#i just want a person who wants me for me
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#whyyyyyyyy am i like this#i hate hurting people#and i hate that now i've ruined our dynamic#and lost two friends that have meant so much to me the past few months#but i can't help it if i'm not attracted to someone#i know they both understand#but it still feels like a punishment#not that they're punishing me#but i'm facing punishment for not giving myself sexually to anyone who wants me#i hate this so much#tbh it's a bad night like#nothing is gonna happen i'm good but like#christ i just feel really bad#really guilty and like i just ruin everything#i wish i had a person#everyone is a couple rn except me#i just want a person who wants me for me#idk just whining#sorry
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything
#i personally like to not be doing things constantly at all times. it stresses me out#i know there are ppl who thrive on cosntant activity#but me i like to chill out.#and the problem then becomes that i only ACTIVELY remember to do work and Find More Work To Do when im stressed#at the thought that others might want to see me working#if im ever relaxed i just dont look for stuff to do#catch 22 of modern work culture which permeates even ostensibly noncapitalist structures like public libraries#for instance: will it really kill anybody if the books get shelved by me now after a very busy day?#or shelved tomorrow morning by. well probably me since i'll be the one at the desk#not in the slightest#but it was work that wasnt being immediately done by me. therefore it was incorrect behavior#that i failed to identify because my instinct is to relax when not immediately presented with a Situation#this got me labeled as 'having no initiative' by my dad from a very early age#and even as an adult i still feel like im a child with no initiative
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Vanny finally meets FNAF tape girl in person...
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf vanessa#fnaf vanny#tape girl#fnaf tonya#fnaf help wanted#security breach#fnaf fanart#TAPE GIRL MENTIONED AGAIN 🔥🔥#A good handful of folks asks me if I’d draw Tape girl and Vanessa meeting#I THOUGHT it was a fun idea and finally got around to it#my thought process here is Vanny was hunting tape girl down#mean she wants to find the person who gave her this virus after all#just to say thank you I promise :-)#she’s either being genuine or sarcastic when she says it ‘helped her a lot’#probably similar to the Mike deal can’t bring herself to actually harm tape girl#I like the name Tonya for tape girl it’s one of her maybe names and I think it fits#shout out to toxic fnaf yuri…
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You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side
#m/cc#mine#I tried extremely hard to word this nicely because I KNOW people don't mean bad and often even know there are unique challenges#and believe me I know the challenges of invisible disability too!!#I have invisible disabilities!#but as someone who has also been at least visibly 'off' since they were 10 I am SO SICK of invisible disabilities being hailed as like#a unique extra oppression that us lucky visibly disabled people don't have to deal with#there are challenges to invisible disabilities that visibly disabled people DON'T have to deal with!#but you need to understand that *the reverse is also true*#there are MASSIVE benefits to being able to lie about your disability for example#or not dealing with the overt ableism that comes with your disability being obvious to everyone#*I do not have the option to pretend I'm not disabled.* that is never an option I have#I walk weirdly. I use a mobility aid now. my speech and face are 'off.' I lean to one side#for a long time I wore sunglasses 24/7 and often didn't make sense. I sometimes can't speak or won't react to others#for the most part people will always know that at the very least something is wrong with me#and more obviously I have people telling me they'll pray for me; telling me I can't do things I'm already in the process of doing;#wanting to shake my hand to tell me I'm an inspiration for not killing myself; giving me dirty looks for existing in public#and yes. I'm aware that this is very much an in-community issue. I know the average abled person doesn't know invisible disabilities exist#that's why there's so much awareness happening for it#but as a visibly disabled person I get SO TIRED of constantly hearing 'I wish my disability was visible :'('#it's just 'I wish I had your disability!' but from other disabled people
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nomad boyfriend comes back for a visit
obviously there are some extras for the patr0ns <3
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#halsin silverbough#durge#halsin x durge#the bhaalspawn has found an extremely healthy relationship dynamic#ashe's cats are so indifferent they're probably like 'oh tall tree dad is back'#i love domestics but also i think halsin is the kind of person who needs to vanish into the woods for 2-3 weeks#ashe hates dirt so he has his house with his cats#this makes me want to write an awful 70s farce where ashe thinks the guy's there for sex and he's just there to fix the boiler#i was working on a long angst comic but i pushed it back for. reasons#only wholesome stuff right now
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Look what we've become.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#Initially I wanted to do a 'Mutiny' quote to follow the 'Luck runs out' quote.#But the musical earworms demanded a different blood to be drawn. And I think it works just as well.#Alright. It's time to confess something. I really struggled with this comic. I didn't want to draw it. Then I didn't want to upload it.#Because I knew I would be here in the tags writing and backspacing for hours trying to articulate my thoughts.#I'm going to talk about death and grief in the tags today so this is your WARNING to look away if you aren't in a headspace for it.#Sometimes in media there are scenes and characters which land on topics so specific to your wounds that it reopens them all over again.#Because here's the truth. When you've known someone like this for nearly your whole life...it doesn't matter how bad the fight is.#You always think 'We'll always have time. One day this dust will settle and we'll rebuild the bridge.'#And then the fucker dies!!! He dies and suddenly there will never ever be time to repair the rift.#Someone you loved died thinking you hated them. And part of you did just a bit. But love and hate aren't mutually exclusive.#He's fucking dead and you are left with so many broken and unfinished pieces between the two of you.#Jiang Cheng loses Wei Wuxian thinking that WWX thought they hated each other.#He's a younger brother who will one day be older than the person he lost.#Who has no one else in the world who understands those feelings of love and hate and grief.#I can't be normal about this character. I don't think he even heals me. Zero catharsis to be gained here.#I just look at his sour grape ass and think 'shit that's a little too close to home.' JC is my discomfort character.#I'm probably going to regret being this vulnerable in the tags in like. An hour. So. sorry if you see this once and never again.#EDIT: Yeah sorry this took 4 hours to muster the courage to post. Surprise update!#EDIT 2: You guys were being too nice to me on my sad comic to point out the spelling error. I have fixed it now B'*)
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staff still hasn't given me polls, what should i do?
🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪 their moms 69%
🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪 their dads 31%
grace image os i get to look at her
#edit: edited the og post to what i want but to set the record straight i edited to the post to be mathematically correct right after the#first person pointed it out which was like ten mins after i posted the og post. now fuck offf !!!!! the rest of the tags r from the og post#for some reason i feel very immature making your mom jokes about tumblr staff. which i shldnt !!#bc they suck nd they still havent given me polls. but i ig i feel imature bc it a your mom joke 😭 but still i tihnk its kinda funny#EDIT: edited the post to what i want bc yall were getting annoying . but to set the record straight i edited to post to be mathematically#also its *mum* not mom okay i am NOT !! an american . but if i say mum everyone will j be like 'omg british' like i dont know i am#anyway. i want polls please. give me the rigght to force my mutuals chose between the most inane things#also i tihnk it wld b cool for the cs weekly blog. like w each episode#i cld do a poll of like. out of five stars what do u think of this ep#and it wld b a cool thing of which eps r ppls faves#also i cld have like. whose ur fave in team red whos ur fave in acme etc#id prob just have to go with vile faculty bc theres more than 10 ppl in vile. and ppl wld kill me if i didnt include nel the ell or whoever#it wld b fun !!!#oh btw csweekly thats i thing i want to start. prob on uhhh the 11th of feb ill post abt it more but its basically#a tag/blog for watching cs one ep a time watching one ep every saturday#ya !! :3#flappy rambles#inaccessible#ask to tag#(<- idk. just in case)
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"Nora doesn't know anything about the things she writes about" "aftg is terrible queer rep" "the queer characters in aftg are so problematic"
Idk guys maybe the book series abt problematic ppl set in 2006 and written in the mid 2010s shouldn't be expected to hold up against scrutiny of what we consider to be moral and correct now, in 2024
Idk tho, idk
#“nicky is a terrible person” bitch he not supposed to be some kind of perfect angel is he????#sry to burst ur bubble but gay men are actually capable of being horrible people just as much as straight men#“death of the author” how abt death of you#instigated by me#nora sakavic#aftg#all for the game#aftg hot takes#nicky hemmick#andrew minyard#kevin day#neil josten#nora knew exactly what she was doing and i will die on this hill#i am so so sick and tired of peoe acting like shes some sort of incompetent idiot who barely scraped together a plot#you do not have to stay in the fandom if you don't actually like the media#you can leave i promise#we dont really want you here
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"NO, I WANT TO KILL HIM!"
#this. absolutely jawdropping#brian tyree henry was already in my opinion leagues above the rest of most of the voice cast#but this cemented it. fucking listen to him#this was a moment that really just made me go ''there he is''#this is the first time we actually see *rage* from D-16 and it hits like a BRICK#who he is is still bleeding through the edges of the anger but he's so hurt and there's this *painful* sincerity to his voice#I personally think he should be allowed to kill whoever he wants. baby boy. baby#good movie. good fucking movie#tf#tf one#transformers#transformers one#maccadam#orion pax#d-16#d16#optimus prime#megatron
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#this is just an april fools post please don't listen to this playlist i don’t want to know what it would do to a person#(but if you do listen to it. tell me about it i need to know what it was like)#hxh#hunter x hunter#link in replies btw. for the brave soul who asked
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One of the philosophical/theological differences between judaism and other religions is how we conceive of the consequences of doing bad things.
I just heard someone say, "well jews don't believe in hell, so why don't you-" and just never sits right with me that the only thing that could prevent you from acting in bad ways are the threat of an eternal punishment. The implication that you shouldn't care about the consequences of your actions on the worldly level are astounding as well.
I care about not doing bad because it hurts people - myself included. Even if I did believe in hell... It wouldn't factor into how I live life. I fundamentally don't agree that we should treat this life and this world as a temporary home - a rest stop - where our actions only matter insofar as it affects where you go in the afterlife.
#jumblr#personal thoughts tag#i think that's also why you have apathy from people about things like climate change and social issues#because if you think of this life as a short stop to Eternal Bliss™ you don't NEED to care about the material world#in fact you'll just distract yourself from earning your spot in Eternal Bliss™#and the people who DO care about the Worldly Things are just in denial about jow much they want Eternal Bliss™#obviously that's a generalization of a mindset that i have seen before that not everyone will believe in#the only thing i feel the need to believe in is g-d and that He wants me to LIVE g-ddamnit
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i feel like people are sleeping on the occam's razor situation of how buckwild it is to outright accuse a guy of being a clone of your friend even if you DO have a lot of circumstantial evidence. there's other options is what im saying. they could just be like. a guy. that's a sensible deduction. you should explore that deduction. ignore my shirt that reads I <3 RED HERRINGS.
i still think odile has the correct theory on lock but she's smart enough to know it needs like... a real smoking gun to be able to bring it up without sounding insane.
anyway. (mirabelle voice) i know its rude to speculate but has anyone else noticed the grieving? they seem to be grieving. does anyone have any thoughts on the grieving? i have some thoughts on the grieving.
#[isabeau voice] am i insane or does sometimes loop talk like they might have killed their whole family. is that just me? just checking.#nille design highly inspired by @kiwibrain's since its the one that imprinted in my mind. liberties taken since i didnt look @ reference#anyway i have a lot more thoughts on this? i guess ill hide them in the tags...? scroll down i suppose.#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 6 spoilers#isat loop#isat siffrin#isat bonnie#isat nille#isat fanart#in stars and time fanart#doodlebyte#----------------------------------------------------------------------#anyway the extra thoughts. are literally just my general thoughts on postcanon. (and thus are the context for all of my postcanon doodles!)#which is i think nille joins the party before loop reappears for a start (either from a period of nonexistence or just wandering around)#and that like. i think the party should be able to integrate loop as a completely new person. because they are! the secrecy isn't great but#They and Siffrin shuffle into different ecological niches in the party (eg. i think sif is more squeamish after it all but loop isnt)#and while it's not *exactly* what Loop wanted they get that beggars can't be choosers. and its pretty good#(i am glossing over how i think loop's reappearence drags both them and siffrin into a massive behavioural backslide and is likely a bit#distressing to watch go down. cycle of argument -> lovebombing -> normalcy -> repeat. etc etc. but since they are no longer literally#stewing in the worst pressure cooker of all time they do resolve it via productive conversation on their own time. its fine)#the party well-meaningly tries to deduce things from loop's vagueries and are able to pin down the DEAD FAMILY vibe pretty quickly.#but eventually the question of their prior identity falls by the wayside because well! they're just their friend loop! (also change belief)#as for how The Truth Come Out... this is what i mean by The Isabeau Torment Nexus(tm). which is that i think... isiloop should almost occur#BEFORE isabeau knows who loop is. he's just genuinely charmed by them eventually and tries to close the open end of the polycule#which FREAKS LOOP THE FUCK OUT because thats just too genuinely sick and wrong. and obviously w emotions high its not a great confrontation#ANYWAY told u i had more thoughts. if i were normal itd be a text post but.
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its always funny when i remember hamilton was a big deal because i know about it rationally like i was into it as well. but so many people in the doctor who tag knowing jonathan groff primarily as king george still amuses me because he is in so many other things
#man is prolific i think these are his most well known defining stuff?#i personally have been a spring awakening guy forever even though i actually did know him from hamilton originally#i just. those youve known makes me mournful.#i want to know this. this is important data to me#doctor who#rogue doctor who#jonathan groff#musical theatre#fifteenth doctor#polls
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i saw someone spread hate to Keiko bc they were a Bashir/O'brien shipper, and i do NOT agree with that.
why would you ever say such things when this was always an option?
this is obviously what's happening in the show anyways
#i love her so much and i can rant about her forever and ever. please do not come to me with keiko hate bc i do NOT want to hear it#she wasn't even in the picture i saw this commented on. the person just targeted her for no reason#keiko o'brien#miles o'brien#julian bashir#elim garak#star trek fanart#star trek#fanart#art#deep space nine#ds9#edit: everyone who is saying i forgot kira is right and i am so sorry. she is absolutely a part of this family as well
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#wanted to post this with some other doodles but they aren't really coming together and i just liked this one#hunter x hunter#hxh#kurapika#senritsu#melody hxh#kurasen#sorry i'm shiptagging this one#as usual can be platonic if u want#but shoutout to the kurasen folks who write things in the tags of my posts you are my reason for living (& by living i mean posting fanart#on tunglr dot com)#come to think of it i never really draw much overtly romantic stuff#the romance to me is being comfortable around each other and just seeming to like each other's company#the understanding and trust and when it's easy to be around another person and yadda yadda#(and yea i'd like them to kiss i guess but i don't draw that bc i can't draw kissing for shit LOL)
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