#i just noticed tumblr prompted me to spell “psilocybin” wrong

[nokingsonlyfooles]

OK! The current brain condition is +/-15 hours away from a dose, taken before bed with food and no chocolate this time. Well I did have cake for dessert so probably non-zero chocolate in the system, but just cocoa powder. So let's keep talking about things!

The anxiety is definitely up and down based on context. Stuff that I'm used to doing, like a long stint of creativity, is making me feel unsteady and weird. The parts of the process that are challenging (like starting tasks) are offering me less or a different kind of resistance, and it feels like I'm gonna fall and break. I think it's most evident in talking out loud. That feels easier, and I do NOT trust that. Like: oh, God, why do I have all these words now, I'm going to pick the wrong ones! It's as if someone replaced my stick shift with an automatic and I've never driven one of those. I need to pop the clutch or I'll grind the gears! Where's the clutch?!?

Or maybe it's like going from a bumper car to an actual car? This thing has the ability to veer into traffic and really hurt me or someone else! Put me back in the limited machine that bangs me into walls all the time, I'm used to it! I mean, that sucks and gives me anxiety, too, but being used to it seems to make up for a lot. I can probably learn to drive, but... Wow, I put off actual driving for so long due to anxiety. I quit trying to learn a bunch of times. I hope it won't be like that.

Adding chocolate and other things to the dose is called stacking, and it's based in folk knowledge. It's real hard to do research with "illegal drugs" so I'm willing to forgive a lack of specific studies for the moment. If I start seeing a lot of research that says it's BS, I'll adjust. Until then, mushrooms have had a place in folk medicine for a long time and I'll try their suggestions, even without data on what works and why. I might do better with less or no chocolate, but three doses isn't much for a sample size. I'm still throwing things at the wall to see what sticks.

I think some of the side effects are down to the fact that I've got more than one weird thing going on. When the spouse read that thing about not hearing the music, he said that's kinda how it works for him. He's also on the autism spectrum, but they'd label him as higher functioning than me, and he doesn't test ADHD positive. I used to perceive everything coming at me all the time, but right now, when I see something interesting, the other stuff is, like, GONE. It's there, but it's gone. I don't know how else to express that! It's weird and I'm not used to it!

I also think I'm gonna be an every-other-day type person, if I stick with it. In the last few hours, I really start to lose traction, and going back to normal (normal for me) feels like a rubber band snapping back and hitting me in the face. Like, maybe even less functional than usual. Last night, putting dinner away, I froze up because I couldn't fit two slices of loaf in one container and if I couldn't fit two slices, we wouldn't have enough containers, and that's as far as I got. I just yelled "I don't know what to do!" while laughing at the absurdity.

The spouse came in and said we could just put one slice in every container. "Noooo," I said, still laughing. I could already see what he was gonna do. "That's not the same color! There's not enough!" He pulled down the container that was a different size and colour and I was like, "What is wrong with you? I can't deal with this! I can't watch this! I have to leave!" Still exaggerating to be silly, but I don't think I could've put food away in that wrong-colour container if I had to. I would've put everything back in the pan or just walked away, like, "Actually, we don't need leftovers." That's where my brain was, and that feels so dumb now.

Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ. That container that's the wrong colour would've fit two slices. It's big enough. We could've put two slices in one big container, and one slice in two small containers, and that's the smart thing because it takes up less room and uses fewer dishes... WTF. NEITHER of us saw that? AND NOW I DO?? I think he got locked into "one slice per container" like I got locked into "these containers are for the loaf." Or maybe he was distracted because I scared him by getting less functional so fast like that. (Sorry, babe!)

Ya know, any post where I talk about this is just gonna be long as hell because I'm having complex revelations in realtime. Am I even remembering that right? *wanders off to check fridge* Yes. Yes I am. I couldn't see it before, now I do. I have become slightly less stupid about how to put meatloaf away. I can't fix it now, but it's interesting. I could just be like this, huh? As long as the drugs hold out, and I could grow my own if I had to.

My brain now has two modes like my US/CAN keyboard! I get to pick one! Toggling back and forth is uncomfortable, but we'll see how it changes as I adjust. Gonna be a weird couple of months!

How D'ya Like THEM Apples?

So, trying the decriminalized mushrooms in tiny doses for the ADHD (because, in my particular situation, going to a doctor for this might be hazardous to my health in general). The first time I took them before bed, with chocolate, and that upset my stomach a little so I decided to take them with breakfast like they suggested in the instructions (not really a breakfast person). Not an improvement, they upset my stomach more and made me anxious all day yesterday. Can't know if I'm getting used to them or I need to figure out the best way to take them.

Still slightly anxious today, but able to roll with it.

So, here's the deal. A while back, the spouse and I discussed what the prompt "imagine an apple" gets you, in your brain. He can imagine an apple at will. I found out, I can't. I need context. What's it for? Do you want my culture's Platonic ideal of "apple" or are you going to the store and you need to know what's a good one to buy? Do I need to get taste and texture involved here or is it more like set dressing? With some context, I can kinda get you an apple, but it's indistinct.

And I thought, "Ahaaa! That's that 'imagination deficit' they want to see to diagnose the autism. That's what that is! I can't cough up unlimited specific apples without specific contexts for each one, and even then it's not so good!"

But, after that first microdose, while heading off to sleep, I thought to myself, to pass the time, "Hey, wonder if I can imagine an apple any better?" And, uh, I COULD? Unlimited specific apples, no context. I mentioned that to the spouse, and he said, "Can you still do it now?" And, yes. Yes I can. +/-36 hours away from the second tiny dose of mushroom, and I can give you unlimited specific apples, if you need me to imagine that for some reason.

And... It kinda feels nonsensical that I couldn't do that before? Yeah, apples. There's lots. Just pick one. But I know I couldn't. Not even for the sake of a person who would be satisfied with any imaginary apple. Like, I could imagine the shittiest apple and that would be fine, it would be a judgment free zone! But I remember I couldn't do it. I needed a better prompt.

That thing with the apples is not something I've heard about for ADHD, but I did just barely get an internet diagnosis on that (thanks, @kithpendragon), and I only ordered the stuff because my THC vendor has it. I need the THC to keep from waking up from the edge of sleep with a gasp and heart palpitations, fearing to be harmed. If you spend $200 and stock up, they send you more THC as a surprise! That's a good deal! I like not having panic attacks! For months at a time! I'm not liking the stomach ache and anxiety from the mushrooms, but this thing with the apples makes me feel functional and cool. I don't wanna lose that!

I'm kinda concerned I'm gonna end up doing a real Flowers for Algernon here if I can't tolerate the mushrooms, or they go illegal again because politics. Like, I'm not sure how well the brain differences will play with my creativity and productivity. I need to draw things and go shopping and make dinner, ya know? Lots of different stuff. I seem to be able to do laundry and write a long-ass Tumblr post, but I need long-term data on that. In any case, five days a week is the maximum recommended dose and I gotta take breaks or I'll build up a tolerance.

I may end up looking forward to my meds like that one Tumblrite in my feed the other day, even if they make my stomach hurt! Or I may end up trading one kind of imagination for another and going back and forth indefinitely. I'd prefer the former, but I gotta wait and see.😅