#i keep rewatching these interviews and he just keeps getting more adorable

[alluks-olee]

I’m exciting

Yes… yes you are

[somereaderinblue]

Random Ultraman Rising Moments I Loved

Decided to rewatch Ultraman Rising & I enjoyed it just as much as I did the first time. Thus, I've decided to compile a list of random moments that made me love the movie & its characters even more.

WARNING: SPOILERS UP AHEAD

(P.S. sorry for the lackluster screenshots ;p)

Ken's Intro

This one simple line already shows the audience Ken's empathy. Despite resenting his Ultraman responsibilities, he doesn't hate kaiju.

Ken's Childhood

This frame is full of adorable details. There's the obvious ones, like Ken wearing Ultraman & baseball merch, showing us that even before his relationship with his dad went sour, he already had a loyal love for the sport. We also see toy cars, a mecha & the BINGO bunny, all of which would be present in his base.

The Interview Intro

We see Ken getting the celebrity treatment & him wearing the celebrity mask. However, even the mask isn't malicious. He addresses the reporter by his name instead of the news station he's representing. When Ami tries to ask more personal questions unrelated to his baseball career, he doesn't get huffy or defensive at her. Instead, he reminds the crowd to remain civil & it isn't until she explicitly asks about his mom that he leaves.

People shouldn't expect rewards for basic decency, but I'm not against acknowledging acts of kindness & respect you don't often see in an environment as cutthroat as a celebrity interview.

Ken's 'Giants'

Imo, there's 2 ways for the term 'Giants' to be interpreted here.

(1) Ken is referring to Ultraman, & by extension his dad. One's a literal giant while the other is metaphorical, esp for kids.

(2) He's referring to the possibility of making friends. As he mentioned to Ami, he knows firsthand how 'kids will always talk', implying that he's been bullied & ostracized as a child, possibly due to his Japanese heritage or some other reason that's nonetheless soured Ken's perception of friendship.

Ken & Ami's 1-on-1s

Ngl, when I saw the trailers, I braced myself for the possibility that Ami would serve as Ken's possible love interest. However, that's not the case, which I'm grateful for. Still, that doesn't take away how interesting Ami is as a character.

Their first interview is set up beautifully. They're sitting face-to-face but there's a table between them. And then there's the way they present themselves.

Ken is dressed casually, practically oozing 'cocky young celebrity without a care in the world'. He's wearing sunglasses indoors, that also cover his eyes. It's a classic character design trope meant to make someone look stern, intimidating, stoic, reserved, closed-off from everyone.

Ami on the other hand is dressed professionally, as she takes her job seriously. But her glasses are transparent & not aesthetical. She has to be fair & objective, yes, but she also values honesty, transparency & empathy. Its these traits that make her a reliable person for Ken to turn to when he was struggling with parenting Emi.

Interview #2. They're sitting next to each other instead of opposite, but there's still a table between them. Still, this time Ken isn't wearing sunglasses & he's more put-together whereas Ami is dressed more casually. Ken has opened up to her & he wants to keep trying; she in turn meets him in the middle.

This culminates into the final interview. Unlike the previous times, it's clearly one that's broadcasted to the public. Despite this, Ken again, isn't wearing sunglasses or putting on an attitude. There's no table between them because this is the climax of Ken's character development: he's learned that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to show others that you're being vulnerable.

Ken's Comfort

When Ken's reminded of his inadequacy as Ultraman, he turns to the one thing that makes him happy: baseball. But he doesn't ask Mina to pull up videos of the crowd cheering or him winning; instead, he watches recordings of his mom, of the happy memories he shared with her. Yes, Ken has an ego. But underneath it all, he genuinely loves baseball because that sport is deeply tied to the love he has for his mom.

Not Gossip Hour

.....am I the only one who couldn't help but cheer Ami on when she called this guy out?

Prof. Sato's Cheer

Nobody, esp parents, should force their children to become someone they don't want to be. It's even more heartbreaking when both parties have little choice in the matter because of how necessary the duty is. Parents are flawed people, but I wouldn't call Prof. Sato a bad one.

Yes, he wants Ken to do better as Ultraman too. But he knows how much his son loves baseball & does support his achievements in them.

Mother's Corpse

Sometimes, a brief glance can convey a thousand words. In this brief glance, Ken doesn't see a defeated kaiju, he sees the corpse of a mother & he'll be damned if he lets the KDF add a baby's corpse to accompany her.

Mina is Awesome

A good plot is always appreciated but good characters are always loved & Mina isn't an exception. Let's hear it for the orb robots that always act as a voice of reason!!

But srsly, I love Mina. I love her wit, how her voice has that robotic yet motherly lilt, how she cares for Ken's wellbeing but isn't afraid to put her foot down to push him in the right direction.

In her final moments, she doesn't say 'you must/have to save her', she knows she doesn't have to. Instead, she tells him 'you can save her'. Sometimes, people are so focused on making sure others know what they have to do that they neglect to let them know that they believe they can accomplish it.

Onda's Humanity

Which brings me to another character I loved: the antagonist himself. Loved how they made him nuanced & sympathetic. Yes, he's ruthless, pragmatic & the 'end justifies the means' sort of person. However, unlike most military bad guy leaders, he cares for those under his command.

His screentime with Captain Aoshima is brief, but I enjoyed all of it. He doesn't berate Aoshima when he fails to capture Emi, nor does he lash out at him when he wavers in their mission. Instead, he encourages & empathizes with him.

Lots of fans speculate that Aoshima will have a more major role in a future sequel & I rlly hope that when the time comes, he'll be just as complex & engaging to watch as his predecessor had been.

"I Don't Know What To Do"

Kids are usually the target audience for Ultraman, but you cannot tell me this moment didn't hit home for parents. That moment where your child gets hurt because you looked away for a second; the first time your child falls ill & you wonder if a common cold will kill them before old age.

Whether you're a parent, older sibling or someone working in medical/childcare, having to say those 6 words will be the most devastating moment of your life. I'm certain that for Ken, it was nothing less.

Final Boss

Let it not be said that Ken doesn't know his final battle clichés.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 1.4

Oh, John. It's hard because I'm like “fame was not good for that man” but I'm also like “he would've gone crazy with self-loathing if he didn't have the fame.”

John and Paul start to answer a question at the same time. John: no, go on, you can say it. They're seriously so married. 

John's schoolboy flirting is cute, but what's more noteworthy to me is a) how happy Paul is to be shoved and b) how he instantly leans back into John. It's like they're bungeed together or something. 

John gets me. Look how much he loves Paul bringing out the forced confidence shield to protect him. He's so in love. So turned on. 

Here's my question about the death threats. Did the other Beatles actually receive them and tell Brian about them and keep them from John? Because that would be incredibly sweet and noble of them, but also, in that case, surely John received death threats too. Meaning he just didn't care about his own life and assumed the others were being left out of it because they hadn't actually said they were bigger than Jesus. Or did they have people filtering all their mail by that point? And Brian had been keeping the death threats from all of them? Because that could be interpreted as both protective and selfish of him. Does anyone know?

Again. I just love how Paul goes to bat for John over and over during this tour. Batting his eyes and playing with his hair and shouting down any and all criticism of John speaking his mind.

This moment is so telling to me. An interviewer who was up front at several concerts points out the looks and smiles between John and Paul which you can only see from the front and asks, “is it really that much fun every time?” The easy answer is, “Yeah. We like what we do. It's fun!” But Paul gets cagey. “Oh well the thing is you know with things like that it's probably…” and he makes up a bullshit story about messing up on a song they haven't performed in a year. Why do that if you don't have something to hide? (Even if you're subconsciously hiding) That right there is a tip-off for me that they're not normal about each other. 

Interviewer: are you guys breaking up? John, immediately and emphatically: No. Paul: "Depends what you mean by breaking up, you know . . . Because we can't go on forever like this, so we've got to think now and prepare for, you know, if it did happen. The time has come for us to break up, but we've realized the possibility . . . Of breaking up as a natural progression." Literally shut the fuck up right now, you're going to give John an aneurysm.

I understand. I know. I don't relate to Paul much but I do relate to his hyperactivity and his avoidant attachment. I make sure constantly that I'll be okay when all my relationships end. But you don't talk about that in front of the other person. Especially someone like John whose worst fear is being left. Come on. Think. 

See, now look what you did, Paul. Here's John's answer the next time they're asked about breaking up. 

And yeah, the klan being the ones to “stand up against the Beatles blasphemy” really proves my point from the last post I think. It's just masked racism. 

It actually seems like Paul's more vocally political at this point in time than John is. I wonder what happened to change that? Was it just the influence of their respective wives? Was it just easier for them to play up the roles they'd been assigned for the most part?

Okay on this round of “are you breaking up” they look at each other first before they answer and then Paul goes “all together probably.” I wonder if they talked about their previous answers together and admitted – however cautiously or however veiled – that hearing the other say they might leave hadn't been fun. Who knows, honestly.  

Paul and John often talk about making a radio show together apparently. Gosh if only they could've done that now. I'd make them my token white boy podcast. It'd be great. They'd be so lame and so adorable and they'd talk about recipes and politics and they'd gossip and rank other people's music. But anyway, what really gets me is the often bit. So they really did plan their post-beatle future together. Enough that it was a frequent topic of discussion between them. They planned to be together forever. 

Ugh it always guts me that Paul brought a girlfriend to Paris with him to meet up with John.

Okay my tin hat is glued to my head for this but. But. Hear me out alright? So John starts filming on 09/19/66. He's there for 6 &½ weeks. Putting the end at the beginning of November, right when Paul goes in disguise and alone to Paris. Do we have tabs on John for those dates? John just talked about going around Paris in disguise. What if  they met up by themselves and in secret? What then?

 No fucking wonder John was exhausted with him. Damn. He takes a month and a half to write strawberry fields, shows it to Paul, then...

Interviewer: the songwriting team will keep going whatever happens will it? John: yeah, we'll probably carry on writing music Forever. It's just so ‘Obviously. Might as well ask me if the sun's going to come up tomorrow.’

His friend – try dangerous drugs with and take home to daddy type “friend” – just died brutally and suddenly two days ago, and this is what he looks like and talks like and he's going in to work like it's nothing. I just. Compare that to John talking about Brian's death? Obviously two very different relationships but still… Paul's upbringing really fucked him up so hard. He thinks he's not allowed to be human. What can I say? It's a drag.

AKA the happiest 6 months of John and Paul's lives. 

I find it fascinating that Paul alone is asked to compose and record what would eventually become the carnival of light and that he just went ahead and included everyone in that. Really makes me wonder if he got a vibe off John that him doing the family way alone was hurtful or if they maybe even talked about it? Or maybe he just didn't like doing the family way without John.

Actually quite a lovely, forward-thinking, humble speech. Imagine being John, though. Watching that from home like “why the fuck is he philosophizing to the world without me?” Because you know John shares all those sentiments and might even have got there first. It would be infuriating.

“A lucky man who made the grade” is an interesting way to describe Tara and I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with Tara being cool enough for Paul to associate with him. And Paul is many things but stupid is not one of them. He's going to at the very least wonder if this verse is about John laughing at his friend's death. Right? Like I know Paul's the repression CEO but seriously I don't think even he is that good. 

Maybe that Leopold and Leob quote isn't just about tearing people down verbally. Maybe Wooler genuinely got a vibe of a sense of superiority and therefore lack of empathy with Lennon/McCartney.

I mean he really does sound like he's describing sex though, doesn't he? Emotional, loving, romantic sex. Followed immediately by Paul's “I'd love to turn you on” lyrics and the “down with pants” and “sword swallower” pins. Alrighty then. 

What I would call my Beatles bio after watching this. "They Touched Dicks: The Only Logical Conclusion."

[scrumptiousstuffs]

Hii~ I'll say firstly I'm keeping things strictly speculative and I'm NOT diagnosing anyone since I'm not a doctor.

I've noticed this for so long and just wanted to out this in the world asgdjdjfkf but khaotung gives me MAJOR adult with undiagnosed adhd vibes. The messy car (bottles in the front seat?!), always messy room, extremely creative hobbies and passions (song writing/ composing/singing/ acting), impulsive purchases !!!, frequently getting lost even with maps, engineering major but cant math, has a hard time rmring past events even though he's in the same location (timeblindness). I have ADHD too and I can see such a striking resemblance in me and him it’s crazy. (Ofc everybody presents with stuff like this but when it's excessive that's when you know)

I've watched and rewatched interviews and content enough to see how he tends to be a little spacey and needs to ask things twice to make sense. (People with ADHD struggle usually with too many thoughts, attention going everywhere instead of just the task at hand) And oh when I saw that gifset where he's like he asks first's help to organise his tasks for him my heart just died cz yes!!! (That's troubles with sequencing and work ordering that we folks struggle with and there's his bestie just calmly helping him out oh it made me heart hurt sm but anyway-)

He's my little aloof baby girl with 26739 facial expressions cz he cannot for the life of him calm tf down. He's so reactive and expressive and in the moment, yet he falls over his words (not all the time, yes, but A LOT). My boy is doing his fckin best and has grown so so much and I adore him for that.

His sleep habits??? Classic adhd. Can't fall asleep cz his brain wouldn't stfu. (He said that himself in one radio interview)

His shopping addiction is just him boosting his dopamine every chance he gets. And I get him. So much.

Somewhere he also talked about how he got burnt out and couldn't get out of bed and I just. I just wanted to hug this boy bcz- oh. Oh it all makes sense. (ADHD folks are notorious for burning out cz they already run on little to no fuel. They have to work extra hard for things others do without effort and that gets so goddamn hard)

Manager can’t reach him. Hyper aware of his surroundings (hence attuned and caring to everyone around him). He frequently gets distracted by fans screaming while he's talking (cz of the external stimulus) - and first has spoken on his behalf to not misunderstand him 🥹 (Again bcz ADHD makes your attention go everywhere and you can't regulate that shit)

But why am I even going on about this? There's plenty of people out there who don't have/require a diagnosis bcz they're doing just fine.

YES. YES.

This makes me all the more emotional bcz yes, people, community, friends, family when all of them pick up on your lost pieces life just gets so much bearable.

First is that person for Khaotung 100%.

He literally called First his second manager, he asks First to organise his work for him, answer for him. He looks for him everywhere because he needs him like genuinely, genuinely needs him to be there. (Like that one time he won't let him go off stage bcz he was taking pictures and didn’t want to be alone aahdhajsk)

Like we call First as the one who clings to Khaotung, let's be honest the whole company says it. But when I see Khaotung with First it's like he turns towards him like he's the sun. Pre-FK, in interviews he used to be so shy and struggle at articulating things, but with First taking the reigns he got the space to become better at his own pace and that's what I love about them sm :(

Okay I'm done. I'm just saying he might (again, keyword MIGHT) have ADHD. It's a whole spectrum and having friends around who aren’t judgemental and willing to share the load for you makes life easier and bearable and First is that person for him which just makes me admire and love this pairing even more aaagsfhjdk :((((

So, finally, what do you think about this? Sorry if this is in any way unsettling you don't have to answer it I just wanted to get it out haha

Wow anon, this is certainly a long post😅. You must have thought about it hard.

I have no training to diagnose ADHD. However, I'm glad you identify with Khaotung and sees yourself in him.

That's why most of us love the boys, yeah? In some ways or another, they are relatable and we connect with them. (On top of their kind, sweet nature, amazing acting skills plus beautiful faces of course!!!🥰🥰🥰)

Either way, some of the habits you listed above can easily be considered annoying to a lot of people. Clearly, First just finds everything Khaotung does adorable (but can you blame him? 🥺🥺🥺…look at this pookie!)

They balance each other superbly well. Yin and Yang if you want to call it ☯️

So, I agree with you when you say First is the person for Khaotung (just as Khaotung is for First)

(Khaotung towards First during an interview) ☝️

And you are absolutely right when you say that it's very easy (from the outside) to see First appears to be the "clingier" of the 2, but I suspect privately, Khaotung is just as sticky (he is just not as open about it like First, and I'll be addressing this on a different ask I got).

There is a quote by Walt Whitman (American poet) - "Keep your face towards the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you."

And so, your statement of Khaotung looking at First like he is the sun, oh yes... he does it all the time!! (be it in official photoshoot, concerts or events)

[dickmedowndc]

Hero Crush, Pt. II - Virgil Hawkins x Reader

Word Count: 2,100

Summary: There’s always been a nagging feeling in the back of your mind whenever Static shows up on TV – but it’s never something that you can name. However, days after your admittance over your teenage crush on him (and maybe that you were still attracted as an adult), you finally have a run-in with the hero himself. When something you had said, in front of Virgil alone, slips out then the pieces begin to connect. 

Notes: Requested by @theautisticduck (Tumblr). 

Part I here

…★…

Relentless. 

If there was any word to describe Richie Foley, then you could use that. But more than a few others came to mind if someone was kind enough to expand your word limit. 

You adored him, truly, he was one of your best friends, and under any circumstance different than this you would never trade him for all the riches you could own. But currently, you’d trade him for half a stale corn chip and the rest of your tranquility. 

You had been caught rewatching Static’s most recent TV interview, that quick one after the fight that had made your heart flutter all these years later. Caught by Richie, who had a trickster's glint in his eyes as soon as he realized, dashing back out the door before you could utter a word of warning against him. 

Since that day he had been letting it slip, or coming close, at the most inopportune times. The teasing causing you to go red in the face and shove him away or scurry off as fast as you could, only to hide behind Virgil like his body could be a shield against words. For what mattered, Richie could never keep a straight face trying to say it in front of Virgil, so it did work. 

But there had been another reason you had been rewatching that video, and why sometimes you skimmed Static’s public appearances. There was a familiarity there, one that tickled the depths of your mind every time you saw him move a certain way, or the inflection of his voice. It was agonizing in a way, always on the tip of your tongue but never fully formed. You had, at one point, even considered running it by Virgil and Richie, but something had caused you to bite your tongue, keeping your thoughts to yourself, though the need to remain silent still confused you. 

“Hey, did you hear me?” 

You snap back, jolting slightly from the couch while you whirl to face Virgil who stands behind you, hands on either side of your head as he leans over the back of the couch. “Uh, sorry, Virg. I didn’t.” 

“I asked if you wanted some chips, but now I wanna know if you’re okay? Your head’s been in the clouds all day. I’m starting to get a little worried.” 

You hum, taking one of his hands in your own and giving it a quick squeeze. “I’m okay, really. Just a little caught up in myself today.” 

“Hey, if it’s been about Richie and this whole Static thing you know I can talk to him, right?” He questions you, walking around until he can plop down on the couch shoulder-to-shoulder. 

You don’t fluster so easily at the contact, but the look he fixes you with – how sincere he is to help you – has the little twitch of butterflies in your stomach. “It isn’t that. I know if it was that I could talk to him too. There’s just something that’s been on the tip of my tongue I’ve been trying to figure out, and I just can’t shake it, but I can’t figure out what it is either. Usually it goes away, but it just won’t leave me alone right now.” 

He leans over to you, pushing against your shoulder and sending you lazily swaying before you rest against him once more. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

You purse your lips, more focused on the wall than him for the moment, though you can feel the heat coming off him. “I don’t think so. You came over to hang out, and I’d rather just do that.” 

“Could do both,” he taps your arm when he sees you open your mouth to interrupt him, “but I’m happy either way.” 

You can only roll your eyes before getting to your feet. “Then let’s go.” 

“Where are we going?” he asks, one eyebrow raised as he takes your offered hand and allows you to pull him from the warm and absolute embrace of your broken-down couch. 

“Food - you get to pick the place, and I’ll pay.” 

“I can pay for my own, ya know.” 

“I do, but let me treat you this time. You always spoil me.” 

“Hey, I like spoiling you for your information. Makes me feel better when I see all those bruises on your legs.” he jokes, poking at your thigh while you pull away with an affronted grumble. “Where do you even get them?” 

“There are not that many!” You defend yourself, despite the voice crack, shooing his hand away, ignoring the face he makes, like a kicked puppy left out in the cold – he makes it every time you stop him from having a hand on or against you. “And they’re from falling... up the stairs.” 

“You mean down?” The mirth in his voice is unmistakable, and irking all the same, but in an endearing way. 

“No, I mean up.” 

“You sure you’re not a bang baby? That’s gotta be a power or something.” 

“No, but I might just be cursed.” You assure, reaching your pinky out to hook with his. “And you can’t tell Richie by the way. I doubt he needs any more blackmail on me.” You shudder at the thought, but it subsides a moment later when Virgil returns your pinky hold without so much as a nod. 

“Hey, I can hide plenty from him.” 

“Until he starts coming at you with something and next thing you know I’m thrown under the bus.” 

“Hey that was one time, and only after you sold me out to get some extra gossip on me.” 

“A trade is a trade, Hawkins.” 

He shakes his head, stepping further in front of you just so he can tug you along. “Come on, if we go any slower, I think my stomach is gonna start digesting itself.” 

It sets off the rest of a good day, one with plenty of jovial ribbing and snarky quips – a staple of your days out. Right along with the physical touch that neither of you ever seems to let up on when alone. 

But three days later and you’re missing your boys. Both of your friends had been kept busy, barely having the time to text. Not that it was a surprise, adult life hit hard, and you could go some time before seeing one another, but that never made it any less lonesome. 

It also didn’t help in trying to keep from getting sucked right back into the rabbit hole of why Static was so familiar. There was a similar itch with Gear at times, but you’d be a liar to say you were not focused on one of them more than the other. 

“Hey! Watch out!” 

You jerked up at the sound of a familiar voice, only to realize that in your lost thoughts you had almost walked into scaffolding scattered in front of a restaurant under renovation. 

“Thank you!” you call, turning to face the voice. You’re taken back when you have to look upwards, to where Static himself is floating on the “static saucer” as you had once heard it referred to. There's a twinge of disappointment that you recognize but push aside as the hero lowers himself to the ground and folds the disc away. 

“You okay? Almost got squished by all that equipment.” He motions behind you, where your back is now turned to the mess, clearly concerned. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry to be a bother – I wasn’t paying attention, just sort of on autopilot, you know? But thank you for stopping me.” 

“I’m glad that I was around, it might have been nasty otherwise.” 

You can’t help but agree with a grimace as you glance behind yourself once more. 

“I wish I could say it’s the first or last time, but I’m accident prone.” 

“At least it’s not falling up the stairs this time,” Static jokes, laughing quietly to himself. 

You almost miss it, but the last two words have your eyes narrowing and the gears clicking together in your head. The feeling of disappointment and seeing the local hero in the flesh was because you had expected to be looking at Virgil – the man who had your heart and had for some time. It was his voice that had called out to you to stop you. It was likely because it was Virgil’s voice that the warning had even registered in your fuzzy state of mind. 

You compose yourself before he notices, trying desperately to wipe the puckish grin from your face before he realizes his slip up. “Well, thank you again for saving me.” 

“Saving feels a bit out there, but you’re welcome.” 

“Well, in my defense, it’s not every day that a handsome superhero comes to my rescue.” You can see in real time the way his brain short circuits, and you have to physically shake your head once as if you can shake off your desire to laugh. “I mean, it’s just,” you pause, waving one hand around to make your point of grandeur, and the smile slips up for a second, “shocking, you know?” 

He composes himself a heartbeat later, coughing into his fist as he brings his eyes from the ground and back to you. “Well,” he coughs once more for real, “thank you for the compliment, kind citizen.” 

You almost choke trying to hold back the snort that comes out in response. He’s playing it strong, like he has no idea who you are, but to save himself from embarrassment. You realize he has no idea he has given himself away. 

It’s then that you remember that dumb smug look on a certain blond friend’s face some days ago - who must be Gear, your mind chimes - at his suggestion should you ever meet your hero crush. You can feel the way your eyes squint as your smile slips once more, leaving you almost biting your lip to stop from giving yourself away. 

Virgil. Or Static, you should say for now, is in the middle of giving you a soft reminder about watching your step, which you nod along to only half listening. “Of course, of course. I’ll be more careful.” You promise it to appease him when he fixes you with a look – one that means he knows you too well, only solidifying what you now know. “Let me thank you again,” you hum, stepping forward before he can blink, one hand on his shoulder to tilt him to your height before you plant a kiss on his cheek. 

When you pull back he isn’t moving, still as a statue to the point you aren’t sure he is breathing, staring at nothing while your actions are processed in his mind. And then you see the sunshine bright look that begins to dawn on his face as he looks back at you, seeming to forget he’s supposed to pretend not to know you. You speak before he gets the chance. “You can thank Gear for the idea.” You finish with a wink before stepping back. 

It is then that he remembers that he stands before you as a hero, not a civilian. But the connection isn’t lost on him, and he shakes his head before sighing. He struggles to find any words before he finally settles on something. “Be safe on your walk back and try not to fall up the stairs this time.” He lowers his voice before taking a step forward. “I’ll see if I can grab him to swing by tonight and talk about all this.” 

“Well,” you drawl out, kicking at shards of ruined cement, “if he can’t come by later then maybe we can pick up from that kiss on your cheek, if you’d like to talk about that too.” 

He stops a moment, genuinely thinking it through before he has that same sharp grin you’ve come to love. “How about I kick him out after? So that we can talk alone.” 

You hum nodding your head before shooting a fleeting glance at him and mouthing ‘talk’ for what little you believed that would be your focus. “That’ll work fine by me,” you say, back already turned to him as you weave through the renovation work. 

You miss the look Virgil gives you, amused and exasperated as he watches you clip a metal bar. “Yeah,” he laughs to himself, “that one.” Keeping you just in the field of his vision, he pulls out the mylar disc and his shock box, already beginning to call Gear to meet as soon as possible after their patrols.

[these-emo-thoughts]

Pit Babe Anniversary Rewatch! Episode 2!

Getting into the end of Week 1 of the Pit Babe 1st anniversary rewatch just in time by finishing off my day with Episode 2! Looking very forward to this one fajsdfahkhs thoughts as I watch will be down below!

Okay yes I'll be changing my phone ring tone to Speed of Love, I'm too far own this rabbit hole lol

Oh we start off with Tony and his interview lsjdfalsfsa

Tony has perfected the "smile that doesn't reach your eyes" trope, he looks like he just wants to murder that reporter asking him all these questions

That direct look into the camera when talking about "old racer" Babe 👀

Uncle Alan always so caring, worrying about Babe being okay instead of the race betting 🥹

First "Daddy" of the series

Nefarious plot and flashback, ugh yes, sign me the tf up (again)

I mean look, Kenta managing to hold back Alpha Babe is pretty solid of him LOL

I love Babe's confidence, like even though he's got those bad memories he's not afraid to face up against his adoptive father

THE SHOULDER TOUCH, WAY 😭😭 BABE LOOKS LIKE HE'S UNDER A SPELL HERE, GOD, THE SIGNS FROM THE BEGINNING ARE SO BRILLIANT

Far out I'm not going to shut up about this am I??

Again tho, it has to be said - Alan in a singlet top 😔👌

And now Babe and Charlie in a singlet tops 😔👌

Of course Babe can't resist such a sunshine smile, man is already so smitten even while brooding and I totally get it haha

JEFF!! AHH! THERE'S OUR BABY BOY DRINKING HIS PINK MILKSHAKE!! 😭

Lol I can't, every time I see 'UAC' I think of University Admissions Centre 🤣

Damn Kenta is doing the work - and he looks so happy too he probably thinks this is gonna make Tony love him

This obsession with cars of any kind amuses me but like, I also wanna build a track and play too 🥲

BRUH the omegaverse, I know I watched this entire thing but I still get so 😮 when I see it manifest on my screen, what a time to be alive

Puppy Charlie 🐶 these two are so cat and dog coded

There he is, there's baby boy Jeff coming to save the day 🥹

Show 'em Jeff, show 'em how good you are and get that job!!! Haha I'm writing him so much more insecure in my current fic but I love seeing him so confident in himself here ahaha

The duck under Alan's arm kills me

LMAO Dean, North, Sonic please, laughing like that at poor Alan who can't even get a handshake 😭

LMAO I forgot Babe calls Jeff cute here, and Way too like almost winks at him, bb boy is just too adorable 😭

I'm like honed into whatever North and Sonic are doing in the background at any given moment, js

Look at North, such a gossip lol

But also the instigator, damn, Babe is not playing

He also says he's not jealous that Charlie is talking to Jeff but we all know that's a lie lol

He also says he's not angry but welp, LOL

Again with Babe's jealousy, look how happy Charlie looks about it AHAHA

I actually do like that Babe is teaching Charlie in between all the 'concetration' he does

KIMMMMMM WHAT'S UP BOY!! WELCOME

Winner, I can't believe by this point you've been on my screen longer than bb Jeff AHAHAH

Winner: *Trash talks Babe into fighting with him* Also Winner: *Sics Kim on Charlie*

The attraction that Babe has for Charlie in this moment is peak *chef's kiss*

This is a great fight scene actually goddamn

AYEE go go Charlie

Winner once again losing at life (I'm going to keep a tally, this is loss number 3 for him so far in the series since he copped it twice already in the first episode AHAHA)

Bad idea to be smacking Kim against the wall, Winner 👀

Told you, there goes your fkn wrist babes do I could this as a loss for the tally AHAHA

AYEEE CHARLIE IS GETTING HIS CAR! 🙌 and what a choice he makes, the car that made Babe King of the Hallows

Way is quaking

There's gotta be a work for the kink Charlie has for Babe's coaching because he's really enjoying himself but I'd be crying 🤣😭

Dean is so chill, but look at how his words are cutting Way deeply haha

UGH MY HEART HURTS AT THIS BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WAY AND BABE AHHHHH WHY 😭😭

PLEASE that kiss Babe planted on Way's cheek healed my soul 😭

"Alai-wa"

"You're my best friend but complain like my boyfriend" lmao Way WISHES 😭

Here are the terrible two ready to cause trouble! Now being asked to keep an eye on Charlie.

Charlie has been called a puppy 3 times this episode ahaha

North is drunk but can see clearly that Way loves Babe

NORTH SAYING IF HE AND SONIC WERE EVER CLOSER THEY'D BE LOVERS 👀👀👀

Poor Alan lmao everyone always laughing at him

Way switches from supportive friend to bitch real quick and I'm here for it - but goddamn, he's harsh to Charlie

WAY HATES CHARLIE SO MUCH HE LITERALLY TELEPORTED TO INTIMIDATE HIM 🤣

I swear to god I was not planning on thirsting over Alan while rewatching this but lo and behold here I am. Thirsting.

Kenta, baby, sorry but Alan is not going to give you his son Pit Babe, no matter how much you offer - though that is a great way to end the episode ahh 👀

PETE IN THE PREVIEW YESSSS the family's all here!!

ALAN GIVING JEFF A KISS ON THE HEAD JKSFHSKJADHFJSKA

The no-kissing rule gets broken next ep, YESHH

And my favourites, the behind the scenes 🥹

Ep 2 is done!! Right in time for Week 2 of the anniversary event, yay!

[coredrill]

this post is not abt bravern but it Is abt my Bravern Feelings

i miss this show so much already SOBS. i did enlist another g roup of irl friends to watch it w me though and we are starting tomorrow so yay :] and also beware the rewatch posts

[guy who has said that i'm glad i watched this live every week voice] i'm rly glad i watched this live, but this time its bc. i think there is something so truly and genuinely special abt the way that the theories abt bravern himself evolved week to week.........like at first everyone was like Well maybe he's an evil alien who is gonna Kill isami. and then everyone was like Well maybe he's a death drive and isami is his lulu. and THEN everyone was like Well there's still some knuth in there so. but none of that was the case!!! none of that was true!!! it was literally just this one guy and all of the love he has and Absolutely Sucks Shit at expressing!!!!!!! and i just. idk. that hits me rly hard that maybe it was percieved as sinister at first just cause it was a little Off but in the end it was something really really sweet :] it also just feels like yet another way of the show doing its "we know audiences aren't willing to accept optimism at face value these days" schtick like they mentioned in that one interview and just. showing how bravern himself evolves in the eyes of the viewer. it's rly special to me :]

i know bravern speaking german in ep2 was a nod to the translator he uses on superbia later but. what if someone loved you so much they became german (if i ever mention kyouji again in a bravern context just fucking shoot me)

WILD to watch the finale and then see the isami hate train take off FKSJDHFJ cause i feel like i adored him so much in that ep LMAO. my guy really felt every emotion known to man in the span of 22 minutes and then started makin gup new ones. he's very human!!! and i love that abt him!!!!

although some takes. i'm ngl. i know we joke abt subtext and cowards but it becomes less funny when the subtext that is there is missed LMAO

sorry to keep bringing up ep4 but i think its SO interesting how like. the way that bravern seems to helps isami out emotionally in that ep actually ends up not helping him in the long run aswell? like getting to know all those ppl care abt him is good ofc but it also feeds Directly into his hangups in ep5. and i remember being a little confused as to Why that was the case on first watch cause ep4 was So abt his beef w lulu (FLSDKJFH) but w the smith being a human again thing in the end it makes. so much more sense!!!!! i can't wait to rewatch the show w it still fresh in my mind and find even more!!!!!!

and omg the beef with lulu. literally nothing is funnier to me than "we are gonna have one Rival Fight in this show and that position is gonna be filled by isami and smith's fucking KID" SOBS. LIKE. it kills me FKSLDJFHL. though i will say again that i think it is So fucking special that in ep10 lulu specifically calls out isami taking care of her after smith dies and it apparently happens to such a degree that like. he is worth her time traveling back to save independently aswell? even though there was no way that he "took care of her" for more than a couple days? which i think just says so much abt isami in the sense that like. at no point before ep6-7ish in his arc would he have even entertained that idea. uwu

i think i said this before but ikd if i included the screenshot but. the fact that while bravern is dying he sees THAT SAME FUCKING PICTURE is just evidence that men do not take enough photos i think

there is literally Nothing more onbrand for bravern than the fucking. "ep13 abema listing" (if anyone who has not heard abt that sees this. it was just a rebroadcast of ep12 mislabeled) sending everyone into a tizzy regarding like. Secret Episode Question Mark except half of everyone being convinced its an april fools joke and the other half being convinced that the april fools joke is that we didn't expect it. and then it turns out to not be interntional atall and the real april fools joke is Fry Pan. SOBS

Crunchyroll I Am Begging You If You Dub This Please Dub The Songs Too Oh My God (<- delusional)

anyways!!!!!!!!!!! again i know recency bias is the killa but god. i really loved this show a lot!!!! it might be an alltime fave story for me in general!!!!!! even if it's not it was a really special experiance and story on the whole and i'm just really really happy i get to carry it in my heart forever :]

[how-to-be-a-tree]

your dhruv sentiments are so on point lol. Initially I too was like omg Faruq is such a hottie. Those curls did me in. But then dhruv is just so wonderfully clueless and relatable that I absolutely loved him. How is this adorable cutie friends with veer lmao. It’s so lame that not enough people here are talking about the show. The ships are amazing and the acting is superb. I literally loved every character at some point but honestly the ships have me. Dhruv Faruq, Neeraj Sohani, Veer Saba… pretty sure I love Koel and Balli too lol. I didn’t think the Indian version of elite would be good but it’s pretty amazing and they kind of made it their own tbh

Hi!!! Yeah, I fell for faruq in my first watch; truly a hearthrob. During my rewatches, I found myself leaning towards dhruv, like he was relatable ( atleast with me, idk) in so many ways; his silence on being pressured and looking out for escapism, no prejudices on friendships(balli)/love interest(faruq), awes at things that others don't even look at ( what an architecture man?), catching feelings on people who checks on you/ share similar interest, simping hopelessly and being clueless most of the times( that was adorable) . I also loved dhruv, for just melting in love, his yearning eyes, the way he keeps going back to faruq, for being brave in love ( we'll handle that, i will fight for us), the way he keeps hesitating to get involved in a fight but do it out of peer pressure ( messy one!!!!). He's basically a precious schoolboy, who must be protected and loved!! That coming out scene! Omg!! that was so heavy!! As I watched some interviews, I could relate to the actor, chayan chopra for his spiritual thoughts and beliefs and loving him for that.

Veer and dhruv's dynamics, their friendship was so beautiful too. I wanna see that more.

Yup the ships!! Faruqdhruv is everything to me. I also loved Veersaba, their chemistry was so sweet. Neerajsuhani, idk, it was more of angst to me. Balli and koel were hot as hell, but as a ship, i'm not quite impressed ( maybe bcuz of all the angst, betrayal that came along with them)

Yes, the acting was on point. The actors, all of them were so good. the music🤌. The show is definitely worth watching. I'm obsessed and waiting for the next season. I'm from India, and I'm really happy that you enjoyed watching it. Lots of love. And yes, not enough people are talking about it here, idk. I hope it gets the recognition it deserves.

Thank you!!!!

[rmncihld]

I rewatched S1 ep 1-3 of Interview with the Vampire

Thoughts!

I watched with friends who were watching for the first time, and what struck me most is how much my opinion of Lestat has changed. They've been calling him a 'dipshit' and find him deeply annoying. I'm sure that, when we get there, they will think Louis is totally justified in killing him. I remember feeling the exact same way in S1! But this time around, I feel for him much more? I find him endlessly amusing, and feel sorry for him when Louis is mean to him. Is it because I last saw him being sad in the NOLA reunion? Is it because unhinged is better than whatever Armand was? Fascinating!

I've been thinking about what exactly in S2 is the most influential in changing the way I see these episodes. I think knowing that Louis' arc leads to I didn't know it was a gift, I treated it like a curse makes his struggle with being a monster feel more like something he has to get over? It's still understandable and I still love him, but I think first time around I felt more like he was right to hold on to his human morality, where now I more think that it's a phase on the way to acceptance of his true nature. For Lestat, it's weird because he's really not in S2 a lot - really only for two scenes - and yet I see him so differently. I think that it's not until I'm the one who broke him , and him saving Louis' life, and then the reunion, that we really feel how much he loves Louis - and Claudia! It's there in these episodes, he clearly adores Louis. But in most of the scenes we see he's so selfish and annoying and abusive, frankly, that the love seems almost unimportant.

Other thoughts:

Not a new thought, but just based on the speech in the confessional in ep 1 I have decided to give Jacob Anderson an Oscar and several Emmys. Somehow it's even more impressive the second time around

I rewatched the whole church scene, frankly, in throes of increasing wonder myself. It's so goddamn perfect.

My friends agreed that that scene is a masterpiece

I takes so long for Claudia to show up! She's so much at the heart of the story that I forgot she isn't there at all for the first three episodes.

At this point in the show, Daniel was my favorite and my friends feel the same way

It's so much fun to play 'spot Armand' in the Dubai scenes. I keep having to keep in giggles whenever Louis orders him around like a servant. Amazing.

[tokkiheart]

I commented on this post, but I feel like it cannot fully express all the things that I want to say/feel like I need to say in response to this lol

To preface, I ADORE W to the moon and back! I rewatch it a lot, it’s a comfort drama and it is literally the only thing that I write fanfics for.

This reblog is going to address both the “she created him and watched him suffer as entertainment” part of the op’s post and whether or not there’s a power dynamic. This post is going to be very long, so bear with me.

One of my biggest pet peeves is that the fact that Yeon Joo is Kang Chul’s original creator was such an important plot point to introduce and it just got completely glossed over and is never touched on again when it really should have I think! I wrote a whole long rant about it here.

Very importantly though, it’s shown that Yeon Joo genuinely doesn’t know that she’s the one who created Kang Chul. Which tells me that her father 100% took the character without asking her and then changed him to the point of being unrecognizable to her.

Which, I can’t blame her for and I would honestly dare anyone to tell me they’d know a character is their character after their black & white pencil drawing was given more realistic anatomy + color + additional personality traits + a whole tragic backstory that you didn’t come up with.

Like, he went from this:

To this:

I think anyone would have a hard time connecting the dots. It should also be noted that in the flashback we see, she doesn’t name him. Granted, the athlete that inspired her did have the last name Kang, but according to Chul after doing an internet search, her father had apparently said in an interview that he came up with the name (if I remember correctly and, if I am, then he could also be lying).

So she genuinely had no idea that the manhwa she had been reading for 7 years featured her own character suffering.

She doesn’t save him because she knows things he could never know though, she initially saves him because she believes that he’s a real person in need of life-saving help (and he is). She continues to save him after realizing who he is because she cares about him.

Moving on to the power dynamic part:

I’m inclined to say that there isn’t one and Kang Chul doesn’t need anyone to author the story to keep it going technically since the story has run away from the author.

Yes, Yeon Joo is able to alter things about the comic like her father, but she doesn’t abuse that ability nor Chul like he does. Yeon Joo respects Chul’s free will and treats him as human, because to her he is. This is one of the reasons why Chul loves her - her constant and continued consideration for him and his feelings. To her, he’s not a character to be controlled or an out of control monster that needs to be put down. He’s a real, flesh and blood human being with thoughts and feelings of his own as well as free will.

She could have tried to force Chul into the whole “sweet romance sequel” that she was joking about and he would have rebelled against it like he did to her father, but she just wanted to save him from drowning because she thought that’s what he wanted (and why the story was even able to be continued). As far as she knows regarding the rules regarding the whole situation, her being pulled into the world of W and being able to leave are solely dependent upon him. Oh Yeon Joo is physically brought in by Chul the first time and is brought back subsequent times because he’s thinking of her, so it wasn’t wrong for her to believe that her being brought in when he was drowning was because he was thinking about her and wanted to be saved.

Though she could theoretically have a god-like level of control him, Yeon Joo doesn’t see it that way and has never wanted to exert any level of control over him as an individual. I believe this is why she gets so upset in episode 7 when he accuses her of saving him when he chose death so that she can come back to his world whenever she wants and play with him like some kind of toy. She just wanted to save him like she’s been doing this whole time, the sequel thing was a joke she’d made because she thought he was romantically interested in her after he had come to her world, said what he said and kissed her.

This is a continued trend because it’s very evident that she didn’t want to erase Chul’s memories/retcon him back to before he knew her, that’s why she’s crying the whole time. She does it because he asked her to/made her promise to do so. After she gets pulled back into W and having to experience not being remembered by him, she could have chosen to retcon the retcon, but she didn’t because this was what he wanted to save her and So Hui. It’s also why she doesn’t tell him or try to insert herself in his life again, instead opting to just exist in the shadows of the manhwa and try to go unnoticed by him as a background character.

By contrast, Chul (as previously mentioned) has power too. He is the catalyst for why Yeon Joo is able to come into W and leave and when he learns this, he does abuse it… in a way. He essentially traps her in his penthouse in a prison of her own making because she doesn’t want to answer his questions out of consideration for him, but she is always able to leave if she answers one of his questions and shocks him.

Alternative response to the OP’s concern:

I like to think of the story of W as being a story that has “runaway from the author.” It’s a point that happens when writing irl when suddenly you don’t feel like you have any control over story or characters anymore and they’ve taken on a life of their own. In the show, the story is largely progressing without anyone needing to draw or write for it.

Technically speaking, Kang Chul doesn’t need anyone to write for the story to progress. We see that the story updates without anyone needing to doing anything other than exist and do stuff to make the story progress. It also trims things down in terms of what it wants to show.

I suppose the TL;DR is:

Yeon Joo being Chul’s original creator should have been more impactful/more of a plot point, their relationship isn’t that weird/there isn’t really a power imbalance (but also OP’s thoughts aren’t that weird).

Okay so… the main couple are cute af together, I won’t deny that -

However, there is just something about all this that just feels a little off… like, she created him, even says she finally found “the perfect man for her”. Her father then takes over the character and basically tortures him for years (tries to kill him irl too), and she read all this as a webnovel.

Like, she saw his whole life from above as intertainment, then suddenly finds herself in that world being able to save him because she knows things he can never know.

I don’t know if power balance is the right choice of words here… but it’s just…

She literally brought him back to life… and I know that he can somewhat control what happens in the webtoon, but if he still needs her to author it as well… isn’t that weird? Is it just me?

Idk, maybe it’ll make more sense once I’m further in, but I can’t stop thinking about it when they’re together…

[gaycey-sketchit]

WHOMST is your little guy 👀

I am about to ramble so much and vaguely complain about this Situation a bit. Thank you Natalie for this opportunity (genuine).

I was halfway joking about the "you'd never guess" thing because I feel like I am not subtle. Currently the one I'm way too fixated on is. Tracey Sketchit, of all characters. The embodiment of "just some guy", the Ash companion who stuck around the shortest number of episodes before being demoted to extra, who hasn't spoken a single line in about seventeen years, who most of the fandom either barely thinks about the existence of or actively dislikes (even though he has done nothing to deserve this). I love him so much. I can count the number of people I've come across who have him as a fave on one hand, and I'm pretty sure a person could at least very nearly count the fics in his AO3 tag that are actually about him (rather than having him as a background character) on their fingers too. The most common relationship tags in the aforementioned tag don't even include him--they're Ash/Misty and Ash/Gary by a longshot. And that's almost half the tag right there. (I am afraid to check FFNet, because FFNet is where bashfic lives and I know how some parts of the fandom feel/have felt about him.)

The upside to this whole situation is that the handful of people who do love him really love him, so while content is hard to find much of, there's a lot of love in what little exists. This fic is a good example of this, it is so beautifully and lovingly written that I teared up the first time I read it. And the second time.

As for how and why this happened, I... don't really know. He's already been in my top five since my Orange Islands rewatch back in late 2020/early 2021, but he's usually roughly tied for fifth place with Professor Oak rather than consuming all my thoughts. Part of it might be that he contrasts so nicely with Gary, who I find more fun to write than any other character, so they're really fun to write together--you've got this sweet, mild-mannered, normal guy juxtaposed against a loud bratty whirlwind of chaotic energy, it's fun. But I'm also just... deeply charmed by his personality on its own. He might not stand out like the louder and more chaotic company he keeps, but there's just something endearing about how he's sweet and gentle and polite so much of the time, and he's kind of on the shy side, but has moments where he gets really passionate about things and/or gets overexcited to the point of sort of throwing things like tact and common sense out the window. Like how his reaction to the TRio in his debut episode is to get really excited about the talking Meowth and then run right up to these criminals in the middle of doing a crime and try to give Meowth an interview. Also as a fellow creative I find his relationship with his art really relatable--it's clearly such a passion of his that he'll pretty much whip out his sketchbook and start drawing anywhere in any circumstances when inspiration strikes, but he also gets adorably self-conscious about it sometimes. He says early on that it's The Dream to have his sketches evaluated by Professor Oak and when this does happen at the end of Orange Islands, he is so nervous about it he starts shaking hard enough to shake the whole couch he is sitting on (along with Ash and Misty, who have to tell him to calm down). That moment is such a mood, that's exactly how showing your work to someone whose opinion you care a great deal about and waiting for them to say something about it feels (at least in my experience).

In conclusion. I love him.

[dubersbutt]

Take a Bow (4) - Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3,

Warnings: Babies, anxiety/feelings of heightened anxiety, smut

It’s not that Connor hates kids. They just make him uncomfortable.

Like when his aunt had a baby when he was 13 his mom asked if Connor wanted to hold him. Connor was fine when his mom gently placed the baby in his arms. Up until his mom told her to be super careful with his head or else he could snap his neck and kill him. Or if Connor accidently pressed his soft spot it could severely detriment his brain development. It was too much responsibility.

At least that’s what he used to think.

He fell in love with Emilia the minute you walked through the front door with her in the baby carrier. The dogs were excited by the tiny squirming arms inside the carrier, he had to hold Lenny back so he didn’t crush her.

“This is going to sound super cliche,” Connor says as he coos into the carrier where Emilia is trying to open her tiny eyes, “but she is the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”

“She’s a lot cuter now that her head is a normal shape,” you joke, munching on a cookie Connor had set out for you.

“Can you stop making fun of our daughter’s cone head?” Leon rolls his eyes.

“You didn’t see it, it was terrifying.”

(Connor googles a picture of it later. Babies are fucking weird.)

He helps you up the stairs to the waiting cup of tea on the mug warmer in your bedroom. He lets you get settled, handing you the TV remote and giving you a kiss on the forehead before going back downstairs to meet his daughter (step-daughter? Connor didn’t really know).

“Can I hold her?” Connor asks when he finds Leon and Emilia in the living room.

“What happened to the three month rule?” He raises an amused eyebrow.

Connor had created it after the incident. He didn’t hold a baby that was younger than 3 months.

“I’m feeling brave.”

Leon scooches over so Connor has room to sit comfortably. Leon gently places Emilia in his arms, and gives Connor a pillow to prop his arm on. Emilia’s blinks at him before squirming and stretching her little arms over her head. Connor feels all warm and fuzzy in his chest.

“Hello, Emilia,” he says, with a smile on his face, “I’m your other dad.”

~~~

Connor’s not inherently a jealous person.

Or at least he thought he was. But ever since Emilia came home he’s been feeling it. He loves Emilia, don’t get him wrong. Well, actually, he should backpedal for a second.

Connor is still annoyed at Leon.

He knows he should probably bring this up (because look what happened last time) but he hasn’t because Leon was trying to make things right with you. He obviously was trying with Connor as well, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was an afterthought. Some days were better than others, but everytime Connor thought about how he woke up and couldn’t find Leon in the penthouse he felt like puking.

Emilia eases the pain. He truly does love her like his own. The only time he uses the “she’s your kid” card is when it's 2 am and he’s too tired to get up. But he rarely even does that because Connor’s always been the heaviest sleeper out of the three of you. But other than that, he volunteers for bathtime, plays with her while you’re in the shower, he doesn’t even hate changing diapers that much.The puppies love her too, they’ve transitioned from napping on the dog beds in the living room to the spot on the couch closest to the bassinet to keep an eye on them. He regularly has to stop Lenny from trying to jump in and crush Emilia.

Back to Leon (Connor tends to get side tracked when talking about Emilia). Connor’s still annoyed and he’s been working up to talking about it. But it never seems like a good time. First you were pregnant, and Connor didn’t want to upset either of you. Then it was playoffs and Connor didn’t have any time to think about anything else. Then they got swept and Connor did nothing but eat ice cream for a week like he just had his first heartbreak. And after that…well, he just hates confrontation.

He keeps telling himself that he’ll get around to it, that he just wants to gather his thoughts but he knows he’s stalling at this point. Mostly because -

“So did you do what we talked about last session?” Sophie, his therapist, asks him at the beginning of his appointment.

-his therapist calls him on his bulshit. And he realizes that’s the whole reason he pays her, but it’s still rude.

“About that…” Connor trails off.

She gives him an amused smile, “Connor, you know I don’t like telling you what to do but I strongly suggest you talk to Leon.”

“Sophie, my girlfriend gave birth, we started playoffs and got swept all in the last two weeks,” he says with an exasperated sigh, “I deserve a little time for myself. Isn’t that what you told me last week?”

“I was getting to that,” she says.

Connor almost didn’t show up to his first session. He spent the whole ride over that he his therapist would be a quiet homophobe and who’d sell his story to the presses and ruin his life.

But then he went in and saw the framed photo of Sophie and her wife and their twins. He let out a sigh of relief and felt more comfortable telling her about his life. She didn’t even really watch hockey and she told him that he thought he was a “good player” for his age. Connor always has to stop himself from laughing whenever she tries to compliment his playing style. She’s adorable.

“And what about  (Y?N)? Have you thought about what you were going to say to her?”

He knows. He just doesn’t know if you’ll want the same thing.

“I have, a little bit.”

“And would you like to share what you’ve been thinking about?”

“I-uh,” he swallows, “I want another baby?”

“Is that a question?”

“I don’t think so.”

Sophie sends him home with the same homework he had last week: try to slowly figure out what he wants to say when he’s eventually ready to have a talk.

When he comes home, Leon’s standing in the kitchen by Emillia’s bottle warmer. He looks stupid hot holding a baby and Connor’s only mildly annotated about it.

“Hey,” he flashes Connor a bright smile when he notices Connor’s presence, “Can you hold her while I make her a bottle?”

“Sure,” He takes Emilia from Leon before sliding the dimmer down on the light switch. Her eyes slowly open in the dim light and her gumless smile warms Connor’s heart.

“Hello sweet girl,” he coos, watching as she somehow wiggles an arm loose from her blanket, “I love you. I hope you had a good morning.”

He doesn’t expect her to answer, obviously, but she does start to open and close her mouth, indicating she's hungry.

“Leo, you’re too slow,” he taunts playfully, watching as Leon carefully measures out the formula, “she’s starving over here.”

“I can only move so fast,” he laughs.

When Leon finally gets Emilia her bottle Connor relaxes into the dining room chair as she eats her lunch.

“How was therapy?”

Connor told you and Leon that he started going when he came home from his session. Connor didn’t divulge everything that happened in his sessions but it felt nice to have someone ask.

“It was good,” he says, leaning over and resting his head on Leon’s shoulder, “I only cried a little this time.”

Leon chuckles, “Does that mean therapy’s working?”

“Probably.”

~~~

Connor can’t help but laugh when he rewatches the interview of Leon talking about Emilia. He manages to somehow be adorable and sarcastic at the same time. You’re settled against his chest with your ipad resting on your lap and he can feel your giggles as Leon gives his short, glib answers to the journalists' annoying questions.

(Congratulations, she’s very cute.

“I know. She is my daughter after all.”

Your girlfriend’s not going to get mad about that comment?

“She’s gonna get mad if you keep asking questions about her newborn.”)

“I can’t believe you haven’t seen this yet,” Connor says as he runs his fingers through your hair.”

“Neither can I,” you giggle as Leon looks into the camera like he’s on the Office.

Leon rolls his eyes as he emerges from the bathroom, now freshly shaven.

“It’s not that funny,” he says.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Leo,” Connor says, gently hooking his fingers in Leon’s chain to pull him down for a kiss, “You’re very funny.”

“Why did you shave?” you say as Leon turns to give you a kiss, “Your beard looked so good.”

“It was also getting super scratchy,” Connor says.

Leon gets under the covers on Connor’s otherside, “Yeah Emilia’s been distracting me from the beard routine.”

You scoff, “the scratch is the best part, Con.”

“Tell that to the scratch marks on my ass,” Connor says without thinking, and then immediately blushes.

You groan, “Don’t talk about anything remotely sexy when my poor vagina is still healing from pushing out a whole watermelon.”

Leon laughs, “Don’t worry, baby, the beard will be back by the time you get your 6 week all clear.”

~~~

(5 weeks later - after your 6 week all appointment)

“Guess what bitches,” you shout as you enter the kitchen, “I can finally have sex again.”

“Mhm,” Leon hums, feigning disinterest, “And what would you like me to do about that?”

“You’re mean and not funny,” you say lightly hip-checking him, “Besides I have two boyfriends for a reason.”

“Yeah about that,” Connor stretches and yawns, “Emilia kept me up last night so I was gonna take a nap.”

You blink, “I will go to Whyte Av and find some rando to screw in a coat closet, don’t fucking test me.”

Leon grabs your hips and pulls you against his body so your back is flush against his chest before walking forward and pressing your hips into the kitchen counter.

“As if I could pass up the opportunity to fuck this sweet little pussy,” he grinds his hips, pushing your hips further into the counter.

“What have you been cleared for?”

“L-light, non-strenous sex.”

Connor laughs, “Boring, but better than nothing.”

“Davo, take her upstairs,” Leon commands so Connor scoops you up and carries you bridal style to the bedroom.

“Wait wait,” you say when they reach the top, “Where’s Emilia.”

“She’s napping in her crib,” Connor says as he drops you onto the bed, “Leo’s gonna check on her before he comes. So you can turn your brain off for a little bit.”

Connor doesn’t wait to hear your answer, just presses his lips to yours. He fels you moan against him. Connor’s hands slide under your shirt, slowly exposing skin. When he gets it over your head he trails his kisses down your body, unhooking your bra as he does. His kisses move in between your breasts to your belly.

“Beautiful,” he murmurs as he kisses your belly button, “you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

He hooks his fingers on your shorts, pulling them down your legs. He settles himself on the bed as he spreads your legs to press kisses to your inner thigh.

“Perfect,” Connor says, lightly nipping at the sensitive skin.

The tiny hitch of your breath causes all of his blood to rush straight to his dick, but he can’t bring himself to care. He takes his time, warming you up with kisses to your inner thighs, gently scraping his teeth against the skin. He kisses your pussy before running his tongue through your folds. His tongue gently caresses your clit with his tongue. Your hand comes down in his hair when he sucks your clit into his mouth. Your hips start to move against his face, grinding down to give yourself more friction.

“So impatient,” he hums, fucking one finger in you.

“It’s been six whole weeks,” you say,  “I haven’t gone six weeks without sex since I was a virgin.”

Connor chuckles, “Easy baby, we’ll get there.”

~~~

Connor can’t help himself when he sees you changing Emilia’s onesie in her nursery. He walks up behind you, wraps his arms around your waist and rests his head on your shoulder.

“Good morning,” he says, planting a kiss on your cheek, “And good morning to the world’s most adorable baby.”

Emilia gurgles but doesn’t retort. Smh, someone needs to teach her how to be humble.

“Morning,” you reply, buttoning up her fresh onesie, “How’d you sleep?”

“Good,” he responds with another kiss, “Except when you kicked me in my ribs.”

“I take offense to that,” you raise an eyebrow, “I am an angel in bed. And, yes, pun intended.”

Connor snorts, “We both know that's a lie.”

Both Connor and Leon have been victims of your aggressive sleeping style. One of these days he’s gonna tie all your limbs down, and not in a sexy way. But not in a murderous way either, let’s make that clear. In a Connor-wants-one-singular-night-to-not-get-punched-in-his-sleep way.

Oh god, his brain is rambling. Oh god, he does not want to do this.

“(Y/N),” he says before he can talk himself out of it, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.”

“About what?” you ask, holding Emilia close as you sit down in the rocking chair.

“I…” Connor has never been this sweaty in his life, “I want another baby.”

“Oh,” you say, indifferent, “Congratulations.”

His brow furrows, “what?”

“On growing a uterus,” you arch an eyebrow, “Because I sure as hell am not using mine again for like 3 years.”

Connor laughs, “I wasn’t saying right away. But, I just want to know if it’s something on the table.”

“I want another baby,” you say, “And as long as you’re willing to wait, I don’t see why it would be an issue.”

~~~

And Connor definitely feels lighter after his talk with you. And he even impresses Sophie by actually doing his homework for once:

“So did you talk to Leon yet?” She asks after he’s finished giving his rundown of his week.

“No,” he says sheepishly, “But I did talk to (Y/N) about having another baby.”

She has the professionalism to not look shocked, but Connor is getting a little better at reading her. Or at least he thinks he is. He still gets anxious whenever she writes things on her notepad, “and how did that go?”

“Honestly, it was better than I expected.”

“How so?”

He shrugs, “I guess I was just expecting the worst?”

“And why is that?”

He shrugs again, “Isn’t that something that you’re supposed to figure out when you psychoanalyze me at the beginning of every session?”

Sophie throws her head back in laughter, “You do know I can’t read your mind right.”

It sure feels like she can sometimes. Which is why he pays her but still, it’s rude. ~~~

Connor thought he was sweaty and anxious before talking to you. However, when it comes time to talk to Leon he also feels nauseous. Like, he might throw up in the kitchen sink again nauseously. But he’s been sitting on this for a few months now - but what if Leon hates him. What if he doesn't want to be with Connor anymore. What if he asks for a trade?

No, Connor’s spiraling. Leon’s a rational person; he's not gonna hate Connor for talking about his feelings, something Leon encourages because Connor tends to bottle things up until he explodes.

But what if-

No. No spiraling, yet.

“Leo,” Leon hums against Connors chest from his spot on the couch next to him, “You still awake?”

“Yeah,” he says quietly, “But I was thinking about going upstairs soon.”

Connor shuts the TV off, “Um, actually before that can we...talk?”

Leon sits up and stretches, “What about?”

Connor takes a deep breath, “I think - I think I’m mad at you?”

Leon looks a little confused, and Connor can’t say he blames him, “You think you’re mad at me?”

“I-yeah,” he takes another breath, “I know you’ve been trying really hard to reconcile with (Y/N), and that’s great, and I’m definitely not trying to say I take priority over her, but it kind of feels like you’ve put me on the backburner a bit.”

Leon nods, “How so?”

Connor shrugs, “I mean, when you came back and you apologized it was definitely pointed towards her. And it’s the little things, like you always make what (Y/N) wants for dinner and not me. It feels a little bit like there’s a hierarchy here.”

“Do you...feel this way with (Y/N) too?”

“A little bit,” he says, “But mostly with things concerning Emilia, so it’s not as big of an issue.”

Connor realized he feels a bit…scorned, for lack of a better word. Connor was with you first, and that’s not something he feels jealous about but now it’s all coming up. Connor never left you, Connor was the one who held back your hair and wiped your tears when Leon was MIA. Connor was there, Leon left.

...maybe he did need to talk to you some more.

~~~

Connor and Leon spend a long time talking on the couch before they join you in bed. Eventually, Leon puts his head in Connor’s lap as the conversation turns mundane and they just enjoy each other’s presence. It’s been a while since they’ve done that. They end the night with a little make out session that doesn’t lead anywhere more. It was nice.

The next morning Connor’s on baby duty. Not that he minds, it’s always nice to start his day with a smile from Emilia. He changes her diaper and puts a fresh sleeper on her, listening to the little baby noises she makes. When he’s finished he takes her downstairs to the kitchen where you and Leon are making breakfast.

“Good morning, babe,” Leon says when Connor turns the corner, “Do you want strawberries or blueberries on your french toast?”

Leon was making his favourite breakfast. Connor can’t stop the smile from spreading on his face.

“And how’s my favourite girl?” he asks, giving Emilia a little kiss on her forehead.

“A pooping machine,” Connor responds to her, and Emilia laughs at him.

“Did she just-?” you get from your spot on the barstool and run to Connor’s side.

“Her first laugh?” Connor says, “Yeah.”

He tickles her belly in an effort to get her to keep laughing, but she chooses that moment to be a stubborn newborn and frowns instead.

He looks at Leon, “She is absolutely your baby.”

“I smiled when I was a baby!”

“No, Leo he’s got a point,” you say in between funny faces, “your mom said she has one baby photo of you smiling because you would refuse to smile for the camera.”

“I was shy.”

“You’re a robot,” Connor says.

“Like you’re one to talk,” you scoff.

~~~

“Connor please,” you pant, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

Connor holds back a laugh, watching the sweat drip down your face, “I thought this is what you wanted?”

“Leo!,” you yell, catching his attention from across the room, “Tell Connor he’s being an ass.”

Leon does not hold back his laugh, “He’s got a point.”

“I can’t believe I’m getting bullied right now.”

Connor wraps his arms around you and pulls you close into his body, “It’s just some squats, baby, it’s not the end of the world.”

“It is when you keep adding weight!”

“Because you’re stronger.”

You just stare at him and, honestly, Connor feels a little scared.

“Tell you what,” he leans down so he can whisper in your ear, “If you make it through your sets, without complaining, Leo and I will take turns eating you out tears run down your pretty little face.”

“Promise?” you hold out your pinky.

Emilia’s being babysat by her grandparents so Connor feels no qualms when he links his pinky with yours, “Promise.”

“Promise what?” Leon pipes up from his place on the leg press.

“Connor offered up your body in exchange for squats,” you say, shouldering the bar once more.

“And what did Connor say I would do?”

“You’ll find out,” Connor says, waving a hand at Leon nonchalantly.

“I don’t even get to know how I’m being used as a bargaining chip?”

“Nope,” Connor says with a smile, popping the ‘p’.

~~~

Leon learns what the exact terms and conditions are of the agreement about an hour later. And, just like Connor expected, he does not complain.

He even has the audacity to wink at Connor as he’s tongue-deep in pussy. Ugh, he forgot what the butterflies in his stomach felt like when he’s not constantly annoyed with Leon. He can’t help himself, he gets up from where he was giving his jaw a break, and slides his fingers over Leon’s hole. Leon tenses up ever so slightly, he breaks the momentum he had on you, evident by how hard your ankles are digging into Leon’s shoulders.

“Don’t stop,” Connor grunts, slipping one digit past the rim, “You don’t cum until she does.”

He slides his finger all the way before uncapping the lube and lathering his fingers up and adding a second. Connor knows when he hits Leon’s prostate when He lets out a low groan into your cunt.

“Fuuuuuuck,” you whine, writhing against the sheets.

Leon pushes back on Connor’s fingers at the same time your hips start to grind down feverishly on Leon’s face.

“Make her cum, Leo,” Connor says, removing his fingers from Leon’s ass and teasing his hole once more.

Leon’s focus changes completely. His fingers dig into your hipbones, pulling you closer to him so he has a better angle. Your chest is rising and falling quickly, heaving off the bed when Leon finally sucks your clit. You cum with a shout, tumbling over the edge, pussy clenching around Leon’s tongue.

Connor wastes no time, grabbing Leon’s hips to steady him before spreading Leon's cheeks and swiping his tongue in long, broad strokes. Connor’s not the biggest fan of rimming, but Leon loves it. Leon groans as Connor teases him, starts to rut against the bed when Connor’s tongue dips into his hole, loses it when Connor starts to fuck him open with his tongue. He reaches over to jack Leon off, pumping him as he continues to take him apart. Leon goes limp beneath him, reduced to nothing but moans. Connor speeds up his ministries, revealing in the way Connor’s name falls weakly from Leon’s mouth. Leon bucks hard against the bed, cums with a shudder. Connor takes his hand off Leon's cock, and places it on his own but doesn’t quite relent on his tongue, working Leon through the aftershocks' pleasure. It doesn’t take very long for Connor to cum, finally letting up on Leon and effectively ruining his boxers.

“Aw Leo,” Connor says once he can catch his breath, “We have to watch the duvet cover now.”

~~~

“Where is my baby?” Connor teases playfully when you walk through the door, baby carrier in hand.

“Calm your tits,” you say, placing the carrier on the kitchen counter and allowing Connor to take her out, “She’s home, and just woke up from a nap.”

“I wish I took a nap today,” Connor says as he rocks Emilia in his arms. She gives Connor a toothless smile and Connor just wants to smoosh her.

“Has anyone ever told you, you look really good holding a baby?” Leon says, giving Connor a quick peck on the cheek.

“Good enough to have another baby?” Connor asks.

You roll your eyes, “Two years, Con.”

“I’m just teasing.”

And, yeah, Connor finally starts to feel like he’s home again.

[yeolmae-s]

a chanbaek analysis from a veteran exo-l (part 2)

CLICK HERE TO READ PART ONE

Writing this was a bit harder in comparison to the first part, because I wanted to organize things into a neat timeline, but I ended up not having enough patience for it lol specially because both of ChanBaek's main archive blogs seem to have deleted their pages documenting each date of EXO's early years. Therefore I apologize in advance if this part is a bit more messy. Also, please don't forget that all of this is my opinion and I don't mean for any of it to be taken as truth!

I kind of want to jump from MAMA era directly into Wolf era, since we don't really have a lot of cover regarding their debut phase besides Chanyeol's overeagerness and Baekhyun's awkwardness towards it, so to sum it up, I felt as if Chanyeol was more confident and consistent on what he thought an idol should act like, while Baekhyun (sweet, innocent Baekhyun who was a trainee for less than a year!) was still unsure on how to act on camera.

On the few early variety shows/interviews EXO appeared on, the members always pointed out how funny Baekhyun was, how good he'd be at variety and at doing imitations, but he never really lived up to all the praise on camera, although off of it, he most likely was as good as his members claimed.

He was a bit stiff on his early days in comparison to what we see today, and that's normal, I guess, since he debuted really quickly, but when you compare him to Chanyeol the contrast is so interesting, because the latter was able to latch on to a persona as soon as the public gave him one, while to me, Baekhyun was still doubtful regarding what to put on display. In the end, deep inside, Baekhyun is a private person, and was even more so when he wasn't confident enough to talk to fans like he does today.

Once again, I’m sorry for not being able to upload the gifs directly into the post, so I’ll just link them like I did on my last one.

This is another one of the moments where Baek appears to tell Chanyeol to just. Hold on for a bit.

There's another one similar to this where Chanyeol does the same thing (try to whisper on Baekhyun's ear) and Baekhyun fake laughs and stares at a fan's camera right after. Then, his expression just goes blank. It's really interesting to watch because you can just see the gears spinning on Chanyeol's brain as he stares at Baekhyun for a second and clearly thinks alright, fanservice time, and leans in to whisper something: it happens so fast you just know it wasn't genuine whispering, just a playful interaction for the fans, and Baekhyun's direct stare to the camera as soon as it happens just confirms this for me. 

1: Chanyeol spots his target.

2: He’s really thinking this through.

3: Baek's in a perfect position for whispering-time, so he leans in and does his thing.

4: Baekhyun laughs.

5: And stares directly at a fan's camera.

6: Immediately regrets his life choices. Chanyeol looks pleased.

It's actually better to watch the whole thing, so I'll leave it here. (starts on 0:28!)

(Random note: on this date EXO perfomed a cover of H.O.T's We Are The Future, and I feel like a lot of new EXO-Ls have not seem it and I adore this performance, so I'll link it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1-z4s3fdgo)

Now let's jump on to Wolf era, shall we?

Wolf era

I can't help but laugh when I think about how wild 2013 was for both EXO and EXO-Ls. They had their first hit song (which was Growl, not Wolf) the fandom grew considerably, shippers where just discovering the cute ISAC moments between "BaekYeol" and "HunHan"... Or at least that's how everyone remembers most of what happened during that year.

Are we forgetting the rumoured ChanBaek fight?

Considering their past interactions on airports, SMTOWN concerts, ISAC and other events, ChanBaek was now widely known to be close to each other. Baekhyun even said Chanyeol was the one who made him open up, and both of them mentioned feeling this "connection" to each other as soon as they met (although jokingly).

After Mama, the fandom was content-less for a considerable period of time, and what most people did was sharing around old performances and repeat overused memes.  I think that in every fandom there is a period where fans establish their main inside jokes and basically just get together to create a collective line of thought for perceiving their idols. That being said, one of the most well established facts in the fandom was that Chanyeol and Baekhyun were close. That was a fact.But then Wolf came, and they suddenly were not. 

This gif is a good example of how awkward their interactions were. Not even my delusional shipping brain in 2013 was able to come up with an explanation for it.

They simply did not acknowledge each other at all, and Chanyeol appeared to be closer to Kyungsoo (I think Baekhyun interacted a lot with Tao, but that may have been during the Growl era, not Wolf. As I said before, I'm a Chanyeol stan guys, sorry lmao).

Point is, these two boys who seemed to be best friends suddenly were clearly distant from one another.

What added fuel to the fire of the rumours was their appearance on Sukira, a radio show, where Sehun cried because the members sometimes had fights. Here's a fanacc:

[130530] EXO at Sukira

Sehun cried because the members sometimes fight.

Sehun: "Let's be loyal to each other, don't fight, and go until the end"

D.O: "We've been under a lot of stress lately because of the comeback, so I wish we won't fight in the future and do our best"

Here's a video cut of this part of their interview. 

I think this ask on lets-talk-baekyeol, a popular ChanBaek analysis blog from back in the day, shows how curious a lot of fans were.

What happened back then?

There's really no answer for that. On my opinion, not even Chanyeol or Baekhyun could give us a concrete answer on it, because I don't think an actual fight happened. For me, it was most likely a personality clash, a disagreement that probably wasn't even voiced out loud, just both of them noticing how uncomfortable things got, if Baekhyun's reactions to Chanyeol's fanservice is any indication. I somehow doubt there was a specific episode that created this distance between them, specially because during Growl, they went back to being friends, although not as touchy on camera as before, as if one of them had established their limits (oh, I wonder who!), but I still have this feeling that all of this was unspoken, because unspoken things seem to be a pattern on ChanBaek's relationship (something I'll touch on later, hopefully).

But it was during Growl era that I noticed something else about Baekhyun.

Wolf era

EXO'S Showtime was a such a gift. I recommend reading lets-talk-baekyeol's blog for this. I don't really agree with everything they say they do present a lot of relevant points. I may repeat them here, since I noticed them myself as well, but credits for them nonetheless.

I remember finding the lack of ChanBaek interactions during the episodes really dissappointing, but considering the Wolf Era drought, this was better than nothing.

My 13 year old self was devastated when Baekhyun appeared so quiet during Chanyeol's birthday episode, and during a recent rewatch of it, I think realized why.

Baekhyun doesn't like superficial things. It's not that Chanyeol is insincere, but he's just better than Baekhyun is at handling people pleasing, even when he doesn't really mean what's he saying/doing. The Chanyeol birthday episode was heavily centered on Chanyeol's random admiration for Kai, which I think we can all agree that it was a little bit scripted or a really spur of the moment thing that they just ran along with and oh man. Baekhyun did not want to be part of it.

During ChanKai's hug, this is what he looked like on the background, and the poor boy even refused to eat cake. He's just in the back, which is weird, because he's such a talkative person and Chanyeol is one of his closest friends. The only moment where he seems to be genuinely comfortable is when Chanyeol blows the candle and it's really cute. To me, it seems that he was kind of embarrassed to witness so much acting from everyone else and was unable to participate because he struggles with things like this, but the moment Chanyeol blows his candles to comemorate his birthday seems sincere enough for him to fondly smile.

This ties in so well with everything from Mama Era. He's just unable to keep acting/people pleasing on the same easy way that Chanyeol does, but this time he's not as nervous about it as he was on his earlier-early days, where he probably felt pressured to actually do stuff. Now he just doesn't do **it, he just doesn't do something that he dislikes doing, and that sadly creates a distance between them on camera and probably on a deeper level in their relationship as well, because both are just realizing how different their perceptions over their jobs is.

There's also this moment that the mods on lets-talk-baekyeol pointed out.

On the Christmas episode, when the members leave the couch to go get their presents, Chanyeol stays seated while Baekhyun gets up to fetch his. This is the sitting arrangement before (almost) everyone got up:

But when Baekhyun comes back, there's free space next to Chanyeol, however he's hesitant to sit by his side. He actually hesitates and doesn't sit down. Jongdae even gives him a little push right after.

Baek just seems hesitant to do things on camera, to interact with Chanyeol in front of an audience. For this moment, I feel like he's afraid to sit next to Chanyeol and end up having to over act. It's not that Chanyeol himself makes him uncomfortable, but the image of the friendship that they ended up creating for fans demands a lot from him.

And when I say hesitant to do things on camera, I really do mean it, because when Baekhyun thinks he is not being recorded/seen, here's what he does:

Here and here.

Their relationship clearly changed, and I think the reason for it is actually simple: both of them were under the impression that they were compatible with each other when they actually were not. Their personalities are extremely different, even if the way they present themselves is sometimes similar. Wolf and Growl era was our way, as fans, of watching them navigate around each other and finding out how their relationship was supposed to work.

And you know what's nice about that? The members watched all of it unfold. Their reactions to some of ChanBaek's interaction is a gold mine when it comes to analyzing them, because they clearly know, just as we do, that their relationship is kind of complicated. But I want to talk about it on the next part.

I am sorry for cutting this off again! I don't know if the next part is going to be the last, because after Growl there's Overdose and we all know what happened on 2014 [coughs] dating scandal [coughs] god help me I don't want to talk about it [coughs] so there's a lot to uncover and I need time to organize stuff.

Thank you for reading!

[absolutebl]

This Week In BL

April 2021 Part 5

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Close Friend Ep 2 (JaFirst) - First is a cat. No actually a cat. It was WEIRD. Cute, but creeping towards beastiality. It reminded me of that strange series out of China (@heretherebedork says Youth in the Breeze). The most amusing thing to me was that the cat used Thai formal linguistic register when of course cats would use informal rude guu mueng with EVERYONE. No cat would use pom. Don’t be ridiculous, Thailand. 

Second Chance Ep 5 - still invested, things progressed for all 3 couples, in one direction or another. They cuties. I love them. Carry on. 

Y-Destiny Ep 5 - the “virgin scoreboard” is gonna make the seme real hard to redeem with this pairing. If they bother. This might be a life lesson episode. What does it remind me of? Oh yes. Kids. *SHUDDER* Point of interest: did you notice Team uses ha with Mon? What a pushy flirt. 

Lovely Writer Ep 10 - honestly I just love it when Poppy shows up in anything, why is he such a delightful screen presence? (Gene’s brother) Sorry, distracted. What happened in this one? Oh, ya know, stuff and things. Family drama. (It is just me or have they been giving us some long ass episodes lately?) Obligatory beach trip activated. (Result = dumb probability mathematics jokes.) Next week it looks like we have Keeping Actor’s Closeted 101. You know the Casting Couch? This is the Casting Closet. 

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 4 - early stage confession, how fun. It’s not unprecedented it just usually means we are in 4 act structure, not 3, which means Fish might go more serious than I thought. Honestly? I’m losing interest mostly because I’ve gone from mild annoyance to active dislike of Pi. Happened to me with Tine too. They better redeem this obtuse tsundere uke soon or he’s not tsundere at all he’s just a jackwit. 

Brothers Ep 13 fin - a kiss and the family finds out about the not-so-brotherly brothers, drama, graduation, THE END. My side-dish happy heart made thumps over Q + delivery boy, I’m sad they got so little screen time. My babies KhunKaow did get a tiny coming out sequence as such. I’m seriously considering doing myself a bootleg of just the KhunKaow plot, but that means I’d have to rewatch the whole darn series and I can’t STAND the idea. Which should give you insight into how not good this show it. Very NOT good. Must we get a season 2? Please stop now, Line. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 7 - Muren is the cutest peanut and anyone who says otherwise can fight me, although they probably have to go through Licheng first. I was NOT invested in these two at the beginning, but as a couple? They own my soul. The other storyline is still the dumpster fire that I can’t decide to roast marshmallows over (knowing they’ll get tinged with eu de trash) or flee from in horror clutching my pearls and my nose. H4 continues to provide the quality psyche torture I’ve come to expect from this franchise. *sarcastic thumbs up*  *** A word on seeing Boxiang show up (side dish from H3:MODC). It was an unexpected pleasure, I loved his pairing (May/December is a winner for me *glares at Method*) but I do think it was a bone from the franchise telling us that we are never getting that spin-off or reboot that people yearn for. However, how AWESOME that Licheng has someone to go to and ask about topping properly. Otherwise he’s sure to have screwed it up. (Pun intended.) 

Papa & Daddy (Tailwan) Ep 1-2 - this came out of nowhere and is ADORABLE. Applies a ton of BL tropes (cheek kiss, his closet, B&W stripes, drag baby around, boop) but what IS it? More slice of gay domesticity than romance. Like 2019′s Kinou Nani Tabeta? or currently airing Close Friend. I enjoy this style, very wholesome, but I’m not sure what to call it. (Bonus points for cutie lesbians.) A bit weird to have a kid with your partner and STILL not be out to your parents. I hope they aren’t going to throw in a break up for dramatic effect. 

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 4 - I’m really enjoying this series. It’s unabashedly queer, although there’s some problematic stuff lurking under the wig. How it ends is gonna dictate if they handled this stylishly. But hot damn the leads ZING on screen together and their crackling prank-flirting is a joy to watch. 

Word of Honor (China) Ep 31-33 - moving into the home stretch. Big rescue and the band is back together (presumably for the final slaughter). Then a death! *this is my shocked face* Did I tear up? Of course I did. 4 act structure is designed for maximum pathos during the final 1/4. Did we all faint from the symbolism of the love token hair stick being gently thrust into Ah Xu’s bun? Sure we did. All that and sill I’m flagging. This is a long-arse show. Save me, Korea, with your iItsy bitsy teenie weenie...

Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding (Korea) Ep 5-6 - I am getting such strong 12th Night vibes from this. Tae Hyung is now brigadier of BL’s historical himbo brigade. (To be deployed whenever you are in need of poetry or a cut sleeve.) This show is all ridiculous charm and I LOVE it. Although, five seconds of Lee Sang is not enough Lee Sang. I had to immediately rewatch Wish You. 

Gossip

Nitiman gave us an actor intro BTS teaser. 

Kang In Soo (AKA Kyang Insoo) posted a cute behind the photo shoot of Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding plus a silly interview with Jang Eui Soo on his YouTube channel (you should subscribe, it’s a fun channel, his fitness regime is both insane and inspiring). 

My Engineer 2 dropped a couch interview with the boys but it feels like one that was filmed a while ago (oh and no subs).  

STARTING SOON: Nitiman, Love Area, Top Secret Together, Be Loved in House, & I Promised You The Moon  

Nitiman (Thai) May 7, One 31. University set, moons, engineering students, enemies to lovers, adapted. - Looks to be a solid 2 Moons knock off, I’m in.

Love Area (Thai) May 8, AIS Play, 10 eps total. Restaurant set, stars Pak Chavitpong (the only good thing about Cupid Coach) and the OST is sung by Jeff Satur (Ingredients). - It’s boys in love revolving around food = my kryptonite, try to stop me from watching this probable trash. 

Top Secret Together (Thai) May 14, Line TV. 5 couples, one IRL (Newyear from I Am Your King), story arcs revolve around secrets.  - I’m getting fatigued by these multi-couple sampler pack dramas, but I’ll try it for Newyear’s sake.  

Be Loved in House: I Do (Taiwan YES!) May 20, Viki. Office set, relationships prohibited at work by a new boss, one of the employees is determined to figure out why. Grumpy/tsundere pairing so loads of drama. - I am so flipping excited for this one. A 4th BL series from Taiwan in less than a year? That’s unprecedented. GO BABY ISLAND GO! 

I Promised You the Moon (Thai) May 27, Line TV. Follow up to I Told Sunset About You with the boys now at university. - I won’t be watching this as I have yet to finish season 1. 

Possibly Gameboys season 2.  - Rumors are all over the place right now on this. 

Next Week Looks Like This: 

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons. 

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

[addictedtostorytelling]

What are we meant to take away from the conversation between G&S in 5x05 Swap Meet? Sara seems shocked, and maybe a bit of outrage that Grissom continues to be so clueless in her mind when he says to her that the couple said they're happily married. G states it like a casual fact, but I think he believes it himself. I feel like if anyone would understand that polygamous lifestyle, it'd be Grissom as a scientist. Idk, Sara seems to have a more traditional view of relationships from this dialogue.

Hi! Same anon again, sorry but this ep is just so good on the rewatch. Still 5x05 Swap Meet. GSR smirking at each other is adorable when Sara discovers some porn magazines and Grissom says there's racier stuff in the Karma Sutra and ancient Roman art than in the porn magazines. Sara's all like my future-husband has a refined taste. And, the fact that Grissom picks up on a woman in the photograph wearing La Perla instantly??!!! Makes me think that GSR sex is off the charts on a 1-10 scale.

hi, anon!

i actually have the different take on that scene; i read a lot more doubt in grissom's side of the conversation than you do.

while i don’t think he’s necessarily condemning the practice of swinging in a moral sense, i do think he fails to himself understand it (just the same as sara does).

more discussion after the “keep reading,” if you’re interested.

__

as preface to my comments here, i’ll mention a few relevant points: 

first, it’s worth noting that during their respective interviews with mr. and mrs. brady, grissom and sara are faced with some new and (to them) challenging ideas on the nature of relationships/marriage/monogamy, and those ideas are the ones that they’re trying to wrap their minds around in the scene in question, namely:

mr. and mrs. brady have told them that swinging is something they are both okay with each other doing and that there’s no issue of jealousy between them in engaging in the practice;

mr. and mrs. brady have told them that swinging has actually improved and even saved their marriage—that having sex with other people has rekindled their sexual interest in each other.     

those are the notions that grissom and sara are grappling with when they talk in the hallway: they’re trying to figure out if they believe what the bradys told them—whether or not it’s actually possible that two loving spouses would be amenable to their husband/wife having sex with someone besides themselves, and, if so, if such a practice could actually be beneficial to the marriage overall.

they’re not so much debating whether swinging is a moral/ethical practice—and especially not within the framework of, say, christian morality—but rather if they buy into the idea that two people who have previously made a commitment to each other to be monogamous could ever truly welcome the idea of their partner looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

and, of course, all grissom and sara have to go on in this debate is their general understanding of human psychology and their own personal inclinations, so of course their reactions get a bit messy.

next, i’ll cop to the fact that my personal reading of grissom’s sexuality plays a role in how i interpret his reaction here.

i understand grissom to be demisexual, and i believe that his demisexuality manifests in such a way that he only experiences sexual attraction to the person he’s actually romantically in love with. 

since sara is the only person he’s ever romantically loved in his entire life, she is therefore also the only person he’s ever experienced sexual attraction to. 

now.

grissom is highly aware that his experiences with sexual attraction are not the same as most people’s are—that he is an “outlier” to the norm.

prior to meeting sara, he is shown, time and time again, in unmistakable ways, that he is exceptional for having such a low/nonexistent sex drive compared not only to most men but to most people overall. then even after he meets her, he is still often reminded that his hardwiring—in terms of being so exclusively attracted to her and no one else—is not “usual;” that for most folks, being romantically in love with someone doesn’t necessarily equate to having zero physical interest in anyone else besides that person. he’s “the odd man out” in having no attractions (even just on a superficial level) besides to his one true love.  

he is therefore willing to allow that his personal views on sex may be very different from other people’s—i.e., that his view on what’s “normal sexual behavior” may vary from the views of the majority or even from other minorities.

to my mind, that’s why he at least tries to entertain the notion that “swinging” may be a healthy expression of sexual behavior as part of a marital relationship, even though the concept doesn’t at all personally appeal to him or even really make sense as he sees things.

however, i also think that while he can better articulate the talking points of this issue than sara can, saying why it is that, at least in theory, swinging should be a workable lifestyle choice for consenting adults, he isn’t any more sold on the idea than sara is on a personal level, which is something we see more at the end of the conversation on his part (and in his nonverbal cues, more than what he actually says). 

finally, i will also point out that while this conversation between grissom and sara is ostensibly just an instance of two criminalists talking case details and hypotheticals together, it’s also very much a conversation between two prospective lovers in which they are essentially communicating, “if we were to get together, here’s what i would be comfortable with. do you feel the same?”—and that’s something that they’re both keenly aware of as they’re talking.

remember: grissom and sara most likely enter an official romantic/sexual relationship sometime during the back half of s5, and the front half of s5 is really a build-up and prelude to that consummation.

this is a time when they’re (even more so than they’ve ever done before) flirting and feeling each other out and testing the waters with each other.

so this conversation has multiple valences between them.

this whole exchange isn’t just a matter of them trading professional opinions on two suspects; it’s them speaking personally, revealing their own views on love and monogamy and intimacy to each other, trying to see if their values and expectations align.

what they’re saying carries a lot of weight.

there are the implications for the case they’re investigating, but then there are the implications for them.

sara is essentially asking grissom without actually asking grissom, “if we were together, would you ever want to be with anyone else? would you ever be comfortable looking outside of our relationship for sex/intimacy?”

and though grissom doesn’t get to answer with words, his fumbling reaction to her question suggests that his answers to those questions are “no, i wouldn’t” and “no, i couldn’t be.”

—and the fact that they are is significant, because those are sara’s same answers, too. 

so.

with those points in mind, my more general take on the scene is this:

grissom and sara have both just finished interviewing their respective suspects and learning about “the lifestyle.”

in all honesty, they're both personally squeeged out by the idea of seeking sexual fulfillment outside of one’s marriage (even with the apparent consent of one’s spouse), as they are themselves incredibly monogamous at heart and can't imagine that if they were ever somehow lucky enough to be in a relationship with the person they love that they would want to a) “share” the person they love with anyone else, or, b) look outside of their relationship with the person they love for intimacy.

basically, if they were together, they can't imagine ever wanting anything/anyone else, so it's hard for them to understand how anyone else could want such a thing, either.

still.

as they are both scientists who understand that human sexuality manifests in myriad ways and also generally believers in the philosophy of “as long as it's not hurting anyone, live and let live,” they're trying to wrap their heads around the idea that a healthy marriage between two people who profess to love each other could potentially include “wife swapping.”

it’s just that, honestly, despite their efforts to rationalize, neither one of them is having much success accepting that notion; they’re both incredulous of the idea that there could potentially be a definition of marriage that doesn’t include an expectation for sexual monogamy with one’s spouse.

of course, while sara is willing to acknowledge her own personal views on the subject, admitting her biases, grissom is trying his damnedest to cover his (as is par for the course with him).

she’s talking practically and frankly, while he’s hiding behind a wall of theory.

it isn’t until the end of the conversation when she directly questions him about his views that he is forced to confront the fact that he is personally no more comfortable with the notion of wife swapping than is she. 

check it out:

(sara sits on a bench in the hallway, watching from a distance as mr. and mrs. brady, fresh out of their respective interrogations, kiss as they reunite. grissom appears, bringing two cups of tea with him, one for himself and one for sara. he sits down at sara’s side.)  

s: (accepts the tea) “thank you.” (pause) “i know i’m supposed to be objective, but i think i have a problem with ‘the lifestyle.’”

g: “well, they’re consenting adults. it’s not illegal. at most, they only hurt themselves.”

s: “tell that to vanessa keaton. everybody has a jealousy gene.”

g: (intrigued) “YOU think it was a crime of passion?”

s: (nods) “yeah. when YOU have to go outside a marriage for passion, YOU’RE in trouble. and YOU’RE asking for trouble.”

g: “well, they say they’re happily married.”

s: “YOU think they’re happy?”

(grissom pauses to consider the question. however, he doesn’t get a chance to voice his thoughts before his phone rings, and he answers it.)

here, i bolded all of the first-person pronouns, CAPITALIZED the second-person pronouns, and italicized the third-person ones for emphasis.

notice that sara starts the conversation talking solely from her own perspective, in the first person. 

notice how, by comparison, grissom doesn’t make mention of himself or his own opinions at all; instead, he makes his statements solely in the third person.

this use of the third person is a purposeful—though maybe not fully conscious—rhetorical move on his part, as sticking to the "theys” and “thems” allows him to objectively describe what other people believe rather than to broach the topic of his own subjective beliefs.

he’s talking like an anthropologist here, saying, “in this community, we observe that subjects do x,” rather than talking for himself saying, “here’s what i think of x myself.”

however, sara doesn’t allow him to remain comfortable within the realm of third-person removal for long.

first, she starts talking in hypotheticals about how any married person who feels they must look outside of marriage for sexual satisfaction is setting themselves up for problems. 

as she does so, even though she is ostensibly speaking about a generic and theoretical third party, she very tellingly moves into using the second person—“when you have to go outside marriage,” “you’re in trouble,” etc.—signaling (probably largely subconsciously on her part) that her interest in the conversation has shifted. 

now she’s no longer just discussing monogamy as an academic concept but rather as a personal one. 

she needs to know what grissom’s views on the topic are not as a scientist but as a person, and especially as the person she is in love and interested in spending the rest of her life with.

that so, when grissom makes one last scrambling attempt to keep their conversation situated on third parties, she eventually confronts him, asking him directly for a personal opinion: “you think they’re happy?”

—and here she is actually using “you” in the second person, as opposed to as a hypothetical third-person stand-in.

she’s actually asking gilbert grissom, the love of her life and the man she wants to marry someday, if he thinks that a husband who feels compelled to sleep with other women besides his wife actually loves and is happy with his wife after all.   

of course, grissom is “saved by a phone call” before he is made to say what he actually thinks and explain whether or not he agrees with the idea that someone involved in swinging could actually in reality be happy in their marriage.

however, it’s clear even before his phone buzzes that he’s just as personally dubious of the notion as sara is.

that look he gives after she asks him “you think they’re happy?”—the way his mouth falls open, and his eyes dart—that’s his expression of doubt, right there. 

that’s where it’s clear that he isn’t sold on the idea that someone who was happily married would actually have the desire to hook up with someone other than their spouse, even if their spouse gave them the okay to do so.

it’s worth noting that in the original script for this episode, this scene had a different ending line than the one we see in the filmed scene which made it even clearer that grissom and sara’s conversation had shifted from being about the bradys and/or other hypothetical swingers to being about themselves: namely, grissom asked sara, “so how come we’re both single?”

now.

we should note that this episode takes place in 2004, meaning that at the time that the events of this episode are taking place, the concept of swinging, which is still not widely accepted in “mainstream” american society even today, was relatively unknown to most people and little understood even by those who had heard of it; though the concept of swinging has been around for a long time and there were even some “swinger communes” during the 60s and 70s, outside of those communities themselves, the concept was still largely considered “fringe.” 

that so, while the fact that grissom and sara don’t have progressive views on the matter can still be considered disappointing, it’s not necessarily unexpected that they don’t. they don’t have any understanding of the theory of “consensual non-monogamy.” it’s just not something they’re educated on or probably had ever seen practiced prior to working this case.

of course, while one would like them to be more “ahead of their times” than they are, i also think they deserve at least a little credit here because they’re not making their objections to the practice on moral grounds (in terms of “i think this is inherently wrong” or “that goes against my personal philosophical/religious beliefs”) but rather on psychological ones. 

what they’re debating is not whether it’s ethical to swing but rather what might make someone want to do so and whether or not it’s possible to engage in the practice without evoking a jealousy response in one’s spouse.

what they’re really questioning is, “if you truly loved your spouse, why would you ever even want to fuck someone else? and is it possible to fuck someone besides your spouse, even with your spouse’s permission to do so, without your spouse ultimately coming to resent you and/or your fuck buddy?”

and to them, the answers to those questions are: “you wouldn’t, really” and “no, it’s not,” not because they believe that people who engage in the lifestyle are inherently bad or duplicitous or are going to hell or are blaspheming the sanctity of marriage or anything along those lines but because, based on their own experiences and feelings, they just can’t believe that it “works” and/or that people who actually love each other could be involved in it without losing their cools somehow.

they’re trying to put themselves in the bradys’ shoes, and, in so doing, all they can come up with is, “if it were me, i wouldn’t want that.”

remember: grissom was jealous of sara’s boyfriend even at a time when he had no official “claim” to her.

remember: sara got her feelings bruised when that boyfriend cheated on her even though she wasn’t actually personally attached to (much less in love with) him at all.

remember: they both want nothing more than just to be together, even though, at this point, they feel they can’t be.

remember: they both know that if they were ever lucky enough to be together, they’d want for nothing else; they’d be totally fulfilled in just having each other.

so that’s where they’re coming from.

that’s why they have their hang-ups.

and ultimately, that’s my take on the scene:

sara is saying, “okay, so these people just told us that they’re cool with their spouse having sex with other people with their knowledge. they claim it’s even helped their marriage. but i don’t buy that. i don’t think that it’s actually possible to know that the person you love is fooling around with somebody else and not be upset about it. i think that whole setup is a recipe for disaster. they’re lying to themselves if they believe they’re immune to jealousy, as is evidenced by the fact that someone in their circle got killed for engaging in this very behavior.”

and grissom is going, “well, uh, i mean, they claim they’re okay with it, so maybe they are??? how would i know? i’ve only ever been sexually attracted to you, so my whole frame of reference is very different than most other people’s frames of reference are anyway. i mean, at the very least, even if they are deluding themselves into thinking they’re more okay with 'sharing’ than they really are, that’s their right, isn’t it? having a bad marriage isn’t a crime.”

and sara’s countering, “no, but killing someone is. and it’s possible that they did kill someone because they’re actually much less happy than they’re letting on. i mean, if they were truly happy, why would they even be looking outside of their marriage for pleasure anyway? you wouldn’t, would you? i mean, if it were you, and you truly loved someone, if you truly loved me, and we were lucky enough to actually be together, you wouldn’t even want to swap with anyone in the first place, would you?”

and grissom’s staring at her with his mouth hanging open because she’s got him there.

he wouldn’t.

he doesn’t.

he can’t even imagine.

he’s never wanted anyone else but sara, and he can’t fathom being happy knowing that she were with someone else, even if it were supposedly “just a sex thing.” he cannot conceptualize of marriage as anything other than a total commitment. in his mind, in his heart, in his personal experience, sara is his “one and only,” and if she were his wife, he’d be completely satisfied with her and her alone.

so.

as for the porn conversation, my view of grissom as demisexual also colors my understanding of what’s happening there.

i tend to think that in his youth, grissom has one or two sexual relationships—at least one that we know of with julia holden (see episode 11x13 “the two mrs. grissoms”) and perhaps also one with the college girlfriend he mentions in episode 09x08 “young man with the horn,” but not too many more than those.

as discussed above, prior to meeting sara, he’s never actually sexually attracted to anyone, so when he sleeps with these few select women, he’s not necessarily doing so to fulfill a physical need on his part but rather because he’s adhering to a social role—doing what he thinks a boyfriend should do and what his girlfriend probably herself wants.

that’s not to say that he’s nonconsenting but just that he’s not “in it for himself,” you know?

—and especially not because having sex with women he doesn’t actually love, even if he otherwise likes them as friends/people, ultimately proves to be a miserable experience for him.

as he talks about in episode 07x21 “ending happy,” “sex without love makes [him] sad,” so these relationships ultimately do not turn out for him; he tries to play the part and maintain that kind of physical bond but because doing so makes him feel awful, he can never make things work in the long-term. eventually, he ends up either dumping the girl or getting dumped by her.

to quote from this post,

i imagine that [after these few failed relationships in his youth], grissom devotes some study to trying to understand sex better from an academic perspective—reading researched studies, playboy magazine, the kama sutra, the decameron, and anything else he thinks might help him to figure out the mystery that is sex.

hence why in later years whenever the topic of sex comes up at work, he reaches for these literary references to explain whatever it is he’s observing (see episodes 01x09 “unfriendly skies,” 05x05 “swap meet,” etc.).

however, while sex makes sense to him in theory and while he understands the mechanics well enough—it’s not like his body doesn’t respond to friction when it’s applied—the emotional side of sex still baffles him. no book, magazine, or journal article can tell him wherein the disconnect in him lies or how come, for as generally solitary as he is, he has seldom felt more alone than when he’s in bed with someone else, even if the person is a friend.

so that brings us to the scene in question.

by this point in his life, grissom has finally experienced sexual attraction for the first time—specifically to sara.

whether or not they’ve ever had sex with each other to this point (i.e., during the early days of their relationship, between 1998 and 2000), we don’t know; however, certainly they both want to have sex now.

i mean, one only need watch the famous “pin me down” scene from episode 04x07 “invisible evidence” to see just how sexually attracted to each other they are.

at this particular point in their relationship—in early s5—they are in this kind of liminal space, where after years of denying their feelings for each other and artificially keeping themselves apart, they’ve finally started to be more open with each other again and express affection in a way that they haven’t probably since before sara first moved to vegas.

while they’re not yet dating to this point, that’s what they’re moving toward.

that’s what they’re gradually figuring out—how they could maybe make a relationship between them work, given all their circumstances and history.

to this end, basically every time they interact in early s5, they’re kind of sussing out and negotiating what they want from each other, expressing interest in such a way that the other person is cued to the possibilities.

this episode is one where they’re specifically testing the waters re: sex.

they don’t talk about the issue directly, of course—and especially not to say “i’m interested in having sex with you,” even in so many words—but they’re definitely circling around it, making oblique references, using innuendos to give each other ~ideas~.

—and that’s what i think is going on with this scene.

sara finds the porn cache and alerts grissom to its presence, and he, in his backward demisexual grissom way, is like, “this is the perfect opportunity to prove to sara that i know a thing or two about sex ‘cause i don’t want her to assume that i don’t.”

so he makes his quip with all the subtlety of an airhorn: “well, nothing new about this stuff,” he remarks, flipping through the pages of the nudie magazine. “the frescoes at pompeii were more explicit, the kama sutra, the decameron—”

he’s basically giving her his reading list, telling her he’s done his homework.

honestly, it’s kind of an awkward move on his part, but also weirdly endearing.

so sara “plays ball” with him, countering that while the media he’s referenced is art, the “bondage” rag she’s dug out of the desk drawer is anything but.

as with the scene in the hallway, this is another instance where she’s vetting him, figuring out if he’s on the same page as she is when it comes to their attitudes toward sex. she wants to know if he appreciates the difference between artistic erotica and “trash.”

and the look he gives in response to her statement tells her he does.

he passes the “test.”

as for how quickly he recognizes that la perla lingerie, we’re shown earlier in the episode that the only reason he even has any idea that that brand exists (or any clue as to its quality) is because doc robbins tells him about it earlier in the investigation at the victim’s autopsy. he’s just showing off something he learned.

all of this said, i think that both grissom and sara end up being pretty pleased by the attitudes the other person displays toward sex in this episode. while grissom is perhaps more “anthropologically-minded” than sara is in terms of acknowledging the spectrum of human sexual expression, his personal views actually align pretty closely with hers, as they are both fiercely monogamous, consider love and sex to go hand-in-hand (for them), and tend to be a little “old-fashioned” in their personal tastes.

of course, we never get to see anything of their sex life once they do actually get together on the show—though maybe our fortunes in that regard will change once the reboot gets going—so outside of imagining scenarios in fics, we really can’t say with certainty what they’re like together in the bedroom.

however, we do know that they both report enjoying their sex life immensely—grissom in episode 07x21 “ending happy,” when he talks about how sex with sara makes him happy (and is an expression of love between them), and sara in episode 11x13 “the two mrs. grissoms” when she tells catherine that she and grissom have “great sex.”

given these comments from them and considering their chemistry elsewise and the fact that their views on sex seem to sync up pretty well, i don’t think it’s unreasonable to suppose that their sex life is pretty damn awesome, whatever that means for them.

anyway, thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa has 8 stories at Gossamer, but there are even more X-Files fics at AO3 and her website. She writes Mulder and Scully in a very lovely way. I've recced 3 of my favorites of her fics here before: Bird in Snow, Fall: East on M St, and Skuamorph. Big thanks to Tabula Rasa for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I'm always extremely pleasantly surprised to get kudos (or, very rarely, a comment) on my old fic, but I'm always happy to see it! I did post them all (I think) to AO3. I'm not surprised people are still reading fic, though. It's an iconic show and now with streaming, it's really easy to watch older shows and natural to want fic about them!

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

XF was my first fandom, definitely my first online fandom, and so it will always have a special place in my heart. Also... I had a great time! I stumbled upon and joined the Scullyfic email list by accident, but it was the best thing I could have done. I learned a lot about how to be a writer and how to be in fandom, and those lessons are still important to me. Foundational. Also, in terms of modern fandom drama, XF was more low-key on the drama (although it didn't seem like it at the time!). But I learned something that's always served me well: find like-minded people, and hang out with them. Don't worry about the rest.

Also... you can't control the show, but you kind of can control the canon.

Because of Scully, I ended up taking a forensic anthropology class in university-- and now I have a Master's in a forensic science! Part of the Scully Effect, and proud of it!

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Definitely mostly email list! I never really got the hang of message boards. Posting fic was exhausting, and tbh I never figured out how to work Ephemeral. I checked it every day, though! I loved, after a new episode, everyone sending in their thoughts and reading everyone's experiences together. Fandom was a lot more work back then, tbh!

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

That fic can be just as good, or better, than traditionally published works. There are works of XF fic that have stuck with me for years now, far more than some books I've read. That fan writers can know the characters better than the show writers. The fandom in general was really smart, and mostly more adult than me (I joined fandom when I went away to college, so I always felt at the younger end of the scale. That was good though!).

Also, my first time reading and writing porn. Not gonna lie, I was shocked the first time I accidentally read smut. But I adjusted fast. lol

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I was still a kid (now we would say preteen) when the show premiered- I think in middle school. But I was already into ghosts, aliens, monsters, solving mysteries, and I'd already imprinted on the dynamic thanks to Square One (really)! I was also just old enough to start developing celebrity crushes. Hilariously, I did not twig to the fact that I'm bisexual the entire time I was in XF fandom, despite having enormous crushes on BOTH Mulder and Scully. Ahhhh!

Also, my whole family was into the show, but I was definitely the one with the hyperfixation. I used to take notes and record the episodes as I watched. It just had the right stuff and hit at the right time. And I've always been obsessive.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As a kid I also really liked Star Trek, and someone had given my dad a book about the history of Star Trek, which I read. This included mentions of fandom and fanfic. As soon as I had a private-- and perhaps more importantly fast-- internet connection (in college), I went looking for XF fanfic, and that was that. Hooked immediately. Also I shipped them A LOT so that's what I went looking for.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I tend to not go back to a fandom once I have a new fandom, so I wouldn't say I'm in it. I did hang around the edges for the revival, of course, because I wanted to experience that with the same people, but since the revival was mostly not that great (with a few exceptions), I didn't get pulled back into it. But I still think of the people I knew in the fandom a lot, and always hope they're doing well.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I've never left fandom, and I've been in a BUNCH: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Bandom, Supernatural, now CQL/The Untamed and other Chinese-media fandoms, with many smaller ones in between or on the side. I feel like at their core fandoms tend to be similar, although where you host the fandom makes a big difference: Livejournal, tumblr, twitter. I think that because fandoms now tend to be bigger and more diverse (which is good) there tends to be more wank (which is bad). In some of them I was close to a group of people, some of them not. Honestly the best thing is when someone you know from an old fandom is in your new fandom. It's so much fun. I have really good friends thanks to fandom, and I've had them for YEARS. Like. 15 years.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I tend to focus more on ships than characters, but some of my all-time favs: Scully, Hermione, Sirius Black, Castiel, Lan Wangji, Xie Lian. That's just fandom-oriented ones, otherwise we'd be here all day. :D

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I don't often rewatch episodes any more, although if I come across an ep on tv I might. I definitely still think about them though! For example, I'm a teacher now, and just a couple weeks ago one of my colleagues mentioned he'd heard the students saying they shipped two of their classmates, and he was like "Ship? I don't get it" and I was like "HOO BOY, do I have a story for you!" And I explained how shipping came from XF fandom, and why. That was fun. I definitely still think about Mulder and Scully too-- I mean, they're cultural touchstones, so they do come up sometimes in greater pop culture. Also, I was in Hannibal fandom for a while, and Gillian Anderson is still The Best.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I haven't read XF fic in years, even the ones I remember as being really significant/important to me. I still have my all-time favs saved on an external HD though! Fic in another fandom- every day lol.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Blinded by White Light by DashaK has stuck with me. Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the Ruby-Throated Warbler by I forget I'm so sorry -- that's lasted as my ideal post-canon MSR and as an interesting and different way to tell a story.  [Lilydale note: It’s by rah.] I was always thrilled to see fic by Brandon, JET, MaybeAmanda, Syntax6... and, frankly, everyone on the Scullyfic/ Emuse list. So many talented people in that fandom!

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Things Outside, which is the only thing I've ever written based on a dream, and I'm really satisfied with it. It was hard to write but so much fun to revel in the weirdness. I always kind of wanted to write more because I know a lot more about the situation, but otoh, I like the open, ambiguous ending (usually I am very HEA).

In other fandoms, King & Country in bandom (MCR) and in Supernatural I'm very proud of Hope and Clay. I struggle to write casefics even though I love to read them, but that one really worked out.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I don't think I'll ever write something new. There is an old fic that may be done but it was smut so I was too shy to post it at the time. In theory if I find it and it's decent, I could post it!

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do! I write fic very slowly, but I do write still! I have a million ideas for stories, but I'm so slow at the actual writing part.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I usually take a jumping-off point from canon, or of course, something I need to fix or expand on. Or sometimes I start telling myself a story as I fall asleep and the idea grabs me long enough I can manage to write it.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I was getting into fandom and realized people didn't use their real names. I flipped through my history book looking for inspiration, and decided tabula rasa was a great name for a writer. I tend to add an X because it's rare to get "tabularasa" as a username, and the X is indeed for X-Files (so I'm something like tabulaxrasa most places). I usually go by Tabula Rasa or Tab, though. And I still use it because 1) it IS a great name for a writer; and 2) it's not fandom-specific so I can keep it in every fandom.

I identify with it so much I have answered to this name in class (oops). I have a "Tab" t-shirt (as in the soda, but I have worn it to Comic-Con for ease of ID-- better than a nametag!). And my mom got me a necklace with a "tab" typewriter key as a charm, which I adore. Yes, I have accidental merch of myself.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

As you can tell from the above, my family knows (my family being my parents and sister). They are supportive! I think my mom read a couple stories? But obviously she has to know the fandom to get it... I got my sister into fic, and we even wrote a couple fics together (in Gundam Wing). She's a lot more selective about fandoms, but she's joined fandoms on her own, too. She's just not in one constantly, like me. :p

I tend not to tell not-online friends unless I have felt them out and know they're super fannish, or they bring it up first.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Most of my old fic is now on AO3 and I hang out on twitter a lot, @tabula_x_rasa

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I'm really glad people are still in this fandom! It will always be so important to me. Thank you Lilydale, for this nostalgia trip!

(Posted by Lilydale on March 30, 2021)