#i just wanted to put this out there cause im drowning in my sadness

[eminentzayn]

after the hiatus, i kind of drifted away from the boys. i didn't really listen to their solo singles nor did i conciously listen to 1d songs anymore. i lived life with small reminders here and there of 1d whenever i'd hear their songs on the radio or if my spotify playlist randomly plays one of their songs.

i remember in one of the most difficult exams in my law school life that i had to study for, i listened to their songs nonstop. that was one of the few times after the hiatus that i actually chose to listen to their songs. it was like taking a trip down memory lane.

throughout the years, however, i feel like i always knew that my 1d core, the directioner in me, still existed. within the deepest part of my soul is a 12 year old who will forever be crazy for one direction.

they were a reminder of a time in my life when i was genuinely happy. i remember i'd come home ready to go to work in this site and reblog the shit out of their shows. i joined many friends in trying to interpret each little interaction they had. so many small things that all add up to the best days of my life.

when zayn left, it broke my heart. i felt like it was a chapter of 1d closing because i knew that it was only a matter of time before they'd fully disbanded. they, after all, were ot5. they always had been and to have lost zayn in the middle of the OTRA tour-- my heart was starting to accept that we were nearing the end.

however, ot4 stayed (and slayed). they continued and fought strong because they knew how much they meant to the fans. despite losing zayn, they still made it work. i knew they were heartbroken too but they kept going for the fans, for all of us. i will forever be thankful for that.

i know in my heart that liam was a big part of why ot4 continued. he has always been the father of the group. he kept them together. he was arguably the one who interacted with the fans the most. he truly, truly loved one direction and the family they built. even to his last day, he held on to his brothers.

now, liam is gone. frankly, when i first heard about it, i didn't react. i read about it and was in denial, i think, for the whole day. i didn't really realize the impact of his loss. however, now the loss is consuming me. he was an integral part of my childhood and now he's just gone. how do you move past that?

our hearts are broken for we lost someone who was a very important part of our childhood. after years of not opening my tumblr account, i felt like i came home to my childhood friends. however, i never thought i'd come home to this.

i just want to say that i'm heartbroken and even that is an understatement. perhaps, one day, we'll be able to look back at this period with fondness. but as of now, i fucking hate this. i loathe the fact that we are grieving liam payne. he had so much more to do, he would've made more music, made more apologies, made more memories. i refuse to believe that he's just gone.

i love you so much liam.

[acourtofquestions]

So Long, London is literally Feyre and Tamlin

[lovebvni]

repetition (a pick-a-pile)

in honor of my friends kai ( @klxudykai )and nile (who doesn’t want to be tagged), i want to do a little pap! this will be black white and purple themed for them too (their pfp colours)

i know both of them are going through cycles of repeating their actions over and over, and it is hard for them. i know it’s frustrating — hell i hate repetition. but you find peace in it.

this pick-a-pile is just advice for your manifesting and/or shifting journey. there is no real theme, but i asked spirit to bring up something you need to repeat for each pile.

this pap is intuition and shufflemancy-based. i am not using tarot nor cards at all for this. this is also for entertainment purposes. take my words with a grain of salt AND please do not use this as legal or life advice.

now, inhale and exhale. believe in your intuition, and pick a picture.

[1 ; 2

3 ; 4]

pile 1 the spiral.

hi pile 1! here’s confirmation for your pile : cycles, crying, cynical, the letter c (in your name of in the name of your significant other. casey and clark stand out.), puns, clairaudience, crown, clowns, (a lot of words w the letter c jesus christ..), underwater, drowning, sinking, the sea, oceans, water (s), fix your face, black, sexism, activist, reality shifter, cyclones, spirals, “i feel like im not seeing any signs/progress”

well pile one, you could feel like you are stuck in a cycle. just a torpedo and you’re getting hit with the same things over and over. you’re wondering why things aren’t changing, why this won’t end, but it’s because YOU won’t change. this is the harshest i think i have ever been in a pick a card, but you really need to get over yourself. realize you aren’t the person you should be, throw that person away and reinvent yourself. you want a lot in life, and you aren’t going to get it if you don’t decide to change yourself. the universe chose you for a reason, but if you keep having your own pity party, you aren’t gonna get anywhere. stop getting mad when you’re being told the truth. it isn’t there to hurt you. it’s there to help you. the truth is a tool. and as long as you keep ignoring it, you keep hiding from the monster inside your closet, it’s never gonna leave. it’s gonna haunt you. it’s like a negative spirit. lure it out and keep it coming. it is gonna hurt, but it’s worth it.

your required repetition is “continue to listen and change yourself. transformation.”

the waiting season is one where you need to work, don’t keep sulking.

now to interpreting your song, her by poppy. you have been trying to be someone else that you are not, for someone else. the chorus

“I'm getting to know her And all of her anger You won't recognize her If you encountered I'm getting to know her And all of her anger Picked herself up Put her back together”

you need to change and you know it, and you don’t know how. start with your anger, your sadness, a strong emotion and unravel it. unwrap it like a gift. keep pulling to you get to the root of the cause — hold it.. nurture it… and get the mud off it.

see this as a new start, pile one. i love you. you need to know you’re strong, and you can do this. don’t get annoyed, because i know you’ve been told this before. fix your face.

pile 2 ghouls

hello pile 2! here’s confirmation this is your pile!!: fairies, love, purple, green, heart chakra and third eye chakra, shadows, “on a silver platter”, polite, scars, romance, sacred, girl blogger, skull and bones, doja cat, fear of success, screaming, pink, sexuality, white, sensuality, fire and ice, opposites, blood, self sabotage, royalty, alternative, goth, knight, disability, multilingual, this specific dynamic, vampire

simplicity. simplify everything. that’s all spirit is saying. don’t over complicate things. that’s like all spirit is saying u guys 😭😭

they r literally saying clear your mind, just be the person you are meant to be. listen to your intuition, be creative, have love in your heart, even when times are hard, and let emotions flow.

spirit told me your manifestations are actively coming in 😭😭 idek why you’re reading this pac! like there are no notes, nothing else you need to do. just listen to your intuition and be in tune with yourself. god i love this pile bc yall r js so sweet and light hearted — like there’s so much hidden positivity here that’s waiting to come out.

good job on how far you’ve come, and hav fun where you’re going! love you pile 2!

pile 3 — unclear memory

hi pile 3! here’s your confirmation: “even a worm will turn”, disappointment, ditsy, protector, big eyes, proposal, hobbit core, hermitcraft, minecraft, silence, under another’s control, blush, light colours (pastels), resting, new opportunities, distractions, distant, chapell roan, wlw.

you’re over possessive but you cut out your heart. or someone else cut it out. you need to get your priorities straight. there’s so much going on in your brain. they all lead to the same thing, don’t they? like how a spider web meets in the middle.

you’re sad, i can tell, but you won’t let anyone know. you think you’ve done enough, or even too much, but in reality you’ve been distracted. you’re trying to hide your main in overworking. doing too much.

your repeating advice is “get back on track and focus on your morals”.

but dont become some else. become yourself. stop holding grudges. get yourself back.

pile 4 — kisses

hi pile 4! here’s confirmation this is your pile: shadow work, brooklyn nine-nine, wolf pack, furry, july, suicidal but continuing, height difference, jumbled thoughts, flowers, blue and pink, wash off the makeup, ombré, counting crows poem.

this is my dogs favorite song 😭😭

pile four, you have been looking for outer validation when you don’t need it. you’re searching for signs, for love, for confirmation you’re on the right path when you really jay need yourself. you’re putting yourself down and other people/the universe on a pedestal. YOU ARE THE UNIVERSE!! REALIZE THAT!

what you say goes. what you want will happen. and that’s that.

your advice is as follows ; “you need to just rest.”

and i think that’s great advice. sit down and relax. listen to music, meditate, be at peace. work on yourself. try journaling too!! it will help.

thank yall for reading!! <3 i hope this helps someone. finishing this at 5:55 pm btw!!

[cherryblossom-heart]

I loved you once B.B

Bucky Barnes x Reader 

Masterlist

Summary: Loving Bucky Barnes was never easy but breaking your heart seemed to come naturally to him. A love story about your heartbreak,his betrayal and a chance at redemption.

19.1 k words

Content Warning: ANGST, heartbreak, cheating, mature themes, +18 SMUT, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (Pussy job, penetrative sex p in v, sad/angry sex? Rough sex mixed with a little pain. It will make sense once you read it) . Fluff, mentions of bad mental health from both Bucky and reader, graphic violence, character's death, mentions of women trafficking as well as assault.

A/N: Wow 19k words. Im sorry this took so long to finish but as you can tell it is super long as I promised. Buckle up y'all, this is sad. Also this is my first time writing a proper cheating fic so if you can/want let me know if you like it or not. You're welcomed to send me an ask with any comments, questions, etc., you have on this 😊

Post dividers by @firefly-graphics and @cafekitsune

Now  

"Fuck you," you spat the words.    

Tears fell from your eyes as they made their way down your neck, making dark spots in the collar of your red turtleneck. Even when pain was drowning you, beauty never left you. Bucky felt as if he were watching a beautiful Renaissance painting—a tragedy of sorts.   

"Is that all? I really don’t have time for this."   

He didn’t recognize his own words or the indifference they came out with. He didn’t mean to say them, but it was as if his own body was working on autopilot, and he was only a spectator to the shitshow it was causing. He wanted to stop. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to say so many things, but the only thing he was capable of was hurting you.   

"Are you kidding me? That’s all you’re going to say?"   

"What else do you want me to say? You know what happened, you saw her with your own eyes. Anything I say is either going to make you angrier or make you cry even more. Let’s just be done with this, you’ll eventually get over it."   

The sound of your hand connecting with his face put an end to his sentence. The hit didn’t feel as such, his skin barely processed it as anything more than a simple graze, but once the initial shock wore off, the sting came along. But it didn’t compare to the pain he felt in his heart when his eyes connected with yours once again.   

"I always knew you were capable of many things, but not once did I think you would ever be this cruel."   

Your eyes drifted to your hands, your right hand playing with the ring you wore in your left. A sigh left your lips, and more tears fell before you finally slid it off your finger, placing it on the table next to you.   

A bucket of iced water. Painful, burning, scorching coldness— that’s how Bucky would describe looking at you while silently breaking your engagement. His mind was telling him to get on his knees, beg, and try to fix everything he had broken. But the darkest part of him, the one that had taken over his life was assuring him you were bluffing. You couldn’t leave, you always stayed. You always fought for him, even when he didn’t deserve it.   

"What are you doing?" he asked, his eyes rolling with the uninterested façade he had perfected.   

"I’m done, I can’t keep doing this anymore." You turned your back, strong and determined steps leading to his apartment door.  

Please, fix this.   

His trembling hands made their way to your wrist, anything that could mend the cracks in your heart that seeped with pain, the cracks he had caused with his own selfishness. Before his fingers could even graze your skin, your hand quickly swatted away his pathetic effort to stop you.  

"God, stop being so goddamed drama—"   

"Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t try to contact me ever again, I won’t answer."   

"Can you just—"   

"If I ever see you again I swear I’ll murder you. I didn’t kill you the first time we met but I swear I’ll do it if you even dare to breath in my direction."   

Your words hurt, it seemed as though each one stabbed him right through the chest in a taunting way, a reminder of how much he had screwed up. Bile rose to his throat when you recoiled at his proximity, and the hate in your eyes burned him with such force that he was sure you wouldn't wait until the next time you met.   

He deserved it either way.  

Bucky's eyes opened just as the car jolted, his heart racing against his chest, his ears buzzing. For a fraction of a second, he's confused, not remembering why he was in the car, but the fogginess of his thoughts was replaced with anxiety when he heard the tracker beeping on Sam's thigh. 

"Good, you’re awake. I think we’re almost there." Sam kept his eyes on the road, occasionally glancing down at the device that told him where to go. Judging by his demeanor, his friend didn’t seem as nervous as he did, if at all. It wasn’t like Sam had a reason to, he was the only one who had fucked up.  

He looked out at the vehicle, and the passing trees in the darkness of the night numbed his mind while he tried to forget about his dream. No, it wasn’t a dream, it was his worst memory to date. Usually, his nightmares were about the crimes he had committed while being the Winter Soldier, and he could blame them on his consciousness not being there with him. His own body didn’t belong to him, so he couldn’t keep blaming himself for the things HYDRA had forced him to do.  

With you, on the other hand, he could not blame anyone else but himself. His mind wasn’t tortured by a secret organization in hopes of ruining his relationship, nor was he forced to hurt the person about whom he cared the most to save thousands of lives. He did it all by himself, and now the nightmares have not only scared him but hurt him all over again.  

You started to show up in his dreams more frequently once Sam told him they needed your help. As expected, the super-soldier's first reaction was total and complete refusal. His friend thought it was a childish reaction the former winter soldier was having to avoid the awkwardness of meeting you again, only knowing your relationship had ended on bad terms without hearing the specifics. But the blue-eyed man wasn’t doing it for himself, he was doing it for you. The night you left, you made it clear you didn’t want anything to do with him, or even anything related to him, your resignation from the Avengers Team and subsequent evaporation from the face of the earth was a strong message to leave you alone.  

After a few hours of arguing, with both men going back and forth on why they did or didn't need you, Bucky finally agreed to go look for you. Lives were at stake, and no matter how hard he tried to look for a solution that avoided you, there seemed to be none. Before he could ask where to even start looking for you, Sam pulled out a device that seemed familiar to a phone. You had given Sam, and only Sam, a tracker that could find you anywhere in the world and could only be unlocked by a password you had whispered to him  

The depth of his tormenting cycle of thoughts didn’t let him register they weren’t on the road anymore until his partner stopped the vehicle. They were surrounded by tall, dense trees, and the crickets and cicadas that hid in the dark made an orchestra that filled the emptiness of the night. Sam grabbed his gear, the sound of a duffle bag being opened broke the rhythm of nature.  

"Why are we stopping here?" Bucky asked with a frown. His own duffle was placed across his back, the tinkering of the metal inside it annoying him slightly.  

His friend threw an annoyed look at him before rolling his eyes and scrambling through his belongings. "As I said like twenty minutes ago while you were brooding and having your own pity party, this thing shows her inside a building in the middle of the woods. I’d like to take a look around the area before going in blind."  

"Oh."  

Normally, the super soldier would’ve had a comeback for the annoying yet harmless insults his friend and partner would throw at him, even a snide comment. But this was different, no matter what Sam would say, he could only think of what was about to happen. So he let it slide, submerging himself in his own thoughts while Sam threw the little flying robot he nicknamed "Red Wing" into the air. Once it was hovering above them and Sam made sure to have full control of it, they began a walk that would last about thirty minutes before the device would find any signs of life.  

Sam and him were waiting somewhere near the alleged building, Sam's robot scanning the surroundings.The thumping in his chest returned, and his fingers became ice cold.He was so close. Close enough to see you, close enough to talk to you, and perhaps close enough to apologize. 

How would you react to seeing him? Would you be happy to see him? Probably not, considering the last thing you said to him was that you would kill him if he ever came near you. He knew he deserved it, but hopefully time changed your murderous resolution. Maybe even forgave him.  

Could you ever forgive him?  

A slight swat from Sam brought him back from his thoughts, silently letting him know they were ready to go. Bucky could sense it before the place was even visible, the vibrations of the music resonating through the ground. The smell of smoke, alcohol, and humanity reached his nostrils right as they saw the line of cars parked in a plain field next to what resembled a warehouse.  

To an untrained eye, it would look like a normal, unsanitary, and probably unsafe rave done by stupid people. But the polarized windows of the cars, the shine coming from the inside of the guards' jackets, and the lot of security cameras installed in the building told another story. Whatever or whoever was in there was dangerous, and as usual, you had gotten yourself in the middle of it.  

Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He knew you couldn’t stay away from helping people, no matter how hard you tried. He saw the breadcrumbs, microscopic, little clues that he could recognize as your style. A missing girl suddenly returning to her family, a kidnapped journalist in the middle of war returning to their respective embassy. A child trafficker falling from his hotel room in the twentieth floor. You had always been... effective when it came to missions, sometimes going overboard with your methods, but Tony, Steve, and himself had always guided you towards the good and righteous path that a person with your abilities was supposed to take. 

You lost all three of them in the span of a year.  

They were lucky that it was relatively easy to get inside, and even luckier that their clothes didn't draw too much attention to them. Sure, they seemed to be wearing more clothes than needed, as most people seemed to enjoy themselves topless and/or pantless, but with the darkness of the room barely being lit by the flashing blue and red lights, no one really noticed them.  

Guys, girls, and people he wasn’t sure how to label were grinding against each other. Hands touched him, pulling his jacket, and he had to push them all away, trying to make his way through the sea of people. The inside of the warehouse could pass for a functioning club, with couches, dance floors, and screens accommodating everyone inside.  

Bucky wasn’t sure he had ever seen anything like this; the debauchery that people showed shocked his old-fashioned ways. He was sure he had seen several people inside each other, whether it was fingers, tongues, or dicks, no one seemed to mind that everyone else could see them. How had you gotten yourself into the middle of this disguised orgy? What were you even doing here?  

Both men made their way to the front of the place, where a private section was installed looking over the dancefloor. Two large guys guarded the stairs that connected the lower and upper levels, allowing mostly attractive girls to ascend. Both men agreed that if you were to be found somewhere, it would undoubtedly be there. They scanned the room, looking for any way they could access the VIP level without having a pair of tits and long legs.  

He had never understood scenes in movies where they showed time slowing down. Every time he had been in a fight, whether it was as himself in the forties or as the winter soldier, everything seemed to happen too fast to process. Even the night you left, time had seemed to go at an abnormally fast pace, and by the time he could finally react the way he wanted, it had been too late.  

He never understood those scenes until he saw you walking to the protective railing surrounding the edge of the private section. Above the deafening music, the moans, and the music, he could hear your voice talking to someone else.  

It was as if he was seeing you for the first time. Your beauty had remained the same your hair, your eyes, and your lips all looked the same, yet his heart started racing just as it did all those years ago. You weren’t dressed like everyone else dancing around him, your black dress with a dangerous deep cleavage was sensuous, but it held a certain level of class that made you stand out from the crowd.  

Thump, thump, thump.  

Time moved at a slow pace, the slowest he had experienced. He was grateful for it, as it allowed him to appreciate every detail from you. The way your lips came close to the drink you had in your hand, the drumming your fingers did on top of the railing, the glint in your eyes—he knew it meant you were lost in your thoughts.   

Bucky had never been more grateful for the way time passed. Until he saw a pair of hands sliding across your waist, fingers gripping your hips so roughly, he was sure they would leave a mark on your skin. A semi-attractive man whispered words in your ear, his beard scruffing against your skin. You smirked, turning around to plaster your lips against his in a kiss that could make a pornstar blush.  

He knew you'd moved on; nearly a year had passed since the last time he saw you, and you'd probably found someone to sleep with, but he wasn't ready to watch you become someone else's. His mind was prepared to face your happiness, but his heart wasn’t. And even now, he was sure you were just tagging along with the man, using him for information for whatever mission you had gotten yourself into, yet he felt as if what remained of his heart had been ripped out of his chest.  

With strong, rough movements, the man turned you around, pressing your body against the railing. As his hand grabbed your neck, your hips grinded against his, your mouth open as you licked your lips. 

The super soldier couldn’t take it anymore, his heart begged him to stop the torture. He wasn’t even sure where Sam was, nor did he care. He cared about you, and he could only think about what he had lost. With the last of his dignity, he began to look away from you and your companion, who had leaned over to your ear once more. Except this time his eyes found Bucky’s, his fingers tightening around your neck.  

He knew. Somehow the man knew who he was and, most importantly, who you were.  

Your eyes widen slightly, searching through the sea of people dancing downstairs. But it didn't take you long to find those blue eyes you once adored. He was there, looking exactly the same as the night you left him, along with your heart.  

"I know who you are." The man whispered in your ear—a threat not so subtly hidden behind every word.  

But you couldn’t dwell long on his words because ice-cold eyes looked back at you. Ice cold eyes brought back the pain you thought you left behind, and the rage surfaced once more as you remembered the promises you made him.  

Cold metal was pressed against your neck, the edge of it grazing your skin. Bucky’s eyes widened in alarm, and his hands turned into fists, making him look like he cared. Like he actually had a heart.  

He barely took two steps in your direction when the wicked smile you wore stopped him. It was sinister. It was deadly. And when you turned to the man to say something, his grip faltered as one word left your lips.  

"Good"  

Your head connected against the man’s nose, a crack let you know it was most likely broken. You barely heard the man’s yells when bullets made their way to you, a couple of them grazing your skin. The room that was once filled with hips swaying, alcohol, and moans had transformed into a frenzy of screams and people running to get out of the building.  

The crowd tried to take Bucky away; their desperate attempts at escaping dragged him away as he fought his way through the sea of people. Seconds passed, and he could hear your grunts as well as more shooting coming from the upper floor, with girls running down the stairs, some of them with splashes of blood staining their clothes.  

He didn’t know whose blood it belonged to, and that frightened him.  

Sam’s voice pulled him out of his trance. "What the hell happened?"  

His friend had managed to make his way to him, both of them still getting pushed around. Bucky offered him a quick glance before resuming his previous task of making his way to the stairs.  

"Her cover is blown," was all the explanation Bucky offered, and somehow it was enough. Before any of them could add anything, screams came from the front door, three bulky men were making their way there while carrying very large and dangerous guns. "Take care of them, I’ll go help her," the super soldier said without leaving any room for discussion.  

When his fingers finally grabbed the banister of the stairs, Bucky was close to losing his mind. Climbing two steps at a time, he finally found himself a scene that froze him in the spot.  

You were there, your black dress ripped in some places, your makeup ruined by mascara running down your cheeks, and blood splashes tainted your flawless skin. Bucky had managed to get there just in time as you twisted a man's arm to an unnatural angle, the crack of his joint popping out of place was followed by his screams. You had managed to kill/knock out everyone except for the guy who had previously had a knife to your throat, and Bucky knew better than to think that was just a mere coincidence.  

After the last man fell to the ground, blood sputtering out of his neck, you lifted your gaze towards him. He couldn’t read you as easily as he had once been able to and he hated it. Before, he was sure he knew you better than you knew yourself, more than once already sure of your likes and dislikes before you asked him for an opinion. He had treasured those times in his mind, and the memories were as comforting as they were painful. A constant reminder of what he had lost.  

He was right there, right in front of you. The man you fell in love with when you still had a heart. The man who still had a tight grip on it and who would probably always own it. He could keep it for all you cared, your heart was tainted with memories you didn’t wish to keep.  

It was the first time both of you were this close, every scream gone as you were absorbed by your own bubble. He looked so familiar that your own body reacted the way it used to whenever you saw him. Your heart stammered in your chest, and even after so long, the butterflies in your stomach appeared for a millisecond. He was the man you had once loved, he was the man with whom you imagined a future together.  

Then, you remembered why all your hopes and dreams had been destroyed.  

Bucky noticed the hurt flashing through your face, your jaw tightening right before you made your way to him. For a moment, he thought you were about to hug him, your desperation to reach him in your long strides mirroring his as his body begged him to touch you. He wanted to apologize, beg for forgiveness at your feet, and profess the love that he wasn’t able to forget.  

Perhaps if his mind hadn't been plagued with all the things he wanted to do, he would’ve noticed your foot rising to give him a solid kick on the chest.  

The force and unexpectedness of your attack launched him back to the railing, throwing him over it. His back landed with a loud thud on the floor, fortunate enough for him, everyone else seemed to have dissipated and his fall wasn’t that high up. A second later, you jumped from the banister, landing on top of him with your knife in hand. Your knee found it’s place on his chest, feet pressing his hands flat on the surface. Before Bucky could even muster a word, the blade was pinned against his throat.  

"I told you if I ever saw you again, I would fucking kill you." 

Then  

Steve had changed so much in the years they had spent apart. His friend, who had once been the fragile little Brooklyn boy he would protect with his life, was now a fully grown man with a strength that could crush a person if he wasn’t careful enough. He was also now his protector, not from bullies that would harass him because of his own stubbornness but from a secret organization that wanted to take over the world. That and his own fractured mind.  

He had lost control once the man had given him the commands to bring back the deadly assassin they had turned him into. He remembered it all, but it had felt as if he was under water the whole time, falling deeper and deeper the more he tried to fight against it. His own body didn’t belong to him, no matter how hard he tried to control it.  

For a year, he had thought it was possible to lead a normal life; his time spent in Romania had given him false hope that he had gotten away from his captors. How foolish he had been, thinking he could ever be far away from his grasps. He wasn’t the man he was before, just a weapon designed to hurt people.  

He supposed he was lucky Steve still saw good in him, at least enough to turn against his teammates and friends to help him clear his name. And now, as they drove to one of Steve’s friends' hideouts, he couldn’t help but feel guilty about everything that was going on. If he hadn’t lost control, Steve wouldn't be a wanted criminal. If he wasn’t captured, a shit ton of innocent, good people would still be alive. If his mind had been stronger, he could’ve broken free of HYDRA's mind control.  

Maybe it would’ve been better if he had actually died when he fell from that train.  

Steve parked outside an abandoned apartment complex, it seemed no one had lived there in years. He threw a questioning eyebrow at Sam, who just shrugged before getting out of the vehicle. Another of Steve’s friends had decided to help him out of loyalty to Steve, not because he particularly liked Bucky or entirely believed in his good side.  

All three men walked inside the building, not a sound inside other than their footsteps and heavy breathing. Steve looked around for a couple of seconds before making his way to the second floor, his intuition telling him where to go. He stood in front of a door with a big C plastered on it, his friend's hand hesitating before knocking on the wood.  

After the third knock came back without an answer, Steve decided to open the door. He had called a name while crossing the threshold, looking around for any signs of life inside the apartment. Bucky was surprised to find the apartment filled with computers, blueprints, documents, and lots of military-grade equipment. Everything gave away the signs of someone working there, yet there was no one who took ownership over them.  

It was too late when Bucky heard you standing behind him, with his feet being swept by your leg and effectively knocking him down. The wooden floor amplified the echo of his fall, catching Steve and Sam’s attention. Your frame landed on top of his, gun aimed directly between his eyes.Bucky's hand reached to grab your ankle in an effort to destabilize you, but the barrel of your weapon was pressed right on his forehead.  

"I wouldn’t do it if I were you," you said coolly. "I promise you, I’ll blow your brains out before you can even land a hit."  

After your words filled the room, Bucky’s eyes finally took their chance to look at you, actually look at you.  

God, you were beautiful.  

Maybe it was only your physical beauty that had taken him by surprise, or the fact that you had taken him down so easily with just one leg movement. Or even the fact that you seemed to have no fear towards a man who was being marketed as a "dangerous and armed terrorist." Whatever it was, Bucky couldn’t deny the fact that you were the most beautiful human being he had seen.  

After a few explanations from Steve’s part and some begging for help, you released the super soldier from your hold, weapon holstered in your back. Your hand extended to help him get off the floor, and you offered him a charming but wary smile.   

You told the three men to make themselves at home and take anything they needed. Bucky had chosen to keep guard, being by himself in the top floor while looking out through a window that hid him from everyone else. He was stewing in his own complicated thoughts when he heard a knock on the wall. You were there, standing a few feet away from him with a shy smile on your face as you extended to him a cup filled with hot coffee.  

Thump, thump, thump.  

"Sorry about the whole thing holding you hostage," you said as he welcomed the cup.  

His fingers accidentally grazed against your own, and it was as if he had touched electricity itself. Heat extended from his hands all through his body, and his ability to think was thrown out of the window. He looked at you, and he couldn’t tell if you felt the same or not, but he could feel how your eyes burned him, with a curiosity behind them that was so easy to read that he was surprised you were the black ops/spy Sam had told him.  

"It’s whatever, I would’ve done the same thing if I were you." Bucky answered after a few seconds.  

He turned to look through the window again, trying to keep his thoughts in order. You settled down next to him, the warmth of your skin reaching his own. Nothing could be heard other than your breathings, not even the cars outside or the sound of the busy city that hid you. And for the first time in a long time, Bucky felt relaxed with someone he didn’t know from the past.  

"I’m James."  

He could’ve sworn he heard you smile before you gave him your name. 

Now  

"What the fuck are you doing here, Barnes?"  

The music was still on, as were the blue and red lights that lighted up the darkness in the room. Bucky could feel the breeze of your breath on his face and the smell of expensive whisky and tobacco in every word you said. He wasn’t surprised, the man that you knocked out probably tried to impress you with them.  

But behind the traces of blood, alcohol, and gunpowder, he could smell your shampoo. The same peony smell mixed with lavander filled his nostrils, and it brought him back to the many nights you had spent together. Your fingers were drawing circles on the skin of his back, and his nose was buried in your hair.  

You, on the other hand, were reminded of the suffering he caused you with every passing second.  

"I told you to stay away from me," you muttered.  

Your hand pressed the edge of the blade on his skin, and you were sure if you kept going you were going to start drawing out blood, but you couldn’t care less. Bucky Barnes had always been an expert at instilling unwanted emotions in you, and it was difficult to keep those emotions at bay right now. 

You felt anger. You felt resentment. You felt pure, long-lasting hatred.  

"Maybe I should slit your throat right now, that’ll make you stay away from me permanently."  

Your words were intimidating, filled with the same promise you had made him that fateful night. This was his chance, his chance at the apology that had died out in his throat when you closed the door behind him. This was the chance he had chased in his dreams for almost a year.  

But he couldn’t say anything.  

He loved you. God, he loved you so much. He missed seeing your face other than in the few pictures he kept or in the memories that did no justice. Because even now, as you threatened to kill him, you were a dream come true, just like the first time he saw you. 

"Say something!"  

"You’re beautiful."  

Your grip faltered on the knife, your eyebrows slightly furrowing at his words.  

No, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t come back out of nowhere, say some cheesy, basic compliment, and make the walls of hate you had built crumble. Even if he had only managed to knock down one brick, he didn't deserve it. You knew it, he knew it, and everyone else who knew what happened between you two knew it.  

Then why did your heart flutter at his words?  

"Hey," Sam said, breaking the silence, your head snapping in his direction."I know he’s an asshole, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t kill my partner."  

You look back at Bucky for a few seconds before giving up, throwing your knife to the floor. Sam leaned over, his hand extended to help Bucky get up.Your murderous eyes went from Bucky to Sams, your gaze softening at his friend.  

"I told you to only contact me in emergencies," you grumbled.  

A hiss left your lips when you touched your arm, one of the bullet wounds was still seeping blood. Bucky thought about telling you something, but this time he listened to the rational part of his brain that told him to shut the fuck up.  

"Believe me, if we had a choice, we wouldn’t have come," Sam said.  

Your eyes flickered between both men, not convinced about helping them. Well, on helping the blue eyed super soldier. A pathetic excuse for why you couldn’t help them died on your lips once you saw his blue eyes. Please, help us they begged.  

You didn’t owe him anything. You shouldn’t help him, but in the back of your head, Steve’s voice rang through. Good ol’ Steve Rogers and his everlasting moral lessons. That's what we have to do, he said. 

So you put aside your feelings because helping people mattered more than an idiot who broke your heart.  

"What do you want?" You sighed.  

"We’re looking into something... odd. A bunch of pregnant women missing, still in their early stages of pregnancy. Most of them show up dead after giving birth, but the babies are nowhere to be found."  

You shrug. "They take the kids, so?"  

It was cold, you were aware of it. But after the things you had seen, the things you had done, you were aware that people kidnapping woman for their babies wasn’t something out of the ordinary, let alone something that required Captain America to look into it. Things like that were always forgotten, pushed back into a slew of cases alongside more missing women. 

"They had traces of the super serum."  

Fuck.  

You laughed. A joyless, cynical type of laugh. Destiny, of course, had to be a jerk. 

"Well, you’re in luck. I think we’re tracking down the same people." Sam raised an eyebrow at you with a simple request for you to elaborate. "A girl showed up dead in México a couple of months ago, she’d been missing for almost a year. Autopsy showed she had a miscarriage before dying, the bleeding killed her. The remains had traces of the serum too."  

"Are you saying that—?" Sam couldn’t finish his sentence, the thought sending chills along his spine.  

"Yeah."  

The air is somber between the three of you. Sure, the flag smashers were a problem when they appeared, as you knew from all the news reports you'd seen.People with ten times the strength of a normal human being were dangerous, especially if they were associated with a terrorist organization. 

This was different, though. This was sinister.  

Groans coming from the top floor broke the eeriness that surrounded you, making you finally remember why you were here. You tore apart part of the black dress that was once pristine and wrapped it around your arm.  

"Look at this guy over there," you said, motioning behind you. "He has intel on this, he’s the one that gets the girls and delivers them."  

"Well, let’s take him in and—"  

You cut Sam off. "No. Look, you came looking for me because this is my specialty. I know how to handle guys like him, and I sure as hell know he won’t tell us shit if we take him to a precinct and threaten him with some jail time. He’s a big fish. A few phone calls and he’ll be out in no time." They knew you were right, but they didn’t like your arguments. "We do this my way, or you better pray you find them before I do."  

Sam looked hesitant. He knew what you were going to do to the man, and his good conscience chastised him for even thinking of letting you torture someone. But the rational part, the part that knew that in this case there wasn’t much of an option, knew that they needed you, and perhaps you also needed them.  

"Just, don’t kill him." Sam said before walking away.  

Compromise. You could do compromise.  

"Fine," you said, rolling your eyes. 

After Sam slammed the door shut on his way out, you were reminded of the fact that you weren't alone. Bucky’s eyes were already looking at you, the same apologetic eyes you had seen before you kicked him in the chest.  

"Thanks for helping us." He spoke, thinking it was an appropriate way to break the ice, but it only managed to make you scoff.  

"Let’s make something clear, I’m not doing this for you." you spat. "I’m doing this because Sam needs my help and so we can save those innocent girls and stop any more from being taken. This doesn’t change anything between us, as soon as this is over, you go back to leaving me the fuck alone, got it?"  

Say something. Fight for her. Explain what happened, his mind begged him.  

But he couldn’t, because even if it had been almost a year since he last saw you, he was still the same coward who let you walk away without a fight.  

So he agreed.  

"Yeah."  

"Good. I’ll meet you outside." 

Then  

"Thanks for the coffee." Bucky said before taking a sip.  

Droplets of water fell from his forehead, a strand of unruly black hair was hanging on the side of his eyebrows. The towel that hung from his waist, showing his torso all the way down to that sculpted V of his abdomen, made it too difficult to concentrate on the files you were trying to organize.  

The man was hotter than the sun.  

"No problem." you smiled at him.   

You had no idea it would be the best and worst decision you'd ever made when you suggested Bucky stay with you while Steve went to rescue the others.You liked Bucky, and the few days you spent with him while Steve and the others gathered everything they needed so they could go find Zemo had been nice. Sure, he was a man of a few words, but it didn’t bother you. It was weirdly comforting to be able to enjoy someone’s company in silence. And the times he spoke, he did it out of pure curiosity, curiosity about the world, about what had happened while he was in the ice, but mostly about you.  

He asked about your cases, how you met Steve, and how you came to partner with some of the most powerful people in the world. He asked about your life, about your childhood in the orphanage, and what made you choose to help people. He asked so many questions, yet he still respected you when you didn’t want to answer some of them. He asked, not to pry, but to get to know you, and in return, when you asked him something, he was as honest as he felt comfortable being.  

And that was the problem. No matter how much you tried, you knew your days with Bucky Barnes were numbered. Ever since you were young, you knew that being in this line of work would prevent you from having a normal life. You couldn't have a normal relationship. You weren’t meant to have the love story your favorite movies portraited, the white picket fence and the family of five wasn’t in your future.  

Neither was he, maybe in the forties he would’ve came home from war and found himself a pretty girl to marry. But now, after everything he had seen and everything he had unwillingly done, he probably wouldn't want a relationship any time soon. Or maybe not at all.  

But after three weeks of being cramped up in the same little apartment, you were getting used to him. You had developed a little routine together that always ended up with a cup of coffee at the end of the day. Sometimes both of you would just sit in silence, taking in each other's company while you sipped on your cups. Other times, just like now, he would sit next to you as you watched whatever movie you had decided to put on.  

You had to cut this at the root before it became too hard to let go.  

"So, you’re going to Wakanda?"  

He sighs. "Yeah. Steve says they have someone that might be able to help with... help with my..."  

"I know." You finished for him, suddenly placing your hand on top of his. He tensed at your touch, both of you looking down at your hands before you took away yours, embarrassed at your own lack of control. "Well, if you’re not too busy there, I could go visit you sometimes."  

"You would?" he questioned.  

"If you want me, too," you shrugged, trying not to reveal your excitement. 

He looked at you, his thoughts unreadable through his face. For a moment, you thought he was going to reject your offer, but something changed in his eyes. He smiled, the faintest, littlest hint of a smile you had seen, but it was there.  

You made him smile for the first time.  

"Yeah. I’d like that."  

If someone were to ask Bucky when he first felt he could love you, it would be right now. With the dim light of the TV lighting up your face and a shy smile on your lips as you told him you were willing to travel such a long distance just to see him.  

And as you lay next to him, your head against his shoulder, you thought to yourself that maybe you could be selfish for once and allow yourself to enjoy his company a bit more. 

Now  

There were drops of water leaking out of a pipe, he could hear them from the other side of the room. Everything around him was dark, it seemed the only source of light was on top of him and the woman on the floor pleading for her life.   

"Please don’t do this," she begged with a Spanish accent. "I don’t want to die, please."   

He wanted to move, he wanted to throw away the gun in his hand, but it was like he was a spectator of his own life. His body was not his, or his breathing. Not even his heartbeat listened to the inner panic attack he was having. Nothing belonged to him.   

"Kill her," a distorted voice told him. His eyes glanced at him quickly, and he noticed the man had no face. No one around them had one.   

Everything felt like it was in slow motion. His finger moved, pressing the trigger of the gun, but he refused to give up. He had to try, even if his own consciousness was trying to kick him out, sucking him into the pool of darkness he had been resting in for a long time.   

But even if he tried for years, he couldn’t win. He was powerless.   

Broken.   

He could only witness how the other "him" obeyed. The woman's eyes changed from scared to lifeless in less than a second. A splash of crimson staining his combat boots kept his attention. He couldn’t hear what the other people in the room were saying, he didn’t exist anymore, or he didn’t want to. The sound of the water leak was deafening now. Growing louder and louder until it consumed everything around him   

He didn’t want to be awake. Not like this.   

And as he felt himself disappearing, he hoped this was the last time he came back to the surface. He would rather be surrounded by emptiness.   

Yet something interrupted him, pulling him back up.   

A woman's voice, so familiar it made his heartbeat change.   

"Bucky!"  

Bucky's eyes opened wide. His head was spinning, his breathing was rapid, and his heart felt like it was going to burst through his chest. The adrenaline in his system made him dizzy, and he could feel his hands shaking. And he was feeling. A lot. Scared, angry, hopeless. So many emotions constricted his chest, burying him under their weight.  

"Bucky," you repeated. His head snapped at you, showing you a pair of wide, terrified eyes.  

Your feet almost moved. A pure protective instinct filled you with dread at the fact that you couldn’t help him anymore. Your head and your heart were in conflict. In one hand your heart begged you to go to him, stroke his back as you peppered kisses along his shoulder. Then you would lie back in bed while your hands surrounded his body, your front pressed to his back in a way to say, I’m here, I love you, and everything will be alright.  

On the other hand, your brain told you to turn in the other direction. Walk away from the night terrors that plagued his mind and let him suffer in silence. He wasn't your responsibility anymore, and you shouldn't be concerned about helping him with whatever was wrong with him. 

Was it possible to hate and care about someone at the same time?  

"Nightmares?" you couldn’t help yourself from asking. 

His left hand rubbed his eyes, a sigh leaving his lips. "Yeah. Sorry if I woke you up."  

"You didn’t."  

You sat at the table in front of the couch he was lying on, a steaming cup of lavender tea between your hands. The cling of the spoon clashing against the ceramic filled the uncomfortable silence between you.  

"Where’s Sam?" he asked, sitting straight as a couple of droplets of sweat fell down his forehead.  

"He has a contact in the city. He left to meet them."  

"Oh."  

Whatever else he was about to say died on his lips. You noticed he seemed to do that often since meeting again, his eyes speaking the words he would never say. Sometimes you would catch him looking at you, the frown on his forehead deepening with the passing of time. It made you wonder if he would now be open to answering your questions.  

"He said you’re going to therapy."  

He was taken aback by your question. It probably was the first time you said more than the necessary to him. Also, it was the first time that you showed any sort of interest in his life.  

"Uh, yeah. Court mandated."  

You hummed, sipping on your tea.  

"Does it work?"  

You saw the hesitance in his eyes. The way his jaw clenched and his grip on the couch made his knuckles white made you think he was about to change the subject with a witty, bitter, or sarcastic remark, or maybe even just ignore the question at all. You wouldn’t be surprised if he did, by the end of your relationship, he was an expert in it.  

Bucky didn’t change much after all, you thought to yourself  

But he broke the silence.  

"In some ways." he started, his gaze dropping to the floor. "The nightmares don’t come as often anymore, and I don’t feel the need to shoot every asshole that drives a shitty car with a shitty exhaust pipe." You chuckled at his confession, making a slight smirk show on his face. "But she’s too much."  

"What do you mean?"  

He sighed. "She pisses me off. I hate that she keeps trying to make me feel better by just saying my life is better now and I shouldn’t feel like shit anymore. But it’s not that easy. Just like it’s not easy to follow the stupid set of rules she gave me."  

He looked up to see your reaction to his words, expecting to see the same hardened look you’ve given him the past couple of weeks. And it was just that what greeted his eyes, your lips slightly pressed together and your eyes decorated with a slight scowl that only showed up for him.  

But behind the tough exterior, he could see your eyes had softened. For a brief second, your eyes showed care and understanding to what he siad before going back to the usual void stare you gave him.  

"She sounds like a bad therapist." He shrugged in agreement, he couldn’t say anything against the truth. "She also sounds like a bitch."  

He laughed. The type of laugh that caught him off guard and made his lungs run out of air. Granted, your joke might’ve not been as funny as his laugh was giving it credit for, but he had always been fond of your bluntness.  

You couldn’t help but laugh with him too.  

Laughing with Bucky felt foreign yet so familiar at the same time. It felt like reminiscing on a memory you didn’t remember you had, a bittersweet memory that brought back the same good feeling of the memories you built together  

But moments like that couldn’t last forever. Your heart couldn’t afford to remember.  

A text message from Sam lit up your screen, saying his contact had useful information. You stood up from the table after texting him back and drank the rest of the cup's contents. 

"You should try to get some sleep, we have a long day ahead."  

His shoulders dropped slightly.  

"Yeah, you’re right. I’ll try to."  

With nothing left to say, you walked away, leaving Bucky in the loneliness of the night.   

You didn’t go right away to the room you had adopted as your own, though. He heard you going through the kitchen, a dim sound of clinking and pouring reaching him due to his enhanced hearing. He didn't think anything of it; maybe you needed more tea before going to bed. 

Your steps brought you back to him before you placed an object on the coffee table right beside him.  

A cup of lavender tea. 

Then  

"It’s kinda late to be outside, huh?"  

Bucky jolted at the sound of your voice, your presence taking him by surprise. He was completely sure that when he left a couple of hours ago his house was empty and you hadn’t sent a message of your arrival.   

Something had happened? Was someone injured? Were you in trouble?  

His questions died on his lips as you cut the space between you and him short, your arms tightly embracing him. Your head found its place in the crook of his neck, his long hair falling on your face. His hands took a second to respond, but they eventually wrapped around your waist, bringing you closer to his chest.  

You stayed like that for what felt like ages, just taking in each other's warmth. He missed you, even if he tried to deny it every time his thoughts would wander to you. He tried to convince himself that his reclusion made him miss everyone he considered a friend, and in a world where everyone seemed to want him dead, you were one of the few people he trusted.  

He had been staying in Wakanda for nearly six months, and out of those six months, you had visited him at least once every month. The duration of your trip would vary, sometimes you would stay only a few hours, with most of your time spent in his hut while sharing stories of the outside and his progress. Other times, you'd stay for days, with the longest stay being a week and a half. In those cases, he would show you the surroundings, the forest that surrounded the back of his hut or take you on a long walk alongside the river that crossed his home. Sometimes you'd sit outside and stare at the stars, your only company being the animals and the flora. 

He also came to hate every time you would leave, feeling like a part of himself was leaving with you.  

One of his hands landed on the side of your hips, the other searching for your face.Your grip on him grew tighter once his fingers brushed the skin on your face but you eventually let go, allowing his hand to guide you slightly away from him.  

"What happened?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  

You didn’t respond, but one look into your eyes, and he knew the answer. Whatever it was, it had affected you to the core, the broken look in your eyes could only be compared to the one he saw every time he looked at his reflection in the mirror.  

His forehead rested on yours, both your eyes closing at the contact.  

"It’s ok. I got you."  

His hand found yours as he guided you toward his bed. It wasn’t until then that he noticed you still had your tactical gear on, dirt and crystals still hiding in some places. He grabbed the buckle of your vest, his eyes asking for permission to get it off. A slight nod gave him the confirmation, beginning the process of somewhat freeing you of the events you had seen. He got rid of his own garments too, leaving you both standing in front of yourselves with only underwear covering you. He dragged you into bed, your frames covered by the light white sheets on his bed. 

Not many times had he allowed himself to think of you in a sexual manner, knowing how his body would react in a lustful way. But as he found himself looking at you with barely any clothes on, the desire was left on the back burner of his brain. You needed him. You needed his comfort, and he was more than willing to give it to you.  

He would give you anything you asked for.  

His hand rested on your face, tracing circles across your cheek, your eyes closed at the soothing action.  

"I’m sorry." Your voice trembled. He could see you wanted to say more, but words failed to come out of your mouth  

Bucky’s heart ached. He had never seen you in such a vulnerable state, and his mind was going cray at the thought of not being able to do anything to help you.  

"It’s ok, sunshine. You don’t have to talk about it."  

So you lay there, head against his chest, as he kept you between his arms, with nothing other than the sound of the crickets outside his hut surrounding you. And for the first time in a long time, you felt what being loved felt like.  

That night, you kissed him for the first time. You didn’t stop, not even the next morning when he woke you up with breakfast already made and a cup of lavender tea. 

 Now  

"Bring him to the table!" you yelled.  

Your hand swept across the surface, knocking over every piece of paper, pencil, and piece of equipment. The vibrations of the heavier objects on the concrete floors matched the beating of your heart.  

Bucky dropped Sam on the table. The man had gone unconscious on the ride to the safe house, the bullet wound that oozed liquid crimson was most likely the cause.The same crimson color now stains Bucky's clothes, and his leather gloves were also covered in a thin layer of it.  

You brought your knife to slash through his clothes, the sharp metal cutting through them as if they were butter. The hole on his shoulder seemed to have no exit, the bullet was still inside him. You were glad Sam wasn’t conscious for the next hour.  

The super soldier hovered over you for the entirety of the time you spent cleaning through the fragments that splintered from the bullet. Everything went relatively well until Sam started waking up, his body contorting in pain as you dug through his wound. Bucky brought him a bottle of vodka while you injected him with some local anesthesia.  

Hours later, the wounded man was now resting on the only bed the safehouse had, his breathing bringing great comfort as it meant he was still alive. After half a bottle of vodka and a some painkillers diluted on his IV, you were sure he wouldn’t wake up until tomorrow.  

The faucet sprayed cold water onto your palms. Your nails desperately tried to scrape away the traces of blood that still lingered in your skin, leaving red marks all across your knuckles. Dirt and dried blood were trapped underneath your fingernails, and no matter how much you tried to dig it out, it would stay right there.  

Bucky’s footsteps brought you out of your trance, the heavy sound of his combat boots felt deafening with each step he took. You tried to tune him out, focusing once again on the sound of water, but it seemed as if Bucky had made it his purpose to be as loud as possible. You held onto the sink so strongly that you were sure it would snap.  

A deep rage came from your stomach, spreading all over your body. The anger constricted your chest in such a way that you weren’t sure if somehow you were buried under a collapsed building, its weight invisibly crushing you.  

It was his fault. It was all his fault.  

You didn’t remember walking outside the bathroom, nor did you remember walking up to him and slapping away the cup of water his hand held.  

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" you barked at him.  

"I—"  

"I gave you one task. You had to wait until I gave you the signal so you could come in. Not guns blazing, not punching everyone that comes your way, not drawing everyone's attention to us. Your only fucking job was to wait for the distributor to show up and wait for my goddamn signal."  

"What did you want me to do? Just stand there and do nothing?" he argued.  

You were taken aback by his response. Part of you expected him to just let you scream at him and give you the same soft eyes he always gave you when you spoke to him.You weren't expecting him to snap back at you or to defend himself. 

Maybe if things hadn’t gone sour between you two, you would’ve listened to what he said, and in return, he would’ve listened to you. But the anger was too strong to be subdued.  

"I wanted you to follow the fucking plan."  

"He was about to torture you!"  

Bucky's thoughts returned to the old factory turned whorehouse.The way you had purposefully gotten caught and how they had tied you to an exposed pipe line. He could still hear the sound of the man’s hand smashing against your cheek.  

"I can handle myself! I told you guys to stay put until the distributor was there. He knows I’m after him, and this was our only chance to catch him. And now he’s god knows where and Sam got fucking shot."  

A heartbeat passed before Bucky came close to your face. His big frame towered over you, and his breathing hit your face.  

"You’re fucking delusional if you think I was just going to let anything happen to you."  

You scoffed, "Oh, so now you care?"  

"I’ve always cared."  

You pulled away from him, your eyes rolling at his pathetic words.  

"Sure."  

Perhaps it was the fact that you had been in danger no longer than a couple of hours ago, or maybe it was the heat of the fight that had left some residues on him. Whatever it was, it made Bucky courageous enough to reach for your arm.  

"Look at me."  

You swatted him away.  

"Don’t fucking touch me."  

But this time he wasn't going down without a fight.Not again.  

"I know I was an asshole at the end of our relationship, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care for you anymore."  

A bitter laugh came out of you. All of this had to be some sick joke. "When you care about someone, you don’t treat them like that. You didn’t care about me, and you sure as hell didn’t love me."  

His hand tried to touch you again, and this time you let him. You were tired. Tired of fighting with him. You closed your eyes as soon as his skin came in contact with yours, his touch consuming all of your senses.  

You opened your eyes to find him staring back at you, the blue eyes that once hurt you shining the same way they did the first time you kissed him.  

"I did love you," he whispered into your lips. "I still do."  

His words burned you like someone had branded you with hot iron in the chest.Even after all this time, he could still hurt you, Why couldn’t he just leave you alone? Why did he have to bring back the past you so fiercely tried to leave behind?  

"Don’t." Your lower lip quivered. "Y-you can't just break my heart and then come back into my life and just say you still love me."  

"I never stopped loving you."  

Those five words were all it took to tear down what little control you had over yourself. A year ago it would've broken you to hear them but now they only brought a deep sense of indignation. 

With a quick move, you pulled his hand away from you, your hands pushing against his chest until he hit the wall. You wanted him to hurt. You wanted to carve his heart out of his ribcage and throw it far away, maybe then he would understand what it felt like.  

"Where was your love when I needed it, huh? Where was your love when I had no one else? Where was your love when I reached for you every night but you were already gone? Where was your love when I begged you to love me, to be there for me?" Your hands were clutching his jacket, and your vision was blurred by tears."Where the fuck was your love when you brought that girl to your apartment?"  

Bucky never saw you like this, not even when he stomped on your heart with his indifference. Under the anger, the hate, and the surface indifference you showed him, he could see how broken you were. He could see how you were constantly struggling to put the pieces of yourself back together that he had torn apart. 

He hated himself for extinguishing parts of you. 

"I’m sorry."  

A lapse of judgment.  

That’s what you would tell anyone who asked you why you kissed Bucky that night. You would say that you had been blinded by the pure rage his mere presence would bring you. Or perhaps you would take the easy route and you would say that with everything that happened that night, almost being tortured and Sam getting hurt, you had acted in a primitive instict of searching comfort.  

The truth was different. You could lie to yourself and say that you didn’t needed Bucky, not after all the things he had done. You lied to yourself constantly when you told yourself you were over him. You also lied to yourself when you claimed that your one-night stands had fulfilled you in the same way that Bucky had. 

You couldn’t feel anything, not ever since you walked out of his apartment. You had tried different people, different cities. You had tried different alcohols and different drugs. You had tried anything that could help you fill the emptiness that had found a permanent home inside you. You felt nothing, not until you saw those cerulean eyes again.  

Your kiss was aggressive, your lips smashing against his with strength and your hands finding their place in the back of his head. It took a second for Bucky to kiss you back as he thought his mind was playing tricks with him. But after you pressed yourself against his chest, his body reacted on muscle memory alone, his arms surrounding your waist.  

It wasn’t what you expected, though. You thought that the specks of love that remained between you would be enough to bring back whatever it was that you were missing. Instead, you were met with the most intense hatred you've ever felt, mixed with the melancholy of what could've been. 

He tasted like the past, but he still hurt like the present.  

So you made a decision.If you couldn't bring yourself to love Bucky Barnes anymore, you would hate him with all that remained of your soul. You would hate him until both of you burned in the flames of your agony. You'd despise him until you'd ripped every part that matched the ones he'd so easily broken. 

"I hate you," you whispered between kisses. "I fucking hate you."  

Your words were daggers to his heart. His chest tightened, and his grip on you faltered for a second before he snapped out of it. This wasn’t about him. If you needed to tell him how much you despised him, he would gladly let you kill him with your words. It was the least you deserved.  

"I know," he mumbled against your lips.  

He felt your body guiding him through the room until the back of his legs hit against the couch where he would sleep. Your hands pushed against his chest, making him sit on the couch while you straddled his lap.  

Clothes flew across the room, and you found yourself tearing his shirt apart in two while he only pulled yours off.You'd worry about that later; right now, nothing was more important than feeling your skin against his. 

Your hands traveled over his chest, fingers grazing every part of his abdomen as you trailed down to his zipper. You palmed him over his jeans, his cock already hard, and you felt it twitch against the fabric with every touch you gave him. Groans left Bucky’s lips.  

"I hate you," you repeated as a mantra.  

He shouldn’t make you feel this way, but as you see his head going back when your hand opened his fly and found it’s place around his cock you felt your own desire pooling in your lower belly and the aching in your core became unbearable.  

With swift movements, Bucky got rid of his pants and his underwear while you remained on top of him. With your frame still covered by a black lace bra and your black tactical pants on, he couldn't help but feel exposed when he looked at you.Deciding he didn’t wanted to be the only one naked his hands went to the side of your hips in efforts to get you rid of the fabric but your hand swatted him away.  

Beg me, your eyes said.  

For a moment, he considered tearing your pants apart the same way you had done with his shirt. However, the seriousness behind your eyes warned him that he might end things too soon if his stubbornness got in the way. So he gave in.  

"Please, Sunshine." His hands gripped your waist, his hips grinding against your still-wrapped core, sending shivers down your spine."Please, let me see you."  

You relented, unbuttoning your pants and throwing them away with your panties. In what were the longest seconds of Bucky’s life, you unclasped your bra, finally getting rid of the last barrier your body held on to.  

You stood there, completely naked, staring at Bucky.He remembered the way your breasts felt when he held them. He remembered how soft your skin was. He remembered that if he bit on the skin of your neck, right where the jugular is, you would clench around him. He remembered. In the lonely nights when he needed some release, he would close his eyes and imagine your lips around his cock as he fisted himself in the solitude of his apartment. 

All those memories didn’t compare to watching you in the flesh, with hungry, hateful eyes on him as you walked back to straddle him again.  

His cock twitched once your legs fell to his sides, the heat of your body settling on his crotch. You sat on top of him, your wetness welcoming him once you lowered yourself. His length placed itself right between your lips, and a groan left him.  

"Fuck."  

Your hips began rocking in slow but sharp motions as he felt his cock coated with your slick. Slowly, you built up a rhythm that made both of you moan. His hands landed again on your hips, his fingers pressing on your skin in a way that was certain to leave bruises the next day. Your own hands gripped on Bucky’s biceps for stability, and you squeezed them every time you would feel him brushing against your clit.  

You felt amazing on top of him, but that wasn’t what made his heart pound against his chest.  

It was your eyes. Your eyes never left him, no matter how much pleasure you were pulling from both of you and how badly you wanted to roll your eyes as the coil inside of you tightened. Your eyes, which once showed him what love could look like, now looked at him with a simmering hatred he could not shake.  

His chest tightened at the thought of never seeing them again. The electricity that ran through his body was replaced by a deep sense of hopelessness, and the more he kept his gaze on you, the more it amplified. You must’ve sensed the change in him because your movements stopped.  

Broken eyes now stared at you with the ghost of tears in them. The anger that had driven your actions and your thoughts through all this had now subsided, allowing itself to mix with melancholy.   

I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you. His eyes said.  

I hate you. I’ll never forgive you. I wish I never met you. Yours answered.  

And in the middle of the lust that was taking place right on the couch, both of your hearts broke again.  

You pulled him back for a kiss that tasted of desperation and sorrow as tears fell from both your eyes. The saltiness of the tears bled into the kiss and mixed with it.Quickly, your hand guided his tip to your entrance. You needed him inside you like a person lost in the desert needs water. You craved him with every cell in your body, and it tore your heart apart.  

"So tight." He moaned in your mouth as you sank into him.  

The stretch of his length burned as you forced yourself to take him fully. It hurt, and even with your arousal completely covering him, you weren't prepared to take his thick length.You didn’t care though, you hoped it would make you forget your heartbreak. Bucky tried to stop you as he felt you struggling to take him in. His hands held your waist, but you shook your head before you started bouncing on him.  

You didn’t want love from him. You didn’t want tenderness or care. You wanted roughness. You wanted strength and aggressiveness until the only thing you could feel was the ache between your legs.  

The super soldier gave you what you wanted.  

Bucky’s pace was brutal, his cock hitting the sweet spot only he could reach. The sound of his hips colliding with yours filled the room, bouncing off the walls and echoing through the hallway outside.In the back of his mind, Bucky was thankful Sam was knocked out with meds so he could be spared from the obscene orchestra your bodies played.  

The pain quickly turned into pleasure. Your walls hugged him tightly, each thrust carried a strength that left you breathless. At some point your legs had given in, the only reason why you kept bouncing was the snap of his hips pushing you. He didn’t let go of you though, instead he pushed you against his chest in an embrace that surrounded you tightly.  

Your head rested against his while your hands stayed on his chest. The sadness that mixed with the pleasure numbed everything else except for the bubbling up of your release. It pained you to admit that no one else could make you feel like Bucky, you had tried to find someone who could replicate what his touch could do for you, but no one ever came close.  

You hated how much you missed him and how much you needed him.  

"I wish you would’ve stayed dead." you panted. The poison behind your words shredded his heart. He knew you were saying it to hurt him, he knew you didn’t mean it, but the conviction behind it felt like a kick in the chest. "I wish we never brought you back."  

"Me too." he finally admitted.  

Bucky felt your walls constrict around him, and he could tell you were close. He drew you in for one last kiss, the kind that took your breath away. The type of kiss that was a solace in a world of agony. The type of kiss that meant a promise that carried forever.  

You tightened around him as you came, and his thrusts slowed down as he rode you through your high. As you closed your eyes, more tears fell from the corners, so he reached out to wipe them away.Once you had recovered a little, his brutal pace came back, this time chasing his own release. You brought your lips to kiss his neck, feathery, soft kisses, and he felt his balls tightening. He was so close.  

He tried to pull out so he could fist himself to the end but you didn’t budge, instead whispering in his ear.  

"Inside."  

He came harder than he had done in the last year. You felt his cock twitching inside as he covered your walls with his cum, the mess between your release and his own dripping out of you. You kept bouncing on top of him, making sure to return the favor by guiding him all the way through the end.  

You stood up, the feeling of emptiness making you shudder when his cock left you, and his cum started leaking out of you. You turned to go find something to clean yourself up, but his metal hand stopped you. He guided you back to the couch before he walked towards the bathroom. A few minutes later, he came back with a towel, and he positioned himself right between your legs.  

He cleaned you up just like he had done for so many years before.His other hand caressed your thigh as he made sure to wipe everything. And just as he always did for years, once he finished, he kissed your inner thigh, a couple of inches away from your pussy.  

Bucky threw the towel to the floor, he would worry about it in the morning.As for right now, the only thing he wanted was to hold you close. So he did. He thanked the couch was big enough to fit you both as you layed together. He pulled the blanket he used to warm himself every night over you, and his arm surrounded your waist, his grip making your back settle against his front. His left hand traced lazy circles over your stomach while the other was used as your pillow.  

For a few seconds, both of you allowed yourselves to reminisce in the past. He kissed the top of your head as you snuggled against him like you usually did. And as you felt his warmth behind you and inhaled his scent, everything seemed to be alright once again.  

Except they weren’t. Bucky wasn’t the man who made you feel secure anymore, and you weren’t the woman who trusted him with all her heart. Both of them belonged to the past.  

"I don’t love you anymore. I will never love you again." you broke the silence.  

Bucky held you tighter as his heart broke once again.  

"I don’t deserve your love." He whispered. "But I’ll still love you forever." 

Then  

Loving Bucky Barnes was never easy.   

It wasn’t all bad, though. For many years you had been together, three and a half to be exact, where you could imagine a life with. Three years where there was no one you trusted more or preferred to be with.Three years that were the happiest of your life.  

Those were a few of the reasons why he had asked you to marry him. And those were also a few of the reasons why you had said yes.  

You had told yourself at the beginning that you couldn’t get attached to him for the safety of your heart. It didn’t matter that his touch felt like home or that during the times you spent apart, his eyes would be the only comfort you would find in your dreams. He would bring more heartbreak than love.  

Oh, how right you had been.  

Unfortunately for you, the heartbreak would come in a way you couldn’t have prevented.  

The snap came and took him away from you. One second he was standing next to you, the next he was turning into dust that flew into the wind. The last thing he had said was your name and after that half the population was gone.  

The years went by in a blur. Between nights filled with drugs and alcohol and days spent cramped up in your apartment, you were wallowing in the type of sadness that the rest of the population could understand. You kept your ring in your finger, it reminding you that what your memories craved for were real.  

Bucky had been real.  

With his departure, he had also taken your heart. 

After a particularly bad night where you crashed your vehicle into a contention bar, Tony had taken it upon himself to help you, offering you a home close to his secluded one. You took it, not because you wanted to get better but because you wanted solitude. But if life had taught you anything about Tony Stark, it was that he was as stubborn as they come.  

Every morning he would bring you breakfast along with a visit from a certain little baby that always wanted to be held by you, and sometimes she would be able to bring a small smile to your face. With time, the little baby turned into a little girl that would ask for a sleepover every once in a while, and you would gladly accept the offer to allow Tony and Pepper a night alone.  

Things got better. You visited Steve and Natasha at the compound and even allowed yourself to go in missions of your own, as it turned out not even The Snap could make criminals take a break. You even went to one of Steve’s depressing support group meetings, never returning for the next one.  

You couldn’t be strong all the time, though. Some nights, when the pain was so strong that it drowned you and the grief was too powerful to keep at bay, you would find yourself staring at the hundreds of pictures you had taken of him. Most of them were of you together, but there were a few you took when he wasn’t looking. The sunset behind him as he breathed in the clean air of Wakanda, or the small smile on his face as he tasted the food he cooked for you both.Even when he was reading some of the books he kept under his bed and a few wrinkles would show on his forehead as his whole focus remained in the text, he always looked beautiful.  

With time, everything felt like a routine. Waking up alone, eating alone, going outside alone. Sleeping alone. Everything seemed to be stable, not good or bad, but just stable. You were sure this was the best you could do, or at least the best it could get.  

That is, until a ray of hope appeared. 

Time travel was the answer. Taken as a whole, it seemed like something out of a science fiction film, but it made sense.Bring the stones back and along with them everyone that had died. Surprisingly, it had worked, everyone that had been snapped away came back just as they had left. It should have been a moment of joy. It should've.  

The thing about hope is that it comes with a price. Natasha and Tony were the price to pay.  

Steve left shortly after.  

You understood him. You understood why he left everything and everyone behind to go live a life with the woman he had always loved. You would be a liar if you said you wouldn’t have done the same if you were in his position. You understood why he did it but it still hurt to know you weren’t enough of a reason to stay and live a life together.  

It seemed like you were on a streak of losing people. Wherever you turned, more people kept leaving your life. Wanda was gone, turned into the madness that grief could bring. Thor left to save other planets that needed him. Bruce... well, you weren’t sure where Bruce was, but he didn’t try to contact you.   

Everyone was gone but Sam and Bucky.  

Bucky. Your Bucky. The man you had spent the past five years crying for. The man who made you the happiest you'd ever felt.The man who felt like home.  

But he wasn't your Bucky any longer. 

This Bucky didn’t kiss you with the same tenderness he did so many years ago. Instead, he'd barely move his lips once yours touched his in what you'd call a mediocre peck.He also never initiated a kiss, it was you who always reached out for him.  

This Bucky didn’t held you at night. Instead, he'd turn around, his back to you, and even if you reached for him between dreams, he'd guide your hand back to your side of the bed.Some nights, he would even choose to sleep on the floor of the living room when he thought you were asleep. It was as if the thought of touching you seemed appalling to him.  

This Bucky never hugged you. 

This Bucky never talked to you with love  only with annoyance and indifference.  

This Bucky never woke you up with breakfast.  

This Bucky never tried to sleep with you.  

This Bucky never said I love you.  

Because this Bucky didn’t love you.  

But you held hope, foolishly. Every day you tried to talk to him, show him in every possible way that you were still here with him. Every day you tried to make things better between you, you poured your heart and soul to try to fix what you didn’t even know was broken.  

Things got worse a couple of months later.   

As it turned out, time had taken a toll on Steve’s body, and one night he went to bed and never woke up. You found it a bit ironic the man out of time had finally run out of time.  

His funeral was held on a sunny spring afternoon. People from all over the world showed up to say their final goodbyes to the man who had saved the world so many times. Friends, people he had saved, and heroes paid their respects to him. The first super soldier had finally been put to rest.  

After everyone had cleared out, you went back to drop one last token for his departure. It was a picture of the both of you. Steve’s arm hung over your shoulders while both of you held a couple of beers. It had been the first time you had seen Steve outside of work related situations. That was the beginning of your friendship.  

As you got back to his tombstone, you saw Bucky standing in front of it. His eyes were void of any expression, and he didn’t seem to be talking to Steve’s grave either. Bucky was just there, staring at the place where his best friend was buried.  

He didn’t seem to notice when you stood next to him, nothing in his body gave any signs of acknowledgement. You gave him a couple of minutes before you reached for his hand. You knew that, even if he didn’t show it, he was in great pain. He had lost his last connection to the life he had once lived.  

You wanted to be there to help him through his pain.  

The contact only lasted a few seconds. Your touch surprised him, as he had jolted once your skin grazed his own. He turned his head to the side to give you a glare that you’ve never seen before. His eyes had been filled with pain, as you guessed, but they also carried hatred and disdain. He must’ve seen your expression, because a second later his eyes changed to a neutral expression.  

"What are you doing here?" he muttered.  

The shock of his stare lingered in you for a moment, but you quickly returned to yourself, a friendly smile on your face."I came to leave a little parting gift."  

He hummed in acknowledgement, not sparing another glance at you as you put the photograph against the headstone, right in between the dozens of flowers that decorated it. Both of you stayed silent after that, the sounds of the birds and the faint rumbling of cars were the only sounds keeping you company. It was peaceful. It was good. Just the two of you enjoying a moment's calmness in silence. 

For a few moments, you felt comfortable next to him. The first time in months since he came back. But good moments like that never lasted long.  

Without notice, he turned around. Long, desperate strides guided him towards the exit of the graveyard. He wanted to create distance between you and him, find somewhere that was as far away from you as he could be. You felt how you were losing him.  

But you fought for him, even when he seemed to not deserve it.  

"Bucky." You called for him. He stopped in his tracks, but he didn’t turn around, so you took that as a sign to keep going. "I know you’re hurting right now, I am too, but I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you."  

He didn’t answer for a few seconds, and you thought you had made a breakthrough. Maybe this was the time when things went uphill. This was the little push he needed to start healing and perhaps to try to rebuild the bridges that had burned. This was the little thread of hope you'd hung up on.  

You were wrong.  

"You have no idea how I feel," he said before leaving.  

That night you came back to your cabin, and Bucky’s things were gone. The only thing left was a note that rested in the middle of the bed.  

I found an apartment in the city. I need space.  

You didn’t see him for a couple of months after that. You considered tracking him down but ultimately gave up as he had asked for space. He needed time on his own, and you could give it to him. You would give him anything he asked for.  

You kept your word until Strange came to visit you, announcing news about Wanda. She was dead.  

You barely remembered tracking down his address or making your way there. It wasn’t until you were facing his door that you realized what you had done. He asked for space but in that moment, you couldn’t give it to him. You needed your Bucky.  

Knock, knock, knock.  

It was late in the night, and you could hear the TV going on in the living room. He had to be home. After a few minutes without an answer, you knocked again, but the only thing that welcomed you was silence.  

"Bucky," you called. Your voice was broken, you tried to fight the tears away, but saying his name broke what little self-control you had left. "Please open the door."  

You rested your forehead against the door, finally allowing yourself to feel everything you had been pushing back ever since the fight with Thanos. Pain, grief, loneliness, hatred, sadness, despair. A cocktail of emotions ran through you in an overwhelming way and seemed to want to drown you.  

"I know you’re in there." You cried. The tears that ran down your face landed on the floor. "I just— I know I said I could be strong for the both of us, but... I need you."  

You knocked on the door again, this time with the side of your fist. The desperate sound of your knocking bounced through the walls of the deserted hallway.  

"Please Bucky, please open the door. Wanda is dead." Your own cries stopped you from talking, the hole in your chest seemed to get bigger and bigger with each passing second. "Nat, Tony, Steve, Wanda. All of them are dead, and I—I can’t. I can’t keep losing people. I can’t lose you."  

You couldn’t do this alone, not anymore. Your heart couldn’t take it anymore.  

"I love you. God, I love you so much. I know you want space, but right now I need your love, Bucky. I need you to love me like you used to. Please love me." You begged.  

And you waited. You waited for what seemed like hours, but it probably was just thirty minutes until you accepted he wasn’t coming out.  

 You left with half a heart that night.  

Two weeks later, you came back to his apartment, ready to demand an explanation. Your love for him was strong, but you needed him to talk to you. You were ready to fight for your future. You were ready to fight for your love.  

"Bucky!" you yelled as you knocked aggressively. "Bucky, open the fucking door!"  

The door didn’t take long to open. It surprised you, your confidence and anger faltered for a second. This was a sign, perhaps it was him being ready to fight for you too. This was him showing you he still loved you.  

Except the person who opened the door wasn’t Bucky.  

It was a girl. A short brunette that was covered by Bucky’s black T-shirt and nothing more.  

"Hi."  

You wanted to scream. You wanted to burst into tears. You wanted to burn the world and leave everything behind. You wanted to die. But the only thing you could do was stay there and stare at the girl.  

"Umm, Bucky is not here." She said awkwardly, your intense stared made her uncomfortable.  

"Do you know where he is?" You questioned her. The words came out rougher than you intended, but as the heartbreak and despair set in, you couldn't care less. 

"No. I, um, when I woke up he was already gone." She pulled the hem of the t-shirt down in an effort to convey her nervousness, but it only infuriated you more. "Are you a friend of his?"  

You wanted to laugh. God, this couldn’t be happening.  

"Yeah, of sorts."  

"I can let you in so we can wait for him, but I have to leave in like twenty minutes."  

"You can’t call him?" you asked, bitterly. You knew Bucky had gotten a new phone but he never gave you his number.  

Her face blushed before she answered. "No, uh. We met last night, and he didn’t give me his number.  

"Oh."  

You didn’t know what would be worse, if he had seen this girl ever since he left your cabin or the fact that he had a one night stand with a random girl. It didn’t matter, though, Bucky Barnes had crushed your heart.  

The girl, whose name was Clara, kept her word, leaving minutes later as she had to go to work. She seemed like a nice girl who had no idea the man she had slept with was engaged. And perhaps in another world you would’ve been nicer to her if your heart hadn’t collapsed in on itself when she opened the door. Maybe she was a little naïve, as she let you stay inside the apartment so you could wait on Bucky. She had also asked you to give him her number, the digits scribbled on a piece of paper.  

You broke down the moment she closed the door behind her. You thought of trashing the place, breaking every piece of furniture he owned, and burning all his clothes in a pit in the middle of his living room. You imagined yourself hurling the stupid leather jacket he seemed to be fond of lately.You also thought about settling for burning everything to the crisp, wanting to see the look on his eyes once he saw his apartment consumed by flames.  

You didn’t do any of those things, though; instead, you waited. This time, hours actually went by, the once bright morning turned into the darkness of the night, and you never moved from your spot on the couch, not even to turn on the lights.  

Bucky came back to his apartment around 11 p.m. When he noticed the apartments' lack of lightning, he felt relieved not to have to deal with the girl he had taken home the night before. By the looks of it, she left a while ago.  

He turned on the light before taking of his jacket, placing it on the coat hanger next to the door.As he walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water, he tossed his keys on the counter.He had to change the sheets on his bed and do laundry tomorrow. The glass was half full when a voice behind him spoke.  

"You have a nice place here."  

The glass dropped from his hands into the kitchen sink. His head snapped quickly towards you, finding you seated in the middle of his couch. He turned off the sink, before making his way toward you. You couldn’t be here, not today of all days.  

"How the hell did you get in here?" he barked.  

He didn’t mean it like that, not in the way it sounded. He wasn’t angry at you being inside his apartment, he was scared. Scared that you had arrived at the wrong time and seen something you weren’t meant to see.  

He finally stood in front of you and saw it. Your nose was slightly puffy and red, like you had been crying for some time. Your shoulders were slumped, defeat washing over your posture. But the thing that hurt the most to see was the pain behind your eyes. It wasn’t the normal type of pain of loss or grief as you had experienced these past months. No, it was something else.  

It was the pain of heartbreak and betrayal.  

It couldn’t be.  

You couldn't have been here when she was still in his house. There was no way, life could not hate him this way. It had to be something else that broke your heart, he had hurt you many times this past couple of months, and today was probably the day it all crashed down. It had to be that.  

"Clara let me in."  

No.  

"Nice girl, she left her number for you."  

You knew, you had seen the girl who was apparently named Clara, he didn’t really remember it. Bucky knew he had to do something, anything that could save your relationship. Perhaps if he begged you not to leave him, to let him explain everything that had been going on with him, and if he spent the rest of his days making it up to you, then you would stay. Maybe you could forgive him.  

He didn’t do any of that, though. The same thoughtless attitude washed over him like it had done ever since he came back. It was as if his brain forced him to act this way in order to protect his own heart in the long run. 

Instead of doing everything he could to fix this, he shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest.  

"How long?" you asked. Bucky could see your eyes watering as you tried to keep yourself together. He hated himself. "How long have you been cheating on me?"  

His mouth answered without his permission.  

"Does it even matter?"  

Maybe he was right. Maybe it the answer wouldn’t change the way you were feeling; if anything, it was bound to hurt you more. But a part of you wanted to know the truth, to extinguish the other half of your heart.  

You didn’t budge, so Bucky finally answered, not before rolling his eyes. "She’s the only one. I met her yesterday in a bar. "He shrugged. "It just happened."  

You knew the answer, yet it still hit you with the force of a thousand bricks. He admitted it. He fucking admitted it and he didn’t even show a single morsel of remorse. There weren't any apologies or begs, no promises, or big romantic and sorrowful speeches. You could feel your own love being smothered, the flames that had once brought so much warmth to your soul were replaced by cold and emptiness.  

Bucky Barnes didn’t love you anymore. 

Now  

Bruises covered your body as well as new injuries that would probably give you more scars. Dirt and blood slid down the drain, exhaustion settling in as your muscles relaxed. The droplets of water fell against your body, washing away everything that had happened today.  

You found the intel, you knew every single name of everyone involved with the heinous experiments you were chasing.  

You had almost died, one of the guys Bucky and you had cornered, had a bomb attached to his chest. You tried to stop him, your gun pointing at his head, but you were too slow. The explosion shook the entire structure, causing a chain collapse of the floors around you. 

Bucky had jumped to protect you, his body acting as a human shield, deflecting some of the impact.His flesh arm had a large metal piece embedded in it, as well as some burns on his back. The explosion had knocked you both out of the air, and the resulting wave had thrown you both across the room. 

As you tried to shake away the confusion and the ringing from your ears, you felt his hand find its place along your face and travel to your stomach. As he scanned you, blue eyes looked at you with fogginess but also deep concern. 

"You ok?" he had whispered.  

You nodded, but your mind was still fuzzy, perhaps you had hit your head, but you couldn’t remember much.  

But you remembered the desperation. You remembered everything crumbling apart as you tried to make your way to the exit. You remembered Sam’s voice screaming through your earpieces to get the fuck out of there. You remembered Bucky's hand always keeping you safe, guiding you through the clouds of cement and smoke.  

You also remembered how Bucky’s steps faltered before collapsing. Neither of you had noticed he had a second piece of metal scrap buried between his ribs. If he had removed it, his enhanced healing would have taken care of it, but the extenuating movements had caused damage to his lungs, bleeding, and a lack of oxygen, causing him to pass out. 

You remembered screaming for Sam’s help, begging him to help you save Bucky. You remembered the tears falling from your eyes as you tried to pull Bucky to safety, begging him not to die, begging him to wake up. You remembered the fire catching up to you, it’s warmth burning your skin. You wanted to kill Bucky, you would be happy if you never seen his face again, dance on top of his grave as you celebrated the end of his existance.  

Then why were you fighting so hard to save him?  

"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. You can’t do this to me!"  

"Bucky wake the fuck up!"  

"Please! I can’t lose you like this!"  

Fortunately, Sam came for you, him and all his Captain America glory had saved both of you, his wings protecting all three of you as you carried Bucky outside. You had barely gone a few steps ahead when the building finally set one last explosion, ending with everything on it's way.All three of you landed on the floor with a thud as the shock wave reached you.  

You focused your attention on Bucky's wound, which was already healing, but his lack of response worried you.His breathing was barely existent, and his heartbeat was decreasing. You had straddled his lap and began performing CPR on him while asking Sam to go fetch the adrenaline shot you stored in the vehicle. You had punctured Bucky's chest with it, and after a few seconds, he had woken up.  

You remembered clinging to him as he tried to sit straight, the desperation finally gone from your body.  

The body behind you wrapped his hands along your waist, pulling you out of your memories and spreading the soap he had covered you with. Bucky's fingers traced all the way down your body, removing every trace of stress. 

After everything happened, Sam told you to go back to the safehouse while he met with Joaquin to try and start locating people with the intel you had gathered. You thought about fighting him, but one look at Bucky and any fight you had left was done.  

A knowing look from Sam told you this wasn’t just to let both of you rest and get cleaned up. It was a second chance.  A second chance at the talk you had avoided to had with Bucky ever since that night you slept together.  

You drove back to the safehouse, and once you had gotten inside, everything crumbled apart inside of you. As you reached out to Bucky, your tears had fallen, your hand lingering in his fleshy arm, right where his wound was.His hand cupped your face, his thumb tracing the stream of blood that fell from your eyebrow. In the silence of the room, no words were exchanged, but both your hearts understood.  

Just for today, you would allow yourselves to comfort each other.  

His lips peppered kisses along your shoulder as he cleaned you, his lips sometimes finding your neck or your lips when you would press yourself against him. As you spread the shampoo over his head, your fingers massaged his scalp with the tenderness he had missed, his eyes closing every time you hit the right spot. 

After drying yourselves and changing into new clothes, you both layed on the bed, covered over the head with the thin white sheet you had. You faced each other, blue eyes meeting yours. Your fingers found his face as you traced along every crevice and line you hadn’t seen before. Bucky appeared to have aged years in the time you hadn't seen him, but he remained as beautiful as ever. 

Your heart ached in your chest, and you couldn’t fight it anymore. You had denied yourself the other feelings that remained inside of you other than hate and betrayal, but today, as death seemed to call for both of you, it was clear you didn’t want Bucky Barnes to die. A part of you hated him so deeply you weren’t sure you would be able to stop, but no matter how strong the hatred was, you were sure a part of you still loved him.  

However, that part of you was broken. Battered and bruised to death by his own doing but it was still there. It was locked inside the thousand-foot wall you had built around it to keep it safe. Refusing to ask questions, refusing to talk to him, and refusing to admit the pain you were in. But in doing so you hadn’t given yourself the opportunity to heal. To move on.  

So you allowed yourself to feel and to talk. For both your sake and his. 

"Why did you do it?" you broke the silence. His breathing faltered as your hand retracted back to your side. "Why did you hurt me like that?"  

Bucky struggled to find the right words. You were asking him the same question he had asked himself for many, many nights. He asked himself that question when he wouldn’t reach for you at night. He asked himself that question when he didn’t open the door for you.  

He asked himself that question when you walked out of his life.  

You deserved the truth. The whole, unapologetic, heartfelt truth. So he gave it to you.  

"The first time I came back to myself, after fighting Steve in the helicarrier, I realized the world had moved on without me. My plans, my family, and the people I knew were all left in the past. They all moved on without me, everyone was gone except for Steve. I had a plan, after the war I would go back and find myself a beautiful girl to marry." A sad smile posed on his lips as he reminisced. "I wanted the white picket fence and three kids package. Cookouts with my family and friends while I was still a war hero. But all of that was gone the moment I woke up in a time that wasn’t mine. My dreams were gone."  

He paused before reaching for your face, his eyes closing before opening again, tears streaming down his cheeks."Ever since I woke up, I was a man drifting in a time that wasn’t mine, in a life that wasn’t mine. I didn’t have any dreams, or aspirations other than to survive and perhaps discover the truth. Nothing made sense to me, not until I met you." His thumb wiped away the tears you didn’t know they were falling. "You were the very first person, aside from Steve, that was kind to me. You talked to me, listened to what I had to say. You showed me what this new world was about, how to survive in it, and above all, you never doubted my innocence. It wasn’t because you knew me like Steve did, or because he had asked you as a favor. You were my friend, the very first I made when I was lost. And along the way, you turned into more, you were my new dream. I fell in love with you, and suddenly it didn’t matter that I wasn’t supposed to be here, or what it could’ve been because with you, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere."  

A sob escaped you, his words burning your heart, branding them with the love you once felt for him. The heartbreak and the pain came once again, but it felt different. It was comforting in a way that scared you, terrified you. You knew he had loved you once, but you had stored those memories far away where they couldn’t hurt you. Because it was easier to tell yourself that Bucky had never actually loved you than to think he had loved you and had still betrayed you.  

"But no matter how much time passed or how loved or comfortable I felt, I was still scared. I was terrified. Terrified of the same thing happening again. Every day, I'd tell myself, 'Something is going to happen, something is going to take me away from you, and when I come back, another hundred years will have passed.' And it did happen. When Thanos snapped me away, I came back, and to me only seconds had passed, but for you it was five years. Everything had changed again, even you. There was this sadness that seemed to have nested behind your eyes every time you looked at me. And every time I looked at you, I could see how much you had suffered because of me, it was my fault, and I couldn’t do anything about it."  

"It wasn’t your fault." You tried to argue, but his words interrupted you.  

"I felt like it was. I felt like I must’ve had some sort of curse that would always take me away from what made me the happiest, and in return, I would hurt everyone around me with it. I had died once again and the world kept going, once again. And I tried really hard to fight those thoughts, but it was as if a cloud of darkness would whisper to me that I didn't belong here anymore.That everything had changed once again, and it would happen again and again and again until I finally died. And I didn't know what to do; it was as if this voice was drowning me, washing away every ounce of happiness I had left inside me until all that remained was anger and resentment." 

His voice had broken, as had his ability to hold back the tears.He had buried this for so long, too embarrassed to say them aloud, to admit how he had messed up everything because he was afraid.He wasn’t the man who had sworn to protect you against everything, he was a coward. A coward who had let his own fear hurt you in ways he could never fix.  

"I’m sorry. I’m so sorry." Bucky kissed your forehead. "You didn’t deserve any of what I did to you, and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for doing that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, I’m sorry I pushed you away when all you did was trying to help me. I’m sorry I slept with someone else. I'm sorry I messed everything up because the truth is, you have been the best thing that has ever happened to me, past and present, and if I had to go through all of the pain, torture, and heartbreak all over again just to meet you, I would." 

You stayed there in silence for minutes. Neither of you dared say anything else that would break the silence. Both your hearts had been through a lot today, from the threats of death to the realizations of love and pain that had been confessed. But amongst the suffering and the torment, both of your hearts began to heal, and the pieces that had been ripped apart came back to where they belonged.  

You took his hands into yours, your lips kissing his knuckles. "I don’t know if I could ever forgive you for what you did." Bucky’s eyes closed in ache, he knew it was a possibility, but it still hurt to know there was no hope, but your words stopped him from spiraling. "But I would like to try."  

Hope. A tiny silver of hope. 

"Do you think there is a chance for us in the future?"  

You considered it. Your mind and your heart still pulling towards different directions but none of them letting you decide. Would you be willing to risk your heart once again for Bucky Barnes, or has the damage been too great to be fixed and covered? "I don’t know."  

"That’s ok. I'm not going to ask about it again unless you want me to." 

He kissed you one last time. His lips still had a subtle taste of smoke and burned, but above it was something overpowering, something both of you felt as he deepened the kiss. You both tasted redemption and forgiveness. 

Forever 

"Thanks for helping me."  

"Don’t thank me, I’m only doing it for the beer."  

Bucky and you chuckled at his poor attempt at a joke, your footsteps echoing in the half-empty apartment. A couple of seconds later, your mattress landed with a loud thud in your bedroom, making you happy to be finally done. You threw yourself on the bed, Bucky following you close behind, his heaviness bouncing you off. You turned to your side, resting your head on your hand, and he replicated your pose.  

It had been a year and a half since you decided to bring Bucky back into your life, and things had changed dramatically since then.You stopped doing solo missions and moved to New York, where you split your time between assisting Sam and Bucky with their shenanigans and volunteering at the woman's shelter Sam had connected you with. 

In the beginning, it was difficult to adapt to a tamer lifestyle than the one you had lived in the past year, but listening to all those women, the things they had been through, showed you that sometimes the thing people need to start healing is to have someone along the way.  

Bucky and you had become friends, just as you had been when you first met. It took time to get back to the beginning, but soon you found out how much you needed him as a friend, not a lover or a soulmate but just someone with whom you could talk. And, over the course of the many nights you spent talking, forgiveness found its way into your heart.You didn’t forget the past between both of you, but along the way there was understanding and care.  

"How was your date?"  

You shrug. "It was ok, not that great to be honest." 

During this time you had gone on a couple of dates, even went out with a guy for a couple of months, and since you and Bucky were ‘just friends’ you thought it would be uncomfortable to talk to him about them. But he had developed a habit of surprising you, and as it turned out, he was okay with it. When you asked why he was okay with it, his response surprised you. 

"I love you, I’ll always love you. But if you need me as a friend and nothing more, then I’ll be your friend."  

Your heart was still reluctant about him, after all, pain is a thing you can hardly forget. That had been the reason why you had tried to find someone else. Someone who could make you laugh as hard as he did, someone who could make you blush with just a cocky smile, someone who could calm you down and make everything better by simply holding you close at night.Someone who could make you happy. But all of them failed, because they weren’t Bucky Barnes.  

No one ever compared to Bucky Barnes, because after all the lies, heartbreak, and death surrounding you, he was still the only person who felt like home.  

Blue eyes stared at you and all you could feel was your heart racing. He was the man you had once loved and he had betrayed you, but time had mended your heart. The part of you that hated him was gone, and instead the love you felt for him came back, maybe not as strong as it once was but it didn’t matter. Your love was willing to build itself up, your love was willing to let him in one last time.  

"Ask me" you uttered. Your voice was so quiet that you thought he wouldn't hear you, but his puzzled expression told you otherwise. 

"What?"  

Your hand grabbed his, your thumb was drawing circles on his skin.  

"Bucky, ask me."  

Bucky’s heart stopped. A part of him had always told him that you would never want him back, and he couldn't blame you. He had hurt you in so many ways that he could never forgive himself. He had been sure the best he could have from you was friendship, and he had made his peace with it. Having you as only a friend was better than not having you at all.  

But you were giving him an opportunity, and he would be damned if he didn’t take it.  

"Would you—" he paused, clearing his throat.The nervousness inside him erased his ability to speak. "Would you like to go out for dinner? As in a date?"  

You made it seem as if you were thinking about it, but he didn’t worry about it. He knew your answer already.  

"Yeah, I guess I can make time for one date."  

You smiled. You gave him your biggest, most genuine smile in a long time.He smiled too.  

Loving Bucky Barnes hadn’t been easy. But as you both lay in your beds, his hands caressing your face and new hope brewing between you, your heart told you that this time would be different. 

He wasn't the same tormented man from another time you'd fallen in love with, and you weren't the same broken but hopeful girl he'd loved with all his heart.You both had hurt each other, but you had also grown, both of you in your own ways, and yet destiny had brought you back together.  

This time, neither of you was scared. 

This time, loving him would come as easily as breathing.

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[missmarveledsblog]

It's just pretend right? ( Bucky barnes x reader ) part 6

summary : revelations and secrets are finally revealed as kitty comes to terms with everything she thought she knew and was about to know and well once one avenger is attack well it's an attack on them all as the team visit the ranch .

warnings : this is a happier part sad but happy and sort of goofy

previous part

“ she not the only one , gonna need a little more than that terminator “ tony called his eyes locked on screen as friday was running it’s test on the dart . 

“ jessie , he was like her only he knows he’s adopted just not all of it ,  but her dad he said he was the same as her , it’s not what it looks like he’s not hydra not fully he’s a double agent  look it hard to explain either he or fury can explain the dynamics but we’re going to have to run some test make sure he doesn’t burst into flames” bucky explained placing her on the cot .

“ or shooting vines … oh yeah she does that too  so i guess we’re going to have to see what else our girl body is hiding from her and us “ tony said as their heads shot in his direction . 

“ why couldn’t she be just be the normal one , healthy family life but nope it’s like become an avenger and the trauma follows “ nat mumbled checking over her once more ignoring bucky. “ oh give it over “ she pushed him away .

“ stop fighting over me it gonna give me big ego like stark” she groaned 

“ hey Look she ok “ tony rolled his eyes . 

“ other than my life was a lie and my brother could be whatever i am what is going on and who is after me  “ she sat up as nat and Bucky helped her .

“ well hydra is after You , you brother well who might be your brother is from same lab rest i don't know fury kept his lips tight on this one and well  seems as they want you back” tony explained .  

“ that is just magical no seriously this fan fucking tastic” she scoffed. 

“ maybe let your dad explain “ nat smiled sadly .

 “ i will, you wanna Test My blood right ?” She looked to to tony who nodded . “ well lets do this first “ she pulled her sleeve up  looking down at her  arms  remembering what it was that came from them . 

“ how did you get your abilities how did they start” tony asked pulling the kit out from . 

“ you Dont have to tell him doll” bucky squeezed her should he could feel her tense , could hear the breath that got  caught In her throat . 

“ no its fine erm my cousin , terror twins we call them well they told me jessie was hurt climbing Into a water tower, they said It was accident but they pushed me in and  i thought i was going to drowned … no one was going to find me  then it came Like i just felt this feeling like building and building i thought  It … It was me dying  then boom fire to point all the water turned into steam that steam well   Actually did nearly kill me no oxygen And  i was in a coma for like a month , they laughed when i cried now everytime I see their stupid faces i remember like im trapped in that water tower “ she sniffled . “ nat and fury only people after family to know that well tony And steve cause a file that wasn't suppose to exist “ she laughed dryly Wiping  tears from her eyes . 

“ kitty” she turned To see her Dad and maybe he didn't expect it but she ran into his arms . She could see it , see that guilt and yet That Unconditional love in his Eyes . 

“ papa you need to tell me the truth The whole truth please”  she looked up at him and suddenly it was like looking down at the little girl he put to bed so many times after nightmares  or scared of monsters under the bed .

“ best sit down , please know this before i tell you this kitty none of it was fake for me  not one second did i think of you any different then my daughter” he smiled sadly . 

“ maybe we should give them space to do this “ nat winced , she knew  , steve knew and bucky knew . 

“ but i wanna … fine” tony pouted following the widow out while bucky squeezed her shoulders . 

“ i was in the military that part was true and i was good  , so good i caught the attention of shield who wanted me to work for them  , it was no brainer  whether to take the job or not really it was probably one of quickest yes  i said in my life first  they told me a baby was found little boy taking out of lab would we care for him and we said yes actually your mother said it  we got jessie then a few years later actually jessie was eight and the twin well were 6 and then nick fury came to me a mission so classified that not even the director alexander pierce knew it was going down , he said they found a lab pierce didn’t wanna bother with it but fury well couldn’t let it go so i went undercover pretended i wanted to be hydra said it was the future shit like that , they believed me  i’d send in the intel to fury and work in some lab one night they got this woman i and she had most beautiful baby girl i ever seen  , the lady fought she said she couldn’t do it again but they killed her so i called fury the raid happened and he slipped me out the back told me take this baby and not to stop for anyone he would come when he could so i did i brought you home and your mama she fell in love with you i went back and we told pierce everything and left out the part of you fury burned the place down so they would think you went with it  we got promoted i stayed for couple of years then i retired said i would help with the kids and ranch wanted to watch you grow up and that wasn’t a lie” he looked at her she could see it all in his eyes  . 

“ why didn’t you tell me , why didn’t fury tell me  was that how he found me in new york? “ she asked . 

“ i called him new places and that gift of your never did work so i asked him make sure you weren’t locked in a lab somewhere like .. “ 

“ E.T” She chuckled. 

“ jessie mom i don’t know if you both got same mama , she was pretty like you “ he held her face. 

“ then how come they won’t accept me ? they accepted jessie ? “ she asked softly . 

“ because your grandfather left everything in your name and their vultures …. Thanks  young man “ she turned to see tony letting her grandmother in . 

“ i like her … shit sorry i leave you too it … touching stuff really sorry for doubting you “ tony waved as he left . 

“ stop listening you over grown toddler” she yelled. 

“ couldn’t hear you “ his voice rang out over intercom of the jet . 

“ this is weird airplane” her grandmother looked around . 

“ ok back to it  the old guy left everything to her “ 

“ TONY “ 

“ Fine i’ll stop listening “ not that she believed that. 

“ yes as voice said he left it to you  most of it all is a bit of exaggeration some for jess and the twin not the horrible ones   cause you guys cared even still you write me every week telling me of your stories although i don’t like the gods part there’s only one of him “ she sat down . 

“ maybe wait before bring loki and thor here?” she whispered to her dad who nodded in agreement. 

 “ that’s why they pushed me in that water tower” she gasped . 

“ they heard  your grandpa talking with his lawyer “ her dad confirmed . 

“ you know no matter what they say your our kitty right? “ her grandmother asked . 

“ i do i’m sorry i ran off earlier  i mean it’s a lot still in tbh “ she winced . 

“ good now go say sorry your poor mother is beside herself in there “ her grandmother swatted her arm sending her to her feet  and kept swatting as she walked out the door to the house . 

“ hey stop .. can’t get around my ass  OWWW … sorry ma’am “ she yelped after the woman pinched her arm . “ stop laughing stank” she grumbled . 

She walked into the kitchen and seen her mama sitting and she felt instant guilt yes they did keep a lot from her  and yeah she was still right to feel  betrayed but giving the other outcome she did really have a great childhood and they didn’t treat her differently even with her gift they still treated her with same love and care  probably more so .

“ mama “ she smiled as the woman looked up rushing toward her honestly kitty was surprise how she still had tears left .

“ i’m sorry really baby we just wanted to keep you safe” she cried . 

“ i know now , i’m sorry for scaring you … also think your moms more lively then she letting on “ she whispered last part . 

“ hey pyro on the prairie your gonna wanna here this “ tony called . 

“ jesus what now is my birth parent actually aliens “ she scoffed  as she , izzy and her mom walked in just as jack and jessie walked in carrying cassies things . 

“ hey good timing this concerns you to  … bruce let them have it ?” tony called. 

“ hey kiddo you ok “ bruce voice came out the phone . 

“ i mean as well as i can come on lay it on me are me and jessie ET” she sighed . 

“ actually no  your from earth but hey wouldn’t be surprising giving it all really ..” 

“ today big little guy “ tony huffed. 

“ well you and jessie are sibling  you share the same dad , his mom died giving birth  and well your actually related to another member of the team “ bruce explained . 

“ please don’t say it bucky .. i mean i may be from south but not that far down south “ she grimaced . 

“ no it’s not bucky or steve actually it’s nat it would appear you two share same mother “ . 

“ holy shit i had dirty dreams about my little sisters sister “ jack blurted out .

“ please say i’m adopted too “ izzy face scrunched up in disgust as she stood away from her twin . 

“ your birth father well he was also part of nats life” bruce  went more quietly . 

“ shit bruce are you my dad” she gasped. 

“ do i look old enough to be your…. Nevermind actually turns out alexei shostakov is who your birth father “ bruce called . 

“ i did not see that coming “ nat mouth fell open 

“ wait the dude that pretended to be your dad then … you have got to be shitting me really?  Can we not pretend it was an alien “ she whined. 

“ sorry kiddo we’ll see you guys soon “ he hung up . 

“ what do he mean see you soon” she turned to tony. “ who’s we “ . 

“ the team hey your one of us mean priority is to stop whoever’s after you “ tony shrugged. 

“ i knew we had a sisterly bond” nat smirked . 

“ so my dad is guy that sold you?” jessie finally spoke up as nat nodded .” what the shit “ he sighed . 

“ i know right but you got two adoptive sister lets hope you didn’t have dirty thoughts about nat too “ she winced. 

“ nah i like that wanda chick we ain’t related to her in anyway are we?” he asked. 

“ ok moving on from that how the hell is alexei my dad?” she asked  . 

“ i’ll see if yelena can find out” nat pulled out her phone . “ hey lena we got more siblings “ she called walking out the room . 

 “ really no sign of being et “ she asked . 

“ sorry kitty cat “ tony patted her shoulder .  

Honestly she couldn’t believe one simple trip home well would result in all of this , nat being her sister  and the widows host/adoptive dad being her birth father and her being a lab experiment for hydra just tied it all in a neat bow serious how she wasn’t in a padded room albeit there was still time for that . she also had the team coming to the ranch in matter of hours and now she was hiding in her room trying to make sense of it all . 

“ come in “ she called as the knock on her door snapped her from her thoughts 

“ just wanted to check see you were ok “ bucky poke his head in .

“  i’m ok i think it still doesn’t feel real like this is so crazy all in a day i find out i’m adopted , nats my sister  so is yelena in a way which also mean i’m not even american right?  Oh god  what is my life” she fell on her bed staring at the ceiling. 

“ an your not an alien “ he pointed out . 

“ i was kinda hoping for that” she sighed . 

“ well turned out alexei volunteered for some red room / hydra thing back in the day before they severed ties  now he’s gushing about how his boy and his girls are well you know ” . 

“ yeah i think jessie would actually shoot him “ she laughed . 

“ he does want to meet you but nat told him that was up to you and to give you time  but yelena is on her way “ he said. “ she heard someone attacked and well “ 

“ she is very all for family “ she nodded. 

“ yeah jacks currently have a identity crisis asking is nat his sister too “  he lay beside her. 

“ bet you didn’t think this was going to happen when you agree to be my fake boyfriend “ she snorted honestly it had to be a joke right . 

“ i was thinking alien too cause doll you are out of this world “ he smirked as she broke out into laughter. 

“ oh my god you did not just say that  and steve said you were a ladies man sure you weren’t the dork back then “ .

“ you doubting my skills “ he sat up leaning over her . 

“ yes after that yess” she laughed alittle and yet she leaned up . 

They were mere inches apart before a banging on the door . 

“ hey teams here” nat yelled as bucky fell back . 

“ COME ON “ she yelled so close and yet so far . 

“ we could pretend to be asleep “ bucky groaned getting off the floor . 

“ nah nats waiting” she huffed. 

“ she’s right i am come onnn” nat sang . 

“ to be continued “ she winked before heading out the door .  

“ thanks natalia “ bucky groaned as the widow snorted . 

“ sorry barnes maybe  you can woo my little sister… so fun to say “ she smirked .

part 7

taglist : @vicmc624 @babble28 @scott-loki-barnes @ozwriterchick

[nockstormbringer]

BEN Drowned with S/O who is opposite personality to him. Headcanons

Brat || BEN Drowned

Synopsis -> How BEN would be with a significant other, who’s his opposite.

Warnings -> Dark Humour, mentions of death, mentions of ghosts, mentions of hitting, Jeff. Possibly more?? { Let me know if any are founded please 🙏 }

A/n -> I have school in an hour. I hate it.

Word count -> 858

↳ BEN to me is such a silly little guy. He’s a goof ball, he’s annoying. He gives off annoying little brother energy.

↳ So for him to have a Significant Other with an opposite personality, they’d would probably give off oldest sibling energy. Essentially, the responsible one.

↳ Definitely teases. Bro would come up behind his significant other, and either pick them up or jump on their back.

↳ BEN has severe ambivert energy. He LOVES hanging out with people, like Jeff and Sally.

↳ BUT, he also likes his privacy, so, bitches better give him that, or they’ll meet with a terrible fate.

{ Do you get it? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) }

↳ So, honestly, his significant other could go either way!

↳ Anyone else think he’d flirt with them, but they’re really bad pick up lines?

↳ “Hey baby, are you noose? Cause I wanna wear you around my neck.”

↳ Dark humour. Definitely his thing. Makes many, many suicidal jokes. You know the abortion version of “Road Work Ahead?”? Yeah, that’s him.

↳ You have so many damn nicknames, and it’s rare you’ll the same one twice in the same day. Jeff once joked he’d forgotten your name and instead called stupid shit to cover it up.

↳ BEN punched him in the gut.

↳ I just thought of this while cleaning my room, but If you take your phone with you to bathroom, he’s using that as a way to come into the bathroom and talk with you.

↳ BEN would sit on the floor next to you, maybe his face is resting on your thigh, or he’s got his arms wrapped around you, while you do whatever.

↳ Definitely a cuddles. So if his significant other isn’t the biggest fan of touch, he’d be a little sad he can’t touch you whenever.

↳ I can 100% image him just sitting, shaking with energy, and you come up and ask him for a hug, and he just practically explodes.

↳ He needs to put his energy somewhere so why not on you?

↳ BEN would adore you if you were shorter than him. Constantly hugging you from behind, leaning on you, comparing hand sizes, standing on tall thing to be even taller then you than laughing at you calling you short.

↳ But if you’re taller than him, he’s so fucking petty. 😭

↳ He constantly be jumping on you, glaring up at you, stand on things, then laugh at you and call you short.

↳ But no matter your height, he’d ask you about how the weather is doing.

↳ “How’s the weather down there?”

↳ “How’s the weather up there?”

↳ Don’t worry though, no matter your height, you can still shove him ☺️

↳ He’s so short either way, like think between 4’10 and 5’4. As much as BEN hates his height, he uses this to his advantage.

↳ “Hey! 🥺 I’m SO small and tiny, you shouldn’t pick on me. 👉👈I’m just so little, no girls like me, so if you’re gonna leave me, just go then.😔”

↳ He’d also be that cringy but funny guy on TikTok who makes those Omegaverse jokes in videos and comments.

↳ “Baby, I am your alpha! You are my Omega! You will submit to me. Because im the Daddy. 😈”

↳ I reckon he’d enjoy the game Sally Face, so while he’s doing a play through, he’d get you to do silly voices for the characters with him.

↳ BEN would love to do Larry’s voice, while you’d be Sal or Todd. He’s Ash cause he wants to be the hot character.

↳ He doesn’t really get angry, at least not with you. He’d just get sulky, and petty. So if you have a short temper, you’d both supple Dazai and Chuuya energy.

↳ Take a guess who is who :DD

↳ Might be a little inaccurate, cause I’m only up to episode 4 of the first season… 😓 Everything else I’ve seen is TikTok and fanfics 🤠

↳ Honestly, the way you to even met would be odd. So I reckon Sally would have been an influence. Whether you’re an innocent civilian or a murderer 👀

↳ Sally’s a ghost, right? And she hangs out with kids, right? Well, maybe you were babysitting a random kid or a younger sibling, and you had taken them to the park. By chance, Sally and insert child you’re looking after, become friends at park.

↳ It’s basically universally known Sally and BEN are the sibling figures if Creepypasta, so either BEN is there or he listens to Sally talk about you two constantly.

↳ Eventually, you two meet and blah blah blah, DATING. 😈

↳ At night, when it’s time to sleep, whether he does or doesn’t, he NEEDS to be touching you. He’ll whine otherwise.

↳ He would cry if you pushed his leg off of you. He’d wake you up and ask if you even love him anymore? 💔

↳ Just slap him upside the head and tell him to go to sleep. Bro would just sit there for five minutes and be hella confused.

↳ If you happen to be a guy, anytime you two would kiss, he would tell you that’s gay. Knowing him, he’d probably still do this if you’re a girl. 💀

↳ BENs so silly ☺️

↳ Oh my god, if your not giving him attention, he’d lick your face to get it. 💀

↳ Basically, BENs a brat, he’d love you either way, finds it fun to tease you! 🤠

thank you!! ♡

[urfavoritedcwhore]

the Russian boy//part three

warnings: swearing, alcohol use

not proof read!

lowercase intended

part one and two on my page.

part three: the pool

i let go of boris's hand and watch as he jumps in the deepest end of the pool. i make my way over to the steps leading into the pool, and go down them, making sure to stay in the shallow end. i definitely do not want to drown with two boys i only met today. and wow this water is cold as fuck. my nips are positivity hard as diamonds right now. boris swims over to me and picks me up, "let's go i told you i wouldn't let you drown.", he says carrying my to the deep end, which isn't deep for boris at all considering how tall he is. i hold on to his shoulders as he holds on right below my ass to keep me balanced on him. "no funny business, those hands better not move up.", i say giving him a half joking, half serious smile. "i wouldn't dream of it new girl", he looks at me with a grin and pulls me closer, "i'm a gentleman, remember?", he whispers in my ear. THIS FUCKING KID. woah, calm down lucy, calm down. ok he knows exactly what he's doing, so it's time for me to play his game back. "oh i can promise you, you'll definitely be dreaming of it.", i whisper in his ear, leaving his red as a tomato and at a loss for words. i guess he's not used to girls matching his energy. lucky for him, he's met his match, and he has her in his arms right now. theo, who's floating on his back with his eyes closed, begins talking to boris. "can i stay here tonight?", he slurs, "im too drunk to walk home.". boris looks and him and lets out a chuckle, " you always stay here, why you ask all the sudden?", boris asks. it's very apparent to me that theo is just as drunk as i am, which is why im not surprised he says what he says next. "i dont know, maybe you wanna be aloneeee with lucy.", he says, still floating on his back and now making kissy noises.

"shut it potter.", boris says seriously, "both of you can stay if you want, i dont mind.", boris says looking at me. i mean my mom wont be home..i guess it wouldn't hurt staying. but seriously, i just met these fuckers today, maybe i'll tease boris a little but im no slut. i'm not gonna let anything happen yet. also, it's a good thing theo notices this sexual tension too right? i mean at least im not imagining things. "i can stay," i look at boris, "there's not gonna be any," i let out exaggerated kissy noises, "tonight. im just staying cause im having fun and going home this drunk seems not very fun.", i say half truthfully. i mean maybe if i stay i can keep actually talking and bonding with boris. i want to get to know him, i don't want to rush anything. "sure new girl.", boris says nodding. theo pops up and swims towards us, "can you seriously not swim?", he says nodding towards me. i look back at him, "not at all. honestly this is scaring the shit outta me, but i'm too drunk to care.", i say which makes both boys laugh. that's the genuine truth, swimming would usually be a no go, but for some strange reason i trust these boys to not let anything happen to me. it's weird how you can meet people you instantly trust and click with. i truly hope they feel the same way about me.

my thoughts are interrupted by a small bark and scratch on the patio door. i look over to see popchyk scratching the door from inside. "fuck. we can't leave him like this, he's sad. he wants his ..how do you say? ah daddy, yes he wants his daddy. i'm coming popchyk!", boris says pointing to the dog. this fucking man did not just call himself daddy. holding back tonight is gonna be harder then expected, especially considering that fact i haven't gotten any action in months. boris carries me back to the shallow end and puts me down as he runs inside, soaking wet, and picks up popchyk. i look at theo, "are you as fucked up as i am right now?" i say probably slurring. he grabs me by my shoulders, "my friend, i'm so drunk i can barely see.", he says slurring. we both burst out in laughter and sway around holding on to eachother trying not to fall. we eventually get our footing and catch our breath..until we look at eachother again, which results in another round of hysterical laughter. this kid is so fucking funny. there's just something about him that i absolutely love. "you know lucy,", he says as we catch our breath once again, "you are like my number two best friend, you just like are cool you know?", he says pointing at me with wide eyes and slurring every word. ok this kid is plastered and i'm loving drunk theo. "RIGHT? we're like platonic soulmates theooo, we just like,", i motion to my head with my finger then to his head, "we just get eachother my dude.", i say wrapping my arm around his shoulder. ah yes, there's no friendship realer than confessing your drunken platonic love for someone you met less than 24 hours ago. we laugh again then stumble out of the pool and make our way inside. i walk into the kitchen and get myself a glass of tap water, which i immediately chug. fuck i didn't realize how thirsty i was. i go into the living room to see theo laying on the floor (absolutely and positively passed out on top of my clothes), and boris on the couch, now in boxers and a tshirt 2 sizes too big, holding popchyk and watching some movies that i think is in russian. "ah fuck he got my clothes wet.", i say nudging theo lightly with my foot. "he won't wake up, once potters sleeps, he won't wake till it is morning.", boris says with an amused expression on his face. "well shit, i'll probably just go stay at my house since i'll have to go over there to get dry clothes anyway.", i say walking to the door. boris gets up and walks in front of me, "new girl,", he looks me up and down, " you're in your bra and underwear. don't walk to your house right now, your drunk and will get cold.", he says looking at me like i'm crazy. what's the big deal? i mean i'll admit, i did forget i'm literally in my undergarments, but my house is a 10 second walk, and i was just outside and not cold at all until i hopped in the pool. it’s not like the air is cold, we’re in las Vegas for fucks sake. "i'm fine boris, i'll be okay.", i say smiling a drunken smile, but he doesn't move. "ha! is okay, i will just give you my clothes to sleep in, eh? i have extra things, come.", he says taking my hand and leading me upstairs. since he's already taking me to get clothes i don't bother arguing, i gotta say though, i'm a little excited to wear his clothes. I KNOW I KNOW ITS WEIRD OK? but come onnnnn, who wouldn't wanna wear a sexy man's clothes. you would do it too, don't lie. we walk into his room and he pulls out a huge sweater and a pair of boxers from his dresser. "here, my favorite sweater, is very comfortable. i sleep in all the time.", he says handing them  over to me. "thank you.", i say taking the clothes. "is no problem, i don't want you to go home, am having fun with you new girl.", he says with a slight smile. "i go downstairs, come down and watch movie with me when your dressed, yes?", he says going out the bedroom door and closing it behind him. i throw on the sweater and squeeze into the small boxers. the sweater is big and comfy, but the boxers are nowhere near my size. they're definitely tight, but not too uncomfortable.

i hang up my wet bra and underwear on the shower rod of the bathroom in his room and head down stairs. when i'm back in the living room boris pats the side of the small sofa that's open. i walk over, and plop on the couch. boris changed the channel while i was gone o suppose, cause now instead of the russian movie that was on earlier, there's a shitty cable cowboy movie on. no complaints though, i love shitty cable movies. i begin to watch, and boris tosses his blanket over, so it can drape around both of us. i look over to theo, who's still sound asleep on the floor, now with a fresh towel over him, which i assume boris put there as a substitute for a blanket. i guess me and boris are sleeping on the couch and sharing a blanket. nothing special i suppose, but still, it makes me happy to think about sleeping so close to him. this night is going great, but it also feels like it's just started.

authors note: sorry for a semi short chapter, wrote this in like 30 minutes and it's currently 2am. chapter four out soon!

[iwillseeyouinanother-life]

Mocking Jay stream of consciousness

Howdy bitches (in a loving tone)

I want to apologize about the harsh and wrong things I said about Gale in a deleted post. I called him cold and aggressive which was out of complete ignorance because I was separating him from the context of his situation. I really am sorry. Gale is a character I do not understand well and that’s on me. It’s fun to dunk on characters you don’t like but not when it’s causing harm and I was causing harm and I do apologize for that. I didn’t want to talk about the books I’m reading without holding myself to better standards and addressing that first.

Now then— onto the fried eggs for brains thoughts about mockingjay (I’m in chapter 9)

- I cannot remember their username but someone brought of the fact that Gale is getting groomed by Coin which hit me in the face like a baseball bat because fucking duh— it’s right in your face and it went over my head. While I was reading I was like “GALE NO— YOU ASS KISSER”— nah girl he is a victim and you missed the point.

- Coin you can rot in hell— you are grooming a literal child (I think he is like 18 but I don’t care he is a child). You are taking advantage of an 18 year old who watched his home burn to the ground. YUCK!

- fuck you snow you ugly bitch— when I catch you it’s on sight you sad sack of garbage. All I gotta do is wack those old ass knees of yours and down goes you and your fuck ass empire.

- Peeta blink twice if you need help sweetheart

- Peeta baby I am so sorry. We are gonna bring you home sweetheart.

- I am not handling peeta’s interview well :) I’m gonna need 10 business days to process.

- top 3 characters— Haymitch, Finnick, Peeta

- I liked Peeta in the movies and the first book— I really LOVED Peeta in Catching Fire— I did not want to care about him because I know how all this ends and caring hurts my feelings but Peeta wormed his way into my heart in Catching Fire.

- not haymitch threatening to staple a helmet to katniss and then eating her lunch.

- FINNICK YOU POOR BABY I AM SO SORRY. Y’all he scrambled to Katniss because he was distraught that they wouldn’t let him go to district 8. He was down so bad that even Katniss thought it was a bad idea. He is SO not okay without his wife and it makes me cry every time. It’s okay princess we will get your wife back— TRUST and believe— Annie baby we are gonna get you :’)

- Finnick coming through for Katniss after peeta’s second interview— YUUUUUUP YUUUUUUUUUHP

- one thing about Finnick is he will snap out of it to protect someone else. Finnick will come through in a pinch.

- Finnick and Katniss are the best friends ever

- mutually assured destruction to mutual understanding that they are both drowning and their is nothing that they can do for each other except drown together— Finnick and Katniss’ friendship progression from Catching Fire to Mockingjay

- BEETEE!! STILL KICKING!! IM SO GLAD YOU’RE OKAY!!

- Gale annoys me a lot throughout this book— I do not see the point to his character outside of pissing katniss off or getting her to participate when she is uncooperative.

- Coin I’m still on your ass— I hate you

- District 8 😢 I lost my marbles— I was freaking out the whole time. Snow I hope you break your foot.

- 🧍‍♀️me hoping the Haymitch father figure scenes aren’t only in the movies

- “if you knew what Finnick has been through you would know how remarkable it’s that he is still with us” OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY IM OKAY THAT DIDN’T HURT MY SOUL AT ALL 🤧

- wishing haymitch was in this book more— where are you friend

- Gale putting two and two together that Peeta is trying to keep Katniss alive still— I clapped. I cheered. Gale annoys the fuck out of me but this was the one scene I was rooting for him.

- Gale and Katniss being mad at each other off and on throughout this book is getting old. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS THAT KEEP ME SANE HOLY FUCK.

- Buttercup making it into the deal is funny— buttercup getting regulated is so fucking funny to me.

- the trauma aging Prim made me wanna throw myself to the floor and scream— it’s so unfair— relatable because girl same— but WHYYYYYYYY

- when Finnick and Annie reunify I’m gonna run through the parking lot and cheer like a crazy person. I just want them to be happy.

- so far Catchig Fire is my favorite book

- I know a lot of people like to forget that Finnick and Annie are careers from district 4 because we love them and Finnick teamed up with Katniss— I do think their stories are more powerful knowing that they are career tributes. They are a testimony to haymitch’s statement about the games— there are no winners. Only survivors.

- Finnick and Annie’s purpose in the story are more than just being allies or foils to Katniss. They are reminders that careers are also victims. D1, D2, and D4 are all under the thumb of the capital despite the food on their plates and the quality of their lives. Finnick and Annie are both deeply traumatized people who can’t function without one another. Finnick was exploited in the most unethical ways and Annie watched someone get decapitated. All of this happened before the age of 20.

- it was so easy to hate Kato and Clove because they treated THG like a fun and fair competition and it shows how well propaganda works. They became human to the audience (through Katniss’ pov) just as they were coming upon their deaths. Finnick and Annie are reminders that careers are also victims and that no matter how much pride they carry or how big their ego is— they will never sleep through the night peacefully again. There are no winners.

Sorry for the yapping 🤠

[fkinavocado]

i just reread chap 25 of DI and i just wanna say dreea this is my comfort story.attention to every detail,dysfunctional family,not a saviour lover,but a supportive lover,how support and love can save people ,such a lovely love, such a monumetal but a the same time simple but beautiful love story ,it healed me,it made me believe that someday i can have this too no matter how damaged i am and how damaged the other person is ,there is someone out there that will love me through everything , you reminded me of it and i can't thank you enough for that, but i just saw people's reaction to it recently in your blog and it truly breaks my heart cause i see so much of a person's emotions poured into it so whoever wrote al those criticism,remember that dreea wrote a very realistic story with trauma and sensitive issues ,she never said it was a fairytale,the way she's writng it ,thats how life is and when ur critisizing it you are ignoring that a lot of the emotions ,incidents,things that are happening in the story ,how the story is going could be reimaginations of the author's real life emotions,(maybe),but when your reading a realistic fiction/fanfiction you should know that nothing ends like a fairytale and when ur asking the writer to stop at somewhere when they put so much of themselves into the story ,its no longer feedback or criticism its just something very wrong.you're not only taking away a writers will to write but also invalidating the writer's heart that she poured into it thus ignoring her feeling AND also the feeling of the readers that relate to it.this might be a new perspective but a perspective nonetheless so please think hard before coming here and criticising cuz at the end of day an app like tumblr,and things like fanfiction ,writing /reading is for escapism people come here as an escape ,away from all the criticism not to drown more in it we have enough critics out there as it is let's not bring em here too how about that!

but alas could go on forever about this but im just gonna say dreea pls whater you do with DI i want you to do what you would've done initially ,what your heart wanted initially, not what others want because remember we,the ogs, loved the DI that you created from your heart not the one you will make just to satiate other's expecations of you.DI is your most lovely baby.i love you and i'll wait for you however long it takes for your heart to beat like it used to for DI again.love you soo much!!XD

i'm literally crying reading this. i finally feel like someone GETS IT. i feel whole again after reading this. i swear to god. i've had other ppl reassure me and send me love for DI and encouragement, but you worded it perfectly and i just-- i don't know how to thank you. like, i swear it healed me.

everything you wrote is 1000% correct, that's exactly how i feel about everything. y'all don't understand how much this fic means to me... and how much it's been killing me to feel like i was being told their story was wrong, invalid, irrelevant etc. even if those exact words were not used, that's what it felt like.

it was my story to tell, and people were slapping their palms over my mouth telling me to quit it with that nonsense. they didn't want that. they wanted the fairytale and i wasn't delivering!

it made me upset. but mostly, it made me so sad. this was always a story about two broken people finding eachother and healing themselves by being together. and now it felt like people were mad at me for not having them be perfect all of a sudden. "there's always something wrong, something bad is always happening to them, problems from the past haven't been solved yet and others are already being created etcetc". like-- yeah. because just because you're healing and found your soulmate (because this is what i think they are) doesn't mean life is just gonna be hunky-dory from there on out. life is still gonna throw shit at them. the real challenge now is to face obstacles together and not let them ever set them apart ever again. to prove their growth through the lessons they've learned the hard way.

i just felt like nobody was getting what i wanted to do with the story.

again, i'm generalizing because i know so many others have been there for me too, and i thank them also and have been amazing supporting me all throughout and ever since that happened. i'm not taking away from the importance of their presence here at all- please don't misunderstand me! but i'm just saying- this particular person that wrote this ask put it into words perfectly and it all just clicked within me. like it finally feels right again...?

i'm still crying. i'm so happy.

thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. i don't know who you are... but i'm forever indebted to you for reaching out and telling me this. i really needed to heart it. i can now finally finish telling their story the way i always intended to!

i truly don't know how to better express what i'm feeling. i'm so grateful to you. and to all of you who have stuck around ❤️❤️❤️❤️ it means the world to me.

i'm going to pin this post to my blog cause this is what i'm most proud of- i've got lovely, big-hearted, like-minded people here that get me, that appreciate my work and this is the reason why i'm doing this in the first place!

all my love to you ❤️

[tojikai]

Hello!I found your account just this afternoon and read Sundered ,it was honestly the first thing I've read after like 5 minutes from waking up and all I can say is wow,I'm a corpse.

And then I read every ask you've gotten about it and let myself drown in sadness 🙂

And then I just binged A permanent mark (cause I'm a masochist apparently) cause your writing just put a blade in to my heart and I needed to be pulled out so I can finally bleed out and die,instead of it turning in my heart you know.

But now that I finished reading all that...I don't know what to feel,I think I was in tears couple of times while reading these (Nanami Kento I love you,your the only friend I need),it awakened couple of different emotions in me...I normally do not like reading things with pregnancy or mom!reader but I couldn't keep myself away from it.The summary pulled me in and your writing assassinated me.You killed me again,and again and again...So I wanted to say thank you 😚😚😚😚

AAAAA this takes me back to the time i was writing pm 🥺so many memories, permanent mark was the fic that broke my ask box LMAO i didn't expect people to give it attention, and im grateful to all of you who supported and read it <33 i got a little piece for it that i still haven't finished, it's like a spin off. hopefully, I'll be able to post it one day. thank you so much for this !! i hope you're doing great~

[imahoeforsokka]

TTPD LIVE REACTION

1. Fortnight

I AM SO SAD

THIS HURTS

POST MALONE YAYAYAYAY

bro fucking cheated

WTF HAPPENED IN FLORIDA

2. TTPD

oh my god he fucking cheated

is he insane

genuinely

NO-FUCKING-BODY LMAO

CHARLIE PUTH AWW

this is so awful

i’m drowning

YOU TOLD LUCY WHAT????

SHE TOLD JACK WHAT?!!!!!????

he would not marry her i hate him

who else decodes you is insane

3. my boy only breaks his favorite toy

oh?? this is hot??

ok lana del rey relax

OH MY LORD

PUT ME BACK ON MY SHELF???

SAND CASTLES

THIS IS SO PRETYY WHAT

HE SAW FOREVER SO HE SMASHED UP.

HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.

not ken

HE TOLD ME IM BETTER OFF BUT IM NOT. OUCH OUCH

4. down bad

ooooooo pretty

cosmic love ok

I MIGHT JUST DIE IT WOULD MAKE DO DIFFERENCE

HEAVEN STRUCK

HOW DARE YOU THINK ITS ROMANTIC

FUCK YOU IF I CANT HAVE US OH MY GOD

jesus he’s gone

5. so long, london

already brutal bc it’s a track five

rip london boy

oh this is COOL

OH MY GOD HER VOICE

oh the tragedy

YOULL FIND SOMEONE

GAVE YOU ALL THAT YOUTH FOR FREE.

ILL FIND SOMEONE.

quiet resentment

not sure if he wants to be THERE

YOU SWORE YOU LOVED ME, WHERE WERE THE CLUES?

I DIED ON THE ALTER WAITING FOR THE PROOF. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

cause i loved this place for so long, london.

that was insane holy fuck

6. but daddy, i love him

wait

is this about

no way??

is this

i feel like im wrong

ok update i was wrong

oh my god this is ouch

BEDROOM EYES LIKE A REMEDY

this is strangely fearless coded?

like mature fearless

this feels like love story got punched in the face?

BITCHING AND MOANING YES

VIPERS DRESSED IN EMPATHS CLOTHING!!!!!!

this is so pretty wow

but brings lovers,,, closer

okay wait i might have been right earlier omg

TRAVIS?

WILD BOY

i’m having is baby is HILARIOUS i love her

i think that was the transition of joe to travis and i’m obsessed

7. fresh out the slammer

ok wild west

pretty baby

another summer, taking cover

he was with her in dreams OK JOLENE

for just one glimpse of his smile

swirled you into all of my poems omg

AMERICAN DREAMS

IMAGINARY RINGS

i did my time

wow.

jack is KILLING IT HOLY HELL

8. Florida!!!

im already scared from track 1

weed or little babies is crazy

is one hell of a drug

hey florence

CHEATING HUSBAND DISAPPEARED

NO ONE ASKS QUESTIONS HERE

is that a bad thing to say in a song? OH MY GOD

ok DRUMS

they have a fun mix woah

ok we like florida cool ok

ok

cool cool cool

ok

shitstorm in texas

that’s so cool omg

9. guilty as sin?

ok hey drums

i have a love song inkling?

oh this is so pretty

mine on my upper thigh omfg

ok this is gorgeous

romantic asf

hey bible

i keep recalling things we never DID

ouch

downtown lights 😭

10. who’s afraid of little old me?

why is bro killing her geez

ok SPOOKY

what scandal

i’m so invested

we could all laugh until i cry

real

oh you SHOULD BE BITCH

ASLYUM

DRUNK ON MY OWN TEARS

oh this is CAMP

ok blank space

her VOICE god

that did not feel like 5 minutes wow

wow.

11. i can fix him

i’m so scared omfg

hello FOLK

this is so pretty wow

ok we are talking’ TEXAS

this shit is SOUTHERN

he just hadn’t met me yet

my man

wow

her VOICE

oh this is HOT

hey jack missed you

WOAH? MAYBE I CANT?

oh my god that was so

wow

12. loml

i. am. scared.

the time i was away??????? rep????

i felt i was better safe than STARRY EYED. OUCH

ONE KISS TO GETTING MARRIED

THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

A MILLION TIMES

you took me to hell too

cinephile

black and white

YOU SHIT TALKED ME UNDER THE TABLE

BRAIDS OF LIES

ILL BE NEVER LEAVE NEVER MIND

LOSS OF MY LIFE.

JESUS.

ARRON GOD DAMN YOU

13. I can do it with a broken heart

hey pool

ok mastermind

oh my god tour

this hurts

geez

BITCH SMILE

HE SAID HED LOVE ME ALL HIS LIFE

CROWD WAS CHANTING MORE

IM SO DEPRESSED I ACT LIKE ITS MY BIRTHDAY

IM OBSESSED WITH HIM BUT HE AVOIDS ME

SHE IS SO PRODUCTIVE

i love the voices in the background so much omg

i’m glad she’s proud of herself

CAUSE IM MISERABLE!

AND NOBODY EVEN KNOWS!

ok that was awesome

i laughed out loud

14. the smallest man who ever lived

i’m scared

again

oh god

Jehovah’s witness suit lmao

ha they ghosted him

oh damn.

RUSTING MY SPARKLING SUMMER

OH DAMN

the breath christ

NOT THE PUSH PENS

showed her off barely

this hurts actually

i’m scared for the bridge

oh hello bridge

WOW

A GUN UNDERNEATH OUR BED

WOW

WILL THIS ALL BE DECLASSIFIED

WOW

YOU CRASHED MY PARTY AND YOUR RENTAL CAR

NORMAL GIRLS ARE BORING BUT YOU WERE GONE BY THE MORNING

holy

actual

frick

wow

wow

wow

15. the alchemy

hey beat ok

touch down ha

ok comeback song

THESE BLOKES WARM THE BENCHES

THATS HILARIOUS

AW

hey LOVE SONG

she had her american revolution song

16. clara bow

i’m scared pt. 3927237

ok guitar

aww cute

hey taylor! pls don’t die, thanks!

DAZZLING

STEVIE NICKS

oh wow

this is stunning

demanding ‘more’

it’s hell on earth to be HEAVENLY

WOW

HEY TAYLOR SWIFT

you’ve got edge she never did

is crazy

ok that’s all bye (until 2 maybe?)

EDIT:

OKAY MAJOR UPDATE SHES INSANE

15 MORE

17. the black dog

oh my god

his location

it’s A BAR

i just don’t understand how you don’t miss me

she’s too young to know this song

do you hate me

was it hazing

six weeks of breathing clean air i miss the SMOKE

wow

wow

wow

18. imgonnagetyouback

ok skirt

you knew the price going in ohmygod

get him back olivia rodrigo??

this is so pretty

oh god the BRIDGE

ERAS FADING INTO GREY

19. The Albatross

ok hey FOLK

CROSS YOUR THOUGHTLESS HEART

oh my god this is GORGEOUS

this is so evermore???

idek

her voice wow

19. Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

this opens quick wow

just say “i loved you the way that you were” christ

jesus

this is so beautiful wow

THE GLINT IN MY EYE TRACED THE DEPTHS OF YOUR SIGH

WOW

SCARLET MAROON

this is wow

will i always wonder

20. how did it end

we herby conduct this post mortem!!!

southern accent maybe a little??

this is so pretty wow

oh my god OW

DIDNT YOU HEAR THEY CALLED IT ALL OFF

THE BRIDGE OUCH

d-y-i-n-g OK JUST STAB ME TAYLOR

wow wow wow

21. so high school

CUTE???

SMOKING YOUR JOKES ALL NIGHT

this is so 90s???!???!??!

YOU KNOW HOW TO BALL, I KNOW ARISTOTLE!!;!,!,!,$;$;

TOUCH ME WHILE YOUR BROS PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO?,?,!:!,,$,’

ok this is so cranberries

AMERICAN PIE IS SO CUTE

WOW

this is like making me giddy

ok AWWW

22. i hate it here

QUICK QUICK

AHHH

i’m there most of the year cause i HATE IT HERE

the 1830s w/o the racists and bids real

electriciTEE

obsessed

23. thanK you aMIee

okay here we go

i’m fearing for kim’s life

hometown

OH

hey bully

fucK you aMIee is so funny

kim is shaking

this is kinda country

taylor is so sweet

DAMN ANDREA

that there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you

wow

beat my spirit black and blue

wow

LMAO

AND SO I CHANGE YOUR NAME AND ANY REAL DEFINING CLUES

HA

NORTH LMAO

okay she’s bat shit crazy for that

24. i look in peoples windows

pretty

hey jack!! (found him)

down down down down

im addicted to the “if only”

GOD

one more time

25. the prophecy

oh, but it’s gone again

I GOT CURSED LIKE EVE GOT BITTEN

ok we are in our religious parallel era wow

god WOW

still dream of him

howl like a wolf at the moon

coven around a sorcerers table

NO SIGN OF SOULMATES

GREIGE

sweet lord

26. cassandra

wow wow

i have nothing else to say

just

WOW

do you believe me now?

THE CHRISTIAN CHORUS LINE

not a single word was heard

27. peter

is it something i did?

god

promises oceans deep, but never to keep

this is beautifully tragic

you said you were gonna grow up

28. the bolter

oh my god.

town car speeding!

slam of a door, then he’ll call her a WHORE!!!!

ouch

this is so different

there’s escape in escaping

then came out alive

29. robin

you have no idEA

this is so bittersweet

wilder and lighter. for you.

30. the manuscript

hey piano

i’d give you my heart if you needed it

but soon it was over

and couldn’t sleep unless it was in her mothers bed

wow

ouch

all that’s left is the manuscript

ok i’m done that’s a perfect album

[starlightwonders05]

I think I’m gonna start using tumbler to share my thoughts and progress as an artist so this will be the start of that. I’ve finally decided how to format my favorite story. I’ve been devoloping that story with my friends for two year now. And we settled on a comic format where its kinda like “everything is not as it seems” where it kinda starts off as sorta normal but i lowkey cant fully do that ofc because our story involves being in a purgatory. So I Geuss its more just like? I don’t really reveal everything at first but just set the tone that this place is kinda important? I started writing the script for the first page and surprisingly its like doing a very detailed roleplay. Honestly? Im more scared of drawing backgrounds then anything lol I’ve been tooo hyper focused on my human skill that I’ve neglected literally everything else lol.

I also am just very scared to be a content creator in general I’ve been putting it off for a very long time I wanted to start a lot younger but I wasn’t confident in my skills but now im confident in my skills im just not sure WHT to do im even confident i can still do something good with the eras where my skills are underdeveloped. I Geuss I’ve just put so much weight on trying to wait for the “right time” to do things and waiting until i get this or that or wait until thie happens. I’ve lowkey been stalling for like two years. I struggle with even taking care of myself on a daily basis so doing art on a daily basis is kinda like hard? I used to go through sketchbooks in like a month lols. But i just have less motivation i have more ideas then ever i just am tired and scared? I just Geus a part of me just deep down feels like.. what if i put myself out there and no one wants to read my story? And love my ocs? I’ve been working so hard on these things for years so what if i show it to the world and no one even cares? I would have wasted my time and just like..i wanna be an artist and i wanna be a creator that people can love i wanna be known for it and do big things because of it and i just deep down feel like its not gonna happen for me. Im not gonna get lucky. And my efforts are for nothing..

I’ve been SO inspired by things like Undertale black butler and just artist creators. I also feel like my efforts arent enough i hear stories of others posting when they are young and slowly getting recognition or just lucking out with connections and i feel like that kind of things wont happen to me. Im black and trans and I was severely neglected as a child. No one really encourged me. No one ever really believed in me. So I barely believed in myself. It took be until my mid teens to learn basic ass things. Because I was academically smart and could speak very intelligently no one believed i needed help. No one helped me. They told me that i was smart and can figure it out myself. That’s devasting to hear. When youre drowning and know that anyone else can do this. Everyone else is better than me. I may like doing art and am passionate about it but i know everyone else is better. They arent as scared. They were encourged. It sucks. Because this has been my life story and i can’t even be good at the one thing im passionate about doing. And I’ve put all my cards into art. I’ve sacrificed a lot. I’ve worked SO hard. But i feel like it’s not enough. I feel like it’s never gonna be enough. Im gonna end up one of those sad lonely people who were so passionate when they were young but gave it up cause it never worked out. And im scared of that. I WANT art to be my thing i want content creation to be my thing i really do but as the days pass it feels like im wasting my time. No ones ever gonna like my stuff. No ones ever gonna see me. No one cares. It feel so suffocating. Doing art has become a very heavy burden on my shoulders. Something that used to save me is now weighing me down. Im not good at anything else. I ahve no other choice. And im very afraid. I dont wanna will this into existence but there’s no denying my fears. They scream at me everyday. I cant help but listen? It try I’ve tried so hard to be positive to keep pushing but i jsut need to get all this off my chest. It’s hard. Im sorry this turned into something this wasn’t supposed to be but i suppose it’s good for me to let it out. No ones really listening anyways.

[cosmeticalchaosicle]

Snack that smile back goldfish!

Note : Im sorry I had to make the reference hehe

Summary : Riddle's in a terrible mood once again, and pushed away all his dormates and even his best friend. Until he happened to run into floyd. What did he do to make the tyrant so.. silly?

Warnings & etc:

This fanfic will contain swearing, angst, tickles (Also, As you like Floyd x Riddle. It can be either platonic or romantic to your view)

Now, buckle your seat belts and hang on tight!~☆

‎♡₊˚ 🦩・₊✧

The sky was sunny, rather flaming. It was only spring yet the temperature was heated. And you could say the same about riddle's attitude, he was avoidant of his fellow classmates and making rude remarks when ticked off in the slightest and everyone could portray it as : 'Oh! Just ordinary Riddle' when really.. Something wasnt right with him.

Riddle sat alone in the library, looking for peace. As his mind was drowning in horrid thoughts ; Am I Wrong? What do they think? I wanna be free . I'm sick of the rules. Am I being disobedient for this behavior? Does my sluggishness affect the others? Why do I feel so terrible!? Why can't—

"Hey Goldfishie!~☆"

Oh no , the one face he did not want to see today.. floyd usually doesn't go to the library which is why riddle was even there in the 1st place. Why was he there though? Perhaps to play games, perhaps to do something productive . . . Or was he looking for him

"I was looking for you allll over! Don'tcha know how bored I would be without you?" Floyd skipped over with enthusiasm as riddle's face already began to turn red

"Floyd. I'm NOT in the mood for this.." A deeper tone to riddle's voice came out, floyd didn't care however "Huh? Why not little goldfishie? I wanna play with you :D You've hide away from everyone like a little scared cuttlefish.. Maybe I should switch nicknames ehe!~" floyd teased happily, riddle didn't realize much that floyd payed attention to the fact he was actually hiding from people and not just out of sight. Riddle began to get angrier and angrier "Floyd. Go away. Immediately"

Then. Somehow, this was the last thing that broke riddle

"Oh? Goldfishie. Isn't today when you're supposed to help with the unbirthday?"

. . .

Riddle broke down into tears, his head down on the table. He just couldn't keep these emotions in anymore. Floyd stared confusedly at how Riddle randomly broke down sobbing furiously. He had to ask though.. "Uhm. Goldfishie? Are you okay?"

Riddle gave a harsh outleash back "DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY? DO I?! DO I?! I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CYCLE OF FUCKING BULLSHIT! I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS. IM TIRED OF HAVING NO CHOICE BUT TO APPLY IM SO. TIRED OF IT ALL!" Riddle gone quiet. As he broke down even more. . Floyd was aware this could cause blot, he didn't know what much to do than attempt to comfort the teary-eyed housewarden. "Hey uhm.. don't cry. Its gonna be okay." Floyd awkwardly patted the boy. Surprised as riddle pushed his hand away so furiously. Then.. got an idea . Usually, it helped whenever he was upset. So ofcourse he had to try.. but he was partially concerned to. Though he took the chance. And gave a warm smile to riddle. "Come here goldfishie!~ Ive gotcha okay? Don't be sad, and just relax " he pulled in riddle tightly. It wasn't as tight as when he squeezes people but similar, "YOU LITTLE !— PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!!" Floyd only giggled with glee as he proposed an idea "Hehe! I will. Just tell me when you want me to stop the fun okay?~" . "Im sorry wh— Ahahah!— LET ME GO !-" Riddle burst out into this soft , raspy laughter at the feeling of Floyd tickling him . Almost, well yeah. Enjoying it. Honestly riddle forgot what it felt like to be like this since his lack of physical attention. And He could only take it, because its not like he can get down from floyd having him scooped up into his arms while Floyd's stupidly long nails fluttered around his stomach . Soonly Floyd had stopped. But didn't put riddle down.. instead just carried riddle back to his dorm mates.. they were sitting in the cafeteria.. Cater decided to snap a picture with everyone just to see floyd carrying a flustered, giggly riddle in his arms.. "Riddle-kun! Are you okay? We haven't seen you all day!". Floyd looked at riddle "See. They aren't mad." Riddle had quickly composed himself as floyd was still poking him in the ribs and found the words to respond, "O-Oh. Don't worry about it. I'm okay now."

They resumed life as normal.. though something was odd. Riddle was walking off balance. And seemingly startled when someone's hands came in contact with him. Ah, hes alright. Because what can he say? He's always right

‐---‐-----------------------------------------------------

A/N : Thank you so much for reading!~☆ I haven't written a genuine fic in months , so I hope you liked it

[goremet-chef]

a song i was looking forward to for like a year came out and its just as good as i hoped it would be, but i realized im like? different now?

it just reminded me of the pain that was caused to me before, i used to think about him every single day. blushing, nauseous, angry, crying. it didnt matter how, it was always HIM in my head and it made me so sick. that i couldnt stop thinking about someone so disgusting because he was mine yknow? he was disgusting to me, so what does it matter?

it reminded me of how i needed to beg for any kind of attention or. ANYTHING. he wanted to use me and i was gonna let him, all he had to do was put a little work in cuz im unfortunately very easy, but unsurprisingly he did not! and im thankful honestly ive never been so?

i genuinely thought it was a scar that would haunt me forever, and it does, but i dont THINK of it daily anymore. i dont think of him, its over now. ill carry that pain, but each passing day i care less and less. i didnt think id ever find happiness, i thought till the day i died, id be burning with anger and hatred and regret, but im not

im okay, and it makes me kinda sad in some way? like i love this song, it really captures the shit i went thru well but im just.. over him now. theres no longer this need to drown my sorrow in music for hours like i did before, and i mean. why should i give someone like HIM time in my head? he fucking sucks! i hope yr doing absolutely miserably rn brian, i hope all those stupid problems you told me about when you refused to listen to any of MY problems finally collapsed in on you. i hope its all sunk, cuz yr hopeless. you dont see wrong because you relish in it, you enjoy being disgusting and you dont even have the capacity to apologize for a CRIME, let alone the pain it caused.

the last things he said to me in like . fuck? early 2022? he told me it was unhealthy to hold on to all that anger (when have you ever really cared about my health) but fuck you :] im gonna stay mad and burning, and the best part is im happy doing it. ive been doing great recently, i couldnt ask for more. you used to be everything, now you are nothing to me. and its yr own fault people dont like you. its YOU. you are fucking unbearable. imagine sucking so hard that you could literally push away someone who wouldve kissed the ground you walked on 💀

[raeygina-george]

Every third remaining ask from the game

ill just answer the whole thing in one. LONG ASS POST GUYS

💖Favourite thing to draw

WAVY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

💯Favourite piece(s)

you get a sneak peek of the art project im working on yay. the perks of putting up with my bullshit <3

some of these i like more than others but as of rn these are the pieces i show people who haven't seen my art. my makeshift portfolio, i guess

🌈Favourite colour palette(s)

i think this is obvious enough if you look at my previous answer, but pinks, oranges, purples, and blues!

🤴Favourite OC(s) to draw

oooh yikes. to DRAW???? i never draw my ocs... i really like kyrie's design but i've never drawn her outside of that so i feel like she'd be really hard to get right..... idk i mean i guess saturn????????

🎨Favourite artist(s)

i dont have a lot of these, but i like hanacue, aidairo, and milkie2's art styles (these r just what i could think of off the top of my head)

✒Favourite medium 

i like gouache cause im a whore bitch

📏Medium you’d like to work with more

gouache because im not typically a traditional artist and every time i sit down to paint i just end up suffering for like an hour before i finally accept the fact that i cannot save this little kitty from its fate of looking like a vaguely animal-shaped blob. such interactions further repel me from the world of traditional art. im taking a painting class soon though so i'll just get my act together then

💭Go-to subject matter

humans?? usually just like. smiling. not doing anything too interesting

💜Drawing staples

i don't know exactly what this means but if it's an art piece of mine, it's got pink in it

💬What you’d like to draw more of

i'd like to draw more like backgrounds and animals? there's a shit ton of stuff i wanna improve with my humans but idk i've been wanting to branch out a bit more for a while i just haven't had the time or energy to draw more than like 1 of my blorbos a month

😂 Funniest drawing

i play tee k o with my family (you) so i draw stuff for that that's silly. WAIT HANG ON

this isn't my funniest drawing but it's what i have

❓Weirdest drawing/drawing with a weird process

im doing an art telephone w my friends that i might post when we're done? i can't post it now cause that would ruin the fun but yeah

🕑Drawing(s) that took the longest

uhhhh i mean earlier in my drawing journey i took forever to draw and i really hated drawing bc i took a super long time to draw and i didn't like anything i made and no one else liked anything i made so it was just like wow i spent all that time for nothing. still glad i did it though bc that era was still an important step in my art development. anyways as for more recent pieces uhh. my piece for the yorknew auction took a while, mostly because i had 0 time or energy and it was a really involved piece

👑Favourite fictional character(s) to draw

as you will see, i really like drawing lust from fmab

👿Least favourite fictional character(s) to draw

i've found out that unfortunately drawing olivier is not very fun for me. so sad cause i really like her

👔Design process for [x] character 

oh my god guys ask me about my magical girl designs and i will go insane i will type up a whole essay. i'll talk about kyrie cause i like her a lot

here's the design! so she drowned (or rather, was drowned by someone else) at 16 after being stalked for a couple months and eventually kidnapped. not exactly the lightest story, but bc it was so traumatic her brain erased the memories, and she doesn't find out the real cause of death until much later in the story, when kye comes across a guy who lived in kyrie's town and gets the full story.

her outfit is themed after ophelia for. obvious reasons. i looked up paintings/common interpretations of ophelia and found that she was commonly depicted in a white and gold dress with reddish-brown hair half up. oh, and flowers. so i ran with that. the white streaks in her hair were actually not part of the initial plan, but when i was using the bucket tool it left blank streaks and i just thought it looked nice.

for the flowers i chose forget-me-nots because she loses her memory, and then the hands on the skirt represent her fight to stay alive (both while drowning and before) and how she reached out for help in the months leading up to her death but no one answered. she's also, in a way, reaching for her lost memories, who she used to be, etc etc. the blue thingy in the back was initially supposed to be a mermaid tail as like. a single callback to the little mermaid (and the fact that she was a really good swimmer, so it's ironic that she drowned), but i took the mermaid aspect out & added in the two eyes.

the eyes are like. the feeling of being watched. the eye at the front will always look at kyrie no matter what, and the eye in the back will look at anyone else it can find, as if pleading for help. i just noticed the bracelet? not sure why that's there. probably just for fun. anyways the ring with the star on it is from a play called 'the princess who had no name', which is about a princess with amnesia who's trying to find out who she is and where she came from.

and finally, the weapon! it's meant to be a sparkler, like the little fireworks yk? it's a callback to the very first draft of her character from like 2 years ago, back when the kyries shared the name lylie instead & i had written absolutely nothing about her character. but i was reading through the old plot/character info a while ago and i found out she apparently really liked fireworks??? that was like my only piece of info about her. i figured since she'd changed so much it was only fair i put a little something from her roots. but the sparkler can also represent how 'bright' she appears to be; people are drawn towards her, for better or worse.

📆Earliest fandom you did fanart for/first fanart

the first fandom i remember like really being hyperfixated on was.... miraculous ladybug................. BUT i didn't make any fanart for it, so instead you get the very first real piece of art i ever made on my computer :)

shoutout to me for drawing those wings by hand. i didn't know how to use the flip tool so i just spent like 4 hours trying to make them symmetrical. and now i can't even remember how to draw butterfly wings. smh

HOLY SHIT WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED. BACK WHEN YOU FIRST SHOWED ME FAIRY TAIL I DREW HAPPY A COUPLE TIMES. I DONT HAVE ANY PICS BUT THAT'S DEFINITELY EARLIER THAN THIS. oh my god and don't even get me started on my warriors phase. wow i guess i've been making fanart since forever lol

📖Sketches 

this post is already too long. no

📝Process for [x] drawing 

my general art process is idea > rough sketch > real sketch > lineart (if applicable) > coloring > rendering > SHADE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT THING > send it to my friends and say 'anything else i should add 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺' > add a little more shading > done. you can ask me for more detailed instructions, i'd be happy to give a more in-depth tutorial about something specific

✨Inspiration for [x] drawing 

uh idk i do a lot of redraws. lately i've been doing redraws + asking friends for cool poses + looking at stock images for inspiration

💚Things you like about [x] drawing

i'll go with that aubrey piece from one of the earliest questions. i like how the emotions came across in both her expression and the coloring, and how much more fluid the pose is. i think the shading & rendering is neat. overall it's a big improvement from the piece i was redrawing so im really proud of that & it's nice to see how far i've come in a relatively short amount of time

⏳Things you’d do differently with [x] drawing

using the same drawing, uhh... idk there's some stuff with the proportions that like. sometimes looks fine to me and sometimes looks off? i really just eyeball anatomy and stuff so it's not always particularly Good. i like the colors i have here but they're not the colors i was intending to use. i didn't really know how to draw the jacket and everything i did with the top just looked strange so they're not As Detailed or 'good' as they probably could be? there's parts where i got lazy and all that but all in all i really like this drawing and nothing big really jumps out at me, these are all just nitpicks

💌Some favourite feedback on art

hmmmmmmm i really like the few like. paragraph responses i've gotten. i appreciate every single comment i get but like when people rave to you about your art???? that's so nice. i can't really pick out a critique i've heard that super super helped me off of the top of my head, but there's power in knowing what you can do better next time

[lightningandfireinmybones]

oof okay listen, i felt like in order to best understand the latest chapter I should go back and re-read ch.6 as well. i'm glad i did!

now I was originally going to comment my thots on ch.7 but as you will see it all got derailed so.. this is a love letter to my bad bitch Val Vel.

(i'll be back for Aemond cause bestie that last chapter was a huge one)

i'm adding a read more although since this is an ask idk if it will work <3

Her best friend, her most assertive protector, and she had been unforgivably absent to him for years. Running away from demons that were part of her.

yeah... ouch Val babe! And it's well established that she's not feeling that way only about Grey Ghost, or her brother, or even Aemond. It's her entire family, her complete support network that she feels like she has let down by leaving (in her mind abandoning) and now that she is back (let's not forget the circumstances of her return; under preassure from Daemon and emotional distress over Rhaenyra's health, after a life threatening situation which was half inability to care about herself and half ectively putting herself in danger) she still feels like she cannot "Do the Right thing" to not hurt her loved ones, not be a nuisance, not cause them any more grief.

the other parts of her, the ones she’d let down repeatedly.

and that's the fucking worst! if she were self assured she might have been able- better eqiupped- to handle all that stress and most importantly, find healthier ways to deal with her trauma and guilt. But now her tattered self confidence is just a mean companion. She can be self assured and make decisions for herself but she will be left in the wake of things feeling like she messed up, like she made a stupid choice (she often does). it will only feed her self hatred and fuel her self destructive/ self harming tendencies.

baby Val... ilysm. and i like to remind myself that val isnt just a person who happens to do drugs. Instead, she is struggling with substance abuse. She is experiencing the symptoms of her horrible mental state.

She’s not nearly numb enough, the lure of oblivion strong, but she pushes through. 

The walls are up, she’s unfortunately sober, and she wants to escape. She wants to stop feeling like an unwanted failure.

also there's something so interesting about the way she interacts with Dalton. i think i love it because there are no expectations there from either side. she can just call him, give no explanation, not bother with niceties and small talk and just "order" him to service her in some way and he does. i think her relationship with him is in its own way the most freeing one she has atm? the most open?

there is no emotional baggage, it's clear to them both what it is, and let's not act surprised, he is also enabling her in her Sad Slay Era. the open acess to drugs, to sex, to that exact type of physical only affection that is enough to drown out everything else while simultaneously look nothing like the deeper, emotional bond and (im never beating the romantic accusations) love they shared with Aemond.

Dalton is cool, a fine mist, a spring day with a bit of heat. He is easy, a Sunday morning in, all easy confidence and cocky smiles.

Dalton is uncomplicated and looks, acts, talks, exists completely unlike Aemond. ofc she's calling him up.

[...] Each brush of his tongue, each nip of his teeth is pleasant, but not exhilarating.

bet. i love how every thing she does to dalton is somehow mirrored in a reverse order in her memories. like she does to him what was done to her. as a way to return to those moments safely while not being in the physical position to be reminded of aemond? since they were opposites maybe the way to distance herself from what she felt with him is to act like him? idk idk... there's sth too important hapenning here and im too dumb to put it into words but bestie you slayed!

The flashbacks Val has are devastating and i hate you for them!

“You don’t give me orders,” Aemond growls, slamming her back into the wall. “I am in control here, Valaena. Never forget that.”

which is ofc followed by a "show of dominance" from Val. baby girl... intrusive thoughts are H A R D to deal with.

Maybe Im talking out of my ass but!

in her past Aemond had been controlling and assertive and dominant and whichever other synonym we can use BUT it was in a way that she explicitly enjoyed. It was a known, well established thing between them and was safe for her to explore with him.

I feel like once you drop the chapter where we see precicely what happened between them it will all make sense and just click together so nicely.

because im getting the vibes (i may be way off here) that the issue was that due to their shared trauma and childhood together, and since they clearly loved each other, as well as being each other's first AND a family member on top of that AND a safe haven from everything going on in their lives AND SINCE Val was well aware of Aemond's struggles what with his father and whatnot, she -at some point- / -probably due to aemond pushing too hard- started feeling a tad unsafe by this. or even better, insecure.

let's go with Insecure actually. because i feel like at some point the balance they had established, how they were equals in their relationship kinda shifted in a way? maybe she felt like her choice was being taken away ? (especially if aemond does end up pushing about free sex and tries to explore his breeding kink). Poor Val is scared of pregnancies and also they are extremely young!

so perhaps she made herself feel guilty for not being able to cater to precicely every need aemond had, especially when it felt good to do so, when it was pleasurable for her and worked as a bonding thing for them. that and the fact that it probably was legitimately sth that she did not fully vibe with at her age, it made her feel guilty and bad for not being able to set that boundary since to an extent it probably felt like a betrayal to Aemond??

and to actually leave him? go away for years? while knowing that she loves him and wants to be with him except for something that we dont yet know having happened between them. it was an extreme choice maybe? we have yet to find out. But whatever it may be it was definitely a hard decision and definitely cost her a lot but seemed as the best choice at the time.

but now she has to deal with the hurt and damage that choice left her with and bestie she's not doing okay!

“I think I like this assertive side of you,”

and val immediately thinks of her "sin" against aemond. how in the past this assertiveness has backfired and was used by her to betray and hurt him and in her words "fuck him over"

Baby you are unwell! it's okay. take deep breaths!

[...] like no more than an errant task to check off his to-do list. He said he’d always want her, but who would want her, the way she was?  Always telling her what she wanted to hear.

yes yes.. I'm a burden. I'm a bad person. Nobody loves me. They are only lying to placate me.

OOOOOFFFFFF. hard to return from that imma tell you that much

“Is this what you want, Valaena? You want me to control everything, down to the air you’re breathing?” Aemond whispers, searching her face. “Yes,” she chokes out, the word hanging in the air between them like a curse or a vow.

no i am normal about this. my felling are quite "meh" about those lines i dont understand what you're talking about. coudn't care less if i tried honestly.

curse or vow. Quite the choice of words. Quite the contradicting meanings. it's almost like someone who say it both ways and felt strongly about both those words would have a bad time trying to rationalise it in their mind and deal with the emotional side of it.

(I HATE YOU BESTIE WHY MUST YOU BE AN AUTHOR WHO USES WORDS THAT MAKE ME F E E L T H I N G S!!!)

[...] he’d no doubt leave her after realizing she wasn’t coming back. 

Hm... are thoughts of abandonment something you deal with regularly miss?

also aemond looked hot on the stairs.. no smartsy comment. just that he looked hot. thank you for your service ma'am

Shame, a different kind than had diffused her this morning, warms her cheeks. Criston had called ahead while she’d been waiting in the car. Now her brother could be disappointed in her too. 

i am mentally well. i am again normal about this.

[...] You’re a fucking disaster, Valaena.” “You think I don’t know that?” She says indignantly. 

“You think I don’t know that?”

Dread surges through her. She can imagine it: her mother’s contrived tears, Daemon’s white knuckled grip, the disappointment on both of their faces. She can see a news headline, something about the party princess, another round of infamy for their family.

“Don’t tell them.” [...] The humiliation she brings on herself never stops. 

she needs help yes. when you're feeling this badly about yourself that you see yourself as a disaster, a sidappointment, someone who only hurts, harms, lets down, puts in danger their loved ones, when you feel like it cannot possibly get any better it can't stop (and usually one feels that way about themselves way before anyone else notices) hearing someone out of concern say it aloud, put it into words, call you out on it feels only as a confirmation of what you already knew.

yes dread, yes humiliation. now that they see her as she truly is surely they will hate her as much as she hates herself and since she is solely a burden they will let her go.

Val my most beloved! <3 <3 <3

A sunny smile on her face, Valaena ends the Facetime, throws her phone on the counter, and proceeds with her skincare routine, finally satisfied.

Finally satisfied, after taking back control. ilhsm! perfect way to end this chapter bestie, truly as always a work of art!!

bestie this is such a thorough analysis i honestly cannot being to express my gratitude that you spent this kind of time on my brain rot bc you are SHOWING OFF THAT GRAD SCHOOL MIND, thesis level work thank u

this chapter was really supposed to send valaena to rock bottom and have a series of painful realizations,,, can't fix what you don't want to admit is broken:')

and yes dalton and valaena are written that way because dalton is both enabler and symptom relief, a little bit of a stress ball where valaena can work out her feelings with no expectations

and BESTIE i cannot wait for you to read the chapters of their last interactions, i have to know your thoughts on it when we get there lmaooo

and thank you bestie, i'll be honest, the curse or vow line was one i was v proud of so i'm glad it landed right lmfao, i like this idea of the heaven/hell, only two absolutes possible for aemond and valaena, and curse (a haunting, a loss, a feeling of fear) or vow (a promise, a light, a reason to be) is what they could be to each other, in every situation

this chapter was brought to you by the soul-crushing song "the archer" by taylor swift, where we get to explore terrifying self-hatred and doubt, applied liberally to our girl valaena

valaena is not easy to satisfy, double entendre intended, so i wanted to give her at least one win this chapter lmfao

but pls thank you for this!!! these anaylsis and long comments are honestly so meaningful and motivations, they make me feel like a real author:')v v grateful, thank you bestie

SALIVATING for your thoughts on the aemond chapter omg i could read your analysis on anything