#i just really hate the instant response of 'defend the person whose hurt others because they werent always like that' whenever

[stitch1830]

Bets

Happy Mondangst! Here's some angsty Kantoph :)

......

“Da.”

“That’s right, baby girl!” he cheered in his most ridiculous baby voice. “Da da! Da da!”

Lin giggled in her father’s arms, and Toph jokingly scoffed at the two from the couch. She lay on her back with her hands behind her head, enjoying the vibrations of the two through the ball of her foot that she kept firmly on the ground. “You two are giving me a headache.”

“C’mon, Toph! It’s Lin’s first word, how can you hate this?”

“First off, she’s babbling. It’s not even words yet. Second, the fact that she’s making ‘D’ sounds instead of ‘M’ is the other reason.” she explained simply. “If she says ‘Dada’ before ‘Mama,’ that’s betrayal right there.”

“Sorry, Angel. I just have that effect on women, I guess.”

“Gross,” she complained, but pointed a smile at him, and she felt his heart quicken ever so slightly and his voice let out a quiet chuckle at their antics.

And when his gaze turned back to Lin, Toph could feel through the earth how at peace he was at that moment. Complete adoration for their baby, and she silently laughed to herself at the thought of him having to deal with Lin as a teenager. Oh, she would have him wrapped around her finger for all of eternity, Toph just knew it.

His voice broke up her thoughts. “Hey, what if we had a little competition?”

Toph said nothing, but raised an eyebrow at him, prompting him to continue. “What if we compete to find out who Linny walks to first?” he asked.

“What are the stakes?”

“If I win, we start trying for another baby.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” she laughed.

“And if you win, Lin’s our only perfect little girl.”

“And if she doesn’t walk to either of us??”

“Then we let fate and destiny take over,” he answered rather smugly.

Toph smirked and sat up from her position, ready to playfully protest this silly competition. “You realize that she’s gonna walk to you, right?”

“We don’t know that.”

“Right,” she responded sarcastically. “Lin, the little Daddy’s girl who shares the same birthday as her Baba and whose first words are gonna be ‘Dada’ and ‘Baba.’”

“Mama could be a close third,” he defended.

“Yeah, sure. I’m going to shake on a bet I’m bound to lose.”

“Just a little fun,” he replied, and she could hear the grin in his voice. “Obviously we’ve got time, but, I don’t know. I think it could be fun!”

“You and I have two very different definitions of fun,” she teased.

“But it’s harmless!”

“Harmless?” she laughed. “I could end up fat and pregnant at the end of this!”

“Only if you want to,” he added.

“So this isn’t even a bet at all,” she commented. “It’s just fake stakes on the table.”

She felt him shrug. “Bit of pride on the line, I suppose. What do you say?”

Toph wanted to continue berating him and teasing him, but his heart sang whenever Lin made a noise or reached out for something, and he adored playing little games like this with her. Perhaps deep down in a place that she barely allowed to admit to herself, she could imagine them having another baby. Even if Lin was almost 6 months old, she thought that maybe, just maybe, a family of four would be nice. And when Lin giggled at her father once again, Toph’s resolve to say no to those two disappeared.

Spirits, they had her whole heart, and she couldn’t help but shake her head as she smiled and extended her hand out to him.

“It’s only a bet if we shake on it.”

His silly cheer caused Lin to giggle more, and after he shook Toph’s hand to signify the start of the bet, he playfully kissed each knuckle before Toph mildly complained as she tried to free herself from his grasp.

~~~

They sat on her living room floor, engaged in small talk while they paid attention to Lin’s every move. The elephant koi in the room became a semi-permanent resident in the Beifong house, but everyone learned to live with it, Toph especially.

Sokka carefully treaded every conversation as he supported Lin to standing on her own two feet. Every now and again, his gaze would turn up to Toph to catch her expression. Today it was unreadable, but she sat on the floor with her legs out and leaned back on her arms, a sign of openness.

That was a good sign, right?

The warrior never knew what was good and what wasn’t anymore, because everything reminded them of him. Of Kanto.

And it was unfair, because Toph deserved to go about her life without having to be constantly reminded of the man she loved and lost to a crazy person. But there was no escape; Kanto was at her place of work, at their home, and he was there whenever Lin moved or breathed or learned something new.

None of that seemed to matter to the universe, however, and Toph and Lin and everyone else that loved Kanto lived with the reminder like chronic pain: constant, relentless.

Still, Toph’s body language was more positive than usual, so Sokka took the opportunity to strike up another small conversation.

“So,” he began by clearing his throat. “What do you and Lin have planned for the rest of the day?”

His friend shrugged in response and a nonchalant wave. “Eh, same old shit, Sokka. Maybe I’ll take her to the park. It is a nice day out.”

“How come you only call me Sokka, now?”

Toph shot him a confused look. “Because it’s your name??”

The man rolled his eyes to himself then said, “Well, yeah. I just mean you almost always called me ‘Meathead’ or ‘Snoozles’ or ‘Captain Boomerang.’”

A quiet scoff fell from Toph’s breath, and she dug her knuckles into her earthen floor. “Yeah, well nicknames are for fun times, and I haven’t been in a jovial mood as of late—”

“Toph I just mean—”

“So forgive me if I don’t feel the need to call you by some dumb nickname that reminds me of all the other stupid ones I called him.”

Sokka shut his mouth, but still held onto a bouncing Lin and stared at Toph. Her expression contorted into one of regret, and she let out a tired sigh.

“I’m sorry, Sokka. That was rude.”

“No, Toph, it’s okay,” he reassured her. “I just—”  Sokka paused before he continued. What he wanted was to help his friend and hoped she would return to her old self soon.

But the idea seemed silly after a second thought. How could she go back to her old self? Going back wasn’t an option, only forward, to a different Toph Beifong who loved and lost and learned to adapt to this difficult change.

So instead of saying I just want to help you get back to your old self, he amended his statement. “I just want to help you.”

“I know,” she sighed again as she moved to lie down on the ground. “I know you’re all trying to help.”

And Toph did know that. The whole group seemed bent over backwards in helping her through this mess of her life, and she not only wanted, but needed their help. However, figuring out things that did help seemed to be a challenge, for it all required talking or thinking about him.

She really couldn’t do that at this point, not even nine months after his death.

Saying his name sent her down a spiral of thoughts of longing and regret, the feeling so strong that it tempted her to visit their bedroom again. But she hadn’t stepped into that room since she was dragged out by Sokka, because she wasn’t sure she’d have the strength to leave it a second time.

Instead of visiting their shared bedroom or speaking her dead almost-fiancé’s name or figuring out what could possibly help her through this, she lay on the ground, focusing on the earth’s humming while blocking out all other erratic and uneven vibrations. It was soothing, being completely one with the earth and ignoring everything else. Her mind wasn’t racing, her heart wasn’t hurting, and she felt a feeling that strangely resembled tranqui—

“Toph?”

Her focus was broken, and as annoyed as she was, Toph responded to her friend and asked, “What is it?”

“Are you okay?”

“Stupid question.”

“I just mean—”

“Mama!”

Lin’s interruption pulled Toph further from the earth, and so she waved her hand in the air and exclaimed, “Mama’s right here, Lin. Just wallowing in self-pity as a widow does, although I’m not even sure I can call myself that.”

“Toph,” Sokka began, but Toph continued her useless ramble. “Probably not, since he didn’t even ask me to marry him. Kind of a requirement to be in the mopey widow club, don’t you think? Pathetic, really, I don’t even have a dead fiancé, just a dead baby daddy.”

“Toph—”

“You know what, guess it doesn’t matter I could just—”

“Toph!”

Sokka’s exclamation startled her, but she didn’t move from her spot. She waited for him to continue with whatever was so important to interrupt her self-deprecating monologue, but he didn’t speak again.

Instead, she felt little, uneven, and heavy footsteps toddle toward her. Toph sat upright in an instant, completely shocked at the sensation of Lin walking.

“Go Lin!” Sokka cheered.

Toph cheered as well and held her hands out excitedly to catch her daughter. “C’mere, Lin! You got it!”

And with a few babbles and shouts for Mama, Lin made her way into Toph’s arms.

The earthbender pulled Lin in for a tight hug and smothered her cheek with kisses. “You did it, baby girl! You took your first steps!”

“She’s a natural, Toph! Gonna be running tomorrow,” Sokka teased.

Toph grinned at the thought, and moved to balance Lin’s tiny feet on her knee. She felt Lin squirm in her arms and crane her neck, as if she was looking for someone.

“Dada.”

And with a single exclamaion of Lin’s favorite word, Toph’s heart shattered just as quickly as it soared a moment ago.

…….

Sokka’s grin faded slowly with Toph’s as he watched her realize what Lin wanted. In a second, one of the greatest feelings and feats of Toph’s baby girl turned into a situation of pure grief. And All he wanted was for his best friend to have a single fucking moment not be ruined by the memory of losing Kanto.

But that was impossible. Every accomplishment was tainted with this memory, and there was nothing to do but accept that harsh reality.

He watched Toph suddenly become overwhelmed by the grief. She bit her quivering lip as she combed through Lin’s hair over and over, fixating on a few curly strands at the top of her head.

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, all the while Lin kept asking for her dad. Sokka was about to intervene, but then Toph let out a quiet breath and answered Lin.

“Yeah, Lin. Dada would be so proud of you right now.” She formed a small, sorrowful smile at Lin while tears fell down her cheeks. “I’d rub it in his face, too.” Toph choked out a chuckle, then continued, “But Baba isn’t here anymore, baby girl. It’s just you and me.

“Don’t worry, kiddo. All your aunts and uncles will be around to bother us, especially this Meathead over there, okay?”

When she pointed a finger at Sokka, Lin turned to see, and smiled at him. And Sokka found himself grinning back at Lin for only a second. For when he turned his gaze to Toph, he saw her tear-stricken face and any signs of happiness left Sokka’s face.

He saw Toph hastily wipe at her eyes, then stood up with Lin in her arms. “Thanks for uh, coming by, Sokka. But Lin and I are gonna spend some time together alone.”

She walked out into the backyard before he could even protest.

Sokka didn’t move from his spot, however. He just sat there, thinking and wondering and hoping there was something he could do to help his friend. But she was a silent sufferer, carrying the burden of grief everywhere she went and barely let on what hurt the most about it all. As a bystander, it hurt Sokka to see her shoulder it all. What was he to do, though?

He let out a tired sigh. Sometimes there was nothing to do but be there, even if it made him feel useless.

……

“You’re  a terrible listener.”

Sokka ignored her jab and sat down next to her, Lin bouncing gleefully in her spot in front of her mother. He gave her elbow a light nudge and replied, “I know, but I know you don’t actually want to be alone.”

“I just said—”

“Listen, Toph. We don’t have to talk about it, about any of it. But you’re like me, okay? I don’t like talking about what’s bothering me, but that doesn’t mean solitude is the answer.”

Toph bit her lip as she considered the offer, but made no outright objections to his presence. So they sat there, silent and contemplative about everything and nothing in particular.

It wasn’t until minutes of silence (and little babbles and single words from Lin) that Toph finally spoke. She chose her words carefully, as if saying the wrong thing would send her down a rabbit hole of despair. But Sokka watched her and steadied her with a reassuring hand to her shoulder.

Toph gave a sad smile as she spoke and played with Lin’s wavy hair. “We, uh, we made a stupid bet.

“He liked these silly games and it made him so fucking happy, I didn’t think twice about them. And it gave us a reason to be competitive, and you know how we would get with this shit. Still, they were harmless.”

She hastily wiped her eyes then continued, “But then he wanted to have a bet on who Lin would walk to first, and he said that if Lin walked to him, we’d try for another baby. If she walked to me, no more kids.”

Toph let out a sorrowful chuckle as she slightly hung her head low and let the tears fall in her lap. Sokka’s eyes grew misty at the thought. A silly bet turned into a reminder for Toph, and it felt cruel.

But then Toph took in a deep breath and brought her head back up, pointing her gaze toward the warrior. “You know what’s even crazier? I was gonna let him win. Under the illusion I was upset, of course.”

Sokka softly chuckled at that.

Lin cried out and turned to face Toph, who gently rubbed her daughter’s chubby cheeks. Sokka still sat there, hand on Toph’s shoulder, and watched through his blurred vision his best friend continue to open up to him.

She sighed again. “I’d let him win all the silly games if it meant—”

Her sentence was left unfinished, but nothing else needed to be said. Toph pulled in Lin to an embrace, breathing deeply into her hair as the gravity began to weigh heavy on the pair.

Toph mindlessly played with Lin’s soft curls. “But I guess all bets are off, or I win them all now.

“I don’t feel like the winner, though, Sokka.”

Sokka’s grip tightened on Toph’s shoulder as his sign of support, because he truly had no words. All he could do was sit and stare and hope that there would be something on the horizon to look forward to.

And yet, in that very same moment, he couldn’t help but silently admire Toph’s strength. Her ability to carry on and raise Lin while facing practically an insurmountable amount of grief was something that couldn’t be overlooked. He’d seen his friend show great feats of strength and resilience in the past, but in the back of his mind, he thought that perhaps this was the greatest one of all.

Still, he’d be damned if he was going to let her face this mountain on her own. So they sat there silently once again as Sokka’s hand remained on her shoulder, reminding her that he was there no matter what. He would be there to help her and to hold onto her through it all.

She deserved that. She deserved that and much more, but this was their reality. It would have to do.

[comrade-meow]

The male-centered progressive left has successfully made woman-hating trendy.

Today, yet another “Karen” video went viral online. This time, it seems a woman flipped off a male driver, one Karlos Dillard, who then followed her home and filmed her as she melted down into hysterics, posting the video online, which included her home address and license plate. Over eight million views later (sure to be more by the time you read this), and Dillard is selling t-shirts based on the incident.

It seems this is a hobby for Dillard, who has posted other similarly antagonistic videos, accusing women of “racism” (despite no evidence of racism) in an attempt turn Karen virality into profit. Other t-shirts for sale on his Instagram profile include one with the words, “Karen… Are you OK?” and another reading, “Keep that same energy, Karen.”

The Karen meme has been misogynist from the getgo, originating from an anonymous male Reddit user, Fuck_You_Karen, who was angry at his ex-wife, named Karen, for taking custody of his children. In 2017, his misogynist rants became a subreddit, r/FuckYouKaren.

Recently, the meaning of “Karen” was said to refer specifically to middle class, middle aged white women who are so entitled they ask to speak to the manager when perturbed, but has since morphed into a specifically racist white woman, who “weaponizes” white, female fragility against largely black men. This connects to sexist tropes that claim women use their emotions, vulnerability, and tears to manipulate men.

What began as a joke has become more than that, and has moved into explicitly misogynist (and, in my opinion, dangerous) territory.

“Becky,” which originated as a means to refer to basic white women — the Uggs-wearing, Starbucks-buying, pumpkin spice-loving kind — probably young, probably blonde, probably not working class. Like “Karen,” I never found this to be particularly offensive, as I had little desire to defend boring people who love Starbucks, but what was once a joke has become something much more egregious.Following someone to their home, doxxing, filming, and harassing them because they gave you the finger is unhinged. People are going to act like assholes in this world, and you need to learn to deal with that. Moreover, these viral videos, like the Amy Cooper/Christian Cooper bird watching/dog-off-the-leash incident, are always decontextualized. No one really knows what happened preceding the video, nor do they know why either party reacted as they did. We all know social media leaves little room for nuance, and far too many people enjoy a rage reaction over asking questions or considering they may not know the full story. The truth is that, today, people’s lives can be destroyed in an instant, via a viral post. And our culture is wielding that power with very little care.

While those participating in the mobs targeting the subjects of these currently popular Karen videos claim some form of racial justice, this is not an accurate representation.

This has little to do with race, and everything to do with a progressive left that has adopted woman-hating as political virtue signalling.

Last week, journalist and editor Jonathan Kay tweeted a “Wanted” poster he’d come across in Toronto, depicting a young, blonde, white woman. The text below her face mocked her as a “Basic Bitch” — privileged, entitled, and unwoke. The image and text presents “Becky” as dangerous — the new enemy. The A.C.A.B. (All Cops Are Bastards) logo on the poster implies it likely was produced and distributed by young anarchist men. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they were white men, considering the face of groups (or non-groups, depending on who you ask) like Antifa.

The trend of presenting women as a threat extends beyond Becky and Karen. In recent years, Antifa, anarchists, trans activists, and leftists have targeted feminists who question the impact of gender identity ideology on women’s rights as dangerous — even more so than male predators. Rhetoric that claims “TERFs kill” intentionally erases the fact that it is men who are overwhelmingly responsible for violence against both women and men (including trans-identified males). As a result, reversing this claim to say “Kill TERFs” or to show up at events discussing gender identity with cardboard guillotines with the words “TERFs and SWERFs step right up” written on them has become an acceptable form of “activism.”

This has all happened within a left that has consistently ignored and even defended the misogyny, racism, and violence of prostitution and pornography, painting women who fight the sex trade as “whorephobic” and as causing harm to “sex workers.” Everyone knows who is responsible for the abuse that happens to women in porn and prostitution. We can see it on PornHub or we can read about it in the news. Yet the left consistently fails to hold those men accountable for the harm they cause. No, no. The real problem is women. Terms like “TERF” (which means “trans exclusionary radical feminist,” but, in practice, is used to smear anyone who questions gender identity legislation or ideology) and “SWERF” (which means “sex worker exclusionary radical feminist,” but is used to smear women — even women who have worked in the sex trade — who wish to stop the universal violence and exploitation inherent to prostitution) exist to misrepresent, vilify, and end conversation. One cannot defend a “TERF” or “SWERF” any more than one can defend a “Karen” or “Becky,” unless they would like to be pilloried as unwoke and bigoted themselves.

A few years ago, trans activists and their progressive allies adopted the term “cis” to refer to those whose “gender identity matches their sex.” Putting aside the fact that no one’s “gender identity” matches their sex, as whether or not a person is male or female has nothing to do with whether or not they identify with a list of sexist gender stereotypes, the term “cis” is said to denote “privilege.” This means that a woman who understands she is female is, as per trans ideology, “privileged” over a man who desires to be viewed as a woman or who does not feel connected to masculine stereotypes. This is ridiculous, of course, as women are impacted by sexism on account of being born female, and are vulnerable to male violence regardless of how they identify. Understanding one is female does not make a woman “privileged,” it makes her a sane human being. In other words, “cis” or “cisprivilege” completely erases the reality of sexism and male violence against women. Suddenly, we are to believe women pose a threat to males who identify as transgender. Just as we are now to believe “Becky” and “Karen” are so dangerous they deserve to be hated, harassed, and destroyed. Maybe punched. Maybe worse.

This is, I’m afraid, woman-hating. And it is dangerous. The popularity of the Karen meme has led people to seek out and invent Karens in order to gain followers and profit, as evidenced by Dillard’s racket. And rhetoric that positions feminists as dangerous, harmful “TERFs” has led to the acceptance of open violent threats against women, simply for speaking out in defence of women’s rights and spaces. Karen, Becky, SWERF, and TERF are nothing more than excuses to hate women. And I am tired of people participating and defending this misogyny simply because it is on trend, and because it results in applause from the male centred left.

Yes, women can be assholes. Yes, women can be racist. No, women are not all innocent victims. But this has become about much more than calling out annoying, racist, or entitled behaviour. And, in fact, I think it was always about more than that. Let’s stop this before someone gets (literally) hurt.

[huearmy]

Not My Friend.

Summary: Yoongi is a ordinary house cat hybrid with an ok life and a huge crush in his ower’s friend. Even if Y/N always treated him lovelly and as an equal he is all insecurities and thoughts of  rejection about being a hybrid, without imagining that the feeling can be reciprocal.

Pairing: cat!Yoongi x human!Reader

Genre: FLUFF, angst,  slight smut.

Words:  3737.

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: not grafic description/mention of sex.

gif is not mine.

Yoongi was kind of pissed, slightly upset... Absolutely stressed. The lights and loud music of the club did'nt help,  the drunk people ingnoring him, dancing around him as if he don't exist, neither. Is unusual for him feel so bad about being who he is, but today is a day that everything screams that he is less than everyone and it won't change. He brought the last swig of his drink to his lips, sad that he could'nt get another one alone, and for the sake of his pride he would'nd ask to Namjoon.

Is also unusual for Yoongi to argue with his friend and brother Namjoon, but today is a day that things got ugly. "You know that I love you hyung. For me we are equals, but is not like this for others. Even if my friends like you, they still seeing you as my pet.". It hurted. Hurts. Because is true, and Yoongi knows it.

And it hurts so... so bad... Because for a second he belived otherwise.

The discussion started when Yoongi thought he could share with his friend the feelings he have for you. You, the pretty human friend of Namjoon, the girl who is usualy at their house with no reason, the one that give the greatest pets ever and whose conversation is so good that he wouldn’t mind that you definitely lived with him. It took too long, but when Yoongi figured out his interest in you being a really romantic thing he was so happy he couldn’t keep to himself. 

“What do you think, Namjoon? How should I tell her?”

It's obvious to Yoongi that the negative reaction of Namjoon was caring, he knows his friend well enough. It wasn’t his intention to freak out and smash Yoongi heart.  He is trying to protect me. He told himself for the hundredth time, fighting against resentment. He discarted his plastic cup in defeat.

And there was you. The reason of his frustration. Oblivious at his issues, dancing with your friends. Namjoon's friends. Not his friends. His stomach droped.

Yoongi sighed. He can't just not stare at you. You are so beautiful to him, feeling yourself while dancing with your eyes closed, your pretty hair swinging around your delicate shouders, hips moving with the music naturaly - because you love dancing even if you are not goot at all. Another music started making you jump and sing. He almost can smell you now.

If he wasn't a scared cat... A hybrid cat... He would be dancing with you, talking in your ears, placing his hands on your waist and pulling you close, maybe kissing you... not only picturing it in his mind. But he is a pet, not a normal guy who you would like to flirt with.

He sighed again. He  remembering clearly when he first meet you two years ago.

____________________________________

Namjoon was a freshman in college, excited with everything new, the new apartament, new city, new knowledge, new friends... Every day he would enter trough the door, drop himself on the couch and speak his day out. Yoongi would listen, commenting on a thing or other once in a while. Your name was present in most stories, or the stories were about you. "I was trying to makes myself clear to the philosophy teacher when this girl spoke. She conclued my trought and argued for herself shuting up the teacher.", or "Remember that girl? Her name is Y/N and we get coffee together today. She is amazing, dude.", and "Y/N made an asshole cry today, seriuosly, she is beautful. She have that 'I don't give a fuck' atitude, you would love her, hyung". And Namjoon was right, as always.

It was on a day that Yoongi was feeling clingy and dependent of Namjoon's full attention but he was supposed to do a project with you in your place though. So insted of cancel with you to spend the day watching Netflix with Yoongi, the younger boy opted for bringing the hybrid to your apartament too.

“Dont worry, hyung. Y/N told me to bring you. Actually she was anxious to know you, she likes cute things you know...”

“Shut up.”

The poor cat was hating every second of it till you opened the door. You treated him as a old friend, greeting him with a genuine smile e tight hug.

"Enter you both and make the home yours. I bought snacks... And! I used that drive you gave me, Joonie, and already started the dissertation... You can revise if want to. It won't take so long as we through, then we can get fat cuddling on my couch."

Yoongi get unsure with you straightforward behavior at the time. But your focus was to finish your and Namjoon's work so he could get Netflix and cuddles as much as he wanted. You made coffee with cream when he said he like it and listened his complains about Namjoon breaking everything.

“Seriously is his third classes this year and we are in May.” Yoongi grunted making you laugh.

"I noticed it! Joonie always talk about you repair skills, though." 

"What else he talks about me?"

You laughed throwing your head back. You both were alone in the living room, sharing a blanket.

" A lot of things!” You said “That you are savage but actually a baby... That you are a good roommate to live with... And if I ever need a a good pianist, sincere advises, or help to hide a dead body, you are the man..."

"Oh..." 

He didn’t expected the two of you to talk much about him.

"And what Joonie told you about me?" You rested your chin in your palm. He take some instants to answer, and as if his brain are of jelly, it went terrible.

"He said I would love you."

Yoongi expected for a rispid response or for you to change the subject, or at least you’d laugh, somethig like it, but no. He would learn later how unpredictable you can be sometimes.

"And do you?" You asked in real interest, looking into his eyes. His cheeks turned pink, and you by instinct brought a hand to his hair and ears. You cooed "Sorry, Yoongs."

____________________________________

Thats right. You are nice to him... Gentle and kind... Always respectfull... You would enter his space and make him comfortable, or respect his distance when his not in the mood. Make silly things just to see his gummy smile and then pet his ears for hours. If any of your friends make fun of him you defend him and then make fun of them lighting the air. The fact of him being a hybrid never seems to bother you or changed the way you treated him.

He had hopes.

But he was just a pet... And you would never look at him the way he looks at you. Mesmerized by the club lights passing over your dancing body, changing color and pattern, he let himself sink a little more in self pity.

As if you could feel his dark troughts you opened your eyes and looked right trough his. His ears rose, tail moving unconscious behind him. You walked straight to him, concerned, ignoring every intoxicated person dancing in your way.

"What's wrong Yoongs?" You raised your voice because of the loud music. "Don't tell me that's nothing."

Yoongi licked his lips nervously. "I not feeling like partying. But Namjoon is having fun so I can't ask to go home now."

You seemed tipsy, he could smell the alcohol on you, along with that sweet perfume that you love and he hates, and your own scent that he loves.

You looked around, maybe looking for Namjoon, face thoughtful, wrinkling your nose cutely. Your tiny hand found it's way to his larger one, and instinctively he hold it tight. Yoongi love holding hands, especially with you.

Suddenly you smiled excited to him, getting closer to his face. So close he could kiss you...

"Do you want another drink?" You asked right in his ear, without get away an inch from him.

"What?" Yoongi asked, not understanding the purpose of the question.

Your smile spread devilishly.

"Dance with me, Yoongs. If you continue wanting to leave I'll get you home."

And then you were pulling him towards the dancing floor.

___________________________________

"Are you sure you want to do it?" His lover's voice got serious, eyes searching for his reassurance.

"I am." He answered not thinking twice.

His lover's smile were so pure and beautiful and genuine and happy that filled him of happyness too.

____________________________________

Yoongi woke up happy. He woke up in a bed that wasn't his. He didn't have to look around to recognize the room he was, the bedsheets were impregnated with your fragrance. The room was dark, the only light coming from a fissure between the curtains. He closed his eyes again, holding tight in a pillow and breathing deep. He still felt sleepy but couldn't stop his mind to revive last night.

You both danced and laughed and drinked and kissed. You made out in the club, in the Uber's backseat, in your couch...

He was naked on your bed. Things didn't stop in just make out.

Yoongi can remember clearly the view of your naked body in front of him for the first time, the lines of your silhouette, how it felt under his hands, so smooth. The way you took of his collar, never breaking eye contact, and then kissed him sweetly before riding him. How your fingers intertwined with his while he thrusted into you till you shake. Beautiful beneath him, repeating his name in moans in his soft black ears, nails finding it's way in his scalp. Your soft skin against his when everything you both could do was heavy breathing, too tired to even pull out of you. Praising him you kissed his lips again and held him close to your bare chest, playing with his hair the way he likes so much.

He never slept so well. Never felt so well with someone.

And then he realized... Where was you? Fully awake now, he searched for you under the fluffy blankets, finding nothing but your empty side of the bed. He slightly panicked.

His jeans were on the ground, beside your discarded dress, but his shirt wasn't anywhere to be seen. Would be a problem he wandering through your apartment shirtless? A ding caught his attention for a forgot cellphone under your desk chair. It was just a notification of low battery, but there were also  five calls and some massages from Namjoon:

[03:18 am]: hyung I'm sorry. rly.

[03:18 am]: where are you?

[03:21 am]:  I'm worried. call me back.

And then the phone died.

"Shit." He needed a charger urgent. Knowing his friend maybe he was already searching for Yoongi in hospitals, morgues and shelters.

He went to the door and suddenly stopped, hand on knob, the thought of calling Namjoon back totally erased of his mind.

You wasn't in bed with him unlike as Yoongi imagined his first morning with you. He should had woke with you in his arms, you would say "good morning" to each other in a meaningful way, then he would give little kisses in your whole face, treading to your lips to a real kiss, you would get embarrassed and hide your red cheeks in his chest... He woke up alone instead.

What if you regretted everything? You could awakened with hangover and regretted the one night stand. Or feeling awkward for sleeping with him... Or disgusted. And if you woke up and realized that you had sex with a hybrid and regretted?  It wouldn't be the first experience Yoongi of this kind. A disposable kink or drunken mistake... It would hurt...

No.

You are different. After the night you had together he could trust you.

Even if you don't feel the same as him... You wouldn't kick him out of your apartment... Or cut him off of your life...

Right?

"Stop being idiot, Yoongi." He told himself. "At least you have Namjoon to buy you beer in the worst case."

Music was playing in your kitchen, a amazing smell of eggs, bacon and something sweet come meet him in the corridor.  Yoongi found you humming happily, holding the door of the fridge open while searching for something.

"I'm running out of milk..." You whispered to yourself. Wearing a purple silk robe and your fluffy slippers you closed the fridge door without taking anything from inside. You did not heard Yoongi enter the kitchen neither expected him to hug you from behind, pulling your back against his chest, arms crossed in your waist. So didn't he. But you were so cute, with messy hair and being just your always self, his own scent still on you. His concerns gone, Yoongi couldn't help it unless be straightforward and reach for your touch.

You let out a yelp of surprise, grabbing his forearms, slightly sticking your nails on it. He chuckled softly at your heart rate speed up.

"Jesus, Yoongs... How are you so quiet?". You said with a hand on heart, already relaxing in his embrace.

"Sorry." His deep morning voice took you by surprise once more, spreading a shiver all over your body, making your silly mind remember the last night events, just to you get flustered. You were so chill until right now, damn. When you woke up facing a sound asleep cat, thigtly holding you close to him, you needed to hold yourself on to not squirm in excitement. Your fear was to make the atmosphere awkward between you two after being friends for so long. So you chilled up and planned to do everything right.

"You was supposed to be sleeping..." You scolded him, turning in his arms to face him, with red cheeks and pouting. "I'd take breakfast in bed for you."

Shock stamped up Yoongi's features. "Really?"

Your face reddened, suddenly the white wall was more interesting. "Really... I must treat you well."

You always treat me well, Y/N. Yoongi through to himself, but by your tone and the slight smirk in your adorable lips, he could tell the difference. "Ok.". He gulped.

"Since you are here... Sit." You said, getting apart from him. "I'll feed my Yoongs.".

Instantly he felt the loss of your warmth and contact, but at the same time he melted with the sound of your voice calling him "my Yoongs". Once you turned your attention back to breakfast again, he choose the chair next to the window, where there was sunlight and he could see the busy avenue  below - many cars going to somewhere, and people like tiny ants doing their own thing in their own lives, and the river running and shining below the bridge, on the other side was the park Yoongi like to go with you...  You were singing along with the music now, serving the table before him, your cleavage exposed by the robe - apparently you were wearing nothing else... Maybe panties too... He scolded himself, biting his thumb's nail to focus on something else, but then he noticed hickeys in the curve of your breasts and in your neck.

"Fuck." He whispered.

But in your not too large kitchen, you listened it clearly.

"What was it?" You let ou a nervous giggle.

"Nothing." Yoongi rested his elbows in the table, hiding face in hands. He couldn't handle look at you with the thought of biting and marking you and make you his and his only in mind. Last night he did so much effort to not do it without your consent, and even more effort to not ask, afraid of rejection.

You brought him back from his dreaminess, pulling him against you, petting his ears and hair. His tense body relaxed instantly.

"Did you sleep well? Need aspirin for headache or something?" You quietly asked, resting your chin on top of his head.

"No. I'm ok." He snuggled his face in the tender skin, scenting you.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded. You hummed.

"Oh!" You frozed. "Namjoon is super worried about you...! Like... He called me twenty-four times and left thousands of voice mails and massages..."

He licked his lips.

"I need a charger to tell him I'm ok."

You pout.

"I already did it, silly. I told him you are here with me, safe and sound, and that I won't give you back till you get grumpy.". He smiled and you mirrored it. Then you got serious, tracing his jawline with your index finger. "He think you are upset with him... and you really was not ok yesterday. What happened?"

Yoongi gulped. He can be sincere with you.

"Namjoon can be an asshole sometimes. We argued, and I disappeared from the club, my phone is dead so..."

"It seems you are giving him the cold shoulder." You pointed.

"I'm not." He finally closed his arms around you. " I just forget about him when with you."

Your heart speeded up again, making him smile.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Due to his hesitancy, you added. "You don't need to."

"He told me to not expect too much from our... His friends. 'Cuz most of them only see me as a pet of him."

You remained silent for a moment, and then sighed.

"We really have some friends that are... Ignorants. And we can't do anything about it. But there's Hoseok and Jin who understand that hybrids aren't different of humans, and is obvious for me how much they like you."

"I know... I know." Yoongi pressed his eyes tightly. "We argued because... being an hybrid there's limits that I can't cross... At some point I'll be repelled, even by Hoseok, Jin..." He gulped again. "Even by you."

You pulled away, eyebrows joinig in irritation. Your words sounded offended.

"Seriously, Yoongi? After years knowing each other, didn't I make my positioning and support to hybrid clear? Or my affection for you? For heaven's sake...! We had sex. How can you doubt..."

"It wouldn't be the first time of being the fetish of someone that thinks I'm not a man at all." He interrupted.

You shuted up.

The angry expression faded away from your features, replaced by shock and then sadness. In your absence of words, Yoongi continued.

"I was afraid you would regret last night... I even through you would cut me off of your life, or at least kick me out of the apartment..." He let out a mockery laugh, not handling to look you in the eyes anymore. "You will be judged for sleeping with a hybrid. And I don't want it. Don't want you being treated differently by anyone...".

You approached again, taking his face in your tiny hands, lovely caressing his cheeks with your soft thumbs - just like last night, and he almost expected for you to kiss him. You were being soft and caring, but at same time, firmly make him look you straight in the eyes.

"I'm already judged, Yoongs. A lot of people think I'm fool and talk about me behind my back." The voice that reached his ears was so soft now. You opened a smile of pure pride. "And I don't give a damn.".

He couldn’t break eye contact, he couldn't dare to blink and lost a second of the sight of you.

"It don't matter for me race, gender, age, sexual orientation... If you have fluffy ears and tail or not. I'll love and respect everybody equally. At least I try, reading about and listening, and learning what I don’t know. You can always tell me what you are felling or where I’m failing..." 

You have beautiful eyes and now they were sad again.

"I don't care about what those...bastards talk about hybrids... And I'm sorry for your past experiences..." You took a deep breath. Thinking in someone having the opportunity of be with Yoongi and choosing to break his heart make you sick. "For me you are an amazing man.".

"These words mean the world to me, Y/N." Yoongi said in his breath, feeling belonging as never before. 

"You welcome, Yoongs."

___________________________________

A lazy saturday came along after this. You both spend all day cuddling in the couch, netflix on, or sharing earphones, and chit chating here and there. When the hunger came you ordered take out and decided who would get up and pay the delivery guy with rock paper and scissors. Yoongi lost it, but you got up anyways to pick plates and forks. And then you were tangled under the covers once more.

Hanging out like this is not unusual for you two. But it felt odd for Yoongi, different from before, like it was the first time. Sleeply observing you scrolling through your social media, Yoongi conclued that If having sex with you didn't ruined the friendship you have, expressing his feelings probably would.

But Yoongi wanted be in the same page as you.

You were watching a video on Instagram, not really focused on it, with your free hand playing with his hair, making him even more sleepy. You could feel his gaze on you, but besides the butterflys in your belly, it doesn't make you uncomfortable at all. 

"Y/N..." He said in his low voice.

"Humm?" Blocking the cellphone's screen, you stared back at him. Your nose at centimeters from his.

He took your hand, circulating his thumb in the torso of it in a caring way. The gesture not passing unnoticed by you.

"I need you to know... Even if it isn't reciprocal... Last night had a whole meaning for me. I like like you, Y/N."

You stated at him in silence for a moment,  making the whole world freeze. Before the conversation you both had in the kitchen that morning, Yoongi would be panicking, already regretting telling you such a thing. Now he just waited.

Like he wanted to, you smiled. With your beautiful lips, warm eyes, and all your body too.

"I know, sleepyhead."

You leaned to him, he came to you too, no hesitation. And that's it. He was kissing you again. 

"We must talk about this reciprocity thing later." You whispered against his mouth.

Yoongi was kind of horny, slightly euphoric... Absolutely happy. 

___________________________________

So, I really hope you liked it, pls interact, tell what you think... I’ll be posting more if I have a good feedback, probably a witch!au with Jin :) kiss kiss pls I dont want to be insecure about it kiss kiss.

[kcwcommentary]

VLD7x04 – “The Feud!”

7x04 – “The Feud!”

Can anyone tell me what the point of this episode is? I truly do not understand why this episode exists. Not only was this episode written, it was written by the (until part way through this season) Story Editor for this show Tim Hedrick. Even with episodes I think are a waste of time like 4x04 “The Voltron Show!” or 8x07 “Day Forty-Seven” or 8x08 “Clear Day,” I still at least recognize something of the writer’s intention, but I have no idea what the point of “The Feud!” is. There are episodes of this series that I really don’t like, but I haven’t dreaded rewatching any of them the way I dreaded rewatching this one. I don’t think there’s an episode of this show that I hate more than this one.

There is only one interpretation that I can think of for this episode, and it makes Tim Hedrick look extremely petty and unprofessional (see the end of this commentary).

The episode, with the juxtaposition of the visual design and the episode title, is clearly a reference to old gameshows like Family Feud. Voltron Legendary Defender’s target audience was young kids, and it’s hard for me to imagine anyone that young being familiar with old gameshows, so I have no idea how anyone thought this gameshow pastiche would be appealing to them.

I guess this episode is supposed to be funny. Nothing about this episode makes me laugh.

The Paladins are a team on a gameshow. Shiro continues to not be part of the team. Keith, Pidge, Lance, Hunk, and Allura are all being forced to participate. They are disoriented and have no idea where they are or why they’re here. Pidge says, “The last thing I remember, we were all flying in our Lions.” So, Hunk’s declaration near the end of last episode that the Lions were “in worse shape than ever,” meant absolutely nothing. There is no resolution of the Lions being without power. The show just ignores what it had set up.

Is Bob supposed to be funny? I have never understood why shows – VLD is not alone in this – do episodes with inscrutable characters like Bob. Some faux-mysterious other-being that causes things to happen, functions in some ways like a chaos-agent, but the narrative never gives any real explanation to why the character does what they do. It is fundamentally bad writing to ever have a character whose motivation is nonexistent.

Bob tells the Paladins that they have to win this game or be “trapped here in our studio for the rest of eternity.” Whatever threat that is supposed to have is instantly nonexistent. Of course, the Paladins are getting out of this since there’s more show to go. By using faux-threat like this, by using something so over-the-top severe, the episode causes the audience to instantly disengage with the plot. A story having too much threat can actually turn into having no threat.

Bob locks the Paladins’ feet to the floor, the camera and sound of his voice go over-the-top menacing, and he says, “You will play my game as long as I want you to.” Because everything Bob says is meaningless, the faux-threat just feels absurd.

The laugh track I guess is just part of the old gameshow pastiche that they used for this episode. Laugh tracks have always seemed like lies to me. I don’t like an episode telling me, laugh here. And since this episode is not funny, every time I hear the laugh track, I wonder, did the people who worked on this episode actually think this was funny?

Bob magically infantilizes Keith by putting a pacifier in his mouth while Keith has to draw something for the other Paladins to guess. I guess it’s supposed to be funny that the other Paladins have trouble guessing what Keith’s drawing, but it’s not funny. Allura correctly guesses Arusian for the first drawing, after Lance thinks it’s a chicken and Pidge yells at him. For the second drawing, it’s clearly a sword, and Lance guesses “chopsticks,” which when Pidge yells at him again, he modifies to “space chopsticks.” Pidge gets the correct Blade of Marmora guess. Third guess goes to Hunk who, after cycling through all of the colors, answers Red Lion. The last drawing is of Haggar, which Lance calls “pepperoni, an alligator, a cave, windy cave, […] a thermos,” and Allura slams the platform/desk they’re standing at and yells, “Lance, will you stop talking!”

I hate that this episode has everyone treat Lance like this.

They fail to get the last one in time. And then the “other team” is introduced. Zarkon, Haggar, Lotor, and an “insignificant underling” Morvok. I don’t have any idea what the purpose of bringing them into this is. They don’t behave like the characters actually behave in the show. They’re not even caricatures of the characters used as some form of self-referential meta-analysis.

The instant Zarkon is told to guess Keith’s last drawing, of course he’s going to get it right, and he even clearly knows he knows the answer, but it feels like forever for him to just get on with it and say the answer. I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but it’s not.

Lotor rants about “spending centuries perfecting my exquisite life-like renderings, not that you cared,” Haggar touches Lotor on the arm and says, “I treasured your art,” and he recoils from her, saying, “Don’t touch me you filthy, filthy hag.” This moment feels like the show is criticizing Lotor for his rejection of Haggar, like it’s presenting Haggar as being not-that-bad, like Lotor is unjust in his hating Haggar. It’s offensive to me. If the most wanted production goal of this series was the EPs wanting Keith as Black Paladin, it seems like the second most wanted production goal was to retcon Haggar. Haggar was a horrible person, and the show’s insistence that we change to see her instead as a good person to whom bad things happened honestly feels like the show is gaslighting the audience. Zarkon then yells at Lotor, Lotor hits Morvok, and Bob looks at the camera and says, “Family, am I right?”

The whole moment is about presenting Lotor as the unreasonable one, like he’s responsible for Zarkon abusing him, and all of Haggar’s abuse is somehow our misinterpretation of her character. It’s played like abuse is funny. “Family, am I right?” How about, no.

Zarkon plays some card out of nowhere that makes the next Paladin have to play alone, and Zarkon picks “the dumb one.” The camera zooms in on Lance, who turns to his supposed friends and asks, “Who’s he talking about?” The laugh track laughs.

Lance is “dumb,” isn’t that funny? What is wrong with this show? What is wrong with the people who made this show? What is wrong with Tim Hedrick for writing this? What is wrong with Joaquim Dos Santos and Lauren Montgomery for approving this script? What is wrong with the people at Dreamworks for approving this script?

It would be different if Zarkon called Lance “dumb” and the other Paladins, Lance’s supposed friends, came to his defense. But they don’t. I can only then think that the EPs and the writers of this show do think of Lance as “the dumb one” and that they think it’s funny to write him that way.

Bob sends the gameshow to an advertisement break, and as they’re transitioning out, Lance continues, “Wait, I’m the dumb one?” It kind of makes me want to cry, like it hurts me that the show is treating Lance like this.

There’s an advertisement for that store in 2x07 “Space Mall,” where Lance and Pidge got the Kaltenecker. The alien salesperson doesn’t act here like he did there. The whole advertisement sequence is a total waste of time. I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but it’s not.

Coming back from the break, Bob again refers to Lance as “the dumb one.” Lance reacts, “I’m not too happy being referred to as ‘the dumb one’ like 18 times.” Bob looks at the camera, says, “Oh, it was only about four times, you big dumb-dumb,” and the laugh track laughs.

What is wrong with this show?

Lance has to play “Faces from the Past,” Bob asks Lance if he knows how the game works, Lance says an assumptive yes, and Bob looks at the camera and says, “What do you think, audience, do we believe this beautiful dumb-dumb?” The audience yells, “No!”

What is wrong with this show? What is wrong with the people who made this?

Lance is placed in an “isolation shield,” a clear tube with a mouth on top of it. The first “face from the past” almost lands on Kolivan before shifting at the last second to a faceless member of the Blade of Marmora. There’s no way for Lance to know who this guy is. There’s no way for anyone to know who he is because he’s wearing the traditional Blade of Marmora facemask that conceals his identity. Keith points to his blade, Bob says “that’s a pretty big clue,” but how’s it a clue?

I don’t even know why I’m arguing with this episode. This episode is total crap.

Lance guesses, “Blade… y. Bladey?” The answer is Antok. Everyone else acts like it’s absurd to not know Antok. The only absurd thing is that not just someone, but several people in this show’s production actually thought this was a script worth producing.

I would rather watch 23 minutes of the form-Voltron animation over and over than this episode.

The next face is one of the mermaid people with a squid on her head. Lance knows her as “the serious one.” He knows things she did, but not her name, which is apparently Swirn. The next face almost stops on Nyma, but then shifts at the last second to Rolo. Lance has trouble remembering his name, the other Paladins use their arms to spell out Rolo. Lance runs out of time, and then the Paladins change their arms to spell out “kill.”

The episode literally has Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Keith express anger and frustration at Lance by saying they want to kill him. What is wrong with this show and what is wrong with the people who made it?

To the audience’s cheers, Bob explains that if Lance misses the next one, he’ll “be forced to hit this button, which will shoot you out of the studio and into the layer of the snick,” which is some big, insect-like or crab-like creature. The last face is Bii-Boh-Bi. How nice of this worthless episode to reference that worthless episode. Lance correctly and instantly answers this one.

Team Zarkon are dropped through a hole in the floor. Their purpose in the episode is concluded. I still don’t what the point of any of this episode is though. Bob brings out Bii-Boh-Bi. This character was not funny in the past, he’s not funny now. Bob continues to call Lance “dumb-dumb.”

Lance has to answer five questions correctly or end up in a tank of percolating green liquid “where [he’ll] be slowly cooked alive.” Bii-Boh-Bi is giving clues to Lance while the weird mouth on the top of the tube Lance is in starts swallowing the tube.

Lance says, “I have no idea what’s happening right now.” Same here, Lance.

Lance somehow guesses various “bi”s and “bo”s correctly. I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but it’s not. Lance does not get the last one correct, the mouth swallows him, and he gets ejected into the tank of liquid.

There’s another advertisement, this time for Vrepit Sal’s. Thankfully, at least, it’s quicker than the previous advertisement.

Lance says the liquid feels like it’s exfoliating him, and Bob replies, “Eventually it will eat through your skin.” There is something seriously wrong with the people who worked on this show, especially Tim Hedrick.

Bob asks the Paladins, who is going to play to free Lance, “who’s the brainiest of the team?” and they all instantly answer, Pidge. She has to play a hole of miniature golf. It takes a lot of time for her to set up her shot, which I guess is supposed to be funny. Pidge seems to accidentally hit the ball into the camera and then into Bob, but it’s clear she meant to do that as she tackles Bob to the ground, trying to arrange a chance for them to escape. Bob teleports back to his normal center-stage position, Pidge and Lance are teleported back to the rest of the group, and they’re now in the final stage of the gameshow. It makes no sense.

Bob says, “One of you will now be allowed to leave the game, the rest of you will be staying here with me forever.” They have to write down who they think should be the one to leave. Hunk votes for Allura because she’s “the princess, and she’s such a natural leader, you know. The universe needs her more than it needs the rest of us, plain and simple.” Of course, the show hasn’t had Allura be a leader since, like, season three.

Allura votes for Pidge, “She and her family have the best chance of rebuilding what my father started.” I guess this “rebuilding” is supposed to be a reference to the Castle Ship and Atlas? I would think Coran would be more capable than Pidge’s family at building a new Castle Ship since he spent the whole show maintaining and running the Castle nearly by himself.

Lance votes for Keith, “He’s our leader, plus he’s half-Galra, so I think he’s like, the future.” What does this mean? How is being half-Galra the future? Lotor was half-Galra too, but Lance certainly didn’t think of Lotor as being “the future.” Why is the show placing worth and value on a person based on this? This honestly feels racist. It’s like it’s a statement that Galra-supremacy is valid, so Zarkon was right the entire time?

Keith votes for Lance, saying, “I just don’t want to be stuck here for eternity with Lance.” Lance initially misinterprets this as a good thing before realizing that it’s an insult. This is supposed to be a team? These are supposed to be people who are friends? This episode is so messed up.

Pidge votes for Hunk, saying, “Hunk gets along with everybody. If anyone’s going to go out into the universe and bring people together, it’s Hunk.”

Bob is impressed that no one voted for themselves and that everyone got at least one vote. So, they all win. That’s the end of the gameshow.

The Paladins wake up in their Lions in space. So, yup, there’s no resolution to how the previous episode ended with the Lions being “in worse shape than ever.” They’re fine now. Whatever.

The Paladins begin to realize that, since they all experienced the gameshow, that it was real, not a dream, so that’s a giant cliché. Coran pops in at the sound of the name “Bob,” who he says is an “all-powerful, all-knowing interdimensional being who judges the worthiness of great warriors.” Keith replies, “The guy was kind of a jerk though, right?” The other Paladins seem to agree with him.

Then there’s another advertisement for the mermaid planet.

Is Bob supposed to be a reference to Bob Koplar from World Events Productions? If, as Keith says, Bob “was kind of a jerk,” does that mean this episode is all about Tim Hedrick complaining about Koplar and WEP? The executive producers were very public about their complaints that executives wouldn’t just step back and let them make the show however they wanted. As an executive of WEP, Bob Koplar could be one of the executives that JDS and LM referenced in their complaints. Hedrick left Voltron this season, and this episode is the first one where he shares Story Editor credit with Joshua Hamilton. If this episode is Hedrick criticizing Bob Koplar, then (regardless of what kind of person Koplar is) Hedrick is a really petty person. The same way it was seriously unprofessional for the show to have written the EPs’ complaints about having to keep Shiro into Coran’s dialog in 4x04 “The Voltron Show,” if “The Feud!” is Hedrick ranting about Koplar as he’s leaves the show, then that is also seriously unprofessional.

If there is some other possible explanation for what in the world this episode is supposed to be, I don’t know.

As much as other episodes of this show infuriate me, “The Feud!” is the absolute worst episode of Voltron Legendary Defender.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Erin/Gerald Arc 2 Part 16

Next part! I really should be sleeping but I wanted to write so... oh well. 

Master post linked here. 

After making her discovery, Erin had sent a quick message to Catherine to let her know that the explosives had been disabled. She then had proceeded back to the castle, cutting off any further contact from the older girl. Gerald’s sister had wanted Erin to join her, to watch Gerald perform, but she couldn’t. She didn’t want to see him just yet.

It would only make her choice that much harder.  

Erin sat in her room, listening to the sounds of the competition outside. The cheers of the crowd through her window contrasted starkly with the solemnness of the room. She stared silently down at her hands, two artifacts rolling in between her fingers, her thoughts running deep.

One was a silver artifact, with an embedded blue stone. Her restricting artifact. She had worn it only for a few months. It certainly was more convenient than the restriction spell she had once been under, although much less effective. Now it was simply a shield, something to protect her until she was ready to strike against her father. That was what she had suffered for all these years, why she had been hurt, over and over.

The second was a delicate golden chain, with a blood red stone attached. The locating artifact Gerald had given her. A sad smile crossed her face as Erin stroked it absentmindedly. She remembered when he gave it to her, back when they were facing Lady Belanna. She never told him, but sometimes she simply held it in her hand, just to know he was somewhere, to know he was alive. A tear ran down her face as her fist tightened around it.

This is worth it. HE is worth it.

With that thought, she replaced the golden chain around her neck, and placed the silver amulet within a jewelry box on the dresser.

She may lose her chance at revenge if she did this. After all, she knew she was powerful, but she would be facing an army. As the amulet left her fingers, she felt a surge within her, a comforting buzz of her restored powers. Again, a sad smile crossed her face.

This was her country at fault, breaking their treaty’s promise, distracting with terrorist attacks to invade a poorly defended border.

This was her personal monster, her father, lurking in the shadows, pulling strings to change the fate of nations. The memory of his cruel smile lingered in her mind, only replaced by the thought of Gerald’s happy grin when he talked about his love for his people and his country.

She had to fix this.

I want to see him again.

But she couldn’t. If she did he would want to come too. And she didn’t want to risk him. She couldn’t risk him.

When had it become like this? When she first met Gerald, she had only felt a tolerant amusement. Erin had thought he would quickly grow bored of his constant proposals and move on. But then, they had spent each day by each other’s side. Seeing him smile, seeing him care for others… his warmth, his kindness, his peculiar sense of humor… each part of him burrowed into her heart, integrating so deeply that she couldn’t separate from him even if she wanted to. There was no sudden realization, no epiphany of her feelings. Slowly, inevitably, she fell in love with him, and now it was far too late to back out now.

He meant everything to her. More than her hatred, her revenge.

More than her life.  

Knock. Knock.

At the sound of knocking on the door, Erin looked up, a sudden hope filling her despite her earlier determination.

Gerald?

The door opened without waiting for a response, startling her. She blinked with surprise, wondering for a moment if her tired mind had created what she wanted to see. But as the door opened further, and the person behind it revealed, her heart sank and her eyes grew cold.

Olivia’s brother.

Matthias.

“Erin?” His pale blue eyes stared intently at her, as he entered the room, closing the door behind him.

“What do you want?” Her facial expression was blank, a careful mask to hide her emotions. Only her clenched fists in her lap, her nails digging into her palms, gave an indication to the anger beneath the carefully polished surface.

Ever since the “Frederick incident” when he had called out both Olivia and Matthias, the other boy had avoided talking to Erin. He was still often in the same room, still watching her closely, but he no longer was constantly trying to touch her or talk to her. Erin had been relieved at the change, but it seemed as if he was hoping to break this stalemate.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Now is not a good time.” Her tone gave no room for argument, but he continued on as if he hadn’t heard her.

“We haven’t been on the same page, and it’s my fault.” He stared down at his feet, wringing his hands together, a picture of nervousness. “If I had just explained to you everything, you would understand and everything would be fine! You see, for most of my life… I was sick.”

“I know.”

“No, ‘sick’ isn’t the right word. People ‘get sick’ but they die or get better. I wasn’t sick… I was broken.” He took in a deep breath and looked back up at her, his pale eyes reflecting the light from her window.

“My freezing power was too powerful, it was taking over my body. I couldn’t move, could hardly breathe some days. I was trapped in my room, worried that if moved out that my powers would harm other people. My family did their best, got me treatments that would allow me to move around the house, function for a short amount of time… but nothing could fix me. Nothing could make me normal.”

“Matthias…” Erin sighed, trying to interrupt, but he pushed forward, his gaze growing more intense.

“My only friend was my sister. She would come visit me regularly, whether my powers were acting up or not. She would sit in that cold, frozen room, smile at me, and tell me stories. Stories about school, about her lessons, about news from the world outside.” He paused, as if gauging her reaction, “But mostly, she told me stories about you.”

“Me? Why me?”

“You were her best friend, the person she spent the most time with. But mostly, she realized that out of all the people she described to me, you were the one I wanted to hear about the most. You were smart, funny, and loyal to your friends. But you were broken too. “ He smiled. “Your powers didn’t work; they were stuck at level 1. Everyone around you laughed at you, called you names, hurt you… but still you kept moving forward, ignoring them.”

Erin shook her head. “It’s not nearly as impressive as you make it sound.”

“Oh it is impressive.” Matthias disagreed. “You stood against everyone despite being broken and forced your way through. I thought it was amazing. You were like a hero to me.” He inched closer. “I used to imagine meeting you. We would compare stories, you would encourage me, and we would help each other out. We would understand each other. Like soul mates.”

“I’m not…”

“And then… a miracle happened. Olivia came home, but this time she brought this:” He reached under his shirt and held a silver amulet in his hand. “A restriction artifact, something we never knew could exist. But now we had one, and it was all thanks to the girl I had always dreamt of meeting.” He replaced the silver amulet back under his shirt. “My soul mate and my savior, I couldn’t wait to come to St. Julienne’s, to finally meet you. But… somehow… everything was wrong.”

He frowned, a strange light in his eyes. “You had gained your powers back, you weren’t broken anymore. And even more, you had made other friends, and even had boys hanging around you.” He shook his head. “I wanted to explain to you the truth, that I was the only one who could truly understand you, support you, but whenever we spoke, you shied away!”

“Matthias…”

“Why wouldn’t you listen to me? Why did you hate it whenever I touched you. We’re soulmates! We’re meant to be together! Today proves it! I mean, you’re here in your room rather than watching the tournament, watching Gerald... You must realize on some level that he’s not right for you! That I…”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” Erin stood up, her face pale with rage, magical flames sprouting up around the room, before being snuffed out in an instant. “You couldn’t get me to understand you, because you weren’t looking at ME Matthias. “

He shook his head. “But…”

“NO. Listen. You had built up a fantasy in your head. A perfect girl. One whose only conversations with you were made up in your mind, so of course they went smoothly. I am not an understanding person. I am not one to help you lick your wounds and feel better. You were never looking at me, Matthias. You were only looking at a reflection of yourself, and thinking it was me.”

“But the artifact…”

“I did give Olivia that artifact. But I did not make it. The only reason I gave it to her was because Olivia is my friend. I’m glad you are better, that you can leave your room and live your own life. But that does not make me your savior or your soul mate. We are classmates, teammates, nothing more.”

His eyes widened, his face pained. “You never cared about me?”

“I don’t know you. I feel sympathy for your situation, but nothing deeper, nothing more complex than that.”

“Maybe… maybe you just don’t recognize your own feelings…”

“I am in love with someone. With Gerald.”

“That prince?” Matthias face twisted into a sneer. “His life has been blessed, what problems has he ever faced? He could never understand you the way I can.”

“What gave you the right to determine the criteria for me to love someone?” Erin sighed, “It has nothing to do with how similar or different we are. Whether or not he is ‘broken enough’ doesn’t matter. I love him because he is Gerald.” She shrugged. “That’s a good enough reason for me.”

Matthias sank into a chair, his stare blank as he processed. “What about me?”

“What about you?”

“I love you!”

“Probably not. You love a delusion. You don’t know me.”

“I know what I feel!” Matthias’s eyes were rimmed with red, his body trembling with distress.

“That’s fine. No one can tell you who to like or not like, after all.” Erin’s smile was cold. “But I don’t have to return your feelings.”

“…”

“Now go, I need to be alone.”

Erin turned back to her desk, looking at the weapons she had lined up on it.

“… If you weren’t here to be away from Gerald… if you care about him… what are you doing here?” Matthias looked over the weapons, the combat clothing she had changed into. “Are you going to go fight someone?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I’m just worried…”

“Don’t.” With that, Erin pushed him out through the door, resting her back on it with a large sigh. She looked over the weapons, and glanced down at her clenched fists. She couldn’t delay any longer. The Sionelle army was likely already on its way.

She was out of time.

Gerald stepped off the stage, ignoring the cheers as he took first place in the magical control category. Instead, his eyes were searching the crowd, looking for a particular set of dark eyes.

Where was she?

Frederick stepped forward, clapping him on the back. “Not bad, prince.”

“Thanks.”

“Almost makes up for your crushing defeat at the hands of your brother yesterday.” He added cheerfully.

“…” Gerald rolled his eyes, and kept looking.

Olivia and Catherine joined them. His older sister gave him a big hug with a smile.

“Congrats, little brother.”

Gerald didn’t smile. “Where is she?”

Catherine’s face turned serious. “She’s fine.”

“Where is she?”

“She stopped a terrorist plot, but she sent me a message, saying she was safe.”

His face didn’t change. “Catherine, where. Is. Erin?”

“I- I don’t know. She stopped answering me after her last message.”

Gerald started towards the castle. “I need to find her.”

“Gerald!” A voice called out, stopping him in his tracks. He stared at the newcomer, slightly confused.

“Matthias, what is it?”

The pale boy stopped before him, leaning over to catch his breath. “I think… Erin’s about to do something big.”

Gerald stepped closer. “You saw her? Where?”

“In her room…” Matthias looked at him closely. “I went to tell her I loved her.”

“…” Gerald stared at him, “Okay.”

“You’re not angry?”

“I knew how you felt. You’re free to report it to her if you wish. Doesn’t change how I feel about her.”

Matthias’s face twisted into a dark expression. “I hate you. If you weren’t around maybe…” Then, with a long sigh, his expression cleared. “But none of that matters more than her. I think Erin’s in danger.”

Gerald felt a sense of panic rising within him. “What do you mean?”

“After we spoke, she kicked me out, but… I followed her after she left. She was carrying a lot of weapons, dressed for a fight. She’s leaving the capital.”

“What?” Gerald was bewildered. “Why would she…”

“She was muttering to herself. I heard her mention ‘border patrols’ and ‘Sionelle forces.’”

Catherine stared at Gerald, both of their faces pale. “An invasion.”

“The terrorist attacks were a diversion to weaken the border.” Gerald cursed, running forward.

“Where re you going?” Frederick asked. “The group competition is next, we need all of our teammates!”

“Gerald didn’t stop. “Erin is going to take on an army. She’s going to face her own country’s military force all by herself.” His voice cracked, his tone hopeless.

“Well, that seems… suicidal.” Frederick shrugged, and then started walking beside him.

“What are you doing?”

“Coming with you.”

“Why?”

Frederick grinned. “Hell if I know. I might hate her guts sometimes, but Erin… she’s… not the worst person in the world. “ 

“You mean she’s your friend, huh?”

Frederick groaned. “Whatever, let’s go save her.”

“We’re coming too.” Olivia and Matthias sped up to join them.

“We’ll be fighting your country’s military.” Gerald felt he had to point this out. “You could be branded as traitors.”

Frederick laughed. “Only if we’re caught.”

“Okay then.” Gerald nodded, his expression determined. “Let’s go help Erin stop an invasion.”

[ganymedesclock]

ok so i just saw a post that was like "keith never defends himself". like all the times lance insults him he never bristles up enough for it to turn into a fight, and when Allura is pissed about the "half galra" thing he just... accepts it. I don't think there's anywhere in canon where he actually gets upset for himself? like even when BoM!shiro called him selfish he seemed more apologetic than anything. i really want to hear your input on this, bc your character analysis is incredible,

So this is... picking at two actually unrelated threads.

The first thread: You’re right in that Keith clearly invests less in the rivalry than Lance does. This has nothing to do with Keith sticking up for himself, and it has a lot more to do with after the third episode, they are pretty much ambivalent to each other. Their “arguments”, both ways, become kind of lighthearted and ridiculous, not things to get offended about. Because in the first episode? We do see them nearly come to blows. Because at that point Lance is bitter and he’s taking shots at Keith that really hurt. Later on in the show that hurt isn’t there so neither is the vehemence of the response.

But in general, Keith isn’t passive towards Lance. The Paper Airplane comment in s1e9, s2e5′s “very far away.” We even see Keith instigate several times: s1e6 “Hey Lance, I got your Lion back,” and then claiming his radio isn’t working, s3e3′s “I’m glad we’re all making fun of Lance.”

Keith gives just as good as he gets. The thing is, again outside of the first two episodes it turns much more to playful rivalry. And even in those first few episodes, with the fall exercise in s1e2 both Keith and Lance pile into the ground because they both were escalating it. Also, arguably the first dispensed sass between the two of them was Keith to Lance. “We could toss off some non-essential weight.”

Keith is totally sassy! It takes him a little to open up to people enough to be willing to do that, but in s2e9 he cracks a joke at Hunk that Hunk points out. The thing is, he doesn’t care too much about the rivalry because he’s not particularly mad at Lance most of the time, and he never was. This was highlighted in the first scene with them together- you have Lance, hackles up, addressing his Rival, while Keith is sort of trying to recall who this person is and why Lance is so mad at him. Especially early on, you can see several times Keith just looks confusedly towards Lance, sees an irritated expression, and gets mad himself. So they bounce off each other as kind of a:

Keith “what the heck is your problem?”Lance “what the heck is YOUR problem?”

where both of them kinda feel like the other person started it. And as they get to know each other better, they learn what to, and what not to, take personally, and pretty much none of it is actually personal because they don’t hate each other.

You can see this pretty clearly at work in s3e3, for example- Lance gripes at Keith when he feels like Keith isn’t listening to him, but when Keith, super distraught, pretty much actively crawls back to Lance talking about how Lance was totally right and he got everyone in trouble- Lance clearly doesn’t exploit that, or even consider doing so- he sets his own ego aside, doesn’t mince words (”yeah, you kind of did”) but focuses on, in effect, reassurance- the issue is fixable, they can make this work and take responsibility and Lance is there to help him. And the only reason Lance was so angry in the first place was that he felt like Keith was putting the whole team in danger, which, he had a point.

Keith opens up these vulnerabilities to Lance because he can trust Lance with them. And Lance returns the favor- consider s3e6 and the “leave the math to Pidge” conversation. Again, Keith doesn’t mince words, but emphasizes proactive motion- that it’s okay, Lance can stay with Red, they’ll figure something out that doesn’t call for inordinate sacrifice from anyone. 

They’re “rivals” but they’re rivals who trust each other enough to actually genuinely let their guard down and say “here’s what I’m worried and scared about” and trust the other person isn’t going to mount it on their wall like a trophy because getting one up on each other was never a high priority and it’s certainly not higher than the other person’s wellbeing as a friend.

Keith doesn’t defend himself from Lance because Lance isn’t attacking. They have their back and forth but it’s harmless and they both react to it like it’s harmless. It might seem like Lance has a ‘bigger’ response because Lance generally is much more surface about his emotions than Keith is.

The second thread here: as you say, Keith specifically doesn’t defend himself against Allura’s rejection, and hologram Shiro’s rejection. I phrased that in a specific way because here’s the unifying thread there.

Keith is, to a traumatic degree, terrified of feeling abandoned by people. He laid this out very explicitly in his vlog: a large amount of his psychology was shaped by that first perceived abandonment- feeling like he was rejected by his mother. Later traumas- the loss of his father, likely rejections by other people in the foster system (official bio states he lost his parents at a young age, but doesn’t have any adopted family we know of which would suggest he shuffled around multiple places before leaving the system on his eighteenth birthday)- just sort of added fuel to that fire.

The reason why Keith folds up into a little ball and turns uncharacteristically passive in the face of perceived rejection from people he cares about (especially Shiro who is still a very high value friend to him) is that he is functionally, and quite literally, being triggered. His history and trauma tell him this is all his fault, that there’s a fundamental flaw in who he is, he’s a bad person and unlovable and everyone hates him.

Which isn’t true, not at all- but frankly? The way Keith engages with the whole galra revelation and Allura’s response, the way Keith sees this, it plays directly into his cognitive biases. His attempt at connecting with Acxa in the Weblum boils down to he’s trying to convince himself that maybe there’s a scrap of good to the galra that’s not just limited to the few rebels who’ve rejected their nature.

Keith is looking at his own heritage through a flawed eye here- so he doesn’t defend himself against Allura’s feelings, that she herself admits aren’t reasonable, that she still cares about Keith, that she’s hurt because she feels like he hid this from her and her own prior trauma is lending a huge amount of heat to it.

Because to Keith? Wholesale rejecting him for being a galra is perfectly reasonable. He’s got enough internalized issues he can’t really relate to the Blade because he’s a lot more scared he’s the other kind of galra they’ve encountered. The part of his brain that says “nobody likes you because something’s fundamentally wrong with you, all of these other people get along just fine,” just found something that seems to support that conclusion. “You’re related to the murderous space conquerors” is a hell of a lot louder in his mind than “the galra as a people are more complicated, we just met a bunch of rebels attacking them, even that mysterious person that robbed you saved your life and was not very Victory Or Death about it.”

The trial of Marmora was even more direct- it’s not showing us a real situation, it’s showing us Keith’s nightmare. That Shiro, too, will reject him, over some kind of perceived inherent nature (“You’re just being selfish like always”? not anything remotely approaching Shiro’s actual feelings or the reality of the situation) and leave, and Keith will end up alone and it’ll be his fault.

This is his worst fear, paired with ‘greatest hope’- that hurt, scared, and exhausted, he wants to see his only long-term friend pre-Voltron come tell him things are going to be okay.

Which, incidentally, it’s the hope, not the fear, that we see the real Shiro living up to. While it’s cut off by the awakening of the blade and Keith clearing the trial, Shiro would sooner fight his way past a huge organization like the Blade, alone, towing an injured Keith, than force Keith to give up the weapon to appease him. His decision, in that instant is, “I’m taking Keith, he’s taking his knife, and we’re leaving.”

But look at that picture- look at how Keith isn’t looking at Shiro. There’s a cognitive disconnect for Keith about how much other people mean to him.

In s1e4, we do see Keith trying to fight a perceived rejection- he’s the one who digs his heels in and yells at Pidge for trying to leave.

He aggressively avoids, in his logic, any implication of “please don’t do this, I care about you, I don’t want to lose you.” He tries to put everything in the most objective language he can put it in, but it’s pretty clear with how incredibly upset he is, this is not just about defending the universe.

Keith is both terrified of losing people and has an internalized attitude that he’s not good enough to make others want to stay around him. And this is something he’s processing, slowly, but out of the characters, this specter of perceived unworthiness is Keith’s demon- it’s what’s keeping him from the truth of who and what he is that is arguably his birthright as the Red Paladin, whose virtues are instinct, passion, and personal clarity.

In part, Keith has been deprived accurate mirrors to know himself- s1e10′s purple hand incident and the appearances of other half-galra we’ve seen tell us that Keith has seemingly been denied his own real appearance, as well as any contact with the galra half of his heritage. He has powers he doesn’t understand or even really realize they’re there, because no one has been around to recognize these qualities in him. He has had supports- Shiro and the other paladins- but all of them are, until outside intervention, just as stumped as he is.

But another part is- Keith is hiding from these revelations because he’s terrified of the idea of becoming- or having been all along- something unacceptable to other people. Something fated to be alone. Because again, deprived of people he can relate to and the context that makes everything about him make perfect sense? He’s mis-diagnosed himself hard as an inherently unlovable person and while that’s something he can fight in many situations, certain issues and scenarios seem to feed that fire and when it does, Keith tends to just give up.

So yeah- Keith doesn’t tend to defend himself when he feels like someone is rejecting him, and it’s a particular flavor of learned helplessness and cognitive biases.

[risewisemind]

Seeking a smart & compassionate person to TALK ABOUT THE WORST THINGS IN SOCIETY so okay, I’m up for the job.  Everything put in motion has been altered since you find out where you plateau & then go from there & this is it.  

I plateaued meaning I can’t continue NOT TALKING about what happened as DIRECTLY as possible, many posts an attempt to MODEL how you dampen the trauma, but to me, this trauma has taken up too much of my life already & I don’t care to give it anymore of my time.  The catalyst?!  THE QUICK RESPONSE after years of delaying in order to argue “this is my attempt to be taken care of” but I’ve already been taken care of in the ways that matter. 

I know myself.  I hear my voice.  I will not back down & from now on, everything goes out into the universe which is this crazy internet.  The place that is most scary since you are connected to people who may want to harm you, use you & try to shame you for sick reasons that I now fully understand.  

When the universe gives you a sign : 3 fortunes you listen : THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER & so go with it : I didn’t know how to tell this story since the truth HURT MY BODY & HEART but not my brain.  It can’t have my brain. 

A thought pops up & now the body is already in pain

it’s the adrenaline : you get it & it makes you feel powerful but to me, it just hurts my physical body so I have to do something differently 

What is that different thing?  Ummm, just talk about the thing I love the most.  EDUCATION & how to make it better for the students I REPRESENTED because their treatment was NOT OKAY.  WILL NEVER BE OKAY & NEVER WAS TO BEGIN WITH & since I went from above average in health to not being able to sit, stand, walk & breathe & learned how important CONCENTRATION & ATTENTION are in EDUCATION because we live in a sensory pre-frontal experience.

LIFE to me is DOING & what did they do?  DECIDED WHO GETS IN & WHOSE LEFT IN THE RUBBISH BIN when others doesn’t get to decide for you...

What I’ve learned about human nature & it’s the darkest matter out there...

KIDS are ignorant & can’t survive on their own.  It is up to the adults to model behavior that they expect & all the things you shouldn’t do, like lie, cheat & steal.  Adults know kids with disabilities SHOULD NOT BE taught in the hall & the cafeteria & adults know when a child self-harms & is now attacking others there should be a voice that says, “No!”  Why was it different that year?  There was no reason for students not to have a classroom when the VERY ROOM I REQUESTED was converted into an amazing classroom.

You’re asking me what will I settle for & claim to want to negotiate but I doubt that since you know RAPE is a pretty heartbreaking thing to happen & you can blame the victim.  Never even though of myself one of those since I always had amazing support.  IT WAS DRILLED IN ME what A VICTIM IS & what I was witnessing was the end of acceptance : NEVER AGAIN.  90-days to do anything & time doesn’t tick by, it soars.  Speed of light & it’s over & it’s Spring and nothing has been done & life has stopped for those stuck in these past assaults.  What it means to be sexually assaulted : I don’t have a choice anymore but to tell you what it is like so we can have a discussion. 

What is hurting us??  (2) lack of desire to do the right thing.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE MAKE REPEATED BAD DECISIONS & USE TACTICS like DEFLECTION & DISTRACTION TO AVOID TRUTH?

I’m sharing it

How is one environment like a mini-society & what can be learned from the lessons there?

They stop with the leader.

Or reader?  Why kids have to be taught to read & to love literature & words... 

the very first floe : created Darkest Night, 2016

hOW to share the worst? You have to lose your mind a little, then wait THE PROCESS is not HERE for you since THIS IS ENOUGH : daily news is killing me so why would I complicate when INTERNET CREATES pockets, like the ones I hide my hands in because they do “weird” things & I FELT THAT HURT from people who couldn’t understand...the way they talked about people behind their backs!!!!  The way the door closed as soon as we entered that HOUSE because something was not right.  ACTIVELY HIDING what is supposed to be that presssssure to be perfect & that’s supposed to now mean something else, just like that.  Out-of-the blue.  Do you think I’m blind?  Do you think I’m a moron?  Do you think I’m going to believe another word you say until you EXPLAIN what the fuck you are doing because it’s SUSPICIOUS.  Hindsight is the truth & the shame goes back to you : THE FUTURE FOR ME IS BECAUSE OF THAT MOMENT /THAT CHOICE/ A SPECIAL VIOLATION?!  NOW YOU FUCKING HEAR MY VOICE WHEN I SAID GET OUT of my MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE and isn’t this the same as a SYSTEM fucking up : safety & violence to my body, brain & heart is all that I care about.  What’s wrong with this? & when I get through the rest of “it,” now that I’ve name IT : THEIR SHIT 

Survivor, I hear you, I’m sitting next to you.  You gotta get a little dirty to get clean, those who’ve struggled already know what I mean, a lifestyle that’s the opposite of a dream since I’d rather die than be hurt again.  That feeling on my skin . That’s what was put back in me when YOU LIE & why you do everything right . What!?  Are you above hindsight!? 

This is not an instant sickness with a blurb to describe.  It’s those who live without consequence --they’re the ones who have to hide--meanness was already identified & doing it differently, didn’t want to be treated a certain way about money--& now we get to living : that means snuffing out hypocrisy, hate, evil & ignorance.  It’s the conversation had constantly about difference.

You must treat them like people, too!!  (see how I got out of that zoo)

How you lead, pee-ew!!  Everyone is infected & now everyone is just too SICK.  Take this pill, called “give a shit & do what you said you will” & I’m the one who has to defend a past crime against me!?  And the one who is not chill

LOLOLOLOLOL : never used to do that so that’s a fuck you to you-know-who, techie/non-tech the strength “for good” : gratitude was the answer to change one’s attitude & how many examples did you need?  So going back to my life philosophy, you raped it : these selfish, uncaring & diabolical means to fulfill that need 

Have fuuuuuuun with that : the point of everything & why those flaky relationships have no meaning so that’s how I know all the ways you tried to get away from your past--really had too lil faith in me--why these ptsd memories belong in this dimension, the ones that are triggering me.

Physical & Emotional “follow the process” : be devotional to your SELF, it’s not about mental health but WHO YOU ARE at the core : why you hate yourself or you’re always able to give a little more...the day-to-day is how “mental health” sways & I got to see how someone takes DIGNITY away

LET’S define THAT word : we NEED IT PLEASE

as someone from my past likes to say, you do it “I can’t tell IT anything, a grOWN...”

My answer : you’ve made it very clear what you mean except for all the conversations about how un-grown-up IT is : these are the talks NO WONDER MY BRAIN HURTS : so get it out in stops & spurts, util it’s all gone : then & only then will I write those songs

done with consciousness : TO COMPARE when I’ve had the right rest 

FOCUS 

the dreams in me can’t be believed unless we take abuse seriously.  I’ve seen this idea of trickle down, it doesn’t work in these smaller worlds, it’s all about them them them, well IT IT IT, showed me a stack of cards that didn’t fit his story so had to make something up, using emotionally that was witnessed one time as the guide : as if others bad behaviors would ever justify...

   PAST WRITING

This is my attempt to organize the noise that is ptsd (what sticks & why!?) Like many, I was getting anxious over current events, but unlike others I found it connected to two real-life settings that are triggering me now, this prolonged exposure therapy a useful tool in ptsd recovery after assaults.  This a STEP in  a PROCESS & a way TO HEAL 

Find a way to express the truth | found that way : just doing what I DO

Be truly grateful for what has helped & in this case this modern tool that is mostly magical to me (who knows how it works?) : THE GOLDEN RULE

TY tech : in check, no longer a wreck & don’t have to hide amongst the folds of where I’m catching these triggers & putting them down. 

TODAY I KNOW HOW TO ORGANIZE just one bit of all these pieces bubbling up . . .

   WRITING TODAY 01/31/2018

DATING  is important & does not trigger : able to choose to date or not : date all “first times” & “last times” | Date anything that you don’t question too much 

dating this because I am clear NOW & see how unclear, but mostly able to organize, but leaving IT out since not ready yet [if ever]

You must be ORGANIZED so (a) know strengths (b) know weaknesses (c) learn new skills (d) take infinite risks (e) be courageous with little bits of fear (f) give in on the days that are simply too _____ . You don’t have to make sense since the goal is to get through the night

why is the date the trigger : it’s an ANNIVERSARY : we really don’t understand triggering events happen every year when we appreciate & celebrate happy occasions, right? 

how can pretend now to know?  

this is how you completely blame another person : put self first : dispersed over  🕳 🕳 🕳 🕳 🕳 🕳 🕳 🕳 🕳

When you don’t make sense people think you’re crazy --recent experience with health care specialists have shown me how opinion, expertise & something that is very unique to me, not a thing I FEEL or think about to be honest since I STILL ASSUME people are trying their best & they’re not. 

FLOE GOES HERE

ptsd is a physiological thing : I CAN EXPLAIN IT ALL 

FLOE GOES HERE

How people are not empathetic & what harm that truly does to the BODY & then the MIND or the BODY & then the MIND.  THE BODY is the INDICATOR & thank goodness it exists. 

People are also kind of, well, they make their own conclusions & it’s harmful.  Let’s get back to real discussions, please!!!

Out & about & stuck with a group of people who do not care a lick : I’m stuck & physically SHOWING (shaking, crying, body way OFF, but talking in a regular tone) & now being told I’m triggering when I am not by an expert.  There is truth that after assaults some individuals do not heal & make happy lives, but why is that the automatic assumption?  This is the problem : failure to regroup in a real way leading to lots of fakery that tends to skew the original message: get over it.  TRYING !!!   

Sexual Abuse & Power GO HERE : not the prettiest topic but the one that uncomfortably fits best since we do overlook the effects of crimes of an intimate nature.  I’m going to share what it’s like to GO THROUGH to provide a way for others to say, “Hey, read this” and maybe it’ll be easier to discuss things that aren’t that bad compared to the actual act.  The narrow minded opinion of those who equally admit to not listening & being confused do the most damage since it allows BEHAVIOR based on feelings that don’t have to be explained.  That’s a bit like belief & to just believe without proof of why is a very dangerous place to linger in...it’s like being sucked into an atmosphere your body isn’t used to.  I’ve been hit with a sledgehammer, my breath taken away. 

The blog is to give VOICE to the feelings of ptsd triggers as they happen or shortly after in a “formal reflection.”  I’m demanding more collective interests in SOLVING PTSD & SUICIDES because we are a nation that WANTS TO HELP & HAS THE ABILITY TO in great & small ways.  I woke up from a FOG of ptsd in Nov 201_ & followed my gut & it was the right choice since it showed me HOW GROSS PEOPLE CAN BE.  They stick together & protect for reasons that needlessly hurt others & if that is how they VIEW VIOLENCE I start to question their worst.  If someone does MORE HARM than GOOD...isn’t that a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off in tremendously sad ways?

Find a better way because they showed me it all so thanks Fuckers. ��F

Do more to END VIOLENCE by identifying the FEW KIDS in each school who are being bullied & environments of indifference that leave them ISOLATED

DO more to INCREASE ACCESS to CARE, the ARTS, EDUCATION (liberal arts, vocational, big brained specialists) to give options of self-expression especially if they’re not being taught basic LITERACY & left in the back of the classrooms to learn nothing & be treated like a PET

Do everything you can to never lose hope : JUSTICE whenever possible

superheroes don’t actually exist so the justice system cannot fail

DO nothing & have nothing to complain about  --- kind of obvious - - stop being those people that JUST don’t get it & never will.  You are not your image, your income, your car or your “story” because you lie

Be who you are, but don’t try to pretend what you’re not ---like, really

IDENTIFY FAULTY THINKING : snuff out ignorance & indifference whenever it pops up and those who can’t do it, kick em out.  They don’t get to wank off to bank accounts & treat people shoddily knowing they can & NO ONE will question.

EDUCATIONAL REVOLUTION for the kids who want to be TAUGHT HOW TO LIVE in a world where, yes, no one will accommodate you, but you also don’t have to have FEAR & a shit image of self because of someone else.