#i keep having 2 remind myself most of the time things end up ok

[stinkrascal]

you know what i think i need to take a walk. i think sunlight will cure me

[carriesthewind]

(This is a guide I’ve made for myself. Posting this here in case it is helpful for anyone else.)

“Overreacting.”

I hate that word. For many different reasons. But one of the biggest is that it is not useful. It’s effectively just an insult, because it provides no useful information.*

*Based on the general culture use of the term. No judgment if you personally use it to mean something more specific.

When I start to think or question if I am “overreacting,” here is how I try to redirect instead:

1) Figure out what I am actually doing and feeling (and make a list if necessary). This helps me remember that doing something and feeling something are different things. It also helps distinguish what I actually did already and what I am considering doing in the future, as I sometimes spiral the both together. It also helps ground me and helps me understand my own reaction. It’s especially helpful because the nature of the insult is “I did a bad thing,” and having an objective list reminding me what I actually did is really helpful to keep me from spiraling.

Note: While I find it most useful to follow these three steps in order, the questions within each step are to help guide my process, and may, but do not need to be, answered in the order given.

2) Considering if I have or am harming anyone:

Harming myself: This can include both actions (whether voluntary (e.g. forcing myself to not take a break) or involuntary (e.g. biting myself)) and emotions. Figure out what I can to stop or mitigate the harm. Figure out, to the best of my ability, why I ended up harming myself, to set myself up later to figure out ways to avoid doing so in the future. (E.g., if I had a meltdown, figure out what triggered it, what if any circumstances lead to me be vulnerable to a meltdown, and how I can try to mitigate or avoid doing so in the future.)

Sometimes the harm is something I intentionally choose to mitigate a different harm (e.g. intentionally biting myself as stim rather than screaming at someone). That is ok. It is still important to recognize it is a harm, and to recognize why I did it.

Harming bystanders: Are there people completely unrelated to the situation that I am harming? If so, how? Is there anyway I can stop or mitigate that harm? What responsibility do I have to stop or mitigate that harm?

Harming the person/people I am reacting to: Again, this can include both actions and emotions. Am I harming them, and if so, how? Is there anyway I can stop or mitigate that harm? What responsibility do I have to stop or mitigate that harm?

When I ask these questions, sometimes I can’t answer them because my reaction is some version of, “I don’t care, they hurt me, [so they deserve it/so it’s their responsibility].” Regardless of the truth or falsity of this response, this reaction is not helpful in answering the question, because even if it is the case that the harm someone else suffers is not my responsibility to mitigate (e.g. if I cut off a former friend because they are treating me badly), it’s not good for me to ignore the existence of that harm just because of my own hurt.

HOWEVER, it is useful to recognize that I am experiencing that reaction. I am not wrong or a bad person for having that reaction. Nor is it productive for me to try to push past that reaction and look at things “logically” or “reasonably” or whatever. I cannot make my emotions go away by ignoring them. And also, if I am looking at things from that lens of pain, it often means I can’t distinguish between any retributive anger I am feeling and reasonable self-protection. So if I try to push past my own hurt, I can end up also pushing past my self-protection.

Instead, it’s best to recognize that I am having that reaction, and take it into account when making my decisions moving forward. Having that reaction is not a negative nor unreasonable, it is just useful information to understand my own emotional state. I should also continue to try to check in on that reaction as time passes, to see if it has changed (and if and when it does, take the time to re-evaluate this list).

3) Consider whether my actions were productive. Not all actions (or reactions) need to be productive. But I should try to break down: what are my goals? If I don’t currently have any goals, do I want to make some? Do I want to my reaction or continuing actions to be productive to those goals? Were/are my actions productive to these goals? Were they actively unproductive? If they aren’t productive, what are some productive things I can do (and do I want to do those things)? If they were unproductive, what can I do to mitigate the damage and/or move things in a more productive direction?

[maidragoste]

hello, its your newest nuisance writing to you, but this time...

SPOILERS BELOW IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED YET, DO NOT READDDDD!! I IMPLORE YOU, DO NOT READ!!

....

ok, now that those cautions were taken I hope your day has been well and when you do watch the episode, I hope you I was gonna say find joy, but each episode I become crazier than the last and each episode is either 1/4 good or 3/4 bad.

like Aemond is becoming worse and worse before my eyes, Alicent doesn't even want to go back and is on a religious retreat like some sort of "find myself and meditate" regimen. Rhaenyra is hosting a game show called: "Welcome to the dragon games!! let us see who can claim a dragon and survive!!" Ooooooo!! And she's not even giving a waiver, smh. Like they were told nothing except that they'd possible claim a dragon, like if I left my job/life to die, don't you think I should get a notice?? Also, Ulf is the man he said he was lol.

Jace being man low borns can claim dragons is funny because they have about as much parentage as him lol. They're all bastards like himself, the only difference is those bastards parents didn't have the means to keep them like Rhaenyra did and on most occasions the parents didn't want them so Jace best count his blessings that his mom didn't leave him to the streets and that his grandfather was willing to turn many blind eyes because not everyone had that (Saera we're looking at you sis, because I know you have a multitude of babies running around).

Also, this dragon testing is like in Grey's Anatomy when Meredith and Derek were testing out cure's for tumors like it reminded me of that because in the beginning they had bad results and in the end, they did it and "weeeee, happy ending for alllllll!!" well....except those that died.... Maybe Rhaenyra watches Grey's when she's not kissing everyone on sight??

This episode wasn't bad, but like again, I think it's the writing like whomever is in the writing room needs to stop with the fillers because season 2 was clearly a filler to season 3 where the real events begin, like I get wanting a show to have many seasons, but it should have many seasons if there's cause for it. And I know that Fire and Ice is an unreliable narrator to the plot events so anything could be hypothetically cannon, but like, do we not take ideas from hypotheticals and fill in the gaps? This show is like watching one's own head cannon of events like if that's the case, let me have my turn to write up what's gonna happen next.

But, who am I lol, I'm not a film writer. Welp, thank you again for listening to my rant and you have yourself a marry day.

hey bestie i love reading your opinions of the show episodes. sorry for taking so long to reply i was busy

honestly as an aemond girl and an alicent girl it's painful to watch this season for me 😭😭

you are so right about the Rhaenyra thing. not only did she not give them any direction but she also wouldn't let them leave which is an idiotic move because she was supposed to be looking for a rider for silverwing too ☠️☠️

About Jacaerys in my opinion he is right to be angry and i understand his point of view. i really liked the scene of him facing Rhaenyra. But I admit that at the same time I have mixed feelings because in the book he is the one who comes up with the idea of the dragon seeds

I didn't watch Grey's Anatomy so I don't know what you're talking about lol

The episode was good but I feel like this was a season of transition and as you say instead of following any of the hypotheses of the book the writers are doing what they want 😭😭

I hope you're okay anon, thanks for writing to me 🥰💖

[imzadi-caskett-huddy]

CHARACTER ASK GAME: Kate Beckett, 1-14 (all) + 25., if it's not a problem. :) Thank you!

I'm not gonna lie, I 100% wanted someone to send me this ask about Beckett! Sorry it took a little bit to answer, I'm on vacation so I've been occupied. But here we go!

1. I like this character because she's not perfect. She has flaws, but she still always tries to do the right thing. She's badass. She's strong. She's independent. She's incredibly well written because real people aren't perfect. There are qualities she has that I share. There are qualities she has that I admire and strive to emulate. And... not gonna lie...Stana's portrayal I'm sure has something to do with it as well.

2. Fav canon thing... um...I love that she was a fan of Castle's before they began working together. I also love that she was the youngest woman in the history of the NYPD to make detective. I also love her motorcycle though we never really saw her ride.

3. Least fav canon thing... that she felt she had to try to be separated from Castle in Season 8 to protect him... also she's not great at communication in relationships, like with Castle. Use your words!

4. Any other media... not gonna lie, I would LOVE a SVU/Castle crossover where Beckett and Benson shared time together, either with Benson as her captain, or as the two captains dealing with the men in their lives or their precincts.

5. First song that comes to mind...Superman by 3 Doors Down

6. Something Beckett and I have in common... we both suck at talking about our feelings.

7. Something the fandom does that I like... use her hairstyle to tell the season and sometimes the episode... does that count? This one was hard, lol

8. Something the fandom does that I despise... say her eyes are green in fics. Also there is a fair amount of Beckett hate inside the Castle fandom...I don't understand it.

9. Beckett and I would probably be okay roommates. I keep to myself the way she does. I'm slightly more messy I think than she'd probably like, but we'd most likely get along ok.

10. I could totally be best friends with Kate Beckett! Similar personalities... similar likes...we'd get along great.

11. Um...no. If I'm dating anyone from the world of Castle, it's Castle himself.

12. Headcanon I have...She made her Detective rank in vice. I'm reasonably sure this was never stated in the show, but it's just a strong feeling I have. She's too good at certain aspects of her job to not have come up through the ranks in vice before she became a homicide detective. Also that she was a chronic dater before Castle came along.

13. Emoji... nothing reminds me of her, but if I had to pick one she probably uses a lot, it would be the facepalm because... well... she did marry Castle. And I feel he requires that one a lot.

14. Fashion aesthetic... leather jackets

15. Favorite ship... uh, Caskett, duh!

16. Least fav ship...Josh. Definitely Josh. He was a serious problem who hung around way too long. And I KNOW Marlowe kept him around solely as the reason Castle and Beckett didn't hook up at the end of season 3 in episodes like LA

17. Ship that I don't hate but am fine with...um, there isn't one. She's Castle's girl. I don't like her with anyone else... I'm not fine with her with anyone else.

18. Canon relationship I admire with another character...I love her relationship with Martha. I also love her relationship with Espo, especially in episodes like Kill Shot. And I LOVE Lanie and Kate screentime!

19. Relationship from Canon that I don't like... I don't know that there is one outside of the guys she dated. Not a fan of her dealings with Sorenson, Demming or Josh, but I feel that's pretty standard.

20. Ideal best friend... Lanie is a pretty great girl best friend. Castle is a pretty great guy best friend... which is good considering they got married.

21. Fav thing to do when writing for Beckett is angst. I can't help it...Stana was SO great with those heavy emotional scenes on the show, I love worrying then with her in my head! Something I don't like writing for her is actual police work. I HATE it so much. Also, the few times I've had to write her with Josh drive me crazy too.

22. Something I like in fics when it comes to Beckett is having her call Castle "Rick" sparingly. He calls her Kate way more than she calls him Rick... it should start like that in fics. Something I don't like... and I touched on it earlier... is when writers say she has green eyes. Her eyes are not green. Also, when writers have her just stay crying over everything... Kate is not a random emotional crier. You have to do a lot to get her to re m that point... she's not going to cry over an argument or something small.

23. Fav pic... oh no. No way can I narrow this down.

24. I'm not sure there is another character from another fandom that reminds me of Beckett. She's pretty one of a kind. She's definitely one of the best written characters in TV history, and she towers over everyone else in my list of favorite characters because she's so unique.

25. My first impression of this character was that she has great hair, awesome leather jackets that I want, and that she's a badass hero who at times I see a lot of myself in. Also that she's a fighter. Now after watching the show beginning to end, my impression was pretty spot on. Though I would add I discovered her softer side (I initially saw the show before they got together, so before the Kate side of her personality was really fleshed out). And she's stronger than I initially realized.

These were fun, thanks for asking!

[alwida10]

Bestie, you keep talking about the viewership article of Loki for ages. When will you put it up? I'm going insane with people claiming its the best thing ever

Ahhhh 😱 my bad conscience learned to send Tumblr asks!!!! 😱😱 /joke

And yes. You got me there. 😭 after season 2 ended, I told myself it was necessary to wait a bit so the Google Trends graphs wouldn’t look so chopped off, and ended up procrastinating the post because I never wanted to think about *that* show ever again. 😭

But yes - be assured - while the defenders of the show are often vicious and try to make it look like it was generally loved, the stats paint another picture. (The same was true for season 1, though. I recommend taking a look at this amazing analysis posted on Reddit.) For now, let’s take the rough overview of season 2 from Google Trends here.

Google Trends only provides relative graphs (=percentages of a maximum), but in a way this makes it even better. The public interest in Loki peaked with season 1 (airing from 09. June - 14. July 2021). Season two (5. October - 9. November 2023) sparked about half of the interest. Overall, that’s a pretty clear picture season 2 lost a lot of viewer interest.

But let’s look into the details, meaning the single episodes. Here we have the first three ones (released on the 5th, 12th and 19th October).

Each episode marks a small peak in interest. Typically, the interest decreases over a season, so the first episode being the biggest hit is no surprise. The decrease however is. As a reminder: season 1 suffered a 30% decrease in viewership between episodes 1 and 3, which was considered horrible at the time. While this graph does not reflect viewership but Google searches, the decrease between episodes 1 and 3 is still 50%. (Also, I kinda prefer Google stats to viewership stats since they reflect how much real interest the series managed to create, leaving out all those people who mindlessly consumed the series without thinking further. It does however have the bias that an incomprehensible plot might inflate the numbers because people look for explanations online.)

The first peak in the next pic is again episode 3, followed by 4 (26. October), 5 (2. November), and the last episode (9. November). It’s easily visible that the finale has created the most interest. Sadly, Google Trends did not provide a graph where all the episodes could be compared, but based on the fact that the episode 3 peak was half as high as the one for episode 1, we can estimate that the episode 1 peak would have been at approximately 55-60% in this graph.

So why is that interesting? The two most interesting episodes were the opening and the finale. That’s not that unusual, but in the end, it still burns down to the fact that people kinda tuned out in between. I wouldn’t exclude the possibility that the major questions regarding Loki’s future (is he dead now? Can people visit him? How did this work?) inflated the peak for the finale.

Ok, but what about the actual views?

Well, I can never compete with thochi-1’s analysis, but I’ll do my best. But first this gem:

So, apparently, the 50% drop in Google Trends is associated with a 39% drop in viewed minutes.

For the overall season, the Hollywood reporter says this:

Summarized: only two-thirds of viewers from season 1 returned for season 2. The ones who did return showed about 15% less engagement in googling our beloved god of mischief.

I have another, personal reason to find that little fact particularly interesting. In the Loki survey, 26% of all respondents indicated they disliked the show. At the time of the survey, some people assumed this number to be falsely inflated, because I was more active in the “anti-series fandom”. Given the viewing numbers of season 2, I feel sadly validated. After all, the drop of 35% is even higher than my estimates.

[foxes-that-run]

Now that we don't talk

In the 2012-2014 timeline our girl went through it in the space a week. It’s like an emotional advent calendar and we get the prizes:

Sunday:  Harry misses his flight because he didn’t have his passport. Keep Driving: “Passports in foot wells”

Monday: New Year’s Eve 2012 – The world’s most public kiss

Tuesday:  New Year’s Day & they leave for the Virgin Islands

Wednesday: Taylor's hair pinned up for Right where you left me

Thursday: (maybe) Maroon's hickie & the wine soaked dress

Friday: Taylor's boat trip Say don’t go and Is it Over now?

Saturday (maybe) From the Dining Table, then Harry goes to Richard Branson’s island …and that’s what you missed on Glee.

Update: Thank you @this-daydream-is-dangerous-13 and their ace detective skills, NTWDT is copyrighted 2014, so updated here, the old post is here.

In the voice memo Taylor says:

Now that we don't talk is one of my favorite songs that was left behind it was so hard to leave it behind but I think we wrote it a little bit towards the end of the process and we couldn't get the production right at the time. I think it's the shortest song I've ever had but I think it packs a punch I think it really goes in for the short amount of time we have I think it makes its point.

The last tracks were between January 2014 (Say don't go) and 19 February 2014 (Style).

The period they didn't talk was a minimum of 3 weeks to the NRG awards, in HYGTG she said 6 months which is June.

For context, Harry was 18 and it appears all he did was post photos in a hot tub. It was a s***ty thing to do, but when the song was finally written they were freshly back together and he wrote Stockholm Syndrome with:

"Who's this man that's holding your hand and talking 'bout your eyes? (Oh-oh-oh) / Used to sing about being free but now he's changed his mind (Oh-oh-oh)"

From then he was then a giggling BF he's adopting kittens and continued to sing about her eyes for another 10 years.

Lyrics [Verse 1] You went to a party I heard from everybody You part the crowd like the Red Sea Don't even get me started Did you get anxious though On the way home? I guess I'll never, ever know Now that we don't talk

She did hear from everybody, it was huge news.

'Did you get anxious on the way home' got me in the feels, in New Years Day she talked of him squeezing her hand three times in the backseat to say it will be OK. This breaks my heart so much to think that song and this are about 1 week.

[Verse 2] You grew your hair long You got new icons And from the outside It looks like you're tryin' lives on I miss the old ways You didn't have to change But I guess I don't have a say Now that we don't talk

2 weeks after Taylor left on a boat, Harry acquired his Butterfly Tattoo on 22 January. A week later they saw each other for the first time on 27th January at the NRG Awards in Paris. The Cannes sunset photos are from the hotel they both stayed in. Part 2 of also within a week:

[Chorus] I call my mom, she said that it was for the best Remind myself, the morе I gave, you'd want me less I cannot bе your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost And what it cost, now that we don't talk

Bless Andrea Swift all she has given this world, most especially for comforting Taylor when 18 year old’s pop stars hang out with billionaires. Everytime I hear this I imagine Andrew saying "put it in a song!"

They later did bury the hatchet People now reports them as friends. They have also sung about their chemistry in relation to that friendship though in Delicate, nice to have a friend and Fine Line. [Verse 3] What do you tell your friends we Shared dinners, long weekends with? Truth is, I can't pretend it's Platonic, it's just ended, so

Harry and Taylor shared (and continued to) share a lot of friends, to me this line is similar to Maroon where she refers to Rubies she gave up, the Junior Jewels shirt refers to her friends as jewels.

Taylor and Harry go on to have a discography just about this very line, can they be friends when they have such great chemistry? I have a list in Glitch

[Outro] I don't have to pretend I like acid rock Or that I'd like to be on a mega yacht With important men who think important thoughts Guess maybe I am better off now that we don't talk And the only way back to my dignity Was to turn into a shrouded mystery Just like I had been when you were chasing me Guess this is how it has to be now that we don't talk

Harry has diverse music tastes, but does love Pink Floyd and has a Grateful Dead ring he wears often.

To me the shrouded mystery line is a mystery, Taylor was ending the Red World Tour and later in the year embarked on the most active publicity of her career and 1989 World Tour, but in the moment I guess. She and Harry did not speak for some months, by the end of the year they were saying they were on good terms and based on later songs we know were back together before the end of 2013

[dinomite2]

Fem Agent 3 x Female Octarian Reader (platonic)

Again I asked @sodapoppss for a request and here we are again so enjoy 👍

Also fun fact! if you have the physical copy of splatoon 2 and or 3 behind the logo when you open the case is a special box art which you can flip around at any time

This all takes place after the octo expansion when 8 defeated tarter

● It all started right when after 3 defeated DJ Octavio and all of the Octarians were taken out of their mind control along with yourself

● everything felt so ... free to you being released from mind control and all that but beyond all of that you unexpectedly got lost and ended up in deep sea metro

● 3 was going on a expedition in the deep sea metro after the whole fiasco with Agent 8 and commander Tartar and saving the entirety of inkopolis square and all of its people

● 3 was just looking around hallways and entrances and until that she found you and nearly splatting you because she thought that you were a sanitized octoling but she eventually took you up to the surface and took you in and now you live with her!

● she eventually had to show you the square and what it stores it had what weapons and how things work around here

● now she's a agent who saved a whole entire city from a major power problem and fought a giant robot ridden by old Octarian leader so if you want to she'll train you! By making you do chores.....

"ok so you want to be a Rough and tough agent like me do ya?"

You nodded with eagerness

3 smiled softly

"Ok so I all of my dirty laundry washed and folded by 12:30 am do I make myself clear?"

"Wha-"

She threw you a large pileful of nasty laundry on your hands and the smell of was so stinky your eyes were watering and you held your breath

*Mmhmm!"

● now Don't get her wrong she is training you but in the of way that it will strangely help you in the long run kind of training

● please at some point remind her to take a shower she doesn't focus on her own personal hygiene because she an agent and just cause she pretty much forgets about it daily and if she doesn't make her

● and also she keeps a good watch on you because since you are still kinda new to the surface and i would be dumb of her to not watch you do stuff that is EXTREMELY dumb

" Hey Y/n have you seen the TV remote anywhe- ARE YOU EATING METAL" 3 screamed out

"Yeah 4 said I needed to increase my iron " you said still biting on pure metal

...

"Be right back " she said irritated with gritted teeth and walking backwards as she closed the door

she lectured 4 for 3 hours after that

Now overall she will take care of you but must take of her yourself it's a kind of win win for both of ya.

And Done! Im sorry it's not long as my other ones but I hope you all can enjoy again stay cool stay safe and most importantly be on the nice side Dudes 👍

[aurora-daily]

Maybe this is a silly question to ask, and I know the people who run this blog are very busy, but I was wondering what your thoughts were!

Aurora has said each album she plans on making is going to be different from the things she's made before. It SEEMS like she's getting ready for her next evolution!! Different styles of clothes worn in shows. New merch drop with the weirdos and warriors! Do you have any thoughts on where we may be headed? Any theories or things you hope happen?

Thank you guys so much for all the hard work you do keeping us up to date here. Love you!!

Hello, lovely warrior!

It's actually a very good question and I appreciate the way you treated my time here and overall your consideration! <3

I have already answered a question on Step3 last February [link] but everything that went on since then and the newer interviews made me think of other speculiations.

It might still be Step 3 in a way how suddenly Step 1 and 2 are re-released + new redisign still has hints towards these eras + her current outfits hint more towards the past + new merch style might be a hint + the long ago pinned post with the dragon might be a hint as well. I can't understand for sure whether it was Step 3 that she referred to as an album for dealing with the grief with a song ‘A Different Kind of Human’ being a hint towards the direction (and I would personally need such album the most after what I have been going through) but either way the mood of the upcoming album will be opposite:

“It is crazy […] that our worth is defined by something we can measure in numbers. Like our fortune, our followers or our weight or our height. It’s just crazy how we let these numbers decide so much, when they are so meaningless. I’m heading towards this direction on my next album again. So my fifth album… or fourth… is this my third? (laughs) Well, my next album is going to be inspired by this. And this album now ("The Gods We Can Touch") is kind of a bridge over to that. It’s about reminding ourselves of the value we have within us, about the powers we have. Love, and also it’s all about the small, simple things. It has nothing to do with our phones, with success, even with God. It’s just you and me, right here, right now. We’re just floating on a rock in space, so it doesn’t matter if I have a pimple on my cheek today. Because – who cares? It’s about thinking really big and really small at the same time (laughs).”

- AURORA on her next album in the interview for FastForward Magazine by Gabi Rudolph (January 27th, 2022)

It will be a really fun album *smiles widely*.”

- AURORA on her next album in the interview for ba.no, translated by aurora.puppet (February 2nd 2022)

“A Little Place Called The Moon" is the perfect ending. You have to wait so long for the final release where I finally come in again. I like the patience of it, it offers you one last breath before it all ends and disappears into the sky. And it’s a really good bridge to my next album. No [I can’t tell a bit more about it]!

AURORA on a significance of “A Little Place Called The Moon” as the connection to the next album in the interview for Official Charts (January 26th 2022)

"People like, or aliens like, I don't know myself... Ok, creatures like yourself that sing together in harmony, it's very gorgeous isn't it? I have started my next album! It has a lot of people's voices."

- AURORA before performing "The Innocent" @ Paradiso, Amsterdam (September 3rd 2022)

And there's something very interesting about a possible on that album song:

"I have a song out there I think that has taken me 10 years, this is the longest. It will be on my next album, it has taken so many years. But finally I've gone through what I wrote about. For the first time, so I understand the song more, as from the inside it was easier. So one song for my next album."

- AURORA in an open interview session with Bergen Bibliotek filmed by abaddonna (November 3rd 2022)

It is certainly connected to the song she has already described in 2016:

"I have a song now that I've been working on since I was 16, but I haven't found the right words to finish it. I know it will be a good song when it's perfect, but I'm just looking for one line in the fourth verse to complete it. And in four years, I haven't found that line yet."

- AURORA in an interview for Vice (March 11th 2016)

Whatever AURORA has in store I'm impatiently looking forward to this, I believe and see her artistic growth and that excites me a lot!

- Nikol

[djservo]

cutting it soo close to the wire oopsie but i'm here!! 2023 is out, 2024 is in. also in: your december reading update? did you hit 50 books read? what are your 2024 reading goals, anything that suprised you about your 2023 reading other than falling in love with Dennis Cooper?

I read 12 books last month man it was a blur!!

ok there's just too many for me to indulge in any rambling so I'm gonna try and keep things short n sweet

Nana Vol. 1-3 by Ai Yazawa - I was never really into manga growing up but this is like exactly the type of story and style I wanna wrap myself up in always!! so much fun!! the rumors are true, I love a roommate story!!! I read each one in a single sitting so I wanna pace myself thru the rest of the series so that I don't spoil + finish it all at once </3

Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury - honestly not as fantastical as I was expecting for some reason but it reminded me of Coraline which was fun! I could see Neil Gaiman getting inspo from this (edit: literally just looked it up and yes Gaiman indeed cites him as a direct influence yup yup)

Out of Time by Samira Azzam - something almost Steinbeck-like in these vignettes of everyday life in a very culturally-specific way that I really enjoy. really insightful introduction that mentioned how although most her stories didn't explicitly mention Palestine, they still were recognizable as a Palestinian existence + therefore shaped a sort of Palestinian consciousness for readers that were often blocked from accessing their own culture in academic settings

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison - I can't believe it took me this long to read something by Toni Morrison / that I never read her in any English classes?? like she seems so foundational to the grand scheme of American literature.... ridiculous! so phenomenal and gripping and darker than I expected. not just an engrossing story but also a really intentional and haunting use of language that really sinks you into that world/shifting perspectives

Tasting the Sky: A Palestinian Childhood by Ibtisam Barakat - this is like the only Palestinian book my local library has (shameful!) so I checked it out on a whim and was so surprised at what an amazing memoir this is!!! touching and vibrant and left me so eager to read her follow-up memoir based around her teenage years. I feel like this is a great introduction to Palestinian literature in general bc while it does (obviously) tie in the history and reality of occupation, the amount of love & detail given to the everyday things - merely going to school or playing with her brothers - was so enlightening and relatable

Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris - the first/main story, SantaLand Diaries, is still one of my favorites - I love stories about odd jobs + boy does Sedaris have so many tales to tell about those!! reread this in one sitting before I sent it off to a friend who seems to find herself in a new odd job each year so I figured she'd resonate

Gaza in Crisis and On Palestine by Noam Chomsky & Ilan Pappé, edited by Frank Barat - 2 separate books but I'll talk about them together since they're companion pieces. surprisingly accessible, probably due to the format of essays mixed with interviews. On Palestine echoed a lot of the sentiments of Gaza in Crisis so I'd recommend On Palestine for a sort of "updated" version (and in my opinion, more thorough). a good stepping stone for some of the meatier/more history-dense books on my TBR

Like Water For Chocolate by Laura Esquivel - yknow the thing about recipe bloggers who will intersperse their super personal life story into the recipe? this is like a whole book of that it's kinda iconic... honestly a little juvenile and ridiculous at times but I had a fun + have made hot chocolate every single day since reading this which literally wasn't even one of the recipes included/the title itself comes from like 1 short part towards the end but still... Ms. Esquivel's impact... the movie adaptation was really well done too, captured the magical realism surprisingly well without making things look hokey + Man I just love food in film!!!

Good Sense & the Faithless by Michelle T. Clinton - beautiful sexy thoughtful angry hopeful healing.... I really love her and I'm glad I ended the year with this!!

YES I surpassed by goal which honestly did surprise me bc if you recall I sliced my 50 down to 36 a few months ago because 50 didn't seem feasible at the time, but I guess the lesson is to never underestimate winter reading!! still I'm playing it safe and declaring 40 as my 2024 goal... for now.... a few weeks ago I made a little reading syllabus for the year where each month is a different theme (except for january + august to give myself some time to get the wiggles/impulsive reads out ya know) and I mostly sourced from books I already own or books in my TBR so I'm really excited to have more structure to my reads + actually get through some of the books in my ever-growing TBR!! shameful and embarrassing that it's nearly at 1k books like GOD just READ them, woman!!! I think I'm also surprised at how many graphic novel collections I read (3!) which maybe shouldn't be that surprising bc I always have a good time with graphic novels but I think these particular reads opened the door to a buncha different authors and artists and literary circles which ofc I'm always grateful for! yay reading!!

[trashpandacraft]

tour de fleece (crash)

ok, so the tour de fleece ended, and i...did not do so great. i did really well for the first bit, and then we went to sheep and wool. and sheep and wool was amazing and delightful and i had an amazing time, but also: i'm disabled, and the crash from putting out that much energy was, uh, intense. i basically couldn't do anything for a week, and even spinning on my eel wheel in bed was too much to manage.

so i didn't. i picked up over the weekend, the last two days of the tour, and (very slowly) managed to spin some lovely rambouillet that i think will stay a singles—we'll see what it looks like after it's had a week to chill out on the bobbin.

(yeah, there's a couple little pigtaily bits, but (1) i literally finished the spin about thirty seconds before taking this photo, and (2) i prefer to spin at very low tension for most things, so it doesn't always wind on evenly. i suspect they'll go away.)

i'm not thrilled about how this ended for me, but when i made my tour de fleece plans, we hadn't decided to go to bendigo yet, so they were sort of overly ambitious. i also, uh, thought that the tour de fleece ran the entirety of july, and not just the first three weeks? so i thought that i had more time that i did, right until i started seeing people posting about the final stretch and went WAIT WHAT?

goals (link to original) and how they went:

spin a chunky yarn. i absolutely did not do this, and didn't even really think about it. i may just...keep not doing it. i still don't enjoy chunky yarns. maybe that's fine.

spin a singles yarn. see above! this one actually worked out ok, i think. i'm pretty sure it's going to stay a singles, and at minimum, it could stay a singles if i wanted it to.

spin some sock yarn. i didn't expect to finish this in july, but actually, yes i did! unwashed, it's about 25 wpi, which i'm pleased with. (it'll puff up some, but it's fairly firm, so i think not a ton.) unfortunately, i once again succumbed to the fallacy that i knit socks from 100g of commercial yarn, so 100g of fibre should be plenty for socks! it. is not. i think that washed up, i'll have about 225m, which might be enough for like, ankle socks. i'm gonna try, anyhow, but next time i say the words 'spinning for socks', someone please remind me that i want to spin at least 150g.

spin a breed i've never spun before. not a breed, and not much of it, but i actually did spin some bamboo fibre this month, and that's the first time i spun it and it wasn't a blend, so i think that counts.

spin this chunk of polwarth i dyed a few weeks back and am desperate to get my hands into. this was a just-for-fun addition that i absolutely did not get to, and am mad about. it's probably what i'm spinning next.

dye some wool in colours i don't usually use—the red-orange-yellow end of things. this was meant to be my second dye of the month, but didn't happen—the spin above is from fibre i dyed a couple years ago. i think it'll still happen in the near future, as my kid picked up a spindle at sheep and wool, and they fuckin love orange.

dye something brightly coloured. this one happened! i dyed some grey and white merino into a vivid purple. i'm thinking about blending in a little silk and sparkle.

make 20 rolags with hand cards. hahaha ha hahahaha no. i think i made four. the rolags will continue until the rolags improve, but i did not meet this goal even a little

stretch goals:

spin a four ply. surprisingly, yes! the sock yarn mentioned above is four ply, and i'm pretty pleased with it. i would, obviously, be more pleased if i'd remembered the whole density issue, but it's a very consistent four-ply sock weight, so i'm calling it a win.

spin a textured yarn. i did not do this. maybe later? maybe not, honestly. i feel like i should like textured yarns and chunky yarns and art yarns, but in my heart, i just don't. i'm impressed when other people make them, but maybe that's not reason enough to make them myself.

ok, spelling it all out like that makes me feel a little less bad. at no point did i say that i couldn't combine goals, so i achieved exactly half of those things. which isn't great, but isn't as bad as i thought. maybe next year i'll remember that 'do things you don't enjoy' doesn't really make for fun challenges for yourself, too.

[ragtimeboy]

Why do you make your art ugly on purpose? /nm

I think it's really cool, I just wanna know if there's a reason behind it :0

Long post, tldr at the end

I've been sitting on this ask for awhile while I thought of a way to voice my views on "ugliness" and I have 2 very contradictory paths concerning it. One is that I find objects, features, and animals that are considered ugly or repulsive very cute and endearing, I love leaches, crooked or missing teeth , lazy eyes, maggots, scars, and asymmetry. Cockroaches are my favorite animal. These things are a part of existing, a part of life and of the body and therefore they hold just as much importance as the things that are usually considered beautiful. I want to showcase the beauty i see in the world, in the body, in the people I love regardless of how others might see them. Maybe you can learn to love those things that makes everyone unique even if it isn't glamorous.

Content/trigger warning: irl bodily harm, suicide, murder, irl illness and death

Second is the representational value of the "ugly truth" the denial of fabricated peace or beauty. I do not like my feelings spared, I don't like to be told a mistruth for the sake of closure or comfort. I want to see the world how it is, not a clean sanitized version of it. My most profound moments of human connection are the brief times when people give me the gritty details, sharing their knowledge and experiences that are sickening and morbid. The details of my dad's wife's patient in brain injury with his nose and frontal lobe blown off from a gun under his chin, the motorcycle car crash my neighbor died in at the end of my street hours after it happened, the two kids he left behind, the pool of blood on the sidewalk I walked by everyday. The murder in self defence my ex committed. The time the elderly man I cared for got stabbed for heroin. The most horrible things everyone has seen when I trained to be an EMT, the decapitations, the inconceivable ways a human body can be broken. The details of my friend's suicide, all of them, I wanted to know. In those moments of grief and horror I feel like I am truly seeing the whole picture, truly a part of humanity even in the darkest moments, because someone is sharing the pain with me, because for just a moment we can look at each other and feel the same loss, the same disgust and emptiness, the shared hopelessness that reminds me that hope exists and it's omnipresent.

I don't talk about myself a lot and that's on purpose, I think for the most part my work speaks for itself, anything you need to know is painted out on watercolor paper. My little sister was born with an autoimmune disorder that liquified her body for 10 years, I watched her tiny body fall apart, watched it rot while she lived. (She's ok now, she's a theater kid which is worse). For most of my serious work I put the viewer in my shoes, the relationship between the snuff film star and the audience, neither existing without the other, the relationship of suffering and the witness of suffering, the stripped down bare basics of empathy, of understanding another. The annihilation of comfort, the denial of escapism, the confrontation with the ugly, the sickening, it's a part of my experience and in the same fashion as I want to be told the truth I offer you the same grace. Reality, gritty and vile is part of the deal, to experience joy and fulfillment you have to open yourself up for agony, and maybe agony isn't the worst thing that can happen. Maybe we stare into the dark and see the worst possible past, present and future and we keep going, we keep living despite it. We have to.

Sorry if this is long, I'll try to tag all the potential triggers in this but please dm me if I missed one.

Tldr I think ugly is beautiful because it's unique and I like to know the truth even if it's sad and gross

[bisluthq]

https://www.tumblr.com/bisluthq/760849091467067392/yeah-i-agree-but-taylor-doesnt-seem-to-like-to?source=share

The whole "Taylor doesn't relax" thing reminds me of how sad the Speak Now era quotes from the Lover Journals make me:

Oct 8, 2010

"Music has helped me a lot lately. It helps me quiet my very loud fears. I love mornings like that, smiling and talking to strangers, waving to fans, and they burst into tears and screams.. All before noon... I get stage fright every time I walk onto a stage now. I wish it wasn't so, but I can't blame my mind for freaking out about performances. Criticism of my performances has been the biggest source of pain in my life. I sometimes feel like my college degree is in acting like i'm ok when i'm not."

Jun 17, 2011

"Something so unexpected and amazing has happened recently.. I've become blissfully happy with my life. Like, actually grateful for every second of the day... I really do need to create in order to live and feel worthwhile... This ridiculous thing happens to me when i'm this happy. I start feeling like karma will balance it all out by making something tragic happen. But i'm trying to just show gratitude as much as I can. Everyday, every minute, I'm grateful for being happy right this moment. I think I'm a summer person. I'm also a work person. Tour gives me something to pour myself into and a reason to feel ok about sleeping in till noon on my days off."

Sep 8, 2011

"I can't even tell you how alive and worthwhile i feel when I'm writing a new song and I finish it and people like it. It's the most fulfilling feeling, like getting an A+ on your report card."

Oct 30, 2011

"I've had a chest infection for the last few days, so singing has been so hard... I almost cancelled tonight's show, but I made it through... We only have 9 shows left on this tour and I'm ready for a break... I'm just so glad to have a few days off. (ok... 2)"

Mar 2, 2012

"I've been thinking a lot about getting older and relevancy and how all my heroes have ended up alone... I wrote a song and it's called 'Nothin New' and it's about being scared of aging and things changing and losing what you have. It says "I'm getting older and less sure of what you like about me anyways". And in the chorus it says "how can a person know everything at 18, and nothing at 22? And will you still want me... when I'm nothing new" It's a really vulnerable song, but I think it's important to say."

--

Idk. There's just something about a lot of observably unhealthy patterns seemingly developing around this time. Also the comments surrounding "needing to create to feel worthwhile" make me sad, since she's said later that for 6 months before writing Red (so late 2010/Early 2011) she couldn't write anything due to a "particular toxic relationship" *cough* Jake Gyllenhaal *cough*. Anyway. She’s clearly been "doing it with a broken heart" for a long ass fucking time.

yup. And that’s why I say like if this one doesn’t work out (I hope it does) I’d like her to ACTUALLY take time off and be single for a while and deal with her own shit.

okay so story time right because I keep saying this applies to me, and it does, but I do feel like I need to break the pattern and my current bf and I are doing unchartered territory for me like going to couples therapy and whatnot. My friend (the technophobe biokineticist who dated my bf’s close friend) was round the other day and having a whole ass meltdown right because she drank too much (which was on her because it was inappropriate because I had ONE light beer while she was here and my bf didn’t have anything because he thought we might have to drive her home and her car was here so we both needed to be like present yk) and she was going on and on about how she wants to be single until December (which we think is a very solid choice for her) and ergo she was upset her brother told her his friends find her hot (here’s where we lost her train of thought) because her brother and his friends are in their 30s and she’s in her 40s (like my bf also so it was hitting a nerve for us both) and she was going on and on about this and we were like “so would you rather 30 somethings don’t find you hot???” And she was like “no but I want to stay single until December!!!” and we were like “okay so do that lmao a dude finding you hot while you’re out isn’t asking to marry you?” and she was like “yes but I hate that all I’m good for is sex” and we were like “wait so do you want to fuck the 30something or nah because you don’t have to but also he’s a big boy and yes he probably doesn’t look at a 40something and plan marriage and kids right if he’s not stupid but also age gap relationships happen at our age and don’t feel that dramatic so which do you want???” And she was just like “you guys can’t understand” supposedly because he’s a man and I’m in my 30s and maybe that’s true. But all I keep thinking is my bestie evidently pencilled in FUCK DAY on December 5th lol 😂😂😂😂 and that to me is not being single or figuring yourself out at alllll lol.

[arty-ffxiv]

💖Just a gentle nudge to remind you that you're not just existing—you're thriving, even on days when it doesn't feel that way. You're a one-of-a-kind force in this world, bringing light and love in ways you might not even realize. You've overcome so much, and you should be proud of every step you've taken, no matter how small. The world is better with you in it, and you've already made such a difference just by being you. Keep going, keep growing, and never forget how important you are💖

Thank you, who ever you are. This message warmed my heart and has been a well needed reminder ♥

I've not advertised it much, but I've been on a FFXIV/ Tumblr hiatus for the past ~5ish weeks; this blog has been running on old, queued content since then. I'm feeling quite drained and burned out, and frustrated as I'd just gotten back into my creative outlets again.

It's the longest time I've taken away from the game, and I didn't want to step away so soon from the FFXIV Tumblr community again after returning from another long hiatus.

Putting more under the cut, for those interested in IRL stuff. Otherwise, please know that I'm ok, just taking a break.

I've been in a bit of a strange place mentally, since before Dawntrail dropped.

In the week leading up to the expac's early access release, I was made redundant from a job role that I really loved. I'd been in limbo regarding my role for a number of months, and hadn't anticipated any movement or news for at least another few months- things move slowly in the community services world.

I had a week of annual leave booked for the expansion release- I was keen for the break, and excited to be going into the new adventure with the new friends I'd made within the Tumblr FFXIV community.

2 days before I was due to go on leave, I was told I was having a meeting with HR and my line manager. I was advised to bring a support person.

My anxiety sky rocketed, and the next day I was given the news of my redundancy. I was given some options to mull over for the next few days- redeployment to another site, putting in an application for a more senior role with no guarantee I'd be successful, or to leave the organization.

As you can imagine, this put a big dampener on my excitement for Dawntrail. I'm grateful that the news came when it did, so at least my leave was spent with something to focus on instead of just moping about, but it just fucking sucked.

I was spending most of my time on leave in game, trying to keep my mind off work and the mess of emotions and confusion I knew I'd be coming back to. I enjoyed the expac- at least the first half. I wasn't emotionally prepared, or ready, for the second half.

I won't be going into details for those who have yet to finish the MSQ, nor to upset myself further.

The second half of the story was just too much; I spent my time in the last zone consumed with the thoughts of I'm not having fun anymore, I'm not enjoying this, let's just rip this fucking bandaid off and get through it, we can process all the feelings this is dredging up for us later.

Since finishing the MSQ, I've not really done much else in-game or really logged in again. I've been reflecting on it, and I think the ending of the expac triggered some deep-seated traumas for me. This, coupled with the grief and mixed emotions of moving into a new work environment, has really exhausted me.

I'm 5 weeks into my new workplace, and I'm enjoying it but am just so exhausted. While I'm still in the same organization, my workload is more than it was previously and I've lost the motivation I'd only recently gotten back for FFXIV and creating.

Hopefully now that I've gone through the motions of resettling and learning the ropes in this new space, my creativity will begin to come back. I can only hope.

[nitewrighter]

Some more asks for the ask game!

7. your preferred writing fonts?

18. if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

27. favorite part of the writing process?

7. Preferred writing fonts?

Helvetica neue. I think it's just the default on my word processor? I've never really bothered poking around for a different font.

18. if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

Ok so this is from my most recent fic, A Cat in Time:

Selina’s face was burning. She was on the verge of hyperventilating. She felt strong fingers close around her shoulders.  “Selina—” his voice dropped and oh fuck you it was him. “Selina, just… give me a minute—” “No! You don’t get to do this to me! I don’t want you to be him!” Selina blurted out. “Which of us are you talking to?” asked Bruce. “Fuck off!” Selina exclaimed, and then she crumpled in on herself, dropping into a huddled little ball of a person. “I don’t want to be a person. I want to be a predator. I want to eat and tear the throats out of shit.” “I know,” said Bruce. “No you don’t!” said Selina. “I love you,” said Bruce. Selina peeked out over her own forearm, “Which of you is saying that?” He thought for a few seconds. “I don’t think it matters.” Both. “Selina—I need you, I need you in every capacity of who you are,” his voice started breaking, “But if I need you, that becomes a reason for people to hurt you. But I’m not me without you. I shouldn’t define who you are. I don’t want to define who you are.” She clasped her hands on the sides of his face. “You’ve never defined me, you fucking moron.”

So this was what I started writing after the initial Bruce Identity reveal in that fic. Like, the chapter would have flowed into this after that "All too familiar lower half of his face" line, before I caught myself and realized I had vamped up way too hard and way too fast for Selina, got WAY too melodramatic with the body language and Bruce was getting too meta, too. (and also how much of this was me, the author, and my desire to fucking violently shake Bruce around like a limp muppet while yelling "It's not about you!! It's not about you!!!" even though the story is also very much about him?) It also reminded me too much of an old identity reveal between Spider-Man and Black Cat and Black Cat's subsequent freak-out.

Anyway I also just--really liked the beat of the identity reveal itself, so I scrapped all that, and cut that chapter off there. Still, Selina basically pulling an "idiot sandwich" move with Bruce is at the back of my mind.

It's also funny to me because like... this basically means that I initially wrote Selina lowkey going into "Fight" instinct at the Bruce reveal, then thought better on it and basically wrote her going into "Flight" instinct instead.

27. favorite part of the writing process?

I love when, in the process of polishing/refining what I already have, I basically find that one little thread that goes like "OHHHHHH" and ends up pumping out like the whole next chunk of the story in a fever pitch. Like, usually I'll be rereading what I currently have and then get a, "Oh--OH!!!" and just start hammering. It's kind of a two steps forward one step back sort of thing. I really do love that bit of writing advice where it's like, "If you hit a block, you actually hit a block 2 paragraphs back" except for me it's less about blocks and more about... finding footholds while rock climbing.

[anjumbai]

Before the Coffee Gets Cold: Tales from the café by Toshikazu Kawaguchi

"We can never truly see into the hearts of others. When people get lost in their own worries, they can be blind to the feelings of those most important to them."

I picked up the second book. Unintentionally. Not my fault, ok. I was just picking up book from Islamia Library and I thought I do need a short story book so I picked this one up. Without realizing that the first book was right next to it. Silly me, but anyways.

Funiculi Funicula, a coffee shop in Tokyo, one can travel back in time once served coffee by one of the girls of the Tokita family. There are a few rules including: 1. the person you're about to meet should've visited the cafe at least once, 2. you cannot change the present no matter how you try or what you try, 3. you must sit in the one chair assigned to travelers and you cannot leave it once you're in the past or future and 4. you must finish the coffee before it gets cold. Forgive me if I missed any.

The following rules bring up a lot of questions and the most significant one in my mind was that "can I simply not take something like a heater to keep it warm?" and the book simply replies no you cannot. Which is fine, because it's a magical realism book and I do not wanna question the laws of time travel behind it. The rules provide us with a beautiful sequence of short stories that probably can be read as standalones. I'm not saying this because I bought the second book first don't look at me.

While it can be read as standalones, the cast of the cafe owners and workers remain the same and I think they are a good addition to this long series of books. It provides you with a familiarity, that each time you pick a new book, there are people you can recognize, there are people to return to. Which is why book series work so great, that feeling of familiarity. The recurring faces of the cafe are Nagare, his daughter, the absolutely adorable Miki and the heavy hearted Kazu, who we sympathize greatly at the end of this book.

I'll take this moment to talk about my favourite character, Miki. The six year old girl turning seven in the final half of the book, who made me smile tremendously every time she entered the room. She sometimes becomes French, changes her attitude towards other in a way a child would when they learn new things, and she is filled with impatience and hope to be the next pourer of the coffee, to let people go to the past. She probably just wants to feel important and that's just so innocently childlike that I cannot help the urge to just be in her company. Here is a series of dialogues between her and her father, Nagare, regarding the first time she pours coffee. She thrives in the at her moment of "my time has come". I found it so funny so I cannot help but share it:

"Is it you, monsieur, who wants to return to the past?" "Miki, please, speak proper Japanese," said Nagare, aghast at her attitude. But Miki tsk-tsked him with a wave of her finger. "That is not possible, moi (nobody knows why she calls herself moi) is not Japanese," she retorted. Nagare gave an exaggerated frown as if he had been expecting such a response. "Oh, what a shame! It is a rule of the cafe that the person who pours the coffee must be Japanese." "ONLY KIDDING. I'm Japanese."

I laughed out loud at a moment in a book, and it's just great how my imagination could make this scene so funny to me. And Toshikazu Kawaguchi surprised me with his remarks about the contrast of Miki and the seemingly cold Kazu. The line was: "If people had auras whose colors were somehow visible, there is no doubt that Kazu would be surrounded by pale aqua, while Miki's would be orange."

A flutter of emotions and memories grasp my mind and I'm reminded of how much I love the color orange.

Will buy the rest of the books cause I love having something casual to read and just enjoy myself. Short stories are great in the busy world I created for myself. 7/10, I'll probably look for the first and third book soon.

[canonicallyobserving911]

WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

FANON speculation for season 7

I wasn’t tagged by anyone but I wanted to share a snippet from chapter 7 of “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

I’m excited to finish writing Chapter 7 because it starts right after Buck’s mental breakdown and even though he pushed Eddie away at the end of Chapter 3, Eddie’s there to help him pick up the pieces. He literally found Buck lying on his bedroom floor practically unresponsive and after almost three weeks of them not talking to each other, Buck finally lets Eddie in and he explains everything that happened to cause his mental breakdown.

___________

Here’s another snippet from chapter 7 of Buck and Eddie’s early morning conversation after one of Buck’s most difficult therapy sessions.

___________

It’s after 2:00AM and Eddie’s sitting on the couch watching an oldies TV channel that plays nothing but television shows that aired prior to the 1970s.  The volume is on low because he doesn’t want to wake up Buck but he’s surprised when he hears his footsteps coming up the hall.

He looks towards the hallway as Buck enters the room and asks, “Hey… what are you doing up?  Did the sound from the TV wake you?”

“No, I woke up to go to the bathroom but I saw the light and uh… I came in here to check on you.” Buck replies as he sits down next to him.

“I’m ok.  I was too wired to fall asleep so I figured watching reruns of ‘The Three Stooges’ would help.”

“But you’re still awake so… I guess it’s not working.”

Eddie chuckles.  “No it’s not.  I never understood why Moe was always so mean to Larry and Curly.”

He looks at Buck but he notices even though he’s looking in the direction of the TV, he’s actually looking past it.  He realized earlier in the week that it’s another thing Buck’s been doing lately, he zones out in thought but after he processes whatever he’s thinking about, he eventually starts talking so Eddie patiently waits.

As he stares off somewhere into oblivion, Buck remembers all the stories other people told earlier today during his first “Savior baby” support group session and he’s still having a difficult time processing all of it.  One story sticks out from all the rest because there was a teenage boy who shared his story and he reminded him of himself when he was 13 years old.

His name is Eric and he explained the way his parents had him so he could save his brother Dennis who’s seven years older than him.  He said they took one of his kidneys right after his 9th birthday and he’s had multiple painful bone marrow extractions since before he could remember but that’s not all.  Now they want him to donate again but he doesn’t want to do it since the recovery time is long and excruciating.  Eric’s story sounded so familiar to his own story that it made him wonder if life would have been better for everyone if he hadn’t been born.

Buck clears his throat and asks, “Do you ever think about how… it’s not worth it?”

It’s like déjà vu as realization sets in for Eddie because they’ve had this conversation before but their roles were reversed and the question hits him in the chest like a boulder has been dropped on top of it.  As he looks at him, he tries to keep his facial expression neutral but he’s not sure if Buck even notices since he quickly glances at him then looks away.

“Not the therapy. I—I mean…”  He runs his hand over his face and continues. “Is being born even worth it?”  He meets Eddie’s eyes then quickly looks away.  “I mean with all the crap we have to put up with when… dealing with our parents… or in my case… the people who brought me into this world.”

Eddie doesn’t interrupt but he does raise his eyebrows.

Buck clears his throat and nervously rubs his sweaty hands on his thigs to dry them on his sweatpants. “I wanted them to love me but they’ve always had their own selfish reasons for bringing me into the world so…” He trails off.

A loud and uncomfortable silence engulfs the room.

Then after about a minute, in a low voice, Buck continues.  “Maybe things would have been better if I was never born.”  He shrugs his shoulders.  “I mean my defective parts prevented me from being able to do the one thing I was born to do and since I couldn’t do that… I’m just wondering what’s the point of it all since I wasn’t meant to be here in the first place?”

Eddie’s heart shatters at Buck’s words because after all these years, he still hasn’t realized how important he is to them.  Not just to him and Chris but to Maddie, Bobby and the 118 since they all need him.

How will Eddie respond to Buck’s comments👀?

___________

Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 -  Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 -  More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - Will be posted soon.

__________

I’m enjoying writing this fic because it’s giving me the chance to unravel the mess that was the 6x18 ending for Buck, Eddie and Chris.  Also, it’s taking them places the show refuses to go including Buck finally having a mental breakdown and Eddie being there for him the same way he was there for Eddie in season 5.

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading

Read chapters 1 - 6 are already available on AO3.