#i just have problems with sexualizing myself to feel better and yk

[dreamofyouxx]

every couple of weeks i get a little feeling deep down he thinks i might be gross. like ik he’s said i could never gross him out but at the same time i don’t want him to think im just some whore who’s tryna fuck all the time and doesn’t care about it

[yourlocalbadgerscales]

Sexuality crisis

I don’t care what gender someone is. If they’re a nice person I love them. Like literally. Also looks, but if someone’s a good person idc if they’re ugly. LITERALLY.

As a young child I had a BIG difficulty with telling the difference between platonic and romantic love. Tbh… I’m older now and I still have this problem.

Since my awakening last summer I’ve always thought of myself as pan. But I realised… what if…

What if I’m not? Pan has felt so wrong lately. Yes, I’m young, but I’ve seen things I shouldn’t have seen on internet and yeah… stuff like that. So I already know I’m sex repulsed to cis men. Yeah yk probably what I mean. But… but… idk guys I’m so confused.

I’ve always thought of myself as a hopeless romantic. I love romance and fluff, I kind of want to be in a romantic relationship myself, but I think that I value friendship the most out of those two. And I love fluff, I’m okay with smut but fluff is better. Idk I’m having a crisis.

A few posts I’ve related to a lot lately here on tumblr have been about something called queerplatonic, I think? Or? Idk. Something slightly different than aromantic at least. I have no idea honestly.

Guys idk if I feel romantic attraction or not. I AM SO CONFUSED SO IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT I AM DESCRIBING PLEASE TELL ME

Ask me stuff if I wasn’t clear enough in this post. I’m more than willing to answer.

I just want to figure shit out atp. What the fuck is going on?

Maybe the reason I can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic love isn’t that I’m pan. Maybe I’m… someone who loves the thought on romance but doesn’t feel it. And what does that even mean?

God I’m gonna cry

[woundedlucian]

okayyso I've been mulling over this because like umm.. I have a boyfriends??? Like I Just Feel Weird. I don't have romantic or sexual feelings for this dude I mean I WOULD PROBABLY if I didn't have a such a cute amazing boyfriend (lets be honest he's probably trans LOOL) I just feel weird about it because if MY BOYFRIEND felt the same way towards another person I'd be SOOOOO jealous even knowing he's not gonna cheat It'd just make me envious and wanna throw up but I don't think he's as insecure as me actually I think he is still insecure but he Might Actually be Able to deal with it instead of cutting himself.. lol.. IT'S JUST this dude is so cool and sweet and I lowkey wanna just talk about him and yeah but it's like admiration and I always doubt myself no matter what so I never Know how to feeeeeeeeeeeeel my boyfriend probably deserves better than me but also he was like abusive to me like basically a couple weeks after starting our relationship and convinced me it was *I* who was the problem at the time then he realized what he was doing like he would just sorta get all irritable with me and I get he was stressed but I feel like that doesn't excuse it at all. He apologized profusely and he still feels sooooo guilty I can tell but I kind of don't forgive him fully cuz he fucked me up and I can't look at him the same.. and I still feel over dramatic but I was crying ALLLL The time literally every single day I'd weep for hours on end. And thing was. or still is. I don't cry that easy so I was obviously being neglected or something was triggering me like I think he was always triggering my RSD.. if you have RSD I'm so sorry shit fucking sucks. and also lowkey he Killed my confidence. and I was already in a slump like before so I was just like.. I guess this is how things are. like despite him doing soooo much better and improving soo much it's like dude I don't know if I can Be with Someone who can do that to someone in General even if you did change I Still Remember. It still affects me. and I mean He Knows the gravity of it. and I mean I always Feel like a Bitch for saying this shit but I Know I'm a sweet kindhearted beautiful person I mean obviously I say nasty stuff some time and stuff I'm not the best person but yk the other words are still true I feel. So just to someone like that and I was also trying to tell him I Cannot change that and he just kept making it seem like it was my own problem like ..okay.. I'm trying to Tell you what I think would help us and you're just uuughhaahh. He was expecting me to break up with him and honestly was I mean I still loved him but also like I was really scared of being alone. It's just a weird thing in the back of my mind thinking like. This isn't right. But I don't want to break his heart but also He Kinda of broke mine but I know I still care about him so If I did leave I'd just be hurting us both and part of me does want to do that to him just so he knows how I felt for those months. Whenever something happens I can Tell he freaks the fuck out. I'm just unsure what to do. I don't know if my doubts are genuine ones. I can't even trust my own mind anymore. I'm realizing how much I kind of resent him. I don't know if I want to cut him off. Maybe I should but I just don't know. I love him so dearly and I love hearing him talk and stuff and I don't want to lose him ever but I just am unsure and I feel like that' my answer but I could see myself living my life with him in the future and I really Want to see him and Hangout with him. This has nothing to do with the original post anymore I feel. not sure what to do anymore I want to see him but also part of me feels like things might not last because he said if he ever acts how he did again I HAD to break up with him regardless of if I still Loved him Because he couldn't bare seeing me getting hurt everyday. And part of me feels just unease. what if it does happen again? I'm not sure what to do I feel horrible. I'm probably just pmsing I gained like a pound of weight despite still restricting with the same cals I was losing on syk

[moonstruckme]

MAE HI I'M SO LATE TO THE SEXUALITY TALK BUT I'VE NEVER READ ANYTHING MORE RELATABLE IN MY LIFE

(Also hi hello I hope you're doing good and if you're not I hope it gets better soon <3)

I was in a relationship (I say relationship but it was in high school and we literally only saw each other once a week and it lasted all of one month) with someone non-binary and I also come from a very heternormative small town so being in a relationship with them made me question so many things because of the fear I felt and how uncomfortable I was with regular couple things like hand holding in public (even thoigh I was absolutely attracted to them romantically and loved our relationship when it was good).

It was also so much easier to picture things with guys than it was with my ex partner (but then again we had more than a few problems that didn't help that) and I guess the best thing to do is take it one day at a time. I'm unlearning what my home life and my community has taught me about a "normal" relationship and that's the best I can do right now yk? And it's okay if a label that fits today doesn't fit tomorrow because we're just human and growing at our own pace and I think that as long as we can have compassion for ourselves we'll be okay.

Sorry I wasn't trying to make it about me I just wanted to say that I relate and that I'm sending you so so much love from my end of the world!! Being unsure doesn't make you any less valid in your identity (and tbh who can fully understand themselves 100% of the time anyway?) and you're wonderful so please don't stress yourself out about being unsure because you have all the time in the world to figure out who you are and how you feel

- S <3

Hi S my love! Don’t be sorry, but I think this may have sent twice by accident? There are different aspects in this message though, and I really value this perspective. I’m glad that while I grew up in a pretty conservative town (and there are definitely people I’d not tell about any relationships just to make it easier on myself) most of the people I’m close to I know would be supportive, and I’m massively grateful for that sense of security. I think I was too worried about outside perspectives and trying to like wedge my way into this community which I may not belong in, but really you’re right and who gives a shit who I date? I mean, me, obviously, but that should be all! Thank you for the kind words sweetheart, hope you’re having a good day/night <3

[nats-revival]

new year same problem!!

maaaaan yk what rlly sucks??? trying to come to terms w/ ur sexuality!!!! like some days i think like “yeah ik what i like” and when im around people who are like me i feel even BETTER abt coming to terms w/ it, but when im around ppl who are borderline home of phobic, i feel like i just have to be straight and it’s so confusing! like god i just wanna date a pretty girl and i wanna kiss her a lot but then like, i don’t want ppl to hate me and lowk i been in the closet my whole life. 😭😭 at first (like i said like, last year) i compromised with myself and labeled myself as bisexual but ive had like, two boyfriends in the past and like sure, it felt good to have someone love me and tell me that i was beautiful but with my first boyfriend, i hadn’t ever been in a relationship before that and i found out that he was dating me bc he liked my body and that shit was SOUL CRUSHING!!!!! and with my last boyfriend, he just wasn’t that appealing to me yk? but like i always find myself feeling smitten over girls i don’t even know and they make me feel things and i just like, lose it!!! like ughhhhh!!!! but yeah, had to come in here rq. still trying to figure ts out so i think ill js consider myself as queer for now!!! 😜☝️

[bisluthq]

I want to be like that friend of yours who was so good at being single she didn't want things to change////// thats basically me too actually lol. I’m very single and wonder at times if I’m ace because I’m not really sexual but my preference is single lol. People always say I just haven’t met the right person blah blah blah but I like picking the movie every time, what I cook, wear, the scented candle I pick - it’s all to my taste only without thinking of another person ever. And its nice to cook something someone else likes or wear something that will get compliments from the person you want to hear it from, but you can still cook for friends or dress up whenever you want but not change the lipstick you want to wear because someone else prefers the other shade. That’s a v niche example but it’s just simpler for me. Friends invite me out? I don’t have to check with anyone else or see their calendar. I can be impulsive!

I actually feel so much better alone that sometimes I go to concerts alone and my friends get mad when they learn I went and didn’t invite them lol but it‘S easy to get a good ticket when you’re only buying 1! I see it as an extension of being child free because you get even more freedom! I actually live a very quiet, simple life and am very domesticated, but that’s what I like and when I want to burn off steam it’s on my own my terms. I sleep diagonally across the bed some nights.

I can see how it’s not for everyone and some people like company of other people more than others and sex with someone they love. I found I really fucking like my alone time and not having to people please once I come home. I kept picking solo activities because I just had more fun by myself. I honestly can’t imagine being partnered or even going on a date now.

see, my problem is I'm not 100% sure what I like yk like what makeup I like and what clothes I like and what food and movies I like even - I like going to the cinema alone and I like Taylor Swift lol but beyond that I feel like everything I do is linked or connected in some way to other people? And I've changed my style a LOT for people tbh and I've changed the foods I eat a LOT depending on who I'm dating and my perfumes and makeup and stuff and like no one has told me to do that I guess but I think I'm just constantly trying to please people and stuff and that's deeply problematic I think. It's not anyone's fault but it's something I need to work on for a while I think.

[a-thought-was-thunk]

I have a theory and it’s that my issue with being perceived is part of what stunts my friendmaking abilities.

Bc I’m like well I don’t wanna volunteer info, and I don’t wanna ask you to bc I don’t wanna overstep and make uncomfortable

Also bc im so stressed ab the convo dying out that I can barely focus on the convo

It’s hard out here man. Why can’t my friend just actually be there for me instead of projecting how they feel onto me. I feel like it used to work so well bc we both had the same mindsets, so when they said stuff to me it was what they would want to hear, whereas when I said stuff I’ve always been catering.

Idk I just want someone to meet me where I am yk. But then I have to be seen for that. Also Jesus thr anxIETYYYY is so strong and idk how to control it and it feels like such a 16yr old problem and I’m so mad that I have to deal with it now. Like how lame that I have to figure out social anxiety at my big age of 22, cmon.

Also I feel so ew bc I feel like I gave so much to the guy I’m talking to (we’ll call him Jack) last night when we called and now he like… knows me better 🤮

Also we talked super late and it got so horny (no complaints, I was ovulating so it was exactly my vibe) a few days ago and I fear I may have set up smth I don’t wanna have to reset again bc now that I’m not ovulating, sex and everything surrounding it has gone back to being a means for connection and my relationship with it and being perceived sexually has gotten weird again.

But he’s not in my head so he won’t know I don’t wanna be dirty anymore.

So now I gotta say it and UGHHHHHHHH I hate it.

Gotta express my emotions or whatever so I don’t get my feelings hurt by him saying smth literally 1/4 as horny as what he said like 2 nights ago but my interpretation being the completely opposite now bc of hormonal changes.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so gross.

Also now I’m just here, stressed and on my phone bc I did my presentation kinda bad and I hate it.

Like I feel like I failed on something I tried so hard to do, and something I feel like should be easier but I was so anxious I could barely get anything out.

Like my hands were shaking so bad I stopped reading my cue cards and I kept missing stuff I wanted to say so I just got more stressed and I didn’t organize my cards as much as I should have and couldnt fix it bc I left my pencil case at home. I also couldnt wear mascara bc I left THAT at home, so I felt bare faced which didn’t help.

I’m just so disappointed that I did so bad when I actually knew my stuff and it was half imposter syndrome- I felt like everyone knew/knows more than me and my presentation wasn’t perfect and they could see right through it and see that I didn’t belong there because I didn’t know what I was talking about. And I feel so disappointed that that’s what got me- something in my head that just isn’t true. And even if it is, it’s not like everyone can see through me, I’m not that transparent. I hold myself pretty well, I don’t look like I’m lost. Idk. I wonder if I’ll stop feeling this way after doing my courses or if it’ll be something I face in the workplace too. I hope not because in a male dominated field I really gotta step up my game. I wish I had my security blanket. But I don’t. So I just have to go out in the world, bare, with no protection.

25/03/2025

12:13pm

[danoneediness]

where's the key to the cage tho

I have a lot of issues, and they are not easy to fix. I'd like to say this as a guess, as an hypothesis, but the sad thing is that there is no way to hide it and it's not only me who knows about it, but everyone around me. It's like if every pore of my body excrete some kind of signal that'd yell: "hey, look at me! I'm seriously ill! And I won't do anything about it any time soon! But come hang out because that's what makes me funny, that's what makes every situation with me an adventure. Just... be really careful because you shouldn't try to be close to me or I'll make you ill too".

It is an exageration, SE SABEEE, but still it gets kind of old, yk. Like, the fact that I know that everyone in my life will eventually leave me. That I won't be anything but a memory, a faded one, in their lives. It kind of bumps me out to think that I won't ever make a strong enough impact in someone's life, but at the same time it scares me to do it. Like... what if the impact that I make is a bad one? What if I hurt someone? What if I make them be the way that I am? I wouldn't wish that to anybody, it fucking sucks.

So why do I feel like this...

Lately I've been thinking about the moment that I changed for what I am today, and I remembered that in early 2019 I was just an innocent girl just trying to get out of her shell, just trying to get my shit together, knowing that there was a lot out there that I wanted to know, a lot of people that I wanted to meet, a lot of knowledge that I wanted to have. I wanted to live so damn bad that I was craving for some adventure, something new, something incredible. And I was too damn naïve, I was too damn stupid.

So, I was the kind of girl that would get a crush after a drunk kiss, a stupid one btw, and would do anything to meet with him, to get him candy, chocolate, to get even a glimpse of him so my day would get better. I thought I knew everything about life and that I had everything under control. I thought I knew what I wanted, but the thing is... the life I wanted for myself back then was the life for a girl that wasn't me, but who I wanted to be. It is okay to want to be different, to change a thing or two about yourself, but you can't just go ahead and literally change every aspect of your life, and just pretend that your past was different or that it didn't even exist at all.

"El que no conoce su pasado está condenado a repetirlo"

I want to keep some kind of record about this, so this will be long and I'm not sorry, lmao.

After that, there was this guy who liked me. Like... he really liked me, not only in a sexual way, but like... he liked me, liked me. But me, holding on to who I was trying to be, found the way to scare him off. We ended up being friends, of course, but it hasn't been the same. I don't regret it, tho, I'm happy I didn't lose my pretty little flower at him, but still... thinking about it, I think he made me feel like Fab, the guy with an adiction problem and no highschool.

I guess I'm only thinking about all this because I'm starting to realize that everyone moved on: he probably has someone else, the liked-me boy has someone else, the one after that obviously has someone else (wich makes me think that I should write something about the "why you wanted with her, but not with me - phenomenom")... but I'm literally in the same fucking spot that I was two years ago.

You know what IS different? It has gotten old.

I've been thinking a lot about this new guy (let's call him Red Foo). And I've really tried to make myself like him, to make myself fall for him, but it just feels so... fake, forced. Like, it feels like I'm trying to make myself small to fit in a box that he has created for me, but the worst thing is that he hasn't and it is just my imagination. I mean, no, he has, but I can still change the size of the box, get rid of it and show myself exactly as I am, and, the way that things had been going I'm sure he will still like me. But I feel like... he's not good enough for me. And I feel fucking awful because he is such a good guy, and he might be great for me in every fucking aspect, but still... I don't feel confortable. I feel like he was the one for my 15 year old me. But not my actual me, yk.

So I know I have to talk to him, and probably I should just tell him about my trusting issues, my fear of commitment, but I just can't. Because I know that even if I didn't have all that, if I hadn't gone through all that toxic season, if I had given a chance to really-liked-me guy... Red Foo still wouldn't be the one for me.

Is that _sparkle_, you know? That's the thing that's missing with him. I just don't feel it, and I could still play pretend but it wouldn't be fair. So I'll tell him. The thing is... in person? By message? Should I give a spoiler via text and then tell explain in person? I feel so fucking guilty both ways. I feel guilty if I speak, and I will still feel that way even if I don't.

Because not only do I not like him, but I like someone else. Probably holding on to something impossible, but at the end of the day it is something I'm not willing to let go off yet. Red Foo doesn't deserve this, nobody does.

So I stay like this. Alone. Because it is the best way to not hurt people. No one except for me. But I'm used to this. I was born alone, so I guess I can keep on being like this.

[sips-tea-cutely]

If it's not a problem, can I request Poe, Dazai and Chuuya comforting their small chested fem s/o? Smut or fluff is fine!

Poe, Dazai, and Chuuya with a small-chested s/o

a/n: me when i handle rejection because she said “no pls why do i have to hold her hand” so u wait for her to finish her assignment so she’ll text u again and then u accidentally fall in love w dazai again

#edgar allan poe

just doesn’t have an idea at all at how to approach this

would probably think about it while he’s sleeping and when he wakes up makes the decision to buy a dress that compliments curves and w his paycheck it’s probably made of woven gold 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

he’d leave it on your bed with a note “date at 4? ill come to get you”

honestly its just a very casual date???? he’s wearing his normal attire and you’re wearing this most-likely ¥10,000 dress with a loosely knitted jacket, be careful bestie u might get robbed 💀💀💀

my first idea for poe was what if he made a book and then u read it and ur boobs got bigger and the mystery of the book was u have to figure out how they got bigger i cant take myself seriously

#osamu dazai

all boobs are so hot to him, he is for the most part bitchless 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

at first he’d probably think it’s a little silly yk but since it’s one of your insecurities, he’d still think about how it matters to your feelings

he understands your feelings of insecurity but he’d also not know how to approach it so he’d instead suffocate himself in them and praise them like a gift from god

he sleeps on them. wherever you are, if dazai is tired, he’s throwing all his weight onto you, probably has to slouch just for that experience too LMAOO

bet he’s semi-consensually???? groping you 👎👎👎👎👎 the agency most likely has to host a sexual harassment in the work place and then dazai makes the argument “but she’s my girlfriend WTF”, it’s just a disaster oftentimes

#chuya nakahara

takes this VERY seriously, he made the relation that it’s like his insecurity about his height and now he’s gonna do anything to make it better

tight clothes? make sure it’s silk; expensive lingerie? anything to make you feel confident; implants??? hey baby, did you know mori is a surgeon…

something that i can imagine so vividly is just chuuya hugging you from the back and lifting his arms till theyre under your boobs i dont know why

whenever you’re feeling insecure, you can 100% count on chuuya to start listing the thousands of things that make him grovel at your feet hes so down bad guys

best bf out of all of them, OUT OF THE BSD VERSE

[sweetbitterimpossiblecreature]

A Brief And Concise Summary Of Is Wrong With The ACOTAR Series

I think we can agree that a lot of ACOTAR is pretty iffy. Consider this a very brief refresher.

What's Wrong With Feyre/Rhysand (juxtaposed against Feyre/Tamlin)

Rhysand drugs and sexually assaults her in Book 1

This is "for her own good". Because he "has no choice". Despite the fact that, from what we know of the plot, Amarantha thinks that Clare Beddor was the one Rhysand was diddling, and is only interested in Feyre because Rhysand, "her" man male, has taken an interest in her.

If we extrapolate from this we can figure that Rhysand is the one directly putting her into danger.

Now, let's be clear: drugging someone is bad. Sexually assaulting someone is bad. One could argue there were extenuating circumstances. But if, in such a situation, what your mind goes to is "I know, I should assault this person... for their safety" I have questions about your moral qualities. There were a million things he could have done. He could have done whatever he did to Clare - that is, remove her ability to feel any pain - easily. He could have helped her escape. Under The Mountain, he - while still there unwillingly - has a lot of power, as Amarantha's side piece. Maybe this would have resulted in him being punished- however, he is hundreds of years old and a badass motherfucker, and she is a nineteen year old human girl.

Now, onto Tamlin. Obviously not a lot of people really ship F/T anymore after ACOMAF, because compared to F/R, it's boring. I read another person's post about it, which was very enlightening: they said that Feyre's personality is essentially a mirror. When she is with Rhysand, she's snarky and malicious- because she is "bouncing off" his energy. When she's with Mor she's super feminist and "in awe of her strength". On the other hand, Tamlin is kind of an empty character. He's a pretty boy with anger issues, which should be more interesting than it is. SJM manages to make him bland. Because Feyre has nothing to bounce off of, (a lot of this is from the person's post), she and Tamlin together is mainly just him introducing her to his world.

What Tamlin Does: prevents a skinny twenty year old from going on dangerous missions with him and combat-trained soldiers, accidentally blows up a room with her in it, and, at the end, prevents her from leaving the house.

This is not a Tamlin apologist post. Obviously it was really fucking gross of him to do that, and their relationship was toxic. However, a lot of his abuse stems from their inability to communicate, as well as own negligence. He does not knowingly and purposefully sexually assault her or rape her mind. And tbh, leaving a girl without combat training at home while he goes on missions with a bunch of muscled sentries is... kind of reasonable?

Again: not a Tamlin apologist post. It was abuse. However, if Rhysand is "allowed" to sexually assault, mind-rape, and drug Feyre "for her own safety", why is Tamlin demonized for preventing her from leaving his mansion "for her own safety"?

Another pertinent point: Rhys is never punished for sexually assaulting her. It is brushed off as part of his "mask" or that his hand was forced. Jesus Christ my dudes, his hand was not forced under her skirt. If he has to maintain his gross rapist abuser tyrant oppressor mask... why? Who did that benefit beside him? None of his actions remotely helped Prythian. They were done solely for his buddies - five people safe in a rich hidden city - and no one else, which is explicitly stated.

Finally, the power dynamic is fucked up. Feyre is less than twenty five years old. Rhysand is 500. There is a tendency in fantasy romance to romanticize a centuries year old man with a young girl, because the man does not show symptoms of age, and so it is easily ignorable. However, can we just briefly acknowledge how fucked up it is? Rhys is over five times older than Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and other known predators/abusers. She is twenty. That is really fucking gross. She is in a vulnerable position and he takes rampant advantage of that.

If he had wrinkles, liver problems, and erectile dysfunction, more people would acknowledge it.

Let's be clear: I'm not saying writing a book with an uneven power dynamic is automatically bad. For example, in The Locked Tomb series, which is in my opinion THE BEST FANTASY SERIES THAT HAS GRACED THIS EARTH (lol i'm starting fires), one main character Harrowhark Nonagesimus is in a position of power over Gideon Nav, the other main character. However, this is not glossed over or romanticized. Gideon resents Harrow for this- there is a relationship of mutual antagonism, fraught with unwilling familiarity and intimacy from growing up together. They are roughly the same age. While there is a certain power dynamic (in that world, there is a dynamic of necromancer and cavalier, i.e. sorcerer and sword) the "empowered" character (Harrow) emphatically respects her and does not abuse this power, although both would of course deny this, and she does make a show of threatening and being aloof. In short, while Gideon obeys her, Gideon also has power over Harrow, and the idea of what is essentially slavery is not romanticized.

Feyre Doesn't Face Any Consequences For Her Own Actions

Let me present a radical notion: a guy preventing you from leaving his house does not justify completely fucking ruining his country and harming the people inside it.

In other words: Tamlin does not deserve what she did to him.

I know that sounds iffy. We're conditioned to think that if someone is an abuser, then they are the scum of the earth, they deserve to die, torturing/murdering/doing anything to them is completely A-OK. However, here's another radical notion: someone harming you does not justify you doing worse.

Obviously, the effects of psychological abuse can cause you to hurt other people (see: Nesta), but Feyre deliberately and maliciously (oh, God, that insufferable POV of her in Spring Court; she reads like a cartoonish Disney villain) dismantles his country. She uses sexual manipulation (Lucien), torture (causing the sentry to be whipped), and mind-rape (who didn't she do this to? lol).

A summary of the entire first half of ACOWAR: "It smelled like roses. I hated roses. For this capital offense against my olfactory system, Tamlin and the entire Spring Court deserved to burn in hell. I knew exactly what I was doing. I smiled at him sweetly: no longer a doe, but a wolf. He didn't see my fangs.............." *aesthetic noises*

Man. I'm starting to think SJM had a horrible experience at a Bath & Body Works and took it out on the rest of us. Don't do it, Sarah!! I know Pink Chiffon and Triple Berry Martini are way too strong, but don't take it out on an innocent population!!

She steals from Summer Court (there are, yk, other solutions to theft. Like maybe asking politely) and ruins Spring Court. Her boyfriend - yeesh sorry, MATE - does nothing while a dozen Winter Court children are murdered.

Now: moral ambiguity is not automatically bad. Again using The Locked Tomb as an example, in the second book (spoiler alert), Harrowhark has a sort of moral ambiguity. She was raised from the beginning to worship the King Undying as God, and so she obeys him without question. Because of this, she commits a lot of crimes in His name: she "flips" - i.e. kills - the life force of planets, and she plots murder (albeit the murder of someone who tried to kill her first). There is no attempt to justify this. There is also no attempt to paint her as a virtuous and yet also badass Madonna figure. She is desperate, plagued with the "wreck of herself", and the book clearly displays her moral pitfalls. While her POV is of course colored by her mindset, it also is limited by her lack of information, and we as readers can acknowledge that.

BACK TO ACOTAR: Feyre is seen by everyone as gorgeous, formidable, and essentially perfect. Rhys sees her as flawless, "made for him", wonderful, beautiful, blah blah blah. (THEY ARE SO BAD FOR EACH OTHER; THEY EXCUSE AND GLORIFY EACH OTHER'S CRIMES, IT'S SO BAD, GUYYYS). Tamlin is insanely batshit in love with her, or whatever. To the Night Court she's the High Lady. In this way she personifies the Mary Sue character. (Excerpt from the TV Tropes page on Mary Sues: "She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing. She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story. The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their True Companions, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting; if any character doesn't love her, that character gets an extremely unsympathetic portrayal." Sound familiar?)

There is the Ourobous scene. And yet, paradoxically, while presented as an acknowledgment of her flaws, it is in fact a rejection of them. She sees her own brutality... and instead of recognizing that she has these deep, deep moral flaws and realizing that she needs to grow and be better, she in fact "accepts" them.

Guys: Self love means: "I'm important to me, so I'm going to get a massage today after work", or "heck, why not splurge on some expensive lotion, you only live once" or "you know what? I had a tough day today. I'm going to get that strawberry cupcake". SELF LOVE DOES NOT MEAN "oh, I accept all the war crimes I have done, I love myself". LOVING YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN ABSOLVING YOURSELF OF ALL WRONGDOING.

It's this refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing that is so grating about ACOTAR. It's so goddamn one-sided. And you can tell that after Book 1, SJM decided to completely change the trajectory simply because of how jarring Book 2 reads compared to the first one.

Also: Feyre is a very, very young girl (compared to the other ruling fey) who did not know how to read for the majority of her life. She has no experience whatsoever in politics. Her being High Lady is not a win for feminism.

Rhysand: He Sucks

First, he is 500 years old. He should be written as such, not as some 20 year old virile frat boy feminist. Fantasy is all the more compelling for its elements of realism, which is a concept that SJM does not appear to grasp.

Second of all, his morals are absurd. He is written as the Second Coming of Christ, as someone who can do no wrong, ever, and his flaws only serve to make Feyre love him more. Anything shitty he does is written as part of his "mask" and she can See Beneath It and knows that it "hurts" him to maintain this "mask".

Fellas, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAINTAIN THIS MASK???? There is no reason for it. If A) he does not give a shit about Court of Nightmares (we'll get back to that), only about Velaris, and B) Velaris is hidden/protected from the world, what is he pretending for?

It would not hurt him politically to be seen as someone who cares about his country.

"Pretending" to be "Amarantha's whore" does not in any way shape or form benefit the macro-world that is Prythian. In Amarantha's name, he commits atrocities. He commits war crimes; he systemically oppresses entire societies. It doesn't even really benefit Velaris, because Velaris is already hidden.

Let me put this in a real-world perspective. This would be like if Donald Trump was suddenly like: "I know I was a shitty president but IT WAS ALL PART OF MY MASK, WHICH WAS TO PROTECT THIS MICROCOSM OF PRIVILEGED PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT". Like: okay? Sorry, or whatever, but I don't actually give a shit. What about the parents of the children who died? What about Clare Beddor? What about the people who were held in slavery, murdered, tortured?

Rhysand: omg it sucks that my cousin Mor was oppressed by this toxic misogynistic culture from the Court of Nightmares.

Also Rhysand: lol whatever, who gives a shit about Court of Nightmares. They all suck. They meanie. Lol what did you say? That there might be other girls just like Mor who are oppressed by this system? Lol whatever. I can't do anything, I gotta maintain my Mask. I gotta sit on this throne and show the entire Court that not respecting women is completely okay.

In summary: by parading Feyre around as his "whore" (!!) he demonstrates by example that it is completely okay for the Court of Nightmares to abuse their women.

A good ruler cares about all his people. Rhysand cares about a tiny tiny fraction of his people: those who were fortunate enough to be born into Velaris.

God, I'm exhausted. Onto Nesta:

The only character who successfully breaks the Mary Sue effect Feyre exerts on her people is Nesta. Her POV for the first half is a joy to read.

Obviously it sucks that Nesta was a huge bitch to Feyre for the beginning of her childhood. However, it was wrong for Rhysand to threaten her- he is a man male with a huge insane amount of power, and it is not okay for him to threaten to bring the brunt of it down on a young girl because she was a bitch to his girlfriend.

I've seen a lot of discourse on the morality of F/R sending her out of Velaris. Here is my two cents:

It was okay for them to cut her off of their money. If they don't want to enable her self-harm, that is their choice. Again, it's their money, even if it wasn't fairly earned (Rhysand born into an enormous fortune).

It was not okay for them to banish her from Velaris with the implication that she was an embarrassment. Let me explain.

If Rhysand and Feyre are talking to her as sister/brother-in-law, then that is that. They have the complete right to express disapproval and try to help. However, they should not be using their royal privilege against her.

If they are talking to her as ruler to subject, then they have the power to banish her from the city. However, a ruler would not give a shit about a random subject getting drunk and having sex. So, they should not be talking her about her problems as a ruler to subject.

I've heard it compared to her being sent to rehab. However, rehab is a system designed to help people with certain problems. It has specialized medical centers and involves therapy. Nesta gets her life threatened multiple times. It is not rehab.

In summary: why did SJM inflict this upon us. Throne of Glass was actually good! GAHHH! After the first few books she completely whipped around and introduced the idea of males and mates and fey and that C is actually A and the quality took a huge nosedive. Sigh.

Final horrible but unmistakable truth: The entire ACOTAR series reads like a bad A/B/O fic. I hate to say it but it's true. We're lucky there were no heat cycles. OH WAIT

[luminousdelight]

Multisectional ventpost hhhhh

Okay, the first thing here is rly just, I really dont like being in that friend server im in kinda (yk dori, that one i invited you in once). Theres like- 2 people that kinda ruin it for me completely, like I really wanna get out of it, which like- is kinda awful because thats the only place I really feel like I can stay rn- im too anxious to just suddenly start talking in random servers and irl is obv not an option for me. The reason those ppl r like a problem is just, one of them cant go 2 messages without complaining about either "commies" or "trannies" and is overall just an annoying person with how often they bring this stuff up along with their sentiment, and they sexualize alot its rly uncomfortable. The other one isnt really as annoying but still- it makes me feel uncomfortable being around them kinda, theyre pretty transphobic too but at least they dont mention it on their own. They also think the Andrew Tate getting banned from his socials stuff was unfair because he was just "ironic" so- yeah... (Late edit but theres also someone that cant shut up about how Honkai is better than Genshin and it drives me insane like yeah, maybe, idk, but can you shut up about it sometime maybe actually and not mention it every 10 seconds?? We get it Oh yeah and they did say some pretty trnasphobic stuff as well. At least those 3 are the only ones). I really dont like being there

Another thing is like, I really really hate venting ab the same thing to the same person multiple times because it just feels like- ill be kinda repetitive about it eventually :,D and a sorry for that only works so many times. So I just end up bottling up alot of stuff because im rly afraid to bother ppl too much about it. The same is a bit with these public vents too but- its not that bad there at least, my fear there is rather that all of that falls on deaf ears (or that a person I dont want reading about my struggles ends up reading it, like the ones in the server i mentioned) ;w;

And another thingy vent with that ex-(??? | hopefully not ;w;) friend. I really dont think things happened like they played it out like- idk quite know how to explain it but- theres just alot of things that just wouldnt make sense to me in that case.. I know I keep telling myself I should let go ab this over and over again but I rly cant- I just feel extremely convinced I mustve done smth wrong ;w; and in that case I just end up extremely hoping there might still be a chance to get my feelings reciprocated again if any of this just happened to be a huge misunderstanding. But its also the only part of this I really have any control over by now and this thought process just keeps making me feel more tense and tense the longer this situation goes on i just ghdjghjsdhdfhjs ;A; So I just rly wanna let go just if thats not the case but hsjhdfjhf its so hard qwp I really dont wanna be too pushy with this either, and im also not sure if they might even find out ab these posts and all that, wouldnt rly be that unexpected tho i feel, i kinda hope they will, it would make things alot easier. Please save me from this, im begging --- ;-;

Edit edit!!: Ik my reasoning is a bit nonsensical for this, I was just in complete denial still when its clearly not worth it by any metric, even if they wouldve responded by now

[electra-xt]

midnight hotline is one of my favorite fics! it's so rare to find an author willing to treat both luther AND diego as, yk, three-dimensional characters instead of caricatures. i was wondering if you still have interest in their dynamic after s2? tbh i love reading your lists of headcanons, so would delight in any thoughts you have about them as a ship or polycule w/ other characters. no worries if not! thank you either way for feeding us the good content!

ahhh thank you!! luther deserves sooo much more than the fandom gives him, doesn’t he? (although i feel like after the initial s1 backlash i now see a lot of posts that wax eloquent about how poor luther is misunderstood and the most traumatized, so perhaps people are seeing it differently.) they deserve to be three-dimensional characters! they have the potential! even if the writers in season 2 decided to dumb them down a ridiculous amount. olga foroga? everyone leaving diego hanging with ‘team zero’? it felt like the writers were like “well tom hopper has great comedic timing. what if we did that and nothing else.” that being said though, i DID like how when luther stormed out of elliot’s house, diego followed him and tried to give him a pep talk. good shit! enemies to brothers! 

i don’t think i’d personally write more about luther/diego as a couple— midnight hotline encapsulates pretty much all i have to say about the two of them, tbh. in terms of polycules i am a huge fan of luther/allison/diego as a threesome and i can trace this back to the fight scene at the academy in s1e3 which was decadent for a simple person such as myself who appreciates competent people kicking ass together. the reason i love luther, diego, and allison together is the power dynamics between them and the rest of the academy” luther obviously was number one, allison had an extremely socially potent power, and diego schemed all he could to climb in his status. in general, i’m much more interested in stories about powerful people experiencing a reckoning with their status and assumptions than i am about underestimated underdogs. so i am enthusiastic and excited when i see them all kicking ass togethee

i actually wrote about 7-8k words of a second luther/allison/diego fic last december, but i don’t think i’ll be able to finish it— buuut i can post a snippet here! the premise is that they are teenagers at the academy, allison is goading them into manifesting their sexual tension, and diego and luther are coming back from sneaking out to a club :)

The footsteps got louder. Allison inhaled and then exhaled, forcibly calming herself, and then she heard the sound of familiar laughter.

“They fucking loved you, man, don’t act so surprised. You can’t go in a club flexing all your muscles like that and then act like it’s crazy when girls start coming up to you and petting you.”

“I wasn’t trying to flex at anyone— you told me this shirt was fine.”

“It is,” Diego said, “if you’re trying to get laid.”

“You said it was normal.”

“Wanting to get laid is normal, buddy. We’re at the house. Come on, I’ll show you how to get back in.”

Allison stubbed out her cigarette on the metal piping on the roof, and then she climbed out onto her window, perching carefully on the windowsill as they came around the corner into the courtyard.

Luther was dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a white tank top. It clung to every curve of his muscles. No wonder the girls had gone crazy over him. He looked good, appealing in a rugged way, yet less rough-and-tumble than Diego, who looked like he was smudged with some girl’s body glitter. Luther was leaning on Diego a little bit as he walked. The two of them looked excruciatingly perfect in the dim light, and Allison let out a tiny sigh.

“You good?” Diego said, looking up at Luther.

“Can we,” Luther said, “just sit for a moment?”

“You really need to?” Diego said.

“Yeah,” Luther said, stumbling to the bench in the courtyard and sitting down hard. “Yeah.”

“Oh, baby, you’re drunk,” Diego said, in awe.

“So?” Luther said. “Don’t you do this all the time?”

“I’ll have a drink,” Diego said, sitting down next to him. “But it’s not really the point of going out.”

“You’re tipsy right now,” Luther said. He reached in and tapped Diego’s nose.

Diego batted his hand away too quickly, and Luther laughed. “I don’t usually drink too much,” Diego said. “It’s… special occasions.”

“Like this?” Luther said.

“Going out with my clueless straight boy brother?” Diego said. “Yeah, I’d say that’s special.”

“I don’t know why you’re always telling me I’m straight,” Luther said.

“‘Cause you are,” Diego said. “I mean, I’m not— it’s not a big deal. I don’t care about it. Thought I just… we both know where we stand.”

“I’m not straight,” Luther said.

There was no noise. Allison leaned out the window a little further.

“Oh,” Diego said.

“You wanted to know where we… stood,” Luther said.

“Yeah,” Diego said.

“Is that a problem?”

“You keep it pretty quiet,” Diego said.

“So do you,” Luther said.

“Fuck,” Diego said. He rubbed his face. “This whole time, gay chicken, I thought you were a…”

“I’m not a clueless straight boy,” Luther said.

“You’re a clueless not-straight boy.”

“Diego.”

“Sorry,” Diego said, sounding the opposite of sorry, but he was quiet for a moment. The next time he spoke, he sounded tentative. “You’re really into guys, huh?”

“Don’t be weird about it,” Luther said, looking down at his hands.

“I’m not, man, I promise,” Diego said. He laughed a little. “I mean, I get it better than anybody.”

“It’s not really a part of me I thought about a lot,” Luther said. “Until Allison’s… game.”

“Allison made it weird,” Diego said.

Allison felt a flush of shame from her perch on the windowsill. Fuck her intentions. Fuck herself. Whenever she tried to intervene in a situation, save for a crime scene, she always dug her fingers in too far and made a mess, didn’t she? And Jesus, she didn’t even rumor them this time.

“Yeah,” Luther said. He paused.

“What?” Diego said.

“I don’t know,” Luther said. He still wasn’t looking at him. “You’re right. It’s weird.”

“She has some balls to pull this shit,” Diego said. He shook his head. “Gay chicken.”

“I don’t mind that it’s weird,” Luther said.

Allison went still.

“Really,” Diego said.

Luther shifted. “I know it’s— weird that I don’t think it’s weird, because it’s weird, but—”

“Are you into it?” Diego said, voice low.

Allison could barely breathe from the silence.

Luther looked down.

“Hey,” Diego said, tipping Luther’s chin up with his hand. “You get shy all of a sudden?”

“Diego,” Luther said, “are you…” He shook his head, as if chastising himself. “Are you—”

He cut himself off. Allison watched him, holding her breath, and she could see Diego watching him too. Everything seemed to hinge on Luther in this moment— unlike every mission in which he was Number One, titled as the captain, the boy king, and it was easy to brush him off. But right now, from her windowsill, Allison was magnetically drawn to the boy on the bench with a question in his mouth and a white undershirt that seemed to glow in the nighttime.

“You can say it,” Diego said quietly.

“You don’t know what it is,” Luther said.

“If I knew,” Diego said, “I wouldn’t need you to say it.”

Luther swallowed.

“C’mon,” Diego said. “Let it out.”

His voice was hushed. Allison could barely hear him. Luther looked up at him, disbelieving.

“Are you into me?” Luther said, looking up at him.

Diego nodded, once. Then he nodded again. “Yeah,” he said. “I— this whole time, Allison’s game, I wanted… you better not be fucking with me, you better not tell anyone, I swear to God— you better forget this when you sober up tomorrow.”

“No,” Luther said.

Diego blinked. “What?”

“I don’t want to forget,” Luther said, and he dragged Diego in and kissed him.

[kedreeva]

My partner is ace, and sees our relationship as a QPR. But, and I'm ashamed saying it, I'm a 17 yo full of hormones, and handholding doesn't quite fulfill my needs. I'm young and want to explore my sexuality yk ? Knowing them, I'm afraid that talking about them might make them feel like they're not enough and not valid. An open relationship could be an option, but I'm so afraid of doing something that they think is wrong. Damaging our relationship would break me, I love them so much. Help ?

There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s… just start at the beginning.

My partner is ace, and sees our relationship as a QPR

Right out of the gate, I can tell you that if you do not see the relationship as QPR, that’s something that you need to have a conversation about as soon as possible. If your partner is ace but not aro, and there is a romance but not sex, that’s a little different story than if your partner is both aro and ace. These are Very Important Differences to be clear about with one another because they can lead to a lot of problems if someone doesn’t understand where the boundaries are. Don’t do that to yourself. Communicate.

But, and I’m ashamed saying it, I’m a 17 yo full of hormones, and handholding doesn’t quite fulfill my needs

There’s nothing at all to be ashamed about, but it is important that, again (and I’m going to sound like a broken record here), this is something that needs to be communicated, and communicated in a way that is not “you’re not meeting my needs” but rather in “this is what I think/feel/want and I would like to discuss with you the best way for me to go about fulfilling those wants.” And I’m going to be clear here: no matter what else it feels like, sex and the like are not needs. They are desires. For some people they’re strong ones, for sure, but no one will die from not getting them met.

I’m young and want to explore my sexuality yk ?

I absolutely do know, and you should have the chance to do that if you want. But you may end up having to weigh this want against your want to stay with your partner. I’m not saying it’s a certainty, but you need to have a thought about which you want more. As an aside here, I will tell you that I dated my partner in HS, decided the exact same thing that you’re asking about right now, that I wanted to explore more about who I was and all, so I broke up with him, went about my business for a few years, and came back. I didn’t expect him to wait, and he didn’t, but we did manage to find a window at some point to get back together and we are both so much better people for it, for that time apart to go exploring on our own.

Knowing them, I’m afraid that talking about them might make them feel like they’re not enough and not valid.

There’s no sense in worrying about mights, and by assuming how they’re going to think and feel, you’re taking away their agency in the decision making process. The only way you can know anything for sure is to talk to them about it honestly.

An open relationship could be an option, but I’m so afraid of doing something that they think is wrong. 

This is where drawing boundaries and having rules is extremely important. I had to set these rules up, myself, in my own relationship, and heck yeah it was a difficult conversation to start and yes, we had to have it a couple of times while we sorted things out, but ultimately the decisions we came to, we came to together and the situation we created for ourselves is something we can both be comfortable with.

And, rather unfortunately, and you’re not going to like hearing this, but if you’re partners in a relationship, then you need to be partners. you both need to be comfortable and it’s obvious that you’re not, currently. That does count, that does matter, that does make a difference. 

Damaging our relationship would break me, I love them so much.

At the end of the day, you’re just going to have to make the decision for yourself. It’s going to suck, my friend, but you have to look at what you want and look at what you have and decide which is worth more to you, if you cannot come to an agreement.

I cannot express to you how many times I walked away from a relationship because the other person wanted children. That’s a no-go for me, absolutely, and I 100% refuse to put another person in a situation where they have to forego something that big if they want it. And the bad thing? is that people will do that. People will absolutely compromise themselves and their wants in HUGE ways, in order to be with someone they love. And for some things that’s okay, for small things, that’s okay. But things like children? Things like this? That kind of Big Thing will fester if you don’t air it out. You gotta talk about it, you’ve got to be clear.

Because as much as I hate to say it, love isn’t enough to hold together something that won’t work. Love (romantic or otherwise!!) is great, and it absolutely must be an element in a romantic relationship, but there’s so much MORE that needs to go into the pot in order to make it work. Trust, communication, respect… It’s all gotta be mixed in. This goes for EVERY relationship- romantic, QPR, friendships, family… all of them.

Talk to them. Don’t make your problems their fault, but tell them what you are thinking, what you are feeling, and what your idea for a plan would be, and then ask them what they are thinking, feeling, and would like for the plan to be. Trust them back, to communicate and continue to love you. I can’t promise this will mean it works out, but I can tell you that you’ll end up where you need to be.

[yung-todoroki]

I’m going to buy gillette

Okay so get this. I’m in the air force. I like to practice mma, work out, drink muscle milk, I love fast cars, etc etc. Looking at what I just described, you could describe me as a “manly” guy because of what I do and what I like. (Not that those things are exclusively a male thing, women could absolutely like those exact things just fine and should be free to)

And I for the life of me Cannot understand how any guy with any shred of self respect, honor, and integrity could dislike the gillette commercial.

I cannot fathom how anyone could possibly look at this and go: what a bad ad, I’m gonna boycott them.

Because everything displayed in the commercial is basic human decency. It’s base level morality and humanity, not by any stretch of the imagination is what they are asking men to do strenuous

The ad asks men to

-Not bully/stand up against bullying

-Not objectify women like they are sex objects

-Treat women with respect by listening to their words and ideas

-Not excuse bad behavior as “boys will be boys) (if you let your boys physically hurt each other and you are okay with that, wHat the fuck is wrong with you)

-Not sexually assault and sexually harass women

-Hold themselves and other men accountable for their actions by checking and stopping them before they do something gross like catcall or follow women

-Strive to deesculate fights and strive for peace

-Empower their daughters (and women as a whole)

-Be a better example for the future generation

-Challenge themselves to be a better person

How is any of that hard?

It’s literally just being a good person

It’s treating others how you would want to be treated

It’s not being a piece of shit

I learned all of this in middle school where I realized if I acted better then I’d connect more with people, have less people antagonize me, and I’d feel a lot better about myself and have less of a fragile ego

So when I first watched the ad without reading the comments I figured it’d be fine, nothing out of the ordinary; just a simple message of asking better of men. To be better than before. It was a message to give hope to a better future, a society with better men in it.

And what did the dislikes and the comments show?

That we are far from that better future, that the boys of today still have problems with mysogyny, sexual assault, sexual harassment, toxic masculinity, all of it; and when confronted with the challenge of being a better human being, what do these boys say? “How dare you ask better of me and my actions, how dare you hold me to a higher standard, how dare you ask me to put in effort, how dare you criticize and show to light the problems associated with me and my gender and ask me to do something about it.”

“You know what I’m going to do?”

“I’m going to boycott”

“I’m not going to be civil and respectfully disagree, I’m going to throw a tantrum”

“I’m going to put as little effort in understanding the message of the video as possible and fucking leapfrog to conclusions”

“I’m going to instead of addressing the video attack the company instead and Suddenly become a champion of child labour laws”

“I’m going to bring up shit that has nothing to do with the video like women bullying women (because yk women bully women too so that should excuse men bullying men because ???)

“I’m going to make jokes at the expense of transgender and gay people”

Good fucking god

Good job!

Outstanding job!

You proved to me and every other decent human being out there that despite all the progress we’ve made there are still hundreds of thousands of terrible boys like you.

Boys who can’t be bothered to be better

Boys who can’t step up to the task

Boys who refuse to be men

And all I can think is what a shame

I’m going to like the gillette video

I’m going to buy gillette (they were pretty good razors anyway)

I’m going to hold other men accountable

I’m going raise my kids right

I’m going to be a better person

And I encourage you to do the same

[kenmaash]

huge ass vent

huge fucking vent ahead:

two of the people i'm ab to talk about follow me and i'm in deep shit if a certain one of them sees this (ALSO JAMIE IF UR READING THIS SHUT UR GODDAMN MOUTH AT SCHOOL)

i'll be using fake names for everyone but if anyone involved is reading this, they'll know who they are

ok so my love life is fucking WEIRD ok?

my first relationship was in early august 2019 and with this girl we’ll call jess. i had liked jess for like 2 months and finally got the balls to ask her out. she said yes and we went on like 2 dates before she broke up with me. she said that it would be ‘too hard to date someone who didn’t go to the same school as her’ which tf, and also she didn’t want her moms to know. even though they literally already knew. 

either way, i developed a crush on a girl in my class named ‘rose’ pretty fast but it was only a “shit she’s hot” crush so it did nothing. and that only lasted like 9 months simply thinking she was hot as fuck and nothing romantic.

that same year in november, i met this person named angel (fake name) at a dance. they were wearing a suit but also makeup and i was like “uh yes i want this one please” so i asked them out. well, my friend asked them out for me. angel an i exchanged numbers and started dating. we dated FOR 5 MONTHS before angel finally told me that they only had platonic feelings for me and had only liked me as a friend this whole time. i was so relieved because i felt the same way but was too scared to say anything. we’re still best friends and they’re still number one on my prettiest people list (ily ‘angel’ lol). they also helped me figure out my sexuality and gender identity so i owe a lot to them <3

ok here’s where the fucking weird shit starts.

(the rest is below the cut)

WEIRD ASS LOVE LIVE CONTINUED

ok here’s where the fucing weird shit starts.

in march-ish of 2020, i met this girl online named allie. we were best friends for 2 months before she confessed to me and we started dating. i fell in love super fast and ended up breaking up with her because i was afraid of what being in love with someone i hadn't met in person would come out to. the two weeks we were separated were the worst two weeks of my whole life (at the time) and i couldn't live without her. one of my best online friends confessed to me and i was just kinda like :’) and pretended to like her until i just couldn’t anymore.

like a week after that, i apologized and explained myself and we got back together. just for allie's mom to find out about us in august and block me, take her phone, threaten me and allie, and leave it at that. 

a little while later, i started talking to this girl (also online bc im literally stupid and didn't learn my lesson) and we started dating. that one lasted a week before i realized how much we weren't compatible. she was cool to have as a friend, but she was way too clingy and obsessive for me. i broke up with her and said i would wait for allie because she was much kinder to me and better for me.

a month or so later, a girl at my school (we'll call her taylor) admitted she liked me. i was up for dating because i thought it would help me get over allie.

it didn't, and i broke up with taylor after 'dating' for 2 days. (a pattern starts here)

allie's birthday was in october, and i tried to text her to see if she would respond, just wishing her a happy birthday etc.

she answered me.

allie and i talked for a little bit and i asked if she still had feelings for me and if it was still okay for me to call her my girlfriend. she said no, and it literally crushed me. she said that she was actually aromatic (doesn't feel romantic attraction) and i helped her figure that out. because she didn't love me.

so you can imagine how i felt then,,, i was so upset but obviously i didn't tell her. i asked if we could still be friends and she said yes. i had to leave to go to school so we said bye and i left. that afternoon, after school, i texted her again and asked how her birthday had gone. my message didn't deliver. the next day i asked if she blocked me, just to be sure. didn't deliver. so i tried again the next week and of course it didn't deliver. i tried to forget about her after that, but i still woke up every morning worried that something happened. fast forward to late december, when i developed feelings for one of my best friends (we'll call her sam).

my best friend figured out that sam liked me too, and we started dating. it lasted 48 hours before she told me she actually didn’t like me like that. (see what i meant about a pattern? it keeps going)

new years eve! i’m hanging out with my best friend and they decide to text allie. remember her? so allie answers and says she actually unlocked me a little while ago. so i text her from my phone and we talk.

only to have this girl tell me she’s actually not aromantic, she’s cis straight and has a boyfriend (she used she/they and identified as a lesbian when i dated her), and she lied to me the entire time we dated. she said she never loved me and she was “lying to herself as much as she was lying at me”. then she starts quoting bible verses at me and says “i don’t have a problem with other people being gay, i just can’t be. i just can’t”. and my friend and i agreed that she’s probably in denial and her church brainwashed her after her mom found out about us.

so she says that shE WONT BLOCK ME BUT WONT TEXT ME UNTIL WE’RE 18 (very soon) SO WE CAN MEET???????????? AND SHE WANTS TO MEET ME AND BE MY FRIEND????????????????? so i blocked her ass

-[let me bring up a creepy dream real quick. a few nights earlier, i had a dream that i met allie and we just hung out as romantic partners. she kissed me, hugged me, and i said goodbye. she just smiled sadly and said “sayonara, ash” WHICH IK HUGE BANANA FISH VIBES BUT in japan, “sayonara” is only supposed to be used if you’re never going to see someone again. in the dream she said sayonara to me and then this happened. i’ll never see the girl i knew again…]-

after that encounter happened, me and my best friend agreed that 2021 would be our year of getting over the people we’ve been in love with since march (allie for me and this other girl in our friend group for them). then 2021 came...

on like the 10th of this month (january lol), this girl in my class started flirting with me. i flirted back bc there’s no harm in that yk lol. she was straight but ended up turning queer because of me. i went WAY too fast and shoved myself into a relationship with (we’ll call he summer). she ignored me the entire time the ‘relationship’ happened. it lasted 48 fucking hours (i’m really just moving through these girls in my friend group like thatttt) before i told her i rushed myself and didn’t actually have feelings for her. she was like “lol fine” and then badmouthed me to our entire grade for the rest of the week. she was on our friend group group chat and started badmouthing me there too, but one of my best friends just removed summer’s sorry ass and we all blocked her on everything. i’ve been in this friend group for 6 years and she’d only been officially in it for a week, so idk why i was so surprised that my friends were so loyal to me through this whole thing.

ANYWAYS, the day after i broke up with summer, i realized i had feelings for sam again. i’m not going to act on them because i love her too much as a best friend, but the feelings are there and she follows me so im kinda dying lol. (i also figured out recently that she didn’t rly understand relationships and though that people who dated only dated when they were fully in love with each other, and she was in love with me back in december and had been for a while. she only fell out of love when i reciprocated,,, so uh :D)

i also spend $80 on stuff for sam yesterday and my fucking caRd dECLINED WTFFFFFFF AMAZON??

,

,

,

,

,

tyvm for sitting through this, anyone who decided to do that <33

[37h4n0l]

1) Don't worry, I (aka the anon who started it all) don't think your reply came off as hostile at all. It's just so tiring when you want to get some things that bother you off your chest and then the obligatory 'but not all xyz do this or that' happens. Yes, I do know that, but it's a generalization. Not all, but enough to make you think it may even be the better part of the fandom. That being said, I agree with all your points against YOI. OK, so the victuuri relationship may be a cute and

(Rest under the cut) (I also hope no one will lynch me for being lazy and putting this out without doing anything about censoring shipnames but I’ll spam it with all the possible anti tags, fear not)

fluffy one that makes you feel good and warm inside or whatever, but is there really a need to write essays analyzing every single gesture or facial expression and then feel proud of your analytical skills, as if you've just discovered a new planet? No, there is not. It's not that deep; it's actually as straightforward a show as it can be. The bashing of otayuri and pliroy is one thing and it has more to do with the general moral poilce anti trend that is spreading everywhere, so I wouldn't attribute it solely to the YOI fandom. Now on the other hand, the bashing of pliroy just because it's contradictory to otayuri, one of the holy doublet of YOI ships, is something that bothers me personally. It's almost as if shipping anything that directly contradicts victuuri/otayuri is a blasphemy in this fandom and generally looked down upon. I've actually seen someone outright ask why would anyone ship pliroy when otayuri exists/is canon/is clearly a better and more healthy option for Yuri etc. So, this and the constant victuuri/otayuri wank, while all the other characters/smaller ships are mostly a background noise to it; it really seems to me as if 5 fanarts out of 10 on my dashboard would feature victuuri, 4 would feature otayuri and there's only one left for other pairings (one-track-mindedness at its finest). And there's of course the fact that most YOI fans seriously think that victuuri is the first canon gay couple in the history of anime, that the anime itself is revolutionary and progressive, that victuuri is a prefect representation, that YOI is the actual anime of the year, because popularity doesn't lie, and if you dare to disagree with all of those, then you're clearly homophobic and whatnot. Plus, there's the invading of the tags unrelated to YOI (not even for the purpose of recommending other titles but to say something along the lines of 'if shit like xyz got a second season, then YOI deserves at least seven' - actually seen something like that with my own eyes) or hijacking of the serious topics (like the oppression of sexual minorities) and making them all about YOI. And that's just the top of the list of what the YOI fandom is guilty of. But hey, it's alright, because it's 'not all' YOI fans. Siigh. Sorry it got so long, but ugh. Sometimes I wish someone would just delete YOI from existence so that we would be spared of all this saltiness. As for 91d, you're probably right about everything but still, I'll never be able to understand why anyone would just voluntarily turn off their thought processes and comprehension skills just because of some personal biases, especially when it comes to a show such as 91d, that requires at least the bare minimum of thinking and analyzing. But whatever, I guess people nowadays are just too used to having everything spelled out to them and handed on a silver plattter (ex. they should've had it explicitly stated on-screen that Avilio and Nero didn't hate each other).

This goes for all the ‘not all’ arguments; the important thing is, as you said, how widespread a behaviour is statistically within a community, but also whether the other members acknowledge that it’s happening or not. I know it’s easy to take it personally when you hear someone complain about a fandom you’re in, but at that point it really only depends on wording (which is deliberately harsh when someone is just venting, it’s just the way it is). 

About meta; yeah, I find a lot of it superfluous as well, as I’ve said before. And by this I don’t mean it should be eliminated from the face of the planet, just that I don’t personally put the 2934892348th detailed explanation on why vn and yk love each other so much in the same ‘tier’ as, say, speculations about the second season or character parallelisms and stuff like that. It’s shipperwankery in the end and I don’t think me making fun of it harms anyone? The only thing I worry about is that it’s hard to separate banter from an actual serious opinion from time to time (could be about how I express myself? Probably yes). No, for the record, I don’t want to exterminate anyone who makes extensive posts about vn’s lustful glare. It’s just... There’s too much of it. Way too much. By the way, the ring controversy and the reaches made there will never not be funny, sorry not sorry.

A bit of a tangent on the otayuri-pliroy conflict; it always seemed so weird to me how similar the two ships are aesthetically? (Considering people keep confusing the two on fanart, I’d say that’s a major fuckup in terms of JJ’s and Otabek’s character design, but that might just be me). I keep getting the impression that they wanted the pliroy bait to go somewhere but then changed their mind for whatever reason and created otayuri as kind of a ‘tamer substitute’. But this is besides the point; it all brings me back to my personal beef with this tendency of positing ‘sugary sweet’ as the only acceptable standard for a relationship because... people are more sensitive nowadays? I can only guess. Viktuuri and otayuri got tied together for some reason, it’s like they come in a package and everyone who ships one has to run with the other as well. 

I grieve for the background characters and smaller ships as well, anon. Just imagine the sheer crack potential; and instead, everything gets pushed in the back in favour of the same things over and over. The things that could’ve been: victurio (the underage ship that tumblr will fucking lynch me for), emil/michele, sara/mila, georgi/yurio (yes I do love my crack), chris/victor, chris/that guy we saw in his room, yuuri’s sister/literally anyone (because I like her) and the list could go on and on. But this is not even always about the ship itself; it’s the dynamics, those are what popularizes things. Even when there are ships in other fandoms that have been popular for a longer time, there’s a tendency on tumblr to make them very mild and fluffy. I’m not saying there’s anything we can do about this, nor that something should be done about it, all I’m in opposition to is people who claim it’s the ‘right’ way to do shipping because it’s ‘healthier’ or something, as you put it.

Because popularity doesn’t lie

Thank you, this is exactly how I’d word it as well. The crux of this issue isn’t yoi being objectively good or bad, it’s whether popularity implies that something is good, or not. Or what ‘good’ even means in this context. My personal (salty) opinion is that there are anime that could be enjoyed just as much as (if not more than) yoi if only they got more exposure. I’m not talking about 91d either because I’ve already explained in detail what the problem with advertising it was in the previous post. And yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re talking about that certain addition to the Chechnya post. I can see it was well-intentioned but it was... well... a little bit out of place, to put it in euphemisms? ‘Too soon’, as they say? But, in the end, I’m sort of glad that yoi exists because if not anything else, it can be considered a massive social experiment, an example of fandom behaviour. And if it made some people happy, then I wish them all the best. The fixation with it will go away with time too, eventually.