#i just got tired and couldn't will myself to draw them rn

[raticalshoez]

MY FAVORITE GUY !!!!

Started off as a doodle, ended up actually shading 💀

CLOSE UPS:

[moth-flavor]

Realization, or some shit.

I feel like shit right now

My mental health right now is ass

Been watching some videos which caused me to make a small realization that I've might've been groomed online

Had conversations with a 20 year old, n' which they would randomly RP with me, even though I've made it rather clear of how I don't feel comfortable doing RPs in general, and how sometimes it just feels forced

It would be fetish-y RPs I guess, no sex or 'nything, but they're were things relating to ass n' such, like groping n' shit.

Idk, and I guess they've manipulated me. I kept feeling sympathy for them, cause they claimed that they were fucked up, that they had autism, tourettes, been through abusive relationships or some shit which caused them to have trust issues, n' supposedly tried to take their own life by overdosing.

I'm not sure how much of it was even true to be honest.

Anyways, whenever they would get in trouble, I was torn because I knew they were in the wrong, yet, I couldn't tell because of the things they said that happened to them might've been the reason why they did what they've done. (I'm just currently spouting shit, so sorry if half of the things I'm saying doesn't make sense, I'm just tired rn)

Anyways, they take advantage of the fact that I didn't have a bank account of some sort, so they could get free art out of.

It was rare for me to draw shit just because I felt like it, and more of them requesting shit for me to draw.

They mostly requested fetish art of their character.

They would constantly send me fetish art, which made me felt like shit, cause the art that they send was made by someone who actually knows what they're doing, and it made me feel like shit comparing myself to them.

I asked them to stop sending it to me that shit, and they did, only for a brief moment before sending that shit again.

Things only broke off because they got into an argument with another friend of mines, who was 18 (I think). They were spreading misinformation about them and calling them a pedo or some shit.

They apparently did threats about shooting up a school (honestly don't know how true that was), gave someone a mental break and just give up on their project all together, was overworking people to get free art n' shit. N' was just a total asshole overall.

anyways, not sure what else to say, maybe there's some extra things I'm forgetting, but overall, go fuck yourself, Kuro.

[yurki-posts]

Just some midnight vent art. Some context down below because I need this out of my chest.

Big warning tho, it's a lot of text and if you're going through some hard stuff, I highly recommend not to read it. There's nothing motivating there, just venting

In 2021 I got hospitalized for Anemia. Anemia is caused by a lack of iron in the body, and because of my very strong food selectivity, I dislike a lot of food, including almost all fruits and no vegetables (except potatoes). This is a part of my autism, but I didn't knew that at the moment.

Because of this, I slowly lost all my iron. A normal person would feel very dizzy and probably faint over any kind of physical activity and even have a heart attack if pushed too far (and also if their anemic state is very bad), but I was asymptomatic, which means I didn't had any symptoms of it, which made it impossible for my parents and doctors to tell something was wrong with me. This is why my Anemia wasn't noticed for 4 months, and yes it was bad back then.

On January, me and my family went to a far away place to watch some waterfalls. We had to walk a lot, and I mean A LOT. I remember feeling really tired and that the air was heavy, but I couldn't do anything really. Doctors said my heart should not have resisted the physical effort and I should've got a heart attack, but for some reason I didn't, and I just kept going.

Then, we skip all the way to 4 days before I got hospitalized, on March.

I was in gym class. We were doing some running from cone 1 to cone 2 and so on. We could take a break for a couple seconds after getting to cone 2 and then we should get back to cone 1. Gotta say, we also had other activities before that one, but I only remember this one honestly, but have that in mind because I was already tired from before.

It was my and other 4 childrens' turn to run to the cones. I, ofc, was the last one to get there, and I while running my stomach was hurting really bad because of my breathing. My sweat was cold and my lungs could not hold for much longer (or at least that's how it felt). I finally got to the cone. I usually would not lay down because I was embarrased to do it in front of my classmates, but I was so tired I didn't cared about that and just layed on the grass.

I close my eyes. I breath. I feel the warm sun hitting me and the noise surrounding me disappeared. All I could hear were the birds. I opened my eyes and saw them in the sky. I felt very calm, for once. It felt like I spent a lot of time just looking at the sky, but it really were just some seconds.

After I got hospitalized and I was saved (all while I was concious and awake), the doctor, red haired woman, came to me amd my mom, and told me with a straight face:

"I don't know how are you here. You did gymnastics on Thursday, your heart should had not be able to handle it"

I remembered that moment in gym class again. That would had been the perfect moment for me to die. Why I didn't die? Why my body refused to die? How? How it managed to survive without ANY iron for 4 months straight without even a symptom until the very end?

Funny, butt this reminds me of that line Mike says on Fnaf Sister Location:

"I should be dead, but i'm not"

I should be dead too, and now I have been trying to....end, what the anemia started. It's really hard rn, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

All I want is wake up in that place. The olace i've drew myself in before. Where the birds fly without a care. I want to be like those birds, but life isn't fair ig.

oh and about the drawings, if something shows up in the drawings that I didn't mentioned here it's probably because my emotions were drawing at that moment, like, idk how to explain it but I just draw it without too much thought?, it feels so weird

[newobsessioneveryweek]

Oo what is business as usual and sex, drugs, rock and roll 👀👀👀👀

I'm so glad you asked!

Here is an excerpt of Business As Usual for your viewing pleasure (unfortunately I haven't actually written anything for SD&RnR but I'll explain a little bit of what I'm thinking)

Excerpt start

“What are you reading?” came a sudden, soft voice. Loki turned to meet Hogun’s passive face. He was riding beside him. If he had been there the whole time Loki hadn’t noticed.

“Shapeshifting and Illusions,” he replied cooly, banishing the book to his pocket dimension. Hogun’s sudden interest was not unwelcome, just odd- his choosing to talk even odder. “Have you read it?” Loki asked dumbly. He would bet good money that no one in this group had ever glanced at let alone picked up a spell book, especially one that was meant to be locked away in Odin’s library, never to be seen or read.

“No,” Hogun said simply. He looked forward, wrinkling his nose at the conversation happening around them. Loki took note of the odd way he seemed both fond and exasperated. “But tell me about it. I doubt it’s worse than this,” he nudged his chin to where Thor and Volstagg continued to entertain Fandral with questions and comments while Sif listened disinterestedly.

Loki tried to quell a stab of disappointment. Of course, there was only personal gain to be thought of instead of genuine interest. But he indulged him nonetheless. “As the title so deftly put,” he deadpanned, “it’s a spell book on shapeshifting and illusions.”

“I gauged that,” Hogun said dryly. “Tell me more.”

What more was there to tell that he would be receptive to? “Well,” he thought, “contrary to popular belief, illusionary magic is intermediate at best, but often child’s play. I caught on to it quite quickly in my hundreds. However,” Loki paused, drawing in a tired breath, “shapeshifting is an advanced art, one that presents potential… complications if done incorrectly.”

Hogun hummed quietly. There was a beat of silence before he asked, “What would you deem advanced?” His head tilted a fraction as though he were actually intrigued.

“To put it in terms you would understand, it’s the equivalent of shooting a running target in the head from one hundred metres away on horseback.”

Hogun whistled lowly. “Have you ever tried?”

“Tried what?”

“Shapeshifting.”

Despite himself, Loki laughed. Hogun flinched but his expression remained impassive. “Yes,” he confessed, holding back a sudden tidal wave of emotion and the urge to end the conversation at its zenith.

“Why?” 

Why? Loki wanted to scream. He let the question marinate in the awkward silence it caused. He drew in a breath, held it, and exhaled at length. “Because desperate people do desperate things.”

Excerpt end

I might change some things about this wip. In my defense I wrote it months ago. But I hope it's got you hyped!

Here's a bonus because I couldn't resist! I can't keep it to myself🙈

Bonus!

“Curious,” he said, holding the bottle up to the light.

Loki rolled his eyes affectionately. “What is?”

“Red is my colour.”

“And?”

“Then by association, this potion must make you devilishly handsome like me. You could use some. I’ll buy it for you.”

“You’re an ass.”

“I would be offended if that wasn’t a lie.”

Bonus end!

Now, SD&RnR doesn't reeeaaallly have a plot rn. I just thought it would be neat to explore Apollo's past of "living life to the fullest" in a protective bubble of perfection and indifference. The title is meant to allude to impulsive grabs for satisfaction and surface level pleasure that doesn't really treat the deeper parts of one's longing and desire (such as that of wanting to be accepted and understood by your family for instance).

So yeah, that's the idea behind it. I haven't written a word but it's coming! Bet your autumn harvest it'll be here!

Thank you this ask and for letting me talk about my babies☺️💛 you rock!

[heychangbin]

15 questions to get to know me

Thanks for the tag @something-tofightfor

1. are you named after anyone?

Nope. First of my name in my family, my mom was tired of the same names being repeated in her family.

2. when was the last time you cried?

It's been a hot minute tbh. I'll probs be an uncontrollable sobbing mess in a couple months tho.

3. do you have kids?

Nope and I like it.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

Me?? Use sarcasm!??! NEVER!!

5. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

don't ask why, but eyes and shoulders.

6. what’s your eye colour?

Dark brown

7. scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies all day every day.

8. any special talents?

None that I can think of.

9. where were you born?

L.A.

10: what are your hobbies?

Drawing, writing, some scrapbooking, and collecting SKZ PC's

11. have you any pets?

8 dogs and 2 puppies...I know how this looks but I swear I am not a crazy dog lady. Candy and Bird got pregnant around the same time and had large litters, some puppies were given away and the rest stayed. I couldn't bring myself to send them to shelters, so I kept them and now I have 8 guard dogs.

12: what sports do you play/have you played?

Football, soccer, volleyball and a bit of baseball.

The only one I do enjoy tho is volleyball.

13: how tall are you?

5'5"

14. favourite subject in school?

English and Biology.

I'm kinda enjoying my statistics class rn but that's mostly cuz I'm stupid and am probably lacking vitamins.

15. dream job?

I'd like to design concept art for a video game. Or book covers. Not like find a pic on splashscreen and put some swirly loopy text over it on PS (no hate to people that do that/like it, its just not my style and in my opinion lack character) but like blank sheet of paper and drawing something that relates to the story (think OG HP scholastics book covers)

Music engineer/ producer. It's gonna sound stupid but I miss being a session musician, maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic for shit from betterish days.

Writer would be nice too, I've always been of the mindset of writing what I want to read so to be paid for stories I'd read over and over and over is kinda the dream.

[horseboneologist]

Tag game time!! Thank you @thebloker ! I'm blushing (◠‿◠✿) I've been thinking "the bloker seems super cool" from afar this whole time and here you are being friendly <3 <3

Here are some people I'd love to know better! Feel free to answer or ignore as you please, no pressure whatsoever! @pensivetense @kenanda @eldritchcatpossumamalgam @dathen @saintbleeding @losyanya @saltbright @lasalebete @tired-beholding-bitch

relationship status: Single on purpose tyvm

fave color: Pink. All pink all the time.

fave food: Not exactly a food on its own but I think my favorite has to be Lao Gan Ma (spicy chili crisp style) - it's a chinese sauce/topping that I put on EVERYTHING it's truly incredible

song stuck in head: C'mon Baby, Cry by Orville Peck. He's just. He's taking over my brain rn.

last thing googled: "How to draw water ripples," "hazing synonyms," "orville peck dance gif" (I refuse to be embarrassed about that last one)

dream trip: Japan! Beautiful nature! Amazing food! Huge cool cities!

last book read/currently reading: I'm slowly making my way through a book called Queer Sex by Juno Roche, where she interviews a bunch of trans and non-binary people about their experiences navigating sex and intimacy in the queer community, and talks about her own experiences as well. It's really lovely so far!

last book enjoyed: Probably Thirteen Storeys as well, I was going through TMA withdrawals and picking up another thing in Jonny's style was really delightful

last book hated: Oh boy I don't know if I remember - I'll drop a book pretty quickly if it's bad. Instead I'll give one with mixed feelings - Salem's Lot by Stephen King. The horror elements are very well done, prime King style, but it's an older book and imo there's some totally unaddressed sexism with the female love interest (zero personality aside from "woman," zero role in story aside from "love interest"), and honestly I couldn't stand the main character. Still worth a read though, it's genuinely pretty scary.

fave thing to cook/bake: Crepes. So tasty, so easy, so versatile

most niche dislike: Uy, I'm not sure entirely how to put it all into words, but I suppose something that riles me up on a pretty regular basis is how the course of technology is becoming less usable, more sleek & marketable. I held onto my old ipods and fixed them & used them until about 2 years ago, when they were finally worn down beyond repair (also: fuck apple and their proprietary repair manuals, istg). I now use basically a knockoff Zune 😔. But I think it's worthwhile to have a tool that's *just for its one purpose!* I don't want people calling me when I'm listening to music, I don't need a news feed on my laptop homescreen, I don't need a smart fridge! Gimme headphones with a cord so I don't have to charge them! Gimme a car I can fix myself! Give me a phone that has buttons! Yeesh!

opinion on the circus: I did ride an elephant at a Ringling Bros circus when I was little. It was like doing the splits, sitting on that thing's back. I hope she got to retire somewhere nice 😓

sense of direction: It's all about the cardinal directions baybee! Once I can get those down in a new city, I'm golden.

[azureaqua]

Also; storytime:

So, a couple of weeks ago I had to reboot my phone fully because of some technical mishap that I COMPLETELY caused for myself. ;)

I have this current phone for about two years now and the second I got it, I was excited for the fingerprint sensor in it. But to actively use that, I had to set up a general pin/password/or one of those drawing codes? Idk how to explain it properly but when you have 9 dots and you have to draw a (simple) symbol to unlock your phone. Ya, that one. And I had this type, besides the fingerprint sensor, because it was necessary. (Big brain!)

I usually unlocked my phone by my fingerprint but occasionally - like weekly or something - my phone would also ask for this other password of mine, this symbol drawing thing, probably so that I don't forget it eventually. And I have been using the exact same, pretty minimalistic code for years. But just recently I had this idea to change it up because why the heck not. And you know, I was trying new ones, but not in the settings or maybe on a separate sheet of paper - the actual way smart people would do it -, NO, I was trying my new code at the home page or smth, when unlocking my phone. And, well, one time it obviously kicked me out for 30 seconds, because I tried the wrong password so many times. And I was just vibing and all but when the 30 seconds ended and I was free to try again — suddenly my brain just had a shortcut, and suddenly I wasn't sure if I remember my original password. So yeah. Fast forward after an identity crisis, a lot of cursing and internally screaming I came to a conclusion and rather; the only solution that in order to unlock my phone again, I have to wipe all data, which includes the symbolic password that I've had to set up, in order to use the fingerprint sensor. Which is okay. I wasn't that hesitant because I knew I had my cloud and I could get my stuff back from there... But I wasn't sure when was the last time I saved my apps and my informations. But I really had no other choice because I was trying to crack MY OWN code for almost 2 hours and clearly there was no use. And by that time I was just hella tired internally and even physically. I swear I've never experienced such sweating, not even in P.E class.

So all in all, I did the deleting thing, rebooted my phone, did all the necessary beginning stuff - which was also a pain in the ass with either my Google or Mi/Xiaomi account -, and then came the other crucial part; to download the things from my cloud. My phone immediately found my latest cloud savings and I was pretty happy, because it seemed fresh, but when I tried to download it, it requested my symbolic password. I almost did a backflip, I was so annoyed lol.

In the end I still couldn't figure out my password, so I actually deleted that saving and went for an older one. I was really frustrated and angry at myself, because obviously it was all my fault in the end, but looking back, I actually didn't lost THAT much of my stuff. Yeah, I had to redownload a lot of apps, then log in into each of them, but they weren't lost, thanks mostly to my Google account haha. Only thing that got completely wiped was all of my downloaded music, but honestly that didn't even affect me that much. (Like, I would have been legit crying if I lose all my notes and pictures.) After that I just spent my entire weekend on trying to redownload the same songs. And I - weirdly enough - kind of succeeded, so even that wasn't a big problem.

But why am I telling this, other than to prevent others from being this stupid? Well, I had to redownload Ikesen as well. Aaaand guess who lost all of their progress? OOF. Yeah, data transfer, I know, and I wanted to do it back then, but I was always putting it off for some reason, like "It's not like I need it rn". If only I would have known, man.

Basically now, I did the basics, ACTUALLY SET UP THE DATA TRANSFER and started Keiji's route. I was in the middle of Hideyoshi's route before, but I don't really mind that lol, because I can always play whichever I want. But I do feel bad about my gold, grace and wardrobe, because damn, I had some really cool clothing pieces that I've gathered throughout the years... But I deserve it, I guess XD. (I've yet to try and see Ikevamp and Ikepri? Although I think I'm good with Ikevamp, but I'm not sure about Ikepri lol)

So, please, in conclusion, be smarter than I was. Just don't give yourself a headache and a stroke mixed with identity crisis, over something like this. Pls think twice before doing these and be cautious with these things!!

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

It's been awhile ~~ hope you're doing well ma dears☆

Mani is great, I feel wonderful, I am mentally at ballance, and it is a rarity tbh. I hate to say that it was because of guardians being tired lately, so it was quiet and minimal fights going on.

Before that, I was practically near exploding at everything and just wanted to drop it all.. I was so tired yet desperate to get one thing, for months; I needed to get dumb-bells, only to have spent its value on fam and net.

So this July was supposed to me just disappearing and adjusting to one hour net every couple of days to upload anything I drew and all, so I can get my frking dumb-bells. I'm so thankful to F I'm still here, and the precious hearts. I was ready, had my audio books downloaded, said possible bye on twitter and made sibs do the same with their games and everything. It took one day offline to force face smash the reminder why it was always 100% hell off it, ngl. I couldn't even think, guardians had no more distraction to keep them unfocused on us, I even couldn't save or move around my drawing files because it all relied on the Internet.

I'm so thankful I'm still here, I got to sleep for a week AND get my dumb-bells— look!!

Yes, Arms are killing me rn, even tho I thought yes I'll just start on the minium scale :'

It was tricky getting the protein tho, I got the cheapest one I could find and got myself shoes to disguise the purchase with. Cuz they didn't want to let me.  As luck would have it I found a cheap pair that looked like TINTINS shoes, I was thrilled tbh, so my plan was when it gets here I can act as if the big box was just for the shoes and what not, idk, it was stressful and you can never know with those shipping people.

And it sorta worked! I got the protein powder undetected! I love those shoes omg x'

Immediately I took a scoop, as if I never ever made anything kitchen worthy in my life or knew how prepare anything, I didn't even check the expiry date. I just popped it open, the first thing I thought I could just eat it to save up on the mess so you can imagine me coughing brown dust on my chest (I got chocolate flavour) and getting my mouth glued by the paste that formed in my mouth. It was fun, hehe

I took 1 scoop a day, been 2 days and thankfully my tummy didn't act weird afterwards,  hope it stays this way.

The purpose here is I want to get physically stronger, strong that I can carry my sib with one hand! And someday maybe pursue my wrestling dream..

More importantly, it's now come to me as a way to show my guardians that I am reliable and able to do it all. This concept is the only solution i can think of, to having any sort of progress with my guardians and my sibs in peaceful endearing manner. And having hope again revives me..

I'm so motivated and drawing away. I'm so proud that in this 10 days period I literally made so many animated gifs because I was in such a good mood, and ya know to me they r such a grave pain to make. I'm even recording my voice more frequently on tiktok and feeling it's building confidence

I'm want to work on longer versions projects and such, and try to provide before the month end and I need to pay for net again.

I don't know how to balance between doing commissions and doing projects, as, like that 15 sec long tintin vid, took me 14 days scattered between 2 months, I drew every tiny frame in between my breaks heh. I'll find a way, somehow.. I don't want to keep rambling on

Just—

I'm a calm Mani, and I'm content 🍀

Bless your days with joy and love, fortune and flourishing, ease of mind, body and soul 💛💛

10 pm, 10.7.2021

[chiyohsrifle]

Got tagged by the marvelous @hvnnigram and I can't wait to bare my soul to you guys. this is a long one, so let's go!!

Rules: Tag people you want to get to know better 🖤

Your name and then what you would've named yourself: My full name is Montserrat (I'm Mexican, in case you couldn't tell. Well Mexican-American but anywho) but I typically go by Montse. Mainly cuz people struggle to pronounce my full name hehe but I also just think it's less of a mouthful. Idk, I honestly really love my name and don't think I'd change it given the chance. Maybe something shorter just cuz paperwork can be a bitch. I like Rene but otherwise, I'm pretty attached to my name lol.

Astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): I'm a sun Pisces, a moon Aries, and a rising Virgo, I believe :)) All in all, I'm an emotional, empathetic bitch

When did you join Tumblr and why?: Was going through my emails yesterday and I've been here for a year?? apparently. So yea, I joined Aug./Nov. of 2019 and I'm almost certain it was cuz I wanted to see more Good Omens fanart lol. But I got more active this year cuz quarantine do be forcing me to have some wack coping mechanisms. Also BBC Merlin had me reeling and I needed somewhere to scream.

Top 5 fandoms: Hannibal (obviously), BBC Merlin, Killing Eve, Good Omens, and The Umbrella Academy 😊

Top 5 favorite films: (oh Lord, the cinema buff in me is Panicking rn) God, there's so many I love but I'll try to give varietyTM. But I'm a Cheerleader (1999), Parasite (2019), The Wind Rises (2013), Little Shop of Horrors (1986), and Hector and the Search for Happiness (2014).

Go to song when you wanna Feel something: if we're talking like emotionally charged, TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan always sends me reeling. Endorphins wise, Ahora Te Puedes Marchar by Luis Miguel always makes me wanna jump and move around. And La Vie Boheme from RENT, just pure serotonin

What's your religion or faith, if you have one?: I was raised with a heavy Catholic background but I'm agnostic, I believe is the term. Basically, I don't think there's not a God or higher power(s). I just don't align with anything specifically. But I do believe there's something running things, whether that be spirits, the stars, gods, etc. I can't say.

A song that makes you feel seen: Not to be a theatre kid on main but, Breathe from In The Heights. That song and whole musical hold such a special place in my heart, esp with Nina's character cuz I'm Nina. Every part of that song just Gets Me and i ugh, can't articulate it but yea, that song be me.

If you could pick a career: A writer or painter. Anything creative/artsy really cuz crafting is just so calming to me.

Do you have a type?: ngl, I'm kinda the 'falls in love with their best friend' stereotype but beyond that, not really. I kinda just see attractive people and mentally short circuit

What does your soul/heart yearn for?: Not to sound like a character from Hannibal, but to be understood. To be cared for and feel supported. To allow myself to rest and be comforted/loved. Just to feel safe ig. Whoop, that got personal, anywho

If you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: intelligent, caring, awkward, Very Queer, and chaotic

Favorite subject in school: English and History!! I think they're absolutely fascinating and I'm gay so obviously I connect way too much with literature

Where does your soul feel most at home at?: Close to someone that I love, in comfortable silence. Or any situation where I have wind blowing in my face, it's super comforting and idk why

Top 5 fictional characters: Rowena from SPN, Bella Crawford, Beverly Katz, Eve Polastri, and Jack Crawford

Top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry:

1. The ending of Your Lie In April. Idk if any of yall have experienced that, but let me know if you have cuz shared trauma. I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. Dry heaving and everything, it was Not Pretty

2. Like literally all of One Day At Time. I know, it's cheesy but that show means a lot to me and I get so emotional watching it cuz I connect to the characters so much. Anything with Elena makes me sob cuz like she's me but also my baby, ya know

3. Um Queer Eye in general but specifically the episode with the gay pastor. That hit close to home on so many levels and boy, was I sobbing the entire time.

(Before y'all ask, honorable mention to Mizumono, TWOTL, and the ending of BBC Merlin cuz I may have been too tired to cry, but trust me, I was emotionally wrecked after all three)

The earth, the sun, the moon, or the stars: Ooh, I'm gonna have to go with the stars but I love that lesbian space rock too

Favorite kind of weather: Thunderstorms, rain, cloudy, grey weather. Fall, I love the fall, give me autumn pleASE

Top 3 characters to kin you with: Guinevere Pendragon from BBC Merlin, Vanya Hargreeves from TUA, and Abigail Hobbs from Hannibal

Favorite medium of art: I love all art very much but I guess drawing and film especially

Introvert/Extrovert/Ambivert: Gonna say ambivert cuz I can be shy but buckle up, cuz the second I'm comfortable around you, it's absolute chaos. You will learn too much about me and that's okay 😌

Favorite literary quote: If poetry counts, it's something like "And if the devil was to ever see you, he'd kiss your eyes and repent". Idk who wrote it but it's an Arabic love poem. Actual book quote tho, "But I'm tired of coming out. All I ever do is come out. I try not to change, but I keep changing, in all these little ways." from Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda cuz damn me too.

Some of your favorite books: Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli, the Carry On series by Rainbow Rowell, When I Was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, All The Bright Places by Jennifer Lee, Autoboygraphy, and Copper Sun

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?: Europe or New York. No real specifics for Europe, defiently leaning more towards Western Europe and the Mediterranean cuz they just seem so pretty. And NY cuz I want a studio apartment hehe and also I adore NY. I went a couple years back and just fell in love. Although live is a loose term cuz I've always thought of moving around a lot. I like traveling and settling down isn't really convenient for that so these are kinda just ideals lol

If you could live in any time in history, when would it be?: Oh, defiently 60s/70s. Also, anytime matriarch societies were common cuz I wanna see what that looked like

If you could play any instrument masterfully, it would be: the acoustic guitar and piano. Maybe violin, but those two for sure

If you have one, which god or goddess do you feel more connected to?: I've always really vibed with Athena so her. But also Diyonuses cuz man's is the ideal.

And finally, your favorite recent selfie in your camera role:

(Excuse the eye bags and look in general, I was sleepy when I took it)

Whoo, that's all folks. I'm just gonna say that any of my followers/mutuals who want to do this, feel free to say I tagged you. Thanks for tag, once again, babe!!

[v-v-void]

That's where you draw the line? Not at shit talking either of them or their relationship but where you were a bad person

Touché. It's not to save my own back though.

If it's any consolation. We started talking because i couldn't let things go. I was going through a really rough time and all I wanted was to talk to my best friend. I called ciara with my number blocked a couple times. Yeah, I know. Quite pathetic. Twice I hung up immediately because the sound of their voice was just... a lot.. i wanted so badly to hear it and then I didn't know what to say. The last time they answered i responded and they told me to text them because they were at work. I messaged them off a texting app because my number was blocked. Which is when they eventually called me while I was at work. I don't remember if it was to figure out who I was because they were pretty sure the first time we spoke but we spoke on the phone for a bit. And it kinda started that way.

Should I have left things alone? Maybe.. but I also didn't want to because I missed my best friend and I didn't want to give up on that.. i still don't but im really tired of feeling expendable.

I was holding onto some hope that they'd tell lissa and maybe lissa would try and see me as a person and understand why I said what I had. Alas that isn't what happened and I got upset about it because in the end, I'm the one who looks like the ass still. Even though I'm trying to be genuine with my actions. Awful timing to cut someone off though.. with everything going on in Ciara's life rn.. idk.. i could've waited until things settled but I reacted poorly due to the circumstances.. kinda want to punch myself in the mouth but.. yeah...

[murderous-opossum]

hii I was gonna just leave a comment abt the spider but I couldn't I have too much too say and too much to ask

btw how r u I hope ur okay but if it not I drew u a spider (it's on theme) it won't help much but is cute I think (It kinda looks like a potato)

I'm gonna start w the story and then ask u the questions I want u don't have to reply to any actually (I'm not even sure ull see any of this but if I see this that spider is rly cute)

I'm sorry if is too long or doesn't make any sense my brain is dizzy

story: I don't remember how old I was but I once touched a spider I don't remember much but I think was rly cool was at a bug etc musium and they got us at a room full of butterflies they wouldn't let me out and that's why I'm now scared of them 😃 and also after they let all the ppl out they made us draw smtng and there was a snake there and I wanted to hug it but they didn't let me and everyone was scared if it except me c: (that's the short version btw coz I don't wanna bore u)

questions :

is that a spider :000 (ofc it is) it looks rly cool..is she urs..u said u have a lot of pets or something is it ur spider..r u where u work? do u have a job :000 is it bring ur pet at job day like how they do at cartoons (that's be rly fun I think having ppl bring their dogs or cats and u come w a spider) is it ur job at a pet store? if yes that's rly cool (I got offered to work at a pet store once when I went to get a fish coz I knew more stuff than them..the fish they had there looked rly sad and not properly taken care of.. i only know of fish stuff nothing else ) did I say that the spider is rly cute..u said lady spider, does she have a name..can u name spiders?if yes what her name? do u have pets ? I think u said u have ? what r they do they have names ? I have a fish if ur also wandering his name is fishsticks c:

also I'm gonna shut up now coz I think I'm repeating myself and I don't wanna tire u

I hope u have a great day or rest of the day or night or other time part of the day depending on where u live :)

did I say that the spider is cute (also u look nice accept it I'm trying TʌT)

OKAY IMMA ANSWER UR QUESTIONS I READ IT ALL YOU'RE PRECIOUS ILY. MY SWEET HUSBAND.

She is a striped knee tarantula (yes, spider)

She is not mine! She was at the store! Yes, I was at work!

No it was not bring your pet to work day, she was for sale! Yes I work at a specialty pet store (for now until I move to texas)

She did have a name! Her name was Aurora.

She got bought by a nice older lady who is a regular and has tons of pets!

I do! I have a cat, Named nugget. A bird Named Prince William Lockhart III. And a chameleon named Wilbur/Wilbie.

I will attach pics of my cat and chameleon idk if I have pics of my bird in my camera roll rn.

Also you're not annoying I love talking to you, even if its through asks you silly man! i adore you and your questions, spam me as often as you'd like I will never ignore you! I think I answered everything (doing so on mobile so if I missed one, tell me so I can fix it!

[itoshit]

Opening the door, I was met with Vee, laying on the bed. None of us talked, and as I noticed tears running down her face, I couldn't prevent the tight smile from showing up.

Hey Venus

I knew what I was doing. I knew Vee would be mad, but I also knew that I hadn't have any choice.

Your hair... you did it for me?

Yes I did

No I didn't. I just thought that I would be able to attract more chicks that way

You're funny Manji'

She cracked a smile at my reply, but I didn't reflect her expression.

Manjiro will do yeah? Look Venus.

Approaching her and sitting by her side, I turned to her, resuming my talk.

It was dumb of me. Everything really. I think... how could I put it. You're a nice girl, but I don't think you're a good match for me. I need my woman to be more courageous and less of a crybaby you know? So yeah, it was fun while it lasted, but I kinda grew tired of you. Not to be mean though, it happens every day. I don't want to waist more time on you, so as soon as you're healed, you can start your life again alright? Koko could help you with money, we'll buy you a new apartment.

Vee didn't seem to listen anymore, her eyes were on me, but she didn't look as if she was believing me.

You're lying

Guess I will have to be more convincing them. Passing a hand through my hair, I grinned at her.

Look Venus, the sex was good, but you're getting too attached. You even said to Kakucho that you liked me! Really? Baby I was keeping you around because I pitied you. To be honest, I wanna fuck other girls now.

I needed to hurt her. To make her let go of me.

Senju wanted to see me tonight so... yeah.

Vee started being more aggressive with me, explaining it by the request that I had for her to be mine and me to be hers. I knew all that, and of course I wanted us to be together. But it wouldn't work. Not with an angel like her.

Look Venus, don't be a bore yeah? Don't act like we were together or anything. I don't like you, I stayed because your pussy was good. End of the story! I need to get ready for my little date, so I'm gonna go now. So huh... have some rest yeah?

Patting her uninjured leg, I didn't wait for her to answer and I winked at her, exiting the room.

As the door was closing, I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

I was used to all that, but this time, I would make sure that the person I held close to my heart would stay alive, regardless of my feelings.

Sacrificing my happiness didn't look that bad if that meant for Vee to stay alive. Would I be able to see her with someone else? No. Did I even have a say in the matter? No.

-Mikey

I- I feel so bad rn??😭😭

And I hope you ate after !

OHHH OKAY MICHAEL!

I don’t like you. I pitied you. I don’t want to waste anymore time on you.

I knew he was lying. I knew every word he said to me was nothing more than fabricated bullshit he probably came up with on the drive here. There wasn’t any way somebody could fake the things we said to each other, the things we did. I knew that. So why was there a small part of me that was hurt? Who was contemplating the possibility that they were true. Of course it wasn’t… right?

I waited in that bed, saving my forgiveness for when he’d burst through the door five minutes later groveling at my feet, begging for mercy. I waited, despite the tears on my face that somehow knew he wasn’t. I waited and waited and waited. He never showed. That’s when I sobbed, big, heaving, blubbering ones. I sat there crying for what felt like forever, until I couldn’t even produce tears anymore. And then I got angry.

Pressing my nurse’s button, I ripped the IV out of my wrist and the other machines checking my vitals, watching blood trickle all along the sheets. I didn’t care about it. I couldn’t stay another second in this fucking place. If Mikey wanted nothing to do with me after I healed, then I’ll do him something better. The nurse ran in panicked, eyes wide. I watched her gape at the sheets, at the flatlining monitors and then at me. I didn’t even give her time to speak. I had already begun to stand.

I need to get out of here, I told her, lifting myself up from the bed.

She charged at me, trying to push my shoulders back down but I wouldn’t budge. What are you doing? Your wounds haven’t healed yet!

I repeated myself, but she was still panicking, going off about something I refused to care about. Irritated, I take the collar of her scrubs and yank, bringing her close to me. Listen to me, I need to get the fuck out of this building and if you don’t help me, I’m going to find a fire escape and do it that way. Or maybe I’ll jump out of the window, break my fucking neck. Can you live with knowing somebody died on your watch because you wouldn’t help them? Would you be able to stomach it?

The words coming out of my mouth were unrecognizable to me. I got petty with my friends and said shit I didn’t mean, but this was cruel and excessive. I guess this what Mikey was turning me into.

I let her go only after she nods her agreement, looking ready to burst into tears by the second. First, I’ll need a disguise. No matter what Mikey had just told me, I knew he wouldn’t let me out of his sight if he caught me doing this. And being trapped around Mikey was not going to fly. Fuck no. Where’s the clothes you came in wearing?

I-In my bag in our locker rooms, she stammered.

Bring them. I need to change.

She went out of the room and came back, bag in trembling hand. I dressed quickly and keeping my head down, I allowed her to sneak me straight out of the building and around the back where her car was parked. Then I asked her to drive me somewhere.

What? I can’t d—

Why not? I asked without caring to consider her feelings. The poor woman probably didn’t get paid enough for this. Is there anybody else Bonten gives a fuck about that requires you giving them medical attention?

N-no.

Good. I grinned. That means you’re off for the day. Now drive. You don’t have to worry about Mikey, this is what he wanted. A half truth considering he certainly wouldn’t have wanted me to be out of his life this quickly, but I skipped a few steps for my sanity and his life. If I had to be in his vicinity I probably would have killed him.

We got in the car and sped off, me giving her directions as soon as she started driving. I watched the building grow smaller and smaller in the rearview, doing my best to ignore the thudding in my heart. The pain. The stress of everything I had been through on top of this bullshit. My thigh throbbed dully in reminder beneath the bandage. Eventually, we arrived at the destination of my choice, and I was sure to thank her for everything she did. I couldn’t give her anything but gratitude. I didn’t have any money. My phone was still in that torture room where I left it, and all the shit Mikey bought me most likely didn’t survive in that collision that got me kidnapped in the first place. I was grateful for that last one. I needed no reminders of him.

I quickly hopped out of the car, hobbling toward the door of the place I had requested to go. The nurse, who’s name I realized I never asked for, pulled out of the yard before I even entered the door. Couldn’t say I blamed her. I pressed the ringer on the door, pushing on it when it buzzed open. Immediately the stench of animal hit me full force. The sound of dogs barking and cats meowing brought a smile to my face.

Then I heard him. Who’s at the d- His words got caught in his throat, most likely at the sight of me.

Hey, Dee. I had cried all my tears out for the day in that bed. I could only express my emotions in humor. The boss hasn’t fired me yet, right?

Then I started to fall, but he caught me just in time, sobbing my name into my neck. I hugged him back tightly, heart bursting for an entirely different reason now. I was safe. I was home.

Six months came and went in a blur. I spent most of it being interrogated by police and interviewers alike. I kept my stories the same. I didn’t know my kidnappers. I never saw their faces. I never knew why I was kidnapped. Despite the fact that I could draw a detailed picture of Mikey’s face in my sleep, I didn’t sell out Bonten. I had gotten into the last predicament by them thinking I was an enemy, I didn’t want to prove that I actually was one. And besides, I wanted nothing to do with him or atleast that was the story I was feeding myself.

I never saw Natalie again. I didn’t know what Mikey did with her, and I didn’t have it in me to care. My conversations with Angel and Tati stopped a bit after they realized that too. I was glad. I was starting to grow tired of pretending I missed the traitor, and they were tired of pretending like they didn’t resent me for being the one who made it out.

Darren and I were practically inseparable. He had become my right hand, driving me around to physical therapy, helping me assimilate back into society, and still managed to keep the last bit of normalcy I had before I left during work, cracking jokes as if nothing happened. From the outside looking in, it almost was as if nothing did happen, but you had to look closer. I couldn’t sleep at night. Nightmares plagued my dreams every waking day, either of Koda, Mikey’s men who had groped me, or Mikey himself. The only time I managed to sleep was on my lunch breaks, much to Darren’s dismay. But other than that? I was okay, doing what I loved again and surrounded by genuine people.

Now Darren was convinced that what I was missing was a social life. Just come out with me, Vee. It’s just drinks at a bar with a few of my friends. We’ll even leave before 11pm.

Because your bedtime is 10, I teased, laughing when he nudged me.

I’m serious, he whined. It won’t be awkward I promise they already know- He cut himself off.

Perhaps that was the most awkward part of all of this. Everybody knew me now as the girl who survived her ‘kidnapper’. Imagine what they’d think if I told them that technically he wasn’t my kidnapper. They’d probably faint if they found out I fucked him too.

It’s okay, Dee. I was all over the news. They’re bound to know.

Still, they’re not assholes. They won’t treat you any differently. I promise. And if you’re still uncomfortable we could leave and I’ll never bother you about this again for the rest of my life. Pretty please?

I mentally groaned. Darren could get annoying when he was pleading, and it wasn’t like I had anything else to do. My routine consisted of home, work, school, occasional grocery store, gym and repeat. Nothing else exciting.

Fine, I relented, trying not to smile at his loud whoops. But I’m leaving at 10 alright?

Alright, he cheered, hugging me. Let me text the guys right now! This is going to be awesome! You won’t regret this , Vee.

I sure hoped so.