#i just want gross billy and sweet loving mc

[slicznymartwy]

Billy Lenz X GN! Reader where the reader is so gentle and surprisingly patient with him? Billy would believe he doesn’t deserve their kindness and he assumes the reader is “pretending” to be nice, but they’re not pretending at all.

hmm i was kind of torn if it should be established or not .. went with not but i think i regret it !! so i might post more of this but this is mostly a rlly short first meeting blurb hehe warning: general billy lenz gross dialogue, thats it

☾⋆⁺₊ billy lenz x gn!reader

Waiting is the worst part. Billy looks outside, where the dark sky and white snow stretch on forever and ever. It's almost time, he tells himself, just a little while longer. Then, he can finally fill his grumbling stomach.

True to his own word, he lets himself sneak down the ladder after a few more minutes, taking it rung by rung to keep as quiet as possible. He gives the same treatment to the staircase, taking each step with measured precision. Billy isn't an amateur, and he's taken this route many times since he started staying in the attic.

Billy freezes in the kitchen doorway when he sees he’s not alone. He sees you sitting at the kitchen table, a partially full glass of milk in front of you. Billy wants to book it back to his attic and pretend that you were just a ghost, or that he was a ghost. You’re both ghosts, haunting each other. 

“Hi,” you say softly. Billy doesn’t answer you. He stares, standing still in the doorway. 

“Are you hungry?” you ask. Billy still keeps quiet, but his stomach doesn’t get the message; it growls lowly, long and drawn-out.

When you smile, you try to cover it with your hand. He doesn’t know why. You’re so stupid. Why would you hide a pretty smile? You don’t want him to see it? Do you hate him that much? He wants to hold your mouth open and see your teeth. They looked so white.

“I’ll make us sandwiches, okay?”

Billy watches from the doorway at first, but he moves closer to watch. He might as well see what you put in it. He won’t eat it if there’s tomatoes. He hates tomatoes. They make the bread all wet, even if he picks them out. 

You don’t use tomatoes. Just ham and cheese, mayo and mustard. His mouth waters as you cut it in half. Billy doesn’t realize how close he is until you turn and you have to look up at him.

“Thirsty?” you ask. Billy doesn’t answer. 

“Water?” You pause. “Beer?”

Billy looks into your eyes. He wants to scare you. Why aren’t you scared? You shouldn’t be making him a sandwich. You should be crying and calling the police. Billy is scary. He’s filthy Billy, he’s the Moaner.

You hold his sandwich out to him on a napkin and he snatches it out of your hands. He turns away from you when he takes his first bite, and then he can’t stop. He eats and eats until there’s nothing. He licks the crumbs off his fingers. It’s better than the pickles or the peanut butter he’s been stealing.

When he’s done, you poke your head out around him. You’re holding the other sandwich. 

“Still hungry?” you ask. He takes this one too, and destroys it similarly.

You make two more sandwiches, one for him and one for you this time, and Billy sits down at the kitchen table while he waits. Once the sandwich is front of him, along with a tall glass of water, Billy eats it slower than he did the others. He chugs the glass of water.

“You’ll make yourself sick, slow down,” you murmur, pouting. Billy gasps when he stops drinking, wiping his chin with his palm. He starts to drink again, but slower. He looks to you and you smile. 

“What’s your name?” 

Billy doesn’t answer. He takes the half you weren’t holding and eats it too. He expects you to lash out. Hit him, pull his hair, throw him out of the house. Yell at him that he’s being bad. Bad Billy. 

Instead, you get up and refill his cup with more tap water. 

“Want an apple?” you ask. Billy takes the cup of water and sips some of it. He shakes his head afterward. 

You smile without any teeth. Billy misses them.

When Billy’s done, you take his napkins and clean off his crumbs from the table before tossing it all away. 

“Want more water?” you ask. Billy shakes his head and watches you carry the cup to the sink and leave it there. 

“Do you want to see my bedroom?” you ask him quietly. 

Billy’s eyes open wider. Stupid. So stupid. Billy could ruin you. Billy could destroy you. Don’t you know what Billy is? Aren’t you afraid of the Moaner? You’re not supposed to welcome Billy in. 

Billy doesn’t answer your question, but he follows behind you up the stairs. You close the door to your room behind him, but Billy stays next to the door as you walk to your bed. 

“This is it,” you say. Billy stares at you. He’s seen your room before plenty of times, just never like this. Never with you, inside with you. 

“Come here.”  You pat the edge of the bed next to you. Billy waits to take his first step, then waits again for the next. He’s slow, but it's only because he still can't figure out your angle.

Still, he manages to sit beside you. He stares into his lap while you look at him. 

“You’re the one from the attic, aren’t you?” you whisper. 

Billy’s hands clench. He expects it now. You’ll be so scared of him. You’ll push him away, call him a freak. You’ll hit Billy until his nose bleeds, and then he’ll choke you with both hands because you made him mad. You'll deserve it because you hate Billy. 

But you don’t do anything - you just wait. Billy doesn’t know how to answer. Your teeth are so white. 

“I can hear you up there sometimes. Your foot steps. You have to be really quiet, don’t you?” you ask. He nods, because he does have to be quiet. He didn’t want to get caught, but you caught him anyways. 

Aren’t you afraid? Why are you letting him sit with you? Billy can’t understand you. Why are you being so nice?

“It’s a big house, but I can hear your phone calls too. You can be loud when you want to be.”

Billy’s heart plummets further. He grunts and rubs his eyes. With his vision obscured, it’s easier to talk. It’s like he isn’t really in the room with you. He wants to be up in the attic with his phone. He’d feel better talking to you that way. 

Instead, he only lets himself say, “I want to cum on your teeth.” His voice is quiet, whispered into the dark room. You sigh. 

“I wish you wouldn’t say that,” you murmur. 

“I’ll lick them clean,” he promises. They were really white. He catches another glimpse of them while you’re talking, pearly and shiny like the sun. 

“Do you want to take a shower? Or a bath? I could show you where the bathroom is,” you say. 

“No,” he says quickly, firmly. He hates wet hair, wet skin. Cold.

“Okay. Do you want to sleep here?” you ask him. Billy hates it. Why do you get to be so nice?

“Wanna put my cock inside your hole. Pig fuckhole,” he mutters, pressing against his eyes until his vision swims and flashes.

You sigh, and Billy blinks a few times to get back his sight before watching you twist and lay down. Your hair fans out against your pillow and, from he still sits at the edge of your bed, he imagines rubbing his cock against it. Evil, disgusting Billy. He should be put down like a dog. Bad dog, bad Billy.

“When’s the last time you slept on a real bed?” you ask him.

“Woof. Lay down, Billy,” he says quietly. He watches you and you watch him. The bed was really soft. He could curl up at the bottom of the bed and sleep at your feet like a puppy dog. He imagines rubbing his red cock against your toes. Would you hate Billy if you knew his brain? Would you still let him sleep with you in your big warm soft bed if you knew he was terrible?

He doesn’t want to find out. He crawls over your legs and lays down next to you, his head resting on the pillow beside yours. He stares up at the ceiling and tries to imagine what boxes of junk he’s underneath. 

“It’s lonely out there,” you say suddenly. Billy looks at you, and you’re also looking at the ceiling, so Billy looks back up. 

“You can sleep here tonight,” you tell him, fixing the blanket around the both of you.

Billy could easily roll over on top of you. He could bite your throat and pull out your flesh. He could chop you into pieces and then fuck whatever’s left. Instead, he stays still and watches the ceiling until he falls asleep. 

© slicznymartwy 2023, please do not repost or copy.

[unfortunate-arrow]

Drunken Confessions

Given the opportunity for unbridled vulnerability, what is one thing your MC would say to each of their friends? Maybe over firewhiskey or a pint of something good? By @drinkyoursoupbitch featuring the O’Donnell quadruplets

Bill:

Ryan– “You’re awesome. You’re a much better big brother than our dick brother Cian. You’re like a brother to me. I mean you don’t replace Conor, but you could replace Cian.” 

Cara– “You’re amazing, Billy. I guess being one of seven just makes you a great brother or at least able to put up with our bull. You’re a great role model, too.” 

Sara– “I love you, Bill. Not in a romantic way. That’s gross. Plus you love Fleur, while Barnaby’s my love. I love you the same way that I love Conor and Ryan and Cara. You’re a great brother.” 

Conor– “Thank you for everything. For putting up with me when my spells went haywire because the words got stuck. Thanks. You’re pretty cool.” 

Barnaby:

Ryan– “You’re a nice guy. I really appreciate your friendship, but if you hurt Sara, you’ll have the full wrath of Conor, Cara and me.” 

Cara– “You’re pretty cool. Plus, if Sara loves you, then you can’t be too terrible. You’re great. Your love of creatures is amazing and you’re a great dueler.” 

Sara– “I love you. You’re amazing and kind and sweet and just the best. I love you so damn much. You’re really, really handsome too. I love you. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.” 

Conor– “Thank you. For putting up with us, for loving Sara, for understanding the hell we went through. You’re important to me, to us.” 

Talbott:

Ryan– “Dude. I wish I knew you better. You seem great.”  

Cara– “You’re nice. I mean you’re so much like Conor it’s almost freaky. That’s why I broke up with you after our few dates. It was like dating my brother, and that’s not cool in any way shape or form.” 

Sara– “I wish you had let me get to really know you. I know that it was awkward after everything with you and Cara, but I wish we hadn’t let it get very awkward.” 

Conor– “You were a good roommate. I know we never really spent much time together, but you never laughed at me or insinuated that I was less intelligent.” 

Penny:

Ryan– “You’re really pretty and kind and smart and amazing. I love you so much. You know that right? You know I love you? Cause I do. I really do.” 

Cara– “I like you Penny, but if you hurt him, you deal with us.” 

Sara– “You’re one of my best friends. I’m glad that you’re with my brother. Thank you for befriending us in first year, when we were just the weird quadruplet siblings of the infamous Cian.” 

Conor– “Thanks for helping me with potions and for never teasing me about my stutter.” 

Jae:

Ryan– “Dude. You’re awesome. I had so much fun in our dorm. Just try to stay out of trouble. None of us want to see you arrested.” 

Cara– “You’re pretty fun. I agree with Ry, though. Don’t get arrested.”

Sara– “You’re very kind. Detention fifth year was very entertaining and you were able to put up with the four of us bickering. Stay out of trouble. You’re too nice to be arrested.” 

Conor– “You’ve never laughed at me when I stutter. Thanks, man.” 

Charlie:

Ryan– “Dude! You’re like a brother to me, too. You’re awesome. You’re just a goddamn well of knowledge about dragons, which, dude, is amazing!” 

Cara– “Charles, Charles, Charles. You should look beyond dragons, mate. You’re awesome though. I love you. Like a brother.” 

Sara– “You’re nice. You’re so passionate about dragons, that it’s cool. I love that about you. Your eyes just light up when you talk about them. It’s like when Barnaby talks about creatures.” 

Conor– “Man, you never once laughed at me. Thank you.” 

Tonks:

Ryan– “You’re cool. I like you. Thanks for being there for my sisters and always being just a good friend to us.” 

Cara– “You’re funny. I like you a lot. You’re such a badass as well. I think that’s really cool.”

Sara– “I love you. You’re like a sister to me. I have such a love-hate relationship with pranks, but you always yank me into wars with you, Tulip, and Cara. You’re so cool, though.” 

Conor– “Thanks for knowing that my stutter wasn’t something to laugh at.” 

Andre:

Ryan– “Dude. You’re an awesome keeper. Just lay off Conor.”

Cara– “You’re great at quidditch. You’re a very formiddable rival.” 

Sara– “Thank you for always dressing us to the T for events. Your style is pretty cool.” 

Conor– “You’re a brilliant quidditch player, but please stop hiding my clothes. I know my style isn’t up to your code, but it’s mine.” 

Chiara:

Ryan– “You’re so cool. I mean it’s also a plus because you being a werewolf pisses off Uncle Doyle.” 

Cara– “You deserve a hug. You’re really kind and it sucks that you have such a terrible life. You’re also pretty hot.” 

Sara– “You’re amazing. You’re a great friend. You’re also a great roommate. Thank you for getting me that position helping out Madam Pomfrey sixth year.” 

Conor– “You understand what it’s like to be ostracized. I mean it’s different because most people don’t know you’re a werewolf, but everyone knows I stutter.” 

Merula:

Ryan– “You’re complicated. I don’t know what to think of you. You are better than that dick Cian.” 

Cara– “You’re hot, but not my type. Plus you’re very contradictory. Also, you should apologize to Conor for mocking him in first, second, and third year.” 

Sara– “I forgive you. You still should apologize to Conor, too.” 

Conor– “You deserve to be happy despite everything.” 

Ben:

Ryan– “You’re brave, Dude. You don’t need to change yourself to fit someone else’s view. You just be who you are.” 

Cara– “You’re not perfect. You don’t have to be. Just be who you want to be, Ben. I like who you are.” 

Sara– “You’re a good friend. It doesn’t matter how brave you are. You were put into Gryffindor for a reason.” 

Conor– “You’ve never laughed at my stutter. That’s been important to me.” 

Rowan:

Ryan– “You’ve been a great friend since we first met all the back in Diagon Alley all those years ago. I love you the same way I love Sara and Cara. Just don’t hurt Cara or you’ll face our wrath.” 

Cara– “You’re gorgeous. Like really, really gorgeous. You’re really smart, too. I love you. You’re amazing.” 

Sara– “You’re my best friend. You mean as much to me as Barnaby and my siblings do. I love you so much. You deserve the world. I hope you’re happy with Cara.”

Conor– “You’re a really good friend. Thank you.” 

Ash: (male!Rowan) 

Ryan– “You’re one of my best friends. I care about you a lot. You’re like a brother to me. Dude, you’re important to me.” 

Cara– “You’re amazing. You’re a great brother and deserve someone who makes you as happy as Rowan makes me.” 

Sara– “You’re another one of my best friends. You’re much braver than you give yourself credit for. I think you deserve the world.” 

Conor– “You’ve been a great friend. Thank you.” 

Badeea:

Ryan– “You’re really nice. I don’t know you well enough to say anything else.” 

Cara– “You're an amazing artist. You should teach me some of your techniques. I love your paintings.” 

Sara– “You’re nice. I wish that I had gotten to know you better.”’

Conor– “Thank you for making me know that my intelligence isn’t limited by my stutter.” 

BONUS

Ryan:

Cara– “You’re amazing, jerk. I love you.” 

Sara– “You’re great, Ryan. I love you to death. You’re tied for my favorite brother.” 

Conor– “Thanks for always having my back, even if we do fight. Love you.” 

Cara:

Ryan– “You’re great, jerk. Thanks for making me a better chaser. I love you.” 

Sara– “You’re the greatest sister a girl could ask for. I love you so much.” 

Conor– “Thanks for always having my back. Love you.” 

Sara:

Ryan– “You’re awesome. I love singing with you. You’re one of my favorite sisters.” 

Cara– “You’re the best. You’re such a good sister. I wouldn’t ask for another sister. I love you.” 

Conor– “Thanks for always having my back. Love you.” 

Conor:

Ryan– “I’m proud of you! I love you. You’re the best brother a guy could ask for.” 

Cara– “I love you, you idiot. I wish that you would talk to us about things more, though.” 

Sara– “I love you, Conor. You’re awesome and great brother. Thanks for all the help with sports.” 

Ruth Callaghan: (who I don’t do enough with) 

Ryan– “You’re nice. How bad can you be if Conor loves you, though? However, just know that if you hurt him, you will face our wrath.” 

Cara– “Thanks for loving Conor and putting up with us and all our craziness. You’re a great sister-in-law.” 

Sara– “You brought Conor out of his shell. Thank you for loving him and putting up with us and all our baggage.” 

Conor– “Is tú mo ghrá. You are so pretty and smart and kind and supportive, mo grá. Thank you for never laughing when I stutter. Is tú mo ghrá.” 

(Is tú mo ghrá means “you are my love” and mo grá means “my love” in Irish Gaelic. Translation was found here.) 

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020: 17/01

I don’t really have an intro for this one so: REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020. Let’s get into it.

Top 10

At number-one, for the third week in a row, is “Own It” by Stormzy featuring Burna Boy and Ed Sheeran, and honestly I don’t really see a foreseeable threat to this song’s throne, but much like all songs in January, it’s a pretty weak stance and could easily fall to an unexpected climber.

Lewis Capaldi’s “Before You Go” is once again stalling at the runner-up spot.

At number-three, we have a surprise debut from an artist I didn’t think would ever peak this high in the UK, Future, who has partnered with Drake for “Life is Good”, a collaboration that is clenching the top spots on a bunch of charts, I’d imagine, mostly because of Drake. God knows how many top 10 or top 40 singles he has at this point, I’m not going to even bother counting them. Future, on the other hand, has had his highest ever charting song on the UK Singles Chart this week, and his third UK Top 40 single (His first hit in the top 10 ever). Congratulations, I suppose, but we’ll talk about the song a bit later.

Due to the sudden debut, most of the top 10 is falling this week. First of all, “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa is down a spot to number-four.

“The Box” by Roddy Ricch seems to immediately abolish that trend as it has rocketed up 11 spaces in the chart to number-five, perhaps highlighting a possible #1 candidate in the coming weeks. It’s Roddy’s first top 10 hit in the UK.

“ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas is down two spaces to number-six.

Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved” is stable at number-seven for some God forsaken reason.

The Weeknd’s “Blinding Lights” is up two spots to number-eight and with the video release, I could see this peaking even higher.

Justin Bieber’s “Yummy” falls hard off of the debut, being nearly pushed out of the top 10, losing four spaces to number-nine.

Finally, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is down four spots to #10. Sure.

Climbers

We have a rare week where there are no notable climbers at all outside of the top 10, which is emblematic of a certain period on the chart.

Fallers

In January, popular music repeats itself and the chart regurgitates the biggest hits of the year for a brief month where nothing can seemingly actually make a spin for the top spot or become a smash hit, and everything somehow collapses, and every debut goes nowhere, only to be gone by March. It should be the month where the smash hit songs appear on the charts for the first time, and it usually is, but it definitely never seems like that, as the chart is so dry and after the influx of 2019’s greatest hits, we seem to have reached a new equilibrium, so we can start waving goodbye to our fallers and drop-outs; I doubt we’ll see many of them again. “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean is down six spots to #16, “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B is down seven spaces to #24, as is “Gangsta” by Darkoo and One Acen at #26, “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott and remixed by ROSALIA and Lil Baby is down five to #30, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello is down five to #35, and finally, “Lights Up” by Harry Styles is down eight positions to #40.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There aren’t any returning entries, after all, we seldom have too many re-entries to the chart, but there is a handful of dropouts from the chart. First of all, we have the three-songs-per-artist rule coming into effect for the first notable time in a while, as since there’s a new Stormzy song, “Audacity” featuring Headie One is out from #26 and I’m going to predict it’s definitely back next week. Also out is the promising new arrival “Savage” by MIST out off of the debut at #35, non-starter, “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA from the Frozen II soundtrack, out from #37, and “Heartless” by the Weeknd, out from #38.

Before we get into the new arrivals, here are some songs in the top 75 that have a trajectory seemingly aiming for the top 40, that I’d like to see get there. Not all of these songs are good but they are all healthy predictions. We have “Good News” by the late Mac Miller at #49, “Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy at #60, “Say So” by Doja Cat at #65, “SUGAR” by BROCKHAMPTON at #66, “Eleven” by Khalid at #70, and “Roses” by Saint Jhn at #72. I’d bet money on most of these eventually making the top 40. Anyway, here’s the main attraction:

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “You should be sad” – Halsey

Produced by Greg Kurstin

It should be no surprise that I’m not the biggest fan of Halsey. Part of her alternative-pop-girl image was really pretentious and turned me off initially but once she fully embraced she was a pop singer, whilst I respect her more, I still found her lacking, arguably more so, as a singer and songwriter. This song, however, is pretty unique, and it comes from her album Manic, which I’ve yet to listen to. It’s a country song, funnily enough right next to the only other country song that made a big splash in the UK last year, “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, which is at #36. It’s not a common occurrence for country songs to appear on the UK Singles Chart, for obvious reasons, but I’ll take a Shania Twain-influenced country pop song dependent on more neo-traditional 90s pedal-steel—Listen, I know little to nothing about country, and I’m throwing all these random key terms around... I’m not necessarily the best person to speak on this, and I know that, but I guess I’ll see if I myself prefer Halsey’s ninth UK top 40 hit. For what it’s worth, the guitar line here is really sweet, but Halsey’s voice with an additional country twang and drowned in reverb, just sounds kind of gross and ugly? I guess that’s the best way to say it, and even though sometimes it works, she seems way too downbeat and subtle for a vengeful kiss-off... until the entire flow of the verse obstructs for the chorus, which is introduced by a really dodgy, awkward wave of distorted strings that just sound awful. Whatever tone, genre, style or mood this song attempts to build up is immediately broken by that, and whilst some of these lyrics are really specific and genuinely pretty good, I’m tuned out until that killer electric guitar riff comes in and steals the show... before it just goes again. It’s not like there’s build-up to the riff either, or that it’s a break from the momentum because everything just keeps happening in the background. It’s not a drop because there’s no climax or catharsis to it, it’s just a cool riff that’s... there. Yeah, this is wasted potential, and that’s not even including the questionable at best mixing and whatever the hell that bridge is. This song might actually be broken, like what happened in the mediating process, guys? Who leant on seven wrong buttons at the same time? God, what a hot mess of a song.

#28 – “Rare” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Sir Nolan and Simon Says

Selena Gomez has a new album. It’s where “Lose You to Love Me” comes from. It’s probably pretty mediocre. I do not care for Selena Gomez. She makes robot pop music. It is about as standard and droning as these sentences. This is her 16th solo UK top 40 hit, or without “the Scene” if you prefer—that clause alone gives me more character than a Selena Gomez album. Sometimes with good songwriters, she can get something decent out of her limited range and bland production, and with Madison Love as a songwriter and Charli XCX involved as the person originally handed the song, I actually have somewhat high expectations for this, and you know what? It’s promising. The lo-fi bass groove and steady funk/soul groove in the intro is pretty sweet, but then the whole 2019 pop schtick comes in, and some of the soul is lost, but it has a pretty quirky, fun string instrumental with nice, bubbly synths and seemingly randomly-placed hi-hats. Here, Gomez actually works pretty well as she stays calm until the chorus, and she doesn’t sound too bad there, even if she’s desperately filling up the meter with nonsense, because it does sound like a child’s nursery rhyme. Hence, she fits in perfectly with the petty lyrics and cute instrumental. The guitar in the post-chorus/bridge sounds really great too. Perhaps it is over-long though, as three minutes and 40 seconds does make the chorus wear off, although it really could not have been as good as a song without that bridge, as the slow sense of dread is keeping up in the pre-chorus, with that intense bass groove and what seem to be airplane crash sound effects, only to propel itself back into a really cute chorus, with kind of an 80s sound I’m just noticing. Yeah, this is pretty good, and it has Charli XCX kind of written all over it. I’d like to hear a remix if that’s fine with you, Selena. You’ve impressed me with this one.

#21 – “STILL DISAPPOINTED” – Stormzy

Produced by Mikey J

This is Stormzy’s 22nd UK Top 40 hit and Christ, there’s a lot to unpack with this one. Okay, so this is the 2019-2020 Grime War, or at least that’s what r/grime is calling it. There have been 32 rappers or MCs involved in the war so far, including Ed Sheeran, but most are just mentioned in diss tracks, or “dubs” as the grime scene calls them, without responding. Basically, JAY1, who has been on this show before, didn’t pay Dot Rotten for producing the song “Million Bucks”, which was credited to Steel Banglez (It’s actually a great beat, by the way, I’d want credit too), so Dot Rotten released three dubs, one of which was copyright-claimed by JAY1, thus in response Dot released another song called “Copyright Claim This, P***y”. Classy. Then two of the most desperate-for-attention people in the grime scene find themselves dissing each other: Dot Rotten and Wiley. Within four days, Dot Rotten releases eight dubs. There’s this whole mess with Wiley, Dot and Jaykae, but then finally, a fan asks if he will be dissing Jaykae. Wiley says, “Never, he’s with Ed and Stormzy now”. Hence, Wiley and Stormzy go back and forth for a while on Twitter, and the beef escalates, with Wiley posting a Stormzy dub called “Eeydiat Skengman”, which is just okay, but has a pretty killer beat. Stormzy responds with “DISAPPOINTED”, but the reception is lukewarm. Sure, the Brexit joke was funny, but he had mostly weak bars and he also called himself the King of Grime over a drill beat. In fact, might as well cover all the Wiley tracks: they all sound the same. The beef has mostly stopped for now, but it’s still going on in the lower echelon. I would argue it probably stopped because of Stormzy’s final dub, “STILL DISAPPOINTED”, which is hilarious, and actually on a grime beat, in fact it’s on an iconic beat from the first Lord of the Mics in 2004, “Mic Check 1-2” by Kano. It starts out pretty okay, Stormzy just saying that he’s a real G and all... but then:

So why you love to talk about mums so much?

The entire diss track is about Wiley’s mother, and that when Wiley’s house was threatened by bricks and guns during gang violence, he (supposedly) sent her to Cyprus instead of trying to rescue her and improving her quality of life. He then says that his mother is pregnant because Wiley is fraud (Huh?), that Stormzy will have sex with his mother, and that she is a whore, but it’s not her fault that she had to move to Cyprus, but he will still have sex with his mother and become the man of the house. He takes only a few bars to relax and stop going on this tangent detailing Wiley’s mother’s move to Cyprus, but then comes back to the topic again, and whilst some of the bars make seemingly no sense at least to me, the dub is cruel and so oddly specific that I’d be incredibly offended. I’d probably want to fight Stormzy after this, honestly, and the song isn’t even that great. It’s a diss track, so I can’t really critique it as a song and not a personal attack, but Stormzy’s flow and charisma is definitely there and this was a funny listen.

Also, this line had me cackling:

I never wanna hear you say, "Free the mandem" (Yeah) / Let's go Cyprus and go free your mumzy

#3 – “Life is Good” – Future and Drake

Produced by OZ and D. Hill

It is so weird to see Future here. Drake not so much obviously, but this song peaked at #2 in the US, nearly giving Future his first #1, all thanks to Drake. Without Drake, the song would still be entirely coherent but it wouldn’t chart at all. That’s because this is not a collaboration in any sense of the word. It wouldn’t even fit under the guise of their little collaborative effort, What a Time to be Alive. It’s a Drake song, and then a Future song. Hold on, let me change this.

#3 – “Life is Good” – Drake, then Future

Produced by OZ and D. Hill

I don’t mind guest artists having solo sections of songs, hell, Drake had one on Travis Scott’s “SICKO MODE” a year back, but there’s a beat switch in the middle that completely separates both performances. Drake has a chorus, as does Future. Drake has a verse, Future has two—under two completely separate beats. At least on “SICKO MODE”, Travis joined in with Drake and Tay Keith for a verse and a couple ad-libs under the same beat. Sigh, I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, even though Future cheated a chart placement; it’s not as obviously fraudulent as Ellie Goulding’s efforts, or John Legend’s. I’m surprised that a plain and simple trap-rap song charted this high in the first place, even if it was just Drake (And for most people who skip after the first two minutes, it might as well be). I don’t know why I’m complaining honestly, because the song is honestly pretty good. I would have usually dismissed this as dark trap-rap nonsense with no redeemable qualities, but this is one of those songs with such a lack of energy it’s almost eerie, and those creepy synths in Drake’s part are fantastic in making it sound like that. Repeating inflections from “Mob Ties” aside, Drake’s performance is pretty good, with a couple funny lines, although I’m not sure how intentionally funny they were.

Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up

[Gnarly dude]s caught me slippin’ once, okay, so what?

I think Pusha T’s diss track about you hiding a child was a bit more than being caught slipping once, Aubrey. Anyway, after a voice memo interlude from Future, we have a pretty great beat, with an admittedly stiff but still impressive trap groove, and while Future is less on beat than Drake and arguably less interesting, he rides the beat well enough, and the synths are really quiet, for whatever reason. Regardless, this is a pretty cool song with great flows from both rappers and an eerie, cool beat from OZ. 

I’m trying to avoid nonsense, get Osama spray in this b****, woo!

HUH

Conclusion

This was actually a pretty great week, with the obvious Worst of the Week going to Halsey’s “You should be sad”, and a surprising Best of the Week for “Rare” by Selena Gomez. In fact, I’m going to give a tied Honourable Mention instead of any Dishonourable Mentions, so it’s going to Stormzy’s “STILL DISAPPOINTED” and Drake’s, then Future’s, “Life is Good”. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank, I’ll see you next week.

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020