintenance issues during COVID. Me: blank stare.

NOT Nespresso Re-useable Capsule

Performance: -⭐(note the negative sign)

Ease:⭐⭐

Impact: - ⭐ (again with the negative sign)

Fun Factor: NONE

Ugh. Saved the worst for last on this post because it is soooooo painful and unresolved. Yes, I love coffee. Specifically, I love my Nespresso VertuoPlus coffee. I hate using a single-use capsule even though I send them back to Nespresso and they apparently recycle them into not-so-great veggie peelers. I have one - it’s pretty rough looking. I really want my Nespresso to be a more sustainable activity. Yes, there are lots of options for coffee making and I do use them. I have a French press, I have a Moka pot (actually I have three). Please, please, please Nespresso and Nestle - fix this so that I can enjoy my favorite coffee-making experience again. But they don’t have one. My daughter got me one for Christmas from Recafimil and I am here to say - don’t do it. These are the kinds of products that turn people off from sustainable choices. Granted, after reading the reviews and posts on caffeine-addicts Reddits, it’s obvious most people purchase these capsules to save money first (less waste coming in a distant second). I’ll need to address the conflict of saving money vs. saving everything else in another post later. Regardless, this is not a comparable performance - coffee was WEAK. I tried all of the suggestions - loose pack, tight pack, multiple sizes of grind… nothing worked. Still dishwater in a cup. The last time I tried it, the machine started making a really weird sound while trying to spin the capsule and I had to unplug the machine. I gave up and now I have a crappy stainless steel capsule that I can’t even give to Goodwill. Also, I cannot prove that it was related, but about a month later my machine started leaking and luckily Nespresso repaired it even though it was out of warranty. So discouraging.