#i just want Stone punch his boss for once

[masacatki]

"have you prepared my latte, Stone"

[holylulusworld]

Jealousy a la Bucky

Summary: He’s not jealous.

Pairing: (Soft)Mobster!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Warnings: jealous Bucky, Bucky is smitten for the reader, Steve being a tease, fluff, flirting

He’s not jealous. Never. He’s not even looking your way when you talk to one of his business partners. Nope. He’s not squaring his jaw or balling his hands into fists. No, of course not.

What he does is sulk at the bar, a pout on his lips, and a grumpy expression on his face. He nips at his drink while following your every move.

“That her?” Steve finally asks. He watched his friend stare at you from afar for almost half an hour. Now he wants to tease him. “I guess she’s good at making new friends, huh? A pretty dame like her. All alone. Wearing a dress like that.”

“First and final warning,” Bucky points his index finger at his friend and brother-in-crime. “I saved your life more than once. But I will take it if you say one more thing about that woman.”

“Aw, it finally happened,” sipping at his drink Steve watches his friend frown deeply. You giggle at something Clint Barton, one of his confidants and notorious weapon dealers, said. “James Buchanan Barnes is in love.”

“Shut up, punk,” Bucky grunts. “If you say one more word, you’ll lose your tongue and more.” He angrily glares at Barton, swearing on his mother’s grave he’ll kill the man if he dares to touch you. “I’m not in love.” 

He’s not in love. Not at all. Of course, not. James Buchanan Barnes, a notorious mobster, and stone-cold weapon dealer doesn’t fall in love.

Then, why can’t he take his eyes off you, his sweet new assistant? The woman taking care of his life. “She brings me food and makes my appointments. Y/N is only my assistant. Stop acting like I lost my dead heart to that beautiful, caring, and sweet girl.”

“You are so in love with her,” Steve grins and raises his glass. “To James Buchanan Barnes, the most wanted bachelor who finally got tamed. I hope you know I want to be your best man at your wedding.”

Bucky glares at Steve. He wants to say something, or (and) punch his friend’s face when someone calls his name. Your sweet voice brings him out of his rage and back to reality. 

“Mr. Barnes, you should eat something,” you clear your throat to get your boss’s attention. “Sir, I got you a plate filled with all the things you like.”

“All the things I like?” He drops his eyes to the plate you hold. “You mean all the things you like, doll.”

You giggle at the pet name. Bucky Barnes is a dangerous man, and you should be afraid to be even close to him. Oddly, you feel the safest around your boss. He’s a big teddy bear when it comes to you.

“Fine, I got you the same things I like so we can share.”

“You want to share the food with Bucky?” Steve swallows thickly when his friend snaps his head toward him. “He’s a food thief. You should keep a close eye on that food.”

“I like sharing,” you softly say. “Mr. Barnes often forgets to eat. I made it my mission to take care of him and his well-being.”

Steve chokes on his drink at the look Bucky gives you. Puppy dog eyes. James Buchanan Barnes looks at you like you are a miracle to him. 

“Uh-cool,” the blonde says. “I’ll grab some food too. It was a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Y/L/N.”

“Same,” you are busy offering food to your boss and barely look at Steve. “Now, what do you want to taste first?”

‘Your lips’, Bucky thinks to himself but doesn’t say it out loud. “What do you recommend?”

“We could start with the salmon and then, you should try the green asparagus. It’s delicious and the best I ever ate. OH, and they have the best desserts, Bucky.” You gasp as you just called your boss by his name. “I’m sorry, Sir…I didn’t…I…”

“My name sounds like a melody on your tongue,” Bucky grabs the salmon to wolf it down. You just stare at him, and let his words sink in. 

“That was…” you snort. “Oh my god! So funny. I mean…sorry…but…that was the lamest pick-up line ever,” you step closer to whisper in his ear. “You know, if you like me, you can just ask me out.”

“It was poetic and—” He tries to argue until he realizes you kinda asked him out. “Do you want to go on a date with me, doll?”

“Phew, finally,” you smirk. “I wouldn’t have made it through the night if I talked to Mr. Barton for much longer. He wanted me to have a look at his bow. I still don’t know what he meant.”

“His bow?” Bucky hiccups. “That bastard wanted to show you his bow?”

“Hmm…I told him that you already offered to show me your gun.”

“Right now?” He nervously shifts on his feet, and hopefully looks at you.

“No,” you pat his chest and smile. “I don’t look at a man’s gun before the second date…or the third.”

“I bet you’ll make an exception for me,” he takes the plate out of your hands and throws it over his shoulder. “Don’t worry, doll. I’ll order room service for us.”

“I’m keeping you up on that promise, Sir…”

You will have room service, in Paris only a few hours later…

Tags in reblog.

[sulfies]

If I Lead (pt3)

Part 2 here

Vincesco stood true by his word.

 Desmond didn't even need to use most of his skillset which he was happy about. He took it easy and dodged when he needed and accepted some punches when It seemed like he was going overboard. He was not trying to climb the ranks in a race and make a name, he just needed to be off the training wheels. And It had worked. The young lad looked a bit pissed off about not winning against him but Desmond didn't care much about it.

The next day he was given instructions and pocket money to get himself some gear that fitted him. Now equipped with warmer clothes and shoes that actually fit he was faring better. 

Marsilio also was paying him quite a good amount of money for basically doing nothing but walking around and swinging his sword to train every now and then…. He really couldn't understand why the mercenaries complained about Ezio cutting their wages since he became in charge, just how much Mario was paying them before?

A month passed in this new lazy routine.

He made home in his guard tower. He was used to sleeping outside and wasting money on rent seemed unnecessary when he had little to no belongings. He bought himself some extra blankets to cushion the stone ground and shield from the cold wind at night. His lodging was enough for him.

He was rarely in it unless he was sleeping anyway.

He would wake up before dawn, bathe in the stream right outside the village a few minutes away if he needed, and then he would make his way to the barracks.

It was peaceful really…

He was terribly bored.

There was not much for him to do, sometimes he would get called to patrol outside the woods to see if any bandits were camping around but they have yet to see one since he has been here. Every now and then he would group with some people for training, but most of the time he was left alone as long as he reported to the barracks first thing of the day.

He had taken hunting as a hobby, going out around mid-noon to catch some small game to bring to the butcher. It gave him food and some extra savings money. He wanted to save enough to buy a horse so he could travel without problems, taking detours if he needed but horses were expensive. 

The barracks stable had a few but they all had their owners and the ones that did not were there if the need arose.  Also, he really wasn't looking to be known as -the horse thief-.

Sometimes Vincesco would call him over to go for a drink at the tavern, each time he would accept with the guilt eating him from inside out. He was not supposed to lay around and get drunk. He had people he needed to get back to, people who he was to guide but he could not refuse his bosses.

So he would drink a mug or two of the piss-tasting beer, the cheapest money could find as slowly as he could till the rest were drunk enough for them to not realize he was faking his stumbles on the street. Once everyone parted he would climb up to his den and force himself to sleep.

He was going mad.

Desmond wasn't used to being this useless. He was used to waking up and having a mission to complete.

Find us a new water-source Desmond, We need food Desmond the field has yet to yield any, Desmond help us move this rocks over so we can prepare the shelter, Desmond climb up the mountain to see if there is anything that survived

and he did it all without complaints.

He travelled for days or months to see if there was anything new, he noted down any new changes he could see. He helped Shaun with whatever he needed his strength or body for. He helped Rebecca gather whatever supply she was going to need to make their lives easier. That was his job.

He was there to calm the people down, remind them that gods had not forsaken them but they had been given a new beginning. To not panic but have hope so humankind could survive long after them.

It was all bullshit really, to keep the leftover people from going mad. 

In the darkest times, religion was most of the time the home of hope they needed to shelter in. But it had worked.

They had a functioning farm, bushes that yielded berries, small huts that gave lodging to people. They were actually seeing growth after 20 years, grass was filling the land and young trees were growing taller. They were finally getting somewhere so Desmond had left on a new expedition to find some more survivors further back from the camp to see if anyone was left.

And then he was here.

Lying on his blankets he watched the stars, tracing the groups with his eyes trying to remember the names Shaun taught them, the ones he couldn't remember without his books, Rebecca had made up stupid nicknames for.

He missed them terribly nowadays… Even his father.

William had died just three years ago. The grief lingered more than he had expected. All the issues they had before seemed so small after the flare, they never patched things up but they didn't fight like they used to. Desmond knew he bore some guilt about convincing him to not go through with the shields. They all did.

They each had their turns to cry, shout and laugh crazy about it then cry some more. The three blamed themselves which in turn made Desmond blame himself more. It was an endless cycle they decided to put behind themselves to focus on the now. 

Desmond turned to his side, inhaling deeply, his hair tickling his neck from the wind. He listened to the nocturnal birds and closed his eyes. He hoped they were safe above all else. 

---------------------------

Two weeks passed by fast and Desmond's routine did not change. Wake up, bathe, barracks, busywork, hunt, do something… anything… then sleep. He had taken to sharpening the unused swords and upkeep of them for today's activity since no one else was bothering to do it. 

Near a clearing around the stable, he was sitting on a stool, sharpening one sword after another with a whetstone on his lap, adding them to a pile. 

“Actually working for your coins Domenico? You should join the others inside for a few cups.”

He looked at the voice that was calling him. Angelo, one from Marsillios circle. He gave a polite smile back. “Not much to do and I don't like drinking while the sun is up, gives me issues at night.” 

“Smart man, keeping your soldier ready for when it's needed.”

Desmond made a face at the joke, He never stepped a foot in the brothel. A lot of the recruit's freshly earned coins ended up in there almost the day they gained them… then trickled back into the economy. He did not want to think about the amount of STD’s circulating around. Even if everyone was magically clean… sex had been the last thing on his mind for a long while.

“Please, If the wife learned I even dared to breathe next to one of the honey pots she would have my head.” 

“Oh come on, how would she even know?”

He hummed in answer and smiled “Trust me she would… and I like to keep my manhood intact till I die”

Angelo laughed and walked near him. Eyeing the swords lying on a pile on the side, the ones that were ready to be polished.

“Needed me for anything?” 

The other man shifted his weight “Marsillio wanted me to let people know to be extra sharp the next few days, actually do what he says and whatnot… not that you need a reminder.”

“Why is that? Is Ser Mario coming to check the barracks again?” He had seen him a couple of times, the man usually looked around for a few minutes then joined the backroom to talk about what he needed to.

“Nah, the actual big boss is coming back any day now. Sent in a word with his bird, arrived just an hour ago to the villa.”

Desmond's whole body tensed in a second. It was not hard to figure out who the nickname belonged to.

Ezio was coming back.

He forced himself to relax. “A-ah… so we need to be on our best behaviour?”

“Mmhm. You might be asked to go to the training grounds a bit more and longer than you are used to, we need to look busy lest we want more budget cuts. The young master has already been bleeding us dry…”

Desmond gave a nervous chuckle and placed the sword in his hand on the pile. “Alright, no problem for me but I know a lot of the kids are going to groan and moan about it”

“Yeah they already are, Vinchesco is not happy about it so I'm sending you up next to him for morale.” A soft pat landed on his shoulder “Think yourself as second in charge. A small promotion with no pay raise”

Angelo left his side with a smile.

“Great”

Not great… he couldn't even hide next to the recruits as they trained.

He might visit the church just to pray and hope that Ezio doesn't give a shit about the training area and just passes by it. 

Maybe he could fake a stomachache or the plague… ask for a toilet break as soon as Ezio stepped foot through the gates…

---------------------------

For two days Desmond’s every limb was aware of every movement and talk around him. They were patrolling a lot more and training a lot longer. 

He wished he was just given the duty of cleaning around the barracks but Vincheso liked him for some reason enough to ask him to stick by his side.

“If I have to hear any more whining I might actually have them train till sunrise…”

Desmond shrugged his shoulders and he listened to him complain, not much different than the recruits. He figured it out the second day while Vinchesco’s job was to babysit the newbies, Desmond’s job was to babysit him. “You know if you guys were more strict from the get-go they wouldn't feel this comfortable crying about it.”

“And make my own job harder? Training doesn't teach a man how to swing a sword anyway, they actually need to fight to become man is what I think. I sure didn't learn how to kill from stabbing these stupid straw dummies couple times a day.”

“I'm not sure just charging into the enemy will teach them much is all I’m saying… well other than dying.”

Vinchesco leaned back onto the railing “Meh, I send the ones that show promise to the others that actually put them to work.” he waved his hand around “All this is just, keeping the meatshields sharper.”

Desmond sighed, what a way to raise an army… Ezio really needed to keep tighter reins around these bunch and overhaul the system… but he rather Ezio do that once he got to Venice and away from here.

“You are way too uptight Dominico. It's good here. We get coin, we get food, we drink then we fuck and then we sleep. Living it up like nobles almost… you should enjoy it more, I’m sure you fought plenty of battles in your youth but this is not a battlefield and we got Ser Ezio behind us if else happens. The man is his own army.”

Desmond's jaw clenched, old memories of the fall of this Monterriggioni flashing in his mind. No wonder no one was alerted till it was too late… he always thought the Village was captured way too easily.

“Mmhm… I'll try” he smiled back with a strain “Old habits die hard, that's all… the guard schedule back in Florence was way more strict.”

“More the reason to-”  “HE IS BACK! SER EZIO IS BACK”

A shout cut off Vinchesco’s word, The messenger ran towards them. 

Desmon felt the anxiety boil in his gut

“Shit…”

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Being Kidnapped HC (ft. poly!Mates Bat Boys)

Warnings: I’m on a bat boys kick 🙃 has nothing to do with the fact that i'm missing my ex and now just want a strong male (or three) to take care of me lol, blood mentioned, violence, protective boys, polyamorous, drugged reader (faebane)

Summary: Bat Boys rescue their mate

It’s bound to happen

No matter your own power, there will always be others in Prythian who think kidnapping you will give them some sort of leverage over your winged mates

Others kidnap you to experiment on you. Why is it that the Cauldron gifted you three mates? Many wanted to know what made you different than the other fae who only have one mate

Whatever reason they had, it kept you constantly on your toes when you didn’t have one of the boys by your side.

Even in Velaris you were always on guard. You could never be too careful

Many were close calls where you were able to escape

The worse cases were when the boys had to intervene

One of Az’s shadows always accompanied you everywhere you went. Finding you was never a problem for them. There was nowhere in the world they wouldn’t be able to find you

That always set whatever worry you may have at ease

What you never looked forward to was the bloodshed that would follow

“Just take me back. Take me back and I’m sure you’ll be forgiven.” You’d try to talk your captor out of whatever plan they had in store for you. Give them a chance to change their minds.

Usually that earned you a slap across your face and vile words thrown your way

You’d have no choice but to sit back and attempt once more to pull at your restraints. Faebane still flowed in your system. There was no way you could use your magic, let alone your strength.

No way to telepathically contact your mates because of the Faebane

But you can feel the comforting coiling of Az’s shadow around your wrist

And slowly, the shadowsinger appears in the room you are kept captive

The guards assigned to watch you are easily killed by Azriel who doesn’t bother looking at them. Concerned eyes concentrated on you. “Are you alright, sweetling?” He frees you from your shackles and cups your cheeks in his scarred hands. Something dark flickers in his eyes when he spots the red mark on your face from where one of your captors had slapped you.

You could hear the sound of battle going on the other side of the. Well, mainly screams as your fae captors were torn limb from limb by Rhys and Cassian.

The splattering of blood against stone walls hits your ears. You can only imagine the carnage

They tried to shield you from most of the violence but you knew that this offense would not be taken lightly from your mates. Only seeing red and hungry for the flesh of whoever dared to lay an aggressive hand on you.

When quiet finally reined, the door opens to reveal Cassian. Wordlessly, Azriel hands you over to Cassian's strong arms. You don't care that he's covered in blood and gore. He's smiling widely at you.

"Sorry we took so long." Cassian would apologize and hold you closely to his barrel chest. He cocks his head over to the doorway. "Rhys has the boss. I'm sure he'd appreciate your help with him."

Azriel, like always, leaves you with a kiss to the cheek before he leaves.

"Shit, they really banged you around. . ." You catch Cassian curse under his breath.

"Nothing I can't handle." It wasn't the worse abuse you'd been dealt with. "Their punches were as light as a feather."

Snorting, Cassian places his lips against your brow. "You wanna go watch the interrogation?"

"Fuck yeah I do."

Just because you were accustomed to it, didn't mean you wouldn't be petty as fuck

later when they got you home, Rhysand refused to let you out of his arms. You were cleaned up on his lap. Rhysand had a few specks of blood on his face that he didn't bother to wipe away. When you take it upon yourself to reach up and clean it, he turns his face into your palm and kisses your fingers.

Safe and sound, surrounded by your bat boys.

[fave-fight]

ROUND 1, MATCH 26

NO MAGIC, POWERS, OR WEAPONS

Dr. Coomer:

“i… don’t think he would win.”

“HELLO, GORDON!”

Floyd Leech:

“If he stays in human form and has no mage stones, he's just Some Guy, so he still qualifies. This mafia motherfucker would FIGHT. One time when faced with a monster, everyone else was like "oh no, we need magic" and he was like "nah, let's punch it" and then he DID. He hasn't used his pointy teeth in canon yet, but he could in theory bite someone if necessary, and it would hurt like a bitch. He'd fight dirty, I just know it. Let him punch everything and then get punched in the face, it'd be so great.”

“This guy is a menace who almost never uses weapons or tools to terrorize people. He's strong and athletic, smart enough to get what he wants on a whim, and squeezes contract-breakers until they faint on a regular basis.”

“NOTE: Floyd is a magic boy, but the “no mage stone” thing is there because it means he won’t be able to use magic, because people in Twisted Wonderland can’t without accumulating deadly magic toxin unless they have the stones. He’s also a merman, but he’d be in his human form. His human form does have pointy teeth (like the anime character kind) but I’m not sure if they have any real effect in game other than to intimidate people. Other people in this game have them too who are allegedly “human.” And again, plenty of “human” anime characters have them. Myfeeling is that they shouldn’t be disqualifying on their own.  This game is about magic boys at a magic school, but don’t worry, they get into traditional fist-fights so often it’s literally a randomly generated event that can happen in your Guest Room space. And Floyd Leech would never use magic in a fist-fight. He’d think that was “no fun” or “totally lame.” His signature magical spell just nullifies other people’s magic that targets him… so he can fight them with his fists. Since no one else here has magic, it’s totally irrelevant.  Also I’m not sure he uses fists so much as he does something to his opponents that he describes as “squeezing” them. I don’t know entirely what he means by that when he’s in his human form, but how much it scares the faceless NPC students indicates to me that he’s found a way to make it work. I do know it’s supposed to have a whole mafia vibe to it. Because his dad (and his childhood friend he lowkey sort-of works for) have real mafia boss energy. And Floyd’s basically decided that if he’s going to do this mafia shtick it’s Capo or bust. Floyd doesn’t always feel like doing stuff, due to his wildly unpredictable mood swings, but it honestly seems like the thing he can most easily be convinced to do is beat the shit out of people. During the “Beanfest” event (which was somewhat analogous to a paintball match), he insisted on throwing his weapon away and beating up aforementioned childhood friend even though the game was over and he’d already lost, just because apparently “once Floyd has decided to fight nothing can be done about it" and you just have to fight him if you want to get on with the rest of your day. He’d started out that event “not really in the mood” but somehow ended up spending the entire day beating the hell out of every person he ran into. In the camping event, when all of the boys were being picked off by a monster in the woods one at a time and were panicking because they didn’t have magestones or cellphones and therefore couldn’t defend themselves with magic or call an adult for help, Floyd was literally just like “why don’t we just beat the shit out of it?” And then he DID. And it was awesome.  But before you think he’s just some sort of dumb thug, let me assure you that Floyd is actually one of Night Raven’s most intelligent students. He has a photographic memory and can create valuable gems in alchemy class with minimal effort. Unfortunately, his mood swings make it impossible for him to maintain a decent GPA. But he’s actually a smart, tactical fighter. He’s just violent and unstable. Oh and if you’re wondering, his personality is generally abrasive and confrontational. He regularly starts arguments with the most volatile people at the school, just to mess with them and see where it goes because he’s bored.  Finally, if it sweetens the deal for anyone, Floyd would wear some killer designer shoes to this fight. Don’t worry, they wouldn’t be dangerous/weaponized. They’d just be expensive and custom made. You know, so he can get upset when someone scuffs them up.  Like for real, is there anyone who deserves to be in a crazy bitch fist-fight more than a moody mafia prince who’s secretly some sort of genius, but seems to only truly love fighting and designer footwear? If there is, I can’t think of them. ”

[eco-lite]

Volume 5 thoughts! I can’t believe I have to wait until November for volume 6. 😩

“Citrine Undaunted”

* Bye bye, Shimomura. 👋🏼 Good luck following your passions. I hope Seigi will take inspiration from this.

* This is truly such a bizarre story. Why does it feel like Ms. Darling is some supernatural creature trying to influence Seigi’s path in life? And her compliments about Seigi’s hands are very uncomfortable.

* “It was a lot easier when you let your brain process what you were going to say before you opened your mouth, rather than blurting out something stupid in a panic” (36). Seigi… are you just learning this now?

* I can’t wait for Seigi to do some actual self-reflection and realize that he doesn’t give a shit about being a civil servant.

* Richard loves showing Seigi bi-colored stones, huh…?

* Richard sending emojis makes me so happy.

“A Visage in Sardonyx”

* Poor Homura. Let’s hope third time’s the charm for him. He does seem a bit to quick to marry though.

* Wait, so agate is quartz too? I never new so many stones were varieties of quartz!

* I never know how cameos were made either—that’s so cool!

* “‘Say, for example, you love someone in a romantic sense, but that person doesn’t even consider you a romantic possibility. You’re just someone they “care about deeply”’” (81). Please don’t say this to Richard. That’s gonna hit way to close to home. 🥲

* I’ve considered before that Richard may have wanted to just stop living, but it doesn’t hurt any less for him to confirm it. I’m glad he has support now. It gives new mean to when he says that Saul saved his life, though.

* SEIGI! How are you going to say that your relationship with Richard hasn’t changed at all, and that you’re just boss and employee?! After everything you went through together in the last volume??? Now that you regularly go out to dinner together and talk in the phone until 1:30am?????? What is your problem, man?

* I know the circumstances are weird, but I think Richard and Tanimoto would get along really well and have a lot to talk about. I’m excited for them to meet!

* Although I feel weird about the whole “in love with my stepmother” thing, this case was an interesting exploration of different kinds of love—and how defining your love for someone sometimes isn’t the most important thing. What matters is that the love is there. I suppose I agree with that. It definitely matters how you define the relationship that the love occurs in, though. Seigi needs to start thinking about that.

“The Majesty of Zircon”

* I agree that strict government work probably is t right for Seigi, but damn, his classmates are brutal!

* “And that was how the first step of my self-assessment started—with the fact that I apparently didn’t know the first thing about myself being shoved in my face” (110). Yeah, there are several things you don’t know about yourself, Seigi. Once again, I am begging you to do some self-reflection!

* Woah, a flashback and a POV switch?!

* “‘… I have a interest in waterside ecosystems’” (124). Wow me too!

* Not Jeffrey suggesting they burn the Claremont estate down 😅

* Lol the catharsis of punching Jeffrey in a dream. Wish I could do that. If Richard’s dream is accurate… wtf, Jeffrey?

* “‘…I don’t know how many people you must’ve hurt by being such an impossibly insensitive jerk. A guy like you would never be popular with the high school girls in Delhi, no matter how handsome you are. I could call a dozen of my old friends, and they’d all be like “No thanks”’” (172). You tell him! I love Monica so much.

* Lol Richard giving himself a pep talk in order to make a salad.

* This puts a new perspective on the scene in “White Sapphire” when Richard tells Seigi that he should value himself more than to just throw himself into dangerous situations to save others. Richard learned that lesson himself. He also cares about people deeply enough to take crazy desperate actions. Saul was the one who taught Richard to have more care for himself, and now Richard is passing on that advice to Seigi.

“The Grace of Peridot”

* Not Richard making Seigi read Les Misérables lol

* No Seigi, your past is not “better left unsaid!” Please tell us!

* I really don’t understand why Richard’s parents ever thought they could make their relationship work. Like, how do a conservation-focused entomologist and a self-obsessed actress even fall in love with each other??

* I can’t believe I’m past the point where Seigi saying he would jump into a fire if Richard begged him to doesn’t phase me at all. Yeah, that’s normal Seigi behavior. 🤦🏽‍♀️ For real though, the image of Richard crying and begging is truly very distressing. I hope he never feels so much pain.

* I don’t think we’ve seen Seigi call Richard cute before. And not only cute, but “like a matcha frappé with whipped cream and chocolate chips and muscovado sugar” (256). Wowie.

* This reunion with Chieko is so sweet. Richard is actually being adorable.

* “At any rate, I knew that Richard was not fit to stand around and chat, so I decided to wrap things up there” (258). It’s really hitting me just how attentive Seigi is to Richard’s emotional needs. It’s not just carrying candy around to pacify him when he’s in a bad mood. In this situation, Seigi understands that reuniting with Chieko is a very happy, but also emotionally exhausting experience for Richard. Seigi knows just when to remove them from the situation and come back another time. It’s very sweet.

* HOMURA PLEASE WHY ARE YOU HERE? Well, at least it seems like this relationship will succeed. Third time’s the charm.

* I’m so happy that Richard had such a caring mother figure, and that they’re reunited now. I hope they can see each other often.

* Ew not Margaret Thatcher 😑

* Classic marriage mixup once again.

* Wtf is Richard going to say to him?! You can’t just not let us in on this, Tsujimura!

“Andalusite on Christmas Eve”

* Tanimoto: misunderstands Seigi as always. Seigi: “There really are no gods in this world, huh?” 🥲

* “‘Now, I’m just speaking for myself, but special days can be a bit like storms. And in stormy weather, what you need isn’t a compass or sails but a calm harbor where you can set anchor.’ And then Richard said softly that he prayed that I would find such a place” (291). Holy shit. 🥲🥲

“Tiger’s Eye Look Back”

* A cute little story from the first few months of Seigi working at Étranger. I’m trying to figure out why this little scene was included, though. Maybe to show us just how far both Seigi and Richard have come since the beginning of the story.

* I find it really interesting that Seigi never questions why he finds Richard so beautiful. I feel like a typical “straight” man would not be so casual about thinking another man is beautiful, or having any of the other extremely romantically coded thoughts Seigi has about Richard. But I do appreciate that this series normalizes all different types of people finding beauty and happiness in all sorts of things.

Unrelated to a specific case, but now that Tsujimura has established multiple perspectives besides Seigi’s, I really want to read from Richard’s perspective. I know that would diminish the mystery around him and take away from learning about him as Seigi does, but I really want to know his thoughts in the moment he met Seigi. I’d love a re-telling of that first case from Richard’s POV.

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

yes a thousand percent absolutely lets go

(firstly i am sorry my post put anyone to a point of feeling the need to apologize for or feel bad for being Very Into Leo’s character. as someone who is flagrantly Very Into Raph’s character, i promise i wasn’t trying to throw a stone in this glass house. i’ve gotten burnt out on a lot of fanon leo stuff but part of why im so !!!! about it is bc i too love leo’s characterization and potential.. i swear

catch me catching my brain and tone malfunctions behind dennys later, sorry again gang)

BUT YE I’LL TALK ABOUT MOVIE RAPH STUFF TO MY BEST CAPACITY ALL DAY

overall i honestly... totally get raph being hard to get a handle on in this respect. like it’s pretty difficult to pick where to start and how to express it even just in an informal tumblr analysis post, i still haven’t managed to put together any kind of fic myself LMAO. bear with me i will do my best!

so firstly there’s just the veritable gauntlet of “stuff raph experienced/was dealing with in the span of the movie” to consider, i think. 

- his fear and anxiety over his family’s safety, for which he always always feels personally responsible. when he called the retreat during that first fight with the krang, he was absolutely terrified-- and i can only imagine how much scarier it was after leo bailed on the escape pod. like, there’s no way raph was not hauling ass after leo the second he saw that happen.

= he takes a hit for leo, as in just barely stops it and loses a chunk of shell/plastron in the process. he sacrifices himself using his pod to get leo out of there safely (and there’s so much to be said about the fact that raph’s pod seems to be the only one that didn’t auto-activate. that only he and donnie seemed to know they even existed. there’s a whole talk they must have had right there, like raph would probably have had to ask specifically for this feature.)

- the krang try to intimidate answers out of him about the key, and when that doesn’t get them those answers, prime literally jams tentacles into his brain and roots around until he can find what they’re looking for. so that’s one bullet point on the list for outright mental violation. it looks/sounds very painful, not to mention terrifying. 

^^ and honestly, this point of suffering in particular is one that i think would be hardest for raph to actually bring up/talk about with his family. because none of them were there. none of them KNOW. and how do you explain that to them? how do you try to make yourself break that out when they’re already worried about the other stuff that happened to you and to everyone else? when part of you is guilty about it despite yourself, because so much of your identity is tied into being a protector that you can’t help but feel like you should have been able to wall that info off somehow and keep your family safe?

- gets infected by the krang and put into the big gross pod to... incubate, i guess? there’s so much unanswered about the point between brain torture and getting found by his family tbh. was he conscious and aware of being left alone in there? was that why he was so out of it even before the mutation?

- and then of course there’s said painful, grotesque body horror forced krang mutation that he has to go through once he’s out of the pod! thanks i hated it! like it seriously looks so gross and painful.

- ah yes and the mind control... being used as a tool and a puppet and specifically set out to hurt or even kill the family he loves and wants to protect. 

- the standard “we had our cool epic boss fight against the evil alien but he kicked our asses with one flick and then punched mikey and donnie all the way to staten island” physical roughage, too. leo portaled him after mikey and donnie so he could catch them. donnie took the brunt of the krang punch, and raph took the brunt of the hard landing (he is holding his side like he might have some rib issues, they all look rough af down there phew)

- leo’s sacrifice is leo’s sacrifice and definitely a leo development moment as an action itself, i’m never gonna say 'yep here’s how leo getting brutalized in prison dimension is all about raph’. i’m talking about the like, aftermath and pre-rescue emotional toll that that has etc etc etc. ftr.

point one there is obviously just the grief. like, raph is literally incapable of standing when it hits. he’s on all fours, he can’t open his eyes. i made a post comparing the caps of raph’s face getting stabbed and raph’s face when it was sinking in that leo was (apparently) Gone gone bc the expressions are nearly identical. like just. absolute agony. 

- and on top of that, i sincerely think that leo’s “you’re one to talk, hero moves are totally your thing” apparent last words are gonna stick with raph for a very long time. even after they save leo. the look on his face after leo says that... man. i think there’s a very real moment of raph going what have i done, what did i teach him? about the entire situation.

the way this is already tl;dr oh well SO IG SOME OF MY GENERAL TAKEAWAYS AND THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO POST-MOVIE RAPH:

first and foremost. rip raph sufferer of some of the most intense eldest child syndrome i’ve ever seen. he feels bad that he got used to get his family’s location. he feels bad that he got used to harm and nearly kill his family. he probably feels bad that leo feels bad that his shell is damaged, smh. it’s guilt all the way down. the kind where he knows logically his family does not want or need apologies, that getting controlled was literally not his fault, but he feels bad anyway.

and like i said i get how it’s hard to get a handle on him for stuff, because raph is also... not super good at the emotional vulnerability sharing? it’s so wild because he’s very openly emotional and easy to read! he’ll cry during a sad movie scene and yell at a frustrating video game no problem, he’s very straightforward! but when it comes to sincere vulnerability and actually seeking comfort/closure about it, he has a big struggle vibe. good luck to the entire family bc every single brother is gonna be in a “oh but everyone else already has so much to deal with i don’t wanna pile more on with my problems” zone, i think. 

also just like. raph is a protector. that’s one of the core pillars of his sense of identity and worth. he takes care of his brothers. he keeps his family safe. and so so so much of what he went through or experienced in the movie went directly against that. raph, the big brother, the beating heart of the team, the one who takes hits, the overprotective mother hen, gets used to track down his family, and then gets used to hurt them. very nearly gets used to kill leo outright. isn’t there to take the hit for leo again at the end of the movie, is helpless as his little brother seemingly sacrifices his life to save them and the world. how does he come to terms with that? how does he feel like he still deserves the trust and faith that his family puts in him to keep being a rock? (they’re not scared of him, but he’s scared of him.)

and for real seriously how does he ever ever get around to dealing with that brain probe and the mutation specifically. his mind and his bodily autonomy got so deeply violated in the process of this movie. it’s scary! and painful! what kind of scenario would a writer even have to rig up to back him into enough of a corner to share those feelings with his family (who would absolutely want to comfort and support him)! it’s nightmarish stuff that’s gonna linger with him for the rest of his life. 

and in fact on the mutuation/mind control. i think the fact that leo was able to get through to raph just with words, that that was how he managed to break through the control, maybe means that raph was aware of what he was being made to do all along and just. unable to pull enough strength together to stop it before that point. woof.

idk idk if any of this makes real sense or helps for getting a handle on raph’s character at all tbh, it’s just a lot of me nonsensically putting him in a jar with a leaf and a stick for scientific observation ig. if ppl wanna hit me w questions or discussions about my personal opinions on my favorite boi feel free tbh

maybe the real raph character analysis was the hug and nightmare-free nap he probably desperately needs all along....... ah its too late hes dissociating on the couch. relatable.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

My Thoughts On Canon-Mammon From S2-EP7 Of Helluva Boss Part 1

[Note: This Is For Mature Audience Readers Only, even if I could switch the labels from "Everyone" to "Mature", it might okay as it is for now.......but seriously, this will be for Mature Audience Readers Only. also it is optional to read the whole talking about the episode in this post along with the off topic stuff in this, so only read this if you want to.]

first I want to say Happy Halloween before I give my thoughts on the episode, also if some fans haven't seen it yet, don't read this until after you watched the episode. :)

gotta say, Mammon might seem like a big adorkable goober of a goofball jester, but he is also a jerk.

I know I still want to call dibs on the Mammon from our dimension, cause I still want to punch him below the belt....

even if it is normal to be a bit greedy, but NO one and I mean NO one messes with my Caffeine....and it sucked that they had raised the price on the Coca-Cola, which with that and certain prices that is raised a bit too high at times, can ya blame me thinking that Mammon is involved.

I may be a Defective Earth Angel who doesn't work at 100% like other Earth Angels, and I gave myself the nicknames "Eveningstar Princess" and "The Embodiment Of Weirdness" and there is the whole my still procrastinating with that whole checking to see if my blood type will come out O RH D Negative for a third type...

because who would look forward to getting their finger or thumb pricked by a needle...? and I know I have mentioned before the last few times we tried to check but finally got it right and it was successful, I ended up feeling not so great when doing that blood type test, but I learned to keep my eyes closed and that is what I'm going to do when we finally get around to doing that blood type test again...

but anyway, I might be a Defective Earth Angel but it doesn't mean I like being pushed around...and I don't like having my past lives not being protected properly.

I mean if it were still possible, I would still want to give Lucifer the cold hands to face punishment for doing that rebellion right in the middle of the imbalance between the Masculine and Feminine energies, that is linked to the dethroning of The Goddess and as well as about the Indo-Europeans, like I said before...

I learned about it from that book called "Stones Of The Goddess: Crystals for The Divine Feminine" by Nicholas Pearson.

but I don't want to take slag from Mammon, and if it were possible, I would tackle him to the ground and while he is on his back, I would slap him silly....

and well, if the Mammon from Helluva Boss were real, I would want to call dibs on his butt as well just so I can kick it.

well, I know I never really kicked anyone's butt in real life....unless you count video games.

I know that once I had to be held back when someone was bullying one of my family members, I guess I wasn't really thinking during that time but the moment I saw it, I think I got really mad and when I was about to go over to them, I was being held back....

I know I was a weird baby as well, and I know I gave my Mom a few surprises after I was born....one of them being on how big I was...

my hair turned out to be a golden color...

I said I started to call myself the "Embodiment Of Weirdness"

well if ya knew how weird I was when I was a baby and did some freaky stuff not very long after I was born, you freak out as well...

like being told that while laying on my belly, I kept raising my arms up to my head and resting my head on them....and I know I wasn't a year old when that happen because what I had been told about it.

it's like a mix of cute and freaky, well it did freak my family out but they also thought it was really cute.

it be funny if that happen with Charlie from Hazbin Hotel, picture Lucifer freaking out and telling Lilith. XD

or if Adam the Leader of the Exterminators, had a baby and he witnesses the same thing and starts freaking out.

or if Ozzie and Fizz adopt a baby, and they see the same thing and start freaking out even more than Lucifer and Adam.

that would be funny and adorable.

and speaking of Fizz, I know he looked up to Mammon, but it's too bad he couldn't see through Mammon.

but at least the relationship between Ozzie and Fizz became open.

and they kissed on the lips, and it seems that everyone in that universe who ended up learning that Ozzie loved Fizz...

it got every hellborn present fangirling, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them yelled out "YES!!! MY OTP SHIP IS CANON!"

I mean come on, ya can't be surprised that those two would have real supporters both from our dimension and from that universe. XD

of course now I have the weird idea about wanting to ship Mammon with Molly, Angel's twin sister.

and believe me, I have some weird ideas on how that Mammolly would go.

and yeah the ship name just came to me just now.

and besides being weird, I know I'm still paranoid about the Asmodeus from our dimension....and I have good reason to be of him.

like worrying about if he would try to seduce me and make me fall for him, only for it to be a trick and trap because it is some sick and twisted revenge plan on King Solomon.

and yeah, in case no one read the parts that had me talking about it before and ask "what does that have to do with King Solomon...?"

the reason I believe that Asmodeus would want to do that, like use me as revenge on him.....it's because I'm one of King Solomon's descendants.

I guess I should try not to think about that too much and just me being paranoid.....but I still think that not being able to take that throne is more of a blessing and not really a curse at all.

I mean even if I'm somehow right about Asmodeus wanting revenge on King Solomon, he could pick anyone of his descendants, not just me.....though it is possible not all of his descendants would end up being Earth Angels, even a Defective Earth Angel.

and yeah as weird as it might be, I have a small crush on Ozzie and Fizz from Helluva Boss, but I still want them to be together.

I mean there are different levels of crushes, and not all of them would be close to the point of being really in love.

just like there is different levels of fans, there are the safe and dangerous ranks of them.

even those who are the mild-crazy fans are a bit more safer than the really REALLY bad types, like that guy we see in that new episode who couldn't take a "No" and was obviously a stalker from what Blitz had mentioned what he was doing at his and Fizz's dressing room.

well at least Blitz was there to protect Fizz.

I can't help but think I might be the same height as those two, or even a inch shorter than them.

I know I'm suppose to be 5'5" and once I thought I was 5'6" but apparently I wasn't...

plus whenever I see my shadow on the wall or door, I notice how dang short I am and even when I take my shoes off I seem even shorter, like stepping out of them makes me look like I lost some height just a bit.

if it turns out Blitz and Fizz are around 5'6" I might end up being surprised, cause it would mean I was right about them being around my height.....well more like them being a bit taller than me.

hey, I'm weird and that is one of the weird thoughts that pop into my head.

and Angel is like way taller than those two, he could probably pick me up like a doll. O_O

and I can't help but think that Arackniss might be even taller than me.

like for all I know, he could be a inch taller than me.

but anyway, I loved the episode that Mammon appeared on, and it had a very touching moment in it that showed such a sweet side of Fizz when he was using sign language to a little Impling boy who wanted to be just like him, and it was both sweet and a surprise that Fizz knew sign language, and he was able to understand what that boy was saying, but I think they gave Fizz some comfort because they were a fan that not only looked up to him but also treated him as a person.

Fizz would make a good parent someday, I mean even if it doesn't happen in the canon, it can in the fanon and yeah fans have made Fizz and Ozzie have children of their own in the Fanon Timelines.

and I'm guessing that Fizz was worried what everyone would say or think if they found out that he and Ozzie were dating and that they loved each other, I mean his face kind of gave that worry away after Ozzie admit that he was in love with him.

but instead of getting "boos" and "looks of disgust" they ended up with a lot of Hellborns being all happy and fangirling.

I really wouldn't be surprised now, that some of their fans had been shipping them and seeing that their ship is canon, might of ended up going into a fangirl coma.

like picture after Ozzie admitting he loves Fizz, and a fangirl gets so happy she faints into a fangirl coma and one of those goats with the candles on their heads while wearing a doctor coat, ends up having to revive her and yells out "CLEAR!" and then the shocks to the fangirl's body starts to happen and keeps happening until she comes out of the fangirl coma....even if that doesn't really happen for a coma, but maybe that can be for a fangirl coma in cartoons.

I wonder if Glitz and Glam will end up being Mammon's "Harley Quinn Twins" well I guess I'm curious about that.

Mammon did seem a bit s*xist in the start of the episode, wouldn't be surprised if he still is.

I mean I don't know if he would laugh at this joke

"what do you call a skeleton out in the snow....?"

........."chilled to the bone."

I had posted a undertale fan art before over at another place that had that joke.

it was a few years ago when I came up with that joke.

I think Fizz had viewed Mammon as a type of Father Figure, but from what was going on in the episode, it doesn't seem so now.

Fizz having a panic attack, must of been scary for him and even having to pretend he was okay in front of Mammon.

at least Fizz didn't hit his head on a ceiling of a car during it...

cause once again I had a panic attack in 2015, of course I don't think I figured out it was a panic attack until much later.

and yeah even though I didn't have one while in the car this year, while being alone and waiting for family to come back, I still hated how long it seem they were taking and I got that weird feeling where my heart is.....I don't think it is anxiety, so my family could be wrong about that.

but at least I was able to fully control myself and try to keep calm, well as calm as I could be.

and there is reasons why I don't like being outside alone, even when just waiting in the car.

even if both Fizz and I have different reasons to get panic attacks, but it's good that Blitz and Ozzie were there for him when he needed it.

and well besides wanting to punch Mammon from Helluva Boss, below the belt, I also want to flip him the double bird.

even if my own Dad wasn't really around and I only met him once, Mammon would make him and even my Possible Soul-Dad better and not so bad at being a father figure.

like it can still be possible I was made up of fused soul fragments, and one of them being from my Earth Angel Mom....

I might be weird but I'm also a very weird experience. XD

anyway, I don't want to give everything away from that new episode.

but I can't help to want to view the Fanon-Mammon as "Mammon Jr." and being the Canon-Mammon's Son in the Fanon Timeline.

just picture Canon-Mammon yelling out "Oh, Junior!" when yelling for Fanon-Mammon who then yells "Shut up Dad! I'm texting Robo-Fizz!"

yeah, I'm weird for thinking about that, but I like that idea.

it's okay not everyone agrees about that weird idea that the two Mammons become like Father & Son.

at least in the episode Fizz and Ozzie had those cute moments and even kissed.

seriously you two, stop being so freaking adorable, your going to cause some fans to go into a fangirl coma. XD

even if some of those who go into a fangirl coma, turn out to be fanboys or fan-enboys or fan-enbirls.

Enboy is Nonbinary-Boys & Enbirls are Nonbinary-Girls.

I think I will talk about my thoughts about the episode that Canon-Mammon (nickname Mammon Sr.) first appeared in, more some other time.

I really need to hurry up and post this now, so I can get a Crossover ship drawing post next before Halloween is over with and it becomes tomorrow.

so yeah, if some ended up reading this, hope you like the whole idea bout Mammon Sr. and Mammon Jr., as well as talking about my thoughts about Ozzie admitting he loves Fizz, had ended up sending someone into a fangirl coma, don't know what type of hellborn they would be, so they could be a Imp or any other type of hellborn that ends up in that fangirl coma.

Fizz might of not been expecting so many to be so happy for him and Ozzie, but even if some aren't, the Fizz x Ozzie shippers could out number the ones that might not be happy about it.

so Striker, Stella, Andrea and a few others in that universe who aren't happy about those two being together, might end up being out numbered by the ones who supports their love.

anyway when I can, I will talk more about the episode where Mammon Sr. appeared in, but it might be a while.

cause I think I will wait a bit longer before I talk about certain spoilers from that episode.

also how the whole Fanon-Mammon could be that version's son in the Fanon Timelines (But NOT in the Canon-Timeline)

has to do with a fragmenting a part of Mammon Sr., ya know like his soul or whatever he has....

so kind of being what happen with Asmodeus Sr. from our dimension, which if info is true, it would be King Solomon that caused it, I will have to look it up again.

also I'm going to make this post into a Part 1, and when I can I will write Part 2 of this...

[forthesanityofstorytellers]

Footsteps of a Stranger

Written in 2019 to be part of an anthology that I don't think ever quite got off the ground. Spawned a good character, tho. Inspired by the Noir Princesses art by Ástor Alexander. I have a version that's broken into chunks but also decided to just post the thing in full for anyone that wants to read it in one go

[[Character Introduction: Becks]]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

WC Total: 6289 Warnings: There's guns/shooting, light description of burns

--------------------------------

It was the sound of teeth cracking on knuckles that caught my attention. I had found a place to camp out, having tailed a pair of crumbs over to a local farmhouse to finish out my last case. They walked the streets all day, trying to lay low and failing. When dusk fell, they headed this way, and now they were punching up the farmhand’s face.

Sliding a hunting rifle from her case, I lined up the shot and let lead fly. The bullet hit the bullseye, and creep number one grabbed his shoulder with a yelp. Thug number two looked around with a snarl, fists at the ready. That was when my partner showed up, pistol drawn, and trained on his ugly mug. They traded threats, my partner an expert at this kind of dance. Thug two made for him and got a cheek of led from me as a result.

Creep one had recovered and put both hands up, ready to squeal on his boss. I saw him look up and open his mouth, only for a gunshot to cut him off. He slumped to the ground, my partner instantly ducking while I scanned the forest. There wasn’t a trace of anyone but us and the farmers.

My eye went back to my partner, relieved at the sight of Thomas moving without a hitch. He hadn’t taken a hit, and was checking on the farmers. With a smile, I packed up my rifle and slung the case over my shoulder.

We worked well together, Thomas and I. He made a great face for our snooper jobs because he was white as paint and had a set of danglers in the right place. I made a great shadow, because I was a dame with skin brown as the forest. But I was the one with the rifle, and he was the one with the heart. We worked well together.

Thunder rolled across the sky. The case was finished. Thomas knew the clean-up. Time for my favorite after-hours jig: an honest hunt. I preferred the serene set of nature and the calm concentration of a hunt to the bustle and noise of my city. I could never quite understand those who lived day in and out under cement and stone. Then again, I was a mix of two worlds; my father was a human true enough, but my mother was an earth spirit. I had chosen not to follow in her footsteps, a choice I questioned every sunrise.

I hustled into the forest, leaning into the hunt in order to refresh my instincts and aiming to find the way before the rain fell. I wasn’t too far off. The rain began as I found a trail of hoof prints. Following them led to a deer and fawn grazing among the trees. Rare, this day and age. They began to die out around here in the 30’s, and twenty years later you were considered blessed if you saw one. Settling into a crouch, I crept forward until I was in position and swung my rifle into my hands. I aimed. Took a steadying breath.

I hesitated. Once.

Once was all you ever got in life.

Something in the distance crashed, and the deer was gone, running into the forest with the little one on her heels. I tensed, shifting enough to look around. Heat rolled through the brush, though I saw no fire. Someone ran by. A human. Rain glinted off his shoes, a white coat splashed with mud. That was all I caught before he was gone.

With that, my hunt was blown. I glanced up through the rain to spot movement in the treetops. I blinked water out of my eyes once. Twice.

A shot rang out.

-

The walk back was cold and lonely. Not many folk out this time of morning. Not many with a reason to be. A small pair of squirrels were slung over my shoulder by the tails, my only show for the whole night. Not that it mattered. I was the only one eating wild game. Thomas was a lamb and did his best to eat clean.

The rain was clearing, a fog spreading across the streets as the sun came up. My office loomed from the mist, a solid brick blending into the shops around it. It was the closest thing I had to a home out here, the private office doubling as a bedroom with a rollout.

I got there first, dragging the rain in behind me. It may have finally stopped, but I was soaked through and couldn’t stop the parade of water leaving a dark stain of evidence as to my path.

My coat added a sloppy circle around the coat rack as I slung it into place, hanging the squirrels above it and sliding my rifle against the doorframe. I nabbed a dirty towel from a nearby chair and wiped down, squeezing the rest of the rain from my black hair. The sun finally rose outside the window, golden light catching in the thick fog. I could barely see the street below. I switched on the nearby radio and began to change.

Danny Kaye was finishing up Civilization when a knock came at the door. I closed my private office and went to answer. The man standing opposite was shorter than me, clean-shaven with brown hair dangling down to his cheekbones while his baby-blues stared up at me.

"Morning, Miss Becka!" he greeted me with a smile, placing his umbrella next to my rifle. He shook his coat off and slipped off his hat, placing them both on the coat rack. "How's things?"

I tapped the door with a knuckle, showing off the wide letters on the glass window that read “R. E. Beck”. “You know that isn’t my real name, Mr. Bayle. Just a bit of gobbledygook to throw off the fuddy-duddies and fat-heads so both of us can work and eat in this town.”

"I -- I know ma’am. And you know Becka is easier for me to say.”

I smiled and moved to one side. “I suppose Matoaka is a bit of a mouthful for you.” He nodded his thanks, ducking as he squirreled his way inside. “Although you’ve been working with me long enough to have figured out how to say it by now, haven’t you, doll?”

“You would think so,” he said, immediately going to the desk and eyeing the papers. “Yet ‘Rebecka’ has always rolled out easier.”

I swung the door closed, Thomas rifling through the papers. “Good job staying on the beam last night. How were the farmers?”

“Shaken, but good. No harm.”

“Close the case with them?”

He nodded, glancing up at me. “Easy as pie, boss. Especially since the pair attacking them are now both dead. Almost an open and shut case. They’ll be coming by to pay the last of our fee and give their thanks.”

“Then I’ll wait in the wings when they come, per usual.” I didn’t like the feeling of hiding, but this was part of the business. We got more clients once we made the switch and came up with a name that could be either of us, which meant more money came in on a regular basis. He never treated me like the other guys, mostly because he wasn’t like the other guys. He was fine acting the stiff gumshoe for the clients, and so was I as long as I got to wear the shoes.

I heard a shuffle of carpet by the door and started towards the back out of habit, assuming it was our client. They had us investigating a murder of an uncle, someone that owned a farm out near the border of cement and woodland. The police had written it up as a hunting accident, something I was able to disprove, mostly on the grounds that the uncle didn’t hunt and his farm was nowhere near hunting grounds. I had tracked down the triggerman and closed the case, but couldn’t shake the suspicion of something larger going on.

“Uh...Miss Becka?”

The stammer caught my next step, halting it from its goal. I turned to see Thomas kneeling by the door, poking at a small enveloped package. I joined him, giving it a quick check with my magic sense before touching it.

The contents were bits and pieces of a puzzle I recognized: reports about a recent string of farms closing down only to get bought by a local landshark company. Sitting next to them were pictures of several forest fires.

I dug around our desk, pulling reports I had already dug up on the fires. All began at night, with no specific start. There had been one a night for about three nights last week. They stopped as suddenly as they started. These new reports furthered a suspicion I was already building: the fires were in relation to the farms not selling.

While I stared, Thomas tossed another component onto the desk. A handful of reports from the company itself. Things I hadn't been able to get my hands on so long as I wanted to keep them clean. But these had showed up on their own.

I turned to Thomas. "Anything else?"

 He held up a single page with a handcrafted note. "Take a close look," he read aloud. "You might find someone you recognize." He hesitated. "Someone you recognize?"

 I looked again, asking idly, "What's the ink at the bottom?"

 "Uh…" he scanned it before flipping it around, "J.Smith."

 Hah. Anonymous. Luckily smoke never threw me from the trail. I scanned the pictures but found no overly familiar faces. A knock came at the door, and I barely noticed a poke at my shoulder.

"The clients," Thomas reminded me.

Ah. Right. That was my cue to keep up appearances and scram. I gathered the notes and envelope from my guy, taking it all into the back room to look over. "No new clients after them," I said over my shoulder. "Get the money and toss ‘em back."

 He nodded, the doors taking turns opening and closing.

I spread things out on the floor, crossed my legs and sat. Someone I recognize…? There was no one. Not anyone overly familiar. I recognized some of the faces from the ones in town but only from flashes of exposure. I wouldn’t say I knew them.

My eyes slid from the faces to the forest. Trees sat stacked on top of another, the trunks bitten away by flames. The empty husks sat in the pictures, black and white and grey displaying the cruel nature of life. Smoke was rising from the branches in thick, black clouds, and…

Wait a minute.

I peered closer.

Got up.

Grabbed a magnifying lens, I fixed it over the corner of the mess. Among the blackened tangle of branches was a different kind of limb−the kind that belonged to an earth sprite. Someone had caught an earth sprite in the fire and subsequently killed it. How did I miss this?

I shook my head. Doesn’t matter. I shuffled through the papers and found where this photo had been taken, gathering a few things I might need. I needed to see the site; if this was intentional, it was murder on a different level. And I was one of the only ones who could follow these tracks to the truth.

The smell of destruction still lingered, even days after the fire had been put out. The blackened heart of smoke had stained the trees, the nubs, the soil, and it seemed to cloud the very sky. Dragging my sickened stomach along, I stepped into the hollow husks and began to explore. The sprite in me twisted in turmoil as I walked, but I had to know. There was something here if that letter was right. Something I missed the first time.

I didn’t see it until I was well into the destruction. Bending down to inspect the forest floor, I spotted a different kind of broken limb; it looked human. Didn’t make sense; they had accounted for all the people in the area, dead and alive. So this was humanoid but not human. A quick examination revealed a bark-like texture along the skin, including small moss pieces grown from the skin itself. At least...that’s what it looked like under the burn marks.

So the ‘someone I recognized’ wasn’t a person. The letter was referring to a fellow earth sprite caught in the fire. Which shouldn’t have happened, as they are among the first to sense a threat to their forests and usually flee. Sprites are better at healing than fighting. I had to wonder why this one hadn’t had time for either.

Something clinked under my fingers−something metallic. Numbness shot up my fingers, and I jerked back, shaking my hand and peering at the spot. There was a metallic cuff wrapped around the wrist, scorch marks running up and down the broad sides of the cuff. I tapped it again with a curious finger with the same result.

I heard footsteps behind me and grabbed the arm, yanking the cuff free and stuffing it into my coat pocket. Just in time.

“Excuse me,” the tone was high-bred. British. Snobby. “I do believe this area is off limits.”

I stood and turned, taking in a white tailored business suit and shoes so clean they looked out of place. Something clinked as he moved, watching me with haughty superiority between his bushy eyebrows and a nose to rival an eagle’s beak.

“Excuse me,” I echoed his pretentious politeness, “but the forest is open to all.”

He smirked. “Not anymore. This land was bought by my company after the fire. We offered to handle all the restoration, and the city heartily agreed.”

“And what company is that?”

Instantly whipping out a card, he held it out. “Virginia Co.”

I took it with a glance. “And you’re what? The representative?”

“David Ratcliffe,” he answered with a sniff. “I own the company.”

My eyebrows went up. “The big boss, huh?”

“Yes. And you’re still standing on private property.” He held out a hand to direct me away, trying to both escort me and shoo me. I went with it, having no real reason to argue; the body hidden among this wreckage was a signpost of which trail to follow, and this Ratcliffe had given me footsteps in the mud.

--

“David Ratcliffe,” I repeated the name to Thomas while sorting through my files. “Apparent owner of Virginia Co.”

“Oh,” he said, the pages from our mysterious tipper spread out in front of him. “They’re the land sharks that set up shop a few years ago...an offshoot of a company overseas, I think. And they’re the ones trying to buy up local farms.” He tapped me on the shoulder with a pile of papers.

Company reports. “So,” I mused, thumbing through them, “they’ve been putting money into buying up the land right outside of the city, including any farms still in residence.” I glanced at the location of all the farms that had been vandalized or had the owners suddenly die off and back at the Company reports. They had made bids that were ultimately rejected by the same farms. Suspicious coincidence, of course, but not enough for the local police to be concerned about.

“So...they’ve been buying up land and possibly committing crimes against those that won’t sell,” Thomas mused, thumbnail pressed between his teeth. “But what about the forest fire? And the sprite you found?”

I had been wondering about it myself. According to their records, all the places that suffered from wildfires had been bought up by the Virginia Company years before. The news articles in my own stores all boasted the Company declaring land preservation with each purchase. I was always bothered with big money buying up the forests inhabited by earth sprites, but had little recourse; very few humans knew about the world behind the curtain, and had proven they’d rather remain ignorant than admit they were at fault for a population’s decline. Both sides of my heritage were proof enough.

Regardless, it made little sense why they’d start setting fires on land they owned.

I shifted my seat and felt something shift in one of my pockets: the cuff I found. I turned my pocket inside out and let it clatter to the ground, catching Thomas’s interest. He picked it up and began turning it over in his hands, glancing up at me with eyebrows raised.

“What’s this?”

“Not sure; found it attached to the dead sprite. I think it might be the reason why it was dead.” Thomas dropped it with a startled look, and I shook my head. “No, not poison. I think it’s iron.”

“Iron? How can you tell?

“It blocks magic,” I explained, nudging it with a finger. Cold spread through the tip of my index up to my knuckle. “I’m not affected as badly, but it still gives me a chill the way no other metal does.”

“So someone put this on the sprite, and...it died?”

I shook my head. “No, but it kept the sprite from healing the forest. Probably kept it from healing itself after it was caught in the fire.”

“Which means whoever started the fire knows about sprites and how to stop them.” He said exactly what I had been thinking, which put a different spin on this whole case.

“Exactly,” I said, gathering up the papers and watching Thomas start to do the same. “I need more information.”

“What are our questions?” The response was automatic, and I was grateful. He was becoming a decent investigator−more of a partner than an assistant.

“The contents of the forests that burned,” I began, sliding the papers back into their folders. “What’s so important about them, about the farms that have been bought up. And, if we can, keep your ears open for humans that know about sprites and magic. We may be looking at something more serious than a human-on-human squabble.”

He nodded, standing and getting our coats. “I’ll hit the local spots. See if Meeks and Flint know anything.”

I took my coat, swinging it over my shoulders as I headed out the door. “Good. I’ll visit our friend in the forest and see if she can blow away some smoke.”

-

“Blue?” I called her name for the tenth time, wandering through the heart of the forest. “Where are you?”

A cold wind blew across my back, the hairs on my neck instantly rising from the chill. It was inexplicably cold for the season, and I knew why.

“Quit playing around, Blue,” I shouted. The wind grew to a low moan, enough to shake the trees and shower me with leaves. I shrugged my shoulders, turning around. “Alright, fine. I had a puzzle for you, but if you’re not interested…”

The forest immediately died down, the cold vanishing into a humid mist. Something formed inside the mist, not completely but enough to see a humanoid shape about as tall as a child, with small points of light emanating from where the eyes should have been. There she was: Blue. The resident wind sprite.

“...puz-zle?” The word was whispered through the branches with the slightest brush of wind, a chill accompanying the breath. Blue stared, waiting.

I turned, hand on hip. “Forest fires around here. All the land was ‘owned’ by a company claiming preservation, so it’s hard to see why they’d set fire to their cause. The latest fire held the body of an earth sprite, iron cuff around the wrist. There are also humans getting harmed and killed when they won’t give up their homes to said company, which winds up buying the land anyway. Here’s the puzzle: is this a human-against-human problem or a human-against-sprite problem?”

"Both," she breathed. "Or neither. Related?"

"Everything's related," I snorted. "I'm just not sure how these events are related.”

A puff of air swished from one side to the other, Blue shaking her head. Or maybe that was supposed to be hair. “No. Related to you.”

“Me?”

“Nevermind.” A short sigh made the trees sag from the wind, Blue’s form wavering before coming upright again. “Company comes into forest where sprites live. Sprites cause trouble. Men leave, come back with cuffs to trap sprites. Remove the problem. They like removing problems.”

“So why the fires?”

“One problem they can’t remove.” Blue stumbled on that last word, her form shifting as the mist began to clear. “Old wound keeps coming undone. Open scratches. Some wounds must be burnt away.” The mist cleared, her form evaporating with a blast of air. “Bor-ring puz-zle,” the wind moaned. “Bohr-ring Puz-zle!!”

I was already on my way out, leaving the forest behind in a hurry. Blue liked puzzles, but if she found them boring enough she would throw a tantrum, sometimes in the form of tornadic cyclones. While she was busy wailing about my puzzle being a boring one, I was already on the path leading back to the city. She had given me some clues, but I wanted to see what Thomas came up with before trying to draw the complete picture.

--

Thankfully, we ran into each other in the middle of the street.

“Oh,” he puffed, “good, I found you.” Short gasps of air inserted themselves between words. Made me wonder what he was doing between here and there. “Meeks had...nothing. Wasted perfectly good...cookies.” He took a deep breath to steady himself, standing straight. “Flint was more help. He didn’t know anything about the fires, but heard something on the street about the Virginia Company hiding toxic waste in nearby forests−apparently to the point of poison. Flint remembers a few sick orphans in the house when he got there, and no one could pinpoint anything aside from said poison.”

“Interesting,” I muttered, “but it doesn’t really draw a complete image.”

“Except the sick ones warned him not to go in the forest or drink any water coming from the river. That’s how they got whatever they got.”

I nodded, motioning for him to follow. “Alright, then. One last bit of snooping and we should be able to see the bottom of this barrel.”

He immediately was a clip on my heels. “Where are we going?”

I tugged out a business card and flipped it to face him. “Where erosion likes to show itself: to the very head of the beast.”

The company building loomed near the edge of the forest like a tombstone marking the slow death of nature herself. The windows were carved into the industrial-looking front, gleaming like several pairs of eyes in the growing dusk. Paved stones led to the double-doors. An invitation into the unknown.

“Plan as usual?”

I nodded. “Plan as usual.”

Letting out a stern cough and tugging at the front of his duster, Thomas strode forward with me in tow. This world respected him more than I, and I was not one to leave an advantage on the table. He hammered on the doors until they opened, the secretary unmoved and unconcerned at his demanding to see the man in charge. She shook her head, tried to tell him Ratcliffe wasn’t in, but he insisted and managed to push past her. I played the part of the underling and apologized. She shook her head and ran after him, trying to stop Thomas’s tirade down the halls.

I took my advantage in quick succession with a quick glance around. The poor frazzled woman was tasked with keeping this base upright on her own, it seemed. No one to help her make the appointments, or keep track of the workers, or file all the necessary documents in a timely manner. A small cubby to the side was stuffed with stacks of paper, hidden away so that her desk remained clean and efficient.

I went to the wall-shelves and began to fish around for the company’s history, opening each drawer and flipping through the contents as speedily as I could, looking for anything that had to do with fires or poison. I may have missed several opportunities for evidence, as I could hear the scuffle down the hall escalate, other men’s voices adding to the mix.

Nothing. There was no hidden treasure, no secret information tucked away in the files to make my case. The closest I had was a small invoice of payments to someone who used to work for the city.

Wait. Wait wait wait...here was a small mark noting the purchase of a hunting rifle, same as mine. This company wouldn’t need a hunting rifle unless they planned on hunting, and I doubt anyone here liked to hunt animals.

The voices were coming closer. I pocketed the invoice and mark before stepping to the door, hands behind my back and waiting calmly.

“...last time I come here, you just see!” Thomas yelled behind him, the blonde secretary following him back to the door.

“...so sorry, I’ll see he gets notified of…” she hesitated, thick curls hugging her head like a straw-colored helmet even as she glanced back at her desk and at me. “...I’m sorry, I didn’t catch--”

“No need,” he said stiffly, adjusting his hat as he strode out the door. “We’re done here.” I gave a slight bow and followed him.

“So?” he asked as soon as we turned away from the monstrosity. “You find anything?”

I heaved a shake and sigh, hands slipping into my pockets. “Very little. No phone calls, no lawsuits, nothing except an invoice with no notes and nothing big enough to be considered a payoff. The closest I found was a note linking the company to the purchase of a hunting rifle, but no proof that anyone used it out of bounds.” I glanced at him out the side of my eye. His brows were down, and he kept looking behind us. “You?”

“Found some mud in Ratcliff’s office. Right on the edge of the forest, so it makes sense…” He shook his head. Hesitated. Looked directly at the land on the other end of the street.

“What is it?”

“The assistant...said he went out earlier and hadn’t been back. Missed a few calls. She seemed...almost worried. As if something was wrong.”

I followed his gaze, looking over the forest. “Let’s go back and ask.”

“What?”

I smiled as I turned around. “A good tracker has to understand what they’re tracking as well as notice their surroundings.” I paused. “Plus, it never hurts to ask.”

We got back with a few jogging strides, Thomas going back in without me. She would be more inclined to think she had to answer him, and I seemed to make her uncomfortable. I waited, looking back out over the land and watching an orange hue burn the sky into a golden dusk.

Wait.

Was that…?

I peered at the horizon, just above the nearby treetops. And I was right. A small trail of smoke was growing deep in the forest, curling like a thin tail wagging in the breeze. Fire. Someone had started a new fire.

Thomas emerged at a dead run, jabbing a finger at the forest. “He’s there, he’s there!”

We took off together, headed directly for the thickening smoke. The air grew hotter as we traveled, more humid as we neared an open angry flame. Small sparks had already licked at a few branches, the edges of the leaves curled in burnt agony. I slowed as we neared, spotting a flickering flame directly ahead. It raged and dimmed before raging again, as if someone were controlling its intensity. I motioned for Thomas to slow down and move around one side, while I moved the other direction.

I crept along, skirting the forest as best I could. I was keenly aware that my only weapon was my short pistol, good for close-up but not quite meant for longer-range shots. If this got ugly from a distance, I would be in trouble.

I got close enough to hear someone talking. No, two someones. Ratcliffe was there in front of the fire. I could see he was kneeling, bent over and cowering on the ground. But I couldn’t see anyone else around the fire. So who was the second?

“...told you, I didn’t know!!”

“Of course you didn’t,” the second voice seethed as the flame got bigger. “How could you? We don’t exist, remember?” A spit of flame separated, swirling out into the night and singeing the above branches.

Don’t exist?

Ratcliffe bowed, head scraping the forest floor, voice trembling under the weight of attempted humility. “I am...so sorry…about your family…”

Flames lashed out, striking him across the face. He grabbed at the burns and screamed, reeling back. “Don’t you talk about my family!!” the second voice screamed. “We happily lived in our forests until you came along and dumped a pile of toxic waste at our door!”

The fire began to spin, swirling faster and faster as the voice rose in pitch. “Because of you, my family’s dead. Because of you, I turned into this!” It raged into the sky, towering over him and bending around in a spiral. “Your poison soaked into my body and warped me, and the fire you used to try and kill me only made me this. Made me this!!!”

Oh. Oh no. Don’t tell me this was what I thought it was.

The fire died down until it was the size of a human, dimming until dark embers cascaded along a two-legged, humanoid figure. The body was twisted with burns like a roasted tree, the skin bumpy and wooden. Each movement creaked and groaned, the splintered remains of branches still sticking out from the back of its skull.

It was an earth sprite...or what used to be one. If I understood her raging monologue right, she was the evidence of Ratcliffe’s company dumping waste where they shouldn’t have. It crept into her as it had crept into the forest she guarded, and the fires nearby were a result of Ratcliffe trying to get rid of her.

A charred stump of a finger stabbed at him, fire beginning to burn again as she stated, “even after you found out what was wrong, who was trying to fix the damage you caused, you only used that information to latch an iron cuff around my wrist−to trap me, to bury me in flames. Me!” The fire grew along her arm and ate away her image. “You don’t get to play the hero tonight.” The fire swirled around her head. “You don’t get to walk away from me now.” It grew into a formless flickering mass. “You won’t bury me tonight! Because I’ll be the one burying you!”

I hesitated.

Ratcliffe needed to answer for his crimes. I needed to bring him to the humans, get him to confess to them. This was something the city needed to know. There was a right and a wrong way to handle this.

But in the world of magic, the world I grew up in, there was a different sense of justice. You did wrong, you paid the price. Usually with your life. The sprite was doing nothing more than any other sprite.

Except this fire. I watched as the flames got bigger, caught the edges of the trees. Her rage would soon be the start of a wildfire, and that would cost innocent creatures their lives.

“Stop!” I blinked as Thomas’s voice rang out, lashing through the trees. The sprite halted, fire dimming as Thomas emerged with a hand out as if he was trying to steady the flames. “Everyone just...take it easy.”

A blast of heat swept his way as the sprite screamed, “Stay out of this!”

His head poked up from where he ducked, carefully moving forward as he talked. “Easy...I’m only here for him.” A stray finger pointed directly at Ratcliffe, who had now shrunk his cries into muffled whimpers.

“And I’m here for his head!” Another slice of flame cut through the air. Thomas dodged again, rolling to his feet and keeping a calm face as he continued to advance. I pulled at the pistol attached to my belt, crawling through the forest to find a better vantage point. “First he poisons me, then he tries to kill me, then I heard that he was buying up forests to cover his tracks. Well he won’t get away from me that easily!!”

“That’s wrong!” Thomas called out, trying to halt the sprite’s anger. “His company is buying forests to help preserve the land!”

Fire shot out over Thomas’s head, the tree bursting into flame. I pulled at my pistol and crept forward as the sprite spat fire, screaming, “Wrong. Wrong! He’s trying to cover his tracks through lies, buying the forests and telling you he’s preserving them when all he’s doing is making sure no one can find out about his dirty past!” She spun around to Ratcliffe and advanced, flames spitting in every direction as she moved. The forest was catching, the heat beginning to press. “You don’t get to be a hero by burying your past!!”

She reached for Ratcliffe, who was worming away in a last attempt for his life.

Thomas began to run between them, drawing his own weapon. She didn’t budge. She was going to burn both of them. Kill both of them.

I squeezed one eye shut and took a steadying breath.

Once was all you ever got in life.

A shot rang out.

--

Rain. It always seemed to soothe me in one way or another−little drops of starlight falling, glistening in the dull glow of the moonlight like tiny angels, plummeting towards the earth.

I stood under a sheltering cluster of branches, in a tiny bit of nature away from the city. It was far enough away, the light in the distance like a foggy memory of hope. Hope for anything new. But nothing was really new these days, was it? Memories haunted the foggy rain as I stared at the ground, where a small ring of rocks marked the grave of the tortured earth sprite. The gunshot still pounded my ears, the echo of a decision I made daily to exist in one world over the other.

The exceptions were on slow days like today. Today I was forced into a corner. Forced to reconsider my efforts. To live as a human knowing it might come at the expense of the sprites. To live as a sprite knowing my world was constantly shrinking...and one day may be gone.

I stood in the small corner of nature, standing long enough to grow roots. Didn’t move. Didn’t speak. Only listened and thought of my mother.

Something in the trees moved. I tensed, shifting my stance enough to look over my shoulder. Thomas emerged with a small smile and an umbrella. He stood next to me and extended the plastic shelter, letting the downpour fill our silence.

“Ratcliffe,” I finally said, hands in pockets and staring at the grave. “Did he confess?”

Thomas shook his head. “Of course not. But the evidence did enough talking for the police.”

I glanced at his shoulder, captured against his body by a white sling. “Sorry.”

He shook his head again, droplets flicking out of the brown mess of his hair. “Don’t worry about it, Miss Becka. It was a one-in-a-million shot you tried to pull, and this,” he shuffled his arm, “helps tell the story that Ratcliffe shot me.”

“True. But I wish for her sake we could snag him for dumping poison in the forests.”

Thomas smiled. “Don’t count me out yet, Miss.” I shot him a suspicious look, to which he smiled wider. “I may or may not have found out who he’s been hiring to dump the waste for him. And I bet once we link his assaulting farmers to the land-buying and dumping, he’ll be sorry he ever set his sights on this forest.”

“It won’t change the damage he’s already done,” I sighed. “Or bring any peace back to the sprite he shot.”

“Maybe not, Miss Becka,” Thomas answered, looking back to the grave. “Maybe not. But maybe these events will get ripple beyond what we can see. Death isn’t always the end, not when it can bring about change for the better.”

I nodded, glancing up at him. “I suppose that’s true. As long as we make sure it's a change for the better.”

“I have every confidence in you, Miss Becka.”

We stood there a moment longer, listening to the rain, watching as it struck the ground. The strong smell of fresh earth wafted into the air. As we watched, a small piece of earth twitched in the center of the grave. My hand went to my pistol, but there was no need. In the very center of the sprite’s resting spot, something began to emerge. A single twig poked its head from the ground, unfolding in the damp of the night into a strong sapling.

I let out a small laugh. “The last of her magic,” I muttered.

“What?”

“An old myth my father told me once: ‘Bury an earth sprite in the ground, respectfully mark it with rocks around, the last of their magic is new life found.’ He used to tell me every time we visited my mother’s grave. I never knew what to make of it, but…” I shook my head. Looked up at my assistant. “Nevermind. Let’s go, Mr. Bayle; we’ve got work to do.” Turning towards the distant halo of street lamps, I walked out into the night fog.

[uncaaj]

Fanfic: Beast of a World - Pilot (Beastars)

READ NOW ON AO3!

My Zoo Balances no longer made the floor creak as I stepped intently down the hall. My large bushy tail swished back and forth and no longer kicked up a small cloud of dust. I no longer had to hunch my back for the short ceilings, but I did anyway. 

Anticipation, anxiety, wonder, responsibility all settled onto my shoulders and into my head. Numerous doors were open with excited beasts mingling, both carnivore and herbivore, big and small, no longer as afraid for their lives. What would be waiting for me behind my door? After the whirlwind of a year I’d had with the ups and downs of coming to terms with who I truly am, and bringing down an entire institution in our city, I stopped in front of the entryway to the next chapter of my life and took a breath in and out.

I inserted the new key to room 504 of the newly renovated Beast Apartments and unlocked the door with a satisfying clunk. With a surge of adrenaline, I revealed my new home for the second first time ever. 

As was often the case, I struggled to find the right words to express what I felt. A light colored wood floor spread out in front of me, raised from where I stood by a step. The walls were plain white, untextured and awaiting its tenant’s personal touch. After a second, which felt like an eternity, I swallowed and blinked back to reality.

“It’s…bigger,” I said, my weighted voice coming out in a mere whisper.

“C’mon, man!” said Durham, coming to stand next to me in the doorway. “Compared to what it was? This is amazing!” He gestured an arm toward the empty apartment.

“I guess,” I responded, my arm coming to rest on my hip. 

“You don’t like it?” he asked.

Jack poked his nose through my arm. “Aw, he’s just having big feelings, right, Legoshi?”

I gasped at his sudden presence. “I-I mean-”

“What’s it look like?” asked Kolo.

“An empty apartment,” Durham snarked. 

Kolo jumped up behind me to look over us. I wasn’t expecting his weight on top of me and I lost my balance, taking everyone else to the floor with me in a dogpile.

We groaned for a moment until the sound of squeaky wheels coming to rest perked my ears up. Craning my neck as far as I could, I saw Boss on a luggage cart loaded with cardboard boxes. He gave us all a dirty look, brow creased, then vaulted onto the top of our dogpile. “Thanks for leaving me in the lobby, guys,” he grumbled.

+++

My name’s Legoshi. I’m a gray wolf. Well, gray wolf/Komodo dragon hybrid, but you’d never know that unless you know me. But I’ve come to know a lot of beasts in such a short time. I used to resign myself to the shadows, scared of myself and my place in the world around me, but so much has happened to me and because of me in so little time that I can’t think like that anymore. I have friends, family, love, and my own personal sanctuary, so it’s time to embrace life for all it’s worth and leave my world better than I found it.

+++

Move-in day was well underway, and I knew I’d want no other beasts to help me than my family from Cherryton Academy, the Room 701 Canines.

Jack set a box on the white stone countertop in my new expanded kitchenette. “How’s grandpa Gosha, by the way?”

“He’s doing good,” I said, knocking a loose fist against the wall, my intact ear pressed against it. “He wished I could stay longer once he heard renovations finished.” I removed my ear and it twitched. “Thicker walls.”

“You can tell?” asked Durham, heaving a box of his own.

“No, the landlord told me,” I said matter-of-factly.

Durham nodded. “Right.”

“You gonna cook a lot with your new kitchen?” asked Jack. 

“I suppose,” I said. What was formerly a mini fridge and portable one-burner stove in the corner was now a three-burner stovetop and full-sized fridge, with a proper cabinet unit to boot, terms I learned from Grandpa. “It would be cheaper than getting convenience store meals every day.”

“You work at an udon shop, though,” said Durham, giving me a playful punch. “Dinner’s taken care of right there, and it’s free!” Being an earth-colored coyote, he liked playing a little rough with us but we all knew him as a jovial, easygoing beast.

Kolo emerged from my new private bathroom and shook out his bushy English sheepdog ears. “That’s like going to the cafeteria every day and all they have is fried rice.”

“You kidding? That’s awesome!” said Durham.

“We’ll see how you feel after day three.” Kolo might’ve winked, but if he pushed his long bangs back and showed us his eyes, we and everyone within a five meter line of sight would be smitten with him.

“You just miss having infinite food that you don’t have to cook for yourself,” Durham smirked.

Kolo raised a finger as if to protest. After a pause, he let it dangle. “Got me there.”

Durham crossed his arms. “Spoken like a true gamer.”

“I love to cook,” said Jack, opening another box while seated on the floor. “It’s a great way to decompress from the day. And making something makes me feel good.” Jack could light up the darkest room just by talking to you and smiling. It was a labrador retriever trademark, and a big reason why we’ve been close friends since grade school.

“Maybe you can teach me some things,” I said, crouching down to help him unpack my small manga collection. “I can make egg salad and Bebebe’s number two, but that’s about it.” 

“You’ve never made Haru dinner?!” Boss exclaimed. 

I looked up toward his vantage point on the counter. He didn’t talk much, being a fennec fox in a world of bigger beasts. But when he did speak up, we listened.

“She…she never asked,” I said meekly.

Boss brought his palm to his face. “You’re fumbling all the important parts of dating.”

“Well, I’ve met her family,” I pointed out, standing up, “and we’ve had dinner at her house. That’s gotta count, right?” 

The silence was telling. 

I scratched the back of my bushy head. “I-is there a checklist I’m supposed to go through before we marry?”

“Legoshi,” said Durham, placing a hand on my shoulder. “There’s a method to this. We’re not reckless high school students anymore. We’re grown beasts now.”

“We’re all 19,” Kolo pointed out.

“That’s basically 30,” said Durham with a smirk. “I’m pretty sure brain development stops at 18.”

“Maybe yours has,” Jack giggled.

“Well, we can’t all be ‘special class’ Jack, now can we?” Durham retorted, pushing off me getly to go give Jack a noogie, to the labrador’s immediate protesting.

I set my rolled-up futon against a wall and smiled. It really felt like I was back in school again and I grasped for all of that wistful honey I could hold for the fleeting moments it was there. 

“I want to make sure I don’t mess this up,” I declared. “Haru deserves nothing but the best. I’ll have her over for dinner tonight and I’ll cook her something delicious.” I took out my phone and typed out a quick message: I’ve moved back into my apartment today. I would love to have you over for dinner tonight. I tapped the “Send” button on screen and my heart skipped a beat. “Okay,” I said, with an exhale, “It’s sent.”

“Way to go, Legoshi!” Jack cheered. The rest followed, congratulating me and patting me on my broad back.

“Heck, you could throw a party here if you wanted,” said Durham, spreading his arms to emphasize the added space in my room.

“I just can’t believe all this is mine,” I breathed. “I’ve never had something like this before. I don’t know how I’m going to fill it up.”

“Maybe Louis can help,” said Kolo.

“Louis…” I drifted off and leaned against the wall, looking out the nearby window at a missing presence not only in the room, but in my life.

Kolo lowered slightly, taken aback. “Did I pee on his flowers or something?”

“Legoshi hasn’t heard from him since the incident,” said Jack quietly. “Neither have we.”

“Sometimes friends drift apart,” Durham shrugged. “It happens.”

“Not to them,” said Jack, pointing his nose to me. 

Suddenly, my hand vibrated. “That was quick,” I noted.

“What’d she say?” asked Durham. The other dogs gathered around my phone, tails stiff with eagerness.

I pulled up her message. “Oh,” I murmured. “She has to study for a test tonight.”

All of our tails drooped, and my stomach burned with embarrassment. I should’ve foreseen something like this happening. “Maybe I asked her too soon.”

Kolo put his hands on his hips. “Certified 19-year-old moment.”

Durham dropped his ears and stared daggers at Kolo. “Shut up, man.”

+++

That sounds very nice, but I have a test coming up that I need to study for tonight. But I’m free tomorrow night, let’s do it then.

I pressed the “Send” button and set my phone down next to my mug. The door to the campus café opened with a ring and in stepped a pretty miniature rex rabbit in a fuzzy coat. The scar running in between her eyes and up head didn’t detract from the attractive black half-mask on her face. I waved at her and she nodded before walking to where I was seated and taking the other chair.

I slung an arm over the seat-back and asked, “So should I call you Ms. Campus now, Ako?”

She beamed, smiling stretching from tall ear to tall ear. “Haru, isn’t it fantastic? Eado was onstage for my acceptance speech too.”

I returned her sunny smile. “It’s good that you two have found true love.” Taking a sip of my tea, I said, “So when did the crowd stop throwing tomatoes at him?”

“Haru!” she slammed the table, grin not leaving all the while.

“Sorry,” I laughed, “I couldn’t help it.”

“Oh, we had them eating out of our palms!” Ako barked, her intensity on full display. “A rabbit getting back together with the handsome lion that literally scarred her for life?” She leaned back in her chair. “It’s a wonder we’re not trending on Beastbook.”

“Of course, you’re not dating him for that anymore, right?”

Ako cleared her throat. “Of course not. It’s just…hard to let bad habits go sometimes.”

“Yeah, I understand,” I said. “The Black Market incident gave us all time to think.” For a white dwarf rabbit like myself living in a world of bigger, more ferocious beasts, I realized that to truly live life on my own terms like I wanted, I had to accept what I truly valued the most, and it all pointed back to that strong, awkward, sweet-hearted gray wolf I called my boyfriend.

“So how are you and Legoshi?” asked Ako. “I still can’t believe he went from almost devouring you two years ago to you asking him to marry you and then divorce right after. Who does that?”

I shrugged. “I thought it was the only way we could remain on equal footing as a carnivore and herbivore. I wanted him to chase me forever, but he threw it right in my face. So here we are, facing the world together head-on.”

“I hope me and Eado can have what you two have,” she said, glancing at her phone.

“What we have wouldn’t trend on Beastbook.” Ako stuck her tongue out at me. “Legoshi moved back into his apartment today.”

“That dump?” Ako scoffed.

“Beast Apartments was never that bad,” I retorted. “But it’s much nicer now. I wonder how different his cardboard box table would feel in a bigger space.”

Ako snorted. “That’s like eating a five-star meal in a McHenald’s.”

“He invited me over to see it tonight, but I really need to study for my test on Friday.”

“Really?” Ako asked. “How hard could it be to memorize a bunch of flowers?”

“As hard as it is to memorize every kind of shoe for a fashion degree.”

Ako thought for a moment and said, “Touché. Well, maybe take your stuff with you and have a study session, if you get my drift.”

She gestured her ear at me and heat rose to my cheeks. “They didn’t always end like that, you know, even at Cherryton.” I rolled my eyes, being reminded of my promiscuous past. Instead of dwelling on it, I retrieved my phone from my bag and pulled up Louis’s contact. “But speaking of, I should let Louis know. He’ll be glad to know Legoshi’s back on his feet again.”

“I can’t imagine being friends with the one and only Horns Conglomerate president,” said Ako, twirling an ear in her fingertips. “What does a person with that much power do with himself?”

“I ask but he doesn’t say much,” I said. “Legoshi says he hasn’t talked to him since the incident. I wonder why…”

+++

What does the president of a multi-billion yen corporation with more social influence than our mayor do all day? I thought, opening the ornate mahogany door. He sits pretty at meetings watching his underlings debate, then he returns to his office to contemplate his next public address. All in all, it doesn’t amount to much.

As I stood in front of what used to be my father’s office, I couldn’t help but say to myself, “Is it going from one cage to another if it has its own private toilet?” I chuckled at my morbid joke, a sense of humor I admit developed more and more since I took up his old mantle.

I set my briefcase down beside my expensive hand-carved mahogany desk and fell into my faux-leather chair, filled mahogany bookshelves flanking me to my rear and to either side. In as noisy and chaotic a life as I had lived to this point, I had not yet gotten used to the silence of my office in the Horns Conglomerate, the corporation led by only red deer. I had at least gotten used to the same mahogany stain #45 used in every piece of furniture.

My phone vibrated against my chest, and I pulled it from my suit jacket.

Did you hear that Legoshi moved back into his renovated apartment? wrote Haru. He invited me over but I’ll have to come tomorrow night. Maybe you should go over tonight and make sure he’s doing okay.

I sighed. “Of all the things to break me out of the beauty of corporate board monotony, it could only be that wolf.”

I’ll admit, I’ve let my responsibilities get in the way of our friendship, but life isn’t like a movie. I don’t get what I want when there’s work to be done. It’s always been this way.

“He misses you. And I do too.”

I’d heard that phrase a time or few from Haru since the incident, but it felt different this time. It was as if the universe itself was compelling me to check up on him. I decided to give him a call. The dial tone rang once, then twice, then…

“Louis! Thank goodness!” came his frantic voice. 

A flood of memories came back to me, each one flying by faster than the last. My bad leg began to ache at the nub. He was only this wired before he did something dangerous. I wasn’t sure I could handle that again. Perhaps that’s why we hadn’t spoken.

“Wh-what’s going on?” I asked, a shake already in my voice.

“I-I need some advice-should I buy a couch or some barstools?”

I paused, my eyelid twitching. “E-excuse me?”

“I only have enough money for a couch or a barstool set, but I don’t know what I need more!”

I felt a migraine coming on. “You, the wolf who brought the Black Market to its knees, are calling a very busy president for furniture advice?!”

“Sorry,” he said, “I just thought since you’re older and have your own place, you’d know more about these things than me. A-and you called me, right?! I haven’t heard your voice in so long!”

I shook my head. “As much as I too delight in hearing from you again, you’re hopeless.”

“S-sorry.”

“And stop apologizing!” I sounded like a father scolding his son. I am two weeks his senior.

“This isn’t a good time for you, is it?” I could hear his ears drooping.

I leaned back in my seat. “No, it’s fine,” I assured him. “It’s just nice to hear you’re not about to run headfirst into a fight to the death.” 

“I’ll admit, it’s nice getting to live a normal life now. I moved back into Beast Apartments. I’m having Haru for dinner tomorrow- er, over! Having her over for dinner!”

“I know what you meant,” I said, using all I had to keep from laughing out loud.

“I want it to look like a proper home for her, not just the shabby room it used to be.”

I smiled. “At this point, Legoshi, I doubt you have to earn her love anymore.”

“I feel so lucky to get to be her beast. Until I feel worthy of it, I want to earn it any way I can.”

It was truly admirable. The kind of love they had, I knew it would last a lifetime. “You’re stealing my lines, you know.”

“I…I am?”

“From ‘Adler.’ You said I would know more than you, wouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, you’re right. You wore his mask.”

Ah, my acting days. “Meet me at Don Quixote in 15 minutes.” Hanging up, I pulled up my messages with Haru and wrote, You sure you won’t visit him tonight? He’s asking me to help him buy furniture.

She responded after a moment, What’s he wanting to buy?

I tapped on my latest-generation phone, an advantage of being suddenly wealthy, Either a couch or barstools. I’ll help him buy a whole living room if it gives you enough time to come see him tonight.

The response, You always know how to put yourself aside and get things done.

Suddenly it felt like the world was looking in on me with piercing eyes. What’s that supposed to mean? I texted.

See you both tonight. ^_^, she said.

I locked my phone and rubbed my temples. Constant thorns in my side, the pair of them, and I couldn’t imagine a life without them.

+++

Louis opened my apartment door and entered, tossing the key on the kitchen counter. I lumbered in after, the three boxes of furniture we bought cradled in my arms. My arms burned as I inched down toward the floor in the middle of the room. 

Louis looked from one corner of the ceiling to the other. “It’s…bigger,” he said.

My breath cascaded out as I finally set the boxes down. “Talk about stealing lines,” I panted, leaning on the boxes. “I said the same thing earlier. That’s why I’m glad you’re here. I don’t want it to be just a shabby room anymore.”

I wiped my brow and turned to Louis, expecting him to respond. But he continued to look around my room, taking slow steps around the perimeter. The boxes from earlier were in a pile next to my futon which we laid out in the corner. On top of it was my modest collection of belongings. Other than that, the space was empty.

“What are you looking at, Louis?” I asked, leaning to the side.

He abruptly turned back to me then looked down. He straightened his black tie and shoved his hands into his tailored trouser pockets. “Somehow…” he said, “I find myself feeling nostalgic of the peril I’ve endured with you over the past year. It seems so far away and feels so much more meaningful when all I do is meet with the same eight pairs of horns all day.”

“We haven’t talked to each other in a while,” I said, rubbing my arm where I once drew my blood into a bag with his. “I…wasn’t sure if we were still friends.”

Louis smirked, lifting his trouser leg to show me his prosthetic. “Silly wolf. I’m a part of you whether you like it or not. If any normal beast knew my path would set them up for life, maybe they’d have their leg eaten sooner.”

I choked on my voice and stumbled back. “Hey! Y-you know I don’t like you joking like that!”

“And I dislike you apologizing when you don’t need to,” Louis responded.

“Sorry,” I said. I groaned and sputtered for a moment. “Wh-where’s this coming from?”

“We are where we are thanks to each other. You’ve changed our world because of your strength and conviction.”

One of our old back and forth discussions. My mind made the switch in an instant. “And you gave me the conviction I needed every time. When I saved Haru from the Shishi-Gumi, when I fought Riz, and when I took on Melon and the Black Market. You were always there for me.”

“I played my bit part,” Louis retorted. “Even now, I’m not sure how impactful my work with the Horns Conglomerate really is.” He crossed his arms. “We’re making record profits and yet, my work of overseeing useless meetings and writing speeches is never done.”

“It sounds like you’re not happy,” I said.

Louis shut his eyes, deep in thought. When he opened them, his face was hard. “I don’t need to be happy,” he said. “I need to fulfill my responsibilities.”

I walked up to Louis so that our muzzles were a breath apart. “Fulfilling your responsibilities shouldn’t mean throwing away your own happiness. Your life doesn’t have to be like it was before.”

Louis gasped and stepped back, wide-eyed and so vulnerable. “Are…are you okay?” I asked him.

He laughed wetly and turned away from me. He never liked to show his emotions in front of people. Perhaps I had said what he needed to hear, which amazed me. I gave him all the time he needed to compose himself. He spoke again with his back to me. “You’re right.  I’ve missed you…so much, Legoshi. I’m sorry I never reached out sooner.”

“It’s okay,” I said, putting a hand delicately on his shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re here now. I didn’t want to start my new life without you.”

Louis nodded, the light reflecting in his damp eyes. He wiped them and stared right into my soul. “Just make me a promise.”

How did he get more beautiful with every meeting? “Yeah?”

I listened closely to his every word. “Your life is as valuable as the herbivores you care about. Promise me you’ll look after yourself.”

I nodded, recalling the pain I put him through to help me accomplish my goals. “I don’t need any more scars. But they’re worth seeing you and Haru smile every day.”

Louis’s shaken exterior gave way to genuine contentment and we embraced, reforging the bond we built over two years of destiny. My most valuable friend had returned to my life and I never wanted him to let go, for both his sake and mine.

A throat clearing brought us back to reality. My ear flicked and I turned toward the sound to find the other herbivore I would lay down my life for. My girlfriend.

“Pretty emotional for a furniture-building party,” said Haru, standing in the doorway.

I ran over and crouched down to her. “Y-you made it!”

“Of course! I didn’t need to study as much as I thought. It’s a special day.”

I kissed her, and ushered her inside.

“Thanks, Louis,” she said, hugging him.

Louis nodded. “Anything for you both, and I mean that.”

“With you two here, it really feels like home now,” I declared, and I meant it too. I pulled them both into another hug and our tails wagged furiously.

+++

We were all seated on the floor, building my new entertainment center. Louis decided I needed a TV so he obliged by buying it along with the furniture for it. I insisted on buying the barstools.

“You really could throw a party here with all this space,” said Haru, handing me an Allen wrench.

“I’m not the best at parties,” I said, taking the wrench and screwing in a shelf. “The last party I went to, the music was too loud, I couldn’t recognize anyone in their beast masks, and a lady came onto me and grabbed my crotch.”

Louis stopped his unpacking and looked toward me with shock. “Isn’t that also when Melon shot you?!” he exclaimed.

I thought for a moment, then nodded. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”

Haru’s gentle features grew concerned. “And you’re more concerned that you were groped by a stranger?”

I shrugged. “Certified 18-year-old moment.”

[3xm-draconic]

Toil and Trouble (Werebat Cyris and Astarion story)

Summary: Revelations about his origins must wait to be processed, Cyris and his gang must track the infamous waterdeep hag down and get Gortash’s stone from her grasp.

“Wait, wait, waaaaaait a minute…hold up” Roger drunkenly mumbled “this means Cyris is a god”, Gale pondered for a moment “well technically yes but also no, it means he a double-demigod since he has taken mortal form”, “but he’s got no mortal parentage…how is he demigod if he got no mortal half?” Minsc scratched his head.

“Guys we can talk about my demi-mortality later, right now Whimbly has one of the stones and that is very, VERY bad” he shuttered, “right, kill hag now talk about god stuff later” Allegra nodded.

Everyone geared up and hit the town…

“Do you think she whent back to waterdeep?” Wyll turned to Cyris, “no, she’s still here, I can smell her, she’s too enthralled by the nightlife here and wants to feed off the misery and pain of the gamblers” he mumbled.

“Whimbly is a rather strange nighthag” Gale pondered “to feed off such things, usually they go for nightmares”, “in olden times nighthags feed of the suffering of others, now they tend to feed off fear rather than misery” Cyris replied “Whimbly prefers the old tastes and is considered… “odd” even by other hags”.

“Odd even to them…how?” Gale curiously turned to him, “she loves company and hates being alone, usually hags can only stand the presence of other hags but Whimbly hats others of her kind, she much prefers devils and other people” Cyris answered “and she LOVES to gamble, there ain't a game on Toril she can’t cheat at. Dice, cards, 3 dragon ante…you name it she’ll bet anything on it…and likely win. Normal nighthags deal in souls, Whimbls does too…but she’d much rather have gold.”

“She’s one of the notorious crime bosses in Waterdeep, right next to Xanathar, while he’s more of thieves guild boss…she deals more as a slave trader, drug exporter, pimp and illegal money launderer…basically she does everything the more tamer guilds aren't willing to do” Cyris sighed “but once she’s dead…everyone is going to be free” he grinned “no more debts…”

They split up to cover more ground, Gale and Cyris whent to the high-end restaurant district while Wyll and Astarion hit the night markets.

“I’ve…been thinking” Astarion sighed “about what Gortash said…about Cyris”, “calling him cupcake?” Wyll laughed a little, Astarion chuckled “no, no about…about a ring”. “you?...that's great Astarion!” Wyll smiled as he hugged the pale elf, Astarion rolled his eyes and patted Wyll’s back “I…know it’s a big step, but Cy and I have been on this adventure for…a while now and I want to purpose…when this is all over”.

“Well maybe while we are looking for the hag, you and I can look for rings? I’am nowhere near ready to purpose yet to Fireworks, I’am still planning on the right time” he grinned as he said Karlach’s affectionate nickname, Astarion frowned “we may not get the perfect time Wyll…we might die tomorrow…you should go to her and purpose, don’t wait, you may never get another chance…I nearly lost cy so I’am taking mine.”

Wyll nodded “you’re right”.

The group met back up and stopped for lunch at a cafe. 

Astarion wanted to show Cyris something…

“A graveyard?” Cyris pondered, “yes a graveyard…and my grave” Astarion took him to a little head stone.

It was covered by centuries of neglect, moss and lichen had overtaken it so much Cyris could hardly read the name of the tombstone.  

“I had to punch a hole in the coffin…and claw my way through 6 feet of dirt” Astarion sighed “then…when I broke the surface, retching up dirt and congealed blood…Cazador was waiting…from that day on I was his…until now” he smiled. 

Cyris held his hand “you were never his sugerfangs”, Astarion laughed a little “maybe…but he did take it…there's almost nothing left of the person I once was…just a name on a rock…” he turned to Cyris “but you helped me change that”.

“You were by my side through all of this, you helped me figure out who I want to be now…though bloodlust, pain and misery you were patient, you cared, you trusted me when that was an objectively stuped thing to do” he looked into Cyris’s big doe-brown eyes “I feel…seen…with you, and whatever the future holds for us…I want it” he turned back to the grave “I should fix this…”

He began to clean it and make adjustments to the writing using one of his daggers…

Once he was done he turned to Cyris who sat next to him.

“I’ve been dead in the ground long enough…it's time to start living again, with everything life has to offer” he smiled “I love you, I love this…and I want it all”.

Cyris took one of the flowers from his flower crown and placed it on Astarion’s grave, “hmm, cute” Astarion chuckled softly “Cy…I want us to be together, regardless if I can walk in the sun or not, regardless of anything that may happen…I want us to be together” he took Cyris’s hands in his “marry me darling”.

Cyris’s eyes are full of tears, joyful happy tears “of course!”

An explosion erupted from the city.

“What was that?”, “I don’t know but we're about to find out” Cyris said worriedly. 

The team: ran through the streets as they came to a burning building. Inside was what seemed to be the remnants of a chemical lab “it may be one of Whimbly’s outpost drug labs…be on your guard” Cyris growld.

Then a familiar voice coughed out “oh hello there my sweet sanguin friend~”, “oh no” Astarion and Cyris grumbled in unison, “I wondered when we would meet again~”, “I hoped you’d have been eaten by wolves by now” Cyris hushly muttered under his breath “Hello Araj” he sighed.

“Forgive the mess…your blood is more…volatile…than expected” she hummed, 

“That's nice but we must be off” Astarion grumbled, “wait oh wait please, just try out my new formula” she pleaded, “what does it do?” Cyris humored her.

“You saw what it did to the lab…drink the formula and anybody that hits you or causes you to bleed…boom!”, “no thanks I don’t think that’s for me” Cyris shrugged. 

They bickered back and forth for a while until a chill ran down Cyris’s spine, he could smell something in her lab…

“Araj…what have you got in there?”, “hmm? Oh…nothing…”, Cyris could tell she was lying, her body said it all.

 “I smell it too…CYIRS!” Station and Cyris rushed past Araj and into the house, down into the basement were…

They found a cage…

Inside was…

A vampire spawn…

One of the turned Gur children who decided to live outside of Astarion’s rules, they looked…sick.

“Mm-mm-...” they tried to speak but they were so weak, “hush it’s alright, we’ll get you out of here” Astarion assured them,“m-mama…” they whimpered “I-I wanna g-go home to…to..mama”.

They were dying…

“Cyris, they need blood quickly!” Astarion cried as he held them, “on it” Cyris slit his hand and let his blood flow into their mouth…but it was no use their tiny skinny body going limp like a ragdoll in Astarion’s arms…

“No…Gods no…” Astarion whimpered, his voice shaking “no please, please drink…”

They were gone…

“What’s wrong? I…I fed them my blood-”, “THAT WAS THE PROBLEM YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT!” Astarion snapped at Araj “YOUR BLOOD IS DISEASED, YOU PRACTICALLY POISONED THEM!”

Astarion grabbed her by her throat, “WAIT WE NEED HER ALIVE!” Cyris stopped him, Astarion stopped and then glared at him “you better have a good reason…”, “look” Cyris showed him a note.

It was a receipt for alchemical ingredients that came from a place called “Aunt Fibi’s Brewery Ingredients Emporium”, “she bought this from Aunt Fibi, that’s one of Whimbly’s aliases, she can tell us where she may be hiding”.

“Well then? TALK!” Astarion growld as he squeezed her throat, “lower…City…by the..d-docks..” she whimpered “will…will you let me go now?”.

Astarion smiled evilly “oh sweet Araj…I thought you wanted to know what it was like to be eaten by a vampire?”

Araj wanted to scream but Astarion kept her quiet.

“Cyris, Gale, Wyll wait outside, I don’t think you want to see this”, Gale, Will and Cyris stepped outside while Astarion proceeded… 

He ate…he did not drink…he ate, he wanted nothing of her to be left to bury…for even maggots in the dirt to feed on…

He ate until nothing but clean bones were left…

She tasted awful… 

“Serves you right for torturing an innocent” he huffed as he patted his now very full stomach. 

The gang didn’t question or wonder what he did…or why he looked so…stuffed.

They pressed onward to their new objective: infiltrate Aunt Fibi’s Brewery Ingredients Emporium and get the stone back from whimbly.

[feline-gal]

“Ah, the prodigal son returns.”

Johnny brings his bike to a screeching halt a good few meters away from the group of particularly strange and freaky creatures gathered around a spherical shield of fiery energy, through which the two boys can see Kitty grinning hopefully at them.

The creatures eye the unlucky ghost, tilting their spiky horned heads this way and that, chittering and repeating the words 'prodigal' 'son' and 'return'.

Atop the sphere sits a significantly more humanoid but still distinctly inhuman being, sneering down at Johnny with jagged yellow teeth bared.

Everything about the guy's appearance, from the rugged, scaly red skin, to the gnarly black horns sprouting out of his head, the almost whip-like tail ending in a chipped arrowhead shape and the doubly cloven hooves, could easily be described as demonic, and it makes Danny wonder if the guy and his similarly wicked looking friends(? Pets?) are even actually ghosts.

Danny pushes himself off the motorcycle and floats in the ectoplasmic air, drawing the guy's beady black eyes to him, along with the eyes of the less humanoid creatures.

The guy arches a brow at the Halfa “And he's brought a friend..” he drawls out, and the creatures parrot 'friend' a few times.

“Eh,” Danny shrugs “'friend' is kind of a strong word. But you seem like a real asshole, kidnapping an innocent girl just 'cuz of whatever beef you've got with Johnny.”

The maybe-demon turns his nose up haughtily “No cow's flesh.” he rebuts. One of the critters repeats 'cow's flesh' and licks it's jagged teeth-lips “Just a simple disagreement on a matter of..” he slides his eyes back over to Johnny and his face splits in a big creepy grin “Property ownership.” once again, the creatures start parroting one or the other of his final words.

Danny cringes at the guy's slimy tone, a brief glance to his side tells him Johnny is just as disturbed and confused as he is.

“OK, I dunno what the fuck you're talking about..” the Halfa states, glaring back at the guy and putting up his green glowing dukes “but you're creepy enough that I don't think I want to know, so I think I'm just going to beat the shit out of you and your pets.”

The guy humphs “You can certainly try.” with that, he snaps his clawed fingers and the more feral seeming creatures let out screeching roars before launching themselves at the pair of ghosts.

“Round 2.” Johnny mutters as he kicks his bike back into gear and zooms off, while Danny fires off a few ecto-blasts at the oncoming beasts until they get close enough to start biting at him.

The two ghosts fly/drive serpentine around the creatures, dodging their claws and teeth as well as their seeming master's thrown fireballs, shooting ghost rays and throwing enhanced punches or kicks where necessary, Johnny's Shadow occasionally lashing out with it's own claws or teeth, or tripping up the creatures so they crash into either nearby islands or eachother.

A couple of the beasts chase after Danny, who dodges and weaves around their attempts to bite at the end of his ghostly tail and the occasional fireball. He zooms towards an island, summons a transformation ring against it's surface and dives straight through it, leaving the creatures to crash into the stone.

He pops out the other side of the island, promptly switches back to ghost form, then makes a duplicate. He turns himself invisible and starts flying towards the boss guy while the dupe zips out of cover and goes back to playing fire cats and laser shooting mouse.

With his attention split, Danny's duplicate takes a few more hits than the original had been, and also doesn't notice the creature coming up behind him until it has it's jaws around his head.

It chomps down hard enough to crush the dupe's skull, it's body goes limp and dissolves into green smoke.

“Danny!” Kitty and Johnny both exclaim in horror, neither noticing the real Danny fading back to visibility behind the maybe-demon, rubbing the side of his head.

The guy squints at the green smoke cloud “Where's his soul?” he asks, tilting his head.

It's at that point Danny blasts the guy's backside with an ice beam. He lets out a startled shriek at the sudden cold before his body is completely frozen over.

“Anyone order a freak-sicle?” Danny asks sarcastically as he flies over to the guy. He hears the feral creatures all roar and looks to find them all charging towards him “Boy, what a popular item you are.” he quips, lifting the guy up by his ice covered horns. He then quickly spins a full 360° before hurling the maybe-demon at his maybe-pets with enough force to shatter the ice encasement upon impact.

Danny turns his attention to the fiery shield and shoots another ice blast at it, frosting over it's top, then he charges up his fist with ecto-energy before punching the ice-cap, smashing through it and busting open a hole in the shield.

Kitty whoops excitedly and flies up & out “Thanks, hero-boy!” she proclaims, pulling the half-ghost into a hug.

Danny chuckles, scratching at the back of his head and leaning away slightly, half expecting her to try and kiss him “Don't mention it.” he chirps.

“Kitty!” Johnny exclaims as he pulls up before them. The female ghost jumps off her savior in favor of latching onto her boyfriend, who returns the embrace in relief, his Shadow wrapping around the both of them with a happy trill.

A loud, enraged snarl draws the group's attention back to the pack of beasts and their maybe-demon master.

“Wretched interloper!” the guy hisses, hands crackling with flames while his pets echo the words “You will regret interfering in my business!”

“Sure I will.” Danny drawls out sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. Beside him, Johnny's Shadow unfurls itself and flares out in a threat display while the unlucky couple disentangle and take their seats on the bike, which Johnny revs up “How about you just cut your losses and buzz off back to whatever corner of the Zone you crawled out of? Unless you like having your ass handed to you by a bunch of teenagers.”

The maybe-demon guy lets out a screeching roar, the flames in his hands forming into dagger like shapes before he and his creatures charge forward, snarling savagely.

Danny floats forward a bit and motions for the trio to stay back “Cover your ears.” he instructs “Time to wrap this up.” with that he gathers a large amount of ecto-energy into his lungs, causing his chest to swell up as if he were taking a deep breath, the corners of his mouth stretch back and split open his cheeks.

A moment later, he throws his head forward and unleashes the energy in a Ghostly Wail.

The charged sound waves crash into the pack of maybe-demons with more than enough force to knock them back and unconscious.

Danny lets the Wail peter off sooner than he usually does, this batch of enemies not being strong enough to warrant a full length blast.

“Bloody hell.” Johnny whinges, kneading the heel of his palm into his ear.

“Hey,” Danny shrugs “I told you to cover your ears.”

“That was really fuckin' loud.” the biker ghost mutters petulantly before shaking his head “Whatever. Kitty, do the thing.”

The green haired girl shifts in her seat, hand to her mouth, and then blows a Banishing Kiss at the stirring maybe-demon.

The guy blinks his eyes open and jolts at the sight of the oncoming lipstick mark. He swings his arm up, conjuring a fiery shield that blocks the kiss before it can hit him. The blue and red energies dissipate, revealing the maybe-demon's snarling face.

“Crap.” Kitty hisses “Lemme try agaAAIIIEEE!!!” she cuts herself off with a shriek when a fireball flies at her face, forcing her to jerk her head away, getting only a bit of her hair singed.

With a roar, the maybe-demon charges at the group, hands ablaze, and soon finds himself clashing with Danny, trading fiery and icy blows until the Halfa lands one kick solid enough to knock a tooth out of the guy's mouth and daze him.

“Alright, ugly,” Danny barks as he grabs the Fenton Thermos off his belt “into the soup with you.” with that, he clicks the device on and a bright blue light beams out, engulfing the guy, and starts sucking in ectoplasm.

After a moment, the light cuts off with a beep, indicating that the Thermos is full.

The guy is still there, blinking spots out of his vision.

“..Huh.” Danny lets out, looking at the canister “Guess this thing doesn't work well in a dimension made of ectoplasm.”

The maybe-demon guy then kicks the thermos into Danny's face, sending him tumbling backwards with a pained shout.

With the Halfa out of the way, he turns his attention to Johnny and launches himself at the unlucky ghost in a tackle.

“Get offa him/me!” Johnny and Kitty both exclaim while Shadow hisses as they all try to wrestle the guy off.

A bright burst of fire sends Shadow reeling away, while a cloven hoof to the face knocks Kitty back, and then the guy kicks off the bike, dragging Johnny away kicking and screaming.

“You know; I was going to let you and your female come be pets together,” he informs, sinking his claws into the unlucky ghost's upper arms in warning while his tail snags something off his belt “but you just had to go and misbehave, so instead..” the item is flung into the ectoplasmic air behind him, where it soon bursts into a fiery vortex decorated with a pentacle “You're coming to hell alone!” the probably-demon cackles as he, Johnny, and his unconscious minions are all pulled towards the burning portal.

“Forgetting something?” Danny's voice calls out, drawing the guy's attention towards the ecto-blast coming towards his face.

He dodges with a hiss “Would you fuck off?!” he snaps at the Halfa, spinning around to slash his tail at him “You annoying Satan-damned pest!”

Danny splits himself apart at the stomach, letting the sharp tail tip pass harmlessly through the gap, then grabs the appendage “You fuck off.” he responds intelligently, giving the tail a harsh yank, earning a screeched yelp from it's owner “And leave Johnny alone.”

The unlucky ghost rears his head back and then throws it forward, smashing his forehead against the lower half of the guy's face.

“Augh! Bitch!” the maybe-demon curses.

Danny grabs the guy's arm and plants his feet against his side, giving him some extra leverage to wrench his claws out of Johnny's arm. The biker ghost promptly punches is captor in the eye, then wrests his other arm free and flies off while Danny ecto-blasts the guy towards the portal, which sprouts wispy tendrils of flame that snake towards and start to wrap around the guy.

“AAARRRGH! NO!” the probably-demon roars angrily as he thrashes futilely against the restrains.

“Oh no~!” Danny exclaims delightedly “Is that a one-way portal?”

“Aw, what a shame.” Johnny chirps shamelessly, rubbing at the fresh wounds on his arms “Guess I won't have to deal with your wonderful cunty self anymore.”

“Tragic.” Kitty chimes in smugly as she pulls the unlucky ghost's bike up next to him.

The guy hisses savagely at the two as he sinks into the portal “This isn't over!” he declares “More will be coming after you, boy! There are many with a vested interest in staking a claim on the first son of Johnathan Constantine!” with that, his head disappears into the fiery vortex, which promptly collapses in on itself, leaving the faint outline of a pentagram lingering in the ectoplasmic air for a moment.

Danny frowns at the spot where the possibly-demon and his minions vanished into and mutters to himself “'Son of Johnath-'” he cuts himself off and snaps his head over to Johnny “You're a junior?!”

Johnny stares flatly at the half ghost “That's..” he starts off exasperatedly, only to trail off and shift his gaze back over to where the fiery portal had been “..news to me.” he finally concludes.

Submitted Prompts #133

Johnny 13’s core is one of John Constantine’s sold-off soul fragments, which somehow - whether by it’s own volition or not - got away from it’s owner and made a whole new unlife for himself.

[ecargmura]

Delicious Party Precure Episode 2 Review - Officially Teaming Up

I feel bad for Rosemary. Imagine being stuck in a foreign planet with no way back and on top of that, you have to rely on a child in middle school to help you defeat the enemies and search for the Recipe Bon and Recipeppis. It’s understandable that he is trying to be a reasonable adult and not get a child like her into danger because of him. He gets stressed out and behaves a bit out of his usual character because of this. This reminds me a lot of how Cure Sky didn’t want Cure Prism to be in fights because she was afraid she’d get hurt before realizing that they need to work together to make things work. That was pretty much this episode in a nutshell. Though,  Rosemary looks like a fit adult, why can’t he just punch or kick Ubauzo or Gentlu if he lost his abilities to use his powers? Throwing hands is much better than not doing anything at all.

I like learning a lot about the Cookingdom. The CooKing is a bit eccentric while the CooQueen is calmer and the info dump of the two. I think they work well together as they both know the ins and outs of the gadgets and lore from their kingdom. Sometimes, in animes, rulers turn out to be some of the most incompetent people and out right useless. Fortunately, these two don’t seem to be the case. Rosemary possesses a Delicious Stone, which is what CooKingdom’s knights possess; he is seemingly a knight of that kingdom and a high-ranking one at that too.

Regarding the Bundoru Gang, I think the boss seems to be someone from the CooKingdom as it seems that people from that world are the only ones aware of what Precures are. I have two guesses on who the boss might be: either that Fennel guy introduced or the master Rosemary briefly mentioned. I have no idea who this master is, but hopefully he’ll be introduced later on. Why I think Fennel might be the Bundoru boss is that his voice is deep. If you touch a deep voiced person’s voice, it’ll become even deeper…right? Anyways, what I’ve learned from Persona 4 is that the culprit is always the person you least expect to be the killer, but it makes sense; they have to not be the main character too.

In terms of the other characters that are not Rosemary, Yui’s a nice girl who decides to help Rosemary out with his quest to search for the Recipe Bon and save the Recipeppis. I do feel like she sort of accepted it thoughtlessly, but given how she’s someone who loves helping others, as shown by the flashback of her with the stray cat she once helped, it makes sense why she’d do this. She loves food and helping others, so it’s a double win for her.  I feel bad for Takumi who got left behind after the whole Ubauzo incident in the first episode and then got forgotten by Yui who suddenly remembered him after realizing she left him behind; on top of that, Yui then pleads him to take in this strange man she just met into his family’s guest house. Like, girl, do you not have any sense of stranger danger? Though, I do wonder about Rosemary asking if he had met Takumi somewhere. Given that Takumi is definitely the caped guy in the intro, there might be a connection there? The Bundoru Gang is just the Bundoru Gang.

I think the stand out character for this episode is Akiho Nagomi, Yui’s mother. I think she’s really sweet. I can tell Yui grew up as a loving girl because her mother trusts and respects her. I can see that she trusts her when Yui asks if she could take care of Kome-Kome. While most Asian moms would freak out if their child had brought in a strange animal, Akiho is calm and composed despite wondering if Kome-Kome is a dog or a cat. I love the fact that she knows how capable Yui is as she says “I believe you can do it.” I think the fact that she’s the only character interested in Rosemary’s beauty tips was both cute and funny.

I also really like the comedy. I feel bad for the brown haired girl. She’s been in comedic moments when it came to food. She got knocked over while on a ramen delivery and was in the Omurice shop during Gentlu’s attack in the previous episode and this episode, she was just eating karaage and then Gentlu attacks. I think my favorite comedic moment was Rosemary’s expression when Yui just casually shows up in the Delicious Field after the Heart Cure Watch guided her to his location. CooKingdom’s technology sure is advanced.

Anyways, now that Yui and Rosemary have decided to cooperate, where will this story head off? How long will it take for the other Precures to join Yui? From the preview, it seems that the girl who will become the blue Precure will be formally introduced next episode after her small appearances in the previous and this episodes. What are your thoughts on this episode?

[fave-fight]

ROUND 2, MATCH 44

NO MAGIC, POWERS, WEAPONS, OR ADDITIONAL HELP FROM OTHERS

Isabelle:

“She's in Smash, also she's best friends with Doom Guy”

“She's probably got some pent up rage about being stuck with mayor duties, especially when the player neglects the games. She's cute and this tournament need more women. I'm so happy someone else thought about her, too.”

“If she can hold her own in Smash she can hold her own here. She deserves the chance let loose too. Let her wreck some people!”

Floyd Leech:

“If he stays in human form and has no mage stones, he's just Some Guy, so he still qualifies. This mafia motherfucker would FIGHT. One time when faced with a monster, everyone else was like "oh no, we need magic" and he was like "nah, let's punch it" and then he DID. He hasn't used his pointy teeth in canon yet, but he could in theory bite someone if necessary, and it would hurt like a bitch. He'd fight dirty, I just know it. Let him punch everything and then get punched in the face, it'd be so great.”

“This guy is a menace who almost never uses weapons or tools to terrorize people. He's strong and athletic, smart enough to get what he wants on a whim, and squeezes contract-breakers until they faint on a regular basis.”

“NOTE: Floyd is a magic boy, but the “no mage stone” thing is there because it means he won’t be able to use magic, because people in Twisted Wonderland can’t without accumulating deadly magic toxin unless they have the stones. He’s also a merman, but he’d be in his human form. His human form does have pointy teeth (like the anime character kind) but I’m not sure if they have any real effect in game other than to intimidate people. Other people in this game have them too who are allegedly “human.” And again, plenty of “human” anime characters have them. Myfeeling is that they shouldn’t be disqualifying on their own.  This game is about magic boys at a magic school, but don’t worry, they get into traditional fist-fights so often it’s literally a randomly generated event that can happen in your Guest Room space. And Floyd Leech would never use magic in a fist-fight. He’d think that was “no fun” or “totally lame.” His signature magical spell just nullifies other people’s magic that targets him… so he can fight them with his fists. Since no one else here has magic, it’s totally irrelevant.  Also I’m not sure he uses fists so much as he does something to his opponents that he describes as “squeezing” them. I don’t know entirely what he means by that when he’s in his human form, but how much it scares the faceless NPC students indicates to me that he’s found a way to make it work. I do know it’s supposed to have a whole mafia vibe to it. Because his dad (and his childhood friend he lowkey sort-of works for) have real mafia boss energy. And Floyd’s basically decided that if he’s going to do this mafia shtick it’s Capo or bust. Floyd doesn’t always feel like doing stuff, due to his wildly unpredictable mood swings, but it honestly seems like the thing he can most easily be convinced to do is beat the shit out of people. During the “Beanfest” event (which was somewhat analogous to a paintball match), he insisted on throwing his weapon away and beating up aforementioned childhood friend even though the game was over and he’d already lost, just because apparently “once Floyd has decided to fight nothing can be done about it" and you just have to fight him if you want to get on with the rest of your day. He’d started out that event “not really in the mood” but somehow ended up spending the entire day beating the hell out of every person he ran into. In the camping event, when all of the boys were being picked off by a monster in the woods one at a time and were panicking because they didn’t have magestones or cellphones and therefore couldn’t defend themselves with magic or call an adult for help, Floyd was literally just like “why don’t we just beat the shit out of it?” And then he DID. And it was awesome.  But before you think he’s just some sort of dumb thug, let me assure you that Floyd is actually one of Night Raven’s most intelligent students. He has a photographic memory and can create valuable gems in alchemy class with minimal effort. Unfortunately, his mood swings make it impossible for him to maintain a decent GPA. But he’s actually a smart, tactical fighter. He’s just violent and unstable. Oh and if you’re wondering, his personality is generally abrasive and confrontational. He regularly starts arguments with the most volatile people at the school, just to mess with them and see where it goes because he’s bored.  Finally, if it sweetens the deal for anyone, Floyd would wear some killer designer shoes to this fight. Don’t worry, they wouldn’t be dangerous/weaponized. They’d just be expensive and custom made. You know, so he can get upset when someone scuffs them up.  Like for real, is there anyone who deserves to be in a crazy bitch fist-fight more than a moody mafia prince who’s secretly some sort of genius, but seems to only truly love fighting and designer footwear? If there is, I can’t think of them. ”

[itjazzbicch]

Looking Out For You

Pairing: Draken x Fem Reader

Summary: Being a girl in a gang is unusual in the readers conditions, but she uses that to her advantage, specifically in a fighting ring between gangs where she earns herself money, but also makes some enemies and when she thinks she’s done for, her friends come to save the day, Draken being the one to take care of her…

Warnings: Swearing, Male x Female fight, mentions of blood

Word Count: 3.6k

I DO NOT OWN THIS GIF:

“You gotta be kidding me!”

All of the guys at the fight were laughing hysterically whenever I stepped up, all of them pointing at me, some small girl, popping bubble gum with my hands in my pockets.

It looked like I was lost, but this exactly what I wanted.

“Who would bet on you, shorty?!” This guy was sure he had this fighting in the bag, poking my forehead to send me back some before going into stance, “I’m gonna get a whole lot of money out of this one.”

“Don’t go easy on me,” Pop went my bubble gum, shooting a smile as he ran after me.

All of these guys were so typical and easy to read. They were just street fighters, the crowd cheering him on as they thought he had the advantage:

“Show her who’s boss! Kick her little a-“

That boy threw his punch and it was so easy to dodge, raising up my knee and spinning to the side with my left, leaving the back of his head wide open for my right leg to shoot up and kick him in the head.

Silence fell as he dropped like a ton of bricks, knocked out cold, slumped murmurs falling out of his mouth with drool onto the concrete.

“What was that about kicking my ass?” I snickered, blowing another bubble, “Didn’t even lose any flavor in this gum yet!”

“Wha- Did she just knock him out?!”

They were all flabbergasted, meanwhile I was smiling, eyes locking onto my next contestant.

“You got lucky! But that won’t work on me, girly!”

Some shaved head idiot started raging toward me and right as he approached me, one kick up right under the chin.

He was tougher than the last guy, that one didn’t knock him out, but it wasn’t done just yet, smashing his head with an elbow and that one did the trick, having him falling to the ground just like his friend.

“Anyone here actually gonna give me a challenge?”

Looking around, all of the guys here we frozen, jaws on the ground with all eyes on me.

“No?” I popped my gum again, shaking my head, “What a shame. Make sure you’re all ready for next time. You haven’t seen the last of me!”

This was such an easy game. Considering my mother worked all night long and still didn’t make much money, I fought in these little tournaments between gangs to earn some money.

No one would ever bet on me because I was the only girl who would stepped up to a man, let alone gang members too.

I was a member of the Tokyo Majin Gang, but I rarely showed my face, so I was a mere stranger to everyone.

But I had a friend on the inside. He’d bet the money, I win the fights, we split the profit and we both get good money from it.

“You never fail, Y/N! Look how much yen we got this time!”

Heading over with Joko down the alley we always took home, he sure had a bright smile on his face and it went right onto mine.

“Oh hell yeah!” I smiled, taking my half, “Just imagine all cash we’ll get if we keep it up!”

“No kidding, sis!” He laughed, cheering as he skipped down the alley, but suddenly coming to a halt as he stumbled into a tall stature.

“Oh, hey Draken,” I nodded up at him, but his face was as stone cold as ever. Something told me that he wasn’t happy with me.

“Excuse me! I’m so sorry, sir!” Joko immediately bowed his head and kept posture.

I was close to Draken, so I didn’t bother, but did stay still whenever Draken commanded to Joko:

“You go on ahead home. Y/N and I need to have a talk. I’ll walk her home.”

“Yes, sir!” Joko bowed once more before waving to me and running off.

“Aww, Kenny. If you missed me that’s all you had to say,” I giggled, joining his side as we began our walk.

“What did I tell you about calling me that?!” He growled, making me laugh more:

“Don’t be so serious, my man! Anywho, what we do we need to talk about?”

“You can wait till we get to your place,” He murmured, hands in his pockets and following me along.

That wasn’t a good sign. Was something happening with the gang that I needed to know about?

Regardless, during our walk I prepared myself. Thank goodness my mother left already, heading in and getting us two colas , sliding on to him over the counter.

“So, we’re here. What’s the deal?” Some cola eased my nerves a bit, and finally Draken spoke his mind:

“So, why do I still keep hearing about a some short girl, who likes to pop bubble gum, showing up at gang fights for money?”

“Uhhh-,” I giggled softly, sipping my cola and clearly lying, “I have no idea! She sounds dangerous.”

“What did I tell you about fighting in those little rings, huh?” Draken wasn’t messing around this time.

Just great.

“That’s what this is about, man?” Why was he so worried about this?! “You know that I’m a taijutsu master! Those guys are so easy to beat! It’s easy money that I put towards the gang and take care of myself with. You know I don’t have it easy, Draken!”

“I get that, but it’s dangerous,” He glared deep into my eyes, he seriously didn’t want me doing this and I already knew why, “You’re a-“

“Girl?” I shot an intense glare right back at him. I hated whenever someone told me not to do something because I’m a girl. It’s such bullshit.

“And one of these days, you’re gonna run into a big dude that you might not take down!” Draken slammed his hands on the counter, already towering over me and that made him feel even bigger, “Or you’re gonna piss them off so bad that they’re going it try and jump you!”

“Like that’ll happen!” I slammed my hands down right in front of him and attempted to size him up, “I get why you worry, but come on! You’ve seen me fight!”

“For fucks sake, Y/N! What would you do if one day those guys get you alone, huh? And you have to fight a whole group of them without Joko or someone else with you? Tell me!”

His scenario did make me think and I truly didn’t know what I would do. Even my cockiness wouldn’t kick in while thinking about it.

“Listen,” Draken sighed deeply, trying to settle the tension between us, “I just want you to be careful, okay? You’re fighting between multiple gangs and I don’t want this to turn into a big issues when it’s stupid.”

Again, I just stayed quiet. I guess there were other ways I could earn myself some money, but fighting is one thing I’ve always known and it was the easiest route.

Coming around the counter, he placed his hand on my shoulder, looking down into my eyes:

“Do you at least understand where I’m coming from?”

“Yeah, I understand,” I whispered softly, staring at the floor till his fingertips lifted my chin so our gaze reconnected:

“I know you can kick ass, Y/N. You are a badass, you just can’t be so reckless.”

“Aww,” I couldn’t stand the seriousness anymore, getting him tongue tied when I twirled the strand of blonde hair in his face, “Who knew you were such a big softy.”

“Softly?! How dare you!” He growled, swatting my hand away, making me laugh more:

“Chill, man! You’re blushing, by the way.”

“Blushing?!” That only made his face more red and I held my stomach from laughing so much!

“It’s kinda cute though,” I just had to keep poking at him, till he booped my forehead:

“Whatever. I’ll see you later, shorty.”

“No hug goodbye? How rude!” I teased, thinking I’d get a cold shoulder, till he wrapped one arm around my shoulder and side hugged me:

“There? Happy now?”

That made me smile, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Draken hug anyone, let alone me!

“Yeah,” I smiled softly, stopping him before he walked out of the door, “And hey, I promise I’ll call it quits with the fighting ring for a while You did make a good point.”

“I always do,” He smiled softly, looking away for a moment thinking, and he made me smile even more, “Tomorrow the guys and I are gonna go for a ride and do some talking. Tag along, I know that bike of yours can ride.”

“Faster than yours,” I giggled, left smiling as he rolled his eyes, shutting the door:

“Whatever you say, shorty!”

*the next day*

Today was as typical as any other. School was easy, I went to taijutsu practice after and on the way out, I got the text to meet up so we could have some fun racing before the meeting.

I wasn’t paying attention while walking out the back door into the parking lot, sending Draken a text that I was leaving practice, but my head jumped up as I heard metal crashing.

My bike! That asshole I knocked out yesterday was smashing it with a bat!

“You dick!” I yelled at him, charging right for him till I felt someone grab me by the hair.

“What do you think you’re doing, huh?! Haha!”

The other guy I knocked out too?! I quickly grabbed his wrist, pulling his arm down and elbowing him in the joint as hard as I could.

That was enough to make him let go, backing away quickly to see that I was surrounded. That guy and all of his buddies were here.

Shit, this was bad. Very bad. To think Draken was right about this.

“You think we were just gonna let you off the hook after the stunt you pulled yesterday, huh?”

This was the first time in a long time I had to take my fighting stance in a real fight. I was surrounded, all of them closing in on me.

In that moment, I thought of what Draken said, what was I gonna do?

Looking around the circle, I was left with only one option. I picked out the smallest guy and punched his lights out to kick off the fight:

“I don’t go down easy! Bring it on, bitches!”

It’s been a while since I’ve been in a situation like this, but I didn’t go down without a fight. I actually took out a good bit of them.

It was just so hard to watch my back, that being the one disadvantage when I felt my hair get gripped up tight.

The grip left a burn in my scalp, but I wasn’t giving up, trying to kick the one guys away, but he kicked my knee out then kneed me right in the ribs.

That instantly knocked all of the wind out of me, about coughing up a lung, eyes heavy and head woozy whenever he picked my head up by the hair again:

“Told ya we’d teach you a lesson! Coming to our fight club and thinking you own the place!”

A punch right to my gut made me collapse, but he kept me up by the hair. All I could try to do in that moment was breathe, but the sound of motorcycle engines caught my attention.

Tires screeching made everyone come to a halt, hearing from behind me:

“Y/N!!”

Baji?

“You get your damn hands off of her!”

There was Draken right in front of me and he sent that dude into another atmosphere with just one punch.

Finally, I was let go and I fell to the concrete, curled up into a ball, coughing and heavily panting. Those punches and knee strikes were so strong I still couldn’t breathe right.

“Wait? She’s with the Tokyo Majin Gang?!”

That sure took them all by surprise. Glancing upward briefly, Draken, Baji, and Mikey were kicking all of their asses.

“Hey, Y/N! You gotta breathe! Don’t worry, I got you,” Mitsuya scooped me up in his arms softly and I tried my best.

Along with his coaching, I was finally breathing right, but damn did I feel like crap.

“You listen to me!” Everyone stopped what they were doing, all of those guys beat up and on the ground while Draken had their leader by the shirt.

I’ve never seen Draken so intimidating and terrifying before, that guy about pissing himself, shaking in fear as Draken growled in his face:

“If you ever even come near her again, it’ll be the last thing you ever do!”

“Now, fuck off!” Baji made sure to get one last hit in, laughing while they all picked themselves off and ran for their lives.

“How is she?” Mikey was the next to come over and I hated that they had to see me like this.

This was the first time someone managed to put me down in a brawl, attempting to stand up as I groaned:

“I-I’m fine.”

The moment I stood up, I collapsed again, but Draken was there, holding me in his arms:

“No you’re not, Y/N. You got a bloody lip and all.”

“And they destroyed your bike?” Mitsuya observed, and I was defeated, just laying my head against Draken’s chest:

“I have no idea how they found out where the dojo is. They completely blindsided me.”

“Baji, Mitsuya! Take care of her bike. I’m gonna take her home.”

“On it,” Mitsuya and Baji both came to my sides, helping me up to my feet.

“Don’t worry, I can hang on to your bike,” Holding my stomach, I limped alongside Draken, making sure to thank them all, “You guys really came in the Knick of time huh?”

“We planned on meeting up here after all, it’s a good racing start,” Mitsuya informed me, “Good thing we came when we did.”

“You know we always have your back, sis,” Baji smiled softly, Mikey smiling at me too:

“Always.”

“Thanks guys,” I said softly, head down as I went to Draken’s bike.

“You sure you’ll be okay for the ride?” Draken was hesitant to hop on because of my condition, but I climbed right on and just nodded.

This pain was like burning in hell. I was clinging onto Draken for dear life during that ride and it wasn’t even five minutes.

I was so grateful that my mom worked nights, if I came home like this and she saw me? Dear goodness, she’d lose her shit.

When we walked in the door, I had my back turned, ready to take care of myself alone, telling Draken:

“Thanks for bringing me home. I’ll take care of myself, I promise.”

“Y/N,” He sighed, shaking his head, “You can’t even walk.”

“Barely, but I’m still walking,” I went to take another step forward, but Draken shut and locked the door, coming and scooping me softly.

“You got anything to clean that cut?” He asked, taking me to my room and sitting me on the bed softly.

“Bathroom on the shelf,” I whispered softly, sitting there trying to hold back tears from how my ribs hurt.

I was so pissed that I allowed this to happen to me, that Draken was right about the bad side to this fighting ring stuff.

I never lost a fight and the fact that they had to jump me? What cowards.

“Alright, I got some wraps for your ribs too. I can tell they’re banged up,” Draken came back to me, kneeling in front of me as I sat on the edge of the bed.

“No kidding, guess I’ll just get it over with,” I went to take the wraps, but I stopped as he instructed:

“Lift your shirt up. It’s gonna be hard to do yourself.”

“O-Oh, okay-“

Why was I so nervous all of a sudden? On top of that, it hurt like hell when I lifted my arms up, biting my lip to hide the cry trying to come out of me.

“Here,” Draken slipped my shirt off like it was nothing, leaving me in my sports bra and when he looked down at me, gosh my cheeks were hot.

“T-Thanks,” No one ever made me stutter like this, I hope I wasn’t being too awkward, but it was like nothing to him:

“You’re welcome. I’m gonna try to be as easy as I can. You should ice this too.”

Running his large hand across my side, his hands were soft, which surprised me a little, the both of us noticing the bruises forming on me already.

“Ready?” Draken looked up to me for assurance before wrapping up my ribs and I just nodded, sucking in a breath, eyes shut tight but it didn’t stop the tears.

Even when he was as gentle as possible, the stings and pains were a lot.

“Hey, all done. It’s okay,” My eyes were still closed, but I felt his thumb wipe away the tears running down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Draken,” I cried softly, wiping the rest of my tears, “I should’ve have listened to you. I tried to fight, but there was just too many of them. I would’ve been dead if it weren’t for you and the guys.”

“It’s not your fault those guys are a bunch of punks,” Draken sighed, trying to help just because I was crying but I shook my head:

“You told me to stop fighting before something like this happened and I didn’t listen. I’m so stupid!”

“Listen, all that matters is that, we got you out of that fight,” When I felt him holding the side of my face, I finally looked him in the eyes, his gaze settling me along with his deepening voice, “There’s nothing we can do to change it, but it’s all gonna be alright.”

Nodding softly, I whispered softly, “Thanks again, Draken. I don’t think I can thank you guys enough.”

“Like Baji and Mikey said, we always have your back. Always.”

That put a small smile on my face and it was nice to get a smile back from him. It made all of the bad emotions start to drift away.

“Need anything else? Don’t worry about the little meeting. We can handle it another time,” I was so appreciative of him taking care of me and I did want to ask him something, but I was so nervous.

I always had the, fuck it, mentality, so I went ahead and asked softly:

“Do you mind s-staying the night?”

“Your moms not gonna get pissed, is she?”

Wait, he’s cool with it? That about made my eyes pop out of my head, snapping out of it a bit to reply:

“She crashes in her room as soon as she comes home. Literally always. I’m not worried about it. It’s just-“

“Just what?” No one’s ever seen me like this and I think that’s why Draken was being so understanding, extremely hard to get off my chest:

“That was the first time in my life I think, that I was truly scared. You know how some of these gangs are and what they do to girls. Let alone one who kicked their asses.”

“Now, you know I’d never let anything like that happen to you,” He assured, hugging me softly as he stood up, “Let’s get you laid down, you need to relax.”

That I surely agreed on, fixing my pillows and laying back as softly as I could, groaning through some pain, but relaxation waved over me as Draken turned off the lights, trying not to watch him too much as he tossed off his shirt, left in his tank top and shorts, definitely not admiring his tall, muscular stature.

He got into bed next to me as softly as he could, but the little bounce from his weight made my head hurt more, and he noticed how hard I closed my eyes.

“I’m sor-“

“It’s alright,” I cooed quickly, fixing my hair, “That guy about ripped my hair out and it still hurts.”

Everything came to a sudden halt, the pain I was feeling, my heart, time almost, whenever Draken scooted closer to me, kissing the top of my head softly.

“Hair pulling is such a bitch move.”

I went to speak, but nothing came out, my heart going double time as pet the top of my head softly, slicking my hair back.

“You alright?”

Sometimes he was so oblivious to others feelings, and I managed to get something out when I whispered:

“Is it okay if I tell you something?”

“What’s up?”

Again, completely oblivious. Hopefully, my actions made things more clear as I took his arm that was close to me, placing it over me softly, fighting tears again as I admitted to him:

“I feel so safe with you. Like nothing could ever hurt me.”

“That’s because you are,” Another kiss, but on my forehead, made those tears happy ones, feeling the drowsiness guiding me to sleep along with his whisper: “I’ll always protect you, Y/N.”

[the-damn-things-overlap]

I laughed out loud at several points, mostly during the recitation of the crimes. I know that the first-gen captains came out after most of the worldbuilding for this series, but cross-referencing with your previous post about responsibilites by division breaks down in some interesting ways...

1. Our Postmaster-General with the Mandate of Heaven and his long-suffering assistant. Administration makes sense with the backstory - also, is Tsubaki Yamamoto's first wife?

2. Spy stuff and the first member of the Shinoin clan! Interesting to know that the shapeshifting isn't genetic - is the kido cat-specific or a personality thing?

3. Internal affairs/law enforcement is being run by a mob boss, which feels weirdly appropriate.

4. Not many surprises in medical, aside from the fact that Chigiri and Yachiru seem to be friends this early.

5. Rukongai Affairs - Haven't really got a good read on Danjiro Obana, but someone who understands what it's like to be hungry and likes punching nobles isn't a terrible match for this position. Seems like the kind of guy that you could have a beer with, or at least the bad sake rather than the stuff the nobles drink.

6. External Affairs - I bet Yamamoto was *thrilled* with setting up the 6th division and giving the Kuchkis a hereditary captiancy because it solves several problems at once - Furofushi has a strong reason to marry Kyoga, the captaincy will spend the next couple generations going to stone-faced noble bastards with secret buckwild tendencies, and the current clean heads have to bite their tongues.

7. Incoming Souls - if I squint a bit, I can see a former experimental kido master with a need to poke at things being a good person to poke at soul assignation metrics, and he's got actual real-world people experience. Weird matchup, but not impossible.

8. Income and Funding - Katori, on the other hand, seems to have picked up a better handle on internal politics and actually getting paid for stuff from her time in an experimental wizard union, which is an applicable skillset.

9. Information Services - IDK how a participating bystander in the Soul Society Stonewall Riots (because fuck cops) ties into the division role aside from a thematic tie to Tousen in terms of pursuing justice. Maybe he just smiles at people until they want to tell him things.

10. Living World Affairs - And despite having committed the *funniest* crime on the list, I don't know how you get from a tenderhearted spacey dude doing accidental acts of supernatural ecological vandalism to keeping track of the living world. A willingness to pull the lever marked "do not pull" (and collect like-minded individuals)? Keeping track of living-world tech is on the responsibility list after all...

11. Emergency Deployment - deploying Yachiru means that Yachiru now becomes the emergency to deal with, but she's a more solvable problem.

12. Supplies - dude's a smuggler of goods and people. I have sudden insight into how the army was getting its stuff back in the day.

13. Magical Research, Kido Corps - I'd thought from context that the "wrath of god" thing was zanpakto-related, but if it's a kido I get why he'd form a division around him. I bet that the clan he wiped out was looking into forbidden kido - using death to power a spell might be a dicey proposition in the Land of the Dead, but it's absolutely the sort of thing that you'd want to shut down with Extreme Prejudice.

I am having a lot of fun with the worldbuilding notes on this, and the text snippets have been delightful!

So, how exactly was the Gotei 13 formed in AEIWAM?

(The original gotei-13 captains might have canon genders but I'm going off vibes tbh.) (Here's a collection of Kubo's art of the original 13 so you can see what everyone looks like)

-----

It had started with the Clans.

Actually, it had started when Shigekuni Yamamoto was mugged for the fourth time in as many days, by agents of The Great Noble Houses, trying to influence the tide of their endless petty wars. You could hardly blame him for reacting as he did, somewhat literally blowing up with rage, and upon his return to his home office, rallying his fellow distraught men into a fighting force to stand up to the clans.

It had been quite a popular manuver for him, with the equally distraught and downtrodden citizens of the central rukongai threw their support behind him in short order. He was already well-known to them, and respected for his work. In a few short years, his meager forces had grown to rival the clans in power.

Then the Quincies had invaded the Spirit World, lead by some horrible creature known as Yhwach, seemingly Hell-Bent on conquest- which is where all of them would end up if The Archery Bastards kept shooting everything that moved and upended the balance between the worlds.

Now-General Shigekuni Yamamoto, the unfortunate bastard to whom the task of defending the largest city in the Spirit world from invasion had fallen, needed some muscle.

Why me, of all people? Surely there were others more qualified? He wondered, staring at the latest round of reports from the meager handful of his men that remained. Or perhaps everyone smart enough to actually do this is also smart enough to realize it was a lost cause and had thrown their lot in with one of the Noble Houses, and I am on a fool's errand.

Even just a handful of warriors with sufficient strength could break the leading edge of the Quincy line, and let the small army that remained slip behind them in to cut the Quincies off from their supply lines. It was just that breaking the wall of archers required at least a dozen of him.

"Word from lieutenant Sasakibe!" Shouted one of his soldiers, sprinting in the door and thrusting a letter at him. "Sorry sir I just remembered how important it was that you heard from him as soon as possible."

"You did as I asked." Yamamoto nodded, opening the letter. He had needed to stay- both to recover from his injuries and because if the Quincy got much closer, using Ryujin jakka to create a wall of fire around the city might be the only way to hold them off- and he had tasked Chojiro Sasakibe, his Longest and Dearest friend, with finding him the strongest warriors in Soul Society.

He took the scroll and opened it, reading the neat but excitably slanted handwriting within-

Dearest Shigekuni,

I am relieved to report I have found a dozen extremely powerful warriors per your request! I went on a hunch a friend of mine had, and found a concentration of MANY powerful warriors that would be willing to aid our cause, but twelve among them are particularly standout candidates. Given the rapid advance of the Quincy Army, I have included a teleportation spell to their location at the end of this scroll so you may meet them immediately.

"Incredible!" Yamamoto laughed. "Is there nothing this man cannot do?"

I do beg of you though- Please, reserve your judgement of them until you have seen their capacity.

"Ah." Yamamoto sighed. "...of course there's a catch."

Their circumstances are... complex, and this has made many of them rough and peculiar to speak to, but I swear we will not find better warriors, at least not before the Quincy advance reaches Seireitei.

I await your arrival, Chojiro

Yamamoto unfurled the scroll a bit more to see the edge of the teleportation spell that would activate when exposed to sunlight. "Sir?" asked the young soldier.

"It seems Sasakibe was successful in finding me the assistance we need, but they are apparently a queer lot." Yamamoto rumbled, thinking. "There is a teleportation spell- How close did you say the Advance was?"

"Not more than a week out, sir."

"Hopefully less than two hours then." he grunted, standing up and carrying the scroll to the courtyard of the building he operated from- it was a place used to the many comings and goings of a large and complex organization, though the little Shrine to the God of Messages and messengers had been somewhat neglected of late. Yamamoto took a moment to sweep the leaves out of the shrine and bowed to the statue within, thanking it for delivering Sasakibe's message and asking for help delivering him to his friend.

"Any orders while you're away, Sir?" The soldier asked.

"Someone clean out that shrine and make it a proper offering. The last thing we need is for communications to go down." The General nodded.

"Yes Sir!" the soldier saluted.

Yamamoto unfurled the scroll and with a flash, vanished from the courtyard.

---

With the same flash, he appeared somewhere... foggy.

"Shigekuni?" a familiarly crisp voice asked somewhere in the ether.

"Chojiro?" Yamamoto called back, and the vague shape that might have been a rock in front of him stood up, arms open. He laughed, and embraced his friend. "Good job! How did you find them so fast?"

Sasakibe's warm smile suddenly stiffened into a grimace. "...Promise you will not be angry?"

"Chojiro?" Yamamoto frowned.

"See, I was asking my friends- only the most trusted of them, I swear- how to even go about finding warriors with everything scattered to the wind of late, and well- One of them suggested that only things that are powerful are widely feared, so look where fearsome things are to find powerful ones."

Yamamoto squinted at his friend, then around them at the dense fog, the strange rocky cliff beside them, and the distant sound of angry voices.

"Chojiro." Yamamoto asked, hands on his shoulders. "Where are we?"

Sasakibe pointed up behind Yamamoto where characters had been carved into the stone cliff.

The Nest Of Maggots

"Chojiro."

"Yes, sir?"

"This is a prison."

"Yes, sir."

"This is a prison for the kind of filth that even the most bitterly factious clans agree is a danger to have wandering around. The kind that they already tried and failed to weaponize against each other. This is a prison for Monsters."

"...Yes, sir." Sasakibe sighed. "-But, is is not monsters we need?"

Yamamoto was silent for a time, thinking of the swathes of pointless destruction- salted fields and burnt villages- of the senseless loss of life- slaughtering soldier and civilian alike down to the last man, woman and child- of the cruel and twisted powers of the chosen favorites of Yhwach.

"Monsters to fight monsters." He shook his head. "What is this world coming to?" Yamamoto sighed.

Sasakibe looked away, unable to meet his friend's gaze. "Still, beggars can't be choosers." Yamamoto nodded. "Show them to me."

--- All twelve "Most Dangerous" of The Nest's prisoners had been herded together into something approximating a straight line in the middle of the rocky cavern that housed the prisoners here, though some of them were already beginning to meander, and one woman near the end of the line had, rather rudely, decided to remain seated in Yamamoto's presence. The lineup was... less than impressive. Two of the women looked like they belonged on pinup posters rather than death row. One of the men looked like a washed-up Sumo, another like an ashtray that had been cursed to roam the afterlife as a human. On one end of the line was an ancient and decrepit old man, and on the other was a- Yamamoto wasn't actually sure if they were a man or a woman, but in another life, they had definitely been a cat.

"These are the most powerful fighters in the Spirit World?"  He muttered to Chojiro.

"These are the most still-alive-est fighters in the Spirit World." Chojiro clarified.

"...Fuck it. " Yamamoto sighed under his breath, before stepping forward and addressing them properly.

"I am General Shigekuni Yamamoto of The Seireitei. I don't know how long you've been in this hole-" Yamamoto paused, sensing that something was off.

None of the Prisoners were looking at him. In fact, the all seemed very dedicated to looking everywhere but at him. Some were inspecting the stalactites, others were examining the grit on the cave floor, or staring into the metaphysical abyss somewhere just over his shoulder, and one man had pulled his very silly straw hat down in front of his face.

"-Alright, what the hell is going on?" Yamamoto growled.

There was a general unenthusiastic sort of shuffling and a distinct lack of answers.

"Remember everyone!" The man next to the cat-in-human-form spoke up while examining his fingernails. He looked more like an accountant than someone who belonged on Death Row, but the others perked up and paid attention. "-We are not to speak to any guards of visitors until our representative arrives and has given us permission to do so." The others nodded and resumed looking anywhere but at Yamamoto.

"...Representative?" Sasakibe lightly growled at a guard, whose complexion went from 'ashen' to 'deathly'.

"They um. Well. They've gotten rather close to one of the other prisoners, but she's no good in a fight, so we left her-" The Guard sputtered under Sasakibe's withering glare.

"-Miss Tsubaki was waiting at the Primary gate last I saw her." continued the man who looked like an accountant and that Yamamoto was becoming increasingly sure was armed, despite allegedly having been searched and denied any tools in his confinement. "...I say to no-one in particular." He added.

There was a moment of silence.

Yamamoto struck the tired-looking, gray-haired young woman beside the accountant, sending her stumbling back, but the accountant and the sturdily-built blonde man beside her stepped in to catch her, the rest of the line snapping to attention, eyes fixed on him with utter rage.

"Now that I have your attention-" Yamamoto started again, the gray-haired woman coughing as the sturdy blonde helped her back to her feet. "-As I was saying, the Spirit World is being invaded, and you're all being conscripted to-"

"Yachiru!" Snapped a young woman behind them.

Yamamoto turned to glare at the interloper, but instead found that the gaunt-looking woman that had remained seated had somehow apparently teleported and tackled Sasakibe to the wall behind them, one arm pressed to his throat, slowly choking him. Apparently-Yachiru's other hand had put some substantial holes in his abdomen and she paused from where she was about to stark licking Sasakibe's blood off her fingers to look at who had spoken.

"Don't eat that! You don't know where it's been!" Said a waifish young woman in threadbare prisoner's robes who could not have been taller than 4'10". She was quite striking, with large, dark eyes, sharp cheekbones, and a long aquiline nose. She took Yachiru's bloodied hand and dragged her back to the group. Yamamoto tried to keep his pace even as he walked over to check on Sasakibe, who immediately sat up and waved him off.

"...Thirsty." Grunted Yachiru- She might also have been beautiful, with her pale, round face and smooth black hair, were it not for the haunted, carnivorous look in her eye and her apparently literal bloodthirst. She stopped halfway back to the group to give a wet, hacking cough that made Yamamoto's skin crawl, and spat out a gob of bloody phlegm on the floor.

"You'll feel better when you get Minazuki back." the young woman reassured her, helping Yachiru sit back down, the others taking seats on the stone floor as well, in two neat lines behind her, the Human Cat behind one shoulder, the Accountant behind the other. "Is everyone else alright?"

"Kinroku definitely did not tell the guards to go get you." announced the man from behind his straw hat. "Also the mean old man hit Chigiri."

"I understand. Do you need assistance, Chigiri?

"The Old Goat has a sucker-punch like a rocket but I'll live." grunted Chigri, rubbing her abdomen and waving her hand interrogatively at Yachiru, who shrugged in reply.

"Despicable Behavior, hitting a medic." the human ashtray sniffed disapprovingly. Yamamoto could feel the Reiatsu of the group now, previously held in check, now starting to unfurl and growl and snarl at him.

"You BASTARDS-!" Yamamoto snarled, lunging towards the young woman, who instinctively made a fist in front of her chest, grabbed it with her other hand, and swung her whole body around, slamming her elbow into his eye socket and nose, and he stumbled, falling to his knees. It wasn't that hard a hit, not compared to what he was used to, but there was genuine killing intent behind it, much like the heel she struck into the side of his head, knocking him over the rest of the way in surprise. Miss Tsubaki's large, dark eyes were full of rage as she glared down at him, grinding his head into the floor under her toes. "Ah." He said, finally recognizing her from images in the intermittent news bulletins. Tsubaki was a middle daughter of one of the most powerful of the Noble Houses who had suddenly vanished from public view the year before. The rumor was that she had been imprisoned by her father for dangerous activities like 'Going Places' and 'Writing Letters' or even 'Having Opinions'. It was apparently true, but if she'd managed to organize the dirtiest dozen of the Maggot's Nest, he was beginning to understand her father's choice of internment. "Miss Tsunayashiro, I presume."

"I am her, and I am here in my capacity as their Union Representative. This means you do not talk to them. You talk to me." She lightly snarled, removing her surprisingly sharp-heeled foot from his temple and sitting seiza in front of the group. "Now what is it that you have brought us here to discuss?"

"Your friends are getting conscripted." he glared, slowly getting up and standing to address her. Returning the blow to a civilan, no matter who her family was or how hard she hit, was beneath either of their dignity, but a little looming was alright.

"We're getting hired." She corrected him. "With proper contracts and compensation."

"Shut up or else." He snarled, reconsidering the value of his dignity.

"...Or else what, exactly?" She asked.

Yamamoto bristled, and slowly drew his sword. Tsunayashiro's gaze flicked to the blade, following it's gleam as he brought it up to her throat, tipping her chin up with the point. "-Or you will all die right here." Tsubaki closed her eyes, sighed deeply and opened them again, gaze fixed on his. He could feel her pulse through Ryujin Jakka's blade.

...Steady as a rock.

"Alright." She spoke evenly. "Strike me down."

Yamamoto blinked.

"We are already on Death Row, General." She explained slowly as though speaking to an idiot. "None of us have families to speak of, or to speak to, for you to threaten. We're already cold and barely allowed to sleep and starving and in constant pain from broken bones or missing organs or untreated injuries. We are all already doomed to die or suffer gross abasement. You, however-"

She slowly stood up, neck sliding a bit on Ryujin Jakka's blade, drawing a trickle of blood.

"-I've been in here for the better part of a year, I believe, but news trickles in. Guards leave to replace soldiers fallen on the battlefield. Rations dwindle as farmland is overrun or destroyed. Political prisoners are freed and returned home as more popular heirs and scions are killed. You, General Shigekuini Yamamoto, need help with this war, and need it badly, to come here for it." Tsubaki continued, stepping forward and pressing a bit more into the blade, the trickle running more strongly, down her throat and into the folds of her thin Yukakta, staining the fabric bright red.

"So go on. Strike us down." She spoke softly. "Spare us the Humiliation of a Public execution or the horrors of a lobotomy, and doom yourself."

Yamamoto, quite possibly for the first time in his life, hesitated.

"If you cannot do that, sit down and negotiate like a civilized person." She said. The blood stained her entire breast now, but she did not flinch or waver.

Slowly, glaring and refusing to break eye contact, he withdrew his blade, wiped it down and sheathed it. Teeth gritted and heart unexpectedly racing, he sat. Lady Tsunayashiro followed, head still held high, though that may have been so Chigiri could lean forward and press a pad of torn robe to her throat, stemming the bleeding as she bandaged it, muttering curses.

"We're being invaded by an army of mutant humans called "Quincy" who can shoot arrows made of pure reishi, which can obliterate a soul entirely. They're lead by some monster called Yhwach, who seems hell-bent on conquering the entirety of the Living and Spirit worlds, and is apparently capable of killing small gods and Kami." Yamamoto explained, trying to stress the depth of the situation. He'd never been in a labor negotiation before, and was hoping they'd be more reasonable if he made an emotional appeal. "Kill enough of the archery bastards and live, and I'll have all your crimes pardoned."

"What a shame, what a shame." clucked the old man at the far end of the lines. "You young people just don't know how to handle things..."

"Hmmm..." The person who was definitely at least spiritually a cat pursed their lips. "Oh, uh- Chika Shihon." the bowed their head. "-It's a good start, but I'm gonna need a hell of a payday, seeing as nobody will hire an ex-criminal, even a pardoned one, and about forty more people need to die before my family will consider taking me back in."

"As well as some form of protection from political reprisals, or there won't be an opportunity to spend any of that payday." said Kinroku the Accountant, rubbing his nose like he was going to push up a pair of glasses he wasn't wearing.

"Paying criminals? Surely, you can't be serious!" Sasakibe scoffed.

"I am serious, and my name is Tsubaki, not Shirley." The representative quietly smirked at him. "Well, General? What price are you willing to offer for the salvation of all of Soul Society?"

"I want to see some proof before we talk price." Yamamoto glared at the Death Row From The Dumpster before him.

"Fair enough." Nodded Tsubaki, turning her head to address the group. "After me, who would you all say is the weakest fighter?"

The group considered this for a moment.

"Strongest is easy, its Yachiru, even with the missing lung." waved the pinup girl with the eyepatch and pigtails.

"Give Uhin some credit!" Protested the other pinup girl with the tits that were individually larger than her head.

"That's sweet of you to say Batsu-" Uhin the Giant in the back row laughed, patting the second girl's head. "-But also holy shit, no. Yachiru could disembowel me and strangle me with my own intestines before I could get off the mark! No offense little man, but I think it's Furuoki." He said, patting the straw hat of the man in front of him.

"Really?" Tits McGee pondered. "I was going to say Nobutsuna."

"I was gonna say me too." announced the human ashtray with a rough and reedy voice. "I hate fighting." "Yeah, but you hit like a fuckin' rockslide. Yeah, it's Furuoki." Agreed eyepatch.

"Mr. Otogawa-" Tsubaki addressed Furuoki the hat man. "-It's rather dark in here, would you please let in some light?"

Furuoki blinked at her, confused.

"Show the old man you can punch a hole in the ceiling." Yachiru translated for him, wetly.

"Okay!" Furuoki chirped happily, getting up and walking a few feet away.

"MORE!" yelled the group.

"Over by the guard tower!" Encouraged the large and rather jolly looking man, save for how he seemed to have lost both his lips and most of the front of his mouth, but had only bothered to replace his missing teeth with gold ones, giving him a permanent lipless grin.

Furuoki walked over towards the guard tower until the guards approached him and told him to back up, paced a bit until he found a suitable middle ground, and squinted up at the ceiling.

"Sir-" Sighed the head guard walking towards Furuoki as frowned at the ceiling. "Sir that's half a mile of solid rock and twelve different magical wards above you. It's not gonna work."

Furuoki instead dropped down on one knee, aimed, and-

A dazzling blue-green light and a noise like the roaring fires of Hell Itself erupted from his fist as he punched up towards the ceiling, vaporizing the stone above him and making all 12 wards chime and tinkle like glass as he broke through them. As the mushroom cloud of dust dispersed, sunlight began to filter in through the hole, at least 100 feet in diameter. The top third of the Guard tower seemed to have evaporated as well, and the guards were scrambling to try to control the panic.

"Is that enough?" Furuoki called.

"...Is it, General?" miss Tsubaki asked.

"...Ten Thousand Kan?" Yamamoto tried.

"That's fine dear, please come sit back down." Tsubaki waved.

"I am surprised, general." She smiled at Yamamoto in a way that reminded him uncomfortably of they way the post office cat would smile at the mice. "Ten Thousand Kan annually per individual is a very reasonable offer."

"A one-time payment of Ten thousand Kan to be split between the group." he growled.

"No." She shook he head. "You're offering us annual salaries, individually."

"The hell I am."

"Then we will enjoy watching the collapse of civilization through the new Skylight Furuoki made us." She replied, unconcerned. "You may have noticed, General, that there is a war on, and this is an exceptionally safe and secure place to be. Make it worth leaving."

"-Two minutes ago this was a frozen hellhole you were all starving in." he glared.

"Ah, but the view and property value has improved substantially in the last two minutes!" She smiled, unconcerned with his complaints. "There is no punishment you could mete out that is worse than remaining here, General, but you are not an advancing army of superhuman mutants, and there are MANY things the Quincy can do to us that are worse than remaining here. You are in a most unenviable position."

Yamamoto grimaced. "You're sure this is the best there is?" he muttered to Sasakibe.

"We could also try swearing loyalty to one noble house and hoping the other four don't try to kill us before the Quincy do." Sasakibe grunted, hand over the puncture wounds in his guts. "I don't like it either. but I like our other options even less."

Yamamoto sighed. "...Five thousand Kan Annually per individual."

"Ten thousand." replied Tsubaki.

"Seven thousand."

"Ten thousand."

"That's not how this is supposed to go." Yamamoto grumbled.

"And yet, this is how it's going." She smirked. "There is also the matter of the political protections!"

"DAMMIT!"

---

Half an hour later, terms had been reached.

Full pardons, Ten Thousand Kan, annually per individual (plus expenses), and political protections in the form of employing them as commanding officers on the condition that they "-Don't get killed, and prove you're smarter than a sack of hammers and at least half as useful."

"No for real, I'll forgive the old man the gut punch, lemme do something so you're not bleedin' all over my contract?" Chigiri sighed, watching Sasakibe write up the contracts.

"I'll trust my body to keep my guts on the right side of my skin over someone's dirty socks." he sighed. "Or do you have something else on hand?"

"Minazuki." Muttered Yachiru, leaning heavily on Chigiri.

"Oh right! I keep forgetting she does the fish thing." Chigiri perked up. "Yeah tell the guards to go get her sword, it turns into a... fuckin' whatsit, the big flat fish? Turns into one of those that can heal anything."

"Again, I trust my own faculties over any sort of Healing Halibut." Chojiro groaned.

"Stingray." Yachiru muttered, wheezing a bit. "Minazuki is a stingray."

"Alright, back in line everyone- I need you all to confirm your identities and what crimes you need pardoned, and to sign your contracts." Sasakibe sighed, standing up with the contracts and handing the first to Yamamoto.

"Shigekuni Yamamoto, Dereliction of duty and Mail-tampering, among other assorted sins." He said, smirking a bit at his own joke as he took the contract.

"Thank you sir." Sasakibe sighed, shuffling the pile of folders containing the files of the dozen criminals, and stepping up to the first one.

"Chika Shihon-" He read off, matching the drawn portrait to the person in front of him- Chika was a rather handsome young thing, with warm bronze skin and short, soft white hair. It was the gleam in their yellow eyes that made Sasakibe worry. "- Sentenced to lifetime imprisonment or death for staging a clan coup, twelve counts of fratricide and... dabbling in forbidden Kido?"

"Oh, like you've never had a family dinner that got out of control!" Chika huffed, indignant.

"I'm more curious about the Kido, actually." Yamamoto said, peering over his file.

Chika beamed and Sasakibe got as far as a choked "NOT HERE-!" before they vanished in a cloud of smoke. When it cleared, they were still wearing the same excited expression, but now as a small white house cat.

Sasakibe and Yamamoto stared at the cat for a moment, then at each other in a mutual expression of I can't believe we've been reduced to asking these freaks for help.

"Well, when you've got thumbs again, please read your contract, then sign and initial all the indicated areas, and swipe your blood across the bottom." Sasakibe sighed, bending over to hand the kitty their contract. "Remember, these contracts are legally and magically binding. Betray us, and die immediately."

"Next is- Kinroku Izuhara-" Sasakibe was interrupted by one of guards appearing with the confiscated personal belongings of the prisoners, including an entire bundle of swords under his arm.

"I understand not giving us our weapons until the contracts are signed and the seal is placed upon us, but may I have my glasses back?" Kinroku asked, voice crisp and arch. He was certainly the least ragged-looking of the group, his graying hair still neatly trimmed and face clean-shaven.

Yamamoto held out a hand and the guard placed the appropriate glasses in his palm. "Trade you for whatever you have that's kept you so clean-shaven it's making my mustache itch." Yamamoto glared.

Kinroku smirked, and produced a piece of bone that had been exquisitely sharpened into a razor's edge.

"This is a human bone." Yamamoto observed.

"Unfortunately, poorer quality than the bones of pigs or cattle in terms of holding an edge, but it's done it's job." Kinrku nodded.

"...This says you're on death row for ...Tax Evasion?" Sasakibe glared at the file as the blade was traded for the glasses.

"Yes. I made an unfortunate miscalculation regarding the loyalty of my men, so I am glad you are taking adequate precautions." Kinroku muttered, cleaning his glasses on his robe, holding them up to the dim sunlight filtering through the hole, and frowning, disappointed.

"Men?" Yamamoto asked. "You've had experience commanding armed forces before?"

"After a fashion." he said, signing the contract and biting into his thumb to finish the deal. "You've heard of The Vipers of the southern reaches?"

"The decentralized bandit gang that disbanded a few years back? I thought their leader had died?" Sasakibe frowned.

Kinroku smirked at him.

"...Oh, for fuckssake." Sasakibe groaned.

"Chigiri Shijima." Yamamoto read off, having already moved on. "...What the hell kind of charge is Aggravated Medical Research?"

"Can't make an emergency field medicine manual omlette without breaking a few bones. And causing a few disembowelments. And poking out a few eyes." She explained.

Yamamoto slowly arched an eyebrow at her.

"I PUT 'EM ALL BACK!" Chigiri protested. "...Eventually."

"Read. Sign. Blood." Yamamoto sighed, handing her the contract.

"For real though, your man okay? I can have those stitched in under a minute." Chigiri pointed her thumb at Sasakibe.

"That's some fast-acting painkillers." Sasakibe noted.

"What painkillers?" Chigiri asked, genuinely confused.

"...I'll take my chances with the halibut." Sasakibe winced, turning to the next man in line. "Danjiro Obana?"

"Yeah!" Grinned the sturdy-looking blonde man, all smiles and friendliness now that an agreement had been reached. "Lookin' forward to workin' with you guys!"

"...Imprisoned for cannibalism?" Sasakibe asked, horrified.

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Danjiro hollered, voice echoing around the cavern.

"How do you accidentally consume human flesh?" Yamamoto glared.

"Well- okay it wasn't an 'accident' per se, but look, that Ise Clan guy locked me in the family mausoleum to die, and understandably, I got the munches, and the coffins were fulla, eh... post-sapient jerky?" Danjiro explained. "I really don't know what he expected to happen. Really surprised when he opened up the door a month later and I gut punched his spine out though. I don't regret that one bit."

"You know? That's fair." decided Sasakibe, handing him a contract. "Read, sign, blood."

"Yessir!" Danjiro saluted happily.

"Furufoshi Saito?" Yamamoto asked the young woman with the purple pigtails and eyepatch that was next in line.

"I DID NOT 'KIDNAP' HIM, HE'S MY HUSBAND AND THEY'RE ALL A BUNCH OF PRICKS!" She roared.

Yamamoto blinked at her, then leaned over to read "Accused of Abducting and 'Deflowering' the eldest son of the Kuchiki clan' on her file. "...Care to elaborate on that?"

"I found poor Kyoga-kun half-dead on my doortstep after the battle of River Bo- he still had spears in him, the poor thing! So like a sane and reasonable person I took him in and nursed the sweet thing back to heath and- well, a beautiful man in my bed, grateful to me for saving his life and offering me his eternal love and gratitude- How could a girl resist?" She sighed, hearts in her remaining eye.

"-and since I'd carried him over the threshold into my home we were basically married already, so it wasn't wrong of me to ride him like a pony or violate his warranty like that! He loved it! He loves ME! AND I LOVE HIM! It's just that the rest of the Kuchiki clan are a bunch of snobs with no sense of romance." She sighed, melancholy, then looked up at him, chewing her lip in nervousness. "...You haven't. heard anything about him?"

Yamamoto considered her story, and the few times he'd met Kyoga Kuchiki- a delicate young man with a sense of romantic grandeur and when he'd seen the boy recently, he had been lying facedown on the floor and sobbing, in quite some distress over being separated from his beloved-

"...Daddy Bear?" Yamamoto asked, bewildered.

"MY LITTLE BABY BEAR REMEMBERS ME!" She shrieked with joy, "Is he alright? I've been so worried, he still wasn't over that septic infection and the war keeps getting closer-" She demanded, grabbing Yamamoto by his Kosode and shaking him for answers.

"-As of last month, he was distraught over your absence, but otherwise hale. The sooner the Quincy are dead, the sooner you can see him again. Read, sign, blood." Yamamoto said, detangling himself from her and putting the contract between them.

"Ah, Ever-turbulent but true runs the course of Love." sighed the charred man beside her. "Nobotsuna Shigyo, at your service." he introduced himself, bowing politely.

"I'm Batsu'unsai Katori- We were arrested and imprisoned for roughly the same incident and it may help to be introduced at the same time." Said the woman with the exceptionally large breasts beside him. "Um, I'll need my glasses back too- Oh, thank you!"

"The sight of sunlight is so strange after such time." Mused Nobotsuna. "Even before our imprisonment, the Lady Katori and I were leaders of a secret underground society!"

"It was less of a society and more of a Polycule that got out of control-" Explained Batsu'unsai. "Once I discovered by spiritual powers, I moved in with the great sage Shou Dokutsu, and began hanging out with and then dating other people with spiritual powers and they started bringing their partners to my district and pretty soon there were so many of us that the easiest way to house everyone was to start developing the extensive underground cave systems in the area."

"We manufactured many fine magical artifacts, so called ourselves The Under-Wares!" Said Nobotsuna.

"We actually called ourselves The Kido Union, because in addition to the magical tools, we formed a united labor front to keep the clans from exploiting us." She explained, and Yamamoto began to understand her interruption.

"I am the wise Loremaster of our people!" Said Nobutsuna.

"He's a stablehand." Batsu'unsai smiled.

"But the clans did not like that they were no longer able to exploit and abuse us now that we had allied in great numbers, and war came to our peaceful nation of Shou's Hole!" he said, with genuine sadness.

Yamamoto and Sasakibe looked back at Batsu'unsai.

"It actually is called Shou's Hole." she sighed. "He just wanted it so badly."

"I wore them down!" Notbotsuna grinned.

"Still, the clans did not like that they now had to pay to have magical labor done and that we would outright refuse their more barbaric requests, and eventually I think it was the Shibas that mounted an all-out assault on us. Last I heard, most of the Union made it out through the other exits from the caves, but Dokutsu-san and most of our heavy hitters stayed at the primary entrance to buy time. Nobotsuna and I were the only ones to survive the assault, and Hiraku Shiba had us thrown in here." Batsu'unsai sighed.

"Prick." Spat Nobotsuna. "Oh sure, when a head of one of the so-called 'Noble' houses goes around decapitating people and burning them alive it's considered 'honorable combat' and 'keeping the peace', but when I, a man whose family tree isn't a fucking wreath of incest, retaliates in a decidedly less lethal fashion suddenly its 'treason' and 'making up a spell called Penis Blast is a war crime'!!"

"-What kind of blast?" asked Sasakibe.

"He can demonstrate it for us on The Archery Bastards. Read, sign, blood." Yamamoto said, thrusting contracts at them.

"Entetsu Kumoi." Read off Sasakibe as they came to the bald man who was nearly as wide as he was tall, with the exposed gold teeth. Entetsu looked up from where he'd finished putting his glasses back on and arranged his hairless brows into something that indicated that he'd be smiling politely if he had lips. "Imprisoned for your participation in the riot at the Windroad House, where you..." Sasakibe frowned at the file. "-Attacked and killed one hudred fifty-seven town guards with a brick, and mounted an assault on the local Dyamo?"

"Always morally correct, hittin' cops with bricks." Nodded Entetsu. "-Specially ones comin' t' kill just because some people are out havin' a good time, doin' no harm to no-one."

"The Windroad House is a Bar in the 3rd district famous for it's ah. Exotic. Cabaret performances." Sasakibe explained to Yamamoto, who didn't get out much.

"You were. At one of these performances?' Yamamoto asked.

"Ah, nah- just gotten off the job and had nipped down to the pub across th'way for a pint when I saw the pigs kick in the door an' start dragggin' the ladies out and I thought 'well that ain't right', so I started throwin' bricks until I were on me last brick and then I hunted them down wit' that last brick until there were none left." he explained. "Then I thinks, 'well, there's only none left until more come from the station', so's I made me way up the road to the station wit' me brick and had me a little hogslaughter up there too, see?"

"...And you just. kept going?" Sasakiba asked.

"So's I did! Right up to the head hog's trough, though by then it were well early in the mornin' and I were tired an' had some dozen spears in me back and me brick had fallen apart, so's I dinna get hims haunches fer ham." Entetsu sighed.

"Persistence! Very good quality in a captain!" Grinned Yamamoto, handing him the contract. "You know what to do by now."

They turned to the rather comely young man with the straw hat. "Furuoki, was it?" Yamamoto asked, feeling something that wasn't hopeful, per se, but these were strong people, and deeply insane and they were agreeing to help him, something that made his heart race with a delirious sort of mania.

"Yes. I am Furuoki Otogawa." he nodded.

"-And you're imprisoned here for- ecological terrorism, defiling holy a holy site and creating a dangerous magical device?" Sasakibe asked.

"What?" asked Yachiru, getting back to her feet and leaning heavily on him. "You told me you were in here for Jaywalking?"

"I thought I was?" Said Furuoki, frowning and tipping his head with confusion.

"It says here you constructed a device over the Tenjo no Ganbo waterfalls to, ah- 'suck up the carp in the pool at the base of the waterfall and launch them, at speed, up and over the waterfall'." Sasakibe read off and looked up to see Furuoki staring into the distance, eyes watering.

"They wanted to get to the lake at the top so badly they were swimming up the waterfall, but they kept falling down and getting hurt!" he sobbed, overcome with emotion. "I just made a chute to safely carry them to the top and gently toss them in the lake! how is that a crime?"

"-because when a carp makes it to the top of Tenjo no Ganbo falls, IT TURNS INTO A DRAGON! YOU MADE HUNDREDS OF DRAGONS SUDDENLY APPEAR! THOUSANDS BEFORE THEY COULD DISMANTLE THE DAMN THING!!" Sasakibe shouted.

"Ohhh." Furuoki said, nodding. "-I'd wondered where all the dragons had come from. I still don't see why that's a crime though?"

"Gods help us." Groaned Yamamoto.

"Dragons tend to be. Kinda destructive." Yachiru spoke slowly, her voice still rough and hollow-sounding. " 'specially to little villages."

"Oh." Furuoki said quietly, horrified.

"Don't worry, I'll deal with them once I get my lung back and bust outta this joint." Yachiru reassured him as Sasakibe handed Furuoki his contract.

"You wont be 'busting out' of anywhere, miss-" Sasakibe suffled the papers to open her file. "-Yachiru Unohana! You're obligated to serve General Yamamoto in exchange for your freedom, seeing as you're imprisoned for- for-"

Sasakibe froze, staring at the file. "-That has to be a Mistake."

"What?" Grunted Yamamoto, sizing the woman up. According to the group, if Furuoki who could rip this heavily fortified prison open like an ant's nest was their weakest fighter, this sickly-looking woman was their strongest.

"The file says she's imprisoned for killing ten thousand people!" babbled Sasakibe.

"Oh, no, that isn't right." grunted Yachiru, and Sasakibe sighed with relief.

"-Should be closer to twelve or fifteen thousand." She clarified, and Sasakibe went white.

"Read, sign, mark with your blood at the bottom." Yamamoto sighed, thrusting the contract at her.

"Uhhh... can't." She said, staring blankly at the contract, then slowly looking up at Yamamoto.

"What do you mean 'can't'?"  he growled.

"I can't read." she said.

Sasakibe hid his face in his hands, groaning with pain, while Yamamoto turned on his heel and threw his hands in the air, silently beseeching any available Gods for help.

"You get what you pay for, General." Called Chika, having changed back into the clothes they'd arrived in- garish red-orange and black ninja garb of the Shihon clan- and tying their sword back onto their gaudy belt.

"I am paying all of you a frankly OBSCENE amount of money, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect basic literacy!" Yamamoto snapped.

"It's okay girl, I'll read it to you and then you can have Minazuki back, okay?" Chigiri volunteered, wrapping an arm around her illiterate compatriot and walking her back to some seat-height rocks.

"Let's just get this over with." Yamamoto sighed, glaring at Tsubaki, who only smiled serenely back at him. "Uhin Zenjoji?"

"Present, sir." Beamed the enormous man who looked like a professional Sumo wrestler- there was fat, lots of it, but underneath, an unsettlingly steady grace and power to his movements.

"Your file says you're imprisoned for Smuggling, Murder, Bootlegging, Murder, Trafficking, Murder, More murder and... one hundred seventy two violations of The Migratory Bird Act?"

"The only two I will dispute are the trafficking and migratory bird charges-" he said, delicately holding up two fingers. "-firstly, it's not trafficking to move refugees from the clan wars out of danger without giving the aforementioned clans a cut. I'm no pimp."

"And the birds?" Yamamoto glared, intrigued more than anything.

"A man may have his hobbies and his charitable works!" Uhin said, touching his hand to his chest in faux-impassioned speech. "I collect and breed rare and endangered birds- the world would a sadder place without their songs. So I have- well, had- an aviary up in the mountains where they could be propagated in peace." Uhin sighed.

"Huh. Something nearly bordering on sanity." said Sasakibe said, offering Uhin his contract.

"Got any of them- whatsit- the big kicky bitches?" Danjiro asked.

"Cassowaries?" Uhin asked. "But of course! Delightful little creatures."

Yamamoto decided he didn't hear that, actually, and turned his attention to the final member of the dirty dozen.

"Hello young man!" the decrepit old man creaked cheerfully. "I am Saizo Sakahone." he was bald, liver-spotted, missing teeth and had a spine that bowed like a fishing rod with something much too large for the boat on the end of the line.

"Sakahone like the province?" asked Yamamoto, remembering the western area he'd traveled through recently.

"...In a manner of speaking, I suppose?" Saizo grinned. "Though it's rather the other way around- my lovely wife, may she rest in peace, managed to bear me no less than sixteen beautiful daughters, and they bore at least a dozen granddaughters and so on- Why, by my one thousand one hundred and eleventy-eth birthday, I had somewhere over fifty thousand descendants! So I am not so much named after the province, as the province is named after me!" he chucked.

"...by the Gods." marveled Sasakibe.

"Look, I love my sword too but at least I take it out of the scabbard sometimes." sighed Yamamoto. "What're you in for, family man?"

"O-ho! Now that was quite rash of me, I'm afraid. Yes-" Saizo nodded, rubbing his gnarled-oak hands. "-but as you say, I am a family man and there is nothing I despise so much as someone who does violence to children. No, no, nothing more vile in the world than that..."

Yamamoto felt Sasakibe go stiff beside him, and glanced over. Sasakibe tipped the file closer for his friend to read.

"-The total annihilation of the Uchimaki clan?" Yamamoto asked.

"I was born a shepherd, my boy. My people have been herding cattle over the hills of my province since there were cattle and hills to herd them over. When rot and madness like that turns up in a line- you need to cull backwards at least three generations or it'll set root and spread through your whole herd." he sighed. "What a shame, what a shame, but it had to be done, or they would have learned to turn a profit, treating children like that, and then we'd never be rid of it."

"I saw the crater. Half a mile deep and three times as wide." Said Yamamoto, mustache trembling. "I thought the wrath of the Gods themselves had descended upon them."

"Hm." Saizo nodded, jaw trembling a bit with palsy. "Hm, yes. That's what it felt like."

"Would you like to feel it again?" Yamamoto asked.

"No." Saizo shook his head, but slowly straightened up as much as he could- he must have been close to seven feet tall before the scoliosis set in- flexing his hands and rolling his neck, the power held withing that body starting to come off him in shimmering golden steam. "-but if that's what it takes for me to go home again, then I will be the tool of the Gods once more."

Yamamoto offered him the contract, and did not need to give him instructions.

Behind them, there was a quiet but extremely invasive wet noise and Yamamoto turned to see Unohana unsheath her... well, it lived in a scabbard but it was a muddy green and unusually gooey for a sword. Minazuki bubbled forth from her scabbard, trilling faintly as she solidified and formed into a mottled green cyclopean stingray, large enough to swallow a man, nuzzling at her human affectionately.

"Huh. She does seem to have an exceptionally intimate bond with her Zanpaktou..." Sasakibe noted, then flinched as Minazuki's mouth opened to reveal a fleshy interior of writhing tentacles and strange glands. Without hesitation, Unohana shed her prisoner's robe, which was apparently the and stepped inside to be swallowed with a sigh of relief.

"Very intimate!" grinned Chigiri at Sasakibe's shoulder. "My offer to stitch you up is still on the table, unless you want to develop a similarly intimate relationship with a fish."

"Never did care for seafood..." Sasakibe muttered.

"What about Tsubaki-san?" Furofushi frowned. "Where's her contract?"

"I came here for fighters." Yamamoto shook his head, turning to Tsubaki. "But you are right that The Maggot's Nest is a secure fortress in it's own right. The war is no place for a pri-"

He stopped, staring. Tsubaki had sat down and was rubbing her feet, fingers laced between her toes. She glanced up at him, then down at her feet, smirked, and sat back, wiggling her toes. "No, I agree, the front is no place for a Princess, but it is very much a place for a Diplomat, isn't it?" she asked.

Yamamoto blinked. "I have been thoroughly disinherited from any political position I may have inherited, so I am no princess." She explained, rolling her ankle with a smirk. "-and you are, if I may make an estimation based on my training as a Lady Of Society and now that all of our contracts are signed and bonded, terrible at negotiations."

Yamamoto shook himself, trying to pretend he hadn't been staring at her arches. "...I thought it went fine? Nobody lost a hand."

She smiled, and walked up beside him, lacing her arm with his and gently patting his hand. "My dear. If bookies had been allowed to lay bets on this encounter, the odds of me losing my head would have been considered a sure thing, and the odds on my being able to convince you to properly hire us and pay us, I agree, an 'obscene' amount of money so slim that anyone who took my side would now be a very rich idiot."

Yamamoto squinted at her, trying to translate that in his head.

"...You've conned me." He glared.

"Quite badly, I'm afraid." She smiled.

"You've conned me, but you can con say, that idiot that runs the Omeda clan or the obnoxious boy with the cock's comb that follows Yhwach around even worse." He tried.

Miss Tsubaki smiled, and laced her fingers with his.

"I'm going to have someone much smarter than me write up your contract." he nodded. "Sasakibe? Can you get us home in a-"

Yamamoto turned to see his friend, standing with his robe open while Chigiri knelt before him. Yamamoto blinked in bewilderment, and then realized the woman was stitching his wounds up at speed, her face close to his navel to focus on her work.

"...Hurry?" Yamamoto asked.

"Boss if I go any faster I'm gonna sew his bellybutton shut." Chirigi replied, not looking up.

"She is almost done, sir." Sasakibe winced. "Please don't interrupt her work?"

--- It took a good half hour to get everyone together to leave- clothes changed, signed out of the Maggot's nest and their custody turned over to Yamamoto, Nobotsuna trying to smuggle his "pet" Salamander out, several other prisoners saying tearful goodbyes to Tsubaki and her taking their information down 'for later', Minazuki trying to eat the salamander, and further mayhem while Sasakibe finished drawing the teleportation circle but soon they were lined up, and as the spell activated, Tsubaki gripped Yamamoto's arm rather firmly.

But in a flash, they were returned to Headquarters, Tsubaki blinking from the bright sun.

"General!" the soldier saluted. "Good to see you again! No news from the front, but we have received word the Shihon clan has made an alliance with the Fon clan as the advance approaches their homeland."

"HAH!" Shouted Chika. "Either cousin Genki pulled his head out of his ass or whatever cousin they're on now has good taste! Mingyan is a BABE and a half."

"Nice digs, very nice." Nodded Danjiro, looking around the courtyard. "...Looks really familiar for some reason. Never been to Seireitei, but I swear I've been in a building just like this?"

The other criminals looked around the courtyard, frowning and muttering about how it DID look familiar, and not at all like barracks.

There was a distressing hurgling sort of noise behind them and Minazuki spat out Yachiru Unohana, who tumbled out, nude and covered in slime. She rolled to the foot of the shrine, and sat up, blinking at the statue inside.

"Hey-" She called, voice still low and a rough but the hollow wetness had gone. "-Why's the military got a shrine to Yatagarasu?"

The others looked at the shrine and then around the building again. The orderly layout, the way the men were fit and professional but not precisely military, the extensive filing and sorting system visible through the open doors, Yamamoto's confession to Mail-tampering, the shrine to the Messenger of the Gods...

"You know, I did think it was rather strange that you were able to rally a small but apparently quite fast and very loyal army without the aid of any major clans." Tsubaki sighed. "How very industrious of you, Postmaster-General Yamamoto!"