#i just want this period of my life to be over so i can like. chill and blog and journal and do all the things i usually do

[foreingersgod]

Pls do Caroline Harvey HCs

with just an eeny weeny teensy tiny bit of smut plss 🙏🏾

Headcannons . CH

pairing: caroline harvey (kk harvey) x reader

warnings: a mix of fluffy content and smut, so read at your own discretion and minors and men please do NOT interact!

this is my peace offering for being so busy and slacking on writing, full length fic coming soon!!

also not spell checked, sorry!!

SFW (barely but no smut)

i feel like she’s a pretty domestic person, i think she’d prefer quiet nights at home with you as opposed to going out and partying. i imagine her being the one to beg you to stay and do date night at home anytime you suggested getting dinner or seeing a movie.

“but babe why can’t we just stay home?! we have food and plenty of movies here!” she’d whine when you asked “i’ll even make you dinner myself! come on, i jus’ want you all to myself”

on a similar note, i also think she’s not huge on PDA and that’s why she loves staying in with you so much. it’s not that she doesn’t feel comfortable being seen with you, it’s just that she’s kind of reserved and prefers to keep her personal life as private as she can. for her sake and for yours.

which has its perks, don’t get me wrong. you almost prefer it that way, subtle little touches when you’re out with friends or something like that, her hand gently resting on your lower back or her head resting on your shoulder when she gets tired. and then you’d get home, and she wouldn’t be able to help herself anymore. she’d be all over you in an instant.

“fuck,” she pants when you finally walk into your shared apartment for the night. you had been out for your mutual friends birthday, and you unintentionally intentionally decided to wear something fairly revealing “y’know what you do to me? wearing something like that?”

and believe me…she’d make up for the lack of public affection in other ways.

i’d like to think that her love language is acts of service. like she still loves to touch you and validate you and all that lovely girlfriend stuff, but she shows her love in more ways than just words.

she’d often leave you sticky notes on the fridge when you got home later than she did, maybe leave some on your nightstand when she had to leave early in the mornings when you’re still asleep. always leaving an “xoxo C” at the bottom to tell you she’s thinking of you.

not only that, but she’d do a lot of household chores for you when you were busy with school and work, run you relaxing baths when you were sick, or even something so little as running to the supermarket to grab your favorite ice cream when you started your period.

she’d be one of those stereotypical lesbians that just absolutely worships the ground their girlfriend walks on. she never fails to bring you up in conversations and is quite willing to do anything you ask.

one night you’re winding down after a long day, watching tv and painting your nails whilst caroline sits beside you to keep you company. she’s quite honestly not paying attention to what’s playing on the screen at least, rather her eyes are glued to you. she watches the way the lavender lacquer glides across your nail, how your tongue sticks out in conversation and she’s in complete awe of how beautiful you look doing the most mundane things.

“hey caroline?” you asked with a pout.

“yeah baby?” she hums in response, pretending like she wasn’t just watching you like a hawke.

“d’you think you could help me with this hand? i keep messing up”

and she’s already perching herself on the floor in front of you, pulling you into her lap as she grabs the bottle of nail polish to finish painting them.

she’s a snorer. i’m so sure of it. although i don’t think she snores like in a heavy type of way, but instead she lets out light little grumbles here and there.

i can just picture her, face pressed into the pillow, her cheek smushed against the fabric as she sleeps peacefully. her hair is all over the place and her lips are slightly parted. and then to top it all off, as if she couldn’t be any cuter, she lets out the softest snuffs.

definitely has a scrapbook, shoved somewhere deep into her closet, that her mother gifted her. it’d be filled with several baby pictures and photos/drawings from when she was in grade school, hiding it away because she was unbelievably embarrassed for you to see them.

you remembered when her family visited you both when you had finally settled into your place together, her mom bringing the scrapbook as a housing warming gift of some sorts. caroline immediately tried to tuck it away, but you were more than stubborn and demanded that you sit down and look through it.

it’s still one of your favorite memories. laughing with her parents at all the goofy pictures from when she lost her first teeth, when she won her first hockey trophy, and when she graduated high school. you even loved reading all the poems she wrote in middle school english, loved seeing all the ‘1st place” ribbons that her mom neatly taped to the card-stock pages.

you only got to look at it twice since then, kk utterly miserable whenever it was pulled out, but you cherished those pictures more than anything.

she’s probably such a dad in the sense that she pretends to not care about the cheesy reality tv shows you’re into, but then secretly starts getting hooked on it and makes you record each episode so you can watch it together.

“what do you mean lisa called meredith a ‘garbage whore’?” she gasped, running into the living room with a bowl of popcorn in her hands “wait, wait i told you to pause it! i don’t want to miss it!!”

her favorite place to kiss you is definitely your forehead. sure, she loves kissing you everywhere, but there’s something so intimate to her about small forehead kisses.

she never fails to give you one before you both fall asleep, before you leave for work, when you’re sad and need comforting or when you’re so excited and it’s her way of expressing her support. you’d probably get her kiss mark tattooed there if you could.

she often gets overwhelmed with sports and school and family and all sorts of things. she tends to be reserved with her feelings, but you’re the only person she can genuinely open up to. sometimes she comes home from practice with this look on her face, and you can immediately tell that she’s struggling.

most times she doesn’t even want to talk about it, she just wants you to hold her, run your fingers through her hair and tell her it’s all going to be okay.

and she loves to teach you new things. wether that’s teaching you how to skate, how to cook a family dish she always ate as a kid, or how play the games she learned in elementary school, she just wants you to be involved in everything she loves.

you think you love it more than she does. you’d never get over how excited she gets when you ask if you can help her make that ‘dinner she made one time’ or if she’d tell you a funny story from when she was a rebellious teen.

like that one time you were having lunch in the park one summer, sprawled out on a handmade quit atop the freshly cut grass as you laid side by side. you picked mindlessly at the dandelions beside you as you both chatted about each others day.

“you know i used to make those when i was younger?” she spoke, motioning to the flowering weeds “flower crowns, i mean”

“really?” you smiled “no one ever taught me how, i always wished i could though”

i didn’t take long before she was picking some herself and instructing you on how to tangle them together so easily. she took it as serious as she took hockey, determined to make sure you knew how to make a perfect flower crown. it wasn’t really a big deal to you in the long run, but something so important to her was just as important to you.

NSFW (for realsies this time)

getting straight to the point, i don’t think she’s huge on the strap. don’t get me wrong, you both still use it often, but i think she much prefers eating you out or scissoring.

there’s something about the appeal of physically feeling you on her that makes her crazy, a sensation that beats using the strap any day.

she loves it when you bite her or scratch her. it’s a pleasant mix between pleasure and pain and it’s probably her favorite part of intimacy.

she likes to look in the mirror the next day, just before she gets in the shower, to admire the long red marks that stretch along her back. she often teases you about too, but if you ever stop, she’s guiding your hands to her back again.

she’s not as drawn to the marks that your bites leave as much, instead she loves the feelings. when she’s making you feel so so good, so much that you can barely hold it in anymore, that you have to bite down on her shoulder or her bicep to keep yourself grounded. it’s like an ego boost to her, a sign that she fucks you so good that you can’t even function properly.

she’s cocky in bed, i feel like she’s the type to say:

“yeah baby? feels good huh?”

“come on, speak up, i can’t hear you”

or if you’re on top…

“fuck yeah, just like that, making me feel so good baby. keep going…gonna make me come”

a sucker for praise

she loves when you tell her that she’s going a good job, that’s she’s exceeding your expectations each time. she’s a bit of a perfectionist and an over achiever that way, but hey, you’re not one to complain.

whilst she loves fancy lingerie and nice dresses, she folds for you even when you’re in sweats and one of her t shirts.

“really? right now?” you huff as her hands dance up your shirt, massaging your tits roughly. she’s kissing up your neck painfully slow and you can’t help but wonder what’s gotten her so worked up “i look like shit”

“are you kidding?” she scoffs “i’d fuck the shit out of you no matter what you’re wearing, you look so sexy even in this”

i’m a firm believer (maybe this is a self insert but idc!!) that she appreciates all body types, especially a chubbier figure. like she’s absolutely obsessed with your pudgy tummy and your thick thighs, a sucker for how plush and soft your body is. don’t even get her started on those stretch marks of yours…

you’d be lying if you said you didn’t struggle with your body image often, but you never had to be insecure for long when caroline walked into your life. she seized every opportunity to make you see what she saw in you, willing to do whatever it took to prove to you that she loved your body.

“shit, look at you” she moaned, smirking as she watched you on top of her, grinding your wet pussies together. her hands gripped feverishly at your hips, often wandering down to squeeze your thighs. her hands were all over you the entire time, letting you know that she loves every inch of you “so pretty on top of me, i’ll never get sick of lookin’ at you, got it?”

[fangirl-problems101]

“I Don’t Lose”

“Bakugo and l/n–you’re sparring partners today.”

Our favorite hothead finds himself being challenged by the most annoyingly sunshiny girl (literally) he’s ever laid eyes on

katsuki bakugo x fem!reader wc: ≈1.3k

✨🧨✨❤️✨🧨✨❤️‍🔥✨🧨✨❤️✨🧨✨❤️‍🔥✨🧨✨

The sun filtered in gently through the windows, the air so still you could see the dust peacefully wafting by--until Bakugo.

"OI, MOVE IT, DUNCE FACE!"

You sighed. 'For a moment, it was quiet.' You didn't bother opening your eyes as you heard the chair behind you scrap across the floor, opting to simply face the window next to you and bask in the glorious sunshine.

It wasn't that you disliked Bakugo, but sometimes the yelling was a bit excessive. You looked down at your fingers, twirling some of the light around them.

'Sure he's easy on the eyes, but how does someone get through life this long by just being cranky all the time??'

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Y/N?" Pink hair and a big grin pulled you from your thoughts.

You laughed, spinning some of the sunshine into a thin rubberband and braiding a small fringe of Mina's hair, "Just about how I'd go crazy without your positivity, Mina."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Y/N didn't realize was that she was constantly being watched by two ruby red eyes.

"Dude, you're lowkey stalking at this point." Denki whispered.

Bakugo snapped his gaze to the living battery, "Why don't ya shut your face instead of spewin' crap?"

Kirishima popped his head over Kaminari's shoulder, "Bakubro, he DOES have a point. Maybe you should just do the manly thing and ask her out!"

"Tch. Get yer eyes fixed, both of you."

They opened their mouths to argue when Aizawa slunk into the room and they hurried back to their seats.

"For this period, you'll be split into pairs of my choosing for sparring. Please keep damage to a minimum today." Bakugo's eyes couldn't help but flit back to you as the listings got rattled off.

'I wonder what the chances would be. She'd be too easy to beat, just throwing sparkles or someth--'

“Bakugo and l/n–you’re sparring partners today.”

Both you and Katsuki's eyes widened.

'Well crap.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Standing in front of him, you couldn't help the competitive urge starting to thrum inside your chest. 'I WANT to beat him, I want to show him I can stand my ground.'

"Don't go gettin' any big ideas, idiot."

"And why's that?" You pouted, but Bakugo saw that glint of mischief and determination in your eyes. He knew that look well, but what he didn't know was how his heart would start beating faster seeing it on you.

He scoffed, looking away with a slight pink tinge on his ears, "Because I'm only holding back enough to not cause major damage. Don't need ya crying all the way to that old lady and wasting her time."

"...so what I'm hearing is that the all-powerful and illustrious Murder God Explosion Lord-"

"That was an absolute freaking butchering of my-"

"-is scared, and holding back."

His eyes narrowed. It didn't matter how cute you were, NOW you've got his blood starting to simmer.

"Yer gonna eat those words, Twinkle Toes." He growled.

A wicked grin stretched your lips, "Oh, sweet thing, I think you don't even realize what you're up against. Because I don't lose."

And just like that, the dance began.

The room was filled with bursts of light and smoke, of yells and cries and growls. You were practically twirling around his attacks. You hadn't even begun to use your quirk, merely dodging and evading his own attacks and gleefully watching him get more and more riled up.

"STOP MOVING FOR ONE FREAKING SECOND!!"

The entire time, you never stopped smiling, and then you activated your quirk. Your abilities were practically the opposite of Tokoyami's. While he had 'revelery in the dark,' you had a friend in anything that emitted light--including Bakugo's explosions (and even Denki's electricity and Aoyama's sparkles).

You flicked your finger.

His palms quickly fizzled with smoke, the explosions instead drawing into your own hands. The flames were unpredictable, but still a light source, so it was fairly easy to manipulate. You opted for more of a fluid approach, the fire looking like a smooth stream of water circling your arms. He gritted his teeth and kept trying to land a hit, kick, spark, anything on you, but each time, it just flowed right to your growing flood of fire and light.

You fluttered your eyelashes, "Still think I'm gonna run off crying, Katsuki?~"

He stuttered to a stop, a deep red growing on his cheeks. An opening.

All the fire you had kept snatching from him now rushed at him, physically tangible and blindingly bright. It swept him up by the back of his collar, bound up his wrists, and had him pinned to the wall in a matter of seconds.

"And that," his wide-eyed stare snapped to you, "is checkmate, sweetheart." Your lips curled into the sweetest smile, blowing him a kiss and a wink.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Needless to say, the poor boy was humiliated, yet very much impressed and even more in love and in awe. He grumbled about how you hadn't sparred fair and that he had taken it easy on you, opting to walk away kicking the ground instead of arguing things further.

'How on earth does someone look so gorgeous while completely destroying me?'

He dragged his hand over his face, replaying how bright your smile was and the gleam that never left your eye, how you genuinely were having fun while he was tripping over his own feet and looking like a complete idiot in front of you and everyone else.

Yeah he intended on taking it easy on you, but you definitely started to get under his skin when he quickly realized how difficult it'd be to land any sort of hit on you. Not that he wanted to hit you, he just had a reputation to uphold. That was hardly sparring! No counters, no blocks, just avoidance and twirling and your wonderful laugh...

He shook his head. 'Knock it off. That's exactly why you were caught so off-guard.' This wouldn't do. He'd need to spar more often with you so he could figure out how to get the upper hand and not be distracted anymore.

A soft knock sounded from his door.

Bakugo grumbled under his breath and trudged over, "I already told you, hair-for-brains, just-"

But it wasn't Kirishima at the door. Instead, he was peering down at a bashful, fidgeting you.

Your hands were fiddling with the hem of your shirt, eyes peaking up at him with a nervous smile. "H-hey..."

"What, come to gloat? It was dumb luck, you overgrown nightlight." He grunted, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorway. His voice had no real sting to it though, more of a soft poke.

"I actually came to apologize... I was kinda maybe a bit of a brat-"

He raised a brow, "Maybe?"

You glared up at him, "Lemme finish before I change my mind and start a lightshow in your room whenever you try going to bed at 8-freaking-pm, old man."

"M'kay."

"As I was saying," you cleared your throat. "I'm sorry. Even though it was fun, and honestly kinda cute, seeing you so lost."

"So is this your way of confessing?" His smirk slowly grew into a grin.

A chill crept up your spine as your jaw dropped and a furious blush bloomed on your cheeks, "WAIT NO THAT'S NOT-"

"Because I accept. You're welcome."

Heat exploded in your chest, "W-wait, hang on-"

He leaned down and cupped your cheek, pressing a sweet kiss to your forehead (also trying to hide his own red face), "You're mine now, 'sweetheart.' If I were you, I'd get used to it."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is my first time writing anything on here! i haven't written in a while, so I'm pretty rusty🥲

sorry if he's a bit ooc😖 wanted a fic of Bakugo learning what it feels like to be awestruck and get beaten by someone he's head over heels for

[apeninastory]

ivan as a tragic-love character (pt.4c?) (nowhere edition)

Part 2 here. I RE-READ THIS A COUPLE OF TIMES BUT HONESTLY MY BRAIN IS SO FRIED I AM NOT SURE WHAT THIS POST CONTAINS. i may have exagerated and also forgotten something, but there is at least another post abt ivan waiting, soooo...

omg i feel like i could write a whole book abt ivan, i swear. i am finally where i wanted to be - the new song, the one that took over my brain and that i kinda want to listen to in repeat for the rest of my life.

and mind you - this is "Ivan Part 1". PART. 1. WTAF.

9] nowhere.

this is probably the moment nowhere is born. ivan's hypocris and dissonance gave birth to this - which may be why the lore of this CD tells us it was found by chance, stored in Anakt Lost and Found Center and recorded as sold by an unknown donor. that means, he probably composed, wrote and recorded nowhere back in anakt, before graduation - though i like the idea of ivan composing this after it, in the period of time he didn't see till, mizi and sua, a period where memories might have taken over his mind and made him nostalgic, restless.

[who is the unknown donor and why is it ivan himself?]

i feel like it is much more personal and raw than black sorrow, and since i am obsessed with ivan, i can't resists its call - it is now my favourite among all the alnst tracks.

the cover.

this is, like, the first step. where the tears start.

it is not our first time seeing little ivan from the slums-arc, but every time, it feels like a punch on the face. the little snaggletooth is there, he is dirty and wears worn out (lab?) clothes and his eyes are so so empty, i can barely stand looking at him without crying.

another important element: the small feet belonging to one of the kids - toes are missing. did those, dunno, froze and got removed? did adults/aliens remove them to torture the kid/make him incapable of running away/as a punishment of sort? no idea. as i said, i love the idea of ivan being born in an illegal factory for pet humans - it would fit so so well - born as a commodity from the very beginning.

like, how much more miserable do i want my baby to be? yes.

the title.

it's nowhere, but for the cover they went like "no, let's play something" and split it in now here. obvious question: why?

nowhere is undefined - it's a no-place, it means "not in or to any place; not anywhere". it might suggest ivan's lack of a sense of belonging, again, the insecurity that comes with not having a stable life - practically and emotionally.

now here is a bit more defined - here is a place, but where, exactly? and is it only a place or more a situation, a moment, a condition? probably both - like, "now i am here, doing this, being this, within this situation and that's it". the song should tell us more!

the lyrics.

and then the music starts.

In love with you When you were mine In love with you (reverse?) In love Love Love always You In love Love always

wow. just - mindblowing.

this is Ivan's solo, his own song, like hyuna's drunk & party and love & peace. the appearance of the world love is incredibly important, but i don't think it defines the theme of the whole song.

what it does is set the pov - this song is written/composed in a moment where ivan: already knows this word + thinks he knows what it means (and links it to till).

the fact that these verses sound radio-like, distant, as if ivan is listening to them instead of actively singing. it creates a gap between them and the rest of the song. it feels like he is composing the song in a moment when he already knows is love is doomed, so he rewinds back to his own origins and speaks abt himself. the song is written by a Ivan who already knows everything, so we can find traces of "future events" in verses of the song that are supposedly about the past.

these words also sound distorted - love is not sweet sounding and charming and light, like my clematis, nor it is energetic and hopeful like unknown until the end, with till wishing to know more and singing abt his resilience. no. in nowhere, love is raspy and numb and has darker hues - it is obsessive, haunting, just like how these verses resound for the entire song in the background.

they sound like a condemnation and a reminder: ivan loves, can't help but love, has no choice but to love, is condemned to love, chose actively to love. they also sound like he is drilling the word into the listener's head by repeating to it non-stop, in an obsessive cycle.

Nowhere, from beginning to end a stained history It freely chatters away That always happens to me

Key words: history, beginning to end. i already said many times, but ivan is a narrator. this is the starting point of ivan's story, ivan's realities, both the one he begins to write abt himself (or tries to) and the one from where we can glimpes at the real ivan. the lyrics might have started with "once upon a time there was a black-haired boy..." and get the same effect. he recounts a history (his own) that is real to him, that mirrors his life - but we can't totally believe him. let's keep this in mind!

we know this story ends in black, with an empty spot and blood (black soooorroooooow), but how does it start? this song has references to ivan's past and life at anakt, so it was probably written slighlty before graduation (since the CD was found in anakt warehouse and an unregistered track - how ivan recorded it is a mystery, but we know he has knowledge and priviledges other do not have). either that, or after graduation/before alien stage, and he somehow found a way to sneak the CD there.

that is probably why he writes "from beginning to end, a stained history": he remembers the beginning and is in a position where he can already predict the end of the story - stained, never pure, since the very start, as if his life was destined to be like that.

what abt the "freely chatters away" verse? i'm not sure, because how can someone's history chatter away? i think we can see it as "it freely chatters away from my mouth", like this story spills from ivan easily, like he can easily build lies for the sake of keeping this illusion, this mask he has, going. the expression apparently indicates someone speaking fluidly, in a relaxed way, but also rambling for a long time. it may suggest that, while from the outside ivan looks smooth and collected, from his point of view this is all rambling, it's the fictional-ivan he created for the sake of the society he lives in - a ivan he needs and uses and maybe resents.

"that always happens to me" reinforces the "beginning to end" part of the song - he is singing abt a common theme in his life in a dejected tone, resigned, like he knows/feels he can't do anything abt it and is okay with it. the stain is permanent and he is destined to "that".

Nowhere, rose-tinted rigid dream and hope It's stained with blood That's just how it is That always happens to me

this is where it gets super super interesting. if in the previous part ivan was warning us abt this being a story (his story and/or the story he is writing abt himself), we are now within ivan's narration.

ivan is still nowhere, but we have some coordinates: a "rigid dream and hope" dyed in rosy hues. he tells us about the existence of a dream immersed in a light, delicate color - the color of stereotypical love/affection (?), of beautiful things. also, this dream/hope is rigid, which is not very dream-like or hopeful.

contrasting images, how fitting for our living oxymoron!

a dream may be something that is commonly regarded as beautiful and ideal (a dream), but that for ivan is rigid - forced? unnatural? a dream he has to fit in in order to survive/blend in/function in the society he finds himself in, perhaps. i explained how other kids at anakt see him and how he makes himself friendlier and smilier. this may be it.

we could also make it abt romantic love. maybe ivan is trying to fit into a vision of love he can't fully embrace/mirror, so he perceives it as stiff. i hope i'm about to phrase it in the right way, but a nice example might be the contrast between mainstream and/or hetero depiction of love vs lgbt depiction of love. ivan being (canonically?) gay gives this idea even more credit - in a normal world, without aliens, surrounded by ways of loving ivan doesn't identify in, this sentence presents his discomfort abt not fitting in stereotypical love.

of course alnst!ivan doesn't have that benefit, but i think this discourse may work as some sort of parallelism: ivan can't love the way he sees other people love. take mizi and sua, for example. in ivan's eyes, they fit the "rose-tinted dream and hope", it is not "stiff" if he puts them in it, then he thinks about himself, abt how he loves (loves till) and it doesn't work anymore.

[we could associate it to till's depiction of love - the rosy hues of this dream are not to be intended as stereotypical, but as the ideal love till wants (sees in mizi) and ivan can't give - perhaps, but i'd like to focus on ivan]

"it's stained with blood", here we come to the stained history from before - stained with what? eh. ivan's life started with blood and ended with blood (his own), but also the blood of humanity, of the people he meets, also destined to a bloody end because of the world they live in. a rosy dream, a rosy hope, the blabbering wonders of a young mind end in red, in blood, and the contrast is as good as it is painful. what is the point of trying to fit in an illusion like that when he already knows what the end will be? that's why his story was stained from the beginning - the end was clear as day since ivan's first opened his eyes.

yeah. "that's just how it is", after all, from ivan's pov. he is resigned to it, so the illusion gives him no comfort, prevents him from fitting in. and again, it is something that always happens to him. what is it? not belonging. he is nowhere, in a story written by him that is stained since the beginning (his birth) to the end (his death), a story with no hope of redemption or finding better condition - a story where not even a dream can give him hope.

My sky, shaped by the world doesn't even let me stand under it I lay down and look at yesterday's daydream, all torn up

i love this part. okay.

"my sky" - the sky is something everyone has above their head. it's just there, no matter the planet. adding "my" kinda gives it something poetic abt it, as if the narrator is not reffering to the sky, but a particular something/someone that can be equated to the sky. while this is a possible interpretation

[again, the sky and the color teal resonate with each other, it is an interesting way of fitting till here, but it's not only that!]

we need to dig a bit more. how many skies did ivan see? the one in the slums - glimpses between rundown buildings -, the night sky before his auction, the fake baby blue at anakt, the red metor shower sky with till, the (fake?) one above the stage he died on. what do the have in common? all are concessions/creations given to him by others. adding "my" makes it interesting, because the sky is not something that can belong to a person, but we know ivan feels a connection with what the sky holds.

"shaped by the world" - that's why he added this. it is "his" sky in the measure which it was shaped by someone/something else. his birth, aliens, till, these are all entities that influenced the "sky" ivan claims as "his", as if to say "i can't have the whole thing because so many have taken it away from me/have limited the sky i could reach".

"doesn't even let me stand under it" - not only that, not only the slice of sky he can have is limited, his sky (this remaining slice) doesn't even accept him. how heart-breaking is this? because we know the sky isn't guilty - this is how ivan perceives himself. he feels rejected by people and by the world, as if it was saying to him that he shouldn't have been born. after all, if the sky does't let him stand under it, what place does ivan have left?

this speaks to me abt his authentic inability to belong. while i think we can say that it is not true that he is unwanted, it is not true that the world rejects him, i can sure understand why he sees himself like that - abandoned, ill threated, sold off, "unloved", used as a commodity. his view of himself, crooked as it is, is not baseles.

he can't have a physical place - so he creates his own reality.

saying "I lay down and look at yesterday's daydream, all torn up" makes me think abt little ivan, back on the ground, staring up the same way we would lay on grass and watch the clouds move.

"yesterday" - we can take it literally, so the day prior, of more figuratively, it may refer to the past. the story progresses: there was a time when ivan used to have dreams, maybe rose-tinted, maybe those same dreams he can't fit in now, and he regards them now as something from the past, from which he now distance himself

"daydream" - these were not unconscious dreams made at night, but dreams he conjured willingly, his own narrative, the story of the ivan he wanted to be all tangled in this song.

"all torn up" - like he knows better, now, than to abandon himself to them. they are all torn up, probably by the awareness that they are dreams, and that ivan can't fit in.

ivan is talking abt the attempt at dreaming he made when he was young, and abt his discovery/awareness that it doesn't work for him. let's think of the meteor shower event with till. by escaping with him, ivan tried to fit into till's dream (freedom), but failed. so he stares at this, at his "yesterday's daydreams", and replays them in his mind.

does this mean he stops dreaming? honestly, i don't think so. ivan is a hopeless romantic (not strictly related to love, but "of, characterized by, or suggestive of an idealized view of reality"), a drama queen, a narrator. part of the frustration this song suggest may be related to the fact that despite knowing it is useless, he can't help but doing it.

welcome to humanity, baby! human beings and their souls crave for art.

Fly far, far away Never, never again Come back to me Because it's easier to forget It's so typical Typical to me

although not explicitly said, it appears that here ivan is not talking to himself, seems to be referring to a "you". he doesn't have problems with mentioning himself in the lyrics (happens to me, my sky, I lay down), so it must mean something!

i am a bit torn, here, because it could still mean that he (present ivan) is speaking to little ivan. like he wants to chase away his vulnerable and inexperienced past self, so distant from the ivan he became and needs to be in order to live in relative peace until the end. "fly away from my mind, don't let me reminesh, don't let me remember, forgetting is easier, safer, as i am used to force myself to live survive in ignorance". he could also be asking him(self) to escape, at least within the dream - to go far, far away, in a safe place, so not to experience what he had.

but. in love with you, when you were mine. daydreams and hope and blood stains, a sky that doesn't want him... it feels like ivan isn't only at war with himself, but with a different stain, a different imprint, a different someone. the robotic voice is still there, in the background, like a reminder that this is not only about the ivan-self.

ivan is trying to get rid of something.

he is inviting that something to go away, or maybe chasing it away from him, to safety. imagine that something is a someone. imagine that someone is till. now take these words and make them abt till: "fly away from my mind, don't let me reminesh, don't let me remember, forgetting is easier, safer, as i am used to force myself to live survive in ignorance". what if he is telling till to go away becausse he doesn't want to hurt him with his words and behaviour anymore? what if he also doing it for himself? because if ivan doesn't think abt till, if he doesn't think abt the meteor shower, if he doesn't think about alien stage being the place where one of them will probably have to die, he can put all his efforts into his performance and win. we know he can - r3 ended with him making 90 points. till is good, but r6, absent-minded till? ivan could win. it's just that in the end, he can't.

i like both interpretation, because they both force ivan to face parts of himself he probably doesn't like or can't accept or even better, can't understand.

Wake up, wake up In my overwhelming daily life Is it for real? An existence like dust I can't stand to look at it Close my eyes And my mind

"wake up" - he is talking to himself now. as i said, i don't think adult ivan stops dreaming just because he can't abandon himself to his daydreams the way others do. the point his, waking up is like a slap in the face for him - his daily life is overwhelming: medical experimentations, lessons, alien stage awaiting him, songs to record, death, and what remains of him? "an existence like dust"

he can't stand the idea of keeping his eyes on it. he can't find refuge in the dream (so he turns off his mind), he can't find solace in reality (so he closes his eyes). are you starting to get why the song is called nowhere?

Worse and worse This painful wound I become more and more numb In the dark City lights I Can't find anyone Anyone Anyone

the "painful wound" can be a a trauma (his past, threatment at anakt, meteor shower) or simply a mix of everything - it can be his whole life, perceived as a festering wound he can't heal from, that makes him number and number to everything, both dream and reality. the darkness has lights, but no one in sight.

Nowhere, from beginning to end a stained history With that revolting tooth That always happens to me

the chorus repeats, but with a variant - "With that revolting tooth", the saggletooth we and the alien public all love.

hatred toward himself - ivan is incredibly critical of himself, but not in a neautral, objective way. he finds this detail of him "revolting", which is too strong a word and confirms that he cannot be objective when it comes to himself. baby, you are beautiful???? NOTHING is revolting abt you. what the hell.

it may be a reminder of something that happened to him in the slums, though. a trauma, a critica, tortures? i wish i knew!

Nowhere, seeped in purple rigid dream and hope It's stained with blood That's just how it is That always happens to me

his dream and hope take a different hue - purple. it is getting darker, if we think they were initially tinted in a rose-colour. it feels like his daydream is maturing, that there is a temporal shift, so while his first daydreams were rosy, growing up they became purplish. heading toward black?

That's just the kind of kid he is, so laugh Laugh, because he can't do anything No one cares about someone like him There's nowhere in the world for him to rest That's just how he is

another super interesting part. look at the change in subject: he.

i wrote abt ivan's dissonance, his splitting in two, the frustration he feels with himself. i also said he is trying to get rid of something, and it makes a lot of sense that that something is the side of himself he resents/can't understand/can't reason with.

notice how the way he sings this and the next part gets quicker, more raspy, less elegant. it feels like a punch in the face with how intense it is. ivan sounds resentful. not angry, maybe - his voice is soft, haunting, resigned for most of the song, but here? he is letting it all go. he is venting, releasing. "there is nothing to do, kid, things are bound to stay the way they were, the way they are, so just laugh and keep smiling because no one will ever care about you. don't even try, don't look for a place to be, this is how things are and no amount of dreams/efforts will change things up."

so. he is talking to himself. nowhere is a letter to his past self - little ivan, lost between the slums, his daydreams and the hope to be loved. his tone grows louder, more livelier for a moment, because he is feeling it all.

He's smooth, flexible, quite easy Just go past it like it doesn't bother you It's nothing, shake it off and stand tall Again, it's nothing, shake it off and stand tall Like nothing happened

and after talking to himself, he mentions till. i can't fit the English sentence here as something ivan tells himself/kid ivan, it is far from how he perceives himself. the sentence is also in English, so it's like he is highlighting the change in subject.

that's why he reminds himself "don't bother, don't think, ignore it all, forget that it all happened". what? the meteor shower. it comes back to that as a moment where not only till, the whole dream of ivan being able to fit in splits and falls apart - the starting point of the dissonance that will lead ivan to composing this song.

Wake up, wake up In my beautiful life Is it for real? An existence like dust I can't stand to look at it Close my eyes And my mind

the dream has collapsed, so back to reality - the reality he built for himself, where he can control things. this life is beautiful, but it is obviously a lie, because his existence is still like dust, and he still needs to keep eyes and mind closed.

the wound keeps festering - the reality he builds for himself is to have the illusion of a place to stay, but not a mind-numbing one. he knows he doesn't belong, doesn't pretend to find a place for himself, that's why the rest of the verses are the same. it's still him and he is still aware, but there is a disillusioned acceptance to his role.

Nowhere, from beginning to end A festering histerie With these cruel lips That always happens to me

this is also where the anger and loathing he feels toward himself most emerge, i think.

"festering" reminds us of the wound ivan lives with, the one that keeps hurting and keeps him numbed to the pain, but here it is linked to hysteria ("exaggerated or uncontrollable emotion or excitement"). so it really is something ivan feels he can't keep under control. perhaps, the process of putting all this darkness in a song was meant to be cathartic.

"with those cruel lips" makes me wanna scream. because even though i logically link this to ivan and to what he said abt himself in this comic, the song keeps presenting us with instances where we can link some verses to till instead - ivan has been cruel to him, from ivan's pov, but maybe, a part of ivan also blames till for cruelly ignoring him and his sorrow.

Nowhere, seeped in black rigid dream and hope It's stained with blood That's just how it is That always happens to me That always happens to me That always happens to me

"seeped in black"!!!!! darkness fell, ivan's heart is still once more, he is once again in control - resigned to his fate, or better, the fate he assigned himself.

"black" winks at black sorrow - and perhaps this is the moment ivan began to plan his willing demise.

this may also be why the cover says "now here": ivan is here, in pre-alien stage, with this song in his hands, with these memories freshly extracted from his mind, freshly recollected. he disposes of it all and goes back to the short life that remains him, the chaos in his head appeased, the confusion numbed, ready to head toward the black end.

° * °

ivan is presented with all these contrasts and complications and differences between what he would have wanted to be (his dream) and what his reality has to offer (till loving mizi, ivan loveless and unlovable, a death game with an inevitable ending).

i thought nothing hurt more than black sorrow, but this song is painfully ivan. it couldn't have gotten more personal than this, and it makes my heart ache so much.

this is the song the pictures ivan most perfectly. this is also the song ivan never wanted us, everyone, to find. the dissonance and hypocrisis in himself grew to a point that he probably needed to let it out - and what's the best way to do it for someone like ivan who seldom even feels like needing to let it all out? music. he has been studying it profoundly, knows it can be cathartic - has seen his friends, especially till, use music as a medium for emotions, both controlled and bottled up.

he composes and writes this to be abt himself - maybe abt his friends, maybe against the system -, but he does and narrates himself the way he sees himself, the ivan that he thinks he is. we know he is an unreliable narrator, and the song tells us exactly that: this is ivan, someone who can't be trusted when describing himself, so in a way, the unreliability is ivan's most accurate portrait.

he probably felt naked after recording this, so i have a strong feeling ivan himself disposed of it - that is why it was "found" in a warehouse - as the song is ivan's story, but also a cry against the system for making him like this and a love/hate letter, to till and to himself. he couldn't let anyone find it before his death, now, could he?

PART 4 coming soon?

[projectjasper]

POND NARAVIT: On his rocky start in the entertainment industry and believing in yourself even when you don't succeed

[PART. TRANS. CREDIT]

Pond: Basically, in the five years I've been in the entertainment industry, I've never talked about this anywhere. This will be the first time I talk about it, now that I got a chance to finally debut with my friends.

The reason why I want to be a dancer/artist is because that's what I've always wanted, even before entering the entertainment industry. Going back around six years ago, in 2018-2019 - that's when I started dreaming about this. But I didn't dare tell anyone, because I was afraid people would think it's funny or something like that. Like "is that even possible?", so I've never told anyone. It was my passion and I was just trying to do it by myself.

As time went by, I tried more and more. But to be an artist, you have to have training and skills, which you need to constantly perfect. At the time, my family let me earn money on my own. I went to work part-time. It was some coffee shop, it was a while ago now. I worked there every day during school break. I worked until I saved some money.

Then, in the evening, past 6 p.m. I would go to dance classes. I didn't care that I had to wake up early, because this was something I really wanted to do. I thought that one day I could succeed at this, so I went to dance classes every evening. For about two or three months, I went there every day. But it was expensive and - what's more - time-consuming. Because, with dancing skills, it's not like you can do it for a couple of days and become good. At the time, I'd been going to dance classes for two months, but it wasn't enough to go to an audition or anything like that.

So I kept practising, but I also got into university and had to study hard there. I didn't really have an opportunity to go to dance classes as much because I had to focus on studying. We were poor. But there was an audition held somewhere and I decided to try. At first, I was very excited. But I didn't even go past the first round.

It was 2019, I was a kid, and I was like "What am I doing?" At first, to be honest, I was quite disappointed and really sad, because I remember trying very, very hard, waiting for this opportunity for so long, and then it just didn't happen. But though I was sad, I wasn't upset, because I felt like I just hadn't reach my full potential yet.

Then I tried to send an audition tape somewhere. The person contacted me back. I was so happy. At the time, it was like the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Things went smoothly for a while, I almost got it, but there were certain circumstances that made it impossible to move forward at the time. They said: "Oh, the situation isn't right yet" or something like that. "Let's wait until everything is resolved, and you'll be contacted again".

I remember I was really sad about this because I thought they were just trying to be nice and comfort me. I was devastated, I was crying a lot. Because things went quite far, but then they ended up saying it couldn't happen because of the "current circumstances". And I just had to "wait until they contacted me again". I was so sad, I cried and I couldn't dance either. I basically stopped dancing for like a year. I felt really hurt.

Joong: [leans over to look at Pond]

Pond (to Joong): Don't cry, don't cry.

Pond: So there was a period when I just couldn't dance, I would think about it and I'd just get really sad. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even watch or otherwise consume anything dance-related. I just stopped completely, disappeared from the circle of friends who danced with me for a while. For almost a year. At that point I've been trying to do this for almost three years and it hadn't gone anywhere, it didn't work, so I just disappeared because i was devastated. I was so sad. Any time I thought about dancing again, I just thought about what happened. When those friends called me, I kept saying I was busy and making up other excuses.

But then something happened, exactly a year later. I got a call and they said: "Do you remember when we promised we'd contact you?" They really did, they called me back. All this time, I thought they were just trying to console me when they said that.

I was shocked. And I looked back at what I've been doing the past year and thought I shouldn't have stopped dancing. If I didn't stop, all my skills would still be there. But because I did, they started disappearing. They were gone. I had to practically start over with my dancing skills. I was also trying to sing, but that skill worsened too. As for rapping, I never practised it continuously in the first place. And oh, I was so stressed about it all. They told me: "See you in two weeks!" And I was sitting there, thinking to myself: oh no, what am I supposed to do? I can't do anything. So I was practising my dancing skills every day.

Pond: [points at Joong] You know this, you know.

Joong: Ooooh yeah! Woke up early and immediately went dancing!

Pond: I was dancing every day, I was dancing so much that my body could barely handle it anymore. I was working and studying hard at the time too. There was so much on my plate, my immune system was in bad shape. But I just felt like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I wanted to do it. I didn't know what would end up happening, but I really wanted to do my best. I was ready to practice even until I died if necessary.

And with time, things were going okay, they were getting good. I was contacted again and they said they want to meet up. They wanted me to prove my talent one more time. And in the end, it didn't happen. I was so upset at the time, but then I thought: oh, that's alright, at least I've grown up during this experience. I wasn't going to cling to those missed opportunities anymore. If I focused on regret and stopped dancing again, the skills that I worked so hard for would deteriorate once more. And that's the story!

I want to tell everyone that no matter what your dream is - I want you to have this mindset. If it doesn't work the first time or something goes wrong, don't be sad or blame yourself. Don't blame others. Don't get so discouraged that you abandon everything. Think about it carefully. It's okay, just try again. Even if that one thing didn't work out, something better will come up in the future. But just prepare yourself, because if I didn't stop for an entire year back then, I might have even gotten that opportunity in the end.

Joong: One door closes but another opens.

Pond: Exactly.

BONUS: Five years later, he has achieved what he set out to do! 🫶

[stoned-frog]

utmv x blur period tiiiiime

conflicted between making ink a student or a teacher. cuz his scattered nature would be perfect for an over ambitious art student who wants to do everything. but he would also be a good character to have as a teacher because of how he is just straight up an artist normally anyways.

error isnt a student or a teacher. he is a freelance artist that specializes in collage, yarn crafts, and pottery where he makes it to break it and put it back together. sometimes mashing two or more pieces of pottery into something new.

dream and nightmare would have been a duo at first but have a falling out before the story and they both clearly struggle with what the other excels in. like, as an example, one would excel in character design and drawing figures in general while the other excels in backgrounds and still lifes. that's just an example tho. idk what i would actually have for them yet. it would be cool to have them be teachers tho.

blue could be a teacher as well, but a student sounds interesting for him. i still need to think about what medium or style or art he would specialize in tho.

I'M SO SORRY I FORGOT TO SEND THIS OH GOD-

I think Ink being a teacher would be cool! Personality of a hyperactive art student with his head in the clouds could be a cool archetype to give a teacher, he would be that teacher that you can always go to if something happened or hide in his classroom on breaks or stay after class to do DIYs or whatever

ERROR CAREFULLY MAKING POTS AND BOWLS JUST TO SMASH THEM AND MAKE SOME OTHER DECORATION OUT OF THEM I LIVE FOR THIS

I love Dream and Night having specialties that complement each other but they don't work together anymore, my babieeesss

Blue could paint, but yk in that "SMASH THE DAMN PAINT EVERYWHERE" style, kinda chaotic but comes out as a great piece at the end

I think I'm gonna check out blue period this sounds so fucking cool

[eldritchmochi]

listen, there was a 5 month period in 2023 where basically all my nutrient intake was via nutrient drinks like ensure and coffee that was half creamer (per my nutritionist) because i had a recurring bowel obstruction issue and i was more likely to keep liquid down than anything solid. as someone who has had food issues for the bulk of my life, to the point where the "joke" was that i hated eating (it was not a joke), living off nothing but nutrient slurry was the most miserable soul sucking thing i have ever gone thru

you do not want to do it on purpose

i bounced back FAR more interested in cooking and for the first time in my life i truly appreciate and enjoy eating. i dont fuck with food that doesnt taste good because its not worth the misery

if you dont know HOW to make food taste good (because it is a science, and not widely taught), there are a ton of books. i haven't read them yet but i have several of America's test kitchen's books in my tbr, recced by someone with similar food issues and described as basically a text based mythbusters for food. they get into the nitty gritty of why things work and how their previous attempts failed. good eats with alton brown (or basically anything with alton brown) is also a fantastic resource for learning the science of flavor

another thing to keep in mind is: what are you craving? often, if you have a specific craving, or if something specific tastes REALLY good, there's something in that food your body knows you need. i get midnight cravings for eggs and toast after i work out--the eggs have protien, "good" fats, and are great vessels for salt, and buttered toast has, again, fats and salts, plus easy to process carbs, which are all very important post work out. similarly, in the winter i tend to crave fruit. oranges, which i dont normally like, are the tastiest thing ever; i tend to naturally eat more fruit in summer because its cold and wet, but in the winter its less on my mind so i dont eat as much as i should and thus, end up eating four oranges hovering over the trash at 10pm when i should be in bed

so if something doesnt taste good and you dont know how to season it, the most basic thing you can do is ask: what are you craving? and incorporate the base flavoring of that thing to what youre eating (when it makes sense, ie salting ur veg when u want potato chips, or adding cheese if you want nachos idk) or just. eat that thing instead

Taste is the most important factor in nutrition.

Because you get the most nutrients from the foods you'll actually eat.

So add cheese, oil, spices, vinegar, sauces, etc. Try them roasted or sauteed or pureed, etc.

The actual secret to eating lots of fruits and veggies and other nutrient dense foods is:

Make them taste good. That's literally it.

[sicksorrows]

dont get annoyed at me, sorry in advanced

would it be too crazy to say this about nanami? hes fictional anyway so it wouldn’t matter. but as much as I say this, yeah I do want him to fuck the living shit out of me until I pass out.

I want him to show me off so bad to the point he literally makes a pornhub page and posts the both of us fucking in every fucking position possible and doing every kinky thing possible. id let him rail me as my wrists are chained up on the bed frame and im gagged (or blindfolded) with his tie as he fucks me so well. I need him to cum inside me, continuously until I end up almost pregnant with just his cum and he has to shove his fingers back inside me to pull out everything. as much as I hate the thought of period sex I wouldn't mind trying it out just with nanami. I wish I could give him head while hes in a work meeting and he has to refrain himself from making too much noise while talking. I wish he could cheat on me and fuck another girl in front of me so I could just get mad at him. I wish I could peg him. I wish he would let people watch us fuck. I wish he could fuck into my mouth until I remember each vein and how long and thick it is, (hard and soft). same goes for his cum, I wish he would load a nut into my mouth until I remember the exact taste. I wish he would jerk off in front of me everyday so I can watch his rough large hands wrap around his cock so perfectly, as he strokes up and down faster and faster while staring into my eyes with his flushed face. I wish he would let me ride his nose every day and let me ride him every day, until he memorizes the rhythm and he fucks me in the same movement. I wish he could kidnap me and trap me in his place forever, id develop Stockholm syndrome if it meant staying with nanami. I wish he stalk me like a creepy man and take secret pictures of me, framing them all over his room and jerking off to them every night. I wish he could eat me out every night and drink up all of me, I want to disintegrate in his arms and make sure im left with my soul-less body with him and he has to keep it as a memory, caging up my remains and keeping it by his side until he dies, and we die together. I wish he could fuck me in semi public areas to the point we almost get caught. I wish he could slit my wrists and fuck the cuts. I wish he could love me to the point im all he needs. I wish he could fuck me in the small bathroom In an airplane and only telling me we have a few minutes before they call everyone back to their seats, I wish we could drink all night and get severely drunk to the point of almost getting alcohol poisoning but we still have time to fuck. I wish we could have sex in the ocean as he dunks my head towards the deep end letting all the sea animals see us, I wish he could watch me fuck myself. I wish he could fuck me with his weapon, I wish he could use ratio on me.

he could chain me up and blindfold me with his tie, but yet, thats still not enough. I need more. Ive never been a sex addict in my life and or never had sex before, so of course I sound like a loser virgin with no logic in sex but this man makes it seem so UGHHHHH. my biggest hc is that hes an experimentalist and he will try ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING no matter what. this part may be weird but I kinda want him to abuse me.. I dont even know where to let this out but I know as bad as it sounds I actually wouldn't be mind thrown across the room, pushed, slapped, punched, anything physical I wouldn't mind. I honestly would let him leave bruises on me and mark me as his any way he wants (ofc my statement wasn't a healthy option though) but still!!!!! fucking hell I feel the things I say aren't enough and im just repeating myself a bunch of times without actually thinking of anything new to say but I swear theres so much I wish to say but I can't seem to word it properly. anyway this obsession has gone way too insane if I see other people mention nanami and say that hes their man, my mood immediately changes, like this is MY MAN. MY MANNNNN MINE MINE MINE MINEEEE we are literally soulmates and everything!!!!! this is probably the second or third fictional man ive self shipped myself with because I genuinely love him so much and I dont think this obsession will go away in the next two or so years but telling people I know about this obsession is such a struggle mainly cause they think im a weird gooner or that I sound dumb so I only ever told my close friends who actually watch jjk and they dont get me at all :( sighs nanami is so adorable I want to squish him and hug him and throw him across the world until he comes crawling back to me cause GOD as im writing this im listening to music and everything reminds me of him, I can't handle this I wish to have a read man who can act like nanami and come to my life because im so close to manifesting nanami to come to me. I can't even handle this obsession enough I dont know why but I want him to be my everything I need every person in my life to be replaced with nanami. my doctor, dentist, teacher, friend, LITERALLY ANYTHING!!!!!!! ugh those fuckign biceps pleas ehe can choke me with them and id literally beg, BEG, for moreeee I need more, I need everything, and I need Nanami.

[sae-something]

I've been thinking about how my experience of parts shifted over the last year or so and I want to put it in word but there are no words. It's like there's still the 'old' crew of parts I figured out at first, the ones with names, the ones that by now feel familiar. I used to separate those parts into daily life and trauma parts, or whatever, but I'm coming to think that.. maybe all of them are daily life, in the sense that they're like the outer shell of it all.

It's like an outward shield of parts - Sae (& daily life variations), britney, pip, little sae, eva, marieke/esra (though not sure about them), the mara's, some others... They're the outside bubble. Underneath that, it's almost like tree branches that just go deeper and deeper until at the bottom of it there's just so, so many fragments.

I'm pretty close to britney most of the time and we appreciate each other, but sometimes suddenly a part shows up that really feels like britney from 5+ years ago, but it's not britney, because as it happens britney is 'with me', commenting things like "wtf that's not me, I don't do things like that anymore". So then it's just... a britney-adjacent part from further below the surface, I guess?

(I'm really making all of this up as I'm writing this post, so don't pin me down on any of this)

I think a lot of the general high school feelings are also britney-adjacent. All the 'little girls' that hold the mom stuff are eva-adjecent. All the youngest attachment pain belong to so many fragments 'below' little sae (and obviously the baby). Marieke/Esra is strongly tied to primary school (the second) and being sick, and I don't really know much about that whole time period yet so not sure about the parts situation.

I think it could actually be narrowed down even further - technically Eva is already one level 'below' the outer shell of Little sae, I guess. Vuur and the Mara's (big + little one) could 'belong' to britney.

The only one I don't know about is Pip. She's like a little island. All alone. The only one (?) that holds more positive and warm memories of our parents, though those have felt completely non-existent. At some point HT even asked where Pip was, but Pip just feels... deflated. Which I guess makes sense since we went NC with our parents.

Anyway. I'm not sure at all about any of this. I guess my main thing is that all of it has just become so much more fluent. There's too many fragments to keep track of. In therapy, A never asks who's around, she just moves with whoever shows up, whatever the vibe is, and whatever anyone wants to talk about. There's often a lot of parts shifting in and out during therapy, jumping from one place to the next. I really admire A's abilities to keep track of whatever thread/topic we're talking about because I often fall silent in the middle of it all, and then A gently nudges me back to wherever it was I got stuck.

It does help that I'm really able to stay present for almost all of it now. Sudden and intense flashbacks and the deepest attachment pain aside, I always feel I'm still there at least a little bit. I finally understand what A meant all those years as she kept telling me "it only works if you can stay with it". For the longest time that felt like she refused to talk to other parts, or that she thought there are no parts... now I realise that she just wants us to do it together.

I don't know man. I'll probably be neck deep in denial and unable to talk about any of this again soon. It just feels so much different than it did before. I think I felt a lot of pressure to know all parts or know who's who, but reality is... often I don't. I just try to be there for whatever shows up. Some fragments stick - 'the girl with the pain', 'the one with the plushie between her legs', stuff like that. I recognize those and we (as parts, but also with HT and A) make sure to remember them, hold them, go back to them. But it feels entirely impossible (and not needed? though I do feel shame about that) to name all fragments and keep track of them.

I do have a lot of fear still of 'losing parts', but A keeps reminding me that nothing can truly disappear. Everyone will remain inside me until they feel safe enough to come back. Gonna stop writing now because I'm getting antsy and anxious about all this. I don't even know why I'm sharing this, maybe someone might relate, I guess, maybe someone might read this and feel less alone.

[cherrysurf]

try again (osamu miya x f!reader)

Prologue; the end of beginning

warnings: read at ur own risk, slightly ooc but for good plot purpose

10 years and 6 months going strong with Osamu Miya. It started as a silly middle school relationship being first years growing up together, getting teased a picked on by friends, being at all his volleyball games until high school even talks about “middle school sweethearts”, “I want something like Yn and Osamu” floating around the people in school.

Life was beautiful, it was youthful, full of happiness and reasons to live for, people to die for, planning the future underneath the stars, the scent of oranges from the tree you two would lay under since your guys’ first year of high school that you had found on your walk home that now had your initials engraved in it signifying the ever lasting love you two believed you had.

“The soulmates” as you two would say, the smell of cigarettes that lingered and mixed with the oranges from the tree in high school due to the stress of finals, and the will to try something new and being cool, whatever that was for you. The giggles and soft kisses between conversations from two of you that stayed between each other and the urges to run away and start a small family, The lazily drunk make outs at parties. The rush and excitement from sneaking out just to see each other more, the family dinners you shared, the late night ramen texts, the secret sleepovers, the one time Atsumu actually caught you sleeping over. The jealousy from Atsumu because he didn’t find love quite like your guys’. Moving into college together with him helping you set up your dorm room, him sleeping and almost living in your dorm, The amazing food he made for you on your periods, or stuff he’d take you in between classes to try, The ideas he had for his own business, the thought of him proposing after college. It was all a fever dream…

“Are you seriously running away from all of this just because you think you can’t grow without me anymore?” you say screaming next to the orange tree where it was once filled with love, now with hurt, tears and pain.

“Yn, come on, we’re not fucking kids any more, I can’t keep wasting my time.” Osamu was exasperated, running his fingers through strands of hair in annoyance.

“So what, Was this was all some fucking pastime for you till you felt it was convenient to let go?” you yell, hitting his chest in a fit of rage.

“Back away from me Yn, I’m doing this for me,” He huffed, stepping back.

“Okay but what about us? You promised me,” you dropped to the grass in tears.

“That was years ago,” He crossed his arms and looked away while pausing. “I don’t have time for your pity party, Yn.”

“You’re a fucking joke Osamu,” you paused, eyes narrowing in anger, “I fucking hate you, for ruining all that we built.”

The palm of your hand met his face, his eyes widen in shock.

“I don’t understand why you can’t see that this is the only choice we fucking have! It doesn’t matter what you want, we’ll never grow if we stay together— I’LL never grow. I’ll be stuck chasing stupid dreams with you forever, I don’t want that, not any more, not ever.” Osamu spits out meaningless words, clutching onto his cheek as his heart raced in a flurry of rage.

“I hope this is worth it, I hope all this pain you're putting us through is fucking worth it. I’ll check out of this relationship as well. You’re not the only one that can turn heartless Osamu Miya,” you muttered while walking away from him, not bothering to spare him one final glance.

You left for college abroad after your second year of university in Japan. After you broke up with Osamu, you knew you needed to change your life and put as much distance between the two of you, for the sake of your mind and heart. You knew yourself, you knew that you’d fall back into whatever it was that you had with him, whether you were sober or not. For the first time, you needed to pick yourself, just how he did himself.

taglist: @sahrii @dearru @gumims @angeleilee @istann @chloiyoomi

[welcome-home-official]

1. Thoughts on the color pink? I like most shades of it! My favorite is cotton candy pink.

2. Do you have a sideblog / more than one sideblog?

I have a McLeach sideblog! I also got a secret third sideblog that I am using purely to archive artwork and videos, but I have it privated since a lot of the art on there no longer have sources to link back to, so until I can track down the artists to give proper credit, its just personal archiving.

3. Favorite animated show / series? Owl House! Despite it's major flaws, it re-ignited my passion for fantasy, art and worldbuilding. Over the Garden Wall also fits this as well!

4. Favorite animated movie? From Up on Poppy Hill. It's such an underrated gem and one of Studio Ghibli's more subdued works since it doesn't involve any magic, its comforting.

5. Your fictional crush? If you have one. -glances at a pile of fictional crushes- They are numerous. Off the top of my head? Happy Mask Salesman.

6. Are you a writer / creative? Yeah! I write and draw all the time.

7. Do you have a pet? Three dogs, two cats and a ferret! The dogs and one of the cats are technically not mine, but we all take care of each animal regardless of who adopted them first.

8. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where at? That's a really difficult one. On one hand I'd love to be where friends are, but on another, who doesn't want to visit another country? There's just so many places I really want to see. Off the top of my head, India.

9. Favorite quote?

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately... I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” — N.H. Kleinbaum

10. New year's resolution? To finally clean my room + make a proper animation, audio and all.

Which time period would you like to travel to to visit? Any time period you'd stay in?

2. If you could make your own video game, what would it be about?

3. Favorite schooltime memory?

4. If you could rename any planet, which planet and what name?

5. If you could naturally have an unnatural hair color, what would you pick?

6. Could you be trusted with superpowers?

7. Something you dislike that other people enjoy?

8. Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? What was their name?

9. Which fictional world do you think you'll be able to survive in? One that you know you wouldn't?

10. Do you have any theories about anything at all? Life, aliens, fandom, ect.

Tagging: @talisman975 @werewolf-cuddles

@sp00kies @whoopsididitdarker

Ten questions to ask a mutual

Instructions: prev asks ten questions and you answer them, then ask ten new ones and tag ten people to keep the chain going! I’ll go first

What is the weirdest thing you’ve eaten? (For me it’s the time I accidentally drank ants)

do you like purple or green more? (For me it’s a 50/50 I love them both)

what is your favorite two color color combo? (For me it’s purple and gold)

are you a cat or dog person? (Dogs 100%)

what is your favorite painting (Miranda by John William Waterhouse)

Mountains or beaches? (Mountains)

what’s your favorite dessert? (Lemon bars)

are you right or left handed? (Right but I used to be left handed)

salty or sweet? (Sweet)

summer or winter? (Winter)

I’m tagging 11 people but it’s whatever

@wra1th-k1ng

@bladevoyager

@tragedyanddust

@kindred-spirit-93

@urfavgreekmythnerd

@sickneurotic

@ry-diggity

@we-are-but-dead-stars

@thestarryfalls

@tamaruaart

@hermesmoly

[yakultii]

28 October / I think it’s gonna be okay guys !

[cent-scratchnsniff]

it was just going to be a few warmup doodles but then she infected the rest of the page like the ever eternal and spreading spores. hod!!! hod. hod :)

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[charmed-asylum]

The award for god damn my mouth drop like a cartoon cat goes to SY but u know . I know he doesn’t beat around the bush. However, was I thinking he be like this . And shit I can say from experience and studies that a lot he doing goes right with it. I mean sad thing and it’s really not just one person to pin point who could of fix this besides Thor town folks and trailer trash mom ( now idk where she grew up but hey it’s not me but cliches) that could of help. It’s sad because for her case she probably isn’t a slut while Sy is crazy he just type that knows it but tries to be all wooo man I mean I’m not crazy I’m caring but if u ever mess with me then haha u be getting a dead cat in your mail box or a stalker for life but wooooooo I’m just caring and being a human . Shit pat on the back and you good is looking out a simple box of stuff is looking out non stop poof Sy there is not helping out it’s stalking but bc this town is so small folks won’t see it. Oh he lucky that town size of a city block.

“On pay day, you go down to cash your check then give most of it right back, parsing it out for your various expenses. At the end of it, you have even less than the month before. You don't get it. Thing's only seem to get worse; not just money, but your body” honey this statement so spot on huh one a check back in the day like your time period AU money u get paid can last a month or last time now it’s like a blink poof gone and your body lord I’m only in my 20s and the issues I’m having at my age blown minds.

Sy just always there and idk why but it’s big ( lord I’m drooling and have not finish this thought) well as a whole get always with the sneak attack shit I’m barley 5 foot and I still have issues . Bc I’m too short they turn around and still don’t see me I gotta jump be like Boo. Anyway still damn “. For a big man, he sure can sneak up on you. “ also going back to my girl you got yourself a lifetime 20/20 level stalker. Hahaha way you keep doing Thor I can’t “ It isn't his fault he reminds you of that spoiled deadbeat. “ I wonder still wonder because he hasn’t been front with her which I feel it coming feel it coming . ( still gonna be shock) but on the why he gave her a reason which I’m gonna point out in a second but can “ I don't like to carry 'round debts. Let me buy you one." be one I mean it be least crazy one . And if not does he pray on pregnant women because of well a lot tumblr taught me a lot about kinks but because how easy the target she or how her emotions not there or pregnancy brain. “ You really don't get this man. You're no longer so sure that Thor sent him to check up on you, not since your last interaction. In fact, the wingman seemed more spiteful of him than you” also that he was so close to Thor which questioned his character like so he mad bc what Thor did or he use Thor for some reason. Because in small time I can’t see some friends falling out so easy bc hello who else u got .

This again makes me feel bad for her because while Sy seems nice and it your name was the fluff you don’t ask for I be all aww so cute and romantic but no nothing ever good and sweet it’s an huh my leg said in a sponge bob character voice. Like never so simple and sweet but damn how bad I felt reading this “ You glance over and find Sy watching you as he stands in the queue. His gaze makes you want to wilt.. Not even Thor looked at you like that. Don't be silly. Sy is just being a dutiful guy, helping out the town slut in her time of need. You won't be duped. Not when you can hear your name being twisted on tongues at that very moment” and fact he open ( after 1st day seeing her) mention he read books about pregnancy. It makes her wall slowly start to crack. “ He suggested before he's been reading things about pregnancy. You just can't picture him with a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting.”

HAAH I’m sure many mention this but lord can you imagine “ He returns with a black coffee and a rather colourful donut. They don't match. Bitter and sweet all at once. “ But no the way that he watches her even down to her fingers. Or what way her EYES 👀 may go. He’s watching her as if I only watching tho his pray but as if he I don’t know still in war zone, looking through his sniper or goggles, watching his enemy. But still huh I hate it the perfect crazy stalker but idk even talking to her not at her or down to her .

AND HE SO HONESTLY BLUNT like okay he playing a game of 1s and 00s and we doing tic tac toe. Still like , “ "Yes, I'd like to take care of you. And the little one, if you'll let me….. His eyes flick up to the ceiling and his cheek ticks as he gives the question genuine thought. When he looks at you again, his face is set, "because I want to." that to me feels ( because not 1st time) he thinking on how to say it like before with the honest but down play it. In away which is why I feel there more.

Called to Duty 4

Warnings: non/dubcon, pregnancy, abandonment, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Characters: Captain Syverson

Summary: You struggle to move on from the biggest mistake of your life but find it hard to forget among the whispers of a small town.

Part of the Backwoods AU

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

The bank is as ever anxiety inducing. On pay day, you go down to cash your check then give most of it right back, parsing it out for your various expenses. At the end of it, you have even less than the month before. You don't get it. Thing's only seem to get worse; not just money, but your body. Every day you wake up, you feel even more crummy than the last. 

Your hopes of a treat at the cafe are dashed. You give a longing look as you walk by and peer through the window. You can smell cinnamon and coffee. You're strict non-caffeinated, doctor's orders, but a decaf would be amazing with one of those cinnamon buns. Ugh, damn, why are you torturing yourself? 

You turn to continue down the street but barely dodge out of the way of another pedestrian. He makes sure you can't pass as he mirrors you, sidestepping to block your way. You sigh as you step back and look Sy in the face. For a big man, he sure can sneak up on you. 

"Hey," he flips up his dark sunglasses, "how're you feeling?" 

You stare up at him defiantly, not quite bold enough to glare. He hasn't done anything wrong, he's just persistent. It isn't his fault he reminds you of that spoiled deadbeat. Or that your emotions are volatile, one moment teary eyed, the next blazing hot with rage. 

"Fine, thanks for asking," you shrug, "Sy, I gotta--" 

"I owe you a cookie," he points to the cafe window at his shoulder. 

You blink. You remember the cracked shortbread. You forgot about that. The mention of the sugary treat makes your stomach growl and your mouth water. 

"No, you don't--" 

"I do," he insists, "I don't like to carry 'round debts. Let me buy you one." 

"I got it free," you say, "it's not a big deal." 

"It is to me," he counters, "I was heading in anyway." 

You stare at him. You really don't get this man. You're no longer so sure that Thor sent him to check up on you, not since your last interaction. In fact, the wingman seemed more spiteful of him than you. You look across the steeet to the pharmacy then back at him. The aromas wafting out with each swing of the door have you ravenous.  

"I can't stay long, I gotta work," you say. 

His cheeks twitch, as if he tamps back a smile before it can bloom, "after you." 

He gesture behind you to the door. You turn and lead the way. He reaches past you to open the door before you can and you enter ahead of him. The din within is lively and the air is warm from the crowd and the employees steaming out orders behind the counter. 

"Wanna find a seat?" He suggests, "you should rest." 

You open your mouth to argue but think better of it. You'd rather not stand in the clustered line. You nod and head off to claim the table by the window. There isn't much left. 

You pull out the chair and brace your back as you sit with a sigh. You glance over and find Sy watching you as he stands in the queue. His gaze makes you want to wilt, instead you turn your attention out the window. 

Not even Thor looked at you like that. Don't be silly. Sy is just being a dutiful guy, helping out the town slut in her time of need. You won't be duped. Not when you can hear your name being twisted on tongues at that very moment. 

You sit and wait, wring the strap of your small purse. You watch the street. If it wasn't for the people, Hammer Ford would be serene. 

A plate clinks in front of you and a porcelain mug as well. It isn't a cookie and you can smell the herbal tea's rosy flavour. You peer up at Sy as he gives an apologetic look. 

"Cookies are still baking so I got you a cinnamon bun," he says. 

"And tea?" You add. 

"Can't have one without the other," he says, "no coffee for you." 

"Yeah, I... I know." 

You could laugh. He suggested before he's been reading things about pregnancy. You just can't picture him with a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting.  

"Thank you," you smile as best you can. 

"Gotta get mine, be back," he excuses himself and marches back to the counter. 

You look down at the gooey iced draped spiral. You really shouldn't. Not only accept his misspent generosity but indulge in the excess sugar. Yet your hormones won't let you resist. You can at least wait until he's sitting down. 

He returns with a black coffee and a rather colourful donut. They don't match. Bitter and sweet all at once. He sits and takes off his hat and sunglasses. 

You put your purse to the edge of the table and rest your hand on your stomach, doing your best to resist the animalistic need to tear apart the dessert. His eyes follow the movement and you quickly drop your arm. You don't even think when you do it, it's just a habit. 

"You-" he begins. 

"Wh--" you find your voice at the same time. 

You both stop, hesitant. He nods and gestures to you, lifting his cup as he watches you intently. That's new too. Thor never listened much, only talked a lot. Besides, you weren't exactly together for the conversation. 

"Sy," you clear your throat and sit forward as much as you can, "why are you following me around?" 

His brows form a vee, "I'm... it's not... I'm tryna help." 

"Okay, but why?" 

His eyes flick up to the ceiling and his cheek ticks as he gives the question genuine thought. When he looks at you again, his face is set, "because I want to." 

"You want to?" 

"Yes, I'd like to take care of you. And the little one, if you'll let me." 

You can't help your snort, "we hardly know each other." 

"Isn't for lack of trying," he taps his fingers on his mug. "Aren't ya gonna try the bun?" 

"I will," you assure him. He's trying to distract you and it's close to working. The cinnamon is driving you mad. "A baby is a lot of work and... I'm not your responsibility. I know Thor is your friend." 

"Was," he interjects.  

"Sure," you accept his decisive declaration, "but that doesn't mean you have to worry about his mistakes." 

"Mistakes? I don't think so," he says. 

"Well, it's not exactly planned," you scoff, "Sy, really I don't feel right about you doing so much." 

"Wouldn't feel right not doing it," he shrugs his burly shoulders. 

“But why?” You nearly exclaim. You just want to know why he cares so much, about you? 

He leans forward, elbows on the table, “they talk about me too, ya know? Since I got back from... serving. They say I’m f—crazy, or whatever. It wasn’t easy or nothin’ over there but I’m not nuts. Not like they say. Just like you’re not some slut, forgive me for saying it out loud.” 

You look down at the table and exhale. So he hears as much as anyone else about you. At least he’s honest. At least he isn’t joining them. You purse your lips and reach for the cinnamon bun, unable to restrain yourself any longer. 

“For what it’s worth,” you raise your eyes to meet his, “I never thought you were... unwell, or whatever they say.” 

His cheeks pinch, another suppressed smile, and he tilts his head, “I’m only happy to hear you think of me.” 

[girlivealwaysbean]

i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point

[egberts]

girls wake up there's a new worm bike playlist in progress

alana said the new one is way more funky, I've noticed a lot of punk bands are piggy dippin in a funk/punk sound more than a pop/punk sound and honestly? I'm so obsessed.