#i just know she had a breakdown when both sour and guts came out

[dancinginthesapphicmoonlight]

MINOR PJO SPOILERS

knowing that sally jackson listens to olivia rodrigo canonically makes me want to sob

[fandomsilhouette]

engarde to the graveyard (send the people our regards)

They’re nothing more than children, arrested in their growth. They’re the adults of the future, a future that they loath. They’re secret keepers, mysteries, people made of histories too big for their skin. They’re never going to win. 

Happy @felinettenovember​, y’all! Or honestly, at this point, not very happy but you know what? There’s catharsis. @emzurl​ coerced me into it and @musicfren​ held me to it, so there is... an amount. No further promises, though! This is a complete story as of this post. 

Part 1 complete. Part 2 complete. 

Their delight was palpable, tangible in the stiffly shifting smirks that shuffled from person to person when Marinette walked hand in hand with Adrien into the classroom on a Monday morning. In the way Bustier grinned slyly as she announced a permanent seat change that brought Marinette shoulder to shoulder with him every day, holding herself firm in the full force of his lovestruck besotted gaze. 

Even at his sappiest, Felix had always looked at her with weight behind the fluff, with respect and admiration as the scaffolding to cotton candy sugar. Marinette thought of the way she used to sink into beanbag chairs, swallowed whole in the vast endlessness of it, completely lost to herself when she returned from its maw. 

Felix found himself next to a girl he had already broken up with and knew immediately the rumors (the truths) hadn’t spread far enough yet. 

Their teacher reminded each of them, quietly, after class that she was there to keep them safe and happy, and as their guardian she was happy to make the changes to allow them to sit where they would be most productive. 

Neither of them had been productive in weeks. It didn’t seem to matter. 

Akuma fights were almost better. Chat still tailed her, kept her back secure. He took more blows meant for her than he used to, and Marinette stayed awake at night playing them over and over in her head, guilt curdling in her gut like spoiled milk, souring the bitter realization that flooded through her veins when she thought about the way he used to throw himself at her to push them both out of the way, and the bittersweet relief of not having to touch him like that, not getting to touch him like that. 

She shivered in the naked air over her suit and didn’t lean into his shoulder. He twitched in repressed anxiety and didn’t curl his tail around her waist. 

The worst days were the ones where the akumatized was a child. The thing was, adults had long been trained, practiced in the habit of learning how to handle a breakdown. Teenagers had learned what to expect, how to cope, because akumatization was nothing more than more of the feelings they’d already learned to function under the crushing weight of. No one believed them anyways, right, when they said they were hurting, that it was too much, that they needed help. 

To the teenagers of Paris, Ladybug and Chat Noir were heroes not because they defeated the akuma but because they stuck around, held their hand, swung past their window at night and winked, stopped by with cookies and hot cocoa and a hug. 

They were heroes because they were friends, mask or not. 

Children hurt, and it was all they could know for as long as a butterfly plagued them. 

Felix was losing more and more of himself to this charade they had going on, and Marinette was more duct tape than person, and Chat and Ladybug looked at each other in the aftermath of an akuma attack that left another child sobbing inconsolably in the middle of the street, and watched teenagers (fifteen, sixteen, older than either Felix or Marinette could imagine being, now) who remembered too well what it was like to feel that helplessness come forward to rock this child to sleep because their guardian was halfway across the city and wouldn’t know what to do, anyways.

There were no words left to exchange. Chat’s ring had a minute longer than her earrings, so he stuck around to watch the child while she detransformed in a flash of pink. Marinette walked out, and the teenagers (children, all of them, anyways) parted for the now-familiar face around post-akuma emotional wreckage. Marinette untangled the child’s fist from around Chat’s tail, which he had been flicking gamely if only for a momentary reprieve, and pulled the child into her embrace. 

They burst into sobs, soaked her shirt. 

Me too, bud, she thought. They didn’t hear it. Felix might have (heard, listened, understood), but he had slipped away already. 

There were too many children who had stopped being children for this. It needed to end. 

There was something about working together for as long as they had that meant they didn’t have to talk about it. Maybe they should. Maybe they couldn’t. But they knew, and they fought for it as if everything they had been doing was little more than a play-fight, a mock reenactment of a battle, never mind the slaughter strewn through their lives. 

But Marinette started training at nights, and she came to school looking like the way she feels, which was broken and exhausted and in pain, but she studied harder and started goading Hawkmoth through their masks, and set up traps for fake miraculi and tried so hard not to cry.

Felix made a chart of everyone who's been akumatized, because Hawkmoth has admitted between one of Ladybug’s taunts and the next that he's been akumatized, in some perverted, sick kind of boast. He started interviewing people and following butterflies, and writing class notes in duplicate to slip under her door because he's studied all this before. She hasn't.

They turned heroes to detectives, because what was another mask to wear? 

They found him, and it was so anticlimactic. 

Gabriel wasn’t arrested. Emelie was already dying, disconnected from her preservation container (coffin, Felix scoffed under his breath, and Marinette snorted at the truth of it). It didn’t make sense to rob Adrien of both guardians at once, even if he had assumed he’d lost one of them already and was rapidly losing the other. It seemed kinder for everyone involved just to let her go. Instead they pushed Hawkmoth into therapy and broke patient confidentiality just enough to make sure the therapist reports that he’s showing up. Felix lost another guardian in all but the paper trail, and knew how not to flinch this time. 

Ladybug and Chat Noir, or maybe just Felix and Marinette, stood hand in trembling hand, surveying the battlegrounds of a war waged by a guardian of two children and two miraculi he had no right to, the bloody remnants of a childhood visited by trauma and responsibility, the conniving burden that it was, leaving them destitute and on guard for a threat that always, always came. 

There was no funeral coming for what they had lost, no mourners or witnesses for these alter egos finally laid to rest. There was no one coming to save them save the people they had become to save the world, the people they had become to sacrifice the best parts of who they used to be. They stood there in the wreckage of everything they have been and have become, not sure if there's enough of them left to feel whole again. 

But he held her hand, and she could feel his pulse fluttering, an echo of her own barely-there heartbeat but present, so present, still alive. 

There was something to be valued here, even if it took all the half-broken pieces left behind in the two of them combined, and the rest of their lives. 

Because they had that, now: a rest of to look for. A rest to look for. 

There was still so much left to do. Marinette broke up with Adrien, or tried to. He held onto her, grabbing onto one part of her and then another while she extricated the first. Eventually it wore on her, exhausted her, between his befuddled, bewildered refusal to accept her decision and the heavy judgemental glares of the classmates gathered to watch this spectator sport. 

We did this for you, Marinette. We wanted you to be happy. What are you doing, Marinette? Why are you throwing it all away? 

Don’t we matter to you as much as you matter to us?

Yes, she thought. I don’t matter to you at all. She bit off whichever part he grabbed onto, left it behind, another sacrifice, another memorial at an unmarked grave. May this be the last, she hoped, and cauterized her wound with rage. 

Felix was there, a phantom in the audience, ghostly pale and nearly translucent under the yellow fluorescent lights. 

He caught her eye, and didn’t stop looking. 

It felt like, for once, for the first time, the right choice.

[maevemarethyu]

Unexpected (6/?)

(Not my GIF)

(This is my shitty border though. First try and all.)

You weren’t expecting it. Neither of you were.

That didn’t mean you weren’t happy with how it ended.

Bucky Barnes x Reader Fic.

Warnings: I don’t think there are any in this one? Sad Boi Hours, Firearms, A lot of dialogue from a lot of people.

“You haven’t heard from Frank? At all?” Karen worries over a cup of coffee the next day and you roll your eyes.

“Nope. I’ve tried calling him but, it goes straight to voicemail.” You sigh as you stare out the coffee shop window at the people passing by. “He’s fine though. I can feel it.”

“It’s not him we’re worried about.” Elektra snorts before reconciling her words. “Not that we’re particularly worried about which river they’re going to find Patrick in a few days from now.”

That brings a faint smile to your tired face. You doubt that your brother would actually kill Patrick. Frank had begun carving out a new life for himself here as and you knew he wouldn’t jeopardize it for the likes of Patrick Vaughn.

So, no, your brother wouldn’t kill him but, maiming wasn’t out of the question. A few broken bones wouldn’t lay too heavily on your conscience either.

Your phone goes off for the fifth time in as many minutes and you reach for it quickly.

“Ugh. Again? Who’re you texting that’s so important?” Elle groans, obviously slighted by the distraction. “This is the first time we’re seeing each other since you found out about Pat. We demand your undivided attention.”

“And you’ll get it.” You promise. “This is about my door needing to be fixed. Bucky asked me when I was free so he could get it done.”

The two women sat across from you share a look as you type out a response, laughing at the photo of Sam and Steve that was sent with it. It was abundantly clear the Captain America had no idea how to use a drill when you see him frustratedly trying to get it to turn on while Sam stands in the back, holding the battery in his hand, with a finger on his lips.

It was a comfort; knowing that the all mighty Avengers were just normal people.

“We’re calling him Bucky now?” Karen hums as she leers over the table. “And he’s offering to fix your door?”

You knew that tone and you knew what she was implying. For some reason it brings an irritated heat to your face.

Foggy had been implying the same things when you had called him last night and you weren’t sure how to broach the topic.

Sure, Bucky was a nice guy but, you knew he wasn’t over Claire and you definitely weren’t over Patrick no matter how much you wished you were. You couldn’t run away from fifteen years like he had and, just because everyone else was sick and tired of your previous relationship (which they had made abundantly clear in every call you made last night) you weren’t.

No. Your mind kept replaying all of the good times you had with your ex-husband. After what he had said to you yesterday, you wanted nothing more than to erase him from your mind but, it didn’t work that way.

Having Bucky, someone who was going through the same thing, helped immensely but, after he left last night and you were left alone with your thoughts, you crumbled. Your breakdown had almost been as bad as when you’d first met the super soldier. You were hurt and you wished your friends would stop telling you how much they hated the man you had been married to. It didn’t help. All it did was make you feel stupid and weak for not seeing the signs in the first place. They made you feel like shit every time they pointed out how poorly he treated you and they had no clue.

How do you tell your friends that? They were trying to be supportive but, it wasn’t the support you needed right now. Right now, you just needed someone to sit next to you and listen to you rant while watching cheesy movies and eating your favorite take out.

You needed Bucky as pathetic as that sounds.

“Yes. He’s fixing my door because Frank kicked it off of its hinges in a fit of rage last night.” You reply curtly when you realize you had been silent for an odd amount of time. “He should be at my place in a half hour so-“

“Okay, let’s get ready to go then.” Elektra cuts in. She’s pulling on her coat and throwing away your empty cups before you can protest. “What? I want to meet him and I’m sure Karen would too. Right Karen?”

She poses the sentence as a question but, you know it’s not. Her tone leaves no room for you to say no and you have to remind yourself that she was just trying to be there for you. The former assassin was still learning how to be someone’s friend and she often came off harsher than she meant to.

Forgoing a worded answer, Karen nods enthusiastically and you know you’re stuck. You knew that if you wanted to continue having a friendship with Bucky he would eventually have to meet your friends but, you weren’t sure if you were ready for that.

It wasn’t in Elektra’s nature to give you a choice though and you mentally resign yourself to it as you pull on your own coat and finish the muffin you had gotten for breakfast. The brunette smirks at you, knowing she’s won and Karen claps her hands giddily.

This wasn’t how you were expecting your day to go. You were hoping that you could go out to breakfast with your friends, go home, get your door fixed, and spend the rest of the day hanging out with Laysa and Bucky before collapsing back into bed so you weren’t dead on your feet tomorrow at work.

It would be your first day back since taking in the snow leopard cub and you had been counting down the days, now even more so.

Karen opens the door and you three make your exit onto the busy sidewalk. A cool breeze has you pulling your jacket tighter and you inhale the smell of the incoming fall season. The first day of October was quickly approaching and you hoped the changing of the seasons would help you adjust to the changes in your life.

“Let me just call Bucky to let him know that you guys are coming.” You voice when the thought pops into your mind that he might not want to meet your friends. He seemed okay with your brother but, that had been a whirlwind encounter that caught you both off guard. “I don’t want to spring this on him.”

Elektra purses her lips but shrugs instead of arguing.

When you look down at your phone, you’re shocked to see it already ringing with Bucky’s name being displayed on the screen. Once again a smile creeps onto your face at the sight as you press the answer button and bring the phone to your ear.

“Hey! I was just about to call. Is everything okay?” You chirp, signaling the girls to follow you as you begin the trek back to your house.

There’s a rumble on the other line and faint arguing that piques your curiosity and you’re trying to discern what’s being said when Bucky finally answers.

“Hey Doll.” He sounds out of breath and you have to wonder what has a super soldier like him breathing hard. “Everything’s fine. It’s just-“

“Y/N we wanna come over!” A voice that could only be Sam Wilson yells from the background, causing you to shake your head with a grin.

You hear James grumble something unintelligible before letting out a long sigh. “They want to meet you.”

“They being Sam and Steve?” You guess whilst biting your thumb, trying to hold back the peal of laughter that threatens to escape.

“Yes ma’am.” A much calmer voice comes through and you vaguely recognize it as Steve Rogers from yesterday’s call. His politeness is every bit what you would expect from America’s sweetheart.

“You’re free to say no.” Barnes cuts in. “Please say no.”

He was obviously in the same boat as you but, you weren’t throwing him a life vest anytime soon. If you go down. So does he.

“You can come on two conditions.” You hum and he groans. “One is that Steve never calls me ma’am again and two is whether or not you’re okay with meeting two of my friends that so rudely invited themselves.”

Karen sticks her tongue out at you childishly. When she does stuff like that it’s hard for you to picture her as the woman who stood up to Frank. The woman who shot an unarmed man all those years ago.

The thought suddenly strikes you that you and Foggy were the only people in your friend group that hasn’t committed murder.

You feel as though that should disturb you more than it actually does.

“Sam’s already on his bike.” Bucky’s deep chuckle snaps you out of your thoughts.

You bid him goodbye and find yourself walking with a bit more of a pep in your step. You didn’t want to think about why talking with the super soldier managed to dissipate your sour mood. You just accept it for what it was and continue walking.

“Was that a yes?” Karen coaxes whilst she loops her arm into yours, grabbing Elle as well.

Her excitement is palpable and you find yourself nodding. “You two are going to be meeting the ex-Winter Soldier, Captain America, and the Falcon.”

“Who wants to take bets on whether or not I get arrested?” Elle says it as a joke but, it opens a very real pit of anxiety in your stomach. Elektra had always been off most mainstream radars but, it was entirely possible that the Avengers know who she is.

Your blossoming mortification must show on your face because Karen swiftly elbows the brunette with a frown. “Why would you say that? No one’s getting arrested. Besides, its not as if you’re aren’t dating the best lawyer in New York City.”

Her words do little to quell the swelling storm in your gut but, you appreciate them nonetheless. Regardless, its too late to turn back when your home creeps into view, just in time for a trio of motorcycles to park in front of it.

None of the men are wearing helmets and you make a mental note to berate them later.

“That them?” Elle asks, feigning disinterest. She can pretend to not be apprehensive all she wants but, you can always tell when she’s lying. This is one of those times.

Meanwhile Karen is bouncing on the balls of her feet as if she wasn’t personally acquainted with several super humans, mutants, heroes, and villains.

Hearing your approach, Bucky turns to face you flashing an uneasy smile before opening his arms.

“Oh he’s hot as-“ You purposefully ignore the rest of Elektra’s sentence in favor of letting yourself be enveloped in James’ hug.

“Hey sweetheart. Sorry ‘bout this.” His voice is low in your ear and you have to fight the shiver that tries to run down your spine at the sound of it.

“Don’t you start apologizing.” You huff before reluctantly pulling away. “My girls are going to eat them alive.”

You wave over Karen and Elle brushing off their stunned stares as Bucky does the same.

“Bucky. This is Karen and Elle. Girls. This is Bucky.” While Elle hesitates to wave, Karen is grinning wide enough that it had you wondering if her cheeks hurt.

“Nice to meet you. I’m sorry it had to be under these conditions.” Elektra steps up when Karen blanks, shaking Bucky’s hand and nodding to the men behind him.

Captain America and the Falcon introduce themselves when James refuses to. Sam flashes you a mega watt smile that has you hiding a laugh behind a hand. Steve forgoes your offered hand and follows James’ suit, pulling you into a tight hug.

Steve’s mouth opens to say something but, is quickly cut off by Sam asking a question that makes your blood run cold.

“Hey, have we met before?” You don’t have to turn around to know he’s talking to Elle and you stiffen in Steve’s hold.

Peeling yourself away from the blond super soldier, you take your place next to Bucky and elbow him in his side.

Elektra shakes her head with a shrug. “I just have one of those faces-“

“Hey! Why don’t we head inside? I’ve gotta feed Laysa. You know how cranky she gets.” You cut in as you drag the brunet around your home and into the backyard. The back door was the only way in since Bucky nailed a few two by fours over the front door to keep it in place until he came back to fix it.

If Barnes notices your panic, he says nothing.

The back door unlocks with a click and you can hear Laysa as soon as the door opens. A smile creeps its way onto your face at the sound of mewling and, when you turn to face James, he’s wearing a matching grin.

You ask him to get her from the nursery while you get the bottle ready and he nods, motioning for the guys to follow him into your home.

“Smooth Kare.” Elle jokes when the blonde trips over the doorstep; obviously too entrance by the Falcon’s ass to pay attention to where she was walking.

“Shut up.” She hisses. “Can you blame me? I’ve never seen a group of men that good looking.”

“Karen.” You hum. “Super soldiers equal super hearing.”

Her face goes bright red and you do nothing stop the peal of laughter escaping your throat. It was a much-needed reprieve from the tension that had been tightening your muscles since stepping out of the coffee shop.

“Like Matt super hearing?” He worries, biting her lip and dutifully avoiding the office door as we pass by it.

That was a good question but, it wasn’t one you wanted the answer to anytime soon. For now you were walking the fine line of knowing heroes and vigilantes with no overlap. You wanted to keep a grasp on it for as long as you could. When lines blur, things get messy, and you had enough mess in your life as is.

“Who knows?” Elle sighs before taking a seat on your counter as you begin the process of heating up Laysa’s bottle. She seemed a bit too relaxed for a criminal who had almost been recognized and you absentmindedly wonder how long she could keep the act up. Elektra was the epitome of a strong woman but, everyone needed a place to crash. Matt was her place. Lord knows they earned each other.

The microwave beeping mixed with Karen’s hand waving in front of your face brings you back to reality.

“You okay?” She mouths as James and the others make their way into the kitchen. You wave off the question before taking the cub from James’ arms.

“That may be the coolest thing I’ve seen.” Sam grins and James rolls his eyes. “And I’ve seen a lot of cool things.”

“You do that often?” Steve’s eyes widen in fascination as Laysa eagerly latches onto the bottle. “Take in animals like that?”

“Y/N’s always looking to take work home. Before her it was the Macaws and before the Macaws it was-“ Elle trails off, snapping her fingers in frustration.

“Oh it was the Gharial baby with the nub leg.” Karen supplies while cooing over the cub. “Remember it bit Foggy and he had to get like five stitches? How’s he doing now?”

You remembered that night very well. More accurately, you remember Matt laughing his ass off when Foggy fainted at the sight of his own blood.

You loved that little reptile.

“He’s doing great now. Swims better than the rest of the clutch.” You reply, laughing when you hear Sam (not so quietly) asking Steve and Bucky if they knew what a Gharial was.

You choose to save the herpetology lesson for another time.

“Do you guys want anything to drink?” Elle asks, taking on the role of hostess while you’re indisposed and you shake your head before silently thanking her.

“I’m good, thanks. We better get started on the door.” James declines, petting the cub in your arm once more then walking out of the kitchen, toolbox in hand.

“You have fun with that Bonky. I’ll stay with the kitten.” You snort at the nickname Sam throws out and you file it into the back of your mind for later. “And Steve can’t figure out how the drill works so-“

The Captain flushes with a frown before grabbing the Falcon by the back of his collar and dragging him into the room Bucky had disappeared, leaving you alone with Elle and Karen.

Both of which were eyeing you with matching grins.

“No.” You deadpan. “Don’t even think-“

“So Bucky seems nice.” Karen voices. “Helpful too.”

“And hot.” Elle adds.

You groan.

Across the house, Bucky was diligently ignoring the probing stares of Steve and Sam wile removing the planks on the front door.

“So. How did the door break again?” Steve questions for the hundredth time since finding out about it last night. His best friend had been tight lipped about the aftermath of yesterday and, after seeing how Bucky was with you, he could understand why.

“Hand me the hammer.” He grunts while gently yanking the first piece of wood off the frame. James wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with the others knowing who your brother was so, he chose silence, much to the Falcon’s irritation.

“Doubt the ex kicked it down.” The aforementioned bird continues. “Man barely looked like he could lift a chair let alone break down a solid door.”

Bucky wants to comment that you ex wasn’t a man as much as he was a rat as you so eloquently put it yesterday. He takes the hammer from his friend’s hand and uses it to pry another set of nails out. The ex- Winter Soldier refused to leave you in a house with no front door and, after a silent staring contest that lasted all of three minutes, you caved, showing him to your basement filled with half finished projects. Apparently, you were quite the handy person yourself but never finished anything due to lack of free time.

Luckily for him, you had been meaning to replace the doorframe for some time and you already had all of the parts and pieces he needed.

“The world may never know.” Bucky grumbles with a roll of his eyes, effectively putting an end to the door questions. He had been looking forward to another quiet day, away from the pitying eyes of his team and, if he were being honest with himself, seeing you again. He didn’t have to pretend to be okay around you and you didn’t push him to talk about things he wasn’t ready to say out loud.

Laysa wasn’t a bad incentive either.

Your house had quickly become a safe place for him. Something you made sure he knew when you both said your goodbyes last night.

Steve’s phone goes off and the Captain wastes no time in opening the new text message. “Claire’s filed for a transfer. Nat just got the request.”

For a split second, Bucky pauses. For some reason, he had thought that his ex-wife would have put up a bit more of a fight for him. A part of him wished she would have put her foot down, said no to the divorce and demanded they work things out.

He would have said no but, knowing that she had given their relationship up so quickly stung. Steve and Natasha knew that he still had love for Claire and were hesitant to bring her up, while the others kept telling him how glad they were that she was gone.

Suddenly the image of you landing a punch to Claire’s cheek pushes the thought from his mind and he regains control over his body.

“Wait. Nat got the request?” Sam questions. “Isn’t that a Maria thing?”

The bird-man had a good point. Claire was a SHIELD agent and that was Maria Hill’s turf.

“As if that was going to stop her.” Steve chuckles. “Romanoff doesn’t concern herself with minor legalities.”

James couldn’t complain. This was Natalia’s way of showing she cared and he appreciated it more than she knew. He was sure hell would freeze over before Claire stepped foot in the Avengers’ Compound again.

The Captain pockets his phone once more and watches his best friend work. The way Bucky’s whole body relaxed when he saw you outside hadn’t escaped his watchful eye. Even if he had managed to miss that, the way he had opened his arms to you without a second thought sure as hell would have caught the blond’s attention.

Bucky had gotten better with people touching him but, he still avoided it as much as he could. His best friend hadn’t gone out of his way to hug someone since before the war. Steve wasn’t oblivious, he could see the hurt that lingered in the ex- Winter Soldier’s eyes and he’d seen it mirrored in your own. The moment you walked yourself into Bucky’s arms the Captain knew that there was something between the two of you; a mutual understanding of one another’s pain.

No doubt Sam was going to tease him about it later but, Steve was happy. He couldn’t pretend to know what his best friend was going through right now. He was just glad that he had you to go through it with.

Minutes pass in blissful silence and Bucky has to restrain himself from strangling Sam when he breaks it with a corny joke.

“You guys should go to the zoo. I heard they offer senior discounts.”

While Steve frowns, a grin crawls onto Bucky’s face. He stays silent for a moment as he relishes what he’s about to say next.

“You’re a little late to that train. Already made that joke yesterday.” You take the words out of James’ mouth when you enter the room with Laysa clumsily trailing behind you.

“Oh that’s cold.” The Falcon grumbles and the sheer disappointment on his face brings a chuckle out of Bucky’s chest. He turns to find you smirking at the air force veteran while rolling your eyes.

Elle passes you and grabs a remote off of the coffee table. Sam’s words from earlier come to the forefront of Bucky’s mind. Your friend does seem eerily familiar but, he just couldn’t put his finger on why. Her standoffishness reminds him of Natalia in a way but, other than that, she seemed like a completely normal woman.

After hitting a few buttons music pours out of the television, filling the silence with a low tune.

Sam, ever the conversationalist, decides to break the awkward tension. “So, do you guys work with Y/N?”

Karen shakes her head. “Oh god no. That’s too much school for me. I’m a journalist and I work at our friend’s law firm as an assistant part time. Never a dull moment there.” She finishes sarcastically and, as normal people do, Sam and Steve look towards Elektra next.

Your breath catches in your throat when she clears her throat. “I’m a personal trainer. Moved here from Greece a few years back to live with my boyfriend.”

Her answer is surprisingly normal and you applaud her for adding the personal touch.

“She’s actually dating one of my best friends, Matt. He was one of the lawyers that got our papers together.” You fill in a couple blanks to make the story more believable. “And we of course know what you guys do for a living. Saving the world must be a dangerous way to get paid.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Karen and Elle struggle to keep a straight face. They were no stranger to danger (Elektra being the danger most of the time) and you all knew it.

“Someone’s gotta do it.” Sam boasts with a puffed out chest.

Steve is more subtle. “We try our best to keep people safe.”

Conversation flows steadily from that point on with Sam and Karen picking up the slack from Elle and Bucky. An hour passes in what feels like seconds and you’re fearing that Karen has finally met her match when Bucky and Steve shoot to a standing position.

Its an odd sense of déjà vu when James backs away from the door to stand in front of you just as it’s kicked in once more.

There’s no cloud of dust this time and you can clearly see the form of your brother rushing in with a hand on his weapon.

“Y/N! Are you okay? I saw-“ He trails off when he sees the three men in the living room.

“Are you kidding me?!” You yell, pushing James aside then stomping your way to your brother. “Again Frankie?! Again?!”

Despite your anger, you’re relieved to see that he’s not covered head to toe in blood but, that doesn’t stop you from smacking him upside his head. “What part of you have a key don’t you get? Stop kicking down my damn door!”

Frank’s posture relaxes immediately and he shrugs sheepishly. “I saw the bikes and I thought-“

“Thought what?! That I was being murdered at noon on a Monday?” As soon as the words leave your mouth you wish you can take them back. You remember how bright the sun was shining the day your brother lost his entire family. “I’m sorry. I know you’re just looking out for me because you’re a great big brother and I love you for it. Can you just do that without busting down my poor door?”

Sam lets out a quiet what the hell at your admission. His shock warms your heart- not because your brother’s reputation proceeds himself but, because Sam’s surprise tells you that Bucky hadn’t told the Avengers about Frank. A secret that was now moot.

“Nat’s gonna freak when she finds out.” Sam chuckles behind you and, once again, déjà vu creeps up your spine.

Déjà vu that turns into a shiver when a low and feminine voice cuts through the air. “Nat already knows and she came down here to make sure you three don’t get turned into pink mist and a memory. Looks like there was no need.”

You can see a speck of red hair from behind your brother’s hulking frame. This whole situation was getting more ridiculous by the moment and you revert to your wish for a quiet day.

You could handle one Avenger. Tolerate three. But add another, your brother, Elektra, and Karen to the mix? It was too much.

“Hey danger.” She adds, bumping your brother’s shoulder with a wink. You had to hand it to the woman. She knows what she wants and she goes for it. Her blatant flirting obviously catches Frank off guard and all he can manage is a furrowed brown and wide eyes. “You don’t seem too shocked by this Barnes.”

“Not my story Natalia.” His response is simple and to the point but it still brings a smile to your face.

Shaking off your surprise, you then grab your brother by his arm and wave Natasha into your home. 

“I guess that answers our door question, Cap.” Sam chuckles.

The aforementioned Captain stares at you with wide blue eyes. You’d think for a century old man he’d have seen it all but, watching you manhandle the most gruesome vigilante in New York (ex-vigilante he reminds himself) wasn’t something he was prepared for. Steve know understood what Bucky meant when he said you were something.

“Kare- check him. Make sure he isn’t hiding any stab wounds or bullet holes from me.”

The petit blonde takes his hand with a smile before leading him away from the group. You didn’t put it past your brother to have just shoved gauze into an open wound and call it a day.

You unconsciously gravitate back to James and you don’t realize it until he lays a hand on your shoulder.

“At least I was just measuring when he kicked it down. I can have it fixed in no time.” His reassuring smile coupled with Laysa now rubbing against your leg calms your frazzled nerves. Your house hasn’t been this lively in years and, although you know you should embrace it, you were tired.

“Tweedle dee and tweedle dum. Castle isn’t the only reason I came here. We have a mission.” The redhead points to the Captain and Falcon. Both men stand at attention and you have the gnawing feeling that although Steve was the captain, Natasha was the leader. “Nice meeting you Y/N.”

You watch with a raised brow as she crosses the empty threshold once more before answering with a weak you too.

She pauses and looks up at the cracked door frame with a frown. “Barnes you’re in this one too but, finish this up first.” Steve and Same both bid their goodbyes before following the woman out. You don’t let out the breath you’ve been holding until you hear three motorcycle start up and disappear down the street.

Karen comes back out- frowning at the now empty room before she shakes her head. “He’s clean but it doesn’t look like he’s slept in days.”

You scoop Laysa up with a frown. He was having his nightmares again and it had you worried. Guilt creeps into your veins when the thought crosses your mind. Patrick hurting you might have dredged up the past for Frank which explains why he rushed in earlier.

“I’ll take him hom-“

“No. I’ll take him. You have enough on your plate right now he won’t talk to you. You know that.” Karen bites her thumb after cutting you off. You could never piece together the nature of the bond she and your brother shared but, you’re happy that it’s there nonetheless. She was right, Frank would rather die than add his own problems to your full plate.

“Thank you.” You nod solemnly and she disappears from sight. Moments later you hear the back door close and you sigh.

“That’s my cue. Matt and I have plans for tonight and I’ve gotta get ready. You know- limber up.” Elektra stands with a cat-like grin. Her words have James coughing in shock and you snort. You almost want to tell Bucky the truth but you knew telling an Avenger that your blind best friend and his girlfriend were planning on canvasing the city to fight bad guys wasn’t the best plan, so you leave him to his embarrassment then give the woman a hug.

“I’ll talk to you both later. Be careful.” Out of the corner of your eye you see a blush burn onto Barnes’ face. Maybe it was cruel to tease him like this but, no one said that cruel couldn’t be funny.

She disappears in a flash of black hair, leaving you and Bucky blissfully alone.

“That was something.” You groan before plopping onto the couch. Of the several scenarios you had run through your head of meeting Bucky’s friends- the one that just transpired wasn’t one of them.

“It could’ve been worse.” He shrugs, picking up the forgotten door in an amazing display of muscle that has your eyes lingering on his back. “I think your brother and Natalia showing up added a bit of spice.”

You slam a pillow over your face hoping that it would somehow erase the memory of the last twenty minutes from your mind. “Weren’t you born in the twenties or something? Didn’t think you could handle spice.”

The playful jab has him shaking his head with a smile.

“I’ll have you know that I’ve eaten Carolina Reaper wings before. I can handle spice just fine.”

The pillow over your face muffles the snort that leaves your throat at his defense. The mention of the infamous pepper brings up an old memory from college.

“I almost killed Foggy with Reaper wings. He didn’t know what they were and, after eating one, he rushed for anything to stop the burn. He ended up grabbing a brownie laced with Black Scorpion pepper. Immediately started throwing up.” You find the strength to remove the pillow from your head with a bright laugh. “He had to chug half a gallon of milk to stop.”

Those had been easier times. Back when the three of you had the whole world ahead of you.

“Who laces brownies with pepper?” The man across the room frowns. “That’s just wrong.”

“Hey! It was a Halloween party. Trick or Treat.”

“Remind me to never come to one of your parties then.”

You gasp in indignation ready to fire back with I’ll have you know that I used to throw great parties before you think better of it. You stopped throwing parties years ago because Patrick never hid how much he disliked parties and your friends in general.

The thought of your ex-husband douses you in cold water causing a shiver to run down your spine. Instead of answering, you run your fingers through Laysa’s soft fur to calm yourself down. Glancing at James across the room, it appears as though he lost in thought as well. The clock on the wall strikes one in the afternoon.

It has officially been twenty-four hours since you both confronted your spouses. It was a thought that was both liberating and terrifying.

“We’re going to be okay. Right?” The words escape you before you can bottle them back up and, when Bucky freezes, you wish you could take them back.

“Yeah. We’re going to be better than okay Doll. Maybe not today but, eventually.” His deep voice wavers slightly causing you to worry your lip between your teeth. You had the feeling he wasn’t normally this open with his friends and an odd mix of feelings swirl in your chest; relief, a little bit of pride, and another that you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

Regardless it’s that feeling you can’t put a finger on that has you standing up. “Natasha said you have a mission?”

“Yeah. S’gonna be a rough one if all of us have been called in.” This time there is no waver of worry in his voice. He’s firm and matter of fact in a way the reminds you of your brother and Matt. That didn’t make you fear for his safety any less.

You decide to follow the same routine as you do with your friends who like to put themselves in dangerous situations on a regular basis.

“Do you have time for a home cooked meal before you go?”

Once again the man pauses but, this time he turns to you slowly as a smile grows on his handsome face.

“Yeah sweetheart. I’d like that.

Tags: @luthien-t​ @vicmc624 @cherryblossomskye​

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 67 Poll Results (for Manga Readers)

The poll closed with 254 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Manga Readers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll, click here.

--

RATE THE EPISODE 246 Responses

The response to this week’s episode remains overwhelmingly positive, with 97.6% of responses giving it a score of 3 or higher. 

This is the first episode where I have absolutely no criticisms, so im quite happy with how it turned out.

Voice acting was top tier

perfect

Emotional 

Great Job! I'm glad my favorite character's death was so emotionally misered.

Forget Attack on Titans, this episode was Attack on my Feelings ! 😭

I want to rate it a 1 because of Sasha but a 5 because of how well it was done... so 1.5

Absolutely loved it

Perfect

ASIDE FROM SASHA’S DEATH, WHICH MOMENT WAS THE MOST EMOTIONAL FOR YOU? 247 Responses

Connie’s heartfelt admission to Jean seems to have stolen the hearts of the plurality of responders (36%). That is followed by a tie of 18.2% responses noting Eren’s breakdown or EMA’S tense reunion as the most emotional moment for them. In third place is Gabi’s tragic declaration about her struggles with 11.3%. Other responses were, in order, Jean lamenting all of the deaths occurring, Gabi and Falco realizing that Zeke betrayed them, Hange scolding Eren for forcing the SC to intervene in Marley and Levi and Eren’s confrontation.

Connie telling Sasha and Jean that they're special to him made my heart hurt knowing what was going to happen mere minutes after. I honestly saw me and my two best friends through them, and it was gut wrenching seeing Connie and Jean's reactions. Even Mikasa's reaction broke me, to be honest. They all lost a huge light in their lives.

WHICH MOMENT SURPRISED YOU THE MOST? 222 Responses

So this question was meant to only go on the anime watchers poll and ended up here somehow. Thanks to the 222 who were good sports and responded anyway! :P The most shocking moments that took place in this chapter/episode was the revelation that Eren went rogue from the Survey Corps, that Zeke was collaborating with the Survey Corps, how the Survey Corps treated Eren, and that some Paradisians seemed to be turning to nationalism, in that order. 

Not sure why we're being asked as manga readers which moment shocked us the most since we already knew everything that was going to happen this week

HOW MUCH DID SASHA’S DEATH HURT YOU? 249 Responses

When it came to Sasha’s death, it would appear that it broke the hearts of the overwhelming majority of responders, with 81.1% giving it a rating of either 4 or 5 on the tragic scale. 

Broke my heart and I'm still crying over it three days later. Honestly though, it was greatly done. 

3 years later it hit me, Sasha is dead ;_;

Cried my whole soul and body. Rip sweet Sasha

I thought Sasha's death would've been more emotional.

WHOSE REACTION TO SASHA’S DEATH AFFECTED YOU THE MOST? 250 Responses

Sasha’s death elicited various reactions from the main cast. Two different responses tied at 36.4% noting Connie and Mikasa’s reactions to Sasha's death as the one affecting them the most. This was followed by Eren’s at 13.2%. The rest were, in order, Armin, Jean, Levi and Hange. 

I don’t cry at fiction much, but Sasha’s death got me more than I thought it would. I feel like seeing Armin and Mikasa’s reactions in particular is what got me.

The way they animated Armin and Mikasa bawling over Sasha's body and the inclusion of Call Your Name made it all the more emotional. I think by "Assassin's Bullet" they also meant a bullet through my heart because man did that hurt to watch. 😭🤧

WOULD YOU PISS YOUR PANTS IF LEVI WAS GLARING AT YOU WITH MURDEROUS INTENT? 248 Responses

A bit of a joke question, but we wanted to know if Levi appeared as threatening as he seemed. 80.2% seems to think so, admitting their incentive to piss their pants. In contrast, 19.8% don’t think the Captain’s such a scary guy!

THE FULL VERSION OF “ASHES ON THE FIRE” BY KOHTA YAMAMOTO (THE PREVIEW SONG) IS NOW OUT. IF YOU’VE LISTENED TO IT, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 236 Responses

“Ashes on the Fire” has been released to rave reviews, with 88.1% of responses giving it a 4 or a 5. Nobody gave it a 1, either. Yamamoto-san, thank you!

OVERALL, HOW WELL DO YOU THINK MAPPA ADAPTED THE MARLEY ARC? 251 Responses

In spite of the relatively vocal complaints about the adaptation of certain elements of the Marley Arc, it would appear that the overwhelming majority of responders seemed pleased with it, with 51.4% giving it 5 and 37.1% giving it a 4. 1s not present. 

I've been a bit bothered how Mappa follows the Manga like a slave, using the panels as scenes and not adding anything in between. Sure it works for Manga, but it feels weird to me to watch in Anime how Eren grabs Armins hand and they don't give a transition where Armin pulls him in, but just show him inside the airship next. Just little things, but bothers me a bit. Overall I'm really enjoying their choices.

The show looks BETTER

I was fine with the episode. The quality of animation dropped but I understand that every scene cannot be animated on highest level. MAPPA has done a great job with the Marley arc. They shown the character development and bonds between the warriors perfectly. We had some cuts here and there but overally was okay: 8/10 for me. 

I’m so pleased that MAPPA has taken the anime. I’m still more of a fan of this particular series’ manga than anime though.

DID SASHA’S DEATH AFFECT YOU MORE WHEN YOU READ THE MANGA, OR SEEING IT ANIMATED WITH VOICES AND MUSIC? 249 Responses

As noted above, Sasha’s death seemed to be a hard hitter for most. Comparison of the adaptation vs the original allows to discern which hit the readers/watchers the hardest. Just one percent shy of a majority (49%) thought that the anime made it much more tragic. 30.9% noted that the impact was roughly similar across both mediums. On the flip side, 10.4% thought that the initial depiction of it in the manga was the hardest hitter. There were also a couple of write-ins. 

I dont remember I sped run reading the manga, kinda regretting it

I knew it for the first time in the manga, so it had a more powerful impact (I cried for a whole week. Not kidding) and the anime managed to make me cry as hard as in the manga. Though, I already was aware and grieved so it wasn't as bad

Got Spoiled :( so kinda meh, saw it coming

When the music kicked in after Connie announced she was gone, my heart broke into a million pieces. 

Let's be honest, Sasha's role was over after she killed the titan in the village and saved Kaya. After that she was just there. She got zero development, zero important moments, zero depth. Her death effected many characters and helped them to develop. Sasha's death was sad but at least brought some important changes in others. 

Not a Sasha fan so I was not really that affected but having a death in the series always feels sour

I think for me, they're both even.....mostly. There's just something about having been waiting for the chapter leaks on reddit with a bunch of other people and most of us collectively grieving at the same time. Once bigger pages of the chapter started coming out, it made me cry. I didn't even cry during serumbowl when I first read it and that had plenty for me to be even more upset about.

Honestly while reading manga I hated that Sasha’s last word was „meat”, it seemed so ridiculous. I’m happy MAPPA made it look more serious with music. Actually everyone’s reaction for Sasha’s death had more impact on me than the death itself

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU SAW GABI KILL SASHA IN THE MANGA? AND HOW DO YOU FEEL SEEING IT AGAIN NOW, KNOWING HOW GABI’S ARC DEVELOPS? 247 Responses

Gabi is perhaps the most controversial character introduced post-time skip. Whether you’re a proud member of the Gabi Gang, proud hater of the 12 year old or just a neural party, everyone can admit that. With Sasha’s death at her hands, many seemed to offer up their opinion on the kid, back then and now. A slight plurality, 31.2%, stated that they did not hate her back when 105 first released and they don’t hate her now. 23.1% note that although they were rather upset with her back down, they are not (upset/angry) any longer. On the flipside, 25.5% state that they still hate the kid, as they did back then. Finally, some were simply neutral. Classic. 

Quite a few write-ins, as well.

I hated her in the manga but after watching the anime, I’m not happy about it but I understand why she did what she did and don’t hate her as much anymore.

I was extremely upset about it before and am still extremely upset about it now, but for different reasons. I hate her less but am not any less annoyed by her brainwashed hatred of the Paradisians, although I understand her much better and realize and empathize that she's just a kid who's been used by her country in the worst way.

Gabi Braun Must Die

Broke my heart and was upset, but understood where she was coming from (thought about her perspective only)

Sasha shoulda killed this cunt while she had the chance

It’s war, she did as she needed to.  Her arc is fantastic 

love hate relationship 

I didn't like her but not because of Sasha death (that's war consequence) and it's the same now

I really hated her with my whole heart and soul, but now that it has been all explained, that she had character development, I even like her now

I used to be angry about it but I understand why now, Gabi is just a victim of Marley’s control just like anyone else is, it’s a shame this is the results of it. She’s still at fault but I can’t hate her so much for it

I feel tired of Gabi hate. I disliked her in the manga back then but now I feel neutral towards her, because she has changed. Yet, I wish she took less screentime. 

SORRY for ranting! I don't understand the hate on Gabe. Yes, I know she killed a Paradise character which was present in series since its beginning and I understand Sasha's fans are upset Sasha is not here anymore because of her. but those people do not analyse Gabe as they should be. Every character belongs to a different side and each side is blinded by what heir belives in. It is okay to not like Gabe but I don't tolerate hate on her. I THINK THIS QUESTION SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN INCLUDED AT ALL.

Initial hate, understanding after some thought

Understanding her situation I know I shouldn’t hate her, but I’m choosing to be petty and hate her anyway 

I liked her much more than I like her now. She was a much better character back then, her killing Sasha (a one-note comedic relief) was cool and brought some spice to the story. Now she just exists to spout themes and convenient exposition and to be an aimbot

i dislike her, even if i understand her

I dont like Gabi. Never did. It isnt because she killed Sasha tho. I just dont care for Gabi tbh BUT i can totally understand her actions and do not blame her for it after seeing the destruction and killings

I was and still am upset about Sasha's death, but from the start I blamed it more on the circumstances than Gabi.

I loved her then, I love her now and it probably wouldn’t change even if she killed my favourite characters. She’s my cinnamon roll

Gabi did nothing wrong, killing a soldier in the battlefield is not a crime.

See, I WANT to like Gabi since she's obviously changed, but knowing she killed Sasha nonetheless will ALWAYS prevent me from having any love or respect for her. She will always be my most hated character

MAPPA ADDED AN EXTENDED SCENE OF FLOCH AND OTHER SURVEY CORPS RECRUITS BEATING GABI AND FALCO. HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? 240 Responses

MAPPA added an extra scene of Floch and Friends raining down copious amounts of gratuitous violence upon two 12 year olds (MAPPA is pro-child violence???????? Find out when 111 is adapted). 48.8% seemed to think that it was a decent addition, even if just for the SC’s characterization (or perhaps you enjoyed seeing that?). 22.5% thought it was a bit over the top to feature. Finally, 16.7% did not care. 

I didn't like it. But, it was def a believable reaction from them.

I just wish it was enough to kill her

I liked the additional characterization of Floch & co.

Great addition, it was implied in the manga so the scene fitted well. Still, it was horrifying to see how vile the scouts were to two kids

How about an option where we're glad Gabi got beaten to a pulp but not when Falco was?

ORA ORA thing, but we viewers get hurt too. 

Didn't feel bad about Gabi getting beat up, but I did feel bad seeing Falco get beat up. Poor boy didn't deserve that

A nice addition 

I thought it was a great choice to highlight the continuing violence and feelings of vengeance from both sides even more. and I thought it contrasted really well with Jean's decision not to throw the kids out of the airship.

The people glorifying this scene annoy the shit out of me

It's a good way to hint the "Yaegerist" perspective to anime onlies

MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA

The Gold Experience memes are funny

It was an IC scene for people like Floch + I feel bad for the kids

The way they shot that scene made the recruits seem like mindless, gross-faced animals storming towards the kids to beat them up. I liked how they were dehumanised like that, considering that most faces amongst them belonged to the ones who support the rumbling. 

It hurt to see that but good scene though

Feel empathy for Gaby. Violence don't solve problems

Now THAT'S what I call fan service! Who needs big-boobed, big-ass females or shirtless guys with and when you can just have the most hated character get the tar beaten out of them xD

I can see why they did it. MAPPA's not dumb and I'm sure they anticipated a massive onslaught on hate towards Gabi specifically, so it was their way of trying to satisfy the haters. Falco didn't deserve it tho.

It was a good addition

GREAT JOB MAPPA

I hate Gabi too but that was too much beating up a child, yet it also showed how shit Floch and the others are.

Apparently some people never noticed that Gabi and Falco got beat up, probably because it happened in the background. So it was good for MAPPA to call attention to it.

I love Gabi but she had that coming. No need to hurt Falco though. :(

OVERALL, HOW WELL DO YOU FEEL MAPPA EXECUTED THE REVEAL THAT ZEKE IS A TRAITOR TO MARLEY? 240 Responses

The reveal that ZOOK has been working against Marley for years on end is one of the most important ones in the series, really. So it was important to have it be executed in a rather decent manner. The vast majority of the fandom thought that MAPPA did a fine job. 52.1% gave it a rating of 4, 27.5% gave it a 5 and 17.1% gave it a 3. The couple of the other respnders gave it a 2, with no 1s.

IN THE END, DO YOU THINK EREN’S ACTIONS IN MARLEY WERE ULTIMATELY JUSTIFIED? 242 Responses

A question to remember… Were Eren’s actions in Marley ultimately “justified”? A plurality, 44.6% seems to think so. In contrast, 24% disagree. And 31.4% still aren’t sure to this day.

SIMILARLY, DO YOU THINK THE SURVEY CORPS WAS ULTIMATELY JUSTIFIED IN TREATING EREN AS THEY DID? 244 Responses

When it comes to the SC treating Eren as they did, the division is much less pronounced however. The majority, 60.7%, think that the SC had quite the justification for treating Eren as they did. On the flip side, 19.7% think that there was such justification for behaving in such a manner towards Eren. Finally, the same amount of responses stated that still can’t be sure to this day.

NOW THAT WE’VE GOTTEN A CLEAR SHOT OF YELENA, DID MAPPA DO HER JUSTICE? 243 Responses

YELENA is here. Queen 👑. Or well, maybe not. Who am I to say? In any case, her appearance was received well. 52.7% thought MAPPA did very well and 33.7% went on to declare their love for her. Just shy of 10% noted that MAPPA could have done a little better though. 

Kinda wish her hair was like neon or something idk

Need more eps of her to decide, she didn't get much screentime and lines here. 

I don't like Yelena, but yeah I guess they did good.

In the manga she was a creepy-looking person. MAPPA made her unique, interesting and mysterious. I love her voice and her stoic, relaxed self. MAPPA did a good job.  

QUEEN!!!!!

Great adaptation but I still don't like her as a character

Don’t care about her 

don't really care

I hate her and I don't care about her.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 247 Responses

Such a colorful chart for this one. It would appear that slightly over a quarter look most forward to seeing Crykasa at Sasha’s grace. Slightly less (21.9%) want to see Sasha enjoying Niccolo’s cuisine. In third place is the scene with Connie, Jean, Mikasa and Niccolo at Sasha’s grace. The rest are, in order from most to least, Onyankopon and Yelena teaching the Survey Corps about the Port, EMA talking at the shooting range and Hange and Armin learning about Marley’s technology.

HOW HYPED ARE YOU FOR THE UPCOMING TIMESKIP FLASHBACKS? 239 Responses

The time skip flashbacks seem to be a hit. A little over 51% are super stoked about seeing them animated. Slightly under 24% state that they’ll enjoy them, but are looking forward to other things more. In contrast, 22.6% are ready to go crazy (from a positive standpoint)! Wooo! 

Enjoying AND dreading it at the same time

I just want the centipede

Boring. The only thing what interests me is Historia teasing Mikasa about her crush on Eren. The rest is too jolly. 

I'm looking forward to see Yelena's insane self be animated. That, and more Zeke.

THE MOST RECENT LIST OF FUTURE EPISODE TITLES SHOWS THAT EPISODE 12 WILL LIKELY END AROUND CHAPTERS 109-111, LEAVING CHAPTER 112 (EMA’S ARGUMENT) FOR EPISODE 13. EPISODE 67 WAS ALMOST ENTIRELY ADAPTED FROM CHAPTER 105, PROVING THAT ADAPTING DIALOGUE-HEAVY CHAPTERS FAITHFULLY CAN EASILY REQUIRE THE FULL 20 MINUTES. WITH ONLY 16 EPISODES - AND SO MANY WHICH ARE DIALOGUE-HEAVY - DO YOU THINK THINGS WILL END OFF WITH THE INITIATION OF THE RUMBLING (CH. 122), AS HAS BEEN SPECULATED BY MUCH OF THE FANDOM? 238 Responses

The manner in which the Season will end is a mystery to even the manga readers. Where will it end? Will it have many cuts? These are the questions. 36.6% seem to think that MAPPA will somehow manage to both end it at Chapter 122 and cut as little as possible. 26.5% don't believe ending on 122 is possible. 12.2% do believe MAPPA will end the Season on 122, but only with many notable cuts. Finally, just a little under 20% are simply not sure. There were a few write-ins as well. 

I hope not, too many cuts would be required 

The is no way they're making it up to 122, at first I thought they were going to finish it off with Eren's head getting blown off in 119, but now that seems like a reach too. Now I think MAPPA is probably going to end this first half of the season with Eren and Pieck's "where is the enemy?" and the warriors arriving to Shiganshina 

I’m not sure right now so I’ll have to see for later episodes for the cut-off point, if it isn’t the Rumbling then it’ll be when Gabi shoots Eren

MOVIE

I'm conflicted. I'm sure they'll end at rumbling because it's the only reasonable point to cut it, but I feel like they're running out of episodes. Then again I'm feeling the same about the state of Manga, there's just too little chapters left to end things up well.

I don't really want to think too much about it, I just want to enjoy the anime lol

I fully expect 119 to be the end

What was the point of rushing Reiner's chapters if you are going to slow down later. Goddamn it MAPPA. 

It'll really depend on the pacing for the next couple episodes, but I'm with a bulk of the fandom that see Chapter 119 Two Brothers being the end point for The Final Season. IF they were to skip the opening and maybe the ending, I can see them transitioning from Eren's head getting blown off immediately into his transformation and the beginning of the Rumbling. But even that is quite farfetched. 

I have no idea, I'm a little worried now. Wouldn't be the first time a lot of content gets cut but if they insist on reaching ch. 122, I just don't see how you do that without butchering a lot. If that happens, it would probably lessen my enjoyment of the season.

Yeah, I think it will have a lot of cuts, but I believe that it will get there because Ymir falling in the tree was in the trailer

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

It's amazing seeing how each week, something with SnK trends! ^^

It still baffles me just how much people insist on hating Gabi, especially when her arc has shown tremendous growth in the manga. Reiner was no better than her when he was a child and continued to insist that Paradisians are devils and chose to further destroy their lives even after sleeping under the same roof as the 104th for 3 whole years and forming personal bonds with them. Yet, his actions are forgivable but Gabi's are not? Both characters have shown remorse for their former beliefs and misdeeds against Paradisians. Both realized that they were in the wrong. The characters have forgiven Gabi. Why can't y'all do the same? People who want Gabi to suffer are no better than they accuse her of being. 

Well done episode which managed to capture the emotions of sasha's death perfectly

monke

I really appreciate Gabi as a character. She has spunk and a strong character arc in which she changes and grows more than anyone in the last 30 chapters of the manga, save maybe Mikasa (ignoring how Eren, Reiner, Armin and maybe a few others changed during the timeskip). It makes me sad seeing people wishing for her to die and praising Floch and the others for kicking her.

Gabi absolutely deserves the hate she gets

I absolutely love to see the anime-onlies mass hate of GabBitch, does my heart good xD

Boring ,too much Gabi she is annoying

Time to strap in: wild ride ahead!

Gabi Braun is the WORST character, her arc was poorly written and the moment she kills Sasha solidifies her rightful place as most hated character

No development has made me stop hating Gabi. The wound of Sasha's death will ALWAYS overshadow any crocodile tears Gabi may cry.

Kudos to Jean's and Connie's voice actors. Emotions were so raw and natural.

so good! they're really nailing down the emotional beats so far!

Dialogue-heavy but still amazing! Also the music was great

I didn't felt anything when Sasha died. Even the first time, in the manga. She hasn't enough personnality for me to care. Erwin and Bertolt's death were more saddening for me. Stop hating Gabi. She was in grief and she did what Marley brainwashed her to. And Sasha killed people right in front of her, so…

1 chapter was too little to be adapted for an episode, you could tell some scenes were stretched to fit the runtime

The music they chose for the scene of Sasha passing was also the same music they used when the Survey Corps first donned their capes and Eren found out Marco was dead... man, that song is gonna hit harder than ever now

It didn’t help with the overwhelming amount of hate Gabi is getting. I hope Mappa does her justice because she’s a great character but the Anime only seem to hate her because its a “funny” “popular” thing but it really isn’t... shows who really is paying attention to the story and the people who are watching it because it’s popular and trendy 

People who are hating on Gabi do not understand the themes portrayed in AoT

Pretty solid overall. Wonderful bits of animation such as the ODM bits and the solid character acting from Sasha going down, Mikasa and Armin is distress, personal highlight being Gabi's reload animation. Good ost choices, nice addition of Samuel and Daz to foreshadow their conflict later on in the story, and great work from Connie, Gabi and Eren's VAs.

Friendly reminder that just because we hate Gabi does NOT mean we don't "understand" the story or themes. We just don't care because Gabi is a bad character.

U mad at Gabi for what she did ? Did she kill Potato girl for no reason? Imgine a kid, at least 3 years younger than the 104th, made fighting on WARS and praised for it, brainwashed by Marley that Paradisians are devils, and these devils came in her home, killing her friends and this WOMAN killed in front of her eyes two people who tried to protect her. Don't be mad at Gabi. Grieve for Sasha, okay, but stop hating Gabi. You're the worst when you do it

Hey Gabiatans: as long as you're not threatening the VA or other RL p olle, it's PERFECTLY fine to hate Gabi. Period. We don't have to like her, and it's not like we don't "understand" her just because we hate her. I "understand" a lot of Germans were forcibly coerced into joining the Nazi regime, but I don't have to pity then for any consequences that came for them.

Leviiiiiii

I was surprised that Mikasa and Armin crying over Sasha had no voice over. I thought it was still effective but I'm not sure if I prefer it. Other than that, the character animation was amazing this episode. Gabi's hands as she reloaded the rifle and Armin crying were my favorites. Overall, everything was pretty perfect and I love it when a chapter gets adapted in full with basically no cuts. One of the best episodes in the series and a proper send off for Sasha.

Wonderfully done episode! They truly did Gabi and Falco's perspectives justice. Also, seeing Eren's expressions and reactions in animated format was clarifying and super well done, too!

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 227 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! 

[bnhababyyyy]

Bro’s before that kinda bro part 7/??

A/N: HGIsioNGIEO Thank you for waiting!!! 😭😭This chapter was incredibly hard to write LMAOOO but I hope you guys enjoy it! Thank you for your support!!😭😭❤️❤️❤️

---------------------------------------------------------

Your room was filled with this tooth grinding silence. You were so used to the laughter and conversations you had with Todoroki that this silence stung. You didn't realize how much of an effect he had on your sleep pattern, now it took hours to fall asleep without him.

You wished the two of you didn’t talk about everything because now everything reminded you of him. Unwelcome memories would wake you in the middle of the night and make you cry yourself back to sleep, and tonight was one of those drench your pillow in your tears kind of night’s.

You gave him so much and it felt like he gave you the bare minimum as a friend. You opened your heart up and tried your best to improve your relationship only for him to not care. Ever since the trip ended Todoroki didn’t try to resolve anything, he passed you in halls and acted like he didn’t even know you. You wanted him to talk it out but he ignored every text and call you sent, the two of you had gotten so far in your relationship you didn’t expect him to drop you so fast.

Lately you have been passing out in the middle of a break down and waking up to a soaking wet pillow. Tonight’s breakdown went way longer than usual, to the point where you were falling asleep by the time your alarm rang. You jumped awake to the sound and moved out of your bed, you were too exhausted to think and not ready to deal with today’s drama.

As soon as you and Jirou returned to school, Midnight pulled you both to the side and explained what your punishment was for sneaking out so late. The two of you were in charge of cleaning the classroom before and after school for a whole month. 

You and Jirou still hadn’t made up after all that time, the tension from the conversation of that night (which was over a week ago) still hung high. Since the two of you were too stubborn to apologize and move on, you would both work in this stiff, awkward silence. 

When you arrived at the classroom you were shocked to see Kaminari with cleaning supplies instead of Jirou. You couldn’t help but stare at him until he noticed you. “Kami? What are you doing here?” 

He looked surprised. ”You’ve been cleaning too? Why didn’t you ever tell me!?”

Ever since the trip, you and Kaminari didn’t talk about anything that happened the night of the dance and made a silent agreement to not tell the group either. The both of you did your best to act like he never confessed and you were on good terms still, but being alone with him and no need for filters felt unnerving. 

You shifted your attention to grabbing a broom. “Did you get caught sneaking out?”

“Yeah, I was too busy crying to notice any teachers sneak up on me.”

You choked. Guilt slammed into your gut as the memory of that night flew into your mind. “Kami I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-“

“No I was kidding. It’s fine, It wasn’t all your fault.” He flicked your nose. “I got in more trouble for going off on Midnight though. So now I gotta clean three classrooms a day.”

“Really? How long have you been cleaning?”

“I dunno…” he checked the time. “For like two hours! I mean it’s not that bad since I can clean whatever classroom I want but no one told me you were cleaning in here.”

Before you could respond Jirou walked in. You and Kaminari both whipped around to see her standing at the doorway with her eyes switching between the two of you.

“What’s he doing here?” She asked, avoiding eye contact with Kaminari.

“Oh he was caught too. Don’t worry I’m sure we can finish fast!” 

When she didn’t say anything the room got incredibly quiet. 

“Uh good morning Jirou!” Kaminari said, to try and fill the silence but Jirou only scoffed making the silence hit harder. She obviously didn’t like you talking with Kaminari but you ignored her attitude and went back to cleaning, you didn’t feel like dealing with any drama at the moment. 

As you cleaned Kaminari would constantly ask if you needed help. Which was fine until he asked “Do you need help with that?” for the twentieth time that day. You found it getting awkward. Each time he asked how you were doing Jirou would flinch and glance at the two of you. It was hard to not notice and Kaminari’s obliviousness to it set you on edge. 

Eventually you got so caught up in your thoughts that you accidentally knocked over a glass jar but when you tried to save it you instead got cut by the shards that bounced off the floor. You hissed as soon as you felt the air hit the cut, a burning sensation coursed through your hand quickly. Kaminari ran to your side in a split second, already cupping your hand in his.

“Woah- you okay!?”

You retracted your hand from his when you felt Jirou’s stare on you. “No I’m fine! I can just get a bandaid later, let's finish cleaning!”

“Are you crazy?” He pointed to the cabinet in the back of the classroom. “I can’t just leave you here to bleed out. Sit down, I'm gonna find something in there.”

As Kaminari looked for a first aid kit, Jirou approached you with a clean napkin. You were shocked, you didn’t think she would help at all.

Jirou only shook her head as she adjusted the napkin on your cut. “How are you that clumsy?”

You felt your shoulders loosen up. It was kind of nice having her not ignore you, although she did kind of insult you, you felt a smile begin to form on your face. This was the most interaction you have had with her the whole week. So you would take it.

Kaminari approached you with a first aid kit and immediately got to work on healing your hand. Jirou kept her distance from him by sweeping the glass while he applied the disinfectant and wrapped the bandage. You felt awkward having so much attention on you, it was only a small cut but they were putting so much care into you, (Even if Jirou was kind of mad) you felt like it was a serious medical procedure. You hoped everything would work itself out soon so you could all return to the way things used to be.

But that might not happen for a while. When Kaminari finished he did something you didn’t expect him to ever do in the presence of Jirou. Or just in general because you thought that maybe he had some sense in him. The man was completely oblivious to everything, of course something like this would happen. 

“Yeah be careful with your hands, they might not be as soft if you keep being so clumsy.” Then he,

Pinched. Your. Cheek. 

You held down a gag. The moment of softness and ease was immediately snatched away. Jirou looked  hurt as she tied up a garbage bag. Why would he say that? Why would he do that!? Especially in front of Jirou? He must have realized his mistake when Jirou threw the bag to the floor and stormed out the room in an instant. 

You and Kaminari stared at the doorway with your jaws to the floor. 

“Kaminari what the hell was that!? You know she still has feelings for you, why did you do that!?”

Kaminari raised his hands in defense. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make her mad! It just came out before I could think about it!”

“You can’t just...” You groaned into your hand, trying to calm your nerves. “Kami, you can’t just make flirty jokes like that in front of the girl you just rejected! The whole day you asked if I needed help instead of her, I'm sure she was already pretty pissed off!”

“I know, yeah, it’s just hard to think about other people when I still- you know…” Kaminari’s eyes drifted to the floor.

Right. You forgot he still had feelings for you. “Yeah, I know I get it.” You looked him in the eye. “Just keep your boundaries, don’t flirt with me like that in front of her or like in general, you know how I feel.”

He paused, his expression turning sour. “I don’t know how you feel, we haven’t properly talked about this. And I don’t know where our boundaries are, I kinda never knew where they were in the first place.” 

“What do you mean you never knew where they were? When did we ever touch each other’s faces like that? I don’t remember you showing any romantic gestures before you confessed.”

“What? I’ve always done that kinda stuff, and you've done it to me too.” He held his hand out. “You would always hold my hand and rub it and stuff, how is that not a flirty gesture.”

“Kaminari I do that with my other friends too!” 

“Oh really, like who?” 

You paused, racking your brain for any proof to back you up. You didn’t want him to be right, it felt like there was someone on the tip of your tongue who you held hands with all the time. Then it hit. The only other person who held your hand from night to morning, when either of you were struggling, whenever they just felt like it was,

“Todoroki…” you groaned.

“Exactly.” He nodded. “You only did that with the guy you liked and me. So how can that not be considered a flirty gesture, I thought you only did that with the people you liked!”

You were taken aback, you never thought he saw you holding his hand as a romantic thing. But if that did look like one, then it explained why so many people thought you two were dating. You couldn’t remember if the two of you even flirted that much, everything past the night of the dance was hazy.

You sank into your chair. “Ok, yeah, I get what you mean. That does seem kinda flirty when you put it that way…” You inspected your palm as you thought about how much damage a simple hand hold could bring. “Should we just stop hanging out then, I mean what do we even do?”

“What, no way! We just gotta set up some new boundaries.” He pulled a sheet of paper from his backpack and tore it in half. “Write down stuff you don’t want me to do anymore on the front and stuff you do want me to do on the back! I’ll do the same for you.”

You reached for the paper and continued to stare at him. The two of you would get into stupid arguments alot, but your relationship would always get stronger in the end. This made you a little happier than usual, yeah he was a bit of a pain but he always tried his best to salvage your friendship in different ways.

As you thought back on the past week you realized how ridiculous it was for you to be scared in confronting him about his confession. No matter what, he would always come back and you felt beyond grateful to have a friend like him.

“Hey what are you crying for!?” Kaminari‘s hands almost went to your face, but just as quickly retracted. You ran your sleeve over your wet face with an awkward laugh. You didn’t even feel any tears running down. (You were probably a little too used to crying)

You waved him off, beginning to write away your new set of boundaries for Kaminari.

By the time class started you were forming a plan in your head. You were going to fix all of the relationships that went haywire on the trip, you were not going to sit in your self pity anymore you needed to move on! You doodled your plan out on your worksheet.

Step one: you would talk your problems out with Jirou and discuss how you two would move on from that night.

Step two: You knew Kaminari didn’t want his relationship to be so bad with Jirou, he probably wanted the two of them to be friends again, so get those two to communicate somehow!

Step three:.....

Your pencil hovered over the next step. The only other person who you had to make amends with made you squirm. You silently freaked out as you went over how and where you would approach him but every scenario ended with him still unhappy with you. You just wanted him back in your everyday schedule, and you were sure you could do it, but you needed to figure that out later, right now focus on friends.

You decided to text the group chat you made with the girls that didn’t include Jirou. You sneakily pulled out your phone as the teacher went over a lecture and typed away.

That was it. She didn’t say anything else, but left it very ominous like. You glanced over to Momo but she only sent you a wink before typing away on her phone, not texting your group chat but someone else it seemed. You tried to switch your attention to the lecture but Todoroki caught your eye.

He wasn’t looking at you, or anything actually, he was propped up on his hand falling fast asleep. Todoroki didn’t start napping in class until after the trip. He seemed more exhausted than normal, he would answer questions wrong when called on, he zoned out when others talked to him, and would have slower reactions during training.

Midoriya and Uraraka constantly talked about how zombie-like he had been since the trip and it worried you. You shouldn’t be because he was a jerk that night, but you couldn’t help it. You still cared for him. 

The sound of the bell snapped you out of your thoughts and you began packing away your things. You were feeling a little nervous for whatever plan Momo had created but you tried your best to calm your nerves. You just hoped her plan would make everything go back to normal.

Mina called for you as soon as you left the classroom, with Uraraka and Momo by her side. “(Y/n)!” She grabbed your hand. “Come here hurry hurry we need to grab a table before anyone else does!”

“Oh okay, what’s the plan going to be?” You asked.

Momo piped up beside you as you all rushed through the halls. “So I took a bit of your plan into consideration, but instead of lying to everyone…” you all turned around a corner. “I decided to tell them to meet up for group therapy! So now they all know what they’re coming into!”

You cocked your head. “All? How many people were affected during that trip!?”

“Oh don’t worry, the only people getting counseled are you, Kaminari, Jirou, and Todoroki!”

You gasped. As soon as you heard his name you tripped, nearly pulling Mina down with you. “Wha- You invited him too!?”

“Who, Todo-“

You slapped your hands onto Momo’s mouth making her go quiet. “Yes him! I thought it was only going to be Kaminari, Jirou, and I! What if he… does something?”

“Aw don’t worry. We’ll  all be here for moral support!” Uraraka said. “I'm sure the two of you will probably leave the cafeteria with an even stronger relationship than before!”

Momo nodded peeling your hand off. “Yes, I hope you can get your frustrations out! He’ll understand what you‘re feeling this way.”

“Guy’s c’mon let's hurry it up!” Mina said.

You nodded, feeling dazed as they settled into a table. You appreciated the girl's optimism but it didn’t change the fact that you were still terrified. You felt your heart get caught in your throat while you had this mixed feeling of queasiness and butterflies, just thinking about him activated too many bodily reactions.

You didn’t know if you were ready to talk to him yet. The imagery of him looking disgusted that night continuously flashed in your head over and over. ‘What made you think I wanted you to do that’ the words he said repeating in your mind as the girls talked.

Uraraka asked something but you accidentally tuned her out. “I’m sorry? What’d you say?” 

“I asked if you were okay.” She gestured to your hand. “You’re shaking.”

You hid your hand under the table. “Oh, yeah I’m fine just uh… nervous.”

“Oh, take deep breaths with me!”

“No it’s fine! I’m just a little nervous.”

“Shhh! Just copy me!”

You watched Uraraka as she closed her eyes and took meditative breaths, studying her breathing pattern. Inhaling for a few seconds, holding, exhaling. Inhale….hold....exhale. You slowly closed your eyes and let your worries slip out of your mind, only focusing on your breathing. You were about to get into some heated conversations, you needed something to help calm your nerves and this was it. You felt much looser now than when you first came in.

“That was actually kind of nice. Thank you.” You said.

Uraraka smiled back, looking quite pleased with herself. You began hearing the table gain a few more people, the rest of Bakusquad were beginning to sit at the table. When Kaminari spotted you he walked over to you.

“Hey, are you doing meditation or something?” Kaminari settled into the seat next to you. “I didn’t know he could stress you out without even being here!” 

“Oh shut up,” You slapped his arm. “You’re telling me you’re not nervous? Even when Jirou looks like she wants to strangle you everyday?”

He shook his head. “No way, I’m more hyped since I can yell at Todoroki with an excuse!”

“If that bastard tries to do anything snarky I’ll just kill him at this point.” Bakugou leaned back, letting a few sparks pop from his hand.

“I appreciate the violent gesture Bakugou…” You said.

Kirishima patted Bakugou’s shoulder and leaned back as well. “What he’s trying to say is that we’ve got your back in case he starts being a jerk.”

“Which he often is.” Kaminari coughed.

You rolled your eyes. Your friends figured out when you were out of your zone and somehow knew how to cheer you up (even if it involved threatening your crush). Confidence began to flow through you. You could probably confront him with your friends and get a better hold of your emotions.

As you all talked Jirou came in and chatted away with Momo, completely ignoring you and Kaminari. Time passed as you all changed subjects and casted quick glances to Jirou. You were all waiting for the last person and you couldn’t help but check the time every few seconds. It had already been ten minutes into lunch and Todoroki was a punctual person, you wondered what took him so long. Eventually the rest of the group started to share your thoughts.

Uraraka took out her phone and began dialing. “I texted Todoroki but he never responded,” She turned away from the noise. “I'm gonna call Izuku and ask where he is, you guys should start though!”

Momo clapped her hands together. “That’s fine we can just solve their issues for now! You guys ready?”

You had a gut feeling that Todoroki wouldn’t show up, and with Bakugou’s angry expression you were sure he had the same feeling. Disappointment filled your chest, it felt like he wasn’t trying anymore and it sent a bitter taste down your throat. You wanted him to try and no matter how much you denied it, it felt like a one sided relationship right now.

“Yeah sure let’s start.” Jirou said.

“Great!” Momo exclaimed. “So let’s start with some basics, what happened on the trip that frustrated you?

“Oh that’s easy, Kaminari rejecting me.”

“Uhm it would be Todoroki rejecting me too.”

“Todoroki showing up.” Kaminari said.

You casted him a sideways look. Joking around wasn’t going to get you guys anywhere. “Dude, be serious.”

“I am being serious. If it wasn’t for Todoroki none of this would have happened.” he mumbled. 

You cocked your head as confusion flooded through your mind. You thought the both of you dealt with your issues earlier that morning, you didn’t understand why he decided to bring it up all of a sudden. “He’s not as bad as you make him out to be though 

“Are you kidding? The dude doesn’t care about anyone other than himself!” his tone got more serious. “He would try to be here if he actually cared about you.”

“Todoroki sucks at times but so do I. You keep talking about him so negatively he has bad days like anyone else, I’m sure we're going to make up soon enough.” You tried your best to keep a stable tone, you wanted to believe it but it was hard to do that when Kaminari sounded so accurate to your thinking.

“Why are you so desperate for him?” Jirou piped up.

You paused, your eyebrows furrowing deep. Did you hear her correctly? No, you couldn’t have. “What did you say?”

Momo tried to intervene between you two to stop the conversation from going downhill but you waved her off. You wanted to hear what she had to say.

“I mean you’re all over that guy all the time. Even when he's not here.” She glared at you. “Didn’t he reject you?”

“Jirou why are you being such a jerk? You’ve been so rude this whole week and you’re getting more and more passive aggressive each day.”

She rolled her eyes. “How can I not? The two of you pull stunts like this morning so much it feels like it was done on purpose. I’m not being a ‘jerk’ I’m just pissed off.”

“Same thing!” You threw your hands up. “Look, I’m sorry about this morning but it was not done on purpose, it was just Kam and I being stupid at the wrong time.”

“That is such a lie. You knew he didn’t like me and you wanted me to confess so I could look stupid.”

“Jirou! I didn’t know he liked me until he confessed that night! Nothing was planned!”

As soon as you said that the table let out many gasps and stared at you with their jaws to the floor. You looked over to Kaminari whose face went completely red but you didn’t know what you said that was so crazy. “What’s wrong, what did I say?”

“When did Kaminari confess to you!?” Kirishima leaned over the table, looking at the both of you.

You facepalmed, you forgot that the two of you were trying to keep that a secret. 

Bakugou scoffed. “I knew there was something up with those two all along. They were being too damn weird.”

As Uraraka began a rant about how she was right and you were wrong, you and Kaminari both shared a mutual embarrassment of having your secret loose. You felt sweat pinch and roll off your skin, the tension on the both of you physically burned. 

You were so busy with Jirou you hadn’t noticed that you had revealed your secret. She was trying to drag this conversation but it continued to go into circles. You wanted her to understand that the both of you were not intending to hurt her but she just let her insecurities continue to get the best of her.

“I warned you!” Uraraka pointed at you. “I knew he was going to do something, I just had a gut feeling ya know?”

Jirou nodded. “See everyone knew he liked you. It’s impossible for you to not know it too, it’s such an obvious lie.”

“Jirou, that makes no sense. Just because they knew doesn’t mean I believed it, I only see him as a friend. I mean me and him even set up boundaries for each other!” You felt like you were going to lose your mind. She was dragging this thing on for too long and it all made no sense.

“Yeah Jirou, I’m sorry if it looks like we’ve been pushing you too far. We could maybe make a list of boundaries for you too.” He motioned to his backpack.

“I don’t want to make a list of boundaries! Knowing how you are you’ll probably break them.” Jirou snapped.

Kaminari looked hurt but before you could yell at her for being insensitive Uraraka put her hand on Jirou’s shoulder. “Ok, I think that’s enough. Jirou you’re letting your insecurities get the best of you, I know my friends they wouldn’t do anything manipulative like that. You need to calm down.”

Mina stepped behind Jirou. “Yeah, I mean they should have told us about the confession a long time ago!” She glared at the both of you. “But they wouldn’t ever try to be mean on purpose, I’m sure of it!”

Jirou looked down at the table. She looked seriously in thought, maybe considering the words they were speaking to her. “I just find it hard to believe that-”

You stood from the table. You were not going to listen to her go on another rant about how everyone was against her, you were not in the mood for it. At this point she needed to trust her friends because you couldn’t give anymore reassurance.

“I’m going to lose my mind, I’m this close to throwing my drink at you,” sounds of your friends' protests went your way but you waved them off. “I mean I’m not! But I’m only going to apologize for this morning, everything else is just a conspiracy you made up in your head. I don’t care if you’re angry, just don’t take that out on me.”

The two of you stared at each other, her eyes were unreadable. You couldn’t tell if your words got across to her, but either way you didn’t care, you needed a break. As the two of you stared at each other the bell interrupted your thoughts. You sighed out of relief and walked to class with Mina and Uraraka, Momo wanted to stay back with Jirou.

“I’m really sorry about Todoroki!” Uraraka said. “I didn’t know that he wouldn’t show up at all.”

“No it’s not your fault at all! He sucks and you shouldn’t take the blame for him.” You pinched her cheeks.

Mina wrapped your arm into hers. “Don’t worry, he’s being a jerk but I’m sure the two of you will make up. I mean he looks at you in class all the time.”

You choked on your spit going into a coughing fit. What was she talking about? Everytime you made eye contact with him he would glare you down. He avoided you and your usual route to class, he hadn’t acknowledged you at all what was she talking about?

“Don’t tell me you don’t see that! He looks at you so much I’m always sure you would notice him.” Mina continued.

“I don’t think he could have been looking at me… maybe he was daydreaming in my direction?”

Mina and Uraraka gave you a funny look before shaking their heads. As soon as you entered class the memory of lunch and Todoroki left your mind, all you could think of now was the lesson about ribs and how to not break them. Something about how you have three sets of ribs… blah blah, you felt yourself falling asleep and that’s how the rest of your classes went boring!

You were ready for the weekend, maybe this could be the first weekend you didn’t cry away. You were starting to feel better and it was thanks to your friends' help. When the day ended you walked out with the Baku squad, listening to Bakugou y’all about how he knew you two were hiding something. You and Kaminari had to explain what happened on the trip and why Jirou was going crazy. It felt nice talking to them about that night without crying. You were getting over it.

You decided to go to the dorms and sleep the day off, you didn’t need to worry about homework! Your friends wanted to go shopping instead, so you all went your separate ways, you felt great, like nothing would bring you down. You decided to make yourself a cup of tea before taking a nap, hoping the warmth would help guide you into a meditative sleep.

As you were searching for tea you spotted one of Todoroki’s teacups. It was the one you saw in his hands every morning, asking if you wanted a sip every time he saw you were awake. It hurt seeing it there, almost placed there on purpose. Everything was much simpler then and you wish you could go back.

You hid the cup as soon as you heard someone come into the common room, busying yourself with finding a tea packet. But when you glanced over to see who it was your eyes were met with two heterochromatic ones. 

“What are you doing here?” You whispered more to yourself than him.

“Getting tea,” The two of you stood not moving at all, you were so shocked to see him this whole encounter didn’t feel real. “It’s behind you.” he gestured.

“Oh.” You moved out his way in a daze. You still couldn’t believe that he was standing right in front of you, you couldn’t process anything.

The silence continued as you both waited for the water to heat up, not looking at each other. Soon enough he began pouring his tea and using his quirk to cool it down to his preferred temperature. He was about to walk away but then your body moved on its own again, grabbing his wrist. You couldn’t let him leave yet.

“We need to talk.” You said. He exhaled and stood in place. “I don’t know why you’re acting like nothing happened. Why didn’t you show up for lunch?”

“I was busy.” No emotion in his voice like before, his eyes were unreadable. You remember Todoroki acting like this when you met in his “I’m not here to make friends” phase. A reminder that you were back to square one.

“Midoriya and Uraraka said even they couldn’t get a hold of you today.” You cleared your throat, preventing yourself from making any voice cracks. “And you haven’t been responding to my calls from the past week either, how can you be that busy?”

Todoroki continued to stare at you, then he directed his eyes elsewhere. “What happened to your hand?”

You hid it from his view. “What? Don’t change the subject. I know you’re avoiding me and I’m sorry for kissing you that night.” You held your jittery hand, your nerves were acting out again. “It wasn’t okay, I messed up and I'm sorry, but can you try and save our relationship? Please?”

“I don’t know what I can give you.” His tone was cold almost like he was bored of you.

“Duh-uh clarity? What do you see our relationship as right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well you could make an effort to think about it!” He only looked at you with that stupid confused expresssion and it was pissing you off. “Shouto! Why are you being so-”

He flipped his head around way too fast, Aggression settling into his features. “Don’t call me that.” He snapped. “I see you as a classmate. Nothing else.”

You felt your heart drop into your stomach and your fingers go numb. You felt heat rise behind your eyes and into your chest, it all pissed you off. You were putting so much work into whatever this relationship was and he didn’t do a thing. It was all one sided.

“Goodnight (Y/L/N).” He said your last name to make a point. Show that he wasn’t planning on being as close anymore and walked away for real that time.

You were beyond angry, hot tears built up inside you and you couldn’t help but to angrily wipe them away. You didn’t want to cry over him and you felt your tears betraying your thoughts. You wished you weren't so calm, you wished you screamed at him and cursed his name. But you didn’t. You were crying over him and it pissed you off even further as you climbed into your dorm. As you banged your head on the wall at how angry you were you got a text from Midoriya.

You brought your attention away from the text to the sound of a light knocking at your door, too light to be Todoroki. When you opened the door you were surprised to see Jirou facing you. She was fidgeting with a bag in her hands and teetering on her toes.

You quickly wiped away any stray tears from your face, “Hi... what are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” You stared at her, unmoving from your position behind the door, until she held the bag up. “I brought snacks.”

You peeked into the bag and noticed a few good snacks, with another quick glance you widened the door. Letting her take her shoes off by the door, and pulling a snack or two out. “You can sit if you want.”

Jirou sat stiff against the chair, her eyes wandering around the room until they landed on you. You pretended to not notice her stare by opening a bag of chips, hoping she would explain her reasoning for coming. You felt like the day only continued to get more hectic, just continuous disagreement and blaming, you weren’t sure if you could handle another argument.

“I Uhm talked to Uraraka, she said that I should apologize to the both of you.” You glanced up from your snack. “I mean I didn’t agree with her at first obviously, but after a while I was in my room thinking about what I said and it all just sounded stupid.” She swiveled in your chair, fidgeting with her earlobes. “I think I just let my fears get the best of me, but how I treated you this past week was gross.”

You thought her words over as you inspected a chip, really trying to see if you could forgive her right now. She accused you of saving Kaminari as a second choice to Todoroki, ignored you for the past week, called you desperate, etc. So you really wanted to be sue you could accept her apology without mulling over it for the next week.

“Yeah it sucked, you were jealous of me for no reason and it bothered me. It was like you were trying to blame me for him rejecting you, and no matter what we told you, you were stuck on that theory.”

“I get it. I was being so stupid about it- I mean I was being stupid about everything.” She rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe I got jealous over Kaminari of all people.”

You giggled moving to sit on your bed. “Yeah, morons will make you feel all kinds of ways. But I think I can forgive you for the lunch thing, everything else might take some time.”

“I’ll take that. Baby Steps then?” You nodded patting the space next to you on the bed. She shuffled her way over, adjusting herself. “And sorry for doing that when I knew you were hurting. I never asked if you were okay and just bombarded you with more stuff.” She glanced at you, searching your face for a defined emotion. “I mean are you okay?”

As soon as you heard that you let out a gasp you didn’t know you were holding. Your lips started to quiver and it was like she set something off inside of you that you couldn’t control, that dropping feeling in your stomach came up again and emotions began swirling inside. You rubbed your eyes to stop them from betraying you, you didn’t want to embarrass yourself again.

“Uh-hm,” your voice wavered, “I’m…. yeah…” You tried your best to form a sentence but the tightness in your throat wouldn’t let you speak without any tears running loose. But when she patted your hand and asked if you were really okay, the waterworks started flowing. You couldn’t hold back the hiccupy gasps and sobbed into your hands. It felt so weird crying in front of someone, she hesitantly pulled her arms around you, patting your back to soothe you.

“I miss him s-so much he’s not the same,” Your words muffled into your hand. “And I dunno I missed you too and everything just really really shucks. You both shoved me away and I felt so helpless like I didn’t know what to do…”

“I’m so sorry.” She pulled you in a little tighter. “I’ll be a better friend, I swear. I won’t do something that stupid again.”

The two of you stayed like that for a while, just until your sobbing went down into light sniffles. She tried to calm you down and waited it out for you, you felt happy about that. As time went by you somehow ended up watching a movie with your head resting on her shoulder. It felt comfortable, you didn’t realize how much you missed cuddling with friends and watching movies. You found yourself enjoying her company, so different compared to watching a movie by yourself in the dark, this felt safe and happy.

You felt your eyelids slowly close, the scenes of the movie starting to blur out. Jirou was fast asleep next to you but somehow held the phone up still, you glanced over her and then took it from her hands. You hooked it up to a charger before you woke up to a dead battery. But before you could go back to bed a text from Midoriya caught your eye. You rubbed your eyes to adjust, but as soon as you read the message you dropped the phone, pure surprise overtaking your mind. You didn’t know what to think as you reread the message over and over, it continued to stay the same:

Midoriya: Can you join me for dinner at Todoroki’s house?

How do you even respond to that?

Prev. Masterlist. Next

——————

Tag list: @mrsreina @mysterypotatoink @eternal-fangirling @monviemoo @icythotsenpai @bnhaismylife @yayeetboisdummythiccbooty @mindofzaina @akariblue @gayverlinq @sweets-r-cool @spideyfox1967 @curiosity-fulfills @uwu-scum @chiaki-kinnie @simixchan

(Some tags might not show up)

[lloydskywalkers]

exposure therapy

Prompt three for @ninjago-angst-week , this one’s “hunger” - I’m taking a kind of...loose interpretation of it, I guess?? Listen hunger can go for a lot of things and I’ve been wanting to write something about Lloyd and abandonment issues for forever so!! That’s what this is.

it’s also the longest prompt yet oops 

(Takes place between s7 and s8!)

Lloyd is about four years old the first time someone leaves him and doesn’t come back.

He says about because he doesn’t really remember it all too well – he’s listened to the others bicker enough to know that technically you don’t start forming concrete memories until like, age five or something, and any that you do form before that you probably forget by the time you’re old enough to care.

Lloyd remembers the sting, though. In his eyes, that is – the ache in his chest was a whole lot worse than a sting, but it’s not like he’s going to spend that much time trying to describe it when he’s trying to get over it. And he is – over it, that is. He’s over being left alone on the doorsteps of some dumb school as a kid because no one cared enough to take him in. He’s over being the kid without a family for years and years because his parents left him and didn’t come back, because his uncle didn’t care enough to visit him, because clearly there was something wrong with him—

No, that’s – no, he reminds himself. They were busy, that’s all. With way more important things than some snot-nosed little kid who was pretty much useless at the time, and even better at causing trouble.

There’s nothing wrong with Lloyd. He’s over it, has been, and will continue to be, because someone in the mess that’s the family line of the First Master needs to have themselves together.

And if it does sting, sometimes, when he thinks about doorsteps and windows and how stupid he felt when he realized no one was coming back—

Well. It’s not worse than what the others have to deal with, is it? Lloyd should be thankful that’s all he’s been dealt.

(That and the whole, like, green-ninja-savior-of-the-world stuff, of course, but that’s — kinda whatever, at the moment. No one’s asked him to fight an ungodly being anytime recently, and Lloyd isn’t gonna complain.)

__ __ __ __

The thing about carefully constructing nice little (enormous) walls in your head to block out all the messy stuff is that, eventually, you’re going to have a few cracks in them to patch up. And while Lloyd’s dealt with those cracks before, he kind of wasn’t…really expecting this one.

“Oh,” he says, and he’s proud of how his voice doesn’t waver. Twice proud, really, because it’s been threatening to crack a lot lately, and that’s not just from emotion. “Yeah. That does make sense, I guess.”

Kai nods. “I mean, I don’t like the idea of us all splitting up, but it’s the best way to cover ground.”

“Additionally, this is a rare time in which Ninjago is not facing any immediate threat,” Zane chimes in. “If danger does occur, we should have plenty of time to regroup.”

Nya taps her foot. “I don’t like it,” she mutters. “And I don’t like leaving Ninjago City on its own.”

Especially with someone running around with my Samurai X armor on, is her unspoken complaint.

“We’re wasting time just sitting around like this,” Cole retorts. “The sooner we get out looking, the sooner we find Sensei, and the sooner we can come back.”

Lloyd looks down. The pain in Cole’s voice is obvious, and Lloyd knows he misses Sensei Wu. Lloyd misses him, too, but Cole’s always had a close sort of relationship with him.

Lloyd takes a breath. He’s leader now, right? Time to act like it.

“I can stay behind in the city,” he says, even as his brain gives him a nice little Lloyd what the heck warning. “That way I can keep an eye out for trouble, and listen for any tips on Sensei.”

Kai immediately looks concerned. Nya’s eyes spear into him. “You’re alright with that?”

Lloyd shrugs. “Finding Sensei’s first priority,” he says. “But someone’s gotta make sure the country doesn’t burn down.” He flashes Kai a smile. “Seriously, I’m taking the easy job from you guys. I’ll be fine.”

“Pixal can watch out for him on comms, as well,” Zane says, slowly. “That way you won’t be entirely on your own.” Kai nods at that, and Nya relaxes a bit.

Lloyd sours. He’s not a child anymore — they can stop treating him like one. They just made him leader, didn’t they?

A small part of him (a large part), though, has to admit that the thought of Pixal being with him brings no small amount of relief.

“Alright,” Lloyd says, trying to sound authoritative. “That’s it, then. We’ll split out at the end of the week. And we will find Sensei.”

“Fingers crossed,” Jay murmurs.

No one looks particularly excited about the plan, but they’re at least eager to start moving. Lloyd, for his part, takes the building amount of dread at the thought of watching them all leave, shoves it in a corner, and locks the door on it.

It’s not like they’re leaving-leaving. They’re coming right back, obviously. Lloyd is just – being paranoid, that’s all. His team is strong, and Kai definitely isn’t gonna go down to some low-level crooks while traveling the countryside.

(They aren’t like – her, either.)

And speaking of his family — Lloyd finds himself wondering, later, when exactly he started calling Wu sensei in his head, instead of uncle.

He thinks it might have been after Morro. That was around the time he started to feel like he didn’t have the right.

__ __ __ __

He says goodbye to the others at the end of the week. Jay and Cole are going together, and so are Kai and Zane.

He and Nya will be on their own.

No one is super excited about that development, either, but it makes sense. The guys are taking the more dangerous areas, so they’ll need backup. He and Nya can handle themselves just fine on their own – Lloyd isn’t even leaving the city. He’s got it easy.

Besides, the guys are used to working in groups. He and Nya are more experienced with functioning on their own. They’ve had to be, that’s all. They’re more familiar with fighting while knowing there’s no one watching your back.

They close up the monastery for now, everything in neat boxes and beds made indefinitely. They don’t pack much – either from convenience or hope that they won’t be away long, no one’s really sure. They say goodbye and make promises to check in as often as possible. Kai hugs Lloyd extra tight, his spiky hair ticking the top of Lloyd’s forehead as he’s crushed against him. Lloyd doesn’t mind, not even when he’s pretty sure Cole almost cracks a rib with his.

And then they leave, all trailing off in different directions, leaving Lloyd standing alone on the edge of the floating island, wind whipping cold through his hair, the monastery eerily silent behind him.

And it’s…

…he’s fine with it.

Like — there’s this weird sort of ache in his chest, kind of like he forgot to eat this morning, so he’s all empty and yearning inside, but that’s – that’s fine.

Perfectly fine.

__ __ __ __

It occurs to him, after he has what’s definitely not a breakdown that definitely does not last long at all, that he’s volunteered to look after Ninjago City, and Ninjago City is a considerable amount of distance from the Airjitzu Temple.

It hits him immediately after that moving to Ninjago City requires somewhere to live. He probably…should have thought of that before everyone left. Maybe he should call—

No. Lloyd shakes himself. He’s leader now. He can’t keep relying on the others for everything. He can find an apartment or something all by himself — how hard can it be, right? The guys found one for all of them back when they were a bunch of half-trained ninja and Lloyd still came up to about Kai’s knee. This is one apartment, for one person. And Lloyd’s got money — he thinks. Somewhere.

…maybe.

Stupid sensei creeds of peace and their obsession with not owning anything material—

Okay fine, so Lloyd’s got zip-zero-nada in the way of family inheritance, but his mother, who took off last week — yeah, she’s leaving too, big surprise —

Lloyd shoves down the spark of bitterness. Misako has better things to do than babysitting him, like finding Sensei Wu. And she did send him money, so he doesn’t even know why he’s feeling all empty about it. She’s made sure he’s not gonna starve and she sent him the name of a housing agent, Lloyd can’t ask for much more.

Maybe a nice landlord, but that’s about it.

__ __ __ __

On the list of bright sides to look at: finding an apartment isn’t as mind-numbingly difficult as he’d thought it’d be. He didn’t name drop or anything, but he did kinda have to fill out his full name on the application, so maybe that’s why. Either way, it wasn’t as bad as he’d worked it up to be, so that’s nice.

On the not so bright side — standing in the middle of his brand-new and also completely-empty apartment, it occurs to him that he should probably have asked for like, curtains, at the least. Or a table. How much do beds cost?

On the whole, though, it’s not a bad place. Really. Like – okay, he does need to get a bed and stuff in here, but – the walls are a nice color, and it’s got a little kitchenette off to the side, and the shower works, and the windows provide both a nice view and an easy way to slip outside to the rooftops. His neighbor is also pretty nice, in the way that he doesn’t hate Lloyd’s guts on sight, so that’s cool.

(Look, the way his life goes, guts-hating is just something you prepare for.)

His landlord is actually a landlady, and she’s mean, the kind of mean that makes Lloyd think of one of his Darkley’s teachers. But she’s got about eight cats that roam about the apartment at will, and she lets Lloyd bring in the stragglers he finds late at night on patrol and adopts them sometimes, so Lloyd could honestly care less if she actually was a teacher at Darkley’s. He gets to pet cats! On a daily basis!

(And maybe cry into the fatter one’s fur at two in the morning when he stumbles in from patrol sometimes but nobody needs to know that part.)

It’s like he’s off to college, he tells himself as he stares at the ceiling trying to fall asleep, in the apartment that’s completely empty except for him. If college was a full-time job that included regularly getting shot at by criminals and the police on the occasional bad night, of course, and if he’d actually finished high school, which he’s pretty sure you have to do if you want to get into college…he thinks. School is not a strong point for Lloyd, considering about eighty percent of his education came from Jay, Nya and Zane trying to stuff advanced algebra down his brain.

Either way, the analogy holds. Lloyd can just pretend he’s off to college, and before he knows it he’ll be back home and everyone else will be too. They’ll all come back.

They will.

__ __ __ __

He likes to think he has reason for being scared about it all the time, even though he’s the green ninja and team leader now so he shouldn’t be scared, much less of something this stupid, but it just. It blends together, sometimes. Whether he’s watching through cage bars or lingering after a funeral, held on the edge of a plane or standing on the deck of the Bounty while war rages below.

People leave. That’s life, that’s all.

That doesn’t mean Lloyd has to like it, but he does have to live with it. And he’s gotten really, really good at that.

__ __ __ __

He starts a growing list of bright sides to focus on, in what’s totally not a desperate attempt to keep up the optimism angle. His first attempts are decorating his apartment, which is actually kinda fun. He scrounges up a couch somehow and sinks entirely too much of his budget on little house plants and cool wall prints he finds in the market, and he probably didn’t need the little dragon lamp, but Mystake pawned it off on him when he stopped in for tea one day, so he starts basing the general aesthetic around that. See, bright sides.

Another one of these bright sides is that Ninjago City starts putting in sky trams the week he moves in to his apartment.

He’s a little wary, at first. Sky trams are like subways but in the sky, which means a whole lot more trouble if someone decides to hijack a subway and hold it hostage, or something. But then he pulls himself up on the roof, clambers over onto a station, takes a few tentative steps out over the thick steel cables, and — oh yeah, he gets it now. Lloyd’s never been scared of heights, and dangling this high above the city, skipping over traffic jams and cutting his patrol time in half, is something he can definitely get used to.

He gets in a whole lot of trouble the first few days for scaring the operators half to death, but all in all — worth it. Once the trams start running he trades the cables for the top of the cars, letting them steer him wherever they want in the city. It’s got a pretty great view of the sunset, which he’s been missing since leaving the Airjitzu temple, and the others are gonna love it when they come back.

Because they are coming back.

Lloyd’s just dangling one leg over the edge of the sky tram, considering dangling the other so he can drum them both on the side of the empty car, when his phone blares loudly and nearly sends all of him off the sky tram side.

“Hello?” he manages, clinging to the side of the sky tram with one hand, holding the phone to his ear with the other.

“Lloyd!” Kai’s voice is loud and cheerful over the phone, and Lloyd winces at the volume. “Hey bud, how’s it goin’? I didn’t catch you in the middle of anything, did I?”

Lloyd watches where his feet dangle over open air, the city far down below. “Nah,” he says, and carefully pulls himself back up. “Just finishing up patrol. How — how are you doing? Is everything okay?”

“Oh yeah, we’re good,” Kai assures him. “Just stuck between towns for the night, Zane didn’t wanna drive anymore.”

“Good for him,” Lloyd says. He bites his lip. “So uh, any luck?”

Kai sighs heavily over the phone. “Not yet,” he says. His voice picks up in determination. “But we’re still looking. We’ll find him, okay? No one’s giving up yet.”

“Yeah,” Lloyd exhales what might be a laugh. “I know.” He glances toward the horizon, the setting sun leaving white spots in his vision. “How’s it been, though, for you? Where all have you guys gone so far?”

“Oh man, we’ve been everywhere—“

Lloyd leans back on the roof of the sky tram as Kai fills him in on their ongoings. He closes his eyes, letting the conversation wash over him, Zane’s voice occasionally interjecting a point as Kai argues back.

Lloyd swallows. Kai’s voice is warm and familiar, and he feels a sudden ache of homesickness so bad that tears almost prick at his eyes.

Get it together, he thinks frantically, swiping at his left eye. It hasn’t even been a month yet.

“Lloyd?” Kai’s voice has turned uncertain. “You okay?”

Lloyd startles up, shaking his head. “Yeah, yeah I’m good,” he says, quickly. “Just a little tired. My uh, my landlady has a bunch of cats? And I stayed up late chasing one down last night.”

Kai snorts loudly. “I feel like you’re gonna have a lot of stories about cats when we get back,” he sighs, and the hollow part in Lloyd’s chest warms at the fond note in his voice.

“Or a couple cats.”

“Yeah, sure, good luck with that.” Lloyd can hear the grin in Kai’s voice. “Aw — shoot, I gotta go, but I’ll check back in, okay? In the meantime, take care of yourself before the cats, Master Lloyd.”

Lloyd rolls his eyes. “Will do, mom.”

“And that’s enough snark from you this evening, young man.”

Lloyd tells Kai goodbye on a laugh, and waits for him to end the call first. The evening grows unusually quiet without Kai’s voice to fill the silence, and Lloyd bites his lip.

Master Lloyd, he thinks absently, swinging his leg out over the edge as he watches the lights of the city turn on down below. He snorts without humor.

What does it say, he wonders, that they make him master, then immediately decide to jet off all over the country before he can actually lead them?

Probably something bad, Lloyd thinks to himself. He shakes his head, stifling a yawn. He’s too tired to even imagine what the others’ answers to that question would be. It’s not like they’re here to voice them, anyways, and Lloyd would probably get them wrong.

__ __ __ __

Kai’s text comes in clockwork as promised, reminding him to eat and take care of himself and eat, please, something other than just junk food. Nya’s follows almost immediately after, reminding him to do laundry and take care and take a shower, I know you’ve been skipping—

Normally Lloyd might have some snappy remark to send back about mother hens. This time he ends up staring at the texts until his eyes water, the empty ache in his chest growing tight. Half of him is considering blocking off his schedule so he can video call them for a couple hours, like they used to pester him with when he was off being the Golden Ninja around Ninjago, when his dad was still—

Right. Anyways. The team stays solid on their promise to keep in touch, and two hours later he gets a text from Jay. It’s a slightly blurry picture of him throwing the camera the peace sign as Cole struggles with camping gear, with a quick “hope you’re doing alright!” that follows after.

Lloyd laughs at the expression on Cole’s face, then spends the next two hours trying not to cry into his pillow, because yes, he’s that pathetic.

He wants to go home.

But see – it’s stupid, ‘cause he can’t. He can’t go home, because there is no home to go home to. His home ran off all over Ninjago and sure, while he can call them, he can’t go home to them because there isn’t – a home that’s home because they’re all there anymore.

“I mean, that probably doesn’t make any sense to you,” he finishes, ducking his head. “But that’s like…where I’m at.”

“No, I believe I understand.” Pixal’s voice is soft over his car’s radio. “Your home is people, and they’re out of reach from you. You could run to them, but there’s no guarantee they will stay.”

“Yeah, that’s — that’s exactly it,” Lloyd blinks.

Pixal makes a quiet noise. “My home is a person as well, Lloyd,” she admits. Her voice turns rueful. “But I cannot go anywhere. Not really.”

“Oh.” Lloyd’s stomach twists. Geez, he’s here feeling sorry for himself when Pixal doesn’t even have a body. Why doesn’t she have a body? They should get on that—

“Don’t worry yourself about it,” Pixal says gently. “I am fine. And our people will return, we just have to be patient. It’s only been a month.”

“Just a month?” Lloyd glances at his phone, checking the tiny digital calendar. His eyes catch the date ahead and his stomach turns. Oh. He hadn’t known that date was — that soon.

He quickly thinks of something else.

“Hey,” Lloyd says, breaking the silence. “What if I like – what if we snatched some old robot model from Mr. Borg for the day, and we checked out that new market downtown?”

Pixal is quiet for a beat, and the silence sounds almost guilty. “That wouldn’t — I’m afraid that’s not quite possible at the moment.”

“Oh.” It’s Lloyd’s turn to fall quiet for a moment. Then—

“Okay, but what if I brought you with me as a radio? I can just lug it around the whole time, and you can look at – aw, shoot, you gotta be able to see too – what if I brought you as like, my phone or something, like a laptop and I just have Skype running the whole time—“

Pixal sighs. “The radio will work just fine.” Her voice is more amused than exasperated, and Lloyd feels a wild surge of relief that he didn’t just drive her away, too.

__ __ __ __

Look, he knows he didn’t drive them away. Okay? He gets that they needed to split up. And he’s used to it. People leave all the time, and he should just be glad this isn’t one of the permanent ones. Because he’s had a lot of people leave him for really, really long times, too. He’s used to it.

The only problem there is that if he is, in fact, used to it, he should be desensitized to it, and not – feel as much, about it.

It’s not even like they leave him, really. It’s Lloyd. Lloyd is the one complicating things or driving people away or failing one too many times or just – sending them to Cursed Realms and losing them in a time stream because he couldn’t—

It’s Lloyd. He can’t go blaming them for his own issues.

Besides, it’s not like this time is – it’s not the same. Again, the ninja aren’t leaving-leaving him. They’re splitting up for a mission, they’ll be back.

This isn’t like with Zane. They’ll be back, on their own this time. Lloyd won’t have to wear them down, or lure them to a tournament, or anything. This is different.

It’s different, he tells himself fiercely, staring up at the cracked ceiling of his apartment, the ceiling fan drifting in slow, dizzy circles. This is different.

__ __ __ __

On Lloyd’s list of Things He’s Never Going To Voice Out Loud, To Any Sane Person: sometimes he feels like Morro’s still in his head.

Like – it’s trauma, he gets that. It’s bad memories and flashbacks and whatever acronym Zane keeps throwing at him that Lloyd can’t remember.

But sometimes the voice is just – it’s Morro’s grating timbre pitch for pitch, all mocking and bitter and sneaking up on him at the worst of times. Like right now, when it’s been two weeks since he last heard from anyone, and the silence in his apartment is getting too loud.

It’s you, the voice’ll say. That’s why they left. They grew tired of you. You drove them away.

Shut up, Lloyd thinks.

You’re not useful to them anymore, you know that, right? You couldn’t even save your own uncle, much less lead anyone. Why would they keep you around after that?

Shut up! Lloyd thunks his head against the wall, eyes squeezing shut tight. A throbbing pain echoes from the impact, and he winces.

Oops, he thinks, staring dully at the dent in the bathroom wall. Of all the things to get charged extra rent for.

Lloyd shakes his head, as if to shake off the thoughts as well. His wet hair swings out as he does, sending little droplets all over the bathroom mirror. Lloyd makes a face. As if he needed more evidence that his hair is getting too long.

And it is, really. His usual haircut’s almost entirely grown out, shiny blond locks long enough that they can form wavy little curls now. Lloyd brushes one from his face as he digs through the cluttered drawer of his bathroom vanity for scissors. It’s taking him a minute, because it’s a bit of a mess, but he’s not going to just admit that, not when Pixal’s been hounding him about cleaning your bathroom a lot lately.

It’s not like she has to live here, Lloyd grumbles to himself. He snatches the scissors from the bottom of the drawer, running a hand through the tangles in his hair and preparing to cut it back into the more familiar style—

Lloyd’s hand suddenly hesitates, his fingers stilling on the scissors.

It’s his father’s style. He’s known that. But looking in the mirror right now, at the sharper edge of his cheekbones and the dark red of his eyes, he realizes that he’s starting to match a little too—

Lloyd swallows. And there’s a reminder. He’d almost forgotten, that the date’s coming up. He isn’t gonna call it an anniversary, because that makes it sound like a celebration, and it’s definitely not, it’s just…an unfortunate date, in Lloyd’s history.

At any rate, he won’t match his dad. Not when his dad’s dead.

And who killed him, I wonder.

Lloyd chucks the scissors back in the drawer so hard he’s pretty sure he hears them break. He slams the drawer shut, exhaling shakily.

You know what, he’s kind of liking the feel of longer hair right now. It looks okay, he thinks. It looks like — well, Lloyd, he guesses.

__ __ __ __

His bathroom is a mess, though. Lloyd should probably clean it. He should probably call the others, too , just because — well, he needs to — he’s leader, so—

He needs an excuse.

Lloyd sighs, toeing the bathroom door shut. Aw, whatever. He can clean it tomorrow.

__ __ __ __

With the benefit of hindsight, Lloyd should probably retract his earlier claim that he’s used to fighting on his own enough not to screw up.

Probably because he screws up.

It’s not even his fault, really. How was he supposed to know that the rumors about the local biker gang getting more aggressive were under-exaggerated? They’re bikers, Lloyd can explode stuff with his hands, it should’ve been an easy fight.

And it was, right up until the part where the biker with the red mask whipped a gun out and shot him through the leg.

Jerk move, Lloyd thinks hazily, half-hopping through his apartment door, trying to stop at least some blood from getting all over the floor. Real jerk move.

He didn’t even catch the guy, either, which makes this whole thing so much worse, he thinks darkly to himself, as he stumbles his way to the bathroom. He probably should’ve just sucked it up and checked himself into the hospital, but Lloyd hates the hospital, and it’s really not that bad. He’s got plenty of medical supplies he stuffed in the sink cabinet of the bathroom, so he can just — patch it up with that real quick, then sleep it off.

You can’t sleep off a gunshot wound, Zane’s voice echoes in his head, and Lloyd blocks it out, carefully lowering himself down to the floor so he can—

His leg suddenly shifts wrong, and it flares in an agony so fiery that Lloyd’s vision goes white for a beat, a high-pitched keening echoing like a bomb’s been set off in his face, except it’s not his face it’s his leg, FSM that hurts, that hurts—

Lloyd braces himself on his forearms, drawing in strained breaths through his nose. It’ll stop hurting in a minute, he knows it will. He just has to give it time. But in the meantime, it’d be really nice — if he could just be sure — it’d be nice to ask Zane, you know, or have like, Nya here, or Kai, or—

The pain in his leg is finally starting to subside, but Lloyd’s still swallowing a sob. He wants his family here. He wants them here now, right now, so they can make it better—

His leg throbs again, and anger lights in his gut. No, you know what? He doesn’t want to see them. He doesn’t want them to come back, because he’s angry at them — he’s angry, they left him here alone and they should feel bad about it, should feel bad that Lloyd’s here all alone with his stupid leg bleeding everywhere, should feel bad when Lloyd doesn’t even wanna see them because he wants them to feel how he feels, all torn up and scared and dumb and miserable—

Lloyd exhales on a gasp, and the dam breaks.

He’s being an idiot, he tells himself fiercely, through hot tears. That’s something nine-year-old brat-from-hell Lloyd would think. Of course he wants them back. It’s not their fault Sensei went missing. None of this is their fault, Lloyd would give his right arm to have them back right now, if he could.

It’s not their fault Lloyd is—

Fine.

He’s fine.

Mostly.

__ __ __ __

Patching his leg is easy, once he manages to stop crying and choke the painkiller down.

Lloyd scrubs at his eyes, sniffling miserably. His nose is horribly stuffed and his head feels like it’s about to explode, but the awful need to sob is finally ebbing into residual shudders that leave Lloyd wrung out, miserable, and just – exhausted, he’s exhausted, that’s the word. Tired. He’s tired of getting up and feeling miserable every day, he’s tired of feeling sorry for himself, he’s tired of missing everyone, and he’s really, stupid tired of bikers that get lucky hits in when he’s got his guard down.

He stares at the dirty floor through grainy eyes. There’s blood all over the linoleum tile, and an old stain right by his foot that looks a lot like dried blood. It probably is blood, he thinks. And now he’s just adding more. Gross.

That’s…probably unsanitary.

On second thought, Pixal has a point. Lloyd does need to clean the bathroom already.

__ __ __ __

Several hours later finds Lloyd on one knee — the other is sprawled out awkwardly as it occasionally sparks green, which he’s ignoring right now — the sleeves of his too-large hoodie pulled up and his hair pushed back by the hideous purple-blue tye-die headband that’d been on sale at the checkout counter when he’d picked up groceries a while back.

He’s hauled the radio into the bathroom, and it’s playing some new synth-pop music that echoes weirdly off the tiles. He thinks he might like the music — that or he’s just been listening to it for too long.

His nose wrinkles as he strains further over the shower floor, scrubbing harder at a particularly stubborn stain. He’s really gotta start taking better care of this place, he thinks.

His leg twinges, and he winces, closing his eyes and taking a breath.

He should…probably start taking better care of himself, while he’s at it. He’s been doing a pretty sucky job, apparently.

Lloyd just wasn’t meant to live alone, he decides dully. It doesn’t suit him.

__ __ __ __

By the fifth day out Lloyd’s leg is starting to heal up pretty nicely. There’s a very large part of him that suspects the unusually quick healing time has something to do with the vivid green that’s bleeding into his irises, growing by the day. He’s not sure where suddenly having green eyes gets off equating to accelerated powers, but he can walk to the grocery store before he starves, so he’ll take it.

He buys himself enough to last a few weeks, which ends up being one grocery bag too many, so climbing the stairs to his apartment is a pain, especially when Minerva, the fat cat, runs between his feet and almost trips him back down the stairs. He finally manages to reach his floor and shakes the key from his jacket, balances the grocery bags in one hand, and keys the door open.

And promptly has a heart attack.

“Hey, about time!” Kai says brightly — Kai says brightly, where he’s sprawled across his cheap sofa, in his apartment.

Why is he in his apartment? Lloyd blinks once, hard. Still there. Is he hallucinating—?

“Need help with those?”

Nya is suddenly in his apartment too, grabbing a grocery bag from him and setting it over by the kitchenette.

“Sorry we didn’t warn you,” Cole says, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, and — FSM, are they all here? “Pixal told us where you lived, so we’d all planned to meet here, and I guess we…kinda all…forgot to tell you.”

“We all assumed the other group would,” Zane says, spearing Cole with a look. “Our apologies for barging in.”

“It’s a great apartment, though!” Jay exclaims, where he’s bent over his book case. “I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be into the whole interior design thing, but this is pretty nice.”

“Admit it, you were betting he’d moved into another volcano,” Kai snorts.  “Seriously though, green machine, how many plants do you need—“

“Leave him alone, I like the plants, I think they’re a nice touch—“

“Lloyd?” Nya’s voice is suddenly quiet. “Are you alright? I really am sorry we didn’t call first.”

Lloyd just stares at her with the same blank look he’s been staring at them all with for the last few minutes, still frozen in place. Is this what shock feels like? a part of him wonders.

“You’re here,” he says, blankly. “You’re all — here?”

“Uh, yeah,” Jay says, as if it’s obvious. “We said we were gonna check in, right? You didn’t get hit in the head while we were gone, did you?”

Nya whacks him on the shoulder. “Of course we’re here,” she says. “Your apartment is super easy to break into, you know. Gotta get a better lock.”

“Oh,” Lloyd says, weakly. “Um. Yeah. I — sorry, I just…wasn’t expecting, I guess. You guys to come now, that is.”

The mood suddenly shifts, and Lloyd’s not sure to what, but they don’t look as bright and happy anymore. Kai lifts a shoulder, then drops it, suddenly looking a little unsure. “I guess we should’ve checked, about the date,” he admits. “But we, uh, we just wanted to be here, for you.”

Lloyd blinks rapidly. “You wanted – why?”

Kai looks at Cole, chewing on the inside of his cheek briefly. “Well it’s…the day your dad got banished, isn’t it?”

The breath rushes from Lloyd’s lungs like a freight train, and oh. Oh. They remembered. They remembered, all by themselves, and they came back without him even asking, and—

“Oh,” Lloyd says, quietly.

Kai looks stricken. “Oh no,” he says. “You’re not going to cry. Lloyd, please, every time you go off I go off, so don’t — oh Lloyd, no.”

He tries, okay? He tries to stop it. But the cracks in his walls have turned to cracks in a dam, and the dam’s gotten a lot higher than he realized, and the cracks are suddenly big and torn and gaping—

Lloyd opens his mouth to reply and ends up hiccuping out a sob instead. “I’m sorry,” he croaks. “I just—“ he wipes fiercely at his eyes. “I really missed you guys, and that’s — that’s really nice of you, and—“

“FSM, Kai, suck it up.” Cole’s eyes are sympathetic, and suddenly Lloyd is in a very warm and very tight embrace. “This isn’t about you.”

“That’s not what I—!”

Kai cuts his own self off and joins the hug, and then Nya’s there, and a couple more arms that are Zane and Jay and Lloyd’s kind of suffocating a bit because the AC still isn’t on yet, but—

They came back.

Oh wow, Lloyd really wasn’t fine about that, was he.

__ __ __ __

They all stay in Lloyd’s apartment that night, which is a horrible decision, because he’s got one bed and one couch that shouldn’t really be called a couch, and there’s no room at all, but it’s free, Jay argues, so they can suck it up for the night.

They do, and Zane makes dinner with the few edible items Lloyd has and it actually tastes good,  Cole gets music on and Jay’s chattering with Nya and Kai’s hounding him about his hair, and it’s the loudest Lloyd’s apartment has been in months.

His landlady’s gonna give him heck about it, but Lloyd can’t find it in himself to care. He spends that night on his terrible sofa, crammed up between Nya and Kai with his cheek smushed into Kai’s shoulder, listening to Cole snore a room over, and it’s easier to fall into a sleepy lull than it’s ever been here.

“Hey,” Nya whispers to him, after Kai’s breathing evens out. “I really missed you, by the way.”

Lloyd rubs at his eye, yawning. “I missed you too,” he murmurs. “I mean, it hasn’t been awful, but—“

“Being alone sucks,” Nya finishes. “A lot. I miss everyone.”

Lloyd is quiet. “I do too,” he finally whispers.

“It’s too quiet,” Nya continues. “I keep having to blare music so I don’t lose it.”

“That’s what I’ve been doing,” Lloyd whispers. “Hey, have you heard, uh — it’s that weird sort of synth music—“

“The only thing they play on the hits channel now?”

“Yeah, that one. It’s not half bad.”

“Please tell me that’s not what you’ve been listening too, Lloyd. I thought you had taste—“

Lloyd stuffs down a giggle, burying his head into the couch. He knows it’s not gonna last much longer, and soon they’ll be off again, but—

They’ll be back. And for now, with them here—

That aching hunger in his chest doesn’t feel as much like starving.

[vernonfielding]

Life Writes Its Own Stories

EPILOGUE (AO3)

AN: There is discussion of symptoms of post-traumatic stress in this epilogue. It's nothing too dramatic, I don't think, but I wanted to note it for anyone who is sensitive to the topic. Please take care of yourselves, readers.

Jake was right – the ceremony was no New York Public Library gala. The room was decorated with wilted streamers and a few drooping mylar balloons, and it had a stale high-school cafeteria aroma. All of the appetizers plus the sparkling cider – which was definitely not Champagne – were an unappealing room temperature. The metal folding chairs were stiff and unforgiving, and Amy’s butt was falling asleep.

But as she sat in the front row among the cops and politicians who made up the bulk of the audience, as she watched Jake stand square-shouldered in his dress blues – as the commissioner thanked him for his bravery and hung the Medal of Honor over his chest – Amy blinked back tears and thought: This is exactly right.

An elbow nudged her gently, and Amy looked down to find a tissue pushed discreetly into her hand. She glanced to her right and caught Melanie’s eye.

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” Melanie whispered, quickly brushing a stray tear from the corner of her own eye.

Amy looked back at the stage, where Rosa was now getting her medal, and she saw the barely-there smirk on Jake’s face as he caught her eye.

“I think they’re onto us anyway,” she muttered to Melanie, and they both laughed under their breath and dabbed at their eyes.

+++

The weeks after they’d been kidnapped had been rough.

It started a day or two after she’d gone back to work. At first Amy noticed that she startled easily. Car alarms, the bang of a door slamming shut, the thud of a stack of newspapers dropped on a newsroom desk – any loud, sudden noise made her heart race and her breath catch in her chest. She thought it was lack of sleep or stress about work, then Charles came up behind her one day at the copy machine and she was so surprised – so scared – that she elbowed him in the gut and very nearly stomped on his hand when he fell to his knees. Terry took her aside after that and gently suggested she take some time off. Later he slid a business card into her hand and said it was his own therapist, and Amy should make an appointment.

She dismissed his concerns at first, but then she called in sick two days in a row when it was too cold to walk and the thought of getting on the subway, surrounded by the noisy chaos of too many strangers packed into a too-small space, sent her into a panic. So she called the therapist, and after one nerve-racking visit she was diagnosed with acute stress disorder.

Though Amy knew it wasn’t logical she felt instantly, deeply ashamed. She told herself that she couldn’t be traumatized, that she’d come through it all fine, no injuries, barely even a bruise. So she’d been scared for a few hours – they’d been held in a penthouse suite the whole time, lounging on a king-sized bed with silk sheets and embroidered throw pillows.

But she couldn’t stop feeling scared, and sometimes she couldn’t stop crying, and sometimes she felt so angry that her blood pulsed in her temples and her neck. The worst was when she was overwhelmed or overstimulated and seemed to float out of her own body, like the real world was slipping away while she stood by, cotton-headed and paralyzed. Her therapist called it dissociation. She said it was normal. It made Amy feel like she was losing her mind.

Jake figured out pretty quickly what was going on, and he told her it was understandable that she had post traumatic stress, that he’d been there too, in the past. He was gentle with her and he validated every one of her roller coaster emotions and he didn’t judge her or patronize her. And when she threw him out of her apartment one night because she fucking needed to be alone, she texted him an hour later and he was at her door instantly, because he’d stayed in the hallway the whole time, waiting for her to come back to him.

After that they talked about trust some more, because it always seemed to come back to trust between them. Amy realized she needed to trust that she could lean on Jake, that he wasn’t going to break and neither was she if she let him take care of her sometimes. And Jake realized he needed to trust Amy when she said it was time to handle things on her own. Amy knew she’d gotten the easier deal, because she couldn’t imagine watching Jake hurt and letting him go.

But it had been eight weeks since the Vulture. Amy could take the subway to work again. She didn’t jump out of her skin every time a taxi honked or Gina suddenly swore at someone on the phone. She still sometimes cried in the shower for no obvious reason, but she hadn’t yelled at Jake since that one night.

And Jake – he was so good. They were great.

+++

Jake and Rosa were swarmed by reporters as they walked off the stage after the ceremony. Normally this kind of commendation wouldn’t get any media attention, but the Vulture story was still huge, and now every local publication was present. Amy spotted Hitchcock in the fray – he was pretty much the only person on the Bulletin staff without any ties to Jake, at this point – and also Adrian Pimento, their new photographer. Pimento was a talented shooter but had a tendency to go rogue on his assignments. Amy avoided working with him.

Amy and Melanie watched with amusement as their significant others braved the throngs, and Amy couldn’t help the flush of pride at how Jake handled himself. She’d drilled him over the weekend on how to handle the press, and the practice seemed to be paying off. She could read the signs of stress in the fine lines between his eyebrows and around his mouth, but to a casual observer he would look courteous and professional. Rosa, on the other hand, was standing just behind his shoulder and scowling. Amy couldn’t hear what either of them was saying, but every now and then she saw Rosa frown even more deeply and respond with a “no comment” Amy could read from across the room.

When they finally broke free, they bee-lined for Amy and Melanie and both couples exchanged the briefest of cheek-kisses before everyone seemed to deflate with relief and the simple joy of being on their own in the crowd.

“I still can’t believe we got the same medal when only one of us was kidnapped and stabbed,” Jake said to Rosa, who smirked at him.

“Not my fault you got your ass captured,” Rosa said, and turned to Amy. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Amy said. “But if anyone should be annoyed, it’s the woman who helped take down the Vulture and got kidnapped and nearly died and isn’t getting any medal at all.”

Everyone laughed and Jake gave her a quick one-armed hug. Melanie said, “I thought there were rumors that the mayor was going to give you some kind of civilian commendation?”

“Yeah, but probably not after that piece on the mayor’s slush fund she wrote last week,” Rosa said.

“Plus, she’d never take a commendation from the mayor,” Jake added. When everyone glanced at him he shrugged and said, “Conflict of interest. Right, babe?”

Amy just beamed at him and said, “You do know me.”

+++

Amy had met Jake’s mom the weekend after the kidnapping, when she had a well-timed lull between breakdowns and Karen came by Jake’s apartment with a bag of frozen meals to get him through the couple of weeks his arm would be in the sling. Jake had met Amy’s dad and the rest of her brothers over Christmas. They both made great first impressions – Amy because Karen was kind and sweet-natured and basically impossible to scare off, and Jake because her family had decided he had saved Amy’s life, despite Jake insisting that it was mostly the other way around.

She’d been exhausted after the holidays, burned out on anxiety and too much family, and they spent New Year’s Eve in her bed, watching old TV blooper reels and favorite SNL sketches on their phones until they both drifted off, well before midnight. And Amy thought if it was true that how one spent the last hours of the old year would be echoed in the new year, she was all right with that.

They mostly stayed holed up in her apartment or Jake’s after that, though they met Rosa and Melanie for drinks more than once. Those two were an odd but charming couple, a sweet-and-sour combination that clearly brought out the best in both of them. Melanie was warm and easy to just be with, even when Amy felt socially exhausted. And Amy found in Rosa a surprising ally as she worked through her issues, because Rosa was an attentive listener and also brutally no-nonsense. Sometimes Amy needed to spiral a little bit, but sometimes she needed someone to shut her down, or to help her put things in perspective.

“I’m just tired of having a panic attack every time the Uber Eats guy buzzes my apartment,” Amy said morosely one night at Shaw’s, when it was just the two of them at a table while Jake and Melanie dueled over darts.

“Yeah, it’s ridiculous,” Rosa said.

Amy froze. She was getting used to Rosa’s bluntness, but there was blunt and then there was insensitive. “I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m ridiculous-”

“Not you,” Rosa said. “Our brains are wired to turn trauma into chronic stress sometimes. It’s dumb. I hate it.”

Amy stared at her, mouth agape, because it wasn’t every day a revelation was dropped in her lap. “Yeah,” she said. “It is dumb.”

+++

Jake slipped Amy’s glass of (flat) sparkling cider from her hand and set it on the tray of a passing waiter. Then he turned and offered her his arm.

“Time to mingle?” he said.

And it was a small gesture, but it made Amy’s heart rush to loop her hand over his bicep and let him escort her toward the crowd. Rosa rolled her eyes as he led her away, but Melanie gave them a playful wave and mouthed “good luck.”

“So now I’m just arm candy?” Amy said to him.

“Always. Wait- never,” Jake said. “Is that a trick question?” She could hear the smirk in his voice.

They hadn’t actually discussed that this would be their first big outing as a couple. Somehow, despite all the press around the Vulture and countless interviews with Amy (and a few with Jake) and multiple in-depth stories about the night they’d been kidnapped, the fact that they were dating had not been made public. Amy wasn’t sure why anyone who wasn’t family or friend would care at this point. Still, given their history, she’d expected Jake to be nervous about coming out.

But his only reservations in the days leading up to the ceremony had been for her sake – making sure that she was going to be okay with all of the people and the socializing. They’d walked into the venue hand-in-hand, Jake in his crisp uniform and Amy in a wintery-green day dress. She’d felt a flutter of nerves in her belly, but only for a moment, and he’d pressed her fingers as if he sensed she needed the reassurance. They’d met up with Rosa and Melanie inside, and Jake had found Amy a seat and he’d stayed by her side until the ceremony began, and she wasn’t sure if his attentiveness was out of concern or affection or both, but she appreciated it all the same.

Now, as they moved through the celebratory mob, Jake was enthusiastic with his introductions. Amy met men and women he’d been in the academy with, and former partners and mentors from before his time under the Vulture. Everyone seemed to have a story about Jake to share – some prank he’d pulled, an amazing solve he’d made, how if anyone was going to take down a captain they would have put their money on Peralta. There were also an alarming number of stories about horrible bouts of food poisoning, and Jake apparently had a bizarre tendency to accidentally pants people. She thought that was some kind of running joke until she caught Jake blushing furiously after the third story.

After a while they found themselves surrounded by a few high-ranking officers, stumbling over each other to congratulate Jake and make some comment about how they’d always had doubts about Pembroke, which was as hilarious as it was insulting because men like the Vulture didn’t climb the NYPD ladder without support from the top. Jake introduced her to his new captain too, a man who insisted she call him CJ, and who seemed pleasant enough; both Jake and Rosa had said the jury was still out.

Amy was glancing around the cluster of brass, thinking how odd it was to be standing with so many gray-haired white men who looked the same, when she noticed a faint buzzing in her ears and a tingling in her fingertips – signs of an impending dissociation. She fought it for a moment, impulsively chastising herself for becoming overwhelmed in such a non-threatening place, but then she reminded herself that it wasn’t her fault and she wasn’t alone. She was still holding onto Jake, and she squeezed his arm slightly. He glanced at her and must have recognized something on her face, because he interrupted his captain, and with barely an “excuse us, sir” he led Amy away.

He took her to a quiet corner of the room, where they could watch the clutches of people talking and laughing, wait staff slipping in between to pick up used glasses and plates. A DJ set up near the stage was playing something Amy couldn’t quite make out. Jake slipped behind her and tucked his arms around her waist, holding her to him. She felt him kiss the top of her head, felt his thumbs rub over her knuckles, felt his chest solid and reassuring against her back. She leaned into him and breathed through the anxiety. Keeping herself in the moment. Letting him ground her.

When she felt like herself again, she closed her hands over his briefly, and turned in his arms to face him. He gave her a careful smile, and she nodded back at him that she was okay – because she was, truly.

She let her eyes fall to the star-shaped medal on his chest, and she reached for it, holding it in the palm of her hand. It was heavier than she’d expected, and cool to the touch. She ran a thumb over the points of the star.

“You realize,” she said, now tracing the engraving with the tip of a finger, “I’m going to need you to wear this all night.”

She looked up at him with a coy smile, expecting a flirty smirk in return, or a whispered suggestion of what else the night would bring. Instead, the smile he gave her was soft, even wistful, and the warmth in his eyes made her stomach do a slow flip.

“You realize that I’m in love with you,” he said.

Amy felt her cheeks flush, felt the warm rush of tears in her eyes, and she nodded, because yes, she did know. She’d felt the same for a while now, and maybe it had been petty of her but she’d needed him to say it first. She thought maybe they’d both needed that.

“I know,” she said, when she thought she could trust her voice. She brought her hands up around his neck, felt his hands at her back, pulling her a little closer. “I love you too.”

The kiss was just a brush of their lips, but also a promise.

+++

Rosa and Melanie came up not long after, Rosa complaining that she was straight-up insulted that there was no open bar. “Can we leave for your mom’s now?” she said.

Jake pulled out his phone and glanced at the time, and he noted that they would be a little early to the after-party that Karen was hosting but she wouldn’t mind.

“Thank god, I’m starving,” Melanie said, ditching a plate filled with half-eaten appetizers on a side table as the four of them headed toward an exit near the stage.

“We might want to stop somewhere for a snack first – Charles arranged the catering,” Rosa said.

“Smart,” Melanie said.

They disappeared into the lobby, Amy and Jake right behind, but Jake paused when someone called out his name. Amy turned, and it took her a moment to recognize the man jogging toward them, an anxious smile on his face – he ran a new Brooklyn newsletter-slash-gossip blog. She’d seen him at a few recent press events. She thought his name was Teddy.

“Can I get a photo?” maybe-Teddy said, addressing both of them.

Amy opened her mouth to say no, but Jake was faster, and he said, “Sure” and slid an arm around her waist, pulling her to his side. Teddy grinned and lifted his phone, and just before he snapped the picture Jake turned and planted a kiss on the corner of Amy’s mouth. It was sweet and it was chaste but it was also a kiss, and Amy blinked in surprise as Jake pulled away with a sheepish smile.

The photo ran on the top of Teddy’s blog that night. Two days after that, Amy found a printed-out copy of it on Jake’s refrigerator, under a Donatello magnet. The image was slightly out of focus, and the quality of the black-and-white print was not good, but it was impossible not to see the warmth and the love between them. Jake’s eyes were closed, his lips curved into the hint of a smile against her mouth, and Amy looked like she was a breath away from laughing, utterly charmed by her impulsive boyfriend.

“It’s not the first time we made news together,” Jake told her, when Amy asked why he’d put the photo on display. “But it’s the best.”

Amy told him that was the cheesiest thing he’d ever said and she was never going to let him forget it, and he said, “Promise?” And she kissed him.

The photo ended up on Amy’s refrigerator when Jake moved in with her six months later. She laminated it.

And that, officially, is the end. <3

[clans-of-the-sea]

Don't go away mad, just go away (Newtstripe)

By Rook.

Itching, itching and dread is what flooded Newtstripe’s mind. Not long had an apprentice arrived dead at camp, torn to bits and followed by three disturbed warriors entering the camp with talk of rogues. Rogue talk was nothing new, frankly it probably would continue for far past the tom’s lifetime. But it wasn’t the talk of murderous rogues that had him nearly trembling, not the thought of the creature that took his brothers sight, snuffing out tawnypaw flame. It was a feeling from deep inside Newtstripe’s belly, one that climbed with spindly sharp clawed legs up his back, covering his eyes as it wrapped itself around his neck. A grimy, dirty feeling, one that made his paws look dark red and brown, soiled with clay and things he’d rather not think of. It was a feeling he could never get used to and hoped he would never have to get used to let alone experience again, one that chased him like an eager kit to a spider or a leaf; long standing and never parting.

Newtstripe closed his eyes, he had to bury this, cover the fire before other could feel its heat. He would have to see Dapplefrost again for this. When had he started to feel like this, why did it always have to come back in some form, was it too greedy of him to wish it away? To be free of a feeling he was assured everyone felt? If we all feel this why do we not fix it, why is everyone avoiding it? Newtstripe’s ears flicked back, he had to be faking this, be over sensitive, maybe he was too weak being unable to let go of the past. Opening his eyes once again Newtstripe gazed down at his disgustingly dirty paw, they couldn’t be cleaned, not right now, he couldn’t let go of the past. Even if it made him sick it was the best he knew life could give, he had to keep it if no one else would.

- - -

They had reached the age where being out of the nursery was fine and not considered a problem when Dustykit started to move around less, they never thought much about it, their sister was small and shy, and some of the warriors, the big grey meanie, where pretty scary. Even when Sunpelt came and took her away to the medicine den so she could get the her coughs helped better they thought little of it. She was always sick, sneezing coughing, it was normal and Newtkit thought it was okay. She was funny and gentle, unlike a certain huntingkit, he was too loud, it hurt Newtkits ears.

However when Newtkit was told they could not play tag with Dustykit they threw a small fit, they always played tag every two or three days, it was their game! Asphodelfoot reassured them they would be able to play once she was better, and then peace was returned to pebbleclan. Newtkit could play tag again with their sister and brother and they would become apprentices and have much more fun since they wouldn’t have to stay in the stuffy old nursery.

Moons latter the kit would wake up to just their brother in their nest, maybe Alderstar had just gone to visit Dustykit. The medicine den had to be lonely they understood. Getting up and wobbling about in the cold morning air they found the entrance blocked off by Sunpelts back. “Newtkit!” “Newtkit go back to the nursery.” Their parents hushed as the kit wiggles their way into the den. Seeing Dustykit they nearly squealed in joy, choosing not to as to let their sister sleep, Asphodelfoot said she needed rest. Instead Newtkit padded up to the small tortishell, why were their parents crying she was just resting, she did that a lot lately. Frankly all Dustykit did these days was sit in the medicine den and sleep, but that was okay she was still fun to talk to.

They watched the world flash by as Sunpelt dragged them back to the nursery, dropping them down beside bleary eyed Fennelkit and scolded lightly for leaving the den so early. “I just wanted to see Dustykit.” Newtkit wailed out stomping a paw into the nest. Sunpelt have the kit a look of pure dismay. “Newtkit you can’t, you can’t visit her any more.” The words had cut off not much after that for Newtkit, they had heard and understood; she’s in starclan, well enough. Blinking tears back the kit curled their tail around themselves and realized, the two of them never go to play tag.

- - -

The young apprentice shrieked in fear as he sidestepped a pair of swings aimed at his throat, the first few only to feel a hot stunning flash as claws tore down his chest and into his shoulder. Newtpaw cried out again as he launched himself away from the assailant, a large grey tabby. Curling over on himself the tom wanted to have a meltdown and breakdown right there, him and Fennelpaw had only been on a small pseudo patrol with Heathernose yes they had chased after a squirrel without checking with her and yes they had probably almost ditched her but it was no reason why a loner should attack them. Giving a small shaking hiss the tom backed up again, Fennelpaw was busy with his own loner, was their territory infested. Watching his brother succeed in avoiding a vicious claw only to respond with one of his own; Newtpaw felt some strength well up inside. While he his foe may larger and stronger he did not follow the ways of the code, he wasn’t trained to be a warrior, they could manage this. Launching himself back at the large cat Newtpaw bit deep into the other cat’s ear hearing the harsh yowl as he tore the chunk of as he jumped away. The grey male looked panicked and ready to flee as hot blood ran down his face, Newtpaw felt the strength he once had go cold, was this loner really that much older than him or was he just big, either way regardless of the warrior code stating he had every right to fight this cat to the death, he wouldn’t. Spitting the chunk of ear out as he let out another hiss, Newtpaw swung again only to feel a large paw thud into him. Left shoulder landing squarely into sharp gravely dirt the tom’s fighting will burned out quickly. A new voice joined the battle as Heathernose charged the grey cat pushing Newtpaw into the dirt. With the weight off of his body he could in theory get up, Newtpaw had to get up to help. But his chest and shoulder burned and felt of thousands of tiny claws digging in. Just moving slightly up made the tom dizzy.

The fight was an overall blur for Newtpaw after that, at some point he heard a faint cry as seemingly dozens of cats swarmed around; biting, kicking, scratching. He felt a warm pressure near his side and faintly remembered seeing Fennelpaw resting equally as weak against him, an ear hanging low near his face and an eye practically forced shut from the blood soaking that side of his face. How long had he fought he wondered.

- - -

It was not much long after that when Newtpaw woke up again in the medicine den, hot and shaking. So many things passed by him before he knew it was happening, the keening calls for Fennelpaw, his parents talking to him frequently became muddled hazy sounds he could hardly register. Newtpaw’s shoulder seemed to buzz and sting like a hornet’s nest any Time he moved too much or the medicine cats touched it, maybe he would not get to fully wake up from the too warm waking nap he seemed to be stuck in. Late in the night Newtpaw even swore he saw misty lights sitting outside of the den waiting for him, he just had to get up and see them. He could relax and spend time with both siblings maybe. He wondered if Dustykit grew at all over there or would know about what he and Fennelpaw discussed. In the boiling heat Newtpaw’s mind slipped to his mother and father, could he really leave them kitless now, to rob them of at least seeing one warrior ceremony. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t let that happen if he could fight it. In time the heat faded off and the haze lifted, but he felt off still, he had missed his chance to say goodbye to his brother, he had almost missed his chance to be named a warrior. He had missed so much and even after everything was normal he felt off and his shoulder never felt quite right. He couldn’t look at Heathernose without feeling it burn slightly, why wasn’t she there sooner, why did she wait to help there wasn’t that many rogues they fought. There couldn’t have been. Newtpaw made it a point to avoid the she-cat every chance he got.

It wasn’t long before he sat with two other young warriors outside of the camp still as death and silent as it as well. His gut twisted at the sight in his peripheral, it should have been four warriors out here, had the hunting patrol been there faster, had he fought on longer it would have been four. Newtstripe’s eyes scanned the treeline. Maybe Alderstar had given them both better fitting names than she did him as a punishment for this. His stomach twisted slightly at the thought, of course she had, Huntinglion for his strength and courage, Goosefeather for his lean form and gracefulness, and him Newtstripe for a bland stripe running down his back, stripes a thing almost any cat had. Was she implying he wasn’t important or had any special qualities, wrapping his tail around his paws Newtstripe had to avoid looking at the limb to avoid seeing said stripe. Was he supposed to be the one the rogues had taken? She wouldn’t have named Fennelpaw Fennelstripe, he would have gotten a fitting name maybe Fennelheart or song, a good name. He wanted to sink into the dirt outside the camp and never rise up again, he truly was that stripe wasn’t he.

- - -

Making his way to the nursery Newtstripe paused slightly at the opening before making his way through, trying hard to be nowhere near Larkrivals kits or mate, he didn’t trust them as far as he could toss them regardless of the fact they were not even longer than his tail. Newtstripe had a faint idea of his mothers pregnancy but was frankly too involved with clan matters and avoiding the sour politics Pebbleclan was currently surviving to look into the rumour. Suffice to say the rumour was not just mild gossip. Alderswhisker had indeed given birth to kits.

Coming to see the calico relaxed in a nest, eyes open only to slits, Newtstripe stopped. The fur on his neck raised slightly as he looked at the two kits curled against his mother’s stomach. They were small, smaller than he thought was healthy, Newtstripe wasn’t sure they would last long or if they ever would grow up to be warriors, not with his family’s track record. Noticing him Alderwhisker let out a surprised but happy chirp. Glancing slightly at his mother, Newtstripe looked back at the new siblings, one was black and the other red. He felt a twinge of relief that they did not like Dustykit or Fennelpaw, he wasn’t sure he would handle that well. Looking back at his mother one final time he snarled out. “You can’t replace them.” Turning around Newtstripe stormed out of the nursery, he couldn’t stay there not with the replacements.

- - -

Making a trip back into the camp Newtstripe headed purely towards the nursery, a place he had spent a lot of time near or around now that Sunstar had departed. Making sure he was quick enough to not be spotted by Larkrival, he refused to accept him as his leader, and be placed on a patrol before feeding his mother. She hadn’t been fareing well recently. He wasn’t sure if she was weak for the birth, if she caught something or if the recent event had spurred this. However he knew that he had to feed her, try to keep her alive or at least able to provide milk. He wasn’t sure how to feel about the kits still, even if he had occasionally been a climbing tool for the tiny kits. Coming to mouth of the nursery he could see Alderwhisker, she was still and her eyes seemed to stare off at something that wasn’t quite there. Newtstripe felt his heart tug at the sight, he didn’t have to be a medicine cat to know it didn’t bode well.

- - -

Sitting outside the nursery Newtstripe glanced weakly towards the den. It had to be the only cursed den in Pebbleclan. At least in his eyes it was. He couldn’t see Emberkit or Sootkit but he knew they were nestled close to a surrogate milk provider. It didn’t feel fair, he’d lost his entire family, everything connecting him to this clan was gone, all he had were too tiny kits that would hardly know any of their family just him and faint stories. He felt a sharp sting in his shoulder, even that was saying much. Newtstripe the average warrior, Newtstripe the tom that could not follow his leader until he was scratched across the muzzle. Was he really family that they would want. Walking away from the nursery and into the warriors den the tom slid into his nest. He was no role model for two young kits, not like his parents. He couldn’t let them turn out as he did, Emberkit and Sootkit would become good warriors regardless of if Newtstripe managed to see their ceremony or not, he swore it.

- - -

The sun had long gone down by the time they had given Tawnypaw a respectful goodbye. Newtstripe couldn’t attend it, he wasn’t close to the apprentice, or her family but the sight and the memories it brought back made him feel ill. Padding out of his nest he took a long look at silverpelt. The sky’s stars had a dim glow, one he was well accustomed to seeing. He wondered if he looked long enough that he would see her being greeted by Fennelpaw and Dustykit. Would they keep her company in starclan, would they know of Sootpaw and the situation that blinded him. Would they think he was a good warrior or think lowly of him. Covering his paws with his tail Newtstripe haunched over. He wasn’t quite sure how much longer pebbleclan would be his ‘home’ or if it would ever be kind to him, frankly he doubted the later. The wilds rarely were kind but those around could, maybe someday he would be able to look at his clan and how it worked without feeling bitter acceptance. Possibly some day things would be right.