#i just loved this scene idk it was extremely entertaining to sit and try to pick out all the actors before it went to the next shot | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

callmeshakespurr · 3 years ago

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Hey, if you're requests are open could you do a Rick Flag × Male Villian Reader (fluff) idk something cute where Rick Flag ends up falling in love with Male Reader, and the feeling is mutual. Idk you can fo what you want with it. ❤

Rick Flag x Male Reader

Requested: yes

Category: fluff, just a little bit of angst

Warnings: slight torture (?), i mention a knife like,, once

Note: I haven’t watched Suicide Squad in some time, so this could’ve turned out just the tiniest bit yandere, I hope you don’t mind! Also- I kinda struggled with this cause its my first time writing an actual one shot, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways (:

Tysm for requesting, hope you enjoy it <3

“Where is he?”, Amanda Waller called out as she walked down the hallway, towards the high security room you were currently kept in — Colonal Richard ‘Rick’ Flag not far behind her.

Her call grabbed the attention of the two guards, who stood in front of your cell.

“Is he in there?”, Amanda asked again, approaching the door with fast steps. One of the guards nodded and opened the thick metal door to let the director and the colonel in.

Amanda Waller had tried to get her hands on you for almost five years now, after you first made an apperiance in a club, killing two people. After that, several assassinations followed. Nobody knew who you exactly were, what you looked like, who you worked for; you were like a shadow — what people then came to call you, Shadow.

The major reason of why nobody could get a hold of you even in the slightest bit, was because you always vanished before anybody could even spot you.

After two years of not being able to catch you, the police gave up on further investigation in your cases. Amanda didn’t break so easily though. She wanted you in one of those cells she kept so many freaks in already, and she wasn’t going to give up until she had you sitting behind one of those metal doors, unable to escape her.

After all these years of going after you, she did manage to find out two major things about you. Why you always managed to escape without anyone catching a glimpse of you, and what your weakness was.

All these things led to the present situation.

You sat in a dark room, the only light source being a small lamp, dangling from the ceiling. Your ankles were tightly cuffed to the chair you were sitting on, on your wrists and neck you felt something cold and heavy, which seemed to send small electric shocks through your body every few seconds.

You weren’t sure where you exactly were, since you passed out before they got you. Hell, you didn’t even know who ‘they’ were.

You closed your eyes, trying to concentrate on your thoughts, which was not as easy as you hoped it would be. To say that you were in pain was an understatement. The electricity flowing through your body kept you from thinking straight, and send a wave of pure pain through your limbs with every shock you got.

A female voice ripped you from your trance, and you slowly opened your eyes again, head still hanging low. You knew that voice and you knew that you didn’t stand a chance anymore.

“Your powers won’t work anymore, unless i allow you to use them, so don’t even try.”, that voice belonged to none other than Amanda Waller, probably the only person on this planet you actually feared. You were never scared of what her minions could do to you, no. You were scared of what she could do to you if she ever managed to get you — which almost happened on several occasions.

You clenched your fists, trying to ignore the pain that came over you again, as you frantically tried to somehow sort your thoughts and find a way out of this, but nothing seemed to work. There was no way out of this. There was no escaping this. The feeling of helplessness washed over you, a feeling you didn’t like at all.

“You’re Y/N L/N, you’re a teleporter, thats how you managed to always vanish before the police got to the crime scene”, Amanda spoke, watching you as you sat there on the chair, staring at the ground, unable to move a single muscle. “It took me some time, but i managed to figure out how to block your powers”, she continued, taking slow steps towards you “Teleporters are extremely sensitive to electricity, some mightve even already died due to the constant pain if they were in your place.” She stopped right in front of you, looking down at your slumped figure, the only thing restraining you from falling over being the thick metallic handcuffs that kept your hands tied behind the chair.

Amanda grabbed your chin, forcing you to look up at her. Your sight was blurry and it cost you a lot of strength to even keep your eyes open, but you did manage to make out the silhouette of a rather tall person standing at the entrance of the cell, watching the whole scene, before your focus was back on the woman in front of you. “You’re actually a very pretty boy, Y/N, and very smart too, it’s a shame that you decided to end up like this.”, she said, before letting your face go. “Rick, take him to get the injection, then get his things and introduce him to the team. After that, you can take him to his provided cell.”

The man standing at the door — Rick, you assumed — made his way towards you, as Waller left the room, leaving you to the colonel.

Rick helped you out of the cuffs, that kept you strapped to the chair. Looking at you, he almost felt bad, you looked so drained and helpless. He had never exactly agreed with anything Amanda Waller did, but seeing what just a few hours under her control did with you was another level of not agreeing with something she did.

“Can you stand?”, the colonel asked and you nodded, slowly rising from the chair. Your legs wobbled beneath your weight and you instinctively grabbed onto whats next to you, which just so happened to be Ricks Arm.

After making sure you had gathered enough strength, he began to walk with you towards the door.

time skip

It’s been a little over a week now since they’ve brought you here — you think. Every day was the same. Sitting on the cold floor of your cell, staring at the camera in the corner of your ceiling, some guard bringing you food, you not eating it, some guard taking it away again and reporting everything to someone, more staring at the camera, someone bringing you food again, you not eating it again, the guard taking it away again and reporting everything, all over again, everyday.

The only slightest bit good and entertaining thing was the colonel — Rick Flag, as you learned was his name — checking up on you every now and then when he didn’t have anything better to do. You didn’t quite understand why Rick was making efforts to look after you, just for you to not answer his questions anyways, but you appreciated it. It made everything a little more bearable.

Of course, you were one of the bad guys, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have a life outside of assassinations.

When you weren’t working for other bad guys, you loved to just sit in your apartment and read, you loved to go onto high buildings and watch over the city. You dreamed of leaving everything behind and exploring the world someday. You worked at your favourite coffee shop, hell you even had a cat. The thought of your only friend being probably already dead or suffering made you sad, but what could you do about it?

Sometimes, you wish you hadn’t picked the path you were on, but looking back at the time you chose to work for the bad guys, you didn’t really have a choice.

Your train of thoughts was interrupted, when you heard the door to your cell open. Hoping it would be Rick, you looked up, your eyes only half open from the lack of strength you had. What you did not expect was to see Amanda Waller standing in front of you, Rick Flag behind her.

“Stand up”, the woman demanded. You listened, as it was of no use to resist her orders. You slowly got up on your feet, which didn’t last long, since you almost immediately fell over, landing painfully hard on your knees. To your suprise, Rick immediately rushed to your side, helping you stand up again.

“I don’t need him on missions like this”, Waller spoke as she watched you lean onto Rick for support. “Take him to the base, the council and I will be waiting there in the meeting room for him.” With that, Waller left again.

The way to the car wasn’t long, but with you almost not being able to stand on you own, let alone walk on your own, it took a little longer, which only fueled your anxiety. The ride to the base was even worse though, since nobody talked and you had five guards sitting around you.

Finally arriving at the door of the meeting room, which was located in the base, the two guards standing in front of it immediately opened the door as soon as they saw the colonel.

The room was quiet at an instance, when you stepped a food inside, Rick following very close behind you — just in case something should happen.

Amanda Waller stood in front of a group of suit wearing men who all sat at one big round table, most likely discussing something. She gestured you to come next to her, to which you complied.

“And who is this now, Director Waller? A new addition to your group of- freaks?”, asked one of the men as he looked you up and down, probably doubting that someone like you could be much of an good asset.

“This, Gentlemen,”, she grabbed your arm and moved you a little forward, making you almost tumble “is Y/N L/N or ‘Shadow’, he was an assassin for almost five years now, working for several other bad guys. Nobody got a hold of him till now due to his teleporting ability. He has over a hundred confirmed kills and not once did anyone ever get near him. I’m using these electric cuffs”, she grabbed your arm again and lifted it up to present the metal cuff, which was secured around your arm “to block his powers, which means he cannot teleport, as long as the electric shocks are on full power. As soon as I turn down the power a little, he can use his power, it is more draining and limited to a certain radius, but it works. I have him under full control and I want him on the team.” Murmurs broke out between the people in the room, as soon as she finished.

“I’m sorry, director, but do you really think it’s a good idea to put another- another misfit on that team? They’re bad guys and will always stay bad guys, and their freaky abilities make them even more dangerous.”, one of the men in suits spoke.

“As I said, I have him under full control, gentlemen. Let me demonstrate.”, Amanda spoke, turning to you, as the people sitting at the table sat back.

Waller took out some kind of remote and tapped on something. First your body tensed due to all the stress and pain you were under at the moment, but as soon as Amanda tapped on the remote, the electric shocks suddenly weren’t as intense as they were before, and your whole body relaxed, your eyes almost watering due to the wave of relief washing over you.

Rick was more than tense while watched the whole situation, only realizing in how much pain you actually were when Waller turned down the intensity of the electric shocks emmitting from the metallic cuffs you were wearing.

Waller looked you in the eyes with a serious expression on her face. “You disobey, you die, got that?” And suddenly you remembered the injection they gave you, when they first brought you here.

Seeing you had no other choice than obeying her, you simply gave her a small nod and looked around the room, taking in every detail. You looked at the small table in front of you, spotting a sharp knife, which you figured was put there by Amanda specifically for you in this exact situation.

With fast movements, you grabbed the knife and teleported to the other side of the room, holding the knife to one of the mens throat. Everyone in the room stiffened even more, and you heard at least three guns clicking.

Looking up, your eyes met Rick’s, before you looked over to Waller, who was already fixated on you. You slowly pressed the knife more against the man’s throat, wanting to see what Waller was going to do. The next electric shock came and you almost yelled out in pain, letting the knife fall, teleporting back to Waller and falling to your knees, clutching the metal around your neck.

Rick wanted to rush to help you, but was quickly held back by Amanda, gesturing him to wait.

“As you can see, I can control his powers however i want to, and should he disobey in any way, or should his powers bolt”, she tilted your head with her finger, than pressed onto the spot on your neck where they injected you, “he dies.”

Still staring at the ground, you swallowed harshly. You’ve never wanted to go back in time and undo all the bad things that happened so badly like in this specific moment. Maybe if you’re parents hadn’t ever found about your ability, you would still be at home, with your family, not here, being tortured by some government lady who wanted to use you as a weapon.

“There’s one more thing. I don’t need him on any mission in this shape. He needs to recover, quickly, and while doing so, I want him under Rick Flags complete supervision. It might cost a little more effort, but think about of how much use he will be for us”, Amanda said, a mischievous expression crossing her face for a few seconds, that going unnoticed by you and pretty much everyone else in the room.

time skip

Three whole months had passed. You’ve been staying with Rick ever since Amanda Waller announced that he had to fully supervise you.

The time you spent with Rick made you feel as if everything wasn’t so bad after all. Occasional talking here and there, Rick cooking something for the both of you every now and then, you almost felt normal again — weren’t there the electric cuffs reminding you of what was real every few minutes.

Over the past three months, your sleep only got worse. You got used to the constant pain by now, but the electricity didn’t only affect you physically, it also messed up your thoughts like hell. Sometimes you didn’t know where up and down was anymore, everything was all over the place inside your mind.

That was also the reason, you were up right now, in the middle of the night, sitting at the big window in your bedroom, looking over the city. You hugged your knees tightly to your chest, and rested you chin on them, letting a few tears slip. You hadn’t cried in a long time, but you were just so exhausted. You were never this close to giving up than right now. Nothing seemed to ever be okay again, you couldn’t do anything but accept your fate.

Being to entangled in your own thoughts, you didn’t hear your bedroom door open.

It didn’t take Rick a long time to spot you in your place at the window. He just came home from a mission that Amanda Waller had wanted you on, but Rick insisted on giving you a little more time to deal with everything.

The tall man closed the door as quietly as he could behind him, which seemed to not be quiet enough, since you jumped slightly at the noise, quickly standing up and turning around. Rick gave you an apologetic look, before slowly walking towards you, “I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked, I just wanted to check up on you and see if you’re alright-“ “It’s fine, I’m fine”, you interrupted him, wiping your tears quickly, taking a deep breath.

Rick frowned, he had never seen you cry before. He cared too much for you and he knew it, he just couldn’t help himself. Stopping in front of you, he looked down at you, only for his eyes to meet yours. For a moment, you both got lost in each others eyes, before you ripped your gaze away, looking to the side.

“Do you want anything else from me?”, you asked shakily, getting a little nervous with his burning stare on you.

“I actually do, yes-“, he hesitated for a moment. You looked up at him with a questioning expression. “Close your eyes”, you complied, closing your eyes slightly, one hand moving to hold onto Rick’s shirt so you didn’t lose your balance. You felt him lean down slightly, till you could fell his warm breath on your cheek. You surpressed a shiver, as he carefully tilted your head.

Now, you didn’t really know what to expect; you and Rick had gotten closer but you weren’t sure, if there were actual romantic feelings, or if he just pitied you, so a kiss wasn’t exactly what you expected. But you definitely would’ve expected it more than what happened next.

A small ‘click’ echoed through the dark room, the next thing you knew was, that all the pain suddenly disappeared. Your eyes watered when you felt Rick’s fingers carefully removing the heavy metallic cuffs around your wrists and neco, pure relief washing over you. Your leaned your body onto Rick’s, unable to support your own weight for a few moments.

When you had finally gained control over your own body again, you moved back a few centimetres and looked up to Rick, who met your confused eyes. “I couldn’t bear to see you in so much pain any longer, so I triedmy best to convince her and I’d say I’m lucky that she trusts me with you.”, the colonel smiled a little, raising a hand to softly carress your cheek. Your eyes widened. He quickly removed his hand again and apologized, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

Rick took a step back, still being careful so you didn’t lose balance again, “I should go, and you should sleep, you need to be well rested and-“

You were fast to interrupt him by taking a quick step towards him, getting a little on your tiptoes, before pressing a small kiss to Rick’s lips. You carefully looked him in the eyes again, “I don’t know either, but it just felt like the right thing to do.”

It took the man a few seconds to process what just happened, but when he did, he was quick to kiss you again, his soft lips over yours, moving slowly, as you kissed back. He put his hands on your waist, while you locked yours behind his neck. You kissed for a few moments, before the both of you had to breathe again. “Thank you”, you whispered against Rick’s lips, before receiving another small peck. “Sleep with me tonight?”, he asked quietly, getting lost in your eyes again. You gave him a small nod, allowing him to pick you up and carry you to his room, both of you smiling as you fell onto the mattress.

#suicide squad #rick flag #y/n #rick flag x male reader #male reader

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freakygirlie · 3 years ago

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Hi. Itk here. Believe me, don't, doesn't matter. Thought I'd drop (after you summoned ha) by given the chaos and try to enlighten the ones who choose to believe me, as much as I'm capable of.

The first thing I wanna say is: stop trying to figure out their relationship. You most likely never will. Fans are stuck on both extremes, when the actuality of it is far more in the middle (perhaps even up or down and all around ha). It's complex and strange and not at all "normal" (as normal as they could be, anyways).

It's not as simple as "oh they're just a closeted couple who engage in bearding and have kids and behind closed doors they're just a regular, old married couple and a big, happy rainbow family".

Doesn't sound like itk info, believe me, I get that but observing the fandom I'd say it almost is because most fans simply hang on extreme simplistic ideas of what their relationship is.

Second thing I'd like to say and unfortunately seems like it's not at all obvious but: do not believe anything they share publicly. Not saying they're lying compulsively, but they are public figures and they have a lot at stake to just casually drop the actual truth of any given situation.

Just don't. The same salt you have regarding itks, have towards them. It'd do you some good...Believe me. Unless you are involved in the entertainment or political life, you cannot even begin to fathom what it's really like, the level of manipulation, falsehood and well, overall deviation of it. It's quite disturbing tbh. So just always take whatever's said and shown with a good amount of salt. With public people hardly anything is accidental or casual.

I think the most prominent question now is...Why? Why would they do something like that? Regardless if you have the ingenuity to believe the little scene they made or not...Still, the question lingers.

With my level of "in the knowness" I cannot for sure say the real reason, yet from the pieces I've collected so far, seems to be a multiple gain scheme. It was a high risk, they were well aware, and it paid out in the way they were expecting, minus small bumps here and there. But overall it seemed to have worked in their favor. How in the hell, one would ask?

Believe me, I used my best sneaky capabilities to find out exactly why but they were smart enough to keep this one locked tight, minus a few loose lips. And from those all I've heard was that "whatever the purpose was, it worked out".

As weird as it may sound to the innocent mind, it's actually not at all, given that even leaked nudes are not at all leaked or accidental, and those tend to (at least in the past) get immense amount of backlash. It's not the first time famous folks fake a fight, surely won't be the last.

A lot goes into public image, it's not black and white as "well but it looked bad on Jensen", "it looked bad on the prequel", etc. You'd be surprised as how little this truly matters given the level of manipulation they are able to pull on the public. And well, even with them...It happens all the time. Both made mistakes far worse than just "not telling my bestie about my new project" and fans would eventually let that go and put them back on the pedestal.

So just remember, always: not in the industry? then don't judge anything because you simply do not understand how it works.

Another piece of itk information I can give besides "this was planned and it worked" is: they are fine. From what I've heard they are not fighting over it or going through anything more dramatic than what they usually have been going through ever since they met haha.

So just sit back and chill out. Breathe, read fanfiction and remember that we will never truly get answers, because even what comes out of their mouths are most of the time carefully thought out and directed to have a specific meaning and effect (why do you think Jared mumbles and rambles so much?).

Another interesting piece of itk: you know how they always say they never fight? Even though that sounds insanely hard to believe even if they were just friends because who knows someone for that long and is constantly together and never fights? Unlikely, right? Yes, as obvious as that was. But unfortunately a lot of you seem to believe that, given the level of shock you had for this little twitter feud (as fake as it was). Yeah. They fight. A lot.

They fight as much as individuals in their situation would. Like I said, not at all what most people absentmindedly seem to think it is. They go through a lot. Way more than anyone who isn't in a similar situation would understand. It's messy, although they try their best to make it simpler in the ways they can.

On top of being in a very complex situation, they both have strong personalities and one of them is quite hard to "pin down". So altercations happen a lot, but they know how to deal, and they are exceptionally good at making sure that doesn't interfere in their work (oh well, at least not any work that doesn't benefit from intense emotional exchanges, anyways 😉...chemistry isn't something random, you know? haha).

I find it quite...interesting (to put it nicely) that a lot of hats easily believe they are a couple that lies constantly about almost every aspect of their lives, yet, they cannot believe they would fake a social media narrative. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It'd do you all good to be a little less tendentious and look at them as, you know...Humans? They are not what they seem to be, just as you guys also take in different versions of yourselves in different situations, they do too. And don't be so hopelessly naive to actually believe they see fans as "hashtag family". This is their work. And as grateful as they are for supporters, they certainly do not consider them family. To the point of never lying and trusting you with their life.

I'm sure they love their fans, but come on, saying they would never lie because that's mean to fans is just beyond naive. They've been doing it all along and oh, another interesting info? They don't think they're doing anything wrong.

Yeah, sounds weird, you'd think they'd feel guilty. But again, unless you were media trained, you'd never get it.

From years now if there's one consistent info I've gotten was this: they don't feel obligated to tell you anything. They believe they are doing "what they are supposed to do, the right thing for everyone involved".

So. Yeah. And hell, they are right about not being obligated to say anything about anything, I guess.

Well, I hope that was helpful or at least entertaining. It's hard to share info without accidentally making it obvious who I am for the lurkers (sure you guys were well aware that they lurk around the fandom). But it's safe because as long as I don't provide evidence, I'm fine. Just walking a thin line between sharing and not sharing something too specific that would be easy fir them to know who has that info and although they can't do anything against itks, they can manage to cut us off somehow and I enjoy having access lol, so that'd be a bummer.

Anyways, take itks and J2 themselves with a ton of salt haha! You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!

itk anon everything you said was <333 and i agree with like almost all of it. very nice analysis and ask thank you ! i don't always believe everything j2 put out but the whole stunt being a false narrative just seems wrong so idk what to make of it. regardless i myself can sometimes get carried away in my star-struck love of j2. and i am a tinhat so well :) and now they look to be really good and taking a break from here was well worth it <3

''You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!'' i love u so much hope u have a great day !

#anon ask #this was long jfc #ily anon <3 #j2 tinhat #prequel gate

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iamanartichoke · 4 years ago

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I wrote a Thing. It’s extremely long. I’d prefer it not be reblogged; I wrote this for my own catharsis and would prefer it not be circulated, bc of Reasons.

I changed my mind, okay to reblog. <3

Under a cut for (extreme, did I mention?) length.

So I got about 12 minutes of sleep last night, as you do, and around 3am or so I found myself - out of sheer curiosity - going down a meta hole of Ragnarok discourse, trying to figure out where this "satisfying redemption arc" for Loki happened. (I mean, there's a lot of things I would like to figure out, but I started there.) Because I could.

Basically I was looking for meta that went into detail about how Loki was redeemed in a satisfactory way. The ‘satisfactory’ is an important word here bc there is a redemption arc in the film, in that Loki starts off the film as an antagonist (kinda) to Thor and he ends the film as an ally to Thor, standing at Thor's side. In that sense, yes, there's a redemption arc. I didn't find much (and I had no idea how much people just despise Ragnarok "antis" [I really dislike that word] but that's another topic [that I don't particularly want to get into, tbh]) but I did find some. I read what I could find, and I read it open-mindedly, and overall I came away feeling like, okay, there are some valid points being made here and I can kinda see where they're coming from.

But it was a bit (a lot) like -- flat. Idk. The best comparison I can think of is that it’s like if a literature class read, I don't know, The Yellow Wallpaper for an assignment, and some of the students came away from it feeling like it was a creepy story about a woman slowly driving herself insane, and the other students came away from it incensed at the oppression and infantilization of women in the late 19th century -

- and neither side is wrong, but the former is a very surface-level reading and the latter isn't (bc it stems from looking at why she drives herself insane, why she was prescribed 'rest' in the first place, the context of what women could and couldn't do back then, etc; basically, a bit more work has to go into it).

[Note: I am not disparaging the quality of The Yellow Wallpaper. At all. It’s just the first relatively well-known story that popped into my head.]

In this sense, I can see the argument for Loki's redemption arc, but I don't think it's a very good argument. Not invalid, but not great.

I mean, for example, I think the most consistent argument I found variations of re: Loki's redemption is that Ragnarok shows Loki finally taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and misdeeds. This includes recognizing that his actions were fueled from a place of self-hatred and a desire to self-destruct in addition to bringing destruction on others. That he probably feels awkward and regretful of these things and doesn't know how to act around Thor, but he figures it out by the end, and decides that returning to Asgard is the best way to show that he's ready to make amends. His act of bringing the Statesman to Asgard is an apology. He allies himself with Thor and ends up in a better place, both narratively (united with Thor once again) and mentally (having taken responsibility and made amends for his past).

And setting aside that he had already made amends by sacrificing his life in TDW (and also setting aside that the argument is made that Loki redeems himself in IW by sacrificing himself to Thanos but if that's the case, wouldn't that imply that he hadn't achieved redemption in Ragnarok or else there would be no need to achieve it again in IW? Or, if you think he did achieve redemption in Ragnarok, then what the fuck did he give his life in IW for? What was his motivation there, and why did the narrative not make it clearer? I digress.)

- setting aside those two factors, I think this is a very fair argument. Loki is fueled by self-hatred, and he does want to self-destruct, and he does want to inflict that pain on others as well (particularly Thor). No lies detected here.

However, I also need to know where that self-hatred and desire for destruction (toward himself and others) comes from and for that, we need to go back to Thor 1.

Thor 1.

Loki starts Thor 1 out as "a clenched fist with hair," to borrow a quote from the Haunting of Hill House (that I tucked away in my mental box of Lovely Things bc it says so much so very simply). He's very used to bottling everything up, pushing it down; he slinks around behind the scenes, pulling the strings to this plot or that. He's "always been one for mischief," but the narrative implies that the coronation incident is the first time Loki's done anything truly terrible. And it all immediately pretty much goes to shit, so Loki spends the rest of the movie frantically juggling all these moving pieces while trying to seem as if he's got it all under control, every step of the way. That's how I view his actions.

But I always come back to that quote where Kenneth Branaugh tells Tom, of the scene in the vault, "This is where the thin steel rod that's been holding your mind together snaps." In other words this is where Loki discovering he's Jotun is just one thing too many. He can't take it. But though the rod snaps, his descent isn't a nosedive. It's a tumble. As the story progresses, the clenched fist starts to loosen, the muscles are flexed in unfamiliar ways (that feel kinda good, after being stiff for so long), and it culminates with the hand opening completely and shaking itself out. All of that repression, that self-hatred, that rage and jealousy just explodes so that, by the time the bifrost scene happens, Loki's already hit bottom. It's not just about proving his worthiness to Odin. He wants to hurt Thor, too; he, essentially, throws a tantrum. (That's right, I said tantrum.)

(Note: The word 'tantrum’ has negative connotations bc we normally equate it with a toddler stamping their feet and screaming in the aisle when their parent won't buy them the toy they want. But in itself, the word tantrum isn't infantalizing. It's an "emotional outburst, an uncontrolled explosion of anger and frustration" [paraphrasing from dictionary.com]. That's exactly what happens here [and why Tom called Loki's actions a massive tantrum, but people took that to mean Tom agreed it was childish whereas I doubt Tom meant it that way]).

He's been pushed past his limit, and he does bad things. He does really shitty things. He hurts Thor, he hurts his family. I'm pretty sure he knows this all along so this isn't, like, some revelation further down the line that "hey, those things I did were probably kinda bad." He got the memo already.

Ragnarok

Fast forward to Ragnarok, and we're introduced to a version of Loki who's had 4ish years to sit with everything that's happened. To sit with it and not do much else. The rawness of it has faded, and now it seems as though it's just become a thing, like when you move through life aware of your childhood traumas and have more or less just accepted them (and you probably share a lot of really funny depression memes on Facebook, which is kinda the equivalent of Loki's play, but that's probably just me).

Loki has, more or less, chilled out. He seems more bored than anything else; he's been masquerading as Odin for longer than he ever planned or intended to, so he's more or less ended up hanging out, letting Asgard mind its own business, and entertaining himself with silly plays. This is the version that starts out the movie as an antagonist to Thor - a version that is, arguably, in a much different place [and is a much milder threat] than the version who originally did those Bad Things.

And of course Thor is still mad at him, and of course they're going to butt heads, because that's what they do (and Thor's grievances are genuine, I’ll add, bc it's not really his fault he assumed Loki faked his death, nor can he be blamed for being pissed about Odin).

One argument framed this version of Loki as being a person who is facing the awkwardness of coming out of a dark place, which is fair. If we're going to frame his actions in Thor 1 as a tantrum, then Ragnarok would be the part where the toddler has been taken home, possibly has had some lunch and a juice box, and is now watching cartoons. They're over the tantrum, and would probably feel pretty silly about it if they weren't, yknow, toddlers. They probably can't remember why they even wanted that toy so badly. If they're a little older and self-aware, they might even be embarrassed for having melted down.

Like the word tantrum, this feeling isn't a thing limited to toddlers. I know I've had a few epic meltdowns as a grown ass adult, and I know I always feel deeply embarrassed afterwards - like, want to crawl into a hole and die. I've said things I can't take back. Adolescents and teenagers throw tantrums, mentally ill people throw tantrums, adults throw tantrums (I mean, my god, look at all the videos of Karens having screaming meltdowns - screaming! - over having to wear masks in order to shop at stores). Humans throw tantrums. And usually, after the feelings have been let out and the tantrum has passed, humans feel pretty regretful and awkward and embarrassed about whatever they did and said in the midst of their meltdown.

I get all of that and agree it's valid and that Loki probably feels it. By the time Ragnarok happens, Loki's had some time to reflect and think hmm, yeah, probably could've handled that one a lot better. The argument further goes that in order to navigate this awkward period, Loki must come to terms with what he's done, acknowledge that some things can't be unsaid or undone, and begin to make amends. Supposedly, some people feel that Loki becomes a better person because he does "own" everything he did wrong and, even though he feels like a jackass (paraphrasing), he sets that aside to become a become a better person by choosing to help Thor and Asgard at the end.

Thus, the overall arc goes like this. Loki, Thor's jealous little brother,

throws a tantrum of epic proportions bc Reasons

continues to act badly and make things even worse (Avengers)

has to face consequences for his actions (prison sentence)

ends up with a stretch of time in which he's free to contemplate and chill out

feels embarrassed and awkward about how he's behaved

sees an opportunity to make up for it and decides to take it

helps Thor, saves the day, and ends the film a better person.

Redemption achieved.

None of this is wrong. The film supports it. It's a fair interpretation. But it leaves. out. so. much.

To circle all the way back around Loki being "a clenched fist with hair," and his actions stemming from his self-hatred, you have to ask - how did he get that way? He didn't end up with all this self-hatred on accident. Generally, one isn't born despising themselves, it's a learned behavior. (I realize chemical imbalances are a thing, obviously, as I have Mental Shit myself, but for argument's sake I'm assuming that's not the case with Loki [at this point in time]).

Where did Loki learn it? From his family, from his surroundings, from his culture. We see examples of these microaggressions in the first, like, twenty minutes of the movie - a guard openly laughs at Loki's magic after Thor makes a joke about it (the tone of the conversation implies that Thor "jokes" like this often) and though Loki does the snake thing, the guard faces no real consequences. Thor doesn't acknowledge that anything went amiss. Not much later, on their way to Jotunheim, Loki's barely gotten two words out to Heimdall before Thor cuts him off, steps in front of him, and takes charge. Loki doesn't look annoyed at this; he looks resigned.

Then, for absolutely no reason at all, Volstagg decides to make a jab at Loki ("silver tongue turned to lead?") just because he can. The ease with which he makes this comment and the way that no one else blinks an eye at it implies that this isn't out of the norm. And Loki doesn't react, not really. In the deleted version, he delivers a particularly nasty comeback but he delivers it under his breath, without intending Volstagg to hear it. In the final version, he simply says nothing, though his expression can be read as hurt or stung. Either way, the audience sees an example of Loki being walked all over by Thor and his friends and bottling up his reactions instead of standing up for himself.

Microaggressions matter. They are mentally and emotionally damaging. They hurt. The implication that this is not unusual treatment for Loki means that Loki's probably gone through this for most of his life. It's like the equivalent of being, I don't know, twenty two and you're the friend who has to walk behind the others when the sidewalk isn't wide enough, and it's been that way since the first day of kindergarten. At this point, you're used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the jabs come seemingly out of nowhere, for no reason other than to make you feel bad.

(I personally identify a lot with this bc I experienced passive bullying in social settings for years. I was the 'doesn't fit on the sidewalk' friend; I hung around with people who'd pretend to be my friend and would be more or less nice to my face, but would laugh at me and make fun of me behind my back for whatever reasons. And often there'd be the random jabs at me, things that would come out of nowhere to smack me in the face, followed by the fake laugh and “just kidding!" so that I couldn't even get upset without being made to feel like I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I'd deal with this socially, particularly in middle school when girls are their most vicious, and then I'd go home and, because I was the only girl with a lot of brothers and because boys are mean and because I am who I am, the dynamic was that my brothers would just endlessly roast me to my face and sometimes it was a "just kidding!" thing, where I was the only one not laughing. But that’s beside the point; my point is that microaggressions, passive bullying, and consistent invalidation are harmful and that shit stays with you into adulthood.)

So, yes, Loki needs to be held responsible for his misdeeds, and it's valid to say that he recognizes those misdeeds and wants to make amends. I have never disagreed with that. But the problem with this interpretation is that it lets every single other character who contributed to Loki's self-hatred and mental breakdown (let's just call a spade a spade here, that's what it was; he was broken psychologically) get off scot-free.

First of all,

Odin is not held accountable for instilling in the princes a mentality of Asgard first, everyone is beneath us but Jotuns are benath us the most, they are literal monsters. He is not held accountable for pitting his sons against one another (even if it was unintentional, he still did it) with "you were both born to be kings but only one of you can rule" being the general tone of their upbringing. He's not held accountable for his favoritism toward Thor.

Frigga is not held accountable for deferring to Odin both in supporting the above things and in keeping the truth of Loki's origins a secret while doing nothing to discourage the "monsters" narrative.

Thor is not held accountable for his own tendency of taking Loki for granted (he assumes Loki will come to Jotunheim, he oversteps Loki constantly, “know your place,” etc.. He grants his implicit permission for Loki to be treated as the sidewalk friend in their “group,” a group which is loyal to and takes their cues from Thor as Thor continues to do nothing in his brother's defense).

[Note: Wanting Thor to be held accountable for things he's done wrong isn't vilifying him. Acknowledging that Thor benefited from Odin's favoritism and his own place as Crown Prince doesn't negate Thor also being raised in an abusive environment. I don't think anyone's saying that or, if they have, it's not something I agree with.]

Furthermore,

Odin is not held accountable for his cruelty in disowning Loki (”your birthright was to die” is never going to be forgotten, speaking of people saying things that can't be unsaid or taken back) and in sentencing Loki to a severe prison sentence (life! only bc Frigga wouldn't let him execute Loki) for crimes that are no worse than what Odin himself has committed (around which the entire plot of Ragnarok revolves! Colonialism (and subjugation) is wrong is, like, a major theme [that people rush to praise, even] here).

Thor is also never held accountable for not trying harder to understand what made Loki snap (fair enough, he didn't have a ton of time after returning from Earth, but certainly he had lots of time to sit around reflecting while Loki was being tortured by Thanos for a year). He knows Loki is "not himself" and "beyond reason" and accepts it at face value; he questions it once and then lets it go. He's fine with assuming Loki's just lost his mind, and isn't that a shame. (I realize I'm simplifying Thor's emotions but my point is that Thor could've tried harder to figure out that Loki was being influenced and/or not acting completely autonomously.)

Thor is also never held accountable for - if not facing consequences for his own slaughter of Jotuns - then at least addressing why Loki can't kill an entire race even though Thor tried to do that, like, two days ago. (Granted, it’s difficult to understand how Thor got from Point A ("let's finish them together, Father!") to Point B (this is wrong!), but that failing belongs to Thor 1 (which is not, by the way, a perfect movie).

The interpretation that Loki is fully redeemed because he took responsibility for his actions, returned to Asgard, and allied himself with Thor to save their people is all well and good - but, why is Loki the only one here who has to take responsibility for their actions?

What about all the loose threads in his story?

For example, how did he get from:

Point A (believing himself a literal monster, having a complete mental breakdown, getting tortured and further traumatized after that, etc)

Point B (Hey, yknow what would be fun? I'm going to write and direct a play about how I heroically died to save Thor and Jane, and I'll go ahead and have Odin say he accepts me and has always loved me. I'm going to do these things because Odin never said this in real life and instead of acknowledging my sacrifice, Thor left my body in the dirt, so someone has to validate what I've done right and that someone might as well be me. And hey, while I'm at it, I'm going to control the narrative on revealing myself as Jotun to Asgard, instead of living in fear of it being found out, and I'm going to do it in a way that they have to sympathize with me and revere me in death, bc they never bothered to do so when I was alive. And Matt Damon should play me, also.)

Point C (Yeah, I guess I feel kinda awkward about that whole tantrum thing, also I should help Thor and support him being king.)

The answers to these questions are handwaved and the audience takes that to mean they don't matter. Furthermore, framing Loki's redemption around an act of service (more or less) to Thor makes Loki's redemption about Thor. Does Loki make this decision for the sake of Thor and of Asgard, or does he make it for himself? It's not super clear to me, and I think arguments can be made for both. Which, again, is fine, but - whatever.

If we're going to collectively agree, as a fandom, that Loki is complex, that he's morally gray, that he's worthy of redemption and therefore arguably a good person who's done bad things, then why is it asking too much to have it acknowledged that Thor (also a good person who's done bad things) played a part in Loki's downfall and has shit to apologize for, too? Bc one can only assume the reason is that you're taking a very gray concept and making it black and white by saying Loki has to apologize and make amends because he is the villain, and Thor doesn't because he is the hero (and it's his movie). And it's lazy.

This is where the crux of the issue lands. There's more than one valid interpretation, yes. And no two people (or groups of people, or whatever) are going to consume and therefore interpret or analyze the source material in the same way. I think I saw a post recently about how studies have been done on this, in fact. But, there is a lot going on under the surface that tends to get overlooked when exploring Loki's redemption arc in Ragnarok, as far as I can see, and that’s why I don’t consider it satisfactory.

[I did read similar arguments regarding other issues that are often debated ('debated'), like Loki's magic and/or being underpowered, whether or not Loki's betrayal of Thor was the natural outcome of the situation on Sakaar or not, whether Thor actually gets closure with Odin [if he does, how does he reconcile the father he's idolized with the imperialistic conqueror he's discovered? Why doesn't he hold Odin responsible for covering up Hela's existence and the threat of her return, especially as he knew he was nearing the end of his life? Is Thor's "I'm not as strong as you" meant to imply that he acknowledges those shortcomings of Odin's and that he's okay with them, or that he's just overlooking them, or is he not okay with them but didn't have the chance to get into it bc he was in the middle of battle? T'Challa confronted his father on his wrongdoings in Black Panther; could Thor not have had at least one line that was confrontational enough to establish where he stands as opposed to this gray middle? Can someone explain to me how any of this equates to Thor gaining closure? Please?) but obviously I'm not going to go into all of them (well, I tried not to), bc this mammoth post has gone on long enough (I may not even post this tbh)]

- but my overall point to this entire thing is that when I say I'm critical of Ragnarok bc it's flawed, that Loki's arc was neither complete nor satisfactory, that many things went unaddressed and, due to all of these things, I do not think Ragnarok is a very good movie nor a very cohesive movie, this is where I'm coming from. I have not seen anything to change my mind to the contrary.

But I am not saying that anyone satisfied with it is wrong, or shouldn't have the interpretation that they do. I'm not vilifying Thor in order to lift Loki up, just acknowledging that Thor is arguably just as flawed as Loki without the stigma of being Designated Villain. I think a lot of these arguments get overlooked or dismissed, and that's fine, but it doesn't make the people who do engage with them hateful, or bitter, or trying to excuse Loki's crimes, or feeling like redemption means that Loki's crimes should be erased rather than reconciled.

And sure, yes, perhaps we are expecting too much and exploring all of these themes (or wanting them explored) means that somehow we think it should be Loki's movie (we don't). Loki is a supporting character, but he's still a character. And the movie itself doesn't have to delve into all these things - no one's saying that. (At least, I'm not.) We just want acknowledgement, from the narrative, that this stuff was an Issue.

This could have been accomplished with -

Some dialogue closer to the novelization (and original script), like Thor and Loki both acknowledging the harm they've done one another and their kingdom due to their Feels.

A single line of Thor confronting Odin, or even asking "Why?"

A narrative acknowledgement that Odin did both Thor and Loki dirty (”I love you, my sons” isn't an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge either that there's been wrong-doing or express regret for having done the wrong in the first place).

A little bit more nuance in the way Loki treats his own past (ie, instead of flippantly telling the story of his suicide attempt, maybe - if it must be flippant - talk about getting blasted in the face with Hawkeye's arrow or sailing through to Svartalfheim [And in that moment, I sang ta-daaaa!]) or whatever.

I recognize that wanting full, in-depth exploration on all of these issues regarding a supporting character is probably too much to ask or expect - but, I also feel like, if you're going to be professionally writing a narrative (or rewriting/improvising, as it were), it's not too much to ask that a little more care be taken in regards to all of the layers that have contributed to said supporting character's downfall and subsequent redemption arc. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want.

And maybe if there had been more nuance and continuity in how these things were portrayed on screen (ie, if TW had actually done as good a job as his stans think he did), the fandom wouldn't have divided and conquered itself over which "version" of the same character is more valid and whether or not the film did its best to close out a trilogy (not start a new one), to the point where everyone in this fandom space makes navigating it feel like walking through a minefield.

But, I mean

(Again, please don’t reblog if possible.)

Edit: Okay to reblog. <3

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here-there-everyfuckenwhere · 3 years ago

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the umbrella academy for the fandom ask game!

Oh great suggestion!!

Favourite female character: idk how popular this opinion is but honestly my favourite character is Grace. I just feel like she’s so misunderstood, and she’s so much more than “robot mom” or “robot wife”. I loved seeing the human version of her in season 2, and I hope we get more backstory about her and Reginald and why he recreated her as a robot; was he preserving her life? did he loose her somehow and built the robot version as a way of keeping her in his life? What actually lead to him building her? She’s definitely a character I want to see more of in season 3

Favourite male character: KLAUS! ABSOLUTELY! I am a Klaus Hargreaves stan first and a human being second tbh.

Favourite season: season 2 definitely. I feel like season 1 was great, but a lot of it is just explaining and introducing things (obviously, because there is a LOT to this show..) and it often feels a lot slower-paced, whereas season 2 is a lot more eventful. I’m also just a huge fan of the whole “modern people get stuck in some sort of time period that they do NOT belong in” trope.

Favourite episode: this is actually really tough.. probably s02ep07 Oga for Oga. One of my favourite scenes from the entire show is when they’re sitting down to dinner with their father around the table, trying to explain what their powers are. I just feel like it sums up each of the siblings up so perfectly, and we also get to see those Classic Sibling Antics™ (“I heard a rumour you punched yourself in the face :))))))))” ect ect). Also the scene when Luther and Diego are calling Olga Forolga because they are useless himbos is comedic gold 10/10

Favourite cast member: THIS IS LITERALLY SO HARD OML! I mean I absolutely love Elliot Page because he’s just so adorable and wholesome. Robert Sheehan is hilarious and I have pretty much seen every single interview he has ever done because he is so entertaining to me. But, as a diehard (secret) theatre kid and Hamilton fan, I think I'm gonna have to go with Emmy Raver-Lampman because she is an absolute queen and that’s that on that

Favourite ship: KLAUS AND DAVE! They are my absolute OTP I live for these two! I also loved seeing Allison and her husband in season 2, as well as Hazel and Agnes in season 1, but Klaus and Dave will forever and always be my OTP

A character I’d die defending: Hazel!!! Yes I know he is a murderer and he has committed several (hundred) atrocities but have you considered perhaps that I love him?

Character I just can’t sympathise with: The Handler. Ugh. I mean, she’s an extremely compelling villain and I really appreciate the character for that but god she is absolutely evil. She’s always working at some sort of angle, and I really thought that in season 2 she was going to get more of a redemption arc when we learnt that Lila was actually her daughter, but it turns out she was just using her all along as some sort of weapon and I just immediately lost my ability to sympathise with her all together..

A character I grew to love: this might not be a popular opinion, but Luther reeeeally grew on me in season 2. Idk what it was, he was such a pain in the ass in season 1 and I really didn’t like him, but in season 2 he was actually really funny and charming and I totally love the scene where he sees Vanya again for the first time.

My anti OTP: well obviously my least favourite ship in the entire show is Luther/Allison. “bUt ThEy’Re nOt TeChniCaLLy reLAteD!1!!” uhm yes they are? They were literally raised as brother and sister that’s nasty as hell??? So they’re my least favourite, but I also dislike (and, yes, I know im gonna get an insane amount of hate for this but it has to be said) Vanya and Sissy. I just feel like Sissy is an annoying character, and the only reason she even exists is for the “make Vanya gay” fan service. I also get the feeling that she’s sorta manipulative and is sorta using Vanya and taking advantage of her kindness (the whole “you can literally never leave the house I need you to raise my kid for me, random stranger I barely know” thing) but hey that’s just me. People can ship what they want to ship.

Ask game!

#ray rants and junk #the umbrella academy #tua #gerard way #umbrella academy #netflix #emmy raver lampman #robert sheehan #elliot page #klaus hargreeves #klaus/dave #allison hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #luther hargreeves

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choicesenthusiast · 4 years ago

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alright folks i wrote an essay

I never really could properly articulate what about relationships the romance books make me so uncomfortable without sounding whiny and ignorant until now. Y’know, this is probably why I enjoy fantasy/adventure stories more; not just in Choices, but in real life too. There’s a lot under the cut so keep reading only if you want to. These are my personal opinions and criticisms so ummm... don’t be butthurt I guess?

In the past 3 romance books, our first perception of the LIs are that they are sexually attractive. We hook up with Cassian and Professor Kingsley (still a gross relationship). We have a wet dream about Sam. After, that’s all their relationships are hanging off of. Sexual attraction. And I’m not saying that sexual attraction is a bad thing, but trying to form actual relationships based off of sex only with no emotional substance is... not the most ideal. When telling a story, you not only want the characters to feel for each other, but for the readers to feel for them as well.

We never really learn much about Cassian (at least I didn’t, because everything’s paywalled in Witness. This is why important character background shouldn’t be fucking paywalled!!). Hell, we don’t even know anything about MC except that she’s a whiny bitch. They just love fucking on every surface available. The reader can’t emotionally attach, nor care for either of these characters.

Sam’s relationship is a little more excusable. I’m not really bothered by that as much as the others. They’ve been spending time together. Sam opens up to MC about the company, and the twins, and all that. They’ve allowed for the relationship to grow past the physical attraction, despite all the +Desire popping up every time MC licks a popsicle or some shit.

PB keeps shoving MC onto Kingsley, even after they’ve literally written that the Professor is uncomfortable with the situation. As of right now, it seems MC only wants to bag the Prof for the clout. It’s only been 4 chapters, but there still isn’t any reason for readers to be invested in this relationship yet.

In books such as BOLAS, you’re placed in situations with the LIs in which you’re prompted to open up. Surviving a life and death situation makes people extremely vulnerable. In Blades, you get to know about these characters. You learn to care about them. So in the end, the sex is 100% more gratifying. Witness could’ve pulled this off, but failed miserably. MC could love the sex because it’s what she’s good at. She feels safe and comfortable in that situation. She wants to feel safe with Cassian, because ummm she just witnessed a fucking murder?? They could’ve made her open up about the trauma, or the commitment issues. But nooo. Also, having sex every chapter makes it less “special”, I guess? Sex in Choices is usually used as that final gratifying step in each relationship, so having it in every chapter doesn’t make it as impactful as it maybe should be? IDK. Maybe that’s just me.

I think that OH1 did the whole “sexual tension” thing well with Ethan. That’s why people were drawn to him. He allows himself opens up to you, even sharing about his burden with Naveen, which he has never shared to anyone before. However, the restrictions of being not only a boss, but a good mentor, stand in the way of their full relationship. This is kinda similar to Sam’s situation in TNA, but the difference between Sam and Ethan is that Sam is so riled up for MC right away that we never really see the “restraint” part of what we got with Ethan. That sex scene with Ethan was like a whole climactic release (pun definitely intended) to their tension. I would’ve enjoyed more of the restraint from Sam themselves, instead of being cockblocked by everyone when they’re about to do it. Every time. Cause you know they would’ve kept going if people didn’t interrupt. Ethan makes a conscious choice to avoid a relationship with MC. Sam doesn’t.

Not to mention, there’s the whole “1 LI book” thing. I’m still not a fan of this, especially coming from an app called Choices. Having 1 LI eliminates the... well, the choices. Big surprise there. And even though PB has been incredibly biased and unfair towards the screen time each LI gets, some books still have their moments. Mother of the Year handled each LI well. Platinum had awesome minor characters. Giving MC some time away from the LI makes us more appreciative of the time we do have with them. Forcing MC and Kingsley makes us want less of them. Life is a contradiction. Humans always want what they don’t have, and vice versa. So constantly sitting us with the only LI makes us want to spend less time with them.

Finally, plot. I know PB hasn’t really marketed these books with much plot, but come on. They’re interesting concepts. You’ve witnessed a murder. You’re trying to weasel your way to the top of a classist university social hierarchy thingamabob. TNA actually gives us the nannying and the affairing, exactly what they promised, so I don’t really know what to say about that one... but whatever. Witness is literally just PWP. And y’all are on Tumblr, so I know y’all know what PWP means. A good story still needs a good plot, so sacrificing plot for a romance is never a good idea (in terms of storytelling). Personally, I like having characters grow together from their experiences rather than have them so stagnant in their relationship just for some good sex. Though sex is always a good bonus.

In conclusion, perhaps I know how to write a good story? Or at least a good character dynamic, whether it be romantic or not?? I don’t really know how to dispute this claim... I am deteriorating here in quarantine, so writing not-essays about pixelated romance is the best I can do to entertain myself. Anyways, I really hope you agree with me in one way or another.

#playchoices #choices stories you play #queen b #the nanny affair #witness a bodyguard romance #blades of light and shadow #open heart #distant shores

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imaginedcreaderinsert · 5 years ago

Text

Shivering gold — Jason Todd x Reader (S!)

SUMMARY: Camera turns on. It’s been some time, but the couple is back - and they are as explicit as ever, together. There’s clearly a connection, passion between the two. What is that pink vibrating thing he is carrying, by the way?

WORD COUNT: 2204

TW: Explicit smut/lemon scenes. No one is underaged. Webcam live show/webcam use. IDK, it’s what in AO3 the connosseurs would call “PLOT WHAT PLOT/PORN WITHOUT PLOT” but that’s just me I guess. I, uh, had to do a bit of research on some +18 websites. ENJOY I GUESS.

Camera turns on. It’s only been three seconds, and the first visible shot is her core. She is clearly open and well-lubricated. Both of her legs are open – this time she doesn’t wear any binds, she is completely free. It is rare; not unwelcomed, just rare. She is only covered by two thigh high pieces of lingerie, black, that make her legs sexier. Though she naturally has a sexy essence involving her.

The couple does this casually. No one really knows when they really started; the videos were quite homemade at its start, not of very good quality, but there was passion and clearly a connection. He roughly got her by her throat the first time they uploaded a video; it was hot, to say the least. He fucked her against the walls of the bathroom, and her legs trembled and were done for by the time he finished. She adored him. Anyone could see that just by looking at the desperation she searched his lips with.

They never showed their faces, but that was fine; he had a body sculpted by the gods, and she was just like every dream wet anyone has ever had once in their life. Her skin is slightly dark, which perfectly contrasts with his, the whiteness and scars of it. She’s rounder in comparison: thick thigs but a small and tight waist. Perky nipples that could drive anyone crazy. But her butt is the best: is not small, by any means, and that’s perfect. Every time she bounces on him, every time he slaps her: it makes the public go wild.

Lives are not very common, but they’ve been some months without publishing anything, so it seems they thought it appropriate. The thing is that they are not doing it for money; entrance prices for the live are pretty low, and that’s why the manage to have such a strong fanbase and public, so many tips in the show.

The camera is static, and the shot is focusing on her gleaming pussy. They have been at it for a while, people presume; it’s quite obvious by the trembling of her thighs, and she’s moaning from time to time: it’s soft, needy. Hers are like little meowls, but not childlike; it is entrancing, charming, to have her submitted in bed like that, without anything to keep her from moving. Pure obedience.

“She is close, can you see her?” He starts. He laughs, almost cruelly; there’s a lot of emojis that corroborate that in the live chat. Everyone is greeting them for being back as well. Some people have specially miss them. “(Y/N) said she’s so close she only needs what, baby? Ten seconds?”. He asks, again with a smirk, the most he’s shown in a long time. Like knowing she’s been asked, her legs tremble, she tries to reincorporate herself a bit, which he doesn’t let her do.

“Not much more”. Her voice is soft, submissive and trembles at the end. She seems out of breath. It makes everyone wonder what have they’ve been playing at before.

“Not much more than ten seconds. You must be extremely close”. His hand caresses the interior of her thigh, but it’s too far from her core, doesn’t even get close to her labia, glistening and slightly moving, asking for something to enter. It’s tempting. She cries as he touches her finally, spreads some more lube on her core, but after retracts. There’s a laugh.

“Well, we got this new toy that I’d like to try out. It’s vibrator, sent to us”. He shows; his hand carries a pink toy, in the form of a half moon. A lot of people have never seen it, from the comments on the chat, but it has a button in the middle of the center, and the two rounded extremes seem to be the most interesting part. “Should we try it?”

“Yes”. She begs, moving her butt on the sheets a tiny bit. You can almost feel the frown in his voice:

“Yes…?”

“Yes please!”. She finally says, like realizing it after a few seconds in silence, maybe too out of it. People find her cute, her thigs trembling for wanting it so badly, as the toy gets closer to her core.

“Yes please. That’s a good girl.”. He praises her, both arms caressing the interior of her thighs, moving closer. It’s like he’s warming her up. “Oh, that’s very quiet. I wonder if it has more settings”.

He tries it in front of the camera, close enough so that it can focus on it and see the little vibrations of it. They’ve invested in new material and you can tell: everyone can see the small motions of the toy as it vibrates, imperceptible as they may seem. He finally, with a laugh, takes the toy and places it on the left side of one of her thighs, making a path to her core; her stomach tremble in anticipation, her legs attempting to close: and just when he’s grazing the clitoris, he pushes again the button: it stills.

“It’s pulsing isn’t it? Oh, no, wait. That’s nothing”. The pulsing had been done before, on her thighs. The frustration is clear on her voice, as she attempts to say something but she’s shushed by him. “Should we go for this setting?”

“No! No, I don’t want the nothing setting!”. It’s a bit of a tantrum, really, with some cute giggles mixed. Giving in a bit, he pushes the button again: and this time, the two extremes touch her clitoris, making her melt into profanities and shivers in her voice.

“Like that? Let’s see”. It’s like an experiment – the results are instant, but he’s attempting to see what makes her shout. “Is that good, baby?”

She can’t answer. Not verbally at least. She moans something, maybe his name, before she gets shushed: it’s the closest she’s been to say something coherent, and the public is expectant, as her stomach begins to tremble. Her moans are shushed, probably by his hand – she fights back and attempts to get him off. It’s always entertaining the way she tries to gets rid off him and she always loses in the end. His tone does really get serious:

“That’s more than ten seconds. Want to try another-?”

“No! No! Please!”. She begs, one of her hands appearing on camera, attempting to take his hand and stop him.

“No hands, baby.” He says, and she immediately knows to retract, not attempt, as wet as she is and probably desperate.

Her moans get higher, every gasp shorter than the last one; she is breathless and trembling. Thighs are still apart, but it seems like it’s taking her the effort to do so. Is she close? Her right thigh always moves a bit more than the other one before finally cumming. And well, he always knows best. There are a lot of tips followed by suggestions of things he could do But he always knows bests.

“Oh! Oh I’m-!”

“Are you cumming?”

“Y-Yes, oh my G-!”

“Then come for me, baby”.

It’s taken her less than usual, but her shouts are real as they start to increase. She changes from that cute and small voice to a deeper one, filling the room with inevitable sex sounds, a really high gasping as she closes her legs and what’s more, some squirting – she attempts to close her legs, make it stop, but his hands forcefully keep her open. And that’s the thing always when she wears no binds to stop her legs from closing. They discovered it by accident, apparently; on another one of her lives, and the toy seems to do wonderfully stimulating her to the brink and a little bit more. A gasp no one has ever heard before, gets out of her mouth, like she’s been killed, and she moves against the bed, trying to hide, almost. She has cummed, and it’s wonderful to see: the ending of the bed, where she bas been lying is covered in some of her fluids, and it can be heard in the back he touching himself, as the toy makes wonder sitting on her clitoris, almost attached there as she fights it, overstimulated at some point, given her shouts and movement in the bed.

He makes it stop, but she doesn’t stop trembling – maybe cumming? Her stomach rises up and down quickly. She is breathless, done for; and still he demands a bit more, his hand caressing her wet lips and open entrance: anything could enter her as of now. She’s completely open and fully lubricated, drenching the sheets. It hurts as she caresses her clit over, and she moves her hips, like he burns: but he does so anyways, and she gasps, thighs slowly opening and letting him do as he pleases.

“God, you are beautiful when you are all sensitive like this. I could blow your little cute pussy, and you would cum all over my mouth, like a little fountain.”

Dirty talk gets her. Always. She’s weak for praises, and anyone can tell by the way her legs are more lenient on opening for him, slowly, bit by bit. It’s like a flower: the more care one gives her, the easier it is to give her love after. Viewers can only see the back of his head as he gets into the shot, kneeling down into her pussy. He kisses her thighs and slowly enters her core, asking for permission as she trembles, asking him to wait with her hand before he dives in. It’s torturous, but it’s loving – he waits as she comes down from her high and is slowly prepared to accept something else into her.

“All wet down here, baby girl. I could slide three fingers in, you know? You can only take two, but you could take three now. So sexy, so open, so good for me. Can I drink you in? You can squish my head if you need to as I make you cum again, baby girl. I know how sensitive you get, and I’m planning on giving you two more fantastical orgasms. The bests, only for you, (Y/N)-“. This time it’s her the one that has to lunch into his lips and cut him off before he can say more than the first letter of your name. They both shyly laugh before kissing, and laying on the bed again.

He kisses her labia, then her clit. His tongue searches for her entrance, but he thoroughly prepares her clitoris, almost assuring it that only pleasure will be received. A thumb stays near it, and she trembles in anticipation. ‘This is how you eat her out’, he seems to say as he starts, his tongue getting into her cavity and shivering almost immediately. One of her hands moves to his hair and he concedes: she doesn’t guide him out in any moment, but it gives her a sense of control she could get off on.

All of her interiors are drenched, thus making the movement easier. He drinks her in like it’s water, and gulps notoriously, as if making it clear. The laps of his tongue are like those of a dog as he cleans her so that it doesn’t drench more the sheets. It leaves an uncomfortable sensation after, she’s told him before. His thumb slowly starts to rub her off as her hips get off the cloth, her nails start to dig into the duvet.

“Oh, fuck-J. Fuck-J!”. She can’t help but say, quickly, almost babbling. He hopes the viewers really buy that, because he’s not stopping now that he has found what makes her fall. She desperately tries to dig her nails into his hair, the duvet, but nothing lasts too long. She’s too restless. “It is! I am!”. Clear indications as her right leg starts to move to the side, her hips start to try and get up. “Help me! Let me!”. She begs, chants, she’s getting closer and he doesn’t stop.

“Cum on my mouth, baby”. He is clear as he slurps her in, drinks it all as she squirts in his mouth. She trembles, shivers and shouts as she gets off her high. He feels incredibly painful, but it’s not about him at that point. It’s all about giving her pleasure, putting himself aside and making sure his girlfriend can’t coherently think.

He manages to do that as she collapses on the bed, chest going up and down. Tips and clamors of the viewers said, he really thinks that if he fucks her, she might die. Not because of his really big ego, but rather because she was a bit tired before starting. She definitively has used of all of her energy in the last rounds. She can’t even get up on the bed. And as hard as he is, he can relief that later, in private: now it’s all about getting her rested. He says goodbye, closes the show and opens the bed. Slowly gets her cleaned with a cloth, manages to take her to their “real” bed, untouched and cleaned, and tucks her in. He whispers “I love you” as she smiles against his chest and slowly drifts away into Morpheus.

#jason todd #jason todd dcu #dcu #jason todd fanfic #jason todd smut #jason todd x reader #reader insert #reader insert dcu #reader dcu #smut

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panharmonium · 5 years ago

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a face like a wounded bear (i’ve just got a few things on my mind, that’s all)

back on my merlin rewatch rambles this week. i’m finishing up S1 now and just putting down some notes here for myself about 1.11 - specifically, how it ties back to/is informed by 1.10, because this is something that’s been on my mind for a long time.

these got a bit long so feel free to scroll past if this isn’t your cup of tea!

standard disclaimer for people who don’t know me and might stumble across this: i got into this show late and i have not finished season 5. i am GOING to finish season 5, hence this rewatch. so far i have remained unspoiled for the end of this show; i super appreciate everybody helping me stay that way. you have my permission to laugh at me for being ten years late to this show in the first place and also for taking a geological age to finish the last four episodes. i understand and fully support you in this; in my defense, i have been using the break to write fic, so i hope all can be forgiven in the end X)

with that out of the way, some thoughts!

i. a wounded bear

i really appreciate how much angrier merlin suddenly is at everything once we hit ‘the labyrinth of gedref.’

he’s still trying to help solve arthur’s problems, and he’s still rooting for arthur to succeed, but he’s also snappy and irritable and getting lost staring out windows, and his patience level with arthur in particular is set to absolute zero. it’s not a catastrophic change - it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like arthur anymore or that he doesn’t still respect arthur for what arthur...could be, and for what he is, at moments; merlin obviously still deeply admires him for caring so much about the people of camelot and he obviously still believes that arthur is noble at heart and worth supporting. but he’s simultaneously sick and tired of arthur’s particular brand of princely BS, and in this episode it’s starting to show.

before this episode, merlin used to tolerate arthur’s dumbassery with a kind of...willingness to be amused as opposed to annoyed. arthur would go into his “insult merlin” routine or say something only a rich idiot would say and merlin would just laugh it off, or quip it away, or roll his eyes and get on with his day. he was kind of…gently entertained by the people he had to serve. he was having a little adventure right then, you know? and the nobles, arthur included, were colorful characters in this story he’d walked into. if they were occasionally insufferable, well, at least they were good for a laugh.

for example, that episode where arthur keeps asking merlin to cover for him so he can go have his little dates with sophia? merlin winds up in the stocks for it three times in a row, but the first time, he just shrugs it off with his typical cheery equanimity and wryly says, “i forgot how much fun this was!” and then when arthur asks him to cover for him a second time, merlin is just psyched that arthur is having such a good time with sophia, and he immediately agrees to do it, saying, “don’t worry, i’ll find a way to get you out of it!” and then he’s back in the stocks, but when he comes out of them, gaius is more annoyed at arthur than merlin is. and then after arthur runs off to “elope” with sophia, and merlin ends up in the stocks a THIRD time, it’s just the funny zinger at the end of the episode. he’s not upset about it. it’s just like, “meh! here i am again! classic merlin misadventure, what can you do? :)”

there is no chance that would fly in the back quarter of S1. none. zero.

merlin is completely fed up in 1.11. starting with the hunting party’s slaughter of the unicorn, and then branching out to other, smaller things - every dismissive thing arthur says to him, every time arthur ignores or denies the reality of their situation and tries to pin responsibility for camelot’s misfortune on sorcery rather than his own actions, every time arthur makes stupid comments like ‘merlin you’re less intelligent than a rat’ - in this episode, merlin doesn’t roll with those things. he snaps back, or raises his voice; he refuses to be talked over, he bites back “i’m THIRSTY” when arthur tells him to stop smacking his lips in the granary.

in another episode, that stuff might have been delivered in a jokey way - and it will be again, some day in the future, when they’re both back to having fun with it - but merlin’s not having fun with it in 1.11. he’s giving arthur challenging stares and resentful glares instead of friendly, this-is-just-how-we-tease-each-other looks. his tone isn’t amused or fondly exasperated, it’s frustrated or irritated or, sometimes, straight-up angry.

there’s a point in one of their arguments where merlin says he believes what anhora is saying, and arthur’s cold response is, “then you’re a fool. you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says. you’d do well to remember that.”

and merlin gives him the most baleful glare. like he wants to just...strangle him with his eyes. like he has so many cutting things just sitting on the tip of his tongue and can’t decide which one he wishes he could say first.

ii. a few things on my mind

this, i think, is where it’s worth remembering that this episode takes place in a larger context than ‘arthur did a dumbass thing at the beginning of the episode and merlin’s upset about it.’

because merlin definitely is upset about the unicorn, but merlin’s also just upset, full stop, about things that have nothing to do with the unicorn or camelot’s curse or camelot to begin with, and it’s bleeding over into other areas of his life.

to clarify: i don’t think we can really understand merlin’s subtle attitude shift in 1.11 without understanding that 1.11 takes place immediately after 1.10.

1.11 is one of two S1 episodes whose positions in the timeline we can actually pinpoint relative to their neighbors (the first being 1.02, which is directly stated to take place on merlin’s “first day as arthur’s servant,” aka the day after 1.01). 1.11 likewise can be mapped accurately onto the timeline, because kanen comes thundering into ealdor bellowing “it’s harvest time!” in 1.10, and then in 1.11 camelot is bringing in their harvest, too (literally, gaius yells at the end, “they’re bringing in the harvest!”).

there’s really not any wiggle room there. the harvest season is only so many weeks long to begin with, and we know ealdor was pretty far along with their work in 1.10 - we see the evidence of their labor, and if the grain hadn’t already been harvested, kanen’s group wouldn’t have had anything to steal. ealdor is smaller, so it makes sense for them to finish faster than camelot, but it looks like camelot is just getting started in 1.11, given the state of their grain reserves and the fact that so much grain appears to be unharvested when the blight hits. and, that being the case, honestly, camelot had to have started like, immediately after 1.10 finished, or even while that arc was still going on. it’s already pushing the boundaries of disbelief that they wouldn’t have started by the time ealdor has gotten so much done. there’s no plausible way they could have waited any longer. harvest season is the same for everyone; it’s not some kind of rotating schedule. people only have about a month to get it done in the first place.

so these two episodes occur, at the absolute most, a couple weeks apart from one another, and that’s only by the most generous of estimates; it’s more likely that they’re closer together than that, given the information above. but honestly, it doesn’t matter whether it’s two weeks or two days - either way, merlin in 1.11 has something going on in his head that’s extremely recent and taking up kind of a lot of his energy.

i don’t know that this angle gets looked at often, because the understandable tendency is to mostly focus on merlin in relation to arthur, and this becomes especially true in episodes that contain arthur+merlin umm...idk, focus scenes like the one near the end of 1.11. but this is the angle that’s always on my mind when i watch the end of S1, because if there is one hill i’ve staked out for the digging of my future grave, it’s the following:

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.

this probably qualifies as an unpopular fandom opinion, but it’s something i absolutely refuse to budge on.

and of course it’s just my own read, obviously; you may have more fun coming at this episode from a different direction, and that’s totally cool! but for me, my understanding when i’m watching this season - merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon. especially not yet, especially not now, when merlin has only known arthur for a few months and he’s just coming back from being with people who have known him (and i mean known him, known everything, known him for real) for something like twenty years.

merlin’s life does NOT revolve around arthur pendragon. his relationship with arthur, at this point, is not the most important relationship in his life. arthur is not the best friend he’s ever had. arthur is barely merlin’s friend at all, right now. arthur likes him all right, yes, and merlin likes him back, most of the time, but arthur doesn’t even know him, really.

arthur doesn’t know.

and i love arthur and merlin, like - i’m as down for the mythic, destiny-laden, we-find-each-other-in-every-universe dimension of their dynamic as anybody, and when those two finally have an equal, healthy friendship going on, i’m going to be cheering for them. but it doesn’t change the fact that merlin had a life before he came to camelot, or the fact that by 1.11 he’s only been in camelot for a few months and doesn’t really know arthur all that well yet.

you can pick whatever example you want to illustrate this point; there are enough of them to choose from, but one of the clearest is in 1.11, when arthur passes his final test and drinks anhora’s fake poison. merlin thinks arthur is dead, at that point - he’s pretty well convinced that the poison was real and that arthur has just keeled over dead on the beach - but his reaction to arthur’s ‘death’ is....i don’t want to minimize it, exactly, because merlin's obviously upset about it, but at the same time the level of distress he displays is visibly, objectively different from what we see from him in other contexts. it looks nothing like his naked grief when will is slipping away from him in 1.10, or his desperation when his mother shows up deathly ill on his doorstep in 1.13. he doesn’t look at potentiallydead!arthur the same way, or talk to him the same way, or touch him the same way - of course he hustles right over and shakes him to see if he can wake him up, but it is just...you can watch these scenes next to each other and they are just not the same. it is not the same gentle way he leans over his mother, the way he takes her hand, strokes her forehead, folds gaius’ rabbit’s foot into her fingers. it is not the same way he cradles will in 1.10, when his fingers are in will’s hair and his hand is just - reflexively rubbing will’s head in a way that is just so...intimate and automatic and brokenly tender like -

of course it’s different with them! he loves them! watching them suffer is torture for him, and the idea of losing either of them is devastating to him on a scale i can’t possibly understand. he’s only ever had two people in his life. one parent. one friend. they were his whole world.

so, yeah, merlin is stressed about arthur’s apparent death. he’s upset. he likes arthur, he believes in arthur, he’s appalled that this is happening. but it’s not a personal grief. there aren’t any deathbed confessions. there aren’t any gentle touches. there aren’t any tears. his protest to anhora isn’t ‘i love this person and i don’t want them to leave me;’ it’s ‘i was meant to protect him!’ it’s about him failing at his “destiny;” it’s about the fact that someone told him he was born like this for a reason and now he’s failed at the job that gave him a sense of purpose, at the thing that made him feel like having magic was worth all this terrible trouble.

contrast this to when his mother shows up dying in 1.13, and gaius tries to prevent merlin from saving her by bringing up the importance of merlin’s “destiny.” on that occasion, merlin’s immediate incredulous retort is, “my destiny? this is my mother.”

arthur’s death and merlin’s distress over it all come back to merlin’s unfulfilled destiny, in 1.11. but merlin couldn’t care less about his destiny when it’s his mother’s life on the line. my destiny means nothing if i cannot save her.

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon. not here, not now.

[that said - it’s different, of course, later in the series. merlin’s reaction to arthur’s supposed death in 5.07 isn’t just “oh no i failed!”, it’s also a personal, particular anguish. they matter to each other, by then. (though even then i think there’s a lot to be said about the…unhealthy tragedy of merlin giving up on his own wants and needs and worth as a person who exists outside the context of this narrow mandate to protect someone who doesn’t know who merlin really is and wouldn’t love him if he did - but that’s just the situation merlin’s trapped himself in, by that point. it’s what he’s accepted for himself. it’s all he thinks he deserves.)]

[that’s a post for another day, though, so. back to the point.]

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon. merlin had a life all his own before he came to camelot, and during the last quarter of season 1, every part of it that matters to him is falling apart.

i keep coming back to this, every time i think about this kid. there’s just no way to overstate the fact that merlin’s world up until this point has always been just two people. his whole life has been just two people. his whole life has been just one parent. his whole life has been just one friend.

and after 1.10, his one friend is dead.

i think we dramatically underestimate the impact of merlin having half of his world obliterated, just like that.

that’s not something he gets up and strolls away from. he can’t roll with that punch. he carries that for the rest of his life.

you know what i mean? it would be a disastrous enough thing on its own, without even getting into the fact that it unfolds in a way that is SO complicated and tied up with messy personal history and regret/guilt that it needs to be parsed in an essay of its own (which, yes, i might already have half-written; yes, i have too much extra time on my hands this month.) we’re also not getting into the fact that like - okay, the sort of grimly positive flip side to only having two significant relationships in your life is that you’ve also never personally experienced any significant bereavement. you don’t have any extended family to mourn, no friends to lose, et cetera. so to have your first experience with loss be something so huge, when you’ve had no practice dealing with grief, and to be trapped in a place where you aren’t allowed to discuss it honestly because if you told somebody what it all really meant you’d be executed?

i’d be in a bad mood, too.

merlin is such a good kid and he tries so hard to have a smile for everyone, but i can’t watch the last quarter of S1 without seeing the strain of this weighing on him. it affects how he reacts to the situation with gwen’s father in 1.12 (more on that another time), and it absolutely plays into the fact that he spends the season finale racing from one side of the kingdom to the other, desperate to sacrifice his life for someone else’s.

^^ regarding that last bit - i think about that a lot. merlin tries to die three separate times over the last three episodes of S1, and it’s not that he’s...running around trying to get someone to kill him, exactly, but there’s definitely a very real sense that he’s dumped any interest in self-preservation, at this point, that he doesn’t care what happens to him. if dying is what it takes to make sure nobody else is taken away from him, then that’s fine. he will do literally anything to not feel this again.

merlin is trying to process something so big for him and he’s trying, by necessity, to do it alone, because he left his mother behind and came back to camelot where nobody understands that the only person other than his mother who ever loved him just died lying for him. he is so stressed out in the last three episodes of this season and so desperately unhappy about things he isn’t allowed to even mention, and i just think it’s impossible to evaluate these episodes outside of that particular context.

“we haven’t done all the things we’re meant to do,” he protests in the finale - and you can feel that aching admission come welling right up out of his soul. it’s uttered in a new context, yes, but he’s been thinking it for weeks and weeks and weeks already, too late to change anything, too late to buy his friend any more time. he’s hurting. and he goes zipping around from life-sacrifice to life-sacrifice in the last three episodes in a desperate attempt to keep himself from hurting more.

iii. i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass

the point of all this is the following: the reason merlin sounds like he’s fed up with arthur in 1.11 is because he is fed up with arthur in 1.11. he’s fed up with everything. they all just got home from ealdor somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks ago, and merlin is reeling. he feels like his head and his heart are still trapped on the other side of the border. he’s sick of looking at arthur’s arrogant, insensitive, infuriatingly alive face - and i say this while recognizing that, even at the same time, merlin also cares about arthur, and believes in him, and lionizes him; admires him; hero-worships him, even. these two things can be simultaneously true. merlin’s relationship with arthur is already so fraught with dissonance (how can you care about someone who thinks people like you are inherently evil? how can you respect someone who oppresses you?) - and merlin’s always carried two contradictory truths when he navigates their relationship, one in each hand. and right now it’s just that one hand is holding something too heavy. he’s not being bitchy, he’s busy - he’s trying to deal with something that is taking up 100% of his mental and emotional energy; he doesn’t have anything left over to accommodate arthur pendragon’s dumbassery.

and arthur pendragon IS a dumbass; let’s not pretend that he isn’t. i love him, and he has moments that are so admirable and glorious and shining that they take your breath away, when you can see why gwen says you are going to live to be the man i see inside you; i can see a king that the people will love and be proud to call their sovereign (that speech makes my eyes sting EVERY TIME, it gets me right there) - but arthur is STILL a dumbass. no question about it. he has so far to go, still. he’s dumb in all the generic ‘oblivious rich dude’ ways, and he’s also a jerk in his own specific ‘arrogant arthur pendragon TM’ ways, and merlin at this particular moment doesn’t have the energy to deal with it. he likes arthur, even at this early stage, despite all the mental gymnastics he has to do in order to like someone who hates magic-users. but merlin’s closest friend in the world is dead, and arthur is such an asshole sometimes and it’s like - this is what i got in exchange? this is the trade the universe made? what the hell makes arthur more deserving of being here than somebody who loved me without being told, without being taught, without needing to be constantly convinced that i should be allowed to exist and be safe and be loved on this earth?

are we really surprised that merlin wants to strangle arthur after that trademark ‘you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says’ comment? merlin has enough reasons to resent that on his own behalf, but his own secret isn’t the problem, this time; the problem is that they literally just got home from their little jaunt to ealdor and the only reason arthur even made it back from ealdor in the first place was because (as far as arthur knows) a ‘sorcerer’ died saving his stupid life, and arthur knows that, and still, this is what he has to say?

and that’s on top of like - back in ealdor before they left, the fact that arthur really felt it was necessary to take time out of his day to come over and reproachfully chastise merlin about not disclosing will’s ‘magic,’ AT WILL’S FUCKING FUNERAL??? “you know how dangerous magic is. you shouldn’t have kept this from me.” AT WILL’S FUNERAL? RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS BURNING CORPSE? LIKE???? HELLO????

can you imagine being in this scenario??? and thinking??? yeah this is appropriate. this is the time.

how is merlin supposed to respond to that? when arthur’s like ‘you know how dangerous magic is’ and merlin is just like ????!! we are AT HIS FUNERAL!!! we are literally WATCHING HIS BODY BURN!!!! you know how dangerous magic is FFS THAT ‘MAGIC-USER’ COULDN’T STAND YOU AND HE STILL SAVED YOUR UNGRATEFUL LIFE AND HE’S DEAD BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AND WE’RE AT HIS FUNERAL OMG IS THIS THE TIME? IS IT EVER GOING TO BE THE TIME? SHUT! UP!

of course merlin wants to kill him.

so anyway. i really appreciate merlin’s sudden prickliness in this episode. it’s subtle enough not to be completely jarring, but it’s still clearly perceptible, and i’m glad for that, because this is something that should be perceptible, given the timeline, but at the same time merlin would never, ever mention what’s really bothering him out loud, because a) the sorcery element and arthur’s involvement in how things went down have made it an absolutely unbroachable, forbidden topic, and b) guilt has wired merlin’s jaw shut.

^^ re: that last thing - it’s a post for another day, and i won’t really get into it now, but suffice to say, once again, that merlin spends the last quarter of season 1 running around trying his absolute hardest to throw his life away for someone, and i just feel like...i think it says something about the kind of pain he is in, and the kind of apology he feels he needs to make.

he is having a very hard time. merlin in the back quarter of S1 is feeling very alone and very much like he doesn’t deserve to ever feel better.

so if he’s a little bitey with arthur’s trademark noble nonsense, i think we can cut him some slack.

#meta #the once and future slowburn #no kings no masters #tl;dr: merlin in 1.11 is grieving #this is...a lot of meta about not-arthur for an episode with such a frequently giffed arthur+merlin scene lol #but i don't care #not everything in merlin's life is about arthur pendragon #some things are just his #and will is one of those things #it has been so desperately rare for merlin to experience love without fear #every other relationship he has is tainted with 'they don't love the real me. they will hate me when they know.'#the very very few people who give him a breath of relief from this - who let him Exist and know beyond a doubt that he is cared for -#we RESPECT those people in this house!!!#how crucially important they are to him #how essential to his existence #how fundamental to his survival #how much they mean to him and how deeply it changes him when they're torn away #will and lancelot and hunith and gaius are the real mvps folks

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angvs · 5 years ago

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❛ ✶ ( LUKE HEMMINGS , CISMALE , HE/HIM ) — did you see ANGUS DONNELLEY walking around campus earlier ? i hear a lot of people talking about the TWENTY TWO year old JUNIOR . from what i know , they are studying NEUROSCIENCE and are a part of DELTA PSI BETA . they come across as + EMPATHETIC but also - PERNICIOUS , which makes sense because on their instagram ( @gusdonny ) it says they are a TAURUS . when i see them , i think of dropping your coffee on the pavement , tattered crewnecks & denim , sitting in some hole in the wall restaurant at 2am , omw texts while still laying in bed , & chipped bitten nails . the most interesting thing i’ve heard about them though , is the fact that [ REDACTED ] , but don’t tell anyone i told you that .

wow y’all really went hard in your intros i am not worThy !!! hi everyone !! i’m cj and i’m from the true north , strong and free .. aka canada bby . i’m out in mountain time , which is why i am SO LATE , i was at work today :~( i’m super excited to write with you guys though !! i brought one of my favourite boys .. this is my big dummy angus , but pls if u love the boy at all call him gus .

tw : drug mention below

╰ ˚･ﾟ & some 𝒃𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒔

full name: angus elijah donnelley nicknames: gus age: twenty two date of birth: april 27th hometown: malibu , california preferred pronouns: he/him orientation: pansexual occupation: n/a , currently studying at beaumont language(s) spoken: english , swedish ( very rusty ) pets: bulldog-terrier mix named cleo ( aka … luke hemmings irl puppy , i couldn’t help myself ok ) , but ... it’s a family dog , so ... she’s back at home and he misses her EVERY DAY .

PINTEREST BOARD !!

born and raised in malibu , angus grew up with strict , ambitious parents . his father a neurosurgeon , and mother an architect . it was very early on that they instilled their high expectations for the boy , teaching him the importance of discipline and responsibility . their intentions were good of course , as every parent wants to raise their child right , though angus wasn’t truly equipped . in actuality the couple came off as overbearing and their high expectations deemed unreachable in the male’s eyes . as he grew older , the feeling grew stronger that he would never quite live up to their standards – 97% on his mathematics test ?? well , why wasn’t it 100% ??

family time was scarce in the donnelley household . with both parents working full time and lots of time spent working extra hours , angus became independent quickly . his mother was flying to dubai for work quite frequently , gone weeks at a time . some weeks if felt like his father LIVED in the hospital . but he was saving lives , and how could angus be so SELFISH to want him at home . it meant he grew extremely close to his two younger sisters , often opting to spending the weekends entertaining them rather then out at parties . the family had a nanny to help , so he didn’t HAVE to , but his sisters always came first to him and being the eldest he has a serious case of protective older brother syndrome .

after graduating high school , he somehow managed to convince his parents to allow him to head abroad for the year . with promises of coming back home and hunkering down into his pre med degree . the couple really wanted angus to head straight into uni , but with tons of begging , they sent him off , bank account full . the year was spent travelling and honestly , just having FUN – a few months over in paris , london , italy , greece … some places he’d been before with his family , but not in the way he got to experience them now . angus continued his travels to japan , korea , new zealand , australia … never staying in one place for too long . but the fun had to come to an end .

as promised , angus attended beaumont upon returning back to the states studying neurosciences , getting his pre med classes under his belt . he is a legacy kid -- his father having been apart of delta psi beta when he attended the university . becoming a doctor has never quite been his dream , so much as it was his parents . while the male continues his undergraduate degree , he wonders if he should change his path , though that’s not a conversation he can have with his parents . angus has always wanted to leave an impact on others , in what way , well he’s never been sure .

╰ ˚･ﾟ & 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚

a big dumb softy !!

what if i left it at that …. !! no but , honestly … he’s definitely chaotic neutral . he’s a big empath , and will usually feel for you to his core .

i have some tiktoks to link , because our beautiful admins inspired me !!! and if you do anything ... please watch these : ONE , TWO , THREE , FOUR , FIVE ( tag urself , angus is the idiot that makes the entire thing go down )

it could be sometimes annoying , because angus can’t really ‘ pick sides ’ , this boy can see the validity in all sides ( in most cases ) . he’s definitely loyal to you , but he’ll be that friend that brings up the defence just to make you really think . because of this he can be either really good with advice … or really bad , there’s no in between . he’ll hit you with a million different solutions , confident that every one is good … “ it just depends what vibe you wanna go for ”

he … gets distracted easily . he dabbles in a bit of adderall , with his course load ... it’s just kinda how he copes . definitely known to pop some pills during night study sesh’s , essays & finals week .

he doesn’t LIKE to party a ton , like … he’s just not into big crowds really ? but if he tells you he doesn’t want to go out , it’s VERY EASY to change his mind , because he has Big FOMO . but he’s 22 yanno and he’s in a big party frat so , catch him getting drunk and probably high every weekend , off to the side with a few less people , or in the smoking pit at the clubs fawning over ur outfit or smth . after he’ll drag your ass to some hole in the wall restaurant and order way too much shit .

he’s lowkey v self destructive . it’s something he doesn’t even realize he’s doing most of the time , but he’s genuinely surprised when a friend sticks around . the ones that do stick , have definitely had to deal with him fucking about and being overdramatic in an attempt to protect himself . idk why this is so important to me , but he FOR SURE made a few tik toks w that whole …. “ if i was a worm … would you still love me ? ” AND if you told him no , would be pissed for days .

very affectionate !!!! with !!!! everyone !!!!

╰ ˚･ﾟ & 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

attended a semester abroad in sweden . is very rusty now , but can hold a basic conversation in swedish .

cleo , his pup , is his absolute pride and joy . he talks about her as if she’s his daughter ok . misses her sm while away at school .

he’s so messy , but will defend himself by saying they always had a maid , and then realizes how DUMB he sounds .

sk8er boi ~~ nah , but he actually does skateboard , and is trying to perfect his kickflip rn .

loves pizza pls

is always attending live shows , he loves the music scene and frequently supports locals

will “ thrift ” the dumbest shit for hundreds of dollars …

plays guitar , but doesn’t think he’s very good

╰ ˚･ﾟ & 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔

i made up a page HERE , but PLS i LOVE brainstorming , so don’t hesitate to come to me for some brainstorming !!

#bu.intro #☠ ! ─── 𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓾𝓼 𝓭𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓮𝔂 // intro.

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noonachronicles · 5 years ago

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Rock and a Hard Place

Im Changkyun/I.M. X Reader & Lee Hoseok/Wonho X Reader

Word count: 7.7k

Warnings: Sex stuff, and lots of vulgar language, deals with polyamorous relationships (does that require a warning? Idk).

Genre: Angst, Smut, moments of fluff. It’s got it all really.

A/N: Kind just gets right into some smut, so just gonna throw this guy under a cut.

There you were, spread eagle on the couch. One leg over the back and the other propped up on the coffee table. All of your glory out in the open for the world to see. Your face was pressed into a throw pillow as your thighs trembled with your orgasm.

“Oh my god!” Your scream was muffled by the pillow. Eyes squeezed shut, toes curled, you gasped, “I’m so close. Shit, Hoseok. Keep going.”

Your fingers grasped Hoseok’s hair trying to somehow urge him further between your legs. His hand worked your soaked cunt, his tongue your swollen clit, until finally your mouth fell open. You let out a long satisfied moan. When your eyes opened you caught sight of Changkyun at the door. His eyes met yours for a moment before he disappeared, the door shut quietly behind him.

“Fuck.” You muttered and sat up quick. You reached for something to throw on. Anything from the pile of clothes on the floor near the couch. You threw a T-shirt over your head and hopped into Hoseok’s boxers.

“Are you okay?” He asked clearly confused, still kneeling in front of the couch with his mouth and chin soaked in you.

“Yeah, everything’s fine...just stay here. I’ll be right back.” You said kissing his sweaty forehead before running out of the front door.

You clattered barefoot down the stairs of the apartment building hoping he hadn’t gotten too far. He hadn’t. He’d just nearly reached the bottom of the stairs, shoulders slumped.

“Hey!” You breathed heavily making your way down the last few steps to meet him. You reached a hand out to touch him but he pulled away.

“Don’t.” He said looking at your hand in what could only be described as disgust.

You gulped, “What are you doing here? You know it’s his weekend.”

“Yeah, I know.” He stared at your feet, refusing to look at your face. “I just thought…you’d remember.”

“Remember what?”

“Our anniversary.” He nodded, as if you’d confirmed his worst fear, of course you didn’t remember.

“No, that’s not right. We met…” you thought for a second before realization hit. “Oh...shit.”

“Yeah.”

You threw your arms around his neck. Even if he tried to pull away you were keeping him in your arms, but he didn’t try.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Fuuuck, I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve you. I’m so stupid.” You mumbled regretfully into his neck, leaving little kisses everywhere. Any piece of his soft skin that was available to you.

“Don’t worry.” He mumbled into your shoulder.

You pulled away holding his pouty face in your hands. “I’m an asshole. Let me go back up really quick. I’ll tell him to leave and wash up and we can do whatever you want.”

He wrapped his fingers around your wrist and gave a small, ingenuine smile. “Don’t. It’s okay. Have your weekend and we can celebrate later. Here.”

You hadn’t even realized the narrow gift bag in his hand until he was handing it to you. It was a bottle of wine, the kind you had shared on your first date. That stung. You looked back up at him and smiled weakly, so horribly embarrassed, “You are amazing and I’m a total piece of shit.”

“Don’t talk about my jagi like that.” He said grabbing your hips and pulling into him. “Just give me a kiss before you go?”

“Of course.” You wrapped your arms around his neck once more and pulled him in for his kiss.

You didn’t know what kind of kiss it would be, you rarely did with him. It had started so soft and sweet. Before you knew it, it had become heated, dangerously so. One of his hands was in your hair, the other squeezing your ass so hard you expected a bruise. All you could do was moan into his mouth and try to breathe. He really wanted you to want him, and you really truly did.

He let you pull back, rather reluctantly for both of you, as you heard the clatter of heel clicks and giggling storming down the stairs. A group of college girls passed you two on the stairs on their way out for a wild night.

“You smell like pussy.” He muttered after they were out of earshot, reminding you of how he found you minutes ago.

“Sorry.” You said once again.

He licked his lips, eyeing your neck. “What for? I just wish it was for me.”

“Kyunnie…”

“I better go before this case of blue balls gets any worse.” He sighed. He cupped your neck one more time and pulled your face to his for a quick kiss.

“I’ll make it up to you.” You promised.

“I know. Love you.” He said before starting to walk away.

“Love you too.” You returned. He didn’t turn back around one last time like he usually did. Just made his way through the door and out into the night. You sighed and looked back down at the bottle of wine in the gift bag, “Happy anniversary…”

After explaining to Hoseok what had happened he was more than understanding when you asked him if you could cut your weekend together short. The two of you had spent the rest of the night together but the next morning after breakfast you went your separate ways. You spent most of your morning and afternoon trying to think of how you’d makeup your mistake to Changkyun.

It wasn’t a surprise to you when you walked into his apartment and he wasn’t there. You’d really only gone to drop off a few things and use the kitchen. Once you had everything ready you walked down the street to the park he usually inhabited. He was where you’d figured he’d be. Sitting on a large flat rock that overlooked the small lake in the parks center. He had his headphones in and was jotting furiously in a notebook on his lap. You almost didn’t want to bother him. You waited until he’d stopped writing and then put your bag down next to him. He looked up at you in surprise, pulling one of his headphones out.

“Hey...what’s up? What are you…are you here on like a date thing?” He asked looking behind you, probably looking for Hoseok.

“Do you want to be here on a date thing?” You asked sitting down next to him and leaving a kiss on his cheek.

“I told you, you didn’t have to cut your weekend short for me.” He said, but the smile on his face told you just how happy he was that you did.

“Oh.” You said and started to stand up, “well if you’re sure...I’ll just-“

“No! You have to stay now!” He laughed wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you back down. “What did you plan? Show me.”

You grabbed your bag and dragged it over to where you were. “I brought food, sushi and dumplings.”

“Our first meal together.” He grinned.

“Yes! You remembered! And I thought we could eat it here on this very rock where I gave you a handy for the first time at like three in the morning…”

“And that park ranger guy chased us out of here and my pants kept falling down.” He blushed happily.

You nodded as you laughed at the memory, “Then at home I bought your favorite ice cream. We got some face masks waiting, the expensive shit that I know you like. And for entertainment some super gory Japanese horror film that Kihyun suggested like a month ago that I never got around to watching.”

“Aw, babe.” He cooed, “Some movie neither one of us cares about, that you have to watch because your dumb friend suggested it and probably keeps asking if you’ve watched it? You’re so romantic. So thoughtful, my favorite part.”

“But you’ll do it right?” You asked with a big cheesy smile that he’d never say no to.

He nodded, “Yes, because I love you.”

“I love that you love me.”

“I love that you love that I love you.”

“I love that you love that I love that you love..”

“Stop” he shook his head and pressed his hand against your mouth. “Just stop, it was cute and then you killed it. It’s dead now. Give me my food.”

“Hey, baby.” you could hear Changkyun call from the front door a few days later.

“In the bedroom.” you called back snapping another picture on your phone. It was good enough so you sent it on it’s way. When you rolled over on your back he was standing in the doorway looking at you incredulously.

“What...are you doing?” he asked with a chuckle pulling his hoodie over his head. The fabric tugging up his t-shirt as well. The sight of his soft tummy made you bite your lip.

“Just taking a stupid picture.”

He was still stuck inside his sweater, having forgotten to take his hat off first. So helpless it made your heart melt in your chest. You kicked out your foot, hooking a toe beneath his belt and pulled him blindly to the bed.

“What is happening?” he laughed as he stumbled forward before finally getting his sweater off and tossing it to the ground.

“I want you.”

“Oh?” he smiled at first but then took in the scene. You in a shirt and some underwear your phone on the pillow. Taking selfies that you never sent him. Before you knew what was going on he stepped back with a frown. “Who’s the picture for?”

“What does it matter?” you asked with a pout, trying to reach out at him but he stepped back so you couldn’t.

“You send him selfies? You never send me sexy panty, bedroom selfies.”

You dropped your hands, exasperated, “You never ask for them.”

“So, what is this? He has you all hot and bothered with his afternoon sexting and I’m just supposed to satisfy you since he can't because it's my night? Is that how this is going to work?”

With a huff you reached over and grabbed your phone, unlocking it, “Haven’t heard much from you today, been busy? Yeah spent all morning finishing up that presentation for this afternoon. Oh yeah, forgot you had that. Go well? I think so we’ll find out soon. I bet you killed it. Thanks. How’s your day? Fine, working late tonight. Ugh. Yeah. Miss your smile. Send me something cute to get me through the night?” You dropped your phone on the mattress and looked up at Changkyun, “Then I sent him a stupid fucking selfie. That’s definitely what got me hot and bothered. Couldn’t be you, standing right in front of me, looking obnoxiously sexy and extremely frustrating.”

“Obnoxiously sexy?” He asked looking over at your full length mirror to check himself out before grinning and stepping back between your legs. “You proved your point.”

“So...do you want me right now or do you want me to send you some selfies first...how’s this going to work?”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to yours, his fingers tickling your sides as he grabbed the hem of your shirt. When he pulled away he dragged the shirt up and over your head.

“I’m such a dick.” He shrugged, “Just...ignore me. I get-“

“Jealous?” You asked helping him take off his pants as he pulled his own shirt over his head.

“Look at you. Can you blame me?” He asked crashing down onto you, pushing you into the mattress. You hummed into his lips in reply. His hands moved a little clumsily down your body and you gasped as he kissed your neck and shoulder, his teeth dragging against your skin. He slipped his fingers into your panties and over the slick wet warmth. “All this just for me?”

“Mmhmm.” You smiled against his shoulder, “do you have something for me?”

“Do I ever.” He laughed and pushed himself up on the mattress, “take your panties off.”

You reached down, trapped beneath him and pulled your underwear down your hips. He laughed at the cute way you stuck your tongue between your teeth and kissed your cheek as you kicked them off your legs.

“Okay.” You panted, laying back down “I’m ready.”

“You sure?” He teased kissing your neck so gently it tickled.

“Fuck.” You gasped as he pressed inside you with little warning.

His breath came in hot, heavy pants against your throat as he found his rhythm. You dragged your hands down his back and then up again twisting your fingers in his hair, rolling your hips up to meet him.

He wrapped his arms around your head like he was protecting you from something unknown. His mouth was open against your skin, he’d meant to kiss you but all of his efforts were focused elsewhere. You kissed him instead. His cheek, pink with hard work. His eyelid, his eyes squeezed shut in concentration. His forehead, salty with perspiration.

“Let me see you cum.” He panted after some time, lifting his head so he could see you.

“Okay.” You could see the muscles in his shoulders growing pink from holding himself up. So you nudged his hip with your knee and he rolled over on his back.

“Thank you.” He smiled, sinking into the mattress as you adjusted yourself on top of him and took over.

You ran your thumb over his cheek, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Hey, that’s my line.” His hand found its way between your thighs. You fell forward onto his chest as if he’d pressed some magic button and whimpered. “Come on...let me see.”

“Yeah. Okay.” You repeated yourself before pushing yourself back up. Hands pressed firmly on his chest this time as he continued to play with you. “Just- don’t stop.”

He watched as you closed your eyes and bit your lip. His name fell from your lips like a song. And he finally saw the face he’d been looking for, the one he saw a few nights ago. Then you crumpled onto the mattress beside him in exhaustion.

You sighed happily rolling over, throwing your leg over his. When you kissed him you felt so blissful you didn’t even see the way he looked at you, like he was miserable. You nuzzled into his shoulder, so content, “That’s what I wanted.”

“Is it?” he asked. You nodded in response. “Do you think about him? When you’re with me is that who you imagine inside of you?”

“Who?” you asked confused by the question.

“You know who.” he said and you finally realized the air in the room was not what you thought it was.

“Kyunnie.. wow. Seriously?” you asked leaning back to look at him fully. He just looked at you, waiting. “No. I don’t think about him when I’m with you. What’s going on with you lately?”

“I don’t know, forget it.” he said shutting himself down.

“I’m not letting this go. Let’s talk to Hyungwon. Tomorrow.” you suggested. He only nodded in agreement.

“The last time we sat down, Changkyun, you seemed genuinely okay with the setup of the, you know, poly relationship. What’s changed?” Hyungwon asked scribbling something on the notepad that sat on his knee.

“It could be the fact that since the last time we were here I’ve seen my girlfriend's new boyfriend snorkeling in her cunt while she blasted his face with lady jizz.”

“Jesus Christ, Changkyun.” You groaned in embarrassment, burying your face in a throw pillow.

“Am I wrong? Was that not what I’d walked in on? Aren’t my feelings valid?” He asked.

Hyungwon stifled a laugh in an effort to remain professional. “Yes, Changkyun. You are valid here. Thank you for sharing.”

They both turned to you and you sighed, “Yes, Kyunnie. While you may be crass, you are still valid.”

“Changkyun, I am curious, do you think your feelings changed because you saw the act taking place firsthand? I know the pair of you talked in excess about what being polyamorous would mean for you both as a couple, and that you knew she would be partaking in sexual acts with others. Did it just come as a surprise to see it happening? Not just hearing about it.”

“I guess it’s kind of that. It’s also that while she’s talked about him and told me all about him, I had never seen him before. He offered to meet once if I thought it would make me more comfortable. I didn’t want to.”

“Did it just bother you to have a face with the name?”

“No. It bothered me because,” he stopped and took a deep breath before looking out of the window like he wanted to sprint through it. You tried to figure out what he was feeling, he looked almost ashamed. “It bothered me because he’s big.”

“Big?”

“Not like his dick or anything. I don’t know, I didn't see that. He’s just physically big. Like some… giant...abnormally huge...muscle pig.” He said with clear distaste. “A human colored Hulk.”

“He’s not.” You rolled your eyes feeling the sudden urge to defend Hoseok. He wasn’t even there, you hated talking about him when he wasn’t there. “He’s not a muscle pig. You don’t have to be so mean.”

“Do you have a picture?” Hyungwon asked you curiously.

You sighed and pulled your phone from your pocket. It took you a second to find a suitable picture of him before handing it over. “That’s him.”

“Let me see.” Changkyun huffed reaching for your phone. “That’s not a good one. Show him a real one. I guarantee he’s sent you some jacked, shirtless gym selfie.”

“Why are you doing this?” You asked before flipping through your pictures again. You found one Changkyun would be happy with and dropped it on the coffee table annoyed.

“I just want you to be honest with me…for once.”

Hyungwon took his time admiring the photo, zooming in and out, getting a really good look. He passed your phone back with a hum. “Yeah. He’s jacked. He’s like…woo- really good looking.”

“I hate both of you.” You muttered shoving your phone back in your pocket.

“See? If I’d known she just wanted some buff gym rat… I could have bulked up or something. I thought I was good enough but it’s like,” he stopped unable to find the words or too hurt to say the ones he was thinking of.

“Changkyun…” you reached your hand over and slipped your fingers between his, “You’re perfect as you are. It has nothing to do with that, none of this does.”

“If I’m enough then… then I don’t want to do this anymore. Be with just me again.” He said looking over at you seriously.

“I-“ you could feel him try to slip his hand away but you held tight. “Okay. Whatever you need.”

“Don’t do me any favors.” He scoffed.

“Whatever we need.” you corrected, “You know what I meant.”

“So...poly no more?” Hyungwon asked. “It’s probably what I would have advised.”

“But you didn’t.” Changkyun said with an eye roll and stood up, “You didn’t give us...any advice. You literally never do.”

“Here’s some advice then, and it’s going to change your world, get a real therapist.”

“You are a real therapist. I thought.” You said grabbing the remote before kicking your feet up on the coffee table and turning the tv on. “Isn’t I’m a doctor your go to pick up line?”

“Fine, one you don’t pay in beer then, you pair of dumbasses.” your friend laughed accepting the open bottle Changkyun had come back from the kitchen with.

“No.” Hoseok said simply and shook his head.

You’d invited him for lunch at a cafe downtown so you could break the news, so you could break up with him. You let him know it was best, so that you could save your relationship with Changkyun.

“Just, no?” you said trying to read his very calm denial.

He was sitting in a chair across the small table from you as you sat on a plush loveseat. The plates had already been cleared from the table, just your half empty glasses were left.

“No. You don’t get to just choose him over me. That’s not playing fair. I’m just as invested as he has been, I should get a shot.”

“A shot?” this wasn’t going as you’d expected at all. “You want a shot...at me? I didn’t think that was something you’d wanted.”

“Have you not thought we were really dating this whole time? What did you think I thought this was, a consistent string of hookups?” he asked looking slightly worried, “Because I’ve been considering you my girlfriend. I tell people you’re my girlfriend.”

“No, yes. Ugh!” you groaned and covered your face. “I’m just fucking everything up. Yes, I consider you my boyfriend. No, you’re not just a hookup to me.”

He pulled his chair around the table so he could sit in front of you. Leaning in he grabbed your hands in his and met your gaze with eyes that held a look so soft you were seconds from becoming putty. He laughed lightly, “Good, because I love you.”

“Love me?!” you practically shouted and threw yourself back into the loveseat dramatically. Several people around you turned and stared. You leaned forward again so you were close and said, much quieter, “Sorry...you love me?”

“You don’t just share your girl with another guy unless you think she’s really worthwhile.” he grinned squeezing your hands.

“Yeah but your girlfriend-”

“I’m not dating anyone else.”

“I- what? You had a girlfriend when we first met. Like a long term girlfriend. You introduced me to poly.” you were so confused, so overwhelmed.

“Yeah.” he chuckled, at how cute he found you. “I remember. I was poly- am poly and actually I’d been in two other relationships when we met. When we were getting more serious I realized you were all I wanted right now. I talked to both of them and we went our separate ways.”

You sat back in the loveseat once more, finally allowing yourself to relax a little, you hadn’t realized how tense you’d been this whole time. Your back was sore. When you looked back up at Hoseok he was smiling at you.

“God, am I really so needy that you couldn’t deal with me and another relationship?” you asked.

“Not at all.” he moved from the chair he was in to sit beside you on the loveseat. He cupped the back of your neck and pulled you forward, gently kissing your forehead. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“What do I do now?”

“Well, you obviously love Changkyun. Do you think you might love me too?” he asked with absolutely no pressure in his tone.

You nodded with zero hesitation, “I really think I do.”

“Good, that’s good. That you know.” he said with a small smile, “Really think about it, maybe take the weekend to be by yourself away from both of us and think about what you need. If by monday you’re still not sure what you want, you’ll have to tell him. If he really isn’t okay with being poly, then you have to make a choice.”

You pouted, incredibly unhappy with that answer. You tucked yourself into his side. He draped an arm over your shoulder and you grabbed his hand, pulling him tighter around you. Resting your head on his chest, you sighed deeply, “You have the softest heart.”

“Yep, softest heart, hardest abs. Remember that when you’re making your decision.”

You snorted out a laugh and then buried your face in his chest out of embarrassment. “That was so terrible.”

He hooked his finger under your chin and lifted your lips to his for a soft peck, “It was, but it made you laugh.”

You couldn’t stop the blush if you tried, “It did make me laugh.”

Changkyun paced the floor of your small living room several times. Then he sat down on the chair, stood back up and continued to pace. His thumb was tucked between his lips as he chewed on his nail. All you could really do was sit on the couch watching him, trying not to get dizzy. Leaning forward you grabbed your wine glass and gulped until it was empty.

You placed the empty glass on the table and looked back at the still pacing Changkyun. “You’re so nervous it’s making me nervous.”

Finally he paused his pacing to look over at you, “What can I say? It’s not every night you get to meet your girlfriend's boyfriend, who also just happens to be better than you in every single way.”

“Stop it, please!” You sighed, completely exasperated. “He’s not better than you, he’s just different from you. And when you find a girl you like and want to date, if you want me to meet her, I’d be fine with that.”

“He is. He is better than me. He makes more money than me, I know that. From what you say about him he’s more responsible than I am. We both know he’s stronger than me. Physically for sure, and honestly probably emotionally as well. He’s probably funnier than me too and I’m sure he fucks you better.” Changkyun was practically screaming now, and something sick made its way into your stomach. “And just so we’re clear, I would never do that to you. I would never ask you to meet another girlfriend of mine because I don’t want another girlfriend. I want you. Just you. I love you. Why don’t you get this? It’s so simple. I’ve never wanted this, it was always for you.”

As the sick feeling grew you wondered if it was just guilt or if guilt was only one of the ingredients. “We talked about this...for months. We laid in bed together on many, many nights and set boundaries and rules. You told me you wanted this too. How can you say this was just for me? Why would you agree to it if it’s not what you wanted too?”

“I was scared and I didn’t want to lose you. Okay?” He said quietly and you felt like it was one of the most honest things he’d said to you in awhile. “When you brought it up the first time, I thought it was a joke. Then you brought it up again and again and I realized you really wanted this. I was afraid that if I said no I would lose you. Now I’m losing you anyway.”

“Changkyun, you’re not losing me.” You felt uncomfortable sitting down so you stood, and wrapped your arms around yourself, “I want this to work. I love you, but I love him too. That’s why tonight is so important to me. I just think if we all could just sit down and talk about it, we’d feel better. And if you don’t feel better even after you talk to him, then I’ll do what I have to do. But I need us to try first.”

“I don’t.” He said defeated.

“You don’t what?”

His lip was trembling and when you noticed it made your chest tighten. This was it. “I don’t need tonight to happen for me to know, I already do. I want you, but I don’t want this. Nothing is changing that. I-“

“Don’t.” You interrupted and quickly moved around the coffee table. You grabbed his cheeks in your hands, tears already dripping over your cheeks. “Don’t say it. Please. Please. I just...I can’t let you. Please don’t.”

Watching him cry just as hard as you only made it that much worse. And all you could do was stand there with his face in your hands, begging him please. For awhile he really couldn’t even speak. He’d open his mouth to say something and then just shutter out another sob. The front of your shirt was getting soaked in tears that had slipped down your neck.

After some time he took a deep breath and sniffed, rubbing his face on his hoodie sleeve. He used the other sleeve to wipe your face dry. “I love you so much...and it hurts, but I think you should be with him. He’d be okay with it if you needed to be with someone else too and I can’t give that to you. You should try, so that you know if it’s what you really want.”

“This isn’t what I want, I know that already.” You felt broken. “I don’t want you to break up with me. I don’t want this at all.”

“This isn’t what I wanted either, but you have a need and I can’t figure out how to let you experience it without getting in the way. We don’t have to call it a break up. Let’s just call it a trial run of you being with him instead of with me. We can call it space.”

“What will you do?” You felt selfish even asking but you were realizing how selfish you’d been this whole time anyway, so might as well. “Are you going to...be with other women? And maybe fall in love with them. Get married? Forget about me? And disappear from my life?”

“Yes.” He said deadpan, he was so good at it, “It’s probably going to happen by the end of next week, so you should really figure out what you need before then.”

You let out the smallest laugh as he wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug. You held him so much tighter than you ever had before, wanting your love for him to seep through your body and into his so that he could know. You inhaled the scent of him so deeply, worried you might not get the chance again. It made you want to cry again.

“I’m gonna go.” He whispered into your hair. You shook your head no and squeezed him closer in defiance. He chuckled, “You have to try, so that you know. So you don’t regret what might have been.”

With a painful sigh you stepped back letting your hand drag down his arm. You wrapped your fingers around his wrist and held on as he tried to walk away. He smiled and lifted your hand to his lips for a last sweet kiss. You didn’t know what else to do but watch him leave.

When he opened the door your eyes went wide at the sight of Hoseok, hand at the ready to knock. His eyes went wide too and you suspected that Changkyun looked just as surprised.

“Hi I’m-“ he paused, seeing the looks on both of your faces, “Hoseok.”

“Yeah. Hey.” Changkyun said quietly before taking a deep, shaky sigh, “Please take good care of her.”

And then he was gone, he’d disappeared down the hallway. Hoseok stood in the doorway for a moment to process and then looked up at you realizing what he must have missed. In a blink he was across the room and you were in his arms, a weeping mess once more.

A few weeks later things seemed to normalize. The two of you were doing good, the same as before, just more frequently you guessed. You’d spent your Saturday morning at breakfast with Hoseok’s friend, Minhyuk. He told you about a cool street market he thought you’d enjoy and so the three of you headed over there after to walk off breakfast.

It was actually a really cool market. A little city of pop up canopies that protected the goods of all local businesses. You squeezed Hoseok’s hand as you perused the offerings. He fed you samples of homemade chocolate from one tent and blackberries straight from the farm from another. You bought a bundle of wildflowers for your apartment and made heart eyes at a tent that offered hand bound notebooks with leather covers and recycled paper sewn in for the pages. You just knew they were something Changkyun would have loved.

Near where the food trucks were lined up there was an opening to a small park where people were lounging and eating. A woman was playing the acoustic guitar, anticipating a bit of money from the people that passed by. The three of you found a nice patch of grass across from the fountain to relax on.

Hoseok stretched out, laying his head on your lap as you and Minhyuk praised the coffee you’d picked up from one of the vendors that roasted their own beans in house.

“Soooo.” Minhyuk smiled mischievously, “You guys are like dating now. For real.”

“We’ve been dating.” Hoseok said simply. His eyes were closed as you ran your hand through his hair. “For real.”

“Yeah but does it count if one of you is also dating someone else?”

“Yes.” You laughed.

He made a face like he wasn’t convinced and sipped his coffee. “But you’re like dating dating.”

“To answer your poorly asked question, yes we are dating, and currently only each other.” You said with a small eye roll.

“Monogamy.” Hoseok chimed in, lifting his hand up to the clouds and moving it in an arch shape, “The more you know.”

“If either of you wanted at any point, perhaps, to date someone else as well, you still could?” Minhyuk continued, raising a cheeky eyebrow at you.

You almost choked on your coffee, “Are you trying to ask me out?”

“I mean, if you were hungry I would take you out to dinner. Not like anything expensive…”

Hoseok swatted a hand at his friend as you continued to laugh. “You’re such a pest, Minhyuk.”

A while later, before Hoseok could truly fall asleep, you got back up to walk around a little longer. You found a cute tent selling ice cream and dragged Hoseok over for some. As you read down the menu you squeezed his hand excitedly.

“Oh they have sherbet, no one ever has sherbert.” You said looking over at him and realized you’d made a mistake.

“Do you like sherbert that much?” He asked surprised. “I didn’t realize.”

“No, not really I just...um I don’t know. I just thought it was cool because no one ever really offers it.” You smiled and turned back to the menu. Changkyun liked sherbert.

Minhyuk had taken off and the two of you headed back to Hoseok’s to relax. He watched you move around his kitchen, finding something to put your flowers in. As you were filling a drink pitcher up with water he stepped up behind you, placing a hand on your hip.

“Today was fun.” He said moving your hair to the side with his free hand so he could kiss your neck.

You smiled, dropping the flowers into the water. “It was a lot of fun. I’m glad we went out. Min is...interesting.”

“We don’t have to talk about him... What do you want to do tonight?” He asked sucking gently on your skin.

“I think we should stay in.” You groaned as his hand slipped down the front of your jeans.

He turned you around and pushed your butt up against the counter. He made quick work of your jeans, pulling them down your legs and helping you step out of them. His tongue was flush against your sex in seconds. His nose rubbing against your clit as he licked at you.

“Yeah, we’re doing this...” you muttered, not really guessing this was where your afternoon was headed when you’d walked into the apartment, but not minding it either.

He stood back up and undid his own pants impatiently. He only dropped them to his knees before lifting you onto the counter and pushing your knees open. You let out a breath as you watched him. He hissed, easing inside of you, watching you take every inch before looking back up at you with a smile.

You grabbed his face and pulled that smiling mouth in for a kiss. You closed your eyes but only for a second before you opened them wide in surprise. Your brain had flashed an image of Changkyun. Not of you having sex, but of him laughing, doubling over, mouth wide open laughter. You tightened around Hoseok at the thought.

He groaned, and told you to wrap your legs around him. He cupped your backside in his arms and carried you over to the couch where he laid you down.

“This is better.” He smiled before getting back into it.

You held onto his shoulders, afraid to close your eyes again. It was a little too late. Even with your eyes open you were thinking about him. About Changkyun. So you closed your eyes. It was a different memory. At the grocery store, he made a face at you like you’d said something he’d found incredibly stupid.

“Sherbert is garbage.” You remembered.

You knew this memory. That night he made you buy five different types of sherbert. He made you try every single one. You were left eating sherbert for weeks. Luckily you had his help.

You whimpered beneath Hoseok. He looked down at you, panting heavily, “You okay?”

You nodded, “Yes. You just feel so good.”

He nuzzled into your neck as you closed your eyes again. The night you got stuck at work when you were meant to have dinner flashed in your head. When you got home he’d been in the kitchen cooking with his back to you. When he finally turned to you, you realized he’d been wearing the face mask you spent too much money on and were saving for a special night. You’d screamed at him for ten full minutes in frustration but mostly because he just kept laughing at you.

“I’m close, you close?” Hoseok brought you back. Your eyes snapped open.

“What?”

“I can’t hold much longer.” He said with a slow deep grind.

“I just need.” You bit your lip, “I need a second. I need one more.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, this time you knew what you’d see. Stretched out on your back, on top of his rock at the park watching clouds pass overhead while he laid on his stomach next to you writing in his notebook.

He’d looked over at you, raised an eyebrow and said, “Oh. Did I tell you?”

“Tell me what?” You’d asked and turned your head to him.

“I love you.”

“Oh, fu-!” you trembled to completion. You threw your arms over your face almost immediately in shame. How could you look at Hoseok now? You took several breathes and sort of hoped he’d just walk away. Even if you knew he wasn’t that kind of guy.

He moved your arms and looked down at you with worry clear on his face. “You okay?”

You nodded, “It was just a lot.”

“You cried?” He asked wiping a stray tear from the corner of your eye.

“No! Just...my eyes were watering.”

“You’re sure you’re okay?” He asked kissing your temple. You nodded once more. “Okay. I’m going to go hit the shower, come join me?”

“Yeah.” You said with a small smile in return, “I just need a minute.”

“Of course. I’ll get the water ready.”

You waited until he left the room completely, and you could hear water running in the bathroom before curling up on the couch to cry.

A month had passed by and you continued to think back to moments with Changkyun. Almost everything you did had some connection or another to him. Some memories left an ache in your chest for hours afterward.

You did your best to hide your thoughts from Hoseok. You genuinely loved him and being with him. He was absolutely perfect. So thoughtful and kind, always so caring. Every day you tried to be in the moment with him, enjoying him and being just as good to him as he was to you.

Tired from a long day at work you unlocked the door to Hoseok's apartment with a yawn and stepped inside.

“Hey, it’s just me.” You called out, dropping your keys on the side table and taking your shoes off.

He poked his head around the corner to the kitchen and beamed at you, “Hey, beautiful. Wash up, dinner's almost ready.”

You yawned once more and walked over to him for a quick kiss, “Did you make anything good?”

“Yeah I think so.” He grinned, “Hurry back, you can open some wine while I finish up.”

Not too much later Hoseok placed the finished dinner plate in front of you and moved around to the other side of the table with his own plate. Both of you ate in silence for some time before you finally looked up with a small smile.

“It’s really good,” you commented, “thank you.”

“Of course.” he returned with a smile so bright it lit up the room.

“So, how was your day?” you asked.

“It was pretty good. Work went fast, which was nice. Then I just went to the store to pick up some things for dinner and, well, now we’re here. And also I think we should break up.”

“Well that’s good that it...wait you what?” you asked dropping your fork on the plate with a clatter.

He licked his lips, still smiling softly as he looked at you, “I love you and I know you love me too, I do. But, baby, you love Changkyun more.”

“Uh.” you couldn’t even stutter out a reply.

“It’s really okay. You spend eighty percent of the time we’re together thinking about him.” your mouth opened and closed silently, not unlike a trout. “At first I was a little hurt, but I had hoped that it was just something that would go away with time. I figured you just needed some time to fall into us, you know? To get comfortable. It’s been two months and I can’t ignore it anymore. I think you just really need him.”

“I do love you.” you said quietly, unable to deny anything else he’d said.

“I know. Maybe one day we’ll have our time, but it’s just not right now.”

For more than one reason you started to feel anxious, like you needed to leave very suddenly. You looked from your hands, wringing in your lap, to Hoseok, “I should go.”

“You don’t have to leave. You’re obviously more than welcome to stay and finish dinner.” He took a moment to read your face and then nodded in realization, “Oh, gotcha.”

He helped you pack up your backpack with some of the things you’d accumulated at his place. T-shirts, underwear, toothbrush, some dvds. Suddenly it felt like a real breakup. Once you had everything you stood together on the sidewalk in front of the apartment building. You gave him his apartment key back and he gave you yours.

He placed his hands on your shoulders, smiling, always smiling, “We had fun.”

“I’m sad.” you finally admitted.

“But mostly relieved?” he asked. You nodded. He knew you too well.

“You’re the most amazing human I have ever met in my life.” You said genuinely, “You’re probably the better man. I should pick you. If I had any sense I would.”

“Oh, I’m definitely the better man.” he grinned and pulled you in for a tight hug, “But that’s not how this works.”

“Okay,” you sighed as he released you from his embrace. “Thank you, for everything. I love you.”

“I love you too. Text me when you get there, so I know you got there safe. Call me in a couple weeks, let me know how things are going. We can get lunch then. I’m not going to lose you just because I’m losing you.”

“Deal.” you smiled with the knowledge that he meant it and pressed a kiss on his cheek before finally leaving.

By the time you reached his apartment you weren’t much more than a bundle of nerves. Standing in front of the door for quite some time, with your key ready in your hand. You could hear them jangle at your side as you shook. Your stomach felt tight and you worried you were going to be sick. Suddenly you wished you’d called first.

You’d had this romanticized idea of how everything would happen but now that you were standing here you were worried. What if you were too late and he didn’t want you back anymore? What if he wasn’t home? Changed the locks? Worse even, what if he was home and you walked in on him fucking someone new.

Then you’d suffer through the pain of it just like he did. You thought to yourself.

When you got the key in the lock and gave it a turn, the door clicked open and a bit of relief washed over you. Your key still worked. You opened the door and stepped inside, quickly turning to shut the door and lock it. Instinctually you wanted to kick off your shoes by the door, but you’d wait. You took several deep breaths, willing your panic to dissipate.

Your breath caught in your chest when you turned around. Your eyes filled to the brim with tears at the mere sight of him. He was sitting on the couch, looking over his shoulder at you with eyes wide with surprise, a spoon hanging out of his mouth. Your love for him hit so hard it was overwhelming and you genuinely thought you might faint.

“Hi.” you barely breathed out the word.

Lifting his hand he pulled the spoon from his mouth and swallowed whatever had been on it. He tilted his head towards the television. “Just started.”

He continued to watch you silently as you kicked off your shoes and threw your backpack into the chair next to the couch. You climbed onto the cushions next to him, slipping your arms around him and holding on like your life depended on it. Without a single word you rested your head on his shoulder, and then you waited. You weren’t sure what for. Maybe for him to say something, to bring up the last two months. Ask what you were doing there, what it meant. Surely he had questions for you or a piece of his mind to offer. So you waited.

After a minute of silence Changkyun dug his spoon into the bowl on his lap. Ice cream, sherbert. He lifted a spoonful out of the bowl and brought it to your lips. You opened your mouth to accept. His lips pressed against the top of your head in a kiss as he fed you, and you squeezed him closer.

“I missed you.” he said quietly before getting himself a spoonful of ice cream.

You let out a sigh of absolute relief and really sunk into him, “It’s good to be home.”

#im changkyun scenario #im changkyun smut #Wonho scenario #wonho smut #monsta x scenario #Kpop scenario #Kpop smut #I.M. scenario #I.M. smut

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rat-apologist · 6 years ago

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A Semi-In depth Review of Anna Todd’s After

So I’ve been seeing the trailer for the movie adaptation of this book every five seconds on my Instagram feed, and as a proud dyslexic unwilling to sit down and read it, I listened to the audiobook.

Again, these are all my opinions, if you don’t agree that’s okay.

Here is a quick, spoiler free plot synopsis for those who want/need it: Being moved from Wattpad into the real world of publishing, After follows a girl named Tessa, who simultaneously has the mentality of a five year old and an old man from the 1800’s. She is eighteen years old and is going to college to be an English major. Tessa loves control, planning, and books. She's an introvert at heart, and “not like other girls” (i.e. dresses conservatively, is a virgin (the books words, not mine)). She has a shitty mom and a nice, preppy, boyfriend who is still in high school, and her life is completely planned out. That’s all turned upside down when the poster child for emotional abuse named Harden (harry styles) waltzes into her life during a frat party her first week of college. Your typical Wattpad/teen movie drama ensues.

(the actual review under the cut)

This review is chock full of spoilers for Anna Todd’s book After. If you want a good idea of what I thought about this book without any spoilers I’ll just say this: I can really honestly say I was never bored while listening to this book. However, that is not necessarily a good thing. Often times I was just too much in awe of the clunky writing and truly evil supposedly “redeemable” characters to be bored. On a one to five star scale, I’d probably give it a two. More on that later.

Here are the things I liked:

(this one is only applicable to the audiobook) the narrator was amazing, her voice acting was very appropriate (though she did tend to drop accents sometimes- but that is forgiven because of how otherwise amazing her line delivery was- especially considering the quality of the dialogue).

Landon and Dakota were my favorite characters, and even though they had no personalities beyond what they meant to Tess and how they interacted with Harden (Hardin? Again, I listened to the audiobook I’ve got no idea how to spell that lmao) they still made the book better to listen to.

Despite the repetition of plot/narrative structures I can happily say again that I was never really bored.

Okay moving on to more mixed-bag feelings:

So the last chapter was from Harden’s perspective, and I thought that was an interesting idea. Learning what one character thinks, especially since our protagonist is, how you say, a little bad at reading/interacting with other human people. However the execution left something to be desired for me. It quite literally was just the exact same scene we just saw from the previous chapter, but from Hardens perspective instead of Tess’s. Which was just ended up being unnecessarily repetitive at times.

I liked how Tessa tried to be less judgmental throughout the book, however her growth is very, very limited.

I liked the fact that they mentioned they used condoms in pretty much every sex scene, and that most of the time clear verbal consent/clear nonverbal consent was given for the sexual stuff. That does not happen often in books, especially in fan fiction from what I understand.

I like that Tess does stand up for herself, while I could sometimes see myself comparing her to Bella Swan considering how much of her personality does kind of revolve around her relationship with Harden, she certainly was more vocal about her feelings. And boy, did she have a lot of feelings.

Moving on to the things I didn’t like, this is probably going to be a mix on writing, characters, and plot points so bear with me. (I’m saving my many thoughts on the twist for last)

Okay so a big number one is the biggest plot driver, the love story. So, I feel like it goes without saying, but the main relationship is SUPER unhealthy. Harden constantly stalks, manipulates, and bullies Tess throughout the whole book. He is pretty much abusive, using her caring for him to his own advantage and then dropping her when it suits him. Plus his hyper-sexualization of her “virtue” is really really nasty. Tess pretty much cries in every interaction they have together, and even acknowledges how toxic their relationship is, and yet I’m supposed to root for them? Hmm… I don’t think so

The near constant slut shaming and girl hate in this book bothers me, especially when it’s mixed with the hints of “I’m not like other girls” from Tess

The character descriptions kinda weird me out considering how much Harden is described like Harry Styles, like literally a tumblr punk edit of Harry Styles

The dialogue is… bad. To all the writers out there (myself included) make sure you read your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds natural, that way if your Wattpad fanfiction ever does get published, and your book is adapted into audiobook, you’ll avoid a situation like this one. Because, especially listening to it, the dialogue in this book is really really bad. Honest to god it sounds like robots imitating humans are talking to each other, only they’re trying to convince the other robots that they are humans. For some reason Anna Todd avoided using contractions for most of the book, making the characters sound unnatural and completely out of their predefined characters. Why would these college students not use words like “it’s” “we’ll” and “we’re”? It is truly astonishing, and it makes the few uses of contractions really distracting. Normally I don’t give a shit about grammar since I don’t really understand grammar, and normally grammatical errors aren’t that obvious when listening on audio, but the dialogue was seriously that bad.

The pacing was bad, that’s kinda all I have to say. It was generally too quick during plot development but then took a screeching halt for each fight/sex scene (of which there are many)

The repetition of certain words/phrases really got annoying. Everyone's always screaming, biting on their lip, or smirking. Harden is rude, as Tessa mentioned about eight million times, and Tessa finds his dirty talk arousing. We know this, because Todd uses those phrases about a billion times a chapter.

The sex scenes kind of grossed me out. I’m (in general) fine with sex, but the way the sex scenes were written seriously ucked me out. These college kids avoid using words like “penis” “dick” “pussy” etc. and use really really juvenile words like “down there” and “length”. Maybe this is a fanfiction thing, and I’ll admit that I have not read essentially any fanfiction, but it is truly a disturbing way to write sex. Especially since Tessa is written to have the experience and understanding of sex as like a child, not even understand what an orgasm is and unwilling to say words like penis or vagina, something our loverboy Harden is super attracted to, by the by.

I hate that this book uses “girl almost gets assaulted so man can come in and valiantly protect her” trope. It is super gross and I hate it. That’s kind of all I can say, the use of women's pain so that men can get some amount of redemption is awful.

More on Harden: I am sick of the “violent, broken man that I promise I can fix!” trope. It is used to justify and excuse abuse and I hate it. Tess is honestly scared of him several times in the book and it’s played as a personality quirk of his? Like everyone just accepts that’s how he is? I know for the most part we aren’t supposed to “like” him for the first part of the book, but it’s obvious that the author wants us to root for him and Tessa in some capacity. Especially with the inclusion of his perspective at the end, which in a way is exactly the kind of manipulation that he is into so idk. Also he is possessive despite the fact that they weren’t dating, and he is very clear he does not date. That’s already abuse, but of course there is more. On top of that he is cruel, and pretty stuck-up throughout the book- making him pretty much insufferable to me. And all of this shit just gets worse once the twist is introduced, and no amount of his whining from his chapter could at all change that.

The rest of the characters are all either boring, or the worst people you could ever meet. Tess’s mom, Molly, Jace, all really terrible to offset the horror of Harden. To almost justify what he does- because comparatively he doesn’t seem as bad (up until the twist).

The twist. Dear god the twist. So, as it goes it isn’t an extremely inspired twist. I’ve seen it done before in a similar way (I’m looking at you, Ten Things I Hate About You). For those who are wondering: the big twist is that Harden only really pursued Tess in the beginning because after she revealed she is a virgin at a party early on in the book he makes a pricey bet with Zed (another side character only used to add ~drama~ to Tessa and Harden’s relationship) to see who can take her virginity. All of the subsequent bullying, possessiveness, manipulation, etc. were all a ploy to have sex with her before Zed could. I feel like it goes without saying that that’s disgusting, but let me tell you exactly why: at least if he was actually interested in her at first his weird behavior could possibly be passed off as hormones (I wouldn’t like it, but I’d understand it more if you’d try to make that argument), but the fact that it was all for a bet not only makes his disgusting actions worse, but makes the fact that he supposedly falls in love with her so much more annoying. Plus, the fact that he literally tries to trap Tessa in a lease so she can’t leave him, and tries to bribe his friends into silence really shows how little he actually cares about Tessa and her thoughts and feelings.

So, why two stars? Honestly, because I was entertained (for lack of a better word) by this book. Maybe if I actually read it and not just listened to the audiobook it my rating would be lower, maybe if there was just one more sex scene to slow down the pace I would have been more bored. Who knows, but I was entertained. Sometimes by how terrible the dialogue is, by how astonishing the characters decisions were, sometimes by the actual plot. It’s like watching a shitty soap opera, it’s not good by any means, but it certainly keeps your attention.

#pj speaks #book review #after book #after book review

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sunny-jac-blog · 6 years ago

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Take It Out On Me (Modern Barlyle)

hey guys! ok so this was originally inspired by a song i love (Take it Out On Me - Florida Georgia Line) but i kinda changed some things around a bit ?? idk have some barlyle ft. nervous kicked puppy phil

also pls don't hate me i love carlwheeler a whole lot but the only way it would make sense and to have them break up pls forgive me (also i am so sorry for not having cuts im only on tumblr mobile love yall sorry for long posts ack)

Word Count: 1.5k

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“What’d she do this time?”

Phillip shrugged as he pushed past Phineas, who had been holding his apartment door open. He had been getting a lot of visits from Phillip recently, to talk about Anne, and something she did or said or made him feel. Mostly, they had been good, but recently things had been tense, and Phillip hadn't come to Phineas's apartment in two weeks.

When he saw the tear streaks on Phillip's cheeks, he knew that there was no getting better.

“She-... She broke up with me, Phin. Last week. I tried convincing her we could work through it, but--” He took a deep breath, shaking his head. “She… she said that she would rather end things and go back to being friends. Which I'm fine with, don't get me wrong, I don't care, as long as she's still in my life, but--”

“--You still have feelings for her,” Phineas finished, and sighed. “I'm sorry to hear what happened, Phillip… Why so suddenly?” He glanced over and bit his lip as he walked to the couch, gesturing for Phillip to sit next to him with a sigh. He moved the remote away as the younger man crossed the room, sitting with his arms crossed.

“She told me that she had other things that she needed to focus on first, and she needed to focus on herself more right now. And- And I get that, and I agree, because she's been kinda distant lately, so I'm completely fine with this. It's just… It’s the fact that I can't get over her. I can't get my mind off of her, no matter how hard I try, and I know I shouldn't be upset that we broke up, but… I-I can't help it.” Phillip sighed, running a hand through his hair as he shook his head. He looked up at the ceiling and crossed his legs.

Phineas gulped. He thought for a moment, and shrugged. “Well, Phillip, I… I wish I could say it gets easier, but breakups can be kind of hard…” He sat up, looking at him with a sympathetic smile. “What you need is a distraction. Get some of your friends, go- go on a roadtrip or something, maybe hit a few strip clubs, hook up with someone new. It doesn't have to be a relationship--”

“You know I'm not that kind of man, Phineas,” Phillip sighed. He stood, shaking his head. “This was a mistake, I should go, I'm sorry.”

“Wait, Phillip,” Phineas sighed and stood, tugging his wrist gently. As he looked down at Phillip's wide eyes, he couldn't help but gulp. Phineas found himself taking a slow step forward, sliding his hand down his arm. He chose his next words carefully. He let out a soft breath, and clasped Phillip's hand.

“Let me be your distraction.”

There was a moment of silence. Five seconds. Phillip seemed to be unresponsive, thinking something over. Phineas started to pull his hand away. Phillip gripped it tighter, took his free hand and grabbed Phineas's red t-shirt, and roughly tugged him down into a burning kiss.

Instantly, Phineas's was pulling Phillip closer, one hand on his hip while the other threaded through Phillip's hair. He pulled back from the kiss long enough to look into his eyes, and leaned down, gently kissing Phillip's jaw.

Phillip let out a soft groan, his hands resting on Phineas's chest. “Phineas, what-- What are we doing?” He asked breathlessly, and quickly pulled back, looking up at Phin with a nervous gaze. “...I- I can't do this, not now, I'm sorry,” He whispered, looking at him for a few moments more, before hurrying to the door, quietly closing it behind him.

_______________________________________

The next time Phillip saw Phineas, it was a week later. He hadn't left his apartment since going to Phineas's, and after that kiss, he was terrified. Terrified that Phineas would be pissed at him, terrified that he would get hurt again so soon.

And, most importantly, he was terrified of how the kiss had made him feel. For that brief moment, the kiss made him feel as if he was on top of the world, all thoughts of Anne vanished from view. Truth be told, he couldn't stop thinking about it, about him. Phineas was on his mind when he woke, and was the last thought Phillip had when he drifted off to sleep.

He had been writing non-stop since the kiss, and now had five drafts for five different “stories” that would never be seen by the public. That morning, around four a.m., he opened a new document on Google docs, shaking as he typed.

‘His lips were a blazing fire, leaving me burned in their tracks. He had caused me so many feelings that I knew I couldn't deny, and while intoxicated under his kiss, I was powerless. Even now as I lie awake, my mind goes back to the one encounter we shared, and I feel all over again. I love him.’

He stared at the words on the screen. Slowly, he deleted the last three words of the paragraph, shut his laptop, placed it off to the side, and went to bed.

_______________________________________

When they finally saw each other again, it was a chance encounter. Phillip had been at a coffee shop alone, staring at his laptop as he attempted to read through some critic's views about his latest published work. Since quitting the play scene and joining Phineas's lesser known entertainment company, Phillip hadn't been doing much writing, but that had all changed recently. He scoffed as he read a particularly harsh line, glancing up as the door opened.

When he saw Phineas walk in, he froze. Phin glanced around, spotting him and hesitating before walking over. He sat in the seat in front of Phillip, gulping. ”Phillip, we need to talk.”

One. Two. Three.

When phillip opened his eyes again and saw Phineas there still, he nodded and rubbed his forehead. There was no way he could run away now- he had to figure out this mess.

“Can we talk somewhere private?” Phillip asked with a sigh, standing. “My apartment is a few blocks away. Let's go.”

The walk there was silent. Phillip refused to speak, and Phineas didn't know what to even begin to say. Once at the building, Phillip walked inside, gesturing for Phineas to follow. He walked to the elevator quickly, before going to the eighth floor.

His apartment was neat. Stylized. It was decorated in shades of gold, red, black and white, and looked extremely classy. Phineas didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't that.

And he surely didn't expect Phillip to push him against the door, pull him down, and kiss him.

He had no complaints about either realization.

As he kissed back, Phineas wrapped his arms around Phillip's waist, pulling him closer. Phillip ran his hands through Phineas's hair, down his sides, up his arms- he wouldn't stop touching him, as if he were making sure that he was even real.

Phineas slowly pulled back from the kiss and took Phillip's fidgety hands, looking down at him. “Is- Is everything alright?” He asked softly.

“I couldn't stop thinking about you. I shouldn't have left, Phin, I--... I'm sorry,” Phillip murmured as he looked up at him. He looked almost vulnerable. Like he was afraid that Phineas would laugh in his face and leave.

“Phillip,” Phineas started, gently cupping his cheek. “you don't have to apologize. I understand.”

“I know, it’s just- I don't know, you make me nervous.” Phillip mumbled. He slowly walked to the couch and sat down, and Phineas followed. Phillip could've sworn to see a smirk on his face, and he gently whacked his shoulder, rolling his eyes. “Don't laugh at me, Phin.”

“What- I'm not laughing! I'm not laughing,” He smiled at Phillip, rubbing his shoulder. “Don't hit me.”

“I can hit you if I want to hit you!”

“Phillip. You're the size of a kitten.”

“I hate you.”

“They why did you kiss me, hm?”

Phillip started to respond, but he groaned and rubbed his forehead, a slight grin on his face. “Will you shut up? I kissed you because-... Because, I, uh… I like you, I think.”

“Well, it's about damn time,” Phineas murmured, grinning as he pulled Phillip closer. At this point, Phillip wa as almost on top of him. Phillip cupped his cheek and leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips, before pulling back with a wide grin.

Phineas raised a brow. He smiled up at him, resting his hands on Phillip's waist. “What's that grin for, hm? Are you planning something?”

“...Does your offer still stand?”

“My- My offer?”

Phillip looked up at him and smirked softly. He leaned in closer, their lips barely touching, his fingers playing with the hem of Phineas's shirt as he whispered, “Will you be my distraction, Phin?”

Phineas only chuckled and pulled him in for a deeper kiss, deciding that maybe he could get used to this.

#the greatest showman #phillip carlyle #phineas taylor barnum #pt barnum #p.t. barnum #barlyle #barlyle fic #kicked puppy phillip carlyle #tgs #the greatest showman fanfic #anne wheeler #long reads #long post #jacque.writes #my writing

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allwaswell16 · 6 years ago

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Annual Writing Self Evaluation

I was tagged by @louandhazaf <3 Thanks, Nic!

1. List of works published this year:

Faded From This Touch | 7k

No Easy Love (Could Make Me Feel This Way) | 17k

Running Through a Cloud of Steam | 5k

And Follow the Sun | 100 words

I Didn’t Fall For You (You Fucking Tripped Me) | 20k

Every Piece of You (It Just Fits Perfectly) | 7k

Maybe I’ve Been California Dreaming | 100 words

Dive (Series) | 21k

When the Sun Won’t Let You Sleep | 30k

Sit Next To Me | 12k

Falling Back | 100 words

If I Loved You Less | 36k

Staring Across Barcelona | 7k

Charity Ficlets | 10k

Pictures of You | Drarry | 2k

I saw someone add some stats here that I found interesting, so I’m going to include that here:

I published 15 works for a total of 199,784 words (not including some drabbles that are only published to tumblr.) Hmmm, I’m realizing my stats might be skewed because of an epilogue I wrote for a fic from last year. Oh well, I was told there would be no maths, so I’m not going to figure it out now. Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m realizing I have counted the Dive series as one work, but ao3 counts it as 5 or however many of them there are. Blah. No one check my maths please.

10 fics rated Explicit, 3 Mature, 3 Teen, 2 General and 1 Not Rated. All were Larry except for one Drarry fic.

My most popular fic this year was I Didn’t Fall For You (You Fucking Tripped Me), which is also the most popular thing I’ve written ever. Why? I have no idea. You guys are weird. I’m not weird at all for writing about monitor lizards. My second most popular fic was If I Loved You Less, which is telling me you guys like a/b/o fics, maybe? idk.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Probably When the Sun Won’t Let You Sleep. That fic consumed me while I wrote it. I constantly thought about it, and the characters talked to me all the time in my head. I knew them inside and out. When I first came up with the idea of Antarctic research scientists, I had no idea what the story was really going to be about until I started researching the British Antarctic Survey. There are so many stories to be told from the absolute ends of the earth that I had no idea existed. The fic became a story of why Louis found himself in Antarctica, but he’s not an entirely reliable narrator of his story. The other characters help you figure out why he’s really come to the ends of the earth.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I wouldn’t say I’m not proud of anything I wrote this year, but I’m a bit mystified by the popularity of I Didn’t Fall For You (You Fucking Tripped Me). To me it was just some silly thing I wrote to fulfill a couple of prompts that I put together. I had fun writing it though! And it’s always fun to have lots of people talk to you about a fic, so that was nice, too!

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

(From If I Loved You Less)

Louis’ heart pounded at the sudden intimacy of a darkened garden, although other couples strolled through the lantern lit pathway.

“I hope I was not interrupting you in the ballroom.”

Lord Styles’ voice sent a shiver through him that Louis could never quite control whilst in his presence. “No, you did not, and I thank you for coming to my aid.”

“Ah, I sensed you were in need of it,” he said simply as he offered Louis a sly smile. It seemed they were both in agreement on Baron Winston. The music of a waltz floated through the air, and Lord Styles hesitated on the stone path. “Shall we return for our dance?”

“If you’d like to,” Louis said, though a bit reluctant to leave this small oasis from the heated ballroom and if he were honest with himself, reluctant to sever this small moment of privacy with Lord Styles.

“I would rather walk and speak of nearly any topic rather than return to the ball,” Lord Styles declared.

“Is that right?” Louis ducked his head to hide his smile at Lord Styles’ honesty. He quite liked that he seemed always so forthright.

“Yes, and I’d dearly like to spend my time elsewhere.”

“Why don’t you?” Louis asked boldly as he looked back up at Lord Styles’ handsome profile, almost sure of the answer.

Lord Styles’ lips pursed a bit and he made a funny twitch of his nose as though to prevent a grin from spreading across his face.

“I think you know why,” he whispered into the darkness.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I had the opportunity to write a fic for @greatpemberly this year as part of @1dfanworksforcharity and when I discovered what her ao3 was, I was so so happy. I recognized her ao3 immediately as someone who has been reading and commenting on my fics for years. It was an honor to write for someone who has supported me for so long.

I feel extremely lucky to have the response I’ve had to my fics in general and to get the comments I receive. I respond to every single comment, and I appreciate every single one. The long ones with people yelling about specific parts make me grin like an idiot, and the short ones letting me know they’ve read or reread something show up in my ao3 emails and bring a smile to my face, too. Whenever I get a comment from a writer I admire, I try not to make a fool of myself in the response but I don’t always succeed. lol. I mean, come on, if Dolce comments on your fic, you get to dance around your kitchen for a while, right?

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I had a meltdown in November. I was trying to do nanowrimo and I’d written 27k of my Big Bang for next year and was kicking ass really. However, my Big Bang is angsty, and it was way too intense for me to try and write that much difficult writing in that amount of time. It messed with my head in a way fic has never messed with it before. It scared me a little. So I quit nano halfway through, and it was definitely the right thing to do for my mental health.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Niall and Shawn in If I Loved You Less. When I started writing that fic, I had basically no notes on what Shawn was like and only a vague idea of what Niall was like, but as soon as I started writing it, they threatened constantly to just take over the fic. lol. My beta said when I started, if I was sure I wasn’t writing a Shiall fic.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Just the act of writing so much last year and this year has helped me hone my skills a bit. There are things about how I write now that isn’t present in my earlier fics. And it’s simply from just writing so much that it gets easier to create a more well rounded story, I think. When I structure a story now, my outline isn’t just a series of points anymore. I’m much better I think at coming up with the story arc so that I can focus more on characters. Taggiecb really helped me with “inner monologue” and calling me out when I wasn’t doing it. lol. I also wrote a fic in past tense this year for the first time, which was a much bigger challenge than I ever thought it would be.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I just hope to keep writing and reading as much as possible! I think the fics I have planned are ambitious in different ways, so I hope to keep challenging myself.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

My answer is always @taggiecb. I don’t know if anyone understands that every single thing I write must first pass her initial test. I write first to entertain her and then I think about myself and everyone else. haha. We’re not co-dependent at all! But truly no one understands me like she does and no one loves my writing like she does, and it’s definitely mutual. <3

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Always. Every fic has something of me in it.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I hope to just encourage writers to seek out other writers for support if they need it. Writing doesn’t have to be something you do alone. If you’re having trouble getting people to read your stuff, I’d say to write for challenges and exchanges. I wrote for so many over the last few years, and I really think that’s where a lot of people found my fics. This certainly isn’t new wisdom, but I think it helps to write and read as often as possible. The more you write, the better you’ll become at the craft of writing. The more you read, the more inspired you’ll become. If you don’t read the other fics in your fandom, you will miss out on finding new and exciting things to write and reminding yourself on what you can work on to get better. The reading is nearly as important as the writing.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’m in the middle of writing my Big Bang fic right now. So that’s what I’ll be working on until it’s done. It’s an intense amnesia au that has a twist to it. Hopefully, I can pull it off. It will likely be the longest thing I’ve written.

@afirethatcannotdie and I are going to run another round of @larryabroad, so actually, Ellie, we need to get on organizing that again soon. haha.

I have two other fics that I have plotted that I’d like to write in 2019. One is probably for the @1000feelingsfics challenge and is a soulmate au based on a drabble I wrote for the Fall Drabble Challenge. The other is a bucket list au that involves a lot of travel, so maybe that could be for Larry Abroad. Not for sure on that yet.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@goodmorningtoyouuniverse @rosegoldhlfics @phd-mama @becomeawendybird @taggiecb @helloamhere @hereforlou @2tiedships2 @humhalleloujah @dimpled-halo I tagged more than 3 because everyone should do this if they want! If you see this and want to do it, just say I tagged you! <3

*All answers should be about works published in 2018. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

(also, here’re my responses from 2016, 2017)

#annual writing self evaluation #thanks alex for coming up with this years ago!#we're still out here using it!#larry fan fiction #larry fan fic #self rec #fic rec

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suggestionsofthecaribbean · 6 years ago

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Chat: Girls’ Night

Feat. @lizzyswann-turnersuggestions, @giselletortugasuggestions, @anamariasuggestions, & @angelicasuggestions

TL;DR: The girls of the reluctant Jack Sparrow Rescue Mission join for a night of drinking wine, dragging Jack, and offering advice on each other’s love lives whether it’s been asked after or not.

Come to see Angelica and Anamaria become the hottest it couple of the Caribbean, learn Elizabeth’s true feelings on James Norrington and discover a truly horrifying secret only Giselle can impart...

Elizabeth had never hosted a party. She had been the guest of honor at a few parties her father had thrown for her birthday, and that when she was younger - when she was old enough to host her own parties, her friends had largely moved or married out of Port Royal society. Too proud to ask either James or Giselle for advice this time on how to adapt Port Royal party customs to a quartet of cool pirates, she decided on several basic necessities: food; drink, both alcoholic and otherwise; some kind of rag in case there was a spill; the potential props in order to play games, but kept out of the way so that no one felt obligated; company (so adieu, Captain Norrington, girls only); and, naturally, rules. She was explaining that to the first arrivals on the scene. Elizabeth (to whom it may concern): Teasing is tolerated, bullying is not. If you want to behave like one of the men you can go sit with them if you like. I will be very clear on this point: if anyone wakes in the morning with something written on her head, so help me God, we will find the culprit and we will dunk her." [mood shifting out of Pirate King mode] ...But I think that covers it.[Giselle puts her hand up] Giselle: Can we write elsewhere? Angelica: Can we write on the guys if/when they fall asleep? Ana: I was gonna suggest no writing on people without permission but I’m in if we are writing on the guys. Elizabeth: [pointing at Giselle] Excellent question! No. [pointing at Angelica, then Ana] Hang on a minute. What guys are going to be here? Angelica: Not here, on the rest of the ship. We can sneak out when it gets dark Elizabeth: I dunno if that's really covered by the all-girl-party rules. I was just sort of thinking of establishing ground rules - ground here being my cabin. Outside of it you can do what you like, can't you? Angelica: That sounds fair Angelica: Also I brought wine, if anyone's interested [Giselle gives a thumbs up, already getting into the snacks] Ana: Works for me! And I’ll take a glass. Angelica, pouring wine for Ana: So what do you usually do on a girl's night? Giselle, mouth stuffed full: Not have sex with men. Elizabeth: [poker face] Ana: It was rare we’d ever have one, but I grew up with four older sisters. We would talk shit about the boys around town, do each other’s hair sometimes, drink. Angelica: That sounds lovely Angelica: and not having sex with men can definitely be accomplished Elizabeth: ...yeah, mostly gossip and drink. Discuss - [cough] - discuss anything you're not supposed to be discussing in mixed company. Angelica: it's okay you can say sex life Angelica: how's the former navy man? [Giselle manifests popcorn] [Anamaria chokes on her drink trying not to laugh] [Angelica sips wine] Elizabeth: [turning red] ..... as he is your captain, I don't know if it would be, hm, civil to discuss it- Angelica: how about we all tell each other a secret, to make things fair for poor lizzie? Giselle: Well it's not like we can't hear it Elizabeth: [loudly whispering] GISELLE Ana: Can’t say I’m not disappointed to not hear that gossip, but we don’t all have to talk about anything we’re not comfortable with. This is supposed to be a fun night, no stress. Ana: Or men. Which is like the same thing. Angelica: cheers to that Elizabeth: [takes a big swallow of wine and elects to stay silent] Giselle: Well, in terms of secrets, I'm willing to share some Angelica: Oh? Giselle: [takes a delicate sip of wine] i was once part a group of ladies brought in to entertain some fancy pirate lords Elizabeth: [leaning in from where she's decided to sit] Anyone i know? Ana: [gets comfortable, grinning] Oh God here we go! Angelica: I fear the worst Giselle: i think i'm the only one what can claim to have undone both jack sparrow AND his father Elizabeth: Angelica: That might be the worst sentence I've ever heard, are you okay sweetie? Giselle: a bit itchy sometimes but overall alright Angelica: I can imagine Ana: I have no words. I kind of want to high five you and also forget I ever heard that. Angelica: I second that Ana: Does Jack know?? Giselle: don't think they talk much Giselle: kinda want to see his face when he finds out Ana: That’s exactly what I was thinking Angelica: I brought him up once and jack straight up left Angelica: just walked out Ana: Oh. I’ve only ever heard stories about his father, but never from him... Elizabeth: If it's not too forward - how do you know Jack? Angelica: Let's just say it's his fault that I'm not a nun anymore Ana: He DIDN’T. Of course he did. Elizabeth: [unintentionally melodramatic hand-pressed-to-heart reaction] Angelica: I learned the hard way that Spanish monasteries take chastity very seriously Elizabeth: ... I am so sorry. Ana: I swear to God he ruins everything he comes across. [rolls eyes and takes a drink] Elizabeth: I don't have anything even comparable to that, but he did try to trade my hus- [winces, collects herself] He tried to trade my ex-husband to Davy Jones to free his own soul. And lied to me about it the whole time, letting me think he was doing everything in his power to save the man i loved, who had been cruelly forced into service by Jones. He was just using all of us to get to the heart of Davy Jones, and he didn't care what became of us along the way. Ana: I...I’m so sorry you were treated that way. He can be a complete bastard. Sometimes he even takes pride in it...but I can’t imagine he’s proud of all that. That doesn’t make what he did any better though. Giselle: ………we should leave him to rot Ana: I sometimes wonder why we don’t. He owes me a debt, at least, is what I say my reason is for going after him. Elizabeth: ...Beckett's got warrants for our - I mean mine, Will's and James' - executions... all because we helped Jack out of his own. Elizabeth: I don't know, I guess if he just dies somewhere it's like it was all for nothing. Angelica: And I thought he fucked my life up Angelica: Are you guys okay? Elizabeth: I'm the Pirate King. I'm fine. [hesitates and chews on her lower lip] ... I don't know about James so much. Angelica: Well he's got the bastard himself pursuing him despite everything Angelica: Can't be much fun Angelica: why are we even talking about him, I thought this was girl's night?Angelica: Can't we shift the conversation to something more uplifting Elizabeth: I mean, it's certainly an icebreaker - he's the one thing we all have in common. Ana: Can you imagine how terrified he’s going to be when he comes back to find we’re all friends? Angelica: God you're right about that Angelica: Must be his worst nightmare Ana: We have to scare the SHIT out of him! Angelica: Honestly the only thing that he'd find worse than this would be if we were dating or something Angelica: So I think we're good to go Ana: [winks] Line up, I’ve got two secret admirers already. Elizabeth: [turns extremely red at that one and crams pretzels into her mouth] Angelica: That you do, any updates on that by the way? Ana: No. One’s a naval officer but it’s not James obviously so who even knows. And the other one’s part of the crew, but God knows who it is. Angelica: Yeah I have no clue to be honest Angelica: What do the rest of you think? Elizabeth: [shrugs broadly] As you put it, Anamaria, I've never had a secret admirer, and I don't know the first thing about them. Ana: Alright. But you or James probably know the crew better than I do, so if you ever have a theory let me know. Angelica: This is like a mystery novel Elizabeth: The real mystery is how any of these men learned how to write poetically. Angelica: How do we know if it's a man? Angelica: I mean the naval officer, obviously Giselle: [defensively] nehemiah's a poet! what with his hashtags and quips Elizabeth: [patting her on the arm] Yes, but he's not writing Anamaria, because he's taken. Giselle: [glances between anamaria and angelica, stuffing popcorn in her mouth - SHE HAS THEORIES] Angelica: [sips wine] I'm just saying Ana: I mean it’s either a guy or one of us, if they’re on the crew. Or they could be lying. Angelica: If it's jack I'm going to throw myself in the sea Ana: Pfffft he would have his work cut out for him if he tried. And it doesn’t seem to be his ghost messages so I think I’m in the clear Angelica: Oh that's right he does That Giselle: you should look for hidden messages Giselle: like them emoji Elizabeth: Like, the emojis being clues to the identity of the sender? Giselle: yes! we're all pirates, we're supposed to do hidden clues and such Angelica: idk guys this doesn't look like it could lead to anything Angelica: pretty normal looking if you ask me Giselle: it's a star Giselle: stars shine bright in the night Giselle: so do…… lighthouses!! it's a lighthouse keeper!!! Elizabeth: [wanting to preserve Giselle's feelings but not on board with this] I think it might just be an emoji they think is very nice. Elizabeth: Maybe you should ask Nehemiah! He knows, I'm sure, lots about emojis. Angelica: do we know any lighthouse keepers? Angelica: It sounds like a Solid theory to me Ana: I’m gonna agree with Elizabeth on this one Elizabeth: If they haven't conveyed their identity yet, I'm sure they have a good reason. Angelica: They might be scared or something idk Elizabeth: When my - it took Will a long time to tell me he loved me. He had to be sure how I felt about him. There was... It doesn't matter anymore. Nevermind. Angelica: Aw hun, you don't have to think about that Angelica: Do you want some wine? Elizabeth: Thanks, but I should probably watch how much I drink. Angelica: Fair enough, that means it's more for me Elizabeth: ...anyway. They'll tell you when they're ready, I know it. Angelica: Let's hope they do Elizabeth: They just want to be sure she'll accept them for who they are. Angelica: Oh yes I'm sure Angelica: If you got to choose, who would you want them to be, ana? Ana: I wouldn’t even know, I was always working with family, or just working so much I hardly cared. Never really thought about love. Ana: My dad left my mom when I was really young so I guess I just never thought it was worth enough to go looking for love. I haven’t been unhappy without romance. [shrugs] Angelica: I understand that, though in my experience that's just something that men do Elizabeth: [chatting w giselle about james' clothes lol] Angelica: No offense to you two, liz, Giselle Angelica: I'm sure your boys are fine Elizabeth: ...yeah, I'm usually the guilty party. Angelica: Oh really? Elizabeth: .... Exited an engagement to get engaged to someone else. Annulled that marriage to get with someone else again. [beat] ...Kissed Jack during the second engagement. But it was to kill him, so, you know.[avoiding everyone's eyes] And.... even in a good place, I still think about other people. It's. [huff] It's confusing. Angelica: Maybe you're just not meant for monogamy? I've met plenty of people who made alternatives work Elizabeth: [mumbling] I don't think that's it. Giselle: i feel like it's okay to kiss someone outside your engagement if it means jack sparrow dies Angelica: Oh I'm totally with you on that one Giselle: but aside from that, i'm happy with how slow things are going with nehemiah - ain't never met anyone what didn't want to get my knickers off as quick as they could Angelica: But from what I can tell, that's not always the case is it? Ana: One of my older sisters used to say she was “window shopping”—she didn’t feel bad about looking at attractive men as long as she didn’t “make a purchase” while she was with another. Angelica: That's quite the philosophy, and completely understandable Elizabeth: .....Or attractive women. Angelica: Oh cheers to that Angelica: Being attracted to women is 90% of my life honestly Elizabeth: [peeping up at her in relief, and also... more relief] So that's - that's completely normal? Angelica: I mean if you ask me, it totally is Angelica: Maybe you should ask your man if he's up for a threesome? That way you could get in touch with some ladies Elizabeth: [COLORING] That's not really- nevermind. Angelica: It’s not for everyone, I get that Ana: [lets out a breath] I hadn’t even noticed that I found women attractive until someone thought to ask. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Giselle: i mean, threesomes are alright, i ain't never had a problem being with the ladies, but you had to share the money after… Angelica: Thought threesomes would cost extra? Giselle: they do Giselle: they do Giselle: i just don't like sharing my money Angelica: fair enough Elizabeth: [laughs out loud] Ana: [chuckling] I mean, you earned it, I get that. Angelica: [nodding in agreement] You worked hard Elizabeth: ...Giselle, have you ever been in love? Before Nehemiah, I mean. Giselle: love's a bit of a fool's game in my old line of work, y'know? they start askin for free what you can charge ten shillins for Elizabeth: What'd you charge Jack? Angelica: I could have charged him?? Giselle: [huffs quite loudly and mutters into her wine] not enough considerin Ana: If I’d charged him he probably would’ve stolen it back anyway. Angelica: That's true Angelica: He's tricky like that Angelica: did he leave anything behind when he passed away btw? Anamaria: Whatever, I was using him for sex right back, would’ve evened out if he didn’t take my boat Elizabeth: I don't know how, but I heard Tia Dalma has what's left of him. Ana: Did someone loot the body? Angelica: Isn't she the swamp witch? Feels a little weird to leave a dead body with her Elizabeth: .... was it. Was it any good? Ana: ...I don’t like to talk about it because I hate admitting that it was. He doesn’t need to know that. Elizabeth: [presses her hands over her mouth and lets out a little squeal] I want to know about it though! Elizabeth: I'm the only woman here who hasn't- you know. Angelica: [nodding] I'm not saying it was worth it but all I'm saying is that his mouth is good for more than talking Angelica: The mustache does tickle tho Elizabeth: [is gonna die] Ana: ...yeah I’m gonna pass that question off to Angelica and Giselle. I only ever did it the once anyway. Angelica: For the record I'd like to inform you all that I'm better than him Elizabeth: [moves her hands from covering her mouth to just burying her entire face in her palms] Angelica: I do hope your little navy man takes good care of you sweetheart Angelica: I always say that if he won't go down on you he's not worth your time Elizabeth: [muffled groan] Angelica: [sips wine] Ana: We could be your wingmen if you need it? I can’t tell if you’re embarrassed or upset because your face is covered. Angelica: I can make a powerpoint if you want Angelica: to show james Ana: He seems in love enough he’d probably do whatever to please you. Elizabeth: [pulling her hands down, composing herself immediately, after a moment to sniff as though she was on the verge of crying] I'm good. It's - we're good. Thank you. Elizabeth: [glances at Anamaria with a particularly fond smile at her statement that James looooves her] [because aww] Angelica: Eating ya girl out is part of being in love, everyone knows this Angelica: Just fyi if anyone here is thinking of dating me Elizabeth: [lifts just one hand to hier brow to make it out like she's scratching her temple but is really just momentarily avoiding Angelica's eyes] Angelica: [sips wine] Ana: Maybe if I did date someone the secret admirers would finally speak up about who they were.. Angelica: That might be uh, that could work maybe possibly Ana: I wouldn’t want to use someone like that, though. I dunno, stupid idea. Elizabeth: [hands end up clasped over her mouth again, but she doesn't say anything much] Angelica: I mean I could help you, if you want Angelica: That's what friends are for, right? Ana: What, like, fake date? You’d be okay with that? Angelica: Yeah, totally! :) If it helps us find the admirer then any tactic is good Angelica: plus it might scare jack Ana: That WOULD be hilarious. I mean, if you’re sure you’re okay with it, it’s worth a shot? Angelica: I don't see why not :)))) as long as you're comfortable with it Ana: Alright. I’m sorry I’ll probably be pretty awkward, I haven’t been in a relationship in ages Angelica: Oh no I'm sure you'll do great ️Angelica: So uh Angelica: Do we announce it? Ana: I guess so...? Elizabeth what did you do when you and James started seeing each other? Elizabeth: I... don't know that there's anything to compare to this. Angelica: If we want the admirer to see it we can't be discreet, right? Ana: I guess not, I just don’t really know what to post. It’s not like tumblr has a relationship status thing Elizabeth: Oh, hell. [laughs, albeit a little tensely] Elizabeth: Actually. I think that's nearly the same as this. Ana: [concerned] Elizabeth, are you alright? Elizabeth: I'm fine. There's just a whole lot of irony going around. Angelica: If you talk about it, maybe you'll feel better? Elizabeth: What's any of you know about James and I? Angelica: Not much, but if we knew more then we might be able to help you Angelica: We just want what's best for you darling Ana: I know you two are very close, he cares about you a lot. That’s about it. Elizabeth: Uh. Well. Elizabeth: James proposed to me in Port Royal the day I was first abducted by pirates. I accepted him after he rescued me later, but I was in love with somebody else and he let me go. Elizabeth: I didn't mean to end my entire marriage for him. I wish I could say I did. But it just sort of happened when Will and I met up and I told him how I was feeling. Elizabeth: Then, you know, James showed up in Tortuga and they tried to lynch him. I put a stop to that, and - more or less, people thought I was getting some... Use out of him. So yeah. Elizabeth: [back to business] Same as you, pretty much. We faked it really. I was only keeping him in my room since I thought somebody might try to finish hanging him if they got him alone. Angelica: So it was a bit of a coincidence, is what you're saying? Elizabeth: A huge one! Imagine if he'd showed up just a little earlier than I did. I'd have been too late. Angelica: Oh yeah he'd be dead af Ana: So are you saying it’s still kinda fake now? Elizabeth: It's pretty real now. I just don't know where it's going. Angelica: Well are you happy? Do you love him? Elizabeth: I'm. I'm not sure. Elizabeth: I'm not sure if I've ever really been in love. Elizabeth: [covers her eyes again as though she's getting a headache] Let's not talk about me. Angelica: No but sweetie, we need to solve this Angelica: You look like it's really eating you up [she puts her arms around liz] Elizabeth: [groans, inwardly, outwardly, globally, spiritually, on the astral plane, etc] Elizabeth: I've said I love him, but I don't know what I feel. Except guilt! I feel so much guilt! Angelica: I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but you might need some time to work on yourself darling Angelica: I'm not necessarily saying you should call things quits completely, but it sounds like this could end up being bad for both you and James Elizabeth: I can't do that to him. I was just talking to him about us. Angelica: Listen, you can't move things too fast if you're not sure about this. Whatever you decide to do, that's one point I cannot stress enough Ana: Sorting through your emotions on your own time, either by yourself or with people you’re comfortable with, doesn’t mean you have to leave James behind, or even go on a break. Elizabeth: Angelica, if i took that advice, I would be on an island in the Caribbean somewhere, starving. With Jack Sparrow. Elizabeth: I've spent the last three years of my life moving too fast. Angelica: Then maybe it's time to calm down a little. Focus on your career or something Elizabeth: But I do care about him. Elizabeth: And it's not Jack that ruined his life, it's me. I did that. Elizabeth: He let Jack go because I stepped in and asked him. Elizabeth: Hell. If I had married him, he might not have chased Jack into a hurricane, either. Elizabeth: I owe him a lot. And he needs my protection - he worked for Beckett for a year and no one trusts him. Angelica: Sweetie, you can't be in a relationship just because you feel like you owe the guy something. That's not healthy and certainly not fair to him Angelica: With your position I'm sure you can grant him some form of protection, as for what you owe him there are other ways to pay that debt off Elizabeth: [a little stubbornly] It's not the only reason. It's part of the reason. Angelica: A reason still, you should never feel like you owe a significant other anything Angelica: How would you feel if it were the other way around? Elizabeth: If James felt that he owed me? Angelica: exactly Elizabeth: I think he does feel that he owes me. Angelica: Then that's no good either Elizabeth: [desperately] Do we really have to talk about this? Angelica: If it's making you uncomfortable then we don't have to, but I do think you should talk to someone about this Elizabeth: There's nothing to talk about. Angelica: [shrugging] if you say so... Elizabeth: [crossing her arms, but thankfully not evoking either pirate king or captain status to get her way, just sulking] I do. Angelica: Yeah I can tell :) Ana: Well I might be shit at relationship advice but I’m fantastic at changing the subject. We ranted about Jack already but we haven’t dragged Beckett? Angelica: The only thing I know about him is that he's short and a Bitch Giselle: short and obsessed with himself - we all, 'cept cap'n swann, ree-gret-ah-blee have a kom-man-al-ihtee with him Angelica: Oh really? And with that, Girls’ Night amiably returned to slumber-party standards: subjects were changed, wine was had by all, and eventually men’s faces were defaced with mysterious sigils such as approximations of the eggplant emoji and the exotic incantation only known as DEEZ NUTS... and what horrors it summons, none yet live who can speak of it.

#potcsuggestions #pirates of the caribbean #long post #ch: her majesty if you're nasty #ch: angelica #ch: anamaria #ch: lady mar-mah-lad #format: chat #pl: the black pearl

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citkats · 3 years ago

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Love, Victor and it's problems

Hello! First post here! I know this isn't a movie, instead of a show, but I feel like I have a few things I have the urge to spill out, so here it goes.

I've watched both seasons of Love, Victor and finished the second one the day it came out, June 11. It's now June, 26 and I've let a few thoughts and problems I've had about the show sit in my brain for a while now but they're starting to get antsy. Is the show really that serious to pick it apart and point out its flaws? No, it's supposed to be a cute little show about a boy exploring his sexuality, and I know that. But man I can't help myself, what else am I suppose to do this summer anyway? So, that being said, let's get started!

Actually, before I start I just wanted to get out of the way that I am a queer girl myself, who is also a teenager, so that is the type of viewpoint I am watching this show through. Do with that what you will :D Now we can get started, here are the three main problems I had with the show;

i. The Writing

The writing of this show is... something else to say the least. It has its good moments for sure, but man is it hard to get through an episode without cringing once or twice. Now I am no writer myself, so I can't judge too hard, but I wish the show didn't try to fit in so many pop culture references and twitter lingo to try and appeal to teens. It's so obvious while watching that the writers themselves only have a vague idea on how to use it. There is a scene of the show that is going around on twitter, instagram and tiktok where a character says something along the lines of "We stan you!" and "We're all gay AF!" (link below for the whole video).

.... like... what? My god my body collapsed in on itself when I heard that. I think the writers maybe tried to make the line of "We're gay AF" as a cringy joke to show how oblivious the character was, but the line "We will forever stan you" shows how oblivious the writers are to the use of the word "stan", or at least that's how it came off the way the actor said it. The line is said with no implication that it's supposed to be cringy or something to laugh at. I don't know if the writers were aware at the time that this is something teenagers do not say about or to their friends unless they purposely want to sound out of touch. Someone in the replies even said "In real life that won't happen ever" and they're correct. This is just one instance where the writing feels shaky but there are many more sprinkled throughout the show. This probably is super nitpicky but it's just so prevalent in the show that I felt that I had to write about it.

ii. The Love Interests

Now on to another problem, The characters of Rahim & Benji. Let's start off with Benji. He serves as the love interest for the main character Victor, which is fine! It's great! Except it isn't because that's all Benji is... a love interest. He barely has any personality and the only three things I know about him are that he is gay, is in a band, and is a recovering alcoholic. With those three things, there is so much to do with his character. They mention in the show that his dad wasn't too happy when he came out, and brought him to a strip club in order to make him "straight". I thought maybe the show would show how his relationship with his dad has been damaged and how they're slowly trying to repair it, or maybe Benji doesn't want to forgive his dad and all! But no, the restaurant scene comes and everything seems fine like something as traumatic as your own father refusing to accept your sexuality and trying to convince you to be someone else never happened. If you're going to make your character go through something like that, it would be good to show its consequences, not to sweep it under the rug! In the first half of the season, if I remember correctly, we see almost every character in a different location doing their own storyline, except Benji, who only exists at school and in the coffee shop to show that he's Victor's boyfriend. I don't think there's a single scene where it's just Benji alone doing something that doesn't involve Victor. It isn't until the later episodes where he gets his own plotline, one that revolves around him being a recovering alcoholic and being 1 year sober. Now don't even get me started on this... the fact they waited a whole season and a half to get to this huge revelation?? This is a big part of Benji that he kept secret and they could do so much with it, but it ends up being just a plot device so that Victor can break up with him and end the season on a cliffhanger. It seems like every one of Benji's plot points is to benefit Victor in some way (all except for the band, but they also never expand on that either so :/). The other couples, for example, Lake & Felix, have their own problems and stuff they're going through, not just things to benefit their love interest story. I get that Victor is the main character, but if this show is about him discovering his sexuality, should his love interest be a huge part of that? Shouldn't there be more focused on his love interest rather on his best friend? I don't know that's just how I view it.

Rahim is Victor's second love interest who is introduced halfway through the second season in the episode called Sincerely Rahim. He, like Benji, the only purpose of his character is to serve as a love interest for Victor and create a love triangle that can end season 2 on a cliffhanger, just like season 1 did. The show cared even less about Rahim than they cared about Benji since they didn't even bother to show his coming-out scene. It sucks because he comes from a Muslim family and that coming out scene could've been really meaningful, for once showing a Muslim family being accepting of a gay son instead of shunning them, which is how the media normally portrays Muslim families.

iii. The couple bias

Probably my biggest problem with this show is the clear bias to the straight couples compared to the main gay couple of the show. Like I said before, Benji being a shell of a character compared to everyone else, I don't think that's a coincidence. I am aware that there was at least one gay writer on the team, but they didn't seem to make up the majority. It's obvious the writers felt more comfortable writing straight characters and couples (eg, Victor and Mia as a couple for the majority of season one) which is fine, but if you're writing a show with a gay couple in it then get gay writers who will actually understand and have an easier more natural approach to them. This is why I think diversity in the writer's room is just as important as diversity on screen. You can put a gay character in your show but if they're written by a straight person it's not going to feel authentic and can easily fall into stereotypes. But that's a conversation for another time.

Some other small problems I had but weren't worth a whole section

-The lack of sapphic women. I think they might start a wlw plotline the next season with Lake but man.. took them two seasons in a show that's suppose to be a representation to even hint at a sapphic relationship.

-Benji's timeline for his alcoholism... if he's 16 now (junior) and been sober for a year... that means he entered rehab when he was 15... which means he's been drinking heavily since he was like 14, so much so they had to put him in rehab?? Are his parents really that neglectful? This why I am so confused about his parents because what his dad did to him was awful and yet when they show Benji's parents, his mother seems to adore him and they are both extremely welcoming to Victor. The only reason I see why he would start drinking at such a young age is that he felt bad because of his sexuality... but man, at 14 do you even understand what's going on enough to be like "this is bad I should drown my sorrows in booze".... idk such a strange timeline.

-They didn't keep up Rahim's texts to Victor, it was one and done. I get that it was supposed to be like continuity with what Simon did to Bram and then what Victor did to Simon but it felt so forced that I wish they didn't do it at all. Felt like they just left it hanging there.... ok I will admit it is really nitpicky and I'll stop now I promise!

So... that's it! I know this can come off as annoying or I'm giving huge pessimist vibes because of this but I swear me having long rants about how I feel about a show's problems is rare. Normally I like deconstructing the parts I did like rather than the parts I didn't. I do think this show is cute and serves its purpose of entertaining, and I don't hold anything against someone who enjoys it! I can easily see this being someone's comfort show, and that's completely fine. I also realize that I did dig into the writers quite a lot here, so I just want to make it clear that in no way am I questioning their talent (one is a new york times bestseller and two others have been nominated for Emmys). Hopefully, my posts in the future will be more positive but for now, I hope this deconstruction was decent!

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