#i just wish someone were rhere for me

[cutiecorner]

[hinoko-takami]

Hello. I am coming here to just scream into a void. I dont want to burden our friends with this but the words need to get out of my head.

Things have been extremely hard on us recently. To keep things short, we lost a lot of people we thought good friends, and our stress levels have been super high ever sence. We made some new friends but they have their own dramas we are trying to stay out of.

I, Death, have been frontstuck for a few days now and its begining to take a toll on me. I understand why nobody wants to be front for long now. We were switching a lot more before I got stuck. We're worried that the stress of these events are going to cause us to have a new host, or for our host to split. We really dont want that, mostly for our non-system friends.

We can deal with it, we have before im sure, but the pain it could cause our friends, who dont fully understand, would be too intense. We risk loosing them too. Not out of being upset, but out of not having that same bond.

We try to make a bond with them whenever someone else is front, but i worry its not enough. I'm very afraid of that. What would we do if we lost them? I dont even know.

We dont want a new host. We dont want to split, we dont want people to go dormant. We just want to feel better.

Our friend, ill call them 1, was talking to me, and out of nowhere they said they missed our host. I felt dread. I didnt know how to react, knowing that theres a possibility that they could never see him again. It would hurt them too much. I dont want them to hurt.

Its simalar with our other friend, 2. She seems distant from us whenever its not our host fronting. I understand, but it hurts... we care for her too. Most of us have a good memory of our friends, so to feel like we're being distanced hurts, especially after everything that just happened.

As I mentioned prior, ive been frontstuck for a while. I think today is day 4. Imnnit holding up as well as i thought i would. Im usually a very happy person, but stress finally caught up to me last night. I had been able to distract myself from how much i missed my family in the inner world, as i found myself enamored with another person from another system. They had to switch out and i feel as though i did something wrong, despite knowing i havent. When another person fronted, he and i talked, the way he spoke about my friend hurt to hear, but i didn't fight anything. He was the one who made me feel i was doing something wrong, despite again. Doing nothing wrong. It wasn't intentional on his part and inhold no ill will against him, i would actually like to know him better, but still. My friend is curently on what is esentially time out from fronting for a little while, for what i feel to be a ridiculous reason. Regardless, its not my choice to make.

It doesn't help that i have a hard time with social interactions. We are autistic, and some people have it worse than others. I personally struggle heavily with social cues, tone indicaton, intense emotions, and i have an awful time articulating my emotions, even to myself. We also have severe social anxiety, which just makes it worse. I want to get to know people better, i want to be social, i just struggle a lot with it.

I lost rhe point of this, then again, was rhere wver really a point? The point is that im stressed and anxious and depressed. The point is i dont want to be front anymore. The point is that i want my family.

Thank you if you've read this far, for whatever reason. I wish you a good day.

-Death

[moe-broey]

I'm usually like. Overly cautious about how much I share online and like maybe I'll delete this later but I had a deeply unhinged experience today and I desperately need to get it out of my system LMFAOOOOOO so I'm sharing some messages I sent to my sisters (they're currently overseas so. Timezones. Ect. No one has heard my plea) (yet)

Also putting it under a readmore for my own sake tbh bc I think I'll take psychic damage if. It's just rhere. Looking at me wheneve r I check my blog

But like the jist of it and true takeaway is that, I, extremely queer autistic guy, ended up having a very in depth THOROUGH conversation with my very Christian dad about queer identity, attraction model, the whole nine yards and I think it broke both of us actually

Like girl. Girl. Where do I even start here. Like unpacking any of this.

I guess some notes/clarifications:

> Penis doesn't equal inherently masculine I just flubbed the wording/represented the flubbed wording as it was in my text. I love girldick girldick is so fuckinh cool

> Maybe didn't explain my demisexuality very well either but half of that is a consequence of not being able to navigate it very well in the first place. To the point where I've actually gone back and forth on IDing as demi for a long time. Like maybe I just have issues and autism. It could be any of those things it could be all of those things LMFAO

> Feels worth mentioning when I say Christian I don't mean all Christians are like this. I just happen to come from The Bad Place. The shitty side of it. Unfortunate, but it happens. My approach w any religion/faith nowadays is to be as understanding and empathetic as possible. It's a bit of a personal thing for me actually, even if spirituality isn't for me, I like to understand why it is for someone else. It helps me understand that person, As a person, better. It can be interesting too!

AUGH. I'M. Feeling burnt again. But. I guess final notes for peer review:

> Was This Ableism when it came to my dad's attitude towards me or Is It Just Cause He's My Dad???? The desexualization of autistic people is a huge thing but also I am literally his offspring. It's certainly a weird area for anyone to navigate.

> Was This Ableism, 2!!! Or Is It Some Amalgamation of. Man I don't even know. I'm his youngest I'm autistic I'm afab I have a lot of things going on that makes it so everyone looooooooves dismissing me and invalidating me and saying I've been misled or tricked or influenced as if I can't think for myself or know how I really feel. I'm gonna puke about it LMFAOOOOOOOOO

All this considered, though, it is worth mentioning (and really, truly, this can be the hardest part), that despite all this. I am very loved. I might rag on my dad have some grievances but he does love me. Hell he even makes accommodations for me, like he literally built a door between the living room and kitchen because I was overwhelmed by the lights being on when he's cooking and the sound of running water. That's one example, but there are more I just don't feel like sharing. And I say being loved is the hardest part because as an autistic guy the grey in things I wish were black and white and easy to understand is my greatest enemy LMFAO

Anyway post over now I feel sick LMFAO my tummy hurdts 😢 SO SAD SO SAD 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

[allstarsstorymode867]

ALL-STARS -STORY MODE- CHAPTER 18 PART 5 -Final Part-

Part 4

This is the final part of the chapter so please give credit to @sampoststuff for providing artwork for the chapter as well, enjoy.

-Meanwhile, with Frank West and Ultimis Takeo-

The woman was walking out of the store when she had spotted Frank and Ultimis Takeo coming in, “Rhere she is!” he spotted her before the central american woman ran over to her bike as they ran after her.

She got on it just in time, stepped the pedal and the bike spurts to life before she took off then aimed the bike towards them. She accelerated towards them with no chance of stopping, they managed to jump out of the way when the bike rushed past where they stood.

She stopped with one leg to support her weight on the bike, ready to attack.

Psycho Encounter!

Isabela Keyes

“Get ready…” Takeo muttered under his breath, he held the sword’s handle as it was hidden inside the sheath. Frank stood by as well with a bat, blood pumping in his veins with a thrill. “This is crazy…” he thought as the bike roared and then ran towards one of them; it was Ultimis Takeo.

He did not want to bring any harm to her but they needed to get her off of the motorbike somehow, he stepped aside, and round, and used a blunt side of the katana sword to get her bike on the right side. It never made contact with the woman but it did on the bike and it caused a little damage to it.

The warrior looked at the photojournalist and then looked in the direction that shocked him and yelled “Move!”

Frank heard the smell of gas and then turned but it was too late, he was on the ground within an instant when the motorbike rammed him on the side of his hips. He held his side in pain as he sneered his teeth, “Sh!t… Should’ve seen it coming.”

He stumbled onto his feet again as he grabbed onto the bat tightly with his one eye closed as his breath hitched. The motorbike turned and the lady revved the engine again, “Alright.” he muttered as he used his other hand to hold the bat. The woman gunned it again and he managed to step out of the way and hit the motorbike, there were sputters from it.

Ultimis Takeo and Frank West heard it and they need to get her off of the bike now, the Seon's Food & Stuff Grocery Store is near the construction site that was still underway, well, was underway before the outbreak with the undead. So, it was easy for them as a start.

Frank West noticed a pipe just laying on the wooden makeshift desk next to the scaffolding and ran towards it as the bike revived and heard the wheels screeching had reached his ears, his feet beating against the floor as he reached the desk with the bike coming much closer than he thought.

The woman had the motorbike aimed at him when she stepped the gas pedal to go faster, intended to run him over under the two-wheeled vehicle but he turned, holding the pipe in a spear position, reared back and launched it into one of the wheels.

U!Takeo wasn’t sure if this is what he had planned to happen or had accidentally thrown it out of fear but he watched the pipe launch into a wheel, getting caught between the wheel and telescope fork then her and the motorcycle flipped over and landing in a crash with the woman grunted in pain.

Frank took a chance and ran over to her while she was trying to crawl away. He protested as he got closer “Wait, we just want to talk to you!” but the woman wasn’t listening as she, instead, kicked him a few times while Takeo was coming over to them. She even got Frank in the groin as he had to get on top of her and pinned her as the captain catches up and held his katana sword, ready to unsheathe it when she tried to do anything.

“We are not going to hurt you!” the photojournalist finally reasoned, “We only needed to talk. Now, whaddya know about all this anyway?”

“Are you… a reporter?” she asked, out of breath.

“Yeah.” and Takeo nodded to confirm it.

U!Takeo observed the strange woman who was pinned to the ground, she seemed to think about this situation for a moment before she finally said “Let go…” and Frank looked disappointed but the woman persisted “I won’t run, now let go! You’re hurting me.”

Frank finally gets off of her and stands up as Takeo lets go of the handle as he was a bit surprised yet impressed but he doesn’t show it on his face but he did raise a brow towards this encounter. “You, American, are as aggressive as Dempsey-khan.” he thought as he looked at Frank who placed his hands on his hips as the woman was sitting on the ground.

“How much do you two want to know about all of this?” was the first thing that she asked them, “Is help coming here?”

“Hold your horses babe! We’re the ones asking questions in this mall.” Frank West shot back, making it too rough since he had gone through enough of this today, “Now, what do you know about Santa Cabeza?” he questioned, “And how is it connected to all of this?”

The woman remained silent for a moment before finally answering yet Takeo has known since they came but is confused about who: “The zombies were made by you, not us. That’s what Carlito wants you all to know.”

“Who is rhis Cartilo, ma’am?” Takeo kneeled down on one knee as well with the reporter to question her more. “Yeah, who is that guy?”

“If you wish to interview him, talk to Cartlio, he has all of the answers you desperately wanted.” she answered further and it’s not enough to put two and two together to know who she is referring to.

“You are talking about the one who kidnapped the professor?” Takeo said with his brows furrowed toward her, Frank West wasn’t far behind as he added “And the one that took potshots at us earlier with a sniper rifle, right?”

The woman nodded, looking a bit shamed but she admitted “Yes.”

“Take us to him, now.” Takeo commanded but the woman looked at him, “No!” she protested out of distress, “He’s too injured and not in the mood to talk to anyone.” She explained as Frank and U!Takeo raised eyebrows. “I’ll bring him to you once he’s recovered.” she offered as her voice softened a little, “I can persuade him. I’m his little sister after all.”

“How can re trust that you can bring him to us? For Frank West’s zombie story?” Takeo asked as he looked at Frank West who looked at him and then to the woman again. She seemed to know exactly how yet struggled to show as she looked at the floor as she thinks and then looked at the two men again.

“The zombies are a message from Carlito. He wanted people to know.” she said as she got up on her feet once again, bruised like a banana but okay, Takeo sighed and said “Fine, you can leave now.” and was going to ask her when Frank West did that for him, “When can we see you again?” as he wanted to trust her if she can get Carlito.

“Meet us in a store next to the camera shop, at midnight tonight.” she answered as she began to walk away but stopped to turn to face them, making eye contact once more.

“I am Isabella, by the way.” She introduced herself softly. “And I will come back, I promise.” as she walked over to the motorbike that is somehow still intact, got on and then drove away. Ultimis Takeo and Frank stood byto watch her go and the ladder said “That went well” under his breath.

“After you had to flip the bike over, you could not think of any better way?” U!Takeo insulted with his sharp tongue as he eyed the young man before him. “Your only source would’ve died rhen you did rhat.”

“Hey,” Frank spat back, “it was a good idea to do.”

“Focus on rhe matter now, re have to be back for- '' a scream was heard from afar that made Frank jump and Ultimis Takeo looked at the direction of the noise.

“That was from Paradise Plaza.” Frank said his thoughts out loud as Takeo now looked at him. “Someone is alive and may be in danger” Takeo related, getting up on his feet and dusting himself off as Frank West looked at him in confusion.

“Are you saying that we had to get there right now?”

“Hai,” Takeo nodded as he headed back to the storage area, with Frank West behind him. “You have kamera on you, yes? You will use to see what we are dealing rith.”

“Yeah, I had covered wars you know.”

“I know you do, West-San.”

“Tak, please just call me Frank.”

-Paradise Plaza-

Two survivors of the outbreak ran down the plaza as two hatchets flew past them, they stopped to catch breath for a moment while the other looked around for a place to hide, a place they at least hoped had weapons to fight back with.

“That manic is gonna kill us…!”

“I know I know!” They told one another as they looked behind them to see their purserer before his attention turned to the store closest to them, nudging his friend’s arm with his elbow and whispering “There, that one!”

They then took off from her sight and hid in a toy store called “Ye Olde Toybox '' as a woman’s voice was singing, oh dear god, the singing, as if she was taunting them for their attempts to run from her. They went separately from each other to try to make it harder for her to find them but the store’s lighting was giving them away so they hid in dark areas of the store.

The purser opened up the door and then walked in, humming the same lullaby as her shadow was dewandled a little by the forensent lights above her. Her bandaged bare feet were dirty with mud and blood as she stalked the store, looking for the two men trying to hide.

The survivor male was hiding under a counter while his friend was in the pile of stuffed toys, he was holding on the walls of the counter as he was scooting himself away from her sight as he heard her getting closer. He jumped when he heard his friend scream. The psychopath found him and she raised her ax, around and brought it down onto his head, splitting it open like a melon and the screaming was silenced.

The man was shaking in place as the woman laughed a little before resuming the lullaby that he wanted so desperately to block out as she threw the fresh corpse over her shoulder and then began to walk towards the door when she stopped and then looked around the store.

The man was praying and pleading for that killer to just leave and don’t find him behind the counter as he managed to get to the back of the store, just no escape route in that storage but there was a closet strangely there. The wood was painted red but chips of the paint were coming off to reveal the original surface of the wood it was made of.

Hearing the killer coming closer, he quietly dashed towards the closet, grabbed the blackened handles, pulled it open and then went inside. The humming was coming closer as he was listening from the inside of the closet as he held his breath to hush it as the sweat on his brow went down his forehead.

Footsteps are coming closer then stopped, the man was confused at first but then jumped when the woman with a bloodied paper mache mask, the Huntress, with red-pubiled black eyes looked at him in the eyes as he yelled.

He was going to run when an ax was slashed into the wood to block his exit and he was grabbed by the neck before being pulled out. He punched her in the face as she grunted in pain but then giggled as she watched him run.

He ran but he hadn't gotten far out of the toy store when he felt a hatchet bedded into her spine and fell to the ground with a scream. He can’t feel his legs so she had left him paralazyed on the floor as he was crawling away as the Huntress returns while she is humming that same damned lullaby to fit the mental taunt.

He screamed for help when she slammed her foot onto his side to hurt the prey even more and then he turned over to see her, she looked down on him as she readied her ax and took careful aim.

He pleaded “Please! Don’t do it!” but it fell on deaf ears as she brought the blade and slashed the throat and blood threw across the floor as gurgles came afterward. The deed was done and she picked him up as well under her arm and then left with footsteps of crimson water trailing from the scene.

[1 out of two drawings done by SamPostStuff on Tumblr.]

Anna was enjoying herself until she stopped when she had gotten the feeling that she had an audience. She looked up at the second and a flash of light came onto her.

[2 out of two drawings done by SamPostStuff on Tumblr.]

One blue circle with an arrow with it was centered on the Huntress’ face and it was a perfect picture of horror in the camera.

GREAT!

HORROR

“She’s a monster…” Ultimis Takeo has muttered in disbelief of the scene before him. Frank was too lost in the photoshoot when he realized something about her and it scared him; She wasn’t looking at the zombies, she was looking at them.

He lowers the camera to his chest as he was alarmed to see them, how can she see them but he already knew that they were on the second floor and he felt Ultimis Takeo grabbing him by the arm and said “Re must go now, re have to go back right now.”

Frank was snapped out of the trance and he was fast walking with him as Anna only walked away. When she was walking, she was thinking about how many there are and where they are hiding. That is when her “mother” appeared before her and said “You will not get them but you will have to lure them in with bait.”

I can do that, Anna replied, “I just need to find the right one.” as a little smile formed.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know what. this. this whole not a fucking relationship but still together but not. this is okay. the rest of my life, not so okay. but this is okay. i am thankful today. all night all i heard was peoples relationship drama. and like.. really dumb ass menial shit that amounts to nothing but its everything because these people have created an ideal relationship and how ppl are "supposed" to behave while ignoring the fact theyre dealing with a human being. but u knoe what. i didnt even get this until now. like over the past few months and living in this situation and analyzing my reasons for doing what i do - i get it. this is like a totally next level relationship which is unmatched by anyone i know. we totally did the right thing. of all the wrong things in our life and every mistake we made we did the right thing. because were friends. and we were good friends. we made active choices to be around each other for purposes other than fucking and we spend a majority of our time not fucking. but were not seperate completely, my past relationships we filled our time with watching tv or video games and it was so fucked. i spent years sittint beside guys on a couch and thst amounted to our relationship. one friend was talking about her boyfriend being upset about how late she was out and wanting to hang out with her. i mean, who cares? thats actually nice. youre going to go home to someone. who wants to be around you. not relationship drama. just a needy guy. a second friend is on day two of fighting with her boyfriend because someone was angry and she escalated things by not allowing him space to think about what was happening and expectjng in depth emotional answers until he tells her to go fuck herself. just leave it alone. do you care. do you. hes grumpy about some next shit and youre ignoring the fact hes grumpy and expecting him to do all this shit and romance you. leave it alone. a third friend was worried her boyfriend was cheating so she went thriugh his facebook, saw something questionable then proceeded to try and fuck multiple guys instead of asking him in a reasonable way. he then caught her by going through her facebook too. because they shared a laptop between them and didnt clear passwords. the amount of time i have availabke to me with a phone that has no password and access to laptops i could know everything that ever happened in the past yr of his life. but do i need to know. do i want to know. if any of that shit effects me i trust hes going to tell me. i go out of my way to make it visibly respectful of his things. i also believe in no way at any time has he ever looked thriugh my things. he has never once even in anger blamed me or associated me with any fault towards cutting off his finger. which is right - i didnt cut off his finger. but he was doing these things because i asked. he was doing them because hed do just about anything for me that i asked that didnt compromise his freedom. instead he acknowledged how he made a decision that led to him traumatizing everyone that was around him and himself. and now we all live with that and i honestly believe he holds me sooo blameless - even when others joked about it being my fault hes ignored it - because i believe in his heart he truly thinks i dont need that. like for all the shit thats happened to me i dont need to have the weight of him telling me i caused him to literally lose a finger. for rhe rest of his life he will associate me and the finger. i will alqays be apart of him and this story. like.. its a bit of a joke but i think the perspective is like.. he thinks hes been run by women and theyve taken his money and caused him to do shitty things but this act was selfless. this was out of love. despite being disabled he wanted to do this for me. no benefit of his own. and what was probably inevitable happened. its actually admirable and sweet that we had developed a relationship that led to us collaborating with our strengths. imagine not being me and reading this and suddenly someone has lost a finger like all this time and now boom no finger. thats how it feels to lose one too. i feel so bad for him and he regularly says he wishes he didnt do it or that he cant believe he did it. i hold his hand and let him use his hand to touch me how he always would but of course its weird. of course. its not bad, but its weird. ive always tried to treat it as something normal. ljke this is just life now and this is normal and him missing this finger is normal ljke everyone else could be missing one too. you would never touch or do weird rhings to someones finger normally so i never do that to him. its not a bad tattoo, its a loss of an appendage and its like you know.. losing a finger - not the worst rhing. his life goes on with a shorter finger. he can do everything he did before. he lost nothing. but what never changes is a constant reminder that something once rhere is not there anymore. and that sucks. you never get over that. so its little things like gloves and he wears gloves all the time at work. he worked for months with unaltered gloves but i realized how depressing it must be to have this flap of fabric hanging there, making you constantlt know you fucked up. evergtime you see it and feel that fabric. so i cut all his gloves to fit half a finger. because i feel like it would feel good to put on somerhing that was made for your normal and not the majority. like you can feel like everyone else again and not have that reminder. if i could build him a finger, i think i would. if i can customize his gloves atleast its something. my new romantic dream set in more realistic standards is having his mother convert part of the basement to a studio apartment type thing. but thats really selfish of me because i want to keep my cats and the onlt way i could while living there is having this set up. i dont love him more than my cats. theyre with me more. theyve been with me longer. if he wont leave then let me come in. the other day he joked that my apartment searching was taking up attention from him. i said, "well, give me a place to live then." he laughed and paused, "i dont think so, no" i told him to shut the fuck up then and he feigned being shocked, "how could you say that, how could you tell me to shut the fuck up.." nothing has changed. thats actually the most that needs to be said in a conversation involving him as a solution. on both sides. you got nothing for me? shut the fuck up. leave me alone. he hasnt once offered me a solution, even temporarily. but i guess because its all my fault. and we fought - i was vehement about not needing his help. i didnt need to stay with him. i didnt need to move with him. i had a different worst case scenario plan and i still do. but its worst case. and its the last choice i want to make. he could even help me get a place he stays in part time and i could pay the other half and take care of the place. but thats another romantic dream. he doesnt want to pay rent. he doesnt want to ljve with me part time, or full time. for all i know hes fucking fhis old lady at a cottage right now and my romantic dreams will be totally useless time waster.

[kleyaaa]

PLEASE DO NOT READ. PLEASE. IM BEING SERIOUS. ITS MY BIRTHDAY. WILLYOU GIVE THAT TO ME AS A GIFT? PLEASE. DONT READ THIS. :)

Ahhh soooo hmmmmm if you arent into dramas, emotional, depressing thoughts then i suggest that you stop reading this right now cuz im about to start something deep, something emotional

Its 11:47pm, 13 minutes before 12. Wow. I did the math right? Right? 13! Yep i love that show! Where did you cry? I cried at the beginning of episode 12. Where Hannah picked her phone and called Clay. Remember she put the bag on top of the car? And that moment, when she called Clay. Its fckd up! I have to stop! I felt i know what will happen next! I stopped! Not even kidding! I pause it. Went to the bathroom and cried. I dont even know why the heck i was crying. I just cried! But dont worry i finished it. I have too! Anyway. I dont know where to start.

I actually want to write this on my other account. Cuz i dont want people to be annoyed about this because some human in this world doesnt unfortunately understand depression, suicide or the feeling of being alone or left alone or someone who dont have someone.

But hey if i do that, hide and just be scared then im weak. So here i am :) that is why theirs a note at the beginning so that YOU HAVE A CHOICE anyway okay im gonna start now

Tomorrow is my birthday. Yey! Another day of fakesht. Some will post things about me. Good things about me. “Memories” we had. They will say they loved me, that they will be there for you always. That they are thankful to have you in their lives. Mygoodness. Im done with that. Done with that shts. Im sorry but i do not feel the way you guys think. I dont feel im appreciated enough. I dont feel the loved. I dont. Sorry.

Imma tell you a story about. Im not pleasing you guys to believe me that this is me. One who will always supports you. One who will be there for you whenever you need me. One who will tell exactly everything you wanna know. Im quite frank. I mean i say things straightly. Im that girl who will do everything for others. Who pleases people. Who tried a lot of times to be the number but always failed. Im nice. As much as possible i want to understand others. I want to love everyone. I hate wars. I hate discrimination. Colors or gender. Social status. Im open to everything and anything. I wont judge you if you are gay. If you are poor or fcked up kid. I wont. I will never ever. As much as possible, i dont wanna judge. Cuz man i dont know what the heck they are going through. I dont know the reason why she is wearing high heels and a leather jacket in the middle of sun rays. I dont know the reasons behind those smiles, those tears. I dont know anything.

I started being like, person who is as-much-as-possible-do-not-judge-people-base-on-what-my-eyes-can-see back in 2012 and beginning of 2013. Dont worry ill past forward things. Those years, i experience depression. I want to kill myself. I always cry. In the middle of the night. Those years the only thing i know is phone. Phone helped me a lot to somehow forget things. Those times im alone. Like no one is there for me or with me. Even parents. I was asking why the heck im into this. Im sooooo nice. Why the heck this is happening to me. What i have done to deserve this?

If you havent felt the feeling of suicidal. If you havent thought to kill yourself. If you havent try to kill yourself. The you wont understand. No. Depression is not just a “thing” that could passby. No. its not a joke. Its not a joke when you want to kill yourself because you feel that is the only way to end pain. That is the only option to stop sadness. If you never felt that feeling. If you havent thought using of knife to end your life while you are washing the dishes. Then you wouldnt understand.

Depression for me is fighting your self. You against yourself. The only way to get out of this is you, you have to figure it out on how you will fight againts your thoughts, those emotions, those negativities. You drown yourself on your on pool. It is a bit insensitive to say. I know sorry. But that is the definition i came up because that is my case. I wasnt bullied. No. at some point yes. But that is not the reason why felt suicidal. Its being alone and left alone. The feeling of you thought you have friends but you really do not have. Thats the reason why i wanted to kill myself. I love them. My friends. I truly love them. I treasure them. But the feeling is not mutual. They were smiling in front of you but guess what they are talking about you being so overreacting all the time. Being so weird. They stab you at the back. Loved you in the front.

That was back in 2012 and 2013. When i found that out. I stopped for a while. I was defeated for few days. But i said no. They wont win. Ill do what the fck i want to do. Fck them! Who cares! They are not happy with their lives thats why they look outside to make their feelings better.

Past forward. 2017. I thought everything is fine. I thought im done with those kind of stuffs. I thought i have “friends” now. Or at least someone i could talk to. But heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. Nope. You havent. It feels weird actually. I really do thought im done with that. Feeling of being left alone. I really do thought im done. Its so weird im experiencing this again.

I chatted someone to see if that person cares about me cuz i really do care about her. I chatted her. She saw it. And didnt respond. Hmmm okay. I left the group chat to see if someone do care and chat me nice things or convince me or will try to help me. But no one. I posted something, like “stop caring to those who dont care about you” something like that not exactly okay. I wanted to see if someone or some of them will try to ask me if im okay. Or is there something wrong.

No. Nah. Not a single word from the people i was expecting to do something. That something matters to me cuz if someone did that something. At least i know i have one. I have someone.

But no one did.

Their silence kills me. Non response breaks my heart.

You know what hurts me the most? When they need me. Im there! Whenever they feel down. Dude! Im there to tell them theyre not alone. When they need a support. Im there! If i see them sad or alone. Im there! Im fck here. For them. But they are not. And i dont feel they will. They will someone be there for me. Its hard to explain. But i really do not feel like, they love me or they do appreciate me or they are there for me. No. i dont.

That is why i asked myself. Am i demanding? Am i not worthy? Am i expecting too much from them? Am i asking for more? Am i not being appreciative of their actions?

Am i selfish?

I dont feel i get what i deserve. I dont feel enough love. Im sorry

Im so sorry. I really dont.

That is why i decided to stop loving you guys. To stop caring about you and being rhere for you. Any of you.

I told you depressionn for me is fighting againts yourself. Yep i stand by that. But, a lift from ONE friend can help a lot. You dont need the world to fight with you. No. its your battle but a little help will help a lot. It could do so much things. All you need is one friend. Just one. ONE THAT WILL LISTEN TO YOU AND WONT JUDGE YOU. ONE WHOS OPEN TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SITUATION AND CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. JUST ONE.

2012 or 2017. I dont have one.

But there are 4 people who is still there for me on times i need someone. Im so sorry guys if i dont consider you as the one. Hahaahaha! If in case in the future you guys see this. Chesca my lovely chef. Diego my face of the night. Kezia my mentor my spiritual adviser my somehow everything kasi you always give me reason to breath again hahahaha and Rhea… yep youre here too. On the list. Wow hahahaha i mean on the list of people i should be thankful and whatever happen nanjan pa rin sila. Bukod sa pinautang mo ko. I felt the sincerity. Yung buong pusong tulong. I felt that with you when i needed money. I did not felt na may utang na loob ako sayo. You are sincere when you were helping. And i will never forget that.

Okaaaaayyyy where the heck am i?

Im lost. Ang haba kasi. Hahahaha! Its soooo long. I dont know if someone can survive on this longgggg emotional post hahahahaha

Its 1:02am

My birthday wish is i hope we can all have someone with us. Just one. One who will be there until our breath. It could be your future wife or husband. I dont know. But i really wish. We could all have the one. We deserve one. Everyone deserve one!

And be nice!

Your ��hey are you okay? You can talk to me!” Could save a life!

And if you guys will ask… hmmmm how am i dealing with this sht again. I HAVE GOD :) well im still asking for someone cuz i want to have like a physical contact. Like i can call in the middle of the night and talk about non sense things. You know physical contact? Love you Lord! Dont hate me! Hahahaha!

But right now since i dont have someone, i have God, i can talk to and phone. Tumblr! Duuuhhh! I can write a book in here! Hahahaha!

Deep sigh I dont feel like i gave the message i wanted even though its like 134 pages now hahahaha ALL IN ALL. DONT BE A DICK. DONT BE A RUDE. BE NICE. BE OPEN. DONT JUDGE. HELP OTHERS. APPRECIATE PEOPLE. SPREAD LOVE. KINDNESS. AND TO THOSE WHOS SUFFERING SADNESS RIGHT. HEY! DO NOT STOP BREATHING OKAY? YOU CAN DO THIS YOU WILL WIN. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! GO FIND SOMETHING THAT COULD HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS. GO BASKETBALL OR VOLLEYBALL OR PLAY PIANO OR LEARN ABOUT VOLCANOS IDUNNO JUST STAY BREATHING!!!! PLEASE!!!! FIND SOME INSPIRATION. YOUR IDOL!!! Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato!!! I dont know!!! Just, stay breathing okay? Okay? Promise me! I love you! And i love myself. Eventhough im fck up sometimes. And i love life eventhough sometimes it punches me right in the face. AND I LOVE GOD. EVENTHOUGH SEMANA SANTA IS ALWAYS ON MY BIRTHDAY! Love You Lord! :* Love you everyone! -eya