#i just dont have any fresh food left and i struggle to cook

[moodr1ng]

me and the grand total of 7 euros and some change left in my bank account vs the empty fridge vs the 8 days left before payday

[americano-jowajowa]

✒ [ 2:56 ] Highly SUGGESTIVE || Lee Felix — wc: 1123

✒ w: Food play

Sweets, it was always sweets. Not a single meal in a day did you ever skip dessert, and it is all your pretty freckled-aussie boyfriend's fault. Thanks to him, you have developed a sweet tooth. He is always baking those amazing brownies, those delicious chocolate chip cookies, and he never fails to spoil you with them. You two often played in the kitchen, you being his sweet little gorgeous sous chef helping him with everything, the both of you joking around and having the best time in your lives. However, playing can also mean a whole nother thing, it all gets a little too naughty in the kitchen and it starts when one of you plays with the ingredients. Today, you and Felix decided to make some cream-filled donuts, it was his idea after last night's activities. You dont know how it got into his head during such an intimate session. He talked about that certain word, something that goes like "a pie filled with cream". He genuinely wondered if that really does exist because if it did, he planned to make one. Though the thing is, it doesnt exist, so going for the cream-filled donuts was his second option. If he was talking about you representing the pie and him being the pipe bag full of whipped cream, well, he has done that countless of times already, but we're talking about the legitimate dessert here. What were you thinking, reader?? Tsk.. Whatever it is, you're correct.

Now Felix was just in the kitchen, already doing the recipe for the extra bread. You, however, are fresh out of the shower and what's the thing you should always wear in the kitchen? Precisely, An apron. So you wore just that. Nothing else... You felt a little naughty today, wanting to tease him a bit through your entire baking session and to get him riled up faster, this was your headstart. You walked over to the island table where he was, a cheeky grin on your face as you resisted the excitement of seeing his reaction. He was whipping the cream, trying to get it into a certain consistency but it was still quite runny. To surprise him, you took his hand which was holding the whisk in yours, lifting it up so that you could lick the cream off. It looked like it was taking him a second to process everything, but actually he was instantly captivated at how sensually you licked that sweet substance off. Cream just slightly running on your tongue. His heart raced, you looked so pretty doing it, so cute that he almost wants to devour you. It took him a long moment until he snapped from his dirty thoughts when you giggled at him.

"You need my help?" You smiled at him, hugging his waist in your semi-naked form while looking up to him like a mischevious child. He blinked twice then realized your current state and what you're up to. He grinned to himself, the naughtiness inside him finally surfacing. "I could use some help from..down below." He gave you that funny flirty expression, wrapping his arms around you so his palms rested on your butt. He squished it, like his own personal stress ball. You know what he wants, but if you give it to him right now then where's the fun? You backed away from him and grabbed the bowl and whisk so you can take care of the whip cream. He definitely did not miss your teasing grin, especially not your tiny giggle. He let you stand a few feet away from him with the bowl in hand, a smirk lacing his features when he checked you up and down in satisfaction. As usual, Beautiful when you're naked. You're probably more delicious than any dessert, that's for sure.

He unconciously licked his lips, then noticed the spilled cream on his finger tips which gave him an idea. Walking towards you, he postioned himself against your back to kinda give you a hug with one arm. He rested his chin on your shoulder and watch your hands do their work on the food. "Hiyaaa babyyy~ Watcha doin' Babyyy~~??" He childishly says in one of those pitchy voice of his. It made you smile, it always does because your boyfriend is an adorable dork. "Whipping cream." You casually reply. Felix then lifted his sugar coated fingers up and dragged them across your neck, the coldness of it making you flinch away a little but Felix pulled you back onto him and he planted his lips on that spot. He sucked on the sweetness on your skin, being so sweer yet erotic about it both of you couldnt help but moan. He pulled your body against his, making him grind his crotch against your butt in such a manner. He even dipped his fingers into the bowl in front of you to pick up some more. Then as you began whimpering uderneath his touch, he just slathered the cream across your chest where the apron didnt cover.

Knowing Felix, he surely left that there so he can have an excuse to suck your breasts later. "My little sweet cheeks, you look so delicious right now. Wearing this cute apron without anything else." He said that near your ear in his deep voice, still sucking on the skin on your neck. His fingers still have those cream residue, and what better way to clean that up than let you suck it off him. He placed his fiingers against your lips, still grinding his crotch onto you. Without hesitation you slipped him into your mouth, sucking and licking on his fingers, just the way he absolutely loves it. Now everything was going so fast, moans and groans exchanged between the both of you. The kitchen was getting hot, it kinda feels like the temperature went up a bit and that's weird since it is the rain season. It's supposed to be cold... Now, before you two could dive in deeper into your session, it surely began to feel really hot... It even began to smoke. "Felix??" You called out to him, only to squeak when he did a particulary hard thrust with his clothed hips. "..Y-Yeah?" He was struggling to reply. "Did you start cooking some donuts??" Lets say all the blood drained from his face and he quickly rushed to save his first batch of donuts. Curses slipped from his mouth as he completely forgot how he started those before you even came it. Meanwhile, you laughed at your mess of a boyfriend, observing his frantic state as he rush to tend on those donuts. Your session may have been interrupted, but let me tell you, once he fixes his mess, he'd go straight back to you and forget about baking...

[sideblogformindtrash]

I understand that you’re busy and stuff so don’t rush to get this done, but I’d love to see more of Pastel being afraid of Orfeu. Maybe Farlan and Orfeu have weekly check up sessions just so Orfeu can make sure that Farlan is behaving himself? I can imagine every time Orfeu comes over, Pastel is fearful that that Master is going to let Orfeu use those sharp teeth and nails on him and BB.

apparently pastel is an angry boyo

kind of struggling between must protec BB and omg dont wanna be hurt :c

CW: Dehumanization; nsfw insinuation; pet whump; mentioned beating, tying, breaking fingers, collar; nightmare; biting; blood; orfeu just trying to be a gothic boi and Pastel overthinking;

Pastel knew very well what their Master bringing friends over meant for a pet. It marked an exhausting day, of trying to attend to the demands not only of your known, usual tormentor, but of many unknown faces that were often just as cruel as your Master, and often, enable and encouraged each other to be crueler.

This Master… Barely gave them any time to get used to the new home, before bringing guests over. He probably wanted to show off his new purchase – two little pets, from this famous Pet trainer… Pastel shivered. Their life here, no matter how lavish the apartment, would be one of misery, he could feel.

What he was not expecting is for BB to have already met that man before. Master’s friend, called Orfeu, who, to his horror, Master Farlan stated would likely pet-sit for them with some frequency.

“It’s Blue’s owner” BB smiled at him, whispering with excitement, as they waited on the floor “Master knows Blue’s owner!”

“Is he?” Pastel asked, shivering. Pastel wasn’t sure if it was worse to be babysat by someone who had previous experience with pets or not.

…When the man approached, Pastel wanted to run and hide. There was something… Off about him. Eyes that had a color a bit too green, a solid shade that did not belong on someone’s irises. He smelled… like fresh pine trees, with a vague, vague undertone of leaves rotting and moss growing… The smell of being lost on a dark forest. And his gaze was a fucking dead end. He stared through them, around them behind them. Everything but at them, searching the nothing as if there was something there.

Pastel wasn’t sure if he was being paranoid, or if somehow, all of this flew over BB’s head due to their excitement of meeting Blue’s owner! But there was no way BB missed the teeth, right?

Pastel’s dreams were often abstract and weird – and they were always terrible and frightening in their nosense – but among the usual chaos, he started to recognize that set of teeth and sharp, perfect nails.

He wondered what Master thought about it. It wasn’t normal, not even for humans, to have teeth like that. Master didn’t seem concerned, in fact, he was almost affectionate towards that man.

Pastel had long started to dread the day they would be left alone with him or Master would allow him to hurt them. He could almost envision that man on top of him, the chains and spikes of his clothes rubbing against his skin, his nails tracing red marks, and the teeth, drawing blood.

And worse, how would that man hurt BB? His BB who naively ran up to them every time they came to visit offering him that big smile and showers of questions that the man answered, patiently. He was entertained by BB, for now. But when he got tired, when he decided he wanted to cause them pain… Shit, how would BB feel? Would they feel like they were betrayed again? Pastel wasn’t sure how many more abandonments BB could go through. But maybe BB was expecting it to happen, too. Maybe they were just… trying to make the most out of their niceness, while they could.

And now it was that day.

There he was, on his scary tall boots, harness, a spiked collar… Was that a mockery? A human, wearing a decorative collar, to show then that it wasn’t their clothes, their living conditions, or anything that made then different: It was simply that humans and pets were different?

And all those leather straps… There were so many in his clothes, and it would be so easy for him to use that to tie them up, or beat them with it. Those boots – they could so easily crush fingers, or keep someone pinned down, or just hurt when throwing a kick…

Pastel could do nothing but shiver, standing near the sofa on the living room, as Master Farlan and Orfeu chatted at the door.

“W—why you s-so scared Pastel? W-will be okay” BB smiled, sitting by his side “…S-still nervous a-about him?”

“I don’t know how can you be so calm, BB” Pastel whispered, his eyes glued on Master’s friend “He gives me the creeps…”

“H-he is nice!” BB smile broadens.

“Just because he is Blue’s Master, that doesn’t make him nice”

…BB pouts, crossing their arms.

“I, I, BB knows! BB i-isn’t stupid…” and BB shows him their tongue “He is, is being nice with BB, a-always was”

“What if he isn’t? Master was here the other times, now we’ll be alone…”

“W-will be fine!” BB insisted “BB r-recognizes p-people who are nice!”

…And that was half true because BB thought everyone was nice so… Sometimes they would get it right. But at least… at least they were calm somehow. Having BB scared wouldn’t help, either.

…BB got their hand, squeezing it.

“W-w-will be o-okay. BB knows. P-please Pastel? C-calm down?”

Pastel sighed.

“I’ll… Try. I’ll be good. Of course I will” He always was. He knew the alternative. Play by their rules… And get used to always losing, anyways.

Well, they took a deep breath. Be good. Behave. It will be okay. You will survive. BB will survive.

As he approached them, BB immediately jumped on their feet, hugging his legs. He nearly lost balance, than chuckled, and ran his finger – nails, sharp, dark, painted with red spots to symbolize blood, blood he would get from them later… - through BB’s hair.

Then the man looked at him… And Pastel flinched. He wanted to be a good pet, behave well and not cause trouble… But he flinched just from a glance. And the man smiled at that. Oh, no. He was enjoying how afraid Pastel was. He felt… He felt like he would cry, the man looking at him like a predator at its prey…

“Hey there, Pastel”

...He tried to crawl closer, to swallow all of that and pretend he wasn’t terrified – he was ashamed of being scared like this. But he couldn’t. He trembled, his arms and legs trembled, his face was pale…

“It’s alright. You don’t have to come closer, if you don’t want to”

And that was a trap. If he didn’t do it, the man would punish him. What he wanted didn’t matter at all. But the next second, the man was distracted by BB again, who was pulling him to their bedroom to show a drawing they had made of Mr. Tonsils.

He breathed in relief as they left the living room. It felt like the place was safe again. He closed his eyes, enjoying that feeling while it lasted… But then he thought he couldn’t let alone with BB! What if… What if then he tried to hurt them? He cursed himself for being so stupid and scrambled after them, peeking from the doorway.

…Nothing was happening. BB was sat by his side on the bed, flipping the pages of the notebook Master had gifted them, pointing at their drawings and looking for the man’s approval… And Orfeu was just nodding, making small comments about the drawings and entertaining BB.

After that, the man went out for a few minutes and Pastel was terrified. BB came stand by their side, seeming cheerful.

“It, it’s o-okay, t-they went g-get food…”

“Are…Are you sure?” Pastel whispered, biting the inside of his cheeks. BB pulled him closer, clumsily petting his hair.

“Y-yes. He, he w-went get p-pizza f-for u-us b-b-ecause he can’t c-cook and Master is, is p-paying anyway…” BB chuckled.

“BB… His teeth… And… And the things he wearing…”

“T-t-they look c-c-ool d-don’t they?” BB tumbled their head to the side “BB would want t-to be like that if, if BB w-wasn’t B-b-blue’s copy already…”

“…You are not ‘Blue’s copy’. You are BB, you don’t have to-”

“N-not that now P-pastel…” They whimpered, pulling away from the hug “O-only Pizza”

“If… If it’s really pizza…”

…And well, to his surprise it actually was. And they actually got to eat more than scraps, while BB and Orfeu cuddled on the sofa and Pastel just… Sat nearby. Far enough that the man couldn’t suddenly grab him, but close enough that he would be able to do something if BB was in danger… At least he hoped so.

So the time he was truly scared of came. They went to sleep. And… Nothing happened then, too. Orfeu tucked BB in, whispered a soft ‘good night’ to Pastel and went to Master Farlan’s bedroom for the night.

…After he left, Pastel felt a bit safer. He crawled in bed by BB’s side, pulling them into a hug. They had a smug smile.

“…S-see? BB knows. N-nothing bad h-happened…”

…He agreed, a bit grumpy. Still, he dreamed of teeth and nails.

[kdramachitchat]

Hometown Cha Cha Cha Ep 7 - The love triangle (and the bromance too) officially starts and Dusik’s past is slowly unraveling. Hyejin’s role in Dusik’s heart becomes more prominent.

After Dusik’s almost accident, Sunghyun was introduced to the neighbors. Sunghyun introduced himself and informed them that he’s filming a new food variety show that’ll feature Gonjin. Dusik asked how they knew each other and Hyejin said that they both went to college. Hyejin also asked how they each other, Dusik said that they met on the street and that them knowing each other is based on lies. Haha.

He seem to be popular among the older neighbors and finally went to Dusik and Hyejin’s spot at the table, Hyejin tells him that he was also popular back then in college. They started talking about their friendship and said its been 10 years since they last seen each other. Dusik started to feel left out and interrupted the reunion asking for him to explain certain things. Things finally settled due to misunderstanding and they both introduced themselves. I see a bromance coming along, this would be a problem. Hyejin and Sunghyun started talking what they’ve been up to especially the dental clinic she opened up, Dusik inserts himself in the convo and tells Sunghyun that he found and renovated that place himself. He’s becoming a third-wheeler at this point poor Dusik. Sunghyun asked if that’s how the 2 met and Hyejin didn’t really tell him the truth. A neighbor was being nosy teasing both Hyejin and Sunghyun. Hyejin doesnt like to be teased especially if it’s far from the truth so she excused herself for a early night, Dusik tells her that it never was a problem and wants him to shut up.

Sunghyun wants to accompany her going home, while Dusik likely jealous decided to step out of the restaurant and accompanied Hyejin home. Sunghyun and Dusik want to hang out together then they all went to Dusik’s house instead. Hyejin tells Dusik not to discuss anything that happened that night.

Sunghyun decided to ask Dusik to be his tour guide in town. They drink, do bets and games with referencing on actor Kim Seonho’s 2D1N variety program (I honestly didnt get the reference as i dont watch his variety show). It was very chaotic and all of them went to sleep after.

The next day, Dusik is officially the guide for Sunghyun’s production team for sightseeing Gongjin and their next stop is Gam-ri’s house. Songhyun intends on making the house the main shooting location so he brings all the team to her house. Sunghyun is trying to convince Gamri and asked for her permission to borrow her house for 7 days. He falls for the authenticity and the warmth of the house. But sadly, Gamri doesnt allow him to and tells him that it won’t work, despite Sunghyun being so persistent. That’s probably why his shows are so successful because he gets what he wants. Him allowing Gamri to have the time to think and leave her alone, eventually will come back. He also cannot think and work well with a empty stomach. We see his work ethic here. Looks like he eats too when he gets stressed.  

Dusik brings Sunghyun and his team to Ms. Yeo’s restaurant. They try a fish dish which brings both Dusik and Sunghyun to utter bliss, describing the flavors they tasted like a food critic. They both agree on the flavors and their bromance especially over food is in full force. The fish they ate is a wild fish-fresh from the sea that cost 100,000 won in Seoul. Ok i admit this scene was really funny, they were so dramatic over describing the fish like it’s heaven to them. After their meal they meet Hyejin and left right after. Sunghyun and Hyejin continues to talk before leaving, Hyejin mentions Dusik’s fees and he offers Sunghyun to discuss about it.

Dusik notices she sounds different while talking with Sunghyun and later mimicking her way of speaking. After his tummy is happily fed, Sunghyun suggests the whole team go shopping to the market where Dusik struggles to keep up with Sunghyun’s energy and childlike behavior when it comes to shopping. Ok i giggled at this. Sunghyun is like a ball of energy and Dusik acts like an old man.

This is just an extra stop before they all go back to Gamri’s house as presents. Sunghyun will bribe her with these in order to win her heart. So he got a plan. Gamri is not falling for his tricks, smart woman but Sunghyun kept insisting that he’s doing this as a repayment for her kindness to her. He keeps coming back and continues to assist Gamri like helping her lift heavy things, cleaning, continues giving her gifts and even fixing her broken lamp. Looks like Gamri is starting to warm up to him. After his constant visits he stops, Gamri is starting to look for him wondering where he is which ultimately gives some time for her to think before she could make a decision.

Later on, Gamri calls her granddaughter who resides in America for her studies. She happily talks to her and asks her to come to Gongjin for a visit where she will cook all the dishes she likes to eat. Sad to say, her  granddaughter won’t be coming home this holiday since she will be spending the holiday in California with her friends. I don’t like how her granddaughter prefers her friends over family shows her unselfishness, compared to Gamri who is so kind to others. Gamri is shown to be lonely and i thank Dusik for being so kind to her like a grandson.

Meanwhile, Sunghyun suddenly appears at the gate of Gamri’s house bringing a delicious cake. It’s been 5 days since his last visit which makes Gamri sulk. Gamri then offers him to stay and have dinner but he says that he plans on having dinner with his friend who is June the boyband member that Juri likes.

Gamri offers to cook them a delicious dinner in return for the cakes and they all enjoy dinner together. June thanks Gamri and tells that he misses having homecooked meals. Sunghyun added that as a kpop idol member he never stopped working since he was young. A disadvantage being a idol. Gamri shows her warmth by giving a piece of meat to his rice–a small gesture of affection. Dusik gets jealous Hahaha and Gamri tells him he’s grown up. I cracked up. Juri is having the time of her life hanging out with her favorite kpop idol.

After the meal, Sunghyun continues to offer his help to Gamri like to wash the dishes. Hyejin volunteers but Sunghyun tells her not to because of her back problem due to her car accident back in the day. Dusik didnt know about her back problem. This is new information.

Gamri is completely happy at this point and she expresses her happiness. It’s been a while she had a big meal at her house. It’s the liveliest moment she had at her house. This really warmed my heart. Gamri should have more happy moments. Dusik visits Gamri and Gamri tells him that Sunghyun can film at her house. She wants to feel less lonely and Dusik tells her he’s happy as long as she is. They continue to drink their milk together.

The next day, Hyejjin wakes up with Sunghyun’s surprising delivery of food like her favorites. They talked to each other over the phone and Sunghyun is curious and wondered what has she been up to over the 10 years.

Sunghyun is happy to see her living comfortably and happy. He then promises to treat her a proper meal when he’s not that busy and Hyejin agrees. Looks like Dusik will be out of the picture for a while when Sunghyun is around.

Later in the day, Dusik and Sunghyun stops by Gamri’s house. Sunghyun looks around the house and Dusik tells him that he’s not allowed to change anything. He also tells Sunghyun that he should ask Gamri anything first if he intends to make the slightest change on her house. Any without permission he has to return the house to her and even the damages that may happen are discussed to be added in the contract, as well as Gamri’s pay. Sunghyun ask if Dusik knows baseball. Sunghyun says that good pitchers dont throw a ball when they can, they have their energy and control with their power. The player throws the ball at full speed during a crucial moment. Is that a hint on what’s yet to come? He said that he’s like that and doesn’t sweat or stress over small things. Sunghyun finally brings up to Dusik if Hyejin is seeing anyone. Dusik has that change of expression on his face, you can see him close to tears. Dusik was silent for a moment, then responded that she’s not seeing anyone. Sunghyun said that it’s a relief. Dusik looks to him with mixed and pained expressions. I sorta felt bad for him at that moment. Like shit someone’s in the way now. What to do?

During the epilogue, we see Dusik being down and Hyejin drops by with a happy mood. They’re completely polar in terms of mood. Hyejin continues to joke around without understanding the environment’s mood. Hyejin tries to carry him back to his house. Dusik continues to look so broken and with a pained tone he tells her to not go and leave him behind.

Dusik better be quick as someone else who’s fast as a baseball player ready to swing for his pitch. If he doesn’t make the move, Sunghyun will.

Thoughts

I like how this drama focused on Gamri and Sunghyun. We get to know them more with this episode. Also tbh with everyone. I do not like Seonho’s acting. I think Seonho when he's plain and the typical conversational scenes he's very weak but can improve. But i would like to point out when he does crying scenes that’s what he does best. He emoted Dusik’s heartache and pain very well at the epilogue, at that moment you would feel bad for him.

[oytetsu]

birthday mornings.

A/N: a birthday gift for @i-dont-live-in-a-cage​ :D

GENRE: fluffy fluff

CHARACTERS: iwaizumi hajime

WARNINGS: just fluff. pure fluff.

You could feel the morning sun coming through the window as the light sunbeams are hitting your nose oh so slightly. Lazily and not really ready to wake up, you open your eyes, hoping to see his still sleeping face right next to you. After you’ve realized the right side was empty, you turn your head to the other only finding this side being empty as well. Confusion builds up on your face since it was Sunday and your boyfriend had nowhere to be. No training. No other appointments. Today, it was all about you and him. A small sign left your mouth as you shove away the lightly duvet before one of your naked feet could feel the warmth of the soft carpet in front of his bed. A warm but also fresh breeze hits your bare legs, but that couldn’t stop that tiny smile which conjures up your face immediately. It’s always like that. Every time when the squashy material dances around your toes, you feel at home. But this wasn’t the only reason, to be fair. The fact that you slept in again. You always do, when you are staying over at his apartment, knowing he’s sleeping right next to you by hearing his little snores and feeling his arm around your features, bringing you closer to him. 

For another minute you just sit there with your eyes closed. Thoughts anywhere but not on your mind. You just enjoy the silence. Usually you are the first one who’d be up on Sundays. You both work a lot. He being a trainer for a young volleyball team and you working in the media field means times you spend together is something to value. Not only your jobs are taking many, many hours from your day, but also friends and family, of course. But somehow you make the struggle work and it’s definitely something not to take for granted. Your smile grew even wider after his sleepy features came to your mind. Only a few hours ago, right before both of you fell into a sleeping wonderland, he softly stroked your cheek with his thumps  - you still could feel his heat on your touched cheek. He moved closer to you, over and over again, giving you the most little cheeky pecks filled with words like you’re beautiful or I love you. On your nose, forehead, temple, cheeks and mouth.

You hear a loud noise and it brings you to open your eyes in confusion. Standing up from the bed, you search for a shirt to throw over before leaving the bedroom. Dressed in his school volleyball shirt, which was lying on a stool near the window, you stroll into the living- and kitchen area from his apartment, only to find him in front of the cooker. You fold your arms while you lean against the door frame, just for a little moment. He rarely stands in the kitchen, actually cooking something and to be honest, you don’t think he was the best cook, as well. Something, he sure was aware of. That’s the reason why you cook most of the time when he wasn’t getting any take out or prep food from the convenience store at the end of the street - which isn't the healthiest option for a sports man. After a minute or two you move from your position, only to reduce the gap between the both of you. He still hasn’t heard you which meant that he clearly was focused on something. After you reach him you slide your arms around his hips which makes him startle for a second. A wide smile appears on your face as your head lies against his bare back as per usual when you hug him from behind. You inhale deeply, taking in the whole moment. 

“You are awake”, Iwaizumi says quietly, still trying to do whatever he does in front of the cooker. You just nod. He clicks his tongue, “and I wanted to surprise you.” His words make you wonder. Being curious as you are naturally, you move, so that you could take a look from the side. You furrow your brows. “Pancakes?”, you ask as you moved more, so that you are now standing right next to him. “Pancakes”, he repeats your word, “these super fluffy ones, you know? I got the recipe from Kiyoko”, he told you honestly. You smile wider after you catch a glimpse of the ones which seemed to be abortive. “You sure about us getting breakfast?”, you ask him, pointing at the failed ones. “Uuuurgh”, he groans and hits your side with his hip. “I am trying, okay?”, he whines. A laugh leaves your mouth. “I know”, you say and lean in, tiptoeing to give him a little kiss on his cheek. “But why the effort? It’s not something you would usually do on a Sunday morning.” Which was true. He loved his Sundays off, sleeping in with you, cuddling, kissing  and not thinking about anything else besides you and him. He stops in his tracks before he turns his head to look directly at you, in total incredulity. You raise your eyebrows, not knowing why he looks at you like that. He signs as he shifts and is now standing right in front of you, only a little few inches away. “Because it’s your birthday, dummy”, he says, narrows his eyes and flips his middle finger a little too harshly against your forehead, “Can’t a boyfriend prepare a little surprise-birthday-breakfast for his girlfriend?” You are startled and for the first time this morning, you don’t know what to say - not that you both have spoken a lot, yet, but still, it’s something you definitely wouldn’t have in mind nor expected. A satisfied laugh leaves his lips. “But”, you start but are cut off as he reaches for the back of your neck, grips it and brings you to him only to lock his lips with yours into a heated kiss. 

“Happy Birthday, babe”, he says after he broke the kiss, but letting his forehead still rest on yours, looking directly into your eyes before he gives you another light kiss on the lips, then nose, lips again. The pancakes on the cooker totally forgotten. 

[babysizedfics]

I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

[thirsthourdemon]

What makes ‘us’ us.

Includes: Tendou x reader, platonic!shiratorizawa x reader

Genre: Monster!Au, fluff, angst if you want it to be, smut

Warning: Discrimination, sexual acts, mentioning of sexual scenes, mentions of prostitution, violence

Summary: When a mysterious girl appears before the shiratorizawa vbc claiming to be a monster it almost sounds like bullshit but as weird as it sounds they really were taking in a whole new member that seems out of the ordinary.

A/N: This was something I’ve wanted to try for a while. I love monsters btw HAHAHAHA If ya’ll haven’t noticed yet. Beasts, monsters, aliens. I love em. They’re just so cool! Anyways...Please enjoy because I cried a few times to finish this 😔

“King?” You stare blankly at the tall olive haired male. He appeared to be a king of some sort. His presence was so authoritative and commanding that it would be weird for him not to be a king. “Wakatoshi-kun? Who’s this~ oh ho ho~” The red haired monster??? It appears to be an Akao. A rare sight for an akao to talk to a human but you knew that you should take any chance you get. The red monster...Seemed to approach the human king??? They both stared at your shivering almost naked body. “I dont know. I just saw her beside the locker room” olive haired person responded, trying to stand up you walked up to the one with ruby hair. “A-a...re? Y...you...like me?” You tried reaching your hand out to him. However once your hand has collided with his skin your body had quickly shifted back to your original form. Big pointed ears, three eyes, ridiculously long hair with light peach like skin. They were both shocked and took a step back. “Huh?! I cant glow like that and get wings, right wakatoshi-kun?” The ‘wakatoshi’ king nodded and confused you cocked your head to the side.

“Y-you’re a monster! Like me!” You point out to the ruby head. “That’s enough” the ‘wakatoshi’ spoke up ,though the tone of his very much like a king to his subjects, and due to the fright you immediately turned back to your old ‘human’ like form. “What are you? Who are you and why have you come here? Answer us” his commanding voice made you fearful so quickly you provided the answers to his questions.

“I-Im...a...momoshi. A peach angel in the english language. We’re monsters and we are drawn to mate with other monsters called Akao. A red king. Y-You had a red king here so I...” You stare at the ruby boy again.

“A-a monster? Like in manga???” The suspected Akao speaks beside the human king. You couldn’t wait any longer! You had to get his seed before time run out. Even if you had to beg for it. “Oh great akao! Please! Please mate with me! My time will run out soon! I need to bear your seed!” “Haaa?!” He was confused as he looked back to the human king.

Oh of course! The human king was keeping the Akao! You had to ask permission first! “Magnificent human king! Please allow me to mate with your Akao! I promise to return him once I am filled with his seed!” Exclaiming excitedly. You were sure that he would agree however he was only showing you the human facial expression of confusion. The sound of human foot steps draw near, all you could do was hide behind the red king. “T-tendou-san, who is behind you?” Another tall human appears with a few others. One you’ve noticed seemed to be a prince?

“Prince tomu?” You came out of your hiding spot, barely clothed except a sheer piece of cloth to cover your south. “Oh~ Tsutomu! You know her?” The humans looked at him with anticipation for his answer however it seems like everyone was even more startled with you had quickly kissed the ‘prince’ with such minimal clothing on.

“I-I umm...I...I dont! I...ughhh...” The prince was almost as red as the akao’s hair but you did not understand that. Normally the princes and kings greeted that way?

Everyone was left with confusion, little to no answers, a very red tsutomu, a naked girl that was supposed to be a “monster” and boners from seeing the beautiful being who appeared out of no where.

—————————-

A few days of being taken in by the “Volleyball” team of shiratorizawa, and you had grown attacked to the ‘human king’ ushijima-san and your hoping-to-be red king mate tendou-san though he did offer the nickname tori you didnt want to seem rude to a red king. Tendou and everyone else in their “Volleyball” team kept on explaining to you that tendou was human but you knew an akao when you saw one. You were not easily fooled. Despite your ignorance to the information satori decided to let you stay with him at their dorm until you’re ready to go.

Letting you stay was just a step though. Their curiosity was so strong that subtly they had decided to study you.

Slowly enough they learned more about you through your movements.

You were really soft and you emitted a peach-summer scent whenever your body thought it was necessary. For example, you being all alone with tendou. This scent however was also an aphrodisiac as it was mostly emitted during mating but considering these people were more or less humans they didn’t really feel the way the air would seem warmer in these instances.

“Y/N” you cocked your head as tendou looked at you straight in the eye. “That’s your name for now. Y/N.” His highness said all the while they were getting ready to go to school.

They weren’t really surprised at your little habits anymore though.

You kissing them on their way out was still weird but

you had to explain to them that it was mandatory to greet kings that way! Them not wanting to offend you they just offered to be kissed like a peck instead. As you pecked both of them out carefully you took off the ‘clothes’ they lent you. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable here...

The beds were a bit tight due to you sleeping beside tendou.

The food was always ‘cooked’? What was ‘cooked’? Apparently it was putting the food on fire? It was such a weird concept. Why would you do that to fresh meat?! Meat is best eaten fresh in your opinion. You didn’t really like this place all that much due to how strange it was but you had to mate with that strange red king! Morphing into your natural form you start picking at your wings. Made of pure energy and hard like platinum. What time would they come back this time?

————————-

Waiting for them felt like forever, honestly. Closing your eyes and curling up on the floor you felt your forms glitch between each other.

Soon...if you didn’t mate thats all you would ever be...a defective. A glitch. A virus. The village would never take you back like that and this human world would only leave you to rot.

Momoshis were never appreciated in this world. Only used for the pleasures of man.

“I...have to...be worthy to s-sta...y...alive...” sleep talking tendou was figuring how to pick you up, your form was glitching. He’d seen in before but he would always be there to take care of it though. “You are worthy, Y/N...”

The ruby haired boy knew exactly what it felt like to be a monster too. Growing up almost everyone would regard him as one. The constant struggle of being so strong yet so weak everyday. Taking the perfect moment to kiss your lips to wake you up so you could transfer to the bed. He just whispered you some instructions and went to the bathroom to freshen himself up.

What he didnt expect when he came back was for you to be in your original form, teary eyed, wings drooping, your peach scent oozing from behind you and your trembling legs. “My king...please...” you pleaded feeling your instincts eat up all sense of rational thought you had.

Begging and grovelling. Your eyes turn into a certain shade of pink while your flustered cheeks inch towards the beautiful akao. “I-im...al...ready prepared...” quick to show your bare back and almost.

Key word: Almost. Almost showing him your dripping wet sex.

Foiling your plans however was credited to the human king, himself. He only stared and went straight to the bathroom. “Ehem~ Y/N, lets get you back on your feet yeah? You even took off your clothes again.” “I...I...just... need to be worthy please...” those cold teardrops travel down your pretty cheeks. Your sobs could be heard throughout the whole room and only a had to your back rubbing circles were used to make you feel safer.

“You are worthy. You’re a monster, thats easy for you. I was called a monster when I didn’t want to...” he pauses when you lift up your head, slowly morphing back to your human form.

“Humans are scarier” you tried to laugh through your nervousness.

“We are, aren’t we? But monsters are only monsters because we couldn’t understand you...Monsters aren’t all that scary once you get to know them, no?~” he looks at you with the same warmth he had the moment he asked if he could take you in. The same warmth that you feel whenever you fell asleep beside him. The same warmth when he talked to his friends.

“Platinum like wings, weird facial features, left handedness...those are what makes ‘us’ Us, Y/N” Ushijima butts in. Your eyelids heavy and body tired. They both hoist you up with their arms making sure to handle with care. As you lay on satori’s bed the two exchanged a look.

We have to protect them.

Taglist: @janellion @my-mass-hysteria @anianimol

[michaelreaderreblog]

My truemate pt12

AN: Sorry it has taken me so long to post the next part to this series. So here it is finally. If you need to catch up on the series or would like to start from the beginning I will post the links below.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN 

I think I was suppose to tag others to these parts but sorry I forgot who I was suppose to tag. Oh well the part is finally up. Thanks for being so patient with me 

***************************************************************

Word Count: 1,960

He had always wanted to make sure that you would like his mate and thats what made him even more accepting to the other person.

“Thanks, we are going into the city though for dinner. I wanted to make this extra special and she doesnt know that so dont tell her. You kids are going to be home by yourselves over the weekend. I ask both of you no partying, no staying out all night just because I wont be home doesnt mean either of you are allowed to wolf out” he says with a stern expression as he looks between you and Dean.

You simply roll your eyes at him while Dean does the same.

“Hey Im an angel, tell your rules to y/n” he says as he whips his towards you.

“Scouts honor” you reply sarcastically to Sam and Dean who chuckle

The rest of the evening is spent with conversations about the work day and how its like working at the city hall for Sam which doesnt sound so bad.

“Speaking of which, is it possible to get a hold of y/n's medical records without tipping off the good ol' people from the Government and Academy extremists?” Dean asks Sam as you clear the table to get the empty dishes into the sink for the wash tomorrow.

“Dean, y/n doesnt have medical records. You never took her to the hospital for anything” Sam replies while looking to Dean and knowing very well you dont have any.

“Not even about her shots or anything?” Dean asks looking to his younger brother

“No, those are sealed tight. After she presents is when she would be able to get one but since you never took her to the hospital. She has absolutely no medical history” Sam explains more as he looks to Dean

“Why do you want her medical information?” he asks while taking a gulp from his beer

“I thought I would ask since we moved here wasnt I suppose to notify her doctors back in Sioux Falls and transfer them here” he says while finishing off his beer as well.

“Oh no. No need. But if she were to be sick or seek out for suppressants then she would have a medical record” Sam tells him while making his way to the garage with the empty beer bottles.

You decided that you would do the dishes the next day and you placed the remaining food in containers for tomorrows lunch.

You also decided that you would get Sam's lunch ready for tomorrow since he didnt like to eat out so much. You looked into the fridge to make sure that there was spinach for his sandwich and to your surprise there is still some left.

You take out the pesto sauce to go along with the spread, you shredded the chicken to carefully place them on one side of the bread that were spread evenly with pesto sauce. You topped the chicken with cut tomatoes and mozzarella cheese, when you finally did that and placed the other slice of bread on top to finish it off. You placed his sandwich in a container.

“You dont need to clean up, I can do it” Sam says from the table as he watches you doing something with the containers and the remaining food.

“No thats fine, I got it. You keep talking to Dean about whatever you were talking about.” You said not turning to face your brothers.

“Y/n what are you doing?” Deans turn to ask as he watches you get one thing from one cupboard to another.

“Im just getting Sams lunch ready for tomorrow so that he doesnt need to rush to make it” You answer your brother still not turning around to meet his gaze.

“Really I can take care of that later” Sam says from the table.

“What about my lunch?” Dean asks as if he sounds so hurt like you forgot about him.

“Dont worry I got you, Im adding beef on yours along with the swiss cheese and honey mustard” you reassure Dean that you didnt forget about him and his deliveries.

“No grey poupon?” he asks randomly as you turn your head to his direction to give him a weird look.

“Really? Grey poupon?” Sam asks giving him the same reaction as you did.

“Popped into my head” Dean says as he shrugs his shoulders.

You shake your head as you keep making the sandwiches for your brothers.

When done you place each of them in containers and put them into the fridge.

While you also place the remaining food in there also.

“Alright you guys, I am done with your lunches and you’re all set for tomorrow” you tell them while turning away from the fridge.

“Thank you” they both say in unison

“You’re the greatest” Dean says while standing from the table and pushing in his chair.

“You really are” Sam says and does the same.

You and Dean decided to stay up a little late than usual as Sam went to bed. The both of you settled into the living room to watch a little tv.

Dean decided to watch the sports highlights from the evening games that he missed and you didnt have a problem with it.

Finally when you couldnt keep your eyes open anymore is when you decided to head to bed.

You told your brother goodnight and to sleep well himself he said the same thing back you.

You get into your bedroom and change into sleeping clothes and crawled into bed closed your eyes as the exhaustion took over and slept all through the night.

**

You were the one to rise early as your brothers were still a sleep in their bedrooms, you went down the stairs and into the kitchen.

You take out the grinded coffee to make a fresh pot of the morning and decided to make for breakfast.

You heard someone coming down the stairs but paid no attention as you were making pancakes.

“Good morning” Dean says with a groggy tone.

“Have a glass of water first before you take a cup of coffee” you tell him while you flip over the pancakes.

“Ok mom. Have any orders today?” he says as he fills his glass cup with water and takes a few gulps from it before making a cup of coffee.

“Yeah I have a few and I have one delivery but have no idea on how I am going to make that delivery though” you tell Dean as you take the pancakes from the pan and into Deans plate that had eggs and bacon on the side.

“What do you mean you have no idea how to deliver them? You have my baby to do that” he says looking to you as he takes a bite out of his bacon.

“You mean the very same baby Sam is going to take to work, like I said genius I dont know how I am going to make the delivery” you tell him as you take another set of pancakes from the pan and place them on Sam's plate that has a side of eggs and fruit.

You thought pretty soon you would just give him grape fruit for breakfast instead rather cooking him a full breakfast.

“Oh crap, I forgot. Well looks like we are gonna have to get you a car. I can go half and you can go half, how does that sound? And what kind of car do you want?” he gives you his proposition about the car he would generously go half with.

“I remember uncle Bobby used to talk about this Mustang um damn forgot what year he said it was. I remember seeing the car and getting inside of it and thinking one day I would love to own that car. Then Bobby ruined my day dream by telling me the customer is picking up his car and if I didnt get out he would sell me along with it inside.” you tell him as you smile and giggle at the memory.

Sam finally comes into the kitchen as he see his siblings talking over the counter.

“What are you giggling about Y/n? Morning guys” he says with a smile on his face as he makes his way for the cupboard to get himself a cup of coffee.

“Drink a glass of water first” Dean says as he follows his brothers movements around the kitchen.

“Ok dad. What were you two talking about anyways? Y/n is this plate mine or is it yours?” Sam asks as he looks at the plate on the counter before he takes it to the table.

“Yeah thats yours, Im just going to have a bowl of fruit along with the Greek yogurt” you tell Sam as you get the yogurt from the fridge and he sees you pour the contents into your bowl and he is pleased with the food choice.

“Look there is more bacon and eggs you can have that. I dont think that is going to keep you energized till lunch” Dean says as if he got offended you didnt want to have a perfectly good breakfast with the bacon and eggs.

You laugh at his generous thought but you simply decline and stick with your fruit and yogurt.

You heard someone parking outside in the drive way and you thought that one of your customers were way early than expected. Sam is on the move to get to work, as he steps out the door.

“Castiel, good morning c'mon in” Sam says as he opens the door for him to walk out.

“Morning Sam, thank you” he says as he enters into the house and removes his jacket along with his shoes

“Im in the kitchen Castiel, want some breakfast? Coffee? Tea?” you raise your voice from the kitchen and finally remembered that Dean was still in there with you.

You turn around to see how Dean was doing and he appeared to have it together.

“Yeah I could get you a plate of breakfast if you want, please sit relax.” Dean says while rushing around the kitchen as he tries to make Castiel comfortable

He enters into the kitchen with a smile on his face as he follows Deans movements around the kitchen and struggling to keep his cool.

“Good morning Y/n, Dean. I would love breakfast, I didnt have time to eat before I left the house. I rushed to wake early and came driving over as soon as I could” Castiel says while he pulls up the chair from the table and seats himself there.

Sam watches what Dean is doing and he smiles at the scene in front of him.

“Well Im off to work. Y/n have a good day, Dean try not to get into an accident today and good luck Castiel” he says and out the door he goes and enters inside the impala to drive to work.

You smile at Sam and couldnt wipe off the smile from your face as you watch Dean stumble around the kitchen.

“Dean, relax. You can go off to work now. I can handle everything from here” you tell him as he looks to you.

“Right work, I should be off now” he says while he gives you Castiel' plate of food and a cup of coffee.

He exits the kitchen only to come back and get his jacket along with the truck keys, gives a smile to the both of you.

“Later Y/n and Castiel” he smiles nervously.

“See you later Dean and thank you” Castiel says as he looks at Dean.

You see the interaction between the two and you couldnt be more proud of Dean for behaving.

[christianmenatwork]

No When-Then or Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda-Selah26-CMAW097

S = Something on My Heart

See 8/16 Pastor Adam Cook message from Union Church on the Power of saying Thanks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAcuskM-0nY.  I've spoken on this podcast before about the importance of being grateful to God about all of life but particularly as it relates to your heart while you're working.  I've talked about how work is a gift from God, how work is so important to God that it's the first thing he did after creating Adam and Even was to give them something to do. Work is inherently good and something we should be thankful for, and not just thankful for the money that it produces, though that should be part of what we're grateful for.  Pastor brought some fresh insight from his sermon that I wanted to pass along and add my own additional thoughts as well.  I'll provide a link for this sermon in the show notes.  First of all, Pastor Adam said that gratitude is not a one-time "Thank You" but a mindset and a way of seeing the world.  Probably the most often referenced scripture about giving thanks is 1 Thess 5:16-18, in the NIV version says "Rejoice alaways, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  One thing I like about this verse is that it specifically says being thankful is God's will.  I know I often struggle with wondering what God's will is for me and my life, and I think it's a good practice to particularly note verses that connect our actions to God's will.  Being grateful is one of those things that you dont' just hear about in the Christian world, people with all different belief systems talk about the power of having an attitude of gratitude.  You hear it in self help books, on motivational posters in the workplace, and on social media memes.  If you think about it, other than thanking another person for something they've done specifically, having an overall attitude of gratitude doesn't make a whole lot of sense unless you worship a God who has the abliity and has proven to have chosen to be a giver, a giver of all the good things in life.  Pastor Adam suggests 2 ways we can be grateful.  The first is to eliminate when/then thinking.  This is all about being present and being grateful for and appreciating and enjoying where we are right now, rather than longing for something that may happen in the future, or for something we had in the past.  It's easy for us to point fingers at the Children of Israel who complained about only having manna to eat int he wilderness and longing for when they were slaves in Egypt and had other food to eat.  The reality is I have been guilty of this type of thinking my whole adult life to different degrees and at different times, in my personal life and my professional life.  If I talked to my Mom when growing up about something that I should have done in the past or something that might have been, she would wisely respond "Oh shoulda-woulda-coulda".  With my own kids, I've more often tried to pass along in a similar situation the wise advice that they should do as Boston says and "Don't Look Back".  We can all think of things we don't like about our work.  That's easy.  What takes effort is to purposely focus on the good in our work. There's the income, of course, but there's also the feeling of satisfaction for a job well done, the opportunity to interact and collaborate with others on a common goal, the chance to sharpen our skills and get better, it provides a sense of purpose, and ig gives us unique opportunties to share our faith with others and to just love on them.  Psalm 118:24, in NKJV says "This is the day the Lord has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it".  As my Pastor said, we should thank God not just for what He did, but for what He is doing TODAY. In John 5:17, Jesus said "My Father has been working until now, and I have been working". The 2nd suggestion Pastor Adam had for being thankful was to be the one who circles back.  In Luke 17:15-18, after Jesus heals 10 lepers, "

15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, 16 and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks. And he was a Samaritan.

17 So Jesus answered and said, “Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine? 18 Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?”  I did one thing right this past year in this regard.  After finishing a project, I sent out an email to each of the contractors who had done work on the project and thanked them for the work they had done.  Sure, they had gotten paid for their work, and sure not everything went exactly as planned and mistakes were made, but I could not have completed the project without and I wanted to take the time to specifically thank them. Someone once said to me that it's a good idea to email a thank you after someone does something for you at work.  In my Handy Tips section I've been talking about how to be more effective with the use of email, and a big part of that is not sending out too many emails.  I think this is one exception, and its worth noting that you don't have to use email to say thanks you can pick up the phone.  If someone regularly does helpful things for you as part of their job, you may want to occasionally thank them rather than every time they do something, and when you do so try to be specific about the work they do, noting anything that is unique about what they do and how they do it.  When I sent the email to my contractors I didn't just thank them, for each of them I pointed out specific things they did that made a difference.  The great thing about circling back is that it will likely make a big impact on others, because most people, like the 9 ungrateful lepers, don't do this. A few final thoughts on this issue.  First, Pastor Adam said that every blessing in life that is not turned into praise is turned into pride.  We could spend multiple Selah episodes talking about the danger pride and the scripture that demonstrates that Gods hates it when we're prideful.  I think this point is a powerful motivator for us being thankful.  Yes, being thankful is the right thing to do and will produce great fruit in our lives and the lives of others, but if we dont' do it, it can and will lead to pride will create destruction and should be avoided at all cost.  Another thought I have is while we're focusing on being thankful for our work and thankful to our co-workers, remember at the end of your work day to be thankful to your wife.  There's a temptation to bring our best selves to the workplace and then only bring our frustrations and judgmental attitude to our wife and kids.  Whether she's out in the marketplace working or a stay-at-home Mom, our wives deserve our thanks every day and in a way that's meaningful to them.  For my final thought, I heard a song by Jeremy Camp called Keep Me in the Moment on the radio today on my way home from church and I'd like to read some of the lyrics from that song. 

I've been thinking 'bout time and where does it go How can I stop my life from passing me by, I don't know I've been thinking 'bout family and how it's going so fast Will I wake up one morning just wishing that I could go back?

I've been thinking 'bout lately, maybe I can make a change and let you change me So, with all of my heart this is my prayer

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment Help me live with my eyes wide open 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me

Singing oh Lord, show me what matters Throw away what I'm chasing after 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

Keep me in the moment Oh, keep me in the moment Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (oh)

When I wake up in the morning Lord, search my heart Don't let me stray I just wanna stay where you are

All I got is one shot, one try One go around in this beautiful life Nothing is wasted when everything's placed in your hands

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment Help me live with my eyes wide open 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

Singing oh Lord, show me what matters Throw away what I'm chasing after 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

Keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Lord keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me

I've been thinking about heaven And the promise you hold So, it's all eyes on you Until the day you call me home

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment Help me live with my eyes wide open 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (I don't wanna miss, I don't wanna miss)

Singing oh Lord, show me what matters Throw away what I'm chasing after (oh) 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (yeah)

Keep me in the moment Oh, keep me in the moment Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me

Keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Oh, keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

  E=Example of Faith at work

  2 men From episode 096, when Leighton Ford was age 14, his mother left for a while and during that summer Leighton was lonely but went to a Bible Conference put on by a local business man.  A speaker talked about praying out loud from the Psalms and this was a turning point for Leighton. He felt God knew and understood that teenage boy.

When Leighton was 14 yrs old a man named Evan Hedley, came to his hometown to start "Youth for Christ" there and Leighton was appointed to be president.  Evan was a business man who had been in insurance.  He wasn't a preacher but he was an organizer and a mentor.  Evan lived to age 90 and 60 men including Leighton who had been mentored by Evan came to his funeral.

  L=Logos = Work verse

  “Imprint these words of mine on your hearts and minds, bind them as a sign on your hands, and let them be a symbol on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your city gates. Deuteronomy 11:18-20 - CSB

  A = Announcement

  “"The Classic Christian Rock podcast by WildMan & Steve encompasses all a Christian Music fan would want in a podcast. They interview Christian Rock artists twice a month- those from the past and the musicians who are rocking for Christ today. On the same podcast is a weekly radio show called Metal Talk where you will here great talk about politics, current events and faith- all while listening to great Metal music. Subscribe to their podcast today where ever you get your podcasts, find out more at WildManandsteve.com"”

  H=Handy tip to increase productivity and effectiveness 

Pretend CC doesn't exist, thing long and hard about who you're sending your email to.  Why is each and every person on there.  There should be a reason you can explain.  I do use the CC but I'm trying not to use the CC.  It's used to keep people informed, to cover our butt by making sure those cc'd know that we've done something, sometimes used to get someone in trouble or to point out to someone what someone is or is not doing. We can very easily damage relationships and trust using the CC the wrong way.  Another danger of using CC is if the email turns into a back and forth, some higher upper people that you just wanted to keep informed end up being dragged through a bunch of back and forth emails that you may not be able to stop or control.

  Check out this episode!

[cassoroll]

Are you broke and need advice on how to cook and eat on the cheap? I use to be super broke and working 60 hours a week just like you guys. Now I'm only mostly broke and working 50 hours a week 10 years really makes a difference. These are some tips to help you get by when times are tough.

First tip is avoid meat, I'm not vegetarian and I've never been by choice but I was an economic vegetarian for about 6 months during one of my tight spells. Beans and eggs have a ton more bang for your buck when it comes to protein. When you do buy meat get chicken and turkey, when turkey goes on sale around holidays you can get a ton of meat for not much money. Cook it piece it out and freeze any leftovers you don't use within 3 days of cooking.

Tip 2 eat lots of rice. There is a reason that rice is one of the staples in diets across the world. Its cheap and filling, at this point I'm not going to steer you to any particular type brown had more fiber but if you only like white right now whats important is you eat it. Combine rice with beans and have an apple as a side.

Tip 3 you are going to be eating left overs a lot. If you are like me you would go to work at 7 am and get home at 6 pm or later starving and beat. Even if your days aren't that long and your tired thats all good too because this tip will help you too. Make a dish you can vary a little every day. I would do a huge pot of beans and rice on Sunday and then Monday through Friday I'd add a few different ingredients to keep it interesting. One day I'd add soy sauce and a fried egg and another id add some seasoned turkey i pulled from the freezer and chilli powder.

Tip 4 don't skip breakfast. I know its tempting to skip meals when you are broke because the less you eat the less you spend. This is bad for your body and will make you binge come dinner time. Small meals all day can help you stay in control and spend less money in the long run. Pancakes from scratch are cheap and so is plain oatmeal.

Tip 6 look at traditional ethnic foods. Whatever you are look up ethnic foods from your culture and if you dont know your family history your a part of my family now. if you want my pasta recipe that will feed a family of 4 for 4 days let me know and I'll give it to you.

Tip 7 look in into local food banks or gardeners clubs. Year around food banks will help you if your down on your luck and during the summer many many gardeners have more fruits and veggies then they know what to do with and will give you fresh organic fruits and veggies for free.

Tip 8 for Christmas and birthdays and friends and coworkers for pantry staples (tomato sauce, pasta, beans, rice) many times they will get you a comically large amount because they think the whole thing is a joke but the jokes on them because that 25 pound bag of jasmine rice from Costco will feed you for weeks

Tip 9 is dont buy fruits and veggies in bulk. Some fruits and veggies to avoid are lettuce, tomatoes and bananas they go bad quickly and its going to be hard to eat a large quantity before they expire. For leefy greens turnip greens and kale stay fresh for way longer and are packed with good stuff to power you so you can cry yourself to sleep because you gotta work again tomorrow. Like who the fuck decided that we gotta work so much to scrape by this is insane. Apples and oranges last a long time and I'm not talking cuties I'm talking about naval oranges.

Tip 10 is dont feel ashamed if you splurge. If you buy 3 avocados and some fancy ass bread to eat avocado toast thats awesome that you can do that for yourself. If you buy cake mix and frosting to make your friend a birthday cake I'm proud of you for being so considerate. And if you eat a half a pint of ice cream in a sitting thing of all that nutritious delicious cream you took in thats fuel for your system. I might update this if people actually want more tips because its hard to really dig into this on a quick text post. I have more recipes now than I did when I was struggling and I'm better at meal prepping. You don't need to figure it out alone because we've all been there.

[calvinlepesh]

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.

[slowlifeaway]

Look who’s bored (again) and decided to do random questions: Random questions by questionlisting @ tumblr

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick lol, my oversensitive teeth cant bear cold 

2. What is home to you? where im feeling myself best

3. What was the last lie you told? i was busy this weekend

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? i guess?

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? furby lmao

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. actually scolded my friend for eating too much cos her size was reaching XL and i was pretty sure i made her feel bad 

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) wha?

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? cant remember :/ thats how stagnant my life/work life is

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? 1 probably. I love sleeping.

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? soft gesture.

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? 1

12. What is your paradise? where i can no longer worry about anything

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) i love asmr! and sound of cafe (glass clinking, people murmuring, keyboard tapping sounds)

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? 3? and a lot more if it involves my family.

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? they made human lives easier

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? cos they are attractive, yeah i do.

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? pestering me about something im not comfortable with

18. Do you overexaggerate? yes lmao

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? flute

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? sometimes, if i feel good enough to put makeup

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? i kinda made money more than my peers, my individuality, and my ability to remember songs/lyrics/melodies

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? if you practice, you’ll get better

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? no. i cant even held my life together

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? good food and a reaaaaaly long nap

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? oh i do that everyday

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? 85% introvert

27. What constitutes a good friend? being able to put up with me is good enough

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? one best friend

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? bad news?

30. What is your dream job? bakery, florist, idek i have many lol

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? lazy but smart

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? i dated lmao

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? how does it feel when you have to hide your arousal in public AHAHAHA

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? kingdom hearts’ twilight town

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. those that feel superior to you and ignore you when you care

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? i’ll find where my original body is

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? i’d memorise, burn and then sell fake recipe.

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? cooking class

39. Name the last book you read. Lagom: The Swedish Art of Balanced Living

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? yeah totally

41. When was the last time you made the first move? long long time ago

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? i dont enjoy them

43. What was the last movie you watched? MI6

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? yeah i do

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? depends on my mood

46. When was the last time you cried? like..an hour ago when i watch youtube lol

47. What are you scared of? not being able to live up my parents expectation

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? being awkward in front of old and new friend 

49. What are some of your hobbies? sleeping, reading, swimming

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? im lazy

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i care. i listen, but im very bad at giving advice.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? idek man

53. What have you learned the hard way? life isnt as great as what i’ve imagined

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? be yourself

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) i sing a lot, and draw a lot

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? mix of both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? save money lol

58. What is your ideal meal? fresh and savoury

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? breaking up on the spot

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? dog is my fav animal ever

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? overloading employee with works or design revision is illegal after 5 revisions LOL

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? yeeeee

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? MEMES, definitely memes.

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? Kingdom Hearts

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? it’s too much

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? no. 9:20 AM

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? A Cinderella Story, Sora

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? countryside pls

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? near the ocean

70. What are the best things about winter? christmas is coming

71. What scares you most about the future? career and me settling down

72. What makes you feel old? when all the youngsters enter workforce

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average?  almost 12 hours it actually scares me

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions?  lose weight hahahaha

75. What is your life story in 6 words? emotional introvert struggles with meme-filled life

76. Describe yourself in one word. average

77. What bad habits do you do? overthinking

78. What genre of music do you listen to? pop, classical, country, soft rock

79. Most prominent childhood memory? first time going to a movie

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? life probably easier lol, but i will never change my brother though. 

81. Spirit animal? raccoon

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? yes?

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? i dont remember, perhaps it sucks so much it doesnt have existence in my memory

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. my parents, my friends, my grandma

85. Favorite memory of your family. travelling together

86. What do you look for in a relationship? someone i can open up to

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? melodee morita, marzia, all these amazing ladies that is doing great things in life

88. What is your opinion on social media? neat

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? 50% 50%

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? designer anything

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? being stalked inside subway until my stop

92. What superpower would ruin the world? nuclear anything

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? makeup and girly things ahahah!

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? this question is tiring for me hahahha

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? sweden

96. How do you approach people? talk to them

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? important

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? play with neighbour, sending letters

99. What languages can you speak? indonesian, english, very basic chinese and very limited japanese, and im trying to learn swedish

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? i hope better than today

101. What do you do on your lazy days? sleeping

102. What ended your last relationship? we both ignore each other when i left for college

103. Favorite food? currently: jjangmyeon

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? someone i love dearly passed away

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? idek, i have no feelings hahahaa

106. What was the last friendship you broke? junior high

107. Do you have any pet peeves? none

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? my friend

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? last week

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? cowardice 

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? my friend who is younger but more mature than me

112. What is your biggest motivation? my family, 

113. What did you want to be when you were little? just a normal person with a very happy life lol

114. What are some things that you are good at? typography?

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? motion graphics, socializing

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? feels haha

117. How important is privacy to you? VERY

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? no idea

119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? hmmm

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? any fun stories

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? people licking back their spit lol

122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone?  i never tried this

123. What is your morning routine? wake, bath, skincare, work

124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? i resigned hoho

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? i hope it helps me

126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" i do this all the time this is why im single af now

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? you can hurt people, but you’re honest

128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? ?

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? they’re much more mature than me and capable of things more than me

131. What do you admire most about your family? we are cold to each other but we still care lol

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" great motto?

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? listening

134. When is it time to end a friendship? if one of you have crossed the boundaries

135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? sorry my family is in town so i cant go lol

136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? cooking?

137. What are your favorite baby names? Namine & Nerine

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? last week

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? mobile phones!

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. voice & overly large muscles hahaha

141. Biggest disappointment. myself

142. Do you have any self-restraint? surprisingly well.

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? last week

144. Prized possession(s)? anything my favourite people gave me

145. What is your opinion on second chances? depends

146. Text or call? TEXT!

147. What do you like about the 21st century? convenient and safe

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? why are u like this

149. How organized are you? i can be ocd or messy, depends on my mood

150. Favorite mode of transportation. bus

[hoorayfornicepeople-blog]

February 26, 2018

Where to begin? Probably with a deep breath. Two months from today, I will be on a plane back to the States, which means I have reached the half way point. Time certainly doesn’t slow down. Today I went to the immigration office in Kampala to swap my tourist visa out for a student visa, symbolic of some sort of greater permanence, of this becoming a kind of home and less of a quick stop along the way.

This week is probably also the busiest week of the semester so far (or so it feels). Last week was spring break, which I spent on my rural homestay, with a family in Soroti, in the Serere district of Northern Uganda. We left last Friday on the 16th and returned just last night (Sunday). The week left me with an awful lot to process through, which made jumping into this busy week quite challenging. Today, I struggled to balance the need to prioritize processing, with some of the pressing academic tasks that needed to be done. This has been a consistent thread this semester, but it felt particularly heightened today. I spent the week totally unplugged from technology and the rest of the world and reentry last night brought me 169 new emails and zero desire to read any of them. The emotional energy required to talk with people and explain my week to them proved difficult to find. Many of you have already responded to my inability to explain with understanding and grace.

Tonight, in an attempt to sort through the emails remaining unread from last night, I read the notes from the first La Vida training, which happened last week while I was away. (Update in case I haven’t told you— headed to the Adirondack’s to Sherpa in August!!) Per usual with God’s timing, the “devo thought” from the training was so poignant and relevant to my inner dialogue that I could have cried. It was taken from Elton Trueblood:

“The man who supposes that he has no time to pray or to reflect, because of social tasks which are urgent and numerous, will soon find that he has become fundamentally unproductive, because he will have separated his life from his roots….A man has made a step toward a genuine maturity when he realizes that, though he ought to perform kind and just acts, the greatest gift he can give others consist in being a radiant and encouraging person. What we are is more significant in the long run, than what we do. It is impossible for a man to give what he does not have.”

Yesterday, Will had reminded me to give myself permission to prioritize my mental, emotional, spiritual health/need for processing and reflection, even if that meant temporarily setting aside an assignment or other academic task. You know me enough to know that this advice is a tough pill for me to swallow, even though I know it’s true. Today, it was abundantly clear to me that lack of processing, even briefly, was leaving me “fundamentally unproductive,” no matter how much I tried to discipline myself. And so here I am, engaging in one of the most cathartic exercises I’ve ever known, writing. As usual, I am grateful for your willingness to sit patiently and listen while I attempt to sort through the richness of this experience and put it into words.

Spring Break 2k18… last year during spring break there was a giant blizzard. This year, in Sortoti, the average weekly temperature was somewhere around 100 degrees (not even hyperbolizing here). I went into the week expecting I would sleep in a hut, slaughter a chicken, carry water on my head, and milk a cow. I did none of the above. There’s a lesson on perception and expectations in there. When I was dropped off on Saturday, my host mama matter-of-factly informed me— “This week, it will be too hot for activities, but we will prepare food, eat, and sit.” That turned out to be an incredibly accurate synopsis of the week. In addition to the heat, we are currently on the tail end of dry season, which contributed to the lack of activity, since my host parents primarily farm. The third and final factor that shaped the level of activity of the week was that both of my host parents are in their 70s,  incredibly strong and fit, but still doing less physically demanding work at this stage of life.

However, here are some things that I did get to do:

Bucket bathed… a lot

Drank 4,000 Nalgenes a day (don’t worry Mom, I stayed hydrated)

Rested

Star gazed

Ate food

Went to church

Visited the village center

Learned to remove the internal organs of a chicken prior to cooking it

Washed dishes

Did laundry

Drank tea

Swept and mopped the house

Learned to cook a lot of things in the outdoor kitchen— posho, lots of different kinds of potatoes, soup, greens, millet/potato/sorghum bread…

Constructed an underground oven and cooked sweet potatoes in it

Rested

Read 600+ pages (spread between three books)

Sat in silence

Listened to the radio

Beat, winnowed, and separated millet

Rested

Ate more food

Visited the neighbors

Sewed pillowcases

Shelled G-nuts

Picked, cut, and ate jackfruit

Spent too much time in the pit latrine after eating jackfruit

Watched thunderstorms from the porch (It rained four nights in a row. Before leaving for the week, Eddie told us the mzungus always bring the rain to Soroti. I thought it was a crazy superstition, but it turned out to be absolutely right.)

Drank more tea

Rested

Picked and ate fresh oranges

My mama’s favorite phrase was “you go rest now,” since my room was like an oven during the day, this usually meant finding the shadiest spot and reading my book or journaling, rather than taking a nap. In combination with the amount of time I already spent sitting in silence with my host parents, or by myself in between other activities, this was wild. Before leaving, I asked people to pray for my ability to be present. God responded by providing opportunities to be present in excess. Retrospectively, the time that I had this week to reflect, contemplate, learn, and rest was truly valuable, but my impatience made it difficult to recognize in the moment. I experienced a week of simplicity, with little urgency. A culture not enslaved to clock time or schedules, but guided by the needs of the present moment, subsistence, and the daily rhythm of the earth. It was simultaneously one of the most challenging, defining, and enriching (still convincing myself of the last part) parts of the week.

The week included some of my most challenging experiences in communicating cross-culturally– navigating difficult conversations, pushing myself not to be dismissive of a differences of opinion rooted in cultural conditioning, doing my best to practice humility and openness, and learning that I have an accent that is at times hard to understand. This is something I still need to unpack, but you can ask me about it if you’re curious.

Much of what I learned this week came through lots of observation and listening. I learned a lot about the historical and current politics of Northern Uganda and it’s rocky relationship with President Museveni, who punishes the region by withholding government resources or using discriminatory policies, because of the imbalance of power based in tribal/ethnic divisions. I learned about theology, community, he education system, marriage, death, parenting, family, environment, land and agriculture, politics, and history all as they’re shaped by the culture and context of Northern Uganda. Detailing each of these would  take an incredible number of words.

I also learned about some of the most prominent poverty related issues Ugandans are experiencing, particularly related to education and medical care. Serere is and has been one of the most impoverished areas of Uganda. However, hear me on this. When you close your eyes and picture poverty in Africa, that image in your mind is not a universal representation. I learned that about myself and my own preconceptions this week for sure. I wrestled (and still am, present tense) with the task of attempting to define and understand poverty and all that is wrapped up in that. In the West, one might look at my host parents and consider them poor. But they do not struggle to put food on the table, they sustain themselves through the land they own and the food they grow. They understand conservation, care for what they own, and work very hard. If measured, their land and animals could translate to monetary value that would increase their material wealth significantly. At the same time, in the village this week, I observed acute poverty that has been unmatched by anything in the previous two months. All the while, I was reading “The White Man’s Burden,” a convicting critique by a former World Bank economist of Western involvement in the developing world, particularly through aid, military and political interference, and all forms of residual neocolonialism. I don’t think I will ever stop grappling with the irreparable damage we have done in our pursuits of materialism and power, and our misuse of resources and privilege. This paragraph is insufficient to express my questions and tangled thought processes about this particular topic, but for now, it’s what I’m capable of writing.

By the end of the week, I had more questions than answers. Honestly, what else is new. On Friday morning, we were picked up and drove to Kapchowra, about an hour away, where we spent the weekend. On Friday night, we spent time in intentional debrief, which was helpful, but in many ways only began to scratch the surface of our 25 different experiences. Saturday, we had a day of emotional (but definitely not physical) rest. After a lovely breakfast, we hiked Mount Elgon, an extinct volcano and home to the famous Sipi Falls, one of Uganda’s bigger tourist spots. The ten mile hike was exhausting, but refreshing and breathtaking. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

We had a quick thirty minute respite after the hike before we began a “coffee tour.” Kapchowra is the OG home of the Arabica coffee bean, discovered long ago by a lucky farmer who just wanted to find out why his goats were getting hyper after eating the leaves of some tree with redish colored berries. On the tour, we got to learn about and help with the process of making coffee, from picking beans  to pouring a steaming cup and everything in between. Definitely a highlight for me, even if it was a horribly touristy activity. Shown in the photo below is me shelling coffee beans. Not pictured was the slap happy, caffeine induced state my roommates witnessed me in after the effects of having more coffee than I’ve had in two months kicked in. Let’s say I was laughing at everything and didn’t get the most sleep I’ve ever gotten, but it was quite worth it.

On Sunday morning, we hiked to the top of the little hill above the guest house for a small worship service before our departure. I was asked to give a brief testimony about what God has been teaching me in this first half of the semester (in 5-10 minutes??). I spoke about patience. presence, and newness, the ways that He has been revealing my restlessness to me, but it felt next to impossible to come up with some concise summary of the work He has done in me in the past two months (and is surely continuing to do). Thanks for sticking with me and reading this long post to the end. If it feels open ended, that’s because my thoughts are open ended in so many ways right now. I don’t want to settle for a pretty packaged or over-simplified version of the week. In some areas, I settled for brevity in this post, because I don’t want to risk sounding like I have the answers.  I know the week was hard; I know the week was valuable. I know it left me with even more to ponder than I already had, which I didn’t know was possible. As I talk with you individually in the coming weeks, don’t be afraid to ask me questions, because they will help me in my pondering, but know that I am unresolved and still figuring out how to understand.

A brief post-script. Some people (not necessarily any of you) have made comments to my USP friends and I that come with a perceived bravery or accomplishment in what we did last week. “You lived in a rural village in Africa?! That must have been so hard, you are so brave!” or something of the sort. All I will say is that I am not brave. My attitude at points during the week was not even in the ballpark of praiseworthy. This whole thing is as far from being about me as possible. I felt like an outsider this week, even though I was being welcomed into a community. Don’t hear me being dismissive of your encouragement. But I challenge all of you to not let your perceptions of African poverty to shape your visions of my experience. I think these kinds of comments, while well intentioned, are rooted in subconscious (read: often distorted) pictures of the reality of a place like this. I hope that as I communicate to you, the things I say will never glorify or manipulate the things I am experiencing as a result of my own pride and desire for affirmation. Please call me out if you ever see or hear this in my words. Thanks again for being in my corner.

All my love,

Abs

Spring Break February 26, 2018 Where to begin? Probably with a deep breath. Two months from today, I will be on a plane back to the States, which means I have reached the half way point.

[trendingnewsb]

The Silicon Valley paradox: one in four people are at risk of hunger

Exclusive: study suggests that 26.8% of the population qualify as food insecure based on risk factors such as missing meals or relying on food banks

Karla Peralta is surrounded by food. As a line cook in Facebooks cafeteria, she spends her days preparing free meals for the tech firms staff. Shes worked in kitchens for most of her 30 years in the US, building a life in Silicon Valley as a single mother raising two daughters.

But at home, food is a different story. The regions soaring rents and high cost-of-living means that even with a full-time job, putting food on the table hasnt been simple. Over the years she has struggled to afford groceries at one point feeding her family of three with food stamps that amounted to $75 a week, about half what the government describes as a thrifty food budget. I was thinking, when am I going to get through this? she said.

outside in america

In a region famed for its foodie culture, where the well-heeled can dine on gold-flecked steaks, $500 tasting menus and $29 loaves of bread, hunger is alarmingly widespread, according to a new study shared exclusively with the Guardian.

One in four people in Silicon Valley are at risk of hunger, researchers at the Second Harvest food bank have found. Using hundreds of community interviews and data modeling, a new study suggests that 26.8% of the population almost 720,000 people qualify as food insecure based on risk factors such as missing meals, relying on food banks or food stamps, borrowing money for food, or neglecting bills and rent in order to buy groceries. Nearly a quarter are families with children.

We call it the Silicon Valley paradox, says Steve Brennan, the food banks marketing director. As the economy gets better we seem to be serving more people. Since the recession, Second Harvest has seen demand spike by 46%.

data

The bank is at the center of the Silicon Valley boom both literally and figuratively. It sits just half a mile from Ciscos headquarters and counts Facebooks Sheryl Sandberg among its major donors. But the need it serves is exacerbated by this industrys wealth; as high-paying tech firms move in, the cost of living rises for everyone else.

Food insecurity often accompanies other poverty indicators, such as homelessness. San Jose, Silicon Valleys largest city, had a homeless population of more than 4,000 people during a recent count. They are hungry, too: research conducted by the Health Trust, a local not-for-profit, found food resources available to them are scattered and inadequate.

These days Peralta earns too much to qualify for food stamps, but not enough not to worry. She pays $2,000 a month or three-quarters of her paycheck to rent the small apartment she shares with her youngest daughter. Even just the two of us, its still a struggle. So once a month, she picks up supplies at the food bank to supplement what she buys at the store.

She isnt one to complain, but acknowledges the vast gulf between the needs of Facebook employees and contract workers such as herself. The first thing they do [for Facebook employees] is buy you an iPhone and an Apple computer, and all these other benefits, she laughs. Its like, wow.

The scale of the problem becomes apparent on a visit to Second Harvest, the only food bank serving Silicon Valley and one of the largest in the country. In any given month it provides meals for 257,000 people 66m pounds of food last year. Inside its cavernous, 75,000 sq ft main warehouse space, boxes of produce stretched to the ceiling. Strip lights illuminated crates of cucumbers and pallets of sweet potatoes with a chilly glow. Volunteers in PayPal T-shirts packed cabbages and apples that arrived in boxes as big as paddling pools, while in the walk-in freezer turkeys waited to defrost.

Inside a warehouse belonging to Second Harvest food bank in San Jose, California, where PayPal staff volunteered for the day. Photography: Talia Herman

Because poverty is often shrouded in shame, their clients situations can come as a surprise. Often we think of somebody visibly hungry, the traditional homeless person, Brennan said. But this study is putting light on the non-traditional homeless: people living in their car or a garage, working people who have to choose between rent and food, people without access to a kitchen.

He added, Youre not thinking when you pick up your shirts from dry cleaning, or getting your landscaping done, or going to a restaurant, or getting your child cared for, is that person hungry? Its very easy to assume they are fine.

Matt Sciamanna is the sort of person you would assume is fine. Hes young, clever, and a recent graduate from San Jose State University. Yet here on campus, he says, food insecurity is a daily problem. Students, and even part-time professors, have been known to sleep in their cars or couch surf to save money. Sciamanna, who works on the Student Hunger Committee, says a survey of more than 4,000 students found about half have skipped meals due to the cost.

His investment in the issue is informed by his own experience. With his parents unable to finance all his living costs, Sciamanna worked in a restaurant while studying full time. But at 20 he was hit with a life-changing diagnosis: multiple sclerosis, a disease that left his grandmother bedridden. Unable to keep up with the pressures of restaurant work, he took a job on campus that paid just $400 a month.

Matt Sciamanna studying. Photo: Jeromy Cesea

My weekly food budget, after other expenses, was $25-$30, he says. Trips to the grocery store became a game of numbers: a bag of apples and bananas cost less than $5 and would last a week. A bag of frozen vegetables, another $5. Sometimes I would see a ripe peach, and I would want it, but then Id think, damn, theyre $1.50 each. Its not like Im asking for a car. Im just talking about a peach. That feeling leaves a scar.

While Sciamanna says his food situation has improved, another fear looms: healthcare costs. His father, a garbage man in San Francisco, has already postponed retirement so that his son can stay on the familys insurance. Without it, Sciamanna says he could face out-of-pocket costs of thousands of dollars a month for his medication. In that scenario, obtaining food would become even more difficult. His parents live in Clear Lake, three hours outside San Francisco, meaning a six-hour daily commute for his father. You feel like youre this dead weight, youre trying to advance yourself but you dont have the money. Its a shitty feeling.

Hunger and the housing crisis go hand-in-hand. In Santa Clara County, the median price of a family home has reached a new high of $1.125m, while the supply of homes continues to shrink. A family of four earning less than $85,000 is now considered low income. These realities mean food insecurity cuts across lines of race, age and employment status.

On a cold, bright afternoon at an elementary school in Menlo Park, kids trickled out of their classrooms and onto the playground. A food distribution was being arranged in the school gymnasium, and adults lined up outside with strollers and shopping carts, waiting for the doors to open. Most were women, many of them mothers whose children attend the school. Once inside they moved slowly and quietly around tables filled with bags of fresh produce, milk and bread, canned goods and beans.

A food distribution taking place at an elementary school in Menlo Park. Bottom right, Vicky Avila-Medrano, a food connection specialist with Second Harvest. Photography: Talia Herman

The Latino community is passing through a hard time, says Vicky Avila-Medrano, a food connection specialist. She runs a program that sends current and former food bank users out into the community, which has been disproportionately affected by the cost-of-living crisis.

Here in Silicon Valley, we have a big problem. This is a beautiful place to live for people in the tech industry, but we are not working in that industry.

Even people who have full-time jobs can find themselves with no way to put food on the table. Outside the gym, Martina Rivera, a 52-year-old mental health nurse, explained that her troubles began when her entire building was evicted last year. (Mass evictions have swept the area as landlords seek higher-paying tenants). Issues in her personal life, which she preferred not to detail, left her separated from her two children and their father. She thought about moving in with family, but worried about the burden. My brother was recovering from a stroke, and my mother is old, she says. I couldnt put more struggle on them. So what I found was my car.

Martina Rivera, 52, originally from Peru, lived in her car for six months while working as a nurse.

She told herself it was only temporary. I work night shifts at a veterans hospital, so I would go to my moms house to shower, and wait until it was time to work. I waited and waited for the storm to pass. Eventually she found a room without a private bathroom or kitchen. She shopped for food at 99 cent stores, ate mainly canned food, and cooked in a microwave. It took a toll on her health, she says; she gained weight.

I was having panic attacks. My body was like the walking dead. But I thought, I need to keep strong. And I never quit my job.

Rivera says that for many working people, pride is a barrier to admitting need. People dont have money to buy food, but they are shy to ask. But there is no reason to feel ashamed.

The day before Thanksgiving, Karla Peralta invited me to her home. She loves to cook, and prides herself on pulling together a healthy meal even when resources are scarce. I have to cook with what I have. Even if I only have a piece of chicken, a little bit of this and that, I am a cook. I make it work.

Karla Peralta, who works in the cafeteria at Facebook, demonstrates in her kitchen how she cooks with ingredients she picks up from the food bank. Photography: Charlotte Simmonds

That evening she worked with ingredients from the food bank: potatoes and chicken, cans of beans, corn and tomatoes. Dignified and good humored, Peralta says her current job is one of the best shes ever had, even though she still needs help.

As we sat down at her kitchen table to share a meal, we talk about her plans for tomorrows holiday meal. Shell be making ham with pineapples, her daughters favorite. There will be turkey and mashed potatoes, and her niece is bringing bread. And we got some rice from the food bank, she said. Ill probably make that, too.

Do you have an experience of homelessness to share with the Guardian? Get in touch

Sign up to Chronicling Homelessness, our monthly Outside in America newsletter

Read more: http://ift.tt/2AvII9h

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2C9Fm9g via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

The Silicon Valley paradox: one in four people are at risk of hunger

Exclusive: study suggests that 26.8% of the population qualify as food insecure based on risk factors such as missing meals or relying on food banks

Karla Peralta is surrounded by food. As a line cook in Facebooks cafeteria, she spends her days preparing free meals for the tech firms staff. Shes worked in kitchens for most of her 30 years in the US, building a life in Silicon Valley as a single mother raising two daughters.

But at home, food is a different story. The regions soaring rents and high cost-of-living means that even with a full-time job, putting food on the table hasnt been simple. Over the years she has struggled to afford groceries at one point feeding her family of three with food stamps that amounted to $75 a week, about half what the government describes as a thrifty food budget. I was thinking, when am I going to get through this? she said.

outside in america

In a region famed for its foodie culture, where the well-heeled can dine on gold-flecked steaks, $500 tasting menus and $29 loaves of bread, hunger is alarmingly widespread, according to a new study shared exclusively with the Guardian.

One in four people in Silicon Valley are at risk of hunger, researchers at the Second Harvest food bank have found. Using hundreds of community interviews and data modeling, a new study suggests that 26.8% of the population almost 720,000 people qualify as food insecure based on risk factors such as missing meals, relying on food banks or food stamps, borrowing money for food, or neglecting bills and rent in order to buy groceries. Nearly a quarter are families with children.

We call it the Silicon Valley paradox, says Steve Brennan, the food banks marketing director. As the economy gets better we seem to be serving more people. Since the recession, Second Harvest has seen demand spike by 46%.

data

The bank is at the center of the Silicon Valley boom both literally and figuratively. It sits just half a mile from Ciscos headquarters and counts Facebooks Sheryl Sandberg among its major donors. But the need it serves is exacerbated by this industrys wealth; as high-paying tech firms move in, the cost of living rises for everyone else.

Food insecurity often accompanies other poverty indicators, such as homelessness. San Jose, Silicon Valleys largest city, had a homeless population of more than 4,000 people during a recent count. They are hungry, too: research conducted by the Health Trust, a local not-for-profit, found food resources available to them are scattered and inadequate.

These days Peralta earns too much to qualify for food stamps, but not enough not to worry. She pays $2,000 a month or three-quarters of her paycheck to rent the small apartment she shares with her youngest daughter. Even just the two of us, its still a struggle. So once a month, she picks up supplies at the food bank to supplement what she buys at the store.

She isnt one to complain, but acknowledges the vast gulf between the needs of Facebook employees and contract workers such as herself. The first thing they do [for Facebook employees] is buy you an iPhone and an Apple computer, and all these other benefits, she laughs. Its like, wow.

The scale of the problem becomes apparent on a visit to Second Harvest, the only food bank serving Silicon Valley and one of the largest in the country. In any given month it provides meals for 257,000 people 66m pounds of food last year. Inside its cavernous, 75,000 sq ft main warehouse space, boxes of produce stretched to the ceiling. Strip lights illuminated crates of cucumbers and pallets of sweet potatoes with a chilly glow. Volunteers in PayPal T-shirts packed cabbages and apples that arrived in boxes as big as paddling pools, while in the walk-in freezer turkeys waited to defrost.

Inside a warehouse belonging to Second Harvest food bank in San Jose, California, where PayPal staff volunteered for the day. Photography: Talia Herman

Because poverty is often shrouded in shame, their clients situations can come as a surprise. Often we think of somebody visibly hungry, the traditional homeless person, Brennan said. But this study is putting light on the non-traditional homeless: people living in their car or a garage, working people who have to choose between rent and food, people without access to a kitchen.

He added, Youre not thinking when you pick up your shirts from dry cleaning, or getting your landscaping done, or going to a restaurant, or getting your child cared for, is that person hungry? Its very easy to assume they are fine.

Matt Sciamanna is the sort of person you would assume is fine. Hes young, clever, and a recent graduate from San Jose State University. Yet here on campus, he says, food insecurity is a daily problem. Students, and even part-time professors, have been known to sleep in their cars or couch surf to save money. Sciamanna, who works on the Student Hunger Committee, says a survey of more than 4,000 students found about half have skipped meals due to the cost.

His investment in the issue is informed by his own experience. With his parents unable to finance all his living costs, Sciamanna worked in a restaurant while studying full time. But at 20 he was hit with a life-changing diagnosis: multiple sclerosis, a disease that left his grandmother bedridden. Unable to keep up with the pressures of restaurant work, he took a job on campus that paid just $400 a month.

Matt Sciamanna studying. Photo: Jeromy Cesea

My weekly food budget, after other expenses, was $25-$30, he says. Trips to the grocery store became a game of numbers: a bag of apples and bananas cost less than $5 and would last a week. A bag of frozen vegetables, another $5. Sometimes I would see a ripe peach, and I would want it, but then Id think, damn, theyre $1.50 each. Its not like Im asking for a car. Im just talking about a peach. That feeling leaves a scar.

While Sciamanna says his food situation has improved, another fear looms: healthcare costs. His father, a garbage man in San Francisco, has already postponed retirement so that his son can stay on the familys insurance. Without it, Sciamanna says he could face out-of-pocket costs of thousands of dollars a month for his medication. In that scenario, obtaining food would become even more difficult. His parents live in Clear Lake, three hours outside San Francisco, meaning a six-hour daily commute for his father. You feel like youre this dead weight, youre trying to advance yourself but you dont have the money. Its a shitty feeling.

Hunger and the housing crisis go hand-in-hand. In Santa Clara County, the median price of a family home has reached a new high of $1.125m, while the supply of homes continues to shrink. A family of four earning less than $85,000 is now considered low income. These realities mean food insecurity cuts across lines of race, age and employment status.

On a cold, bright afternoon at an elementary school in Menlo Park, kids trickled out of their classrooms and onto the playground. A food distribution was being arranged in the school gymnasium, and adults lined up outside with strollers and shopping carts, waiting for the doors to open. Most were women, many of them mothers whose children attend the school. Once inside they moved slowly and quietly around tables filled with bags of fresh produce, milk and bread, canned goods and beans.

A food distribution taking place at an elementary school in Menlo Park. Bottom right, Vicky Avila-Medrano, a food connection specialist with Second Harvest. Photography: Talia Herman

The Latino community is passing through a hard time, says Vicky Avila-Medrano, a food connection specialist. She runs a program that sends current and former food bank users out into the community, which has been disproportionately affected by the cost-of-living crisis.

Here in Silicon Valley, we have a big problem. This is a beautiful place to live for people in the tech industry, but we are not working in that industry.

Even people who have full-time jobs can find themselves with no way to put food on the table. Outside the gym, Martina Rivera, a 52-year-old mental health nurse, explained that her troubles began when her entire building was evicted last year. (Mass evictions have swept the area as landlords seek higher-paying tenants). Issues in her personal life, which she preferred not to detail, left her separated from her two children and their father. She thought about moving in with family, but worried about the burden. My brother was recovering from a stroke, and my mother is old, she says. I couldnt put more struggle on them. So what I found was my car.

Martina Rivera, 52, originally from Peru, lived in her car for six months while working as a nurse.

She told herself it was only temporary. I work night shifts at a veterans hospital, so I would go to my moms house to shower, and wait until it was time to work. I waited and waited for the storm to pass. Eventually she found a room without a private bathroom or kitchen. She shopped for food at 99 cent stores, ate mainly canned food, and cooked in a microwave. It took a toll on her health, she says; she gained weight.

I was having panic attacks. My body was like the walking dead. But I thought, I need to keep strong. And I never quit my job.

Rivera says that for many working people, pride is a barrier to admitting need. People dont have money to buy food, but they are shy to ask. But there is no reason to feel ashamed.

The day before Thanksgiving, Karla Peralta invited me to her home. She loves to cook, and prides herself on pulling together a healthy meal even when resources are scarce. I have to cook with what I have. Even if I only have a piece of chicken, a little bit of this and that, I am a cook. I make it work.

Karla Peralta, who works in the cafeteria at Facebook, demonstrates in her kitchen how she cooks with ingredients she picks up from the food bank. Photography: Charlotte Simmonds

That evening she worked with ingredients from the food bank: potatoes and chicken, cans of beans, corn and tomatoes. Dignified and good humored, Peralta says her current job is one of the best shes ever had, even though she still needs help.

As we sat down at her kitchen table to share a meal, we talk about her plans for tomorrows holiday meal. Shell be making ham with pineapples, her daughters favorite. There will be turkey and mashed potatoes, and her niece is bringing bread. And we got some rice from the food bank, she said. Ill probably make that, too.

Do you have an experience of homelessness to share with the Guardian? Get in touch

Sign up to Chronicling Homelessness, our monthly Outside in America newsletter

Read more: http://ift.tt/2AvII9h

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2C9Fm9g via Viral News HQ