#i keep editing this in drafts so i dont look stupid when it posts

[lunar-stims]

me when my fuckass citra lags so my fuckass pokemon game restarts so it reloads me at my most recent fuckass save which is route 9 and i need to get to cyllage city so i can beat the fuckass gym leader but iots gonna take me 2 fuckass hours because im slow and it may take more because i need to level all my fuckass pokemon up and get some new little shits because the fuckass ones i have barely scraped by in battle with the first fuckass trainer in the fuckass gym

[sydneyshipsstuff]

answering both of the recent tag games in one since im lazy (so scroll for the questions below the bingo)

tagged by @professional-benaddict (sorry for responding so late lol) and because i dont have too many mutuals, tagging anyone who sees it & wants to do it!

I chose my baby Spider-Man/Peter Parkee, with a focus on the starker fandom!

1. How did you discover your fave?

spider-man movies -> video edits on insta/tiktok -> irondad fanfics on wattpad -> ao3 -> looking at starker in disgust -> becoming a part of the fandom

2. How long have you been a fan of your fave?

since homecoming! when it first came out but it took me a while to start interacting with the fandom

3. Do you write for your fave? (E.g. AU's, Drabbles, Fan Fics.)

sorta! i don't actively write, just kinda drabble sometimes and i mostly dont post that, plus helping others write, i do have drafts that have been in my docs for years though

4. Do you like what is canon about your fave?

i do but i feel bad for him! poor guy has nobody :((, but before endgame i was in love with canon.

5. Tell some of your headcanons of your fave.

•his spider abilities on top of the originals like purring, cant have peppermint, hibernates, etc

•his love of animals, always stopping on patrols to say hi to them or trying to keep the strays he finss

•being worthy of mjolnir and picking it up without knowing the significance

•that he worms his way into the hearts of everyone he meets

6. Do you draw for your fave? (E.g. Fan Art)

no i dont, but i love seeing others fan art obviously!

7. If your fave/s are portrayed by several actors, who are your fave portrayers?

basic, ik, but tommy.

8. Are you more into Books/ Comics/Films when it comes to your fave?

mostly the fanfics then anything, but the movies and comics are so entertaining.

9. Quote anything about what your fave has said.

this ones weird but when i went to new york i went out of my way to go to moma because of him mentioning it to tony

10. Quote your favourite line of your fave!

basic but the "When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you." because even though its sad/semi unhealthy to put that pressure on yourself, i relate to it in a way and uphold myself to helping whenever i can.

11. Ever made a edit for/of your fave?

i dont think so? maybe photos but that would have been a while ago

12. Songs you associate with your fave?

anything to do w new york really

13. If your fave was real, do you think they'd like you?

i think so, if we meant in a natural way lolol, i try to be social and i think id be able to joke with him

14. Amongst your fave/s who do you think are you? (E.g. You have 5 faves, amongst the 5 of them you think of yourself as fave no.3)

skipping because i only am answering for the one

15. Do you know your fave origin story?

yes i doo, radioactive spider bite, yada yada, parents dead, yada yada, uncle shot, rip, grew up in queens & stayed there

16. In 1 word describe your fave’s aesthetic.

akward

17. Is/Are your fave/s famous on A03?

yes very much, but mostly for irondad

18. Ships that you like with your fave?

i do like irondad if thats even considered a ship, peter w tony, harley, steve, stephen, and bucky, either seperate or at the same time, and im open to other pairings too

19. Is/Are your fave/s well known?

yes very well

20. If your fave/s have a fandom, what do you think about the fandom?

i like them, idk if theyd like me now that ive gone to the dark side lol

21. Describe yourself using something your faves have said

oops kinda did this already for another question but, "I am Responsible. I…Oh crap. My backpack’s gone." I try to be responsible but i am very clumsy and forgetful lol, and i do a lot of stupid shit

22. If you would feed your fave/s something, what would it be?

as big of a meal as i could possibly make, very carby, probably pasta, get some meat on those bones and feed the super apetite

23. How do you see yourself in any of your fave/s?

i see the optimism/ akwardness in myseld as well, we are semi-close in age so i think that contributes to it

24. Ever taken a break from your fave/s?

sorta, it was very short and it was mostly in between going from irondad to starker as well as small breaks i took from everything lol

25. If your fave/s were to have a crossover, who and which character would they have a crossover with?

well they did have one with stephen and the other spidermen but i think it would be cool to see him really interacting w the women of marvel, aka kate, yelena or natasha (also rip), pepper, captain marvel, america chavez, etc.

[sweet-seishu]

11:26pm

bonten! rindou haitani x fem! reader

warnings: angst, hurt to comfort, established marriage, mentions of divorce, NSFW, unprotected sex, multiple orgasms, squirting (the spicy isn't very descriptive, but it's still there), NOT EDITED, just overall terribly written, and very half assed. time stamped bc that's when i made the decision to post it today.

a/n: when i tell you this has been in my drafts for MONTHS and i just never posted it and now i'm cleaning out my drafts so here, i know it's bad leave me alone.

network tag: @tokyometronetwork

Divorce.

The word was running through Rindou's head as you sat across from him at his desk, chewing on your lip as you let him process what you had asked. There was no argument that led to this, no big fight, you had just asked him out of the blue. He was confused, he hadn't done anything wrong, so why did you want this?

There was of course a reason, you were just scared to bring it up.

"Why?" Rindou asked. You wouldn't look at him, you couldn't. "Y/n-"

"I-" You started, biting your lip to keep the tears from falling. "Rin, I'm just– I'm not happy anymore."

"But- what did I do?" The question seemed so innocent, and it made your heart hurt more as you thought about how to answer.

You didn't want him to be upset with you, you didn't want to end on a bad note. "Rin it's what you're not doing." You said softly.

"What I'm not-? What does that even mean?"

You finally looked at Rindou, and he looked irritated. You couldn't blame him, you were vague in your answer, and you knew he didn't care to figure these things out.

But you were just so tired. Tired of waiting for him to come home, tired of him working all those late nights. He's barely paid attention to you over the last few months, and you couldn't take it anymore.

"Rindou." You sighed. "I can't take this anymore. You're always at work, you're barely home, and when I do see you you barely acknowledge my presence."

"I'm just trying to give you a good life y/n, I need to work to do that." He said bluntly. "You knew what you were getting into when we stared dating as teenagers."

"Yeah Rin, I knew you'd be busy, and I knew there would be times when I wouldn't see you. But this has been going on for months. I dont even remember the last time we've had a conversation this long."

"You know how busy Bonten is becoming. I'm sorry I can't be home all the time but come on y/n-"

"Yeah I know how busy it's been, but I'm your wife Rindou, you should still be able to make time for me. If I'm being honest I feel like this is already over, and it's been over for a while."

Rindou was taken back by your words. How long have you actually been thinking about this?

"Night after night I wait for you to come home, just to remember what your stupid fucking face looks like, but then I fall asleep cause god forbid you come home at a normal hour, and then you're gone when I wake up." You said, choking on your words as the tears built.

You let a few tears fall from your eyes as you stared at Rindou. Someone you've known and loved all your life suddenly looked like a complete stranger.

"I'm breaking Rindou." You cried. "I'm completely falling apart here, and you don't even see it. It's like you don't even care. I'm completely at the bottom of your priority list, and it fucking hurts."

Rindou only looked at you, not knowing what to say. He hadn't realized how bad it was, but as he really looked at you now, he noticed the weight you lost, the bags under your eyes, and how the light was completely gone from them.

"Nothing to say?" You asked, swallowing the lump in your throat. "Then that's it. I'll call our lawyer in the morning. You can just go back to work." You pulled your wedding ring off your finger, suddenly feeling naked as you placed it in front of Rindou. "I love you Rin, and I'm always going to.. but I'm done waiting for you."

With that you left his office, leaving Rindou be as he stared at the ring. How could he be so stupid? How could he not realize how little he actually saw you?

He groaned, running his hands through his hair before looking at the picture of you two on his desk.

His blonde and blue hair, glasses on his face as he smiled at the camera, while you kissed his cheek, your y/h/c hair blowing out of your face, the hint of a smile on your lips as they touched his cheek.

You had taken that after he had told you he loved you the first time. The smile on your face after he said it was permanently marked in his mind, a smile so bright it made him weak in the knees.

Rindou loved you with all he had, and he has since you were teens. He was never the best at expressing his feelings, something you knew all too well, but he didn't want it to come to this.

He didn't want a divorce, the thought made him feel sick, like he wanted to throw up.

He wasn't going to let this happen, he couldn't.

"I just don't know how it got to this." You said to your friend on the phone. "How can we go from talking about starting a family, to getting a divorce?" You asked, voice cracking as a tear fell from your eye.

Rindou was standing on other side of the door, his heart sinking at your words.

"Was it because of me?" You cried. "Was I too much?"

Fuck, no you were perfect to him.

"Did he stop loving me?" You sobbed, looking down at your hand. You winced at the small 'rin' tattoo that was on your finger, a tattoo that was usually hidden by a ring.

Absolutely not. He loved you more than life itself.

He couldn't listen anymore, slowly opening the door to bedroom, making you turn your head. You told your friend bye, hanging up the phone placing it on your nightstand.

"What do you want?" You asked.

"To talk." He told you, sitting beside you on the bed.

"We don't have anything to talk about Rindou. It's done."

"I don't- y/n I don't want that." Rindou told you, csrefully putting his arms around you so he could pull you close. He felt you tense, and it hurt him more than he could admit.

"Rindou I'm just not seeing any other option." You told him.

"Pretty girl, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry I let it get to this. I never wanted to hurt you baby."

You started sobbing, shoulders shaking as Rindou buried his head in your neck.

"I can't just let you walk away from this, from us. I promise I'll be better. I'll be the man you married, someone you deserve."

"I don't want an empty promise Rindou. You always put Bonten before me and I can't take it anymore."

His hold on you tightened. He really was an idiot. "It's not empty. I'm so sorry I ever made you think this marriage was over, sorry I ever made you doubt how I feel about you. I only wanted to give you the life you deserve."

You sighed, slowly moving to face him.

"Rindou, I don't care about having a lavish life, I don't need expensive things. All I need is you. You're all I've ever needed and you- fuck Rin- you slipped completely out of my grasp."

Rindou pulled you closer to him, holding you tightly as you cried into his shoulder. He rubbed your back soothingly as you held onto his dress shirt so tightly you could hear it ripping.

"Look at me." Rindou said softly, making you lift your head from his shoulder. He gently moved your hair behind your ear. "My pretty girl. I hurt you really bad didn't I?"

"You did." You said softly, sniffling as Rindou moved his hand to wipe the tears from your cheeks.

"I won't hurt you anymore, I promise you that. I'll be home more, I'll let you know if I have to stay late, I'll do whatever I have to, just please stay." Rindou choked, his eyes stinging. "You're my soul mate, losing you would be losing a part of me, and I just can't-"

You cut him off, kissing him softly as you tasted the mix of your tears. When you pulled away you let your forehead meet his, looking into his violet eyes.

"Okay." You said softly.

"Okay?"

"I won't go anywhere." You whispered. "Just please, please don't-"

"I won't." Rindou told you, knowing exactly what you were going to say. He pulled your ring from his pocket so he could slip it back on your finger. "I love you so much y/n, let me show you yeah?"

You nodded before Rindou placed his lips on yours, both of you easily melting into eachother.

Your hands found their place in his purple hair, tugging at the strands as you tried to get closer to him. He held on to you for dear life, scared to let you go as he licked your bottom lip. You quickly opened your mouth, your tongues tangling as everything quickly became hot.

"Off." You said against his lip, ripping his dress shirt open, not caring about the buttons. You just wanted him, and you wanted him now. It's been so long since you were together like this, and you weren't ashamed to show how needy you were for his touch.

It all happened so fast, and before you knew it you were beneath Rindou, moaning as he brought you to your fourth orgasm of the night.

He spent a long time, prepping you with his fingers and tongue, making you cum again and again before filling you with his thick length, a feeling you had missed so much.

"Rin." You gasped as he hit that spot inside you again and again. "Please don't stop!"

"Fucking hell y/n. You're squeezing me so fucking tight." Rindou moaned, pounding his hips harder into you. Your nails scratched at his broad back, making him hiss as you screamed, squirting your juices all over his abdomen.

"Fuck!" Rindou groaned, pumping inside of you a few more times before stilling his hips, painting your walls white.

You were both silent, the only thing that could be heard was your heavy breathing as Rindou lay on top of you, being mindful not to crush you with his weight.

"Rindou?" You whispered, making the younger Haitani look at you.

"What is it pretty?"

"Can we go take a bath? I'm kinda of sore." You chuckled, moving his hair out of his face. He only smiled, slowly pulling out of you before standing up.

"Give me a sec okay?" He said, kissing your forehead before walking off to the bathroom. He ran a hot bath, making sure there were lots of bubbles and a nice bath bomb, just the way you liked it.

He walked back into your room, smiling at your sleepy state. He picked you up bridal style, carrying you to the shower so you could both rinse off first.

You sighed when you got in the tub, your back against Rindou’s chest as he held you.

He realized how much he really missed moments like this with you. He really did take you for granted, he knew that and he hated himself for ever making you think he didn't love or care about you.

"Rin are you okay?" You asked.

He hadn't realized he was crying.

"I just, fuck." Rindou sobbed. "I'm just so fucking sorry."

Rindou rarely cried, not like this. Sure he shed a few tears here and there, but he never completely broke down. You didn't know what to do.

"Rindou it's okay." You told him.

"It's not. It's not okay." He sobbed again, holding you tighter against him. "Can't believe I alm- almost let you slip away. Can't believe I made you feel like this was over, I'm so-"

"Shh." You cooed, turning around so you could face him, not caring about the water spilling over the sides of the tub. "Baby it's okay, I forgive you."

"You're just, you're everything to me and I almost let you walk I-"

"Rin." You said softly, holding his face between your hands. The tears in his eyes wouldn't stop, breaking your heart as you tried to consol him. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Rindou looked at you, nothing but love for him in your eyes as you comforted him. Fuck he really was stupid.

"Let's get out of the bath and go to bed okay?" You smiled. Rindou nodded, closing his eyes as you placed a gentle kiss to his forehead, letting him calm down.

You both stepped out of the tub once his tears stopped. Rindou grabbed towels for you both to dry off before he grabbed your hand, walking you back to your shared room.

Rindou quickly slipped on a new pair of underwear before tossing you a shirt of his and a pair of sleep shorts.

"Let me just grab some new sheets okay?" Rindou told you. You nodded, smiling when he kissed your forehead.

When he returned you helped him change the bedding quickly, finally laying down with the soft duvet covering the both of you.

He was quick to grab you, cuddling you into his side, as he kissed the top of your head. You traced his tattoos, making Rindou sigh in content.

"Love you pretty girl." Rindou whispered, stopping your actions so he could grab your hand, lacing your fingers together. "I'll love you forever."

"I love you to Rin." You told him kissing his skin, finally letting your eyes flutter shut. "Forever."

[tenderlyrenjun]

an anon could tell you that you should jump off of a cliff and i fear you would believe you should. i wish that you would stop listening to the people who tell you that your writing is bad. 9 times out of 10 these people (probably only one person tbh) are trolls. they want to bring you down and you make it so easy for them because you instantly believe it and tell them youre a bad writer. you are not a bad writer, and even if you believe that you are, there are tons of people who have read your works that think you are a brilliant writer (myself included). and not just silent readers believe that, there are plently of ppl who come into your ask box to tell you that your work is great. so pls dont take the negative opinions of anons seriously. even if just (1) person loves your writing, i feel like thats good enough reason to continue with your blog.

I mean, I've been pretty clear since starting my blog that I am a bad writer. It's the caveat and warning on my blog; I don't know why anons are so surprised by the product. I am incredibly hard on myself, and I know this; I go back and read all my fics and point out all the bad things more than I do the good things (like if you could see the annotations that I make on my own fics ... they're not nice annotations; or if you could see the comments/edits that I make about my own fics in then drafts ... those are also not nice), but I do it because I like writing, and "I should be writing for myself" as everyone keeps reminding me when I complained about lack of interaction.

It's not just the whole "you're a bad writer" thing though; it's also that people keep criticizing me. Like, I get it; I'm an insecure person, and I'm working on it, and I'm keeping all the negative things that I think about myself away from this blog; I'm keeping my writing process off my blog because no one cares and I shouldn't be posting my drafts as previews. anons are criticizing me if I defend myself from negative posts; anons are criticizing my writing when I make a post; anons are telling me to not listen to other anons. I just ... all I want is to talk about my fics and have people be excited with me when I post previews. I don't understand why this is so hard. I feel so misunderstood and alone and unheard, and I know that's unreasonable because this is just a stupid blog for my to post fics and I'm not even in the nct writing community, but yeah, I just ... I get more anons talking about how insecure I am than I do about other things now and it's frustrating. I just want to talk about my fics with people!! I even try to talk to other writers about their fics but it doesn't really work out, and I try to talk about my own fics on my blog but that's so ... stupid because no one is listening either. everyone kind of just ignores me or doesn't listen.

anon who said my writing is bad was right. It was bad because it was a draft. and now I'm rewriting those fics, or I'm trying to, and I'm trying to make it better so that people are willing to talk about my fics or at least recommend them to other people - I'm not on fic rec lists, I'm not in a network, I don't have active writer mutuals. Like, I get it! anon was super negative about my previews and yeah, I was upset (reasonably so!! I don't know why everyone expects me to just read and get over it), but they were also the only person/s to read it. it's just a reminder and a tell that something I'm doing in the preview or the summary or the formatting isn't good enough. And I'm looking for evidence that contradicts that - I am, like I have to go through my own blog and look for the asks of people who actually liked my fic, but really, the criticisms are longer than anything anyone tells me about the fic and I really cannot not find many people who like my writing. anons will say "I do like your writing" only in defence against the negative anon/s, and that's it; that's not evidence that someone likes my writing and I need evidence to combat my own anxiety against myself. I don't mean to cherry pick asks who liked my writing, but it's the same argument for everything - if I have one anon sending repeated negative asks about my writing, then everyone who sends the same "I liked time out" ask is essentially one person or less than the actual 12. I don't mean to be defensive or desperate, but I'm trying to show you that I'm motivating myself by myself because my blog is just ... not a safe space for me to talk about anything. I lose followers when I write what I do like about my fics, so that's negative reinforcement against me expressing that I like my fics. I get more anons talking telling me how to react or how to listen to anything I receive from my inbox than I do about my fics, so that's positive reinforcement that I'm not really allowed to do what I want with my blog. I lose followers and I get radio silence and I see people unlike my master lists when I post previews, or I just get the one negative anon, so it's both positive and negative reinforcement working toward the same outcome: I'm doing something wrong.

[tomatograter]

Do you have any tips on starting fics? Like thinking of idea's, getting motivation, and thinking up plots and themes?

Think of things you want to read about! The litmus test of anything writing-related to me is if i think it is compelling for myself. Trying to appeal to an outside audience can be very discouraging and counterproductive to getting words out.

I realize not everyone thinks like this, but i believe fics should be no different than other kinds of fiction, so; try to think of a Genre for your story while you're brainstorming it. This could flatten the process. It doesn't have to be set in stone, but ideally, placing what you intend to write as an "action" "adventure" "horror" "western" "dissertation" "comedy" "scifi" "missing scenes" etc etc story can be helpful to develop an atmosphere, further ideas, define what kinds of devices are to be employed and such.

Specially when it comes to fanfic and dealing with prewritten characters (see: dming for tabletop roleplaying games), i also think it is useful to write a story that challenges your characters. Not "i have a setting. I guess the characters will kick it up somehooooooow?". Make it tailor made. Character is afraid of snakes? Throw a fucking naja at them. This is a critical moment, what happens? Whos affected? Why should we care? What are the consequences? That gets your brain running. "Character is very invested in (X)" ok, now crush it. Same questions as before, why should we care? Can you pierce it back together? So on and so forth.

When you're cobbling it together, think of what kinds of situations could make a good contrast to their personality, troubles, weaknesses and a little bit of their strengths. (Balance it out.) It keeps things more engaging and interesting if your character is walking towards something, rather than being limblessly pushed by a series of events.

Being acquainted with the characters you're writing, their ticks, interests and embarassing traits is very helpful here. Play to their tune.

Dont let your scenes be an afterthought. You'll still have to write them after all!!! Not every scene has to be a showstopper, but if you find yourself writing large swatches of text whose only purpose is filling up space and not doing much tonally, emotionally, or character-wise, what is the point? Write things you want to read about. Think of the minutiae. 'How is this meeting/development/conflict different from others ive seen? Is it funnier? Is it unexpected? Is it cute? Is it embarassing - how can i make it evoke something like these traits?'

Write to your/your audience's level. Purple prose is cool, but are you comfortable with it? Does the story call for it? Are you sure you aren't more comfortable with other structures? Homestuck fanfic is neat because it's the fandom where I've seen the most entertaining works utilizing second person, and they can really rock.

Be indulgent. Don't be afraid to be stupid. This is self-explanatory. Keep a little document with all your ideas and dumb thoughts, no matter how messy they are. You'll eventually thank yourself for writing them down and not losing them later. Who cares if you want to write a fairy themed romance set in space? Wait, thats homest

Read other fanfics, sure, but read things that aren't fanfic. A lot of fanworks follow molds that may not be the best to replicate in your own writing. (Remember the "genre" bit from above? This is also helpful here, because then you know what to look for.) Hell, you don't even have to settle down to read all 600 pages of a book. Read opening statements from different authors. Compare and contrast first chapters. Find out what you like and what you dislike re: writing and try to replicate it in the lab. Do you have a story hook? Do these authors have a story hook that made you want to keep reading? How was that applied?

You're not going to write the fucking Mona Lisa on the first draft. Get that concept into your head, make peace with it, there, now you're friends. First drafts suck ass.

First drafts should suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck big smelly turds.

You're not doing it wrong. Try not to be discouraged! Instead, take it as a chance to read over your story and figure out what is not working. Write it again, with improvements. Personally i can't write anything straight through and i know very little people who can without having planned it beforehand - thats another keyword. Loosely planning scenes and a sequence of events showing how things happen is good even if you're improvising most of it, it gives you direction. Even better, sometimes it can help you visualize entire chapters or stories before punching them out. Even better! Crossing out the little blurbs of scenes you've completed and seeing how many are left to go can keep you motivated to finish the whole thing.

Writing is a laborious process, you dont need to make it more mystifying. Most of the magic comes with editing, re-writing, and adjustements.

Also, when you're done writing let it rest. Coming back to a text you think is finished 1-2 days later can be very illuminating, as opposed to posting straight away.

I hope this is useful in some way, and if it isn't, maybe this could be more up to your speed:

(Don't be intimidated by the equation. That was a very optional tip in a runtime of friendlier ones)

This lecture has some engaging tips on quickly snapping up concepts for short stories - your intention may not be writing a short story, but you still can get a kick out of how quickly she can structure them, brainstorming, what is used to give a sense of narrative progress, how to break complex things into bites, etc. Don't be afraid to learn stuff from people who have been doing this for longer than you have, but remember no writing instruction is necessarily universal.

[mycelier]

My name is Simone and I would like to tell you a tale!

I will not have access to my laptop for some days more and because writing on my phone is kind of painful (physically, because I am working on hand mobility now), this may end up in drafts and taking a while to post. I am going to share what has been happening the last 2 months because I feel like everything went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few weeks and its been really, really wild.

So!!! LETTUCE begin!

For roughly 5 years I've been struggling to get a diagnosis on an extremely painful area of my arm. There was literally nothing visible; no lump, discoloration or any other physical abnormality to indicate anything was wrong. I spent thousands on pretty much every kind of imaging you can do, and was told time and time again that there was nothing wrong and, perhaps, it was psychosomatic and I needed therapy or, more often than not, I was given a shrug and a vague "i dunno" response.

This year, something changed. I deal with chronic pain (my spine is congenitally fused in my neck and lower spine and I have baby bone spurs all over), and in the process of trying to work on that I brought up my arm again to a dr I no longer see. He'd told me my arm was SEVERAL things over the years I had been seeing him but this time said it was a fibromyalgia knot, something I had been told by a team of doctors some time before that. I said okay cool and was sent to a physical therapy rehab center where the dr worked with myofascial release and stretches to help with injuries. This amazing man fixed my plantar fasciitis and helped get my chronic headaches under control but NOTHING we did helped my arm pain. Within a month he was worried bc we had started to notice that there was a hardness to the spot that never changed with any exercise or massage.

Worried that there was a nerve being trapped or crushed (another diagnosis I'd gotten over the years), this amazing man sent me to a neurosurgeon who immediately frowned and said he didn't think my neck pain and my arm pain were connected. He ordered an MRI of my arm and despite it not being visible on an MRI 2 years before, he found something PHYSICALLY THERE where I said I had pain. He considered doing the surgery to remove it (despite being a neurosurgeon he was fascinated with this weird horribly painful spot) but eventually sent me a surgeon for an oncology center, assuring me it was because this new surgeon was one of the best in Texas for removing soft tissue tumors, not because there was any thought of cancer.

I met with the surgeon who gave me one more diagnosis of an AVM (arteriovenous malformation), snd said they were benign and not necessary to remove as well as the possibility that if removed it would likely return. Truly, at this point after 5 years of constant nauseating horric pain when someone brushed against me or if I gently brushed against ANYRHING, a pain so bad that it had basically made me stop using my right arm as much as possible (of course I'm right handed lol), I said GET THAT FUCKER OUT OF THERE MAN and my first surgery was scheduled.

Surgery one occurred Nov 5th and was an out patient event. I went home and passed out. At some point my mom said that while I'd been in recovery the dr said the thing in my arm hadn't looked like what he expected so he had sent it to pathology. I went back to work and was hanging out until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I went in for a super immediate meeting with a different doctor who told me that what had been in my arm was a synovial sarcoma, aka, cancer! He, this incredibly kind man I did not know, gently discussed chemo and told me I needed to have a CT scan immediately. Based on the CT, i was either in stage one or stage four if it has spread to lungs. The day before Thanksgiving I received the news that it was stage one, it had not spread, and i was so fucking happy.

Then it was time talk about next steps. My surgeon marked out a circle on my arm to indicate how much he was gonna remove in order to guarantee clear margins..but it was not enough of a meeting for me to grasp the surgery I was about to receive.

The day of my second surgery, dec 8th, came quickly and i met with the plastic surgeon, the kindest, most patient man. He moved my arm around and explained how he was going to hijack a vein from my forearm in order to keep the blood flow health to the flap he was gonna take from the donor site: My inner thigh.

It has been 11 days and I am living in an inpatient rehab facility, working on dealing with the nerve damage/pain, the EXTREME pain of my donor site, and the lost mobility that I am working on getting back, both in my leg and my hand. The majorities of my arm is numb...except where the nerve pain burns my wrist and forearm and makes it painful to wear my arm sling (I can't fully extend my arm, nor can I lift, push, pull or use my arm in any way that would stress out my new arm flap). Also may have a brand new urinary tract infection but as I write this I'm chugging water for a urine sample to hopefully get that treated. Below are some pictures I have taken/had taken of my arm! Im not ready to look at my leg outside of the bandages (which, since having the wound vac removed today, hell yeah, will need daily dressing changes).

EDIT: I tried posting pictures of my arm last night and my post disappeared immediately so I will try to make a new post with these photos in case the whole post was erased because of them. I will tag them as post surgery photos. I do not consider them gory or excessive but hey that's just me.

I intend to post more things as I keep healing and as I gain more mobility. I was given "independence" in my room yesterday which means I can officially get up without any assistance needed (using my badass new cane to help me lift my foot in and out of bed)!!!! Which also means I can get up whenever I want without the bed alarm going off. I have a badass cane that has been the best tool in helping me get around (and has inspired my mom and others to suggest and look into getting me a cane sword which makes me laugh REAL hard). See below me using the cane to move my foot in and out of bed!

Part of why I'm posting this is because I really needed to talk about it and while later posts may not be this long or expository but I wanted to have a base post to explain other ones related to this one!!!

I will update with some newer pics tomorrow night when my mom comes by to help me take newer pics. The arm flap looks super healthy (according to the drs), and when they changed my leg dressing they said its looking really good and healthy!

I......also really wanted to post my Amazon wishlist. Due to this stupid wild bad lottery ticket, I've been struggling to pay my bills and rent but!!! I have good insurance, thankfully (since I live in the US and my hospital stay and this rehab stay would have more than bankrupted me), and im hoping my disability checks will get here in time for rent!!! I'm putting up my wishlist bc I can't afford some of the "essentials" on there and, also, because I havent been able to have any kind of comfort during any of this. I never ask for anything for holidays because usually i...dont want to burden people with spending money on me since I know how hard money is, especially right now. And if I don't have enough for rent later I might have to create a go fund me...but right now everything looks good for rent and bills just...not for anything fun.

Thank you so much for your time!!! And happy holidays you wild bastards!!!

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/36PG6BAYD18U7?ref_=wl_share

[bawkrya]

ok so im just gonna pick at fr from a web designer pov because looking at this site on mobile will drive me into madness if they don’t fix it at some point. The rest of this post will go under a read more because it’s both super long and image heavy.

before i hit mobile though, I’m going to point out some things i just don’t personally like in general with the site design (and yes i am conscious that they are slowly updating to a new look)

this will come as a shock to no one, if you’ve seen previous web design related posts by others anyways, but i cant. stand this menu

[ID: A cropped screenshot of Flight Rising’s Main Menu]

fr, understandably, has a shit ton of links. it’s a petsite with lore and all that, whatever. The thing that bothers me specifically is the length of links and where some are placed.

1. i BELIEVE this counts as an accessibility issue where longer links kinda trap shorter links, goes into misclicks to other pages in the site, etc. etc.  2. i don’t think. the search link should be under library personally ? Maybe make it its own category. 

Dev Tracker & Media could go under this category, possibly add separate links to forum, player, and dragon searches with updated formatting

Dressing Room and Scrying Workshop could go under the “Play” category 

Forums can be it’s own category with possible subcategories being: Announcements & News, Help Center, and Flight specific discussion forum, maybe more 

Library category could then just be: Which Waystone, World Map, Game Database, and Encyclopedia.

Support should be it’s own category.

One thing on the shop category, and i hesitate to say this because im not CONFIDENT on this one, but I’m not sure Custom Skins exactly fits? or at least, it should be Purchase Gems -> Marketplace -> Custom Skins, not between crossroads and festive favors

Merch should probably go under purchase gems, and they should maybe uhh..... i guess change the name for it overall? because 1. “merch” alone does NOT look good with its placement, 2. its another actual money purchase thing and I think those should go on the same page

Along with that, in putting merch under that page, they could put previews of the merch with a button to go purchase instead of immediately going to their merch site (which to begin with it should open in a new tab if its going to a separate site?!!)

then this is a mix of both not liking it on laptop OR mobile, 

[ID: A cropped image of Flight Rising’s Clan Home page. The Bestiary link has a bright red box highlighting it]

Obviously these pages are old, but the graphics need to be updated, and there needs to be graphics for every link in the category-- seeing with this category alone there isn’t a graphic for the Bestiary already. On top of this they need to be in link order preferably. if they had a normal dropdown menu for mobile, mobile users wouldn’t be able to access the bestiary unless FR wanted to be STUPID and do further dropdown menus w their 200 links which would be STUPID and CLUTTERED

also in my opinion the Messages link isn’t necessary since we have the button at the top. If they put it there as an excuse for accessibility, they can just. add text to the buttons. like here’s a scuffed mockup but. 

[ID: Screenshot of Flight Rising’s Messages, Friend Requests, and Alerts icons edited to have Messages, Friends, and Alerts written next to the icons]

for the friends tab, they could prolly add friend requests at the top like they do for baldwin alerts, then have an online status thing for friends below with buttons to PM, trade, delete friend, etc. I think you’re already able to disable the online status thing with page visibility? but like, make those options separate if you dont wanna block off your entire page, but dont want to be seen online.

For mobile, they can just make the icons bigger.

then. i THINK. last thing on laptop site. 

[ID: A screenshot of Flight Rising’s Social Media links with old Logos to YouTube, Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, and DeviantArt]

update these fucking icons they are personally killing me, none of these logos are in use anymore (ALSO UPDATE THE TUMBLR THEME JESUS CHRIST)

ok now for mobile. what this post was originally for.

-

as you all know, if you visit this site on mobile, there is literally no form of a mobile version for it. It is just a condensed version of the computer version of the site which is...Very Bad! 

Most of a sites visitors are going to be through mobile, i forget the exact percentage, but like it’s almost a given that people more readily have their phones with them than their laptop or tablet (which. im not going to bother with the tablet version, you can apply both computer and mobile criticisms to the site). in fact a lot of my time on FR is through mobile since I’m not at home 24/7 and I don’t tote my laptop around. Playing this game through it’s mobile site is Not Fun! 

I like, won’t be too pissy or anything bc like. it’s a petsite and I’m making this post for fun. but also like it was made in 2014? 2013? so I’m not going to be u kno. angry. but it nearing the point of ten years with this site and there still isn’t a mobile friendly version. that is lazy. If anything, if they wanted a site update to be the anniversary thing, they should’ve made that update be

Mobile update as primary thing, because designing the site for mobile is a shit ton of work with the amt of pages they have to work through.

Dragon Profile page update (*LOUD SIGH*)

Clan page update

Hoard update (i have thoughts on this too but i wont dive into it this post)

Purchase Gems page update

Dev Tracker update

Forums update

“but that’s a lot to update” well. that wouldve made the anniversary being a website update considerably more worth it, because in my opinion having the dragon profile pages be the ONLY thing to happen during the anniversary was a waste and a bad decision, because other website updates are just. normal whatever updates. it made the anniversary SUPER underwhelming especially bc the past ones (to my knowledge) have only been major game mechanic updates like the eye & ancients update and i believe? the color wheel expansion was an anniversary thing? someone can correct me on that I haven’t played this game as long as most LMAO

as for how i personally would situate the mobile site. shitty graphic time, bc im not putting too much effort into this (warning this will be LONG)

[ID: Image 1. A crudely put together screenshot of the top half of a Mobile View of Flight Rising with comments on either side. It ends with the Latest News segments “Riot of Rot” and “Hoard & Vault Revamp”

Comment 1, Left side: “no banner make it a solid color that matches the burger menu. size the logo correctly etc. Comment 2, Right side: “burger menu w ONLY the categories, goes to the homepages of the categories” Comment 3, Right side: “TWO latest news posts, maybe a button to go see earlier news (which may b something to add to comp too)” Comment 4, Right side: “center dates and comments maybe idfk”

At the bottom of the image there is an added “button” that says “more updates button”]

[ID: Image 2. The bottom half of the mobile view with comments on the left side. There is a put together white box that has the Plague Flight Logo and “plage dom !” written in it. Below it are the Site Status, Random Dragon, and Exalt Bonuses boxes from the site. Underneath that is a red box with “ad space” in the center, with a red footer at the bottom.

The footer contains, “social media! (specifally made icons for site)”, “better formatted links”, and “copyright”.

Comment 1: “idk what they would caption it but the flashy can go here.” Comment 2: “ONE site status update if they keep this format” Comment 3: “probably center these links. i dont know what they use to build the site but im sure you can make icons for social media on just about anything unless this is all handcoded. just. make small icons it takes two seconds and you can copy+paste”]

i dont even want to THINK about how the lair and all that would look on mobile, it was a chore doing the home page alone SOBS

anyways, in ref to these images though--

this is just slapped together and definitely wouldn’t be a final draft, it could use some tweaking

the flashy i refer to is the box that’s above the user box that says what flight is in dom, what festival is going on, etc.

when i mention building the site and “you can make icons for social media on just about anything” im referring to wordpress, wix, whatever is used to format the site. I really only have experience with wordpress thru elementor and divi (so far) so im not CERTAIN about other places but I feel it would be pretty common to have that tool. if not, making icons (or snatching some) is rlly not that hard, probably only costly depending on what their webdesigner(s) charge for icons

I’m not like certain on who does what, how the webdesigner(s) work with/price this site, etc. etc. this is just. going off of my own knowledge. and in general this whole post is my own knowledge abt shit i did no further research to FRs team specifically 

i think this is basically it, i’ll reblog with more if i think of anything, but feel free to add things yourself or in general discuss things. again this post was made for fun so im not taking it seriously or demanding for these changes to be made, just personal annoyances and preferences.

This is also my first time doing picture IDs for a post so if I need to correct anything or the like let me know and I’ll edit it in the post!

[geminimoonbeamx]

Oh, Baby: Chapter One

A/N: Okay so I’ve literally had this in my drafts for the last...six months or so? And I figured I’d tweak it and edit and post it since I’ve been so AWOL on this site lately, and so that I can give you guys some new content from me.

Word Count: 3k+

Warnings: Heavy cursing. This chapter is pretty PG, talks of mental illness, unexpected pregnancy and contemplating abortion- but she doesnt go through with it. Smut to come. AND LOTS OF FLUFF TOO, I promise lol

Summary: After a drunken night, Y/N finds herself having to face the biggest decision of her life; is she ready for motherhood? And a better question, is Bucky Barnes, her long time friend and womanizer extraordinaire, ready for fatherhood? They’ll just have to go along for the ride and find out together. A Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Reader Story 

Chapter 1/6: The Baby Woe’s and Oh No’s

You knew it.

You’d known something was off, different, changed.

You sit on your toilet, your world spinning as you attempt to wrap your mind around what was going on. Everything seems sludge like, too slow and too fast and not real.

You’re definitely going into shock, you point out to yourself. The catatonic kind. You’ve been staring at the bright, sunny lemon print of the shower curtain, your eyes focused but not seeing. Your elbows rest on your knees and your hands cover the entirety of your lower face.

At least you’re not crying anymore. 

Nope, your body had moved past that-Maybe, it felt like the tears could start rolling again at anytime.

Oh god, what are you going to do?

Why, why, why?

Why you? You’d been a good person- well a decent person at least… You recycled and tipped more than twenty percent. Didnt vote for Trump and ate your vegetables.

And your life was just seeming to even out. You’d somehow landed your dream job a couple months back- every Wednesday night your voice could be heard on WNEX. You we’re making enough money to finally be comfortable- doing what you loved. Gaining a wide audience and wiggling your way into the industry. Your mind was so career oriented, so focused on your end goal that you’d never even considered something like this.

Throwing a big fat wrench in the gears.

One night, it had only been one stupid, drunken night. Hadn't you racked up enough karma coins to cover your ass for one fucking night?

Are you there god? It’s me, Y/N, and I really fucked up this time.

Wanda comes back into the tiled room a few minutes, her dark features soft and a colorful mug in her hand.

“Are you okay?” She gauges, gently, as she reaches out to you.

You snort and shrug, but accept the steaming cup from her anyway. You look down at the swirling, murky drink.

Wishing for just one moment that you could drown yourself in it.

“Look, babe, I know you’re dealing with some major shock right now- but maybe you should go lay down. We’ll figure it out later-” Wanda’s voice is even and you appreciate her being so calm and sure during all of this but you just can't process the situation enough to accept it.

You can't go lay down.

“Why not?” Wanda questions and you didn't realize you’d said that out loud, you hadn't even felt your mouth form the words.

Your head really is swimming. Disconnected from your body a little bit. You force yourself to take a drink of the tea as she gives you a more pointed look.

“Because I have to- I don't know. I have to figure all this out” You protest. You can't hear your voice, how spiked with anxiousness it is.

“There’s not much to figure out” Wanda supplies, unhelpfully as she leans against the counter, arms folded over her chest and you give her a look that’s half between a glare and a gape.

“Um, what the fuck do you mean? There’s so much to figure out, I don't even know where to start” You give a short, sharp, slightly hysterical laugh gripping the mug hard enough to hurt with one hand while cupping your forehead with the other.

“Okay, first things first. And this is the big one: do you want this?”

Well, that whole ‘I'm done crying’ thought you’d had before was a lie. You feel the tears well up once more and overflow, spill down your already swollen cheeks. Your face is hot. Your tummy is full of rocks.

You’d always hated crying. It never made you feel released or freed or lighter like it did for other people. It made you feel icky and stupid. And afterwards it always felt like you’d gotten punched in the nose.

Yes, you did have a therapist to work out those issues with, thanks.

Your mind doesn't know what to do with that question.

You look at Wanda, searching her face as though she might have the answers but she just shook her head and reached out her hand to rub your shoulder. That’s all she could offer. Her support in whatever path you we’re about to embark on.

And then you look down, at the countertop. That was usually littered with stray tubes of mascara or straightening irons. Bobby pins and half lit candles. All the things that resided in the bathrooms of girls in their mid twenties.

In place of those was now four pregnancy tests. All of which read positive.

The first two had been those double lined ones. Two bold lines- both times. Then you’d ran down to the bodega at the end of the block and gotten two more. And those we’re more straight to the point. They literally read the word pregnant- in a font that you don't think you’d ever forget.

Did you want this? Did you want a baby?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“I dont know- I’m not ready. The timing is all wrong” You croak.

“Okay” Wanda coo’s “well there's alternatives then-” you squeeze your eyes closed at that thought “Either way we should make a doctors appointment to make sure you’re actually pregnant. I’ve read so many stories about how unreliable these things are”

She holds up one of the tests and rambles on about all of the online articles she’d come across. How some woman had taken a dozen of ‘em, gotten all positive results and then went in and had an empty uterus.

“For one, ew. I peed on that” You nod your head at the test in her hand and she rolls her eyes.

“Other side of it- and I held your hair when you got food poisoning from that shrimp shack. I’ve come into contact with worse body fluids of yours”

“For two- I’m pregnant. I know it. I’ve known it for weeks. I knew something was wrong and I just tried to...think it away, you know? Out of sight, out of mind? I sound insane” saying the words out loud makes you realize how...ludicrous those thoughts had been. But still. It was the truth.

She just nods though “You don't”

There’s a moment of silence. Stretching, as you stew in your reality.

“I’d be doing it alone” you whisper into the mug as you sip on it “I really dont think he’d want a baby”

“You would never be alone, you know that. You have so many people in your life that would support you with this” Wanda protests, sad that you’d even say that.

“You know what I mean” You push on. Because having a good group of friends and family wouldn't change the fact that you were possibly looking at the possibility of being a single mother.

If you decided to keep it, that is.

“Yeah I do- and I don't know if I agree with that. Bucky's a lot of things, an arrogant asshole at that top of that list, but he’s a good guy and I think he’d want to be involved. He doesn't give off deadbeat dad vibes”

All of that was true. Bucky is a good guy, at the core of him.

He was kind and decent and the two of you had been friends for years upon years. He was charming, magnetic and women loved him- you’d found it amusing, before you we’re the one in his bed after a drunken night a month ago.

He’d left your messages mostly on seen since then. You’d only sent a few, but still that had stung. Him icing you out the moment he’d gotten into your pants pissed you off, not only because it was rude but because it was expected.

You knew how Bucky was with women, it had been such an idiot move to sleep with him.

It made it all the more complicated that you ran in the same social circles- had all the same friends. Sam’s small promotion dinner a couple weeks ago had been extremely awkward for you, to say the least.

He’d earned himself the cold shoulder from you and no matter how many times he’d try to broach a conversation with you, crack a joke in your direction, or single you out in a group conversation you pretended he didn't exist.

“Damn, re-jec-ted” It had been so obvious that Clint had of course pointed it out, which was uncomfortable but expected because Clint had no filter like that.

Bucky had stopped trying after that- and started flirting back with the waitress that had been throwing herself at him throughout the night. You cut out early, claiming tiredness. And upset stomach. Whatever to get you out of there.

To say it was a shitty night was a bit of an understatement and you hadn't spoken one word to him since.

“I haven't talked to him since that night- and now I’m what, supposed to call him up and tell him I’m carrying his child because he doesn't properly know how to operate a condom?

“I don't know, yeah? It doesn't mean you two need to get married, but if you choose to keep this baby, that’s going to be a conversation you’re going to have to have” Wanda is so annoying sometimes. She was such a sharp thinking human- always grounded and level headed. She claimed it was from always having to be the “good twin” growing up.

Of course she was rationalizing this whole thing while you we’re floundering about it like a fish.

“I think I should make a doctors appointment” You just mutter. You’d rather focus your attention there. It was easier, cleaner for you. A goal you could actually accomplish.

And so that’s what you did.

//////

They were able to get you in at the end of the week, which in overpopulated New York City was a godsend. And still, it felt like far too long. Like the reality of it couldn't sink in until you talked to a medical professional so you we’re left in some kind of fucked up long until then.

You tried to keep your anxious mind busy, throwing yourself into work. Talking to people over the static airways of the radio about their lives; about the world and all of its workings was so much easier than talking to anyone about what was going on with you.

The only person who knew was Wanda and you’d canceled all of your other plans during the week, not able to face anyone. Not yet.

Lots of sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling. Thinking until your brain physically hurt.

And then you’d turned to you journal- maybe if you wrote everything down it would make sense. If you could see it all, inked out, you could make a decision.

Did you want this child?

Wanda had suggested making a pro’s and con’s list and while it sounded crazy and unhelpful, and you rolled your eyes at it ‘As though that will help’, you ended up doing it anyways.

You start with Cons, naturally. Always had been too damn negative.

Cons:

-I have no fucking idea how to be a mom

-Bucky???

-My job. My career. Who’s going to watch the baby while I work?

-How in the fuck am I going to financially support a baby.

-No room in the apartment/My room is fucking tiny and where will we put a baby

(Wanda said we can turn half of the living room into a playroom/makeshift nursery. How fucked up though? Not even a real nursery)

-No car? A baby on the subway? No thank you.

-Weird to explain to people even if Bucky wants to co-parent. All our friends??

-PAIN

-Pregnancy looks so painful. Birth looks scary. My poor vagine.

-Life is basically over

-The baby will not have a grandmother from your side...

You could keep going on, but you decide to stop there. You could go on, make the list pages and pages long but you decide against it.

Pros:

-I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Always dreamed of babies and motherhood, baby fever crashes over me in waves.

-Me and Bucky’s baby is going to be cute AF(and that just pure facts)

-I have a great support system- amazing friends and family who I know will help

-Bucky could want to be involved. He probably will...maybe?

-He has a big family, i think. The baby would have lots of family

-I don't want to have an abortion. All about pro-choice, but I just...don't know if I can.

That had made you bite the end of your pen.

Adoption?

Could you give a child that you went through nine months of pregnancy up for adoption? Knowing yourself- probably not. You cant even get rid of the moth hole ridden clothes at the back of your closet. Not comparing a baby to a jean jacket- fuck, see how unequipped you were for this?

-I’d be a good mom(I think)

-I could swing it financially. Maybe get a second job

-At least I have a good insurance plan now

-My life might have more of a purpose?

You hide the lists away in one of your many journals. Stick it in the wicker basket under your night stand- and revisit it too many times in those days between.

You make a lot of other lists in that time, too. 

//////

One of them sits tucked in your purse as you make your way to the eighth floor- Arms folded across your chest and the inside of your bottom lip speared between your teeth as the elevator takes you up.

Wanda stands beside you, of course. Sipping on her iced americano. You’d tried to tell her that she didn't need to come, that you were perfectly okay with going on your own. You’d gotten about two words out before she shut you down-

“I already took the afternoon off, don't be ridiculous”

You both know you wouldn't admit it, stubborn as you we’re, but you’d let out a big sigh of relief. You really didn't want to do this alone.

The waiting room is standard for this building, looks similar to the one that you sit in when you see your GP- save for a sign hanging about the door that labels it the OB-GYN.

Fake plants and those standard waiting room chairs that had that weird diagonal print on them TV’s that we’re playing the local news and tables stacked with months dated magazines. There was no windows though and it made the back of your neck feel hot.

The receptionists is nice. Middle aged with mild with droning, mellow voice. She checks you in fast and efficiently and tells you that you’ve got about a 15 minute wait on your hands.

Annoying, you think even though you give her a big grin and a sweet ‘thank you’. You’d been right on time. Why in all offices of all kinds is there always a fucking wait?

Wanda has plopped down on a chair in the corner and is fingering through an issue of LIFE, her long legs crossed at the knee. you sit next to her. The office air conditioner is blasting, it had been a muggy May in the city, but you feel overheated. You let the chunky cardigan you’d donned slip down one shoulder, exposing your skin to the chilly air.

You should feel the cold but you’re over heated. Nervous as hell. Why doesnt anyone else in this office seem nervous?

You tend to people watch when you get overly anxious like you are now. Tend to take in every little detail of every little thing around you.

There’s a black couple- the woman doesn't look pregnant but they’re holding hands tightly and they keep whispering to each other. He smiles and nudges her shoulder with his. Then there’s a Latina woman who looks just about ready to pop and is reading one of the kids book to a little boy with her eyes. A white lady, with twin carriers rocks them gently as she chats with a woman who looked to be related to her, maybe. Older and graying.

You feel like a creep but you can't stop looking at them all. Staring at each of the people who are at different stages of the same  life-path you found yourself on.

Wanda clicks her tongue as her dark eyes focus on the magazine. Muttering, her accent thick, about how the lenses they used for the shoot on the page was all wrong.

Her photographers eye was snobby and elitist.

“Y/N?” The nurse calls you back, not butchering your name which is nice and look over at your best friend.

“Are you sure you don't want me to come back with you?” Wanda whispers, big gingerbread eyes searching yours and you shake your head quickly.

You had to do this, on your own. What if...what if you ended up having to do this whole thing alone? You had to be grown, had to face this solo. That’s just how you felt, even if it might not be true.

“It’s just another appointment- I can do it on my own. I’ll live” there's a reasoning lilt in your voice that she doesn't quite buy but she nods all the same. Tells you that she’ll be waiting right there for you as you muster up all your courage and train your face into a smile, following the nurse into the back offices, the door mechanically closing behind the two of you.

The OB’s office is...warmer then you’d thought it would be. Her desk has frames of all types and her walls are plastered with colorful posters, making the alabaster of the wallpaper less daunting. There was even a window in here.

You’re perched up on the exam table/ chair thingy, staring out at the tall buildings across the street, at the people moving fast below on the sidewalks. You wonder what all of them are doing? How many of the have kids?...

When there’s a soft knock at the door your attention snaps back to the present.

Doctor Helen Cho is a petite Asian woman. She has glossy dark hair that's tied up in a clip high on the  back of her head, and her voice is friendly and her expression open as introduces herself to you and reaches out to shake your hand.

“I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you, too” You sound so much surer and more confident then you feel. It had always been your party trick- meeting new people and being able to talk to them. Leaving trails of barley there acquaintances in your wake.

“So it says here that you think you’re pregnant, yes?” She gets right to it, and your appreciative for it.

“Yeah, I know I am.  I took four tests and they all came out positive and I...I feel really off” you try to explain it, poorly but she seems to understand.

“When you say off, do you mean like bad feeling off or?” She probes as she sits at her desk, swivels her chair to face you. Her chocolate almond eyes weren't piercing or clinical, just waiting.

“Not really bad? But I’ve just been so tired lately and I’ve had like, zero appetite. And my breasts have been so sensitive that it hurts to put on a bra” as you tell here these things you could slap your head for not assuming you were pregnant before you’d taken the tests.

Dr. Cho hums and nods as she looks over her tablet “Well from the look of these results from those blood and urine tests your nurse went ahead and gave you when you came in, I can tell you that you are definitely about nine weeks pregnant- so those symptoms are right on with where you are”

You inhale and exhale, bigly. It’s real. It’s been real, was a notion, a happening but now...it’s so freaking real.

And there's a real life changing decision to be made-

That you’d already made before you’d even walked into this office but now seemed even clearer. Crystal, in that moment of clarity.

“I want to keep it” Your confident as you say it. Your voice cracks with some kind of emotion you couldn't even begin to explain, but you’re confident. You’re sure.

Dr. Cho grins at you, and stands, congratulating you then, after she’s sure you even want a congratulations. You like her, think you might.

It’s hard to focus on her voice though because all your mind can think of is the next big obstacle, the next big step in all of this.

How were you going to tell Bucky?

Okay guys? I posted? Crazy right? lol give me some feedback! Comment and tell me what you thought of this. I absolutely love interacting with you guys, but I’m sure ya’ll know that. 

Also- the taglist for this story is still OPEN, so if you’d like to be tagged in future chapters just ask!

@peacefulwriter88 @jaamesbbarnes @jalapenobarnes @brieannakeogh @gifsbysimplysonia @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @lostinspace33 @4theluvofall @plumfondler @tatathekissypotato @siren-kitten-his @skishenanigans @geekyweed @spidey-babe-parker @lastfallenstar @rachelle-on-the-run @prettybubblesintheair @dani-si 

[emorishh]

this sounds like a shitpost but it’s not:

IF your very first draft is NOT SHITTY, you are DOING IT WRONG!!!

you have no spelling errors? INCORRECT. do not go back to edit anything! ANYTHING! when you’re writing your first draft.

hey! STOP looking up synonyms! *hits you with a wooden spoon* BAD! BAD! just write the word you’re overusing way too much and come back to it AFTER you’re finished. and i mean FINISHED, you fool!

i am. trying to save your life here. DONT EDIT AS YOU WRITE. you’ll end up deleting whole sections of edited writing because it doesn’t fit with the plot, and it’ll feel terrible. don’t waste your time! please i’m BEGGING YOU—

hey. HEY! I SEE YOU BACKSPACING! N O ! you don’t have to absolutely limit yourself to NEVER backspacing, as i know it can be hard. but cut down the use on the delete button! try and train yourself to only delete when it’s necessary, like when you want to add an important detail that you might forget if you don’t do so. still, try not to backspace. that’s the same as editing, lads.

can’t think of the word? write a different word; a word that would never come up in your actual story. like iphone if you’re writing a medieval fantasy. then when you’re done and you’re ready to edit, highlight “iphone” throughout your entire work. Go through and edit as the context demands.

you should probably know some of the names of your characters, and maybe general age and a vague background. but keep it vague (for some of them, if you don’t want to do all), so their past can shift with your plot as the need arises.

additionally, if you can’t think of a character name, just write something stupid as hell, like bitchboy or idiot mcgee. then do as you do in #5.

it’s ok to interrupt your own writing here. write notes to yourself as to why you wrote a specific thing, what could change, etcetera.

an extension to the above is summarizing, but try not to use it too much. yes, you can summarize, but try to keep large blocks of summarizing off your actual writing draft.

stop reading here if u don’t want to hear abt a plot exercise i do! vvv vvv vvv

lastly, because this one is less about first drafts and more about plot: i don’t know how helpful this might be for y’all, it’s not super mega amazingly fantastic for helping me write... but it’s fun as hell, and it does help a bit with my own understanding of my story!:

write ur thought process!! pretend you’re explaining the plot to someone! but write it out! interrupt urself! things don’t have to be in logical order here. it’s just what u want to have happen, and important points you plan to include. here’s a very fucking long medium sized excerpt from my own thought process exercise, because i have no shame and i want to talk abt my writing...:

“ok so basically this fuckin story is about uhhh. magic n shit!! we love cliches in this house. anyways there’s sixteen mages and they’re all spread out across the land. it switches perspectives between them and they r basically trying 2 Not Die because some of the main kingdoms think magic is evil. fuck u cliches are fun u can’t tell me what to do. there’s one kingdom that’s like. “magic bad!”. cuz this one dumbass angstyboy had a Tragic Past and therefore decided to be buddy buddy with the king (who’s an idiot) to outlaw magic. if u use magic ur either executed or sentenced to jail time, where u will disappear before ur sentence ends. wack af. some of these mages live in this kingdom, which means they gotta hide their magic stuff. some of the mages tho, actually don’t have magic yet (it can develop later in life). and a lot of them don’t live in that kingdom, so they’re at less risk. but magic is technically illegal in all six kingdoms (w/ varying degrees of punishment severity), so they gotta b careful. what kicks off the start of the adventure? well, in the heart of the main yikes kingdom, one of the head knights discovers she has magic. throughout the story, each character meets up w/ each other until they’re all together in one group (which might not even happen in the first book lmao). there are other cool characters who contribute to this sexy ass plot...” (cont.)

(btw i have a blog for this wip, the url is magicandmages and it’s literally the worst and i never post but if u want to follow it u can. and honestly, if u show interest in it, it’ll give me motivation to write. so if u want to, go ahead,,)

[help-im-a-medstudent]

I am about to start writing my dissertation; do you have any magical advice to soften the brutal blow of what is to come?

None of this is magical I promise! But I hope it helps :)

If you haven't picked a topic yet - don't just go for the first thing that appears because you're worried about deadlines for proposals. We were told about research opportunities in the department but could find our own supervisors. I had no clue what I wanted to do and met with a few of the supervisors and discussed their research. I ended up doing something original which came from a tangent of a conversation with one supervisor.

I did an online survey for data collection, I cant speak for lab work/meta analysis/review work much but some of this will probably still apply:

Be persistent - I emailed over 30 universities, sent it to friends, put it on a load of facebook groups etc to get the survey posted in places, you'll get a better response and i know I did enough and got a good sample

One thing I wish I'd done was write more of my introduction as I was waiting for data collection. It depends on whether you're doing other modules at the same time or maybe if you have more active data collection you wont have time

Plan a date/number of participants to stop data collection and stick to it! Unless you are really really struggling with participants and need to keep it open longer but if not, dont just say "oh maybe another week" because if things go wrong later and you run out of time for two extra responses you'll kick yourself

Aa dissertation will need editing. Serious editing. Leave time for it. I finished the discussion just under 3 weeks before the deadline, I got the first draft without the discussion to my supervisor a month before the deadline

Dont be afraid to ask stupid questions, and loads of them. Use your supervisor dont struggle on your own

Document everything! Who you've contacted, who replied, how you decided which participants would be in what group, which statistical tests you did, which participants you removed etc. You'll thank yourself when you're writing methods!

Even if you leave references to the end, as you write, add something thay reminds you. I tended to do {first author surname, year}. Then when I was checking, i searched for { so that I didnt miss any as I was changing them

And this which has been my life saviour not just for the dissertation but for essays this year in general:

Mendeley. This is a referencing software, it's free, it integrates with Microsoft word and there is a chrome plugin which will get the reference details of any paper you are looking at and can download pdfs (if you have access to the paper). Obviously you still need to double check that its accurate but it is such a time saver. Then when you're writing you can use the Word plugin to add them as you go and it creates a bibliography. I find it a lot easier to use than endnote and you can access your library online as well.

That's all I can think of right now! But good luck with your dissertation :)

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 12

spoookyyyy season, lmao I tried answering as many as I could but now I am going to be deleting the rest of my inbox so sorry if I didn’t get to answer you :( also WCIFs are on hiatus rn but you can find a lot of the stuff I use on my cc finds blog

Anonymous said: hey, have you ever thought about making a blackpink inspired hair?            

Most of my hairs start off being K-Pop inspired and then don’t look like what I was trying to achieve, so if I tried making one it wouldn’t look right once I finished it haha, I have a hair based off Lisa though!

Anonymous said: are all of your hairs also male compatible? there's a guy sim i want to make who has shoulder length hair and one of yours would be great to use

I never check that since I make them for female sims, but if you change some tags in S4S you should be able to check the hair you want yourself :D

Anonymous said: would you be ok with people converting your hair?       

Sure! I plan on converting some hairs eventually but if other people do it then I don’t mind at all. Just credit me obvi and link to the original post

Anonymous said: Hey, I love your CC (especially the hairs) and your sims are so beautiful! However, I noticed that so far you only uploaded your female sims (not that I’m complaining, they’re all gorgeous!) but I was just wondering if you could upload one or two male sims sometime? They look amazing too!            

I actually have had my male model sim in my drafts since JANUARY ready to post, I just need to get his tray files haha. Will try to do it soon! Also ty

Anonymous said: Have you posted your female "model" for everything on the sims 4 gallery?

yeah they’re on the gallery! Aharris00britney is my origin ID

Anonymous said: hiya, i was wondering if you created your own hair textures or if you used ea's (or anyone else's textures)? thanks!            

I use EA textures as bases and usually edit them somehow by combining different ones together when needed.

@ellebellsims​ said: Hello! Tysm for all the lovely hairs you provide for us! I end up using at least one of your hairs for every household in my game, haha. I had two quick questions.. the first, for someone that has limited abilities in making recolors (and never with hair before) how difficult is it to add an ombre accessory or recolor for one of your hairs? Also, how difficult would it be to convert for kids?    

Recolors are really easy to do, there are tons of tutorials on YouTube that will help with that. Ombre accessories are a bit challenging but hopefully I can get a tutorial for those out one day. Converting to kids is really simple if you know Blender basics, you can use my converting to adults tutorial to get an idea of how a conversion would work.        

Anonymous said: You had a obession with the flowers lmao            

lmao, very true!

Anonymous said: wcif the ice cream in this post? /post/174729716466/icecreamedit            

the ice cream was drawn in by @ayoshi-sims​ :( so it isn’t a real thing

@wholegrainsims​ said: hey there! i saw in your about that your favorite show is game of thrones! mine too! also your hair that’s coming out on 9/30 looks like a mm cersei hair & i’ve been dying for some mm got cc! looking forward to it!            

omg true! I didn’t even think of Cersei while making it lmao, thank you for pointing that out to me :D

Anonymous said: O M G  your selfie in the 57 facts tag was the most adorable thing ever. You're like insanely handsome?? I am shook???

Anonymous said: how does you feel being extremely beautiful?          

@theforgottensimblr​ said: omg, just saw your post at the fire alarm and I just have to say that you are so cute. That's it, you're cute. Hope you're having a good day        

Anonymous said: YOU ARE SO BOOTIFUL      

Anonymous said: You are a very beautiful human being. I like your face and personality very much.❤️                  

haha thank you guys! I don’t find myself that attractive of a person so the compliments helps keep me from being super self conscious :P thank you again <3 very much appreciated

Anonymous said: not sims related, but opinions on the most recent bts comeback?            

I don’t keep up with a lot of the boy group comebacks, but I listened to it and thought it was okay? I am pretty strictly into girl groups/female singers though so I’m not the best person to ask about it haha

Anonymous said: hi austin!! i just wanted to say i love your creations and you are one of the most amazing hair creators out there! but i had a quick question: will you ever put your "dean" hair model available for download? 

I don’t know if he is saved, but if he is I will try to put him for download!

Anonymous said: ok so i have a question if you dont mind, i feel like it's kind of stupid but how do you manage to move parts of the hair mesh in edit mode without the part you selected like 'seperating' from the part you didn't select and making a big ass gap in the mesh? like does that make sense? when i try to edit shit in edit mode i cant ever bc the faces separate from eachother when i try to translate a part of it or make it smaller, etc. if this makes sense, thank you if not im sorry im just stupid.            

REMOVE DOUBLES!!!! lmao that is the only way you will get anything done in edit mode. Proportional Edit Tool and Removing doubles from the entire mesh makes it a lot easier than sculpt mode. Make sure to split edges later though

@bishyouknowit​ said: I just recently went cc free and now I see your new hairs and I just wanna download all the hairs I had from you again and put them back in my game. I love your stuff so much!! ❤❤❤❤❤

aww thank you!! I am glad you like my cc <3 good luck staying cc free haha I could neverrrr

@bangtansabotage​ said: who's your loona bias?        

Kim Lip <3 then Yves, Jinsoul, and Hyunjin

Anonymous said: Absolutely love the content you're coming out with! You're so talented. 💝

thank you so much <3 glad you are enjoying my cc as much as I enjoy making it :P

Anonymous said: Is it wrong I forgot you were a guy?            

Yes.... LMAO egfdbv I am joking :P It is fine you forgot, it isn’t like I am posting a selfie everyday showing off my radiating masculinity sfdcfbvb which I don’t even have

Anonymous said: you’re very good 👌🏼

at what 👀👀 ****** ***?

Anonymous said: Do you put your things up on Simsdom? because I just found you Em hair on there            

I don’t :( but as long as they are linking to my post and not to the download link there isn’t much I can do.

Anonymous said: Columbus never set food in North America, he landed on various Caribbean islands. Also, Delaware was the first state.

take that up with my history teacher from like 2nd grade ok rwedffvb

Anonymous said: you're in virginia? I go to college in virginia too but i'm from missouri!! it's cool to think that one of my favorite content creators is so close to me! much love!!!!           

ooooo exciting!!! I go to Radford lmao it is like 30 minutes from Virginia Tech

Anonymous said: Yooo! You're from VA! Ive never met anyone online from VA except from me!

omg that is crazy you’ve never met anyone from here before haha, I have only met like one or two so makes sense I guess

[joonsgalaxy]

forgive me for sending in so many (you don't have to answer all) but I've been trying to learn more about writing fiction and you're one of my favs on this website so there are quite a few I wanted to ask: 11, 16, 31, 42, 54

one of your favs? :’) my goodness thank you for making my day!

11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.

my first draft is always written in a notebook. the second one on a phone or a computer. then i edit it (sometimes once, sometimes literally 27 times). idk what else to tell you lol. there are some wips that i only have bullet points of, but usually i don’t plan fics like that because i’m lazy and i don’t care :)) the most important thing is to always write down any ideas i have, dialogues that pop into my head, because i always forget about it later, so yeah i have some random things written that i check from time to time when i write the fic. does this even make sense? hehe

16. Where do you take your motivation from?

Most of the time I’m really lacking motivation :(( But sometimes thinking about readers helps me. And sometimes my characters keep living in my head and annoying me until I write their story, then they disappear from my mind and that motivates me to write lmao (by annoying me i don’t mean they tell me to write, but they just are reliving the same scenes for hundreds of times and so eventually i get tired of those images)

31. Hardest character to write.

If we’re talking names then Jimin or Tae or Jin probably. If we’re talking personalities n stuff then idk i think dumb people?? like it’s difficult for me to write about oblivious and stupid people that only care about one or two things in life?? idk how to explain it lmao

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

It just sort of comes to me? I don’t try hard on these things, but sometimes I ask myself: “would this character really act like this? do their past affect their present? what happened to them that made them this way? what is their star sign?” and i just kinda try to come up with things and try to see their life as a real existing thing. There are some great posts on tumblr and other websites with personality traits and stuff though so it might be helpful for you? x ; x

54. Any writing advice you want to share?

Have fun. There’s no point in writing if you don’t have fun with it. Let your mind wander, let your characters say and do weird things, and if you don’t like it eventually in the final draft you can change it. don’t feel pressured to write in a certain way. there are literally no rules. and if someone tells you that there are then they’re lying to themselves and to you!!

[rabidravi]

God's Angel🙏👼 (Taemin Scenario)

A/N: uhhh well this was a joke I wrote specifically for a friend a timeee ago and since this blog is where I post all my shit posts I thought why not unleash this mess for the whole world. I think it is quite needed in these circumstances to bring spirits up, make you question life or just have a laugh over stupid content or something iDK JKDSF. IT’S STUPID AND IT WAS JOKES BETWEEN FRIENDS AND I WROTE THIS IN LIKE HALF AN HOUR SO HJVJ. I edited it so it’s A BIT enhanced from the original which was a straight draft so ye editing WAS NEEDED to some extent

It was just your average ordinary day; the sun was shining; the birds were chirping; a truly beautiful day. You couldn't possibly imagine that things could get any better. Since it was such a nice day you figured you walk along what looked like a peaceful, flowery road instead of your usual boring route home from school. It was as if the road possessed you to travel down it as you traveled forward, giving not a second looking back. The further you walked, the darker the path grew with each and every step forward you took.

"My family didn't raise no chicken on our farm. _____, you can do this," you assured yourself as you carried on.

You trudged ahead, eventually reaching a part of the path that was covered in mud which you began to struggle through. Each lifted foot equaled a sink lower into the mud. You began to panic.

"Please God, don't let me die like this. I have yet to see my mans in real life yet."

At that moment, a burst of light shone in your view, it was too bright to catch a glimpse of what was happening. Only seconds later the light cleared and your feet were left feeling lighter and free. When you opened your eyes and looked down at your feet, you noticed the mud that seconds before you were surrounded by was no longer there.

"What the hell..."

"You're welcome."

Your head shot up at the sound of the familiar voice.

"T-TAEMIN?"

"Hello ____!" He was bright, not only because he was wearing bright yellow colors or because of his attitude but because his skin glowed. It was hard to look at him. He couldn’t have been real.

"Now before you ask, I am here because God summoned me. And I’ll admit I was hesitant to come because I was in the middle of watching anime but you know how God is, so demanding."

You looked up at the sky and mouthed, "Thank you."

Taemin burst out laughing. "Wow bitch you bout’ gullible as hell!"

"But then why are you here?"

"I was just bored wandering around when I heard a voice interrupt my peace of thought. Yeah yours. Talking about chickens and whatnot."

"Ok but what about the mud...where did it go?"

"I swished it away to save your dumb ass. Again, you're welcome."

"YOU HAVE POWERS? THATS SO COOL. I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A GOD."

"What you so loud for? Jeez. Keep quiet or I'm gonna make the mud reappear. Sooo you're my fan? Do you have a fan account? Because you seem like a person who would. Lemme see your phone."

All Taemin had to do was lift his hand for your phone to come flying over to it like a magnet. He smirked at your lock screen of him before unlocking it with his magic hands. You didn't bother to comment to avoid getting blasted by Taemin again.

"Your tweets are funny."

You blushed at his words. He continued to scroll through your page for a solid minute until he suddenly stopped. He stared blankly at your phone without saying a word.

"Is something wrong? OMG PLEASE DONT TELL ME YOU'RE LOOKING THROUGH MY DMS."

"Hakyeon. From VIXX? You ult him?"

"....yes...? Is there a problem?"

"I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR ONE AND ONLY. YOU TRAITOR!"

"TAEMIN I LOVE YOU DON'T BE RIDICULOUS."

"IF YOU LOVE ME THEN WHY IS HE YOUR PROFILE PIC AND NOT ME?"

"I CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT A TIME WHY YOU ON MY DICK."

"IM NOT ON YOUR DICK BUT YOU SHOULD BE ON MINE, AND MINE ONLY."

"Um. Okay. I mean. If you want me to."

"YES I WANT YOU TO."

"Like literally right here? Right now?"

"DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?"

So you did as he pleased. You were down on your knees, ready to show him your loyalty, when Taemin suddenly grabbed you by your hair.

"You think I'd let a snake like you have a taste of me? Think again."

He covered your eyes with his other hand and with a poof, you fainted.

You woke up with the inability to feel your legs. As you slowly blinked your eyes open, your view was lower than before. It pained you to lift your head and when you tried to pull yourself up, you couldn't at all.

"Loving the new look! You're looking more like yourself which is great!"

"Taemin, what did you do to me?" you stuttered.

"Well since you want to be a snake, I made you one. Does it feel good to finally be your true form? No need to thank me this time, it was my pleasure. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some anime to watch. Toodles!"

And so you were left there. Alone. Luckily, he left your phone on the floor. You slithered to it in hopes of getting help but with no hands and just a tongue, it was no use.

"All this just cause of another man...men are really trash."

"You sssaid it sssisss," a long bodied snake agreed, its voice sounding too familiar.

"...Hakyeon?"

[icarus-tirade]

4.29.2021

Oh boi, do I have a shit tonight

1.) My mom pissed me off so badly cause HOW ARE YOU GONNA WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME THE PLAN FOR PAYING FOR MY HOUSING FOR COLLEGE?! I ASKED FOR THAT SHIR LAST WEEK AND WE WENT THROUGH LIKE A 3 DAY PROCESS (something that should only take 1 day mind you) SO YOU COULD GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED AND YOU HOLD IN YOUR PLAN UNTIL I FUCKING CALL YOU* AND ASK ABOUT IT AND I FIND OUT THAT YOU HAD DAD DOING IT BUT NEVER TOLD HIM THE FUCKING PLAN?! AND THEN HAVE THE GALLLLLL TO ACT RIMID LIKE IT'S NOT YOUR FUXKIN FAULT THAT NO ONE BUT YOU KNOWS THE PLAN!! AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING BRAND NEW??? Usually what happens when I need money for school is, parents put money on my credit card and then I pay for stuff but this time MOM IS TRYING TO PAY DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SCHOOL?! AND NOT INVOLVE ME, which would be fine IF SHE DIDN'T FUXK IT UP COMPLETELY!!! She tells me it's all been taken care of by dad when I call her today and so I ask to talk to dad cause he sent me some snacks and I wanna say thank you right? So after talking to dad about the snacks he asks me for a link to the school so he can pay for the housing... meaning it hasn't been done yet. And I'm like, well... I'll just type out the convo

Dad: I need a link to the payment thing so I can pay for housing

Me: What link?

Dad: You sent me all your info, and thank you for that, but I need the link too. I don't know what to do and where to go

Me still confused: mom asked for that stuff so I sent it, I don't know why she wanted it and I don't know what link you're talking about

So finally dad calls mom into the room because we BOTH don't know what's happening and that's when mom has a small voice all of a sudden and is like "I thought we could just pay through the school" AND SO NOW IM PISSED AND STRESSED CAUSE IM DESPERATELY LOOKING THROUGH MY EMAIL ANS THE SCHOOL WEBISTE FOR A PAY DESTINATION WHILE TRYING TO KEEP THE ANGER OUTTA MY VOICE AND MY ANGRY/STRESSED TEARS AT BAY DURING MY CONVERSATION WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO MEEEE!!! THEN I FIND IT AND THEY ADD THE MONEY TO MY CARD (my card that's in the truck cause I left it outside by accident) so I put them on hold and run around looking for the keys that papa had in his pocket and Jammie is trying to get me to calm down and explain but I'm pissed and stressed so that's just making it worse* so I pay (and send them a picture of the receipt that mom wants cause I guess she don't trust me now even though I've done nothing to deserve this lack of trust with school money so fuxk her) after getting my shit and go back to talking to dad who I don't wanna talk to anymore cause I'm fed up and trying not to cry

2.) YOU*: they usually call me at least once a week but they been mad silent since last week which is no Bueno cause I need to know if I have the money or not to pay for the fucking fee OR if they have paid for it SO FUXKING CALL ME CAUSE I AINT TRYIN TO CALL YOU! THEY ALWAYS LACKIN WHEN IT COMES TO DOING SHIT FOR ME. I asked mom WEEKS ago if she could get a refill on my medicine and so when I check in today she NOW wants to tell me that there's been complications cause I'm 18 so I kinda need to do it. AGAIN I'd be fine with that IF SHE AINT WAIT THIS LONG DURING ALLERGY SEASON!! THIS IS SHIT I GOTTA KNOW SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING THIS LONG TO SAY SOMETHING?!

3.) Worse*: Jammie LOVES to talk about how trash my dad is depressed or bipolar (he's fuckin not so I really wished she'd stop saying that, IM bipolar so I know he's not she doesn't even know what she's talking about and it irritates me). So when she had me explain what's happening and I rant about mom fucking everything up she starts blaming dad??? She says that they planned what to say when I called and how to act and that my dad is orchestrating the whole thing like,,, no? Were you even listening to me??? So I repeat that MOM is acting brand new and dad and I don't understand what's happening but she continues to tell me that it's dad who's the blame. I tell her dad is not the only bad guy and is not ALWAYS the bad guy, I know he's shit alot of times but he's not always bad he was a good dad once and he still has his good dad moments, but she REFUSES to listen to me! And keeps blaming him and I KNOW it's cause she doesn't wanna view mom, he daughter, as a bad person and wants to put all the blame on dad BUT THATS NOT TRUE AND IM TIRED OF HER PRETENDING!! LISTEN TO WHAT THE FUXK IM SAYING AND STOP LIVING IN YOUR DELUSIONS!

4.) Dad and I were talking and it was fine UNTIL HE SAID HIS DUMBASS STATEMENT ABOUT ME BEEING TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! Ever sense I've gotten diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder he's taken that and RAN with it. But he uses it in the sense that sometimes I'm calm and sometimes I'm angry and just negative (disrespectful, argumentive, defiant, indifferent, and rude) BUT THATS NOW WHAT BIPOLAR IS. Its basically on and off depression and mania. But his favorite statement is "I don't know which you I'm getting" LIKE BITCH SHUT THE FUXK UP YOU CANT EVEN TELL WHEN IM SAD EVEN WHEN I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES YOUR DUMBASS THINKS I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU GET MAD AT ME AND MAKE IT WORSE! He's never said his "favorite statement" UNTILL I got diagnosed so I KNOW IT'S CAP. YOU DONT KNOW ME SO DONT PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND ME ALL OF A SUDDEN! YOU'RE FAKE AS FUXK! And this was all sparked because I asked if I could watch a show now that I'm 18 and he was like "Wow! She's respectful!" BITCH IVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL IM JOT ACTING NEW IM ACTING THE SAME SO WHY ARE YOU TRIPPIN' ??? He said he was surprised I asked because he didn't think I cared about their opinion but literally thats all I cared about!? I acted and behaved in a way that would make them happy and praise me because I constantly wanted validation that I was a good kid, that they loved and cared for me, and that I wasn't a problem and inconvenience because I was alive. SO HE'S FUCKIN STUPID AND THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER I CALMED DOWN. "I dOnT kNoW wHaT yOu Im GetTiNG" LIKE BITCH AHUT THE FUXK UP!! YOU SOUND MAD STUPID

5.) Broski if you see this, I wanna explain my "cowardice" earlier today. Look bro, I view my rant Tumblr as a diary of some sorts. That's why I changed my little description/bio to a quote joke about Journaling from my therapist cause I view this as my Journaling so I can better manage my feelings and get them out in a way that's not harmful to me. With that being said, announcing "Lets read ______ tumblr" is gonna immediately activate my fight or flight. These rants are private and personal to me. I've literally described it as like take a trip or look into the doors of my mind. Sharing my feelings and opinions are always scary to me because I'm afraid of being looked at in a negative light you know cause childhood trauma. You know I'm afraid to share my feelings bro. Let's uh, go back to the question "How much do you trust your friends" and I trust yall a Hella lot but I don't trust ANYONE 100% with my feelings except me. NO ONE. So with that being said, knowing that'd you he actively reading my rant Tumblr with me there was too much and I didn't like it at all. I find that extremely stressful and it made me wanna instantly draft all my recent shit. The main reason I let you look at this Tumblr is because I DONT KNOW WHEN you're looking at it. You might not see it until weeks later so I don't worry about it, you might forget all about it, but if you tell me you're currently reading it or when you're going to read it, then my anxiety kicks in and I panic and fight the urge to edit everything and hide anything that might stand out as weird or bad to anyone else. So yeah, please never let me know you're about to read my rant Tumblr again unless I tell you to specifically look at a post :) also the reason I didn't text you this was because 1.) I never really planned to explain myself cause I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation and it was hard/long to type out or say anyways and 2.) Because of the stuff that happened in sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. I didn't feel like talking to anyone after that.